PAINTING IN A CUL DE SAC BY CARMONTELLE

Translated and adapted by FRANK J. MORLOCK

Etext by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
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http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

                     C 2003

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CHARACTERS

MR. MAYOR

MR. CLERK, friend of Mr. Mayor

DRUNK, a street sweeper

MR. RAPHAEL, a sign painter.

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The action takes place in Paris in a cul de sac.

The stage represents a large wall, on which has been prepared a large coat of plaster to write on. There's a large stone isolated on the pavement.

MAYOR: (in his housecoat) Well, Drunk, is it finished?

DRUNK: Yes, sir; I have swabbed it; but it starts all over again every day.

MAYOR: I know that quite well; and yet it smells bad all day.

DRUNK: You said you would write a warning on the wall.

MAYOR: No question, but it's necessary to get permission and I'm waiting for it.

DRUNK: Well, as for me, I would really go find it; where do you have to go?

MAYOR: Mr. Clerk has to prepare it for me.

DRUNK: He's come already; perhaps that's what he's here for.

MAYOR: When did he come?

DRUNK: Oh, more than two hours ago, but they didn't want to let him in.
  MAYOR: And why?

DRUNK: Because they said it wasn't day in your place.

MAYOR: Now that's the way they always are; they send away folks with whom I have business.

DRUNK: He said he'd be back in an hour. Hey, wait, I think that's him.

MAYOR: It's himself.

CLERK: (entering) I was looking for you.

MAYOR: They told me you'd already come, and were sent away. I am in despair that they put you to the trouble of returning.

CLERK: That doesn't matter at all; I've been strolling on the ramparts.

MAYOR: Well, have we got the permission?

CLERK: Yes, there it is.

MAYOR: (reading) That's very good. I am much obliged to you.

CLERK: Not at all; If you had told me about it sooner, your business would have been finished long ago.

MAYOR: I intend to write the prohibition right away; but before that I have my painter, he must have been waiting two or three days. Folks like that have trouble setting themselves to finish what they've begun.

CLERK: It's really true what you say: they begin a work, and then they go away from it; and you no longer send for them; but why send to find your painter for this?

MAYOR: Because I don't know any other.

CLERK: I just saw one here who was doing the sign for a cabaret.

MAYOR: That's very lucky! I am going to send to find him.

DRUNK: If you like, sir —

MAYOR: Yes, go there.

CLERK: Right near by, to the right.

DRUNK: Oh, I will find him.

(Exit Drunk.)

MAYOR: You wouldn't believe the inconvenience of having windows on the cul de sac; you cannot completely open windows on this side.

CLERK: With the precaution you are going to take, that will never happen.

MAYOR: You think so?

CLERK: Oh, surely.

MAYOR: I really thought of asking the purchaser, if there was no other door except mine; but they told me that would be impossible.

CLERK: No question, because from one moment to the next your neighbors might want to open it and that belongs to the public.

MAYOR: Yes; but the public treats it in a strange fashion. Not honestly.

CLERK: Like a cul de sac.

MAYOR: Ah, now there's Drunk.

CLERK: And the painter; it's himself.

(Drunk comes in with Raphael.)

DRUNK: Sir, here's Mr. Raphael.

MAYOR: Your name's Raphael?

RAPHAEL: (with a beret, a palette and a pot of colors) Yes, sir, to serve you.

MAYOR: Ah, indeed, Mr. Raphael, could you write on this blank space here that you see: NO SHITTING HERE, UNDER PAIN OF CORPORAL PUNISHMENT?

RAPHAEL: Yes, sir; I'm the one who usually writes prohibitions in cul de sacs.

MAYOR: Can you do it soon?

RAPHAEL: Why, when does the gentleman want it?

MAYOR: Right away.

RAPHAEL: Right away; but, it's that I have a work nearby that's already begun, which will soon be completed. If the gentleman would —

MAYOR: No, no; I won't let you go. Haven't you any black?

RAPHAEL: Yes, in there; because your man told me that it was to write that you were sending for me.

MAYOR: Well, set to work right away, my dear Mr. Raphael! I will pay you well.

RAPHAEL: Oh, sir, that's not what we care about, because in our profession it's honor rather than money that governs us; it is still true that one prevents the other.

MAYOR: Yes, yes, you're right. We always distinguish people with talent, especially when they have wit as you do.

RAPHAEL: The gentlemen is making fun of me, but that doesn't matter.

CLERK: No, Mr. Raphael, you don't know Mr. Mayor.

RAPHAEL: Gentlemen, amuse yourselves as much as you like; he who laughs last laughs best, as the other fellow says, and then your money is always good; and that's the principal.

MAYOR: Come on, let me see you begin a little.

RAPHAEL: (working) Here I go. (he writes No Shit)

MAYOR: Marvelous. You won't go, no matter what happens, Mr. Raphael?

RAPHAEL: I promise you and an honest man has only his word.

MAYOR: I am going to get dressed; and I will return to see.

RAPHAEL: Go, go. If you don't find me, it's that it is all done.

MAYOR: Aren't you coming with me?

CLERK: No, I have business; I am really pleased to know you are no longer uneasy.

MAYOR: It's you to whom I am obligated for it. Drunk, stay here.

RAPHAEL: Ah, sir, I don't need anyone to watch me. Go, Mr. Drunk, go about your business.

MAYOR: Come then, since you insist.

DRUNK: Yes, sir, 'cause these folks often have their fantasies; and perhaps he will leave them all there.

(They leave.)

RAPHAEL: (working and stepping back from time to time to see the effect, singing)
     In our district (looking at his work) That's not bad like that. I don't know if I will have enough black. (singing)
     In our district
     We have so many be-auties! (speaking) I really have a chest cold, I do. (singing)
     Who go stro —ling
     At night —without a light. (speaking) Yes, I don't know if I will have enough room. (singing)
     At night —without a light
     Right up to midnight
     Belongs to vir-gins! (speaking) Yes. Ah! my stomach's going to get worse. Still I have to finish this work (singing)
     Belongs to the virgins — (speaking) Yes. (singing)
     Right up to midnight
     And they make a bit of uproar. (speaking) No shitting here under pain —Agh, agh, agh. (leaning over to take some black with his knife from his pot) That hurts me devilishly. Under Pain —(he seems to be suffering greatly and makes several contortions as he works) I will never be able to finish. Still, I promised this gentleman to finish. Agh, agh, agh. What to do? Under Penalty —Ah, I cannot do any more. If I put myself behind this large stone. Pe Nal Ty Ah! I cannot hesitate any longer. (he goes behind the stone and emerges after a moment) There was nothing else to do. Let's see now. Under Penalty of —All that's left is Corporal Punishment. (working and singing)
     In our district
     There are so many be-auties (speaking) This gentleman will pay me well; I am going to drink a glass of refreshment right away. (Singing)
     Who go str-olling
     All night without a light —yeah
     Right up till midnight
     Belongs to the vir-gins
     Right up to midnight —yeah.

MAYOR: (reenters, dressed) Well, Mr. Raphael, how's it coming?

RAPHAEL: Yes, sir. I'm at Corporal. Then it will be finished.

MAYOR: (looking at it with a lorgnette) It looks very good.

RAPHAEL: (working and singing)
     Belongs to the virgins —yeah.

MAYOR: But this still smells bad.

RAPHAEL: (singing)
     Right up to midnight.

MAYOR: This bad odor is inconceivable.

RAPHAEL: (singing)
     And they make a bit of an uproar.

MAYOR: Mr. Raphael, do you smell something?

RAPHAEL: Me, sir? Oh, I am accustomed to this.

MAYOR: I just had it cleaned. Could someone have come since?

RAPHAEL: (singing)
     Right up to midnight.

MAYOR: Mr. Raphael?

RAPHAEL: Sir?

MAYOR: Tell me something.

RAPHAEL: I've only got the T to do.

MAYOR: Say, did someone come after I left you?

RAPHAEL: No, sir, not even a cat. (singing)
     Right up to midnight
     They make a little uproar.

MAYOR: (looking everywhere with his lorgnette, going behind the stone) Eh, by Jove, I am no longer astonished. (returning to Raphael)

RAPHAEL: Sir, there it is finished.

MAYOR: That's not the question.

RAPHAEL: What do you mean, sir?

MAYOR: You said that no one came recently.

RAPHAEL: No, sir, and I will swear to it.

MAYOR: Then come here. (taking him to the stone) See if no one came.

RAPHAEL: Well, sir, assuredly I am an honest man, I am. I never lie; why would I deceive you?

MAYOR: You make me impatient.

RAPHAEL: Nothing to be impatient about. I will tell you who did that.

MAYOR: Eh, who?

RAPHAEL: (with an air of confidence) Why, sir, it was me; no reason to search far for something nearby.

MAYOR: What! it's you!

RAPHAEL: Yes, sir and why not?

MAYOR: What, when you were writing under penalty of corporal punishment?

RAPHAEL: No doubt about it; listen to the reason.

MAYOR: The reason for that?

RAPHAEL: Yes, you must be fair in everything; didn't I promise you not to leave this work?

MAYOR: Yes, but in writing under penalty of —

RAPHAEL: I cannot answer for a bad stomach which took me; I had only a couple words to write; if I had gone, if I were taken ill, and I was unable to return, what would you have said?

MAYOR: May the devil take you!

RAPHAEL: In the end, that's what happened; you ought to be satisfied.

MAYOR: Yes, very much so. Under penalty of corporal punishment! That had no effect!

RAPHAEL: What, sir —

MAYOR: Get out, get away from my house; you will be paid.

RAPHAEL: But sir, I don't want you to complain about me. If you want I will do something more, you have only to say —

MAYOR: Get out, I tell you.

RAPHAEL: Sir, I will always be at your service.

(Raphael takes his pot and goes.)

MAYOR: Now I have to go find Drunk to sweep up. You've got to be very patient with these people.

(He leaves.)

CURTAIN