HOW TO HELP THE BAD GUYS MUG YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU JUST LOVE CRIMINALS
By
Polly Whitney

Everyone can use a boost up the corporate ladder, and that applies even to professional thugs. I recently did everything in my power to come to the aid of two armed muggers in Miami, just to make sure that they profited to the fullest extent from their crime and did their best to screw up my life.

Of course, it may be true that not everyone will feel so generous towards villains. It is for you that I submit this list. If you are inclined to be on YOUR OWN SIDE, as opposed to rooting for the criminals, read on.

I was mugged at gunpoint when I was on book tour in Miami last fall. Now, what was so odd about the entire experience is that I have long prided myself on having urban smarts, having lived in New York City since 1969 (with a 6-year hiatus to go get trained in subtropical crime in Miami) and having written three books about the mean streets of the Big Apple. So, you'd think I'd deal with muggers as well as anyone could. Right?

Wrong.

I failed this urban test when I was mugged. I gave my muggers all the help they needed to do the crime right. But, I did learn. Here's my new THE MUGGER IS NOT YOUR FRIEND guide to surviving a mugging with as little damage as possible. Don't help your mugger as I did. Be smart and take the following guide to heart.

MUGGING IS A CRIME, NOT A BRUCE WILLIS MOVIE:

1. Do NOT carry everything important in one bag or purse. For example, have two photo I.D.'s with you and lock one in your suitcase. If your purse or bag gets ripped off, you can still board a plane.

2. Plane tickets should not be dragged around in your purse or whatever you carry. Lock those tickets in your luggage or hotel safe until you are ready to fly.

3. If you take prescription medicine, don't carry it all on you. Put the pills you need for one day in an envelope or other container; lock the rest of the supply in your luggage.

4. Lock your car doors when you're travelling. I know this seems obvious, but I was caught by taking a habit for granted. Your mother was right: when you are in the car, lock the doors.

5. Do NOT stop for directions unless the place is obviously open, has plenty of customers, and -- best -- workers in uniform.

6. If you must pull over to look at a map, do so. But go inside a diner or its equivalent to do your studying. Do not sit and read a map in your car because that makes it very clear that you don't belong in that area and that you are vulnerable.

7. If you do have the misfortune to be mugged, do NOT resist. I let my instincts take over for my common sense and struggled for my bag. Good way to get hurt. Let me emphasize how strong instincts can be: when I was mugged, my right arm was in a cast from very recent elbow reconstruction. I was ALREADY hurt. Yet I struggled with my attackers. My intellect seems to be okay, but wherever I keep my instincts really needs a checkup.

8. NEVER carry your address book on your person. An address book is tremendously difficult to replace. Lock it in your suitcase.

9. DO phone the police. They probably won't do anything to investigate (unless you have plate numbers for a vehicle used by the bad persons), but they will give you a case number, which you will need for insurance purposes.

10. Lordy. I learned by sheerest accident that homeowner's insurance will cover loss of property in a mugging. If you have the misfortune to be mugged, call your insurance agent Promptly. And be sure to have the case number. You can't process a claim without proof that you reported the crime to the police.

11. Carry with you ONLY the eyeglasses you will need that day. You ain't gonna need your computer glasses, so lock those in your suitcase. Also in your suitcase should be paper copies of your eyeglass prescriptions.

12. Split things up: some cash in your purse, some locked in your suitcase; one credit card in your purse, others locked away. (This applies to ground travel. If you are checking luggage through to another airport, assume the airline will lose your luggage and DO carry all your valuables on your person. When you are safely on the ground and have retrieved your luggage, you can then split up your belongings.)

13. Do not stop if you have the misfortune to lose your way in a bad neighborhood. Get out of there. It's much better to get lost in a safe neighborhood. Drive on.

14. Carry a cell phone and make sure it's charged. Do NOT carry it in your purse. Put it in the glove box or under the seat. If you get mugged, you'll need the phone BAD.

This is dead serious, folks. I hope you pay attention. I thought I had urban smarts, but I did everything wrong. No matter how worldly you think you are, those instincts can make you a powerful dummy. I hope this cautionary tale and the list help to keep some of you safe. I wish I'd read it before my most recent book tour.

One more thing:

15. Don't be an idiot. You're not Ronin. You're not even Bruce Willis. Getting involved in a high-speed car chase, in an attempt to catch up with your thieves, is just stupid. What are you going to do if you catch them? Ask them to give you a ride to the nearest emergency room?

Be safe.

Submitted by Polly Whitney, muggee.

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