Angelina and I had no chance to speak together until we

were in deep space. Before that, lowbrowed policemen were thick about us at all times, lacking over our shoulders as we packed, then whisking us away as soon as the bags were closed. The departure of a cruise ship was held for over an hour until we arrived. It took off as soon as we were aboard. Once the acceleration was over I poured myself some hundredproof nerve tonic, then used the detector in the camera to

sweep our cabin; it was clear of bugs.
"It's clean," I said. "Did you make the midnight meet?" "You told me that you were contacted by one of the locals." Angelina's voice was chilled to about four degrees Kelvin. "You forgot to mention that this local was also a highly attractive and concupiscent young woman. "
 "My love! You wrong me. I saw her for a few moments only. Nothing more!"
 "There better be nothing more. I know all about your over-sexed libido, Jim diGriz. Lay one finger on her and I'll cut it off." "Agreed, not a finger. Now please tell me what happened." "I took the walk along the beach. She was hidden at the edge of the jungle. She called to me, asked me if I had read the note. I repeated the message and let her know that you

were otherwise engaged. So she told me the story. Her name is Flavia and she is a member of what she admits is a poorly organized resistance movement. They are powerless to even protest. As fast as they organize they are penetrated and captured. Imprisoned or killed. Their only hope is to make their plight known to the galaxy at large."
  "I'm afi-aid the galaxy already knows—and doesn't really care."
  "I neglected to tell her that. She was so happy that I would be taking their message to other worlds. Five pages of it. She
                         30

             The Stainless Steel Rat for President         31

was very impressed when I memorized it after reading it once. " "In the dark?"
  "Shut up. It was written in luminescent ink. And very depressing reading it made too. One of the reasons that the other planets don't care about politics here is because the government superficially appears to be a democracy. Every four years there is an election for president. The only thing wrong with this arrangement is that the election is rigged and General-President Julio Zapilote always gets reelected. He is serving his forty-first term now . . . " "He must be two hundred years old!"
  "He is. Geriatric treatments. He is backed by a bunch of military thugs who keep the population in line. A typically polarized situation with all the power concentrated in his hands. A few very rich at the top who run everything, with the starving and practically enslaved masses at the bottom. With a small middle class in between."
  "That has to change," I said, pacing the cabin and thinking rapidly.
"I agree. But it won't be easy." "Everything is easy for the man who saved the universe!" "Twice," she reminded me.
"That's the truth. I am going to go back there . . ." "Say we. The boys and I need a holiday too." "We, of course, my love. And your two strapping sons as well.  Did Flavia give you any reason why they tried to contact me?"
  "The guide, Jorge, told them about you and your interest in the workings of their society. "
  "Fine. If we have to contact them again we can do it through Jorge. And contact them we will! A man was killed trying to bring me a message about their planet. And having seen the planet I can understand why. I intend to go back there. And in addition I have a score to settle with a certain Captain Oliveira, the one who arrested me."
  She frowned murderously. "If he touched a single hair on

your head I'll kill him. Painfully."
  "Wonderful wife! Don't worry, I'll take care of the captain. You can concentrate on freeing the rest of the planet." "Sounds like a good idea. Do you have any idea of how you

are going to do it?"
  "No. But that has never stonned me in the nast. We will

32          The Stainless Steel Rat for President

equip ourselves and return and I'm sure that I will think of something." "Shall we invade them? Get a mercenary army together?" "Something a little more subtle is in order. We'll bore from within, as a stainless steel rat should. And I already have

some ideas how we are going to do that!"
  Needless to say, the twins were delighted by the idea. James was leading a zoological expedition to capture poisonous specimens on the fog-shrouded, horror-planet Veniola that creeps in its orbit around the ghoulish star Hernia. As soon as word reached him he caged his last specimen and headed home at full blast. He arrived just a little ahead of Bolivar who had been doing research into prison reform. He had been imprisoned in the escape-proof prison on Helior, from which he instantly escaped when my message was smuggled to him. Young appetites always need nourishment, so I waited patiently as they consumed one of their mother's excellent nine-course meals before they joined me in my study. "There is something about you different. Dad," James said.
 "Very observant, brother," Bolivar said. "Seeing as how

our dad now has dark skin, black hair and moustache, dark eyes, a new jaw and different cheekbones." "And also speaks a new language," I said in perfect Espanol.
  "Sounds nice," James said. "Easy to understand, a little like Esperanto."
  "By morning you will have splitting headaches and be speaking it yourselves. A few hours with the language indoctrinator will jam it into your skulls."
  "Then what? Thanks Morn," Bolivar said added as Angelina brought a tray with filled wine glasses into the room.
  "Then we are off to Paraiso-Aqui where they ferment this fine wine." We all sipped and smacked our lips with pleasure. "The name of this world means Paradise Here, and we will

see if we can't make that name come true at last." "How?" Angelina asked, and not for the first time.
  "I'll think of something when we are on the spot.  Meanwhile I have made plans to return there in style. If you will look at that . . ."
  I pressed the button that rolled up the wall, revealing the adjoining workshop. A large and rather battered touring car

was revealed.
"Doesn't look like much," the ever-truthful Bolivar said. "Thank you. That was my intent. It is an exact duplicate of

             The Stainless Steel Rat for President         33

a car I photographed on Paraiso-Aqui. Resembling the original in every detail . . ."
  "But containing a number of details the original never contained!" James said.
  "Smart lad. Careful! Don't press any buttons or switch any switches until I have explained how they work. The real vehicles like this on Paraiso-Aqui are powered by something called an infernal combustion engine. It is unbelievably complicated and inefficient. Good sugar cane is wasted to make ethyl alcohol, instead of being used sensibly to produce ron, which is then poured into one end of the engine. Water

vapor and poisonous gas come out of the other. Horrible. Therefore our car is powered by a small atomic engine. This also energizes the lasers built into the headlights, powers the gun positions, works the radar to aim the mortars. You know the sort of things."
  "We certainly do!" Angeli'na said, smiling happily. "What is the next step?"
  "Final preparations. In two days we will all be rested and refreshed, darker of skin and hair, and speaking Espanol with

a native fluency. A Special Corps spacer, with all of the latest electronic detection and avoidance gear, will pick up us and

our car and transfer us to Paraiso-Aqui. They will leave us there, alone and defenseless . . ." "Hardly!" Bolivar said.
  ". . .  thousands  of light-years  from  the nearest friendly planet. Four lost souls against an entire world. Four friendless people pitted against the might of a planet-wide dictatorship. I feel sorry for them . . ." "Do you mean the dictatorship, not us?" Angelina asked.
  "Of course! The wine then. We drink to their downfall and the beeinnine of a new life for Paraiso-Aaui."