ELEVEN DAYS OF SIEGE. A comedy in three acts

Jules Verne and Charles Wallut

EText by Dagny
  • ACT I
  • ACT II
  • ACT III
  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
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    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

                         Translated and adapted by

                         Frank J. Morlock
                         C 2003

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    ROQUEFEUILLE, notary

    ROBERT MAUBRAY, age thirty

    MAXIME DUVERNET, his friend

    BAPTISTE, servant

    LAURENCE, wife of Maubray, age twenty-two

    LEONIE DE VANVRES, her friend, age twenty-four

    THERESE, chamber maid

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    The action takes place in Paris in the 1860's.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    ACT I

    A room in Robert's home; doors to the right and left at the back; in the middle a chimney, a grandfather clock, vases of flowers, lighted candles; to the left a door, a round table; mid-stage a table, a bell, armchairs on each side, to the spectator's right, a door, a sofa.

    AT RISE, Baptiste comes through the door at the left, then listens at the door.

    BAPTISTE: You can hear them from here. (coming forward) My word! It's my opinion that when the masters are fighting at dinner, the servants are wise to get out. (Ringing. Shrugging his shoulders he sits on the sofa) It's true that complicates the service; you don't know if they are speaking seriously or joking. (More ringing) and you don't know what expression to wear, if you should smile or take on a grave manner.

    ROBERT: (entering) Ah! so this is the way you come when you are called?

    BAPTISTE: Sir, it's that --

    ROBERT: That'll do --Bring me my overcoat and my hat.

    (Laurence enters, dismisses Baptiste with a gesture; he bows slightly and leaves.)

    LAURENCE: So, Robert, you've really decided to give yourself over this evening to bachelors? (coming towards the right)

    ROBERT: Again! Ah, indeed, we're going to start all over again! Isn't it a matter that's agreed to?

    LAURENCE: On the contrary, I was hoping that my remarks --

    ROBERT: But your remarks are childish my dear friend; I don't intend, by taking them seriously, to makes us as ridiculous as they are !

    LAURENCE: Ridiculous! Because you would have made a small sacrifice to me?

    ROBERT: Eh! My God! ask me something reasonable! But, I remind you, look! --to prevent me from going out this evening, going to this meeting --such a fantasy! a whim so puerile!

    LAURENCE: I've seen time when you wouldn't even have dreamed of arguing.

    ROBERT: Ah! That was really my fault, by God! It's from having, from the beginning, such an abnegation of my authority, that from concession to concession, you enjoy tyranny and my humiliation.

    LAURENCE: Oh!

    ROBERT: (dwelling on it) Yes! Humiliation! Truly, if I let you do it, I won't be a man, but a child led by the apron strings. I can neither leave nor return without consulting your good pleasure! And I would never go to see good friends at night, except stealthily, and by sliding along the wall like a man about to commit a crime.

    LAURENCE: Oh! it's not a crime!

    ROBERT: You're too good!

    LAURENCE: But it's a fault!

    ROBERT: Well, my darling Laurence, the wise sin seven times a day; so, I am within the limits of wisdom, because since this morning I've as yet committed only two faults!

    LAURENCE: You are so modest! Which ones?

    ROBERT: The first is to have spoken to you of this announced party, instead of dreaming up some pretext; the second is having debated with you my right to go there! I will therefor permit myself to commit a third, which will be to deliver myself to this soiree when the hour comes.

    LAURENCE: You are making me understand a bit cruelly that you are the absolute master of your actions.

    ROBERT: Look, Laurence, it's not serious is it? And this nasty quarrel is too harsh. Give me your little hand, and let's not speak of it any more! I'm excitable and I get carried away --I'm wrong, --but be reasonable also, and don't sulk at me like a child! You have enough confidence in me so that ideas of independence shouldn't bear umbrage to you; I grant you the same rights, because I have the same confidence. And with all, the result is, in thinking it over carefully, we've been crazy right now and rather clumsy towards each other. (going to embrace her)

    LAURENCE: (rising) Speak for yourself.

    ROBERT: (a bit annoyed) So be it! as you like! Baptiste! (Baptiste enters with coat and hat and leaves)

    LAURENCE: I thought this little debauch wasn't beginning until nine o'clock, and it's hardly --

    ROBERT: It's the hour at which husbands decamp when wives want to cage them up.

    LAURENCE: Very witty!

    ROBERT: The spirit of Freedom, that's all! I would have had pleasure in keeping you company still, if you'd wanted to be more amiable; but I prefer to leave you than to continue the conversation in this tone; I'm leaving then; I'm going to my club, because my friend Maxime Duvernet gave me a rendez-vous there, because I must present him to my other friend, Horace. I don't know when I'll be back, because I don't know at what time this Roman orgy will end, and now my dear Laurence, after having responded to my inquisitor, my "because" has the honor of bowing to your "why"! (he leaves by the back.)

    LAURENCE: No --he's distancing himself --(listening) He's gone! It's the first time that he didn't return to kiss me and to ask my pardon. Perhaps I was too severe, too? If I were to call him? He's too far away. And then, in the end, he's the one who's wrong, not me! To leave me alone! a whole evening! Oh! if he'd told me this that it would only take a year! And yet I ought to have suspected that the third year of marriage would be difficult to get through, the other two were so sweet --it couldn't last! (hearing the door open) What's that? I'm not at home to anybody!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering) Not even to your old friend Roquefeuille?

    LAURENCE: Ah! except for him! (she offers him here hand)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Thanks for the favor! But allow the elect to protest for the damned: a pretty girl has no right to flee the world like this and to deprive herself of the admiration of all. Here's for me! (he extends his hand to her) And here's for the others. (he kisses her other hand several times)

    LAURENCE: (withdrawing her hand) Well, well, again!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (continuing) Hell! There's a crowd of 'em!

    LAURENCE: You are gallant this evening, my dear notary!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! now there's a word which has the effect of ice on me! Don't call me notary if you appreciate my gallantry some little bit. Do I resemble a notary? Maxime ought to be here, where is he?

    LAURENCE: He's not here.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And Robert?

    LAURENCE: He's isn't here any more.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Oh! oh! The way you say that!

    LAURENCE: Ah! my dear Roquefeuille, try to distract me, and be gay for the two of us, for I am very sad.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Is it possible? Tell me about this right away! What's the matter with you?

    LAURENCE: Nothing --not even --my husband!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Robert the devil?

    LAURENCE: Now there you are joking!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! ah! the situation's serious. You are saying to me: Be gay, without informing yourself if it's my time for it! I am making every effort, and you are not satisfied. There is something --

    LAURENCE: Yes.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well, are you going to confess? I know more than one ear that would be eager to hear the pretty sins of a woman! I am loaning you mine. Admit that your husband left as the result of a little discussion.

    LAURENCE: Yes.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I suspected as much. And this discussion just came because you've never really understood the respective roles of spouses. Wait, look at the first carriage passing by. There's a man in the seat and a horse in the harness.

    LAURENCE: That's their place!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Agreed! But why? The horse is stronger, and if it wanted to, it could carry away the man and the carriage, and it's he who leads it. So the man who knows it, bewares of irritating the horse, he flatters it, he caresses it with his voice, with his hand, and thanks to this mutual agreement, the carriage runs without accident. Well, dear lady, you leaned on the bridle too much and your husband is kicking.

    LAURENCE: I fear it!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I was sure of it! Robert didn't leave --he escaped --he has the bit in his teeth.

    LAURENCE: You think so?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's evident! Ah! how right a great moralist was to say: Marriage is a battle to end, before which spouses ask heaven for its blessing.!

    LAURENCE: Thanks, my dear notary!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Again! No more notary or I won't laugh any more ! And don't remind me of a profession that horrifies me!

    LAURENCE: That horrifies you!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That horrifies me! A notary is serious, bureaucratic, earnest, zealous, one who enscribes, who makes contracts and who heaps frightful dossiers in boxes in his horrifying study, he's a public calamity! I denounce him to the hatred of his fellow citizens, to whom he loans his ministry to all the disasters of life. Mortgages, testaments, and marriages! The good, the true, the perfect notary, that's me! I don't take myself serious, not me! Never! When a client consults me about the acquisition of real estate, I prove to him by A plus B that the land is in a mediocre location, or he'll reap less wheat than the law suit, and the client takes away his money. Let another one call me to receive his will and I demonstrate to him he's getting ready to make ingrates, and he decides to cure them. All profit ! Finally, a third asks me to draw up a marriage contract, I escort him to the solicitor, my neighbor, whose specialty is separations, and from there to the Cafe Anglais, where I demonstrate the joys of bachelorhood through the fumes of champagne! And he gets married all the same --But in the end, he gets married!

    LAURENCE: You must have a pretty clientele.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The most pretty clientele in Paris. An honest man always makes his way.

    LAURENCE: You will end by converting me --and if my contract was to do over --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You would hurl the pen in the fire?

    LAURENCE: I would sign it with both hands! I love my poor Robert so much!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He loves you, too, by God!

    LAURENCE: No question, but not like he used to.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He's right to seek variety. Boredom is born the same day as uniformity.

    LAURENCE: It's a long way from Paris to Mauritius, where we met each other, where we loved each other!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Three thousand leagues if you consult the Atlas .

    LAURENCE: An immensity, if I consult his heart!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That's the rule! You are telling me about Mauritius. Consider Paul and Virginie, if Paul had married Virginie, where would Virginie be tonight? Beside the fireplace --and Paul at his club!

    LAURENCE: Still, if it were just his club. But after the club, Paul and his friend Maxine must finish their evening with a bachelor reunion.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well, so much the better.

    LAURENCE: So much the better for whom?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: For you. Your husband's reverting to bachelorhood, and you, you are reverting to being a young miss. On his return their will be a new marriage, that the two of you will contract.

    LAURENCE: My dear Roquefeuille, I don't like to remarry so often.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's still the best thing to do if you've been clumsy enough to marry the first time.

    LAURENCE: (laughing) Heavens! you are impossible!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: There you go! There's a smile!

    LAURENCE: Ah! if you could only give me a way of preventing Robert from going to that party!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Get a warrant for his arrest.

    LAURENCE: I would like something less violent.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Let's see if we can find one!

    (Enter Baptiste.)

    BAPTISTE: Madam --I beg madame's pardon --does madame know if monsieur will return soon?

    LAURENCE: I am unaware --Why this question?

    BAPTISTE: It's that --there's a very urgent letter for him.

    LAURENCE: Well?

    BAPTISTE: They brought it this morning; but I don't know how it happened

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You forgot it in your pocket?

    BAPTISTE: Yes, sir.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What a race! --All the same!

    LAURENCE: Give me that letter. (Baptiste leaves --to Roquefeuille) This rush to leave --If it was a rendez-vous? A letter --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Come on, calm down, calm down, calm down --

    LAURENCE: I don't have the strength. Here, look for yourself.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (taking the letter and opening it) A letter!

    LAURENCE: (excitedly) A letter?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Of warning!

    LAURENCE: (joyfully) Of warning?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And for tonight, even --It's not a drum, it's Fortune, in the guise of a police officer that brought this letter.

    LAURENCE: What do you mean?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Allow me to give orders in your name. (Calling) Baptiste! (Baptiste appears) You are going to take this letter to your master at his club and you will deliver it to his own hands.

    BAPTISTE: He is going to receive me very ill.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! that's your affair, isn't it?

    LAURENCE: Go! (Baptiste takes a few steps.)

    BAPTISTE: (returning) Ah! Doctor Duvernet is asking if Mr. Roquefeuille is here.

    LAURENCE: Maxine? Show him in!

    (Baptiste leaves.)

    LAURENCE: Now, my friend, what is your plan?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You haven't understood: your husband is in a relapsed state; it's prison for him. He cannot fail to obey, and my word, if he doesn't spend the night with his wife, he won't be spending it at his club, nor in the company of bachelors.

    LAURENCE: Ah! it's true! --Is he going to be in a bad mood! Well, so much the better, let him be enraged.

    (Laurence leaves by the right.)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Now there's a nasty wife, for goodness sake! And they want me to get married? Oh, no!

    MAXIME: (entering) I just came from your place.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I was counting on finding you here.

    MAXIME: I was hastening to announce my happiness to you! She's come, my friend.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: She's come! Ah, bah! Who's She?

    MAXIME: Why Leonie! The friend of Madame Maubray!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Madame de Vanvres! She! Leonie! A pronoun! A baptismal name! Why what sort of manners are these?

    MAXIME: Eh! what better word than that of She! It says everything! it sums it all up! She! that means beauty, grace, wit --beloved, adored, venerated wife. She, the sole, the unique, the ideal --perfection itself! She! she, at last!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And him --brains blown out! --him --evaporated, him, senseless, the deranged, the mad, him at last!

    MAXIME: Yes, yes, make fun of me! I am happy and I permit you to do it. I am young, I am rich, I'm neither hunchbacked, nor bandy-legged, nor twisted. I am a doctor, esteemed, loved, and I have only one passion in the world: voyaging! It seems to forbid me love and especially marriage; how to hope that a woman would want to join her fate to that of a being so restless, so inconstant, so nomadic? Well, no! fortune or rather heaven made me meet in Madame de Vanvres, a widow more passionate than myself for continual displacements, a frantic, irrepressible traveler! And, my friend, I hope to obtain the hand of this woman, to possess her and to take a world tour with her!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's bewitching!

    MAXIME: She's coming! I can publish the banns, prepare the contract, buy gloves and order the wedding presents.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And how do you know?

    MAXIME: Ah! from a letter written to Madame Maubray which I got this morning --and here it is!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Covered with stamps of every color and all shapes, dirty, yellow with the dust of every chancellery! In your place I would put vinegar on it; I'd only hold it with pincers!

    MAXIME: Cold and vulgar soul, read, read!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's dated?

    MAXIME: Last month. She's wandered on her way coming through Seville.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah, bah! Seville! I thought it existed only in novels. (singing)
         Do you know in Barcelona?
    (resuming)
    No! And this letter?

    MAXIME: Ah! only two lines, but two lines that, without mentioning my name, still reveal the most tender passion, the most true love.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Let's have a look at it. (reading) After leaving Seville, I am returning immediately to Paris by way of Naples and Switzerland.

    MAXIME: Ah!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah, that's the most tender passion, the most true love! An itinerary!

    MAXIME: What! you don't find this adorable? Returning to Paris --she --for me! and returning directly, even!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: With quite a little detour --

    MAXIME: To get here more quickly! to get here more quickly!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! the two of you will make two pretty wackos.

    MAXIME: Not at all, two comets, quite simply two comets, as for me that of 1828, she, that of 1832. We are describing immense angles through the whole world, but sometimes our orbits cross, and --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah!, really, no, no! you are becoming too flighty.

    (Enter Robert.)

    ROBERT: It's the work of misfortune! Don't they understand what's happening to me? --Hello, Maxime! At the moment in which I'm going to leave --Hello, Roquefeuille

    MAXIME: What's wrong with you?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) I've got a shrewd idea --

    ROBERT: What's wrong with me? I just got a letter at my club!

    MAXIME: A billet doux?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A bill to pay?

    ROBERT: A letter of notice!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah, the devil!

    ROBERT: And the worst is I've exhausted all warnings prior to discipline! Now it's impossible to go to that soiree!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) Come on now!

    MAXIME: Oh! as for me, I renounce it very willingly!

    ROBERT: It's not that I cling to it unreasonably; for the prospect of a night spent side by side with my tailor and my bookmaker truly wasn't amusing.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: All the same a camp bed is uncomfortable!

    ROBERT: The devil take them! I won't go!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And prison?

    ROBERT: That's right, prison! Ah, if I'd kept it, this drum!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You would beat the drum?

    ROBERT: And, what's still more irritating, for this cursed soiree to which I cannot go any more, I almost quarrelled with my wife!

    MAXIME: What! you've already had discussions about it with Madame Maubray?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: If it's already gone that far, by Jove! Where do you expect to find yourself? You are married, that's what it is! Big kids who won't jump in the water without knowing how to swim, and who hurl themselves head first into the abyss of marriage! You study ten years to be an engineer of bridges and highways, doctor or pianist, and you expect to divine, without learning it, this quite difficult art of being happy in living together --! happy living together!

    MAXIME: Always the same song!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Why, ignoramuses! obstinate donkeys that you are --do you know that a German physiologist has published a work just on conjugal duties and that it runs to twelve volumes?

    MAXIME: A real dictionary!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes, a dictionary from A amour! to Z zero! All of marriage is there!

    ROBERT: Look, I'm married, isn't that true? It's not the condition of marriage that worries me tonight, it's the condition of being a citizen.

    MAXIME: Hold on, I am considering!

    ROBERT: What?

    MAXIME: Ah, indeed! so you are in the National Guard, are you?

    ROBERT: That's what you call a consideration?

    MAXIME: You've been naturalised as French since your marriage?

    ROBERT: What's the good? What are you getting at?

    MAXIME: At this: The French alone are admitted to the honor of serving in this institution: if Robert is not French; he can't be in the National Guard.

    ROBERT: You would really please me by proving that paradox, for goodness sake; I was brought up in Mauritius, that's true, but I was born in the Faubourg Saint Germaine; my mother and father were French.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Indeed! The case seems settled to me. You are French, my dear fellow, go stand guard!

    MAXIME: One moment!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Aesclapius demands the floor.

    MAXIME: What Robert said is perfectly correct; but what he didn't say is that born in Paris, Faubourg Saint Germain, if his mother was French, he had a perfectly English father, a pure blooded Englishman.

    ROBERT: Agreed! But my father was naturalised as French,

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Just a minute! This is becoming serious. Was your father naturalized before or after your birth?

    MAXIME: It was after.

    ROBERT: That's possible, by a year or two, perhaps! I think I recall it was in the year that preceded our departure for Mauritius.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Then, my dear chap, don't go stand guard, you are not French.

    ROBERT: What a joke! Am I Parisian?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You are Parisian, because you were born in Paris, that's evident; but you are English because your father was English at the moment of your birth. You are an English-Parisian, that's all, or a Parisian-English, as you like, it all the same to me!

    MAXIME: You see, you consult the law and the law replies to you.

    ROBERT: Still --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! I understand you! It seems strange that a kid of two years would have a definite personality; but your father who had a right to whip you, didn't have the right to confer nationality --That's all!

    ROBERT: Goodness, goodness! This seems comical to me! I am English --Here I am English!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Perfectly right, sir.

    ROBERT: That doesn't change me.

    MAXIME: Want to see?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Want to see? You have absolutely the same head; only you are no longer a voter in France, nor fit for jury, nor the national guard.

    MAXIME: (emphasizing) Nor that National Guard!

    ROBERT: I am no longer in The National Guard! I no longer mount my guard! Long Live John Bull! A cheer for John Bull!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I don't know your John Bull.

    ROBERT: That doesn't signify --Hurrah! hurrah! (all three shout)

    MAXIME: Stop! stop!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah, husband, go! If you are not French you are really worthy of being so!

    ROBERT: (noticing Laurence) My wife! Heavens, indeed, now that I am English --Is she English, too?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Hush!

    (Laurence enters.)

    MAXIME: Ah, madame, we have a curious thing to impart to you.

    ROBERT: (low to Maxime) Well, you aren't going --and my soiree?

    MAXIME: Don't worry, I will stop in time.

    LAURENCE: And me, I've got big news to announce to you.

    ROBERT: I suspect yours is better than ours.

    LAURENCE: You are going to judge.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Guess that your husband is?

    LAURENCE: Is what?

    ROBERT: (low to Laurence) The most repentant of men.

    LAURENCE: The most certain of my forgiveness.

    MAXIME: Why, no, why, no!

    LAURENCE: Why, yes!

    MAXIME: I mean to say that Robert has been deceived as to his nationality which is English. You've married an Englishman!

    LAURENCE: Ah! an Englishman! What folly!

    MAXIME: What do you think of my news?

    LAURENCE: And you of mine: Leonie is in France!

    MAXIME: Can it be true?

    LAURENCE: Better still! she is here, and (Leonie appears) here she is!

    MAXIME AND ROBERT: Madame de Vanvres!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: As friend Maxime say: It's she.

    LEONIE: Myself (to Robert) My dear Maubray! My dear Roquefeuille.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah, for goodness sake, now there's a pleasant surprise!

    ROBERT: Be welcome, Madame.

    LEONIE: I got in from Geneva just now, and, you see, my first visit is for my best friend.

    LAURENCE: (embracing her) And your best friends thank you for it!

    MAXIME: Not a word for me, madame?

    LEONIE: Mr. Maxime, my intrepid traveler!

    MAXIME: You didn't expect to see me again?

    LEONIE: Why no, I assure you, and even --

    MAXIME: What! those words you deigned to pronounce one day? that promise of marriage?

    LEONIE: Me marry, when I am free, independent? Oh! no, no!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (to Maxime) What was that you were telling me, you with your world tour?

    MAXIME: But I thought --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A widow! A pussy cat --a scalded pussy cat!

    LEONIE: What do you mean! he told you --Ha, ha, ha --Imagine, that the first time chance threw us together was in Lisbon. We met as compatriots, and far from France, a compatriot is a bit of the country, and then at the first words exchanged, we suddenly found ourselves in the country of familiarity, we talked of you, of your husband, of natary, of Roquefeuille, I tell you --The next day

    ROBERT: The next day --

    LEONIE: We shook hands like old friends, then the steamship took Mr. Duvernet to Rotterdam, and I took the flight to Algiers.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And that's all. A novel that stops after the first chapter?

    MAXIME: No, indeed, that's not all! A year later, a new meeting at Vesuvius!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The Devil!

    MAXIME: This time, I expressed to Madame all the passionate feelings that her sight gave birth to in me. I spoke to her of love, passion, fires, flames --She replied to me --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Volcano!

    MAXIME: And the next day, a new departure, new separation!

    LEONIE: Yes, but instead of taking the hand I offered him in friendship, didn't he have the audacity to ask for it?

    LAURENCE: And you replied --?

    MAXIME: Oh, an unheard of, strange, incredible thing! Madame replies that she has no time; but if chance reunited us somewhere for eleven days in Paris, she would give me the right to run around the world with her.

    ALL: Eleven days!

    MAXIME: You did say it?

    LEONIE: Assuredly! Don't you know it takes eleven days to get married?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The fact is that if men were wise it would take eleven years.

    MAXIME: Well, here we are in Paris, and --

    LEONIE: Yes, but I'm leaving tomorrow.

    MAXIME: Tomorrow!

    (Baptiste brings in a platter with tea on it, places it on the table and leaves.)

    LAURENCE: (aside) We will see about that.

    LEONIE: My place is reserved at Havre, on the Panama, headed for Mauritius.

    ALL: Mauritius!

    MAXIME: And you believe that I will let you leave? No, madame; must I, in my capacity as doctor, poison the mate and the Captain of the Panama, it shall not leave!

    LEONIE: Violence!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes, madam; it's been decided to quarantine all boats leaving France before eleven days have passed! like the Duke of Buckingham!

    MAXIME: And I will leave with you! like it or not!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He's in his role! an absurd role, but he knows his part.

    LEONIE: So as not to respond, I shall accept a cup of tea.

    LAURENCE: Here it is, my dear Leonie.

    MAXIME: For in the end your promises --Would you like some sugar?

    LEONIE: Thanks!

    ROBERT: (to Roquefeuille, offering tea) Marry!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Don't marry!

    Maxime: Your promises?

    LEONIE: Yes, give me some cream.

    ROBERT: Marry!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Don't marry!

    LEONIE: Ah! while I'm thinking of it, my dear Maubray, I have a service to demand of you, a letter of recommendation! You probably know our French Counsel in Mauritius?

    ROBERT: Perfectly! Monsieur de La Salle.

    LEONIE: That's him indeed!

    ROBERT: Do I know him! It was he who married us.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (swallowing and choking) Huh?

    ROBERT: Well, what's the matter with him?

    MAXIME: He's plotting mischief.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It was the French Consul who married you?

    ROBERT: Yes. What of it?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Nothing to me? Oh! nothing! less than nothing!

    LEONIE: What's wrong with him?

    LAURENCE: He cannot hear of marriage with out choking.

    LEONIE: And now will you allow a little rest to a traveler who hasn't shut her eye all night?

    LAURENCE: It's not late! Eleven o'clock!

    ROBERT: Eleven o'clock --and honor calls me to the flag! Let's go dress up in uniform, and wake to the Hail to the Empire.

    MAXIME: Will you allow me, madame, to offer you my arm to your carriage?

    LEONIE: At the moment it's only the arm that I accept. (to Laurence) Bye! (hugging her)

    LAURENCE: Bye! Till tomorrow, right?

    LEONIE: Till tomorrow! Well, Roquefeuille has become mute. Watch out! he's got some needle concealed under that rock.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Me, I --

    LEONIE: We won't ask your secrets of you. Goodbye! (She offers him her hand, Roquefeuille with a distracted air, gives her his tea-cup and notices her mirth. He confounds himself with excuses; Leonie, laughs goes to Maxime.)

    MAXIME: (low to Robert) Decidedly, I am not going to Horace's place.

    (Maxime leaves with Leonie.)

    ROBERT: Goodnight, Roquefeuille. (he speaks to his wife) My darling Laurence, how bored I'm going to be far away from you!

    (Robert kisses Laurence; she escorts him to the door. Roquefeuille who had taken a few steps, profits by the moment Laurence accompanies Robert to go into the other room to return and place his cane on the couch, and leaves on tip toe.)

    LAURENCE: (alone) If my husband is bored on guard duty there will be sympathy between us at least.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering at the back) Where'd I put my cane?

    LAURENCE: (pointing the cane out to him) There it is!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (in a low voice) I know that well enough!

    LAURENCE: What do you mean?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Hush! (he listens) You cannot imagine the services this cane has rendered me in analogous circumstances.

    LAURENCE: Ah, indeed! explain to me --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes, I am going to explain the most singular fact, the most incredible, the most incomprehensible --the most --

    LAURENCE: Hurry up indeed! Mr. de Sevigne!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: First of all assure me that I am not deceiving myself. Allow me a question: we are alone?

    LAURENCE: Absolutely alone! Speak quickly --You are beginning to frighten me.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You know what Mr. Duvernet told you as to the nationality of your husband? of Robert, I mean?

    LAURENCE: Why do you hesitate? Robert and my husband are one in the same!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A notary --allow me to resume my notary capacity for a moment --is held to the greatest rigor in the choice of his terms. So, I repeat, do you have Robert's birth certificate?

    LAURENCE: It must be in his desk in his room.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Then would you go find it for me?

    LAURENCE: But yet once more --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Do it, I beg you, my dear lady, what I ask of you; after that I will answer all your questions. Ah! would you bring me your marriage certificate. (Laurence leaves) On honor! this will be very funny. But it's impossible; if Robert is unaware of it, the Consul must know the law.

    LAURENCE: (returning with a bunch of papers.) Here's what I found.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Thanks! (leafing through them) Birth certificate. Naturalisation papers. Maxime told the truth. Robert was two when his father was naturalized as French. Therefore, Robert is English. The marriage certificate! It really took place before the French Consul in Mauritius. But why didn't the Consul demand production of the birth certificate? Ah! here it is! Robert appeared in the character of a French person, and the birth certificate, being in France was replaced by an affidavit of citizenship. (aside) Now I understand.

    LAURENCE: Well! Am I to have the key to this enigma?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The key! You promise me you won't cry?

    LAURENCE: Why no, my God!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And that you aren't going to faint?

    LAURENCE: Ah! you are making me impatient! Speak quickly, I insist!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well, miss --

    LAURENCE: Miss!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You are not married.

    LAURENCE: I am not married!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Your marriage is nul and void. Article 170 --

    LAURENCE: Nul and void!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (shutting her mouth) Hush! you promised not to scream!

    LAURENCE: (shaking) Ah! my God!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You promised not to faint!

    LAURENCE: It's not possible! you are playing with me. It's a shameful joke!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I never joke after midnight.

    LAURENCE: Well then, don't tell me this! I am crazy to have listened to you for a single moment. You've got the proof of my marriage in your hands.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's precisely because I have this proof in hand, that I repeat to you: "You are not married."

    LAURENCE: Ah! for the last time!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The public officer was incompetent. It's as if you were married before a Forest Guard!

    LAURENCE: (losing her head) Why, this is horrible! Why it's not my fault! But it's frightful! But, how was he able to do it?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Eh! my God! quite simply! Robert thought he was French and he wasn't!

    LAURENCE: Oh! my God, my god! Why what's going to become of me then? But I am not Robert's wife; I am only his --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Come on! courage, calm down we will consider how to repair this. Happily, you have the entire night to consider.

    LAURENCE: Yes, you are right; I'm going --(Robert's voice is heard)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Huh!

    LAURENCE: (terrified) Robert's voice!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Already! Get hold of yourself and receive him!

    LAURENCE: Oh! no.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What?

    LAURENCE: Speak to him now! Why, am I able?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: But, still --

    LAURENCE: No, I don't wish to see him! My head is gone! I won't know what to say to him! He will guess everything. Oh! why, no, I don't wish to see him!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: But a husband --

    LAURENCE: But is he my husband now? And think that --Ah, no indeed. (She escapes to the right)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (perplexed) Ah! that's right!

    ROBERT: (outside) That's fine, that's fine --you can go to bed --(Entering) Heavens! you are still here, you?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Eh! damn it! yes --I've been looking for my cane for the last half hour. Where the devil did I hide my cane?

    ROBERT: Why, there it is.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Heavens! it's true, there it is! Thanks! Goodnight!

    ROBERT: Listen then!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah!! yes, I really have time!

    ROBERT: Two words!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ta, ta, a rendez-vous. Someone's waiting for me, a romantic rendez-vous!

    ROBERT: But --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Eh, you understand, I'm keeping my cane; a romantic rendez-vous, you never know what will happen; I'm keeping my cane. (Roquefeuille goes to take his hat from the chimney.)

    ROBERT: That's my hat!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! (he puts it back and takes his own)

    ROBERT: And your cane?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I know where it is, that's all I need. Goodnight, and you, too! Thanks --Ouf! (he escapes)

    ROBERT: Is he mad? Still, not as much as I am. How absurd we are! I told a lie to my wife, I deceived her for an hour of freedom, and no sooner was I at Horace's place than boredom took me by the throat and suffocated me. It's truly stupid, these bachelor meetings, and I don't understand how I was able. But repentance always follows sin, and I've come to confess everything. Laurence must be in her room and I --(goes to open the door; it is locked; he raps, no response, astonished) Ah! locked!

    CURTAIN

    ACT II

    LAURENCE: And so, even if I had children, the marriage would be nul and void?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Certainly. Their presence would have nothing to do with it; only the law which is strict, without being unjust, would recognize their rights as legitimate children.

    LAURENCE: It's still the marriage which makes the children legitimate!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (laughing) Yes, more often than the husband!

    LAURENCE: And there was no marriage?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Pardon me, there was one, but it no longer exists.

    LAURENCE: It's true, you've explained it to me --good faith! Do you know, my poor Roquefeuille, that, if you had said nothing a week ago, I would still be married?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ideally, yes, but in fact, no! And would you have preferred that Robert made this horrible discovery before you?

    LAURENCE: Oh! no!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And the first discussion was a bit excited?

    LAURENCE: (exclaiming) Oh!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Eh! my God! it's necessary to foresee and fear in this life! And foreseen in time, armed in war, with the enormous advantage of offensive, it belongs to us alone to avoid the peril even before it is suspected!

    LAURENCE: That's right! You are a true friend, my dear Roquefeuille! You have no need of other papers than those I've delivered to you?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: No!

    LAURENCE: The publications?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Have been made.

    LAURENCE: You have no other recommendations to --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You've suppressed the newspapers?

    LAURENCE: Yes, but without knowing why.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I have my reasons: the press is so indiscreet. Did you see the man from city-hall yesterday?

    LAURENCE: No!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! In that case no one suspects anything?

    LAURENCE: Yes, I thought it my duty to write to Leonie.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: So much the worse!

    LAURENCE: I am sure of her discretion.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I'd be even more sure of it if she knew nothing .

    LAURENCE: It was bound to happen, my friend I had motives, reasons that I don't know how to explain to you.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That's different!

    LAURENCE: Hush! It's she!

    (Leonie enters.)

    LEONIE: (kissing Laurent) Ah! my dear Laurence, my poor friend!

    LAURENCE: Ah! my poor Leonie.

    LEONIE: What! Yesterday, I left a married woman, and I find a young lady.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A widow, madame, --a deplorable widow!

    LEONIE: Isn't this a mystification by this frightful notary? He's capable of anything.

    LAURENCE: Alas, no!

    LEONIE: And now it will last a week?

    LAURENCE: A week!

    LEONIE: And your husband knows nothing?

    LAURENCE: Nothing.

    LEONIE: And why haven't you confessed it to him?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I advised her to --but --

    LAURENCE: I didn't dare.

    LEONIE: Why?

    LAURENCE: The evening in which Roquefeuille informed me of the fatal secret, Robert spent the night out. I was counting then on having some hours to reflect on my strange position and the new duties that it imposed on me when I heard the voice of my husband; my first, my only idea was to rush into my room and barricade myself inside.

    LEONIE: Ah!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) And to tell that Robert didn't break down the door! Clumsy! violence with his wife would have been delicious !

    LAURENCE: My God! after having rapped several times, seeing that I didn't answer, he took the role of retiring. As for me, I didn't close my eye all night; the most crazy ideas succeeded one another in my head, and I wasn't able to see clearly in the chaos when day came. I rose, not knowing what part to take, almost confiding my destiny to chance or to the inspiration of the moment. I met Robert, and already my secret rose to my lips, when his cold and severe air stopped it. For my wrongs, was he angry with me when he woke up, was he after me because of my shut door on his return? I don't know but I found him so cold, so severe --I remained trembling, my heart was palpitating --I saw only dangers in speaking. I kept my secret, and since that moment, each day augments my embarrassment and diminishes my courage!

    LEONIE: But what do you fear?

    LAURENCE: Do I know? You know my husband, he's neither the best nor the worst than anyone else, indeed he has ideas a little cruel about things of this world. But, say to most husbands after three years of marriage: You are free!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A what a stroke! What a save yourself if you can!

    LEONIE: The gentleman is exaggerating. Many would resume the road to city-hall.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes --with other women!

    LAURENCE: (to Leonie) You see how reassuring he is! And perhaps he's right, my dear. Robert loves me, I think --he's a man of honor, I am sure; but after three years of marriage isn't it like a tree which has given all its flowers, all its fruits --and that one sees fall without regret? Why risk all my happiness on a word?

    LEONIE: But this silence cannot last forever. What will be the end of this comedy?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The end of all comedies: a marriage!

    LAURENCE: Here's what Roquefeuille has advised me: Keep my secret quiet for eleven days.

    LEONIE: Eleven days --the time necessary

    ROQUEFEUILLE: For publications, yes. --and during this time, let me do the needful things, furnish the papers, publish the bans, etc . The Mayor of our district is my friend, which simplifies things.

    LEONIE: And the eleventh day?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The eleventh day, escort Robert to city-hall, under some sort of pretext, still without telling him anything, and there --abruptly inform him of the truth.

    LEONIE: Just like that, all of a sudden?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Thaz it!

    LEONIE: What's the advantage?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Immense! So as not to give him time to reflect --

    LEONIE: Why, it's --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's a trap, I'm perfectly aware; but it's the only way to get there! Because if one gives him eleven days to consider --Oh!

    LEONIE: What a monster this notary is!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes, but what a notary this monster is!

    LAURENCE: In short! all is agreed in a way, and I only regret not having a mother, a sister, with whom I could retire during this time, under the first pretext that came.

    LEONIE: Why? Aren't you comfortable here?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes! This young girl's scruple seems a bit late to me!

    LAURENCE: This is none of your concern, my dear Roquefeuille, these are feminine secrets that your ears cannot understand, --and if you were really nice --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Very nice! Your Servant, Roquefeuille!

    LAURENCE: Oh! my friend --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Good! good! I'll go into Robert's room.

    LAURENCE: Thanks!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You can talk without fear. You know I an not forgetting my cane, (he leaves)

    LEONIE: Well, what did you want to say?

    LAURENCE: See what this strange situation has done to me: since I've known the nullity of my marriage, I am no longer of good faith, I no longer have the right to consider myself as married --

    LEONIE: Well?

    LAURENCE: All the while my husband, whose ignorance assures his good faith, still thinks himself --

    LEONIE: What, you are making a serious case of this to the point of -

    LAURENCE: But, in the end, think that I am not married! --and I don't know what any other woman would do in my place --; as for me, at the risk of seeming a bit ridiculous, I confess to you that one scruple --bizarre perhaps --an exaggerated delicacy it's possible --but still No! --no! --no! --

    LEONIE: And what does your husband say?

    LAURENCE: He doesn't say anything.

    LEONIE: He's really quite angry?

    LAURENCE: I thought he was the first day, I old you, but the same evening his bad humor disappeared, and disappeared so completely that my situation has become very difficult --

    LEONIE: What! for a week --you retire each night into your fortifications?

    LAURENCE: Yes.

    LEONIE: And Mr. Maubray to his camp?

    LAURENCE: Yes.

    LEONIE: And except for covering fire, all communication is interrupted between the two places?

    LAURENCE: Yes.

    LEONIE: Ah, indeed, ah! why, now there's a delicate situation !

    LAURENCE: Even more delicate because during the day, I make myself as sweet, as friendly, as attentive as possible!

    LEONIE: You come out from your fortifications?

    LAURENCE: And at night --

    LEONIE: You return to your lines?

    LAURENCE: You said it.

    LEONIE: And the besieger?

    LAURENCE: (lowering her eyes) Ah! Sometimes he's in a very bad mood!

    LEONIE: Hell! he's within his rights to be.

    LAURENCE: Why that's exactly what scares me; it's precisely for that I need your help!

    LEONIE: Speak!

    (Baptiste enters with a newspaper in his hand.)

    LAURENCE: What do you want?

    BAPTISTE: These are the newspapers that I am bringing to the master.

    LAURENCE: Put them there!

    BAPTISTE: But, madame, the master is accustomed --

    LAURENCE: That's fine I tell you; put them there!

    (Baptiste leaves.)

    LEONIE: What do you intend to do with these newspapers?

    LAURENCE: It's Roquefeuille who advised me to suppress them with the greatest care.

    LEONIE: And why?

    LAURENCE: I don't know.

    LEONIE: Ah, the publications, no question --(She takes a paper; Laurence takes the other papers and puts them into a little furniture at the right.)

    LAURENCE: You are right.

    LEONIE: Let's see --(reading) Paris First --Miscellanies: That's not it. Ah! Marriage Banns: Between Mr. Lenormand, 5 rue Coquilliere, and Miss Danjou, same house. Mr. de Valois, Rue Royale, and Miss Laurent, same house --

    LAURENCE: Why always: same house?

    LEONIE: I don't see why --Ah! here!

    LAURENCE: Continue!

    LEONIE: Mr. Robert Maubray, 8 rue de Londres, and Miss Laurence de Croix --(Leonie gives her the paper)

    LAURENCE: (reading) Same house!

    LEONIE: Now do you understand?

    LAURENCE: Ah! yes --Watch out! my husband --(hiding the paper)

    ROBERT: (aside) Always with someone! (aloud) Madame!

    LEONIE: My dear Maubray!

    ROBERT: You are very scarce; we almost never see you.

    LEONIE: You are very good to notice that.

    ROBERT: And you, my dear Laurence, this neuralgia?

    LEONIE: A neuralgia?

    LAURENCE: (to Robert) Still suffering, my friend

    ROBERT: Take care of yourself. You know how dear your health is to me! (going to kiss her)

    LAURENCE: (crying) Oh! be careful!

    ROBERT: (in a bad mood) It's astonishing how this neuralgia persists! You haven't seen my newspapers?

    LAURENCE: (hiding them behind her) No!

    ROBERT: It's strange; this has been happening to me for two or three days already! Madame! (to himself) Oh! this neuralgia! Absolutely, I must know what's become of them! (exit Robert)

    LAURENCE: (after having assured herself of Robert's departure resumes reading the paper) Mr. Robert Maubray, 8 rue de Londres, and Miss La Croix, same house. There it is. Ah: --Mr. Maxime Duvernet 17, rue Louis le Grand, and Madame de Vanvres --

    LEONIE: (taking the paper) What! I am in it; we are in it! Ah ! Mr. Duvernet hasn't declared himself beaten! He keeps it up! he intends to marry me despite myself.

    LAURENCE: He loves you, that's his excuse.

    LEONIE: Well, he will lose his expenses; for this morning I received a letter from Havre that informs me that the Panama is leaving in three days.

    LAURENCE: You are going?

    LEONIE: Do you want me to marry this gentleman?

    LAURENCE: I want --I want you to stay.

    LEONIE: Then you don't understand that if I stay, I will be here, quite simply eleven days and I --

    LAURENCE: You don't understand that if you leave, I am ruined?

    LEONIE: Ruined!

    LAURENCE: Yes, ruined! Robert was astonished at first, then uneasy in the new position made for him. It was really necessary to invent something --I invented --

    LEONIE: Ah! yes, neuralgia

    LAURENCE: But, now --

    LEONIE: He believes you less?

    LAURENCE: He doesn't believe me at all?

    LEONIE: The drama is getting complicated.

    LAURENCE: And the siege continues! And I am losing ground by the moment! and the fort must be held for three days more you understand, three days? I am lost if you do not come to my assistance.

    LEONIE: How?

    LAURENCE: You must renounce your departure so as to come live in this house and not leave me!

    LEONIE: Oh! oh! oh!

    LAURENCE: You are hesitating?

    LEONIE: Well, I should think so! And then if this comedy drags out a bit longer it's my liberty itself which finds itself compromised, without speaking of the abominable rancor that Mr. Maubray is going to devote to me.

    LAURENCE: You refuse?

    LEONIE: Why, hell! think about it --Well, no! It shall not be said in future ages that Madame de Vanvres refused reinforcements to her best friend! I will enter your home with arms and baggage, we will resupply the fort, and all is saved, even honor!

    LAURENCE: Ah! how good you are! (kissing her)

    LEONIE: Now there's a kiss I would never have stolen!

    (Enter Maxime.)

    BAPTISTE: (announcing) Mr. Duvernet!

    MAXIME: Madame!

    LAURENCE: Pardon me, Maxime, If I leave you so precipitously!

    MAXIME: Madame!

    LEONIE: We have some arrangements to take --

    MAXIME: She, too?

    THE TWO WOMEN: And we present you our very humble excuses. (They leave)

    MAXIME: Now there's a woman who will make me damned before marriage!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering) There are some folks in a big hurry!

    ROBERT: (entering) Ah! Maxime! By Jove! I was going to send to your place! Are we alone?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes.

    ROBERT: Well, I am delighted to have both of you two! I have to consult you.

    MAXIME: As a doctor?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: As a notary? Or as friend?

    ROBERT: As friends above all! As notary, perhaps! but especially as doctor!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's Panurge's consultation?

    ROBERT: An on the same question, marriage!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Only Panurge was more clever; he consulted in advance.

    MAXIME: We are listening to you, speak!

    ROBERT: As friends, first of all. Imagine that a mystery has reigned in this house for a week that I've vainly tried to penetrate. My wife is no longer the same; she flees me; she avoids me. Nothing works as it used to; there are continual comings and goings of folks I don't know. Yesterday, a very ill dressed gentleman came to offer the services of his administration, and after a long conversation it was only a question of city-hall, of a ceremonial carriage, etc, I thought I understood it was a question of burial.

    MAXIME: Heavens!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And you didn't profit by the opportunity?

    ROBERT: And that's not all! My wife locks herself up for hours to read, and do you know what novel I found on her desk? The Civil Code --opened on the chapter on marriage --The respective rights of spouses.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! that's curious --Was there a book mark?

    ROBERT: Bad joke! In the end, not even my newspapers on which I can lay my hands for the past week.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Strange! strange!

    MAXIME: And your conclusion?

    ROBERT: Yours is?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You have no other indications?

    ROBERT: Yes, there are others, but --

    MAXIME: But --?

    ROBERT: It's delicate to discuss!

    MAXIME: You can say anything to your notary.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And to your doctor.

    ROBERT: Well, so be it! You plainly see this door?

    MAXIME: I see it.

    ROBERT: It's the door to my wife's room.

    MAXIME: Well?

    ROBERT: Well, do me the pleasure of opening it?

    MAXIME: Huh?

    ROBERT: Do it anyway!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Open the door for him for the love of God!

    MAXIME: (going to the door to the right) So be it! --Locked!

    ROBERT: Well, yes, locked! but locked as one does not lock a door, especially to a husband! So, that's what it's been like for a week.

    ROQUEFEUILLE AND MAXIME: (laughing) Ah, bah!

    ROBERT: I will admit to you, my dear friends, that your laughter irritates me!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What! it's not even open at the discreet hour when Psyche extinguishes her lamp?

    ROBERT: No!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well, what do you want us to do about it, my poor friend? We really, cannot --

    ROBERT: By Jove! I know that well enough! But I want advice --some good advice!

    MAXIME: What advice?

    ROBERT: That of a Notary, first of all!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Go ahead!

    ROBERT: Does my wife have the right to refuse me?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Obedience? No! Article 213 --

    ROBERT: Have I the right to demand --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Obedience? Yes! Same article 213.

    ROBERT: Fine! So I'm at ease on the subject of legality!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You can sue your wife in court for that

    ROBERT: No, no, no! Only, I know my right. That's immense!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Keep going! you will amuse yourself infinitely.

    ROBERT: (to Maxime) You understand well enough that I am not easily resigned to this role of --

    MAXIME: Of Tantalus?

    ROBERT: Of Tantalus, so be it! And that I've asked my wife the cause of this anticipated divorce --

    MAXIME: And she replied to you that she was ill?

    ROBERT: That she was ill --with nerves

    ROQUEFEUILLE AND MAXIME: With nerves.

    ROBERT: With nerves!

    MAXIME: Well, that reason is better than another!

    ROBERT: The reason is pitiful, my dear chap. Laurence has never had greater appearance of the most magnificent health. She is as fresh as at fifteen, and pretty as a cherub.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You are looking at her through the eyes of a bachelor.

    MAXIME: Look, let's be serious! Do you know you've done something wrong? Is your wife angry with you?

    ROBERT: No, indeed! And the proof is that during the day she is charming, almost flirtatious with me; but as the Sun descends on the horizon --

    MAXIME: The beauties of the day lock themselves in bed with the Sun! And this began --

    ROBERT: The day my guard letter came, you remember --that curious discovery of my nationality.

    MAXIME: (laughing) By Jove! now there's the reason! No need to seek others! She wants to break off all relations with you --because you are English.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Oh! oh! oh! At the moment of the treaty of commerce? Not likely?

    ROBERT: (impatiently) My God! you joke about it!

    MAXIME: Seriously, I'm distracted by it!

    ROBERT: I have only one resource, it's to address myself to you, my friend. I want you, adroitly, without Laurence suspecting it, for you to tell me if my wife is ill, yes or no.

    MAXIME: What! without her suspecting it? Why, miscreant, have you considered that for us doctors the only thermometers are the pulse and the tongue?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And if she doesn't lend herself to it?

    MAXIME: If she mustn't suspect?

    ROBERT: Ta, ta, ta, manage it your own way; find some clever means, deviously, to reach your end.

    MAXIME: But --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Hush ! the door is opening.

    MAXIME: It's broad day light!

    ROBERT: Here's my wife; I am leaving you with her. Come, Roquefeuille.

    MAXIME: No, by Jove! Much better for you to be here!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) And me, too!

    LAURENCE: (entering) You don't wish me ill for it, Maxime, for having left you alone for a moment?

    MAXIME: Robert kept me company.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) Careful! Roquefeuille --warn her (Low to Laurence) Be --

    LAURENCE: Huh?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Me? (coughing) Ah, my friends, I think I've got the grip.

    MAXIME: But what I don't forgive you for, Madame, is for having carried off Madame de Vanvres, if I weren't certain it was to prevent her departure.

    LAURENCE: Exactly!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (same as before) Be careful!

    LAURENCE: You were saying?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (pretending to think she's interrupted Robert) You said?

    ROBERT: As for me, I didn't breathe a word.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (to Laurence) He didn't breathe a word.

    LAURENCE: Ah! I thought (aside) What's the matter with them anyway?

    ROBERT: (low to Maxime) Go to it!

    LAURENCE: And of what were you speaking when I interrupted your conversation? Is there anything indiscreet about asking you?

    MAXIME: (aside) How to manage it?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) Let's see how to get her out of it?

    MAXIME: (aloud) Ah! yes, madame, I was telling these gentlemen some particulars of my voyages. I said that Europe, which thinks itself the head of civilization, has been outdistanced in certain sciences by the natives of Oceania. In divination, for example.

    LAURENCE: In divination!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) Now there's a devious means.

    LAURENCE: You believe in that science?

    MAXIME: Yes, madame; but I make an extreme difference between the science of Mr. Desbarolles and that of the inhabitants of Nouka-Hiva.

    ROBERT: (low) Indeed.

    MAXIME: Example palm reading.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! there it is!

    MAXIME: (continuing) Palm reading can, at most, reveal the past. May I have your hand, if you please.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (low to Laurence) No, don't give it!

    LAURENCE: My hand!

    ROBERT: (aside) Finally!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: No, don't give it! (low)

    LAURENCE: (not comprehending) But --

    ROBERT: Give your hand, dear friend!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) Then there is only one way (to Laurence) Give me your other.

    MAXIME: (low to Robert) Take your watch and count one minute.

    ROBERT: I understand!

    MAXIME: Hand of a thoroughbred, Madame. Hum!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (taking her other hand) Completely aristocratic . (Robert counts and looks at Roquefeuille)

    MAXIME: Well, what's he doing?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I am making a counter-test.

    LAURENCE: Explain this to me?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: We are going to tell you your good fortune, beautiful lady. Let it be done!

    ROBERT: (low to Maxime) Count!

    MAXIME: Well, Madame, you have a long hand, slender fingers --twenty --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Forty!

    MAXIME: And what we call the psychic hand --forty.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Eighty!

    MAXIME: Which ought to marvelously serve the conceptions of a superior intelligence

    ROBERT: (low to Maxime) That's it!

    MAXIME: (low) Sixty pulsations! Pulse is excellent!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That's it 120! A horse fever!

    ROBERT: What?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A horse fever!

    ROBERT: You are crazy or your watch doesn't work!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: My watch doesn't work? My mother's watch!

    ROBERT: Go to the devil! Let's see the tongue! (aside) Oof! and what a one! (to Laurence) Oh! you are not done yet, madame --it seems that it's not over.

    LAURENCE: What's this all about?

    MAXIME: In the art of divination, madame, the hand is only the first page of the book!

    LAURENCE: What is the second?

    MAXIME: It's --don't laugh in advance --it's the tongue!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (to Laurence) Close your mouth!

    ROBERT: Ah! as to that, you'll never persuade me!

    MAXIME: And why not? Isn't the tongue the virtual expression of our thoughts? All our organs obey our will, the tongue alone is indispensable, and as a starter, doesn't know how to lie, physically, of course! They say: a long tongue for a person clever and witty, a thick tongue for a moron and an imbecile.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And a well hung tongue on a gossiper.

    MAXIME: Yes!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes!

    MAXIME: And what's astonishing about observant people who have made the tongue the mirror of the future?

    ROBERT: I give up! I give up! And, if Laurence will indeed loan herself --

    LAURENCE: What, sir, you want --(laughing) Ah! this can't be serious?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Close your mouth! (She closes her lips)

    ROBERT: I beg your pardon, nothing is more serious!

    LAURENCE: Ah! for goodness sakes! (she laughs)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (putting his pince nez on his nose) Come on, beautiful lady, come on, put out your tongue!

    LAURENCE: (breaking into laughter) Ah! my word! I cannot! Ha, ha, ha! (she falls laughing onto the sofa. Maxime and Robert look at her, as Roquefeuille sticks his tongue out at them.)

    ROBERT: Didn't make it!

    MAXIME: (to Roquefeuille) It's your fault!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Mine?

    MAXIME AND ROBERT: Yes, you made her laugh!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It was you!

    MAXIME: AND ROBERT: It was you!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It was you.

    LEONIE: (entering) My God! what's the matter?

    LAURENCE: Ah! the most clownish idea!

    MAXIME: (quickly) It's nothing (aside) Not much more was needed to make me ridiculous in her eyes?

    LEONIE: My room is ready; do you want to give the order to your servants to bring my baggage?

    MAXIME: Servants? Ah, madame --no other than myself is necessary.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And me? (aside) Let's call off the hounds!

    LEONIE: Ah! you are very gallant, the two of you! Well, follow me!

    MAXIME: To the end of the world!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (low, to Laurence) Oof! and by two! But watch out for that guy, he has some ideas --flighty ones (he escapes)

    ROBERT: (as Leonie, Maxime and Roquefeuille leave) My wife says she's ill, and is marvelously well! We are really going to see! You are fleeing me, Laurence?

    LAURENCE: Me?

    ROBERT: Stay, I beg you --you'd think I frighten you.

    LAURENCE: Oh!

    ROBERT: And, I confess, I myself, am tempted to believe it a little, to see the care with which you avoid me.

    LAURENCE: I avoid you?

    ROBERT: I don't suppose you will say that it's chance alone which is putting a third party in our private conversation, and ceaselessly raises a barrier between the two of us?

    LAURENCE: Why, yes, truly --I haven't noticed --

    ROBERT: You cannot know, my dear Laurence, the pleasure that you give me in speaking this way; for, on honor, I had almost begun to suspect your affection.

    LAURENCE: Oh, Robert, what an idea!

    ROBERT: Ah! damn, dear friend, you know, the heart can become tired, in the end, of loving alone, of struggling alone, and without another heart to respond to it, and then --Come sit near me.

    LAURENCE: (terrified) Thanks! thanks!

    ROBERT: Again! You move away when I call you?

    LAURENCE: I am not moving away! (she recoils)

    ROBERT: Then come, I beg you.

    LAURENCE: (sitting) Got to do it!

    ROBERT: Ah! And now, my dear Laurence, that we are, one on one with each other, no longer old spouses, but like young lovers, will you tell me what is the subject of your preoccupations?

    LAURENCE: I assure you --

    ROBERT: Haven't we been living like strangers for the past week?

    LAURENCE: (wishing to rise) Robert!

    ROBERT: There! see, the very moment in which for the first time, I find you alone, you already want to leave me. You don't love me .

    LAURENCE: I don't love you! (aside) What torture!

    ROBERT: Is this a young girl? Is this my wife who is speaking to me?

    LAURENCE: (aside) Oh! my God!

    ROBERT: I would understand you if you were Miss de Croix instead of being Madame Maubray, and if my passion --

    LAURENCE: Why, I assure you there's nothing to it, I --

    ROBERT: If you loved me would your eyes be lowering themselves before mine? If you loved me, would you find me ridiculous and boring? If you loved me, would you push away my arm which entwines your waist? (he takes her by the waist)

    LAURENCE: (overwhelmed by agitation) Robert! Robert!

    ROBERT: As for me, I love you! (he wants to take her in his arms, she rises)

    LEONIE: (entering with a hatbox) It's only me, dear friends, don't be disturbed!

    ROBERT: Plague on all intruders!

    LEONIE: (low to Laurence) It seems I got here just in time!

    ROBERT: How did it happen my dear Laurence, that your servants didn't announce Madame de Vanvres?

    LEONIE: What do you mean, announce me? They won't announce me now that I am part of the household.

    ROBERT: Of the household?

    LEONIE: Why, you see plainly, I am moving in.

    ROBERT: What! That room you were speaking of?

    LEONIE: Why, it's here!

    ROBERT: Here!

    LEONIE: Your wife didn't tell you? Because she wanted to give you a pleasant surprise!

    ROBERT: (aside) She's giving herself a bodyguard!

    LEONIE: (low to Laurence) He's furious!

    LAURENCE: You're not miffed with me, my friend, for what I've done?

    ROBERT: Not at all! I am enchanted, enchanted!

    LEONIE: I told these gentlemen to put my effects in my room.

    ROBERT: The guest room at the other end of the apartment?

    LEONIE: What are you thinking of? A place inhabited by all sorts of people? I would die the first night. No, no, the room adjoining that of your wife. (starts to leave)

    ROBERT: (furious) Say her room right out, and let's not speak of it any more! (to Laurence) Finally, as I was telling you, my dear Laurence --

    LEONIE: Over here, Mr. Maxime, this way!

    MAXIME: (enters, with irony) Here I am, madame!

    ROBERT: (walking around agitatedly) The other one! Ah! they are pushing things to extremes!

    MAXIME: What's the matter with him?

    LEONIE: He's got the vapors. Well, my hat boxes, and my dresses, and Mr. Roquefeuille.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering with boxes) Here, here, here!

    ROBERT: Again! It only lacked him!

    LEONIE: This way, gentlemen!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (unburdening himself) Oof! And they want me to get married!

    ROBERT: (aside) Come on! it's over! I am no longer in my own home! It's a train station, a loading platform! Oh! I'd enjoy breaking something. (he rings)

    LAURENCE: (low to Leonie) How will this end?

    BAPTISTE: (entering) Monsieur rang?

    ROBERT: My papers!

    BAPTISTE: Why, sir --

    ROBERT: I asked you for my newspapers! Is that clear?

    BAPTISTE: It's that --

    ROBERT: You don't reply: it's that --to a man who asks for his newspapers. If my papers doesn't get here by tomorrow, you will be discharged --

    LAURENCE: They mislaid it my friend (to Robert) Go, and keep your mouth shut! (he leaves)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (to Robert) For the last week, nothing but platitudes in the papers.

    ROBERT: How much patience one must have!

    MAXIME: (laughing) And all that because you haven't read your paper. You can boast of being a proud original!

    ROBERT: Does that concern you? Yes, I am furious because papers do not vanish without a trace! For the last week I haven't seen a single one!

    MAXIME: If that's what's bothering you, see the lucky chance! I can come to your assistance.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Huh!

    MAXIME: I've got today's newspaper in my pocket!

    LAURENCE: (aside) Ah!

    LEONIE: (aside) Clumsy!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He really needed it!

    ROBERT: At bottom, I don't care much about it.

    MAXIME: Yes, yes! There's a story in it which concerns me, and under the title of friend, you ought to be interested in it.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (low to Maxime) Be quiet, will you?

    LEONIE: (low) Be quiet, will you?

    MAXIME: Huh? Is it wrong to say, madame, that your name appears near mine in the publication

    LEONIE: For certain, sir, you will compromise me

    LAURENCE: (low to Roquefeuille) He's going to see ours, too!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: By Jove! How to parry the blow?

    ROBERT: Ah! ah! you are there already? My compliments --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: My condolences!

    LEONIE: (getting between Maxime and Robert) Don't read it! I never authorized Mr. Duvernet --Don't read it!

    ROBERT: Indeed! indeed!

    LAURENCE: What to do?

    LEONIE: (low to Roquefeuille) On guard! (Robert reads the paper)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Some cool headedness! Some audacity! (to Leonie) What are you looking for, madame? a piece of cardboard or some paper to divide this linen?

    LEONIE: Yes, exactly.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (in a low voice) The newspaper?

    LEONIE: Understood?

    ROBERT: Where are these publications that I cannot find?

    MAXIME: On the fourth page! --Dummy!

    ROBERT: That's right!

    LOUISE: (taking the paper) Excuse me, my dear Maubray, now this is what we need.

    LAURENCE: Oh!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well executed!

    ROBERT: (astonished, containing himself) Why, madame you don't use a whole newspaper, to divide a skein of linen!

    LEONIE: That's perfectly true! You see, when I am wrong, I admit it. (she tears the paper in two and gives him the first half) Here, read your Paris first.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (aside) Bravo! And they want me to get married? Ah, no!

    MAXIME: (going to Leonie and taking half of the paper) No indeed, no indeed, madame! The paragraph that I want to make Robert read is in the second part of the paper.

    LEONIE: (low) My God, how impossible you are!

    MAXIME: You are saying?

    LEONIE: I said nothing.

    MAXIME: I heard wrong.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Animal!

    MAXIME: Huh? (he takes half of the paper, tears it in two and returns half to Leonie) There's still enough there to divide ten skeins ! (to Robert) And if you wish to cast your eyes --(he gives him a quarter of the paper.)

    ROBERT: Aside, looking at Leonie) Now there's a little lady who will quite simply make me commit a crime. (taking the paper from Maxime) Give it to me.

    LAURENCE: (to Roquefeuille) Lost!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (low) Not yet! (he turns over the ink on the table) Ah!

    LAURENCE: Ah!

    MAXIME: What's the matter?

    ROBERT: It seems it is not over.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! my God! madame has just overturned the ink and made an enormous spot on the table. It's the Black Sea. How to repair it? Quick, madame a scrap of paper!

    THE WOMEN: Ah! my God! it's spreading! Quickly.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (slowly takes the leaf which Robert was holding and gives it to Leonie.) Here, Madame, Dry! dry!

    LEONIE: Let's dry it. (she rubs with the paper)

    LAURENCE: Just in time!

    MAXIME: Why, madame, for the love of God!

    LEONIE: Meddle with what concerns you, my dear sir.

    MAXIME: But --

    ROBERT: (to Leonie) Ah, indeed! madame, are you making fun of me, by chance?

    LEONIE: Can you think that? I assure you that it doesn't appear so; but I am desolated --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It doesn't appear so at all.

    ROBERT: Eh! it's really a question of this table!

    LEONIE: Then what is it a question of? This is not a scrap of paper, I suppose?

    ROBERT: Indeed, madame.

    LEONIE: That's right? that's the one you were reading? How stupid you are, Roquefeuille!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's me then --But the injury can be repaired. Could I suspect that they attached so much importance to a nasty end of a newspaper? In what condition is it now?

    MAXIME: Here it is, but in a pitiful state.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's slightly stained, but with a little good will --

    MAXIME: Impossible to decipher a line.

    LAURENCE: (low to Leonie) I am saved)

    ROBERT: (to Leonie, explosively) Madame!

    LEONIE: My God! what's the matter with him?

    ROBERT: (beside himself) So, madame, I am not duped by all this! This paper is only a pretext for the continual persecutions of which I am the object! I don't know what bad wind has blown through my household, but for a week, that is to say, since your arrival, everything here has gone from bad to worse. My wife forgets that she is my wife, my friends forget they are my friends! I don't dare affirm that this is all your work --

    LEONIE: But you believe it?

    ROBERT: But I believe it.

    LEONIE: That's frank at least.

    MAXIME: Robert.

    LAURENCE: My friend!

    ROBERT: Leave me alone! because you are all in agreement! Leave me!

    LAURENCE: What do you intend to do?

    ROBERT: Oh! nothing, I don't even want to impose the sacrifice of a friend, and I am giving up the territory. (he leaves)

    MAXIME: Robert! Robert!

    (Robert has shut the door in her face. Maxime leaves by the back left. Music until the lowering of the curtain.)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well!

    LEONIE: Well!

    LAURENCE: Well!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: As Pyrhhus would have said, another victory like that and it's over for us!

    LEONIE: We were pushing things a bit far!

    LAURENCE: Ah! I feel it indeed! But what to do now?

    LEONIE: Damn!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: There can be no hesitation. You must make peace, fast! fast!

    LAURENCE: And how to make peace?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That's your affair! When a place under siege cannot defend itself, it hoists up a flag and capitulates! Capitulate!

    LEONIE: Yes, capitulate! capitulate!

    LAURENCE: (heading towards Robert's door) Indeed, you are right! What have I gained by this comedy? Today, the wrath, perhaps tomorrow the indifference of Robert. I've compromised my happiness too much already.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (at the back) Capitulate!

    LEONIE: Capitulate!

    LAURENCE: (going to Robert's door and trying to open it) Locked.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (to Leonie) Locked!

    ALL THREE: Ah!

    CURTAIN

    ACT III

    LEONIE: Well, what news?

    MAXIME: None!

    LEONIE: None!

    MAXIME: Nothing. I just left the prefecture of police, they asked me a thousand questions. I told them all that I knew: that our friend Robert was a little fantastic; that after a lively enough scene, he withdrew to his room; that the same evening his wife found his door locked; that the next day, not seeing him appear, it was decided to break down the door; that the room was empty, and that our friend having left by his private stairway, and that since then, he hasn't been seen at home, nor at his club, nor on the exchange --and finally that his wife was mortally uneasy.

    LEONIE: I really think so!

    MAXIME: All that was written swiftly by a bearded gentleman who dismissed me with these words: "That's fine, sir, we'll find him --" And I came hastily to give an account of my actions, while Roquefeuille rushed to Chatou to see if he isn't in his country house.

    LEONIE: What an event! this disappearance! this flight!

    MAXIME: And now, madame, that I've done what friendship demanded of me, will I be permitted not to neglect love completely, and to cause you to notice that we are today, precisely at that famous eleventh day which must never shine for me.

    LEONIE: Ah! you really choose your time well! This is the moment when your friend --

    MAXIME: Oh! my friend's reached the age of reason, madame, he knows how to act: household sulking! He wanted to give his wife a lesson; he's going to return any time soon, fresh and rosy as a school boy who played hooky; but as for me, as for me, madame, it's eleven days since I last ate! eleven nights since I last slept!

    LEONIE: Well! you must begin to make yourself do it!

    MAXIME: And I am waiting for this famous delay to expire at last, and which will put you in the absolute necessity of keeping your promise.

    LEONIE: Me?

    MAXIME: Yes, there's no longer any way to defend yourself! The eleven days have revolved; I've foreseen everything, prepared everything to leave you no escape. The banns are published, the Mayor is displaying his scarf, the church is lighting its candles, the organ is playing the prelude, and the swiss guard is making his pike resound.

    LEONIE: Ah, well, he will have to wait, the Swiss.

    MAXIME: Ah! madame, this isn't possible.

    LEONIE: Why, grasp this bullheadedness?

    MAXIME: Ah! yes, grasp it, when one looks at you! And if you would listen to me.

    LEONIE: But can I listen to you in the frame of mind I am in? I don't have my head about me!

    MAXIME: Roquefeuille will tell you that it's an excellent frame of mind to be married in.

    LEONIE: And the Panama which is waiting for me and is steaming up?

    MAXIME: (aside) And me, too!

    LEONIE: Look! don't talk to me about anything until Robert is found.

    MAXIME: And after that?

    LEONIE: Ah! after that?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (hurrying in) Well, have you? has he? have they?

    LEONIE: Nothing. And you?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Nothing. --And you?

    MAXIME: But at Chatou?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I'm coming from there! Nothing! nothing! nothing!

    LEONIE: This is terrifying!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's sinister!

    MAXIME: Why, you are childish with your unease! Why don't you put him in the newspaper under Lost Articles?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Women would run after him and not wish to return him.

    LEONIE: Would you please not joke!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And Madame Maubray?

    LEONIE: Ah! you judge! She will be ill over it!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Only one husband and he steals off --

    LEONIE: In the midst of all this Mr. Duvernet has the heart to speak to me of marriage.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Hell! This gives him hope of getting away from you too, one day!

    MAXIME: But I don't see --

    LEONIE: Not another word! I will consent to forgive you only if you bring your friend back to me.

    MAXIME: You are saying?

    LEONIE: Begone, march And if you bring him back --honest reward!

    MAXIME: Now there's a hope that gives me wings --I have an idea.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Seize it!

    MAXIME: (looking at his watch) Ten o'clock. The marriage is for two o'clock. I've got time. (he escapes)

    LEONIE: Yes, yes, you've got time!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (sitting down) To get married! Ah! yes, he has time. Ah! now there's a fellow who will know the rope with which to hang himself.

    LEONE: It's she! Laurence!

    LAURENCE: (entering) Well?

    LEONIE: Well! my poor Laurence, nothing new.

    LAURENCE: My God!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's not to be understood!

    LAURENCE: Ah! as for me, I understand too well. He knows what we were trying to hide from him --and now he is free, he's gone, never to return!

    LEONIE: Why, no! What an idea!

    LAURENCE: Ah! don't tell me no, I am sure of it! Otherwise, wouldn't he already have returned, he who was always so scrupulous to return at the agreed time, to spare me any worry? Because he was so good! he was so tender, so sweet sometimes! Ah, it's over now, it's really over, go! I've lost him and forever!

    LEONIE: But I don't want you to weep like this!

    LAURENCE: Now this is what comes from, wanting to trick him instead of telling him everything! Ah! if I'd told him everything! --he loves me so much! --And a few moments before his departure even --Ah! If I had known --It was so easy!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Look, look, dear lady, let's not be desolated, and let's find a remedy! You are quite sure he didn't leave the least little word of information?

    LAURENCE: Not one! I've looked everywhere!

    LEONIE: And since that time, not one letter, not a word to explain his behavior?

    LAURENCE: No!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's incomprehensible! And to say that this is happening to us at the moment of seriously marrying him, and riveting his chain on him! He suspected the ambush, the rogue! A plan so clever, so well executed! I foresaw everything --everything is ready, the mayor is informed, he will wait for us for two hours, after two hours it will be too late: he has an assembly of shareholders he has to preside over, and as he doesn't pay dividends, he must at least be on time! And the first marriage with which I am occupied is going to fail for the inexplicable absence of the groom! and what groom? A serious groom, tested, guaranteed! a groom passe, a posterior groom! No, no, it's not possible! he's going to come! he will come! he's coming! here he is.

    (Therese enters.)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: No, this is not him!

    THERESE: (a box in her hand) For Madame!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He can't be in there --

    LAURENCE: Who is it from?

    THERESE: I don't know! It was a delivery boy who told me "For Madame Maubray!"

    LEONIE: Really, what can it be?

    (Therese leaves.)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Will you allow me? --Ah, a jewel box!

    LEONIE: A magnificent jewel box!

    LAURENCE: What's it mean?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A jewel box! Ah! that's still plain enough!

    LEONIE: Open it!

    LEONIE, LAURENCE, AND ROQUEFEUILLE: Diamonds!

    LEONIE: What a splendid necklace!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Necklace? My god it's big as a river!

    LAURENCE: (to Leonie) Do you understand it?

    LEONIE: Absolutely not!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah, I get it. It's a gift from friend Maxime to his fiancee!

    LAURENCE: That's possible!

    LEONIE: By what right does Mr. Duvernet permit himself to send me diamonds?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: My word! by the right diamonds have to present themselves everywhere; anyway, at the situation you are in --

    LEONIE: At the situation we are in, Mr. Duvernet is an impertinent! No, this jewel box is not for me, but for Laurence!

    LAURENCE: Not at all; there's a mistake --It's for you!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Ah! it's indeed the first time I've seen two women send back a jewel!!

    (Enter Baptiste hurriedly.)

    BAPTISTE: Madame! madame! here he is!

    LAURENCE: My husband?

    BAPTISTE: The master! It's the master! He's getting out of a cab!

    LAURENCE: Him! It's him! Ah! that makes everything all right!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: We've got him! Don't let him escape! I am running to city-hall! Which way so as not to meet him?

    LAURENCE: By this door!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It won't be long, the wretch! (he leaves excitedly)

    BAPTISTE: (announcing) The master! (he leaves with Therese)

    (Robert enters slowly from the back, in English traveling costume, large overcoat, cap, etc.)

    LAURENCE: (running to him and kissing him) Ah! my friend, how happy I am to see you!

    ROBERT: (very cold, in a slightly English accent) Very happy as well.

    LEONIE: (aside) That tone!

    LAURENCE: Ah! if you knew how worried I was by your absence!

    ROBERT: No reason to be, madame.

    LAURENCE: Madame! Here it is three days that you've been far from me and instead of kissing me --

    ROBERT: Why didn't you say it right away! With pleasure (kissing her coldly on the face and going to sit down)

    LAURENCE: But where are you coming from, my God?

    ROBERT: I'm coming from London!

    LAURENCE: From London?

    LEONIE: He's frozen himself crossing the Channel!

    ROBERT: Ah! Madame Vanvres, pardon me, I didn't see you. (he bows ceremoniously)

    LEONIE: Sir!

    LAURENCE: What were you doing in London, my friend?

    ROBERT: Why, first of all paying a visit of politeness to my fellow citizens; because, you know, madame, that I am English, and then to correct, by living with a nation calm and cold, this petulance of character of which I gave you here even, an irritating example!

    LAURENCE: Well, there, truly, I prefer you in the French way!

    ROBERT: No, madame.

    LAURENCE: What do you mean, no?

    ROBERT: You've made me understand sufficiently that my education was not complete, and that I was lacking a certain polish.

    LAURENCE: (wanting to speak) My God!

    ROBERT: This English polish!

    LEONIE: (impatiently) Ah, indeed, are you going to always talk like this, now?

    ROBERT: (coldly) Always!

    LAURENCE: And you will always dress like that?

    ROBERT: Always!

    LEONIE: And always as vibrant?

    LAURENCE: As friendly?

    ROBERT: Always! (he goes to the chimney, sitting before it holding his legs in the air)

    THE TWO WOMEN: (horrified) Oh!

    LEONIE: My dear Laurence, my sincere compliments! I see you already strolling the length of Picadilly or on the lawns of Hyde Park with a rose bonnet decorated with a green veil, a gooseberry dress, a yellow scarf on the arm of milord in a raincoat and macintosh. That's splendid! And if I weren't French, I would be English!

    BAPTISTE: (entering) Madame!

    LAURENCE: What is it this time?

    BAPTISTE: A bouquet that they just brought for madame.

    LEONIE: Who from?

    BAPTISTE: Madame asks me --

    LAURENCE: On whose behalf --?

    BAPTISTE: I don't know. Here's the bouquet.

    (Baptiste gives the bouquet to Laurence, enveloped in paper.)

    LAURENCE: I mustn't accept.

    LEONIE: A bouquet is always accepted.

    (Baptiste leaves.)

    LAURENCE: But, my husband?

    LEONIE: (pointing to Robert who seems to be asleep) Does he think of you?

    LAURENCE: Leonie!

    LEONIE: (pointing to Robert who is drowsing) Here, look!

    LAURENCE: (she pulls the bouquet from its envelope and utters a scream) Ah!

    LEONIE: A bouquet of orange blossoms.

    LAURENCE: Orange blossoms!

    LEONIE: In any case, who is it that was able --

    MAXIME: (entering) Arrived! Has he arrived?

    LAURENCE: Yes, from England.

    MAXIME: That's not possible! I'm coming from the pass-port office, they didn't issue one to him.

    ROBERT: (without budging from his place) Yes! they no longer issue passports to England.

    MAXIME: (grabbing his hand) You are breathing then! You feel well! Yes --Let's go, much better!

    LAURENCE: (making him turn towards her) Pardon! Is it you, Mr . Duvernet, who sent us these jewels?

    MAXIME: What jewels?

    LEONIE: Is it you, Mr. Duvernet who sent us this bouquet?

    MAXIME: What jewels? what bouquet?

    LAURENCE: (pointing to the jewel box) This one!

    LEONIE: (showing him the bouquet) This one!

    MAXIME: These diamonds! these flowers!

    LEONIE: Perhaps you haven't noticed what sort of flowers?

    MAXIME: Orange buds! (laughing) Ah! ha!

    LAURENCE: You are laughing?

    MAXIME: I don't know who sent you this bouquet, but I swear it wasn't me.

    LEONIE: Then who can it be?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering rapidly and announcing) It's me!

    LEONIE: What do you mean it's you?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Eh! by Jove! yes, it's me! Is Robert ready?

    LAURENCE: Ah! You are the author of such mystification?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What mystification?

    LEONIE: I ought to have suspected it

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (speechless) But what? (Leonie shows him the bouquet)

    LEONIE: You have the impertinence to send a bouquet of orange blossoms to me, Madame de Vanvres?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Orange blossoms! to you, again! Thanks! What a joke! I might have understood a carton of oranges!

    LEONIE: Then it wasn't you?

    MAXIME: No, I swear.

    LAURENCE: (to Roquefeuille) Nor you?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Why, by Jove! let's move on! Where is Robert?

    LAURENCE AND LEONIE: Hush!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: God forgive me! I think he's sleeping!

    LEONIE: He's really got the look of it!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He really picked his time well! I've just come from city-hall, we don't have a minute to lose. Wake him up, wake him up! He cannot appear in that outfit before the authorities!

    LAURENCE: Why, why not?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (exasperated) Eh! It's your affair, by Jove! Since this morning, I've only gone up and down stairs, and run from the church to the city-hall and the city-hall to the church! The mayor sent me to his vicar, and the assistant who sent me to his beadle. And the cabs and the coachmen and the crowd of brats! Mr. Mayor! --Mr. Mayor! Yes, yes, I'm making fun of you. The Mayor. Try to understand me! go!

    MAXIME: Why then, why then! Madame consents. You are consenting then?

    LEONIE: Huh?

    MAXIME: Why this marriage! this church, this city-hall! It's for us! ' LEONIE: For us!

    MAXIME: Damn!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Heavens, it's true, he knows nothing about it! Let's leave him in his error! the unfortunate!

    MAXIME: (to Leonie) Ah! Madame! If you consent --A word, a single word!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (making Leonie move) Go get dressed!

    MAXIME: As a bride?

    LEONIE: Not at all, sir, as a bridesmaid!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Then keep the bouquet so the illusion will be complete!

    (Leonie shrugs her shoulders.)

    LEONIE: Ah! you are an impertinent! (she leaves)

    MAXIME: But I don't understand a thing! But if it's not me who is getting married, who's getting married here?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That doesn't concern you. (to Laurence) Hurry up, I'm going to keep the mayor patient. (Pointing to Robert) Dress him ! (to Maxime ) Come on, march!

    LAURENCE: But my friend --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Black tie --it's de riguer! A marriage, grand mourning. (He drags Maxime off)

    LAURENCE: An hour! I have only an hour and Robert's sleeping. How to get him out of this costume to put a black suit on? (She approaches him and calls him softly) Robert, my friend, Robert (he snores a bit) Oh! (calling anew) Robert!

    ROBERT: Ah! I think by Jove! that I was sleeping! What a rude character I am!

    LAURENCE: It's not a great evil, my friend, especially if you are worn out!

    ROBERT: That's my excuse if I may invoke one!

    LAURENCE: Do you need something?

    ROBERT: I need my bed. (stretches out on the sofa)

    LAURENCE: His bed! (aloud) Don't you think it would be better to get out of these heavy clothes?

    ROBERT: I would, willingly enough, but I will confess to you that I feel myself so at ease in this excellent little sofa that the least movement terrifies me!

    LAURENCE: That doesn't matter! Am I not here?

    ROBERT: I don't wish to abuse.

    LAURENCE: On the contrary, it's a pleasure for me. Between young marrieds, these little efforts, aren't they a proof of tenderness that one loves to give?

    ROBERT: (incredulous) Oh! oh!

    LAURENCE: You doubt it? Isn't your wife your housekeeper?

    ROBERT: What you are saying is very nice, my dear Laurence, and I pay you my sincere compliment, if you still see life still lit in the reflections of our honey moon! But --

    LAURENCE: But --?

    ROBERT: You are behindhand! the years are slipping by, and what used to appear as a charming game and full of poetry, risks today becoming ridiculous nonsense.

    LAURENCE: Am I hearing you?

    ROBERT: I astonish you?

    LAURENCE: Why, yes, I confess it. And what you are tell me, it's barely three years --She sits on the cassock near Robert)

    ROBERT: (rising abruptly) Pardon me!

    LAURENCE: Ah --you are leaving me!

    ROBERT: No--but if someone surprised us they would perhaps think we were amorous.

    LAURENCE: What of it, my friend?

    ROBERT: What of it --that would be a little ridiculous!

    LAURENCE: Ridiculous! that you love your wife and that your wife loves you?

    ROBERT: Did I say that? In that case, I was expressing myself badly.

    LAURENCE: (reanimated) Ah!

    ROBERT: I love you, my dear Laurence, I love you reasonably and seriously, as one must love one's wife, after three years of marriage.

    LAURENCE: Meaning love can't resist three years of marriage, right?

    ROBERT: That depends on the regime to which it is submitted, my dear! It closely resembles water that you place on fire. The more hot the fire, the quicker the water is most as steam! Thus, with love --

    LAURENCE: Are we there?

    ROBERT: Not yet!

    LAURENCE: Not yet is full of promises.

    ROBERT: But it's the fate which awaits man crazy enough to believe in eternal youth; let's not struggle and obey the laws of nature.

    LAURENCE: That's charming! Meaning --

    ROBERT: Meaning that the autumn of life, one mustn't ask for the poetry of spring nor the ardors of summer.

    LAURENCE: (troubled) Ah! Robert, how can you say that to me?

    ROBERT: What you made me understand, although you didn't say it to me, three days ago! I thought it over and I saw how wise you were .

    LAURENCE: No indeed!

    ROBERT: (laughing) Yes, indeed?

    LAURENCE: Are you sure of having clearly understood?

    ROBERT: Perfectly! Decidedly, you were right! These clothes are heavy! So, I'm going to follow your opinion and change 'em! (goes into his room)

    LAURENCE: (alone) He no longer loves me! I no longer suspect it now! You don't talk like this if you are in love. He no longer loves me.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering) Are you ready?

    LAURENCE: Not yet!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Let's not joke; the cabs are following me. I am in a sweat.

    LAURENCE: Robert went into his room; he's going to find his clothes prepared on his bed, with his gloves and his white tie. I hid the other clothes.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Good, good! still a half hour! You know --the mayor --his shareholders. No dividends! he must be on time! I am going to keep him patient, he will make me patient, we will make each other patient. But by Jove if they ever catch me marrying someone!

    LAURENCE: Marry us! Ah, no my friend! Robert's not going to want to marry any more; he no longer loves me!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What?

    LAURENCE: Once at city-hall, he's going to say, "No"!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Not bluntly like that?

    LAURENCE: I would never have thought it. But it's a horrible fear which is coming to me suddenly!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (terrified) Why, no! no indeed! What an idea! Now there's an idea for goodness sake!

    LAURENCE: Hush! he's coming!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You see clearly, he has his black gloves, his white suit --that is to say --no. Anyway, little matters, he's dressed, we are saved.

    ROBERT: (entering in slippers and robe) There!

    ROQUEFEUILLE AND LAURENCE: Ah!

    ROBERT: The fact is I'm more comfortable this way!

    LAURENCE: (stupefied) In a bath robe?

    ROBERT: Yes, in a bath robe!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: In slippers?

    ROBERT: And in slippers. Heavens, you here? Hello I really had enough trouble finding them.

    LAURENCE: But, my friend, it's impossible for you to remain like this!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's impractical!

    ROBERT: Impractical, why?

    LAURENCE: Why, if someone comes to visit?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes, --several visits --a herd of visits

    ROBERT: I will lock the door.

    LAURENCE: You are going to suffocate!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He's going to suffocate! It's so hot --

    ROBERT: I will open the window!

    LAURENCE: That's impossible

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Impossible! It's so cold

    ROBERT: (drily) Impossible! I don't understand, my dear Laurence, you engage me to leave my traveling clothes for me to rest, I listen to you, I slip into my bathrobe, I slip on my slippers, and you are not satisfied? Truly, what do you want? For me to put on a white tie and black suit?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Why, exactly --There it is --that's what we want!

    ROBERT: You will never persuade me that this is dress for the master of the house. Then, put on a fancy dress and light the lights!

    LAURENCE: (aside) What to do, my God!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (to Laurence) And the mayor who's waiting on pins and needles! You've got to reveal --

    LAURENCE: Never! That would be risking everything!

    ROBERT: Why, what's the matter with you?

    LAURENCE: Me, I --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Oh! an idea! --By Jove, yes!

    ROBERT: Well?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Well, yes, my friend, I've lost.

    ROBERT: Lost? Lost what?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: A wager that I made with these ladies, and that you've made me lose!

    ROBERT: Explain yourself!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: You've half guessed it. I wanted to make you leave your traveling clothes, not for a bath robe, but for a black formal. I bet with these ladies to get to that result without letting you know, I lost!

    ROBERT: You see! And what was the reason for this masquerade?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: They'll tell you when you are disguised.

    ROBERT: No, before, or I won't disguise myself!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What bullheadedness! Before, so be it! You are the witness to your friend Maxime, who's getting married in a half-hour at the city-hall of the quarter.

    LAURENCE: (low) For goodness sake!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Hush! It was the only way. (low)

    ROBERT: He's getting married?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: He's getting married. Ah! I think so indeed, the character! Everybody gets married, she's getting married.

    LAURENCE: (still hesitant) But --

    ROBERT: Madame de Vanvres has agreed with --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: No, without enthusiasm!

    ROBERT: And it's in a half hour?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: In a half hour!

    LAURENCE: (low) My God! you --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (low) I told you it's the only way!

    ROBERT: Why didn't you tell me sooner, my dear?

    LAURENCE: Me! tell you that --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And the bet?

    ROBERT: The bet, that's right! Let's go! so much the better! there's our friend Maxime, the happiest of men!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: After you!

    ROBERT: After me?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Come on, quick! this outfit, this tie --

    ROBERT: Black, right?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: White! wretch.

    ROBERT: Do you think a long tie --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: White! white! white! A witness is almost a husband!

    ROBERT: Don't worry! In five minutes you will have an irreproachable witness! (goes into his room)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's done! (falling into a chair)

    LAURENCE: But what are you thinking of? To tell him that Leonie is going to get married?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: That was the only means I had.

    LAURENCE: But she doesn't want to.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: It's necessary that she want to.

    LAURENCE: But think --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I am not thinking, I am not thinking! Since this morning I haven't known what I am doing --and you plainly see, because I've just married someone --me!

    LAURENCE: But --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Don't say but. You've driven me mad with your marriage. And, since it is like that, well, yes! I will drag Madame de Vanvres to the altar, I will drag Robert to the altar, and I will drag myself, where we will tell everybody why --

    LAURENCE: There's not a moment to lose! Got to warn Leonie at least!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Warn her, don't warn her, it's all the same to me! I am running to the church to make the Swiss patient!

    LAURENCE: One moment!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (without listening to her) I suspect the Swiss! (Leonie enters) Ah! Madame de Vanvres! victory! He's dressing like a groom! Now this is still the most beautiful day of life! By Jove! in that case what is the most ugly? (He leaves)

    LEONIE: He's dressing as a groom?

    LAURENCE: Not positively!

    LEONIE: What do you mean!

    LAURENCE: But it's the same outfit.

    LEONIE: The same costume?

    LAURENCE: My dear Leonie! my only, my unique friend! my fate is in your hands!

    LEONIE: Speak!

    LAURENCE: Then learn --

    (Robert enters in full attire.)

    ROBERT: (bowing) Madame!

    LAURENCE: (aside) For now, it's over.

    ROBERT: (to Leonie) You see I haven't kept any rancor for your misdeeds towards me?

    LEONIE: I see it --in what?

    ROBERT: You haven't noticed this dignified and solemn attire?

    LEONIE: In what way, I beg you, is this dignified and solemn attire a proof that you have forgotten my misdeeds?

    LAURENCE: (to Leonie) Shut up!

    LEONIE: (astonished) Huh?

    ROBERT: What! you are still jesting at this supreme moment?

    LEONIE: What supreme moment?

    ROBERT: Why is there nothing sacred for you about it?

    LEONIE: What isn't sacred?

    ROBERT: Ah! for goodness sake, that's too much. If this is the way you reward your witnesses?

    LEONIE: What witness?

    LAURENCE: (low) Silence! wretched woman! I didn't have the time to tell you you are getting married in ten minutes.

    LEONIE: (speechless) Me?

    MAXIME: (entering) Ah! Robert in black suit!

    ROBERT:: Yes, my dear friend, on your account.

    MAXIME: On my account?

    ROBERT: Are we going to start all over? Word of honor, they are crazy.

    LEONIE: (low to Laurence) This passes all bounds, and it a strange abuse --

    LAURENCE: Listen to me.

    ROBERT: I am the witness for Madame de Vanvres, who you are marrying in ten minutes.

    MAXIME: You are saying that --?

    ROBERT: Happiness has put your head topsy-turvy.

    MAXIME: (to Leonie) Ah! you consent, madame! Joy, shock --

    LEONIE: Excuse me, excuse me --

    LAURENCE: Leonie!

    MAXIME: Madame!

    ROBERT: What, still hesitations? When you are perfectly decided, you can inform me. (goes into his room)

    LEONIE: (to Laurence) Why, you know you are putting me in a frightful position!

    LAURENCE: It was the only way to make him put on a black suit !

    MAXIME: (astonished) My marriage depends on Robert's black suit?

    LEONIE: Here I am handsomely compromised.

    MAXIME: One word, madame and I will return you the honor!

    LEONIE: Leave me alone! This is really about you!

    LAURENCE: It was necessary! By seeing you consent to your marriage, he will be forced to consent to his.

    MAXIME: Who's he?

    LEONIE: This doesn't concern you! Listen, Laurence, I consent to a compromise, I will accompany you to city-hall, but don't ask anything more of me!

    LAURENCE: That's not enough!

    MAXIME: (repeating without understanding) That's not enough!

    LAURENCE: If you say no, he will say no, too.

    MAXIME: (stupefied) He will say no, too!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering) Let's go! let's go! The mayor's impatient, and the Swiss wouldn't listen.

    LEONIE: I absolutely must marry Mr. Duvernet.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Two marriages! Very fine. The more fools there are, the more they laugh. Forward march!

    MAXIME: Ah, indeed! but whose is the second marriage? Is it yours?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: No bad jokes!

    MAXIME: Still!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: None of your business. Let's go! move!

    LAURENCE: My dear Leonie!

    MAXIME: Madame!

    LEONIE: Well?

    LAURENCE: Well?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Come on, then! what are you doing there?

    LEONIE: (giving Maxime her hand) It's not for you, anyway, sir!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: There's one --now the other!

    LAURENCE: Call Robert!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Robert! Robert!

    LEONIE: Could he have taken flight?

    ROQUEFEUILLE: I don't have time to wait for him, I am running to the city-hall; all you've got is a few minutes! En route! (he leaves)

    LEONIE: Let's go my dear, sir, is happiness paralyzing you? Find this unfindable Robert for us!

    MAXIME: (leaving) Robert! Robert!

    LAURENCE: (kissing Leonie) Ah! it's to you that I owe my happiness!

    LEONIE: I hope I'll be able to say as much?

    LAURENCE: He loves you! he will make you happy!

    LEONIE: May God wish it!

    LAURENCE: But Robert! where is Robert? (she leaves --Baptiste and Therese enter) Have you seen my husband?

    THERESE: Why, madame --

    LAURENCE: At the last moment! Run! Look!

    (Maxime enters.)

    LEONIE: Well?

    MAXIME: Nobody!

    LEONIE: Nobody!

    LAURENCE: It's fate!

    LEONIE: Two o'clock is going to strike!

    MAXIME: Robert!

    LAURENCE: Robert!

    LEONIE: Mr. Maubray!

    BAPTISTE AND THERESE: Sir! Sir!

    ROBERT: (entering) Somebody call me?

    MAXIME: We've got him.

    LAURENCE: At last!

    LEONIE: Quick, give me your arm and let's get going!

    ROBERT: Here it is!

    (Two o'clock strikes.)

    LEONIE: Two o'clock!

    ALL: Two o'clock

    ROQUEFEUILLE: (entering, breathless) Too late!

    LAURENCE: It's all over. (she collapses on the sofa)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: The mayor left in a rage. He won't come back!

    MAXIME: And to think I had reached port! (collapsing in an armchair)

    LEONIE: Poor Laurence!

    (Moment of silence and embarrassment.)

    ROBERT: (pulling white gloves out of his pocket, slowly putting them on, approaching Laurence) Miss?

    ALL: Huh?

    ROBERT: Will Miss Laurence de Croix do me the honor of granting me her hand?

    LAURENCE: (rising) Robert --then you knew?

    ROBERT: Everything!

    LAURENCE: Ah! how I love you! (she falls in his arms)

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Bravo! Well played!

    MAXIME: If I understand any of this --

    LAURENCE: My dear husband --

    ROBERT: (smiling) Not yet --

    LEONIE: But how did you guess --

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Yes, how --?

    ROBERT: (pulling the newspaper from his pocket) This paper that you tried to hide from me, and that Baptiste unearthed for me three days ago, put me on the trail, and the clerk at city-hall to whom Roquefeuille had to reveal everything, informed me of the rest!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: And you wanted to take your revenge?

    ROBERT: On your mysteries and your secrets!

    MAXIME: What mysteries? What secrets?

    LAURENCE: So this departure?

    ROBERT: Comedy?

    LAURENCE: This coldness?

    ROBERT: That especially was comedy! Eh, what! little crazy-head, you doubted me for a single moment? You were able to believe that I no longer loved you?

    LAURENCE: Forgive!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Very fine! very fine! But with all that, the Mayor --

    ROBERT: I was the meeting of shareholders! The mayor is waiting for us!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Still! (to Maxime) Go collect your dividends! (leading him to Madame de Vanvres)

    MAXIME: Let's hope that one day they will explain this to me.

    ROQUEFEUILLE: What for, since, as in all comedies it ends in a marriage.

    ROBERT: With two marriages.

    MAXIME: (taking Leonie's hand) Mine and?

    ROBERT: (taking Laurence's hand) And mine!

    MAXIME: Ah, bah!

    ROQUEFEUILLE: Your example profits me --I will do the same --if it's possible to marry --without taking a wife.

    CURTAIN