Secret Rider
                      by Marta Randall
  "Foundering between eternity and time, we are amphibians and must
accept the fact."
Aldous Huxley, Theme and Variations

                                     I
  She had followed him across the galaxy.
  Twice
   Always arriving the barest moment too late, always just behind the jet
that left, the ship that sailed, the tauship that taued the day before,
carrying him with it. On Gardenia they told her he had gone to witness the
Rites of the Resurrected; she flew over the face of the globe, pushing the
sled to its limits above the checkerboard jungle, arriving in time to see the
thin contrails of his jets leaving the Awakening Place toward the Port.
Followed him to Asperity, to Quintesme, to Jakob's World; to New Aqaba,
where she thought she saw him entering a sky-blue mosque. But, again,
she was wrong. To Nineveh Down. To Augustine. To Poltergeist. To
Jason's Lift. Past stars as yet unnamed, booking passage on the quickest,
the fleetest, second-guessing his guessing mind.

   She had something of his, sewn under the skin of her thigh. Kept warm
and secret, although it demanded neither. Perhaps he no longer needed it,
certainly had forgotten it might have existed, but she had it and wanted to
give it to him. Besides, she loved him.
   On Murphy's Landing she shared a hotel with him, unbeknowst to
either of them. Had arrived, body-time at sleepless dawn in the bright
morning light; had registered, slept, woke at planet-noon to ask the
questions she had been too tired to ask before, discovered he had just,
barely, left. And no room on the ship for her. Didn't weep, but wanted to.
What use?
   Back home her children grew older and younger, cities failed and
flourished, she herself died many times. On Asperity at 1852 Earth Time,
on Jason's Lift at 3042 E. T ., on Soft Conception 1153 E.T .;
Constantinople toppled while she argued with border guards, New
Jerusalem rose to the stars as she slept exhausted in the arms of a
stranger on Endgame II.

                                     II
   Tau travel does not do odd things to time, nor does time do odd things
during tau travel. Were tau a linear projection, a line running without
deviation beside the other straight and infinitely curving lines of the
universe, it would be possible to see a correlation between the Y of tau and
the Z of time, to quantify a correspondence and arrive at a formula for
controlling tau-shift. But there is no correspondence, there are only places
where the Y and the Z lie close enough to touch, almost, with a little help.
On one side of the barrier a place exists, coordinates in space and time
that can be mapped, can be entered into a ship's control banks, can be
relied upon to describe the place now and always. But tau doesn't work
that way. Leave Parnell for Ararat and when you arrive Parnell may not
have been discovered, might have centuried to dust in the wake of your
passing. Ararat, clear in the telescopes of Parnell, might be still a formless
cloud shivering in the pull of gravity's shaping. Tau takes you to a place,
but the time is of its own choosing, and random.
   And so the terminals, the gaping jaws connecting real space and tau
space; time-machines, capable of plucking a ship from tau and sending
into reality precisely at the time demanded. Which may or may not be
seven months' time from the beginning of a seven months' journey. Why
dismiss the possibilities of a burnt planet that once was green, simply
because it met its death four million years before the Terran seas were
formed? Or because it had not yet been born, not in real-space? Humanity
, not content with having the universe for a playground, delved into past
and future, and lost itself amid the ages of the stars.

                                    III
   She lost the trail on Nueva Azteca, spent hours and days tracking those
who had served him or seen him during his brief stay on the pyramid
planet. A porter at the hotel had overheard his plans to book for Leman,
but the port records did not carry his name for that destination; the
Colonial Administrator's office offered the information that he had
requested a visa-stamp for Hell's Outpost but, again, there was no record
of his departure. She got drunk on heavy beer and sobered in steam
showers, accepted an invitation to ColAd's yearly celebration and spent
the evening curled in a corner, hopelessly scanning the tri-dims of Galactic
Central that floated through the noise and scents of the transparent room.
Queried every shipping company serving the planet and sat back to await
the answers to her questions. They came in over the next planet-weeks; no,
and no, and not since five years back and then in a completely different
sector. She swam in the dark red waters of the inland sea and safaried
across the endless plains that girdled the planet at the equator. Cupped
her hand over her thigh in the night and never considered going home.

                                     IV
   He had been with her during the birth of her daughter, floating
weightless with her in the labor sphere while her body paced through the
rhythms of childbirth. Had kept her mind on the hypnotic convolutions
when she tended to wander, helping her pulse love and warmth toward the
tiny soul working its way from her body and, finally, had taken the
wrinkled, squalling infant from the doctors and placed it in her arms. It
did not matter that the child wasn't his. It was hers. He shared her joy.
   He left Interplanetary and took assignments closer to Terra; she refused
an engineering assignment that would have taken her halfway across the
sector and contented herself with minor jumps through Terra End. They
calculated their comings together carefully, always reappearing on Terra a
week planet-time after they had left. It didn't matter that their bio-ages
shifted, that each one was, alternately, older and then younger than the
other. Accept off-planet jobs and one had to accept the mismatch of
planet-time and bio-age. They loved, and bio-time little to do with that.
  But the time-shifts made it harder to note other differences, harder to
decide which were the natural changes of age and which were the
unnatural transmutations of illness.
   Until the changes became very clear and now it was her turn to wait for
him and with him, to help him through the tests, to await not the delivery
of a child but the delivery of a verdict, an opinion, an identification. First
with hope, then with faith, through his growing desperation. Waiting.
  Two years had passed for her daughter, seven for herself, six him, when
they told her that he would have to die.


                                      V
  The night the last negative answer arrived, she pulled a dark clingsuit
over her slim body and ventured into the Nueva Aztecan evening to drink,
smoke, ingest, sniff, swirl, unsync - all, if possible, simultaneously. Started
high and moved lower during the course of the night, from the elegant
dignity of a crystalline cube that floated over the apex of the largest
pyramid to an expensive tourist club clinging to the sides of a seacliff to a
raucous gathering at the home of the Attache for Sensory Importation to a
neighborhood saloon where they threw her out after five Bitter Centauris.
Found herself at dawn, half draped over a table at SeaCave, a spacer's bar
at the bottom of the bay where she had been once before during her quest,
but not in her present condition. Peered at the double-imaged, blasted
face across from her and asked her usual question.
  "Yeah, I know the knocker," the harsh voice replied. She extracted the
words from the stoneapple haze, pulled herself nearly upright and forced
the double images to resolve into one.
  "When?"
  " 'Bout three runs ago. Booked passage from here to Augustine. Funny
knocker, came on board something unusual." The voice paused.
  "Want another drink?" she asked.
  "Naw, I'm up enough."
  "Food?"
  "Cash," he suggested.
  "Cash. Okay. How much?"
  "How much do you want to know?"
   She considered, then excused herself, found the dispos and cleaned her
stomach, bought a sobor from the vending machine and pressed the vial
to her arm, felt the coolness of rationality return. Augustine. She had
already followed him to Augustine. For a moment she thought of leaving,
but the habit of curiosity was strong. She made her way back to the bar
and sat beside her informant.
   The blasted face turned toward her and now, without the deceptive veils
of high, she could see the spaceburns and fightburns, the scars where an
eye had been replaced with a maximum of haste and a minimum of skill.
The hand wrapped around the vibraglass had thick, splayed fingers, some
one joint long, some two, none of them whole. Rivers and streams of scars
flowed down his neck and under the top of his battered tunic, emerged
again to run down his forearms and fingers.
  "Pretty, ain 't I?" the spacer asked, grinning. There was no telling where
the scars ended and his lips began. "Pit engine scars."
  "Why don't you..."
  "Get fixed? Why bother? Not bad enough yet, give me another run or so
and it'll be due for a clean-up, then I'll just bash it up again." The spacer
shrugged.
  "Want another drink?" she asked.
  "And cash."
  "How much do you know?"
  "How much 've you got?"
  "I want to know what you meant by boarding unusually."
  "Ten skims."
  "Skims?"
  "Units, graffs, get me?"
  She pulled ten from her hip pouch and put it on the table, covering it
with her hand.
  "Talk."
  "Well, it was about five to lift-off ..."
  "To Augustine?"
  "Yeah."
  "Augustine when?"
  "Five skims."
  "Later."
   "Your chips, lady. So everything was pretty much battened down, we
had the hoppers in gear and were just about to cut cords when this
knocker comes sprinting over from Main and through the cord. Seems
there was a cancelout about half hour before lift-off and this knocker came
in on stand-by, just made it to the port on time."
  "Go on."
  "That's ten skim's worth."
  "The hell it is. There's nothing unusual about someone boarding late,
there's always one."
   The spacer shrugged. She lifted her free hand and ordered a
DoubleTaker for him, a glass of innocuous JelWatr for herself. The drinks
arrived and the floating tray hovered for a moment while she pressed her
thumb to the plate. The empty glasses winked out, the transparent cover
of the tray snicked down and the tray floated away.
  "You gonna give me the ten?"
  "If you finish giving me ten's worth."
   Their eyes met over the radiant blackness of the table, then he dropped
his glance and poured the 'Taker down his throat.
  "Okay, lady. What was funny was he wore the wrong name."
  She pushed the ten to him and replaced it with a five.
  "Augustine when?"
  "Twenty-five odd, seven down."
   She thought about that. John had been on Augustine four planet-years
after before that date.
  "Name?"
  He watched her add another five to the one already under her palm.
  "Called himself Johan Ab'naua, but before we reached the grab he, uh,
asked me to get rid of some old tags for him. They said 'John Albion.'"
  She pushed the money to him, sat back, finished her drink. The next
day she booked passage for Augustine, twenty-five odd, seven down.
  When she got there, he was dead.

                                   VI
  Or, at any rate, Johan Ab'naua was dead. The body was prepared for
burial but she bribed one of the morgue attendants to let her see. The tall
woman led her down to the stasis vaults, swung open the heavy door, and
ushered her into a room with numbered doors lining the sides. Her hand
drifted down to rest on her thigh as the attendant selected the appropriate
door, opened it, and a transparent rectangle floated into the room.
   The coroner's report, 'hezed to the end of the rectangle, was quite
thorough. It talked about traces of radiation damage and talked about
traces of chemicals found in the body, mentioned half a dozen, each one
fatal in the proper amount. Talked about water in the lungs and
speculated about immersion before the deceased deceased. Considered the
fusion bums, speculated on the possibility that weapons were used to put
the deceased out of the misery undoubtedly caused by the above or to
disfigure the departed beyond recognition. Or to cover the radiation, and
the poison, and the water. Mentioned the difficulty of effecting a true
recognition from the remains and boasted of positive identification
achieved through thorough and painstaking work. The burned, blasted,
unrecognizable mass in the glass coffin, the coroner's report insisted, was
all that remained of Johan Ab'naua.
  She glanced inside the rectangle quickly, thanked the attendant, passed
over the balance of the bribe and returned to hotel.

                                   VII
  Was he dead because she hadn't reached him, or dead because had?
   Their times, she knew, had crossed before. Even before he had
journeyed out so far, even before she had tucked a secret in her thigh and
followed him, their various whens had crossed and recrossed - he older
and she younger, or she older and he younger, backward, forward. Once,
as a birthday gift, he arranged to stay on an off-planet job an extra but
unnecessary week, simply so that when they came together they were
precisely the same biological age. So perhaps at some future biological
date she would meet him before his death, would give him the ampule
stitched beneath the skin of her leg. His death was no reason to end the
quest. It was, simply, a matter of timing.
   Somewhen, curling through the intricacies of tau, John/Johan still
lived. Somewhen on this very planet he lived, but that past was closed to
her as completely as it would have been without tau. There are laws that
maintain the continuity of planet-time, strictly enforced regulations
proscribing visits to a planet at any time previous to one's first
planet-time visit, that forbid jumping on-planet itself. How else to cope
with the ensuing chaos, how maintain a measured sanity in the face of life
when tomorrow is last week and yesterday happens next year, when your
great-great-great grandfather drops in for a drink ten minutes before the
arrival of your current lover, who hasn't been born yet? They try to enforce
planet-time laws as strictly as the universe enforces the laws of gravity, as
rigorously as light follows the dictates of real-space. Or she would have
leaped backward after that first near miss, countless planetfalls ago;
would leap back now, into John's Augustine life.
    Yet, had one the time, the resources, the contacts, the courage, there
were ways to circumvent the laws. Name changes, print changes, the
subtle individualities of the body rearranged, and one could slip by the
guardians of time, revisit the past of one's present. John must have done
it. Otherwise, why the change of name? Why the end of the trail on Nueva
Azteca, why the misnamed body lying in the morgue?
   She could not duplicate his feat. She lacked the resources, the contacts,
perhaps even the courage to have her life changed. And so, again, it came
to this: a matter of timing.
  She rose from her bed, wrapped herself in warmth and went to trace his
death through the glittering austerity of the city.

                                   VIII
   Augustine is a sovereign nation, a chartered member of the Union of All
Worlds, and consequently information was harder to obtain than it had
been from the various ColAd agencies on Nueva Azteca. His effects? In
storage, where they would remain for seven years unless claimed by a
relative. Could she, perhaps, prove a relationship with Johan Ab'naua? No,
not with Johan. Sorry. After seven years the effects would be destroyed.
She looked at the pinched, bureaucratic face before her and dismissed the
idea of bribery.
   She had no better luck at the port. The passenger lists were
confidential, classified, but a sympathetic clerk suggested the files of the
local newsfax, the public lists of entry and exit taken not from the port but
from customs. So she booked time on the public computer and keyed in
her request.
   Johan Ab'naua had arrived on Augustine ten weeks before. Had been
discovered dead in a back alley in Port Sector four days ago - a small story,
that. Violent deaths in any port sector are far from a rarity. A holo from
his passport accompanied the story, a chip taken from the main crystal;
the resolution was fuzzy, the colors off. But she recognized John Albion's
face behind the subtle changes. So.
  She thumbed the connection closed and went out to wander the city.

                                    IX
   They had tried to build Augustine austere, straight, square, grim, but
the planet itself defeated them. The world's basic stone was a refractive
crystal, hard and shimmering, and only it would stand up to use as a
building material. The architecture of the city was all cubes and rectangles
- small, severe windows and disapproving right angles, built of
glimmering, color-changing crystal that reflected the flowing of wind and
temperature, turning the monastic blocks into the unexpected wonders of
a drug dream. The citizens strode purposefully amid these hulking
fantasies, dressed in dark severity, grim of eye and lip. She hurried past
them, knowing that their sour glances were not for her alone but for the
entire universe that, in creating their planet, had played them such a dirty
trick.
  As she wandered away from the city proper and more deeply into Port
Sector, the texture of the city changed. The buildings were now covered
with layers of grime, the filth bringing them closer to the ideal of the
founding fathers than the more respectable, and clean, parts of the city.
The people were less grim here, the spacers decked in the usual collection
of charms and artifacts, no two alike and not a one drab. She moved
among spacers and whores and drug pushers, asking questions, and at last
stood in a small alley that ran between a block of tenements.
  Nothing there, of course. Nothing to tell her how or when or even where
he had met his death on the oil-streaked pavement. She walked the alley
twice, staring until she felt intimate with each small crevice and corner,
each pile and heap, each crack and discoloration. She found no answers to
her silent questions; the walls kept their counsel and after a while she left.

                                     X
   Evening of the thirty-hour day had begun; the business establishments
of Port Sector had their glaring come-ons already lit. She wandered past,
unseeing, her dark hair tumbling over the neck of her suit, reflecting back
the lights spilled from doors.
  "Hey, spacer, wanna night?"
  "Gimme some, will you?"
  "Fucking knocker!"
  "Lady!"
  "It'll cost you, junk..."
  "Hey, lady!"
  "Jump it, jump it, jump it!"
  "Lady, wait up!"
  She felt a hand on her arm and raised her eyes. The spacer beside her
was unfamiliar.
  "Yes?"
  "Hey, don't you remember me?"
   She looked more carefully. The man had never been good-looking but
his face was smooth, eyes clear and as yet unreddened by the night. Coils
of orange hair, thick eyebrows, ears decked with small, mismatched
cascades of jewels, body draped in iridescent shamskin. She shook her
head.
  "Oh, yeah, I got cleaned up. You asked me about some knocker, back on
Nueva Azteca, remember?"
  "Oh. Yes."
  "Find him?"
  "Sort of. He's dead."
  "Care." The spacer raised an eyebrow. "Matter?"
  "Yes, it matters."
  "Care. Here, I'll stick you a drink. I need one."
   She shrugged and he guided her into a dim bar, snapped his fingers for
a tray as they sat behind a grid.
  "You wanna JelWatr?"
  She shook her head. "Whatever."
  "Okay. Two Tri-levels," he told the tray, and they sat in silence until the
drinks arrived. The spacer thrust his thumb at the printbox, grinned as
the green panel flashed, and turned to her.
  "Got paid," he explained. "You bruised?"
  "I suppose."
  "So goes."
  She shook herself from her lethargy and glanced up at him. "How'd you
get cleaned up so fast?."
  "Went up to Sal, got it done in time for my next run out."
  "Sal?"
   "Salsipuedes. Oh, you're a knocker. You know about time regs and all
that? Right. Well, you can't always get enough spacers for a run in the
start port, 'cause some of em's been to the stop port up the line, see? So
most ships stop at a Salsipuedes just off orbit and pick up crew, then drop
them off at another Sal before the stop port. Lots of spacers get stuck that
way, ‘specially old ones that work just one sector and have their times so
screwed up that there's no when they haven't been up the line anywhere."
   He raised his eyebrows, waiting for confusion. She shrugged. "I work
off-planet a lot. So how long did the clean-up take?"
  "‘Bout a standard year. I, uh, jumped."
  "Jumped?"
  "Yeah, there's no time regs on a Sal. You just gotta watch out you don't
meet yourself, if you're the superstitious type. Lots of spacers don't care,
though. Last time up there was one old junker sitting in the lounge talking
with five others of himself. Me, I don't want to know what's going to
happen. Can't change it, anyway."
  She felt the first level of the drink tickling at her mind and pushed the
low, sweet euphoria aside.
  "Look, can a - a knocker spend time on a Sal?"
  "Yeah, sometimes. Hey, drink, you're not down to second level yet."
   She raised the vibraglass to her lips and drained off the second level. It
flowed down her throat like liquid stars and she felt dizzy as it hit her
stomach.
  "Can a knocker jump around at a Sal?"
  "Maybe." His eyes narrowed and he tugged at one earring.
  She considered the remaining liquid in her drink, slowly swirling it
against the invisible sides of the glass.
   "Look, I want to know how to get on a Sal and how to jump around once
I get there."
  The spacer grunted noncommitally, keeping his eyes on her.
  "How much'll it cost me?"
  "You alone tonight?"
  She met his eyes, paused, finished her drink. And nodded.

                                    XI
  "This all of it, knocker?"
   "It's all I know. From Terra to Neuhafen, to Gardenia, to Asperity, to
Quintesme and the radiation labs. To Jakob's World, to New Aqaba, to
Nineveh Down for the baths. To Poltergeist, to Jason's Lift, to Endgame II,
to Murphy's Landing. To Nueva Azteca, to Augustine. These flights, here,
these times, these ships."
   "Okay, gimme another cup of that stuff. Now look, here's your sticker.
All these jumps, here, they're long hops, five lights or more, see? You book
for one of those, you've got to be cleared before you leave the start port.
Too much trouble with knockers who make it to stop port, and then the
company discovers that they've been there before, up the line, and can't
afford the passage back, see? So they check you out before lift-off and save
themselves the trouble. And since you followed him along the line, you
might as well count these hops out."
  "Couldn't I get on board as a spacer? They're dropped off on Sals after
long hops, aren't they?"
   "Look, knocker, see the band here? It's my registry, my license.
Implanted when I finished training. No way to forge one of those. Seems
like you'll have to try it here, between Azteca and Augustine."
  "But that's so close. .."
  "It's the only way, knocker. Sorry ."

                                   XII
   The sack vibrated against her shoulder as she stood by the port at the
jump station, watching the tau-ship move ponderously into the coil. The
huge bulk slid between the heavy, curving bars, jockeyed the final humps
of its tail section into place, and paused. Then it began to shimmer, so
softly at first that she thought the shivering might be in her mind, her
eyes. The shimmering coalesced, expanded, sent tendrils over the curves
and bumps of the ship. Light spilled through the bends of the coil at odd
angles and odder wavelengths, a flow of molten crystals, an agglomeration
of colors, a sudden transparency that wavered, disappeared, re-emerged
larger than before, grew to cover the magical creation within the coils, and
the ship vanished, the gaudy display cut off as abruptly as if someone had
thrown a master switch and plunged the show in darkness. She shut her
eyes, opened them, stared at the empty coil where not the least iridescence
remained to mark the passing of the ship from one time to another. From
on board ship, she remembered, it was the coil that shimmered and
restabilized as the translation through time took place, the universe that
shook and was again steady.
   She was alone at the receiving lock, the only one to disembark at Azteca
Sal. The bursar had been furious, aggrieved that her previous presence on
Nueva Azteca had marred an otherwise smooth flight; had raged and
stormed into her cabin, waving the GalCentral fax sheets and cursing. She
had shrugged, forfeited the remainder of her passage as a result her
"carelessness" and stepped into the shuttle to the Sal without a backward
glance.
   Her footsteps were silent on the bleak, unmarked corridor stretching
from the lock area toward the heart of Salsipuedes. It angled to the right
and opened into an empty, ovoid room. She walked to a semiopaque
shutter set into a curving wall and rapped on it.
  "Oh, yeah, hang it," said a voice. The window sphinctered open. "Right,
you're off the Hellion, bursar called. Want a bunk?"
  "I want to jump, fourteen even, two down."
  "Can't, not for another week. Bunk in G'll cost you ten, private sixteen.
Private? Right, level H, section four, back two. One week, okay."
  She pressed her thumb against the plate and turned to go, code key in
her hand.
  "Hey, knocker!"
  "Yes?"
  "Thumb's okay here, but it won't buy you anything else on Sal."
  "I know."
  Her room was a barren cube with a bunk, a clean-unit and one chair.
She stowed her gear and, following the remembered words of the spacer,
found her way to one of the many mess-chambers.

                                 XIII
  John Albion was/is/will be living/dying/dead, sucked into the
dead/dying void. John Albion had been/is/will be sitting in the warmth of
her home and talking of something very small, something very alien,
something very much in his bones which has/is/will be killed/killing him.
Conjugate the tenses of time travel. Verbs are illusory.
  A disease. An organism. The marrow. The blood. An explosion of time,
but biological time; inescapable, certain. A searching. A sampling. A
yearning, a leave-taking, a sudden aching absence. A movement of
machinery and data. A discovery. A synthesis. An ampule of clear fluid. A
quest. A death.
  Despite or because of? Too soon or too late? An idiot's question, a
useless knowledge. What is/was/will be/is/was/will be. Immutable
mutability; the ultimate paradox.
   A discovery, a quest, an ampule in the thigh. A walk down the corridor
of Azteca Sal, a seat in the midst of confusion. Because they always
were/are/will be.

                                  XIV
  Noise. Fumes. Dim swirls of ersatz smoke. Raucousness. Belligerence in
the corners. Shapes hulking and moving through labyrinths of sound and
scent. She sat, ignored except by the trays that brought her food and
drink, accepted the flat notes she pressed upon their surfaces. She felt the
small curious tensions her presence produced as though, without a halt in
the uproar, she was being watched, evaluated, measured and metered on
scales she only dimly comprehended. She, in turn, watched and measured.
  A spacer moved by her for the fourth time. There were three others of
him in the room, and each apparition ignored the other three. Another
spacer, gray hair cut ragged about her gray face, leaned over a nearby
table.
  "When is it?" she pleaded. "When is it?" And received four conflicting
answers in reply.
   Music from somewhere, as disjointed as the echos of the room. Dancing
of a sort, on tables at the far side. Trays floating and bobbing among the
shapes, never spilling, never colliding, ever present. And, once, a familiar
face.
  Seamed and gnarled, a river of scar tissue and a misplaced eye. No
mistaking that, but though she raised her face to his passing and called,
he did not look back. She wavered, uncertain, then pushed away from the
table and crossed the room.
  "Hey," she began.
  The hideous face turned, the eye winked.
  "Yeah, sure, knocker. But I keep my nose out of my own business, see?"
  She nodded, found her table again. Soon afterward she returned to her
own cabin, curled on the bunk with one hand over her thigh, slept fitfully.
   She spent the second day sprawled on a chair in the mess-chamber,
watching the eddies of the crowd, the changing sounds and moving faces,
drinking sparingly. In the evening someone offered her a vial of
stoneapple; she took a small sniff, returned the vial with thanks and it
disappeared back into the crowd.
  The third evening someone finally approached her. A slim spacer, a
woman in middle years with quick, nervous eyes and a thin mouth, two or
three scars meandering down the curves of her neck.
   "Share your table, knocker, " the spacer said and swung her legs over a
stool, dropped her drink on the table, slouched down and peered over.
  "Sure. Want another?"
  "Alla time. Name's Kalya."
  "Name's unimportant."
   "Up to you, knocker." Kalya captured a passing tray and ordered the
offered drink. "You waiting for something special?"
  "Jump time."
  The spacer smiled. "On which side of regs?"
  "Whichever side I can find it."
  "Cash?"
  "Sure."
  The drink arrived and was paid for, then the spacer stood from the
table. "Follow me, knocker. There's always a spare coil somewhere."

                                    XV
   They followed the maze of station corridors and Kalya always ahead or
beside her, words tumbling as she waved her drink to punctuate her
sentences. Spacers called it "coiling", only knockers called it "jumping."
This was one of the better Sals, always something going on. Sure, there
were always illicit coils on a Sal. GalSec made sweeps for them, but all you
had to do was coil forward to see when the sweep was, then move the coils
to different whens; it wasn't hard, you dismantled them and put them
through the coil that remained behind. Yeah, sometimes you saw a bust,
no help for it, if you made it, you made it; if you didn't, you didn't. A
game. No care. Small, one-person coils, some larger, some as big as an
entire mess-chamber but those were difficult to maintain, the power drain
had to be camouflaged from GalSec. There was one here at Azteca Sal, a
party, maybe she'd like to try it, sure, it'll get you there, we'll drop you off
on our way, nothing like it. You're loose, knocker, know that? And tense,
like a spacer on job. You're not GalSec ‘cause I'd have seen you, or you
wouldn't be here, would you? Jarl tipped me, you're quick. Here, knocker.
Here.
   A door like any other on Sal, a gleaming metal circle with palm receiver
on the right side, protruding a little from the brushed silver gleam. Kalya
pushed her palm to the plate, the door sphinctered open, and they stepped
forward.
  Into nothingness.
  She spun, seeking the door, but Kalya grasped her arm, laughing.
  "Easy, knocker, easy."
   She glanced down to where her feet floated, toes pointing down, nothing
underfoot; a darkness from which her companion stood as the only
illuminated figure on a blackened stage.
  "Easy, easy, easy." Her hand spread along her thigh, throat constricted,
knees flexed to absorb the impact of a fall. Kalya laughed. Shudder. Strain.

  "Easy, easy. This is only the entrance, we're not into it yet. Calm,
knocker. Quiet."
  She straightened, touched her hip-pouch, chin, hair. Wriggled her toes
experimentally against the resilient emptiness. Calmed.
  "When are you headed?" Kalya asked.
  "Fourteen even, two down."
  "Cash?"
  She fumbled at her pouch, produced a fistful of notes, handed them
over.
  "Good. I'll toss it into coil, we'll get you there. Ready?" The spacer
hooked an arm over an invisible something and, reaching out her other
arm, offered it for support.
  Floating, unable to imagine the next stage, she drifted passively on
Kalya's proferred arm. Felt the roundness of a door circling her. Kalya
pushed them through and the invisible door clicked shut.

                                  XVI
   For we exist in time. Time is what binds molecules to make your brown
eyes, your yellow hair, your thick fingers. Time changes the structures,
alters hair or fingers, dims the eyes, immutably mutating reality .Time,
itself unchanging, is the cosmic glue, the universal antisolvent that holds
our worlds together.
   Passage through a coil releases time, and the body dies. Energy
remains, the components, the atoms remain but their structure is
random, for the glue has been stripped away and the time-bound base no
longer exists. When coiling ceases, time rebuilds the molecules to its own
specifications, the glue snaps back and the self in time is recreated.
   But the soul, the mind, the essence has no time, dwells in an eternity
and is bound to the "now" only as it is bound within the molecules of the
moment, only as it is caught in the cosmic glue. Matter, here, is
transcended, the sum of the parts is more than the whole and is capable of
existence apart from the base. An analogy: mind as gas, time as the sphere
in which the gas is enclosed. Break the sphere, divorce mind from time,
and the essence is free to roam eternity, consistent only unto itself. Drugs
release the mind from a realization of time, temporarily. Pain, starvation,
flagellation, intense mysticism release the mind but, again, temporarily.
By defrauding the brain, by convincing it for the hour or the day that
there is no true physical base, the mind reaches toward infinite ecstasy,
encompasses a portion of the god-head before it is snapped back to the
temporal.
  And coiling releases the mind. By destroying time, by revoking the
bindings. Coiling is the possibility of endless transcendence, broken only
by an act of will.

                                   XVII
  Chaos happened as though signaled by the shutting of the portal, colors
and shapes danced by too swiftly for meaning, deafening noise battered at
her ears. Bewilderment. Fear.
  Kalya laughed and stepped into the maelstrom, crying, "Come, join the
party, the party, the party," and was lost to sight.
   "Kalya! Wait! How?" Nothing. She strained her eyes, searching for a
glimpse of anything familiar but the rushing refused to yield coherence.
Complicated abstractions presented themselves, vanished, reformed,
exploded into a million further abstractions; rationality exiled from the
universe; the senses reeled.
  It is a hoax, she thought bitterly. A paltry joke played on a stupid
knocker. A fraud. And she flung herself forward.
   A brief wrenching as she passed the barrier, a metaphysical twist and
she was within. She glanced down, screamed, closed her eyes, refused to
glance again at what she had become/was becoming. Sound and color
sliced through, quick hard lines that melted, honey-like, at her ears and
became slow thunder. Infinitesimal tastes hovering through the air, past
and presences, a million brushings and her brain lost in sensations for
which there were no names, the ordering of the universe exploded in a
spacer's game.
  "When are we?" she demanded of a flicker. "Where are we? What?
How?"
  "It is the end of the universe," a voice said. "Very popular. Quite pretty.
Look."
   She looked and would not look again, turned and fled through the fabric
of the room.
  "Stay," she commands a passing face. "Help, stay!"
  The face dissolves before her, and a voice says, "Why here? When did
you come? How?"
  "Kalya brought me, I'm lost. "
  "Bitch! I told her to clear, but she meddles." The sense of glare, an
amorphous swirling, a purposeful stride.
  "Don't leave me!"
   An impatient hand, a jerk that sends her stumbling after the form.
Which shifts through the spectrum, becomes, briefly, a quick warm scent
on the air, spills outward, condenses as a scream, falls into orange. And
still the image of a hand on the image of her arm, dragging her through
chaos.
  "Kalya! Bitch!"
  "No," she pleads. "Just let me out, please."
  "When?"
  "Fourteen even, two down. Please."
   Something like dragging happens to something like her arm. She
abandons herself to it, cuts off visual impressions, feels the insidious
tickling of change. The sensations lessen, disappear, and she opened her
eyes to find herself back in the room of nothingness, still grasped by her
rescuer.
  The face stabilized, somewhere between the scarred monstrosity of
Nueva Azteca and the smooth youthfulness of Augustine.
  "When are you?" she asked.
  "Two years after Augustine. Just passing through. Stopped at the party.
Didn't know."
  "What happened?"
   He shrugged, a quick motion of the shoulders beneath the soft scales of
his robe. "Spacers get used to it, get their kicks that way. Frame of mind."
  "But a ship, it's not like when..."
  "Different. Ship coil's phased, quick. That one's not, completely random,
not linked to a durator."
  "So when are we now? How do I get back?"
  The spacer grinned, stretching one scar wide, and reached a hand
through blackness. A twisting, a writhing, she cried in fear. But the
twisting settled, the darkness remained intact. The spacer palmed open a
door and ushered her into a corridor.
  "Fourteen even, two down. Ship well, knocker." The spacer popped back
through the door: the snick of its closing echoed in the empty hall.

                                  XVIII
   She stared down the pitted corridor, noting the stains on the stainless
walls, the cracks in the floor under-foot. Wondered briefly if another trick
had been played on her, if she had been deposited far in the future rather
than three months in the past. Decided that she was not going to re-enter
the insane party to find out and walked down the hall, looking for a known
place from which she could chart her course back to the intake port.
  She peered surreptitiously at the spacers she passed but found no one
familiar, even considering the time-jumping fluidity of a spacer's face.
After a time, she spotted a face that looked friendly and she approached.
  "Spacer?"
  "Yeah?"
  "When is it?"
  The spacer stared at her, taking in all the small differences that
branded her as a knocker, and smiled.
  "Fourteen even, two down. Last I checked."
  "Thanks. Where's the intake port?"
   "Same place as always. Follow that corridor, take a right at the second
intersect and you'll find it."
  She found it. The agent irised open the window and peered out.
  "Yeah?"
  "I want passage on the Claudia Frankl, it ought to be through here
tomorrow."
   A swift hum of machinery. "Right, there's space. First class, second
class, nothing in stasis."
  "Give me first class, I don't care where."
  She pressed her thumb to the plate; a bright vermilion flashed across
the face of it.
  "Here, knocker, gimme your thumb a minute."
   She pressed her thumb against the new plate and the agent palmed it,
disappeared, came back a moment later carrying her credit plate and the
sack of belongings with which she had entered Azteca Sal, three months
in the future.
  "Arrived yesterday morning through the cargo coil. Here, look, here's
the notation on the log. So I'll enter it in the PDL for, um, seventeen odd,
four down, and when the agent up the line opens the PDL, there it'll be,
bright and clear. And the agent'll shoot the stuff down the line, and I'll
receive it yesterday and give it to you today. Enter time-change against
your credit, right. And next time, knocker, take your gear with you, it's
simpler that way. Try your thumb again."
  This time bright green glowed from the panel. She took her sack.
  "Can I have a bunk for the night?.
  "Sure, one in Temp'll cost you ten, plus six for cargo-jump, press again.
Level A, section nine, bunk fourteen. Down the corridor, first to the right,
one up. Be at Intake at fourteen two tomorrow, sharp. The shuttle doesn't
wait."
   She stowed her gear in the locker at the foot of bunk 14, checked the
time, then piled her clothes over the locker and swung in. Spent no time
thinking of the room in which she had traveled time; her mind settled on
the future, on tomorrow, and for the first time in her quest she did not
sleep at all.

                                  XIX
   We'll get off at Augustine Sal, yes, and jump to somewhen where neither
of us has been before. And he'll have taken the medicine, of course. A small
home somewhere, a place that needs engineers so we'll be able to work. In
the quiet, like the beginning, me and John, John and me, until it's time for
Augustine. Since it has to happen.
  He'll be changed, of course, but he'll remember me. His hands are swift
and gentle, his hips are sweet. Brown and golden under my hands,
between my thighs, laughing at midnight from a soft bed. When he looks
toward the sky his eyes narrow against the glare, with small crinkles at the
corners. Brown. His mouth is honey.
   Some new star, perhaps, some just-discovered world, to build a city, a
seatown, a spiraling cluster of lights and sounds. Such solid geometry we
make together, me and John, John and me. New animals, new plants, we'll
have a garden and he'll take a small greenery in his palms and urge it to
the soil, things leap to life at our touch, cities and subways, fruits and
flowers, tiny birds rest on his shoulders.
  And to wake to find him sleeping, thighs under my knees, arm across
my stomach, head on my breast, his breath is easy as he sleeps, and his
hair spills over my shoulders, brown and golden, brown and golden. As it
was before, and for almost forever. Until Augustine. Of course.
  He'll open the door, smile, open the door, irising to his face and hands,
to his legs and smile, to his chest and arms.
   When he sings his voice cracks, leaves him stranded in laughter on a
high, subversive note. He'll build vaulting arches across the seas, from my
city to my city, and together we'll shape worlds.
  Until Augustine.
  Until Augustine.

                                     XX
   She stood before the closed shutter of his cabin, feeling knots twisting
in her stomach. Pressed the call button on the wall. Pause. Pause. He's not
here. He's asleep. He's not answering. He's...
  "Yes? What is it?" Suspicious.
  "Mr. Ab'naua? I have something for you."
  "Who are you?"
  "It's a medicine."
  "A medicine? Who are you?"
  "Please, Mr. Ab'naua. John, please let me in."
  The door sphinctered open and he stared at her.
   It was as though he carried a fire within him, an inward light that
bathed his skin with a deep bronze glow. That ate him from within, for his
cheeks were deep and hollow, his eyes impossibly large in his narrow face,
his wrists and ankles much too heavy for the thinness of his limbs. A
medicinal smell reeked from the room behind him, crept out into the
corridor as he frowned at her.
  "May I come in, John?"
  His eyes hardened, hand moved toward the door's controls.
  "You must be mistaken. My name is Johan."
  She glanced at the back of his neck, where her fingers had often
massaged the tension from him. Glanced at his hand resting at his side, at
the slant of his shoulders, the curve of his hips. She could have sculpted
each slight plane and angle of him in plasteen, with her eyes closed,
despite the ravages of the disease.
  "John," she repeated positively.
  "Sorry, lady, the name's Johan." His hand touched the controls, but she
caught his shoulder with one hand and with the other forced his face
toward her. A deliberate, furtive blankness echoed in his eyes.
    No, she thought furiously. I shall not be robbed of an ending to this. She
snatched her vibraknife from the pouch at her hip and, before he could
respond, she sliced through the skin of her leg, reached within and
withdrew the ampule, held it red and dripping before him. He stared from
it to her face, to her bleeding thigh, to the vial once again.
   "It's for your marrow disease," she snapped. "It's the cure. I've been
following you for seven years to give it to you and now, by damn, you're
going to take it."
  His hand rose, then grabbed the vial. He snatched at her arm and
pulled her into the cabin.

                                  XXI
  His eyes were the wrong color. Teeth smaller and more even than she
remembered them to be, lips thinner. But his broad fingers were
unchanged, and she watched them expertly stitch the incision, spray a
healer over the area. The deep tingling of healing tissue warmed her thigh.
  Shimmering bottles lined the walls of the room. The table was littered
with tubes and cans, the foot of the bunk held tiny reels of books scattered
among the jars. She looked at them as she told him of the research, the
synthesis, the quest. Inspected them, rather than inspect the harsh,
bright, wrong light of his eyes.
  He listened impatiently, fingers tapping against the cleaned ampule,
and interrupted her before she had finished.
   "Yes, naturally, you've come a great distance," he said, waving away her
travels with a sweep of his unchanged hand. "But of course you didn't see
those planets as I did, you couldn't know, could you? I've been so far. .."
And he told of a search for health, of one frustration after another, of
failures on differing planets, of promises made and promises broken. He
talked of healers and doctors and those who cure through the soul; of the
resurrected natives of Gardenia and the immortal proto-organisms of
Neuhafen. Expounded. Declaimed. Praised and excused. Wise men,
healers, saints, gurus. Charlatans. His wrong-colored eyes glowed, his
hands moved impatiently through the air as he described the promises of
the healer he had changed his name to visit.
  "And, of course, I was suspicious when you called me 'John,'" he
explained. "If Galsec knew... But they won't. This man, this monk on
Augustine, he's spent much time on Neuhafen, he's communed with the
proto-organisms. I've been there, of course, but you simply can't make any
contact with them, fleetingly, like that. This man spent decades. And,
listen, he can cure me. He... he can make me immortal!"
  "But this is the cure," she told him through her confusion, and he
smiled, lofted the bottle, watched it spiral through the air and made no
move to catch it. She cried out, grabbed it before it shattered on the floor.
Crouched, staring at him.
   "But it's no good to me," he explained. "The monk can't cure me unless
I'm ill, that makes sense, doesn't it? And to be immortal, to live forever!
He can really do it, I've heard from people who've known people, I have it
documented, here, and here. Take this one, read it, it'll convince you."
  "But, John ..." she protested, reaching the ampule toward him. He
waved the vial away without looking at it.
  "No, really, he can, it's all here. I know. I didn't believe it at first either,
but this will change your mind, I know it will. Here, take it to your cabin,
keep it, I have another copy."
  "John..." with despair.
   "Johan, please. Of course, it was quite kind of you to bring me the stuff.
You couldn' tell that it would be useless, could you? I had no inkling, of
course, but this thing of mine is actually a blessing, you have to consider it
as a catalyst, if it weren't for that the monk wouldn't even touch me. He's a
saint! A wonderful man, he'll change and cure me, they say he's immortal
himself, you know, but he claims that immortality isn't important once
you've reached the higher planes. We can't all do that, naturally, we have
to settle for simple immortality and wait for time to mature us enough so
that we can attain sainthood too. It takes time and work, I know, but I'll
have forever to do it in!"
  "John, you're going to die on Augustine!"
  "What? Nonsense, of course not. Listen, this monk, this saint..."

                                   XXII
   So she decided that he wasn't John any more after all. That he was
indeed Johan, someone who carried within him the essence of her lover,
but transformed, transmuted, beyond her. Johan was on his way to
Augustine to die. John was already dead. She spent the remainder of the
trip in her cabin, disembarked, pursued by angry bursar, at Augustine Sal,
and watched the Claudia Frankl shimmer from her life.
  And, when you come to cases, John had died on Augustine.
  Had/is/will.
  Which is paltry consolation.
   She could have entered the coil at Augustine Sal and burned time away
in a blaze of confusion. Could have died for love in the bleakness of space.
Wandered unconsolable among the stars. Done any number of dramatic
things. But she wasn't a very dramatic woman, so she booked passage for
Terra, arriving three months after her departure. Returned to her work,
raised her children and, eventually, died of old age. Was puffed to
chemicals in the mortuary, with appropriate ceremony.
  And that was that.