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<DATE>2009-12-06</DATE>
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<NAME>Mona Logarbo</NAME>
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<ITEM>Proofed and reviewed as part of batch B091015.pdcc.</ITEM>
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<STC T="W">F1418B</STC>
<BIBNO T="oclc">47012452</BIBNO>
<VID>174419</VID>
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<TEXT LANG="eng">
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<P>THE <HI>FOOL and the KNAVE</HI> UNCAS'D Or a true NARRATIVE OF The abominable Cheats OF <HI>VINCENT</HI> &amp; <HI>COLLINS,</HI> TWO Dominican Friers Living in <HI>LONDON.</HI></P>
<P>Printed in the Year 1678.</P>
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<HEAD>THE FOOL and the KNAVE Uncas'd, &amp;c.</HEAD>
<P>THough this Subject de&s;erve, nei|ther Apology, nor Preface, in it &s;elf, or is nece&s;&s;ary to a well qualified Reader; yet &s;ince it is now expos'd to all, you &s;hall have the rea&s;on Why, at the door, to prevent you from cen&s;uring after you come in.</P>
<P>If it be nece&s;&s;ary to di&s;tingui&s;h the &s;cabbed Sheep from the flock; the infected in Plague|time, from tho&s;e in Health; if it be nece&s;|&s;ary to pull the Sheeps cloathing from the Wolves back; then is it not only lawful, but nece&s;&s;ary, for me to expo&s;e this to the World, as well to prevent the Contagion of the wea|ker &s;ort of the Flock, and the cen&s;ure of a whole Church for a brace of Impo&s;tors, as to let all (that have by the inculcation of &s;uch odd Precedents conceiv'd a prejudice again&s;t us) know how much we di&s;own, di&s;like, and hate them, and wi&s;h, (which is as much
<PB N="2" REF="3"><!-- PDF PAGE 91 -->wanted as wi&s;hed) that there were a Power that not only could, but al&s;o would, take cognizance of, and puni&s;h &s;uch Malefactors, and out of a true compa&s;&s;ion to the whole Bo|dy, &s;eparate the contagious Members. I de|clare and own as great a tenderne&s;s to my Neighbours reputation, as to the Apple of my Eye; and therefore hate and abhor, any Per|&s;on that out of envy, malice, or intere&s;t, &s;hall either whi&s;per about his Neighbours private frailties, which are only to his own particular prejudice, or to magnifie, and add, what is fal&s;e: But when the publick actions of Per&s;ons, are not only hurtful to them&s;elves, but reflect up|on a whole Congregation, and bring a Scan|dal upon the very Principles of our Religion; it is &s;o far from de&s;erving a cen&s;ure, that there is an obligation &s;omewhere incumbent, to let them and their Cheats, be known; that &s;o they, and <HI>opprobriums,</HI> and farther conta|gions may be avoided: I only hang out a Lanthorn, and &s;et up a fencing rail at the dangerous precipice: If any Traveller find fault with me, in the night of his ignorance, he'l thank me in the-day light of his better under&s;tanding. Had not the grand Impo&s;tor (<HI>Collins</HI>) by &s;uborning a Wench to counterfeit her &s;elf Demoniac or po&s;&s;e&s;s'd of the De|vil, brought a great Scandal upon us, and our Religion; Or <HI>Vincent</HI> the like, by making
<PB N="3" REF="3"><!-- PDF PAGE 91 -->people believe that he and his Wench &s;hould dye, and ri&s;e again the third day; and had not the thing been &s;o publick, and ridiculous, that even <HI>Poor Robbin</HI> had it in his Diverti&s;e|ments, to render our Religion ridiculous, at lea&s;t to the vulgar; I had been &s;ilent. But now all things oblige me to this impartial Narrative, and I pre&s;ume, that after all the&s;e weighty Rea&s;ons, and the nece&s;&s;ity of pub|li&s;hing this Paper, no one will be &s;o void of Charity as to cen&s;ure me of the want there|of, for I heartily wi&s;h the Conver&s;ion of &s;uch mi&s;creants, and do declare, I have no pique at their per&s;ons, but what their deportment de|&s;erves, and our nece&s;&s;ary defence requires; for (in &s;hort) 'tis better the publick acts of two notorious Impo&s;tors &s;hould be laid open, cen|&s;ur'd, dete&s;ted, and di&s;own'd, than a whole Congregation, (by &s;mothering the &s;ame) be rendred Scandalous and Odious.</P>
<P><HI>Vincent</HI> and <HI>Collins,</HI> two <HI>Dominican</HI> Friers (for their rare exploits having lately commenced Doctors) are the &s;ubject of this Di&s;cour&s;e, the Stage of their Actions, <HI>London:</HI> What place &s;pued them hither, I am as ignorant of, as they of their Native country. The&s;e two ubiquitarian Vagabonds having not long &s;ince taken up their &s;tation here, began to con&s;tult, and joyn their Loggerheads together, what gainful Trade was be&s;t to drive; among&s;t
<PB N="4" REF="4"><!-- PDF PAGE 92 -->many propos'd, they agreed upon this, which they acted, and I &s;hall relate. In the fir&s;t place (for fear their old forreign Names, &s;hould retain with them the &s;cent of their forreign exploits) they di&s;card them, and a&s;|&s;ume the&s;e of <HI>Collins</HI> and <HI>Vincent,</HI> this done, (and taking a chearful Cup of the Creature,) they rub up their brazen Faces, and take up their &s;tation in the throng of the Fair: But (in all exploits of this kind,) &s;ome a&s;&s;i&s;tants being nece&s;&s;ary; they very patly meet with a couple of cunning Jades, as fit for their purpo&s;e, as a halter for a Thief, the&s;e they train up for their purpo&s;es, both to act, and decoy. Fir&s;t <HI>Collins,</HI> who was to act the Con|jurer or ca&s;ter out of Devils, trains up his Wench to make wry Mouths, ugly Faces, &s;quint Eyes, to contract, and dilate her Mouth, to lay out her Tongue, to arm it a|gain&s;t Fire, to foam at the Mouth with the help of Soap, to make hideous noi&s;es, to &s;peak through the No&s;e (like him&s;elf with a Pox broken ends of <HI>Latin, Dutch,</HI> and <HI>Iri&s;h</HI> in|&s;tead of <HI>Greek.</HI> After &s;ome private tryals how &s;he could perform her part, (as Players do be|fore their publick Act) (and after having made the whole Town ring, of a Maid po&s;|&s;e&s;s'd with the Devil,) he makes a publick appointment both of time, and place, where, and when, he and the Devil &s;hould enter into
<PB N="5" REF="4"><!-- PDF PAGE 92 -->the Li&s;ts for a &s;ingle touch in a fair Combat. The eminent place, and more then ordinary Per&s;ons pre&s;ent I mu&s;t omit: Now behold all the Spectators pre&s;ent, of &s;everal Sexes, Ages, Degrees, and Religions, expecting the re|&s;ult of this great enterpri&s;e: The Wench is brought in bound, her Face made pale with Meal like the Picture of Death, and <HI>Collins</HI> with &s;ome deluded A&s;&s;i&s;tants, arm'd with all his hypocritical Engines, in <HI>Pontificalibus</HI> makes his entry, at who&s;e pre&s;ence, the Wench trem|bles, begins to foam, to roar, to contract all parts, and in fine to empty her whole Budget of tricks, and as if the Devil were in her, utters &s;trange gibberi&s;h, which <HI>Collins</HI> the Devils Interpreter explains, to the People, and after having made di&s;&s;embling addre&s;s to the People, falls aboard the Wench, and mo&s;t &s;acrilegiou&s;ly abu&s;es all tho&s;e venerable Cere|monies of the Church, in employing them them to a meer Impo&s;ture, and fiction of his own contriving. And parts on both &s;ides were &s;o wickedly well to the life per|formed, that all &s;wallowed the Gudgeon and were well &s;atisfied, till one of his A&s;|&s;i&s;tants, a <HI>Franci&s;can</HI> Frier, (who, not privy to <HI>Collins</HI>'s de&s;ign, believed all with the re&s;t) thinking his Girdle had (as the Je&s;uits Pow|ders) &s;ome occult quality, or Power over the Devil, rudely thru&s;t the knot of Saint
<PB N="7" REF="5"><!-- PDF PAGE 93 --><HI>Francis</HI> his Cord into her Throat, &s;o that the Maid, to avoid a nece&s;&s;ity of being chok'd, was forc'd to unmask, &s;hifts her &s;elf by force from the Frier, and in earne&s;t cries out to the People for Chri&s;t Je&s;us &s;ake, to a&s;&s;i&s;t her, and re&s;cue her from the Friers Clutches, which was immediately performed, and <HI>Collins</HI> hi&s;&s;ed out of the place. <HI>Spectatum admi&s;&s;i ri&s;um teneatis amici.</HI> The Maid was afterwards by Authority examined upon Oath, and confe&s;&s;ed the whole truth of what has been here related.</P>
<P>This unfortunate accident, having di&s;|courag'd my Gentleman from appearing any more in publick, he hath yet the confidence left, to hold forth in private Families, and impo&s;es upon weak &s;illy Women (his only audience) and there (to &s;hew his admired Talents, in vending his <HI>Rhodomontado</HI> balder|da&s;h,) he &s;nivels out his profound Non&s;en&s;e, and draws <HI>John Calvin</HI> through the No&s;e. So <HI>Exit Collins,</HI> and Enter <HI>Vincent.</HI></P>
<P>You have all, I &s;uppo&s;e, heard of the &s;tory of one that liv'd in <HI>Martin Luthers</HI> days, a <HI>Ger|man</HI> Reformer, who having &s;et up for him&s;elf and bid a defiance to the Pope, and to make him&s;elf famous in the beginning, by perform|ing a Miracle, &s;uborns a Wench for Money to counterfeit her &s;elf dead, that he might rai&s;e her again to life; but Gods ju&s;t Judge|ment
<PB N="7" REF="5"><!-- PDF PAGE 93 -->having &s;trook her dead in earne&s;t, and he not being able to rai&s;e her again to life; had (for his Impo&s;ture) much ado to &s;ave his own life, from the rage of the People. Now whether <HI>Vincent</HI> learnt this trick from the <HI>German</HI> Gentleman, or whether good Wits jump'd, 'tis hard to judge: Yet for mat|ter of Wit, crave your pardon, for now I think on't, if Frier <HI>Vincents</HI> Head had been as empty of other garbage as of Wit, 'twould have made a brave Drum for Dr. <HI>Fuller</HI> to beat a march on in his Holy War.</P>
<P>But to the &s;tory; <HI>Vincent</HI> a&s;piring to fame in the World, &s;lights <HI>Bellarmines</HI> Speculation, <HI>de arte bene moriendi,</HI> having found out a better him&s;elf in <HI>praxi.</HI> Fir&s;t therefore he in&s;tructs his Girl, how to counterfeit Death, privately in his Chamber, and how to Act all the dying po&s;tures, as opening the Mouth, contracting her Limbs, the carele&s;s hanging of Head, Hands and Legs, as if de&s;titute of motion, adding pale, wan, and livid colours proper to each part: This done, he makes the whole Town ring of this great Miracle, which was to be wrought upon the Maid, to wit, that without any previous Sickne&s;s, &s;he &s;hould die ju&s;t at &s;uch an hour, and ri&s;e again the third day; And no time would &s;erve his turn, to &s;hew his <HI>Hocus Pocus</HI> tricks, but the the Holy time of Lent and Good-friday it
<PB N="8" REF="6"><!-- PDF PAGE 94 -->&s;elf; to cro&s;s the Proverb, with the wor&s;er deed on the better day. The time drawing near, all preparations are made for this &s;tu|pendious Miracle; People of different Reli|gions are invited, they come to the place ap|pointed; Father <HI>Vincent</HI> then in a &s;olemn man|ner, accompanied with &s;ome A&s;&s;i&s;tants, with Bell, Book, and Candle, Cro&s;s, Copes, Holy|water, Sacrament and Holy Oyls; after a &s;mall Non&s;en&s;ical Oration fit for the purpo&s;e, ap|plying &s;everal Texts of the Holy Scripture, as that he will not &s;uffer his Holy Ones to &s;ee Corruption, u&s;ing the Plural in&s;tead of the &s;ingular number. This ended with a profound &s;ilence and earne&s;t gazing, every one expects the event, &s;ome feared their own &s;urmi&s;es might prove true, others that the Wench might prove with Child, and &s;o rather bring one into the World than pack out her &s;elf: But the critical minute of <HI>Vincents</HI> pre&s;age|ment being come, the Wench (having her promi&s;ed reward in her Pocket, before hand and fearing &s;ome mi&s;carriage in the bu&s;ine&s;s, and con&s;equently &s;hame and puni&s;hment;) in&s;tead of dying, bur&s;ts out into a profound laughter, as well &s;he might, and so the Im|po&s;tor was di&s;covered, and <HI>Vincent</HI> hi&s;&s;ed at by the People. <HI>Vincent</HI> now too late repents his folly of paying People their Wages before their Work was done; and knowing not
<PB N="9" REF="6"><!-- PDF PAGE 94 -->which way to turn him&s;elf here, runs into the Country and the Wench after him, whom he dur&s;t not treat but kindly, for fear of farther mi&s;chief; there they &s;taid for the &s;pace of one year, till the noi&s;e was a little over, and then returned to <HI>London,</HI> where <HI>Vincent</HI> fall to his old Trade again, and gets a &s;odality of the female Sex about him, and Preaches old Womens dreams and fancies, for Revelations and Miracles. One pa&s;&s;age I had almo&s;t forgot that happened to <HI>Vincent</HI> &s;ince his return from the Country.</P>
<P>There is a poor old man in this Town, that once upon a time having &s;tolen a Sheepshead, and being apprehended in the fact, is ever&s;ince baited by the Boyes in the &s;treets, who follow him in every cornern with loud acclamations of Sheepshead, it happened one day, that Fa|ther <HI>Vincent</HI> pa&s;&s;ing by, in the mid&s;t of the&s;e acclamations, and not minding to whom they were directed, &s;urmi&s;ed him&s;elf to be the per|&s;on they hooted at &s;o loudly, and in a pannick fear, betakes him&s;elf to his Heels with his Eyes ar&s;y-ver&s;y, the better to view their ap|proach; the nimble witted young Fry, di&s;|covering his timerous po&s;ture, and cau&s;ele&s;s flying, conclude him a new Sheepshead, and lea|ving the old hunted Game, pur&s;ue the fre&s;h view, with a full cry of nothing but Shepshead, Sheeps|head a new. <HI>Vincent</HI> finding they got ground
<PB N="10" REF="7"><!-- PDF PAGE 95 -->upon him, redoubled his fears, and they his pace, &s;o that with much ado for that time, he got to &s;helter and e&s;caped their fury; but the poor Frier as well, as his Breeches were in a terrible twitter, and next day all the &s;odality of Si&s;ters, gave thanks for his Mi|raculous delivery.</P>
<P>Thus you have a brief account of the&s;e two Montebanks in Religion: I could have wi&s;h|ed the ingenious Author of <HI>Hudibras</HI> had light upon this for one of his Subjects, where <HI>Vincent</HI> and <HI>Collins</HI> would have matcht his <HI>Hudibras</HI> and <HI>Ralpho</HI> in all points, and have fitted him to a Cows thumb: Now e'ne let the Players take it up and mould it into a Comedy, 'twill fill their Boxes and Pur&s;es, both e&s;pecially if they'l but admit <HI>Vincent</HI> and <HI>Collins</HI> to Act their own Parts in Per&s;on, the be&s;t Trade they can now drive. Now after all the&s;e premonitions, and cautions, <HI>Si vulgus vult decipi, decipiatur,</HI> if the People will be chea|ted let them, and there's an end.</P>
<TRAILER>FINIS.</TRAILER>
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