FROGGY BY FRANK J. MORLOCK

FRANK J. MORLOCK

Etext by Dagny
  • Scene I.
  • Scene II.
  • Scene III.
  • Scene IV.
  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
    Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
    performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
    audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
    or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
    Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
    frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

    C 1985 CHARACTERS:
    The King
    The Princess
    The Frog
    The Wizard
    The Dowager

    Scene I.

    The Princess enters. She is a fully grown and voluptuous woman but she is dressed like a child in pigtails and a little child's dress. She has a big ball and a rattle and is playing with them by the pond. She comes in crying.

    Princess
    Wah, wah! Wah, wah!

    Froggy
    What's the matter, yer Highness?

    Princess
    I lost my pacifier. Wah.

    Froggy (cagily)
    Would ya like me to get if for ya, yer Majesty?

    Princess (stops crying)
    Would you do that? Oh, you sweet, darling frog. Lovey, lovey, lovey.

    Froggy
    I might do it.

    Princess
    Oh, please, please, sweet little Froggy.

    Froggy
    It wouldn't be easy, you know.

    Princess
    Please, sweet little Froggy. I can't stand it without my pacifier.

    Froggy
    O.k. I'll do it for you, kid.

    Princess
    Lovem's.

    Froggy
    I wouldn't do it for just anybody.

    Princess
    But you'll do it for me, sweet Froggy.

    Froggy
    But, what would you do for me?

    Princess
    Oh, I'll give you a kiss.

    Froggy
    Not enough!

    Princess
    Why not enough? What are you after, buster?

    Froggy
    Suppose I want money?

    Princess
    I'll give you all the gold your little heart ever pined for.

    Froggy
    Nah! I don't want gold.

    Princess
    Then, what do you want, power? I'll tell Daddy to make you prime minister.

    Froggy
    Would the King do that?

    Princess
    Daddy will do anything I tell him.

    Froggy
    Scout's honor?

    Princess
    Scout's honor.

    Froggy
    No. That's not what I want. I'll get your pacifier for you, but only if I can come to dinner with you tonight and sleep in your bed.

    Princess
    You dirty little green thing. I knew it. I knew it. All you frogs want the same thing from a Princess.

    Froggy
    If you are going to get abusive—

    Princess
    Frogs are all alike.

    Froggy
    Take it or leave it.

    Princess
    Wouldn't you rather have a big swimming pool or something, or a harem of females?

    Froggy
    Dinner and bed.

    Princess
    You frogs always drive such hard bargains. God, it's hard to be a Princess. Are you enchanted or something?

    Froggy
    I won't answer that question. You pays your penny and you takes your chances.

    Princess
    But, if you were a Prince or something, it would be so romantic.

    Froggy
    I regard this as strictly a business proposition.

    Princess
    Well, all right, I'll do it. But Daddy's not going to like it.

    Froggy
    Why not? It's happened in some of the best kingdoms.

    Princess
    Well, you see, Daddy wants to marry me to some sniveling little Prince or something dreadful like that and he's invited just about everybody. He's trying to start a contest for my hand. The trouble is, they're all wimps. So well brought up, you know, and barely out of diapers.

    Froggy
    My presence will cause a sensation, if nothing else.

    Princess
    You know, you're right. I'll do it.

    Froggy
    It's a deal.

    (The Frog goes out and returns quickly with a huge pacifier which the Princess embraces and immediately begins lapping and kissing.)

    Princess
    Izzums safe. Izzums come back to Mommy. Naughty thing.

    Frog
    Er—what time is dinner, yer Majesty?

    Princess
    Eight o'clock sharp. Don't dress.

    BLACKOUT

    Scene II.

    A hallway in the Palace outside the Royal Dining Hall. The King, his crown askew comes out, followed by the Royal Wizard who looks frightened.

    Wizard
    But, your Majesty, it is not my fault.

    King
    I am going to revive the Royal Edict about sorcery. It's salutary provisions have been neglected too long.

    Wizard (outraged)
    That law hasn't been enforced in centuries.

    King
    It's about time it was respected. Simple rules are good rules. All witches and sorcerers are to be burned at the stake. Mind that. Burned at the stake.

    Wizard
    A product of the Dark Ages! I thought your Majesty was more enlightened. Besides, there have always been exceptions for the Court Sorcerer. It is well known that all laws are subject to reasonable exceptions.

    King
    The law says “all sorcerers.” I know where to start looking. Now, I don't like that little joke. We are not amused.

    Wizard
    I had nothing to do with it.

    King
    Well, who the hell did?

    Wizard
    Search me.

    King
    I counted everybody. It's not one of us.

    Wizard
    It must be the work of some witch or something.

    King
    Well, can't you change him back to whatever he was before? It's damned embarrassing having a frog show up to dinner when you're trying to start a contest for the hand of your only daughter. I mean, he ordered a plate of flies!

    Wizard
    I'll do my best. Shh! Cheese it! He's coming.

    (Enter the frog with a huge cocktail glass. He is looking rather happy.)

    Froggy
    Evening, yer Majesty. Merry Christmas.

    King
    Good evening, my dear sir. Delighted to have you with us, my dear fellow. Did you enjoy your meal?

    Froggy
    Finest kind.

    King
    Cook had a little difficulty catching them, but I'll tell him you enjoyed it.

    Froggy
    Immensely.

    (The Wizard is making passes around the Frog and endeavouring not to be noticed.)

    Froggy
    Here now, what are you trying to do, mate?

    Wizard
    Oh, just making a pass.

    Froggy
    What kind of frog do you think I am, anyway? You'd better keep an eye on this fellow, yer Majeshtee. (gulps) Rivet. Oh, excuse me, I'm a little drunk.

    King
    It's too bad you're leaving so soon.

    Froggy
    I ain't leaving yet. Party ain't over.

    King
    Staying long?

    Froggy
    Overnight.

    Princess (entering)
    It's a friend of mine, Daddy. Can he stay the night? Can he? Can he?

    King
    Oh, all right. (aside to her) You do have a tendency to make undesirable acquaintances, my dear. Heaven only knows what common pond this frog came from. (aloud, sweetly) What was the promise my dear?

    Princess
    To have him to dinner with us—

    Dowager (entering)
    Was that all?

    Princess (innocently)
    And to sleep the night in my bed.

    Dowager
    I knew it. Hanky panky. That's all these young girls think of today. Hanky panky.

    Princess
    I haven't done anything wrong. He saved my pacifier. And I love him, so there.

    Dowager
    You will explain your disgraceful behaviour!

    Princess
    I will not. I can do what I want. I am the Princess.

    Dowager
    Are you going to just stand there and let her get away with it, you spineless wretch?

    King
    Now, look here, Sis, I'm the King and I can have your head chopped off.

    Dowager
    Just because you've got a pair of balls doesn't mean you've got any balls.

    Froggy (to the Wizard)
    Hands off, you overgrown fairy.

    Dowager
    The only reason you're King is that Father forgot to make his will. He was going to make me Queen because he knew I could govern.

    King
    Oh, shut up. You always were a pain in the ass!

    Dowager
    Well, I know my duty, even if you don't.

    King
    The Princess doesn't know. We never told her.

    Dowager
    Never told her!

    King
    Her mother didn't think it a proper story.

    Dowager
    It isn't a proper story. That's why everyone assumed she knew it. Girls are so sly these days.

    Princess (jumping up and down)
    Will someone please tell me what's wrong! It's only a frog. I'm sure he knows the proper thing to do in bed.

    Dowager
    Child! What are you saying? Wizard, did you laugh?

    Wizard
    I had a frog in my throat.

    King
    Now cut that out. (to Princess) Your Aunt is referring to a family scandal. It happened once before. The frog turned into a prince—so you see how it is.

    Princess
    That's what they all do, isn't it? What's wrong with that?

    King
    Well, once the frog got in bed with her, he or it, turned into a man. A REAL MAN! If you know what I mean. You see, it broke the spell.

    Princess
    But, that's what's supposed to happen. Sounds romantic.

    Dowager
    In my day we were at least modest.

    King
    Were you? Before my time, of course.

    Dowager
    That cough of yours is very troublesome, Wizard.

    King
    This is a terrible thing to happen.

    Dowager
    It hasn't happened yet, and what's more, it won't.

    Princess
    I still don't understand.

    Froggy
    Look, dummy, they're afraid I'll have sex with you.

    Princess
    Sex? Yummy, yummy. I always wanted to have SEX.

    Dowager
    You see! You see!

    King
    Honey, maybe Daddy will buy you a new toy instead. How would you like a big pacifier? Sugar-coated?

    Princess
    But, I've given my word. Did the Prince marry her?

    Dowager (dolefully)
    No. The just lived together.

    Princess
    Wow. I always wanted to live with somebody.

    Dowager
    You see what will happen if we don't protect the poor innocent.

    Princess
    If I can't take Froggy to bed I'll cry.

    King
    Well, honey, if you really want to.

    Princess
    I do, I do.

    Dowager
    I see your Majesty is bent on condoning your daughter's lack of morals.

    King
    Watch it, Sis.

    Dowager
    Have you no sense of propriety at all? To take a strange Prince to bed with you, without even having been properly introduced—I call that lax.

    King
    A frog, Sis, a frog.

    Dowager
    You have no sense of history. If you did, you'd know that at the moment the spell is broken, the Prince awakes with a huge—

    Princess
    What a mind you've got, Auntie. You think of everything.

    Dowager
    I do. I shall sleep in your room tonight, Miss.

    Princess
    What do you want to do that for?

    Dowager
    I have the most pressing reasons. I know what men are.

    Princess
    Not very likely.

    Dowager (pulling the Princess out)
    Come, child.

    Princess
    Wah, wah.

    (The Dowager and Princess exit.)

    BLACKOUT


    Scene III.

    The bedroom of the Princess. The Dowager is present, looking in the mirror and preening like a swan.

    Dowager
    My figure is still good.

    (Enter Frog.)

    Frog
    Evening, old lady. Happy New Year.

    Dowager
    Amphibious wretch.

    Frog
    Watch what you say there, mama.

    Dowager
    Peeping tadpole.

    Frog
    What's your game?

    Dowager
    I'll teach you.

    Frog
    Rivet. Help! She's crazy.

    Dowager
    Rapist! Intrude on a lady in her nightdress.

    (The Dowager chases the frog who jumps out of the window.)

    Frog
    Rivet. Rivet. AIIIEEE!

    Dowager
    If women would defend themselves the way I did, there wouldn't be any hanky panky. A just reward for licentiousness.

    (Enter Princess with her Teddy Bear.)

    Princess
    I'm sorry I'm late.

    Dowager
    Never mind, dear. Hurry up and get into bed.

    Princess
    Where's the frog? Did he come yet?

    Dowager
    He's not here.

    Princess
    I'd better call him.

    Dowager
    You'll do no such thing. A frog that can't turn up on time for bed doesn't deserve to get any—

    (A knock on the door.)

    Princess
    Come in.

    Dowager
    No one can come in!

    (The King enters, accompanied by a frog.)

    King
    Hang it, Sis, I'm her father.

    Dowager
    I've always doubted that. Your wife was a sly one. Who's that?

    King
    The Frog, of course. Who does it look like? We've been getting on beautifully. He's got a priceless story about a traveling knight and a peasant's daughter.

    Dowager
    It!

    King
    It then! He was looking cold, so I—

    Dowager
    Really, your Majesty!

    Princess
    He'll be snug here. I'll keep you warm, Froggy, I mean your Highness.

    Dowager
    Well, I never.

    King
    I'll just look in during the night. I'd like to know as soon as our distinguished guest is himself again.

    Dowager
    Spending the night with strange frogs. Modern girls!

    BLACKOUT


    Scene IV.

    Another room in the King's palace. The King is alone and looks rather disheveled. The Princess invades the room. She no longer has her pacifier and her hair is not longer in pigtails. She looks her age.

    Princess
    Daddy, daddy, daddy—where is he?

    King
    Who

    Princess
    The Frog Prince. I had the most glorious dream about him. I dreamed he took off all my clothes and then he—

    King
    Most extraordinary about that frog.

    Princess
    I just want to kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. I woke up and he was gone.

    King
    Such a lot of fuss about nothing. Really, your Aunt—

    Princess
    I know, I know. But what has happened?

    King
    The contest is off, of course.

    Princess
    Father, tell me where he is. I'm going crazy.

    King
    Bless me, don't you know?

    Princess
    Oh, I fell asleep and I dreamed the most beautiful hunk was making love to me. But I woke up in a sweat and no one was there. Wah. Wah.

    King
    Well, about four o'clock this morning, the spell was broken and the Frog assumed human form. And what a form.

    Princess
    Where is he? (jumping up and down) I want him now. I want him now. Is he sinful? Are we going to have a scandal?

    King
    Well, yes, there's going to be a scandal.

    Princess
    Whee! Auntie will be so pleased.

    King
    You see, the Frog was not a prince after all.

    Princess
    Huh? He wasn't a peasant was he?

    King
    Oh, no.

    Princess
    Then, I don't care. I want him anyway.

    King
    Well, you can't have him. It was a Princess.

    Princess
    A Princess?

    King
    The loveliest Princess you ever did see. Auntie doesn't like her, but you will. You'll love her.

    Princess
    I don't think I'm going to like her at all. I want a hunk. Where is she?

    King
    She's—er—in my bed.

    Princess
    Father!

    King
    Yes, dear. I've been thinking about getting you a new mother for some time now. Wouldn't you like to have a new mother?

    Princess
    No little bitch is going to scheme her way into this family by pretending to be a frog and worming her way into your bed by getting in bed with me!

    King
    You will not talk that way about your stepmother.

    Princess
    Stepmother! Over my dead body!

    King
    If you like. Don't forget I'm King and what I say goes.

    Princess
    Daddy!

    King
    But you'll like her. She knows the very latest racy stories. And she knows all the new troubadours—every one, intimately. She'll be more like a sister than a mother to you.

    Woman's Voice
    Darling, won't you hurry up?

    King (straightening his crown)
    Duty calls. Coming, my dear.

    (Exit the King to his bedroom.)

    Princess
    Would you believe that!

    (Enter Frog.)

    Frog
    Rivet.

    Princess
    Can't you keep your shape for one minute, Princess?

    Frog
    I ain't no Princess, I'm a Prince.

    Princess
    Really? You're sure?

    Frog
    Course I'm sure. It's me, Prince Floriman, don't you recognize me?

    Princess
    You don't look like yourself. But, what are you doing like that?

    Frog
    Well, the Wizard laid this spell on me. He couldn't change the other frog back, so he tried changing me to human form, too, and then he couldn't change me back. Stupidest sorcerer I've ever met.

    Princess
    Then, it wasn't you last night?

    Frog
    Certainly not. I went to your room, but before you got there, your Aunt chased me out. She is one daffy bitch. Pushed me out the window. A wonder I didn't kill myself.

    Princess
    You poor thing. But, you can't stay like this.

    Frog
    I not only can, but will, until the spell is broken.

    Princess
    How can that be done?

    Frog
    The idea is the same

    Princess
    Why, you little devil, you. You mean?

    Frog
    Bed and dinner.

    Princess
    We dine at eight. Don't dress.

    (The Princess and the Frog go out together. The Dowager comes in and glowers at them.)

    Dowager
    Now she's got another one. I told him if they have one, they always want more. I told him.

    CURTAIN