ABSENT THEE
FROM FELICITY
  AWHILE…
  by Somtow Sucharitkul




Here’s a variation on a theme that a few courageous writers
have tackled before—with a certain dread and a shock of
horror. Live life over again? Yes, and then again, no. But
this story manages to turn a new direction. The right to
achieve adulthood in a cosmic community must be learned.
                                1

     You remember silence, don’t you?
      There were many silences once: silence for a great speech,
silence before an outburst of thunderous applause, silence after
laughter. Silence is gone forever, now. When you listen to the
places where the silence used to be, you hear the soft insidious
buzzing, like a swarm of distant flies, that proclaims the end of
man’s solitude…
      For me, it happened like this: It was opening night, and
Hamlet was just dying, and I was watching from the wings, being
already dead, of course, as Guildenstern. I wanted to stay for
curtain call anyway, even though I knew the audience wouldn’t
notice. It hadn’t been too long since my first job, and I was new in
New York. But here everything revolved around Sir Francis
FitzHenry, brought over from England at ridiculous expense with
his new title clinging to him like wrapping paper.
      Everything else was as low-budget as possible, including me.
They did a stark, empty staging, ostensibly as a sop to modernism,
but really because the backers were penniless after paying
FitzHenry’s advance, and so Sir Francis was laid out on a barren
proscenium with nothing but an old leather armchair for Claudius’s
throne and a garish green spot on him. Not that there was any of
that Joseph Papp-type avant-garde rubbish. Everything was
straight. Me, I didn’t know what people saw in Sir Francis
FitzHenry till I saw him live—I’d only seen him in that ridiculous
Fellini remake of Ben Hur—but he was dynamite, just the right
thing for the old Jewish ladies.
     There he was, then, making his final scene so heartrending I
could have drowned in an ocean of molasses; arranging himself
into elaborate poses that could have been plucked from the
Acropolis; and uttering each iambic pentameter as though he were
the New York Philharmonic and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir all
rolled into one. And they were lapping it up, what with the swing
away from the really modern interpretations. He was a triumph of
the old school, there on that stage turning the other actors into
ornamental papier-mache all around him.
     He had just gotten, you know, to that line:
     Absent thee from felicity awhile…
     To tell my story.
     and was just about to fall, with consummate grace, into
Horatio’s arms. You could feel the collective catch of breath, the
palpable silence, and I was thinking, What could ever top that, my
God?… and I had that good feeling you get when you know you’re
going to be drawing your paycheck for at least another year or so.
And maybe Gail would come back, even.
     Then—
      Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. “What’s wrong?” I turned to the little
stage manager, who was wildly pushing buttons. The buzzing came,
louder and louder. You couldn’t hear a word Horatio was saying.
The buzzing kept coming, from every direction now, hurting my
ears. Sir Francis sat up in mid-tumble and glared balefully at the
wings, then the first scream could be heard above the racket, and I
finally had the nerve to poke my head out and saw the tumult in
the audience…
      “For Chrissakes, why doesn’t someone turn on the house
lights?” Claudius had risen from where he was sprawled dead and
was stomping around the stage. The buzzing became more and
more intense, and now there were scattered shrieks of terror and
the thunder of an incipient stampede mixed into the buzzing, and I
cursed loudly about the one dim spotlight. The screaming came
continuously. People were trooping all over the stage and were
tripping on swords and shields, a lady-in-waiting hurtled into me
and squished makeup onto my cloak, corpses were groping around
in the dark, and finally I found the right switch where the stage
manager had run away and all the lights came on and the leather
armchair went whizzing into the flies.
     I caught one word amid all this commotion—
     Aliens.
      A few minutes later everybody knew everything. Messages
were being piped into our minds somehow. At first they just said
don’t panic, don’t panic and were hypnotically soothing, but then it all
became more bewildering as the enormity of it all sank in. I noticed
that the audience were sitting down again, and the buzzing had died
down to an insistent whisper. Everything was returning to a surface
normal, but stiff, somehow; artificial. They were all sitting, a row of
glassy-eyed mannequins in expensive clothes, under the glare of the
house lights, and we knew we were all hearing the same thing in
our minds.
      They were bringing us the gift of immortality, they said. They
were some kind of galactic federation. No, we wouldn’t really be
able to understand what they were, but they would not harm us. In
return for their gift, they were exacting one small favor from us.
They would try to explain it in our terms. Apparently something
like a sort of hyperspatial junior high school was doing a project on
uncivilized planets, something like “one day in the life of a
barbarian world.” The solar system was now in some kind of time
loop, and would we be kind enough to repeat the same day over
and over again for a while, with two hours off from 6 to 8 every
morning, while their kids came over and studied everything in
detail. We were very lucky, they added; it was an excellent deal. No,
there wasn’t anything we could do about it
     I wondered to myself, how long is “over and over again for a
while”?
      They answered it for me. “Oh, nothing much. About seven
million of your years.” I felt rather short-changed, though I
realized that it was nothing in comparison with immortality.
      And, standing there stock-still and not knowing what to think,
I saw the most amazing sight. We all saw the aliens as gossamer
veils of light that drifted and danced across the field of vision,
almost imperceptible, miniature auroras that sparkled and
vanished… I saw Sir Francis’s face through a gauze of shimmering
blue lights. I wanted to touch them so badly; I reached out and my
hand passed right through one without feeling a thing. Then they
were gone.
      We turned off the house lights—we had until midnight—and
went on with the play. The buzzing subsided almost completely,
but was very obviously there all the time, so everybody gabbled
their lines and tried to cut in quickly between speeches to cover up
the noise. The applause was perfunctory, and Sir Francis seemed
considerably distressed that he had been so easily upstaged.
      I walked home at a few minutes to midnight. I saw peculiar
poles with colored metallic knobs on them, all along Broadway
every couple of blocks, like giant parking meters. The streets were
virtually empty, and there were a couple of overturned Yellow cabs
and an old Chevy sticking out of a store window. It had been too
much for some, I supposed. But I was so confused about what had
happened, I tried to think about nothing but Gail and about the
bad thing that had happened that morning.
      I climbed up the dirty staircase to my efficiency above an
Indian grocery store and jumped into bed with all my clothes on,
thinking about the bad thing between me and Gail, and at midnight
I suddenly noticed I was in pyjamas and she was lying there beside
me, and there was a sudden jerk of dislocation and I knew that it
wasn’t today anymore, it was yesterday, it was all true. I squeezed my
eyes tightly and wished I was dead.
                                2

      I woke up around 11 o’clock. Gail stirred uneasily. We made
love, like machines. I kept trying to pull myself away, knowing
what was coming. Whatever the aliens had done, it had turned me
into a needle in a groove, following the line of least resistance.
     We got up and had breakfast. She wore her ominous
dishevelled look, strands of black hair fishnetting her startlingly
blue eyes.
     “John?”
     The dinette table seemed as wide as all space. She seemed
incredibly unreachable, like the stars. “Umm?” I found myself
saying in a banal voice. I knew what she was going to say; I knew
what I was going to do. But whatever it was dealt only with
appearances. In my thoughts I was free, as though I were somehow
outside the whole thing, experiencing my own past as a recording. I
wondered at my own detachment.
     “John, I’m leaving you.”
     Anger rose in me. I got up, knocking over the coffee mug and
shouting, “What for, who with?” like an idiot before going off into
incoherent cursing.
      “Francis FitzHenry has asked me to stay with him—in his
suite at the Plaza!”
     The anger welled up again. Blindly, I slapped her face. She
went white, then red, and then she said quietly, dangerously:
“You’re too petty, John. That’s why you’re going to be a
Guildenstern for the rest of your life.” That hurt.
     Then she walked out of my life.
      I shaved and walked slowly over to the theater. We played to a
full house. The aliens came. Sir Francis seemed considerably
distressed that he had been so easily upstaged. I walked home,
casually noting the two overturned Yellow cabs and the old Chevy
stuck in a store window, past the overgrown parking meters, to my
efficiency above an Indian grocery store, and threw myself fully
clothed on the bed. I fell asleep.
     I woke up around 11 o’clock, Gail stirred uneasily. We made
love mechanically, and I knew that the two people who were lying
there together had become totally divorced from themselves, and
were going through preordained motions that bore no relationship
whatsoever to what was in their minds. And there was no way of
communicating.
     We ate breakfast. She wore her ominous dishevelled look, and
I desperately wanted to apologize to her, but when I tried to speak
my facial muscles were frozen and the buzzing seemed to get
louder, drowning my thoughts. Was the buzzing an external sound,
or was it some mental monitor to enforce the status quo?
     “I’m leaving you.”
      Anger rose in me. I quenched it at once, but it made no
difference either to my posture or to my words.
      “Francis FitzHenry has asked me to stay with him—in his
suite at the Plaza!”
      I slapped her face. Suddenly the veils of light came, caressing
the musty stale air of my apartment, touching the dust and making
it sparkle, like a golden snow between the two of us. They faded.
We had been watched; we were trapped in a galactic Peyton Place.
      “You’re too petty, John. That’s why you’re going to be a
Guildenstern for the rest of your life.” And walked out of my life.
It hurt me more every time. I was doomed to be a Guildenstern in
this play too, a Guildenstern for the old ladies and a Guildenstern
for the veils of light. It was hell.
      I shaved and walked slowly over to the theater. We played to a
full house. The aliens came; Sir Francis seemed considerably
distressed that he had been so easily upstaged. I walked home, past
the overturned cars and the gigantic parking meters that had
materialized out of nowhere.
     As I fell asleep, just before midnight, a thought surfaced: we
were supposed to have two free hours every morning, weren’t we?
For months now, I had slept through those two hours.
     I resolved to force myself to wake up at six.




                                3

      I jerked myself awake at 6:30, snaked into unostentatious
jeans and a T-shirt, and came down.
       The brilliant summer morning hit me between the eyes. It had
been autumn the previous night. Everything was to wonder at: the
trash drifting down the sidewalk in the breeze, the briskness of the
air, the clarity of the sunlight…
     Two tramps were leaning against the first of the alien poles.
They had their eyes closed and were very peaceful, so I crept away.
Portholes exuded smoke, people jostled each other, and everything
seemed astonishingly normal, except for the insistent buzzing.
     Another of the poles had a man in a scruffy three-piece suit
and blatantly orange tie, holding up a sign on which was scrawled
VON DANIKEN LIVES! He had acquired a squalid-looking
collection of onlookers, whom I joined for a moment.
     “… man, these critters built the Pyramids! They built the
Empire State Building! They’re the Gods! Alexander the Great was
one! Richard M. Nixon was one! God was one!… and you, too, can
be saved, if only you’ll just throw a quarter on the altar of
repentance! Hallelujah! Thank you, ma’am…”
     I walked on.
      At the next extraterrestrial parking meter a group of Hare
Krishna types was dancing round and round like they had a
missionary in the pot. In the middle a scrawny, bespectacled shaven
man was caressing the shaft, which was glowing a dull crimson. He
seemed transfigured, almost beautiful, much more like the real
thing than Sir Francis FitzHenry could ever be. I watched for a
long time, fascinated, my mind dulled by the hypnotic
repetitiveness of their chanting.
      They ceased, jolting me from my reverie. The lanky one came
up to me and started to whisper confidentially, intensely. “Did you
know they’re only a few microns thick? Did you know that they’re
called the T’ tat? Did you know they have a shared consciousness
that works over vast reaches of space-time? Did you know they’ve
reached an incredibly high evolutionary phase, huh?”
     “You don’t talk like a Hare Krishna person.”
     “Hey!… oh, the clothes, you mean. Actually, I have a Ph.D.
from M.I.T. I talk to them, you know.”
     “No kidding!”
     “Hey, really! Listen, come here,” he pulled me roughly over to
the pole, which had stopped glowing. “Just sit down here, relax
now, touch the pole. Totem pole, divine antenna, whatever. Can’t
you hear anything… ?”
     Hello.
     I was shivering. The voice was so close; it was speaking inside
me. I drew back quickly.
      “Hey, did you know they have many doctors, that each color
shows their status based on age? Did you know that, huh? Did you
know they don’t join up with the collective consciousness until
they’re almost half a billion years old, that they have these learning
centers all over the galaxy, that they originally crossed over from
the Great Nebula in Andromeda? No kidding, man!”
     I didn’t know what he was talking about.
      “Here, touch it again, it isn’t so bad the second time.” He was
twitching all over, a bundle of nerves. “Sorry I’m acting like this.
It’s my only chance to act normal, you see, the rest of the day I’m
either stoned or asleep, according to the script I can’t wait till we all
wake up!”
     I reached out. Hello.
     “Isn’t there any way we can resist them?”
     “What for? Don’t you want to live forever? This is just a sort
of Purgatory, isn’t it? We all get to go to heaven.”
    “But suppose I wanted to, you know, contradict them, or
something.”
     “Dunno. They can’t control everything.” He paused for a
moment, but then launched himself into a stream of information
again, as though I’d fed him another quarter.
      “I have the general equations worked out.” He flashed a bit of
paper in front of my face, then thrust it back into his pocket—“but
you obviously have to be in control of unified field theory, and
even then there’s the power source to worry about. I have a couple
of theories—f’rinstance, if they had sort of a portable mini-quasar,
like, a miniature white hole worming through space-time into a
transdimensional universe, they could tap the energy, you see,
and—”
     He had lost me. I touched the pole, and his voice faded into
nothingness. The buzzing intensified. Hello.
     “We’re just dirt to you, laboratory animals,” I said bitterly. “I
wish it was back to the way it was.”
      You can’t help being a lower being, you know. There’s nothing you or I
can do about that.
     “Well, will you tell me one thing?” It suddenly occurred to
me that everyone had left The Hare Krishnas, hands linked, had
gone dancing off.
      Sure.
      “Is this thing really worth it, for us? Seven million years is a
long, long, time; it’s the same as eternity for all practical purposes.”

      Hah! Fat lot you know.
      “You didn’t answer my question.”
      All in good time. But it’s almost 8 o’clock. Hold on, you’ll be dislocated
back to yesterday in a few seconds. You’re pretty lucky, you know; in some
parts of the world the two hours’ grace comes at some ridiculous time and
nobody ever gets up.
      “Goodbye.”
      Goodbye.
      I woke up around 11 o’clock. Gail stirred uneasily. We made
love mechanically, like machines, with living sheets of light, only a
few microns thick, darting between us, weaving delicately transient
patterns in the air, and I felt hollow, transparent, empty.




                                      4
     I met Amy Schechter in Grand Central Station, coming out of
the autumn night into a biting blizzard of a winter morning.
     We were both standing at a doughnut stand. I looked at her,
helpless, frail, as she stared into a cup of cold coffee. I had seen her
before, but this morning there were just the two of us. She
suddenly looked up at me. Her eyes were brown and lost.
     “Hi. Amy.”
     “John.”
     A pause, full of noisome buzzing, fell between us.
     For a while, I watched the breath-haze form and dissipate
about her face, wanting to make conversation, but I couldn’t think
what to say.
       “Will you talk to me? Nobody ever does, they always back off,
as if they knew.”
     “Okay.”
      “I’ve been standing here for five years, waiting for my train.
Sometimes I come an hour or so before 8 o’clock, you know, just
to stand around. There’s nothing for me at where I’m staying.” Her
voice was really small, hard to hear against the buzzing.
     “Where are you going?”
     “Oh, Havertown, Pennsylvania. You’ve never heard of it.” I
hadn’t. “It’s sort of a suburb of Philadelphia,” she added helpfully.
“My folks live there.”
     “Buy you a doughnut?”
     “You must be joking!” She laughed quickly and stopped
herself, then cast her eyes down as though scrutinizing a
hypothetical insect in her styrofoam cup. Then she turned her back
on me, hugging her shaggy old coat to her thin body, and crumpled
the cup firmly and threw it into the garbage.
     “Wait, come back! We’ve got an hour and a half, you know,
before you have to leave—”
     “Oh, so it’s score and run? Nothing doing, friend.”
     “Well, I will buy you a doughnut then.”
    “Oh, all right. A romantic memory,” she added cynically,
“when I’ll be dead by dinner anyway.”
     “Huh?”
      She came closer. We were almost touching, both leaning
against the grubby counter. “I’m one of the ghosts, you know,” she
said.
     “I don’t get it.”
     “What do you do every day?”
      “My girlfriend walks out on me, then I play a poor third
fiddle to a pretentious British actor in Hamlet.”
      “Lucky. In my script, the train crashes into an
eighteen-wheeler 25 miles outside of Philadelphia. Smash!
Everybody dead. And then every morning I find myself at the
station again. I was pretty muddled at first, the aliens never made
any announcements to me while I was lying in the wreckage. So I
do it all over and over again. One day I may even enjoy it.”
     It didn’t sink in. “Chocolate covered?” I asked inanely.
     “Yeah.”
     There was another pause. I realized how much I needed
another person, not Gail, how much I needed someone real…
     “We should get to know each other, maybe,” I ventured.
“After it’s all over, maybe we could—”
     “No, Joke. Nothing doing. I’m a ghost. I’m not immortal,
don’t you see! The whole deal ignores me completely! I’m dead
already, dead, permanently dead! You don’t get to be part of the
deal if you die sometime during the day, you have to survive
through till midnight, don’t you see?”
      “… oh God.” I saw.
     “They’ve just left me in the show to make everything as
accurate as can be. I’m an echo. I’m nothing.”
     I didn’t say a word. I just grabbed her and kissed her, right
there in the middle of the doughnut stand. She was quite cold, like
marble, like stone.
     “Come on,” she said. We found a short-time hotel around the
block; I paid the eight dollars and we clung together urgently,
desperately, for a terribly brief time.
      I woke up at around 11 o’clock. Gail stirred uneasily. As I
went through the motions for the thousandth time I was thinking
all the time, this isn’t fair, this isn’t fair. Gail was alive, she was going
to live forever, and she’s just like a machine, she might just as well
be dead. Amy, now, she was dead, but so alive! Then I realized a
terrible truth: Immortality kills! I was very bitter and very angry. I felt
cheated, and the buzzing sounded louder, like a warning, and I
knew then that I was going to try and do something dreadful.
(“They can’t control everything,” wasn’t that what the Kirshna freak
had said?)
     I struggled, trying to push myself out of the groove, trying to
change a little bit of one little movement, but always falling back to
the immutable past…
      We got up and had breakfast. She wore her ominous
dishevelled look, strands of black hair fishnetting her startling blue
eyes.
      “John?”
      “Umm?”
     “John, I’m leaving you.”
     “What for, who with?”
      “Francis FitzHenry has asked me to stay with him—in his
suite at the Plaza!”
     I lifted my hand, then willed with every ounce of strength I
could dredge up from every hidden source.
     I didn’t slap her face.
      A look of utter bewilderment crossed her face, just for one
split second, and I looked at her and she looked at me, her
emotions unfathomable; and then the whole thing swung
grotesquely back to the original track, and she said quietly,
dangerously, “You’re too petty, John. That’s why you’re going to be
a Guildenstern for the rest of your life.” As though nothing were
different. That hurt.
     Then she walked out of my life.
      But I had changed something! And we had communicated;
for a split second something had passed between us!
     The buzzing became a roar. I walked slowly to the theater,
bathed in the glow of a hundred diaphanous wisps of light




                                5

     It was a couple of minutes before 8 when the phone rang in
my apartment. I decided to make a run for it, so I made for the
kitchenette in the nude.
     “Yeah?”
      “This is Michael, John.” Michael played Horatio. He was
sobbing, all broken up. I didn’t know him very well, so I played it
cool. “John, I’m going to do something terrible! I can’t stand it,
you’re the first person I could get through to this morning, I’m
going to try and—”
     I woke up around 11 o’clock. Gail stirred uneasily. We had
breakfast, and I didn’t slap her face.
      It seemed too natural. I realized that I had changed the
pattern. This is the way it would always be from now on.
     I had never slapped her face.
     A look of utter bewilderment… but it was no longer a
communication, it was just a reflex, part of the pattern, and then
she said quietly, dangerously, “You’re too petty, John. That’s why
you’re going to be a Guildenstern for the rest of your life.”
     That hurt. Then she walked out of my life.
     I went to the theater. There was Sir Francis, making his final
scene so heartrending I could have drowned in a sea of molasses;
arranging himself into elaborate poses that could have been
plucked from the Acropolis; and uttering each iambic pentameter
as though he were the New York Philharmonic and the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir all rolled into one. He was dying, and he clutched
at Horatio, and he said, measuring each phrase for the right
mixture of honey and gall—
     Absent thee from felicity awhile…
     To tell my story.
     and was just about to fall, with consummate grace, into
Horatio’s arms, and you could feel the collective catch of breath,
the palpable silence except for the quiet buzzing, when Horatio
drew a revolver from his doublet and emptied it into Sir Francis’s
stomach.
     After the aliens departed from the theater, the play went on,
since Hamlet was dead anyway, and afterwards I walked home. I
saw peculiar poles with metallic knobs on them, all along
Broadway every couple of blocks, and there were a couple of
overturned Yellow cabs, but the old Chevy was gone from the store
window. Good for them.
    In the morning I met Amy. I told her about what had
happened.
      “When you get to just before your accident, try to jump out of
the car or something. Keep trying, Amy, just keep trying.”
     She chewed her doughnut, deliberating. “I don’t know.”
     “Well, we’ve got another six million, nine hundred thousand,
nine hundred and ninety-four years to try in. So keep at it, okay?”
     She seemed unconvinced.
     “Just for me, try.”
      I kissed her quickly on the forehead and she disappeared into
the crowd that was heading towards the platform.




                                    6

     The pole was glowing a pale crimson when I touched it.
     Hello.
     I couldn’t contain my rage, “You bastards! Well, we’re not
powerless after all, we’ve got free will, we can change things. We
can ruin your high school project completely, rats that we are!”
     Oh. Well, that too is one of the things under study at the moment.
     “Well, let me tell you something. I don’t want your
immortality! Because I’d have to give up being a person. Being a
person means changing all the time, not being indifferent, and
you’re changing us into machines.”
      Oh? And do you deny that you’ve changed?
     It was true. I had changed. I wasn’t going to be a
Guildenstern for the rest of my life anymore. I was going to fight
them; I was going to learn everything I could about them so I
could try and twist it against them; I was going to be a real human
being.
        There are things you can’t do anything about. You’re in a transitional
stage, you see. With immortality will come a change in perspectives. You won’t
feel the same anymore about your barbarian ways, Earthling.
      I had to laugh. “Where did you learn to talk like that?”
      We monitored your science fiction TV broadcasts.
      The picture of these alien schoolkids, clustering around a
television set in some galactic suburbia somewhere in the sky… I
laughed and laughed and laughed.
     But then, seriously: “I’m still going to fight you, you know.
For the sake of being human.” I had a new fuel to use, after all,
against them. Love. Revenge. Heroism. I was thinking of Amy. The
good old-fashioned stuff of drama.
      Go ahead.
      I woke up around 11 o’clock.