We exited together. The twins were dressed in the drab castle livery which served to enhance the marquez's and my Bnery. We were impressively eye-catching, a sartorial symphony of feathered hats, bullion waistcoats, sweeping cloaks, and thigh-high boots, everything the peasantry expected a grandee to be. This might give us a chance to score points with the bureaucrats—as well as helping to conceal a choice bit of weaponry.
  The copter was shining new and well maintained—-no leaking hydraulic pipes here! As proud as de Torres was of the old technology, he was not loath to use shoddy electronics and weak little motors when they suited his needs.  In truth, the jet motors of the copter were anything but weak. We hurtled up to cruising altitude and barrelled off towards the eastern coast. The marquez had a grim look as he planned ahead.
  "If we go to the heliport we will have immense difficulties getting  past  the  city  walls  and  on  to  the  Presidio, where the registration must take place." "What is this Presidio where we have to go?" "An ancient fort, traditional seat of government of the kings ofParaiso-Aqui. Alas, now occupied by the usurper." "Can we land there?"
  "It is forbidden. But Zapilote goes there by copter all the time, landing in Freedom Square just outside." "Good enough for him, good enough for us. The worst they

can do is give us a parking ticket. " "The worst they can do is shoot us," de Torres said gloomily.
  "Cheer up!" I pointed to the small case I was carrying. "In addition to all the documents, there are a few items in here to help us fight back. Nor are the twins completely unarmed." "No indeed," Bolivar said, swinging about in his seat and patting himself at armpit and hip.
                          70

           The Stainless Steel Rat for President          71

  "Plenty of heat here," James said, patting as well, as he finished his brother's sentence. "Do we eat before or after the ruckus?"
  "Now. " I passed over a bag of sandwiches I had extracted from the castle kitchen. "I know your appetites. Don't litter with the wrappings."
  "Yes," de Torres said, his mind still on more important things. "We land in the square. They won't be expecting that." "But will they be expecting us at all?"
  "Undoubtedly. They will have us on radar long before we arrive. "
  "Then let us not make it easy for them. A little misdirection is in order. If we were to land at the heliport how would we get to the Presidio?" "I would radio ahead for a car and driver to meet us." "Then do that—right now. The car goes to the heliport, so do the troops—and we land in the square. The pilot takes off

as soon as he has set us down and goes on to the heliport where he is supposed to be. The pressure will be off at the heliport by that time. So he can land, then send the car to the Presidio to pick us up when we come out. " He grabbed up the radio controls with alacrity. "An excellent plan, Jim, which I will put into effect this instant." After that it was just waiting. I dozed in the chair, not so much to demonstrate my nonchalance before battle but rather to catch up on the sleep I had missed the night before. I didn't need a prognostication machine to tell me that it was going to be a busy day.
  "Landing in about a minute. Dad. Thought you would like to know."
  "And right you are, James," I said, snapping my eyelids

open and yawning. I did some muscle stretching and tensing as we floated over the outskirts of a good-sized city and down towards the white strip of a heliport. Just beyond it was an ancient city wall, penetrated now by modern roads. It all looked quiet. Perhaps too quiet.
  "Full power—nou>\" de Torres called out, and the pilot kicked in the throttle.
  We arched up over the wall, skidded across the rooftops and whipped about in a sharp turn around a great and gloomy fortress. Obviously our target. The few pedestrians in Freedom Square fled in panic from the downblast of our jets. We

72           The Stainless Steel Rat for President

hit and bounced and my boys bailed out, one to each side. They helped the old folks down, slammed the doors—and the copter was up and away almost before the locals knew we had arrived. Then, with the marquez leading the parade, we quick-marched across the square towards the entrance to the Presidio.
  Our first problem was so slight that we scarcely noticed it. A beribboned junior officer popped out from between the gates and barred our way.
"It is illegal to land in the square. Do you realize . . ." "I realize I want you out of my way, little man," de Torres said in the coldest of tones, hundreds of generations of noble lineage vibrating from every word. The officer gasped and paled and practically wilted aside. We marched on. Up the steps and into the entrance hall. The official behind the desk there leapt to his feet at our approach.
  "Where is the registration for the presidency election taking place?" de Torres demanded.
"I do not know, excellency," the man gasped.
  "Then find out," de Torres said, picking the man's phone off the desk and handing it to him. He had no choice other than to obey. Beneath the blaze of the marquez's gaze he

even managed to get the right answer.
"The third floor, excellency. The lift is there . . ," "The stairs are here," I broke in, pointing the way. "There could be an accident, the power cut perhaps."
 "Perhaps." The marquez nodded agreement and off we stamped.
  We had actually penetrated to the right office and obtained the correct registration forms before the opposition arrived in strength. I was already scratching away at the forms when the door crashed open and a crowd of nasties pushed in. They

wore black uniforms, black caps and black glasses. Their fat fingers were close to the butts of their long black pistols. I had no doubt at all that I had finally met the dreaded Ultimados, the dictator's personal murder squad. They opened their ranks and a potbellied officer in full dress uniform pushed his way through. His wrinkled face was livid with

rage, his ancient, yellowed fingers scratched at his holstered pistol. The opposition had arrived.
"Cease what you are doing at once!" he ordered. The marqu6z turned slowly towards him, cold lips at full

             The Stainless Steel Rat for President         73

sneer. "Who are you?" he asked with an insulting mixture of boredom and superiority.
  "You know who I am, de Torres," Zapilote screeched, the frog mouth drawn into an angry line. "What is that bearded moron attempting to do?"
 "That gentleman is my grandnephew Sir Hector Harapo, Knight of the Beeday, and he is filling out the application form as a candidate for the presidency of this republic. Is there any reason that he shouldn't?"
  General-President Julio Zapilote had not ruled this planet for all the years by accident, I watched as he opened his mouth—then closed it again and took control of his temper. The color faded from his cheeks to be replaced by a far more dangerous icy calculation.
  "Every reason," he said, his control matching that of de Torres. "Registration does not open until tomorrow. He can return then."
  "Really?" There was no warmth in de Torres's smile. "You should pay closer attention to the operation of the congress. They amended the law this morning so that registration not only opened today—but closed today as well. Would you like to see a copy of the legislation?" He moved his hand towards his breast pocket. Pure bluff and masterfully done. Zapilote shook his head sharply.
  "Who would doubt the word of a man of your rank? But Sir Hector cannot register without a birth record, doctor's certificate, voting registration . . ." "Alt in here," I said, holding up the case and smiling.
  I could almost see the thoughts being ordered in that evil brain. The silence lengthened. His first legal plan was now in ruins since the registration was being made. That left violence as his only remaining option. By the look in that serpentine eye I could see that he was actively considering it. If he could have eliminated us all instantly on the spot, without there being any public knowledge of the deed, I am sure he would have done it. But there had been too many witnesses to our arrival; the marquez was too public a figure for him to get away with that. Only the nobodies vanish in secrecy in a police state. The silence stretched and stretched—and then he waved his hand in dismissal.
  "Complete the application," he ordered me, then turned to de Torres. "And what is vour interest in this matter. Gonzales?

74          The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Does your grandnephew need his hand held and his nose wiped?"
  The marqu6z made no mention of the obvious insult of the

use of his first name. His calm matched that of the dictator's. "Neither hand-holding nor nose-wiping, Julito." He used the diminutive as a deliberate slap in the face to Zapilote. "I

come as his partner. I am standing for the office of vicepresident. In due course both of us will be elected, after which

we will see to it that your filthy administration is brought low at last."
  "No man talks to me like that!" "The artificial calm was gone, and Zapilote was quavering with rage, his fingers clutching tightly onto his gun butt. ~
  "I talk to you like that because I am here to see to your destruction, little man."
 The marquez was as angry as Zapilote now, despite the calmness of his tones. Neither of them was going to back down, that was obvious. Death and destruction were in the air.
 "Perhaps you can aid me with this application," I said, stepping between them and waving the sheets of paper before Zapilote's face. "Since you are President you should know . , ." "Step aside, fool," he screeched, pushing at my arm which, however, didn't push too well. We swayed and stumbled and the papers flew up into the air. Raging, he struck me with his fist—full in the face.
  With no effect, of course. I rocked with the feeble blow, and was obviously unharmed by it. I looked down at him in bewilderment, then shrugged and bent to pick up the papers.
  "Well if you don't know I'll just have to ask someone else," I said as I shambled off.
  This bit of nonsense had cleared the air, Zapilote had been distracted, while de Torres had the intelligence to realize what I had done. He turned his back and returned with me to the counter.
  "I shall not forget that, Jim," he said, so quietly that only I could hear. "You have saved me from myself." Then aloud, "Let me aid you. Sir Hector, these government forms can be tortuous."
  Zapilote might very well have shot us in the back. But I counted upon my sons to handle that possibility if it should arise.  He didn't try.  Instead there was a mutter of orders being issued and I looked around to see that the confironta-

             The Stainless Steel Rat for President         75

tion was over and that he was leaving. As the door closed behind the last of his Ultimados I let out the breath that I had not realized I was holding.
  "You are right," de Torres said. "Politics can be fascinating. Now let us complete these boring forms and leave." There were no more interruptions. We scratched away at the applications until they were done, had them stamped and endorsed and took our copies for safekeeping. The first step had been completed. We walked slowly away and back down the stairs with the boys strolling behind as rearguards.
  "This is just the beginning," de Torres said. "We now have

a murderous enemy who wants us dead as well as defeated." "Correct. And my feelings are that he is going to do something desperate, and soon. He'll never have us in this exposed

a position again." "He wouldn't dare!"
 "He would indeed, Marquez. You're not on your home ground now. It would be extremely easy to kill us before we leave the city. An angry mob might be to blame, or an assassin who would be killed afterwards. Zapilote would then make all the sympathetic noises and we would be out of the

way forever. I guarantee that the story will be a good one. " "Then what should we do?"
  "Exactly what we planned. Take the car to the heliport. This little mob will not be as easy to take out as all that. But let's move fast, give him as little time to plan as is possible." I didn't bother to tell de Torres that our transportation was the next worry. I was relieved to see that a large and luxuri-

ous limousine was waiting at the entrance. But just because it was there did not mean Zapilote was not one jump ahead of us. The driver saluted and opened the rear door.
  "Bolivar," I said. "Take that man aside and give him a large

sum of money. You will drive."
  As the bewildered driver was led away by a strong grip on his elbow, I took a small device from my bag and handed it to James. "Run it around the car, will you. It can sniff out

any kind of explosives, no matter how well sealed they are." He slithered under the vehicle like a snake, emerging at the far end a few moments later. "Clean as a whistle," he reported. "Let's see what's under the hood." He ran it along the join in the metal—then stopped. Frozen. He bent over and looked at the fastenings, then slowly opened them. A few

76         The Stainless Steel Rat for President

seconds later he emerged and stood up with a plastic container in his hand.
  "Clumsy," he said. "Wired to the brake pedal. First time the brakes are applied—wharnmo. But there were no attempts to disguise it, nor is it fitted with booby traps or any other kind of security device."
  "They were in a hurry. They won't make that mistake a second time. Let's go."
  "Wow," Bolivar said from the driving seat as he engaged the throttle. "This thing runs by steam. I'll need directions. Are we still going to the heliport?"
  "Unless there is another way out of town," I said. The marqu6z shook his head.    •*
  "We are not safe for a moment here. All roads will be blocked and we can count on no one in the city for help." "To the copter then. By the shortest route if you don't mind."
  The marquez shouted directions and Bolivar drove like a demon. Pedestrians scattered before us as we barreled straight down the middle of the road. We screeched tires around a final turn and there was the city wall ahead. There was a barrier blocking the gate, armed guards with ready weapons stationed at each side of it.
  "We've no time for conversation," I said. "Bolivar, slow as though you were going to stop. James and I will use the sleeping gas bombs." I dug a handful from my bag. "No time for the noseplugs—so just hold your breath. When the bombs

go—we go! Get ready."
  The car slowed before the barrier, then shot forward as the

gas bombs exploded into dense clouds of smoke. There was a crunch and a bang and bits of the barrier flew in all directions. Then we were through and picking up speed. If any shots were fired we didn't know it. A screaming two-wheel turn took us around the corner and there was the heliport directly abead. And our copter.
  Which was on fire, with the dead pilot hanging out of the door.