Etext by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
C 1982
It is said that a novelist writes the same novel over and over again. Whether this is true or not, it was certainly true of Shadwell who wrote the same play over and over again, with more or less wit and different characters. Practically all the wit in this play is Shadwell's; the faults alone are mine. Shadwell was, in his own way, a very great writer. Unfortunately, while his wit is spread through his entire works, he is seldom revived. This is an attempt to give you Shadwell at his very best. The plot is based primarily on the plots to “The Woman Captain,” “The Squire of Alsatia,” “The Sullen Lovers,” and “The Virtuoso.”
Frank Morlock, 1981
Scene: London, circa 1676. Summer.
Act I
Scene I. Sir Humphrey Blockhead-Swash's Townhouse. Morning.
Scene II. A Street in Alsatia.
Scene III. A Walk in St. James Park.
Act II
Scene I. Sir Humphrey's. Early that evening.
Scene II. Mr. Scroop's Residence. A little later.
Scene III. Another room in Scroop's house, later that night.
Act III
Scene I. Sir Humphrey's. Around noon, the next morning.
Characters, in order of appearance:
Sir Humphrey Blockhead-Swash, a dashing young rake
Lucy, his mistress
Valet/Steward to Sir Humphrey
Mrs. Letitia Scroop, (“Captain Wildfire"), a former mistress of
Sir Humphrey and wife to Scroop
Sir William Blockhead-Swash, Sir Humphrey's uncle, a censorious
old man, father of Sir Christopher, much given to discipline
Mr. Gimrack Scroop, an elderly miser who fancies himself as a
natural philosopher (a virtuoso), mistreats his young wife
Stanford, a young man of morose disposition much pestered with fools
Trim, a grand fop who believes himself as great an orator as he is
magnificent in his taste in clothes
Prig, a crazy fop who is in love with all the women even though he
has suffered for his folly
Sir Positive Atall, a man who knows everything about everything and
will suffer no contradictions
Jack Tope, a genial old drunkard and a wit of the old school
Shamwell, a confidence man
Hackum (Captain Hackum), a swaggering coward
Sir Christopher Blockhead-Swash, a country bumpkin who rebels
against his father and sets up for a gentleman
Bluffe (Sergeant Bluffe), a swaggering, cowardly gamester
Servant to Sir Christopher
Emilia, Lady Cheatly's daughter, a morose woman who does not
suffer fools gladly
Miranda, Lady Cheatly's younger daughter, a senseless
flibbertigibbet in love with Mr. Trim
Lady Cheatly, a woman of a certain age much given to amorous
intrigues and swindling
Striker, Mr. Trim's kept woman
Friske, Sir Christopher's kept woman
Lady Cheatly's Steward
Lady Cheatly's servant
Sergeant (the true Captain Wildfire), Mrs. Scroop's brother, a
gigantic Army Captain
Two soldiers
A luxuriously appointed bedroom, the residence of Sir Humphrey
Blockhead-Swash. Sir Humphrey, a young rake of twenty-four, is
dressed in a fashionable dressing gown. Lucy is in bed with no clothes
on, crying. The time is about noon.
Sir Humphrey
Crying, my pretty miss?
Lucy
I hate you now.
Sir Humphrey (approaching her and kissing her)
I'll wager you lie. Did you not say you love me?
Lucy
Too much. I must never see you again.
Sir Humphrey
Can you be so hard-hearted? (softly) I took you for a tender thing.
Lucy
Perhaps I may desire, now and then, a look— (cautiously) At a
distance. But I will never venture near you again. (hugging the
bedclothes to herself)
Sir Humphrey
If I thought you were in earnest, I should never let you go.
Lucy
I must go. I shall be missed. God, how will I ever look my mother
in the face?
Sir Humphrey
Many a girl does the same as you did and manages to look like a
saint. You must come to me every day.
Lucy
Never.
(A valet enters.)
Valet
Mrs. Scroop is coming up, sir.
Lucy
Oh! Hide me!
Sir Humphrey
Quickly! Into the closet.
(Lucy rushes into the closet, but some of her clothing is still lying on the bed. Exit valet. Enter Mrs. Scroop.)
Sir Humphrey
What wind blows you hither?
Mrs. Scroop
How dare you think that I, of all women, will suffer myself to be
used in this way?
Sir Humphrey
You mean not used. That's your grievance.
Mrs. Scroop
You ingrate! Was I not yours and only yours?
Sir Humphrey (coolly)
Why, you were not married to me. I took no lease of your frail
tenement. I was not a tenant at will.
Mrs. Scroop
Insolent! How dare you provoke my fury? Was ever woman's love like
mine to thee? Perfidious man! (weeping)
Sir Humphrey
After the thunder, the rain.
Mrs. Scroop
No. I scorn that you should bring tears to my eyes.
Sir Humphrey
Why do you come to trouble me, then?
Mrs. Scroop
Since I can please you no longer—I'll come to plague you. My ghost
will come to haunt you.
Sir Humphrey
Indeed, your love was most peculiar with spitting and scratching.
In your best humors, which were infrequent, you were always complaining
and jealous to madness.
Mrs. Scroop
You devil incarnate.
Sir Humphrey
When you are old enough, your malice and ill humor will qualify you
for a witch. You lack the softness to qualify for a mistress.
Mrs. Scroop
How dare you? For what dirty little wench am I treated like this?
If she be above ground, I'll find her and tear her eyes out! (looking
around) Ha! By the bed, I see the slut has been here tonight. Oh, I
cannot bear it. (falling into a fit)
Sir Humphrey (indifferently)
You are a rare actress.
Mrs. Scroop (leaping up)
Is it so? Is it so? Devil, devil, I'll spoil your face for you.
(she flies at him with claws bared)
Sir Humphrey (retreating hastily)
Will you force me to have my footman turn you out? (dodging)
Valet (re-entering)
Your uncle and Mr. Scroop are here, sir.
Sir Humphrey
Sdeath. My uncle.
Mrs. Scroop
My husband.
Sir Humphrey
Madame, you may, if you wish, ruin both me and yourself. Try me
once more and get into bed and cover yourself with the quilt. Hurry or
I am undone.
Mrs. Scroop (hesitating)
Villain, you deserve to be ruined. But I love my honor too well.
Sir Humphrey
For heaven's sake, hide yourself in the bed, quickly.
Mrs. Scroop
I prefer the closet.
(Mrs. Scroop darts into the closet seconds before Sir. William Blockhead-Swash and his cousin Mr. Scroop enter.)
Sir Humphrey
Uncle, how unexpected. I beg your blessing.
Sir William
Heaven mend you; it can never bless you in the lewd course you are
in.
Sir Humphrey
You are misinformed, sir. My course is not so lewd as you imagine.
Sir William (to Mr. Scroop)
Do you see? I am misinformed. He'll give me the lie! (to Sir
Humphrey) You were not drunk last night with bullies and roared and
ranted, broke windows, raped and abducted a wench?
Sir Humphrey
No, I was not. I supped at home last night.
Sir William
And you are not called Squire Blockhead-Swash by your
good-for-nothing hangers-on, nor known as the Squire of Alsatia? Not
you? No. No.
Scroop (placatingly to Sir William)
Perhaps it is a case of mistaken identity.
Sir William
You believe him! You make me mad, cousin Scroop. How many
Blockheads are there in England, I ask you? Does he think to flim flam
me with a lie?
Scroop
I am a great enemy to prodigality and wit, as you know. Still, your
nephew has always been honorable in his business dealings with me, and
has a reputation for being—err—reasonable in his pleasures.
Sir William
Only because my late brother, his father, was alive to check him in
his wantonness.
Sir Humphrey
My father was ever indulgent to me, and I honor his memory.
Sir William
While you disgrace his name. Now that you are come into the estate,
you are determined to waste it in a year. Remember, I am still trustee
of half your estate.
Sir Humphrey
How could I forget, uncle?
Sir William
I will not allow you to marry any whore. You must have my
permission to marry. Mark that. Mark that well.
Sir Humphrey (bowing)
I shall endeavor to secure your deserved approbation, uncle.
Sir William (mollified)
Well, well, that's well said. If I hadn't fought with one of your
bullies this very morning—Captain Hackum—I should be wholly
reconciled with you.
Sir Humphrey
Hackum? I know no one of that name.
Sir William
Well, well, nephew. Perhaps there was some mistake.
(A sudden roar from the closet.)
Lucy (within)
Murder, murder. Help, help!
(Mrs. Scroop, with her domino down over her face, pulls Lucy out by the hair.)
Sir Humphrey
Oh, damned she devil.
Mrs. Scroop
I'll make you an example, slut. Will you see him whether I will nor
not, you young whore!
Sir William (excited to a fever pitch)
Here's a nephew! Here's a nephew! Here's breeding! Here's a
delicate nephew! Here's a dainty nephew! Thank God, my son is in the
country and far away from your example.
Scroop (hypocritically)
I never thought this of you, Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey (hailing his valet)
Out with this she bear. Out with her.
Mrs. Scroop
Revenge, you villain. Revenge.
(The valet enters with haste and carries her out struggling.)
Sir Humphrey
I can explain everything.
Sir William
This is the effect of whoring. Can't you content yourself with one
harlot at a time?
Sir Humphrey (defiantly)
No, sir. It is the effect of not whoring. She rages because I have
cast her off.
Scroop
She looked a little like my wife. Fortunately, I keep that would-be
harlot safely locked up.
(The valet has returned. He is a little the worse for wear.)
Sir Humphrey (to valet)
See this innocent girl safe to her home. I charge you to protect
her from that outrageous strumpet's fury.
Valet
It's more than I can answer for myself. May I take two footmen?
Sir Humphrey
Yes. Move briskly.
(Lucy and the valet go out.)
Sir William (savagely, ironic)
A sweet reformation. I am glad my brother is dead. It would break
his heart.
Sir Humphrey
Sir, the young girl was never here before. She brought in the
laundry. This furious wench, coming to rail at me, I put her in the
closet. When you came, against my will, this one, too, ran into the
closet.
Sir William
And her smock, nephew? Why did she forget her smock? (he picks up
the petticoat and brandishing it in Sir Humphrey's face) Did she come
to wash her own clothes? Do you think you have your father to deal
with? I leave you, nephew.
(Sir William rushes out in a fury. Scroop starts to follow Sir William.)
Sir Humphrey
A word with you, cousin Scroop.
Scroop (pausing)
I doubt I can help you with uncle William, cousin.
Sir Humphrey
Pshaw! He's all sound and fury. Never mind that. I shall need
another two thousand pounds.
Scroop
I have a scruple against lending you money to spend it on whores.
It is against my conscience.
Sir Humphrey
You may increase the interest.
Scroop
On the other hand, you have always been very punctual in paying
your obligations. (hesitates, weighing his scruples in one hand and his
interest in the other) Very well. You shall have it. Twenty-five
percent.
Sir Humphrey
Done.
Scroop
But I shall require a mortgage this time.
Sir Humphrey
You shall have it.
Scroop
I might have mentioned that my widowed sister, Lady Cheatly, has
come to town, and is a very earnest business woman. You may wish to
deal with her from time to time.
Sir Humphrey
I shall remember it. But I fear she is damnably ill-disposed
towards me.
Scroop
That is true. But business is business. By the way, sir cousin, I
am, as you know, a natural philosopher. I am planning to dissect a
crustacean, vulgarly called a lobster. If you would care to witness
this unusual event, you will have an opportunity to be present at one
of the great scientific events of the last twenty years.
Sir Humphrey
I will attend, sir. (low) I, too, am used to dissecting lobsters,
but I usually eat them, too.
Scroop
Then, I shall expect you this afternoon.
(They bow to each other and Scroop exits.)
Sir Humphrey
Thank God, the old fool is too blind to recognize his own wife.
(hears a noise) Who waits there?
(Enter valet.)
Sir Humphrey
Prepare for a ball tonight. I shall want fiddlers, wine, and
whores.
Valet
Do you take me for your pimp? I am your Steward.
Sir Humphrey
You provide me with all things necessary. Is anything as necessary
as whores?
Valet
I served your father for twenty years and he never dared to ask me
to do such a thing.
Sir Humphrey
Are you a man of means, good Mr. Morality? I'll get a Frenchman who
will not quibble with his master.
Valet
You would not turn me away after all these years?
Sir Humphrey
Then trim your sails to the wind, sir. Pass me some perfume.
Valet
Perfume. Methinks it is unmanly.
Sir Humphrey
Consider what a stinking animal man is, exceeding all the beasts in
stinking, and would you not have me mollify these natural
imperfections?
Valet
I would have you clean and serving God.
Sir Humphrey (impatiently)
Pass the perfume.
(The valet obeys with obvious distaste. Sir Humphrey perfumes himself with great relish. Enter Stanford.)
Stanford
Not dressed, Sir Humphrey? You should be sharper for the game,
considering the long fast you had at the hands of your father.
Sir Humphrey
One must savor one's pleasures, Stanford, and the women of this
town, if you don't take care of your outside, will never let you be
acquainted with their insides.
Stanford
You are mistaken. Men succeed now according to the clothes they
give, not the clothes they wear.
Sir Humphrey
Amongst your little whores, Stanford.
Stanford
Amongst your great whores, too, Sir Humphrey. (changing the
subject) At any rate, I am very glad to see you. I look on this as a
place of refuge where I can escape my persecutors.
Sir Humphrey
Still complaining of fools, Stanford?
Stanford
Wherever I turn, I am baited.
Sir Humphrey
Why do you abuse this age so? Methinks it's as pretty a drinking
and whoring age as a man could wish to live in.
Stanford
This morning, just as I was coming to you, Sir Positive Atall, that
fool that will let no man understand anything in his company, virtually
detained me by brute force.
Sir Humphrey
Sir Positive is very amusing.
Stanford
Another day like this and I shall enter a monastery.
Sir Humphrey
Pray heave it not be near a convent.
Stanford
My persecution did not end. After I granted his opinion, he forced
me to stay an hour to hear his reasons for it. But, no sooner had I, by
some happy accident, (I shall still believe in miracles) got rid of the
old pest, but in trots that insufferable puppy and world-renowned
sportsman, Prig, who talked of nothing but racing and gambling.
Sir Humphrey
A very good companion for an hour.
Stanford
Then, having gotten rid of those two, who should appear, but that
formal ass Trim, whose politeness would outdo a Chinese. At last I
dodged him and came here.
Valet (entering and announcing)
Mr. Trim.
Stanford
I have but named the devil, and see, I have raised him. How the
devil could he follow me? I took every precaution. I think the rascal
has the nose of a bloodhound.
Sir Humphrey
Show the fool—err, gentleman—in. Now, we shall have a rare sport.
Stanford
Ye gods, is no place safe?
(Enter Trim.)
Dear Stanford, and sweet Sir Humphrey, I am your most humble
servant,
and cannot but congratulate those auspicious stars that brought you
hither to render your friends happy by your presence.
Sir Humphrey (low)
I have not stirred a foot these two years. (to Trim) Your great
civilities amaze me. I think there lives not among the race of mankind
a person more skillful in all decencies of behavior, and all the arts
of modish gallantry as to render him a wonder to all mankind as
yourself. (to Stanford) Disgusting fop.
Stanford
Now, have I reason or to?
Sir Humphrey (to Trim, with a bow)
Please be seated.
Trim
Not before you, sir. All England rings with your fame.
(Each strives to sit after the other.)
Trim (lurching to his feet)
Gad, but I like your breeches, Stanford. Your tailor shall make
mine.
Stanford
His name is Wickham. You just have time to catch him before he
closes.
Trim
But, it's just midday.
Stanford
He threatens to leave momentarily on an extended vacation.
Trim
But, I could not think of leaving you and Sir Humphrey so abruptly,
even on such important business.
Stanford
Sir Humphrey won't mind; I'm sure I won't.
Sir Humphrey
I have heard you pay court to my widowed cousin Lady Cheatly.
Trim (delighted to have an opportunity to deny it)
I . . . I am her admirer, her adorer. I call her Dorinda and she
honors me with the name Eugenius. I visit her daily.
Sir Humphrey (teasingly)
Nicknames and visits. There's something more between you than that?
Trim
Upon my honor, nothing.
Sir Humphrey
A likely story.
Trim (rising, furious)
I scorn your words.
Sir Humphrey
I did not think it was a dishonor for a man to lie with a pretty
woman.
Trim (proudly)
I would not for the whole world. Nor did I ever.
Stanford
Why the devil do we all run after them and keep them company if not
to lie with them?
Trim (primly)
I visit all the ladies for their conversation; for the excellence
of their conversation.
Stanford
I'll tell you one thing, Mr. Trim, any woman you keep company with
who does not think you have a mind to lie with her will never forgive
you.
Trim (genuinely shocked)
You are obscene.
Sir Humphrey
I'll tell you one thing more. You must never be alone with a woman,
but that you must offer, or she knows you care not for her. Five to one
she grants. But if she does not care for you, she denies. Even so, she
will like you the better.
Trim
Oh, uncharitable sentence! I, I who have succeeded in the
affections of so many pretty creatures. If you did but see the advances
that all the ladies make to me, you would stand amazed. I, I say, it is
a chaste mind that wins all hearts.
Stanford (disgusted)
The devil, you say. Gentlemen, I have extraordinary business. I
must leave you.
(Enter Prig.)
Prig
Gentlemen, good morrow. Where were you last night? But, never mind.
I am come to get you to look at the best-bred horse in England.
Woodcock was his grandfather. He is the son of Rednose, and cousin
German of Cock a Fart. I am going to make a civil visit to him. He's to
run the race at Newmarket tomorrow.
Sir Humphrey
We cannot see him; we're engaged.
Stanford
Three days! A monastery!
Prig
Well then, let's make a match at tennis. I am invited to dine by
two or three Lords, but if you will let me have pen, ink, and paper,
I'll disengage myself.
Sir Humphrey
I tell you, I am engaged today.
Prig
We'll play or pay tomorrow at ten. Where shall we sup?
Stanford
Nowhere. You cannot sup.
Prig
Not sup?
Sir Humphrey
No. You are not fit to sup.
Prig
No? I am sure I have as good a stomach as any man in England. I
will eat three meals a day with any man that wears a head.
Stanford
That will not do. (to Sir Humphrey) What am I condemned to?
Prig
No? I'll eat four then. What say you Stanford, will you play?
Stanford
Not for all the world.
Prig
A man must exercise or the ladies will not think him fit for
exercise.
Stanford
Ladies are out of fashion.
Prig
How came women to be out of fashion?
Stanford
The women of this town are so unsound that it is safer to make war
than make love. And our fops, who are cowards, prefer to admire
themselves.
Sir Humphrey
I have a better way than exercise, I think.
Prig
Think? What a pox should a gentleman think of but dogs, horses,
dice, tennis, races, and cockfighting. The devil take me, I never think
of anything else, but now and then of a whore when I have a mind to
her.
Sir Humphrey
Brave Prig, do you hold your humor still? Are you still in love
with all women?
Prig
I venerate the sex. After dogs and horses.
Stanford
You have suffered more for them than all the knights errant in
romances.
Prig
There is not a truer lover of all the sex than myself in all
mankind. (twinges) What twinge was that?
(Trim shows signs of disgust as Prig talks.)
Sir Humphrey
So much love and so much pox never met together in one man since
the creation. The druggists are very ungrateful fellows if they don't
vote you a pension for the good you have done their trade.
Prig
Leave off fooling.
Trim
I would not wager six months for the term of your natural nose.
(Sir Humphrey claps Prig on the back.)
Prig
Oh! my shoulder—
Sir Humphrey
Better be a drunkard . . . wine breeds happiness, not diseases.
Prig
But beauty, heaven's brightest image, the thing which all the world
desire and fights for, the spur of all glorious action—
Trim (deeply affected)
Sweet, poetic man. (embracing him) What sentiment.
Prig
Death! What have you done? You have murdered me. Oh, my neck and
shoulders.
Trim
I humbly beg your pardon. I forgot this rheum is very strong.
Prig
Ah, is there a symptom I have not had? Ulcers, fistulas, pustules?
Sir Humphrey
How did you come by it?
Prig
Ah, the most delicate, civil young lady. A person of honor . . . a
former mistress of the King.
Valet (entering)
A lady sends to you, Mr. Prig. She heard you were ill.
Prig
You see, Sir Humphrey, I am nobody with the ladies. Not I.
Trim (jogging him)
You dog.
Prig (piteously)
You hurt my arm.
Stanford
Gentlemen, detain me no further. I must go. (starts to leave and
jumps back) Good Lord, Sir Positive on the stairs. I had rather
encounter an insurrection than meet him.
(Sir Positive enters.)
Sir Positive
Ah, dear Jack, have I found you?
Stanford
No, Sir Positive, you have not found me. I am just leaving.
Sir Positive
You shall not leave. I have just written a song.
Stanford (desperately)
I must take my leave of you. I must not lose my . . . business for
a little music.
Sir Positive
Do you talk of music?
Stanford
I talk of my business.
Sir Positive
If any man in England gives you a better account of music than I
do, I will give all mankind leave to spit on me. You must know it is a
thing I have thought upon and considered and made my business since my
cradle. Besides, I am so naturally a musician, that do re me were the
first words I could speak. Do but ask Trim here.
Stanford
When shall I be delivered? Doubtless, I have sinned much.
Trim
Sir Positive has a great soul of music in him.
Sir Positive
Come, you shall hear it.
Sir Humphrey (maliciously)
Come, dear Sir Positive, make us happy.
Prig
Sir Positive will sing, and I shall dance.
Trim
He dances very finely.
Sir Positive
I defy any man in the world that outdoes him, for between you and
me, I taught him every step he has.
Stanford (desperate)
Sir Positive, I am sorry I cannot. I must speak with a gentleman
that leaves for France tonight.
Sir Positive
France! If any man gives you an account of France equal to mine,
I'll suffer death! I have thought of their affairs . . . never speak
more on it. 'Tis a lost nation. Absolutely undone. Take that from me.
yet, were I in Paris with Cardinal Richelieu but one quarter of an
hour, I'd put him in a way to save all yet.
Trim
I thought it was Cardinal Mazarin—
Stanford
Sir Positive, I am so much in haste that none but yourself should
have stayed me of all mankind. (aside) Will I never escape?
Sir Positive
Mankind? Do you talk of mankind? I will give dogs leave to piss on
me if any man understand mankind better than myself, now you talk of
that. Between you and me, let me tell you, we are all mortal.
Stanford
I shall run mad.
Valet (entering)
Sir Positive, Lady Cheatly begs you would come look at her portrait
that's come this morning. It's by Rembrandt.
(Exit valet.)
Sir Positive
There it is now, Stanford. She had as good as thrown her money in
the dirt. If I had drawn the lines for him he might have made a good
picture on it. Now you talk of painting. (hesitating) Dear Stanford, I
must go to her. Take it not unkindly.
Stanford (as a man reprieved from execution)
I will not. I will not.
Sir Positive (genuinely troubled)
A man must not disoblige his mistress. (turns back)
Stanford
By all means not, Sir Positive. (aside) Great God in heaven, he's
coming back.
Sir Positive
But, friendship, Jack. Friendship.
Stanford (whispering to Sir Positive)
If you do not go, Trim, who also aspires to her hand, will be
before hand with you.
Sir Positive
Faith! You're right, Jack.
Stanford
Don't let me stop you. I swear I'll not take it ill.
Sir Positive
Let me hug you.
(Sir Positive briefly hugs Stanford and then rushes out.)
Trim (in an indecent hurry)
I, too, must leave suddenly, gentlemen. Your servant. Your servant.
(Trim rushes out.)
Stanford
That's a happy delivery.
Prig
Yes, that Trim is an unendurable fop.
Valet (entering and announcing)
Mr. Tope, sir.
(The valet exits and Tope enters.)
Sir Humphrey
Hail, hail, dear companion of the night.
Tope
My dear knight, my dear Sir Humphrey, you are the very prince of
drunkards. Every night you clear the streets of bullies and idle
rascals, sober citizens, and bilious cuckolds who should be home
watching their wives.
Sir Humphrey
I am glad to find you so hearty.
Tope
Why, I roared with your grandfather. I have seen danger in my life!
In those days a man could not go from the Rose Tavern to the Piazza
once but he must venture his life twice.
Stanford
And the wine was better and the women handsomer. You old fellows
are always magnifying the days of your youth.
Tope
Old! I have drunk off two generations, and I intend to drink off
three more yet.
Sir Humphrey
Well, you buried my father.
Tope
Your father was a sober sot, a consumptive scoundrel. We could make
nothing of him. He married like a puppy and grew most pitifully
uxorious. But the comfort of it is that few of that sort get their own
children. You are not a bit like him at all.
Stanford
Thank heaven, I never remember mine. Providence took care of me in
good time.
Sir Humphrey
A health to my mistress. (offering wine)
Tope
I defy morning draughts. Trust an experienced drunkard, you will
not live out half your days if you take this lewd course of drinking in
the morning. I have buried two hundred morning drinkers of my
acquaintance.
Sir Humphrey
I will have my mistress pledged. (offers wine again)
Tope
Your mistress! Which one? Every wench in a petticoat qualifies for
that title, from humble trollop to bejeweled Duchess.
Prig
Tell us who it is.
Sir Humphrey
I am particular, damnable particular. I am fallen in love. I met
her in church.
Stanford
See the danger of going to church. I warned you of it.
Tope
In love? Why, only till you get the wench; but when you have had
her, you never fail to leave her, or a child by her, to the parish.
Sir Humphrey
Life in the work house is a good settled life. The sooner they take
care of them, the better. But this is a lady of quality.
Tope
Stick with poor whores, my son, they are less troublesome and
usually better looking.
Sir Humphrey
A whore! This is a saint.
Prig
What a pox. I have never had as many whores as you, but I never had
one whom I cared if she were hanged or no.
Tope
Seriously! A pox on your love. Love is a silly boyish disease and
should never come after the chicken pox or mumps. A drunkard and in
love! You will be as bad company as a pregnant chambermaid; worse, for
she might be persuaded to take a cure. Love, ha, ha, ha.
Sir Humphrey
I am convinced every man will contract it before he dies. Look to
it yet, Jack.
Tope
Why, this is a vile repenting strain, as if you were showing your
parts at the gallows. Why don't you lay this lewdness on bad company
and breaking the Sabbath?
Sir Humphrey
Old seducers, Jack. Old seducers.
Tope
No doubt you will soon want to be married!
Sir Humphrey
I do.
Prig
But, who is she?
Sir Humphrey
She's one of Lady Cheatly's daughters.
Prig (stunned, aside)
So! We are rivals.
Tope
I'm going. That a young man so promising should turn out just like
his father. I thought your mother, at least, had better taste.
CURTAIN
A street in Alsatia.
(Shamwell and Hackum meet Sir Christopher Blockhead-Swash and Bluffe.)
Shamwell
Now you look like an heir indeed. You shine like a true gentleman.
Hackum
Give you joy, noble sir. Now you look like a true, gallant Squire.
Sir Christopher
I have been fortunate to light upon such true friends. I had never
known breeding or gentility without you.
Shamwell
You buried all your parts in the country.
Sir Christopher
My father kept me in ignorance. I never saw such gentlemen as you
in the country.
Bluffe
The world knows Mr. Shamwell and Captain Hackum are as complete
gentlemen as ever came to Alsatia.
Sir Christopher
Well, I protest. I am so fine, I don't know where to look upon
myself first. I don't think the Lord Mayor's son is finer.
Shamwell
He is a scoundrel compared to you.
Sir Christopher
Let me embrace you all. (they hug each other) Devil take me, but we
are mad fellows. (roaring) God, we had a rare night of it; kicked the
watch; kissed whores; stormed bawdy houses, and committed sundry other
outrages to the confusion of the citizenry. Ha, ha, ha.
Bluffe
On my soul, we broke a hundred pounds worth of windows.
Sir Christopher
Am I not a gay spark?
Hackum
We kept Covent Garden working last night, I'll vow.
Bluffe
We overran the town as Alexander overran Asia.
Sir Christopher
Lord, what will Sir William say when he learns I am in London?
Shamwell
What matter what he says? Is not every foot of the estate entailed
upon you?
Sir Christopher
To hell with him! I can endure it no longer. I'll teach him to use
his son like a dog. Let us go to see my cousin, Sir Humphrey.
Shamwell
You shall not see him till you outshine him every way. Your
cousin's heart shall break in envy of your gallantry. All the whores
will ogle you and fall before your feet like the ancients worshipping
Priapus!
Sir Christopher
Tell me once more what we did last night. Some action I remember,
but the better part is all darkness to me. Yet it runs in my head that
we had a fray.
Bluffe
We did indeed.
Sir Christopher
But, what execution was there? Whose skull cracked? Whose lungs
pierced?
Hackum
Why, it was a mere nothing. You had a skirmish with some drunken
rascal and Brigadier Stokes with a detachment of the watch who fell in
and routed both parties. Two of the watch had slight hurts which they
are ready to swear are mortal, and two of your footmen were carried to
the roundhouse.
Sir Christopher
An evening very handsomely spent. But, see my footmen ransomed.
But, what else?
Bluffe
This magnificent hero, this thunderbolt of war, this Captain
Hackum, laid about him like Tamerlane or else the watch had mauled us.
Sir Christopher
It seems to me there was a woman.
Shamwell
You took a gentleman's wench away by force.
Sir Christopher (beaming)
Did I so? But, does her gallant roar for her?
Hackum
He dares not, the scoundrel. He knows me.
Shamwell
It would take a volume to write the history of your conquests.
Sir Christopher
But, where is the wench?
Shamwell
Well, sir, it must be admitted she was not very handsome, nor over
well dressed, nor extremely clean . . . and though you put her to bed
in your own bed, when you returned after having recovered a little and
went to your bed . . . you puked at the sight of her and threw her,
naked, out of the house.
Sir Christopher
It was very impudent of the ugly strumpet to come hither.
Hackum
The nation will ring of us. Such exploits, such achievements. Not a
window in all the inns of Chancery; those hives of attorneys, those
suit breeders, those litigious rogues—
Bluffe
Then, how we scowered the market people, overthrew the butter
women, defeated the pippin merchants, wiped out the milk men, pulled
off the door knockers, repainted the gilt signs—
Hackum
We have scowered these three nights so magnificently that we were
taken for your cousin, Sir Humphrey Blockhead-Swash and his company.
Sir Christopher
Sir Humphrey? No, no. Sir Humphrey is the finest, a most complete
gentleman that ever wore a head.
Hackum
There are others, Squire, that shall be nameless.
Sir Christopher
Oh, no. Never talk on it. There will never be his fellow. Had you
seen him, as I did, when he cleared the Rose Tavern. In a minute's time
he had cleared the whole house and broke all the windows. Well, well,
he shall be my pattern while I live. Oh, if you did but hear him curse
and swear, you'd be in love with him; like music from an organ.
Hackum
Pretty gentleman, I confess; but time shall try. I'll say no more.
Sir Christopher
All Europe cannot show a braver gentleman. Oh, if fate and my own
industry could ever make me like this dear, this gallant, Sir Humphrey,
I were at the end of my ambition. The finest man that ever beat a
constable.
Servant (entering)
Sir, some of the inhabitants of one of the houses whose windows you
broke last night have learned your name. They have gotten the Lord
Chief Justice to issue a warrant against you.
Sir Christopher
Is this true?
Servant
By the mass, it is.
Shamwell
No matter. We'll bring you off. Trust me for that.
Sir Christopher
Dear friend, I rely on you for everything.
Bluffe
In this part of London, we value not their writs and summons.
Shamwell
The King's writ does not run in Alsatia. There has not been a writ
served here these ten years.
Hackum
If any of the King's officers dare invade our privileges, we'll
send them to hell without bail or mainprize.
Servant
I have also learned that your father is in town searching for you.
Sir Christopher
Sir William! Impossible.
Shamwell
Courage, my heir entail. Your father's a poor sneaking tenant for
life. You shall ignore him. And if we do put a debt upon the estate, I
have designed an heiress for you who shall take it all off.
Hackum
If you meet your father, stick up they countenance or thou art
ruined, my son of promise. When he approaches, we'll all pull down our
hats and cry, bow wow.
Sir Christopher
Bow wow. I'll do it.
(Enter Sir William, not seeing Sir Christopher at first.)
Sir Christopher
My father! Hide me, let's sneak out.
Hackum
It's the same old fellow I had like to have had a fight with this
morning. (aside) Who would have thought the mean-tempered wretch would
have dared to fight?
Shamwell
Let me talk to him a little.
Sir William
Is he fallen into these hands? His estate is spend before he has
it. (to Hackum) Oh, bully rascal, there you are.
Hackum
I could whip thee through the lungs easily, but I'll desist at
present. (aside) old piss and vinegar!
Sir William
I would speak with Sir Blockhead-Swash.
Shamwell
Why, look you, sir, according to your assertion of things, doubtful
in themselves, you must be forced to grant that whatsoever may be, may
also well not be, in their own essential differences and degrees.
Therefore—
Sir William (with icy menace)
Where is my son?
Shamwell
Your question consists of two terms, the one “ube” where: but of
that I say nothing because there is no son or anything belonging to you
to be the subject matter of debate. Forasmuch as your son being
somewhat obliquely, which you, out of a mature gravity, may have
weighed and think too heavy to be undertaken; what does it avail you if
you shall precipitate or plunge into affairs as unsuitable to your
physiognomy as they are to your complexion?
Sir William
Do you hear me, sir? Let me see my son. Offer to banter me once
more and I will cut your throat.
Sir Christopher (peeping out from behind Bluffe and Hackum)
Do you love your life? The Captain is a lion.
Sir William
An ass, is he not?
Hackum
If you were not the father of my dearest friend, I don't know what
my honor would prompt me to do.
Shamwell
My honor will not let me strike your father.
Bluffe
Nothing can provoke me against the father of my noble friend.
Shamwell
We have respect for your blood.
Sir Christopher
You see how their friendship prevails over their valor?
Sir William
Valor. Here's valor. (kicking them.)
Shamwell
Nothing shall make me transgress the rules of honor.
Sir William
Will not this convince you of their cowardice?
Sir Christopher
I am sure they are valiant. Have they not overthrown the watch many
times?
Sir William (kicking them again)
Let us try again.
Hackum
Damn me, Squire, I don't like this.
Shamwell
God, he kicks with iron toes.
Sir William
What, do you take me to be in jest?
Bluffe
Aye, why are you not?
Sir William
I shall put you out of doubt of that presently.
Hackum
What the devil do you mean?
Bluffe
Do not provoke me further.
Shamwell
If you be uncivil 'tis time to take a course with you. Help, help!
An arrest, an arrest.
Hackum
An arrest, a bailiff.
Sir William
You dogs! Am I a bailiff?
Shamwell
You will be used as one, you old wasp. An arrest!
(The mob enters through the windows, prepared to defend its territory with pots, pans, muskets, swords, pikes, and every conceivable type of improvised weapon. It could be a scene from the French Revolution.)
Sir William
I must run or I'll be pulled to pieces. Impudent dogs. An arrest,
an arrest. My heels must save my life.
(All run off in several directions as the scene ends.)
St. James Park.
(Emilia and Miranda enter.)
Emilia
Do not pester me about men, Miranda. I can't stand them. They are
all such fools.
Miranda
Mr. Trim is the finest person, so well-bred. It would do one good
to have such a bedfellow.
Emilia
He's a fool. He has no wit and all he does is talk.
Miranda
I don't care for a wit. But I can listen to Mr. Trim all day long.
He tells such pretty stories of himself.
Emilia
I should rather a man talked about me than himself. Good Lord, he's
coming.
Trim (entering)
Good ladies, I am your vassal couchant.
Emilia
Let me escape.
Trim
I have a little dog for you, Miss Miranda, which I intend to
present as a hieroglyphic of my affection.
Emilia (aside)
I shall enter a nunnery. (aloud) I must leave you, I have the most
pressing business.
Trim
Do not leave, Miss Emilia, I adore your shoestrings.
Emilia
My business will not wait.
(Emilia runs off in haste.)
Trim
Dear me. She left.
Miranda
Surely you don't mind being alone with me, Mr. Trim?
Trim (gallantly)
It was my fondest wish.
(Enter Sir Humphrey, who observes Trim and Miranda.)
Sir Humphrey
Now, why must I love a fool who loves another fool? (approaching
Miranda and Trim) Madame, your humble servant. Mr. Trim, yours also.
Trim
Sir Humphrey, how pleasant to see you again so soon. Have you been
to Court today?
Sir Humphrey
No, sir.
Trim
I am sure I was missed and it was remarked upon. But I mind nothing
when such a pretty creature as Miss Miranda is in the way.
Miranda (delighted)
You are pleased to say so, sir.
Sir Humphrey (whispering)
I mean to be revenged upon you for making me fall in love with you.
Miranda (naive, but excited)
Why, what will you do to me?
Sir Humphrey
I'll have no mercy upon you.
Miranda (interested)
Really? How?
Trim (vacantly)
I shall have a new suit tomorrow.
Miranda
Isn't Mr. Trim the most modish genteel person?
Sir Humphrey (aside, disgusted)
What an entertainment is this to me, that I should love such a
thing? (to Miranda) Do not mistake him, he's a perfect ass, I assure
you.
Miranda
What a thing to say. He does everything so like a gentleman.
(Trim takes some snuff very modishly.)
Sir Humphrey
Like a gentleman? He's a clown; he has not breeding enough to be a
valet.
Miranda
You wits never speak well of each other.
Sir Humphrey
Why do I love such a brainless idiot?
Trim
What color do you fancy my suit, dear Miss Miranda? I think purple
would go best with my complexion.
Miranda
Oh yes, purple would be very modish.
Trim (proudly)
My fancy always pleases the ladies.
Sir Humphrey
Do you know that I will not suffer you to smile, cringe, and play
the monkey here?
Trim (serenely)
I cannot help it; if ladies will love me and be affected by my
person, what is it to me?
Sir Humphrey (shoving Trim)
I'll endure this no longer. Begone.
Miranda (angrily)
What have you done to poor Mr. Trim?
Trim (pettishly)
I wonder you should have no more breeding; one would have thought
you had learned more from me by this time.
Miranda (fussing over him)
Let me help you. I'll set you right again.
Sir Humphrey
What's this!
Trim
Devil take me if I could not find it in my heart to ruffle your
cravat before the lady for this outrage of yours.
Sir Humphrey
Leave us, sir, or I'll cut your throat.
Trim
Well! I cannot be ill-bred though you can. Therefore, I shall take
my leave.
(Trim exits with all the dignity of an offended Peacock.)
Miranda (upset)
What have you done? You have made Mr. Trim go away. I'll follow
him.
Sir Humphrey (aside, in a fury)
She can't leave me for that fop.
(Miranda has followed Trim and Sir Humphrey follows Miranda. Enter Emilia and then Stanford. They walk up and down, taking little notice of each other.)
Emilia
I am the greatest object of pity that was ever seen. I am never
free from importunate fools, my sister is a flibbertigibbet and my
mother tries to keep me under lock and key, and will marry me to the
first wealthy fool that comes along.
Stanford
I am no less afflicted with fools than that young lady.
Emilia
There is no possibility of relief but to leave the world.
Stanford
Who would live in an age when fools are reverenced and impudence
esteemed?
Emilia
In so corrupt an age, when almost all mankind flatter the rich and
oppress the poor.
Stanford (listening)
This is pleasant. As if she were not as bad as anyone.
Emilia
Now this fellow has a design to have me think him wise.
Stanford
Now the illiterate fool despises learning.
Emilia
Among the learned we find many that are great scholars by art and
are fools by nature.
Stanford
This shall not persuade me that she is not one herself.
Emilia
Now he thinks to be taken for a discreet fellow, but this will not
do. Well, I will leave this world immediately.
Stanford
Which way do you intend to go?
Emilia
Why do you ask?
Stanford
That I may be sure to take another way.
Emilia
Nothing could so soon persuade me to tell you as that.
Stanford
May in inquire your name, madame?
Emilia
Why would you want to know it?
Stanford
That I may avoid you.
Emilia
In order to gratify so fond a wish, know that I am Emilia Cheatly.
Stanford
Lady Cheatly's daughter?
Emilia
None other.
Stanford
I had heard that lady had two daughters. One sensible, the other a
dizzy creature.
Emilia
Very true.
Stanford
I fear you must be the troublesome one.
Emilia
Impertinent. It is my sister. She dotes on men, especially fops. I
am sure she would find you charming.
Stanford
Most women dote on fops. Surely you do not pretend to be an
exception?
Emilia
And most men love a flibbertigibbet.
Stanford
When did you see a man so foolish as a woman?
Emilia
When I see you.
Stanford
No, no. No man will ever rival a woman in folly.
Emilia
That's hard. I find nothing but owls among the best of you.
Stanford
This is not altogether so much impertinence as I expected from a
woman. But, let me tell you, I have too often suffered by women not to
fear the best of them.
Emilia
I must confess you are not so ridiculous as the rest of mankind. I
would give money to see a man that is not so.
Stanford
This looks like sense. I find she does understand something. A
miracle for a woman.
Emilia
This is not so foppish as I believed, yet it is very impertinent of
you to tell me what I know already.
Stanford
I am sure not many of your sex have such discernment.
Emilia
I am sure you have little. You cannot distinguish between those
that have and those that have not.
Stanford
I find I can endure you better than most women.
Emilia
To be honest with you, you are not so troublesome a fop as I
expected.
Stanford (aside)
What the devil makes me think this woman attractive? (to Emilia) I
can bear this with patience, but if you should grow troublesome, I
shall run away presently. (aside) What an owl I am to like her.
Emilia
Pray heaven you don't give me the first occasion to flee. (aside)
Well, I don't know what's the matter, but I like this man strangely.
What a fool I am.
Stanford (aside)
I don't care how long I am with her.
Emilia
I see my mother coming. If she sees me, she will lock me up or
pester me to receive Mr. Trim or Sir Positive Atall. I must hide.
Stanford
Let me assist you.
(Emilia and Stanford hurry out together. Enter Lady Cheatly, with a fan. Tope enters after her, in hot pursuit.)
Lady Cheatly
Are there no gallants left? Poor gentle love is now neglected, and
all men's heads lie towards knavery and business, like my brother,
Scroop. I have walked the whole length of the Mall alone on purpose for
an amorous adventure and met none; (vexed) none except this old, red-nosed, battered drunkard.
Tope
She is richly laden. I'll board her. Sure she is an alderman's
wife. I have not cuckolded an alderman these seven years. Pray she be
sound— She's of quality, but may be no sounder for that. Hail,
solitary damsel. By thy pensive walking, I find thou art in distress,
and being a true knight errant, come to offer thee the succor of my
person.
Lady Cheatly.
Not in so much distress as to require help from you.
Tope
Come, I know what you want.
Lady Cheatly
What, do you think I have a mind to drink a bottle or two?
Tope
You take my meaning well enough. (leering) Have at you!
Lady Cheatly
Hold, hold. Methinks you are an ancient gentleman.
Tope
Ancient! God take me, I am tough and well-seasoned. All this
younger generation are starvelings and have the rickets.
Lady Cheatly
Do not grow troublesome. (aside) Why is it my luck to catch an old
pig when I want a young stud.
Tope
Troublesome? Don't be foolish. Don't push the dainty aside until
you have tasted it.
Lady Cheatly
Taste your dainty? I'm sure it's stale.
Tope
Stale! You don't know what's in me.
Lady Cheatly
Last night's lewd dose and two bottles this morning. That an old
gentleman with one foot in the grave should be thus lewd.
Tope (aside)
I'll kick her. But, I'll dissemble. A whore she is, my whore I'll
make her. (aloud) Come dear, do not take me for a milk sop. Women are
born to be controlled.
Lady Cheatly
Old gentleman, be civil.
Tope
Old again! You're going to get it now. I know what you are come for
and you shall not go without it. Come, come, wench.
Lady Cheatly
You are a saucy fool and I'll have you kicked.
Tope (grabbing her)
Come, come, you shall go.
Lady Cheatly
Help, help!
(Enter Stanford)
Stanford
How now, Jack, ravishing?
Lady Cheatly
A thousand thanks for delivering me from the assaults of this
libidinous old goat.
Stanford
So fine a lady shall never want any service I can do her.
Lady Cheatly
Any service, sir? Sweet sir, your manner is as obliging as your
person.
Stanford
Do not worry about Jack. Say what he will, he is as harmless a man
to a lady as can be.
Lady Cheatly
I knew it instantly.
Tope
Now I see her face, take her and make your best on it.
Lady Cheatly
Shall I, who, in my not too distant youth, charmed all gallants
even to fascination and have been adored by the Lords Spiritual and
Temporal be thus slandered? Know, I have more beauty than you can make
use of, poor railing buffoon.
Tope
Whoever commits adultery with thee, it must be merely the act of
the devil; there's nothing o the flesh in it. You out paint the Whore
of Babylon.
Lady Cheatly
'Tis false, rude fellow. I only use a wash. A mere wash.
Tope
No more does a wall. You would appear by art a beauty, but are by
nature, a mummy.
Lady Cheatly
Was there ever so rude a person?
Tope
Why thou piece of clockwork, thou hast no teeth, no hair, no
eyebrows nor complexion but what cost thee money. There's wit, old
sybil.
Stanford
You know where you are, sir?
Tope (not flinching)
What, sir?
Stanford (aside to Tope)
Jack, dissemble. There's a trick in it.
Tope
Pox on her. I care not if she were hanged.
(Exit Tope.)
Lady Cheatly
Please protect me to my house. There I shall try to make some
measure of return for this favor. I assure you there is not a person
living who has more ways of showing gratitude than I.
Stanford
I am your slave, madame.
Lady Cheatly
I have something to impart to you in which I would not willingly
meet an interruption. Let us retire to a more fitting place.
(Stanford and Lady Cheatly exit arm in arm.)
CURTAIN
A room in Sir Humphrey's house, later the same evening.
Sir Humphrey
I wonder what keeps Stanford?
(Tope looks as if he would explain, then changes his mind.)
Sir Humphrey
No matter. We shall feast with the best of foods, the rarest of
wines, the choicest music, the best of women.
Tope
Whores you mean?
Sir Humphrey
What use can we make of honest women?
Tope
None.
Sir Humphrey
Whores, I do mean: with whom after we have danced and dined—we'll
take to scented baths and there—soak—till we be refreshed.
(Enter Striker, Friske, and Lucy.)
Sir Humphrey
Here's my mistress.
Striker
We come to wish you joy.
Sir Humphrey
You bring it with you.
Tope
Are these whores?
Sir Humphrey
Whores? That's a dirty word. There are no whores but poor whores.
These are ladies.
Striker
You are the pattern of all knights. You keep your mistress so fine.
Sir Humphrey
I yield to Mr. Trim. He starves his mother to keep you in style.
Striker
I must confess he does pretty well.
Sir Humphrey
Why didn't you bring him?
Striker
If I did, he'd always be going about with me. I am too much a lady
to permit that!
Friske
I wish I could control Sir Christopher the way you govern poor
Trim. I should be a princess.
Lucy (softly)
I don't want to govern you, my dear. I want nothing but your love.
Sir Humphrey (to a footman)
Send for music! I'll please all my senses at once. I hate a man who
is a mere drunkard or a mere wencher.
Tope
There spake an oracle.
Footman
Mr. Scroop.
(Enter Scroop.)
Scroop
Good evening, Sir Humphrey. I have brought the mortgage.
Sir Humphrey
Sit down and eat with us, cousin.
Scroop
I will not eat meat.
Tope
Have a little beer or wine.
Lucy
Let us not mind this brute.
Striker
Filthy fellow! Will he not please his stomach?
Sir Humphrey
Here are fine ladies! Here's a sight for you.
Scroop
I am married. This is abominable, profane, scandalous.
Lucy
I hear he keeps his wife locked up.
Striker
I have heard that; but I also have heard she has a way to get out.
Sir Humphrey
You scandalize the ladies. I will sign and seal. Let us withdraw.
(Exit Sir Humphrey, Lucy, and Scroop.)
Tope
Sweet Mrs. Striker, shall we make use of this opportunity?
Striker
I would not be false to Mr. Trim for all the world.
Tope
But he's ugly and foolish.
Striker
But he's good-natured and keeps me in high style.
Prig (who has been talking with Friske)
True to Sir Christopher? Surely, you'll not be so unfashionable a
thing as to be faithful?
Friske
I have a conscience, sir.
Prig
True, he pays for your body; but it is not fit he should have your
soul.
Striker (interrupting and laughing)
That will not serve your turn.
Prig
Give me the soul and I shall soon have the body.
Friske
Not mine, sir. Shall it ever be said that I am false to Sir
Christopher?
Prig
Should it ever be told, he'd not believe it.
Friske
I desire but to visit you while Sir Christopher is unfit because of
drink.
Prig
Why, that is every day. Kind thought.
(Enter Sir Christopher with Hackum and Bluffe. Sir Christopher is singing.)
Friske
It's my gallant and his rough friends. (she moves to Tope)
Hackum
Who's that talking with your wench?
Bluffe
Shall I pluck out porker and run him through?
Sir Christopher
No, no, he's an honest fellow: Jack Tope. As mad as the rest of us.
How now, Jack Tope? We have had a rare night of it.
Tope
Greetings, dear, hopeful boy.
Friske (to Sir Christopher)
Oh, my dear. Why did you expose yourself to such danger, knowing
how fondly I love you?
Sir Christopher
Peace, no harm done; we only broke a hundred pounds worth of
windows. Please know my friends Captain Hackum and Sergeant Bluffe.
(Hackum and Bluffe make up to Striker as quickly as they can, after exchanging bows with the rest of the company. Re-enter Sir Humphrey and Lucy.)
Sir Humphrey
Cousin Scroop has made me promise to come to see him dissect a
lobster later this evening.
Lucy
Surely you won't go?
Sir Humphrey
I may. Cousin Christopher, your servant.
Sir Christopher
May I present Captain Hackum and Sergeant Bluffe?
Sir Humphrey
Great names, indeed, but they are somewhat negligent in their
toilet.
Sir Christopher
Never mind that; they are as brave as lightning.
Lucy
They look rather dreadful. Come, ladies, there are cards within.
(The three women go out.)
Sir Christopher
Each of them has killed his man. But they are good fellows and sing
the purest bawdy songs. Hey, are we not mad fellows?
(Re-enter Trim.)
Trim
Sir Humphrey, your humble servant.
Sir Humphrey
Sweet, Mr. Trim.
Trim
Where is Mrs. Striker?
Sir Humphrey
Within with Lucy and Mrs. Friske.
Trim
I long to see the pretty rogue. I have not seen her these two
hours. (seeing Sir Christopher) Oh, God, Sir Christopher and his
bullies. Hide me! They threaten to fight with me if I will not drink
and play at dice.
Sir Christopher (spying Trim)
Where is the scoundrel that will not drink! Draw, sir, I will tap
you and let out the wine you have already drunk.
Sir Humphrey
Good cousin, spare his life for my sake.
Sir Christopher
For your sake, he lives, but on the condition he shall drink and
play.
Trim
Commit not a rape on me. I never drink between meals. I would not
be intoxicated for the universe.
Sir Humphrey (examining Sir Christopher)
Have you been in a fight?
Sir Christopher
A skirmish, a mere skirmish.
(Trim has been playing dice with Hackum and Bluffe.)
Trim
Gentlemen, let me give over play. You have gotten my gold watch and
diamond ring and twenty pounds to boot.
Bluffe
You shall play another twenty pounds, by God.
Trim
What would you have of a man? I can't abide gambling.
Hackum
You don't take us for cheats, do you?
Trim
Not for the world.
Hackum (menacingly)
You'd best not.
Bluffe
Will you play or no?
Trim
Double or quits.
(They roll the dice.)
Trim
Double ten. I'm quit.
Bluffe
It was a seven.
Hackum (to Bluffe)
If you do this, you'll lose him forever.
Bluffe
Was it double ten?
Hackum
He's in the right.
Bluffe
It's your trick, but you shall not go.
(Enter Lucy, Striker and Friske.)
Striker
Is he here? Now you shall see how to treat a man.
Trim
My dear, are you here?
Striker
Yes, you fop. But, why are you here?
Trim
Don't be angry. I came to escort you home.
Striker
I'll not go. Go home by yourself. Go, I say. Go quickly.
Trim
Dear Striker, let me stay.
Bluffe and Hackum
Ay, let him stay.
Striker
Shall I have people think you are jealous of me? How dare you to
come after me?
Trim
Jealous! I scorn their words.
Striker
Go home, then! Why do you stay when I bid you go? Do you think you
are fit to be see in good company because I am?
Lucy
Let me intercede for him.
Striker
He shall not stay. If I should suffer him to stay, he'd always be
peeking after me.
Trim
I'll give you all the money I have about me if you'll let me stay.
Striker
Let me have it.
Trim
There.
Striker
Well, I'll go home with you. Wait outside for me for an hour until
I am ready.
(Enter Scroop, ready to leave.)
Scroop
Good evening, cousin. I must go home to take a swimming lesson. At
nine precisely, I will dissect the crustacean.
Sir Humphrey
I will be there, cousin.
Scroop
Mr. Trim, you here? You promised to be present at my swimming
lesson. Will you come?
Trim
Why, so I did. Dear Striker, may I go?
Striker
Very well, go. But, don't flirt.
(Scroop and Trim bow themselves out.)
Sir Humphrey
Sir Christopher, Jack Tope, a word with you. This foolish cousin of
mine has made me promise to watch him dissect a lobster. Gentlemen, a
design comes into my head of carrying this company, women and fiddlers,
to that wretch's house.
Sir Christopher
Did I not tell you, Hackum, there was not a finer knight in
Christendom?
Lucy
We shall certainly have very good sport.
Tope
That's well. 'Twill frighten him out of his wits, and perhaps, free
his wife in the bargain.
Sir Humphrey
I have a design against his niece Lady Cheatly's daughter.
Tope
Does that witch lodge with him?
Sir Humphrey
Yes. And I love one of her daughters.
Tope
Which one?
Sir Humphrey
I don't know.
Tope
Perhaps I shall be revenged on this Lady Cheatly. For that was she
I met in the Mall today.
Sir Humphrey
And Mrs. Scroop, who was once my mistress and has caused me great
embarrassment today, will be obliged to meet me and keep her tongue
quiet.
Sir Christopher
'Tis resolved, then. We'll tear the ground, roar, and make more
noise than a sea fight.
Sir Humphrey
Well said, Sir Christopher. Do you hear? (to a footman) Bid all my
coaches come to the gate. Prepare baskets of wine and food.
Sir Christopher
But, we must first let him get home. There's time for a bottle or
two. Come, let's march, brave Bluffe and Hackum. To the wars!
(Exeunt singing.)
CURTAIN
The home of Scroop and his sister Lady Cheatly.
(Lady Cheatly and Stanford enter, arm in arm.)
Lady Cheatly
And that's the bedroom.
Stanford
Delightful house.
Lady Cheatly
I swear you are the most gallant and proficient gentleman in this
town.
Stanford
You flatter me, madame.
Lady Cheatly
It's a shame you keep company with such a scoundrel as Sir
Humphrey.
Stanford
He's your cousin, is he not?
Lady Cheatly
Yes, but he's a rake. I am afraid to allow him near my house for
fear he'll debauch my daughters.
Stanford
But, madame, he's a man of sense. There are so few in this town. I
am persecuted with fools.
Lady Cheatly
That's true. But a woman of fashion and business such as myself
must put up with fools, dear Stanford. Otherwise we should lack the
opportunity to meet men of sense such as yourself.
Stanford
You are too kind, Lady Cheatly.
Lady Cheatly
You may call me Honora.
Stanford
Honora. Will you introduce me to your family?
Lady Cheatly
I hesitate to introduce you to my daughters. They are such forward
young sluts and have no manners. The women of today are not brought up
to be ladies.
Stanford
I am sure that your daughters cannot fail to be like their mother.
(aside) I am in love with her daughter.
Lady Cheatly
Have you heard of the fame of my brother Sir Gimrack Scroop?
Stanford
Only by report, madame. A moneylender, is he not?
Lady Cheatly
He is a businessman. But that is only a small part of his life. He
devotes most of his time to experiments in natural philosophy. He
confidently expects to be elected to the Royal Society any day.
Stanford
Indeed?
Lady Cheatly
Come, it is time for his swimming lesson. I will show you.
(The scene opens to discover Scroop learning to swim upon a table. Trim and the Swimming Master are standing by.)
Trim
This is very fine; in a short time you will arrive at that
perfection in this watery science that not a frog will exceed you.
Swimming Master
Ah, well struck, sir. That was admirable. That was as well swum as
any man in England. Observe the frog, draw up your arms a little nearer
and then thrust them out strongly. So—very well—incomparable.
Stanford
Let's not interrupt, madame, but observe a little this great
curiosity.
Lady Cheatly.
It is a noble invention. A thing the Royal College never thought
on.
Scroop
Let me rest a little to respire. So, it is wonderful, my noble
friend, to observe the agility of this pretty animal, which
notwithstanding I impede its motion by the detention of this filum or
thread within my teeth, which makes a ligature about its loins and
though by many sudden stops I cause the animal to sink—yet with
indefatigable activity it rises upon the superficies of this humid
element.
Trim
True, noble sir, and I am confident your genius will make art equal
or exceed nature; nor will this or any other frog upon the face of the
earth out swim you.
Scroop (roused, enthusiastic)
Sir, I expect, in a little time, to become amphibious; a man of art
may appropriate any element to himself. I am now so far advanced in the
art of flying that I can already out fly that ponderous animal called a
hoot owl; nor should any greyhound in England catch me once I get upon
wing.
Trim
Doubtless, sir, if you proceed in these swift gradations as you
have in the past, you will no doubt succeed in your noble enterprise of
flying to the moon.
Scroop
Right. For the moon being domina humidorum, to wit, the governess
of moist bodies, it has, no doubt, the superior government of all
islands. (pause) Now, having sufficiently refreshed my lungs by way of
respiration, I will return with renewed zeal to my swimming.
(Scroop lies back on the table and swims furiously.)
Swimming Master
Admirably well struck. Rarely swum. He shall swim with any man in
Europe.
Trim
Hold sir, here is that noble gentleman I invited to kiss your
hands. I am not a little proud of being the grateful and happy
instrument of the necessitude and familiar communication which is like
to intervene between you.
Stanford
Your most humble servant, sir.
Scroop
You are welcome to my poor laboratory.
Stanford
I am your humble admirer.
Trim
All the ingenious world are proud of Sir Nicholas Gimrack Scroop
for his physico-mechanical excellencies.
Scroop
I confess I have some felicity in that way. Would my tongue were as
rarely hung as yours and I would yield to none.
Stanford
Of all quaint inventions, none ever came near this of swimming.
Trim
An excellent method. In a fortnight it has advanced him to be the
best swimmer in Europe. He can out swim any fish of his size.
Stanford
Have you ever tried in the water, Mr. Scroop?
Scroop
Never, sir; but I swim most excellently on land. I hate water, sir.
I never come upon water; it makes one confoundedly wet.
Stanford
Then, there is no use of swimming.
Scroop
I content myself with the speculative part of swimming; I care
nothing for the practice. Like the Greeks, knowledge for its own sake
is my ultimate end. But, I have begun a book on the subject.
(Enter Sir William.)
Stanford
Have you performed many experiments?
Scroop
Oh, yes. Most recently I transfused the blood of a sheep into a
madman. The eminent sheep died.
Trim
Upon my integrity, he has advanced transfusion to the acme of
perfection.
Scroop
The patient, from being manical became ovine or sheepish and chewed
the cud; a sheep's tail soon emerged from his anus or human fundament.
Sir William
Will you never leave lying and quacking with your blood
transfusions and fool's tricks? Why, if the blood of an ass were
transfused into a virtuoso, you would not know the eminent ass from the
recipient philosopher.
Trim
You are very pleasant and will have your jest.
Sir William
You are the zany to this mountebank.
Scroop
Cousin, don't interrupt us. To convince you of the truth of what I
say, here's a letter from one of my patients who calls himself the
meanest of my flock and sends me some of his own wool.
Sir William
Surely, he bleated his thanks to you. You deserve to be hanged. You
killed four or five that I know of with your transfusions.
Scroop (protesting)
Their bowels were gangrened before the operation.
Sir William
All dead. And they hang murderers and cut purses while this quack
walks free.
Scroop
I protest—
Sir William
Let me see you invent anything so useful as a mousetrap, and I'll
believe some of your lies.
(Exit Sir William.)
Scroop
I hope you will pardon the rough nature of my cousin who spares
nobody. By the way, gentlemen, what country air to you like best?
Stanford
Why, we cannot travel far for it this evening!
Scroop
Travel! Why, I never travel. I take it in a close chamber.
Stanford
How is this?
Scroop
Choose what air you like. Newmarket air, Bury air, Norwich air.
Stanford
But, how can you take several airs in your chamber?
Scroop
I employ men all over England who bottle up air, seal it
hermetically, and send it to me.
Stanford
This is wondrous.
Scroop
Now I have a mind to Bury air. (opening a cupboard, disclosing
bottle after bottle) Help me open the bottles and be ready to snuff it
up.
Trim
Isn't it admirable? Who would go to Bury to take it?
Scroop
Not I. It is much the fresher for being bottled.
Trim (opening a bottle)
'Tis delicious. Very refreshing.
Scroop
Did I tell you I have it weighted? I can tell to a grain what a
gallon of any air in England weighs.
Trim
The foolish world will soon learn to snuff up bottled air as they
do bottled drink.
Scroop
That day, my fortune is made.
(Servant enters.)
Servant
Sir, sir! Stand upon your guard. The house is beset by a great
rabble who threaten to pull you out of it and pull you to pieces.
Scroop
Heavens, what's the matter?
Servant
Sir, they are ribbon makers who have been informed you are the man
who invented the engine loom and they are resolved to hang you for it,
because they can get no work.
(Shouting without.)
Stanford
I shall be lucky to escape with my life for being in such company.
Faith, I deserve it.
Scroop
Gentlemen, gentlemen, I protest they wrong me. I never invented
anything useful in my life.
Stanford
Get your guns and pistols charged.
Trim
Now it is time for me to show my parts. I have a better weapon.
Scroop
What weapon, Mr. Trim?
Trim
Eloquence. Let me alone, I shall calm the outrageous waters.
Stanford
Brave fool. It will never do.
Trim
You know not the charm of oratory. Not long ago it was my fortune
to be near the Temple stairs when the water-men, having drunk too deep
of liquor were blown into a tempest. Straight I ventured into the
intemperate crowd, and by pouring honeyed words on the seas, calmed
them, dispelled the barbarity of their overly fermented minds, and
gently recomposed them into a sedate temper. (going out heroically)
Now, for the power of oratory.
Lady Cheatly
Protect me.
Scroop
Be so kind, sir, as to remain here with my sister. I shall take the
precaution of backing Mr. Trim's honeyed words with muskets. Arm
yourself, Roger.
(Exit Swimming Master, Scroop, and Servant, after Trim.)
Lady Cheatly
Do not think, sir, that just because we are alone that you can—
Stanford
Never dream of it.
Lady Cheatly
My honor is proof against such chances, I assure you.
Stanford
I would never.
Lady Cheatly
If your intentions be not honorable, you'll provoke me strangely.
Stanford
Madame, I assure you—
Lady Cheatly
I am experienced and proof against (softly) temptation.
Stanford (aside)
'Sdeath. She will talk of nothing else.
(Enter Emilia.)
Lady Cheatly (stamping her foot)
What makes you saucily intrude on this gentleman and me?
Emilia
A certain curiosity of doing things that are forbidden me.
Lady Cheatly
'Tis very well. But, pray you gape not after him. You may, if you
please, call him uncle. In the meantime, get you in. (aside) Will the
slut forage with her mother? She shall have none of him!
(Emilia leaves as she came. Voices are heard from the crowd.)
Voices
Hang the fop. Kill the word monger. Death to the virtuoso.
(A volley of gunshots. Lady Cheatly huddles against Stanford. The servant returns.)
Servant
Sir Positive Atall and Mr. Prig dispersed the mob with gunfire.
They had nearly lynched Mr. Trim.
Stanford
Oh, now I am undone and ruined forever. Sir Positive is coming.
(Enter Prig and Positive, to the confusion of Lady Cheatly. Servant leaves.)
Sir Positive
I heard your ladyship was here and came to kiss your hand. (spying
Stanford who was trying to hide in a corner) Oh, Stanford, you here.
Well, I am glad you are together. You shall hear the music I promised
you this morning.
Stanford
Let it be another time. (aside) When shall I be delivered from
these fools?
Sir Positive (looking at his music)
Let me see. Fa, la, la.
Stanford
Sure this is magic never to be free.
Sir Positive
Do you talk of magic?
Stanford
No, no, no, not I. I understand nothing of it.
Sir Positive
I do. If you please, talk of something else, leave that to me.
Prig
Dear Stanford, I knew I would find you here. I had not the power to
stay away. Let me hug you, dear heart. (embracing the horrified
Stanford) I had rather hug you than any woman.
Lady Cheatly
For the honor of our sex, pray you remain of the same mind.
Prig
I'll tell you, dear heart, I love you with all my heart. You're a
man of sense. I am infinitely happy in your friendship, for between you
and me this town is more pestered with idle fellows than you can
imagine.
Stanford
I have every reason to believe you.
Prig (drawing him aside)
But, I have a secret to impart to you.
Stanford (hastily)
Don't trust me with it. I have a faculty of telling all I know. I
cannot help of it.
Prig
Only this, Stanford. I have heard your resolution to quit this
town. I am of your opinion. It's intolerable that you can never be free
from fools in this town. I like your resolution so well that I am the
son of a whore if I don't go along with you.
Stanford (aghast)
You honor me too much.
Prig
I always stand by my friends.
Lady Cheatly
I think retiring to a monastery is very poetic.
Prig
Very.
Lady Cheatly
It puts me in mind of Mr. Trim's poetry.
Prig (acidly)
Trim, a poet? A poetical pimp, is he not?
Sir Positive (looking up from his music)
Who's that speaks of pimping? Well! But, I cannot pass this without
manifest injury to myself.
Lady Cheatly
But, sir, are you such a man?
Sir Positive
Why, madame, did you never hear of me for this?
Lady Cheatly
No, sir—if I had—
Sir Positive
If you had! Ha, ha, ha. Why, where have you lived all this while?
Lady Cheatly (upset)
I shall lose my precious reputation if I be seen in his company.
Sir Positive
The pimps in this town are a company of empty, idle, insipid, dull
fellows that have no design in them.
Lady Cheatly
I am sorry you are such a man.
Sir Positive
Sorry! If I were to apply myself to it, I would starve all these
pimps.
Lady Cheatly
Surely, you are jesting?
Sir Positive
Jesting? Why, there is not a whore in this entire town that I am
not intimately acquainted with, that I do not know the state of her
body from first entering into her calling.
Lady Cheatly
Sir!
Sir Positive
Besides, for debauching women, madame, I am the greatest
whoremaster in the British Isles, nay, Europe, too.
Lady Cheatly
Out upon you! If you be such a man, I will never see you more.
(aside) Is it possible he is such a man? It's easy to underestimate
people.
Sir Positive
I beg a thousand pardons. I was speaking only of the speculative
part of pimping, not the practical.
Lady Cheatly (aside, disappointed)
I knew it all along. (aloud) If you had not brought yourself off
with your speculation, I would never have suffered you to have
practiced on me. No woman in England values her honor more than I do.
(Enter Steward.)
Steward
Your daughters request your presence, and the presence of the
gentlemen.
Lady Cheatly
Gentlemen, if you will go in, I have a collation prepared—and
cards. I will present my daughters to you. I must have a word with my
Steward.
(The gentlemen leave.)
Lady Cheatly
How many mortgages have I got today?
Steward
Three, madame, and the prospect of three more.
Lady Cheatly
Excellent. (she begins to go in)
Steward
Madame, I have private business for your ladyship's ear.
Lady Cheatly
Speak freely.
Steward
My business concerns your ladyship and myself so nearly that you
must pardon me if I urge it home.
Lady Cheatly
Speak plainly.
Steward
You yourself can witness that I've served you faithfully.
Lady Cheatly
I can and I'll reward you well.
Steward
In your service, I have lost my honesty, betrayed my conscience,
and become an accessory to your frauds.
Lady Cheatly
I am sorry you think it necessary to ask for the reward I intended
to give you. You may take a thousand pounds. That's generous, I hope.
Steward
A thousand pounds. A paltry thousand pounds. I scorn it.
Lady Cheatly
You scorn it?
Steward
The bonds you have given to people and the assignments and
declaration of trust you have given your brother are worthless. They
are written in a special ink that I myself procured for you and within
a month will vanish. Is it not true?
Lady Cheatly
What then? My husband was cheated of his estate by my brother and
'tis fit I should take letters of reprisal.
Steward (dryly)
No doubt.
Lady Cheatly (uneasily)
When my estate is out of dispute, you may have more and gladly!
Steward
I do not desire money.
Lady Cheatly
Then, why this blackmailing?
Steward
No, madame, I have long honored and loved you. Nothing less than
your person can ever satisfy me.
Lady Cheatly
How, sir!
Steward
Take care, madame. Be not proud. Be not haughty. With one word I
can blast your fortune and send you to Newgate. But, marry me, and I'll
be your humble servant as before.
Lady Cheatly
Insolent villain. Surely you are jesting?
Steward
By heaven, it is no jest.
Lady Cheatly
Give me time to consider of it.
Steward
I can give none, nor will.
Lady Cheatly
Marriage will stop all my business and I shall get no more money
from my brother.
Steward
We'll keep it private.
Lady Cheatly (sweetly)
I must confess, it is the thing I wished for most upon earth.
Steward (ecstatic)
Then, I am happy and will serve you till my death.
Lady Cheatly (aside)
Which may be soon! (embracing him) Now we understand each other.
One difficulty remains. You are my main witness and when we are married
you cannot be a witness; therefore, if you will go to a Master of
Chancery and swear to all my deeds and make an affidavit to my estate,
the next hour shall make me your wife.
Steward (smiling)
Before, Madame, I never will. After, for my own sake, I must. I
shall not be your dupe, madame.
Lady Cheatly
But, if it is found we are married—
Steward
I shall procure a parson and none shall know it but him.
Lady Cheatly
On the condition that I procure the parson myself, I agree.
Steward
I am transported with happiness.
Lady Cheatly (aside)
You shall be transported indeed if you are lucky enough not to be
hanged. (aloud) My brother is coming. Withdraw, I'll come to you as
soon as I can.
(The Steward goes out. Enter Scroop by another door.)
Scroop
Well, sister, it takes.
Lady Cheatly (uneasily)
I told you it would. Where are there more fools than in London?
Scroop
You shall not want money so long as I have deeds of trust from you.
All London thinks you are fabulously wealthy.
Lady Cheatly
Some pious old fellow will snap at me, and the rash young fools at
my daughters.
Scroop
I wish you would go to church. It might be a great advantage. I
myself have made much benefit of religion; it is a pious fraud and very
lawful.
Lady Cheatly
No, brother. The Godly have two qualities which would hinder my
design: great covetousness (which would make them pry too narrowly into
my fortune) and much eating (which would eat up what I have).
Scroop
Reproach not the Godly, sister. But, I warn you. Have a care of the
wits. Wits are good for nothing.
Lady Cheatly
They value pleasure and will bid high for it.
Scroop
They understand not business.
Lady Cheatly
All the better.
Scroop
I fear you are vilely tainted with wit.
(Steward enters.)
Steward
The scriveners are come, madame.
Lady Cheatly
Excellent. Bid them wait.
Scroop
I must visit my wife.
(Exit Scroop.)
Steward
Your design prospers beyond our hopes. It has taken fire like a
train. All believe yours to be a great fortune. The belief in your
wealth has spread so far that two citizens from Dublin have just
applied to me to trust their money into your hands, believing you can
employ to more advantage than anybody.
Lady Cheatly
You did not refuse them?
Steward
They will bring their money in the morning. They had to bribe me to
get me to take it.
Lady Cheatly
Ha, ha, ha! And men fancy they understand business.
Steward
Do not forget our agreement.
Lady Cheatly
It is on my mind. But you must be patient, I have guests.
(They confer at one side of the room. Enter Mr. Scroop, bringing in his wife by the arm.)
Mrs. Scroop
Will this tyranny never end? Must I always be thus abridged of
liberty? A cooped up chicken is well fed, but I am cooped up and
starved.
Scroop
Come, love, you have very good, wholesome food. Besides, it's fit
that a young woman should mortify her flesh to keep down her lusts.
Mrs. Scroop
In winter I am kept without fire or candle.
Scroop
To preserve your life, my love. Did you ever see a long-lived cook?
Fire destroys natural heat.
Mrs. Scroop
In winter, your servants wish the plague or any hot disease. For my
part, I could be contented with a mere fever.
Scroop
Could you not exercise to stir up your natural heat?
Mrs. Scroop
You give me little enough exercise, heaven knows.
Scroop (placatingly)
Sweet. (aside) I knew it was exercise she wants.
Mrs. Scroop
I have endured your cruel tyranny too long. But, above all, your
jealousy is most provoking.
Scroop
It's nothing but my love, my great love. I look upon you as I do my
money. I know what a treasure you are.
Mrs. Scroop
I'll have the liberty of an Englishwoman.
Scroop
What? The liberty of receiving visits and meeting young
whoremasters— of cuckolding your husband?
Mrs. Scroop (defiantly)
If it pleases me.
Scroop
Go to your room, hussy.
Mrs. Scroop (venomously)
I will be quits with you.
Scroop
No, you shall not. I will take care not to be a cuckold.
Mrs. Scroop (aside)
Not care enough. (aloud) Peace, old fool. You have worn out all my
patience. Henceforward, I will be a tigress to you. Know, old man, I
have a twin brother, a captain in the army, who will right me. There is
no fiercer man in all England. He'll cut your throat if you abuse me.
Scroop
You threaten me with your brother?
Mrs. Scroop
I will have fifty pounds a night to gamble with.
Scroop
Fifty pounds, dear God.
Mrs. Scroop
Does it break your heart? I'll make you know the right of an
Englishwoman before I have done.
Scroop
Then, correction will ensue.
(Scroop lifts his cane to her. Mrs. Scroop wrests it out of his hand.)
Servant (entering)
Sir, your cousin Sir Humphrey Blockhead-Swash is just entering with
a great train of gentlemen and ladies and has sent a collation of wine
that you may not be at charges.
Lady Cheatly
Lewd wretch. I have forbidden him the house.
Scroop
Confound him and his train. Do you hear, Mrs. go into your chamber.
Mrs. Scroop
I will stay to entertain the ladies.
Scroop
Ladies? Whores! In, or this knife shall be imbrued in thy blood.
Mrs. Scroop (defiantly)
I will not go in.
(Enter Sir Humphrey, Sir Christopher, Bluffe, Hackum, Tope, Lucy, Striker and Friske with fiddlers.)
Sir Humphrey
What's the matter, at wars with your wife, cousin?
Scroop
My dear wife! No, she is not well, she will endanger her health;
and something else which is quite dear to me.
Mrs. Scroop
I am very well. I shall not endanger my health, nor is it dear to
him. Ladies, your humble servant. I am proud of the honor of this
visit.
(All the company “salute,” that is kiss, Mrs. Scroop and Lady Cheatly.)
Scroop
Ounds! She can compliment. Death. They kiss most lasciviously.
Sir Humphrey
Oh, my sweet, my honored cousin Lady Cheatly, your humble servant.
It is a common blockheaded trick to serenade and disturb people at
midnight, I am come to serenade you at nine. I come a housewarming.
Lady Cheatly
Unheard of impudence. Did I not forbid you my house?
Sir Humphrey
Look you, cousin, if you will be civil and well-bred, I will kiss
your hand and use you like a relation. But if wars must ensue, I will
roar and scower your house so that you might lie as quietly in a
besieged town with bombs and carcasses flying about your lodging.
Lady Cheatly
Avaunt, devil incarnate. I'll order you.
Sir Humphrey
Then, enter my friend Jack Tope, all my singers, fiddlers and whole
equipage. Strike up, my lads.
Tope
Come on, my boys, halloo. Come lady, give me your hand, dance and
frisk about.
Lady Cheatly
Hang this old coxcomb. (to Sir Humphrey) Sir, I hope you will be so
civil as to leave my house and to take that old sinner with you.
Tope (indignantly)
No older a sinner than yourself. For serenading and scowering, have
at you, dear lady.
Sir Christopher (to Scroop)
How dost thou do, old boy? We are come to drink, sing, and be merry
with you. (singing) The king's most faithful subjects we, In his
service are not dull. We drink to show our loyalty, And make his
coffers full. Would all his subjects drink like us, We'd make him
richer far, More powerful and more prosperous, Than all the Eastern
monarchs are, Than all the Eastern monarchs are.
Sir Humphrey (to Mrs. Scroop)
To show you I bear you no ill will from this morning, I will
endeavor your release. Be ready.
Mrs. Scroop
You oblige me.
Scroop (coming between them)
Have you any private business with my wife?
Sir Christopher
What a pox! Do you interrupt a gentleman that's talking to your
wife?
Bluffe
He deserves chastisement, uncivil old prig.
Hackum
If he had offered that to me, I would have blown him into atoms.
Sir Christopher
Shall I beat him and kick him damnably and break all his windows,
ha?
Sir Humphrey
Not yet. Come, ladies. I have brought my fiddles. Let's dance.
Scroop
What will become of me? Hell is broke loose. Housewife, remember
this. (to Sir Humphrey_ No, sir, I thank you. (to servant) Go for the
constable.
Servant
Not for the world. Here's a bumper to his health.
Scroop
Hell and confusion! Rogue, I'll murder you.
Servant
But, you shall not starve me more, as long as Sir Humphrey lives.
(The dancing has begun. Sir Humphrey leads Mrs. Scroop.)
Mrs. Scroop
Perfidious man. How I long to tear your eyes out.
Sir Humphrey
You always had a tender heart.
Scroop
Ounds! She dances. Now, where did that slut learn to dance?
(The dancing continues.)
Lady Cheatly (to Scroop)
Tame beast. Make a warrant and send them to the gatehouse or to
Newgate. Oh, what a pitiful nincompoop. What, do you fear him?
Scroop
Have a little patience. I must secure my wife.
Tope
Consider, madame, patience is a great virtue for a lady of your
years.
Lady Cheatly
My years! I spit at you, you old rascal. My years!
Tope
You are a notable girl.
Lady Cheatly (yelling)
Begone, you villainous, lewd rascals.
Tope
Strike up. Louder. Out noise her.
(The music plays louder.)
Lady Cheatly
Ruffians, vagabonds, ragamuffins, slaves, dogs, scoundrels, hold,
hold, hold!
(Stanford enters from the house and goes to Lady Cheatly.)
Stanford
Dissemble a little, madame.
Lady Cheatly
Well, you have silenced me. (to Sir Humphrey) I shall not object
since you say you intend but a little civil music.
Scroop (seeing Sir Humphrey leading out Mrs. Scroop)
Hell and devils. What trick is this? Oh, my wife, my wife!
(Scroop rushes in to grab her.)
Sir Humphrey
Are you mad? It's part of the dance.
Scroop
You shall lead her no such dance.
Sir Christopher
What, do you interrupt the dance? I'll maul you. (kicking Scroop)
Mrs. Scroop
Excellent. I'd give two hundred pounds for this. Taming of the
senses with a vengeance.
Sir Humphrey
Fill every brimmer to Mrs. Scroop's health. Give Scroop one.
Sir Christopher (to Scroop)
Take it and drink to your lady's health or, by the devil, I will
mortify your old flesh.
Scroop
Curses. Well, there's no remedy. (drinking)
Sir Christopher
Well, cousin Humphrey, am I not a very mad fellow?
Scroop
Gentlemen, what have I done to deserve these outrages?
Sir Christopher
Done? Damme, you are a rogue and a usurer and a virtuoso. Is that
not enough?
Striker
Done! Filthy fellow, to shut up your wife against the law of
nature.
Sir Humphrey (to Lady Cheatly)
I must have both my cousins, your daughters. It is my intention to
welcome them to town.
Lady Cheatly
Out of my house. You shall be hanged first.
Sir Humphrey
Secure the doors! Let nobody out. Come lads, let's march and roar.
I will search every room in the house, but I will have them.
Tope
We knights errant, lady, are bound by our noble order to succor
distressed damsels and free them from enchanted castles and from your
viragos, madame, your viragos.
Stanford (to Sir Humphrey)
You shall not carry this off. I passed my word to Lady Cheatly to
protect her, and I shall require a strict account of this affront you
have put upon her.
Sir Humphrey
Are you concerned with the honor of my cousin? What, do you lie
with her?
Stanford
What say you, sir?
Lady Cheatly
Foul-mouthed brute, hold! Shall I, who am as notorious for my
virtue as for my wealth, be blasted by your contagious breath?
Sir Humphrey
What, I? Heaven forbid that I might blast your honor with my
breath. (whistling and walking away) What, my saintly cousin? Why, I
love and honor thee.
Lady Cheatly
Love and honor me? Pray, love and honor me and civilly get out of
my house.
Sir Humphrey
I will, in good time. But, by this hand, I will serenade thee most
confoundedly.
Lady Cheatly (to Stanford)
Sir, I must have your word not to quarrel with him. No dueling.
Stanford
Have no fear, there will be no duel.
(Stanford and Sir Humphrey speak apart.)
Sir Humphrey
Well acted. It goes according to our plan. (to the company) Let us
dance again, Mrs. Scroop.
(Another dance is played.)
Scroop
Come back, whoremaster! Have I caught you, strumpet? There is a
law, sir, remember that.
Hackum
Does the scoundrel talk of law?
Bluffe
Beat his brains out.
Mrs. Scroop
No, gentlemen. He is an old man, and even though he shuts me up in
prison—
Friske and Striker
How, shut up your wife?
Striker
Thou old dotard! Thou shame of mankind.
Friske
Woman was meant to go at large. Filthy creature.
Sir Humphrey
He invades the right of whoremasters.
Lady Cheatly
Promise me you have not fixed a duel.
Stanford
Indeed, no, dear lady. Promise to meet me— (he whispers)
Lady Cheatly
Must it be so?
Sir Humphrey (to Mrs. Scroop)
I have a sure way to free you and my cousins. (whispers to Tope)
SOUSE THE LIGHTS!
(All the lights go out.)
Scroop
Help. Murder. Villains. I am cuckolded, robbed. Whoremasters,
strumpets.
Lady Cheatly (to Stanford)
Come now, come quickly. I will hid you, then I will come to you.
Stanford
At once, dear lady.
(Stanford and Lady Cheatly steal out.)
Sir Humphrey (to Tope)
Count to ten, then yell “fire.” Be sure to set one, too.
Mrs. Scroop
Where are you, my dear? I am sorry if I've been a bad girl.
(leading Striker to him and giving him her hand)
Scroop
That's a girl. Take Daddy's hand. (aside) I'll break all the
harlot's bones.
(Tope, Hackum, Bluffe, and Sir Christopher all yell “Fire, fire, fire.”)
Mrs. Scroop (exiting)
And now, farewell.
(The women shriek.)
Hackum
Gad, it's dark. Have at these women.
(Hackum kisses Friske. Bluffe strikes him.)
Bluffe
Hands off.
Hackum
What rascal cuffed me? Have at somebody.
Sir Humphrey (drawing)
What's the matter?
(All the men draw, the women shriek. A brawl ensues.)
Sir Christopher
Fight on, merry men.
Hackum
Blood will ensue.
Scroop (leading Striker)
Now, madame, I shall chastise you for your insolence, your
whorishness.
Striker (cuffing him)
I don't play that game, old fool.
Scroop
Who is this? My wife, my wife! Where is my wife?
Lady Cheatly (returning in a fury)
Damn you. You spiritless wretch. They have got my daughters out of
the house. Tomorrow, into the country they go. I'll order them.
Tope
Come along, my lads, Hem, hem, madame. Now you shall see who's old.
I will be master of the revels. Ah, I see you have a lady, Mr. Scroop.
Come, join the dance.
A Room in Scroop's house later that night.
(Stanford is waiting for Lady Cheatly. She enters with her fingers to her lips, hushing Stanford.)
Stanford
Sweet madame, your ladyship is come much earlier than I expected.
Let me secure the door.
(Stanford goes to the door, slipping out and letting Tope in.)
Lady Cheatly
Sweet sir, you deserve to be trusted by a lady. (aside) It's
useless trying to pursue my daughters; I have sent the Steward after
them to keep him busy. Well, it's an ill wind that doesn't blow some
good. Ah, you're returning, my Adonis.
(Lady Cheatly does not look around and Tope embraces her from behind.)
Tope
My dear, dear—
Lady Cheatly (recognizing the voice and struggling to free
herself)
Who's there? Old Satan!
Tope
I thought you had been past the age of squeaking.
Lady Cheatly (trying to get loose)
Devil, how came you here?
Tope
Sweet lady, how came you here?
Lady Cheatly
Abused, betrayed, undone. They shall not live who have done this.
Tope
Oh, madame, ladies should kill but with their eyes. Men of honor
assist one another in these necessities.
Lady Cheatly
Vile pimp. Pimp for you.
Tope
Pimp is a foul word. Pimps are rogues. Men of honor are gentlemen.
Lady Cheatly (struggling in great fury)
If only I had a dagger. Let me go, old decrepit nincompoop.
Tope
Not so old as all that. I shall convince you by and by. Have at
you.
Lady Cheatly
Help, help, murder!
Tope
You squeak like one sixteen. If only you could look so. Come, sweet
madame, let us be more familiar. (undoing his breeches)
Lady Cheatly
Stand off, you driveling drunkard. I'll scratch your eyes out.
Tope
Sweet lady, I can secure my eyes against your hands. Ah, could I
have defended my poor heart but half so well against your eyes.
Lady Cheatly (softly)
Let go my hands.
Tope
Let go my heart.
Lady Cheatly (very softly)
Help, help. A rape.
(Tope opens the door and he and Lady Cheatly go out together. A slight pause. Enter Miranda and Trim.)
Trim
Now, if your love has any resolution, you may enjoy me and make
yourself the happiest lady in town—and please me, too.
Miranda
You are so well-bred, so much a gentleman, that all the ladies must
love you.
Trim (complacently)
It's true.
Miranda (fondling his lace)
And then, you dress so finely.
Trim
Most young fellows, when they come to town, attempt to imitate my
dress. But, pretty creature, let us retire.
Miranda
What you please, sir, if you will be civil.
Trim
How she adores me.
(Miranda and Trim go out together.)
Miranda's voice
But, do you love me?
Trim's voice
I kiss the hem of your petticoat.
(Prig enters and, hearing the voices, follows them off, looking indignant. Enter Sir William and Friske.)
Sir William
How happy I am to have found you here, love.
Friske
Dearest, come to me. No one will bother us here.
Sir William
You are a dear creature. It's a wicked age; men these days are
without conscience or respect. In Cromwell's time, men were modest and
ladies virtuous.
Friske
I blush at the impudent creatures of this town. That's the truth of
it.
Sir William
So do I. To see villains wrong their wives, while spending money on
strumpets. It makes my heart bleed.
Friske
Filthy wenches, I am amazed they dare to show their faces.
Sir William
The young are worse. Look at my son and Sir Humphrey. Nothing but
swearing, drinking and whoring. I should be weary of the world and its
vices but that you comfort me sometimes.
Friske
Talk no more of them. I spit at them. Kiss me.
Sir William (fondling her)
Poor sweetheart. Poor darling! We are civil now. What harm's in
this?
Friske
None. None. Poor dear, kiss me again.
Sir William
Poor thing, you shall have this purse.
Friske
I love you, not money. I cannot abide money. (she takes the purse
and it disappears into her clothing) But, if you wish it, to please
you.
Sir William
Poor little thing. I'll bite you on the lips. You have incensed me
strangely; you have fired my blood. I can bear it no longer Where are
the instruments of our pleasure?
Friske
Our pleasure?
Sir William (imperiously)
Do not frown. You shall do it now.
Friske
I wonder that should please you so much that pleases me so little.
Sir William
I was so used to it at school, I could never leave it off since.
Friske
Well, if I must.
(Friske looks about and finds some birch rods.)
Sir William (pulling down his breeches)
But, you are too gentle. You must be stern! Stern! I have been a
bad boy. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
Hackum (outside)
Open the door, you slut. What rascal have you got with you?
Friske (scared)
It's my brother.
Sir William (pulling up his pants)
Hectoring rascal. We had none of this in the last age. Rogues!
Dogs! A man cannot be private with a sister, but he must be disturbed
by an impertinent brother.
Hackum (bursting in)
Where is the slut? By God, it's the young squire's father.
Sir William
Rogue! Dog! Where is my son? I'll cut your throat.
Hackum (stunned)
With his breeches down. Wait till I tell Sir Christopher.
Sir William (helplessly)
I WAS TRYING TO FIND MY SON.
Hackum
With your breeches down? Ho, ho, ho.
Sir William
I'll kill you, you dog.
(Chasing after Hackum with his sword in one hand and holding up his breeches with the other.)
Friske
I must think of something to say to Sir Christopher. How was I to
know the old goat was his father?
(Friske rushes out. Sounds of cursing off. Enter Prig and Trim.)
Prig
You have debauched Miss Miranda.
Trim
She debauched me, sir.
Prig
Come, come, have you made your will?
Trim
Yes, yes, don't trouble yourself for that. I have it always ready
upon these occasions.
Prig
If you have not, your estate may be divided by the lawyers after I
have killed you.
Trim
Sweet Mr. Prig, don't think to frighten me, for I am the son of a
rhinoceros if I fear you more than I do a chipmunk.
Prig
Under favor, I will run you through the lungs immediately.
Trim
I am no gentleman if I don't stick you to the ground at the first
pass.
Prig
Have at you.
(Trim and Prig fight. Trim wins.)
Trim
No, pray quickly.
Prig
I cannot pray very well, but . . . I can run. (running off)
Trim (running after him)
Are you so nimble? I shall overtake you. (Trim cannot catch Prig)
Surely this rogue has run the marathon.
(Enter Mrs. Striker.)
Trim
Hold, hold, I say. I'll spare your life two minutes while I wait
upon this lady.
Prig
Spare my life! I scorn your words. But, take leave of her, since it
is the last time you will ever see her, after I tell her what you have
done with Miss Miranda.
Trim
Vile devil! Will you ruin me with both my mistresses? (to Striker)
Madame, I will but run this fellow through the body a little, and I'll
walk you home. (to Prig) Stand your ground, you coxcomb. Do you think I
am bound to fight you by the mile?
(Striker runs off shrieking.)
Prig
Let's stay a little and debate this business over a bottle of wine.
Trim
No more words, I am roused, I am angry, I am ready.
Prig
Look you, dear Trim, the case is this—
Trim (chasing Prig)
Will you never give over?
Prig
We must adjourn the combat. It's too dark in here. We cannot see to
kill each other. I have sworn never to fight when I cannot see to
parry.
Trim
Light some candles.
Prig (retreating)
I have thought it over. Trim, you're a very honest fellow. I have
an affection for you and devil take me if I will fight with you.
Trim
Why did you call me out then?
Prig
Very rash of me, I confess. Upon my honor, I'll give you a diamond
ring and my favorite horse if you'll oblige me in one thing.
Trim
What can it be?
Prig
Pretend you fought with me and disarmed me.
Trim
I already did.
Prig
Exactly. All we need to do is to make it look a little more
convincing.
Trim
This is strange.
Prig
I'll do as much for you upon any occasion. Upon my honor.
Trim
Would you have a gentleman lie for you?
Prig
Why, I'll lie for you again, man, when you will. What do you talk
of that? Here, take my ring. Do it.
(Trim takes the ring.)
Trim
Very well. But there must be some sign of blood.
Prig
How shall we contrive that? (worried) Wouldn't it be better just to
tear my shirt a little?
Trim
Take your sword and run yourself through the arm.
Prig
Thank you for that! I've known men to have died of that.
Trim
I'll do it myself, then.
Prig (flinching)
Hold, hold, you may prick an artery and I'll bleed to death. You
don't want to be hanged, do you? It will be as well if my shirt be
bloody at the hand. I'll prick my finger for that and run through my
coat.
Trim
Oh, do as you will.
Prig
Dear Trim, kiss me. You have obliged me so! If I die without issue,
I'll make you my heir.
(Enter Sir Positive.)
Sir Positive
What's this? Swords drawn. Put up, for shame. Put up. I am afraid
you do not understand these nice points of honor.
Prig
He had the insolence to call me a dog.
Trim
And he called me a son of a bitch.
Sir Positive
You are out! See the fault of men's education. Why, if any man
tells you more about honor, I am the son of a squirrel. Upon my honor,
you shall embrace.
(Sir Positive leads them out, expostulating to them. Enter Emilia and Stanford.)
Emilia
Well, I am sure I am very foolish to see you like this. I put it
down to my desire to avoid Sir Positive.
Stanford
I doubt I should have come, but I feared to meet Mr. Trim.
Emilia (trying the door)
We are locked in.
Stanford
They must intend to make us as troublesome to each other as they
are to us.
Emilia (aside)
He's so agreeable. I could listen to him all day. (aloud) They
intend to shut us up like a jury until we agree.
Stanford
That will be longer than the siege of Troy. If you become
troublesome, I shall break down the door to escape. (aside) I could
look at her until dawn.
Emilia
Why don't you break open the door?
Stanford (sighing)
I don't find much reason for it yet.
Emilia
I could find it in my heart to give you enough.
Stanford
Undoubtedly, madame, it is in your nature. (the key turns in the
lock) Someone has unlocked the door, I think.
Emilia
Why don't you go? The door is open now, sir.
Stanford
I am afraid I shall light on worse company.
Emilia
Oh, sir, that's impossible.
Stanford
How vain this is of you. Now you would give me occasion to flatter
you, but I assure you, you will miss in your design.
Emilia
Well, this is an extraordinary man. I love the very sight of him.
(aloud) I wonder, sir, you'll be so foppish as to imagine I love to be
flattered.
Stanford
What an owl I am to like this woman. Sure, I am bewitched. (aloud)
Why don't you leave, madame?
Emilia (offering to go)
I will. Yet, I'd rather stay here than venture out. You are not so
insupportable.
Stanford (aside)
Rare woman.
(Enter Sir Positive.)
Stanford
Good God, Sir Positive. It is too late to fly.
Sir Positive
Do you talk of flying, Jack? I'll teach you that with the greatest
ease in the world.
(Emilia and Stanford exchange a significant glance, as the Curtain falls.)
CURTAIN
Sir Humphrey's house, early next morning. It is evident that there
has
been an orgy. Bottles and litter are everywhere.
(Enter Mrs. Scroop, dressed as her brother Captain Wildfire; she wears a sword and carries a swagger stick.)
Mrs. Scroop
I see that this is a fine well-governed household.
Tope (starting up from the couch where he has been sleeping)
Hush, captain, the servants are all drunk and asleep.
Mrs. Scroop
I must speak with Sir Humphrey Blockhead-Swash. My business is
urgent.
Tope
I'll find him. Halloo, brother! You have a visitor.
(Enter Sir Humphrey in a dressing gown, much the worse for wear.)
Mrs. Scroop
I hope you will excuse the disturbance when you know my business.
Sir Humphrey
A gentleman's commands can never disturb me.
Mrs. Scroop
I am Harry Wildfire, brother to Letitia Scroop, wife of a wretched
usurer, who, I am informed, is in your house.
Sir Humphrey
Yes, he brought the watch here, and was taken prisoner. I have him
in the wine cellar. But you are much like your sister. Much like.
Mrs. Scroop (aside)
Oh, how I long to scratch his face. But I have a better way.
(aloud) We are as much alike as it is possible to be, sir. If her
husband is here, I beg you will deliver him over to me to be used as he
deserves for the barbarity he has practiced on my sister.
Sir Humphrey
Nothing would please me better. My house is free to you. Sir, I
will go in and dress and then wait on you.
(Exit Sir Humphrey and Tope. Pause. Tope leads in a bedraggled Scroop.)
Mrs. Scroop
Is your name Scroop?
Scroop
It is. (looking at Wildfire) You look damnably like my wife.
Mrs. Scroop
I am Wildfire, her brother. I have been at her house and she is
missing.
Scroop
Missing? The slut has not returned home?
Mrs. Scroop
Murderer. You have killed her. I am here to take revenge.
Scroop
She has run away from me, and I believe she is in this house,
playing the whore with Sir Humphrey.
Mrs. Scroop
Villain, you lie! Upon my honor, you have not a quarter of an hour
to live. Had she not been murdered, she would have come to one of her
relations.
Scroop (leaving)
If she be killed, I had no hand in it.
Mrs. Scroop (striking him with her swagger stick)
Would you try to leave? Try again.
Scroop (rubbing his shoulder)
I wasn't going anywhere at all.
Mrs. Scroop
Kneel and pray.
Scroop
I cannot pray.
Mrs. Scroop
The damned never can. I have lost a sister, and unless you produce
her this instant, I shall do my country and all your debtors a service
by sacrificing your life.
Scroop
Let me settle my affairs. If you kill me, you will deprive the
world of one of the greatest natural philosophers of the age.
Mrs. Scroop
What do I care about natural philosophy? No. You must die now.
Scroop
On the word of a dying man, your sister ran away from me. I locked
her up to save the honor of your family, for she is a most salacious
woman.
Mrs. Scroop
My sister? Salacious? Do you insult my sister?
Scroop
I only said—
Mrs. Scroop
You insult the memory of my sister, old dotard? (drawing) Die now.
Scroop
Let me but live to repent a while.
Mrs. Scroop
Dissuade me not.
(Enter Sir Humphrey, dressed.)
Sir Humphrey
Do not kill him.
Mrs. Scroop
What use is there to let him live?
Scroop
I am but fifty years old, sir. But fifty years old.
Mrs. Scroop
Fifty years too old.
Sir Humphrey
Hear me, good captain. He seems to me to be a sturdy old bird that
can carry arms.
Mrs. Scroop
Say you so? Ay, that will do. I'll take him as a recruit to
Flanders. And if I don't hear of my sister in a reasonable time, I'll
hang him or put him before a firing squad.
Scroop
But, noble captain, I am a hideous coward. I shall run away.
Mrs. Scroop
Do! And I shall have the distinct pleasure of hanging you according
to the law. Here, take a shilling, usurer.
Scroop
I must confess, I have a great respect for a shilling and never
could refuse one in my life.
Mrs. Scroop
You are enrolled, sir.
Scroop (cunningly)
I hope you'll let me go upon parole, sir, to furnish myself with
necessaries.
Mrs. Scroop
No, I'll furnish them. If you run from your colors, soldier, I'll
hang you by law.
Scroop
I'll give you fifty pounds to set me at liberty.
Mrs. Scroop
Give me the money, sir.
Scroop (reluctantly)
Here.
Mrs. Scroop
You are witness, Sir Humphrey. This recruit has attempted to bribe
an officer of His Majesty to release him.
Sir Humphrey
I saw it and I heard it, sir.
Mrs. Scroop
He'll hang.
Scroop
Give me back my money.
Mrs. Scroop
Dog! The money is crown evidence. Do you lock him back in the
cellar.
(Tope takes Scroop out. Enter Prig and Trim, who bow to Sir Humphrey. He acknowledges them curtly.)
Sir Humphrey (to Mrs. Scroop)
I have often heard of your worth and am glad of the opportunity of
doing you a service. If you have a mind to a handsome wench, you shall
have her.
Mrs. Scroop
There's no ill proposal; you shall find me a man at arms at all
points. (aside) Hold temper.
(Enter Lucy, Striker, and Friske.)
Sir Humphrey
Here is my mistress—her, I bar—but, the other tow, if you can win
them, do.
Mrs. Scroop
Faith, I'll try. (kissing all the ladies)
Prig
I don't like these proceedings; this effeminate officer will be too
hard for us.
Trim
Oh, wenches love an officer almost as much as a beau.
Lucy (to Sir Humphrey)
My dear, I have a lawyer ready for that settlement you were pleased
to promise me. Not that I desire it, for while you live, I desire
nothing else—but in the case of mortality. It will do me little good,
for I shall scarce outlive you.
Sir Humphrey
I have promised, and a Blockhead-Swash is a man of his word. Come.
(Lucy and Sir Humphrey exit.)
Prig
Let's observe how this captain fares with our wenches.
Striker
He's the prettiest man ever born.
Friske
You cannot have been long a solder, you're so young and (caressing
him) you face is so (softly) smooth.
Striker
How do the women in Flanders do it?
Mrs. Scroop
Do it?
Striker
You know, make love.
(Mrs. Scroop whispers in her ear.)
Striker (giggling)
Really? I've never tried that.
Friske
And our brave soldiers, how do they fare?
Mrs. Scroop
Well enough, if they strike home briskly. (kissing both of them)
Striker
Brisk, indeed. Would Mr. Trim were half so brisk.
Friske
You're a good-natured man. Have you been in many battles?
Mrs. Scroop
Many. And I have stormed many fortresses, too.
Striker
And did you rape many women?
Mrs. Scroop
More than I can count.
Friske
I'm sure it was unnecessary.
Mrs. Scroop (to Striker)
My time is short and I wish I were rid of her. I am much taken with
you.
Striker (delighted)
Flatterer.
Friske
Captain, a word in your ear.
Mrs. Scroop (to Friske)
Pretty creature. If only that harridan were absent, I would say
more.
Friske
Sweet sir, if she were absent, I would do more.
Prig
What a condition we are in. They will ravish him.
Friske
Are we not uncivil to leave Lucy? If you will go to her, I will
come presently.
Striker
I am not to be taught civility by you. Go you her yourself, since
you suggest it.
Trim
We are like to have very honest constant mistresses.
Prig
We are likely to get the clap.
Striker
I wonder at your impertinence.
Friske
My impertinence! You are a confident creature.
Striker
You are beneath my anger.
Mrs. Scroop
Ladies, ladies, let this go no farther.
Prig
Time to appear or he'll have them both else.
Trim
What, at war, ladies?
Prig (to Friske)
Madame, I see you can be gracious to the captain, though you are
cruel to me.
Striker
What! Because I show a little outward civility. (to captain) But,
captain, as we were saying—
Trim
You are most infinitely taken with the captain.
Striker
How dare you come here and stage a jealous scene? Begone
Friske (to Prig)
Would you not have one well-bred? (to captain) But, captain, you
were saying something to me, even now.
Prig
Excellent! We must rout this captain or lose our whores.
Trim
Damn these young officers. All the whores run mad after them even
though they don't have a penny or have the quaintest conception how to
dress.
(Prig and Trim expostulate with Striker and Friske. They exit. Enter Lucy.)
Lucy
Sweet captain, I have no time to stay, nor dare I been seen alone
with you. But this letter will tell you something. Farewell.
(Exit Lucy. Mrs. Scroop reads the letter with amazement. Sir Humphrey enters at another door with Sir Christopher and Tope.)
Sir Humphrey (to Tope)
And so, you have married Lady Cheatly?
Tope (to Sir Humphrey)
Ay, but mum's the word.
Sir Humphrey
Captain, your most humble servant.
Sir Christopher (pouring beer or wine from a flagon on the table)
Here's your health, captain.
Mrs. Scroop
You must excuse me, I never drink.
Tope
A captain and cannot drink? Can you whore?
Mrs. Scroop
Well enough for a beginner.
Sir Christopher
Not drink! A man is not fit for a captain that cannot drink. Shall
I ask you a question?
Mrs. Scroop
Yes.
Sir Christopher
Can you fight?
Sir Humphrey
No bullying here, cousin.
Mrs. Scroop
You had best try, if you dare. What a question was that!
Sir Christopher
I have done. I have done. (aside) If only Captain Hackum were here.
Mrs. Scroop (angrily)
It is not your best way to question it. I've killed men for less.
And, sir, I don't like the way you're wearing your wig.
Sir Christopher (terrified)
He'll cut my throat. (aloud) Sir, I beg your pardon.
Mrs. Scroop (adjusting Sir Christopher's wig in a comical way)
It becomes you better than way, don't you think?
Sir Christopher
Much, much better, captain.
Mrs. Scroop
Sing us a song.
Sir Christopher
A song, a song. Of course, a song. (singing) I love somebody, I
love nobody, Be she black, or be she brown, She's the best in all the
town, So she keep her belly down, Down, down, down.
Mrs. Scroop
A very merry fellow. Give me your hand and be friends.
Sir Christopher (visibly relieved)
With all my heart.
Mrs. Scroop
Bring in the usurer. You shall see my new soldier exercised.
(Enter Scroop, between two soldiers.)
Scroop
Well, there's a law, sir.
Mrs. Scroop
Do you talk of law again? (striking him with the swagger stick)
Scroop
Hold, hold, hold, I say no more.
Mrs. Scroop
The next tide, he sails for Flanders.
Sir Christopher
Honest cousin Scroop, are you turned soldier? Shame, at your age,
to play such tricks.
Tope
A very pretty soldier and stands lustily under a musket.
Scroop (muttering)
Well, I shall outlive this.
Mrs. Scroop
Order your arms. Did you ever see such a clumsy rogue? Take that to
make you more skillful. (striking Scroop again)
(Scroop mutters.)
Mrs. Scroop
Poise your musket. Rascal, that's the wrong shoulder. (striking him
again)
Scroop
I am so inept you had better discharge me.
Mrs. Scroop
I'll make you do it. Shoulder, I say. March.
Scroop (trying to walk out)
With all my heart.
Mrs. Scroop
Halt! Halt, you rogue, or I hang you for desertion.
Prig
Make him do double-time.
Scroop
Did you not bid me march?
Mrs. Scroop
I'll march you. Right into the mouth of a cannon before I have
done.
Sir Humphrey
Admirable discipline, captain.
(Enter Valet, Captain Hackum, Sergeant Bluffe.)
Valet
Sir Christopher, take care. There are a dozen bailiffs surrounding
the house. There is no possibility of escape.
Bluffe
It's true, there is no way out.
Sir Christopher
I can't go to gaol.
Tope
Gaol is a bad place. You will starve for good drink.
Hackum
There are too many for us to beat.
Sir Christopher
Captain, if you would but do us the favor of dressing us in red
coats and owning us for your soldiers we may escape.
Tope
Excellent.
Mrs. Scroop
I cannot, in honor, pass you for my soldiers unless you be so. But
if you will take a shilling and enlist, I may do it.
Sir Christopher
Gladly.
Hackum
With all my heart.
Mrs. Scroop
Here are shillings. Sergeant, procure some uniforms.
Sir Humphrey
You may command all my house.
Mrs. Scroop
Your humble servant.
Sir Christopher
Now, noble captain, we'll march under your command.
Mrs. Scroop
Come, you rogues. March, march, I say.
(They start to march out.)
Trim (to Bluffe and Hackum)
Oh, gentlemen, you are turned soldiers, I hear.
Sir Christopher
Rogue, we shall meet you.
Trim
I am glad to see you in this condition. Now one may safely keep
company with you.
Mrs. Scroop
Who are you, sir? A soldier is in no condition to be laughed at by
such an insect, a maggot, such as you.
Trim
A maggot! An insect! I am a knight, sir.
Mrs. Scroop (cudgeling him)
You are a rascal, sir.
(Mrs. Scroop leads out all the recruits. Enter Stanford.)
Stanford
Sir Humphrey, protect me. Hide me. I am fleeing from Sir Positive.
Prig
Oh, dear heart, I have met you. I have been seeking you all over
town.
Stanford
What's this? I have to leave in great haste. Adieu.
Prig
Dear Jack, I have not so little honor as to leave you in such a
condition
Stanford
What condition? I am not drunk, am I?
Prig
No, no. (aside) Bluffe threatens to cut your throat about last
night; and I am come to offer you the service of my sword and arm.
Stanford
What's this? He wouldn't dare. Do not trouble yourself or me.
Prig
It's no trouble.
(Enter Sir Positive.)
Stanford
I am in haste. I must run.
Sir Positive
Have I found you, Jack? Run? Why, will you pretend to running in my
company? Why, I have run sixty miles in one day beside a lady's coach,
and yet I was not winded all that time.
Stanford
I believe you.
Sir Humphrey (to Prig and Trim)
Let's tease Sir Positive.
Prig (loud)
But neither Trim nor Sir Positive understand mathematics like
myself.
Sir Positive
Who's that talks of mathematics? I don't think you understand the
principles on it. You are scarce come so far yet as the squaring of the
circle. Why this is the only thing I value myself on in the whole
world.
Sir Humphrey
Stand up to him in mathematics, to him.
Prig
Say you so? By the Lord Harry, sir Positive, I do understand
mathematics better than you.
Sir Positive
Draw! I will justify with my sword that you understand nothing at
all.
Sir Humphrey
Hold, Sir Positive.
Stanford
This affliction is beyond all example.
Tope.
Dear Sir Positive, I think you understand more than Solomon did.
Sir Humphrey
But, I am sure you know nothing of pastry.
Sir Positive
Pastry. I had thought I had kept that quality to myself. Sure the
devil must help you. Why, damn it, devil take me if I would not be
content never to eat pie but of my own making so long as I live. When I
was but four years old I had so rich a fancy, and made such
extraordinary dirt pies, that the most eminent chefs in all London
would come to observe me and steal from me.
Trim
Steal!
Sir Positive
Steal? Well thought on. If I don't give you an account of thieving
shall make you stare, cut my throat. It is the only thing I am proud of
in the world.
Sir Humphrey
You are a man of universal knowledge, Sir Positive.
Sir Positive (beaming with modesty)
I, I? I understand but little.
Sir Humphrey
Now, Tope, to your post.
(Sir Humphrey and Tope stand on each side of Sir Positive.)
Tope
Navigation.
Sir Positive (turning to Tope)
Do you talk of navigation?
Sir Humphrey
Geography.
Sir Positive (turning to Sir Humphrey)
Who named geography? Do you talk of that science before me, when I
invented it?
Tope
Astronomy.
Sir Positive (volting face)
I have studied it since childhood.
Sir Humphrey
Theology.
Sir Humphrey (before Sir Positive can speak)
Metaphysics.
Tope
Surgery.
Sir Humphrey
Singing.
Tope
Logic.
Sir Humphrey
Legerdemain.
Tope
Palmistry.
Sir Positive
Hold, hold, hold. Navigation, Geography, Astronomy, Theology,
Metaphysics, Magic. I'll speak to every one of them. If I don't
understand every one to perfection, if I don't fence, dance, ride,
sing, speak Spanish, French, Dutch, Latin, Greek, Russian, Gaelic,
Hebrew, etc. Get me something to drink.
Stanford
Hell and damnation.
Sir Positive
Hold, hold, hold. I haven't told you half. If I don't do all these
and fifty times more, I am the greatest owl, monkey, baboon, rascal,
oaf, ignoramus, blockhead, buffoon, or what you will. Spit on me. Piss
on me, I say, if I am not.
(They go out, Sir Positive running to keep up with them, talking as fast as he can. Enter by another door, Mrs. Scroop, who is pursued by Striker.)
Mrs. Scroop
What shall I do, these wenches will overrun me?
Striker
Dear Captain, I am transported by the assurance you gave me of
having your love. You are the first to ever win my heart.
Mrs. Scroop
Seal the promise with a kiss.
Striker
Sweet creature, I can deny thee nothing. NOTHING!
Mrs. Scroop
A pity that troublesome creature Friske is always watching us.
Striker
Sir Humphrey has a large house. I know of a very secret place where
I may show you more of my mind, and we may talk of—
Mrs. Scroop
Of?
Striker
Of . . . NOTHING!
Mrs. Scroop
That will give us time to do SOMETHING.
(They kiss as Friske enters.)
Striker
See. See. That envious bitch stalks us. Farewell. In an hour, in
the gallery.
(Striker goes out, sticking her tongue out at Friske.)
Mrs. Scroop
Now that that malicious woman is gone, I can tell you how much I
love you.
Friske
Me! What did you kiss her for then?
Mrs. Scroop
Because I wished to make a fool of her.
Friske
Did you so, dear Captain?
Mrs. Scroop
You are an angel compared to her. I would I were in bed with thee.
Friske
It is my wish, too, sweet Captain.
Mrs. Scroop
We are still watched. I will come to you in an hour in the long
gallery. You shall find me a lion.
Friske
And I will be your lamb. Here comes Lucy. Farewell.
(Exit Friske. Enter Lucy. They bow coyly to each other.)
Lucy
Sweet Captain.
Mrs. Scroop
I hate to injure Sir Humphrey, but I am so taken with you that I
must risk my honor. Will you meet me in the gallery in an hour?
Lucy
Sure there's witchcraft in you.
Mrs. Scroop
I hate to be ungrateful to Sir Humphrey. I have so many obligations
to him.
Lucy
Never think in that; who shall tell him? We are watched. I must go.
(Exit Lucy, enter Sergeant.)
Mrs. Scroop (aside)
Why, I will tell him. But, I have a trick will make this whore his
wife. (aloud) Well, Sergeant? Has my husband capitulated?
Sergeant
Not yet. He bid me cut his throat rather than agree to a separate
maintenance.
Mrs. Scroop
Old dotard! If he's not careful, I'll let you.
Sergeant
I told him he must, or sail for Flanders where he would surely die
in action, if lucky, or at the Captain's hand, if not so lucky. I left
him cursing.
Mrs. Scroop
'Tis a great question whether he prefers to die or part with the
money.
Sergeant
If he yields not, I will take him, sister.
Mrs. Scroop
Come, where are my soldiers? I must lose no time. (Sergeant goes
out and brings in Scroop, Bluffe, Sir Christopher and Hackum) We are
for Flanders, lads, and action.
Scroop
I am not for Flanders and action, but for mortgage actions.
Mrs. Scroop
Do you mutter?
Scroop
Hold, I will obey.
Sir Christopher
Come, Captain, have done with us, now you have owned us before the
bailiffs.
Bluffe
Good, bully, Captain, you overacted your part before the bailiffs
and laid on too hard, let me tell you that.
Hackum
You broke my head.
Mrs. Scroop
Pshaw! That was nothing. You should see me when I am angry.
Sir Christopher
No matter, let that pass. But, now, let us be in earnest and sup in
Alsatia; we'll have fiddles and whores to entertain you and roar like
dragons. (singing) Be she black, be she brown, She's the best in all
the town. (to Scroop) How's the old fool? Does the soldier's life
agree?
Mrs. Scroop (menacingly)
I don't like your voice.
(Sir Christopher quakes and is silent.)
Mrs. Scroop
Stand to arms!
Sir Christopher
What the devil!
Mrs. Scroop
Handle your arms! Damme! Am I to be obeyed? (cudgeling them)
Sir Christopher
Are you mad? Leave off fooling, Captain.
Mrs. Scroop
Handle your arms, all. (beating them)
Hackum
If you strike again, I'll draw.
Bluffe
I say the same.
Mrs. Scroop
Mutiny, eh? Musketeers, make ready.
(Enter several Redcoats with ready muskets.)
Sir Christopher
Make ready? What the devil do you mean?
Mrs. Scroop (commanding the musketeers)
Present.
Sir Christopher
Hold, hold, hold. I'll obey.
Bluffe
We'll obey.
Hackum
Hold.
Mrs. Scroop
No trifling with me. Shall such rascals as you think to be brave by
being drunk and beating the watch?
Sir Christopher
Good Captain, we did not intend to be soldiers, only to escape the
watch.
Mrs. Scroop
If I let you go, I would be four men short.
Sir Christopher
It was a joke.
Mrs. Scroop
I never joke.
Bluffe
Pox on your project.
Hackum
We had better fought the bailiffs.
Mrs. Scroop
You took the money. It is impossible I should be four men short.
Sir Christopher
Who the devil would have thought it? A pitiful little fellow; I
could beat two on him.
Mrs. Scroop (to the musketeers)
Ground your arms. Next mutiny I'll hang you all.
Bluffe
You can't do that, you'll be four men short.
Mrs. Scroop
No, no. I am not short if I hang you. The company is complete even
if you are dead. It's in the rules.
Hackum
We'll obey.
Mrs. Scroop
I thought you would. Come, lads, handle your arms. Pose your
muskets. (to Sir Christopher, tapping him playfully as he cringes)
Wrong shoulder, sot.
Scroop
What will become of me? Heaven help me.
Mrs. Scroop
March. To the right. To the right. Now, rascal, you are to the
left. What would you do?
Sir Christopher
What would you have?
Mrs. Scroop
Now, march them to their quarters and set a guard on them.
(Mrs. Scroop and the recruits all go out at one door. Enter Sir Humphrey at another. Sir Humphrey is in a pleasant mood. Enter Valet hurriedly.)
Valet
I bring you news that will stop you in your career of mirth.
Sir Humphrey (easily)
What do you mean? No more moralizing, I hope?
Valet
All your land in Essex is seized on by your creditors. After the
settlement you made on Miss Lucy, you have nothing left.
Sir Humphrey (alarmed)
Is this true?
Valet
Too true.
Sir Humphrey
Well, well. A desperate ill must have a desperate cure.
(Enter Lucy. Exit Valet by another door.)
Sir Humphrey
I must confer with you about something that concerns your honor and
our love.
Lucy
And I am to tell you something that concerns my honor and your want
of love.
Sir Humphrey
What?
Lucy
Do you think I am to be treated like a kept woman?
Sir Humphrey
I have not treated you so.
Lucy
You must know, sir, I look upon myself to be, in a manner, your
lady.
Sir Humphrey (flabbergasted)
Very well.
Lucy
And, do you imagine I will suffer such debauchery and wickedness in
my house?
Sir Humphrey
How long has it been your house?
Lucy
Since you were pleased to make it so; and it is as much mine as if
it had been in my family these five hundred years.
Sir Humphrey
To whose bounty do you owe it?
Lucy
To no bounty. I owe it to my bounty and my virtue.
Sir Humphrey
Most excellent.
Lucy
Shall I throw away the flower of all my youth on you for nothing?
In short, I am to let you know this is my house and I will have no
abominations committed here! I will not have your lewd sotting
companions and, above all, I will not have whores brought into my
house.
Sir Humphrey
I hope the sin you speak of is not so great—for your sake!
Lucy
Your sister and mother shall be welcome, provided they give me the
respect which is due me. But, as for those ill-bred kept things,
Striker and Friske, know that they must never come here again.
Sir Humphrey
Who is it that kept you?
Lucy
My exquisite beauty.
Sir Humphrey
Are you not a tailor's daughter?
Lucy
My present fortune makes me a lady in this town. And, I am sure I
was born with the heart of a queen.
Sir Humphrey (grabbing her by the wrist)
Very well, madame, Since you are grown so pious and reformed, I
will bring you to confer with a learned churchman to discuss a case of
conscience. I will not allow you to continue to live in a state of
mortal sin. Pray you come along with me.
(Sir Humphrey hauls her out somewhat roughly.)
Lucy
It seems I shall be your lady in good earnest.
(Exit Sir Humphrey and Lucy. Enter Mrs. Scroop with Mr. Scroop. Mrs. Scroop is dressed as a woman.)
Scroop
Perfidious jade. Why are you here?
Mrs. Scroop (caressingly)
My dear, look not so strangely. I am come to beg my brother to
release you.
Scroop
My dearest wife. I am transported to receive you back. (aside) I
think strangling her will be a very good death.
Mrs. Scroop
Can you forgive me for running away?
Scroop
I shall love thee as well as I ever did. (aside) Perhaps I might
run her through and say she killed herself.
Mrs. Scroop
My brother now has prisoned me because I told him I would get a
warrant for your release.
Scroop
Dear heart, I shall never forget this. (aside) Let me see, a small
knitting needle under her left arm when she's asleep will do the
business rarely.
Mrs. Scroop
There's no way left but to seem to comply.
Scroop
Comply. I'll go to Flanders.
Mrs. Scroop
He told me he means to throw you off the boat and say you were lost
at sea.
Scroop
The devil. I cannot swim.
Mrs. Scroop
I know, poor sweetheart. Therefore, pretend to sign. I don't want
to lose you. It's nothing to your fortune. Only four thousand pounds.
Scroop
Nothing! (aside) if I should smother her with a pillow and give out
she died of apoplexy! That's the most secret way I have thought on yet.
Mrs. Scroop
He's so hotheaded he may deliberately drown you. He said something
about keel hauling. What is that?
Scroop
Keel hauling is when you're dragged under the ship. It's terrible.
He wouldn't dare.
Mrs. Scroop
He'd dare.
Scroop
Let him do it. Let him do it. Four thousand pounds. Let him do it,
I say.
Mrs. Scroop (aside)
I see his life will be on my conscience. (aloud) I'll give it back
to you, dear one. Just sign it to appease him.
Scroop
Will you so? Here, kiss me. That's a dear wife. (aside) I have it
sure now. I'll give her opium in her drink and neither doctor nor
surgeon can discover when they open her. It shall be so!
Mrs. Scroop
Trust me. I'll restore the deed. We are one flesh.
Scroop
Sweet lamp. I long to get you home safely. (aside) Well, she takes
opium, that's certain, for while she lives, I shall walk in fear of her
brother.
(Enter Sergeant.)
Sergeant
Your brother wants you, madame.
(Exit Mrs. Scroop.)
Sergeant (leading Scroop out by another door)
You go to your post, recruit.
(Sergeant and Scroop exit. Enter Lady Cheatly.)
Lady Cheatly
Where is Mr. Tope?
Servant (entering)
I'll find him for you.
(Enter Tope.)
Tope
Dearest, Honora, I saw you from the window.
Lady Cheatly
Sweet Jack.
(Enter Steward.)
Steward
Have I tracked you here?
Lady Cheatly
Is this villain returned?
Steward
Yes, perfidious women. I am returned. Did you think to have me
clapped under the hatches and carried to the Indies to be sold as a
slave? Well, it didn't work. Come, madame. I will make you know your
lord and master.
Lady Cheatly
What in the world are you talking about, poor man? You must be
feverish or drunk.
Steward
Drunk. Know your duty, wife.
Tope
Your wife? Why, I fancy till yesterday you were her servant.
Steward
What fellow is this? I don't care to have such old sots about my
wife.
Lady Cheatly
Definitely mad. Call a constable and take him to Bedlam.
Steward
Do not persist in your impudence.
Tope
You are very saucy to your lady.
Steward
Saucy to my wife? Peace, old fool.
Tope
Fool, eh? Old fool, eh?
Lady Cheatly
Impudent villain. Your wife?
Steward
Audacious woman, do you dare to deny it? Was I not married to you
last night in your own chamber by a parson?
Lady Cheatly
What an impudent lie. Where did you dream this?
Steward (stupefied)
You deny it?
Lady Cheatly (innocently)
Most assuredly I'll deny it—and you shall never prove it. Marry
you!
Steward
I'll ruin you.
Lady Cheatly
It's out of your power, fool.
Steward
I'll find that parson if he be in England.
Tope
But he's not.
Steward
Not in England? Have you sent him to France?
Tope (pulling his hat over his face, in a quavering voice)
Do you take this woman . . . ha, ha, ha. At your service, dear sir.
Steward
You! You were the parson?
Lady Cheatly
My most private chaplain. Could you think I would so far lose my
breeding as to marry such a fellow as you are?
Steward
The marriage is good. I'll bring you to court to swear to it, sir.
Tope
If you do, ten to one, I'll foreswear it, sir.
Steward
You dare not.
Tope
By heaven, I do. Men foreswear themselves to get whores and make
nothing on it. I shall foreswear myself to get such a widow. What man
would not? She is mine. Now, begone.
Steward
I will have you my wife or be revenged. I am going to visit all
those you have had business with this month and acquainted them with
certain facts that will interest them mightily.
(Exit Steward.)
Tope
Shall I cut his throat?
Lady Cheatly
No. Stop his mouth, however, you must, or he'll invent a thousand
lies about me; get him arrested for theft.
Tope
Fear not. I'll do as becomes a gentleman and have him hanged.
(Exit Tope. Enter Trim.)
Trim
Not all the clouds in the firmament can hide the sun, so nothing
can obscure my Dorinda's glories or conceal the radiant luster of her
conquering beams.
Lady Cheatly
I see to the quick-sighted Eugenius, nothing is obscured.
Trim
I am not a little afflicted that I have been constrained to bar
myself so long from your lady's presence.
Lady Cheatly (aside)
It were pity to neglect this opportunity. Tope will be busy.
(aloud, languishing) Mr. Trim, your absence has been most afflicting.
(Enter Prig and Sir Positive.)
Sir Positive
Ah, there you are, divine Honora. Now you can hear the music I
prepared for you yesterday.
Lady Cheatly (to Trim)
Heaven help us. I hate his music worse than the creaking of a barn
door.
Trim
I'll get rid of him. (to Sir Positive) Sir, you are too familiar.
Your apish gesticulations are not welcome to Lady Cheatly.
Sir Positive
This will not stir me. I know you are not in earnest.
Trim
You might easily have collected that I am a person who is superior
to you in music as I am to you in dress; you should not be so impudent
as to offer to compose music in my presence.
Sir Positive
What do I hear?
Lady Cheatly
Incomparable.
Trim
Your impudence has ruffled and disordered the wonted serenity of my
temper or I should not tell you that I have more knowledge of divinity,
astrology, mathematics, and geography than you will ever have the luck
to acquire if you sedulously study these next twenty years.
Sir Positive
Have you the impudence to say you are a better divine, astrologer,
mathematician, and geographer than I am?
Trim
Aye, and not only that, but a better lawyer, statesman, navigator,
clock-maker, and architect. Take not of that.
Prig
And what will break your heart, I am a better pastry cook. There,
again, Sir Positive.
Trim
In a word, I understand everything that is or is not—better than
you do. Take that from me.
Sir Positive
Impudence. What will this age come to? I am amazed.
Trim
I would not have you pretend to things you do not understand. What
do you think of that?
Sir Positive (drawing)
Dogs! Now you see how wisdom chastises ignorance.
Lady Cheatly
Dear Sir Positive, calm yourself.
Trim
Hold, dear rogue. I did but droll with thee. By the Lord Harry, I
take you to be one of the pillars of the nation.
Sir Positive (mollified)
Oh, do you so?
Prig
I beg your pardon a thousand times. There never was a man of more
prodigious understanding.
Sir Positive
I knew it was impossible you should be in earnest. But, do you
hear, have a care of being positive. A man would think you would learn
more modesty of me.
(Enter Mrs. Scroop dressed as a captain, with the Sergeant, Scroop, Bluffe, Hackum, and Sir Christopher.)
Mrs. Scroop
Come, Sergeant, get the barge ready.
Scroop
What shall I do? If I seal that deed and ever get her into my hands
again, I'll have her life. But, four thousand pounds—
Mrs. Scroop
Come, soldiers, it is time to go.
Scroop
Hold, hold. There's no remedy. I will sign.
(Scroop signs and seals.)
Mrs. Scroop
You must release these gentlemen for the riot at your house. Sign.
Scroop (signing)
Very well. I release them.
Mrs. Scroop (throwing off her disguise)
And now, Mr. Scroop, your abused wife civilly thanks you for her
liberty.
Scroop
She dies, that's flat.
Friske and Striker
A woman!
Mrs. Scroop
But, I wish myself a man for your sakes.
Sir Christopher
Cudgeled by a woman!
Hackum
Were ever brave men so dishonored?
Sir Christopher
I will break all her windows every night for a year.
Sergeant
No, you will not, you dogs. I am Captain Wildfire, and you are my
recruits. You took a shilling.
Sir Christopher
Good Captain, release us. We'll love and honor her if you release
us.
Bluffe
We shall form her bodyguard.
Hackum
On my honor.
Sergeant
I am acquainted with your honor—and know your worth. Well, I will
release you, but if you cause my sister any harm, I will slit your
noses.
Hackum
We shall love her like a queen.
(Enter Sir William.)
Sir William
What's this I see!
Bluffe
Bear up to him. Bow, wow.
Hackum
Do not flinch. Bow, wow.
Sir Christopher
Bow, wow.
Sir William
Impudent rascal.
Sir Christopher
Go strike your dogs and call them names. You have nothing to do
with me; I am of age.
Sir William
Am I not your father?
Sir Christopher
Yes, and a tenant for life of my estate. Be sure you commit no
waste.
Sir William
Let me come at him.
Bluffe
So long as you forebear all violence. But, if you strike, we will
defend him.
Sir William
Rascals. Villains. Were you not educated like a gentleman? Did I
not beget you?
Sir Christopher
You educated me like a country sot. As to whether you begot me or
not, I think you should refer to my mother. Let us hope the old jade
had better taste.
Sir William
You ungracious wretch.
Sir Christopher
Shall my cousin be the bravest knight in Christendom and I be your
flap-doodle, your country bumpkin?
Sir William
To break with me, when I had just arranged a marriage with your
cousin Emilia, Lady Cheatly's daughter!
Bluffe
He's a notorious liar. Don't believe him.
Hackum
It's a trick to get you into his power.
Sir Christopher
No, no, daddy, I understand your shams; but, to talk fairly, in all
occurrences of this nature, which either may or may not be, according
to the different accidents which intervene, from whence either good or
bad in and of themselves such things occur: Now since all this is
premised, let us proceed to the matter in hand. (giggling)
Sir William (in a fury)
Prodigious impudence. Dogs, villains. I'll to the Lord Chief
Justice.
(Sir William stalks out.)
Bluffe
Admirably carried on.
Hackum
Bravely done.
Sir Christopher
I begin to banter pretty well, eh?
Bluffe
Rarely.
Sir Christopher
I have married already an heiress provided me by my friends.
Sir William (returning)
A whore, no doubt.
Sir Christopher
Not so, neither. Tell him, Bluffe.
Bluffe
She's a very great lady. (guffawing) She's Captain Hackum's sister.
Sir Christopher
Have you betrayed me? (with genuine pain) I took you to be my
friends.
Hackum
Dear brother-in-law, I am eternally at your service.
Prig
My old mistress. Sir Christopher, be patient. You will have a son
and heir of mine shortly. Breed him up well, give him a good education.
Sir William
Fare you well. I give you joy sir. (starts to leave, but sees
Friske and returns) Friske, here? I'll not suffer her to stay in such
company.
Bluffe
Do you come back?
Sir William
To find someone, that's all. My business with you is done.
Hackum
Looking for the woman with the whips?
Sir William
Death, I shall be a byword.
Sir Positive
Let me ask you one civil question?
Sir Christopher
Who is the schoolmistress with the whips? I have a lad needs
breeding up.
Sir William
You are all a parcel of whoresons.
Hackum
This virtuous gentleman taken with a dominatrix? His son's own
whore.
Sir Positive
Do you talk of birching?
Hackum
He loves to mortify his flesh, the old saint.
Trim (sadly)
I am sorry a person of your gravity is exposed to so much ridicule.
Sir William
You are all rogues and strumpets. What do you walk in a company of
owls for? Come, Friske.
Hackum (jeering)
It was better in the last age.
(Friske is dragged out by Sir William. Tope enters and goes directly to Lady Cheatly.)
Tope
So, it seems I have married a beggar. Do not argue. Your steward
has convinced me.
Lady Cheatly
All that he said was true. I am worth little or nothing.
Tope
This sham was well carried on.
Lady Cheatly
If you will go on and maintain what I have done, I shall have a
great estate yet, though of right it belongs to others.
Tope
Say you so? Right! 'Tis no matter of right, I'll show them the law.
Ladies and gentlemen: please know that I am married to this great
heiress and beautiful lady. I give you Mrs. Tope.
(Everyone applauds.)
Sir Positive
Well, I am out in this, though it be for the first time in my life.
I thought to have married her myself.
Lady Cheatly
I know how disappointed you must be, Mr. Trim.
Trim
Disappointed, pshaw. It is time to confess that last night I
resigned my person to your daughter, and made her my wife. I hesitated
to tell you for fear it would break your heart, because I knew you had
designs on me for yourself. I ask your blessing, mother.
Lady Cheatly
Mother! I'll order you.
(Emilia and Stanford who have been standing in the doorway come forward.)
Emilia
We ask your blessing, too.
Lady Cheatly
These sluts have snapped up all the game in sight.
(Enter Sir Humphrey with Lucy.)
Sir Humphrey
Call all my servants. Now, take notice of this. I am (indicating
Lucy) married to this lady.
Tope
How, married, too?
Sir Positive
To his wench?
Sir Humphrey
You seem to wonder at my proceeding. I found myself involved on a
sudden beyond redemption and, therefore, chose this expedient. This she
pirate robbed me of what my extravagance had let free.
Tope
Good, good, ha, ha, good. Hey, brave matrimony! Oh, rare matrimony!
Oh, gallant matrimony! Oh, delicate matrimony! Oh, heavenly matrimony!
Mrs. Scroop
I wish you joy.
Sir Humphrey
She is the greatest fortune I could have gotten.
Striker
It is an honor to our profession.
Mrs. Scroop
You fool. I bribed your steward to tell you your estate was in the
hands of your creditors, in hopes you would be driven to this. Enjoy
your whore—I mean your wife. Here is a letter which will acquainted
you better with the prospects of getting your own children. (giving him
a letter) She gave this to me in all secrecy not an hour hence.
Sir Humphrey
Hell and damnation.
Mrs. Scroop
I am revenged. Learn, all men, by this example not to scorn your
mistress or to beat your wife.
CURTAIN
EPILOGUE, spoken by Sir Positive.
Sir Positive
Ladies and gentlemen, I am an ass, an idiot, a blockhead, if I don't understand dramatic poetry of all things in the world.
Great plays, like great wits, have a mixture of madness in them. (I found that out myself, for about three years ago, I was as mad as ever a man was—and 'twas not above twelve months since that my brains were settled again, into their present orderly state.) And let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, if any dramatic poem exists that has ever been, that has such characters, such images, such humor, such intrigues, such romance, such surprises—then I am no judge! No, I understand nothing in the world.
Notwithstanding it may be damned by the malice of this age, this play shall act with any play of Jonson's, Dryden's, Moliere's, Plautus', Terence's, Menander's Aristophanes—hold, hold—I'll have Shakespeare in, too. I had like to have forgot that.
I have thought on it and considered it and made it my chief study since childhood. This is the funniest play that ever was made. And, between you and me, it's because I dictated every word of it to the author.
Talk no more of it. Give us your applause.