EText by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
Translated and Adapted by
Frank J. Morlock
C 1999
CHARACTERS:
Paginet
Livergin
Plumarel
Earnest Dardillon
Rasanville
Joseph
Patrigeot
Madame Paginet
Targinette
Simone
Madame Livergin
Rosanville
At Paris. Paginet's place.
Paginet's work study. In the back to the right, a large entry door giving on a vestibule. A large window to the left with a balcony. Also to the left a chimney surmounted by a mirror. Between the chimney and the balcony a door with two flats giving on the apartments of Madame Paginet. To the right, a door also with two flats. Chairs on each side of the door. Tables, chairs, a piano. On the piano a telephone linked to the chimney by a cord which lies on the floor.
AT RISE, Joseph, dressed in a white tie, is straightening out the papers on the table. The telephone rings.
Joseph
Ah, the telephone. (going to the telephone) Hello! Hello! What a
wonderful contraption the telephone is. To think, you can communicate
over long distances. (into telephone) Hello, hello. But now always
well. Hey. Hello. Look, what? I don't understand. Speak louder. Huh?
Indeed. Don't scream like that. I'm not deaf. That's better. Doctor
Paginet? What do you want with him? Yes, indeed, it works fine. Can you
imagine, calling to ask if the telephone works well? That's for them to
know about, not me. What a damn invention!
Paginet (entering, going to his desk)
Joseph?
Joseph
Sir?
Paginet (writing without looking at Joseph)
Has my wife returned?
Joseph
No, sir.
Paginet
Not yet?
Joseph
Ah! No, sir.
Paginet
It's three days since I last saw her.
Joseph
She went to the home for orphan children. She's the president.
Paginet
It's true! There's a woman devoted to her work.
Joseph
Yes, sir. But, what wonderful work. If you knew how they speak of
her in the papers. They say she's a saint.
Paginet
It's a just comparison. Go tell my niece I need to speak to her.
Joseph
To Miss Simone! Why, she's here already.
(Joseph points to Simone who comes in from the left. Joseph goes out the back.)
Paginet
Ah, there you are, Simone. Perfect child. I have to have a serious
talk with you.
Simone
With me? Heavens! That smells of marriage, uncle.
Paginet (aside)
She's got a nose for news. (aloud) Well, indeed. It is a question
of marriage. You're surely not opposed to that idea?
Simone
Does one ask such a question of a young girl. Have I been asked
for?
Paginet
Exactly. And I wanted to consult with you before mentioning it to
your aunt.
Simone
That's very sweet.
Paginet
You will see. He's not the first comer.
Simone
Oh, I know, indeed. Shall I paint his portrait for you? He's blond
with blue eyes.
Paginet
Not at all. He's brown-haired with black eyes.
Simone
Huh? Why, his name's not—
Paginet
Yes, his name is Lucien.
Simone
Ah!
(The telephone rings.)
Paginet
The telephone. Hang on a minute. (going to the telephone) Hello!
Hello!
Simone (aside)
Why, then, it's not Earnest. Ah, that Earnest. You can count on
men— wet chickens!
Paginet (into the telephone)
Hello. Who is this? What? Huh?
Simone
What is it?
Paginet
I don't know! It's a gentleman who says: “It's is I, Earnest. I am
coming.”
Simone (aside)
My God! It's Earnest. The mad fool! (aloud) It must be someone
mistaken. I am going to play him a trick. You're going to see.
Paginet
Why, no. Look, don't do that.
Simone
Yes, yes. You are going to see. (to the telephone) Here I am,
Earnest.
Paginet
What a kidder.
Simone
Yes, I'll always love you!
Paginet
Come on! Come on! Simone!
Simone
Lave me alone. (into the telephone) Come. Time presses. Huh You got
my letter? Well, follow the directions, step by step.
Paginet
She's very poised!
Simone (into the telephone)
Why, yes. Look, he who risks nothing, gains nothing. Goodbye, I
love you. (pushes the cut-off three times) There! That's very amusing.
Paginet
Why, the poor guy! What you were doing, that was rather
presumptuous.
Simone
Ah, bah! It's under the cover of anonymity. Well, let's see, let's
talk, uncle. Who is this handsome suitor?
Paginet
Well, here it is. He's Mr. Plumarel.
Simone
Ah, the nephew of the Minister?
Paginet
How do you like him?
Simone
Ah, very nice! Very nice, and, after all, he's the nephew of the
Minister.
Paginet
Exactly. And I can really confide in you that to the Minister it's
really a question of my promotion to the Legion of Honor.
Simone
And that's really fair. You've got all the titles.
Paginet
Child! Everyone in the world has titles. When you want them, you
always get them.
Simone
Except when they don't exist?
Paginet
Those folks are called exceptional. You see, it's just like with
books. It's not the title that sells them, it's there reputations.
Well, with Plumarel, it's my reputation.
Simone
I understand. He warms you up with his uncle. He hammers on you.
Paginet
Ah, very hard. And, as you say, he hammers me, he hammers me
through his uncle. And, therefore, therefore—I offer him to you as a
husband.
Simone
But, I thinks that's perfectly fine, uncle.
Paginet
Then, I can tell him?
Simone
Do you think he must be told like that, right away?
Paginet
Why not? Do you see any inconveniences?
Simone
For me—none! But, for you! You know human nature is very
ungrateful.
Paginet
What?
Simone
Hell, if you gave him my hand right away—it's all over. And, if
later, you are not decorated, you're stuck!
Paginet
That's perfectly true.
Simone
Make them give you the decoration first.
Paginet
Yes, against payment.
Simone
That's right, uncle. In life, you have to be practical.
Paginet
Why, you're right! And here I was not thinking of that at all! To
see you engaged, married—and then nothing—after all, that's hardly
reasonable. If you loved this lad, I would have said forget about my
decoration, but since, at the moment, you don't love him, I don't want
you to marry for prunes.
Simone
That's fair. (to audience) That's my uncle.
Paginet
Heavens, you are astonishing! A woman that understands everything.
Then, I shall say to Plumarel—
Simone
Deliver the goods on payment.
Paginet
That's that.
(Paginet goes out to the right.)
Simone
Yes, go, uncle. Your Plumarel's not my husband yet. But, what's
Earnest doing? I told him to hurry—and he's not here yet!
(Joseph comes from the rear introducing Earnest.)
Simone (aside)
There he is!
Earnest (aside) There she is! (aloud, to Joseph) Ah, sir, I am
ill—
very ill.
Joseph
My God, sir, it will pass. Here we are used to seeing sick people.
Earnest
Indeed. (taking Joseph's hand) Doctor Paginet, right?
Joseph
No, his servant.
Earnest
Oh! Pardon me.
Joseph
Nothing to be upset about. I am going to announce you to the
doctor.
Simone
No! The doctor is busy. I'll inform him.
Joseph
Fine, Miss. (to Earnest) Indeed, Miss is the Doctor's nurse.
Earnest
Really? Ah, I am ill, Miss, really ill.
Joseph (leaving by the rear)
That lad is in a bad way.
Earnest (running to Simone)
Simone!
Simone
Ah, you finally got here!
Earnest
What do you think of my way of getting in here?
Simone
Ingenuious.
Earnest
Yes, I don't know what the illness is yet; I am relying on the
doctor to find it. Now, speak! What's happening?
Simone
Well, we have no time to lose! My uncle wants me to marry.
Earnest
Who?
Simone
To Mr. Plumarel, the nephew of the Minister who is busy getting him
decorated.
Earnest
Will he do it?
Simone
And in exchange, my uncle is promising him my hand.
Earnest
But, your aunt will oppose it?
Simone
My aunt? She's mad about Mr. Plumarel, too. He covers her with
flowers all day long. Really, like a statue.
Earnest
In that case, what are you going to do?
Simone
Why, struggle! For the moment, the important thing is for you to be
here. I am going to make you take service with my uncle.
Earnest (protesting)
You want me to be a servant?
Simone
No, but my uncle needs a new assistant in his laboratory. Well,
will you be his assistant?
Earnest
Me? I'll make everything pop!
Simone
All you have to do is be careful. The first time he asks you to
perform an experiment, you'll ask him: “Is there any danger of this
exploding?” If he tells you no, you can go ahead. There will be nothing
to fear.
Earnest
Yes! And who knows, if, going into it like a blind man, I don't
make a superb discovery.
Simone
Hell! Well, that remains to be seen!
Earnest
Yes, but why do you think your uncle will take me? He'll ask me for
my references, my periods of employment.
Simone
I'll take care of that, I will. And then, if you know how to manage
my uncle, he's not insensible to flattery. Speak to him about his
work— his experiments with magnetism, and especially his famous
thesis: “The Destruction of the Microbe.”
Earnest
Ah, he doesn't believe in microbes?
Simone
No, my uncle is what is known as an Anti-Microbean. (voice of
Paginet is heard) I hear him. I am going to leave you. I'll come in, if
necessary.
(Exit Simone.)
Earnest
Then, here I am, going to be a doctor's assistant! Me! After all,
doctor's assistants, before coming doctor's assistants, were not
doctor's assistants. Everything has its beginning.
(Earnest notices Paginet entering from the right.)
Paginet
Oh, excuse me, sir. They didn't tell me you were here. To whom do I
have the honor?
Earnest
Dardillon. Earnest Dardillon.
Paginet
My respects, sir. And what do you want?
Earnest
What do I want? Why, to be the humble servant of one of the
greatest scientists of the century. The most zealous disciple of our
greatest light—of the one who dares to say aloud what we are thinking
to ourselves: “The Destruction of the Microbe.”
Paginet
Ah, sir—
Earnest
I know you are looking for an assistant. Well, if you want the most
devoted, the most assiduous of all—take me.
Paginet
You, why, you know this requires a certain amount of experience? Do
you already have some experience in the field?
Earnest
Why, my God, sir, I will admit to you—
Simone (entering from the left)
Ah, excuse, uncle. I thought you were above.
Paginet
Ah, that doesn't matter. (presenting Earnest) Mr. Dardillon, my
niece.
Earnest (bowing as if he didn't know Simone)
Enchanted, Miss.
Simone
Mr. Dardillon. Aren't you the famous assistant?
Earnest
Huh, me—(with cheek) Yes, yes.
Paginet
What?
Simone
Oh, sir, why, there's been nothing but talk of you in the papers
recently.
Paginet
There's been talk of him?
Earnest (modestly)
Oh! Oh!
Simone (to Paginet, cagily)
This gentleman? Haven't you read about him in the papers?
Paginet
No, no. I get little chance to read the papers.
Simone
This is the gentleman that Pasteur offered whatever he wanted to
become his assistant.
Paginet
Go on! And you refused?
Earnest
As a matter of fact—
Simone
And he replied with this famous phrase: “I won't believe in
microbes unless I see them with my naked eye.”
Paginet
You said that?
Ernest
So it seems. (aside) She's got nerve.
Paginet
Well, Simone, you can't imagine. This gentleman—the gentleman who
refused Pasteur's offer—he's just asked me to take him as my
assistant.
Simone
Him! Oh, uncle—what an honor!
Paginet (shaking Earnest's hand)
Ah, sir.
Simone (also shaking Earnest's hand)
Ah, sir.
(Joseph come in at the rear with some flowers.)
Paginet
What's all that?
Joseph
Madame has returned with Mr. Plumarel with a dwarf palm and some
flowers.
Earnest (to Joseph)
Oh, oh, you're loaded down.
Joseph
Heavens! You're no longer sick?
Earnest
No. I'm an assistant.
(Paginet watches his wife and Plumarel enter carrying boxes of roses.)
Paginet
Hello, my dear.
Simone
Hello, auntie!
Mrs. Paginet (pointing to the flowers)
Another graciousness of Mr. Plumarel.
Simone (low to Earnest)
There! What was I telling you?
Paginet
This dear Plumarel—
Plumarel
I won't shake your hand because mine are full.
Paginet
Wait! My little Plumarel, follow Joseph and take those flowers into
the office.
Plumarel
Yes! I shall return!
(Plumarel leaves with Joseph by the left.)
Mrs. Paginet
Ah! what a session at the orphanage!
Paginet (presenting his wife to Earnest)
Mrs. Paginet, my wife, president of the Orphanage of Bastard
Children.
Earnest (bowing)
A very fine work, Madame!
Paginet
Mr. Dardillon! I have no need to say more.
Mrs. Paginet
Sir!
Paginet
You've read about him in the papers, haven't you?
Mrs. Paginet
No. What?
Paginet
This is the gentleman who told Pasteur: “I wouldn't believe in
microbes even if I saw them with my naked eye.”
Mrs. Paginet
Oh. I didn't know.
Paginet
Then, what do you read about in the papers? Well—it's him!
Mrs. Paginet
Ah!
Paginet
He's going to help me by becoming my assistant.
Mrs. Paginet
I'm delighted, sir.
Paginet (to his wife)
Ah, it gives me pleasure to see you. No reproaches, but it's three
days since I've laid eyes on you.
Mrs. Paginet
It's your fault. I was home all day yesterday. If you hadn't been
at St. Faigeau—
Paginet
What can I do? I've got patients there. Something good happened to
me down there.
All
What was it?
Paginet
As usual, I was dining there at St. Faigeau. There was a great
banquet of reactionaries—you know who the president was? Picardon?
Mrs. Paginet
Picardon?
Paginet
When he saw me, he insisted I have coffee with them. There was no
way to refuse.
Mrs. Paginet
You were in the opposition.
Paginet
Bah! They weren't talking science. All they talked of was women!
Mrs. Paginet
Doctor Paginet, you are a little scamp.
Plumarel (coming in from the left)
Ah, now I can shake hands, at least. (to Simone) Ah, Miss Simone,
why, I didn't see you.
Simone
That wouldn't be too bad!
Plumarel (bowing to Earnest)
Sir!
Paginet
It's true. I haven't presented Mr. Plumarel, nephew of the
Minister. Mr. Dardillon, my new assistant.
Plumarel
Dardillon? Why, I know that name.
Paginet
By God! You must have read about him n the paper. He's the
gentleman who told Pasteur he wouldn't believe in microbes even if he
saw them with his naked eye.
Earnest (aside)
Ah! Why, he bores me with that quotation.
Plumarel
No, that's not it. (to Dardillon) Don't you have a relative at
Number 7 in St. Louis?
Earnest
A relative! I am he.
Plumarel
Heavens! You! Don't you recognize me? Plumarel?
Earnest
Why, yes, indeed. I recognize you quite well by your name.
Paginet
They know each other? Well, there you are! They leave college and
meet as nephew of a Minister—
Plumarel
Ah, on the subject of the Minister—I am busy about your
decoration.
Paginet
Right! Yes, yes! That's fine. Wait. Mr. Dardillon, if you what to
visit your laboratory—(pointing to the door of the laboratory)
Earnest
Very willingly. Goodbye, Plumarel.
Plumarel (to Dardillon)
See you again soon.
Simone
As for me, I'm going to my room.
(Dardillon enters the laboratory. Simone leaves by the left.)
Paginet
I beg you, my friend. Pay attention to what you are saying. You
were about to speak of my decoration in front of this young man. What's
that boy going to think! Okay, what's new?
Plumarel
Well, my dear fellow. I think this time it's in the bag.
Paginet
Really? You've seen the minister?
Plumarel
Yes, I've seen my uncle. All is going well.
Paginet
Ah, what joy. Why, you know, Plumarel, I won't forget it. As for
me, I'm no ingrate! You understand me, don't you? You get me?
Mrs. Paginet
What are you talking about?
Paginet
Nothing. He understands, he understands me. Ah, my dear Plumarel—
Plumarel
Oh, why thank Mrs. Paginet as well. If she hadn't spoken to my
uncle the ways she did yesterday—
Paginet
You spoke to the Minister?
Mrs. Paginet
Oh, a word yesterday as they were giving out prizes at our
orphanage. He was presiding.
Paginet
Ah, baby!
Mrs. Paginet
It will give me so much pleasure to see my ning nong decorated.
Paginet
And to me, too. First off, it will please Livergin—dear old
Livergin.
Plumarel
Who's this Livergin?
Paginet
An old friend of mine. I've known him twenty years.
Plumarel
Twenty years. That must create close bonds!
Paginet
Hell, yes, because this Livergin has the nastiest disposition—
envious, spiteful.
Plumarel (aside)
Oh, really! (aloud) How come I've never met him?
Paginet
Don't gripe about it. He'd never leave you alone. He's a poor
pharmacist, who, under the pretext that he invented some lozenges—
Livergin's Lozenges—is angling for a decoration. He stirs up the
world. He demands help. He's loathsome.
Plumarel
Well, then, you think he'll be happy to see you decorated?
Paginet
Him? He will be furious. The mere thought of that will please me.
Joseph (entering from the rear)
Sir!
Paginet
What is it?
Joseph
There's a lady who came, some time ago already—and she's from the
Academy.
Paginet
A lady from the Academy?
Joseph
Yes, sir. She skips as she walks. Miss—(trying to remember her
name) Tar—Tar—
Paginet
Targinette?
Joseph
Yes, sir.
Plumarel
What? Targinette!
Paginet
Yes. And he told me she's from the Academy. She's a dancer!
Joseph
She prides herself on it, perhaps, but she told me she was from the
Academy of Music.
Paginet
Ah, yes. But it's not the same thing. Ah, Miss Targinette? So,
she's decided to come pay me my honorarium. (to Joseph) Show her in.
(Exit Joseph.)
Mrs. Paginet
A dancer! I must have a lot of confidence in you to allow you to
receive a young and pretty dancer whose legs you've treated.
Paginet
Does she have legs! You know quite well that, when a man loves his
wife, a dancer's leg is not a leg. And besides, she owes me some money.
Consequently—
Plumarel
Consequently, she won't pay you.
Paginet
What do you know about it? Do you know her?
Plumarel
Who is the young man in Paris who doesn't know Targinette a little!
Paginet
Yes! Well, as I am not a young man, we shall see if she doesn't pay
me. Oh! She's not going to cheat me.
Joseph (entering and announcing)
Miss Targinette!
Paginet (low to Mrs. Paginet)
Go, baby, go.
(Mrs. Paginet leaves by the left with Plumarel.)
Targinette (entering from the rear)
Hello, my good doctor!
Paginet
Ah, there you are, my dear child. I admit I was a little astonished
by your long silence.
Targinette
Oh, yes—scold me! Scold me! I am a villain! You, to whom I owe
gratitude—
Paginet
Why, no. You don't owe me gratitude.
Targinette
Gratitude doesn't argue—it proves itself.
Paginet
Yes, but I am not for gratitude to doctors. The doctor brings you
his knowledge, the merchant his goods—and the client brings you in
exchange the fruits of his labors. That's why the ancients invented
money.
Targinette
Ah, what a great invention, doctor.
Paginet
Oh, it's convenient. It's convenient compared to old-fashioned
barter, when for ten sacks of wheat you paid with five sheep. I don't
see you bringing me five sheep.
Targinette
Oh, me either, doctor. Five sheep!
Paginet
Whereas, with money, which is the equivalent of the said five
sheep, you can satisfy those to whom you are indebted.
Targinette
Evidently. And, as for me, when I have a debt, it prevents me from
sleeping.
Paginet
And not sleeping is very bad!
Targinette
So, I said to myself: “I'm going to see the doctor, I owe him a
visit.”
Paginet
Several visits.
Targinette
In that sense, several visits.
Paginet
And they said she was a cheater!
Paginet
It's just because of your excellent services that I am able to
dance today.
Paginet
You are dancing now?
Targinette (fumbling in her pocket)
Yes, in Coppelea.
Paginet
What are you looking for?
Targinette
My purse.
Paginet
Oh, I ask your pardon.
Targinette
Yes! Because I took precautions. (looking in her purse) And, I'm
bringing you—
Paginet
Oh, it's no rush! It's no rush!
Targinette
Why, yes! I have my tickets with me.
Paginet
Tickets. (between his teeth) I must have the money.
(Paginet goes to his desk and opens a drawer.)
Targinette
Here. (offering a ticket) For you and your wife!
Paginet (taking the ticket)
What's that? Why is it blank?
Targinette
Because it's free.
Paginet (reading)
Two seats—at the Opera. (aside) Ah, indeed! She's rather bold,
this one! (aloud) No, I thank you. Tomorrow I am not free—and then,
when I go to the theatre I pay on principle. The director brings you
his merchandise, as for me, I bring him the fruits of my labor.
Targinette
Yes, you're returning to your sheep.
Paginet
Hell, yes—hell yes—ten sacks of wheat, five sheep, I'm back
there.
Targinette
Ah, how right you are. To feel one owes nothing to anyone.
Paginet
Indeed, yes.
Targinette
To go about with your head held high!
Paginet
That's the truth.
Targinette
Oh, yes, to pay—to pay—there's nothing like it.
Paginet (aside)
But for all that she's not paying me.
Targinette
To pay, as you are able—in money, or otherwise—but pay! Ah, how
much I advise the story of the woman, who too poor to pay a doctor that
had saved her husband, was too proud to remain the doctor's debtor, so
she gave herself to the doctor as payment for curing her husband.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Paginet
As a story, yes.
Targinette (putting her arm around his neck)
As for me—I think it's classical. Don't you, my good doctor?
Paginet (aside)
What's she planning to do? (aloud) Yes! Yes!
Targinette (running her hand through his hair)
Ah, beautiful hair, pretty hair.
Paginet (aside)
She's tickling me.
Targinette
Is all of it yours?
Paginet
Evidently. It's mine.
Targinette
Oh, how handsome he is. How handsome!
Paginet
I beg your pardon. I am very ticklish.
(Paginet goes to sit on the couch.)
Targinette
Ah, the doctor is ticklish, is he? (sitting next to him) Do you
know what they said about you the other night at the Opera? They said:
“Oh, that Paginet must be a great hit with the ladies.”
Paginet
Huh? Me? Ah, no!
Targinette (cuddling closer)
Ah, yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.
(Paginet recoils. Targinette looks at him and he lowers his gaze.)
Targinette
You see, you cannot tell me that and face me.
Paginet
Ah! Why's that? Yes!
(Paginet meets Targinette's fixed gaze. He is very confused. He looks at the ceiling, then the floor.)
Targinette
What's wrong with you?
Paginet
Nothing. (aside) She upsets me with her eyes.
Targinette (moving very close)
Ah, the little doctor who seems to want nothing.
(Paginet recoils. Targinette cuddles closer.)
Paginet (aside, almost falling off the couch)
Ah, is she going to sit on my lap?
Targinette
Your poor wife must have a lot to complain of.
Paginet
No, indeed. No, indeed.
(Targinette takes the end of her skirt and drops it over Paginet's knees.)
Targinette
Oh, yes—indeed.
Paginet
Now, there's an attitude. She's going to make me have scenes with
my wife! (rising) I ask your pardon. I regret to contradict you. When
one is lucky enough to be married to my wife, one is protected against
appearances.
Targinette
Excuse me. (aside) There's no use with a man like that. He's made
of wood.
Paginet (aside)
I see her game. She wants to pay me with promises.
Targinette
Well, doctor, I congratulate you. You are a rare bird! If they
decorated faithful husbands, you would deserve the cross—not just the
title.
Paginet
Why, madame, you may not be far from the truth.
Targinette
You are going to be decorated as a model husband?
Paginet
No, madame, not as a model husband. I have other titles to my
credit. I don't speak of the numberless cures I've performed, but my
work, my famous work—The Destruction of the Microbe. You've doubtless
read it?
Targinette
I bought it.
Paginet
Ah, indeed, that's great! Well, read it. And you think there aren't
any, right?
Targinette
Ah, yes—
Paginet
When the Minister has placed me among the Elect, won't you believe
he's done an act of high justice?
Targinette
Meaning he's rectified an act of injustice?
Paginet
Yes.
Targinette (aside)
Ah, I see the hole in your amour. (aloud) Well, my dear doctor,
it's really rather strange, it's just what the Minister was saying
about you the other night, at the Opera.
Paginet
The Minister said that?
Targinette
Yes. It was precisely when we were speaking of your success with
women. And he said about you: “Doctor Paginet is not like most
lecherous old doctors as you seem to think. All his life, he's been
faithful to his wife.”
Paginet
The Minister said that?
Targinette
I was there. He added: “That man has only had two mistresses.”
Paginet
That's false.
Targinette
“His wife and science.”
Paginet
Ah, yes!
Targinette
“And what a lift he's given medicine.”
Paginet
The Minister said that?
Targinette
I was there. And many other things as well which I won't mention
because you might think I'm trying to flatter you. I'm prattling too
much and boring you.
Paginet
Why, not at all! Continue. And did he speak of my decoration?
Targinette
Ah, indeed! He said: “If that man doesn't deserve a medal, I ask
myself who does?”
Paginet
The Minister said that! Ah, my dear child. Will you allow me to
tell this to my wife?
Targinette
What do you think?
Paginet
I beg your pardon not keeping you longer, but joy—ah, how can I
ever thank you?
Targinette
Why, not at all, doctor. We are quits. Go, I don't want to retain
you. Go, goodbye, doctor.
Paginet
Goodbye, my child. (aside) She is charming.
Targinette (aside, going out by the back)
Done to a turn. For a minute I thought I might have to pay that
bill.
Paginet (calling)
Baby! Baby!
Mrs. Paginet and Plumarel (entering)
What's wrong?
Paginet
Ah, my friends. You were telling the truth! This time we're going
to have that little ribbon.
Mrs. Paginet
You're decorated?
Paginet
Almost. Do you know what the Minister said yesterday at the Opera?
“If Paginet doesn't deserve the cross, I don't know who does.”
Plumarel and Mrs. Paginet
Really?
Paginet
And, what pleases me most is that, if I get it, I owe it only to
myself. Before I might have said: “It's because of my wife, perhaps, or
Plumarel.” Well, no! I meet the test. I don't owe it to anyone.
Plumarel (between his teeth)
Oh, to no one!
Mrs. Paginet
But, who told you all this?
Paginet
Targinette, who just left a moment ago.
Mrs. Paginet
By the way, did she pay you your fee?
Paginet
Yes, she paid me. Oh, oh. Why, no, she didn't pay me.
Mrs. Paginet (suspicious)
Then, what were you talking about?
Paginet
I don't know. We didn't mention it. I don't know where my head was.
But, if she thinks that a conversation will serve—I am going to send
to her immediately. Do you have a telegram form?
Mrs. Paginet
Yes, over there.
Paginet (to Plumarel)
You will allow me?
Plumarel
Why, of course! As for me, I have nothing special to do. I am going
to go to the Minister to see if there's any news.
Paginet
Well, don't put yourself out for me. Go on, go on. Ah, she's not
going to put one over on me.
(Exit Paginet with Mrs. Paginet.)
Plumarel
Let's see. Where did I put my hat?
(Dardillon comes out of the laboratory.)
Earnest
No, guys. There's no more. That's all.
Plumarel
Dardillon, who were you talking to?
Earnest
To the rabbits. There are some rabbits in there—for the doctor's
experiments. I gave them some food—poor little creatures. Ah, it's
nice. I was hoping to find you.
Plumarel
And me, too.
Earnest
Didn't you make me mad enough at college? Why did it have to be me
that you beat up?
Plumarel
Everybody else was stronger than me! And, then again, I can tell
you now, you had a defeated look, and you were a tattle tale.
Earnest
I was no informer. I liked to gossip, that's all. But, tell me, it
seems you're very tight in this house?
Plumarel
Oh, like this!
Earnest
Yes! Yes! Still, it's natural enough—you get the husband
decorated, you cover the wife with flowers. You are the family's
providence.
Plumarel
What do you want? These folks are all very sympathetic to me.
Earnest
Yes, especially the young girl.
Plumarel
The young girl? Who told you that?
Earnest
A little bird.
Plumarel
Well, since you know, I won't hide from you that I count on
becoming the happy spouse of Miss Paginet.
Earnest
All my congratulations! And then, Miss Paginet loves you?
Plumarel
I don't know.
Earnest
Ah, good.
Plumarel
Why do you say “Ah, good”?
Earnest
Oh, I said “Ah, good” because there are some people who, before
popping the question, are interested in knowing if they are loved.
Plumarel
Ah, indeed! I don't belong to that school. The principle for me is
to be accepted.
Earnest
Then, you haven't declared yourself to Miss Paginet?
Plumarel
Never! That's my ace in the hole. Get it? What happens, nine times
out of ten—a young man gets an entre into a house, he notices a young
girl—shows he's impressed with her—and the family gets worried. He's
going to compromise the girl. And one fine day they make you
understand—in the politest way—that your attentions are misplaced and
that, henceforth, it would be better to space out your visits and to
remain at home.
Earnest
It's true.
Plumarel
Meanwhile, there's a young man who penetrates a family. The young
girl is pretty. He doesn't even look at her. But all his cares are for
the parents. All his attentions! Little by little, he becomes
indispensable. The father is vain? He flatters his vanity. The mother
is on the decline? He has for her all the attentions, all the
gallantry, one would have for a young girl. And then, through the
entire house, it's as if a breeze of sympathy were blowing only for
you. It's a current that touches everyone—father, mother, relatives,
and ends by carrying away that young girl herself that you had only
greeted politely in passing. There, old boy, is all my political savvy.
Earnest
Yes! Then, according to you, to pay court to a young girl—
Plumarel
Begin with the family! If she has a mother, pay court to the
mother.
Earnest
Right! But, you are going against the stream, you are!
Plumarel
Exactly! I am the opposite of running water which flows into
streams, which flows into rivers, to get to the sea. As for me, I throw
myself at the mother to get to—
Earnest
Good! But, Mrs. Paginet is an honest woman?
Plumarel
Heavens! I hope so, indeed. If not—but, an honest woman,
especially when she's no longer young is still sensible to court being
paid to her.
Earnest
You're very clever.
Plumarel
You see, old boy, I'm not stingy. I reveal my secrets to you. At
your service when you need them.
Earnest
I'll be sure to employ them.
(Paginet enters from the right with Mrs. Paginet.)
Paginet
What, Plumarel, you're still here? Well, and the Minister?
Plumarel
It's true! I was chatting with Dardillon, but I'm off.
Joseph (entering from the rear)
Mr. and Mrs. Livergin.
Paginet
Ah, it's the pharmacist. (to Plumarel) Go, my friend, go!
Plumarel
Right! Immediately.
(Plumarel bumps into Livergin as he is entering with Mrs. Livergin.)
Plumarel
Oh, pardon me.
Livergin (to Plumarel as his wife goes to shake hands with Mrs.
Paginet) I'm causing you to leave, sir?
Plumarel
Not at all! Not at all!
Paginet
Mr. Plumarel is going.
Livergin
Plumarel. (low to Paginet) He's the nephew of the Minister. Present
me.
Paginet
Well! Indeed, yes. Much later! He hasn't got the time. He's in a
hurry! (to Plumarel) Go, my friend, go!
Livergin
But, look—
Paginet (very rapidly)
Oh, okay, here! Mr. Plumarel, nephew of the Minister—Mr. Livergin,
pharmacist. (to Plumarel) Go, my friend, go.
Livergin
Delighted, sir.
Paginet
That's enough! You can say that another time. He's in a hurry; he's
in a hurry.
(Plumarel goes out at the back.)
Livergin (to his wife)
What a way of presenting people.
Paginet
Aside from that, are you well?
Livergin
Very well, thank you. (to Mrs. Paginet) Mrs. Paginet, you are well?
Mrs. Paginet
Why, very well!
Paginet (presenting Dardillon)
Mr. Dardillon, my new assistant.
Livergin
Delighted, sir. (aside) He presents me to his assistants because
they can't do me any good.
Paginet
This gentleman—you must have read about him in the newspapers.
Livergin
Very likely. I read all the papers.
Paginet
Well, this gentleman made the celebrated reply to Pasteur: “I won't
believe in microbes, even if I see them with my naked eye.”
Livergin
Oh, right, sir. I read it.
Earnest
Yes! (aside) Indeed. Simone's pretty clever.
Joseph (entering from the rear, terrified)
Sir, sir, all your rabbits are running about the apartment.
Paginet
My rabbits?
Earnest
My God! I forgot to shut the cage.
(Dardillon rushes into the laboratory.)
Joseph
They're in every room!
Mrs. Paginet
Why, they've got to be caught.
Paginet (pulling Livergin)
Yes! Come! Come with us!
Livergin
You bore me with your rabbits! Go catch them by yourself.
(Dardillon is seen crossing the stage in the rear. He is in hot pursuit of a rabbit.)
Earnest
There you are! I've got you.
Paginet
We've got you! We've got you.
(Paginet leaves by the rear, followed by Mrs. Paginet and Joseph.)
Livergin
If he isn't grotesque with his rabbit hunt in the living room.
Mrs. Livergin
The fact is, he has quite a way of receiving us!
Livergin
Evidently, for him, we are people of no importance, because he's a
doctor and doctors despise pharmacists.
Mrs. Livergin
And, in short, what are they coming to, doctors and pharmacists?
Livergin
Yes, I ask you. Well, no, that's a poser. The way they treat
people. We come to see them—and they are going on a rabbit hunt.
Mrs. Livergin
It's so impolite!
Livergin
And, it's nothing to what it will be once he gets his decoration.
You'll see then how nasty he gets.
Mrs. Livergin
You really think they'll decorate him?
Livergin
Hell! He's pestered everybody. He's such an intriguer! Ah, it's
heartbreaking. (changing tone) By the way, did you see the Minister
about my decoration? What did he tell you?
Mrs. Livergin
Well, with the letter of introduction your client obtained for you,
I was able to get in this morning. I told him you were the inventor of
Livergin's suppositories and we would be really happy to see you
decorated.
Livergin
Very good. What did he say?
Mrs. Livergin
He was really charming. He smiled at me and said: “Pretty lady, you
have nice legs.”
Livergin
He's very gallant. And then?
Mrs. Livergin
And then, an employee came in.
Livergin
How stupid!
Mrs. Livergin
But, as he left, he said: “If I judge the husband by the wife, he
must be very sympathetic. We are going to attend to your husband, but
you'll have to come back and see me again.”
Livergin
What a nice guy! I should think we're going to see him again. Ah,
Paginet, you are going to be jealous. If I get the cross, I will owe it
only to myself and my wife.
(Paginet returns from the rear with letters and papers in his hand.)
Paginet
Ah, the rabbits are back in their cages.
Mrs. Livergin
I hope your hunt is over.
Paginet
Ah, dear lady, I'm hot! By the way, my wife is waiting for you in
her room so you can sign your letter of subscription to her charity.
Mrs. Livergin
Oh, it's true. I'm on my way.
(Mrs. Livergin goes out to the left.)
Paginet
Ah! Now I'm all yours!
Livergin
Took long enough.
Paginet (aside)
Let's see my mail. (to Livergin) You'll excuse me. I am yours!
Livergin (aside)
That's the way! He's mine and he's reading his mail.
Paginet (thumbing through the mail)
Bah, just newspapers. (giving them to Livergin) If you'd like them,
I never read them.
Livergin
Thanks. If I want them, I'll buy them!
Paginet
Come on! Take them. Don't be proud with me!
Livergin
Okay. So as to rid you of them. (pockets them)
Paginet (aside)
Bore, get out. (aloud) And now, I'm at your disposal.
Livergin
What, no more mail? No more rabbits to chase?
Paginet
Why, you're not mad at me about that, I hope?
Livergin
What do you think? If you put yourself out on my account, it would
be strange indeed!
Paginet
That's true. And then, rabbits won't wait.
Livergin
Whereas friends, they'll wait. But, I've come to congratulate you
on your decoration. It seems the thing is practically done.
Paginet
Yes, that's what they tell me, you know. I can't be bothered with
it. If it comes, I'll look at it then.
Livergin (aside)
Not bothered about it. I'm the one who's going to get it.
Paginet
But, say—yourself, it seems you are entering into the competition?
Livergin
Me? What you mean is I've been put into it. I haven't taken a
single step to get it.
Paginet (aside)
Not a step! Maybe so, but his wife!
Livergin
You know me. I am not captivated by the baubles of celebrity.
Paginet
That's obvious. When you get them, you have to take them! But not
run after them.
Livergin
Oh, intrigue—
Paginet
What can I tell you? I find it heartbreaking.
Livergin
Heartbreaking!
Paginet
It is certain that if I am decorated, as for me, I have every
honor—
Livergin
Obviously! For these days, they give the decorations to people who
are really mediocre. There's no reason you shouldn't have one.
Paginet
But, you will have one, too.
Livergin
Yes, but as for me, you know, I have less chance—an obscure
pharmacist.
Paginet
Obscure! Why you're in the front ranks.
Livergin (dragging out the word)
Yes-es!
Paginet
And then, you're the inventor of Livergin's Suppositories.
Livergin
But, what's that beside you—one of our most famous doctors!
Paginet
Oh, you know, reputation is a question of luck.
Livergin
I agree with you.
Paginet
Ah! There, but of merit as well. I'm the one who proved there are
no microbes—I who invented magnetic manipulations.
Livergin
Yes, my God—those manipulations. In the old days, we used to call
that—massage.
Paginet
Excuse me! There's a great difference. The massage is the massage.
Livergin
Yes.
Paginet
There's brute force—while magnetic manipulation—well, it's fluid.
Livergin
And where'd you get the “fluid” from?
Paginet (tapping his head)
Where did I get it? Well, from here.
Livergin
From there?
Paginet
Yes, you understand. It's—it's nervous concentration—and
then—ah— and then, you worry me.
Livergin
Thanks. (aside) So that's his manipulation—a rip-off. (aloud) So,
they're going to decorate you for that? That's very fine.
Paginet
Why yes, it is very fine! I don't see why I shouldn't have a little
ribbon in my buttonhole—like others.
Livergin
What? You're going to wear it?
Paginet
Why not?
Livergin
I don't know. But it seems to me, if I was in your shoes, I
wouldn't wear it.
Paginet
What an idea! It seems to me that the cross—when one has honestly
earned it—after all, I didn't run after it—I didn't have to intrigue
to get it.
Livergin
Well—or me, either!
Paginet
I can say, with pride, that if I am decorated, I did nothing to get
it.
Livergin
Me, either.
Paginet
Well, then? (they hear the bell ringing) Two rings! It's Plumarel
returning from the Minister's. (calling) Baby, Simone, Dardillon, come.
(They all come running, including Mrs. Livergin.)
All
What's wrong?
Paginet
It's Plumarel, returning with my nomination.
Livergin (aside)
And he's going to make me believe he's not angling for it! (aloud)
So, it's Mr. Plumarel who's working on your decoration.
Paginet
What? What? On my decoration? He's concerned to know if I've gotten
it—like everyone else. What did you mean?
Livergin
Me? Nothing.
Paginet (seeing Plumarel enter from the rear)
Ah, there you are. Come. (seeing Plumarel's long face) What's the
matter?
Plumarel
What's the matter? Oh, you did a great thing?
Paginet
Huh? What? What's wrong?
Plumarel
What's wrong? It was a sure thing. Everything was arranged. You
were all set and that's the moment you chose to preside at a banquet of
reactionaries.
All
Huh?
Paginet
Me, preside, me? I presided? Where? When?
Plumarel
Yesterday at St. Faigeau.
Paginet
Why, you're mad! Me, preside? Why, not at all. Picardon called me
over and invited me to have some coffee.
Plumarel
Well, what do you want! You cannot have a spot of coffee with
Picardon when you're up for a decoration. You are going to get tarred
with the same brush.
Livergin (between his teeth)
Ah, ah, my good fellow.
Paginet
Well, what? Now what?
Plumarel
Now what? I've just seen the chief of the cabinet in my uncle's
absence. It seems he's furious. And, after what I've seen, I think your
nomination is going to be deep-sixed.
Paginet
Deep-sixed!
(Paginet falls onto the sofa. The ladies hover over him.)
Livergin
Caught!
Paginet
Ah, what a blow—not decorated! Not decorated—me!
Livergin
Well, I thought it was all the same to you if you weren't.
Paginet
It is all the same to me. Only, it's not all the same not to be
decorated.
Livergin (shaking his hand)
My poor friend! This hurts me, too.
Paginet (low to Simone)
Oh, poor Mrs. Paginet.
Simone
Leave off—this is going to reveal your feeling.
Paginet
Ah, why no, it's impossible—perhaps there's still time. I am going
to write to the Minister. Well, understand, Plumarel, my little
Plumarel, you can tell him.
Livergin (aside)
Is he bowled over! Is he bowled over!
Paginet
If necessary, I will disavow Picardon. Ah, cursed Picardon. Go.
Joseph (running in, a paper in hand)
Sir! Sir!
Paginet
What's wrong?
Joseph
I just saw the concierge. In a paper he read it said you'd been
nominated to the Legion of Honor.
All
Huh?
Paginet
Me? What are you saying?
Livergin
Knighted? You?
Joseph
Yes, sir. Wait, here's the paper.
Livergin
And me—and me? Am I there?
Paginet
Will you leave me alone? Where? Where?
Joseph
Right here. (reading) “Tomorrow appearing in the Register the
following nominations—Knights of the Legion of Honor.”
Paginet
Ah, good—let's see.
(Paginet and Livergin read the paper together.)
Paginet
Here! Paginet! Paginet! Paginet!
Livergin
Uh, Livergin! Livergin! Livergin!
Paginet
There, there it is!
Livergin
Me?
Paginet
No, not you! “Paginet, Etienne, Doctor.” That's me!
All
Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.
Livergin (aside)
Look who they decorate now. And me, I'm cheated of my expectations.
Paginet
Ah, so. What were you saying, Plumarel?
Plumarel
Come on! It's impossible! It's a mistake. I'm sure it's not in the
evening papers.
Paginet
Ah, my God, you think so? (to Livergin) Livergin, give me back my
papers.
Livergin (pulling them from his pocket)
There they are! It wasn't worth the trouble of giving them to me.
Paginet (handing out the papers)
Here! Look! Look!
All (each taking a paper and opening it fully)
Let's see! Let's see!
Livergin (watching them)
They're completely concerned about him. (to Mrs. Livergin) Here,
let's see if I'm in there.
(Mrs. Livergin and Livergin take papers. There is a complete line of deployed newspapers across the stage.)
Mrs. Paginet
Here! Paginet, Etienne, Doctor—there it is!
Paginet
Here, too. Paginet! There it is!
Simone
There it is!
Earnest
There it is!
Joseph
There it is!
Plumarel
There it is!
Livergin and Mrs. Livergin
It's not here!
Paginet
Yes, there, you see. Paginet, Etienne, Doctor.
Livergin
You've got luck. I congratulate you.
Paginet
You're not there?
Livergin
As you can clearly see.
Paginet
Anyway, I am. That's the main thing.
Livergin
What do you mean?
Paginet (ravished)
Ah, my friends! (a ringing is heard) (to Joseph) Joseph, heavens,
someone's ringing. Go! (to Plumarel) Ah, my dear Plumarel—what
recognition. But, you know I'm not an ingrate! Generous! Generous,
aren't I, Simone?
(Exit Joseph.)
Simone
Indeed yes, uncle.
Earnest (low)
What—you say yes? Ah, I am in very low water.
Simone (low)
Don't make a fuss!
Paginet (taking the paper and reading it)
How nice it is, all the same. “Paginet, Etienne, Doctor.” Still,
it's funny, there's a whole bunch of names—well! Your own is the only
one you see.
Livergin
He can't get enough of it.
Paginet
But, say, there's something for you, Livergin.
Livergin
For me?
Mrs. Livergin
For him?
Paginet
Yes.
Paginet (reading)
Tomorrow we will publish those nominations that have not yet been
signed.
Livergin
Well! what do you see in that?
Paginet
Well! Perhaps, yours hasn't been signed yet.
Livergin
Why, that's right! Ah, my God, if you're right!
Paginet (to Joseph who enters)
Well, who's there?
Joseph (with a bouquet of flowers)
Sir, it's a deputation of ladies who bring a bouquet to the new
Knight of the Legion of Honor.
Paginet
Is it possible? Ah, Joseph, tell them their new Knight couldn't
possibly be more touched by their enthusiasm and that he thanks them
for this display of feelings. Go. (Joseph exits) Ah, my friends, you've
seen it. Have you understood? The proletarian women, who don't even
know me, bring me their bouquet from admiration. Is that flattering or
what?
All
Yes.
Livergin
He's really letting himself go.
Paginet (to Joseph who enters)
Well? You told them how grateful I was?
Joseph
They said they were grateful, too, but generally they receive
twenty francs.
Paginet
Give them forty! But, none of this should make me forget gratitude.
I am going where duty calls.
Mrs. Paginet
Where are you going?
Paginet
To the Ministry. I am going to thank this honest Minister.
Mrs. Paginet
But you don't know him!
Paginet
What difference does it make? He knows who I am. I don't want him
to say, tonight as he goes to bed, “Paginet is an ingrate.”
(A fanfare is heard from the wings.)
All
What's that?
Joseph (running)
It's the band from Fontainbleu.
Paginet
Why, let them come in!
Joseph (announcing)
Gentlemen of the Band.
(The Band enters, playing a march at double time. They march around the stage and form up at the back.)
Paginet (once the music has stopped)
Dear compatriots, great news is like lightning, it spreads with the
rapidity of the tide.
Livergin (aside)
I don't see any tide.
Paginet
Just as we were crossing through Paris, my band and me—whose chief
I am—we learned that the Minister had just awarded you the Cross of
the Legion of Honor—to you, a son of Fontainbleu. Let me tell you: It
was well done.
All
Very well done! Very well done!
Paginet
When Napoleon instituted this great institution, he thought that it
would be reserved for people who deserved it. Well—let me tell you,
it's our opinion, that of my band and myself—of which I am the chief
—that it couldn't be better placed than on your breast. I say it to
whoever will listen! If there was only one Cross, it ought to be
awarded to Doctor Paginet.
All
Bravo! Bravo!
Paginet (very moved)
Thanks, my friends, thanks. This is one of those spontaneous
ovations which fill the heart with comfort—and I will never forget it.
Here— here's five hundred francs to drink my health.
The Whole Band
Long live Doctor Paginet!
Livergin (aside)
Five hundred francs. And if you asked him for forty sous, he'd send
you packing.
Paginet
And now, my friends, the Minister is waiting for me. Come! (to Mrs.
Paginet) See you later, baby. Wait. Stay on the balcony to see us pass.
Joseph (entering)
A letter for madame.
Mrs. Paginet
Thanks, very much!
Paginet (to the band)
Let's go, my friends. En route!
(Paginet places himself at the head of the band as they leave by the back. Livergin, Mrs. Livergin, Dardillon, and Simone go to the balcony. The band strikes up in the wings.)
Livergin
Is he grotesque enough?
Mrs. Paginet (to Plumarel)
Ah, how nice to see him happy like that. (opening the letter) Who
can be writing to me? Why, it's from your uncle.
Plumarel
Ah, it's to inform you of the nomination.
Mrs. Paginet
Why is he writing to me? (reading) “Madame, I would have been happy
to decorate your husband.” Huh? “The unexplainable thoughtlessness of
presiding over a banquet of reactionaries at Lake St. Faigeau makes
that impossible for me to do at this time.” What?
Plumarel
What does he say?
Mrs. Paginet (reading)
“But, happily I've found an alternative. You, madame, have taken
the initiative in an admirable endeavor. Your charitable work is well
known and greatly respected—so we feel we express the sentiments of
all in naming Mrs. Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor.” Knight—
me! And not him! Ah!
(Mrs. Paginet collapses on the sofa.)
Plumarel
Look, calm down.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my God. But, if he learns this suddenly he's going to have a
stroke!
Plumarel
Well, you will tell him, you will prepare him.
Mrs. Paginet
But, he's going to the Minister. He'll learn everything. Quick,
Plumarel! Run, grab him. Prevent him from seeing the Minister.
Plumarel (going out at the back)
I'm on my way.
(Simone and the others appear on the balcony, waving their handkerchiefs.)
Simone
Look—there they go.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my God! The poor man! (running to the balcony and calling)
Paginet! Paginet!
Voices (in the wings)
Long live Doctor Paginet!
Mrs. Paginet (as the band plays on and the celebration increases)
Ah, God, be merciful.
CURTAIN
Scene: same as Act I.
AT RISE, Simone is playing the piano. Joseph enters and places some letters on Paginet's desk without saying anything. Then he begins to straighten up things.
Joseph (to Simone)
Miss, can I toss out these flowers? They are wilted.
Simone (as she plays)
Yes, toss them out.
Joseph
Fine, Miss. I've put the letters on the desk.
Simone
Fine. Where is my aunt?
Joseph
In her room. I don't know what's wrong with her. She seems nervous.
She comes, she goes.
Simone
It's the joy of seeing my uncle decorated. And Mr. Dardillon?
Joseph
He's in the laboratory, Miss. He's working.
Simone
Right.
(Joseph goes out with the flowers.)
Simone
Let's see. Isn't there an encore in this section? Ah, there it is.
It's pretty. (singing)
All is hushed. Veiled in languor
Your eyes breathe in the obscure shadow
And hear in nature
Only the beatings of your heart.
(Alternatively, Simone could sing, hum or play some bars from Silent Night; the effect would be the same.)
(An explosion in the laboratory.)
Simone (rising, terrified)
Ah, my God! What's that?
Earnest (appearing in the doorway of the laboratory)
Oh—oh—oh!
Simone
You! What happened? You're not hurt?
Earnest
Yes, no. I dunno.
(Dardillon falls into Simone's arms.)
Simone
Ah, my God! He's hurt. (puts him on the sofa) Earnest! Earnest!
Come to yourself.
Earnest
Ah, my God! Am I alive! Am I still alive?
Simone
Yes! It's nothing. You'll live.
Earnest
Ah, water, water—
Simone (looking around like a madwoman)
Water—but, I don't have any.
Earnest (finding the empty vase in which the flowers were
standing)
Ah, that's a help. It's good to drink.
Simone
Ah, my God. Why, that's the flower water.
Earnest
Ah, yuck!
Simone
But, what happened to you?
Earnest
It was an experiment! It was the clock, the pneumatic clock which
exploded.
Simone
The clock?
Earnest
Oh, the wretched machine. When I think that I could have been
killed. It was almost the end of me.
Simone
Happily nothing was broken.
Earnest (aside)
Nothing broken—you should see the laboratory. (aloud) Oh, but you
know, I've had enough of it! I'm resigning as assistant. I abandon the
role.
Simone
What! You won't hang on for me? Why, you have to accept the bad as
well as the good.
Earnest
What's the difference? Am I not in low water? Now that Plumarel is
accepted and you've said yes.
Simone
I said it only for strategic reasons.
Earnest
Nice thing, your strategy! Plumarel's a strategist, too. To arrive
at the shore, he throws himself into the sea.
Simone
What sea?
Earnest
Your aunt! Eh! Get out with these flowers! Go on! And then, one
fine morning, it's as if a breeze of sympathy blows for him. The
current carries everything with it, and all he has to do is pluck the
young girl. That's all there is to it, there's no denying it.
Simone
What's all this about plucking?
Earnest
No—plucking. These are his secrets. I admit his secrets to you.
Simone
Well, do as he does. Use the same methods.
Earnest
I've really thought of doing just that, but that would be
dishonest.
Plumarel (entering rapidly at the back)
Here I am!
Earnest (aside)
Here! Him again!
Plumarel
Hello, Miss Simone. Hello, Dardillon. Mrs. Paginet isn't around?
Simone
She's in her room.
Mrs. Paginet (coming in from the left)
Ah, there you are!
Plumarel
Just as I was asking for you.
Mrs. Paginet (to Simone and Dardillon)
Leave us, we have to talk.
Earnest
Come, let's go. (low to Simone) You see, there's no use struggling.
(Simone and Dardillon go out to the left.)
Mrs. Paginet
Well, you saw the Minister?
Plumarel
Yes.
Mrs. Paginet
And my husband?
Plumarel
Paginet didn't see him. While he was marching at the head of his
band, I took a carriage and got there before he did.
Mrs. Paginet
But, perhaps they received him after your departure?
Plumarel
No. On my recommendation, they won't receive him. Meanwhile, I
explained the whole affair at St. Faigeau to my uncle. He understood,
and it's all straightened out.
Mrs. Paginet
Yes?
Plumarel
The first Cross will be for your husband.
Mrs. Paginet
Why, then, there's nothing to do? We are where we were before.
Paginet will have a hundred opportunities to learn the truth and he's
capable of having a stroke.
Plumarel
Then, he mustn't know.
Mrs. Paginet
But, how? How?
Plumarel
Look. Don't you have to leave for the country soon?
Mrs. Paginet
Yes, in two days.
Plumarel
Well, once you get him there, he won't find out anything. Until
then, let's break off all communication with the outside. Keep out the
papers, intercept the letters.
Mrs. Paginet
Yes. We must warn the concierge.
Plumarel (kissing her hand)
I'll take care of it.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my friend, you are our saviour. (noises and voices at the back)
What's that?
Joseph (entering from the rear)
Here, sir.
(Simone and Dardillon enter from the left.)
Simone
My uncle is here.
Mrs. Paginet (going to the back)
Ah, my God—him!
Plumarel (low to Dardillon as he passes by him while following
Mrs.
Paginet) Well, Dardillon, everything okay?
Dardillon (desperately)
Everything's okay.
Plumarel
Hey, finally, Mr. Paginet.
(Paginet enters from the rear with an enormous ribbon in his buttonhole.)
Paginet
Whee! Ah, my friends, I'm worn out. Joseph, my velour vest.
Joseph
Right, sir!
(Joseph exits.)
Paginet
Well! I'm back from the Ministry. They make you wait a while there.
Mrs. Paginet
You were received?
Paginet
Admirably. By the usher who told me the Minister hadn't arrived
yet. Then, I gave my name, right. Paginet, Knight of the Legion of
Honor. I sat down. I waited an hour. At the end of that time, I said to
the usher: “See if the Minister has come.” He answered me: “The
Minister, indeed, he's been gone a long while.” That's how service is
performed in the administration.
Simone
What? You didn't see the Minister?
Paginet
No! But, I left him a word on my card. “My dear Minister. Desolate
at failing to see you. Thanks very much for the trifle.” I put “the
trifle” because the usher was there. He had no need to know.
Plumarel
Well done!
Paginet
Wasn't it? It's not dull. It's correct and not dull.
Plumarel
Everything in one small note.
Paginet
Here! Look, see it, your new promotion.
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
The poor man.
Paginet (showing his decoration)
Huh! That's good enough. It's stupid, gang, but in the street, I
stopped in front of all the windows.
All
Ah!
Paginet
Yes! For everybody, I pretended to see if I didn't have some dark
mark on my face. But this was what I was looking at.
Plumarel (aside)
And you think it wouldn't be criminal to disabuse him?
Joseph (returning with the vest)
Here's your vest, sir.
Paginet
Thanks. (takes off his coat and puts on the vest) Oh, wait. (takes
the ribbon from the coat and puts it on his vest) There, see!
(Joseph goes out with the coat. Paginet paces before the mirror, humming a happy tune.)
Paginet
Ah, it does me good to see myself like this! It makes me wonder how
I've been able to get along until now. (going to Plumarel) And say, my
good Plumarel, it's you who—
Plumarel
Oh!
Paginet
Oh, but, I am not an ingrate and I haven't forgotten the promise I
made you.
Plumarel
The promise?
Paginet
You know, Simone, what we were speaking of this morning?
Simone
Yes, uncle!
Paginet
Are you still agreeable?
Simone
Heavens, yes!
Paginet (to Plumarel)
You hear? It's her heart talking! (to Mrs. Paginet) You hear this
cry, from the soul, darling? The two kids love each other. Well, if you
want to, we can make their happiness.
Earnest and Mrs. Paginet
Their happiness?
Paginet
Yes, you have only to consent as I do to granting the hand of your
niece to the best of friends—to this brave Plumarel.
Mrs. Paginet
Do I consent? Why, with joy.
Earnest (collapsing in an armchair)
Ah!
Mrs. Paginet (to Plumarel)
My dear child.
Plumarel
Madame!
Paginet
My nephew! Come to my arms. (they hug) And now, kiss your fiancée.
Plumarel (to Simone)
Ah, Miss! I am so happy.
Paginet
Why, we are all happy! Simone, me, my wife, Dardillon! Right,
Dardillon?
Earnest (stammering)
Why—y—yes—yes!
Paginet
There! You see his joy—and now (to Plumarel) Go fetch your
engagement bouquet.
Plumarel
I'm off.
Mrs. Paginet (to Plumarel)
Au revoir, nephew.
Earnest (low to Simone)
Ah, Miss—it's shameful—when you promised me—
Simone
Why, leave it alone. Saying fiancée doesn't mean married.
Earnest
Ah!
Paginet (coming forward with Mrs. Paginet)
Ah, I'm satisfied with myself. You really feel light-hearted when
you pay a debt of gratitude.
Earnest (between his teeth)
Oh, yes—for what that costs him!
Joseph (entering at the back)
Sir, here's a box of cards from the printer.
Mrs. Paginet
Cards?
Paginet
Ah, yes, I know. Those are cards I had made with “Knight of the
Legion of Honor” on them.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my God. What for?
Paginet
Why, to send to all our acquaintances. Not everyone reads the
papers.
Mrs. Paginet
Huh?
Paginet
Here, Dardillon, you are going to go over there and you'll send
them to all the names in our address book.
Mrs. Paginet
Indeed, no. Look—you mustn't do that.
Paginet
Why, absolutely! It's always done. When someone is decorated you
know quite well they send cards.
Mrs. Paginet
Yes—in person.
Paginet
Bah, those are nuances. Here, Simone, go with him. You will help
him.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, indeed. I'm going, too. (aside) Ah, I'll answer that those
cards don't leave.
(Mrs. Paginet goes out to the right with Dardillon and Simone.)
Paginet
That's it. Go on. (running to the door) And write on them “With all
his compliments.”
(Joseph appears at the back just as Paginet seems on the verge of going out to the right.)
Joseph
Sir!
Paginet
What?
Joseph
A gentleman who insists on speaking to the new Knight of the Legion
of Honor.
Paginet
Yes, well, have him in. I'll be with him right away. (as he goes
out the door at the right) Be sure to say “With all his compliments.”
Joseph (speaking at the back)
You can come in, sir.
(Rosanville enters from the rear. He is elegantly dressed and has a red ribbon in his buttonhole. He is very near-sighted and is bowing in every direction.)
Rosanville
Madame! Madame!
Joseph
Why, madame is not here, sir.
Rosanville
It seems that way to me, too. I don't seem to see her.
(Rosanville bumps into a footstool and almost falls.)
Joseph
Oh, careful!
Rosanville
Thanks. Next time, warn me. I tell you, I am very near-sighted and
I am not wearing glasses.
Joseph
Why?
Rosanville
Because I dedicate this evening to elegance. Our job has demands.
We fashion reporters are for purity of style.
Joseph
Ah, you're a reporter, sir?
Rosanville
For “The Great Life” and I want to see the new Legionnaire that
I've been ordered to interview.
Joseph
What's that?
Rosanville
In other words, to question her, to paint her portrait. You
understand?
Joseph
Exactly. You paint, sir.
Rosanville
No. I write! Look, this is doubtless the study.
Joseph
Yes, sir.
Rosanville
Is it nice?
Joseph
The devil! You see it. (aside) Ah, it's true, he is myopic.
Rosanville
I am going to draw a sketch of it.
(Rosanville pulls a notebook from his pocket.)
Joseph (aside)
Ah, he's a spy. (aloud) What are you doing that for, sir?
Rosanville
Why, to put in my paper. That sort of thing interests the public.
Joseph
Oh, to put in the paper. That's different. Go ahead, sir.
Rosanville
Let's see. (writing in his notebook) A large window—giving on the
Louvois Square.
Joseph
Yes, sir. Observe the Spanish window fastenings. It doesn't work,
but I'm told the repairman is to fix it.
Rosanville
Thanks, my friend. (writing) Antique tapestries. The style is—(to
Joseph) Louis XIV or Louis XV?
Joseph
Oh, put in both.
Rosanville
Let's see. The art objects. Not many pictures here. Ah, what's
that?
Joseph
Ah, wait, sir. It's a Holbein—no—a Holstein.
Rosanville
A Holstein.
Joseph
An original, I think—and I know the lady in the picture.
Rosanville
Great—original Holstein.
Joseph
Yes.
Rosanville (aside)
Maybe I can profit a little while I'm waiting for Mrs. Paginet by
asking this servant a few questions about her. (aloud) Look, my friend,
you can help me out a bit. You must be aware that you're in the service
of a personality much in view. Well, could you give me a few details
about her? What type of person is she?
Joseph
What type of person? Ah, sir, I have only praise. What you call
good- natured—a bit manic. The whole world has its eccentricities, but
you know, a good fellow.
Rosanville
Not very feminine then?
Joseph
I should say so! (Paginet's voice is heard) Wait, you're going to
judge for yourself. I hear him.
Rosanville (aside)
Ah, it's Mrs. Paginet.
(Joseph goes out by the back. Paginet enters from the left and notices Rosanville.)
Paginet
Ah, sir.
Rosanville (astonished)
Huh? What's this?
Paginet
It seems, sir, you wish to see me?
Rosanville
To see you? Yes, no. I asked to speak with the new Knight of the
Legion of Honor.
Paginet
Well! That's me, sir.
Rosanville
You?
Paginet
Precisely. (showing his decoration) Here, take a better look.
Rosanville
It's true! (aside) What, this is Mrs. Paginet? (aloud) I beg your
pardon, but I expected so little to see you in this—getup.
Paginet
Yes, I beg you to excuse me. I only dress like this at home.
Rosanville
Ah, sure, sure. It's more relaxed, I suppose. Only, you understand,
I thought I'd find you—dressed.
Paginet
Oh, I never am—except when I have to be in public.
Rosanville
Oh, why, very interesting to note that. (to Paginet) Excuse me a
moment. (writing) “Paginet is in the habit of dressing like a man.”
Paginet
Excuse me, sir, but to whom do I have the honor of—
Rosanville
Ah, that's fair. (presenting himself) Rosanville, reporter for “The
Great Life” and desirous of interviewing you.
Paginet (aside)
An interviewer. (aloud) Ah, sir, why, sit down. No—in the
armchair. You'll be more comfortable.
Rosanville
Thanks. Will you allow me to take a few notes. You know our readers
are very greedy to have portraits of celebrities.
Paginet (aside)
Celebrities! (aloud) Why, that's very natural. Here, like this. Can
you see me well?
Rosanville
Wait! Will you allow me?
(Rosanville comes very close and stares the way myopic people do.)
Paginet
What's wrong?
Rosanville
I beg your pardon. I'm a bit myopic. (writing) Paginet is a tall
person, with a face that is both male and energetic. The hair is gray
and cut short. Only the yes and mouth betray Paginet's sex.
Paginet (not moving)
How is it going?
Rosanville
Oh, why, you can move about.
Paginet
Ah, good.
Rosanville
And you're married?
Paginet
Right.
Rosanville
No children?
Paginet
Alas, no.
Rosanville
Then, I can't put that you've known the joys of childbirth?
Paginet
That would be difficult for me.
Rosanville
Now, if you like, we'll speak a little of your work.
Paginet
With great pleasure.
Rosanville
You can say it's a great help to suffering humanity. What gave you
the idea for the project?
Paginet
Ah, my dear sir. It's when I saw the credulous acceptance given to
the myth known as the microbe.
Rosanville
Yie, yie! How do you say that?
Paginet
I said the credulous acceptance given to the myth known as the
microbe.
Rosanville
Wait. Hold on. Yes. (writing) Credulous—(to Paginet) Credulous
with a K or a C?
Paginet
C, of course.
Rosanville
Of course. Just as I thought. I'm not the best speller. It doesn't
matter. We've got an editor at the paper who is.
Paginet (aside)
Well, he doesn't have a sinecure, clearly.
Rosanville (writing)
Called a microbe.
Paginet
So, you see, I wanted to prove that the microbe does not exist.
Hence, my research.
Rosanville
Yes. I don't get the connection.
Paginet
What do you mean, you don't get the connection? I took children
with measles.
Rosanville
Ah, you only take children with measles.
Paginet
Why, no! I said measles, but it could be scarlet fever—practically
anything.
Rosanville
Yes, so long as they have something.
Paginet
Ah, of course.
Rosanville
In that case, it's more like a hospital.
Paginet
What?
Rosanville
Your work.
Paginet
My work? You don't seem to grasp things easily.
Rosanville
Yes! Yes!
Paginet
I told you: I take children with measles.
Rosanville
Yes, yes. Allow me to write. (writing) They only take children with
measles.
Paginet
I also take children who are healthy.
Rosanville
Ah, indeed. Why you should say so!
Paginet
Why, damn. It's easy to grasp. Once I have them, I inoculate them
with a measles microbe.
Rosanville
Ah, why do that?
Paginet
As an experiment.
Rosanville
Oh, why that's cruel.
Paginet
No, since it's in the general interest. Well, most of the time, the
microbe does nothing.
Rosanville
Yes, yes, I see. In short, your work is a subject of experiment.
Paginet
It would be better to say it's the outcome of experiment.
Rosanville
Yes, yes. (aside) I don't understand a bit of what she's telling
me. This is an article that won't be easy to write.
Paginet
Well, dear sir, that's what I wanted to test. That's my work.
Rosanville
Yes, yes, and it works?
Paginet
Does it work? We are up to three thousand.
Rosanville (aside)
Oh, oh. (writing) The work actually involves three thousand natural
children. (to Paginet) Well, I thank you for all these little details.
I've got enough to write my article. All that remains for me to do is
to congratulate you one more time for the distinction whose object
you've become.
Paginet (accompanying him to the door)
Goodbye, sir.
Mrs. Paginet (entering from the left)
Oh, not alone.
Rosanville
You have company.
Paginet
Oh, it's nothing. (to Mrs. Paginet) Right away, honey.
Rosanville (aside)
Ah, it's her honey.
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
Who is that gentleman?
Paginet
I'm going to accompany you.
Rosanville
Don't trouble yourself. (aside) Now, that's a charming woman. (to
Paginet) Goodbye, madame.
Paginet (in a low voice to his wife)
Baby, he said good-bye to you.
Mrs. Paginet
To me? Oh, excuse me. Goodbye, sir.
(Rosanville leaves by the rear.)
Mrs. Paginet
Who is that man?
Paginet
An interviewer, darling. He just interviewed me.
Mrs. Paginet
Huh? You?
Paginet
Yes. He wanted a little biography of me for the paper.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, good. (aside) I was afraid of this.
Joseph (coming in from the rear)
A message for you, sir.
Mrs. Paginet
A message. Oh, my God.
Paginet
Ah, now the congratulations begin. (to Joseph) Have any other
letters come for me?
Joseph
They're on the table.
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
Oh, clumsy fool!
Paginet
Ah, thanks. (goes to desk) First, let's see about this message.
Mrs. Paginet (excitedly)
Wait! Don't tire your eyes. I'll read it to you.
Paginet
Why, not at all. (reading) Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor.
(aloud) Ah, it's from Duboucherd. (reading) “Congratulations. Well
deserved.” (aside) Yes, it's true. (reading) Congratulations to your
husband. (aloud) What's this?
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
Aie! (aloud) Probably a typo. You know secretaries these days.
Paginet
It's true. What's this one? (reading) Dear madame, In the name of
the Paris Women's Union I congratulate you on the great honor. (aloud)
What's this mean?
Mrs. Paginet
Why, I don't know, my friend.
Paginet
Ah, this is too much. The President of the Republic: Madame is
nominated—(uttering a cry of disbelief) You are—
(Paginet collapses onto the couch.)
Mrs. Paginet
Courage, my dear.
Paginet (whose face is red)
Ah, no, no. It's too much—too much.
Mrs. Paginet
What?
Paginet
Decorated! You are decorated.
Mrs. Paginet
Huh? Me—yes.
Paginet
Don't you see? It's too much joy at once. Me in the morning. You in
the evening. Husband and wife, decorated in the same paper. It's too
much.
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
What? He thinks—
Paginet (kissing her)
Ah, baby, how happy I am. (calling) Simone! Dardillon!
(Simone and Dardillon enter.)
Simone and Earnest
What's wrong?
Paginet
Ah, Simone. Kiss your aunt. She's decorated.
Simone
Auntie, too?
Paginet
Yes, both of us. Double hit.
Simone (hugging Mrs. Paginet)
Oh, auntie!
Earnest
Madame!
Paginet
Oh, baby. It seems to me you're bigger than you were before. It
puts you on the same level with me. You are still very equal. We can
march on together, proud and worthy of each other.
Mrs. Paginet (weeping in his arms)
Ah, my friend, my friend.
Paginet (very moved, drying his eyes)
Weep, baby. Tears of joy. It does you good.
Simone (moved to Dardillon)
My uncle is eloquent.
Earnest
A Demosthenes!
Paginet
Come on. Look, let's be a man. (to Dardillon) Dardillon, are you
preparing those cards?
Earnest
Yes, sir.
Paginet
Well, beneath my name, put Paginet, Knight of the Legion on Honor.
And madame, also.
Earnest
Right, sir.
(Dardillon goes out.)
Paginet
As for you, baby, since all these letters of congratulations are
for you, here. Reply to them right away. It's good not to delay thanks.
Mrs. Paginet
Yes, I'm going. Ah, my God.
(Mrs. Paginet goes out left.)
Paginet
Ah! It's good to have a Minister who knows how to reward merit.
Simone
Oh, you mustn't be ungrateful, Uncle. Mr. Plumarel did a lot.
Paginet
Plumarel! Evidently, he did a lot. I'm not forgetting him.
Simone
Heavens! If he hadn't spoken to his uncle, I don't know if you
would have been decorated.
Paginet
Ah! You don't know! You don't know! That's saying a lot. If I
wasn't this time, why then, I would be next time.
Simone
You can be sure of it, uncle, when you've got in your pocket the
Minister's nephew—as devoted as he's been.
Paginet
That's true. He has been devoted, very devoted. I can't say too
much about him.
Simone
Isn't that so? He didn't spare his feet or his overtures.
Paginet
Oh, come on, no. Now, between you and me, he didn't have much to
do. A word from time to time to his uncle. In the end, you know, these
are services performed all the time.
Simone
Oh, oh, uncle!
Paginet
That's not to diminish them, because, God knows, these things are
not measured by the pound. It's the intention, above all, and if he
hadn't succeeded I wouldn't be angry with him now, either.
Simone
Right, uncle.
Paginet
And besides, I think I'm showing him my thanks by giving you to
him.
Simone
Oh, that's very proper. And all honest men will approve of what you
are doing.
Paginet
You think so?
Simone
Do I think so! Why, everyone will say (declaiming) There goes
Plumarel, he married the niece of Doctor Paginet.
Paginet
Yes.
Simone (still declaiming)
And you know why the doctor let his nice marry him?
Paginet
Why?
Simone (declaiming)
Because he wants to keep in with the man who got him decorated.
Paginet
Huh.
Simone
That's what everyone will say.
Paginet
What do you mean—They'll say?
Simone
Right.
Paginet
Ah, yes, excuse me. That changes matters. I don't want people to
say that.
Simone
Why?
Paginet
Hell! That's like saying it's all Plumarel's doing. And you
understand how boring it is for me to seem to be Plumarel's creature.
Simone
Creature! Oh!
Paginet
Indeed! That's vexatious to me.
Simone
In what way?
Paginet
Why, in every way. I seem to be—ah, no. (changing tone) Just
between us, do you really want to marry that man?
Simone
Oh, uncle.
Paginet
To marry him? Marry him immediately, you understand? I have no
intention of announcing this marriage—at least until much latter, that
wouldn't be proper. But still, he hasn't yet done anything for me. I
cannot say otherwise.
Simone
Ah, you agree.
Paginet
Truly, perhaps, you could wait. We could put it off for a while.
Simone
Yes, for several weeks—a month, later for example.
Paginet
Yes, or next year—or the year after that.
Simone
Why, it's true.
Paginet
First of all—what do you want me to tell you? I find this more
dignified on my part. Here's a lad who rendered me a big enough
service, and no sooner has he rendered it than I immediately acquitted
myself towards him. That is to say, almost ungratefully. I seem unable
to bear the weight of my gratitude.
Simone
Why, yes, and as for me, stunned by all that was going on, without
reflection, compromise you by marrying him, and cause you to be taxed
with ingratitude.
Paginet
Oh, why, I wouldn't want you to do that!
Simone
Oh, I no longer want to hear this marriage spoken of for a long
while.
Paginet
Oh, how sweet you are. Here, thanks. (they hug)
Joseph (entering from the back)
Mr. Plumarel.
Simone
Oh, him. I'm going to leave you.
Paginet
Yes, that's the thing to do. I'll take care of everything.
Simone (going to the left)
Let's go. We'll put him on a Greek Calendar.
Plumarel (bouquet in hand)
Ah, here I am, you see. I brought my bouquet. Where's my fiancée?
Paginet
Your fiancée? Well! You know, my friend, I've been thinking things
over a lot. Decidedly, I think Simone is really young.
Plumarel
Really young?
Paginet
Yes. We cannot let you marry right away.
Plumarel
But, why?
Paginet
I told you. Because I think she's too young.
Plumarel
But, you didn't find her too young just now.
Paginet
I didn't—I didn't—because I hadn't noticed.
Plumarel
Why, then, when?
Paginet
Much later. When she grows up. Anyway, how old are you?
Plumarel
Why, sir, I'm twenty-eight.
Paginet
Well—you can wait till you're thirty and she's twenty. There
should always be ten years difference in ages between spouses.
Plumarel
Well, sir, from eighteen to twenty-eight—
Paginet (shocked)
Huh? Ah, yes. Why, that's not the same thing at all. They aren't
the same ten years.
Plumarel
That's fine, sir. I see that it's a trick to get out of it.
Paginet
Why, not at all.
Plumarel
I will confess to you that I didn't expect it. I thought that,
after all my efforts to get you decorated—
Paginet (showing his hand)
Ah, there it is. I was expecting it. Go ahead, say it. It was you,
wasn't it? It was you who got me decorated—you alone!
Plumarel
Indeed, sir.
Paginet
That word was weighing on your tongue a long while, and it
escaped—it escaped!
Plumarel
Indeed, I assure you—
Paginet
Yes, yes, it's understood. It's you who've done it all. It was you!
I worked all my life. I deserved all my titles, but it's you. For ten
years, the Ministers were considering me.
Plumarel
You are taking my words in the wrong sense.
Paginet
Come off it! Anyway, it suffices to look at you to see your little
airs of patronage.
Plumarel
Me?
Paginet
Yes. You walk around saying—Do you know why Paginet gave me his
niece? It's because I got him decorated.
Plumarel
Me? I said that?
Paginet
You say it with your looks, that suffices. Well, no, sir. Mr.
Paginet will not give you his niece because you got him decorated. He
won't give her to you.
Plumarel
Ah!
Paginet (with conviction)
Ah, I didn't know I was dealing with an ingrate.
Mrs. Paginet (coming in from the left)
What's the matter?
Plumarel
Your husband now refuses me his niece.
Mrs. Paginet
What? That's not possible. After all he has done for you!
Paginet (exploding)
Ah! There it is. You're meddling in it as well. (to Plumarel) Why,
what have you done for me? What have you done?
Plumarel
Why, nothing, sir.
Paginet
Well, then, if you've done nothing, I don't owe you anything.
Plumarel (to Mrs. Paginet)
Then, madame, all I can do is retire.
Mrs. Paginet (low)
Return in half an hour when he's calmed down. I will speak to him.
Plumarel
Sir.
Paginet
Yes, goodbye. Hold on, take your bouquet with you.
(Plumarel goes out by the rear, taking his bouquet with him.)
Mrs. Paginet
Look, calm down. What's the matter with you?
Paginet
Ah, he's the one who exasperates me, your Plumarel. He exasperates
me. He puts on airs with me.
Joseph (entering from the back)
Sir! It's Mr. and Mrs. Livergin.
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
Livergin! My God. He's going to put his foot in it. (aloud) We're
not here.
Paginet
What do you mean we're not here? (to Joseph) Show them in!
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
My God!
Livergin (coming in from the rear with his wife)
Ah, dear lady, we learned the good news.
Mrs. Livergin
We congratulate you.
Mrs. Paginet (embarrassed)
Thank you. You are very good.
Livergin (to Paginet)
But you, my poor friend! What a cruel deception.
Mrs. Paginet (low)
Yes! Hush!
Paginet
A deception?
Livergin
Heavens! You're still wearing it.
Mrs. Paginet
Will you please shut up?
Paginet
What! I'm still wearing it? Why not? What's the matter?
Livergin
Huh? No, nothing! I don't know. I read in this paper—
Paginet (taking the paper)
In this paper?
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my God. Don't read it.
Paginet
Leave me alone. Where is it?
Livergin
No, no. I beg you, don't read it! (changing tone) Page 1, column 4.
Mrs. Paginet (aside)
Ah, this time, everything really is ruined. (to Paginet) Paginet!
Paginet
Ah, let me be. (reading) We announced in error this morning the
nomination of Doctor Paginet to the grade of Knight of the Legion of
Honor. (aside) Huh? (reading) It was not he who was nominated, it
was—(falling into a sofa) Ah!
Mrs. Paginet
Paginet! Paginet!
Mrs. Livergin
Ah, my God. He's ill.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, you've done a fine thing. Here! Get me the salts. There. Give
me the salts on the table.
Mrs. Livergin (finding the flask and giving it to Mrs. Paginet)
Here they are.
Paginet (coming to)
Thanks. Thanks, my friends.
Mrs. Paginet
My poor Loulou. Courage.
Paginet
Courage! (placing his hand on his heart, he encounters the
decoration) Ah, it's true. I don't have the right to wear it.
(Paginet pull off the decoration and tosses it on the table.)
Mrs. Paginet
Loulou, look—
Mrs. Livergin
The poor man.
Paginet
Ah, anyway, I did everything I ought to have done to get it.
Livergin
Yes. You did everything.
Mrs. Paginet
Comfort yourself, Loulou. Your turn will come, you know.
Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
Oh, yes.
Paginet
Oh, who knows?
Mrs. Paginet
Why, yes. First of all, Mr. Plumarel is here.
Paginet
Why, that's true.
Livergin (aside)
Get out.
Joseph (entering from the rear)
Sir, it's Mr. Plumarel.
Paginet
Him! Oh, come in, my dear friend.
Plumarel
Huh?
Paginet
Ah, it gives me pleasure to see you. You know you are part of the
family. You know what I promised you. I keep my word.
Plumarel (aside)
Yes, a waffling word.
Paginet
Ah, this good Plumarel. (to the others) I've always really loved
this kid here.
Plumarel (aside)
What does all this mean?
Paginet
Eh, well, my poor friend, you know the news. I am not decorated.
Plumarel (aside)
Oh, I get it! (aloud) Alas, yes, I learned it.
Joseph
What? Mr. Paginet is not decorated?
Paginet
Alas, no, my dear Joseph.
Joseph
Ah, sir. What a misfortune!
Paginet
Bah! My wife is—and that gives me even greater pleasure.
Mrs. Paginet
True! And here I was afraid it would give you pain.
Paginet
Pain! Do you think I'm jealous, by chance? Why, it's my consolation
to see you decorated. It's no little thing for a husband to be proud of
his wife.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, how good you are!
Plumarel
And then, besides, it's only half done and I'm going to move heaven
and earth—
Paginet
Ah, dear friend, I wouldn't dare to ask you.
Livergin (to his wife)
This guy is decorator to the family.
Paginet
But, what do I see? Where is your bouquet?
Plumarel
Why, sir, I didn't know if I should bring it back.
Paginet
Well, what kind of fiancé shows up without his bouquet?
Plumarel
Then, I'm still engaged?
Paginet
Engaged? What a question.
Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
Huh!
Paginet
You are going to see if you are engaged. (calling) Simone.
Simone (entering, followed by Dardillon)
Come on. Ask your question.
Earnest
Yes. (to Paginet) Sir, I have the honor of asking you for—
Paginet
Yes, but later, my friend! (to Livergin) My friend, I have the
pleasure of announcing to you the engagement of my niece Simone with
Mr. Plumarel.
Simone
Huh!
Earnest
Again!
(Dardillon collapses in an armchair. Everyone surrounds Plumarel and Simone to congratulate them.)
CURTAIN
A dining room with a long bay window in Paginet's house. On the right doors giving on Paginet's room. Another door on the left giving on Paginet's office.
AT RISE, the stage is empty. Then Paginet enters furtively and, after assuring himself that no one is watching, pulls a little box from his pocket. He opens the box. It contains a Cross of the Legion of Honor with diamonds. He holds the Cross up to his buttonhole, then, with a sigh, replaces it and puts the box under a napkin on the table where his wife will sit. Then he leaves cautiously, just as he came.
Hardly has he gone when Simone enters furtively and, after assuring herself there is no one about, gives a sign to Dardillon who enters with a bouquet hidden behind his back. They place the bouquet in a carafe at Mrs. Paginet's place. Then they leave cautiously.
Joseph now enters with a huge bouquet from the servants in honor
of
Mrs. Paginet. He places it properly, looks everything over, then
goes to the door at the right.
Joseph
Madame is served.
(Paginet, Simone, Dardillon and Mrs. Paginet enter from the right.)
Paginet
We're going to go to dinner.
Simone
Come on, Mr. Dardillon.
Paginet (to his wife)
In your seat, Madame Legionnaire.
Mrs. Paginet
Don't make fun of me. (sitting) Oh, this beautiful bouquet. How
sweet! (Dardillon preens with satisfaction) I am sure it's from Mr.
Plumarel.
Earnest
Naturally!
Simone
No, auntie. It's from Mr. Dardillon, who thought—
Mrs. Paginet
You! Oh, that was so nice.
Earnest
Ah, madame.
Paginet
Come on. Everybody sit down.
Mrs. Paginet (as she takes her napkin)
What's this? A cross with diamonds!
Paginet
Does it please you?
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, what madness! Why did you buy it?
Paginet
For you to wear with your dress.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my darling. I'd prefer to see it on your breast.
Paginet
Never mind that! (to Joseph) Well, Joseph, you may begin.
Joseph
Yes, sir. (aside) Doesn't she see my bouquet?
(Joseph affectedly arranges the vases in front of Mrs. Paginet. No one pays the least attention to his manoeuvres. Finally he taps the carafe with his fingernail to make it ring.)
Paginet
Pay attention, Joseph.
Joseph
Yes, sir. (aside) They have their eyes in their pockets.
Mrs. Paginet
Well, and Mr. Plumarel?
Paginet
Heavens! You're right.
Earnest (aside)
It's been a long while since they've spoken of that dodo.
Paginet
Ah, why he must have lunch with us. We can't sit at table without
his being here—Simone's fiancé.
Earnest (aside)
Simone's fiancé.
(A ringing is heard.)
Paginet
Someone's ringing. That must be him.
Simone
Yes.
Plumarel (coming in from the rear with a huge box of flowers)
Here I am.
All
Ah, finally.
Plumarel (to Paginet)
I'm late. I spent the morning occupied with you. Everything's going
well.
Paginet
Ah, you are an angel. Why, hug your fiancée.
Plumarel
You'll allow me, Miss. (hugging Simone)
Earnest (aside)
That's disgusting.
Paginet (to Dardillon)
They're charming, aren't they?
Earnest
Just what I was saying.
Paginet (pointing to Plumarel's flowers)
What's that you've got there, my good Plumarel?
Plumarel
My bouquet for the new Legionnaire.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, how sweet he is.
Earnest (aside)
It's bigger than mine.
Plumarel
Hello, Dardillon.
Earnest
Hello. (aside) It is bigger, but they're imitation.
Paginet
Now, to lunch.
(Dardillon starts to sit near Simone.)
Paginet
Ah, no, not there. That's not your place. The fiancés must be side
by side.
Earnest (aside)
Everything for him! Everything!
(As Paginet sits down the telephone rings.)
Paginet
Fine! Telephone. Wait, Dardillon can get it.
Earnest
Me!
Paginet
Yes, go!
Earnest (going out, aside)
Always all the drudgery.
Paginet
Come on. Plumarel, sit down there, next to your fiancée.
(Joseph enters with a platter.)
Paginet
Ah, there are the boiled eggs.
Mrs. Paginet
What! Aren't we going to wait for Mr. Dardillon?
Paginet
No indeed, no indeed. He doesn't have to be here.
(Everyone serves themselves.)
Joseph (aside)
Oh, for goodness sake! They still haven't seen our gift.
(Joseph arranges the carafes and pushes the carafe before Mrs. Paginet. No one pays any attention. Again he tinkles the glass with his fingernail.)
Paginet
Again! I told you to pay attention. And say, what's in this basket?
What's it doing in the middle of the table?
Joseph
Sir, it's—
Mrs. Paginet
Oh, why, I hadn't noticed. From you, Joseph?
Joseph
From me, the cook, and the maid.
Paginet
Oh, pardon, my poor Joseph. I wasn't looking.
Mrs. Paginet
Oh, it's very sweet. (reading) To Mrs. Paginet, Knight in the
Legion of Honor. The Servants. (aloud) Ah, why this is lovely.
Paginet (looking it over)
Let's see. Ah, very pretty. It's a work of art.
(Paginet shows it to Plumarel and Simone.)
Simone (to Plumarel)
Charming, isn't it?
Plumarel
Very fine taste! Very fine taste!
Joseph (preening)
Oh, sir, it's because we are so happy in the pantry.
Mrs. Paginet
I thank you very much.
Joseph
You could put it in the salon.
Paginet
No, in the dressing room. That's the best place.
Joseph.
Why, it will show better in the salon.
Earnest (returning, to the audience)
Ah, no. That's the bill!
Paginet
What's that, Dardillon?
Earnest
For Mr. Plumarel.
Plumarel
Me?
Earnest
Yes, from a florist, for the engagement bouquets. (aside) I
insisted that the florist send them.
Plumarel
I'll take care of it after dinner. I beg your pardon.
Paginet
Think nothing of it. Another egg, Plumarel?
Plumarel
Willingly!
Paginet
Fortunately, there's one left.
Simone
And Mr. Dardillon?
Paginet
Ah, that's true! Then, you'll have to draw lots.
Plumarel
No, not at all! I've already had one. That one is for Dardillon.
Paginet
Well, he cedes it to you.
(Joseph enters with a plate of cutlets.
Paginet
What's that?
Mrs. Paginet
Cutlets.
Paginet
Ah, sure. Joseph, you've given me the red wine, give me some white.
Joseph
Here, sir. Oh!
All
What?
Joseph
Who stuck this bouquet in the Sauterne?
Paginet
In the Sauterne?
Earnest
It was Sauterne? I thought it was water.
Paginet
That's nice. A bottle lost. Is there any more white wine here?
Joseph
No, sir. Only in the cellar.
Paginet
A nice how do you do.
Earnest
Sir, I ask your pardon. I was so happy about Mrs. Paginet's
decoration that I didn't pay attention.
Paginet
I don't say you weren't happy, but still—you can look where you
stick your flowers. Still, this is amusing. I'm going to be forced to
drink red wine—and my doctor forbids it. Come, pass the cutlets.
Mrs. Paginet (serving herself from the plate offered by Joseph)
Ah! Joseph! Your cutlets are black!
Paginet
Let's see. (they show them to him) Why, they're not edible. You
will take my compliments to the cook if this is how she serves us.
Joseph
Oh, it's not her fault.
Paginet
What do you mean, it's not her fault?
Joseph
Sir, she was so overjoyed about Mrs. Paginet's decoration—
Paginet
Well, what of it! She was so overjoyed! That's no reason to burn
food. Good heavens, your happiness is wretched.
(Joseph leaves.)
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, indeed, for one time, you can excuse her.
Plumarel
And then, they're not completely burned. Here, see inside.
Paginet
You'll be lucky if you can eat that. (to Mrs. Paginet) What's the
next course?
Mrs. Paginet
Potatoes.
(Joseph enters with a cake on a platter.)
Paginet (to Joseph)
Ah, I suppose these are potatoes?
Joseph
Sir, here's a cake that the baker sends as a gift to madame.
All
Ah!
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, what a beautiful cake.
Simone
There's something written on it.
Earnest
It's true. Written in sugar.
Mrs. Paginet (reading)
Long live Mrs. Paginet, Knight of the Legion of Honor. (aloud) Ah,
now, that's a mark of respect.
Plumarel
I am sure it's the first time you've seen your name written in
sugar.
Mrs. Paginet
I confess that is so.
Joseph
The baker told me to say he was really happy.
Paginet (between his teeth)
That refrain bodes no good!
Joseph
He's especially happy, because if madame hadn't been nominated the
cake would have been unsaleable. He made it first for Mr. Paginet. So
he only had to change the Mr. to Mrs.
Paginet
Ah, indeed. Learning that makes me feel good.
Mrs. Paginet
I think we ought to give him ten francs.
Paginet
Ten francs! These cakes are no good. They look nice but they're not
edible. Give him forty sous. (to Joseph) Serve the potatoes.
(Joseph serves Mrs. Paginet. Paginet watches.)
Paginet
Why are these chestnuts like this?
Joseph
The cook told met to tell you that they got a bit burned.
Paginet
Again! This is insupportable.
Joseph
It's not her fault, sir. She was so overjoyed.
Paginet
Ah, why, you know, you're getting on my nerves. Well, yes, you're
overjoyed—agreed—we are all overjoyed—but, that's no reason to make
a mess of things.
(Joseph leaves.)
Mrs. Paginet
Look, Loulou, calm down.
Paginet
What I say is true! Overjoyed!
Mrs. Paginet
Well, aren't you overjoyed?
Paginet
What, I'm not happy? But, I cope with it; I don't make others
suffer. I haven't eaten because of all this. I haven't eaten a thing.
Joseph (entering and announcing)
Mr. Livergin.
Livergin (entering)
Hello. Everything fine?
All
Ah, Mr. Livergin.
Paginet
Are you coming to take coffee with us?
Livergin
Gladly.
Paginet
Joseph, bring the coffee.
Joseph (leaving)
Right, sir.
Paginet
And what brought you here?
Livergin
My dear fellow, I wanted to shake our hand and see how you are
bearing up.
Paginet
Bearing up? Why not! You see we're celebrating. Look at these
flowers, this cake—and this cross—that's my gift.
Mrs. Paginet
You see how they spoil me.
Paginet
Bearing up! Why, we're celebrating.
Livergin
All my congratulations. I'm delighted to see you in this mood.
Paginet
Indeed!
Mrs. Paginet (to Livergin)
Well, and you, Mr. Livergin? Where are you in your quest for a
decoration?
Livergin
Oh, my God. Taking Paginet's advice, I wrote one of my friends who
works at the Ministry to send me a telegram in the event I appear on
the lists, but, truthfully, I have no great hope.
Joseph (entering with a huge amount of mail)
Here's the mail.
Paginet
Ah!
Joseph (giving the mail to Mrs. Paginet)
For madame! (gives a single letter to the doctor) For you, sir.
(Exit Joseph.)
Livergin
Well, it's not heavy.
Paginet
What do you want, my friend? It's logical. She's decorated and I am
not. She gets all the letters, all the praise. Ah, I'm not jealous.
Mrs. Paginet
These are unimportant. I'll look at them later.
Joseph (entering with a coffee pot on a platter)
Coffee is served.
(Exit Joseph.)
Mrs. Paginet
Come, help me, Simone.
Simone (to Plumarel)
Some coffee, Mr. Plumarel?
Plumarel
I never take any! Anyway, if you will excuse me, I have to leave. I
have errands to run. Got to go to the florist.
Paginet
Go, my friend. Don't bother about us. (to Simone) Accompany your
fiancé, Simone, it's your right.
Earnest (furious, rising)
Ah, that's too much!
Paginet (to Dardillon)
Where are you headed?
Earnest
I'm accompanying him, too.
Paginet
If you like.
(Exit Simone, Plumarel and Dardillon.)
Mrs. Paginet (serving Livergin)
Here's your coffee, Mr. Livergin.
Livergin
Thanks, madame.
Joseph (entering)
Madame, some ladies from the Committee on Orphans have come to
congratulate you.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, how kind of them. (to Paginet) You'll excuse me, Loulou.
Paginet
What do you think? Rejoice in your triumph, my darling!
(Mr. and Mrs. Paginet hug.)
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, Loulou.
Paginet
Romeo and Juliet! Livergin—
Mrs. Paginet
Oh, no. Philemon and Baucis! I'm going to meet these ladies.
(Mrs. Paginet goes into the salon.)
Paginet
That's it! Ah, Livergin, now there's a companion for life.
Livergin
Who are you telling, old boy? All the same, truly, I admire you.
Paginet
Why?
Livergin
I don't know. Your good humor, your jovial air. Whereas I expected
to find you in a sulky mood and I'd have to cheer you up.
Paginet
Me? Why, I'm very happy.
Livergin
Well, you know. That's very fine. It does you honor. So many in
your place would be jealous because, in short, after such a
disappointment.
Paginet
Ah, the fact is—
Livergin
Ah, my poor friend. The blows are there.
Paginet
Ah! You believe that?
Livergin
Oh, I am disgusted. I understand quite well what it is not to be
decorated—but still, you must live on.
Paginet
You are very good.
Livergin
After all, you have to look at things on their good side. If you
weren't decorated, your wife is. Well! Do you want me to tell you the
truth. I don't know, but in the end, if it's not better that way.
Paginet
In what way?
Livergin
Hell! Just think what renown it will give to your name. To be the
husband of a superior woman. That is going to make a stir for you.
Paginet
I don't say no—but look, between you and me, I love my wife very
much—but she isn't as superior as all that.
Livergin
Drop that! One is never a prophet in one's own country. And then,
in short, she is decorated! It's true that puts her above you—but,
after all, she will tow you along with her.
Paginet
Oh, I don't say that! It's a way of looking at it. Why then, on
that score, suppose you, if your wife was decorated—
Livergin
Oh, I am not speaking of me. That's not the same thing.
Paginet
Really?
Livergin
No. As for me, I confess, I wouldn't care to see my wife decorated
and not me because, after all, what's the husband of a Knight of the
Legion of Honor? Nothing! A negligible, to put it quaintly, you're
under the bushel.
Paginet
Yes. Then, according to you, if I understand you correctly, I would
be under the bushel?
Livergin
Eh! What do you want, old boy?
Paginet
Charming! And what is not good enough for you is good enough for
me, I suppose?
Livergin
Ah, there, my God. You twist things around. Indeed no, look, we are
confronting a situation that exists. Well, I am trying to make you see
the bright side.
Paginet
Ah, you are very charitable.
Livergin
I tell you, you are the husband of a superior woman.
Paginet
Ah, leave me alone with your superior woman. In the end, you'll
make me believe I am an idiot.
Joseph (entering)
Sir!
Paginet
What is it?
Joseph
It's the washerwoman.
Paginet
Well, what's the washerwoman to me?
Joseph
Why, sir, it's to pay for the linen.
Paginet
The linen?
Livergin
There, what did I tell you? You would be under the bushel.
Paginet
Am I in the habit of paying for the wash? Address yourself to my
wife.
Joseph
But, now that madame has been decorated—
Paginet
There it is. So, because she's been decorated, I must become the
woman of the house!
Joseph
Oh, sir! I didn't say that!
Paginet
Ah, this is too much! Where is the washerwoman? I'm going to kick
her out.
(Paginet goes out by the right.)
Joseph
What's wrong with him, sir?
Livergin
I don't know. A suppressed decoration.
(Door bell rings.)
Livergin
A visit. (noticing Mrs. Livergin who enters hurriedly) Heavens!
It's you.
Mrs. Livergin
Ah, I was looking for you. Come right away.
Livergin
Where to?
Mrs. Livergin
There's a telegram for you at home.
Livergin
Well?
Mrs. Livergin
Well, it must be from the Ministry.
Livergin
Huh! But, why didn't you bring it with you?
Mrs. Livergin
They won't give it to me. You have to sign for it.
Livergin
Ah, my God. Run! Run!
Mrs. Paginet (entering)
Ah, madame. They just told me of your visit.
Mrs. Livergin
Ah, really! Well, bye, dear lady, bye.
Mrs. Paginet
Now, there's a way of coming to see people.
Livergin
Hurry up! Come on!
(Mr. and Mrs. Livergin bump into Paginet who enters as they are leaving.)
Paginet
Where are you going? What's gotten into you?
Livergin
Nothing! We are in a hurry! Bye, bye!
Mrs. Livergin
Goodbye! Goodbye!
(The Livergins leave.)
Paginet
Ah, really! What's the matter with them? Now there are some
manners!
Mrs. Paginet
I have no idea. Ah, look, my dear, more ladies from the Committee
have given me such a beautiful crown.
(Mrs. Paginet places a crown on the sofa.)
Paginet
Very pretty, indeed, very pretty. As for me, in the meantime, I was
receiving the washerwoman.
Mrs. Paginet
You!
Paginet
Naturally, me! Since you weren't there! Since you were in the
process of being crowned by the ladies.
Mrs. Paginet
Oh, well. It's not serious! For once you receive the washerwoman.
Generally, it's always me.
Paginet
Eh! Well, yes, it's your business. Because you are decorated,
you're not going to stop managing the household.
Mrs. Paginet
That's evident.
Paginet
You understand, as for me, I am very delighted that you are
decorated! I've told you that, but still, the house mustn't suffer for
it.
Mrs. Paginet
But it won't suffer for it, my dear. And here! The proof that I
haven't abdicated my functions as manager is that I am going to prepare
the dinner menu right away.
Paginet
You're only doing your duty.
(Paginet sits on the sofa and, unaware, sits on the crown.)
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my God! Paginet!
Paginet
What?
Mrs. Paginet
You are sitting on my crown.
Paginet (rising)
Ah, your crown!
Mrs. Paginet
Oh, it's in a fine condition.
Paginet
What do you expect? It's not my fault! If you wouldn't leave your
trophies on the furniture.
Mrs. Paginet
Still, you could look—
Paginet
It's going to be fun if you encumber the house with emblems.
Joseph (entering at the back)
Madame, the Market Women are bringing you a bouquet.
Paginet
There you go. The Market Women now.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, how kind of them. I'm going to receive them and give them
twenty francs.
Paginet
Well, and the menu?
Mrs. Paginet
Well, heavens, do it yourself. At least you'll order what you like.
Paginet
Me!
Mrs. Paginet
Yes. Come, Joseph.
(Mrs. Paginet exits with Joseph.)
Paginet
Me! Ah, this is too much! Ah, no. I won't do the menu. Ah, no. Ah,
you take on like that with me. Ah, you think you're going to put me
under the bushel. Well, you're going to find out. I'll have to exercise
authority—and I will. Ah, why—we're going to have to put things in
order here!
(Paginet pushes open the door of the salon and finds Dardillon at Simone's feet.)
Simone and Earnest (quickly straightening up)
Ah!
Paginet
Dardillon, at Simone's feet.
Earnest
Mrs. Paginet.
Simone
Uncle.
Paginet
There's no Mr. Paginet. There's no uncle. You are going to
leave—and in a bit of a hurry.
Simone and Earnest
Ah, my God.
Mrs. Paginet (returning)
What's wrong now?
Paginet
I've just surprised Mr. Dardillon at the feet of your niece.
Mrs. Paginet
Mr. Dardillon?
Paginet
Yes. That's what it is! It's your fault. If you were concerning
yourself with the house—if you were watching over your niece—all this
wouldn't have happened.
Mrs. Paginet
Why, my fault?
Paginet
There's no “Why, my fault?” (to Dardillon) As for you, sir, you're
going to leave. I am kicking you out the door.
Earnest
But, sir, I love her.
Paginet
That's all the same to me. Go! Get out!
Simone
Well, no. He won't go. Because I, too, I love him and I'm going to
marry him.
Mrs. Paginet
Huh?
Paginet
What are you saying? Go to your room!
Simone
Yes, I'll go! But, I will marry him—and I will never marry Mr.
Plumarel.
Paginet
Will you!
(Simone goes out to the left.)
Paginet (to Dardillon)
And you! You—make yourself scarce!
Earnest
Ah, take care, sir! If you kick me out, I'll go back to Mr.
Pasteur.
Paginet
Go wherever you like.
Earnest
Yes. (starts to go, then returns) Well—no—I won't go back to
Pasteur! From now on, far from here, I will only be in despair. You
kick me out! So be it! I'm going. But, I'm going to throw myself under
the wheels of the first vehicle I see going fast. I warn you! That's
what you will have done, sir. And now, do you persist in being
implacable?
Paginet
Yes.
Earnest
Then, goodbye. I am going to die.
Paginet
Well, go to it.
Earnest
Yes, sir.
(Dardillon leaves by the rear.)
Paginet
Ah, things have got to be straightened out here. Things have got to
be straightened out.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, what audacity.
Paginet
Ah, yes. What audacity. It's about time to say that. This is where
you are taking us with your mad pride.
Mrs. Paginet (flabbergasted)
My mad pride!
Paginet
Yes! If your head weren't turned by your decoration! At least you'd
have seen what was going on in your own home.
Mrs. Paginet
But, it seems to me that your head wasn't turned by your
decoration—
Paginet
Ah, yes. There it is! Isn't it? It's a way of making me notice that
you are decorated and I am not. But, I know it, my dear friend, I know
it. You are a superior woman and, as for me, I am of no account.
Mrs. Paginet
But, I didn't say that.
Paginet
Yes, yes! I know quite well. I am nothing here. I am under the
bushel. It's understood.
Mrs. Paginet
Why, no, my friend.
Joseph (running in from the back)
Sir! Sir! It's the band from Fontainbleau; they've learned of the
nomination of Mrs. Paginet and have come to congratulate her.
Paginet
The band!
Mrs. Paginet
Show them in.
Paginet
Ah, well, no, for goodness sake. You are not going to receive them
here. In the end, I've had enough of it—if we must be invaded by your
Committee women, by your women from the market and by bands. This is
not an existence any more. It's not an existence. (the band enters from
the back and forms up double time) Watch out. If you don't put them out
the door, I'll leave the house.
Patrigeot (to Mrs. Paginet)
Madame, great news comes like lightning.
Paginet
Yes! Well, go to the devil with your great news.
Patrigeot
What's gotten into him?
Paginet
You want to push me to the limit, right? You want to push me to the
limit? (to the band) Go!
Mrs. Paginet (to the band)
Yes, gentlemen, pay no attention. Come this way.
Patrigeot
Why, madame.
Mrs. Paginet
Come. Here are five francs for you.
Band
Long live Mrs. Paginet!
(Mrs. Paginet leaves through the door at the left, followed by the band at double time.)
Paginet
Oh, no. This is too much, too much. These people come to sneer at
me in my own home. And she's giving them francs—and the five francs
are mine. Why, that's a waste! Ah, this house, this house, this house!
No! No! If this lasts much longer, I prefer to get out. (calling)
Joseph!
Joseph (entering)
Sir!
Paginet
Go pack my suitcase.
Joseph
You're leaving?
Paginet
Ah, yes, I'm leaving. Ah, yes, I'm leaving—and you can say so to
your mistress. I've had enough of this house. I have had enough of it!
Go!
Joseph
Right, sir. (going, from outside) What's eating him?
Paginet
Oh, no! No! It's too much! It's too much, too much.
Livergin (running in from the rear with Mrs. Livergin)
Ah, my friend—if you knew what's happened to me.
Paginet
Great! Here's the other one. Well, what is it? What's the matter?
Livergin
Ah, my friend, you won't believe it. I've got it.
Paginet
Well, so much the worse for you. You should've watched your wife.
Livergin
Why no, I'm decorated.
Paginet
Huh! You—you, too?
Livergin
Yes—here's a telegram form the Ministry announcing it to me.
(reading) Your name on list of nominees. (aloud) I am nominated.
Paginet
Well, I don't give a damn about your nomination. Here! The
decorations are that way. Go that way. Goodnight to you.
Livergin
Why, he's crazy!
Mrs. Livergin
Ah, hello, Mr. Paginet.
Paginet
Hello, madame! Go that way! With your husband! Go that way!
Mrs. Livergin
What a way to receive a person.
(Mr. and Mrs. Livergin go out to the right.)
Paginet
Decorated! Look who they decorate now. A Livergin! That's the
limit!
Mrs. Paginet (entering)
Be satisfied. I just dismissed the band.
Paginet
Ah, I laugh at your band. Receive them as much as you like. I won't
be in your way.
Mrs. Paginet
Why?
Paginet
Why? Because I'm going to go. I've had enough, you understand. I'm
leaving the house!
Mrs. Paginet
You!
Paginet
Yes, and you can tell yourself that it's your fool pride that made
me do it!
Mrs. Paginet
My fool pride!
Joseph (entering with the suitcase)
Here's your suitcase, sir.
Paginet
Thanks. (Joseph leaves) Ah, you wanted to push me to the limit.
Well, I'm going.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, my God. Where are you going?
Paginet
Wherever I care to.
Mrs. Paginet
Paginet! Paginet! I beg you.
Paginet
Leave me in peace.
(Paginet goes out to the rear.)
Mrs. Paginet
Paginet! Paginet! (falling into a chair) Ah, my God!
Livergin and Mrs. Livergin (coming in)
What's the matter?
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, Mr. Livergin—my husband! My husband has just left in
exasperation. He's left home.
Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
Huh?
Mrs. Paginet
Yes. I beg you, run after him. Stop him. He cannot have gone far.
Livergin
Me!
Mrs. Paginet
Yes. You're his friend! Well, I appeal to your friendship.
Livergin
That's fine. I'm on my way. (aside) They never call under your
title as friend except to demand services. (to Mrs. Livergin) Come on,
let's go!
Mrs. Livergin (low)
What? You're going to go after him?
Livergin
No, indeed. I'm going to play a game of dominoes at the café. I'll
tell her I didn't find him.
Mrs. Livergin
Ah, good.
(Mr. and Mrs. Livergin leave.)
Mrs. Paginet
What have I done, I ask you, to deserve all this? What have I done!
The wretch! Ah, my God! My God!
(Noise is heard in the distance.)
Simone (entering excitedly)
Ah, auntie, auntie! It's Mr. Dardillon. They're bringing him. He's
limping, he's very pale.
Mrs. Paginet
Mr. Dardillon?
Earnest (entering, supported by Joseph)
Oh, how ill I am. How ill I am.
Joseph
Easy, take it easy. Walk slowly.
Simone
Earnest! What's the matter with you?
Earnest
Oh, careful—oh—oh—oh.
Mrs. Paginet
You're injured? Explain yourself.
Earnest
In a minute, a seat—a seat.
Mrs. Paginet (making Dardillon sit down)
Here, there, there.
(Exit Joseph.)
Earnest
Thank you.
Mrs. Paginet and Simone
Ah, what happened to you?
Earnest
I don't know myself what happened to me. All I know is that I left
I despair and was going to hurl myself under the wheels of the first
vehicle that I met.
Mrs. Paginet
Wretch!
Earnest
Yes, wretch! I already met several, only they were only fiacres.
They weren't going fast. Finally, luck made me smile. I noticed a huge
carriage. It was out of control. The people inside were screaming. The
coachman was yelling from the seat. I said to myself that heaven sent
me this, this way I won't escape. And boom! I threw myself under the
legs of the horses.
Mrs. Paginet and Simone.
Ah!
Earnest
Perhaps you think I was crushed, that I was killed by the blow.
Well, no. I prefer to tell you right away, no.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, you reassure us.
Earnest
But, ill luck pursued me. The legs of the horses entwined with
mine. They stumbled, rolled over me! There they were, on the ground. I
felt five tons of horses on top of me. Then, shouts from all sides.
They took me, carried me away—and all around me I heard praise:
enthusiastic shouts of Bravo! Bravo! He saved the Minister. He's a
hero!
Simone
You saved the Minister?
Earnest
Ah, I didn't do it intentionally, I assure you. And then, so many
questions. Where should we take you? Who are you? But, I felt my
strength desert me. I had only time to utter the few words that brought
me to you. Then, I lost consciousness—and here I am.
Simone
Ah, my poor Earnest.
Mrs. Paginet
But really, dunderhead that you are, it's not reasonable to throw
yourself under the hooves of horses. You might have been killed.
Earnest
That's what I wanted, madame.
Mrs. Paginet
Here, come this way. It will do you good to stretch out a little.
Earnest
Yes, I'd like that.
(Dardillon is supported by Simone and Mrs. Paginet.)
Earnest
Ah, how I hurt! How I hurt!
Mrs. Paginet (calling)
Joseph! Joseph!
Joseph (entering)
Madame?
Mrs. Paginet
Bring a glass of cognac to revive this gentleman.
Joseph
The good stuff?
Earnest (in a weak voice)
Yes, the good stuff, the good stuff.
(Dardillon goes out with Mrs. Paginet and Simone.)
Joseph
Let's see. Where's the cognac? (finding two bottles in the buffet)
Now, which is the good one? (sipping from one) Ah, this is it.
(Joseph replaces the other bottle.)
Mrs. Paginet (reappearing)
Well, the cognac?
Joseph
Here it is, madame.
(Mrs. Paginet leaves. Paginet enters from the rear with a sulky expression.)
Joseph (noticing him)
Heavens. He's back.
Paginet
That's fine. Leave me alone.
Joseph
I'll tell madame.
Paginet
It's not worth the trouble. I'll tell her myself.
Joseph (leaving by the rear)
Fine sir. (aside) He brought back his ill temper, too.
(Paginet tosses his suitcase on the armchair, then paces up and down, stops, scratches his head.)
Paginet
Decidedly, I've been stupid.
Joseph (entering)
Sir.
Paginet
What is it? What is it this time?
Joseph
It's a government messenger.
Paginet
Well, fine. What does he want with me?
Joseph
He brought this letter. He told me it was on the subject of your
act of heroism.
Paginet
What does he mean, my act of heroism?
Joseph
How would I know?
Paginet
Fine. Get out. (Joseph leaves) (reading) Sir, the Minister directs
me to tell you he will never forget the act of courage you performed
today. (puzzled, he checks the address on the envelope, then continues)
The Minister does not question that he owes you his life. (staggered)
To me? (reading) If you hadn't so resolutely tossed yourself at the
head of his runaway horses, who knows what would have come of it?
(puzzled) What in the dickens is he talking about? (reading on) Sir,
your lengthy medical service and numerous scientific works have long
attracted attention and merit exceptional titles. The Chancellery,
having placed two additional Crosses at his disposal, the Minister
proposes to nominate you to the Legion of Honor forthwith. (stunned)
Decorated! Me! Ah, look, let's see. Am I dreaming? My titles, my work,
I understand, but this act of courage—the runaway horses—
Plumarel (coming in excitedly from the back)
Ah, Mr. Paginet.
Paginet
You!
Plumarel
Ah, bravo! Bravo! What courage, what heroism.
Paginet
This is nice—him, too.
Plumarel
You saved a Minister, and my uncle—
Paginet
Come on, look, what's all this about? I didn't do anything
extraordinary.
Plumarel
Nothing extraordinary, he says! What modesty. But my uncle knows
what he owes you. He's there to say what you did.
Paginet
Well, what did I do?
Plumarel
Why, just like it happened. As his runaway carriage passed before
you, as you must recall—
Paginet
You know, in moments of great excitement like that, everything's a
blur—all vague.
Plumarel
Well, at the risk of your life, you threw yourself at the head of
the horses.
Paginet
No!
Plumarel
Ah, Mr. Paginet, let me shake your hand. What you did was so fine,
so great! Such an act of courage.
Paginet (aside)
An act of courage. Hum. Let's see, I really saved the Minister. In
a fit of absent mindedness—it's not possible.
Plumarel
And no, I can really tell you, the little ribbon is a done deal.
Paginet
It's true! I've just received a letter from the Minister's deputy
himself.
Plumarel
Well, you see!
Paginet
Ah, my friend, my friend. (aside) There's nothing to say. It must
have been in a fit of absent mindedness—because I know myself—I'd
never have done it knowingly.
Plumarel
You see, Mr. Paginet, in life it's a good thing to have titles, but
it's even better to deserve them. Well, you've found the best way of
deserving them.
Paginet
Yes, indeed, I've found the best way.
Plumarel
By saving the Minister.
Paginet
Why, it's clear—I saved the Minister.
(The Livergins enter.)
Livergin
Ah, finally. Here he is!
Paginet
Ah, Livergin, my friend. Come here. You don't know. I've been
decorated.
Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
You!
Paginet
Yes. I saved the Minister, my friend. I saved the Minister.
Livergin
What are you talking about? What are you talking about?
Paginet
What am I talking about! Ask Plumarel what I'm talking about.
Livergin (to Plumarel)
What—he saved the Minister?
Plumarel
Absolutely! And with such courage.
Paginet
The courage of unconsciousness—in one moment—a ray of light was
enough to make a hero of me. I saw only one thing—a runaway carriage
rushing out of control—horses terrified and the wretches who would
infallibly be crushed, mutilated, perhaps killed. Then I listened only
to my courage and threw myself at the head of the horses at the risk of
my life.
Livergin
You!
Mrs. Livergin
Ah, this is frightening.
Plumarel
You see, indeed, your memory is coming back.
Paginet
Yes. Oh, now it comes to me, it comes back to me. Well, Livergin,
my friend, the man whose life I saved for his family, for France, was
the Minister.
Livergin
The Minister!
Paginet
Yes, it was he I saved.
Livergin (aside)
Intriguer.
Mrs. Paginet (coming in)
You. Ah, I knew quite well you would return.
Paginet
Ah, baby—
Mrs. Paginet
Why, where have you been, villain? Where have you been?
Paginet
Where have I been? I was doing my duty.
Mrs. Paginet
Your duty?
Paginet
Be proud of me, darling. I return to you glorious and decorated.
Livergin
He's poetic in his honors.
Mrs. Paginet
Decorated! You! But, how did it happen?
Paginet
It's quite simple. One moment—a flash was enough to make me a
hero.
Simone (entering with Dardillon)
Come, give me your arm. Walk slowly.
Earnest
Oh, Mr. Paginet.
Paginet
Dardillon, here! What are you doing here, sir, when I forbade you?
Simone
Uncle, don't scold him. If you know what happened to him—a
terrible accident.
Paginet
An accident?
Earnest
Oh, yes, sir. After you so cruelly kicked me out, I left with a
breaking heart, swearing not to survive my misfortune.
Paginet
Well, yes, that's fine. And then?
Earnest
Suddenly I noticed a big carriage out of control—
All
Huh?
Earnest
Heeding only my despair, I threw myself at the head of the horses.
All
Him, too?
Paginet (aside)
Ah, my God—what a horrible flash. (to the others) Excuse me,
excuse me. I have a word to say to him.
All
Huh?
Paginet
Dardillon, come here.
Earnest
Ah, my God. What's the matter, sir?
Paginet (low)
Whose carriage was it?
Earnest
It belonged to the Minister I think.
Paginet
It belonged—Dardillon, you love my niece—I am granting you her
hand.
Earnest
Is it possible?
Paginet
But, on one condition. Swear to me you will forget you ever saved
the Minister.
Earnest
Me!
Paginet
Yes. I will tell you why! But, swear.
Earnest
At that price—I swear it.
Mrs. Paginet
Ah, what are you whispering about over there?
Paginet
You are going to know! My friends, I have the honor of announcing
the engagement of my niece with Mr. Dardillon.
Simone
Is it possible?
Earnest
Oh, sir!
Plumarel
Well, and me!
Paginet
What do you want? Simone loves Dardillon and not you. I would never
cross their inclinations.
Plumarel
That's fine. I won't insist.
Paginet
Come. It's a fine day. Two fiancés and two decorations.
Livergin
You can say three. I am decorated, too.
Mrs. Paginet
You?
Plumarel
What? You already know. And I was expecting the pleasure of
announcing it to you.
Livergin
Yes, I am nominated.
Plumarel
Right! Officer of the Academy.
Mr. and Mrs. Livergin
What are you saying?
Plumarel
I say, you are nominated officer of the Academy.
Paginet
Good!
Livergin
I am Officer of the Academy. I am Officer of the Academy. I am
Officer of the Academy.
Paginet
Well, yes, what of it? You are Officer of the Academy.
Mrs. Livergin
My poor friend, you see your government.
Livergin
Ah, this is too much. (pulling a box full of ribbons from his
pocket) And I bought a dozen decorations.
(Livergin places the box near Paginet who takes one out as one takes a pinch of snuff.)
Paginet
Thanks.
(Paginet puts the ribbon in his buttonhole.)
Mrs. Paginet
Finally, you have it, my darling. It was, indeed, owed to you. You
deserved it for a long time without getting it.
Paginet (aside)
And I got it this time without deserving it.
CURTAIN