The Warrior Victorious
By Sharon Green



Chapter 1

The room was extremely clean, but also suffered from other sorts of extremes.
For one thing, it was small and very bare and had no windows or closets or
furniture except for the narrow bed-

For one thing. I stopped pacing and sat on the edge of the high bed, putting a
hand to my head. Ever since Id awakened in that tiny cell of a room my mind
had been acting strangely, flying in all directions trying to get a grip on
the reality Iii been dropped into from somewhere. At least I thought it was
reality, but I wouldn't have bet anything valuable on the possibility. I'd
never seen a room like that before, with nothing in it but a bed, stark white
ceiling and walls, and a warmly resilient matching white floor. Even the bed
frame was rounded and very soft, made of something other than metal, and there
had to be a door somewhere even if I couldn't find it. The light was
artificial and came from nowhere and everywhere, letting me see the thin
white-garment-Id awakened in. The thing had a round neck and sleeves that
almost reached my elbows, but didn't go down any farther than the middle of my
thighs. It closed with a full-length frontal tab and didn't quite show my
otherwise naked body through its thin fabric, but I didn't feel cold in it.
The room was more than warm enough, no drafts and not stuffy and-

"Okay, enough of that," I told myself aloud, the faintest touch of annoyance
easing the terrible fear that had gripped me as soon as I'd opened my eyes.
"You don't know where you are or what's happening, but you should remember
what went on before you reached this point. Start with that, and see if you
can work your way up to the present."

I took a deep breath, realizing I'd given myself good advice, but bringing
back the past might not prove to be done as easily as said. It somehow didn't
feel as clear to me as it should have, and until then I'd been afraid to touch
the fabric of it, half anticipating an immediate crumbling if I did. Right
then I understood I really had no other choice than to try, so I lay down
across the narrow bed and made the effort.

I had no trouble remembering I was Terrilian Reya, a Prime of the Centran
Amalgamation who usually lived on Central. It had been quite some time since
I'd been on Central, I knew that as well, which meant I must have been
elsewhere Mediating for the Amalgamation. Being a Prime Xenomediator meant I
traveled a lot, and I'd been doing it for a fair amount of years. Since the
assignment was obviously over I must have been returned to Central, and that
meant I was also turned off

Turned off. I lay very still as that thought came to me, a thought I couldn't
remember ever having had before, but one I knew beyond doubt was true. I
was-turned off-from the way I was supposed to be, all my abilities taken away,
but once I'd been returned to Central without that having been done. I knew I
had, could almost remember the time, could almost feel how unhappy I'd been
even though almost no one else had known. It had been a special reward, a
reward for having done particularly well, a reward for having accomplished

I strained to remember, my body stiff as though the effort were a physical
one, but I couldn't reach through. My hand closed on a fold of the very clean
bed linen that refused to come free of the bed, the resulting fist trying to
act as an anchor, but it was simply no good. The memory I was after seemed
locked behind a door, and scratching frantically at the door with my
fingernails wasn't doing anything to open it. I needed the key, and that was
one thing I didn't have.

"One thing," I muttered with a snort, finding that the faint trace of
annoyance was growing toward a better supply. I was missing a bell of a lot
more than one thing, and I had the sudden conviction that my memory lapse
wasn't anything other than induced. I could also remember having thoughts
about conditioning, and who I'd been conditioned by. Those who ran Central and
the Amalgamation wanted to make sure they had a tight grip on the empaths who
worked for them, so they'd-

Empaths. This time I sat up slowly, knowing that that was what l was. An
empath. Someone who could read the emotions of others and also soothe or
intensify those emotions, and even pass them on from one person to the next. I
was very important to the people of the Amalgamation, I'd worked long and hard
for them, and now I was about to be given the highest reward possible. I
didn't yet know what that would be, but I would know soon and would be
extremely grateful and delighted.

I was so shocked I couldn't even curse, and without my wanting it to the fear
flared again all along my backbone. The memory I'd just found was crystal
clear, no effort of any sort needed to reach it, and that could mean only one
thing: I was supposed to reach it, and also to believe it. It had been put in
my mind with the same conditioning that had covered what someone didn't want
me to remember, a body of knowledge that would conceivably do him or them
harm. But who could I possibly be a danger to, that they would go to such
lengths to confuse and restrain me?

"They did a really good job on you, didn't they?" I muttered to myself, the
annoyance beginning to return in the company of disgust. If it was the
wonderful Amalgamation I was going to be all that grateful to, who else could
possibly be responsible? I still didn't know why they considered me dangerous,
but that was really a very minor point. A much more major one was that I
shouldn't have known what they were up to, but somehow I did. Maybe that's why
I was dangerous to them, because their conditioning was beginning not to work
on me, and I was able to see behind the imposed facade to get a hint of the
truth. Once I got all of it, the game would be over.

But that couldn't be it. I folded my legs under me and leaned my forearms on
my knees, immediately seeing how wrong that was. If they'd known their
conditioning wasn't working properly they wouldn't have tried using it again,
not with any hope of success. And they did expect it to be a success, the very
simplicity of my brand-new conviction told me that. There was nothing in it
that suggested any possibility of resistance or nonacceptance, nothing that
commanded obedience which might not be forthcoming. I was supposed to believe
without question everything I'd been told, even the part that wasn't
completely accurate. I was an empath, all right, but empaths were able to do
much more than the few trifling things listed in the suggestion. Or, at least,
I could . . . .

I straightened as another thought came to me, one that went quite a distance
toward clearing up some of the confusion. I'd noticed in the first place that
my memories weren't complete because of the half-memories remaining, ones that
dangled without support. I'd also become aware of the conviction because it
wasn't entirely true, just the way you'd notice on a chilly night a blanket
that covered you only from the knees down. It was there but not complete,
present but not right. It wasn't enough to keep you warm, not enough to make
you believe nothing was missing. If the entire blanket had been taken you
might not have known anything was gone, but with the small bit you still
had-as though whoever had taken the rest of the blanket wasn't aware of the
lower part-

Didn't know it was there, and therefore hadn't taken it! The realization
wasn't anything like triumph, but it was enough to give me more than a dash of
hope. The ones in charge of conditioning me hadn't known I wasn't turned off
on my last visit home, so they hadn't suppressed the memory of the time. They
also obviously didn't know I was able to do more than they thought I could, or
the conviction/suggestion would have been complete enough for me to be able to
accept it. All I had to do was figure out what I could remember, make a list
of the blanks, and try to use the list to batter down the door to memory.

"Oh, is that all you have to do?" I muttered, unfolding my legs so that I
could let myself fall back flat onto the bed. Since I knew I hadn't been
turned off on my last visit back to Central as a reward but couldn't remember
what the reward was for, that and where I'd been since were two heavy
candidates for the list. With those for starters I should have been nicely on
the way to remembering it all, but all I could find in my path was the thick
frustration of a dead end. The memories hadn't simply slipped my mind, they'd
been conditioned away, and it was going to take more than finding empty spaces
to bring them back.

"So you are finally back among the living," a voice said suddenly, a female
voice that sounded more arrogant than interested, more imposed upon than
concerned. "I don't want a thousand questions from you, and I certainly won't
allow any crying fits. You'll be told why you're here in due course, and until
then you're to behave yourself. And don't bother putting on any airs, either.
You'll find I couldn't possibly be less impressed with you."

I sat up and turned my head toward the spot the voice was coming from, finally
discovering where the door to that room was hidden. Part of the right-hand
wall had slid back to show something of a corridor beyond, and the woman who
had spoken to me stood directly in the middle of what was now a doorway. She
was my height or possibly a bit smaller, had dark hair tinted with orange, and
wore an expensive Alderanean day suit and short boots of a matching orange.
The makeup on her face was impeccably done, a thick peach with orangy
highlights and black emphasis lines, but I found myself almost as repelled by
that as by her attitude. It was hate at first sight between us, but somehow
that didn't bother me as much as it once would have.

"Of course you could be less impressed with me," I answered, swinging my legs
over the side of the bed and getting to my bare feet. "You could be as
impressed with me as I am with you. If a thousand questions are too many for
you to handle, how about just one: where am IT'

"I told you your questions would be answered later," she came back, a graceful
frown denting her makeup, something like faintly outraged shock in her dark
eyes. "And don't you dare try taking that tone with me, not unless you want to
find yourself in more trouble than you can imagine. I happen to be very
important around here, and no one talks to me that way."

"If you don't even know where we are, how important can you be?" I countered,
moving closer to where she stood. She was shorter than I, by two or three
inches, and for some reason that felt very, very strange.

"Of course I know where we are," she retorted with a snort, raising her head
in a superior sort of way. "We're on New Dawn, and

Her mouth closed again with a snap furious annoyance twisting her face, the
darkening of her skin obvious even under all that makeup. By trying to show
how important she was shed told me something she wasn't supposed to have not
that it did me any particular good. I'd never heard of a planet named New
Dawn, and had no idea what it had to do with Central or the Amalgamation.

"So, we have one who thinks she's really smart," the woman said with a good
deal of fury in her sneer, her right hand closed into a fist, her eyes
smoldering. "We'll see how much good being smart does you once you're
transferred out of here to the main complex. I know all about you, you-Prime,
and once you're with the others you'll spend most of your time trying to
attract the attention you'll need. If you don't attract it you'll spend your
time crying, just the way the other oh-so-smart ones do. Just wait, you'll get
yours."

"Others?" I said, beginning to get really confused again. "What others are you
talking about? What is going on here?"

"I thought I told you not to bother me with questions," she replied with a
smug, vindictive look, then took a step back, out into the corridor partially
visible behind her. "The director has time for you now, and maybe he'll feel
like telling you things. If you behave yourself and ask him nicely. Or maybe
not, after I tell him how I feel about it. Probably not, since he usually
listens to me, but you'll see that for yourself. Come along right now, you've
wasted enough of my time."

She took her self-satisfied smirk up the corridor to the left, apparently not
caring whether I followed or not. I had the oddest feeling I'd been treated
that way before, by another woman in another place who had expected me to
follow just because she told me to, and the memory wasn't one I enjoyed. I
looked down at myself and the-thing-I was wearing, compared it to what the
woman had on, and the odd feeling hadn't changed. The situations weren't the
same, only somewhat alike, but were enough like one another that I walked out
into the corridor filled with a very unusual, unexpected anger.

My new surroundings weren't much like the room I'd awakened in; the corridor
was a very pale green instead of white, and there were no beds in sight. Aside
from those things, however, there was a distinct similarity in that there were
still no windows and artificial light lit our way. The woman led me past quite
a few closed and silent doors, her pace rather slow where she walked about ten
or fifteen feet ahead of me, but she wasn't taking it easy for my benefit.
Someone seemed to have taught her that one must undulate when one walked, even
though undulation doubled the time it took you to get somewhere. Due to that I
was able to close the lead she'd started with, so that I was only just behind
her when she got to a blank wall at the end of the corridor. She paused to
touch her fingers to the wall on her right at about midbody height, the
movement indicating a combination of sorts rather than print identification,
and then, when the wall slid aside to make a doorway, walked on through. She
knew well enough that I was behind her, but still couldn't be bothered with
acknowledging the fact.

The other side of the doorway brought a considerable change in my
surroundings, all of it plush and luxurious. The resilient floor changed to
thick carpeting, the walls now shimmered with tasteful, shifting color, works
of art hung in the midst of the shimmering, and starbursts lit the tessellated
ceiling with purely decorative light. True daylight came in from the window
wall on the right that was designed to match the ceiling, but most of its
squares were closed to top-of-head height. I would have enjoyed opening one of
the large squares and looking out, but my guide was moving off to the left,
toward a door of gently glowing red. To the right of that door and about
thirty feet away was a second door of pink, but the glow of that one had been
turned off. In common usage that meant the red door was closed on someone who
was in and available to visitors, but whoever belonged to the pink door was
gone off somewhere. It would have taken a lot of really deep thought to figure
out who belonged to the door, but the woman I followed didn't give me the two
or three seconds necessary for consideration of the matter. She walked to the
red door, stroked her hand through the air in front of it, then stepped
forward to enter the room beyond.

"Director Gearing, I have the newest one," she began with a sniff of distaste,
standing a few steps into the room with her hand on the oblong extrusion of
the door dial. "She's really quite impossible, and should be sent to the main
complex immediately for strict reorientation. She actually had the nerve to
insult me!"

"Now, now, Resson, you know our guests are upset when they first get here," a
man's voice came, and I stepped past the woman to see him where he was just
rising from behind a large, ornate desk that held nothing whatsoever. Even the
woman I'd followed was taller than he, and she and I together might have made
up most of his weight. He wore a conservative, well-tailored leisure suit of
red with hints of gray, and despite the air conditioning of the room his
round, pudgy face was sweating. It was also wearing a look of upper-class
condescension, the superiority in his dark eyes turning his smooth smile into
an outright lie. His brown hair was thinning quite a bit, but that didn't stop
him from brushing at it with a swollen hand as he came to a stop beside the
desk to stare at me.

"She wasn't upset, Director Gearing, she was rude!" the woman insisted with
sullen belligerence, sending a glare of hatred in my direction. "She tried to
treat me like an Eject, and I want her punished for it!"

"Calm yourself, Resson, I'll see to the matter personally," the man Gearing
assured her in firm tones of authority, his tongue wetting his lips as he
looked at me. "I have the situation well in hand, so you may leave us now. "

The woman Resson couldn't have missed his reaction to the sight of me, and she
didn't miss it. What she did more than that, however, was resent it, and her
frustrated anger quickly found the outlet it wanted so badly. Without
realizing it I'd stopped in a place that kept her from closing the door and
leaving the way shed been ordered to do, and rather than asking me to move she
chose a more satisfying method of accomplishing the same end. Her hand hit the
middle of my back, shoving me forward, the blow so hard that I nearly went
down on my face. I caught my balance with a couple of quick running steps then
turned furiously to face her, the anger I'd been feeling suddenly boiling up
and over. If the woman had been smart she would have left as soon as she'd
accomplished her revenge, but shed already proven that smart wasn't a word in
her vocabulary. She was standing there smirking when I first turned toward
her, but the smirk lasted only until I reached her. Without thinking about it
I put my own hands to her shoulders and pushed, hard enough to send her flying
backward and down to that plush carpeting wed crossed so recently. She
screamed in shock and fear until she hit the floor, then sat there making
appalled noises of utter disbelief.

"Here now, here now, we'll have no more of that!" the man Gearing said with
outraged sternness, waddling forward to break up a confrontation that was
already done. "Young woman, you take yourself over to my desk right now, and
Resson, you get off that floor. As soon as I'm through with the Prime, we'll
have a long talk about your inexcusable behavior. I don't intend seeing
anything like this ever again."

With that he closed the door on the woman who was still sprawled on the
carpeting, and waddled back behind his desk to sit again. I'd been looking
around in the moment or two I had until then, and had noticed that despite the
richness of the furnishings and decorations in the office, the only chair it
held was the one that now held the director. I was just coming to the
conclusion that their hospitality toward their "guests" was the least bit on
the lean side, when Gearing cleared his throat.

"Now then, young woman, I believe a word or two with you is in order," he
said, his voice and eyes still deliberately stern. "I have seldom seen such
disgraceful behavior, and I certainly have no intentions of seeing it again.
When you and I are through here you will apologize to Resson, asking her to
excuse your barbaric behavior. Is that clearly understood?"

"If I apologize to her, she'll only do the same thing to someone else at
another time," I answered, wondering why the man was so dense that he couldn't
see that. "Since I was able to stop her it was my job to do it, to protect
others who might not be able to do the same thing. She doesn't deserve an
apology, so she won't be getting one."

"My dear Prime, it happens to be my place to remonstrate with and discipline
my underlings," he came back with a rumble of incensed anger, a heavy air of
territorial protection about him. "If one of them offers you affront you
report it to me, and then I take care of the matter. I am in charge here, and
no one else has the authority to do the same."

"But that just means that anyone who enjoys tormenting people has only to stay
out of your way in order to continue with the practice," I pointed out, trying
to be reasonable and show him how wrong he was. "On the other hand, if they
try it with someone who bounces them on their head for their trouble, they'll
probably hesitate the next time before doing the same thing. They won't know,
you see, if they'll be bounced again, so that will make them cautious-not to
mention help to keep innocent people safe. Don't you want your-guests-here to
be safe?"

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like a fish trying to
learn how to breathe air, and then he ended the fumbling by snapping his lips
closed with a frown.

"Where in the world could you have picked up such outlandish ideas?" he
demanded, close to total outrage. "I've never heard such barbaric nonsense,
and I'll listen to no more of it. All you need remember is that I am in
charge, and our future association will be an extremely pleasant one. Now
then, let's get on to the reason you were summoned to my office."

"Is our conversation going to be so short that it isn't worth sitting down
for?" I interrupted to ask, giving up on trying to teach him anything. He was
obviously too concerned with privilege to understand right and responsibility,
but I wondered fleetingly just where I had gotten such ideas. As soon as I had
a moment, I would have to think about that. "What I mean, Director, is that if
it is going to be that short, why are you sitting?"

"I am sitting, my dear, because I am director," he answered in very careful
and overly sweet tones, back to giving me that condescending smile. "If you
consider the matter carefully, you'll find it's quite proper for you to be
standing there before me, waiting for great honor to be bestowed on you. Honor
must be balanced with humility, you know, and so it shall be. The arrogance of
a Prime must be left behind as you travel the road to meaningful immortality."

By the time he was through speaking, the words were echoing in my head rather
than simply being picked up by my ears, and I was definitely feeling dizzy. I
put a hand up to the echo, having no understanding as to why it was happening,
having no idea how to make it stop. What he'd said-leaving arrogance behind
and being suitably humble-humble and grateful-yes, that was the way it had to
be. It was so obvious I was surprised I hadn't seen it sooner, and I suddenly
couldn't wait to be given my honor.

"Yes, of course you're right," I answered, looking up at him with a smile that
felt as shy as I did. "I'm sorry, Director Gearing, I must have forgotten that
for a moment. Did you say-immortality?"

"I most certainly did," he agreed with a broader, warmer smile, the
expansiveness of his generosity coming through clearly as he sat back in his
chair. "What lesser thing might be given to one who has served the
Amalgamation so well, a Prime of your quality and caliber? You've earned
immortality, my dear, and that is what you will have."

"Oh, I can't possibly be worthy of that great an honor," I protested, needing
to speak the truth I felt, feeling the blush in my cheeks as my fingers
twisted together. "Really, Director Gearing, it's too much . . . "

"Nonsense, my dear, and do call me Johnston for the moment," he came back, a
sleek smoothness coating his assurance, his eyes heavy-lidded. "I have the
pleasure to inform you that you've been chosen as one of those few who are
permitted to pass on your qualities and abilities to those who will come after
you, those who will attempt to equal your service to the Amalgamation. We
bestow this honor with glad pleasure, but also ask that you accept it as
another of the many indications you've given of loyalty and dedication and
selflessness. Will you accept the honor in such a way, with eagerness and
gladness?"

"Eagerness and gladness, yes," I breathed, my hand to my head again as the
words echoed a second time, the privilege so great that it made me dizzy. "I
can't believe that I've been chosen for this, Johnston, I just can't, but I'll
do everything in my power to be worthy of it. What must I do?"

"Quite simply, Terrilian, you must be a woman," he said, his expression now
sober as he rose again and came around the desk to take my hand. "In the main
complex we have quite a large number of male Primes, and it will be your duty
to interest as many of them as possible in you. Without them you won't be able
to fulfill your destiny, you know, but there are other female Primes already
there, already attempting to fulfill their own destinies. You must be more
attractive than they are, more beautiful and desirable to the only men who can
help you achieve immortality. You must do everything and anything to attract
and please them, but then, you don't have to be told that, do you? You already
know that and mean to succeed, don't you?"

My head swam for a third time, but although I agreed with just about
everything that had been said to me, some parts of it confused me more than
others. People had always been told that there weren't many male Primes, so
how could that complex have quite a large number of them? I wanted to ask
where they could have come from, but the director was stroking my hand and
then he raised it to his lips.

"It's my personal opinion that you'll have very little trouble being
attractive, my dear," he said in a husky voice, my hand still held in both of
his. "I know you're somewhat unsure of yourself, however, so I'm prepared to
assist you even further. Although I have almost no spare time in my very busy
schedule, I'm going to take some anyway just to find out how pleased the men
will be with you. No, no, you needn't thank me, it can easily be considered
part of my job, and you do deserve help with the honor you've been given. Just
come this way."
He led me by the hand he held to the wall to the left of his desk, where he
pressed a small recess which caused the wall to slide noiselessly back. Behind
it was an area with low lighting, soft music, faintly perfumed air-and a very
wide square of a couch draped with silk. The couch had no back to it, only
seat flanked by armrests, and the man's left arm went around my waist as he
urged me forward toward it. At first everything felt as right and proper as it
had all along, nothing out of the ordinary except that I was about to be done
a rather large favor, but then we crossed the threshold into the small, cozy
room-and the director's right hand came to squeeze my breast through the thin
material that covered it-and something inside me screamed that he had no
right-that I couldn't let him-that I damned well wouldn't let him and then I
was pulling away and shoving at him, slapping and scratching-

When the dizziness and confusion finally receded to a point where I could look
around me with some measure of sanity again, I was sitting on the carpeting of
the director's office, my back against a wall that was staying solidly closed.
Low, moaning sounds were coming from the desk to my left, and I turned my head
to see Gearing in his chair, what must have been a mirror raised up from the
side of the desk. He was staring into the mirror as he dabbed at long,
bleeding scratches on his cheek with a wet cloth, and the eye toward me was
blackened and almost closed. I could see that the battle in my mind hadn't
been the only one I'd fought, and for a moment I was confused all over again.
The struggle I'd put up didn't seem all that strange, but the results of my
efforts didn't feel in any way familiar.

"Oh, I should have known you'd be one of those, I should have known," Gearing
moaned, talking to me without taking his eyes from the mirror. "After what you
did to Resson I should have called security immediately, but instead I relied
on the conditioning holding. Now that you've broken out of it you think you've
won something, but what you've really done is lost. You'll still serve the
program just as you're meant to, but without the comfort of believing you're
being honored. And I'm glad you'll be suffering, do you hear me? I'll come and
visit where they have you, and I'll laugh!"

He ended his outburst with another moan instead of a laugh, but it didn't make
that much of a difference. I put my hand up to my head as I leaned back
against the wall, shivering on the inside at how close I'd come to doing and
believing exactly what they'd wanted. Even after I'd found part of the
conditioning myself, I'd still fallen prey to the rest of it without a murmur.
I'd been so terribly eager to accept that "honor," so willing to do everything
I could! The second time I shivered on the outside, but not only at what had
almost been done to me. They were still going to try doing things to me, and
when they did I'd have no fantasies to hide behind. I'd have to face it
knowing exactly what was happening, and that was the part that made me
tremble. I'd have to find the courage to be strong, and I didn't know if I
could.

A moment later the door to the office opened, but instead of it being the
woman Resson, two big men walked in. They both had dark hair and eyes and were
dressed in identical white uniforms, but the part that made me wish I could
get closer to the wall was the expression on their faces. Or, more accurately,
the lack of expression. Totally uncaring is too weak a descriptive phrase, but
when they saw the director they actually smiled.

"You called for security men, Director Gearing?" one of them said, his tone
showing very little in the way of respect for a superior. He and the other
were silently laughing at Gearing, and the way the fat man stiffened showed he
knew it.
"Get her out of here," he said, still looking at nothing but the mirror,
briefly waving one pudgy hand in my general direction. "Tell them she's broken
through the conditioning, but that isn't to exempt her from the program. Take
her to the main complex, and don't bring her back until she has to be here. By
then there won't be any fight left in her."

The eyes of the two men came to me, still filled with faint amusement, and
then it was they who came to me, reaching down to pull me to my feet. I tried
to resist but they weren't Gearing, and then I was going through the door, on
my way to what was called the main complex.



Chapter 2

The wooden bench I sat on got harder and harder as the time passed, but no one
seemed overly concerned about my comfort. I'd been pulled out of the building
that housed the director's office and the room I'd awakened in, thrust into a
ground vehicle, then taken for a short ride. At the end of the ride I'd been
pulled from the vehicle through the same bright but chilly sunshine I'd seen a
few moments earlier, thrust through a door into a building, and walked up a
corridor to a particular door. The door led to an anteroom with nothing in it
but a wooden bench and another closed door, and I'd been offered a seat by
being pushed down onto the bench. The two men in white uniforms stood to
either end of the bench, saying nothing to me and not even to each other.

Between the confusion still rattling around in my head and the dull tan and
gray of the room I sat in-not to mention the presence of my two silent
companions-I was beginning to feel depressed. No, what I really felt was all
alone, with no one there to help me or be on my side. All of those people were
from the Amalgamation, some probably even from Central, but to them I was
nothing but an animal to be experimented with, a prize animal to be sure, but
still nothing but a beast. I didn't want to think about what they were going
to do to me, and had been helped in fulfilling that desire by the presence of
other thoughts crowding my mind and demanding attention. There were so many
things I couldn't explain or understand or make any sense out of at all-

"All right, go on in there," the man to my right said suddenly, and I looked
up to see that the gray door the room held was now glowing with the message
that visitors were welcome---or at least currently permitted. I hesitated only
a moment before getting to my feet, but was abruptly aware of the thin garment
I wore. The two men who had brought me there were staring at me, I knew that
even without looking at them, and to say the idea disturbed me, was like
saying I didn't much want to fall off the roof of a twenty-story building.
Once standing, I resisted the urge to try tugging the thin covering lower and
went instead to the softly glowing gray door, opening it as if I really
belonged there.

Inside there were a larger number of amenities to be found, like thick
carpeting, stylish drapes on wide windows, chairs and couches, artwork on the
walls, and a desk that actually had papers and folders on it. It was basically
the same tan and gray as the anteroom, but enhanced by faint touches of other
colors and softened by richer fabrics and mediums. Like the first office I'd
seen the desk had a man behind it, but unlike the portly Director Gearing this
man really seemed to be working. He wore a uniform rather than a suit, in a
gray to match his door, and his tanned, unlined face didn't seem to go with
his very white hair. He glanced up at me as I came in, his light eyes touching
me in a distracted sort of way, and then he waved his hand toward the chairs
in front of his desk.
"Close the door and sit down," he said, his voice as distracted as his glance
had been. "I'll be with you as soon as I finish this."

For something I'd expected to be dramatic and terrorizing, his few words had
been a crazy sort of letdown, as though a ravening beast had paused in its
bloodthirsty attack to hastily check its pockets. I closed the door as
directed and went to the chairs indicated, and actually found myself annoyed
that the chair I chose was comfortable. When you're braced to resist horror,
running into the humdrum instead can totally ruin your mood. I began to cross
my legs, remembered what I was wearing and decided against it, then simply sat
back until the man finished with the folder he was working on and raised his
eyes to really look at me for the first time.

"So you're the Prime Terrilian Reya," he said, tossing his stylus away before
leaning back in his chair. "You caused us trouble when we went to pick you up,
and now you're causing even more. Why couldn't you have been a good girl and
behaved yourself?"

"If the choice had been mine, I still would have done it exactly this way," 1
answered, the annoyance I'd been feeling beginning to grow to true anger. "And
if you persist in talking to me as though I were a backward child, you're
suddenly going to find all those pieces of paper in the air, most of them
flying at your head. You haven't the right to treat me the way you've been
doing, and I demand to be released."

"If you're not a backward child, you should know you're wasting your time
demanding to be released," he answered, a faint smile turning his lips. "And
if you throw any of these papers at me, you'll waste a lot more time picking
them up again. You're not the first Prime to break through the conditioning,
Terrilian, but usually it doesn't happen quite this fast. That fool Gearing
must have caused it with the itch he wanted scratched, and if he wasn't so
useful I would have had him shipped back to Central a long time ago. It would
have been easier for you if you'd gotten used to the routine before the
conditioning went, but you're still going to have to go through with it. All
of it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," I said, suddenly finding his calm, patient
attitude more chilling than threats would have been. "I don't understand
anything of what's going on, and if you'd like the truth I don't particularly
want to know. All I want is out of here, and a chance to go back to things as
they were. I've worked for the Amalgamation most of my life; is that too much
to ask in return?"

"It's not precisely a matter of too much," he answered, something of a shrug
in his tone. "The simple fact is that the Amalgamation needs to make use of
you, and has no choice in that need. They can't take someone else in your
place because it's a Prime they need, not just anyone off a city street or out
of a Neighborhood. And if you stop to look at this reasonably instead of
emotionally, you'll find that you're getting excited over very, very little.
The Amalgamation isn't asking you to have your arms and legs cut off,
Terrilian, all it's asking you to do is have babies."

All. I put my hands to the chair arms as he continued to stare at me calmly
and reasonably, his own hands unconcernedly crossed on the desk in front of
him. I'd expected having it put that baldly to be enough to make me feel any
number of things, like disgusted or vastly reluctant or even very much afraid.
Surprisingly enough none of those feelings surfaced, but what I did feel quite
a bit of was embarrassment.

"You see?" he asked, still the most reasonable of beings. "It isn't anything
vile, or obscene, or even outrageous. It's simply something that women do, and
you're inarguably a woman. I'll admit we had you conditioned against wanting
children while you were still a working Prime, but that was only to keep you
from being contaminated by someone whose blood wasn't worthy of yours. Here we
have many men worthy of you, men like yourself, the best of the breed. I'm
afraid that initially the choice of who will have access to you will be theirs
and ours rather than yours, but intelligent cooperation will earn you what
should be a pleasant and satisfying bonus. Would you like to hear about that?"

He held the question out in front of me as though offering a special sweet,
the sort that small children will do just about anything for. I think I would
have been really angry if I hadn't been busy digesting that piece of
information about having been conditioned in regard to reproducing, and he
took my lack of open hostility for unvoiced and reluctant but active interest.

"You, of course; won't be carrying a fetus yourself for very long, only until
it can be safely transferred to a host mother," he said, the explanation so
matter-of-fact it could have been about accounting procedures. "Your time and
genes are much too valuable to be wasted with one-at-a-time offspring, so
you'll actually produce quite a number of babies in the time it normally takes
to produce only one. Each child will have a different father, and the results
of each pairing will be carefully kept track of for the statistics we need
almost as badly as the babies themselves. The chance of a bonus comes in when
you realize that after a given number of interrupted pregnancies, the exact
number varying with the individual woman involved, your body will need to
carry one child to term. If you've cooperated with us, when you reach that
point you'll be allowed the choice of who the father of the child will be,
even if it's someone who has already sired a child on you. It will be our gift
to you for having helped us so much, and from past experience we know how
valuable a gift it will be. Believe me when I say you'll need and appreciate
something like that."

"Oh,   I do believe you," I said, almost disbelieving, instead, that anything
that   bizarre could be real. "What I don't understand is why you're not using
test   tubes instead of people, or at the very least artificial insemination. If
mass   production is what you're after, that's the way to get it."

"I can't deny that we tried it," he said, this time smiling wryly. "It would
have saved us an enormous amount of trouble if it had worked, but by the
second generation we discovered we weren't getting any Primes at all. There
are few enough Primes produced under normal circumstances, but in vitro
matings seem to eliminate them completely. We haven't any idea why that should
be, only that it is. That's the reason all of you is here now, not just your
ova."

"And the reason why you don't use artificial insemination?" I asked, having my
own suspicions as to the reason for their failure. "Did that prove to be just
as unproductive?"

"It proved to be undesirable," he answered, the faint amusement back again.
"If the female Primes have to be here in their entirety, so to speak, and the
only usable sperm donors are also here in training, why deny them the pleasure
of delivering that sperm to its destination themselves? It would be a waste of
a good reward opportunity, and would save us very little in the way of time.
In other words, there's no true reason to deny the men their fun."

"Whether or not it turns out to be fun for the women," I said with a nod,
finding myself completely unsurprised.

"The only thing you haven't mentioned yet is why you need that many Primes.
What are they being trained for? "

"Only the male Primes are being trained, and the reason for that is none of
your business," he said, still as friendly and pleasant as he'd been all
along. "Being handed around among the fathers of your future children will be
the hardest thing for you to get used to, that and the fact that their wants
and desires are far more important than your own. You'll find that if you
don't defer to them in every way possible they'll make your life here very
unpleasant, but once you learn how to behave you shouldn't have any trouble.
Your records tell me you'll have time to adjust to the system before you're
ready for your first impregnation, so take advantage of the fact and work hard
toward fitting in. You'll do much better for us if you're happy here, and
we'll do everything we can to help you."

"Such thoughtfulness is positively awe-inspiring," I commented, this time
acceding to the urge to cross my legs and not giving a damn about the length
of my covering. "Of course, you've left out or glossed over a number of rather
important points, such as the fact that I'll probably never be allowed to see
the children I produce, or the details on what's done with the babies who
aren't born as the Primes you're so eager for. I'm probably supposed to be too
anxious to become one of the team to worry about things like that, but I do
have what might be considered a pertinent question. What happens if I decide I
want nothing to do with your team, and also decide to give as good as I get in
the way of misery and unpleasantness? In other words, what if I decide not to
be one of your brood mares, and refuse to change my mind?"

` I would seriously recommend against a decision like that," he said, a faint
frown replacing the amusement he'd been enjoying. "Your file shows a penchant
for troublemaking, but it also shows a definite aversion to discomfort and
pain. Our trainee Primes aren't the only ones who can make life unpleasant for
you here, and you'd do well to remember that. If you try to judge us all by
Director Gearing, you'll find yourself making a very bad mistake. The rest of
us are neither incompetent nor helpless. "

"But you're going to persist in treating me as though 1 were both," I said,
glad wed finally gotten to the threats even though my hands were beginning to
tremble. "You expect me to start cooperating because you've given me no
choice, and then expect me to continue because I'll have gotten used to doing
it your way. I can imagine the various things you're able to do to me and very
frankly they frighten me, but not half as much as the thought of waking up one
day to find that I'm accepting this-this-travesty you're perpetrating. I can
vaguely remember going along with something similar to this once to keep from
being terribly hurt, but I can remember even more strongly how shamed I felt.
The pain is more intense but the memory of shame lasts longer, and I really
don't need any more memories like that."

By that time my voice was almost unsteady enough to match the tremor in my
hands, but I'd still managed to say what I had to. The memory I'd spoken of
was very distant and hard to touch, but although I couldn't reach all the
details of what had happened where, my reactions had been so strong that they
were more than clear. I waited for the man behind the desk to understand I was
serious and begin to make arrangements for hurting me the way only civilized
people can accomplish, but all he did was make a sound of annoyance and shake
his head.

"I can see you're still too theatrically interested in saving what you
consider your virtue to discuss anything rationally," he said, and there was
more annoyance than anger in his voice and eyes. "We'll get you checked over
and settled in, and once you've learned our routines we'll talk again. By then
you'll have learned how undramatic this all is, and that there really is
nothing else for you to do but cooperate. We're not villains here, just
practical people doing a practical job, one that you'll eventually be helping
us with. My name is Serdin. If you need to talk to me before I send for you,
apply to your sector head for a pass."

He flicked his finger over a small, lit circle on his desk, and I knew even
before the door to his office was opened from outside that I'd been dismissed.
One of the two men in white uniforms was waiting calmly for me to get up and
go with him, and the man Serdin had already picked up another folder and had
begun losing himself m it. I got to my feet slowly, expecting to be confused
over what was happening or relieved that I wasn't about to be hurt, but what I
did feel was even more frightened than I'd been a moment earlier. When people
mistreat you it isn't difficult to resist them and their desires, to fight
them with all your strength to the very end of it, but what do you do when you
throw out your most direct challenge and all they do in return is pat you on
the head and send you on your way? You can grit your teeth and swear not to
budge an inch, but after a while you find teeth-gritting tiring and not really
necessary, and you notice how hard they're trying to help you, and they really
are being very understanding, and they're not asking for anything all that
terrible

The shudder that ran through me was covered by my movement as I left the
office, but it chilled my mind enough to keep it awake and alert, which was
what I needed. If I let myself forget, even for a moment, what those people
were trying to do to me, their brand of "helpful assistance" would infect me
and I'd be through. I would not give them what they wanted, no matter how many
times they patted me on the head, and that was something I would not be
changing my mind about.

I was able to feel brave and dedicated while the two men in white uniforms led
me through even more corridors, but when I was deposited in yet another bare
anteroom, this one all pale brown, my emotions began fraying around the edges.
Rather than staying with me the men had closed the door and left, and once
closed in I could no longer see a way of returning to the corridor. This
second anteroom had two remaining doors leading out of it, both in the wall
I'd faced when I'd first come in, but both stayed closed and quietly
unglowing. There were a few pale brown, plain metal chairs standing around the
walls, and after five minutes of hovering and waiting for something to happen,
I gave up and walked to one of them.

In which I sat and waited. After another year or so had passed, it came to me
that waiting rooms had to be even more fiendishly clever in the way of torture
devices than a rack, on which at least you had something to do and occupy you.
After being left long enough in a waiting room, you find yourself willing to
do anything to be allowed to leave it, anything at all. Tell every secret you
have? Certainly! Agree to accept physical pain without struggles? No problem!
Ask for immediate execution? Of course, of course, only please be sure that it
isn't boring! I can't take any more of being bored . . . .

I shifted in the hard metal chair for the ten thousandth time, convinced that
the wait was all part of their master plan. Why waste time and effort on
trying to force people into doing things your way, when you can slide them
into it once they're half asleep from boredom and no longer paying attention?
In between shifting I'd been trying to understand why their careful
conditioning had broken down, but I'd been too distracted by the waiting to
get anywhere. When you're waiting for something to happen, you can't really
concentrate on anything else; your inner mind is too afraid you'll miss an
opportunity to end the wait, thereby making you wait even longer. And with
some waits, you really can't wait for them to end.
I sat straighter in the chair, realizing I'd just touched something, the very
outline of a buried memory. Once, not long ago, I'd been waiting for something
to happen, something I'd needed very badly. It was also something I'd been
afraid of, but I'd needed it so badly that I hadn't cared how frightened it
made me. I'd lost something, something I couldn't bear to go on without, and
the wait was going to end the pain of the loss for me. I could remember the
trembling eagerness with which Id waited for a particular thing to happen,
willed it closer and closer, greeted it as the end to agony-but I couldn't
remember what it was I'd lost. There was a large, square tear in the fabric of
memory at that point, which told me with absolute certainty that the
information had been conditioned away. You don't casually forget something
like that on your own, not when even the softened memory is able to bring
aching . . .

"I said, you can come in now," a voice broke into my thoughts, a female voice
filled with annoyance. I looked up to see that the left-hand door of the two
had been opened, and the woman stood in the doorway. She wore a light brown
uniform and had brown hair and eyes, and seemed to have spoken to me once
before without my having heard her. She was slender and fairly tall, and
without the frown she might have been pretty.

"I suppose you were too busy thinking about the honor you've been given to pay
attention to anything else," she added, stepping back to give me room when I
rose and walked over to her. "I've noticed that that's usually the case. "

"Well, it doesn't happen to be the case with me," I   answered, wondering why
she seemed so-distantly angry and accusing. "I told   them what to do with their
honor, and they smiled and told me to run along and   play. If you're about to
add your own excellent advice and assistance, do us   both a favor and save it
for someone else. "

I was annoyed that shed interrupted me when I'd been on the track of something
important relating to my stolen memories, but she didn't come back at me the
way I thought she would. I could almost see her blinking in surprise, and then
she looked at me with more interest and a good deal more concern.

"You're not being held by the conditioning," she said in a tone of
near-revelation, but not what might be called a happy tone. "I've never seen
one like you coming through here, and although I thought I'd find a meeting
like this satisfying, I'm afraid I'm suddenly more deeply into feeling sorry
for you. Why didn't the conditioning work?"

"We're all still trying to   figure that out," I responded, moving into the
small office shed come out   of. "That man Serdin thinks it was because of the
way Director Gearing tried   to welcome me to this place, and that might even be
true. When he put his hand   on me I was really repelled, so much so that I
fought back. Before I knew   what was happening I had won the fight, and the
world had suddenly changed   from gilded to brassy."

"I'm not surprised to hear you were repelled by Gearing," she said, making a
face as she moved past me to get back to her small desk. "He-welcomes-every
nonfertile Prime brought to the facility, and they do nothing to stop him
because they need his stupid arrogance as a protective facade. Maybe this time
they'll at least give him a few regrets."

Her office was really tiny, with nothing but the   desk and a chair for her, and
one chair in front of the desk. There were a few   plaques scattered around on
the walls in place of artwork, but one thing she   did have was a full square
yard of dot storage, the largest private library   I could ever remember seeing.
She'd closed the door behind me so, thinking I'd   be there at least as long as
I'd been in the other two offices, I moved to take her guest chair. She
herself had stopped beside the desk instead of sitting down behind it, and
when she saw what I was doing she shook her head.

"Don't bother sitting down," she said, picking up a folder set into a
clipboard. "I usually spend a few minutes adding my congratulations to
everyone else's just to keep the pretense balanced, but this time it's
obviously not necessary. We'll go straight to the examination and skip the
small talk."

"Examination?" I echoed, not understanding the sudden flash of heavy annoyance
I felt at the suggestion. "Why do I have to be examined? And why do they need
Gearing as a front for them? 1 d like to know what's really going on here, and
why you're working for them if you're all that disapproving. If it was me, I'd
leave."

"Really?" she said, raising brows with no true surprise behind the gesture.
"Just the way you're leaving now because you're unhappy about being here? I
didn't volunteer for this any more than you did, I was assigned to the post by
my superiors. Once I learned what was going on I tried telling them I wanted
no part of it, but all they did was smile and tell me to get back to work.
Does that sound at all familiar to you?"

"Too familiar," I agreed with a sigh, wondering if there were more than three
people on that planet who were free to come and go as they pleased. I was
tempted to say she was only being forced to stay, not to cooperate, but I
wanted to see first how I did against them before I accused anyone else of
improper resistance. "They seem to have a lot of experience ignoring protests.
And all that learning you did about what was really going on-It explained
everything and answered all your questions?"

"Yes, it certainly did," she said, a dryness having entered her voice as she
stared at me. "Unfortunately, though, it won't be doing the same for you. I
don't know what they'd do to me if I started spreading around the little
details of their plans, but it would undoubtedly be something to teach me the
attractions of discretion. Don't underestimate them at any time, my friend.
Their plans are more important to them than you or I as individuals could ever
be, and they won't let anyone stand in their way. My examination room is
through here."

"Here" was a door leading into another, larger room, and the woman entered it
without giving me a chance to argue with her. The new room had lots of very
modern equipment designed for the most thorough of diagnoses and examinations,
and even if I hadn't been feeling frustrated from all the stone walls I'd been
running into I wouldn't have liked it. It was the sort of place that made me
feel as though I'd just come off an assembly line, one of ten thousand others
just like me, nothing but a unit to be run through the next process and then
sent on my way. There was nothing of the personal in that very clean, light
brown room, and once again I felt the ghost of being absolutely and completely
alone.

"I'm sure you know that none of this is here to do you harm," the woman said,
and her voice had suddenly become kinder and more compassionate. "Let's start
with a general check, shall we? It will only take a couple of minutes. "

She was looking at me as though she thought I needed comforting, as though she
thought I couldn't take care of myself. Other people I couldn't quite remember
had thought that about me, but I'd proved to them and everyone how wrong they
were. I didn't need anyone to take care of me, and walking over without a fuss
to the table the woman had patted simply proved the point another time.
I had to take off that thin cloth smock before lying on the table, but that
didn't make me any more uncomfortable than I already was. I started wondering
if I were already beginning to do what they wanted by not refusing to be
examined, but by the time I decided I certainly was, the top of the machine
had already been closed over me. As the lights came on I thought I understood
just how alert I'd have to be in the future to keep something like that from
happening again, but the entire truth of that thought hadn't yet been brought
home to me. The machine began to hum as the examination started, and then I
was taught the lesson a bit more thoroughly.

Most physicals aren't "physical" in the least, in the sense that you aren't
touched during them, not even by sensors. You're completely scoped and scanned
by the machinery all around you, measured and weighed and checked for
blockages and stoppages and irregularities and anything that deviates from
your particular norm. If something is found the doctor in charge is alerted,
and more specific testing is then done. As the woman had said, the general
check doesn't usually take more than a couple of minutes, during which time
you just lie there watching the pretty-colored lights blink. Most people know
the lights have nothing to do with the exam; they're there to give you
something to look at while you're waiting.

For me, the lights turned out to be a distraction. They drew my attention when
the rate of blinking changed in a way that seemed to be crying to draw my
attention, and as soon as I looked up at them the machine took advantage of
the fact. It actually required the sound of multiple small clicks before I
understood I'd been distracted for a reason, and by then, of course, it was
far too late. My wrists were held firmly to the table where they lay to either
side of me, my ankles were snugly looped, and a thin strand of the same
material loosely circled my throat. I cried out and pulled at the bindings,
unable to tell whether I was more frightened or more furious, but the material
holding me was designed to resist efforts like mine. It was too soft to cut or
cause any other damage, and much too strong to be parted by anything I was
likely to be able to do.

Once the mechanism had me the way it wanted me, it went on with what it had
obviously been instructed to do. Its very first act was to draw some of my
blood, and then, even before the sting of the needle was gone, it began to
check my reactions to certain stimuli. Considering what I had been brought
there for I shouldn't have been surprised that my ankles first had to be
separated, and I wasn't surprised. Ravening outrage was more like what I felt,
but that didn't entirely negate the machine's efforts. I lay there on my back,
struggling uselessly against what held me, but could still feel myself
reacting faintly to what was being done to me. The sensors or probes or
whatever they were felt like fingers, and seemed to have been programmed by
someone who knew what he was doing. I hated being touched like that with
everything in me, but for some reason that didn't keep me from reacting to it.

The testing went on for a number of minutes before stopping abruptly, a needle
put something into my veins instead of taking something out, and then the
bindings withdrew to wherever they had come from. Right after that the colored
lights went out, which meant the hood could be raised from the table I lay on.
I was about to do it myself when it was done for me, and the woman in the
light brown uniform looked down at me with a plastic smile pasted on her face.

"See, I told you it would be easy," she said, offering my thin cloth smock as
though it were a lounging robe being given to someone just stepping out of a
bath. "Now it's behind you, and you don't have to think about it again. "

I sat up and got off the table without saying anything, then took the smock
without looking at anything else. I preferred the smock to being naked so I
put it on, but without the help that had been offered. I'd had enough help
from that woman, but at least I'd learned my lesson. From that moment on it
wouldn't matter how compassionate anyone was; trust would be the last thing I
gave them.

"Terrilian, I had no choice about doing that to you," the woman said from
behind me, helpless regret heavy in her voice. "It's part of the processing
every female Prime goes through here, and if you'd tried refusing they would
have forced you. This way it's over and done with without the trouble refusing
would bring, and without the anxiety you would have suffered. Isn't it better
this way?"

I smoothed the smock closed with a single firm stroke of my hand, but didn't
make any attempt to answer the woman's question. Lying to me might have made
things easier for her, but in my opinion I should have been entitled to choose
for myself. If I preferred trouble and anxiety to letting myself be taken
advantage of, that was my business.

"Well, you're certainly healthy enough," the woman went on when the silence
grew too thick for her, the heartiness her voice now carried an excellent
match to the smile shed worn. "You'll find participating in the program no
strain at all, and it won't be long now before you can begin. Part of the
injection you were given was a neutralizer meant to shorten the life span of
your protection against pregnancy. "

"And what was the rest of it, friend?" I asked in a growl, turning finally to
look directly at the woman. She and I were almost the same size, so our eyes
should have had no trouble meeting levelly. "Judging by everything else around
here, it should have been the chemical equivalent of that happiness
conditioning. What's the matter, didn't it work? -Or is it just that it hasn't
worked yet?"

If she flinched at the harsh accusation I threw at her, I couldn't tell from
looking in her eyes. The gaze that should have been level with mine wasn't,
and then she was the one turned away, her shoulders rounded with whatever
burdens were hers. Her hand rose to her face, probably covering her mouth for
a moment or two, and then it went higher to touch her hair as she
straightened.

"The main problem is that you really don't understand what you're facing," she
said without turning, her voice slow and very reasonable but also audibly
trembling.

"You still believe you can refuse to do what these people want, that you can
be stubborn and make trouble for them and do anything you please to obstruct
them, and the worst that can happen is that they eliminate you. What you must
make yourself believe and understand is that they won 't eliminate you, not
under any circumstances, no matter what you do. They will keep you for and in
the program, and if I let you believe anything else I'd be hurting you worse
than you know. I'm supposed to be here to help people, and I want to help you.
You're the first to come through here like an actual, living being instead of
a programmed doll. If helping you means I also have to hurt you- What choice
do I have- What else can I do-?"

Her words seemed to die rather than end, and her hand reached out slowly to
move over a glowing circle on the wall near her. Her body had the same tremor
that her voice had had, but she straightened even more and gained some control
of it.
"Once you see more of this place and think about what I've told you, you'll
come to understand," she said, the reassurance she groped toward more for
herself than for me. "You'll know then that I really am your friend, and if
you need me you won't hesitate to come. Ask for Cataran Olden in Medical, and
they'll bring you to me. Don't forget, Cataran Olden."

Once again I knew when I was being dismissed, so having the door in the far
wall open came as no great surprise. The white uniform was familiar enough,
but this time it was being worn by a woman rather than a man. She wasn't quite
the size the men had been, but she wasn't small and she wore the same
nonexpression they had, making her clearly one of the breed. Her blond,
untinted hair was very short, and for some reason that struck me as being
wrong.

"Please take the Prime to her assigned sector," Cataran Olden said to the
woman in white, handing over some sheets of paper from the folder she held.
"She isn't like the others are when they first come in here, so do please try
being patient with her. You will-won't you?"

The bigger woman smiled very faintly as she took the papers, then crooked a
finger in my direction. As I passed Cataran Olden I could see she was still
waiting for an answer to her question, not realizing she already had her
answer. I walked out of the examination room without looking back, and door
was quietly closed behind me.



Chapter 3

I was expecting another corridor outside of the examining room, but that
wasn't what was there-or at least not like the previous corridors I'd seen.
This one was three or more times as wide as the others, and there weren't
simply doors to either side of it. There were also desks here and there along
the walls, and some of them had women in smocks like mine seated in chairs
beside them, talking to the people behind the desks. There were more women in
smocks standing in lines farther back, and most of those looked distracted but
very pleased with themselves. Four men in the white uniforms of security
watched the large area casually, clearly expecting nothing to happen but
nevertheless appearing fairly alert.

My own security-guide led me in the direction of the end of the lines and
beyond them to a set of guarded doors, then through the doors and past what
looked like another guard post. This one was at the end of a normal-type
corridor, but one without any doors or desks or anything. We walked the thirty
feet to the end of it, stopped in front of yet another door, and after a
moment were allowed in through it to the inner sanctum. There seemed to be an
awful lot of guards for a bunch of women who mostly appeared to want to be
where they were, but maybe the Amalgamation simply wasn't in the mood to take
chances. The far side of the door had its own set of white uniforms, and also
a fork in the road. The corridors to either side curved away out of sight, and
we took the one to the left.

When we rounded the curve I was able to see another widened area, one that had
three desks to the right and a single door of glowing yellow to the left. The
door was what I was led up to, and when my guide opened it I saw an older
woman seated at a large desk in an office decorated almost as well as Director
Gearing's had been. At first I thought her desk was also almost as empty, but
moving closer showed me it was neat rather than unused. She had a number of
folders in precise stacks in front of her, and when my guide gave her the
papers she was carrying they were placed carefully on top of one of the
folders.

"Ah, the Prime Terrilian Reya," she said, looking up at me with a smile that
could have used something to warm it. "I'm pleased to welcome you to our
facility, dear, and will do everything possible to make your stay with us a
pleasant one. I'm sure you already know how unusual your condition is, and
frankly I'm looking forward to having you as a guest. We so rarely get the
benefit of an outside opinion regarding our efforts."

"So I'm a guest," I said, moving to one of the chairs in front of her desk and
sitting in it. "I seem to have noticed an awful lot of guards in this vacation
facility. Do you have that many guests trying to refuse your hospitality?"

"Of course not," she said, and her smile widened just a little, to show she
was properly amused at the joke I'd made. "The guards aren't for the ladies of
our facility, they're for another purpose entirely. The young men are too
often visitors to our areas, and it's on their account that the guards are
stationed where they are. Some of them consider it amusing to attempt leaving
the complex in ways other than the ones permitted to them, and we really can't
allow that. They're-too high-spirited-to be allowed out on their own, but boys
will be boys and they continue to try."

"They must be absolutely adorable," I commented, a mutter the woman didn't
seem to hear. She was too busy reading the papers she'd been given by my
guide, and didn't even look up when another woman wearing a uniform in the
same yellow as hers came in and put a cup of something on the desk in front of
me. The second woman left as quietly as shed entered, and a minute or so later
the older woman looked up again.

"Your medical preparations are complete, so we can get right to seeing you
settled in," she said, sounding as though there had been no lag in our
conversation. "It's nearly lunchtime, so you'll soon be having your first
introduction to the young men. The thing you must keep in mind at all times is
that they know exactly how special and important they are, and you are to do
nothing that will seem as though you're challenging them. They challenge each
other on a regular basis, you see, as part of their training, so you must be
sure not to involve yourself in that. It would be very unwise, and we
certainly don't want their instructors lodging protests, do we?"

Once again I was given that small, cool smile meant to be so companionable and
approving, the smile that went so well with the woman's lean face. Her eyes
were dark and her hair a reddish brown worn very short, and her hands were
long-fingered and fairly graceful. She hadn't done a single thing to offend or
harm me, but it was all I could do to bear her presence without screaming.

"As a newcomer, you'll almost certainly find yourself the center of attention,
at least for a short time," the woman went on, folding her hands on the desk
as she looked at me. "The fact that you're also quite attractive will no doubt
add to that, and you mustn't be upset if the men become somewhat-boisterous.
It's simply the way they show approval, and they won't cause you any true
harm. All you need do is go along with whatever they ask of you, and
everything will be fine. You'll find that we've helped you out as far as your
own interest is concerned, so you needn't worry that you won't find an
eagerness to match theirs. You . . . "

"Just a minute," I interrupted, finally finding a reason to resume my end of
the conversation. "What do you mean, you've `helped me out'? What sort of help
are you talking about?"

"My dear girl, you don't think we'd throw you into a situation like this
without help, do you?" she asked in turn, just as unbearably patient as that
man Serdin had been. "You've been given a stimulant to match your body
chemistry, one that will cause arousal in you when the men are present. You'll
find yourself wanting their attention, which is, after all, preferable to
being frightened and unsure. As I'm sure you've already been told, we're here
to assist you in every way we can. We want you to be happy while you're with
us."

Happy. In the way that herd animals are kept happy. I sat back in the chair
without saying anything one hand rubbing at my forehead, trying to remember
the time I'd been given the same sort of selfless help once before. There had
been a time, I was as certain as I could be of that, but I couldn't quite
recall the circumstances. All I could remember was a sense of terror and
shame, mixed well with the sure knowledge that I was completely alone with no
hope of rescue. Just like right then, trapped on a world I'd never even heard
of.

"Now, despite the fact that you'll be distracted, you'll be expected to eat
everything given to you at every meal," the woman went on, apparently taking
my silence for agreement. "In your position you'll require a carefully
balanced diet, and that's what you'll be given. That, combined with proper
exercise, will bring you to full health and keep you there. I learned from
your file that you were fed this morning before being allowed to awaken, but
you haven't yet had anything for midmorning. That broth in front of you should
do for now, and as soon as you've finished it I'll have you shown to your
assigned place."

The woman ended her little speech and gave me another of those smiles, her
expression showing she was waiting patiently for me to comply. Since there was
no real reason for me to refuse, there was no reason for her to expect that I
would. Reason was the key, with everyone being as reasonable as possible, and
it didn't matter to anyone how completely and totally unreal it all was to me.

"I don't want any broth right now," I said, trying to push back narrowing,
invisible walls. "I haven't done anything to make me hungry or thirsty."

"You don't need to be hungry or thirsty, dear," the woman came back, all ready
with her smile and her patience and her reasonable explanation. "What you need
is proper nourishment, and we're here to be sure that you get it. Drink the
broth, and then you may go."

"And then I may go," I echoed, suddenly remembering very vividly that same
attitude in the woman who had run the creche I'd been raised in. I hadn't
particularly cared for the attitude then, and I certainly didn't like it now.
Most especially didn't like it now.

"I may be your prisoner, but I haven't been a child in quite a few years," I
said, looking directly at the woman who continued to stare at me. "You will at
the very least do me the courtesy of treating me as something other than a
mental deficient, or this whole thing will be a lot more unpleasant than it's
naturally destined to be. You have my word on that."

"Do I indeed?" she said, the smile and the patience still completely
untroubled. "So you mean to persist in seeing us all as your enemies, at least
for a short while. If you feel that clinging to such an outlook will help you
in your adjustment, dear, by all means continue to cling to it. What helps you
helps us-as long as you remember the lessons you were taught in childhood.
You're free to rebel as much as you like, as long as you obey all of the
really important rules. We don't want to punish you, but if you give us no
choice in the matter we won't hesitate. Take the broth and drink it."
Still that same patience and calm, only now I remembered why I disliked them
so. Those were the primary emotions I'd been accorded as a child by those in
authority around me, the two emotions I'd never quite been able to master and
accomplish for myself. I'd been able to force a sort of calm and pretend to
patience, but had never really reached through to the real thing. Now that I
looked back on it, it almost seemed that I was supposed to fail where those
emotions were concerned, to fall short of the place others, better than
myself, had reached with ease. I could see the conditioning went back a lot
farther than I'd first thought it did, but these--better people-were in for a
surprise.

"I'm really not much in the mood to play the game of rebellion," I said,
leaning back in my chair as I regarded the older woman with the true calm I'd
learned-some where. "As far as your rules go, you can take them and cut paper
dolls out of them if you like. No matter how unreasonable you try to make me
believe I'm being, I will not cooperate with my own officially proclaimed
ravishment. If you need any other point-blank statements, feel free to ask me
for them."

"I think I've had quite enough for now, thank you," she responded, the new
smile measurably cooler but no less sure of itself. "It seems you have
forgotten a good deal of your childhood, but the memories are certain to come
back rather quickly. Right now you'll be shown where your place is, and you
and I will speak again later. "

Of all the dismissals I'd had that morning, hers was the most unimpressive-if
you discounted the look in her dark eyes. The meeting shed promised for later.
was one she was looking forward to, and that fact was supposed to make me
uneasy. That I refused to let it make me uneasy was not quite the same as
being unaffected, and I didn't really mind when the woman in the white uniform
tapped me on the shoulder. The thought of being elsewhere was an attractive
one, if any place on that planet could be thought of as attractive.

Once out of the office we continued on up the corridor to its end, no more
than ten feet away from the desk area. My guide pushed through a swinging door
and held it for me, then led the way left along a circular balcony area that
surrounded a very large, round room. At intervals along the four-foot-high
balcony were white-uniformed guards, all keeping a casual eye on the very
large room, and the same on the people it contained. More than twenty feet of
tall windows let in bright sunshine from behind one section of the balcony,
the only illumination the women in the room had. The women were seated on
plain, narrow beds, little more than cots, and the cots were arranged so that
they covered the entire floor, one practically on top of the next. Even the
cots at the outer edge of the big room were standing away from any wall, which
meant not one of those women had the least feeling of privacy. I stopped with
my hand on the railing to look down at them, wondering where they all could
have come from. If they were all Primes there were a lot more than fifty of
them, and that was a number out of all proportion to everything I thought I
knew.

"Come on, girly, let's wake up here," a voice said from behind me arid to my
left, a female voice despite its being on the gruff and gravelly side. "You
can do all the sightseeing you like later, once I have you where you're
supposed to be."

I turned to look at the speaker over my shoulder, and found I'd been given
away again to someone new. My original guide was gone, and in her place was a
tall, burly woman in white, her uniform doing nothing to hide the bulge in her
middle. Her hair was a dark, dirty blond and her eyes a very light gray, and
her face was somehow more open than the faces of others in the same uniform.
She stood beside a small desk that wasn't far from a ramp leading downward,
and in her hand she held a thin rectangle of wood. When she gestured to me I
walked over to where she waited, and as a reward had the wooden rectangle
pressed to my thin smock on the left side of my chest. There were letters left
behind when the rectangle was taken away, but I didn't have to bother trying
to read them upside down.

"Now you're officially Terry, and your bed number is sixty-five," the woman
said with a grin, obviously amused by my- expression. "Stop looking so sour,
it's better than having it branded on your backside. We haven't had one
starting out wide awake for years now, but I can still remember the trouble
she tried giving us. Take my advice and behave yourself, or you won't find
anything but the grief she did. She yelled and screamed and cried and threw
tantrums until they finally had to punish her, and then she tried so hard to
be good that she looked like a fool. You don't strike me as someone who wants
to look like a fool. Am I wrong?"

"About the fool part, no," I answered, wondering why this woman, out of all
the others, was bothering. "As far as the rest of it goes, I've already told
everyone in sight, so I might as well let you in on it. I won't cooperate with
the sickness that goes on here, and nothing they can do will change my mind.
No screaming and no tantrumsbut no cooperation either."

"Girly, I admire your guts," the woman said quietly, sitting down on the edge
of her desk to look straight at me. "I don't think much of your intelligence,
but I do admire your guts. Look, I know how you feel about this, because I
know how l d feel if it was me they were trying to turn into a dolly-sow. I'd
hate everything and everyone around here, and I'd swear to fight them with the
last ounce of strength I had. Since it wouldn't take me long to find out that
they never use drugs on their sows, Iii start to believe I really had a chance
of doing it my way. The only thing is-Id be wrong."

She was keeping her voice down and the sober tone shed adopted was very
impressive, but after hearing the same thing so many times I wasn't feeling
particularly impressed. Shed been searching my face to see how I was taking
her advice, but didn't have to look hard or far for the answer.

"You're hearing me, but you aren't listening or believing," she said, without
any anger behind the observation. "They bring you here and tell you you'll be
opening your legs for a bunch of strangers so they can knock you up for the
good of the Amalgamation, and that gets you so mad you tell them to try it
first on themselves. You might be feeling a little nervous about saying it,
but you say it anyway and to hell with them all. You say it and say it to
everyone you meet, but maybe you don't notice that no one gets mad or bothered
or starts throwing threats at you. If you do notice you don't let yourself pay
attention, because that's enough to make you start worrying. If they aren't
worried, it's a good enough reason for you to be."

"I don't happen to see it that way," I said, finding that her conversation was
beginning to make me uncomfortable. "If they haven't failed yet to get their
way, that doesn't mean they're invincible, only that no one has discovered the
right way to fight them. Since I have nothing more important on my calendar
right now, I've decided to try my hand at it."

"And you're not interested in anyone else's opinions," she said with a nod.
"You're the type who has to see for herself if the paint really is still wet,
or if it's raining out the way everyone says it is. That's not a bad way to
be, I'm that way myself more often than not, but- Did it ever occur to you
that all they have to do is tie you down to a bed, and then send the parade in
your direction? I'm not saying it is what they do, because I've never seen it
or heard about it happening. The question I want you to think about is why
they don't do that, why they never find it necessary to be that crude. We've
had more girls through here than I know the number of, but they've never once
had to do that. If you come up with an answer, I'd be interested in hearing
it. I'm Finner, and I'm here on most day shifts. Right now, you go in that
direction."

She gestured toward the ramp, then got off the desk to lead the way, asking
nothing more from me in the way of response. I followed without feeling an
urge to respond, but not because she had convinced me of anything. They were
all really good at talking people out of intentions they didn't approve of,
which might be the reason no one had won against them. It was like having two
equal forces of Kabrans facing each other in the field. Everyone knew neither
side could win against the other, so most often they didn't even bother to
fight. It would have been a waste of good fighting men to have them go at it
anyway, or at least so most people believed. I knew one Kabran who didn't
agree with that, Colonel Garth R'Hem Solohr, and I also knew Garth had tried
doing something about it. I knew he had-I'd been there when he had-but what
he'd done I couldn't quite reach

"The sanitary facilities are through those double doors," the woman Finner
said, pointing to a short downramp that led to an access point for the area
under the circling balcony. "Nothing but the bare necessities, plus shower
stalls. If you want anything better, you have to make your own arrangements."

"Who do you make arrangements with?" I asked, wondering how long I'd be able
to hold out if they tried trading me a bath for my cooperation. For some
reason, it seemed so long . . . "Is that woman in yellow I met in charge of
that, too?"

"Quatry?" Finner asked, for some reason amused again. "No, Quatry is your
section leader, and deals with other sorts of arrangements. The ones you have
to talk to about a softer life are the men you'll be meeting, the Prime
trainees you're here to-get together with. Every one of them has his own
apartment, and unless he's officially paired with one of the girls during her
fertile period, he can choose any girl he pleases to spend the night with him.
Or, possibly I should say, `any girl who pleases him.' I would have put that a
little more delicately, but you're strong enough to take the facts of life as
they come, aren't you?"

She glanced at me where I walked to her left and a little behind, following
through the maze of cots, but I didn't give her anything to add to her
amusement, at least not voluntarily. She seemed to notice and enjoy the faint
flush I could feel in my cheeks, but didn't press the point any harder than
she already had.

"And here we are," she announced after another couple of minutes of walking,
stopping beside a cot no different from any of the others in the room. "The
number is on a disk hanging at the foot, so you shouldn't have much trouble
finding your way back. If you do happen to get lost, just ask one of the
guards around the wall to guide you. If you turn out to be one of those here
at lights out, remember that you have to be in bed, not next to it or on your
way to it, or in the sanfax thinking about it. Your night-duty guards won't
listen to reasons or excuses about why you aren't, they'll just ask the
assistant section leader for punishment permission. From what I hear they
usually get it, so don't let the point slip your mind. There's a box under
your bed with a comb and brush in it, and you have just enough time before
lunch to make use of them. And maybe even enough time to do a little
thinking."
The look she gave me didn't have much amusement left in it and then she was
gone, threading her way back through the cots toward the balcony ramp wed come
down. I turned away before she reached the ramp, looked around at what Id been
brought to, then sank down on the cot with one leg folded under me. There were
occasional, very soft conversations going on in different parts of the big
room but the women nearest me were too busy seeing to their hair to be
distracted by talk. They looked deliriously happy and eager to be on about
their business, and the empty cot next to mine seemed more real than they did.
Didn't they know what was being done to them, and didn't they care even a
little? How could they just sit there, prettying themselves up for sanctioned
rape. . . ?

I gave it up and lay back on the cot, draping one arm over my eyes to blot out
a world I could no longer bear to look at. Of course the rest of them knew
what was being done to them, and of course they cared. They knew they were
being honored, and they cared so much they would do whatever they had to in
order to continue being honored. And out of gratitude as well, let's not
forget about gratitude. I felt so ill it was all I could do to keep from
throwing up, but I couldn't give them the satisfaction of that, I just
couldn't. It would be the first step toward letting them win, and that was one
thing I refused to do.

Again one thing. If I hadn't felt so terrible I would have laughed at myself,
constantly listing a dozen different items and then calling them one thing.
Maybe it was the first sign that I was going crazy, that I was about to lose
all touch with reality and the world around me, and if that was so then I
wished it would hurry up. It was just me against what felt like an entire
world, and they were all so sure they would win, that I didn't have the least
chance against them. If I went insane I would no longer know what they were
doing to me, no longer need to fight a battle that even I was beginning to
believe I'd lose. I was so tired, as though I'd already fought a battle like
that, and had learned that there were things a good deal worse than losing.
What I wanted-what I wanted was

What I wanted was an end to everything, not just the end to struggle that
madness would bring but the absolute end of everything. I took my arm down
from my eyes but kept them closed, making no effort to chase myself out of the
warm, embracing darkness I'd found. The cot I lay on was more comfortable than
I'd thought it would be, but it was too narrow and only just long enough. Less
privacy than an exotic animal on public display, the bare minimum in sanitary
facilities, no personal possessions other than a comb and brush in a box,
strict rules and guaranteed punishment for breaking them-everything necessary
for encouraging me to find a man whose private apartment I could share, even
for a single night at a time. It might have gone quite a way toward working,
but instead it had backfired on them and had helped me to find what I really
wanted. I had no idea why the conviction was so strong and steady, but what I
wanted more than anything was to die.

I stirred just a little on the cot, wondering why that thought didn't frighten
me. It should be frightening to discover that you want nothing more than to
die, but I couldn't find fear anywhere inside me. It was as though I had more
of a reason than simply being at that facility, that I had considered the
question calmly and objectively and had come to the only conclusion possible.
I had no urge to change my mind, not even a mild preference covering a desire
to think about it a little longer. All decided, all bottom line, no indication
of the least amount of hesitation.

What the hell could possibly have done that?
I stirred on the cot again, annoyance and frustration filling up the spaces
left vacant by the absence of fear. It was the stupidest situation I'd come
across in a long while, and it was really beginning to make me angry. Those
miserable people whose prisoner I was had taken away so much of my memory that
I couldn't remember why I wanted to die! Since I still knew I wanted to die
that meant they didn't know it, otherwise they would have taken it away with
the rest. If you stretched a point you could say they were working toward
saving my life, but I didn't seem to want my life saved. And how could I know
one way or the other, when I couldn't remember why I wanted to die in the
first place? What right did they have, interfering in things that were none of
their business? How did they dare to-

"Hi there, you must be the new one they said was due," a voice interrupted,
coming from somewhere on my right. "I'm Merador Sanglin, but you can call me
Mera the way everyone else does."

I opened my eyes to frown at the voice, and found myself looking at a small,
dark, very pretty girl. She was kneeling on the cot that had been empty when
I'd gotten there, and she paused in the middle of brushing her hair in order
to smile at me. I suppose I must have looked surprised; her smile widened as
she raised the brush again.

"That's right, I'm not any more-`honored'-than you are," she said, her dark,
lovely eyes twinkling. "I went one day for my weekly physical, floating along
as usual, but when the doctor congratulated me on being pregnant,
something-twisted loose. They tell me it was the shock of hearing about my
first pregnancy, but whatever it was it brought me all the way back down. From
then on I've been as you see me now."

"Which is how long?" I couldn't keep from asking, making no effort to return
her smile. It was one thing to be conditioned into cooperating, but to do it
voluntarily-!

"About three more pregnancies worth of time," she answered evenly and calmly,
not even insulted enough to stop brushing her hair. "Right now that sounds
terrible to you, really low and awful, but you'll find out it isn't anything
like that. I had a lot of time to think after I broke out, with no one to
bother me and no schedule to keep to. Once you're confirmed pregnant they
transfer you back to the outer part of the complex, and they give you your own
apartment with entertainment centers and servos and anything else within
reason that you ask for. I wasn't confused any longer and knew I could make a
fuss about going along with them again, but the plain truth is I couldn't
think of a reason why I should make a fuss. Once you understand the routine it
isn't difficult being comfortable, so why make trouble when there's no point
to it?"

"If you don't mind being a brood mare, I suppose there isn't a point to it," I
agreed, not in the least interested in arguing. "Now, if you don't mind, I
think I'll take a little nap."

"You don't have the time," she said before I could turn away and close my eyes
again, still friendly and outgoing. "It's too close to lunch. And just what
exactly is that supposed to mean, if you don't mind being a brood mare? Didn't
they teach any history in whatever creche you grew up in'? Didn't you ever get
to look around at everyday life on whatever world you happened to be? Since
when have women ever been anything but brood mares? If we're the only ones
physiologically able to carry and give birth to babies, who else are they
going to get for the job?"

"Being able to do something isn't the same as being required to do it," I
countered, sitting up as I was drawn into the argument against my will. "I
never asked to be brought here, and I never volunteered to give my all to the
Amalgamation. They decided to take it and me, and I have every right to give
them all the hell I can in return. They want to force me into something I want
no part of, and that they have no right to do!"

"Oh, come off it," she said with a snort, finally putting the brush aside.
"Societies have been doing that to women ever since there have been societies,
and before that it was the men doing it on their own. Are you silly enough to
believe a woman has to give her permission before she can get pregnant? Do you
think every woman married off to a man was married by her own consent? It's
nice to have a man you're madly in love with to give you children, but how
many women have that kind of luck? And have you forgotten what we are? We're
Primes, special women with a special talent. How long do you think it would
have been before someone in the government came along to tell us it was our
duty to preserve and pass along our genes? That it was time we married and did
something to pay for those expensive educations and soft lives we were given
for almost nothing? You and I seem to be about the same age. How much longer
do you think we would have had?"

Her question was a demand, straightforward and unashamed, but I had no equally
straightforward answer. I had occasionally found myself wondering when the
Amalgamation would ask something more of me than Mediating, something along
the lines of what other empaths had been asked to do. I'd never heard of a
Prime being approached, but normal empaths were constantly being urged to pair
off, with all sorts of extras thrown their way if they did. But it wasn't the
same thing, not the same at all. E

"If someone had come by and asked, I would at least have had a choice as to
who I was going to be involved with," I pointed out, feeling familiar sourness
flowing back in my direction. "I would have had some freedom of say in the
matter-and I wouldn't have produced babies I'd never even get a chance to see,
let alone hold. I'm not a machine, I'm a woman, and I won't let anyone turn me
into a machine."

"No, you're not a machine, but you're not a woman either," she came back,
still looking determined. "You're a Prime, which makes you something else
entirely. If you'd paired off with a single man, even one of your choice, what
would have happened if you'd suddenly discovered you didn't like him after
all? Nothing, that's what would have happened, because you'd be stuck with
him. And after having the baby of someone you didn't like grow inside you how
long do you think you would have gotten to keep it? How long do other empaths
get to keep their children? How long do normals producing talented children
get to keep them? At least here you don't have to go through the hurt of
giving up a part of yourself, and you don't have to worry if you don't like
the partner you're assigned to. After he's done his job you don't have to look
at him again, there are enough others around who are pleasant to look at. You
have fun during your offtimes, fun during most of your fertile periods, the
good life while you're carrying, and don't stay pregnant long enough to feel
that you've lost something once they've taken it. Honestly, Terry, what more
can you ask for?"

The question was just short of being exasperated, about as far from the rote
response of conditioning as you can get, and she knew well enough shed made at
least one valid point. Just as she and I had been raised in creches, our
children, the children of any other empaths, and the talented children of any
normals would be raised the same way. That had not only been a government
requirement it was an out-and-out necessity, especially where normals were
concerned. When a newborn baby is empathetic, it doesn't simply cry the way
other babies do. It doesn't yet know how to read emotions, but general
broadcasting is something you don't have to be taught. If you suddenly find
yourself feeling very uncomfortable, starving-to-death hungry, or cranky
because you're so tired, you can be fairly certain there's a baby empath
around. If the baby happens to be colicky or delightfully engaged in nursing,
there's no "fairly" about it. You know there's a baby empath around, and
either you take yourself out of its limited range, or see to it that it's the
one taken away while you still have your sanity. Adults experience a wider
range of emotions than babies do, but they usually don't experience them so
intensely. A little of that goes a long way, and it takes trained workers to
put up with it for any length of time. But I was letting myself be distracted
off the track, and it was time to get back on it.

"All you're doing is rationalizing," I told the girl Mera, able to see it
where she couldn't. "They talked you into believing you had no chance fighting
them, so you rationalized your decision to back down. I'm not interested in
their opinions one way or the other, so I don't have to rationalize anything."

"Garbage," she came back with a snort, leaning forward to put her brush back
into the box under her cot. "I'm not rationalizing anything, but you haven't
been here long enough to know that. Once you are, you'll see I'm right. Now
listen, when we go into the dining room, I want you to stay right next to me.
That way you won't have to worry about being noticed, which should speed
things up a little. Some of the guys don't want anything but those icky,
cooing, clingy types who still believe they're being honored, but most of them
prefer a woman who knows a little something about flirting. They don't believe
what I say any more than I do, but they get a kick out of hearing it and
always come back for more. Let me tell you, I haven't spent a night in this
menagerie since they brought me back straight, and with just a little effort
you won't have to either. And in case you're wondering, you don't want to
spend a night here."

She gave me a look of solemn assurance, the voice of experience instructing
innocence, and all I could do was blink a little. She had enough
self-possession for someone twice her size, and I couldn't ever remember being
taken over like that before. After the surprise passed I found I didn't like
it much and was about to say so, but she wasn't through imparting the store of
information shed gathered.

"And don't let these stupid cover-ups bother you," she went on, flicking a
finger at the smock she wore. "These are just for daytime use, and to be worn
to places like Medical and the General Offices. If you get asked to stay in
someone's apartment for the night, they'll give you one of the dress-up
outfits as a reward for your efforts. You may end up having it ripped off you
and then you'll need to come back bare, but that isn't anything to worry
about. The male Sees in the men's sector won't ever. put a finger on you, and
the Sees in our own areas are all female. I happen to think the male
Securities are drugged or conditioned against touching any of us, and not just
for our protection. We're special, and meant only for the guys. I hate to
think what they would do to a Sec who tried to touch what was theirs."

Her shudder wasn't completely muffled as she shifted to sitting on the cot,
and somehow I knew she was right to be upset at the thought. We who were
Primes could do terrible things to people, worse than just about anyone knew,
so bad I didn't want anyone to know. That was something else I couldn't get
the details on, something else gone with the rest, but enough was left for me
to know better than to comment. Mera began talking again, back to giving me
information and advice, but this time I had no interest in listening. I lay
down again on my cot, and stared up at the ceiling stretching high above me.

Only a few more minutes went by before a sound suddenly began echoing through
the room, a very low, pleasant gonging that awoke eager movement everywhere it
touched. Women began putting their brushes and combs away and getting to their
feet, and Mera broke off her monologue to lean forward and tap my arm.

"Lunchtime," she announced, standing up to stretch high. "And since I took
care of my exercises this morning, I can spend the time after lunch having
fun. Come on, Terry, we don't want to be last."

"Since I'm not very hungry, I think I'll stay right here," I answered as I
looked up at her, making no effort to get off the cot. "You go ahead and have
a great time for both of us."

"Terry, why do you have to be so thick?" she asked in exasperation, putting
her fists to her hips. "They're not going to let you skip lunch, so why bother
pretending? If you don't walk to the dining room alone they'll drag you, and
that's not the kind of first impression you want to make. Let's go in now and
get something to eat and meet the guys, and just save the defiance for some
other time. "

The suggestion was so reasonable I smiled, but not with anything like real
amusement. If I cooperated now to avoid an unnecessary confrontation I could
always resist later, but if I went along with that line of thinking I'd find
that later was always ahead, never at a place of arrival. I'd cooperated to
the point of letting them put me in that zoo of a dormitory room, but that was
as far as I was willing to go.

"I've always been really bad at saving things," I said, letting my smile fade.
`And what's that saying about putting things off? It would be a shame to start
developing bad habits after living so long without them.

"People who won't listen to good advice are dumb, " she pronounced, leaning
forward a little to emphasize the opinion. "You're lucky I like you, or Id
leave you to get into all the trouble you're looking for. If you're all that
good at fighting you'd better get started now, otherwise we're about to go in
to lunch."

Just for a moment I didn't understand what she was talking about, and then the
two big women in security white reached my cot and leaned down to take my
arms. I struggled and tried to keep from being pulled to my feet, but as far
as fighting ability went I didn't have any. The two women were about as
distant as it's possible to get from the bumbling incompetence of the man
Gearing, and each one of them alone weighed more than I did. I was pulled
along between them behind a calmly strolling Mera, cursing under my breath,
wishing I had learned how to use a sword

You can't really stiffen when you've been straining with all your strength to
get loose and you certainly can't stop short, but I know I made a respectable
effort to do both. Where in the name of everything that's real had that
thought about a sword come from? Me, learn how to use a sword? When? How? And
even above that, why? What in hell was going on with my mind, and if I knew
all those things were there, why couldn't I remember?

The frustration flared so sharply through me that I barely saw the ramp I was
dragged up and the double swinging doors I was hauled through. There was a
short, wide corridor beyond the doors and another set of doors at the end of
the corridor, and then I was in a room even larger than the dormitory room.
The walls had pastel designs with dark-colored accents, the floor was softly
carpeted, low, pleasant music was playing, and large, round tables were
scattered from one end to the other. As involuntary as my entrance was it took
me a moment to notice, but the tables closest to the doors I'd come in by
weren't quite the same as the ones farther away. The nearer ones were just as
large but plain, with ordinary-looking chairs circling them m an uninteresting
way. The closer I looked at the ones toward the far end of the room, however,
the more attractively designed they and their chairs appeared. The tables had
brightly colored cloths and rich-looking settings, the chairs were more like
overstuffed and contoured armchairs, the carpeting seemed thicker, the . . .

"Well, what do you think of them?" Mera murmured to me over her shoulder, just
as though I'd accompanied her willingly and now stood without being held
there. "Aren't they yummy and delicious?"

The "they" she referred to were the men, of course, and I'd been trying very
hard not to look at them. They had been filling the room even as we came in,
talking and laughing together and strolling casually in our direction, and the
women I stood among were so anxious and eager they were practically holding
their breath. I could almost feel a hum in the air from their hovering, and I
hadn't missed the fact that none of them were moving toward -any of the
tables. It was as though they first needed permission before they could sit
and eat, and I hated the thought. I kept my eyes on the inanimate parts of the
room or looked down at my feet, making no answer to Mera's question, but I
should have known better than to think that would stop her.

"Oh, I know you'll be one of the ones they take down to the other end, Terry,
I just know it!" she enthused, practically jumping up and down where she
stood. "Some of them saw me and started over, but now they're looking at you,
too! They're our kind, Terry, more so than any other men anywhere, and it's
right that we belong to them. Come on, girl, smile at them!"

Smiling was the last thing I wanted to do right then, most especially after
what shed said. I'd never even so much as met a male of my kind, a male Prime,
and as a young girl I'd had daydreams about what wonderful things would happen
if I ever did. I wanted to know them but I couldn't even bear the thought of
looking at them, of finding them attractive, of enjoying their company, or
ultimately shuddering to their touch. I would not do what all the rest of them
were doing, would not sell my selfrespect and my body in response to the
psychological manipulations of lowlives. What the Amalgamation was doing was
wrong, and if I let myself be coaxed into going along with it, I'd be just as
dirty as they were.

"And how are you today, Mera?" a male voice said suddenly, almost bringing my
eyes up from the floor to the group that had stopped near us. "I'm happy to
note you're looking as tasty as ever. I don't remember having seen your friend
before, but she's being treated like a hatchling. We were wondering why that
is."

"In a way she is a hatchling," the girl answered, light laughter and eager
attention in her voice. "She only just got here but she's already broken out,
so of course she doesn't know how silly she's being. Other hatchlings are
frightened and confused, but all she is is stubborn."

"Then, by all means, let's bring her along and show her what she's missing,"
another male voice said, heavy amusement in it. "If she still tries being
stubborn after that, we'll have to do something about it."

The comment caused chuckling in everyone in the group including Mera, and then
they were moving away with me being forced along behind them. I was aware of
the way others of the women had been claimed and drawn toward the far side of
the room, but there were still some left who made their dejected way to the
nearer, plainer tables. It was clear there weren't as many men as there were
women, which meant the women were being made to compete with each other for
attention. I didn't know what happened to them if they didn't get that
attention, but it wasn't likely they escaped the fate of those more popular.
Most probably they were left alone to suffer and agonize, which would make
them swear to themselves to do better next time.

With jolly thoughts like that for company, I was taken to a table and forced
down into a very comfortable chair. The table was more than halfway across the
room and was nicely set, but it wasn't the best of what the room held. The
security woman on my left took my hand and pressed my fingers onto a narrow
print-plate to the left of my setting, the one on the right bent to slide a
padded metal cuff around my ankle which quietly clicked into place against the
chair leg, and then the two of them let go of me.

"For future reference, you're to identify your position in the room at every
meal before you do anything else," the woman on my left said softly, obviously
not wanting to interrupt the conversations going on around the table. "The
chef has been programmed with a different diet for every woman here, but it
has to be told where you are before it can deliver it. We'll be back for you
later, and in the meanwhile you'd be wise to behave yourself."

They both turned and walked away, leaving me alone in the midst of quite a lot
of amusement. Others of the women had been brought to the table by the men,
and the whole bunch of them, men and women alike, considered my being locked
to the chair the funniest thing they'd seen in a very long time. I. could feel
my discomfort over that, burning in my cheeks like a flame, but all I did was
sit there, staring down at my hands in my lap.

"Stubborn or not, she's certainly pretty enough," observed a voice to my left,
a drawling male voice. "And she even knows how to blush. I expect to enjoy
myself quite a lot with her, even before she starts to moan and squirm. I
think, after this morning, no one can deny I'm entitled to firsts."

"You don't have to look for challenges that aren't there, Jer-Mar," another
male voice said from a different place around the table, a faint hint of
petulance to the words. "You've placed higher than anyone else on our level,
and we know it as well as you do. If you can hold that place for another four
days, you'll be leaving us to move up to the next level. "

"When, not if," the man to my left corrected smugly, shifting in his chair.
"Once you take that one major step it starts getting easier rather than
harder, so much easier you'd have trouble believing it. It was hell dividing
that first projection in half, but now I can hold the result for more than
thirty seconds before starting to tire. Once they move me up to the next
level, who knows what I'll find I can do."

"You might even cause Kel-Ten to start worrying," a third voice said, and this
one was chuckling. "If you keep going the way you've begun, you won't only be
able to challenge him, you'll have first dip ahead of him. Which might be more
of a favor, or so I hear. The word going around is that he's bored and making
some trouble. "

"Only a man with something wrong with him could get bored with first dip," the
man to my left, Jer-Mar, said with a very cultured sneer. "When I get firsts
on that level, you won't find me getting bored. And speaking of firsts, sweet
thing, your food is on the table in front of you. Eat up fast like a good
little thing, and then Jer-Mar will take you to his apartment for a while. No
need to let it go until after dinner."

The man reached over to me and put his finger to my ear, caressing the outer
edge before poking abruptly inside. I jerked my head away with a feeling of
disgust, but he just laughed, took my face in his hand, and forced me to look
over at him. It was something I hadn't wanted to do for a very specific
reason, and as soon as my eyes were on him I knew I'd been right. That woman
Quatry, the one who was the leader or whatever, had told me Iii been "helped"-
for my first meeting with the men, and she hadn't been joking. The desire that
shivered through my body wasn't my own idea, and certainly wasn't being caused
by the brown-haired, blue-eyed man who held my face. The arrogance in his
stare was that of a grown-up spoiled brat, but I was partially wrong about his
not being the cause of the way I felt. His very presence was the cause, that
and whatever they'd injected into me, and the flaring anger behind my eyes did
only a little against the rising heat lower down.

"Well, well, what pretty green eyes the sweet thing has," the man drawled with
a grin, obviously knowing what he had made happen to me. "I do believe she's
now ready to eat up fast, so Jer-Mar can get to his fun. She really needs him
to have his fun, don't you, sweet thing?"

"Stop talking to me as though I were a worthless pet," I choked out as I
pulled my face from his hand, ignoring the laughter coming from those around
the table. "I'm a Prime just the same as you are, and you have no right
talking to me as though I weren't."

"Oh, stubborn indeed," the man said with brows raised high, but he was still
grinning and enjoying himself. "Yes, sweet thing, you are a Prime, but
certainly not the same as I. I am a male and you are a female, and that means
you squirm while I make you squirm. We simply aren't on the same level, you
and I, so why waste time discussing it? Being a Prime for you means you get to
serve those of us who are the best there are, and that's as close as you can
come to any sort of importance. But just look at how much they've given you to
eat. Surely that's an indication of some sort of importance-or maybe it isn't.
Maybe it's just that they think you're too skinny or undernourished. Let's
take a look and see if they're right. "

With no more warning than that his hands came to the front of my smock, and
then he pulled it open while his friends roared with laughter. The women were
laughing too, even Mera, and I was so furious I couldn't control myself.
Without an instant's hesitation I slapped that weak-featured, arrogant face
with every ounce of strength I had, wishing I could slap it in an entirely
other way. He wouldn't have tried doing that to me if-something-was different,
but I still refused to allow it to happen. I was alone-I was alone-but I still
wouldn't let it happen.

It took a moment before I became aware of the dead silence that had fallen at
our table, and of the odd pressure that I could feel in what seemed to be the
very air around my mind. The man Jer-Mar had jerked back to stare at me with
mad-eyed, voiceless fury, his entire body trembling with the rage, and for an
instant it seemed as though he were attacking without moving, attacking,
attacking . . .

It was ridiculous, of course, because he really hadn't moved except to pull
back, and that's not the way someone or something attacks. It would have been
understandable if I were trembling the way he was, but I found to my surprise
that I wasn't. My hands were steady when I went to reclose my smock, no more
than a tingling in the right palm from the slap I'd delivered, and then it
came to me that it wasn't so surprising after all. I hadn't been threatened by
a dangerous man, I'd been pawed by a little boy, and how frightening is that
supposed to be? It was closer to being annoying, especially since I was
beginning to wish more and more that there were real men around there . . . .

"You have to be out of your mind," Jer-Mar said at last, bringing my eyes up
to see the way he was still breathing hard and glaring hate-daggers into my
flesh. "No other female has ever dared touch one of us like that! -How I wish
you weren't protected against me, shut down and safe inside your little shell!
I'd show you then what you were stupid enough to challenge, I'd show you.

"Please accept the profuse apologies we offer, Prime Jer-Mar," a voice said
from behind me, and then two security females were to either side of me again,
a third woman in a yellow uniform accompanying them. She stopped to my left,
near the angry little boy's chair, and her skin actually seemed pale even in
the soft, intimate lighting of the room. "The girl is new and has no idea of
your true importance, so we beg you to forgive her. We, ourselves, will punish
rather than forgive, and will deliver her back to you later for your pleasure.
When you find her sufficiently chastened, we hope you will accept her. "

I was free of the ankle cuff and chair by then, my arms again in the
possession of the two Secs, but I still stood where Jer-Mar could see me. He
looked up at my face and then he deliberately smiled, leaning back comfortably
in his chair.

"Yes, do return her to me afterward," he drawled, his narrow chest swelling
from all the bowing and scraping he'd been given by the woman in yellow. "I
expect to enjoy that quite a lot, possibly even more than the ride I'll take.
Later, sweet thing, definitely later."

He turned then to talk to one of the other men at the table, and I was taken
after the woman in yellow when she gestured to the Sees holding my arms and
then hurried off. A last glimpse of the people at the table had shown the men
outraged and the women disbelieving, all but Mera. She alone had looked
frightened and very upset, but obviously not on her own behalf.

I was taken back to the dormitory room and through it, and from there to the
office of the woman Quatry. By then my arms were hurting from the grip the two
Sees had on me, but the older woman in the yellow uniform was not in the least
concerned with my comfort. She froze me with her stare until I was brought to
a stop in front of her desk, and then she folded her hands on top of a neatly
placed folder.

"Tell me what she did to the Prime Jer-Mar," Quatry said to the woman in
yellow who had entered with us, talking to her but looking only at me. "I want
to hear it all, with her listening."

"She-she-slapped him," the woman said after swallowing hard, as though she
were reporting a murder and mutilation. "He went so far as to take an interest
in her, telling her to eat her food quickly so that she could follow him back
to his apartment, and she had the nerve to announce that he couldn't talk to
her like that, that she was a Prime, too! I thought he would be insulted and
almost intervened then, but he was gracious enough to laugh off such childish
boasting, and tried to show her he still found her attractive. That was when
she hit him."

"I have never in my life heard anything so inexcusable," Quatry pronounced,
her dark eyes glowing with cold fury. "If I hadn't had you watched closely and
carefully, there's no telling what you might have done next. Is it possible
you have anything at all to say for yourself about this insanity, that you can
in any way attempt to excuse it?"

"You seem to have chosen the right word when you picked `insanity,' " I said,
rubbing arms that had been released while trying to adapt to the idea that I
was asleep and having a nightmare. "Nothing about this entire situation is
sane, not you and not those-those-overgrown children. I am a free woman and a
Prime; I will not be spoken to as though I were a bauble of little value, and
I certainly won't be groped and pawed. I was not being done a favor, I was
being insulted; and if it ever happens again I'll do the very same thing. If
all of you are crazy here, that doesn't mean I have to go along with you."

The woman in yellow had gasped in shock over what I'd said, but Quatry was
stronger than that. She simply stared at me for a full frozen minute, then
slowly nodded her head.

"I should have seen this sooner, from your earlier behavior," she said,
sounding as though she had found a solution to a puzzling question. "You're
not bright enough to understand the quality of those around you, to see how
truly superior to you they are, so you simply reject everything and anything
you come across. Those men are trained Primes, trained in a way you could
never be and will never be. Through them and the offspring they produce,
Central will be made supreme over every other planet in the Amalgamation, not
merely the elected leader among equals. Whatever it is they want, that is
exactly what you will give them, and that while quietly bearing their
children. You, someone who hasn't even established her percentage level yet,
will not even speak to her betters unless spoken to first, and then she will
respond properly and politely. Do you understand me, girl? "

"What I understand is that you would certainly do better in my place than I
would," I said, understanding even more fully the futility of arguing with
mindless fanatics. "Why don't you and I trade places, and then you can kiss
the feet of those-marvels-in person?"

"I've already had the privilege of being in your place," she answered, and the
ice in her eyes cleared briefly to show pride and pleasure and fierce
satisfaction. "I served their sires all the years I was permitted to do so,
and some of the present generation have to be my sons. If you weren't a Prime
you would never be allowed near them, and even as a Prime you barely qualify.
It's my job to see to it that you do as you're told, and believe me, you will
do as you're told. For inexcusable behavior I sentence you to First
Punishment, the hardest sentence I'm able to give a first offender. If you
should prove to be too thickheaded to learn from that, it will be my pleasure
to go on from there. Get her out of my sight."

The two Sees took my arms again, and I was pulled out after the other woman in
yellow who led the way with a grimly satisfied expression on her face. She was
younger than the woman Quatry but not what might be considered young, which
probably meant she was the same sort of retired servant. I'd had my own ideas
as to what was done with female Primes who could no longer give them the
babies they wanted, but apparently some were made further use of instead of
merely being put quietly to sleep. It took a really sick mind to guard a
program with the conditioned aggressiveness of former victims of that program,
and I couldn't decide whether to feel angry or nauseated. Even mass murderers
didn't destroy their victims more than once.

I was distracted with my thoughts for a moment or two after leaving the
office, but was brought back to what was going on around me when I noticed I
was being taken away from the dormitory doors and up the corridor to the
branching. When Id first been led in it had been up the left-hand fork, but
now I was taken past the guard post and to the right. Passing the curve
brought to sight three unmarked doors, one to the left, two to the right, and
it was into the first of the right-hand doors that I was taken. The room was
small and pale yellow, with nothing in it but a padded table and a narrow
cabinet against one wall, not enough to be called ominous or to cause unease.
The woman in yellow closed the door behind the Sees and me, and the smile she
wore finally forced me to consider the question of what they were going to do
to me.

"Put her on the table," the woman in yellow said as she walked to the cabinet,
the anticipation in her voice so laced with a sense of justice, you might say,
that I began to be aware of a flutter inside me. I hadn't spent much time
thinking about what they would do to me for refusing to cooperate, the refusal
itself had seemed much too natural to generate thoughts like that. They were
wrong and I was right, and what else was there to consider? I had thought it
possible they might kill me, but now I could see they weren't going to kill
me.

The first thing the Secs did was take away my smock, and then I was forced
face down onto the padded table. The material of the table was warm and
comfortable rather than cold and hard, and my wrists and ankles were closed
into soft, gentle bindings rather than unyielding metal. For some reason my
heart was beating rather hard by that time, just as though I were being
threatened with some barbaric torture, but that was ridiculous. Misguided or
not, those were still people of a civilized culture, as far from naked,
screaming savages as-

"Hold her thigh," the woman in yellow directed, and as soon as two strong
hands had complied I felt the stinging stab of a needle. Something was
injected into me and then the woman went back to the cabinet, returning to the
table a moment later with a bottle of clear liquid in one hand and a wad of
cotton in the other. The smile she looked down at me with was just short of
gleeful, and I discovered I was trying to pull my wrists free from where they
were bound below the edges of the table.

"So you have the unmitigated gall to think you were right in what you did,"
she said, a definite edge of fanaticism to her voice as she continued to smile
that same smile. "You offended a man so far above you that you should have
fainted in delight at his even noticing you, and you aren't even sorry you did
it. I think, dear, we now have to search for that sorrow, and when we find it
you're to tell me at once. If it's deep enough and sincere enough it might get
you something of a reprieve, but don't expect the reprieve to come too
quickly. Living with sorrow for a time brings a bad girl regret for having
been bad, and you were a very bad girl indeed. You'll tell me that, too, that
you were a bad girl, and then you'll tell me how sorry you are. Are you
ready?"

I had the impression that her question was for me, but one of the Secs took it
as a cue. She gathered my hair together and pulled it away from my back, and
then the woman in yellow came too close to the table for me to see her where
she stood. I heard the sound of a bottle being uncapped and then the slosh of
liquid, and a moment later a wet line was being drawn across my back. The line
went from left to right before it ended, I heard the slosh of liquid again,
and then another wet line was being drawn. My heart had really begun hammering
when the first of the liquid had touched me, but the second line was completed
and a third started, and I still felt nothing but wet. No pain, nothing but
the mildest of discomfort-I didn't understand what they were doing.

I didn't understand, that is, until I was completely covered with lines, and
then those lines began to dry.



Chapter 4

I was able to keep from screaming for a while, but the more the liquid dried,
the more the pain intensified. It began by stinging just a little, like a
faint and not very serious rope burn, but then the sting changed to a
sharpened throb, and then to a flaming that felt as though it were eating into
my flesh, and finally it began searing so deep that I thought I would be
burned to nothing by it. When the pain first started I tried to free my hands
to rub at it, to try to brush or rub the liquid off before it dried any more,
but I couldn't free myself no matter what I did. The bindings on my wrists
kept me pressed flat against the table, my breasts crushed under me, my head
able to raise up no more than a matter of inches. My ankles, too, were held
gently but inflexibly, allowing my toes no latitude for digging in, no
purchase of any sort. I wanted to get off that table and claw at myself, but
it just. wouldn't let me go!

"Am I mistaken, or did I just hear a whimper?" the woman in yellow asked in a
faintly interested voice, moving a bit to her left so that I might see her. I
had my right cheek pressed hard into the padding of the table as my mind
fought to deny what was happening, and she looked down at me and smiled.

"You might be interested to know that no real damage is being done to you,"
she said, her easy, conversational tone making me shiver. "Your nerve endings
may not believe that, but it's entirely true. You may feel as though the skin
is being whipped off you in strips, but it isn't really happening. Doesn't
that put your mind at ease'?"

Just then my mind was too busy clanging with shock, as more and more of the
lines dried in turn. I couldn't believe how high the pain was growing, how the
entire back of me felt as though it were being set on fire. I tried to pull at
the bindings again, then couldn't keep from crying out, my own movement having
made it all flame even higher. After that I fought to lie still, to breathe as
shallowly as possible, to do nothing that would add to the rising agony, but
then an unexpected cross-line flared and my body twitched and then I screamed
and the scream made it worse and I wanted to convulse but the bindings
wouldn't let me and I screamed again and again and again and

After an endless time surrounded by burning red I must have fainted, but I
think I was screaming again even before I completely woke up. It went on and
on like that, agonizing consciousness occasionally slipping into black times
of no real relief, determination forgotten, noble intentions forgotten, only a
very small me left right in the center of it all. Finally, after ages of
knowing nothing but intense agony, I awoke to find that the level of pain had
fallen just a little, enough so that my raw throat could settle for mewling
instead of screams. I think I was terrified, but there wasn't enough sense of
judgment left in me to be sure.

"You poor   dear, you look exhausted," a female voice said from somewhere to my
left, and   a hand touched my sweatsoaked hair. "I tried to give you enough time
to search   for that sorrow we were talking about, and you've apparently used
every bit   of it. Were you successful, or do you need just a little longer?"

"No, please, no," I whispered, unable to open my eyes, helpless to stop
trembling, the small bit of me left inside shuddering in terror. "I'm sorry I
did that, please, I'm so sorry, I swear I'll never do it again, I swear! Don't
bring the rest of the pain back, please don't . . . "

"Oh, what a good girl you're starting to be," the woman's voice said with
heavy approval, the hand patting my hair again. "But we still remember what a
bad girl you were. Are we going to see any more of that bad girl?"

"No, no, I'll be good, I swear I will," I babbled, my chest heaving against
the padded table. I suddenly thought I was back in the creche, facing the Head
after having been found doing something wrong. "Please don't hurt me like that
again, I swear I'll be good."

"Of course you will," the woman's voice said, satisfaction now mixed in with
the approval. "To help you keep that in mind some of the pain will be left
with you, but not too much of it. Tell me: what will you do if the Prime
Jer-Mar is generous enough to find interest in you again?"

If my eyes had been open I would have closed them, in a useless attempt to
keep the tears from flowing out and running down my cheeks. That time, with my
eyes already closed, it didn't help at all. The tears slid down my face to the
padded table under my right cheek, starting a pool that would unfortunately
not be deep enough to drown in. The only thing available for me to drown in
was pain, that and deep, curling shame.

"I'll do anything he wants me to," I whispered, the sobs already beginning.
"Anything, anything . . ."

Anything I had to m order to keep that agony from touching me again, to put an
end to the need to scream. I'd thought I was strong and noble and brave, but
all I was was a coward, shivering at the thought of being hurt like that
again. To be brave I needed something I didn't have, something I couldn't even
remember, but something I knew I'd never have again. I'd been lying to myself,
thinking I could do it alone, and now I'd been taught that I couldn't. When
you're all alone all you can really do is cry, and they were cruel enough to
let me learn that.

I was so exhausted I fell asleep, and when I woke up there were two more women
in the room. They were slender, young, and seriously quiet, both dressed in
onepiece things like uniforms that weren't uniforms, made of heavy material in
a dull green color. They watched without comment while I was released from the
table, possibly wondering why I moved so slowly and carefully, possibly
already knowing. The all-consuming agony was gone, but I still felt as though
I'd been whipped over the entire back of me, as far down as my ankles. Worse
than that was the sense of defeat I was sunk into, but defeat doesn't make you
draw your breath in sharply if you accidentally lean back against something
without thinking. All it does is make you not really care that you've caused
yourself unnecessary hurt; you've already accepted so much hurt, what
difference can a little more make?

The two women in dull green had brought a freshening kit with them, the sort
that people take with them when they go off on vacation to leave civilization
behind, but would rather not part with certain essentials. The kit used sonics
or something to clean you when water wasn't available, and most people agreed
it did a better job than water. The only thing it didn't do was satisfy the
way water did, but you can't have everything. If you wanted to be clean you
used the kit, and waited until you got home to your bath to be satisfied.

The freshening kit took away the smell and sweat of too much pain, and I
couldn't even find enough curiosity in me to ask why I hadn't been taken
instead to the shower stalls I'd been told about. The two Secs and the woman
in yellow watched while I was made clean again and my hair was brushed, and
then they watched while I was dressed. My thin cloth smock had been put
somewhere, and in place of it the women produced something I couldn't at first
believe they were serious about. The underneath layer consisted of having my
nipples brushed with something wet before golden glitter was sprinkled on
them, and a very thin, fine, glittering, golden metal chain girdle was closed
around my hips. The girdle also had a thin section that went down between my
legs and up again to be fastened behind, but when I tried to tell the women
they'd made it too tight, I discovered it hadn't been an accident. My
unimportant observation was ignored the way all petty distractions are, and
the women went on with their work.

The top layer of my new outfit was something like a robe, high to my throat in
front, down to my toes, and almost to my fingertips. In back it was open from
my neck down to below my waist and closed from there, with a single thin chain
of gold across the middle of my back to hold it properly closed and make it
hang right. Wearing it hurt a little despite the fact that the material was so
thin it might well have been cobwebs, but the pain wasn't what bothered me
most. The robe was a lovely green and very graceful and delicate, but it was
also completely transparent. Under it I was more than naked, much, much more,
and everyone who looked at me would be able to see that. I was given nothing
for my feet, but that felt more appropriate than surprising. The people around
me wore shoes or boots, but not being a people meant I didn't get to do the
same. The woman in yellow came closer to look me over, and then she smiled.

"We've taken care of seeing to you this one time, dear, but from now on you're
responsible for dressing yourself," she said, putting a hand under my chin to
raise my head a little. "If and when you're claimed for a night, you'll tell
someone so that you can be given an outfit that will please the Prime who
claimed you. And what will you do for that Prime or any other?"

"Anything he wants me to," I answered tonelessly, making no attempt to meet
her eyes. It didn't matter what I said or didn't say, nothing mattered, not
any more. There was nothing in the way of fight left in me, and I just didn't
care.

"What a good girl you're going to be," the woman said, patting my cheek in
approval before taking her hand away. "Leader Quatry and I have discussed the
matter, and we've decided that although you'll be going in to join the men at
dinner, you needn't bother letting the chef know where you're seated. Since
you've refused nourishment twice today, we've decided that it won't really
hurt you if it's not offered again until tomorrow. By then you'll know better
than to refuse what's given you, won't you, dear?"

I could almost feel the smile that was being sent toward me, that and the
enjoyment which seemed to fill her. They were going to make me go hungry until
they were ready to graciously forgive me, but that wasn't the added punishment
they thought it was. Despite the fact that I couldn't remember the last time
I'd eaten, I didn't expect to ever be hungry again. When Id looked down at my
body I'd thought I was thinner than usual, thinner than I was somehow supposed
to be, but that was nothing but more help. The end would come sooner that way,
with less time that had to pass while I did "everything and anything." I still
couldn't remember my previous reason for wanting to die, but having a
brand-new reason made remembering totally unnecessary.

Since there was nothing left that needed to be done to me, the two women in
dull green were allowed to leave, and then the woman in yellow led me and the
two Secs back to the dormitory room. When we reached it I could see through
the wide windows that it had grown dark out during my time in the other room,
and small, distant lights had been lit around the walls to replace the lost
sunlight. It still wasn't anything like bright and cheerful in that big,
circular place, but none of the women in it appeared to notice or care. They
were all putting the finishing touches on themselves, either happily adjusting
gaily-colored, provocative outfits or miserably brushing hair that fell onto
nothing but plain, cloth smocks. Possibly one or two looked up as I was led
back to my cot and left there, but I really didn't care. The stares of my
fellow victims weren't what would soon add terribly to the shame I hadn't been
strong enough to keep from touching me.

"Terry, are you all right?" Mera demanded in a whisper as she came away from
her cot, glancing nervously at the retreating figures of the ones who had
brought me there. "I knew they would punish you for doing something that dumb,
I knew it! Sometimes hatchlings are so confused they try refusing to do what
they're supposed to, and when they bring them back they're always crying but
ready to be reasonable. I don't see any tears, but there's something-different
about you. What did they do to you?"

They defeated me I thought as I turned away from her, wishing I could lie
down. But I'd been told I wasn't permitted to lie down, that it would ruin my
outfit if I did, so all I could do was stand. Mera herself wore a pair of
trousers with billowy legs and a very short tunic top in a lovely and
transparent pink, and being barefoot didn't seem to bother her any more than
it bothered me. We both were obviously used to going barefoot, but I couldn't
quite recall how I had gotten used to it.

"No, Terry, don't start doing that," Mera said with something like fear as she
came around to stand where I could see her. "Don't withdraw into depression
and simply go through the motions, or they'll hurt you again. They want you to
be eager and attractive for our men, they won't accept anything else. You have
to smile, and laugh at the jokes you hear, and show them that you're really
trying. I've seen the results of what they do to bring girls out of
depression, and I don't want that happening to you. "

I think I shuddered at the thought of their doing something else to me, my
hand going to my mouth to keep the violent illness inside, and Mera put her
own hand to my arm in the only gesture of comfort she could give. She and I
both had outfits on that weren't supposed to be ruined, and if shed hugged me
the way she seemed to want to do, someone would have been displeased.

"Okay, we've just decided we're not going to let something like that happen to
you," Mera said quickly, then put on a smile that almost seemed real. "I know
it's Jer-Mar you have to go with tonight and that you don't like him, so we're
going to work very hard at understanding and remembering that it's only for
the night. He never pays attention to any one girl for longer than that, so
it's just tonight you have to get through. After that the others will try you,
and some of them are really nice. You'll stay with me as much as you can and
do what I do, and then everything will be fine. You just wait and see, they
won't have a reason to hurt you again."

By that time she sounded completely convinced, but I was convinced of
something else entirely. They weren't going to let me die, they were going to
force me to keep on living, and if they couldn't talk me into it they would
hurt me into it. I didn't know what to do, didn't know what I could do, but
the panic that had begun rising in me wasn't allowed the time to fill me
completely. Musical notes sounded, telling us we had to go in to dinner, and
Mera quickly urged me along with her, whispering words of encouragement and
reassurance.

The dining room had been subtly changed to project an aura of evening rather
than noon, and most of the women were already inside it before the men
appeared. It was fairly clear they were making an entrance, their casual
clothing of earlier in the day having been changed to the most elegant evening
wear it was possible to have. Every imaginable color in the shape of formal
suits erupted into the room with their arrival, brilliant ascots adding to the
breathless display, and although the women around me had undoubtedly seen the
same thing many times before, they gasped as one with awe and delight. I found
myself gasping right along with them, but for an entirely different reason.
The arousal 1 d been made to feel at lunch had been overcome by the presence
of pain, but suddenly it was back again, three or four times worse than
before. I gasped at the burning itch that flared between my thighs, not
understanding why it was happening until I remembered the injection given me
by the woman in yellow. I'd thought the injection had had something to do with
the liquid fire shed put on me, but maybe it hadn't . . . .

"Well, well, what do we have here?" a voice drawled from very near, a voice
that made me look up. The man Jer-Mar and his friends had reached us, and he
stood just a few feet away letting his eyes move deliberately over me. He wore
a green formal suit and boots and a gold ascot, and the green of his suit was
exactly the same shade as my transparent robe. If I'd had any doubt as to who
I'd been given to for that evening, the color scheme was meant to lay them to
rest. I hated the look of that arrogant, foolish face, but when he stepped
forward to get even closer, my body responded with a gush of moisture that
nearly made me gasp again.

"Were you well punished, sweet thing?" he asked with that same insulting
amusement, raising one hand to brush a finger across my cheek. "I'd venture to
say you were, so I'll have my apology now. Tell Jer-Mar how sorry you are for
being bad, and he'll tell you if he forgives you."

"I'm-sorry I was bad," I managed to get out, completely unable to look at him.
"I didn't know what I was doing, and I won't do it again. I don't know what
else to say, except that I hope you'll accept my-"

My words broke off with a grunt as his hand moved to my breast, and I had to
close my eyes against what he was making me feel. I couldn't remember ever
needing a man so much in my entire life, and the too-tight chain of the girdle
was suddenly turning it a good deal worse.

"I just noticed how stiff your nipples are, my pretty little thing," he said,
laughing at me as he all but ignored the apology he'd asked for. "You're going
to give me a real good ride when I'm ready to take it, aren't you? I love the
taste of eagerness, so I think I'll have a sip of it now. "

His fingers left my breast to raise my face, and then he was holding me to him
as his lips covered mine. I didn't want his kiss and yet I needed it very
badly, a kiss that usually led to something I needed even more. The way he was
holding me made my back hurt, but the pain wasn't enough to distract me from
the more demanding feelings flashing through me. He took the kiss hard with no
attempt to share, something that upset me but also did nothing to help, and
then he suddenly ended the kiss, let me go, and stepped back.

"And now on to the meal, I think," he announced to his grinning friends,
clearly satisfied over having gotten what he wanted and caring nothing about
what it had done to me. The others made sounds of agreement and the ones who
hadn't yet chosen a woman began doing so, the ones with previously chosen
founts of adoration spending the waiting time teasing or examining their
victims. I discovered that victim really was the perfect word when Jer-Mar
blessed me with partial attention of the same kind. His hand slid into the
open back of my robe and began to stroke my bottom, but when I moaned and
tried to press myself up against him in wordless begging, he pushed me away in
disinterested refusal.

It took only a few moments before everyone was ready, and then we all went to
a table. The men walked ahead talking to one another, none of them looking
back, but there was really no reason for them to look back. Their simpering
satellites hurried in their wake as though they were on leashes, their gazes
clinging to the backs of the men who had honored them. Mera acted as though
she wanted to do almost the same, but she hadn't lost her determination to
watch over me. She coaxed and urged me along with the group, constantly
reminding me that it would all soon be over with.
By the time the happy group was seated and meal orders had been given to and
received from the table's autochef, I found I was as completely forgotten
about and ignored as the rest of the women. The men were having a friendly
disagreement over the best way to attack while still defending, but made no
mention of how they were attacking or who, or what they were defending with.
Nothing in the way of food was delivered to me, and no one was so unreasonable
as to offer me any of theirs.

Sitting in the very comfortable chair was painful in various ways, but it
didn't take long to discover that my mind wasn't paying attention to the pain.
I still felt horribly defeated and crushingly shamed, but there was a very
small core of anger beginning to glow under those feelings, the heat of it
starting to burn upward and outward. I'd been hurt so badly that the thought
of having to face the same agony again made me immediately and automatically
ill, but the core of anger was refusing to be affected by any part of that. It
was growling with the insistence that no one had the right to treat me the way
those people were treating me, and seemed to be demanding that I do something
to make them stop. If I hadn't been so confused and upset I might have laughed
at the idea, the completely outrageous idea that I could make them all stop
what they were doing to me, but I had the impression the anger inside would
have ignored the laughter. It seemed to believe I could do something other
than just sit helplessly by, and therefore refused to stop heating up and
spreading.

The dinner turned out to be a rather long one, and I would have had to have
been dead not to notice that Jer-Mar was purposely dragging it out. The other
men seemed to be used to following his lead, and when he ordered another
bottle of wine and then sat back to discuss how he intended decorating his
new-level apartment, some of his cronies looked faintly surprised but none of
them objected. A few of the women around the table had been allowed a taste of
the first bottle of wine, but not all of them and none got a second taste. I
remembered then what I'd been told about diet restrictions, and the anger
inside me took that, too, as fuel.

By the time the mighty Prime finally decided he'd made me wait long enough,
the small core of anger in me had grown to triple its original size. The
entire back of me felt as though I'd suffered a low-intensity burn, and the
tightened chain between my legs had become more than painful. That chain was
probably supposed to have added to the raging need I'd been made to feel, but
it had done a more effective job on my anger. I remembered thinking I'd never
before needed a man so much, but during the time everyone else was eating my
mind had apparently been working, and now I seemed to recall an episode when
I'd been forced to feel the same way. I couldn't bring any of the details
back, but I was convinced there had been such a time; I'd feared the people
who had done that to me, but somewhere deep inside I'd also been furious.

"And now, my friends, I believe I'm in the mood for some entertainment," that
fatuous voice came, accompanied by his rising from the chair next to me. "Come
along, sweet thing, and we'll learn exactly how eager you are to please
Jer-Mar."

This time he waited for me to get to my feet rather than simply moving off,
and once I was standing he took my hand and led the way to the center of the
dining room. Since I'd been expecting him to show me to his apartment I didn't
understand what was happening, not until he picked me up and then went to one
knee to put me flat on the carpeting.

"No, no, my pretty little thing, I don't want you up again," he said as I
tried to struggle back to my feet, his left fist closing painfully in my hair.
"Those in charge of you may have punished you for being a bad little girl, but
I haven't given you all of my punishment yet. I remember what caused your
misbehavior; you'll remember what you earned with it."

He gestured to one of his now-laughing friends and the man came to take over
holding my hair, which freed both of Jer-Mar's hands. The crony's fist was
almost as tight as his leader's had been, and although I knew I shouldn't be
struggling, I couldn't seem to help myself. More and more faces were -starting
to join those already circled around where I'd been put on the carpeting, and
all of them were laughing. They knew what that-man-was going to do to me and I
couldn't stand the thought of being humiliated like that.

"You do indeed have a sweet, eager body, little thing," Jer-Mar said as he
used both hands to slide the robe up on me, his crouching to one side letting
him avoid the kicking of my legs. "We're all going to see every bit of it and
more, and then you're going to please me. And you do need very much to be
pleasing, don't you?"

He took both of my nipples between his fingers then, squeezing them harder and
harder, but not so hard that the pain was a distraction. The people watching
laughed at my moan, a reaction I wouldn't have had without that "help" I'd
been given, and I couldn't keep from closing my eyes in shame. My hands went
from trying to push the fist from my hair to beating blindly at the man
touching me like that, but apparently that was exactly what he'd been waiting
for. His fingers were gone before my wildly swinging hands could reach any
part of him, and suddenly there was a body forcing itself between my
frantically kicking legs.

"Are you blushing, my precious?" Jer-Mar asked with real amusement in his
voice, his elbows keeping my knees to either side of his body. "How sweet to
see modesty in a little thing like you, and also how touching. Well, will you
look at this. What do we have here?"

Just as though he didn't know what it was, his hands went to the chain that
was now so easily in his reach. I choked when he touched me and tried to get
away, but his free hand got a grip on my thigh and then he went on
investigating his "find. " It didn't take long before he had me screaming, but
the laughter of the crowd almost drowned me out. Half of the laughter seemed
to be vicious delight, maybe even more than half, but part of it felt like
desperation to fit in, and knee-weakening relief that it was someone other
than them who was being treated like that. It came to me in a vague flash that
I was not only frantic but wild enough to imagine strange reactions around me,
and then Jer-Mar grew bored with toying with his little "thing." His fingers
detached the chain from the front of the girdle, left me for a moment to
presumably see to his own preparation, and then he was thrusting inside me.

I knew how terribly bad off I was, how desperately I needed the attentions of
any man, and for that reason was surprised when Jer-Mar's heavy stroking
didn't drive me deeper into helpless response. After a couple of minutes my
mind began to clear, and that was when I noticed I wasn't doing anything more
.than accepting what was being done to me. I wasn't moaning with delight, or
begging him not to stop, or frantic to give him anything and everything. What
I felt most strongly was pain in my back, a good part of that due to the fact
that Jer-Mar didn't seem to know better than to rest so much of his weight on
me. Like an inexperienced boy he was too wrapped up in working off his
excitement, hips pounding and eyes closed in self-centered pleasure. He paid
no attention to the woman he used, and might just as well have been using a
woman-shaped doll.

By the time he spasmed with release, I was back to being filled with almost
nothing but fury. I was so humiliated by what he had done to me that I wanted
to scream with the rage of it, and the fact that he hadn't satisfied me only
added to the rest of it. Those fools who were standing all around were still
laughing, just as though they had the right to look down on me, but I knew
better than that. They didn't have the right, none of them did, and some how,
some way, I would prove it.

"And so the sweet little hatchling has been given her first ride," Jer-Mar
said as he lifted himself off me, using one hand to see to his clothing before
rising the rest of the way. "I never realized how stimulating public
punishment could be, and regret now that I didn't try it sooner. I'll
certainly have to try it again, though, and possibly even with the same mount.
You may now apologize again, little thing, and thank me for having honored you
in a way you didn't really deserve."

He stood there looking down at me with a superior sneer, accepting the
chuckling and backslaps from his friends as nothing more than his due,
watching as I turned to my right side on' the carpeting and then sat up. He
was probably hoping he'd hurt me, definitely expecting me to be devastated,
but he hadn't hurt me in the least, and all I felt was mad.

I apologize for having tried to fight you off, Jer-Mar," I said, looking up to
meet his eyes directly. "If Id known you were going to go at it for so short
an amount of time, I wouldn't have bothered protesting. I really appreciate
the way you honored me, but I do have a question: when does it get to be my
turn to be satisfied?"

There were so many gasps and choking noises from the people all around, that
it sounded like a windstorm rising in a forest. The blood drained out of
Jer-Mar's face and then it came back to make him look like he'd been slapped,
a bright flush of crimson humiliation that went a good distance toward getting
even for what he'd done to me. In my imagination I could feel the way the men
in the room were now laughing at him, not aloud but still plain enough to
sense, and again there came a feeling of pressure around my mind, as though
something were trying to squeeze me to nothing.

The man who had tried to add to my shame stood with fists clenched, eyes
bulging, and no expression for a very short time, and then he seemed to grow
even angrier with frustration. His face twisted with savage fury, and he made
a gesture of dismissal.

"Turned off is untouchable, but only in that way," he said with a snarl, then
shook off the hands of his friends who tried holding him where he stood. "I
don't care what the policy against really hurting them is, nobody talks to me
like that. Nobody."

With that he started toward me, his right hand still clenched into a fist, and
it wasn't hard figuring out what he intended doing with that fist. I got to my
feet as quickly as I could, but made no attempt to back away from the oncoming
attack. I'd known Jer-Mar was the sort who could be goaded into something that
wasn't supposed to be done, someone who could be pushed until he pushed back
just a little too hard. No one in that place was willing to let me die, but if
it happened before any of them could stop it . . .

It took only seconds for the man to reach me, wonderfully brief bits of time
that I happily greeted the end of, his fist beginning to rise to the ready
point while his eyes filled with vicious satisfaction. It was just about to
happen and too late for any of the Secs to interfere; he was going to do it-
But then his rush faltered as he looked past me, and stiffness replaced the
readiness in him.
"That's a good boy, Jer-Mar," a deep voice said from behind me, a calm and
easy voice filled with the faintest hint of amusement. "Trying to hurt one of
the girls will get the boy's ears pinned back hard, but not by the fools who
run this place. And you have to admit she was telling the truth. That's not
the first time I've heard it suggested you'd still be the next thing to a
virgin if the girls had anything to say about it. If you were smart, you'd
look into the possibility of taking a few lessons."

"From you?" Jer-Mar came back with all the scorn he was capable of, but there
was still an almost-trembling inside him, a fear of sorts that limited him to
the use of no more than words. "The story around here is that you're having
trouble cutting it, Kel-Ten. Everyone's waiting for the time you're defeated,
so a real man can take over firsts. That time may not be too far ahead of us.
"

"That's right, you are due to move up soon, aren't you?" the deep voice said,
and the amusement in it had increased. "I've been meaning to come by and tell
you how much I'm looking forward to that. And the story you should have been
hearing is that I'm bored with cutting it, but I doubt if you're capable of
understanding something that deep. You're not smart enough to know there's
more to life than working up to a challenge, and in between dipping your
brains out. Come to think of it, maybe that's why you're not smart enough."

"So to cure your boredom, you come slumming," Jer-Mar said, his eyes
glittering with the wish that he could

go beyond that. "You stroll in and act the great protector, but what you've
really accomplished is doing me a favor. They would have drawn and quartered
me if I'd managed to hurt the pretty little thing, but now I've calmed down
enough to step back and let them do it. She took their first efforts hard
enough to start out this evening with a real attempt to apologize. I can't
wait to see what the next set does to her."

The look on his face was pure vindictive glee, and closing my eyes in defeat
didn't stop me from knowing about it. I'd been so torn apart when my plans
hadn't worked out, that I hadn't even turned to see who had ruined them. Now I
was more than torn apart, more like close to stark terror, and the next words
I heard began to freeze my blood.

"We humbly beg your pardon, Prime Jer-Mar," the voice of the woman m yellow
came, the tremble in it undoubtedly caused by anguish and anger both. "We
returned her to you thinking she was now worthy of your attentions, but
obviously we were wrong. The next time she's brought back, there won't be any
possibility of our being wrong."

That was the signal for the hard, uncaring hands to close on my arms again,
hands that would drag me back to agony I couldn't even bear to think about.
Opening my eyes again was something I couldn't bring myself to do, as though
the nightmare would dissolve and drift away if I didn't look at it, leaving me
safe and unhurt. The hands closed tighter and began pushing and pulling me,
refusing to dissolve the way they were supposed to, forcing me to take the
first steps toward crushing horror. Part of me wanted to whimper and beg for
forgiveness, to swear that I'd never do anything like that again, but the rest
of me refused to let the words come out. 'Women were lucky in that they didn't
have to be strong at all times, I remembered from somewhere, but most of me
dismissed the thought as unacceptable. Some women couldn't let themselves be
anything but strong, especially if they were alone-without someone really
strong beside them whose strength they could share
"Where do you think you're taking her?" that deep, calm voice came again with
no warning, a big hand suddenly on my shoulder in company with the words.
"Were you given permission to take her?"

"But-but-Prime Kel-Ten, you don't seem to understand," the woman in yellow
began to stutter, choking up in horror over having to disagree with one of her
gods. "The girl was obscenely, unbelievably insulting to a Prime, a man who's
one of your own! She has to be punished for that, she simply has to be, it
would be unthinkable to allow anything else! I do hope you're not upset over
my having spoken to you like that, but . . . "

"But you're missing the point," the deep voice interrupted, surprisingly
sounding gentle rather than annoyed. "Prime Jer-Mar hasn't yet reached the
point where he's one of mine, and even if he does eventually get there that
doesn't change the fact that I want the girl. I was about to take her with me
when you and your Sees interrupted, but I'm prepared to forgive you for not
knowing that. If you like, I'll punish her for you, but I'm still taking her
with me."

"You have no right taking that girl!" Jer-Mar snarled with frustrated fury,
while confusion forced my eyes open to see how close he was to throwing a fit.
"She belongs here with the rest of the no and low percentage fluff, not . . .
"

"Wrong again, big man," the deep voice said, all gentleness having disappeared
from it. "I can take any girl I care to, from highest to lowest, and no one
will do anything but smile and nod. It's one of the privileges you get when
you reach the level I'm at-something I really do hope you manage. Until and
unless that happens, I can't do any challenging of my own. Tell your Secs to
let the girl go, woman. They're not Class Zeroes, and I don't want to have to
hurt them."

"Of course you don't, Prime Kel-Ten, of course you don't," the woman in yellow
said hurriedly with worry, while Jer-Mar paled and stepped back to fall
silent. "See, they've already let her go, so she's yours to take. You will
punish her while you have her, you did say you would, didn't you? No permanent
physical damage, of course, but that leaves quite a lot . . ."

The woman's voice faded away into the distance as the hand on my shoulder
directed me out of the dining room through the doors the men had used to
enter, the man belonging to the hand still nothing but a disembodied presence
behind me. The Sees had turned me loose so fast the woman in yellow hadn't had
a chance to give them the order, and the fact that they had actually looked
frightened added to my confusion. I was so relieved I wouldn't be going with
them that I wanted to tremble, but unbelievably I was also beginning to feel
angry again. I'd been claimed by one of those-men, one of those so-called
Primes, and my emotions were running in so many different directions I didn't
know how to feel.

"Don't harm yourself rushing to thank me for getting you out of that," the
deep voice said once we were through the doors and out into a wide, lobbylike
area, one that seemed at that moment deserted. "You have very little to be
grateful for, after all, so why be fanatic about it? Or are you still so
frightened that you're not capable of anything more than putting one foot in
front of the other?"

The last part of his commenting was an afterthought that took the dryness out
of his tone, but all it did for me was add burnables to that inner fire that
was giving me so much trouble. Everyone in that place was made of solid
arrogance, and I'd long since had more of it than anyone might be expected to
want.

"So you're waiting for me to thank you for appropriating me," 1 said, trying
to pull loose from that hand still on my shoulder. "As soon as I'm able to
recall asking you for the honor, I'll be sure to show my gratitude as fully as
I can. If by some chance you're also waiting for me to beg you not to send me
back, I think I ought to mention that you're wasting your time. I fully expect
to end up back with those sadists eventually, so I've decided not to waste
good begging. And now that I've insulted you as well, we can just turn around
and . . ."

"If you don't mind, I'm the one who :s supposed to be giving the orders around
here," he said, his big hand refusing to turn me loose. "If I decide I'm
getting tired of it, then you can take over, but until then it stays my
privilege alone. That, of course, includes deciding when and if I've been
insulted. And you really should understand I can't take you back yet. We have
to work on getting you to remember when you asked me to help you, so you'll
have the opportunity to be fully grateful."

He sounded so very amused that my core of anger grew furious, just as though
it were a separate, living person inside me. The rest of me was also more than
mildly annoyed, and both together gave me a good enough reason to begin
struggling to free myself from his grip. I swung wildly with my arms and
managed to hit the arm of the hand holding me, and very briefly I was rewarded
with being entirely free. I used the opportunity to start to run, to what
destination I had no idea, but being free and alone was a good enough
intention to begin with. I must have taken three or four steps before a hand
closed on my arm, and then I was pulled back to a broader chest than I'd been
picturing.

"You're trying to leave already?" he asked, looking down at me with laughter
in his eyes as his arms held me to him. "Without first showing me how grateful
you can be? People have always told me how beautiful and desirable I am. Are
you trying to say they were lying?"

At that exact moment I wasn't trying to say anything, most especially because
I couldn't seem to find the words. Seeing his face had been something of a
shock, but I couldn't understand why. Rather than being boyish-featured he had
a broad, manly face, one that was really quite handsome. It made me feel very
odd to look at him, almost fluttery inside and the next thing to shy, but I
didn't understand why that should be. After all, it wasn't as though Iii never
seen a handsome, blond, blue-eyed man before.



Chapter 5

"This is it," Kel-Ten said after opening the door and pulling me inside by the
hand he held, then closing the door behind us. "What do you think of your new
cage?"

The room we had entered was Just short of enormous, and was more opulent than
anything I'd seen in a very long time. Deep, luxurious carpeting and expensive
drapes in gold, shimmering crystal decorations and accompaniments, couches,
chairs, tables, sideboards-everything perfectly matched in varying tones of
gold, a visitors' room unlikely to find its equal anywhere but Central's State
House. Getting to the apartment had been like moving through the most
expensive and exclusive visitors' Residence ever built, and remembering the
dormitory room and narrow corridors of .the women's section of that facility,
I couldn't help but find my new surroundings annoying.
"I believe it would be more accurate to say that this is your cage," I
answered, pretending to dismiss the room after the single glance around.
"After what I've seen, I can't deny that you and those like you need cages; it
would just be more appropriate if there were heavy bars and keepers with whips
to go along with the rest."

"What makes you think there aren't?" he asked, looking down at me with that
amusement lurking behind the light of his eyes. "This isn't my apartment, it's
the apartment of the highest ranking male Prime, whoever that happens to be.
Right now I'm it, but that could change the very next time I'm challenged.
Take my word for the fact that the next lower apartment is about a third the
size of this one. "

"Oh, you poor thing," I commiserated, shaking my head with the tragedy of it
all. "If you lose you have to move into an apartment a full third smaller than
this. Why, that would make its visitors' room only ten or fifteen feet square,
with a mere eight-foot ceiling. However would you stand it?"

"I get the feeling you're not experiencing much in the way of sympathy for
me," he said, folding his arms as he tried to look stern, the effort doing
nothing to extinguish his continuing amusement. "And after I went to all the
trouble of finding and rescuing you from the bad guys. I think I'm going to
have to remember the promise I made to punish you, but first there are other
things to be taken care of. Right this way."

He unfolded his arms to take my hand again, and then I was pulled after him
toward an arch in the somewhat distant right-hand wall. The arch gave onto a
short hall containing three closed doors, one directly ahead at the end of the
hall, one to the left a bit before that one, and one to the right which was
also the closest. The one to the right turned out to be our destination, and
once we were through the doorway it also turned out to be a bathroom. Not your
simple, ordinary bathroom, though, but one that went well with the acre of
visitors' room.

"The first thing you need is a bath," my appropriator said, dropping my hand
to go toward the giant's tub sunk halfway into the thickly carpeted floor.
"Water won't do anything to counteract the reagent already absorbed through
your skin, but it will get rid of what's crystallized and clinging to the
outside. The crystallized portion isn't being diluted and washed away by your
bloodstream, so that's what's continuing to cause you most of the pain. When
we get rid of that, you'll find yourself feeling a good deal better."

So that was why they'd used sonics to clean me instead of taking me to the
shower area. I remembered wondering about that, and now I'd been given the
answer. But I'd also been given another question or two, and there was no
reason not to ask them.

"How do you know what they did to me?" I asked his back as he studied the
bathtub dials set in the wall behind and to the right of the tub. "I wasn't
aware of the fact that their procedures were general knowledge. And why should
you care whether or not I'm in pain? Your-own kind-by the name of Jer-Mar was
delighted to have me that way, and would have been more delighted still to
have the pain increased. I don't see that much of a difference between you
two."

"Now, that is an   insult you won't be getting away with," he answered, turning
his head to give   me a hard look over his shoulder. "When the day comes that
I'm defeated, it   won't be by a low-class incompetent like him. And even if
everyone in this   facility gets to the point of being able to walk all over me,
he still won't be anything like my kind. My kind is human, and Jer-Mar doesn't
qualify. As soon as the tub is full, get out of that window pane and start
soaking."

His finger poked at a stud on the wall, and water began pouring into the tub
from four separate spouts, each one shaped like a golden pitcher set on its
side. The faint scent of perfume began rising into the room on the warm air
shimmering up from the rapidly filling tub, a scent very much like that of
flower petals.

"I don't like having perfume added to my bath water," I said, noticing that he
was walking over to a dry-chair rather than leaving. "And I also don't like
having an audience while I bathe. If you're afraid I'll try sneaking out with
the washing only half done, you can set up a guard post and inspection station
at the front door. This isn't . . . "

"That's enough," he said as he settled into the chair, loosening the golden
ascot at his throat just a little. He hadn't raised his voice to anything like
a shout, but the way he was looking at me turned the two words into a
flat-voiced order he didn't seem prepared to have ignored. "I know I've been
letting you say just about anything you cared to, but that doesn't mean you're
in charge. I'm the one who's in charge, so stop telling me what you do and
don't like. You haven't been here long enough to have an opinion, and even if
you had been, mine comes first. I'll be very upset if these facts of life do
anything to ruin the beautiful friendship that's started between us, but I'm
also certain I'll survive. Now, get out of that thing and into the water."

Once he'd said his piece he turned his attention to flipping open the arm of
the dry-chair to reach the drinkorder pad, and a moment later a glass of wine
rose up on the small stand put out from the right side of the chair. I turned
my back as he reached for the glass, having no interest in waiting until his
eyes were on me again, and then began getting out of the transparent green
robe. If bathing hadn't meant I'd be rid of that still-burning pain I would
have turned and walked out of there, but I knew well enough I'd need all the
help I could get once he sent me back to the women's section. Which would
probably be in a short enough time, if his annoyance meant what annoyance
usually did. I felt nothing in the way of desire to be sent back, but that
permanently angry, stubbornly refusing part of me would not let me do anything
to make sure that I wasn't.

The robe part of my outfit came off easily enough, but when I tried unhooking
the golden metal girdle, I found myself with something of a problem. I'd
apparently been too out of sorts to notice that Jer-Mar had reattached the
short chain to the front of the thing, and I couldn't quite see the way of
opening it again. Because of that I had to reach around to the back of the
girdle rather than slide it to where I could see what I was doing, and had to
try getting it open by touch alone. Since it hadn't taken long to put on it
must have had a relatively simple catch, but all my fingers found were rounded
links with nothing that seemed made to be opened. I worked at it long enough
to begin wondering if I could slide it off over my hips once I was wet and
soapy, but before I could decide definitely to try it, an alternate suggestion
was put forward to me.

"Come over here, and I'll get that open for you," my audience said, sounding
as though he'd been watching my struggles for a while. I didn't have to think
about it very long to know I didn't like the idea, but when I tried pretending
I hadn't heard it I was firmly disagreed with.

"I said, get your tail over here," he repeated in a harder voice, but not one
that seemed totally out of patience. "If I have to come over to you, you won't
like what happens."

"I'm not likely to enjoy it either way," I pointed out, still not turning back
to look at him. "The question I'm wondering about now, though, is which one
will turn out to be the worst of the two. Since I have my suspicions, I think
I'll stay right where I am."

I'd been fighting with that stupid girdle even as I'd spoken, hoping I could
get it off and solve the problem that way, but nothing had worked out right
for me since I'd opened my eyes that morning. Instead of finding the catch I
was looking for, I suddenly found myself being pulled into two strong arms. A
hand came to my face to turn it upward, and then I was being kissed with an
odd kind of full attention, as though something in particular was being looked
for. I was given two or three kisses of the same sort, and then Kel-Ten raised
his brows.

"That's strange, you do taste like a girl," he said, sounding as though he
thought I wouldn't. "If you taste like one you probably are one, but I didn't
think there were any girls like you left in the entire universe. Backtalk
instead of breathless agreement, thinking for yourself instead of expecting me
to do it for you. I d love to be able to get used to that again, but I'm
afraid my enjoyment would be your eventual pain. You can't act like that
around here, soft and lovely, or they'll take everything from behind your eyes
and leave nothing but the shell. We both know they've tried delivering that
message to you, but until now you've been refusing receipt. We're going to
have to work on teaching you how to be a good girl before sending you back, or
you'll end up just like all the others. And that is something I won't allow."

He finished his speech on a more sober note than he'd started it with, and the
look in his light eyes had developed a stubbornness to match. I still didn't
understand what he was after-or trust him in any way at all-but he wasn't
waiting for a show of cooperation. As a matter of fact, he didn't wait for
anything at all. Before I knew what was happening I was turned around, the
girdle was opened, and then a smack to the bottom sent me forward toward the
tub.

"Now you can get into the water," my volunteer assistant said, the amusement
back in his voice. "I added the perfume to discourage myself from joining you,
but if you take much longer perfume won't be enough of a discouragement. Of
course, if you want company in there . . . "

Glancing over my shoulder showed he was grinning as he let the words trail
off, but that didn't mean he ryas joking. His one-piece, gold formal suit
would not take long to get out of, and his fingering of my bottom while
opening the girdle had definitely been deliberate rather than accidental. My
answer to his uncompleted question was to quickly climb the tub steps and then
move down into the water, and by the time I'd lowered myself into the wet,
delicious warmth, he was already on his way back to the dry-chair.

I hadn't been completely sure he'd been telling the truth about the water
easing my pain, and for the first couple of minutes it didn't. The smack to
the bottom he'd given me hadn't been gentle, and that combined with the
remnants of the liquid treatment I'd had made sitting on the tile of the tub
uncomfortable. I was trying to figure out what I would do if the water didn't
help, when I noticed that what had been left of the glitter on the ends of my
breasts was just about all washed away. Right after that the pain began
thinning in a way I could feel, and once started the withdrawal didn't stop
until there was only a shadow left of what it had been. I took a deep breath
and moved myself over to a headrest, able to relax for what felt like the
first time in a thousand years.
"Now that you're rid of most of what they did to you, you might consider
taking a break on the biting and scratching you've been doing in my
direction," Kel-Ten said, drawing my eyes to where he sat in the dry-chair
with his glass of wine. "I know that the treatment you got was partially my
fault, but I think I made up for it by not letting it happen a second time. Do
you think you might try seeing it that way?"

What I thought was that I didn't understand a word he was saying, and the way
I frowned at him must have told him so. He sipped at his wine while showing a
very faint smile, and then he shook his head.

"No, Kel-Ten, dear, I don't think I can see it that way without having
everything explained to me," he said in a high, squeaky voice accompanied by a
very bright smile. Then he changed the brightness to a wise-looking, very
solemn smile and said in his own voice, "I suppose I was expecting that, girl
dear. You're not yet ready to take my word for things, foolish though that
proves you to be. And by the way, what name is there for me to use in place of
`girl'? Just in case you happen to end up in a crowd of females, and I need to
call you."

By then he was looking at me again, this time waiting patiently for an answer.
I knew that everyone I'd met in that place was a good deal stranger than
average, but Kel-Ten topped them all by quite a bit.

"The name I've so far gone through life with is Terrilian," I grudged in
reply, half wondering why I was bothering. "Are you always this crazy, or are
you making a special effort on my account?"

"Sometimes I'm even crazier," he said with more of a grin than a smile,
nodding at me as though in thanks. "Not long after I got here I learned that I
had to act crazy, or I'd end up going crazy. The only time I refrain is during
a challenge, but that's not what this is. Or at least not exactly. I take it,
Terrilian, you'd like those questions you asked earlier to be answered now."

"I would have preferred having the questions I asked earlier to be answered
earlier," I answered, splashing some of the delightful water over my
shoulders. "Now I have even more questions, and since there's going to be a
wait between asking and answering, I'm going to have to keep track of them
all. The only problem is, I'm getting too sleepy to keep track."

"If that's the only problem, you can forget about it," he said, his grin
widening. "Once you're out of that tub, I'll see to it that you're feeling
something other than sleepy. But to get back to our original topic of
conversation. What makes what happened to you partially my fault is the fact
that I heard about you not long after they let you wake up, but I couldn't
come looking until after you'd already gotten into trouble. I was in the
middle of a training session when the word reached me, and even the First
Prime doesn't get to walk out of a training session."

His expression had gone from amusement to tight-jawed anger, what seemed like
the same sort of raging, burning fury feeding my own core of anger. I still
didn't know why he would feel that way, but he seemed to mentally brush the
emotion aside and then went on.

"It isn't often one of the incoming girls breaks out as soon as you did," he
said, pausing to take a measured sip of his wine. "That in itself would have
started the word on its rounds, but the better part of the story made it move
even faster. We heard the new girl had marked up that fat fool Gearing, and
the Secs vine was confirming it even before we stopped laughing. That was when
I knew I had to try getting my hands on you, but I couldn't rush out of the
training session. I couldn't even sneak out, not when everyone else's efforts
were being measured against mine, so I had to wait until it was over. Once it
was, I showered and changed clothes, then rushed over to the low dining
room-only to find you'd already had a run-in with Jer-Mar. If cursing had the
ability to dissolve metal, this whole facility would right then have come down
on everyone's head. "

He allowed himself a swallow of wine that time, his expression a sour grimace,
and the wine didn't do much to sweeten it.

"I'd been hoping you would be on the unattractive side to keep the boy Primes
in the low world from noticing you, but it didn't work out that way," he said
after the wine was swallowed. "I didn't waste my time hoping you'd be smart
enough to go along with the usual routine; what you did to Gearing proved you
wouldn't be, and when I. found I was too late I thought it was all over. There
have been others over the past couple of years who started making something of
a fuss when they first broke out, but none of their fussing lasted beyond the
first punishment. I suppose I went back to the low after dinner to see the
latest ex-human I'd missed out on, and imagine my surprise when I discovered
there was no ex about you. You were giving me a second chance to play rescuing
hero, so I lost no time in doing it and here you are."

"And here I am," I agreed, pleased to find there was soap in the water as well
as perfume. "Kidnapped-excuse me-rescued by a total stranger who heard about
the sparkling conversation I was capable of, and who therefore rushed right
over to make sure it was him I spoke to. That has to be the most touching
story I've ever heard."

"You're thinking I'm interested in something other than conversation from
you," he said, crossing his legs as he grinned at me. "I can't imagine what
would give you an idea like that, because it so happens it is conversation I'm
after. From someone like me, someone who remembers a real life among real
worlds. You have no idea how few of us there are."

I had no doubt that this time I could see pain in his light eyes, a kind of
pain I was sure he didn't usually show to people. He emptied his glass and
ordered another glass of wine from the chair, and when it came he took it and
smiled at me.

"I've been here more than five years," he said, gesturing with the glass.
"Exactly how much more than five years, I don't really know. Time has a habit
of moving strangely in this place, and sometimes you lose track. I grew up on
Nopalt and spent my adult life working as a Prime for the Amalgamation-and
then I was sent here. I thought it was just another Mediation assignment, but
they gave me a room, took away my personal possessions, and told me my real
name was Kel-Ten. It was the name I'd been assigned when I was born here on
New Dawn, and had the sort of meaning the name I'd been using all my life
didn't. They told me I'd been brought back to see how my training results
compared with the results of Primes not only born here but raised here as
well. And then they told me I had my pick of the women-after the Primes of
higher level first made their choices-but that I was responsible first for
covering the women assigned to me. I'd most likely be able to handle pleasure
as well as duty, but duty always had to come first. "

Another swallow of wine went down his throat, one that gave me the impression
he wanted to drain the glass, but he didn't drain it. He took only that one
swallow, then rested the glass on the arm of his chair.

"At first I couldn't believe how lucky I was," he went on, an odd smile
curving his lips as his eyes examined a scene in the elsewhere. "I was going
to have my ability trained beyond anything I'd ever thought was possible, and
while that was going on I could have just about any female I wanted. The other
men I met who had grown up among the worlds felt just the way I did, like we'd
died without noticing it and had found there was such a thing as a final
reward. We were worked hard in our training classes, but any time we weren't
working it was party time! Party time."

He repeated the words with something of a small laugh that might have been
part sigh, and then his eyes were on me again.

"Have you any idea how boring partying can get to be?" he asked, but not in a
way that showed he expected to be answered. "I'll admit it took a while before
I found out, and the revelation came not long after I began being seriously
involved with challenging. It felt as though I were going from one level to
the next with hardly a pause in between, and people stopped betting on who
would win when I issued a challenge. It always turned out that I won, and the
defending Prime never got off easy. I finally noticed how much time my
ex-opponents were spending in Medical recovering, and then I noticed that
being idolized by each and every woman I took to bed was beginning to turn my
stomach. I thought about it for a little while, and then I went to my section
leader and told him I wanted to go back to Nopalt and the life of nothing more
than a Mediator."

He was watching me fairly closely at that point, and the expression I surely
developed brought back his amusement.

"No, don't bother telling me you said the same thing as soon as you found out
where you were," he interposed, raising one hand. "I can almost hear you doing
it, but I was a bit more courteous than that. And don't forget that I'd been
here a while, and had done everything asked of me. I walked in expecting them
to try talking me out of it but eventually agreeing, and very quickly found
out how naive I was being. My section leader laughed and told me to go back to
doing what I was supposed to be doing, and then ignored the few protests I
managed to get out before the Secs showed up. I was escorted back to my
apartment and left alone, after being reminded that I had a training class in
a little while. I also had two women I was supposed to thrill after the class
was over, but I decided then and there that I didn't give a damn. I'd go to no
more classes and issue no more challenges, and to hell with the women. When
they found they couldn't make me do things their way, they'd have no choice
but to turn me loose.

"I can't believe I really was that naive," he said, and this time there was no
doubt about the sigh. "When I didn't show up for the class they sent someone
to find out if I was sick, and when they saw I wasn't I was scheduled for the
full treatment. I didn't find out my wine had been drugged until I woke up
most of the way, and then began learning what life would be like in place of
what it had been. I was in this tiny cell of a room on the floor, mainly
because there was no bed or any other kind of furniture, and I'd been stripped
almost naked. Refusal to participate meant removal of privileges, all of them,
with nothing but duty slipped in to fill the vacancies. I was mad enough to
start out not caring what they took, but that didn't last long.

"The first thing taught me was that although I refused to go to class and
learn, I wasn't finished with challenges. The only difference was that I
wasn't the one issuing them, and the upper level Primes had been released from
needing to refrain from working over someone not yet up to their abilities.
Several times a day I was forced out of the cell by Secs to walk around the
complex, and every time I came across an upper level Prime he slammed me. Half
the time I was too groggy to know what was happening, and another quarter of
the time I was in too much pain to care. The last quarter was when I made my
trips to Medical, and they always made very sure I experienced every minute of
the visit."

He paused again at that point, and his eyes had gone to the wine instead of
staying with me. He seemed to be having trouble putting what he wanted to say
into words, and somehow I was certain that embarrassment made up a good part
of his hesitation. He struggled very briefly in silence, and then, still
without looking at me, forced himself to go on.

"Remember that I said duty was all they left me," he groped, trying to make
the words come out round instead of square. "One of my very first duties was
seeing to the women they assigned me to, and the quality of the stock had
improved as I moved higher up the ladder. When I lost everything I also lost
access to those women, but I was still responsible for covering them. They
dragged me to Medical every day, and-made the process less direct and a hell
of a lot less pleasant. I knew damned well that it didn't have to be every
day, that just once should have taken care of the matter for a good long time,
but they weren't interested in my opinions. They waited until I was stupid
enough to yell out something to that effect, and then they punished me. They
gave me an injection to make sure I would be more cooperative the next time I
was brought there, and locked me into a special-belt-to keep me from lessening
the urge to cooperate on my own. After that I was walked around the complex
again to give my former peers a chance to laugh at me, and then I was thrown
back in my cell to suffer without distraction. "

The anger in him had grown so high that it was a good   thing the glass he held
wasn't really glass. If it had been, the hand wrapped   around it would have
been badly cut when the delicate thing shattered. The   symglass actually
squeaked in protest at the pressure he was putting on   it, something I'd never
seen happen before, but he didn't seem to notice.

"After that the injections became a regular thing, and they added a special
stop to my schedule," he continued, still not looking at me. "Once a day I was
left in a small room that was all viewing window, and given the chance to look
at the higher level girls I would have been covering if I'd still been
cooperating. The viewing room looked out into the falls and streams area built
for the girls to play and bathe in, and although I could see and hear them,
they didn't know I was there. When the Sees discovered I was trying to beat
down the walls to get to the girls, the word was passed along and from then on
I was tied before being put in there. They kept me at it until I began
screaming mindlessly twenty minutes or more before I was due to be put in, and
then they sprang something on me I wasn't prepared for. Instead of being sent
to the viewing room, I was tied and put in a room that held six real, true,
breathing girls. Six willing girls, eager to be honored.

At first I was stunned, and then I was too crazy to be stunned," he said with
a growl. "It had been weeks since the last time Id touched a female, and I
would have been hurting even without those injections. With them I was a
madman, and I was so happy it didn't even bother me that I was tied. Those
girls didn't have to be chased, they were ready to beg me to honor them, so
what did a few straps matter? I ordered the nearest one to her back, went to
my knees next to her-and only then remembered the belt I was locked into. I'd
tried getting it off before and hadn't even been able to dent the damned
thing, not even when my hands were free. The girl I'd chosen began whimpering
and begging, and the last thing I remember is her hand touching my thigh. That
started the screaming again, but everything after that is a blank."

He stopped to take another measured swallow of wine, and I couldn't help but
admire his self-control. If those had been my memories pouring out like that,
I would have needed to compensate with a comparable flow of something bracing
pouring in. My mind searched for appropriate comments, didn't find any, and
then it was too late.

"I don't know how long I was out of it, but when I woke up I was in a small
apartment, dressed again in civilized clothing, and no longer hurting," he
went on, slumped back in the chair with his eyes on his knees. "It was almost
possible to believe I'd dreamt the whole thing, especially when the assistant
section leader came in, greeted me as though I'd been away a short while on
vacation, then walked with me to the challenge room. Inside the room was the
Prime I'd been next scheduled to challenge, still laughing at me the way he'd
been doing for weeks. I suddenly found myself with this terrible need to
flatten him, and although he was harder than the ones I'd faced before him, it
didn't take long before I did it. Once he was down a whole crowd of people
came in to pound my back and congratulate me, just the way they used to do,
and the assistant leader waited only a few minutes before laughingly rescuing
me from the crowd. After that I was led to a room where two upper level
females were waiting, and was told they were all mine. It wasn't until I was
lying flat in exhaustion and the females were gone, that I really understood
what had been done to me. They'd led me right back to the point I'd strayed
from, and were giving me the chance to start over again with no hard
feelings."

"Which you apparently took," I said, having finally found a comment to make.
It might not have been the most diplomatic comment ever uttered, but I d been
waiting to hear that they'd found they couldn't break him and had offered
something to make him change his mind instead. That they'll defeated him was
something I didn't want to hear, not then and not ever. For some reason I felt
it was wrong that he'd been defeated, wrong and totally unacceptable.

"Damned right I took it," he said, finally looking up at me again. "I'd been
taught the hard way that I couldn't hope to beat them by bashing my brains out
against the walls they'd built around me. All that would have accomplished
would have been to make me a smear on the floor to be washed off and forgotten
about. Just in case you have no personal knowledge on the subject, let me
assure you that that isn't the best of all possible things to be."

"You consider it better to be someone who's sold out?" I asked, noticing
almost peripherally that the water I sat in had begun to cool. I moved away
from the headrest and wet my hair, then used both hands to squeeze it out.
Since I knew I wouldn't be there for much longer, I decided it would be best
if I washed as much of me as fast as I could.

"The position and outfit I found you in said you did some selling of your
own," he came back, but not as sharply as I was expecting. "And Jer-Mar did
mention something about you starting out the evening apologizing to him. Pain
has a way of turning even someone with the most inflexible code of bravery
practical, and only its easing and disappearance lets the nonsense come back.
Don't get out of the tub without first showering off in clean water. You don't
want to leave a film of that reagent still on you in places, just waiting to
dry out."

I had already begun standing when he said that, and I didn't need to think
about it to know he was right. At least about the showering part. I moved over
to the white and gold shower block and stepped up onto it, waited while the
clean water came at me from both above and below, then left the block to walk
the tub rim to its edge. Just beyond the tub on the floor a section of the
carpeting had been turned into a drip-mat, and a .fluffy white towel sat
folded on a raised pedestal beside the mat. I stepped off and got the towel,
and only when it was wrapped around me did I turn to Kel-Ten again.
"Sometimes pain can force you into making the wrong decisions," I said,
watching him sip his wine as he listened and watched me back. "It lies to you
and tells you everything will be all right if only you give in, but everything
doesn't turn out all right- You find that giving in hurts more than the pain
did, but doesn't even allow you the luxury of unconsciousness when it reaches
the unbearable level. I've heard it said that enough pain can kill you, even
if those giving you the pain are trying to keep you alive. People do make
mistakes, a possibility not too farfetched to spend your time hoping for. Or,
maybe I should say it's something I'll be spending my time hoping for. And I'm
ready to go back now."

"To the hope of that possibility," he said, his light eyes filled with
something very much like anger. "You still don't understand why I brought you
here, do you? Did you somehow get the idea I have a thing about wanting to
bathe female newcomers? Or that I enjoy being insulted by idealistic infants
who have managed to move through life without learning anything about it? Come
over here."

"I can see and hear anything I have to from where I am," I returned, holding
the towel more tightly around me. "To prove it, I can show you what I've
already seen. For you, giving in means being forced to enjoy the satisfaction
of success over your competition, of having tocover-all those women, of
needing to live in luxury. For me it means becoming little more than a slave,
accepting constant humiliation and even more constant rape. Someone once told
me you can't enslave a free man or free a slave, no matter how hard you try. A
free man will still be free even with chains weighing him down, and a slave,
unchained, will soon crawl back to his fetters. I can't quite remember who
said it, but I have the feeling he meant it to refer to women as well as men.
I've been spending enough breath saying I'm not a slave; I think the time has
come to try proving it."

I somehow had the feeling he could be swayed to my way of looking at things if
I spoke with enough belief and conviction, which I thought my speech had had.
When he put his wine glass aside with a sound of annoyance and got to his
feet, I began wondering if I weren't mistaken. He didn't look very convinced,
and the closer he got the less swayed he seemed to be. It occurred to me it
might be wise to take a step or two back from him, but the thought came the
least bit too late. Even before I could decide whether or not that would
constitute backing down as well as up, he bent and lifted me off the floor in
his arms.

"You're going to learn that when I tell you to do something, you'd better do
it," he said, ignoring my yelp of startlement as he turned back toward his
dry-chair. "The practice will come in handy for use around section leaders and
Secs as well as the Primes you're assigned to, and won't turn out to be a
waste with me, either. Unquestioning adoration may make me queasy, but I've
discovered I enjoy having women obey me. Life turns out less complicated that
way, and at the moment I have all the complications I need."

By that time he was sitting back down in the chair, settling me into his lap
as though carefully tending to an infant. My being all wrapped up in that
towel may have given him the impression he was dealing with a child, but just
because he thought it didn't make it so. The volume of air inside the
dry-chair's radius was as moisture free as the rest of the bathroom was
steamy, the object, of course, being to keep any nonbather from wilting. Being
brought out of the heat like that may have felt good, but it didn't do
anything to cool me down.

"I think you'd better have your hearing checked," I stated, trying to bring my
arms out of the towel without completely uncovering myself. "I have no need to
learn anything where section leaders and Secs-and most especially Primes-are
concerned, because I have no intentions of being anywhere near any of them. I
will not cooperate with what everybody considers unavoidable, and that
decision will stand no matter how much they hurt me. Now, let me go so I can
get out of here."

"Don't you think it's time to leave that fantasy world behind?" he asked, his
left arm firmly around my waist to hold me where he'd put me. "The leaders
would enjoy having your cooperation, but the full, dirty truth is, they don't
need it. If you don't come around permanently the second time they give you
pain, the next thing they'll give you is a vacant smile, which will mean they
never have to worry about the problem again. Don't you understand that they'd
prefer having your mind left alive, but all they really need is your body? Do
you want to be turned into a willing and agreeable vegetable incapable of any
sort of thoughts at all?"

He was looking straight at me as he asked his question, and because of that
didn't miss seeing my shudder. Most people believed that to kill the I in
someone was the same as killing their body, but what would happen if it
wasn't? What would happen if some very tiny portion of that I was left, deep
down and too small to change anything, but not too small to know what was
happening? How could I go on living like that-and how would I find it possible
do anything else?

"Okay, now, you're finally beginning to understand," he said gently as he held
me to him, his arms tight to keep my shuddering from getting out of control.
"You thought you were ahead of the game by being able to tell them to go ahead
and hurt you and be damned, but now you know that isn't true. You weren't
lucky you weren't cowed into submission by the first punishment they gave, you
had the bad luck to be shifted into line for a lot worse. If you can bring
yourself to believe that, and believe as well that you have no choice about
cooperating, we'll have exactly the starting point we need."

"How can you call that a starting point?" I demanded, sick to my stomach as I
tried to push away from him. "Is it totally impossible for you to understand
what they want me to do'? I don't want to be covered at somebody else's
direction, bred like an animal over and over and over! I can't let them do
that to me, and I won't!"

"You can't stop it," he told me bluntly, the patience gone from his eyes as he
refused to let me go. "You can do as they ask and be a part of the program, or
you can try fighting them and be made a part of the program. The second way
you haven't any chance at all of ever stopping it; the first way you can
cooperate with me as well, without them knowing it, and together we might just
find some way out of this. If you don't understand yet that I want out as
badly as you do, you may not be the one I've been waiting for after all."

The look in his light eyes had hardened so far I wished fleetingly that I
could move back from him, and then I really heard what he'd said. He thought I
might be the one he'd been "waiting" for, that he and I might
do-something-together. Irrationally bright hope flashed briefly inside me,
then dimmed fast when it found nothing in the way of fuel to feed on.

"Of course you've been waiting for someone like me," I said, finding disbelief
easier to deal with than a hope that would almost certainly be betrayed. "I'm
so very special that even those who run this place were waiting breathlessly
for my arrival. What sort of reward do they give you, I wonder, if you manage
to talk one of the animals into being good? I believe that they're not very
anxious to burn my mind away, probably for the same reason they got such bad
results from their in vitro experiment, but what do you get out of helping
them`? What do they give someone already so burdened with privilege and
luxury?"

"What in hell was done to you to make you so full of distrust?" he asked in
turn, narrowing his eyes as he ignored everything Id said. "You can't be
reacting just to this place alone, not with only a single day behind you.
After what you went through you should be confused, frightened, unsure, maybe
even bitter-but not so completely unwilling to trust anyone. What were you
involved in before they brought you here?"

"I-don't remember," I said, finding his stare uncomfortable. "For some reason
they don't want me remembering, so they took the memory away. But that doesn't
change anything at all. Since there's absolutely nothing I can do to help you,
your wanting me to `cooperate' can mean only one thing: you let them buy you,
just the way you let them convince you to be good. I won't . . ."

"You won't keep your mouth closed long enough to let anybody disagree with
your flawless logic," he interrupted, now looking annoyed. "And if I hear you
tell me one more time that I sold out my humanity for comfort and reward-
Well, you won't like what happens. For now let's talk about all that nothing
you can do to help me. What makes you think there's nothing you can do?"

"Only the admittedly obscure fact that I'm still right where they want me," I
answered, unable to understand what point he could possibly be trying to make.
"And if you wonderful male Primes, with all your secret training and
experience meeting challenges, can't do anything to get out, what do you
expect me to be able to do?"

"Nobody said we couldn't get out," he returned with a headshake and a faint
grin. "We wonderful male Primes slip out of the complex all the time as a
joke, but that's all the others see it as: a joke. None of them would ever
seriously try to leave, most of them enjoy it here too much. The ones who
don't enjoy it also don't have the guts to try making a break, so that leaves
me as one of a kind. I know what's necessary to get out of here, but I can't
do it alone. I need another Prime to do it with me."

I opened my mouth to say. something else, but suddenly the words refused to
come. His expression had turned serious and the least bit strained, as though
waiting for my reaction to what I'd been told. For a moment or two I had no
reaction, and then I slowly shook my head.

"But I'm not whole," I said, knowing it for a fact even though I wouldn't have
been able to explain the statement. "They've-done something to me, and I'm not
whole. I can't be of help to you like this, and you should know it. And if
you've already learned what's necessary to get out of here, you shouldn't need
anyone else. A trained Prime shouldn't need anyone else."

"I wish that were true," he said with a smile, raising one hand to smooth back
my still-damp hair. He didn't seem to believe what I'd said, but I somehow
knew it was the absolute truth. A trained Prime who was complete should be
able to do anything she wanted to do. Had been able to do anything she wanted
to do. My arms tightened the towel against my body as my mind searched for the
basis of that conviction, but I simply couldn't reach it. It was with the rest
of my memories, locked away out of prodding range, closed behind a door I
still battered uselessly against.

"It might be true under other circumstances that a Prime doesn't need any
help, but not when it comes to getting out of here," Kel-Ten went on, still
with an indulgent smile on his face. "This complex has the highest number of
Class Zeroes ever assembled, and just about all of them are in male Prime
territory. It takes a minimum of two active minds to slide around enough to
avoid them, but you won't understand that until you can see and feel the
situation for yourself. Which you will when I key you awake."

"But how can you possibly do that?" I demanded, only his hold on me keeping me
from straightening indignantly. "I may not remember much about it, but one
thing I can bring back is that empaths don't have that sort of information,
not even First Prime empaths."

"You can thank the boyish high spirits this place breeds for the fact that
this First Prime does have it," he said, deep satisfaction brightening in his
eyes. "A couple of years ago some of us cornered one of the medical staff, and
forced a bottle of wine down his throat. We didn't like the man, and had
decided to turn him loose drunk among some high girls after telling them he
was a newly-arrived Prime. That would have gotten him fried for sure, only we
made the mistake of doing our own drinking while we poured his into him.
Instead of setting him up, we all ended up laughing and joking like old
friends, and when we mentioned our secret about what wed intended doing with
the girls, he was so touched he began to cry. No one had ever told him a
secret before, and after he'd heard ours he thought it was only fair if he
told us one. The only secret he knew was the keying word to awaken female
empaths, so he told it to us. By the next day no one could remember anything
that had happened-except for one Prime who stopped drinking after getting this
idea about escape . . . . "

"Awake," I said, feeling an oddness deep inside. "You can key me awake, and
then I'll be whole. But I don't understand what you mean by Class Zeroes. What
are they? "

"If you're an empath, you know them," he answered, making something of a face.
"They call them Class Zeroes around here, but out in the worlds they're known
as nulls. It was explained to us that they don't like that name, so it's never
used. But you'd better take it slower, because you're getting ahead of
yourself. I can key you awake, but that won't make you entirely whole. Before
we can get ourselves out of here I'm going to have to give you some training,
the sort of training we've been given. How fast you pick up on it will depend
on your inborn abilities, but it has to be done. That's why I told you you'd
better get used to accepting what they have you scheduled for. Even the most
basic sort of training will take time, and we can't get along on basics. We'll
need more than that if we're going to get out, and into a ship, and away. If
you still think I'm working for the enemy you'd better say so now, and I'll
send you back to try out the plan you were talking about earlier. If you
decide to go along with me you have to trust me completely and do everything I
say, otherwise we're both wasting our time. I need a decision from you now,
but you can have a minute to think it over."

He leaned back a little in the chair, his arm still around my waist, his eyes
unmoving from my face. The choice of accepting or rejecting his offer was
mine, but it wasn't simply a matter of saying yes or no. If he was telling the
truth I very much wanted to be a part of his plans, but if he was lying in
order to get me to cooperate I would find nothing in agreement but betrayal. I
could feel something inside me telling me not to trust him, that I would be
sorry if I trusted him, but that something was patently ignoring the one point
that kept me from outright and immediate refusal. If he was as important as
he'd told me, and I had the reactions of the woman in yellow and the Prime
Jer-Mar to show that he did seem to be exactly that, what would he get out of
betraying me? There could be something to give him that I didn't know about,
but if there wasn't, then he had to be telling the truth. Maybe. I bit my lip
in vexation, wishing I had more than that minute to make a decision, then
tried a temporization.

"You said you can key me awake," I stated, trying to keep the eagerness out of
my voice. "Do it now, and then there won't be any doubt about our being
partners. If you really do want me to help you."

"Yes, I do want your help, but no, I won't key you now," he came back, firm
decision in both eyes and voice. "In actual fact we will be partners, but
there won't ever be a time that I treat you like one. You have to remember
that they're not stupid, and if you forget even for a moment that I'm in
complete charge they're bound to get suspicious. Your-sisters in service-would
never dare think themselves as good as a male Prime, so you won't be given the
chance to do it either. And we won't ever discuss this unless we're where we
are right now, in a place whose usual field distorts any listening devices
they may have planted. I won't key you awake until 1 want you awake, and
that's it. Take it or leave it."

He really was pushing the thing, almost as though he were trying to make me
decide against saying yes-or was trying to be absolutely honest and
straightforward about what I had to expect. It was much easier-and
safer-believing he was hiding something, but until and unless I could find out
if that was true, I couldn't justify refusal. I had to take the only way out
offered to me, no matter what I had to do to achieve it.

"All right, you win," I grudged, not terribly happy about having to do things
on his terms. "I help you after you train me, and then we leave together. It
just better not take too long, or I won't be able to keep up the pretense. "

"Terrilian, you'd better understand right now that you won't be pretending,"
he said with a sigh, not as pleased as I d thought he'd be. "If you try
pretending it simply won't work, so I'm going to give you my first decision as
absolute leader of this effort: no matter how ready you turn out to be, we
won't make our try until after your first pregnancy. It may take even longer
than that, but it won't be sooner. Again, take it or leave it."

The flatness in his tone brought the illness back to my middle with a stab
of-I don't know, fear, horror, flaring disappointment, maybe all three if not
more. I wanted to scream out my denial of what he'd said, wanted to push away
from him and just run without stopping, but his arms had closed around me
again and he wouldn't let me go.

"No, if you're going to refuse you'll do it in here, still in this chair," he
said, keeping me from struggling out of his hold. "I had to make you know that
I don't want your agreement unless you're ready to commit yourself completely
to my plans, just as completely as I'm committed. I've waited years for this
chance, but I'll wait years again rather than throw away all hope of success
by having you ruin things. They know the difference between cooperation, no
matter how reluctant, and a pretense at cooperation, so you can't pretend. You
have to accept the reality of one or more pregnancies before you can leave
here, and you have to decide if you're willing to pay that sort of price. One
or two pregnancies against years and years of the same, and the decision has
to be yours. Every other decision will be mine, but that one has to be yours."

I still sat stiffly in his arms, trying to push away from him, but then my
eyes closed, almost by themselves. I was tasting the awful sourness of defeat
again, nailed tight into a box with no way out, forced to accept what he'd
said or completely reject the only real hope I was ever likely to find. It
felt so wrong agreeing to allow what they would do to me, wrong in a way even
I couldn't completely explain, but it was either that or fall back on the
flimsy hope that was really no hope at all.
"I would rather be dead," I said in a whisper, my arms braced flat against his
chest. "The only problem is they won't let me be dead, will they? Why won't
they let me be dead?"

"Because they need you," he answered, the words completely unsoftened by pity.
"Just the way I need you, and for exactly the same reason. You're a Prime,
girl, and no one in their right mind wastes a Prime. You don't yet really know
what that means, but you'll sure as hell be finding out. And if we're going to
be working together, you'd better learn to stop the dramatics. They're not
going to be cutting you into a whole lot of bloody pieces, they're going to
have men put babies in your belly. As someone who has been doing that to women
for years, I think you can believe me when I say you might even get to the
point of enjoying it. Other women do, so why should you be any different?"

My eyes opened fast to look at him, wondering if his expression would match
his tone, and it certainly did. He was studying me with something very much
like impatient ridicule, and that made me mad.

"I can be as different as I like without needing to justify it to you or
anyone, simply because I am a Prime," I grated, wondering how well he it take
to having the same done to him. "I may have to go along with all this, but I
`sure as hell' don't have to like it. If you're expecting me to force myself
to the point where I do, you're wasting your time and mine. If that's what you
need to make your plan work, we might as well forget about it now."

"If that speech was meant to prove to yourself that success is impossible so
you can simply give up, you're the one who's wasting time," he came back with
a snort of faint amusement. "As long as you understand and accept what will be
done to you, I'll take care of everything else. Are you understanding and
accepting?"

"How about understanding and not accepting?" I asked, trying to dent his
rising good humor. "Or at least not accepting on an emotional level as opposed
to a physical one? What will they do to me if I take it without the requisite
smiles and sighs of delight?"

"They'll increase the dosage of your injections," he said, a grin forming
despite my attempt to deflate him. "If you think you'd rather hop around
whimpering than bat your eyelashes and smile at a man, go right ahead and try
it. Once you get it through your head that no one is going to let you do
things any way but theirs, you'll relax and look for the easy road instead of
the hard. If you're capable of recognizing easy, and distinguishing it from
hard."

Which, his tone suggested, he didn't think I could. I felt the flush in my
cheeks caused by his amusement over what would be done to me, added to by his
obviously low opinion of my way of doing things. I was about to be insulted
all over again, but he didn't give me the chance.

"If you're finished with your little-girl pouting exercises for today, I'm
still waiting for a final answer from you," he said, a directness in his gaze
despite the amusement he still clearly felt. "Do we do it my way without
argument, or do we not do it at all?"

"I'd still rather be dead," I answered, this time glaring at him. "If I can
find any way of arranging that instead, you can consider our deal canceled.
Until then, though-we do it your way."

"Do you really believe that if you mumble the words binding you to an
agreement, you won't be bound as tightly as you would if you pronounced them
clearly out loud?" he asked, his wide grin showing how funny he considered
that idea to be. "I think I'll have to try that some time, to see if it
actually works. Right now, though, let's celebrate our agreement by trying
something else. Raise your face to me."

He put a hand under my chin and bent his head to kiss me, and I couldn't help
but notice how much-ownership-there was in the doing. I had committed myself
to agreeing to whatever he wanted of me, and I had a terrible, sinking feeling
that even that quickly it was already too late to back out. I might have told
myself I was imagining things, but I wasn't given the time to indulge in false
assurances. The kiss was a brief one, and as soon as it was over his hands
went to the towel I was wrapped in. I could feel myself reddening and silently
choking over the swallowed protests 1 wanted to voice but wasn't allowed, and
that made him chuckle.

"What a good girl you're being," he approved even while he laughed softly,
taking the towel out of my grip to open it slowly and deliberately. "Not that
trying to refuse would get you anywhere. Did I mention that they switched from
giving me shots to adding to my food? It was all I could do to hold back while
we were talking, no matter how important I knew the conversation to be. Being
First Prime means I have a lot of women to see to, and they want to be sure
I'll be up for it. They also want to keep me too well occupied with thoughts
of other things, to make sure I don't start thinking about making trouble
again. Isn't it nice of them to help me out like that?"

His voice sounded as though it wanted to be a growl, but with his palm sliding
over my breast it came out as a murmur. He had uncovered me completely and was
slowly moving his hands everywhere, but when he reached my thighs I had an
unpleasant surprise. Despite the fact that I didn't want to be touched like
that, I was very suddenly finding it extremely hard to sit still. The heat I'd
earlier thought was gone had abruptly returned, and when his fingers left my
thighs to stroke elsewhere, I found myself giving in to the urge to gasp.

"Trying to push my hand away isn't being a good girl," he said, his grin as
strong as his hand was impossible to move. "Hold onto my wrist with both of
your hands, as though encouraging me to do anything I like. After all the
argument I've had out of you, you owe me some encouragement. "

I didn't in any way agree with that, and found that I couldn't even try to go
along with it. I struggled against the way he was touching me, fought to
dislodge his hand, but couldn't get free or make him stop. He was so much
stronger than me that even trying to fight was a useless gesture, but instead
of him becoming angry with me he started to laugh.

"I knew I could count on you for what I needed," he said through the laughter,
his tone and expression full of arousal. "None of them make the least attempt
to struggle, all they want to do is give me everything. But I'm tired of being
given, I'm bored with it, what I need is something else. You'll give me that
something else, and no one will get suspicious because they know I really do
want it. You'll learn not to behave like this with the others, to be sure they
don't do to you what I'm going to do, but for me you'll continue on with it,
and that will be my reason for keeping you as long as I can and taking you
back when your assignments are over. One day soon we'll beat them and be gone
from here, but until then we're going to have fun."

He pushed me off his lap, then took my wrist and pulled me out of the bathroom
with him, dragging me along behind as he headed for his bedroom. The towel had
fallen to the bathroom floor to lie in an abandoned heap, and even with the
burning in my body I couldn't help but think how lucky it was.
Chapter 6

He held me tight in his arms as he stroked with all his strength, grunting and
moaning out the delight he felt. He'd worked me into such a frenzy, that I
couldn't have kept myself from moaning along with him even if I'd wanted to. I
needed what he was giving me, needed it badly, and only distantly wished that
he'd also let me hold him instead of him alone holding me. I wanted to feel
that I was sharing with him rather than just being given what he wanted to
give, but he didn't care to allow that. He was making it my place to take
whatever I was given, and I was in no state to argue even a little. I burned
for what he was giving me, and would have done almost anything to get it.

It wasn't over quickly, not until he had given me what I needed and had taken
what he wanted, and then we both lay unmoving for a while in the wrinkled,
sweaty linen. I'd felt fairly well rested from the previous night's sleep
before the bout had begun, but the end of it hadn't left me with anything like
the same impression.

"You'll find the injections will do that to you," Kel-Ten said when he'd
gotten his breath back, turning to his right side to put a hand on my thigh.
"Make you uncontrollably hot, I mean. Twice last night and once this morning,
and if I started you up again you'd find you couldn't refuse. But you're going
to try refusing anyway, aren't you, `sweet thing'? Just to make Kel-Ten
happy?"

I looked up at his grinning face, feeling no least urge to share in his
amusement. Three times now he'd goaded me into trying to deny him, and then
he'd laughingly gone ahead and done as he pleased. Once he was in me, my
interest in resisting him was thoroughly stroked away, but by then it was
cooperation he wanted and not denial. I no longer doubted that he really did
mean to try escaping that place, and that was a shame. I was beginning to want
very much to walk away from him, but I couldn't afford to do that.

"I think I'll have a shower, and then we can sit down to breakfast," he said,
giving my thigh a last squeeze before starting to get up. "I have training
classes this morning, and you'll be going to them with me. You won't be able
to appreciate them, but I'm not doing it for you. I want to show off my new
acquisition to those who come closest to sharing my point of view, and maybe
lure them into asking to borrow you. Whether or not I'll agree is something
you won't know until it happens-or doesn't happen. That should keep you on
your toes. "

His grin was chock-full of amusement, but during his speech he'd glanced at me
in a way that said I was to pay close attention to what I saw in those
training classes. His reasons for taking me there were more involved than the
one he'd mentioned aloud, but that didn't mean he'd overlook the spoken
reason. Do nothing to arouse suspicion was his motto, and he'd stick to that
no matter what I had to go through to see it done.

"Personally, Iii like a bath," I said, pushing myself to sitting before
running my hands through my hair. "You've made the one I took last night
absolutely worthless. "

"Not absolutely," he contradicted, still enjoying himself. "We got rid of that
reagent, which might have made you think twice about trying to argue with me.
But don't bother getting up. You don't have my permission to take another
bath."
"But why not?" I demanded, more than startled by his refusal. "How can it
possibly matter to you if I bathe?"

"It doesn't matter to me," he answered, grinning down at me where I sat on the
bed. "What does matter is that you have to learn how to listen to me, and I
think this is a good place to start teaching you the lesson. Eventually you
won't be doing anything without my permission, but that's a point you'll have
to work up to."

"And if I decide to take a bath anyway?" I asked, pushed into putting the
question by his insufferable attitude. "What will you do if I simply ignore
you and act as I please? Hurt me? Send me back to be worked over by those
low-grade sadists? What if I don't care what you do?"

"Oh, but you do care," he contradicted, still grinning as he brought his big,
naked body back to the bed. I'd been trying to tell him there was only so much
I was willing to take even with escape as an objective, but the message didn't
seem to be getting through to him. "You won't care if I hurt you or let others
do it, but you do and will care if I decide on something else. Would you like
to spend the morning-and maybe the afternoon as well-as hot as you were just a
few minutes ago? With no one to kiss you and make it all better? Under those
circumstances, which do you think would be worse: being tied up and left here
to squirm at an empty apartment, or be taken with me so my friends can see
you? Friends who might even help the squirming along a little. Would you like
to make your decision now, so I can get started with it?"

He put one knee on the bed and leaned forward onto his palms, as though about
to come back to where I sat. I tried telling myself he would never really do
that to me, humiliating me in front of everyone, but that was a lie that
didn't even need thinking about. In order to avoid suspicion he was prepared
to put me through hell, and for some reason I wasn't surprised. Just looking
at him seemed to tell me he would always do exactly what he had to, whether or
not I agreed, even if I were hurt. He was really a very handsome man, blond,
blue-eyed, broad-shouldered and strongly made, but the one most important
thing in his life wasn't me.

"It looks like you win again," I said, moving my eyes to the very big gold and
white bed I sat on. "Another challenge successfully met for you to take pride
in."

"And don't you forget it," he said, but the satisfaction Id been expecting in
his voice didn't surface, and the previous amusement he'd shown had faded. "No
one will ever have any doubt as to which of us is boss. Now get belly down
facing the door, and keep watching for me to get back. I also want you to
learn to be eager to see me."

I didn't hesitate long before stretching out the way he'd told me to do, but I
was expecting some sort of comment about how he'd have to teach me to move
faster. When it didn't come I glanced up to where he was standing, but didn't
understand the expression on his face. There was more disturbance in his frown
than impatience, more upset in his eyes than amusement. Then what I'd thought
I'd seen was gone, and he moved forward to pat me on the head.

"That's a good girl," he said, as though talking to a pet. "You wait right
there, and when I get back we'll feed you."

After praising his little animal he strolled out of the room, leaving me an
empty doorway to watch breathlessly until he returned. I wondered in passing
if I could disobey him by watching breathfully instead, shook my head at the
ridiculousness of it all, then spent some time glancing around the room. I
hadn't seen much of it when I'd been dragged into it the night before, but my
impression that any number of athletic games could have been played in it
without the players feeling crowded wasn't far from from the mark. It was only
a little smaller than the visitors' room, and someone must have decided to
bring a bit of relief to the overall color scheme of the apartment. Instead of
being all gold it was gold and white, but use of the second color had been
minimal. The giant octagonal bed I lay on had some of the white, specifically
in its wooden headboard and thick but nearly weightless cover. The sheets and
pillowcases were a gleaming gold, though, and I'd been surprised to find they
weren't silk. Couches and chairs and lounges and tables were scattered neatly
all through the rest of the room, and one wall, the one currently to my left,
was all mirrors. If it hadn't been part of an apartment that had to be earned,
it would definitely have been too much.

Kel-Ten took his time at showering, and when he strolled back in he grinned in
my direction as he made his way toward the mirrored wall. His grin said he
liked the idea that I was right where he'd left me, to be taken advantage of
or ignored as he saw fit. Personally I hated the idea, but with nothing else
to do I'd been forced into thinking about what he'd said and was finally
seeing the point. He was trying to show those watching how much fun he was
getting out of keeping me, establishing a reason for continuing our
association. I had the feeling I was supposed to keep on grumbling and
complaining before obeying, but wasn't to try not obeying. He was going to do
everything he could to get me mad, and then would force me to listen to him.
An unending time of fun and pleasure, but not for the little animal chosen to
amuse him. He was boss so he was the one who had to be pleased and the little
animal didn't matter at all.

My happy owner slid one section of the mirror wall aside and took out clothing
for himself, the sort of very short pants and sleeveless shirt the men had
been wearing the day before at lunch time in the dining room. He also chose a
pair of tie-on athletic shoes, and it wasn't long before he was dressed. I
couldn't understand how he wasn't sick to death of the color gold, now the
color of everything he wore, but his glance into the mirror was pleased rather
than nauseated. After confirming the perfection of his reflection he reached
into the closet again, pulled something out before reclosing it, then turned
and came toward me carrying what he'd taken out.

"You need something to wear, and this is what I've decided on," he said as he
neared the bed, then tossed me what he was holding. "I don't have to dress you
in anything, but I don't care to leave anyone in doubt as to whose you are.
Put it on and let me see how it looks."

There wasn't much to the thing he'd thrown to me but I sat up and pulled it
on, getting to my knees to urge it as far down as it would go. It was no
stunning shock to find that my new clothing was gold in color, and it didn't
take long to recognize the thing for what it was: a sleeveless shirt like the
one he wore, only one that had been torn at the front of its rounded neck. It
was made of that new material that has an unbelievable amount of stretch in
it, so that a single size will fit a very wide range of forms. Its twin fit
Kel-Ten tightly but apparently not uncomfortably, which meant I couldn't quite
believe how tight it was on me. It also stretched down to the middle of my
thighs, but that was not what I considered a positive point. Positive would
have been if it came down, at the very least, to my knees.

"Don't tell me," I said, looking up at him after inspecting myself in
that-shirt. "You've decided you don't like the smock I was given to wear
yesterday morning, but not because it matters. Only because this is the way
you want to do things. If I complain, I get to wear nothing at all."
"Certainly not," he disagreed with a grin, getting a good deal of enjoyment
out of looking me over. "If you complain you get to wear a gold neck ribbon
and bow, which certainly can't be called nothing. Come over here so I can make
that look a little better."

If I'd had any choice at all I would have stayed right where I was, but choice
was something I'd given up in the name of escape. I crawled to the end of the
bed and then got to my feet, and Kel-Ten came closer still wearing his grin.
His hands reached out to raise my chin a little, and then he was pulling hard
at the material, adding to the tear already in the top of the shirt. He kept
ripping until the cleavage was almost to my navel, and then he let go and
stepped back again.

"And to think I almost threw that shirt away when it was torn during a
friendly little tussle in physical exercise class," he said, so pleased with
what he'd done that his grin had widened. "That just goes to show you never
know when something will turn out handy rather than damaged. I think I have
more of an appetite now than I did before, so let's go get something to eat."

"You can't seriously expect me to walk around in this," I said, caught
unawares when he simply turned and headed out of the room. I had to hurry
after him in an effort to catch up, which made me feel even more ridiculous.
"This may well be worse than what they forced me to wear last night! Kel-Ten,
listen to me!"

"But I am listening to you," he answered, stopping in the doorway to turn and
look at me. "What I'm not sure about is what I'm hearing. Did I hear you say
you'd rather go naked?"

I slowed abruptly, more because of his stare than to keep from running into
him. He was still having a lot of fun, but that doesn't mean he was joking. I
could feel my cheeks heating up badly at the thought of being dragged around
that complex naked, and that was the answer he was looking for.

"I thought so," he said with a pleasant nod, reaching to take my hand. "Let's
go and have breakfast."

The bedroom had turned out to be the door to the left off the hall past the
bathroom, which made the door in the end wall the only one we hadn't used.
Kel-Ten remedied that by opening it and pulling me through, into a kitchen
that matched the rest of the apartment. This time there was a bright rose to
relieve the monotony of the gold, an effort to make the room look cheerful and
happy rather than cold and formal. I was taken to the golden table and pushed
into a comfortable gold and rose chair, and then my hand was released.

"You go ahead while I decide what I want," Kel-Ten said, indicating the oblong
in the table where my fingers were meant to touch. "I'm in the mood for
something different this morning, but I don't yet know what."

He had taken the chair right next to mine, and with a touch of his hand under
the table had made a menu appear in the table top. It seemed to be a menu with
quite a lot of listings, and I didn't understand that.

"I thought all diets were carefully regulated," I said, startled by the two or
three entries I could read without craning my neck. Most chefs didn't stock
dishes requiring such complex preparation, and there was even one I'd heard
about but had never managed to taste. "Or does that go only for dining room
meals?"
"Location has nothing to do with it," he answered, glancing at me with an
amusement that should have warned me. "It's you girls who have carefully
regulated diets; we men can eat anything we please as long as we stay in
decent physical shape. We're not the ones who get pregnant, after all. A girl
who stays the night in a Prime's apartment is sometimes given a special tidbit
if she's been especially good, but even we aren't allowed to ruin what the the
dieticians decide on for you. Touch the plate, and my chef will deliver
whatever it is you're supposed to have."

He went back to his perusal of the menu then, leaving me to sit silent but
furious. I hated being watched and controlled so completely, hated having
everything decided for me without my own wishes being consulted. My stomach
had been letting me know about the meals I'd missed the day before, but the
hunger pangs were a lot less than I would have expected them to be. It was
just as though I hadn't been eating so regularly lately that missing a few
meals was something to take special notice of, but that was silly. I always
ate regular meals, and I'd grown more slender than I was usually was
because-because- Well, probably because I'd been on a diet or had been working
especially hard. I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated over not being able
to remember, but there was something I did remember. If you miss enough meals
You'll die of malnutrition no matter who doesn't want it happening, no matter
how hard they try to stop it. The realization made me feel a good deal better,
and Kel-Ten couldn't say- I hadn't warned him. I'd said that if I could find a
way to die I would take it, and it looked like I just might have done exactly
that.

"Touching the plate won't do me any good," I said, trying to sound surly and
resentful instead of filled with satisfaction. "I was told yesterday that I
was being punished, and wouldn't be allowed to eat until someone decided I
could and I was specifically given permission. I haven't been given that
permission yet."

"That's ridiculous," Kel-Ten said, looking up from the menu with a frown.
"You're already clearly underweight, and you're starting to lose color. In all
the years I've been here, I've never heard of them doing anything so-"

His words broke off as he looked at me, and I suddenly had the awful feeling
he was remembering what I'd told him as clearly as I did. If I'd had any
intelligence at all I would have kept quiet and not given any warning, but
some part of me had insisted that wasn't fair. I'd found it very necessary to
be fair, but the next minute that fairness did me in.

"So you're being punished," Kel-Ten said, no longer in any way amused with me.
"If that's true, then touching the plate will prove it. If they don't want you
eating, they'll have directed the chef not to give you anything. Let's just
see."

I tried to keep him from taking my hand, but he had very little trouble
ignoring my efforts. After forcing my fingers open he pressed them to the
plate, then sat back to stare at me while I rubbed at my hand. He'd hurt me in
his attempt to test his theory, but not so much that the pain became my
greatest concern. I knew his chef would cause considerably more damage, and it
wasn't long before I was proven right. Much too quickly the delivery slot in
the center of the table raised up, and an unreasonably large number of dishes
were pushed out.

"What was that you said a minute ago?" Kel-Ten asked, moving angry eyes from
the delivery to me. "You're not being allowed food, or you're not being
allowed everything edible in the complex? From the looks of that meal, the
dieticians are even more unhappy with your weight than I am. I don't know what
you thought you'd gain by lying to me, but I guarantee it'll turn out to be
nothing like what you were expecting. As soon as I have the time, you're
getting punished. Now take that food and start eating it."

"And if I don't?" I countered, his anger making mine flare in response-even if
I did feel as though I were repeating myself like a faulty recording. "I'm not
used to eating when I have no appetite, and every time I turn around in this
place something happens to ruin what appetite I do have. If you and they want
me to eat, you can all leave me alone. Maybe not being bothered for a while
will make me hungry again."

"If you don't eat on your own, they'll force-feed you," he came back, his
angry gaze sharp as he answered only my question and ignored the rest of what
I'd said. "I saw it done a couple of times, and you won't believe how
unpleasant it is until you're the one it happens to. They make everything as
close to a liquid as they can, and then they use a tube to put it directly
into your stomach. One of the girls I watched tried throwing up, and to teach
her not to do it again they took what she'd brought up and made her swallow it
without the tube. If you'd prefer doing it that way go right ahead, I don't
mind watching it again."

Meaning there was no way he would lie for me and say I'd eaten when I hadn't.
I moved around in the chair he'd put me in, completely nauseated by the story
he'd told, feeling his eyes on me even though I wasn't looking at him.
Considering the fact that a dead partner would be of very little use to him,
his attitude wasn't terribly surprising. He was going to keep me alive until
we could escape, another unpleasant truth I was wasting my time trying to
ignore. I hesitated no more than an additional moment, staring at the edge of
the gold table in an effort to regain control of myself, then reached for the
first of the dishes.

"How nice to see reason prevailing," he said, his tone dry and not quite back
to being amused. "Don't even think about leaving any of that over, or I'll
make sure your section leader finds out. I happen to know what she'll have
done to you, and you really won't care for it. I will, but you certainly
won't."

Good humor had returned to him with the last of his words, and the mood seemed
to help him make his breakfast decision. He dialed his choice from the chef
and took it eagerly when it came, then proceeded to make the rest of the meal
more silent than the beginning had been. His food smelled a whole lot better
than mine, something I was sure he was aware of, and he even went so far as to
offer me a taste of it. I ignored the offer and just kept working my way
through the plain and very healthy food I'd been given, having no desire for
anything better. I didn't even have a desire for what I was eating, but others
had decided on desire for me.

By the time the meal was over, I was thinking seriously about being depressed.
I'd expected to have trouble finishing so many different items of food, but
each portion had proven to be exactly the right amount, and before I knew it
everything was down my throat. Even the large glass of swed was just right for
the meal provided, and it really bothered me that they knew my capacity and
needs so well that they'd known just what to give me. Being still hungry or
terribly stuffed would have been much more pleasant, but they weren't trying
to make things pleasant for me. They were trying to keep me alive and healthy,
to make sure I served their high and noble purposes.

"It's time for us to get going," Kel-Ten announced into the brooding silence I
was wrapped in, taking the empty swed glass out of my hands before getting to
his feet and pulling me up after him. "My first class is a relaxer, to let me
digest my meal in peace, and after that the heavy stuff starts. I also haven't
checked my schedule for today, so we'll begin with that. Come this way first."

His "this way" turned out to be a stop in the bathroom, where I was allowed to
see to my bodily functions-but not privately-and then had my hair brushed by
him. Hair brushing without first bathing and/or washing was ludicrous, which
meant the action fit in very well with the rest of what had been done to me in
that place. When I was groomed to my owner's satisfaction, we left the
apartment.

Since wed taken a lift up to the apartment the night before, it wasn't
entirely unexpected that we needed a drop to go down again. We emerged onto a
floor different from the one the dining room was on, but not different where
posh was concerned. The red carpeting was top quality, the walls paneled and
hung with artwork, the lighting source excellently invisible, the ceilings
high enough to accommodate a gathering area that large. Men dressed like
Kel-Ten filled the area, some sitting on the cream-colored furniture, some
standing around, some strolling from group to group or place to place, all
looking perfectly relaxed and at home. I was led into the midst of them by a
briskly strolling Kel-Ten as though I were nothing special or of particular
importance, but most of the conversations slowed and died as we passed. We
went through a good part of the area before stopping in front of a large glass
board with electronic notices neatly posted all over it, and that was where
some of the men suddenly decided to go as well.

"Good morning, Kel-Ten," a man in red greeted my companion pleasantly but
respectfully, looking at me rather than at the man he addressed. "I hadn't
noticed what a really pretty morning it was until you got here, but now I can
see it clearly. Yes, sir, more than clearly."

"It's supposed to rain today, Ank-Soh," Kel-Ten said without turning away from
the board, his observation casual and accompanied by his tapping a finger
against one of the items in the glass. "The window I looked out of earlier
seemed to confirm that, but maybe my windows don't face the way yours do. I
hate running outside when it rains."

"Oh, it shouldn't be all that bad," the man Ank-Soh came back, a grin on his
face as he continued to stare at me. "Who cares if you come back wet and cold,
as long as you have something to dry you off and warm you up? You wouldn't
find me minding if I had all that, especially if it was scowling and blushing
with embarrassment instead of bouncing with eagerness. You never know how much
you'll miss having a woman trying to say no, until you don't have it any more.
And what did you do to get them to let you keep her like that?"

"Her?" Kel-Ten echoed, as though he had no idea what the other man was talking
about, and then he turned away from the board to show heavy, overdone
revelation. "Oh, you're talking about sweet thing here. Id almost forgotten I
had her with me. I didn't do anything, Ank-Soh, except for what I always do,
which is continuing to be First Prime. I'm teaching her to behave herself
while I keep her, so maybe they think I'm doing them a favor and that's why
they're not trying to take her back. She's been fun so far, but who knows how
long the fun will last? By the time she's ready for her first covering, I
might be bored again."

"If you are, then I'm next in line to try for the privilege," Ank-Soh
murmured, his dark eyes bright as he reached two fingers out and used them to
stroke the side of my breast. The extended tear in the shirt made a touch like
that easy to accomplish, but in my opinion he didn't have the right to do
something like that. Without even thinking about it I stepped back away from
his fingers, and his grin widened as he and Kel-Ten both began to chuckle.
"Don't forget I said `might,' " Kel-Ten stressed to the other man, his
amusement clear as his hands came to my arms from behind. "Even when she obeys
me she does it reluctantly, and that's one of the things I like best. Go ahead
and touch her, and you'll understand what I mean. "

The hands on my arms tightened to hold me in place, which meant I couldn't
avoid Ank-Soh's casually reaching fingers a second time. The man in red
stroked the side of my breast lightly, then deliberately reached his entire
hand inside the shirt to squeeze my breast gently but possessively. I tried to
twist out of Kel-Ten's grip and away from the insult of being touched like
that, but the man behind me held me in place while the one in front of me kept
on with his amusement. It continued for a time that was short but infuriating,
and then Ank-Soh's grin widened again.

"Those green eyes would broil me to a cinder if they could," he said with a
laugh of pure delight, still moving his fingers on my flesh. "Not only is she
damned goodlooking, but she'd hate it if I started dipping her. What's your
schedule like, Kel-Ten? Any chance you'll be so tied up you won't notice if
someone borrows her for an hour or two?"

"Sorry, Ank-Soh, but I only have three scheduled   for today," my owner answered
with a laugh of his own, nothing of regret to be   heard in his voice. "I'll
need sweet thing to keep me entertained the rest   of the time, so you're out of
luckat least for now. Tomorrow could turn out to   be different."

"Then I'll check with you again tomorrow," Ank-Soh said, withdrawing his hand
with what seemed like real reluctance. "Right now I think I'll skip relaxation
class and find one of the rings I'm assigned to cover. If I don't, I'll never
survive heavy ex. And if they try taking her away to make her like the others,
let me know and I'll help you organize a general riot. See you later, my
friend-and you, too, sweet thing."

He tapped me lightly under the chin before turning and walking away, and
Kel-Ten chuckled as he finally let me go.

"I knew you'd be popular, sweet thing," he murmured, patting me on the
backside. "Ank-Soh is one of the two Primes one step directly below me, and
thinks that when he gets around to challenging me he'll win. One more minute
of touching your knob, and he would have projected his 'rock to every man in a
thirty-five foot radius. The board says he has a challenge of his own to meet
today, and how much would you like to bet he wins it without half trying?"

"Why don't I bet everything I own?" I muttered in answer, trying to control a
temper that was rising much too fast. "And what will you do if I suddenly
decide to play cow to every bull you stand me in front of? No novelty means no
interest, the best way I can think of to keep their hands off me."

"You, stand there and play cow?" he asked, coming around to stare down at me
with brows raised high. "Are you forgetting I'm the one who's supposed to make
the jokes? If you ever stood there and took it without complaining, I'd rush
you to Medical to find out what was wrong with you. Let's get going, and I'll
give you a tour of this place."

He took my hand and moved off again, through the crowds of men who were now
for the most part staring. A number of them were staring with interest, but at
least the same number were staring with disapproving frowns on their faces. I
thought I was the only one to notice that, but once we were past them and
walking up a very wide corridor with lift doors on either side, Kel-Ten made a
soft sound of disgust.
"Those jerks," he muttered, making no effort to look back. "They're afraid to
face any woman who isn't crazy about them from first to last, but they still
expect to win challenges and make it to the top of the list. They still
haven't figured out that the name of the game is confidence, something you
have in everything or don't have in anything. To your left over there is the
rec area for high girls, to the right the exercise areas for Primes. Physical
exercise is taken by all Primes together no matter what their grade, and they
separate only later on, when it's time for serious work. Low Primes get to
look at high girls, but touching is out until they make high status. Most of
the high girls are no better than the low girls, but it's the principle of the
thing."

Wed stopped at the end of the corridor to look around at the very large open
area that stretched both left and right, but open only in the sense that it
was made of windows that let anyone standing there look out. Couches and
chairs of leather covered the uncarpeted area, making it a nice place to sit
and take in the sun on days when there was visible sun in the sky. That
particular day was dark and overcast with the promise of rain, which was
enough to make the wide expanse feel cold despite the warmth of the interior
heating system.

"What's this high and low you all keep talking about?" I asked, suppressing a
shiver as I looked away from the heavy clouds not far above the transparent
roof. "And why does the term `Prime' refer only to men in this place? I've
been a Prime long enough to find the differentiation petty as well as stupid."

"That's only because you weren't a Prime here," he answered, faintly amused
again. "Once you're here a while you'll understand that that's the only way it
can possibly work, the only way they can get what they want. The men here are
trained hard to use their abilities in a way empaths have never before been
trained, and once they get to a certain stage they're out-and-out dangerous.
Considering what they need from the women, how smart would it be to train them
to be just as dangerous? A trained Prime can say no and make it stick, which
would put an end to the breeding of even more Primes. They need their supply
more than they need trained women, so the females around here are just girls."

He looked around, spotted a couch he seemed to approve of, walked over to it,
then pulled me down next to him as he sprawled comfortably.

"High and low status," he said, getting ready to lecture on the subject as he
locked his hands behind his head. "For Primes, high and low comes about by how
quickly you learn and how well you do in challenges. As soon as your mind
starts opening out you can get involved in challenging for higher level
positions, but some men never get to that point. Their minds seem frozen and
totally inflexible, unable to get much beyond where they already are. They
start out low and never get past that, but since research shows they can sire
sons who can get past the block or whatever it is, they aren't kicked out to
panhandle oh street corners. They stay low, and service the girls who are low.

"All girls are low when they first come into this facility, even the ones who
were raised in the creches a few miles away. Low for girls means unrated, and
rating comes only after their first Prime fetus is brought to term by one of
the host mothers. Average output in this place has come to be one Prime
offspring for every ten pregnancies, and any girl who does better than that is
raised to high status and assigned to high Primes. They also have better
living quarters, areas to relax and have fun in, and contests to see which of
them can produce the most male Prime offspring. They're given parties and
fussed over for every fifth male Prime baby, and there are charts in their
quarters showing where each of them stands in the contest. Every time the
reports are due to be updated, they get so excited you can hear them jumping
and squealing from three floors away."

"If you were trying to make me nauseous, you've managed it," I told him from
where I sat on the very edge of the couch, not joking in the least. "I now
understand why they use conditioning, and how compassionate they are to do it.
Are they gentle with the ones who go crazy from living a life like that?"

"None of them go crazy, and you won't either," he said, unlocking his hands to
lean up and pull me to him. "I doubt if anyone will be expecting you to jump
around clapping your hands and squealing, so no one will be disappointed when
you don't. Your spare time will be filled by me and those like me, so you
won't have much opportunity to brood. All in all it should be a lot of fun."

"Fun!" The one word exploded out of me with such outrage that he began to
laugh, something I could feel through the chest I was being held against. I
could also feel his hand where it rose beneath the hem of my shirt to rub my
bottom, but before I could even start to struggle out of his grip a gentle
chiming sounded. The chiming was obviously a signal of sorts, as he
immediately let me go, got to his feet, then pulled me up beside him.

"That's the official signal for the start of the day, and for the first time
in a long time I'm eager to start with it," he said, sending me a grin before
moving off to the right of the couch wed been on. "I knew you'd be good for
me, but I hadn't realized just how good. Yes, sweet thing, we are going to
have fun."

Which was the last we had in the way of conversation for a while. He pulled me
with him to a large room where I was put into a corner, then was left to watch
while he and the other men who entered spent their time on their knees with
their eyes closed, alternating between breathing strangely and remaining
absolutely unmoving. The goings on held my fascinated attention for a good ten
seconds, and after that there was nothing to occupy me but boredom. Over the
last couple of days I'd been given enough to think about, but the picture
drawn for me of the life of a high female Prime in that place had made me too
depressed to want to think.

After breathing and playing tree, the men went to a big gym area and I got to
go with them. They were put through quite a lot of exercise that got heavier
and more complex as it went along, and after an exquisitely monotonous amount
of time they were led toward a set of doors and through them. The doors
obviously led outside, an observation reinforced by the presence of
white-uniformed male Sees, but although that was one destination I wouldn't
have minded being dragged to, I didn't get to go along. I'd been left in the
keeping of one of the Sees, and he made sure I stayed seated on the floor
where Kel-Ten had left me, amused over my annoyance but firm in his decision.
Kel-Ten didn't want me wandering around, so seated was the way I would stay
until he came back.

That, I suppose, was the point I gave up trying to keep from thinking. There's
only so much boredom you can take even when you're depressed, and I had the
distinct impression the men would not be coming back in anything like a little
while. If there had only been the major points of disturbance coming at me I
could have held them off a good deal longer, but I was being prodded by minor
points that were more confusing than upsetting. None of them seemed to fit,
and my thoughts went to poking at them even before I sighed and joined in.

The men were being trained to be "dangerous," and the higher the level they
reached, the more dangerous they were considered to be. No one seemed willing
to discuss what they were being trained for, but that wasn't the part
bothering me so much. I knew a fully developed Prime was dangerous; even with
the reasons for the knowledge locked behind that door in my mind, I was far
from uncertain. What didn't quite match that unsupported knowledge were the
things I'd heard Kel-Ten and even Jer-Mar saying, things that made no sense.
Jer-Mar had boasted that he'd been able to split a projection in two and hold
it for a full thirty seconds. Kel-Ten had said that Ank-Soh, one of the two
men right below his own exalted position, would have projected to "every man
in a thirty-five foot radius" if he'd lost control of himself.

Those were supposed to be high accomplishments? That was what brought them
promotion and rewards and even fear from Sees who didn't happen to be nulls?
Baby tricks like that?

I made a sound of frustration as I leaned back against the wall I was sitting
in front of, drawing another amused glance from the Sec standing near me. He
hadn't been shy about inspecting me with his eyes when I'd first been left
with him, and he'd obviously considered it very funny when I'd kept my knees
together by bending both my legs to the left beside me after sitting down. I
had the distinct impression he would have enjoyed making use of me, but Mera
had been right when shed said we had nothing to fear from the male Sees in the
men's areas. It wasn't that they weren't interested in us, only that they
weren't permitted to touch us, and I wondered if it really was fear of the
Primes, as Mera had suggested, that made sure they obeyed the rules.

Fear of Primes who strutted around because they could do baby tricks.

I couldn't hold back another sound, this time one of annoyance, but my
attention was no longer on the Sec or how he was taking my involuntary
reactions. I knew beyond doubt that / could do more than the trained wonders
the facility was so proud of, but that was all I seemed to know. Trying to
reach my own ability was almost enough to make me forget I had an ability, the
harder I tried, the more the memory faded. Obviously I had their conditioning
to thank for that, and trying to press the point wouldn't have made much
sense. I was "turned off," a state Kel-Ten said he would change, a state I
wished I could stop thinking about. Some part of me seemed to consider the
phrase very important, a key to something vital, but the rest of me hadn't the
faintest idea what that could be. It was adding to my frustration so badly I
almost wished it was one of the things I'd been conditioned to ignore. They
didn't want me reaching what I could do, but knowing why I couldn't do it was
perfectly legal.

I fell so deeply into the mud pit of confusion and frustration, that the first
I knew Kel-Ten was back was when he leaned down to tickle me in a rather
sensitive place. I gasped and jumped, embarrassed and ready to be outraged,
especially when the Sec joined him in laughing at me. The great Prime was
covered in sweat, his blond hair hanging in strings, his pretty gold outfit
soaked through and looking as though it should be thrown in the trash, but his
blue eyes said he was still enjoying himself.

"I asked how you would like to take a shower with me," he said, his grin more
than mocking. "The number of other men showering with us shouldn't bother you,
not the way you like water, and if I should happen to think of something to do
in addition to showering, you'll be right there and handy. What do you say?"

"I say I'd rather stay dirty for the rest of my life," I answered,   getting to
my feet to glare at him. I almost went on to tell him how little a   shot he
really was, but the anger inside me refused to let me be stupid. I   could get
as mad as I liked, as long as I kept quiet about things that could   turn out to
be an advantage at a later time.
"I wonder how I knew   you were going to say that?" he mused, the grin still
there and strong. "I   think I'm learning to read-your mind even if I can't
reach it. And what a   handy talent it's proving, too, since I've already made
arrangements for you   to do something else while I'm showering. Come along,
sweet thing."

He took my hand and then I was being pulled along behind him again, toward the
door leading out of the gym into the corridor. I would have hated being
treated like that even if his hand hadn't been as sweaty as the rest of him,
but there wasn't much I could do to stop it. I was his brand new toy, and
people played with their toys just as they liked.

Rather than going back toward the central area of couches and windows, Kel-Ten
led me more deeply into the men's areas. A couple of minutes worth of walking
brought us to an unmarked, light brown door, and before I could ask any
questions my owner had it open and I was being taken through it. Inside were
two men, one in Security white and one in Medical brown, and they both looked
around when we appeared.

"Right on time, Prime Kel-Ten," the man in brown said with a smile as he
walked toward us. "We appreciate this more than words can say. Your generous
cooperation won't be forgotten, I can assure you of that."

"I'll make certain it isn't, Gerdoh," Kel-Ten answered with a grin, pulling me
closer to the other man by the hand he still held. "If you need to check her
to be sure I haven't damaged her, go right ahead and check away. The only
other thing you also have to make sure of is that when I come back to get her,
I find the same girl I'm leaving. If you-improve-her the way you and your
group like doing to everything female coming past you, you'll be gifted with
something besides generous cooperation that won't be forgotten. You have my
word on it. " '

"Now, now, Prime Kel-Ten, we have no intentions of taking her away from you or
doing anything that would displease you," the Medical man said in a soothing
way, raising one hand but pot using it to touch the hard-eyed Prime he spoke
to. "You've earned the right to have the girl any way you wish, as long as
she's well cared for. We'll simply assure ourselves of her continuing good
health, and then you may have her back."

"As long as we both know where we stand, she's all yours," Kel-Ten said
lightly, finally letting my hand go. "You can tell your Class Zero Sec over
there to relax, I need a shower more than I need a fight. Right now, that is."

He gave the man Gerdoh a very amused grin, then turned and left the room
without bothering to see to the door he'd left open. The Sec followed behind
and closed the door quietly, and the Medical man took a deep breath and let it
out slowly.

"I don't care what anyone tells me, I can feel their minds pushing at mine
whenever one of them talks to me," he muttered, possibly to the Sec or maybe
to the empty air. "If that's what they're like when they're reasonably calm, I
don't ever want to get one of them angry at me. Most especially not that one."

He shuddered just a little at the thought, clearly impressed with the man
called First Prime, then put his disturbing ideas behind him. He was a fairly
tall but rather thin man with very straight black hair and brown eyes, and I
knew he was ready to get down to business when he squared his narrow shoulders
and smiled patronizingly in my direction.

"And how are we feeling this morning, Terry?" he asked, his tone suggesting we
were friends of long standing. "The Prime indulged himself rather extensively
between last evening and this morning. Are we possibly a bit sore now?"

"Maybe you are," I answered, trying to ignore the warmth in my cheeks as I
folded my arms and looked at the man. "I hadn't realized he'd indulged himself
with you as well as me, but I feel fine. If you've developed a problem,
though, I'd suggest abstaining for a while."

The man Gerdoh blinked at me in confusion for a moment while the Sec chuckled,
and then he sent me a frown.

"My dear girl, there's really no need to be insulting," he said, less in anger
than in wounded protest. "We've had you brought here to be certain you haven't
been harmed, and will continue to see to your well-being as best we may. It's
a pity the Prime wants to keep you as you are, he has no real idea how
difficult he's making things for you, but he mustn't be denied. My superiors
are delighted with the change in him, and don't care to see him returned to
the-destructive-frame of mind he was previously in. Since you now know my
question was far from idle, I would appreciate your answering me."

"I've already answered you," I said, feeling that strange anger beginning to
rise in me again. "As though it really mattered. If it turns out that he did
hurt me, will you take me away from him or punish him for doing it? Of course
you will, why am I wasting time asking? As concerned as everyone is about me,
how can there be any question?"

"Now, now, you have your value just as he has his," the man tried to soothe
me, his properly correct smile meant to be reassuring. "If he's hurt you he'll
be spoken to, to see that it doesn't happen again. Come over here and lie down
on the table, please. I'm afraid I'll need to examine you."

He turned away from me and began moving toward the table he'd mentioned, the
same sort of table thered been in the room the woman in yellow had taken me
to. Even if I hadn't been angry I wouldn't have gone near a thing like that
again, but I d forgotten-about the Sec. As soon as he knew for certain I
wasn't about to move from where I stood on my own, his big hand circled my arm
and pulled me forward with no difficulty at all. He was one of the biggest men
I'd ever seen, larger even than KelTen, the difference between them enough to
be noticed.

"When you're given an order, pretty girl, you'd better learn to obey it," he
said, his dark eyes looking down at me with something not too different from
amusement. "The doctor wants you on the table, so that's where you're going to
be put."

"Gently, man, gently," Gerdoh cautioned him nervously, turning back to watch
as the Sec ignored my struggling and lifted me onto the table. "If the Prime
returns to find her bruised, there's no telling what he may do."

"There isn't much he can do to me, " the Sec answered with   almost total
unconcern, paying more attention to holding me down on the   table than to the
man he was talking to. "If he closes his eyes he can't see   me, which means all
he can try using is his hands. If he's stupid enough to do   that, he won't be
in any condition to even look in your direction."

The arrogance in the Sec's eyes added to his faint smile as he held me down,
and the shudder that had touched Gerdoh earlier came back to see that I had my
own turn with it. A Class Zero was a null, and the thought of nulls had always
frightened me in a way I couldn't completely understand. I remembered that
nulls couldn't be touched by empaths, that their emotions were hidden away on
a level none of us could reach, which meant even the strongest of us had
reason to be wary of them. Wary, yes, but wariness doesn't account for the
presence of fear-and didn't explain why something he'd said had struck me as
strange. If he closes his eyes he can't see me, he'd said, but does not seeing
something mean it isn't there? If it doesn't, what does it mean?

"Now, now, you know well enough our superiors don't want him hurt," Gerdoh
fussed in agitation, sounding as though he were the one who needed the
soothing and reassurance. "If we do nothing to antagonize him, it won't be
necessary to concern ourselves with the possibility of official censure. Young
woman, if you don't stop kicking like that, I'm going to have to bind your
ankles.

From the sound of his voice Gerdoh was now annoyed with me, but I couldn't
have cared less. The Sec hadn't let me go once he'd put me on the table, and
he was leaning so close I couldn't even see the Medical man where he stood a
few steps behind him. Dark-haired and dark-eyed, the man wasn't all that
unattractive, but the point bothering me was what he was, not what he looked
like. I tried telling myself my heart was hammering because of the way I
struggled to get free from his arms and hands, an explanation that might also
have covered why my mouth was dry, but if I'd said any of that aloud the Sec
would have laughed. He knew I was afraid of him, and the knowledge made him
grin as he stared down at me. I twisted harder against him, trying to push him
away, then had to cry out in protest even though it was already too late.

"Now, now, you were warned, you know." Gerdoh said distractedly in answer to
my wordless shout, undoubtedly watching as the soft cloth he'd looped around
my ankles retracted toward the table. "We haven't all the time in the world,
and if you refuse to cooperate like a good girl you'll just have to pay the
price. If you like, Adjin, you can use the wrist bindings instead of having to
hold her."

"It's no trouble holding her," the Sec answered sounding casual but showing a
wider grin. Then he leaned even closer to me and said in a very low voice,
"I'll bet you're a good girl even when you don't cooperate. Oh, yes, a very
good girl."

I refused to shiver where the null could see it, but that doesn't mean the
shiver never happened. He had his left arm around my body and his right hand
holding my right wrist, the arm of that hand doing far too much in keeping my
left arm down and pinned between us. With my ankles tight to the table I could
scarcely move, but I still gasped and tried to jump when Gerdoh began his
examination. Those in charge of the facility were anxious to know if their top
stud had damaged the little mare with his boyish enthusiasm, but not because
they gave a damn about the mare. They were worried about her because they
still had to breed her, and if she were damaged they would lose the use of
her.

It's difficult to be angry and frightened and embarrassed all at the same
time, but somehow I managed it. Gerdoh's examination was as far from arousing
as you can get, and being held like that by the Sec while it was going on made
it worse than any internal I'd ever had. I squirmed as hard as I could in an
effort to stop it, and got just as far as one would expect; Gerdoh was
ignoring me, and the Sec Adjin was simply enjoying himself. I really believed
it was as bad as it could reasonably become, forgetting briefly how
unreasonable that place actually was until the Sec's fingers left my wrist
after pushing my arm more nearly under his body. He wanted his hand free so
that he could slide it into the tear in my shirt, that tear everyone seemed to
find so irresistible. I gasped again as his fingers closed painfully on my
breast, trying for the fiftieth time to struggle free, but nothing had
changed. The null held me down while he groped me, and Gerdoh never knew
anything was happening.

It wasn't all that long before the examination was over, it only felt like
forever. When Gerdoh got off the stool he'd been perched on, Adjin's hand left
its comfortable nest, no abrupt movement, no guilty start, just a calm
shifting from one place to another that the medical man never noticed. Very
briefly I'd considered telling the man supposedly in charge just what was
being done to me while he was so engrossed in his work, but I couldn't seem to
do it. The look in the Sec's dark eyes really frightened me, a
heart-fluttering coldness that said nothing so terrible would happen to him if
I told, nothing that would keep him from coming after me later to show how
unhappy he was. I didn't want him coming after me later, didn't want him near
me ever again, and just keeping quiet seemed like the best way to make that
happen.

"I'm pleased to report that you've taken the Prime's vigorous efforts with no
difficulty whatsoever," Gerdoh said, actually sounding as pleased as he
claimed to be. "It's almost as though you've been accustomed to use of that
sort, but such an idea would be ridiculously outlandish. Most probably you're
merely adapting well, and we need to do no more than remain alert against any
possible future difficulties. The Prime is extremely fortunate in having
chosen a woman so well suited to his situation, and we, of course, are even
more delighted than he."

He'd been moving around as he spoke, doing something I couldn't see with the
Sec in the way, but that didn't last. He reappeared at the foot of the table
and moved around to the other side of it, then gestured at the null with the
injector he held.

"Turn her a bit more toward you and hold her still, Adjin," he directed, back
to being partially distracted. "She won't enjoy this, and I don't want her
jumping at the wrong time and hurting herself."

"What are you doing?" I demanded, vaguely wondering if words as shaky as mine
could be called a demand.

The Sec had shifted his hold to turn me part way to him, the ankle bindings
and his hand clamped tight to my thigh keeping me just the way Gerdoh wanted.
I hated the idea of being given any more injections in that madhouse, but
laboratory animals are never offered their choice. The needle went into me
just above the Sec's hand, and this time it hurt enough to make me cry out.

"There, there, it's just about all done," Gerdoh soothed mechanically as he
paid attention to what he was doing, finally withdrawing the needle no more
than an instant before I would have screamed. "We do have to be sure you'll
continue being able to accept what Prime Kel-Ten wants to give you, and my
superiors were somewhat displeased with the way you attempted to refuse
allowing Prime Ank-Soh's touching of you. The Prime may have been amused by
the novelty of the thing, but there's really no reason for him or any other
Prime to have to be subjected to something like that. If the next occurrence
of a similar happening shows you being more amenable, your dosage will be
reduced again."

I detested self-satisfied voices like Gerdoh's, almost as much as I detested
the way the null ran his hand slowly over my bottom before letting me go
completely. The Medical man had already turned away to rid himself of the
injector, of course, and I just lay there on the table, tears trickling down
my cheeks. I suppose I would have been happier if the tears were from
frustration or anger, but even I was incapable of giving me happiness in that
place. I was too miserable to be frustrated, too sunk in hopelessness to be
angry, and pulling that ridiculous shirt back down to the middle of my thighs
did nothing to make me feel better. Even a full uniform wouldn't have kept me
from being a walking invitation to violation, and the tears I cried were the
terrible tears of helplessness.

By the time Kel-Ten came back for me my ankles had been freed and I was simply
sitting on the table, but the flow of tears from my eyes hadn't stopped. He
was no longer covered in sweat and his gold outfit had also obviously been
cleaned, but the grin he walked in with faded when he saw me. A heavy coldness
darkened his light gaze as he strode to where I sat, and Gerdoh was already
speaking even before the Prime's arms went around me.

"Now, now, Prime Kel-Ten, she's quite unharmed," he said more hurriedly than
soothingly, his nervousness obvious even to me. "She's merely begun feeling
the effects of her injection, effects which are making her extremely unhappy.
She'll need seeing to in the near future, but I would recommend not sooner
than after lunch. A touch of discipline will do her no end of good, and we
were asked by her section head to administer punishment to her if we found an
opportunity."

"Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that," Kel-Ten said, raising my face with one
hand to examine me critically. "I can see from the way she's blushing and
squirming that is the only thing wrong with her, so you can stop thinking
about which direction to run in, Gerdoh. And since I owe her some punishing of
my own, I'll take your suggestion about after lunch and may even add to it. I
was going to cover one of my three rings after lunch, and if she doesn't show
me something to change my mind, I'll make her sit there and watch."

"An excellent thought, Prime Kel-Ten, an excellent thought," Gerdoh laughed in
relieved agreement, finally coming away from the side of the Sec he'd almost
put himself behind. "Just to show my appreciation of your noble generosity,
understanding and cooperation, I believe I'll tell you now of the decision
made by my superiors. They've concluded that an experiment of sorts is
definitely in order, so they've altered the rules in regard to this female.
When her first fertile period arrives, it's you they mean to assign to cover
her. In that way you won't need to give her up for the time, and afterward
there will be other high Primes doing the same. If her percentage turns out to
be significantly higher than the norm, other unconditioned females will be
experimented with. "

"Say, now, I really appreciate that," Kel -Ten said with a wide grin, his arm
tightening possessively around me, his tone clearly delighted. "I can see you
people are going out of your way to please me, and I won't forget it. Come on,
sweet thing, let's go to lunch."

He took my hand and pulled me off the table, then strode out of the room with
me hurrying behind. He whistled as we moved along, obviously in the highest
spirits, and didn't think to glance in my direction until we were almost back
to the bank of lifts. Once he did the whistling cut off abruptly, and he
stopped to put a hasty arm around me. I wasn't crying any longer, but if I
looked the way I felt my face must have been absolutely ghastly.

"Now, now, none of that," he said in the softest   of voices, for an instant
giving me the crazy impression it was Gerdoh who   was speaking. "I know what's
bothering you, but you can't let it. You have to   accept it the way we agreed
you would, or at least wait until we can discuss   it in private. Do you hear me
and understand what I'm saying?"

There wasn't much for me to do besides nod, which didn't in any way change
anything. Despite all the open spaces in that part of the complex, I could
feel the walls closing in from all sides. My body was burning, the arm Kel-Ten
had around my shoulders making it considerably worse, and I finally understood
to the very core of me that when it came time for him to see to his newest
assignment, I'd have no choice about accepting it. I'd find it necessary to
pull him to me rather than push him away, and then it would be irrevocably
done.

"I'll bet one of your problems is that you're hungry," Kel-Ten said with a
smile after seeing my nod, his free hand smoothing my hair as he began leading
me forward again. "It's been hours since breakfast, and as soon as we get some
food in you, you'll be right back to snapping at me again. Come on, it's not
much farther."

At least he was right about that. The doors to the dining room were only a
short way beyond the lift area, and they opened into a much fancier dining
room than the first one I'd been taken to. Crystal and silver sparkled among
gracefully beautiful flowers, but here, too, the opulence went from high to
higher. We made our way past tables filled with males and females together,
lovely music keeping step with us, until we reached the very center of the
room. There was a single, smaller table there, the decorations golden rather
than silver, and the only ones to sit at it were we two.

"You'd laugh if I told you how many of my distinguished peers tried angling
for an invitation to join us for lunch," Kel-Ten said as he deposited me in a
chair then took the one next to it himself. "They all wish they'd gotten to
you first, the ones who are real men, I mean. For a little while I was
thinking about using one of the high tables in the low dining room instead of
coming here, but I changed my mind. I certainly don't belong there, and now
you don't either."

He leaned over me with a good deal of satisfaction and pressed my fingers to
the print-plate in the table, then called up a menu for himself. The dial for
the table's chef was disguised amid all the glitter and sparkle, but he had no
trouble finding it and using it once he'd made his selection. By then my own
meal was being delivered, and I couldn't stop the surge of fury that rose in
me over the continuing fact that he ate what he pleased while I ate what was
given me. I hated it, all of it, especially when I felt a sharp twist of
hunger I should have been too out of sorts to feel. I knew at once I was being
manipulated again, either by something that had been added to my breakfast or
by something in that injection, and it was all I could do to keep from jumping
up and running out of there. If there hadn't been a promise of escape . . .

But, as slim as it was, there was a promise of escape. Kel-Ten chattered away
while I ate mechanically and silently, finding nothing of any interest in the
meal. This time 1 d been allowed a small cup of kimla to be drunk after I'd
finished my glass of swed, and I took a small amount of grim satisfaction in
ignoring it completely. I neither needed nor wanted their version of treats
for the little child, the thrill of being allowed something normally reserved
only for grown-ups. I was willing to bet they'd also approved a taste or two
of wine for dinner, and was looking forward to refusing that as well.

As was to be expected, Kel-Ten's meal lasted longer than mine. This time he
didn't offer me any of it, and when he'd discovered I wasn't answering any of
his conversation he'd stopped talking and spent his time simply watching me.
By the time he was through I could see he was really amused, and the glare I
sent him only added to his fun. I'd been uncomfortable while I'd been eating,
but once the food was gone there was nothing to distract me from the results
of the injection 1 d been given. I'd thought the shot from the day before had
been bad, but right then I was learning the true meaning of bad.
Everything touching me was sending flashes of heat through my body, even the
brocade of the chair against the bare part of my thighs, the brush of the
tablecloth against my leg, the very movement of the air around me. My
breathing was ragged and I couldn't sit still no matter how hard I tried, and
the music playing was more sensually suggestive than anything I'd ever heard.
By rights I should have been in pain, but pain would have been too distracting
so I felt nothing like that. Only desire and need, desire and need, over and
over and only just short of whispering in my ear. I swallowed hard as I fought
to hold it down, then grunted when Kel-Ten reached over to tug at my ear.

"You look like you could use a little dessert," he remarked, the laughter
heavy behind his voice. "Why don't you come over and sit in Kel-Ten's lap, and
tell him what you'd like in the way of dessert?"

"Id like to see you drop dead for dessert," I whispered, keeping my eyes away
from him. "Could you arrange that, please?"

"See, I knew a little food would put you back in better spirits," he said,
this time laughing out loud. "You're going to have to say please, you know, so
why don't you say it now and get it over with? If you don't, you'll find
yourself sitting and watching me do it to somebody else. Do you think you'll
be able to stand that, watching me take another woman in my arms, kissing her
as I put her to her back, entering her . . . "

"Stop," I moaned, closing my eyes in a useless effort to block out the picture
he was deliberately painting for me, my hands clamped tight to the arms of the
chair. "Stop that, Kel-Ten, it isn't fair! You don't know what you're doing to
me!"

"Of course I know," he said with a chuckle, and then his fingers were stroking
the back of my hand closest to him. "I'm teaching you that if you want what
you need, you have to be a good little girl and ask me the way I prefer being
asked. Even if I did pick you out of the rest of the herd, my services aren't
automatically yours for the wanting. And you'd better understand that if you
pass on it now, your next earliest opportunity will be very late this
afternoon. Do you have any idea what you'll be feeling like by then?"

The shivering darting through me from the mere touch of his fingers to my
hand, told me exactly what I'd be feeling like by late afternoon. I'd be ready
to crawl to him and kiss his feet and beg for his favors, mindless from the
terrible, burning need consuming me. Waiting would only make everything that
much worse, as though it weren't already bad enough. Bad. Again. Just like
everything I touched that also touched me.

"Please, Kel-Ten," I whispered, my eyes still closed and my hands wrapped
tight around what they held to. "You want me to say please, so I am saying it.
Please take me somewhere and make this stop."

"Why, that was very nicely said, sweet thing," he answered, and I could see
his grin even without seeing it. "I think you're learning to appreciate
Kel-Ten. Well, you did what I asked you to do, so you'll get what you asked
for. As soon as I finish one more cup of kimla. "

I just sat there in the chair after that, hearing the music and the sound of
voices all around, seeing nothing in the darkness behind my eyelids. I felt no
surprise that he was making me wait even longer after I'd done as he'd
demanded, it was something some part of me had apparently been expecting. I
couldn't sit still in the chair or let go of the chair arms, couldn't breathe
normally or stop feeling what was rapidly overcoming the ban against pain, but
the one thing I didn't feel was surprise. And all I could do about it was sit
there and wait.

It takes forever for a cup of kimla to cool enough for you to drink it, two
forevers for you to be led by the hand through a room full of people, some of
whom start conversations with the one leading you. The trip from a dining
room, up a lift, and over to an apartment is five forevers in duration, but
walking through that apartment to the bedroom is only three forevers long. I
made the last part of the journey carried in Kel-Ten's arms, and when he put
me down on the bed he was breathing almost as hard as I was, but not from
exertion.

"I don't know what it is about you," he panted, already thrusting the shirt up
to my armpits as I lay on my back in the middle of the bed. "I can have any
woman in this complex and have had most of them, but ever since I first saw
you you've become the one I most want to do it to. Say please again, and tell
me you want it."

"Please, Kel-Ten, please, please, please," I moaned, wrapping my arms around
his neck and trying to pull him to me. I barely knew what I was saying or
doing, and when I pressed my lips hungrily to his, he forgot about everything
but what wed come there for.

It was quite some time before it was over, quite some time before our minds
could think again rather than simply feel. I lay curled up on the wrinkled bed
that had been neatly made up when wed gotten there, trying to memorize the
sensation of bodily satisfaction. Without knowing how long it was going to
last, I didn't want to chance taking it for granted and then finding it gone
before it could be appreciated. Kel-Ten stirred where he lay beside me, and
then he lifted a strand of my hair.

"I think you just had a harder workout than I had in exercise class, sweet
thing," he drawled, heavy satisfaction in the words. "I'll have to send you
off to your own exercise class in a few days or they'll start to scream, but
for now you'll make do with being ridden. You can't deny you enjoyed the ride,
but I'm not enjoying all that sweat it left you covered with. Looks like it's
time you got a bath. "

The thought of a bath should have made me feel considerably better, but as I
was forced to sit up and follow Kel-Ten by the strand of hair he still held,
all I felt was that useless anger rising again. The man wanted his pet bathed
so his pet would be bathed, and no one in that entire complex would stop to
wonder what the pet wanted. I kept getting the idea I'd been through something
like that before, that what I wanted hadn't even been considered by the people
around me. The hatred and bitterness and frustration were all so familiar, as
though I'd lived with them for quite a long time, and Kel-Ten seemed to suit
it all especially well. Big and blond and blue-eyed felt terribly right, a
figure that brought pain, a sight to stir that hatred and bitterness and
frustration. I'd felt odd the first time I'd looked at him, but now I was
beginning to know what the oddness had meant.

I was taken to the overdone gold bathroom, made to stand quietly while my bath
was dialed, then was ordered into the water. Kel-Ten sat himself in the
dry-chair with an "Ahh" of appreciation for the cooler air, but his grinning
stare never left me. He knew I hated what was being done to me, and that
seemed to make it all the better for him. The water was perfumed again, and
when I leaned back into the headrest to let my hair be washed, so was the
shampoo. I wasted no time soaking and trying to enjoy something absolutely
devoid of enjoyment, and when I stepped out to wrap the towel around me,
KelTen gestured me to him.
"Now you can come over here and let Kel-Ten enjoy how clean you are," he said,
patting his still-naked lap. "You'll be needing him again later, and if you
aren't a good little sweet thing you won't be getting him as fast as you did
this time."

As fast as I did that time. It was all I could do to keep my lip from curling
as I walked over to him, and his grin said he knew what I was prudently
refraining from showing or commenting on. He pulled me onto his lap and
settled me the way he had the first time, and then his arms were around me as
he sniffed appreciatively.

"Wildflowers," he said with a good deal of enjoyment. "I love the smell of
wildflowers." He moved his face to the side of my neck, as though getting
closer to enjoy the perfume more, but instead said very softly, "Why did they
give you that heavy a shot? Did they tell you anything more than they told me?
Try to conceal the movement of your lips when you answer me."

"They said it was because of the way I acted with Ank-Soh," I answered after
pretending I was burying my face his chest, partially startled by having
forgotten that that chair was where we supposedly could speak freely. "They
knew he hadn't minded, but they didn't feel the same way about it. If I make
sure I don't refuse to be touched again, they'll be gracious and not do that
to me again. But why are we hiding the movement of our lips? I thought it was
safe to talk here."

"Soundwise, I'm sure it is safe," he replied, moving his face around in my
headrest-dried hair. "If they knew what we were discussing last night you'd be
back in low having your personality Xed out, and 1 d be-having problems of my
own. Since I don't know whether we're being watched as well as listened to, I
decided not to give them any more distorted conversations to wonder about.
Everything is going much too well for me to chance ruining it now."

I let my face rest against his chest just in case he was right about our being
watched, but this time said nothing because there was nothing I cared to say.
He picked up on my silence faster than I'd expected him to do, and his right
hand reached across to move the towel off my left shoulder.

"It may not seem like it to you, but things are going unbelievably well," he
murmured, rubbing the top of my arm gently with his palm. "Not only did they
give you to me without any of the argument I was expecting, they made it even
better by coming up with a reason for me to keep you longer than I thought I
could. I've decided not to waste any part of the opportunity, so tomorrow
morning I'm going to awaken you."

"Tomorrow morning," I breathed, feeling a jolt of excitement coursing through
me, almost forgetting to bury the words against him. "But why not today, right
now, this very minute?"

"Not before you've visited my afternoon training classes, he demurred, his
hand sliding down my back under the towel. "I have to get everyone used to
seeing you, and knowing they can't reach through to you. You'll have to make
sure you stand well back out of everyone's range, as though you're afraid
they'll hurt you, and that way no one will be able to tell you're awake when
you are awake. While you're pretending to be frightened you'll be paying very
close attention to the exercises and instructions, getting yourself taught
without my having to take the chance of doing it. Afterward I'll help you
practice, and I'd like to see them detect that. "

I only just kept myself from making a sound of amusement, knowing as well as
he that no one had equipment capable of detecting the use of emotions. Our
escape was about to start, would be starting the very next day, and after that
it would only be a matter of- A matter of allowing myself to be-to be- The
elation drained out of me as I became very aware of the hand moving on my
body, a hand that touched me as though I belonged to its owner. And I would
belong to its owner, more completely than I'd ever belonged to anyone, and he
knew that, and had begun heating me up again to prove it . . . .

"Don't worry, sweet thing, by the time it happens you won't even notice," he
murmured, obviously knowing where my thoughts had gone. "In a little while
you'll understand that it'll be my baby in your pretty belly, and you'll be as
hot at the idea as I am. I want to do you, girl, more than I ever wanted to do
any other female, and I mean to see you wanting it just as much. Use that
squirming to shift around to face me, and then give your Kel-Ten a big kiss.
If they're watching, we're about to give them something interesting to look
at."

He held my towel while I did as he'd told me to, miserable but having no
choice about listening to him. I could almost hear the bubbling in my blood
starting up again, and had no illusions about what it would be like for me if
I tried refusing. He let the towel fall on his knees behind me as I raised my
face to him, and once our lips met his hand made sure we met in another way as
well. I moaned deep in my throat and hated myself for it, feeling that it was
somehow my fault I couldn't stop what that drug was making me do and feel. It
had me so tight that when Kel-Ten didn't shift closer to me, I whimpered and
went to him. He chuckled and used his thumb to encourage me in my efforts even
more, but just before I lost myself to wildness I was able to whisper deep
inside, "Tomorrow morning . . . tomorrow morning . . . tomorrow morning . . .
"



Chapter 7

But tomorrow morning was still a long way off. When Kel-Ten was through with
me he laughingly ordered me to the thick, soft carpeting on the floor, belly
down while he showered off the sweat of his most recent exertions. He left me
there while he went to throw our clothing into the wall cleaner in the
bedroom, already having refused me another bath even before I'd asked. He
seemed to be trying to get me used to the idea of having his spending inside
me with no opportunity to rid myself of it, the way it would be when my
protection finally wore off. I spent my time on the floor trying to pull
handfuls of silky carpeting loose, my thoughts too black even for me to dwell
on.

Once we were back into our newly-cleaned clothing, we left the apartment
again. For some reason the sight of all that gold was beginning to bother me
even more than it had when I'd first seen it, as though I'd once seen
something similar and hadn't enjoyed the occasion. Rather than wasting time
trying to pin down memories made purposely and permanently elusive, I simply
accepted the annoyance and dislike I felt and followed Kel-Ten back down to
the area where his classes were to be held. Paying attention to something
important would rid me of useless, extraneous feelings like the ones clashing
around inside me, and the classes were definitely categorized as important.

The first one we went to was a large room with about thirty men, and once I'd
been fussed over by some of them Kel-Ten was able to put me into a far corner
with no one bothering any more about me. The room, I saw, had no windows, and
from the flat sounds of voices and such in my ears I decided it was probably
shielded in some way. The floor I sat down on had thick white lines painted on
it, with numbers on the walls. apparently corresponding to the lines. When a
man wearing a black uniform came into the room and closed the door behind him,
the Primes who had been milling around joking with one another began moving to
different places on various parts of the lines.

Once everyone was arranged in the way they were apparently supposed to be, the
man in black stood himself on a short line in front of the room. Rather than
being all the way in front himself, Kel-Ten stood on a line farther away from
the front than anyone else, and the man in black looked at him and smiled.

"Good afternoon yourself, Prime Kel-Ten," he said, nodding with what seemed to
be satisfaction. "Were any of you in the first line able to feel that
greeting? No, of course you weren't, because despite the strength of the
projection, Prime Kel-Ten was using a tight beam to me alone. Your own
strength will develop as you go along, but precise control is something you
have to practice. This is the place you'll be practicing it, and at
increasingly greater distances. Once you're able to reach me from the same
line Prime Kel-Ten is standing on, you'll know you're ready to challenge him.
I would not advise trying it before that."

A ripple of laughter went through the room, and those in the first line
stirred in what seemed to be discomfort. I had the impression they were new to
the class on control, and the man in black's joke had somehow been at their
expense. For a while the class went silent as the man in black looked at each
Prime in turn, nodded as though he were getting something from him, then went
on to the next. After the last of them was done and nodded to, the man in
black looked around again.

"Now everyone will take the same place one line back and try the greeting
again," he said, giving most of his attention to the front line. "As you can
see from the wall the distance between each line is two feet, and those are
the increments of extra distance you'll be trying for. We start newcomers off
at a distance short of the twenty to twenty-five feet you're already capable
of covering, and then you work your way up to more and more distance. Please
don't forget that control is the important part here, so when you can reach me
from thirty feet away, you won't really be reaching me until you can reach
only me. If the man standing next to you or in front of you feels it too, your
control isn't what it should be."

He nodded to the members of his class then, a gesture which sent them back the
one line he'd asked for, and then everyone went silent again. I noticed that
Kel-Ten also stepped back one line even though no one was close enough to
crowd him, and out of curiosity looked at the number on the wall of his new
line. The numbers were large and bright, a glowing yellow easily read against
the dark brown paneling of the wall, and I had to be very careful to keep all
expression off my face. The First Prime of that complex, the man everyone was
so in awe of or proud of, stood on the line with a 47 beside it, meaning the
new range he was trying for was forty-seven feet. Forty-seven whole feet.

I stirred where I sat on the floor in the back corner of the room, momentarily
enjoying feelings of ridicule and superiority, but then common sense came
along to bat me between the eyes. Kel-Ten had decided to turn me back on the
very next morning, but what would happen when he did? I already knew I
couldn't try pressing for memory of what I could do, but wasn't there
something that would show him the difference between our minds? Everything I'd
seen and heard about so far had struck me as no more than baby tricks, which
logically meant I was capable of doing a good deal better. What would happen
when Kel-Ten found out about it? Would he be delighted and decide to move up
the date for our escape attempt, or would he feel so threatened and jealous
that he would quickly try turning me off again? If he decided against using me
to help, could I stop him from making me helpless again? What in hell was I
going to do?

I spent the rest of that class time fretting and trying to consider the
problem unemotionally, but didn't have as much of an opportunity as I'd
thought I would. It wasn't very long before the man in black told them that
was it for the day, and I looked up to see a group of very wilted men heading
for the door out of the room. Kel-Ten was coming to me instead of leaving, and
although there was still a lot of spring in his step I could see the sweat on
his forehead when he bent to take my hand and pull me to my feet.

"Did you see that?" he asked, satisfaction in the light eyes looking down at
me. "Before very long I'll have that new mark established, and then I'll only
be eight feet away from the all-time record. You have no idea how badly I want
to break that record, sweet thing, and every day that passes brings me closer
to it. Once I have it it'll be my name on the golden plaque, me everyone else
has to measure up to. There'll be a celebration the likes of which hasn't been
seen in this place in years, and you'll be there to share it with me. I have
to admit I've been letting it slide lately, but now that I'm back to it I'll
be trying harder than ever."

He put his arm around me and began leading me out of the room, and I almost
gave in to the urge to bite my lip. Was he serious about how much he wanted to
break that record, or was he simply announcing to our unseen listeners another
reason why they'd be stupid to take me away from him? I didn't know which the
truth was and would have immediately started worrying about it, but a question
had occurred to me that he should be able to answer.

"Kel-Ten, who set the record you're trying to break?" I asked, turning my head
to look up at him as we walked. "And for that matter, what became of the Prime
you won first place from? Was he knocked down to one of the two second places?
How many times has he tried getting first place back?"

"Yes, sir, that celebration will really be something," he said, his grin
widening as he shook his head just a little. "All classes will be canceled for
the entire day, everybody will dress up in the best they have, and no one will
do anything but party. I'd better stop thinking about it, or I'll be useless
in my next class."

He laughed lightly and squeezed me gently with the arm he had around me, and
then fell silent for the rest of our walk up the corridor. For my own part I
wanted to shiver violently, because I'd been watching his face when I'd asked
my questions. He'd started out listening, I knew he had, but once my first
question was out his face had gone slack until I'd finished. Once I was done
he'd come alive again and had talked about the celebration, just as though I
hadn't said a word! He wasn't ignoring me, he'd been-programmed-against
hearing or thinking about anything like that! What happened to the First Prime
once he was bested was a taboo subject, most probably right along with what
happened to every Prime once they'd reached their limit. And I'd been jealous
of the men in that place for being free of the conditioning the women were
subjected to!

Wondering about what they did with Primes who had reached their full
development occupied me until we got into the next room, and then I gave up on
the question as a complete waste of time. There was no way of knowing what
they did with them, but it was highly unlikely the men were accorded anything
as simple as the death given to women who could no longer bear children. I was
certain that that was the fate of most women who were beyond being bred, but
the same thing wouldn't be done to men who had been put through that very
thorough training. You don't go to such lengths to train people who are slated
for nothing more than death, but what could they possibly . . .

"This next class may frighten you, but I don't want you interrupting it by
making any noise," Kel-Ten said, bringing me back to where I was supposed to
be. "Just sit in your corner like a good girl, and it'll be over before you
know it."

He patted me on the head as I sat down in a room exactly like the last one,
then he went to join the other men who were there. They weren't the same men
who had been in the previous class, and when a new instructor in black came in
they all spread out along a single, line. That let me see there were fewer of
them, at least until three Secs herded in a matching number of men dressed in
bright orange coveralls. The newcomers were somehow different from the men
already there, thinner and looking less well cared for, shambling rather than
walking normally. They were prodded into line opposite Kel-Ten and the others
with twenty feet between the two groups, and then the Sees moved back to the
now-closed door and the instructor inspected his students from where he stood
at the lefthand wall.

"All right, everyone at once," he said, sounding and looking downright bored.
"Let's start with fear."

Some of the men in orange had come in looking deathly frightened, but the next
instant it wasn't a matter of just some. I gasped back into my corner when
every one of them began screaming, some with eyes stretched wide, some with
eyes and fists squeezed closed, all of them sounding as though they'd been
pushed off a tall building or were about to be jumped on by a starving
carnivore. The instructor let it go on for about ten seconds, and then he
shouted, "Defeat!" and the screaming cut off as if someone had thrown a
switch. Half of the men in orange collapsed to the floor and one or two
covered their heads, the rest just standing where they were with rounded
shoulders and heads down low. Their attitudes said it was all over for them,
everything was all over, but that was just the emotion they were made to feel.
Everything wasn't all over, it was only just beginning.

After that the instructor had the Primes manipulate their victims one at a
time, hopelessness, doubt, bitterness, hate, and even cruelty. Every dark
emotion there was was practiced on the men in orange, but Kel-Ten had been
right when he said it wouldn't last long. Even with taking turns the Primes
were quickly too tired to go on, and in significantly less than half an hour
it was over. The men in orange were sprawled on the floor, most of them
twitching from the series of terrible emotions they'd had forced on them in
such quick succession, the Secs in charge of them coming away from the door to
stand over them. Once again the Primes heading out of the room looked wilted,
and as Kel-Ten approached me I could see he wasn't doing much better.

"Now we get to take a short break," he said, looking faintly pleased that I
was rising to my feet alone. "That one really takes it out of you, even more
than all that exercising I did this morning. We'll use the lounge just a
couple of doors away from here."

He took my hand and led the way back to the door, paying no attention to the
way the Secs were prodding at the men in orange to get them to their feet. One
of the men was crying openly, sobbing out the pain of what he had just been
put through, the sound of hopelessness so heavy in it that everyone listening
should have felt the emotion as claws along nerve endings. We came closest to
them as we passed through the doorway, and it was then that I became aware of
the conviction that the men weren't normals, but empaths like us. Since it
wasn't likely they were Primes, I shuddered at the sure knowledge that that
had to be what became of some of the babies who weren't-lucky-enough to be
born especially gifted.

"Just take it easy, you did fine in there," Kel-Ten said, dropping my hand in
order to put an arm around me. "We do have to have someone to practice on,
after all, and there are certain things you can't aim at an instructor and
still expect him to be able to go on instructing. That's their purpose, to be
targets for us, and it really isn't as bad for them as it looked to you. Come
on, the lounge is in here."

The new doorway off the corridor he urged me through brought us into a room
decorated in browns and tans and grays and greens, all deep calm and deep
relaxation colors being used and appreciated by the five men already in the
lounge. The couches and chairs were very soft leather and the accompanying
tables matched, and when Kel-Ten dropped onto a dark brown couch he
immediately used the arm server to order himself a drink. It carne fairly
quickly and wasn't all that large, so four swallows later he put aside the
empty glass and smiled at me where I sat beside him on the couch.

"Now I've got to rest for a while, so you might as well take it easy
yourself," he said, drawing his legs up onto the couch and folding them in
front of him. "If any of those jokers tries bothering you while I'm out of it,
just remind them how fast I'll be back-and how well-rested I'll be. I'll even
be ready to take on your usual temper again. "

He grinned as he tried chucking me under the chin, grinned wider when I moved
my head to avoid it, but he didn't pursue the matter. He looked close to being
totally drained with even the grin appearing forced, and he'd already gone as
far as he could. He turned his face from me and took three very deep, very
slow breaths, and by the end of the third he was completely under. Deep trance
through self-hypnosis, something I'd learned myself a few years earlier, but
had never thought to use to return my own strength when I needed it. I
actually spent a minute wondering why I hadn't before the disgust set in,
causing me to slump back in amazement at the unbelievable stupidity I seemed
capable of. If you know you've been conditioned, how can you wonder about the
things it never occurred to you to try?

After a couple of minutes of soaking in self-derision, I straightened on the
couch and drew my legs up to the left of me. One of the other men in the room
had been eyeing me and the way I'd been sitting, his lazy grin aimed at how
high that shirt was on my thighs. Not being particularly anxious to encourage
trouble I decided I'd better watch what I did a bit more closely, but
sometimes trouble doesn't need encouragement to find you. No more than five
minutes after Kel-Ten went under, a shadow fell across me, and there was a
white uniform standing directly in front of me. I looked up slowly, somehow
knowing who I would see even before my eyes touched him, and the Sec Adjin
looked back down at me with a faint grin on his face.

"The people in charge of you think you need a little more body fat, so they
sent me with this midafternoon snack for you," he said, gesturing with the cup
and packet he carried before crouching down closer to me. "I happen to think
you look fine just the way you are, but we'll still do it their way. Here,
take it and eat it."

He handed me the cup of meat soup and the packet of crackers, and I couldn't
seem to do anything but take them. My heart was hammering again and my hands
felt cold, my insides were turning and my mind had gone numb, all of me
overwhelmed by the fear reactions coursing through me. I didn't know what it
was about that null, but just looking at him made me want to run and hide and
never come out. His dark eyes stared directly at me, the enjoyment in them
showing he knew exactly how frightened I was, and then his right hand rose and
slid under the bottom of my shirt to touch the inner part of my right thigh. I
closed my eyes for a moment as I fought to keep a lurching whimper inside, and
then I hurried to eat the food that had been sent me.

Square food goes down in lumps no matter what its original texture and
consistency is, and the soup and crackers more than qualified. I swallowed it
all without tasting any of it, desperate to get that null away from me,
praying that finishing the snack would accomplish that end. Once again no one
knew what he was doing to me, his broad body blocking the view of whatever men
were in the room and probably doing the same for any observation or recording
devices there might be. His hand held to me as two of his fingers moved in a
teasing way, but I was too terrified to find the gesture at all arousing. I
took the empty packet and stuffed it into the emptied cup, set it down on the
couch to my left, then found that my desperate hope hadn't been in vain. The
null squeezed my thigh one last time before withdrawing his hand, and then
took the empty cup and straightened.

"And they said I might have trouble with you," the Sec commented with a good
deal of amusement, not minding in the least that he was talking to the top of
my head. "You won't ever give me trouble, will you, pretty girl? See you again
some time."

With that he walked away, leaving the lounge without even a single glance
back. I found I was trembling so hard I might have had the chills, and if I
hadn't been controlling myself rigidly I would have thrown up what I'd just
eaten. I put one hand to my head and leaned back against the soft leather
trying to calm down, trying to understand why I felt like that when that one
Sec was near me. He was far from being the only null in the place, so why did
I go into a panic only when he was anywhere near me? What could my reaction
possibly mean?

Thinking about it got me absolutely nowhere, and all that came out of the time
was a reconfirmation of my decision not to tell what he was doing. No one in
that facility cared enough about me to stop him from doing just as he pleased,
at least not on a permanent basis, so what was the point in saying anything?
There wasn't anyone anywhere who really cared about me, something Id
understood and accepted a long time ago, so getting used to that new situation
wouldn't be all that hard. It really added very little to the hurt, but the
cold was something else again.

It wasn't more than another few minutes before Kel-Ten's breathing rate
changed again, showing he was coming out of it. When he did he stretched hard
and called up another drink, downed it as fast as he had the first, then
pulled me off the couch and out of the lounge. He was all recovered and ready
to go back to it again, and I had just enough time to wonder what was in those
drinks he'd had. Iii thought at first that they might be alcoholic, but they
seemed, instead, to be bracers of another sort. I could just remember that
alcohol ruined control and concentration more than almost anything, which
meant they were giving him something else. If there was one thing they didn't
want, it was having their star Prime lose his control and ability to
concentrate.

His next class was already assembled and waiting for him, and this time it was
a matter of delicate handling rather than gross manipulation. The Primes had a
different group of men in orange coveralls to work on, and what they did was
have a victim walk from one side of the room to the other, each Prime deciding
when he would cause his target to trip, or fall, or forget where he was going,
or suddenly become unsure of himself, or any one of another half dozen things.
Some of the targets were set to putting something simple together, like a
child's building toy, and the object then was to keep them from doing it
right. The Primes were scored on the unnoticeability of what they did, the
largest number of points being given to Kel-Ten when he caused his target to
put a piece in wrong but fail to notice the error. The target was confused
when his building collapsed, not knowing why it had happened, but the other
Primes cheered and the black-uniformed instructor grinned and offered his
congratulations.

Again the class didn't last very long, but this time we didn't go anywhere
when it was over. Kel-Ten sat crosslegged next to me in my corner and closed
his eyes, this time in a light trance rather than a deep one, waiting only
until the room was cleared of its previous occupants and the new ones had
arrived. The newcomers turned out to be an instructor and five strange Primes,
and when the men were standing along one of the lines and the man in black was
to the far side of them, Kel-Ten opened his eyes and got to his feet. He
strolled more than walked to the short line previously used by an instructor
and stood himself on it facing the five men, and then he smiled at them.
Although their backs were to me I had the impression they weren't returning
his smile, and when the instructor told them all to get ready they seemed to
stiffen. Kel-Ten, twenty feet away from their line, was the only one who
didn't.

"Number one, please begin," the instructor said, and the man at the extreme
right stirred when Kel-Ten's eyes went to him. They stared at each other in
silence for a while, the seconds ticking heavily by, and then the man with his
back to me grunted and staggered backward from the line he'd been standing on.
It was almost as though he'd been pushed away, and I looked over to see that
Kel-Ten's smile had returned.

"Not bad, sir, not bad," the instructor said to the man who wasn't returning
to the line, true satisfaction in his voice. "Your strength is improving quite
a bit from what it was, and this time you were able to hold your ground for
eight seconds. You other gentlemen will take your marks from that, and please
note that the Prime is remaining back from the line now that he's been forced
away from it. Number two, if you please."

Kel-Ten looked at the man who had been second from the right, and again his
stare was returned. This time, however, there was less of a wait before the
man stumbled back, and then it was the third man's turn. Seconds for him and
seconds for the last two, and then none of them remained on the line they'd
started from. Kel-Ten was sweating hard and looking drained again, but his
smile was one of triumph as he stood proudly on the same spot he'd started
from.

"For four of you gentlemen, that was your initial experience against the
strength of the First Prime, Kel-Ten," the instructor said to the men who were
standing where they'd been forced to, most of them also looking drained. "This
exercise lets you compare your own strength to his, and tells you how far
you've yet to go before you can consider challenging him. I'm sure each of you
noticed that the distance was minimum rather than maximum, which is another
point for you to consider. When you think you've made significant progress
you'll ask to come back here, and then, like the fifth of your number, you'll
find out whether or not you have. This is a practice rather than a challenge
situation, something you'll find out more about as your growth continues.
That's it for now, gentlemen, and I hope to see you all again quite soon."

His dismissal of them was polite but cuttingly casual, especially when he
turned his back on them to go to Kel-Ten, and began pouring out
congratulations and praise. The five men were silent as they filed slowly out
of the room, but their sullen anger and jealousy and airs of vindictiveness
were so strong I could almost feel them where I sat. Kel-Ten was being used as
an object of hatred to goad the others on to try for his level of ability and
position, but I doubted that he realized that. He must have thought they were
simply after the golden prize, the thing his masters wanted him to believe.

The First Prime was stroked hard and long for his excellent performance, and
then the man in black left the room. I was already on my feet and waiting by
then, not exactly patiently, which Kel-Ten noticed with a grin when he finally
called me over to him.

"I know you couldn't appreciate that, but you can take my word for the fact
that I was great," he said, putting an arm around me. "Doesn't it give you a
thrill to have been chosen by the best man here?"

"I'm absolutely overcome with awe and gratitude," I said with a yawn, ignoring
the rough arm around my shoulders. "What heart-stopping excitement do we go to
from here?

"From here we go back to my apartment so I can shower and rest up for dinner,"
he answered with a laugh, squeezing me a little before heading us out of the
room. "You have to be on the receiving end of that before you learn what tired
really is, so don't be surprised when you don't immediately find me all over
you. I'll need a short nap before I can do a proper job of assault."

"I'm glad you told me," I answered, still pretending to be extremely bored.
"If you hadn't, I might have begun worrying that I was losing my attraction
for you. If that ever happened, I don't know how I'd console myself. "

"Oh, right," he agreed with even more of a laugh, heading us directly down the
center of the corridor and making everyone else walk around us. "I can just
see you crying yourself to sleep-which I just may decide to see that you do
anyway."

He was still chuckling when we reached the bank of lifts, but then he was
distracted by a knot of men standing in the area laughing and talking
together. He seemed to know what was going on, and when we moved closer to
them I got my own idea. Ank-Soh was standing in the middle of the knot being
congratulated, and when he saw us approaching he left his admirers to come
over to us.

"He didn't have a chance, Kel-Ten," he announced with a grin, confirming my
guess. "Another challenger met and bested, one who seemed to have overlooked
the fact that I'm also growing and improving. What's your range these days?"

"I'm reaching for forty-seven, Ank-Soh," my companion answered, the blandness
in his voice worse than smugness would have been. "And you?"

"My win was at forty-two," the other man answered, a faint smile accompanying
his own blandness. "A couple of days ago, I began reaching a little higher
than that. Everyone says my growth has really improved over the last few
weeks, more than they would have expected. And how are you, sweet thing? Have
you been enjoying yourself spending the day with the First Prime?"

"It's been an unforgettable occasion," I muttered, stiffening as his hand went
into my shirt the way it had that morning-but making no attempt to back away.
He grinned down at me as his fingers and palm enjoyed my flesh, and then his
eyes moved to the man standing to my left.

"Congratulations, Kel-Ten, you've made quite a bit of progress with her since
this morning," he said, stroking the pet while he spoke to her master. "I look
forward to the time you're too busy to give her the attention she needs. I'll
check with you again tomorrow."

He took his hand back without looking at me again, bowed sardonically to
Kel-Ten, then ambled away to return to his friends. Kel-Ten dialed open a lift
door, pulled me inside with him, and fumed silently only until the doors
closed us in.

"That son of Ejects!" he snarled then, his good humor entirely vanished. "He
still thinks he has a chance of besting me! And wouldn't they love seeing
that, one of their hot-house Primes besting the wild and captured First! Those
of us raised outside of this complex and only brought in later have always
been best, but Ank-Soh is more interested in advancing than in being pampered.
Damn him and his ambition!"

He lapsed into silence after that, a dark roiling silence that took us all the
way back to his apartment. I didn't have to be told he was in no mood for
swapping clever conversation, but keeping quiet didn't keep me from getting
singed on the edges of the flames. The fingers around my arm had grown painful
by the time we reached the golden bathroom, and being thrown to the carpeting
in the middle of the floor was almost a relief.

"Stay right there until I tell you to get up again," my owner growled as he
kept moving past me, pulling his shirt off over his head as he went. "Belly
down and cheek to the carpeting, and don't let me hear a word out of you."

The only thing I would have said to him wouldn't have done any good for me
with anyone listening, so it was just as well that I'd been told to continue
with my prudent silence. I turned my head from him and put my cheek to the
carpeting in accordance with the rest of my orders, then closed my eyes and
fought to gain control of my body. Ank-Soh's touching me had started the
burning again, not as badly as it had been earlier but bad enough, and I
didn't want to feel that way. If I couldn't get it under control I'd have to
beg Kel-Ten for relief a second time, and I especially didn't want to do that.
His mood would make it more than simply unpleasant for me, that I knew beyond
doubt, and my backing down in front of Ank-Soh had been humiliating enough.

As it turned out, I didn't have to worry about begging Kel-Ten. He moved
around very briefly before the sound of water came, took his shower fast, then
strode out of the room. I waited for him to come back and tell me I could get
up, fighting all the while with the need that insisted on rising, and finally
it came through to me that he wasn't coming back. He had walked out without
paying the least attention to me, possibly even without seeing me, and had
gone to take his nap. He must have known I'd have a problem after Ank-Soh's
little gesture, but since he wasn't up to doing anything about it he'd just
gone ahead and ignored it. It was easy to see how really concerned he was
about me, just like everyone else.

I suppose it would have helped if I could have fallen asleep, but my body saw
to it that I wasn't able to sleep. Kel-Ten napped for hours and I experienced
every minute of the time wide awake, my mind uninterested in thinking, nothing
but sensations and emotions occupying it. It was a painful, endless time, but
one that somehow seemed very familiar, almost as though Id gone through the
same thing before. Being too alone in an unendurable situation, afraid to let
yourself think about what was being done to you, knowing that if you started
to think the tears would come, marking the end of all your attempts to be
brave. I wanted to give up but I couldn't afford to, not when giving up would
mean much more than simply losing. There are things worse than death, living
being one of them, or more properly being forced to live on under certain
conditions. I rubbed my cheek against the carpeting, wondering why I kept
thinking of it as fur, wondering why my mind took hope from that-then rejected
the hope completely. Why did I have to be haunted by supposedly buried
memories. . . ?

"Well, now, will you look at what a good girl she is?" a blurry voice said
suddenly from behind me, lazy amusement in it. "Put her to her belly and tell
her to stay that way, and that's exactly what she does. I wonder if she did it
because she's hoping for a reward. Did you want Kel-Ten to reward you, sweet
thing?"

If my eyes hadn't already been closed I would have closed them, not far from
wishing the man had stayed asleep no matter how I felt. I didn't even want to
look at him, not to mention talk to him, but he had recovered too much of his
good mood to let my obvious reluctance bother him. He came over and crouched
beside me, used two fingers to get a more direct answer to his question than
words, then closed a fist in my hair and pulled me to my feet.

"I really enjoyed that ride you took this morning, so much so that I think
I'll let you do it again," he said, grinning down at me as he guided me toward
the drychair by the hair. "After this, though, we're going to find another
chair. It's handy doing it in the bathroom if you want to shower afterward,
but otherwise the surroundings don't do much to encourage my mood."

He chuckled at his cleverness as he seated himself and pulled me into his lap
facing him, and then he proved how restorative sleep can be for some people.
It was exactly what I needed and I groaned as I inched closer to him, but his
casual comment had disturbed me enough to keep the pleasure from being
overwhelming. He had said we would probably not be using the dry-seat again,
meaning we would not be speaking privately again, but I didn't know why until
he put his arms around me and began kissing my shoulder and face.

"I've decided our talking like this is too much of a risk," he whispered,
letting me do most of the work while he simply enjoyed himself. "We'll end it
now, before I awaken you, giving them less to be suspicious about. But we had
to have this last time because I've been thinking about tomorrow. Being
awakened will jar you a little, but you have to get used to the feeling
because it will be happening on and off during the entire day."

"What are your talking about?" I whispered back, my lips very close to his
bent head. "Why will it be necessary to do it more than once?"

"I can't keep you permanently awake the way I thought I could," he answered in
a murmur, beginning to move just a little under me. "We're liable to run into
Ank-Soh at any time, with at least one meeting already guaranteed, and he'll
know at once if you're awake. I'll have to turn you on before every class and
then turn you off again, then on again here in the apartment so you can
practice. If for some reason it doesn't work, I'll have to think of something
else."

"But why can't I shield?" I asked with difficulty, almost completely lost to
what he was doing to me-and what I was doing to him. I knew the conversation
we were having was important, but my body considered other things even more
important. If I'd had the attention to spare I would have cursed that
injection, but I was much too far beyond the ability to curse.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he came back, nearly forgetting to keep on
enjoying himself. "What sort of shield are you talking about?"

"I don't know, but I think I'll know when I'm awake," I said mostly in a moan,
kissing at him in between the words. "No one will know my mind is active . . .
I don't think they'll know . . . Let's wait and see, Kel-Ten, and do something
else now rather than talk. Please move a little more, and harder, Kel-Ten,
please harder. "

I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his, but it seemed like a
very long time before he began to respond the way he usually did. If I hadn't
been so far gone I would have known he was thinking about something, but I
didn't understand that until we had finished up and he had left me to rinse
himself off under the shower. By then it was too late to discuss whatever had
been bothering him, but not too late to worry about it. I didn't know myself
what I had meant by a shield, the thought had just come without my looking for
it, but if it made him change his mind about awakening me I'd bite my tongue
out. I ran a weary hand through my hair as I sat on the floor waiting for
Kel-Ten, trying to tell myself it wasn't yet time to be depressed. If the next
day came without my being awakened, that would be the time to start thinking
actively about suicide.

Dressing for dinner was more of a distraction than Id expected it to be, since
Kel-Ten wasn't the only one who had something to dress up in. He must have
told someone what he wanted at some time during the day when I wasn't around;
when he slid a mirrored door aside at the end of the wall, it was all there
and waiting for him. More than half a dozen different creations hung on a rack
behind the door, for the most part flimsy things that fluttered in the breeze
generated by the door being opened, all of them one shade or another of gold.
Kel-Ten inspected them for a moment before choosing one, carried it over to
me, then helped me put it on. I'd been expecting to be pleased when I no
longer had to wear that shirt, but the new outfit was not what might be called
an improvement. The wide jeweled collar had a broad strip of gold material
attached front and back, and although the material was solid rather than
see-through and came down to my ankles, that's all there was to it. No belt,
no ties, and nothing at all under it aside from me. When Kel-Ten took my hand
and began to stride out of the apartment the back panel billowed out like a
cape, something he found a good deal more amusing than I did.

Dinner was a glittering affair with everyone in one sort of finery or another,
but I couldn't help noticing that the men were dressed to please themselves
while the women were dressed to please the men. I decided to ignore it all and
concentrate on eating, but the table chef didn't deliver the sort of plain
meal I was expecting-and hoping for. Plain food is much better when you're in
the mood to brood rather than enjoy yourself, but what I got was sauteed
valmin and creamed sinrows mixed with unsalted nuts, tessin soup and dreff
salad, baked gimels and glazed finfaws. Again there was just enough of each,
something I could tell simply by looking at the portions, and behind the rest
of it was a very involved, very high-calorie dessert. That in itself would
have been enough to depress me, but the whole thing together was simply too
much. I didn't know if I was being rewarded for proper behavior or simply
fattened up for the eventual kill, but it made no difference. I ate no more
than half of the food and none of the dessert, also refusing the glass of wine
Kel-Ten said I could have. He threatened me half-heartedly when he saw the
food left over, saying something about how unhappy everyone would be with me,
but he was too distracted to pursue the matter. His mind was very clearly on
other things, which meant mine was, too.

After the leisurely dinner was over we joined a number of other people in the
"open" section of the floor, standing or sitting around with rain pouring down
outside while the men discussed the best ways of achieving this or that
desired effect when practicing on a target. Kel-Ten's advice was asked more
often than anyone else's, which meant he had no trouble letting the discussion
distract him. I, on the other hand, was not quite as fortunate, and watching
the rain batter mindlessly against the windows all around did nothing to raise
my spirits. Again I felt as though the situation was familiar, that I'd
watched the pouring rain once before as I waited for something important to
happen, something that wasn't guaranteed to go well. Kel-Ten let his hands
move over me beneath the cloth as he spoke to the others, but that, too, was
becoming easier and easier to ignore. All I could think about was the next
day, and because of that regretted the little I'd eaten.

The discussion was interrupted after a while by the same sort of gentle
chiming I'd heard that morning, and the wonderfully free and fearsomely
powerful Primes immediately broke off what they were saying and began heading
for the lifts. They still talked to one another as they moved, just as they'd
been talking all along, but they obeyed the chime without the least argument
or sense of rebellion. It seemed obvious they were being sent to beddy-bye
like the good little children they were, but not a single one of them realized
that. The men were too conditioned to notice, and the women were too intent on
the men for it to penetrate the fog. I wondered briefly what they would do if
someone was able to make all of them understand what was happening, but then
the lift doors opened and I let the pleasant get-even wish simply slip away.

We shared the lift part of the way up with others, but when we reached
Kel-Ten's floor we were all alone. The First Prime didn't only stand above
everyone else he also lived above them, a fact my companion got a lot of
pleasure from. There was no trace of his introspection left as he pulled me
out of the lift and along the corridor to his apartment, my dinner costume
flying out behind me again, and he even chuckled as he watched.

"There are a lot of men in this building who are going to have an easier job
of it tonight because of you," he said, taking my left hand as well to keep it
from capturing the flying cloth. "The front section of that thing teases you
about what's under it, the back of it lets you see only enough to tease even
more, and all that soft, bare skin to either side makes you lick your lips.
The ones with rings to cover will be seeing you instead of the rings, just the
way I'll be doing, but the difference is once tomorrow comes it will be you
under me. It's too bad it can't be tonight."

"You've got another date?" I asked, finding the news more than heartening as I
followed him into the apartment. "What a terrible, awful, horrible, crying
shame. Will you be gone all night, I hope?"

"I won't be gone any of the night," he answered with a laugh, seemingly glad I
was back to starting up with him. "The girls I'll be covering will be brought
to me here, and we'll be using the bedroom. You'll come in to sleep there
after they've gone so I can get to you in the morning, but until then we've
got to find some place to put you. I'd enjoy having you around to watch me
perform, but after a day like today I won't be up to any more than those
three-which means you won't be able to get in line. If I want you to
sleep-which I do-I have to put you somewhere until I'm through."

"If you're asking whether I'd prefer this visitors' room or the kitchen, I
have to tell you that's not much of a choice," I said, looking around the
giant room wed stopped in without much enthusiasm. "There isn't anything to do
in either place, but I suppose in here I can curl up on a couch until your
admirers leave. I am a little tired, so . . ." '

"So we don't want you bothered by all that traffic going in and out," he
finished for me, suddenly back to showing a very wide grin. "We need a place
where you won't be disturbed while you spend your time missing me, waiting
breathlessly until you can return to my side. I have a feeling you will end up
hoping it isn't all night."

"Kel-Ten, what are you going to do?" I demanded as he took my hand again,
already beyond suspicion. I knew he was going to do something I'd hate, and I
wasn't wrong. Rather than answer me he simply led the way to the golden
bathroom, stopped in the middle of the room, then pointed to the floor.

"Belly down with the front panel smooth underneath you," he ordered, his blue
eyes gleaming from all the fun he was having. He knew I had no choice but to
do as I was told, and he was absolutely correct-no matter how I detested that
position. I refrained from muttering under my breath as I got into it, but
then he crouched down beside me to make it even worse. His hands took the back
panel and folded it neatly upward until it reached my waist, then he left the
roll of material there as he straightened again.

"Now anyone coming in here to make use of the facilities will have a pretty,
round bottom to look at while they do," he said, the laughter in his voice
showing he knew I couldn't keep myself from blushing with embarrassment. "The
girls could come in or I could-or I might even invite a few friends over
simply to see how I've decorated this room. Are you still hoping my-date-will
take all night?"

"What I'm hoping is that you suddenly find yourself impotent!" I snapped,
furious with him for doing that to me. He didn't have to tell me Id be staying
like that until his rings were gone; that went without saying, something I
wished he would do.

"Have fun while you're waiting for your first visitor," he said with a
chuckle, bending to pat my bottom before beginning to leave. "And try not to
blush so hard, I'd hate to see my carpeting singed."

The door closed behind his high good humor, cutting it off rather abruptly,
something I would have preferred seeing happen to him. Telling me to stop
blushing had only made the problem worse, just as he'd known damned well it
would. I leaned on my elbows as I looked down at the carpeting between my
arms, trying to convince myself that there wouldn't be anyone coming in to see
me like that. He'd only been trying to torture me for not appreciating him
properly, or at least for saying I didn't. I was sure he thought I really
found him absolutely irresistible, just like every other female in that place.
If that had been the only point he was dead wrong about, things might not have
been all that impossible around there.

It took a while for the extreme embarrassment I felt to fade, but I had the
while and then some. I'd been listening hard for the arrival of the women,
just to know when my actual wait would start, so I heard the faint sound of
giggling in more than one voice pass my door. The next few minutes after that
were hard, agonizing over the possibility that he would bring them in to look
at me and laugh, but enough time passed that the chance of it became more and
more remote. I really hated being put on display like that, humiliated so that
someone could enjoy my discomfort and embarrassment, but it looked like I'd
gotten away with-

"Oh, now that's what I call considerate," a voice said from behind me, a very
soft voice that I still had no trouble recognizing even as it froze me where I
lay. "Someone knew how bored I'd be, so they left me a toy of my own to play
with. I really will have to find out who it was and thank them."

People who talk about feeling terror spreading through them are ones who have
never experienced the real thing. Terror doesn't spread; it appears full-grown
in every muscle of your body, turning you to quivering liquid, turning your
mind numb and dead, turning your flesh cold and trembling. I didn't have to
look around to know it was the null Adjin who had come in, and my fingers
closed convulsively in the carpeting under my hands.
"Just between you and me, I was expecting to find a toy of my own to play
with," the null said, his voice still very soft but now much closer. "When I
saw who I'd be escorting those girls to, I knew there would be someone around
with nothing to occupy her. Since I hate seeing idleness and waste, I made
certain arrangements to be sure nothing would be wasted, especially not the
opportunity. We have this time to ourselves now, but let's just make sure the
Prime isn't disturbed while he's seeing to his duty."

By then he was so close I could hear the sound of his uniform as he moved, and
then the roll of material lying on my back was lifted away. If my throat had
been able to break through the ice closing it off I would have screamed, and
it quickly became clear that he knew it. A moment later the now-unrolled
material was in front of my face, his big hand wadding it up, and then the wad
was thrust into my mouth. He didn't want me screaming, at least not then, and
had taken steps to be sure I couldn't.

What happened after that is a memory I would love losing forever, even to
forced oblivion. There was no doubt he'd made special preparations for that
visit, ones that suited the sort of personality he was. I'd been expecting him
to take physical advantage of me and he did just that, but not in the way I'd
been anticipating. He'd brought along a pack of sharp, tiny pins, small metal
clamps, and a number of feet of thin, rough rope that felt as though it were
cutting my skin open even though it really wasn't. He began by tying my wrists
together behind me, and then I was turned to my back for the real start of his
fun. Before he began I had no true idea of just how sensitive the "sensitive"
portions of the human body are, but before he was very far into it I had
learned the lesson all too thoroughly. Clamps produce pain without leaving
marks, pin holes can't be detected easily even when you can feel the burning
agony, and thin, sharp rope discourages you from pulling against it in an
effort to escape it all. I couldn't even scream full out, let alone escape,
and that made it infinitely better for the null.

By the time he was through with me and the rope was gone I was no longer even
whimpering, the red flame of pain encircling me so completely that all I could
do was lie unmoving on the carpeting with my eyes closed. Some men enjoy
giving nothing but pain, a quiet voice in my numbed mind told me, they can't
find pleasure of their own unless they're hurting someone. This one knew that
any damage he did would be the next thing to invisible, and that I would most
likely not try proving it had happened without supporting physical evidence.
The carpeting was silky soft under my left cheek, a grotesque counterpoint to
the way the rest of me shrieked, and then I felt a finger gently stroking my
right cheek.

"I'll knock on the door on my way out with the girls," the null whispered, his
voice heavy with extreme satisfaction. "You'll stay exactly where you are
until then, and won't make a fuss either now or later. The only thing a fuss
will bring you is trouble, and I think you know that. Next time we'll probably
do something different, to make sure neither of us gets bored. We'll just have
to see."

He chuckled as he stroked my cheek again, and then he was gone as silently as
he'd come. After a moment or two I reached up and pulled the wad of cloth out
of my mouth, but aside from that didn't move. I also didn't think, which was
something of a blessing; the only thing to think about was pain, and it was
enough that I had to feel it.

I waited a short while after I heard the knock before trying to get up and
walk, finding even then that neither action was easy. I might have stayed in
the bathroom despite Kel-Ten's orders, but it had occurred to me that he would
be waiting for me and would at least be able to hold me in his arms. Right
then I needed holding very badly, more than I could ever remember having
needed it, even when I'd been very small. I made my slow, painful way into the
bedroom, knowing the effort would be worth it, forcing myself to keep going
until I reached the bed. Kel-Ten was there and would be waiting for me,
waiting to hold me and tell me everything would be all right, waiting to
stroke my hair and comfort me the way I needed to be comforted. It was very
dim in the room, almost dark, but he was there-

Sound asleep on his stomach, his arms buried under the pillow his head rested
on, his breathing deep and even and slow.

I took off the costume and crawled into the very large bed, then lay at the
very edge of it on my side in one small spot. All I really needed was that one
small spot, somewhere to stay until the pain left me. It was lucky I didn't
need anything more, because there was nothing more to be had. It was useless
for the quiet tears to trickle down my cheeks, because there was nothing more
to be had.



Chapter 8

I awoke to find that I'd been pulled against a large male body, two warm lips
kissing my face and neck. I felt confused but knew I didn't want to be kissed
and held like that, knew I just wanted to be left alone the way I'd been alone
all my life. I moved against the arms that held me as I began to struggle, but
the kissing suddenly turned into very soft words.

"Stop trying to push me away," Kel-Ten whispered, so low there was almost no
sound to his speaking. "I'm going to key you awake now, and I need a reason
for being this close."

It came to me with a heart-thumping shock that that was it, the time Iii been
waiting for, the time I'd been afraid would never come. What had happened the
night before had also come back to me, but that was less important than what
was about to happen, a good deal less important. I quickly stopped struggling
and put my arms around Kel-Ten, as though I had just realized who he was and
didn't want to get away from him, and he made a sound of satisfaction and then
spoke a word. The word registered in my mind without my ears being able to
hear it, a word I didn't know and would never have been able to repeat, but
because of it I was suddenly-

Alive.

Truly alive and whole again.

I could feel everything there was to feel in that place, the faint, distant
murmur of very many minds, some active, some not, some below and some outside,
beyond the walls of the buildings we were in. I took a very deep breath after
ages of suffocation, then finally paid attention to the man in whose arms I
lay. His mind was bright and strong, clearly active rather than latent, but I
had the distinct impression I'd seen stronger minds somewhere, in some place I
couldn't quite remember. I could also feel the growling desire in his mind, a
desire that didn't seem totally natural, and he was balancing between the
desire and a curiosity tinged with apprehension. His mind poked at mine in the
same way his tongue tickled my ear, and I could feel that he was somewhat
disappointed.

"You're not as strong as I'd hoped you'd be," he breathed, beginning to move
his hands around on my body. "All we can do is get you started on the
exercises, and try to make them do you some good. What about that shield you
mentioned yesterday?"

His saying I wasn't very strong startled me, but then I realized he was
experiencing my mind through the curtain over it, not even knowing the curtain
was there. I was able to remember about the curtain then, knowing it had
formed because of my need for it, because of my worry that Kel-Ten might be
jealous of a mind stronger than his. I was about to replace it with my shield,
when I suddenly realized I had two shields to choose from, one the small,
strong shield only I could get around, and the other the light shield Id
developed first that had so many holes in it. It came to me that an impervious
shield might attract unwanted attention of its own, and also that a shield
with holes would be handy for me to look out through. I'd had enough of being
locked away in the dark, and wanted no more of it.

"How's that?" I murmured as I kissed his face, allowing the light
bubble-shield to surround my mind. Once it was there I found that I could look
through it with just a little effort, but the startlement in Kel-Ten's mind
said he couldn't do the same.

"Absolutely perfect," he murmured back, almost distracted. "I can't reach you
at all. How do you do it?"

"I don't know," I lied in a whisper, immediately deciding that was the
smartest tack to take. "One day it just happened. No one will know?"

"Um um," he grunted, a satisfaction to the sound, and then he dropped the
dangerous discussion and began to let the desire in his mind take over. He was
going to complete what he'd begun and not only to make it look right, not only
to be sure no one grew suspicious. His body constantly tore at his mind with
need, sometimes easing up on him but never for long, never leaving him
entirely free unless he pushed himself to the absolute end and deep into
exhaustion. It was the drug that made him feel like that, the drug they'd been
feeding him so long, but although he had my pity I couldn't simply let him do
what he had to. I had been hurt too badly the night before, and there was no
longer a reason to accept what I didn't want.

I couldn't have fought him off if I'd tried, but even if I could have that
would have brought its own consequences. All actions and consequences had to
be his, whatever happened his fault rather than mine. There's a certain point
of desire we all work up to in sex, a point that must be reached before
anything more than touching and kissing can be accomplished, most especially
on the part of the male half of the effort. Kel-Ten had already reached that
point just as he always did, but that was the results of the drug working on
him, not of his own desire. I touched the man holding me with a shadow of the
urge to procrastinate, giving him a reason for continuing on as he was doing
rather than going on to other, more undesirable undertakings, and was relieved
when he followed the urge without realizing it wasn't his own. Kel-Ten hadn't
felt me in his mind, and that meant I could look at what the drug was doing to
him a little more closely.

It usually takes a while to see-or guess at-what it is that's supporting a
particular emotion, but when drugs are involved the effort is minimal. I knew
what was feeding Kel-Ten's need to use me, and only had to see just how it was
doing that. Probing into the growling roar of his thoughts was difficult and
not terribly comfortable, but the effort quickly turned out to be worth it.
There seemed to be a single point of compulsion feeding everything else, and
if that could be blocked off-
"I'm thinking about how you looked last night, sweet thing," Kel-Ten murmured
to me, his hands everywhere, his desire spreading like a flame through his
mind. "Remember what I said about everyone else wanting you, but me being the
only one who would have you? It's just about that time."

I could feel his thoughts and desires beginning to break through the urge to
put things off that I'd touched him with, but I couldn't afford to let that
happen. I felt my own urge when he stirred on the bed beside me, the urge to
panic, but if I did panic I would lose all control over my abilities and would
be helpless to stop him. Realizing that made the rising fear inside me worse
instead of better, turning my muscles weak with anticipation of what the pain
would be like-and then something odd happened. All sense of fear disappeared
under the shower of cool calm that spread quickly through my mind, and I was
able to strengthen the need to wait in Kel-Ten's mind, and then begin to
construct a block for the compulsion ruling him. It was almost as though I
simply watched while someone else did the work, and then I remembered about
having found a tool to help me control my emotions when it was really
necessary. I'd needed the tool for-something, somewhere-and now had it
available for the here and now. I couldn't remember why I'd needed it, but
that didn't mean I couldn't use it.

Setting up the block seemed strange, as though I'd never done something like
that before, but it wasn't terribly complex and didn't take very long. Kel-Ten
continued to kiss me and touch me, unaware of what was being done to him, his
mind straining unconsciously against the hold I had on it. He wanted to get on
with doing what he had to, wanted it-wanted it-then suddenly wanted it less.
The urgings of the drug were being shunted past the center of his desire by
the block, freeing him from the constant, driving need he'd been in the grip
of so long. What the mind believes it feels is what the body feels, and
Kel-Ten's mind was beginning to feel that he didn't want me after all. Too
much of anything can sour a normal human being on it, and the man who held me
had had too much for far too long. His feelings slowly retreated away from the
point where he could do anything but touch and kiss, which eventually made him
raise his head to look at me.

"I'm sorry," he said, some of the confusion and embarrassment he felt showing
in his expression. "It looks like I may have extended myself a little too far
yesterday, and now I can't-quite get into the mood. I'm afraid we're going to
have to get back to this later."

Instead of waiting to find out how I felt about that, he simply rolled away,
then got out of the bed. If I'd needed relief he could have given it to me
without being more than marginally involved, but that wasn't the way things
were done around there. If he'd gotten me hot, so much the better; by the time
he was back to being interested, it would simply be a bonus for him.

"Let's not forget what we're supposed to be doing now, sweet thing," he said
as he stretched hard, the words lazy and his attention elsewhere. "While
Kel-Ten is under the shower, where does pretty sweet thing wait for him?"

He turned back to look at me with the question, a faint grin on his face, a
satisfaction in his mind that he could give me embarrassment to partially
offset his own. I gave him the glare he was expecting before acknowledging my
helplessness by crawling to the foot of the bed and lying there the way he
wanted me to, and he laughed softly as he came over and patted me on the head.

"Now that's a good sweet thing," he said in icky-smooth tones, really enjoying
himself. "Belly down and watching the door is the way I want her. I'll be back
in just a little while."
I kept my eyes on him until he'd strolled out of the room, still pretending to
be annoyed, in reality feeling ten times the satisfaction he did. The
emotionless calm had left me as soon as I'd finished doing what needed to be
done, and the best part of it all was that Kel-Ten had no idea he was acting
to the urging of someone else. There had to be quite a lot Id be able to do
with that, but before I even thought about it there was something else of
higher priority that needed seeing to. Moving around on the bed had shown me
how much pain was left from what had been done to me the night before, which
meant it was time to work with pain control. There were decisions I would have
to make that day, and they would be hard enough without distractions.

By the time I heard Kel-Ten coming back, there was only a faint soreness from
the way I'd been savaged. I hadn't remembered until I'd started that I'd
gotten better at pain control too, and after all the ugly shocks I'd had, a
pleasant surprise was a nice change. I watched the man walk to his closet and
begin taking out things to wear, wishing I hadn't decided against "asking" him
to let me have a bath. I didn't just want a bath I needed one, but I couldn't
afford to suddenly have everything going to my advantage and comfort, even if
outwardly it seemed to be no one's decision but Kel-Ten's. The people in that
place had to be used to seeing the results of mental manipulation, and if they
were given the least reason to believe the First Prime was being twisted
around, the game would be up and my neck would be in a noose. I had no doubt
that they would be very interested in finding out about what I'd learned to
do, which meant bath time would have to be put off until it really was
Kel-Ten's idea.

After dressing in a slightly different short outfit of gold, my partner in
deception came over to the bed with something for me to wear, in point of fact
the same something I'd worn the day before. It had been cleaned by the bedroom
wall unit and was therefore fresh and ready, and Kel-Ten got a lot of
amusement out of seeing me put it on again even though I so clearly didn't
want to. Once again it was a matter of wearing the torn shirt or wearing
nothing, a choice I didn't have to be reminded of, a choice I was still
limited to even though I was awake. All I could do was follow a chuckling
Kel-Ten into his kitchen with my jaw clamped tightly shut, knowing my
expression was the reason he was chuckling.

I would have enjoyed being able to think during breakfast, trying to decide on
a time and a way to tell my partner we would not have to wait to make our
escape after all-among other things-but Kel-Ten had shifted into too good a
mood. For the first time in a very long while he wasn't being tormented by the
demands of his body, even though he didn't really understand why he felt so
good, he apparently decided to enjoy the time by tormenting someone else. The
breakfast delivered to me was different from the one of the day before in that
it was richer, showing that the eyes-in-charge still weren't pleased with my
caloric intake, and that meant to Kel-Ten that he could force some of his own
breakfast on me without worrying about being reprimanded. I made short but
nasty comments to him while he stuffed me almost to the exploding point, and
finally managed to get him to stop by saying I wasn't feeling well at all. If
he got me sick he knew they would bother him about it, but he'd had such a
good time he was still chuckling when we left the apartment.

We left the drop at the same level we had the day before, but although the
crowds of men were the same the experience was more of a first encounter, at
least for me. Even before the drop door opened I could feel their minds, every
one of them actively alive, some calm and calmly controlled, some roiling at
one level or another of agitation. As Kel-Ten and I left the drop and lift
area and entered their midst, the vast majority of them seemed to draw back
mentally even though physically they didn't move. They still stood in their
small groups, engaged in conversations, but they knew Kel-Ten was there and
they gave him what amounted to a clear mental aisle. The expression never
changed on the face of the man I walked beside, but his mind smiled with
satisfaction over the deference paid him, a deference that was his due. I
wondered how he could feel that way with all the resentment and hatred muted
behind those withdrawals, and then I spent some time wondering if he could
sense it. None of the minds were shielded, but they seemed to have learned to
do their feeling on two separate levels. The upper levels were filled with
random thoughts and properly deferential feelings, but the lower levels-

We stopped in front of the large glass board again and Kel-Ten began studying
it, giving me the opportunity to look casually around. Most if not all of the
men there seemed to know who I was-or, more to the point, what I was-and to a
small extent the First Prime had been right about their feelings. A large
number of them resented my being there, but of that number only a few were
actually "afraid" of a woman who wasn't conditioned into adoring them. The
rest were more outraged over the presence of a lesser being, feeling that
their sacred precincts were being invaded by someone who didn't and would
never belong. They were superior, and knew it without doubt because they'd
been told they were.

Of the ones who were jealous of Kel-Ten's possession of me, again only a few
were jealous because they considered me more attractive than the women they
had access to. The rest saw me as a symbol, one of the benefits of Kel-Ten's
position, a benefit they were burning to enjoy as a foretaste of that very
position. They were all determined to work very hard until they became First
Prime, and no more than a handful doubted they would one day make it.

I stirred where I stood beside Kel-Ten, certain I'd interpreted all those
emotions around me correctly, and because of that felt rather upset.
Dedication to a particular goal is all fine and well, but those men weren't
dedicated, they were obsessed. Or conditioned, which isn't exactly the same
thing. There was a burning need inside each of them to prove themselves,
matching a similar need in Kel-Ten to improve on what he'd already
accomplished. My partner in conspiracy thought he wanted to escape; was that
absolutely true, or simply an outlet the conditioning was allowing him to keep
him from exploding into uselessness? Had he put off the time of our leaving
because he really thought a wait was necessary-or because he'd never actually
do what he was being allowed to dream about? If I told him I was ready to go
and no further delay would be necessary, would he laugh with delight and get
us started, simply be unable to hear me, turn me off and send me back to the
low dormitory, what? I didn't go so far as to turn to stare at him, but
couldn't help noticing that the hall we stood in had suddenly became a good
deal chillier.

"Looks like I have a heavier schedule today than I did yesterday," Kel-Ten
said, drawing me away from increasingly depressing thoughts. "Two intro
classes for new arrivals from low, five rings to cover with another two as
standby possibilities, and a formal challenge.

Which doesn't even count my regular classes. I've had days like this before,
and I hate to tell you how wiped out I'll be by tonight. I'm surprised Ank-Soh
isn't here waiting, all ready to give me a hand with looking after you. "

He chuckled as he made the observation, putting an arm around me to hug me,
but there wasn't much in the way of amusement inside him. I could feel a heavy
sense of worry, tinged faintly with fear, and only then realized what he was
worrying about. The women he was supposed to take care of, when he'd mentioned
them the fear had appearedbecause he was still being protected by my block!
His body didn't even want one woman, not to mention five for certain and maybe
even seven, and the First Prime was wondering if he would be able to handle
it.

I reached over to him gently with my mind, touched the block to make it
dissolve, then watched the rate at which the drugs began affecting him again.
He was able to feel it a good deal sooner than he'd stopped feeling it,
leading me to believe they'd increased his dosage because of the sort of
schedule they'd given him. I stood with his arm around me as he continued to
look at the board, waiting for his reaction to being released, really afraid
he'd start wondering what was going on, but it didn't happen. His mind
suddenly surged with elation as he knew himself able again, but there wasn't
the least sign of suspicion, most certainly not of me. He didn't seem used to
questioning what happened to him, and rather than making me feel better, the
realization drove me deeper into worry of my own.

I had another couple minutes of quiet to use for a stern inner talk with
myself about the stupidity of having forgotten about the block, but I didn't
have to belabor the point. I could have had real trouble by letting it slip my
mind, and I had already sworn to be careful not to do the same again. I'd also
had the time to add my curiosity to Kel-Ten's about where Ank-Soh was, but not
because I missed the other Prime. I couldn't very well make Ank-Soh not want
me after everything he'd said the day before, but I thought it might be
possible to convince him his own schedule was too heavy to fit me in. It was a
risk I'd been wondering if it would be smart to take-no matter how I felt
about it emotionally-and his not showing up was a bigger break than I'd been
expecting. Wherever the other Prime was, I couldn't help hoping fervently that
he stayed there.

My thinking time was ended by the sound of the chime that officially started
the day, and once again my hand was taken in Kel-Ten's as he set off to his
first class. When we got to the room I was put in the back corner the way I'd
been the day before, but once the class started I got a surprise I hadn't been
expecting. Rather than having it be the relaxing class of the day before, it
turned out to be a mental exercise class filled mostly with beginners. The
black-clad instructor welcomed six of the fifteen men to their new level, made
sure they knew the First Prime was there and watching them, then began them on
their exercises. He called out an emotion and they all projected it together,
then he had them do the same only one at a time.

Right from the start I'd had to be very careful of my expression, making sure
I gave the impression of being as bored as I'd been the day before. I sat in
the corner leaning up against the righthand wall, my legs again bent to the
left, my hand now and then patting a yawn, my mind busily taking in everything
I was being shown. Kel-Ten was again at the back of the group, and when he'd
joined in the general broadcasting he'd been careful to use only a part of his
strength. With the others it didn't matter; only a small portion of their
weakly sloppy projections were reaching the trainer, and I thought I knew why.
They had the control we were all taught for closeup work, but none of them was
really used to projecting at a distance. They could just reach the trainer
where he stood, his mind braced against what was coming at him, and some of
them were even letting their efforts spread in my direction.

The trainer himself was a surprise, and although I looked at him closely with
my mind, I made sure not to touch him. The man wasn't a Prime but he was an
empath, and someone had taught him how to recognize what was coming at him
without letting it affect him. His braced mind in effect slid the emotions
past him once he knew what they were, just as though he held up something
mental to cause that sliding. It was an interesting technique, requiring
nothing of the effort fighting off the projections would have demanded,
something I would have had to do in his place.
Again, even with individual efforts the class didn't last very long, and by
the time it was over I understood that the class I'd seen with the targets
would be what the men in that class would graduate to once they had control
and strength. The man in black ended the class with another sort of
competitive comment about Kel-Ten, and while everyone was leaving spent some
time talking to the First Prime. I could feel Kel-Ten purring from what was
being said to him, most likely the usual stroking he was given, and then the
purring stopped in order to let him pay closer attention to what he was being
told. His mind registered faint surprise and an odd mixture of satisfaction
and regret, and then he left the trainer to come over to my corner. For some
reason I felt I ought to be very curious about what he'd been told, and came
that close to asking straight out as I got to my feet. Luckily I was able to
bite my tongue before the giant size of it let Kel-Ten know I'd been able to
follow what was going on at that range, but didn't have to waste time trying
to think of a way to trick the information out of him. As soon as he put his
arm around me, he came right out with exactly what I'd wanted to know.

"I just found out why Ank-Soh wasn't waiting at the schedule board to try
taking you over for the day," he said, beginning to lead me out of the room.
"He'd originally been scheduled to be in this class too, to work with me
giving the former lows a demonstration, but at the last minute they canceled
him so the trainer canceled the demo. What he was told is that Ank-Soh
suddenly got very sick after eating breakfast this morning and they think it
was food poisoning of some kind. Right now they're busy sample-checking all
the dishes in the main facility chef, especially what Ank-Soh ate. He's not
going to be answering challenges for a few days, or covering rings, or
attending classes."

"Or asking about standing in for somebody with a heavy schedule," I added,
wondering why the information was giving me such a funny feeling. It was
relieving to know I would not have to take the risk of manipulating him, but
there was something-"He must have been the only one to be affected, or they'd
know if it was one specific dish or an entire line of meals. That's really
strange, I don't think I've ever heard of something like that happening in. a
carefully run establishment. Does it happen here very often?"

"Only once before that I heard of, nearly five years ago," Kel-Ten answered
with a shrug, leading me up the corridor in a new direction. "It turned out to
be an isolated case, only that one dish being affected, and the man, a rather
high Prime, nearly died. He was never quite right after that, and lost his
position on the very first challenge."

His face briefly went blank then, showing me- again that he wasn't permitted
to think about what happened to high Primes who lost, and when the blankness
faded the subject was over with and closed. We were simply walking along the
corridor going somewhere, saying nothing at the moment, no unanswered
questions hanging in the air. Rather than shivering I just felt sick, and took
my own opportunity to find something else to talk about.

"Your having a practice class instead of the relaxing class surprised me," I
said, making sure my voice was steady and unconcerned. "Are they just trying
to confuse you, or don't you ever follow the same program every day?"

"If I had to do the same thing every day, I'd be crazy in no time," he
answered with a snort of faint ridicule, glancing down at me. "I might have
two days that are almost the same, but never more than two and never exactly
alike. Today I get to do heavy ex in the afternoon with breathing ex after it,
and they've thrown in some light ex for now. I won't be working up too heavy a
sweat, not with two of my rings waiting to be taken to my apartment, and after
that are more practice classes. If you're a good girl I may let you into the
bedroom for your own turn before we go on to the classes, but only if you come
up with a really pretty please. I've got you around to break up the boredom,
after all, and if you like you can even look at it as practicing before we get
to the real thing. "

He grinned as his arm tightened around me, and then we were turning into a
room that was a smaller version of that physical exercise room. I was glad
getting to the room kept me from commenting, but that was just about the only
thing I was glad about. The room held two fully uniformed Secs and one who
wore a short outfit of white, and after I'd been left in charge of one of the
uniformed ones, Kel-Ten and half a dozen other Primes jogged out of the
building behind the one with short clothes. I ignored the grinning inspection
I was getting from the one in whose charge I'd been left and sat down on the
floor, then tried to understand what was going on inside my head.

For some reason I didn't understand at all, it felt as though a heavy alarm
was going off in my mind, insisting on so much of my attention that I couldn't
pick up the emotions around me without putting effort into it. I couldn't
remember ever having experienced something like that before and it bothered
me, so much so that I leaned back against the wall with a hand in my hair,
trying to force myself to understand. I had the definite impression that
something was terribly wrong, and that if I didn't figure out what the
something was fast, I might as well not bother. Maybe starting from the
beginning, when I'd first felt the feeling, would help to clear away the murk.

The beginning wasn't very far away, only a matter of a minute or two, just
before Kel-Ten and I had reached the room. It had been about the time he'd
told me wed be practicing for the real thing, a comment that had upset me, but
certainly not nearly as much as the first time the subject had come up. I'd
have to be there for Kel-Ten to be able to "cover" me, and if things went my
way even a little, that would never happen. No, it wasn't the practicing or
even the covering that had started it, it had to be something else, something
said at just about the same time

The breath caught in my throat as I straightened away from the wall, and I
found it impossible to keep myself from shuddering. Kel-Ten had said his rings
would be "brought to his apartment," and that was the phrase that had done it.
I suddenly knew beyond all doubt that it would be the Sec Adjin who brought
them, and once again Kel-Ten would be occupied while I wasn't. He had a really
heavy schedule that day, so heavy he'd never be able to pay more than token
attention to me, and the man who would have "looked after me" during that time
had suddenly come down sick that very morning. Accidentally sick!

I put a hand to my middle as I felt worse than Ank-Soh possibly could, wasting
not a single moment trying to tell myself I was imagining things. In a place
like that, where everything was so carefully controlled, someone who wanted to
do his own controlling would have very little trouble slipping his
machinations in between those of everyone else's, especially if he was one
whose job it was to guard it all. The null Adjin wanted me again, and even if
I didn't know why his interest was so high, that didn't make it untrue-or
avoidable. My being awake meant nothing when it came to a null; I couldn't
touch him any more than any of the others could, and if I panicked and asked
Kel-Ten to intercede for me he could very well end up like that high Prime
he'd mentioned, the one who had nearly died and afterward was never the same.
If I learned that the Sec was responsible for that as well, it would hardly
come as a surprise.

To hell with surprises, what was I going to do? I sat bent over with my hand
to my mouth, trying to keep the terror inside, trying to think of something to
escape what was coming. I hadn't been able to face the null even before he'd
hurt me; right then the thought of trying to cope with him made me want to run
and run and run and

"Are you all right, girl?" a voice suddenly asked, a properly dutiful concern
behind the words. It took me a minute to understand it was the Sec in whose
charge I'd been left who was talking, the man leaning down a little trying to
get a better look at me. Since I undoubtedly looked as pale as I felt, his
frown deepened, and then he said, "Maybe you ought to be checked over by
someone in Medical. We already have a Prime down sick, and there's no sense in
taking any chances."

I instantly panicked at the thought of being taken to the man in Medical whose
guard was Adjin, but just before I could babble out a refusal a different
thought came to me. If I could get myself to the women's area and the female
doctor I'd seen when I first got there, maybe something could be done to
protect me. Male Sees weren't allowed in the women's areas, Mera had told me,
and although it felt like ages since I'd heard it I immediately got to work on
the only out I had.

"Yes, please, I do need to go to Medical," I said weakly as I rocked back and
forth a little, but there was nothing weak about the total agreement I fed
him. The man was a Sec but not a null, a bit of luck I didn't mind taking full
advantage of. "Cataran Olden is the doctor I want to see, back in the women's
section."

"Cataran Olden it is," he answered with a calm nod, reaching down to help me
to my feet. "I'll take you as far as I can go, then turn you over to someone
else. Can you make it?"

Obviously I didn't look all that steady to him, but I was so desperate to get
out of the men's section I would have crawled if I'd had to. I nodded to show
I was well enough to walk wherever necessary, fidgeted only on the inside when
he stopped to tell the other Sec where he was taking me, and then we were
leaving the room.

The fear didn't start loosening its hold until we reached the low dining room,
finding it empty of all obstructions to our crossing it. On the other side of
the dining room was a short corridor, and beyond the corridor was the area the
null would not be able to reach me in. The Sec holding my arm was moving
faster than he had to begin with, the faint urgency I'd brushed him with
taking care of the need I'd felt so desperately. It had only just been within
the realm of possibility that the null Adjin would appear suddenly to end my
escape attempt, but it hadn't been unlikely at all that Kel-Ten would get back
from his jogging to do the exact same thing. He would certainly have made
difficulty over my being taken back to the women's area, and although I could
have changed his mind easily enough, doing it would just have added to my
problems.

Problems. Mountains ten miles high that needed to be climbed was more like it,
hard, cold mountains I was tackling barefoot and practically naked. We had
crossed almost half the dining room when my mind refused to let me avoid the
major question any longer, the question of what I would do once I got to
Cataran Olden. I could tell her I was terrified to go back to the men's area,
could even tell her why, but what good would it do me? She wasn't in charge of
anything but examining people, and had as much as said no one listened to her
any more than they did to me. Even if she screamed and demanded that I be left
alone and in the women's area, would that stop one of the low Primes from
claiming me for any night he cared to? It sure as hell would be useless if
Kel-Ten demanded me back, most especially in view of the new experiment I was
supposed to be a part of. No, going to Cataran Olden would only prove to be a
temporary escape, and even wasting my breath on that Serdin man wouldn't

I almost gasped as the answer suddenly came to me, and I knew I had to be
looking pale again. I'd said it over and over, the only thing I could do, but
my attention had kept shying away from it, as though totally incapable of
facing that sort of truth. And I'd been wondering and worrying about how
Kel-Ten would respond

I had to escape, and I had to do it right then.

"Just take it easy, we're almost there," the Sec holding my arm told me,
apparently becoming aware of the way I'd begun trembling. "They'll find out
what's wrong with you and they'll fix it fast, and then you'll be feeling fine
again. Just hold on a little longer."

He increased his pace a bit, anxious to get me turned over to someone else
before I passed out or died, I think, but he hadn't the least idea of the
meaning of the word anxious. Bad enough was the fact that I would have to try
getting out of that place alone, without any idea of where I was going or what
I'd be doing if I did get out. Far worse was the fact that I would at the same
time be deserting the man who had made my escape possible, the one whose
desperate urge to be free had started the whole thing in the first place. If I
could have stopped and gone back for him I would have, but even if I did go
back there was no guarantee he would be able to make the try with me. He was
at least partially conditioned, and without knowing how far that partial
extended meant I couldn't take the chance he would ruin everything without
even knowing he was doing it. No, all I could do was continue on alone,
promising both of us that if there was any chance of coming back to help him
get out, I'd do it.

If I didn't die of heart failure first. No more than minutes earlier I'd been
deathly afraid I would never make it to the swinging doors leading to the
women's dormitory room, but when the Sec pushed through one of them, helping
me along with him, I almost hung back. When the thought of going on is just as
terrifying as the thought of retreating, you most often find yourself in the
position of wanting to stand absolutely still, moving not an inch in any
direction. At that point in time I didn't have the option of standing still, a
truth I hated but couldn't do anything to change. The male Sec called a female
Sec over, explained to her that I was sick and was to be taken to Cataran
Olden in Medical, and all I could do was let her take my arm and begin leading
me across the crowded floor.

I was too busy trying to find frantic plans to make to notice the trip over to
Medical, but suddenly there were quite a few women in smocks around me, all of
them apparently waiting on line for attention. Most of them seemed to have no
idea they were doing something as boring as waiting on line, and even worse
than that none of them laughed at the short, torn shirt I was still wearing.
It made me ill to know I would have preferred it if they had laughed, and very
happily I wasn't left to stand around with them. I was taken directly down the
hall to one particular door, the Sec holding my arm waved a hand in front of
it, and then the door was being opened and I was taken inside.

Cataran Olden looked up when we entered, her mind tired, her expression
neutral, but when she saw me she started, her thoughts registering concerned
surprise. It was clear she hadn't expected to see me there, and she put aside
the papers shed been reading and moved away from the wall shed been standing
near.

"What's wrong?" she asked the Sec who still had a hand around my arm. "It's
too soon for her next checkup, so why is she here?"
"She was brought in from the men's area, and you're the one I was told to take
her to," the Sec answered, her shrug mostly referring to her lack of
knowledge. "They're having a food poisoning problem over there today, I hear,
and the guard who brought her thought she ought to be looked over. Do you want
me to wait in here?"

"No, outside if you please," the brown-haired woman answered with a faint
frown, her eyes already examining me. She put a hand to my shoulder and began
leading me farther into the room as the Sec turned me loose and left; I waited
only until I heard the door close, and then I gently but firmly brushed her
hand away.

"I don't have food poisoning," I said, quickly calming her automatic protest.
"What I do have is a problem, and I need your help with it. Are you still
willing to help?"

"If there's anything I can do," she answered, more hesitant and unsure on the
inside than she let the words come out. "You know what I have absolutely no
control over; if it's something other than that, I'll do my best."

I nodded as I returned her stare, then began telling her what had happened to
me since the last time wed met. I wasn't talking for any purpose other than to
kill time, time I desperately needed to decide what to do. They say stampedes
are hard to stop, but when it's one single female Prime who's doing the
stampeding, the saying doesn't necessarily hold true. If I could think of
something else to do other than panic and run, I'd certainly find myself
better off when I finally did get around to escaping. And if I had enough
time, I also ought to be able to find out if Kel-Ten was really able to go
with me. Two against the odds felt like a much better idea to me, so I
pondered my options as I spoke and then tried to find out if there were any I
hadn't yet considered.

"So you can see why I don't want to take the chance of his coming after me
again," I finished up to a silently listening Cataran Olden, having edited the
story just a little to eliminate what could easily be considered nothing but
paranoia. "He's a Sec, one of those in charge, and he told me he would come to
hurt me again. When Kel-Ten told me two of his rings were going to be brought
to his apartment right after he came back from jogging, all I could think
about was what I would do if he was the one who brought them. Not being able
to think of anything made me so sick they thought there was something wrong
with me, and somehow I managed to talk them into bringing me here. That man
Serdin told me to come and see him if I had any problems, but 1 wasn't sure if
he would consider this a real problem. He isn't female, so he couldn't know
how I- Will talking to him do any good, or just make things worse?"

The woman stood leaning against one wall of the examining room with her back,
her head down, her arms folded, and for a moment she didn't move or speak. I
could feel that her mind wasn't anywhere near as quiet and unmoving, and when
she raised her head to look at me there was no smile inside to match the one
on her face.

"I really must learn not to offer help before finding out what the difficulty
is," she said, clearly forcing herself to meet my eyes. "The problem you have
is twofold, and is most easily described as follows: the man who hurt you is
not just a Sec, he's a null, and considering how important nulls are around
here, he pulls more weight than most would believe. Serdin told you everyone
wanted you to be happy here, but there are alternate methods of making you
happy if your natural happiness interferes with the happiness of someone who
has pull. Frankly, what I think will happen is that Serdin will simply make a
note to be sure the null stops visiting you soon enough before your fertile
period to avoid any complications, and in the interim will use an alternate
method to make you happy, say through injections or in your food. If you don't
talk to him and let him know what needs to be done, all you'll have to look
forward to is suffering, so I think it's clear you have very little choice."

She fell silent then and just stared at me, her selfhatred so strong I could
almost feel it without reaching through my shield. Shed told me the truth for
my sake, to keep any false hopes from rising, but would have been much happier
if she could have pretended she was able to do something to give me real help.
It's extremely painful to admit you're helpless in a situation where you don't
want to be, a contention I happened to know personally as the truth. Shed been
right when she said I had no choice, and had been wrong only in believing she
knew what that no choice was.

"So I get to visit Serdin again after all," I muttered, using one hand to rub
at my forehead as I tried to put my thoughts in order. "That might be the best
move in any case, considering how important a man he is. And he is important,
isn't he, even though he isn't a null?"

"Yes he's important, and no he isn't a null," she answered with a frown,
replying to both of my questions without noticing the faint urge to speak
freely I'd brushed her with. "Terry, you're not thinking about trying
to-influence-Serdin, are you? They have women brought in for men in special
positions like his, women who are just as special for the purpose they serve.
You can't . . ."

"I can't not see him, and I can't not try," I interrupted, gesturing with one
hand while soothing her agitation again. "If I can make him understand how
badly I need his help, he may make more of an effort than he would normally.
Will you at least wish me luck?"

I held my arms out to her, asking to be hugged, and the flare of compassion
inside her needed only a little help from me before sending her toward me to
give that hug. When my lips were right next to her ear I whispered to her, my
mind working along with the words, my heart pounding just a little as I
realized I was committing myself with no turning back. I intended trying to
influence Serdin, all right, but not the way Cataran Olden thought, and I
didn't want anyone hearing the instructions I gave to the woman doctor and
begin wondering. I needed something to help Serdin's efforts, and Cataran
Olden was just the one to give it to me.

"Say, since you're going to Serdin, I wonder if you would do me a favor?" the
woman said when I let her let the embrace end, her words completely natural as
she stepped back from me. "I have something he should have, and if you take it
I won't have to send someone to make a special trip."

"I don't mind helping," I answered, watching nervously as she walked to a
small, recessed locker in the righthand wall. "Being helpful might even do me
some good. "

To anyone watching, the woman was acting completely on her own and doing
something she wanted to do. In point of fact she was completely under my
control and doing what I wanted her to, something I needed badly to have done.
If I was going to use Serdin to get me out of there as I intended, I couldn't
very well walk out in the short, torn shirt I was wearing and expect to get
very far. I needed clothing and shoes, and with Cataran Olden so close to my
size, there wasn't likely to be anyone better to supply my need. I had made
the woman believe she really was sending a package Serdin was supposed to
have, and as I watched her put the spare uniform and short boots into a
package-pouch I didn't allow her mind any freedom at all. When she was all
through and handed the thing to me with a smile, I took it and then fed her a
large jolt of forgetfulness. She had just given me as much help as she would
have liked to, but if Id let her remember it the fearful side of her nature
would not have let her enjoy it. I couldn't recall ever having used
forgetfulness before, but now that I had I didn't know why I hadn't. It was a
lot easier to do than I would have thought possible, and was more the result
of my having acted without thinking than a carefully planned-out action.

"Now, what were we just talking about?" she said as she looked at me, the
curiosity she would have felt over what I was carrying pushed aside by my
mind. "Oh, yes, wishing you luck with Serdin. I certainly do wish you luck,
and you'll have to let me know how you make out."

"I guarantee you'll know," I answered as she walked me to the door and opened
it, finding no amusement in my own comment. "And I have a feeling it won't be
long before you do. Thanks for supplying the shoulder I needed. "

"Any time," she answered with a real, warm smile, then looked at the Sec who
was still waiting for me. "Take her to Serdin's office now. It's important
that she see him."

The Sec nodded with uninterested agreement, took my arm as I stepped out into
the corridor, then led off away from the remaining lines of waiting women. The
end of the corridor had a closed and guarded door that we had to be passed
through, which reminded me that that wasn't the way I'd gotten to that area to
begin with. I wondered if it made a difference which way you went, tried to
tell myself it did and that I should think about it, but the try was useless.
The only thing I could think about was what would happen when I got to
Serdin's office-and what would happen if I failed to make my escape attempt
good.

I know I should have paid more attention to what was happening around me, but
my thoughts were so full of desperate plans and counterplans and contingency
plans that before I knew it a door was being opened in front of me. Serdin sat
behind his desk as he had the first time Iii seen him, gray-uniformed,
white-haired, light-eyed and absorbed in what he was doing, but not so
absorbed that he didn't take a moment to glance up. Faint surprise flickered
through his mind, and then he gestured toward the chair I'd sat in the last
time I was there.

"Sit down over there, Terrilian, and I'll be right with you," he said with
familiar distraction, going immediately back to what he'd been doing. The Sec
released my arm and left without asking anything or waiting to be told, an
indication of just how sure of himself Serdin was, but there was no reason why
the man shouldn't be sure of himself. Primes could be dangerous but I wasn't
really a Prime, and I could have felt his automatic dismissal of me at twice
the distance. Anger began to stir in me at that, the sort of anger that had
been so useless until then, but it wasn't yet time to let it have its way. I
moved forward to the chair I'd been told to take and sat, putting my package
on the floor by my feet, letting the anger build slowly inside against the
time I would need it.

"All right, that should do it for now," Serdin said after nearly five minutes,
closing the folder he'd been working on and putting it on a small stack of
others just like it before bringing those eyes up to me. "I'm glad to see you
took my advice about coming to talk to me. If there's something bothering you,
I'll do everything I can to take care of it."

"The something bothering me is a Sec named Adjin," I said, not really using
the complaint to waste time. I wanted to see for myself how Serdin would take
it, which would, in turn, determine how I finally handled him. "The man
delivered Kel-Ten's rings to the First Prime's apartment, then decided to kill
some of the waiting time with me. He hurt me badly, Mr. Serdin, and I want to
know what you intend doing to guarantee it never happens again."

Serdin frowned at what I'd told him, spending no time on trying to pretend he
didn't know I'd been appropriated by Kel-Ten. His mind went annoyed rather
than concerned as he reached to his right on the desk, and then his attention
centered, showing he was beginning to read something. I decided he'd called up
a dot list to his desk screen and was checking it to see exactly who we were
talking about, and knew at once when he found the entry he'd been looking for.
The annoyance faded quickly and entirely, was replaced just as quickly with
the set of emotions that translates to, "Oh, well, now I understand," and then
his attention was shifted back to me.

"You know, you have every right to be proud of yourself," he said, his faint
smile probably meant to show just how proud he was of me. "Not only have you
attracted the attention of the First Prime, you've also been noticed by one of
the highest-rated Class Zeroes this facility has. There hasn't been another
woman able to do that since I've been here, a statistic that makes you more
than a little special."

"That's not my idea of an answer to the question I asked," I said, feeling how
he expected me to puff up and preen from what I'd been told. "I don't care if
that null is the favorite con of the creator of the universe. He hurt me, and
I want to hear that it won't ever happen again."

"A beautiful woman sometimes has to pay the price of her beauty," he returned,
more annoyed than surprised at my response, his body relaxing back in its
chair. "If her looks cause men to lose control of themselves, it's the fault
of those looks, not of the men who respond to her. And let's not forget that
that's the reason for those looks in the first place, to attract the attention
of men. Judged on that basis, your effort is very, very successful. "

"An effort you're suddenly interested in responding to yourself," I said very
low, my crackling anger in no way keeping me from feeling the type of
curiosity he'd developed. "You aren't the sort of man who lets beauty
influence him, but you've begun wondering what it is about me that the others
find so compelling. You have no intentions of helping me, only a brand-new
desire to help yourself. "

"Now, now, Terrilian, you mustn't let the ability for observation you've
developed over the years turn you bitter," he said, folding his hands over his
middle as that faint smile came back to his face. "Men are always in
competition with each other, even when actual challenges never occur, which
means what one or two have, others want. I won't keep you for very long,
certainly not long enough to upset your other admirers, and afterward we'll
give you something to make sure none of this upsets you, either. Everyone will
be happy, because happy is the way we want all of you."

"You know, I really am delighted that happy is the way you want me," I
responded, giving him something of my own smile as I realized he still didn't
understand I was awake, despite the heavy hint I'd supplied a moment ago.
"Happy is also the way I want me, and I think we ought to get started seeing
to it right now. You very much feel that you'd like to take me somewhere, and
I agree that you should. I'll be ready in just a minute or two."

The faint smile froze on his face, but not specifically because of what I'd
said. My mind had flowed into his, taking complete control of it, and although
he began struggling almost automatically the struggle didn't last long. I was
making him believe he did want me happy and did want to take me somewhere, and
was more than willing to let me do whatever I had to in order to hurry the
time until he could do what he had to. The urge for sex was a large part of
it, the very urge he'd developed himself now amplified by me, and everything
he felt revolved around the desire to make me happy. He watched me slip out of
the foolish shirt I wore and begin to get into the uniform and boots I'd
brought along, and his anticipation of the delights to come made the passing
time sweeter for him.

It didn't take more than the couple of minutes Iii specified before I was
ready, and once I was Serdin stood up from behind his desk and came around to
join me where I stood. His light eyes were very bright and the faint smile on
his face reflected only a small portion of what he was feeling inside, but we
weren't as ready to go as he thought.

"That female Sec outside needs to be sent back to where she came from," I told
him, mixing the desire to wait with his anticipation, the result causing him
to change his mind about touching me. "I'll stand behind the door while you
take care of it."

He nodded pleasantly because of the strong need for agreement holding him so
tight, turned to the door, then took care of getting rid of the one person who
would question what was going on. After that he came back to me and simply
stared until I felt we'd given her enough time to leave the area, and then I
took his arm and told him we were ready to go and get a ground vehicle.

I'd almost forgotten how quickly underlings obey someone with a great deal of
power. No one asked why Serdin wanted a ground vehicle, and when he also
dismissed the one who would have driven it for him there was some faint
surprise in the minds around us, but nothing of suspicion. The man was free to
do anything he pleased, and if it pleased him to drive away with a female
member of Medical, there was nothing anyone could say about it. I would have
been a nervous wreck while Serdin handed me into the vehicle and then walked
around to the driver's seat, but the part of me in charge of calm and cool
made sure I wasn't. It let me smile at the man I rode with while the gates to
that part of the complex were slowly opened for us, rather than letting me
faint dead away. Fainting would have felt a lot better, but wouldn't have been
quite as useful.

I had Serdin pretend we were heading for the big building I'd first awakened
in at the very beginning of that madness, but once the gates were solidly
closed behind us had him head for the distant forest instead. The trees and
brush had been cleared away from the complex for quite a distance from its
walls, and seemed to be given periodic treatments to keep it like that. The
major complex we had just left was about a quarter of a mile from the building
we were supposedly going to, and clearly took up more space than the tall but
single building. As we bounced over the uneven ground I felt giddy from the
realization that I'd actually made good on my escape, but then the more
practical side of me insisted on stamping all over the delight of the feeling.
I'd escaped, all right, but only from the complex. I still had to face the
fact that I had, as yet, no way off the planet.

"How do people come and go from this world?" I asked Serdin, still holding his
mind tight with mine. "Where do the transports or their transfer slips land?"

"There's a good-sized port behind the main administrative building," he
answered, gesturing with his head toward the building we were no longer
heading for. "It's carefully walled and guarded, of course, even more
carefully than the rest of the complex. It would hardly do to have one of
our-guests-come out of it far enough to decide on an unauthorized trip to
somewhere else. There aren't many in the Amalgation who know about this world,
and wed like to keep it like that. Can we stop for a while now?"

"We'll be stopping soon," I assured him, giving him the urge to believe along
with the words, carefully keeping my own frustration and fear to myself. When
they found out I was on the loose they would close and seal that port, making
sure it was impossible for me to gain access to it. One single null in the
right place would do it, one single mind I couldn't control and I'd never
reach a transport let alone get clear away. I felt trapped and walled in,
almost as much as I had before getting out of the complex, and to say I didn't
like it wasn't telling half the story.

"What the hell are you people doing here?" I demanded, trying to keep down the
roiling inside me. "Why are you breeding Primes, and why is it so important
that no one find out?"

"We're getting ready to take over the Amalgamation," he answered in such a
matter-of-fact tone that it didn't seem real, his eyes busy with watching
where he was driving. "Right now Central heads the Amalgamation, but only with
the agreement and approval of the other member worlds. Once we have enough
trained Primes we'll take over the other worlds, and there won't be anything
they can do to stop us. How effective will a hastily scraped together
volunteer army be against men who can feed them terror at a distance? How
dangerous will the Kabras, the only professional fighters in the Amalgamation,
turn out to be, when our people can intensify their feelings that to fight an
equal force of their own is useless, and that any force of ours they face is
just like one of their own? The Kabras won't lift a single weapon, citizen
police forces or armies will spend more time running away than standing and
fighting, and no leader of any of the worlds will be able to lie about being
loyal to us. After we've taken over, our Primes will be everywhere, making
sure people do as they're told, making sure that those who harbor the
strongest resentments are arrested and dealt with before they can be
troublesome. Our regime, once begun, will go on and on in perpetuity, and no
one and nothing can stop it."

The vehicle slid around a little on the rutted ground as the shock I felt
transmitted itself to the man who was driving, and although I cut it off
quickly that doesn't mean I stopped feeling it when he did. They were not only
going to take over the Almagamation, they were also going to use empaths to do
it, to see that everyone was enslaved as completely as only their pet tools
now were! The desire to rule was theirs, but me and mine would be the ones who
got them that desire! I felt so sickened I put a hand to my mouth, trying to
keep the uneven ride from adding so much to the sickness that it erupted out
of me, almost finding I couldn't do it. Those people were crazy, but their
craziness would work unless someone discovered a way to stop them. I had to
get free and stay that way, and hope that eventually they relaxed enough to
let me sneak or force my way into the port.

"When we reach the edge of the forest you can stop the vehicle," I said after
a moment or two of trying to pull myself together, frantically searching for
something I could do right then that would help rather than be useless or
harmful. "Is there anything out there it would be especially wise to avoid,
anything someone even with my mind strength would have trouble handling?"

"Only the Ejects," he replied, a faint shadow of annoyed disgust crossing his
mind when he spoke the word. "They hate everyone and everything connected with
the complex, and don't even care that we rid this entire area of dangerous
predators in order to give them more of a chance to survive. They take the
babies we leave out and raise them as their own, but start a riot any time we
come by to claim the rare Prime baby they manage to produce, or take some of
their number to be targets for our Primes. Way back in the beginning we even
gave them people to show them how to live in the wild, but even that means
nothing to them. They're simply and basically incapable of feeling gratitude."

"You expect them to be grateful for being thrown out instead of killed, don't
you?" I asked, not really requesting an answer. That was exactly what he
expected, he and the others like him. They wasted nothing, apparently, not
even the empaths who weren't born Primes, turning them out into the wilderness
to live or die as they could. Killing them would have been kinder, but if
they'd killed them the occasional Prime they produced would not be produced,
so they graciously let them live. The Primes in the complex had no idea what
was done with their offspring, and in that way everyone was kept happy.

"You're-hurting me," a faint, choked protest came, bringing me back to
awareness of how erratic our progress had suddenly grown. Serdin's hands were
clamped to the drive wheel, the knuckles white against the pain he felt, his
body trembling with the need to keep on as we were going even though his mind
was on the verge of being crushed. I was suddenly feeling more enraged than
sickened, more furious than frightened, and the strength of my mind was
squeezing at the mind I held, wanting very badly to hurt it the way it had
caused others to be hurt. I was very much aware of the pain Serdin was in,
could see the sweat beading on his face, but felt nothing in the way of guilt
even as I stared at him. Yes, I was hurting him, but no, I wasn't regretting
it.

"It's really too bad I still need you, I said, a part of me wondering why I
wasn't trembling and confused and unsure of myself. My mind-tool of calm was
giving me very little help just then, doing no more than waiting against the
possibility of need, so both feelings and actions were mine. I was the one
giving pain to someone who most often gave it to others, and I realized it
might be wise of me to stop-before I began enjoying it too much.

"Since we're almost to the forest, you might as well stop here," I said,
releasing the mind I held captive to the extent of eliminating the pain the
man was feeling. "As soon as I leave the vehicle you'll turn around and go
back, taking it as slow as you can, thinking about nothing but the fun you've
had and how right you were to spend a little time on experimentation. Do you
understand?"

"Yes," he answered in a breathy whisper, and it was a good thing I'd had him
stop the vehicle. I was right then feeding him complete physical satisfaction
as I'd taken it from the minds of other men at some other time, and he was
shuddering in delight with his eyes half closed, the rapture completely in
possession of him. I would have preferred giving him something other than
pleasure, but the mind clings to memories of pleasure and tries to hold onto
them, while an equal measure of agony and pain is forgotten as soon as it can
possibly be managed. The longer he remembered what had been done to please him
the longer it would take for him to understand what had really been done, and
that extra amount of time was what I needed. The last thing I did was force
confusion deep into his mind, a confusion that would not be noticed or felt
until after he was well out of my area of influence. It would surface again
and again in the hours to come, playing havoc with his ability to remember and
reason clearly, and that, too, would help me.

I got out of the vehicle and slammed the door, then watched only long enough
to be sure my orders were being obeyed before turning and hurrying into the
waiting brush. It felt odd being completely clothed again and shod, odd in a
way I couldn't immediately pin down, but I had very little time to waste
thinking about it. I broke into a slow run as I went deeper into the forest,
changed direction once I thought I was completely concealed from observation,
then tried increasing my pace. I didn't know how to disguise the trail I was
leaving, so I had to do something to destroy it as quickly as possible, before
they discovered I was gone. That could happen at any time, and then they would
be after me.

Panic comes in two varieties, and I would have much preferred being a victim
of the first, which is four-fifths terror. It descends on you fast, taking
your breath and your muscle control, trying to freeze you where you stand or
cripple you in the midst of movement. It's an emotion that does, very often,
generate its own opposition in you once the initial shock is over, helping you
to overcome it as soon as possible. The second variety is only half terror or
less, which means it comes slowly but firmly over you, creeping up and getting
a good, solid hold before you understand completely that it's there. You find
yourself racing along like a mindless animal, wasting strength and breath,
almost running into trees in your need to get away from whatever it is that's
coming behind you-or will be coming behind you. It tells you that even if
nothing's behind you now there soon will be, and gives you no time to think,
no opportunity to stop and use reason on your problem. Most of the time you
don't even know it's happening, not until a countershock jars you free of it.

My countershock came when I slammed hard into the ground, facedown among twigs
and thin grass and leaves. My knees and palms got the worst of it, but my left
ankle also ached a little from the way my left boot had gotten caught on
something I hadn't seen. My breathing was still ragged and I still felt the
urge to run without stopping, but having to brush my palms clean and then rub
at my ankle meant I also had the opportunity to look around. I hadn't seen
much of what Id been running through, only a blur of trees and bushes marking
my progress in my memory, but it didn't take long to see it was a damned good
thing I'd fallen hard enough to be snapped out of it. Without realizing it Iii
been running beside a brook, the sort of shallow little waterway I needed to
disguise my trail, and I hadn't even seen it.

I gave myself a minute to catch my breath, begrudging every second of it but
knowing it was necessary, then got to my feet and walked over to the brook. It
was fastmoving and shallow, coming up to no more than ankleheight on my boots,
and once I stepped down into it found that keeping my balance against the
movement of the water was one of the things I had to be careful about. Another
was the slick stones the water ran over, not to mention occasional hidden
holes, but it had the overwhelming advantage of not showing a single one of my
footprints. I moved around a bit to get used to walking in it and convince
myself about the lack of visible passage, then turned in the direction
opposite to the one I'd been running in and continued on my way.

I suppose I started out congratulating myself on my cleverness over having
turned in a new direction, and truthfully it hadn't been a bad idea. I'd run
headlong into the forest as far as I could until the brook had stopped my
straight-line progress, and then had chosen a different direction and had
simply kept going. Right or left really didn't matter just then with one way
as good as another, but turning back again after entering the water should
have confused everyone and anyone trying to follow me. I felt so pleased it
took a while before I discovered how cold my feet were growing, courtesy of
the brook water I was walking in., My borrowed boots were watertight but
uninsulated, ad I hadn't known before how cold it's possible to get while
still remaining dry.

I found out   how cold it's possible to get, just before I also found what
seemed like   the best place to leave the brook. I'd walked on for quite a way
against the   flow of the water, slowly feeling my feet freeze solid, slowly
discovering   just how much of my strength I'd thrown away in blind panic, and
just before I gave in to the urge to sit down right there in the middle of the
brook I saw exactly what I needed. Most of the ground beside the water had no
more than thin grass, the dirt under it obviously created for the sole purpose
of taking footprints and holding them forever with a smirk of laughter. What I
finally came to was a wide table of stone that jutted out just a little over
the water, stone that looked almost swept clean of dirt by a broom, and that
was my way out. I waded over to it, used strict self-control to keep myself
from getting down on hands and knees to kiss it, and simply left the friendly
brook behind.

I forced myself to walk on a short distance before sitting down near a tree,
leaned against it with my back, then concentrated on resting while at the same
time getting pain control ready for when my feet would start coming back to
life. It had felt as though I'd been walking on wooden feet for quite a while,
and the surprising part was that I hadn't at any time fallen. I closed my eyes
as I leaned back against the hard wood of the tree bark, feeling the way my
body ached, trying not to think about whoever would be coming after me. I
couldn't afford to believe they would give up the search easily, which meant I
had to keep going as long as humanly possible and then add a little more
distant to that. How I would find food and shelter I didn't know, but-

My eyes flew open as I straightened away from the tree, my mind belatedly
feeling the presence of other minds, minds that were very close. I'd been too
deep inside myself to notice them immediately, too concerned with what I had
done and would do next, but the hatred that had suddenly begun welling at me
had forced me to notice. My sight confirmed what my mind already knew, that
there were ten or twelve men and women standing and staring at me, their
approach having been so silent I hadn't heard anything of it, but vision added
shock because of their appearance. They were thin, those people, as though
they'd never had a decent meal in their lives, and their hair and beards were
long and totally unkempt. What they wore in the way of clothing wasn't
clothing at all, but what seemed to be hides and pelts of various animals,
badly made, badly kept, and smelling so foul that I experienced a very strong
urge to throw up. The barefoot people themselves were as dirty as what theyd
wrapped themselves in, but one fact stood out even more clearly than the
stench coming at me in waves: every one of them had an active mind, which
meant every one of them was an empath.

"Watcha doin' here?" one of them suddenly demanded, a man larger than the rest
who stepped out in front of those he stood with. "Watcha up to, huh, thinkin'
y'c'n sneak up 'n us? Ain't got enuffa watcha want whur y'cum frum?"

It actually took me a minute to understand what he was saying, the words were
so garbled and the accent so thick, and all the time I had to fight off oceans
of hostility and hatred trying to roll over me. As empaths they had no control
of their minds at all, no discipline to keep them from projecting what they
were feeling, and I had never been exposed to such completely raw emotions. I
retreated most of the way behind the thin shield I'd been looking through,
trembling in spite of myself, then forced myself to stand and face them. The
men of the group were carrying heavy sticks of some kind, almost like long
cudgels, and the women were gripping thinner but still nasty-looking versions
of their own weapons.

"I've run away from those people and I need help," I said to the man who had
spoken, wishing my heart wasn't making so much noise. "I can't let them catch
me again,

I have to stay free, but I can't do it alone. I hate them as much as you do,
so won't you help me?"
I'd been trying to keep my words as simple as possible so they would
understand, but understanding wasn't a problem. Most of the group immediately
began to mutter, and the man I d addressed snorted out his disgust and
disdain.

"Y'din like it there, so y'run Cus," he said, looking me up and down with no
approval at all. "Whole buncha ya don' give a damn 'bout us till y'need us,
then y'cum lookin'. We ain't had none a ourn took fer killin' in a whole long
while 'cuz they don' know we's here, an' we ain't gonna do nothin' t' change
thet. We's gonna drive ya a good long ways away, an' then whin they git ya
they still ain't gonna know whur we's at. Them others bin mens steada girls,
but it don' make no nevermind. They's gonna git ya but ain't gonna git none a
ourn."

"Please, wait a minute, I don't understand," I protested as some of them
started toward me, finding myself taking an involuntary step back. "The people
there don't ignore you because they want to, but because the ones in charge
make them do it! And what do you mean, they're going to get me like they got
the others? If I hide well enough they won't be able to find me; didn't the
others try to hide?"

"Hidin' don' do none a ya no good," he said with another snort, now close
enough to wrap a filthy hand around my arm. "They's got boxes t' tell 'em whur
y'all's hidin', an' them boxes don' miss nothin'. Whin they find ya they ain't
gonna find us, that's fer damn spittin' sure. We's gonna run ya far's we
gotta."

The hand on my arm pulled me away from the tree and shoved me toward the
center of the group that had closed in, but my mind was so numb I barely
noticed it happening. The people from the complex used tracking devices, which
meant there had to be a fix thread or a spot dot somewhere on or in me. I'd
never find it soon enough to get rid of it, especially if it was under some
part of my skin as they usually were, and I didn't know what to

"Git outen here!" a woman's voice shrilled from behind me, and the next
instant I screamed at the pain from the sharp blow of a stick across my back.
I halfjumped, half-fell forward, trying to keep from being hit again, trying
to merge with my mind-tool so that I could drop my shield and protect myself,
but there were too many of them. Blows struck at me from all sides, some even
landing on my head to make me dizzy, and then they were all screaming and
shouting and beating at me with mindless fury. As though from a great distance
I noticed that only the women were using their sticks, the men using no more
than hands and fists, and then I was running with my arms wrapped around my
head, running in an attempt to get away from the pain of those blows. I
whimpered as I ran, fear adding to the flame of agony as they kept hitting me
over and over, and I couldn't seem to get away from them. They were running
with me, still beating me as they kept up, which made me run even faster. I
had to get away from them, had to escape that terrible pain, but I couldn't, I
couldn't, I couldn't . . .

Just how long a time passed I have no idea, but it was still full daylight out
when I again became aware of the forest around me. I was on my knees beside a
tree, holding to it and trying to hide myself in it, and it came to me that I
hadn't been unconscious, only separated from all awareness of self. It felt as
though I'd been trying to bury myself in the tree for quite some time, and
hadn't managed it because of the utter exhaustion and raging pain I burned in.
That didn't sound exactly right for some reason I couldn't quite put my finger
on, but it didn't matter in the least. I knew where I was, knew the people
called Ejects were gone without a trace, and knew it was only a matter of time
before those from the complex came and captured me again. They would find me
no matter how far or how fast I ran, find me easily, and there was nothing I
could do to stop it or them. Matter, matter, matter, no matter what it didn't
matter.

I scraped my cheek against the rough bark of the tree, but something inside me
refused to allow me to let go. I needed endless strength to lean on, endless
gentle caring to help me past the pain, endless love to warm me against the
chill starting in the air. Where I was supposed to get those things I didn't
know, but it was almost as though the tree was- connected in some way,
reminding me of-something-or someone-no longer there and maybe never there-I
didn't know and I was so confused-

Distantly I was surprised at the tears running down my cheeks, tears from a
source other than the flaring pain I felt. If I hadn't been using pain control
I would have been unconscious from the terrible beating I'd been given, the
beating that had driven me away from people who were too bitter to give up
what little they had for a stranger. I didn't blame them for that, it wasn't
their fault, but giving things up-and giving people up-there was something
about that that brought me tears-tears I didn't understand-

I froze where I knelt beside the tree, everything forgotten but the sound Iii
thought I'd heard all my senses trying to flare out in an attempt to search
and pinpoint what it was. Most of my strength was going toward supporting the
pain control, the possibility of broken ribs making it more a necessity than a
luxury, but when I touched human minds I knew it. Male alone, distant but
coming closer, a strong sense of searching and an even stronger sense of
confirmed anticipation. Whoever it was knew I was there, knew they would find
me very shortly, knew I couldn't hide from them. They were already there,
already on the verge of recapturing me, and although I knew more running would
be as useless as what Id already done, I still used the tree to help me drag
myself to my feet. If I just sat there waiting for them I would be helping
them, and as long as there was life and awareness left in my body helping them
was the last thing I would do.

Standing up made me dizzier than I had been, but I held to the tree until the
dizziness went away and then I went stumbling off into the forest. I couldn't
move very fast, couldn't even walk straight, but I wasn't going to help them
catch me. I waited for the panic to come to add to my lost strength a little,
but the panic refused to cooperate. It didn't come, not even a shadow of it,
and I discovered I was muttering curses at it under my breath. Never there
when you need it, that's what a waste panic was, never there, not even nulls
there, stupid not sending nulls, why are the trees blurring, the ground
getting mushy without any water around, everything going in slow circles, that
strange sound in my ears, getting dark fast, too fast, not late enough, not-



Chapter 9

I was awake instantly, faster than I could ever remember waking up before,
faster than I knew it was possible to wake up. I raised up on my left side on
the bed, using a slightly sore elbow to brace me, confused not so much about
what had happened before I'd lost consciousness, but about what was then going
on. The plain metal room I lay in wasn't anything like what they had in the
complex, and in fact looked most like a cabin aboard a transport, which didn't
make any sense. I hadn't been anywhere near the complex port when the last of
my strength went, and couldn't quite believe I'd found it and gotten into a
transport while still unconscious. And those men Id felt in the forest, the
ones coming after me; if they hadn't been there to take me back to the
complex, then what-
I was just about to put a hand to my head when I heard a sound at the cabin
door, a sound that meant the door was being unlocked. I forced myself to sit
up all the way, paying scant attention to the sheet that covered my otherwise
bare body, banishing the light shield that covered my mind and leaving only my
curtain. I didn't know whose hands I was in that time, but whoever they were
they would learn what it meant to be in a fight if they thought I was going to
let myself be taken advantage of again. I'd had enough of being pushed around
to last ten people a lifetime, and I'd be damned if I took any more at all.

The door in the wall opposite the foot of my bed opened with no special hurry,
and by then I knew there were four people outside, three male and one female.
There were other minds farther away, quite a few minds, but two of the nearest
four clearly intended entering. The other two minds were concerned with
nothing but waiting-which made them guards for my door-but the third man and
the woman were coming in. I couldn't reach the woman's mind without moving
through her shield, but the man's mind was unshielded, and there was something
familiar about the rigidly controlled worry in it. As the door opened I was
sure I knew that mind, and then the woman walked in and quickly turned to help
the man

"Murdock McKenzie!" I blurted, watching him move his twisted body toward the
only chair in the room, leaning heavily on his cane. His gray hair was as neat
as always, his clothing as plain, and the ever-present pain in his mind was so
well-controlled that it was flatly refused access to his awareness. The woman
helped the head of Central's XenoDiplomacy Bureau to the chair then waited
while he sat, the bending he had to do almost the hardest part for him, but
nothing of his struggle showed on his face any more than it ever did. He got
himself settled with a minimum of fuss, then raised those cool gray eyes to
me.

"Yes, Murdock McKenzie," he agreed, the words dry as he studied my face. "A
bit late, perhaps, in his arrival, but nevertheless here. Are you all right,
Terrilian? Did they harm you in any-permanent-way?"

"You're not asking about what happened in the forest, are you?" I said,
suddenly knowing it for a fact. "You're discussing those people at the
complex, which means you know all about them. Are you one of them, Murdock? If
you are, don't think you have me safely captured because you don't. I'll fight
before I'll let anyone take me back there. "

"I see you've changed quite a lot since the last time we spoke," he said, a
faint, cold smile just creasing his lips as he continued to study me. "I
believe I know the reasons for the changes, and I couldn't be more pleased.
And no, my dear Terrilian, I am not `one of them.' I'm one of those opposed to
them, a group they happily know very little about, but who now, even more
happily, know the location of their most secret nest. It's thanks to you that
we have this very vital knowledge, and now we may move with all speed to begin
stopping their madness for all time."

His mind, unlike his narrow, sunken face, showed warm delight and the
gratitude and appreciation he'd spoken of. I didn't want to relax away from
the unyielding sense of resistance I d put up in front of me. not while I
still suspected the motives of everyone I met, but I knew Murdock McKenzie
wasn't lying. I could feel the truth of what he'd said, and the ache I was
also feeling was beginning to convince me that leaning back and resting a
short while would not turn out to be self-betrayal.

"If you're all that grateful to me, then you won't mind if I insist on joining
your major effort to stop them," I said, easing down to my right elbow so that
I could still look at Murdock. "I want to be there when you hit them, and I
want to do my share of the hitting. You don't mind humoring me to that small
an extent, do you, Murdock?"

"Absolutely out of the question," the woman interjected in a flat, final way
before Murdock could answer me. I'd forgotten all about her during my brief
conversation with Murdock, but the way she spoke put her quickly centerstage.
She was my height but carried more body weight, was a good deal older, had
light brown hair and blue eyes, and wore a drab-green, one-piece ship's
uniform with what seemed like full familiarity. She had also opened her shield
to look at me with her mind, and those back at the complex probably would have
been upset to know her strength was very close to that of Kel-Ten.

"Absolutely out of the question," she said, folding her arms where she stood
beside Murdock's chair. "Her mind is so feeble she'd be flattened in an
instant, and it wouldn't take the best they have, either. I still don't
understand how she could have been declared a Prime to begin with. And if you
have no modesty, girl, you might consider the feelings of those around you.
That sheet should be covering you, not resting forgotten across your hips. "

She was right about my having forgotten the sheet, but suggesting I had no
sense of modesty was as ridiculous as the rest of what she'd said. I was as
modest as the next woman, but there are, at times, things more important than
worrying about whether or not you're covered. I took a handful of the sheet
and pulled it over me, then met the annoyance in the light eyes staring at me.

"Please accept my apologies for having offended your sensibilities," I
drawled, knowing the tone would add to the woman's annoyance. "If I'd realized
you've never before seen what I was showing, I would certainly have been more
careful. And since my question was addressed to Murdock rather than to you,
why don't we let him answer it, hm? "

The woman stiffened where she stood, unfolding her arms as her mind also went
stiff with insult, the expression on her face turning coldly angry. She was
all ready to come back at me with a blast of words, but this time Murdock was
the one to interrupt.

"Now, now, ladies, let's not have hostility between allies," he said, the
command so smooth and soothing that it almost seemed like a casual
interjection. "It's come to me that you two don't know each other, so you must
forgive me for being remiss in regard to introductions. Prime Ashton Farley, I
would like you to know Prime Terrilian Reya, and you may both accept my word
that you are nor enemies. Ashton has been in charge of training our own force
of empaths, Terrilian, and from what I hear Terrilian has been struggling with
very special training on Rimilia, Ashton. If you like you may address her as
'Chama, ' for that's the position she won to in Vediaster."

"She's the new Chama of Vediaster?" the woman Ashton Farley demanded, her
disbelief so clear even Murdock must have felt it. "That's not possible,
Murdock, not with the small amount of mind-strength she has. I have ordinary
empaths with more mind-muscle than that, so someone must be pulling your leg.
And if she was on Rimilia, why didn't I know about it'?"

"My dear Ashton, she wasn't there to train with your forces," Murdock answered
with faint amusement for the woman's continuing annoyance, his fingers turning
his cane just a little. "She was there for another purpose entirely, one facet
of which was to be five-banded by Tammad, the denday Rathmore Hellman believes
is uniting Rimilia for him. What the esteemed head of the Centran Amalgamation
on Central doesn't know, of course, is that Tammad is in reality working in
the interests of his own people, and therefore in our interests as well. He
and Terrilian have been together for months, and-"

Murdock's words broke off a bare moment after his eyes returned to me, leading
me to wonder what my expression must be like. It had taken me a little time to
realize that Murdock knew what was missing from my memory, knew where I'd been
and what I'd done during the time that was only a blank to me. He clearly
didn't mind talking about it, but for some reason I felt very reluctant to ask
him to go into details.

"Of course," he said almost at once, his gray eyes narrowed as he studied my
face, his mind close to outrage. "They've conditioned you into forgetting all
that, haven't they? They wanted nothing to interfere with total dedication to
the new commitment, and with no memory of what was, their wishes were
fulfilled. Have no fear, child, their wishes will very shortly no longer
obtain. As quickly as your system rids itself of the drugs you were being fed,
that quickly will you begin to remember-and more quickly still with the
assistance of my own memories. Would you like me to begin now?"

"I-think Id like to rest for a while first," I said, knowing I was being a
coward but helpless to do anything else. "And I think I'd also like to hear
first how it was that you were right there to rescue me from what I thought
was a hopeless situation. Is it modern science we have to thank for our now
being able to grow coincidences to such an unusual size?"

"Our being there was hardly a coincidence," he answered, his tone warmly
reassuring despite the snort of ridicule voiced by the woman beside him. "It's
all part of the story, but not a part you're likely to remember on your own.
You never knew the entire story, you see, but it's more than time that you
did. Perhaps you'd care to join us for a meal once you've rested, and we can
talk then."

"I think-I'm suddenly more hungry than tired," I found myself being forced to
say, the decision having been made almost on its own. Something told me I
would not be too pleased to hear what I'd been doing during the time that was
blank to me, but I discovered I had to know. I didn't want to know but I did
want to know, and since I would remember eventually anyway there was no sense
in putting it off. "You don't happen to have something I can wear, do you?"

"That uniform you had on when we found you is hanging in the closet over
there," the woman Ashton said, nodding her head toward the wall to my left.
"The bloodstains have been cleaned out of it, and the rips and tears aren't so
bad that it can't be worn. Would you like us to wait while you dress, or would
you prefer bringing the uniform out to the common area and getting into it
there?"

"Ashton and I will go on ahead and get the food ordered," Murdock said as he
began to struggle out of his chair, the words so quick and smooth I barely had
time to glare at the woman. "There's no need of your hurrying, Terrilian, take
what time you require and join us at your leisure. Come, Ashton, I find I've
an appetite of my own to see to."

I was ready to swear Murdock had never accepted as much help from anyone as he
did from the woman right then, forcing her to pay more attention to him than
to me. It seemed fairly clear she was spoiling for a fight as much as I was,
and although I didn't know the details of what was motivating her, I was more
than ready to oblige. The only thing that had held me back until then was the
difference in the strength of our minds, a difference the woman had no real
idea about as yet. If she pushed me one more time she would learn about the
difference, though, no matter how unfair it was. Enough is enough, but with
her it was too much.
Once the door closed behind my two visitors, 1 was faced with the need to get
out of bed. Doing it wasn't as easy as deciding on it, and although I didn't
have to use pain control, I did have to move a lot more slowly than I wanted
to. Getting into the uniform first meant sitting back down, and if the boots
hadn't been flexible enough to more or less step into I would have had a
problem. By the time I was dressed I knew the beating I'd taken hadn't broken
anything on me, not even the ribs Id first thought it had, but that didn't
mean it didn't still hurt.

It wasn't unreasonably long before I left the cabin for the common area, but
even before I reached the single, round table set up in it I could see that
plates of food had already been brought. Murdock was settled into a special
chair that both supported and comforted his body, a cup of kimla in his hands,
for the most part ignoring what he'd said he was developing an appetite for.
The woman Prime was still his companion, sitting in a standard chair and
sipping from her own cup of kimla, her gaze more inward than on her
surroundings. Murdock's mind was still under its usual calm control, but hers,
as unshielded as it was in the cabin, was a whirlwind blend of annoyance and
confusion and frustration and anger. As I neared the table, heading for the
last unoccupied chair, she looked up and purposely smoothed the turning in her
mind, but didn't say anything.

"Ah, Terrilian, happily sooner than I had expected," Murdock said, touching a
stud that raised the back of his chair just a little. "The ship's doctor
informs me that you're doing very well, considering the fact that you might
have been seriously hurt by so vicious an attack. Whatever possessed those
people to hurt you like that?"

"Those people," I echoed looking at him as I carefully lowered myself into a
chair that was usually very comfortable. "Am I mistaken, Murdock, or are you
under the impression this was done to me by those of the complex?"

, , Why-of course I'm under that impression," he said, exchanging faint frowns
with the woman Ashton. "Who else might there be on that world, a world noted
on the charts as having no higher life forms of its own?"

"Murdock, they're breeding for Primes," I said, leaning back slowly enough so
that what pain I felt increased only a small amount. "When empaths mate you
may always get more empaths, but you don't necessarily get Primes even from
Prime parents. I was attacked by one group of those who didn't happen to be
born Primes."

"You can't mean they simply-kick out-the ones who aren't Primes?" the woman
Ashton demanded, her body straightened by the same outrage filling her mind.
"Empaths are empaths, some stronger, some weaker, but all the same! How can
they do such a barbaric thing, such a-a-! "

"They do it as easily as they do all the rest," Murdock interrupted, his
thoughts as cold as his .face was devoid of expression. "Clearly, I should be
unsurprised by anything I hear of them, and yet just as clearly-"

His voice stopped for a moment while he fought with the urge to do something
useless but violent, and then his normal self-control reasserted itself. "I
refuse to waste my strength on rage," he stated, possibly more to himself than
to us. "As we may now begin to finalize our plans against them, I shall
content myself with the knowledge that they will soon be made to pay for
everything they've done. At the same time their wrongdoing will be righted, as
quickly and as thoroughly as we find it possible to see to. And I believe we
would do well to speak of other things now."
He paused while a steward stopped beside me to supply a cup of kimla like
those my companions held, and I found I was more than happy to have it. The
kimla was warm and smooth and properly sweetened, the first sip of it showing
me how badly I needed something like that in my stomach. I felt as though my
insides were just about empty, which meant it was time for one of the
questions I hadn't yet asked.

"How long ago did you people find me?" I put to Murdock, leaning forward
carefully to check the contents of a tureen already on the table. It held a
creamed soup that positively beckoned to me, and when the steward saw I wanted
some of it he took over the job of filling a bowl.

"We've had you aboard almost a full day now," Murdock replied, nodding with
absent approval over the bowl being filled for me. "Our doctor treated your
cuts and bruises while muttering things best not repeated under his breath,
then put you to bed with orders that you weren't to be disturbed by anyone. He
felt that it would likely be quite some time before you regained
consciousness, but it wasn't that long at all before the empath assigned by
Ashton to watch you told us you were beginning to come awake. The doctor also
thought you would be bedridden for quite a while, but he seems to have been in
error on that score as well. Once you've eaten and we've talked, we'll let him
know you're up and about again."

With a bowl of soup in front of me and a small scoop in my hand I didn't feel
the need to comment on that, most especially since I wasn't terribly anxious
to see his doctor. It was true that I still hurt, but if the doctor could have
changed that he would have, which meant seeing him would be a waste of time
for both of us. Right then I preferred wasting my time in other ways, and
Murdock shifted in his chair before beginning on one of them.

"Perhaps it would be best if I tell Ashton what's been happening to you, with
you simply listening in," he said, apparently aware of the upset still felt by
the woman and wanting to distract her. "If you happen to hear something that
strikes you as wrong or partially inaccurate, don't hesitate to speak up. It
will mean your memory is beginning to return, an occurrence I would like to
see completed as soon -as possible. We will all need to be in our clearest
minds before this thing is over and done with.

"As you know, Ashton, Rimilia was chosen for the construction of the
all-planets conference complex because of its location in space. With all
member planets just about equally distant from it it was considered perfect,
but it also had another attraction not as well publicized. With a population
not far above the level of barbarism, Rathmore Hellman and the others felt
that when the proper time came to deprive the other planets of its seasoned
leadership, that very population could be pointed to as the perpetrators of
the bloody-handed deed. In order to manipulate permission for the complex out
of the Rimilians as well as gain control over them, we gave our backing and
wholehearted support to a Rimilian leader named Tammad.

"From the very beginning Tammad appeared to be nothing more than our ally, and
Terrilian here was sent to Rimilia to assist him in convincing the others of
the Rimilian leaders to allow the complex. She was told by everyone involved
that she would be returned to Central when her mission was accomplished, no
one finding it necessary to mention that Tammad had indicated such a strong
desire for her that he insisted on purchasing her in the accepted Rimilian
way. Rathmore Hellman was amused by such naivete, that Tammad would believe
Central would simply sell one of its best Primes to a primitive, but still
allowed the insistence. Tammad's price for her was his promise to unite as
many of the diverse people of Rimilia under his own personal banner, so to
speak, as possible, which was exactly what Rathmore wanted him to do. His own
broaching of the subject made the arrangement much sweeter to Rathmore's way
of thinking, and through me Tammad's offer was accepted at once. When
Terrilian was returned to us at the embassy on Rimilia after the complex was
approved at the Great Meeting she had been sent to attend, we all believed
Tammad had changed his mind about keeping her. For that reason, I immediately
returned her to Central on my own transport.

"No more than a small number of days passed before I learned of the
misunderstanding we were all in the midst of," Murdock said, pausing to sip at
the kimla he still held. "Tammad appeared at the embassy with a large number
of his warriors, offered me polite greetings, then asked to have his woman
returned to him. It developed that he'd sent her back only because he'd given
his word to her to do so, fully intending to reclaim her once he'd made good
on that word. When he discovered she was gone he grew furious, and demanded
that he be provided with the means to follow after and recover her. By the
time my transport returned I discovered she was due to Mediate on Alderan, so
I sent Tammad and some of his men off in the transport, telling the captain to
give Tammad all the help and advice he was able to provide.

"The mission proved successful and Tammad returned to Rimilia with Terrilian,
but in the interim there had been occurrences neither of them knew about. Word
had come to me with Rathmore's authorization behind it, stating that Terrilian
was to be returned to Central for a highly classified and extremely important'
assignment. I had no doubt as to what that would be and immediately decided it
was time Terrilian joined Your group, Ashton, but the step was never taken.
Although Terrilian clearly had no desire to return with Tammad to the midst of
his world, Tammad refused to release her. He spoke of our `returning the price
he'd paid for her,' a promise of the withdrawal of his cooperation and
alliance which Rathmore most certainly did not want at that point. When I
admitted my inability to return his price he simply turned and strode away,
taking Terrilian with him."

"I remember how frustrated and furious you were after that confrontation,"
Ashton said, a faint smile on her face as she looked at Murdock. "No one in
the entire community dared ask you what had happened, but we gathered we could
forget about our supposed new arrival. Why didn't you tell Tammad how
dangerous it was for the girl to be away from our protection? `Highly
classified' assignments for female Primes have always meant the end of their
lives as rational individuals, and if he really cared about her he wouldn't
have refused to let her go with you."

"Speaking to him privately at that time was out of the question," Murdock
replied, a faint look of distaste flitting across his face. "Not only had he
been angered by Terrilian's refusal to accompany him-and another incident
involving her which I won't mention-but one of those who accompanied me was
Rathmore's man from first to last. I couldn't speak out without betraying my
own stance, and therefore had to stand there and watch Tammad walk away with
Terrilian as well as the two people sent from Central who were meant to
replace her. After that I used ill health as an excuse to leave all but one of
my aides behind in the embassy, supposedly to rest in orbit while they awaited
further orders from Central, and instead used a landing slip to visit the
community and plan our next move."

"Just a minute," I interrupted, frowning down into what was left of the bowl
of soup. I wasn't precisely upset, not when everything I'd heard sounded as
though it had happened to someone else, but something didn't fit in with what
I did remember. "You keep talking about a community on Rimilia, as though you
mean a Centran community of some kind, but I can't recall ever having heard of
a Centran community on that world. All I ever heard about was the Rimilian
barbarians."

"That's all anyone was supposed to hear about," Murdock said, a faint smile on
his face to match the satisfaction in his mind. "Our community on Rimilia
isn't a Centran -sponsored one, nor is it large enough or accessible enough
for even the natives to know about. It's made up almost entirely of empaths,
mostly of Centran stock but well leavened with the addition of Rimilian blood,
and was established generations before Rathmore and his cronies decided on the
world as a site for their complex. When we first learned of their plans we
nearly began an immediate campaign to sabotage their efforts, then decided wed
be best off allowing them to continue. We were, after all, already there. What
better position might we have to keep very close track of what they were
doing?

"At any rate, quite some time passed before our agent in Tammad's entourage
contacted us frantically by radio. He had reported from time to time of the
events transpiring around and about him, among which were Terrilian's
abduction by savages, her having been kept as a slave by the Hamarda, her
escape from the Hamarda across the desert to Grelana, her forced assistance to
the Chama of Grelana, her part in the breaking of the Chama's power, her
flight to Gerleth, her capture there, and finally her journey to Vediaster.
When Tammad and Terrilian and Cinnan, another Rimilian, were taken prisoner by
the then-Chama of Vediaster, Dallan, the fourth of their party who was also a
Prince of Gerleth, sent back word to his father the Chamd that he and his
companions were in dire need of assistance.

Cinnan's l'lendaa from Grelana and Tammad's l'lendaa joined the warriors of
Gerleth and all rode as fast as possible toward Vediaster, but by the time
they reached the city of Vediaster everything was over but the shouting. Those
who had opposed the former Chama had attacked her palace in force and, with
Terrilian's assistance, had defeated the hated ruler. Everyone was safe and
sound, and by the law of the land Terrilian was the new Chama, circumstances
which should have pleased all concerned. It certainly pleased the Rimilians,
but for some reason not quite clear to any of them, Terrilian wasn't equally
as, pleased. She had agreed to help out a short while until they chose someone
else to be Chama, had seemed to be honoring the agreement she'd made, and then
on the very day the small army of l'lendaa from Gerleth arrived, had suddenly
disappeared. No one had any idea where she might have gone, and then they
discovered shed taken a seetar and had ridden alone out of the city."

Murdock sighed and used the pause to swallow down more of the kimla, but that
wasn't all he used the pause for. He also spent a short time studying my face,
probably searching for some sign of returning memory, but there weren't any
returns for him to see a sign of. Everything still sounded as though it had
happened to someone else, and when he saw that he shrugged inside himself and
simply went on.

"Groups of 1'lendaa and w'wendaa began a search for her both inside and out of
the city, and one group, the one containing our agent, found something more
than the faint, cold trail they would have been willing to settle for. Once
they had left the city behind them, they were contacted by a completely
unexpected ally-the giant black seetar that was Tammad's usual mount. How the
beast had gotten out of the city no one seemed to know, but his recognition of
some of the riders had brought him from the forest surrounding the road the
riders were on, his thoughts positively frantic. Our agent was already
familiar with the seetar's emotion-symbol for Terrilian, and since most of the
agitation in the beast's mind centered around that symbol, he knew at once
that the seetar had seen her. He worked for a short while calming the beast,
then began the very difficult task of extracting what information he could. By
the time he was through he was exhausted, but was also certain he understood
what the seetar had been trying to tell them.

"Apparently he had seen Terrilian riding past him on another seetar, felt
confused as well as annoyed as to why she would do that, then decided to
follow her. She didn't go very far before she stopped, dismounted, and sat
down in the woods beside a tree, but before he was able to approach her she
suddenly fell over unconscious. He was trying to decide whether to go for
help-and how to get the only man he could count on to give that help-when two
strangers appeared, picked up the unconscious woman, and disappeared back into
the forest. He followed them to something that smelled a little like a sword
but was very large, watched them enter the thing, then had to stand helplessly
by while the thing rose silently into the sky and out of his reach. He waited
a short while to see if it would return, and when it didn't he started back
for the city to find help. The emotions signifying `high' and `gone' were so
clear to our agent, he lost no time calling us to say Amalgamation people had
taken Terrilian. "

"And how right he was," Ashton said with a snort and a flash of remembered
anger. "We located their private transport in orbit, and were able to lock
onto them before they left that orbit. If it hadn't taken them so long to get
around to leaving once they had the girl, we most probably would have missed
them completely. I wonder what they were so busy with, that it took them that
long to get started."

The question was put very casually and only to Murdock, but there was
something in the woman's mind that sneered faintly in my direction, and that
on top of the way she was pretending I wasn't there at all. I didn't have to
know what she was hinting at in order to resent it, but once again the option
of replying was taken from me by Murdock.

" They were certainly overconfident through being in orbit around an
undeveloped world," he said, his tone suggesting his guess was the only
reasonable one. "It never occurred to them there were others around who would
be able to detect them, so they took their time and no precautions at all. We
hadn't planned on using you as bait to help us find their hidden base of
operations, Terrilian, but once presented with the opportunity we could hardly
refuse to take it. We were in the midst of trying to decide whether it would
be possible to free you before we returned to our people with the news, when
our instruments told us you had effected your own escape. We sent people down
into the woods to intercept you, found you senseless from' the vicious beating
you'd been given, and quickly took you to this transport. Now, happily, you
are once again among your own."

The faint, icy smile he sent me was very familiar, so familiar it was probably
meant to distract me from what he'd said to the great amount of very real
satisfaction he was feeling. Unfortunately for his intentions, though, I was
too annoyed by the snide attitudes of his woman companion to be anything but
critical of what I'd been told. Murdock's narration was as neat and outwardly
complete as anything I'd ever heard from someone in the XenoDiplomacy Bureau,
but a small figure named logic was jumping up and down inside my head,
pointing eagerly and insistently at the gaping holes in the fabric so recently
constructed for my benefit.

"You know, I have the strangest feeling I've been told that before," I
remarked, doing my damnedest not to slump in the chair the way my body wanted
to. "I'm referring to your comment about me being among my own, Murdock, and I
also have the feeling I've doubted the sincerity of those who previously told
it to me. Maybe that's why I'm being so ungrateful as to feel no hesitation
about lumping you in along with the rest of them."
"A reaction like that is no more than to be expected after what you've so
recently gone through, child," the head of Central's XD Bureau said smoothly,
his mind as unconcerned and convincing as his expressionless expression. "When
one is forced to spend time among those who cannot under any circumstances be
trusted, one most naturally transfers the attitude to all who are thereafter
encountered. Only a lack of betrayal can serve to alter the attitude, so you
must expect to spend some time among us before. . . "

"Before easy explanations and overblown sentiments can blind me to the truth
again'?" I interrupted to ask, my brows raised with the question. "I've always
admired your ability to weave blindfolds, Murdock, but this time you were a
little sloppy. I wonder if that's because you thought I was hurting too much
to notice. I certainly hope it wasn't because you decided I would never notice
even under the best of circumstances. I've learned to resent having people
dismiss me like that."

"You're in no position to resent anything, girl!" the woman Ashton snapped
out, her mind filled with heavy annoyance rather than any sort of guilt or
regret, her light eyes hard. "Right now you owe your life to us, and you'd be
smart to understand you're not important enough for Murdock or anyone else to
bother lying to. All you Central bigwigs are alike, so full of yourselves you
think the universe stops and goes only when you press the switch. Once you've
been in my group for a while you'll learn better, and until then you'll keep
your mouth closed and your opinions to yourself!"

The woman's words started out heated and rose in temperature from there, her
mind reaching out toward mine and quickly surrounding it before beginning to
squeeze. Murdock was saying something in protest that both of us ignored, and
although I now knew the main reason the woman didn't care for me, that didn't
stop me from being as furious as she was. I'd taken all from her I intended
taking, and it was time to fight back.

The Prime Ashton Farley was sitting up and forward in her chair, her hands
clamped tight to the armrests, bracing herself physically for the mental
assault she was in the midst of. For me, just sitting there normally was
almost too hard, but then I didn't need to brace myself in order to drop my
curtain. Ashton's mind was strong and trying hard to impress me with that
strength, the pressure she exerted aimed toward making me ask her to stop-or
begging her to, which was probably more like it. The instant I dropped my
curtain I began exerting my own pressure outward, hard against her efforts but
not as hard as I could have. First I let her see what she was trying to
contain and then I flung her mind away from mine, more contemptuously than I
had ever done with anyone.

The woman had been very surprised when my mind didn't immediately quiver and
collapse under her efforts, but the surprise paled into shock when my curtain
disappeared to show her what she was working to hold down. She gasped and
tried to continue squeezing even as the blood drained from her face, choked as
she tried to throw herself back in the chair, but nothing happened the way she
wanted it to. When I thrust her away from me she was even beyond the ability
to scream, her mind clanging with shocked disbelief and fear, her body
shuddering and gasping. Her feet had been pushing at the floor to get her
farther away from the table, and when she had the chair facing far enough
away, she staggered to her feet and ran. There was silence for a moment after
that, and then Murdock brought his eyes and attention back to me, looking more
shaken than I had ever before seen him.

"You-appear a good deal less than wearied from that exchange, Terrilian," he
said, his thoughts whirling so fast I found it impossible to separate one
emotion from the next. "Ashton is one of the strongest we have, and yet you
bested her with almost no effort. We were told your abilities have grown over
the last months but details were not included, save that the process causing
the growth was far from pleasant. I dislike the implications of that, but-our
needs are too great to ignore any avenue presented us. Did
the-disagreement-harm you in any way? "

His cold gray eyes were now trying to look inside me, his mind so quickly
calmed and back under control that it was possible to believe he'd never lost
that control. I found myself just as impressed as ever, but not swayed in the
least.

"You know, Murdock, I really do wish you would stop trying to show how
concerned you are about me," I said, reaching for my unfinished cup of kimla.
"Every time you do it you remind me again about how you used me, so why don't
you just give it up? If you had an agent in with whatever group of people I
was with, you could have warned me about what was most likely going to happen.
That you didn't warn me means you were using me as bait, and were waiting for
me to be taken so that you and your friends could follow. The fact that you
were able to detect me in the forest means you were keeping close track of me
with some sort of tracer device, so don't even bother denying it. And that you
people who are my `own' were also prepared to abandon me in that place once
you had what you wanted is also pretty clear, since you made no effort to get
me out and only picked me up once I'd gotten myself out. Why don't you tell me
again how grateful I ought to be?"

Staring at him over my cup rim didn't show me anything but the same lack of
expression anyone ever saw, which wasn't the same as touching his mind. The
guilt he felt over what had been done was fully accepted, but neither that nor
the real, true pain he experienced ever reached his narrow, sunken face.

"You're completely correct, of course," he conceded, nodding fractionally. "To
warn you might have also given warning to our enemies, but that's neither here
nor there. We used you as necessary to gain the ends we simply had to gain,
but would not have forever abandoned you to your fate. You are one of us,
child, and would have been freed as quickly as we organized our people and
attacked. What you were made to suffer is certainly. . . "

"Regrettable?" I finished for him, replacing my cup on the table. "It was
that, all right, but it was also something a lot worse than you'll ever be
able to understand. `Abandoned' is a good word, but you'll have to remind me
some day to give you the emotions that go along with the word. The experience
should be-an experience. I'd like to know now what world you intend dropping
me off on, so I can begin making plans. In consideration of everything that's
happened, I don't think we would be wise to spend any more time in each
other's company than absolutely necessary."

"Terrilian, I thought you understood you'd be returning with us to Rimilia,"
he said with a frown, disturbance now touching his mind. "Not only have we an
attack to plan and carry out, but Tammad must be told that you're safe. He'll
most certainly be beside himself with worry, and once your memories have
returned you'll know. . . "

"Please, Murdock, I'd really rather not hear any more about that," I
interrupted impatiently, beginning to start the process of getting to my feet.
"If your narration was meant to show me anything other than that I want
nothing to do with this Tammad of yours, you failed to accomplish your aim.
The man `buys' me without any regard to what feelings I might have on the
subject, kidnaps me and forces me to go with him when even you knew I didn't
want to, and then concerns himself so little with me that all sorts of
horrendous things are able to happen to me. This is the person I'm supposed to
be concerned about? Somehow I think not. As far as your attack goes, I'll
probably join in just to make sure there won't be anyone left to come after me
again but once it's done there will be an absolute parting of the ways between
us. Do you understand me?"

Having managed to stand-with the help of the table edge-I looked up at him,
and for once his cold gray eyes were mirroring the throbbing pain his mind
sent out. He wanted to argue with me, reason with me, talk and talk until I
saw things his way, but the pain refused to allow that.

"I understand," he said in the softest of voices, a two word admission of
total defeat, and when I let go of the table and headed back for my cabin, no
other words followed me.

1(r)

I wouldn't have asked for the help I could have used in getting back to my
cabin, which means I barely made it to the bed before I was asleep. How it's
possible to sleep when you're hurting that much I still don't understand,
unless it's more a matter of passing out than sleeping. Whatever it was I
indulged in it for quite a while, then awoke to find myself out of the light
brown uniform and under the covers again. I hadn't been able to get out of the
uniform on my own, and had just collapsed onto the bed still in it. Its being
gone told me Id had visitors while I was out, which supported the unconscious
as opposed to asleep theory. I didn't care for the idea much-the unrealized
visitors, that is-and decided I'd have to see if there was anything to be done
about avoiding such deep lack of consciousness in the future.

I stirred in the bed and then began to sit up, trying to find out if being out
of things so completely had at least helped me a little, finding myself
surprised when I discovered it had helped a good deal more than a little.
Sitting up didn't hurt at all, no more than faint stiffness and a shadow of
aches whispering from somewhere in an effort to get my attention. They weren't
getting my attention, at least not much of it, and that made the dim transport
cabin around me almost as pleasant as a sunny day in springtime. I took a deep
breath and stretched a little, enjoying being able to do it again, then
reached out with my mind to learn where the others were-

And ran into   nothing but blankness. I stiffened where I sat, as tense as the
woman Ashton   had been during our fight, trying to understand what had gone
wrong. I was   awake, I knew I was awake, but I couldn't reach anyone or
anything-not   the slightest murmur or overtone-just the way it had been in the
complex-

Just the way it had been in the complex. I leaned back again onto one elbow,
not knowing whether to be hysterical or furious, my thoughts so violently
entwined with my emotions that I couldn't separate them. It was fairly obvious
my clothing wasn't the only thing that had been taken from me while I was
unconscious, and I didn't have to wonder why. People are always afraid of what
they can't control, especially if that item has previously indicated it isn't
feeling very friendly toward them, and fear doesn't invariably paralyze.
Sometimes it pushed its victims into action, possibly badly thought out and
hasty, but action nevertheless. My-`own' had been pushed into action, and now
I was turned off.

Turned off. Through the anger I felt that phrase began signaling in some way,
almost like a frantically waving hand trying to get my attention. I remembered
having the fleeting impression back at the complex that that phrase meant
something important to me, represented something I ought to know and think
about. If I'd been talking to someone else I would have snapped out
impatiently that it didn't mean anything, it was only two words that described
the condition I was now suffering from, a condition inflicted on me by my
"friends."

But a condition it shouldn't be possible to suffer from. I stiffened again as
the realization came, a flood of protest from the part of me that normally
engaged in arguing against things that were accepted as truth but were
patently not so. How do you turn off one of your senses? that part of me
demanded, a thought I knew I'd had before even if I couldn't remember when. To
turn off your hearing you had to plug your ears, to turn off sight you needed
a blindfold, to avoid smell you had to hold your nose, and to keep from
touching things you needed gloves. Keeping things out of your mouth took care
of taste-in the absence of strong odors, that is-but without using special
means, senses could not be turned off. To keep them from working you had to
block them off, shield them from what was around them, interrupt the flow of
data-

Shield. The single word-thought set me sitting up straight again, feeling more
like an imbecile than anything else. That, of course, had to be it, but it had
taken me so long to see even with all the clues I'd had! That Prime Jer-Mar,
the one I'd insulted in the low dining room. How many times had he mentioned
in passing that he couldn't "reach" me with his strength, not even when he was
furious? None of the Primes at the complex knew about shields, none of them
used one, and even Kel-Ten's amazement over the one I'd shown him hadn't rung
any real bells. I was stupid, that's what I was, which is a hell of a lot
worse than just being ignorant. Conditioning or no conditioning, I should have
realized a lot sooner that the only way to "turn off" an empath is to key a
shield into being around his or her mind.

"With intelligence like yours, you would have made a good brain surgeon," I
muttered to myself, moving my legs under the cover so that I could sit
cross-legged and lean my arms on my knees. "Are you going to test the theory,
or just sit here and admire it for the rest of your life?"

I didn't quite sigh at the question I'd asked myself, but only because I would
rather have put off answering it for a while. The theory was sound, no
argument there, but I had a fairly good idea of how many sound theories never
worked out in practice. I really needed it to work out, but that didn't mean
it would; all it meant was that I had to try as soon as possible, even if
there was nothing but disappointment waiting for me as a result. After all,
disappointment wasn't all that bad or unbearable, not with all the practice
I'd had living with it . . . .

The second time I did sigh, but that was only a necessary prelude to making
the effort that had to be made. If there was a shield imposed around my mind I
was the only one who could be generating it, which meant it was subject to me
and my decision to banish it. Theory, theory, that was the theory, but how do
you make something go away that you never asked for in the first place?
Banishing a shield-banishing it wasn't the hard part, letting it form to begin
with was harder. You had to encourage it to come nearer to form it, but to
banish it you just

Let it drop. It was almost like taking sound-deadeners off my ears at first,
but in an inexplicable way was more than that. Even that drab cabin brightened
in color, I could breathe deeply and freely again, and best of all could feel
the presence of other minds on the transport. I was free of the Shackles
they'd tried to put on me, and couldn't help grinning at the thought that
those particular shackles should never work again. I was awake, but hadn't
been "turned on" with the usual keying word or phrase. Two "offs" in a row
shouldn't work with conditioning any more than it did with a mechanical
switch, but that was a theory I was in no hurry to test. What I did instead
was allow the shield to form again, that light shield I could see through when
I tried-and had seen through, the strange impressions I'd had in the complex
proving that-then got up to look for the clothes that had been taken from me.
Ever since my eyes had opened I'd been feeling as though I were starving, and
I was suddenly eager to see how my dear friends would treat their poor,
helpless little capt-ah-guest.

When I left my cabin the single table in the common room was neatly set but
unoccupied, which I took to mean that it was waiting for me. As soon as I sat
down the steward appeared, looking faintly startled but making no attempt to
refuse the food order I gave him. It didn't take him long to return with my
meal, which meant I was able to get more than halfway through it before two
people came out of the passageway that led to or from the command deck.
Murdock McKenzie was being helped by his friend Ashton Farley again, but I
paid very little attention to them until they were both settled at the table.
By then I was ready to acknowledge the fact that I couldn't eat any more, so I
simply pushed my plate away, picked up my cup of kimla, then leaned back to
stare at Murdock while I sipped in silence.

"Whether or not you're prepared to believe me, I'm glad to see that you appear
better than you were yesterday," Murdock offered, the words a shade calmer and
more quiet than usual. "The doctor was furious with us -for allowing you to
leave your bed, but happily it did you no real harm. Would you like an
explanation of why it was necessary to do-what else-was done to you?"

"Not really," I answered, holding my cup in the fingertips of both hands. "I'm
more interested in what you intend doing next-and also in hearing more of how
terribly concerned you are about me. And you are concerned, aren't you,
Murdock?"

"It so happens that's exactly what he is," the woman Ashton put in when the
man I stared at didn't respond, at least not in words. That pain I'd seen the
last time we'd spoken was there again, and maybe that was why I shifted my
gaze to the high and mighty female Prime. She was looking at me with a good
deal less than sisterly love, a reaction I more than shared.

"Not that it will do any good telling you this," she went on, "but the only
reason we were near New Dawn long enough to pick you up is that Murdock
refused to just leave. He kept arguing with the rest of us, trying to convince
us we had to do something to get you out of there, even though he knew as well
as we did that there wasn't anything we could do. I kept telling him he was
just wasting time, and then when you turned up in the woods I understood that
was exactly what he'd been doing: wasting time to give you a chance to do what
we couldn't. How long do you think you would have lasted out there if he
hadn't given you that chance?"

Her question was surprisingly calm considering what had previously gone on
between us, but there was a faint bitterness behind it that I could just feel
filtering through my shield. Her light eyes were making no effort to avoid
mine, which meant I could see the brief flash of surprise in them when I made
a sound of scorn.

"That touching story is very-touching, but what do you expect it to
accomplish?" I asked in turn, making it clear that now I was holding her gaze.
"Am I supposed to be so overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness and loyalty that I
stop thinking and just emote? You told me he made everyone wait around when
they didn't want to, so would you like to tell me what he was making them wait
for? I didn't know there was anyone out here waiting to pick me up if I got
out of the complex, so what good did his delaying tactics really do me? It was
pure luck I was not only forced to run, but also able to do it when I had to.
If he makes a habit of expecting the intervention of luck like that, you're
all a bunch of fools for listening to him."

"You don't know anything about us at all, do you?" the woman asked, her sudden
frown and faint pity making it my turn to be surprised. "You're one of us, no
possible doubt about that, but you haven't the faintest idea of what you're
one of. There are a number of us who had to leave the community at a very
young age and grow up elsewhere, but we always knew who we were and who we
came from. I don't know why they did it differently with you, hadn't realized
they did do it differently, and don't much like it. Of course my brother was
counting on luck like that, but we aren't fools for listening to him. When he
gets the feeling something wildly improbable will happen, it usually does. His
only mistake was in thinking we had to make it happen, when we had no real
part in it. Sometimes his talent works like that."

Just a minute or so earlier I'd been all ready with a large number of words,
each one designed to tell those people exactly what I thought of them. The
words were still inside my head somewhere, still bouncing with indignation and
huffiness, but they were no longer first in line and maybe not even second. I
don't like revelations, especially startling ones, and too much of what I'd
just heard fell into the wide-eyed, what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about
category.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded almost at once, only
glancing in the direction of Murdock, who wasn't looking at me. "He can't be
your brother, you don't even have the same last names. And what do you mean,
his `talent'? Murdock's from Central, and he doesn't have a talent."

"Murdock grew up and lives on Central, but like the rest of us he was born in
the community," the woman Ashton corrected, and if she wasn't the sort to be
gentle, she had no trouble managing patience. "Of course he and I have
different last names, we were raised in different places by people who have no
connection with each other except for wanting to be sure we don't all end up
living in chains. Our natural parents don't use last names, so those of us
raised away from the community simply keep the last names we grew up with when
we go back. As for Murdock's talent-our people were very upset when he wasn't
born an empath, and with both Rimilian and Centran blood in him couldn't
understand why he wasn't. They didn't know about his talent until he learned
to talk, I'm told, but it was so strong and definite in him that they began
checking others for the same thing. They discovered then that quite a few of
us have it, but none are able to be quite as accurate as my brother. When he
gets a flash of prescience, it usually can't be argued with. "

This time I turned my head to look directly at Murdock, vaguely wondering why
he still wasn't looking at me. There wasn't the least expression on his narrow
face, but it was almost as though he were ashamed of what I'd just been told.
The pride Id heard in Ashton's voice made his attitude something I couldn't
understand, which only added to the crowding in the compartment of my mind
meant to hold confusion.

"I think you can see now why his making us wait really was for your benefit,"
Ashton went on, unbothered by the fact that I was no longer looking at her.
"None of us could imagine how you could possibly get out of there, most
especially with all that conditioning they use, but Murdock's talent kept us
from giving up and leaving. And he was the only one of us who didn't want you
turned off again, too. We insisted because we can't afford to have someone
with your strength walking around thinking we're practically blood enemies,
but it will only be until we get you home to the community. Once you share
that with us and know you're one of us, you'll also know that what we did was
in no way uncaring use or abandonment."

I didn't need my abilities to know the woman believed everything she was
saying, believed it deeply even though she didn't expect me to believe. My
innermost thoughts were carefully searching everything I'd been told, looking
for loopholes and inconsistencies and flaws running counter to simple logic,
but I suddenly realized I didn't expect them to find any. What I'd been told
was what the people telling it considered the absolute truth, and then
something else came to me with the same feeling of total conviction.

"Murdock, there's something bothering you that has nothing to do with what
Ashton just told me," I said, the statement considerably softer than the words
I'd previously addressed to him. "I'm too confused right now to know what to
think, but this is a point I'm not uncertain about. I think you have something
else to talk about-that I won't be terribly happy to hear."

"Intuition that accurate is almost certainly much more than mere intuition,"
he answered, a faint smile curving his lips before he turned his head to look
directly at me again. Once he did I could see that the smile wasn't reflected
in his eyes, a lack that made me even more uneasy than his words. "Terrilian,
child, there's one important point you haven't yet commented on or
questioned," he said, something of a sigh behind the words. "Both Ashton and I
have told you you're one of us, but you haven't yet asked how that could be.
It's possible you don't believe us, or perhaps so much else has been told you
that you haven't yet gotten around to considering the contention. Will you do
me the favor of thinking about it now?"

Reaching through my shield showed that Ashton was puzzled and concerned,
undoubtedly because of the way Murdock's mind was behaving. He was absolutely
determined to go through with discussing what he had begun on, but the rest of
him was so filled with the desire to avoid the subject that he was just about
trembling inside. From Ashton's reaction I could see I wasn't the only one who
wasn't used to seeing Murdock like that, but at least I had his request as a
partial distraction.

"I don't really know what to think about it," I admitted, finally remembering
I held a cup of kimla I could drink from. "Murdock, have you forgotten that I
know my parents even though they didn't raise me? They were the ones who
turned me over to the Centran government so that I could be raised in a creche
with other empaths like myself. The authorities considered them my parents,
and with all the checking routinely done, I don't consider it likely that they
weren't."

"Terrilian, we were expecting and prepared for all that checking, that's why
it showed the authorities nothing we didn't want it to show," he answered,
gray eyes still sober, mind still burdened. "Not many of our people have ever
been placed on Central itself, but not because doing the placing was all that
difficult. Keeping in contact with them was the hard part, making sure they
didn't forget us-or talk about us when they were too young to realize what
danger the talking would put us all in. We usually provided one older friend
and confidante to support them with understanding companionship until they
were old enough to be discreet, and then they were told the truth about where
they came from. Once they knew, they were able to make occasional visits back
to the community, to grow closer to those they came from, but, child-none of
them were ever Primes."

"Central tends to spoil Primes for any position lower than Ruler Of All
Creation," Ashton put in, her tone dry, her thoughts totally disapproving.
"We've had Primes raised on other worlds relocate to Central, and after a
couple of years there, there was no living or getting along with them. When
the time came to pull them out of public life and bring them home for good to
keep them from disappearing forever into what we then thought of as a
Prime-maw, the very first thing they tried on the very first day was taking
over direction of the community. They didn't need or want to join any of our
training classes, they just wanted to run everything in sight because they
were so special. They had to be flattened hard before they listened to
anything told them, and with most the lesson had to be repeated more than
once."

"Which should explain the rather-cool reception you had from Ashton at the
very beginning," Murdock said, the faintest of smiles on his face. "She
herself took over heading our training program only after she was convinced
she really was the strongest and most advanced in the community, and most of
the difficulty she mentioned-and more she didn't mention-became hers to
contend with. But we seem to have strayed from the point

I was attempting to make. What few empaths were placed on Central itself we
kept in touch with, and none of those were Primes. Should you accept our
contention that you were, indeed, born in our community, then your first
question must be obvious."

"Overly obvious," I agreed, but only to the comment he'd made. I still wasn't
anywhere near convinced that what they thought was true really was the truth,
but to continue the discussion the point had to be conceded. "If everyone
placed on Central was kept in touch with and wasn't a Prime, then what was I
doing there without a friend on the world?"

"Exactly," Murdock said, a totally unnecessary counteragreement-which had been
forced on him by all that reluctance. "In order for you to have been placed
there in virtual-abandonment-someone must have caused standard practice to be
discarded in your case, someone whose opinion carried enough weight to
override any objections made. There were objections aplenty, I can tell you,
and the debate raged on for quite a while, but in the end the needs of
everyone in the Amalgamation had to come first. You were taken away from your
real parents, placed with people who could pass you off as theirs, then were
left to grow up without ever being told what had been done."

"A heinous crime if there ever was one," I muttered, really beginning to be
worried about the state of his mind. "Murdock, I'm more than willing to admit
how lonely I've been most of my life, and I'm also willing to bitterly accuse
anyone who was responsible for making that happen to me. What I'm not quite up
to is making it the absolute tragedy of the ages, especially since I have no
idea what growing up among my `own' would have been like. I was dissatisfied
on Central and very alone, but Central isn't the only world I've ever seen and
I've never found one I thought I'd like better. If you want the complete
truth, I'd rather believe I've been lonely all this time because my true
companionship was callously and heartlessly stolen from me-not because there's
no one anywhere I'd get along with and like, a concept I've toyed with a few
times over the years. I'm at this moment willing to bet even the deck plates
of this transport have figured out that you're the one who caused me to be put
where I was, so can't we stop the bush-beating and get on to whatever's
rattling your mind like a shack in a windstorm?"

"You're not believing any of this," Murdock said, really looking at me for the
first time in many minutes, his light eyes narrowed. "No one could be so
cold-bloodedly reasonable after being told their entire life was the result of
someone else's manipulation, most especially not when they're also an empath.
Damn it, Terrilian, I will not have you humoring me!"

"You prefer the thought of being accused?" I asked, blinking just a little at
the way he'd nearly raised his voice. I'd also rarely heard him swear like
that before, and found it disconcerting. "Yes, I can see you would prefer
being accused, to help bleed off all that guilt you're feeling. It's fairly
clear you think you're telling me the truth, Murdock, and for all I know it
might be true. My only problem right now is that I'm not accepting any of
this, not the least, smallest part. I feel as though I'm walking through a
very clear dream, parts of my past just as uncertain as most of my future.
When and if I get my memories back that might change, but your best bet would
be to get every painful confession off your chest right now, while I'm still
unlikely to get hysterical. And if a time comes when I am prepared to believe,
having heard it earlier just might make it easier to accept."

"I hadn't thought of that, and you may very well be correct," Murdock said
with faint surprise, now more thoughtful than upset. "There's a saying about
even the darkest of days being brighter than the lightest of nights, and this
may be a prime example of the brightness in the dark. "

"Did you say a Prime example, Murdock?" I asked, sipping my kimla in relief at
seeing the awful agonizing loosening its hold on him just a little. "Most
people would be ashamed, but I don't think diplomats are really considered
people."

"That was most inappropriate, young woman," he came back with lowered brows
while Ashton half groaned and half chuckled. "You will do me the courtesy of
waiting until I'm free of distractions before offering a bout of verbal
fencing. As you stated, I am indeed the one who caused you to be done as none
before you, but that's no more than a part of my-concern over the matter. You
were a lovely infant full of a great deal of promise, but the moment I first
looked at you I knew you must be sent away from us-without being told, like
the others, that you did indeed belong somewhere. Considering who you were
that in itself would have been bad enough, but the fact of the matter is-I
wasn't able to give any concrete reasons for doing such a thing. The need for
it was so overwhelming I was able to argue down anyone who disagreed, but
Terrilian-to this day I have no real idea whether or not I was correct. The
possibility remains that you were severed from your rightful heritage for no
good reason at all, and that's what I felt you should know. What was done to
you was my fault, but worse than thatI can't justify it."

The cold gray eyes were looking at me with no attempt on his part to move
them, no attempt on his part to avoid seeing whatever condemnation I felt it
necessary to show. It's possible for some people to do terribly heartless and
low things without feeling guilty, but only if they have a really good reason
to justify, at least to themselves, having done those things. What was causing
Murdock's agonizing was the fact that he had no such reason, and to an odd,
strangely detached way, I was almost beginning to believe his story.

"But Murdock, didn't we find New Dawn because of her?" Ashton asked, reaching
over to put a hand on his arm in an attempt to ease the pain. "If shed known
about us like the others, we would have brought her home before she could be
taken, leaving us knowing nothing more than we knew then. Couldn't that be the
reason you did what you did?"

"I wish it were," the man answered with a sigh, patting the hand on his arm
without looking at the woman the hand belonged to. "We were almost to the
point of using a volunteer, one properly conditioned to forget all about us,
of course, but when Terrilian was taken while we were in a position to follow
immediately-as we'd hoped we would be-we did that instead. Ever since the
possibility first came up I've been sniffing around it hoping to find that it
was the reason I hadn't been able to discover earlier, but I'm afraid it
isn't. When you come across the real reason behind something you did while
acting blindly, you know it without any doubt. This, my dear, unfortunately
isn't it."

"What did you mean when you said, `considering who I was'?" I asked, finding
the phrase standing out in my memory. I'd been very detached from the whole
thing at the beginning of our discussion, but I felt myself being drawn more
and more deeply inward with every new thing I heard. I was starting to believe
I'd be much better off all alone in my cabin, but the part of me I'd been
having so much trouble with lately had asked a question I couldn't escape
having answered.

"Terrilian, child, this all started only moments after you were born," Murdock
said, the gentle words an odd contrast to his usual expressionless ness. "The
reason I was there to see you at all, let alone that quickly, was because you
were the firstborn of my youngest sister. I knew your mother better than any
of my other brothers and sisters because, unlike the rest of us, she wasn't
gone very long from the settlement. From the moment she first began walking
and talking, she also began fighting against life in a creche, finally making
it necessary for her `parents' to take her back. No planet ever releases an
empathetic child unless he or she is considered not only incorrigible, but
also unable to learn what's being taught. Your mother flatly refused to learn,
flatly refused to let them force her to learn, and therefore ended up back in
the community before she was ten years old. She spent a day or so looking
around and getting acquainted with our real parents, then settled in without
argument or fuss. It seems she approved of the settlement a good deal more
than she did the creche, but that doesn't mean she never argued or fussed
again."

"Is that why she was married to one of the recruited Rimilians, instead of one
of the men of the community?" Ashton asked, a grin of amusement now on her
face. "I'd always thought it was simply good luck for the rest of us, since no
one ever told me that story before. Irin could have had my place, if shed
worked at developing a little more self-control."

"Irindel has always had her own priorities in life, and has also always
pursued them in preference to anyone else's," Murdock returned, his faint
smile back. "And marriage with Rissim was completely her choice, just as most
of everything else occurring around her has been. 1f she had been stronger
when I first spoke of what had to be done with her infant, I truly believe she
would have ended me somehow, to keep me from convincing the others of the
necessity. She has never quite forgiven me, but has left active acrimony for
the time when we discover whether or not I was right. If events fail to
justify what I caused to be done, I'll have no need to worry about guilt
plaguing me."

"Yes, that certainly sounds like our sister," Ashton said with wry agreement,
then moved her gaze to me. "And must also account for why Terrilian there
seemed so familiar to me right from the first. She looks only a little like
Irin, but that irritating mental attitude is very nearly a carbon copy. Well,
girl, don't you have anything to say? Not even a polite hello for your
newly-found but loving aunt?"

Ashton seemed to be rather amused, and I could have sworn that what was
causing her amusement was a memory of the fight wed had the day before. I
really did wish I could find things just as funny, but suddenly I was feeling
worse than I had when I'd awakened in the complex. Id believed for so long
that I knew all about myself, but the skepticism 1 d begun with had faded to a
ghost of its former strength, what was left being too weak and transparent to
support the weight of my growing doubt.
"Are you distressed to learn we all share the same blood, child?" Murdock
asked, no sign of Ashton's amusement in him. "You've no need to acknowledge
those blood ties, you know, most especially not where I'm concerned. You may
continue to think of me with whatever enmity you wish, for as long as you
wish, just as your mother has done. I've never needed to be protected from the
strength of her mind, of course, but only because she does have rather tight
control of herself when she feels the occasion warrants it. She's pledged
herself to wait before taking vengeance on me, and can usually be counted on
to keep her word."

"Something we'll have to find out about you before we can turn you loose
again," Ashton said, taking Murdock's sobriety when she found he wouldn't
share her amusement. "My brother may be guilty of everything he told you about
and lots more besides, but none of us wants to lose him-or any of the others
who were talked into agreeing with him. I don't know where you got the
strength you have, girl, but it isn't something we can play around with.
You'll have to convince us you can and will hold yourself in check, and then
we'll be able to welcome you the way you should be welcomed."

"Welcomed," I repeated, discovering that the word had been said and echoed so
much in my mind that it no longer had any meaning for me. I was staring down
at the table we all sat around, groping for a solid reality I could throw my
arms around to anchor me in the windstorm I'd been tossed to, but there was
nothing in reach. I was like my mother, they'd said, my mother-not that
strange woman I'd never felt any link to, but my own, real, actual, warm
person.

"You don't have to worry about my self-control," I said, aiming the words in
Ashton's direction without actually looking at her. "If there's one thing I've
managed to learn, it's control over what I can do. As long as I stay shielded
or curtained, I won't be a danger to anyone."

"Just a minute!" she came back, the words sharp as I began pushing myself away
from the table and to my feet. "How do you know about shields, and what do you
mean by `curtained'? If you think what you said is enough to get us to release
you, you really must be . . . '

"I'm already awake," I interrupted, telling it with a lot less scorn and
satisfaction than I'd expected to, raising my eyes to look at her frowning
astonishment. "I don't need anyone to turn me loose, because I've already
figured out how to do it for myself. And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to
be alone for a while. There's so much-!"

I couldn't go on in words with explaining how I felt, but I dropped my shield
for an instant just to show I could-and to briefly share what I couldn't speak
about. Ashton made a sound of strangled pain and put her hand out to me as she
rose from her chair, her face suddenly full of tragedy, but that wasn't what I
wanted or needed. Those who are used to being alone have to work things out
that way-alone-before they can possibly discuss it with others. Even if the
topic for discussion is no longer needing to be alone. I turned away from the
two people who had told me so much, and went slowly back to my cabin.



Chapter 11

"Stop bothering me," I said for what seemed like the ten-thousandth time,
finding it impossible to keep the annoyance out of my voice. "If you're trying
to find the limits of my self-control, be smart and take my word for the fact
that you're almost there."
"It's very bad manners to be so high-handed with people who are only trying to
help you," Ashton came back, her own annoyance reaching for the heights mine
had already achieved. "The doctor said you're doing a lot better than he'd
expected you to, but you should still be taking it easy, preferably in bed.
Instead of that you've been wandering all over the transport, and now you
insist on going down in the slip with Murdock. Why can't you wait the hour or
two until we're home?"

"From what you people yourselves have told me, Murdock can't be trusted to be
alone with Rimilians," I returned, looking down at the bland
expressionlessness of the subject of my comments with very little
friendliness. "If he is left alone with them, he seems to get this
overwhelming urge to sell things-like me, for instance. I'm just going along
to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"But my brother can't sell you again," Ashton pointed out with a purr while
Murdock used one finger to rub gently at his lips, trying to keep the
amusement off his face. "You belong to someone else now, so if there's any
selling to be done Murdock won't have a part in it. What if we promise to let
you know the instant any deals are concluded?"

"That's very funny," I said with no expression at all, staring unblinkingly at
her grin. "And also please accept my congratulations. You've just put yourself
one step away from being on my "flatten first" list, right along with the ones
who run the complex on New Dawn. 1 didn't think I'd find anyone outside the
Amalgamation government with enough talent to achieve that."

I turned away from them both with that, and went to sit in a chair by myself
until the transfer slip was ready for boarding. Murdock had a couple of men
hovering a short distance away who would take over Ashton's job of helping him
for a while, but that didn't mean Ashton had no intentions of going along with
him. The slip would be landing in the courtyard of the palace in the city of
Vediaster, and Murdock had said something about considering it prudent if he
had a woman with him.

The steward materialized in front of me with a tray holding cups of kimla, but
a shake of my head continued him on his way to the others in the common area.
I was no more in the mood for eating and drinking than I'd been for the last
few days, and as was becoming usual, as soon as I stopped thinking of other
things and talking to other people, my mind began working on its own. I not
only had what I'd been told about my supposed beginnings to clamor at me, I
was also starting to remember some of what the New Dawn people had conditioned
me into forgetting.

I stirred in my chair as flashes of Vediaster began coming through again, a
time that seemed to be composed of no more than various levels of
unpleasantness and unhappiness. Faces flashed in front of me, women's faces
with names like Farian and Leelan and Deegor and Relgon and Roodar and Siitil.
Some of the faces carried the sense of being friends, other the feel of
enemies, but even the moment of triumph I could almost reach had an overimage
of some sort of pain and loss. I'd been in that city for no more than a short
while, but not one of the memories coming back to me was a happy one.

And yet, I was supposed to be Chama of the place, the Rimilian word meaning
something like "absolute ruler of all." That triumph I couldn't quite recall
had won me the position, but it hadn't been something Id been trying for
because I wanted it. It seemed to have just happened, and I'd seen clearly
enough that I had to go down there with Murdock to tell the people involved
that I wasn't going to keep the position. I knew I owed them that much, and
simply sending a note or word of my intentions wouldn't have been right, even
if that's what I would have preferred doing.

I sighed as I moved in the chair again, but the sound had more than a little
impatience and annoyance to it, two emotions I would have enjoyed being able
to avoid for a while. The previous days had practically been made of
impatience and annoyance, not to mention indecision and uncertainty and doubt
and fear, all wrapped up into one big ball of upset. I didn't know if what
Murdock had told me was true, and didn't even know if I wanted it to be true;
all I could do was go to where they were taking me and try to find out about
all of it. My emotions had taken quite a beating at first, as I worked at
imagining what it would be like to meet people who were supposed to be my
parents; would I want to know them, would I like the looks of them, would they
like and want to know me? Those and a thousand other questions had kept me
going around and around for hours, not one of them the sort I could answer but
all still refusing to leave me alone. I'd finally fallen asleep in exhaustion,
and when I'd awakened I'd found the strength to push away questions and flying
emotions alike. When I got there Id know the truth and could then make
decisions, so all I had to do was wait until I got there.

All. I put my hand to my hair as I fought to keep the impatience and annoyance
behind my curtain where it belonged, convinced that to use the word "all" with
the concept of waiting was like using the phrase "a little" with the concept
of dying a horrible death. I'd started out doing the waiting in my cabin,
found that my thoughts were taking advantage of the solitude, and so had left
the cabin to find something to occupy my attention. What I had found,
unfortunately, had been Ashton and Murdock and the others, all hovering around
and anxious to help make me feel better. When I refused to discuss their
community they accepted my decision, but that was the only thing they were
willing to be reasonable about. All of them including Ashton began fussing
over me and refused to stop, and Murdock decided to explain why he really had
no choice about dropping in on Vediaster for a very brief time.

"If you like, you may consider it a matter of honor," he'd said, looking up at
me from his special chair with a faint smile on his face. "As I was the one
who arranged your banding by Tammad, and inasmuch as I know precisely how
worried he is about you, I have no other choice than to inform him of your
safe recovery. He'll certainly want to see you, so I will most likely bring
him back hereto. . . "

"No," I'd interrupted at once, for some reason feeling that the last place I
wanted to see the object of Murdock's concern was on a transport. "I tell you
I don't know the man, and don't want to know him. From what you've said he
could decide to take me away from you again, just as he did once before, and
in order to stop him Id probably have to hurt him. Is that what you want? To
see him hurt because of your concept of honor?"

"Terrilian, child, you mustn't hurt him," Murdock had said, an odd look in his
cold gray eyes, an even stranger feel to the tenor of his thoughts. "I truly
believed Tammad would be the first thing you remembered, knowing as I do what
your own feelings for him are. If you cause him harm, you'll likely never
forgive yourself. Hasn't there been enough pain in this episode for everyone
involved? His love for you is quickly becoming legend on Rimilia, and you need
only allow him enough time to remind you of your own love for him. Surely such
a small thing . . . "

I'd turned around and walked away from Murdock at that point, unwilling to
listen to any more of his diplomatic attempts at matchmaking. Did he think I
was an idiot who didn't realize that if I was in love with someone, he would
certainly be the first thing I remembered? All I could feel was the way my
mind held the offered folder marked "Tammad" at arm's length, as though it had
no interest in letting it come nearer, and that was good enough for me. All I
wanted to know about right then was the community Murdock said was mine as
well as his and Ashton's, and I didn't need some love-struck barbarian trying
to distract me.

"If you're going with us, now's the time," Ashton's voice came abruptly,
bringing me back from the recent past. "The transfer slip is ready to go, and
so are the rest of us. And if you don't take it really easy down there, the
doctor'll have a fit. A couple of those bloody welts on your back haven't
closed all the way, and if you rip them open he'll do the same to Murdock's
throat and mine for letting you go down with us. I don't want you taking a
stroll anywhere unless I'm with you, and that's an order. "

"Ashton, try to remember you're supposed to be my aunt, not my mother," I came
back, barely glancing at her as I got to my feet. "If you're suffering from
role confusion, you'll be best off staying away from me for a while. Hanging
around will only make it worse."

"Once we get home, you'll learn the difference between hanging around and
being in charge, honey," she answered with a grin, having no trouble keeping
herself from feeling insulted. "And remind me to have a word with you about
eating when we're back aboard. The doctor isn't happy about your trim little
figure, and I got him to let me talk to you before he loses his patience, ties
you down and starts stuffing your face with edibles. I've known that mild
little man for years, and never realized before that he had such a violent
side to his nature."

"That mild little man is almost as much of a pain   in the neck as you are," I
said, following behind Murdock and his assistants   at the slow pace necessary
to keep from running them down. "I'm beginning to   remember how I used my
ability to get rid of someone else who was a pain   in the neck once, and if he
doesn't leave me alone he's going to find out all   about it-first hand."

"It isn't his job to leave you alone," Ashton returned, but with a distracted
tone to her voice. "It's his job to pester the life out of you until you're so
desperate you get better just to get rid of him. Terrilian, once we're home
we're going to have to sit down with a couple of other people, and talk about
your ability and how you've been learning to use it. That curtain trick, for
instance, and how you developed the strength you have. We need to know
whatever you can tell us, especially with the attack against New Dawn so near.
That won't ruin things for you as far as getting to know the community goes,
will it?"

I turned my head to see the way she was looking at me, her mind involved with
three or four different lines of thought, but her surface concern supporting
only the question shed asked. She had meant the question seriously no matter
how much amusement she got out of bothering me about other things, and the
headshake I gave for an answer brought her more satisfaction than it did me.
Whether anything in particular would have to ruin my experience with the
community-aside from just being there-was a topic I didn't care to consider
right then, which meant I paid a lot of attention to getting aboard the
transfer slip.

The trip down to Rimilia's surface in general and Vediaster in particular
didn't seem to take very long, but only because I'd lost the battle against
not thinking about the community. I didn't slip so far that I let my mind
tangle with specific worries, but that still meant I looked up to find that
everyone was getting ready to leave our transportation. Ashton was talking to
Murdock as he struggled to his feet, telling him something that her mind said
wasn't very important, and it was all I could do to keep from insisting that
they hurry. I refused to guess about what was waiting for me in the place they
called the community, but I was almost painfully anxious to get there and find
out what it would be.

I could feel a large number of minds waiting outside even before the slip ramp
opened and extended; disembarking brought sight of them all, as well as of the
newcomers who were streaming up in smaller and larger bunches to see what was
going on. It was a warm, pleasant, sunny day on that planet, the air smelling
fresh and clean, but the level of astonishment and surprise and curiosity
coming out of the largely female welcoming committee made me glad my curtain
was firmly in place. Quite a few of them had active minds, and I could tell
from their reactions that they were more or less expecting us. Apparently
they'd known we were coming, but hadn't known how we'd be coming.

"Terril, how pleased we are that you have been returned to us unharmed," one
of the women called up, her grin matching the true happiness I could feel in
her mind. She was a big woman, blond and blue-eyed the way most of them were,
wearing sandals, trousers and a shirt as well as a sword. My still-incomplete
memories stirred at sight of her, and then I was smiling and raising a hand to
a friend named Leelan.

"You all must forgive Terril if she seems somewhat different," Ashton called
out in Rimilian, the language Leelan had used, her eyes moving from one side
of the crowd to the other. "Those who took her also took her memories of her
time on this world, memories which are only now beginning to return for her
use. She will come to recall each and every one of you, only now such a thing
must not be expected of her."

A dissatisfied mutter moved through the group of women, a sound to match the
growl of anger in their minds, but it wasn't Ashton they were angry with.
My-aunt-stood a little ahead of me to my right on the ramp, which put her head
level a bit below mine, and when her face turned to the left I could see she
was squinting against the late-morning sun the way I was. Her narrowed eyes
were checking what her scanning mind brought to her, and when she also found
that the anger wasn't for her, she smiled faintly.

"You need not concern yourselves that those who committed so vile an act will
go unpunished," she called out again, raising her voice to make it carry over
the mutter. "We who are blood-kin to Terril will see to her rightful vengeance
upon those who are our enemies as well as hers, and may well call upon you
here to assist us. Would you be willing to give us such assistance?"

A double shout of avid agreement rose up to us from voices and minds alike,
and either one would have been sufficient to let us know exactly how those
women felt. Both together were more commitment than a blood oath would have
been, and the men helping Murdock grinned as they began moving down the ramp
again. Ashton also grinned as she glanced to me before following the others,
and I couldn't help wondering why they were all so pleased. They seemed to
have plans that included the armed women of Vediaster, plans that hadn't been
mentioned to me.

The crowd moved obligingly back or to either side to give us room to leave the
ramp, and then Leelan led one segment of it back to surround Ashton and me.
The big blond woman had spent most of her time looking at me, but once she was
close enough her gaze went to Ashton.

"I do not doubt that this wenda is blood-kin to you, Terril," she said,
examining Ashton in a very direct way. "Her mind is of a strength which much
resembles yours, and would have been of great assistance to us in our attack
against Farian. For what reason did you not make mention of her when we all
spoke of those who might be of aid to us in the attack?"

"She   failed to speak of me for the reason that she then had no knowledge of
me,"   Ashton said without hesitation, smiling faintly at the w'wenda who looked
down   at her. "It was only when she freed herself from capture that we met, no
more   than days ago."

"And was it then that you also assumed the burden of giving response to those
queries put to her?" Leelan asked, her tone dry as the fingers of her left
hand toyed with her sword hilt. "Our Chama has no need of others to speak for
her, nor will such a thing be allowed the while breath remains in my body.
Terril, I would know how you truly fare, and would also know if you desire to
be freed of the company of this one."

"Such a freeing would indeed be pleasant, Leelan, and yet you must not be
disturbed over the matter," I said, the annoyance I'd been feeling
disappearing behind amusement at Ashton's sudden annoyance. "I fare as well as
I might the while true memory eludes me, and this wenda who names herself kin
to me has taken it upon herself to guard my every doing. Although I dislike
such guarding through having no true need of it, it must yet be admitted that
her intentions are for good rather than ill. "

"No true need of it," Ashton echoed with a snort while Leelan and some of the
others looked relieved, the mutter putting her fists to her hips. "Our healer
foams at the mouth the while she prances all about as she wills, doing rather
than resting from her ordeal, and she dares to speak blithely of having no
true need of guarding. In truth, what she has the greatest need of is being
sat upon. A pity the strength of her mind disallows such a thing."

"And yet there is one greatly eager to see her who has no fear of the strength
of her mind," Leelan said, laughing the way too many of the other women were
doing over what Ashton had said. "Dallan took himself off to inform him of
your arrival even as I hurried here, Terril, therefore shall they soon be with
us."

"Dallan?" I said, looking at the big woman as I tried to fight through the
mists to a recognition of the name, getting a teasing sense of familiarity and
then nothing but blankness. "Am I acquainted with this Dallan? And who is the
other who will accompany him?"

"Dallan is my memabrak and drin of Gerleth, Terril , and you and he are
helid," Leelan answered, the laughter gone as she glanced in upset to Ashton.
"I had not realized to how great an extent- The other, of course, is Tammad,
he who is your memabrak. Surely you recall the one who occupied your thoughts
to the exclusion of all other things?"

"Him again," I muttered in Centran, beginning to be really annoyed. You can
get very tired of hearing people tell you how much you care about somebody,
but tired doesn't cover it when you can't even remember what the object of
your undying love looks like. I was a lot more interested in trying to
remember who Dallan was, Leelan's mamabrak, the one who had banded her. Helid
was a very close, nonsexual relationship between two otherwise unrelated
people, and I was curious about the man I was supposed to have that sort of
relationship with.

"Terril seems unable to recall Tammad, Leelan," Ashton put in when I didn't
add to my muttering, her mind spreading out to soothe the agitation of just
about everyone in hearing. "We believe that she clung to the memory of him so
tightly that our enemies had a great deal of difficulty in taking it,
therefore was it more thoroughly erased than other matters. She will surely
recover that memory along with the others, and yet will it just as surely find
its own time in coming."

"Unfortunately it will likely not be soon enough to spare us the need to calm
the fury of a l'lenda," another of the women in the crowd said with a sigh, an
older woman who wasn't wearing a sword. Relgon, I remembered her name was, and
her twin sister was Deegor, a w'wenda. Relgon wasn't a woman warrior, but her
mind was stronger than Deegor's. "To say it was difficult bearing his worry,
is to say one was unable to perceive his mind; when he discovers that his
beloved is no longer even familiar with the sound of his name, his need to
spill the blood of those responsible will surely take the senses from all in
the city with the power."

"His strength is that great?" Ashton asked, her surprise evident. "We were
told his mind was discovered to be awakened, yet no mention was made of such .
. ."

She broke off in the middle of what she was saying to watch the arrival of
more Rimilians, this time an all-male group. The men were a good deal larger
than the women, broad-shouldered and wide-chested with body cloths called
haddinn wrapped around them, barefoot but with swordbelts closed tightly
around each set of hips. They all seemed to be moving at a good pace, but
there was one out in front leading the pack, larger than most of the others
and striding faster than they were. The crowd of women melted away from the
path of that relatively calm stampede, which meant there were suddenly no
obstructions blocking off sight of me.

The giant of a man seemed to pause between steps as his head came up, the
expression on his face more a matter of the relief of ended pain than
something to be called a smile. His mind surged powerfully behind a cloud of
very thick calm, joyous elation dominating what I could make out through the
whirling, and then he was moving forward again, directly toward me. His arms
began to rise from his sides as he walked, thickly muscled arms that
undoubtedly had no trouble swinging that great bar of a sword which hung at
his side, and all of a sudden I noticed something very important about him.

He was blond and blue-eyed, just like Kel-Ten, and a large part of his mind
was filled with the same sense of-possession-the First Prime had felt.

I'd had to accept the attitude in the complex, there had been no choice about
accepting it, but I was no longer in the complex and was no longer turned off.
He was still ten or fifteen feet away when I straightened where I stood and
let the curtain fall from my mind.

"Terrilian, don't, he's not going to hurt you!" Ashton hissed fast from my
right, her hand wrapping itself tightly around my arm.

"Terril, no, that is Tammad there before you!" Leelan blurted from my left,
her thoughts completely taken aback.

"Terril, child, there is no battle before you   that requires such a gathering
of power!" Relgon said hurriedly, and it came   to me that her face had gone as
pale as those of a number of the women around   us. They all had active minds,
those women, with Leelan being an odd partial   exception, and were therefore
all aware of the banishing of my curtain.

The man who had been striding so quickly toward me also had an active mind,
and what I'd done had stopped him a second time, bewilderment and confusion
pushing away everything else he'd been feeling. There was also something of
pain inside him, but the heavy calm he was holding to with both fists didn't
let him experience much of it. His face was completely expressionless as he
began walking toward me again, this time a good deal more slowly, and when
Leelan moved out to stop him about five feet away he seemed only partially
aware of her.

"Tammad, those who stole her from us also stole her memories," the big woman
told him with a lot of compassion, her hand going to his arm. "She has not
given over her love for you, merely has she forgotten it for a time. Those who
accompany her say the forgetfulness is not forever, therefore is she certain
to come to know you again. Do you hear the words I speak?"

He did hear her, that I could tell from the movement of his thoughts, but
those very blue eyes hadn't moved an inch from me since the time they'd first
found me. I felt as though he were drinking me in, using me the way a man
dying of thirst would use a large jug of water, and his thoughts had begun
taking on a definite tinge of stubbornness. He'd heard everything said to him,
all right, but there wasn't any way on that world he was about to accept it. `

"Tammad, my friend, I would have preferred being able to prepare you for
this," Murdock said in Centran, materializing out of the crowd to the right,
his two helpers trailing behind him. "Is there somewhere we may go to speak
privately?"

"As the tongue you speak is understood by very few here, you have already
achieved what privacy you desire," the big Rimilian answered, also in Centran,
making no attempt to look at the man he addressed. "What words does the
Murdock McKenzie imagine would give preparation for so outrageous a doing as
this?"

` My friend, we none of us knew this would happen," Murdock said in a calm his
mind wasn't sharing almost as though he could feel the growing anger in the
other man. "She was taken by those who are enemies to us all, but their
flagrant disregard of the honorable commitment made you will now be their
downfall. What I wish to speak to you about is the need for patience on your
part, obviously for the sake of the woman. She was not treated well by those
who took her, and to now expect her to accept a man who is a stranger to her .
.."

"They gave her harm?" the big man growled, his gaze turned to ice as his mind
flared crimson with fury and rage, finally moving his head to look at Murdock.
Most of those around us flinched at the level of projection he was managing,
Ashton drawing her breath in sharply due to the unexpectedness of what she
felt, and I quietly retrieved my curtain. The man seemed to be totally
untrained but with more raw power than could easily be held off, and
protecting myself with the curtain wasn't like blocking everything out with a
shield. I could still drop the curtain or even work through it if I had to,
something I wasn't convinced I would not have to do.

"In what manner did these mondarayse give her harm?" the man demanded of
Murdock, his big hands fists at his sides, his body held still through sheer
will power. "I shall first assure myself that she returns to full health, and
then you and I will speak of where I might find those who have beseeched their
own deaths. When once my l'lendaa and I have done with them, they will no
longer even find- it possible to look upon the wendaa of others."

"You must forgive me, my friend, if I say taking their lives and positions
from them is a privilege first due me and mine," Murdock answered, his coldly
courteous reply probably the only thing that could have penetrated the rage
and fury coming at him. "Far too many have suffered the fate so narrowly
escaped by Terrilian, and even more has been done to those who are ours.
You're certainly welcome to join us if you wish, but you may not take the
pleasure for yourself alone. When we leave here, we will rejoin those waiting
for us and complete the plans for attack which have already been begun."

Murdock stared up at the giant of a man, his cold gray eyes directly on him,
his twisted body in no way flinching back from the promise of violence that
was looming over him. The Rimilian could have exploded in anger and killed
him, but it wasn't possible to doubt that anything less would affect or move
him, not on the subject they had just been discussing. Despite the emotions
screaming around inside him the big warrior had no difficulty understanding
and accepting that, and after firmly pushing his impatience to one side he
nodded his head.

"Then I shall accompany you," he stated, also leaving no doubt that anything
would change his mind. "I shall learn from my woman which of them was most
responsible for giving her harm, and that one will be mine alone. Is it
agreed?"

"With the greatest of pleasure," Murdock assured him, that faint, cold smile
reappearing on his face even as he leaned more heavily on his cane. "Since our
business here is now taken care of, we can . . ."

"But our business here isn't taken care of," I interrupted, knowing that
Murdock was about to return to the transfer slip-with his very good friend.
"Or, at least my business here isn't taken care of. I need to speak to Lee-

Ian and the others for a while, and it isn't something that can be put off.
Are you going to wait for me, or do I have to make other arrangements to get
to my final destination?"

"There aren't any other arrangements you can make," Ashton said in annoyance,
matching her brother's response to what I'd said, but managing to get the
words out first. "Terrilian, you know how much of a hurry we're in, so why
can't your business wait a little while? Now that these w'wendaa of Vediaster
will be joining us in the attack, we'll be seeing them again very shortly. You
can wait until . . . ."

"That's something else that needs to be discussed," I cut in again, glad the
point had been brought up. "You maneuvered the w'wendaa into wanting to join
you, and I expect to hear some damned good reasons as to why it was done. I
won't be their Chama for very much longer, but that doesn't mean I'll let them
be taken advantage of. Do you want to tag along while I hold my discussion
with them, or do you want to wait in the slip or the transport?"

"I think you know I'll be right there with you, and there won't be any
`tagging along' to it," Ashton answered, her expression letting me know how
much more annoyed she was in case I missed it in her mind. "If whatever you
have to say to those people won't wait, then you'll take care of it now, but
you'll do it as fast as possible and you'll do it the easy way."

Then, before I could say anything else, she turned to a patiently waiting
Leelan.

"Please excuse the rudeness of our having spoken so long in another tongue,"
she began, undoubtedly sensing how some of the women were holding off feelings
of insult. "I have just been informed by Terril that she wishes to speak with
you and your sisters, and have in turn informed her that I will accompany you
all so that she may be-guarded. May I ask that a place of comfort be chosen
for the discussion, so that my task need not be unduly difficult to
accomplish?"

Leelan and most of the others chuckled at the way Ashton had invited herself
along, their previous insult forgotten behind the satisfaction of knowing
their Chama was being properly looked after. I didn't consider it nearly as
amusing, but before anyone could get to either agreement or argument, an
altogether different precinct was heard from.

"From what does my wenda need to be guarded?" a voice asked, one that wanted
to be more of a growl and would have preferred demanding to asking, but was
trying not to take its mad out on those who weren't the cause of it. "I see
naught here to menace her, however, should I be mistaken in my beliefs, it
will be this l'lenda who guards her."

"Be at ease, l'lenda, I merely spoke in jest," Ashton said at once, looking up
soberly at the very large man who stood so close to her. "In the midst of
friends, Terril has need to be guarded only from herself. Our healer wishes
her to refrain from exerting herself, therefore have I made it my task to
accompany her and see the matter done properly. These w'wendaa are already
aware of this, and for that reason are undisturbed."

"Yes, the woman is indeed prone to-overlooking the wishes of healers," the big
Rimilian answered, not quite feeling annoyed as he glanced at me. "I have only
recently learned of her doings here in Vediaster, and will discuss them with
her when her memories have completely returned. For now I shall merely
accompany her and, as I have said, see to what guarding she requires."

"Your assistance would be most welcome," Ashton said with a grin, glancing at
me while enjoying a private joke. "In point of fact if you wish it, I shall be
most pleased to assist you, rather than the other way about. I have learned
that Rimilian l'lendaa are possessed of a certain-talent-when dealing with
their wendaa, a talent those raised elsewhere, male and female alike, appear
to lack. As Terril has been banded as yours . . . "

"Enough," I said in what was very close to a growl of my own, up to here with
people who were deeply concerned about me-for reasons of their own. "I belong
to none save myself, and grow weary of having strangers and near-strangers
speak of what I shall be made to do. What I shall do is confer with those I
came to speak with, which requires no further discussion on the part of others
with reference to me. Have I made my wishes sufficiently clear?"

"Indeed, Chama," more than one of the women around me muttered at once, while
Leelan and Ashton exchanged highly., significant glances. What the glances
were supposed to signify I couldn't quite tell, but they were definitely
highly significant. The big w'wenda and my supposed aunt seemed to be-waiting
uncomfortably for the other shoe to drop, is the closest I can come to
defining their emotions, not exactly the most technical definition I've ever
given, but still more than fitting. They were more wary than nervous, and I
didn't understand why they seemed to brace themselves when the Rimilian Tammad
stirred where he stood.

"Wenda, those who speak of seeing to your well-being do so because of their
love for you," he said, for all the world as though he were gently lecturing a
small child, those blue eyes back to memorizing every inch of me. "Though I
find it-difficult to accept that you now see me as no more than a stranger,
under no circumstances shall I attempt to comport myself as though you were
similarly unknown. You are my hama sadendra, my most beloved memabra, and it
pains me to see how thin you have grown beneath that badly chosen item of
supposed clothing. You are my belonging, and I care little for the state in
which others have kept you."
"That's too bad about you," I said in Centran, deciding it might be best to
settle things with him then and there. "Whatever-state-I'm in right now is due
to the keeping of no one other than myself, and that's the way it's going to
stay. Not only don't I belong to you, I don't know you and don't want to know
you. I'm sorry if you can't see it the same, but there's nothing either of us
can do about it. As far as I'm concerned you are a stranger, and I've had too
much done to me lately by strangers to want any more. If you try forcing the
issue I'll defend myself, and please believe me when I say you won't enjoy
that sort of attention from me. Do us both a favor and go find someone else to
be your belonging. I'm simply not interested. "

I tried to turn away from him to Leelan with that, having found it harder to
say the words than I'd thought I. would, but his hand came to my arm to keep
me from turning. The touch was unbelievably gentle, almost completely
unrelated to the knife-sharp pain his mind was trying to both control and
ignore, and the oddest look appeared in his eyes.

You have learned well the proper response to challenge from strangers, hama,"
he said, and damned if he didn't somehow sound-proud. "What remains, however,
is for you to learn the sight of one who is no stranger. That, too, will come
in its proper time."

His hand moved from my arm to my cheek, the second touch as gentle as the
first, and then he turned away to move through the crowd toward where Murdock
waited a short distance away, seated in the folding chair one of his
assistants had brought along. I thought it probable he was going to tell
Murdock he'd changed his mind about coming with us, and the relief I felt over
that let me turn back to Leelan with something of a smile. Hurting the man
hadn't been pleasant, but at least he would no longer be around to make me do
it again.

With all the extraneous nonsense taken care of, the women were finally able to
lead me inside the palace to a room where we could talk. On the way inside we
passed the group of men who had more or less come along with the one called
Tammad, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I remembered and
recognized a number of the faces. Seeing him brought back memory of Dallan,
Leelan's memabrak and the man with whom I was helid, but remembering him also
told me I'd be smart to just raise a hand in greeting, smile warmly, and keep
on going. The expression on his face said he wanted to talk to me, but I had
no time and even less desire to be lectured. I didn't know what the subject of
the lecture would be, but I could remember how good Dallan was at never having
trouble finding something.

The room in the palace chosen for our discussion was large, of white stone
draped with gold, white fur carpeting and golden cushions. It had to be one of
the rooms meant for the Charm's use, and the arrival of servants with food
trays and wine came as no great surprise. The women who had come with
me-including Deegor's belated arrival-were the ones who had organized the
attack against the palace, and once everyone had tasted the food and drink we
got down to cases. I explained that I had come to tell them I could no longer
be their Chama, and then sat back with the delicious fried meat strips I'd
helped myself to and let them get the arguing out of their systems.

They tried every argument they'd used on me the last time wed discussed the
point and then added a few wrinkles, but it all came down to my wanting to
give up the honor, and their unwillingness to let me. It went around and
around with everyone having their say, Ashton silent but listening carefully
from her place beside me, and finally I held up a hand.
"I had thought, from the last time we spoke, that all of you had agreed to
understand and comply with the needs which move me," I said, looking around at
them. "Your need was for the presence and assistance of one who would find it
possible to best Farian, mine was to be gone on my way once that task was seen
to. As your needs have been met, I now ask that mine be considered. Am I to be
allowed the freedom I yearn for, or am I to be kept chained by imposed demands
of duty and responsibility?"

The minds all around me suddenly filled with a lot of upset, the roiling
emotions pointed up even more by the complete silence in the room. They all
wanted to tell me that I wasn't looking at it right, that being chama was a
very high, important position and not slavery, but they all knew well enough
that freedom and slavery were personal outlooks not seen the same by everyone
involved. That I d helped them when they needed it couldn't be denied; I'd
left it to them to say whether or not they would do the same for me.

"Terril, we are all aware of your desire to be elsewhere, and know as well
that the desire is no reflection on those of us here or our city," Relgon said
slowly after a moment, trying to force some order out of the chaos of her
thoughts."' Although it may seem that we have failed to consider your wishes,
you must know that we have attempted to find one who may be Chama in your
place. A part of our difficulty lies in the fact that you, yourself, have no
issue, Farian had none, and no female other than Leelan is about as the issue
of she who was Chama before Farian. Those l'lendaa who are brothers to Leelan
were driven from Vediaster by Farian, and therefore are not present to band
one with the power and legitimatize the seat she takes."

"Even were it possible to find one of sufficient power to be banded," Deegor
put in, an exact duplicate of Relgon except for the sword she wore. "Our laws
demand that our Chama be the one who is possessed of the greatest power, and
none we have encountered before or since our first meeting with you, Terril,
has shown the strength you are capable of. Were we to choose one of lesser
strength, our laws would be no more than mockery, and we find ourselves unable
to betray our country in such a manner. Perhaps you will find it necessary to
leave us with our dilemma, and should that be so we will surely understand. We
will continue to lack a solution, yet will we be filled with understanding."

"Filled with understanding," I muttered under my breath, seeing Deegor's calm
expression mirrored on more faces than just her sister's. I'd tried making
them feel guilty for insisting that I keep the job of Chama, and it had worked
until Deegor's counterattack. None of them would blame me if 1 simply picked
up and walked out, but that wouldn't solve the problem I'd helped create and
was partially responsible for. Whoever they chose would not have the strongest
mind possible, not as long as I remained among the living, and no matter how
many oaths I swore about never coming back, the possibility remained that some
day I might. At that point their chosen Chama would be nothing more than a
sham, sitting her throne only because I allowed it by not challenging her. No
one could be an effective ruler under circumstances like those, not unless-not
unless

"I believe I have it?" I said, sitting up so suddenly among the cushions that
I nearly spilled the golden wine filling the goblet I held. "You here must
have a Chama with the strongest mind, and yet I must be off and about other
doings. How speak your laws upon the point of one who represents an absent
Chama, one appointed by the Chama to rule in her name?"

Everyone began speaking at once, then, some insisting there was no law like
that, some saying there couldn't be such a law, and some cautiously suggesting
there might be a tiny bit of merit to the suggestion. It was impossible
separating one voice or mind from the next, and then Deegor held up her arm
for silence. She needed Relgon's help to bring everyone down from the ceiling
noisewise, but after a minute or two she was able to get to what she wanted to
say.

"It brings me surprise that most here have no memory of what is commonly done
when the Chama travels," the w'wenda said, looking around at her countrywomen.
"Perhaps Relgon and I, having attained greater age than many of you, are more
familiar with such things. When Kirdil, mother of Leelan, chose to travel to
neighboring countries, there was ever one appointed by her to sit the throne
and speak with her voice. Should such a doing suit our Chama Terril, who here
has the power to deny her?"

"Sooner should we put the query as to who might have the power to sit for
her," came the sour answer supplied by Siitil, a w'wenda of Leelan's age who
tended to be sour even when she was reasonably happy. "The strongest among. us
is Relgon, and yet has Relgon ever maintained that she will only advise and
never rule. Her delight that the place of Chama would not be hers was clearly
unfeigned, therefore do we gallop our seetarr and yet remain where we began."

"It would scarcely be proper for one such as I to accept any such position,"
Relgon said as most of the eyes in the room came to rest on her, her sigh
doing nothing to cover the unyielding determination in her mind. "Those of my
family who have come before have ever been advisors, a position of much pride
and responsibility; never were we ones to be advised. To usurp a position
neither desired nor earned-to fall before the temptation of the weak and covet
a place most properly belonging to others-to consider the thing even for a
short while- No, my friends, such a doing is beyond me. No more may I do than
advise one who sits the place rightfully.'

Siitil held her hands up in a gesture showing she wasn't surprised and a
couple of the women began trying to argue with Relgon, but those of us who
could feel her mind knew arguing would never move the older woman. It was
almost a matter of reverse snobbery, with Relgon feeling, in effect, that to
accept a higher position would be lowering herself, and on top of that her
attitude was a family tradition. She would advise any legitimate ruler, but
the only candidate for that spot was

"And what of you, Leelan?" I said, remembering well enough how I'd assumed she
would take the throne after the battle was won, and how surprised I'd been
that no one, including her, considered her qualified. "As it was you who
failed to recall the need to inform me of the great honor awaiting my success
in besting Farian, perhaps you will now make amends by becoming my surrogate.
As your mother sat the place of Chama before Farian, who would there be to say
you had not the right?"

"Terril, Leelan has not the power," Deegor said gently but firmly as Leelan
looked down at the goblet in her hands, the minds of everyone else agreeing.
"She, of course, would be ideal, and yet does she lack that which even a
surrogate must have. To rule, even in the name of another, requires the
presence and use of the power."

Again most of them began talking at once, all of it suggestions as to who
might be strong enough-and trustworthy enough-to be my surrogate, the sudden
noise mounting too high for me to have the chance to say that Leelan did have
the power. Even as I reexamined her embarrassed and self-accusing mind I could
see how much power she had, and wondered as I had before why she didn't use
more than a small fraction of it. She was able to feel power or the lack of it
in the minds around her, but as far as using her own was concerned . . .

My mind-tool of calm control slid into place as my inner sight moved closer
and closer to Leelan, the rest of me floating along with no more than faint
curiosity to be felt. Most of me was so relaxed I was almost asleep, but one
small crew of tiny, invisible workers was briskly busy and getting on with the
job in hand in a businesslike way. The job in hand was Leelan's mind, a mind
that had somehow seemed strange without my knowing why, and the crew was busy
checking into the matter. Her mind was healthy and strong, well adjusted to
life in general and her own life in particular, no hidden hang-ups keeping her
from doing something she could but didn't believe she could. My inner sight
went closer and closer to her, my mind blending and meshing with hers, the two
flowing together, breathing together, feeling together

And then we reached the block, the small, badly constructed block that only
did part of its job, crude workmanship that also felt as though it was
supposed to be temporary. I suddenly had a very strong suspicion as to what it
might be, but understanding it wasn't the important part, removing it was.
Leelan had been living with it so long it had almost become a part of her, and
I couldn't simply dissolve it without bracing her, or the sudden shock could
damage her mind. I brought more of my strength into her mind, then slowly and
carefully withdrew to leave her on her own.

I had to blink a couple of times before I saw her face instead of her mind,
and then it was another moment before what I was seeing made sense. Leelan sat
bolt upright beside the cushion she'd been leaning on, her legs folded stiffly
in front of her, an amazed look on her face, wine spilling to the carpet fur
past her knee due to the slack hold she had on her goblet. The world had
suddenly widened and brightened for her, and it would take a short while
before she got used to it.

It was only a matter of seconds before someone noticed Leelan and what she was
doing, and then Relgon, Deegor and Siitil, the three other active minds in the
group, also noticed her inner difference. There was a small riot as everyone
left their places to crowd around the happily grinning w'wenda to throw
questions at her, or perhaps I should say almost everyone. The sole exception
stirred where she sat to my right, as though coming out of a daze, and then
her hand touched my shoulder.

"How in hell did you do that?" Ashton demanded in as low a voice as the noise
in the room permitted, sounding faintly outraged. "And for that matter, what
did you do? From where I was sitting it looked like you just-touched her-but
touching shouldn't have- What in hell happened?"

"She was blocked," I answered, stretching up straighter where I sat and taking
a deep breath as my mind-tool faded back out of control. "All I did was
dissolve the block to let her natural ability come through. Building one in
Kel-Ten's mind was harder, but in his case I didn't have to brace him."

"You dissolved a block I couldn't even detect," Ashton said, this time
speaking flatly and looking at me in an odd way, her hand leaving my shoulder.
"Every now and then someone in the community is found to have the ability for
such fine inner sight, but that's usually all they can do. I've never heard of
a Prime being able to-"

She broke off with the odd look still peering out of her eyes, then shook her
head as though to chase it away. When her gaze came back to me it was the
faintly impatient, faintly irritated one I was used to, and she raised her
hand in a banishing gesture.

"That isn't something to be discussed here, only between the two of us," she
said, not far from giving the impression I was the one who had brought the
subject up and was insisting on talking about it. "Let's just add it to the
list for when we get home. But to get back to Leelan, how could she have been
blocked? Did some enemy of her family decide to try keeping her from becoming
Chama after her mother?"

"It's possible, but I doubt it," I said, fleetingly wondering how well that
list of my abilities would go over with the fine folk back "home." I was
supposed to be one of them, but people have been known to turn against an odd
bird in the nest even if the bird grew up with them. Which I hadn't.

"My guess is that Leelan was the victim of an unintentional accident," I said,
glad that my curtain was still firmly over my mind. "If you stop to think
about how powerful her mother had to be to qualify for the place of Chama, and
then picture a woman trying to concentrate on something important while her
baby is broadcasting the way talented babies do- She probably never even
noticed wishing there was something she could do to stop the noise just for a
little while."

"You mean you think her mother constructed the block without even knowing she
was doing it?" Ashton asked with her brow wrinkled, and then she was slowly
nodding her head. "Something like that would never have occurred to me, but
I'll bet you're right. She blocked little Leelan's output to give herself a
break, having no idea she was doing it so she couldn't undo it. It looks like
those who keep insisting we bring all actives into the community as soon as
possible are right. If Leelan's mother had been a trained Prime she could have
shielded, and then the accident would never have happened."

I didn't quite know what to say to that, but it turned out to be a good thing
I wasn't well prepared to ask Ashton all sorts of carefully calculated
questions. The women in the room with us had finally figured out that I was
the one who had freed Leelan's mind, and their wild delight suddenly came
spilling over onto me. Everyone seemed to be laughing and shouting words which
were totally incomprehensible, and then Leelan was crouching beside me, her
hand reaching for my shoulder.

"Indeed are you one whose like I have never before seen, Terril," she said,
looking as though she were in the midst of a dream she intended enjoying to
the full before waking up. "Each time you seek to chastise me for having
cozened you, you give me more than ever before was mine. It occurs to me I
would be wise to anger you again, merely to discover what new marvel you would
gift me with."

"There is a limit to the marvels even I am able to produce, Leelan," I
answered, laughing along with everyone else at what shed said, feeling how
gently but firmly her fingers tightened in thanks. "Best you concern yourself
with learning the use of that which you now possess in full, and leave the
angering of me to others. After having spent the time I did among my enemies,
giving me anger may well bring gifts few would be eager to have. And now that
my surrogate is chosen and accepted, I must be on my way."

Protests and disappointment came from everyone as I got to my feet before
finishing the golden wine in my goblet, but none of them was seriously
thinking about trying to stop me. They hadn't missed the fact that I'd given
Leelan nothing in the way of orders or instructions about ruling, knowing as
well as I that if she didn't do it right, no one would. They told me sternly
that I had to come back to visit the country that was mine on an often,
regular basis; I assured them solemnly that if I had any choice in the matter
I would do exactly that, and then Leelan made her first decision as my
stand-in. ,

"We cannot allow our Chama to walk about in torn outlander clothing as though
she had naught save that to wear," she   announced, frowning at the light brown
uniform which was the only thing I had   to wear. "Before you leave us, Terril,
you must dress as befits your station,   else shall those who see you pity our
country for being bereft of all dinga.   Would you have others think of us in
such a way'?"

All those pairs of eyes in the room were suddenly on me, so I sighed and gave
in without an argument. If I didn't want everyone to think Vediaster was
penniless, which they would if they saw me, I had to go along with the
suggestion. It was hardly an unreasonable request, and wasn't likely to take
too long in the seeing to.

Which it didn't. It was only a matter of minutes before I was being led into
the Chama's rooms, and seeing it told me immediately what had bothered me so
about Kel-Ten's apartment. The large chamber was decorated heavily in gold,
just like the First Prime's surroundings, and there was something about the
place that depressed me. I couldn't quite remember what the source of the
depression was, but that didn't really matter. In another few minutes I would
be out of there, and that would take care of the problem.

I was brought an outfit of trousers and shirt and sandals in gold and green,
and while I got into it a couple of female servants packed four or five spare
outfits-as well as the old stuff I got out of-into leather pouches to take
with me. It felt odd having a wardrobe like that, one that belonged to no one
but me, one that had been earned through efforts of mine. Back on Central I
had a much more extensive wardrobe, supposedly earned by my being a Prime, but
for some reason it wasn't the same. I tucked the soft green shirt into the
tight, clingy, gold cloth trousers, and felt a satisfaction unlike anything I
had experienced when dressing on Central.

"Now do you appear much more presentable," Leelan said as she stopped beside
me, having come back after inspecting what the servants had packed. "Should
your memabrak find this clothing less than satisfactory, however, you must
gently recall to him that this is the custom of those of Vadiaster. As you are
now ours as well as his, he must strive for understanding and acceptance."

"Leelan, I have no memabrak," I said, finding a large amount of instant
annoyance at the thought that someone else would try telling me what I could
and couldn't wear. I'd had enough of that at the complex to last a lifetime,
and wouldn't have let it happen again even if I had to get nasty. "You were
unable to comprehend a good deal of my conversation with that l'lenda, I know,
therefore allow me to assure you that he was clearly told of my lack of
interest in him. His departure was a considerable relief to me, and it seems
highly unlikely that he will approach me ever again."

"Ah, Terril, to be bereft of one's memory is a greater loss than I had ever
thought it," she said with a sigh, her blue eyes looking down at me with
compassion. "The l'lenda Tammad is indeed your memabrak, and will not so
easily give over what is his. This I tell you as one sister to another, so
that upset will not claim you when you discover yourself mistaken. In time
shall you recall him and the love that was between you, and then . . ."

"And then shall I likely be too advanced in age to be overly concerned," I
finished for her, looking around to see that there was nothing left to do that
would keep me there. "You have my thanks for the interest you show on my
behalf, sister, and may be certain that the bond between us is a thing I shall
never forget. Will you and the others favor me with your accompaniment to the
conveyance which awaits me?"

For a moment Leelan looked as though she wanted to add to what she'd already
said, but with the other women assuring me that the honor of seeing me off was
theirs, she changed her mind and simply added her own agreement. Ashton, who
had been standing not far from the door silently watching everyone and
glancing around, also seemed to have something to say, but she did the same
about joining us in leaving without turning the need vocal.

It was a faintly regretful but well-enough satisfied group that stopped at the
foot of the transfer slip's ramp, raising hands in farewell while Ashton and I
continued on up. When I turned to wave a final good-bye, I saw that the
pouches containing my clothes had been given to one of the transport crewmen
standing to either side of the ramp, a man who made no effort to tell the big,
armed w'wenda who gave him the things that it wasn't part of his job to handle
passenger luggage. He'd had the urge to say something like that at first, but
then he seemed to remember where he was and who he was about to say that to.
The urge was squelched quickly and firmly, and then he and the other were
following us up the ramp.

"You may think that was funny, but you can bet that crewman isn't taking it
any way but seriously," Ashton said in a low voice as she led the way into the
slip, obviously having seen and felt what I had. "He's never had to face a
w'wenda, probably never even met one before today, but it didn't take him long
to see what most people do: you don't mouth off to one any more than you would
to a l'lenda. You wanted to know why we were so happy to have the bunch of
them agree to be with us when we attack the complex? If what just happened
doesn't give you a hint, you'll never know."

She walked away from me then to find a seat around the outer edge of the
circle of the slip, but she hadn't left anything behind that still needed
saying. I'd been so close to those women-and they'd been so close to me-that
it hadn't occurred to me how others would see them. They were warriors,
dangerous, deadly fighters you'd have to be insane to want to start up with,
and the gentle way they'd treated me didn't change that. I shrugged inside
myself, knowing there was another reason Ashton hadn't yet mentioned as to why
she and the others wanted the w'wendaa, but if no one brought it up in a
reasonable amount of time I would simply ask. I had other things to think
about right then, and I preferred leaving the subject of the w'wendaa of
Vediaster for an occasion when I would not be distracted.

Which certainly didn't apply to the time right then. It wasn't until I had
taken a seat of my own not far from Ashton's, that I noticed there were only
four of us in the slip, not counting the two people flying it. I looked around
in a very blank way, then turned to Ashton.

"What happened to Murdock and the others?" I asked, silently congratulating
myself for being so observant that I hadn't noticed there were people missing
until the slip was already lifting from the ground. "Have they decided to
settle in Vediaster, and just forgot to tell me?"

"The slip took them over to the community, then came back for us," she
answered without looking at me, a faint amusement turning her lips up in
something of a smile. "It's so close to this city we could almost walk-if you
could get to the community by walking. My brother will be delighted to hear
that you actually missed him enough to ask."

Her eyes moved over to me with that, the laughter in them matching her smile,
but her attempt wasn't fooling me in the least. She was trying to distract me
from where we would soon be by giving me something to get angry over and argue
about, but it hadn't the faintest hope of working. Instead of answering her I
left my seat to activate a view port, and tried to think about nothing but
looking out.
Ashton was right about how close the community was, and from what I saw was
also right about no one being able to walk to it. In a matter of minutes we
had passed over the part of Vediaster it had taken days to cover on
seetar-back, with the valley of Gerleth, Dallan's country, taking its turn
sliding by far below us like a handmade miniature nestled in a cup. A large
chunk of impassable mountain range came next, its gray and white bleakness
chilling me even at that distance, and then we began to slide out of the sky.
On the other side of the range was a valley that looked even larger than
Gerleth, but where Gerleth had a number of passes leading in and out of it,
this second valley didn't seem to have any. It was locked up tight within
walls of stone, and flying looked to be the only way in or out.

It really is amazing how fast a transfer slip can reach the ground from very
high up, without anyone in the slip feeling the least sense of movement. We
landed near what seemed to be a fairly large town, not quite on the scale of
the city of Vediaster, but looking a lot like it. The area was unwalled and
the surrounding fields were neatly planted, there was forest in the near
distance into or out of which a pleasant stream ran, and people could be seen
all over the streets of the town, and in the fields, and near the forest. It
came as a shock that most of those people seemed to be darkhaired, with blonds
only a small percentage; in other places on Rimilia you rarely saw anyone who
wasn't blond, and . . .

"Don't you think you've been standing next to that port long enough?" Ashton's
voice came from behind me, too gentle to be called intrusive. "We're home,
Terrilian, and you don't have to be afraid of what you'll find here. Besides,
Murdock left me a message with the pilot that you'll be staying at his house
for the afternoon. Irin has gone off hunting with Rissim, and they won't be
back until later. Once they do get back we'll be lucky if they don't break the
door down trying to get to you, but until then we can all have a nice, quiet
visit. Come on; Murdock must be wondering what's keeping us."

I think I would have preferred standing by the port a little longer,
pretending to be sightseeing instead of admitting I was hiding, but Ashton's
arm around my shoulders didn't let me do that. The heavy twisting inside my
middle had postponed the knifing instead of giving it up entirely, which meant
I might as well go ahead and do what I could before the real attack came. I
sighed privately on the inside, wondering where all the hurry I'd felt earlier
had gone; and let Ashton urge me out of the slip.

Somehow the air was warmer in that hidden valley than it had been in
Vediaster, and we walked from the transfer slip into the town. I carried the
pouches of clothes without minding, hugging them to me just a little as I
walked and looked around, not really hiding behind them but also not feeling
quite as-exposed. No one came rushing over offering undying love and/or
friendship-which was a relief but quite a lot of the people we passed greeted
Ashton with their minds, faint curiosity rippling in my direction. The town
had dirt streets and one-story houses and shops, stalls clumped together with
an occasional one standing alone, people moving through it, kids
playing-everything I'd seen before more than once on Rimilia, but at the same
time-different.

For one thing, it wasn't just the big blond men who wore haddinn and
swordbelts. Most of the men on the street were armed, and they seemed to have
quite a lot of the-arrogance and untouchability-that I usually associated with
1'lendaa. The dark-haired warriors were just as big as the blonds they
outnumbered, but there was the faintest shadow of deference from dark-haired
toward light. As far as the women went there were very few blonds, and quite a
number of the dark-haired ones had green eyes.
Which still didn't entirely account for the difference I felt. Letting my
senses move out past the curtain I continued to maintain finally showed me
what the main difference was: no clamor of uncontrolled minds. Even in
Vediaster, where a large number of the women were mentally active, walking or
riding through the streets brought that din of minds that had always made it
necessary for me to shield in some way. The community had no more than a
murmur as a backdrop-with an occasional "shout" from one of the children who
briefly paid more attention to the game being played than to mental calm.
Everyone else seemed to be-considering the people around them, and consciously
keeping the noise down.

"This one's Murdock's house," Ashton said with a touch to my arm before
gesturing to a small building on our left. "He's not here often enough or long
enough to need more than a few rooms, but those of us who stay enjoy spreading
out a little more. Come on inside."

She led the way to the metal-braced wooden door and through it, held it for
me, then closed it behind us. It was dim and cool in the small entrance hall
we had entered, and Ashton didn't wait for anyone to come out to greet us. She
immediately led the way to the left, brushing aside a cloth hanging, into a
room that was large enough to hold more than a dozen people easily. It was
made of polished dark wood and decorated with bright cloth hangings and carpet
fur, had cushions scattered around and a large fireplace with a fire set but
unlit, and candle sconces appeared here and there on the walls. Two double
doors in two of the walls had been thrown open to provide light and air, and
Murdock himself half-reclined on a special chair that didn't rise more than a
few inches off the floor. At first glance he seemed to be relaxing among the
floor cushions, and I suddenly realized that was exactly the way he wanted it
to look.

"Well, we're finally here," Ashton announced unnecessarily, heading straight
for the pitcher and goblets that stood on a small table not far from Murdock.
"For a minute or two I really believed I'd be bringing an ordinary citizen out
of Vediaster with me, but they ganged up on her. She now has a 'surrogate' to
handle business while she's not there, but that doesn't change the fact that
she's still their Chama. "

"it would have surprised me had the matter gone any other way," Murdock
answered, his cold, wintry smile standing as poor agent for the warmth of
welcome in his mind. "The w'wendaa of Vadiaster feel no confusion or hesitancy
when it comes to knowing what they want, and what they want is Terrilian as
their Chama. Since it's quite impossible at this time for them to accept
anyone else, they sought for and found a way to keep her. Do have a cup of
kimla, child. It was prepared not long ago so it must still be warm."

"What do you mean, they `ganged up' on me?" I asked from where I'd stopped,
addressing both of them even though it had been Ashton who had said it. "They
didn't like the idea of me not being Chama any longer, but if Id really
insisted they would have had to let me go. What choice would they have had?"

"The same choice they did have," Ashton said, straightening away from the
small table with a cup in her hand. "Even though they couldn't reach through
that curtain to your mind, they knew you were reaching through it so they
projected belief in their cause almost nonstop. Even the ones who aren't
supposed to be actives were doing it, and I could almost see the way your
determination to let them work out their own problems became the determination
to help them work it out. You need to learn how to tell when you're being
pushed around, girl. We'll be glad to take care of it when you start training
with us."
I couldn't decide which was more irritating, Ashton's grin or the knowledge
that I'd been forced again to do something someone else wanted. That had
happened to me too often in the past, suddenly waking up to the realization
that someone else's mind was affecting mine without my being aware of it, and
I didn't care for the idea even a little. I'd have to do something about it in
the very near future, but Ashton's "training" would probably not be the
something.

"We really don't intend stealing those clothes until much later, so for right
now you'll be safe in putting them down in a corner somewhere," Ashton said,
taking a short step forward before sitting on the carpet fur with her cup of
kimla. "That's one of the nice things about being in the community-we warn our
victims before we strike. "

"I think I would really enjoy having someone strike at me right about now," I
muttered with a glare for Ashton's grin and Murdock's amusement, then looked
around for a place to put the pouches I still held. "The only thing I ever
slammed at with full strength was the Hand of Power, but lately I've been
getting this urge- I never realized it before, but every now and then enemies
do come in handy."

"One of the purposes of enemies has always been as an outlet for aggressions,"
Murdock agreed, watching as I put the pouches down near a wall then headed for
the pitcher of kimla. "Life becomes a good deal easier in the living, when one
is able to give one's anger to someone other than friends. Are you able yet to
discuss what befell you among our enemies?"

I waited until I had poured the cup of kimla and had moved around to sit
opposite the two before looking at Murdock, and then I merely shrugged in
answer to his question. His words had approached the subject as carefully as
his mind, and I wasn't being pressured into talking about anything I couldn't.
Both he and Ashton had asked during the trip back to Rimilia, and when I'd
ignored their gentle inquisitiveness, they hadn't pressed the matter.

"You're going to need the information at some time, so it might as well be
now," I conceded, raising my cup to sip from it. "It's-unpleasant to remember,
but remembering isn't as painful as living it was. I woke up in a small room,
all alone and unable to remember how I got there, and then a woman came to
take me to someone who was called the director of the complex. I found out
later he wasn't really the head of the place, only someone they used as some
sort of figurehead, an obvious incompetent to be looked down on and considered
harmless. He-tried to key me into the heavy conditioning and at first it
worked, but then he-tried putting his hands on me, and for some reason that
broke me out of it."

"Even adopted Rimilian women know who has and doesn't have the right to touch
them," Ashton said, her mind refusing to let her hot-glowing anger flare up
out of control. "The first time I visited here I decided Rimilian women were
doormats, taking anything their men cared to give, but that isn't true. They
were raised in a culture totally different from Central and Central-derived
ones, so they accept things we look at as impositions. What they don't accept
is being touched by any man who doesn't have the right to touch them, and
their men back them on that completely. If any man on this world tried
suggesting he'd raped a woman because she encouraged him, he'd be maimed and
then dead so fast he wouldn't have time to understand his mistake. For
Rimilian men all women are encouraging and arousing; it's up to the man to
control himself until he finds a woman of his own."

"And conditioning of any sort would have difficulty holding a mind like yours
for very long," Murdock put in, carefully keeping away from a topic that
belonged to women to discuss. "They had no way of knowing that, of course,
which made it a stroke of luck for our side. I do, however, find myself
curious to know- Were you able to learn the identity of the true head of the
complex?"

"As far as I could tell, it was a man named Serdin," I answered, making a face
before drinking more of the kimla. "He was the one I used to get me out of the
complex, and nothing he said was questioned by anyone. If he doesn't run the
thing, the Secs don't know the difference. "

"Serdin, of course," Murdock muttered, his mind going as cold as his
expression usually was. "He rose through governmental ranks by the simple
expedient of quickly showing a talent for knowing when to look the other way,
of ruthlessly thrusting others out of his way, and for divining which of those
around him were destined for power. He suddenly dropped out of sight a few
years ago, and the unofficial explanation was that he had retired because of
poor health. It must surely have been Rathmore's idea for him to be behind an
incompetent figurehead; Rathmore finds it amusing to let half of those he
associates with believe the other half can't be trusted or relied on. It gives
them a false sense of security and power he can then take advantage of as he
sees fit."

"What did you mean, he was the one you used to get you out of the complex?"
Ashton asked, her eyes narrowed as she stared at me. "What could you have done
to talk him into it? Threaten to shrink his office by crying all over it?"

"Oh, I didn't have to threaten him," I came back, her manner retrieving all
that irritation I'd been feeling only a short while earlier. "He decided he
was curious as to what the other men in that place found so attractive about
me, so he was going to try me for himself. His interest made it easier getting
a grip on him, and after that he thought he was serving his own ends with
everything he did. No female-`guest'-had a chance of getting out of that place
by herself, but no one tried to keep our `hosts' from doing anything they
pleased."

"You were able to take over his mind," Ashton said, a quiet statement showing
very little of the shock she felt. "I know most of us can influence others for
a short time, but it's very draining even for those trained in the technique.
Just as a guess you had to establish control over him, tell him what you
wanted him to do, leave wherever you were with him and wait while he followed
your orders, then keep holding him until you were clear of the complex. I
would have been burned out halfway through that, even if things happened one
after the other with no delays in between. But you weren't anywhere near
burned out, were you?"

Her second statement had no backdrop of shock to it, nothing but rising
excitement that put the start of a grin on her face. She was sure everything
she'd said was true, and that pleased her!

"Don't you know how to do anything right?" I asked, wondering why I was
feeling so uncomfortable. "You're not supposed to like the idea of what I can
do, you're supposed to be afraid of it. What do they teach you people in this
place?"

"They teach us that experiment has proven what one of us can do, so can the
rest," she answered at once, that faint grin growing and widening. "If I see
someone who's better at something than I am, I get started right away trying
to find out how they do it. Spending time resenting them for managing it
before I did is a waste of time, and I'm too busy to have much of it to waste.
And now that you mention it, how did you develop that much strength?"

"Now that I mention it?" I repeated in outrage, trying to decide how I ought
to feel. If they really did welcome those who were different as potential new
sources of an increase in their own ability . . . "Ashton, if anyone deserves
experiencing what I did in order to develop this kind of strength, you have to
be the one. Maybe I ought to promise not to let anyone else try it first."

"Somehow that doesn't strike me as being what most consider a generous offer,"
she responded, immediately suspicious as she studied me. "I don't know the
details of everything you went through, but . . ."

"Excuse me, but we're back," a voice broke in from the curtain behind me,
drawing Ashton's eyes and interrupting the frown Murdock had begun developing.
Even if I'd been completely shielded I would have known who it was, and I
mentally kicked myself for not once thinking about who Murdock's agent in my
company could have been. There really was only one person it could have been,
and I turned where I sat to look up at Lenham Phillips.

"Hi, Terry," Len said with an attractive grin on his handsome face, my brother
empath greeting me casually after no more than a short time of us being apart.
"They all thought I was crazy not to worry about you more, but somehow I knew
you'd get away from those clods. When it comes to picking the winning side,
any side you're on is the one that gets my money."

He stood in front of the curtain that had fallen closed again behind him, not
quite as large as a Rimilian but just as blond and blue-eyed. The haddin and
swordbelt he wore were relatively recent additions, given to him after he had
gotten to Rimilia. I knew him better as a coworker in the XenoMediation Bureau
back on Central, but I also remembered the last time we'd seen each other-and
knew I should never have trusted him.

"You seem to be over your upset now, Len," I remarked, referring back to the
time he also had reason to remember. "After we parted company I had the silly
idea you might be avoiding me-especially since you didn't show up to say
good-bye before I left for Vediaster. I didn't know then that you were
probably just too busy making a report to be able to get away, so I spent some
time worrying if you were all right. Silly of me, wasn't it?"

"If you're saying I owe you an apology, you're right," he answered, the grin
gone but his eyes making no effort to avoid mine. "You scared me badly with
that trick you pulled with my shield, but not for the reason you think. And
you ought to know why Garth and I weren't there to see you off, we had no
choice about it. We both wanted to be there, but . . . "

"But you let it slide because letting me know I had some friends wasn't an
effort important enough to make a fuss over," I finished for him, seeing his
flush and feeling the same in his mind. "Making that kind of a stand might
have brought you too much in the way of attention, and then you might have had
to explain what you were really doing there. Don't worry about it, Len, I
understand completely. We all have our priorities, but I can't help wondering
what more you would have had to go through in the slave kitchens in Grelana if
you and Garth hadn't been two of my higher ones. You probably would have been
freed the next day anyway, so it couldn't have been much . . ."

He stared down at me without saying anything, the protest in his mind dying
away before it could be vocalized. Only someone who has been a slave can know
what even one extra day in slavery means, and Len and Garth hadn't had an easy
time of it. Len's light eyes were full of pain as he finally understood that
his not being there to say good-bye was like my not being there would have
been for him and Garth, but I was the one who had been stupid. Only in dreams
can you trust other people not to betray you, and even if they do it doesn't
matter that much. When I turned my back on Len to show I'd said everything to
him I cared to, I could feel the protest being reborn in his mind. It was
almost as though I could see the hand he extended toward me, the unspoken
attempt to apologize and ask to be forgiven, but his crying mind couldn't find
the words. Ashton, frowning, sent comfort past me with her own mind in an
effort to ease him, but although I could also feel that she wanted to say
something, it wasn't her words that got said first.

"As you recall that much, wenda, you must also recall that the fault was
neither Lenham's nor Garth's," a deep voice came, calm but faintly disturbed.
"It was I who commanded them to keep away, therefore is the responsibility for
the doing mine. Should you feel the need to heap accusation and establish
guilt, it is I who must be addressed. "

"What's he doing here?" I said to Murdock, who was half distracted and half
upset, none of which showed on his face. "Why did you bother establishing this
community in such an inaccessible place if you drag in every stray who comes
along?"

"Terrilian, I'm sure you know by now that Tammad is no stray," Murdock
answered, looking and sounding very tired. "You should know as well that
Lenham meant you no harm in his role as my agent, and was not permitted to
tell you the truth despite his wish to do so. You are understandably upset by
all the things you've learned and are about to learn, and are therefore
striking out at everyone in reach. Perhaps it would be best if I had you shown
to a room where you might rest."

"I'm not in the mood to rest," I denied with a shake of my head, more than
eager to be away from all those minds I could feel behind me, but not about to
let myself be chased off like a small, helpless animal. "You said you wanted
to know what happened to me in the complex, and right now I'm ready to talk
about it-which I might not be again. If you're ready to listen, get rid of
your pets. "

"I will not be dictated to in my own house," he answered, the coldness in his
voice and eyes the only indications of the growl in his mind. His twisted body
didn't stir in its special chair, but in all other, more important ways, he
stood straight and tall. "These people, like you, are my guests, and I will
not have them insulted. You may either be shown to a room, or you may speak in
front of them, and frankly I would prefer that you rested. You have hardly had
an easy time of it, and . . . "

"I've already said I'm not in the mood to rest," I repeated, close to a growl
of my own. "If you want everyone in the universe to hear this that's your
business, but I'm getting it said. After that, don't ask me about it again."

No one said anything else right then, or if they did I didn't hear it. I was
so-twisted tight and whirling inside, just as though there were something
wrong with me, which of course there wasn't. I looked down at my hands while
Murdock's-guests-brought themselves into the room and found places on the
carpet fur, their minds making such a clamor I almost exchanged my curtain for
a shield. Two women entered behind them, one with a tray of goblets and one
with a pitcher containing drishnak rather than kimla. I could smell the spicy
Rimilian wine as soon as it was in the room, and even knew the order in which
the men were served. First Garth and then Len, then Dallan and Hestin-the
healer from Vediaster-and lastly- I found myself wishing I could run somewhere
and hide, but instead began speaking.
"After the incident with the figurehead director, I was taken to the main part
of the complex," I said, still staring at my hands as I took up pretty much
from where I'd left off. "Everyone in sight told me what a shame it was that
the conditioning hadn't held, but that didn't mean I wasn't expected to do
what the other women there did. I was put on display for their exalted male
Primes, got chosen by one, but didn't please him as much as I was supposed to.
When he put a hand inside my clothes I slapped him, which amused no one at
all. They apologized to him for having inflicted me on him, took me to a room
where they caused me more pain than Id thought it was possible to feel, then
dressed me up and sent me back to the man I'd insulted. I was being given one
more chance to please him, and if I didn't do it I wouldn't be given another."

"Would they have killed you?" Ashton asked very quietly when I paused to sip
my kimla. "It doesn't make much sense going to all that trouble to kidnap
someone and then simply throw them away if things don't immediately work out.
Can they be such fools?"

"They aren't," I answered, only right then realizing I'd shed my curtain for a
shield after all. "You seem to forget that it wasn't my mind they needed, but
my body. All they had to kill was my mind, my knowledge of self, and then my
body would do just as they wanted. I was so terrified at the idea I thought
I'd do exactly what they told me to, but I seem to be incapable of acting
intelligently in situations like that. When the man humiliated me I insulted
him again, this time in front of everyone in the room, and they all went
foaming at the mouth. It would have been finished for me right then and
there-if the First Prime of the complex hadn't stepped in to claim me.

"Kel-Ten made them all back off, and then he took me to his apartment," I said
after a very brief pause. "He wasn't shy about helping himself to my use, but
that wasn't the main reason he'd exercised one of the privileges of his
position to make me his. When we were in a place where we couldn't be
overheard, he told me he wanted to escape from the complex and was offering me
the chance to go with him. He needed the help of another Prime he could trust
in order to get out of there, and told me that if I agreed to go along with
his plans, he'd key me awake.

"I can't say I really trusted Kel-Ten, but he was offering the only option I
could accept aside from suicide-which everyone in that place would have done
everything they could to prevent. When I agreed he took advantage of the
situation to treat me like a slave, using me to ease some of the pressure all
those drugs they fed him caused him to feel, but he also kept his promise. He
awakened me when he said he would, and I hid the condition behind a shield.
The great Primes in the complex don't know how to shield-not through their own
choice, anyway-and after that everything should have gone smoothly."

"Only it didn't," Ashton said, still helping me out   while I looked at no one
at all. "You were all alone in those woods where we   found you, so either you
two escaped together and then separated, or the man   never went with you. From
some of the other things you've said, I would guess   you escaped alone."

"I wouldn't have left him behind if I'd been certain he could go with me," I
said in little more than a whisper, closing my eyes against the nagging guilt
I continued to feel. "The male Primes all thought they were so free and
well-treated, but they were just as conditioned as the women, only in
different ways. When I asked Kel-Ten what happened to a First Prime who was
defeated, the question never registered in his mind because they didn't want
him thinking about that. He told me that at one time he'd tried refusing to
cooperate with them, and they'd forced him to change his mind. They knew he
still disliked being there so they gave him everything he wanted just to keep
him satisfied. It occurred to me that they might have also given him the hope
of escape-just to keep him going-but had conditioned him against ever really
trying it- I couldn't take the chance, I just couldn't! "

"No, taking a chance like that wouldn't have been very smart," Ashton said
with gentle reassurance from very near, and then her arm was around me. I
didn't realize until then that I was trembling, but didn't try to pull away
even though I had no need of her support.

"It would have been worse than not very smart," I said more calmly, sitting
unmoving against the arm around my shoulders, my eyes open again but staring
down at the carpet fur. "They have nulls as guards in that place, and one of
them decided he wanted me. While Kel-Ten was busy covering the female Primes
he'd been assigned to, the nullused the opportunity to enjoy himself. That
happened the night before I was awakened, but the next day I found out he
planned on doing it again that very day, and my being awakened would have been
no use at all. I wouldn't have been able to stop him from hurting me again, so
I-ran. I had myself sent to Serdin's office, found out that the null was too
important a man to be denied a little thing like-what he'd done to me-and
would do again-so I took over Serdin's mind and had him get me out of the
complex-and when I got into the woods the Ejects told me I'd be found no
matter how well I tried to hide-which meant there was a tracer under my skin
somewhere-and then they drove me off to keep me from leading the complex
people to them when I was found-they get used as targets for the male Primes
in their training-and then- I don't remember much after that besides running."

"Treda, be calm, you are safe now among friends," a soothing voice said from
my right, and I almost told it not to be silly, that I was calm, but then I
realized how hard I was breathing. It also came to me that my eyes were closed
again and that Hestin, the one who had just spoken, had a hand wrapped around
my right arm as his other hand stroked my hair. I didn't know how he could
have understood what I'd said since I'd been speaking in Centran, but there
was no doubt he had because he was speaking in Centran. And then there was
someone to my left, someone who wasn't Ashton.

"Hama, you have my word that I will seek out the ones who gave you pain and
will end their lives!" that deep voice said, the tone so full of fury that I
nearly cringed to think of what the mind behind it must be like. "Not again
shall I allow you to be taken from my side, no matter that in this last
instance the choice was not mine. Not again will it be allowed to occur."

The words were almost all growl, the sworn oath behind them so clear even
someone without hearing couldn't have missed it. I shuddered without being
able to stop it, only beginning to realize how ill I felt, then quickly leaned
away from the wide arms that were starting to go around me. I didn't want
those arms around me, and when I moved against Hestin his grip on my own arm
tightened just a little.

"Tammad, my friend, the woman is not well," he said, surprisingly with a frown
in his usually even voice. "Pain lingers in her on too many levels, and for
some reason she has done no more than merely begin the healing of herself.
Also, she must surely continue to have no memory of you, for the spirit within
her retreats in haste from the touch of your hands. Clearly must you exercise
patience in regard to . . . "

"What do you mean, `the healing of herself'?" Ashton suddenly demanded of
Hestin, no apology in her tone for having interrupted him. "Is that what you
call her use of pain control, or is there something . . . "

"Part of that pain has to be my fault," Len said, his voice filled with misery
and guilt. "Terry, please, you have to believe I didn't mean to hurt you like
. . _"

"Don't let what they did to you bother you any more, Terry," Garth said,
sounding utterly savage. "I'll be designing a good number of the attack plans
against them, and when I'm through there won't be anything left of . . ."

I sat there staring at the cup of kimla in my hands, surrounded by noise that
was climbing higher and higher in its level of strength. Murdock's voice added
itself to the others and so did Dallan's, both of them merging into the rising
explosion that was making me want to put my hands over my ears and race out of
there. In one way or another all those people were trying to make me believe
they cared about me, but all I felt like was a rock in a river, something the
violently swirling current was forced to go around. I couldn't . . .

"Silence!" a deafening shout suddenly came, a very deep voice that had used
sheer lung power to overcome the cacaphony that was about to split the walls.
It had come from behind me, in the direction of the door hanging, and quickly
got the silence it had demanded. When I realized everyone was looking that way
I twisted around to do my own looking, and saw the man and woman who had
evidently just come in. The man was in haddin and swordbelt and was just as
large and blond as all Rimilian l'lendaa, but the pretty woman was more my
size, with dark hair and light eyes. She wore a long, full skirt that was
almost a caldin but made of sturdier material, and her long-sleeved blouse was
more tunic than imad. She also stood in a pair of plain but well-made sandals,
and for some reason she was staring directly at me.

"Well, doesn't time fly when you're having fun?" Ashton commented from behind
me in a drawl. "Is it sundown already, Irin?"

Irin. The woman didn't answer Ashton but she also didn't stop staring, and
suddenly I felt very hollow inside. Those two standing at the door, the man
now joining the woman in her stare-they had to, be-my real parents



Chapter 12

"Why does she look so pale?" the woman suddenly demanded, taking a step
forward. "What have you all done to her? And why does she think she has to
shield here, back where she belongs? Damn you, Murdock, if you've made things
even worse-!"

"Calm yourself, Irindel," Murdock said from where I couldn't see him, his
voice filled with its usual diplomatic smoothness. "Your daughter has been
through a trying experience, but felt she needed to relate the episode for our
benefit. She would likely have been wiser resting first, but seems to have
inherited a good deal of your disposition. "

"Then perhaps one of greater wisdom should have seen to deciding the matter in
her stead," the man beside the woman Irin said in Centran while she looked
indignant, his steady blue gaze now resting beyond me, most likely on Murdock.
"One must be in full possession of one's wits to see the necessary; should the
situation be otherwise, those about that one must show sufficient concern to
give assistance."

"With all the experience you've had with Irin, Rissim, that's easy for you to
say," Ashton put in, sounding much too amused for a situation like that. "One
of the reasons your daughter tends to shield most of the time is because of
the strength of her mind. If you combine that with Irin's stubborness you get
someone who isn't that easily `assisted,' no matter how concerned those around
her are. You two may find yourselves glad she's been gone all these years."

"How dare you say something like that!" the woman Irin growled, her hands
closed to fists as her furious gaze found her sister. "There's nothing that
will ever make me glad my child was stolen from me, nothing! I'll make you
regret that twisted sense of humor of yours, Asha, you wait and see if I
don't!"

"Surely, Irindel, there will be better, more appropriate times for
recriminations," Murdock said before Ashton could come back with an answer
likely to continue the argument. "I, however, would consider it the perfect
time for introducing yourself to your daughter, and in turn having her
introduced to you. My study is just down the hall; why not use it before
returning to your own house?"

Suddenly the woman's eyes were back to me, and none of her previous anger was
anywhere to be seen. As a matter of fact she looked more like I felt:
completely at a loss with nothing of any sense or importance ready to be said.
We stared at each other in silence for what felt like hours, neither of us
apparently able to start taking Murdock up on his offer, and the double
hesitation proved to be too much for Ashton.

"For pity's sake, do you two intend playing statue for the rest of your
lives?" she demanded, the words accompanied by the sound of rising. "Since
you're both incapable of taking a hint, let me put it another way: how about
moving the reunion into the next room so the rest of us can get back to a
conversation with words?"

She must have known her suggestion would do no more good than Murdock's had,
and wasn't about to wait around to see it happen. Without warning her hand was
suddenly on my arm, and before I knew it the cup of kimla was gone and I was
on my feet. The next few minutes were very confusing in that Ashton took
charge of me and Rissim began navigating Irindel, both efforts ending us all
up in a small room a short distance away from the first. To this day I can't
call up a memory from then of how the room was furnished, but at the time it
took me no more than seconds to notice that Ashton disappeared immediately
without another word. That left just three of us in the room, and at least one
of the three decided she probably would have been smarter staying right where
she'd originally been.

"Perhaps it would be best, girl, if it were you who spoke first," Rissim said
after a moment, his deep voice very gentle. "It was, after all, we who allowed
you to be taken from us, we who permitted the severing of your proper blood
ties. Should you wish to voice anger at so vile a doing, the right is surely
yours."

I had been standing around on the carpet fur trying to find something to look
at, but what Rissim said made me stop and think. How did I feel about it all,
and if I didn't really , believe these strangers were my parents, why couldn't
I look at them?

"I don't yet feel any anger," I said after a pause of my own, forcing my eyes
back to where the two people stood. "I may decide it's appropriate if I can
ever get myself to believe all this on an emotional level, but right now I'm
too confused and upset to believe in anything beyond daylight and dark. And if
you want to be realistic about it, Ashton made a point that shouldn't simply
be dismissed. You've been looking forward to regaining a member of your
family, but how do you know you'll like the woman she's become?"

It took quite a lot for me to get that question out, and while I was under a
double light-eyed stare at that. There was no way to ever really know if what
I'd missed would have been better and more satisfying for me than what I'd
had, and that part of it was gone into the irretrievable past. My point was
much more relevant to the time we stood in, and was the one causing most of my
upset. At first I saw nothing but two people staring at me, no true expression
on either face, and then I realized how wrong I was. Quiet tears were running
down Irin's cheeks, and the light of a very warm smile showed in Rissim's
eyes.

"Were the question of liking truly at issue, we would now have our answer,"
Rissim said, the arm he had around his woman gently tightening as the smile
spread to his face. "Our love shall always be for the child produced by a
union of that love, yet liking, never so easily accomplished, is now the
belonging of one who first considers our feelings in the matter. In no manner
might a daughter such as that be unacceptable. "

He seemed to be telling the truth, but the answer he'd given wasn't really the
one Iii been looking for. I hadn't asked my question to impress anyone, just
to find out something I needed to know, and then it carne to me that lowering
my shield might be the way to get it. Most of the time it's a good deal easier
not knowing what others really think of you, but that time I wanted the truth
even if it hurt. If all that turned out to be reality rather than a disturbing
dream, the truth was something I had to have.

But the condition of my mind wasn't something to be inflicted on those around
me, most especially not without warning. Instead of simply dropping my shield
I replaced it with my curtain-and the next instant was nearly bowled over.
Reaching through the curtain showed that Rissim had been telling the truth as
he saw it, the vast calm of his mind confirming his words, but Irin-! She
wasn't simply feeling agreement she was aching with it, her fiercely burning
sense of pride nearly drowning in a flood of loss and guilt. Those reactions
immediately made me think she couldn't be trusted, a pointless, mindless
thought I thrust away without knowing where it came from, and then I was able
to understand why she felt as she did.

I hadn't been told the truth until a few days earlier, but she had lived with
it for all the years of my life.

No matter how good the reason, she had allowed her child to be taken from her,
to be raised by hated strangers and never told who her real people were.

If her child hated her for it, or worse, simply had no interest in knowing
her, there was nothing she would ever be able to do about it. It would come
close to killing her, but could never, ever be changed.

I stood there feeling what she felt, understanding her more completely than I
had ever done with anyone, realizing almost at once that she didn't know our
minds touched. Hers was bright and sharp, not possessing the strength of mine
but one of the strongest Id ever encountered, a loving, self-confident,
normally self-satisfied mind that now quaked with terror. The fear I'd felt
over not being liked was nothing when compared to her fear of the same thing,
a nightmare shed lived with for so many long, empty years. The passing time
had done very little to mar her prettiness, which meant I didn't feel quite so
strange when I opened my mind and my arms to her. She was, of course, the
elder between us, but she was the one who needed a child's comforting. She
sobbed once before rushing to me, and then it was hard to tell whether there
was more laughing or crying going on.

It didn't take long before Rissim joined in the hugging with laughter of his
own, and before I knew it reality retreated even farther away than it had been
before. It felt so right to be where I was, exchanging hugs with a woman I'd
never seen before, the two of us being hugged by a man I didn't know, all of
us touching minds so completely and freely that wed never be strangers again.
That was the way it happened in dreams, with laughter and no sense of worry;
something bothered me about that, but it was the only way I could take it.

The strongest emotions are too draining to sustain for very long, so it wasn't
more than a few minutes before we all took deep breaths and moved back just a
little to look at one another. There's nothing of intrusion involved in really
looking at your own, most especially in a dream. Irin had settled into a
glowing smile, and after shed taken a breath she shook her head.

"Asha may have the worst sense of humor I've ever come across, but I can see
she wasn't lying," I was told, a hand coming to smooth one side of my hair
back. "Your mind does have more strength than we've yet encountered, daughter
mine, and for the first time in my life I feel like bragging and strutting.
Not only do I finally have my firstborn back, and not only is she filled with
more compassion than I'd dared hope for, but she also comes back as an
excitingly wonderful example. Do you believe most of the people in this valley
think our talents have already been developed as far as they can go?"

"If that's true, they may not like finding out they're wrong," I answered,
feeling odd and almost comfortable. "People usually don't enjoy having their
beliefs torn away. "

"You don't understand," she said with a laugh, putting her hand to my arm. "It
isn't satisfied conviction your presence will disrupt, it's glum resignation.
No one was happy believing wed stretched to the end, but without anything
concrete to give us hope all we could do was accept the conclusion. Now we can
accept the truth instead, and as soon as we put paid to the sick plans of
Rathmore Hellman and his group, we can throw a celebration feast like you've
never seen. After that we'll get to work."

"Perhaps not all those in our valley will wish to begin a similar striving,"
Rissim said, looking me over with an odd bent to his thoughts, his arms folded
easily across his chest. "Our firstborn is truly sarella wenda, Irin, and many
will be the l'lendaa and varindaa who come seeking my approval. I shall listen
to each with courtesy and patience-and shall see more directly to those who
attempt to approach her rather than he who is her father. The old ways have
not died among us here, nor shall they the while I remain among the living."

"Oh, Rissim, no one will try to steal her from you, not with your reputation
as a l'lenda," Irin said with a laugh while I blinked at the big man who stood
beside her. "They'll all come to the front door, not try to sneak in through
the back, and in any event our little girl is not what I would consider
helpless."

She was still grinning when she turned away from him, then laughed again at
whatever my expression was like. I hadn't realized how-protected-it would feel
to have a Rimilian father, and I wasn't sure I liked it. It's really terrible
to be all alone and know there's no one there to help you but yourself, but
after you do it for awhile you sort of begin getting used to it. I could see
from Rissim's mind he expected me to get unused to it as fast as possible, and
like most Rimilian men wasn't prepared to take no for an answer.

"Now, Terry, don't let your father's overprotectiveness bother you," Irin said
as she patted my hand, amusement still clear in her mind. "You're the only
daughter I've managed to give him, and although men enjoy having sons they can
share manhood with, there's always a small part of them that yearns for a
daughter to protect. He only sounds as though he means to chase the l'lendaa
and varindaa away. He won't really do it."

"What are varindaa?" I asked, mainly to cover the fact that I couldn't think
of anything else. Rissim was grinning at me faintly, his mind practically
purring, his satisfied thoughts saying more plainly than words that he d be
the one to decide what he did and didn't do.

"Varindaa are mind warriors," Irin answered, a lot of pride behind the
explanation. "They've not only learned the use of a sword, they've also
mastered the ability to fight with their minds. It's dishonorable for any of
them to accept a challenge from someone who isn't a varinda, so they never do.
Your father is a l'lenda, but all your brothers are varindaa. "

"Which will be of additional aid in seeing properly to my daughter and their
sister," Rissim said with even more satisfaction while I felt the word
"brothers" echo in my head. I'd used the word many times before, but it had
never felt quite so-strange.

"A number of them will be extremely pleased to find they now have a sister,"
Rissim continued, his mind chuckling. "They have noted that those with sisters
are often in the company of wendaa it was not necessary to go seeking, for
wendaa come to visit those sisters. They will likely be less willing to accept
suitors than I, for they will not care to be deprived of your presence too
quickly. "

"Rissim, give the child a chance to breathe before you pair her or don't pair
her with a suitor," Irin said with another laugh, her eyes shining. "I for one
would like to get to know her first, before she's carried off to . . ."

"I must ask your pardon for this intrusion, yet does honor demand that I
speak," a voice said suddenly in Rimilian, a voice I unfortunately had no
trouble recognizing. "The woman may not be granted to another, for she has not
been freed of my bands. This man who stands beside me is my chosen brother,
and has come to assure you of the truth voiced by one who is a stranger to
you. "

"A stranger who intrudes uninvited in family matters," Rissim answered with a
frown, looking at the two men who had entered the room behind me. "Should it
be truth that my daughter has been banded by you, for what reason does she
fail to even turn and look upon you? If your bands are truly upon her, perhaps
they should not be. "

"Rissim, look, she's shielding again," lrin said as her arms went around me,
the glow of happiness gone from her face. "There's something wrong, and you
have to find out what it is. I don't care how dishonorable it is to keep a
woman from the man who banded her, I won't stand by watching while you give
her to him!"

"Hama, calm yourself," Rissim said while Irin held me tightly to her, her
thoughts having turned downright feral. I wasn't shielded, I was curtained,
and because of that knew the woman who held me close would not let me be taken
from her without a fight. She had let me go once against her better judgment,
and wasn't about to do it again. I put my own arms around her, knowing she
needed the reassurance a good deal more than I did.

"Irin, I, too, am able to see that this l'lenda believes he speaks the truth,"
Rissim went on, taking one step forward to put Irin and me somewhat behind
him. "I, however, will first have answers to my queries before any decision is
made as to what course of action is most honorable. For what reason does our
daughter refuse acknowledgment of your very presence, l'lenda? For what reason
has she withdrawn even her thoughts from you?"

"My brother is no more able to fathom the reason for such behavior than am I,"
answered a second voice, one I knew as well as the first. "I am Dallan, drin
of Gerleth, and my chosen brother here beside me is Tammad, denday of a great
city of the plains, and he who speaks first among those of the Circle of
Might. The wenda and I are helid, so close have we grown through the trials we
have faced, yet am I at a loss to explain my chosen sister's actions. It was
for Tammad's sake that Terril bested Vediaster's Hand of Power and faced the
Chama Farian, she who had made Tammad's capture possible. Solely was her
concern for him, and mightily did she strive till his freedom was assured, yet
now-"

"Perhaps it is as the Murdock McKenzie has said," the first voice put in,
sounding the least bit forlorn. "Her love for me was great, I know, as great
as mine for her, and for that reason did the enemy find it necessary to bury
the memory of me more deeply than the rest. Certainly in time I shall be
recalled by her, yet in too long a time many things may occur. Best would be
that I remain beside her, to aid in her recollection."

"Best?" I interrupted, finally turning to look at the big Rimilian without
letting go of Irin. "Who is that supposed to be best for? I've already told
you that I don't know you and don't want to know you, so why don't you go back
to where you come from? No one has a claim on me, not anyone, and if necessary
I'm willing to argue the point. I've had enough of being hurt by men; from now
on if there's any hurting to be done, I'm the one who'll do it."

Dallan and the one called Tammad just stood there staring down at me, Dallan's
mind whirling with the mix of many emotions, his friend struggling with
confusion and anger and loss. It was very clear Dallan had understood every
word I'd said even though I'd spoken in Centran, and that told me where he and
the others had been during the time Ashton and I had been getting to the
valley. Dallan and Hestin had been given the Centran language, and Garth had
probably been getting Rimilian, which meant the valley and its furnishings
weren't as primitive as they looked from the outside.

"The healer Hestin tells us Terril continues to be in pain," Dallan said after
an awkward moment, putting one hand to his friend's shoulder. "I cannot
believe Terril would truly harm Tammad even should she recall less than naught
of him, yet might it be best were she allowed a time to rest herself. Those
who feel pain often strike out with the same, and it would be foolish to
provoke an incident. Perhaps we may speak again later."

"A wise suggestion," Rissim agreed, his frown filled with quite a lot of
sympathy for the other big blond barbarian who simply stood in silence and
stared at me. Even a null would have felt the longing in the man's mind, but I
wasn't reacting in the same way. Some people deserved to lose things and never
get them back, and something told me the man called Tammad was one of those.

Irin and I waited near Murdocks front door while Rissim got my clothes
pouches, and then my new-found family took me home. Their house wasn't far
from Murdock's but must have been four times the size, all of it spreading
wide and easy from the central hallway, left, right, and straight ahead. There
were a number of women in the house but no men, and although I expected to be
introduced, lrin refused to stop for the amenities. What Dallan had said about
my being in pain had upset her, and she lost no time in getting me to a room
toward the back of the house. It was a pleasant room with yellow and silver
curtains on the windows, yellow and silver cushions on the dark brown floor
fur, and yellow and silver silks on the dark pile of bed furs. Just looking at
it made me feel comfortable and at home, and when lrin closed the door behind
us she immediately pointed to the bed furs.

"That's where I want you as fast as possible, young lady, and then we'll take
a closer look at you," she said, her frown in no way aimed at me. "The next
time I talk to Murdock, he's going to wish he had no ears! Would it have
killed him to tell us right away that you were in pain? Did the imbecile have
to wait until we heard it as a comment from a stranger? At the very least, we
could have been sitting down while we talked! Do you need help getting out of
your clothes?"

"I'm mostly just tired," I answered with a smile for her outrage, walking over
to the bed furs to sit down on them. "You have to ignore Dallan and his
fussing, or at least not take it very seriously. He's seen me in a really bad
way a few times, so now he looks at me and immediately assumes the worst.
After I've rested for a while I'll be just fine."

"You certainly will, because I'll be here to see to it," she said in a
no-arguments tone of voice, her hands on her hips while she studied me. "If
Iii known you were here on this world, having trouble, I would have- Well,
let's just say there would have been a lot less trouble. Will you open your
mind to me again?"

I shrugged and banished my curtain, then lay back on the bed furs when Irin
came closer and gestured me into doing it. She sat down beside me and put a
hand on my forehead, smiling with a warmth that burned steadily inside her. As
close as we were I could see the small lines on her face that said she wasn't
a girl any longer, that she wasn't really as close to me in age as a more
distant estimate might suggest. I very much wanted to get to know her, and
then one day I might even be able to believe . . .

Her strong, bright mind reached toward mine, and then I was aware of losing
aches and twinges I hadn't even known I was feeling. It was the first time
someone else had used pain control on me, and wasn't anything like the way it
had felt when I'd used it on myself. Very briefly I wondered why I hadn't used
it on myself again, and then the question faded away behind the soothing
influx of someone else's strength, letting me close my eyes and relax.

"Don't fall asleep yet," lrin said after a minute, taking her hand away as her
mind separated from mine. "If I know your father, he's right now in the middle
of having a meal put together for you, so you might as well wait and get it
eaten before settling down to rest. He would have been happy to see you no
matter what you looked like, but he'll be even happier once you aren't quite
so thin. "

"A typical Rimilian-male outlook," I said as I muffled a yawn, feeling very
comfortable. "They're so big themselves, they want to make sure the women
around them have enough size and strength to accommodate them without falling
apart. Please tell him thanks anyway, but he doesn't have to bother. I ate in
Vediaster, so I won't be hungry for a while."

"Terry, I feel something-odd-in your mind," she said, the hesitance in her
voice drawing my eyes to the faint worry on her face. "When you spoke just
now, there was a-strange sort of satisfaction inside you, almost like a
gloating. You know enough about Rimilia to know this is Rissim's house where
he has the final say on most matters, but you don't have any intentions of
going along with that say. Without bearing him any ill will you're just going
to refuse to obey him, and I'm willing to bet it's that that's bringing you
the satisfaction. The fact that you can refuse and make it stick. I don't
understand why you feel that way-or am I misinterpreting what I'm getting?"
"You're not misinterpreting," I answered, right then consciously aware of the
satisfaction she'd mentioned. "Irin, I spent quite a lot of time on this
world, and there was hardly a minute of it when I wasn't feeling like a
victim. All the men I encountered forced me to do things their way, all the
men, but now I no longer have to. I don't have to dress a particular way, I
don't have to please them to keep from getting punished, I don't have to eat
what I'm given to keep from being force-fed, none of it! If any of them tries
to force himself on me I'll take his mind apart and put it back together again
inside out, damn me if I don't! I won't ever be a victim again, no matter who
tries to make it happen!"

I was startled when I suddenly found myself being held tight by two slender
arms, the voice belonging to those arms making comforting, meaningless noises.
I hadn't realized I'd sat up on the bed furs, I hadn't realized sights of
other places and times had risen in front of my eyes, and I hadn't realized I
was trembling. I was feeling more confused than I had in a very long while,
but one thing I wasn't confused about: what I'd told Irin had been the truth.
When you let other people be in control of you you regretted it, one way or
the other, but always. When you reach a limit on the amount of pain you can
accept you either break or start to fight back, and I wasn't about to break.

Irin's mind soothed mine as well, and before I knew it I fell asleep. When I
woke again it was full dark, Irin was lighting one of the candles on the wall
in my room, and I actually felt rested enough to get up and start doing
things. The pouches with my clothes had been brought to the room, so the first
thing I did was strip, wash in the room's basin, then dress again in clothes
that hadn't been slept in. What was left of the marks on my back bothered
Irin, but not so much that she wasted a lot of time making furious and
disapproving noises. The evening meal was ready and waiting for us, and
disapproval could be voiced at another time.

Food wasn't the only thing waiting for us, something I found out as soon as we
entered the paneled, pillowed, and carpet-furred room. Trays held pitchers of
drishnak and a lighter wine, and various dishes were all ready to begin making
the rounds as soon as Irin and I could get started. The others they were going
to be making the rounds among were Rissim and his sons, some of whom had women
of their own. It was then that I learned I had eight brothers, the oldest of
whom was less than a year younger than me. Helliar was a varinda, as his name
showed, and his hug of greeting was a signal for a general rush from everyone
else. After that it was impossible separating one from the other even though
some were dark-haired like me and Irin, and some were blond like Rissim. All
of them were big, without doubt l'lenda size, and all of them were
delightfully crazy-as denizens of a happy dream should be.

By the time the meal was over, there were a lot of plates which had been
emptied during unending conversation and laughter. Helliar's woman Keffa had
asked me where I'd gotten the beautiful rose and pale gold outfit I had on,
and that meant I'd had to tell them I was Chama of Vediaster. The revelation
brought out delight and curiosity alike, and before I knew it I was telling
the story of how I'd become something I'd never wanted to be. Just about every
mind there was Prime quality or very close to it, so my story spread out into
a general discussion of mind strength which continued until Rissim finished
the last of his drishnak, then rose to his feet.

"I dislike the need for interrupting so pleasant a time, yet have I just been
informed of the arrival of those who asked if they might speak with Terril,"
he said, looking at all of us fondly. "Those who plan our attack against the
enemy are eager to learn what they might of the inner defenses of the places
we must enter. Should you be too wearied to speak with them, child, they may
be asked to return at another time."
"No, it's all right, I don't mind talking to them," I said, sharing the
general air of disappointment that our get-acquainted conversation had to end,
but also sharing the eagerness in the minds around me to face our enemy. Once
they were defeated the valley could stop being a secret, empaths could stop
living half lives-and no more of us would be in danger of being kidnapped and
bred like farm animals. I wanted to get to the end of planning and the
beginning of attacking, and every one of my newfound family agreed with me.

Before going with Rissim I said good night to my two youngest brothers, who
were about to leave for their room. In the midst of all the confusion of
meeting so many new people I wasn't sure how old they were, but the elder of
the two was already as tall as I and the younger almost the same, even though
neither of them were young men yet. They were only boys, mere children, but
their minds were bright and warm and loving, fiercely glad to welcome me to
the family and fiercely determined to see to my future protection. They gave
me careful good-night hugs to be certain they didn't hurt me with their
already considerable strength, then calmly took themselves off to bed after
kissing their parents, quietly discussing their hopes that the attack would
wait a little while longer so they would be old enough to join in. They both
wore haddinn and sword belts like their father and brothers, and although
their swords weren't full l'lenda size, they were already good with the
weapons.

I was so wrapped up in deep, pleasant thoughts that I followed Rissim through
the house without paying much attention to where we were going. I'd never
known anything could be as good as that meal Iii just been a part of, the full
and complete sharing of people who were just like me, knew me for what I was,
and still very much wanted me to be one of them. I wondered briefly what it
would have been like actually growing up in that atmosphere of love and caring
and sharing, and suddenly felt very cheated. I hadn't been allowed to stay
with my own, had been forced instead to spend my time among cold, crippled
strangers, but it wasn't Irin and Rissim's fault and it wasn't Murdock
McKenzie's. It was the fault of those people we had to face and defeat, those
filthy animals who had made my exile necessary.

"I hope that expression isn't meant for one of us," a voice said suddenly,
bringing me out of the dark red cloud that had come into being around me. "All
we came for was to ask a few questions, but we didn't intend asking them with
swords. Are we going to have to defend ourselves?"

I looked up in surprise at seeing Garth, realized his question had only been
half-joking, then glanced around at the weapons-hung meeting room Rissim and I
had entered. Six or seven men stood on the far side of it with Rissim, five of
them studying me with one degree or another of concern. I understood then that
I hadn't shielded or curtained my mind in hours, and what I'd been feeling
toward the people on New Dawn must have been painful for those who could feel
it. As a matter of fact there was a light sheen of sweat on Garth's forehead,
which probably meant I'd gotten through to the untalented as well. I could see
there was still a lot I had to learn about controlling myself, and if I didn't
learn fast I'd end up as cut off from the people around me as I would be
unawakened.

"Gentlemen, I'm sorry," I said quickly, trying to make them know I really
meant it. "I've grown too used to having no one but myself able to feel my
emotions, the results of living my life behind a curtain. Please let me be the
one to shield, at least until I learn to pay attention to what I'm
projecting."

"No, wenda, such shielding would be neither pleasant nor necessary," one of
the group around Rissim said, a   faint smile on his face as he held up one
hand. "We are none of us harmed   by the magnificent strength of your mind, and
anger shared is anger eased. We   ask only that you take a moment to compose
yourself, and then we may begin   our discussion."

The blond man, wearing a long robe over his haddin and no swordbelt, bowed
toward me before turning to the men with him, and beside me Garth shook his
head.

"The magnificent strength of your mind," he repeated, his smile on the wry
side. "If even 1 felt it, magnificent is too pale a word. I hope you know how
much I appreciate your having spared me that until now."

"Not as much as you'll appreciate being spared from now on," I came back,
looking up into his gray eyes. "If I don't learn to watch myself, I'll deserve
being locked up alone in my head. I see you had no trouble understanding what
the man said in Rimilian, so you were given the language. The only thing I
don't understand is what you're doing here."

"I'm here as a member of the attack-planning team," he said, faint surprise in
his mind. "As soon as they found out I was Tammad's intended tactician, they
drafted me for their own effort. Didn't you hear me when I told you that
earlier?"

"I suppose I heard it, but too much has happened in between for me to have
remembered," I answered, taking a deep breath. "I'm trying to believe them,
Garth, I'm really trying to believe I belong here, but sometimes I feel like
I'm digging under a wall that extends down into the ground. If I keep digging
I might find the bottom, but I also might find nothing but more wall."

"Don't be afraid to believe, Terry," he said, the sober words soft as he put a
hand on my arm. "I know how much hurt there is in believing the wrong thing,
but there are times when you have to trust your instincts and take the risk. I
knew I belonged on this world as soon as I got here, and now you have the
chance of finding out the same thing. Just remember who told you that first,
way back at the beginning."

His faint smile was warm and friendly, but remembering when he and Len had
tried to get me to commit myself to the Rimilian cause didn't make me feel the
way he did. It made me feel strangely-empty instead, which meant it was time
for a change of subject.

"Well, I'm ready to get started," I said, looking around toward where the
others stood. "Anybody else in the mood to discuss our enemy?"

The immediate agreement I got showed just how much in the mood they were, so
we all sat down on the floor fur with cushions handy, getting comfortable
before getting down to it. I saw Rissim where he stood to one side of the
room, his arms folded and his mind concerned despite the firm hold he had on
his emotions, and was surprised that he wasn't joining us. It almost seemed as
though he were standing guard against something while the rest of us worked,
but what he might be guarding against I couldn't imagine.

The man who had first spoken to me was Lamdon, and he was the one who
chaired-or floored-the discussion. He questioned me about the complex, and saw
to it that the others took turns with the questions they had instead of all
talking at once and drowning each other out. Those men were avid for anything
and everything I could tell them, knowing that each bit of information put
them closer to the doing and farther from the waiting. They'd waited long
enough, and now they wanted to do.
"And the guards, you say, were unarmed," Garth recapped when it was his turn,
his expression all frown, his mind not far different. "How can they be
considered guards, if they don't even have so much as a calm-down spreader? Or
could they have been carrying spreaders without your knowing it? Do you know
what a spreader looks like?"

"I would venture to say they indeed carried naught," Lamdon put in before I
could admit I wouldn't have known a spreader if it had been dropped in my lap.
"You must recall, friend Garth, that those who must most be guarded against
are within rather than without, and those within may not be allowed close
proximity to weapons. With sufficient mind strength one may gain such a weapon
for oneself, a happening those of the complex would scarcely be eager to
allow. The wenda has told us that those without the dwellings bore weapons,
while those within did not. From this we must allow for the possibility of
hidden weapons within, weapons which would quell an outbreak of strength, yet
do naught of permanent harm to those they touched. Does this seem likely to
you?"

"Very likely," Garth answered, nodding slowly as his mind worked furiously.
"Within those parameters there are only a small number of devices they might
possibly have in use, and they're not hard to guard against if you know
they're there. We'll have to take precautions just in case they also have
actual weapons, but crash teams going in first should be able to handle the
possibility. We neutralize the outer defenses, hold the entrances while the
crash teams go in and knock out their central monitoring stations, then we
take the place down one section at a time. Those inside guards have to be
specialists in hand-to-hand, they'd be useless decorations if they weren't, so
wed better make sure we don't forget the point."

"I think they are better than average with their hands," I put in, fascinated
with the way everyone spoke the language he felt most comfortable with, then
listened in whatever language was being spoken to him. "One of their nulls
made a comment about not being afraid of what Kel-Ten might do to him with his
hands, saying there would be nothing he could do. Kel-Ten is too big to
dismiss that lightly, even by someone the null's size, unless there's more
involved than size."

I still felt a shiver pass through me at thought of that null Adjin, a touch
of terror I couldn't seem to shake even though I knew I'd never see him again.
I fought with the feeling while everyone considered what I'd said, then let
myself be distracted when Lamdon stirred where he sat and smiled at me.

"Such information as that is precisely what we seek, and yet was it nearly
unmentioned by cause of your not having sooner realized its value," he said,
making a comment which was in no way a condemnation, his light eyes mild. "I
wonder if we might ask a favor of you, wenda, one which would benefit us a
great deal. Should you agree, I have the ability to merge minds with you in a
manner which is likely unfamiliar to you. You would have little or no
knowledge of that which was said by you, for I alone would direct the path of
your memory, touching all things in detail or merely in passing. Naught would
be forgotten nor overlooked, and still you would have no need to relive that
which continues to bring you pain. Would you permit a merging such as that?"

Every man there sat quietly waiting for my answer, and only then did I
understand that they hadn't missed what discussing the complex made me feel.
Being completely unshielded had its drawbacks as well as its benefits, and I
nearly called up my curtain before realizing that hiding would not help. If I
was ever going to be one of those people I had to be one of them without
anything to hide behind, and forcing myself to cooperate right then might make
it easier the next time I had to do it. My first, most immediate reaction
would have been to refuse, but I pushed the refusal away with a shrug.

"If I can help without having to scratch at wounds which haven't yet healed,
of course I'll do it," I said, trying for an encouraging smile to give all
those gentle, worrying minds. "I want to get those people at the complex at
least as badly as you do, so we can at least try this mind merging. Will my
not being familiar with it make it harder to do?"

"No, wenda, only I need know what must be done," Lamdon said, his voice as
soothing as his smile. "Also would I have you realize that it shall not be we
alone who benefit from the effort. You, too, will have an easing for your
striving, an easing which should have been given you many days earlier. A pity
there were none with Murdock McKenzie who possessed the ability, a great pity,
a great pity, a great . . ."

His voice droned on and on without meaning, his lovely blue eyes growing
larger and larger as his gentle mind came closer to mine. I had never seen
eyes grow that big before, and before I knew it I was bathing in them, bathing
in them, bathing . . .

And then I was taking a deep breath and blinking, needing to stretch a little
where I sat on the carpet fur, but otherwise feeling better than I had in
quite a while. I had an immediate sense of time having passed from the minds
around me, so that meant whatever had been tried had worked even if I didn't
remember it. Lamdon wasn't within inches of me as I seemed to remember him
being so I was able to look around at the other men, but once I did the smile
I had begun faded to nothing. The people in the room weren't the same ones who
had been there before that-merging, and I didn't much care for most of the
substitutions..

"Please don't be angry, Terry," Irin said as she moved. closer to me, her long
skirt making the shift awkward. "You have a problem that needs to be solved
for everyone's sake, most especially yours. Lamdon helped us all understand
what it was,. and now we have to make you understand. Will you let us do
that?"

Her mind and eyes were filled with compassion and a very great need to help,
but it was still all I could do to keep my anger from reaching out to her and
everyone in the room. They were all desperate to help-Irin and Rissim and
Lamdon and Garth and Len and Dallan and Hestin and that one called
Tammad-whether or not I wanted to be helped. I sat silently for a moment,
working to control myself, then nodded curtly.

"All right, you all feel I have a terrible problem and you're determined to
help me solve it," I said, making no effort to have them think I was feeling
in the least friendly. "Since I can see you're going to keep bothering me
until I agree to listen I'll do it, but don't expect to be satisfied with the
way the discussion turns out. I'm promising to listen, but that's all I'm
promising."

"The stubbornness of stone has ever been one of your virtues, wenda," the one
called Tammad commented, his tone dry and his mind annoyed. "The wrong done to
you has been more than great, a wrong 1 shall right with the edge of my blade,
yet have 1, too, been wronged. As you alone may right this second wrong,
perhaps you will consider acquiring a like determination.

"I feel sure, denday Tammad, that my daughter will approach this matter with
reason and understanding," Rissim said from his place to Irin's right in the
circle our group formed on the floor fur, his voice calm and his mind the
same. "Although in one sense she has not long been a daughter to me, she is,
in fine, no other thing and has never been other than that. She is blood of my
blood, and will surely conduct herself as such."

His light blue eyes came to me at that point, nothing in them but the easy
conviction that everything he'd said was true. I hadn't much liked what that
Tammad had said, but suddenly I was wondering if I liked Rissim's speech any
better. There was no doubt in his mind that I was his daughter, and I'd been
wasting my time worrying about whether or not I'd be accepted. Acceptance was
inarguable and automatic, mine simply by virtue of my being there, but what I
did did not fall into the same category.

"I'm sure wed all like this to be over and done with," Irin said hastily, her
arm suddenly around me, most likely in response to what she could feel in my
mind. "Since going over the problem should settle it, let's start going over
it. Len, you said you could do it best'?"

"I think so, but first there's another misunderstanding to straighten out,'
Len answered with a nod from where he sat between Garth and Tammad, his sober
gaze resting on me. "Terry, when I saw all the things you were becoming able
to do with your mind I did run scared, but not for the reason you think. I
wasn't afraid of you, and I didn't mistrust you; except for being the one to
accomplish all you did, you really had nothing to do with it at all."

He paused then, to give me a chance to comment if I wanted to, but he was the
one with all the explanations. When he saw I had nothing to say, he sighed
inwardly and plowed on.

"You have to understand one very important point before any of the rest of it
will make sense," he said, his eyes now trying to send belief, his mind
deliberately refusing to do the same. "The Amalgamation differentiates between
Primes and ordinary empaths, but Terry-our people here have found that the
only difference between the two is this: Primes are born with the greater
strength, and other empaths have to work for it. Prime strength can be
achieved by any empath if they're properly trained, so every one of us is a
potential Prime."

This time I didn't say anything because my mind was too shocked, not to
mention too busy racing around trying to digest that unbelievable statement.
All the valley people present were confirming what had been said with their
calm acceptance of the matter, leaving me no choice but to believe the
unbelievable. All empaths were potential Primes, and where you get has always
been more important than where you start from. The same strength was available
to all of us, but the Amalgamation didn't know that!

"Good grief, Len, they've been throwing their ordinary empaths away!" I
blurted, suddenly even more shocked. "They keep the born Primes, and all the
rest are called Ejects and simply kicked out to live as they can or die if
they can't! They've had just the numbers they wanted right in their hands, and
all they did with them was throw them away!"

"Which is my idea of proper justice," Len said in agreement, sharing the grim
pleasure the other valley people felt. "I hurt for the pain given my brothers
and sisters, but at least they were spared the need to find themselves working
to further the aims of their enemies. Once we defeat that garbage, our people
will be rescued and helped to live normal lives.

"Considering what I've just told you, I now have to explain why I'm not Prime
strength yet," he went on after taking a deep breath to calm himself. "I've
visited here often enough to have gotten the training but the day I reached
Prime strength would have been the day I had to stay here permanently. I'm not
supposed to be a Prime, and if I went back to work for Central and someone
accidentally discovered I was, my usefulness and freedom would have been over
together. Not to mention the fact that they would then have known a lot more
than we wanted them to."

"Okay, I can understand that," I conceded, finding it just about the only
point not wrapped a mile deep in confusion. "What I can't understand is what
that can possibly have to do with your being afraid. Since you know so much
more about it, you shouldn't . . ."

"Terry, the fact that I know so much more about it is the point," he
interrupted, more upset with himself than with me. "1 d thought, just like
everyone else, that there was a limit to what Primes can do, and then there
you were, so far beyond our best that it was frightening. And not only that,
but it was clear you were still growing! If I'd thought those sorts of
abilities were beyond me I wouldn't have minded, but what one of us can do, so
can the rest! But wed tried, hard and often, and had discovered that ordinary
practice couldn't advance us to your level. That meant wed have to go through
what you went through-all that pain and terror-once I reached Prime strength
I'd have to try for it, my nature would refuse to let me do anything else. I
don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life-"

He sat trembling with his hand over his eyes, his mind reaching out for and
clinging to the comfort being sent to him by just about everyone in the room,
the fear he'd spoken of a very odd thing. It wasn't the sort of fear most
people feel, the kind that sends panic racing through you and you racing
through anything in your path to getting away. Len's fear was the terrible
sort that's felt when the last thing you want to do is what you intend, but
you know you will do it because you have to. No matter what. No matter how
much it hurts. That kind of fear just sits on you and digs in, spreading out
and using its claws and teeth, turning your life into a waking nightmare. I
would have known how Len felt even if I couldn't read his emotions so clearly,
and from that I knew the comforting the others were giving him was no more
than wasted effort.

"I think I've found another difference between Primes and ordinary empaths," I
said after a moment, putting an insulting drawl into the words. "Primes learn
to think, an ability that seems to be beyond some of the ordinary."

The minds around me immediately began registering offended outrage and
disapproval on Len's behalf, but Len was the one I was watching most
carefully, and his sense of insult died almost before it was born. He pulled
his hand from his eyes so he could look at me with all the suspicion he felt,
knowing I'd said what I had on purpose even though he couldn't see the
purpose, so I shook my head at him.

"You know, Len, I really admire the courage of people who get their exercise
from jumping to conclusions," I said, feeling how my continued drawl was
adding to his annoyance. "I don't think much of their intelligence, but I do
admire their courage in making assumptions and then living their lives to suit
the conclusions. Doing it that way means they never know what will happen, but
that doesn't stop them from plowing through life both deaf and blind."

"All right, Terry, why don't you just say what you have to straight out," he
came back, the annoyance turning his voice into the next thing to a growl.
Before all the time he'd spent on Rimilia, he would have reddened; right then
he was more angry than embarrassed. "I know you're dying to show me how wrong
I am, so why don't you just do it."
"After a lovely invitation like that, I'll be glad to," I responded, leaning
down to a red cushion as I grinned at him. "You've already said you know what
I had to go through to develop strength and extra abilities, but there's one
thing you haven't said. How do you know everyone else will have to go through
the same?"

"Why-it stands to reason," he answered, but more defensively and hesitantly as
he frowned. "The people here have tried to go farther ahead, and haven't been
able to do it. You did it, but only after going through the outlying districts
of hell. What other conclusion is it possible to draw?"

"Len, when people first started flying, they did more crashing into the ground
than staying in the air," I told him gently, feeling the attentiveness that
now surrounded me-and from him as well, which was what I'd been trying for.
"Just because the pioneers crashed doesn't mean we have to accept crashing on
a regular basis if we want to fly, all it means is that we have their pain to
thank for our present comfort in traveling. I happen to believe that if you
crash you're not doing it right, and history tends to be on my side. When you
know something is possible but dangerous you look around for a way to make it
safe, and that's called progress. "

"I think you almost have me convinced," he grudged, his mind a good deal
happier and freer than his tone, and then his eyes were directly on me again.
"I still don't like the way you got me to listen, but I suppose stubbornness
is another thing Primes and ordinary empaths have in common. And now, I'm
happy to say, it's my turn to give you a hand."

"I've had a hand from you before," I told his grin as I straightened off the
cushion again, remembering all too clearly the times he'd touched me when I
hadn't wanted him to. "Since I don't expect this time to be any better than
the others, just do it so I can get back to my room."

"Terry, you're not about to be heartlessly violated," he said, the words
strong and direct without any pity or overgentleness to them, his eyes and
mind the same. "You're confused and very hurt over what happened to you, and
all we're going to do is clear the confusion away. Lamdon has already helped
by making sure talking about it will be a little easier for you, so let's get
started. This First Prime named Kel-Ten, the man who claimed you; what kind of
man was he, and what did he look like?"

"He didn't look any different than anyone else," I answered, taking my turn at
frowning. "He was a fairly big man, and few of the others were able to match
his size. He had' blond hair and blue eyes, I suppose you would call him
handsome. He had a lot of women to take care of due to his being First Prime,
but he seemed to be more interested in me than in them, and not only because
we were planning to escape together. I don't know, there was something about
the way he looked at me, especially after they told him he would be the first
to-to-"

I couldn't quite bring myself to talk about being bred like an animal, not
even when it was fury I was beginning to feel at the thought instead of the
desperate sickness I'd felt at the time. I looked away from Len while I tried
to think of a more graceful way to get out of going on than simply stopping,
but he saved me the trouble. He'd asked his question for a reason, and what
answer I'd given was apparently enough.

"So the man was big, blond and blue-eyed, important, and claimed you because
he wanted you," Len summed up, ignoring the ragged ending I d given him. "You
remember everything about him, especially not liking him and not trusting him
at all. What you claim you don't remember is anything about Tammad, even
though the rest of us can feel your hostility toward him without half trying.
Terry: is it really true that you don't remember Tammad-or are you remembering
him with Kel-Ten imposed on top? Is it really Tammad you don't want to know-or
is it Kel-Ten you're rejecting in his place?"

By that time I was back to looking at Len, the soberly intense questions he'd
asked making me feel even more confused than I had moments earlier. I didn't
even glance at the big Rimilian to his left, but suddenly I became aware of a
cloud of calm that was thinning around the edges. Underneath was a thick
conglomeration of most of the more violent emotions-rage, fury, the need for
vengeance, bloodlust, hatred-but somehow I knew none of that was aimed at me.
What was aimed at me was something I had no interest in, something I didn't
even want to try to read.

"Terry, you're backing away again," Len said; a faint sound of warning in his
voice. "If anyone should know you can't solve a problem by running away, I'm
it. Think about what I'm saying, and consider the possibility that it's true:
you're blaming Tammad for something Kel-Ten did, but you aren't doing it
consciously. They must have put you through extra conditioning to erase Tammad
from your memory, so you're having a harder time bringing back the truth of
him. With just about all of the rest of your memories restored you think you
should be remembering him too, but you aren't. What you're doing is filling in
the gaps with Kel-Ten, reconciling what's missing that way. You do remember
Tammad, but the Tammad you remember isn't what you should be remembering.
Won't you admit that what I just said makes sense?"

Len's voice had taken on a coaxing, urging quality, his effort to get me to
admit the possibility shared by most of the minds around us. They all believed
he was right and wanted me to believe it with them, but my mind had developed
a sort of-transparent buffer that let me see the emotions being sent at me
even as they were shunted past me. It was almost like what I'd seen that
trainer do back in the complex, a trick I seemed to have borrowed to take care
of the way other people's minds influenced mine without my being aware of it.
That was a problem Ashton had mentioned to me, one that was now settled.
Another was that I was seeing Kel-Ten when I looked at Tammad, but only
because they were two of a kind.

"What you said makes a lot of sense, Len," I conceded, giving no indication
that I saw the flash of triumph in his mind. "The only problem I have with it
isit isn't entirely true. I'll admit I was lying when I said I didn't remember
Tammad; after seeing him a couple of times it all came back in a rush.
Insisting I didn't remember seemed the easiest way of getting everyone to stop
pestering me about him, but since it isn't working I might as well tell you
all the truth. I remember everything about him, but I still don't want to know
him. Can I go back to my room now?"

A deafening uproar doesn't necessarily have to be verbal, not when it's a
bunch of empaths you're sitting among. The silent torrent of shock and protest
and confusion would have come close to drowning me if that buffer hadn't still
been in place, and then the flood was distracted by the expected someone, who
managed to put his thoughts into words first-as usual.

"Wenda, I cannot find meaning in what you have said," Tammad told me, his
voice soft and even despite the raging hurt and disappointment boiling around
behind his cloud of calm. "You would have me believe you recall the life we
had begun together, the deep full love we shared, and still you wish to know
naught further of me? Surely must there continue to be confusion within you, a
lack of true memory and the sight of another in my place. It cannot . . ."

"You don't believe it's you I'm remembering?" I interrupted, finally looking
straight at him instead of avoiding it the way I'd been doing. "You still
think it's only Kel-Ten? Well, try this: He saw me and decided he wanted me,
and I had no say in the matter. He really enjoyed taking me to bed, but the
thought of sharing me with others of the Primes didn't bother him at all. He
forced me to obey him, dressed me the way he pleased, humiliated me any time
the mood struck him, and never once doubted he had the right. Does any of that
sound familiar to you, l'lenda? Can you never remember being amused over
something that shamed me, was there never a time when what I wanted was
immediately and absolutely dismissed from your consideration? If that's your
definition of love, I'd rather be hated. Or beaten, which is something else
I'm sure you can't remember ever having done to me. I really would like you to
find someone else to love. I'm too tired to go through any more of that. "

I didn't need Irin's arm tightening around me to know how ragged my emotions
had grown, a condition that cut me off from the man I'd been looking at. Only
one small part of me refused to admit I didn't want him near me any longer,
but that one part probably enjoyed the pain I'd been given. The rest of me
didn't want him any longer, or the pain either.

"Is it possible my daughter speaks the truth, denday Tammad?" Rissim asked in
the ragged silence while Irin urged me to put my head down on her shoulder.
"Most of those seated with us feel appalled, yet do I hear naught of protest
even from you. Can it be this lack of words speaks more clearly than a score
of voices?"

"No!" Tammad denied immediately, his emotions trying to rampage out of his
control of them. "I am l'lenda, and when I came upon an unbanded woman I
desired, I took her for my own! The price I gave for her possession was more
than dinga, yet did I give it gladly! My heart was hers nearly from the first
moment I beheld her, yet was it necessary that I labor long and strenuously
before hers was mine as well. Was there never a time we quarreled, never a
time when despair drove me to offering her pain rather than due punishment?
Most certainly there were such times, yet not beyond the moment we truly
looked upon one another. Are you able to deny there was a time such as that,
woman? Did we not come to terms with our differences, and find happiness in
each other's arms?"

"How much happiness did we find when I told you I didn't want to go with you
to the Chama's palace in Vediaster, but you forced me to go anyway?" 1
countered, closing my eyes to help keep my voice steady. "I asked you to let
me go with Dallan instead, but you decided it would be foolish to pamper a
woman's groundless fears. Didn't that happen after that coming-to-terms time?
Have you any idea what was done to me because you were too high and mighty a
l'lenda to listen to a lowly wenda?"

"In my own capture I was fully informed of what had become of you," he
answered in the newest, deepest silence, his voice now dead, his mind
overflowing with self-condemnation. "I-begged-to have the agony of such
torture given instead to me, yet such as those who held us take what they wish
and give naught in return. So now we have come to the true reason you no
longer wish knowledge of me, and I find myself suddenly bereft of the ability
to seek argument against your choice. You have cause to feel disgust in my
presence, hama sadendra, a fact which I cannot deny."

Even without opening my eyes I knew that his head was bowed low, 'r the mighty
l'lenda who was never ashamed to shed tears when the pain he felt was great
enough. I knew exactly how much pain he felt; I could reach it even through
the cloud of calm he used in place of a shield. He'd sworn to protect me and
had instead been the cause of my capture and torture, and that was something
he would never be able to forgive himself for. I pressed my cheek into Irin's
shoulder, fighting to keep myself from soothing away that guilt, struggling to
show nothing of what was really inside me. If I could just hold out long
enough it would all be over, and neither one of us would ever have to cry
again.

"And yet, Tammad, it was fear for your safety and the need for your freedom
which filled her thoughts at all times," Dallan said suddenly out of the blue,
sounding as though he were doing no more than thinking aloud. "When she first
awoke in Leelan's house, she would have immediately gone seeking you in the
palace had she found herself able to stand. Hestin and I together were unable
to hold off her determination past the time she was able to stand. Had it
proven necessary, she would surely have gone to the palace alone rather than
in the company of w'wendaa, with others poised without the walls awaiting the
time to strike. Can those be the actions of one who condemns her memabrak for
having placed her in jeopardy?"

There were no comments made aloud to that, but Hestin's firm agreement
couldn't be missed any more than Tammad's sudden confusion. I was so tired I
wanted to give it all up and run, but Len had been right about the futility of
running. Id been trying to make sure there would be no pursuit when I finally
took to my heels, but it wasn't working out at all the way I'd wanted it to.

"Also do I now recall a comment which was made at the time," Dallan went on,
warming to his subject apparently without noticing everyone's reaction to what
he was saying. "It was pointed out by my sister Terril that although she had
somehow known danger lay in wait for her and the others, she had failed to
realize that it was her dark hair and green eyes which would betray them to
their enemies. Had this understanding come to her soon enough for her to speak
to you of it, brother, would you have continued refusing to give heed to her
insistences? Somehow I think not."

"It is among my own recollections that this treda longed for you even when
asleep, Tammad," Hestin said, speaking as comfortably as Dallan had. "There
was fury in her for none save those responsible for many outrages, naught of
anger for those who fell victim to them. I feel that the sharpness of her
recent words have as their source part of the pain which continues to hold her
so tightly, a pain which I cannot read save for knowing of its presence. There
is more here than meets the eye, my friend, and I believe we would be wise to
delve more deeply into it. "

"Hama, what words are these that they speak to me?" Tammad asked, still
feeling confused but with his head no longer down. I could see him so clearly
even with my eyes closed, just as I had always been able to do, but what
difference did that make? Back to the beginning of time people had been able
to see clearly the far horizon and long for it, but that didn't mean they were
ever able to reach it and make it theirs.

"Daughter, you too must speak to us in explanation," Rissim said, his tone
very gentle but not one that would let itself be ignored. "No more than truth
has been uttered by you thus far, yet is it a strange truth seen from a view
others fail to share. Should you remain mute, I will have little choice save
to return you to the bands of this man who is your memabrak."

"You can't return me to him because he isn't my memabrak," I said, beginning
to feel dizzy and even more tired despite the loving support being sent me by
Irin. "When he heard they wanted me to be Chama of Vediaster he decided to
give me up for the sake of those who claimed to need me so badly, sacrificing
his own claim for the sake of a city full of people. That wasn't the first
time he decided to give me up and it looks like he changed his mind again, but
this time I'm not going to let him change it back. This time he's going to go
through with it."

If the earlier noise in the room was mental, what broke out right then was
mostly physical. Rissim rumbled something in outrage, Len and Garth
immediately began throwing questions around, and Tammad's own words were
buried under everyone else's. Emotions flew behind the gabble like attacking
ghosts, every feeling ready to go for the throat of all the others, and I
don't know how long it would have continued if thick, heavy serenity and calm
didn't suddenly appear in the middle of it all to force its way outward. I
opened my eyes as the raging riot settled down then faded to nothing, and so
was able to see the faint smile on the face of Lamdon.

"For all to speak at once is possible, yet only among those with no interest
in listening," he said, looking around to make sure everyone understood it was
he who had quieted the room. "As the girl's words have clearly caused a great
deal of agitation, best would be to speak in turn so that all may hear what is
being said. Which of you will begin the thing?"

"I will begin," Tammad jumped in before any of the others could, anger
flashing from his light blue eyes. "I have no understanding of the reason
which would cause so patently false an accusation to be leveled at me! The
girl has been through much, I know, yet to lower herself to such absurd . . .
"

"Absurd?" Len interrupted with a snort, so coldly angry and aggressive that I
almost didn't recognize him. "How many times is she supposed to go through the
same thing with you before her refusal to do it again isn't absurd? Are you
trying to claim you never did decide to give her up and then changed your
mind, or are you saying two or three times isn't enough to complain about? I
agreed to follow you, Tammad, so why don't you make the effort to show one of
your followers just how honorable you are?"

Len was staring at Tammad with Garth to Len's right wearing the exact same
expression, two minds filled with bitter disappointment over seeing their idol
crumble. The big barbarian returned their stare with the anger fading inside
him, having no trouble understanding that the two weren't challenging him.
They both knew he could draw his sword and end them without either of them
being able to stop him, but they didn't particularly care if he did just that.
They were too full of hurt and bewilderment to care, but all Tammad felt
himself was confused.

"It did indeed seem, on more than one occasion, that best for the woman would
be my unbanding of her," he allowed, trying to be gentle with the two men
despite his own upset. "Each time I found that life without her would be no
more than death in truth, therefore did I strive to give her understanding
rather than unbanding. This last instance, however, did not occur, for I would
not have . . ."

"Tammad, my friend, the incident was spoken of to me at the time," Dallan
interrupted in embarrassment, obviously trying to keep his chosen brother from
outright lying. "The woman cannot be accused of speaking falsely, for I saw
with my own eyes the shattered bones of her contentment, the meaninglessness
her victory had become. She walked and breathed, yet true life was no longer
within her."

"Dallan, it cannot be so," Tammad protested, even more confused than he had
been, his eyes now resting on the man who looked back at him in discomfort.
"If such a thing was told you, why was the matter never spoken of to me? Is a
man to stand condemned through accusation alone, in no manner permitted to
speak upon his own behalf?"
"I would certainly have discussed the matter with you, had Terril's
disappearance not driven us all to distraction," Dallan answered, no more than
the faintest hint of defensiveness in his tone as he straightened just a
little where he sat to my left. "As you may recall you spent much of the time
wrapped in the sleep of healing given you by Hestin, and when you awoke there
was occasion to speak of naught save the disappearance. We all of us were so
fully engaged with that, the earlier matter simply slipped from my memory."

"There cannot have been an earlier matter such as that," the barbarian
insisted, vexation now flaring from his mind as his eyes shifted to me. "It
cannot be, wenda, it 'simply cannot be! You must surely have mistaken whatever
words were spoken to you, giving them meaning they were not to have."

"You said, `I may not have you,' " I quoted without letting the memory tear me
the way it wanted to, leaning on Irin and my mind-tool of strength alike. "
`There are others who now need you more,' you said, `and such things must be
understood and accepted.' That's word for word what you told me, and I'd like
to know how else it was supposed to be interpreted. I have no idea why you
changed your mind again, but more to the point is the fact that I don't care.
Those few words hurt me more than anything Farian's people would ever have
found it possible to do, and I'll never let myself be hurt that way again. As
far as I'm concerned I don't know you, and anyone who tries to change that
will be in line for hurting of his or her own."

I let my eyes close again to cut off sight of his stunned, almost open-mouthed
expression, the newest silence in the room feeling really good. Most of the
minds around me were maintaining a matching silence, too shocked to think or
feel, Irin being the only exception. The woman who held me so tightly to her
was fiercely glad I'd done as I had, and was more than ready to help me argue
with anyone who disagreed.

"Treda, there is a point here which eludes my understanding," Hestin said
after a minute, faint confusion even in his voice. "These words which were
spoken to you by your memabrak, words I have no doubt you truly heard-in what
place and time were they uttered? Are you able to recall that?"

"It was right after I defeated Farian," I said, too tired to try refusing him
an answer on a dead issue. 1, too, felt the next thing to dead, and all I
wanted was a final end to the episode. "You should remember the time yourself,
Hestin. It wasn't long after that that you showed up and took him somewhere
else. You and Dallan put him to bed, I think."

"Yes, I do indeed recall the time," the healer said, his usually calm voice
now back to normal. "I had thought that the time you referred to, yet was it
necessary that I be certain. Treda-you must hear the words I speak, and also
must you find belief in them. It was not possible for your memabrak to have
chosen to unband you just then, for it was not possible for him to utter
choices of any sort. His mind and sense of self were-elsewhere due to the
urgings of the potion within him, the same potion which had held him as slave
for so long. It was not possible for him to do other than accept the will of
those about him."

"And-possibly the words of others as well," Dallan said in a tone of slow
revelation as I opened my eyes in shocked disbelief to stare at Hestin. Dallan
sat between us to my left, and I could see his elated expression even though I
wasn't looking directly at him. "I had not earlier thought upon the point, yet
now I do recall how odd Tammad seemed when we freed him. What was said to him
was not commented upon by him but repeated back, as though there were no
thoughts of his own filling his head. When he awoke he had no clear memory of
what had occurred after his release, therefore was it certainly not by his own
choice that he spoke. Likely was he spoken to in such a manner earlier, and
then merely echoed what he was able to recall of it."

Dallan's triumphant summation caused a burst of low-voiced comments to be
exchanged between Len and Garth, but I had no idea what they were saying to
each other. I straightened away from Irin in deep shock, remembering all too
clearly how that slave drug worked from my own experience with it. It had only
been possible to resist it a little when its hold began weakening, not at all
when it was fully in control. That one swallow Tammad had had of it before I
could interfere-it must have combined with the residue of drug in his system
to throw him right back under its full control-without my noticing it more
than marginally-and hadn't Deegor said something to him not long before

"I see, hama, that we both voiced the truth," Tammad said with joyful
gladness, drawing my gaze to a face covered with loving happiness. "You did
indeed hear what was in no manner said by me, and now there is naught further
to stand between us. Come to my arms, sadendra mine, and share my vow that we
will never again be parted." ,

He opened his arms to me in the way he had always done, his love and desire
rolling at me in waves, adding terribly to the whirling dizziness trying to
push its way out of my head. I felt hot and cold both at the same time,
queasiness twisting at me along with the dizziness, and there was no way in
hell I could stand it any more.

"No," I denied, trying to get my feet under me so I could stand. "I won't put
myself in a position where it can ever happen again, real or not. Leave me
alone. I'm going to my room. I'm going."

What I managed was to get halfway to my feet before the dizziness took to
swinging the room around, and after that reached nothing but blackness.



Chapter 13

1 awoke in the bed furs of my pleasant little room, the warmth of the sunshine
coming through the windows telling me a new day had been started before I'd
been conscious enough to notice. The dizziness that had gotten the better of
me the night before was gone, but every bit of the oddness and depression I'd
felt was back and hanging on. I'd remembered everything the instant I'd opened
my eyes, and didn't have to move from where I lay on my right side to know why
the depression had flowered again so quickly. I wasn't alone in that pleasant
little room, and my companion was the reason I'd gotten depressed in the first
place.

"I see, hama, that you are awake and aware of me," Tammad said from the bed
furs behind me, using the word "see" when what he really meant was "feel."
"You will spend this day taking your ease and doing no other thing than eating
well, for I will not have you fall swooning in such a manner again."

"You have a different manner of swooning you'd rather see?" I asked without
turning, not in the least surprised to find him there and back to giving
orders. "Why don't you sit down somewhere and make a list of your preferences,
and later on I can memorize the list."

"Hama, though for some reason you feel you must do so, you cannot simply
refuse to be mine," he said with a sigh, thick patience plastered firmly all
over the inside of his mind. "We continue to be upon my world, which has
proven to truly be your world as well. Even Rissim, he who is actual father to
you, has agreed that my bands are upon you, therefore are you unquestionably
mine.

Speak to me of what disturbs you, and we will together find an answer to the
difficulty."

"What disturbs me is very simple," I said with a sigh of my own as I turned to
my back so that I might look at him. "I was so-shattered, to use Dallan's
word-when I thought you were giving me up as a matter of honor, that all I
wanted was to die. That's what I was doing outside the city that day I was
taken by my enemies, looking for a way to die. It doesn't really matter that I
was wrong about your wanting to give me up, all that matters is that I
believed you would. I know honor is more important to you than I am, so I
continue to believe and always will. If it comes down to a choice between me
and honor I know I'll lose, so I won't let myself be put back in a position
where the question might some day arise. I'd rather not have you than take the
chance of losing you, and you d better believe what I say. If you don't leave
right now, there won't be any argument about what happens. "

"Indeed shall there be no further argument between us," he said very gently,
his eyes and mind both showing how he hurt for the hurt I d had in the look he
sent down to me. "You need not fear that I shall ever give you up for I shall
not, most especially as honor might in no way be entangled. My love for you
and my love of honor have no meeting point, hama, therefore shall we put the
matter from our minds and concern ourselves with more pleasant things."

The hum in his mind broke out from under the patience that had muffled it for
a while, and he began to put one of those ridiculously well-muscled arms
around me to pull me closer. He was already under the top bed fur with me, and
if he wasn't as naked as I, it wouldn't take him long to get that way. Instead
of returning his smile or letting the humming reach me or trying to struggle
the way I used to, I put one hand up to intercept that giant arm-at the same
time reaching out with my mind. The mighty l'lenda was amused to see me trying
to stop him-until his arm touched my hand and he had to jerk back with a hiss.
Cold can be as painful to touch as heat, and Tammad denday hadn't remembered
what I'd done to him that day on the trail to Vediaster.

"My decision has already been made, l'lenda, and I advise you to abide by it,"
I said as he sat up to rub at his arm and glare at me with low-browed
disapproval. "I've finally learned the proper way of answering a challenge,
which means I never have to be a victim again. Since I'm stronger than you
it's only fair that I warn you one more time: don't try to fight me on this,
you'll only lose. There's nothing you can say or do to make me change my
mind."

"Can I not, wenda?" he returned, deadly anger flowing swift and menacing out
of his mind as he stared at me with narrowed eyes. I recognized the emotion as
soon as I felt the edges of it, that same emotion he'd always used to send me
shivering back away from him, but this time it didn't reach me. It was shunted
past without affecting me in the least, and all I could do in return was sigh
and keep my word.

"Rimilia is your beloved world, Tammad denday," I said as I reached to his
mind again, thrusting aside all attempts to stop me. "Protecting the peoples
of this world from the mondarayse is your privilege and responsibility,
l'lenda, yet do you do no more than lie about in the furs dallying with a
female. Is this the manner in which you discharge your responsibilities, the
manner in which you see to them with honor?"
"No," he answered in a whisper, a faint frown on his face to show his
self-disapproval, his gaze more inward than it had been. Despite his stronger
mind he'd been easier to take than Dallan had been in Vediaster, and rather
than using a brother as I'd done with Dallan, it was the entire world Tammad
was wrapped up in worrying about. He knew that his people were doomed if he
didn't do something to protect them, believed that if he stopped trying there
would be no one to take his place, and was determined not to waste any time,
which is all bed-play with a woman was. Time enough to do as he liked with her
once more important business was taken care of. 1 could almost see him
thinking like that as he got out of the bed furs and headed for his haddin and
swordbelt, his mind busy with plans and stratagems. He'd completely forgotten
his efforts weren't needed any longer, and was determined to do what he knew
and believed was required of him. I lay there holding his mind with almost no
effort at all, wishing he hadn't forced me to do that to him, but a wish like
that was a waste of time. L'lendaa were too thick-headed and stubborn to
listen to reason, so they had to be shown what was right in other ways.

As soon as he was dressed he left the room, too preoccupied to remember I was
there-as long as I helped the preoccupation along. I set my mind to follow and
hold his as long as possible, wondered whether I could really do that, then
shrugged the question aside and got out of bed. Lately my mind had taken to
finding ways of doing the things I decided needed doing, and it really didn't
matter whether this newest thing worked. As soon as Tammad went beyond the
limits of my range he would be free, and not long after that he would
understand what had been done to him. At that point he would probably come
raging back, not realizing that I intended doing it again and again until he
gave it up and stayed away. It was the only thing I could do, after all; what
else is there, when you know no one in the real world can be trusted?

I was still too depressed to pay much attention to something like dressing, so
I was out of the room and wandering the halls before I knew it. What I wanted
was to go outside and take a long walk all alone, but what I ended up with was
something else entirely. I suddenly found myself face to face with an Irin who
had been looking for me, and not long after that I was being forced down among
cushions in a private corner just beyond the kitchen. Three or four different
dishes had apparently been kept warm for me, but the pitcher of fresh kimla
brought over first was all I could raise any interest in. I poured a cup and
sipped from it, then sat staring at it until Irin settled herself among
cushions of her own.

"Don't take too long getting started on that food, or it'll be ice cold before
you finish," she said while pouring a second cup of kimla, using her chin to
gesture toward the small table on my left. "The other girls and I aren't bad
when it comes to making things tasty, but cold can turn even the best of meals
to glop."

"That's exactly what the best of meals would taste like to me right now," I
answered, mostly still staring at the kimla. "I must be working on minus
hunger at this point, so please don't be insulted if the food ends up
untouched. I'm going out for a walk in a little while, which just might
stimulate an appetite for later."

"If I were you, young lady, I'd try to find that appetite right now," she
said, a wry amusement in the way she looked at me. "Your father is absolutely
delighted to have back the daughter he's missed for so long, but I guarantee
his delight will fade very quickly if he finds out she isn't eating the way
every healer in the valley wants her to. And don't think being banded will
save you. As long as you're under his roof, you'll still- Terry, what are you
doing?"
"Just disentangling from something," I said with a faint smile, reeling in, so
to speak, the contact I'd had with Tammad's mind. It had taken him a while to
move out of my range, but when it had happened even Irin had felt it. A few
minutes more and he would be back to himself, and then- "Just to set things
straight, you ought to know I am not banded. It doesn't matter what anyone
else says on the point, only my opinion counts. If that sounds too
self-centered for a dream-place like this I'll leave, but I won't stop
insisting on it."

"What you can stop saying is anything about leaving," she answered with a
frown, the candlelight around us in our corner making her eyes glow green. "I
couldn't follow what you were just doing with your mind, but I know you were
doing something. Terry, Tammad took you to your room last night with every
intention of staying with you from then on. When I felt you moving around the
house it didn't occur to me to wonder where he was, and now you're insisting
again that you aren't banded. Would you like to tell me what in freedom's name
you've done with him?"

Irin was trying so hard not to be outraged or worried or any of a dozen other
things that I couldn't keep from finding it funny; watching a Prime-level mind
skittering around like that was like seeing a talented wire-walker trip over a
shadow on the ground. Shed been too busy trying to poke at my mind to pay
complete attention to what she was feeling, so it had almost gotten away from
her. And she hadn't even been able to get anything from me; what had happened
had occurred too far out of her range, and there was nothing else for her to
find.

"I convinced Tammad he had more important things to do than hang around with
me," I said before sipping again at the kimla, glad Irin hadn't felt me
laughing at her involuntary antics. The urge for laughter had faded almost as
soon as it had started, leaving me just as depressed as I'd been. "He isn't
nearly as hard to handle as he thinks he is, but it's going to take a little
while before he's permanently convinced. If shouting at roofraising level
bothers you, you might want to find somewhere else for me to stay until it's
all over."

"If shouting at roof-raising level bothered me, I'd never have stayed with
Rissim as long as I have," she countered with a snort, gesturing the point
aside. "Are you saying you-did something to Tammad to make him leave you, and
if he comes back you'll do it again? Terry, it isn't fair to take advantage of
someone who doesn't have your strength."

"He was the one who came to me," I answered with a shrug, feeling nothing of
guilt but another ton or two of depression. "I told him I'd rather not have
him than take the chance of one day losing him, but he refused to listen just
the way he usually does. I also gave him clear warning that I intended
defending myself, but he's too used to winning against me. After another few
tastes of being shoved into unreality, his opinions ought to start changing."

"I'm beginning to wish all my children after you weren't just boys she said
with the strangest look on her face and a sigh in her mind, her hand reaching
out to touch mine. "Girls don't seem to have the same problems-or at least
they don't look at them in the same way-maybe it would be best if I simply
said this straight out. Terry, you're doing something that isn't very bright,
and even you know it. You just refuse to admit it."

"I'm only doing what has to be done," I came back, having no idea what she was
talking about. "I think it's fairly clear I'm not enjoying it, but that
doesn't mean I can stop. Tammad and I have no future together, not when I'm
afraid to trust his love, so all I can do is walk away from him. Or, as it's
working out, make him walk away from me."

That explanation sounds so cool and logical," she observed, leaning back with
her cup of kimla as she studied me. "Anyone listening to you couldn't help but
admire how well you're handling it all, this thing with Tammad, suddenly
finding out you're part of a family you never knew existed, the fact that you
were used by your own blood-kin for purposes even they don't fully
understand-all of it. Being in that complex shook you up, but ever since then
you haven't had trouble coping with anything. "

"I'm not an infant," I pointed out, finding her inspection the least bit
uncomfortable. "I'm a grown woman, and grown-ups are supposed to be able to
cope. Would you be happier if all I did was sit around crying and wringing my
hands, complaining that I didn't know what to do?"

"Actually, I would," she said with a judicious nod, still keeping her eyes on
me. "You know, getting close to your mind is difficult, but with a little
practice it can be done. It's not quite like looking at the sun with
unprotected eyes, more like looking at a very bright torch, and if you manage
to filter just a little you can see everything you have to. Would you like to
know what I'm seeing?"

"Why not?" I responded, just stopping myself from snapping closed my strongest
shield. I couldn't understand where that conversation was coming from or
going, but hiding behind a shield wasn't necessary any longer. I finally had
everything worked out, and never had to be a victim again. The kimla I
swallowed at was beginning to cool, but it still did the job of wetting my
mouth and throat.

"Terry, listen to me," she said as she put her hand on my arm, and I looked up
to see that she was leaning toward me with urgency in her eyes. "What you're
doing has helped to keep you sane until now, but if you keep on doing it, all
you'll find is madness. You said you're coping with things, but that's just
the point, you're not coping with them. Murdock told you he was responsible
for taking you away from people who loved you to leave you with strangers, and
you weren't even angry with him. Rissim and I welcomed you to our home as our
daughter, and you simply smiled and moved in. Terry, you're looking at
everything that's happening as though it isn't real, treating it all as a
dream that can be experienced and enjoyed, but isn't anything to get excited
over. Carried far enough, an attitude like that can cause complete withdrawal,
so you have to stop it now. "

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, holding tight to my cup of
kimla as I wished she would let my arm go and stop staring at me like that.
"Just because I'm finally learning how to control my emotions doesn't mean I'm
not in touch with reality. You have to admit everything I've been told lately
is just a little beyond the bounds of normal belief, so if you're getting an
echo of the unreal from my mind, that must be the reason. After everything
settles down, I'll be just-fine."

"Will you," she said, finally leaning back a little but still holding my arm,
those green eyes glowing. "Is that why you're so determined to rid yourself of
Tammad? You don't want to be rid of him, all you want to do is believe
everything he tells you, but he has no place in the dream world you're
building except as a painful, once-beloved memory. When he's gone you can
relive the good times with him without risk, knowing he'll never be any less
yours, knowing he'll never do anything to force you back to something you
don't believe you can deal with. You've just been through a lot of hurt, my
darling, but you mustn't believe that's all life holds for you. You're not
alone any longer, and we're going to see to it that you're never alone again."
Never alone again. I stared at her as I let that phrase repeat itself over and
over in my mind, feeling exactly what it meant to me. When you set people into
place in your mind and then let yourself join them, they always say and do
just what you like and never exclude you from their company. You have the best
time you've ever had, you know you're loved and even liked, and all you have
to do is be yourself to be witty, charming and completely accepted. Mistakes
aren't important, because if they happen you just wipe everything out and
start again, this time doing it right. Ordinary people can hurt you at any
time no matter how often they swear they won't, but those who keep you company
in your mind . . .

"It's trust, isn't it?" she said softly, sharing compassion with me. "All
trusting people has gotten you so far is betrayal, and you're really afraid to
try it again. Well, you don't have to, you know, at least not right away.
We're willing to let you sit back and wait until we prove we can be trusted,
we don't mind. After everything that's happened, it's the least we can do."

Her smile was friendly and warm and real, as real as the offer shed made and
just as sincere. It was also one of the oddest things I'd ever been told, and
I got some idea of what my expression was like when her smile changed to a
grin.

"With the rest of us taken care of, at least for a while, all you need to
think about now is Tammad," she said, the conversation immediately changing
from serious to amused along with her mood. "You can pretend the rest of us
are unreal as much as you like, but l'lendaa have a habit of not letting
themselves be treated that way. What will you do if the next time he shows up
he's shielded?"

"He doesn't know how to shield," I said, making a face before finishing up the
kimla in my cup. "And even if he happens to learn, didn't you hear what Len
said? I've developed the ability to get through shields, which is what I had
to do to win against Farian and become Chama. I don't expect to have any
trouble with Tammad."

"Ouch, there goes that depression again," she said, making a face of her own.
"With him it's not just a matter of trust, is it? You really are afraid to
take him back because you might lose him again, but in the strangest way
you're acting as if you already have lost him. I can feel disappointment, but
you also seem to be blaming yourself as the cause of the disappointment.
You're disappointed in him, but whatever he's done it isn't his fault. Hmmm."

Her sight went unfocused as her mind went into high gear, leaving me to reach
for the kimla pitcher in an effort to keep my annoyance down. In a way Irin
was behaving just the way Rissim had the night before, calmly deciding she had
the right to mix into my life without once asking whether or not I minded.
Considering the way Rimilian men were, his doing it wasn't very surprising,
but what gave her the right to . . .

"Aha, I think I have it!" she said with a small laugh, her self-satisfaction
very clear. "I'm usually not all that good at figuring these things out, but
this time it was almost easy. The key was in what you said about not expecting
to have any trouble with l'lendaa, and also in your comment that Tammad was
used to winning against you. You liked the idea of his being able to stand up
to you, but now that you've come to terms with your mind strength you don't
think he'll be able to do it any longer. That's also why you're not very
worried at the thought of your father being annoyed with you, but where
Tammad's concerned you're disappointed rather than unworried. You didn't want
to grow beyond him, but that didn't stop it from happening."
"He's the sort of man who has to be in charge, and with me around he can't
be," I said with a shrug, finding her guess close enough to the mark to make
correction unnecessary. "He once admitted he'd always had trouble coping with
me, and the way I am now he'd have more than trouble. I can't trust him not to
give me up one day for the sake of an ideal, and although he doesn't realize
it yet, he can't trust me not to do things that will make him feel like less
of a man. If it was just me I might take the chance, but knowing what it will
do to him . . . What was that you said about reality being better than a dream
world?"

"It is better, and you've got to believe that!" she said with intensity, no
longer amused, her hand on my arm again. "Every time something like this
happens you put up another layer of glass between you and the rest of us, but
it's not shutting us out, it's locking you in! I'll bet that even when you cry
the tears aren't real, not with the way you're refusing to feel anything. If
you keep going on like this you'll be made of nothing but glass, and I don't
think you need to be told what usually happens to things made of glass."

"For one, they seldom find themselves held in the arms of a man," another
voice said, one I really hadn't been expecting. He shouldn't have come back
calm and under control, he should have been mad as hell! "All wendaa deserve
to be held in the arms of the men who love them, so that together they may
find a solution to their troubles."

"Tammad, do sit down and have some kimla with us," Irin said in delight,
really enjoying playing the gracious hostess in the middle of a primitive
world. "Did you sleep well last night?"

"Your hospitality was most appreciated," the barbarian answered courteously as
he came forward to sit crosslegged on my left, paying no attention to the fact
that I wasn't even looking at him. "What oddness I faced this morning stemmed
from a source beyond the control of you and the l'lenda Rissim, and I must
therefore apologize for having taken my leave without first having given you
thanks for your courtesy."

"Considering the fact that   she is our daughter, apologies on your part are
totally unnecessary," Irin   came back, giving him a commiserating smile. "If
she weren't already banded   as yours, we would be the ones who needed to
apologize. How much of our   conversation did you hear?"

"Enough," he said, a turn of his head letting me have the weight of his eyes.
"I felt much the fool, to discover myself busily out and about a doing which
was no longer mine alone. It was not difficult knowing my wenda was to blame,
for Dallan had told me of the thrall under which he had been kept in
Vediaster. To say my anger was great is to say one is mildly pleased when one
is victorious in battle. "

"But you don't seem angry now," Irin pointed out, reaching the pitcher of
kimla over to fill the cup her guest had picked up. "Did you change your mind
along the way, or did you first have to hear what we were saying?"

"The condition of my anger has not changed," he said, the calm in his mind
swirling as thickly as ever. "I had no wish to warn the woman of my approach,
therefore did I cover what 1felt before returning here. There will be
punishment for what was done by her, yet now do I see the necessity for first
assisting in returning her to that which she was. No man joys in having a
woman without feeling. "

"I love the way l'lendaa never give up on anything they really want," Irin
said comfortably, amusement in her glance to me as she brought the pitcher
back. "Rissim was like that when he first decided I was the one he wanted to
band, and you can take my word for the fact that he didn't have an easy time
of it. And it never bothered him that my mind was stronger than his. How much
does Terry's strength bother you?"

She really was very pleased with herself when she turned a bright smile on
Tammad and waited for his answer, but the smile faded when she saw the
unfocused look in his eyes. He sat very still for a moment, head cocked as
though listening intently, then dropped his cup of kimla, surged instantly and
gracefully to his feet, and raced out of the private area he'd earlier barged
into. He didn't make enough noise for us to follow his progress through the
house by ear, but Irin wasn't listening by ear. I could feel her trying to
reach his mind, but she'd really started too late. Before she could do
anything at all he was out of her range, which let her turn her furious face
to me.

"What have you done to him now?" she demanded, her annoyance and frustration
so strong I was surprised she wasn't throwing things. "We had it all out in
the open and he didn't want to leave, and all you needed to do was let him
help! And just look at that mess you caused! What did you do to make him run
out like that?"

"He thinks he hears his beloved calling out to him for his help," I said, then
drained my cup of kimla before putting it aside. I hadn't known I could do
that without using words to suggest the state of mind I wanted, but there had
been too many surprises lately for me to spend much time oohing and aahing
over another. "He's out there right now trying to find her, but all he'll find
is the hard fact that his help isn't wanted. I appreciate the hospitality
you've shown me, Irin, I thank you for your concern, and I hope you'll pass on
my thanks to Rissim as well. As soon as I find a place to stay, I'll send for
my clothes."

"Terrilian, you can't move out of the house!" she cried, climbing to her feet
as I got to mine. "Do you think if you're not here that will stop me from
trying to help you? Nothing will stop me, and you can bet everything you own
on that!"

"You aren't helping, you're interfering!" I snapped back, conceding then that
a polite leave-taking wasn't going to be possible. "You have no right
encouraging a man I don't want anywhere near me, especially not after I told
you why I don't want him. If that's your idea of making someone feel like part
of a family, I'd rather be alone."

"That's exactly what your whole trouble is, too much of being alone!" she
fumed back, fists now on hips. "That and being brought up to believe your
opinion counts more than anyone else's. Do you have any idea how much
arrogance it takes to decide you're not going to let someone make a sacrifice
for you without even knowing whether or not they consider it a sacrifice?
You're deciding what's best for him without making any effort to consult his
wishes!"

"He's too stubborn to know what's good for him, so why   would I waste the
time?" I retorted, finding it more than clear that the   discussion I was then
in fell into the same category. "And if it's arrogance   to want to direct your
own life in your own way, then go right ahead and call   me arrogant. Just as
long as you do it from a distance, something I'll take   care of, I don't mind
in the least."

"Once that life you just mentioned becomes entwined with those of other
people, you have to think of them as well as yourself," she said, refusing to
give it up even as I began turning away. "It's our fault you never learned
that, so your father and I will have to be the ones to do something about the
lack. You're not finished with us, young lady, you're only starting, and that
goes for whether you like it or not!"

Instead of answering I just kept going, making my way up the hall to the front
door and then out. I was so annoyed it was all I could do to control the
emotion, and actually had to stop for a minute once I was outside in the
sunshine to get a better grip on myself. That woman had more nerve than anyone
I had met in my entire life, and I was delighted I would not be living in her
house any longer. It was hard to believe she would actually suggest I was
forcing Tammad to do things my way. He was the one who went in for forcing,
not me, and if she hadn't been so interested in her own interpretation of
things she would know that. I stood squinting into the sunlight until I was
calm enough to unclench my fists, then went looking for someone to tell me how
to find the place I wanted to go.

Getting directions turned out to be simple. The first person I stopped knew
exactly where the attack-planning group was meeting, and cheerfully gave me
directions to a house not far from Murdock's. It hadn't occurred to me sooner,
but in a situation like that everyone in the community could be expected to
know what was going on because they all had a part in it. If they weren't
planning they were part of the plan, so there was nothing more natural than
that they know. A man who seemed to be a head servant let me into the house
and politely asked me to wait, then went looking for someone to tell I was
there. I waited with a patience I wasn't really feeling, but the wait turned
out to be extremely short. I hadn't shifted in place more than once before a
very familiar face came out from behind the hanging the servant had gone
through.

"Terry, this is a pleasant surprise," Garth said, the warm greeting in his
mind making me feel a little better. "Are you sure you're well enough to be
here? Last night Tammad and Rissim agreed you'd be spending the day today
taking it easy."

"I am taking it easy," I pointed out, seeing no need for going into the
question any further. "I just thought I'd check to see how far along you
people are, to get some idea of when the attack is planned for. I had the
impression you don't intend wasting much time before striking. "

"We can't waste much time," he said, beginning to lead me back in the
direction he'd come from, enthusiasm lighting his eyes. "Getting an attack off
the planning board and onto the battlefield is usually a time-consuming
process because of how careful you have to be with the lives of your people,
but in our situation we have to move as fast as possible. We have someone with
a supposedly faulty transponder set on your frequency leading their searchers
around now, making sure the transponder goes out at the critical time to keep
the complex people from catching him, but we can't keep that up forever. II
won't be long before they either catch our man or come to the conclusion
they're being had, and once that happens they'll be warned. We want to attack
before they're ready for us, but there are nitty little points we're being
tangled up in, which is why we'll all be glad you're here. You can answer what
questions we have as we go along, and in between those times you can relax.
Help yourself to something to drink, then make yourself comfortable."

By that time we had reached the large room the planning group was using, and
Garth left me to go back to the circle of men and women who were busy arguing
out two or three points at a time. They were at the end of the room closest to
the unlit fireplace, between two of the four opened terrace doors in the long
wall straight ahead, and I didn't have to ask if they'd mind having someone
listening in. They already had an audience of one, and when Ashton saw me she
grinned.

"Well, fancy meeting you here," she said from her place among the cushions on
the near side of the room, saluting me with the cup she held. "Do you mean
Irin's actually letting you out alone this soon? She must be sick or
something. "

"I'm a real, live grown-up, and as such I go and do as I please," I answered
sourly, stopping near a small table to pour myself what felt like my twentieth
cup of kimla.

"Let us also not forget that right now I have the strongest mind in the
community, a mind I'm not at all reluctant to use. With that in view we might
want to watch what we say to me, just to be certain we don't find out
firsthand exactly how much getting smacked can hurt."

"My, my, aren't we touchy this morning," Ashton observed with only a little of
her grin gone, watching as I sat down not far from her. "I can empathize with
the position you're in, but you really do have to remember how long my little
sister has been waiting to get you back. No one is going to be able to stop
her from treating you like a backward infant for a while, but it won't be
forever so you might as well just relax and enjoy it. Once she gets used to
having you around she'll be handing you chores the way she does with the other
women in the household, so you'll be best off making the lazy time last as
long as possible."

"I'm afraid I won't be around long enough for either familiarity or chores," I
said, sipping at my kimla while staring out the nearest open terrace door at a
very pleasant private garden. "I intend being part of the attack force and
afterward will spend some time trying to help the rest of you get past the
plateau you're stopped at, but after that I'm leaving. I really do prefer more
civilized surroundings, and with our war won I'll be able to go back to them."

I was able to enjoy the sight of pretty flowers in golden sunshine for a
minute or so in silence, but I'd already learned that where Ashton is
concerned, silence doesn't have much of a life span.

"There's more than simple fussing wrong between you and Irin," she stated, all
amusement gone out of her voice. "I would have detected it, sooner, but I
didn't want to- Terry, you can't seriously mean that you want to leave all
this, that you'd rather live with people who haven't the faintest idea what it
is to share themselves with others? I've lived that life so I know what it's
like, how narrow and individual and unsatisfying it is! You know you're one of
us and that you belong with us, so how can you talk about leaving?"

"I open my mouth and move my tongue, that's how I can talk about it," I said,
still looking at the garden. "If I want to live somewhere other than here
that's my business, and I don't need anyone's permission to do it. If I get
tired of the civilized life among the unawakened I can always visit Vediaster
for a while, but I don't have to stay locked up here."

"Locked up," she echoed, her mind disturbed and seriously concerned. "And used
together with `have to.' I hate to imagine what went on to bring you to a
point like that so soon after your being scared to death no one would accept
you. I think it's time your aunt Asha had a long talk with her sister and your
mother, just to . . . "

"Do me a favor and do your first talking to your brother," I interrupted,
again finding myself unsurprised that Ashton intended getting on with her own
quota of meddling. "Since Murdock's the one responsible for bringing me here,
he can also be responsible for finding me some place quiet and private to
stay. If he doesn't manage to do it by sundown, he'll find me camping in his
entrance hall."

"Murdock's up to his ears right now arranging transports and coordinating the
calling up of all our fighting forces, but I'll see what I can do," Ashton
grudged, not happy about having to make the promise. "If it comes right down
to it, you can always stay with me. All right, all right, stop trying to kill
me with a stare. You're not interested in sharing quarters with family, and
that's all there is to it. But what about that gorgeous hunk of a man you've
been avoiding? If you need a- place to sleep, I'm sure he'd be more than happy
to . . . "

Since I was already up on my feet and walking away from her I managed to avoid
the rest of her clever comment, and happily she knew better than to pursue it
by coming after me. I had more interest in what the planning group was up to
than in anything Ashton could find to say, and it wasn't hard shifting my
attention to them. Time went by while they argued, agreed, argued then agreed
again, and some time during that period Tammad moved out of my range again. As
soon as he did I called up my curtain, then went back to paying attention to
what the planners were saying and doing.

I didn't have much experience watching strategists at work, but if that group
was what they were normally like, I was really impressed. The going had seemed
somewhat slow to begin with, but after a little while they really began
rolling. Problems were brought up and solved one after the other, and during
that time I discovered Ashton wasn't there just because she had nothing better
to do with her time. After she answered the fifth or sixth question thrown at
her it was possible to believe she had all the coordinating data there was,
every bit of it filed carefully in her head. The first question shed been
asked had had to be repeated before she was drawn out of distraction, but that
was understandable. I d given her something not terribly pleasant to think
about, and that was obviously what shed been doing.

Garth had given me a smile when I'd first walked over to the group, but aside
from that no one paid any attention to me unless they had a question about the
complex. Perversely enough it felt good being that unpopular, and after a
while I was able to simply listen without having to fight off thoughts of my
own that were trying to distract me. A lot of kimla went down my throat during
that time, and I was just thinking about refilling my cup when the strategists
stirred and stretched and began talking about having a meal instead of how to
get past enemy firepower. 1 thought briefly about joining them, decided
against it when I found I still didn't have much of an appetite, so I got to
my feet to leave. Where I intended going I wasn't quite sure, but when I
turned to walk away I found Rissim directly in my path.

"I believe you were told, treda mine, that you were to remain at home this day
so that you might be cared for," he said, looking down at me the way Rimilian
men do when they're not very happy with you. "I returned to see how you fared,
only to find that you had disobeyed and departed. I had hoped the time would
be longer before you required guidance from he who fathered you, yet such is
not to be. You will return home with me now, and for a short while we will
talk."

He stood like a broad, tanned, immovable object, arms folded across his chest,
light eyes pinning me where I stood. I had no idea how he'd found me-unless
he'd been extremely clever about it and had asked the people in the shops
around his house if they'd seen me-but I did know I wasn't going with him. I'd
had more than enough "help" for one day, and "talk" was the next item on the
same list.

"Rissim, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not going back," I said gently,
trying not to hurt and disappoint him any more than I absolutely had to. "I
came here to find out how soon we'll be attacking, because not long after
we've won I'll be leaving Rimilia. I-miss my house and friends on Central, and
after being away for so long I really need to go back. It has nothing to do
with you and Irin, it's just a case of homesickness, so . . . "

"So we need only step aside and allow you to return to the solitude and
loneliness which have ever been yours," he said, giving me no chance to finish
the finesounding excuse Iii been weaving. "To believe that your mother and I
would abandon you again is great foolishness, wenda, for such a thing will not
be. And should you truly wish to be allowed to join in the attack you must
practice obedience, for unless you have returned to adequate health you will
merely watch others engaged in the effort. Come now, and we will see to your
feeding before you sleep for a time."

"I said, I'm not going with you," I repeated with less gentleness, trying to
keep from getting too annoyed. "I don't need anyone's permission to do
anything, and I'll eat and sleep when I want to eat and sleep. If you people
don't have enough to keep you busy with running your own lives, find someone
else to take over and direct. I've had enough of being told what to do to last
me till I'm old and gray."

If there were any chance of my living that long, I added to myself as I began
to step around him, beginning to be aware of that deep weariness inside me
again. Enough is enough is too much, and I seemed to have passed even the too
much stage quite a while back. I had actually already dismissed Rissim from my
thoughts when a big hand closed carefully around my arm, and I was no longer
walking out of the room.

"You must learn, treda mine, that there is a great difference between those
who direct you for their sake, and those who direct you for your own," I was
told, the deep voice just as calm and patient as it had been. "Those who
command you, from love do so till you, yourself, are able to do the thing,
till confusion and uncertainty have gone from you. When such completeness has
returned to you, you will again be prepared to seek your fate. For now, you
will merely obey."

"The hell I will," I answered, banishing my curtain as I looked up at him.
"When I said I'd never be a victim again, I meant i- '

My words cut off in midsentence as my mind reached his-or, to be more precise,
stopped as close to his as it could get. I hadn't noticed sooner but Rissim
was shielded, and not with the sort of shiny round shield it was so easy to
get through. His mind was tightly enclosed in the small, thick shield I also
had, the kind I had to work around in order to get through. In desperation I
crashed my mind against that shield, willing to work blind if I could just get
around it, but there wasn't enough room to go around. From the inside there
was plenty of room, but from the outside

"You can't do this to me!" I shouted, trying to pull my arm loose from his
grip, dropping the empty cup I held to free the hand for beating at him, but
it all did as much good as it ever does with Rimilians. He paid no attention
whatsoever to my struggling, acting as though I were standing still.

"For what reason can I not?" he asked, his continuing mildness and gentleness
infuriating. "Are you not flesh of my flesh, and is it not the duty of a
father to see to his offspring? In truth this duty should have been another's,
yet am I told that you have declared yourself unbanded, and he who laid claim
to you is no longer about. In view of these things we shall now return home."

He turned and began to make his way out of the house, and with his hand still
around my arm there was no question about whether or not I went with him.
Ashton and the others made no attempt to interfere, and neither did anyone on
the street. I was gently and carefully dragged all the way back to his house,
up the hall, and into my room. The open windows were no longer open, at least
not down where I could reach them; above the regular windows, near the
ceiling, were two-foot squares that let some light and air in through
screening. I would have bet quite a lot that I'd find the lower windows locked
in some way when I checked them, and Rissim's finally releasing my arm seemed
to confirm that.

"Your mother will soon appear with a meal for you, wenda," he said as he
closed the door, then turned to look down at me. "She and I care for you very
deeply, and have no wish to see you fade away before our eyes from lack of
nourishment. You have said you wish to be a part of the attack force; should
this continue to be so, you will obey us in an effort to grow strong again."

"If I wasn't already strong enough, you wouldn't be so closely shielded," I
said, folding my arms as I looked up at him. "How long do you think you can
keep me here like this?"

"As long as   necessary," he returned with a shrug, folding his own arms. "Would
you care to   speak of what disturbs you, and afterward be given my views of the
matter? Too   often are we able to see no other than a single side of a
difficulty,   when sight of two sides is required for a solution."

"I have all the views of my troubles that I need," I came back, really hating
all that patience and understanding. "I'll get out of here, you know, just the
way I've gotten out of every other prison trying to hold me. No matter what
you do to me, you won't stop me from succeeding."

"Should you wish to be released from here, you need only obey me a short
while," he said, a gleam of-pride?-in his eyes. "Your imprisonment here is not
imprisonment but punishment, a child's punishment for the behavior of a child.
To endanger one's health and wellbeing is foolishness, treda mine, and to see
those who attempt to aid you as enemies and captors more foolish still. When
your behavior shows you to be no longer a child, you will have no need to seek
escape. You will walk from here to freedom as does any adult."

"You're lying just to confuse me!" I shouted, my head whirling almost as badly
as it had the night before. I'd fought so hard against enemies pretending to
be friends, and now he was calling me a fool for keeping on with it! Everyone
was always after me for something, Aesnil in Grelana, Farian in -Vediaster,
those people at the complex. I couldn't let my guard down and believe someone
was doing something for me, I just couldn't! I began to turn away from him
with my fists in my hair, but the return of his hand to my arm stopped me.

"You may not give insult to those about you without adding to your
punishment," he said, looking more hurt than angry. "As you continue to show
the actions of a child so will you be treated, and perhaps such a doing will
be best. One must be a child before one is able to grow to adulthood."

I had begun feeling again as though I were walking through a dream, and what
happened after that just made the feeling worse. Rissim sat down and put me
over his knee, then spanked me as though I were a child. There was no doubt
about whether or not it hurt, but it didn't hurt like torture, only like
punishment. By the time it was over Irin was there, shielded just the way he
was, but with commiseration and compassion still flowing thick enough to fill
a river. She spent a short time comforting me and a longer time getting me to
eat some of the food she'd brought, and then she got me out of my clothes and
into bed. She and Rissim were still there in the room, but I fell asleep just
as though I had nothing to worry about.

When I woke again it was dark outside with a single candle burning in the
room, and I was so confused I didn't know why I wasn't dizzy. At first it had
been pleasant fantasizing those people as my parents, but now things were
getting complicated. I knew they wanted something from me, but I hadn't yet
been able to find out what it was. The longer it took the less sure I became,
and I didn't like not being sure. I lay belly down with my cheek to the furs
under me, thinking about all that not-knowing, and suddenly it came to me to
wonder if there really was something wrong with me. Confusion seemed to be the
only emotion I was able to feel any more, that and suspicion. I hadn't been
feeling really right since I escaped from the complex, and having no true
desire for food was only a small part of it. Most of the time it seemed that
everyone else was at fault, but if I held very still and thought about it-

I cursed under my breath as I leaned up on my elbows, feeling the truth of the
thought I'd begun. There was something wrong, no doubt about it, but getting
rid of it wasn't going to be easy. If I didn't even want to think about it-and
the way my mind was avoiding the issue showed exactly that-how was I supposed
to figure out what was wrong and fix it? I certainly couldn't trust anyone to
help me find it-

"Hell and damnation!" I growled, knowing it was working on me again but
helpless to stop it. Layers of glass between you and the world, Irin had said,
layers that just got thicker and thicker. You on the inside, she said, and
you'll never get out. Me on the inside with whatever was wrong, and how the
hell was anything supposed to reach-

I had started shifting around in annoyance, but a twinge of pain in my back
brought me up short. My back still wasn't in very good shape, because it
wasn't healing more than slowly. I'd used pain control a couple of times, but
not once since I'd gotten back to Rimilia had I tried to use the deep-healing
aspect of pain control. I'd used it before so it didn't make any sense-and
then I could feel the urge to try it beginning to fade-

"Something is making you not want to use it, so you've got to do it anyway," I
whispered to myself, trying to sound and feel determined. I really didn't want
to do it so that meant I had to, to keep from being forced into anything. Even
that thought confused me, more than I felt I could stand, but maybe the inner
healing would work. Without floundering around the question any longer, a
question I would soon drown in, I got a two-hand grip of the fur under me,
bent my head, then turned my attention inward.

The first time I'd tried deep self-healing I hadn't been aware of the passage
of time, and my second effort was just like the first. I came out of it
wondering if I'd accomplished anything, turned over under the cover fur to sit
up, then rubbed at my eyes with my hands. I'd been surrounded by people I
couldn't trust, people who only wanted to make me a victim and use me for
their own purposes-but the strong suspicion as well as the conviction was
already fading. It looked like the first half of the irrational conviction had
been a mental disorder, probably set' in place by conditioning, most likely to
keep me from trusting anyone at the complex. If those who were aware of what
was going on didn't trust anyone there, they wouldn't plot with them against
those who ran the complex. Then something had happened to make the distrust
begin coloring everything else I was feeling, putting a veneer of the complex
on Rimilia and binding them inseparably together. I could see that now, also
remembering I'd wanted to die in both places, and the reinforced feeling had
convinced me not to heal myself any farther. If I'd just left it all alone my
problems would soon have been solved, and Id simply have slipped from dreams
to death without once having to touch reality. It would have been the easy
way, the pleasant way, but I'd always been too thickheaded to take one of
those paths . . .

"Oh, good, you're awake," Irin's voice came suddenly and I dropped my hands to
see her standing in the now open doorway. "Are you feeling better after your
nap?"

"I'm feeling better after something a little more effective than a nap," I
said, watching her walk closer to the bed I sat in. "Irin, about the way I've
been behaving . . . '

"Now, don't you let that worry you   even for a minute," she interrupted, giving
me a smile as she put a hand to my   cheek. "Every time so far you've been
better after getting your rest, so   I'm going to see to it that you get all the
rest you need. You'll stay in that   bed until you're completely better, which
will happen in no time at all. Are   you ready to eat again?"

"No, I'm not ready to eat again," I answered, trying to keep the annoyance out
of my voice. "What I'm ready to do is explain why . . . "

Terry, you don't want your father to hear you refusing again, do you?" she
asked, suddenly being very conspiratorily serious. "It hurt me to see him
spank you like that and I know it hurt him as well, but he'll do it again if
he has to. He wants to know you're eating well, and he won't like what you
just said. Do you want me to tell him?"

"Good lord, no," I muttered, wondering how she had the nerve to say it had
hurt them. "Irin, listen to me, there's something I have to expl-"

"Then he won't be told," she plowed on, beaming at me over the secret we were
going to keep together. "As long as you're a good girl and do as you're
supposed to, you won't have to be punished. I'll be right back with your
food."

I watched her walk out and close the door again, then let myself fall back
flat onto the bed furs. It was upsetting to realize Irin had been treating me
like a very small child, just the way Rissim had decided I needed to be
treated, and I hadn't been able to get through her wall of make-believe any
more than I'd been able to get through her shield. As soon as I explained why
I'd been acting so strangely they'd let me out of there, but first I had to
get more than three words in edgewise-without sending her running for Rissim.
That spanking had hurt even through my trousers, and I didn't want to have to
try explaining things during a second dose of it. I'd have to get through to
Irin while I was eating, and then I could take some time off to do a little
thinking.

Irin and the food came back, but getting through to her wasn't on the menu.
She chattered away happily while she sat at the side of the bed-furs feeding
me, and it was Rissim himself who stood beside the doorway watching. Every
time I tried to say something he got that look in his eyes, and then Irin was
shoveling in more food. I wasn't reluctant to eat any longer, not after the
healing had finally let me know how much I needed it, but my capacity was way
down and I was getting more and more desperate to explain something they
didn't want to hear.
It was not what might be considered a fun time, and when Irin finally let me
off the hook, Rissim took his turn.

"There are those who would speak with you now, wenda," he said, giving me that
well-known Rimilian-male-light-eyed-stare. "As I will not have one of mine
giving insult to guests beneath my roof, you will speak yourself only when
spoken to, and then will reply politely and to the point. At all other times
you will remain silent, else shall you be given a reason for raising your
voice. Is my meaning clear to you?"

I nodded glumly as I leaned against the cushions Irin had put behind my back,
understanding I had to acknowledge temporary defeat. Rissim didn't want me
insulting whoever his visitors were, so I either kept quiet or got put over
his knee again. I'd have to wait until they left before taking the chance of
insisting on speaking my piece, but that would be a time when Rissim would be
more likely to listen. First I'd wait, and then I'd take the chance.

Irin took the food away, and then came back leading a group of men and women
who were mixed part Rimilian and part Centran, just like the group of
strategists I'd spent the morning listening to. They were introduced as a
group rather than individually-to keep from tiring me with unnecessary
introductions, I was told-and the group they were was the one concerned with
mental abilities. They'd come to find out just how far I'd gotten, and even
beyond that, how I'd managed to get that far.

I told them what I could about the progression of my abilities, mentioned all
the new things I'd started finding after almost being burned out, and then I
was told something I hadn't expected to hear. I'd finished answering questions
about my fight with the intruder in the resting place of the Sword of Gerleth,
having related everything about it just to be sure I didn't leave out
something important, and for a moment there was a very heavy silence. I could
feel the group's roiling emotions despite the excellent control every one of
them had, and then one of the women sighed.

"I'm-afraid the-experience you had was-in a roundabout way-the fault of this
community," she said, forcing the words out past a very great reluctance, her
eyes having difficulty staying on my face. "That-intruder who did so much to
hurt you and the others. It pains me to admit it, but he was one of ours."

"Yours?" I echoed, shocked to hear her say something like that. "But he wasn't
an empath! How could he be one of yours?"

"He was a strange-birth, a result of the mixing of Rimilian and Centran blood
that happily occurs only very, very rarely," she answered, still dragging the
words out. "He was born without a trace of the least amount of mental ability,
and to make matters worse was larger even than native-born Rimilians despite
his dark hair. He was-very delicately balanced even as a child, and the older
he got the worse the instability became. When he changed from a boy to a man,
he tried to get the girls interested in him, but they were all empaths and
wanted nothing to do with an untalented no matter how physically attractive he
was. He tried for a long while before he gave up, and then he retreated into a
fantasy world."

"One in which everyone was like him, and everyone conformed to the rules he
had devised," I said, shivering a little as I remembered how he'd insisted I
was from his secret community. Id thought he was insane and he certainly had
been, but he really hadn't been wrong. "No wonder the girls of his world
weren't allowed to pair with men until they were `fully grown.' That was the
reason none of them had paired with him . . . . '
"Yes," the woman agreed in a pitying whisper, adding something about his
disappearing one day and never coming back. He must have found some secret way
into the mountain, and then had discovered the resting place of the Sword.
There was another silence, this one filled with the emotions of farewell, and.
then they were all on their feet and heading out the door. My memories of the
time had caught and held me for a short while, and they'd known without being
told that I had no real desire to continue the discussion. Irin had given me a
hug and a kiss good night, had blown out the candle, and was already gone with
the door closed behind her before I remembered I'd wanted to talk to Rissim,
He had left with her, of course, which meant I would have to wait until the
next day before I could get another chance at him. I spent a long number of
minutes cursing just loud enough for me to hear, then spent even more time
trying to fall asleep.

The next morning I wasn't awake long before Irin and one of the house servants
showed up with breakfast, and when I was forced into trying to shout down her
endless, cheering chatter, she refused to let me do it. She had decided to
give me no chance to say anything at all in order to keep from getting into
another argument with me, and very nearly got into an argument with me trying
to stick to her decision. When she insisted that all she wanted to hear was
whether or not I was going to eat breakfast, I lost my temper completely and
told her what she might do with that breakfast. The serving woman gasped and
turned red then hurried out of the room leaving Irin to work briefly at
keeping herself from exploding before she turned and stomped out after her.
Once the door was slammed closed I was all alone again, but I knew it wouldn't
be for long. As soon as Irin spoke to Rissim I'd have company, but not in the
mood that would do me much good.

Rissim must have been out of the house, as I had enough time to dress and do
some long-distance looking around before he showed up. I'd discovered that
everyone in the house was shielded, and had been spending quite a while
picking away at one or two of those shields when the door to my room was
opened. I blinked away from what I was doing to see Rissim standing there and
staring down at me, and his meaningful silence at least let me have the chance
to speak first.

"Before you start lecturing me, I'd appreciate it if you would listen to me
for a minute," I told him, sitting up and folding one leg under me. "I've been
trying since yesterday to tell Irin I found out what was wrong with me, but
she refuses to stop talking long enough to hear it. Some of the conditioning
they'd put me through was still affecting me, but I managed to neutralize it
and now it's all gone."

"Indeed," he said in much too neutral a way, folding his arms and leaning one
broad shoulder against the door jamb. "I am to understand that what ailed you
previously is now no more, and therefore should you be released from this
punishment?"

"Well, you did say it was only a temporary measure," I muttered, having no
need to touch his mind to know he wasn't believing a word I said. "You were
absolutely right about how childish I was being, and if you'll drop your
shield you'll be able to see for yourself that that's all over with."

"So, I am to release my shield and touch your mind, and then I will know the
full truth of the matter," he said, nodding slowly as he kept those eyes on
me. "I am to put from my thoughts your ability to seize an unprotected mind,
and seek the truth in the manner you suggest. You must forgive me should I
appear skeptical, wenda, and also forgive my observation that there is another
manner in which the truth might be learned."
"What other way?" I asked with a sinking feeling, knowing beyond doubt that
our conversation was not destined to turn out well. Rissim had already made up
his mind about what he was going to do, and only had to explain it to me
before he got on with it.

"To see truth, very often one need do no more than look about oneself," he
said, that horrible calm and patience sickeningly clear. "My girl child was
told what was required of her, and also was she given punishment for offering
insult to a parent, yet what did I discover this day upon my return to my
house? I discovered that this selfsame child was no longer in the bed furs
where she was to remain, she had once again refused nourishment, and had given
her mother insult in the hearing of a servant. Now I am to believe that my
child no longer suffers from what previously ailed her? I am to withhold
additional punishment, for I have not been told what truly occurred? Speak to
me, treda mine, and assure me that these things are not what they seem."

"But they're not!" I protested, trying to hold my voice steady as I got to my
feet. "Yes, I argued with Irin, and yes I insulted her after refusing to eat,
but I was provoked into doing all that! I really did find out what was wrong
with me and fix it, but none of you will believe me! Do you know how
frustrating it is when people won't listen to you? I suppose I shouldn't have
lost my temper, but I'm not a child and I don't do well being treated like
one. You said you would treat me like an adult when I behaved like one, so I'm
going to hold you to that. I stand as an adult before you, and now I want to
be let out of here."

"To speak of oneself as an adult is not to be that thing," he came back,
completely unconvinced. "At all times do one's actions speak more clearly than
one's words, and what actions we have had from you are veritable shouts. I
fear I must do my duty as I see it, and punish the disobedience of a child."

"But that's what I always act like," I mumbled with that sinking feeling back
as he unfolded his arms and leaned off the door jamb. This time 1 knew he
would spank me harder, and I really didn't want to experience that. I was
trying desperately to decide if there was any place for me to run when he
moved partway out of the doorway, giving me the chance to see beyond him, and
for a moment I didn't believe what I saw. Folded into an easy crouch not five
feet from the door was Tammad, and as soon as my eyes touched him I found that
he was also looking at me. For an instant my heart leaped as my lips parted
and I began reaching a hand out to him, knowing that he would protect me and
keep Rissim from doing what he intended, but then I was yanked back to the
real world. Even if I hadn't done what I had to Tammad, I still couldn't have
asked him to interfere, not when there

was nothing left for us to share. It simply wouldn't have been fair, and the
least I owed him was fairness. I closed my lips as my hand fell, then let my
gaze do the same.

"On second thought, I undoubtedly deserve whatever you do to me," I said to
Rissim in an unliving voice as I stared down at the carpet fur. "And when you
stop to think about it, it doesn't even matter."

My eyes closed all the way then, all the thoughts I had about Tammad trying to
crowd at once into my mind. I'd never love anyone the way I loved him, but the
reasons for our separating hadn't changed at all. I'd rather die than hurt
him, but if I stayed with him hurt was all he would be. Right then I really
regretted the loss of that leftover conditioning, the mind sickness that had
let me do what was necessary without once thinking about my feelings for him.
I'd been able to blame him for everything he'd ever done to me without trying
to understand any of it, the whole thing simply showing me more clearly how
untrustworthy he was. Him, my beloved, untrustworthy. I turned blindly away
from the door and hurried to a pile of cushions on the carpet fur, sinking
down to wait there for what Rissim would do.

It wasn't long before I heard my door being closed, and the faint sound of
bare feet moving across the carpet fur. At that point I really didn't care
what happened to me, but when a big hand touched my hair gently I couldn't
keep from shivering. So many times it had been he who had touched me that way,
but this time it wouldn't be the same. I needed so desperately to be held that
I wrapped my arms around myself, my eyes still closed tight against sight of
the real world I had come to hate. I had no choice about being in that world
but I did have a choice about looking at it, and then all the confusion I had
thought resolved came rushing back. Two wide, powerful arms circled me to hold
me to a broad, well-muscled chest, but the gesture wasn't one of a father
comforting his daughter, and the hum in the mind above my head confirmed that.
Shocked, I began to struggle in protest, and only then did I realize who the
hum belonged to.

"Yes, wenda, once again it is I," Tammad said, looking down at me with those
beautiful blue eyes while I gaped up at him in disbelief. "To rid oneself of a
l'lenda is not quite as easily done as some apparently believe."

Without even stopping to think about it I squirmed higher in his arms, threw
my own arms around his neck, then kissed him with all the longing in the
universe. I know it wasn't right and certainly wasn't fair, but I'd missed him
so much and it was only a kiss. He contributed more than his own share to the
meeting of our lips and souls, but when I felt the hum in his mind begin
changing to a growl I gently pulled away.

"I'm sorry," I said, touching his face with my fingertips as I drew away a
little more. "I had no right doing that, but I-couldn't seem to stop myself.
And I'd also like to apologize for what I did to you yesterday. There was
something wrong with me, and I didn't care what I did to anyone as long as
doing it accomplished what I wanted. The same thing still needs doing, but I
can see to it without hurting or humiliating you."

"You cannot be saying you mean to continue with this foolishness," he stated,
the look in his eyes beginning to harden. "Have you not just this moment
proven that your love for me is as great as ever it was? Have you forgotten my
vow that I will allow none to take my woman from me? Think you that vow
precludes the doings of the woman herself?"

"It's not foolishness, and keeping on with it is exactly what I intend," I
told him, deliberately ignoring everything else he'd said as I sat back down
on the carpet fur. "I wasn't lying when I said I d rather not have you than
take the chance of losing you, and you've got to understand that."

"Wenda, how is it possible to understand such a thing?" he demanded,
automatically moving his sword out of the way as he shifted to sitting
cross-legged opposite me. "To give up a thing is to lose it, more quickly and
more definitely than with an as-yet unrealized possibility which may or may
not lie ahead! To commit an actual doing out of fear that a possible doing may
occur, is the act of one who is likely age-addled!"

"Since you're older than I am, if I were you I would watch who I called
senile," I retorted, almost wishing a talk between us wasn't necessary. "I
can't help it if you don't follow simple logic, but I would prefer if you did
understand. Look, it's really easy: if I give you up now it's all over and
done with, nothing left to spend my life dreading, nothing to lie awake nights
worrying about. Knowing it's all over with hurts, but not as much as sitting
around waiting for it to happen. Do you understand now?"

"In no manner," he said very positively, still looking at me as if I were
crazy, and then he sighed. "Clearly is this a view seen only by those who are
wendaa, a landscape forbidden to the sight of men. As I am unable to find
understanding in your words, hama, perhaps you will have greater success with
mine. You fear that one day a facet of the demands of honor will cause me to
turn from you, and I say that such a consideration shows only that you have
not yet grasped the place where the heart of honor lies."

I parted my lips to tell him that wasn't so, that I knew more of honor than I
wanted to, but he shook his head to silence me and took my hand in both of
his.

"Most certainly is it true that the demands of honor are undeniable to one who
is bound to them," he said, his expression sober and calm, his eyes looking
into mine. "Honor is-a thing of fitness, a thing of right, a manner of being
which allows one to see what must be done so that the weak may find happiness
as easily as the strong. It is these and many other things-yet is it above all
fitting. For a man to give his life to honor would be fitting-yet not so were
he to give the life or happiness of one who feels love for him. Such would be
a great dishonor, to feed one's pride with another's pain. That one is most
honorable who knows and acknowledges the limits of honor. "

"I-don't think I understand what you're saying either," I admitted when he
fell silent, obviously giving me a chance to comment. "All I know is that I
thought I'd lost you, and I didn't want to live any more. But that isn't the
only side of this, or even the most important. You can't say you've forgotten
what I did to you yesterday, and I can't say I won't ever do it again. I don't
want to ever do it again, but that doesn't mean I won't. If you think I'll
hang around waiting until the next time I end up making you feel like a fool,
you're the one who's senile."

"But that, too, is a problem with its solution," he said, grinning faintly as
he stroked one of his hands just a little higher up my arm. "When I was able
to know I had been taken a second time, I gave over the foolishness of
believing I might best a blood-mad fazee with my hands alone, and sought out
the aid of the Murdock McKenzie. He it was who sent me the man Lamdon, and
with that one's assistance was I able to fashion the thing I required. When I
came upon Rissim early this day, instructing the young in the use of a sword,
I informed him of my intention to approach you yet again, and he asked the
favor that I await the time he might accompany me. For that reason was I
there, where you saw me, allowing him the opportunity of speaking first with
you. Now would I have you attempt to make my thoughts yours again. "

"But I really don't want to," I told him, paying only partial attention to
what was being said. His fingers stroking my arm had riveted the major portion
of my attention to him, so much so that I just had to use my free hand to
touch his own arm. So tanned and warm it was, so hard and yet so delicious to
feel, so much a part of him . . .

"And yet you must," he insisted mildly, the strength in his fingers now gently
kneading my flesh. "How else are we to know whether my precautions are
adequate? Strike swiftly and with skill, and then shall we know."

"Swiftly and with skill," I repeated as his hand made its way up to my
shoulder, then I swallowed and muttered a what-the-hell. If he wanted me to do
it again, then I would do it again, and maybe there would be something
afterward I would have to order him to forget. I began to approach his mind,
not as ruthlessly as I had the other times but well enough-and then I pulled
back in surprise. Instead of the cloud of calm he had always used as a shield
there was suddenly an actual shield, but not like mine or Rissim's or Irin's.
Tammad had learned to generate a shifting diagonal shield like Farian's, but
its rate of motion was so much faster it was nearly a blur.

"Now do you see the fruits of my efforts," he murmured, circling me with one
arm to draw me close to him again. "You may not touch me should I disallow it,
no matter the greater strength of your mind."

"But that doesn't mean anything," I protested weakly, trying to -get him to
stop kissing me in between words.

"You can't stay shielded forever, and once you release the shield you're
vulnerable again. And what if I solve your shield, the way I did with
Farian's?"

"Your time must be taken up with other things, so that you have none to spend
on worrying and solvings," he said, putting me to the carpeting before sending
his hands to my clothing. "It has been far too long since last we shared our
love, hama, and no longer am I able to keep my hands from you. I will see you
well occupied, my beloved, and so well loved that never again will you doubt
the wisdom of our sharing each other's lives. You are mine, and never will I
release you."

My clothes were gone so fast I barely saw them go, and no more than an instant
later his swordbelt and haddin were down with the rest. It was so mindlessly
wonderful to be held and loved by him again, so achingly good to touch him all
over, but along with the pleasure there also came something I hadn't wanted
and certainly hadn't been looking for. By the time we had satisfied ourselves
physically I was mentally at a new low, and not only because Tammad had proven
one of my points for me. His excitement had been too high to let him keep his
new shield in place very long, and he had ended as deeply inside my mind as he
was in my body. Something very definitely had to be done, so I sighed and got
started.

When we walked into the kitchens Irin was there with a number of the house
women, but Tammad didn't even glance at them. He went immediately to one
corner of the room and began rummaging around, having no idea how many people
were staring at him. Everyone was puzzled but then Irin got it, and a moment
later she was over staring at me instead.

"How could you do that to him again?" she demanded, more upset than angry. "He
loves you, and look what you're making him do!"

"He said he wanted me to try again," I evaded, trying to gather my courage,
then said to hell with it and simply plunged in. "Irin-I'd like to apologize
for what I said to you this morning. I shouldn't have lost my temper with
someone who was just trying to help-and certainly not when that someone was
you. I'm really not quite that bad, at least not any more."

She stared at me intently for a minute, trying to decide if I were lying, most
likely, and then she realized that with Tammad under my control I had no
reason to lie and could simply have left without saying a word. Her face
softened and she came closer to hug me, and after I'd hugged her back she used
one hand to smooth my hair.

"You don't have to apologize to me, not with the way I was treating you," she
said, a lot of relief along with the amusement she showed. "If anyone had
treated me like that, I probably would have thrown plates instead of insults.
But I don't understand what's going on. Your father told me you and Tammad
were back together again, just the way he'd hoped you would be. Why are you
controlling him again?"

"To make a point and because I have a problem," I answered glumly, letting
pass what shed told me about Rissim's plans. He'd pretended he was going to
spank me, trying to force me to run to Tammad for protection, but it hadn't
worked out quite the way he'd wanted. "Irin, Tammad says he'll never let me
go, but a little while ago I realized why I've been so convinced that Tammad
and I are through. With all the confusion and such cleared away I can
recognize the feeling I have, a kind of feeling I've had before. It tells me
I'll never belong to him, and every time so far that feeling's been right. I
have to tell him it's over between us no matter how hard he tries to fight it,
but I don't know how to make him believe me. Do you have any ideas?"

"You have a `feeling'?" she asked, frowning at me but not in disbelief. Shed
let her shield dissolve, and her mind was also trying to stare at mine. "I
don't like the sound of that, and I think wed all better sit down and talk
about it. Is this feeling the same thing you called a conviction when you
spoke to the searchers last night?"

I nodded as she called one of the women over and sent her to get Rissim, then
we waited until he showed up. Tammad kept busy searching the kitchen
methodically, and Irin almost choked when she asked what he was looking for
and I told her. The mighty l'lenda was looking for the shield that was going
to protect him from me which he knew was hidden somewhere in the room, and he
was determined to find it. She shook her head at me in forced disapproval,
trying to swallow down laughter from inside, and made sure not to mention the
point to Rissim.

Once he was there and had been told what was going on, I was able to release
Tammad. After the couple of minutes necessary for his head to clear it was
Rissim I had to hide behind, but the older l'lenda was able to calm the
younger, and then we all went to a small, pleasant room to talk.

"I see no call for discussing a matter which need not even be considered,"
Tammad growled when we were all seated among the cushions, his new shield
tight around his mind. "The woman merely seeks to justify the stand she has
taken, for stubbornness brings her naught when offered to me."

"Tammad, we do have to discuss it," lrin said with commiseration plain on her
face, knowing he couldn't get it from her mind. "Terry isn't trying to be
stubborn, she's being told something, the same sort of something Murdock was
told when he took her from us. Precognition seems to be a family trait, and
she's inherited it."

"To refuse to give ear to a warning is not the doing of a brave man," Rissim
said, seeing along with the rest of us the way Tammad's jaw set. "Instead is
it the doing of a fool, for with sufficient warning a man may take victory
from the grasp of his enemies. Tell us again of what has come to you,
daughter."

"1 just suddenly knew I would never belong to him," I answered, looking at
Rissim rather than at the man I spoke about. "I've learned that it doesn't
matter whether or not I want it to be like that, it will happen anyway. Trying
to talk me out of believing it won't do any good, no more than forcing me to
ignore it. We've already tried those things, and they didn't work."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tammad straighten where he sat, remembering
in spite of himself the previous warnings I'd tried to give him. I'd asked to
be taught how to use a sword and he'd laughed at me, but he hadn't had any
laughter left when I lost him to Roodar because I couldn't use a sword. I'd
asked not to be taken to Vediaster and especially not into the palace, and
he'd ignored me-causing us all to be captured and enslaved. His anger backed.
down a little, letting him join us in talking about the problem, but we talked
for the rest of the day without finding any answers we could all live with.

We could have continued talking about it the next day, but the next day we all
left to attack the complex on New Dawn.



Chapter 14

I've never found wilderness particularly attractive, but there was something
very satisfying in being in the wilderness on New Dawn. We who had gotten
there on five large transports had set up a temporary camp just out of
detection range of the complex, and it wouldn't be long before we got the
attack under way. I was wandering around alone for once, Tammad, Irin and
Rissim all being occupied with other things, and I made excellent use of the
thinking time. I couldn't say I was particularly happy with one of the
decisions I'd made, but another of them made up for it as far as it could ever
be made up for. In a small way it even brightened the cloudy skies above me,
and made me fairly eager to be finished with what we were doing so I could get
started . . . .

"Well, fancy meeting you here," a voice drawled, and I looked up to see Ashton
giving me her usual grin. "Did you escape, or are you out on parole?"

"The rest of them are busy," I answered, amused in spite of myself. "And I'm
not being held prisoner, we're just trying to work out a problem together. It
only looks and feels as though I'm being held prisoner."

"Well, Murdock and I have missed you these last days," she said, putting an
arm around my shoulders to aim me toward one of the tents. "Why don't you
visit with us for a few minutes during what will probably be our last lull,
and tell us what's been happening with you?"

Having nothing better to do I shrugged and agreed, and a moment later Murdock
was adding his welcoming words to Ashton's. He looked really tired and so did
she, but that was only to be expected.

"Nothing very much has been happening," I said when Ashton repeated her
question, sipping from the cup of kimla I'd been given. "There's something
Tammad and I can't agree on, and even with Irin's and Rissim's help we aren't
finding it possible to settle. I'm more than willing to keep trying, but I'm
afraid that very soon he and I will be going our separate ways."

I thought about what I'd be losing as I sipped at my kimla, and about all
those glorious nights and satisfying days I'd been spending with Tammad. That
first night on Rimilia I'd been more than ready to give him up, furious that
the beast had kept himself shielded and then had given me the spanking I'd
missed getting from Rissim. He'd punished me for controlling him and had
pointed out that he would and could do it again if I ever tried controlling
him again, and then he'd taken me in his arms and had made love to me. After
that things were somehow different between us, just as though I was no longer
simply a wenda in his mind, more like he thought of me as w'wenda. It was an
acceptance above and beyond the love he felt, and I'd never known anything
could be that good.

"What plans have you made for after the attack is done?" Murdock asked
suddenly, as though something had just come to him. "Am I mistaken in
believing you mean to remain on Rimilia a short while to assist in
investigating the source of your strength and abilities?"

"I have something to do first, but after that I'll be back on Rimilia to
help," I answered with a smile, again feeling that sense of excited
anticipation. "I'm very glad there's a coordinated attack being launched at
Rathmore and his group while we're seeing to this one, because I really do
need to go to Central for a short time. I-left something there a while ago,
something that doesn't entirely belong to me, and I'd like to get it back and
give it to its rightful owner. It's all I can do, Murdock, and maybe it will
help a little."

"The child you left in stasis," Murdock said with no expression on his face,
surprising me by knowing about it. "You intend having the fetus reimplanted,
bearing the child, and then giving it to Tammad. To make up for your not being
able to remain beside him."

"Why, yes," I said, flustered over seeing what had to be his talent at work,
not understanding why his eyes and mind were as dead as his voice. "The child
is his and mine, and I've never wanted anything more than I want to give my
beloved our child. I know I won't be able to stay with him, so this is the
only way to do it."

"Terrilian-my dear child-how do I say this?" Murdock whispered, the tortured
pain in him so heavy that Ashton was as shocked as I. "They-knew about the
child, just as they know everything about the Primes they're so concerned
with. They couldn't-allow a `tainted' mixture of blood to remain where it
might have-embarrassed them. They-they-"

He raised a trembling hand as he found it impossible to go on, his eyes trying
to tell me how much he hurt for me, but all I could do was stand up while
letting the cup of kimla fall to the tent floor. They'd taken my baby from
where I'd left it and they'd killed it, throwing it away as though it were so
much disgusting garbage. Ashton's mind was crying as she tried to reach for
me, but I thrust her away with more strength than my arms had ever had and ran
out of the tent. I had to get away from there, away from the place I'd been
told something so terrible I couldn't bear it, and running was the only way to
do it. I ran and I ran, out of the camp, into the forest and beyond, trying
not to think, using the power of my mind to keep anyone from following me. I
had to get away, and it didn't matter to where.

Running hard and wild does help to keep you from thinking, especially when
you're crying and raveningly furious and totally shattered, all at the same
time. I ran on for what felt like hours, picking myself up and going on again
when I fell, not caring where I was going or how scratched and bruised I was
getting. There were no predators in the area to threaten me, none would have
dared even if they'd been there, so I just kept going. I had to find some
place that agony couldn't reach me, some place I could scream out loud and no
one would hear it, but when I was finally forced to stop for a while I still
hadn't gotten there. Sweat streamed down my face and mixed with the dirt on it
while I stood panting and gasping for breath, but I still wasn't where I
wanted to be. We had scouts out in the woods, I remembered, and I had to avoid
them or Id never find the place I needed.

I wiped my torn palms on the brown uniform I wore, the same uniform I'd been
wearing when I escaped from the complex, the uniform I'd somehow felt I had to
wear even though Tammad had hated the idea. It seemed to be coming in handy
after all, getting even more torn and ruined than it had been, saving good
clothes from being treated like that. I started to laugh at myself for
thinking about clothes at a time like that, but it immediately turned to
sobbing, that forced me to put a hand over my mouth, and then I began running
again.

I began running, but suddenly something sharp pinched my left arm, and I
looked over to see the dart, and then I didn't see anything

I woke up feeling lethargic, but it only took me a minute to understand what
had happened and where I was. I was still in the filthy, sweat-covered
uniform, and my left arm hurt a little where the dart had hit me. I must have
known I'd run into some of the people from the complex even before the
knockout drug had taken effect, and looking around at the small room I lay in
confirmed that. I was on a narrow, padded couch of brown leather in a neatly
dark-paneled room with a tiny, spotless desk, and the Sec staring at me just
completed the picture. I took my time getting around to examining her face,
but when I did she smiled faintly.

"In case you don't remember, the name's Finner," she said, studying me from
the chair she sat in. She was a big woman with blond hair and gray eyes, and I
recalled her as the Sec in the dorm room who had tried to talk me into
cooperating.

"I remember," I said, examining her mind to find what I thought I would. She
was a null, even if she did show more emotion than the rest of the breed. "Do
they really think hiding behind you will do them any good?"

"They know it will," she answered with a wider smile, crossing her legs as she
relaxed back in the chair. "You did a good job of keeping out of the way of
searchers for a lot of days, but your luck ran out when you stumbled over that
team looking for targets to bring back. You really couldn't have expected to
stay loose much longer, and now that we have you again you might as well be
reasonable. "

I sat up on the couch to cover my surprise, only right then understanding that
those people still didn't know Iii been rescued. That meant they also didn't
know about the attack ready to happen, and I intended keeping it that way.

"What is it you expect me to be reasonable about?" I asked as I ran my hands
through my hair, finally understanding why I had felt it necessary to wear
that brown uniform. "If you remember me all that well, you might also remember
my opinions about cooperating."

"Look, honey, there's only one reason you and I are holding this
conversation," she said, her gray eyes directly on me. "If any other girl had
given them the trouble you did, right now shed be finding it tough to
understand the wall she was staring at. They didn't take your mind because
they want to find out about it first, and they don't much care how they
accomplish that. Once they have everything they need, you're off the hook.
You'll go quietly to sleep, and when you wake up again you won't mind making
babies or anything else."

Straight out, without trying to fool me; the only thing I had to look forward
to was pain if I didn't cooperate, a final end to all the trouble if I did. It
was the closest they were willing to let me come to freedom or death, and were
offering it as a prize for my cooperation. I didn't want to shiver, but not
wanting to didn't stop it.

"I really do have to remember to thank them for their generosity," I said,
letting my mind reach out as I looked away from her. "Just what kind of
answers do they think they can get from me, and what good do they expect it to
do them?"

"They want to know what you did to Serdin," she answered willingly enough,
still sounding mostly unconcerned. "They also want to know if you can do
anything else, and if so, what."

My searching mind had had some difficulty getting through the-tension-of some
sort that seemed to surround the room, but once through I was aware of all the
minds available to 'be reached. Most of them were rather far, but a group of
five plus three null minds couldn't have been more than a room or two away.
They were also listening to what was going on in my room, that was almost as
clear as words, and suddenly I knew how I wanted to respond to their
questions-and incidently divert them from looking outside for a while.

"I can't explain what I did to Serdin," I said, bringing my eyes back to her
while giving no indication that I knew anyone else was listening. "I don't
understand myself how it works, all I know is how to do it. As far as the rest
of it goes-what I can do is beat any Prime in this place. If none of them have
ever gotten out the way I did they can't be much, which is exactly what I
think of this whole operation. Half-baked normals puffing up the pride of a
bunch of so-called Primes, all of them trying to hide how incompetent they are
by telling each other how great they are. But they are men, Finner, so I never
expected any more."

"Is that supposed to be between you and me?" she asked, fractionally more
amused. "Did you check a mind or two on your way out, and that's how you know
what they're like? And while we're near the subject, just exactly how did you
get reawakened in the first place?"

"How I got to be awake is a piece of information I'll be keeping to myself for
a while," I said, making it sound as though I intended bargaining with the
point at a later time. "You can tell or not tell what I said about their
operation, I couldn't care less, but I don't think they'll really enjoy
hearing it. And no, I didn't check any minds on my way out, but I didn't have
to. As great as Kel-Ten thought he was, he was still here. By getting out, I
proved I'm better."

"I see," she said, stirring in the chair before getting to her feet. "For some
reason they don't want any men around you, so you and I will be spending some
time together. I'll let them know you're awake and somewhat willing to be
reasonable, and then I'll be back. Want anything to eat or drink?"

"You've got to be kidding," I said with a snort, folding one leg under me on
the leather couch. "What I found in the woods and got from the Ejects was no
banquet, but at least it wasn't added to. I'd rather starve than find myself
drugged up again."

"So it was the Ejects who helped you," she said, nodding at the confirmation
she'd gotten out of me. "We thought so, but didn't know for sure. They'll end
up teaching them not to do that again, especially after they thought they knew
better than to interfere with one of ours to begin with. I'll be back in a
couple of minutes."

She went out and closed the door behind her, leaving the room a little darker
without the presence of her white uniform. I kept my face expressionless and
my mind curtained, but I wanted to bare my teeth at what they thought they'd
be doing to those "Ejects" who had helped me. I couldn't wait until they
really were mixing it up with those who had helped me, but I had to stall for
time until everything was ready. That was why I'd insulted them and their
precious Primes, pretending at the same time that 1 knew nothing about the
level of mind power I'd be going up against. Injured pride very often makes
people act like fools, especially if they believe they can get the answers
they want along with a good deal of satisfaction. If they let me challenge
their people they could have me watched while I did it, and then they could
find out about my abilities before I was flattened. That was the way I was
hoping it would work, but I still kept my fingers crossed out of sight while I
waited.

It was longer than the couple of minutes Firmer had mentioned before she got
back, and she certainly hadn't been reporting anything to anyone. She'd gone
to the room her bosses were in and had waited while they argued about what to
do, and I thought I knew how it had worked out. If Serdin hadn't been one of
the ones listening my planning probably would have ended up down the drain,
but he had been one of them, and what he wanted was revenge. The others had
argued with him but he'd shouted them down, and then he'd given instructions
to Firmer.

"You were right about them not liking the way you looked down your nose at
their Primes," she said as she closed the door behind her before going back to
her chair. "They decided that if you're all that good, you won't mind
answering a challenge or two from their men. I told them I doubted if you'd
mind at all."

"Of course I wouldn't mind," I blustered, trying to sound nervous and unsure
but too stubborn to back down. "I know they can't be anything much, so why
would I mind?"

"You wouldn't, so you'll be glad to know they're setting it up now," she said,
getting some amusement out of my discomfort. "As soon as everything's ready
they'll send for us, so we can relax until they do. And in case you were
wondering, this room is in the middle of the complex, but don't expect to pick
up anything through the walls. The room is shielded, so you won't be able to
get through."

"Oh," I said in a wilted way, hoping I looked completely chastened instead of
ready to stick my tongue out and make a rude noise. So that was what that
strange tension around the room was supposed to be, shielding, and didn't
Serdin and his friends feel safe behind it. I made myself more comfortable on
the couch while I hoped they felt very safe-right up to the minute I reached
through it to get them, and then gave them my thanks for what they'd done to
me and the child I would now never know.

It took me a couple of minutes to back my rage down to a manageable level, but
once it was done I found I had nothing to occupy me enough to keep it down. I
needed a distraction until my challenge was arranged, but friendly
conversation with Firmer was out; the less I said the less chance there would
be of my saying the wrong thing, and I didn't particularly want to get
friendly with Firmer. That left nothing but her mind to occupy me, a mind I
couldn't touch because she was a null. I'd never really been that close to a
null before with nothing else happening, and I had nothing better to do anyway
....

Twenty minutes later that was all I had out of my efforts: a whole lot of
nothing. Firmer sat relaxed in her chair while I shifted on my couch, trying
to figure out where she could be feeling whatever it was she did feel. I'd
done a little gentle sending just as a test, but the big blond Sec hadn't felt
a thing. I knew she was there and alive, I could see that even if I couldn't
prove it with my mind, but where the hell were her emotions? They had to be
.some place if she was feeling things, and the amusement shed shown meant she
was feeling them. Were they working on a different frequency, hidden in
another dimension, what? Where in hell could they possibly-

"Okay, they're ready for her now," a voice came from the doorway, making me
jump and look up. Another null female Sec stood there, and she was talking to
Firmer.

"Okay, honey, now's the time you get to show everybody what you can do,"
Firmer said, getting out of her char. "You follow her, and I'll follow you.

I stood up slowly, still playing scared but stubborn, and went toward the
newcomer Sec. She waited until I reached her before turning and leading the
way, and once I was out in the hall I understood where I was in relation to
the part of the complex I knew. We were walking through the area on the inner
side of the executive offices, and the women's Medical section was just ahead.
After just a few steps we were passing their lines, and they still didn't look
around in curiosity.

I was escorted through the women's dormitory and the low dining room into the
men's area, and from there to the part of the building where all the
exercising and training was done. When we moved out of the lift area we could
see a small crowd of people waiting around the assignment board, mostly male
with a couple of female executive types among them, and I didn't realize the
welcoming committee wasn't official until Finner moved up to walk to my right
instead of following along behind.

"I hope you'll excuse our not stopping, but we have people waiting for us,"
she said to the group in general, keeping it polite but also making it firm.
"Since you were all invited, why don't you just come along with us?"

"We prefer voicing an opinion or two ahead of the rest," the lazy answer came
as one man stepped out in front of the others, his grin full of anticipation.
I didn't have to look twice to know Jer-Mar, the very first Prime I'd met in
that place, and when his blue eyes came to me I also had no trouble
remembering the vicious delight they usually showed. "Well, well, sweet thing,
so you've returned to us in ignominy. They won't be letting Kel-Ten keep you
all to himself any longer, you know, which means you'll be available to the
rest of us again. They intend seeing how well you do being tied down in a room
with an open door, I hear, so I've already volunteered to be first. And tenth.
And fiftieth. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to that."

He had moved up to stop in front of me by then, deliberately blocking our
path, his mind positively writhing with delight. Firmer put a hand to my arm,
obviously intending to guide me around him, but the slime wasn't finished.
Once he'd said the words meant to send me cowering to the floor at his feet,
he reached a hand out and closed his fingers hard on my left breast.

Any competent tactician would know that the worst thing you can do is show
your surprise reserve before the battle starts, but it wasn't a tactician who
had had so much done to her by that lower life form, it was me. Without even
stopping to think about it I reached through my curtain to Jer-Mar's mind, and
then it was him doing the screaming, his face twisted in shock at the pain he
felt. He went to his knees clutching his groin, his screams echoing in the
otherwise silent area, and the faces of his cronies were gray with
suddenly-departed gloating.

"So now we know one of the things you can do," Firmer observed calmly, looking
down at the writhing Prime. "Would you like to tell me what it is for the sake
of my next report?"

To possibly keep them off your back for a little longer, was the suggestion,
which might or might not have been true. At that point it hopefully didn't
matter that much, so all I did was shrug.

"He thinks he's feeling very sensitive parts of him being squeezed in a
strong, angry fist," I answered, watching Jer-Mar collapse completely to the
floor as I released him. "I'm sure you know it isn't the pain we're given but
the pain we think we feel that hurts, so I didn't have to touch him to do
that. All I had to do was give him the proper sensations."

"All," the other Sec said in a mutter from my left, still staring at Jer-Mar.
Firmer did no more than nod, and then we continued on our way. Behind us we
left a number of very upset males, and two equally disturbed females in yellow
uniforms. Quatry and her loyal assistant still hated me, but now they feared
me as well.

Our final destination turned out to be one of the bigger training rooms, and
there were quite a lot of people in it. Aside from white-clad Secs and
black-clad trainers there were dozens of Primes dressed in their short
exercise clothes, most of their minds filled with outrage and indignation. Iii
been told how touchy they were when it came to being challenged, but that was
just too bad about them. You didn't have to be special to challenge someone,
you just had to be good-or ready to fall. As I felt my curtain thickening
against the noise I knew I wasn't ready to fall, and wouldn't be if I had the
choice. Through the windows wed passed I'd been able to see it was almost full
dark, not far from the time the attack was scheduled for.

I was led through the big room to the back of it, away from the doors to the
hall where the major portion of the crowd was. There were two men in black
waiting for me there, giving off the air of being in charge, but I already
knew they weren't. We were being watched and monitored from very near, from a
place that was safely behind shielded walls, where those in the room could
remain untouched.

"So this is the ring who thinks she can face up to Primes," one of the
trainers said as we came up, his voice dripping contempt as his mind probed
toward mine. "It's too bad we were all dragged away from what we were doing
for nothing. Her mind power is so weak, I can barely detect it."

"That makes you weak, not me," I countered as I stopped a couple of feet in
front of him, refusing to get flustered or angry or embarrassed the way he
wanted me to. "If you were all that good you'd be showing off your knees like
the rest of them, not wearing black from head to toe. If we're supposed to be
here for a reason, why don't we skip the conversation and get on with it."

The man's face flushed as his mind filled with insult, but he realized very
quickly I was just giving back what I had gotten. He didn't seem to think I
had the right to do that, but he wasn't too thickheaded to remember I was a
Prime, and one who could do things no one knew much about. He would have
preferred continuing the argument, but he gritted his teeth and got on with
the show instead.

"If you're in that much of a hurry to lose, I think we can oblige you," he
said, still stiff with affront but also pleased at the thought of what he knew
would be done to me. "Step right out here and we'll get started."

He gestured toward one of the lines on the floor before beginning to head for
it, and my two Sec companions moved toward the back wall when I followed the
man. They were the only other women in the room, and even though their faces
were expressionless I had the strangest feeling they were hoping I wouldn't
lose. The men in that place were arrogant beyond standard for the breed, and
even though female Sees would not be given the disdain used on female Primes,
they must have had something they would have enjoyed getting even for. I
smiled to myself just a little at that, taking it as a confirmation that nulls
did feel things like everyone else after all.

"There's no sense in having one of our absolute best waste his time on you,"
the man in black announced more to the audience than to me when I joined him
on the line, a smirk creasing his face. "After this is over you'll have their
attention, but not now. Prime Ind-Fam will begin, and will probably also
finish. Just face him, he'll take care of the rest."

The man stepped away from me to the accompaniment of laughter from the
watching Primes, all of them really enjoying themselves. The one who seemed
happiest, though, was the brown-haired, brown-eyed man who stood facing me on
a line of his own, twenty feet away if the distance indicators were accurate.
That had to be Ind-Fam, of course, and he didn't waste a minute beyond the
time it took for the trainer to get out of range.

"You don't have to be afraid of me," he called while projecting heavy fear,
his mind. steady and confident. "You'd be very wise if you were, but you don't
have to."

The man had moderate strength in his range, but just as the trainer had said,
he wasn't one of the best. I shunted the spread-out fear past me, then sent
back a little gift of my own.

"You don't have to be sorry for what you did, but somehow I think you are," I
called back, playing the game while I sent him grief instead of sorrow. His
mind blotted up the emotion like a dry towel dropped in a puddle, his frantic
efforts to resist proving absolutely worthless. His eyes widened as he began
to tremble, and then he was on his knees sobbing with heartbreak, his face
buried in his hands. There was shock in the minds behind him, and then two of
his friends came forward to help, while that second trainer I'd seen moved out
of the crowd and came forward. By then the first one in black was standing
beside me again, and he was the one the second trainer spoke to.

"Nothing," he said as he came up, his face on the pale side. "If there was any
spread I couldn't detect it, and neither could the Primes in front of me. I
was watching them at the same time."

"Why should there have been any spread?" I asked innocently, just as though I
didn't know what the problem was. "I was taught to keep my projections tight.
Weren't the rest of you taught the same?"

The two men stared at me without answering, knowing damned well that
everyone's projections spread at least a little at the edge of their range.
Since twenty feet should have been close to my limit they didn't understand
what was happening, but standing there guessing wasn't getting them anywhere.

"We'll go on to the next one," the first trainer who was obviously in charge
decided, ignoring me in favor of his coworker. "Get back in position."

The second man nodded then turned and trotted back to where he'd been, passing
another great Prime who had stepped out of the crowd to claim a line. This one
wasn't laughing or making clever comments, and the line he stood on was thirty
feet away. As soon as I was alone again he launched his attack, which proved
to be a little stronger than the previous one. Increasing your range also
increases your strength, of course, and the scathing, belittling contempt
should have sent me shuddering back in shame and inadequacy, firmly believing
I had no chance against him. He also held the projection longer, which meant I
had to work around what he was sending in order to reach him, but reach him I
did. His projection began wavering when the insecurity touched him, and only
seconds later he was also down on hands and knees, but not crying like his
predecessor. His problem was that he was so unsure of himself he didn't dare
trust himself to stand without falling, and wasn't even certain he could keep
the floor under him with the help of his hands. This time there was a thick
faintly frightened silence before anyone came forward to help him, and after
that the muttering began.

"You're playing some kind of game with us, aren't you?" the first trainer said
from his place to my left, having already gotten a headshake from his second
in command in the crowd. "You're showing nothing like enough power to do all
that, but you're still doing it. Who the hell are you, or better yet, what are
you?"

"I'm a Prime of the Centran Amalgamation," I answered, turning my head to look
him in the eye. "Did you think they gave that calling just to superior men,
and simply let the women use it to soothe their delicate little egos? Did it
never occur to you that you might have done better training the girls?"

Again he simply stared at me, trying not to believe I was telling him women
were potentially more powerful than men, an outright lie I was hoping they
would all start to believe. They deserved to be driven wild for what they'd
done to the women in that place, even if that wildness lasted only a little
while. The ones who survived would learn the truth-but first they had to
survive.

"You're still playing games," he said flatly after a moment, not really
believing his supposed decision. "I don't know what you're after, but whatever
it is, you won't be getting it. Those who win their challenges also win the
right to face the best, and that's where you've managed to get yourself.
They've already been sent for, so why don't you spend the next five minutes
getting your strength back?"

He gave me a very small, very cold smile and turned away, leaving me to stand
on my line all alone. He couldn't get through my curtain to really touch my
mind, but after facing two challenges he knew I had to be very tired and
almost to the end of my strength. If I had been tired five minutes wouldn't
have been long enough to rest even if I used trance, especially not with the
big guns coming. Happily for me I hadn't expended much in the way of strength
so I didn't have to rest, but there was no sense in sharing that piece of
information, even though it would have made them all feel worse. Let them
think I was tired but stubbornly refusing to admit it; their eventual
enlightening and disappointment would only be that much sharper.

Anyone watching me should have concluded I was waiting deep in worried
thought, but instead of worrying I was looking around for some indication that
the attack was starting. The crash teams were scheduled to come in first and
disable the outer defense weapons, and then they were to do the same with the
inner ones if they could. No one wanted them setting off alarms or cutting off
the lighting system to warn the inhabitants our fighters were on the way, but
once those fighters were inside, the defenses would go no matter what went
with them. Our fighting force consisted of those of Central stock with
sophisticated hand weapons, those of Rimilian stock with swords, and everyone
with a mind shield for defense and Prime strength for offense. The w'wendaa
with us hadn't been trained to community-level ability, but they'd been paired
with mind warriors as a protection, and also to give them a chance to see what
it was possible to accomplish. The community had a large number of l'lendaa
but only a few w'wendaa, and they'd been invited to join the attack in an
effort to recruit some of them. The community wanted them to join and train,
but believed more in enticement than in coercion.

I touched a number of minds around the building, finding nothing out of the
ordinary, and then I caught just a trace of extreme pain before the mind
winked out. Unconscious or dead I couldn't tell, but I was definitely able to
detect a number of shields around the place that mind had turned off in.- It
had to mean at least one of the crash teams had made it inside the building,
which also meant it would only be a matter of minutes before everyone else
joined them. I found myself flooded with vast relief even as I pulled my mind
back, finally able to admit I'd been starting to feel very alone again. Just
being in the complex made my hands want to shake, but knowing I would soon
have my own there helped to keep them as steady as I needed them to be.

"Rest time is over, girl," the trainer's voice came suddenly, a lot of
satisfaction in it. "Open your eyes and turn around, you have very special
visitors waiting to get a look at their challenger."

I opened my eyes and turned as he'd suggested, but the newcomers weren't in
any way surprising. The crowd had separated and moved left and right in the
room, leaving a broad aisle that framed three men who stood at the other end.
Two were in red shorts and top, one of them Ank-Soh and the other most
probably his co-holder of second place, they two in turn framing the man who
stood between them. That one was dressed in the gold he alone was permitted to
wear, and even at that distance I could tell his eyes were on me. His emotions
were being held rigidly in check, and someone who didn't know better would
think Kel-Ten was only faintly interested in answering my challenge.

"When they told him you were gone, they had to drug him to bring him down out
of the rage," the man beside me murmured, knowing well enough who I was
looking at. "He's not used to having rings turn their back on him unless
they're on hands and knees, and he's sure as hell not used to having them turn
around and challenge him after he's dipped them good. He wants more than a
small piece of you, girl, .he wants what he's been promised when he wins:
enough hours with you to take the bad taste out of his mouth."

With me still completely aware while it was happening, the dirty laugh in his
mind told me, something he couldn't say out loud in case I didn't yet know
what my final fate was to be. I closed my hands to fists at my sides to help
keep them steady, all the while continuing to stare at Kel-Ten. As far as he
knew I'd run out on him after he'd taken the risk of awakening me, not caring
that I was leaving him behind as long as I got out. He didn't know he would
soon be free and maybe wouldn't have cared even if he'd known; what I was
searching for was some vestige of tender feeling inside me for him. He was the
one who had made my escape possible, the one who had saved me from Jer-Mar and
the women in yellow, the one I had spent so much time with. I should have been
feeling something for him besides the deep-burning anger and almost-hatred I
did feel. I'd forgiven Tammad for what he'd done to me; why couldn't I forgive
Kel-Ten?

"Are you starting to feel nervous, girl?" the trainer asked with the dirty
laugh now showing up on the outside, clearly misinterpreting my reactions. I
was starting to worry, all right, but not in the way he thought. Considering
the fact that I owed Kel-Ten quite a lot it wouldn't have been fair to hurt
him, but that was exactly what I wanted more and more to do. I kept
remembering being ordered to my belly, and being dressed in a tight gold shirt
that was then torn almost to my waist. I remembered being treated as though I
were nothing, used to satisfy his needs, ignored when it came to my own. He'd
awakened me, all right, to make sure that he was able to escape, but I had to
keep telling myself I owed him . . . .
"I think they're just about ready for you," the man beside me said, his
gloating anticipation very strong. "As luck would have it, all three of them
have had a really easy day; they're as fresh and rested as if they just got up
from a good night's sleep. And since you like games so much, we've decided
we've got one for you. "

"What are you talking about?" I asked without looking at him, still trying to
soothe the growl out of my mind. If I had to fight Kel-Ten in my current mood
I'd end up really hurting him, and the worst part of the problem I faced was
that most of me liked the idea. I wanted to hurt him, wanted it very much
because I hated him, and couldn't find the faintest trace of guilt in me to
make the hate go away. The only thing I had going for me just then was that
Ank-Soh and his partner would need to be faced before it was Kel-Ten's turn,
and being number three on the list just might save him.

"I'm talking about the new game we just made up," the trainer said, really
enjoying himself. "Until now you've done it just the way it's usually done,
one challenger and one defender, winner going on to face the next higher
defender. Maybe if you weren't a-`Prime of the Centran Amalgamation' we would
have continued doing it that way, but seeing you're so important we decided
you deserved something special. Instead of facing them one at a time, they'll
be coming against you together-unless you'd like to answer the question of
where you learned to do what you're doing. That will get you two on one, and
to bring it down all the way you tell us exactly what your range and
capabilities are. You can have thirty seconds to think it over."

I finally turned my head to look at him, but he was too busy checking the time
to return the look, and I might not have noticed even if he had. My thoughts
were thundering around inside my head, and I couldn't decide whether I felt
suffocated or chilled. I couldn't answer the questions they'd asked, not even
if I wanted to tell the truth, but I also couldn't face all three of those men
together. I knew I couldn't best all three unless I killed them the way I'd
killed that Hand of Power, and for all the hate I felt I didn't even want to
see Kel-Ten dead. Hurt for the way he'd hurt me, yes, but not dead!

"You can't expect me to take this seriously," I said to the man counting time,
finding it was definitely chill that was all around me. "If those three
together manage to stomp me flat, you won't have your answers and you won't
have me. Besides, I thought Kel-Ten was promised something. "

"He was," the trainer said without raising his head, the smile visible only in
his mind. "That's why the three of them won't be stomping you flat, only
making you wish they had. Have you ever had three male Primes playing your
mind the way they would play your body if you were theirs to keep? Until now
they've only practiced on female targets, keeping it relatively short and
simple. With you it won't be either, and if you expect the screaming to bother
them you're kidding yourself. Your thirty seconds are up."

His eyes came up to me then, clearly hoping I would still refuse to cooperate,
and there was nothing I could do but oblige him. His mind had confirmed the
truth of everything he'd said, but there was still nothing I could tell him
that would do anyone any good. I'd have to face the three-but then it came to
me that maybe there was something I could show them.

"So you're curious about what my range is," I said, as flatly as he'd spoken
earlier. "I think I will let you know that-in my own special way."

I turned from his newborn frown to walk two steps forward, knowing I wasn't
about to give anything away. If I had to face three strong, trained minds I
couldn't do it with my curtain in place and possibly getting in the way, so I
had to banish it. Doing it with a flair might not get me anything that would
help, but there was a chance it could and none that it would hurt.

"Brothers, there's something you have to know," I called to the three men at
the far end of the room, using the opportunity to try reminding them that we
were, after all, the same kind. "The people running this place want you to
face me, but they're using you just like they always have, this time to see if
you can succeed where others have failed. I know your minds but you don't know
mine, so why don't I show it to you before you decide whether or not to let
them use you again."

There was just enough time for a startled mutter to break out in the crowd of
watchers to either side of the room, and then it turned into a concerted gasp
to greet the banishing of my curtain. The strongest mind those men had ever
seen was Kel-Ten's, and I could feel the shock in every one of them when they
were able to reach mine. From where they all stood they shouldn't have been
able to reach me; the fact that they could told them I was the one doing the
reaching, and that in itself turned them very shaken.

"I see Ank-Soh and his level-brother are uncertain," I said, pressing my small
advantage while at the same time sending a strong "patience!" to Kel-Ten. I
wanted him to know the game we'd played wasn't over yet, that there was still
a chance for him to have what we'd plotted for, but I couldn't quite get how
he took it in the midst of all the new mental noise flying around. "Yes, I can
read you from this distance, but more to the point I can also touch you. Are
you going to let them send you against me, forcing me to destroy you, just so
they can find out what I'm capable of? In range and together you three may
well be stronger than I am, but let me show you another thing I can do."

I called up the light shield to cover my mind and immediately reached through
it, but almost didn't have to bother. The crowd of watching Primes was going
wild, knowing I was right then untouchable to each and every one of them,
something they'd never seen anyone do on their own before. Things seemed to be
going well enough to let me feel encouraged, but at times like that there must
be a law that causes someone to come along and spoil it.

"Be quiet!" the man in black shouted as he came up beside me, his face red as
he raised both arms to command the silence he'd demanded. "Shut up and listen
to me! You're all acting like a bunch of tight-assed virgins, listening to
this ring and taking her seriously! Didn't any of you ever face a challenge
before'? Did you let your opponent talk a win out of you? If she didn't know
damned well she would lose, wouldn't she be fighting instead of flapping her
mouth? Are you men and Primes, or are you shivering rings yourselves? Get over
here and make her drop this shield, then teach her what you do to females who
try getting out of the place they belong!"

He shoved me forward a few steps then, deeper into the new mutter rising to
both sides of the room, but worse than that closer to the three he'd mainly
been addressing. They'd all been staring at me during his harangue, their
minds too far away to reach easily through the shield, and after a very brief
hesitation Kel-Ten started forward! All I could think of was the time Len had
used his mind to make my body react, the times Tammad had done the same, all
those times other Rimilian males had unknowingly coerced me into doing what
pleased them. If Kel-Ten and the others got control of me Iii do anything they
said, answer any questions they asked, and being done like that frightened me
more than even the thought of death could. If I stayed shielded they couldn't
touch my mind-but the trainer had said it was possible to force a shield open!
To keep them away from me I'd have to kill them, but 1 didn't want to kill
them! I was very much afraid it wasn't possible to kill with your mind when
you didn't want to, which left me with nothing at all to do to protect myself.
I stood in the middle of the floor as Kel-Ten, leading the other two, slowly
got nearer, helpless to keep myself from trembling and not far from a whimper.

"The girl isn't the only one who had a lot to say," Kel-Ten announced
suddenly, stopping just as abruptly with the other two behind him. "You did a
lot of talking yourself, Master Trainer, but I somehow missed the part where
you proved she was lying when she said you were using us. Did you miss the
fact that we could feel her mind all the way over on the other side of the
room? Would you like to know how little spread there was even at that
distance? We were told we were being rewarded by being allowed to go after her
together to teach her a lesson. We could do anything we liked as long as we
didn't hurt her permanently, they said. Facing a mind like that is a reward?
Without being told we have to work together, otherwise we'll end up losing?
Would you like to tell us how many of us you expect to lose anyway? Would
you?"

By that time Kel-Ten was shouting, his fury so strong it blazed out of him in
all directions. Even through my shield I could feel that Ank-Soh and the other
Prime in red were linking their own fury and sending it out with his,
spreading it to every Prime in the room. The man in black beside me had gone
pale, and then he was staggering under the storm of rage echoing throughout
the room.

"Get them all!" Kel-Ten screamed with teeth bared, and without an instant's
hesitation the Primes in the room turned on every white or black-clad figure,
using their minds against the black and their fists and feet against the
white, those two colors going down beneath whichever torrent overwhelmed it.
There's a limit to the amount of power you can shunt aside when it comes at
you, and every trainer in the room was well beyond that limit.

I stood in the only sane three-foot square in the room, watching in shock as
the Primes raged and ravened all over the rest of it, attacking the paneling
on the walls when there were no more living enemies to go after. Every shred
of resentment and anger they'd ever felt had been triggered at once, turning
them into deadly, unreasoning animals, not caring what they did or who saw it.

Saw it! I realized with another shock that they didn't know we were being
watched by what was probably every higher-up in the complex, who had to have
some way of stopping riots like that. I knew I had to do something to stop
them, but it wasn't possible to work through the boiling sea of insanity the
room had become. I had to get out of there, and then I would do what I could.

I actually glanced over my shoulder to see whether or not I was being watched
by the two Secs who had brought me there, then looked quickly away again
before starting to make my way out of the room. I would have felt stupid for
not realizing that a white uniform is a white uniform no matter who's wearing
it-if I hadn't felt so sickened instead. That they were women had made no
difference to the Primes, all that had mattered was that they were Sees. I
would have closed my eyes and emptied my insides at that horrible example of
total equality, but I simply didn't have the time.

It didn't take me as long as I thought it would to get out of the room. I was
worried about the brown uniform I had on, but wrapping myself in a strong
projection of unimportance had let me move through the riot without anyone
paying any attention to me. I stopped out in the hall and took a deep breath,
but didn't have any more time to lose than that. Once the training room was
completely demolished the riot would spill out into the rest of the building,
and I had to be away after the people I was looking for well before that. Glad
that the shielding on the room was still intact I sent my mind out, and found
what I was looking for almost immediately. Those very important people were
very close, and all of them seemed to be in a panic. I saw where they were in
relation to the room I had just left, and quickly headed that way.

Down the hall and around one turn brought me to a door marked, "Do not enter,"
and I had no doubt the command was usually obeyed. That time, though, it was
ignored completely as I turned the knob and quietly entered, the noise in the
room hitting at me as soon as I opened the door. The room was very tastefully
and comfortably decorated around the half dozen viewing screens it held, but
the men occupying it weren't enjoying what it offered or taking advantage of
the viewing it afforded. They were arguing bitterly, and Serdin seemed to be
one against all the others.

"I don't know why the pacifiers aren't working!" he was shouting, his gray
uniform looking rumpled rather than neat and cool. "That's why I sent a repair
crew to central control! What more do you want me to do?"

"We want you to get this stopped!" one of the men came back in a hiss, a heavy
man also in gray who had very long brown hair and rings on nearly all of his
fingers. "If this is an example 'of the way you've been running this complex,
I'm surprised it's still standing! You can be sure Rathmore will hear all
about the way you entertain important guests, you certainly can be sure!"

"Krover, you've already been told this has never happened before," Serdin
growled, then gestured toward another man in yellow. "Your own spy there told
you that, and if you're not going to believe him, why did you bother sending
him here to be my assistant? You and your associates will be just as safe in
this room as I am, and once we get them quieted down you can even help me
decide what to do to them for this outrage. Something like that should
brighten your visit considerably."

"I'd rather do something to darken it," I said as the fat man began to appear
mollified, stepping forward to let the door swing closed behind me. Every head
in the room turned in my direction, most of them showing expressions of shock,
but Serdin looked furious.

"You!" he spat, taking one step toward me, his hands closed to fists at his
sides. "You have the nerve to walk in here after everything you've done?"

"Why not?" I asked mildly, letting him see nothing of what was growing in my
mind-or letting him know I'd dropped my shield. "You don't have your nulls
with you any longer, so what was there to keep me from paying you' a visit?"

"You can ask that when there are five of us?" he blustered, his mind suddenly
cold with worry. "We saw you fighting to get out of facing three men, so what
could you possibly do against five?"

"Those weren't three men, they were three Primes," said, still keeping the
words to a drawl. "Don't you know the difference yet between the two? Here,
let me show you. "

I took Serdin's mind with mine and froze him in place, then reached out to the
fat man who stood quivering with fear. I replaced his fear with infuriated
outrage aimed at Serdin, then watched as the man fronted Serdin, spit at trim,
then slapped him hard across the face. At that point I released them both,
then smiled faintly.

"See what it means to be a Prime?" I asked, feeling their minds clang with
shock while the other three men whimpered and backed away. "I couldn't have
done that to them, not without half crippling them, but I can do anything I
like with the untalented."
My two victims stared at me in horror, their eyes wide as they remembered
every fairy tale they'd every heard about why it wasn't safe to have awakened
empaths around. Serdin's mind stumbled across an idea and seized on it, and he
laughed harshly even as he wiped a hand across his mouth.

"You can do anything you like while you're awake!" he spat at me, vindictive
delight coursing through him. "The only thing I have to say to a Prime is-"

The word he spoke registered in my mind even though I couldn't quite hear and
retain it, but nothing happened. I realized then that he'd tried to turn me
off, but Id been right about two "offs" being unworkable. I'd broken out of
the last "off" and had never been turned "on" again, and that made whatever
word I was keyed to absolutely worthless. The fat man was staring at me with
the same hope-for-vengeance Serdin showed, and wasn't it a pity I had to
disappoint them.

"Would you care to repeat what you just said?" I asked, stabbing into each of
their minds with a pinpoint of pain. "I'm afraid I didn't quite hear it."

The two men screamed with pain and fear, making the other three cower even
harder against the wall they'd backed to, and suddenly I was no longer in the
mood for games.

"You take people and do whatever you please to them, and don't give a damn as
long as you're as well off as you want to be," I said, beginning to walk
slowly forward. "You kidnapped me and drugged me and took away my memories and
had me savaged, and all the while you laughed and enjoyed what you were
watching. That was bad enough, worse than bad enough, but then I found out you
had even killed my baby! Do you know what that means I'm going to do to you
now? Have you any idea how bad agony can get?"

The two I was screaming at were on the floor trying to crawl away, slobbering
and mewling at what they felt from the leakage of my mind. I wasn't projecting
at them yet, only screaming, but the force inside me had been building ever
since Murdock had told me what they'd done.

"You're equally guilty, both of you, and what I give you will be only a taste
of what Rathmore will get if I ever find myself in reach of him!" I screamed.
"You were worried about being safe, both of you wanted to be safe! Well, I'm
going to make you just as safe as my baby was! "

I projected at them then, so insanely furious that I was aware of nothing but
punishing them. Faintly I heard agonized and terrified screams, as though from
far away, but. nothing reached through the madness controlling me. I just kept
on projecting, until suddenly there was nothing but black.

I stirred where I lay and took a deep breath, feeling a little tired but very
satisfied. I opened my eyes to find out where I was, saw a large room
decorated in red and black and cobalt blue, and didn't understand. The room
was a very large bedroom, specifically shown by the wide bed I lay on, but I'd
never seen it before and couldn't imagine where it was. For that matter I
couldn't quite remember where I d been, but as I sat up with my hand to my
head I got all the answers in a way I would have preferred never having
encountered.

"Well, now, I'm glad to see you awake again," a voice said from my right and
somewhat behind, a voice that chilled me to the bone. "It's a good thing I had
the foresight to bring you here rather than leave you where I found you. Here
we won't be disturbed."
I didn't even want to breathe let alone turn around, but a fascination for
horror must be part of all of us. Still sitting on the bed I twisted to the
right, to see there was no headboard or wall behind me. Instead, the room
extended back almost as far as it did ahead, and sitting in a chair watching
me, still in his white uniform, was the null Sec Adjin. Sight of his dark hair
and eyes started me trembling, which in turn brought him a smile.

"You killed all five of them, you know," he said, uncrossing his legs to get
out of the chair. "If I didn't know better I would have sworn they suffocated,
there in a room with all the air they needed. You were screaming something
about that being the way to kill an unborn baby, to deprive it of what it
needs to live. I watched you waiting until they stopped moving, and then I
watched you collapse. "

He walked up to the bed and then started moving around it, obviously coming to
the side where I sat. I wanted to run farther and faster than I ever had in my
life, but his dark eyes kept me frozen where I was even as he strolled nearer.

"Those people are all over the complex by now, did you know that?" he asked,
the calm conversation making it seem like a nightmare for me. "Before any of
us were aware of it they were inside, and somehow most of our defensive and
pacification systems were out. I went back to tell Serdin what was happening,
and found that Serdin had no more interest in knowing. That was where I also
found you. "

"Those people are friends of mine," I whispered, so petrified that all I could
do was shake as he sat down beside me to the left. "They know I'm here, so
they won't stop looking until they find me. You can't keep me..."

"But I can keep you," he contradicted over my gasp of pain, the fingers of his
right hand closed tight in my hair as they forced my head back. "I've brought
you to a special room of mine, and your friends will be far too busy with the
inmates of the complex to find this room for quite a while. By the time they
do we'll be gone from it, and already started on our new life together."

I cried out and tried to fight free of his grip, but all he did was tighten it
as he laughed. Iii also been trying to hammer at his mind, and for some reason
I believed he knew it.

"I'm really going to enjoy owning you," he said, bringing his face down so
close to mine that I thought I'd be sick. "Not only will I have your body to
use, but I'll also have the use of your mind-in the way I train you to use it.
Those friends of yours must have gone after Rathmore Heilman on Central too,
but what they don't know is that they're just clearing the way for me. Before
they turn around I'll have all the reins in my hands, and then they'll find
it's too late to stop me. I'll see to the removal of the unimportant, those
whose deaths won't stir up a fuss, and you-you'll take care of the ones who'll
be best dead without a mark on them. You'll also be able to reach the ones
hiding behind doors and guards, the ones who think they're safe. You will do
it for me, sweet thing, because you won't dare not to."

Again I tried struggling as his lips lowered to mine, but I simply couldn't
force him away from me. I was terrified of him, terrified of what he would do,
but I couldn't get away! Deep inside, my mind was crying, a terrible
small-child wail that acknowledged the fact of my being lost forever. I'd
killed those who had killed my

baby, and maybe that was why it was happening, as punishment. I would have
done it again even if I knew the price I would be paying, but that didn't
change the fact that I would be owned by a man I both loathed and feared
horribly, a man who would give me nothing but pain for the rest of my life.
That had to be why I couldn't belong to the man I loved, the reason why this
null who held me had terrified me from the first moment I saw him. Some part
of me had known he would own me, and there was nothing I'd ever be able to do
to get free again!



Chapter 15

I sat on the bed with the top of my brown uniform open and the cloth shoved
down to the middle of my arms, bared to the sight and touch of the null. His
left hand fondled my breast just as any man's hand would, but he wasn't just
any man. He'd already hurt me once for being too slow in getting the uniform
open, and my flesh still ached under the hand that now gently stroked and
caressed it. He was deliberately giving himself enjoyment without giving any
to me, and I didn't know how long I could take being treated like that without
going insane.

"Most people would have trouble believing how really easy it is to train a
woman," he said as he touched me, the words not only casual but downright
lazy. "First thing you do is teach her what pain is, and then, once she
learns, you give her a very small amount of pleasure or even kindness. After a
while you find she'll do anything to get that small amount of pleasure,
anything to get even one kind word. At that point she's completely yours, and
you'll never have trouble with her again."

Or you can give her all the love and understanding you have, and give her pain
only when she forces you to it, I thought. That's the way Tammad had done it,
and his way had also made me completely his. That was the difference between
Tammad and Kel-Ten, I realized, the difference that had brought me to love one
while I hated the other. Tammad had done what he had for my sake rather than
his own, and would never have done even half of it if I hadn't forced him to
it. I'd tried to reach the mind of my beloved for one last touch, but even
though the room wasn't shielded I hadn't been able to find him. 1 hadn't, in
fact, been able to reach anyone in twenty minutes of trying, which had told me
I really was lost for good.

"You know, if I didn't know better I'd think you were ignoring me," the null
said, the gentleness of his stroking unchanged. "Are you telling yourself that
if you close your eyes I'll just go away?"

I shook my head and then did close my eyes, finding the truth of what he'd
once said to a doctor in that place. With my eyes closed he wasn't there even
if I did still feel his hand, a hand without a mind behind it and of someone
who wasn't there. But of course he was there, I knew he was there, I just
couldn't see him with my mind. He was hidden away and out of sight somewhere,
on another frequency or in another dimension . . . .

"Don't!" I screamed, trying to bend forward with the pain his fingers were
giving me, his hands keeping me from pulling away. "Don't hurt me like that!"

"In what way would you like me to hurt you?" he asked in the same lazy tone,
not easing up at all. "You won't ever be allowed to ignore me, you know, and
closing your eyes will never make me go away. You can't see me any more than
those imbeciles could see you were awake, but that only means you'll never be
able to touch me. I'm the one who'll do the touching, and you're the one
who'll feel it."
I cried out again as his fingers twisted harder, but part of the scream held
the possibility of triumph rather than the ring of pain. He'd been trying to
torture me with how impossible it was to reach, him, but instead he just might
have given me the key to where he was! I struggled my arms up despite the
uniform holding them down and beat at his face in an effort to make him let me
go, knowing my mind-tool would help me do what I had to if I could just stop
the pain long enough to reach it. He cursed at me as he blocked my fists, and
then the room was spinning and clanging from the slap he gave me, my cheek
flaming to fire as I went over sideways on the bed. The next instant his
fingers were twisted in my hair again, and I was pulled to my back to see him
looming over me.

"You're not picking up on this very well, pretty girl," he said hoarsely, the
look in his dark eyes so cold I shivered. "I'm the one who does the hitting,
you're the one who does the getting hit. Here, let me show you again how it
goes."

He raised his left fist angled back and down, giving me more than enough time
to see where he was aiming. He was going to hit me in the stomach, probably to
keep the bruises from annoying him by showing caring nothing at all about what
damage he might do. I needed time to try the idea I'd had, but he wasn't
giving me time-and then I nearly screamed again at the sound of the door
shattering. He let me go instantly and threw himself from the bed, and when I
managed to struggle half erect I saw

Tammad, standing in the room with pieces of door scattered on the floor behind
him, that giant sword in his fist, kill-lust in his mind. He'd seen what Adjin
had been about to do to me and knew what had already been done, and all he
wanted was to end the life of the man he stared at. I couldn't believe he was
there, couldn't believe he had found me, couldn't believe it was all over

"Don't come any closer, savage," Adjin said in a very cool, very unexcited
voice, obviously talking to my beloved. When I turned my head furiously to
look at him, the words I would have said froze on my tongue. Adjin had
something small and round pointed at me, and the faint smile on his face was
no bluff.

"If you so much as think about taking another step, I'll kill her," the null
said, his hand absolutely steady on the weapon. "Then you'll be able to kill
me, but she'll still be dead. If you don't want it to happen, put that sticker
back in its nest, then get rid of the whole belt."

"Don't listen to him!" I shouted as quickly as I could, looking at the
barbarian, but I was already too late. Knowing men and what they were capable
of far better than I ever would, Tammad was wasting no time following
instructions. His light, furious eyes were locked to the dark ones watching
him, his teeth showed in a silent snarl, but his hands were already empty and
reaching for his swordbelt. I'm sure he knew he would be dead at most only
minutes after he disarmed himself, but that didn't matter to him as long as I
lived.

Well, congratulations, Terry, you managed to get rescued, a voice inside me
said, sounding sickeningly sweet. Now that Tammad's started the ball rolling,
do you think you might make the effort to give him a hand?

"Damn!" I said under my breath, immediately reaching for my mind tool. Talk
about your softheaded, helpless females! The big hero arrives, and she just
sits there and watches him die. That could have been the meaning of the
conviction I'd had, that I'd never belong to Tammad because he would soon die,
but if it happened it would not be because I just sat there!
Putting my mind-tool into use always seems to make time stretch, as though
everyone but me has slowed to a crawl. That time I really needed the edge, as
I had no true idea of what to do to make my guess work. Adjin had said
something about me not being able to see his mind any more than the complex
people had been able to see I was awake, and that had to be the answer. No one
had known I was awake because I'd been shielded, that being the only way to
keep an empath from a living mind. It had suddenly come to me to wonder if it
were possible that nulls were born shielded, and not being empaths had no way
of ever banishing that shield. If that proved true then their emotions were
right where they could be easily reached-by someone who knew how to get
through a shield.

But Id had the time to examine Firmer's mind closely, and hadn't been able to
detect the gaps an ordinary shield contained! If my theory was true, then it
had to be an impenetrable shield that enclosed their minds, and there was no
way to get through one of those. All it was possible to do was go around it,
and I hadn't been able to get around Rissim's shield or Irin's-

But you also didn't want to hurt Rissim or Irin by experimenting, that inner
voice reminded me, the mind-tool immediately calming my upset which had begun
growing. You may not have the room to get around the null's shield, but if you
hurt him will you really care?

Yes, I admitted with the calm I was being made to feel, but I'll do it anyway.
I have to do it, or he'll just go on hurting more and more innocents.

"That's exactly what I wanted," Adjin's voice came, and I looked up to see
that Tammad had tossed away his swordbelt-and the null was beginning to swing
the weapon toward him! Mind-tool or not, I'd run out of time, and whatever I
did had to be done fast! I gathered the sensation of touching something
unbearably hot, pushed it forward, then swung it around toward where the
null's emotions should have been. There was an agonizingly long wait of
seconds, and then-

"Yeow!" the null screamed, flinging away the weapon he'd almost had leveled on
the barbarian. Tammad's eyes lit with delight, a growl sounded in his throat,
and then he was launching himself at the man he so achingly wanted to reach.

By rights it should have been over with then and there, but I'd forgotten the
reason why Secs didn't need to carry weapons. Adjin was still shaking the pain
out of his hand when Tammad reached him, but at the last second he turned and
lashed out with a kick. The big barbarian grunted and bent over, the impetus
of his charge wiped out, and Adjin grinned and put himself into an odd-looking
semi-crouch. He wasn't much smaller than Tammad, but it was clear his
confidence came from something other than size.

The next couple of minutes made me get to my knees on the bed and clench my
fists, but despite the fact that Tammad wasn't doing at all well, I knew I
couldn't interfere. Every time it looked like the big barbarian was about to
get his hands on the Sec, Adjin would lean away and land a kick, but if I
tried helping by touching him again, I knew Tammad would be furious. At that
point I wasn't feeling very understanding or reasonable, but I had to admit he
would have had cause to be furious. Id lately been part of a number of
confrontations myself, and with one or two of them I would have flayed anyone
who tried to interfere for whatever reason. There are some battles you just
have to fight for yourself, and what Tammad was then engaged in was one of
those.

Despite the fact that he was losing. They'd only been going at it for a few
minutes, but the barbarian was already sweating and not just from the
exertion. Most of the sweat came from the pain he'd been given, and at first
Adjin had really enjoyed giving it. After the first couple of kicks Tammad had
learned to shift just a little before the blow landed, and Adjin hadn't liked
that. He kept on kicking at him and reaching after that, but he was no longer
grinning while he did it.

The punishment went on and on, but if I was upset I would have bet Adjin was
frantic. Every time the Sec kicked him now it looked like he expected the
Rimilian to go down, but Tammad refused to do it. He staggered under the
strength of the blow, his body streaming the sweat of agony, but the kill-look
in his light eyes refused to fade and his hands refused to stop reaching for
the throat they wanted. Adjin knew that if he faltered even once he was done,
but all that kicking must have been very tiring. His white uniform was
beginning to darken with his own sweat, but he didn't dare stop to rest.

I was listing again all the reasons I shouldn't interfere, my palms aching
from the fingernails dug into them, when the end suddenly came. Adjin,
horribly tired but forcing himself to go on, launched another kick, but one
that lacked the speed the previous ones had had. Tammad, exultation in his
mind, immediately grabbed the foot coming at him, something he'd done once
before earlier in the fight. The first time Adjin had shifted his balance and
kicked up with the foot he'd been standing on, and Tammad had been thrown back
and away, having time to return to his feet but with nothing to show for his
efforts.

The second time, however, was another story. Almost automatically Adjin tried
using his free foot again, but the strength and speed just weren't there.
Tammad knocked the second kick away with his arm while throwing himself
forward, and the two of them went down together. Adjin tried desperately to
reach Tammad with his hands, but the big barbarian moved behind him and
wrapped a wide arm around his throat. Adjin screamed as his body was pulled
back in an arc, struggled to free himself and reach the man who held him, but
it was too late. An almost soundless snap came, and his screams were ended
forever.

After that there were two unmoving bodies on the floor, and I lost no time
getting to the one that was still breathing. Tammad's mind was filled with
nothing but pain and exhaustion, even the sense of victory buried beneath
those two, but I no longer had to worry about distracting him. I knelt on the
floor and pulled his head into my lap, then reached out to him with the pain
control that was healing. I also took one of his hands to hold, but as far as
I know that did nothing to add to my mind's efforts.

It took quite a few minutes, but when I felt his body and mind eased far
enough that his own recuperative powers could handle it from then on, I
withdrew. I opened my eyes to see a pair of blue eyes gazing up at me, a smile
on the face beneath them, the hand I held now holding me as well. It's
unbelievably good to open your eyes to something like that, and I couldn't
help matching the smile I was getting.

"Have I ever told you what a really beautiful sight you are?" I asked,
smoothing aside a lock of his long, blond, still-wet hair. "Especially when
you come crashing through a door like that?"

"I seem to recall a time when you felt differently, wenda," he answered, his
smile changing to a grin. "It was the occasion of your very first banding, and
I doubt that you would have aided me as greatly then as you did this day. Also
did you aid me in withholding aid after the first of it, and I find myself
greatly satisfied to see that at last you have learned the mind and heart of
the l'lenda who is yours."

"I thought it was about time I did," I said, deciding it would be wise to
refrain from adding how close I'd come to doing exactly the opposite. "It was
particularly wonderful seeing you arrive like that because I never thought you
would. How did you find me?"

"I followed the trail of your thoughts," he said, his grin slipping just a
little as he forced himself to sitting. "It was not your mind which I came
upon when I was able to seek you, hama, it was a-trail of thoughts which
showed your passage. I know of no other way to give explanation to one who has
not hunted, yet was the matter clear to me and easily taken advantage of. It
was a trail of longing which I followed as a hunter, and at the end of it was
you-and that one."

The gesture he made in the direction of Adjin's body was full of the contempt
and disgust he felt, this time both of the emotions tinged with the-sense of
victory he hadn't been able to feel properly earlier. I was surprised that
something like what he'd done with his mind was possible, but that wasn't what
kept me from even glancing at the former null. The terror I d felt every time
I looked at or thought about Adjin was gone, more completely than his being
dead would account for, despite the fact that emotions like that tend to hang
on and haunt you even after the reason for them is removed. I thought about
the oddity for a moment, and then suddenly I knew why it had happened. My
terror had come from the very real possibility that he would kill Tammad, but
I hadn't known that. I'd thought it was personal terror I was feeling, but
once he'd died the terror had done the same.

Tammad and I spent a few minutes getting ourselves and/or our possessions
together, and then we left the room. I followed him through a part of the
complex I'd never seen before, one that was apparently underground, the walk
taking us past line after line after line of small metal doors stacked one
above the other. There was also an endless amount of mechanical equipment I
couldn't identify and didn't know the purpose of, but for some reason I didn't
like it. If Tammad hadn't had his arm around me I would have put a near-death
grip on him, and to hell with how helpless-female-like it would have been.
There was something about those oblong metal doors that bothered me, and
sometimes it feels good to admit just how frightened of something you are.

I would have enjoyed leaving that   area as fast as possible, but we walked for
a good ten minutes before we came   to the end of it. By that time we also came
to something else, a group of our   own people who had turned from the wall
they'd been examining when they'd   heard us coming. One of the group was
Ashton, and I could have felt the   relief in her mind a mile away.

"Tammad-bless you for finding her!" she called as soon as we were near enough,
stepping away from the others to meet us part way. "We were all sick with
worry, but when you disappeared too, we began feeling some hope. You'd better
get her back above to let the others know you rescued her."

"It would be far more accurate to say the rescue was accomplished through the
efforts of us both," Tammad answered, his arm briefly tightening around me as
he grinned. "I find myself filled with great pride over the doings of my
l'lenda wenda, and also over that which she fails to do."

"I figured out how to reach the mind of a null, but didn't step in when it
came to finishing him off," I explained with a shrug in answer to Ashton's
questioning look, inwardly very satisfied with the arrangement Tam-: mad and I
had come up with. I took care of the mental fighting while he took care of the
physical, each of us doing what he or she did best and using it to protect the
other. Then Ashton's look changed from questioning to sly, so I thought it
best to change the subject.

"How can you people take standing around down here sightseeing?" I demanded,
muffling a shiver. "Looking at the null's body wasn't as hard to do."

"So you feel it too," Ashton said with something of a smile, gesturing to the
others in her party. "So far only two of us have gotten the creepies, but that
could be because we know what it is. Have you ever seen this much stasis
equipment before?"

"What's stasis equipment doing way down here?" I asked, finding no relief in
having the machinery identified. "It's usually set up a lot closer to food
distribution points, and why would they need so much of it? Even with the
number of people needing to be fed in this place, they must have enough here
to hold three times their number for a thousand years."

"This equipment has nothing to do with food," she answered, then hesitated
very briefly before adding, "Terry, do you remember saying the male Primes
here weren't able to think about what happened to a First Prime when a
newcomer defeated him? Well, did it ever occur to you to ask why they would
train Primes as far as they could, only to put them out of the way when they
were finally defeated? It wouldn't make much sense, would it?"

"No, it wou-" I started, intending to agree, and then I felt a shudder run
completely through me. "Oh, Ashton, you don't mean- They couldn't have-"

"Wiped out the final defeat from their minds, then put them in stasis?" she
said, the faint smile on her face doing a bad job of hiding the sickness she
felt. "That's exactly what they did, we're told, and they've been doing it for
many years. If wed waited much longer to hit them, we would have been badly
outnumbered. Our-reluctant-informant told us they were just about to start
bringing them all out of it, the first step in their active plan of conquest.
Now we have to figure out how to do it, and in a way that will hurt them the
least. Need a job when we get back to Rimilia?"

I shivered again and didn't answer, just looked for and found the way out of
there. No wonder that place was so awful, all those living minds stopped
virtually in midthought! They were living dead men who would know nothing of
the passage of time when they were brought out of it, who would still think
they were the best ever made, who would still be spoiling to face challenges.
Work with that? I knew I'd rather be back working for Aesnil in Grelana.

It took us a while to trudge up the ramps that led aboveground, but once we
made it the peace and quiet were over. The fighting had long since stopped
from the initial attack, but bodies were still being cleared away, wounded
were being treated, and the resident Primes without ringing heads were making
absolute pains of themselves. I called up my curtain to filter out as much of
the mental noise as I could, then sent my mind searching for Rissim and Irin.
I made contact long before I saw them, which meant they were both grinning by
the time they were in view. Irin hugged me while Rissim thanked Tammad with
slaps to the back that should have knocked him down, then Rissim hugged me
while Irin got up on tiptoe and kissed Tammad's cheek. They'd sent someone to
tell Murdock I was all right they said, and then they had to leave to go back
to what they'd been doing. We arranged to meet again after things had quieted
down a little, and then Tammad and I went searching for a calm corner where we
could sit down and talk.

When I looked into the lounge I was hoping it was empty, but the answer turned
out to be, no such luck. Instead of being empty the room held quite a few
w'wendaa guarding a number of prisoners, and as soon as they saw me a cheer
went up.

"Chama, we knew you could not have been slain!" one of the women said for all
of them, coming forward with pleasure in her mind. "These darayse are naught,
and far from the ability required to best you. We feared only that they had
harmed you with unfair means."

"They tried, but happily they didn't make it," I answered, speaking in Centran
as I stepped farther into the room because the w'wendaa had. Apparently all of
our force had been equipped with both languages, and-

"Hey, sweet thing, how about putting in a word for me?" a voice called,
startling me into looking around to see Kel-Ten getting to his feet. His gold
outfit was dirty and sweat-stained, and a small line of dried blood showed at
the corner of his mouth. "After all these hours, I think I'm getting tired of
being patient."

"It's all right," I said to the w'wenda nearest him who was reaching for her
sword, then moved a few steps closer. "I'm sure the First Prime will prove to
be no enemy-once the drugs and conditioning are removed from him."

"And there's probably more of it to remove than even I thought," he said with
a grimace, relief showing in his mind when the w'wenda took her hand from her
hilt. "I spent hours asking myself why you'd left without me-and then got
around to wondering why you'd found it possible to go alone when I hadn't. I
didn't know then what sort of mind you really had, but the question was enough
to start me thinking. When I faced you across the training room and felt you
ordering me to have patience instead of begging me to forgive you, I knew
something was going on. I thought starting a riot was the least I could do,
especially after you'd gotten them ready for it by shaking them up. We were so
far into it we almost got cut down by these people of yours, but they seemed
to know it wasn't them we were after."

"They're good at knowing things like that," I agreed with a nod. "When they
finally get things straightened out enough to turn you loose, check with one
of the technicians before you use a chef to get anything to eat or drink. I
know they intend getting rid of the drug programming, but I don't know when
they'll have time for it. If they haven't gotten around to it, use someone not
in the memory to order for you."

I started to turn away from him, relieved to have gotten through the
conversation so easily, but he wasn't through. He put a hand on my arm to stop
me, and when I looked up at him he grinned.

"Speaking about the drugs and what they do to you, I-ah-still have something
of a problem," he said, the hand on my arm squeezing suggestively. "Since you
still owe me for what I did for you, how about the two of us going back to my
apartment where you can-see to my problem. "

He began to send me the heat in his mind, a heat that had more personal choice
than drug-induced need behind it, but I didn't get the chance to throw it back
at him the way I wanted to. A thick arm reached over my left shoulder, the
hand attached to the arm closing on his throat, and suddenly heat wasn't the
main problem on Kel-Ten's mind.

"Should you wish the touching of my woman, you must first face and best me,"
Tammad said, his calm tone widening the eyes of the man he held by the throat.
"Such a doing is called offering a challenge, and in no manner will you find
me reluctant to answer. Is this what you wish, to offer a challenge?"
It was right then that I discovered how satisfying-and amusing-it can be to
have a certain someone take care of certain annoyances for you. Kel-Ten's mind
darted to Tammad's, took one good look, then flinched back in a hurry. At that
point in time Kel-Ten was slightly stronger than the barbarian, but only
because he had trained and practiced so long. He had no trouble recognizing a
mind that had the potential of being much stronger, and wanted nothing to do
with a mind like that-or the sword worn by the body surrounding the mind. When
he shook his head, Tammad let him go with a small push, sending him back to
sprawl again on the couch where he'd been sitting.

"Outworlders are clearly more than foolish," the w'wenda standing to my right
said to Kel-Ten, grinning faintly at the way he rubbed at his throat. "Think
you our Chama is unprotected in matters not concerning the power? Such is the
purpose of the l'lenda who bands her, to see to her safety at times her
w'wendaa cannot. To her go the duties of the mind, to him the duty of the
sword. To protect one of such importance is a duty fit only for the best of
the best, which we have learned this l'lenda is. You, too, I think, have now
learned the same."

The look Kel-Ten shot Tammad was not one of awed respect, but I barely noticed
that in the midst of thepleasurepride-flattered happiness-that was coming in
waves from the man standing beside me. I didn't quite understand what that
meant, so once we had left the lounge I decided to find out.

"Have you given up your plans to be denday of dendayy?" I asked, trying not to
dread the answer. "You seemed to be so pleased with what that w'wenda said
about you, but I thought . . . "

"Hama, I have not given over my ambitions," he said with a smile, sending me
reassurance. "My people now no longer need protection from those who would use
them badly, yet is there still the matter of adjustment to consider. They will
require guidance and assistance, aid I mean to see they have."

"But the woman spoke of you as nothing but my protector," I said as we moved
along the hall, more confused than ever. "If you still have plans to be much
more than that, why weren't you insulted?"

"I felt no insult for the reason that I, too, consider the matter of your
protection to be greatly important," he said, stopping us where we were so
that he could make me look up at him. "Think you there are any about who would
joy to see your life held in the hands of one with little or no skill? Such a
one is not I even should there be others, but wenda-do none in your worlds
have two tasks of great importance which they see to? Such things are not
easily done, yet are they possible of accomplishment. Do you feel 1 would seek
to shirk one or the other?"

I shook my head as I leaned against him, holding him around as he held me.
Most men, I felt, would have considered being my bodyguard a menial task,
especially if they happened to be important in their own right. That Tammad
looked at it differently-and more wonderfully-was not that much of a surprise,
but hearing him say it only reminded me that I also had something to say.

"Hamak, I have to tell you something," I whispered after a moment, really
wishing I didn't have to. "Help me find some place private where we can talk."

He smoothed my hair as he looked down at me, concern in his mind as well   as
his eyes, but he didn't argue. It took us a while to find a small lounge   that
wasn't being used for something else, but once we did we closed the door   and
sat down on a couch to hold each other around. I didn't know if he could   feel
the fear in me, but before it turned me speechless I started the story of the
child that had been ours. By the time I was through I was crying, my shield
closed tight to keep his reactions from me, the reactions I was very much
afraid would be hatred and disgust. He held me tight to his chest as he
stroked my hair, his silence more painful than what had been done to me in the
complex, and then he sighed.

"Hama, this tale you tell distresses me greatly," he said, very little life
left in his voice. "I had not understood the reason for your own distress over
my not having told you of my intentions to reclaim you from your embassy, yet
is my understanding now more than clear. A man who wishes the child he has
planted retains the wenda who carries it. To send her from him, most
especially with no other there to band her, is to say he wishes naught of the
child. I had not known I -had put such agony on you, and nearly do I lack the
courage to once more ask your forgiveness."

"My forgiveness?" I blurted, raising my head to look at him. "But the child
was yours, and I never even told you about it! If you'd known you probably
would have told me what you were doing, and all this grief could have been
avoided."

"And yet, I did not then look upon you as I do now," he said, raising one hand
to stroke my face. "Then you were beloved yet no more than a wenda, and no
l'lenda has need of sharing his intentions with one such as that. This tragedy
was given life in the same manner a child is-by the combined doings of two.
Perhaps best would be that we share the burden, and in such a manner lighten
it each for the other. You say you have already taken the lives of those
responsible for our loss?"

"Some of them," I answered, opening my shield to find that he was grieving
rather than blaming. "There are others also responsible, and if they survive
the attack on their headquarters on Central, I think we ought to pay them a
visit.

"L'lenda wenda, " he said with a faint smile, taking my face in both of his
hands. "Indeed are you changed from the woman I knew, changed in a manner I
had not thought would please me. No longer do you accuse me of all manner of
odd doings, no longer do you seek to disobey me in all things, no longer do
you deny the love you feel. And I, I am fully as changed as you, for no longer
do I feel your obedience necessary to my happiness, and no longer do I wish to
discount what council you give me as foolishness. Much pain did we both need
to suffer to accomplish these ends, yet have we finally and in truth
accomplished them."

He lowered his head and kissed me then, knowing I wanted him to, but I
discovered he'd made more progress in reading emotions than I'd thought. The
kiss only continued for a minute or two, and then he raised his head.

"Something continues to disturb you," he said, trying to look at me with his
mind as well as his eyes. "I feel the presence of the disturbance, yet am I
unable to reach its cause. Will you speak of the matter to me?"

"I don't think I should," I answered, leaning forward to put my cheek against
his chest. "That last time I mentioned this problem to you you refused to
listen, which made me do some things to force you to go along, which
eventually got me spanked. I don't care for the idea of getting spanked
again."

"Hama, you cannot mean that you continue to feel we must part!" he protested,
more confused than angry. "After all we have faced, both together and apart,
how are you able to believe such a thing?"

"Do you think the choice is mine?" I asked in turn, raising my head to look at
him. "You may be a heartless, overgrown barbarian who spanks the woman foolish
enough to love him, but that's a habit that can be broken and there are plenty
of men around with worse faults. I don't want to believe what I'm feeling, but
preferences don't seem to matter."

"I cannot see how such a thing may be," he said with a shake of his head,
anger and frustration finally getting a grip on him. "Who is there about
capable of taking you from me? Who might there possibly be to lure me from
your side?"

"I think you're sounding a little too interested in that second question," I
said, narrowing my eyes at him. "Maybe what I'm being told is that I'll catch
you fooling around with another woman, and because of that I'll drop a
building on your head."

"Such jealousy does not become you, hama," he said with a grin, really
enjoying the way I was feeling. "Each time you imagine me of interest to
another, you speak of doing me harm. I, however, in greater generosity, speak
only of doing harm to he who might take you from me. Clearly are l'lendaa
possessed of more generous natures than wendaa. "

"Oh, sure they are," I said with a very slow nod. "Their natures are so
generous, they feel it's their duty to share themselves with every female who
walks, staggers or crawls past them. Unfair as it undoubtedly is, people with
natures like, that do sometimes come to a bad end. '

"There is but one end I currently find of interest, hama sadendra," he said,
his grin still there as he pulled me down flat on the couch with him. "Try
though I might, I cannot envision any other end ever taking my fancy as does
the one I possess. Though duty may call me a thousand times, ever shall I
return to the end which is mine."

"How many times?" I demanded in a growl, raising my hands to bury my fists in
his hair. "If nature doesn't kill you, duty has a damned good second shot at
it!"

He laughed aloud then held me still for his kiss, and it wasn't long before I
was rushing to get out of the brown uniform. We'd teased each other about
jealousy and then made very strenuous love, but that doesn't mean we erased
the cloud of the child wed lost-or forgot the probability that wed never have
the chance to make one to replace it.

The day after the attack was calmer than the previous night had been, and I
spent the morning working with some of the community's people trying to get
through the conditioning of the female Primes. It was a job very much like
pulling out teeth using nothing but fingers; we knew what we wanted to do, but
couldn't seem to get a good enough grip to accomplish it.

While I was occupied with frustration, Tammad and a large number of our
fighters went to sort out the mess in the smaller building that was a short
distance from the main complex. A couple of crash teams had entered it at the
same time different ones had entered the main complex, but all they did then
was disable every mechanical system in the place except for what was labeled
life-support. Most of the personnel in that building had been locked in their
apartments or rooms for the night, and were going to be tackled one or two at
a time. I would have preferred going along with Tammad, but the stubborn beast
decided I couldn't and that was that. With the only fighting likely to occur
being physical in nature he did have a point, but point or not I didn't like
it.

He and most of the others were back by lunchtime looking very little the worse
for wear, so he and I found Rissim and Irin, and we four Vent back to racking
our brains while we ate. Our little group had done the same the night before,
but we were coming up with so much nothing you would have thought we were a
full committee. 1 knew I would never belong to Tammad but I didn't know why,
and none of us could come up with a reason for it-or a suggestion as to how it
might be avoided.

We had just reached the point of agreeing that what was causing my conviction
might very well be that Tammad and I were destined to die of frustration-with
Irin and Rissim joining us-when one of the expedition people came to
interrupt. Murdock sent his compliments, and asked that I join him for a short
while to discuss something important. I couldn't remember ever receiving
someone's compliments before and was tempted to return my criticisms along
with my agreement, but I was the only one who considered the situation
amusing. Irin immediately decided he was about to send me off somewhere
again-the hidden reason behind my' feeling we hadn't known about before-and
promptly stood up with the very clear intention of committing murder. Rissim
also stood, mainly with the intention of keeping her from doing anything
foolish, but part of him was sharing her urge toward violence if it turned out
her guess was right. Tammad made it a threesome when he got to his feet, and
it wasn't even necessary to touch his mind; the way he stood very straight but
loose, as though he might need to draw his sword at any minute, the lack of
all expression on his face, the cold, distant look in his eyes . . .

I sighed before I got up, but sighing didn't accomplish anything at all. I
still had three grim silences following me as I followed Murdock's messenger,
giving me the feeling I was casting a triple shadow.

The room we were led to was in the executive wing, a large, poshly decorated
setup meant for party-meetings rather than just meetings, and Murdock turned
out not to be alone. Ashton was there and so was Lamdon, and with them was the
woman from the group who investigated mental abilities. Our guide led us in
then left after closing the door, and Murdock showed one of his wintry smiles.

"I hadn't expected you to have an escort, Terrilian," he said from the chair
he sat in, his mind more amused than his expression showed. "I'm somewhat
surprised there are no w'wendaa as well."

"If it's a w'wenda you want, I may soon oblige you, brother," Irin said,
stepping forward to stand beside me. "What is it that you want from her this
time?"

"He doesn't necessarily want something from her, Irin," Ashton put in from her
chair to Murdock's right, obviously trying to soothe her sister. "You three
look like we intend dismantling her to find out where her power comes from.
Has any of you any idea how much strength that would take?"

"I do," I said, trying to keep it light. "Especially after the meal I just
had. I must be fueled for a month, not to speak of against all comers."

"Why don't all of you sit down," Murdock suggested, nodding toward the half
circle of empty chairs facing the four already occupied. "You all know Lamdon
and Kaila and they know you, so what need is there for us to act like a group
of strangers?"

"At the moment there's no need," Irin said, not conceding an inch of ground.
"If that happens to change, you'll be the first to know."

She headed herself to the chair to the left of the one I was taking, but she
and I were the only ones who sat. I didn't have to turn around to know Tammad
and Rissim had stationed themselves behind my chair, and the small, satisified
smile on Irin's face said she knew it, too. Three of the four people sitting
opposite us were clearly dying to ask what was going on, but the show was
Murdock's and he was more interested in getting on with it.

"Terrilian, I asked you to come here so that you might be told a number of
things," he said, "and one of the items should be of interest to Irin as well.
I would like to begin by informing you that our strike at Rathmore Hellman and
his people was just as successful as our enterprise here. An interim deputy
now holds his chair, one of our people, I might add, and very soon there will
be places for many of ours in the government. We mean to see that those of our
blood are never captured and used again."

"She doesn't want to go back to Central, and she doesn't want to work in your
government," lrin said flatly, staring at Murdock. "What she wants is to stay
on Rimilia. "

"A gratifying decision, inasmuch as Rimilia is where she will be most needed,"
Murdock replied politely, almost distracted enough to be puzzled. "We mean to
build a relocation center there, to house those of our nonassociated brothers
and sisters who wish to join us, as well as the current residents of creches.
From now on we will train our own blood, without the conditioning which makes
tools of them."

"And don't forget about the retraining of the residents of this building and
its basement hideaway," Ashton said, for a moment sounding bone-deep weary. "I
think we'd all better plan on living very long lives."

"Each problem will be seen to in its own time," Murdock said, sounding
serenely confident. "With the help of the Rimilians themselves, we'll build
something worth being a part of. But we also have an additional goal now, and
I yield the floor to Kaila so that she may tell you what she so recently told
me."

"Our group has done some investigating, questioning, guessing and concluding,
and I'm wondering where to start," Kaila said, smiling at me as she shifted in
her chair. "I don't know if anyone's told you, Terry, but our community was
established on Rimilia because one of us at the time discovered that a number
of Rimilians had mind abilities very like our own. Not only were we able to
hide on the planet, we were also able to bring in strong new blood to add to
ours. At the very beginning males were needed for the high percentage of
females born, and when some of our girls got old enough they went out with
1'lendaa to protect them and looked for men to take back as mates. Quite a lot
of them were dark-haired and greeneyed, and that's why those traits are so
highly prized among Rimilians even today."

"Indeed," Rissim said, drawing a flash of amusement from Lamdon. "What l'lenda
would fail to prize a woman with the power, to have in his furs if for naught
else. "

"There are additional considerations, of course," Tammad said in agreement,
"yet would that point alone be sufficient."

"Yes," Kaila said after clearing her throat, knowing they were teasing her,
but also knowing better than to continue on with the subject. "We were rather
upset, to say the least, when we learned Rathmore Heilman's group meant to use
the planet, but there was nothing we dared do to stop it. It wasn't beyond
Rathmore to cause an `accident' that would decimate the population of the
world if he didn't get the cooperation he wanted. Murdock will tell you more
about that in a little while, so I'll just skip to what happened with you and
your abilities, Terry. '

I nodded as I dialed the chair for a glass of wine, wondering if I would like
what I was about to hear. I knew what had happened to me better than she did,
but she seemed to be looking at the scenes with more information than I had.

"You started out with nothing more in the way of ability than any other Prime,
but that soon changed," Kaila said to me, her smile still warm and friendly.
"Thanks to Murdock's planning you were allowed to remain awake when you first
returned from Rimilia, and his theorythat our people didn't develop in their
talents because of being unawakened most of the time-was proven almost
immediately. According to your own account you began discovering the
possibility of a shield as far back as your assignment on Alderan, which was
really the beginning of it."

"A beginning fraught with disturbance for one who knew not what was
occurring," Lamdon said, empathy flowing from his mind to mine. "Another might
well have retreated from that unknown; your courage does you credit, girl."

"After that you progressed slowly, until the time of your struggle in the
resting place of the Sword," Kaila went on, giving me no chance to correct
Lamdon. I didn't have courage; all I had was stubbornness. "You were given
quite a lot of pain because of the storms raging at the time, storms you'd
never grown used to because you weren't raised on Rililia."

"You know, 1 never thought of that," I said slowly, ignoring the glass of wine
my chair had produced for me. "If you people live in that area all the time,
those storms must make your lives absolute hell. How can any of you stand it?"

"After the first few, the storms never bother us," Kaila answered, her voice
soft and her eyes alive with the sense of imparting something important.
"Terry, those of us born in the valley develop a shield during our first storm
season. The shield is like the one you developed after your battle, the sort
you call impenetrable. Those of us who are raised off-planet are-suggested out
of using the shield until we're adults, and can judge the times to use it
without detection. Those who grow up on the planet use it constantly,
especially during storm season, and none of us ever develop that light shield
you told us about. You proved we're capable of developing it by teaching Len
how to form one, but none of us ever do. If Len hadn't had us make him forget
about his heavier shield when he knew he'd be working with you, we might have
thought you were unique."

"But-I don't understand," I said, shaking my head at her. "What can shielding
have to do with anything? A shield stops you from using your abilities."

"It does more than that," she said, dialing her own chair for refreshment.
"You gave us so many of the answers, I'm surprised we took so long. Look,
let's start from another side. Do you remember what you said about how you
called up your curtain? You said you had to feel a need for it, and then it
was there. Quite a lot of what you developed came about because of need, and
not necessarily to save you from danger or hurt. Once the change had started
you simply had to feel a need for something, and if it was possible for you to
do, you did it. Need is the key for developing talents, not pain but need. "

"But that's good news," I said, still not quite understanding. "I'm delighted
to hear none of you have to go through what I did, but I still don't
understand what any of this has to do with shielding."

"We think we may have run across a principle similar to that governing
speech," she said, sipping at her kimla while keeping her eyes on me. "If a
child doesn't learn to talk by a certain age, it never learns. It's possible
that the development of alight shield is a necessary step in progressing
further with our abilities, and that may be why we're stopped where we are. We
never go through the light shield phase, and because of the presence of our
heavy shields we rarely feel the need for more. Those two factors together, we
believe, have kept us from doing what you did."

"Then none of you can move up to where I am?" I asked, reaching for the wine I
hadn't touched earlier. I was beginning to feel alone again, and this time
really didn't want to.

"We won't be sure until we try, but we have cause for hope," she answered,
this time joining Lamdon in sending me reassurance. "The fact that Len was
able to develop that light shield has turned us ecstatic, because when some of
us tried we were able to do the same thing. What we'll have to do is force
ourselves to give up our heavy shields, then start all over from the beginning
using the key you gave us. If we're successful the heavy shields will develop
again when we need them, and by then they won't be the equivalent of cloth
wrapped around our feet in childhood. "

Every female in the room must have flinched at that comment, referring to a
former practice of one small segment of the style-conscious population of
Alderan. For a few years some of the women had been binding the feet of their
girl children in an effort to give them "delightfully dainty" feet, having no
idea what they were really doing until those children began growing.

"And, of course, wed like your help when we start the experiments," Kaila
said, her sense of optimism strong and real. "Not only did you give us the key
we were looking for, but you've also opened our eyes to something we should
have seen long ago. Would have seen, too, if we weren't still basing our
beliefs on the nonsense put out by those idiots on Central. Terry, would you
like to tell me what we of the blood are?"

"Why-we're empaths," I answered, immediately trying to figure out what she was
talking about this time. "We're a bunch of human beings born with the
empathetic ability."

"Something we've always been told and can even prove," she said with a nod,
the cup of kimla at her lips doing nothing to hide her amusement. "Now tell me
this: what does healing, and precognition, and telekinesis and-something we
haven't even named yet that increases a person's thinking and planning
ability-got to do with empathy? You can 8o all the rest of that, you know.
Ashton saw you doing some of it. The balance you told us about yourself."

"When did I ever increase anyone's thinking and planning ability?" I demanded,
then took a good swallow of the wine I held. With my head spinning the way it
was, those were the only two things I could think of doing.

"Ashton saw you doing it with our strategy and tactics people," Kaila said
gently, throttling back her amusement. "They were having all sorts of problems
with details until you got there, and then everything began clearing away like
magic. Our approach to the complex, the number and size of the transports we
needed, who would command where, how the complex residents were to be
handled-one thing after another just fell into place, letting us move faster
and more efficiently than any of us thought we could. All because you were in
a hurry to get the attack going and needed it done."
"Just like you needed the attack on the Chama's palace in Vediaster," Ashton
put in, her own amusement more evident. "When we were there, I heard someone
mention how well their planning had gone with you there. And in case you were
about to ask, that block you removed from Leelan was very fine telekinesis. No
need to look so surprised. If you think back, I'm sure you'll come across some
other instances when you did the same things without knowing it."

I wasn't surprised; I was stunned, but being stunned didn't stop me from
remembering more than one odd incident-the conversations I'd had with Garth,
the unexplained insight Dallan kept showing-hell, I could even remember
getting answers I needed from my own reflection in a goblet! It was all very
unsettling, but Kaila ignored my state of mind as she leaned forward with a
smile.

"You've proven to us that all the talents we've been considering odd residuals
are just part of the whole picture," she said, and again her voice was gentle
but firm with conviction. "Empathy isn't all there is to it, it's just the
first thing we can do, the crawling that comes before the ability to walk.
Even if it turns out that we can't go back and start over, our children and
children's children won't have that problem."

"And also must we investigate more closely the differences between Centran and
Rimilian abilities," Lamdon put in, looking very pleased. "We who are part of
the community have learned Centran ways, doing naught with that which was
given us by our own. Your memabrak has been forced to finding his own way
about much as were you, wenda, with results somewhat different from what has
been considered the norm. His efforts were, of course, necessitated by your
presence, therefore must we thank you for this as well."

Tammad's hand came to my shoulder and squeezed gently, a gesture of approval
and agreement according to his thoughts. Everyone seemed to be looking at me
with the same sort of reaction, which was an odd incident all by itself. The
reaction I evoked in people wasn't usually approval, and I didn't know how
wise I would be getting used to it.

"And now would seem to be the time to point out the reason for all these
happenings," Murdock said, shifting just a very small amount in his chair. "A
Prime was needed to do the job Rathmore Heilman wanted done, and that's why
Terrilian was sent with Tammad to Rimilia. That single decision was meant only
to save Rimilia and yet it precipitated events which caused all the rest,
Rathmore's downfall included. For many years I've sought the reason for my
having had to bring very great pain to my own flesh and blood, and most of
that reason was just given you. The final point is that now we have the
opportunity of righting the wrongs done by those who were our enemy, of
establishing a government capable of feeling the needs of the people it
governs, not simply assuming what we believe those needs should be. For this,
also, we have Terrilian to thank, and Irin and Rissim as well, for the
sacrifice they made. There was indeed a reason, and now we know it in full. "

To say Murdock glowed would not be completely accurate, but his mind was
certainly lighter and brighter than I'd ever before seen it. Irin was staring
at him in an effort to maintain stubborn anger, but the anger was dissolving
too fast for her to keep it together. If everything they'd said turned out to
be true, our forced separation would bring benefit to uncounted numbers of
people. Since we weren't missing knowing each other entirely, there was a lot
of room for forgiveness.

"Well, that seems to settle most of it," I said, standing up as Ashton, Kaila
and Lamdon did the same. "Now maybe we can get back to kicking around a
problem that isn't quite planetary in scale."

"What problem?" Ashton asked while Tammad came over to put his arm around me.
"Come to think of it, you four have been spending an awful lot of time with
your heads together. For a while Murdock and I were afraid you were planning a
revolution of your own."

"We're not really into revolution," I said with a headshake, wondering if
Ashton was capable of being serious for longer than fifteen minutes at a
stretch. "And what we have come up with is so meager, I can't say I think much
of that planning-enhancer ability you claim I have. With all the skull-sweat
we've put into it, we should have had an answer by now."

"Maybe you four aren't capable of coming up with an answer," Kaila said, her
wrinkle-browed expression showing she wasn't trying to be insulting. "Possibly
the person you enhance has to have the ability to do the answering to begin
with. If it's a technical problem, you may not have that sort of expertise
among you."

"In a manner of speaking, our difficulty is precisely that," Tammad put in,
his thoughts pleasantly surprised. "The woman is possessed of a conviction,
one we have thus far found no basis for, yet is there no doubt within her
concerning its veracity. Should we be unable to resolve it, all we have
attained will be meaningless for us."

"Then let's get Murdock working on it," Ashton said, immediately turning brisk
and efficient. "I've been watching him develop convictions for years, so he's
the expert you need."

"What's this?" Murdock asked as we turned to him, Irin and Rissim coming over
to join us. "What is it I'm needed for?"

"Murdock, Terry is sure something is going to keep her and Tammad from being
together," Irin blurted, looking at her brother anxiously. "She doesn't know
what, but the feeling is so strong she can't simply forget about it. What are
they going to do?"

"I get nothing of the same myself," Murdock answered with a frown, his stare
unfocused, and then he was silent for a moment before asking, "Is that
precisely the conviction you have, Terrilian? That you and Tammad will not be
together?"

"Just about," I admitted, more disappointed at his lack of immediate help than
was rational or reasonable. "Not long ago it came to me that I would never
belong to him, and the feeling refuses to go away."

Murdock shook his head helplessly, frustration strong in him, which made my
disappointment even stronger. I was just about ready to suggest we simply give
up, when suddenly Ashton began laughing. She was so truly and completely
amused that all we could do was stare at her, and finally she noticed the
silence and shook her head.

"What were you saying about your `so-called' talent?" she asked me, still
chuckling and enjoying herself. "I don't think I ever got an answer this fast
in my entire life, not even after all the experience I've had with Murdock. "

"What are you talking about?" Irin asked her in annoyance, starting to get
angry. "Terry's life is about to fall apart and you think it's funny?"

" `Interpretation is the key to precognition,' " Ashton answered as though she
were quoting, giving her sister a grin. "She said she would never belong to
him, which is completely Rimilian and absolutely true. The conviction isn't
telling her she won't stay with him, it's saying she won't belong to him. To
Rimilian men women are belongings, but I saw myself that Tammad now thinks of
her more as a companion adventurer. She'll never be his belonging again, but
that doesn't mean they won't belong to each other."

I turned to look up at Tammad in shock, and when he felt in my mind that
Ashton was absolutely right he let out a whoop of delight and reached down to
lift me off my feet. He danced me around the room for a minute, laughing as
hard as I was while I squeezed my arms tight around his neck, and then he
stopped so he might kiss me. Together we made it a very long kiss, and when it
was finally over we looked at each other.

"My happiness is now complete," he said, still touching my lips with his. "The
woman I have desired so long is now forever mine."

"Only because you're also hers," I reminded him with a grin, holding his broad
face between my hands. "Now we have all the time we need, and I'm going to use
that time to good purpose. Of course, you'll have to do your part if it's to
work. It takes two to make children, you know. "

His grin widened as his eyes began to shine, and then he kissed me again with
a silent vow that he would make all the children in the world if I wanted
them.

Beloved barbarian. He did.