LEGIONNAIRES DISEASE A Comedy in Three Acts

By Georges Feydeau

EText by Dagny
  • Act I.
  • Act II.
  • Act III.
  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
    Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
    performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
    audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
    or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
    Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
    frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

                        


                         Translated and Adapted by

                         Frank J. Morlock
                         C 1999


    CHARACTERS:

    Paginet

    Livergin
    Plumarel
    Earnest Dardillon
    Rasanville
    Joseph
    Patrigeot
    Madame Paginet
    Targinette
    Simone
    Madame Livergin
    Rosanville


    At Paris. Paginet's place.


    Act I.

    Paginet's work study. In the back to the right, a large entry door giving on a vestibule. A large window to the left with a balcony. Also to the left a chimney surmounted by a mirror. Between the chimney and the balcony a door with two flats giving on the apartments of Madame Paginet. To the right, a door also with two flats. Chairs on each side of the door. Tables, chairs, a piano. On the piano a telephone linked to the chimney by a cord which lies on the floor.

    AT RISE, Joseph, dressed in a white tie, is straightening out the papers on the table. The telephone rings.

    Joseph
    Ah, the telephone. (going to the telephone) Hello! Hello! What a wonderful contraption the telephone is. To think, you can communicate over long distances. (into telephone) Hello, hello. But now always well. Hey. Hello. Look, what? I don't understand. Speak louder. Huh? Indeed. Don't scream like that. I'm not deaf. That's better. Doctor Paginet? What do you want with him? Yes, indeed, it works fine. Can you imagine, calling to ask if the telephone works well? That's for them to know about, not me. What a damn invention!

    Paginet (entering, going to his desk)
    Joseph?

    Joseph
    Sir?

    Paginet (writing without looking at Joseph)
    Has my wife returned?

    Joseph
    No, sir.

    Paginet
    Not yet?

    Joseph
    Ah! No, sir.

    Paginet
    It's three days since I last saw her.

    Joseph
    She went to the home for orphan children. She's the president.

    Paginet
    It's true! There's a woman devoted to her work.

    Joseph
    Yes, sir. But, what wonderful work. If you knew how they speak of her in the papers. They say she's a saint.

    Paginet
    It's a just comparison. Go tell my niece I need to speak to her.

    Joseph
    To Miss Simone! Why, she's here already.

    (Joseph points to Simone who comes in from the left. Joseph goes out the back.)

    Paginet
    Ah, there you are, Simone. Perfect child. I have to have a serious talk with you.

    Simone
    With me? Heavens! That smells of marriage, uncle.

    Paginet (aside)
    She's got a nose for news. (aloud) Well, indeed. It is a question of marriage. You're surely not opposed to that idea?

    Simone
    Does one ask such a question of a young girl. Have I been asked for?

    Paginet
    Exactly. And I wanted to consult with you before mentioning it to your aunt.

    Simone
    That's very sweet.

    Paginet
    You will see. He's not the first comer.

    Simone
    Oh, I know, indeed. Shall I paint his portrait for you? He's blond with blue eyes.

    Paginet
    Not at all. He's brown-haired with black eyes.

    Simone
    Huh? Why, his name's not—

    Paginet
    Yes, his name is Lucien.

    Simone
    Ah!

    (The telephone rings.)

    Paginet
    The telephone. Hang on a minute. (going to the telephone) Hello! Hello!

    Simone (aside)
    Why, then, it's not Earnest. Ah, that Earnest. You can count on men— wet chickens!

    Paginet (into the telephone)
    Hello. Who is this? What? Huh?

    Simone
    What is it?

    Paginet
    I don't know! It's a gentleman who says: “It's is I, Earnest. I am coming.”

    Simone (aside)
    My God! It's Earnest. The mad fool! (aloud) It must be someone mistaken. I am going to play him a trick. You're going to see.

    Paginet
    Why, no. Look, don't do that.

    Simone
    Yes, yes. You are going to see. (to the telephone) Here I am, Earnest.

    Paginet
    What a kidder.

    Simone
    Yes, I'll always love you!

    Paginet
    Come on! Come on! Simone!

    Simone
    Lave me alone. (into the telephone) Come. Time presses. Huh You got my letter? Well, follow the directions, step by step.

    Paginet
    She's very poised!

    Simone (into the telephone)
    Why, yes. Look, he who risks nothing, gains nothing. Goodbye, I love you. (pushes the cut-off three times) There! That's very amusing.

    Paginet
    Why, the poor guy! What you were doing, that was rather presumptuous.

    Simone
    Ah, bah! It's under the cover of anonymity. Well, let's see, let's talk, uncle. Who is this handsome suitor?

    Paginet
    Well, here it is. He's Mr. Plumarel.

    Simone
    Ah, the nephew of the Minister?

    Paginet
    How do you like him?

    Simone
    Ah, very nice! Very nice, and, after all, he's the nephew of the Minister.

    Paginet
    Exactly. And I can really confide in you that to the Minister it's really a question of my promotion to the Legion of Honor.

    Simone
    And that's really fair. You've got all the titles.

    Paginet
    Child! Everyone in the world has titles. When you want them, you always get them.

    Simone
    Except when they don't exist?

    Paginet
    Those folks are called exceptional. You see, it's just like with books. It's not the title that sells them, it's there reputations. Well, with Plumarel, it's my reputation.

    Simone
    I understand. He warms you up with his uncle. He hammers on you.

    Paginet
    Ah, very hard. And, as you say, he hammers me, he hammers me through his uncle. And, therefore, therefore—I offer him to you as a husband.

    Simone
    But, I thinks that's perfectly fine, uncle.

    Paginet
    Then, I can tell him?

    Simone
    Do you think he must be told like that, right away?

    Paginet
    Why not? Do you see any inconveniences?

    Simone
    For me—none! But, for you! You know human nature is very ungrateful.

    Paginet
    What?

    Simone
    Hell, if you gave him my hand right away—it's all over. And, if later, you are not decorated, you're stuck!

    Paginet
    That's perfectly true.

    Simone
    Make them give you the decoration first.

    Paginet
    Yes, against payment.

    Simone
    That's right, uncle. In life, you have to be practical.

    Paginet
    Why, you're right! And here I was not thinking of that at all! To see you engaged, married—and then nothing—after all, that's hardly reasonable. If you loved this lad, I would have said forget about my decoration, but since, at the moment, you don't love him, I don't want you to marry for prunes.

    Simone
    That's fair. (to audience) That's my uncle.

    Paginet
    Heavens, you are astonishing! A woman that understands everything. Then, I shall say to Plumarel—

    Simone
    Deliver the goods on payment.

    Paginet
    That's that.

    (Paginet goes out to the right.)

    Simone
    Yes, go, uncle. Your Plumarel's not my husband yet. But, what's Earnest doing? I told him to hurry—and he's not here yet!

    (Joseph comes from the rear introducing Earnest.)

    Simone (aside)
    There he is!

    Earnest (aside) There she is! (aloud, to Joseph) Ah, sir, I am ill—
    very ill.

    Joseph
    My God, sir, it will pass. Here we are used to seeing sick people.

    Earnest
    Indeed. (taking Joseph's hand) Doctor Paginet, right?

    Joseph
    No, his servant.

    Earnest
    Oh! Pardon me.

    Joseph
    Nothing to be upset about. I am going to announce you to the doctor.

    Simone
    No! The doctor is busy. I'll inform him.

    Joseph
    Fine, Miss. (to Earnest) Indeed, Miss is the Doctor's nurse.

    Earnest
    Really? Ah, I am ill, Miss, really ill.

    Joseph (leaving by the rear)
    That lad is in a bad way.

    Earnest (running to Simone)
    Simone!

    Simone
    Ah, you finally got here!

    Earnest
    What do you think of my way of getting in here?

    Simone
    Ingenuious.

    Earnest
    Yes, I don't know what the illness is yet; I am relying on the doctor to find it. Now, speak! What's happening?

    Simone
    Well, we have no time to lose! My uncle wants me to marry.

    Earnest
    Who?

    Simone
    To Mr. Plumarel, the nephew of the Minister who is busy getting him decorated.

    Earnest
    Will he do it?

    Simone
    And in exchange, my uncle is promising him my hand.

    Earnest
    But, your aunt will oppose it?

    Simone
    My aunt? She's mad about Mr. Plumarel, too. He covers her with flowers all day long. Really, like a statue.

    Earnest
    In that case, what are you going to do?

    Simone
    Why, struggle! For the moment, the important thing is for you to be here. I am going to make you take service with my uncle.

    Earnest (protesting)
    You want me to be a servant?

    Simone
    No, but my uncle needs a new assistant in his laboratory. Well, will you be his assistant?

    Earnest
    Me? I'll make everything pop!

    Simone
    All you have to do is be careful. The first time he asks you to perform an experiment, you'll ask him: “Is there any danger of this exploding?” If he tells you no, you can go ahead. There will be nothing to fear.

    Earnest
    Yes! And who knows, if, going into it like a blind man, I don't make a superb discovery.

    Simone
    Hell! Well, that remains to be seen!

    Earnest
    Yes, but why do you think your uncle will take me? He'll ask me for my references, my periods of employment.

    Simone
    I'll take care of that, I will. And then, if you know how to manage my uncle, he's not insensible to flattery. Speak to him about his work— his experiments with magnetism, and especially his famous thesis: “The Destruction of the Microbe.”

    Earnest
    Ah, he doesn't believe in microbes?

    Simone
    No, my uncle is what is known as an Anti-Microbean. (voice of Paginet is heard) I hear him. I am going to leave you. I'll come in, if necessary.

    (Exit Simone.)

    Earnest
    Then, here I am, going to be a doctor's assistant! Me! After all, doctor's assistants, before coming doctor's assistants, were not doctor's assistants. Everything has its beginning.

    (Earnest notices Paginet entering from the right.)

    Paginet
    Oh, excuse me, sir. They didn't tell me you were here. To whom do I have the honor?

    Earnest
    Dardillon. Earnest Dardillon.

    Paginet
    My respects, sir. And what do you want?

    Earnest
    What do I want? Why, to be the humble servant of one of the greatest scientists of the century. The most zealous disciple of our greatest light—of the one who dares to say aloud what we are thinking to ourselves: “The Destruction of the Microbe.”

    Paginet
    Ah, sir—

    Earnest
    I know you are looking for an assistant. Well, if you want the most devoted, the most assiduous of all—take me.

    Paginet
    You, why, you know this requires a certain amount of experience? Do you already have some experience in the field?

    Earnest
    Why, my God, sir, I will admit to you—

    Simone (entering from the left)
    Ah, excuse, uncle. I thought you were above.

    Paginet
    Ah, that doesn't matter. (presenting Earnest) Mr. Dardillon, my niece.

    Earnest (bowing as if he didn't know Simone)
    Enchanted, Miss.

    Simone
    Mr. Dardillon. Aren't you the famous assistant?

    Earnest
    Huh, me—(with cheek) Yes, yes.

    Paginet
    What?

    Simone
    Oh, sir, why, there's been nothing but talk of you in the papers recently.

    Paginet
    There's been talk of him?

    Earnest (modestly)
    Oh! Oh!

    Simone (to Paginet, cagily)
    This gentleman? Haven't you read about him in the papers?

    Paginet
    No, no. I get little chance to read the papers.

    Simone
    This is the gentleman that Pasteur offered whatever he wanted to become his assistant.

    Paginet
    Go on! And you refused?

    Earnest
    As a matter of fact—

    Simone
    And he replied with this famous phrase: “I won't believe in microbes unless I see them with my naked eye.”

    Paginet
    You said that?

    Ernest
    So it seems. (aside) She's got nerve.

    Paginet
    Well, Simone, you can't imagine. This gentleman—the gentleman who refused Pasteur's offer—he's just asked me to take him as my assistant.

    Simone
    Him! Oh, uncle—what an honor!

    Paginet (shaking Earnest's hand)
    Ah, sir.

    Simone (also shaking Earnest's hand)
    Ah, sir.

    (Joseph come in at the rear with some flowers.)

    Paginet
    What's all that?

    Joseph
    Madame has returned with Mr. Plumarel with a dwarf palm and some flowers.

    Earnest (to Joseph)
    Oh, oh, you're loaded down.

    Joseph
    Heavens! You're no longer sick?

    Earnest
    No. I'm an assistant.

    (Paginet watches his wife and Plumarel enter carrying boxes of roses.)

    Paginet
    Hello, my dear.

    Simone
    Hello, auntie!

    Mrs. Paginet (pointing to the flowers)
    Another graciousness of Mr. Plumarel.

    Simone (low to Earnest)
    There! What was I telling you?

    Paginet
    This dear Plumarel—

    Plumarel
    I won't shake your hand because mine are full.

    Paginet
    Wait! My little Plumarel, follow Joseph and take those flowers into the office.

    Plumarel
    Yes! I shall return!

    (Plumarel leaves with Joseph by the left.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah! what a session at the orphanage!

    Paginet (presenting his wife to Earnest)
    Mrs. Paginet, my wife, president of the Orphanage of Bastard Children.

    Earnest (bowing)
    A very fine work, Madame!

    Paginet
    Mr. Dardillon! I have no need to say more.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Sir!

    Paginet
    You've read about him in the papers, haven't you?

    Mrs. Paginet
    No. What?

    Paginet
    This is the gentleman who told Pasteur: “I wouldn't believe in microbes even if I saw them with my naked eye.”

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh. I didn't know.

    Paginet
    Then, what do you read about in the papers? Well—it's him!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah!

    Paginet
    He's going to help me by becoming my assistant.

    Mrs. Paginet
    I'm delighted, sir.

    Paginet (to his wife)
    Ah, it gives me pleasure to see you. No reproaches, but it's three days since I've laid eyes on you.

    Mrs. Paginet
    It's your fault. I was home all day yesterday. If you hadn't been at St. Faigeau—

    Paginet
    What can I do? I've got patients there. Something good happened to me down there.

    All
    What was it?

    Paginet
    As usual, I was dining there at St. Faigeau. There was a great banquet of reactionaries—you know who the president was? Picardon?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Picardon?

    Paginet
    When he saw me, he insisted I have coffee with them. There was no way to refuse.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You were in the opposition.

    Paginet
    Bah! They weren't talking science. All they talked of was women!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Doctor Paginet, you are a little scamp.

    Plumarel (coming in from the left)
    Ah, now I can shake hands, at least. (to Simone) Ah, Miss Simone, why, I didn't see you.

    Simone
    That wouldn't be too bad!

    Plumarel (bowing to Earnest)
    Sir!

    Paginet
    It's true. I haven't presented Mr. Plumarel, nephew of the Minister. Mr. Dardillon, my new assistant.

    Plumarel
    Dardillon? Why, I know that name.

    Paginet
    By God! You must have read about him n the paper. He's the gentleman who told Pasteur he wouldn't believe in microbes even if he saw them with his naked eye.

    Earnest (aside)
    Ah! Why, he bores me with that quotation.

    Plumarel
    No, that's not it. (to Dardillon) Don't you have a relative at Number 7 in St. Louis?

    Earnest
    A relative! I am he.

    Plumarel
    Heavens! You! Don't you recognize me? Plumarel?

    Earnest
    Why, yes, indeed. I recognize you quite well by your name.

    Paginet
    They know each other? Well, there you are! They leave college and meet as nephew of a Minister—

    Plumarel
    Ah, on the subject of the Minister—I am busy about your decoration.

    Paginet
    Right! Yes, yes! That's fine. Wait. Mr. Dardillon, if you what to visit your laboratory—(pointing to the door of the laboratory)

    Earnest
    Very willingly. Goodbye, Plumarel.

    Plumarel (to Dardillon)
    See you again soon.

    Simone
    As for me, I'm going to my room.

    (Dardillon enters the laboratory. Simone leaves by the left.)

    Paginet
    I beg you, my friend. Pay attention to what you are saying. You were about to speak of my decoration in front of this young man. What's that boy going to think! Okay, what's new?

    Plumarel
    Well, my dear fellow. I think this time it's in the bag.

    Paginet
    Really? You've seen the minister?

    Plumarel
    Yes, I've seen my uncle. All is going well.

    Paginet
    Ah, what joy. Why, you know, Plumarel, I won't forget it. As for me, I'm no ingrate! You understand me, don't you? You get me?

    Mrs. Paginet
    What are you talking about?

    Paginet
    Nothing. He understands, he understands me. Ah, my dear Plumarel—

    Plumarel
    Oh, why thank Mrs. Paginet as well. If she hadn't spoken to my uncle the ways she did yesterday—

    Paginet
    You spoke to the Minister?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh, a word yesterday as they were giving out prizes at our orphanage. He was presiding.

    Paginet
    Ah, baby!

    Mrs. Paginet
    It will give me so much pleasure to see my ning nong decorated.

    Paginet
    And to me, too. First off, it will please Livergin—dear old Livergin.

    Plumarel
    Who's this Livergin?

    Paginet
    An old friend of mine. I've known him twenty years.

    Plumarel
    Twenty years. That must create close bonds!

    Paginet
    Hell, yes, because this Livergin has the nastiest disposition— envious, spiteful.

    Plumarel (aside)
    Oh, really! (aloud) How come I've never met him?

    Paginet
    Don't gripe about it. He'd never leave you alone. He's a poor pharmacist, who, under the pretext that he invented some lozenges— Livergin's Lozenges—is angling for a decoration. He stirs up the world. He demands help. He's loathsome.

    Plumarel
    Well, then, you think he'll be happy to see you decorated?

    Paginet
    Him? He will be furious. The mere thought of that will please me.

    Joseph (entering from the rear)
    Sir!

    Paginet
    What is it?

    Joseph
    There's a lady who came, some time ago already—and she's from the Academy.

    Paginet
    A lady from the Academy?

    Joseph
    Yes, sir. She skips as she walks. Miss—(trying to remember her name) Tar—Tar—

    Paginet
    Targinette?

    Joseph
    Yes, sir.

    Plumarel
    What? Targinette!

    Paginet
    Yes. And he told me she's from the Academy. She's a dancer!

    Joseph
    She prides herself on it, perhaps, but she told me she was from the Academy of Music.

    Paginet
    Ah, yes. But it's not the same thing. Ah, Miss Targinette? So, she's decided to come pay me my honorarium. (to Joseph) Show her in.

    (Exit Joseph.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    A dancer! I must have a lot of confidence in you to allow you to receive a young and pretty dancer whose legs you've treated.

    Paginet
    Does she have legs! You know quite well that, when a man loves his wife, a dancer's leg is not a leg. And besides, she owes me some money. Consequently—

    Plumarel
    Consequently, she won't pay you.

    Paginet
    What do you know about it? Do you know her?

    Plumarel
    Who is the young man in Paris who doesn't know Targinette a little!

    Paginet
    Yes! Well, as I am not a young man, we shall see if she doesn't pay me. Oh! She's not going to cheat me.

    Joseph (entering and announcing)
    Miss Targinette!

    Paginet (low to Mrs. Paginet)
    Go, baby, go.

    (Mrs. Paginet leaves by the left with Plumarel.)

    Targinette (entering from the rear)
    Hello, my good doctor!

    Paginet
    Ah, there you are, my dear child. I admit I was a little astonished by your long silence.

    Targinette
    Oh, yes—scold me! Scold me! I am a villain! You, to whom I owe gratitude—

    Paginet
    Why, no. You don't owe me gratitude.

    Targinette
    Gratitude doesn't argue—it proves itself.

    Paginet
    Yes, but I am not for gratitude to doctors. The doctor brings you his knowledge, the merchant his goods—and the client brings you in exchange the fruits of his labors. That's why the ancients invented money.

    Targinette
    Ah, what a great invention, doctor.

    Paginet
    Oh, it's convenient. It's convenient compared to old-fashioned barter, when for ten sacks of wheat you paid with five sheep. I don't see you bringing me five sheep.

    Targinette
    Oh, me either, doctor. Five sheep!

    Paginet
    Whereas, with money, which is the equivalent of the said five sheep, you can satisfy those to whom you are indebted.

    Targinette
    Evidently. And, as for me, when I have a debt, it prevents me from sleeping.

    Paginet
    And not sleeping is very bad!

    Targinette
    So, I said to myself: “I'm going to see the doctor, I owe him a visit.”

    Paginet
    Several visits.

    Targinette
    In that sense, several visits.

    Paginet
    And they said she was a cheater!

    Paginet
    It's just because of your excellent services that I am able to dance today.

    Paginet
    You are dancing now?

    Targinette (fumbling in her pocket)
    Yes, in Coppelea.

    Paginet
    What are you looking for?

    Targinette
    My purse.

    Paginet
    Oh, I ask your pardon.

    Targinette
    Yes! Because I took precautions. (looking in her purse) And, I'm bringing you—

    Paginet
    Oh, it's no rush! It's no rush!

    Targinette
    Why, yes! I have my tickets with me.

    Paginet
    Tickets. (between his teeth) I must have the money.

    (Paginet goes to his desk and opens a drawer.)

    Targinette
    Here. (offering a ticket) For you and your wife!

    Paginet (taking the ticket)
    What's that? Why is it blank?

    Targinette
    Because it's free.

    Paginet (reading)
    Two seats—at the Opera. (aside) Ah, indeed! She's rather bold, this one! (aloud) No, I thank you. Tomorrow I am not free—and then, when I go to the theatre I pay on principle. The director brings you his merchandise, as for me, I bring him the fruits of my labor.

    Targinette
    Yes, you're returning to your sheep.

    Paginet
    Hell, yes—hell yes—ten sacks of wheat, five sheep, I'm back there.

    Targinette
    Ah, how right you are. To feel one owes nothing to anyone.

    Paginet
    Indeed, yes.

    Targinette
    To go about with your head held high!

    Paginet
    That's the truth.

    Targinette
    Oh, yes, to pay—to pay—there's nothing like it.

    Paginet (aside)
    But for all that she's not paying me.

    Targinette
    To pay, as you are able—in money, or otherwise—but pay! Ah, how much I advise the story of the woman, who too poor to pay a doctor that had saved her husband, was too proud to remain the doctor's debtor, so she gave herself to the doctor as payment for curing her husband. Beautiful, isn't it?

    Paginet
    As a story, yes.

    Targinette (putting her arm around his neck)
    As for me—I think it's classical. Don't you, my good doctor?

    Paginet (aside)
    What's she planning to do? (aloud) Yes! Yes!

    Targinette (running her hand through his hair)
    Ah, beautiful hair, pretty hair.

    Paginet (aside)
    She's tickling me.

    Targinette
    Is all of it yours?

    Paginet
    Evidently. It's mine.

    Targinette
    Oh, how handsome he is. How handsome!

    Paginet
    I beg your pardon. I am very ticklish.

    (Paginet goes to sit on the couch.)

    Targinette
    Ah, the doctor is ticklish, is he? (sitting next to him) Do you know what they said about you the other night at the Opera? They said: “Oh, that Paginet must be a great hit with the ladies.”

    Paginet
    Huh? Me? Ah, no!

    Targinette (cuddling closer)
    Ah, yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

    (Paginet recoils. Targinette looks at him and he lowers his gaze.)

    Targinette
    You see, you cannot tell me that and face me.

    Paginet
    Ah! Why's that? Yes!

    (Paginet meets Targinette's fixed gaze. He is very confused. He looks at the ceiling, then the floor.)

    Targinette
    What's wrong with you?

    Paginet
    Nothing. (aside) She upsets me with her eyes.

    Targinette (moving very close)
    Ah, the little doctor who seems to want nothing.

    (Paginet recoils. Targinette cuddles closer.)

    Paginet (aside, almost falling off the couch)
    Ah, is she going to sit on my lap?

    Targinette
    Your poor wife must have a lot to complain of.

    Paginet
    No, indeed. No, indeed.

    (Targinette takes the end of her skirt and drops it over Paginet's knees.)

    Targinette
    Oh, yes—indeed.

    Paginet
    Now, there's an attitude. She's going to make me have scenes with my wife! (rising) I ask your pardon. I regret to contradict you. When one is lucky enough to be married to my wife, one is protected against appearances.

    Targinette
    Excuse me. (aside) There's no use with a man like that. He's made of wood.

    Paginet (aside)
    I see her game. She wants to pay me with promises.

    Targinette
    Well, doctor, I congratulate you. You are a rare bird! If they decorated faithful husbands, you would deserve the cross—not just the title.

    Paginet
    Why, madame, you may not be far from the truth.

    Targinette
    You are going to be decorated as a model husband?

    Paginet
    No, madame, not as a model husband. I have other titles to my credit. I don't speak of the numberless cures I've performed, but my work, my famous work—The Destruction of the Microbe. You've doubtless read it?

    Targinette
    I bought it.

    Paginet
    Ah, indeed, that's great! Well, read it. And you think there aren't any, right?

    Targinette
    Ah, yes—

    Paginet
    When the Minister has placed me among the Elect, won't you believe he's done an act of high justice?

    Targinette
    Meaning he's rectified an act of injustice?

    Paginet
    Yes.

    Targinette (aside)
    Ah, I see the hole in your amour. (aloud) Well, my dear doctor, it's really rather strange, it's just what the Minister was saying about you the other night, at the Opera.

    Paginet
    The Minister said that?

    Targinette
    Yes. It was precisely when we were speaking of your success with women. And he said about you: “Doctor Paginet is not like most lecherous old doctors as you seem to think. All his life, he's been faithful to his wife.”

    Paginet
    The Minister said that?

    Targinette
    I was there. He added: “That man has only had two mistresses.”

    Paginet
    That's false.

    Targinette
    “His wife and science.”

    Paginet
    Ah, yes!

    Targinette
    “And what a lift he's given medicine.”

    Paginet
    The Minister said that?

    Targinette
    I was there. And many other things as well which I won't mention because you might think I'm trying to flatter you. I'm prattling too much and boring you.

    Paginet
    Why, not at all! Continue. And did he speak of my decoration?

    Targinette
    Ah, indeed! He said: “If that man doesn't deserve a medal, I ask myself who does?”

    Paginet
    The Minister said that! Ah, my dear child. Will you allow me to tell this to my wife?

    Targinette
    What do you think?

    Paginet
    I beg your pardon not keeping you longer, but joy—ah, how can I ever thank you?

    Targinette
    Why, not at all, doctor. We are quits. Go, I don't want to retain you. Go, goodbye, doctor.

    Paginet
    Goodbye, my child. (aside) She is charming.

    Targinette (aside, going out by the back)
    Done to a turn. For a minute I thought I might have to pay that bill.

    Paginet (calling)
    Baby! Baby!

    Mrs. Paginet and Plumarel (entering)
    What's wrong?

    Paginet
    Ah, my friends. You were telling the truth! This time we're going to have that little ribbon.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You're decorated?

    Paginet
    Almost. Do you know what the Minister said yesterday at the Opera? “If Paginet doesn't deserve the cross, I don't know who does.”

    Plumarel and Mrs. Paginet
    Really?

    Paginet
    And, what pleases me most is that, if I get it, I owe it only to myself. Before I might have said: “It's because of my wife, perhaps, or Plumarel.” Well, no! I meet the test. I don't owe it to anyone.

    Plumarel (between his teeth)
    Oh, to no one!

    Mrs. Paginet
    But, who told you all this?

    Paginet
    Targinette, who just left a moment ago.

    Mrs. Paginet
    By the way, did she pay you your fee?

    Paginet
    Yes, she paid me. Oh, oh. Why, no, she didn't pay me.

    Mrs. Paginet (suspicious)
    Then, what were you talking about?

    Paginet
    I don't know. We didn't mention it. I don't know where my head was. But, if she thinks that a conversation will serve—I am going to send to her immediately. Do you have a telegram form?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes, over there.

    Paginet (to Plumarel)
    You will allow me?

    Plumarel
    Why, of course! As for me, I have nothing special to do. I am going to go to the Minister to see if there's any news.

    Paginet
    Well, don't put yourself out for me. Go on, go on. Ah, she's not going to put one over on me.

    (Exit Paginet with Mrs. Paginet.)

    Plumarel
    Let's see. Where did I put my hat?

    (Dardillon comes out of the laboratory.)

    Earnest
    No, guys. There's no more. That's all.

    Plumarel
    Dardillon, who were you talking to?

    Earnest
    To the rabbits. There are some rabbits in there—for the doctor's experiments. I gave them some food—poor little creatures. Ah, it's nice. I was hoping to find you.

    Plumarel
    And me, too.

    Earnest
    Didn't you make me mad enough at college? Why did it have to be me that you beat up?

    Plumarel
    Everybody else was stronger than me! And, then again, I can tell you now, you had a defeated look, and you were a tattle tale.

    Earnest
    I was no informer. I liked to gossip, that's all. But, tell me, it seems you're very tight in this house?

    Plumarel
    Oh, like this!

    Earnest
    Yes! Yes! Still, it's natural enough—you get the husband decorated, you cover the wife with flowers. You are the family's providence.

    Plumarel
    What do you want? These folks are all very sympathetic to me.

    Earnest
    Yes, especially the young girl.

    Plumarel
    The young girl? Who told you that?

    Earnest
    A little bird.

    Plumarel
    Well, since you know, I won't hide from you that I count on becoming the happy spouse of Miss Paginet.

    Earnest
    All my congratulations! And then, Miss Paginet loves you?

    Plumarel
    I don't know.

    Earnest
    Ah, good.

    Plumarel
    Why do you say “Ah, good”?

    Earnest
    Oh, I said “Ah, good” because there are some people who, before popping the question, are interested in knowing if they are loved.

    Plumarel
    Ah, indeed! I don't belong to that school. The principle for me is to be accepted.

    Earnest
    Then, you haven't declared yourself to Miss Paginet?

    Plumarel
    Never! That's my ace in the hole. Get it? What happens, nine times out of ten—a young man gets an entre into a house, he notices a young girl—shows he's impressed with her—and the family gets worried. He's going to compromise the girl. And one fine day they make you understand—in the politest way—that your attentions are misplaced and that, henceforth, it would be better to space out your visits and to remain at home.

    Earnest
    It's true.

    Plumarel
    Meanwhile, there's a young man who penetrates a family. The young girl is pretty. He doesn't even look at her. But all his cares are for the parents. All his attentions! Little by little, he becomes indispensable. The father is vain? He flatters his vanity. The mother is on the decline? He has for her all the attentions, all the gallantry, one would have for a young girl. And then, through the entire house, it's as if a breeze of sympathy were blowing only for you. It's a current that touches everyone—father, mother, relatives, and ends by carrying away that young girl herself that you had only greeted politely in passing. There, old boy, is all my political savvy.

    Earnest
    Yes! Then, according to you, to pay court to a young girl—

    Plumarel
    Begin with the family! If she has a mother, pay court to the mother.

    Earnest
    Right! But, you are going against the stream, you are!

    Plumarel
    Exactly! I am the opposite of running water which flows into streams, which flows into rivers, to get to the sea. As for me, I throw myself at the mother to get to—

    Earnest
    Good! But, Mrs. Paginet is an honest woman?

    Plumarel
    Heavens! I hope so, indeed. If not—but, an honest woman, especially when she's no longer young is still sensible to court being paid to her.

    Earnest
    You're very clever.

    Plumarel
    You see, old boy, I'm not stingy. I reveal my secrets to you. At your service when you need them.

    Earnest
    I'll be sure to employ them.

    (Paginet enters from the right with Mrs. Paginet.)

    Paginet
    What, Plumarel, you're still here? Well, and the Minister?

    Plumarel
    It's true! I was chatting with Dardillon, but I'm off.

    Joseph (entering from the rear)
    Mr. and Mrs. Livergin.

    Paginet
    Ah, it's the pharmacist. (to Plumarel) Go, my friend, go!

    Plumarel
    Right! Immediately.

    (Plumarel bumps into Livergin as he is entering with Mrs. Livergin.)

    Plumarel
    Oh, pardon me.

    Livergin (to Plumarel as his wife goes to shake hands with Mrs.
    Paginet) I'm causing you to leave, sir?

    Plumarel
    Not at all! Not at all!

    Paginet
    Mr. Plumarel is going.

    Livergin
    Plumarel. (low to Paginet) He's the nephew of the Minister. Present me.

    Paginet
    Well! Indeed, yes. Much later! He hasn't got the time. He's in a hurry! (to Plumarel) Go, my friend, go!

    Livergin
    But, look—

    Paginet (very rapidly)
    Oh, okay, here! Mr. Plumarel, nephew of the Minister—Mr. Livergin, pharmacist. (to Plumarel) Go, my friend, go.

    Livergin
    Delighted, sir.

    Paginet
    That's enough! You can say that another time. He's in a hurry; he's in a hurry.

    (Plumarel goes out at the back.)

    Livergin (to his wife)
    What a way of presenting people.

    Paginet
    Aside from that, are you well?

    Livergin
    Very well, thank you. (to Mrs. Paginet) Mrs. Paginet, you are well?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, very well!

    Paginet (presenting Dardillon)
    Mr. Dardillon, my new assistant.

    Livergin
    Delighted, sir. (aside) He presents me to his assistants because they can't do me any good.

    Paginet
    This gentleman—you must have read about him in the newspapers.

    Livergin
    Very likely. I read all the papers.

    Paginet
    Well, this gentleman made the celebrated reply to Pasteur: “I won't believe in microbes, even if I see them with my naked eye.”

    Livergin
    Oh, right, sir. I read it.

    Earnest
    Yes! (aside) Indeed. Simone's pretty clever.

    Joseph (entering from the rear, terrified)
    Sir, sir, all your rabbits are running about the apartment.

    Paginet
    My rabbits?

    Earnest
    My God! I forgot to shut the cage.

    (Dardillon rushes into the laboratory.)

    Joseph
    They're in every room!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, they've got to be caught.

    Paginet (pulling Livergin)
    Yes! Come! Come with us!

    Livergin
    You bore me with your rabbits! Go catch them by yourself.

    (Dardillon is seen crossing the stage in the rear. He is in hot pursuit of a rabbit.)

    Earnest
    There you are! I've got you.

    Paginet
    We've got you! We've got you.

    (Paginet leaves by the rear, followed by Mrs. Paginet and Joseph.)

    Livergin
    If he isn't grotesque with his rabbit hunt in the living room.

    Mrs. Livergin
    The fact is, he has quite a way of receiving us!

    Livergin
    Evidently, for him, we are people of no importance, because he's a doctor and doctors despise pharmacists.

    Mrs. Livergin
    And, in short, what are they coming to, doctors and pharmacists?

    Livergin
    Yes, I ask you. Well, no, that's a poser. The way they treat people. We come to see them—and they are going on a rabbit hunt.

    Mrs. Livergin
    It's so impolite!

    Livergin
    And, it's nothing to what it will be once he gets his decoration. You'll see then how nasty he gets.

    Mrs. Livergin
    You really think they'll decorate him?

    Livergin
    Hell! He's pestered everybody. He's such an intriguer! Ah, it's heartbreaking. (changing tone) By the way, did you see the Minister about my decoration? What did he tell you?

    Mrs. Livergin
    Well, with the letter of introduction your client obtained for you, I was able to get in this morning. I told him you were the inventor of Livergin's suppositories and we would be really happy to see you decorated.

    Livergin
    Very good. What did he say?

    Mrs. Livergin
    He was really charming. He smiled at me and said: “Pretty lady, you have nice legs.”

    Livergin
    He's very gallant. And then?

    Mrs. Livergin
    And then, an employee came in.

    Livergin
    How stupid!

    Mrs. Livergin
    But, as he left, he said: “If I judge the husband by the wife, he must be very sympathetic. We are going to attend to your husband, but you'll have to come back and see me again.”

    Livergin
    What a nice guy! I should think we're going to see him again. Ah, Paginet, you are going to be jealous. If I get the cross, I will owe it only to myself and my wife.

    (Paginet returns from the rear with letters and papers in his hand.)

    Paginet
    Ah, the rabbits are back in their cages.

    Mrs. Livergin
    I hope your hunt is over.

    Paginet
    Ah, dear lady, I'm hot! By the way, my wife is waiting for you in her room so you can sign your letter of subscription to her charity.

    Mrs. Livergin
    Oh, it's true. I'm on my way.

    (Mrs. Livergin goes out to the left.)

    Paginet
    Ah! Now I'm all yours!

    Livergin
    Took long enough.

    Paginet (aside)
    Let's see my mail. (to Livergin) You'll excuse me. I am yours!

    Livergin (aside)
    That's the way! He's mine and he's reading his mail.

    Paginet (thumbing through the mail)
    Bah, just newspapers. (giving them to Livergin) If you'd like them, I never read them.

    Livergin
    Thanks. If I want them, I'll buy them!

    Paginet
    Come on! Take them. Don't be proud with me!

    Livergin
    Okay. So as to rid you of them. (pockets them)

    Paginet (aside)
    Bore, get out. (aloud) And now, I'm at your disposal.

    Livergin
    What, no more mail? No more rabbits to chase?

    Paginet
    Why, you're not mad at me about that, I hope?

    Livergin
    What do you think? If you put yourself out on my account, it would be strange indeed!

    Paginet
    That's true. And then, rabbits won't wait.

    Livergin
    Whereas friends, they'll wait. But, I've come to congratulate you on your decoration. It seems the thing is practically done.

    Paginet
    Yes, that's what they tell me, you know. I can't be bothered with it. If it comes, I'll look at it then.

    Livergin (aside)
    Not bothered about it. I'm the one who's going to get it.

    Paginet
    But, say—yourself, it seems you are entering into the competition?

    Livergin
    Me? What you mean is I've been put into it. I haven't taken a single step to get it.

    Paginet (aside)
    Not a step! Maybe so, but his wife!

    Livergin
    You know me. I am not captivated by the baubles of celebrity.

    Paginet
    That's obvious. When you get them, you have to take them! But not run after them.

    Livergin
    Oh, intrigue—

    Paginet
    What can I tell you? I find it heartbreaking.

    Livergin
    Heartbreaking!

    Paginet
    It is certain that if I am decorated, as for me, I have every honor—

    Livergin
    Obviously! For these days, they give the decorations to people who are really mediocre. There's no reason you shouldn't have one.

    Paginet
    But, you will have one, too.

    Livergin
    Yes, but as for me, you know, I have less chance—an obscure pharmacist.

    Paginet
    Obscure! Why you're in the front ranks.

    Livergin (dragging out the word)
    Yes-es!

    Paginet
    And then, you're the inventor of Livergin's Suppositories.

    Livergin
    But, what's that beside you—one of our most famous doctors!

    Paginet
    Oh, you know, reputation is a question of luck.

    Livergin
    I agree with you.

    Paginet
    Ah! There, but of merit as well. I'm the one who proved there are no microbes—I who invented magnetic manipulations.

    Livergin
    Yes, my God—those manipulations. In the old days, we used to call that—massage.

    Paginet
    Excuse me! There's a great difference. The massage is the massage.

    Livergin
    Yes.

    Paginet
    There's brute force—while magnetic manipulation—well, it's fluid.

    Livergin
    And where'd you get the “fluid” from?

    Paginet (tapping his head)
    Where did I get it? Well, from here.

    Livergin
    From there?

    Paginet
    Yes, you understand. It's—it's nervous concentration—and then—ah— and then, you worry me.

    Livergin
    Thanks. (aside) So that's his manipulation—a rip-off. (aloud) So, they're going to decorate you for that? That's very fine.

    Paginet
    Why yes, it is very fine! I don't see why I shouldn't have a little ribbon in my buttonhole—like others.

    Livergin
    What? You're going to wear it?

    Paginet
    Why not?

    Livergin
    I don't know. But it seems to me, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't wear it.

    Paginet
    What an idea! It seems to me that the cross—when one has honestly earned it—after all, I didn't run after it—I didn't have to intrigue to get it.

    Livergin
    Well—or me, either!

    Paginet
    I can say, with pride, that if I am decorated, I did nothing to get it.

    Livergin
    Me, either.

    Paginet
    Well, then? (they hear the bell ringing) Two rings! It's Plumarel returning from the Minister's. (calling) Baby, Simone, Dardillon, come.

    (They all come running, including Mrs. Livergin.)

    All
    What's wrong?

    Paginet
    It's Plumarel, returning with my nomination.

    Livergin (aside)
    And he's going to make me believe he's not angling for it! (aloud) So, it's Mr. Plumarel who's working on your decoration.

    Paginet
    What? What? On my decoration? He's concerned to know if I've gotten it—like everyone else. What did you mean?

    Livergin
    Me? Nothing.

    Paginet (seeing Plumarel enter from the rear)
    Ah, there you are. Come. (seeing Plumarel's long face) What's the matter?

    Plumarel
    What's the matter? Oh, you did a great thing?

    Paginet
    Huh? What? What's wrong?

    Plumarel
    What's wrong? It was a sure thing. Everything was arranged. You were all set and that's the moment you chose to preside at a banquet of reactionaries.

    All
    Huh?

    Paginet
    Me, preside, me? I presided? Where? When?

    Plumarel
    Yesterday at St. Faigeau.

    Paginet
    Why, you're mad! Me, preside? Why, not at all. Picardon called me over and invited me to have some coffee.

    Plumarel
    Well, what do you want! You cannot have a spot of coffee with Picardon when you're up for a decoration. You are going to get tarred with the same brush.

    Livergin (between his teeth)
    Ah, ah, my good fellow.

    Paginet
    Well, what? Now what?

    Plumarel
    Now what? I've just seen the chief of the cabinet in my uncle's absence. It seems he's furious. And, after what I've seen, I think your nomination is going to be deep-sixed.

    Paginet
    Deep-sixed!

    (Paginet falls onto the sofa. The ladies hover over him.)

    Livergin
    Caught!

    Paginet
    Ah, what a blow—not decorated! Not decorated—me!

    Livergin
    Well, I thought it was all the same to you if you weren't.

    Paginet
    It is all the same to me. Only, it's not all the same not to be decorated.

    Livergin (shaking his hand)
    My poor friend! This hurts me, too.

    Paginet (low to Simone)
    Oh, poor Mrs. Paginet.

    Simone
    Leave off—this is going to reveal your feeling.

    Paginet
    Ah, why no, it's impossible—perhaps there's still time. I am going to write to the Minister. Well, understand, Plumarel, my little Plumarel, you can tell him.

    Livergin (aside)
    Is he bowled over! Is he bowled over!

    Paginet
    If necessary, I will disavow Picardon. Ah, cursed Picardon. Go.

    Joseph (running in, a paper in hand)
    Sir! Sir!

    Paginet
    What's wrong?

    Joseph
    I just saw the concierge. In a paper he read it said you'd been nominated to the Legion of Honor.

    All
    Huh?

    Paginet
    Me? What are you saying?

    Livergin
    Knighted? You?

    Joseph
    Yes, sir. Wait, here's the paper.

    Livergin
    And me—and me? Am I there?

    Paginet
    Will you leave me alone? Where? Where?

    Joseph
    Right here. (reading) “Tomorrow appearing in the Register the following nominations—Knights of the Legion of Honor.”

    Paginet
    Ah, good—let's see.

    (Paginet and Livergin read the paper together.)

    Paginet
    Here! Paginet! Paginet! Paginet!

    Livergin
    Uh, Livergin! Livergin! Livergin!

    Paginet
    There, there it is!

    Livergin
    Me?

    Paginet
    No, not you! “Paginet, Etienne, Doctor.” That's me!

    All
    Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

    Livergin (aside)
    Look who they decorate now. And me, I'm cheated of my expectations.

    Paginet
    Ah, so. What were you saying, Plumarel?

    Plumarel
    Come on! It's impossible! It's a mistake. I'm sure it's not in the evening papers.

    Paginet
    Ah, my God, you think so? (to Livergin) Livergin, give me back my papers.

    Livergin (pulling them from his pocket)
    There they are! It wasn't worth the trouble of giving them to me.

    Paginet (handing out the papers)
    Here! Look! Look!

    All (each taking a paper and opening it fully)
    Let's see! Let's see!

    Livergin (watching them)
    They're completely concerned about him. (to Mrs. Livergin) Here, let's see if I'm in there.

    (Mrs. Livergin and Livergin take papers. There is a complete line of deployed newspapers across the stage.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Here! Paginet, Etienne, Doctor—there it is!

    Paginet
    Here, too. Paginet! There it is!

    Simone
    There it is!

    Earnest
    There it is!

    Joseph
    There it is!

    Plumarel
    There it is!

    Livergin and Mrs. Livergin
    It's not here!

    Paginet
    Yes, there, you see. Paginet, Etienne, Doctor.

    Livergin
    You've got luck. I congratulate you.

    Paginet
    You're not there?

    Livergin
    As you can clearly see.

    Paginet
    Anyway, I am. That's the main thing.

    Livergin
    What do you mean?

    Paginet (ravished)
    Ah, my friends! (a ringing is heard) (to Joseph) Joseph, heavens, someone's ringing. Go! (to Plumarel) Ah, my dear Plumarel—what recognition. But, you know I'm not an ingrate! Generous! Generous, aren't I, Simone?

    (Exit Joseph.)

    Simone
    Indeed yes, uncle.

    Earnest (low)
    What—you say yes? Ah, I am in very low water.

    Simone (low)
    Don't make a fuss!

    Paginet (taking the paper and reading it)
    How nice it is, all the same. “Paginet, Etienne, Doctor.” Still, it's funny, there's a whole bunch of names—well! Your own is the only one you see.

    Livergin
    He can't get enough of it.

    Paginet
    But, say, there's something for you, Livergin.

    Livergin
    For me?

    Mrs. Livergin
    For him?

    Paginet
    Yes.

    Paginet (reading)
    Tomorrow we will publish those nominations that have not yet been signed.

    Livergin
    Well! what do you see in that?

    Paginet
    Well! Perhaps, yours hasn't been signed yet.

    Livergin
    Why, that's right! Ah, my God, if you're right!

    Paginet (to Joseph who enters)
    Well, who's there?

    Joseph (with a bouquet of flowers)
    Sir, it's a deputation of ladies who bring a bouquet to the new Knight of the Legion of Honor.

    Paginet
    Is it possible? Ah, Joseph, tell them their new Knight couldn't possibly be more touched by their enthusiasm and that he thanks them for this display of feelings. Go. (Joseph exits) Ah, my friends, you've seen it. Have you understood? The proletarian women, who don't even know me, bring me their bouquet from admiration. Is that flattering or what?

    All
    Yes.

    Livergin
    He's really letting himself go.

    Paginet (to Joseph who enters)
    Well? You told them how grateful I was?

    Joseph
    They said they were grateful, too, but generally they receive twenty francs.

    Paginet
    Give them forty! But, none of this should make me forget gratitude. I am going where duty calls.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Where are you going?

    Paginet
    To the Ministry. I am going to thank this honest Minister.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But you don't know him!

    Paginet
    What difference does it make? He knows who I am. I don't want him to say, tonight as he goes to bed, “Paginet is an ingrate.”

    (A fanfare is heard from the wings.)

    All
    What's that?

    Joseph (running)
    It's the band from Fontainbleu.

    Paginet
    Why, let them come in!

    Joseph (announcing)
    Gentlemen of the Band.

    (The Band enters, playing a march at double time. They march around the stage and form up at the back.)

    Paginet (once the music has stopped)
    Dear compatriots, great news is like lightning, it spreads with the rapidity of the tide.

    Livergin (aside)
    I don't see any tide.

    Paginet
    Just as we were crossing through Paris, my band and me—whose chief I am—we learned that the Minister had just awarded you the Cross of the Legion of Honor—to you, a son of Fontainbleu. Let me tell you: It was well done.

    All
    Very well done! Very well done!

    Paginet
    When Napoleon instituted this great institution, he thought that it would be reserved for people who deserved it. Well—let me tell you, it's our opinion, that of my band and myself—of which I am the chief —that it couldn't be better placed than on your breast. I say it to whoever will listen! If there was only one Cross, it ought to be awarded to Doctor Paginet.

    All
    Bravo! Bravo!

    Paginet (very moved)
    Thanks, my friends, thanks. This is one of those spontaneous ovations which fill the heart with comfort—and I will never forget it. Here— here's five hundred francs to drink my health.

    The Whole Band
    Long live Doctor Paginet!

    Livergin (aside)
    Five hundred francs. And if you asked him for forty sous, he'd send you packing.

    Paginet
    And now, my friends, the Minister is waiting for me. Come! (to Mrs. Paginet) See you later, baby. Wait. Stay on the balcony to see us pass.

    Joseph (entering)
    A letter for madame.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Thanks, very much!

    Paginet (to the band)
    Let's go, my friends. En route!

    (Paginet places himself at the head of the band as they leave by the back. Livergin, Mrs. Livergin, Dardillon, and Simone go to the balcony. The band strikes up in the wings.)

    Livergin
    Is he grotesque enough?

    Mrs. Paginet (to Plumarel)
    Ah, how nice to see him happy like that. (opening the letter) Who can be writing to me? Why, it's from your uncle.

    Plumarel
    Ah, it's to inform you of the nomination.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why is he writing to me? (reading) “Madame, I would have been happy to decorate your husband.” Huh? “The unexplainable thoughtlessness of presiding over a banquet of reactionaries at Lake St. Faigeau makes that impossible for me to do at this time.” What?

    Plumarel
    What does he say?

    Mrs. Paginet (reading)
    “But, happily I've found an alternative. You, madame, have taken the initiative in an admirable endeavor. Your charitable work is well known and greatly respected—so we feel we express the sentiments of all in naming Mrs. Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor.” Knight— me! And not him! Ah!

    (Mrs. Paginet collapses on the sofa.)

    Plumarel
    Look, calm down.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my God. But, if he learns this suddenly he's going to have a stroke!

    Plumarel
    Well, you will tell him, you will prepare him.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But, he's going to the Minister. He'll learn everything. Quick, Plumarel! Run, grab him. Prevent him from seeing the Minister.

    Plumarel (going out at the back)
    I'm on my way.

    (Simone and the others appear on the balcony, waving their handkerchiefs.)

    Simone
    Look—there they go.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my God! The poor man! (running to the balcony and calling) Paginet! Paginet!

    Voices (in the wings)
    Long live Doctor Paginet!

    Mrs. Paginet (as the band plays on and the celebration increases)
    Ah, God, be merciful.

    CURTAIN


    Act II.

    Scene: same as Act I.

    AT RISE, Simone is playing the piano. Joseph enters and places some letters on Paginet's desk without saying anything. Then he begins to straighten up things.

    Joseph (to Simone)
    Miss, can I toss out these flowers? They are wilted.

    Simone (as she plays)
    Yes, toss them out.

    Joseph
    Fine, Miss. I've put the letters on the desk.

    Simone
    Fine. Where is my aunt?

    Joseph
    In her room. I don't know what's wrong with her. She seems nervous. She comes, she goes.

    Simone
    It's the joy of seeing my uncle decorated. And Mr. Dardillon?

    Joseph
    He's in the laboratory, Miss. He's working.

    Simone
    Right.

    (Joseph goes out with the flowers.)

    Simone
    Let's see. Isn't there an encore in this section? Ah, there it is. It's pretty. (singing)
         All is hushed. Veiled in languor
         Your eyes breathe in the obscure shadow
         And hear in nature
         Only the beatings of your heart.

    (Alternatively, Simone could sing, hum or play some bars from Silent Night; the effect would be the same.)

    (An explosion in the laboratory.)

    Simone (rising, terrified)
    Ah, my God! What's that?

    Earnest (appearing in the doorway of the laboratory)
    Oh—oh—oh!

    Simone
    You! What happened? You're not hurt?

    Earnest
    Yes, no. I dunno.

    (Dardillon falls into Simone's arms.)

    Simone
    Ah, my God! He's hurt. (puts him on the sofa) Earnest! Earnest! Come to yourself.

    Earnest
    Ah, my God! Am I alive! Am I still alive?

    Simone
    Yes! It's nothing. You'll live.

    Earnest
    Ah, water, water—

    Simone (looking around like a madwoman)
    Water—but, I don't have any.

    Earnest (finding the empty vase in which the flowers were standing)
    Ah, that's a help. It's good to drink.

    Simone
    Ah, my God. Why, that's the flower water.

    Earnest
    Ah, yuck!

    Simone
    But, what happened to you?

    Earnest
    It was an experiment! It was the clock, the pneumatic clock which exploded.

    Simone
    The clock?

    Earnest
    Oh, the wretched machine. When I think that I could have been killed. It was almost the end of me.

    Simone
    Happily nothing was broken.

    Earnest (aside)
    Nothing broken—you should see the laboratory. (aloud) Oh, but you know, I've had enough of it! I'm resigning as assistant. I abandon the role.

    Simone
    What! You won't hang on for me? Why, you have to accept the bad as well as the good.

    Earnest
    What's the difference? Am I not in low water? Now that Plumarel is accepted and you've said yes.

    Simone
    I said it only for strategic reasons.

    Earnest
    Nice thing, your strategy! Plumarel's a strategist, too. To arrive at the shore, he throws himself into the sea.

    Simone
    What sea?

    Earnest
    Your aunt! Eh! Get out with these flowers! Go on! And then, one fine morning, it's as if a breeze of sympathy blows for him. The current carries everything with it, and all he has to do is pluck the young girl. That's all there is to it, there's no denying it.

    Simone
    What's all this about plucking?

    Earnest
    No—plucking. These are his secrets. I admit his secrets to you.

    Simone
    Well, do as he does. Use the same methods.

    Earnest
    I've really thought of doing just that, but that would be dishonest.

    Plumarel (entering rapidly at the back)
    Here I am!

    Earnest (aside)
    Here! Him again!

    Plumarel
    Hello, Miss Simone. Hello, Dardillon. Mrs. Paginet isn't around?

    Simone
    She's in her room.

    Mrs. Paginet (coming in from the left)
    Ah, there you are!

    Plumarel
    Just as I was asking for you.

    Mrs. Paginet (to Simone and Dardillon)
    Leave us, we have to talk.

    Earnest
    Come, let's go. (low to Simone) You see, there's no use struggling.

    (Simone and Dardillon go out to the left.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Well, you saw the Minister?

    Plumarel
    Yes.

    Mrs. Paginet
    And my husband?

    Plumarel
    Paginet didn't see him. While he was marching at the head of his band, I took a carriage and got there before he did.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But, perhaps they received him after your departure?

    Plumarel
    No. On my recommendation, they won't receive him. Meanwhile, I explained the whole affair at St. Faigeau to my uncle. He understood, and it's all straightened out.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes?

    Plumarel
    The first Cross will be for your husband.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, then, there's nothing to do? We are where we were before. Paginet will have a hundred opportunities to learn the truth and he's capable of having a stroke.

    Plumarel
    Then, he mustn't know.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But, how? How?

    Plumarel
    Look. Don't you have to leave for the country soon?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes, in two days.

    Plumarel
    Well, once you get him there, he won't find out anything. Until then, let's break off all communication with the outside. Keep out the papers, intercept the letters.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes. We must warn the concierge.

    Plumarel (kissing her hand)
    I'll take care of it.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my friend, you are our saviour. (noises and voices at the back) What's that?

    Joseph (entering from the rear)
    Here, sir.

    (Simone and Dardillon enter from the left.)

    Simone
    My uncle is here.

    Mrs. Paginet (going to the back)
    Ah, my God—him!

    Plumarel (low to Dardillon as he passes by him while following Mrs.
    Paginet) Well, Dardillon, everything okay?

    Dardillon (desperately)
    Everything's okay.

    Plumarel
    Hey, finally, Mr. Paginet.

    (Paginet enters from the rear with an enormous ribbon in his buttonhole.)

    Paginet
    Whee! Ah, my friends, I'm worn out. Joseph, my velour vest.

    Joseph
    Right, sir!

    (Joseph exits.)

    Paginet
    Well! I'm back from the Ministry. They make you wait a while there.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You were received?

    Paginet
    Admirably. By the usher who told me the Minister hadn't arrived yet. Then, I gave my name, right. Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor. I sat down. I waited an hour. At the end of that time, I said to the usher: “See if the Minister has come.” He answered me: “The Minister, indeed, he's been gone a long while.” That's how service is performed in the administration.

    Simone
    What? You didn't see the Minister?

    Paginet
    No! But, I left him a word on my card. “My dear Minister. Desolate at failing to see you. Thanks very much for the trifle.” I put “the trifle” because the usher was there. He had no need to know.

    Plumarel
    Well done!

    Paginet
    Wasn't it? It's not dull. It's correct and not dull.

    Plumarel
    Everything in one small note.

    Paginet
    Here! Look, see it, your new promotion.

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    The poor man.

    Paginet (showing his decoration)
    Huh! That's good enough. It's stupid, gang, but in the street, I stopped in front of all the windows.

    All
    Ah!

    Paginet
    Yes! For everybody, I pretended to see if I didn't have some dark mark on my face. But this was what I was looking at.

    Plumarel (aside)
    And you think it wouldn't be criminal to disabuse him?

    Joseph (returning with the vest)
    Here's your vest, sir.

    Paginet
    Thanks. (takes off his coat and puts on the vest) Oh, wait. (takes the ribbon from the coat and puts it on his vest) There, see!

    (Joseph goes out with the coat. Paginet paces before the mirror, humming a happy tune.)

    Paginet
    Ah, it does me good to see myself like this! It makes me wonder how I've been able to get along until now. (going to Plumarel) And say, my good Plumarel, it's you who—

    Plumarel
    Oh!

    Paginet
    Oh, but, I am not an ingrate and I haven't forgotten the promise I made you.

    Plumarel
    The promise?

    Paginet
    You know, Simone, what we were speaking of this morning?

    Simone
    Yes, uncle!

    Paginet
    Are you still agreeable?

    Simone
    Heavens, yes!

    Paginet (to Plumarel)
    You hear? It's her heart talking! (to Mrs. Paginet) You hear this cry, from the soul, darling? The two kids love each other. Well, if you want to, we can make their happiness.

    Earnest and Mrs. Paginet
    Their happiness?

    Paginet
    Yes, you have only to consent as I do to granting the hand of your niece to the best of friends—to this brave Plumarel.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Do I consent? Why, with joy.

    Earnest (collapsing in an armchair)
    Ah!

    Mrs. Paginet (to Plumarel)
    My dear child.

    Plumarel
    Madame!

    Paginet
    My nephew! Come to my arms. (they hug) And now, kiss your fiancée.

    Plumarel (to Simone)
    Ah, Miss! I am so happy.

    Paginet
    Why, we are all happy! Simone, me, my wife, Dardillon! Right, Dardillon?

    Earnest (stammering)
    Why—y—yes—yes!

    Paginet
    There! You see his joy—and now (to Plumarel) Go fetch your engagement bouquet.

    Plumarel
    I'm off.

    Mrs. Paginet (to Plumarel)
    Au revoir, nephew.

    Earnest (low to Simone)
    Ah, Miss—it's shameful—when you promised me—

    Simone
    Why, leave it alone. Saying fiancée doesn't mean married.

    Earnest
    Ah!

    Paginet (coming forward with Mrs. Paginet)
    Ah, I'm satisfied with myself. You really feel light-hearted when you pay a debt of gratitude.

    Earnest (between his teeth)
    Oh, yes—for what that costs him!

    Joseph (entering at the back)
    Sir, here's a box of cards from the printer.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Cards?

    Paginet
    Ah, yes, I know. Those are cards I had made with “Knight of the Legion of Honor” on them.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my God. What for?

    Paginet
    Why, to send to all our acquaintances. Not everyone reads the papers.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Huh?

    Paginet
    Here, Dardillon, you are going to go over there and you'll send them to all the names in our address book.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Indeed, no. Look—you mustn't do that.

    Paginet
    Why, absolutely! It's always done. When someone is decorated you know quite well they send cards.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes—in person.

    Paginet
    Bah, those are nuances. Here, Simone, go with him. You will help him.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, indeed. I'm going, too. (aside) Ah, I'll answer that those cards don't leave.

    (Mrs. Paginet goes out to the right with Dardillon and Simone.)

    Paginet
    That's it. Go on. (running to the door) And write on them “With all his compliments.”

    (Joseph appears at the back just as Paginet seems on the verge of going out to the right.)

    Joseph
    Sir!

    Paginet
    What?

    Joseph
    A gentleman who insists on speaking to the new Knight of the Legion of Honor.

    Paginet
    Yes, well, have him in. I'll be with him right away. (as he goes out the door at the right) Be sure to say “With all his compliments.”

    Joseph (speaking at the back)
    You can come in, sir.

    (Rosanville enters from the rear. He is elegantly dressed and has a red ribbon in his buttonhole. He is very near-sighted and is bowing in every direction.)

    Rosanville
    Madame! Madame!

    Joseph
    Why, madame is not here, sir.

    Rosanville
    It seems that way to me, too. I don't seem to see her.

    (Rosanville bumps into a footstool and almost falls.)

    Joseph
    Oh, careful!

    Rosanville
    Thanks. Next time, warn me. I tell you, I am very near-sighted and I am not wearing glasses.

    Joseph
    Why?

    Rosanville
    Because I dedicate this evening to elegance. Our job has demands. We fashion reporters are for purity of style.

    Joseph
    Ah, you're a reporter, sir?

    Rosanville
    For “The Great Life” and I want to see the new Legionnaire that I've been ordered to interview.

    Joseph
    What's that?

    Rosanville
    In other words, to question her, to paint her portrait. You understand?

    Joseph
    Exactly. You paint, sir.

    Rosanville
    No. I write! Look, this is doubtless the study.

    Joseph
    Yes, sir.

    Rosanville
    Is it nice?

    Joseph
    The devil! You see it. (aside) Ah, it's true, he is myopic.

    Rosanville
    I am going to draw a sketch of it.

    (Rosanville pulls a notebook from his pocket.)

    Joseph (aside)
    Ah, he's a spy. (aloud) What are you doing that for, sir?

    Rosanville
    Why, to put in my paper. That sort of thing interests the public.

    Joseph
    Oh, to put in the paper. That's different. Go ahead, sir.

    Rosanville
    Let's see. (writing in his notebook) A large window—giving on the Louvois Square.

    Joseph
    Yes, sir. Observe the Spanish window fastenings. It doesn't work, but I'm told the repairman is to fix it.

    Rosanville
    Thanks, my friend. (writing) Antique tapestries. The style is—(to Joseph) Louis XIV or Louis XV?

    Joseph
    Oh, put in both.

    Rosanville
    Let's see. The art objects. Not many pictures here. Ah, what's that?

    Joseph
    Ah, wait, sir. It's a Holbein—no—a Holstein.

    Rosanville
    A Holstein.

    Joseph
    An original, I think—and I know the lady in the picture.

    Rosanville
    Great—original Holstein.

    Joseph
    Yes.

    Rosanville (aside)
    Maybe I can profit a little while I'm waiting for Mrs. Paginet by asking this servant a few questions about her. (aloud) Look, my friend, you can help me out a bit. You must be aware that you're in the service of a personality much in view. Well, could you give me a few details about her? What type of person is she?

    Joseph
    What type of person? Ah, sir, I have only praise. What you call good- natured—a bit manic. The whole world has its eccentricities, but you know, a good fellow.

    Rosanville
    Not very feminine then?

    Joseph
    I should say so! (Paginet's voice is heard) Wait, you're going to judge for yourself. I hear him.

    Rosanville (aside)
    Ah, it's Mrs. Paginet.

    (Joseph goes out by the back. Paginet enters from the left and notices Rosanville.)

    Paginet
    Ah, sir.

    Rosanville (astonished)
    Huh? What's this?

    Paginet
    It seems, sir, you wish to see me?

    Rosanville
    To see you? Yes, no. I asked to speak with the new Knight of the Legion of Honor.

    Paginet
    Well! That's me, sir.

    Rosanville
    You?

    Paginet
    Precisely. (showing his decoration) Here, take a better look.

    Rosanville
    It's true! (aside) What, this is Mrs. Paginet? (aloud) I beg your pardon, but I expected so little to see you in this—getup.

    Paginet
    Yes, I beg you to excuse me. I only dress like this at home.

    Rosanville
    Ah, sure, sure. It's more relaxed, I suppose. Only, you understand, I thought I'd find you—dressed.

    Paginet
    Oh, I never am—except when I have to be in public.

    Rosanville
    Oh, why, very interesting to note that. (to Paginet) Excuse me a moment. (writing) “Paginet is in the habit of dressing like a man.”

    Paginet
    Excuse me, sir, but to whom do I have the honor of—

    Rosanville
    Ah, that's fair. (presenting himself) Rosanville, reporter for “The Great Life” and desirous of interviewing you.

    Paginet (aside)
    An interviewer. (aloud) Ah, sir, why, sit down. No—in the armchair. You'll be more comfortable.

    Rosanville
    Thanks. Will you allow me to take a few notes. You know our readers are very greedy to have portraits of celebrities.

    Paginet (aside)
    Celebrities! (aloud) Why, that's very natural. Here, like this. Can you see me well?

    Rosanville
    Wait! Will you allow me?

    (Rosanville comes very close and stares the way myopic people do.)

    Paginet
    What's wrong?

    Rosanville
    I beg your pardon. I'm a bit myopic. (writing) Paginet is a tall person, with a face that is both male and energetic. The hair is gray and cut short. Only the yes and mouth betray Paginet's sex.

    Paginet (not moving)
    How is it going?

    Rosanville
    Oh, why, you can move about.

    Paginet
    Ah, good.

    Rosanville
    And you're married?

    Paginet
    Right.

    Rosanville
    No children?

    Paginet
    Alas, no.

    Rosanville
    Then, I can't put that you've known the joys of childbirth?

    Paginet
    That would be difficult for me.

    Rosanville
    Now, if you like, we'll speak a little of your work.

    Paginet
    With great pleasure.

    Rosanville
    You can say it's a great help to suffering humanity. What gave you the idea for the project?

    Paginet
    Ah, my dear sir. It's when I saw the credulous acceptance given to the myth known as the microbe.

    Rosanville
    Yie, yie! How do you say that?

    Paginet
    I said the credulous acceptance given to the myth known as the microbe.

    Rosanville
    Wait. Hold on. Yes. (writing) Credulous—(to Paginet) Credulous with a K or a C?

    Paginet
    C, of course.

    Rosanville
    Of course. Just as I thought. I'm not the best speller. It doesn't matter. We've got an editor at the paper who is.

    Paginet (aside)
    Well, he doesn't have a sinecure, clearly.

    Rosanville (writing)
    Called a microbe.

    Paginet
    So, you see, I wanted to prove that the microbe does not exist. Hence, my research.

    Rosanville
    Yes. I don't get the connection.

    Paginet
    What do you mean, you don't get the connection? I took children with measles.

    Rosanville
    Ah, you only take children with measles.

    Paginet
    Why, no! I said measles, but it could be scarlet fever—practically anything.

    Rosanville
    Yes, so long as they have something.

    Paginet
    Ah, of course.

    Rosanville
    In that case, it's more like a hospital.

    Paginet
    What?

    Rosanville
    Your work.

    Paginet
    My work? You don't seem to grasp things easily.

    Rosanville
    Yes! Yes!

    Paginet
    I told you: I take children with measles.

    Rosanville
    Yes, yes. Allow me to write. (writing) They only take children with measles.

    Paginet
    I also take children who are healthy.

    Rosanville
    Ah, indeed. Why you should say so!

    Paginet
    Why, damn. It's easy to grasp. Once I have them, I inoculate them with a measles microbe.

    Rosanville
    Ah, why do that?

    Paginet
    As an experiment.

    Rosanville
    Oh, why that's cruel.

    Paginet
    No, since it's in the general interest. Well, most of the time, the microbe does nothing.

    Rosanville
    Yes, yes, I see. In short, your work is a subject of experiment.

    Paginet
    It would be better to say it's the outcome of experiment.

    Rosanville
    Yes, yes. (aside) I don't understand a bit of what she's telling me. This is an article that won't be easy to write.

    Paginet
    Well, dear sir, that's what I wanted to test. That's my work.

    Rosanville
    Yes, yes, and it works?

    Paginet
    Does it work? We are up to three thousand.

    Rosanville (aside)
    Oh, oh. (writing) The work actually involves three thousand natural children. (to Paginet) Well, I thank you for all these little details. I've got enough to write my article. All that remains for me to do is to congratulate you one more time for the distinction whose object you've become.

    Paginet (accompanying him to the door)
    Goodbye, sir.

    Mrs. Paginet (entering from the left)
    Oh, not alone.

    Rosanville
    You have company.

    Paginet
    Oh, it's nothing. (to Mrs. Paginet) Right away, honey.

    Rosanville (aside)
    Ah, it's her honey.

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    Who is that gentleman?

    Paginet
    I'm going to accompany you.

    Rosanville
    Don't trouble yourself. (aside) Now, that's a charming woman. (to Paginet) Goodbye, madame.

    Paginet (in a low voice to his wife)
    Baby, he said good-bye to you.

    Mrs. Paginet
    To me? Oh, excuse me. Goodbye, sir.

    (Rosanville leaves by the rear.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Who is that man?

    Paginet
    An interviewer, darling. He just interviewed me.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Huh? You?

    Paginet
    Yes. He wanted a little biography of me for the paper.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, good. (aside) I was afraid of this.

    Joseph (coming in from the rear)
    A message for you, sir.

    Mrs. Paginet
    A message. Oh, my God.

    Paginet
    Ah, now the congratulations begin. (to Joseph) Have any other letters come for me?

    Joseph
    They're on the table.

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    Oh, clumsy fool!

    Paginet
    Ah, thanks. (goes to desk) First, let's see about this message.

    Mrs. Paginet (excitedly)
    Wait! Don't tire your eyes. I'll read it to you.

    Paginet
    Why, not at all. (reading) Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor. (aloud) Ah, it's from Duboucherd. (reading) “Congratulations. Well deserved.” (aside) Yes, it's true. (reading) Congratulations to your husband. (aloud) What's this?

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    Aie! (aloud) Probably a typo. You know secretaries these days.

    Paginet
    It's true. What's this one? (reading) Dear madame, In the name of the Paris Women's Union I congratulate you on the great honor. (aloud) What's this mean?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, I don't know, my friend.

    Paginet
    Ah, this is too much. The President of the Republic: Madame is nominated—(uttering a cry of disbelief) You are—

    (Paginet collapses onto the couch.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Courage, my dear.

    Paginet (whose face is red)
    Ah, no, no. It's too much—too much.

    Mrs. Paginet
    What?

    Paginet
    Decorated! You are decorated.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Huh? Me—yes.

    Paginet
    Don't you see? It's too much joy at once. Me in the morning. You in the evening. Husband and wife, decorated in the same paper. It's too much.

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    What? He thinks—

    Paginet (kissing her)
    Ah, baby, how happy I am. (calling) Simone! Dardillon!

    (Simone and Dardillon enter.)

    Simone and Earnest
    What's wrong?

    Paginet
    Ah, Simone. Kiss your aunt. She's decorated.

    Simone
    Auntie, too?

    Paginet
    Yes, both of us. Double hit.

    Simone (hugging Mrs. Paginet)
    Oh, auntie!

    Earnest
    Madame!

    Paginet
    Oh, baby. It seems to me you're bigger than you were before. It puts you on the same level with me. You are still very equal. We can march on together, proud and worthy of each other.

    Mrs. Paginet (weeping in his arms)
    Ah, my friend, my friend.

    Paginet (very moved, drying his eyes)
    Weep, baby. Tears of joy. It does you good.

    Simone (moved to Dardillon)
    My uncle is eloquent.

    Earnest
    A Demosthenes!

    Paginet
    Come on. Look, let's be a man. (to Dardillon) Dardillon, are you preparing those cards?

    Earnest
    Yes, sir.

    Paginet
    Well, beneath my name, put Paginet, Knight of the Legion on Honor. And madame, also.

    Earnest
    Right, sir.

    (Dardillon goes out.)

    Paginet
    As for you, baby, since all these letters of congratulations are for you, here. Reply to them right away. It's good not to delay thanks.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes, I'm going. Ah, my God.

    (Mrs. Paginet goes out left.)

    Paginet
    Ah! It's good to have a Minister who knows how to reward merit.

    Simone
    Oh, you mustn't be ungrateful, Uncle. Mr. Plumarel did a lot.

    Paginet
    Plumarel! Evidently, he did a lot. I'm not forgetting him.

    Simone
    Heavens! If he hadn't spoken to his uncle, I don't know if you would have been decorated.

    Paginet
    Ah! You don't know! You don't know! That's saying a lot. If I wasn't this time, why then, I would be next time.

    Simone
    You can be sure of it, uncle, when you've got in your pocket the Minister's nephew—as devoted as he's been.

    Paginet
    That's true. He has been devoted, very devoted. I can't say too much about him.

    Simone
    Isn't that so? He didn't spare his feet or his overtures.

    Paginet
    Oh, come on, no. Now, between you and me, he didn't have much to do. A word from time to time to his uncle. In the end, you know, these are services performed all the time.

    Simone
    Oh, oh, uncle!

    Paginet
    That's not to diminish them, because, God knows, these things are not measured by the pound. It's the intention, above all, and if he hadn't succeeded I wouldn't be angry with him now, either.

    Simone
    Right, uncle.

    Paginet
    And besides, I think I'm showing him my thanks by giving you to him.

    Simone
    Oh, that's very proper. And all honest men will approve of what you are doing.

    Paginet
    You think so?

    Simone
    Do I think so! Why, everyone will say (declaiming) There goes Plumarel, he married the niece of Doctor Paginet.

    Paginet
    Yes.

    Simone (still declaiming)
    And you know why the doctor let his nice marry him?

    Paginet
    Why?

    Simone (declaiming)
    Because he wants to keep in with the man who got him decorated.

    Paginet
    Huh.

    Simone
    That's what everyone will say.

    Paginet
    What do you mean—They'll say?

    Simone
    Right.

    Paginet
    Ah, yes, excuse me. That changes matters. I don't want people to say that.

    Simone
    Why?

    Paginet
    Hell! That's like saying it's all Plumarel's doing. And you understand how boring it is for me to seem to be Plumarel's creature.

    Simone
    Creature! Oh!

    Paginet
    Indeed! That's vexatious to me.

    Simone
    In what way?

    Paginet
    Why, in every way. I seem to be—ah, no. (changing tone) Just between us, do you really want to marry that man?

    Simone
    Oh, uncle.

    Paginet
    To marry him? Marry him immediately, you understand? I have no intention of announcing this marriage—at least until much latter, that wouldn't be proper. But still, he hasn't yet done anything for me. I cannot say otherwise.

    Simone
    Ah, you agree.

    Paginet
    Truly, perhaps, you could wait. We could put it off for a while.

    Simone
    Yes, for several weeks—a month, later for example.

    Paginet
    Yes, or next year—or the year after that.

    Simone
    Why, it's true.

    Paginet
    First of all—what do you want me to tell you? I find this more dignified on my part. Here's a lad who rendered me a big enough service, and no sooner has he rendered it than I immediately acquitted myself towards him. That is to say, almost ungratefully. I seem unable to bear the weight of my gratitude.

    Simone
    Why, yes, and as for me, stunned by all that was going on, without reflection, compromise you by marrying him, and cause you to be taxed with ingratitude.

    Paginet
    Oh, why, I wouldn't want you to do that!

    Simone
    Oh, I no longer want to hear this marriage spoken of for a long while.

    Paginet
    Oh, how sweet you are. Here, thanks. (they hug)

    Joseph (entering from the back)
    Mr. Plumarel.

    Simone
    Oh, him. I'm going to leave you.

    Paginet
    Yes, that's the thing to do. I'll take care of everything.

    Simone (going to the left)
    Let's go. We'll put him on a Greek Calendar.

    Plumarel (bouquet in hand)
    Ah, here I am, you see. I brought my bouquet. Where's my fiancée?

    Paginet
    Your fiancée? Well! You know, my friend, I've been thinking things over a lot. Decidedly, I think Simone is really young.

    Plumarel
    Really young?

    Paginet
    Yes. We cannot let you marry right away.

    Plumarel
    But, why?

    Paginet
    I told you. Because I think she's too young.

    Plumarel
    But, you didn't find her too young just now.

    Paginet
    I didn't—I didn't—because I hadn't noticed.

    Plumarel
    Why, then, when?

    Paginet
    Much later. When she grows up. Anyway, how old are you?

    Plumarel
    Why, sir, I'm twenty-eight.

    Paginet
    Well—you can wait till you're thirty and she's twenty. There should always be ten years difference in ages between spouses.

    Plumarel
    Well, sir, from eighteen to twenty-eight—

    Paginet (shocked)
    Huh? Ah, yes. Why, that's not the same thing at all. They aren't the same ten years.

    Plumarel
    That's fine, sir. I see that it's a trick to get out of it.

    Paginet
    Why, not at all.

    Plumarel
    I will confess to you that I didn't expect it. I thought that, after all my efforts to get you decorated—

    Paginet (showing his hand)
    Ah, there it is. I was expecting it. Go ahead, say it. It was you, wasn't it? It was you who got me decorated—you alone!

    Plumarel
    Indeed, sir.

    Paginet
    That word was weighing on your tongue a long while, and it escaped—it escaped!

    Plumarel
    Indeed, I assure you—

    Paginet
    Yes, yes, it's understood. It's you who've done it all. It was you! I worked all my life. I deserved all my titles, but it's you. For ten years, the Ministers were considering me.

    Plumarel
    You are taking my words in the wrong sense.

    Paginet
    Come off it! Anyway, it suffices to look at you to see your little airs of patronage.

    Plumarel
    Me?

    Paginet
    Yes. You walk around saying—Do you know why Paginet gave me his niece? It's because I got him decorated.

    Plumarel
    Me? I said that?

    Paginet
    You say it with your looks, that suffices. Well, no, sir. Mr. Paginet will not give you his niece because you got him decorated. He won't give her to you.

    Plumarel
    Ah!

    Paginet (with conviction)
    Ah, I didn't know I was dealing with an ingrate.

    Mrs. Paginet (coming in from the left)
    What's the matter?

    Plumarel
    Your husband now refuses me his niece.

    Mrs. Paginet
    What? That's not possible. After all he has done for you!

    Paginet (exploding)
    Ah! There it is. You're meddling in it as well. (to Plumarel) Why, what have you done for me? What have you done?

    Plumarel
    Why, nothing, sir.

    Paginet
    Well, then, if you've done nothing, I don't owe you anything.

    Plumarel (to Mrs. Paginet)
    Then, madame, all I can do is retire.

    Mrs. Paginet (low)
    Return in half an hour when he's calmed down. I will speak to him.

    Plumarel
    Sir.

    Paginet
    Yes, goodbye. Hold on, take your bouquet with you.

    (Plumarel goes out by the rear, taking his bouquet with him.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Look, calm down. What's the matter with you?

    Paginet
    Ah, he's the one who exasperates me, your Plumarel. He exasperates me. He puts on airs with me.

    Joseph (entering from the back)
    Sir! It's Mr. and Mrs. Livergin.

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    Livergin! My God. He's going to put his foot in it. (aloud) We're not here.

    Paginet
    What do you mean we're not here? (to Joseph) Show them in!

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    My God!

    Livergin (coming in from the rear with his wife)
    Ah, dear lady, we learned the good news.

    Mrs. Livergin
    We congratulate you.

    Mrs. Paginet (embarrassed)
    Thank you. You are very good.

    Livergin (to Paginet)
    But you, my poor friend! What a cruel deception.

    Mrs. Paginet (low)
    Yes! Hush!

    Paginet
    A deception?

    Livergin
    Heavens! You're still wearing it.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Will you please shut up?

    Paginet
    What! I'm still wearing it? Why not? What's the matter?

    Livergin
    Huh? No, nothing! I don't know. I read in this paper—

    Paginet (taking the paper)
    In this paper?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my God. Don't read it.

    Paginet
    Leave me alone. Where is it?

    Livergin
    No, no. I beg you, don't read it! (changing tone) Page 1, column 4.

    Mrs. Paginet (aside)
    Ah, this time, everything really is ruined. (to Paginet) Paginet!

    Paginet
    Ah, let me be. (reading) We announced in error this morning the nomination of Doctor Paginet to the grade of Knight of the Legion of Honor. (aside) Huh? (reading) It was not he who was nominated, it was—(falling into a sofa) Ah!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Paginet! Paginet!

    Mrs. Livergin
    Ah, my God. He's ill.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, you've done a fine thing. Here! Get me the salts. There. Give me the salts on the table.

    Mrs. Livergin (finding the flask and giving it to Mrs. Paginet)
    Here they are.

    Paginet (coming to)
    Thanks. Thanks, my friends.

    Mrs. Paginet
    My poor Loulou. Courage.

    Paginet
    Courage! (placing his hand on his heart, he encounters the decoration) Ah, it's true. I don't have the right to wear it.

    (Paginet pull off the decoration and tosses it on the table.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Loulou, look—

    Mrs. Livergin
    The poor man.

    Paginet
    Ah, anyway, I did everything I ought to have done to get it.

    Livergin
    Yes. You did everything.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Comfort yourself, Loulou. Your turn will come, you know.

    Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
    Oh, yes.

    Paginet
    Oh, who knows?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, yes. First of all, Mr. Plumarel is here.

    Paginet
    Why, that's true.

    Livergin (aside)
    Get out.

    Joseph (entering from the rear)
    Sir, it's Mr. Plumarel.

    Paginet
    Him! Oh, come in, my dear friend.

    Plumarel
    Huh?

    Paginet
    Ah, it gives me pleasure to see you. You know you are part of the family. You know what I promised you. I keep my word.

    Plumarel (aside)
    Yes, a waffling word.

    Paginet
    Ah, this good Plumarel. (to the others) I've always really loved this kid here.

    Plumarel (aside)
    What does all this mean?

    Paginet
    Eh, well, my poor friend, you know the news. I am not decorated.

    Plumarel (aside)
    Oh, I get it! (aloud) Alas, yes, I learned it.

    Joseph
    What? Mr. Paginet is not decorated?

    Paginet
    Alas, no, my dear Joseph.

    Joseph
    Ah, sir. What a misfortune!

    Paginet
    Bah! My wife is—and that gives me even greater pleasure.

    Mrs. Paginet
    True! And here I was afraid it would give you pain.

    Paginet
    Pain! Do you think I'm jealous, by chance? Why, it's my consolation to see you decorated. It's no little thing for a husband to be proud of his wife.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, how good you are!

    Plumarel
    And then, besides, it's only half done and I'm going to move heaven and earth—

    Paginet
    Ah, dear friend, I wouldn't dare to ask you.

    Livergin (to his wife)
    This guy is decorator to the family.

    Paginet
    But, what do I see? Where is your bouquet?

    Plumarel
    Why, sir, I didn't know if I should bring it back.

    Paginet
    Well, what kind of fiancé shows up without his bouquet?

    Plumarel
    Then, I'm still engaged?

    Paginet
    Engaged? What a question.

    Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
    Huh!

    Paginet
    You are going to see if you are engaged. (calling) Simone.

    Simone (entering, followed by Dardillon)
    Come on. Ask your question.

    Earnest
    Yes. (to Paginet) Sir, I have the honor of asking you for—

    Paginet
    Yes, but later, my friend! (to Livergin) My friend, I have the pleasure of announcing to you the engagement of my niece Simone with Mr. Plumarel.

    Simone
    Huh!

    Earnest
    Again!

    (Dardillon collapses in an armchair. Everyone surrounds Plumarel and Simone to congratulate them.)

    CURTAIN


    Act III.

    A dining room with a long bay window in Paginet's house. On the right doors giving on Paginet's room. Another door on the left giving on Paginet's office.

    AT RISE, the stage is empty. Then Paginet enters furtively and, after assuring himself that no one is watching, pulls a little box from his pocket. He opens the box. It contains a Cross of the Legion of Honor with diamonds. He holds the Cross up to his buttonhole, then, with a sigh, replaces it and puts the box under a napkin on the table where his wife will sit. Then he leaves cautiously, just as he came.

    Hardly has he gone when Simone enters furtively and, after assuring herself there is no one about, gives a sign to Dardillon who enters with a bouquet hidden behind his back. They place the bouquet in a carafe at Mrs. Paginet's place. Then they leave cautiously.

    Joseph now enters with a huge bouquet from the servants in honor of
    Mrs. Paginet. He places it properly, looks everything over, then goes to the door at the right.

    Joseph
    Madame is served.

    (Paginet, Simone, Dardillon and Mrs. Paginet enter from the right.)

    Paginet
    We're going to go to dinner.

    Simone
    Come on, Mr. Dardillon.

    Paginet (to his wife)
    In your seat, Madame Legionnaire.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Don't make fun of me. (sitting) Oh, this beautiful bouquet. How sweet! (Dardillon preens with satisfaction) I am sure it's from Mr. Plumarel.

    Earnest
    Naturally!

    Simone
    No, auntie. It's from Mr. Dardillon, who thought—

    Mrs. Paginet
    You! Oh, that was so nice.

    Earnest
    Ah, madame.

    Paginet
    Come on. Everybody sit down.

    Mrs. Paginet (as she takes her napkin)
    What's this? A cross with diamonds!

    Paginet
    Does it please you?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, what madness! Why did you buy it?

    Paginet
    For you to wear with your dress.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my darling. I'd prefer to see it on your breast.

    Paginet
    Never mind that! (to Joseph) Well, Joseph, you may begin.

    Joseph
    Yes, sir. (aside) Doesn't she see my bouquet?

    (Joseph affectedly arranges the vases in front of Mrs. Paginet. No one pays the least attention to his manoeuvres. Finally he taps the carafe with his fingernail to make it ring.)

    Paginet
    Pay attention, Joseph.

    Joseph
    Yes, sir. (aside) They have their eyes in their pockets.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Well, and Mr. Plumarel?

    Paginet
    Heavens! You're right.

    Earnest (aside)
    It's been a long while since they've spoken of that dodo.

    Paginet
    Ah, why he must have lunch with us. We can't sit at table without his being here—Simone's fiancé.

    Earnest (aside)
    Simone's fiancé.

    (A ringing is heard.)

    Paginet
    Someone's ringing. That must be him.

    Simone
    Yes.

    Plumarel (coming in from the rear with a huge box of flowers)
    Here I am.

    All
    Ah, finally.

    Plumarel (to Paginet)
    I'm late. I spent the morning occupied with you. Everything's going well.

    Paginet
    Ah, you are an angel. Why, hug your fiancée.

    Plumarel
    You'll allow me, Miss. (hugging Simone)

    Earnest (aside)
    That's disgusting.

    Paginet (to Dardillon)
    They're charming, aren't they?

    Earnest
    Just what I was saying.

    Paginet (pointing to Plumarel's flowers)
    What's that you've got there, my good Plumarel?

    Plumarel
    My bouquet for the new Legionnaire.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, how sweet he is.

    Earnest (aside)
    It's bigger than mine.

    Plumarel
    Hello, Dardillon.

    Earnest
    Hello. (aside) It is bigger, but they're imitation.

    Paginet
    Now, to lunch.

    (Dardillon starts to sit near Simone.)

    Paginet
    Ah, no, not there. That's not your place. The fiancés must be side by side.

    Earnest (aside)
    Everything for him! Everything!

    (As Paginet sits down the telephone rings.)

    Paginet
    Fine! Telephone. Wait, Dardillon can get it.

    Earnest
    Me!

    Paginet
    Yes, go!

    Earnest (going out, aside)
    Always all the drudgery.

    Paginet
    Come on. Plumarel, sit down there, next to your fiancée.

    (Joseph enters with a platter.)

    Paginet
    Ah, there are the boiled eggs.

    Mrs. Paginet
    What! Aren't we going to wait for Mr. Dardillon?

    Paginet
    No indeed, no indeed. He doesn't have to be here.

    (Everyone serves themselves.)

    Joseph (aside)
    Oh, for goodness sake! They still haven't seen our gift.

    (Joseph arranges the carafes and pushes the carafe before Mrs. Paginet. No one pays any attention. Again he tinkles the glass with his fingernail.)

    Paginet
    Again! I told you to pay attention. And say, what's in this basket? What's it doing in the middle of the table?

    Joseph
    Sir, it's—

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh, why, I hadn't noticed. From you, Joseph?

    Joseph
    From me, the cook, and the maid.

    Paginet
    Oh, pardon, my poor Joseph. I wasn't looking.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh, it's very sweet. (reading) To Mrs. Paginet, Knight in the Legion of Honor. The Servants. (aloud) Ah, why this is lovely.

    Paginet (looking it over)
    Let's see. Ah, very pretty. It's a work of art.

    (Paginet shows it to Plumarel and Simone.)

    Simone (to Plumarel)
    Charming, isn't it?

    Plumarel
    Very fine taste! Very fine taste!

    Joseph (preening)
    Oh, sir, it's because we are so happy in the pantry.

    Mrs. Paginet
    I thank you very much.

    Joseph
    You could put it in the salon.

    Paginet
    No, in the dressing room. That's the best place.

    Joseph.
    Why, it will show better in the salon.

    Earnest (returning, to the audience)
    Ah, no. That's the bill!

    Paginet
    What's that, Dardillon?

    Earnest
    For Mr. Plumarel.

    Plumarel
    Me?

    Earnest
    Yes, from a florist, for the engagement bouquets. (aside) I insisted that the florist send them.

    Plumarel
    I'll take care of it after dinner. I beg your pardon.

    Paginet
    Think nothing of it. Another egg, Plumarel?

    Plumarel
    Willingly!

    Paginet
    Fortunately, there's one left.

    Simone
    And Mr. Dardillon?

    Paginet
    Ah, that's true! Then, you'll have to draw lots.

    Plumarel
    No, not at all! I've already had one. That one is for Dardillon.

    Paginet
    Well, he cedes it to you.

    (Joseph enters with a plate of cutlets.

    Paginet
    What's that?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Cutlets.

    Paginet
    Ah, sure. Joseph, you've given me the red wine, give me some white.

    Joseph
    Here, sir. Oh!

    All
    What?

    Joseph
    Who stuck this bouquet in the Sauterne?

    Paginet
    In the Sauterne?

    Earnest
    It was Sauterne? I thought it was water.

    Paginet
    That's nice. A bottle lost. Is there any more white wine here?

    Joseph
    No, sir. Only in the cellar.

    Paginet
    A nice how do you do.

    Earnest
    Sir, I ask your pardon. I was so happy about Mrs. Paginet's decoration that I didn't pay attention.

    Paginet
    I don't say you weren't happy, but still—you can look where you stick your flowers. Still, this is amusing. I'm going to be forced to drink red wine—and my doctor forbids it. Come, pass the cutlets.

    Mrs. Paginet (serving herself from the plate offered by Joseph)
    Ah! Joseph! Your cutlets are black!

    Paginet
    Let's see. (they show them to him) Why, they're not edible. You will take my compliments to the cook if this is how she serves us.

    Joseph
    Oh, it's not her fault.

    Paginet
    What do you mean, it's not her fault?

    Joseph
    Sir, she was so overjoyed about Mrs. Paginet's decoration—

    Paginet
    Well, what of it! She was so overjoyed! That's no reason to burn food. Good heavens, your happiness is wretched.

    (Joseph leaves.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, indeed, for one time, you can excuse her.

    Plumarel
    And then, they're not completely burned. Here, see inside.

    Paginet
    You'll be lucky if you can eat that. (to Mrs. Paginet) What's the next course?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Potatoes.

    (Joseph enters with a cake on a platter.)

    Paginet (to Joseph)
    Ah, I suppose these are potatoes?

    Joseph
    Sir, here's a cake that the baker sends as a gift to madame.

    All
    Ah!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, what a beautiful cake.

    Simone
    There's something written on it.

    Earnest
    It's true. Written in sugar.

    Mrs. Paginet (reading)
    Long live Mrs. Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor. (aloud) Ah, now, that's a mark of respect.

    Plumarel
    I am sure it's the first time you've seen your name written in sugar.

    Mrs. Paginet
    I confess that is so.

    Joseph
    The baker told me to say he was really happy.

    Paginet (between his teeth)
    That refrain bodes no good!

    Joseph
    He's especially happy, because if madame hadn't been nominated the cake would have been unsaleable. He made it first for Mr. Paginet. So he only had to change the Mr. to Mrs.

    Paginet
    Ah, indeed. Learning that makes me feel good.

    Mrs. Paginet
    I think we ought to give him ten francs.

    Paginet
    Ten francs! These cakes are no good. They look nice but they're not edible. Give him forty sous. (to Joseph) Serve the potatoes.

    (Joseph serves Mrs. Paginet. Paginet watches.)

    Paginet
    Why are these chestnuts like this?

    Joseph
    The cook told met to tell you that they got a bit burned.

    Paginet
    Again! This is insupportable.

    Joseph
    It's not her fault, sir. She was so overjoyed.

    Paginet
    Ah, why, you know, you're getting on my nerves. Well, yes, you're overjoyed—agreed—we are all overjoyed—but, that's no reason to make a mess of things.

    (Joseph leaves.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Look, Loulou, calm down.

    Paginet
    What I say is true! Overjoyed!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Well, aren't you overjoyed?

    Paginet
    What, I'm not happy? But, I cope with it; I don't make others suffer. I haven't eaten because of all this. I haven't eaten a thing.

    Joseph (entering and announcing)
    Mr. Livergin.

    Livergin (entering)
    Hello. Everything fine?

    All
    Ah, Mr. Livergin.

    Paginet
    Are you coming to take coffee with us?

    Livergin
    Gladly.

    Paginet
    Joseph, bring the coffee.

    Joseph (leaving)
    Right, sir.

    Paginet
    And what brought you here?

    Livergin
    My dear fellow, I wanted to shake our hand and see how you are bearing up.

    Paginet
    Bearing up? Why not! You see we're celebrating. Look at these flowers, this cake—and this cross—that's my gift.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You see how they spoil me.

    Paginet
    Bearing up! Why, we're celebrating.

    Livergin
    All my congratulations. I'm delighted to see you in this mood.

    Paginet
    Indeed!

    Mrs. Paginet (to Livergin)
    Well, and you, Mr. Livergin? Where are you in your quest for a decoration?

    Livergin
    Oh, my God. Taking Paginet's advice, I wrote one of my friends who works at the Ministry to send me a telegram in the event I appear on the lists, but, truthfully, I have no great hope.

    Joseph (entering with a huge amount of mail)
    Here's the mail.

    Paginet
    Ah!

    Joseph (giving the mail to Mrs. Paginet)
    For madame! (gives a single letter to the doctor) For you, sir.

    (Exit Joseph.)

    Livergin
    Well, it's not heavy.

    Paginet
    What do you want, my friend? It's logical. She's decorated and I am not. She gets all the letters, all the praise. Ah, I'm not jealous.

    Mrs. Paginet
    These are unimportant. I'll look at them later.

    Joseph (entering with a coffee pot on a platter)
    Coffee is served.

    (Exit Joseph.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Come, help me, Simone.

    Simone (to Plumarel)
    Some coffee, Mr. Plumarel?

    Plumarel
    I never take any! Anyway, if you will excuse me, I have to leave. I have errands to run. Got to go to the florist.

    Paginet
    Go, my friend. Don't bother about us. (to Simone) Accompany your fiancé, Simone, it's your right.

    Earnest (furious, rising)
    Ah, that's too much!

    Paginet (to Dardillon)
    Where are you headed?

    Earnest
    I'm accompanying him, too.

    Paginet
    If you like.

    (Exit Simone, Plumarel and Dardillon.)

    Mrs. Paginet (serving Livergin)
    Here's your coffee, Mr. Livergin.

    Livergin
    Thanks, madame.

    Joseph (entering)
    Madame, some ladies from the Committee on Orphans have come to congratulate you.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, how kind of them. (to Paginet) You'll excuse me, Loulou.

    Paginet
    What do you think? Rejoice in your triumph, my darling!

    (Mr. and Mrs. Paginet hug.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, Loulou.

    Paginet
    Romeo and Juliet! Livergin—

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh, no. Philemon and Baucis! I'm going to meet these ladies.

    (Mrs. Paginet goes into the salon.)

    Paginet
    That's it! Ah, Livergin, now there's a companion for life.

    Livergin
    Who are you telling, old boy? All the same, truly, I admire you.

    Paginet
    Why?

    Livergin
    I don't know. Your good humor, your jovial air. Whereas I expected to find you in a sulky mood and I'd have to cheer you up.

    Paginet
    Me? Why, I'm very happy.

    Livergin
    Well, you know. That's very fine. It does you honor. So many in your place would be jealous because, in short, after such a disappointment.

    Paginet
    Ah, the fact is—

    Livergin
    Ah, my poor friend. The blows are there.

    Paginet
    Ah! You believe that?

    Livergin
    Oh, I am disgusted. I understand quite well what it is not to be decorated—but still, you must live on.

    Paginet
    You are very good.

    Livergin
    After all, you have to look at things on their good side. If you weren't decorated, your wife is. Well! Do you want me to tell you the truth. I don't know, but in the end, if it's not better that way.

    Paginet
    In what way?

    Livergin
    Hell! Just think what renown it will give to your name. To be the husband of a superior woman. That is going to make a stir for you.

    Paginet
    I don't say no—but look, between you and me, I love my wife very much—but she isn't as superior as all that.

    Livergin
    Drop that! One is never a prophet in one's own country. And then, in short, she is decorated! It's true that puts her above you—but, after all, she will tow you along with her.

    Paginet
    Oh, I don't say that! It's a way of looking at it. Why then, on that score, suppose you, if your wife was decorated—

    Livergin
    Oh, I am not speaking of me. That's not the same thing.

    Paginet
    Really?

    Livergin
    No. As for me, I confess, I wouldn't care to see my wife decorated and not me because, after all, what's the husband of a Knight of the Legion of Honor? Nothing! A negligible, to put it quaintly, you're under the bushel.

    Paginet
    Yes. Then, according to you, if I understand you correctly, I would be under the bushel?

    Livergin
    Eh! What do you want, old boy?

    Paginet
    Charming! And what is not good enough for you is good enough for me, I suppose?

    Livergin
    Ah, there, my God. You twist things around. Indeed no, look, we are confronting a situation that exists. Well, I am trying to make you see the bright side.

    Paginet
    Ah, you are very charitable.

    Livergin
    I tell you, you are the husband of a superior woman.

    Paginet
    Ah, leave me alone with your superior woman. In the end, you'll make me believe I am an idiot.

    Joseph (entering)
    Sir!

    Paginet
    What is it?

    Joseph
    It's the washerwoman.

    Paginet
    Well, what's the washerwoman to me?

    Joseph
    Why, sir, it's to pay for the linen.

    Paginet
    The linen?

    Livergin
    There, what did I tell you? You would be under the bushel.

    Paginet
    Am I in the habit of paying for the wash? Address yourself to my wife.

    Joseph
    But, now that madame has been decorated—

    Paginet
    There it is. So, because she's been decorated, I must become the woman of the house!

    Joseph
    Oh, sir! I didn't say that!

    Paginet
    Ah, this is too much! Where is the washerwoman? I'm going to kick her out.

    (Paginet goes out by the right.)

    Joseph
    What's wrong with him, sir?

    Livergin
    I don't know. A suppressed decoration.

    (Door bell rings.)

    Livergin
    A visit. (noticing Mrs. Livergin who enters hurriedly) Heavens! It's you.

    Mrs. Livergin
    Ah, I was looking for you. Come right away.

    Livergin
    Where to?

    Mrs. Livergin
    There's a telegram for you at home.

    Livergin
    Well?

    Mrs. Livergin
    Well, it must be from the Ministry.

    Livergin
    Huh! But, why didn't you bring it with you?

    Mrs. Livergin
    They won't give it to me. You have to sign for it.

    Livergin
    Ah, my God. Run! Run!

    Mrs. Paginet (entering)
    Ah, madame. They just told me of your visit.

    Mrs. Livergin
    Ah, really! Well, bye, dear lady, bye.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Now, there's a way of coming to see people.

    Livergin
    Hurry up! Come on!

    (Mr. and Mrs. Livergin bump into Paginet who enters as they are leaving.)

    Paginet
    Where are you going? What's gotten into you?

    Livergin
    Nothing! We are in a hurry! Bye, bye!

    Mrs. Livergin
    Goodbye! Goodbye!

    (The Livergins leave.)

    Paginet
    Ah, really! What's the matter with them? Now there are some manners!

    Mrs. Paginet
    I have no idea. Ah, look, my dear, more ladies from the Committee have given me such a beautiful crown.

    (Mrs. Paginet places a crown on the sofa.)

    Paginet
    Very pretty, indeed, very pretty. As for me, in the meantime, I was receiving the washerwoman.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You!

    Paginet
    Naturally, me! Since you weren't there! Since you were in the process of being crowned by the ladies.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh, well. It's not serious! For once you receive the washerwoman. Generally, it's always me.

    Paginet
    Eh! Well, yes, it's your business. Because you are decorated, you're not going to stop managing the household.

    Mrs. Paginet
    That's evident.

    Paginet
    You understand, as for me, I am very delighted that you are decorated! I've told you that, but still, the house mustn't suffer for it.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But it won't suffer for it, my dear. And here! The proof that I haven't abdicated my functions as manager is that I am going to prepare the dinner menu right away.

    Paginet
    You're only doing your duty.

    (Paginet sits on the sofa and, unaware, sits on the crown.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my God! Paginet!

    Paginet
    What?

    Mrs. Paginet
    You are sitting on my crown.

    Paginet (rising)
    Ah, your crown!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Oh, it's in a fine condition.

    Paginet
    What do you expect? It's not my fault! If you wouldn't leave your trophies on the furniture.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Still, you could look—

    Paginet
    It's going to be fun if you encumber the house with emblems.

    Joseph (entering at the back)
    Madame, the Market Women are bringing you a bouquet.

    Paginet
    There you go. The Market Women now.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, how kind of them. I'm going to receive them and give them twenty francs.

    Paginet
    Well, and the menu?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Well, heavens, do it yourself. At least you'll order what you like.

    Paginet
    Me!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes. Come, Joseph.

    (Mrs. Paginet exits with Joseph.)

    Paginet
    Me! Ah, this is too much! Ah, no. I won't do the menu. Ah, no. Ah, you take on like that with me. Ah, you think you're going to put me under the bushel. Well, you're going to find out. I'll have to exercise authority—and I will. Ah, why—we're going to have to put things in order here!

    (Paginet pushes open the door of the salon and finds Dardillon at Simone's feet.)

    Simone and Earnest (quickly straightening up)
    Ah!

    Paginet
    Dardillon, at Simone's feet.

    Earnest
    Mrs. Paginet.

    Simone
    Uncle.

    Paginet
    There's no Mr. Paginet. There's no uncle. You are going to leave—and in a bit of a hurry.

    Simone and Earnest
    Ah, my God.

    Mrs. Paginet (returning)
    What's wrong now?

    Paginet
    I've just surprised Mr. Dardillon at the feet of your niece.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Mr. Dardillon?

    Paginet
    Yes. That's what it is! It's your fault. If you were concerning yourself with the house—if you were watching over your niece—all this wouldn't have happened.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, my fault?

    Paginet
    There's no “Why, my fault?” (to Dardillon) As for you, sir, you're going to leave. I am kicking you out the door.

    Earnest
    But, sir, I love her.

    Paginet
    That's all the same to me. Go! Get out!

    Simone
    Well, no. He won't go. Because I, too, I love him and I'm going to marry him.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Huh?

    Paginet
    What are you saying? Go to your room!

    Simone
    Yes, I'll go! But, I will marry him—and I will never marry Mr. Plumarel.

    Paginet
    Will you!

    (Simone goes out to the left.)

    Paginet (to Dardillon)
    And you! You—make yourself scarce!

    Earnest
    Ah, take care, sir! If you kick me out, I'll go back to Mr. Pasteur.

    Paginet
    Go wherever you like.

    Earnest
    Yes. (starts to go, then returns) Well—no—I won't go back to Pasteur! From now on, far from here, I will only be in despair. You kick me out! So be it! I'm going. But, I'm going to throw myself under the wheels of the first vehicle I see going fast. I warn you! That's what you will have done, sir. And now, do you persist in being implacable?

    Paginet
    Yes.

    Earnest
    Then, goodbye. I am going to die.

    Paginet
    Well, go to it.

    Earnest
    Yes, sir.

    (Dardillon leaves by the rear.)

    Paginet
    Ah, things have got to be straightened out here. Things have got to be straightened out.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, what audacity.

    Paginet
    Ah, yes. What audacity. It's about time to say that. This is where you are taking us with your mad pride.

    Mrs. Paginet (flabbergasted)
    My mad pride!

    Paginet
    Yes! If your head weren't turned by your decoration! At least you'd have seen what was going on in your own home.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But, it seems to me that your head wasn't turned by your decoration—

    Paginet
    Ah, yes. There it is! Isn't it? It's a way of making me notice that you are decorated and I am not. But, I know it, my dear friend, I know it. You are a superior woman and, as for me, I am of no account.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But, I didn't say that.

    Paginet
    Yes, yes! I know quite well. I am nothing here. I am under the bushel. It's understood.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, no, my friend.

    Joseph (running in from the back)
    Sir! Sir! It's the band from Fontainbleau; they've learned of the nomination of Mrs. Paginet and have come to congratulate her.

    Paginet
    The band!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Show them in.

    Paginet
    Ah, well, no, for goodness sake. You are not going to receive them here. In the end, I've had enough of it—if we must be invaded by your Committee women, by your women from the market and by bands. This is not an existence any more. It's not an existence. (the band enters from the back and forms up double time) Watch out. If you don't put them out the door, I'll leave the house.

    Patrigeot (to Mrs. Paginet)
    Madame, great news comes like lightning.

    Paginet
    Yes! Well, go to the devil with your great news.

    Patrigeot
    What's gotten into him?

    Paginet
    You want to push me to the limit, right? You want to push me to the limit? (to the band) Go!

    Mrs. Paginet (to the band)
    Yes, gentlemen, pay no attention. Come this way.

    Patrigeot
    Why, madame.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Come. Here are five francs for you.

    Band
    Long live Mrs. Paginet!

    (Mrs. Paginet leaves through the door at the left, followed by the band at double time.)

    Paginet
    Oh, no. This is too much, too much. These people come to sneer at me in my own home. And she's giving them francs—and the five francs are mine. Why, that's a waste! Ah, this house, this house, this house! No! No! If this lasts much longer, I prefer to get out. (calling) Joseph!

    Joseph (entering)
    Sir!

    Paginet
    Go pack my suitcase.

    Joseph
    You're leaving?

    Paginet
    Ah, yes, I'm leaving. Ah, yes, I'm leaving—and you can say so to your mistress. I've had enough of this house. I have had enough of it! Go!

    Joseph
    Right, sir. (going, from outside) What's eating him?

    Paginet
    Oh, no! No! It's too much! It's too much, too much.

    Livergin (running in from the rear with Mrs. Livergin)
    Ah, my friend—if you knew what's happened to me.

    Paginet
    Great! Here's the other one. Well, what is it? What's the matter?

    Livergin
    Ah, my friend, you won't believe it. I've got it.

    Paginet
    Well, so much the worse for you. You should've watched your wife.

    Livergin
    Why no, I'm decorated.

    Paginet
    Huh! You—you, too?

    Livergin
    Yes—here's a telegram form the Ministry announcing it to me. (reading) Your name on list of nominees. (aloud) I am nominated.

    Paginet
    Well, I don't give a damn about your nomination. Here! The decorations are that way. Go that way. Goodnight to you.

    Livergin
    Why, he's crazy!

    Mrs. Livergin
    Ah, hello, Mr. Paginet.

    Paginet
    Hello, madame! Go that way! With your husband! Go that way!

    Mrs. Livergin
    What a way to receive a person.

    (Mr. and Mrs. Livergin go out to the right.)

    Paginet
    Decorated! Look who they decorate now. A Livergin! That's the limit!

    Mrs. Paginet (entering)
    Be satisfied. I just dismissed the band.

    Paginet
    Ah, I laugh at your band. Receive them as much as you like. I won't be in your way.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why?

    Paginet
    Why? Because I'm going to go. I've had enough, you understand. I'm leaving the house!

    Mrs. Paginet
    You!

    Paginet
    Yes, and you can tell yourself that it's your fool pride that made me do it!

    Mrs. Paginet
    My fool pride!

    Joseph (entering with the suitcase)
    Here's your suitcase, sir.

    Paginet
    Thanks. (Joseph leaves) Ah, you wanted to push me to the limit. Well, I'm going.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, my God. Where are you going?

    Paginet
    Wherever I care to.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Paginet! Paginet! I beg you.

    Paginet
    Leave me in peace.

    (Paginet goes out to the rear.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Paginet! Paginet! (falling into a chair) Ah, my God!

    Livergin and Mrs. Livergin (coming in)
    What's the matter?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, Mr. Livergin—my husband! My husband has just left in exasperation. He's left home.

    Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
    Huh?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes. I beg you, run after him. Stop him. He cannot have gone far.

    Livergin
    Me!

    Mrs. Paginet
    Yes. You're his friend! Well, I appeal to your friendship.

    Livergin
    That's fine. I'm on my way. (aside) They never call under your title as friend except to demand services. (to Mrs. Livergin) Come on, let's go!

    Mrs. Livergin (low)
    What? You're going to go after him?

    Livergin
    No, indeed. I'm going to play a game of dominoes at the café. I'll tell her I didn't find him.

    Mrs. Livergin
    Ah, good.

    (Mr. and Mrs. Livergin leave.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    What have I done, I ask you, to deserve all this? What have I done! The wretch! Ah, my God! My God!

    (Noise is heard in the distance.)

    Simone (entering excitedly)
    Ah, auntie, auntie! It's Mr. Dardillon. They're bringing him. He's limping, he's very pale.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Mr. Dardillon?

    Earnest (entering, supported by Joseph)
    Oh, how ill I am. How ill I am.

    Joseph
    Easy, take it easy. Walk slowly.

    Simone
    Earnest! What's the matter with you?

    Earnest
    Oh, careful—oh—oh—oh.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You're injured? Explain yourself.

    Earnest
    In a minute, a seat—a seat.

    Mrs. Paginet (making Dardillon sit down)
    Here, there, there.

    (Exit Joseph.)

    Earnest
    Thank you.

    Mrs. Paginet and Simone
    Ah, what happened to you?

    Earnest
    I don't know myself what happened to me. All I know is that I left I despair and was going to hurl myself under the wheels of the first vehicle that I met.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Wretch!

    Earnest
    Yes, wretch! I already met several, only they were only fiacres. They weren't going fast. Finally, luck made me smile. I noticed a huge carriage. It was out of control. The people inside were screaming. The coachman was yelling from the seat. I said to myself that heaven sent me this, this way I won't escape. And boom! I threw myself under the legs of the horses.

    Mrs. Paginet and Simone.
    Ah!

    Earnest
    Perhaps you think I was crushed, that I was killed by the blow. Well, no. I prefer to tell you right away, no.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, you reassure us.

    Earnest
    But, ill luck pursued me. The legs of the horses entwined with mine. They stumbled, rolled over me! There they were, on the ground. I felt five tons of horses on top of me. Then, shouts from all sides. They took me, carried me away—and all around me I heard praise: enthusiastic shouts of Bravo! Bravo! He saved the Minister. He's a hero!

    Simone
    You saved the Minister?

    Earnest
    Ah, I didn't do it intentionally, I assure you. And then, so many questions. Where should we take you? Who are you? But, I felt my strength desert me. I had only time to utter the few words that brought me to you. Then, I lost consciousness—and here I am.

    Simone
    Ah, my poor Earnest.

    Mrs. Paginet
    But really, dunderhead that you are, it's not reasonable to throw yourself under the hooves of horses. You might have been killed.

    Earnest
    That's what I wanted, madame.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Here, come this way. It will do you good to stretch out a little.

    Earnest
    Yes, I'd like that.

    (Dardillon is supported by Simone and Mrs. Paginet.)

    Earnest
    Ah, how I hurt! How I hurt!

    Mrs. Paginet (calling)
    Joseph! Joseph!

    Joseph (entering)
    Madame?

    Mrs. Paginet
    Bring a glass of cognac to revive this gentleman.

    Joseph
    The good stuff?

    Earnest (in a weak voice)
    Yes, the good stuff, the good stuff.

    (Dardillon goes out with Mrs. Paginet and Simone.)

    Joseph
    Let's see. Where's the cognac? (finding two bottles in the buffet) Now, which is the good one? (sipping from one) Ah, this is it.

    (Joseph replaces the other bottle.)

    Mrs. Paginet (reappearing)
    Well, the cognac?

    Joseph
    Here it is, madame.

    (Mrs. Paginet leaves. Paginet enters from the rear with a sulky expression.)

    Joseph (noticing him)
    Heavens. He's back.

    Paginet
    That's fine. Leave me alone.

    Joseph
    I'll tell madame.

    Paginet
    It's not worth the trouble. I'll tell her myself.

    Joseph (leaving by the rear)
    Fine sir. (aside) He brought back his ill temper, too.

    (Paginet tosses his suitcase on the armchair, then paces up and down, stops, scratches his head.)

    Paginet
    Decidedly, I've been stupid.

    Joseph (entering)
    Sir.

    Paginet
    What is it? What is it this time?

    Joseph
    It's a government messenger.

    Paginet
    Well, fine. What does he want with me?

    Joseph
    He brought this letter. He told me it was on the subject of your act of heroism.

    Paginet
    What does he mean, my act of heroism?

    Joseph
    How would I know?

    Paginet
    Fine. Get out. (Joseph leaves) (reading) Sir, the Minister directs me to tell you he will never forget the act of courage you performed today. (puzzled, he checks the address on the envelope, then continues) The Minister does not question that he owes you his life. (staggered) To me? (reading) If you hadn't so resolutely tossed yourself at the head of his runaway horses, who knows what would have come of it? (puzzled) What in the dickens is he talking about? (reading on) Sir, your lengthy medical service and numerous scientific works have long attracted attention and merit exceptional titles. The Chancellery, having placed two additional Crosses at his disposal, the Minister proposes to nominate you to the Legion of Honor forthwith. (stunned) Decorated! Me! Ah, look, let's see. Am I dreaming? My titles, my work, I understand, but this act of courage—the runaway horses—

    Plumarel (coming in excitedly from the back)
    Ah, Mr. Paginet.

    Paginet
    You!

    Plumarel
    Ah, bravo! Bravo! What courage, what heroism.

    Paginet
    This is nice—him, too.

    Plumarel
    You saved a Minister, and my uncle—

    Paginet
    Come on, look, what's all this about? I didn't do anything extraordinary.

    Plumarel
    Nothing extraordinary, he says! What modesty. But my uncle knows what he owes you. He's there to say what you did.

    Paginet
    Well, what did I do?

    Plumarel
    Why, just like it happened. As his runaway carriage passed before you, as you must recall—

    Paginet
    You know, in moments of great excitement like that, everything's a blur—all vague.

    Plumarel
    Well, at the risk of your life, you threw yourself at the head of the horses.

    Paginet
    No!

    Plumarel
    Ah, Mr. Paginet, let me shake your hand. What you did was so fine, so great! Such an act of courage.

    Paginet (aside)
    An act of courage. Hum. Let's see, I really saved the Minister. In a fit of absent mindedness—it's not possible.

    Plumarel
    And no, I can really tell you, the little ribbon is a done deal.

    Paginet
    It's true! I've just received a letter from the Minister's deputy himself.

    Plumarel
    Well, you see!

    Paginet
    Ah, my friend, my friend. (aside) There's nothing to say. It must have been in a fit of absent mindedness—because I know myself—I'd never have done it knowingly.

    Plumarel
    You see, Mr. Paginet, in life it's a good thing to have titles, but it's even better to deserve them. Well, you've found the best way of deserving them.

    Paginet
    Yes, indeed, I've found the best way.

    Plumarel
    By saving the Minister.

    Paginet
    Why, it's clear—I saved the Minister.

    (The Livergins enter.)

    Livergin
    Ah, finally. Here he is!

    Paginet
    Ah, Livergin, my friend. Come here. You don't know. I've been decorated.

    Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
    You!

    Paginet
    Yes. I saved the Minister, my friend. I saved the Minister.

    Livergin
    What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

    Paginet
    What am I talking about! Ask Plumarel what I'm talking about.

    Livergin (to Plumarel)
    What—he saved the Minister?

    Plumarel
    Absolutely! And with such courage.

    Paginet
    The courage of unconsciousness—in one moment—a ray of light was enough to make a hero of me. I saw only one thing—a runaway carriage rushing out of control—horses terrified and the wretches who would infallibly be crushed, mutilated, perhaps killed. Then I listened only to my courage and threw myself at the head of the horses at the risk of my life.

    Livergin
    You!

    Mrs. Livergin
    Ah, this is frightening.

    Plumarel
    You see, indeed, your memory is coming back.

    Paginet
    Yes. Oh, now it comes to me, it comes back to me. Well, Livergin, my friend, the man whose life I saved for his family, for France, was the Minister.

    Livergin
    The Minister!

    Paginet
    Yes, it was he I saved.

    Livergin (aside)
    Intriguer.

    Mrs. Paginet (coming in)
    You. Ah, I knew quite well you would return.

    Paginet
    Ah, baby—

    Mrs. Paginet
    Why, where have you been, villain? Where have you been?

    Paginet
    Where have I been? I was doing my duty.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Your duty?

    Paginet
    Be proud of me, darling. I return to you glorious and decorated.

    Livergin
    He's poetic in his honors.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Decorated! You! But, how did it happen?

    Paginet
    It's quite simple. One moment—a flash was enough to make me a hero.

    Simone (entering with Dardillon)
    Come, give me your arm. Walk slowly.

    Earnest
    Oh, Mr. Paginet.

    Paginet
    Dardillon, here! What are you doing here, sir, when I forbade you?

    Simone
    Uncle, don't scold him. If you know what happened to him—a terrible accident.

    Paginet
    An accident?

    Earnest
    Oh, yes, sir. After you so cruelly kicked me out, I left with a breaking heart, swearing not to survive my misfortune.

    Paginet
    Well, yes, that's fine. And then?

    Earnest
    Suddenly I noticed a big carriage out of control—

    All
    Huh?

    Earnest
    Heeding only my despair, I threw myself at the head of the horses.

    All
    Him, too?

    Paginet (aside)
    Ah, my God—what a horrible flash. (to the others) Excuse me, excuse me. I have a word to say to him.

    All
    Huh?

    Paginet
    Dardillon, come here.

    Earnest
    Ah, my God. What's the matter, sir?

    Paginet (low)
    Whose carriage was it?

    Earnest
    It belonged to the Minister I think.

    Paginet
    It belonged—Dardillon, you love my niece—I am granting you her hand.

    Earnest
    Is it possible?

    Paginet
    But, on one condition. Swear to me you will forget you ever saved the Minister.

    Earnest
    Me!

    Paginet
    Yes. I will tell you why! But, swear.

    Earnest
    At that price—I swear it.

    Mrs. Paginet
    Ah, what are you whispering about over there?

    Paginet
    You are going to know! My friends, I have the honor of announcing the engagement of my niece with Mr. Dardillon.

    Simone
    Is it possible?

    Earnest
    Oh, sir!

    Plumarel
    Well, and me!

    Paginet
    What do you want? Simone loves Dardillon and not you. I would never cross their inclinations.

    Plumarel
    That's fine. I won't insist.

    Paginet
    Come. It's a fine day. Two fiancés and two decorations.

    Livergin
    You can say three. I am decorated, too.

    Mrs. Paginet
    You?

    Plumarel
    What? You already know. And I was expecting the pleasure of announcing it to you.

    Livergin
    Yes, I am nominated.

    Plumarel
    Right! Officer of the Academy.

    Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
    What are you saying?

    Plumarel
    I say, you are nominated officer of the Academy.

    Paginet
    Good!

    Livergin
    I am Officer of the Academy. I am Officer of the Academy. I am Officer of the Academy.

    Paginet
    Well, yes, what of it? You are Officer of the Academy.

    Mrs. Livergin
    My poor friend, you see your government.

    Livergin
    Ah, this is too much. (pulling a box full of ribbons from his pocket) And I bought a dozen decorations.

    (Livergin places the box near Paginet who takes one out as one takes a pinch of snuff.)

    Paginet
    Thanks.

    (Paginet puts the ribbon in his buttonhole.)

    Mrs. Paginet
    Finally, you have it, my darling. It was, indeed, owed to you. You deserved it for a long time without getting it.

    Paginet (aside)
    And I got it this time without deserving it.

    CURTAIN