EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS

or,

PRIVATE ABUSES, PUBLIC GRIEVANCES:

EXEMPLIFIED

In the Pride, Insolence, and exorbitant Wages of our Women,

Servants, Footmen, &c.



by Daniel Defoe









WITH



A Proposal for Amendment of the same; as also for clearing the

Streets of those Vermin called Shoe-Cleaners, and substituting in

their stead many Thousands of industrious Poor, now ready to

starve.  With divers other Hints of great Use to the Public.



Humbly submitted the Consideration of our Legislature, and the

careful Perusal of all Masters and Mistresses of Families.



BY ANDREW MORETON, Esq.



The Fifth Edition, with the Addition of a Preface.









THE PREFACE







Since this little book appeared in print, it has had no less than

three answers, and fresh attacks are daily expected from the powers

of Grub-street; but should threescore antagonists more arise,

unless they say more to the purpose than the forementioned, they

shall not tempt me to reply.



Nor shall I engage in a paper war, but leave my book to answer for

itself, having advanced nothing therein but evident truths, and

incontestible matters of fact.



The general objection is against my style; I do not set up for an

author, but write only to be understood, no matter how plain.



As my intentions are good, so have they had the good fortune to

meet with approbation from the sober and substantial part of

mankind; as for the vicious and vagabond, their ill-will is my

ambition.



It is with uncommon satisfaction I see the magistracy begin to put

the laws against vagabonds in force with the utmost vigour, a great

many of those vermin, the japanners, having lately been taken up

and sent to the several work-houses in and about this city; and

indeed high time, for they grow every day more and more pernicious.



My project for putting watchmen under commissioners, will, I hope,

be put in practice; for it is scarce safe to go by water unless you

know your man.



As for the maid-servants, if I undervalue myself to take notice of

them, as they are pleased to say, it is because they overvalue

themselves so much they ought to be taken notice of.



This makes the guilty take my subject by the wrong end, but any

impartial reader may find, I write not against servants, but bad

servants; not against wages, but exorbitant wages, and am entirely

of the poet's opinion,





The good should meet with favour and applause,

The wicked be restrain'd by wholesome laws.





The reason why I did not publish this book till the end of the last

sessions of parliament was, because I did not care to interfere

with more momentous affairs; but leave it to the consideration of

that august body during this recess, against the next sessions,

when I shall exhibit another complaint against a growing abuse, for

which I doubt not but to receive their approbation and the thanks

of all honest men.









EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS IS NOBODY'S BUSINESS



by Daniel Defoe









This is a proverb so common in everybody's mouth, that I wonder

nobody has yet thought it worth while to draw proper inferences

from it, and expose those little abuses, which, though they seem

trifling, and as it were scarce worth consideration, yet, by

insensible degrees, they may become of injurious consequence to the

public; like some diseases, whose first symptoms are only trifling

disorders, but by continuance and progression, their last periods

terminate in the destruction of the whole human fabric.



In contradiction therefore to this general rule, and out of sincere

love and well meaning to the public, give me leave to enumerate the

abuses insensibly crept in among us, and the inconveniences daily

arising from the insolence and intrigues of our servant-wenches,

who, by their caballing together, have made their party so

considerable, that everybody cries out against them; and yet, to

verify the proverb, nobody has thought of, or at least proposed a

remedy, although such an undertaking, mean as it seems to be, I

hope will one day be thought worthy the consideration of our king,

lords, and commons.



Women servants are now so scarce, that from thirty and forty

shillings a year, their wages are increased of late to six, seven,

nay, eight pounds per annum, and upwards; insomuch that an ordinary

tradesman cannot well keep one; but his wife, who might be useful

in his shop or business, must do the drudgery of household affairs;

and all this because our servant-wenches are so puffed up with

pride nowadays, that they never think they go fine enough:  it is a

hard matter to know the mistress from the maid by their dress; nay,

very often the maid shall be much the finer of the two.  Our

woollen manufacture suffers much by this, for nothing but silks and

satins will go down with our kitchen-wenches; to support which

intolerable pride, they have insensibly raised their wages to such

a height as was never known in any age or nation but this.



Let us trace this from the beginning, and suppose a person has a

servant-maid sent him out of the country, at fifty shillings, or

three pounds a year.  The girl has scarce been a week, nay, a day

in her service, but a committee of servant-wenches are appointed to

examine her, who advise her to raise her wages, or give warning; to

encourage her to which, the herb-woman, or chandler-woman, or some

other old intelligencer, provides her a place of four or five

pounds a year; this sets madam cock-a-hoop, and she thinks of

nothing now but vails and high wages, and so gives warning from

place to place, till she has got her wages up to the tip-top.



Her neat's leathern shoes are now transformed into laced ones with

high heels; her yarn stockings are turned into fine woollen ones,

with silk clocks; and her high wooden pattens are kicked away for

leathern clogs; she must have a hoop too, as well as her mistress;

and her poor scanty linsey-woolsey petticoat is changed into a good

silk one, for four or five yards wide at the least.  Not to carry

the description farther, in short, plain country Joan is now turned

into a fine London madam, can drink tea, take snuff, and carry

herself as high as the best.



If she be tolerably handsome, and has any share of cunning, the

apprentice or her master's son is enticed away and ruined by her.

Thus many good families are impoverished and disgraced by these

pert sluts, who, taking the advantage of a young man's simplicity

and unruly desires, draw many heedless youths, nay, some of good

estates, into their snares; and of this we have but too many

instances.



Some more artful shall conceal their condition, and palm themselves

off on young fellows for gentlewomen and great fortunes.  How many

families have been ruined by these ladies? when the father or

master of the family, preferring the flirting airs of a young

prinked up strumpet, to the artless sincerity of a plain, grave,

and good wife, has given his desires aloose, and destroyed soul,

body, family, and estate.  But they are very favourable if they

wheedle nobody into matrimony, but only make a present of a small

live creature, no bigger than a bastard, to some of the family, no

matter who gets it; when a child is born it must be kept.



Our sessions' papers of late are crowded with instances of servant-

maids robbing their places, this can be only attributed to their

devilish pride; for their whole inquiry nowadays is, how little

they shall do, how much they shall have.



But all this while they make so little reserve, that if they fall

sick the parish must keep them, if they are out of place, they must

prostitute their bodies, or starve; so that from clopping and

changing, they generally proceed to whoring and thieving, and this

is the reason why our streets swarm with strumpets.



Thus many of them rove from place to place, from bawdy-house to

service, and from service to bawdy-house again, ever unsettled and

never easy, nothing being more common than to find these creatures

one week in a good family, and the next in a brothel.  This

amphibious life makes them fit for neither, for if the bawd uses

them ill, away they trip to service, and if the mistress gives them

a wry word, whip they are at a bawdy-house again, so that in effect

they neither make good whores nor good servants.



Those who are not thus slippery in the tail, are light of finger;

and of these the most pernicious are those who beggar you inchmeal.

If a maid is a downright thief she strips you, it once, and you

know your loss; but these retail pilferers waste you insensibly,

and though you hardly miss it, yet your substance shall decay to

such a degree, that you must have a very good bottom indeed not to

feel the ill effects of such moths in your family.



Tea, sugar, wine, &c., or any such trifling commodities, are

reckoned no thefts, if they do not directly take your pewter from

your shelf, or your linen from your drawers, they are very honest:

What harm is there, say they, in cribbing a little matter for a

junket, a merry bout or so?  Nay, there are those that when they

are sent to market for one joint of meat, shall take up two on

their master's account, and leave one by the way, for some of these

maids are mighty charitable, and can make a shift to maintain a

small family with what they can purloin from their masters and

mistresses.



If you send them with ready money, they turn factors, and take

threepence or fourpence in the shilling brokerage.  And here let me

take notice of one very heinous abuse, not to say petty felony,

which is practised in most of the great families about town, which

is, when the tradesman gives the house-keeper or other commanding

servant a penny or twopence in the shilling, or so much in the

pound, for everything they send in, and which, from thence, is

called poundage.



This, in my opinion, is the greatest of villanies, and ought to

incur some punishment, yet nothing is more common, and our topping

tradesmen, who seem otherwise to stand mightily on their credit,

make this but a matter of course and custom.  If I do not, says

one, another will (for the servant is sure to pick a hole in the

person's coat who shall not pay contribution).  Thus this wicked

practice is carried on and winked at, while receiving of stolen

goods, and confederating with felons, which is not a jot worse, is

so openly cried out against, and severely punished, witness

Jonathan Wild.



And yet if a master or mistress inquire after anything missing,

they must be sure to place their words in due form, or madam huffs

and flings about at a strange rate, What, would you make a thief of

her?  Who would live with such mistrustful folks?  Thus you are

obliged to hold your tongue, and sit down quietly by your loss, for

fear of offending your maid, forsooth!



Again, if your maid shall maintain one, two, or more persons from

your table, whether they are her poor relations, countryfolk,

servants out of place, shoe-cleaners, charwomen, porters, or any

other of her menial servants, who do her ladyship's drudgery and go

of her errands, you must not complain at your expense, or ask what

has become of such a thing, or such a thing; although it might

never so reasonably be supposed that it was altogether impossible

to have so much expended in your family; but hold your tongue for

peace sake, or madam will say, You grudge her victuals; and expose

you to the last degree all over the neighbourhood.



Thus have they a salve for every sore, cheat you to your face, and

insult you into the bargain; nor can you help yourself without

exposing yourself, or putting yourself into a passion.



Another great abuse crept in among us, is the giving of veils to

servants; this was intended originally as an encouragement to such

as were willing and handy, but by custom and corruption it is now

grown to be a thorn in our sides, and, like other good things,

abused, does more harm than good; for now they make it a

perquisite, a material part of their wages, nor must their master

give a supper, but the maid expects the guests should pay for it,

nay, sometimes through the nose.  Thus have they spirited people up

to this unnecessary and burthensome piece of generosity unknown to

our forefathers, who only gave gifts to servants at Christmas-tide,

which custom is yet kept into the bargain; insomuch that a maid

shall have eight pounds per annum in a gentleman's or merchant's

family.  And if her master is a man of free spirit, who receives

much company, she very often doubles her wages by her veils; thus

having meat, drink, washing, and lodging for her labour, she throws

her whole income upon her back, and by this means looks more like

the mistress of the family than the servant-wench.



And now we have mentioned washing, I would ask some good

housewifely gentlewoman, if servant-maids wearing printed linens,

cottons, and other things of that nature, which require frequent

washing, do not, by enhancing the article of soap, add more to

housekeeping than the generality of people would imagine?  And yet

these wretches cry out against great washes, when their own

unnecessary dabs are very often the occasion.



But the greatest abuse of all is, that these creatures are become

their own lawgivers; nay, I think they are ours too, though nobody

would imagine that such a set of slatterns should bamboozle a whole

nation; but it is neither better nor worse, they hire themselves to

you by their own rule.



That is, a month's wages, or a month's warning; if they don't like

you they will go away the next day, help yourself how you can; if

you don't like them, you must give them a month's wages to get rid

of them.



This custom of warning, as practised by our maid-servants, is now

become a great inconvenience to masters and mistresses.  You must

carry your dish very upright, or miss, forsooth, gives you warning,

and you are either left destitute, or to seek for a servant; so

that, generally speaking, you are seldom or never fixed, but always

at the mercy of every new comer to divulge your family affairs, to

inspect your private life, and treasure up the sayings of yourself

and friends.  A very great confinement, and much complained of in

most families.



Thus have these wenches, by their continual plotting and cabals,

united themselves into a formidable body, and got the whip hand of

their betters; they make their own terms with us; and two servants

now, will scarce undertake the work which one might perform with

ease; notwithstanding which, they have raised their wages to a most

exorbitant pitch; and, I doubt not, if there be not a stop put to

their career, but they will bring wages up to 201. per annum in

time, for they are much about half way already.



It is by these means they run away with a great part of our money,

which might be better employed in trade, and what is worse, by

their insolent behaviour, their pride in dress, and their

exorbitant wages, they give birth to the following inconveniences.



First, They set an ill example to our children, our apprentices,

our covenant servants, and other dependants, by their saucy and

insolent behaviour, their pert, and sometimes abusive answers,

their daring defiance of correction, and many other insolences

which youth are but too apt to imitate.



Secondly, By their extravagance in dress, they put our wives and

daughters upon yet greater excesses, because they will, as indeed

they ought, go finer than the maid; thus the maid striving to outdo

the mistress, the tradesman's wife to outdo the gentleman's wife,

the gentleman's wife emulating the lady, and the ladies one

another; it seems as if the whole business of the female sex were

nothing but an excess of pride, and extravagance in dress.



Thirdly, The great height to which women-servants have brought

their wages, makes a mutiny among the men-servants, and puts them

upon raising their wages too; so that in a little time our servants

will become our partners; nay, probably, run away with the better

part of our profits, and make servants of us vice versa.  But yet

with all these inconveniences, we cannot possibly do without these

creatures; let us therefore cease to talk of the abuses arising

from them, and begin to think of redressing them.  I do not set up

for a lawgiver, and therefore shall lay down no certain rules,

humbly submitting in all things to the wisdom of our legislature.

What I offer shall be under correction; and upon conjecture, my

utmost ambition being but to give some hints to remedy this growing

evil, and leave the prosecution to abler hands.



And first it would be necessary to settle and limit their wages,

from forty and fifty shillings to four and five pounds per annum,

that is to say, according to their merits and capacities; for

example, a young unexperienced servant should have forty shillings

per annum, till she qualifies herself for a larger sum; a servant

who can do all household work, or, as the good women term it, can

take her work and leave her work, should have four pounds per

annum; and those who have lived seven years in one service, should

ever after demand five pounds per annum, for I would very fain have

some particular encouragements and privileges given to such

servants who should continue long in a place; it would incite a

desire to please, and cause an emulation very beneficial to the

public.



I have heard of an ancient charity in the parish of St. Clement's

Danes, where a sum of money, or estate, is left, out of the

interest or income of which such maid-servants, who have lived in

that parish seven years in one service, receive a reward of ten

pounds apiece, if they please to demand it.



This is a noble benefaction, and shows the public spirit of the

donor; but everybody's business is nobody's; nor have I heard that

such reward has been paid to any servant of late years.  A thousand

pities a gift of that nature should sink into oblivion, and not be

kept up as an example to incite all parishes to do the like.



The Romans had a law called Jus Trium Liberorum, by which every man

who had been a father of three children, had particular honours and

privileges.  This incited the youth to quit a dissolute single life

and become fathers of families, to the support and glory of the

empire.



In imitation of this most excellent law, I would have such

servants, who should continue many years in one service, meet with

singular esteem and reward.



The apparel of our women-servants should be next regulated, that we

may know the mistress from the maid.  I remember I was once put

very much to the blush, being at a friend's house, and by him

required to salute the ladies, I kissed the chamber-jade into the

bargain, for she was as well dressed as the best.  But I was soon

undeceived by a general titter, which gave me the utmost confusion;

nor can I believe myself the only person who has made such a

mistake.



Things of this nature would be easily avoided, if servant-maids

were to wear liveries, as our footmen do; or obliged to go in a

dress suitable to their station.  What should ail them, but a

jacket and petticoat of good yard-wide stuff, or calimanco, might

keep them decent and warm.



Our charity children are distinguished by their dress, why then may

not our women-servants? why may they not be made frugal per force,

and not suffered to put all on their backs, but obliged to save

something against a rainy day?  I am, therefore, entirely against

servants wearing of silks, laces, and other superfluous finery; it

sets them above themselves, and makes their mistresses contemptible

in their eyes.  I am handsomer than my mistress, says a young

prinked up baggage, what pity it is I should be her servant, I go

as well dressed, or better than she.  This makes the girl take the

first offer to be made a whore, and there is a good servant

spoiled; whereas, were her dress suitable to her condition, it

would teach her humility, and put her in mind of her duty.



Besides the fear of spoiling their clothes makes them afraid of

household-work; so that in a little time we shall have none but

chambermaids and nurserymaids; and of this let me give one

instance; my family is composed of myself and sister, a man and a

maid; and, being without the last, a young wench came to hire

herself.  The man was gone out, and my sister above stairs, so I

opened the door myself; and this person presented herself to my

view, dressed completely, more like a visitor than a servant-maid;

she, not knowing me, asked for my sister; pray, madam, said I, be

pleased to walk into the parlour, she shall wait on you presently.

Accordingly I handed madam in, who took it very cordially.  After

some apology, I left her alone for a minute or two; while I, stupid

wretch! ran up to my sister, and told her there was a gentlewoman

below come to visit her.  Dear brother, said she, don't leave her

alone, go down and entertain her while I dress myself.

Accordingly, down I went, and talked of indifferent affairs;

meanwhile my sister dressed herself all over again, not being

willing to be seen in an undress.  At last she came down dressed as

clean as her visitor; but how great was my surprise when I found my

fine lady a common servant-wench.



My sister understanding what she was, began to inquire what wages

she expected?  She modestly asked but eight pounds a year.  The

next question was, what work she could do to deserve such wages? to

which she answered, she could clean a house, or dress a common

family dinner.  But cannot you wash, replied my sister, or get up

linen? she answered in the negative, and said, she would undertake

neither, nor would she go into a family that did not put out their

linen to wash, and hire a charwoman to scour.  She desired to see

the house, and having carefully surveyed it, said, the work was too

hard for her, nor could she undertake it.  This put my sister

beyond all patience, and me into the greatest admiration.  Young

woman, said she, you have made a mistake, I want a housemaid, and

you are a chambermaid.  No, madam, replied she, I am not

needlewoman enough for that.  And yet you ask eight pounds a year,

replied my sister.  Yes, madam, said she, nor shall I bate a

farthing.  Then get you gone for a lazy impudent baggage, said I,

you want to be a boarder not a servant; have you a fortune or

estate that you dress at that rate?  No, sir, said she, but I hope

I may wear what I work for without offence.  What you work,

interrupted my sister, why you do not seem willing to undertake any

work; you will not wash nor scour; you cannot dress a dinner for

company; you are no needlewoman; and our little house of two rooms

on a floor, is too much for you.  For God's sake what can you do?

Madam, replied she pertly; I know my business; and do not fear a

service; there are more places than parish churches; if you wash at

home, you should have a laundrymaid; if you give entertainments,

you must have a cookmaid; if you have any needlework, you should

have a chambermaid; and such a house as this is enough for a

housemaid in all conscience.



I was pleased at the wit, and astonished at the impudence of the

girl, so dismissed her with thanks for her instructions, assuring

her that when I kept four maids she should be housemaid if she

pleased.



Were a servant to do my business with cheerfulness, I should not

grudge at five or six pounds per annum; nor would I be so

unchristian to put more upon any one than they can bear; but to

pray and pay too is the devil.  It is very hard, that I must keep

four servants or none.



In great families, indeed, where many servants are required, those

distinctions of chambermaid, housemaid, cookmaid, laundrymaid,

nurserymaid, &c., are requisite, to the end that each may take her

particular business, and many hands may make the work light; but

for a private gentleman, of a small fortune, to be obliged to keep

so many idle jades, when one might do the business, is intolerable,

and matter of great grievance.



I cannot close this discourse without a gentle admonition and

reproof to some of my own sex, I mean those gentlemen who give

themselves unnecessary airs, and cannot go to see a friend, but

they must kiss and slop the maid; and all this is done with an air

of gallantry, and must not be resented.  Nay, some gentlemen are so

silly, that they shall carry on an underhand affair with their

friend's servant-maid, to their own disgrace, and the ruin of many

a young creature.  Nothing is more base and ungenerous, yet nothing

more common, and withal so little taken notice of.  D-n me, Jack,

says one friend to another, this maid of yours is a pretty girl,

you do so and so to her, by G-d.  This makes the creature pert,

vain, and impudent, and spoils many a good servant.



What gentleman will descend to this low way of intrigue, when he

shall consider that he has a footboy or an apprentice for his

rival, and that he is seldom or never admitted, but when they have

been his tasters; and the fool of fortune, though he comes at the

latter end of the feast, yet pays the whole reckoning; and so

indeed would I have all such silly cullies served.



If I must have an intrigue, let it be with a woman that shall not

shame me.  I would never go into the kitchen, when the parlour door

was open.  We are forbidden at Highgate, to kiss the maid when we

may kiss the mistress; why then will gentlemen descend so low, by

too much familiarity with these creatures, to bring themselves into

contempt?



I have been at places where the maid has been so dizzied with these

idle compliments that she has mistook one thing for another, and

not regarded her mistress in the least; but put on all the flirting

airs imaginable.  This behaviour is nowhere so much complained of

as in taverns, coffeehouses, and places of public resort, where

there are handsome bar-keepers, &c.  These creatures being puffed

up with the fulsome flattery of a set of flesh-flies, which are

continually buzzing about them, carry themselves with the utmost

insolence imaginable; insomuch, that you must speak to them with a

great deal of deference, or you are sure to be affronted.  Being at

a coffeehouse the other day, where one of these ladies kept the

bar, I had bespoke a dish of rice tea; but madam was so taken up

with her sparks, she had quite forgot it.  I spake for it again,

and with some temper, but was answered after a most taunting

manner, not without a toss of the head, a contraction of the

nostrils, and other impertinences, too many to enumerate.  Seeing

myself thus publicly insulted by such an animal, I could not choose

but show my resentment.  Woman, said I, sternly, I want a dish of

rice tea, and not what your vanity and impudence may imagine;

therefore treat me as a gentleman and a customer, and serve me with

what I call for:  keep your impertinent repartees and impudent

behaviour for the coxcombs that swarm round your bar, and make you

so vain of your blown carcase.  And indeed I believe the insolence

of this creature will ruin her master at last, by driving away men

of sobriety and business, and making the place a den of vagabonds

and rakehells.



Gentlemen, therefore, ought to be very circumspect in their

behaviour, and not undervalue themselves to servant-wenches, who

are but too apt to treat a gentleman ill whenever he puts himself

into their power.



Let me now beg pardon for this digression, and return to my subject

by proposing some practicable methods for regulating of servants,

which, whether they are followed or not, yet, if they afford matter

of improvement and speculation, will answer the height of my

expectation, and I will be the first who shall approve of whatever

improvements are made from this small beginning.



The first abuse I would have reformed is, that servants should be

restrained from throwing themselves out of place on every idle

vagary.  This might be remedied were all contracts between master

and servant made before a justice of peace, or other proper

officer, and a memorandum thereof taken in writing.  Nor should

such servant leave his or her place (for men and maids might come

under the same regulation) till the time agreed on be expired,

unless such servant be misused or denied necessaries, or show some

other reasonable cause for their discharge.  In that case, the

master or mistress should be reprimanded or fined.  But if servants

misbehave themselves, or leave their places, not being regularly

discharged, they ought to be amerced or punished.  But all those

idle, ridiculous customs, and laws of their own making, as a

month's wages, or a month's warning, and suchlike, should be

entirely set aside and abolished.



When a servant has served the limited time duly and faithfully,

they should be entitled to a certificate, as is practised at

present in the wool-combing trade; nor should any person hire a

servant without a certificate or other proper security.  A servant

without a certificate should be deemed a vagrant; and a master or

mistress ought to assign very good reasons indeed when they object

against giving a servant his or her certificate.



And though, to avoid prolixity, I have not mentioned footmen

particularly in the foregoing discourse, yet the complaints alleged

against the maids are as well masculine as feminine, and very

applicable to our gentlemen's gentlemen; I would, therefore, have

them under the very same regulations, and, as they are fellow-

servants, would not make fish of one and flesh of the other, since

daily experience teaches us, that "never a barrel the better

herring."



The next great abuse among us is, that under the notion of cleaning

our shoes, above ten thousand wicked, idle, pilfering vagrants are

permitted to patrol about our city and suburbs.  These are called

the black-guard, who black your honour's shoes, and incorporate

themselves under the title of the Worshipful Company of Japanners.



Were this all, there were no hurt in it, and the whole might

terminate in a jest; but the mischief ends not here, they corrupt

our youth, especially our men-servants; oaths and impudence are

their only flowers of rhetoric; gaming and thieving are the

principal parts of their profession; japanning but the pretence.

For example, a gentleman keeps a servant, who among other things is

to clean his master's shoes; but our gentlemen's gentlemen are

above it nowadays, and your man's man performs the office, for

which piece of service you pay double and treble, especially if you

keep a table, nay, you are well off if the japanner has no more

than his own diet from it.



I have often observed these rascals sneaking from gentlemen's doors

with wallets or hats' full of good victuals, which they either

carry to their trulls, or sell for a trifle.  By this means, our

butcher's, our baker's, our poulterer's, and cheesemonger's bills

are monstrously exaggerated; not to mention candles just lighted,

which sell for fivepence a pound, and many other perquisites best

known to themselves and the pilfering villains their confederates.



Add to this, that their continual gaming sets servants upon their

wits to supply this extravagance, though at the same time the

master's pocket pays for it, and the time which should be spent in

a gentleman's service is loitered away among these rakehells,

insomuch that half our messages are ineffectual, the time intended

being often expired before the message is delivered.



How many frequent robberies are committed by these japanners?  And

to how many more are they confederates?  Silver spoons, spurs, and

other small pieces of plate, are every day missing, and very often

found upon these sort of gentlemen; yet are they permitted, to the

shame of all our good laws, and the scandal of our most excellent

government, to lurk about our streets, to debauch our servants and

apprentices, and support an infinite number of scandalous,

shameless trulls, yet more wicked than themselves, for not a Jack

among them but must have his Gill.



By whom such indecencies are daily acted, even in our open streets,

as are very offensive to the eyes and ears of all sober persons,

and even abominable in a Christian country.



In any riot, or other disturbance, these sparks are always the

foremost; for most among them can turn their hands to picking of

pockets, to run away with goods from a fire, or other public

confusion, to snatch anything from a woman or child, to strip a

house when the door is open, or any other branch of a thief's

profession.



In short, it is a nursery for thieves and villains; modest women

are every day insulted by them and their strumpets; and such

children who run about the streets, or those servants who go on

errands, do but too frequently bring home some scraps of their

beastly profane wit; insomuch, that the conversation of our lower

rank of people runs only upon bawdy and blasphemy, notwithstanding

our societies for reformation, and our laws in force against

profaneness; for this lazy life gets them many proselytes, their

numbers daily increasing from runaway apprentices and footboys,

insomuch that it is a very hard matter for a gentleman to get him a

servant, or for a tradesman to find an apprentice.



Innumerable other mischiefs accrue, and others will spring up from

this race of caterpillars, who must be swept from out our streets,

or we shall be overrun with all manner of wickedness.



But the subject is so low, it becomes disagreeable even to myself;

give me leave, therefore, to propose a way to clear the streets of

these vermin, and to substitute as many honest industrious persons

in their stead, who are now starving for want of bread, while these

execrable villains live, though in rags and nastiness, yet in

plenty and luxury.



I, therefore, humbly propose that these vagabonds be put

immediately under the command of such taskmasters as the government

shall appoint, and that they be employed, punished, or rewarded,

according to their capacities and demerits; that is to say, the

industrious and docible to woolcombing, and other parts of the

woollen manufacture, where hands are wanted, as also to husbandry

and other parts of agriculture.



For it is evident that there are scarce hands enow in the country

to carry on either of these affairs.  Now, these vagabonds might

not only by this means be kept out of harm's way, but be rendered

serviceable to the nation.  Nor is there any need of transporting

them beyond seas, for if any are refractory they should be sent to

our stannaries and other mines, to our coal works and other places

where hard labour is required.  And here I must offer one thing

never yet thought of, or proposed by any, and that is, the keeping

in due repair the navigation of the river Thames, so useful to our

trade in general; and yet of late years such vast hills of sand are

gathered together in several parts of the river, as are very

prejudicial to its navigation, one which is near London Bridge,

another near Whitehall, a third near Battersea, and a fourth near

Fulham.  These are of very great hindrance to the navigation; and

indeed the removal of them ought to be a national concern, which I

humbly propose may be thus effected.



The rebellious part of these vagabonds, as also other thieves and

offenders, should be formed into bodies under the command of proper

officers, and under the guard and awe of our soldiery.  These

should every day at low water carry away these sandhills, and

remove every other obstruction to the navigation of this most

excellent and useful river.



It may be objected that the ballast men might do this; that as fast

as the hills are taken away they would gather together again, or

that the watermen might do it.  To the first, I answer, that

ballast men, instead of taking away from these hills, make holes in

other places of the river, which is the reason so many young

persons are drowned when swimming or bathing in the river.



Besides, it is a work for many hands, and of long continuance; so

that ballast men do more harm than good.  The second objection is

as silly; as if I should never wash myself, because I shall be

dirty again, and I think needs no other answer.  And as to the

third objection, the watermen are not so public-spirited, they live

only from hand to mouth, though not one of them but finds the

inconvenience of these hills, every day being obliged to go a great

way round about for fear of running aground; insomuch that in a few

years the navigation of that part of the river will be entirely

obstructed.  Nevertheless, every one of these gentlemen-watermen

hopes it will last his time, and so they all cry, The devil take

the hindmost.  But yet I judge it highly necessary that this be

made a national concern, like Dagenham breach, and that these hills

be removed by some means or other.



And now I have mentioned watermen, give me leave to complain of the

insolences and exactions they daily commit on the river Thames, and

in particular this one instance, which cries aloud for justice.



A young lady of distinction, in company with her brother, a little

youth, took a pair of oars at or near the Temple, on April day

last, and ordered the men to carry them to Pepper Alley Stairs.

One of the fellows, according to their usual impertinence, asked

the lady where she was going?  She answered, near St. Olave's

church.  Upon which he said, she had better go through the bridge.

The lady replied she had never gone through the bridge in her life,

nor would she venture for a hundred guineas; so commanded him once

more to land her at Pepper Alley Stairs.  Notwithstanding which, in

spite of her fears, threats, and commands; nay, in spite of the

persuasion of his fellow, he forced her through London Bridge,

which frightened her beyond expression.  And to mend the matter, he

obliged her to pay double fare, and mobbed her into the bargain.



To resent which abuse, application was made to the hall, the fellow

summoned, and the lady ordered to attend, which she did, waiting

there all the morning, and was appointed to call again in the

afternoon.  She came accordingly, they told her the fellow had been

there, but was gone, and that she must attend another Friday.  She

attended again and again, but to the same purpose.  Nor have they

yet produced the man, but tired out the lady, who has spent above

ten shillings in coach-hire, been abused and baffled into the

bargain.



It is pity, therefore, there are not commissioners for watermen, as

there are for hackney coachmen; or that justices of the peace might

not inflict bodily penalties on watermen thus offending.  But while

watermen are watermen's judges, I shall laugh at those who carry

their complaints to the hall.



The usual plea in behalf of abusive watermen is, that they are

drunk, ignorant, or poor; but will that satisfy the party

aggrieved, or deter the offender from reoffending?  Whereas were

the offenders sent to the house of correction, and there punished,

or sentenced to work at the sandhills aforementioned, for a time

suitable to the nature of their crimes, terror of such punishments

would make them fearful of offending, to the great quiet of the

subject.



Now, it maybe asked, How shall we have our shoes cleaned, or how

are these industrious poor to be maintained?  To this I answer that

the places of these vagabonds may be very well supplied by great

numbers of ancient persons, poor widows, and others, who have not

enough from their respective parishes to maintain them.  These poor

people I would have authorised and stationed by the justices of the

peace or other magistrates.  Each of these should have a particular

walk or stand, and no other shoe-cleaner should come into that

walk, unless the person misbehave and be removed.  Nor should any

person clean shoes in the streets, but these authorised shoe-

cleaners, who should have some mark of distinction, and be under

the immediate government of the justices of the peace.



Thus would many thousands of poor people be provided for, without

burthening their parishes.  Some of these may earn a shilling or

two in the day, and none less than sixpence, or thereabouts.  And

lest the old japanners should appear again, in the shape of

linkboys, and knock down gentlemen in drink, or lead others out of

the way into dark remote places, where they either put out their

lights, and rob them themselves, or run away and leave them to be

pillaged by others, as is daily practised, I would have no person

carry a link for hire but some of these industrious poor, and even

such, not without some ticket or badge, to let people know whom

they trust.  Thus would the streets be cleared night and day of

these vermin; nor would oaths, skirmishes, blasphemy, obscene talk,

or other wicked examples, be so public and frequent.  All gaming at

orange and gingerbread barrows should be abolished, as also all

penny and halfpenny lotteries, thimbles and balls, &c., so frequent

in Moorfields, Lincoln's-inn-fields, &c., where idle fellows

resort, to play with children and apprentices, and tempt them to

steal their parents' or master's money.



There is one admirable custom in the city of London, which I could

wish were imitated in the city and liberties of Westminster, and

bills of mortality, which is, no porter can carry a burthen or

letter in the city, unless he be a ticket porter; whereas, out of

the freedom part of London, any person may take a knot and turn

porter, till he be entrusted with something of value, and then you

never hear of him more.



This is very common, and ought to be amended.  I would, therefore,

have all porters under some such regulation as coachmen, chairmen,

carmen, &c.; a man may then know whom he entrusts, and not run the

risk of losing his goods, &c.  Nay, I would not have a person carry

a basket in the markets, who is not subject to some such

regulation; for very many persons oftentimes lose their dinners in

sending their meat home by persons they know nothing of.



Thus would all our poor be stationed, and a man or woman able to

perform any of these offices, must either comply or be termed an

idle vagrant, and sent to a place where they shall be forced to

work.  By this means industry will be encouraged, idleness

punished, and we shall be famed, as well as happy for our

tranquillity and decorum.