A PIG IN A POKE (The Great Tenor) (Chat en Poche)

By Georges Feydeau

EText by Dagny
  • ACT I
  • ACT II
  • ACT III
  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
    Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
    performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
    audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
    or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
    Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
    frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

                         Translated and Adapted by
                         Frank J. Morlock
                         C 1999


    CHARACTERS:

    Pascarel

    Dufausset
    Dr. Landeman
    Lambert de Vaux (Lanoix de Vaux in the original)
    Tiburce, Pascarel's servant
    Marthe, Pascarel's wife
    Amadine, Dr. Landeman's wife
    Julie A maid, with no lines


    ACT I

    A dining room in the Park of Princes. An open doorway in the back giving on the garden. An armchair on each side of the door. Doors to the right and left. Next to the door on the right a chair against the wall. On the right, also against the wall, a piano. To the left a desk. In the rear a buffet. In the middle of the stage a table set with five chairs around it.

    All are seated at the table. Pascarel faces the audience. Julie is on his right, Amadine on his left, Landeman is next to Julie, Marthe beside Amadine. Pascarel wears the button and ribbon of an officer of the Academy. Tiburce and the maid are serving.

    Pascarel
    The duck is excellent.

    Marthe
    It's Dr. Landeman's recipe.

    Landeman
    Eh, it's duck a la Rouen! The whole mystery is in the manner of killing it. It's very simple—a means of strangulation preventing the air from entering the thorax, the blood is incompletely released which leads to hemorrhaging into the cellular tissues which separates the muscles—and consequently—

    Pascarel
    Yes, finally, you twist its neck. These doctors cannot talk like other people. Well, it's excellent.

    Landeman
    Consequently, this duck is so tender—

    Pascarel
    Ah, it's my wife herself who bought it—

    Marthe
    Yes, just imagine, I had even forgotten my purse. And I had taken the subway. Happily there was a young man there that gallantly loaned me the money. I really ought to be very nice to him.

    Amadine
    There are always men for good opportunities.

    Pascarel
    Yes, only there are not always good opportunities for all men. (to Tiburce) Bring the champagne.

    (The maid takes away the wine glasses while Tiburce goes to get the champagne from the buffet.)

    Amadine
    Oh, I adore it. But, my husband, the doctor, forbids me. He says it excites me too much. He only allows it to me for my baths.

    Tiburce (aside)
    Ah, poor cat.

    Pascarel
    Come, take your glasses—and you know—it's from—I can only say it comes to me from Troyes—a town as celebrated for its champagne as for the horse of its name.

    Julie
    But no, daddy, the horse and the champagne are not connected at all. It's not even written the same.

    Pascarel
    Excuse me, did I say the horse and the champagne were spelled the same way?

    Julie
    I tell you no! There's Troy and Troyes—which are two—

    Landeman
    Allow me, in French—trois et trois are six.

    Pascarel
    Ah, very clever! Gentlemen, ladies, I request the floor.

    (Pascarel rises.)

    Amadine
    Let Mr. Pascarel speak.

    Marthe
    Speak! My husband was created to be an orator.

    Pascarel
    Ladies, gentlemen, one cannot deny—

    Marthe
    Ah, oh, speaking of boxes, my dear Amadine, I found your work box—

    Amadine
    My box! Oh, how I was looking for it.

    Pascarel
    Gentlemen, ladies—

    All
    Hush!

    Pascarel
    Are you really going to let me speak?

    Marthe
    Go ahead, dearie. (to Amadine) You must remind me to return it to you tomorrow.

    Pascarel
    Ladies and gentlemen, and especially you, my daughter, I've arranged a surprise for you. (to Tiburce) Bring us the finger bowl.

    Marthe
    That's your surprise?

    Pascarel
    No, that's only an interruption. I want to accustom myself, just in case I'm deputized to—(to Tiburce) Well, didn't you hear? I asked you to bring me the finger bowl.

    Tiburce
    Right! I'm going to fetch it.

    Pascarel
    First of all, say “bring.” One doesn't say “fetch.”

    Tiburce
    Ah! I thought I was doing you a favor, sir. Like you just said. Oh— masters. (goes out)

    All
    The surprise! The surprise!

    Pascarel
    Right! I will be short. Julie, you've glorified your family by writing an opera. You've recreated Faust after Gounod. Gounod was born before you, it was natural enough he was ahead of you. Your Faust, I've determined to have performed at the Opera. I'm rich through the manufacture of sugar, through the exploitation of diabetics, so all that remains is to add a little luster to my name. Well, this luster, you'll provide it. You are my masterpiece; this opera is your masterpiece. Therefore, the masterpieces of our masterpieces are our masterpieces. Consequently, Faust is my masterpiece. I've spoken.

    All
    Bravo! Bravo!

    Landeman
    But, you haven't told us how you're going to have it produced?

    Pascarel
    Wait a bit! The other day, I heard the Opera planned to engage a marvellous tenor—a voice, you know, like the one I feel within me, as if it wanted to escape. This tenor sings in Bordeaux. His name is Duyeton and he has an immense future. So what did I do? I telegraphed my old friend Dufausset! “Never mind the cost, engage Duyeton for me. Come directly.” You understand, once in possession of the tenor—I've bound him to me—the Opera will be at my feet, and while I bestow my tenor on the Opera, I also bestow my Faust on it, and that's how the Pascarels will be known to posterity. Gentlemen, ladies, to your health.

    All
    Hip, hip, hurrah!

    Julie (rising)
    Oh, daddy, how happy I am! (hugs him)

    Pascarel
    Watch my neck, you can hug me without strangling me. Here, embrace your stepmother, too.

    (Julie goes to embrace Marthe.)

    Marthe (after kissing Julie)
    First of all, don't always say your stepmother. That makes me old, and makes me seem like a preserve.

    Amadine
    Hey, hey, preserves are often better than fresh fruit.

    (They bring the finger bowl.)

    Pascarel (aside)
    She's preaching for herself, mamma Landeman.

    Tiburce (entering)
    Sir, there's a gentleman come from Bordeaux on behalf of Mr. Dufausset.

    Pascarel
    From Dufausset. It's him! It's Duyeton. Oh, my friends—I beg you— give him a welcome. Think—a tenor! He's accustomed to ovations. Marthe, to the piano, your best piece. (Marthe goes to the piano) Madame Landeman, and you Julie, tap on your glasses with your spoons. Don't be afraid of making too much racket. You, Landeman, go stand on your chair facing me, and with your napkin we'll form a triumphal arch. Everybody understand? There, let's go to it! And you, Tiburce, bring him in with great respect.

    (Everybody takes their places. Pascarel and Landeman are standing on chairs. Tiburce introduces Dufausset, who is greeted with a formidable racket.)

    Dufausset
    A madhouse! I'm mistaken! (starts to leave)

    Pascarel (getting down)
    Hey, where are you going?

    Dufausset
    Don't disturb yourselves. (aside) Got to humor them. (aloud) Continue.

    Pascarel (aside)
    Ah, he likes ovations. (aloud) Let's go, start over.

    (The racket starts up again. Dufausset searches for a means of escape.)

    Pascarel (grabbing him)
    Don't run away. Is he a card!

    Dufausset
    I wasn't running away. (aside) There are too many of them.

    Pascarel
    And now, let's have a chat. First of all, let me present everybody. Mr. and Mrs. Landeman, our intimate friends who share our house, my wife, my daughter—

    (Everybody bows and Dufausset returns the bows. Martha rises from the piano, recognizing Dufausset.)

    Martha (going to Landeman)
    Ah, the gentleman on the tramway who loaned me six sous.

    Dufausset
    The lady who forgot her purse. Is it possible? In a house of wackos! Poor woman!

    Pascarel
    There, the presentations are made. Ah, I'm so happy to see you. Dufausset is well?

    Dufausset
    Papa?

    Pascarel
    Papa! He said papa. Why does he say papa? No, I'm asking you about Dufausset.

    Dufausset (abruptly)
    Dufausset? Ah, in that case—

    Pascarel (starting)
    What's the matter with him?

    Dufausset
    You are Mr. Pascarel?

    Pascarel
    Well, yes. (aside) Is he stupid? He worries me.

    Dufausset
    And here I was thinking I was in a madhouse.

    Pascarel
    Huh?

    Dufausset
    It's true! I found you all—on the chairs, on the table, or at the piano. One would think you were playing pin the tail on the donkey to music.

    Landeman
    We were giving you an entrance.

    Amadine
    You didn't like it?

    Dufausset
    Oh, it was to—what a funny way of receiving people.

    Amadine
    That young man is looking at me.

    Dufausset
    So, you are Mr. Pascarel! Delighted. Ah, by the way, I have a letter for you. It's in my trunk.

    Pascarel
    From Dufausset? Ah, that dear friend. He's well?

    Dufausset
    Fine. He's fine, father.

    Pascarel
    Why is he calling me father? He must have been brought up by Jesuits. (to the others) Well, how do you like my tenor?

    Amadine
    Majestic.

    Landeman
    He seems very healthy. I'll see to it he remains so.

    (They exchange their impressions.)

    Dufausset
    Funny folks. Papa told me yesterday: “You're going to study in Paris, but as I don't wish to leave you to yourself in that great city full of wild pleasures and easy complications, I'm commending you to my old friend Pascarel, requesting him to watch over you. Be nice to him, and don't contradict him. You will see, he's a nice man. I think you'll get along very well with him.”

    Pascarel (returning to Dufausset)
    Ah, you don't know how happy I am to see you. Say, have you had lunch?

    Dufausset
    The fact is, that since noon—

    Pascarel
    Oh, I was sure of it. You wouldn't want a raw egg, a rare cutlet?

    Dufausset
    No, thanks. I like other things better.

    (Pascarel goes back to Landeman.)

    Dufausset (low)
    What funny dishes they have in Paris.

    Marthe (coming up)
    It's good for the voice.

    Dufausset
    Ah, it's not just that, you know. As for me, I don't make much fuss over my voice.

    Amadine (coming up)
    Not everyone is like you!

    Dufausset
    I don't doubt it, madame. (aside) She must be a singer?

    Amadine (low)
    He's a bit stupid.

    (Amadine goes back. Pascarel comes forward as Dufausset retires.)

    Pascarel
    Anyway, they'll give you something for him.

    Marthe
    I'm going to see about it.

    Dufausset
    Ah, madame, I am confused.

    Marthe
    Sir!

    (Marthe goes out by the right.)

    Dufausset
    She blushed! She recognized me! She's exquisite. But, who is she? Pascarel's wife, or the other fellow's? They introduced everyone by the dozen.

    Pascarel
    And now, if you'd come to the table, for we haven't completely finished.

    Dufausset
    Really? Oh, in that case, I don't want to disturb you. Put me wherever you like.

    (Everyone sits down. Dufausset between Pascarel and Amadine, on a chair brought by the maid.)

    Pascarel
    Ah, fine. If you please. (to Tiburce) Tiburce, serve a finger bowl to the gentleman. (to Dufausset) That way you won't be forced to take one at the end of the meal.

    Dufausset (with the finger bowl)
    To your health, ladies and gentlemen.

    Landeman
    Eh! Look, wait a minute, that's not for toasts.

    Marthe (coming in from the right)
    There! I've given instructions. They're going to serve you something. (to Amadine) Meanwhile, here's the basket.

    (Martha places the basket on the piano and takes her place at the table.)

    Pascarel (to Dufausset as Tiburce offers him a plate)
    You know, you must stay with us. The Prince's Park is very healthy for the voice. So, you cannot refuse. You'll be next to my room, with a view of the garden. There's a piano.

    (Meanwhile Julie rises and prepares the coffee.)

    Dufausset
    Oh, as to that—

    Pascarel
    I warn you, there's a line—

    Dufausset
    So much the worse. That doesn't ruin the place. Anyway, I can hang my wash on it.

    (They rise. The servants clear the table.)

    Julie (offering a cup to Dufausset)
    Sir, a little coffee?

    Dufausset
    Very gladly.

    Pascarel
    No, that's a stimulant. Make him an egg nog.

    Dufausset
    But, I detest it.

    Landeman
    That doesn't signify. It softens the throat.

    Dufausset
    But, I don't need to soften my throat.

    Amadine
    Ah, here, you must obey.

    Dufausset
    Gracious, they're putting me on a diet.

    Julie
    I'll go order it.

    Pascarel
    That's right. Take care of your future interpreter—for she's the one, she's the young girl who created the opera.

    Dufausset
    Ah! (bowing) Miss Garnier.

    Pascarel
    But, Dufausset must have spoken to you about it.

    Dufausset
    Uh! Vaguely. In any case, he wasn't clear.

    Pascarel
    Well, then—it's she!

    Dufausset
    Ah, I'm very satisfied with it. Beautiful monument.

    Pascarel (low to Julie)
    Did you hear? He said: “I'm very satisfied with it.”

    Julie
    Yes. Oh, he's a charming young man. Much more so than my fiancé. (aloud) I'll put a lot of orange flavoring in it.

    Marthe
    A little liqueur, sir?

    Dufausset
    Oh, madame, from your white hand. (aside) She's delicious. (aloud) What's this? (reading the label) Heunryudijonos—no thanks!

    Pascarel
    Don't worry, it's an old bottle.

    Dufausset
    Right!

    (The maid comes in to rearrange the table and chairs.)

    Pascarel
    And no, my friends, I'm not turning you out, but, we have to talk together—this gentleman and I.

    Landeman
    That will suit perfectly; I have some work to do presently. Come ladies. Until later.

    (All leave except Pascarel and Dufausset.)

    Pascarel
    And now, let's talk seriously. I'm going right to the point. Here's what I propose to you: I won't be stingy about it! Do you want three thousand francs a month?

    Dufausset
    Me, do I? Yeah!

    Pascarel
    Three thousand francs a month, room and board. Isn't that enough for you?

    Dufausset
    What's this all about? Are you joking?

    Pascarel
    Joking! Not at all. I think—(aside) Damn! How demanding these tenors are. (aloud) Isn't that what they were giving you at Bordeaux?

    Dufausset
    My father—

    Pascarel (aside)
    He keeps calling me his father. (aloud) I was asking you what they gave you?

    Dufausset
    One hundred francs!

    Pascarel
    Well, that comes to three thousand.

    Dufausset
    How can that be?

    Pascarel
    Well, thirty days a month, one hundred times thirty—three thousand.

    Dufausset
    Anyway, that's fine. I won't haggle.

    Pascarel
    Let's say three thousand five hundred. Will you take three thousand five hundred?

    Dufausset
    Well, I accept! (aside) He's astonishing. Ah, papa told me, after all, he was a charming man, but I didn't know to what degree!

    Pascarel
    Do you accept?

    Dufausset
    Yes, I accept, for heaven's sake.

    Pascarel
    Yes? Well then, it's a bargain. We'll sign our treaty—in proper form —because that way each of us will know his rights—and you know rights are above all.

    Dufausset
    Oh, then, it's you who will make me pass my exams.

    Pascarel
    I don't know theatre slang. First of all, we will stipulate a heavy forfeiture. Forty thousand francs if you walk out on me.

    Dufausset
    Don't worry. I won't walk out on you. And what must I do for this?

    Pascarel
    Sing, when and where it seems good to me.

    Dufausset
    Sing! That's a funny idea.

    Pascarel
    You're being paid for that.

    Dufausset
    Say, do you want to play a trick on someone?

    Pascarel
    Yes, at the Opera.

    Dufausset
    By making me sing?

    Pascarel
    No! That is to say—(aside) No need for him to know. He'll sell himself to the highest bidder. (aloud) Anyway, my ideas aren't important. Do you accept?

    Dufausset
    At that price, I think so, indeed. If I had expected this, for heaven's sake! When I think that at Bordeaux where I sang they'd say: “Can it! You're going to make it rain!”

    Pascarel
    Well, you're going to sign this little engagement I've drawn up. It's for ten years. (Dufausset, stunned, sits down beside Pascarel) It doesn't matter to me, since I will make it up from the Opera. There, that's done. Between Mr. Etienne Pascarel and Duyeton.

    Dufausset
    Why, Duyeton?

    Pascarel
    Isn't that your name?

    Dufausset
    Duyeton! That's a stage name.

    Pascarel
    Ah, that's your—Then, what is your name?

    Dufausset
    Same as my father's.

    Pascarel
    I imagine so, still—

    Dufausset
    Dufausset, of course!

    Pascarel (jumping up and overturning his chair)
    Dufausset! No need to go into further explanations. I understand. Dufausset is your father.

    Dufausset
    Yes, indeed! That's what I told you. (aside) What's gotten into him?

    Pascarel (to the audience)
    Dufausset's his father. He has a son and he's married with children. Oh, what a shame! He never told me. This is the child of his sin.

    Dufausset
    My father told me: “Go find Pascarel.”

    Pascarel
    He's really your father? He lets you call him father?

    Dufausset
    Why not?

    Pascarel
    Hell! And what does his wife say?

    Dufausset
    Mother? (aside) God, is he stupid.

    Pascarel
    She allows you to call her mother? (aside) Poor woman! She martyrs herself. She legitimates—this is heroism!

    Dufausset
    It's no use for them to talk. They're a bit scatterbrained in the family.

    Pascarel
    But, the son? What does the son say? To see you take a place in the family that rightfully belongs to him?

    Dufausset
    What son?

    Pascarel
    Why, your father's son.

    Dufausset
    My father's son? Papa has a son?

    Pascarel
    Right. I met him thirteen years ago. He was twelve. He was much smaller than you.

    Dufausset
    A son—but by whom?

    Pascarel
    By his wife, for heaven's sake! You never saw him?

    Dufausset
    Never.

    Pascarel
    Could he be dead?

    Dufausset
    Ah, that's too much! I'm going to write father.

    Pascarel (stopping him)
    No, don't do that, wretch! That's all we need—the revolt of the bastards against legitimacy.

    Dufausset (pounding the table)
    My heart is determined to know.

    Pascarel
    Don't get excited, don't get excited. What's done is done. As for me, I am unaware of everything. Here, let's not talk about them. Let's sign the contract. (after a moment, Dufausset calms down and signs) Ah, you sign Dufausset. Poor Dufausset. Beside it, put Duyeton—so it's clear.

    Dufausset
    Is that it?

    Pascarel
    Right! Here's your copy and here's mine. And now, you are my private tenor.

    Dufausset
    Well, I wish you pleasure.

    Pascarel
    Oh, as for me, I always love to encourage the arts.

    Dufausset
    My congratulations.

    Pascarel
    Ah, follow me. I'm going to install you in your room. By the way, don't play the piano too much early, so as not to wake everybody.

    Dufausset
    Don't worry. I have respect—

    Pascarel
    For others.

    Dufausset
    For the piano.

    Pascarel
    You know, the ladies like to sleep.

    Dufausset (aside)
    The ladies. By God, she's one of them—but, which one is she?

    Pascarel
    Are you coming?

    (Pascarel disappears out the door at the left for a moment.)

    Dufausset
    Here's her work basket. On my word, I'm going to write her a letter. (pulling a page from his notebook and writing) “Since I brushed up against you, I've loved you.” There, now—into the basket.

    Pascarel (returning)
    Ah, come on. What are you doing with Madame Landeman's basket?

    Dufausset
    Me, nothing? (aside) She's the other fellow's wife. No scruples about that.

    Pascarel
    You are looking at her basket with the eyes of fried fish.

    Dufausset
    Mr. Pascarel, are you a man capable of keeping a secret?

    Pascarel
    Oh, when I am unable to do otherwise.

    Dufausset
    I think Madame Landeman is admirable!

    Pascarel
    You? Come on! It's not possible. You haven't really looked at her. No chest, an incomplete—no, go on, go on. She's got no chest, my friend.

    Dufausset
    Whatever you like, I've got a letter for her.

    Pascarel
    Well, for the novelty, I suppose. (aside) That's okay. I'll be on guard. Landeman's a friend.

    (Tiburce enters from the back.)

    Tiburce (announcing)
    Mr. Lambert de Vaux.

    Lambert
    Ah, dear father-in-law—

    Pascarel (presenting)
    Mr. Lambert de Vaux, my future son-in-law, Mr. Dufausset, a Dupez of the future.

    Lambert
    Ah, you're a painter?

    Dufausset
    Me?

    Pascarel
    No, indeed. He's occupied as a singer.

    Lambert
    Landscape painting, then?

    Pascarel
    Why, no. (confidentially to Dufausset) My son-in-law is dumb. (aloud) We are going to send you your fiancée.

    Lambert
    Please do!

    Pascarel
    Are you coming, Dufausset?

    (Pascarel and Dufausset go out to the left.)

    Lambert (alone)
    Mama told me to bring a bouquet to my fiancée. I bought one, but on the way, I had a whim to see Camilia. She took my bouquet for herself. Camilia's charming. And without silly manners. I don't have to say fancy things to her. It's not like that here, where Mama has to tell me what to say each time I speak. Anyway, what an idea to marry me. Camilia thinks that's stupid, too. She said, looking at me, Am I getting married? If I did agree to marry, it wouldn't be with you. Then we read the cards. They said: “If Lambert de Vaux gets married, he'll be miserable. If he stays with his Camilia, he will always be happy.” And she only costs me twenty francs for the maid. You see, I can't go against destiny.

    (Lambert sits on the piano seat. Julie enters from the left.)

    Julie (low)
    Papa said: “Go find your fiancé.” He bores me, my fiancé. He stutters and daddy said to count up to four between words.

    Lambert (aside)
    Little Miss Pascarel. Now, for the highfalutin talk. (aloud) Hello, miss. How are you?

    Julie
    One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Very well, thank you.

    Lambert
    Ah, what's the matter with her? I bought you a bouquet—only—I noticed it was faded—so I threw it away.

    Julie (aside)
    How annoying he is with his stammering. (aloud) One, two, three, four. One, two, three four. Sweet of you.

    Lambert
    That's what it is to be a musician. She counts the beat all the time.

    Julie
    One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. And your mother is well?

    Lambert (aside)
    How exasperating she is. (after twisting his tongue) Very well. But her poor sister is very ill. She's losing her best friend. She's ashamed. She doesn't know which way to turn.

    Julie
    One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Surely things will get better. (aside) His tongue must be paralyzed.

    (Julie sits by a table at the far left.)

    Lambert (aside)
    Can you see me spending my life gawking around this little ninny? (sitting at the far right) After you've been with her for five minutes, there's nothing more to say to her.

    Julie (aside)
    Lovely husband this dope would make. (aloud) One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. You seem pensive?

    Lambert (twisting his tongue)
    It's in my nature. I have an observing spirit. I always have to explain things. For instance, right now I am doing research, conjugating—trying to explain a phenomenon you must have noticed as I did, if you ever tried it.

    Julie
    One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. What's that?

    Lambert (twisting his tongue)
    Why, bread dough, which is white turns black when you roll it between your fingers!

    Julie (aside)
    What a simpleton, my betrothed! (aloud) One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. I never noticed that. (aside) And they insist I marry him. Never! (rising)

    Lambert (also rising, aside)
    I'd rather become a monk than take this woman for my wife.

    Together
    Julie Lambert Sir! Miss!

    Lambert
    You were going to say?

    Julie
    No, you speak.

    Lambert
    After you.

    Julie
    Hush! Madame Landeman. Later!

    Lambert (aside
    Ah, Sweetie Pie! (aloud) Hello, madame.

    Amadine (coming from the left)
    Don't mind me. Don't pay any attention. (aside) Mr. Pascarel asked me to take a peek for propriety, but without disturbing them, and seeming not to be doing so. Marthe will come later.

    (Julie sits by the desk. Lambert takes the seat vacated by Julie.)

    Lambert (twisting his tongue)
    You wouldn't believe it, miss, from this heat, I soaked four flannel vests in one day.

    Amadine (fumbling in her basket)
    Ah, my God.

    Julie
    What?

    Amadine
    Nothing. (reading to herself) “Since I brushed up against you, I've loved you.” It's him—it's the tenor. Ah, God, the wild man. He's writing to me. I saw the way he was looking at me. Since I brushed up against you—where did he brush against me? God! He must be the stranger that I crossed in front of one stormy day near the Vendome Column. It was so dark, I couldn't see him, but I heard his voice. Poor young man. Will I be pitiless? We'll have to see. (going out towards the back)

    Lambert (bowing)
    Madame.

    Amadine
    Don't disturb yourselves, children. (leaves)

    Lambert (to Julie)
    Well, look, what would you like to tell me?

    Julie
    I don't dare. You speak first.

    Lambert
    I don't dare either.

    Julie
    I'd prefer to write to you.

    Lambert
    Me, also.

    Julie (taking paper from the desk)
    Here's some paper.

    (They sit and write, then exchange papers.)

    Julie and Lambert
    There. There, it's done. (each reading) “One cannot force one's feelings.” Huh?

    Julie
    We must have mixed up the papers.

    (They exchange notes.)

    Julie and Lambert (both reading)
    “One cannot force one's feelings. We are not made for one another.”

    Julie (bursting into laughter)
    Ah, How funny this is!

    Lambert
    She's really nice.

    Julie
    What—really—you are not in love with me?

    Lambert
    And you either?

    Julie
    Ah, how happy I am.

    Lambert
    Me, too.

    Julie
    Say, why, I ought to be annoyed. I understand that I don't love you, but you—that vexes me.

    Lambert
    I could say the same thing.

    Julie
    Don't be afraid. I'm not angry about it. Why, say, what happened to your stammer?

    Lambert
    My stammer?

    Julie
    Yeah, you know. Like this.

    (Julie imitates him twisting his tongue.)

    Lambert
    That's not a stammer. It's a precaution because mama told me to be careful.

    Julie
    Oh, right. It's like my one, two, three, four. That's papa's recommendation. Oh, really. I liked that, I was saying to myself: Poor young man.

    Lambert
    Just like me. I was thinking: It's not possible she swallowed a metronome.

    Julie
    Oh, what friends we are going to be now that we're not going to get married.

    Lambert
    Friends? I really believe it.

    Julie
    Friends. And now, let's be diplomats so the world will leave us alone. That's the only way to keep our liberty. We will have time to implement our decision.

    Lambert
    Right, just as if—

    Julie
    Watch out, here's my stepmother.

    Lambert (bowing to Marthe who comes in from the left)
    Madame.

    Marthe
    Don't mind me! Don't mind me! Say, you haven't seen the tenor?

    Julie
    No.

    Marthe
    I'm looking for him. I've got to give him back his six sous. Let's see, there's no envelope around. That's the easiest way to return money.

    Lambert (to Julie)
    Come, it's agreed. We will remain engaged in the eyes of the world. And now, (imitating Julie) one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. I ask your permission to do it.

    Julie (twisting her tongue seven times)
    Why do so, dear sir.

    Lambert (as he passes)
    She's charming.

    Julie
    He improves a lot as a friend.

    Marthe
    You're leaving, sir?

    Lambert
    I'm forced to, madame, for my mother is expecting me.

    (Lambert goes out by the rear with Julie.)

    Marthe (fumbling around in the desk)
    An old letter from Amadine when she was on her honeymoon. (skimming over the letter) “If you knew the trinkets I've bought, whole boxes full. I feel I've done crazy things and I will do more still. Don't tell my husband. I won't say any more. Take care of my canary and if you want to be adorable buy me a pair of blue garters. I hug you. Amadine Landeman.” Yes, it's no longer important. (tears it up and wraps the money in it) There, like that. It's more convenient.

    Dufausset (entering with a scarf around his neck)
    Ouf! If I catch cold, it will be bad luck.

    Marthe
    The tenor! Heavens, have you caught cold?

    Dufausset (aside)
    Madame Landeman. (aloud) Me? Not at all. Mr. Pascarel insisted—so that I won't catch cold. (aside) She's opened the basket and must have seen the letter.

    Marthe (aside)
    I've got to give him his six sous. (aloud) Sir!

    Dufausset
    Madame.

    Marthe
    I was looking for you because of what I've received from you.

    Dufausset (aside)
    My letter. (aloud) Yes, madame. You weren't offended?

    Marthe
    One is never offended by an act of gallantry.

    Dufausset
    Ah! What I did was really audacious.

    Marthe
    I didn't think so.

    Dufausset
    Ah, you didn't? (aside) The devil. She is really bold. (aside) You know, if I'd thought that—but when one doesn't know, you see? I didn't dare do more.

    Marthe
    Oh, I didn't need more. The fare and nothing more.

    Dufausset
    The fare? Ah, there's a fare!

    Marthe
    Isn't there one in Bordeaux?

    Dufausset
    My God, no. (aside) I don't understand a word she says. I'd better learn the customs of Paris.

    Marthe
    No fare! That must be really inconvenient. You must never know—

    Dufausset
    Ah, yes, it's a question of sympathy.

    Marthe
    With the conductor? Oh, you're putting me on.

    Dufausset (aside)
    She calls this a conductor. She's a character. (aloud) All the same, I'm glad you are not offended.

    Marthe
    Me? Why would I be offended? After all, you were only trying to be nice to me.

    Dufausset
    Certainly, I—(aside) She has a way of putting things.

    Marthe
    No matter! I didn't want to be indebted to you. And so, in my turn, here!

    (Marthe gives him the money wrapped in the letter.)

    Dufausset (aside)
    A letter! She's answered me! Ah, they don't waste time in Paris. They're fast, very fast. It's the nervousness, the famous nervousness. But, why did she put these little stones in it?

    Marthe
    And now, I'm leaving you.

    Dufausset
    Ah. I'll keep this all my life.

    Marthe
    As to that, that's your concern. Economy is a nice quality. Bye and thanks.

    (Marthe goes out by the right.)

    Dufausset (alone)
    What is she trying to tell me. (opening up) These aren't stones, they're money. Oh, the six sous! She could have kept them. (reading) “I feel I've done crazy things and I will do more still.” Does she mean it? Oh, the dear angel! (reading) “Don't tell my husband.” Does she think I'm stupid? “Take care of my canary.” Canary, that must be her husband. She has a way of saying things. Certainly, I'll watch your canary. “And if you want to be adorable buy me a pair of blue garters.” Really, she's exquisite. A pair of—you only see them in Paris. But, I'm going to run out and buy boxes of them—tons of them. “I hug you.” Signed “Amadine Landeman.” Ah!

    Amadine (in the rear)
    The tenor! I am touched.

    Dufausset
    Oh, Amadine, dear Amadine.

    Amadine (listening)
    He's thinking of me.

    Dufausset
    Yes, I will give you garters.

    Amadine
    He wants to give me garters.

    Dufausset
    I will send a basket. Ah, but will you love me? Say, Amadine, will you love me?

    Amadine (in a dignified way)
    But as for me, I love my husband, sir.

    Dufausset
    Huh? You? Why, I don't doubt it, madame. (aside) Who asked her? Another one who's got a bee in her bonnet.

    Amadine (aside)
    I've intimated him, poor boy. (aloud) That is to say, I love my husband, but not to the detriment of my tenor friendships.

    Dufausset
    Ah, really! (aside) What's that to me?

    Amadine
    Don't blush, young man.

    Dufausset
    I'm not blushing!

    Amadine
    Just as when I got to the Vendome Column, I don't get pale, young man.

    Dufausset
    But, I'm not getting pale.

    Amadine
    Often one brushes against someone—one meets someone—once, among other times—he went up, I came down—I gave way—

    Dufausset
    Really, what did you do?

    Amadine
    He brushed against me. Don't turn green, young man.

    Dufausset (aside)
    But, I wasn't turning green. She wants me to pass through all the colors of the rainbow.

    Amadine
    And from this brushing against, I received a spark. I wasn't able to see him, but I heard his voice. (imperative) Young man!

    Dufausset
    God! What color now?

    Amadine
    Young man! Say, just to see: Heavens, they put a plug in the column.

    Dufausset (repeating)
    Heavens, they put a plug in the column.

    Amadine
    That's not the same voice at all. Doubtless because we are not in the column. (aside) But, it can only be him. There was no one else who brushed against me.

    Dufausset
    No, but why is she telling me all this?

    Amadine
    To tell you how much that meeting in the column shattered me, overwhelmed me.

    Dufausset
    That doesn't astonish me. It's so narrow.

    Amadine
    How much this memory haunts me. I feel waves of blood rushing to my head and beating here and here—this thing—pulsations everywhere.

    Dufausset
    Poor little thing. (aloud) Right! Well, I knew a woman who had that. They made her take purges, but several months later she had a baby.

    Amadine
    Is it possible? Ah, heaven preserve me! (aside) I think I was too abrupt just now.

    (Pascarel enters from the left with Landeman, Marthe, and Julie.)

    Pascarel
    Ah, my friends. I am in heaven. He has a voice, you see.

    Landeman
    You heard him sing?

    Pascarel
    No, but I heard him cough. And he had a deep one. Also, I immediately wrote the directors of the Opera to schedule an audition.

    Marthe
    Suppose you beg him to sing something.

    Pascarel (going to Dufausset)
    Gladly. My dear Dufausset.

    All
    Dufausset?

    Pascarel
    Yes, shh! I didn't tell you—he's the natural son of Dufausset. But don't mention it to him, it would cause him pain.

    Landeman
    Oh, the poor boy. (shaking Dufausset's hand) Believe me, I'm on your side.

    Dufausset
    That's nice of you. (aside) What's gotten into the doctor? (aloud) About what?

    Landeman
    Nothing—hush, I respect injuries.

    Dufausset
    You're right, that's a surgeon's concern. (Landeman moves away) What a funny family.

    Pascarel
    Say, would you sing something for us?

    Dufausset
    Me? You can't be thinking of it?

    Pascarel
    Look, it's really the least thing.

    Dufausset (aside)
    What holy mania has possessed them to want to hear me sing?

    Marthe
    Oh, sir, you won't refuse me?

    Dufausset (aside)
    Her! (aloud) But, I assure you, I have no voice.

    Julie
    I will accompany you.

    Dufausset
    Where, miss?

    Julie
    Why, at the piano.

    Dufausset
    Oh, I'll do better alone.

    Julie
    Why, no. I will play the accompaniment, then!

    Dufausset
    Ah, you'll—right. That's what I meant to tell you—pianos are off key next to my voice.

    Marthe
    Anyway, let's try.

    Dufausset
    Ah, then, you want—well—so much the worse for you. You insisted.

    All (with satisfaction)
    Ah!

    Dufausset (low to Marthe)
    Ah, you've made me so happy!

    Marthe
    Me!

    Dufausset
    Yes. Oh, indeed, go on. I will give you those garters.

    Marthe (aside)
    To me. Why, he's crazy!

    Julie
    What will you sing?

    Dufausset (coming a bit closer)
    It's all the same to me. I know “Hail, remain chaste and pure”!

    Amadine (to Marthe)
    What did he say to you?

    Marthe
    I don't know. He offered me garters.

    Amadine
    Heavens, and to me, too. He's a monomaniac.

    Julie
    Are you ready?

    Dufausset
    I'm ready. (low to Marthe as he passes her) I love you!

    Martha
    Ah! My God! I'm loved by a tenor!

    Landeman (who has heard)
    He's paying court to Marthe! I'll keep an eye on him.

    (Julie sits at the piano and plays the prelude. Dufausset coughs to clear his throat.)

    Dufausset
    Hum! Hum!

    Pascarel
    How beautiful he is already. You can feel what a great tenor he is.

    Amadine and Marthe (swooning)
    Ah!

    Amadine
    He's exquisite.

    Landeman
    Hush, sweetie!

    Dufausset
    Hail, remain chaste and pure! (starts to cough)

    Landeman
    Yikes. There's a frog.

    Pascarel
    Where? Chase it out!

    Amadine and Marthe
    Hush!

    Dufausset
    Hail, remain chaste and pure.

    Julie
    No, excuse me. You're going down as the music goes up.

    Dufausset
    As for me, I always go down.

    Pascarel
    Yes, it's always that way with great singers. They improvise! Bravo! Bravo!

    All
    Bravo! Bravo!

    Dufausset (bowing and thanking them with gestures)
    Well you begin again, Miss? I am with you.

    (Julie begins. Just as Dufausset opens his mouth, a hurdy-gurdy begins to play outside. Everyone rushes to the window.)

    Pascarel
    Devil take them!

    Marthe
    There's a beggar at the gates.

    Amadine
    We've got to toss them some money so they will go away.

    Pascarel
    That's the idea. (tossing money) But, go away.

    All (throwing money)
    Go away! Go away!

    Pascarel
    Ah, he's gone.

    Landeman
    That's not so bad!

    (They return to gather around the piano, ready to be enchanted. Dufausset coughs again and starts to sing when the organ starts up again.)

    All
    Again! Oh!

    (They all rush to the window once more.)

    Dufausset (leaving the piano in disgust)
    There's no way to sing like this. He plays one air, I sing another— conflicting currents of air. It's just not possible.

    Pascarel
    A current of air! Ah, my God, he's right. He could catch cold. Quick, close the doors. (to Dufausset) Cover up! (to others) Cover him.

    (General uproar. All find something to cover the horrified Dufausset. One brings a scarf, another a table cloth, another a curtain, etc.)

    Dufausset (terrified)
    What's gotten into them?

    Pascarel (foot muff in hand)
    A current of air! Ah, thanks, indeed.

    (Pascarel places the foot muff on Dufausset's head.)

    Landeman (in the midst of the general uproar)
    Well, in the end, if one were not a connoisseur, one would say that poor fellow is not a tenor, he's a totem pole.

    CURTAIN


    ACT II

    A country room in the Park of Princes. Doors right and left. On the left a chimney. At the back a large bay window giving on a garden. Chairs and tables.

    Tiburce (seated at the table, folding sheets)
    Oh, how stupid life is. People allow a lover to love his mistress, but they don't allow a servant to love his mistress. Yet the word is the same! Where's the difference? Ah, Amadine, you haven't understood me. (rising) What I love in you is your appearance. One must love for both with you, you have the benefit. But one day, I had the audacity to confess my love. You called me Ruy Blas and you sent me walking. Then, to console myself, the only thing for me to do, from time to time, when you are not here, is to fold the sheets on which you sleep.

    Amadine (at the back)
    Well, Tiburce, what are you doing?

    Tiburce
    Nothing, madame. Folding sheets.

    Amadine
    My sheets? Well, you've got strange ideas. And then I was wondering why things were folded wrong.

    Tiburce
    It was I, madame. I was so happy to assist madame.

    Amadine
    Huh! He dares—That's the maid's work. Go, and don't let it happen again.

    Tiburce
    Yes, madame. (aside) This woman will never love me. A woman so strong in the flesh. Oh, my livery, how you weigh on me!

    (Exit Tiburce.)

    Amadine
    No—what an idea he had! Let's arrange this work. (she opens her work basket) Heavens! Another letter from Dufausset! The mad fool! He put it in my basket. No trouble to find it. Let's see!

    (Lambert enters from the rear, bouquet in hand.)

    Lambert
    There's no one in the house. (noticing Amadine) Ah, Sweetie Pie!

    Amadine (reading, does not see Lambert)
    “I absolutely must speak to you.”

    Lambert (bowing)
    Madame.

    Amadine (reading)
    “You really wanted to encourage me. Well, I am taking the risk.”

    Lambert (aside)
    She doesn't seem to hear me. (aloud) Madame.

    Amadine
    He's taking the risk! I don't understand this boy! He is so eloquent the way he writes and so abrupt the way he talks.

    Lambert
    She's as deaf as a pick-ax. (shouting) Madame!

    Amadine (startled)
    Huh? What? Why did you shout at me like that?

    Lambert
    I beg your pardon, but I already whispered to you twice. Then I raised the whisper a little. Are you well, madame?

    Amadine
    Yes, I'm fine now. (reading) “I am risking—”

    Lambert
    As for me, I've been suffering all night.

    Amadine
    Really? So much the better, so much the better.

    Lambert
    I thank you. (aside) She doesn't seem to be concerned about me.

    Amadine (reading)
    “Daytime is not good. Grant me, tonight, a meeting in the greenhouse.” (aloud) Huh?

    Lambert
    Couldn't you at least tell me where I can find my fiancée?

    Amadine (still preoccupied)
    In the greenhouse.

    Lambert
    In the greenhouse. Thanks. I'm going to join her.

    (Lambert exits to the right.)

    Amadine
    In the greenhouse! He doesn't suspect anything. (reading) “I swear to you it will be quite honorable.” Now, that's stupid. (reading) “Remember, I am a gallant man.” Yes, very gallant, very gallant. (reading) “If you consent, tell your husband to wave his handkerchief when he sees me singing at your choice 'One eyed snail' or 'Cuckoo, there you are' and you will indicate the time by tracing with chalk on his back. You will make me happy.” I tell you, he is eloquent in his writings. (reading) “By the way, I've found the garters, but need to know the size.” He's still at it with his garters!

    Landeman (who has entered without her noticing)
    What are you reading, Sweetie Pie?

    Amadine (quickly putting her hands behind her back)
    Me? Nothing!

    Landeman
    What do you mean, nothing? I've seen you. What's that letter you're hiding?

    Amadine
    Nothing! I tell you, a paper of no importance.

    Landeman
    Then, why did you try to hide it at my approach?

    Amadine
    It's just that—

    Landeman
    Come on, show it to me.

    Amadine
    I can't!

    Landeman
    Ah, darling. You are making me think things. Be careful. I want that letter.

    Amadine (avoiding him)
    You shan't have it!

    Landeman
    I shan't have it! Amadine, you are deceiving me. That letter is a love letter. Ah! I should have known from the way you're trying to protect it! Give me that!

    Amadine (aside)
    I am lost. (aloud) No!

    Landeman (taking it by force)
    Eh! Give it to me, I tell you.

    Amadine
    Ah! Heavens! You are an Othello!

    (Amadine collapses on the couch.)

    Landeman
    The tenor's writing! Isn't one enough for him?

    Amadine (rising quickly)
    Don't read it. (aside) Oh, in for a nickel, in for a dime. (aloud) That letter is not for me.

    Landeman
    Not for you? Then who is it for?

    Amadine
    Why, for—(aside) Oh, forgive me, Marthe. (aloud) Are you capable of keeping a secret, even to death?

    Landeman (with conviction)
    Even after.

    Amadine
    Well, that letter is for Marthe.

    Landeman
    Huh? For—Is that really so? After all, it doesn't surprise me. He told her “I love you” right in front of me. Then, it might really be true. All the same—I am going to find out. (starts to leave)

    Amadine
    Where are you going?

    Landeman
    What? Eh, good God, I'm taking the letter to Marthe.

    Amadine
    What?

    Landeman
    Hell!

    Amadine (holding him back)
    You aren't going to do that!

    Landeman
    I'm going to force myself.

    Amadine
    That's impossible.

    Landeman
    Why? That letter is for her. I'll take it to her. It's quite simple.

    Amadine (in desperation)
    But, that would be immoral! (Marthe enters) Marthe! Ah! God help us.

    (Amadine runs out right.)

    Marthe
    Hello, doctor.

    Landeman (bowing)
    Madame.

    Marthe (sitting down)
    Well! It seems I made your wife run off.

    Landeman
    Yes—err-no! And, is your husband well?

    Marthe
    Yes. He's not back yet. He's at the Opera. This is the moment Mr. Dufausset is having his audition—and my husband insisted on being present at his triumph.

    Landeman
    And he'll have it. He has a marvelous voice—from what they say at Bordeaux—because, as for me—now, you know, there's a difference in the climate. And then, perhaps one needs to do something.

    Marthe
    It's the Italian method.

    Landeman
    Apparently. Besides that, he's a really charming young man.

    Marthe
    My husband adores him.

    Landeman (aside)
    Not astonishing. They always do. (aloud) Speaking of him. Here's a little note he asked me to give you and I—

    (Landeman hands the paper to Marthe who rises to take it.)

    Marthe (opening the letter)
    Let's see. (reading) “I absolutely must speak to you.” (aside) The mad fool! (aloud) Yes, yes, I know what this is—some information I asked him—

    Landeman
    Ah! It's a—

    Marthe
    Yes, I thank you very much.

    Landeman
    So, it really was for her. I like that better.

    (Landeman goes out left.)

    Marthe
    What a silly thing to entrust such a compromising letter to a third person. Fortunately, Landeman isn't suspicious. (sits on couch)

    Lambert (entering from the right back)
    Well, you know, she wasn't in the greenhouse. Heavens, it's not Sweetie Pie—it's Madame Pascarel.

    Marthe
    This Dufausset is really bold.

    Lambert (bowing)
    Madame.

    Marthe
    What can he be writing me?

    Lambert (bowing again)
    Madame! (aside) She's just like the other one.

    Marthe (reading)
    “I absolutely must speak to you.” Huh?

    Lambert
    And she's reading, too. Is this a reading room, then?

    Marthe (reading)
    “I absolutely must speak to you. You really—” (unable to read it) ”— encouraged me—”

    Lambert (continuing like a lesson learned by heart)
    “You really encouraged me. I am risking—”

    Marthe (rising)
    Huh? You! How do you know?

    Lambert
    Oh! I was saying—I suppose—(aside) It's a circular!

    Marthe
    Why, then, you read it?

    Lambert
    No, I only knew that phrase, that's all. Some begging letter, huh? It's without importance.

    Marthe
    Yes, exactly. (aside) He gave me a scare.

    (Marthe sits down again. Lambert sits as close to her as he can.)

    Lambert
    And you are well today, dear future mother-in-law?

    Marthe (aside)
    Why is he sitting like that? (aloud) Yes, yes, very well. Thank you so much.

    Lambert
    I've been suffering all night.

    Marthe (getting up to move to another chair)
    Come on, so much the better.

    Lambert (moving to the chair she vacated)
    You imagine that I'm looking for my fiancée to give her this bouquet. Madame Landeman told me she was in the greenhouse. She wasn't in the greenhouse.

    Marthe
    No, no, indeed. (reading on the sly) “Daytime isn't good—”

    Lambert
    You don't know where I could find her?

    Marthe (aside)
    God, he's a nuisance. (aloud) Who?

    Lambert
    My fiancée.

    Marthe (at the end of her patience)
    Oh! (aloud, to get rid of him) In the barn.

    Lambert
    In the barn? What a funny place. I'm off. (bowing) Madame.

    (Lambert goes out left.)

    Marthe
    That's a relief. Let's read. “Grant me tonight an interview in the greenhouse.” He's crazy! Why, what does he take me for? “I swear to you it will be perfectly honorable.” Oh, perfectly, perfectly. Just what I was telling myself, too. “Remember I am a gallant man.” No, no, I can't do it. Night is too dangerous. Perfectly honorable—stuff! Yes, but on the other hand, if I don't go I would be insulting him, since he says: “I am a gallant man.” I would seem to be doubting that, while, by going, I'd force him to behave honorably and it would be polite on my part. And then, and then, perhaps it wouldn't be too dull. (reading) “If you consent, tell your husband to wave his handkerchief when he sees me singing at your choice 'One eyed snail' or 'Cuckoo, there you are!” Ah, he must—(acts as if she were waving a handkerchief) He's the one who will give the signal. No, I have a scruple. I'll tell him not to wave very enthusiastically, that will palliate things. (reading) “You will indicate the time by tracing with chalk on his back.” Oh, no, no. That would never do—to chalk up my husband. (reading) “By the way, I've found the garters, but they want to know the size.” Really, he must be a shareholder in a factory.

    Amadine (entering from the left)
    Marthe. She mustn't know about this. I have to have a clear conscience.

    Marthe
    Sweetie Pie.

    (Marthe slides over to make a place for Amadine. They hug.)

    Amadine (simpering)
    How nice you keep this place.

    Marthe
    Me?

    Amadine (sitting beside her)
    Ah, this is nice. (a moment of silence) Uh! Have you seen my husband?

    Marthe
    Why, yes, indeed.

    Amadine
    He must have given you a letter?

    Marthe
    Huh? How do you know?

    Amadine
    I know because I had it in my hands.

    Marthe
    Ah, you had it. (aside) This Dufausset is really mad. Stupid to make a daisy chain with things like that.

    Amadine
    Oh, you know, that letter—I didn't read it.

    Marthe
    Ah, you—(aside) I can breathe again.

    Amadine
    Anymore than you, I hope?

    Marthe
    Me? Why, what do you take me for? I don't read letters.

    Amadine
    As for me, I have principles.

    Marthe (aside)
    She doesn't suspect anything. I've saved.

    Amadine (aside)
    She didn't see anything. I'm not worried. (aloud) But, this letter?

    Marthe
    I tore it up. What did you think I'd do with it?

    Amadine
    Ah! You could have shown it to me.

    Marthe (aside)
    Heavens! We'll see about that! (aloud) I thought it better to tear it up.

    Amadine (aside)
    After all—I'm being stupid. I already read it. (aloud) Say, doubtless it was some timid declaration of love.

    Marthe (simpering)
    That letter? Oh, no!

    Amadine (simpering)
    And yes, yes. What, you aren't responsible for the feelings you inspire.

    Marthe
    Oh, yes—no, indeed, it's deluding oneself. It's inadmissible.

    Amadine
    Huh? Why, if you please?

    Marthe
    It must be that this love was not serious. The object wasn't really worth the bother.

    Amadine
    The object? What a way to speak, and why not worth the bother?

    Marthe
    Thanks. It's sweet of you to say that. Only, there's nothing to be deluded about. You see, one must come down a peg or two. One is not the kind of woman to excite passion.

    Amadine (aside)
    She is impertinent. (dryly) You think one is as much in a state of exciting passions as certain other persons?

    Marthe
    That would be fatuous on the part of the thinker.

    Amadine
    Not everyone thinks as you do. If the Vendome Column could speak—

    Marthe
    The Vendome Column has nothing to do with it.

    Amadine
    I beg your pardon. As for me, I don't advance anything without supporting it. It's real easy to talk. What has to be done is to prove. Not everyone has the Vendome Column to pull out of their pocket.

    Marthe
    What's she talking about?

    Amadine
    Finally, my dear, I find what you said very uncalled for, and I don't have any trouble telling you so. (rising)

    Marthe (aside)
    What a good friend! She defends me against me. (aloud, rising) Come on. Look, let's say I said nothing—

    Amadine
    Allow me. You said “object.”

    Marthe
    Well, I withdraw the word. All that's not serious, then!

    Amadine
    Really? It's not serious? All, well, so much the better—because it caused me pain.

    Marthe
    What a heart!

    Amadine
    And you will no longer say one is not a woman to inspire passion?

    Marthe
    No—there! That, that's agreed. It was so as not to seem flattering.

    Amadine
    What does that make between us?

    Marthe
    Well, I'll say, if you insist, that one is the most beautiful, the most charming, the most exquisite of women.

    Amadine
    Oh, you are going from one extreme to the other. No, just passable.

    Marthe
    What do you mean “just passable”?

    Amadine
    One has one's attractions, one's allures, but I assure you one understands quite well that a man, neither too old or indeed too young, who doesn't have an embarrassment of riches to choose from—

    Marthe
    Oh, indeed! She's pulling me down now.

    Amadine
    Still, we've seen things like that. For example, consider the Vendome Column.

    Marthe
    Eh! The Column, the Column. When it was really the Bastille. (aside) In the end she bores me.

    Amadine
    What's the matter with you?

    Marthe
    I find your remarks in poor taste.

    Amadine
    Me! Oh, you are too indulgent to me.

    Marthe
    One doesn't talk this way about people.

    Amadine
    Oh, when it touches so close to home. Still, it's good—if I went for-—I realize—The fact is I've been too severe, but I won't think another word about it.

    Marthe
    Good.

    Amadine
    What an excellent friend.

    (Marthe and Amadine shake hands.)

    Tiburce (at the back)
    Madame, madame. Your husband has returned, completely collapsed it seems.

    Amadine
    Ah, my God!

    Marthe
    Why's that?

    Landeman (coming in from the left)
    What's the matter?

    Julie (coming in from the right)
    What is it?

    Amadine
    It's Mr. Pascarel.

    Marthe
    It's your father.

    Pascarel (coming in from the back)
    Ah, my friends. Water, water. Something. Help me. I can't take any more. (they hover about him as he collapses) Oh, what a thing. Ah, good. (drinks from a cup handed to him by Tiburce) He had his audition. It was something, really! A disaster!

    All (annihilated)
    Ah!

    Pascarel
    Oh, I actually expected it. Even yesterday, when we made him sing, I told myself so, indeed. And you, too, Landeman, you said so, too. It's funny, isn't it? But I was thinking we aren't musicians. Since he's famous, he must have a beautiful voice. Well, I assure you, he's overrated. That's how they get a reputation down South. I ought to have been suspicious, after all. The people from Bordeaux, they're such lying windbags.

    (Pascarel finishes his water and gives the empty cup to Tiburce who immediately hands him another.)

    All
    Then?

    Pascarel (rising)
    We arrived at the Opera where the directors received us and took us to a hall. There were only two of us and the jury. The jury was composed of the directors and the conductor. The conductor was assigned to accompany him. He asked what arias Dufausset sang. He replied that he knew, quite well, “Miss, listen to me carefully.” The conductor objected that it was not part of the repertory and he didn't know it. So he fell back on his eternal “Hail, remain chaste and pure.” As for me, I was seized with uncertainty because things weren't going so well today as they did here yesterday evening. Finally, I said to myself: “May God have mercy.” And he sang, if one can call that singing. He was off key and out of tune. And it was no use for him to argue that the piano was out of tune or the accompanist going too fast. They didn't fall for that. The directors looked at each other. They were horrified. The accompanist was in a funk. He kept saying: “Go on—come on, go on.” In the end, Dufausset said “Damn!” I felt everyone looking at him. I was covered with shame and, when I left, someone said the Opera is not a dive for practical jokes. Oh, the criminal!

    Julie
    Calm down, papa.

    Pascarel
    Calm down! Calm down! (rising and pacing rapidly) It's easy to say that. What am I going to do with this good-for-nothing? Look, I've got a contract with him. A contract which ties me up like a sheep. Thirty-five hundred francs per month. If you think that's a small thing for a tenor who has no voice. And then, your Opera? Who's going to perform it? It won't be Landeman, and it won't be me, and now I cannot contract with all the tenors who are free of engagements to find an interpreter for you. Let's found an agency, then.

    (Pascarel paces to the right. Amadine pulls Julie aside.)

    Marthe
    Look, you are exaggerating things. Dufausset was probably tired. The change in climate, who knows, the trip. He just got here yesterday. You didn't give him time to relax. You thought that if he's celebrated in Bordeaux that he had something.

    Pascarel
    Ah, yuck! He's a zero, really! I made a great purchase. (Dufausset appears at the back) There he is. Leave us alone.

    (All leave by the right.)

    Dufausset
    It's me.

    Pascarel
    Ah, there you are, sir.

    Dufausset
    Yes, and I'm dying of hunger.

    Pascarel
    You are dying of hunger? That's fine with me. Am I to feed useless mouths? Aren't you blushing over your parasitic condition?

    Dufausset
    Parasitic? Well, say now!

    Pascarel
    You can boast of having been brilliant just now at the Opera.

    Dufausset
    My God.

    Pascarel
    Ah! You think that went well, do you? Well, you're not stupid. You saw the way they looked at you. It was shameful!

    Dufausset
    So? It was your fault. You didn't have to make me sing.

    Pascarel
    It seems to me tenors are not made for shining shoes.

    Dufausset
    Right. Everybody has his job. It was easy to see I was in no condition.

    Pascarel
    Well, all you had to do was tell me and we would have waited a while.

    Dufausset
    I thought it wasn't serious. We Bordelais say “Exaggerate like a Parisian.” Then, I had a thought. Pascarel is laying a joke on the Opera. Let's give them a good ribbing!

    Pascarel
    Well, that's your pretty idea! Now, what can I do with you? You think I'm going to see you browse and pay you for your good looks? As for the Opera, there's no use even thinking of it. Do you write well? Do you know how to count?

    Dufausset
    Umm! Umm!

    Pascarel
    Let's see. Thirty-five plus nine—how much is that?

    Dufausset
    Thirty-five plus nine—(counting on his fingers) Thirty-six, thirty- seven, thirty-eight—

    Pascarel
    Look, thirty-five plus nine. Do you have to count on your fingers?

    Dufausset
    No. Only, it's easier that way.

    Pascarel
    Oh, easier! What if you don't have enough fingers? (aside) No, what am I to do with this character? (aloud) Still, I don't know. We'll try to make some use of you. You can run errands. And in the mornings, you can dust.

    Dufausset
    Me?

    Pascarel
    Yes, you! You must be good for something! To give tenors three thousand five hundred francs a month is incredible. You could buy a slave for less. And that would be of more use.

    Dufausset (aside)
    Me, dust rooms? I'm going to write dad.

    Pascarel
    And, look here, not a word to Tiburce, you know. If he finds out about the wages I'm paying you, he will get ideas, thank you very much. (aside) Oh, if I could only pass him off on some imbecile.

    (Pascarel goes out at back right.)

    Dufausset
    Oh, this is too much. To humiliate me in this way. This morning, he coddled me, he put me in silks, and now he treats me like a dog at a wedding.

    Julie (entering)
    You are enraged, Mr. Dufausset?

    Dufausset
    It's your father, miss. He wants me to dust the rooms, polish the floors—

    Julie
    Oh!

    Dufausset
    What's more, soon he'll call me a flunky.

    Julie
    Poor young man. Papa isn't thinking what he's saying. (aside) How could one cause pain to such a nice young man!

    Dufausset
    Oh, miss, he's deeply wounded me, and if I wasn't kept here by the charms of someone—

    Julie (aside)
    Is it possible? (aloud) A young person?

    Dufausset
    A young person, but I cannot name her.

    Julie
    Don't, no. It would make me blush.

    Dufausset
    I wouldn't take it otherwise. (aside) Amadine must have received my letter by now. What will she think?

    Julie
    I'm very happy with the confession you've just made me. Ah, really happy. And, I trust your discretion.

    Dufausset
    Discretion is the finest characteristic of a man. (aside) Which doesn't prevent him from wanting to know who it is.

    Julie
    Ah, I'm quite happy.

    Dufausset (leaving by the back)
    As for me, I'm dying of hunger.

    Amadine (coming in from the right)
    Who was that who just left?

    (Marthe appears at the right.)

    Julie
    Mr. Dufausset. He had a scene with dad. He was deeply wounded. He went to eat.

    Marthe (coming in)
    That proves he has got heart.

    Amadine
    And appetite.

    Marthe
    Your father's not here?

    Julie
    No. Are you looking for him?

    Marthe
    Yes, I need him. (aside) To make him—

    Amadine
    I have to find my husband, too. (aside) I've provisioned myself with a piece of chalk from the billiard table.

    (Pascarel comes in from the back.)

    Pascarel
    That's all good. You can eat later. You go help Tiburce water the flowers. So much for useless parasites, at least those one can't get rid of. (goes back)

    Marthe
    Oh, my friend. What you just said was villainous.

    Julie (standing by the table)
    Poor boy.

    Amadine
    He must water the plants.

    Dufausset (entering with two watering jugs)
    What humiliation! Oh, if I weren't forced to stay. (to Marthe) So, would you like me to take care of your canary?

    Marthe
    Huh? (going to her husband)

    Amadine
    Take great care. My husband has his suspicions. I think he suspects your sinful love.

    Dufausset
    Heavens to Betsy! I was the one who told him.

    Amadine
    You wretch. And how did he take it?

    Dufausset
    Him! What do you expect him to do? He only said: “Ah, well—that's unusual.”

    Amadine (aside)
    Did he? He said—the insolent creature. Well, I must have been wrong to have scruples. (to Dufausset) Sir, I am waiting for your garters. My size is fifty-eight.

    Dufausset (horrified)
    Ah—I—size fifty-eight—you know—fifty-eight pleases me. (aside) They have a mania for garters in this town.

    Pascarel (coming forward)
    Come on, don't waste time. Go water the flowers. Hurry up, because after that I have an errand for you to run.

    Dufausset
    Me?

    Pascarel
    Yes. You'll go get me some garters because one of mine snapped.

    Dufausset
    Him, too! It's in the blood. (goes out right)

    Marthe
    What? You're letting him leave?

    Julie (going to Pascarel)
    Oh, father, the poor boy—

    Pascarel
    What do you mean “the poor boy”? Do you know what he's getting from me? Three thousand five hundred a month and you complain! Well, what will you say to Tiburce who has only fifty?

    Amadine
    That's not a reason to humiliate him.

    Julie
    You've deeply wounded him.

    Marthe
    Want to know what I think? You are just an egoist.

    Amadine
    Yes, he's very villainous.

    Marthe
    Very villainous.

    Pascarel
    What's so villainous about it?

    All three women
    Yes, very villainous, very villainous, very villainous.

    Pascarel
    There, there, calm down.

    Julie
    The poor boy. I'm going to find him in the garden and bring him words of consolation.

    (Julie goes out right.)

    Amadine
    As for me, I'm going to find my husband. I'm going to make him up something fine. Oh, you're going to get it. “It's so unusual.”

    (Amadine goes out right.)

    Pascarel (sitting on the couch)
    You are nice to complain, you are. I think I am the one who should complain. I ask you, what am I to do? No theatre wants him.

    Marthe (sitting beside him)
    Who knows? Look around.

    (Tiburce enters and waits seeing his employers speak.)

    Pascarel
    How can you expect someone to take a tenor who has no voice?

    Tiburce
    I beg pardon, sir, but in all lines of business, there's always a way to smarten up the nightingales. So, when my father, who was a horse- jobber, had an old nag to sell, he'd put a grain of ginger under the tail and that would the business. I recommend the remedy to you, sir.

    Pascarel
    I thank you. If you have anything else to suggest—

    Tiburce
    Not at the moment. I was just coming to tell you that Mr. Lambert is here.

    Pascarel
    Show him in.

    Tiburce
    Fine, sir.

    (Tiburce introduces Lambert and retires.)

    Lambert
    Future father-in-law, mother-in-law.

    Marthe (vexed)
    Future mother-in-law.

    Pascarel
    You've come about your fiancée?

    Lambert
    Imagine, I haven't had any luck. I was waiting for her in the barn and she wasn't there.

    Pascarel
    She's in the garden.

    Lambert (aside)
    Take care to avoid speaking stupidly. Apply mother's remedy. (twisting his tongue) I am bringing this bouquet (more twisting) to my fiancée. (more twisting) I would be so happy to see her.

    Marthe (rising)
    What's the matter with him?

    Pascarel (also rising)
    Heavens, does this happen to you often? (aside) Julie told me about it. I'd never noticed.

    Marthe
    If you want to see Julie, she's in the garden. She's watching the may bug being killed.

    (Marthe sits down and knits.)

    Lambert (twisting his tongue)
    You have a lot of May bugs?

    Pascarel (aside)
    Ah, why, he is exasperating with his tic. (aloud) And, there's no remedy for it?

    Lambert
    Yes, one takes boiling water and scalds them. That really kills them.

    Pascarel
    Huh? That's a treatment for you? No, as for me, I know another way. I heard of a specialist named Demosthenes who put little stones—you could try.

    Lambert
    For the May bugs?

    Pascarel
    Why, no. For your thingamajigger there. (imitating him)

    Lambert
    Oh, for my—Oh, that. That's nothing. Don't worry. Let's go. I'm going to find Miss Julie. (starts to leave)

    Pascarel
    That's it. Say, while I'm thinking of it, you wouldn't need a tenor?

    Lambert
    No, my mother's looking for a cook.

    Pascarel
    Well, there! I'll let her have my tenor. He's very healthy and a fine fellow. He also runs errands.

    Lambert
    But, a tenor?

    Pascarel
    Oh, he doesn't sing much.

    Lambert
    What's he asking?

    Pascarel
    Three thousand five hundred francs a month.

    Lambert
    Huh! For a cook? Why, he's mad!

    Pascarel
    He doesn't drink or smoke.

    Lambert
    At that price, no way.

    Pascarel
    I told you, no one, no one would want him.

    Lambert
    I've got to go.

    (Lambert leaves right rear.)

    Pascarel
    Still, if you hear of anyone who wants him, right? (pacing) Ah, if he could only get his voice back for twenty-four hours. If you could do it with ginger the way you do with horses—and later, it's all the same to me if he no longer has a voice, once I've found a place for him.

    Marthe (aside)
    Perhaps it's time to speak to my husband about the signal. Decidedly, he must say yes. But, how to make him do it? Ah, what an idea! (rising, going to her husband) Say, you want Dufausset to get his voice back? Well, perhaps I know a way. I don't guarantee anything, you know, I give it to you for what it's worth. No, I don't dare tell you. You're going to laugh.

    Pascarel
    No, no, go ahead!

    Marthe
    It smacks of—superstition. Anyway, a fortune teller told me about it. It seems infallible. When a singer loses his voice, there's a simple way to get it back for him.

    Pascarel
    Well?

    Marthe
    Well, here it is! When Dufausset enters, you'll wave your handkerchief at him like this (waving) and say three times: “Cuckoo, there he is.”

    Pascarel (pulling out his handkerchief and waving it)
    Then what?

    Marthe
    That's all.

    Pascarel
    That's all. That's stupid, your way.

    Marthe
    It doesn't cost anything to try it.

    Pascarel
    That's an old wives' tale. Anyway, I'll try it. At least, it can't do any harm.

    Marthe (to herself)
    And now the time. Two o'clock is a nice time. (aloud) Ah!

    Pascarel
    What?

    Marthe
    Turn around.

    Pascarel
    What for?

    Marthe (tracing two lines on his back)
    One—two—there, two o'clock.

    Pascarel
    Aie! You're tickling me. What's wrong?

    Marthe
    Ah, no, nothing. I thought I saw a May bug on you.

    Pascarel
    Well?

    Marthe
    Well, no. I was seeing double. (aside) And now, Dufausset will know what to do.

    (Marthe goes out right. Amadine comes in from the left, followed by Landeman.)

    Amadine
    So, you've quite understood? You will shake your handkerchief very hard.

    Landeman (with lines on his back)
    Yes, yes, Sweetie Pie. (aside) If this works, I'll give up medicine. (waving his handkerchief)

    Pascarel (aside, waving his handkerchief)
    This is idiotic. God, how stupid women are.

    Amadine (aside)
    Three o'clock. That's the time my husband snores the loudest. (aloud) I shall leave you.

    (Amadine goes out right. Pascarel and Landeman stare in astonishment at each other silently for a moment.)

    Pascarel
    Well! What are you doing with your handkerchief in your hand?

    Landeman
    Well! And you?

    Pascarel
    Me? Nothing. I'm waiting to sneeze.

    Landeman
    Ah, whereas, I—you have no idea how stupid this is. I'm waiting for Dufausset.

    Pascarel
    Really? Well, what do you want me to tell you? Me, too.

    Landeman
    It seems it's a question of waving the handkerchief. That brings the voice back.

    Pascarel
    Yes, precisely.

    Landeman (aside)
    What, could it be true?

    Pascarel
    Him, a man of science? That reassures me.

    Landeman
    It seems, it suffices to wave—

    Pascarel
    Yes, saying three times, “Cuckoo, there he is.”

    Landeman
    Ah, no!

    Pascarel
    Yes.

    Landeman
    No. Sweetie Pie didn't tell me that.

    Pascarel
    She must have forgotten.

    Landeman
    Not at all. She told me you have to sing “One eyed snail, show me your horns.”

    Pascarel (aside)
    Ah, perhaps there are variations. There are so many branches of medicine.

    Landeman (aside)
    Ah, indeed. She is really clever.

    Pascarel (aside)
    I'd never have believed it.

    Landeman
    Look sharp! Here he comes.

    Dufausset
    There, are you satisfied? I've killed them, your May bugs.

    (Pascarel and Landeman wave their handkerchiefs.)

    Dufausset
    Hey! What's gotten into you?

    Together
    Pascarel Landeman Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo, there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.

    Dufausset
    Ah! The signal. It's the signal. Oh, joy. She accepts.

    Pascarel
    Look how agitated he is!

    Landeman
    It's the beginning of the crisis.

    Dufausset
    Poor woman, she's afraid her husband would not be enough. She's sending reinforcements.

    Pascarel
    Well, how do you feel? Do you notice something?

    Dufausset
    Ah, I should say so. It seems everything's expanding inside me.

    Pascarel
    That's good.

    Landeman
    This is incredible.

    Pascarel
    What a joke on the scientists.

    Landeman
    I'll have to try this with my patients.

    Together (waving their handkerchiefs)
    Pascarel Landeman Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo, there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.

    Dufausset
    Ah, but, don't wear yourselves out. That's enough.

    Pascarel
    Let us alone, the more the better.

    (Pascarel gives Dufausset a sly punch in the stomach. Then he turns away so that Dufausset notices the marks.)

    Landeman
    Why, yes, it's for your own good.

    (Landeman nudges Dufausset and then turns away.

    Dufausset
    Ah, that's for—he's astonishing, this husband. (looking at Pascarel) One—two. The rendezvous is for two o'clock.

    Pascarel
    Cuckoo, there he is.

    Dufausset (noticing Landeman)
    One, to, three. So—go—there. Ah, wait. Two or three, which is it?

    Landeman
    One eyed snail—

    Dufausset
    Eh! No, she split it up between the two men. Have to add two plus three—two plus three.

    Pascarel (helping him)
    Five. Two plus three—five.

    Dufausset
    Just so—five. It's at five. Ah, I'm very happy. (singing in full voice)
      Mine the pleasures
      Of a young mistress.

    Pascarel (stunned)
    He's singing!

    Dufausset (singing)

      Mine their caresses.
      Mine their desires.

    Landeman (stunned)
    He's found his voice.

    Pascarel
    This is marvelous. Finally, I've got my tenor back. Ah, Dufausset! My dear Dufausset. (shaking his hand)

    Dufausset
    Well, now what's gotten into them?

    (Lambert has entered and watched this spectacle. He is flabbergasted.)

    Pascarel (to Lambert)
    Ah, my friend, listen. He's found his voice.

    Lambert
    Who?

    Pascarel
    My tenor.

    Lambert
    The cook?

    Pascarel (to Dufausset)
    Ah, do it again, so he can hear. Landeman, your handkerchief. You, too, Lambert, wave your handkerchief. That will strengthen it.

    Lambert (obeying)
    What's he sing?

    Pascarel
    What's he sing? “Mine the Pleasure.” You're going to hear it. Go ahead, Dufausset.

    Dufausset
    Oh, if you want me too. (they wave their handkerchiefs) (singing)
      Mine the pleasure,
      Mine the young mistresses.

    (Dufausset stops singing.)

    Pascarel
    Huh? Is that all?

    Lambert
    Yes, yes. (singing)
      Mine their desires.
      Mine their caresses.

    Pascarel and Landeman
    Him, too?

    Dufausset and Lambert

      Mine the energy
      Of savage instincts.

    Pascarel
    Why, this charm is wonderful. (calling) Ah, Julie, Marthe, Sweetie Pie.

    The three women (entering)
    What's the matter?

    Pascarel
    Ah, come, my friends. Dufausset has got his voice back.

    Lambert (who hasn't stopped singing)

      The mad orgy
      Of feelings and sensuality.

    Pascarel
    Why, you, be quiet! (to Marthe) Marthe, your method is excellent.

    Marthe
    Not possible!

    Dufausset (aside)
    Yes, I get it.

    Tiburce
    You tried the ginger, sir?

    Pascarel
    No, indeed, leave us in peace with your ginger.

    Dufausset
    Ah, I am quite happy. Madame, I'll be on time. Here are your garters.

    Marthe
    Thanks. (aside) He keeps at it. (aloud) But, you swear to me, this is quite honorable?

    Dufausset
    I swear it.

    (Marthe goes to Julie. Amadine goes near Dufausset.)

    Amadine (to Dufausset, low)
    Ah, young man, what are you going to think of me?

    Dufausset (shrugging)
    Oh, no, her again. (aloud) Why, nothing at all.

    Amadine
    Say: “Heavens, they put a plug in this column.”

    Dufausset
    Decidedly it's a fetish. “Heavens, they put a plug in this column.

    Amadine (aside)
    Oh, it can only be him! (aloud) Ah, young man. I am going to be very sinful.

    Dufausset
    Go on, so much the better! So much the better. (hums)

    Amadine (delighted)
    Ah, he's happy, poor darling!

    Dufausset
    And now, I'm going back to the May bugs.

    Pascarel
    Never in life. You, to the May bugs? Tiburce, to your watering pots, and you, Dufausset, to glory, to the Opera. (to Landeman) Together, Landeman.

    Together (with their handkerchiefs)
    Pascarel Landeman Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo, there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.

    (All copy them, to Dufausset's horror.)

    CURTAIN


    ACT III

    Scene: Same as Act I. The table and chairs have been removed.

    Tiburce
    Damn! I couldn't sleep. All night I seemed to hear walking in the house. I had nightmares. I dreamed I was going to marry Sweetie Pie. (sentimentally) She was even more fleshy than in real life, but then a mother-in-law appeared with a head like Landeman and she was against the romance. Then there was a fight between the women—and somehow I boxed her ear. What's it mean to dream of a mother-in-law? Let's look in the Key to Dreams. It's infallible. I knew a nurse that it predicted her son would rake in millions and he became a croupier. (scanning the book) Let's see, mother-in-law, see warming-pan. (leafing some more) Warming-pan, see mother-in-law. This could go on for a long time like that.

    Landeman (coming in from the left)
    Ah, Tiburce. Tell me, have either Mr. Pascarel or the tenor come down yet?

    Tiburce
    No. I don't understand it. It's nearly eleven o'clock and no one is down yet. It's as if they'd been awake all night. I think, between ourselves, that if they're sleeping so late today, it's because yesterday, the cook, not having enough caramel to flavor the bouillon, put some laudanum in it.

    Landeman
    Laudanum! You are crazy.

    Tiburce
    Yes, sir. Just joking.

    Landeman
    You don't know what you're talking about today. Ah, here's Mr. Pascarel. Leave us.

    Tiburce
    Right, sir. (goes out at the rear)

    Landeman
    Eh, time you got here.

    Pascarel (entering from the right)
    Here I am. Have you seen Dufausset?

    Landeman
    Not yet.

    Pascarel
    You don't know if he's still got his voice?

    Landeman
    God, I haven't seen him since yesterday.

    Pascarel
    Anyway, I'm not worried. We have the means: “One Eyed Snail.” Oh, my God. Why, that won't work at the Opera.

    Landeman
    My word, that could really happen, you know. As for me, what I can't get out of my head is that Dufausset is trying to put us there.

    Pascarel
    He won't be a tenor?

    Landeman
    On the contrary, he has reasons to hide from us.

    Pascarel
    You think so?

    Landeman
    Yes. You understand, even in the south, it's impossible for someone to have a reputation as a singer if he's completely voiceless. Only he might have smelled the truth and learned that the Opera will engage him; then, furious at having signed with you, he found another way to force you to release him from his engagement by making you believe he has no voice.

    Pascarel
    Ah, really. That isn't half bad; he knew a thing or two. Happily, you saw through it right away. We are not imbeciles.

    Landeman
    Damn, it's obvious. A voice doesn't vanish in two days. My God, that he might lose it over a long period of time, that could happen, because he's got something that will injure it. In my opinion, I think this lad is a real libertine, and you know, that's bad for the voice.

    Pascarel
    Ah, you think that?

    Landeman
    He only has to look at a petticoat—(making sure no one is listening) Why, heavens, here—you haven't seen a thing. Well, there's a woman here that he's chasing.

    Pascarel (aside)
    What do you mean, I haven't seen a thing? God, it's his wife.

    Landeman
    Oh, I shall not mention her name.

    Pascarel
    No. (aside) The clumsy fool is nabbing himself.

    Landeman (aside)
    I won't mention her name because she's his wife.

    Pascarel
    I assure you, Landeman, that's not it.

    Landeman
    Heavens, he hasn't told you about it?

    Pascarel
    Yes, yes, on the contrary. He did tell me. He said: “You know, Pascarel, I seem to be—” Well, not at all, that's not it. I assure you, there' nothing to it.

    Landeman
    I believe you. And then, you know, I really hope so. As for me, I couldn't give a damn.

    Pascarel
    Ah, you—he's a good sort.

    Landeman
    Why, it's all the same—as for you, be suspicious.

    Pascarel
    Why, in that case, my friend, you don't care. I do as you do.

    Landeman
    Ah, good, in that case—(aside) He's a philosopher.

    Dufausset (entering from the back)
    It's me.

    Pascarel
    Ah, there you are, my dear Dufausset. I heard you making waves just now.

    Dufausset
    Me? Never.

    Pascarel
    Why, never?

    Landeman
    No, he's telling the truth. I thought so, too, at first, but it was the water in the reservoir—water that was rising.

    Pascarel
    Ah, that was it. It sings nicely. Like you. For you have a voice. Ah, wise-guy, it's no use for you to hold it back, it breaks out, and the timber—Ah, ah, ah, you've got timber enough.

    Dufausset
    Me? No more than others, for heaven's sake.

    Pascarel
    Come on, look, no mystification, we are sharp. Don't try to do that to us—let it loose!

    Dufausset
    What?

    Pascarel
    Eh! Your voice. Go to it. We are know you are a tenor of the greatest merit.

    Dufausset
    Me? Why, that's laughable.

    Pascarel
    Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't play so innocent. I know your game.

    Landeman
    Why, it's useless. He won't release you.

    Pascarel
    No use being stubborn about it.

    Dufausset
    They're sticking to it.

    Pascarel
    Sing the scale a little. Do, re, me, etc.

    Dufausset
    Do, re, me, etc.

    Pascarel
    Louder!

    Dufausset
    Do, re me, etc. (aside) They're trying to turn me into a braying ass.

    Pascarel
    Well, there, that's it. He's a bit off key, but that's because there are currents of air. When there's scenery around—

    Landeman
    You see quite well you have a fine voice

    Dufausset
    Me!

    Pascarel
    Besides, your reputation was made in Bordeaux.

    Dufausset
    Come on!

    Pascarel
    That's why I gave you such a brilliant contract. Without that do you imagine—

    Dufausset
    It's really true! What you are saying is absolutely serious?

    Pascarel
    Yes!

    Dufausset
    Well, indeed, I would never have suspected it of myself.

    Landeman
    It's childish to try to hide it from us.

    Dufausset
    Oh, I assure you, that up to now, I was quite unaware of it. Sure, it's so positive, would you like me to tell you? Deep down, I always felt I had a voice, but they discouraged me down there by saying: “Shut up, you're going to make it rain.”

    Pascarel
    There are always envious people who like to ruin vocations.

    Dufausset
    Do, re me—Ah, ah, ah, ah. (singing)
      Goodbye, remain chaste and pure.

    Pascarel
    Yi! Always the same tune. He doesn't vary it much.

    Dufausset
    Ah, don't be afraid. I will learn others.

    Pascarel
    It's so pretty. Such a beautiful voice.

    Dufausset
    Ah, I think so, indeed. But in France, there's no—you have to go to Italy. If you'd been to the Sistine Chapel, like I was—

    Pascarel
    What did you say just now?

    Dufausset
    I said, if you'd been to the Sistine Chapel, like I was—

    Landeman
    I heard correctly. What, you were at the Sistine Chapel—you—to sing?

    Dufausset
    What?

    Landeman
    To sing, I say.

    Dufausset (aside)
    To sing. He wants me to sing again. (aloud) Right, right. (singing)
      Goodbye, remain chaste—

    Pascarel
    Enough.

    Dufausset
    Alright.

    Landeman (low to Pascarel)
    He said “Right.” Did you hear?

    Pascarel
    Yes, I won't dwell on it, poor boy.

    Dufausset
    To get back to the Sistine Chapel—you know, doubtless, that the singers are—(makes a snipping motion)

    Pascarel (sympathetically)
    Yes,, we know, we know.

    Dufausset
    Well, you can't possibly imagine the intensity of the harmony released by such pure voices in congregation. They sing as if they shared one soul.

    Pascarel
    They sing from memory, understood!

    Dufausset
    Oh, evidently.

    Landeman
    And, what gave a young buck like you the idea of joining them?

    Dufausset
    Well, my word. You know what it's like. I was in Rome. I already had a bit of the spleen. I'd just learned that my mistress, who'd sworn to love me forever, had just run off with a Neapolitan dentist.

    Pascarel
    I see. It was from despair in love.

    Dufausset
    Put yourself in my place.

    Pascarel
    Thanks.

    Dufausset
    You understand my mood. To divert myself, I set to wandering the streets of Rome. Alone, discouraged, disgusted with life and women—

    Landeman
    Yes, yes.

    Dufausset
    Suddenly, I saw before me the Sistine Chapel. Well, for a man who is quite alone, in Rome, with the spleen and one mistress the less—it was a great comfort.

    Pascarel
    Middling—

    Dufausset
    I shouted to myself: My word, Heaven is pointing the way. Let's go into the Sistine Chapel.

    Pascarel
    Just like that? Go on!

    Landeman
    Do you deny the vocation?

    Dufausset
    Ah, I don't regret it.

    Pascarel
    Never?

    Dufausset
    Never! I can say that I found there one of the greatest shocks in my life.

    Landeman
    I believe you.

    Dufausset (to Landeman)
    No sooner had I entered, sir, than I felt myself drawn to all those singers with heavenly voices—unearthly. (to Pascarel) I was no longer a man, sir. I was—ah, I can't say what I was.

    Pascarel
    Don't try. (aside) Poor boy!

    Dufausset (to Landeman)
    Believe me when I tell you that I wept at that moment like a calf.

    Landeman
    Doubtless the perspective of boiled beef.

    Dufausset
    It, it was ecstasy—to such a degree that I didn't even pay any attention to what was happening to me there.

    Pascarel
    How Spartan.

    Dufausset
    All the same, I will never forget it. (singing in a high pitched voice)
      O salutaris hostia—

    Pascarel
    That's all there is to it?

    Dufausset
    That gives you only a weak idea.

    Pascarel (taking him aside)
    Say! I thought you were paying court to Mrs. Landeman?

    Dufausset (horrified)
    I wasn't taken with the product.

    Landeman (taking him aside)
    Say, imagine, I was convinced you were cultivating Mrs. Pascarel?

    Dufausset
    Ah, so, they're passing information.

    Landeman and Pascarel (each shaking his hand)
    Oh, poor friend.

    Pascarel
    And now, I'll again write to the Opera. You will try to be brilliant. Anyway, it matters little to me now that I have the secret. Shall we try, Landeman?

    Landeman
    Let's try, Pascarel.

    (Pascarel and Landeman wave their handkerchiefs together.)

    Pascarel Landeman
    Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo, there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.

    Dufausset
    Huh—ah! Ah, no, thanks, not all the time. As for me, I've had enough.

    Pascarel
    You're right. It's better to save it for an important occasion. (aside) All the same, poor lad. (aloud) Landeman, let's go send our little—

    Landeman
    Let's go, Pascarel.

    (Landeman and Pascarel go out left.)

    Dufausset
    Oh, yes, I've had enough of it. I was caught yesterday. But I won't be caught again. (singing) Goodbye, remain chaste and pure. (speaking) It's true, I have a voice. And, to think, I've reached the age of twenty-four without knowing it. (singing) Goodbye, remain chaste and pure. (speaking) This morning at five o'clock as was agreed—after a quiet night—or almost because I had a nightmare. I dreamed of a hippopotamus. At five o'clock, I leapt out of bed and went to the greenhouse. I told myself she would come, I'd wait for her. Well, I waited and waited, until eight o'clock. I ask you—if she had no intention of coming, there was no need to tire her husband and the other one with shaking their handkerchiefs.

    Marthe (coming from the back)
    Ah, there you are, sir.

    Dufausset
    I was just about to say the same thing of you, madame.

    Marthe
    You think it's nice to keep women waiting?

    Dufausset
    Now, that's a bit much.

    Marthe
    An hour, sir. I waited an hour. Perhaps I would have waited longer without Sweetie Pie.

    Dufausset
    Sweetie Pie? Ah, yes, the fat one.

    Marthe
    Ah, yes. Sweetie Pie, who showed up as three struck in the greenhouse, under the pretext she had a toothache which prevented her from sleeping. So, to save appearances, I told her my neuralgia was bothering me, and we both strode up and down. Finally, she didn't seem to intend to go, and she advised me to go to bed—and I went to avoid arousing suspicions.

    Dufausset
    As to the others, madame, three hours for me. Three hours, I waited. That's not one hour.

    Marthe
    You waited for me? You?

    Dufausset
    Right.

    Marthe
    In the greenhouse?

    Dufausset
    Yes, in the greenhouse. I assume there's not more than one!

    Marthe
    Bordelais, get out!

    Dufausset
    Ah, why, I assure you, you plan to put all the wrongs on my side.

    Marthe
    It's you who want to claim the credit—

    Pascarel (coming in from the left)
    Well! Well! What's wrong with you?

    Marthe
    Nothing, we're having an argument.

    Dufausset
    You see, Madame accuses me—

    Marthe
    Ah, indeed, here, let's take Mr. Pascarel for judge. Here's the general situation. A lady gives a gentleman a rendezvous, right? Well, that gentleman thinks it's is good taste, after having solicited the aforesaid rendezvous, not to show up.

    Pascarel
    Well, that gentleman is a churl.

    Marthe
    There!

    Dufausset
    Ah, excuse me, yes. But, when it's the woman who—

    Pascarel
    Never mind! The man is always wrong. So, supposing my wife—I can say this to you because you're of no consequence—supposing my wife gave you a rendezvous, you don't go, you're a churl. As for me, the husband, I feel grateful to you, but you are a churl all the same. Ah, then, by the way, what were you talking about?

    Marthe
    Why, on the subject of a lady Mr. Dufausset knew quite well and who had a weakness—

    Pascarel
    Ah, a lady, a married woman. Ah, that's really funny. And the name of the husband?

    Marthe
    Ah, that—no, no—I can't tell you that.

    Pascarel
    I won't repeat it.

    Marthe (aside)
    I should think not—heavens! (moves away)

    Pascarel (aside)
    After all, I know who it is. Poor Landeman. Ah, these husbands, what characters, totally blind. (aloud) And this is your rendezvous. Ah, Lucky Amadine. I understand why you gave it up. (aside) In your condition.

    Marthe
    Go, you are condemned.

    (Pascarel and Marthe leave together.)

    Dufausset
    Ah, no—no. That's too much. I'm right, and I've been wronged. They want to put me down and make scenes. Ah, no!

    (Amadine comes in from the back, forcing Dufausset to pirouette around.)

    Amadine
    Ah, there you are, sir.

    Dufausset
    Ho! Good! The other one now.

    Amadine
    You're a fine sort, you are.

    Dufausset
    What? What's wrong? (aside) You can never tell what she wants, this wacko here!

    Amadine
    What's wrong? What's wrong? (tapping his head) Ah, really, what have you got in there?

    Dufausset
    I could really ask her the same question, for heaven's sake.

    Amadine
    I'd like to believe the clock was off the correct time.

    Dufausset (between his teeth)
    The most off of the two is not the one you think.

    Amadine
    What's a clock do when it strikes three o'clock.

    Dufausset
    It goes ding, ding, ding. (aside) I tell you, they ought to lock her up. (aloud) No, why, as if I were to take a course in clock-making, you know.

    (Dufausset moves away. Amadine grabs him by the arm and yanks him back.)

    Amadine
    What were you doing, sir, tonight at three o'clock?

    Dufausset
    At three o'clock? What was I doing at three o'clock? I was sleeping.

    Amadine
    You were sleeping? He dared to sleep at three o'clock.

    Dufausset
    I should say it's the proper time—I was even dreaming.

    Amadine
    Enough! Don't dare to try to make me believe you were dreaming of me.

    Dufausset
    No. I dreamt of a hippopotamus. There's a shade of difference.

    Amadine
    Ah, so, not even! You weren't even dreaming of me. Well, while you prefer hippopotamuses, I was waiting up for you, I was.

    Dufausset
    Yes, that's what they just told me. A violent toothache.

    Amadine
    Ah! Bah! Pretext. I was sitting up for you, I tell you. What response have you to that?

    Dufausset
    Christ! It's not my fault. (aside) What a grump she is when she hasn't slept

    Amadine
    Yes, sir, it is your fault, and I paced back and forth like a goose! (moves away from him)

    Dufausset
    Ah, excuse me.

    Amadine
    Yes, sir, like a goose! Don't contradict me. It's not polite.

    Dufausset
    Ah, if you like, a goose.

    Amadine
    Good, insult me! Now, the insult after the scorn.

    (Amadine sits down near the desk.)

    Dufausset
    Why, in the end she bores me.

    Amadine (bursting out)
    Ah, Dufausset, Dufausset, you've already had enough of me. You scorn me.

    Dufausset
    Why, no. No, indeed, not at all. (aside) What a warming pan [bore]. (aloud) Look, you didn't get any sleep. Well, I know that's very boring.

    Amadine
    Alas!

    Dufausset
    But, it won't be a problem. I know. It happened to me, too.

    Amadine (with a ray of joy, rising)
    Really! Dufausset, it happened to you, too? (aside) Ah, he still loves me.

    Dufausset
    Why, yes. One is restless, one turns from side to side.

    Amadine
    Yes, yes.

    Dufausset
    It's too hot. One's skin burns. One turns one's pillow, and then, one ends by getting up.

    Amadine
    That's it, exactly.

    Dufausset
    Well, I know what it is. It's the coffee. You mustn't take coffee at night.

    Amadine
    Coffee! Oh! Infamy!

    Dufausset
    It had the same effect on my landlady in Bordeaux.

    Amadine
    Oh, heavens! I hate you.

    (Amadine leaves by the rear.)

    Dufausset
    Ah, you, huh? (aside) What's wrong with her? Ah, no, she isn't wicked, but her head's got a screw loose.

    Marthe (coming from the left)
    You're still here, sir?

    Dufausset
    Ah, madame, let's have an explanation.

    Marthe
    It's unnecessary. Mr. Pascarel, who is not interested in the matter, has already told you what you are.

    Dufausset
    But, I assure you that I have nothing to reproach myself with. I arrived in the greenhouse precisely at five o'clock and you weren't there.

    Marthe
    Nothing surprising in that! Three hours late! If that is what you call being on time. Why did you come at five when I gave you a rendezvous at two?

    Dufausset
    Excuse me? No, excuse, me, at five.

    Marthe
    At two. Look, you know quite well it was two.

    Dufausset
    Ah, no, indeed, at five! I know that quite well, too. I counted the marks.

    Marthe
    Then, it's because you don't know how to count.

    Dufausset
    Or that you don't know how to mark.

    Marthe
    I only made two strokes.

    Dufausset
    Two on one, yes, and three on the other which made five.

    Marthe
    On what other?

    Dufausset
    Three on Landeman and two on Pascarel.

    Marthe
    Excuse me, I didn't mark Landeman.

    Dufausset
    He didn't get all those strokes by himself.

    Marthe
    He must have rubbed some white stuff on himself somehow, against a wall.

    Dufausset
    A wall which marks very carefully.

    Marthe
    What do you want me to tell you? I only put two lines.

    Dufausset
    Really?

    Marthe
    Word of honor.

    Dufausset
    Then, I remain slow-witted. Let's cry out on the prodigy and receive my apologies.

    Marthe
    I accept them.

    Dufausset
    And I, who was blaming you.

    Marthe
    And as for me, perhaps you thought I'd missed it.

    Dufausset
    Ah, Amadine, my Amadine.

    Marthe (flouncing away)
    He calls me Amadine.

    Dufausset
    Yes, Amadine, my Amadine.

    Marthe
    Again! Why, don't you see you are putting your foot in it?

    Dufausset
    I'm putting my foot in it? Me? Why so?

    Marthe
    Yes, why? Why do you call me Amadine?

    Dufausset
    Why, because that name is sweet to me. Because I love it, my Amadine.

    Marthe
    He admits—he admits it. And, it's to me he's just said it.

    Dufausset
    Damn! To whom should I say it?

    Marthe
    Ah, go away from me. This is infamous. Leave!

    Dufausset
    Leave? Me? When I want to spend my life at your feet? Here I am on my knees. (drops to his knees)

    (Pascarel comes in from the left and stops, glued to the spot.)

    Pascarel
    Ah!

    Marthe
    My husband! Why, get up!

    Dufausset (indifferent, seeing Pascarel)
    Ah, that doesn't signify. He knows, he knows.

    Marthe
    Huh?

    Landeman (coming in)
    Huh! Dufausset, at Mrs. Pascarel's feet. Why, he doesn't see Pascarel. (flustered, to Dufausset while trying to shield him from Pascarel) Idiot, get up.

    Dufausset (rising)
    The husband—caught.

    Landeman
    Indeed, yes, the husband. You are mad. Don't you see that Pascarel can see you?

    Dufausset
    Ah, it's not because Pascarel can see me that—

    Landeman (to Pascarel)
    You mustn't believe what you've seen, you know. It's the air. (aside) Oh, the reckless young man!

    Pascarel (bursting into laughter)
    Oh, leave it alone. It's really good, the escapee from The Chapel. (going to Dufausset) Hey, little humbug.

    (Pascarel taps Dufausset and moves away. Marthe also moves away.)

    Landeman
    Ah, fine. It's a nice arrangement.

    Marthe (to Pascarel)
    Ah, my friend, you're not going to imagine—

    Pascarel
    Why, since I'm laughing over it—

    Dufausset (to Landeman)
    At least you don't believe all that—that I love your wife, you know.

    Landeman
    Heavens, go on!

    Dufausset
    I admit that appearances are against me. But, to save the situation, it's his wife I love.

    Landeman
    Ah, but, you know, there's no need to tell me that. The thing's obvious.

    Dufausset
    And, if you saw me at madame's knees, it's to distract Pascarel's suspicions.

    Landeman
    Funny way of accomplishing it, for goodness' sake.

    Marthe (to Pascarel)
    Well, do you want to know, your calm wounds me more than your anger.

    Pascarel
    I tell you, I am calm because I know he's not dangerous.

    Amadine (coming in from the rear and going to her husband)
    Ah, no, no! I won't swallow any coffee.

    Dufausset (aside)
    She! Its heaven that sent her. (going to Pascarel) You know, I told you in advance, your wife, I don't care a rap for her.

    Pascarel
    Huh?

    Dufausset
    Only, I ask your pardon for what I'm going to do. It's to save appearances. (jumping on Amadine's neck) Ah, Marthe, Marthe, I love you.

    Amadine
    Ah! My God!

    Landeman
    Huh! My wife!

    Amadine
    You are mad. My husband—

    Dufausset
    Don't be afraid. I told him in advance.

    Landeman
    Sir, why, you're losing your head.

    Dufausset
    I told you already, I told him. (to Amadine) Ah, Marthe, you are beautiful.

    Amadine
    Marthe! He calls me Marthe. My name is Amadine, sir. (flounces off)

    Dufausset
    Huh! What do you mean, Amadine? Amadine—is madame?

    Marthe (disdainfully flouncing away)
    My name is Marthe, sir. Marthe Pascarel.

    Dufausset
    Huh! Marthe Pasca—Marthe Pascarel, that's you? And, Amadine—is— whereas—ah, what a mess.

    Marthe and Amadine (with scorn)
    Phooey!

    (Marthe and Amadine flounce out, to the right and the left. Landeman and Pascarel burst into laughter at the piteous face of Dufausset.)

    Landeman and Pascarel
    Ha, ha, ha, ha.

    Dufausset
    Ah, gentlemen, I assure you, believe that—

    Pascarel (pointing to the door Marthe left by)
    Ah, why continue, my dear friend? It's all the same to me about you.

    Landeman (following Pascarel, laughing)
    Go on, go on. We are not jealous!

    (Landeman and Pascarel go out left.)

    Dufausset
    There's nothing to say. They're mocking me. (sitting down) I don't get it. So many switches in two days. First, they present me a fat Marthe and an exquisite Amadine—and the exquisite Amadine becomes the exquisite Marthe. The wife of Pascarel becomes the wife of the other guy, while the wife of the other guy becomes—this is too difficult to comprehend. (rising) They must themselves be deceived. It's impossible! Or rather, it's a shell game. But, there, I don't know—to whom did I pay court? Which husband was I on the point of deceiving? Who is the ninny to watch out for? Yet, what kind of husbands are these? Ah, perhaps it's a community of wives—free exchange in marriage. Ah, well, there's progress.

    Lambert (at the rear)
    Hello, Mr. Dufausset.

    Dufausset
    There, hello, it's you. I thank you. Things aren't going so badly.

    Lambert
    Ah, so much the better. Are you well?

    Dufausset
    Why, I just told you.

    Lambert
    It's true. You just told me, but I didn't ask you.

    Dufausset
    Right. It's amazing how stupid you seem when someone doesn't ask you how you are and you reply. Thanks, not bad, and you?

    Lambert
    Happily, that happens all the time. You haven't seen Mr. Pascarel?

    Dufausset
    He left me just now. (singing) Ha, ha, ha, ha.

    Lambert
    You are ill? Would you like some gum?

    Dufausset
    Thanks, I'm practicing my voice.

    Pascarel (coming in from the left)
    They told us you were here, my dear Lambert. I've come hastily to shake your hand and bring you your fiancée, even though I'm writing an important letter. Is your mother well, your sister?

    Lambert
    I don't have one.

    Pascarel
    In that case, so much the better.

    Julie (coming in from the left)
    Hello, Mr. Lambert.

    Lambert (going to Julie)
    I am going to say that to you, Miss.

    Julie (twisting her tongue)
    Are you well?

    Lambert (monkeying her)
    Why, one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Very well.

    Pascarel
    Come on, kids, I'm leaving you. (to Dufausset) My dear boy, make yourself useful. In your situation one can ask that of you. These two are fiancés. They need to be left to their getting acquainted. But, at the same time, it is customary not to abandon them completely to themselves. That's custom, that's etiquette. You are going to watch over them, for the form, taking care not to disturb them, by striding up and down here, without meddling in the conversation, so as not to disturb their privacy.

    Dufausset
    Come, here I am good for children, as well as adults.

    (Pascarel goes out by the back. Dufausset marches back and forth like a sentry.)

    Julie
    Well, nothing new?

    Lambert
    Nothing. I'm waiting to find the best way to tackle it. Until then, we will continue to dissimulate.

    Julie
    As for me, I don't dare tell daddy. I prefer that it come from your side.

    Lambert
    That's like me with my mother. I'd prefer it came from you.

    Dufausset
    I must seem like a tough character

    Julie
    It's evident you don't have what it takes to be my husband.

    (Dufausset tosses off some tunes from time to time.)

    Lambert
    I'm like you. I recognize you are very nice, but you're not my type at all.

    Julie
    First of all, your nose is too long.

    Lambert
    As for me, I don't like blondes.

    Dufausset
    They're getting to know each other all the same.

    Julie
    And then, I don't like painters. You can't touch them without getting covered with paint.

    Lambert
    Well, as for me, being a painter, I only like fast women, because with them you can be sure of finding paint.

    Julie (flouncing at first)
    Oh, oh, you said hookers.

    Lambert
    Pardon me, I should have twisted my tongue.

    Julie
    Oh, no, it's all right with me. I'm not supposed to know what that means.

    Dufausset (tuning up)
    Ah, do, re, me—

    Lambert
    Say, tell me, why's that fellow prancing up and down like that? He's not making you feel sick is he?

    Julie
    Oh, poor boy. It's because he's jealous. He thinks I have to marry you, and he loves me. He does. He let me infer everything.

    Lambert
    Come on, well, and you?

    Julie
    He, gosh—he doesn't displease me.

    Lambert
    Then, let him infer everything, too.

    Julie
    What, in front of you?

    Lambert
    Oh, as for me, I could care less. I won't listen.

    Julie
    After all, it's only to reassure him. One has not the right to let him suffer to such a degree when we can ease his pain. (to Dufausset) Psst!

    Dufausset (stopping)
    Pardon? Was that for me?

    Lambert
    Yes, come on, come on.

    (Dufausset goes to Julie while Lambert takes up Dufausset's patrol.)

    Dufausset
    You are calling me, miss?

    Julie
    Yes. I wanted to reassure you. You are on pins and needles. Well, calm down, sir. Mr. Lambert, that everyone thinks is my fiancé, will never be my husband.

    Dufausset
    What's that?

    Lambert (marching by, without stopping)
    No, never, never!

    Dufausset
    But, why are you telling me this?

    Julie
    Why, because, because after your confession, I don't have the right to amuse myself in such a cruel way which must make you suffer so.

    Dufausset
    Huh?

    Julie
    I'm no coquette—and I think it's wrong when you know someone has—has sympathy for you—to take pleasure in showering him with pretended disdain and needless trials which are only intended to torment him.

    Dufausset
    Heavens! Heavens! Heavens!

    Julie
    Then, I really noticed how much you were in anger. You've been stamping around for the last five minutes. I'm perhaps wrong to speak to you this way. Mrs. Landeman always told me: “In love you must let it come.” But in short, you were the one who took the first steps—and I can go ahead a little now in my turn.

    Dufausset (aside)
    Why, she's charming—and here I was, not paying attention. (aloud) Is it possible, miss, that you are speaking to me in this way?

    Lambert (humming)
    Ah, the boots, the boots, the boots, he's got the boots—

    Dufausset
    And to admit, miss, to being so blind as to come into this house and not fall immediately in love with your charms.

    Julie
    Yes, but, that wasn't your case—

    Dufausset
    Me!

    Julie (to Lambert)
    It's rather you who should be saying that! Gothcha!

    Lambert
    No personalities, if you please.

    Julie (to Dufausset)
    Oh, no, that's not your situation, for you really saw everything right away. Just as you confessed your feelings to me.

    Dufausset
    Me? I did—when?

    Julie
    Ah, he doesn't remember any more. Why, here! When you were enraged against father—you said: “Ah, I'd be the biggest fool going if I weren't kept here by the charms of a young person.” So, I understood. Did you say it, yes or no?

    Dufausset
    Yes, yes, but, I really think that I said it—and I am not unsaying it. I repeat, I love you.

    Julie
    Will you want me to say that to you? But, really.

    Dufausset
    She's delicious. (falling to his knees) Ah, Julie.

    Pascarel (coming from the rear)
    Goodness! There you are again on the ground. He was made to be a cripple.

    Dufausset
    Ah, sir—love.

    Pascarel
    No, don't remain at my feet.

    Dufausset
    No. I was saying: “Love is an immediate feeling.” An instant sufficed to render me madly taken with Miss Julie.

    Pascarel
    Huh! What's he saying to me now? What, it's he who? (to Lambert who is still marching up and down) Well, and you—what the devil are you doing?

    Lambert (without interrupting his patrol)
    You see, I relieved the watch. (keeps marching)

    Pascarel
    Ah, indeed. You have a fine way of paying court.

    Dufausset
    Ah, sir, you're my father's friend, you won't reject me. I have the honor of asking for the hand of your daughter.

    Pascarel
    Huh! What—you? (huffing) Come on, look, don't talk silly nonsense.

    Dufausset
    Why's that?

    Julie
    Oh, daddy, be nice. After all, you want me to marry. I understand. That's for your sake, but in marrying me, you give me a husband, that's for my sake. Well, let me pick him.

    Pascarel (laughing)
    No, no, Julie. I can't tell you, but—Ah, this is very rich. (going to Dufausset) Sistine Chapel, go on!

    Dufausset
    What's making him laugh like that?

    Landeman (at the back)
    Pascarel, ah, there you are. Here, read this!

    Pascarel (laughing)
    A newspaper. Ah, fine, later. Imagine, no, you'll never guess. Dufausset is asking me for Julie's hand.

    Landeman
    Really! Him? That's so rich. (to Lambert as he march back and forth) Ah, that's really rich.

    Lambert (chiming in)
    It must be rich—it must be really rich.

    Julie
    Ah, decidedly, father doesn't like him.

    Lambert (sobering up)
    And no, enough laughing like that. Read me this.

    (Lambert and Julie stand aside.)

    Pascarel (still laughing)
    What is this? What? “The engagement is announced.” Ah, this is too much. (to Dufausset) Read that.

    (Pascarel hands the paper to Dufausset.)

    Dufausset (reading)
    “The engagement is announced of the famous tenor Duyeton by the Paris Opera at a salary of six thousand francs a month.” Well, I'm screwed.

    Pascarel
    Ah, you're screwed! That's good. You owe me forty thousand francs.

    Dufausset
    Me?

    Pascarel
    The penalty.

    Dufausset
    The penalty? What penalty? Why, I am not leaving you.

    Pascarel
    You cannot remain with me and be at the Opera at the same time.

    Dufausset
    But, I'm not going to the Opera. I am not Duyeton.

    Landeman
    Huh?

    Pascarel
    What do you mean you're not—? Then, what are you doing here? Sponging?

    Dufausset
    Ah, sir!

    Pascarel
    Why, didn't you tell me your name was Dufausset?

    Dufausset
    Yes, Dufausset, not Duyeton.

    Pascarel
    Duyeton's the stage name. Didn't you explain to me that you were the natural son of Dufausset?

    Dufausset
    Me, the natural son? Well, say, where'd you get that notion?

    Pascarel
    Well, it was you. And then, Dufausset has only one son.

    Dufausset
    Well, I didn't say I had a brother. That son is me!

    Pascarel
    What? You're the kid who, when he was thirteen, was only this high? Why, then, say, aren't you a tenor?

    Dufausset
    As for me, I don't know how to sing.

    Pascarel
    And you engineered this! Ah, that's too much. What—I asked Dufausset to hire a tenor for me and he substituted his son.

    Dufausset
    My father sent me to Paris to study law, but he didn't mention being a tenor. All he did was recommend me to you. I have the letter in my trunk. You right away offered me an extraordinary pension. I accepted because I am informal.

    Pascarel
    Well, and my telegram?

    Dufausset
    As far as I know my father never got one.

    Pascarel
    Tiburce!

    Tiburce (entering from the rear)
    Sir!

    Pascarel
    The telegram I gave you the other day?

    Tiburce
    Oh, I have it here, sir.

    Pascarel
    Not yet sent? How poorly they manage the administration.

    Tiburce
    You want it, sir?

    Pascarel
    Eh, no, tear it up, idiot.

    Tiburce
    You are rather hard on the telegram.

    Dufausset
    Not surprising that my father didn't receive it. And now, I again ask you for the hand of your daughter.

    Pascarel
    Ah, as to that, no—for goodness' sake.

    Dufausset
    What fault have you to find with me?

    Pascarel
    What—after you sang at the Sistine Chapel?

    Dufausset
    Who? Me?

    Landeman (coming back)
    That's what you said.

    Dufausset
    I said I was there, not that I sang there. Ah, you are funny, you are.

    Marthe (coming in from the right)
    What's happening now? Why, this—

    Dufausset
    Ah, madame, intercede for me with Mr. Pascarel, so he'll grant me Miss Julie's hand.

    Amadine (coming in from the left)
    Huh?

    Marthe
    Ah, excuse me, I am opposed—

    Dufausset (low to Marthe)
    Oh, madame, you are going to flatter me by making me think you're jealous.

    Marthe
    Me, jealous? You are really dumb. (to Pascarel) After all, she's your daughter, Mr. Pascarel.

    Pascarel
    But, allow me—my daughter is promised to Mr. Lambert.

    Lambert
    My God, Mr. Pascarel, I am very honored, but Julie loves this gentleman—and you mustn't contradict feelings. I ask for the hand of your second daughter.

    Pascarel
    I don't have one.

    Lambert
    I'm in no hurry.

    Pascarel
    Come, Dufausset, I don't say no. I will consider.

    Amadine
    And to think, I have no say on the subject—the rascal.

    Pascarel
    Ah, why, indeed. You owe me an explanation, I caught you at my wife's feet.

    Dufausset
    Hush! Yes, it was to play a practical joke on Mr. Landeman. I had a whim for his wife.

    Landeman (low to Dufausset)
    Say, old boy, why did you allow yourself to kiss my wife? I haven't said anything because I thought—

    Dufausset
    Shh! It was to divert Pascarel's suspicions.

    Landeman
    Really? In that case, everything's okay.

    Pascarel
    Come, everything is for the best. All the same, I haven't had any luck with my tenor—still it would serve me as a lesson. Look, my friends, when you buy turnips or you engage a tenor—always ask to see the merchandise first. You never know when you're going to get a pig in a poke.


    CURTAIN