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<DATE>2010-08-06</DATE>
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<NAME>Mona Logarbo</NAME>
<RESP>MURP</RESP>
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<ITEM>Proofed and reviewed as part of batch B100712.apex.</ITEM>
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<IDG S="marc" R="UM" ID="B04617">
<STC T="W">O27</STC>
<BIBNO T="oclc">11467178</BIBNO>
<VID>179510</VID>
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<TEXT LANG="eng">
<BODY>
<DIV1 TYPE="letter">
<PB N="1" REF="1" MS="y">
<HEAD>Dr. Oats's ANSWER To Count Teckleys LETTER intercepted at DOVER:</HEAD>
<P>AN't plea&s;e your Mightine&s;s yours, I Receiv'd&mdash;<HI>Anno Dom</HI> 1683. <HI>September</HI> the 25th new Stile; I give your Mightine&s;s ten thou&s;and thanks, for all your Favours formerly be|&s;towed upon me, but mo&s;t e&s;pecially for the&s;e kind Propo&s;itions now made me, both by the <HI>Grand Segniour,</HI> your Grace, and all the Court and Council of that Empire, which I &s;hall mo&s;t gratefully accept of: and had been with you long before this time, but that our Engli&s;h <HI>Turks</HI> here, have had as great misfortunes in our Affairs at home: as the <HI>Vizier</HI> before <HI>Vienna;</HI> for Sir, you mu&s;t under&s;tand; that this Kingdom the chief of the three, of which I am the Savor.</P>
<P>About ten years agone, this Kingdom I &s;ay, was got with Child, with a huge and horrible <HI>Popi&s;h-plot,</HI> it had neither Head, nor Foot, but &s;ixty thou&s;and Rumps and Tails, and what d'ye call'ems. Now Sir, about five years agone&mdash;her Belly began to Gripe&mdash;&s;he made foul Faces and lookt very black in the Fundament; and fell into Labour with this Plot; and was very ill in|deed, &s;he father'd the Plot upon the <HI>Je&s;uits,</HI> and &s;everal other per&s;ons of Quality&mdash;and &s;everal of the <HI>Papi&s;ts</HI> were hang'd and cut in pieces and the re&s;t Begger'd and Ruin'd, and all the able Men-Midwives in <HI>England</HI> were &s;ent for, to help to deliver her of this great Belly: Fir&s;t that great States Midwife: <HI>Shaftsbury</HI>&mdash;who took his turn for four years together, and at la&s;t with a full Re&s;olution to fetch it out, thru&s;t his hand a little too far, and broke a Leg or an Arm, and was forc'd to run away to &s;ave his Neck. Then was cho&s;e a Council of &s;ix o<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter"> the able States Midwives in the Kingdom, to try Experiments, among&s;t whom the Lord <HI>Ru&s;&s;el</HI> &s;corning to be out-done; fell to work Tooth and Nail; but being too hot upon't happens to lay hold on the Ar&s;e gut and all be &s;h-this Fingers. Upon this misfortune he fell into a de&s;perate pa&s;&s;ion; and in Revenge re&s;olved to cut his Maje&s;ties Throat, but ju&s;t in the attempt, his own Head dropt off.</P>
<P>Next comes Midwi&s;e <HI>Gray,</HI> but having ju&s;t left his two Wives behind the Cortain which were really Si&s;ters, and he not being able to &s;atisfie one, his Horns, on a &s;udden &s;prouted out, &s;o much longer than his Arms, that they goard <HI>Britain</HI> into the Belly, before he could reach it, which put her into &s;uch a Fit of Torture and Kicking, as frighted him out of his &s;ence and &s;ight of the World, that he was never &s;een &s;ince.</P>
<P>Then comes <HI>E&mdash;x</HI> with &s;erious re&s;erved, deliberate gravity: And as &s;oon as he had felt how it was with her&mdash;he pretended to wi&s;h that the K. did but know half &s;o much as he did, but feeling the &s;econd time&mdash;&s;he unmannerly &s;lapt her Tail in his Eye, and pi&s;t in his Face&mdash;which cau&s;ed &s;ome of the Deputy Midwives to laugh at him; which put the Earl into &s;uch a pa&s;&s;ion, that he &s;wore the K. had a hand in it&mdash;for which and other Crimes he was clapt up; and in Revenge he playd the fool and cut his own Throat.</P>
<P>Then comes thundering <HI>Tickle me Tom,</HI> and he was &s;o fooli&s;h Ra&s;h, he'd needs father the Pug before it was Born; he was &s;o in love with the Ba&s;tard that attempted to cut off the Roy|al Line to make a King on't: which made <HI>Britain</HI> up with her heel and hit him a dab o'th' Chops and farted in his Face&mdash;Gad, what dos he do for madne&s;s, but transforms him&s;elf into the Spawn of a Makrel and was never heard of &s;ince.</P>
<P><PB N="2" REF="2">
Next comes Perking <HI>Teckeley</HI>&mdash;though a Ba&s;terd he had as undoubted a Right to the Imperi|al Crown of <HI>England</HI> as your Mightine&s;s to that of <HI>Hungary</HI>&mdash;he laid both his Commi&s;&s;ions, Life, and his expected Crown, that he'd fetch it out the fir&s;t attempt without difficulty&mdash;Then he falls to work, Sir, upon the Brat, and got it by the back with both hands at once&mdash;and pull'd it with &s;uch an undaunced Courage that five hundred Rumps and Tails come off in his hands&mdash;and he lo&s;t his hold, which &s;o inflam'd his Grace, that he turned up her Tail, and &s;hewd her Nackedne&s;s to forty thou&s;and of the Rable&mdash;which made <HI>Britain</HI> pull him by the Lugs&mdash;and wrapt a Ladys &s;hitten Smock about his Chops and Eyes and &s;ent his Adle-head, Reeling, Blind|fold from the Land of <HI>Promi&s;e</HI> to <HI>Wapping;</HI> where the other Si&s;ter wip'd his Chops&mdash;and he &s;put|tered and Hector'd about and threatned Revenge for a while; but at la&s;t was lo&s;t in a Mi&s;t; like <HI>Aenyas,</HI> for ingratitude and never was heard o &s;ince&mdash;a great many more made the like attempt, with &s;uch or wor&s;e &s;ucce&s;s&mdash;and &s;ome hang'd, &s;ome in holl'd, &s;ome turn'd Trimers, and the re&s;t run away: for ju&s;t in the interim when the <HI>K.</HI> was to have been Murthered comes me in&mdash;one <HI>Howard, Rum&s;ey, We&s;t,</HI> and <HI>Keeling</HI>&mdash;and undertook to deiiver this great Belly&mdash;and upon the word of a <HI>Prie&s;t,</HI> they handled it with &s;uch Dexterity, that in a forthnights time, they brought out this great Mon&s;ter&mdash;and what do you think it was that made all this noi&s;e&mdash;e'en hone&s;t <HI>Presbyter John</HI>&mdash;a Delicte Babe&mdash;but &s;o &s;tuft with <HI>'Sociations,</HI> Noble <HI>Peer's Speeche; Holy Leagues,</HI> and <HI>Covenants,</HI> &amp;c. that it was Farting full again: And being an <HI>Incubus</HI> it &s;poke as &s;oon as it was Born, and named above &s;ix-Hundred Fathers that were at the getting on't&mdash;<HI>Shaftsbury, Tongue,</HI> and my &s;eh, three of the Chief&mdash;then drawing its Mouth on one &s;ide; Cry'd, You mu&s;t all turn <HI>Turks</HI> or be Damn'd&mdash;and ever &s;ince I have had a great Ambition to leave off my Hypocritical Jump, and' turn <HI>Muffty.</HI> But how do you think this <HI>Brat</HI> &s;erv'd us at la&s;t; for all we have lick't it into five hundred &s;hapes and colors; nothing &s;erves its turn but &s;peaking truth with a Pox to the <HI>Ra&s;cal:</HI> &amp; has &s;poiled all our future proceedings; and we have lo&s;t the Charter into the bargain. But as for Popi&s;h Commi&s;&s;ions; Spani&s;h Pilgrims, Black Bills, French Armies, Pickerings Guns, Teux|bury Mu&s;tard-Balls, Popi&s;h plots &amp;c. I received ready mony for them: both from Court and City at once: but now, notwith&s;tanding all my Guards, I was arre&s;ted three or four times a week, and have neither plot nor Commi&s;&s;ion to make a penny on, to help my &s;elf withall; and my <HI>Bums,</HI> like a company of Revenous Wolves, are ready to tear my heart out. But for <HI>We&s;ts</HI> Blunderbu&s;h, <HI>Wildmans</HI> Cannon, mo&s;t of them are vi&s;ibly taken and Seized by the K&mdash;Ju&s;t now my &s;acred per&s;on was &s;eized for twenty pounds due for linne, which I took up to wipe clean my Bums. To conclude Sir, unle&s;s our party can get to a head, before the K. calls a Parliament, all our Gang mu&s;t, of nece&s;&s;ity, flie to your Mightine&s;s for Refuge&mdash;Therefore I be&s;eech you let the <HI>Sarraglio,</HI> be forthwith made ready for me, and my Retinue&mdash;for Bums I &s;hall carry four&s;core a long with me, for Whores, and Bauds, let there be two thou&s;and made ready: for I intend to out-do <HI>Sallomon</HI> in <HI>Letchery, Mahomet</HI> in <HI>Bla&s;phem<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">,</HI> and <HI>Judas</HI> in <HI>Perjury</HI> and <HI>Trechery</HI>&mdash;</P>
<CLOSER><SIGNED>your Mightine&s;s's mo&s;t humble Servant, and <HI>Mufti</HI> to the Grand Turk <HI>TITUS OATS.</HI></SIGNED>
<POSTSCRIPT>
<HEAD>POSTSCRIPT</HEAD>
<P>AN't plea&s;e your Mightine&s;s, though you have not yet thought it convenient to hazard your Sacred Per&s;on&mdash;or Army in the Fight; yet the Turks are very much 'weak'ned&mdash;and I was thinking to have &s;ent a Detachment of fifty thou&s;and French Prote&s;tant Mahometans, which <HI>Shaftsbury</HI> &s;ent for over to be ready upon &s;uch occa&s;ions&mdash;but they have &s;uch Damn'd Mahometan Stomachs they'l eat you all up, both Hor&s;e and Man: for there is a certain Lord of our partys forc'd to cut them out awhole <HI>Ox</HI> and Broth, three times a Week, to &s;ave his own Per&s;on from the fury of their Teeth I am &s;adly hampered among&s;t the Chri&s;tians here: they have burned me in <HI>Effigie</HI> with as much Ignominie as <HI>Waller</HI> burnt their Crucified-God in <HI>Effigie.</HI> Another of 'em &s;ent me a Barrel of <HI>Oi&s;ters,</HI> in the name of one of our Mahometans, I invited my Friends to the Colation, and told'em I was not quite forgot yet. There were twenty o'th' top of delicate ones, look you here quoth I, turn 'em out Boy, turn out; out they came, and what do you think they were&mdash;by <HI>Mahomet,</HI> nothing but Shells and a long Rope Quoyled up in the middle, and fro&s;ted&mdash;over with a T&mdash;</P>
</POSTSCRIPT></CLOSER>
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<P>LONDON <HI>Printed for</HI> J. Dean.</P>
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