Preface In more than two decades as a practicing psychologist, I have learned that the human psyche can simultaneously be fragile, resilient, delicate, buoyant, vulnerable, dependent, and survivalistic. I am eternally grateful for the wisdom clients, patients, students, and colleagues pass on to me daily. Most all I have to say here is not original. I have picked it up from a patient, client, friend, or book. The only thing I ever said that might be original is, "What this country needs is a paper shortage," and I wouldn't bet that's truly my own. My wife and I often read to each other before bed, just short readings that prompt us to think about something new or something we forgot we knew. This book is filled with "thought prompts" for introspection or dialogues or exploration. Knowledge is something to be shared, not hoarded. I deeply hope the following statements trigger some creative thinking about knowledge you already have. Dr. Wallace K. Pond The first four minutes experienced between a couple upon awakening each morning and then the first four minutes spent greeting each other after returning home at the end of the day are the two most critical exchanges that occur within the relationship. Those who talk pleasantly, display affection, and feel genuine interest in each other and the day ahead cultivate and nurture their future. Those who leap from bed issuing instructions and making demands with complete self-absorption set the tone and parameters for that day. When the couple arrives home at the end or the day, the same phenomenon determines the interpersonal dynamics for the evening. How a man and woman engage each other during those initial four minute encounters can make or break the partnership. The most important factor that affects a child's feelings of security is how he or she perceives the health of the parents' relationship. This perception also affects the child’s self-image, self-confidence and ability to behave successfully and appropriately. People stay locked in dead-end jobs or destructive, barren intimate relationships because the security of knowing the rules and intricacies of the miserable job or relationship seduces them. They know they can survive and handle it; they’ve been doing it long enough. They prefer the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty. I was raised through the collaborative effort of a small town's citizens during the forties and fifties. They did not hesitate to respond automatically to my occasional inappropriate behavior with such action-stoppers as: "Hey there, young fellar! That's not the way we do things around here! Now you straighten up." Perhaps it does "take an entire village to raise a child," as the African adage asserts. Regrettably, if "village members" take such needed action these days, it might result in anything from a lawsuit to a stabbing. Apparently, the first thing to go in a relationship is politeness. Mutual consideration and respect are not optional behaviors in a deep and enduring relationship. I am now completely convinced that it is important to put the toilet seat down. It is wise to avoid making major decisions independently in a relationship, particularly if both partners will share the time and expense of dealing with the consequences. The male ego structure is the most anemic and vulnerable part of the human psyche. A man often demands to know what he cannot stand to hear and will hammer his mate into telling him things that practically kill his soul. Individuals within a relationship know how to "push the other's buttons" because they installed them. Death is a conundrum. The death of someone else is so incredibly final. Even if the death is expected and "a blessing for all concerned," an era ends. It confirms not only our own mortality, but also that the timing and sequence of events and the fulfillment of expectations can be terribly unreliable. The notion of self-actualization has been gravely overstated and made much too complicated. It is, simply stated, peace of mind. My favorite sounding word is "anathema." I wish it meant something else. Gift-giving is both an art and a science because of the complexity of the giver's motivation. Many give something they would like to have themselves or want the recipient to have. Giving can be anything from a sweet overture devoid of conditions to a manipulative use of leverage. A patient once said to me, "A wife is a wife for as long as you're married, but an ex-wife is forever." This is not a gender-linked phenomenon. What most often precipitates or exacerbates interpersonal problems is fatigue. Passive aggression is one of the most manipulative and pervasive forms of aggression. "Mental cruelty" almost always centers on verbal and nonverbal denigration. Put-downs are deadly. Avoid them like the plague, and improved relationships are practically guaranteed. Little surpasses the self-gratification derived from doing an anonymous act of kindness. We are all painfully aware of our shortcomings and body image. It is ludicrous and often cruel to kiddingly point them out, especially when others are near. Why force someone to he a good sport while being put down? Children, adults and lower animals trust most those whose behavior they know to be predictable. There are three elements in an intimate relationship: social, sexual, and financial. A couple experiencing disharmony in any one of them can most often work things out. If two or more are in trouble, do something right away—seek help. Where there is pain there is feeling, and when there is feeling, there is hope. Two of the most underestimated words I know are "mean" and "fair." Unnecessarily or generally mean people are despicable. People unconcerned with fairness are fools who bear watching. I'll be forever grateful to my Dad who casually said to me when I was a young adolescent, "Sonny Boy, it doesn't cost a dime to be nice." One of the greatest joys a husband can experience is to be genuinely proud of his mate. The double standard is alive and well. Men who believe in sexual liberality for themselves and others cannot handle even the slightest similar beliefs or behavior on the part of "their" women. Once a couple no longer displays mutual respect, they should brace themselves for mutual defensiveness. When a relationship is consumed by disrespect, criticism and defensiveness, one or both of the couple will withdraw. It is irrelevant which member is the more interpersonally treasonous with put-downs and lack of caring. Such behavior has become an accepted norm. It's not that life's too short. It's that death is so darned long. When asked questions and professional opinions about controversial individuals such as O.J. Simpson or Bill Clinton, a psychologist must "keep the objective ball in the air," regardless of any personal bias or conclusions s/he may have. This monumental feat may, perhaps, be accomplished by borrowing the thrust and intent found in Tim O'Brien's book In the Lake of the Woods: "Can we believe that he was not a monster but a man? That he was innocent of everything except his life? Could the truth be so simple? So terrible?" I have never found anything stronger or more resilient than the human psyche. Then again, I know of nothing more delicate and fragile than the human psyche. The more you talk about yourself, the sooner your listeners will hear something they don't like. Jealousy and envy are quite different from one another. Each, however, can be debilitating. Envy occurs when someone has something you would like to have. Jealousy kicks in when you perceive someone trying to take something from you. Research indicates that the very worst event a human being encounters is the death or horrible injury of his or her child. One reason this drives us to our knees may be because the parent has had no anticipatory grief, no practice at grieving over such an event. While we may think about the "what its" of the death of a spouse, parent, or friend, whenever we think of our child in that regard, we immediately block any further thought on the subject and expunge whatever thoughts we did have. It is the truly unthinkable. The institution of marriage will last. It has to. It is our cultural infrastructure and the synapse of our social connectedness. Columnist William Raspberry reminds us that marriage matters. So does the fact that we are forgetting how much it matters. When a couple has decided to terminate their relationship, it is imperative they enable the children to feel exempt from any responsibility for that decision. This can be accomplished by advising children that the acts of separation or divorce result from a marital decision, not a family decision. Children must also be reminded that their parents may not always be married, but their parents will always be their parents. And, to the best of their parents' ability and intentions, their security will always be solid and never become an issue, and they will always be loved. I have heard colleagues state that the "Three C's," or most important factors, in a relationship are "communication, communication and communication." This statement is insultingly over-simplified and informationally barren. This mnemonic device and the valuable intent behind it can be salvaged, however, and put to excellent use. The first "C," communication, is crucial to a relationship. The second "C" is chemistry. Whether a relationship is sexual or asexual, turning the other person on and having kindred pizzazz is vital. The third "C" is common values. Whether the relationship deals with global topics or personal feelings, without common values a day spent together can be a long one. Past generations taught their children the difference between right and wrong. Instead, many now teach what is legal and illegal. This alarms me when juxtaposed with "or can you get away with it." Theodore Roosevelt was painfully accurate when he warned that to educate a person in mind, but not in morals, creates a menace to society. Practicing psychology reveals that truth is not only stranger than fiction, but stranger than hallucinations. Fair and adequate punishment consistently administered to children from the beginning, accompanied by their learning the consequences of their behavior, would make adolescence more of a learning, albeit difficult, experience, rather than the frequently reported nightmare. Clients expect psychologists to make conjectural or scientifically based judgments, and to be responsible for them. This is somewhat intimidating. What a relief to discover that in the main, psychology is nothing more than formulated common sense. A long-ago mentor warned me that a client's contempt for happiness is usually contempt for other people's happiness. And, possibly, an elegant disguise for hatred of the human race. My brother-in-law advises us to be careful if others see or hear us when we display how happy we are or state how well things are going. A lot of folks out there are very concerned that some of us might be having a good time. I find it most sad so many divorced people consider themselves failures. Many relationships simply have run their course. Jealousy is enormously problematic because it is made up of three emotional states, each capable of driving us to our knees: anxiety, insecurity and hostility. It's no wonder jealousy can annihilate the human psyche or a relationship. John Gottman is so right when he advises women to learn how to give their husbands feedback without making them defensive. And that husbands will profit greatly if they would just listen to their wives' advice. Teaching old dogs new tricks depends on their motivation, not their age. Approximately 50% of first marriages end in divorce, whereas 64% of second marriages end in divorce. Yet most people within their second marriages claim the second one is the happier, partly because they will not put up with another "bad" marriage. They now know divorce won't kill them and they know the way to the court. Those who have been successfully married for many decades have had several different marriages. They didn't bother to change mates, but be assured, the marriage went through evolutionary changes. Sexual infidelity runs rampant in this country. Some consider it the ultimate form of betrayal. Clients have persuaded me, however, that it doesn't hold a candle to a mate showing you disrespect or aiming cheap shots at you in the presence of others. Some weeks seem interminable while others flash by so fast they take our breath away. Time can be precise or amorphous, depending on our circumstances and emotional state. This may be one of the reasons Dr. Einstein's fourth dimension, time, includes the concept of relativity. If we do nothing else, we should watch our adolescents between three and six p.m., when most teen crime, pregnancy and drug use occur. Time is the Bottom Line of all bottom lines. The number two cause of lost profit in most organizations is attrition. The number one cause is employee theft. To be free and fair to yourself in business, charge people for what you accomplish, not for what you say you will do. Abuse of power or authority is destructive and unconscionable. One could ask a priest, "Father, may I smoke while I'm praying?" He'd probably say, "No, I don't think that's appropriate." But if one were to ask, "Father, may I pray while I'm smoking? he might say, "Sure. That's a good idea." It's not just what you say, but how you say it. Of all types of bullies I've encountered, I consider the adult intellectual bully the most despicable. Adolescents risk becoming marginal people if they get in trouble with all of the "big three": parents, school and the law. After the vows, the real crusher is being disliked or, God forbid, disrespected by one's mate. Perhaps that is the penultimate blow to the human psyche. The antepenultimate blow would be s/he not giving a damn about you. The ultimate obliterator is when your mate considers you despicable. The most important feedback a man gives a woman assures her that he values and respects her judgment. Both will benefit enormously. One of the major secrets of a lasting relationship is separate bathrooms. You may decide not to live the way your mate wants you to, but if you decide not to, you will pay your dues. Now for the upside, if you live your life the way s/he wants, the rewards will often be enormous. Let's just hope s/he is rational and fair. The most effective compliment a woman can pay a man is to convince him that she adores him. It absolutely knocks his socks off. A man should never underestimate the female's unswerving need for security. A woman will support her husband from hell to high water, but only as long as her future is secure. The male's monumental fear of becoming dependent devastates all arenas if his self-worth is reduced too much. When you no longer believe your partner has your best interest and safety at heart, the resulting changes in your security and outlook can be irrevocable. When your mutual support system is severely damaged, most interactions enter the hideous lose-lose mode. Often a man controls his mate, and even becomes mean, to prevent her from letting him know how she feels about his shortcomings. Often a woman controls her mate, and even becomes mean, because of her anger at his lack of awareness of the historically miserable plight of women. Because men and women are so much alike, it's no wonder they have difficulty dealing with their monumental differences. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Fortunately, my Dad advised me to never judge the value of an idea by its source. Only the merit of the issue is important. Reportedly, a judge asked a woman seeking a divorce on the grounds or irreconcilable differences whether counseling might change things. She responded, "Oh, that's not an option because my husband is a bore." The judge asked her to define "bore" and she responded without hesitation, "A bore, your honor, is a person who deprives you of your privacy, yet affords you no companionship." Addictions are misfired attempts to cope. We make decisions as wisely as we can. Whether the decision was right or wrong is based on how we live with those decisions. We decide first with our feelings, then cognitively justify the decisions to achieve peace of mind. Each of us needs validation and affirmation. However, never seek validation or affirmation from a person who also asks you to hate or devalue yourself, or you will remain with or go back to abuse that stifles you. Hope dies in the face of pessimism. The most important goal we can strive to achieve is to be happy at home. — adapted from Samuel Johnson. Perhaps the best message of Alcoholics Anonymous is that recovery is possible for anyone who can be honest with himself and others. Being unable to forget or continuing to long for a person who has died is not necessarily bad if the recall is in legitimate perspective. Staying in touch through memories keeps the deceased alive and gives them a fine compliment. At the funeral of a young friend, I was struggling with the variability of "a lifetime" and was strangely helped by one of the hymns. That's a less obvious reason why we in the psychology field encourage attendance at funerals. Achieving closure is more multifaceted than one may be prepared for as s/he enters the gates of bereavement. Short term, reactive neurotic behavior precipitated by authentic concerns or events is simply inefficient behavior. If we are not a little neurotic from time to time, considering the craziness of it all, I don't think we're paying attention. In his discussion of emotional literacy, Daniel Goleman states that one or the most crucial skills a child must acquire by the third to fifth year of life is knowing how to learn. His seven factors that allow children to learn: Confidence. The child believes s/he will probably succeed at most things, and that adults will help. Curiosity. Learning about things is a positive experience that produces pleasure. Intentionality. The persistent wish to influence. Self-control. Modulating and controlling one's actions in age-appropriate ways. Communication. Understanding others and being understood. Relatedness. Demonstrating empathy. Cooperativeness. Showing others the value and pleasure of getting along. If you want to determine someone's character, give him or her power. Integrity isn't optional. A requirement for authentic existence, integrity means knowing yourself well enough to mean what you say. The sage Dr. Robert Anthony said, "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." Although the least-loving partner may be more insulated from rejection than the other and therefore ostensibly in control, this psychological condition shifts back and forth. Vulnerability and self-confidence are changing, dynamic conditions. Working with court-mandated adolescent groups is a thrill a minute. Between my ignorance of the current status of being an adolescent and their anger and alienation, I have discovered new width and depth to the concept "generation gap." When George Will, one of my favorite conservative curmudgeons, referred to the U.S. as a "contumacious country," I realized many Americans may feel a generalized contempt for authority. Questioning junior high teachers, I found an educated guess that includes When. When we passed out buttons to this country's youngsters that shouted "Question Authority!" we may have opened the flood gates, regardless of our fine intentions. According to Murphy's Law or Combat, "When the Enemy is in range, so are you." Anger not only suspends judgment, it wears us out. If you experience domestic violence and put up with it, the message you send to your sons is: It's O.K. to handle conflict with violence. And the message you give to your daughters: It's O.K. to allow it indefinitely. Look yourself over very carefully before you look down on someone else. Express praise and affection randomly. That way your positive regard is unconditional and not always associated with a behavior. Do not confuse identity with behavior. If you do, others may see themselves as bad or failures, rather than recognize they have just done one inappropriate thing or failed at one task. When a man realizes his mate has determined he is not as good as she thought he was, it deals a devastating blow to his confidence. This is particularly true if he considers her the almost perfect woman for him. A child's life depends on the ideal he or she has of his or her parents. Destroy that, and morals and behavior deteriorate. — adapted from E.M. Forster One reason some men and women experience less sexual gratification and mind-blowing encounters in their relationship over time may be that the more secure one of the relationship precipitated the gratifying sexual peaks through assertiveness motivated by self-gratification. As the relationship matures, selfishness may subtly shift to genuinely loving and sheltering the mate. It's ironic. By valuing the other more, the orchestrator no longer does what each person wants. A wonderful marriage or relationship develops not just from the good times a couple has, but also from the survival and resolution of bad times. I shall always be grateful to the curmudgeonly professor who began his doctoral seminar by saying nothing for several minutes as he looked us over thoroughly and deliberately. He finally spoke: "A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they're complex." Absolute trust in someone else is essential to education. I try to help members of court-mandated adolescent alcohol and drug abuse groups realize the meaning of Ralph Waldo Emerson's statement: What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. Emerson knew that what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Even if a man consistently does more housework than 95% of the men he knows, he is still resented by his mate if she does significantly more than he. It takes him a long time to realize this. One or the worst things about gossip is what you learn about the person spreading it. That person is invariably power-tripping. People who gossip are often frustrated by their lack of power and competence and have to exercise this absurd form of control to cope with their adequacy anxieties. This can also be said of those who enjoy it. In her early sixties, internationally successful woman therapist and author LeClare Bissel, M.D. brought the house down when she began a keynote address by flatly stating that she now knew "why God, in his infinite wisdom, made it impossible for women to have babies by the age of around fifty. We would forget where we had put them." Two reasons contemporary religions are in a tough spot, according to Joseph Campbell: religion is directed toward history, not the spirit, and religion mistakes the symbols for the references that shape members' beliefs. Religion is a constellation of metaphors of the spirit, not of history. Taking religious symbols literally allows religious institutions to externalize spirituality, rather than nurture our inner union with a deity. Literality makes the church a necessity and explains away our fear of the divine mystical experience. This explains why religions often fail. The lottery is The System's latest way to fleece the "mathematically challenged." Photographers create and design history every bit as much as they record it. A woman becomes unsettled if she believes that she works harder than her mate. If this be true and she does work harder than he in daily life and/or on their relationship, his only chance is to try to do his best most of the time. Only sexual encounters infused by a deep, mutual love can fully support the complicated magnitude of a total relationship. I enthusiastically concur with this old saying: "The people who make a difference are not necessarily the ones with the credentials, but the ones with the concern." I was most impressed and pleased when Yale professor Stephen Carter said why he felt the "generally bummed out" reaction to the President Clinton debacle that so many of us will continue to experience. He said that because Bill Clinton, the man, behaved reprehensibly, he should be punished, but not because he's the President. He should be punished because he is a Grownup. Furthermore, we should react with outrage when a friend, stranger, or any chronological adult doesn't act like a Grownup. Professor Carter, a rational, realistic man regarding today's youth, has expressed genuine concern that many or today's children consider themselves consumers of their parents' services. When did we turn the control and decision making over to the children? When a relationship is all but void of politeness, I warn clients that human nature also hates a void. I urge them to watch for the onset of one or both in the partnership becoming critical, which can be deadly. Both must constantly monitor their thinking patterns and statements to themselves, as much as they analyze their partner. We mustn't get too complacent about the enormous power of the trite statement "Money Talks." Just when I was safely in denial again about such things as Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls being fined only pocket change and given a couple days off because he kicked a complete stranger in the groin, I again turned to the Sports page. By golly, I saw where the Boxing Board had determined Mike Tyson was "mentally fit" to return to the ring, but he must quit biting people while boxing, or negative consequences could again arise. The idea of being loved by or loving everyone is exhausting. One of love's consummate powers is exclusivity. It nurtures one's identity. An example of joie de vivre is an 83-year-old man, who has outlived two wives, marrying a 37-year-old young woman and buying a house close to a school. It's fun to be generous and helpful to another. But only it you can afford it. I have been asked several times how I might describe my achieving such a rewarding, full marriage. Besides luck, I am fortunate that my mate is eminently fair. She neither wants nor requests perfection. Rather, she wants me to be as good as I can he. "There are times we have to sink to the bottom of our misery to understand truth, just as we must descend to the bottom of a well to see the stars in broad daylight." This sage example of a coping technique was stated by Victor Havel. Two of the most cold blooded types of men who physically abuse "their woman" have been labeled the "Pit Bull" and "The Cobra." Although they differ in the frequency and way they abuse, (the Cobra may even manifest a decrease in blood pressure and heart rate as he begins his work), they are both afraid of being left by the woman. Discrimination and exploitation get a lot of baa press that is neither legitimate nor appropriate. Industrial Psychology clearly demonstrates that treating everyone the same can be one of the worst forms or discrimination. People do not behave the same way, nor are they equally productive. Treating them the same fails to evaluate the merit or individual behavior. From the innumerable court-mandated adult and adolescent groups I have led, I conclude that if there be a primary drug that will precipitate our society's demise, it is "crank" (methamphetamine). "If the shoe fits, find another one just like it." — George Carlin. Those in an organization who do not exploit their resources fully and do not enter a collaborative effort to combine and economically use these resources are managerially irresponsible. People working in the alcohol and drug field will always have a job. After all, drugs are magic. People use drugs to get where they want to be without having to work for it. For some this is the ultimate, particularly since the negative consequences are delayed. I have discovered that attempting to write a boo is a great deal like being a woman's eighth husband. I know what to do, I just don't know how to make it exciting. Often when some people I know quite well announce they are "burned out," it's all I can do to refrain from responding: "That's amazing. I never saw you on fire." Guileless children process cues literally and rationally. They can spot whether an adult is trustworthy and fair, and some can make that determination from a couple hundred yards. Consider yourself lucky if your problems are psychological rather than physical. If a nerve is severed, part of your body won't work, perhaps ever again. If you have a psychologically-based impairment, you have a good chance of resolution, often by simply looking in the mirror and working on what you let yourself see. To radically affect adolescent atmosphere and dynamic, I urge them to ask this question of themselves and attempt to answer it: "What is it about 'wrong' that you don't understand?" Phrased in their own confrontational style, it forces them to address the difference between what they consider fair and the jive they often deliver about being picked on. To have a big sister is to have it made. If you're good guy, she'll tell you crucial stuff like how to dress and what girls like about boys and how to get to know them. Another neat thing about a big sister is she's often not ready when her date comes. You not only get to talk to one of the big high school guys, but he wants you to like him so he's nice to you. And if your sister is really late, you can play pool with him in the basement for a quarter. You never know if he threw the game or not, but who cares? You get your quarter. Here's an old saw: "No one ever forgets where they buried the hatchet." A professor once distinguished between a psychologist and a psychiatrist this way: "A psychologist arrogantly tries to help individuals and identity their problem behaviors, whereas a psychiatrist goes to the Folies-Bergere and looks at the audience." Conflict resolution is only possible when the parties realize in which domain the disagreement lies: interests, values, or needs? Each domain has its own life and generates different behavior. "They" say we should do this or that and tell us what is right or wrong, good or bad. Whoever "they" are, "they" can't be trusted. "They" waited until I was 27 before telling me I hit my sexual peak at 18. One of my University of Maryland professors explained plagiarism: "If you steal from one person's work, it's plagiarism, if you steal from several, it's called research." He later admitted he got that statement from Wilson Mizner. I hear of only three age groups now: Young, Middle Aged, and You're Lookin' Good. As we pass through middle age, we suddenly and inexplicably lose our train of thought on occasion. This is called "a Senior Moment," or, better yet, "Cognitive Slippage." Most abused people experience three feelings that can be represented by the acronym FOG: Fear, Obligated or Obliged to accept mistreatment, and Guilty for not being better, smarter or more grateful. While chaperoning a high school dance with my wife, I saw this great statement on a teacher's door: "What I do today is important. I will use a day of my life, so the cost is very high." During in-service training sessions, The Hospice Organization advised that most dying people want to be able to say five things to those close to them: I forgive you, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you, and Good-bye. During the "Whitewater" investigation, Ellen Goodman suggested that Kenneth Starr shifted from "obligation, to opportunity, to obsession," which made all the difference. It's fine to question whether or not you are a Winner, but be cautious about considering yourself a Loser. British writer John Drummond, born 1934, said, "The arts are not just instantaneous pleasure—if you don't like it, the artist is wrong. I belong to the generation which says if you don't like it, you don't understand and you ought to find out." Like the quantum in physics, the human psyche is the only energy remaining after a human or chemical relationship has been exhausted. Robert Orben suggests you live your life so that if someone says "Be Yourself," it’s good advice. After seven years as a rehabilitation hospital clinician, I left hospital practice fatigued by the heartache and endless struggle or those who must go through a radical "self image restructuring" after devastating trauma that often shatters the family constellation. I returned to university teaching and counseling to work with those I first referred to as "normal people with normal problems." I found that only the magnitude of injury varies in physical or psychological pain, not the dynamics of coping and the processes of recovery. Many years ago I had to acknowledge I was unable to always practice what I preach. If I could, perhaps I'd be dangerous. It's intriguing and incongruous that Dr. Sigmund Freud: 1. was greatly favored by his mother, particularly over any female sibling; 2. became addicted to cocaine and later retracted some of his writing about its miraculous value; 3. was turned down by a university when he applied to be an assistant professor; 4. made sweeping statements about human behavior, yet used as his samples mentally ill and psychotic individuals; 5. died of cancer of the jaw. Most curious, to those of us working in the field of psychology. "To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination." George Jean Natkan (1882 - 1958), U.S. Critic. I think it was easy for Nathan to say that until 1958, and easier then for me to agree wholeheartedly. Since the advent of gratuitous violence, sexual or not, I really can be grossed out and offended. We teachers and therapists may have a head start in amassed data, but the learners have a clear start unencumbered by the fences we build when the thrill of being corrected becomes the threat of being corrected, when ego outweighs the thirst for knowing more of the truth. Whether it be interpersonal or environmental, we are not separate from what we destroy. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. A loving glance or other nonverbal signal of affection to your mate from across the room bestows instant power and confidence. WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 1st Paper 2nd Cotton 3rd Leather 4th Fruit & flowers, Silk 5th Wooden 6th Sugar & candy, Iron 7th Woolen & Copper 8th Bronze & Pottery 9th Pottery, Willow 10th Tin 11th Steel 12th Silk & Linen 13th Lace 14th Ivory 15th Crystal 20th China 25th Silver 30th Pearl 35th Coral 40th Ruby 45th Sapphire 50th Gold 55th Emerald 60th and 75th Diamond BIRTHSTONES January Garnet February Amethyst March Aquamarine or mood stone April Diamond or white sapphire May Emerald or green spinel June Pearl, moonstone, agate or alexandrite July Ruby or carnelian August Sardonyx or peridot September Sapphire October Opal, tourmaline or rose zircon November Topaz, topaz quartz or golden sapphire December Turquoise, zircon or lapis lazuli I would like to acknowledge my editor Josephine Jones and book designer Daniel Drumm, who propped me up along the way. Daniel taught me some fascinating stuff about design, did it really well, and also introduced me to the concept and word "palimpsest." That has been fun. In her inimitable style, I'll always recall Josephine kindly and firmly advising me that I had the "interesting tendency to allow my modifiers to step on my point." She can give the soft sell new depth. That too has been fun. Wallace K. Pond has practiced as a licensed psychologist for over twenty years concurrent with his academic and administrative careers: Assistant Professor at the University of Maryland; Director of Training for VISTA Volunteers, Director of Psychology for Idaho Elks Rehabilitation Hospital; and presently while teaching at Boise State University. He also helps others resolve conflicts and deal with anger as an organizational consultant and in his seminars and workshops. He and his wife Barbara live in his hometown of Boise, Idaho, where they enjoy the visits of their seven, soon to be nine, grandchildren.