THE CURSE OF THE
          VON
     KRUMPELSTEINS
       AND OTHER
       HORRORS:
      CONTENTS OF
        VOLUME I
                        John Morressy
   In these times When Trilogies Rule the Earth, John Morressy has
kindly done us the favor of synopsizing volume one. Once you finish,
you'll be able to fake your way through any cocktail party conversation
or editorial meeting. Just remember to smile and nod a lot.



   CHAPTER ONE: IN WHICH our hero, with his ragtag band of outcasts,
misfits, undesirables, bums, and loafers, sets out on the quest for the
Magic Thing, despite the chilling prophecy of the Flat Man. A cloaked
figure is seen on the road to Castle Krumpelstein, bearing what appears to
be a large lump of tofu. The meeting between Mme. Brissard and the
infamous Contessa Di Pravity ends in tragedy following an interminable
discussion of free will. Norman reveals the truth about the missing
biscuits. A brief history of the chin, with suggestions for its use.
   Chapter Two: In which a mysterious stranger arrives in Doyle's
Furnace, Ohio, and reveals the six secrets of instant hair loss. Ricardo and
his sister outwit the Slattery twins, save the orphanage, and get Mrs.
Zapinski to the Sorcerer's Institute just in time for George's
transformation. Inside tips on forging Uncle Harry's signature, building a
handy low-cost particle accelerator, investing in successful children, and
turning that dank root cellar into useful attic space, all for under ten
dollars or the amount on Line 44a, whichever is less.
   Chapter Three: In which Sherman Tank, former Agent C21 of SLUSH, is
recalled to service when a TX2D-71B/3(a) manned by renegade
acronymists penetrates BAMNORDOPSIMFAT security and threatens the
meeting of WESNADSUBLIFDIPCOM ministers at CAPCOMSAC HQ,
bringing the world to the brink of tears. The little lost kitten is found
under Mrs. Tureen's porch. Mafouz delights the sultan with tales of The
Magic Eraser and wins freedom for himself and Selima, fairest flower of
Zonguldak (Pop. 36,874) in time for this once-in-a-lifetime vacation in the
Islets of Langerhans, with suggestions on what to pack and whom to leave
behind. The twelve Murphys return to life, having lost all interest in the
ukulele. A simple five-minute quiz will help you determine which of your
neighbors are dangerous sociopaths and which are harmless loonies.
   Chapter Four: In which our hero is born, thanks to a generous grant
from the Ringling Brothers' Foundation. Scenes from his early life,
including the adventure of the seventh teddy bear, the enigma of the
laughing uncle, and the story of Eleanor the purple crayon lady. Pjmq,
Grand Wooxxo of Glippiland, disappears on the third day of the Festival of
Tiny Plastic Spoons, and the Soft People are suspected of plotting
mischief. After a pursuit spanning three continents, D. D. "Spats" Larsen
is rendered helpless by Anita de Groin, Special Operative of the Women's
Defense League. Timmy and Tommy go undercover and stay there, to
everyone's relief.
   Chapter Five: In which Teddy begins school, unaware that he alone
holds the key to the secret of the Whistling Futon, and that the Wet Men
are already on his trail. In a carefully planned move, Edna reveals the Nine
Laws of Spontaneity. Desmond confronts the problem of those unsightly
yellow patches on the lawn while our hero prepares a delicious meal for
twelve for under two hundred dollars, including wine and all gratuities. All
major credit cards are accepted and quickly earn the respect of their
neighbors.
   Chapter Six: In which Kate recounts the legend of the Gumbley girls
and their magic hair dryer and reveals the Sevenfold Way of Flossing. An
excerpt from Chapter LXXVI of High Wind in the Gabardines, a thrilling
tale of adventure, romance, and gastric discomfort aboard a British cruise
ship in the Napoleonic era, with a colorful insert map showing all
duty-free ports. With the help of the pookah, Irma discovers the missing
biscuits and clears Norman from suspicion, to the chagrin of Larsen's
henchmen. Jean-Pierre delivers a lengthy paper on the nature of reality
before leaving to inform Prince Wolfgang of his bootmaker's treachery.
Maude arrives at the State School for the Plain, where she wins the
coveted award for Most Astonishing Potholder.
   Chapter Seven: In which little Grumbeletta encounters Prince Wolfgang
and dances the dance of the disoriented milkmaids. He is enchanted by
her grace and beauty, but when his comrades taunt him about chasing
milkmaids, he rides into the forest, laughing callously. Little Grumbeletta
does an exhausting series of fouettes and expires. The Omadhaun of Space
escapes the neutron storm, dodges an unfriendly asteroid, and lands safely
on Witherworld, where the entire crew cheerfully undergoes a sex change.
Off the Irish coast, Harry and Oliver confront the Spanish fleet in the
climactic battle of the war. On the French coast, the light gleams and is
gone. So is Walter.
   Chapter Eight: In which our hero meets his match and is not
impressed. Little Grumbeletta appears to Prince Wolfgang in a dream,
accompanied by the spirits of angry shepherdesses who suffer severe lower
back pain from attempting to do the dance of the disoriented milkmaids
without proper training. Terence subjects them to a long analysis of the
bond market. The school bully kidnaps the faculty on the eve of Open
School Day and demands as ransom twelve useful tips on window
treatments. A mysterious telegram arrives. Little Tim loses it, but it is
recovered with the aid of Mitzi Pizzicato, plucky second violinist of the
Histrionic Philharmonic. A thing of beauty is a joy for thirty days, with no
obligation to purchase. Lamont reveals his true identity to Paula, who
then reveals her true identity to Morton, who has no true identity and
complains bitterly to Edna, who runs off with Walter, who has just
returned.
    Chapter Nine: In which the Nose Fiend of Dusseldorf is brought to bay
by Inspector Flimme of the Sureti after a breathless chase through the
sewers of Paris and a deadly game of Hide-the-Monkey in the upper levels
of the Eiffel Tower. Jane returns home after an eleven years' absence to
find the dishes, and Michael, lying unwashed in the sink. The spirit of a
pharmacist appears to Betty and Bobby and reveals the way to the
enchanted car wash. They find themselves in the Kingdom of the Fubbies,
where they learn the importance of brewer's yeast in a healthy diet, and
little else. Morton discovers his true identity and puts it back untouched.
  Chapter Ten: In which Belle Bottom, sweetheart of the fleet, rejects the
advances of Ensign Benson and enters a nunnery, where she records a hit
single. Pjmq reappears. About to reveal the reason for his disappearance,
he disappears before he can speak. Unable to sleep, hunt, or button his
doublet, Prince Wolfgang slips from his castle disguised as a portmanteau
and makes his way to America, concealing in his lining the family recipe
for low-calorie tofu Black Forest cake, known as the Curse of the Von
Krumpelsteins. With the aid of their Swiss Army toothpick, Pierce and
Lance overcome their guards and escape from the alien spaceship with
convincing proof of Fermat's last theorem. The Hardy Boys meet the
Gibson Girls. Together they organize a musical to raise funds for the new
gym. Jim absconds with the funds and three of the Gibson Girls, but they
get no farther than Doyle's Furnace, Ohio, before there is a falling out in
which Nellie Gibson sprains her wrist. As a result, her sisters marry
identical twins named Donald.
   Chapter Eleven: In which beautiful Magda Spilova, penniless but proud,
arrives at Ellis Island on a cold February morning in 1903 to begin a saga
of four generations of tiresome people, a tale of greed, wealth, and haute
couture soon to be an endless mini-series. Jim comes out of the closet to
watch. Ernestine goes in, turning the cramped, gloomy space into a
cheerful mother-in-law apartment for under ninety-nine dollars (utilities
and mother-in-law not included). Tragically mistaking Custer's last stand
for Fermat's last theorem, Pierce is lanced and Lance is pierced. Jean
shares her ten exciting uses for sun-dried sherbet and an examination of
its role in gaining, losing, and lifting weight. Maude, now an
internationally famous designer of celebrity potholders, gives it all up to
become a medical missionary to the golfers of Palm Springs.
   Chapter Twelve: In which Cleophase Wohoon, pampered darling of the
Old Confederacy, rejects the honorable love of Dewey Lee and dedicates
her life to fainting. Cindi and Luke capture a serial jaywalker and despite
the obstructionist plotting of the McGrungy brothers, discover the true
purpose of Steve. Larry Church and Tom Perdue uncover startling new
information about Marcel Proust's addiction to cross-country tea
dunking.
   Chapter Thirteen: In which a mysterious aloe plant appears in Doyle's
Furnace, Ohio, and passes itself off as three of the Slattery twins. Startling
revelations about the people down the street and their inner tube
collection. Unknown to our hero, Prince Wolfgang returns to the pencil
factory and makes a series of long-distance calls to European tofu
suppliers. Under interrogation, Colonel Asaki confesses to freeloading.
  Chapter Fourteen: In which the curse of the Von Krumpelsteins is
accidentally unleashed by Ramjet Singh and turns out to be a blessing in
disguise as Aunt Martha. The genuine will is found in Uncle Harry's trunk,
along with the missing aerialist's costume. Magda rejects the advances of
Prince Wolfgang. Possible origins of the unpleasant odor in Lord Henry's
orangery are examined and immediately discarded. The art show is a
smashing success; Floyd wins the scholarship, but turns it down in order
to marry Hester, who loves Florian. But Florian loves Lorraine, who loves
this easy recipe for a delicious fudge cake that you can make in just three
minutes with nothing but salt, flour, and loss of appetite.
   Chapter Fifteen: In which Desirie and Arnold are reunited and discover
the secret of true love, which they will make available to readers who send
in a stamped, self-addressed envelope crammed with used twenties.
Various Murphys marry, emigrate to Australia, dye their ham appear on
afternoon television to discuss their intimate problems with strangers, go
mad, run for local office, and study the techniques of successful
cartooning. Pjmq reappears once again; he is demoted to Assistant
Wooxxo and as he is being given a severe warning against further
disappearances, disappears. Dennis loses his memory, but Alastair finds it
before his mother returns with the disgusting Mister Turlopp, and the
evening is an unexpected success. Gifford faints upon hearing the name of
his new neighbor. Despite Marshal Logan's order, the boys from the Circle
B ride into Tombstone and find the Slattery twins waiting. To everyone's
astonishment, Mr. Lummison decides to paint his garage.
   Chapter Sixteen: In which, despite a crick in his neck, a flea in his ear, a
lump in his throat, and butterflies in his stomach, our hero confronts a
dog in the manger, a pig in a blanket, a bird in the hand, a fly in the
ointment, a bat in the belfry, the head of a pin, a hair of the dog, the eye of
a needle, a nose for news, the teeth of the storm, a chest of drawers, the
heart of the matter, the arm of the law, the hand of fate, a leg of the
journey, the shank of the evening, the foot of the bed, the butt of the joke,
a knock at the door, the voice of the people, the song of the lark, the top of
the morning, the middle of the road, the side of the angels, the back of me
hand, the bottom of the barrel, a piece of the action, a night at the opera,
a day at the races, a weekend in the country, the height of the ridiculous,
the depth of despair, a wall of silence, a table of contents, the chair of the
committee, a bed of roses, a window of opportunity, a bag of tricks, a box
on the ear, a train of thought, the ship of state, the man of the hour, the
news of the day, the book of the month, the woman of the year, the crime
of the century, Jack in the pulpit and Johnny on the Spot. He girds his
loins, squares his shoulders, and with a smile on his lips, a glint in his eye,
his feet on the ground, his head in the clouds, his back to the wall, a song
in his heart and a spring in his step, puts his nose to the grindstone and
lets George do it.
    Chapter Seventeen: In which the wicked are punished and the good
rewarded, not without many complaints in triplicate on Form 664D/2
filed at this office no later than closing time on August 31. Rain falls on the
parched soil, the snows of winter melt, the song of the lark is heard in the
land, and rivers run to the sea, causing floods in low-lying areas and dense
early morning fog along the Interstate. In a stirring speech from the
gallows, Gaspard reveals the simple phrase that will unlock your hidden
psychic powers, avoid costly furnace repairs, and end unsightly mustache
droop. Heroes come marching home to a grateful nation. Missing heirs
and wealthy uncles turn up unexpectedly at the crucial hour. Lovers are
united. Enemies are reconciled. Neighbors drop in for coffee and delicious
cinnamon buns made from Claudia's secret recipe. The Curse of the Von
Krumpelsteins is lifted at last, revealing twelve exciting window
treatments missing since Open School Day. Children are reconciled to
weeping parents who had hoped to be rid of them. Drab living rooms are
redecorated at a cost to fit every budget. The Magic Thing is returned to
its rightful home, humans and gnomes join hands in friendship, and the
Tooth Fairy is crowned. Sinners repent, criminals confess, poor posture is
corrected, ancient wrongs are righted, lost reputations are restored, and
leaking roofs are repaired. Healthful low-calorie tofu Black Forest cake is
now available to all, thanks to a miraculous new form of cookware
developed for use on uninhabitable planets. Ships survive the storm and
come safely into port; Albert's teeth are whiter than ever; airliners land
with a spunky flight attendant at the controls; trains pull into the station
amid cheering crowds, the Omadhaun of Space returns to Earth packed
with tasteful gifts for the waiting crowds, the roses bloom once more in
Mrs. Humbleton's garden, and storm windows open at the touch of a
finger, making them easier to clean than Uncle Henry. Rex escapes from
the pound and arrives at Timothy's bedside, restoring the child's will to
whine.
   Yet significant questions remain unanswered. Will our hero accept the
challenge of Glenda of the Three Thumbs and join the quest for the Other
Magic Thing, or will he finish school, marry Ida, and manage the family
convenience store? Is Ralph really Sir Charles's long-lost grandmother?
Can Emily ever forgive Rudolph's indiscretion with the gladioli? Will
Tiffany and Dawn make the cheerleader squad? And what about Eugene
and the thumbtacks? Can the little food processor survive the onslaught of
the nutmegs? Will they love you in June as they do in May? Is commercial
real estate the investment opportunity of the decade ? Does it really suit
your active lifestyle? How did the murderer escape from the locked billiard
room of the Slumbottom mansion six years before the crime was
committed? Are you getting enough fiber, exercise, attention, and quality
time with your budgies? Will Jack and Reggie lead the relief column to the
lost oasis of Sidi-el-Shabbi in time to save Raul and Abdul? Will old Ad
Burful's rainmaking machine save the crops? Is there intelligent life
downtown? Should you see your doctor, or is it only gas?
                               —«»—«»—«»—




  Administrivia:
  Style Sheet by the E-Book Design Group
  From "Fantasy and Science Fiction" (May, 2003)
  2003.07.01