Throwing a Wobbly
a short story by Stan Nicholls
The bumblebee wheezed.
At least, that's what it sounded like to Vaughan Cramer. But being
only half awake and fully hungover, he wasn't sure.

He blinked into the shaft of watery sunlight cleaving the window and
ran his tongue over arid lips. The experience compared to staring at a
searchlight point blank while rubbing his mouth with emery cloth.

Can insects wheeze? he wondered sluggishly. Probably not. But the
way things had gone recently he was prepared to believe anything.

Cramer shifted slightly. An empty vodka bottle rolled from the bed
and met the carpet with a silken thud. He winced. Pain was an
inadequate word to describe what was going on inside his head.

The bumblebee resembled a black and orange striped ping-pong ball
decorated with pipe cleaners. It looked far too heavy for something as
ambitious as flight. The simple act of walking seemed to present it with
a major challenge. So how the hell it got into the flat and on to the
windowsill was a mystery.

He watched its repeated attempts to climb the side of a flowerpot.
Each time it started to crawl up, its weight and exhaustion sent it
sliding back down. Its continuous buzzing could have passed for the
sound made by an electric shaver. Above, and just beyond reach, the
corpulent plant sagged with excess mass, bloated stalks drooping.

Losing interest, he groped for the TV remote control in folds of
bedclothes. He punched a channel and muted the sound. At the
bottom of the screen the time and date display read 07.53 - E+122.

A film clip showed a busy street. Obese people were struggling to
mount a bus. In the background, stout rush hour travellers waddled to
work. This was replaced by footage of a protest meeting. Thousands
of grossly proportioned demonstrators were crammed into what he
took to be Trafalgar Square. Ample arms held aloft placards and
banners. Another scene appeared. A fat man with the unmistakable air
of a politician, in a smart if bulging three-piece suit, pontificated silently
from behind an imposing mahogany desk.

Then it was back to the studio. Presenters Ricki and Jodie filled the
famous couch, wedged together so tightly they gave the impression of
being joined at their beefy forearms, like overweight Siamese twins.
Rigid grimaces fixed on their plump faces, they were going through the
morning papers, indicating garish tabloid headlines with fingers akin to
pork sausages. She had all the grace and elegance of a barrage
balloon. He was sweating freely.

Cramer almost smiled. There wasn't much to be said in favour of the
present situation but at least it was democratic. As with death and
taxes, there were no exceptions.

Or none proven, he reminded himself.
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