EText by Dagny
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Translated and Adapted by
Frank J. Morlock
C 1999
CHARACTERS:
Pascarel
Dufausset
Dr. Landeman
Lambert de Vaux (Lanoix de Vaux in the original)
Tiburce, Pascarel's servant
Marthe, Pascarel's wife
Amadine, Dr. Landeman's wife
Julie A maid, with no lines
A dining room in the Park of Princes. An open doorway in the back giving on the garden. An armchair on each side of the door. Doors to the right and left. Next to the door on the right a chair against the wall. On the right, also against the wall, a piano. To the left a desk. In the rear a buffet. In the middle of the stage a table set with five chairs around it.
All are seated at the table. Pascarel faces the audience. Julie is on his right, Amadine on his left, Landeman is next to Julie, Marthe beside Amadine. Pascarel wears the button and ribbon of an officer of the Academy. Tiburce and the maid are serving.
Pascarel
The duck is excellent.
Marthe
It's Dr. Landeman's recipe.
Landeman
Eh, it's duck a la Rouen! The whole mystery is in the manner of
killing it. It's very simple—a means of strangulation preventing the
air from entering the thorax, the blood is incompletely released which
leads to hemorrhaging into the cellular tissues which separates the
muscles—and consequently—
Pascarel
Yes, finally, you twist its neck. These doctors cannot talk like
other people. Well, it's excellent.
Landeman
Consequently, this duck is so tender—
Pascarel
Ah, it's my wife herself who bought it—
Marthe
Yes, just imagine, I had even forgotten my purse. And I had taken
the subway. Happily there was a young man there that gallantly loaned
me the money. I really ought to be very nice to him.
Amadine
There are always men for good opportunities.
Pascarel
Yes, only there are not always good opportunities for all men. (to
Tiburce) Bring the champagne.
(The maid takes away the wine glasses while Tiburce goes to get the champagne from the buffet.)
Amadine
Oh, I adore it. But, my husband, the doctor, forbids me. He says it
excites me too much. He only allows it to me for my baths.
Tiburce (aside)
Ah, poor cat.
Pascarel
Come, take your glasses—and you know—it's from—I can only say it
comes to me from Troyes—a town as celebrated for its champagne as for
the horse of its name.
Julie
But no, daddy, the horse and the champagne are not connected at
all. It's not even written the same.
Pascarel
Excuse me, did I say the horse and the champagne were spelled the
same way?
Julie
I tell you no! There's Troy and Troyes—which are two—
Landeman
Allow me, in French—trois et trois are six.
Pascarel
Ah, very clever! Gentlemen, ladies, I request the floor.
(Pascarel rises.)
Amadine
Let Mr. Pascarel speak.
Marthe
Speak! My husband was created to be an orator.
Pascarel
Ladies, gentlemen, one cannot deny—
Marthe
Ah, oh, speaking of boxes, my dear Amadine, I found your work box—
Amadine
My box! Oh, how I was looking for it.
Pascarel
Gentlemen, ladies—
All
Hush!
Pascarel
Are you really going to let me speak?
Marthe
Go ahead, dearie. (to Amadine) You must remind me to return it to
you tomorrow.
Pascarel
Ladies and gentlemen, and especially you, my daughter, I've
arranged a surprise for you. (to Tiburce) Bring us the finger bowl.
Marthe
That's your surprise?
Pascarel
No, that's only an interruption. I want to accustom myself, just in
case I'm deputized to—(to Tiburce) Well, didn't you hear? I asked you
to bring me the finger bowl.
Tiburce
Right! I'm going to fetch it.
Pascarel
First of all, say “bring.” One doesn't say “fetch.”
Tiburce
Ah! I thought I was doing you a favor, sir. Like you just said.
Oh— masters. (goes out)
All
The surprise! The surprise!
Pascarel
Right! I will be short. Julie, you've glorified your family by
writing an opera. You've recreated Faust after Gounod. Gounod was born
before you, it was natural enough he was ahead of you. Your Faust, I've
determined to have performed at the Opera. I'm rich through the
manufacture of sugar, through the exploitation of diabetics, so all
that remains is to add a little luster to my name. Well, this luster,
you'll provide it. You are my masterpiece; this opera is your
masterpiece. Therefore, the masterpieces of our masterpieces are our
masterpieces. Consequently, Faust is my masterpiece. I've spoken.
All
Bravo! Bravo!
Landeman
But, you haven't told us how you're going to have it produced?
Pascarel
Wait a bit! The other day, I heard the Opera planned to engage a
marvellous tenor—a voice, you know, like the one I feel within me, as
if it wanted to escape. This tenor sings in Bordeaux. His name is
Duyeton and he has an immense future. So what did I do? I telegraphed
my old friend Dufausset! “Never mind the cost, engage Duyeton for me.
Come directly.” You understand, once in possession of the tenor—I've
bound him to me—the Opera will be at my feet, and while I bestow my
tenor on the Opera, I also bestow my Faust on it, and that's how the
Pascarels will be known to posterity. Gentlemen, ladies, to your
health.
All
Hip, hip, hurrah!
Julie (rising)
Oh, daddy, how happy I am! (hugs him)
Pascarel
Watch my neck, you can hug me without strangling me. Here, embrace
your stepmother, too.
(Julie goes to embrace Marthe.)
Marthe (after kissing Julie)
First of all, don't always say your stepmother. That makes me old,
and makes me seem like a preserve.
Amadine
Hey, hey, preserves are often better than fresh fruit.
(They bring the finger bowl.)
Pascarel (aside)
She's preaching for herself, mamma Landeman.
Tiburce (entering)
Sir, there's a gentleman come from Bordeaux on behalf of Mr.
Dufausset.
Pascarel
From Dufausset. It's him! It's Duyeton. Oh, my friends—I beg you—
give him a welcome. Think—a tenor! He's accustomed to ovations.
Marthe, to the piano, your best piece. (Marthe goes to the piano)
Madame Landeman, and you Julie, tap on your glasses with your spoons.
Don't be afraid of making too much racket. You, Landeman, go stand on
your chair facing me, and with your napkin we'll form a triumphal arch.
Everybody understand? There, let's go to it! And you, Tiburce, bring
him in with great respect.
(Everybody takes their places. Pascarel and Landeman are standing on chairs. Tiburce introduces Dufausset, who is greeted with a formidable racket.)
Dufausset
A madhouse! I'm mistaken! (starts to leave)
Pascarel (getting down)
Hey, where are you going?
Dufausset
Don't disturb yourselves. (aside) Got to humor them. (aloud)
Continue.
Pascarel (aside)
Ah, he likes ovations. (aloud) Let's go, start over.
(The racket starts up again. Dufausset searches for a means of escape.)
Pascarel (grabbing him)
Don't run away. Is he a card!
Dufausset
I wasn't running away. (aside) There are too many of them.
Pascarel
And now, let's have a chat. First of all, let me present everybody.
Mr. and Mrs. Landeman, our intimate friends who share our house, my
wife, my daughter—
(Everybody bows and Dufausset returns the bows. Martha rises from the piano, recognizing Dufausset.)
Martha (going to Landeman)
Ah, the gentleman on the tramway who loaned me six sous.
Dufausset
The lady who forgot her purse. Is it possible? In a house of
wackos! Poor woman!
Pascarel
There, the presentations are made. Ah, I'm so happy to see you.
Dufausset is well?
Dufausset
Papa?
Pascarel
Papa! He said papa. Why does he say papa? No, I'm asking you about
Dufausset.
Dufausset (abruptly)
Dufausset? Ah, in that case—
Pascarel (starting)
What's the matter with him?
Dufausset
You are Mr. Pascarel?
Pascarel
Well, yes. (aside) Is he stupid? He worries me.
Dufausset
And here I was thinking I was in a madhouse.
Pascarel
Huh?
Dufausset
It's true! I found you all—on the chairs, on the table, or at the
piano. One would think you were playing pin the tail on the donkey to
music.
Landeman
We were giving you an entrance.
Amadine
You didn't like it?
Dufausset
Oh, it was to—what a funny way of receiving people.
Amadine
That young man is looking at me.
Dufausset
So, you are Mr. Pascarel! Delighted. Ah, by the way, I have a
letter for you. It's in my trunk.
Pascarel
From Dufausset? Ah, that dear friend. He's well?
Dufausset
Fine. He's fine, father.
Pascarel
Why is he calling me father? He must have been brought up by
Jesuits. (to the others) Well, how do you like my tenor?
Amadine
Majestic.
Landeman
He seems very healthy. I'll see to it he remains so.
(They exchange their impressions.)
Dufausset
Funny folks. Papa told me yesterday: “You're going to study in
Paris, but as I don't wish to leave you to yourself in that great city
full of wild pleasures and easy complications, I'm commending you to my
old friend Pascarel, requesting him to watch over you. Be nice to him,
and don't contradict him. You will see, he's a nice man. I think you'll
get along very well with him.”
Pascarel (returning to Dufausset)
Ah, you don't know how happy I am to see you. Say, have you had
lunch?
Dufausset
The fact is, that since noon—
Pascarel
Oh, I was sure of it. You wouldn't want a raw egg, a rare cutlet?
Dufausset
No, thanks. I like other things better.
(Pascarel goes back to Landeman.)
Dufausset (low)
What funny dishes they have in Paris.
Marthe (coming up)
It's good for the voice.
Dufausset
Ah, it's not just that, you know. As for me, I don't make much fuss
over my voice.
Amadine (coming up)
Not everyone is like you!
Dufausset
I don't doubt it, madame. (aside) She must be a singer?
Amadine (low)
He's a bit stupid.
(Amadine goes back. Pascarel comes forward as Dufausset retires.)
Pascarel
Anyway, they'll give you something for him.
Marthe
I'm going to see about it.
Dufausset
Ah, madame, I am confused.
Marthe
Sir!
(Marthe goes out by the right.)
Dufausset
She blushed! She recognized me! She's exquisite. But, who is she?
Pascarel's wife, or the other fellow's? They introduced everyone by the
dozen.
Pascarel
And now, if you'd come to the table, for we haven't completely
finished.
Dufausset
Really? Oh, in that case, I don't want to disturb you. Put me
wherever you like.
(Everyone sits down. Dufausset between Pascarel and Amadine, on a chair brought by the maid.)
Pascarel
Ah, fine. If you please. (to Tiburce) Tiburce, serve a finger bowl
to the gentleman. (to Dufausset) That way you won't be forced to take
one at the end of the meal.
Dufausset (with the finger bowl)
To your health, ladies and gentlemen.
Landeman
Eh! Look, wait a minute, that's not for toasts.
Marthe (coming in from the right)
There! I've given instructions. They're going to serve you
something. (to Amadine) Meanwhile, here's the basket.
(Martha places the basket on the piano and takes her place at the table.)
Pascarel (to Dufausset as Tiburce offers him a plate)
You know, you must stay with us. The Prince's Park is very healthy
for the voice. So, you cannot refuse. You'll be next to my room, with a
view of the garden. There's a piano.
(Meanwhile Julie rises and prepares the coffee.)
Dufausset
Oh, as to that—
Pascarel
I warn you, there's a line—
Dufausset
So much the worse. That doesn't ruin the place. Anyway, I can hang
my wash on it.
(They rise. The servants clear the table.)
Julie (offering a cup to Dufausset)
Sir, a little coffee?
Dufausset
Very gladly.
Pascarel
No, that's a stimulant. Make him an egg nog.
Dufausset
But, I detest it.
Landeman
That doesn't signify. It softens the throat.
Dufausset
But, I don't need to soften my throat.
Amadine
Ah, here, you must obey.
Dufausset
Gracious, they're putting me on a diet.
Julie
I'll go order it.
Pascarel
That's right. Take care of your future interpreter—for she's the
one, she's the young girl who created the opera.
Dufausset
Ah! (bowing) Miss Garnier.
Pascarel
But, Dufausset must have spoken to you about it.
Dufausset
Uh! Vaguely. In any case, he wasn't clear.
Pascarel
Well, then—it's she!
Dufausset
Ah, I'm very satisfied with it. Beautiful monument.
Pascarel (low to Julie)
Did you hear? He said: “I'm very satisfied with it.”
Julie
Yes. Oh, he's a charming young man. Much more so than my fiancé.
(aloud) I'll put a lot of orange flavoring in it.
Marthe
A little liqueur, sir?
Dufausset
Oh, madame, from your white hand. (aside) She's delicious. (aloud)
What's this? (reading the label) Heunryudijonos—no thanks!
Pascarel
Don't worry, it's an old bottle.
Dufausset
Right!
(The maid comes in to rearrange the table and chairs.)
Pascarel
And no, my friends, I'm not turning you out, but, we have to talk
together—this gentleman and I.
Landeman
That will suit perfectly; I have some work to do presently. Come
ladies. Until later.
(All leave except Pascarel and Dufausset.)
Pascarel
And now, let's talk seriously. I'm going right to the point. Here's
what I propose to you: I won't be stingy about it! Do you want three
thousand francs a month?
Dufausset
Me, do I? Yeah!
Pascarel
Three thousand francs a month, room and board. Isn't that enough
for you?
Dufausset
What's this all about? Are you joking?
Pascarel
Joking! Not at all. I think—(aside) Damn! How demanding these
tenors are. (aloud) Isn't that what they were giving you at Bordeaux?
Dufausset
My father—
Pascarel (aside)
He keeps calling me his father. (aloud) I was asking you what they
gave you?
Dufausset
One hundred francs!
Pascarel
Well, that comes to three thousand.
Dufausset
How can that be?
Pascarel
Well, thirty days a month, one hundred times thirty—three
thousand.
Dufausset
Anyway, that's fine. I won't haggle.
Pascarel
Let's say three thousand five hundred. Will you take three thousand
five hundred?
Dufausset
Well, I accept! (aside) He's astonishing. Ah, papa told me, after
all, he was a charming man, but I didn't know to what degree!
Pascarel
Do you accept?
Dufausset
Yes, I accept, for heaven's sake.
Pascarel
Yes? Well then, it's a bargain. We'll sign our treaty—in proper
form —because that way each of us will know his rights—and you know
rights are above all.
Dufausset
Oh, then, it's you who will make me pass my exams.
Pascarel
I don't know theatre slang. First of all, we will stipulate a heavy
forfeiture. Forty thousand francs if you walk out on me.
Dufausset
Don't worry. I won't walk out on you. And what must I do for this?
Pascarel
Sing, when and where it seems good to me.
Dufausset
Sing! That's a funny idea.
Pascarel
You're being paid for that.
Dufausset
Say, do you want to play a trick on someone?
Pascarel
Yes, at the Opera.
Dufausset
By making me sing?
Pascarel
No! That is to say—(aside) No need for him to know. He'll sell
himself to the highest bidder. (aloud) Anyway, my ideas aren't
important. Do you accept?
Dufausset
At that price, I think so, indeed. If I had expected this, for
heaven's sake! When I think that at Bordeaux where I sang they'd say:
“Can it! You're going to make it rain!”
Pascarel
Well, you're going to sign this little engagement I've drawn up.
It's for ten years. (Dufausset, stunned, sits down beside Pascarel) It
doesn't matter to me, since I will make it up from the Opera. There,
that's done. Between Mr. Etienne Pascarel and Duyeton.
Dufausset
Why, Duyeton?
Pascarel
Isn't that your name?
Dufausset
Duyeton! That's a stage name.
Pascarel
Ah, that's your—Then, what is your name?
Dufausset
Same as my father's.
Pascarel
I imagine so, still—
Dufausset
Dufausset, of course!
Pascarel (jumping up and overturning his chair)
Dufausset! No need to go into further explanations. I understand.
Dufausset is your father.
Dufausset
Yes, indeed! That's what I told you. (aside) What's gotten into
him?
Pascarel (to the audience)
Dufausset's his father. He has a son and he's married with
children. Oh, what a shame! He never told me. This is the child of his
sin.
Dufausset
My father told me: “Go find Pascarel.”
Pascarel
He's really your father? He lets you call him father?
Dufausset
Why not?
Pascarel
Hell! And what does his wife say?
Dufausset
Mother? (aside) God, is he stupid.
Pascarel
She allows you to call her mother? (aside) Poor woman! She martyrs
herself. She legitimates—this is heroism!
Dufausset
It's no use for them to talk. They're a bit scatterbrained in the
family.
Pascarel
But, the son? What does the son say? To see you take a place in the
family that rightfully belongs to him?
Dufausset
What son?
Pascarel
Why, your father's son.
Dufausset
My father's son? Papa has a son?
Pascarel
Right. I met him thirteen years ago. He was twelve. He was much
smaller than you.
Dufausset
A son—but by whom?
Pascarel
By his wife, for heaven's sake! You never saw him?
Dufausset
Never.
Pascarel
Could he be dead?
Dufausset
Ah, that's too much! I'm going to write father.
Pascarel (stopping him)
No, don't do that, wretch! That's all we need—the revolt of the
bastards against legitimacy.
Dufausset (pounding the table)
My heart is determined to know.
Pascarel
Don't get excited, don't get excited. What's done is done. As for
me, I am unaware of everything. Here, let's not talk about them. Let's
sign the contract. (after a moment, Dufausset calms down and signs) Ah,
you sign Dufausset. Poor Dufausset. Beside it, put Duyeton—so it's
clear.
Dufausset
Is that it?
Pascarel
Right! Here's your copy and here's mine. And now, you are my
private tenor.
Dufausset
Well, I wish you pleasure.
Pascarel
Oh, as for me, I always love to encourage the arts.
Dufausset
My congratulations.
Pascarel
Ah, follow me. I'm going to install you in your room. By the way,
don't play the piano too much early, so as not to wake everybody.
Dufausset
Don't worry. I have respect—
Pascarel
For others.
Dufausset
For the piano.
Pascarel
You know, the ladies like to sleep.
Dufausset (aside)
The ladies. By God, she's one of them—but, which one is she?
Pascarel
Are you coming?
(Pascarel disappears out the door at the left for a moment.)
Dufausset
Here's her work basket. On my word, I'm going to write her a
letter. (pulling a page from his notebook and writing) “Since I brushed
up against you, I've loved you.” There, now—into the basket.
Pascarel (returning)
Ah, come on. What are you doing with Madame Landeman's basket?
Dufausset
Me, nothing? (aside) She's the other fellow's wife. No scruples
about that.
Pascarel
You are looking at her basket with the eyes of fried fish.
Dufausset
Mr. Pascarel, are you a man capable of keeping a secret?
Pascarel
Oh, when I am unable to do otherwise.
Dufausset
I think Madame Landeman is admirable!
Pascarel
You? Come on! It's not possible. You haven't really looked at her.
No chest, an incomplete—no, go on, go on. She's got no chest, my
friend.
Dufausset
Whatever you like, I've got a letter for her.
Pascarel
Well, for the novelty, I suppose. (aside) That's okay. I'll be on
guard. Landeman's a friend.
(Tiburce enters from the back.)
Tiburce (announcing)
Mr. Lambert de Vaux.
Lambert
Ah, dear father-in-law—
Pascarel (presenting)
Mr. Lambert de Vaux, my future son-in-law, Mr. Dufausset, a Dupez
of the future.
Lambert
Ah, you're a painter?
Dufausset
Me?
Pascarel
No, indeed. He's occupied as a singer.
Lambert
Landscape painting, then?
Pascarel
Why, no. (confidentially to Dufausset) My son-in-law is dumb.
(aloud) We are going to send you your fiancée.
Lambert
Please do!
Pascarel
Are you coming, Dufausset?
(Pascarel and Dufausset go out to the left.)
Lambert (alone)
Mama told me to bring a bouquet to my fiancée. I bought one, but on
the way, I had a whim to see Camilia. She took my bouquet for herself.
Camilia's charming. And without silly manners. I don't have to say
fancy things to her. It's not like that here, where Mama has to tell me
what to say each time I speak. Anyway, what an idea to marry me.
Camilia thinks that's stupid, too. She said, looking at me, Am I
getting married? If I did agree to marry, it wouldn't be with you. Then
we read the cards. They said: “If Lambert de Vaux gets married, he'll
be miserable. If he stays with his Camilia, he will always be happy.”
And she only costs me twenty francs for the maid. You see, I can't go
against destiny.
(Lambert sits on the piano seat. Julie enters from the left.)
Julie (low)
Papa said: “Go find your fiancé.” He bores me, my fiancé. He
stutters and daddy said to count up to four between words.
Lambert (aside)
Little Miss Pascarel. Now, for the highfalutin talk. (aloud) Hello,
miss. How are you?
Julie
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Very well, thank you.
Lambert
Ah, what's the matter with her? I bought you a bouquet—only—I
noticed it was faded—so I threw it away.
Julie (aside)
How annoying he is with his stammering. (aloud) One, two, three,
four. One, two, three four. Sweet of you.
Lambert
That's what it is to be a musician. She counts the beat all the
time.
Julie
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. And your mother is
well?
Lambert (aside)
How exasperating she is. (after twisting his tongue) Very well. But
her poor sister is very ill. She's losing her best friend. She's
ashamed. She doesn't know which way to turn.
Julie
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Surely things will
get better. (aside) His tongue must be paralyzed.
(Julie sits by a table at the far left.)
Lambert (aside)
Can you see me spending my life gawking around this little ninny?
(sitting at the far right) After you've been with her for five minutes,
there's nothing more to say to her.
Julie (aside)
Lovely husband this dope would make. (aloud) One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four. You seem pensive?
Lambert (twisting his tongue)
It's in my nature. I have an observing spirit. I always have to
explain things. For instance, right now I am doing research,
conjugating—trying to explain a phenomenon you must have noticed as I
did, if you ever tried it.
Julie
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. What's that?
Lambert (twisting his tongue)
Why, bread dough, which is white turns black when you roll it
between your fingers!
Julie (aside)
What a simpleton, my betrothed! (aloud) One, two, three, four. One,
two, three, four. I never noticed that. (aside) And they insist I marry
him. Never! (rising)
Lambert (also rising, aside)
I'd rather become a monk than take this woman for my wife.
Together
Julie Lambert Sir! Miss!
Lambert
You were going to say?
Julie
No, you speak.
Lambert
After you.
Julie
Hush! Madame Landeman. Later!
Lambert (aside
Ah, Sweetie Pie! (aloud) Hello, madame.
Amadine (coming from the left)
Don't mind me. Don't pay any attention. (aside) Mr. Pascarel asked
me to take a peek for propriety, but without disturbing them, and
seeming not to be doing so. Marthe will come later.
(Julie sits by the desk. Lambert takes the seat vacated by Julie.)
Lambert (twisting his tongue)
You wouldn't believe it, miss, from this heat, I soaked four
flannel vests in one day.
Amadine (fumbling in her basket)
Ah, my God.
Julie
What?
Amadine
Nothing. (reading to herself) “Since I brushed up against you, I've
loved you.” It's him—it's the tenor. Ah, God, the wild man. He's
writing to me. I saw the way he was looking at me. Since I brushed up
against you—where did he brush against me? God! He must be the
stranger that I crossed in front of one stormy day near the Vendome
Column. It was so dark, I couldn't see him, but I heard his voice. Poor
young man. Will I be pitiless? We'll have to see. (going out towards
the back)
Lambert (bowing)
Madame.
Amadine
Don't disturb yourselves, children. (leaves)
Lambert (to Julie)
Well, look, what would you like to tell me?
Julie
I don't dare. You speak first.
Lambert
I don't dare either.
Julie
I'd prefer to write to you.
Lambert
Me, also.
Julie (taking paper from the desk)
Here's some paper.
(They sit and write, then exchange papers.)
Julie and Lambert
There. There, it's done. (each reading) “One cannot force one's
feelings.” Huh?
Julie
We must have mixed up the papers.
(They exchange notes.)
Julie and Lambert (both reading)
“One cannot force one's feelings. We are not made for one another.”
Julie (bursting into laughter)
Ah, How funny this is!
Lambert
She's really nice.
Julie
What—really—you are not in love with me?
Lambert
And you either?
Julie
Ah, how happy I am.
Lambert
Me, too.
Julie
Say, why, I ought to be annoyed. I understand that I don't love
you, but you—that vexes me.
Lambert
I could say the same thing.
Julie
Don't be afraid. I'm not angry about it. Why, say, what happened to
your stammer?
Lambert
My stammer?
Julie
Yeah, you know. Like this.
(Julie imitates him twisting his tongue.)
Lambert
That's not a stammer. It's a precaution because mama told me to be
careful.
Julie
Oh, right. It's like my one, two, three, four. That's papa's
recommendation. Oh, really. I liked that, I was saying to myself: Poor
young man.
Lambert
Just like me. I was thinking: It's not possible she swallowed a
metronome.
Julie
Oh, what friends we are going to be now that we're not going to get
married.
Lambert
Friends? I really believe it.
Julie
Friends. And now, let's be diplomats so the world will leave us
alone. That's the only way to keep our liberty. We will have time to
implement our decision.
Lambert
Right, just as if—
Julie
Watch out, here's my stepmother.
Lambert (bowing to Marthe who comes in from the left)
Madame.
Marthe
Don't mind me! Don't mind me! Say, you haven't seen the tenor?
Julie
No.
Marthe
I'm looking for him. I've got to give him back his six sous. Let's
see, there's no envelope around. That's the easiest way to return
money.
Lambert (to Julie)
Come, it's agreed. We will remain engaged in the eyes of the world.
And now, (imitating Julie) one, two, three, four. One, two, three,
four. I ask your permission to do it.
Julie (twisting her tongue seven times)
Why do so, dear sir.
Lambert (as he passes)
She's charming.
Julie
He improves a lot as a friend.
Marthe
You're leaving, sir?
Lambert
I'm forced to, madame, for my mother is expecting me.
(Lambert goes out by the rear with Julie.)
Marthe (fumbling around in the desk)
An old letter from Amadine when she was on her honeymoon. (skimming
over the letter) “If you knew the trinkets I've bought, whole boxes
full. I feel I've done crazy things and I will do more still. Don't
tell my husband. I won't say any more. Take care of my canary and if
you want to be adorable buy me a pair of blue garters. I hug you.
Amadine Landeman.” Yes, it's no longer important. (tears it up and
wraps the money in it) There, like that. It's more convenient.
Dufausset (entering with a scarf around his neck)
Ouf! If I catch cold, it will be bad luck.
Marthe
The tenor! Heavens, have you caught cold?
Dufausset (aside)
Madame Landeman. (aloud) Me? Not at all. Mr. Pascarel insisted—so
that I won't catch cold. (aside) She's opened the basket and must have
seen the letter.
Marthe (aside)
I've got to give him his six sous. (aloud) Sir!
Dufausset
Madame.
Marthe
I was looking for you because of what I've received from you.
Dufausset (aside)
My letter. (aloud) Yes, madame. You weren't offended?
Marthe
One is never offended by an act of gallantry.
Dufausset
Ah! What I did was really audacious.
Marthe
I didn't think so.
Dufausset
Ah, you didn't? (aside) The devil. She is really bold. (aside) You
know, if I'd thought that—but when one doesn't know, you see? I didn't
dare do more.
Marthe
Oh, I didn't need more. The fare and nothing more.
Dufausset
The fare? Ah, there's a fare!
Marthe
Isn't there one in Bordeaux?
Dufausset
My God, no. (aside) I don't understand a word she says. I'd better
learn the customs of Paris.
Marthe
No fare! That must be really inconvenient. You must never know—
Dufausset
Ah, yes, it's a question of sympathy.
Marthe
With the conductor? Oh, you're putting me on.
Dufausset (aside)
She calls this a conductor. She's a character. (aloud) All the
same, I'm glad you are not offended.
Marthe
Me? Why would I be offended? After all, you were only trying to be
nice to me.
Dufausset
Certainly, I—(aside) She has a way of putting things.
Marthe
No matter! I didn't want to be indebted to you. And so, in my turn,
here!
(Marthe gives him the money wrapped in the letter.)
Dufausset (aside)
A letter! She's answered me! Ah, they don't waste time in Paris.
They're fast, very fast. It's the nervousness, the famous nervousness.
But, why did she put these little stones in it?
Marthe
And now, I'm leaving you.
Dufausset
Ah. I'll keep this all my life.
Marthe
As to that, that's your concern. Economy is a nice quality. Bye and
thanks.
(Marthe goes out by the right.)
Dufausset (alone)
What is she trying to tell me. (opening up) These aren't stones,
they're money. Oh, the six sous! She could have kept them. (reading) “I
feel I've done crazy things and I will do more still.” Does she mean
it? Oh, the dear angel! (reading) “Don't tell my husband.” Does she
think I'm stupid? “Take care of my canary.” Canary, that must be her
husband. She has a way of saying things. Certainly, I'll watch your
canary. “And if you want to be adorable buy me a pair of blue garters.”
Really, she's exquisite. A pair of—you only see them in Paris. But,
I'm going to run out and buy boxes of them—tons of them. “I hug you.”
Signed “Amadine Landeman.” Ah!
Amadine (in the rear)
The tenor! I am touched.
Dufausset
Oh, Amadine, dear Amadine.
Amadine (listening)
He's thinking of me.
Dufausset
Yes, I will give you garters.
Amadine
He wants to give me garters.
Dufausset
I will send a basket. Ah, but will you love me? Say, Amadine, will
you love me?
Amadine (in a dignified way)
But as for me, I love my husband, sir.
Dufausset
Huh? You? Why, I don't doubt it, madame. (aside) Who asked her?
Another one who's got a bee in her bonnet.
Amadine (aside)
I've intimated him, poor boy. (aloud) That is to say, I love my
husband, but not to the detriment of my tenor friendships.
Dufausset
Ah, really! (aside) What's that to me?
Amadine
Don't blush, young man.
Dufausset
I'm not blushing!
Amadine
Just as when I got to the Vendome Column, I don't get pale, young
man.
Dufausset
But, I'm not getting pale.
Amadine
Often one brushes against someone—one meets someone—once, among
other times—he went up, I came down—I gave way—
Dufausset
Really, what did you do?
Amadine
He brushed against me. Don't turn green, young man.
Dufausset (aside)
But, I wasn't turning green. She wants me to pass through all the
colors of the rainbow.
Amadine
And from this brushing against, I received a spark. I wasn't able
to see him, but I heard his voice. (imperative) Young man!
Dufausset
God! What color now?
Amadine
Young man! Say, just to see: Heavens, they put a plug in the
column.
Dufausset (repeating)
Heavens, they put a plug in the column.
Amadine
That's not the same voice at all. Doubtless because we are not in
the column. (aside) But, it can only be him. There was no one else who
brushed against me.
Dufausset
No, but why is she telling me all this?
Amadine
To tell you how much that meeting in the column shattered me,
overwhelmed me.
Dufausset
That doesn't astonish me. It's so narrow.
Amadine
How much this memory haunts me. I feel waves of blood rushing to my
head and beating here and here—this thing—pulsations everywhere.
Dufausset
Poor little thing. (aloud) Right! Well, I knew a woman who had
that. They made her take purges, but several months later she had a
baby.
Amadine
Is it possible? Ah, heaven preserve me! (aside) I think I was too
abrupt just now.
(Pascarel enters from the left with Landeman, Marthe, and Julie.)
Pascarel
Ah, my friends. I am in heaven. He has a voice, you see.
Landeman
You heard him sing?
Pascarel
No, but I heard him cough. And he had a deep one. Also, I
immediately wrote the directors of the Opera to schedule an audition.
Marthe
Suppose you beg him to sing something.
Pascarel (going to Dufausset)
Gladly. My dear Dufausset.
All
Dufausset?
Pascarel
Yes, shh! I didn't tell you—he's the natural son of Dufausset. But
don't mention it to him, it would cause him pain.
Landeman
Oh, the poor boy. (shaking Dufausset's hand) Believe me, I'm on
your side.
Dufausset
That's nice of you. (aside) What's gotten into the doctor? (aloud)
About what?
Landeman
Nothing—hush, I respect injuries.
Dufausset
You're right, that's a surgeon's concern. (Landeman moves away)
What a funny family.
Pascarel
Say, would you sing something for us?
Dufausset
Me? You can't be thinking of it?
Pascarel
Look, it's really the least thing.
Dufausset (aside)
What holy mania has possessed them to want to hear me sing?
Marthe
Oh, sir, you won't refuse me?
Dufausset (aside)
Her! (aloud) But, I assure you, I have no voice.
Julie
I will accompany you.
Dufausset
Where, miss?
Julie
Why, at the piano.
Dufausset
Oh, I'll do better alone.
Julie
Why, no. I will play the accompaniment, then!
Dufausset
Ah, you'll—right. That's what I meant to tell you—pianos are off
key next to my voice.
Marthe
Anyway, let's try.
Dufausset
Ah, then, you want—well—so much the worse for you. You insisted.
All (with satisfaction)
Ah!
Dufausset (low to Marthe)
Ah, you've made me so happy!
Marthe
Me!
Dufausset
Yes. Oh, indeed, go on. I will give you those garters.
Marthe (aside)
To me. Why, he's crazy!
Julie
What will you sing?
Dufausset (coming a bit closer)
It's all the same to me. I know “Hail, remain chaste and pure”!
Amadine (to Marthe)
What did he say to you?
Marthe
I don't know. He offered me garters.
Amadine
Heavens, and to me, too. He's a monomaniac.
Julie
Are you ready?
Dufausset
I'm ready. (low to Marthe as he passes her) I love you!
Martha
Ah! My God! I'm loved by a tenor!
Landeman (who has heard)
He's paying court to Marthe! I'll keep an eye on him.
(Julie sits at the piano and plays the prelude. Dufausset coughs to clear his throat.)
Dufausset
Hum! Hum!
Pascarel
How beautiful he is already. You can feel what a great tenor he is.
Amadine and Marthe (swooning)
Ah!
Amadine
He's exquisite.
Landeman
Hush, sweetie!
Dufausset
Hail, remain chaste and pure! (starts to cough)
Landeman
Yikes. There's a frog.
Pascarel
Where? Chase it out!
Amadine and Marthe
Hush!
Dufausset
Hail, remain chaste and pure.
Julie
No, excuse me. You're going down as the music goes up.
Dufausset
As for me, I always go down.
Pascarel
Yes, it's always that way with great singers. They improvise!
Bravo! Bravo!
All
Bravo! Bravo!
Dufausset (bowing and thanking them with gestures)
Well you begin again, Miss? I am with you.
(Julie begins. Just as Dufausset opens his mouth, a hurdy-gurdy begins to play outside. Everyone rushes to the window.)
Pascarel
Devil take them!
Marthe
There's a beggar at the gates.
Amadine
We've got to toss them some money so they will go away.
Pascarel
That's the idea. (tossing money) But, go away.
All (throwing money)
Go away! Go away!
Pascarel
Ah, he's gone.
Landeman
That's not so bad!
(They return to gather around the piano, ready to be enchanted. Dufausset coughs again and starts to sing when the organ starts up again.)
All
Again! Oh!
(They all rush to the window once more.)
Dufausset (leaving the piano in disgust)
There's no way to sing like this. He plays one air, I sing
another— conflicting currents of air. It's just not possible.
Pascarel
A current of air! Ah, my God, he's right. He could catch cold.
Quick, close the doors. (to Dufausset) Cover up! (to others) Cover him.
(General uproar. All find something to cover the horrified Dufausset. One brings a scarf, another a table cloth, another a curtain, etc.)
Dufausset (terrified)
What's gotten into them?
Pascarel (foot muff in hand)
A current of air! Ah, thanks, indeed.
(Pascarel places the foot muff on Dufausset's head.)
Landeman (in the midst of the general uproar)
Well, in the end, if one were not a connoisseur, one would say that
poor fellow is not a tenor, he's a totem pole.
CURTAIN
A country room in the Park of Princes. Doors right and left. On the left a chimney. At the back a large bay window giving on a garden. Chairs and tables.
Tiburce (seated at the table, folding sheets)
Oh, how stupid life is. People allow a lover to love his mistress,
but they don't allow a servant to love his mistress. Yet the word is
the same! Where's the difference? Ah, Amadine, you haven't understood
me. (rising) What I love in you is your appearance. One must love for
both with you, you have the benefit. But one day, I had the audacity to
confess my love. You called me Ruy Blas and you sent me walking. Then,
to console myself, the only thing for me to do, from time to time, when
you are not here, is to fold the sheets on which you sleep.
Amadine (at the back)
Well, Tiburce, what are you doing?
Tiburce
Nothing, madame. Folding sheets.
Amadine
My sheets? Well, you've got strange ideas. And then I was wondering
why things were folded wrong.
Tiburce
It was I, madame. I was so happy to assist madame.
Amadine
Huh! He dares—That's the maid's work. Go, and don't let it happen
again.
Tiburce
Yes, madame. (aside) This woman will never love me. A woman so
strong in the flesh. Oh, my livery, how you weigh on me!
(Exit Tiburce.)
Amadine
No—what an idea he had! Let's arrange this work. (she opens her
work basket) Heavens! Another letter from Dufausset! The mad fool! He
put it in my basket. No trouble to find it. Let's see!
(Lambert enters from the rear, bouquet in hand.)
Lambert
There's no one in the house. (noticing Amadine) Ah, Sweetie Pie!
Amadine (reading, does not see Lambert)
“I absolutely must speak to you.”
Lambert (bowing)
Madame.
Amadine (reading)
“You really wanted to encourage me. Well, I am taking the risk.”
Lambert (aside)
She doesn't seem to hear me. (aloud) Madame.
Amadine
He's taking the risk! I don't understand this boy! He is so
eloquent the way he writes and so abrupt the way he talks.
Lambert
She's as deaf as a pick-ax. (shouting) Madame!
Amadine (startled)
Huh? What? Why did you shout at me like that?
Lambert
I beg your pardon, but I already whispered to you twice. Then I
raised the whisper a little. Are you well, madame?
Amadine
Yes, I'm fine now. (reading) “I am risking—”
Lambert
As for me, I've been suffering all night.
Amadine
Really? So much the better, so much the better.
Lambert
I thank you. (aside) She doesn't seem to be concerned about me.
Amadine (reading)
“Daytime is not good. Grant me, tonight, a meeting in the
greenhouse.” (aloud) Huh?
Lambert
Couldn't you at least tell me where I can find my fiancée?
Amadine (still preoccupied)
In the greenhouse.
Lambert
In the greenhouse. Thanks. I'm going to join her.
(Lambert exits to the right.)
Amadine
In the greenhouse! He doesn't suspect anything. (reading) “I swear
to you it will be quite honorable.” Now, that's stupid. (reading)
“Remember, I am a gallant man.” Yes, very gallant, very gallant.
(reading) “If you consent, tell your husband to wave his handkerchief
when he sees me singing at your choice 'One eyed snail' or 'Cuckoo,
there you are' and you will indicate the time by tracing with chalk on
his back. You will make me happy.” I tell you, he is eloquent in his
writings. (reading) “By the way, I've found the garters, but need to
know the size.” He's still at it with his garters!
Landeman (who has entered without her noticing)
What are you reading, Sweetie Pie?
Amadine (quickly putting her hands behind her back)
Me? Nothing!
Landeman
What do you mean, nothing? I've seen you. What's that letter you're
hiding?
Amadine
Nothing! I tell you, a paper of no importance.
Landeman
Then, why did you try to hide it at my approach?
Amadine
It's just that—
Landeman
Come on, show it to me.
Amadine
I can't!
Landeman
Ah, darling. You are making me think things. Be careful. I want
that letter.
Amadine (avoiding him)
You shan't have it!
Landeman
I shan't have it! Amadine, you are deceiving me. That letter is a
love letter. Ah! I should have known from the way you're trying to
protect it! Give me that!
Amadine (aside)
I am lost. (aloud) No!
Landeman (taking it by force)
Eh! Give it to me, I tell you.
Amadine
Ah! Heavens! You are an Othello!
(Amadine collapses on the couch.)
Landeman
The tenor's writing! Isn't one enough for him?
Amadine (rising quickly)
Don't read it. (aside) Oh, in for a nickel, in for a dime. (aloud)
That letter is not for me.
Landeman
Not for you? Then who is it for?
Amadine
Why, for—(aside) Oh, forgive me, Marthe. (aloud) Are you capable
of keeping a secret, even to death?
Landeman (with conviction)
Even after.
Amadine
Well, that letter is for Marthe.
Landeman
Huh? For—Is that really so? After all, it doesn't surprise me. He
told her “I love you” right in front of me. Then, it might really be
true. All the same—I am going to find out. (starts to leave)
Amadine
Where are you going?
Landeman
What? Eh, good God, I'm taking the letter to Marthe.
Amadine
What?
Landeman
Hell!
Amadine (holding him back)
You aren't going to do that!
Landeman
I'm going to force myself.
Amadine
That's impossible.
Landeman
Why? That letter is for her. I'll take it to her. It's quite
simple.
Amadine (in desperation)
But, that would be immoral! (Marthe enters) Marthe! Ah! God help
us.
(Amadine runs out right.)
Marthe
Hello, doctor.
Landeman (bowing)
Madame.
Marthe (sitting down)
Well! It seems I made your wife run off.
Landeman
Yes—err-no! And, is your husband well?
Marthe
Yes. He's not back yet. He's at the Opera. This is the moment Mr.
Dufausset is having his audition—and my husband insisted on being
present at his triumph.
Landeman
And he'll have it. He has a marvelous voice—from what they say at
Bordeaux—because, as for me—now, you know, there's a difference in
the climate. And then, perhaps one needs to do something.
Marthe
It's the Italian method.
Landeman
Apparently. Besides that, he's a really charming young man.
Marthe
My husband adores him.
Landeman (aside)
Not astonishing. They always do. (aloud) Speaking of him. Here's a
little note he asked me to give you and I—
(Landeman hands the paper to Marthe who rises to take it.)
Marthe (opening the letter)
Let's see. (reading) “I absolutely must speak to you.” (aside) The
mad fool! (aloud) Yes, yes, I know what this is—some information I
asked him—
Landeman
Ah! It's a—
Marthe
Yes, I thank you very much.
Landeman
So, it really was for her. I like that better.
(Landeman goes out left.)
Marthe
What a silly thing to entrust such a compromising letter to a third
person. Fortunately, Landeman isn't suspicious. (sits on couch)
Lambert (entering from the right back)
Well, you know, she wasn't in the greenhouse. Heavens, it's not
Sweetie Pie—it's Madame Pascarel.
Marthe
This Dufausset is really bold.
Lambert (bowing)
Madame.
Marthe
What can he be writing me?
Lambert (bowing again)
Madame! (aside) She's just like the other one.
Marthe (reading)
“I absolutely must speak to you.” Huh?
Lambert
And she's reading, too. Is this a reading room, then?
Marthe (reading)
“I absolutely must speak to you. You really—” (unable to read it)
”— encouraged me—”
Lambert (continuing like a lesson learned by heart)
“You really encouraged me. I am risking—”
Marthe (rising)
Huh? You! How do you know?
Lambert
Oh! I was saying—I suppose—(aside) It's a circular!
Marthe
Why, then, you read it?
Lambert
No, I only knew that phrase, that's all. Some begging letter, huh?
It's without importance.
Marthe
Yes, exactly. (aside) He gave me a scare.
(Marthe sits down again. Lambert sits as close to her as he can.)
Lambert
And you are well today, dear future mother-in-law?
Marthe (aside)
Why is he sitting like that? (aloud) Yes, yes, very well. Thank you
so much.
Lambert
I've been suffering all night.
Marthe (getting up to move to another chair)
Come on, so much the better.
Lambert (moving to the chair she vacated)
You imagine that I'm looking for my fiancée to give her this
bouquet. Madame Landeman told me she was in the greenhouse. She wasn't
in the greenhouse.
Marthe
No, no, indeed. (reading on the sly) “Daytime isn't good—”
Lambert
You don't know where I could find her?
Marthe (aside)
God, he's a nuisance. (aloud) Who?
Lambert
My fiancée.
Marthe (at the end of her patience)
Oh! (aloud, to get rid of him) In the barn.
Lambert
In the barn? What a funny place. I'm off. (bowing) Madame.
(Lambert goes out left.)
Marthe
That's a relief. Let's read. “Grant me tonight an interview in the
greenhouse.” He's crazy! Why, what does he take me for? “I swear to you
it will be perfectly honorable.” Oh, perfectly, perfectly. Just what I
was telling myself, too. “Remember I am a gallant man.” No, no, I can't
do it. Night is too dangerous. Perfectly honorable—stuff! Yes, but on
the other hand, if I don't go I would be insulting him, since he says:
“I am a gallant man.” I would seem to be doubting that, while, by
going, I'd force him to behave honorably and it would be polite on my
part. And then, and then, perhaps it wouldn't be too dull. (reading)
“If you consent, tell your husband to wave his handkerchief when he
sees me singing at your choice 'One eyed snail' or 'Cuckoo, there you
are!” Ah, he must—(acts as if she were waving a handkerchief) He's the
one who will give the signal. No, I have a scruple. I'll tell him not
to wave very enthusiastically, that will palliate things. (reading)
“You will indicate the time by tracing with chalk on his back.” Oh, no,
no. That would never do—to chalk up my husband. (reading) “By the way,
I've found the garters, but they want to know the size.” Really, he
must be a shareholder in a factory.
Amadine (entering from the left)
Marthe. She mustn't know about this. I have to have a clear
conscience.
Marthe
Sweetie Pie.
(Marthe slides over to make a place for Amadine. They hug.)
Amadine (simpering)
How nice you keep this place.
Marthe
Me?
Amadine (sitting beside her)
Ah, this is nice. (a moment of silence) Uh! Have you seen my
husband?
Marthe
Why, yes, indeed.
Amadine
He must have given you a letter?
Marthe
Huh? How do you know?
Amadine
I know because I had it in my hands.
Marthe
Ah, you had it. (aside) This Dufausset is really mad. Stupid to
make a daisy chain with things like that.
Amadine
Oh, you know, that letter—I didn't read it.
Marthe
Ah, you—(aside) I can breathe again.
Amadine
Anymore than you, I hope?
Marthe
Me? Why, what do you take me for? I don't read letters.
Amadine
As for me, I have principles.
Marthe (aside)
She doesn't suspect anything. I've saved.
Amadine (aside)
She didn't see anything. I'm not worried. (aloud) But, this letter?
Marthe
I tore it up. What did you think I'd do with it?
Amadine
Ah! You could have shown it to me.
Marthe (aside)
Heavens! We'll see about that! (aloud) I thought it better to tear
it up.
Amadine (aside)
After all—I'm being stupid. I already read it. (aloud) Say,
doubtless it was some timid declaration of love.
Marthe (simpering)
That letter? Oh, no!
Amadine (simpering)
And yes, yes. What, you aren't responsible for the feelings you
inspire.
Marthe
Oh, yes—no, indeed, it's deluding oneself. It's inadmissible.
Amadine
Huh? Why, if you please?
Marthe
It must be that this love was not serious. The object wasn't really
worth the bother.
Amadine
The object? What a way to speak, and why not worth the bother?
Marthe
Thanks. It's sweet of you to say that. Only, there's nothing to be
deluded about. You see, one must come down a peg or two. One is not the
kind of woman to excite passion.
Amadine (aside)
She is impertinent. (dryly) You think one is as much in a state of
exciting passions as certain other persons?
Marthe
That would be fatuous on the part of the thinker.
Amadine
Not everyone thinks as you do. If the Vendome Column could speak—
Marthe
The Vendome Column has nothing to do with it.
Amadine
I beg your pardon. As for me, I don't advance anything without
supporting it. It's real easy to talk. What has to be done is to prove.
Not everyone has the Vendome Column to pull out of their pocket.
Marthe
What's she talking about?
Amadine
Finally, my dear, I find what you said very uncalled for, and I
don't have any trouble telling you so. (rising)
Marthe (aside)
What a good friend! She defends me against me. (aloud, rising) Come
on. Look, let's say I said nothing—
Amadine
Allow me. You said “object.”
Marthe
Well, I withdraw the word. All that's not serious, then!
Amadine
Really? It's not serious? All, well, so much the better—because it
caused me pain.
Marthe
What a heart!
Amadine
And you will no longer say one is not a woman to inspire passion?
Marthe
No—there! That, that's agreed. It was so as not to seem
flattering.
Amadine
What does that make between us?
Marthe
Well, I'll say, if you insist, that one is the most beautiful, the
most charming, the most exquisite of women.
Amadine
Oh, you are going from one extreme to the other. No, just passable.
Marthe
What do you mean “just passable”?
Amadine
One has one's attractions, one's allures, but I assure you one
understands quite well that a man, neither too old or indeed too young,
who doesn't have an embarrassment of riches to choose from—
Marthe
Oh, indeed! She's pulling me down now.
Amadine
Still, we've seen things like that. For example, consider the
Vendome Column.
Marthe
Eh! The Column, the Column. When it was really the Bastille.
(aside) In the end she bores me.
Amadine
What's the matter with you?
Marthe
I find your remarks in poor taste.
Amadine
Me! Oh, you are too indulgent to me.
Marthe
One doesn't talk this way about people.
Amadine
Oh, when it touches so close to home. Still, it's good—if I went
for-—I realize—The fact is I've been too severe, but I won't think
another word about it.
Marthe
Good.
Amadine
What an excellent friend.
(Marthe and Amadine shake hands.)
Tiburce (at the back)
Madame, madame. Your husband has returned, completely collapsed it
seems.
Amadine
Ah, my God!
Marthe
Why's that?
Landeman (coming in from the left)
What's the matter?
Julie (coming in from the right)
What is it?
Amadine
It's Mr. Pascarel.
Marthe
It's your father.
Pascarel (coming in from the back)
Ah, my friends. Water, water. Something. Help me. I can't take any
more. (they hover about him as he collapses) Oh, what a thing. Ah,
good. (drinks from a cup handed to him by Tiburce) He had his audition.
It was something, really! A disaster!
All (annihilated)
Ah!
Pascarel
Oh, I actually expected it. Even yesterday, when we made him sing,
I told myself so, indeed. And you, too, Landeman, you said so, too.
It's funny, isn't it? But I was thinking we aren't musicians. Since
he's famous, he must have a beautiful voice. Well, I assure you, he's
overrated. That's how they get a reputation down South. I ought to have
been suspicious, after all. The people from Bordeaux, they're such
lying windbags.
(Pascarel finishes his water and gives the empty cup to Tiburce who immediately hands him another.)
All
Then?
Pascarel (rising)
We arrived at the Opera where the directors received us and took us
to a hall. There were only two of us and the jury. The jury was
composed of the directors and the conductor. The conductor was assigned
to accompany him. He asked what arias Dufausset sang. He replied that
he knew, quite well, “Miss, listen to me carefully.” The conductor
objected that it was not part of the repertory and he didn't know it.
So he fell back on his eternal “Hail, remain chaste and pure.” As for
me, I was seized with uncertainty because things weren't going so well
today as they did here yesterday evening. Finally, I said to myself:
“May God have mercy.” And he sang, if one can call that singing. He was
off key and out of tune. And it was no use for him to argue that the
piano was out of tune or the accompanist going too fast. They didn't
fall for that. The directors looked at each other. They were horrified.
The accompanist was in a funk. He kept saying: “Go on—come on, go on.”
In the end, Dufausset said “Damn!” I felt everyone looking at him. I
was covered with shame and, when I left, someone said the Opera is not
a dive for practical jokes. Oh, the criminal!
Julie
Calm down, papa.
Pascarel
Calm down! Calm down! (rising and pacing rapidly) It's easy to say
that. What am I going to do with this good-for-nothing? Look, I've got
a contract with him. A contract which ties me up like a sheep. Thirty-five hundred francs per month. If you think that's a small thing for a
tenor who has no voice. And then, your Opera? Who's going to perform
it? It won't be Landeman, and it won't be me, and now I cannot contract
with all the tenors who are free of engagements to find an interpreter
for you. Let's found an agency, then.
(Pascarel paces to the right. Amadine pulls Julie aside.)
Marthe
Look, you are exaggerating things. Dufausset was probably tired.
The change in climate, who knows, the trip. He just got here yesterday.
You didn't give him time to relax. You thought that if he's celebrated
in Bordeaux that he had something.
Pascarel
Ah, yuck! He's a zero, really! I made a great purchase. (Dufausset
appears at the back) There he is. Leave us alone.
(All leave by the right.)
Dufausset
It's me.
Pascarel
Ah, there you are, sir.
Dufausset
Yes, and I'm dying of hunger.
Pascarel
You are dying of hunger? That's fine with me. Am I to feed useless
mouths? Aren't you blushing over your parasitic condition?
Dufausset
Parasitic? Well, say now!
Pascarel
You can boast of having been brilliant just now at the Opera.
Dufausset
My God.
Pascarel
Ah! You think that went well, do you? Well, you're not stupid. You
saw the way they looked at you. It was shameful!
Dufausset
So? It was your fault. You didn't have to make me sing.
Pascarel
It seems to me tenors are not made for shining shoes.
Dufausset
Right. Everybody has his job. It was easy to see I was in no
condition.
Pascarel
Well, all you had to do was tell me and we would have waited a
while.
Dufausset
I thought it wasn't serious. We Bordelais say “Exaggerate like a
Parisian.” Then, I had a thought. Pascarel is laying a joke on the
Opera. Let's give them a good ribbing!
Pascarel
Well, that's your pretty idea! Now, what can I do with you? You
think I'm going to see you browse and pay you for your good looks? As
for the Opera, there's no use even thinking of it. Do you write well?
Do you know how to count?
Dufausset
Umm! Umm!
Pascarel
Let's see. Thirty-five plus nine—how much is that?
Dufausset
Thirty-five plus nine—(counting on his fingers) Thirty-six,
thirty- seven, thirty-eight—
Pascarel
Look, thirty-five plus nine. Do you have to count on your fingers?
Dufausset
No. Only, it's easier that way.
Pascarel
Oh, easier! What if you don't have enough fingers? (aside) No, what
am I to do with this character? (aloud) Still, I don't know. We'll try
to make some use of you. You can run errands. And in the mornings, you
can dust.
Dufausset
Me?
Pascarel
Yes, you! You must be good for something! To give tenors three
thousand five hundred francs a month is incredible. You could buy a
slave for less. And that would be of more use.
Dufausset (aside)
Me, dust rooms? I'm going to write dad.
Pascarel
And, look here, not a word to Tiburce, you know. If he finds out
about the wages I'm paying you, he will get ideas, thank you very much.
(aside) Oh, if I could only pass him off on some imbecile.
(Pascarel goes out at back right.)
Dufausset
Oh, this is too much. To humiliate me in this way. This morning, he
coddled me, he put me in silks, and now he treats me like a dog at a
wedding.
Julie (entering)
You are enraged, Mr. Dufausset?
Dufausset
It's your father, miss. He wants me to dust the rooms, polish the
floors—
Julie
Oh!
Dufausset
What's more, soon he'll call me a flunky.
Julie
Poor young man. Papa isn't thinking what he's saying. (aside) How
could one cause pain to such a nice young man!
Dufausset
Oh, miss, he's deeply wounded me, and if I wasn't kept here by the
charms of someone—
Julie (aside)
Is it possible? (aloud) A young person?
Dufausset
A young person, but I cannot name her.
Julie
Don't, no. It would make me blush.
Dufausset
I wouldn't take it otherwise. (aside) Amadine must have received my
letter by now. What will she think?
Julie
I'm very happy with the confession you've just made me. Ah, really
happy. And, I trust your discretion.
Dufausset
Discretion is the finest characteristic of a man. (aside) Which
doesn't prevent him from wanting to know who it is.
Julie
Ah, I'm quite happy.
Dufausset (leaving by the back)
As for me, I'm dying of hunger.
Amadine (coming in from the right)
Who was that who just left?
(Marthe appears at the right.)
Julie
Mr. Dufausset. He had a scene with dad. He was deeply wounded. He
went to eat.
Marthe (coming in)
That proves he has got heart.
Amadine
And appetite.
Marthe
Your father's not here?
Julie
No. Are you looking for him?
Marthe
Yes, I need him. (aside) To make him—
Amadine
I have to find my husband, too. (aside) I've provisioned myself
with a piece of chalk from the billiard table.
(Pascarel comes in from the back.)
Pascarel
That's all good. You can eat later. You go help Tiburce water the
flowers. So much for useless parasites, at least those one can't get
rid of. (goes back)
Marthe
Oh, my friend. What you just said was villainous.
Julie (standing by the table)
Poor boy.
Amadine
He must water the plants.
Dufausset (entering with two watering jugs)
What humiliation! Oh, if I weren't forced to stay. (to Marthe) So,
would you like me to take care of your canary?
Marthe
Huh? (going to her husband)
Amadine
Take great care. My husband has his suspicions. I think he suspects
your sinful love.
Dufausset
Heavens to Betsy! I was the one who told him.
Amadine
You wretch. And how did he take it?
Dufausset
Him! What do you expect him to do? He only said: “Ah, well—that's
unusual.”
Amadine (aside)
Did he? He said—the insolent creature. Well, I must have been
wrong to have scruples. (to Dufausset) Sir, I am waiting for your
garters. My size is fifty-eight.
Dufausset (horrified)
Ah—I—size fifty-eight—you know—fifty-eight pleases me. (aside)
They have a mania for garters in this town.
Pascarel (coming forward)
Come on, don't waste time. Go water the flowers. Hurry up, because
after that I have an errand for you to run.
Dufausset
Me?
Pascarel
Yes. You'll go get me some garters because one of mine snapped.
Dufausset
Him, too! It's in the blood. (goes out right)
Marthe
What? You're letting him leave?
Julie (going to Pascarel)
Oh, father, the poor boy—
Pascarel
What do you mean “the poor boy”? Do you know what he's getting from
me? Three thousand five hundred a month and you complain! Well, what
will you say to Tiburce who has only fifty?
Amadine
That's not a reason to humiliate him.
Julie
You've deeply wounded him.
Marthe
Want to know what I think? You are just an egoist.
Amadine
Yes, he's very villainous.
Marthe
Very villainous.
Pascarel
What's so villainous about it?
All three women
Yes, very villainous, very villainous, very villainous.
Pascarel
There, there, calm down.
Julie
The poor boy. I'm going to find him in the garden and bring him
words of consolation.
(Julie goes out right.)
Amadine
As for me, I'm going to find my husband. I'm going to make him up
something fine. Oh, you're going to get it. “It's so unusual.”
(Amadine goes out right.)
Pascarel (sitting on the couch)
You are nice to complain, you are. I think I am the one who should
complain. I ask you, what am I to do? No theatre wants him.
Marthe (sitting beside him)
Who knows? Look around.
(Tiburce enters and waits seeing his employers speak.)
Pascarel
How can you expect someone to take a tenor who has no voice?
Tiburce
I beg pardon, sir, but in all lines of business, there's always a
way to smarten up the nightingales. So, when my father, who was a
horse- jobber, had an old nag to sell, he'd put a grain of ginger under
the tail and that would the business. I recommend the remedy to you,
sir.
Pascarel
I thank you. If you have anything else to suggest—
Tiburce
Not at the moment. I was just coming to tell you that Mr. Lambert
is here.
Pascarel
Show him in.
Tiburce
Fine, sir.
(Tiburce introduces Lambert and retires.)
Lambert
Future father-in-law, mother-in-law.
Marthe (vexed)
Future mother-in-law.
Pascarel
You've come about your fiancée?
Lambert
Imagine, I haven't had any luck. I was waiting for her in the barn
and she wasn't there.
Pascarel
She's in the garden.
Lambert (aside)
Take care to avoid speaking stupidly. Apply mother's remedy.
(twisting his tongue) I am bringing this bouquet (more twisting) to my
fiancée. (more twisting) I would be so happy to see her.
Marthe (rising)
What's the matter with him?
Pascarel (also rising)
Heavens, does this happen to you often? (aside) Julie told me about
it. I'd never noticed.
Marthe
If you want to see Julie, she's in the garden. She's watching the
may bug being killed.
(Marthe sits down and knits.)
Lambert (twisting his tongue)
You have a lot of May bugs?
Pascarel (aside)
Ah, why, he is exasperating with his tic. (aloud) And, there's no
remedy for it?
Lambert
Yes, one takes boiling water and scalds them. That really kills
them.
Pascarel
Huh? That's a treatment for you? No, as for me, I know another way.
I heard of a specialist named Demosthenes who put little stones—you
could try.
Lambert
For the May bugs?
Pascarel
Why, no. For your thingamajigger there. (imitating him)
Lambert
Oh, for my—Oh, that. That's nothing. Don't worry. Let's go. I'm
going to find Miss Julie. (starts to leave)
Pascarel
That's it. Say, while I'm thinking of it, you wouldn't need a
tenor?
Lambert
No, my mother's looking for a cook.
Pascarel
Well, there! I'll let her have my tenor. He's very healthy and a
fine fellow. He also runs errands.
Lambert
But, a tenor?
Pascarel
Oh, he doesn't sing much.
Lambert
What's he asking?
Pascarel
Three thousand five hundred francs a month.
Lambert
Huh! For a cook? Why, he's mad!
Pascarel
He doesn't drink or smoke.
Lambert
At that price, no way.
Pascarel
I told you, no one, no one would want him.
Lambert
I've got to go.
(Lambert leaves right rear.)
Pascarel
Still, if you hear of anyone who wants him, right? (pacing) Ah, if
he could only get his voice back for twenty-four hours. If you could do
it with ginger the way you do with horses—and later, it's all the same
to me if he no longer has a voice, once I've found a place for him.
Marthe (aside)
Perhaps it's time to speak to my husband about the signal.
Decidedly, he must say yes. But, how to make him do it? Ah, what an
idea! (rising, going to her husband) Say, you want Dufausset to get his
voice back? Well, perhaps I know a way. I don't guarantee anything, you
know, I give it to you for what it's worth. No, I don't dare tell you.
You're going to laugh.
Pascarel
No, no, go ahead!
Marthe
It smacks of—superstition. Anyway, a fortune teller told me about
it. It seems infallible. When a singer loses his voice, there's a
simple way to get it back for him.
Pascarel
Well?
Marthe
Well, here it is! When Dufausset enters, you'll wave your
handkerchief at him like this (waving) and say three times: “Cuckoo,
there he is.”
Pascarel (pulling out his handkerchief and waving it)
Then what?
Marthe
That's all.
Pascarel
That's all. That's stupid, your way.
Marthe
It doesn't cost anything to try it.
Pascarel
That's an old wives' tale. Anyway, I'll try it. At least, it can't
do any harm.
Marthe (to herself)
And now the time. Two o'clock is a nice time. (aloud) Ah!
Pascarel
What?
Marthe
Turn around.
Pascarel
What for?
Marthe (tracing two lines on his back)
One—two—there, two o'clock.
Pascarel
Aie! You're tickling me. What's wrong?
Marthe
Ah, no, nothing. I thought I saw a May bug on you.
Pascarel
Well?
Marthe
Well, no. I was seeing double. (aside) And now, Dufausset will know
what to do.
(Marthe goes out right. Amadine comes in from the left, followed by Landeman.)
Amadine
So, you've quite understood? You will shake your handkerchief very
hard.
Landeman (with lines on his back)
Yes, yes, Sweetie Pie. (aside) If this works, I'll give up
medicine. (waving his handkerchief)
Pascarel (aside, waving his handkerchief)
This is idiotic. God, how stupid women are.
Amadine (aside)
Three o'clock. That's the time my husband snores the loudest.
(aloud) I shall leave you.
(Amadine goes out right. Pascarel and Landeman stare in astonishment at each other silently for a moment.)
Pascarel
Well! What are you doing with your handkerchief in your hand?
Landeman
Well! And you?
Pascarel
Me? Nothing. I'm waiting to sneeze.
Landeman
Ah, whereas, I—you have no idea how stupid this is. I'm waiting
for Dufausset.
Pascarel
Really? Well, what do you want me to tell you? Me, too.
Landeman
It seems it's a question of waving the handkerchief. That brings
the voice back.
Pascarel
Yes, precisely.
Landeman (aside)
What, could it be true?
Pascarel
Him, a man of science? That reassures me.
Landeman
It seems, it suffices to wave—
Pascarel
Yes, saying three times, “Cuckoo, there he is.”
Landeman
Ah, no!
Pascarel
Yes.
Landeman
No. Sweetie Pie didn't tell me that.
Pascarel
She must have forgotten.
Landeman
Not at all. She told me you have to sing “One eyed snail, show me
your horns.”
Pascarel (aside)
Ah, perhaps there are variations. There are so many branches of
medicine.
Landeman (aside)
Ah, indeed. She is really clever.
Pascarel (aside)
I'd never have believed it.
Landeman
Look sharp! Here he comes.
Dufausset
There, are you satisfied? I've killed them, your May bugs.
(Pascarel and Landeman wave their handkerchiefs.)
Dufausset
Hey! What's gotten into you?
Together
Pascarel Landeman Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo,
there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.
Dufausset
Ah! The signal. It's the signal. Oh, joy. She accepts.
Pascarel
Look how agitated he is!
Landeman
It's the beginning of the crisis.
Dufausset
Poor woman, she's afraid her husband would not be enough. She's
sending reinforcements.
Pascarel
Well, how do you feel? Do you notice something?
Dufausset
Ah, I should say so. It seems everything's expanding inside me.
Pascarel
That's good.
Landeman
This is incredible.
Pascarel
What a joke on the scientists.
Landeman
I'll have to try this with my patients.
Together (waving their handkerchiefs)
Pascarel Landeman Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo,
there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.
Dufausset
Ah, but, don't wear yourselves out. That's enough.
Pascarel
Let us alone, the more the better.
(Pascarel gives Dufausset a sly punch in the stomach. Then he turns away so that Dufausset notices the marks.)
Landeman
Why, yes, it's for your own good.
(Landeman nudges Dufausset and then turns away.
Dufausset
Ah, that's for—he's astonishing, this husband. (looking at
Pascarel) One—two. The rendezvous is for two o'clock.
Pascarel
Cuckoo, there he is.
Dufausset (noticing Landeman)
One, to, three. So—go—there. Ah, wait. Two or three, which is it?
Landeman
One eyed snail—
Dufausset
Eh! No, she split it up between the two men. Have to add two plus
three—two plus three.
Pascarel (helping him)
Five. Two plus three—five.
Dufausset
Just so—five. It's at five. Ah, I'm very happy. (singing in full
voice)
Mine the pleasures
Of a young mistress.
Pascarel (stunned)
He's singing!
Dufausset (singing)
Mine their caresses.
Mine their desires.
Landeman (stunned)
He's found his voice.
Pascarel
This is marvelous. Finally, I've got my tenor back. Ah, Dufausset!
My dear Dufausset. (shaking his hand)
Dufausset
Well, now what's gotten into them?
(Lambert has entered and watched this spectacle. He is flabbergasted.)
Pascarel (to Lambert)
Ah, my friend, listen. He's found his voice.
Lambert
Who?
Pascarel
My tenor.
Lambert
The cook?
Pascarel (to Dufausset)
Ah, do it again, so he can hear. Landeman, your handkerchief. You,
too, Lambert, wave your handkerchief. That will strengthen it.
Lambert (obeying)
What's he sing?
Pascarel
What's he sing? “Mine the Pleasure.” You're going to hear it. Go
ahead, Dufausset.
Dufausset
Oh, if you want me too. (they wave their handkerchiefs) (singing)
Mine the pleasure,
Mine the young mistresses.
(Dufausset stops singing.)
Pascarel
Huh? Is that all?
Lambert
Yes, yes. (singing)
Mine their desires.
Mine their caresses.
Pascarel and Landeman
Him, too?
Dufausset and Lambert
Mine the energy
Of savage instincts.
Pascarel
Why, this charm is wonderful. (calling) Ah, Julie, Marthe, Sweetie
Pie.
The three women (entering)
What's the matter?
Pascarel
Ah, come, my friends. Dufausset has got his voice back.
Lambert (who hasn't stopped singing)
The mad orgy
Of feelings and sensuality.
Pascarel
Why, you, be quiet! (to Marthe) Marthe, your method is excellent.
Marthe
Not possible!
Dufausset (aside)
Yes, I get it.
Tiburce
You tried the ginger, sir?
Pascarel
No, indeed, leave us in peace with your ginger.
Dufausset
Ah, I am quite happy. Madame, I'll be on time. Here are your
garters.
Marthe
Thanks. (aside) He keeps at it. (aloud) But, you swear to me, this
is quite honorable?
Dufausset
I swear it.
(Marthe goes to Julie. Amadine goes near Dufausset.)
Amadine (to Dufausset, low)
Ah, young man, what are you going to think of me?
Dufausset (shrugging)
Oh, no, her again. (aloud) Why, nothing at all.
Amadine
Say: “Heavens, they put a plug in this column.”
Dufausset
Decidedly it's a fetish. “Heavens, they put a plug in this column.
Amadine (aside)
Oh, it can only be him! (aloud) Ah, young man. I am going to be
very sinful.
Dufausset
Go on, so much the better! So much the better. (hums)
Amadine (delighted)
Ah, he's happy, poor darling!
Dufausset
And now, I'm going back to the May bugs.
Pascarel
Never in life. You, to the May bugs? Tiburce, to your watering
pots, and you, Dufausset, to glory, to the Opera. (to Landeman)
Together, Landeman.
Together (with their handkerchiefs)
Pascarel Landeman Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo,
there he is. Show me Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.
(All copy them, to Dufausset's horror.)
CURTAIN
Scene: Same as Act I. The table and chairs have been removed.
Tiburce
Damn! I couldn't sleep. All night I seemed to hear walking in the
house. I had nightmares. I dreamed I was going to marry Sweetie Pie.
(sentimentally) She was even more fleshy than in real life, but then a
mother-in-law appeared with a head like Landeman and she was against
the romance. Then there was a fight between the women—and somehow I
boxed her ear. What's it mean to dream of a mother-in-law? Let's look
in the Key to Dreams. It's infallible. I knew a nurse that it predicted
her son would rake in millions and he became a croupier. (scanning the
book) Let's see, mother-in-law, see warming-pan. (leafing some more)
Warming-pan, see mother-in-law. This could go on for a long time like
that.
Landeman (coming in from the left)
Ah, Tiburce. Tell me, have either Mr. Pascarel or the tenor come
down yet?
Tiburce
No. I don't understand it. It's nearly eleven o'clock and no one is
down yet. It's as if they'd been awake all night. I think, between
ourselves, that if they're sleeping so late today, it's because
yesterday, the cook, not having enough caramel to flavor the bouillon,
put some laudanum in it.
Landeman
Laudanum! You are crazy.
Tiburce
Yes, sir. Just joking.
Landeman
You don't know what you're talking about today. Ah, here's Mr.
Pascarel. Leave us.
Tiburce
Right, sir. (goes out at the rear)
Landeman
Eh, time you got here.
Pascarel (entering from the right)
Here I am. Have you seen Dufausset?
Landeman
Not yet.
Pascarel
You don't know if he's still got his voice?
Landeman
God, I haven't seen him since yesterday.
Pascarel
Anyway, I'm not worried. We have the means: “One Eyed Snail.” Oh,
my God. Why, that won't work at the Opera.
Landeman
My word, that could really happen, you know. As for me, what I
can't get out of my head is that Dufausset is trying to put us there.
Pascarel
He won't be a tenor?
Landeman
On the contrary, he has reasons to hide from us.
Pascarel
You think so?
Landeman
Yes. You understand, even in the south, it's impossible for someone
to have a reputation as a singer if he's completely voiceless. Only he
might have smelled the truth and learned that the Opera will engage
him; then, furious at having signed with you, he found another way to
force you to release him from his engagement by making you believe he
has no voice.
Pascarel
Ah, really. That isn't half bad; he knew a thing or two. Happily,
you saw through it right away. We are not imbeciles.
Landeman
Damn, it's obvious. A voice doesn't vanish in two days. My God,
that he might lose it over a long period of time, that could happen,
because he's got something that will injure it. In my opinion, I think
this lad is a real libertine, and you know, that's bad for the voice.
Pascarel
Ah, you think that?
Landeman
He only has to look at a petticoat—(making sure no one is
listening) Why, heavens, here—you haven't seen a thing. Well, there's
a woman here that he's chasing.
Pascarel (aside)
What do you mean, I haven't seen a thing? God, it's his wife.
Landeman
Oh, I shall not mention her name.
Pascarel
No. (aside) The clumsy fool is nabbing himself.
Landeman (aside)
I won't mention her name because she's his wife.
Pascarel
I assure you, Landeman, that's not it.
Landeman
Heavens, he hasn't told you about it?
Pascarel
Yes, yes, on the contrary. He did tell me. He said: “You know,
Pascarel, I seem to be—” Well, not at all, that's not it. I assure
you, there' nothing to it.
Landeman
I believe you. And then, you know, I really hope so. As for me, I
couldn't give a damn.
Pascarel
Ah, you—he's a good sort.
Landeman
Why, it's all the same—as for you, be suspicious.
Pascarel
Why, in that case, my friend, you don't care. I do as you do.
Landeman
Ah, good, in that case—(aside) He's a philosopher.
Dufausset (entering from the back)
It's me.
Pascarel
Ah, there you are, my dear Dufausset. I heard you making waves just
now.
Dufausset
Me? Never.
Pascarel
Why, never?
Landeman
No, he's telling the truth. I thought so, too, at first, but it was
the water in the reservoir—water that was rising.
Pascarel
Ah, that was it. It sings nicely. Like you. For you have a voice.
Ah, wise-guy, it's no use for you to hold it back, it breaks out, and
the timber—Ah, ah, ah, you've got timber enough.
Dufausset
Me? No more than others, for heaven's sake.
Pascarel
Come on, look, no mystification, we are sharp. Don't try to do that
to us—let it loose!
Dufausset
What?
Pascarel
Eh! Your voice. Go to it. We are know you are a tenor of the
greatest merit.
Dufausset
Me? Why, that's laughable.
Pascarel
Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't play so innocent. I know your game.
Landeman
Why, it's useless. He won't release you.
Pascarel
No use being stubborn about it.
Dufausset
They're sticking to it.
Pascarel
Sing the scale a little. Do, re, me, etc.
Dufausset
Do, re, me, etc.
Pascarel
Louder!
Dufausset
Do, re me, etc. (aside) They're trying to turn me into a braying
ass.
Pascarel
Well, there, that's it. He's a bit off key, but that's because
there are currents of air. When there's scenery around—
Landeman
You see quite well you have a fine voice
Dufausset
Me!
Pascarel
Besides, your reputation was made in Bordeaux.
Dufausset
Come on!
Pascarel
That's why I gave you such a brilliant contract. Without that do
you imagine—
Dufausset
It's really true! What you are saying is absolutely serious?
Pascarel
Yes!
Dufausset
Well, indeed, I would never have suspected it of myself.
Landeman
It's childish to try to hide it from us.
Dufausset
Oh, I assure you, that up to now, I was quite unaware of it. Sure,
it's so positive, would you like me to tell you? Deep down, I always
felt I had a voice, but they discouraged me down there by saying: “Shut
up, you're going to make it rain.”
Pascarel
There are always envious people who like to ruin vocations.
Dufausset
Do, re me—Ah, ah, ah, ah. (singing)
Goodbye, remain chaste and pure.
Pascarel
Yi! Always the same tune. He doesn't vary it much.
Dufausset
Ah, don't be afraid. I will learn others.
Pascarel
It's so pretty. Such a beautiful voice.
Dufausset
Ah, I think so, indeed. But in France, there's no—you have to go
to Italy. If you'd been to the Sistine Chapel, like I was—
Pascarel
What did you say just now?
Dufausset
I said, if you'd been to the Sistine Chapel, like I was—
Landeman
I heard correctly. What, you were at the Sistine Chapel—you—to
sing?
Dufausset
What?
Landeman
To sing, I say.
Dufausset (aside)
To sing. He wants me to sing again. (aloud) Right, right. (singing)
Goodbye, remain chaste—
Pascarel
Enough.
Dufausset
Alright.
Landeman (low to Pascarel)
He said “Right.” Did you hear?
Pascarel
Yes, I won't dwell on it, poor boy.
Dufausset
To get back to the Sistine Chapel—you know, doubtless, that the
singers are—(makes a snipping motion)
Pascarel (sympathetically)
Yes,, we know, we know.
Dufausset
Well, you can't possibly imagine the intensity of the harmony
released by such pure voices in congregation. They sing as if they
shared one soul.
Pascarel
They sing from memory, understood!
Dufausset
Oh, evidently.
Landeman
And, what gave a young buck like you the idea of joining them?
Dufausset
Well, my word. You know what it's like. I was in Rome. I already
had a bit of the spleen. I'd just learned that my mistress, who'd sworn
to love me forever, had just run off with a Neapolitan dentist.
Pascarel
I see. It was from despair in love.
Dufausset
Put yourself in my place.
Pascarel
Thanks.
Dufausset
You understand my mood. To divert myself, I set to wandering the
streets of Rome. Alone, discouraged, disgusted with life and women—
Landeman
Yes, yes.
Dufausset
Suddenly, I saw before me the Sistine Chapel. Well, for a man who
is quite alone, in Rome, with the spleen and one mistress the less—it
was a great comfort.
Pascarel
Middling—
Dufausset
I shouted to myself: My word, Heaven is pointing the way. Let's go
into the Sistine Chapel.
Pascarel
Just like that? Go on!
Landeman
Do you deny the vocation?
Dufausset
Ah, I don't regret it.
Pascarel
Never?
Dufausset
Never! I can say that I found there one of the greatest shocks in
my life.
Landeman
I believe you.
Dufausset (to Landeman)
No sooner had I entered, sir, than I felt myself drawn to all those
singers with heavenly voices—unearthly. (to Pascarel) I was no longer
a man, sir. I was—ah, I can't say what I was.
Pascarel
Don't try. (aside) Poor boy!
Dufausset (to Landeman)
Believe me when I tell you that I wept at that moment like a calf.
Landeman
Doubtless the perspective of boiled beef.
Dufausset
It, it was ecstasy—to such a degree that I didn't even pay any
attention to what was happening to me there.
Pascarel
How Spartan.
Dufausset
All the same, I will never forget it. (singing in a high pitched
voice)
O salutaris hostia—
Pascarel
That's all there is to it?
Dufausset
That gives you only a weak idea.
Pascarel (taking him aside)
Say! I thought you were paying court to Mrs. Landeman?
Dufausset (horrified)
I wasn't taken with the product.
Landeman (taking him aside)
Say, imagine, I was convinced you were cultivating Mrs. Pascarel?
Dufausset
Ah, so, they're passing information.
Landeman and Pascarel (each shaking his hand)
Oh, poor friend.
Pascarel
And now, I'll again write to the Opera. You will try to be
brilliant. Anyway, it matters little to me now that I have the secret.
Shall we try, Landeman?
Landeman
Let's try, Pascarel.
(Pascarel and Landeman wave their handkerchiefs together.)
Pascarel Landeman
Cuckoo, there he is. One eyed snail, Cuckoo, there he is. Show me
Cuckoo, there he is. Your horns.
Dufausset
Huh—ah! Ah, no, thanks, not all the time. As for me, I've had
enough.
Pascarel
You're right. It's better to save it for an important occasion.
(aside) All the same, poor lad. (aloud) Landeman, let's go send our
little—
Landeman
Let's go, Pascarel.
(Landeman and Pascarel go out left.)
Dufausset
Oh, yes, I've had enough of it. I was caught yesterday. But I won't
be caught again. (singing) Goodbye, remain chaste and pure. (speaking)
It's true, I have a voice. And, to think, I've reached the age of
twenty-four without knowing it. (singing) Goodbye, remain chaste and
pure. (speaking) This morning at five o'clock as was agreed—after a
quiet night—or almost because I had a nightmare. I dreamed of a
hippopotamus. At five o'clock, I leapt out of bed and went to the
greenhouse. I told myself she would come, I'd wait for her. Well, I
waited and waited, until eight o'clock. I ask you—if she had no
intention of coming, there was no need to tire her husband and the
other one with shaking their handkerchiefs.
Marthe (coming from the back)
Ah, there you are, sir.
Dufausset
I was just about to say the same thing of you, madame.
Marthe
You think it's nice to keep women waiting?
Dufausset
Now, that's a bit much.
Marthe
An hour, sir. I waited an hour. Perhaps I would have waited longer
without Sweetie Pie.
Dufausset
Sweetie Pie? Ah, yes, the fat one.
Marthe
Ah, yes. Sweetie Pie, who showed up as three struck in the
greenhouse, under the pretext she had a toothache which prevented her
from sleeping. So, to save appearances, I told her my neuralgia was
bothering me, and we both strode up and down. Finally, she didn't seem
to intend to go, and she advised me to go to bed—and I went to avoid
arousing suspicions.
Dufausset
As to the others, madame, three hours for me. Three hours, I
waited. That's not one hour.
Marthe
You waited for me? You?
Dufausset
Right.
Marthe
In the greenhouse?
Dufausset
Yes, in the greenhouse. I assume there's not more than one!
Marthe
Bordelais, get out!
Dufausset
Ah, why, I assure you, you plan to put all the wrongs on my side.
Marthe
It's you who want to claim the credit—
Pascarel (coming in from the left)
Well! Well! What's wrong with you?
Marthe
Nothing, we're having an argument.
Dufausset
You see, Madame accuses me—
Marthe
Ah, indeed, here, let's take Mr. Pascarel for judge. Here's the
general situation. A lady gives a gentleman a rendezvous, right? Well,
that gentleman thinks it's is good taste, after having solicited the
aforesaid rendezvous, not to show up.
Pascarel
Well, that gentleman is a churl.
Marthe
There!
Dufausset
Ah, excuse me, yes. But, when it's the woman who—
Pascarel
Never mind! The man is always wrong. So, supposing my wife—I can
say this to you because you're of no consequence—supposing my wife
gave you a rendezvous, you don't go, you're a churl. As for me, the
husband, I feel grateful to you, but you are a churl all the same. Ah,
then, by the way, what were you talking about?
Marthe
Why, on the subject of a lady Mr. Dufausset knew quite well and who
had a weakness—
Pascarel
Ah, a lady, a married woman. Ah, that's really funny. And the name
of the husband?
Marthe
Ah, that—no, no—I can't tell you that.
Pascarel
I won't repeat it.
Marthe (aside)
I should think not—heavens! (moves away)
Pascarel (aside)
After all, I know who it is. Poor Landeman. Ah, these husbands,
what characters, totally blind. (aloud) And this is your rendezvous.
Ah, Lucky Amadine. I understand why you gave it up. (aside) In your
condition.
Marthe
Go, you are condemned.
(Pascarel and Marthe leave together.)
Dufausset
Ah, no—no. That's too much. I'm right, and I've been wronged. They
want to put me down and make scenes. Ah, no!
(Amadine comes in from the back, forcing Dufausset to pirouette around.)
Amadine
Ah, there you are, sir.
Dufausset
Ho! Good! The other one now.
Amadine
You're a fine sort, you are.
Dufausset
What? What's wrong? (aside) You can never tell what she wants, this
wacko here!
Amadine
What's wrong? What's wrong? (tapping his head) Ah, really, what
have you got in there?
Dufausset
I could really ask her the same question, for heaven's sake.
Amadine
I'd like to believe the clock was off the correct time.
Dufausset (between his teeth)
The most off of the two is not the one you think.
Amadine
What's a clock do when it strikes three o'clock.
Dufausset
It goes ding, ding, ding. (aside) I tell you, they ought to lock
her up. (aloud) No, why, as if I were to take a course in clock-making,
you know.
(Dufausset moves away. Amadine grabs him by the arm and yanks him back.)
Amadine
What were you doing, sir, tonight at three o'clock?
Dufausset
At three o'clock? What was I doing at three o'clock? I was
sleeping.
Amadine
You were sleeping? He dared to sleep at three o'clock.
Dufausset
I should say it's the proper time—I was even dreaming.
Amadine
Enough! Don't dare to try to make me believe you were dreaming of
me.
Dufausset
No. I dreamt of a hippopotamus. There's a shade of difference.
Amadine
Ah, so, not even! You weren't even dreaming of me. Well, while you
prefer hippopotamuses, I was waiting up for you, I was.
Dufausset
Yes, that's what they just told me. A violent toothache.
Amadine
Ah! Bah! Pretext. I was sitting up for you, I tell you. What
response have you to that?
Dufausset
Christ! It's not my fault. (aside) What a grump she is when she
hasn't slept
Amadine
Yes, sir, it is your fault, and I paced back and forth like a
goose! (moves away from him)
Dufausset
Ah, excuse me.
Amadine
Yes, sir, like a goose! Don't contradict me. It's not polite.
Dufausset
Ah, if you like, a goose.
Amadine
Good, insult me! Now, the insult after the scorn.
(Amadine sits down near the desk.)
Dufausset
Why, in the end she bores me.
Amadine (bursting out)
Ah, Dufausset, Dufausset, you've already had enough of me. You
scorn me.
Dufausset
Why, no. No, indeed, not at all. (aside) What a warming pan [bore].
(aloud) Look, you didn't get any sleep. Well, I know that's very
boring.
Amadine
Alas!
Dufausset
But, it won't be a problem. I know. It happened to me, too.
Amadine (with a ray of joy, rising)
Really! Dufausset, it happened to you, too? (aside) Ah, he still
loves me.
Dufausset
Why, yes. One is restless, one turns from side to side.
Amadine
Yes, yes.
Dufausset
It's too hot. One's skin burns. One turns one's pillow, and then,
one ends by getting up.
Amadine
That's it, exactly.
Dufausset
Well, I know what it is. It's the coffee. You mustn't take coffee
at night.
Amadine
Coffee! Oh! Infamy!
Dufausset
It had the same effect on my landlady in Bordeaux.
Amadine
Oh, heavens! I hate you.
(Amadine leaves by the rear.)
Dufausset
Ah, you, huh? (aside) What's wrong with her? Ah, no, she isn't
wicked, but her head's got a screw loose.
Marthe (coming from the left)
You're still here, sir?
Dufausset
Ah, madame, let's have an explanation.
Marthe
It's unnecessary. Mr. Pascarel, who is not interested in the
matter, has already told you what you are.
Dufausset
But, I assure you that I have nothing to reproach myself with. I
arrived in the greenhouse precisely at five o'clock and you weren't
there.
Marthe
Nothing surprising in that! Three hours late! If that is what you
call being on time. Why did you come at five when I gave you a
rendezvous at two?
Dufausset
Excuse me? No, excuse, me, at five.
Marthe
At two. Look, you know quite well it was two.
Dufausset
Ah, no, indeed, at five! I know that quite well, too. I counted the
marks.
Marthe
Then, it's because you don't know how to count.
Dufausset
Or that you don't know how to mark.
Marthe
I only made two strokes.
Dufausset
Two on one, yes, and three on the other which made five.
Marthe
On what other?
Dufausset
Three on Landeman and two on Pascarel.
Marthe
Excuse me, I didn't mark Landeman.
Dufausset
He didn't get all those strokes by himself.
Marthe
He must have rubbed some white stuff on himself somehow, against a
wall.
Dufausset
A wall which marks very carefully.
Marthe
What do you want me to tell you? I only put two lines.
Dufausset
Really?
Marthe
Word of honor.
Dufausset
Then, I remain slow-witted. Let's cry out on the prodigy and
receive my apologies.
Marthe
I accept them.
Dufausset
And I, who was blaming you.
Marthe
And as for me, perhaps you thought I'd missed it.
Dufausset
Ah, Amadine, my Amadine.
Marthe (flouncing away)
He calls me Amadine.
Dufausset
Yes, Amadine, my Amadine.
Marthe
Again! Why, don't you see you are putting your foot in it?
Dufausset
I'm putting my foot in it? Me? Why so?
Marthe
Yes, why? Why do you call me Amadine?
Dufausset
Why, because that name is sweet to me. Because I love it, my
Amadine.
Marthe
He admits—he admits it. And, it's to me he's just said it.
Dufausset
Damn! To whom should I say it?
Marthe
Ah, go away from me. This is infamous. Leave!
Dufausset
Leave? Me? When I want to spend my life at your feet? Here I am on
my knees. (drops to his knees)
(Pascarel comes in from the left and stops, glued to the spot.)
Pascarel
Ah!
Marthe
My husband! Why, get up!
Dufausset (indifferent, seeing Pascarel)
Ah, that doesn't signify. He knows, he knows.
Marthe
Huh?
Landeman (coming in)
Huh! Dufausset, at Mrs. Pascarel's feet. Why, he doesn't see
Pascarel. (flustered, to Dufausset while trying to shield him from
Pascarel) Idiot, get up.
Dufausset (rising)
The husband—caught.
Landeman
Indeed, yes, the husband. You are mad. Don't you see that Pascarel
can see you?
Dufausset
Ah, it's not because Pascarel can see me that—
Landeman (to Pascarel)
You mustn't believe what you've seen, you know. It's the air.
(aside) Oh, the reckless young man!
Pascarel (bursting into laughter)
Oh, leave it alone. It's really good, the escapee from The Chapel.
(going to Dufausset) Hey, little humbug.
(Pascarel taps Dufausset and moves away. Marthe also moves away.)
Landeman
Ah, fine. It's a nice arrangement.
Marthe (to Pascarel)
Ah, my friend, you're not going to imagine—
Pascarel
Why, since I'm laughing over it—
Dufausset (to Landeman)
At least you don't believe all that—that I love your wife, you
know.
Landeman
Heavens, go on!
Dufausset
I admit that appearances are against me. But, to save the
situation, it's his wife I love.
Landeman
Ah, but, you know, there's no need to tell me that. The thing's
obvious.
Dufausset
And, if you saw me at madame's knees, it's to distract Pascarel's
suspicions.
Landeman
Funny way of accomplishing it, for goodness' sake.
Marthe (to Pascarel)
Well, do you want to know, your calm wounds me more than your
anger.
Pascarel
I tell you, I am calm because I know he's not dangerous.
Amadine (coming in from the rear and going to her husband)
Ah, no, no! I won't swallow any coffee.
Dufausset (aside)
She! Its heaven that sent her. (going to Pascarel) You know, I told
you in advance, your wife, I don't care a rap for her.
Pascarel
Huh?
Dufausset
Only, I ask your pardon for what I'm going to do. It's to save
appearances. (jumping on Amadine's neck) Ah, Marthe, Marthe, I love
you.
Amadine
Ah! My God!
Landeman
Huh! My wife!
Amadine
You are mad. My husband—
Dufausset
Don't be afraid. I told him in advance.
Landeman
Sir, why, you're losing your head.
Dufausset
I told you already, I told him. (to Amadine) Ah, Marthe, you are
beautiful.
Amadine
Marthe! He calls me Marthe. My name is Amadine, sir. (flounces off)
Dufausset
Huh! What do you mean, Amadine? Amadine—is madame?
Marthe (disdainfully flouncing away)
My name is Marthe, sir. Marthe Pascarel.
Dufausset
Huh! Marthe Pasca—Marthe Pascarel, that's you? And, Amadine—is—
whereas—ah, what a mess.
Marthe and Amadine (with scorn)
Phooey!
(Marthe and Amadine flounce out, to the right and the left. Landeman and Pascarel burst into laughter at the piteous face of Dufausset.)
Landeman and Pascarel
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Dufausset
Ah, gentlemen, I assure you, believe that—
Pascarel (pointing to the door Marthe left by)
Ah, why continue, my dear friend? It's all the same to me about
you.
Landeman (following Pascarel, laughing)
Go on, go on. We are not jealous!
(Landeman and Pascarel go out left.)
Dufausset
There's nothing to say. They're mocking me. (sitting down) I don't
get it. So many switches in two days. First, they present me a fat
Marthe and an exquisite Amadine—and the exquisite Amadine becomes the
exquisite Marthe. The wife of Pascarel becomes the wife of the other
guy, while the wife of the other guy becomes—this is too difficult to
comprehend. (rising) They must themselves be deceived. It's impossible!
Or rather, it's a shell game. But, there, I don't know—to whom did I
pay court? Which husband was I on the point of deceiving? Who is the
ninny to watch out for? Yet, what kind of husbands are these? Ah,
perhaps it's a community of wives—free exchange in marriage. Ah, well,
there's progress.
Lambert (at the rear)
Hello, Mr. Dufausset.
Dufausset
There, hello, it's you. I thank you. Things aren't going so badly.
Lambert
Ah, so much the better. Are you well?
Dufausset
Why, I just told you.
Lambert
It's true. You just told me, but I didn't ask you.
Dufausset
Right. It's amazing how stupid you seem when someone doesn't ask
you how you are and you reply. Thanks, not bad, and you?
Lambert
Happily, that happens all the time. You haven't seen Mr. Pascarel?
Dufausset
He left me just now. (singing) Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Lambert
You are ill? Would you like some gum?
Dufausset
Thanks, I'm practicing my voice.
Pascarel (coming in from the left)
They told us you were here, my dear Lambert. I've come hastily to
shake your hand and bring you your fiancée, even though I'm writing an
important letter. Is your mother well, your sister?
Lambert
I don't have one.
Pascarel
In that case, so much the better.
Julie (coming in from the left)
Hello, Mr. Lambert.
Lambert (going to Julie)
I am going to say that to you, Miss.
Julie (twisting her tongue)
Are you well?
Lambert (monkeying her)
Why, one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Very well.
Pascarel
Come on, kids, I'm leaving you. (to Dufausset) My dear boy, make
yourself useful. In your situation one can ask that of you. These two
are fiancés. They need to be left to their getting acquainted. But, at
the same time, it is customary not to abandon them completely to
themselves. That's custom, that's etiquette. You are going to watch
over them, for the form, taking care not to disturb them, by striding
up and down here, without meddling in the conversation, so as not to
disturb their privacy.
Dufausset
Come, here I am good for children, as well as adults.
(Pascarel goes out by the back. Dufausset marches back and forth like a sentry.)
Julie
Well, nothing new?
Lambert
Nothing. I'm waiting to find the best way to tackle it. Until then,
we will continue to dissimulate.
Julie
As for me, I don't dare tell daddy. I prefer that it come from your
side.
Lambert
That's like me with my mother. I'd prefer it came from you.
Dufausset
I must seem like a tough character
Julie
It's evident you don't have what it takes to be my husband.
(Dufausset tosses off some tunes from time to time.)
Lambert
I'm like you. I recognize you are very nice, but you're not my type
at all.
Julie
First of all, your nose is too long.
Lambert
As for me, I don't like blondes.
Dufausset
They're getting to know each other all the same.
Julie
And then, I don't like painters. You can't touch them without
getting covered with paint.
Lambert
Well, as for me, being a painter, I only like fast women, because
with them you can be sure of finding paint.
Julie (flouncing at first)
Oh, oh, you said hookers.
Lambert
Pardon me, I should have twisted my tongue.
Julie
Oh, no, it's all right with me. I'm not supposed to know what that
means.
Dufausset (tuning up)
Ah, do, re, me—
Lambert
Say, tell me, why's that fellow prancing up and down like that?
He's not making you feel sick is he?
Julie
Oh, poor boy. It's because he's jealous. He thinks I have to marry
you, and he loves me. He does. He let me infer everything.
Lambert
Come on, well, and you?
Julie
He, gosh—he doesn't displease me.
Lambert
Then, let him infer everything, too.
Julie
What, in front of you?
Lambert
Oh, as for me, I could care less. I won't listen.
Julie
After all, it's only to reassure him. One has not the right to let
him suffer to such a degree when we can ease his pain. (to Dufausset)
Psst!
Dufausset (stopping)
Pardon? Was that for me?
Lambert
Yes, come on, come on.
(Dufausset goes to Julie while Lambert takes up Dufausset's patrol.)
Dufausset
You are calling me, miss?
Julie
Yes. I wanted to reassure you. You are on pins and needles. Well,
calm down, sir. Mr. Lambert, that everyone thinks is my fiancé, will
never be my husband.
Dufausset
What's that?
Lambert (marching by, without stopping)
No, never, never!
Dufausset
But, why are you telling me this?
Julie
Why, because, because after your confession, I don't have the right
to amuse myself in such a cruel way which must make you suffer so.
Dufausset
Huh?
Julie
I'm no coquette—and I think it's wrong when you know someone
has—has sympathy for you—to take pleasure in showering him with
pretended disdain and needless trials which are only intended to
torment him.
Dufausset
Heavens! Heavens! Heavens!
Julie
Then, I really noticed how much you were in anger. You've been
stamping around for the last five minutes. I'm perhaps wrong to speak
to you this way. Mrs. Landeman always told me: “In love you must let it
come.” But in short, you were the one who took the first steps—and I
can go ahead a little now in my turn.
Dufausset (aside)
Why, she's charming—and here I was, not paying attention. (aloud)
Is it possible, miss, that you are speaking to me in this way?
Lambert (humming)
Ah, the boots, the boots, the boots, he's got the boots—
Dufausset
And to admit, miss, to being so blind as to come into this house
and not fall immediately in love with your charms.
Julie
Yes, but, that wasn't your case—
Dufausset
Me!
Julie (to Lambert)
It's rather you who should be saying that! Gothcha!
Lambert
No personalities, if you please.
Julie (to Dufausset)
Oh, no, that's not your situation, for you really saw everything
right away. Just as you confessed your feelings to me.
Dufausset
Me? I did—when?
Julie
Ah, he doesn't remember any more. Why, here! When you were enraged
against father—you said: “Ah, I'd be the biggest fool going if I
weren't kept here by the charms of a young person.” So, I understood.
Did you say it, yes or no?
Dufausset
Yes, yes, but, I really think that I said it—and I am not unsaying
it. I repeat, I love you.
Julie
Will you want me to say that to you? But, really.
Dufausset
She's delicious. (falling to his knees) Ah, Julie.
Pascarel (coming from the rear)
Goodness! There you are again on the ground. He was made to be a
cripple.
Dufausset
Ah, sir—love.
Pascarel
No, don't remain at my feet.
Dufausset
No. I was saying: “Love is an immediate feeling.” An instant
sufficed to render me madly taken with Miss Julie.
Pascarel
Huh! What's he saying to me now? What, it's he who? (to Lambert who
is still marching up and down) Well, and you—what the devil are you
doing?
Lambert (without interrupting his patrol)
You see, I relieved the watch. (keeps marching)
Pascarel
Ah, indeed. You have a fine way of paying court.
Dufausset
Ah, sir, you're my father's friend, you won't reject me. I have the
honor of asking for the hand of your daughter.
Pascarel
Huh! What—you? (huffing) Come on, look, don't talk silly nonsense.
Dufausset
Why's that?
Julie
Oh, daddy, be nice. After all, you want me to marry. I understand.
That's for your sake, but in marrying me, you give me a husband, that's
for my sake. Well, let me pick him.
Pascarel (laughing)
No, no, Julie. I can't tell you, but—Ah, this is very rich. (going
to Dufausset) Sistine Chapel, go on!
Dufausset
What's making him laugh like that?
Landeman (at the back)
Pascarel, ah, there you are. Here, read this!
Pascarel (laughing)
A newspaper. Ah, fine, later. Imagine, no, you'll never guess.
Dufausset is asking me for Julie's hand.
Landeman
Really! Him? That's so rich. (to Lambert as he march back and
forth) Ah, that's really rich.
Lambert (chiming in)
It must be rich—it must be really rich.
Julie
Ah, decidedly, father doesn't like him.
Lambert (sobering up)
And no, enough laughing like that. Read me this.
(Lambert and Julie stand aside.)
Pascarel (still laughing)
What is this? What? “The engagement is announced.” Ah, this is too
much. (to Dufausset) Read that.
(Pascarel hands the paper to Dufausset.)
Dufausset (reading)
“The engagement is announced of the famous tenor Duyeton by the
Paris Opera at a salary of six thousand francs a month.” Well, I'm
screwed.
Pascarel
Ah, you're screwed! That's good. You owe me forty thousand francs.
Dufausset
Me?
Pascarel
The penalty.
Dufausset
The penalty? What penalty? Why, I am not leaving you.
Pascarel
You cannot remain with me and be at the Opera at the same time.
Dufausset
But, I'm not going to the Opera. I am not Duyeton.
Landeman
Huh?
Pascarel
What do you mean you're not—? Then, what are you doing here?
Sponging?
Dufausset
Ah, sir!
Pascarel
Why, didn't you tell me your name was Dufausset?
Dufausset
Yes, Dufausset, not Duyeton.
Pascarel
Duyeton's the stage name. Didn't you explain to me that you were
the natural son of Dufausset?
Dufausset
Me, the natural son? Well, say, where'd you get that notion?
Pascarel
Well, it was you. And then, Dufausset has only one son.
Dufausset
Well, I didn't say I had a brother. That son is me!
Pascarel
What? You're the kid who, when he was thirteen, was only this high?
Why, then, say, aren't you a tenor?
Dufausset
As for me, I don't know how to sing.
Pascarel
And you engineered this! Ah, that's too much. What—I asked
Dufausset to hire a tenor for me and he substituted his son.
Dufausset
My father sent me to Paris to study law, but he didn't mention
being a tenor. All he did was recommend me to you. I have the letter in
my trunk. You right away offered me an extraordinary pension. I
accepted because I am informal.
Pascarel
Well, and my telegram?
Dufausset
As far as I know my father never got one.
Pascarel
Tiburce!
Tiburce (entering from the rear)
Sir!
Pascarel
The telegram I gave you the other day?
Tiburce
Oh, I have it here, sir.
Pascarel
Not yet sent? How poorly they manage the administration.
Tiburce
You want it, sir?
Pascarel
Eh, no, tear it up, idiot.
Tiburce
You are rather hard on the telegram.
Dufausset
Not surprising that my father didn't receive it. And now, I again
ask you for the hand of your daughter.
Pascarel
Ah, as to that, no—for goodness' sake.
Dufausset
What fault have you to find with me?
Pascarel
What—after you sang at the Sistine Chapel?
Dufausset
Who? Me?
Landeman (coming back)
That's what you said.
Dufausset
I said I was there, not that I sang there. Ah, you are funny, you
are.
Marthe (coming in from the right)
What's happening now? Why, this—
Dufausset
Ah, madame, intercede for me with Mr. Pascarel, so he'll grant me
Miss Julie's hand.
Amadine (coming in from the left)
Huh?
Marthe
Ah, excuse me, I am opposed—
Dufausset (low to Marthe)
Oh, madame, you are going to flatter me by making me think you're
jealous.
Marthe
Me, jealous? You are really dumb. (to Pascarel) After all, she's
your daughter, Mr. Pascarel.
Pascarel
But, allow me—my daughter is promised to Mr. Lambert.
Lambert
My God, Mr. Pascarel, I am very honored, but Julie loves this
gentleman—and you mustn't contradict feelings. I ask for the hand of
your second daughter.
Pascarel
I don't have one.
Lambert
I'm in no hurry.
Pascarel
Come, Dufausset, I don't say no. I will consider.
Amadine
And to think, I have no say on the subject—the rascal.
Pascarel
Ah, why, indeed. You owe me an explanation, I caught you at my
wife's feet.
Dufausset
Hush! Yes, it was to play a practical joke on Mr. Landeman. I had a
whim for his wife.
Landeman (low to Dufausset)
Say, old boy, why did you allow yourself to kiss my wife? I haven't
said anything because I thought—
Dufausset
Shh! It was to divert Pascarel's suspicions.
Landeman
Really? In that case, everything's okay.
Pascarel
Come, everything is for the best. All the same, I haven't had any
luck with my tenor—still it would serve me as a lesson. Look, my
friends, when you buy turnips or you engage a tenor—always ask to see
the merchandise first. You never know when you're going to get a pig in
a poke.
CURTAIN