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an extension of this copyright page.

"Catch that Zeppelin!" by Fritz Leiber. Copyright © 1973 fy> Mercury Press, Inc., first published in The Magazine of
Fantasy and Science Fiction, March, 197S; reprinted by permission of the author and the author's agent, Robert P.
Mills, Ltd.

"End Game," by Joe Haldeman. Copyright © 1974 by The ' Condi Nast Publications Inc., first published in Analog
Science Fiction/Science Fact, Jan., 1975; reprinted by permission of the author and his agent, Robert P. Mitts, Ltd.
"Home is the Hangman," by Roger Zelazny. Copyright © 1973 by Roger Zelazny, first published in Analog Science
Fiction/ Science Fact, Nov., 1975; reprinted by permission of the author and his agent, Henry Morrison, Inc.

"Child of AH Ages," by P. f. Plauger. Copyright © 1973 by The Conde Nast Publications Inc., first published in
Analog Science Fiction/Science Fact, March, 1975; reprinted by permission of the author.

"Shatterday," by Harlan Ettison. Copyright © 1975 by Harlan Ellison, first published in Gallery, Sept., 1975;
reprinted by permission of the author and his agent, Robert P. Mills, Ltd,

"San Diego Lightfoot Sue," by Tom Reamy. Copyright © 1973 by Mercury Press Inc., first published in The Magazine
or Fantasy and Science Fiction, Aug., 1975; reprinted by permission of the author and his agent, Virginia Kidd.

"Time Deer," by Craig Strete. Copyright © 1974 by VPD Publishing Corporation, first published in Worlds of If,
Nov.' Dec., 1974; reprinted by permission of the author.



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FRITZ LEIBER

Catch that Zeppelin!
Friiz Leiber has been writing and selling science-fiction, supernatural-horror, and heroic-fantasy stories for
thirty-seven years. During some of that time he was a resident of Chicago, New York and Los Angeles. For
the past six years, however, he has lived in San Francisco in a small downtown apartment building, from the
seventh-story roof of which he observes the stars through a three-inch refracting telescope. What with San
Francisco's fogs, lights, highrises and other aerial apparitions (seagulls, h@ says, like shooting stars before
dawn and aircraft seeming UFO's in sunset glow) this viewing has led to an equal interest in meterology and
the roofscapes and genera! anatomy and ecology of large cities—one thing leading to another. Afternoons he
spends in walks about the, romantic hilly city.

His growing engrossment in San Francisco has led him to write his first full-scale supernatural-horror novel
sine© I943's Conjure Wife. It concerns Thibaut de Castries, a modern black magician who has created a new
brand of the occult based on the malign influences and "black music" generated by tall buildings and large
cities. Our Lady of Darkness (the full-length novel to be published later in 1977 by Putnam's/Berkley after the
appearance of a two-part excerpt, "The Pale Brown Thing," earlier in the year in the pages of The Magazine of
Fantasy and Science Fiction) will involve not only the influences of large cities but also real-life characters
such as Jack

London Ambrose Bierce, Isadora Duncan, Dashiell Ham-mett and Clark AsMon Smith. Nor will his new novel
be

ve rea d eeX aad f °f               ' ' Cation with real-real-dead personae. Read on:
                        Fdfz       U ber s
                               p



his year on a. trip to New York City to visit my son, who is a social historian at a leading municipal
university there, I had a very unsettling experience. At black moments, of which at my age I have quite a
few, it still makes me distrust profoundly those absolute boundaries in Space and Time which are our sole
protection against Chaos, and fear thaf: my mind—no, my entire individual existence—may at any
moment at all and without any warning whatsoever be blown by a sudden gust of Cosmic Wind to an
entirely different spot in a Universe of Infinite Possibilities. Or, rather, into another Universe altogether.
And that my mind and individuality will be changed to fit

But at other moments, which are still in the majority, I believe that my unsettling experience was only one
of those remarkably vivid waking dreams to which old people become increasingly susceptiblej generally
waking dreams about the past, and especially waking dreams about a past in which at some crucial point
one made an entirely different and braver choice t&an one actually dM, or iu wlu'ufi tide whole world
made such a decision, with a completely different future resulting. Golden glowing might-have-beens nag
increasingly at the minds of some older people.

In line with this interpretation I must admit that my whole unsettling experience was structured very much
like a dream. It began with startling flashes of a changed world. It continued into a longer period when I
completelyN accepted the changed world and
LEEBEH

delighted in it and, despite fleeting quivers of uneasiness, wished I could bask in its glow forever. And it
ended in horrors, or nightmares, which I hate to mention, let alone discuss, until I must.

Opposing this dream notion, there are times when I am completely convinced that what happened to me
in Manhattan and in a certain famous building there was no dream at all, but absolutely real, and that I did
indeed visit another Time Stream.

Finally, I must point out that what I am about to tell you I am necessarily describing in retrospect, highly
aware of several transitions involved and, whether I want to or not, commenting on them and making
deductions that never once occurred to me at the time.

No, at the time it happened to me—and now at this moment of writing I am convinced that it did happen
and was absolutely real—one instant simply succeeded another in the most natural way possible. I
questioned nothing.

As to why it all happened to me, and what particular mechanism was involved, well, I am convinced that
every man or woman has rare, brief moments of extreme sensitivity, or rather vuiaerability, when his mind
and entire being may be blown by the Change Winds to Somewhere Else. And then, by what I call the
Law of the Conservation of Reality, /<blown back again.

I was walking down Broadway somewhere near 34th Street. It was a chilly day, sunny despite the
smog—a bracing day—and I suddenly began to stride along more briskly than is my cautious habit,
throwing my feet ahead of me with a faint suggestion of the goose step. I also threw back my shoulders
and took deep breaths, ignoring the fumes which tickled my nostrils. Beside me, traffic growled and
snarled, rising at times to a machine-gun rata-tat-tat, while pedestrians were scuttling about with that
desperate ratiike
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN!

9

urgency characteristic of all big American cities, but which reaches its ultimate in New York. I cheerfully
ignored that too. I even smiled at the sight of a ragged bum and a fur-coated gray-haired society lady
both independently dodging across the street through the hurtling traffic with a cool practiced skill one
sees only in America's biggest metropolis.

Just then I noticed a dark, wide shadow athwart the street ahead of me. It could not be that of a cloud,
for it didnot move. I craned my neck sharply and looked straight up like the veriest yokel, a regular
Hans-Kopf-wrdie-Luft (Hans-Head-in-the-Air, a German figure of comedy).

My gaze had to climb up the giddy 102 stories of the tallest building in the world, the Empire State. My
gaze was strangely accompanied by the vision of a gigantic, long-fanged ape making the same ascent with
a beautiful girl in one paw—oh, yes, I was rec- , ollecting the charming American fantasy-film King
Kong, or as they name it in Sweden, Kong King.

And then my gaze clambered higher still, up the 222-foot sturdy tower, to the top of which was moored
the nose of the vast, breathtakingly beautiful, stream-linedj silvery shape which was making the shadow.

Now here is a most important point I was not at the time in the least startled by what I saw. I knew at
once that it was simply the bow section of the German zeppelin Ostwald, named for the great German
pioneer of physical chemistry and electrochemistry, and queen of the mighty passenger and light-freight
fleet of luxury airliners working out of Berlin, Baden-Baden, and Bremerhaven. That matchless Armada
of Peace, each titanic airship named for a world-famous German scientist—the Mach, the Nerns*, the
Hum-bolt, the Fritz Haber, the French-named Antoine Henri Becquerel, the American-named Edison,
the Polish-named T. Skhdowska Edison, and even the Jewish-named Einstein! The great humanitarian
navy in which I held a not unimportant position as inter-
LEIBEH

national sales consultant and Fachmann—I mean expert. My chest swelled with justified pride at this
edel—noble—achievement of der Vat&rland.
I knew also without any mind-searching or surprise that the length of the Ostwald was more than one half
the 1,472-foot height of the Empire State Building plus its mooring tower, thick enough to hold an
elevator. And my heart swelled again with the thought that the Berlin Zeppelinturm (dirigible tower) was
only a few meters less high. Germany, I told myself, need not strain for mere numerical records—her
sweeping scientific and technical achievements speak for themselves to the entire planet.

All this literally took little more than a second, and I never broke my snappy stride. As my gaze
descended, I cheerfully hummed under my breath Deutschland, Deutschland uber Aftes.

The Broadway I saw was utterly transformed, though at the time this seemed every bit as natural as the
serene presence of the Ostwald high overhead, vast ellipsoid held aloft by helium. Silvery electric trucks
and buses and private cars innumerable purred along far more evenly and quietly, and almost as swiftly,
as had the noisy, stenchful, jerky gasoline-powered vehicles only moments before, though to me now the
latter were completely forgotten. About two blocks ahead, an occasional gleaming electric car smoothly
swung into the wide silver arch of a quick-battery-change station, while others emerged from under the
arch to rejoin the almost dreamlike stream oftraflic.

The air I gratefully inhaled was fresh and clean, without trace of smog.

The somewhat fewer pedestrians around me still moved quite swiftly, but with a dignity and courtesy
largely absent before, with the numerous blackamoors among them quite as well dressed and exuding the
same quiet confidence as the Caucasians.

The only slightly jarring note was struck by a tall,
CATCH THAT ZEPPEHNl

11

pale, rather emaciated man in black dress and with unmistakably Hebraic features. His somber clothing
was somewhat shabby, though well kept, and his thin shoulders were hunched. I got the impression he
had been looking closely at me, and then instantly glancing away as my eyes sought his. For some reason
I recalled what my son had told me about the City College of New York—CCNY—being referred to
surreptitiously and jokingly as Christian College Now Yiddish. I couldn't help chuckling a bit at that
witticism, though I am glad to say it: was a genial little guffaw rather than a malicious snicker. Germany in
her well-known tolerance and noble-mindedness has completely outgrown her old, disfiguring
anti-Semitism—after all, we must admit in all fairness that perhaps a third of our great men are Jews or
carry Jewish genes, Haber and Einstein among them—despite what dark and, yes, wicked memories
may lurk in the subconscious minds of oldsters like myself and occasionally briefly surface into awareness
like submarines bent on ship murder.

My happily self-satisfied mood immediately reasserted itself, and with a smart, almost military gesture I
brushed to either side with a thumbnail the short, horizontal black mustache which decorates-my upper
lip, and I automatically swept back into place the thick comma of black hair (I confess I dye it) which
tends to fall down across my forehead.

I stole another glance up at the Ostwald, which made me think of the matchless amenities of that
wondrous deluxe airliner: the softly purring motors, that powered its propellers—electric motors,
naturally, energized by banks of lightweight TSE batteries and as safe as its helium; the Grand Corridor
running the length of the passenger deck from the Bow Observatory to the stern's like-windowed Games
Room, whicli becomes the Grand Ballroom at night; the other peerless rooms letting off that corridor—
the Gesettschaftsraum der Kapitan (Captain's
12

S'ttlTZ LETBEB

Lounge) with its dark woodwork, manly cigar smoke and Damenttsche (Tables for Ladies), the Premier
Dining Room with its linen napery and silverplated aluminum dining service, the Ladies' Retiring Room
always set out profusely with fresh flowers, the Schwartzwald bar, the gambling casino with its roulette,
baccarat, chemmy, blackjack (vingt-et-un), its tables for skat and bridge and dominoes and sixty-six, its
chess tables presided over by the delightfully eccentric world's champion Nimzowitch, who would defeat
you blindfold, but always brilliantly, simultaneously or one at a time, in charmingly baroque brief games
for only two gold pieces per person per game (one gold piece to nutsy Nimzy, one to the DLG), and the
supremely luxurious staterooms with costly veneers of mahogany over balsa; the hosts of attentive
stewards, either as short and skinny as jockeys or else actual dwarfs, both types chosen to save weight;
and the titanium elevator rising through the countless bags of helium to the two-decked Zenith
Observatory, the sun deck wind-screened but roofless to let in the ever-changing clouds, the mysterious
fog, the rays of the stars and good old Sol, and all the heavens. Ah, where else on land or sea could you
buy such high living?

I called to mind in detail the single cabin which was always mine when I sailed on the Ostwald— meine
Stammkabine. I visualized the Grand Corridor thronged with wealthy passengers in evening dress, the
handsome officers, the unobtrusive, ever-attentive stewards, the gleam of white shirt fronts, the glow of
bare shoulders, the muted dazzle of jewels, the music of conversations like string quartets, the lilting low
laughter that traveled along.

Exactly on time I did a neat "Links, marchierenr ("To the left, march!") and passed through the
impressive portals of the Empire State and across its towering lobby to the mutedly silver-doored banks
of elevators. On my way I noted the silver-glowing date:
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN! 13

6 May 1937 and the time of day: 1:07 P.M. Good! —since the Ostwald did not cast oft until the tick of
3:00 P.M., I would be left plenty of time for a leisurely lunch and good talk with my son, if he had
remembered to meet me—and there was actually no doubt of that, since he is the most considerate and
orderly minded of sons, a real German mentality, though I say it myself.

I headed for the express bank, enjoying my passage through the clusters of high-class people who
thronged the lobby without any unseemly crowding, and placed myself before the doors designated
"Dirigible Departure Lounge" and in briefer German "Zum Zeppelin."

The elevator hostess was an attractive Japanese girl in skirt of dull silver with the DLG, Double Eagle and
Dirigible insignia of the German Airship Union emblazoned in small on the left breast of her mutedly silver
jacket. I noted with unvoiced approval that she appeared to have an excellent command of both German
and English and was uniformly courteous to the passengers in her smiling but unemotional Nipponese
fashion, which is so like our German scientific precision of speech, though without the latter's warm
underlying passion. How good that our two federations, at opposite sides of the globe, have strong
commercial and behavioral ties!

My fellow passengers in the lift, chiefly Americans and Germans, were of the finest type, very well
dressed—except that just as the doors were about to close, there pressed in my doleful Jew in black. He
seemed ill at ease, perhaps because of his shabby clothing. I was surprised, but made a point of being
particularly polite toward him, giving him a slight bow and brief but friendly smile, while flashing my eyes.
Jews have as much right to the acme of luxury travel as any other people on the planet, if they have the
money—and most of them do. During our uninterrupted and infinitely smooth pas-
14 FBITZ LEIBER

sage upward, I touched my outside left breast pocket to reassure myself that my ticket—first class on
the Ostwald!—and my papers were there. But actually I got far more reassurance and even secret joy
from the feel and thought of the documents in my tightly zippered inside left breast pocket: the signed
preliminary agreements that would launch America herself into the manufacture of passenger zeppelins.
Modern Germany is always generous in sharing her -great technical achievements with responsible sister
nations, supremely confident that the genius of her scientists and engineers will continue to keep her well
ahead of all other lands; and after all, the genius of two Americans, father and son, had made vital though
indirect contributions to the development of safe airship travel (and not forgetting the part played by the
Polish-born wife of the one and mother of the other).

The obtaining of those documents had been the chief and official reason for my trip to New York City,
though I had been able to combine it most pleasurably with a long overdue visit with my son, the social
historian, and with his charming wife.

These happy reflections were cut short by the jar-less arrival of our elevator at its lofty terminus on the
one hundredth floor. The journey old love-smitten King Kong had made only after exhausting exertion
we had accomplished effortlessly. The silvery doors spread wide. My fellow passengers hung back for a
moment in awe and perhaps a little trepidation at the thought of the awesome journey ahead of them, and
I—seasoned airship traveler that I am—was the first to step out, favoring with a smile and nod of
approval my pert yet cool Japanese fellow employee of the lower echelons.

Hardly sparing a glance toward the great, fleckless window confronting the doors and showing a
matchless view of Manhattan from an elevation of 1,250 feet minus two stories, I briskly turned, not right
to the
CATCH THAT ZEPPEIJNl 15

portals of the Departure Lounge and tower elevator, but left to those of the superb German restaurant
Krahenest ("Crow's Nest").

I passed between the flanking three-footJiigh bronze statuettes of Thomas Edison andrMarie
Sklodowska Edison niched in one wall and those of . Count von Zeppelin and Thomas Sklodowska
Edison facing them from the other, and entered the select precincts of the finest German dining place
outside the Fatherland. I paused while my eyes traveled searchingly around the room with its restful dark
wood paneling deeply carved with beautiful representations of the Black Forest and its grotesque
supernatural denizens—kobolds, elves, gnomes, dryads (tastefully sexy), and the like. They interested me
since I am what Americans call a Sunday painter, though almost my sole subject matter is zeppelins seen
against blue sky and airy, soaring clouds.

The Oberkellner came hurrying toward me with menu tucked under his left elbow and saying, "Mem
Herri Charmed to see you once more! I have a perfect table-for-one with porthole looking out across
the Hudson."

But just then a youthful figure rose springily from behind a table set against the far wall, and a dear and
familiar voice rang out to me with "Hier, Papar

"Nein, Heir Ober," I smilingly told the headwaiter as I walked past him, "haute hob ich ein
Gesell-schafter, Mein Sohn."

I confidently made my way between tables occupied by well-dressed folk, both white and black.
My son wrung my hand with fierce family affection, though we had last parted only that morning. He
insisted that I take the wide, dark, leather-upholstered seat against the wall, which gave me a fine view of
the entire restaurant, while he took the facing chair.

"Because during this meal I wish to look only on you, Papa," he assured me with manly tenderness.

i6
FRITZ LEIBER

"And we have at least an hour and a half together, Papa—I have checked your luggage through, and it is
likely already aboard the Ostwald." Thoughtful, dependable boy!

"And now, Papa, what shall it be?" he continued after we had settled ourselves. "I see that today's special
is Sauerbraten mit Spatzel and sweet-sour red cabbage. But there is also Paprikahuhn and—"

 Leave the chicken to flaunt her paprika in lonely red splendor today," I interrupted him. "Sauerbraten
?


sounds fine."

Ordered by my Herr Ober, the aged wine waiter had already approached our table. I was about to give
him direction when my son took upon himself that task with an authority and a hostfulness that warmed
my heart. He scanned the wine menu rapidly but thoroughly.

"The Zinfandel 1933," he ordered with decision, though glancing my way to see if I concurred with his
judgment. I smiled and nodded.

"And perhaps ein Tropfchen Schnapps to begin with?" he suggested.

"A brandy?—yes!" I replied. "And not just a drop, either. Make it a double. It is not every day I lunch
with that distinguished scholar, my son."

"Oh, Papa," he protested, dropping his eyes and almost blushing. Then firmly to the bent-backed,
white-haired wine waiter, "Schnapps also. Doppel." The old waiter nodded his approval and hurried
off. We gazed fondly at each other for a few blissful seconds. Then I said, "Now tell me more fully about
your achievements as a social historian on an ex* change professorship in the New World. I know we
have spoken about this several times, but only rather briefly and generally when various of your friends
were present, or at least your lovely wife. Now I would like a more leisurely man-to-man account of
your great work. Incidentally, do you find the scholarly apparatus—books, und so weiter ("et
cetera")—of the
CATCH THAT ZEPPEUNl 17

Municipal Universities of New York City adequate to your needs after having enjoyed those of
Baden-Baden University and the institutions of high learning in the German Federation?" . .

"In some respects they are lacking," he admitted. "However, for my purposes they have proved
completely adequate." Then once more he dropped his eyes and almost blushed. "But, Papa, you praise
my small efforts far too highly." He lowered his voice. "They do not compare with the victory for
international industrial relations you yourself have won in a fortnight."

"All in a day's work for the DLG," I said self-deprecatingly, though once again lightly touching my left
chest to establish contact with those most important documents safely stowed in my inside left breast
pocket, "But now, no more polite fencingl" I went on briskly. "TeH me all about those 'small efforts,' as
you modestly refer to them."
His eyes met mine. "Well, Papa," he began in suddenly matter-of-fact fashion, "all my work these last two
years has been increasingly dominated by a firm awareness of the fragility of the underpinnings of the
good world-society we enjoy today. If certain historically-minute key events, or cusps, in only the past
one hundred years had been decided differently—if another course had been chosen than the one that
was—then the whole world might now be plunged in wars and worse horrors then we ever dream of. It
is a chilling insight, but it bulks continually larger in my entire work, my every paper."

I felt the thrilling touch of inspiration. At that moment the wine waiter arrived with our double brandies in
small goblets of cut glass. I wove the interruption into the fabric of my inspiration. "Let us drink then to
what you name your chilling insight," I said. "Prosit!" -

The bite and spreading warmth of the excellent schnapps quickened my inspiration further. "I believe
l8 FBITZ LEIBER

I understand exactly what you're getting at . . ."I told my son. I set down my half-emptied goblet and
pointed at something over my son's shoulder.

He turned his head around, and after one glance back at my pointing finger, which intentionally waggled a
tiny bit from side to side, he realized that I was not indicating the entry of the Krahenest, but the four
sizable bronze statuettes flanking it.

"For instance," I said, "if Thomas Edison and Marie Sklodowska had not married, and especially if they
had not had their super-genius son, then Edison's knowledge of electricity and hers of radium and other
radioactives might never have been joined. There might never have been developed the fabulous T. S.
Edison battery, which is the prime mover of all today's surface and air traffic. Those pioneering electric
tracks introduced by the Saturday Evening Post in Philadelphia might have remained an expensive
freak. And the gas helium might never have been produced industrially to supplement earth's meager
subterranean supply."

My son's eyes brightened with the flame of pure scholarship. "Papa," he said eagerly, "you are a genius
yourself! You have precisely hit on what is perhaps the most important of those cusp-events I referred to.
I am at this moment finishing the necessary research for a long paper on it. Do you know, Papa, that I
have firmly established by researching Parisian records that there was in 1894 a close personal
relationship between Marie Sklodowska and her fellow radium researcher Pierre Curie, and that she
might well have become Madame Curie—or perhaps Madame Becquerel, for he too was in that
work—if the dashing and brilliant Edison had not most opportunely arrived in Paris in December 1894 to
sweep her off her feet and carry her off to the New World to even greater achievements?

"And just think, Papa," he went on, his eyes aflame, "what might have happened if their son's battery had
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN! 1Q

not been invented—the most difficult technical achievement hedged by all sorts of seeming scientific
impossibilities, in the entire millennium-long history of industry. Why, Henry Ford might have
manufactured automobiles powered by steam or by exploding natural gas or conceivably even vaporized
liquid gasoline, rather than the mass-produced electric cars which have been such a boon to mankind
everywhere—not our smokeless cars, but cars spouting all sorts of noxious fumes to pollute the
environment."

Cars powered by the danger-fraught combustion of vaporized liquid gasoline!—it almost made me
shudder and certainly it was a fantastic thought, yet not altogether beyond the bounds of possibility, I had
to admit.
Just then I noticed my gloomy, black-clad Jew sitting only two tables away from us, though how he had
got himself into the exclusive Krahenest was a wonder. Strange that I had missed his entry—probably
immediately after my own, while I had eyes only for my son. His presence somehow threw a dark though
only momentary shadow over my bright mood. Let him get some good German food inside him and
some fine German wine, I thought generously—it will fill that empty belly of his and even put a bit of a
good German smile into those sunken Yiddish cheeks! I combed my little mustache with my thumbnail
and swept the errant lock of hair off my forehead.

Meanwhile my son was saying, "Also, Father, if electric transport had not been developed, and if during
the last decade relations between Germany and the United States had not been so good, then we might
never have gotten from the wells in Texas the supply of natural helium our zeppelins desperately needed
during the brief but vital period before we had put the artificial creation of helium onto an industrial
footing. My researchers at Washington have revealed that there was a strong movement in the
20

FWTZ LEIBEH

U.S. military to ban the sale of helium to any other nation, Germany in particular. Only the powerful
influence of Edison, Ford, and a few other key Americans, instantly brought to bear, prevented that
stupid injunction. Yet if it had gone through, Germany might have been forced to use hydrogen instead of
helium to float her passenger dirigibles. That was another crucial cusp."

"A hydrogen-supported zeppelin!—ridiculous! Such an airship would be a floating bomb, ready to be
touched off by the slightest spark," I protested.

"Not ridiculous, Father," my son calmly contradicted me, shaking his head. "Pardon me for trespassing in
your field, but there is an inescapable imperative about certain industrial developments. If there is not a
safe road of advance, then a dangerous one will invariably be taken. You must admit, Father, that the
development of commercial airships was in its early stages a most perilous venture. During the 1920s
there were the dreadful wrecks of the American dirigibles Roma, and Shenandoah, which broke in two,
Akron, and Macon, the British R-38, which also broke apart in the air, and R-101, the French
Dix-mude, which disappeared in the Mediterranean, Mussolini's Italia, which crashed trying to reach the
North Pole, and the Russian Maxim Gorky, struck down by a plane, with a total loss of no fewer than
340 crew members for the nine accidents. If that had been followed by the explosions of two or three
hydrogen zeppelins, world industry might well have abandoned forever the attempt to create passenger
airships and turned instead to the development of large propeller-driven, heavier-than-air craft."

Monster airplanes, in danger every moment of crashing from engine failure, competing with good old
unsinkable zeppelinsP^-impossible, at least at first thought. I shook my head, but not with as much
conviction as I might have wished. My son's suggestion was really a valid one.
CATCH THAT

ZEPPEUN!
21

Besides, he had all his facts at his fingertips and was complete master of his subject, as I also had to
allow. Those nine fearful airship disasters he mentioned had indeed occurred, as I knew well, and might
have tipped the scale in favor of long-distance passenger and troop-carrying airplanes, had it not been for
helium, the T. S. Edison battery, and German genius.

Fortunately I was able to dump from my mind these uncomfortable speculations and immerse myself in
admiration of my son's multisided scholarship. That boy was a wonder!—a real chip off the old block,
and, yes, a bit more.

"And now, DoKy," he went on, using my nickname (I did not mind), *Way I turn to an entirely different
topic? Or rather to a very different example of my hypothesis of historical cusps?"

I nodded mutely. My mouth was busily full with fine Sauerbraten and those lovely, tiny German
dumplings, while my nostrils enjoyed the unique aroma of sweet-sour red cabbage. I had been so
engrossed in my son's revelations that I had not consciously noted our luncheon being served. I
swallowed, took a slug of the good, red Zinfandel, and said, "Please go on."

"It's about the consequences of the American Civil War, Father," he said surprisingly. "Did you know that
in the decade after that bloody conflict, there was a very real danger that the whole cause of Negro
freedom and rights—for which the war was fought, whatever they say-—might well have been
completely smashed? The fine work of Abraham Lincoln, Thad-deus Stevens, Charles Sumner, the
Freedmen's Bureau, and the Union League Clubs put to naught? And even the Ku Khix Klan
underground allowed free reign rather than being sternly repressed? Yes, Father, my thoroughgoing
researchings have convinced me such things might easily have happened, resulting in some sort of
re-enslavement of the blacks, with the whole war to be refought at an indefinite future date, or at any rate
Reconstruction brought
22

FRITZ LEIBEH

to a dead halt for many decades—with what disastrous effects on the American character, turning its
deep simple faith in freedom to hypocrisy, it is impossible to exaggerate. I have published a sizable paper
on this subject in the Journal of Civil War Studies."

I nodded somberly. Quite a bit of this new subject matter of his was terra incognita to me; yet I knew
enough of American history to realize he had made a cogent point. More than ever before, I was
impressed by his multifaceted learning—he was indubitably a figure in the great tradition of German
scholarship, a profound thinker, broad and deep. How fortunate to be his father. Not for the first time,
but perhaps with the greatest sincerity yet, I thanked God and the Laws of Nature that I had early moved
my family from Braunau, Austria, where I had been born in 1889, to Baden-Baden, where he had grown
up in the ambience of the great new university on the edge of the Black Forest and only 150 kilometers
from Count Zeppelin's dirigible factory in Wiirttem-berg, at Friedrichshafen on Lake Constance.

I raised my glass of Kirschwasser to him in a solemn, silent toast—we had somehow got to that stage in
our meal—and downed a sip of the potent, fiery, white, cherry brandy.

He leaned toward me and said, T might as well tell you, Dolf, that my big book, at once popular and
scholarly, my Meisterwerk, to be titled If Things Had Gone Wrong, or perhaps If Things Had Turned
for the Worse, will deal solely—though illuminated by dozens of diverse examples—with my theory of
historical cusps, a highly speculative concept but firmly footed in fact." He glanced at his wristwatch,
muttered, 'Yes, there's still time for it. So now—" His face grew grave, his voice clear though small—"I'
will venture to tell you about one more cusp, the most disputable and yet most crucial of them all." He
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN! 23

paused. "I warn you, dear Dolf, that this cusp may cause you pain."

"I doubt that," I told him indulgently. "Anyhow, go ahead."
"Very well. In November of 1918, when the British had broken the Hindenburg Line and the weary
German army was defiantly dug in along the Rhine, and just before the Allies, under Marshal Foch,
launched the final crushing drive which would cut a bloody swath across the heartland to Berlin—"

I understood his warning at once. Memories flamed in my mind like the sudden blinding flares of the
battlefield with their deafening thunder. The company I had commanded had been among the most
desperately defiant of those he mentioned, heroically nerved for a last-ditch resistance. And then Foch
had delivered that last vast blow, and we had fallen back and back and back before the overwhelming
numbers of our enemies with their field guns and tanks and armored cars innumerable and above all their
huge aerial armadas of De Haviland and Handley-Page and other big bombers escorted by
insect-buzzing fleets of Spads and other fighters shooting to bits our last Fokkers and Pfalzes and visiting
on Germany a destruction greater far than our zeps had worked on England. Back, back, back, endlessly
reeling and regrouping, across the devastated German countryside, a dozen times decimated yet still
defiant until the end came at last amid the ruins of Berlin, and the most bold among us had to admit we
were beaten and we surrendered unconditionally—

These vivid, fiery recollections came to me almost instantaneously.

I heard my son continuing, "At that cusp moment in November, 1918, Dolf, there existed a very strong
possibility—I have established this beyond question —that an immediate armistice would be offered and
signed, and the war ended inconclusively. President
*H FBITZ LEIBEH


Wilson was wavering, the French were very tired, and so on,

"And if that had happened in actuality—harken closely to me now, Dolf—then the German temper
entering the decade of the 1920s would have been entirely different. She would have felt she had not
been really licked, and there would inevitably have been a secret recrudescence of pan-German
militarism. German scientific humanism would not have won its total victory over the Germany of
the—yesl —Huns.

"As for the Allies, self-tricked out of the complete victory which lay within their grasp, they would in the
long run have treated Germany far less generously than they did after their lust for revenge had been
sated by that last drive to Berlin. The League of Nations would not have become the strong instrument
for world peace that it is today; it might well have been repudiated by America and certainly secretly
detested by Germany. Old wounds would not have healed because, paradoxically, they would not have
been deep enough.

"There, I've said my say. I hope it hasn't bothered you too badly, Dolf."

I let out a gusty sigh. Then my wincing frown was replaced by a brow serene. I said very deliberately,
"Not one bit, my son, though you have certainly touched my own old wounds to the quick. Yet I feel in
my bones that your interpretation is completely valid. Rumors of an armistice were indeed running like
wildfire through our troops in that black autumn of 1918. And I know only too well that if there had been
an armistice at that time, then officers like myself would have believed that the German soldier had never
really been defeated, only betrayed by his leaders and by red incendiaries, and we would have begun to
conspire endlessly for a resumption of the war under happier circumstances. My son, let us drink to your
amazing cusps."
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN! 25

Our tiny glasses touched with a delicate ting, and the last drops went down of biting, faintly bitter
Kirschwosser. I buttered a thin slice of pumpernickel and nibbled it—always good to finish off a meal
with bread. I was suddenly filled with an immeasurable content. It was a golden moment, which I would
have been happy to have go on forever, while I listened to my son's wise words and fed my satisfaction
in him. Yes, indeed, it was a golden nugget of pause in the terrible rush of time—the enriching
conversation, the peerless food and drink, the darkly pleasant surroundings—

At that moment I chanced to look at my discordant Jew two tables away. For some weird reason he was
glaring at me with naked hate, though he instantly dropped his gaze—

But even that strange and disquieting event did not disrupt my mood of golden tranquillity, which I sought
to prolong by saying in summation, "My dear son, this has been the most exciting though eerie lunch I
have ever enjoyed. Your remarkable cusps have opened to me a fabulous world in which I can
nevertheless utterly believe. A horridly fascinating world of sizzling hydrogen zeppelins, of countless
evil-smelling gasoline cars built by Ford instead of his electrics, of re-enslaved American blackamoors, of
Madame Becquerels or Curies, a world without the T. S. Edison battery and even T. S. himself, a world
in which German scientists are sinister pariahs instead of tolerant, humanitarian, great-souled leaders of
world thought, a world in which a mateless old Edison tinkers forever at a powerful storage battery he
-cannot perfect, a world in which Woodrow Wilson doesn't insist on Germany being admitted at once to
the League of Nations, a world of festering hatreds reeling toward a second and worse world war. Oh,
altogether an incredible world, yet one in which you have momentarily made me believe, to the extent that
I do actually have the fear that time will sud-
26 FKTTZ LEEBER

denly shift gears and we will be plunged into that bad dream world, and our real world will become a
dream—"

I suddenly chanced to see the face of my watch— At the same time my son looked at his own left
wrist—

"Dolf," he said, springing up in agitation, "1 do hope that with my stupid chatter I haven't made you
miss—"

I had sprung up too—

"No, no, my son," I heard myself say in a fluttering voice, "but it's true I have little time in which to catch
the Ostwald. Auf Wiedersehen, mem Sohn, auf Wiedersehen!"

And with that I was hastening, indeed almost running, or else sweeping through the air like a ghost—
leaving him behind to settle our reckoning—across a room that seemed to waver with my feverish
agitation, alternately darkening and brightening like an electric bulb with its fine tungsten filament about to
fly to powder and wink out forever—

Inside my head a voice was saying in calm yet death-knell tones, "The lights of Europe are going out. I do
not think they will be rekindled in my generation—"

Suddenly the only important thing in the world for me was to catch the Ostwald, get aboard her before
she unmoored. That and only that would reassure me that I was in my rightful world. I would touch and
feel the Ostwald, not just talk about her—

As I dashed between the four bronze figures, they seemed to hunch down and become deformed, while
their faces became those of grotesque, aged witches —four evil kobolds leering up at me with a horrid
knowledge bright in their eyes—
While behind me I glimpsed in pursuit a tall, black, white-faced figure, skeletally lean—

The strangely short corridor ahead of me had a blank end—the Departure Lounge wasn't there—
CATCH THAT ZEPPELDlI 27

I instantly jerked open the narrow door to the stairs and darted nimbly up them as if I were a young man
again and not forty-eight years old—

On the third sharp turn I risked a glance behind and down—

Hardly a flight behind me, taking great pursuing leaps, was my dreadful Jew—

I tore open the door to the hundred and second floor. There at last, only a few feet away, was the silver
door I sought of the final elevator and softly glowing above it the words, "Zum Zeppelin." At last I
would be shot aloft to the Ostwald and reality.

But the sign began to blink as the Krahenest had, while across the door was pasted askew a white
cardboard sign which read "Out of Order."

I threw myself at the door and scrabbled at it, squeezing my eyes several times to make my vision come
clear. When I finally fully opened them, the cardboard sign was gone.

But the silver door was gone too, and the words above it forever. I was scrabbling at seamless pale
plaster.

There was a touch on my elbow. I spun around.

"Excuse me, sir, but you seem troubled," my Jew said solicitously. "Is there anything I can do?"

I shook my head, but whether in negation or rejection or to clear it, I don't know. "I'm looking for the
Ostwald," I gasped, only now realizing I'd winded myself on the stairs. "For the zeppelin," I explained
when he looked puzzled.

I may be wrong, but it seemed to me that a look of secret glee flashed deep in his eyes, though his
general sympathetic expression remained unchanged.

"Oh, the zeppelin," he said in a voice that seemed to me to have become sugary in its solicitude. "You
must mean the Hindenbiirg."

Hindenburgp—I asked myself. There was no zeppelin named Hindenburg. Or was there? Could it be
that I was mistaken about such a simple and, one
28 FRITZ LEIBER

would think, immutable matter? My mind had been

getting very foggy the last minute or two. Desperately

I tried to assure myself that I was indeed myself and

in my right world. My lips worked and I muttered

to myself, Bin Adolf Hitler, Zeppelin Fachmann. . . .

"But the Hindenburg doesn't land here, in any
case," my Jew was telling me, "though I think some

vague intention once was voiced about topping the

Empire State with a mooring mast for dirigibles.

Perhaps you saw some news story and assumed—"

His face fell, or he made it seem to fall. The sugary solicitude in his voice became unendurable as he told
me, "But apparently you can't have heard today's tragic news. Oh, I do hope you weren't seeking the
Hindenburg so as to meet some beloved family member or close friend. Brace yourself, sir. Only hours
ago, coming in for her landing at Lakehurst, New Jersey, the Hindenburg caught fire and burned up
entirely in a matter of seconds. Thirty or forty at least of her passengers and crew were burned alive. Oh,
steady yourself, sir."

"But the Hindenburg—I mean the Ostwald!— couldn't burn like that," I protested "She's a helium
zeppelin."

He shook his head. "Oh, no. I'm no scientist, but I know the Hindenburg was filled with hydrogen—a
wholly typical bit of reckless German risk-running. At least we've never sold helium to the Nazis, thank
God."

I stared at him, wavering my face from side to side in feeble denial.

While he stared back at me with obviously a new thought in mind

"Excuse me once again," he said, "but I believe I heard you start to say something about Adolf Hitler. I
suppose you know that you bear a certain resemblance to that execrable dictator. If I were you, sir, I'd
shave my mustache."
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN!
29

I felt a wave of fury at this inexplicable remark with all its baffling references, yet withal a remark
delivered in the unmistakable tones of an insult. And then all my surroundings momentarily reddened and
flickered, and I felt a tremendous wrench in the inmost core of my being, the sort of wrench one might
experience in transiting tunelessly from one universe into another parallel to it. Briefly I became a man still
named Adolf Hitter, same as the Nazi dictator and almost the same age, a German-American born in
Chicago, who had never visited Germany or spoke German, whose friends teased him about his chance
resemblance to the other Hitler, and who used stubbornly to say, "No, I won't change my name! Let that
Fiihrer bastard across the Atlantic change his! Ever hear about the British Winston Churchill writing the
American Winston Churchill, who wrote The Crisis and other novels, and suggesting he change his name
to avoid confusion, since the Englishman had done some writing too? The American wrote back it was a
good idea, but since he was three years older, he was senior and so the Britisher should change his
name. That's exactly how I feel about that son of a bitch Hitter."

The Jew still stared at me sneeringly. I started to tell him off, but then I was lost in a second weird,
wrenching transition. The first had been directly from one parallel universe to another. The second was
also in time—I aged fourteen or fifteen years in a single infinite instant while transiting from 1937 (where I
had been born in 1889 and was forty-eight) to 1973 (where I had been born in 1910 and was
sixty-three). My name changed back to my truly own (but what is that?), and I no longer looked one bit
like Adolf Hitler the Nazi dictator (or dirigible expert?), and I had a married son who was a sort of social
historian in a New York City municipal university, and he had many brilliant theories, but none of
historical cusps.
SO FRITZ LEIBEH

And the Jew—I mean the tall, thin man in black with possibly Semitic features—was gone. I looked
around and around but there was no one there.

I touched my outside left breast pocket, then my hand darted tremblingly underneath. There was no
zipper on the pocket inside and no precious documents, only a couple of grimy envelopes with notes I'd
scribbled on them in pencil.

I don't know how I got out of the Empire State Building. Presumably by elevator. Though all my memory
holds for that period is a persistent image of King Kong tumbling down from its top like a ridiculous yet
poignantly pitiable giant teddy bear.

I do recollect walking in a sort of trance for what seemed hours through a Manhattan stinking with
monoxide and carcinogens innumerable, half waking from time to time (usually while crossing streets that
snarled, not purred), and then relapsing into trance. There were big dogs.

When I at last fully came to myself, I was walking down a twilit Hudson Street at the north end of
Greenwich Village. My gaze was fixed on a distant and unremarkable pale-gray square of building top. I
guessed it must be that of the World Trade Center, 1,350 feet tall.

And then it was blotted out by the grinning face of my son, the professor.

"Justin!" I said.

"Fritz!" he said. "We'd begun to worry a bit. Where did you get off to, anyhow? Not that ifs a damn bit
of my business. If you had an assignation with a go-go girl, you needn't tell me."

"Thanks," I said, "I do feel tired, I must admit, and somewhat cold. But no, I was just looking at some of
my old stamping grounds," I told him, "and taking longer than I realized. Manhattan's changed during my
years on the West Coast, but not all that much."

;it's getting chilly," he said. "Let's stop in at that
CATCH THAT ZEPPELIN! 31

place ahead with the black front. It's the White Horse. Dylan Thomas used to drink there. He's supposed
to have scribbled a poem on the wall of the can, only they painted it over. But it has the authentic
sawdust."

"Good," I said, "only we'll make mine coffee, not ale. Or if I can't get coifee, then cola."

I am not really a Prosit!-type person.
176 BOGEH ZELAZNT


we had in common, those ways we dwelled apart. I wondered what Dave would finally have felt, had he
lived long enough to meet him? Or Leila? Or Manny? Be proud, I told their shades, your Md grew up in
the closet and he's big enough to forgive you the beating you gave him, too....

But I could not help wondering. We still do not really know that much about the subject. Was it possible
that without the killing he might never have developed a full human-style consciousness? He had said that
he was a product of guilt—of the Big Guilt The Big Act is its necessary predecessor. I thought of Godel
and Turing and chickens and eggs, and decided it was one of those questions—and I had not stopped
into Peabody's to think sobering thoughts.

I had no real idea how anything I had said might influence Brockden's eventual report to the Data Bank
committee. I knew that I was safe with him, because he was determined to bear his private guilt with him
to the grave. He had no real choice if he wanted to work what good he thought he might before that day.
But here in one of Mencken's hangouts, I could not but recall some of the things he had said about
controversy, such as, "Did Huxley convert Wil-berforce? Did Luther convert Leo X?" and I decided not
to set my hopes too high for anything that might emerge from that direction. Better to think of affairs in
terms of Prohibition and take another sip.

When it was all gone, I would be heading for my boat. I hoped to get a decent start under the stars. I'd a
feeling I would never look up at them again in quite the same way. I knew I would sometimes wonder
what thoughts a supercooled neuristor-type brain might be thinking up there, somewhere, and under what
peculiar skies in what strange lands I might one day be remembered. I'd a feeling tins thought should have
made me happier than it did.

P. J. PLAUGER

Child of All Ages
P. J. Plauger is a relative newcomer within the genre. He was first generally heard of when he received the
John W. Campbell, Jr. Award for Best New Author so recently as Aussiecon, I975's World Science Fiction
Convention.

He has a Ph.D. in nuclear physics, worked for over five years as a "computer scientist" (the quotation marks
are his own) at Bell Laboratories, and is now a consultant in data processing for a New York-based firm which
specializes in advanced seminars. As Vice President of Technical Services for that company (Yourdon Inc.),
he is in charge of the technical staff, the in-house computer, and the technical quality of the company's
courses. The job has sent him to Europe and Australia at regular intervals, which, he says, he thoroughly
enjoys.

"Sadly," he further says, "this leaves me very little time for writing sf, which I also enjoy, or for making color
prints in my darkroom, or for building electronic toys, or for doing a million other things in which I delight. Ij
consider myself a natural philosopher, and I want to do everything."

He now lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan within rock-throwing distance of the Hayden Planetarium,
and is sometimes at home. His award-winning story appears in this collection only because one phonecall
caught him with a day to spare before he left for Tahiti (for a rest) and then Australia (the workaday life again).

Science fiction by hoary tradition acknowledges no limits to its province as to space or time, but Plauger's
Corollary must surely be: Peripatetic people write about peripatetic people,.

T
he child sat in the waiting room with her hands folded neatly on her lap. She wore a gay print dress made
of one of those materials that would have quickly revealed its cheapness had it not been carefully
pressed. Her matching shoes had received the same meticulous care. She sat prim and erect, no
fidgeting, no scuffing of shoes against chair legs, exhibiting a patience that legions of nuns have striven, in
vain, to instill in other children. This one looked as if she had done a lot of waiting.

May Foster drew back from the two-way mirror through which she had been studying her newest
problem. She always felt a little guilty about spying on children like this before an interview, but she
readily conceded to herself that it helped her handle cases better. By sizing up an interviewee in advance,
she saved precious minutes of sparring and could usually gain the upper hand right at the start Dealing
with "problem" children was a no-holds-barred proposition, if you wanted to survive in the job without
ulcers.

That patience could be part of her act, May thought for a moment But no, that didn't make sense. Superb
actors that they were, these kids always reserved their performances for an audience; there was no
reason for the girl to suspect the special mirror on this, her first visit to Mrs. Foster's office. One of the
best advantages to be gained from the mirror, in fact, was the knowledge of how the child behaved when
a social worker wasn't in the room. Jekyll and Hyde looked like twins compared to the personality

179

i8o
P. J. PLATJGEB

changes May had witnessed in fifteen years of counseling.

May stepped out of the darkened closet, turned on the room lights and returned to her desk. She
scanned the folder one last time, closed it in front of her and depressed the intercom button.

"Louise, you can bring the child in now."

There was a slight delay, then the office door opened and the child stepped in. For all her preparation,
May was taken aback. The girl was thin, much thinner than she looked sitting down, but not to the point
of being unhealthy. Rather, it was the kind of thinness one finds in people who are still active in their
nineties. Not wiry, but enduring. And those eyes.

May was one of the first Peace Corps volunteers to go into central Africa. For two years she fought
famine and malnutrition with every weapon, save money, that modern technology could bring to bear. In
the end it was a losing battle, because politics and tribal hatred dictated that thousands upon thousands
must die the slow death of starvation. That was where she had seen eyes like that before.

Children could endure pain and hunger, forced marches, even the loss of their parents, and still recover
eventually with the elasticity of youth. But when their flesh melted down to the bone, their bellies
distended, then a look came into their eyes that remained ever with them for their few remaining days. It
was the lesson learned much too young that the adult world was not worthy of their trust, the realization
that death was a real and imminent force in their world. For ten years after, May's nightmares were
haunted by children staring at her with those eyes.

Now this one stood before her and stared into her soul with eyes that had looked too intimately upon
death.

As quickly as she had been captured, May felt herself freed. The girl glanced about the room, as if
CHILD OF ALL AGES l8l

checking for fire exits, took in the contents of May's desk with one quick sweep, then marched up to the
visitor's chair, and planted herself in it with a thump.

"My name is Melissa," she said, adding a nervous grin. "You must be Mrs. Foster." She was all little girl
now, squirming the least little bit and kicking one shoe against another. The eyes shone with carefree
youth.
May shook herself, slowly recovered. She thought she had seen everything before, until now. The
guileless bit was perfect—Melissa looked more like a model eight-year-old than a chronic troublemaker
going on, what was it? Fourteen. Fourteen?

"You've been suspended from school for the third time this year, Melissa," she said with professional
sternness. May turned on her best Authoritarian Glare, force three.

"Yep," the child said with no trace of contrition. The Glare faded, switched to Sympathetic
Understanding.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" May asked softly.

Melissa shrugged.

"What's to say? Old Man M—uh, Mr. Morrisey and I got into an argument again in history class." She
giggled. "He had to pull rank on me to win," Straight face.

"Mr. Morrisey has been teaching history for many years," May placated. "Perhaps he felt that he knows
more about the subject than you do."

"Morrisey has his head wedged!" May's eyebrows skyrocketed, but the girl ignored the reproach, in her
irritation. "Do you know what he was trying to palm off on the class? He was trying to say that the
Industrial Revolution in England was a step backward.

"Kids working six, seven days a week in the factories, going fourteen hours at a stretch, all to earn a few
pennies a week. That's all he could seel He never thought to ask why they did it if conditions were so
bad."
182

P. J. PLAUGEH

'Well, why did they?" May asked reflerively. She was caught up in the child's enthusiasm.

The girl looked at her pityingly.

"Because it was the best game in town, that's why. If you didn't like the factory, you could try your hand
at begging, stealing, or working on a farm. If you got caught begging or stealing in those days, they boiled
you in oil. No joke. And farm work." She made a face.

"That was seven days a week of busting your tail from before sunup to after sundown. And what did
you have to show for it? In a good year, you got all you could eat; in a bad year you starved. But you
worked just as hard on an empty gut as on a full one. Harder.

"At least with a factory job you had money to buy what food there was when the crops failed. That's
progress, no matter how you look at it"

May thought for a moment

"But what about all the children maimed by machinery?" she asked. "What about all the kids whose
health was destroyed from breathing dust or stoking fires or not getting enough sun?"

"Ever seen a plowboy after a team of horses walked over him? Ever had sunstroke?' She snorted. "Sure
those factories were bad, but everything else was worse. Try to tell that to Old Man Morrisey, though."
"You talk as if you were there," May said with a hint of amusement

Flatly. "I read a lot-May recalled herself to the business at hand.

"Even if you were right, you stifl could have been more tactful, you know." The girl simply glowered and
hunkered down in her chair. "You've disrupted his class twice, now, and Miss Randolph's class too."

May paused, turned up Sympathetic Understanding another notch.

"I suspect your problem isn't just with school. How are things going at home?"

Melissa shrugged again. It was a very adult gesture.
CHILD OF ALL AGES 183

"Home." Her tone eliminated every good connotation the word possessed. "My fa—my foster father died
last year. Heart attack. Bam! Mrs. Stuart still hasn't gotten over it" A pause.

"Have you?"

The girl darted a quick glance.

"Everybody dies, sooner or later." Another pause. 1 wish Mr. Stuart had hung around a while longer,
though. He was OK."

"And your mother?" May prodded delicately.

"My foster mother can't wait for me. to grow up and let her off the hook. Jeez, she'd marry me off next
month if the law allowed." She stirred uncomfortably. "She keeps dragging boys home to take me out"

"Do you like going out with boys?"

A calculating glance.

"Some. I mean boys are OK, but Tni not ready to settle down quite yet." A nervous laugh. "I mean I
don't hate boys or anything. I mean Tve still got lots of time for that sort of stuff when I grow up."

"You're nearly fourteen."

I'm smaE for my age."

Another tack.

"Does Mrs. Stuart feed you well?*

"Sure."

"Do you make sure you eat a balanced diet?"

"Of course. Look, I'm just naturally thin, is all. Mrs. Stuart may be a pain in the neck, but she's not trying
to kill me off or anything. Ifs just that—" a sly smile Crossed her face. "Oh, I get it"

MeHssa shifted to a pedantic false baritone.

"A frequent syndrome in modern urban society is Hie apparently nutrition-deficient early pubescent
female. Although in an economic environment that speaks against a lack of financial resources or dietary
education, said subject nevertheless exhibits a seeming inability to acquire adequate sustenance for
growth.

"Subject is often found in an environment lacking in one or more vital male supportive roles and, on
184 P. J. PLAUGEH

close examination, reveals a morbid preoccupation with functional changes incident to the onset of
womanhood. Dietary insufficiency is clearly a tacit vehicle for avoiding responsibilities associated with
such changes."

She took an exaggerated deep breath. "Whew! That Anderson is a long-winded son of a gun. So they
stuck you with his book in Behav. Psych, too, huh?" She smiled sweetly.

"Why, yes. That is, we read it. How did you know?"

"Saw it on your bookshelf. Do you have any candy?"

"Ufa, no."

Too bad. The last social worker I dealt with always kept some on hand. You ought to, too. Good for
public relations." Melissa looked aimlessly around the room.

May shook herself again. She hadn't felt so out of control in years. Not since they tried her out on the
black ghetto kids. She dug in her heels.

"That was a very pretty performance, Melissa. I see you do read a lot But did it ever occur to you that
what Anderson said might still apply to you? Even if you do make a joke out of it."

"You mean, do I watch what I eat, because Fm afraid to grow up?" A nod. "You'd better believe it. But
not because of that guff Anderson propagates."

The girl glanced at the photographs on the desk, looked keenly into May's eyes.

"Mrs. Foster, how open-minded are you? No, strike that. I've yet to meet a bigot who didn't think of
himself as Blind Justice, Incarnate. Let's try a more pragmatic test. Do you read science fiction?"

"Uh, some."

"Fantasy?"

"A little."

"Well, what do you think of it? I mean, do you enjoy it?" Her eyes bored.

"Well, uh, I guess I like some of it Quite a bit of
CHILD OF ALL AGES 185

it leaves me cold." She hesitated. "My husband reads it mostly. And my father-in-law. He's a
biochemist," she added lamely, as though that excused something.

Melissa shrugged her adult shrug, made up her mind.

"What would you say if I told you my father was a wizard?"
"Frankly, Yd say you've built up an elaborate delusional system about your unknown parents. Orphans
often do, you know."

^Yeah, Anderson again. But thanks for being honest; it was the right answer for you. I suspect,
however," she paused, fixed the woman with an unwavering sidelong glance, "you're willing to believe
that I might be more than your average maladjusted foster child."

Under that stare, May could do nothing but nod. Once. Slowly.

"What would you say if I told you that I am over twenty-four hundred years old?"

May felt surprise, fear, elation, an emotion that had no name.

Td say that you ought to meet my husband."

The child sat at the dinner table with her hands folded neatly on her lap. The three adults toyed with then-
aperitifs and made small talk Melissa responded to each effort to bring her into the conversation with a
few polite words, just the right number of just the right words for a well-behaved child to speak when she
is a first-time dinner guest among people who hardly know her. But she never volunteered any small talk
of her own.

George Foster, Jr., sensed that the seemingly innocent child sitting across from him was waiting them out,
but he couldn't be sure. One thing he was sure of was that if this child were indeed older than
Christendom he didn't have much chance against her in intellectual games. That much decided, he was
perfect-

i86
P. J. PLATJGEH

ly willing to play out the evening in a straightforward manner. But in his own good tuna

"Would you start the salad around, Dad?" he prompted. 'T. hope you like endive, Melissa. Or is that also
a taste acquired in adulthood, like alcohol?" The girl had refused a dry sherry, politely but firmly.

"I'm sure I'll enjoy the salad, thank you. The dressing smells delicious. It's a personal recipe, isn'tit?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact it is," George said in mild surprise. He suddenly realized that he habitually
classified all thin people as picky, indifferent eaters. A gastronome didn't have to be overweight

"Being a history professor gives me more freedom to schedule my time than May has," he found himself
explaining. 'It is an easy step from cooking because you must, to cooking because you enjoy it That
mustard dressing is one of my earliest inventions. Would you like the recipe?"

"Yes, thank you. I don't cook often, but when I do I like to produce something better than average." She
delivered the pretty compliment with a seeming lack of guile. She also avoided, George noted,
responding to the veiled probe about her age. He was becoming more and more impressed. They broke
bread and munched greens. How do I handle this? By the way, May tells me you're twenty-four
hundred years old. He met his father's eye, caught the faintest of shrugs. Thanks for the help.

"By the way, May tells me you were in England for a while." Now why in hell did he say that?

"I didn't actually say so, but yes, I was. Actually, we discussed lie Industrial Revolution, briefly." Were
you there?
"I'm a medievalist; actually, but I'm also a bit of an Anglophile." George caught himself before he could
lapse into the clipped, pseudo-British accent that phrase always triggered in him. He felt particularly
CHILD OF AH. AGES l8/


vulnerable to making an ass of himself under that innocent gaze.

"Do you know much about English royalty?" He was about as subtle as a tonsillectomy.

"We studied it in school some."

"I always wanted to be another Admiral Nelson. Damned shame the way he died. What was it the king
said after his funeral, it was Edward, I think—"

Melissa put her fork down.

"It was King George, and you know it Look, before I came here I lived in Berkeley for a while." She
caught May's look. "I know what my records say. After all, I wrote them ... as I was saying, I was in
Berkeley a few years back. It was right in the middle of the worst of the student unrest and we lived not
three blocks from campus. Every day I walked those streets and every night we'd watch the riots and the
thrashing on TV. Yet not once did I ever see one of those events with my own eyes."

She looked at them each in turn.

"Something could be happening a block away, something that attracted network television coverage and
carloads of police, and I wouldn't know about it until I got home and turned on Cronkite. I think I may
have smelled tear gas, once."

She picked up her fork.

"You can quiz me all you want to, Dr. Foster, about admirals and kings and dates. I guess that's what
history is all about But don't expect me to tell you about anything I didn't learn in school. Or see on
television."

She stabbed viciously at a last scrap of endive. They watched her as she ate.

"Kids don't get invited to the events that make history. Until very recently all they ever did was work.
Worked until they grew old or worked until they starved or worked until they were killed by a passing
war. That's as close as most kids get to history, outside
i88

P. J. PLAUGEH

the classroom. Dates don't mean much when every day looks like every other."

George was at a loss for something to say after that, so he got up and went to the sideboard where the
main dishes were being kept warm. He made an elaborate exercise out of removing lids and collecting
hot pads.

"Are you really twenty-four hundred years old?" asked George Foster, Sr. There, it was out in the open.

"Near as I can tell," spooning chicken and dumplings onto her plate. "Like I said, dates don't mean much
to a kid. It was two or three hundred years before I gave much thought to when everything started. By
then, it was a litfle hard to reconstruct. I make it twenty-four hundred and thirty-three years, now. Give
or take a decade." Give or take a decade!
"And your father was a magician?" May pursued. "Not a magician, a wizard." A little exasperated. "He
didn't practice magic or cast spells; he was a wise man, a scholar. You could call him a scientist, except
there wasn't too much science back then. Not that he didn't know a lot about some things—obviously he
did—but he didn't work with an organized body of knowledge the way people do now."

Somehow she had contrived to fill her plate and make a noticeable dent in her chicken without
interrupting her narrative. George marveled at the girl's varied social talents.

''Anyway, he was working on a method of restoring youth. Everybody was, in those days. Very stylish;
There was actually quite a bit of progress being made. I remember one old geezer actually renewed his
sex life for about thirty years."

Tou mean, you know how to reverse aging?" George, Sr. asked intently. The candlelight couldn't erase
all the lines in his face.
CHILD OF ALL AGES l8g

"Sorry, no, I didn't say that" She watched the elder Foster's expression closely, her tone earnestly
entreating him to believe her. "I just said I know of one man who did that once. For a while. But he didn't
tell anyone else how he did it, as far as I know. The knowledge died with him,"

Melissa turned to the others, looking for supporting belief.

"Look, that's the way people were, up until the last few centuries. Secrecy was what kept science from
blossoming for so long. I saw digitalis appear and disappear at least three times before it became
common knowledge. ... I really can't help you." Gently.

"I believe you, child." George, Sr. reached for the wine bottle.

"My father spent most of his time trying to second-guess the competition. I suppose they were doing the
same thing. His only real success story was me. He found a way to stop the aging process just before
puberty, and if s worked for me all this time."

"He told you how he did it?" George, Sr. asked.

"[ know what to do. I don't understand the mechanism, yet I know it's of no use to adults."

"You've tried it?"

"Extensively." An iron door of finality clanged in that word.

"Could you describe the method?"

"I could, I won't Perhaps I am just a product of iny age, but secrecy seems to be the only safe haven in
this matter. Fve had a few painful experiences." They waited, but she did not ekborate.

George, Jr. got up to clear the table. He reached to pick up a plate and stopped.

"Why have you told us all this, Melissa?"

"Isn't it obvious?" She folded her hands on her kp in that posture of infinite patience. "No, I suppose it
isn't unless you've lived as I have.

"After my father died, I hung around Athens for a
P. J. FLATTGEH
while—did I mention, thaf s where we Hved? But too many people knew me and began to wonder out
loud about why I wasn't growing up. Some of the other wizards began to eye me speculatively, before I
wised up and got out of town. I didn't want to die a prisoner before anyone figured out I had nothing
useful to divulge.

"I soon found that I couldn't escape from my basic problem. There's always someone happy to take in a
child, particularly a healthy one that's willing to do more than her share of the work. But after a few years,
it would become obvious that I was not growing up like other children. Suspicion would lead to fear, and
fear always leads to trouble. Tve learned to Judge to a nicety when it's time to move on."

George, Jr. placed a covered server on the table and unveiled a chocolate layer cake. Like all children
throughout time, Melissa grinned in delight

If s a decided nuisance looking like -a child—being a child—particularly now. You can't just go get a
job and rent your own apartment. You can't apply for a driver's license. You have to belong to someone
and be in school, or some government busybody will be causing trouble. And with modern
recordkeeping, you have to build a believable existence on paper too. That's getting harder all the time."

"It would seem to me," interposed George, Jr., "that your best bet would be to move to one of the less
developed countries. In Africa, or South America. There'd be a lot less hassle."

Melissa made a face.

"*No, thank you. I learned a long time ago to stick with the people who have the highest standard of
living around. It's worth the trouble. . . . Nw wer in Wohlstand lebt, lebt angenehm. You know
Brecht? Good."

The girl gave up all pretense of conversation long enough to demolish a wedge of cake.
I'lH 11 T> OF ALI* AGES

IQl

"That was an excellent dinner. Thank you." She dabbed her lips daintily with her napkin, "I haven't
answered your question completely.

Tm telling you all about myself because if s time to move on again. Fve overstayed my welcome with the
Stuarts. My records are useless to me now—in fact they're an embarrassment. To keep on the way I've
been, M have to manufacture a whole new set and insinuate them into someone's files, somewhere. I
thought it might be easier this time to take the honest approach."

She looked at them expectantly. "You mean, you want us to help you get into a new foster home?"
George, Jr. strained to keep the incredulity out of his voice. Melissa looked down at her empty dessert
plate. "George, you are an insensitive lout," May said with surprising fervor. "Don't you understand?
She's asking us to take her in." George was thunderstruck.

"Us? Well, ah. But we don't have any children for her to pky with. I mean—" He shut his mouth before
he started to gibber. Melissa would not look up. George looked at bis wife, his father. It was clear that
they had completely outpaced him and had already made up their minds.

1 suppose it's possible," he muttered lamely. The girl looked up at last, tears lurking in the corners of her
eyes.

"Oh, please. I'm good at housework and I don't make any noise. And Tve been thinking—maybe I don't
know much history, but I do know a lot about how people lived in a lot of different times and places.
And I can read all sorts of languages. Maybe I could help you with your medieval studies." The words
tumbled over each other.

"And I remember some of the things my father tried," she said to George, Sr. "Maybe your training
192

P. J. PLAUGEB

in biochemistry will let you see where he went wrong. I know he had some success." The girl was very
close to begging, George knew. He couldn't bear that.

"Dad?" he asked, mustering what aplomb he could.

"I think it would work out," George, Sr. said slowly. "Yes. I think it would work out quite weU."

"May?"

"You know my answer, George."

"Well, then." Still half bewildered. 1 guess ifs settled. When can you move in, Melissa?"

The answer, if there was one, was lost, amidst scraping of chairs and happy bawling noises from May
and the girl. May always wanted a child, George rationalized, perhaps this win be good for her. He
exchanged a tentative smile with his father.

May was still hugging Melissa enthusiastically. Over his wife's shoulder, George could see the child's
tear-streaked face. For just one brief moment, he thought he detected an abstracted expression there, as
though the child was already calculating how long this particular episode would last. But then the look
was drowned in another flood of happy Clears and George found himself smiling at his new daughter.

The child sat under 1he tree with her hands folded heafly on her lap. She looked up as George, Sr.
approached. His gait had grown noticeably less confident in the last year; the stiffness and teetery
uncertainty of age could no longer be ignored. George, Sr. was a proud man, but he was no fool He
lowered himself carefully onto a tree stump.

"Hello, Grandpa," Melissa said with just a hint of warmth. She sensed his mood, George, Sr. realized,
and was being carefully disarming.

"Mortimer died," was all he said.

 I was afraid he might. He'd lived a long time, for a white rat Did you learn anything from the last blood
K


sample?"
CHILD OF ALL AGES
193

"No." Wearily. "Usual decay products. He died of old age. I could put it fancier, but that's what it
amounts to. And I don't know why he suddenly started losing ground, after all these months. So I don't
know where to go from here."

They sat in silence, Melissa patient as ever.

"You could give me some of your potion."
"No." .

1 know you have some to spare—you're cautious. That's why you spend so much time back in the
woods, isn't it? You're making the stuff your fattier told you about"

"I told you it wouldn't help you any and you promised not to ask." There was no accusation in her voice,
it was a simple statement

"Wouldn't you like to grow up, sometime?" he asked at length.

"Would you choose to be Emperor of the World if you knew you would be assassinated in two weeks?
No, thank you. Fll stick with what I've got"

*Tf we studied the make-up of your potion, we might figure out a way to let you grow up and still remain
immortaL"

Tm not all that immortal. Which is why I don't want too many people to know about me or my methods.
Some jealous fool might decide to put a bullet through my head out of spite. ... I can endure diseases. I
even regrew a finger once—took forty years. But I couldn't survive massive trauma." She drew her knees
up and hugged them protectively.

"You have to realize that most of my defenses are prophylactic. I've learned to anticipate damage and
avoid it as much as possible. But my body's defenses are just extensions of a child's basic resource,
growth. It's a tricky business to grow out of an injury without growing up in the process. Once certain
glands take over, there's no stopping them.

"Take teeth, for instance. They were designed for a finite lifetime, maybe half a century of gnawing on
P. J. KLAW5EH

bones. When mine wear down, all I can do is pull them and wait what seems like forever for
replacements to grow in. Painful, too. So I brush after meals and avoid abrasives. I stay well clear of
dentists and their drills. That way I only have to suffer every couple of hundred years."

George, Sr. felt dizzy at the thought of planning centuries the way one might lay out semesters. Such
incongruous words from the mouth of a little girl sitting under a tree hugging her knees. He began to
understand why she almost never spoke of her age or her past unless directly asked.

"I know a lot of biochemistry, too," she went on. "You must have recognized that by now." He nodded,
reluctantly. "Well, I've studied what you call my 'potion' and I don't think we know enough biology or
chemistry yet to understand it. Certainly not enough to make changes.

"I know how to hold onto childhood. That's not the same problem as restoring youth."

"But don't you want badly to be able to grow up? You said yourself what a nuisance it is being a child in
the Twentieth Century."

"Sure, it's a nuisance. But it's what I've got and I don't want to risk it" She leaned forward, chin resting on
kneecaps.

"Look, I've recruited other kids in the past. Ones I liked, ones I thought I could spend a long time with.
But sooner or later, every one of them snatched at the bait you're dangling. They all decided to grow up
'just a little bit.' Well, they did. And now they're dead. I'll stick with my children's games, if it please you."

"You don't mind wasting all that time in school? Learning the same things over and over again?
Surrounded by nothing but children? Real children?" He put a twist of malice in the emphasis.

"What waste? Time? Got lots of that How much of your lif e have you spent actually doing research,
com-
CHHJ) OF ALL AGES

195

pared to the time spent writing reports and driving to work? How much time does Mrs. Foster get to
spend talking to troubled kids? She's lucky if she averages five minutes a day. We all spend most of our
time doing routine chores. It would be unusual if any of us did not

"And I don't mind being around kids. I lite them."

T never have understood that," George, Sr. said half abstractedly. "How well you can mix with children
so much younger than you. How you can act like them."

"You've got it backward," she said softly. "They act like me. All children are immortal, until they grow
up."

She let that sink in for a minute.

"Now I ask you, Grandpa, you tell me why I should want to grow up."

"There are other pleasures," he said eventually, "far deeper than the joys of childhood."

"You mean sex? Yes, I'm sure that's what you're referring to. Well, what makes you think a girl my age
isavirgin?"

He raised his arms in embarrassed protest, as if to ward such matters from his ears.

"No, wait a minute. You brought this up," she per= sisted. "Look at me. Am I unattractive? Good teeth,
no pock marks. No visible deformities. Why, a girl like me would make first-rate wife material in some
circles. Particularly where the average life expectancy is, say, under thirty-five years—as it has been
throughout much of history. Teen-age celibacy and late marriage are conceits that society has only
recently come to afford."

She looked at him haughtily.

"I have had my share of lovers, and you can bet I've enjoyed them as much as they've enjoyed me. You
don't need glands for that sort of thing so much as sensitive nerve endings—and a little understanding. Of
course, my boyfriends were all a little disap-

196
P. J. PLATTGEB

pointed when I failed to ripen up, but it was fun while it lasted.

"Sure, it would be nice to live in a woman's body, to feel all those hormones making you do wild things.
But to me, sex isn't a drive, it's just another way of relating to people. I already recognize my need to be
around people, uncomplicated by any itches that need scratching. My life would be a lot simpler if I could
do without others, heaven knows. I certainly don't have to be forced by glandular pressure to go in
search of company. What else is there to life?"
What else, indeed? George, Sf. thought bitterly. One last try.

"Do you know about May?" he asked.

"That she can't have children? Sure, that was pretty obvious from the start Do you think I can help her?
You do, yes. Well, I can't I know even less about that than I do about what killed Mortimer."

Pause.

"I'm sorry, Grandpa."

Silence.

"I really am."

Silence.

Distantly, a car could be heard approachmg the house. George, Jr. was coming home. The old man got
up from the stump, slowly and stiffly.

"Dinner will be ready soon." He turned toward the house. "Don't be late. You know your mother doesn't
like you to play in the woods."

The child sat in the pew with her hands folded neatly on her lap. She could hear the cold rain lash against
the stained-glass windows, their scenes of martyrdom muted by the night lurking outside. Melissa had
always liked churches. In a world filled with change and death, church was a familiar haven, a resting
place for embattled innocents to prepare for fresh encounters with a hostile world.

Her time with the Fosters was over. Even with the
CHILD OF ALL AGES

197

inevitable discord at the end, she was already able to look back over her stay with fond remembrance.
What saddened her most was that her prediction that first evening she came to dinner had been so
accurate. She kept hoping that just once her cynical assessment of human nature would prove wrong and
she would be granted an extra year, even an extra month, of happiness before she was forced to move
on.

Things began to go really sour after George, Sr. had his first mild stroke. It was George, Jr. who became
the most accusatory then. (The old man had given up on Melissa; perhaps that was what angered
George, Jr. the most) There was nothing she could say or do to lessen the tension. Just being there,
healthy and still a prepubescent child unchanged in five years of photographs and memories—her very
presence made a mockery of the old man's steady retreat in the face of mortality.

Had George, Jr. understood himself better, perhaps he would not have been so hard on the girl. (But
then, she had figured that in her calculations.) He thought it was May who wanted children so badly,
when in actuality it was his own subconscious striving for that lesser form of immortality that made their
childless home ring with such hollowness. All May begrudged the child was a second chance at the
beauty she fancied lost with the passing of youth. Naturally May fulfilled her own prophecy, as so many
women do, by discarding a little more glow with each passing year.

George, Jr. took to following Melissa on her trips into the woods. Anger and desperation gave him a
stealth she never would have otherwise ascribed to him. He found all her hidden caches and stole minute
samples from each. It did him no good, of course, nor his father, for the potion was extremely
photo-reactant (her father's great discovery and Melissa's most closely guarded secret). The delicate long
chain
1Q8 P. J. PLAUGEH

molecules were smashed to a meaningless soup of common organic substances long before any of the
samples reached the analytical laboratory.

But that thievery was almost her undoing. She did not suspect anything until the abdominal cramps
started. Only twice before in her long history—both times of severe famine—had that happened. In a
pure panic, Melissa plunged deep into the forest, to collect her herbs and mix her brews and sleep beside
them in a darkened burrow for the two days it took them to ripen. The cramps abated, along with her
panic, and she returned home to find that George, Sr. had suffered a second stroke.

May was furious—at what, she could not say precisely—there was no talking to her. George, Jr. had
long been a lost cause. Melissa went to her room, thought things over a while, and prepared to leave. As
she crept out the back door, she heard George, Jr. talking quietly on the telephone.

She hot-wired a neighbor's car and set off for town. Cars were pulling into the Foster's drive as she went
past, hard-eyed men climbing out Melissa had cowered in alleyways more than once to avoid the gaze of
Roman centurions. These may have been CIA, FBI, some other alphabet name to disguise their true
purpose in life, but she knew them for what they were. She had not left a minute too soon.

No one thinks to look for stolen cars when a child disappears; Melissa had some time to maneuver. She
abandoned the sedan in town less than a block away from the bus depot At the depot, she openly bought
a one-way ticket to Berkeley. She was one of the first aboard and made a point of asking the driver, in
nervous little-girl fashion, whether this was really the bus to Berkeley. She slipped out while he was
juggling paperwork with title dispatcher.

With one false trail laid, she was careful not to go running off too quickly in another direction. Best to lay
low until morning, at least, then rely more on
CHILD OP ALL AGES

199

walking than riding to get somewhere else. Few people thought to walk a thousand miles these days;
Melissa had done it more times than she could remember.

"We have to close up, son," a soft voice said behind her. She suddenly remembered her disguise and
realized the remark was addressed to her. She turned to see the priest drifting toward her, his robes
rustling almost imperceptibly. "If s nearly midnight,'' the man said with a smile, "you should be getting
home."

"Oh, hello, Father. I didn't hear you come in."

"Js everything all right? You're out very late."

**My sister works as a waitress, down the block. Dad likes me to walk her home. I should go meet her
now. Just came in to get out of the rain for a bit. Thanks."

Melissa smiled her sincerest smile. She disliked lying, but it was important not to appear out of place. No
telling how big a manhunt might be mounted to fold her. She had no way of knowing how much the
Fosters would be believed. The priest returned her smile.

"Very good. But you be careful too, son. The streets aren't safe for anyone, these days."

They never have been, Father.

Melissa had passed as a boy often enough in the past to know that safety, from anything, depended little
on sex. At least not for children.

That business with the centurions worried her more than she cared to admit The very fact that they turned
out in such numbers indicated that George, Jr. had at least partially convinced someone important

Luckily, there was no hard evidence that she was really what she said she was. The samples George, Jr.
stole were meaningless and the pictures and records May could produce on her only covered about an
eight-year period. That was a long time for a little girl to remain looking Mice a little girl, but not
fright-eningly out of the ordinary.
20O P. J. PIAUGEH

If she was lucky, the rationalizations had already begun. Melissa was just a freak of some land, a late
maturer and a con artist. The Fosters were upset— that much was obvious—because of George, Sr.
They should not be believed too literally.

Melissa could hope. Most of all she hoped that they didn't have a good set of her fingerprints. (She had
polished everything in her room before leaving.) Bureaucracies were the only creatures she could not
outlive—It would be very bad if the U.S. Government carried a grudge against her.

Oh well, that was the last time she would try the honest approach for quite some time.

The rain had backed off to a steady drizzle. That was an improvement, she decided, but it was still
imperative that she find some shelter for the night. The rain matted her freshly cropped hair and soaked
through her thin baseball jacket She was cold and tired.

Melissa dredged up the memories, nurtured over the centuries, of her first, real childhood. She
remembered her mother, plump and golden-haired, and how safe and warm it was curled up in her lap.
That one was gone now, along with millions of other mothers out of time. There was no going back.

Up ahead, on the other side of the street, a movie marquee splashed light through the drizzle. Black
letters spelled out a greeting:

WALT DISNEY

TRIPLE FEATURE

CONTINUOUS PERFORMANCES

FOR CHILDREN OF ALL AGES

That's me, Melissa decided, and skipped nimbly over the rain-choked gutter. She crossed the street on
a long diagonal, ever on the lookout for cars, and tendered up her money at the ticket window. Leaving
rain and cold behind for a time, she plunged gratefully into the warm darkness.

TOM REAMY
San Diego Lightfoot Sue
Literally in the air—"The flight is not a smooth one"— Tom Reamy approached a recent engagement as
toast-master at a regional convention while scribbling to a friend, "God knows what I will say."

His response to a request for biographical information (to precede his second Nebula winner in two years) is
in the same vein. He says, "Everything remotely biographical that I can think of registers minus three on the
interest meter. Basically, I haven't done anything. I'm John Lee Peacock, emotionally if not physically.... I've
gotten a lot of wordage out of my eighteen months in Hollywood. The difference between me and John Lee is
tat a certain point in the story] I left instead of staying." Reamy's overall assessment is that Hollywood
overloaded his sensory inputs.

After working on and among pornographic films and others ("I was assistant director on the third film I worked
on though my duties didn't differ greatly from Flesh ©ore/on when I was 'property master'") Reamy went back
to his old career of technical illustrator [not "technical writer" as was indicated in Nebula Ten] for a time. "If 1
could have worked steadily I might have stayed in LA., but there were too many idle times. Since it was
much cheaper to starve in Texas than in LA., I went back—end one day decided to write."

"Twilla" (last year's winner) was Tom Reamy's third story in order of writing. "San Diego Lightfoot Sue" was
his second. Ever.



Tl
his all began about ten years ago in a house at the top of a flight of rickety wooden stairs in Laurel
Canyon. It might be said there were two beginnings, though the casual sorcery in Laurel Canyon may
have been the cause and the other merely the effect—if you believe in that sort of thing.

The woman sat cross-legged on the floor reading the book. The windows were open to the warm
California night, and the only sound that came through them was the distant, muffled, eternal roar of Los
Angeles traffic. The brittle pages of the book crackled as she carefully turned them. She read slowly
because her Latin wasn't what is used to be. She lit a cigarette and left it to burn unnoticed in the ashtray
on the floor beside her.

"Here's a good one," she said to the big orange torn curled in the chair she leaned against "You don't
know where I can find a hazelnut bush with a nest of thirteen white adders under it, do you, Pun-kin?"
The cat didn't answer; he only opened one eye slightly and twitched the tip of his tail.

She turned a page, and several two-inch rectangles of white paper fell into her lap^ She picked them up
and examined them, but they were blank. She stuck them back in the book and kept reading.

She found it a while later. It was a simple spelL All she had to do was write the word-square on a piece
of white parchment with black ink and then burn it while thinking of the person she wished to summon.

233

234
TOM BEAMY

"I wonder if Paul Newman is doing anything tonight," she chuckled.

She stood up and went to the drafting table, opened a drawer, and removed a pen and a bottle of india
ink. She put a masking tape dispenser on the edge of the book to hold it open and carefully lettered the
word-square on one of the pieces of paper stuck between the pages. She supposed that's why her
mother, or whoever, had put them there—they looked like parchment, anyway.

The word-square was eight letters wide and eight letters high; eight eight-letter words stacked on top of
one another. She imagined they were words, though they were in no language she knew. The peculiar
thing about the square was that it read the same sideways or upside down—even in a mirror image, it
was the same.

She put the cap back on the ink and went to the ashtray, kneeling beside it She laid the parchment on the
dead cigarette butts. "Well, here goes," she-said to the cat "I wonder if its all right to burn it with a
cigarette lighter? Maybe I need a black taper made of the wax of dead bees or something."

She composed herself, trying to take it seriously, and thought of a man, not a specific man, just the man.
"I feel like Snow White singing 'Someday My Prince Will Come,'" she muttered. She flicked the cigarette
lighter and touched the flame to the coi> ner of the piece of paper.

It flamed up so quickly and so brightly that she gasped and drew back. "Godl" she grunted and hurried to
a window to escape the billows of bkck smoke that smelled of rotten eggs. The cat was already out,
sitting on the farthest point of the deck railing, looking at her with round startled eyes.

The woman glanced back at the black smoke spreading like a carpet on the ceiling and then at the
wide-eyed cat. She suddenly collapsed against the window sill in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. "Come
on
SAN DIEGO UGBTTFOOT SDE

335

back in, Punldn," she gasped. "Ifs all over." The cat gave her an incredulous look and hopped off the
railing into the shrubbery.

This also began about ten years ago in Kansas, the summer he was fifteen, when the air smelled like hot
metal and rang with the cries of cicadas. It ended a month later when he was still fifteen, when the house
in Laurel Canyon burned with a strange green, fire that made no heat

His name was John Lee Peacock, a good, old, undistinguished name in southern Kansas. His mother and
his aunts and his aunts' husbands called him John Lee. The kids in school called him Johnny, which he
preferred. His father never called htm anything.

His father had been by-passed by the world, but he wouldn't have cared, even if he had been aware of it
Wash Peacock was a dirt farmer who refused to abandon the land. The land repaid his taciturn loyalty
with annual betrayal. Wash had only four desires in Me: to work the land, three hot meals each day,
sleep, and copulation when the pressures built high enough. The children were strangers who appeared
suddenly, disturbed his sleep for a while, then faded into the gray house or the County Line Cemetery.

John Lee's mother had been a Willet, The aunts were her sisters: Rose and Lilah. Wash had a younger
brother somewhere in Pennsylvania—or, had had one the last time he heard. That was in 1927, the year
Wash's mother died. Grace Elizabeth Willet married Delbert Washburn Peacock in the fall of 1930. She
did it because her father, old Judge Willet, thought it was a good idea. Grace Elizabeth was a plain, timid
girl who, he felt, was destined to be the family's maiden aunt He was right, but she would have been
much happier if he hadn't interfered.

The Peacocks had owned the land for nearly a
236 TOM BEAMY
hundred years and were moderately prosperous. They had survived the Civil War, Reconstruction, and
statehood, but wouldn't survive the Depression. Judge Willet felt that Wash was the best he could do for
Grace Elizabeth. He was a nice-looking man, and what he lacked in imagination, he made up in hard
work.

But the Peacocks had a thin, unfortunate blood line. Only a few of the many children lived. It was the
same with Wash and Grace Elizabeth. She had given birth eight times, but there were only three of them
left. Wash, Jr., her first born, had married one of the trashy O°Dell girls and had gone to Oklahoma to
work in the oilfields. She hadn't heard from him in thirteen years. Dwayne Edward, the third born, had
stayed in Los Angeles after his separation from the army. He sent a card every Christmas and she had
kept them all. She wished some of the girls had lived. She would have liked to have a girl, to make pretty
things for her, to have someone to talk to. But she had lost the three girls and two of the boys. She had
trouble remembering their names sometimes, but it was all written in the big Bible where she could remind
herself when the names began to slip away.

John Lee was the youngest He had arrived late in her life, a comfort for her weary years. She wanted him
to be different from the others. Wash, Jr., and Dwayne had both been disappointments; too much like
their father: unimaginative plodding boys who had done badly in school and got into trouble with the law.
She still loved them because they were her children, but she sometimes forgot why she was supposed to.
She wanted John Lee to read books (God! How long since she'd read a book; she used to read all the
time when she was a girl), to know about art and faraway places. She knew she hoped for too much,
and so she was content when she got a part of it

Wash didn't pay any more attention to John Lee
SAN DIEGO IJGHTFOOT SUE

237

than he had the others. He neither asked nor seemed to want the boy's help in the field. So Grace
Elizabeth kept Trim around the house, helping with her chores, talking to him, having him share with her
what he had learned in school. She gave him as much as she could. There wasn't money for much, but
she managed to hold back a few dollars now and them

She loved John Lee very much; he was probably the only thing she did love. So, on that shimmering
summer day about ten years ago, when he was fifteen, she died for him.

She was cleaning up the kitchen after supper. Wash had gone back to the fields where he would stay
until dark. John Lee was at the kitchen table, reading, passing on bits of information he knew she would
like to hear. She leaned against the sink with the cup towel clutched in her hand and felt her supper turn
over in her stomach. She had known it was coming for months. Now it was here.

He's too young, she thought H he could only have a couple more years. She watched him bent over the
book, the evening sun glinting on his brown hair. He's even better looking than his father, she thought So
like his father. But only on the outside. Only on the outside.

She spread the cup towel on the rack to dry and walked through the big old house. She hadn't really
noticed the house in a long time. It had grown old and gray slowly, as she had, and so she had hardly
noticed it happening. Then she looked at it again and it wasn't the house she remembered moving into all
those years ago. Wash's father had built it in 1913 when the old one had been unroofed by a twister. He
had built it like they did in those days: big, so generations could live in it It had been freshly painted when
she moved in, a big white box eight miles from Hawley, a mile from Miller's Corners.
Then the hard times began. But Wash had clung to the land during the Depression and the dust He
338 TOM BEAMS'

hadn't panicked like most of the others. He hadn't sold the land at give-away prices or lost it because he
couldn't pay the taxes. Things had gotten a little better when the war began, but never as good as before
the Depression. Now they were bad again. At the end of each weary year there was only enough money
to do it all over again.

She supposed that being the oldest, Wash, Jr., would get it She was glad John Lee wouldn't She went
upstairs to his room and .packed his things in a pasteboard box. She left it where he would find it and
went to her own room. She opened a drawer in the old highboy that had belonged to her grandmother
and removed an envelope from beneath her cotton slips. She took it to the kitchen and handed it to John
Lee.

He took it and looked at her. "What is it Mama?"

*< Open it in the morning, John Lee. You'd better go to bed now."

"But it's not even dark yet" There's something wrong, there's something wrong.

'"Soon, then. I want to sit on the porch awhile and rest" She kissed him and patted his shoulder and left
the room. He watched the empty doorway and felt the blood singing in his ears. After a while, he got a
drink of water from the cooler and went to his room. He lay on the bed, looking at the water spots on the
ceiling paper, and clutched the envelope in his hands. Tears formed in his eyes and he tried to blink them
away.

Grace Elizabeth sat on the porch in her rocker, moving gently, mending Wash's clothes until it got too
dark to see. Then she folded them neatly in her lap, leaned back in the chair, and closed her eyes.

Wash found her the next morning only because he wondered why his breakfast wasn't waiting for him.
She was buried in the County Line Cemetery with five of her children after a brief service at the First
Baptist Church in Hawley. Aunt Rose and Aunt Lilah
SAN DIEGO IIGHTFOOT SUE

239

had a fine time weeping into black lace handkerchiefs and clucking over Poor John Lee.

On the way back from the funeral John Lee rode in the front seat of the '53 Chevrolet beside his father.
Neither of them spoke until they had turned off the highway at Miller's Corners.

"Write a letter to Wash, Jr. Tell him to come home." John Lee didn't answer. He could smell the dust
rising up behind the car. Wash parked it in the old carriage house and hurried to change clothes, hurried
to make up the half day he had lost. John Lee went to the closet in the front hall and took down a shoe
box, in which his mother kept such things, and looked for an address. He found it after a bit, worked to
the bottom, unused for thirteen years. He wrote the letter anyway.

He had left tike envelope unopened under his pillow. Now he opened it, although he had guessed what it
was. He counted the carefully hoarded bills: a hundred and twenty-seven dollars. He sat on the edge of
the bed, on the crazy quilt his mother had made for him, in the quiet room, in the silent weary house. He
wiped his eyes with his knuckles, picked up the pasteboard box, and walked the mile to Miller's
Corners.
His Sunday suit worn to the funeral that morning, once belonging to Dwayne, and before that, Wash, Jr.,
was white at the cuffs from the dusty road. His shoes, his alone, were even worse It was a scorcher. "It's
gonna be another scorcher," she always used to say, looking out the kitchen window after putting away
the breakfast dishes. He sat on the bench at the Gulf station, cleaning the dust off the best he could.

The cicadas screeched from the mesquite bushes, filling the hot still air with their insistent calls for a mate.
John Lee rather liked the sound, but it had bothered his mother. "Enough to drive a body ravin' mad," she
used to say. She always called them lo-

240
TOM BEAMY

ousts, but he had learned in school their real name was cicada. And when they talked about a plague of
locusts in the Bible, they really meant grasshoppers. "Well, 111 declare," she had said. "Always
wondered why locusts would be considered a plague. Par's I know, they don't do anything but sit in the
bushes and make noise. Now, grasshoppers I can understand." And she would smile at him in her
pleased and proud way that caused a pleasant hurting in the back of bis throat

"Hello, John Lee."

He looked up quickly. "Hello, Mr. Cuttsanger. How are you todayi^ He liked Mr. Cuttsanger, a
string-thin man the same age as his mother, who had seemingly permanent grease stains on his hands. He
wiped at them now with a dull red rag, but it didn't help.

Tni awfully sorry about your mother, boy. Wish I coulda gone to the funeral but I couldn't get away. We
were in the same grade together all through school, you know."

"Yes, I know. She told me."

"Whafre you doin' here still dressed up?" he asked, sticking the rag in his hip pocket and looking at the
box.

"I reckon I have to catch a bus, Mr. Cuttsanger." His heart did a little flip-flop. Not the old school bus
either, but a real bus,

"Where you off to, John Lee?"

"Where do your buses go, Mr. Cuttsanger?''

Mr. Cuttsanger sat on the bench beside John Lee. "The westbound will be through here in about an hour
goin' to Los Angeles. The eastbound comes through in the mornin' headed for St Louie. You already
missed it."

"Los Angeles. My brother, Dwayne, Hves in California." But he didn't know where. He had seen the
Christmas cards in the shoe box, but he hadn't paid any attention to the return address.

Mr. Cuttsanger nodded. "Good idea, goin' to stay
SAN 0IEGO UGHTFOOT SOE

241



with Dwayne. Nothin' for you here on this played-out old farm. Heard Grace Elizabeth say the same
thing. Your father ought to sell it and go with you. But I guess I know Wash better'n that" He arose from
the bench with a little sigh. He went into the station and returned with a small red flag. He stuck it in a
pipe welded at an angle to the pole supporting the Gulf sign. "There. He'll stop when he sees that You
buy your ticket from the driver."

"Thank you, Mr. Cuttsanger. I need to mail a letter also." He took the letter he had carefully addressed in
block printing to Delbert Washburn Peacock, Jr., Gen. Del, Norman, Okla., from bis pocket and
handed it to Mr. Cuttsanger. 1 don't have a stamp."

Mr. Cuttsanger looked at the letter. Is Wash, Jr., still in Norman?" He said it as if he doubted it

"I don't know. That's the only address I could find."

Mr. Cuttsanger tapped the letter against the knuckle of his thumb. "You leave a nickel with me and 111
get a stamp from Clayton in the mornin'. Sure was a lot simpler before they closed the post office." He
sat back on the bench in the shade of the car shed. John Lee followed his eyes as he looked at Miller's
Corners evaporating under the cloudless sky. An out-of-state csx blasted through doing seventy. Mr.
Cuttsanger sighed and accepted a nickel from John Lee. "They don't even have to slow down any more.
Used to be thirty-five-mile speed-limit signs at. each end of town. Guess they don't need 'em now. Ain't
noth-in' here but me and the cafe. Myrtle's been saying for nearly a year she was gonna move to Hawley
or maybe even Liberal. Closed the post office in fifty-five, I think it was. That foundation across the
highway is where the grocery store used to be. Don't reckon you remember the grocery store?"

"No, sir, but I remember the feed store."

Imagine that You musta been about four, five years old."
242

TOM BEAMY

"I was born in forty-eight"

"Closed the feed store in fifty-two. Imagine you rememberin' that far back." He continued to ramble on in
his pleasant friendly voice. John Lee asked questions and made comments to keep him going, to make
the time pass faster. A whole hour before the bus would come.

But it finally did, cutting off the highway in a cloud of dust and a dragon hiss of air brakes. John Lee
looked at the magic name in the little window over the windshield: LOS ANGELES. He swallowed and
solemnly shook hands with Mr. Cuttsanger.

"Good-by, Mr. Cuttsanger."

"Good-by, John Lee. You take care now."

John Lee nodded and picked up the box and walked to the bus, his legs trembling. The door sighed open
and the driver got out. He opened a big door on the side of the bus under Continental Trailr ways. He
took the pasteboard box.

'Where you goin'?"

Td like a ticket to Los Angeles, please." He couldn't keep from smiling when he said the name. The
driver put a tag on the box, put it in with the suitcases, and closed the door. John Lee followed him into
the bus. Inside it was cool like some of the stores in Liberal.
He bought his ticket and sat down in the front seat, scooting to the window as the bus lurched back onto
the highway. He looked back at Miller's Corners and waved to Mr. Cuttsanger, but he was taking down
the red flag and didn't see.

John Lee leaned back in the seat and hugged himself. Once more he couldn't keep from smiling. After a
bit, he looked around at the other people. There weren't many and seme weren't wearing Sunday
clothes; so he decided it would be all right to take off his jacket He settled back in the seat, watching the
baked Kansas countryside rush past the window. Strange, he thought, it looks the same way it does
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE

243

from the school bus. Even though he tried to prevent it, the smile returned unbidden every once in a
while.

The bus went through Hawley without stopping, past the white rococo courthouse with its high clock
tower; past the school, closed for the summer; over the hump in the highway by the old depot where the
railroad tracks had been taken out; across the bridge over Crooked Creek.

It stopped in Liberal and the driver called out, "Rest stop!" John Lee didn't know what a rest stop was,
and so he stayed on the bus. He noticed that some of the other passengers didn't get off either. He
decided there was nothing to worry about

He tried to see everything when the bus left Liberal, to look on both sides at once, because it was the
farthest he had ever been. But Oklahoma looked fust like Kansas, Texas looked just like Oklahoma, and
New Mexico looked like Texas, only each seemed a little bleaker than the one before. The bus stopped
in Tucumcari for supper. John Lee had forgotten to eat dinner, and his bladder felt like it would burst

He was nervous but he managed all right. He'd eaten in a cafe before, and, by watching the others, he
found out where the toilet was and how to pay for his meal. It was dark when the bus left Tucumcari. He
tried to go to sleep, to make the tune pass faster, the way he always did when the next day was bringing
wondrous things. "But, as usual, the harder he tried, the wider awake he was.

He awoke when the bus stopped for breakfast and quickly put his coat over his lap, hoping no one had
noticed. He waited until everyone else had gotten off, then headed for the toilet keeping his coat in front
of him. He didn't know for sure where he was, but all the cars had Arizona license plates.

It was after dark when the bus pulled into the Los Angeles terminal, though it seemed to John Lee as if
they had been driving through town for hours.

244
TOM BEAMY

He had never dreamed it was so big. He watched the other passengers collect their luggage and got his
pasteboard box.

Then he went out into: Los Angeles.

He walked around the street with the box clutched in his arms in total bedazzlement Buildings, lights,
cars, people, so many different kinds of people. It was the first time he had ever seen a Chinese, except
in the movies, although he wasn't absolutely sure that it wasn't a Japanese. There were dozens of picture
shows, lined up in rows. He liked movies and used to go nearly every Saturday afternoon, a long time
ago before the picture show in Hawley closed.

And buses, with more magic names in the little windows: SUNSET BLVD; HOLLYWOOD BLVD;
PASADENA; and lots of names he didn't recognize; but they were no less magic, he was sure, because
of that

He was standing on the curb, just looking, when a bus with HOLLYWOOD BLVD in the little window
pulled over and opened its door right in front of him. The driver looked at him impatiently. It was amazing
how the bus had stopped especially for him. He got on. There didn't seem to be anything else he could
do.

"Vine!" the driver bawled sometime later. John Lee got off and stood at the corner of Hollywood and
Vine grinning at the night. He walked down Hollywood Boulevard, gawking at everything, reading the
names in stars on the sidewalk. He never imagined there would be so many cars or so many people at
night. There were more than you would see in Liberal, even on Saturday afternoon. And the strange
clothes the people wore. And men with long hair like the Beatles. Mary Ellen Walker had a colored
picture of them pasted on her notebook.

He didn't know how far he had walked—*he street never seemed to end—but the box was heavy. He
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SUE

245

was hungry and his Sunday shoes had rubbed a blister on his heel. He went into a cafe and sat in a
booth, glad to get rid of the weight of the box. Most of the people looked at him as he came in. Several
of them smiled. He smiled back. A couple of people had said hello on the street too. Hollywood was
certainly a friendly place.

He told the waitress what he wanted. He looked around the cafe and met the eyes of a man at the
counter who had smiled when he came in. The man smiled again. John Lee smiled back, feeling good.
The man got off the stool and came to the booth carrying a cup of coffee.

"May I join you?" He seemed a little nervous.

"Sure." The man sat down and took a quick sip of the coffee. "My name is John Lee Peacock." He held
out his hand. The man looked startled, then took it, giving it a quick shake and hurriedly breaking contact
Td rather be called Johnny, though."

The man's skin was moist John Lee guessed he was about forty and a little bit fat. He nodded, quickly,
like a turkey. "Warren."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Warren. You live in Hollywood?"

"Yes."

The waitress brought the food and put it on the table. Warren was flustered. "Oh ... ah... put that on my
ticket"

The waitress looked at John Lee. Her mouth turned down a little at the corners. "Sure, honey," she said
to Mr. Warren.

John Lee discarded the straw from his ice tea and put sugar in it "Aren't you eating?'

"Ah ... no. No, I've already eaten." He took another nervous sip of the coffee, and John Lee heard a
smothered snicker from the booth behind him. "You didn't have to pay for my supper. I've got money."

"My pleasure."
246 TOM BEAMY

"Thank you, Mr. Warren."

"You're welcome. Uh . . .how long you been in town?"

"Just got here a little while ago. On a Continental Trailways bus, all the way from Miller's Corners,
Kansas." John Lee still couldn't believe where he was. He had to say it out loud. "I sure do like beiri" in
Los Angeles, Mr. Warren." ,

*Ybu have a place to stay yet?"

He hadn't really thought about that. "No, sir. I guess I haven't."

Warren smiled and seemed to relax a little. It was working out okay, but the kid was putting on the hick
routine a little thick. "Don't worry about it tonight You can stay at my place and look for something
tomorrow."

"Thank you, Mr. Warren. That's very nice of you."

"My pleasure. Uh . . . what made you come to Los Angeles?"

John Lee swallowed a mouth full of food. "My mamma died the other day. Before she died, she gave me
the money to get away."

" 'I want to sit on the porch a while and rest,' she had said.

"It was either Los Angeles or St. Louis, and the Los Angeles bus came by first" He pushed the gray
memories back out of title way. "And here I am!"

Warren looked at him, no longer smiling. "How old are you?"

'1 was fifteen last January." He wondered if he was expected to ask Mr. Warren's age.

"God!" Warren breathed. He slumped in the seat for a moment, then seemed to come to a decision.
"Look, uh... Johnny. I just remembered something. I won't be able to put you up for the night after all As
a matter of fact, I have to dash. Tm sorry."

"That's all right, Mr. Warren. It was kind of you to make the offer."

"My pleasure. So long." He hurried away. John Lee
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SUE

247

watched him stop at the cash register. When he left, the cashier looked at John Lee and nodded.

"Nice goin' there, John Lee Peacock, sugah." The voice whispered in his ear with a honeyed Southern
accent He turned and looked nose to nose into a grinning black face. "Got yoself a free dinnah and didn't
have to put out"

"What," he said, completely befuddled.
A second face, a white one, appeared over the back of the seat It said, "May we join you?" doing a
good imitation of Mr. Warren.

"Yeah, I guess so." They came around and sat opposite him, both of them as skinny as Mr. Cuttsanger.
He thought they walked a little funny.

The black one said, Tm Pearl and this is Daisy Mae."

"How ja do," Daisy Mae said, chewing imaginary gum.

"Really?" John Lee asked, grinning.

"Really, what, sugah?" Pearl asked.

"Are those really your names?"

"Isn't he cute?' shrieked Daisy Mae.

Pearl patted his hand. "Just keep your eyes and ears open and your pants shut, sugah. You'll get the hang
of it." He Ht a pale blue cigarette and offered one to John Lee. John Lee shook his head. Pearl saw John
Lee's bemused expression and wiggled the cigarette. "Neiman-Marcus," he said matter-of-f acfly.

'Well, if it isn't the Queen of Spades and Cotton Tail." They all three looked up at a chubby young man,
standing with bis hand delicately on his hip. His fleshy lips coiled into a smirk at John Lee. He wore light
eye make-up with a tiny diamond in one pierced ear. He was with a muscular young man who looked at
John Lee coldly. "You girls stage another commando raid on Romper Room?"

"Why, lawdy, Miss Scawlett, how you do talk!" Pearl did his best Butterfly McQueen imitation, and his
hands were like escaping blackbirds.
248 TOM BEAMY

"This is a cub scout meeting and we're den mothers," Daisy Mae said in a flat voice. The muscular young
man grabbed Miss Scarlett's arm and pulled him away.

'It's a den of somethingl" he shot back over his shoulder.

"Did you see how Miss Scarlett looked at our John Lee?" Daisy Mae rolled his eyes.

"The bitch is in heat."

"Who was that gorgeous butch number she was with?"

"Never laid eyes on him before."

"Your eyes aren't what you'd like to lay on him," Daisy Mae said dryly.

Pearl quickly put his hands over John Lee's ears. "Don't talk like that afore this sweet child! You know I
don't like rough trade!"

John Lee laughed and they laughed with him. He didn't know what they were talking about most of the
time, but lie decided he liked these two strange people. "Doesn't... uh... Miss Scarlett like you?"

"Sugah," Pearl said seriously, taking his hands away, "Miss Scawlett doesn't like anybody."

"Stay away from her, John Lee," Daisy Mae said, meaning it
"She has a problem," Pearl pronounced.

"A big problem," Daisy Mae agreed.

"What?* John Lee asked, imagining all sorts of things.

"She's hung like a horse." Pearl nodded sagely.

"A big horse." Daisy Mae nodded also.

John Lee could feel his ears getting red. Damnation, he thought. He laughed in embarrassment "What's
wrong with that?" He remembered Leo Whit-taker in his room at school who bragged that he had the
biggest one in Kansas and would show it to you if you would go out under the bleachers.

"Sugah," Pearl said, patting his hand again, "Miss Scawlett is a lady."
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SUE

249

"It's a wonder it doesn't turn green and fall off the way she keeps it tied down. Makes her walk
bow-legged."

"Don't be catty, Daisy Mae. Just count your bless-in's." Daisy Mae put his chin on the heel of his hand
and stared morosely at nothing, like Garbo in Anna Christie. "John Lee, sugah," Pearl continued, "was
all that malarkey you gave that score the truth?"

"Huh?" John Lee asked, completely confused.

It was," Daisy Mae said in his incredible but true voice.

"You really don't have a place to stay tonight?"

"Huh-uh." He wondered why Pearl doubted him.

"And he's also really Bf-teen," Daisy Mae said, cocking his eyes at Pearl.

"Daisy Mae, sugah," Pearl said with utmost patience, "I'm only bein' a Sistuh of Mercy, tryin' to put a
roof ovuh this sweet child's head, tryin' to keep him from bein' picked up by the po-leece f ah
vay-gran-cee."

Daisy Mae shrugged fatalistically.

"Why does it matter that I'm fifteen?" John Lee really wanted to know what they were talking about

"You are from the boonies," Daisy Mae said in wonder.

"Sugah, you come stay with us. There's a lot you've got to learn. If we leave you runnin' around loose,
you gonna get in seer-ee-us trouble. Sugah, this town is full of tighuhs and... you ... are... a,. . juicy...
lamb."

"Your fangs are showing," Daisy Mae said tone-lessly.

Pearl turned to him, about to cut him dead, but instead threw up his arms and did Butterfly McQueen
again. "Lawzy, Miss Daisy Mae, you done got a spot on yo' pretty shirt!" He turned back to John Lee
with a martyred expression. 1 wash and clean and iron and scrub and work my fanguhs to the bone, -and
this slob can get covered in spaghetti sauce eatin' jelly beans!"

250
TOM BEAMY

John Lee dissolved in a fit of giggles. Pearl couldn't hold his outraged expression any longer and began to
grin. Daisy Mae chuckled and said, "Don't pay any attention to her, John Lee. She's got an Aunt
Jemimah complex."

Pearl got up. "Let's get out of this meat market There are too many eyes on our little rump roast."

Daisy Mae put his hand on John Lee's. "John Lee, if we run into a cop, try to look twenty-one."

He wiped the laugh tears from his eyes. 'Til do my best." He got the pasteboard box and followed them
out of the cafe/They cut hurriedly around the comer past a large sidewalk newsstand, then jaywalked to a
parking lot Pearl and Daisy Mae acted like a couple of cat burglars, and John Lee had to hurry to keep
up.

They got into a '63 Corvair and drove west on Hollywood Boulevard until it became a residential street,
then turned right on Laurel Canyon. They wound up into the Hollywood Hills, Pearl and Daisy Mae
chattering constantly, making John Lee laugh a lot He felt very good and very lucky.

Pearl pulled into a garage sitting on the edge of the pavement with no driveway. They went up a long
flight of rickety wooden steps to a small two-bedroom house with a porch that went all the way around.
Pearl flipped on the lights. "It ain't Twelve Oaks, sugah, but we.like it."

John Lee stared goggle-eyed. He'd been in Aunt Rose's and Aunt Lilah's fancy houses lots of times, but
they ran to beige, desert rose, and old gold These colors were absolutely electric. The wild patterns
made him diz2y, and there were pictures and statues and things hanging from the ceiling,

"Golly," he said.

"Take a load off," Daisy Mae said, pointing to a big reclining chair covered in what looked like purple fur.
John Lee put the box on the floor and gingerly sat down. He leaned back and was surprised at
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SOE

251



how comfortable it was. Pearl put a record on the record player, but John Lee didn't recognize the
music. He yawned. Daisy Mae stood over the box. "What's in this carton you keep clutching to your
bosom?"

"My things."

"Pardon my nose," Daisy Mae said and opened it. He pulled out some of John Lee's everyday clothes.
"You auditioning for the sixteenth road company of Tobacco RoadP'

"Don't pay any attention," Pearl said, sitting beside John Lee. "She's a costumer at Paramount Thinks she
knows every-Qung about clothes."

"Don't knock it. I had to dress thirty bitchy starlets to buy that chair you got your black ass on. I'll hang
these up for you, John Lee."
John Lee yawned again. "Thank you."

Pearl threw up his hands. "Land o' Goshen, this

Daisy Mae carried the box into a bedroom. "Two days on a Continental Trailways bus would give
Captain Marvel the drearies."

Pearl took John Lee's arm and pulled him out of the chair. "Come on, sugah. We gotta give you a nice
bath and put you to bed, afore you co-lapse." He led him to the bathroom, showed him where everything
was, and turned on the shower for him. "Give a holler if you need anything."

"Thank you." Pearl left John Lee had never taken a shower before, although he had seen them at Aunt
Rose's and Aunt Lilah's. He took off his clothes and got in.

The door opened and Pearl came in, pushing back tiie shower curtain. "You all right, sugah? Oh, sugah,
you are all right!" He leered at John Lee, but in such a way that made him laugh. His ears turned red
anyway. Pearl winked and closed the curtain. "You don't mind if I brush my teeth?"

"No. Go ahead." He could hear Pearl sloshing and brushing. After a bit there was silence. He pulled
TOM BEAMY

back the shower curtain a little and peeped out. Pearl was leaning against the wash basin, a toothbrush in
his hand, his head down, and his eyes closed. John Lee watched him, wondering if he should say
anything.

"John Lee," Pearl said without looking up, his voice serious and the accent totally absent

"Yes, Pearl?' He spoke quietly and cautiously.

"John Lee, don't pay any attention when we tease you about how cute you are, or when we ogle your
body. Ifs just the way we are. It's just the way the lousy world is."

"I won't, Pearl." He felt the hurting in the back of his throat, but he didn't know why.

Pearl suddenly stood up, the big! grin back on his face. "Well. Look at me. Poor Pitiful Pearl. Now.
What do you sleep in? Underwear? Pee-jays? Nightshirt? Your little bare skin?"

"My pajamas are in the box, I think."

"Good enough." Pearl left the bathroom and returned when John Lee was drying on a big plush towel
printed like the American flag. Pearl reached in and hung the pajamas on the doorknob without looking
in. There you go, sugah."

"Thank you, Pearl."

He left the bathroom in his pajamas with his Sunday suit over his arm. Daisy Mae took the suit 'Til clean
and press that for you."

"You don't have to, Daisy Mae." The names were beginning to sound normal to him.

Daisy Mae grinned. "It won't hurt me."

Thank you."

Pearl took his arm. Time for you to go to bed." He led John Lee into the bedroom. There was an old,
polished brass bed. John Lee stared at it, then ran his hand over the turned-back sheets. Even Aunt Rose
hadn't thought about red silk sheets. He never imagined such luxury.

"Golly," he said.
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SUE

253

Pearl laughed and grabbed him in a big hug and kissed him on the forehead, "Sugah, you are just not to
be be-lievedl" John Lee grinned uncomfortably and turned red. Pearl pulled the sheet up around his
neck and patted his cheek. "Sleep tight"

"Good night, Pearl"

Daisy Mae stuck his head in to say good night. Pearl turned at the door and smiled fondly at him, then
went out, closing it John Lee wiggled around on the silk sheets. Golly, he thought, golly, golly, golly!

Pearl walked dreamily into the living room and collapsed becomingly onto the big purple fur chair. He
sighed hugely. "Daisy Mae. Now I know what it must feel like to be a mother."

The next morning John Lee woke slowly and stretched until his muscles popped. He looked at the
ceiling, but there was no faded water-stained paper, only neat white tiles with an embossed flower in the
center of each. He slid to the side of the bed and felt the silk sheets flow like water across his skin. He
went to the bathroom and relieved himself, splashing cold water on his face and combing the tangles out
of his hair. He sure needed a haircut. He wondered if he ought to let it grow long now that he was in
Hollywood.

Hollywood.

He'd almost forgotten. He bet Miss Mahan was worried about him. He sure liked Miss Mahan and a
pang of guilt struck him. He should have told her he wouldn't be back in school this fall, especially after
she was nice enough to come to mamma's funeral and all. Well, there was nothing he could do now. Mr.
Cuttsanger would tell her—and everybody else —where he was.

He went back to his room and put on his best pair of blue jeans, a white T-shirt and his gray sneakers.
He wondered where everyone was. The house was very quiet He guessed they had both gone to work.
He

254
TOM BEAMY

went out on the back porch—only Pearl called it a deck—and saw Daisy Mae lying there on a blanket
stark naked. He started to go back in, but Daisy Mae looked up. "Good morning, slugabed, you sleep
well?"

John Lee fidgeted, trying not to look at Daisy Mae. "Yeah. Real good. Where's Pearl?"

"She's at work. Does windows for May Company."

"Didn't you have to work today at Paramount?"

"Got a few days off. Just finished something called Wives and Lovers. Gonna be a dog. You want some
breakfast, or you wanta join me?"
"Uh .,. what"re you doin'?" He sure didn't seem to care if anybody saw him naked.

"Gettin' some sun, tryin' to get rid of this fish-belly white."

"You always do it with ... uh.... no clothes on?" You're acting like a hick again, John Lee Peacock
Damnation, he thought

Daisy Mae chuckled. "Sure. Otherwise, I'd look like a two-tone Ford. If it embarrasses you, 111 put
some clothes on."

"No," he protested quickly. "No, of course it doesn't embarrass me. I think I will join you."

"Okay." He pointed back over his head without looking. "There's another blanket there on the chaise."

John Lee spread the blanket on the porch and pulled his T-shirt over his head. He pulled off his shoes
and socks. Daisy Mae wasn't paying any attention to him. He looked around. The next house up the hill
overlooked them, but that was the only one. He didn't see anybody up there. He took a deep breath,
slipped off his pants and his shorts, and quickly lay down on his stomach. He might as well get some sun
on his back first.

Daisy Mae spoke without looking at him. "Don't stay in one position more than five minutes, or you'll
blister."

"Okay." He estimated five minutes had passed, swallowed, and turned over on his back. He looked
SAN DIEGO tIGHTFOOT SUE

255

straight into the eyes of a woman leaning on the railing of the next house up, watching him. He froze. The
bottom dropped out of his stomach. Then he jumped up and grabbed his pants. He knew he was acting
like an idiot, but he couldn't stop himself. He hopped on one foot, trying to get the pants on, but his toes
kept getting in the way. They caught on the crotch and he fell flat on his butt He managed to wiggle into
them, sitting on the floor.

Daisy Mae looked up. "You sit on a bee or something?"

"No." He motioned with his head at the woman, afraid to look at her because he knew he was beet red
all over.

Daisy Mae looked up, grinned, and waved. "Hi, Sue." He didn't do anything to cover himself, didn't seem
to care that she saw him.

"Hello, Daisy Mae." Her voice was husky and amused. "Who's your bashful friend?"

"John Lee Peacock from Kansas. This is Sue. San Diego Lightfoot Sue."

Damnation, John Lee thought, Tm acting like a fool, sitting here hunkered up against this shez, as Daisy
Mae calls it. Doesn't anyone in Hollywood have a normal name? He forced himself to look up. She was
still leaning on the railing, looking at him. Only now she was smiling. She was wearing a paint-stained
sweat shirt and blue jeans. Her hair was tied up in a scarf but auburn strands dangled out. She wasn't
wearing any make-up that he could see. She was kinda old, he thought, but really very stunning. Her
smile was nice. He felt himself smiling back

"Nothing to be bashful about, John Lee Peacock. I've seen more male privates than you could load in a
boxcar." Her voice was still amused but she wasn't putting him down.

"Maybe so," he answered, "but I haven't had any ladies see mine." His boldness made him start getting
red again.
256 TOM BEAMY

She laughed and he felt goose bumps pop out on his arms. "You could have a point there, John Lee.
How would you like to make a little money?'

"Huh?"

"It's okay," Daisy Mae said, getting up and wrapping a towel around his waist "Sue's an artist. She wants
you to pose for her."

John Lee looked back up at her. "That's right," she said. "I'm as safe as mother's milk."

"Well, okay, I guess. But you don't need to pay me for something like that." He got up and kicked his
underwear under the chaise.

"Of course 111 pay you. It's very hard work. Come on up."

"Uh... how do I get up there?"

"Go down to the street and come up my steps. Front door's open, come on in. You'll find me." She
smiled again and went out of sight

He looked at Daisy Mae. "Will it be all right with Pearl?"

"Sure. We've both posed for her. She's good. Scoot." Daisy Mae went into the house. John Lee put on
his T-shirt and shoes. He wondered if he should take off his pants and put on his underwear, but decided
against it.

He opened her front door and went in as she had told him. She was right about him finding her. The
whole house was one big room. A small kitchen was in one corner behind a folding screen. A day bed
was against one wall between two bureaus that had been painted yellow. There was a door to a closet
and another to a bathroom. There were a couple of tired but comfortable-looking easy chairs, a drafting
table with a stool pushed under it, and an easel under a skylight. Pictures were everywhere; some in
color, mostly black and white sketches; thumb-tacked all over the walls, leaning in stacks against the
bureaus, chairs, walls. A big orange cat lay
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE

257

curled in a chair. It opened one eye, gave John Lee the once over, and went back to sleep.

Sue was standing at the easel, frowning at the painting he couldn't see. She had a brush stuck behind one
ear and was holding another like a club. Tm glad you showed up, John Lee. This thing is going nowhere."
She flipped a cloth over it and leaned it against the walL

John Lee stared at the pictures. Nearly all of them were of people, most of them naked, though there
were a couple of the cat. Some of the people were women but most of them seemed to be men. He
spotted a sketch of Pearl and Daisy Mae, leaning against each other naked, looking like a butterfly with
one black and one white wing.
She watched him look for a while. "This is just the garbage. I sell the good stuff. That one of Pearl and
Daisy Mae turned out rather well. It's hanging in a gay bar in the Valley. Got eleven hundred for it"

"Golly."

"You're right It was a swindle."

"Do you ... ah... want me to.... do you want to paint my picture with my ... clothes off?" He waved his
hand vaguely at some of the nude sketches. Damn his ears!

She didn't seem to notice. Tf you don't mind. Don't worry about it. It'll be a few days yet. Give you a
chance to get used to the idea. I want to make some sketches and work on your face for a while." She
came to him and put her hand on his cheek. "You've got something in your face, John Lee. I don't know .
. . what it is. More than simple innocence. I just hope I can capture it. Hold still, I want to feel your
bones." He grinned and it made her smile. "Makes you feel like a horse up for sale, doesn't it?" She ran
her cool fingers over his face, and he didn't want her to ever stop. He closed his eyes.

Suddenly, she caught her fingers in his hair and
258 TOM BEAMY


shook him. She laughed and hugged him against her warm soft breasts. His stomach did a flip-flop. She
released him quickly and crossed her arms with her hands under her armpits. She laughed a little
nervously. "You're just like PurJdn. Scratch his ears and he'll go to sleep on you."

"Punkin?"

She pointed at the cat. "Don't you think he looks remarkably like a pumpkin when he's curled up asleep
like that?"

"Yeah." He laughed.

"Do you want to start now?"

"I guess."

"Okay. Just sit in that chair and relax." She pulled the stool from beneath the drafting table and put it in
front of the chair. She sat on the stool with her legs crossed, a sketch pad propped on one knee. She lit a
cigarette and held it in her left hand while she worked rapidly with a stick of charcoal. "You can talk if
you want to. Tell me about yourself."

So he did. He told her about Miller's Corners, Hawley, the farm, school, Miss Mahan who also painted
but only flowers, Mr. Cuttsanger, his mother, a lot about his mother, not much about his father because
he didn't really know very much when you got right down to it. He made her chuckle about Aunt Rose
and Aunt Lilah. She kept turning the pages of the sketch pad and starting over. He wanted to see what
she was drawing, but he was afraid to move.

She seemed to read his mind. "You don't have to sit so still, John Lee. Move when you want to." He
changed positions but he still couldn't see. Punkin suddenly leaped in his lap, making him jump. The cat
walked up his chest and looked into his eyes. Then he began to purr and curled up with his head under
John Lee's chin.

Sue chuckled. "You are a charmer, John Lee. He treats most people with majestic indifference." John
Lee grinned and stroked the cat. Punkin
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE

259

squirmed in delicious ecstasy. Then John Lee's stomach rumbled.

Sue put the pad down and laughed. "You poor lamb. I'm starving you to death." She looked at her
watch. "Good grief, it's two thirty. What do you want to eat?"

"Anything."

"Anything it is."

He stood with Punkin curled in his arms, watching her do wonderful things with eggs, ham, green
peppers, onions, and buttered toast. He said he loved scrambled eggs; and she laughed and said
scrambled eggs indeed, you taste my omelets and you'll be my slave forever. She pulled down a table
that folded against the wall, set out the two steaming plates with two glasses of cold milk. He was quite
willing to be her slave forever, even without the omelet.

Punkin sat on the floor with his tail curled around his feet, watching them, making short, soft clarinet
sounds. She laughed. "Isn't that pitiful? The cat food's under the sink if you'd like to feed him."

"Sure." He tried to pour the cat food into the bowl, but Punkin kept grabbing the box with bis claws and
sticking his head in it John Lee sat on the floor having a fit of giggles. God o' mighty, he thought,
everything is so wonderfully, marvelously, absolutely perfectly good.

She continued sketching after they did the dishes. He sat in the chair feeling luxuriously content He
smiled.

"May I share it?" Sue asked, almost smiling herself.

"Huh? Oh, nothin'. I was just . . . feeling good." Then he felt embarrassed. "You ... ah ... been painting
pictures very long?"

"Oh, I've dabbled at it quite a while, but I've only been doing it seriously for a couple of years." She
smiled in a funny, wry way. 'Tin just an aging roundheels who decided she'd better find another line of
work while she could."
260

TOM BEAMY



He didn't Mow what she was talking about "You're not old."

"I stood on the shore and chunked rocks at the Mayflower." She sighed. Tm forty-five."

"Golly. I thought you were about thirty."

She laughed her throaty laugh that made him tuF gle. "Honey, at your age everyone between twenty-five
and fifty looks alike."

"I think you're beautiful," he said and wished he hadn't, but she smiled and he was glad he had.

"Thank you, little lamb. You should have seen me when I was your age." She stopped drawing and sat
with her head to one side, remembering. "You should have seen me when I was fifteen." Then she shifted
her position on the stool and laughed. "I was quite a dish—if I do say so myself. We were practically
neighbors, you know that?" she said, changing the subject Tm an old Okie from way back. Still can't
bear to watch The Grapes of Wrath. We came to California in '33 and settled in San Diego. Practically
starved to death. My father died in '35, and my mother went back to telling fortunes and having
seances—among other things. My father wouldn't let her do it while he was alive."

"Golly," he said, bug-eyed. "A real fortune teller?"

"Well," she said wryly, "I never thought of it as being very real, but I don't know any more." She looked
at him speculatively for a moment, then shrugged. "Whether she was real or not, I don't know but I guess
she was pretty good, 'cause there seemed to be plenty of money after that. Then the war started. And if
you're twenty-three, in San Diego, during a war, you can make lots of money if you keep your wits about
you." She shifted again on the stool. "Well, we won't go into that"

"Where's your mother now?"

"Oh, she's dead ... I imagine. It was in '45,1 think. Yeah, right after V-J Day, I went over for a visit and
she wasn't there. Never heard from her again. You
SAN DIEGO IJGHTFOOT SUE
26l

know, her house is still there in San Diego. I get a tax bill every year. I don't know why I keep paving it.
Guess Td rather do that than go through all that junk she had accumulated. I was down there a few years
ago and went by the place. Everything was still there just as it was; two feet deep in dust, of course. I'm
surprised vandals haven't stripped the place, considering what the neighborhood's become. I took a few
things as keepsakes, but I didn't hang around long. It's worse than it was when she was there."

She worked a while in silence, then stopped drawing again and looked at him in a way that made his
stomach feel funny. "If I were twenty and you were twenty .. . you're gonna be a ring-tailed boomer
when you're twenty, John Lee." She suddenly laughed and began drawing. "If I'm gonna make people
older and younger, I might as well make myself fifteen—no point in wasting five years."

He didn't know what a ring-tailed boomer was, but the way she said it made his ears turn red. Her
mentioning San Diego reminded him. "Why do they call you San Diego Lightfoot Sue?"

"Daisy Mae has a big mouth," she said wryly. "Til tell you about it someday."

"1 sure like Pearl and Daisy Mae," he said and smiled.

"So do I."

"Pearl is awfully nice to me."

"Some people have a cat and some people have a dog."

He sure wished he knew what people were talking about, at least some of the time.

It seemed to him hardly any time had passed when Pearl sashayed in with a May Co. carton under his
arm. "It is I, Lady Bountiful, come to free the slaves," he brayed and presented the box to John Lee with
a flourish. 'It's a Welcome to California present."

"Golly." He took the box gingerly.
262

TOM EEAMY

"Well, open if John Lee fumbled at the string while Pearl planted a kiss on Sue's cheek. "Sugah, you look
more like Lauren Bacall every day!"

Sue grinned. "Hello, Pearl. How are you?"

He sighed an elaborate sigh. "I am worn to a frazzle. I've been slaving over a tacky May Company
window all day. If they would only let me be cre-a-tive!"

"Wilshire Boulevard would never survive it."

John Lee stared at the contents of the box. "How did you know what size I wore?"

"Daisy Mae has tape measures in her eyeballs." He made fluttering motions with his hands. "Well, try
them on"

John Lee grinned and hurried to the bathroom with the box. He put it on the side of the tub and went
through it There were pants, a shirt, socks, shoes, and, he was glad to see, underwear. But he had never
seen gold underwear and it looked kinda skimpy. He quickly shucked off his clothes and slipped on the
gold shorts. Golly, he thought. They fit like his hide, and he kept wanting to pull them up, but that's all
there was to them.

The shirt was yellow and soft. He rubbed it on his face, then slipped it over his head. It fit tight around his
waist, and the neck was open halfway to his navel. He looked for buttons but there weren't any. The
sleeves were long and floppy and had little pearl snaps on the cuffs.

He slipped on the pants, which had alternating dark-brown and light-brown vertical stripes. He was
surprised to find that they didn't come any higher than the shorts. He gave them an experimental tug and
decided they wouldn't fall off. They were tight almost to the knees and got loose and floppy at the
bottom.

He sat on the commode to put on the shoes but stood again to hitch the pants up in back. He slipped on
the soft, fuzzy gold socks. The shoes were brown
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE 263

and incredibly shiny. And they didn't even have shoestrings. He stood up, gave the pants a hitch, and
looked at himself in the mirror. He couldn't make himself stop grinning.

He opened the bathroom door and walked out, still grinning. Pearl made his eyes go big and round, and
Sue leaned against one of the yellow bureaus with her mouth puckered up. John Lee walked nervously to
them, the shoes making a thump at every step. "The pants are a little bit too tight," he said and didn't
know what to do with his hands.

"Oh, sugah, you are wrong about that!"

"If he had his hair slicked down with pomade, he'd look like an adagio dancer ... or something," Sue said
in a flat voice.

Pearl lowered his eyebrows at her, then twirled his finger at John Lee. "Turn around."

He turned nervously, worried because Sue didn't seemed pleased.
"John Lee, sugah," Pearl said in awe, "you have got the Power/"

"Pearl. Don't you think you went a little overboard?" Sue put her hand on the back of John Lee's neck.
"K he walked down Hollywood Boulevard in that, he'd have to carry a machine gun."

"Well!" Pearl swelled lip in mock outrage. "At least they're not lavender!"

Sue laughed. John Lee laughed too, but he wasn't exactly sure why. They were saying things he didn't
understand again. But he felt an overwhelming fondness for Pearl at that moment. He reached out and
shook Pearl's hand. "Thank you, Pearl. I think the clothes are beautiful." Then, because he felt Pearl
would be pleased, he kissed him on the cheek.

The effect was startling. Pearl's face seemed to turn to putty and went through seven distinct expression
changes. His mouth worked like a goldfish and he kept blinking his eyes. Then he pulled himself together
and said too loudly, "Listen, you alL
264 TOM BEAMY

Dinner will be ready in exactly seventy-two minutes. We're having my world-famous sowbelly and chittiin
lasagna." He hurried out, walking too fast.

John Lee was up very early the next morning. Sue opened the door still in her bathrobe. "I didn't know
what time you wanted me to come over," he said apologetically. "Did I wake you up?"

Sue smiled and motioned him in. "Ordinarily, I'm not coordinated enough to tie my shoes before noon,
but I woke up about two hours ago ready to go to work. I didn't even take time to dress." She indicated
one wall of the room. "Check out the gallery while I put the wreck together."

All the old sketches had been cleared from the wall. John Lee saw himself thumbtacked in neat rows.
"Golly," he said, walking slowly down the rows. The sketches were all of his face: some sheets were
covered with eyes, laughing, sleepy, dreamy, contemplative; others with mouths, smiling, grinning,
pouting, pensive. There were noses and ears and combinations. He recognized some of the fuE-f ace
sketches: this one was when he was talking about his mother; that one when he was petting Punkin; that
one when he was telling of Aunt Rose and Aunt Lilah; another when he sat in rapt attention, listening to
Sue.

She emerged from the bathroom dressed much as she had been the day before except that she wore a
little make-up and her hair fell through the scarf, hanging long and fluffy down her back. John Lee thought
she was absolutely gorgeous. "What do you think," she asked tentatively, not quite smiling.

He couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't obvious to the eye, and so he just grinned in extreme
pleasure.

She smiled happily. "I think Fve caught you, John Lee. I really feel good about it You're just what I've
been needing."
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SOB

"Whafre you gonna draw today?"

She indicated a large canvas in position on the easel. 'Tm ready to start, if you are."

Oh, Lord, he thought, just don't turn red. "Yeah. I guess so."

"You can keep your pants on for a while, if it'll make you more comfortable. Ill work on your head and
torso." She was businesslike, not seeming to notice his nervousness. It made him feel a little better.

He took a deep breath. "No ... I might as well get it over with." She nodded and began puttering around
with paints and turpentine, not looking at him, without seeming to be deliberately not looking at him. He
pulled the T-shirt over his head and wondered what to do with it Quit stalling, he admonished, and
slipped off his sneakers and socks. He looked at her but she was still ignoring him. He quickly pulled off
his pants and shorts. He stood there feeling as if there were a cyclone in his stomach. *WeU,"lie said,
«Tm ready."

She turned and looked at him as if she had seen liim naked every day of his Me. "You have absolutely
nothing to be embarrassed about John Lee."

"Well," he said, Veil.,.*

"What's thematterP

"I don't know what to do with my Tiandsr Then hd Couldn't keep from laughing and she laughed with
him. "What do you want me to do?"

"Let's see ..." She moved one of the chairs under the light "Lean against the chair. I want you re= laxed..
.**

"Til try," he chuckled.

She smiled. 1 want you relaxed and completely innocent of your nudity. Sort of the September Mom
effect"

"You're asking a lot" He leaned against the chair, trying to look innocent

She gave a throaty laugh and shook her head. ''You

266
TOM BEAMY

look more like a chicken thief. Don't try tod hard Just relax and be comfortable, like you were
yesterday."

"I had my clothes on yesterday."

"I know. You'll do okay as soon as you get used to it"

"I still don't know what to do with my hands."

"Don't do anything with them. Just forget 'em; let them find their own position. I know it's not easy. Just
forget I'm here. Pretend you're in the woods completely alone. You've just been swimming in a little lake,
and now you're relaxing in the sun, leaning against a warm rock. Try to picture it"

"Okay, 111 try."

"You're not thinking about anything, fust resting, feeling the sun on your body." She watched him. A
pucker of concentration appeared over his nose. He shifted his hips slightly to get more comfortable, and
his fidgety hands finally came to rest at his sides. His diaphragm moved slowly as his breathing became
softer. The frown gradually disappeared from his face, and the quality she couldn't put a name to took its
place. God, she thought, it brought back memories she had thought were put away forever. She felt like a
giddy young girL

"That's it, John Lee," she said very soffly, trying not to disturb him. She picked up a stick of charcoal and
began, to work rapidly. A pleased smile flickered across his lips and then disappeared. "Beautiful, John
Lee, beautiful. Don't close your eyes; watch the sun reflecting on the water."

She got the basic form the way she wanted it in charcoal, then began squeezing paint from tubes onto a
palette. She applied the base colors quickly, almost offhandedly. After about fifteen minutes she said,
"When you get tired, let me know and we'll take a break."

"No. I'm fine."

After another half hour she saw his thumb twitch.
- SAN DIEGO MGHTFOOT SHE 267


"If you're not tired," she said, putting the palette down, "I am. Would you like some coffee?"

"Yeah," he said without moving. "Are you sure I can get back in the same position again?"

"I'm sure." She tossed him her bathrobe and he put it on. "Do a few knee bends and get the kinks out."
She poured two cups of coffee from the electric percolator. "I told you it was hard work."

He grinned and stretched his arms forward, rolling the muscles in his shoulders. 'Tm not tired."

She handed him a cup. "You've been warned." She opened the back door when she heard a plaintive cry
from outside. Punkin strolled in and looked up at her, demanding attention. She picked him up and he
started purring loudly.

John Lee found it easy to keep the same position the rest of the morning. Sue had made him as
comfortable as she could because of his inexperience. She worked steadily with concentration. He
missed the easy chatter of the day before, but he didn't want to disturb her. They took periodic breaks,
though she sometimes became so engrossed she forgot Then she would admonish him gently for not
reminding her. When they broke for lunch, she made him do knee bends and push-ups and then
massaged his back and shoulders with green rubbing alcohol.

Daisy Mae strolled in with a foil-covered Pyrex dish. "You didn't do that when Pearl and I posed for
you," he said with feigned hufliness and slipped the dish into the oven.

"Hello, Daisy Mae," John Lee grinned, putting on the robe. "Look at the sketches."

"Hello, John Lee. I knew Sue would get so absorbed she'd forget to feed you. So I brought the leftover
lasagna." He looked over the sketches, critically, with his fingers theatrically stroking his chin. "I think the
girl shows some promise, though I see years of study ahead."

268
TOM HEAMY

Sue kissed him on the cheek and began setting the table for three. Daisy Mae sprawled in a chair like a
wilting lily. "God!" he grunted. "I got a call .from Paramount this morning. I start back to work Thursday.
We're doing a west-em. On lo-co-tion. My God. In Arizona! Centipedes! Tarantulas! Scorpions!
Rattlesnakes! Sweaty starlets! If I'm not back in five weeks, send the Ma-rines/"

Sue laughed. "You can console yourself with thoughts of all those butch cowboys."
"Darling," he said, arching his wrist at her, "some of those cowboys are about as butch as Pamela Tiffin. I
could tell you stories..."

"Don't bother. I've heard most of them."

"I haven't," John Lee piped in brightly.

Sue started to say something, but Daisy Mae beat her to it. "Someday, John Lee. You're much too young
to lose dtt your illusions."

When they had eaten, Sue thanked him for bringing the lasagna and shooed him out. He started to peek
under the cloth covering the painting, but she slapped his hand. "You know better than that"

"Can John Lee bunk over here tomorrow night? Tm giving myself a going-away party before I'm exiled
to the burning deserts, and ifs liable to last all night"

She stood very still for a moment. Then she nodded with a jerk of her head. "Of course." Daisy Mae
waltzed out with his Pyrex dish. Sue looked after him for a moment, then at John Lee sitting bewildered
on the day bed. She gave him a quick nervous smile. "You ready?'

He took off the bathrobe, hardly feeling embarrassed at all, and took bis place, bringing back the woods,
the lake, and the warm rock, but needing them only for a moment to get started.

At four-thirty she covered the painting and began washing the brushes. She had said hardly anything at all
since Daisy Mae left, giving him only an occasional
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SUE 269

soft-voiced direction. He put his clothes on and went to her. "Is it turning out the way you'd hoped?"

Her eyes met his. He saw sadness in them and something that had gotten lost. "Yes," she said almost
inaudibly. Then she smiled. "You're a joy to paint, John Lee. Now, run along before Pearl comes
traipsing in. I'd rather not have company this evening. Be over bright and early, and I think well finish it
tomorrow."

Punkin stopped him on the steps, wanting to be petted. He picked up the cat and glanced back to see
Sue watching him through the window. She turned away quickly.

The painting was completed at three P.M. the next afternoon. Sue stood back from it and looked at John
Lee, smiling. He went to her hesitantly, almost fearfully, still naked, and looked at it. "Golly," he breathed.
When she painted a nude, she really painted everything. He felt the heat starting at his ears and flowing
downward. He was almost used to being naked in front of her, but it was an astonishing shock to see
himself being naked.

She laughed fondly. "John Lee, you're a regular traffic light"

"No, Tm not," he muttered and got even redder.

Suddenly, her arms were around him, hugging him tightly to her. He felt electricity bouncing in the bottom
of his stomach. He threw his arms around her and wanted to be enveloped by her. "John Lee, my little
lamb," she whispered in his ear, bending her head because she was an inch taller, "do you like it?"

*Yes!" he breathed, with that peculiar pain in the back of his throat again. "Oh, yes."

He shifted his head slightly so he could see. The painting was done in pale sun-washed colors. He leaned
against a suggestion of something white which might have been a large rock. It was everything she had
said she wanted, and more. He seemed totally innocent of clothing, so completely comfortable was

270
TOM BEAMY

he in his nudity. His body was relaxed, but there was no lethargy in it. There was something slightly
supernatural about the John Lee in the painting, as if perhaps he were a fawn or a wood sprite, definitely
an impression of a forest creature. The various shades of pale green in the background implied a forest,
and there was a dappling of leaf shadows on his shoulder and chest—but only a suggestion. However,
these were unimportant. The figure dominated the painting, executed in fine detail, like a Raphael. The
face was innocent^ totally uncorrupted by worldly knowledge. But there was a quality in it even purer
than simple innocence. The eyes were lost in a reverie.

"Do I look like that?" he asked, slightly overwhelmed.

"Well..." she said with a husky chuckle, "yes, vou do. Although I will have to admit I idealized you
somewhat."

"Is it okay if I bring Pearl and Daisy Mae over to see it?" he asked with growing excitement. "Pearl was
supposed to come home at noon today to help with the party. Only she ... I mean he, calls it a Druid
ritual."

She laughed and released him. "All right."

He raced happily to the door, then skidded to a halt. He hurried back, grinning sheepishly, and picked up
his pants. He put them on, hopping on one foot, then out the door, clattering down the steps. She looked
at the empty doorway for a moment, then rubbed at her eyes but was unable to stop the tears.

"Hell!" she said out loud. "Oh, hell!"

John Lee came over from the party about ten o'clock dressed in his new clothes and carrying a Lufthansa
flight bag Pearl had packed for him. He flopped into one of the chairs, grinning. Sue was in the other,
reading. She looked at- him speculatively. Punkin leaped lightly from her lap and stretched mightily,
SAN DIEGO UGHTFOOT SDE

271

his rear end high in the air, his chin against the floor, and his toes splayed. Then he hopped into John
Lee's lap. Stroking the cat and still grinning, he met her eyes. They both burst into a fit of giggles.

"John Lee, you have no staying power," she choked out between gasps of laughter.

He got himself under control, gulping air. Td much rather be over here with you."

"I hope Pearl gave you a whip and a chair to go with those clothes."

"No, but he warned me to stay out of corners and, above all, bedrooms."

There was a light tap on the door. Tve been expecting this," she muttered. "Come on in!"

The door opened and a pale, slim, good-looking young man wafted in like the queen of Rumania
inspecting the hog pens. "Hello," he sighed, not quite holding out his hand to be kissed. "Pearl was telling
us about the painting you did of John Lee. May I see it?" He looked at John Lee and smiled anemically.
"Of course." Sue got up and turned the light on over the easel A shriek of laughter drifted over from next
door. The young man strolled to the painting and stood motionless for a full two minutes staring at it

Then he sighed. "Pearl is so hicky. My last one ran off with my stereo, my Polaroid, and knocked out
three fillings."

"That's ... ah ... too bad," she said, valiantly not smiling.

"Yes," he said and sighed again. Td like to buy it"

"It's not for sale."

Til give you a thousand."

She shook her head.

"Two thousand."

"Sorry."

He sighed again as if he expected nothing from life but an endless series of defeats. "Oh, welL Thank you
for letting me see it"
TOM BEAMY

"You're extremely welcome."

He drifted to the door like a wisp of fog, turned, gave John Lee a wan smile, and departed. They both
stared at the closed door.

"I feel as if I just played the last act of La Traoiata? Sue said in a stunned voice.

"If I remember correctly," John Lee said, "that was Cow-Cow."

She lifted the painting from the easeL "There's only one thing to do if we don't want a parade through
here all night. Be back shortly." She left, taking the painting with her.

When she returned half an hour later, he was dozing. The showing was an unqualified success. I was
offered se-ven thpu-sand dol-lars for it You never saw so many erotic fantasies hanging out It was like
waving a haunch of beef at a bunch of half-starved tigers." She put the painting back on the easel and
stood looking at it "It is good, though, isn't it, John Lee?" She sounded only partially convinced. "It really
is good." She looked at him, sprawled in the chair, half asleep, smiling happily at her. "Well," she laughed,
"neither the artist nor the model are qualified judges. And that crowd at Pearl's could only see a beautiful
child with his privates exposed." .

She sat on the arm of the chair, putting her hand on the side of his face. He closed his eyes and moved
his face against her hand the way Punfcui would do. "You're such a child, John Lee," she said softly,
feeling her eyes getting damp. "Your body may fool people for a while, but up here," she caught her
fingers in his hair, "up here, you're an innocent, trusting, guileless child. And I think you may break my
heart." She closed her eyes, trying to hold back the tears, afraid she was making a fool of herself.

He looked up at her, feeling things he had never felt before, wanting things he had never wanted before.
Perhaps if he hadn't been floating in the dreamlike area between wakefulness and sleep, his natural
SAN DIEGO IJGHTFOOT SUE
273

shyness might have prevented him. He slipped his arms slowly around her neck and pulled her gently to
him. He felt her tense as if about to pull away, then her lips were like butterfly wings against his. She lay
across him with her face buried in his neck. He stroked her hair and brushed his lips against her cheek.

"Is this'what you want, John Lee?" she asked, her voice unsteady. "Is this what you really want?'

"Yes," he answered. "You're all I want."

"You're sure you're not just feeling sorry for an old lady?" she said shakily, trying to sound as if she were
making a joke, but not succeeding completely.

He held her tighter. "I love you, San Diego Light-foot Sue."

She stood up* wiping at her eyes with trembling fingers. "Daisy Mae and his big mouth," she said, half
laughing and half crying. John Lee stood up also, giving the striped pants a hitch in the back. "Oh, John
Lee," she said, hugging him to her, "take off those awful clothes."

He stood on tiptoe to kiss her because his mouth came only to her chin. He removed the clothes, feeling
no embarrassment at all. She turned out the light and locked the door before undressing, feeling
embarrassment herself for the first time in nearly thirty years. She turned back the cover on the day bed,
and they lay in the warm night, listening to the shrieks of strained laughter from Pearl's, feeling,' exploring,
each trying to touch every part of the other's body with every part of his own. Then, she showed him
what to do and kissed him when he was clumsy.

They lay together, drowsily. Flamenco music drifted over from the party next door. Sue had her arms
around John Lee, her breasts pressed against his back, her face against his neck. "John Lee?"

"Mmmm?"

"John Lee, when you're twenty . . . have you thought, 111 be fifty?"

274
TOM BEAM?

"I love you, Sue. It doesn't matter to me*

She was silent for a moment. "Perhaps it doesn't how. You're too young to know the difference, and I
still have a few vestiges of my looks left. But in a few years you'll want a girl your own age, and in a few
years 111 be an old woman." He started to protest, but she put her fingers on his lips, brushing them with
feathery touches. "Your lips are like velvet John Lee," she whispered. He opened his mouth slightly and
touched her fingers with bis tongue. Then she clamped her arms around him and began weeping on bis
shoulder. "My God, John Lee! I don't want to be like your favorite aunt or even your mother! I don't
want to see you married to some empty-headed girl, some pretty young girl, having your babies like a
brood sow, living in a tract house in Orange County. I want to be the one to have your babies, but I'm
too old..."

He twisted in her arms to face her and stopped her words with his mouth. The second time, she showed
him how to make it last longer, how to make it better, and he was very adept. He fell asleep in her arms
where she held him like a teddy bear, but she ky awake for many hours, making a decision.

The next morning, he moved his things from Pearfs to Sue's.
When he had gone, Pearl began to sob, large tears rolling down his face. His hands clutched at each
other like graceful black spiders* Daisy Mae put down the glass of tomato juice with the raw egg and
Tabasco he had made for his hangover and took Pearl in his arms.

"Oh, Pearl, you knew it would happen. Just like it always happens," he soothed.

"But John Lee was different from the others," he forced out between heaving sobs.

"Yes, he was. But he's just next-door. He's still our friend. We can see him anytime."

"But it's not the same. Sue will be taking care of
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE

275

him, not me! Oh, Daisy Mae," he wailed, "if this is what it's like to lose a child, I don't want to be a
mother any more!"

Sue began a new painting that morning. '1 want you like you were last night," she told John Lee, "sitting
all asprawl in the chair, half asleep, with PunMn in your lap, but not in those same clothes." They went
through his meager wardrobe. She selected a pair of khaki-colored jeans and gave him one of her
short-sleeve sweat shirts. She showed him how to sit. "Leave your shoes off. I have a foot fetish." She
ran her fingernails quickly across the bottom of his foot His leg jerked and he grabbed her, giggling, and
pulling her in his lap. She submitted happily to his kisses for a moment, then pulled away.

"Okay," she laughed, "calm yourself. We've got work to do."

"Yes, ma'am," he said primly, striking a pose and beaming at her.

Thank God, she thought, he doesn't seem to have any regrets.

"My Gawd!" Pearl shrieked, seeing the new painting for the first time. He bulged his eyes and hugged
himself. "Suel That?s the most erotic thing I've seen in my life! It's practically porno-graphic! K I look
at it any longer, I'm gonna embarrass myself." He turned away dramatically and saw John Lee grinning
and blushing.

"I embarrass myself a little with that one," Sue admitted. "Talk about erotic fantasies."

The painting was in dark brooding colors, but a light from somewhere fell across John Lee, sitting deep in
the chair, one bare foot tucked under him and the other dangling. One hand lay on his thigh and the other
negligently stroked the orange cat in his lap. His face was sleepy and sensual. His eyes looked directly at
you. They were the eyes of an innocent fawn, but they were also the eyes of a stag in rut.
276 TOM BEAMY


"You're not ... ah ... gonna show it to a bunch of people, are you?" John Lee asked tentatively.

When he woke the next morning, the bed beside him was empty. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and
unfolded the note lying on her pillow. "John Lee, my love," it read in her masculine scrawl, "I had to go to
San Diego for the day and didn't want to wake you. I'll be back tonight late. Sue."

He was asleep when she came in. She sat on the edge of the bed and moved her hand lightly across his
chest. "John Lee. Wake up, honey."
He squirmed on the bed. "Sue?* he mumbled without opening his eyes. He turned over on his stomach,
burying his head, fighting wakefulness.

She pulled back the covers and slapped him lightly on his bare bottom. "Wake up. I want to do another
painting. Get dressed."

'Tm too sleepy. Leave your number and Til call you."

"Okay, smarty," she laughed, "you've got thirty seconds before I get out the ice cubes."

"White slaver," he grinned, sitting up and kissing her.

"Where did you hear that?"

"I spent the day with Pearl and Daisy Mae."

She kissed him and stood up. "Come on, get a move on." She put a new canvas on the easel. "Why
wasn't Pearl at work? And I thought Daisy Mae had left for, my God, Arizona."

"Today is Saturday," he said and went into the bathroom.

"So it is. I sorta lose track." She began squeezing black and white paint from tubes.

John Lee washed his face and ran a comb through his hair. He came out of the bathroom and put on the
same clothes he had worn for the last painting. "These okay?" She nodded. "Shoes or foot fetish?" he
grinned.

She wrinkled her nose at him. "Shoes."

He put on his Sunday shoes rather than the sneak-
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SDE

277

ers. "Daisy Mae doesn't leave for a couple of weeks yet. They're having fittings and things. Wardrobe
gave her . . . him an 1865 lady's riding skirt with a zipper on the side. Any welder in Duluth would
know better than that. What do you want me to do?"

"Just stand there." Her voice was tense and hurried.

"Stand?" he groaned. "Don't you want to do another one of me sitting down?" He snapped his fingers.
"Do one of me asleep in bed!" She didn't laugh at his joke, and so he stood where she indicated. She
began, using only black and white. "Don't artists need the northern light, or something?" he asked
hopefully, pointing to the dark skylight

She smiled. "That's just an excuse artists have been using for the last few thousand years when they didn't
feel like working. Be patient with me, John Lee. You can sleep all day tomorrow. I have to go back to
San Diego."

"Can't I go with you?"

"No, John Lee." Her voice was so serious that he didn't say anything else.

She finished just before dawn. He was about^feo fall asleep standing, and so she undressed him and put
him to bed. He put his arms around her and kissed her, wanting her to stay a little while. "No," she said,
running her fingers through his hair, "you're too sleepy. I'll be back in a few days and we can stay in bed
for a week."

He smiled and his eyelids began to droop. "That'll be nice."

"Yes, my little lamb, very nice." She kissed him gently on the mouth. He was asleep before she got out
the door.

He woke up late Sunday afternoon and immediately looked at the painting. It wasn't as well done as the
other two, he thought. It had a hurried look. It was also in black and white. The John Lee in the



278 TOM BEAMY

painting was just standing there, his arms hanging at his sides, looking at you from beneath lowered
brows. John Lee looked at the floor where he had been standing when he posed, but nothing was there.
Yet, in the painting, there were lines on the floor. He was standing within a pentagram. And he looked
different; he looked older, at least five years older, at least twenty.

Tuesday night Pearl and Daisy Mae took him to Graumann's Chinese where he thought the movie was
great and had a wonderful time standing in the footprints, though he had never heard of most of the
people who had made them. After the movie they went to a Chinese restaurant where he ate Chinese
food for the first time. He didn't really like it, but he told Pearl he did because it made him happy. It was
nearly midnight when he got back to Laurel Canyon. Pearl wanted him to stay in his old room, but he
said he'd better not because Sue might come home during the night and he wanted to be there.

He went up the wooden steps feeling incredibly content. If Sue were only there. Punkin came down the
banister like a tightrope walker, making little soft sounds of greeting. John Lee picked him up and made
crooning noises. The cat butted his head against John Lee's chin, making him chuckle. He carried Punkin
into the house and turned on the light.

His head exploded. His legs wouldn't hold him up any longer, and he fell to his knees, dropping the cat.
There was something white beside him, but he couldn't make his eyes focus. He thought he heard a
voice, but he wasn't sure because of the wind screaming through his head. The white thing grabbed him
and pulled him to his feet. It shouted more words at him, but he couldn't understand what they were.
Something crashed into his face. The fog cleared a little. There was a man dressed in white, holding the
front of his shirt He could smell the sour whiskey
SAN DIEGO IJGHTFOOT SUE
279

on his breath. He slapped John Lee again and shoved him against the wall, but he managed to stay on his
feet.

The wind was dying in his head. He heard the man's angry words. "Jesus Christ!" he said, looking at the
picture of John Lee sitting in the chair. He took a knife from his pocket and slashed through the canvas.

"Stop it!" John Lee croaked and took an unsteady step in the man's direction.

He whirled, pointing the knife at John Lee. "Jesus Christ!" he said again, in amazement. "You're just a
little Md! She threw-me over for a little kid!" The man's face seemed to collapse as he lunged at John
Lee with the knife. John Lee grabbed his arm, but the man was far too strong. Then the man stepped on
Punkin's tail. The cat screeched and sank his claws into the man's leg. The man bawled and fell against
John Lee. They both went to the floor, the man on top, his face beside John Lee's.

"Jesus God," the man whispered in bewilderment. Then his breath crept out in an adenoidal whine and
didn't go back in again. John Lee squirmed from beneath him. The man rolled onto his back. The knife
handle stuck straight up in his chest, blood already clinging to it. John Lee tried to get to his feet but could
only make it to bis knees. He saw Pearl and Daisy Mae run in, but there was something very wrong with
them. They floated slowly through the air, running toward him but getting farther away. Their mouths
moved but only honking sounds came out. Then the floor hit him in the face.

The first thing John Lee felt was someone clutching his hand. He opened his eyes and they felt sticky.
Pearl's tense and worried face leaned over him, smiling tentatively. "Pearl?" His face hurt and his mouth
wouldn't work properly. He sounded as if he were talking with a mouth full of cotton.

"Don't try to talk, John Lee, sugah," Pearl said
280

TOM BEAMY

anxiously. "You're in the hospital. They said you had a mild concussion. I was scared to death. You've
been unconscious for ages. This is Thursday."

John Lee put his hand to his face and felt bandages on his mouth and a compress under his lip. "What
happened," he had to swallow to get the words out, "happened to my mouth?" It hurt to talk.

"You got a split lip. It's all purple and swelled up. But don't sweat it, sugah. It makes you look've-ry
sex-y."

John Lee grinned but stopped when it hurt too much. 'Is Sue back?"

"She sat with you all night. I made her go home and sleep. They put you in a tacky ward, but Sue had
you moved to tins nice private room."

"The man . . ." He tried hard to remember what happened. The man..."

"He's dead, sugah. You never saw so many police cars and ambulances and red lights. I don't know
what they're gonna do, John Lee." Pearl was distraught.

Sue came in. "Don't upset him, Pearl. Everything will be all right." She smiled brightly, and John Lee felt
everything would be. "How are you feeling, little lamb?" '

"Awfulj" he groaned and tried to laugh, but it hurt too much.

Pearl gave his arm a pat and said, "I'd better get back to work before May Company fires my little black
fanny. Bye, sugah."

"Bye, Pearl." Pearl left with a big grin. Sue sat in the chair he had vacated. She took John Lee's hand and
held it to her face.

"I'm sorry," she said as if in pain.

He wanted to bring back her bright smile. "You're looking particularly beautiful today." He had never
seen her dressed up before. She wore a silk suit in soft green, her auburn hair loose and long.

She did smile. "Thank you—and thank Playtex,
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE

Maidenform, and Miss Clairol. You look . . . pretty awful." But she said it as if she didn't mean it.

"Pearl said I looked ve-ry sex-y."

She grinned and then her face was serious. "John Lee, are you lucid enough to listen and understand what
I have to say?" He nodded. "All right. There'll be a ... hearing . . .or something in a few days, when you're
feeling better, with the juvenile authorities. You won't be in any trouble, because they know Jocko
attacked you. They know it was an accident ..."

"Who was he?" he interrupted.

She looked at him for a moment "Someone I used to know," she said softly.

"Did you love him? Was he your lover?" He didn't know if he was saying it right He wanted to know, but
he also wanted her to know that he didn't care.

"They're not exactly the same thing, but, yes, to both." She didn't look at him.

"You gave him up for me," he said in wonder, loving her so much it hurt

She looked at him then and smiled, but there was a funny look in her eyes. "I'd give up most anything for
you, John Lee."

The next couple of weeks were a blur. A bunch of people talked to him: men in blue suits and tight-faced
women in gray. He told them everything that happened, and they went away to be replaced by others,
but none of them would let him see Sue again. There was one lady he liked, who said she was a judge.
He told her that his grandfather was a judge but he died a long time ago. She asked him about everything
and he told her. She had a kind voice and made the others behave the way Miss Mahan would.

"But, Your Honor," one of the men said, "this child has killed a drunken sailor in a knife fight over a
prostitute!"

The judge laughed pleasantly. "Really, Mr. Maley,
TOM REAMY

there's no need for exaggeration. You're not addressing a jury. John was merely protecting himself when
attacked. The man's death resulted when he fell on his own knife."

"You can't deny he's been living with a known prostitute. I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't seduced
him."

"Please, Mr. Maley," the judge frowned, displeased, "don't speak that way in front of the child."

"You saw those paintingsl Disgusting!"

The judge stood up and began putting on her coat. "Artists have been painting nudes for several thousand
years, Mr. Maley. You should see the collection in the Vatican. And these are very good paintings. I
made the artist an offer for the nude myself. Come along, John. I'll take you to dinner. Good evening,
gentlemen."

Dwayne came to see him one day, but John Lee would never have recognized him. He hadn't seen him
since he went away to the army seven years before. Dwayne was twenty-nine, big and good-looking like
all the Peacock men. He shook hands with John Lee, saying little, and went away after talking to the
judge.

Aunt Rose and her husband flew out from Hawley. She touched him a lot and clucked a lot. Of course,
she'd like to take care of him, him being the youngest son of her late sister and all, but the way things
were, the economy and the cost of living and all, she just didn't see how she could.

It was a terrible thing, her sister marrying into the Peacock family, such an unfortunate family. Poor Grace
Elizabeth's husband had died the same day she was buried, the very day John Lee had left on the bus. He
had fallen off the tractor and been run over by his own plow. He had crawled almost all the way to the
house before he bled to death. Such a tragic family, the Peacocks. Her sister had lost six
SAN DIEGO LIGHTFOOT SUE 283


of her children, five of them in infancy and poor Wash, Jr.

They had tracked him down in Oklahoma because the farm was his now; or, she should say, they had
tracked down his wife; or, she should say, his ex-wife. Wash, Jr. had been killed six years ago when a
pipe fell off a rig and crushed his skull. His wife hadn't even notified the family. Then she married a
Mexican driller from Texas and was living in Tulsa, but what could you expect from one of them trashy
O'Dell girls. It was a good thing she had had none of Wash, Jr.'s children, just three stillbirths, because
she had no claim on the family at all now. Of course, she had two fat brown babies by her new husband,
but you know how Mexicans are: like rabbits.

Dwayne hadn't wanted the farm. He just told them to sell it and send him the money. Dwayne was the
logical person to take John Lee, being his closest kin. Her sister, Ldlah, was in no shape to take care of
him. If Dwayne couldn't, then she didn't know what would happen to the poor thing, him living with a
prostitute and all.

Aunt Rose and her husband flew back to Hawley.

The judge told him how sorry she was, but if one of his relatives didn't assume custody, as a minor he
would have to be declared a ward of the state. But it wouldn't be too bad. He'd have a nice place to live,
could finish school, and would have lots of other boys his own age. He asked her why he couldn't live
with Sue, but she said it was out of the question and wouldn't discuss it further.

But Dwayne did assume custody, and John Lee moved into his brother's small apartment on
Beach-wood near Melrose. "Half the money from the sale of the farm is rightfully yours," Dwayne said,
dressing for work. "You'll have to go to school this fall. The judge said so. Other than that, your time is
your own. But you're not supposed to see that woman
284 TOM BEAMY

again." He showed John Lee how to turn the couch into a bed and then left for work. He was a
bartender at a place on Highland and worked from six until it closed at two in the morning.

John Lee caught the bus at Melrose and Vine and rode to Hollywood and Highland. He took a taxi to
the house in Laurel Canyon. Sue wasn't at home and he couldn't find Punkin. The three paintings had
been framed and were hanging. She had repaired the damaged one. No other paintings were in sight.
Everything had been pushed against the walls, leaving most of the floor bare. There were blue chalk
marks on the bare boards that had been hastily and inadequately rubbed out. The room smelled oddly.

He found an envelope on the kitchen table with his name on it. He removed the folded piece of
note-paper. "John Lee, my little lamb," it read, 1 knew'you would come, although they told us we mustn't
see each other again. You must stay away for a while, John Lee. Only a little while, then it won't matter
what they say. There'll be nothing they can do. I love you. Sue."

Pearl wasn't at home either, and so he went back to Dwayne's apartment, watched television for a while,
took a bath, and went to bed on the convertible sofa. He didn't know when Dwayne came in about two
thirty.

Dwayne always slept until nearly noon. John Lee found Utde to talk to him about, and Dwayne seemed
to prefer no conversation at all. John Lee watched television a lot, went to many movies, and waited for
Sue.

He fell asleep in front of the television a few days later and was awakened by Dwayne and the man who
was with him. Dwayne frowned at him and the man smiled nervously. The man said something to
Dwayne, but he shook his head and led the man into the bedroom, closing the door. John Lee went to
bed and didn't know when the man left
SAN DIEGO IJGHTFOOT SUE 28$

The next morning he looked into the bedroom. Dwayne was sprawled on the bed, naked, still asleep. A
twenty dollar bill lay beside him, partially under his hip. John Lee closed the door and fixed breakfast

Dwayne came in while he was washing the dishes. He didn't say anything for a while, fixing a cup of
instant coffee. He sat at the table in his underwear, sipping the coffee. John Lee continued with the
dishes, not looking at him. Then he felt Dwayne's eyes on him and he turned. "I don't want you to think
I'm queer," Dwayne said flatly. "I don't do anything, just lay there. If those guys want to pay me good
money, its no skin off my nose." He turned back to his coffee.

John Lee hung up the dishtowel to dry. "I understand," he said, but he wasn't sure that he did. "It's all
right with me."

Dwayne didn't answer but went on sipping coffee as if John Lee weren't there. He made sure, from then
on, he was asleep before Dwayne came home.

Sue culled a few nights later. He had never heard her voice over the phone, but it sounded different:
brighter, less throaty, younger. "Come over, John Lee, my little lamb," she laughed gleefully. "I'm ready.
Come over for the showing."

The taxi had to stop a block away because of the police cars and fire trucks. John Lee ran terrified
through the milling crowd, but when he reached Sue's house there was nothing to see. The rickety
wooden steps went up the hill for about twenty feet and ended in midair. There was nothing beyond
them, only a rectangle of bare earth where the house had been. But nothing else, not even the concrete
foundation.

He felt a touch on his arm. He whirled to stare wide-eyes at Pearl. He couldn't speak, his throat was
frozen. His heart was pounding too hard and he couldn't breathe. Pearl took his arm and led him into the

286
TOM BEAMY

house where he had spent his first night in Hollywood.

Pearl gave him a sip of brandy which burned his throat and released the muscles. "What happened?
Where's Sue?" he asked, afraid to get an answer.
"I don't know," Pearl said without any trace of corn pone accent. He seemed on the verge of hysteria
himself. "There was a fire...."

"A fire?" he asked, uncomprehending.

"I think it was a fire. . . ." Pearl nervously dropped the brandy bottle. He picked it up, ignoring the stain
on the carpet.

"Where's Sue?"

"She... she was in the house. I heard her scream," he said rapidly, not looking at John Lee.

John Lee didn't feel anything. His body was frozen and numb. Then, he couldn't help himself. He began
to bawl like a baby. It was all slipping away. He could feel the good things escaping his fingers.

Pearl sat beside him on the purple fur chair and tried to comfort him. "She was over there all evening,
singing to herself. I could hear her, she was very happy. I went over but she wouldn't let me in. She said I
knew better than to look at an artist's work before it was finished. She said anyway it was a private
showing for you. I didn't hear her singing after that, and then, a little while ago, I heard a noise like
thunder or an explosion. I looked over, and there was a bright green light in the house, like it was burning
on the inside, but not like fire either. I heard her scream. It was an awful, terrible scream. There was
another voice, a horrible gloating voice, I couldn't understand. Then the whole house began to glow with
that same green light. It got brighter and brighter, but there was no heat from it. Then it went away and
the house wasn't there any more."

Pearl got up and handed John Lee an envelope. "I found this on the deck. She must have tossed it down
earlier." John Lee took the envelope with his name on it He recognized her handwriting, but it
SAN 0BEGO UGHTFOOT SUE 287

was more hurried and scrawled than usual. He opened it and read the short note.

He went back to school that fall and lived with Dwayne. He said his name was Johnny, because John
Lee was home and Sue. He met a lot of girls who wanted him, but they were pallid and dull after Sue. He
went with them and slept with them but was unable to feel anything for them. He never turned down any
man who propositioned him either, and there were many. He didn't care about the money, he only
needed someone to relieve the pressures that built up in him. It didn't make any difference, man or
woman. He let lonely middle-aged woman keep him, but he never found what he was looking for.

By the time he was eighteen he had grown a couple of inches and had filled out He moved from the
apartment on Beachwood and got a place of his own. He never saw Dwayne again.

The envelope with his name on it was soiled and frayed from much handling. He read it every night "John
Lee, my little lamb," it read. "I tried very hard, so very hard. I thought I had succeeded but something is
going wrong. I can feel it I wish you could have seen me when I was fifteen, John Lee. I wish you could
have seen me when I was fifteen. I'm afraid." It was unsigned.