THE CURIOUS CIRCUMSTANCE OF THE MAID'S MUSTACHE

Frank J. Morlock

EText by Dagny
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                     By

                     Frank J. Morlock
                     C 2003

WATSON: I think this time I shall have bit of a surprise for you, Holmes.

HOLMES: Indeed, Watson, that will be a new experience. What is it?

WATSON: The Maid, Mrs. Jermyn.

HOLMES: Ah, yes, the autopsy.

WATSON: It was rather interesting.

HOLMES: The cause of death was accidental, Watson.

WATSON: (stunned) We came to that conclusion, Holmes. But how did you know that?

HOLMES: (smugly) I think I shall keep that to myself at present.

WATSON: (astounded) Astounding! You were able to deduce that?

HOLMES: Do go on. You haven't surprised me quite yet.

WATSON: But that was not what was so surprising, Holmes.

HOLMES: (surprised) Indeed? Something else proved surprising?

WATSON: Why, yes, rather.

HOLMES: What was it, Watson. That the body had been moved?

WATSON: No, although we arrived at that conclusion, too. You deduced that? You really are amazing Holmes.

HOLMES: Or that the deceased had recently visited the sea?

WATSON: You noticed that, too, eh?

HOLMES: And that, I think exhausts your list of surprises does it not?

WATSON: Well, no, not quite.

HOLMES: Was it the curious circumstance of the two left shoes?

WATSON: No, not that.

HOLMES: Well, well, my dear fellow; this must certainly have been a shocker.

WATSON: It was. Frankly it wasn't evident until we had removed the deceased's clothes.

HOLMES: (curious himself) Well. What was it, dear fellow?

WATSON: The Maid, Mrs. Jermyn, was a man.

HOLMES: A man?

WATSON: A man!

HOLMES: This is rather a surprise Watson.

WATSON: It was for me, too, I assure you.

HOLMES: It puts, as it were, a whole new complexion on the case.

WATSON: It does indeed Holmes.

HOLMES: It rather causes me to question my powers of observation, Watson.

WATSON: (agreeably) Yes, it does cause one to do that. (Holmes glares at Watson) That is to say —

HOLMES: Well, well, this is surprising.

WATSON: I thought you'd find it so.

HOLMES: I detest surprises, Watson.

WATSON: I understand that Holmes.

HOLMES: Surprises are disagreeable.

WATSON: (agreeably) Indeed Holmes, quite disagreeable.

HOLMES: They confuse one's thoughts.

WATSON: Often, I've noticed that myself.

HOLMES: It is entirely explicable why I did not notice this peculiarity, Watson.

WATSON: Quite so, Holmes.

HOLMES: There are many women who have mustaches and smoke cigars.

WATSON: Quite so, Holmes. It's the deplorable state of morality —

HOLMES: It could have happened to anyone, Watson.

WATSON: I quite agree Holmes.

HOLMES: There was no reason to assume that just because Mrs. Jermyn had certain male features —

WATSON: Not the slightest in the world, Holmes.

HOLMES: It would have been rude to refer to it.

WATSON: Absolutely.

HOLMES: Un-English.

WATSON: But what do you suppose it means, Holmes?

HOLMES: It means, it means that Mrs. Jermyn was Mr. Jermyn, Watson.

WATSON: Yes, yes, quite so, Holmes. But what does it signify, Holmes?

HOLMES. That the deceased was curiously careless about gender, Watson.

WATSON: An Englishman should always be meticulous about gender, Holmes. I've always said so.

HOLMES: We don't want any of these continental Hermaphrodites knocking about England!

WATSON: Hear! Hear! Not in Merry England.

HOLMES: If they're going to do that sort of thing, they should be sent to France!

WATSON: An Englishman for my money!

HOLMES: I'm with you there, Watson.

WATSON: None of that here in this sceptered isle.

CURTAIN