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<DATE>2011-03-14</DATE>
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<NAME>Olivia Bottum</NAME>
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<ITEM>Did text and markup review.</ITEM>
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<BIBNO T="oclc">11699639</BIBNO>
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<P><HI>THE A&s;&s;embly-man;</HI></P>
<P>Written by Sir <HI>John Birkenhead;</HI> in the Year <HI>1647.</HI></P>
<BIBL><HI>&THgr;&Egr;&Ogr;&PHgr;&Rgr;&Agr;&Sgr;&Tgr;. &KHgr;&agr;&rgr;&agr;&kgr;&tgr; &igr;&ggr;&keraia; &pgr;&egr;&rgr;&iacugr; &Pgr;&Egr;&Rgr;&Igr;&Egr;&Rgr;&Ggr;&Igr;&Agr;&Sgr;.</HI></BIBL>
<Q><HI>&Dgr;</HI><GAP DESC="foreign">.</Q>
<P><HI>i.e.</HI></P>
<Q>He &s;editiou&s;ly &s;tirs up men to fight: he'll teach others the way whereof him&s;elf is mo&s;t ignorant; and per&s;uades men to take an Oath, becau&s;e him&s;elf had &s;worn it before.</Q>
<P><HI>LONDON, Printed for</HI> W. Davis, Anno Dom. <HI>1681/2.</HI></P>
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<OPENER><SALUTE>READER,</SALUTE></OPENER>
<P>THis Pamphlet was torn from me by tho&s;e who &s;ay they can|not rob, becau&s;e all is theirs. They found it where it &s;lept ma|ny years forgotten; but they 'waken'd it, and made fal&s;e Tran&s;cripts. They <HI>Exciz'd</HI> what they liked not; &s;o mangled and <HI>Reform'd,</HI> that 'twas no Character of an <HI>A&s;&s;embler,</HI> but of them&s;elves. A Copy of that <HI>Reformling</HI> had crept to the Pre&s;s. I &s;eiz'd and &s;topt it, unwilling to Father other mens &s;ins. Here therefore you have it (as 'twas fir&s;t &s;cribled) without addition of a &s;yllable; I wi&s;h I dur&s;t &s;ay here's nothing lopt off. But men and manners are chang'd, at lea&s;t they &s;ay &s;o. If yet this trifle &s;eem born with teeth, you know who&s;e hands were knuckle-deep in the blood of that renouned Chancellor of <HI>Oxon</HI> (Arch-bi&s;hop <HI>LAUD</HI>) though when they cut up that great Martyr, his two greate&s;t Crimes were the two greate&s;t Glories <HI>Great Britain</HI> can boa&s;t of, <HI>St. Paul's Church</HI> and the <HI>Oxford Library.</HI> Where you find no coherence, remember this Paper hath &s;uffer'd <HI>De|cimation:</HI> Better times have made it wor&s;e, and that's no fault of.</P>
<CLOSER><SIGNED>J. Berkenhead.</SIGNED></CLOSER>
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<PB N="11" REF="2">
<HEAD>THE A&s;&s;embly-man.</HEAD>
<P>AN <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> is part of the <HI>State,'</HI> Chattels: nor <HI>Prie&s;t,</HI> nor <HI>Burge&s;s,</HI> but a <HI>Participle</HI> that &s;hark's upon both. He was cho&s;en, as Sir <HI>Nathaniel,</HI> becau&s;e he knew lea&s;t of all his Profe&s;sion: not by the Votes of a Whole Dioce&s;e, but by one whole Parliament-man. He ha's &s;ate four years <HI>towards</HI> a new Religion, but in the interim left none at all: as his Ma&s;ters, the <HI>Commons</HI> had along Debate <HI>whether Can&aacute;les or no Candles,</HI> but all the mean while &s;ate &s;till in the Dark: And therefore when the Moon quits her old Light, and has acquir'd no new, A&s;tronomeres &s;ay &s;he is in her <HI>Synodes,</HI> Shew me &s;uch a Picture of <HI>Judas</HI> as the <HI>A&s;&s;embler,</HI> (a grip|ing, fal&s;e, Reforming Brother; rail's at <HI>Wa&s;te</HI> &s;pent upon the <HI>Anointed;</HI> per|&s;ecutes mo&s;t tho&s;e Hands which <HI>Ordain'd</HI> him; brings in <HI>men with &s;words and &s;tates;</HI> and all for Money from the Honourable <HI>Scribes</HI> and <HI>Phari&s;ees:</HI>) One Touch more (a Line tyed to his Name-&s;ake <HI>Elder-tree</HI>) had made him <HI>Judas,</HI> Root and Branch. This <HI>A&s;&s;embly</HI> at fir&s;t was a full Century; which &s;hould be reckon'd as the Scholia&s;t's <HI>Hecatomb,</HI> by their Feet, not Heads: or count them by Scores, for in things without Heads Six-&s;core go to an Hnndred. They would be a New <HI>Septuagint;</HI> the Old tran&s;lated Scripture out of <HI>He|berw</HI> into <HI>Greek,</HI> the&s;e turn in to <HI>four &s;hillings a day.</HI> And and the&s;e <HI>A&s;&s;emblers</HI> were begot in one day, as <HI>Hercules's</HI> fifty Ba&s;tards all in one night. Their fir&s;t Li&s;t was &s;prinkled with &s;ome names of Honour, (Dr. <HI>Sander&s;on,</HI> Dr. <HI>Morley</HI>-Dr. <HI>Hammond, &amp;e,</HI>) But the&s;e were <HI>Divines;</HI> too worthy to mix with &s;uch <HI>&s;can|dalous Mini&s;ters,</HI> and would not <HI>A&s;&s;emble</HI> without the <HI>Royal Call.</HI> Nay, the fir&s;t Li&s;t had one Archbi&s;hop, one Bi&s;hop, and an Half, (for Bi&s;hop <HI>Brownrigg</HI> was then but <HI>Elect.</HI>) But now their <HI>A&s;&s;embly</HI> (as Philo&s;ophers think the World) con&s;i&s;ts of <HI>Atoms;</HI> petty &s;mall Levites, who&s;e <HI>Parts</HI> are not <HI>perceptible.</HI> And yet the&s;e inferior po&s;tern Teachers have intoxicated <HI>England</HI> (for a man &s;ome|times grow's drunk by a Gli&s;ter.) When they all meet, they &s;hew Bea&s;ts in <HI>A&s;rick</HI> by promi&s;cuous coupling engender Mon&s;ters. Mr. <HI>Selden</HI> vi&s;it's them (as <HI>Per&s;ians</HI> u&s;e) to &s;ee <HI>wild A&s;&s;es</HI> fight: when the <HI>Commons</HI> have tyr'd him with their new Law, the&s;e Bretheren refre&s;h him with their mad Go&s;pel: They lately were gravell'd 'twixt <HI>Jeru&s;alem</HI> and <HI>Jerico;</HI> they knew not the di&s;t|ance 'twixt tho&s;e two places; one cry'd twenty miles, another ten, 'twas con|cluded &s;even, for this rea&s;on, that <HI>Fi&s;h was brought from</HI> Jericho <HI>to</HI> Jeru&s;alem
<PB N="13" REF="3"><HI>market:</HI> Mr <HI>Selden</HI> &s;mil'd and &s;aid <HI>perhaps the Fi&s;h, was &s;alt Fi&s;h</HI> and &s;o &s;topp'd their mouths. Earl <HI>Philip</HI> goes thither to hear them <HI>&s;pend;</HI> when he heard them to&s;s their <HI>National, Provincial, Cla&s;&s;ical, Congregational;</HI> he &s;wore <HI>damnably,</HI> that a pack of good Dogs made better Mu&s;ick: His Allu&s;ion was porper, &s;ince the <HI>Elder's Maid</HI> had a four-legg'd Husband. To &s;peak truth, this <HI>A&s;&s;embly</HI> is the <HI>two Hou&s;es</HI> Tiring-room where the <HI>Lords</HI> and the <HI>Commons</HI> put on their Vi&s;ards and Ma&s;ques of Religion. And their <HI>Honors</HI> have &s;o <HI>&s;ifted</HI> the Church, that at la&s;t they have found the <HI>Bran</HI> of the Clergy. Yet &s;uch poor Church-menders mu&s;t Reform and &s;huffle: though they find Church Government may a thou&s;and wayes be changed for the wor&s;e, but not one way for the better. The&s;e have lately publi&s;h'd <HI>Annotations</HI> on the Bible, where their fir&s;t Note (on the word <HI>CREATE</HI>) is a Libel again&s;t Kings for creating of Honors. Their <HI>Annotation</HI> on <HI>Jacob's</HI> two Kids, is, that <HI>two Kids are too much for one man's &s;upper:</HI> but <HI>he had</HI> (&s;ay they) <HI>but one Kid and the other made Sauce.</HI> They ob&s;erve upon <HI>Herod,</HI> what a Tyrant he was, to kill Infants under two years old, <HI>without</HI> giving <HI>them legal Trial,</HI> that they might &s;peake for them&s;elves. Commonly they follow the <HI>Geneva</HI> Margin, as tho&s;e Sea-men who under&s;tood not the <HI>Compa&s;s</HI> crept a long the Shore. But <HI>I</HI> hear they threaten a <HI>&s;econd Edition,</HI> and in the interim thru&s;t forth a paultry <HI>Catechi&s;m,</HI> which expounds Nine <HI>Commandements,</HI> and Eleven Articles of the <HI>Creed.</HI> Of late they are much in love with <HI>Chronograms,</HI> becau&s;e (if po&s;&s;ible) they are duller than <HI>Anagrams;</HI> O how they have torn the poor Bi&s;hops names to pick out the number 666! little dreaming that a whole Bakers dozen of their own A&s;&s;embly have that bea&s;tly number in each of their Names, and that as exactly as their <HI>Solemn League</HI> and <HI>Covenant</HI> con|&s;i&s;t's of 666 words. But though the <HI>A&s;&s;embler's</HI> Brains are Lead, his Coun|tenance is Bra&s;s; for he damned &s;uch as held two benefices, while him|&s;elf has four or five, be&s;ides his Concubine <HI>Lecture.</HI> He is not again&s;t <HI>Plu|ralities,</HI> but <HI>Dualities;</HI> He &s;ays it is unlawful to have two of his own, though four of other mens; and ob&s;erves how the Hebrew word for <HI>Life</HI> has no &s;ingular number. Yet it is &s;ome relief to a &s;eque&s;tred per&s;on to &s;ee two <HI>A&s;&s;emblers</HI> &s;narl for his Tithes; for of all kind of Bea&s;ts none can match an <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> but an <HI>A&s;&s;embler.</HI> He never enters a Church by the Door, but clambers up through a Window of <HI>Seque&s;tration,</HI> or &s;teals in through Vaults and Cellars by Clande&s;tine Contracts with an Expecting Patron. He is mo&s;t &s;ure no Law can hurt him, for Laws dyed in <HI>England</HI> the year before the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> was born. The be&s;t way to hold him, is (as our King <HI>Richard</HI> bound the King of <HI>Cyprus</HI>) in <HI>&s;ilver chains.</HI> He loves to di&s;cour&s;e of the <HI>New Jeru&s;alem,</HI> becau&s;e her &s;treets are of fine <HI>Gold;</HI> and yet could like <HI>London</HI> as well, were <HI>Cheap&s;ide</HI> paved with the <HI>Philo&s;opher's &s;tone.</HI> Nay, he would &s;ay his Prayers with <HI>Beads,</HI> if he might have a Set made of all Diamonds: This, this is it which tempts him to &s;uch mad Articles again&s;t the <HI>Loyal Clergy,</HI>
<PB N="12" REF="3">whom he dre&s;&s;es as he would have them appear; ju&s;t as the Ballad of <HI>Dr. Fau&s;tus</HI> brings forth the Devil in a <HI>Friars weed.</HI> He accu&s;ed one Mini&s;ter, for &s;aying <HI>the ble&s;&s;ed Virgin was the Mother of God,</HI> (<GAP DESC="foreign">, as the Ancients call her.) Another he charged for a common Drunkard, whom all the Country knows has drunk nothing but Water the&s;e 26 years. But the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> him&s;elf can drink Widows Tears though their husbands are not dead. Sure, if <HI>Paracel&s;u&s;'s</HI> Doctrine were true, (that <HI>to cat creatures alive will perpetuate man's life</HI>) the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> were imortal, for he &s;wallows quick Men, Wives, and Children; and devours <HI>Lives</HI> as well as <HI>Livings;</HI> as if he were born in that Pagan Province where <HI>None might marry till he had Killed twelve Chri&s;tians.</HI> This makes him kneel to Lieutenant General <HI>Crom|wel</HI> (as <HI>Indians</HI> to the Devil;) for he &s;aw how <HI>Oliver</HI> fir&s;t threw&mdash;, then&mdash; and can with a wink do as much for&mdash;: Like <HI>Milo</HI> in the <HI>Olympicks,</HI> by practi&s;ing on a <HI>Calf</HI> grew &s;trong enough for a <HI>Bull,</HI> and could with ca&s;e give a lift to an <HI>A&s;&s;e.</HI> The great Turk was &s;ending his Amba&s;&s;ador, to con|gratulate the <HI>A&s;&s;emblies</HI> Proceedings again&s;t the <HI>Chri&s;tians;</HI> He Ordered them Thanks for Licencing his <HI>Alcoran</HI> to be printed in <HI>Engli&s;h;</HI> but hearing <HI>Ottoman Cromwel</HI> had talked of <HI>marching to the Walls of Con&s;tantinople,</HI> that Emba&s;&s;y was &s;topt. The only difference 'twixt the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> and a <HI>Turk,</HI> is, that one plants Religion by the <HI>power of the Sword,</HI> and the other by the power of the <HI>Cymeter.</HI> Nay, the greate&s;t &s;trife in their whole Conventicle, is who &s;hall do wor&s;t; for they all intend to make the Church but a <HI>Sepul|chre,</HI> having not only <HI>Plunder'd</HI> but <HI>Anatomiz'd</HI> all the true Clergy; who&s;e torment is hight'ned in being de&s;troyed by &s;uch dull in&s;truments; as the Prophet <HI>I&s;aiah</HI> was &s;awn to pieces with a <HI>wooden Saw.</HI> The <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> wond&egrave;rs that the King and his Friends live &s;till in hope; he thinks them all in St. <HI>Clemens</HI>'s ca&s;e, drown'd with an Anchor tyed about his neck. He has now got power to vi&s;it the Univer&s;ities; where the&s;e blinking <HI>Vi|&s;itors</HI> look on eminent Scholars (as the Blind-man who &s;aw <HI>men</HI> like <HI>Trees</HI>) as Timber growing within the Root-and-Branch <HI>Ordinance.</HI> The <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> has now left Scholars &s;o poor, they have &s;carce Rags wherewith to make Paper. A man would think the <HI>Two hou&s;es</HI> intend to tran&s;port the <HI>&V;niver|&s;ities,</HI> &s;ince they load <HI>A&s;&s;es</HI> with Colledge-Revenues. For though the&s;e <HI>A&s;|&s;emblers</HI> made them&s;elves <HI>Heads,</HI> they are rather <HI>Hands</HI> of Colledges, for they all are takers, and take all. And yet they are &s;uch creeping Tyrants, that Scholars are Expell'd the two <HI>&V;niver&s;ities,</HI> as the old <HI>Thracians,</HI> fore'd from their Countrey by Rats and Mice. So that Learning now is &s;o much advanced, as <HI>Arrow&s;mith's</HI> Gla&s;s-eye &s;ees more then his natural. They never admit a good &s;cholar to a Benefice, for the <HI>A&s;&s;emblies</HI> Balance is the <HI>Lake</HI> of <HI>Sodom,</HI> where Iron &s;wims and Feathers &s;ink. Their Divinity-Di&s;|putations are with Women or Lay-men; and 'tis only on one Que&s;tion (<HI>Epi&s;copacy</HI>) where the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> talks all that he and his friends can &s;ay,
<PB N="14" REF="4">(though his be&s;t <HI>medium</HI> to prove <HI>Presbyters</HI> more antient than <HI>Bi&s;hops,</HI> is, that <HI>Scribes, Phari&s;ees, Prie&s;ts</HI> and <HI>Elders</HI> where before the <HI>Apo&s;tels;</HI>) Yet if a Scholar or good Argument come, he flies them as much as if they were his Text. This made him cur&s;e Dr. <HI>Steward,</HI> Dr. <HI>Laney</HI> and Dr. <HI>Hammond,</HI> and had he not had more Bra&s;s in his Face than in his Kitchin, he had hang'd him&s;elf at <HI>&V;xbridge,</HI> and ended with that <HI>Treaty.</HI> For he has naught of <HI>Logick,</HI> but her <HI>clutch'd &s;i&s;t,</HI> and rail's at <HI>Philo&s;ophy</HI> as Beggars do at Gen|tlemen. He has very bad luck when he deals in <HI>Philologie,</HI> as one of them (and that no mean man) who in his preface to the Reader, &s;ayes, that St. <HI>Paul had read Eu&s;tathius upon Homer,</HI> though the <HI>Apo&s;tle dyed a</HI> thou&s;and years before <HI>Eu&s;tathius</HI> was born. The <HI>A&s;&s;embers</HI> Dyet is &s;trangely different, for he dines wretchedly on dry Bread at <HI>We&s;tmin&s;ter;</HI> four <HI>A&s;&s;emblers</HI> for 13 pence: But this &s;harpens and <HI>Whats him</HI> for &s;upper, where he feeds gratis with his City-Landlord, to whom he brings a huge Stomach and News; for which Cramm'd Capons cram him. <HI>He</HI> &s;crews into Families where is &s;ome rich Daughter or Heir; but whoever takes him into their bo&s;om, will dye like <HI>Cleopatra.</HI> VVhen it rains he is Coach'd (a <HI>Cla&s;&s;is</HI> of them together) rouling his Eyes to mark who beholds him. His &s;horte&s;t things are his hair and his Cloack. His hair is cut to the figure of 3; two high Cliffs run up his Temples, who&s;e Cap of &s;horn hair &s;hoots down his Forehead, with Creeks indented, where his Ears ride at Anchor. Had this fal&s;e Prophet been carryed with <HI>Habbakuk,</HI> the <HI>Angel</HI> had caught fa&s;t hold of his <HI>Ears,</HI> and led him as he leads his Auditory. His Eyes are part of his Tithe at <HI>Ea&s;ter,</HI> which he boyles at each Sermon. He has two Mouths, his No&s;e is one, for he &s;peaks through both. His hands are not in his Gloves but his Gloves in his Hands, for 'cwixt &s;weatings that is, Sermons, he handles little el&s;e, except his dear Mammon. His Gown (I mean his Cloak) reaches but his pockets: when he rides in that mantle, with a Hood on his &s;houlders and a hat above both, is he not then his own <HI>Man of &s;in</HI> with the <HI>Triple Crown?</HI> you would &s;wear &s;ome hone&s;t Carpenter dre&s;s'd him, and made him the Tunnel of a Country Chimney. His Doublet and Ho&s;e are of dark Blew, a grain deeper than pure <HI>Coventry:</HI> but of late he's in Black, &s;ince the Loyal Clergy were per&s;ecuted into Colors. His two lo ge&s;t things are his <HI>Nayls</HI> and his <HI>Prayer.</HI> But the cleane&s;t thing about him is his <HI>Pulpit-Cu&s;hion,</HI> for he &s;till beats the Du&s;t out of it. To do him right. commonly he wears a pair of good Lungs, whereby he turns the Church into a Belfry, for his Clapper makes &s;uch a Din, you cannot hear the <HI>Cym|ball</HI> for the <HI>Tinkling.</HI> If his pulpit be large he walks his Round, and &s;peaks as from a Garri&s;on, (his own Neck is Palizado'd with a Ruff) VVhen he fir&s;t enters his prayer before Sermon, he winks and ga&s;ps, and ga&s;ps and winks, as if he prepared to preach in another world, He &s;eems in a &s;lumber, then in a Dream; then rumbles a while; at la&s;t &s;ounds forth, and then throws
<PB N="15" REF="4">&s;o much Dirt and Non-&s;ence towards Heaven, as he dur&s;t not offer to a Member of Parliament. Now becau&s;e Scripture bids him <HI>not cur&s;e the King in</HI> his <HI>thought,</HI> he does it in his Pulpit by word of mouth; though heaven &s;trike him Dumb in the very Act, as it did <HI>Hill</HI> at <HI>Cambridge,</HI> who while he pray'd, <HI>Depo&s;e Him, O Lord, who would depo&s;e us,</HI> was made the <HI>dumb Devil.</HI> This (one would think) &s;hould <HI>gargle</HI> his foul mouth. For his only hope why God &s;hould hear him again&s;t the King, is the Devil him&s;elf (that great <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI>) was heard again&s;t <HI>Job.</HI> His whole prayer is &s;uch an irrational Bleating, that (without a Metaphor) 'tis the <HI>Calves of his Lipps:</HI> And commonly 'tis larded with fine new words, as <HI>Savingable, Muchly, Chri&s;t-Je&s;u&s;nes,</HI> &amp;c. and yet he has the face to preach again&s;t <HI>Prayer in an unknown Tongue.</HI> Sometimes he is founder'd, and then there is &s;uch hideous Coughing: But that is very &s;eldom, for he can glibly run over Non-&s;ence, as an empty Cart trundles down a Hill. VVhen the King girt round the Earl of <HI>E&s;&s;ex</HI> at <HI>Le&s;tythiell,</HI> an <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> complained that <HI>God had drawn his People into the Wilderne&s;s,</HI> and told Him, <HI>He was bound in honour to feed them; for, Lord,</HI> &s;aid he, <HI>&s;ince, thou give&s;t them no Meat, we pray thee, O Lord, to give them no Stomachs.</HI> He tore the <HI>Liturgie,</HI> becau&s;e, for&s;ooth, it &s;hackled his Spirit, (he would be a Devil without a <HI>circle;</HI>) and now if he &s;ee the Book of <HI>Common-prayer,</HI> the fire &s;ees it next, as &s;ure as the Bi&s;hops were burned who compiled it. Yet he has mercy on <HI>Hopkins</HI> and <HI>Sternhold,</HI> becau&s;e their <HI>Meeters</HI> are &s;ung without Authority (no Statute, Canon, or Injunction at all;) only like him&s;elf, fir&s;t crept into private hou&s;es; and then into Church|es. Mr. <HI>Rous</HI> moved tho&s;e <HI>Meeters</HI> might be &s;eque&s;tred, and his own new Rithmes to enjoy the &s;eque&s;tration; but was refu&s;ed becau&s;e <HI>John Hopkins</HI> was as ancient as <HI>John Calvin;</HI> Be&s;ides, when <HI>Rous</HI> &s;tood forth for his Trial, <HI>Robin Wi&s;dom</HI> was found the better Poet. 'Tis true, they have a <HI>Di|rectory,</HI> but 'tis good for nothing but <HI>Adoniram,</HI> who &s;old the <HI>Original</HI> for 400 <ABBR>l.</ABBR> And the Book mu&s;t &s;erve both <HI>England</HI> and <HI>Scotland</HI> as the <HI>Directory Needle</HI> point's North and South. The <HI>A&s;&s;embler's</HI> only ingenuity is, that he prays for an <HI>ex tempore</HI> Spirit, &s;ince his Con&s;cience tells him he has no Learning. His prayer thus ended, he then looks round, to ob&s;erve the Sex of his Congregation, and accordingly turns the Apo&s;tle's Men, Fathers, and Brethren, into Dear Brethren and Si&s;ters. For, his u&s;ual Auditory is mo&s;t-part Female; and as many Si&s;ters flock to him, as at <HI>Paris</HI> on Saint <HI>Marga|rets</HI> day, when all come to Church that are, or hope to be with child that year. He divides his Text as he did the Kingdom, makes one part fight again&s;t another: or as <HI>Burges</HI> divides the Dean of <HI>Paul's</HI> Hou&s;e, not in|to parts, but Tenements, that is, &s;o as 'twill yield mo&s;t money. And pro|perly they are Tenements, for each part mu&s;t be dwelt upon, though him&s;elf comes near it but once a quarter; and &s;o his Text is rather let out than <HI>Divided.</HI> Yet &s;ometimes (to &s;hew his skill in <HI>Keckermen,</HI>) he <HI>Butchers</HI> a
<PB N="16" REF="5">Text, cuts it (ju&s;t as the <HI>Levite</HI> did his <HI>Concubine</HI>) into many dead parts, breaking the &s;ence and words all to pieces, and then they are not divided, but &s;hattered like the Splinters of <HI>Don Quixot's</HI> Lance. If his Text be to the occa&s;ion, his fir&s;t Di&s;h is <HI>Apples of Gold, in Pictures of Silver;</HI> yet tells not the People what Pictures tho&s;e were. His Sermon and prayer grin at each o|ther, the one is <HI>Presbyterian,</HI> the other Independent, for he preaches up the <HI>Cla&s;ses,</HI> yet prays for the Army. Let his Doctrine and Rea&s;on be what they will, his <HI>&V;&s;e is &s;till to &s;ave his Benefice and augment his Lecture.</HI> He talks much of <HI>Truth,</HI> but abhorrs <HI>Peace,</HI> le&s;t it &s;trip him as <HI>naked</HI> as <HI>Truth;</HI> and therefore hates a per&s;onal Treaty, unle&s;s with a Si&s;ter. He has a rare &s;imp|ering way of expre&s;&s;ions he calls a Marryed Couple <HI>Saints that enjoy the mi&s;te|ry;</HI> &amp; a man Drunk, is <HI>a Brother full of the Creature.</HI> Yet at Wedding Sermors he is very familiar, &amp; (like that Picture in the Church at <HI>Leyden</HI>) &s;hews <HI>Adam</HI> &amp; <HI>Eve</HI> without <HI>Figleaves.</HI> At Funerals he gives infallible Signs that the Party is gone to Heaven, but his chief Mark of a <HI>child of God,</HI> is <HI>to be good to God's Mini&s;ters.</HI> And hence it is he calls his Preachment <HI>Manna,</HI> fitted not to his hearers <HI>Nece&s;&s;ity,</HI> but their <HI>Palat;</HI> for 'tis to feed him&s;elf, not them. If he chance to tire, he refre&s;hes him&s;elf with the Peoples Hum, as a Collar of Bells to chear up a Pack-hor&s;e. 'Tis no wonder he'll preach, but that any will hear him, (and his con&s;tant Auditors do but &s;hew the length of their Ears;) For he is &s;uch an' A <GAP DESC="foreign">, that to hear him makes good Scholars &s;ick, but to read him is death. Yet though you heard him three hours he'll ask a fourth, as the Beggar at <HI>Delph</HI> craves your Charity <HI>becau&s;e he cats four pound of Bread at a Meal.</HI> 'Twas from his Larum the <HI>Watch-makers</HI> learn'd their <HI>infinite Skrew.</HI> His Gla&s;s and Text are equaly handled, that is, once an hour: nay &s;ometimes be &s;ally's and never returns, and then we &s;hould leave him to the Company of <HI>Lorimers,</HI> for he mu&s;t be held with Bit and Bridle. Who ever once has been at his Church can never doubt the Hi&s;tory of <HI>Balaam.</HI> If he have got any new Tale or Expre&s;&s;ion, 'tis ea&s;ier to make &s;tones &s;peak than him to hold his peace. He hates a Church where there is an <HI>Eccho,</HI> for it Robs him of his dear <HI>Repetition,</HI> and con|founds the Auditory as well as he. But of all Mortals I admire the <HI>Short-hand-men,</HI> who have the patience to write from his Mouth: had they the art to &s;horten it into Sen&s;e, they might write his whole Sermon on the back of their Nail. For his Invention con&s;i&s;ts in finding a way to &s;peak nothing upon any thing; and were he in the <HI>Grand Seignior's</HI> power, he would lodge him with his <HI>Mutes;</HI> for <HI>Nothing</HI> and <HI>Nothing to purpo&s;e</HI> are all one. <HI>I</HI> wonder in con&s;cience he can preach again&s;t <HI>Sleeping</HI> at his <HI>Opium</HI>-Sermons. He preaches indeed both in &s;ea&s;on and out of &s;ea&s;on; for he rayl's at Popery; when the Land is almo&s;t lo&s;t in Presbytery; and would cry out <HI>Fire, Fire,</HI> in <HI>Noah's Flood.</HI> Yet all this he &s;o acts with his Hands, that in this &s;ence too his Preaching is an <HI>Handicraft.</HI> Nor can we complain that Plays
<PB N="17" REF="5">are put down while he can preach; &s;ave only his <HI>Sermons</HI> have wor&s;e &s;ence and le&s;s truth. But he blew down the Stage and preach'd up the <HI>Scaffold.</HI> And very wi&s;ely, le&s;t men &s;hould track him, and find where he pilfers all his be&s;t <HI>Simile's,</HI> (the only thing wherein he is commendable, St <HI>Paul</HI> him|&s;elf having cull'd Sentences from <HI>Menander's Thais,</HI> though 'twas his wor&s;t, that is, uncha&s;t Comedy.) Sometimes the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> will venture at the O|riginal, and then (with the tran&s;lator of <HI>Don Quixot</HI>) he mi&s;takes <HI>Sobs</HI> and <HI>Sighs</HI> for <HI>Eggs</HI> and <HI>Collops.</HI> But commonly (for want of <HI>Greek</HI> and <HI>Latin</HI>) he learns <HI>Hebrew,</HI> and &s;treight is <HI>illuminated;</HI> that is, mad: his Brain is broke by a Brickbat ca&s;t from the Tower of <HI>Babel.</HI> And yet this empty windy Teacher has <HI>Lectur'd</HI> a War quite round the Kingdom: he has found a <HI>Circulation of blood</HI> for <HI>De&s;truction</HI> (as famous <HI>Harvey</HI> for <HI>Pre&s;ervation</HI>) of Mankind. 'Twas ea&s;ie to fore&s;ee a great Mortality, when Ravens were heard in all <HI>Corporations.</HI> For, as Multitude of Froggs pre&s;age a Pe&s;tilence, &s;o croaking <HI>Lecturers</HI> foretold an <HI>A&s;&s;embly.</HI> Men come to Church, as the Great <HI>Alexander</HI> went to Sacrifice, led by Crows. You have &s;een a &s;mall <HI>Elder|tree</HI> grow in chinks and clefts of Church-walls, it &s;eems rather a <HI>Weed</HI> than a <HI>Tree;</HI> which, lend it growth, makes a Rent in the Wall, and throws down the Church. Is not this the <HI>A&s;&s;embler?</HI> grown from Schi&s;ms (which him&s;elf begot,) and if permitted, will make the Church but a <HI>Floor</HI> or <HI>Church-yard.</HI> Yet, for all this, he will be call'd <HI>Chri&s;t's Mini&s;ter</HI> and Saint, as the Rebells again&s;t King <HI>John</HI> were the <HI>Army of God.</HI> Sure when they meet they cannot but &s;mile; for the dulle&s;t among&s;t them needs mu&s;t know that they all cheat the people; &s;uch gro&s;s, low impo&s;tors, that we die the death of the Emperor <HI>Claudius,</HI> poy&s;on'd by <HI>Mu&s;hromes.</HI> The old Hereticks had Skill &amp; Learning (&s;ome excu&s;e for a Seduced Church; tho&s;e were <HI>Scholars,</HI> but the&s;e <HI>A&s;&s;emblers;</HI> who&s;e very Brains (as <HI>Manichaeus's</HI> skin) are &s;tuff'd with <HI>Chaff.</HI> For they &s;tudy little, &amp; preach much, ever &s;ick of a <HI>Diabetes:</HI> nor do they <HI>read,</HI> but <HI>weed</HI> Authors, picking up cheap &amp; refu&s;e Notes, that with <HI>Caligula</HI> they gather Cockle-&s;hells, &amp; with <HI>Domitian</HI> retire into their Studie to catch Flies. At <HI>Fa&s;ts</HI> &amp; <HI>Thank &s;givings</HI> the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> is the <HI>State's</HI> Trumpet; for then he doth not <HI>preach,</HI> but is <HI>blown;</HI> proclaims News very loud, the Trumpet and his Forehead being both of one Metall. (And yet, good man, he &s;till prays for <HI>Boldne&s;s.</HI>) He hackneys out his Voice like a Cryer; and is a kind of <HI>Spiritual Agitant,</HI> receives Orders, and &s;preads them. In earne&s;t the <HI>States</HI> can't want this Tool, for without him the <HI>Saints</HI> would &s;carce <HI>A&s;&s;em|ble.</HI> And if the Zealots chance to fly out, they are charm'd home by this <HI>Sounding Bra&s;s.</HI> There is not on earth a ba&s;er Sycophant; for he ever is chewing &s;ome <HI>Vote</HI> or <HI>Ordinance;</HI> and tells the People how <HI>&s;avoury</HI> it is; like him who lick'd up the Emperor's &s;pittle and &s;wore 'twas &s;weet. Would the <HI>two Hou&s;es</HI> give him <HI>Cathedral Lands,</HI> he would prove <HI>Lords</HI> and <HI>Commons</HI> to be <HI>Jure Divino:</HI> but &s;hould they offer him the <HI>Self-denying-Ordinance,</HI>
<PB N="18" REF="6">he would ju&s;tifie the Devil and cur&s;e them to their faces, (his Brother Kirk-man did it in <HI>Scotland.</HI>) 'Tis plea&s;ant to ob&s;erve how finely they play into each others hands; <HI>Mar&s;hall</HI> procures thanks to be given to <HI>Sedg|wick</HI> (for his great pains) <HI>Sedgwick</HI> obtains as much for <HI>Mar&s;hall,</HI> and &s;o they all pimp for one another. But yet (to their great comfort be it &s;poken) their whole &s;even years Sermons at <HI>We&s;tmin&s;ter</HI> are now to be &s;old in <HI>Fetter-lane</HI> and <HI>Pyecorner.</HI> Before a Battall the <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> ever &s;peaks to the Souldiers; and the holding up of his hands mu&s;t be as nece&s;&s;ary as <HI>Mo&s;es</HI>'s again&s;t the <HI>Ama|lekites:</HI> For he pricks them on, tells them that <HI>God loves none but the valiant:</HI> but when Bullets flye, Him&s;elf runs fir&s;t, and then crys <HI>All the &s;ons of</HI> Adam <HI>are cowards!</HI> Were there any <HI>Metemp&s;ycho&s;is</HI> his Soul would want a Lodgiog; no &s;ingle Bea&s;t could fit him, being wi&s;e as a Sheep and inno|cent as a Wolf. His &s;ole comfort is, he cannot out-&s;in <HI>Hugh Peters:</HI> Sure, as Satan hath po&s;&s;e&s;&s;ed the <HI>A&s;&s;embler,</HI> &s;o <HI>Hugh Peters</HI> hath po&s;&s;e&s;&s;ed Satan, and is the Devi's Devil. He alone would fill a whole Herd of <HI>Gadarens.</HI> He hath &s;uck'd Blood ever &s;ince he lay in the <HI>Butcher's</HI> Sheets: and now (like his <HI>Sultan</HI>) has a Shambles in his Countenance; &s;o crim&s;on and tor|rid, you may there read how St. <HI>Laurence</HI> dyed, and think <HI>the three Chil|dren</HI> were delivered from his face. This is St. <HI>Hugh,</HI> who will <HI>Levell</HI> the <HI>A&s;&s;embler,</HI> or the <HI>Devil's an A&s;&s;e.</HI> Yoke the&s;e Brethren; and they two cou|ple like a <HI>Sadducee</HI> and a <HI>Phari&s;ae,</HI> or a <HI>Turk</HI> and a <HI>Per&s;ian,</HI> both Mahume|tans. But the <HI>A&s;&s;embler's</HI> deepe&s;t, highe&s;t Abomination, is his <HI>Solemn Lea|gue and Covenant;</HI> whereby he &s;trives to <HI>damn</HI> or <HI>begger</HI> the whole King|dom; out-doing the Devil, who onely <HI>per&s;uades,</HI> but the <HI>A&s;&s;embler forces</HI> to <HI>perjury</HI> or <HI>&s;tarving.</HI> And this) whoever lives to ob&s;erve it) will one day &s;ink both him and his Faction: for he and his <HI>Oath</HI> are &s;o much one, that were he halfhang'd and let down again, his fir&s;t word would be <HI>Covenant! Covenant!</HI></P>
<P>But I forget, a <HI>Character</HI> &s;hould be brief (though <HI>tedious Length</HI> be his be&s;t Character.) Therefore I'll give ye' (what He denyes the Seque&s;terd Clergy) but a <HI>fifth Part.</HI> For weigh him &s;ingle, and he has the Pride of three Tyrants, the Forehead of &s;ix Gaolers and the Fraud of twelve Brokers. Or take him in the Bunch, and their whole <HI>A&s;&s;embler</HI> is a <HI>Club</HI> of Hypocrites, where &s;ix dozen of Schi&s;matik-&s;pends two hours for four &s;hillings apiece.</P>
<TRAILER>FINIS</TRAILER>
<PB REF="6">
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</ETS>
