EText by Dagny
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A PLAY IN ONE ACT BY FRANK J. MORLOCK C 1988
CHARACTERS:
Bernard, an artist
Marsha, his wife
Henry the VIII
Dr. Watson
Lattimore
The action takes place in Dr. Watson's Sanatorium sometime in the
twentieth century.
A comfortable room in Dr. Watson's sanatorium; there are chairs and
a small bed. Bernard is at an easel, painting. Bernard is singing
lustily. A knock.
Bernard (easily)
C'mon in. (greeting Henry the VIII with a friendly gesture, Bernard
is used to Henry and relishes his company) Ah, will Milord be good
enough to enter?
Henry
Good morrow, my dear Duke.
Bernard (cheerfully)
Good morrow, your Highness.
Henry (regally gracious)
Don't put yourself out! Carry on. You sing while you paint.
Bernard
Yes, Milord. Like a Volga boatman.
Henry
Proof of a pure heart.
(Henry inspects the work on the easel. The picture is all lines and blots.)
Henry
Landscape?
Bernard
Landscape.
Henry
Charming.
Bernard (bowing)
Your patronage, Milord, flatters and honors me.
Henry
Charming. We have always taken care to make England first in
art—it shall always be our royal care to reward artists. That is why I
made you a Duke.
Bernard
The world needs more monarchs like you, Your Majesty.
Henry
Is it finished?
Bernard
Does Your Majesty like it this way?
Henry
Quite.
Bernard
Then, if you approve, I have nothing more to do than sign it.
(signing it)
Henry
Now, the delicate question: how much?
Bernard
Four hundred pounds—for you, Your Majesty.
Henry
Say five hundred in round figures. I will buy it for Anne Boleyn.
Is it dry?
Bernard
Not for a day or so.
Henry
That's too bad! I want to go this evening.
Bernard
Your Majesty has decided to leave us?
Henry
My duty calls. Cardinal Wolsey has written me in cipher. My bags
are packed. Let the coach be brought.
Bernard
What a shame! You'll miss the festivities. There's going to be an
artists' ball—
Henry (pompously)
My Lord Duke, those who are called to grand affairs because of the
misfortune of their birth must leave little joys for great cares. You
have the best of if. Artists live in an Eden that even Kings cannot
enter. Bah, I must look at budgets and state papers. There are times
when I envy men such as you (but probably not often).
Bernard (touched)
Oh, Milord—
Henry
Yes, yes, I swear to you—uneasy lies the head that wears the
crown— uneasy and bored.
(Enter Dr. Watson. White coat, businesslike, short beard like Dr. Freud whom he fancies he resembles and tries to resemble whether he does or not.)
Bernard
Ah, Dr. Watson.
Watson
I believe Your Majesty is wanted—
Henry
We leave for Portsmouth tonight. But that's a state secret, mind.
Watson (absently, not much interested in Henry)
Yes.
Henry
I have no time. Fare thee well, Duke Bernard.
Bernard (bowing)
My humble duty, Your Highness.
Henry (something has clicked off or on in Henry's mind)
I have an excellent souvenir of you. At first I had a prejudice
against you. Then I saw you had the most beautiful bird's nest in your
beard.
Bernard (dumbfounded)
Huh?
Henry
One would think you were speaking. Not so! It's the bird singing—
tweet, tweet, tweet-tweet. To reward you, noble Bernard, I name you
Captain General of the Order of the Knights of Malta.
Bernard
A thousand thanks.
Henry
Think nothing of it. It's a little red cross with a green ribbon.
Bernard
Delighted.
Henry
Kneel and kiss my ring.
Watson
Come on, that's enough.
Henry
Kiss my ring, wretch!
Watson
Go back to your room immediately, Mr. Simpson.
Henry
I will deprive you of all your titles, Cardinal Wolsey.
Watson
That's understood. Now be off.
Henry
I'll have your head off. You don't respect the Pope. You infidel.
I'll burn you at the stake.
Watson
You cannot be both Henry the Eighth and also be the Pope. Now, make
up your mind who you are, Mr. Simpson.
Henry
Why can't I?
Watson
Why can't you what?
Henry
Why can't I be Pope, too?
Watson
We simply don't permit multiple delusions in this institution, Mr.
Simpson. It's hard enough to handle one.
Henry
What's the use of being crazy if one can't do what one likes?
(stamping his foot) I demand my right to be whoever I please, whenever
I please.
Watson (icily)
If you insist on being difficult, Mr. Simpson, I will arrange to
send you to a state institution where they permit all sorts of
behaviour, and you may have as many delusions as you like. (a terrible
silence) Now, go find Anne Boleyn!
Henry (exits, cringing, but after he leaves his courage comes back
somewhat) To hell with those who do not comprehend me. A WHORE! A
WHORE! MY KINGDOM FOR A WHORE!
Bernard
Poor fellow. Each morning he says he's leaving in the evening, but
he never does. Still, he always buys my pictures.
Watson
He's a very difficult case. Now Dr. Freud says about this kind of
delusion that—
Bernard
Excuse me, Dr. Watson—but why can't he?
Watson (puzzled)
Why can't he what?
Bernard
Why can't he have more than one delusion?
Watson
You've got to draw the line somewhere, you know. It's the first
step to a cure—
Bernard (comprehending)
Ah—
Watson
And Dr. Freud says—
Bernard
You know, Dr. Watson, you resemble him.
Watson
I resemble—?
Bernard
Dr. Freud.
Watson (delighted)
Do you think so?
Bernard
Absolutely.
Watson (even more delighted)
You're just saying that.
Bernard
Not at all.
Watson
I admire him so much. I like to think I follow in the master's
footsteps. That's what accounts for it.
Bernard
The resemblance is extraordinary.
Watson
You're just trying to get around me. I can't let you do that. How
are you coming along today?
Bernard
Me? Very good. (sighing) Except that I'm a bell, Dr. Watson.
Watson
Oh? I don't think Dr. Freud ever had a patient who thought he was a
bell. A wolf—he had a patient who thought he was a wolf.
Bernard
I'm not a wolf.
Watson
That complicates matters.
Bernard
Although my wife said I was.
Watson
Perhaps you dreamed about being a wolf.
Bernard
Never. I never was a wolf and I never dreamed about being one.
Watson
You're not being very helpful.
Bernard
On even days, I'm a bell.
Watson (disgusted)
A bell still.
Bernard (indignantly)
Not just any bell.
Watson
You're a special bell?
Bernard
The Liberty Bell.
Watson (hopefully)
And on odd days?
Bernard
On odd days, I'm parchment.
Watson (unable to restrain his disappointment)
Shit!
Bernard
No, not toiled paper: parchment.
Watson (furious, with great contempt)
The Declaration of Independence, perhaps?
Bernard (pleasantly)
Not at all. The Magna Carta.
Watson
It's unusual. Most of my patients think they're someone else.
Bernard
Like Simpson, who thinks he's Henry the Eighth?
Watson
Exactly.
Bernard
But I know exactly who I am. I am Bernard Peterson and I live at
1182 Nicholson Lane. I'm a painter by profession. I am married and
thirty- eight years old. My wife is a journalist. You see, I know who I
am.
Watson
Yes.
Bernard
It's just that sometimes I'm a bell and sometimes I'm parchment.
Watson
Yes. Instead of thinking you're someone else, you think you're
something else.
Bernard
You've got it.
Watson
And you're not just one thing.
Bernard
Precisely.
Watson
Instead of a split personality, you have a split substance as it
were, a dual substantiality as a philosopher might say.
Bernard
It's very disconcerting.
Watson
Is it?
Bernard
Well, of course. To know who you are, but not what you are.
Watson
Have you ever dreamed that—
Bernard
I never remember my dreams, Dr. Freud. (Watson smiles) I mean, Dr.
Watson—please forgive—
Watson (beaming)
Think nothing of it. A natural mistake. (looking at the painting)
Perhaps we can get at your inner thoughts through your art. (Watson is
speaking more and more with a Viennese accent) You're not a modern
eccentric, I can see that. Now tell me what you think this represents,
ach?
Bernard
A pure tone! Like a bell. It's meant to describe resonance.
Resonance abounding.
Watson
Ach, ach— So, now we are getting somewhere. And this reminds you
of making love to your mother, nein?
Bernard
Nein. It reminds me of innocence.
Watson
Hmmm! You're a tough one, a very tough one. By the way, one of your
colleagues is here to see you. That's what I came to tell you, but I
forgot.
Bernard (cagily)
He can come in. But tell him to speak softly.
Watson
Why? So as not to disturb your dreams about your mother?
Bernard
No, no. A bell is a very sensitive instrument. I don't want to
acquire any more cracks, you know.
Watson
Ach—
Bernard
I might break.
Watson
You know you're never going to get better so long as you keep
denying your relationship to your mother. Why not confess to me—
Bernard
Who is it?
Watson (slowly)
Lattimore. (watching him closely) A friend of yours. (triumphantly)
And of your mother's!
Bernard
How could I forget old Lattimore! Poor fellow's a miserable married
man.
Watson
No reason to abuse him. You're jealous, of course.
(Bernard stares at Watson.)
Watson
Because of his relationship to your mother.
Bernard
Nonsense. It's the simple truth.
Watson
Why speak the simple truth about someone for no reason? Nobody does
that. You must have a reason. You hate him because your mother liked
him—
Bernard
My mother did not especially like him.
Watson
The first phase is always denial. (looking at his watch) Your fifty
minutes is up for today. I will send your friend to you. Best not to go
into this business about being a bell or a parchment. He's a bit
impressionable, and rather uneasy about being in a place like this.
Very nervous. Can I count on your discretion?
Bernard
Of course.
Watson (going out)
Come in, Mr. Lattimore.
Lattimore (enters warily, looks around, checking for a way to
escape)
It's me, Bernie.
Watson
I'll leave you.
Lattimore (uneasy)
You're not going to leave us, are you, Doctor?
Watson
You must have many things to discuss.
Lattimore (nervously)
Not really.
Bernard
Really.
Lattimore
Err—hello, Bernie.
Bernard
I'm a bell, a sonorous bell.
Lattimore (stepping behind the doctor)
Hello, Bell. Really, you won't leave us, Doctor? I can only stay a
minute—and—and—I might upset the pa—I mean I might lose my way and
not be able to find my way out.
Watson (disengaging himself)
Just ring. An orderly will come and let you out. Tomorrow,
Bernard— Mr. Lattimore. (escaping from Lattimore)
Lattimore (in a weak voice)
Really, Doc—you ought to stay. (desperately) Doc!
(Exit Watson.)
Bernard
Good to see you, Vic.
Lattimore (with patently false bonhomie)
Ah, you recognize me. You look fine, old boy. Fine. I brought you
some popcorn—would you like some?
Bernard
I hate popcorn.
Lattimore (confused)
But Marsha always said you loved popcorn.
Bernard
Marsha loved popcorn. She was always stuffing me with it.
Lattimore (edging towards the door)
Oh.
Bernard
She bought it for herself. But, thanks all the same. I never
expected to see you. Splendid of you.
Lattimore (sounding unnatural)
We're old friends, aren't we? It's natural.
Bernard
And daring!
Lattimore
Daring?
Bernard
For you.
Lattimore
Look, there's no reason to be like that just because you don't like
the popcorn. Next time I'll bring—ah—ah, M &M's.
Bernard
Don't be so frightened, you idiot.
Lattimore
Me, frightened? Why should I be frightened? Ridiculous, me
frightened.
Bernard (looking around craftily)
Shh! Wait. (peeking behind the door) Nobody's listening.
Lattimore (to himself, terrified)
Crazy as a coot.
(Bernard places his hand on Lattimore's shoulder. Lattimore cringes.)
Bernard
Look, Vic, I'm sorry for you. I told you not to be afraid.
Lattimore (wildly)
I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid.
Bernard (secretively)
I'm not crazy. Shh!
Lattimore (jelly-like)
Of course not.
Bernard
Vic, I swear to you that I am not crazy.
Lattimore
You're a little eccentric—like most artists—that's all. A little
rest—a little electric shock.
Bernard
Let me prove it to you.
Lattimore
Oh, don't bother.
Bernard
Vic, I know I'm not a bell. I'm like you and everybody else. Flesh
and blood. Fully conscious. I'm giving Dr. Watson, who really thinks
he's Dr. Freud, a crock of shit. Don't you believe me?
Lattimore
I believe you! I believe you.
Bernard
Bah! You're humoring me.
Lattimore
Don't be unfair, Bernie. I came here to find out how you are. You
had a (searching for an appropriate euphemism) crisis—not really a
breakdown. It's over. Very soon, I'll come back and take you home.
Bernard
No way!
Lattimore
No way? You know where you are?
Bernard
In Dr. Watson's Sanatorium.
Lattimore
Well then?
Bernard
Have a cigarette. I'm going to light up and enlighten you, but only
if you promise to keep my secret. Word of honor.
Lattimore
Scout's oath.
Bernard
What do you think of the place?
Lattimore (appraisingly)
Nice—very nice—as such places go.
Bernard
Isn't it? It's quiet. Orderlies are o.k., if you tip them. It's
like an artists' colony.
Lattimore
And the weirdoes?
Bernard
Bah! You always meet a few weirdoes in life. Most of them are
outside, you know. And they're usually more dangerous. Here I've got
relationships. There's an old guy who thinks he's Henry the Eighth. He
just made me a Knight of Malta—Commander, I think—and he always buys
my paintings. I never thought about being a Knight of Malta. Sounds
good to me. Who wants to be like everybody else?
Lattimore
But this Henry the Eighth is a wacko.
Bernard
I don't deny that. But some of my best friends are wackos. (gesture
from Lattimore) Wackos are just like everybody else—except they're not
ashamed to pretend their dreams are real.
Lattimore
You don't mind being surrounded by nuts?
Bernard
Not at all. They're nice people, especially if you go along with
their little games.
Lattimore
I don't see why you find life here so attractive that you don't
want to leave.
Bernard
Because I'm perfectly free here. Nobody bothers me. Get
that—nobody!
Lattimore
Bernie, listen, I'll admit I was afraid coming to see you at this
funny farm. But you're just like you always were. You've been ill—a
breakdown—a thing that's over and done with. I'll have you out of here
by morning, I swear it.
Bernard
You always were dense, Vic. I have no intention of leaving.
Lattimore
No intention of leaving?
Bernard
None at all.
Lattimore
You want to stay here?
Bernard
That's what I'm telling you. That's what I've been telling you.
Lattimore
Why?
Bernard
Because otherwise I'd have to go home to Marsha.
Lattimore
Well, no wonder. Of course, it's Marsha. (as if he understands
completely) I don't blame you a bit.
Bernard
Marsha. Brr! The very name gives me a chill. Look—understand. If
I'm crazy, I can remain here at peace, and alone. If I'm cured, if I
admit I'm not sick, then I have to go back to see her, to listen to
her, to live with her. I haven't seen her in six months. And for six
months I've been happy!
Lattimore
Happy?
Bernard
Do you know what happy means?
Lattimore
Well, I used to think I did, but I'm not so sure any more. What is
happiness, Bernie?
Bernard
Happiness is a room—any room—without Marsha.
Lattimore
You mean that you're staying here of your own free will?
Bernard
Of my own glorious, free, unencumbered will! I can breathe. I've
never been more free. You remember what Marsha was like?
Lattimore
Yes.
Bernard
How she cried.
Lattimore (considering)
She did cry a lot.
Bernard
How she liked to fight—over nothing.
Lattimore
She did fight a lot.
Bernard
How she got jealous.
Lattimore
She did get jealous.
Bernard
She gave me terrible headaches. I couldn't work.
Lattimore
Why didn't you get a divorce?
Bernard
How could I divorce her? After all, I was in love with her.
Lattimore
But, after what you just said—
Bernard
I didn't say I didn't love her. She drove me crazy, that's all.
Lattimore
I think I understand. She was loyal, charming, chaste—
Bernard
All the more admirable since no one suspected her of it.
Lattimore
Don't blaspheme.
Bernard
I can say what I want in this place. Anyway, one day I failed in a
suicide attempt.
Lattimore
Are you putting me on?
Bernard
No. But I couldn't do it. I felt my life was useless. And useless
for me to live with Marsha. And yet, I love life. I'm a creator, an
artist, and life provides so many opportunities. I'm never bored. I
even like silence. But ever since I've lived with Marsha my ears have
been tortured with her constant whinings and complainings. I was
condemned to Marsha for life. Then I had an idea. I read about this
place in the papers.
Lattimore
All the advantages of a prison with none of the inconveniences.
Bernard
And the fair prospect of finishing the rest of my life without
disturbance from my wife. So, one morning, as Marsha was putting on her
make-up—
Lattimore
You told her you were Napoleon Bonaparte.
Bernard
No, no. Marsha is Jewish. I told her I was Adolf Hitler. And bit by
bit I added little embellishments.
Lattimore
And how did she react to that? It was a low blow.
Bernard
She said: “Stop kidding around.”
Lattimore
It didn't work?
Bernard
It took time. I kept telling her that I was fantasizing about
decapitating women—and that I wanted her to assist me.
Lattimore
What did she say to that?
Bernard
She said: “Get dressed or we're going to have trouble.” It wasn't
easy, but I kept it up for several days. I refused to put on my
clothes. Finally, she was convinced I was having a breakdown. And so,
here I am in paradise.
Lattimore
But what about Marsha?
Bernard
They let her come to see me twice a week now. For ten minutes. If
she stays longer I start acting funny and they make her go. In fact,
she's going to be here soon. She brings me cigarettes and candy. While
I rave she unburdens herself of her little domestic anecdotes. We don't
listen to each other. We sort of make noises in each other's presence.
That's the way it always was—only now it only lasts ten minutes twice
a week. Then she packs up and I appreciate this place even more.
Lattimore
I wonder how I'd like it here? And you never intend to leave?
Bernard
What for?
Lattimore
What for? (thoughtfully) And your doctor?
Bernard
Dr. Watson comes to see me. I ask him about Sherlock Holmes. He
laughs, starts talking about Dr. Freud. He asks me how I feel. I tell
him just like a bell. Sound as a bell. I leave it at that. I don't
improve. I don't get worse. And he's happy. If I got worse, he'd be
upset. So I am always the same. Speaking of someone who is always the
same, how's the missus?
Lattimore
She comes and goes—comes and goes—frequently. (musing) Is it
expensive here?
Bernard
Not for me. My health insurance pays for most of it.
Lattimore
Interesting. Who's your carrier?
Bernard
Metropolitan.
Lattimore (plainly delighted)
By jingo! I'm covered by Metropolitan, too!
Bernard
I probably shouldn't have told you—
Lattimore
Why not, why not? I'm your best friend, right? Why should there be
any secrets? Especially about a matter of such—err, vital concern—to
one's mental health, peace of mind, and all that. The entrance exam
doesn't seem to be difficult. (looking around) It really is nice here!
Bernard
There's an empty room across the hall. (knocking) Someone's
coming— (furtively) Mum's the word.
Lattimore (grasping Bernard's hand conspiratorially)
Mum's the word, old buddy. I'm going.
Bernard
Dum de dum dum. (slyly) It's Marsha. COME IN!
(Enter Marsha, a woman a little younger than Bernard. Not bad-looking in a domestic sort of way, but a woman who does not care too much for her appearance.)
Marsha (not very friendly)
Well, I didn't expect to meet you today, Mr. Lattimore.
Lattimore (cordially)
Delighted. Hope you are in good health.
Bernard (sensing trouble)
A bell. Bong! Bong! BONG!
Marsha (suspicious, she suspects she's being kept in the dark)
Why did you come here?
Lattimore (innocently)
To see Bernie.
Marsha (with implied menace)
You shouldn't stay long. He needs rest.
Bernie (with a conspiratorial wink)
BONG!
Lattimore
I'm just going.
Bernie
Bong! BONG!
Marsha
Well, I hope to see you again. (meaning not for a good long while,
Mr. Lattimore) But—things are so difficult when one is married.
(bringing up a sore point) Does your wife still like to dance?
Lattimore (wincing)
Always!
Marsha (sweetly)
She's energetic.
Bernie
Silence everyone, I'm going to peal!
Lattimore
Bye, old buddy. See you soon.
Marsha
Soon? No.
Bernie
Please give my humble service to Her Majesty, the Queen of Poland—
when next you see her.
Lattimore (with a wink to Marsha implying Bernie is crazy and a
covert
conspiratorial wink to Bernie) I won't forget. Good evening,
Marsha.
(Exit Lattimore.)
Marsha (not necessarily waiting to find out if Lattimore is out of
earshot) Good riddance! I can't stand that man. Do you want me to
tell you why?
Bernie (with great detachment)
Not at all.
Marsha (paying not the slightest attention)
You see, I know about his wife.
Bernie (trying to disconcert her)
The Queen of Poland?
Marsha
A woman's sin is always the same as a man's. I can speak freely
because I've never fooled around on you myself.
Bernie (gritting his teeth)
Careful!
Marsha
What?
Bernie
A false note and I might shatter.
Marsha
You irritate me.
Bernie
We'll see about that. B O N G !
Marsha (hastily)
Now, don't go off on me. Here, I brought you your candy and
cigarettes.
Bernie
Thank you O beauteous Queen of Sheba.
Marsha (shrugging her shoulders)
The Queen of Sheba now.
Bernie (backing away)
Don't get too close.
Marsha
Are you a bell today?
Bernie
You might shatter me.
Marsha (angrily)
They've got to put your head back together again. Who put that
crazy idea in your head that you're some kind of a bell?
Bernie
It's not crazy. Bong. Bong. Can't you see I'm a bell. Listen up,
woman.
Marsha
And tomorrow you'll be some sort of parchment?
Bernie
Likely.
Marsha (annoyed
But, you fool, if you were a bell or a parchment, you wouldn't be
alive. You wouldn't be married to me.
Bernie
That's easy for you to say. (significantly) I know! I'm the only
one who really knows what's going on. What do you suppose you really
are?
Marsha (astounded)
Me? I'm me, of course.
Bernie
No, Marsha. You're lipstick.
Marsha
Lipstick. You're crazy. You never could carry on a conversation,
but now you're totally impossible. You never ask me how things are
going at home. (Bernie smiles knowingly) I threw the maid out the
door—
Bernie (trying to stop her)
Bong! Bong! Bong!
Marsha
Yesterday, I put the remains of the sauce in the buffet. Fine. What
do I see? She put turkey stuffing with the potato salad. Can you
imagine? I said: “Bessie—”
Bernie
No—
Marsha
I said: “Bessie, don't pretend you didn't do it. You put the
stuffing with the potato salad!” Well, can you believe—she tried to
deny it. She said: “Oh no, Ma'am, I did not.” Can you believe that? So
I said: “Bessie—”
Bernie
Enough!
Marsha
“Bessie, don't lie to me,” and she said:—
Bernie
Stop, Jezebel! This story is upsetting me. My jaw is stiff! My hair
is standing on end. I want you to go. Go away, Marsha, go away. (Marsha
looks right at him and begins to remove her coat with extraordinary
tranquility) DON'T YOU DARE TAKE OFF YOUR COAT!
Marsha
I do so dare!
Bernie (wildly)
You've been here too long. Too long! They're going to make you go
any minute.
Marsha
Bernie, are you lucid?
Bernie
Clear as a bell.
Marsha (doubtfully)
Are you positive?
Bernie
Lucid. Transparent. You can see my clapper.
Marsha
Stay that way. I've got a surprise for you.
Bernie
No surprises. Surprises give me a pain.
Marsha (embracing him)
Hold me!
Bernie (giving her a quick hug)
There! Bye, bye.
Marsha
No bye-bye.
Bernie
Sorry you have to go.
Marsha
No, I don't.
Bernie
Huh?
Marsha
Great news, sweetheart, we're never going to part again.
Bernie
Nonsense.
Marsha
Let me explain.
Bernie
Bong. I understand without your telling me. Bong. You see me like
this, and then—and then suddenly I have this evil fantasy. I want to
decapitate a woman while running around naked. (starting to remove his
shirt)
Marsha
You're cute naked—
Bernie (pulling a set of official papers out of a drawer)
Read these rules. Two visits per week. Thirty minutes per visit.
Doctor's orders. The Doctor will get mad. See you next week, baby.
Marsha
Are you going to let me explain?
Bernie
No.
Marsha
I said before that we're never going to part again.
Bernie
I don't want to come home.
Marsha
Who said anything about your coming home, silly? I'm coming to stay
with you.
Bernie (smugly, quite confident it's impossible)
You can't. It's against the rules.
Marsha
Rules! Shit!
Bernie
Shit yourself. They won't let you. So there!
Marsha
We'll see about that.
Bernie
Madame, this is not an hotel.
Marsha
Queen Jezebel to you.
Bernie
Begone from Israel, O Harlot Queen, lest evil befall you. Get out.
Begone! Begone!
(Marsha calmly rings for an orderly.)
Bernie (instantly aware of danger)
Why are you calling for an orderly?
Marsha
I want to see the Doctor. You see, one night I couldn't sleep. I
was mad at you. I had an idea. (pulls a flashlight out of her bag)
Bernie (nervously)
What's that?
Marsha
A torch.
Bernie
What is all this?
Marsha
You'll see soon enough. There's an empty room across the hall. I'm
going to take it.
Bernie
You? No!
Marsha
Me! Yes! And then we can be together again. I'm not worldly. I've
seen enough plays, been to enough social events. I don't even like
television. So, I'm going to retire—with you!
Bernie
Now, wait a minute.
Marsha
It will be like a second honeymoon.
Bernie
Now, you just stop right now.
Marsha
Only it will be better than a second honeymoon. It will never end.
Bernie
It's against the law. It's strictly forbidden. It's bad for my
mental state. Out Jezebel!
Marsha
No more maids to put stuffing in the potato salad. It will be like
a dream.
Bernie
A dream!
Marsha
Shh! Not another word. Here comes the Doctor. Now, watch and see
how smart your little wifey is.
(Enter Dr. Watson.)
Watson
Is something wrong?
Marsha (in a strange voice)
Where am I?
Watson
Excuse me?
Marsha
Where am I?
Bernie
Pay no attention, Doctor. It's a joke. A sick joke.
Watson (professionally)
Wait, please. Let her speak.
Marsha (brandishing her flashlight which she has now turned on)
Give me your poor, your wretched—
Bernie (anxiously)
Don't listen to her, Doc. She's doing this to annoy me.
Marsha.
I'm the Lady? Right, Doctor?
Bernie (scornfully)
You'd have to be a pretty stupid doctor to be fooled by a childish
prank like this. (then, frightened, he realizes the doctor would have
to be pretty stupid to be taken in by his ploy) That is to say—
Marsha
The husband is the Liberty Bell, and the wife is the Statue of
Liberty.
Watson
Very likely. Who else would marry a bell? Who but a bell would
marry a statue?
Bernie (helplessly)
He's a flaming idiot!
Marsha
I brandish my torch. Where is my room?
Watson
I'll arrange everything. You just wait.
Marsha
I am forever. I am eternal.
Watson
Be right back. Don't go anywhere. What an interesting case. Dr.
Freud never had anything like this.
(Exit Dr. Watson.)
Marsha (putting out her flashlight)
You see how easy it is!
Bernie
Shame on you! To make a fool of the good doctor.
Marsha (innocently)
Have I done anything wrong? I ask myself why I didn't do it sooner?
I was wasting away without you. (hugging him) We'll be as snug as two
bugs in a rug! From time to time I'll be Miss Liberty.
Bernie
But think of the expense!
Marsha
Bah! The insurance will pay.
Bernie
Besides, men are kept apart from the women patients.
Marsha
They'll make an exception for a married couple.
Bernie (in agony)
No.
Marsha (joyfully)
Yes! This place needs a little cleaning. You're such a slob,
Bernie.
(Marsha starts rearranging things, much to Bernie's horror.)
Bernie
What are you doing?
Marsha (moving his easel)
Cleaning up a little.
Bernie
Don't you touch my stuff!
Marsha
Phew! It smells bad in here. You were smoking with that bastard
Lattimore.
Bernie
So what?
Marsha
Give me that damn pipe.
Bernie
Don't you touch me. I'm a bell.
Marsha
I don't give a damn.
Bernie
Bong!
Marsha
That was okay when I was only staying for a half hour. But not any
more. The next time you become a bell, I'm going to smack you.
Bernie
I'm a parchment. I'm flaking. I'm dry. I'm combustible.
Marsha
And I'm going to kick you twice when you're a parchment.
(Reenter Dr. Watson.)
Watson
The room is ready. This way, please, Miss Liberty.
Marsha (pulling out her flashlight again and snapping it on)
I'm coming. I bring you light. Give me your poor. (to Bernie) After
lights out, I'll sneak in. (whispering romantically) We'll sleep in the
same bed.
(Marsha and Dr. Watson exit. Bernie runs and grabs Dr. Watson by his coattails.)
Bernie
Watson, a word, I beg.
Watson
What is it?
Bernie
Close the door.
Watson (humoring him)
All right. (closing the door) Now what?
Bernie (after some thought)
My wife is an impostor.
Watson
Really?
Bernie (significantly)
An impostor.
Watson
You're certain, my dear colleague?
Bernie
Very. She just now confessed that she's crazy to be with me.
Watson
She wouldn't be crazy except to be with you?
Bernie
Exactly.
Watson (somewhat peeved)
I didn't think you were so conceited.
Bernie
You don't understand. She's always trying to annoy me.
Watson
We'll look into that.
Bernie
You're not listening to me because you think I'm crazy. Well, it's
time to enlighten you: I AM NOT CRAZY!
Watson
Ha, ha.
Bernie
I only pretended to be crazy.
Watson
Why do that?
Bernie
So as to get away from my wife. But now that she's planning to
reside here, it's time to confess the truth.
Watson
So, as I understand it, you pretended insanity to get away from
your wife?
Bernie (folding his arms triumphantly)
A precise diagnosis.
Watson
And your wife, being lonely, is pretending to be crazy so she can
be with you?
Bernie
Exactly.
Watson
Then, neither one of you is crazy? Is that case, I'm going to
release you both.
Bernie
Now, wait a minute! You can't do that.
Watson
Why not? It's simple enough.
Bernie
Listen—I believe I'm a bell again. I'm going to ring immediately.
RING!
Watson
Very interesting, but I'm in a hurry—
Bernie
My wife, however, is very healthy. Very healthy.
Watson
At first glance. But I cannot deny I always thought she was a
little— not playing with a full deck, if you know what I mean.
Bernie
Her story doesn't hold water.
Watson
Does the business about being a bell or a parchment? Take a little
advice, my friend—
Bernie
What is it?
Watson
Take a nap. You'll feel better later. Right now, you bore me.
(Enter Marsha, somewhat disheveled, with a broom and mop.)
Marsha
Bernie, help me sweep up.
Bernie
It's starting again.
Marsha
What kind of cleaning staff do you have here, Doctor?
Bernie
You see, Doctor?
Marsha (seeing the Doctor and snapping on her flashlight)
Give me your poor—
Bernie
Don't listen, Doc. She's crazy, like me.
Watson
Exactly what I've been thinking.
Marsha
Give me your poor— (totally normal) Bernie, I want some help with
the dusting.
Bernie
Go home, Marsha. You'll keep it up until I scalp you.
Watson
Come on. (getting between them) That's enough.
Marsha
Here I am, carrying the torch, and the bastard wants to attack me.
Bernie
Put it out. People have seen enough.
Marsha
Who's boss here?
Bernie
I am.
Marsha (folding her arms)
Miss Liberty doesn't take orders from a Dumb Bell!
Bernie (also folding his arms)
Or a Liberty Bell from a dumb statue.
Marsha (kicking him)
Or a man who thinks he's a parchment.
Bernie
Bong. RING! BONG! RING!
Marsha (stamping her foot)
Give me your poor!
Watson (shaking her head)
An extremely contagious disease transmitted by marital
consanguinity. I'll call it—Bernard's Complaint!
(Enter Henry the VIII)
Henry
What a lot of noise. (stares at Marsha) It can't be! It's Anne
Boleyn! (rushes to her) Can you forgive me, Nan? I loved you best of
all my wives.
(Bernie shouts “Bong!” Marsha hits Henry the VIII on the head with her flashlight.)
Watson
Poor Dr. Freud. He never had a case like this.
CURTAIN FALLS AMID BEDLAM