Etext by Dagny
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By Frank J. Morlock
C 1985
CHARACTERS:
Arthur Bradshaw, a poor clergyman
Charlotte, his cousin
Violet Grey, her friend
Arthur Bradshaw is a young clergyman of a very stiff and formal bearing. He is talking to his vivacious cousin Charlotte in the rectory of his church. There are some boxes and jewelry on the table.
Arthur
Mother left a lot of junk, Charlotte. But, they're things I wish
you'd look at. You see what it is—old stuff from when mother (with
evident distaste) was on the stage. Take what you like.
Charlotte (rummaging through some scarves and old jewelry)
They look funny.
Arthur
They look awful! Cheap gilt—diamonds as big as walnuts.
Charlotte
I always thought it was fascinating, your mother being on the stage
when she was young.
Arthur
It was an episode in her life better forgotten.
Charlotte (still rummaging about)
Isn't it unusual for an actress to marry a clergyman?
Arthur
I don't think it happens very often. I don't approve of the
theatre, you know, Charlotte. There's so much immorality portrayed
there. In fact, I preached a sermon against it a few weeks ago.
Charlotte (trying on some earrings)
What did Aunt Alice say about that?
Arthur
Oh, she started on about Shakespeare and all that. But I explained
to her that it wasn't Shakespeare I was against, but some of these
modern writers who seem to think that the stage is the place for
titillation and that sort of thing and she quite agreed.
Charlotte
Look at these diamonds. I wish they were real. These days actresses
have real diamonds.
Arthur
The least talented usually have the largest ones.
Charlotte
You think so? Why?
Arthur
Oh, because they have stage door johnnies who'll do that for them.
A form of prostitution, I think, by a nicer name.
Charlotte
I never knew she had stuff like this. She's always dressed so
simply and elegantly. She was a perfect minister's wife.
Arthur (unconscious of the possible irony)
I always thought Mother played the part of minister's wife
superbly. She was perfect for my father.
Charlotte
Her greatest role?
Arthur
Yes. I suppose it was. She loved father very much and she always
wanted to do what was right.
Charlotte
It must have been quite an adjustment for her. From leading a
carefree life as an actress to being transformed into a poor
clergyman's wife, overnight as it were.
Arthur
Actresses were more respectable in those days.
Charlotte
Certainly, but life was a little more Bohemian nonetheless. Aunt
Alice was a remarkable woman.
Arthur
I've always thought so. She never mentioned the theatre much
although she always made sure we went to see Shakespeare whenever we
could and made us know him, too. I find he makes very good quotes in my
sermons.
Charlotte
I like these pearls.
Arthur
Please, take them as a souvenir of her.
Charlotte
Where did you find them?
Arthur
I think she had forgotten all about them. I'm sure my father didn't
know about them. They were in an old hatbox in the attic. She probably
intended to throw them out.
Charlotte
Are you sure they're not worth something? They're rather heavy.
Arthur
If they'd been worth anything to speak of mother would have sold
them long ago. They had to struggle on next to nothing for years and
weren't in a position to keep anything of real value. And if they are
worth something, you're more than welcome to them.
Charlotte
It's very nice of you. (impulsively she kisses him) Thank you,
cousin Arthur. I love them!
Arthur (not used to demonstrations of affection)
Humph! I'm glad you do. (straightens his tie, blushing) I'd better
be going, Charlotte. Perhaps I might see you next week.
Charlotte
You're always welcome. Arthur, before you go, these pearls, are you
sure they're not valuable?
Arthur
A few dollars.
Charlotte
Not more?
Arthur
Not if they're paste.
Charlotte
But, are they paste?
Arthur
Pearls that size? If they were real, they'd be worth a fortune.
Charlotte
But, that's what I'm afraid of. I couldn't take them if they were
valuable.
Arthur
Do you think for a moment that they're real?
Charlotte
I'm no expert, but hadn't you ought to make sure?
Arthur
They were just stuck away with trash.
Charlotte
I admit, it isn't likely. Still—
Arthur
Besides, where would she get them?
Charlotte
Couldn't they have been a present?
Arthur (hotly)
A present! Think what you're saying! My mother would never, at any
time in her life— She wasn't the sort to accept presents like that
from men, and—and—
Charlotte
Well, some girls would feel that if a man was silly enough to give
them to her, she would be a fool not to accept them.
Arthur
My mother wasn't “some girl.” I mean, she was above reproach. It's
just costume jewelry.
Charlotte (placatingly)
If it were not?
Arthur
If it were not, and she had kept it hidden all these years, then—
Charlotte
Then?
Arthur
It would be unthinkable. It's impossible, that's all. Not my
mother!
BLACKOUT
Charlotte's apartment. Some time later. Charlotte is talking with Violet Grey, an actress.
Violet
I appreciate your letting me wear them to the party. I was a big
success. But, where did you get them?
Charlotte
By inheritance.
Violet (whistling)
Family jewels!
Charlotte
They belonged to my Aunt Alice who died recently. She was an
actress like you for several years, ever so long ago. Then she married
Uncle Goodwin who was a clergyman and gave it all up.
Violet
I would, too, if someone would give me something like this. No such
luck.
Charlotte
Oh, Uncle Goodwin didn't give them to her. She had them before
that. Poor Uncle would never give anything like that, so gaudy.
Violet
And, she gave them to you?
Charlotte
No, her son gave them to me to remember her by. She was a dear kind
thing.
Violet
He's a dear kind thing.
Charlotte
You think so? Arthur is my cousin, but he's a miser.
Violet
Really? I'm amazed, then.
Charlotte
Arthur is very odd. He's a clergyman, too, like Uncle Goodwin. I
find it hard to like him. I know he likes me. I think he'd like to
marry me. But, he can't bring himself to even hint at it; it wouldn't
be proper. And then, he's such a pinch penny with money. You know, he's
been more or less courting me for several years and this is the only
gift he's ever given me.
Violet
I shouldn't complain if I were you. I wish I had such a cousin.
Every girl should have one.
Charlotte
What do you mean?
Violet
Really, don't you know?
Charlotte
The pearls?
Violet
Doesn't he know?
Charlotte
They're not paste?
Violet
Haven't you looked at them?
Charlotte
Are they real?
Violet
Don't you know about pearls?
Charlotte
How could I? Do you?
Violet
Everything.
Charlotte
They're valuable?
Violet
They're worth a fortune.
Charlotte
Are you sure?
Violet
Sure? What kind of an idiot do you take me for?
Charlotte
But, my cousin thinks they're worthless.
Violet
Your cousin is an ass. But, if he gave them to you—what does it
matter what he thinks?
Charlotte
Well, I'd have to give them back.
Violet
I don't see that—if he was such a fool. He took the risk.
Charlotte
He was probably too cheap to have them appraised. But, he insisted
they were worthless, even after I pointed out to him—
Violet
Well, then!
Charlotte
He thought they couldn't be valuable because they shouldn't be.
Violet
Why shouldn't they be? I don't understand.
Charlotte
Why, how would she have gotten them?
Violet
Do you mean they're stolen?
Charlotte
Oh, not that. But, you see, she was a minor actress. A comedienne,
in fact.
Violet
Oh, well, that explains it.
Charlotte
But, she wasn't a good actress. She never made money that way.
Violet
Pretty or ugly?
Charlotte
Decidedly pretty. She played Ophelia once.
Violet
Well, then! That's the kind that always get them. Take my word.
Charlotte
But, that's just what Arthur rejects. You see, he's a clergyman,
too. He's very straight-laced. He can't stand the idea of his mother
having accepted gifts like that from stage door johnnies or whatever
they were called in those days.
Violet
Because a man wouldn't have given it to her for nothing, eh? Well,
I hope she wasn't the type to take a gift like that and give nothing in
return. I despise that type.
Charlotte
He thinks it's a polite euphemism for prostitution.
Violet
Your cousin really is a prude, even for a minister.
Charlotte
I think she must have been one, sort of, or she wouldn't have kept
it from us.
Violet
Fancy being ashamed of these!
Charlotte
Aunt Alice was discreet. She married Uncle Goodwin very suddenly.
She said he swept her off her feet. You know, she always seemed to be
on especially good behavior, as if she was trying to make up to him for
something—although I don't think he ever had the slightest suspicion
that she felt that way. If would be awful to expose her secret.
Violet
There's no need for you to.
Charlotte
But, I really can't keep them.
Violet
Where's the difficulty? You have only to be silent and you protect
your poor cousin and his sainted mother from this unhappy discovery.
Being worldly sometimes is best for everyone.
Charlotte
And keep it? I'd feel like a thief. How can I ever keep it?
Violet
I'm of the opinion it's much too valuable for you to keep. You can
easily sell it.
Charlotte
I have the misfortune of being terribly honest. If I don't return
them, I'm a thief.
Violet
If you do, you're a goose.
Charlotte
Well, then, I'm a goose.
Violet
Let me help you out. I like them. What will you take for them?
Charlotte
You'll have to talk to my cousin.
Violet
I'll do that if you want to be such a fool. Look at them. The man
who gave these to a woman was wildly in love. They're things of
passion. Sell them to me and split it with Arthur if you like.
Charlotte
I'll have to think about it.
BLACKOUT
Same as Scene II. A few days later. Arthur is talking with Charlotte.
Arthur
I told you it was all nonsense. I had them appraised at two of the
best jewelers in the city and they're all rotten paste.
Charlotte
And Violet was so certain they were real that she wanted to buy
them.
Arthur
Your friend cost me a pretty penny to have them appraised with her
folly.
Charlotte
I'm sorry, Arthur. I know how little you have and how hard it is to
make ends meet on your living. But I just couldn't accept them thinking
they were valuable.
Arthur
Oh, I don't blame you. It's the slur on my mother.
Charlotte
I'm sorry, Arthur. I know how sensitive you are about that.
Arthur
Being a clergyman in a small town isn't easy. Respectability is
important. Not to mention the fact that I loved my mother.
Charlotte
Poor Arthur.
Arthur
Believe me, I think your honesty is very praiseworthy. In fact, it
touches me deeply. I would like to say that—
Charlotte (cutting him off, afraid of a declaration of love)
That's neither here nor there. Isn't that a new coat you're
wearing?
Arthur (a little embarrassed)
Why, yes, it is. I thought it was a little overdue.
Charlotte
It looks very nice.
Arthur
Thank you. And you are looking—
Charlotte
Can I have them back?
Arthur
What?
Charlotte
My pearls. Since they are not valuable, I can keep them, you see.
Arthur
Oh, the pearls. Well, you see, after I had them appraised and spent
all that money on worthless things, and thought about my mother's
reputation, well, I got angry and I smashed them with a hammer. I know
I shouldn't have done it. But, the emotion was just too much for me.
I'm sorry.
Charlotte
They were such nice pearls.
Arthur (exhibiting the distress of a miser about to make a gift)
I—I'd be happy to buy you a new string, if you like. (the effort
is killing him)
Charlotte (seeing the effort it is causing him)
Oh, that's not necessary.
(There is a knock at the door. Charlotte, going to the door, opens it to admit Violet Grey who is all decked out and has the pearls on.)
Charlotte
Hullo, Violet, you look lovely.
Arthur
I'll just be going.
Violet (looking at Arthur)
Hello.
(Arthur is making frantic signs at Violet behind Charlotte's back.)
Charlotte
Have you met my cousin Arthur Bradshaw?
Violet
Oh, yes.
Charlotte (noticing the pearls)
I see you got a set almost like mine.
Violet
Where are your eyes, my dear? They are yours.
Arthur (rushing out)
I really have to go. I have a very important appointment.
Charlotte
Well, I never! Where did you get them?
Violet
From Mr. Bradshaw, since you wouldn't sell them to me. I paid him
twenty thousand for them and, I assure you, that's cheap.
Charlotte
THE BASTARD! He told me he destroyed them with a hammer.
Violet
He made me promise not to tell you where I'd got them. Wouldn't
sell them to me if I didn't promise. So, of course, I lied.
Charlotte
BASTARD!
Violet
I think you've hit the truth about your cousin. He admitted to me
he'd found some compromising letters to your aunt from some rich chap.
He's probably not your Uncle Goodwin's son after all.
Violet
And I was feeling sorry for him! No wonder he was so well-dressed.
BASTARD!
Violet
Just so.
CURTAIN