I let him get both hands on the book before I reached out and grabbed his rather prominent nose and gave it a strong tweak. For no reason other than sadism, I am forced to admit. He roared with rage, revealing a mouth full of crooked teeth badly in need of dental attention. Then his mouth closed, as did his eyes, as he dropped heavily to the floor. A strong finger jabbed firmly into the nerve ganglion of the solar plexus will produce instant unconsciousness. I turned

away from the scene of this minor triumph to find one of the locals, in hotel staff uniform, standing behind me. Eyes like

saucers, mouth slightly agape.
  "He must have been very tired to fall asleep like that," I said. "But this planet is so relaxing. I want to buy this book. " He biinked down at the cover and found his voice. "I am sorry, but that is not one of our books."
  Now it was my turn to blink. "It must be. I saw the other clerk take it from the shelf. " "There is no other clerk. Just myself."
  Realization penetrated. I shrugged and turned to leave. No clerk and no book. I had been set up, that was obvious. And

as soon as sleeping beauty recovered the minions of the law would be howling on my tail. How nice of them to supply

some diversions for me on this boring holiday world. Angelina was just slipping into a bathing suit when I returned, which instantly triggered my libido. After a brisk session of kissing and smooching she gently pushed me away.
  "We must go on holiday more often if it will bring out the healthy beast in you like that. What is the book?" "Nothing at all. I just picked it up. Let us go for a stroll on the beach so I can see if your swimsuit matches the sand." I produced a roll of the eyes as I said this. She nodded slightly, showing she understood.
"Wonderful. Let me find my sandals."

                         18

           The Stainless Steel Rat for President          19

  We exited in silence and it wasn't until we were walking at the water's edge, far from any of the buildings, that she spoke.
"Do you think the room is bugged?"
  "Don't know. I just didn't want to chance it when I opened this book." I explained what had happened as I found the note and slipped it from between the pages. There were a few brief lines of writing inside it that we read in silence.

The people of this planet desperately need your help. Aid us, we beg. Please walk on the beach alone at 2400 this night.

  There was no signature. I bent and scooped up a handful of water and pulped the note in it, then kicked the shreds into the sand as I walked.
  "I wonder who they are?" Angelina asked. I nodded solemn agreement to this.
  "That is the important question, isn't it? I was obnoxious to the passport official, took photographs of the laboring peasantry—and asked nosy questions. My presence is known. I am contacted. But, as you so rightly ask—by whom? This note could be from the desperate citizens of Paraiso-Aqui, anxious that the galaxy be informed of their plight . . ." "Or it could be a trap set by the security forces to get you into trouble."
  "My thoughts exactly. But I have no choice. Behind the barn at midnight to meet my destiny. Though it may be difficult."
  "Why?" she asked, squinting deliciously up at me in the actinic glare of the sun.
  "Because that heavy is going to come looking for me when he recovers consciousness. We don't know who left the note— but I am certain of the policeman's identity. "
  "Then that takes care of your midnight appointment. When the police come for you, why then you just lead them a merry chase, something I know you always enjoy. And I will keep the appointment in your place." "Dearest! The danger!"
  She smiled warmly and squeezed my arm tenderly. "How sweet! You're worried about me."
  "No, not in the slightest. Just concerned for the safety of this other lot if they try some funny business with you."

20          The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  "Beast," she said, her gentle grip changing to an iron claw that bit deep into my bicep. Then she smiled. "But you're right, of course. Things have been quiet. I rather hope that whoever is coming does try on something funny." "It's settled then." I rubbed at my bruised arm. "Let's get back to the room and order up some food. I don't want to do

a lot of running around on an empty stomach. " The first thing we saw when we came into the room was the unconscious man stretched out on the floor beside the bed, his arms still reaching towards my camera which was resting innocently in the middle of the counterpane.
  "That's number one," I said. "He let himself in to wait for

us, then passed the time by trying to take a look at the camera. Automatic sleeping gas release got him." "Police," Angelina said, going quickly through his pockets. "Identification, gun, blackjack, handcuffs, hunting knife and stun grenades. A very nasty type."
  "Agreed. All is not paradise on Paraiso-Aqui. You had better keep the camera with you. I'll just slip a few items out of it to take with me. Now let us order the food before we have any more visitors."
  Room service was fast and efficient. Within a few minutes the waiter arrived, wheeling in a trolley heavy-laden with succulent goodies. Unhappily two uniformed policemen wheeled in right behind him.
  "Leave this room at once," Angelina said, stepping forward to block their way. "You have not been invited in." The waiter cringed back and I began to quickly slap together a sandwich. It wasn't going to be eat and run—but on the run.
  "Move aside woman," the first blue-jawed and ugly copper said.  If he had left it at that he would have been much happier. But he made the mistake of putting one meaty hand

on her shoulder to push her aside.
  He had time for a single pained shriek, I heard the unmistakable crackle of breaking bone, before he dropped unconscious onto the carpet. The second policeman was drawing his gun as I laid down the sandwich, but before I could reach him he was laid down by his companion. The waiter fled and Angelina, smiling happily, closed the door behind him. I finished a second sandwich, wrapped them both in a napkin, then added a bottle of ron to my lunchtime arrangements.
  "Time for me to leave," I said, bending over the sleeping beauties and touching the backs of their necks with the

              The Stainless Steel Rat for President          21

slaphypo. "I've given them both knockout shots, good for a day at least. We can't have them waking up and identifying

you as their assailant. At least not until after the meet at midnight. "
  I kissed her warmly and a sudden pounding on the door sounded an echo to my osculation.
  "Better find another way out," I said and strolled out onto the balcony. Angelina followed nibbling delicately on a drumstick.  We were twenty stories up,  the wall smooth and unclimbable. No problem at all. "Hold this for a moment, if

you please," I said, handing her my luncheon pack.
  It was the work of a moment to slip over the edge of the balcony, to hang by my hands, to swing and land lightly on the balcony of the room directly below, Angelina dropped the picnic pack into my waiting grasp and blew me a kiss. Things were going well, very well indeed.
  The apartment was fortuitously empty so I seized the opportunity to satisfy my hunger and slake my thirst. I had polished off the last crumb and was nipping delicately at the ron when I heard the key rattle in the door. I belched lightly, reluctantly put down the unfinished bottle, and was flat against the wall behind the door when it opened.
  No tourist here! Two men in military uniform, weapons drawn, came into the room. I waited until I was sure there

were no more coming before stepping out behind them. "Looking for someone?" I asked.
 They spun about, weapons swinging up, growling with

anger. I held my breath and popped the sleep capsule under their noses, then stepped back while they clanked and clattered to the carpet. One of them was about my size which presented me with a very obvious yet still interesting idea.
  My only real complaint was that I would have preferred it if the soldier had bathed more often. When I put his uniform

on over my beach clothes I had a definite fragrance to remember him by. As neat as his uniform was, his undergarments

were a lacework of holes and patches. A soldier's salary could not be very high. But no money had been spared on his equipment. Microradio, ion rifle with a full charge, .50 recoilless sidearm and full refill clips of ammunition. By the time I had put everything into place I looked quite efficiently military. And my skin was tanned to the same color as that of the locals.
  "Well done, Jim, well done indeed," I congratulated myself.

22          The Stainless Steel Rat for President

"The Stainless Steel Rat strikes again, penetrating where no other dares, insinuating himself into the ferroconcrete wainscoting of society. Moving like a ghost, striking like lightning. Fearless and forceful. Great!"
  With my morale heightened by these well-deserved compliments I gave a last adjustment to my uniform and opened the door.
  The doorframe exploded beside my face and bullets crashed and screamed around me.