NIGHT SESSION (Seance de Nuit)

A One Act Comedy By Georges Feydeau

EText by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
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http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

                    

                     Translated and Adapted by

                     Frank J. Morlock
                     C 1994

Characters:

Fauconnet
Gentillac
Rigolin
Joseph
The Errand Boy
Artemise
Clarisse
Emilie
Bamboche

A special room in the Cafe Anglais. A door in the rear giving on the stairway to the restaurant. Ordinary furniture for such rooms, striped glass, brass candelabra on the chimney, out-of-tune piano, a serving table, armchair, couch, etc. To the right a door giving on a dressing room.

At rise, Joseph has finished laying the table. Through the door in the rear which is partly open and gives on the hall where the cashier is one sees a going and coming of waiters carrying trays. Voices: “Three dozen from Ostend to #14; Buttes, a widow for #10.” Joseph, who has dried the glasses, not knowing where to put the towel which he has dirtied, hides it without a word in the piano and continues his work. Rigolin appears in an overcoat, collar turned up, cane in his hand and hat on his head. He is followed by Emilie Bamboche and, while walking, is conversing with her, with the result that he's not looking in front of him. You cannot hear their conversation, but they are both laughing like two young people at a party. A waiter carrying a plate full of oysters and who is also walking while looking behind him bumps into Rigolin and dumps his plate on him.

Rigolin
Thanks, my friend.

Waiter
Oh, sorry, sir!

Rigolin
Better put them on the bill, waiter.

Waiter (picking up the oysters)
Oh, no, sir. They belong to #14.

Rigolin
Huh! Well, bon appetite, #14. (stops on the doorstep so Emilie Bamboche can pass her head under his shoulder) Eh! Joseph!

Joseph
Mr. Rigolin

Rigolin
Where's my room, old chap?

Joseph
But, I don't have any, my lord. (Bamboche's eyes pop and observe Rigolin with a certain deference) My lord didn't tell me to reserve one for him.

Rigolin
Oh, look, my friend, I shouldn't have to ask for it. I am part of the firm. Go ask the cashier.

Joseph
Yes, sir, but I don't think it will be any use. On opera nights the house is filled with people.

Rigolin
Go anyway.

Joseph
Yes, milord.

(Exit Joseph.)

Bamboche
Ah ha, what did he call you? You are a lord!

Rigolin
Huh! Me? I don't know.

Bamboche
Eh, well, then?

Rigolin
What: “Eh, well, then?” Did you want me to make a scene because he called me milord. That doesn't cause any harm. Ah, I am above that. (seeing Joseph who is returning) Ah, here he is. Well?

Joseph
Nothing, milord. There are not any left! Ah, I told you, milord, everything is taken.

Rigolin
That's pleasant. Well, how about this room?

Joseph
It's been reserved by the Count Gentillac.

Rigolin
The Count Gentillac! Where do you get the Count Gentillac? He's no more a count than you are!

Joseph
He's such a good customer, milord.

Rigolin
That's what I call a fine reason. I suppose I am not a good customer?

Joseph
Oh, but I place milord much above the count.

Rigolin
Fine. Only in putting me much above him, you put me out.

Joseph
Oh! Milord!

Rigolin
Damn! Since there is no room for me any more, you know, Joseph, if you continue to drive off your customers because your rooms are full, you won't be in business very long, and I can tell you so. Come, come, Bambochette, we will go find hospitality elsewhere.

Bamboche (going to the right)
Oh, no, indeed, going back down right away like that gives one the air of having supped with a toothpick.

Rigolin
Where are you going to place your pride?

Gentillac (off)
Joseph, is my room ready?

Joseph
Ah! Here's the count, right on time. (to Gentillac) Yes, Count!

Gentillac (coming forward)
Rigolin!

(Joseph leaves.)

Rigolin
Ah, you here! Are you well?

Gentillac
It's you who are doing well—with Emilie Bamboche. My compliments. (going toward her) Good day, Bamboche.

Bamboche
Good day.

Gentillac (indicating Bamboche)
You've stolen her from this brave Hector Vatenil.

Rigolin
Me? I haven't stolen anyone. I have taken a following. The following of a banker.

Bamboche
Don't you know what has happened to my poor Tatar?

Gentillac
No, what is it?

Bamboche
But, everyone knows. He is at Mazas.

Gentillac
Not possible. I had lunch with him not more than a week ago.

Bamboche
Well, there, you see!

Gentillac
One day they're with us, they leave us gay and in good health, and from one day to the next—one finds them in Mazas. Ah! It's enough to disgust you with everything.

Bamboche
A fellow who was doing so well in business!

Rigolin
Who gave one hundred twenty for one hundred on their money to his silent partners.

Bamboche
Yes! And that's not honest, is it? Eh, well, they found it was too much. Me, too, besides. I said to him: “It's much too much! Give me more and give them less.” Ah, yes, indeed.

Gentillac
One never listens to disinterested advice.

Bamboche
Poor Tatar!

Gentillac
Ah, it's tough. Because this will set him back at least two or three years. I am quite sure that in the future he will have easier market opportunities.

Bamboche
All the same, it's very sad.

Gentillac
Ah, yes, it's sad!

Rigolin
Yes, it's sad.

Gentillac (to Rigolin)
And, apart from that, are you supping here?

(Joseph reenters.)

Rigolin
Ah, no, but this animal Joseph—

Joseph (hearing his name)
Milord?

Rigolin
No, nothing. I didn't call you. (Joseph goes back out) This animal Joseph didn't reserve a room for me.

Gentillac
Ah, my poor friend. I would, indeed, offer to share this one with you!

Rigolin
Ah, fine, you're very nice. You want to, Emilie?

Gentillac
No, no, wait. I would like to offer it to you, indeed, only I am not offering.

Rigolin
Ah, good. Thanks!

Gentillac
Because I am only here as a guest. The amphitryon is Fauconnet. You know Fauconnet?

Rigolin
Who? The banker? Ah, indeed, yes, I know him. He put me in a business a couple of years ago. The philorenfuge business. Perhaps you've heard of that? A machine to destroy philoxera.

Gentillac
No, did the business make money?

Rigolin
No.

Gentillac
It didn't destroy phyllorera?

Rigolin
Yes, only it destroyed the vines, too. That cost me twenty-five thousand francs.

Gentillac
Twenty-five thousand francs! And Fauconnet?

Rigolin
Oh, him. It brought him two hundred thousand francs.

Gentillac
Oh, of course. I am asking naive questions.

Bamboche (sitting at the side of the table)
Twenty-five thousand francs. You could have done better to give them to me.

Rigolin (going to her)
Ah, if I had known.

Bamboche (rising)
You would have given them to me?

Rigolin
No, but I wouldn't have invested them in the business. (to Gentillac) All this is to tell you that you cannot be in better with Fauconnet than I am.

(Rigolin sits down.)

Gentillac
Well, my dear fellow, since you know him, it's he, Fauconnet, who invited me. It's for him I reserved this room. It's even funnier because yesterday even, I didn't know him except by reputation. This morning I wanted to see him to propose a venture with a great future. Hold on, even you might wish to put some money in it, you know. Quite an opportunity.

Bamboche (low to Rigolin)
Don't do that!

Rigolin (to Gentillac)
No, thanks.

Gentillac
You're wrong. It's a business that's going to start a revolution. I've found a way to do away with rails in the railways trains. You see the immense importance! The abolition of steel tracks and the possibility of travelling all routes. It's wonderful. Still, can't tell you about it. Let's skip on. Anyway, I arrived at Fauconnet's place, he received me in a charming manner. I exposed my business to him and in the course of the conversation we came to realize we are two old college friends. Then, you see this here! And with an intimacy, the memories of childhood: “You recall this? You remember that? And this one—what became of him?” He explained he's married to a charming and faithful wife, but that doesn't prevent him, on occasion, from having a blonde or brunette. In short, like tonight at the Opera Ball.

Rigolin
You have debauched this married man?

Gentillac
On the contrary, it's always the married men who corrupt you. Right, Emilie?

Bamboche (seated by the side of the table)
I really don't know. Mine was by a train conductor!

Gentillac
Ah! (Rigolin rises, laughing, and gives his hand to Emilie) All my best to the conductor! (going to Rigolin) No, it was Fauconnet who proposed we spend the evening together. He has pretended, in front of his wife, a reunion as extraordinary as unreasonable, of his administrative council. A NIGHT SESSION! Meanwhile, I ran to reserve this room at the Cafe Anglais, and, as we need the fair sex to enliven our supper, we went recruiting at the Opera Ball.

Rigolin
And where is your fair sex?

Gentillac
Oh, not here yet. Fauconnet is hunting. He said to me: “Leave it to me. I have a flair for hunting.” As I am not a hunter and I only like game birds when served on the table, I left Fauconnet to lie in wait.

Rigolin
That's funny.

Bamboche
Say, you are really polite.

Rigolin
What is it to you?

Gentillac
She's got a feeling of solidarity!

Bamboche (rising and going to Gentillac)
Well, if you say so!

(Bamboche boxes Gentillac's ears. Rigolin separates them.)

Rigolin
Come, old friend, have fun. Me, I regret—but, since there's no place here, I am going to dinner at the Maison D'Or. Coming, Bambochette?

Bamboche
Let's go!

(Rigolin and Bamboche head towards the exit.)

Gentillac (accompanying them)
You're not mad at me, at least?

Rigolin
Of course not.

Gentillac
Wait! Why don't you dine with me tomorrow?

Rigolin
Ah, impossible, tomorrow I am on duty. I am dining with my Aunt Marjeval. Sunday dinner, weekly bore. Pity me, my friend.

Gentillac
Ah, the aunt you attend to for her inheritance.

Rigolin
And who takes care of herself so as to leave me as late as possible. And, boring! Oh, boring to the point that, in order to stand it, I always repeat to myself: “One and a half million francs! One and a half million francs!!!”

Gentillac
Oh, gild the pill.

Rigolin
That helps me to swallow it. Come on, Emilie.

(Joseph enters from the center.)

Bamboche
There!

Rigolin
And you, till another time.

Gentillac
That's that!

(Rigolin and Bamboche leave.)

Gentillac
Joseph!

Joseph
Count!

(Joseph takes the overcoat, the cane, and the hat and carries them all into the room at the right.

Gentillac (sitting down)
You will get me, once again, the same wine you had me drink the other day. What was it?

Joseph
Du Pirlon Longville.

Gentillac
No, wait. It was Du Clos de Estouniel.

Joseph
Yes, it's the same thing. We have several names, following the tastes of the clients.

Gentillac
Look here! Ah, indeed, you can't pull one like that on me.

Joseph
Yes, I can, Count. I did it to you this morning!

Gentillac
What?

Joseph
The Count asked me for some Chateau Legrange which we were out of. I told the Count: “Let the Count taste our Poulet-Cault.

Gentillac
Well! I tasted it, and what did I tell you? “Take this away, I don't like this Poulet-Cault, and give me some Chateau Legrange.

Joseph
Yes.

Gentillac
Well?

Joseph
Well, I brought you another bottle of Poulet-Cault, exactly like the first, and after having tasted it, the Count said to me with the air of a connoisseur: “Ah not comparable!”

Gentillac
No! And you just admit this to me?

Joseph
I admit it to the Count because I know he is not going to repeat it.

Gentillac
Indeed, I hear you!

Joseph
Does the Count wish to have the menu now?

Gentillac
No, when the persons I am waiting for arrive.

Joseph
How many will there be, sir?

Gentillac
Three. I hope that you will take care of us as for yourself, understood? When you pay for a little party!

Joseph (withdrawing a setting)
Oh, sir, when I have a party I go to Duval's.

(Joseph takes the place setting to the center back.)

Gentillac (rising)
Ah!

Joseph (returning)
Ah, here's a gentlemen with a masked lady. Perhaps, these are the people the count expects.

(Artemise, masked in a domino, enters with Fauconnet.)

Fauconnet (to a waiter)
The room reserved by Mr. Gentillac.

Gentillac
Yes, here it is, come in!

Fauconnet
Ah, you are here! (to Artemise) Hold on, enter, my pretty.

Gentillac (going to Artemise)
Pretty mask, I throw myself at your feet.

Artemise
Sir.

Fauconnet
Well, is she nice? Look at that head? That figure? The whole thing?

Gentillac
A true little siren.

Fauconnet
Well, I was the one who discovered this pearl. Huh! What a flair!

Gentillac (to Artemise)
Look, let me have a look at you. Oh, there must be a pretty little face under this villainous mask.

(Artemise laughs. Joseph takes Fauconnet's overcoat and hat and goes to the right.)

Fauconnet
By God, don't I have an eye?

Gentillac (taking Artemise around the waist)
And such a figure! Look at her figure.

Artemise (laughing, pushing him off)
Get away! Look out!

Gentillac
Ooh. My pretty little domino.

Fauconnet
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, aren't you famished?

Gentillac
You bore me! First of all, it well never be said that a pretty little mask will ever be in Gentillac's arms without his hugging her.

Artemise (to Fauconnet)
Oh, sir, come help me.

Fauconnet (trying to get between them)
Come on, come on. For God's sake, do you think I brought her for you?

Gentillac
Why, certainly! You! You are a married man. You ought to be reasonable.

Fauconnet
Sure, but when a married man has an opportunity, you can be sure he's not going to abandon her to a bachelor. You're all mine, right, my coquette?

Artemise
Oh, but gentlemen, what kind of manners are these?

Fauconnet
Bah! Today, I'm twenty years old.

(Fauconnet hugs Artemise. Joseph comes in from the right.)

Joseph
Do the gentlemen care for the menu?

Fauconnet
You bet we want a menu—and one that's detailed. What do you want to eat, my coquette?

Artemise
Oh, whatever you like! I am not hungry. Some little things only.

Fauconnet (to Joseph)
Eh, well, some little things.

Gentillac (seated at the piano)
Otherwise, put—some expensive things.

Joseph
We have some Quails Bellevue with Herbs.

Fauconnet
There you go. Some quails.

Gentillac
With herbs?

Artemise
Yes, some things like that, and then, some asparagus.

Gentillac
What did I say! Asparagus in Savory. There's some little things.

Artemise
Now, I will come back to you. (to Joseph) Where can I go to fix myself up?

Joseph (indicating the door at the right)
There's a restroom here, madame.

Artemise
Thank you.

(Artemise goes out, followed by Joseph.)

Fauconnet (who has gone to the door)
How do you like her? Admit I have the flair of an old bloodhound. (sits down)

Gentillac
Not bad, but a little affected. You heard the way she said: “Where can I go to fix myself up?”

Fauconnet
Leave her alone, she's adorable. Just because she didn't fall into your arms right away, women don't give themselves to you like that. (Joseph returns) But you didn't look at her—an exquisite figure, a little foot as big as this, hands, breasts, teeth—

Joseph (waiting, motionless, for the menu)
And, that's all, sir?

Fauconnet
Oh, my friend, I haven't seen the rest.

Joseph
Oh, sir, I could never permit myself. I was speaking of the menu, sir.

Fauconnet
Ah, the menu. I wasn't thinking about that. Well, by God, I don't know.

(Fauconnet sits in an armchair.)

Gentillac
Ah, Joseph, I commend err—Mr. Fauconnet to you—

Joseph (bowing)
Sir.

Gentillac
If you want him to be one of your better clients, you must take care of him.

Joseph
Ah, the Baron will be content. (Fauconnet looks around for a baron) We will do everything to satisfy Baron Fauconnet.

Fauconnet (aside)
Huh? Ah, it's me!

Joseph
What does the Baron order?

Fauconnet
What do I? (aside) He's a fine waiter.

Joseph
The Baron wants some oysters?

Fauconnet (listening complacently, aside)
The Baron wants! (aloud) Certainly.

Joseph
The Baron will have a consomme?

Fauconnet (eyes half closed, rocking to Joseph's words)
Yes!

Joseph
And then, some quail, Baron?

Fauconnet (same as before)
Yes!

Joseph
And then what, Baron?

Fauconnet (dreamily)
Yes!

Joseph
Sir?

Fauconnet
Huh? No, whatever you like, some asparagus and some tea.

Joseph
Saint Monclaire. Fine Baron.

(Joseph leaves.)

Fauconnet (aside)
“The Baron.” He gives me the title which the Pope refused me.

Gentillac
Well, I hope that he's stuck that “Baron” on you.

Fauconnet
What? To me? Ah!

Gentillac (rising)
You didn't notice?

Fauconnet (brusquely)
Phooey! That's not important, Gentillac.

Gentillac
What is it?

Fauconnet
Are we rotten or what, my poor old friend? Are we rotten!

Gentillac
Why is that?

Fauconnet
My poor little wife thinks I'm at an evening session of the council.

Gentillac
Well, speak—but speak for yourself. I am not married.

Fauconnet
Oh, it's bad.

Gentillac
Then, you have some remorse?

Fauconnet (leaning near the chimney)
Yes, yes—I have some, but—IT EXCITES ME!

Gentillac
Ah! Then?

Fauconnet
And then, still, I don't know what it is. It's that I'm with an adorable woman.

Gentillac
My God! I have no objection.

Fauconnet
What do you mean you have no objection?. She's a pearl, my friend, a pearl.

Gentillac
A pearl who goes on the town.

Fauconnet
Yes, yes, because I fished her out of an opera ball, naturally, you think! Well, not at all, I know what I've got hold of now. In a carriage, she opened it for me!

Gentillac
Ah, my compliments.

Fauconnet
You are stupid!

(Fauconnet walks away from the chimney.)

Gentillac
All my regrets.

Fauconnet
No, you don't know with what a white blackbeard we have to do business.

(Fauconnet goes to the right.)

Gentillac
Again, what? What! She's a virgin?

Fauconnet
Almost a virgin, as far as adultery is concerned.

Gentillac
There's a husband! Eh, then, take care, Fauconnet.

Fauconnet
Leave me alone, it doesn't frighten me.

Gentillac
You're riding for a fall.

Fauconnet
No, he's dead.

Gentillac
Ah, well, that's a reason.

Fauconnet
Yes, she's a widow, my friend, a delicious little widow. All the attractions of a married woman with none of the inconveniences of a husband. She's exquisite. Imagine, she was the most faithful of wives.

Gentillac
Who told you that?

Fauconnet
She did!

Gentillac (bowing)
Ah, then, of course!

Fauconnet
But, look what happened when this imbecile—I'm speaking of the husband—

Gentillac
Go on! You'll never see his witnesses.

Fauconnet
—died, his wife found in his drawer a pack of edifying letters on his relative fidelity. So you see why she's here. Fury of an outraged women—an oath of vengeance. “Ah, he deceived me. I will deceive him in my turn!”

Gentillac
I understand. She's putting horns on his memory.

Fauconnet
Perfectly! An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth.

Gentillac
She is the widow of Talion!

Fauconnet
Exactly! And, should I lose such an opportunity, would I ever find a widow who wants to commit a stupidity and not help? Come on. First of all, I am going to write immediately to my wife.

(Fauconnet goes to the table.)

Gentillac
Why do that?

Fauconnet
Because I have permission for only two hours. I am going to ask for an extension. I've already found a pretext. The debacle of mortgage credit—all the great banks are in the air. I don't know at what time our evening session will finish. I am letting my wife go to bed and not wait for me—and the game is played.

Gentillac
There!

Fauconnet
Well, at least financial crises are good for something.

Fauconnet (looking in his wallet)
A card to write to my wife! There— (writing) “Darling, our council meeting is likely to last all night because of the crash of the mortgage credit.”

Gentillac (bringing a writing box which he found on the chimney)
Here—there are some envelopes in here. (looking at two or three)

Fauconnet (writing)
Thanks. “Don't wait up for me, go to bed. I don't know at what hour I will return.”

Gentillac
Ah, say, you know who I saw just now—someone you know.

Fauconnet
Who?

Gentillac
Jules Rigolin.

Fauconnet
Little Rigolin! I should say I know him—a very nice boy. (writing) Madame Fauconnet— (speaking) I have taken an interest once or twice in his business.

Gentillac
That's what he told me.

Fauconnet
He had a mania for speculation—a moment, then, what you wish. I told myself: “He will do it through someone else.”

Gentillac
Just like me!

Fauconnet (writing, without grasping Gentillac's meaning)
Yes!

Gentillac (aside)
I didn't mean to say that.

Fauconnet (writing)
“17 Rue de Choiseul.”

Gentillac (aloud)
I didn't dare to take it on myself to invite him to supper with us.

Fauconnet
You were wrong, he might come.

Gentillac
The poor boy had nothing to keep him here. Naturally he didn't have a place to stay, so he went to supper at the Maison d'Or!

Fauconnet
But, you should have told him to stay. I'd have been enchanted. Want me to write a word to him?

Gentillac
But, he's not alone. He's with his mistress—a charming child.

Fauconnet
All the more reason. The more of a crowd, the more you laugh. Who is his mistress?

Gentillac
Bambochette. The little Emilie.

Fauconnet
Emilie? You don't say! Villainous name.

Gentillac
Why is it a villainous name?

Fauconnet
I don't know. Perhaps it's because our maid is called that. They are at the Maison d'Or, you say?

Gentillac
Yes.

Fauconnet (while writing on a card)
Wait! Will you ring?

Gentillac
Yes.

Fauconnet
And now, the address on the envelope. (writing) “Mr. Rigolin, Maison d'Or.

(Fauconnet starts to put the card in the envelope.)

Gentillac
What did you say to him.

Fauconnet
Here, read.

(Fauconnet hands the card to Gentillac.)

Gentillac (reading)
“We are dining at the Cafe Anglais with Gentillac. Come find us. Bring Emilie!”

(Fauconnet takes the other card on the table and put in it the envelope which has not left his hand. He doesn't notice it is addressed to Rigolin.)

Fauconnet
How's this?

Gentillac
Perfect.

Joseph (entering)
The Baron rang?

Fauconnet (finishing putting the letters in the envelopes)
Yes.

Joseph
The Baron desires?

Fauconnet
Go tell the doorman— (aside) The Baron— (aloud) —that the Baron Fauconnet wants him.

Joseph
Fine, Baron. (exits)

Gentillac
Well, say, do you like it?

Fauconnet
What?

Gentillac
You also call yourself Baron Fauconnet?

Fauconnet
Where—what? But, no, no. It's for the waiter, you understand. It avoids explanations. He calls me Baron. I'd have to explain to the other fellow that I am not. Then, what of it? Does it matter? Since he styles me Baron Fauconnet—I say to him “Baron Fauconnet.” It doesn't disturb the service. (rises)

Gentillac
Ah! There.

Fauconnet
But, damn!

Gentillac (aside)
Decidedly Joseph knows the human heart.

(Gentillac replaces the writing box on the chimney.)

Joseph (introducing the doorman)
Come alone. (sees the doorman going to Gentillac) Not to the Count, to the Baron. (exits)

Gentillac (aside)
So, he calls me Count. I know very well I am not. Well, I can't say that it is disagreeable to me.

Doorman (to Fauconnet)
Baron?

Fauconnet
Ah, my friend, you are going to deliver two letters to their addresses for me.

Doorman
Fine, Baron.

Fauconnet
This one to the Maison d'Or for Rigolin who is dining there. You know him?

Doorman
Very well, Baron.

Fauconnet
Fine. And this one is more delicate—#17 Rue de Choiseul. It is for Madame Fauconnet, personal.

Doorman
Must one say that it is sent to Madame Baron?

Fauconnet (not understanding)
To Madame— Huh? (comprehending) Oh, ah, yes. But no need to say Madame Baron. Madame Fauconnet—that will suffice.

Doorman
She will understand?

Fauconnet
Yes, yes. Ah, if by chance, you see Madame herself, don't tell her you come from the Cafe Anglais. Say that you are employed by my banking firm and that I am at a meeting.

Doorman (indicating his livery)
But, sir, if madame sees the letters on my uniform?

Fauconnet
Ah, well, that's true. “C. A.” Cafe Anglais. Well, you will say that it means “Contract Administration.” (gives him some money) Here, this is for you.

Doorman
Thank you, Baron. (he leaves)

Gentillac (seated in the armchair)
You are playing rotten tricks on your wife.

Fauconnet
What do you mean “rotten tricks”? These are preventive actions. You don't want me to leave her in a state of uncertainty to make her blood boil while I am amusing myself. Ah, indeed. That would be a fine husband.

Gentillac
He's put out!

Fauconnet (going upstage right)
We are not like some people. We have our duties, my friend, we have our duties. But, what is she doing? (opening the door and calling) Well, my pretty?

Voice of Artemise
Right away. I am putting a stitch in my dress.

Fauconnet (coming forward)
She's putting a stitch in her dress. What a little love! It was I who stepped on it the moment I got in the carriage and she puts a stitch in it.

Gentillac
Come on, don't get all gushy.

Fauconnet
Ah, my friend, when you want to put your hand on an exquisite woman you must come to me.

Gentillac
Leave me alone. I can find one by myself quite well.

Fauconnet
Oh! Oh!

Gentillac
Look, not later than yesterday, on the railway, I had no need of you.

Fauconnet
You didn't tell me!

Gentillac
Yes, my dear old friend, returning from Auteuil, two women in the same compartment with me—the one a woman of the world, the other a chamber maid.

Fauconnet (sitting)
A chamber maid?

Gentillac
Yes, I leave her to you. I don't get it on in the dust bin. The woman of fashion was delicious, but dressed in a way that was disconcerting. I said to myself: “There's nothing to be done.”

Fauconnet
You never know.

Gentillac
Who are you saying that to? Look in the tunnel of Batignolles. We stayed in there for some time. Perfect, I said to myself, now is the time to see how the land lies.

Fauconnet
As for me, I wouldn't be worried about the scenery.

Gentillac
We are in agreement! As my two travellers, who had been thrown against the door, took their seats, I arranged to sit near the woman of the world and I began discreetly by brushing against her elbow. They didn't say anything and I persisted.

Fauconnet
Yes, I know the trick. Her hand met yours.

Gentillac
Yes.

Fauconnet
She withdrew it.

Gentillac
No. On the contrary, she shook it! She said to me very low: “Yes, but watch out for the person I am with.”

Fauconnet
Oh, then she was not a woman of the world.

Gentillac
Why is that, my friend, why is that? She was a woman of some temperament.

Fauconnet
Ah, I am quite sure of it. And then?

Gentillac
Well, then—the rest comes tomorrow, my friend, at the Hotel Terminus.

Fauconnet
Ah, you are very fortunate.

Voice of Artemise
There, thank you, madame.

Fauconnet (rising hastily)
Ah! There she is. Ring for them to serve us.

Gentillac
Yes. (rings)

Artemise (entering, still masked)
I ask your pardon for making you wait.

Fauconnet
Huh? What, what? You still have you villainous domino?

Artemise
But, well, what of it?

Gentillac
Ah, but no, ah, but no. On the sill of the separate room, an incognito loses her rights. It's the place where masks are removed.

Fauconnet
These are our little perquisites.

Artemise
Oh! Gentlemen! I beg you—

Fauconnet
Oh, but it's the custom.

Joseph (entering)
The gentlemen rang?

Fauconnet
Yes, you may serve.

Joseph
Fine, Baron. (leaves)

Fauconnet
First of all, you cannot eat with this mess of lace on your face. (caressing the hand of Gentillac believing it to be the skin of Artemise) You're wearing a new dress.

Gentillac
No! That's my hand.

Fauconnet
Ah!

Gentillac
And then again, for us, wouldn't it be the most delicious treat of our dinner to contemplate the pretty face of our beautiful unknown.

Artemise
Oh, no, not so soon. This—type of living—is so new to me and I have so little experience.

Fauconnet
You understand, right? You understand?

Artemise
Wait until I am familiarized.

Fauconnet
Ah, she is adorable.

Artemise
I am not what you think, you know. Because you met me at the Opera Ball, you may suppose that I am one of those creatures—

Fauconnet
Oh, no, no! He knows. I have put him in the picture. You are a woman who is avenging herself.

Gentillac
Yes—and when you're looking for an avenger! Pretty masked lady, count on me!

Fauconnet (trying to separate them)
Why on you? On me!

Gentillac
But, no, on. Right, my pretty?

Fauconnet (separating them)
Aren't you finished, vile wheedler? (to Artemise) You know, don't listen to him. He's a Romeo—a skirt chaser. Why, not later than yesterday, on the train—

Gentillac (resisting, softly enchanted)
Would you mind shutting up?

Fauconnet
Yes, yes, I am going to tell her. He met a lady—and then, in the tunnel—

Gentillac
Come on, come on—

Fauconnet
Yes, yes. She's going to know about you.

Artemise (curious)
And then, in the tunnel?

Fauconnet
Well, in the tunnel—well, wham, bam! That's all there was to it.

Artemise
Oh!

Fauconnet
Exactly—and it continues tomorrow at the Hotel Terminus! There's a man, my pretty friend, there's a man!

Artemise
What a horror!

Gentillac
Don't listen to him. I tell you, don't listen to him. And now, take off your hat, alright?

Artemise (walking between them)
You want to see me blush?

Gentillac and Fauconnet
Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes!

Gentillac
It's so rare in such a place, for some women to still blush!

Artemise
Then, you are without pity.

(Artemise removes the pin which attaches her veil in the rear.)

Gentillac and Fauconnet
Yes!

Gentillac
Yes, we are without pity.

(Gentillac takes Artemise by the waist.)

Fauconnet (making him let go)
For christsakes, you bore me! I tell you that she is mine.

(Artemise goes to the chimney.)

Gentillac (wanting to return to the charge)
Ah, then you shouldn't have invited me.

Fauconnet
Ah, but you know, Gentillac.

(Artemise has removed her veil and let her ridiculous and wrinkled face be seen.)

Artemise
Come on, come on. Don't fight over me.

(Fauconnet and Gentillac turn at her words.)

Fauconnet
But at last!

(Fauconnet and Gentillac are quiet at the sight of Artemise. Bewilderment can be read on their faces. They smile at her to dissimulate their feelings. Then, both make the same deceptive grimace. She is ugly! The eyes of Fauconnet and Gentillac meet. Looking at each other, they give a significant nod of the head.)

Gentillac (containing a burst of laughter)
I am going to wash my hands.

(Gentillac goes out to the right, dissimulating the laughter which chokes him. Artemise sits at the table.)

Fauconnet
What! He's abandoning me?

(Fauconnet's eyes look at Artemise's face.)

Fauconnet (aside, discouraged)
Oh, in the name of God!

Artemise (smiling)
Well?

Fauconnet (smiling with embarrassment)
Well, hey, hey. We're going to have supper.

Artemise
Tell me that you do not scorn me.

Fauconnet
But no, but no. Only we must eat soon—huh—so we can finish.

Artemise
Come on! Let's eat!

Fauconnet (sitting down)
That's it! Let's see what we are going to eat.

(They sit with Artemise to the left of the table and Fauconnet facing the audience, leaving the seat face to face with Artemise to Gentillac.)

Artemise (as she sits down)
There.

(Artemise puts her glasses on her noes, at the end of her nostrils.)

Fauconnet (seeing her with her glasses, aside)
Oh, no! The glasses are the last straw! Oh, what a head she has with those.

Artemise
Well? Are they serving?

Fauconnet (rising)
Huh? Yes, my coquette, yes, my coquette. Wait, here's the waiter.

(Joseph comes forward, followed by a waiter carrying some oysters. The waiter serves Artemise. Joseph serves Fauconnet. The waiter leaves.)

Joseph
The oysters, Baron?

Fauconnet
They're fine!

(Joseph, seeing Artemise without her mask, cannot repress a smile. The smile does not escape Fauconnet who has not stopped watching him since he entered. Joseph is now occupied serving Artemise.)

Fauconnet (going to Joseph who doesn't notice him, abruptly)
She's ugly, isn't she?

Joseph (jumping)
Oh!

Fauconnet (as if to excuse himself)
I knew it, you know. I knew it. (Joseph indicates by gestures that it is no concern of his) Oh, but— (aside) I don't give a damn about her, but I don't want him to know that. Ah, no!

(The Wine Master enters, bringing champagne and an iced carafe. He places the carafe on the table and goes upstage to uncork the champagne.)

Artemise
Well?

Fauconnet (sitting down again)
Huh? Here I am. (discouraged, aside) Oh, no! It feels like I'm dining with his mother.

Joseph
Sir, there are no quail en Bellevue left.

Fauconnet
Ah, none left! That doesn't matter, that doesn't matter. Give us a rumsteak with fries. (to Artemise) Hey, it's very good.

Artemise (with a moue)
Ho!

Fauconnet
But, yes! For dyspepsia. It's very healthy. You must have dyspepsia.

Artemise
But, not at all.

Fauconnet
You don't have it? Imagine! Ah, me. I have it. (to Joseph) A rumsteak. Go!

Joseph
Fine, Baron.

(Joseph leaves. The Wine Master, who has opened the champagne, places the bottle on the table and leaves. Fauconnet begins to eat the oysters.)

Fauconnet
There. Ah, there. But, what's Gentillac doing? What kind of manners does he have, leaving us alone?

Artemise (tenderly)
Maybe he is being discreet.

Fauconnet
Oh. What does he think then?

Artemise
Eh! Damn! Look, oh— (searching for his name) Uh. What is it?

Fauconnet
What? My name? Fauconnet.

Artemise
No, the other one.

Fauconnet
Ah, oh, Jerome.

Artemise
I am Artemise.

Fauconnet
Really. (with a mocking admiration) Ah, charming.

Artemise (putting on her lorgnette)
While we are alone, speak to me frankly.

Fauconnet (aside)
Ah, the lorgnette.

Artemise
I need to know. Do I please you?

Fauconnet
What? Oh, certainly.

Artemise
Don't say certainly. Say—yes.

Fauconnet
Yes, yes!

Artemise
Not “Yes, yes”—yes.

Fauconnet (rising)
But, yes! Oh, what's he doing, that Gentillac? (seeing Gentillac as he enters) Ah, finally. You get her!

Gentillac
Here I am! Here I am!

(Gentillac arrives with a rapid step. As he gets to Artemise and sees her face, without changing the cadence of his steps, he does a somersault, with his eyes to heaven, with an expression of comic relief. When he finds himself face to face with her, he has a friendly smile on his lips.)

Fauconnet
But, naturally! You left us here, the two of us. How amusing that was.

Artemise
Ah! What you said was not very nice.

Fauconnet
No, no. But you understand what I mean. It's for the dinner.

Gentillac
Naturally. (low) I congratulate you on your pearl.

Fauconnet
Oh, I am dishonored.

Gentillac (seeing the lorgnette)
What's that she has pushed on her nose?

Fauconnet
Her glasses, I think. Say, you are going to take her back, right?

Gentillac
I? Not in this life.

Fauconnet
What do you mean “Not in this life”?

Gentillac
Ah, but not at all.

Fauconnet
Then, what? It's going to be me, perhaps?

Gentillac
But, damn! It's you who brought her.

Fauconnet
Well, exactly. Since I brought her, you should take her back.

Gentillac
Tush! That's your concern, my good man.

Fauconnet
That's it! Then, I have it all, right?

Gentillac
Absolutely.

Artemise
Ah, there, what's the matter with you two, to squabble like that in whispers?

Fauconnet
Nothing. We were arguing as to which one of us will escort you.

Artemise
Oh, it's very nice of you to fight like that. My God, I regret, my dear, but it seems to me more natural that it be this (indicating Fauconnet) gentleman.

Gentillac
There, you see!

Fauconnet
Huh? But no, but no, he's very amiable, but, I assure you that given my situation—

Artemise
What?

Fauconnet
Yes, I am married. It's nothing personal. Besides, I already told him, even before you lifted your veil, that—

Artemise
Huh?

Gentillac
Charming.

Fauconnet
No, that's not what I want to say.

Gentillac
Let it go, let it go. You are not saying what you think. He's burning with desire, madame. Only he wants to sacrifice himself to me.

Artemise
Truly?

Fauconnet
But no! But no!

Gentillac
But yes. But yes. Well, I won't accept your sacrifice. You will escort madame.

Artemise
Exactly!

Fauconnet
Oh.

Gentillac
Come on. It's decided. Now, let's eat.

Fauconnet
You know, I will pay you for that.

Gentillac
No, no. Don't thank me.

(They sit down. Fauconnet pours some champagne.)

Fauconnet (aside)
Oh, I will stuff her in a cab. I will stick with her to her home and she won't see me again. (drinking) Yuck! This champagne is too warm.

Gentillac
Well, you've got an ice carafe by your side. You can put your champagne into it. It's there for that.

Fauconnet
Come, eat quickly, my coquette. If I must escort you home, I don't want to be here until three in the morning.

Artemise
We will leave when you wish, Jerome.

Gentillac
“Jerome!” Ah, ah, you're already on those terms!

Artemise
Eh! My God! Yes, while you were in the process of washing your hands, he made his declaration to me.

Fauconnet
Me?

Gentillac
You see, the big sly old woman.

Fauconnet
But, no! A declaration? I responded to a question.

Artemise
But, what's the good of pretending? Am I pretending?

Gentillac (aside)
Oh! No!

Artemise
You see, I am a woman entirely of one piece. Until today, I was a model wife, a virtuous spouse.

Fauconnet
Yes, that's the best way. (To Gentillac) Ring for the rumsteak.

(Gentillac rings.)

Artemise
I was so to the point of exaggeration.

Gentillac
Ah, and this is the consequence!

Artemise
And, to think, that all this time, the wretch deceived me. Now, what do you say to that?

(Fauconnet is irritated and not paying close attention to Artemise's lamentations. His nose is in his glass and he is drinking, distracted by the champagne.)

Fauconnet
Ah, it's got to be rechilled.

Artemise
My husband?

Fauconnet
Huh? Ah, no, no, no. I am speaking of the champagne. I—I wasn't responding to what you were saying.

(Joseph enters with two waiters.)

Joseph (bringing the rumsteak)
The gentlemen rang?

(Joseph presents the plate to Fauconnet.)

Fauconnet
Yes, it was for the rumsteak.

(Joseph goes upstage to cut it.)

Artemise
But still, what are you thinking of?

Fauconnet (without conviction)
Well, yes. It's difficult, it's difficult. (turning abruptly to Gentillac) And then, this business question—look. Tell me a little about it. (turning his back on Artemise)

Gentillac
Ah! Indeed, well—

Artemise (a little angry)
I bore you.

Fauconnet
Not at all, my honey bunny. But, we have to talk some business. That's why we really met for supper. So, you understand!

Artemise
Fine! Fine!

Fauconnet (turning to Gentillac)
So, you were saying?

(The two waiters who entered change the setting.)

Gentillac
Well, I was saying, as I recall, that my system is very simple.

Fauconnet
Yes, you were getting rid of the rails in the railways.

Gentillac
No, rather that I'd gotten rid of the iron in the rails.

(Joseph passes the rumsteak to the characters during this conversation.)

Artemise (helping herself)
Thank you.

Gentillac (while Fauconnet is helping himself)
The rails still exist, but they become part of the train.

Fauconnet (helping himself)
I don't understand.

Gentillac
You are going to. Each carriage, including the locomotive, has it's own independent rails.

Artemise (interrupting)
Tell me, would you like—

Fauconnet (strumming on her hand, without turning his head)
Hush! Hush! Yes, my coquette! (to Gentillac) Where are you putting these independent rails.

Gentillac
Well, under each wagon and engine.

(Joseph, after having served the rumsteak, takes the mantilla that Artemise left on the chimney and carries it to the room on the right. He then leaves by the upstage door.)

Artemise (wanting to speak)
Eh, I—

Fauconnet (irritated)
But yes, honey bunny, yes! Eat!

Gentillac
Imagine a kind of pulley whose rapidity of turning is in direct proportion to the speed of the train.

Artemise
Again!

Fauconnet
But, what?

Artemise
I want some salt.

Fauconnet
Well, my God. You've got a way of talking about business! (passes her the salt) (to Gentillac) My God, like that. What you tell me seems ingenious, but it seems to me your system will only work on flat terrain. If the route is uneven for example, if the way goes uphill or downhill—

Gentillac
What—so? Well, I don't go that route.

Fauconnet
But, then?

Gentillac
Then, well then— (rising without leaving his place, in a sulky tone) No, you only understand how to scare up tramps. There's not an invention which can resist that kind of petty fault finding.

(Artemise takes up her glass. Gentillac sits astride his chair so his back is to the table. Fauconnet takes his chair and goes to sit face to face with Gentillac.)

Fauconnet
Still, let's see. You're doing fine. Your business—has to be applied, if at the beginning I discover a hole in the plan, where will we be when the day comes to put it into practice? It will collapse, that's all. And you want me to risk my capital in that—oh, no!

Gentillac
But, then what?

Fauconnet
Well, we will create a corporation. We will make some money, but this will never work.

(Fauconnet rise and replaces his chair.)

Artemise
Will you give me a little tea?

(Fauconnet distractedly takes the carafe of water and gives her water instead without looking at her. He continues to speak while doing this.)

Fauconnet
Look, if only one of these rails broke—or if only one of the—

Artemise
But no, look! You are giving me water.

Fauconnet
Oh! Pardon!

Artemise
Ah, listen. You are not very amusing.

Fauconnet (standing and walking a round)
Come on, my honey bunny.

Gentillac (resuming)
Besides, look. I have here, in the pocket of my overcoat, the entire project detailed with figures—

Fauconnet
Well, go get it!

Joseph (entering)
Sir, there are two persons who ask for Mr. Fauconnet's room.

Fauconnet
Ah, tell them to enter. (Joseph goes out) It's Rigolin and his little one.

Gentillac
Oh, I am going to find my paper.

Fauconnet (to Artemise)
Oh, look, my honey bunny. Now, what do you want from me?

Artemise (rising, going to the right)
Oh, go! I see clearly. You scorn me.

Fauconnet
Oh, not at all. Look. What an idea. Artemise!

(Fauconnet takes Artemise in his arms.)

Fauconnet (patting her on the back to console her)
Not at all, look. Come on, come on, okay?

Artemise
Ah!

Fauconnet (aside)
Still, if my wife were to come in just now. (aloud) Come on, Artemise.

(Clarisse and Emilie enter, escorted by Joseph)

Joseph
This is it!

(Joseph leaves.)

Clarisse
Thanks.

Fauconnet (turning)
Say there, Rigolin— My wife!

Clarisse (stupefied at seeing a woman in her husband's arms)
Ah!

Artemise
His wife!

Clarisse
Ah! So! What are you doing?

Fauconnet (looking for Gentillac)
His wife! It's his wife! Where is he? Where is he?

Clarisse
Who's that?

Fauconnet
Gentillac. It's his wife. (to Artemise) Are you better? Are you okay?

Artemise
What?

Fauconnet
Your back! (to Clarisse) She swallowed a little bone so I was tapping her on the back. Right?

Artemise
Yes! Yes!

Fauconnet (presenting)
My wife, Madame Gentillac! And old, old friend. (the women greet each other) But, she's not mine. Her husband went to find some water for her.

Clarisse
Ah! What story are you telling?

Fauconnet
But it's the truth, dear friend, the truth. (calling) Gentillac, Gentillac!

Voice of Gentillac
Here I am.

Fauconnet
You see, he's answering. He's answering. He's the friend I mentioned. Ah, well, I am happy to see you. What did you come here for?

Clarisse
But, damn! You wrote me: “We are dining at the Cafe Anglais with Gentillac—come join us.”

Fauconnet (aside)
Holy cow!

Clarisse
“And bring Emilie.”

Fauconnet (aside)
Ah, I must have switched the envelopes. (aloud) Yes, yes.

Emilie
You were very kind to think of me, only I was in bed.

Fauconnet
Ah!

Clarisse
Yes, and I was going to bed. What idea possessed you to come here?

Fauconnet
Well, here we are. Oh, you have a little spot—

Clarisse
That doesn't matter!

Fauconnet
The meeting didn't last as long as I thought. I said to Gentillac: “Come dine with me.” He said: “I cannot, I have my wife.” “Well, bring her,” I said. And then I said: “I will send word to my wife for her to come.” And that's why I wrote you.

Clarisse
That was sweet. But, why have me bring Emilie. I had to get her up.

Fauconnet
Why, so you wouldn't come alone at this hour. And, I thought—I thought that it would amuse this girl to see how things are done in the great restaurants.

Emilie
Ah, fine. At this hour, it's a funny idea. I can't be amused when I am sleeping.

Fauconnet
It's an opportunity to learn the service.

Emilie
But, I already know the principles, sir. I have a cousin who was the busboy at The Golden Lion.

Fauconnet
So, look! She has a busboy in the family. A busboy in the family!

Emilie
The son of my aunt, even, the sister of my mother.

Fauconnet
Otherwise, known as your cousin germane.

Emilie
No, my cousin Thomas.

Fauconnet
As you please. (aside) She's stupid. (aloud) And now, hey, hey—I think we can go together, okay?

Clarisse
Huh, what did you bring us here for?

Fauconnet
Hum! Not at all. I mean to say, we are doing to dine soon. Hey, hey, we can go then.

Clarisse
Ah! Good! (going to Artemise) My husband has spoken to me a lot about your husband, madame.

Artemise
Ah, ah, truly.

Fauconnet
Yes, yes.

Clarisse
They are old college friends—that is what I was told.

Artemise
Ah.

Fauconnet
Yes, yes.

Clarisse
But, Jerome never told me that Mr. Gentillac was married. I am very pleased at that—this will allow us to enter into relations.

Artemise
But, certainly, madame.

Fauconnet (aside)
Oh, oh. Uh, oh.

Clarisse
Your back is still bothering you?

Artemise
Not at all! Not at all!

Clarisse
Well, so much the better.

Emilie (aside)
Was it to see all this that I got up?

Gentillac (entering, papers in hand)
Here! It had slid into the binding.

Fauconnet (going to Gentillac)
Here he is. Here is Gentillac. You see, I didn't invent him. (presenting) My wife.

Gentillac
How are you? (recognizing Clarisse, aside) My lady from the tunnel.

Emilie (aside)
Ah, the gentleman from the train.

Gentillac (embarrassed, bowing)
Madame.

Clarisse
Sir! Your face is not unknown to me, sir. If I am not mistaken, I believe we travelled together yesterday on the train.

Gentillac
God!

Artemise
What?

Fauconnet (jumping)
What did you say? What did you say?

Clarisse
I said I was with this gentleman on the train returning from Auteuil.

Emilie
Yes, yes, madame, it is he. (to Gentillac) Hello, sir!

Fauconnet (jumping at the throat of Gentillac)
Oh, so you travelled together. Ah, monster! Ah, rogue. Ah, traitor.

All
Ah! My God!

Gentillac
Fauconnet, let me explain to you.

Fauconnet
Not at all!

Clarisse
But, what's got into you?

Fauconnet
Shut up, madame. You haven't the right to say a single word.

Clarisse
What?

Fauconnet
Oh, but, I will have your life! We will fight.

Gentillac
But, look—

Fauconnet
Useless! Where is my hat? In the washroom?

(Fauconnet goes toward the right.)

Gentillac
But—

Fauconnet
Let's go! Sir!

Gentillac
Ah, well. Let's go.

(Fauconnet and Gentillac both go into the washroom from which can be heard their shouts.)

Artemise (going to where they have gone)
My God, they are going to strangle each other.

Clarisse
But, what is wrong with them, madame?

Artemise
It's that Mr. Gentillac told your husband the whole story of the train.

Clarisse
The whole story?

Artemise
He knows everything! Ah, my God! My God!

(Artemise disappears to the right and her voice can be heard mingling confusedly with those of the men.)

Clarisse
But, the whole story! But what story? There is no story.

(Gentillac is leaving, hat on his head, his tie pulled out.)

Gentillac (replying to Fauconnet who cannot be seen)
Well, so be it. Tomorrow. (to Clarisse) Ah, madame, why did you tell your husband of our meeting on the train?

Clarisse
And, what is wrong in that?

Gentillac
The wrong was not to realize that I might have told him everything.

Clarisse
All about what?

Gentillac
Why, all that happened.

Clarisse
But, nothing happened, sir.

Gentillac
What do you mean nothing happened?

Clarisse (going to the right and calling to her husband who cannot be
seen) Ah, Jerome, but, this is infamous—

Voice of Fauconnet
Oh! Don't waste your time trying to explain to me.

(The door closes. One hears only noise of hushed voices.)

Gentillac
She just said that to me.

Emilie (going to Gentillac)
Ah, what is happening?

Gentillac
Oh, go take a walk, will you?

Emilie
Ah, you are not nice. You know I was going to the Hotel Terminus with you tomorrow.

Gentillac (jumping)
What did you say? What did you say?

Emilie (terrified)
Ah, my God!

Gentillac (going to the door and opening it brutally)
Come everyone, Come on, come! I tell you to come.

(Everyone is astonished and comes on stage while still arguing together.)

Gentillac
Hush! Silence! Shut up! (everyone is quiet, to Emilie) And you, speak now! What did you just tell me?

Emilie
But, nothing, sir.

Gentillac
Yes, yes, but you just said something to me. Just now.

Emilie
Ah, fine, but hold on. Yes, but not in front of everybody.

Gentillac
Do you want to repeat it or do you want me to strangle you?

Emilie
No, no! I said: “You know, I will go tomorrow to the Hotel Terminus.”

All
Huh?

Gentillac (grabbing her)
And so, the person I took in the darkness to be your mistress, and who came to sit beside me in the tunnel—was— Go on, speak.

Emilie (crying)
I was she, sir. I was she.

(Emilie stutters and mispronounces these words. Gentillac pushes her away so violently. She almost falls.)

Gentillac
Well, well. You understand everything now?

Fauconnet
Ah, God be praised, yes.

Gentillac
Ah, madame, pardon me for having thought for even an instant—

Clarisse
Ah, sir. It's unworthy for a gallant man to behave this way, to lightly compromise a woman from boastfulness, to boast of a so-called good fortune which leads to what—to a conquest of a serving girl.

(At this moment Emilie, seated by the chimney, blows her nose nosily.)

Clarisse
What was that?

Fauconnet
Nothing, she blew her nose.

Clarisse
And, before whom do you continue to boast? Before your wife!

Gentillac
My wife! What wife?

Clarisse (pointing to Artemise)
Madame.

Artemise and Fauconnet
Aie!

Gentillac
She! But, she's not my wife! Do I know her? I don't even know her name.

(Gentillac goes and sits at the piano.)

Fauconnet (aside)
Ah, the coward!

Clarisse (to Fauconnet)
Huh? What did you call me, sir?

Fauconnet
No, I am going to explain to you.

Clarisse
You are lying! I understand everything! Ah, ah! You were having a party, Mr. Fauconnet.

Fauconnet
But—

Clarisse
While I thought you were at your all night session you were dining with courtesans!

Fauconnet
But—

Artemise
Huh?

Clarisse
And what courtesans! Old courtesans!

Artemise
Madame!

Clarisse
Ah, no, no. It's enough to make me die laughing. Look at who you are deceiving me with! No, it must be some kinky vice.

Fauconnet
Clarisse!

Artemise (to Gentillac at the piano)
Sir, are you going to let me be insulted any longer?

Gentillac
Ah, my dear lady, I have other things to think of.

Artemise
That's fine, sir. I thought I was dealing with men of the world. There's nothing else to do but go! Where is my mantilla?

Gentillac (very amiable)
The exit is that way, madame.

Clarisse
Ah, they give you some nice parties, Mr. Fauconnet.

Fauconnet
Clarisse!

Clarisse (walking upstage)
It's not enough to have orgies, you have to have the cynicism to invite me.

Fauconnet
I?

Clarisse (walking back)
Yes, with my maid.

Fauconnet
Oh!

Gentillac
Look, madame—

Clarisse
Ah! You! You're a fine job.

(Clarisse moves to the left. Bamboche appears at the rear with Rigolin.)

Bamboche
We are back. Hey, hey!

Rigolin
Say there, Fauconnet. Why did you write me not to wait up for you and call me sweetheart?

Fauconnet
Huh?

Clarisse
He wrote you?

Rigolin
Right, my pretty child. See?

(Rigolin shows the letter to Clarisse.)

Fauconnet
Rigolin!

Rigolin (looking Clarisse over appreciatively)
Charming, your little recruit from the Opera Ball.

(Rigolin puts his hand around Clarisse's waist.)

Clarisse
Sir!

(Clarisse gives Rigolin a whack.)

Fauconnet
Wretch! That's my wife.

Rigolin
The devil! (bowing to Clarisse) Enchanted, madame.

Clarisse
Yes, sir, his wife. His wife who is equally enchanted with all she has learned. Oh, oh! So, it's to the Opera Ball that you went to find your little sweetie?

Fauconnet
Clarisse!

Clarisse (to Rigolin)
And now, sir, I will give you your letter—not that one. “Don't wait for me, go to bed.” This was for me. (pulling the other letter from her pocket) But this one: “We are dining at the Cafe Anglais with Gentillac, come join us. Bring Emilie.” Emilie is madame, doubtless.

Bamboche (coming up)
Uh, yes, madame.

Clarisse
Right? Yes. I, I thought she was my maid. (Bamboche backs off, giving the letter to Rigolin) Eh, fine. It's for you.

(Rigolin goes toward Bamboche.)

Fauconnet
There. Everything is straightened out!

Clarisse
Go, sir. Go on ahead! We will have our explanation at home.

Fauconnet
Yes, sweetheart.

(Fauconnet exits.)

Clarisse
Come, Emilie!

Emilie
If this was worth the trouble of getting up for!

(They leave. The others look at each other, then burst out into laughter.)

Gentillac
Well, there's a story.

Rigolin
Ah, well. I made a pretty mess. I thought she was his bird from the Opera Ball.

Gentillac
Eh, no, unfortunately, his bird is here. It's even aging. (pointing to the washroom)

Rigolin
There?

Gentillac
Yes, hold there she is.

(Artemise comes out. Her face is entirely covered by lace.)

Artemise (to Gentillac)
And no, I am leaving.

Rigolin
Ah, you here, pretty masked one.

(Rigolin hugs Artemise around the waist.)

Artemise (as she opens her mantilla)
My nephew.

Rigolin
My aunt!

Bamboche and Gentillac
His aunt!

Rigolin
My aunt, here?

Artemise
My nephew. Give your card to this gentleman.

(Artemise points to Gentillac and goes downstage left.)

Rigolin
Ah! Him? But, he knows me.

Artemise
I tell you to give him your card. He insulted me! If you wish to remain my nephew, do what I tell you.

Rigolin
The devil. (low to Gentillac) Look, here's my card, since she will have it so. We will arrange things amicably.

Artemise
You will kill this gentleman!

Rigolin
I told you.

Gentillac (looking at the card)
Huh, you have moved?

Rigolin
Yes, that other place was too expensive.

Artemise
And now, you are going to take me home?

Rigolin
Yes, Auntie! (aside) What slavery!

Artemise (to Rigolin)
Come!

(Artemise goes out.)

Bamboche
Eh! Well, and me?

Rigolin
Ah! Yes. Gentillac, I intrust her to you.

Artemise (outside)
Well, my nephew!

Rigolin
Here I am, Auntie. (raging) Oh! One and a half million francs! One and a half million francs!

(Bamboche and Gentillac look at each other.)

Bamboche
And, now?

Gentillac
Well, now, here we are.

(Gentillac sits and takes her two hands.)

Bamboche
Say, I never thought the two of us would end up together tonight.

Gentillac
No, nor did I. It doesn't bore you?

Bamboche
Oh, no. Only, we mustn't tell Rigolin.

Gentillac
You're stupid!

(Gentillac pulls Bamboche onto his knees and pats her cheeks.)

Bamboche
Oh. Darling! (putting her head on Gentillac's shoulder, with a profoundly philosophic tone) Ah, life is funny!


CURTAIN