THE FARCE OF THE TWINS

An Anonymous 19th Century Play

EText by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

                   


              Translated and Adapted from the French by

                     Frank J. Morlock
                     C 1999


Characters:

Onesine

Madame Onesine
The Neighbor Lady
Gustave
Pilot
Neighbor Lady's Father
The Bandit


The stage represents a public square.

To the left Onesine's house; to the right the Neighbor Lady's house.
In the back a port with ships.

Onesine's door opens abruptly. A basket is thrown outside violently.

Madame Onesine (throwing her husband outside)
Go to the port and buy some fish—and make sure it's fresh! Go to the market and buy some vegetables—and make sure they're fresh, too. Go to the shoemaker, who by now has certainly resoled my shoes. Make sure they're like new. If not, watch out!

(Madame Onesine closes the door. Onesine picks up the basket.)

Onesine
What a life! I am responsible for the freshness of the fish, the vegetables and the shoes.

Madame Onesine (reopening the door)
And be quick about it, or watch out! (slams the door)

Onesine
If the fish haven't arrived, I'll really have to wait for it! Fish are not at my wife's disposition. Lucky fish—not like me!

Madame Onesine (reopening the door)
And don't go to the cabaret to get drunk as is your deplorable habit. If you do—watch out! (slams the door)

Onesine
Because I console myself with wine, she reproaches me for this pretty little sin! Isn't wine recommended by all doctors? And, moreover, isn't wine a moral support for a man who is not happy at home?

Madame Onesine (reopening the door)
Ah? Happily, you are still here. I had forgotten to tell you—go to the midwife!

Onesine
What? What? What?

Madame Onesine
Why are you staring?

Onesine
I'm staring? Me?

Madame Onesine
Yes, you are staring. There's nothing at which to stare.

Onesine
Why is it you want me to go to the midwife?

Madame Onesine
To ask her if my cousin has finally decided to put into the world that child she's been expecting for several months. (slams the door)

Onesine
The things I have to remember! The fish, the vegetables, the shoemaker, the midwife—the cousin's baby. I'm going to forget half of it. (starting to leave) But now I think of it, she didn't give me money. Should I ask her for it? It's a dangerous step. (turning back) I have to resign myself to it.

(Onesine knocks on the door. The door opens.)

Madame Onesine
What? You're still here? You're wasting time.

Onesine
My good friend, umm, umm—

Madame Onesine
What's gotten into you?

Onesine
It's—it's for—

Onesine
It's for! It's for! That doesn't mean anything.

Onesine
Yes. It means—money.

Madame Onesine
What money?

Onesine
Money to pay for the fish, vegetables, the repairs to your shoes.

Madame Onesine
Are you right in the head or is yesterday's wine still bothering your head?

Onesine
I am in my right head. There isn't any money.

Madame Onesine
And you imagine I am going to give you some?

Onesine
In general, merchants have to be paid.

Madame Onesine
I am honorably known by the merchants. They give me credit. I won't give you a farthing to make these purchases! From today on! I don't want our household funds to roll on the counters of the wretched shopkeepers.

Onesine
But, if they refuse me the merchandise?

Madame Onesine
Manage for yourself! Bring back what I've told you to—or watch out! (slams the door)

Onesine
Happily, I still have money from yesterday to go to the shopkeeper. I was trying to obtain a supplement. The situation is going to become tragic if she forces me to ask for credit. In the future, it will be impossible for me to shift accounts. I fear I am going to be forced to make some bad debts.

(The Neighbor Lady's window opens and she looks out.)

Neighbor Lady (in a choked voice)
Mr. Onesine, Mr. Onesine.

Onesine (aside)
What a charming apparition in that window.

Neighbor Lady (in a voice almost low)
Mr. Onesine, I was watching for you.

Onesine
That's very nice of you, Miss.

Neighbor Lady
You are such a gallant man.

Onesine
You confuse me, Miss. (aside) Charming—she is charming.

Neighbor Lady
Are you making purchases instead of your wife?

Onesine
Alas, yes, Miss.

Neighbor Lady
Would you do me a favor?

Onesine
Oh, yes, Miss.

Neighbor Lady
Go to the shoemaker. He must have finished repairing my shoes. Ask him for them and bring them to me, if you please.

Onesine
That will be a pleasure for me.

Neighbor Lady
Pay the shoemaker.

Onesine
That will be an honor for me.

Neighbor Lady
I will reimburse you.

Onesine
There's no hurry.

Neighbor Lady
Good accounts make good friends. Thanks in advance. (shuts the window)

Onesine
Charming, she is charming. Unfortunately, I'll need to pay for her repairs. That's going to make a hole in the little crown that remains to me. It's true she'll reimburse me. (going off) But, how will I explain to the shoemaker that I am not paying for my wife's repairs, but that I am paying for my neighbor's? That's going to seem odd to the shoemaker. What does it matter? She's charming, charming. Since, after having advanced the money to me, I'll still have enough to drink three or four glasses of wine.

(Onesine's voice is now lost. Soon, a character appears who looks just like Onesine, and, by some inexplicable coincidence, is dressed just like Onesine. He is accompanied by the pilot of the ship from which he has just debarked.)

Gustave
If I am to believe an anonymous letter, I ought to find my brother in this town. I will stay as long as need be to find him.

Pilot
Stay here the longest time possible, if you like. The later we go back on the boat, the better for me. Oh, I am heartsick.

Gustave
You, a sailor? Heartsick! Aren't you ashamed?

Pilot
Don't talk to me about it! I've been sailing forty years and for forty years I've been heartsick.

Gustave
Why not change your job?

Pilot
That's easy to say! Can one change one's profession at my age?

Gustave
Then, don't complain! On the boat you were complaining. I brought you ashore with me, and you're complaining again of being sick, that's tiresome!

Pilot
To whom are you talking? Nothing but thinking about waves. Oh, I feel sick.

Gustave
Well, think of something else. Think of a green prairie, think of dry land. That will restore your balance.

Pilot
I'm so used to pitching and rolling that I think I'm still there. Oh, the sea! You know, there are people who go to sea to enjoy the weather. They plunge right in—and then, there are others who write poetry about it.

(The Neighbor Lady appears in her window.)

Gustave
Oh, charming, she is charming.

Pilot
Violent, agitated, capricious—when she' calm, it's because she's preparing a dirty trick.

Gustave
You are off the mark. She's charming, completely charming.

Pilot
She horrifies me.

Gustave
You have no taste. Look her over carefully!

Pilot
I turn my back on her. From the first of January until Saint Sylvester, I don't see anything but the sea.

Gustave
You've got a one track mind! I wasn't talking to you about the sea.

Pilot
Ah, so much the better!

Gustave
I am talking to you about this young person who just opened her window and who is watering her flowers.

Pilot
You were telling me so much!

Gustave
Am I right or not?

Pilot
Doubtless! Doubtless! She's much more agreeable to look at than a spring tide.

Gustave
If bad luck prevents me from finding my brother, I'll have the joy of at least finding the woman of my dreams.

Pilot
How quickly you fall in love!

Gustave
Help me to attract her attention by prudent exclamations! Are you there?

Pilot
I am with you.

Gustave (yelling)
Hem! Hem!

Pilot (yelling)
Ho, ho! (aside) Oh, how bad I feel.

Neighbor Lady
Back already? How quick you've been! How eager you are! Throw me my shoes. I am very dexterous. I'll catch them in flight.

Gustave
Huh?

Neighbor Lady
It will be an innocent game and very amusing.

Gustave
I excuse myself for not really understanding very well what you are saying, divine creature.

Neighbor Lady
You love to joke! Come on. Show me my shoes!

Gustave
What shoes?

Neighbor Lady
You know very well what shoes!

Pilot (low)
She's like the sea. She is mad.

Gustave
Look, Miss. I hope you are—unmarried.

Neighbor Lady
Yes, sir.

Gustave
I beg you not to speak to me of shoes in this solemn moment when I am declaring to you that I am ready to dedicate all my life to you, to my very last hour.

Neighbor Lady
You are going a little far!

Gustave
Not at all! This is the lightning bolt! (kneeling) I fall to my knees at the door of your sacred dwelling, angel of beauty! Can you doubt the word of a man who speaks to you in such choice terms?

(Madame Onesine opens her door.)

Madame Onesine
Ha! Ha! I've caught you! Are you dishonoring me in the public square? You are paying court to this little chit?

Neighbor Lady
Oh, why look, my good woman—

Madame Onesine
Anyway, you're nothing yourself. You're a cad, a churl, a coward, a creature without shame and without any decency—twice a lecher and thrice an abominable rake!

(Gustave rises, astounded.)

Gustave
Madame, your lack of reserve is causing you to lose your wits.

Madame Onesine
And, to top it all—you're an idiot.

Neighbor Lady
Is it my fault such a wretched man has become an idiot in your company?

Gustave
Me? I've become an idiot in the company of this woman?

Madame Onesine
My little sweetie, the next time I meet you, I'll box your ears in public.

Neighbor Lady
And, as for me, my good woman, with one punch, one little punch, I'll knock out your false teeth.

Madame Onesine
My heart stands still! I'll tear those false pearls from your neck!

Neighbor Lady
I wear false pearls, like all women do. What of it? I have real ones in my mouth! Admire my beautiful smile and my shining teeth, my good woman.

Madame Onesine
Youth only lasts a season.

Pilot
They are demented by the sea. Oh, I'm seasick. I'm going to give up the ghost.

Gustave
There is certainly a simple misunderstanding.

Madame Onesine
A misunderstanding? How can you be so without conscience?

Gustave
Will you allow me to ask you respectfully—

Madame Onesine
There's no need for you to ask me something respectfully after I've caught you in immoral behavior.

Gustave
Would you please explain to me, I beg you, why you speak to me with such incredible familiarity?

Madame Onesine
He is crazy. Raving mad! Wine has rotted his brain. Under my very eyes, he pays assiduous court to a creature who is the shame of the neighborhood—

Gustave
How can you say that? She is charming, completely charming.

Madame Onesine
She's a chippy!

Voice of Neighbor Lady's father (inside)
What do these inhuman bawlings signify? Are we in a zoo?

Neighbor Lady
Come, papa! They are reviling me! (shuts the window)

Voice of Neighbor Lady's father (inside)
I'm coming.

Madame Onesine
As for me, I am retiring to my house with the dignity of an outraged wife. (slams her door violently)

Pilot
Let's get out of here, sir. The police may get involved in this and our papers are not in order.

Gustave
Pardon! I will show my anonymous letter.

Pilot
Believe me, that will only complicate matters. Be reasonable! We will return a bit later.

Gustave
Must I leave the light of my life over an incident as absurd as it is inexplicable?

Pilot
Follow me! The curiosity of the police always entails annoyance.

Gustave
You don't know what love is! You have no heart!

Pilot
What's that you say? Me, no heart? Oh, I'm seasick. Let's move on, sir. Ho, I'm queasy.

(Gustave and the Pilot move off and their voices are lost. The Neighbor Lady opens her door. The Neighbor Lady's Father comes outside.)

Father
The square is deserted. The whole world fled at my approach.

Neighbor Lady
Don't believe it! It was only a pretended exit. See, that Mr. Onesine is returning on his tracks.

(Indeed, Onesine comes in, basket in hand, a smile on his lips.)

Father
I am prey to a violent agitation. I feel that my face is scarlet and my eyes are casting lightning bolts. Moreover, a nervous trembling is agitating my corpulence. I am torn between the desire to punch Mr. Onesine and the fear of being punched by him.

Onesine (extending his hand)
Hello, my dear neighbor!

Father
Goodbye, neighbor. I don't know what prevents me from punching you.

Onesine
Punching me? Oh! What for?

Father
I prefer to go to the police!

Onesine
The police? Oh, what for?

Father
You live to find out.

Onesine
How cold he is.

(The Father goes off, gesticulating.)

Onesine
Ah! His daughter is in the window, watering her flowers. Charming. She is charming. Hum, hey, Miss, Miss. I can't understand your Father's behavior to me. Up until today, we've been good neighbors and now, suddenly—

Neighbor Lady
And right now! I order you not to say one word to me.

Onesine
How cold she is!

Neighbor Lady
It was a singular act of clumsiness for you to kneel under my window to utter burning proposals to me before the eyes of your wife who is quarrelsome.

Onesine
I was kneeling to you? Me? I was uttering burning proposals? Me?

Neighbor Lady
Don't add lies to your blunder. Let's finish. I already told you to throw me my shoes.

Onesine
When was that?

Neighbor Lady
Is this farce going to go on forever? Throw them to me, I tell you. I'll catch them in flight. I am very dexterous.

Onesine
Okay, Miss. One, two, three. Here they are. That's two and a half francs.

Madame Onesine (opening her door)
Ah, I've caught you at it! You are making serviceable gifts to this little chit.

Neighbor Lady
Serviceable gifts?

Madame Onesine
I don't have artificial eyes.

Neighbor Lady
Your eyes are not like your teeth, my good woman.

Madame Onesine
I'm talking to my husband, and not to you! Yes, yes, yes, Onesine, you begin with kneeling and you end with a pair of boots.

Onesine
First of all, they are not boots, just simple shoes.

Madame Onesine
You are playing with words.

Onesine
And, anyway, where is it I was kneeling. I have no memory of this kneeling.

Madame Onesine
Ah! Don't make my lose my self control. If I do, I'll twist my arms on the sill of our house and raise the entire village.

Neighbor Lady
This is too much. These shoes aren't even mine. I have a small pretty foot and I don't know what immense and ridiculous feet have deformed the shoes you bring me, Mr. Onesine! They must belong to your spouse. I am returning them to you. (hurling the shoes at his feet) And return mine to me!

Onesine
A simple mix-up, Miss, a simple mix-up. One, two, three—here are yours with all my apologies! That's two francs fifty.

Neighbor Lady (catching the shoes in flight)
There's no hurry. (slams her window shut)

Madame Onesine
The idyll turns bad! Ha! Ha! Ha! That was worth the trouble of kneeling and showing the whites of your eyes.

Onesine
This kneeling again!

Madame Onesine
Anyway, you exhibited yourself before a man who looked rather ill, had trouble standing and was nauseous.

Onesine
Me? I exhibited myself to a man who was nauseous?

Madame Onesine
You are a cad, a churl, a coward, a creature without shame, twice a lecher and three times an abominable rake.

Onesine
You exaggerate.

Madame Onesine
Give me my shoes and the basket of food.

Onesine
Here they are, my good wife.

Madame Onesine
And we are separated from now on. I forbid you to enter this house. (slams the door and bolts it)

Onesine
What's going to become of me? I have no more money. I spent what remained to me with the shop-keeper. The neighbor lady hasn't reimbursed me the two francs fifty for repairs. I don't know what to do. The inexplicable accusations of my wife and my neighbor have upset my understanding. Now, I have reason to think I'd have done better to remain a bachelor. I am going to wander around the town and, while wandering, lament over my misfortunes, hoping for better times.

(Onesine goes out left. From the right, Gustave is returning with the Pilot. From the left a nasty looking fellow enters. He's the bandit. He has a stick. He'd look formidable if he weren't weeping mournfully.)

Pilot
How pig-headed you are, sir, to return to where the police are going to come. It's madness.

Bandit
Oh, woe! Double woe!

Gustave
What's wrong with you, my poor man?

Bandit
Oh, woe, triple woe. How wretched I am.

Gustave
A sudden death has just saddened your family?

Bandit
Oh, woe, quadruple woe! How wretched I am.

Pilot
And me, how seasick I am.

Gustave
But, still, why are you crying?

Bandit
I'm not crying. I'm sobbing. Ah, sir, you seem like a brave man. Well, I'm going to tell you the whole story.

Gustave
Go ahead! Afterwards, I will tell you my misfortunes. That will be an exchange.

Bandit
Get hold of yourself, you are going to receive a shock!

Gustave
I'm listening.

Bandit
Sir, my wife has just run away from home.

Gustave
That's why you're sobbing?

Bandit
Such a saintly woman. Attached to me like a goat to its tether. Good, devoted, ready for every sacrifice.

Gustave
For a saintly person, she has some funny manners.

Bandit
It's because of the greatness of her soul that she left.

Gustave
From greatness of soul, she abandons her husband, who remains here like a poor lost idiot asking charity of the first passerby?

Bandit
She has reasons.

Gustave
You have a liberal point of view.

Bandit
What do you expect, sir? I am a thief.

Gustave
Ah! How horrible!

Pilot
Ho—I'm seasick.

(They recoil.)

Bandit
Don't go away from me disgusted, gentlemen. It's so nice to have confidants.

Gustave
After all, I don't have much money in my pocket. I have nothing to fear from you.

Bandit
How wrongly you judge me! What do you take me for? I never steal money, that's indecent.

Gustave
What do you steal?

Bandit (with dignity)
Children!

Gustave
Children! That's appalling!

Bandit
Not at all.

Gustave
Your soul is rotting.

Pilot
Oh, I'm seasick.

Bandit
I don't harm these little angels. While with me, they were in clover. My wife, who is a real champion, made cakes for them which they licked from their fingers. My house was a sort of pension like no other. Now that my wife is gone, my business is ruined! I will never find a cook like her.

Gustave
You call that a business?

Bandit
Why not? I asked ransom from the parents. That's not really bad. There were many of the children yearned for my wife's cakes after they left. Oh, why did she have to develop scruples today?

Gustave
Have you been practicing this business for a long while?

Bandit
Thirty years.

Gustave
Well, your wife took her time to develop scruples.

Bandit
The soul of a woman is an unfathomable abyss.

Gustave
In short, you are a monster.

Bandit
Oh! That's how you console me? Me, a monster?

Gustave
Now that I think of it, in my youth I had a twin brother who was kidnapped. They thought by a bandit. Perhaps you were that bandit.

Bandit
A bandit, me? I am sweet as a lamb and you insult me enormously.

Gustave
Think back carefully. Did you kidnap a child that resembled me? He was my twin.

Bandit
How can you expect me to remember? There were so many. And then, you know, children change as they grow.

Gustave (shaking him by the shoulders)
Wretch! Give me back my brother or I'll kill you!

Bandit
Don't cause a scandal in a public square! That will attract attention.

Gustave
I need a family, I tell you!

Bandit (unaware)
You take me at a disadvantage. Anyway, I'm not the only one who steals children.

Gustave
I am not going to release you! It's quite simple! If you don't find my brother for me, not only will I kill you, I will deliver your body to the police. You get it? The confession you just made me reminded me.

Bandit
What wretched chance put me on the road to the only man who's looking for a brother in this town? It's just my luck.

Gustave
No more talk!

Neighbor Lady (opening her window)
What's all this hullabaloo? Not satisfied with half insulting me, you come to dispute under my window with a gallows bird-looking-person?

Bandit
Gallows bird? Me? What injustice!

Pilot
Oh, I'm so seasick.

Neighbor Lady
That's going too far. I throw this flowerpot in your face.

(Gustave receives the flowerpot on his head and stumbles.)

Gustave
Yie! I'm seeing stars.

(Neighbor Lady shuts her window. Gustave takes the flowerpot and clasps it to his heart. Madame Onesine opens her door.)

Madame Onesine
Ah! I've caught you again. That little chit is sending you flowers.

Gustave
She sent me the pot specially.

Madame Onesine
That's well done! I see you are staying permanently in the square at my disposition. I forgot to have you buy some cheese. I cannot do without cheese! Run get some. I'll throw you twenty sous. Pick 'em up. (shuts her door)

Gustave
It's not a lot, but it's—

(Gustave picks up the twenty sous. The Father returns, headed home. He notices Gustave and looks him up and down.)

Father
If you can't see I'm casting disdainful looks at you, sir, it's because you're blind.

Gustave
Sir, your daughter threw a pot of flowers in my face. That's too unjust!

Father
The police will be here in a quarter of an hour and we shall see what we shall see. Good day, sir! (goes into his house)

Pilot
I beg you, Mr. Gustave, no affair with the police. Come! Thanks to the twenty sous from that old fool, you can go get your head fixed at an apothecary's.

Gustave
Oh! To leave this place where she sent me flowers!

Pilot
Come, sir, no sweet stuff. Your head's all bloody.

Bandit
Despite your ill words, I am following you—on account of the police coming here.

(They go off. Onesine enters at the back, looking as if he's in despair.)

Onesine
The approach of night plunges me into uncertainty. To be sure, my wife is not of an agreeable nature, but my house is comfortable. You always go back to a house where you've lived well.

Neighbor Lady (opening her window)
I've had enough of unseemly murmurings under my window.

Onesine
Charming. She is charming.

Neighbor Lady
Are you going to decamp?

Onesine
Not before being excused for my wife's behavior.

Neighbor Lady
You are no better than she is. A flowerpot doesn't suffice for you?

Onesine
What flowerpot?

(Onesine gets a flowerpot on his head and stumbles.)

Onesine
Yie! I'm seeing stars.

(The Neighbor Lady slams her window. Onesine clasps the pot to his heart. Madame Onesine opens her door.)

Madame Onesine
Ah! I've caught you again! She spends her time sending you flowers.

Onesine
She was sending me the pot special.

Madame Onesine
So much the worse for you. But, never mind that! Give me the cheese!

Onesine
What cheese?

Madame Onesine
Don't be an imbecile! You know quite well that I tossed you twenty sous just now.

Onesine
My head's on fire.

Madame Onesine
I want that cheese in two minutes or watch out! (slams the door)

Onesine
What's this about cheese? I'm swimming in an ocean of incomprehensible things.

(Gustave appears with the Pilot and the Bandit.)

Gustave
Even if I get five thousand flowerpots on my head, I will return to the window of this charming creature. Completely charming. Better to perish at the hands of the woman one loves than to live alone and without love! (noticing Onesine) Why, why, am I dreaming? Who is this other self?

Onesine
Am I dreaming? Who is this other self?

Gustave
Hum, say there, you—are you me?

Onesine
Hum, say, me—am I you?

Gustave
You—are you me?

Onesine
Me—am I you?

Gustave
You—are you me, am I you?

Onesine
Me—am I you, are you me?

Gustave and Onesine
Let's hug each other.

(Gustave and Onesine fall into each other's arms.)

Gustave
Gustave and Onesine—

Onesine
Onesine and Gustave have finally found each other again.

Gustave
And people condemn the authors of anonymous letters! I was informed you were living in this town! Dear Onesine, you were kidnapped from the affection of your whole family by this terrible animal here.

Bandit
Me? An animal? That's contrary to the truth!

Onesine
I wasn't kidnapped by anybody. I was bored at home. I ran away by myself.

Bandit
You see quite well, I am innocence itself. Ah, gentlemen, now that you've found each other, help me to find my wife.

Gustave
Yes, yes. We'll even give you a certificate of non-internment of a child to soften her up.

Onesine
What have you done since your childhood?

Gustave
I've been ruined several times. And, deciding to live comfortably, I set out to find you, to live at your expense, o my adored brother! (embracing Onesine)

Onesine
That's sweet of you. But, I no longer have a home! Here's my house. My wife has kicked me out.

Bandit
Oh, how unhappy husbands are!

Gustave
Ah, your wife, she's the lady who—

Onesine
Yes, she's the lady who—(Madame Onesine opens the door) She's the lady who's opening the door!

Madame Onesine
Onesine! Where's the cheese? Why, what's happening to me? I'm having an hallucination. An hallucination. I've got two husbands there. Everything is spinning around me! A doctor! A doctor!

Onesine
Listen, Gustave. Since we are alike, take my wife, if you please. No one will notice.

Gustave
Listen, Onesine, I really love you, but don't ask that of me.

Madame Onesine
Somebody support me! I am feeling ill.

Onesine
I am rushing to support you.

Madame Onesine
Onesine, the other one is more gallant than you.

Onesine
No, it's really I who am holding you.

Madame Onesine
I don't understand a thing.

Onesine
I've just found my twin who resembles me like a brother. Is that clear?

Madame Onesine
Ah, such a resemblance! That ought to be against the law. How will I know if it's your brother or if it's you?

Onesine
Oh, don't worry. He's more interested in the Neighbor Lady than in you.

Madame Onesine
This is incomprehensible!

(The Neighbor Lady opens her window. The father opens the door.)

Neighbor Lady and Father
What an uproar! What an uproar! What an uproar!

Neighbor Lady
If you don't shut up, I'll send you more flowerpots.

Father
I remember the police will be here any second.

Onesine
The police can only witness a touching event.

Neighbor Lady
I'm seeing double! I'm seeing double! I feel ill.

Madame Onesine
It's really her turn now, that little chit.

Gustave
O celestial apparition, all my thoughts fly towards you.

Neighbor Lady
Oh, Mr. Onesine, before your wife.

Onesine
It's not I who speak, it's Gustave.

Neighbor Lady
I don't understand a thing.

Gustave
I am the man who was kneeling before you.

Neighbor Lady
To have me insulted by a stupid woman.

Onesine
I am the man who was going to run your errands.

Neighbor Lady
You can send a man to find some shoes without being taken with him.

Gustave
You put me in despair! I am not Onesine, I am Gustave.

Neighbor Lady
Listen, Mr. Gustave, there's no use being in despair! Your brother doesn't please me at all. And you resemble him too much for me to ever want you. But, to console yourself, you have only to say to yourself it's really him I don't want.

All
Ho!

Pilot
Oh! I am seasick.


CURTAIN