PASTE

Dramatized from a story by Henry James

Etext by Dagny
  • Scene I.
  • Scene II.
  • Scene III.
  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
    Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
    performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
    audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
    or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
    Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
    frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

    By Frank J. Morlock
    C 1985


    CHARACTERS:

    Arthur Bradshaw, a poor clergyman

    Charlotte, his cousin

    Violet Grey, her friend


    Scene I.

    Arthur Bradshaw is a young clergyman of a very stiff and formal bearing. He is talking to his vivacious cousin Charlotte in the rectory of his church. There are some boxes and jewelry on the table.

    Arthur
    Mother left a lot of junk, Charlotte. But, they're things I wish you'd look at. You see what it is—old stuff from when mother (with evident distaste) was on the stage. Take what you like.

    Charlotte (rummaging through some scarves and old jewelry)
    They look funny.

    Arthur
    They look awful! Cheap gilt—diamonds as big as walnuts.

    Charlotte
    I always thought it was fascinating, your mother being on the stage when she was young.

    Arthur
    It was an episode in her life better forgotten.

    Charlotte (still rummaging about)
    Isn't it unusual for an actress to marry a clergyman?

    Arthur
    I don't think it happens very often. I don't approve of the theatre, you know, Charlotte. There's so much immorality portrayed there. In fact, I preached a sermon against it a few weeks ago.

    Charlotte (trying on some earrings)
    What did Aunt Alice say about that?

    Arthur
    Oh, she started on about Shakespeare and all that. But I explained to her that it wasn't Shakespeare I was against, but some of these modern writers who seem to think that the stage is the place for titillation and that sort of thing and she quite agreed.

    Charlotte
    Look at these diamonds. I wish they were real. These days actresses have real diamonds.

    Arthur
    The least talented usually have the largest ones.

    Charlotte
    You think so? Why?

    Arthur
    Oh, because they have stage door johnnies who'll do that for them. A form of prostitution, I think, by a nicer name.

    Charlotte
    I never knew she had stuff like this. She's always dressed so simply and elegantly. She was a perfect minister's wife.

    Arthur (unconscious of the possible irony)
    I always thought Mother played the part of minister's wife superbly. She was perfect for my father.

    Charlotte
    Her greatest role?

    Arthur
    Yes. I suppose it was. She loved father very much and she always wanted to do what was right.

    Charlotte
    It must have been quite an adjustment for her. From leading a carefree life as an actress to being transformed into a poor clergyman's wife, overnight as it were.

    Arthur
    Actresses were more respectable in those days.

    Charlotte
    Certainly, but life was a little more Bohemian nonetheless. Aunt Alice was a remarkable woman.

    Arthur
    I've always thought so. She never mentioned the theatre much although she always made sure we went to see Shakespeare whenever we could and made us know him, too. I find he makes very good quotes in my sermons.

    Charlotte
    I like these pearls.

    Arthur
    Please, take them as a souvenir of her.

    Charlotte
    Where did you find them?

    Arthur
    I think she had forgotten all about them. I'm sure my father didn't know about them. They were in an old hatbox in the attic. She probably intended to throw them out.

    Charlotte
    Are you sure they're not worth something? They're rather heavy.

    Arthur
    If they'd been worth anything to speak of mother would have sold them long ago. They had to struggle on next to nothing for years and weren't in a position to keep anything of real value. And if they are worth something, you're more than welcome to them.

    Charlotte
    It's very nice of you. (impulsively she kisses him) Thank you, cousin Arthur. I love them!

    Arthur (not used to demonstrations of affection)
    Humph! I'm glad you do. (straightens his tie, blushing) I'd better be going, Charlotte. Perhaps I might see you next week.

    Charlotte
    You're always welcome. Arthur, before you go, these pearls, are you sure they're not valuable?

    Arthur
    A few dollars.

    Charlotte
    Not more?

    Arthur
    Not if they're paste.

    Charlotte
    But, are they paste?

    Arthur
    Pearls that size? If they were real, they'd be worth a fortune.

    Charlotte
    But, that's what I'm afraid of. I couldn't take them if they were valuable.

    Arthur
    Do you think for a moment that they're real?

    Charlotte
    I'm no expert, but hadn't you ought to make sure?

    Arthur
    They were just stuck away with trash.

    Charlotte
    I admit, it isn't likely. Still—

    Arthur
    Besides, where would she get them?

    Charlotte
    Couldn't they have been a present?

    Arthur (hotly)
    A present! Think what you're saying! My mother would never, at any time in her life— She wasn't the sort to accept presents like that from men, and—and—

    Charlotte
    Well, some girls would feel that if a man was silly enough to give them to her, she would be a fool not to accept them.

    Arthur
    My mother wasn't “some girl.” I mean, she was above reproach. It's just costume jewelry.

    Charlotte (placatingly)
    If it were not?

    Arthur
    If it were not, and she had kept it hidden all these years, then—

    Charlotte
    Then?

    Arthur
    It would be unthinkable. It's impossible, that's all. Not my mother!

    BLACKOUT


    Scene II.

    Charlotte's apartment. Some time later. Charlotte is talking with Violet Grey, an actress.

    Violet
    I appreciate your letting me wear them to the party. I was a big success. But, where did you get them?

    Charlotte
    By inheritance.

    Violet (whistling)
    Family jewels!

    Charlotte
    They belonged to my Aunt Alice who died recently. She was an actress like you for several years, ever so long ago. Then she married Uncle Goodwin who was a clergyman and gave it all up.

    Violet
    I would, too, if someone would give me something like this. No such luck.

    Charlotte
    Oh, Uncle Goodwin didn't give them to her. She had them before that. Poor Uncle would never give anything like that, so gaudy.

    Violet
    And, she gave them to you?

    Charlotte
    No, her son gave them to me to remember her by. She was a dear kind thing.

    Violet
    He's a dear kind thing.

    Charlotte
    You think so? Arthur is my cousin, but he's a miser.

    Violet
    Really? I'm amazed, then.

    Charlotte
    Arthur is very odd. He's a clergyman, too, like Uncle Goodwin. I find it hard to like him. I know he likes me. I think he'd like to marry me. But, he can't bring himself to even hint at it; it wouldn't be proper. And then, he's such a pinch penny with money. You know, he's been more or less courting me for several years and this is the only gift he's ever given me.

    Violet
    I shouldn't complain if I were you. I wish I had such a cousin. Every girl should have one.

    Charlotte
    What do you mean?

    Violet
    Really, don't you know?

    Charlotte
    The pearls?

    Violet
    Doesn't he know?

    Charlotte
    They're not paste?

    Violet
    Haven't you looked at them?

    Charlotte
    Are they real?

    Violet
    Don't you know about pearls?

    Charlotte
    How could I? Do you?

    Violet
    Everything.

    Charlotte
    They're valuable?

    Violet
    They're worth a fortune.

    Charlotte
    Are you sure?

    Violet
    Sure? What kind of an idiot do you take me for?

    Charlotte
    But, my cousin thinks they're worthless.

    Violet
    Your cousin is an ass. But, if he gave them to you—what does it matter what he thinks?

    Charlotte
    Well, I'd have to give them back.

    Violet
    I don't see that—if he was such a fool. He took the risk.

    Charlotte
    He was probably too cheap to have them appraised. But, he insisted they were worthless, even after I pointed out to him—

    Violet
    Well, then!

    Charlotte
    He thought they couldn't be valuable because they shouldn't be.

    Violet
    Why shouldn't they be? I don't understand.

    Charlotte
    Why, how would she have gotten them?

    Violet
    Do you mean they're stolen?

    Charlotte
    Oh, not that. But, you see, she was a minor actress. A comedienne, in fact.

    Violet
    Oh, well, that explains it.

    Charlotte
    But, she wasn't a good actress. She never made money that way.

    Violet
    Pretty or ugly?

    Charlotte
    Decidedly pretty. She played Ophelia once.

    Violet
    Well, then! That's the kind that always get them. Take my word.

    Charlotte
    But, that's just what Arthur rejects. You see, he's a clergyman, too. He's very straight-laced. He can't stand the idea of his mother having accepted gifts like that from stage door johnnies or whatever they were called in those days.

    Violet
    Because a man wouldn't have given it to her for nothing, eh? Well, I hope she wasn't the type to take a gift like that and give nothing in return. I despise that type.

    Charlotte
    He thinks it's a polite euphemism for prostitution.

    Violet
    Your cousin really is a prude, even for a minister.

    Charlotte
    I think she must have been one, sort of, or she wouldn't have kept it from us.

    Violet
    Fancy being ashamed of these!

    Charlotte
    Aunt Alice was discreet. She married Uncle Goodwin very suddenly. She said he swept her off her feet. You know, she always seemed to be on especially good behavior, as if she was trying to make up to him for something—although I don't think he ever had the slightest suspicion that she felt that way. If would be awful to expose her secret.

    Violet
    There's no need for you to.

    Charlotte
    But, I really can't keep them.

    Violet
    Where's the difficulty? You have only to be silent and you protect your poor cousin and his sainted mother from this unhappy discovery. Being worldly sometimes is best for everyone.

    Charlotte
    And keep it? I'd feel like a thief. How can I ever keep it?

    Violet
    I'm of the opinion it's much too valuable for you to keep. You can easily sell it.

    Charlotte
    I have the misfortune of being terribly honest. If I don't return them, I'm a thief.

    Violet
    If you do, you're a goose.

    Charlotte
    Well, then, I'm a goose.

    Violet
    Let me help you out. I like them. What will you take for them?

    Charlotte
    You'll have to talk to my cousin.

    Violet
    I'll do that if you want to be such a fool. Look at them. The man who gave these to a woman was wildly in love. They're things of passion. Sell them to me and split it with Arthur if you like.

    Charlotte
    I'll have to think about it.

    BLACKOUT


    Scene III.

    Same as Scene II. A few days later. Arthur is talking with Charlotte.

    Arthur
    I told you it was all nonsense. I had them appraised at two of the best jewelers in the city and they're all rotten paste.

    Charlotte
    And Violet was so certain they were real that she wanted to buy them.

    Arthur
    Your friend cost me a pretty penny to have them appraised with her folly.

    Charlotte
    I'm sorry, Arthur. I know how little you have and how hard it is to make ends meet on your living. But I just couldn't accept them thinking they were valuable.

    Arthur
    Oh, I don't blame you. It's the slur on my mother.

    Charlotte
    I'm sorry, Arthur. I know how sensitive you are about that.

    Arthur
    Being a clergyman in a small town isn't easy. Respectability is important. Not to mention the fact that I loved my mother.

    Charlotte
    Poor Arthur.

    Arthur
    Believe me, I think your honesty is very praiseworthy. In fact, it touches me deeply. I would like to say that—

    Charlotte (cutting him off, afraid of a declaration of love)
    That's neither here nor there. Isn't that a new coat you're wearing?

    Arthur (a little embarrassed)
    Why, yes, it is. I thought it was a little overdue.

    Charlotte
    It looks very nice.

    Arthur
    Thank you. And you are looking—

    Charlotte
    Can I have them back?

    Arthur
    What?

    Charlotte
    My pearls. Since they are not valuable, I can keep them, you see.

    Arthur
    Oh, the pearls. Well, you see, after I had them appraised and spent all that money on worthless things, and thought about my mother's reputation, well, I got angry and I smashed them with a hammer. I know I shouldn't have done it. But, the emotion was just too much for me. I'm sorry.

    Charlotte
    They were such nice pearls.

    Arthur (exhibiting the distress of a miser about to make a gift)
    I—I'd be happy to buy you a new string, if you like. (the effort is killing him)

    Charlotte (seeing the effort it is causing him)
    Oh, that's not necessary.

    (There is a knock at the door. Charlotte, going to the door, opens it to admit Violet Grey who is all decked out and has the pearls on.)

    Charlotte
    Hullo, Violet, you look lovely.

    Arthur
    I'll just be going.

    Violet (looking at Arthur)
    Hello.

    (Arthur is making frantic signs at Violet behind Charlotte's back.)

    Charlotte
    Have you met my cousin Arthur Bradshaw?

    Violet
    Oh, yes.

    Charlotte (noticing the pearls)
    I see you got a set almost like mine.

    Violet
    Where are your eyes, my dear? They are yours.

    Arthur (rushing out)
    I really have to go. I have a very important appointment.

    Charlotte
    Well, I never! Where did you get them?

    Violet
    From Mr. Bradshaw, since you wouldn't sell them to me. I paid him twenty thousand for them and, I assure you, that's cheap.

    Charlotte
    THE BASTARD! He told me he destroyed them with a hammer.

    Violet
    He made me promise not to tell you where I'd got them. Wouldn't sell them to me if I didn't promise. So, of course, I lied.

    Charlotte
    BASTARD!

    Violet
    I think you've hit the truth about your cousin. He admitted to me he'd found some compromising letters to your aunt from some rich chap. He's probably not your Uncle Goodwin's son after all.

    Violet
    And I was feeling sorry for him! No wonder he was so well-dressed. BASTARD!

    Violet
    Just so.


    CURTAIN