WHAT HAS STEPHEN KING DONE?
by Jonathan Lowe

December 2

Dear Sir,
While we at Stillwater Press appreciate your considering us as a possible publisher for your "new potential bestseller", we nonetheless find it inappropriate for our audience, which consists mainly of formerly devout Catholics in search of inner peace as they leave the faith to follow humanistic, non-religious lifestyles. In other words, we do not publish advice or self help books purportedly rendered by fictitious and/or mythic gods or goddesses. Your suggested title ZEUS COMES OUT, while amusing, would hardly resonate with our readers, nor would any of the other titles which you propose for the book, such as THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ZEUS, or ZEUS ON MARS--AND VENUS, or ZEUS VISITS MAIN STREET--AND WALL STREET, and especially not CHICKEN SOUP, ANYONE?--FAVORITE RECIPES FROM MT. OLYMPUS. No doubt you will try all the major publishing houses with your "new potential bestseller" under these and other titles, but they will turn you down too. How do I know this? Because you cite Stephen King¹s last non-fiction bestseller, ON WRITING, as your inspiration. A book which tells everyone in the world that they should be writers too. But I must ask you, sir, does the world really need more writers, or more readers? 
Normally, when a publisher rejects a book, it returns the book with a pre-printed form rejection letter or slip, sometimes of pastel color, saying what I am saying here: ie., that it "doesn¹t meet our needs at this time". I am taking the time to write you this letter because you may not be getting the message, even after receiving a sufficient number of such rejection letters to compress into slow burning logs and keep a family of four cozy for their winter in Alaska. What am I saying? Simply that no one is going to publish this book, sir. Do you understand? No one. Not Bantam, not Warner, not HarperCollins, not Aardvark Press of Newark. Not even St. Martins. If you want it published, I suggest calling the 800 number to Vantage Press, and getting out your checkbook. Although I must tell you, even they may be reluctant. For whoever publishes your "new potential bestseller", it will inevitably be used as fill under freeways once it bombs on the thrift shop circuit at ten cents a copy. Somehow I feel the need to emphasize this, and to rephrase it for you. You will never be on the Today show either, sir. Trust me. I know that Stephen King put all these dreams in your head, but I promise you won¹t even be reviewed by the Wickenburg Sentinel or the Clucksbury Gazette. The only radio you will ever be heard on is Channel 14, but only if you happen to own a CB. The truckers who hear you will probably switch to Channel 15, or tune in Waylon Jennings on the AM once they hear whatever title you ultimately arrive at choosing. Am I getting through to you yet? If I didn¹t have a conscience, I would suggest a book doctor or editorial service which will charge you two thousand dollars only to make your manuscript even less marketable, but many of those people are now either in jail or under indictment. Give it up, sir, and get a life! You do not need to do this to yourself. Did you know there are literally hundreds of thousands of bored housewives, plumbers, sales clerks, bartenders, and fruitcake salesmen who, just like yourself, also hope to add "published author" to their name, and are willing to give up their other identities, their free time, their hobbies, their friends, and even their religions to do it? Do you have any idea how many people are writing books and screenplays, many of which are actually good, but which will never, ever see the light of day? And this was BEFORE King's book was ever written. Here¹s the bottom line: if you¹re not famous already, you have a better chance playing the lottery, sir. That¹s the truth, or the Pope's going to be a ball boy at Wimbledon next year. Do you understand any of this? 
We are a tiny press, sir, with a niche audience. By "we". of course, I mean just me and my wife Allison, when she isn't selling real estate or burping the baby. If I thought you had a creamsickle's chance in Hades of having a "potential bestseller" here, do you not think that I would snatch it and buy it instead of using the time I've set aside for cutting the grass to write you this letter? Why am I doing this? I am asking myself this question, now. Call it charity, a favor. You owe me big time, I think, sir. In fact, I've just now decided to do you yet another monumental favor by destroying your manuscript instead of returning it. The U.S. Postal Service and my ex-lawyer Bernie both tell me that anything which I receive unbidden in the mail becomes my property to do with as I please. I can only pray that you do not possess another copy of this "potential bestseller" to continue your charade, and I do not want to know if you do. I will sleep better that way, my service to humanity realized. Someday you will, perhaps, thank me for curing you of this addiction, sir, which can be just as overwhelming and life-consuming as sports addictions or counting one's rosaries. Let us leave the bestseller lists to the famous, the lucky, and moderately gifted, and just get on with our lives, shall we? I see no other way to maintain sanity in an unfair, superficial, and illiterate WWF-watching world.

Sincerely, regretfully, mercifully,
Simon O. Schwartz, publisher 

December 9

Dear Editor,
I've enclosed a copy of the potential bestseller I believe you've been looking for all your life. It's title is, simply, YING AND YANG'S GUIDE TO LIFE AND DEATH. I've been working for 48 hours without sleep or food, and am now satisfied that this is my final draft. It feels complete, and so do I. 

Hopefully yours,
Walter H. Pascot, Jr.

December 15

Dear Mr. Pascot, 
I believe I've seen a manuscript like this recently. The title is different, as are the names of the characters to whom you imbue your bizarre viewpoints on various aspects of family life, the arts, religion, philosophy, and the Survivor shows. I would suggest that you consult an editorial service or book doctor to get your thoughts in line, and I would be happy to suggest one for you. However, we at Hammonds-Rickter Publishing of Omaha will have to decline this {and all future correspondence} from you. Best of luck to you in the future as you continue to pursue your career in plagiarism.

Cordially yours,
Bernard Apperson, editorial assistant {and ex-lawyer}

December 29

Dear Editor,
Enclosed find my manuscript titled THE 12 STEP PROGRAM FOR SPORTS FANATICS. It has the potential to be a bestseller, as you will soon see. Do you have any idea how many people--how many plumbers, bankers, sales clerks, and chimney sweeps are addicted to sports? It is totally insane, what people are doing to themselves. And for what? Just to watch some overpaid "god" or "goddess" toss a ball into a goal? There are other things in life to think about besides sports, and we need to get back to those things. Now, at last, here's help!

Game, Set, and Match?
Walter H. Pascot, Jr.

Jan. 4

Dear Mr. Pascot,
We enjoyed reading the opening to your book, but we here at Dobbs Ford/Honda/Jeep primarily publish car owners manuals and not literary works to be sold in bookstores. May I suggest calling Vantage Press, in your telephone book's yellow pages? Or that you pick up a copy of Stephen King¹s bestseller ON WRITING. Hope that helps.

Best,
Eddie Hatcher, printer's apprentice

PS: Your book's title doesn't seem to match the manuscript you sent us. Not much about sports here, just other stuff. What's wrong with sports, anyway? Did you know Dennis Miller did Monday Night Football?

JAN 18

Dear Editor,
Enclosed find my latest manuscript, titled THE OFFICIAL GANG GRAFFITI FIELD GUIDE. As you know, the symbols found scrawled on buildings and subway cars can sometimes be indecipherable. You can't stop it, so why not try to understand it? Surprisingly, these "young punk taggers" are really misunderstood artists and poetic philosophers with real points of view, which they are trying to express. Craving a meaningful identity and some answers in life, they too deserve to be heard, and deserve to have their language interpreted too. Here in this book everything is explained, allowing both the jogger and streetwalker alike to learn as much as if they had graduated from gang skool in the Œhood. Certainly, given the millions spent on graffiti cleanup each year, this book will be the next bestseller. So. . ..

Whatdayasay?
Wally Pascot, Jr.

Feb. 6

Dear Wally,
I'm afraid the handwriting's on the wall on this one. No go. Nice try, though. Are you aware that we are being sued by nine school districts in four states? It would therefore be inappropriate for us to publish such a book, even if we felt there was any hope the tabloid reading public might buy it. I would suggest you try finding a small press with a niche market for such humor. I've enclosed a case of sample spray paints in case that doesn't work out, but good luck anyway.

Best wishes,
John Cordlandt, VP, Richland Publishing,
a division of Truebright Paint Products

Feb. 27

Dear Editor,
Enclosed find my manuscript, titled THE NEXT BESTSELLER. You will note that I have left off my name from the manuscript. I wish to be referred to as "Anonymous". The novel is about a man who mails letter bombs to publishers, book reviewers, and agents with whom he has--or has not--had dealings with in the past. He is a philosopher, a bit of a poet, and now follows the outline of his last unpublished novel, which is discovered in his abandoned apartment in manuscript form. He is a driven man, with repressed urges and desires--a lonely man with an alcoholic past, and an obsession to be recognized and published at any cost. He wants to be another Stephen King, while calling out for pizza and avoiding family or potential friends. An abused child with limited self esteem, his primary diversion has--indeed--been surfing internet web sites linked to porn and high explosives. But once, late at night, he called out for pizza and got the Oval Office by mistake. The President told him a secret, again by mistake. So now he is in hiding, fearing for his life. Why? Because they have traced his phone call, afraid he will publish what he knows. He is on the run, this sick, twisted killer, but still angry at everyone in general, and the press in particular.

Et tu?
Anon

March. 9

Dear Anon,
We have read your manuscript with great interest. The vivid imagery of the writing is evident throughout, and the anger which forms the motive force behind the plot is incredibly believable. Your main character possesses an original flair for succinct truths and askance moralizing which does not detract from his obsessive compulsion to exact revenge on those who have snubbed him. The novel has all the elements we look for in a story, too, including dramatic tension, intrigue, irony, wit, and insight into the human dilemma. Told with such power and imagination, we wonder what your real name is, and have, in fact, a pool of editors and janitors here who have placed bets that you really ARE Stephen King, or James Lee Burke, Tom Wolfe, Christopher Buckley, or William F. Buckley. Which is it? It is difficult to decide, as your writing possesses elements from all these writers. It is enigmatic and fascinating, too, the references you make to Greek gods, and to gang graffiti, basketball, the Papacy, and the U.S. Postal Service. We are still trying to figure out how all the subplots fit together so well, and how you managed to achieve it. We really believe you have a potential bestseller here, and would like your permission to publish the manuscript in hardcover, and to represent it to a major house for paperback and movie rights. Our standard contract is for fifty percent of subsidiary and foreign rights, but we are prepared to offer you seventy-five percent as your share, if you sign with us within the coming week. Please contact us or have your agent contact us regarding a negotiable advance on royalties. {I see no reason why we cannot talk six figures, here. I will mortgage my house for it, if I have to.} You will not be on Oprah, of course. She doesn't care for writers much anymore, and after all, this is not her kind of book. And you do wish to remain Anonymous, right? But we can almost guarantee a Book of the Month club main selection, and quotes from every big wig in the business, including, perhaps, the President of the United States himself. 
Thank you for submitting your manuscript to my attention. The discolored and soiled envelope really spooked me, I have to admit. Especially since there was no return address, and it had oil stains, and a piece of wire sticking out. But all's well that end¹s well, they say. And yours does end well. Very well, indeed, sir. 

Gratefully, respectfully yours,
Thomas F. Sinclair, President
Aardvark Press

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