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<DATE>2009-12-04</DATE>
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<NAME>Mona Logarbo</NAME>
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<DIV1 TYPE="title page">
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<P>NEVVES, True Newes, Laudable Newes, Citie Newes, Court News, Countrey Newes: The World is mad, or it is a mad World my Ma&s;ters, e&s;pecially now when in the <HI>Antipodes</HI> the&s;e things are come to pa&s;&s;e.</P>
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<P>LONDON, Printed for <HI>F. Cowles, T. Bates,</HI> and <HI>T. Banks.</HI> MDCXLII.</P>
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<HEAD>NEWES, True Newes, Laudable Newes, Citie Newes, Court Newes, Countrey Newes: The World is mad, or it is a mad World my Ma&s;ters, e&s;pecially now when in the <HI>Antipodes</HI> the&s;e things are come to pa&s;&s;e.</HEAD>
<P>_THere are many who&s;e braines are bewictht with reading Hi&s;tories of great Travellers and their di&s;coveries, that wonder at <HI>Mandeviles</HI> Relation of &s;trange wilderne&s;&s;es full of wonderfull wild bea&s;ts, and of Countries where the Gee&s;e had heads, and Hens bore more wooll than &s;heep, which whether they de&s;erve credit or no, is un|knowne to mo&s;t under&s;tandings. But if you would have ju&s;t and true cau&s;e of admiration, looke for it in this Re|lation of a mo&s;t certaine and reall Countrey called the <HI>Antipodes,</HI> a Countrey furthe&s;t di&s;tant, foot to foot again&s;t our Region; the poople whereof in outward &s;eature, language and religion, re&s;emble tho&s;e to whom they are &s;uppo&s;ite or underneath, as tho&s;e under Eng|land are like to the Engli&s;h, but in their manners, carriage, and con|dition of life extremely contrarie, for there the people rule the Ma|gi&s;trates, the women over-<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">ule the men, Maids wooe the Batche|lours; and it is mo&s;t probable, the wives lye uppermo&s;t, and at Go&s;&s;ips fea&s;ts the men doe all little-tattle duties; and the women in&s;tead of lying in, lye out, and let out their f<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">re-roomes, and lye backwards them&s;elves, for their husbands advantage; and their
<PB N="3" REF="2"><!-- PDF PAGE 35 -->husbands lye abed in their roomes the whole month, while the wo|men, hunt, hawke, and take their plea&s;ures; and generally they carry them&s;elves in life and conver&s;ation quite contrary to the Eng|li&s;h fa&s;hion.</P>
<P>And fir&s;t, to de&s;cribe the manner of the Citie, the Governor there doth nothing but jeere the Delinquent, and is not guided by the Lawes, but his own plea&s;ure to give judgement: the Aldermen there want money and wit, all the Citie Poets are Puritans; the Gentle|men there entreat Sergeants to arre&s;t them, and the Sergeants will by no meanes doe it, if they have a little conniving money given them before they arre&s;t the party. The Maids there correct and command their Ladies and Mi&s;tre&s;&s;es, and &s;ometimes lye with their Ma&s;ters, 'tis allowed. Young men are the Lords of mi&s;-rule, and the old men their fathers are put to Schoole againe, with a peece of bread and butter in their hands, like towne-borne children, whither they goe every day with &s;atchels at their backs, and bottles in their hands. Citizens will give rich wares to Gallants to lye with their wives, and if they receive them, and afterwards doe not performe their wives bu&s;ine&s;&s;e, <HI>ip&s;o facto,</HI> the Citizens arre&s;t them and &s;ue them, and recover co&s;ts and damages of them for not making them Cuckolds.</P>
<P>Lawyers there think them&s;elves much abu&s;ed, if you offer them any fees, and unle&s;&s;e you keep your money, you cannot retaine a Lawyer there. Fether-men and Taylours will tru&s;t out their commodities with much cheefulne&s;&s;e and willingne&s;&s;e, and afterward Captaines and roaring Blades are faine to have an action of tre&s;pa&s;&s;e again&s;t the owners of the wares, for troubling them with importunate reque&s;ts to pay them no money, but take longer day, a very ea&s;ie reque&s;t: but yet their Captaines are &s;ometimes beat and kickt downe &s;taires, for offering to pay money.</P>
<P>The Beggars are the mo&s;t ab&s;olute Courtiers in the Antipodes, and againe in a contrary manner the Courtiers are the be&s;t Beggars: The Beggars al&s;o in the Antipodes will walk abroad to fee Lawyers, but the Lawyers will take no money, and &s;o the Lawyers there prove Beggars, and the Beggars only thrive by going to Law: and as here Gallants follow Lawyers, and the Beggars them, &s;o there the Law|yer is followed by the Beggar, and the Gentleman followes him: and moreover, all the money that the Lawyers receive of Beggars, of whom they only receive money, they &s;end it all up to other Law|yers
<PB N="4" REF="3"><!-- PDF PAGE 36 -->to &s;top their mouths, that cur&s;e poore Clients that are put upon them <HI>in forma pauperis.</HI></P>
<P>Now the&s;e Beggars that doe thus get aforehand to follow &s;uits of Law, do receive the greate&s;t benevolence of V&s;urers, and who doe you think the&s;e V&s;urers are there? even younger Brothers, Souldiers, Courtiers, and &s;ome grave and pious Church-men; thus there is a fine contrarietie in all things. As for example, a young Boy that hath no hope of beard, will keep an old &s;ervant whom hee cals Boy, and abu&s;e him at his plea&s;ure: and you cannot walk the &s;treets, but pre|&s;ently &s;ome hand &s;ome Gentlewoman will take you up, carry you to the Taverne, wooe you, nay and be ready to doe you, and afterward carry you home to her lodging, and for a nights activitie give you your mornings break-fa&s;t with a peece or two of gold, and you will &s;ay thats prettie.</P>
<P>Moreover, in the Antipodes Merchants wives doe deale abroad beyond &s;eas, while their husbands cuckold them at home. And cuc|kold-making is held there in great reputation, &s;o that all your old men doe marry Girles, and old women Boyes, as if generation were onely to be maintained by Cuckold-making. Divines are there the greate&s;t wranglers in Law-&s;uits, and you have not there a Gentleman in debt, though Citizens haunt them with cap in hand to take their wares on credit.</P>
<P>Be&s;ides, there are in the Antipodes women Foncers, that will ven|ture with lo&s;&s;e of bloud to play Prizes, while the men keep Schoole, and teach Needle-work; and the men are as arrant Scolds as the women are here, and are often duckt for &s;colding. And in the An|tipodes you &s;hall &s;ee a &s;ick man give coun&s;ell to a Phy&s;itian, and a Puritan Trade&s;-man teach a great Traveller how to lye, a Schi&s;ma|tick teach a Scrivener how to keep his eares, and an old V&s;urer how to keep his bags of money out of a <HI>Bu&s;h;</HI> a Pari&s;h Clerk there gives the rudiments of Military Di&s;cipline to a Generall: and it is a common thing for a Basket-maker, or a Felt-maker, to confute <HI>Bel|larmine</HI> in two words, &s;aying; <HI>Bellarmine thou lye&s;t.</HI> In the Anti|podes every Cooler and Button-maker will get into a Tub, and talk to the people of Divine matters, while Schollers walk up and downe in &s;ilence, or el&s;e are faine to cry Small coale.</P>
<P>As for Love matters, the women generally wooe the men, &s;troke them and ki&s;&s;e them, and will tempt them unto wanton dalli|ance, they make the men joynctures, and the husbands give their
<PB N="5" REF="3"><!-- PDF PAGE 36 -->wives portions, and &s;ometimes the men weare petticots, and the wives weare the breeches; and they thinke it a di&s;grace to many a maid that has not plaid the feat before hand and lo&s;t her maiden-head, which is cal|led in the Antipodes Pye-corner Law. Rich men there marry beggars, and Beggars there ride a woing to old Ladies. They chu&s;e poore hone&s;t men to be common Coun&s;ell men, and the arrante&s;t drunkards are al|wayes made Con&s;tables, that they may the better reele away, comman|ding others to aid them, and young boyes are watchmen, Old &s;tale Cham|bermaids that are like a broken wicker Bottle doe there become Citizens wives, and old widdowes in the Antipodes doe marry younger brothers, onely for the recreation of their old worne bodyes: You may drinke in the Antipodes all day long in a Taverne, and though you pay nothing you &s;hall be very welcome, e&s;pecially if you have a whore with you, for then you &s;hall be lighted home to your chamber.</P>
<P>And for Traylers, there be them in the Antipodes that make &s;uits on purpo&s;e for gentlemen, which they take up, and never pay for then, it is the fa&s;hion. The women there u&s;her the men and the men come behind, and carry up their traines, holding their wives Fan in their hands, and when they look back they put off their hats, and &s;tand bare like &s;erving|men. The Prenti&s;es here domineere over their Ma&s;ters, &s;corning to carry water, or &s;weep their doores, or be out of the fa&s;hion, and while Ma&s;ters &s;tay at home in their &s;hops, they walke abroad like Free-men, and take their plea&s;ure with their wenches. It is held a very comely &s;ight in the Antipodes to &s;ee a man in bad apparrell, and a cloake lin'd with plu&s;h &s;hall not be re&s;pected &s;o much as a beggar that hath money. Carmen in the City of the Antipodes doe not load their hor&s;es, but come whi&s;tling after the Cart; and their hor&s;es have almo&s;t as much under&s;tanding as their Ma&s;ters. The Mercers and Drapers will have their wives &s;it alwayes in their Sellers, but never in their Shops; and he that proves a Banque|rupt, or mo&s;t refractory; is made the &s;oone&s;t Warden of their Company. Your Cooks goe there in white &s;attin doublets, very neat and &s;pruce, and your Barbers are very &s;lovens, and as grea&s;ie as any Sculliions. Whores there are in great e&s;teeme, and ride in Chariots, and goe there as demure|ly dre&s;t as any Nunnes, and are called holy Si&s;ters. Your gallants there are mighty preci&s;e, and will run away from a whore, while a &s;ort of peo|ple called Round-heads are your onely private Gallants for keeping of wenches. Your Merchants in the Antipodes live in great ea&s;e and wealth, whiles their wives venture their commodities abroad, and trade in all countries. There is no &s;triving in the Antipodes either to bee Clarks or
<PB N="6" REF="4"><!-- PDF PAGE 37 -->Churchwardens for tho&s;e places are alwayes conferr'd upon mo&s;t unde|&s;erving fellowes: The Clarkes can hardly read, and tho&s;e Church-war|dens are onely thought wor&s;hipfull, that doe cou&s;en the poore, and after &s;ell the bells, and then breake in policy; for breaking in the Antipodes is held one of the be&s;t trades, in the&s;e times; and to &s;hut up &s;hops in the morning, and compound for a noble in the pound, before night: this is held deep policie, and they can bring Scripture for it too: and to con|clude the City cu&s;tomes, the Hangman in the City of the Antipodes is accounted the chiefe Phy&s;itian, becau&s;e he cures all the vicious humors and knaveries of the <HI>Common-wealth,</HI> and can make a Deputy of any man.</P>
<P>Now for the Court, the fa&s;hions there are al&s;o retrograde, and contrary to other countries: there is a very mi&s;erable hou&s;e kept there, &s;o that <HI>Ci|tizens</HI> comming to <HI>Court,</HI> and finding not &s;atisfaction according to their owne &s;tomacks, they depart thence very much di&s;contended. In the Court of Antipodes, you &s;hall &s;ee water-men, and country fellowes com|plementing together with great ceremony, and conferring of pa&s;&s;ages of State and <HI>Court-newes,</HI> whiles the <HI>Courtiers</HI> play at pu&s;h-pin, nine-pins, and Pidgeon-holes; and &s;ometimes about trifling matters they goe to|gether by the eares, and the proude&s;t that is doth &s;ometimes get a fall. In the <HI>Court</HI> of Antipodes you cannot have an office for any money, un|le&s;&s;e you be of the Arminian garbe; &s;aying, ye &s;hall prey, and pray, yea cringing and bowing to the Altar: but if you are ba&s;hfull, and &s;tand be|hind a doore, whi&s;tling <HI>Fortune my foe,</HI> you &s;hall pre&s;ently bee put in &s;ome great place. Great Ladyes doe never come to the <HI>Court</HI> of An|tipodes, but milke-maids in white wa&s;coats and red petticoats, who know how to complement and &s;peak French, and are carryed about in <HI>Coaches,</HI> and <HI>Sedans</HI> by pattent. The <HI>Court</HI> foole in the Antipodes goes in the habit of a <HI>Cardinall</HI> or <HI>Bi&s;hop</HI> and will di&s;cour&s;e of all &s;erious matters, and plea&s;es the <HI>Court</HI> with a formall ignorance. The Bi&s;hops there bee all hone&s;t, preaching Bi&s;hops, not &s;tudying <HI>Court</HI> pollicy, but preferring &s;ollid divinitie: there is not one of them &s;u&s;pected to have a Pope in his belly, and an Altar in his chamber: All the <HI>Chronicles</HI> of the Antipo|des, that ever were heard of, or read in, that ever any Bi&s;hops for their goodne&s;&s;e were committed to &s;afe cu&s;tody; here a bi&s;hop once payd the foole &s;oundly; now the foole laughes in his &s;leeve, and askes, <HI>Who is the foole now?</HI> There is nothing but fa&s;ting dayes in the Court of An|tipodes, &s;o that all the Courtiers look very leane, and are nothing given to the fle&s;h, but onely of one &s;ide. The black guard are here all white men,
<PB N="7" REF="4"><!-- PDF PAGE 37 -->and are never drunke but on a Coronation day, and at other times they &s;erve for Landre&s;&s;es, while the Landre&s;&s;es &s;hew their skill in &s;couring the Court &s;pits, and dripping pans. If you are a &s;tranger, the Courtiers will carry you in to dinner, although you have no friend at Court but of all things they cannot endure Citizens wives in the Court of Antipo|des. Foot-men and hor&s;e-keepers doe there hare whores extreamely, &s;o that before they will lye with a whore, they will rather lye in the &s;table among&s;t their hor&s;es Now the King of this Countrey of Antipodes is a Prince &s;o full of vertue, that he is beloved and admired of mo&s;t of his &s;ubjects; he is a patterne to his &s;ervants, and an example to all Princes what&s;oever: for he alwayes keeps him&s;elfe in an excellent temper, and no one vanity raignes in him: and whereas before hee was attended with large multitudes, he now de&s;ires no company; if any one offend him, hee is &s;o patient and gracious that he will not offend any of his Subjects, but whereas he &s;hould pardon them, he de&s;ires they &s;hould need no pardon; he goes and meanes as plaine as any common man, and takes his pro|gre&s;&s;e alwayes in the winter: evill people dare not come neare him; or if they doe, he gives them no countenance: and when in his travailes he &s;ees great company of people gathered together, he cryes God ble&s;&s;e my loving &s;ubjects, before they can &s;ay, God &s;ave the King. In Antipo|des the King &s;eldome hunts, but the people hunt all &s;ort of bea&s;ts, but e|&s;pecially the Foxe: Any of his &s;ubjects dare doe more than he doth and not be que&s;tioned neither.</P>
<P>The King of Antipodes hath no players, but every one of his &s;ubjects &s;traines to act a part that may plea&s;e him: Some play Citizens, &s;ome countrey men, &s;ome courtiers, and &s;ome &s;ouldiers, but all in conclu&s;ion give the King great content. Hee never u&s;es any guard about him, but a certaine company of young men, who are called the guard of love, and when he rides abroad, the&s;e &s;tay at home, and other guards meet him by the way.</P>
<P>And as for beggars they will pre&s;ume in the Antipodes to come into the Kings pre&s;ence, while Gentlemen are thru&s;t out, untill the King doth entreat his Courtiers and &s;ubjects to bee obedient. In the Antipo|des the King is the poore&s;t, and cares no more for pride and ambitious honour, than if he were no King, and lives under no vanity, and guilty of no crime, there being more pride a great deale in his common &s;ubjects, both in their owne and wives apparrell.</P>
<P>Religion that was heretofore contrary unto true Divinity, &s;hall bee now Regulated and an ended, and made conformable to Divine. Scrip|tures;
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<PB N="8" REF="6"><!-- PDF PAGE 39 -->and whereas before vice, and folly, and bribery bore &s;way through many Arbitrary Courts of the whole Antipodes, it &s;hall be &s;o no more; but godline&s;&s;e &s;hall be planted in every corner thereof: &s;o that this con|fu&s;ed Countrey of Antipodes where Bi&s;hops were, and where Di|vines were V&s;urers, Gentlemen were Beggars, Prenti&s;es were Ma&s;ters, Knaves got Offices, women, madmen, Magi&s;trates did inju&s;tice, and the common people and Brewers <HI>Clarks</HI> would needs be Prie&s;ts, and main|taine that there is not one hone&s;t man now living there, that was made a Mini&s;ter by a Bi&s;hop which is &s;urviving, and &s;o <HI>all things were carried in a contrary manner to law, equity, and rea&s;on.</HI></P>
<P>Now the King of the Antipodes hath given <HI>Order,</HI> that this <HI>Countrey</HI> &s;hall in all poynts be reduced to the forme and fa&s;hion of this <HI>upper Eng|land:</HI> So that now one <HI>Serjeant</HI> &s;hall affright halfe a dozen <HI>Gentlemen,</HI> as they doe here in <HI>England;</HI> men &s;hall rule their wives if they can, as they doe here; beggars &s;hall not goe to <HI>Law,</HI> nor poore men taken into an Ho&s;pitall and be turned out before they be well, that Lawyers &s;hall make a thou&s;and beggars, as they doe here in <HI>England;</HI> and in like manner gentlemen &s;hall not runne from whores, but run to them as for|merly; &s;o that this <HI>Country</HI> (not &s;o before) in fa&s;hions and manners &s;hall now be made by <HI>Reformation</HI> as like as may be to old <HI>England;</HI> that &s;o there may be &s;oundne&s;&s;e of Doctrine, and integrity of manners in the <HI>Clergie,</HI> the pure profe&s;&s;ion of the <HI>Prote&s;tant Religion</HI> in the common people, valour, vertue, and magnanimity in the Gentry, Iu&s;tice and up|rightne&s;&s;e of dealing in the Magi&s;tracy; unity and conformity in opinion, and matters of Religion, that &s;o the Antipodes may flouri&s;h, and be hap|py as England is, under the mo&s;t pious and gracious Reigne of our Sove|raigne Lord and King.</P>
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