Etext by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
Frank J. Morlock
C 2003
++++++++++++++++++++++++
CHARACTERS
CASSANDER
ISABELLE
CASSECROUTE
PICOTIN
GILLES
++++++++++++++++++++++++
GILLES: (alone) By Jove, I've fallen in with a good master, or rather with a good mistress: 'cause Mamzell Izabelle wears the pants : It's true she doesn't use 'em fairly, but what's that to me? Mr. Cassander, her nice guy of a husband, is more than content. She is generous, day before yesterday she gave me a writing table, the other day an old footwarmer to but my shoes on, yesterday a painting, and today six pairs of old slippers, some gingerbread, a wooden tablespoon, and more than thirty pieces of sheet music with new songs, and my soup is always full of cabbage. By Jove, all that's real nice and for doing what? For telling Mr. Chanoine that Mamzell isn't here when she's with Mr. Leander; for telling Mr. Leander that she went out when Mr. Chanoine is inside, and to say nothing about any of this to Mr. Cassander. Oh! hell, it's not real difficult, it doesn't tire me much, also I'm almost as fat as our defunct pig. But, our Miss, to listen to everything and to tell her everything. Now there are to relations of our old master; let's listen to their conversation without seeming to.
(Gilles hides as Picotin and Cassecroute enter.)
PICOTIN: (sputtering) Truly, Mr. Cassecroute, I can't stand it any more.
CASSECROUTE: What do you mean? What's the matter with you?
PICOTIN: And I am coming to warn Mr. Cassecroute that he's a fool and that he's letting himself be led by the nose by his wife.
CASSECROUTE: Damn; perhaps that's because she cannot lead him by anything else; I'm coming also to speak to him of his hair dressing.
PICOTIN: No doubt you intend to tell him about Mr. Leander.
CASSECROUTE: Oh! not at all: I am coming to tell him that Mr. Chanoine is his aide de camp.
CASSECROUTE: Wow, you see we are together and I know two of 'em.
CASSECROUTE: If there were four of us, you would see, we'd know four of 'em.
PICOTIN: But, you know, we must put some order in this and that we have never had cuckolds in the family.
CASSECROUTE: As for me I am really determined to warn him of everything that's going on.
PICOTIN: Why, as this is a family council, and it mustn't be done lightly, let's go drink a pint here near our cousin at the corner.
CASSECROUTE: I consent to that; that'll give us still more courage; we ought to bring cousin Cassander there, for they say a cup of wine bethinks its man.
PICOTIN: Oh, damnation, he drinks only water for he's not bethunk.
(They leave, then enter Isabelle.)
GILLES: By Jove, come you quick, our Miss.
ISABELLE: What is it? What's so important? Is the fire in the chimney?
GILLES: No.
ISABELLE: Has the wine spilled?
GILLES: Oh, not at all.
ISABELLE: Well, speak up then if you intend to for you are making me impatient.
GILLES: You know Mr. Thingywhatzit, of course?
ISABELLE: Who?
GILLES: Oh, there. Mr. Thingymabob, thingywhatzit, relative of your thingymabob.
ISABELLE: Hey! my God, how many things.
GILLES: Mr. Picotin.
ISABELLE: Who, the cobbler?
GILLES: Yes, himself. And Mr. thingywhatzit, Mr. Cassecroute, the whatzit.
ISABELLE: The latrine cleaner?
GILLES: Yes, the cousins of your thingymabob.
ISABELLE: Come on, will you, the cousins of my husband?
GILLES: Yeah! well, they know everything.
ISABELLE: What do you mean everything?
GILLES: Yes. The one was talking about Chanoine, the other of Mr. thingy, of Mr. Leander.
ISABELLE: They spoke only of Leander and Chanoine?
GILLES: Isn't that that enough for you?
ISABELLE: It's not that, although it might indeed be. But did you listen carefully?
GILLES: How it's true that you did it.
ISABELLE: Hey! fine, what else did they say?
GILLES: Hell, they want to inform Mr. Cassander that you are leading him by the nose, because you cannot lead him any other way, that they've never had such thingys in their family: and the final end was they went to drink a pint.
ISABELLE: And all this at one time?
GILLES: And isn't that enough for you? Hey! indeed, what are you going to do?
ISABELLE: Me! I am going to tell Mr. Cassander.
GILLES: By Jove, take care of yourself, you mustn't talk of things in the home of a thingymabob.
ISABELLE: Don't you see that, once I've instructed him, they won't be able to tell him anything?
GILLES: That is still true.
ISABELLE: But I am very obliged to you. Go drink the remainder of the bottle you will find in the armoire that I was keeping for my supper.
GILLES: By Jove, I am going there. There's always something to be earned from the ladies.
ISABELLE: Get going, I tell you, for there's Mr. Cassander coming this way and I want to speak to him.
GILLES: That's not a good thing.
(Exit Gilles, enter Cassander.)
CASSANDER: Hello, my dolly; what's the matter with you? You seem very sad.
ISABELLE: Nothing's wrong.
CASSANDER: You will forgive me, sweety: melancholy is afflicting you: do you have something hidden from your little hubby?
ISABELLE: I'm afraid you haven't enough friendship for me.
CASSANDER: My God, I've never had a happier happiness than our marriage.
ISABELLE: You know if it were possible to be more satisfied than I am since marriage united us.
CASSANDER: That's true, my charmer: but why then do you seem so uneasy to me?
ISABELLE: It's because there are some scoundrels in the world who want to make us quarrel.
CASSANDER: Who are these dogs, these infidels, these Turks?
ISABELLE: Oh! I don't want to name them.
CASSANDER: Name, name forever, my adorable one.
ISABELLE: Won't do it, 'cause I don't want to make you mad.
CASSANDER: Hey! well, I won't get mad.
ISABELLE: You will tell them perhaps and then I will have embroiled you with your relatives, and they'll fight, and squabble, and have it in for your wife who they'll treat as the cause.
CASSANDER: Hey! well, word of Cassander, I won't do all that.
ISABELLE: Hey! well, 'cause I —I cannot have any secret from my dear spouse, hey! well, then Mr. Picotin and Mr. Cassecroute are mad 'cause I'm better looking than their wives, cause you see, I am how I am ——-: they said on your account, how will we put him in the wrong? We must get him fighting with his wife, that's what the two of them said.
CASSANDER: Hey! well?
ISABELLE: Hey! indeed, they will do it, they must tell Mr. Cassander that his wife has made a fool of him; see, my dear husband, if I am not right to have a sad look.
CASSANDER: Ah, the evil ones, to so attack the honor of a woman so full of modesty and honesty.
ISABELLE: Alas! you know how I comport myself; it's really hard to refuse everybody the way I do and to be treated shamefully.
CASSANDER: Hey! there! there! console yourself my incomparable, I know you better.
ISABELLE: No, I cannot do it, this isn't all, they don't stop there.
CASSANDER: What next! What are they doing?
ISABELLE: They've said it's not enough to talk like that; they've gotta name somebody.
CASSANDER: Hey! well, who are they naming?
ISABELLE: They had to look far, they are doing it between those who dwell closest to her: Chanoine, for goodness sake.
CASSANDER Ha, ha, Chanoine! My word that's clever.
ISABELLE: You know if he'd do anything, without you knowing it, it's you who brought him to the house.
CASSANDER: That's all true, since they take it that way, if I hadn't brought him, I will go find him now, and I'm going.
ISABELLE: No, it's not necessary, my dear spouse, and I don't want to see him any more.
CASSANDER: By Jove, you shall see him, he's the joy of our house, he's so jovial.
ISABELLE: An honest woman must obey her husband.
CASSANDER: No question, by Jove, now there are some funny folks, and what more did they say?
ISABELLE: There has to be another one, they continued, so as to embroil them more deeply. Let's name, they said, Mr. Leander.
CASSANDER: Ah! that one isn't bad, the best of all my friends. But you know quite well, my pretty, that if I didn't see you so sad, I would laugh like a fool, for this is too funny, Mr. Leander. Oh, my. Well?
ISABELLE: Now that's all they've decided to tell you, which they perhaps have already said to you.
CASSANDER: No indeed, my word. But let 'em come, they will waste their effort. Come on, if this is all that afflicts you—
ISABELLE: Why, what is there that's more dear to a woman than her honor? Do you know really, I would have preferred to have done it and said nothing about it?
CASSANDER: Come on, my pretty, console yourself. I am the most favored husband by fortune that's given me a wife so wise. Isabelle, give me a little love kiss.
ISABELLE: Here. But I see those evil ones coming, that I told you about. I am going in because their looks are choking me.
CASSANDER: You are doing right, my pretty, I am soon going to find you.
(Exit Isabelle, enter Cassecroute and Picotin.)
CASSANDER: (through his nose) Hello, our good relative, Cassander.
CASSANDER: Hello, hello, Mr. Picotin.
PICOTIN: (sputtering) We were to see you.
CASSANDER: That pregnancy won't last very long.
CASSECROUTE: We have many things to tell you 'cause we love you a lot.
PICOTIN: We've only had one pint apiece to prove it to you more promptly.
CASSANDER: My good gentleman relatives, I do not doubt your good intentions; but what's it all about?
PICOTIN: It's about assuring you that you have no better friends than the two of us.
CASSECROUTE: Yes, the two of us are your good relatives.
CASSANDER: In the final end, what's it all about?
PICOTIN: There's nothing more dear to us than honor, you see.
CASSANDER: It must really be dear, because it is really rare, right?
CASSECROUTE: As to that, yes, and we are coming to warn you to take care of yours.
PICOTIN: Yes, that's what brings us.
CASSANDER: Let's see then wherein is my honor.
PICOTIN: It's badly placed.
CASSANDER: That's not true, it is very well situated.
CASSECROUTE: Since he cannot be made to understand, learn you are a cuckold.
CASSANDER: That is soon said.
PICOTIN: And soon done.
CASSANDER: In the end, I'm a cuckold. How did that come about, I beg you, and from where?
CASSECROUTE: From where? By Jove that's a good one, ask your charming Isabelle.
CASSANDER: I was asking you by whom and my tongue betrayed me.
PICOTIN: I wish it hadn't slipped at home, for we are not accustomed to that in the family.
CASSANDER: But to make you comfortable gentlemen, my dear relatives and friends, I am going to tell you myself. A certain Chanoine, a certain Mr. Leander.
PICOTIN: There 'ya go.
CASSECROUTE: You've got it exactly.
CASSANDER: Yes, you think that?
PICOTIN: We don't doubt it at all.
CASSECROUTE I came expressly to tell you that.
CASSANDER: Well, Mr. Chanoine is my consolation and Mr. Leander is my best friend.
PICOTIN: She couldn't say it better, that's the way she talks.
CASSANDER: No, God damn me, I am speaking in the name of Mr. Cassander; but as my good friends are not here, I am going to speak for them, and I will beg them to do as much.
(Cassander takes a stick and beats them off. Exit Cassecroute and Picotin.)
CASSANDER: (alone) They're gone, these insolents, these evil doers who wanted to wrong an honorable girl like Isabelle. Hola! Gilles.
(Enter Gilles.)
GILLES: Sir.
CASSANDER: Call my charming Isabelle and then go beg my friends Chanoine and Mr. Leander to do me the consolation and pleasure of supping with me this evening.
GILLES: You've only the usual for them —not two big mutton shanks with a lot of fixins?
CASSANDER: No, I don't have that, but they put up with it often enough.
GILLES: I'm going there. Tally ho! Mistress, now there's our master asking for you.
ISABELLE: (entering) What do you want my dear spouse?
CASSANDER: To tell you how I dusted off these good rogues of relatives.
ISABELLE: Don't bother; I saw everything through the hole in the sink.
CASSANDER: Aren't you satisfied with me?
ISABELLE: I am charmed by the softness and confidence of my dear spouse.
CASSANDER: No question, I may have the wisest and most reserved wife in Paris.
ISABELLE: Count on it, my dear spouse, I will always be the same.
CASSANDER: Come on, let's prepare everything to receive our friends. Gentlemen, trust me, as much is being done tonight at your home.
CURTAIN