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<DATE>2009-08-05</DATE>
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<NAME>Mona Logarbo</NAME>
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<ITEM>Proofed and reviewed as part of batch B090715.pdcc.</ITEM>
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<DIV1 TYPE="title page">
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<P><HI>THE</HI> CHARACTER <HI>OF A</HI> LONDON DIURNALL.</P>
<P><ADD>In February.</ADD> Printed in the Yeare 1644.</P>
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<HEAD>THE <HI>CHARACTER OF A</HI> LONDON DIURNALL.</HEAD>
<P>_A <HI>Diurnall</HI> is a puny Chronicle, &s;carce pin|feather'd with the win<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">s of time: It is an Hi&s;tory in <HI>Sippets;</HI> the <GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">ngli&s;h <HI>Iliads</HI> in a Nut-&s;hell; the <HI>Apocryphal</HI> Parliaments booke of <HI>Maccabees</HI> in &s;ingle &s;heets. It would tyre a Welch-pedigree, to reckon how many aps 'tis remov'd from an Annal: For it is of that Extract; onely of the younger Hou&s;e, like a Shrimp to a Lob&s;ter. The <HI>originall &s;inner</HI> in this kind was Dutch; <HI>Gal|liobelgicus</HI> the <HI>Protopla&s;t;</HI> and the <HI>moderne Mercuries</HI> but <HI>Hans-en-Kelders.</HI> The Counte&s;&s;e of <HI>Zealand</HI> was brought to Bed of an Almanack; as many Children, as dayes in the yeare. It may be the <HI>Legi&s;lative Lady</HI> is of that Lynage; &s;o &s;he &s;pawnes the <HI>Diurnalls,</HI> and they at <HI>Westminster</HI> take them in Adoption, by the names of <HI>Scoticus, Civicus,
<PB N="2" REF="3"><!-- PDF PAGE 15 -->Britanicus.</HI> in the Fronti&s;pice of the old <HI>Beldame&punc; Diur|nall,</HI> like the Contents of the Chapter, &s;its the Hou&s;e of Commons, judging the twelve Tribes of <HI>I&s;rael.</HI> You may call them, the Kingdomes Anatomy before the weekly Ka|lender: For &s;uch is a <HI>Diurnall,</HI> the day of the moneth, with what weather in the Common-wealth. 'Tis taken for the Pul&s;e of the Body-Politique; and the Emperick-Divines of the A&s;&s;embly, tho&s;e &s;pirituall <HI>Dragooners,</HI> thumbe it accordingly. Indeed it is a pretty <HI>Synop&s;is;</HI> and tho&s;e grave <HI>Rabbyes</HI> (though in point of <HI>Divinity</HI>) trade in no larger Authors. The Country&punc; Carryer, when he buyes it for their Vicar, mi&s;calls it the <HI>&V;rinall:</HI> yet properly enough; For it ca&s;ts the water of the State, ever &s;ince it &s;taled bloud. It differs from an <HI>Aulicus,</HI> as the Devill and his Exorci&s;t; or as a black Witch doth from a white one, who&s;e office is to unravell her inchantm<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">nts.</P>
<P>It begins u&s;ually with an Ordinance, which is a Law &s;till-borne; dropt, before quickned by the Royall a&s;&s;ent: 'Tis one of the Parliaments by-blowes, (Acts onely being legi|timate) and hath no more Syre, then a Spani&s;h Gennet, that's begotten by the wind.</P>
<P>Thus their <HI>Mil<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">tia</HI> (like its Patron, <HI>Mars</HI>) is the i&s;&s;ue onely of the Mother, without the concour&s;e of royall <HI>Ju|piter.</HI></P>
<P>Y<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">t Law it is, if they Vote it, though in defiance to their <HI>Fundamentals;</HI> like the old <HI>Sexton,</HI> who &s;wore his Clock went true, what ever the Sunne &s;aid to the contrary.</P>
<P>The next <HI>Ingredient</HI> of a <HI>Diurnall</HI> is Plots, horrible plots; which with wonderfull Sagacity it hunts dry-foot, while they are yet in their Cau&s;es, before <HI>Materia prima</HI> can put on her Smock. How many &s;uch fits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdome, and (for all Sir <HI>Walter Earle</HI> looks like a Man-Midwife) not yet delivered of &s;o much, as a Cu&s;hion? But Actours mu&s;t have their Properties; And, &s;ince the Stages were voted downe, the onely Play-hou&s;e is at <HI>We&s;tmin&s;ter.</HI></P>
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Suteable to their Plots are their Informers; <HI>Skippers</HI> and <HI>Taylours;</HI> Spaniells both for the Land and the Water: <HI>Good con&s;cionable</HI> Intelligence! For however <HI>Pym's</HI> Bill may inf<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="2 letters">me the Reckoning, the hone&s;t Vermyn have not &s;o much for Lying, as the <HI>Publique Faith.</HI></P>
<P>Thus a zea<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">ous Botcher i<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter"> <HI>Morefields,</HI> while he was con|triving &s;ome <HI>Quirpo-cut</HI> of Church Government, by the help of his out-lying Eares, and the <HI>Otacou&s;ticon</HI> of the Spi|rit, di&s;covered &s;uch a Plot, that <HI>Solden</HI> intends to combate Antiquity, and maintaine it was a Taylours Goo&s;e, that pre&s;erved the <HI>Capitol.</HI></P>
<P>I wonder my Lord of <HI>Canterbury</HI> is not once more all-to-be-Traytor'd for dealing with the Lions, to &s;ettle the Commi&s;&s;ion of Array in the Tower. It would doe well to crampe the Artieles Dormant, be&s;ides the opportunity of reforming tho&s;e Bea&s;ts of the Prerogative, and changing their prophaner names of <HI>Harry</HI> and <HI>Charles,</HI> into <HI>Nehe|miah</HI> and <HI>Eleazer.</HI></P>
<P>Suppo&s;e a Corne-cutter, being to give little <HI>I&s;aack</HI> a ca&s;t of his Office, &s;hould fall to pareing his Browes, mi&s;ta|king the one end for the other; becau&s;e he branches at both. This would be a Plot; and the next <HI>Diurnall</HI> would furni&s;h you with this Seale of Votes.</P>
<P><HI>Re&s;olved</HI> upon the Que&s;tion; that this Act of the Corne-cutters was an ab&s;olute Inva&s;ion of the Cities Char|ter, in the <HI>repre&s;entative</HI> Forehead of <HI>I&s;aack.</HI> Re&s;olved, that the evill Counc<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">llors about the Corne-cutter are Po|pi&s;hly affected, and Enemies to the State. Re&s;olved, that there be a publicke Thanke&s;giving for the great delive|rance of <HI>I&s;aack's</HI> Brow-antlers; and a &s;olemne Covenant drawne up, to defye the Corne-cutter and all his workes.</P>
<P>Thus the <HI>Quixotes</HI> of this Age fight with the Wind|mil<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">s of their owne Heads; quell Mon&s;ters of their owne Creation; make Plots, and then di&s;cover them; as who fitter to unkennell the Fox, then the Tarryer, that is a part of him.</P>
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In the third place march their Adventures; the <HI>Round-heads</HI> Legend, the Rebells Romance; Stories of a larger &s;ize, then the Ea<GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">es of their Sect; able to &s;trangle the Be|liefe of a <HI>Soli-fidian.</HI></P>
<P>I'le pre&s;ent them in their order; and fir&s;t, as a Whiffeler before the &s;how, enter <HI>Stamford;</HI> one that trod the Stage with the fir&s;t, <GAP DESC="illegible" REASON="missing" EXTENT="1 letter">ravers'd his ground, made a legge and <HI>Ex|it.</HI> The Countrey People took him for one, that by Order of the Hou&s;es was to dance a Morice through the We&s;t of <HI>England:</HI> Well, hee's a nimble Gentleman; &s;et him but upon <HI>Bankes</HI> his Hor&s;e in a Saddle Rampant; and it is a great que&s;tion, which part of the Centaure &s;hewes bet|ter tricks.</P>
<P>There was a vote pa&s;&s;ing to tran&s;late him, with all his E|quipage, into Monumentall-Gingerbread: but it was cro&s;s'd by the Female-Committee, alleadging that the valour of his Image would bite their Children by the Tongues.</P>
<P>This Cubit and an halfe of Commander, by the help of a <HI>Diurnall,</HI> routed his Enemyes fifty Miles off: 'tis &s;trange you'le &s;ay; and yet it is generally beleived, he would as &s;oone doe it at that di&s;tance, as nearer hand. Sure it was his Sword, for which the weapon-&s;alve was invented; that &s;o wounding and healing, like&punc; loving <HI>Correlates,</HI> might both worke at the &s;ame removes.</P>
<P>But the Squibbe is run to the end of the Rope. Roome; for the <HI>Prodigy</HI> of <HI>Valour, Maddam-Atropos</HI> in breeche<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter"> <HI>Wa<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1+ letters">ers</HI> Knight-errantry: and, becau&s;e every <HI>Mountibanke</HI> mu&s;t have his <HI>Zany,</HI> throw him in <HI>Ha&s;lerigge,</HI> to &s;et off his &s;tory: the&s;e two, like <HI>B<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">ll</HI> and the <HI>Dragon,</HI> are alwaies wor|&s;hipped in the &s;ame Chapter: they hunt in their Couples what one doth at the head, the other &s;cores up at the heele.</P>
<P>Thus they kill a man over and over, as <HI>Hopkins</HI> and <HI>Sternhold</HI> murder the P&s;almes, with another to the &s;ame; one chimes all in, and then the other &s;trikes up, as the Saints-Bell.</P>
<P>I wonder, for how many lives my Lord <HI>Hoptons</HI> Soule tooke the Lea&s;e of his Body.</P>
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Fir&s;t, <HI>Stamford</HI> &s;lew him: then <HI>Waller</HI> out-killd that halfe a Barre: and yet it is thought the &s;ullen Corps would &s;carce bleed, were both the&s;e Man-&s;layers never &s;o neare it.</P>
<P>The fame goes of a <HI>Dutch</HI> Heads-man, that he would doe his Office with &s;o much ea&s;e and Dexterity, that the Head after Execution &s;hould &s;tand &s;till upon the &s;houl|ders: pray God Sir <HI>William</HI> be not Probationer for the place. For, as if he had the like knack too, mo&s;t of tho&s;e, whom the <HI>Diurnall</HI> hath &s;laine for him, to us poore Mortals &s;eem untoucht.</P>
<P>Thus the&s;e Artificers of Death can kill the Man, with|out wounding the Body, like lightning, that melts the Sword and never &s;inges the Scabbard.</P>
<P>This in the <HI>William,</HI> who&s;e Lady is the <HI>Conquerour;</HI> This is the <HI>Cities Champion,</HI> and the <HI>Diurnalls delight;</HI> he, that Cuckolds the Generall in his Commi&s;&s;ion: for he &s;talkes with <HI>E&s;&s;ex,</HI> and &s;hootes under his Belly, becau&s;e his Oxcellency him&s;elfe is not charged there. Yet in all this Triumph there is a whip and a Bell: Tran&s;late but the Scene to <HI>Round-way-downe:</HI> There <HI>Ha&s;l<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">riggs</HI> Lob&s;ters were turnd into Crabs, and crawl'd backwards; there poore Sir <HI>William</HI> ranne to his Lady for a u&s;e of con&s;ola|tion.</P>
<P>But the <HI>Diurnall</HI> is weary of the Arme of fle&s;h, and now begins an <HI>Ho&s;anna</HI> to <HI>Cromwell,</HI> one that hath beate up his Drummes cleane through the Old Te&s;tament: you may learne the Genealogy of our Saviour, by the names in his Regiment: The Mu&s;ter-Ma&s;ter u&s;es no other Li&s;t, then the fir&s;t Chapter of <HI>Matthew.</HI></P>
<P>With what face can they object to the King the bring|ing in of Forraigners, when them&s;elves intertaine &s;uch an Army of <HI>Hebrews?</HI> This <HI>Cromwell</HI> is never &s;o valorous, as when he is making Speeches for the A&s;&s;ociation, which neverthele&s;&s;e he doth &s;omewhat ominou&s;ly, with his
<PB N="6" REF="5"><!-- PDF PAGE 17 -->Neck awry, holding up his Eare, as if he expected <HI>Maho|met-Pidgeon</HI> to come, and prompt him: He &s;hould be a Bird of Prey too, by his bloody Beake: his No&s;e is able to try a young E<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">gle, whether &s;he be lawfully begotten. But all is not Gold that gli&s;ters: What we wonder at in the re&s;t of them, is naturall to him; to kill without Blood|&s;hed: For mo&s;t of his Trophees are in a Church-Window; when a Looking-Gla&s;&s;e would &s;hew him more &s;uper&s;titi|on: He is &s;o perfect a hater of Images, that he hath de|faced Gods in his owne Countenance: If he deale with Men, it is when he takes them napping in an old Monu|ment: Then downe goes Du&s;t and A&s;hes. And the &s;tou|te&s;t Cavalier is no better. O brave <HI>Oliver!</HI> Times voy|der, Sub-&s;izer to the Wormes; in whom Death, that for|merly devoured our Ance&s;tors, now chewes the Cud: He &s;ayd Grace once, as if he would have falne aboard with the Marqui&s;&s;e of <HI>New-ca&s;tle:</HI> Nay, and the <HI>Diurnall</HI> gave you his Bill of Fare; But it prov'd but a Running Banquet, as appeares by the Story. Believe him as hee whi&s;tles to his <HI>Cambridge Teeme</HI> of Committy-men; and he doth Wor|ders. But Holy men (like the <HI>Holy language</HI>) mu&s;t be read backwards. They rifle Colledges, to promote Learning; and pull downe Churches for Edification. But Sacriledge is entailed upon him: There mu&s;t be a <HI>Cromwell</HI> for Ca|thedralls, as well as Abbyes: A &s;ecure &s;inner, who&s;e of|fence carries its Pardon in its Mouth: For how can he be hang'd for Church-robbery, which gives it &s;elfe the Bene|fit of the Clergy.</P>
<P>But for all <HI>Cromwells</HI> No&s;e weares the Dominicall Letter, yet compared with <HI>Manche&s;ter,</HI> he is but like the <HI>Vigils</HI> to an Holy-day. This, this is the man of God; &s;o &s;anctified a Thunder-bolt, that <HI>Burrowes</HI> in a pro|portionable bla&s;phemy to his <HI>Lords of Ho&s;ts,</HI> would &s;tile him the <HI>Arch-Angell,</HI> giving Battle to the Di|vell.</P>
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Indeed as the Angels, each of them makes a &s;everall, <HI>Species;</HI> &s;o every one of his Souldiers is a di&s;tinct Church. Had the&s;e Bea&s;t<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter"> beene to enter the Arke, it would have puzled <HI>Noah</HI> to have &s;orted them into Paires. If ever there were a Rope of Sand, it was &s;o many Sects twi&s;ted into an A&s;&s;ociation.</P>
<P>They agree in nothing, but that they are all <HI>Adamites</HI> in Vnder&s;tanding: It is the &s;igne of a Coward, to <HI>winke</HI> and <HI>Fight;</HI> yet all their Valour proceedes from their <HI>Igno|rance.</HI></P>
<P>But I wonder whence their Generals Purity proceedes, it is not by <HI>Traduction:</HI> if he was begotten Saint, it was by Equivocall Generation: for the Devill in the Father, is turn'd Monke in the Sonne; &s;o his godline&s;&s;e is of the &s;ame Parentage with good Lawes; both extracted out of bad Manners; and would he alter the Scripture, as he hath at|tempted the Creed, he might vary the Text, and &s;ay to Corruption, Thou art my <HI>Father.</HI></P>
<P>This is he, that hath put out one of the Kingdoms eyes, by clouding our Mother-Vniver&s;ity, and (if the Scotch|mi&s;t further prevaile) will extingui&s;h thi<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter"> other: He hath the like quarrell to both; becau&s;e both are &s;trung with the &s;ame <HI>Optick Nerve, knowing Loyalty.</HI> Barbarous: Rebell! who will be reveng'd upon all Learning, becau&s;e his Trea|&s;on is beyond the Mercy of the Book.</P>
<P>The <HI>Diurnall</HI> a<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter"> yet hath not talk't much of his Victo|ries: but there is the more behind: For the Knight mu&s;t alwaies beat the Gyant; That's re&s;olv'd. If any thing fall out ami&s;&s;e, which cannot be &s;mothered, the <HI>Diurnall</HI> hath a Help at Mawe; It is but putting to Sea, and taking a <HI>Da|ni&s;h Fleet;</HI> or Brewing it with &s;ome &s;ucce&s;&s;e out of <HI>Ireland;</HI> and it goes downe merrily.</P>
<P>There are more Puppets, that move by the Wyre of a <HI>Diurnall;</HI> as <HI>Brereton</HI> and <HI>Gell;</HI> two of <HI>Mars</HI> his Petty|toes, &s;uch &s;niveling Cowards, that it is a favour, to call
<PB N="8" REF="6"><!-- PDF PAGE 18 -->them &s;o, was <HI>Brereton</HI> to fight with his teeth as in all other things he re&s;embles the bea&s;t, he would have odds of any man at the weapon; O he's a terrible &s;laughterman at a Thanke<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">-giving Dinner, had he been a <HI>Canniball</HI> to have eaten tho&s;e that he vanqui&s;h'd, his gut would have made him valiant.</P>
<P>The greate&s;t wonder is at <HI>Fairfax;</HI> how he comes to be a Babe of Grace? Certainly it is not in his per&s;onall, but (as the <HI>State Sophies</HI> di&s;tingui&s;h) in his Politique Capacity; regenerated <HI>ab extra,</HI> by the zeale of the Hou&s;e he &s;ate in, as Chickens are hatcht at <HI>Grand Cairo,</HI> by the Adoption of an Oven.</P>
<P>There is the <HI>Wood-Monger</HI> too, a feeble crutch to a de|clining cau&s;e; a new Branch of the old <HI>Oake</HI> of <HI>Reformati|on.</HI></P>
<P>And now I &s;peake of Reformation, <HI>vous avez Fox,</HI> the Tinker; the livelie&s;t Embleme of it that may be; For what did this Parliament ever goe about to reforme, but Tinker-wife; in mending one Hole they made three.</P>
<P>But I have not Inke enough to cure all the Tetters and Ring-wormes of the State.</P>
<P>I will clo&s;e up all thus. The Victories of the Rebells are like the Magicall combate of <HI>Apuleius;</HI> who, thinking he had &s;lain three of his Enemie<GAP DESC="illegible" EXTENT="1 letter">, found them at la&s;t, but a Triumvirate, of Bladders. Such, and &s;o empty, are the Triumphs of a <HI>Diurnall:</HI> but &s;o many impo&s;tumated Fan|cies, &s;o many Bladders of their own Blowing.</P>
<TRAILER>FINIS.</TRAILER>
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