Etext by Dagny
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C 1985 CHARACTERS:
The King
The Princess
The Frog
The Wizard
The Dowager
The Princess enters. She is a fully grown and voluptuous woman but she is dressed like a child in pigtails and a little child's dress. She has a big ball and a rattle and is playing with them by the pond. She comes in crying.
Princess
Wah, wah! Wah, wah!
Froggy
What's the matter, yer Highness?
Princess
I lost my pacifier. Wah.
Froggy (cagily)
Would ya like me to get if for ya, yer Majesty?
Princess (stops crying)
Would you do that? Oh, you sweet, darling frog. Lovey, lovey,
lovey.
Froggy
I might do it.
Princess
Oh, please, please, sweet little Froggy.
Froggy
It wouldn't be easy, you know.
Princess
Please, sweet little Froggy. I can't stand it without my pacifier.
Froggy
O.k. I'll do it for you, kid.
Princess
Lovem's.
Froggy
I wouldn't do it for just anybody.
Princess
But you'll do it for me, sweet Froggy.
Froggy
But, what would you do for me?
Princess
Oh, I'll give you a kiss.
Froggy
Not enough!
Princess
Why not enough? What are you after, buster?
Froggy
Suppose I want money?
Princess
I'll give you all the gold your little heart ever pined for.
Froggy
Nah! I don't want gold.
Princess
Then, what do you want, power? I'll tell Daddy to make you prime
minister.
Froggy
Would the King do that?
Princess
Daddy will do anything I tell him.
Froggy
Scout's honor?
Princess
Scout's honor.
Froggy
No. That's not what I want. I'll get your pacifier for you, but
only if I can come to dinner with you tonight and sleep in your bed.
Princess
You dirty little green thing. I knew it. I knew it. All you frogs
want the same thing from a Princess.
Froggy
If you are going to get abusive—
Princess
Frogs are all alike.
Froggy
Take it or leave it.
Princess
Wouldn't you rather have a big swimming pool or something, or a
harem of females?
Froggy
Dinner and bed.
Princess
You frogs always drive such hard bargains. God, it's hard to be a
Princess. Are you enchanted or something?
Froggy
I won't answer that question. You pays your penny and you takes
your chances.
Princess
But, if you were a Prince or something, it would be so romantic.
Froggy
I regard this as strictly a business proposition.
Princess
Well, all right, I'll do it. But Daddy's not going to like it.
Froggy
Why not? It's happened in some of the best kingdoms.
Princess
Well, you see, Daddy wants to marry me to some sniveling little
Prince or something dreadful like that and he's invited just about
everybody. He's trying to start a contest for my hand. The trouble is,
they're all wimps. So well brought up, you know, and barely out of
diapers.
Froggy
My presence will cause a sensation, if nothing else.
Princess
You know, you're right. I'll do it.
Froggy
It's a deal.
(The Frog goes out and returns quickly with a huge pacifier which the Princess embraces and immediately begins lapping and kissing.)
Princess
Izzums safe. Izzums come back to Mommy. Naughty thing.
Frog
Er—what time is dinner, yer Majesty?
Princess
Eight o'clock sharp. Don't dress.
BLACKOUT
A hallway in the Palace outside the Royal Dining Hall. The King, his crown askew comes out, followed by the Royal Wizard who looks frightened.
Wizard
But, your Majesty, it is not my fault.
King
I am going to revive the Royal Edict about sorcery. It's salutary
provisions have been neglected too long.
Wizard (outraged)
That law hasn't been enforced in centuries.
King
It's about time it was respected. Simple rules are good rules. All
witches and sorcerers are to be burned at the stake. Mind that. Burned
at the stake.
Wizard
A product of the Dark Ages! I thought your Majesty was more
enlightened. Besides, there have always been exceptions for the Court
Sorcerer. It is well known that all laws are subject to reasonable
exceptions.
King
The law says “all sorcerers.” I know where to start looking. Now, I
don't like that little joke. We are not amused.
Wizard
I had nothing to do with it.
King
Well, who the hell did?
Wizard
Search me.
King
I counted everybody. It's not one of us.
Wizard
It must be the work of some witch or something.
King
Well, can't you change him back to whatever he was before? It's
damned embarrassing having a frog show up to dinner when you're trying
to start a contest for the hand of your only daughter. I mean, he
ordered a plate of flies!
Wizard
I'll do my best. Shh! Cheese it! He's coming.
(Enter the frog with a huge cocktail glass. He is looking rather happy.)
Froggy
Evening, yer Majesty. Merry Christmas.
King
Good evening, my dear sir. Delighted to have you with us, my dear
fellow. Did you enjoy your meal?
Froggy
Finest kind.
King
Cook had a little difficulty catching them, but I'll tell him you
enjoyed it.
Froggy
Immensely.
(The Wizard is making passes around the Frog and endeavouring not to be noticed.)
Froggy
Here now, what are you trying to do, mate?
Wizard
Oh, just making a pass.
Froggy
What kind of frog do you think I am, anyway? You'd better keep an
eye on this fellow, yer Majeshtee. (gulps) Rivet. Oh, excuse me, I'm a
little drunk.
King
It's too bad you're leaving so soon.
Froggy
I ain't leaving yet. Party ain't over.
King
Staying long?
Froggy
Overnight.
Princess (entering)
It's a friend of mine, Daddy. Can he stay the night? Can he? Can
he?
King
Oh, all right. (aside to her) You do have a tendency to make
undesirable acquaintances, my dear. Heaven only knows what common pond
this frog came from. (aloud, sweetly) What was the promise my dear?
Princess
To have him to dinner with us—
Dowager (entering)
Was that all?
Princess (innocently)
And to sleep the night in my bed.
Dowager
I knew it. Hanky panky. That's all these young girls think of
today. Hanky panky.
Princess
I haven't done anything wrong. He saved my pacifier. And I love
him, so there.
Dowager
You will explain your disgraceful behaviour!
Princess
I will not. I can do what I want. I am the Princess.
Dowager
Are you going to just stand there and let her get away with it, you
spineless wretch?
King
Now, look here, Sis, I'm the King and I can have your head chopped
off.
Dowager
Just because you've got a pair of balls doesn't mean you've got any
balls.
Froggy (to the Wizard)
Hands off, you overgrown fairy.
Dowager
The only reason you're King is that Father forgot to make his will.
He was going to make me Queen because he knew I could govern.
King
Oh, shut up. You always were a pain in the ass!
Dowager
Well, I know my duty, even if you don't.
King
The Princess doesn't know. We never told her.
Dowager
Never told her!
King
Her mother didn't think it a proper story.
Dowager
It isn't a proper story. That's why everyone assumed she knew it.
Girls are so sly these days.
Princess (jumping up and down)
Will someone please tell me what's wrong! It's only a frog. I'm
sure he knows the proper thing to do in bed.
Dowager
Child! What are you saying? Wizard, did you laugh?
Wizard
I had a frog in my throat.
King
Now cut that out. (to Princess) Your Aunt is referring to a family
scandal. It happened once before. The frog turned into a prince—so you
see how it is.
Princess
That's what they all do, isn't it? What's wrong with that?
King
Well, once the frog got in bed with her, he or it, turned into a
man. A REAL MAN! If you know what I mean. You see, it broke the spell.
Princess
But, that's what's supposed to happen. Sounds romantic.
Dowager
In my day we were at least modest.
King
Were you? Before my time, of course.
Dowager
That cough of yours is very troublesome, Wizard.
King
This is a terrible thing to happen.
Dowager
It hasn't happened yet, and what's more, it won't.
Princess
I still don't understand.
Froggy
Look, dummy, they're afraid I'll have sex with you.
Princess
Sex? Yummy, yummy. I always wanted to have SEX.
Dowager
You see! You see!
King
Honey, maybe Daddy will buy you a new toy instead. How would you
like a big pacifier? Sugar-coated?
Princess
But, I've given my word. Did the Prince marry her?
Dowager (dolefully)
No. The just lived together.
Princess
Wow. I always wanted to live with somebody.
Dowager
You see what will happen if we don't protect the poor innocent.
Princess
If I can't take Froggy to bed I'll cry.
King
Well, honey, if you really want to.
Princess
I do, I do.
Dowager
I see your Majesty is bent on condoning your daughter's lack of
morals.
King
Watch it, Sis.
Dowager
Have you no sense of propriety at all? To take a strange Prince to
bed with you, without even having been properly introduced—I call that
lax.
King
A frog, Sis, a frog.
Dowager
You have no sense of history. If you did, you'd know that at the
moment the spell is broken, the Prince awakes with a huge—
Princess
What a mind you've got, Auntie. You think of everything.
Dowager
I do. I shall sleep in your room tonight, Miss.
Princess
What do you want to do that for?
Dowager
I have the most pressing reasons. I know what men are.
Princess
Not very likely.
Dowager (pulling the Princess out)
Come, child.
Princess
Wah, wah.
(The Dowager and Princess exit.)
BLACKOUT
The bedroom of the Princess. The Dowager is present, looking in the mirror and preening like a swan.
Dowager
My figure is still good.
(Enter Frog.)
Frog
Evening, old lady. Happy New Year.
Dowager
Amphibious wretch.
Frog
Watch what you say there, mama.
Dowager
Peeping tadpole.
Frog
What's your game?
Dowager
I'll teach you.
Frog
Rivet. Help! She's crazy.
Dowager
Rapist! Intrude on a lady in her nightdress.
(The Dowager chases the frog who jumps out of the window.)
Frog
Rivet. Rivet. AIIIEEE!
Dowager
If women would defend themselves the way I did, there wouldn't be
any hanky panky. A just reward for licentiousness.
(Enter Princess with her Teddy Bear.)
Princess
I'm sorry I'm late.
Dowager
Never mind, dear. Hurry up and get into bed.
Princess
Where's the frog? Did he come yet?
Dowager
He's not here.
Princess
I'd better call him.
Dowager
You'll do no such thing. A frog that can't turn up on time for bed
doesn't deserve to get any—
(A knock on the door.)
Princess
Come in.
Dowager
No one can come in!
(The King enters, accompanied by a frog.)
King
Hang it, Sis, I'm her father.
Dowager
I've always doubted that. Your wife was a sly one. Who's that?
King
The Frog, of course. Who does it look like? We've been getting on
beautifully. He's got a priceless story about a traveling knight and a
peasant's daughter.
Dowager
It!
King
It then! He was looking cold, so I—
Dowager
Really, your Majesty!
Princess
He'll be snug here. I'll keep you warm, Froggy, I mean your
Highness.
Dowager
Well, I never.
King
I'll just look in during the night. I'd like to know as soon as our
distinguished guest is himself again.
Dowager
Spending the night with strange frogs. Modern girls!
BLACKOUT
Another room in the King's palace. The King is alone and looks rather disheveled. The Princess invades the room. She no longer has her pacifier and her hair is not longer in pigtails. She looks her age.
Princess
Daddy, daddy, daddy—where is he?
King
Who
Princess
The Frog Prince. I had the most glorious dream about him. I dreamed
he took off all my clothes and then he—
King
Most extraordinary about that frog.
Princess
I just want to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. I woke up and he
was gone.
King
Such a lot of fuss about nothing. Really, your Aunt—
Princess
I know, I know. But what has happened?
King
The contest is off, of course.
Princess
Father, tell me where he is. I'm going crazy.
King
Bless me, don't you know?
Princess
Oh, I fell asleep and I dreamed the most beautiful hunk was making
love to me. But I woke up in a sweat and no one was there. Wah. Wah.
King
Well, about four o'clock this morning, the spell was broken and the
Frog assumed human form. And what a form.
Princess
Where is he? (jumping up and down) I want him now. I want him now.
Is he sinful? Are we going to have a scandal?
King
Well, yes, there's going to be a scandal.
Princess
Whee! Auntie will be so pleased.
King
You see, the Frog was not a prince after all.
Princess
Huh? He wasn't a peasant was he?
King
Oh, no.
Princess
Then, I don't care. I want him anyway.
King
Well, you can't have him. It was a Princess.
Princess
A Princess?
King
The loveliest Princess you ever did see. Auntie doesn't like her,
but you will. You'll love her.
Princess
I don't think I'm going to like her at all. I want a hunk. Where is
she?
King
She's—er—in my bed.
Princess
Father!
King
Yes, dear. I've been thinking about getting you a new mother for
some time now. Wouldn't you like to have a new mother?
Princess
No little bitch is going to scheme her way into this family by
pretending to be a frog and worming her way into your bed by getting in
bed with me!
King
You will not talk that way about your stepmother.
Princess
Stepmother! Over my dead body!
King
If you like. Don't forget I'm King and what I say goes.
Princess
Daddy!
King
But you'll like her. She knows the very latest racy stories. And
she knows all the new troubadours—every one, intimately. She'll be
more like a sister than a mother to you.
Woman's Voice
Darling, won't you hurry up?
King (straightening his crown)
Duty calls. Coming, my dear.
(Exit the King to his bedroom.)
Princess
Would you believe that!
(Enter Frog.)
Frog
Rivet.
Princess
Can't you keep your shape for one minute, Princess?
Frog
I ain't no Princess, I'm a Prince.
Princess
Really? You're sure?
Frog
Course I'm sure. It's me, Prince Floriman, don't you recognize me?
Princess
You don't look like yourself. But, what are you doing like that?
Frog
Well, the Wizard laid this spell on me. He couldn't change the
other frog back, so he tried changing me to human form, too, and then
he couldn't change me back. Stupidest sorcerer I've ever met.
Princess
Then, it wasn't you last night?
Frog
Certainly not. I went to your room, but before you got there, your
Aunt chased me out. She is one daffy bitch. Pushed me out the window. A
wonder I didn't kill myself.
Princess
You poor thing. But, you can't stay like this.
Frog
I not only can, but will, until the spell is broken.
Princess
How can that be done?
Frog
The idea is the same
Princess
Why, you little devil, you. You mean?
Frog
Bed and dinner.
Princess
We dine at eight. Don't dress.
(The Princess and the Frog go out together. The Dowager comes in and glowers at them.)
Dowager
Now she's got another one. I told him if they have one, they always
want more. I told him.
CURTAIN