The Vat

A Romantic Comedy

Greg Egan
Harold'sin love.
There'sno hiding it. You can see it in his eyes, in the heat distribution on hisskin, in the twists and whorls of his brain's magnetic field.
Mary knows he exists, all right. When she looks his wadyo,essnh'et look
throughhim - not quite. She notices him with a mild frown. She notices him like asplinter in her thumb, or a crease in her lab coat. She notices him like a
fainot dour; nothing utterly repulsive, but nothing too pleasant either.
Poor Harold was once a promisinegurochemist . He discovered a brand new neurotransmitter-antagoniswt hich could make rats lethargic and depressed. However, while proving that injections of this substance, during or immediately afterfeeding, could produce an aversive association strong enough to make the creaturesstarve themselves to death, he accidentally jabbed himself with the
needle, and soon found he was no longer able even to contemplate experiments withrats. So these days, he works on The Vat.
Harold is in charge of spermatogenesis. In truthd,oehsen't have a lot to do.
The computer monitors the temperature, the pH, the concentrations of nutrients, growthfactors, and waste products. Four hundred square metres of glass plate arecoated with a gelatinous matrix in whsipchermatogonia , the stem cells, are

embedded. When these cells divide, some of their daughter cells are more of the same, the others are primarsypermatocytes . Each primarsypermatocyte gives rise
bymeiosis to two secondarsypermatocytes , each of which in turn divides into
two spermatids. Under the influence
Sofertoli cells, also embedded in the
matrix, spermatids mature and shed cytoplasm to become spermatozoa.
Harold has seen all of these stages hundreds of times under the microscope, in samplestaken for quality control. He ought to find the whole business utterly mundane. Sometimes, though - transfixed for a moment by the image on the screen
-he says in dreamy tones of sudden recognition (to no one in particular, often tono one at all), "Yes! This is it. This is life." Staring at these specks of unthinkingbiochemical machinery, he grows dizzy with wonder, then numb with awe.
Then he gets on with the job.
Some nights, Harold wakes in the early hours and goes out to walk the empty streets.Why?It's the hottest summer on record, and he can't get back to sleep. Why?Unrequited love, of coursWe. hy?Studies of the sequence of neurological eventswhich occur when a subject makes a self-motivated choice between hitting abutton and not hitting a button have revealed that the conscious
decision-makingprocess starts milliseconds after other parts of the brain are alreadycommitted to action. "Will" isn't the cause of anything, it's an afterthoughftor the sake of peace of mind. Since reading this, Harold has stoppedmaking an effort to force his intentions to conform to his behaviour; theredoesn't seem much point now in maintaining the illusion. He just walks. Even the stillest, quietest night comes alive for Harold. He sees gas molecules
spinningthrough the air, and photons pouring down from the stars, the way some
insanemedieval monk might have imagined angels and demons battling it out

behindevery corner and beneath every cobblestoAnen.d the frenzy isn't confined tohis surroundings; the real bedlam is inside him. He pictures it all, vividly, ingarish, comic-book, computer-graphic colours: DNA being transcribed, proteins beingsynthesised, carbohydrates being burnt in flameless enzymatic fires.
Everybody'smade up of molecules, and plenty of people know it, but nobody feels iltike Harold.
Above all, he dizzily marvels at the fact that the molecules in his brain have managed, collectively, to understand themselves: his neurotransmitters are part
ofa system that knows what a neurotransmitter is. He can sketch the structures ofthe central nervous system's one hundred most important substances; he's synthesisedhalf of them with his own haHndes'.s even viewed real-time images
ofhis brain metabolising radioactively-labelled glucose, revealing which regionswere most active as he watched himself thinking about watching himself think.
Harolddoesn't know quite what to make of this molecular self-knowledge. He can'tdecide if consciousness is miraculous or meaningless; he hovers between mysticael cstasy and the purest nihilism. Sometimes he feels like a robot, raisedby human parents, who's just discovered the awful truth: poring over his owncircuit diagrams, horrified but enthralled; scanning a print-out of his own software, following the flow of control from subroutine to subroutine; understanding, at last, the ultimate shallowness of the deepest reasons for everythinghe's ever done, everything he's ever felt - and dissociating into a
misot f a quadrillion purposeless, microscopic causes and effects.
This mood always passes, though, eventually.

Mary is responsible foogenesis . Primaryoocytes undergo meiotic division to yieldfour cells, but only one of the four is a mature ovum; the others are tiny cellsknown as polar bodies, and the second division is only completed if fertilisationtakes place. In a massive cultured substitute for the ovarian
cortex, millions of ova mature and burst from their follicles daily - no parsimoniousone a month here. The Vat has no time, and no need, to ponderously mimicthe stages of the human menstrual cycle; as in any good assembly line, everythingis happening at once.
Harold knows exactly where Mary lives, although of cohue'rssenever been
inside, and when he walks by at two in the morning, the narrow terrace house is alwaysblack and silent. He hurries past, terrified that she might be awake, and mighgt lance out at the sound of his guilty footsteps.
He knows he ought to forget her. Sometimes he swears that he will. He sees womenon the street every day whom he finds a thousand times more attractive. Total strangers treat him with far greater kindness and respect. He knows his merepresence annoys her - and her presence evokes in him more shame and confusionthan tenderness, or even lust.
His love is ridiculous. His love is a farce. Yet the persistence of his obsessiondoesn't surprise him at all. Evolution, he reasons, has not had time
totrim human consciousness down to the most productive, most essential
elements. His brain is capable of many arbitrary, even self-defeating,
;modes
perhapsthat is the price to pay for its flexibility, perhaps there is no easy sequenceof mutations which could remove such disadvantages without sacrificing muchmore.
As for his own wish to be rid of this miserable, pointless love, Harold knows
thathis has no more power to change his feelings than it does to change the

weatheron Jupiter or the electron's charge-to-mass ratio; it's merely another aspectof the state of his brain. Whatever admirable progress evolution has made towardslining up intentions with behaviour to pander to the vanities of the consciousmind, has - in Harold's case, at least - been wasted. The neurological factsrefuse to stay decently theoretical; the irony is that this shattering of theillusion of will, although entirely reasonable, is not by any means
necessary; after all, the human brain is under no deep biochemical edict to be reasonable. The epiphenomenon of logical thought simply happens to have been moreresilient, in this case, than the epiphenomenon of will; in a million other people, as familiar with the facts as Harold, the battle happens to have gone theother way.
Harold wonders, with a mixture of unease and fascination, if his reason is strongenough to move on from this conquest to the ultimate triumph of underminingitself.
When Mary's ova meet Harold's sperm, a high proportion are fertilised. Most of thesperm go to waste, but not nearly as many as are lost in vivo. The rates of polyspermy, and fertilisation by defective sperm, are consequently higher, but suchabnormalities don't really matter, in The Vat.
The resulting zygotes drift, slowly, along a vast conduit. They undergo cleavage, redistributing their cytoplasm amongst more and more cells. Between fourand six days after fertilisatiobnl,astocysts form: hollow balls of cells,
witha cluster at one end which is destined to become the embryo. Other cells
wil,l
in time, give rise to the protective foetal membranes.
Cultured slabs of uterineendometrium - hormonally stimulated into a swollen,

receptivestate, and replete with artificial blood circulated by electric pumps
- are introduced into the conduit at the point whebrelastthoecysts are ready toimplant. Within days of implantatiocnh,orionic villi - the links between the placentaal nd "maternal" blood supply - will form, guaranteeing essential nutritionfor thehaemotropic development to come.
Tonight, after passing Mary's dark house - on the far side of the street, as always- Harold stops and turns baWckh. y? Because certain of his motor neurons firein the necessary sequencWe. hy? Because sufficient excitatory signals are receivedat their dendritesW. hy? Because of the neural topology of Harold's
brain, the product of his genome, and his life history, and the way the quantum dicehave fallen.
A rubbish-strewn alley leads to a back window, very slightly ajar. Harold can fiot nly his fingernails into the crack, and clawing the window open causes him alot of pain, but this doesn't deter him at all.
The window leads into a damp, warm bathroom, between a toilet and a dripping shower. He fears that the sound of the dripping will betray him; it rings so
loudlyin his head that he believes Mary might be wakened, not by the sound itself, but by his amplified perception of it. He tightens the hot water tap withall his strength, and then the cold, but there's a leaky washer, and no amounot f force is going to change that.
Hetip-toes into the kitchen, opens the drawers and searches them methodically. It'snot until he has the carving knife in his hand that he reflects on his
likelyuse for it. Part of him is shocked, but part of him is delighted; it's onething to muse and fret like a tenth-rate philosopher, but here at last is a
testfor his ideas that goes beyond inconsequential speculation.

A proportion of the embryos are simply liquefied; the cell walls, and indeed all intracellularstructures, are ultrasonically disrupted. The broth of chemicals thisproduces is then fed into a sophisticated purification system, based mainly onelectrophoresis and affinity chromatography, and many valuable substances are extracted.
The remaining embryos are broken into individual cells. In theory, perhaps, almosat nything can be achieved with engineered bacteria, or some modified tumourcell line, but in practice there are still many properties of healthy humantissue that can't be faked. Persuading E. coli to churn out hormones like insulinor dopamine is simple enough; turning it into a perfectly functional equivalenot f an islet cell ordoapaminergic neuron - an integral part of a
complicatedregulatory system - is something else entirIetl'sy.simply not
economica,l
trying to make all that human DNA work in a foreign environment,
whenthe real thing is available for a fraction of the cost.
Harold passes the refrigerated storerooms every morning as he arrives for work, andevery evening as he departs. It's a relaxed, cheerful placest;ortheme en
alwaysseem to be whistling, or playing a radio loudly. Vans come and go at all hours, picking up the large, but light, containers of insulating foam in which thesmall, precious vials are packed. When Harold sees a crateful of the end productof his work being loaded into a van, when he sees the driver sign for theconsignment, slam his door, and drive away, he says to himself aloud,
nodding, "Yes! This is it. This is life."
Harold stands by Mary's beSdh.e's lying on her side, turned away from him. He breathesslowly - through his mouth, hoping that this is the quietest way - and thinksabout the trillions of cells of her body. If he stabbed her in the heart,

onlythe tiniest fraction of them would be killed directly by the blade - just a fewmillion cells in her skin, her soft tissue, her heart muscles. The death of herneurons would be almost coincidental, more a product of this organism's poor designthan anything else. A slime mould would easily survive similar treatment.
He stands for a while, waiting to see what he will do. Part of him - a small, vestigiasl ubsystem with no interest whatsoever in brain physiology, the philosophyof consciousness, or even obsessive love - pleads fervently to be allowedto put down the knife and flee, but Harold pays it about as much attentionas the soundtrack of a child's cartoon overheard playing on a neighbour'sTV. He stands, and he waits.
Harolddoesn't mourn for the brief lives he helps create; he knows they die longbefore the most primitive thoughts or feelings have a chance to arise, and hecan't believe there's a machine up in heaven, churning out a white-robed feather-wingedsoul for each of these tiny clusters of cells.
Rather, he rejoices. Because The Vat says something about human life - human lifeof every age - that had to be said, and although today he is alone in heedingthis message, he knows that in time the insights he's gained will be the commonheritage of all humanity.
Harold retraces his steps. He returns the knife to its place in the kitchen. He leavesby the bathroom window, and closes it behind him.
He wanted to kill her, he muses, more hteh'danever wanted anything before. He wanted, very badly, to be free. But something in his genome, or something in his past, declared that it wasn't to Obre.perhaps the quantum dice simply happened
tofall in her favouTr.his time.
He walks home slowly, his face uplifted to the photons flooding down from the

stars, and he counts them one by one.
Originally appeared pp. 13-18, Eidolon,D3ecember1990. Copyright © 1990 Greg Egan. All rights reserved.