EText by Dagny
EText by Dagny
This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
By
C 1982
My intention in writing this play was to distill the essence of
Congreve, to the extent of my ability, into one stageworthy play.
Congreve wrote four comedies, The Way of The World being his
acknowledged masterpiece. Love for Love is less brilliant but easier to
perform, though it seldom is. His earlier plays, The Old Bachelor and
the Double Dealer contain very good material but are rarely read let
alone performed. Revival is unlikely. I had the idea of building a
pastiche of all the comedies. My plan was to build on the general plot
of Love for Love and weave characters and dialogue from the other plays
into and around it. In the process some characters are blended with
other characters, and acquire clever dialogue found elsewhere. The
result is, hopefully, a lively play that will keep Congreve's best work
before the public eye. But for a transitonal phrase or two, almost
every line in this play is Congreve's. It stands to reason then, that
whatever virtues it has are his, and whatever faults are mine. The play
is not meant as an imitation or improvement of Congreve but rather a
“good parts” version of his existing works. Frank Morlock
Dramatis Personae:
Men
Foresight, an astrologer Sir Sampson Plyant, a crusty old man
Valentine, his son, in love with Angelica Ben, his younger son, a naval
officer Lord Froth, an exquisite gentleman Scandal, Valentine's friend
Maskwell, a villain, secretary to Foresight Tattle, a beau valued for
his secrecy
Women
Lady Foresight, an adulterous wife in love with Valentine Angelica,
a spirited and affected young woman, niece to Foresight Mrs. Frail,
sister to Foresight, a woman of the town Prue, Foresight's daughter by
an earlier marriage Nurse Servant
Time: London, circa 1699
Foresight
What, are all the women in my family abroad? Is not my wife come
home? Nor my sister, nor my daughter?
Servant
No, sir.
Foresight
What can be the meaning of it? Sure the moon is in all her
fortitudes. Is my niece Angelica at home?
Servant
Yes, sir.
Foresight
I believe you lie, madame.
Servant
Sir?
Foresight
I say you lie. It is impossible that anything should be as I would
have it; for I was born when the Crab was ascendant and all my affairs
go backward.
Servant
I can't tell, indeed, sir.
Foresight
No, I know you can't, madame. But I can tell, and foretell, too.
Servant
Ha, ha, ha.
Foresight
What's the matter?
Servant
You have put on one stocking inside out.
Foresight
That may be a sign of very good luck. I have had several omens
recently. I got out of bed backwards this morning—and without
premeditation—pretty good that—but then a black cat crossed my path
—bad that. Some bad, some good. (looking at his watch) Three o'clock.
A very good hour for business.
(Enter Angelica.)
Angelica
Is it not a good hour for pleasure too, Uncle Foresight? Pray lend
me your coach, mine's out of order.
Foresight
What, would you be gadding about, too? Sure all these females are
mad today. An evil portent. I remember a prophecy—it bodes of
cuckoldom.
Angelica
But Uncle Foresight, I can neither make you a cuckold by going out,
nor secure you from it by staying at home.
Foresight
Not so. While one woman is left in the house, the prophecy is not
in full force—
Angelica
But my inclinations are in force; I have a mind to go out. If you
won't lend me your coach, I'll take a hackney. Cast a horoscope and see
who is in conjunction with your wife. You know my Aunt is a little
retrograde in her nature. I'm afraid you are not the lord of the
ascendant. Ha, ha, ha.
Foresight
You are a very pert jill flirt.
Angelica (stifling her laughter)
Uncle, don't be angry. If you are, I'll swear you are a nuisance to
the neighborhood with your false prophecies, miraculous dreams, and
idle divinations.
Foresight
Why, you malapert—
Angelica
Will you lend me your coach? Or I'll continue: Nay, I'll declare
how you prophesized popery was coming. Indeed, Uncle, I'll indict you
for a wizard.
Foresight
Was there ever such a provoking minx?
Servant
How she talks—
Angelica
Yes, and I can make oath of your unlawful midnight practices, you
and old Nanny there.
Servant
Oh, Lord, I at midnight practices!
Angelica
Yes. I saw you two together through the keyhole one night, like
Satan and the Witch of Endor pricking your thumbs to write poor
innocents' names in blood.
Foresight
I defy you, hussy.
Angelica
I know something worse, if I would speak of it.
Foresight
I'll remember this; I'll be revenged on you, cockatrice; I'll
hamper you. You have your fortune in your own hands, but—
Angelica
Will you? All shall out then. Look to it, Nanny. I can bear witness
that you have a great unnatural teat under your left arm and he
another, and that you suckle a young devil in the shape of a tabby cat,
by turns—I can.
Foresight
A teat. A teat. I, an unnatural teat! Oh, false slanderous thing.
Servant (pushing her bust out)
Feel, feel here if I have anything but what is like any other
Christian.
Foresight
I will have patience. It is in my stars that I should be thus
tormented. This is the effect of the malicious conjunctions and
oppositions in the third house of my nativity; there the curse of
kindred was foretold. But I'll punish you. I'll have my doors locked
up. Not one man, not one gallant shall enter my house. Consider that,
hussy.
Angelica
Do, Uncle, do. Lock 'em up quickly before my Aunt comes home.
You'll have a letter for alimony tomorrow morning. But let me begone
first, and then let no man come near this house but he who converses
with spirits and the celestial signs, the bull, and the ram, and the
goat. Bless me! there are a great many horned beasts among the twelve
signs. But patient cuckolds, they say, go to heaven.
Foresight
There's but one virgin among the twelve signs, spitfire, but one
virgin.
Angelica
No doubt she had an astrologer husband. That is what makes my Aunt
go abroad.
Foresight
How? How? Is that the reason? Come, you know something. Tell me,
and I'll forgive you. Do, good Niece. Come, you shall have my coach and
horses. Does my wife complain? I know women tell one another—she has a
wanton eye and was born under Gemini, which may incline her to—
incline; she has a mole upon her lip and a moist palm, and an open
liberality on the mount of Venus—
Angelica
Ha, ha, ha.
Foresight
Don't perplex your poor Uncle. Tell me. Won't you speak?
Angelica
Goodbye, Uncle. Ha, ha, ha. I'll find out my Aunt and tell her she
must not come home.
(Enter Valentine, a magnificent Chevalier, who bows deeply to Angelica.)
Angelica
Ah, Valentine, you here?
Foresight
Ha, your gallant has arrived. We'll speak of this another time,
Niece. Come, Nurse.
(Foresight and Nurse go out.)
Angelica
Valentine, did you take exception last night? Oh, aye—and went
away. Now I think on it, I am angry. No, now I think on it, I am
pleased, for I believe I gave you some pain.
Valentine
Does that please you?
Angelica
Infinitely! I love to give pain.
Valentine
Do not affect cruelty. Your true nature is the power of pleasing.
Angelica
Oh, I ask your pardon for that. One's cruelty is one's power, and
when one parts with one's cruelty, one parts with one's power and when
one parts with that, I fancy one's old and ugly.
Valentine
To be sure, sacrifice your lover to your cruelty. But I'll tell you
a secret: beauty is a lover's gift, it is a reflection of a lover's
praise, not a woman's face.
Angelica
By which you prove that if I give up my lover, I give up my beauty?
Vain man. You would never have loved me if I were not handsome. Why,
one makes lovers as fast as one pleases and they live as long as one
pleases, and they die as soon as one pleases, and if one pleases one
makes more.
Valentine
Very pretty.
Angelica
I'd as soon owe my beauty to a lover as my wit to an echo.
Valentine
Ah, but you do.
Angelica
How so?
Valentine
To your lover, you owe the pleasure of hearing yourself praised,
and to an echo, the pleasure of hearing yourself talk.
Angelica
Foh! I'm going out.
Valentine
I would beg a little private audience. You had the tyranny to deny
me last night, though I came to impart a secret that concerned our
love.
Angelica
You saw I was engaged.
Valentine
You had the leisure to entertain a herd of fools. How can you
delight in such society?
Angelica
I please myself—besides I do it for my health.
Valentine
Your health!
Angelica
Yes. It prevents the vapors. If you persist in this offensive
freedom, you'll displease me. I think I must resolve, after all, not to
have you. We shan't agree.
Valentine
Not as regards medicinal matters.
Angelica
And yet, our distemper shall be the same, for we shall be sick of
one another. I shan't endure to be reprimanded, nor instructed; 'tis so
tedious to be told one's faults. I can't bear it. Well, I won't have
you, Valentine. I'm resolved. (hesitating) I think— You may go.
(bursts out laughing) Ha, ha, ha. (Valentine shows signs of being
thoroughly vexed) (good-naturedly, almost mischievously) What would you
give that you could help loving me?
Valentine (furious)
I would give something if you did not know I cannot help it!
Angelica
Come, don't look so grave then—it's a sure sign.
Valentine
A man may as soon make a friend with his wit or a fortune by his
honesty as win a woman with sincerity!
Angelica
Sententious Valentine! Prithee, don't look so wise and
violent—like Solomon at the dividing of the child.
Valentine (controlling himself)
You are a merry madame, but I would persuade you to be serious for
a moment.
Angelica
What, with that face? No, if you keep your countenance it is
impossible I should keep mine. (musing) Well, after all, there is
something very moving in a lovesick face. Ha, ha, ha. Well, I won't
laugh, it would be cruel—don't be peevish. Ah, now I'll be melancholy,
as melancholy as, as a poet. (she assumes a very melancholy pose) Well,
Val, if you ever would win me, woo me now. (Valentine remains furiously
silent) Ah, if you are so tedious, fare you well— (starts to leave)
Valentine
Can you not find in the variety of your disposition even one
moment?
Angelica
To hear you tell me that your father proposes to disinherit you?
Valentine
But, how came you to know of it?
Angelica
I will leave you to consider. When you have done thinking of that,
think of me.
(Angelica sails out, leaving Valentine perplexed and cursing under his breath.)
Valentine (exploding)
INCONSTANT CREATURE!
(That stops Angelica and she returns.)
Angelica
You can't accuse me of inconstancy; I never told you that I love
you.
Valentine
Then I accuse you of not telling me whether you do or not.
Angelica
I have never troubled myself to make up my mind on the question.
Valentine
Nor good nature enough to do so—
Angelica
What, are you setting up for good nature?
Valentine
As women do for virtue, for the affectation of it. (desperately)
Why won't you hear me with patience?
Angelica
I'm tired of being pestered with flames and stuff. I think I shan't
endure the sight of a fire this twelvemonth.
Valentine
Even fire cannot melt that cruel, frozen heart.
Angelica
God, how I hate your hideous fancy; if you must talk of love, for
heaven's sake, do it with variety; don't always come like the devil
wrapped up in flames. I'll not hear another sentence that begins: “I
burn . . .”
Valentine
Tell me how you would be adored. I am very tractable.
Angelica
In silence.
Valentine
Humph, I thought so, that you might have all the talk to
yourself—you had better let me speak, or I'll make villainous signs—
Angelica
What would you get by that? I won't understand signs.
Valentine
If I am to be tongue-tied, my actions will quicken your
apprehensions and—egad—let me tell you my most prevailing argument is
expressed in dumb show.
Angelica
Foh! An ape is a more troublesome thing than a parrot.
Valentine
There are few men but do more silly things than they say. Faith, I
could be well pleased to drive a bargain in silence—it would save a
man a world of swearing and lying. When wit and reason both have failed
to move, Kind looks and actions from success do prove.
Angelica
Your father is coming, and I'm leaving.
(Angelica exits; Sir Sampson Plyant, Valentine's father enters with Foresight.)
Valentine
Your blessing, sir.
Sampson
You've had it already today, sir. I think I sent it to you in a
bill for four thousand pounds. If there was too much, refund the
superfluity, dost hear, Boy?
Valentine
Superfluity! Sir, it will scarcely pay my debts.
Sampson
Indeed. Then you should have less of them.
Valentine
I hope you will not hold me to the hard conditions I agreed to—
Sampson
Here's a rogue, Brother Foresight, makes a bargain in the morning
and would be released in the afternoon. Here's honesty; here's
conscience.
Valentine
The bargain was made under duress.
Sampson
I shall hold you to it to the letter. Do you deny it?
Valentine
I don't deny it, Father.
Sampson
Dog, you'll be hanged. I shall live to see you go to Tyburn. Has he
not a rogue's face? Speak, Brother, you understand physiognomy—a
hanging look to me.
Foresight (not unkindly)
Humm—truly, I don't care to discourage a young man—he has madness
in his face—but, I see no danger of hanging—
Valentine (aside)
Madness. There's a lucky thought. (aloud) Sir, this usage to your
Son will drive me mad.
Sampson
Why, who are you, sir?
Valentine
Your Son, sir.
Sampson
That's more than I know, sir, and I believe not.
Valentine
Indeed. Then, I hope I am not.
Sampson
What, would you make your mother a whore! (to Foresight) Did you
ever hear the like?
Valentine
I was merely offering an excuse for your barbarity.
Sampson
Excuse! Why, may I not do as I please? Did you come a volunteer
into this world or did I press you into service, eh?
Valentine
I know no more why I came than you do. But I came with all the
appetites and senses that you begot along with me.
Sampson
Oons, what had I to do to get children? He must have appetites!
Why, you'd rather eat pheasant than mutton and drink wine rather than
beer. And smell. I warrant he can smell and loves perfumes above a
stench. Why, there it is. And music. Don't you love music, scoundrel?
Valentine
I'm told I have a good ear—
Sampson
A good ear! If this rogue were dissected, I'll warrant he has
vessels of digestion large enough for a Cardinal. Oons, if I had that
four thousand pounds again I would not give you one shilling. 'Sheart,
you were always fond of wit. Now, let's see if you can live by your
wit. Your brother will be in town today, then look to your
covenant—you must renounce all title to your estate in his favor.
Valentine
I have agreed to it, Father. But I think it very harsh. Good day,
sir.
(Valentine bows and goes out.)
Sampson
No more to be said, Old Merlin, that's plain. Here it is.
(brandishing a paper) I have it in my hand, Old Ptolemy. He thought if
he danced until doomsday, I was to pay the piper. Well, here it is,
under seal.
Foresight
What is it, anyway?
Sampson
In return for saving that spendthrift from prison for debt, I have
made him agree to renounce his inheritance in favor of his brother Ben.
Body oh me, I'm so glad to be revenged on this unnatural rogue.
Foresight
Let me see—so it is. When was this signed? You should have
consulted me as to the time.
Sampson
No matter for the time. It's signed.
Foresight
But the time is all important.
Sampson
Brother Foresight, leave superstition. Pox on the time. There's no
time like the present.
Foresight
You are very ignorant.
Sampson
If the sun shine by day and the stars by night—why, we shall know
one another without the help of a candle—and that's all the stars are
good for.
Foresight
How, how? Give me leave to contradict you. You are an ignorant
agnostic and sceptic.
Sampson
Ignorant! Why, I have traveled the globe and seen the antipodes
where the sun rises at midnight and sets at noon.
Foresight
But I can tell you that I have traveled in the celestial spheres,
known the signs and the planets and their houses. Can judge of motions,
direct and retrograde. Know whether life shall be long or short, happy
or unhappy, if journeys shall be prosperous, undertakings successful,
or stolen goods recovered. Furthermore, I know—
Sampson
And I know the length of the Emperor of China's foot! And I have
made a cuckold of a king. Body oh me, the present Majesty of Bantam is
the issue of these loins!
Foresight
I know when braggarts lie or speak the truth, even when they don't
know it themselves.
Sampson
I have known an astrologer made a cuckold in the twinkling of a
star; and seen a conjuror that could not keep the devil out of his
wife's circle—ha, Old Wizard. Old Galileo.
Foresight
Do you mean my wife, Sir Sampson? By the body of the sun—
Sampson
By the horns of the moon, you would say, Brother Capricorn.
Foresight
Capricorn in your teeth, Liar. Take back your inheritance and put
your son Ben back to sea. I'll wed my daughter Prue to an Egyptian
mummy before she shall incorporate with the son of one who scoffs at
science.
Sampson
Body oh me, I have gone too far. I must not provoke Copernicus too
much. An Egyptian mummy is an illustrious creature, my trusty
hieroglyphic, and may have significations about him. What, thou art not
angry for a jest, my Good Kepler. I would Ben were an Egyptian mummy
for your sake. I reverence the sun, the moon, and the stars with all my
heart.
Foresight
Well, why didn't you say so?
Sampson
I love to jest. Now I think on it, I have the foot of an Egyptian
mummy that I purloined from one of the pyramids when I was last in
Egypt having an affair with the Pasha's wife. You shall have it.
Foresight
But, what do you know of my wife, Sir Sampson?
Sampson
Your wife is a constellation of virtues; she's the moon and you are
the man in the moon. I was but in jest. (aside) A more shameless whore
never lived.
(Sir Sampson and Foresight exit. Enter Mrs. Frail and Lady Froth at another door.)
Mrs. Frail
Indeed, madame! Is it possible your ladyship was so much in love?
Lady Froth
I could not sleep; I did not sleep for three weeks together.
Mrs. Frail
Prodigious! I wonder, want of sleep and so much love, and so much
wit, as your ladyship has did not turn your brain.
Lady Froth
Oh, my dear Frail, you must tease your friend. But really, I wonder
too. But I had a way. For between you and I, I had whimsies and vapors
but I gave them vent.
Mrs. Frail
How?
Lady Froth
Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?
Mrs. Frail
Write what?
Lady Froth
Songs, elegies, satires, panegyrics, lampoons, plays and heroic
poems.
Mrs. Frail
Oh Lord, not I.
Lady Froth
Oh, inconsistent, in love and not write! If my lord and I had been
both of your temper, we had not come together. Bless me, what a sad
thing that would have been.
Mrs. Frail
Then neither of you would ever have met with your match.
Lady Froth
Very true. I think he wants nothing but a blue ribbon and a star to
make him shine the very phosphorous of our hemisphere. Do you
understand those hard words? If no, I'll explain them to you.
Mrs. Frail.
Yes, yes, I'm not so ignorant. (aside) At least I won't own it to
be troubled with your instruction.
Lady Froth
But I'm amazed you don't write. How can your amant believe you love
him?
Mrs. Frail
Oh, I have a way of showing him that leaves no doubt. But, Lady
Froth, you must see my new dress. I had it brought from Paris.
Lady Froth
I shall be delighted. But, you really don't write?
(They go out. Enter Lady Foresight at another door, followed by Maskwell. Lady Foresight is an aging, but still beautiful woman. At the moment she is in a rage. Maskwell is trying to placate her.)
Lady Foresight
I'll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful. Come, I know you
are false.
Maskwell
I have been frail in your ladyship's service—
Lady Foresight
That I should trust a man who had betrayed his friend—
Maskwell
What friend have I betrayed or to whom?
Lady Foresight
Valentine—and to me. Can you deny it?
Maskwell
I do not.
Lady Foresight
And have you not wronged my husband? And in the highest manner—in
his bed?
Maskwell
With your ladyship's help and assistance. I can't deny that either.
Anything more, madame?
Lady Foresight
More! Have you not dishonored me?
Maskwell
No, that I deny; for I never told a soul. So that accusation is
answered. On to the next, for I see you have more.
Lady Foresight
Insolent devil! Do you mock my passion? Have a care! One word to my
husband and you are ruined.
Maskwell
Will you be in a temper, madame? I would not talk to be heard. I
have been a very great rogue for your sake, and you reproach me with
it; I am ready to be a rogue still to do you service. And you fling
conscience and honor in my face. How am I to behave?
Lady Foresight
Impudent villain. Do you dare to say this to me?
Maskwell (icily)
Look you, madame, we are alone. Contain yourself and hear me. You
know you loved Valentine when I first sighed for you—but you only
favored my passion through revenge and policy.
Lady Foresight
Liar! Have I not met your love with passion?
Maskwell
Only to aid your revenge on Valentine. To entice me, that I might
betray him to you.
Lady Foresight
Damnation! Do you provoke me again?
Maskwell
Nay, madame, I'm gone if you relapse. I say nothing but what you
yourself have confessed to me. Why should you deny it? How can you?
(Lady Foresight walks about in a fury, fanning herself.)
Maskwell
I am your slave—the slave of all your pleasures. I will prevent
his marriage to Angelica.
Lady Foresight
Oh, Maskwell, in vain do I disguise myself before you—you know
me—to the very inmost windings of my soul.
Maskwell
Compose yourself. You shall possess and ruin him, too. Will that
please you?
Lady Foresight
How, how? You dear, you precious villain, how? Let him once be mine
and immediate ruin seize him the next!
Maskwell
His father has forced him to relinquish his inheritance.
Lady Foresight
But that will not prevent Angelica from marrying him. She is a
romantic fool, but she has ample fortune in her own hands.
Maskwell
You have already been tampering with Lady Froth?
Lady Foresight
I have. She is ready for any impression I think fit.
Maskwell
She must be thoroughly persuaded that Valentine loves her.
Lady Foresight
She is so credulous and she likes him—likes any man—so well that
she will believe it faster than I can persuade her. She will write an
epic about it. But, what can we gain that way?
Maskwell
Time. Come, we must speak of this privately.
(Exit Maskwell and Lady Foresight.)
(Enter Foresight and Lady Foresight.)
Foresight
I confess I am troubled that you are so cold in his defense.
Lady Foresight
His defense! Bless me, would you have me defend an ill thing?
Foresight
You believe Lady Froth then?
Lady Foresight
I don't know. I find you are prepared to receive an ill impression
of any opinion of mine that is not agreeable to your own. But, as I am
like to be censured in the end, I do not believe it. Don't ask me my
reasons, they are not fit to be told.
Foresight
Reasons that convince you, ought to convince me.
Lady Foresight
If I told you I saw it in the stars or in a dream, you would
believe me.
Foresight
Did you?
Lady Foresight
I have better proof than that. (cagily) Don't press me.
Foresight
This Valentine, although he has forfeited his fortune, I have
always regarded as a decent man, suitable for Angelica, if she would
have him. But, I will not allow her to marry a libertine. Now, speak.
Lady Foresight
What ever it was, it's past. Rest satisfied.
Foresight
When you have told me, I will.
Lady Foresight
You won't.
Foresight
I will.
Lady Foresight
What if you can't?
Foresight
Then I must know. No more trifling.
Lady Foresight
Don't be in a passion. You shan't be angry.
Foresight
Well, well.
Lady Foresight
You will be calm. Indeed, it's nothing—but— (a pregnant pause)
Foresight
But what?
Lady Foresight
But, you must promise not to be angry. Valentine is very sorry. He
swore he was sorry—and would not do it again.
Foresight
Sorry for what?
Lady Foresight
No great matter, only—well, I have your promise. Only Valentine
had a mind to amuse himself with a little gallantry toward me.
Foresight (angry)
What?
Mrs. Foresight
I can't think he meant it seriously.
Foresight
By all the signs in the Zodiac!
Lady Foresight
Or maybe he thought he was not close enough kin to me—and had a
mind to create a nearer relation of his own—a lover, you know. Well,
but that's all. You see it was nothing. Now you have it. Nothing to
take notice about.
Foresight
May the powers of hell smite him.
Lady Foresight
A little harmless mirth—only misplaced, that's all. It's over now.
What if his hand did—
Foresight
Did—did what?
Lady Foresight
I'm sure he didn't mean to touch my breast. For my part, I have
forgot it; I hope he can. I'm sure he has, for I have not heard from
him for these two days.
Foresight
Two days! Is it so fresh? I'll have him beaten.
Lady Foresight
Oh, for heaven's sake. You'll ruin me if you take such public
notice of it.
Foresight
Before I've done, I will be satisfied. How long?
Lady Foresight
How long what?
Foresight
How long did he touch it?
Lady Foresight
Lord, I don't know. A minute, perhaps, before I freed myself.
Foresight
By all the stars in the firmament, I am provoked into a
fermentation.
Lady Foresight
Have patience, let me alone to rattle him up.
Foresight
Give me leave to be angry. I'll rattle him up. I'll firk him with a
certiorari.
Lady Foresight
You firk him—I'll firk him myself, be content.
Foresight
Content yourself! Passion is coming upon me by inflation. I cannot
submit as formerly, therefore, give way.
Lady Foresight
What! Will you be pleased to retire and—
Foresight
No, I will not be pleased to retire. I am pleased to be angry,
that's my pleasure at this time.
Lady Foresight
Why, who are you? What am I? Can't I govern you? What did I marry
you for? Am I not absolute and uncontrollable? Is it fit that a woman
of my spirit and conduct should be contradicted in a matter of this
concern?
Foresight
It concerns me and only me. Besides, I am not to be governed at all
times. When I am in tranquility, my lady shall command, but when I am
provoked to fury, I cannot incorporate with patience and reason. I tell
you Mars is in the ascendant; I am ready, I am ready! (brandishing his
cane about like a weapon)
Lady Foresight
Hot-headed still! Remember, I have a bed-time lecture for you, you
disobedient, headstrong brute.
Foresight
It's because I won't be a brute with horns that I am thus
exasperated. I will protect my honor.
Lady Foresight
Your honor! You have none but what is in my keeping, and I can
dispose of it when I please—therefore don't provoke me.
(Angelica and Valentine approach.)
Lady Foresight (to Valentine)
Inhuman and treacherous—
Foresight (finishing her sentence)
—serpent.
Angelica
Bless me!
Foresight
Niece, Niece, come away. Go not near him; there's nothing but
deceit in him.
Lady Foresight
Impudent creature!
Valentine
For heaven's sake, madame, to whom do you direct this language?
Lady Foresight
Have I behaved myself with all the decorum and nicety befitting the
wife of a great astrologer? Have I preserved my honor, white and
unsullied, for all these years—and lately even from my husband—to be
thus insulted?
Foresight
She's been an invincible wife, even to me—
Lady Foresight
Have I, I say, preserved myself like a fair sheet of paper for you
to make a blot upon?
Foresight
And she shall make a simile with any woman in England? Do you think
that my niece is fit for nothing but a stalking horse while you take
aim at my wife?
Lady Foresight
Take the child from his sight.
Angelica
He's innocent. I'm sure.
Foresight
Innocent! He cares nothing for you but for your fortune, and he's
in love with my wife. If I should ever have horns, they will kill me;
they would never come kindly. I should die of them like a child cutting
his teeth. Come, come.
(Foresight forcibly drags the protesting Angelica away.)
Valentine
I still don't understand.
Lady Foresight
You cannot dare deny it.
Valentine
I still don't know—
Lady Foresight
Fiddle, faddle, don't tell me of this and that. How could you think
to make the—the daughter the means of procuring the mother?
Valentine
The daughter to procure the mother!
Lady Foresight
Though I'm not Angelica's real mother, I've practically been one to
her—and that's near enough to make it incest.
Valentine
Incest.
Lady Foresight
Reflect on the horror of it. Consider what you would have to answer
for, should you provoke me to weakness. I, I who have trod the road of
virtue thus long and never made one trip, not one false step!
Valentine
Where am I? Is it day? Am I awake?
Lady Foresight
And nobody knows what may happen. I am sure I can resist the
strongest temptation, but then there's no certainty in this life.
Valentine
Madame, pray give me leave to ask you one question.
Lady Foresight
Ask me the question. I swear I'll refuse it! Oh, you have brought
all the blood into my face.
Valentine
Madame, hear me—
Lady Foresight
Hear you? No, no—I'll deny you first and hear you afterward.
Valentine
For heaven's sake, madame.
Lady Foresight
Bless me, how can you talk of heaven? Name it no more. Maybe you
don't think it a sin, maybe it is not sin to them that don't think so.
If I did not think it a sin, I—
Valentine (dropping to his knees)
Madame, on my knees—
Lady Foresight
No, no, rise up. I know love is powerful, and nobody can help his
passion. It's not your fault. I swear it is a pity it should be a
fault, but my honor, well, but your honor, too—but the sin—well,
but—oh, Lord, someone's coming. I dare not stay. Strive against it,
but don't be melancholy. But never think of marrying Angelica, for
though I know you don't love her, yet it will make me jealous. I must
fly.
(Lady Foresight exits. Maskwell enters by another door.)
Valentine (rising)
Maskwell, welcome. The witch has raised the storm and her ministers
have done their work; you see the vessels are parted.
Maskwell
I know it. I met Foresight towing away Angelica. Come, don't
trouble yourself. I'll join you together or drown in the attempt.
Valentine
There's comfort in a hand stretched out to a drowning man.
Maskwell
Not drowning. Come, cheer up. Lady Foresight has given me a
retaining fee. I am your greatest enemy and she does but journeyman's
work under my supervision.
Valentine
How's this?
Maskwell
What do you think of my being employed in the execution of her
plots? By heaven, it's true. I have undertaken to break the match and
make your father disinherit you. Oh, she has opened her heart to me. I
am to turn you grazing and marry Angelica myself.
Valentine
How I shall praise you. You have outwitted Woman.
Maskwell
She was very violent at first.
Valentine
A very fury; but I am afraid of her violence at last.
Maskwell
I know her temper. I pretended to be secretly in love with
Angelica; that did my business and convinced Lady Foresight that I
might be trusted.
Valentine
I am lucky in having you for a friend.
Maskwell
Though I say it myself, I am resourceful.
CURTAIN
A MIMED INTERLUDE
Foresight and Mrs. Foresight vociferate with Angelica denouncing
Valentine. Valentine succeeds
in presenting his case to Angelica and convinces her that Mrs.
Foresight was mistaken as to his intentions, and that he was only
adressing her in the hopes of softening her so he could marry Angelica.
Now, when Foresight and Mrs. Foresight renew the attack on
Valentine, Angelica forcefully
defends Valentine. Afraid that Angelica will marry Valentine
despite her family's opposition, and fearing her game is backfiring
Mrs. Foresight consults Maskwell.
Maskwell, suggests that Angelica be conciliated, so that she will
revert to her usual maddening
behaviour; Mrs. Foresight and Maskwell convince Foresight to set a
trap for Valentine. Foresight is difficult to convince but is finally
persuaded by an omen. Foresight apologizes to Valentine although he is
still suspicious that Valentine hankers after his wife.
Angelica, no longer obliged to defend Valentine,is a bit
suspicious and begins to revert to her
capricious ways. Stunned, Valentine is ready to pull out his hair.
SHORT CURTAIN
(Enter Mrs. Frail, in a fury. She is followed by Lady Foresight.)
Mrs. Frail
What have you to do to watch me? S'life, I'll do what I please.
Lady Foresight
You will?
Mrs. Frail
Yes, a great piece of business about taking a turn in a coach with
a friend.
Lady Foresight
Two or three turns, I'll take my oath.
Mrs. Frail
Well, what if I took twenty? Surely if you had done it, it had only
been innocent recreation. Lord, where's the comfort in this life, if we
can't have the happiness of conversing with whom we like?
Lady Foresight
But, can't you converse at home? I own it, I think there's no
happiness like conversing with an agreeable man; I don't quarrel at
that, and I'm sure your conversation was very innocent; but the place
is public, and to be seen in a coach with a man is scandalous. What if
anybody else had seen you as I did? It would not only reflect on you,
Sister, but on me.
Mrs. Frail
Pooh! Why should it reflect upon you? I don't doubt but you have
made yourself happy in a coach before now—
Lady Foresight
You forget yourself! I am your brother's wife!
Mrs. Frail
If I had gone to Chelsea or Knightsbridge with a man, something
might have been said—
Lady Foresight
Why, was I ever in one of those places? What do you mean, Sister?
Mrs. Frail
Mean? Nothing, not I.
Lady Foresight (furious)
You have been at a worse place.
Mrs. Frail
I, at a worse place? And with a man?
Lady Foresight
I suppose you are not shameless enough to go alone to Black
Peter's?
Mrs. Frail
Black Peter's? What's that?
Lady Foresight
Poor innocent! You don't know that there's a place called Black
Peter's! You'd make an admirable actress, you can keep your face
straight enough.
Mrs. Frail
I'll swear you've got a great deal of confidence and, to my mind,
too much for the stage.
Lady Foresight
Very well, that will appear. You were never at Black Peter's?
Mrs. Frail
No.
Lady Foresight
You deny it, positively, to my face?
Mrs. Frail
Your face? What's your face?
Lady Foresight
No matter for that—it's as good as yours.
Mrs. Frail
But slightly more shopworn. But I do deny it, positively, to your
face. There!
Lady Foresight
Do you so? But look here now. Where did you lose this garter? Oh,
Sister, Sister.
Mrs. Frail
My garter!
Lady Foresight
It's yours. Look at it.
Mrs. Frail
Well, if it goes to that—where did you find it? Oh, Sister,
Sister. Sister, every way.
Lady Foresight (helplessly)
Er—someone found it and gave it to me on your account.
Mrs. Frail
Pshaw! That won't pass. I have heard it said that in fencing one
should take care not to expose oneself when making a thrust.
Lady Foresight
Very true. We are both wounded—so let us do what duellists often
do— take care of one another and grow better friends than before.
Mrs. Frail
With all my heart. Ours are but slight wounds, and if we keep them
well covered, not in the least dangerous.
Lady Foresight
Shh! Someone's coming.
(Enter Lady Froth and Tattle at another door.)
Lady Froth
Then, you think that the episode between Susan, the dairy maid, and
the coachman is not amiss.
Tattle
Incomparable, let me perish—but then, being an heroic poem, had
you not better call him a charioteer?
Lady Froth
Oh, infinitely better; I'm extremely beholden to you for the hint.
(declaiming) “For as the Sun shines every day, So of our coach man I
may say—”
Tattle
Incomparable, egad—but I have one exception to make. Don't you
think there should be marginal notes to the whole poem?
Lady Froth
I like that thought. You'd oblige me extremely to write notes to
the whole poem—
Tattle
With all my heart and soul and, proud of the vast honor, let me
perish.
Lady Froth
Ah, there's my dear Mrs. Frail; servant Lady Foresight.
(Enter Lord Froth.)
Lord Froth
My dear, have you done? We were just laughing at my Lady Wishfort
and Mr. Sneer.
Lady Froth
Oh, filthy Mr. Sneer—he spent two days trying to match the color
of his coach with his complexion.
Lord Froth
Yet his Aunt is as fond of him as if she whelped him herself.
Lady Foresight
My Lady Toothless. She's a mortifying spectacle; she's always
chewing cud like an old ewe.
Mrs. Frail
Then, there's that other great strapping friend of hers—Lady—I
can't think of her name—the one that paints so exorbitantly.
Tattle
Paints d'ye say. Why, she lays it on with a trowel—let me perish.
Lord Froth
I made a song of her.
Lady Froth
Oh, let's hear it.
Lord Froth
Ancient Phyllis has young graces, 'Tis a strange thing, but a true
one. Shall I tell you how? She herself makes her own faces, And each
morning wears a new one. Where's the wonder now?
(Everyone laughs and applauds, most notably, Lady Froth, who admires extravagantly everything her husband does.)
Lady Froth
Very pretty. My Lord, I have been telling Mrs. Frail how much I
have been in love with you. Ha, ha, ha. Do you remember, my Lord?
(squeezing him and giving him a fond look, sighing and then laughing)
Lord Froth
Pleasant creature! Perfectly well. Who could resist?
Lady Froth
Oh, that tongue, that dear deceitful tongue. Was ever anything so
well bred as my Lord?
Tattle
Never anything but your ladyship, let me perish.
Lady Froth
Doesn't Mr. Tattle have a deal of wit?
Lord Froth
Oh, yes, madame.
Tattle (protesting)
Oh, heavens, madame.
Lady Froth
More wit than anybody.
Tattle
I'm everlastingly your humble servant.
Lord Froth
Don't you think us a happy couple?
Mrs. Frail
I think you the happiest couple in the world, for you're not only
happy in one another when you are together, but happy in yourselves and
by yourselves.
Lady Froth (to Lady Foresight)
I am sure Cousin Foresight makes you a good husband—
Lady Foresight
Foh—
Tattle
My Lord was telling me that Your Ladyship was composing an epic
poem.
Lady Froth
Did my Lord tell you? It's true and the subject is my Lord's love
to me. What do you think I call it. You won't guess. Spumoso.
Mrs. Frail
Spumoso?
Lady Froth
Italian for Froth.
Lady Foresight
Very apropos, ha, ha, ha.
Lady Froth (to Tattle)
You must be my confidant. Ha, ha, ha.
(Enter Miss Prue, a pretty, well-developed girl of fifteen, but dressed as a child with pigtails and bows, etc.)
Prue (excited)
Mother, Mother, Mother, look you here!
Lady Foresight
Fie, fie, Miss Prue, how you bawl. Besides, I have told you, you
must not call me Mother.
Prue (puzzled)
What must I call you then, Mama?
Lady Foresight
Laetitia. You must say Laetitia. As I am a person, I shall be
fancied old indeed to have this great girl call me Mother. Well, but
what are you so overjoyed at?
Prue
Look you here, Laetitia, then—what Lord Froth has given me. Here's
a snuff box—how sweet it is. Lord Froth is all over sweet. His wig is
sweet; his gloves are sweet; and his breath is pure sweet. He gave me
this ring for a kiss—
Lord Froth (not in the least embarrassed)
Oh, fie, Miss, you must not kiss and tell.
Prue
Yes, I may tell my Mother—I mean Laetitia. And he says he'll give
me something to make my smock smell sweet.
Lady Foresight
Oh, fie, Miss, amongst your linen. You must never say smock.
Prue
Why, it's not bawdy, is it?
Lord Froth
You are too severe upon Miss. Her simplicity becomes her strangely.
Don't let them persuade you out of your innocence.
Lady Foresight
I wish you don't persuade her out of her innocence. You damn toad.
Lord Froth
Who, I, madame? How can you have such a thought? You don't know me.
I adore my wife and am as chaste as she.
Lady Foresight (aside)
Then she's lost.
Lady Froth
I trust my Lord as I do myself. A little innocent raillery.
Lord Froth
I swear I would not for the world—
Lady Foresight
Oh, hang you; who'd believe you? I know you, sir—
Lord Froth
How you love to jest, Cousin.
Lady Froth
Why did you have to see her before she was married. Now she'll
never marry that uncouth sailor my husband proposes for her.
Lord Froth
Upon reputation—
Lady Foresight
If my husband found me with you, he'd swear I deliberately brought
you acquainted.
Lord Froth
I assure you, madame—
Lady Foresight
But, then leaving you together, is just as bad. You're too sly a
devil to miss such an opportunity. Well, I don't care. I won't have
seen it. I wash my hands of it, I'm thoroughly innocent. You will have
a lot to answer for if you do. Ladies, come to cards. (to Lady Froth)
Aren't you afraid to leave your husband with such an innocent girl?
Lady Froth
Not I. I trust him as I do myself.
Tattle
I shall follow Your Ladyship.
(Lady Foresight, Mrs. Frail, Lady Froth and Tattle exit.)
Prue
What makes Mother go away, my Lord? What does she mean, do you
know?
Lord Froth
Yes, my dear, I think I can guess. But I'm damned if I've ever seen
the like.
Prue
Come, must we not go, too?
Lord Froth (hesitating, then deciding)
No, no. She doesn't mean that.
Prue
No! What then? What shall you and I do together?
Lord Froth
I must make love to you, pretty miss: will you let me?
Prue
Yes, if you please.
Lord Froth (aside)
Frank at least. What kind of mother is this? Is it to make a fool
of me, or does she do as she would be done by? I'll understand it that
way.
Prue
Come, I long to have you begin. Must I make love, too? You must
tell me how.
Lord Froth
You must let me speak, Miss. You must not speak first; I must ask
you questions and you must answer.
Prue
What, is it like the catechism? Come then, ask me.
Lord Froth
Do you think you can love me?
Prue
Yes.
Lord Froth
Pooh, you must not say “yes” already. I shan't care a damn for you
if you answer so readily.
Prue (puzzled)
What must I say, then?
Lord Froth
You must say “no” or “I believe not” or “I can't tell.”
Prue
What, must I tell you a lie, then?
Lord Froth
Yes, if you would be well bred. Besides, you are a woman and must
never speak what you think. Your words must contradict your thoughts,
but your actions may contradict your words. So, when I ask you if you
love me, you must say no, but you must love me—or at least make me
think you do. If I tell you that you are handsome, you must deny it and
scorn flattery, yet think yourself more becoming than any other woman.
If I ask you to kiss me, you must be angry, but you must not refuse me.
If I ask you for more, you must be more angry, but more complying, and
as soon as I make you say you'll scream if I don't stop—you must be
sure to hold your tongue—
Prue
Oh, I like this rarely. And must you not lie, too?
Lord Froth
Hum—yes. But you must believe I speak the truth.
Prue
Oh, Gemini! Well, I always had a great mind to tell lies, but they
frightened me and said it was a sin.
Lord Froth
Well, my pretty creature, will you make me happy by giving me a
kiss?
Prue
No, indeed; I'm angry with you for asking.
(Prue throws her arms around Lord Froth's neck and kisses him.)
Lord Froth
Hold, hold, that's pretty well. But, you shouldn't have given it to
me, but rather, permitted me to steal it.
Prue
Well, let's try again.
Lord Froth
With all my heart. Now then, my little angel. (kissing her)
Prue
Pish.
Lord Froth
That's right, again, my charmer.
Prue
Now, I can't abide you.
Lord Froth
Admirable! You might have been born and bred in London. And won't
you show me your bed chamber?
Prue
No, indeed. But, I'll run there and hide under the bedcover.
Lord Froth
I'll follow you.
Prue
Ah, but I'll hold the door with both hands and be angry; and you
shall push me down before you come in.
Lord Froth
No, I'll come in first, and push you down afterwards.
Prue
Will you? Then, I'll be more angry and more willing.
Lord Froth
Then, I'll make you scream.
Prue
Oh, but you shan't, for I'll hold my tongue.
Lord Froth
Oh, my apt scholar.
Prue
Now, I'll run away.
Lord Froth
Now, I'll follow.
(Exit Prue, followed with Lord Froth. Enter Tattle.)
Tattle (musing)
Ah, my dear Lady Froth. She's a most engaging creature, nearly as
affected as I am—if only she were not so fond of that damned coxcombly
Lord of hers. Now, what shall I say to her? Pox on it—none but dull
rogues think—witty men like rich fellows are ready for all expenses.
Here she comes. (walks about, singing) I'm sick with love, Prithee come
cure me—
(Enter Lady Froth.)
Lady Froth
Have you seen my Lord?
Tattle
Oh, my dear Lady Froth! 'Gad, I thank you.
Lady Froth
Oh, heavens, Mr. Tattle! What's the matter?
Tattle
The matter, madame? Why, nothing—nothing at all!
Lady Froth
Why did you call out upon me so loud?
Tattle
When?
Lady Froth
Just now. Why, don't you know it?
Tattle
Did I! Strange. See how love and murder will out.
Lady Froth
Do you talk of love? Oh, Parnassus, who would have thought Mr.
Tattle could be in love? I thought you could have no mistress but the
nine muses.
Tattle
No more have I. I adore them all in Your Ladyship. Deuce take me if
I can tell whether I am happy or sad that Your Ladyship has made this
discovery.
Lady froth
Oh, be merry, by all means. Ha, ha, ha.
Tattle
Oh, barbarous, to turn me to ridicule! Yet, ha, ha, ha. Deuce take
me, I can't help laughing myself. Ha, ha, ha; yet, by heavens, I have a
violent passion for Your Ladyship.
Lady Froth
Seriously, ha, ha, ha?
Tattle
Seriously, ha, ha, ha.
Lady Froth
What—ha, ha, ha d'ye think I laugh at? Ha, ha, ha.
Tattle
Me, ha, ha, ha.
Lady Froth
No, the deuce take me if I don't laugh at myself, for hang me if I
have not a violent passion for Mr. Tattle, ha, ha, ha.
Tattle
Seriously?
Lady Froth
Seriously, ha, ha, ha.
Tattle
Let me perish, ha, ha, ha. Ah, my dear charming Lady Froth.
Lady Froth
Oh, my adored Mr. Tattle.
(They embrace. While Lady Froth and Tattle embrace, enter Lord Froth and Miss Prue, hurriedly. The couples do not see each other. Lord Froth is hurriedly dressing, Prue is struggling with her clothes. Lady Froth and Tattle continue to embrace.)
Lord Froth
Pox take your old Nurse. Never was man so unkindly interrupted.
(Lord Froth puts on his wig.)
Miss Prue
She'll tell my father. What shall I do? What lie can I tell?
Lord Froth
There's no occasion for a lie. I never could tell a lie to no
purpose. Why, we have done nothing, have we, child? Therefore, say
nothing, but deny everything. It's best I leave you. Come off as best
you can.
(Lord Froth pushes Prue back the way she came, straightens his wig, and advances in the direction of Tattle and Lady Froth.)
Tattle
Zoons, madame, there's my Lord.
Lady Froth
Take no notice. Now, cast off and meet me at the lower end of the
room. Oh, here's my Lord, now you shall see me do it with him. (to Lord
Froth) Shall you and I do our close dance to show Mr. Tattle? (not
noticing her husband closely)
Lord Froth (eager to escape)
No, my dear, do it with him.
Lady Froth
I'll do it with him when you are out of the way.
Tattle
That's good. I can hardly hold laughing.
Lord Froth
Any other time, my dear.
(Exit Lord Froth, not paying attention to his wife.)
Lady Froth
Shall we do it?
Tattle
With all my heart.
CURTAIN
Servant
Sir, my Lady is dressing.
Ben
Dressing! Then, my Aunt hasn't dined yet?
Servant
Your Aunt, sir?
Ben
My Aunt, yes, my Aunt, and Your Lady! How long have you lived with
the lady, eh?
Servant
A week, sir. Longer than anybody else.
Ben
No doubt you know her if you see her.
Servant
I cannot safely swear to her face in the morning.
Ben
Well, try what you can. Search and tell her that Ben Plyant is in
the house.
Servant
Yes, sir. Will you step this way, sir?
Ben
This creature knows less than a starling; I doubt it knows it's own
name.
(Exit Ben, following the Servant. Enter at another door: Angelica and Mrs. Foresight.)
Angelica (in a pet)
Sure, never anything was so unbred as that odious man!
Lady Foresight
You have a colour, what's the matter?
Angelica
That horrid fellow Petulant has provoked me into a flame. I have
broken my fan. Is not all the powder out of my hair?
Lady Foresight
No. What has he done?
Angelica
He has done nothing; he has only contradicted everything that I
said. Well, it is a lamentable thing, I swear, that one has not the
liberty of choosing one's acquaintances as one does one's clothes.
Lady Foresight
Fools never wear out. If one could only give them to one's maid
after a day or two.
Angelica
Better so, indeed.
Lady Foresight
If you would but admit Valentine as your gallant, you might easily
discard Witwould and Petulant as your old smock. And, indeed, it is
time, for the town has found it.
Angelica
The town has found it! What has the town found? That Valentine
loves me is no secret.
Lady Foresight
You are nettled.
Angelica
You're mistaken. Ridiculous!
Lady Foresight
Indeed, my dear, you'll tear another fan if you don't mitigate
those violent airs.
Angelica
Oh, silly! Ha, ha, ha. I could laugh immoderately. Poor Valentine.
I swear I never commanded him to be so coy. If I had the vanity to
think he would obey me, I would command him to show you more gallantry.
But I despair to prevail, and so, let him have his own way. Ha, ha, ha.
Pardon me, dear creature, I must laugh. Ha, ha, ha, though I grant you,
it is a little barbarous, ha, ha, ha.
Lady Foresight
What a pity it is so much fine raillery and delivered with so
significant gesture should be unhappily directed to miscarry.
Angelica
Ha? Dear creature, I ask your pardon. I swear I did not mind you.
Lady Foresight
Shall I tell him by telling you—?
Angelica
Oh dear, what? For it is the same thing if I hear it. Ha, ha, ha.
Lady Foresight
That I detest him, hate him, madame—
Angelica
Oh, madame, so do I. And yet the creature loves me, ha, ha, ha. How
can one not laugh to think of it? I'll take my death I can't think what
he sees in me. I'll swear you are handsomer, and within a year or two
as young—and so much more experienced. If you could but stay for me, I
should overtake you. Well, that thought makes me melancholic, now I'll
be sad—
Lady Foresight
You are merry, Angelica. (aside) Your merry note may be changed
sooner than you think. (aloud) From your example I learn that if we
will be happy, we must find the means in ourselves, not in men. Men are
always in extremes—while they dote, their jealousies are
insupportable; and when they cease to love, they loathe.
Angelica
It's an unhappy circumstance that the man should so often outlive
the lover. But, 'tis better to be deserted than never to have loved.
For my part, my youth may waste, but it shall never rust.
Lady Foresight
Then it seems you dissemble an aversion to men?
Angelica
Certainly. To have greater freedom.
Lady Foresight
Are you a libertine?
Angelica
Be sincere. Acknowledge that your sentiments agree with mine.
Lady Foresight
Never.
Angelica
You hate men?
Lady Foresight
Heartily, inveterately.
Angelica
Your husband?
Lady Foresight
Most transcendentally, and though I say it, meritoriously.
Angelica
Give me your hand upon it.
Lady Foresight
There.
Angelica
I join with you. What I said was but to test you.
Lady Foresight
Is it possible? Do you hate those vipers, men?
Angelica
I have done hating them and am now come to despise them; the next
thing I have to do is eternally to forget them.
Lady Foresight
There spoke the spirit of an amazon.
Angelica
And yet, I am thinking to carry my aversion further.
Lady Foresight
How?
Angelica
By marrying. If I could find one thoroughly sensible of ill usage,
I think I should revenge myself that way.
Lady Foresight
Would you make him a cuckold?
Angelica
At the very least, I would make him think I would.
Lady Foresight
Why not do it?
Angelica
Well, I might. But if he should ever discover it, he would know the
worst and be out of his pain.
Lady Foresight
Ingenious mischief. Would you were married to Valentine.
Angelica
Would I were.
Lady Foresight
You change color.
Angelica
Because I hate him.
Lady Foresight
Why so do I, but I can hear him named.
Angelica
I think you look a little pale.
Lady Foresight
Do I? I think I am a little sick on the sudden.
Angelica
What ails you?
Lady Foresight
My husband. Don't you see him? He's in the next room with
Valentine.
Angelica
Ha, ha, ha. He comes opportunely for you.
Lady Foresight
For you he has bought Valentine.
Foresight (coming forward)
My dear.
Lady Foresight
My soul.
Foresight
You don't look well today, child.
Lady Foresight
Do you think so?
Angelica
He is the only man that does, madame.
Lady Foresight
The only man that would tell me so, at least. And the only man from
whom I can hear it without mortification. (to Angelica) I shall leave
you to your lover, for I know you are dying to see him. Don't deny it.
But, your tune will soon change.
Angelica
Do you say so? Then, I'm resolved to enjoy it while it lasts.
(declaiming) I alone that conquest prize When I insult a rival's eyes—
If there's delight in love, 'Tis when I see, That heart which others
bleed for, Bleed for me.
Lady Foresight
Come, Foresight, we must go.
Foresight
Mr. Valentine has waited this half hour for an opportunity to talk
with you. Shall I tell him you are at leisure?
Angelica
No. What would the dear man have? Bid him come another day. Or send
him hither. Just as you will. I think I'll see him, shall I? Yes, let
the wretch come. (to Lady Foresight) Entertain Valentine, Aunt. You
have the philosophy to undergo a fool—you are married and have learned
patience.
Lady Foresight
I am obliged to you for making me your proxy in this affair, but I
have business of my own.
(Exit Lady Foresight and Foresight.)
Valentine (coming forward)
Do you lock yourself up from me to make my search more difficult?
Or does it signify that the chase must end, for you can fly no more?
Angelica
Vanity! No. I'll fly and be followed till the last moment. To the
very last, and afterwards.
Valentine
What after the last?
Angelica
I should think I was poor indeed if I were freed from the agreeable
fatigues of solicitation. I hate a lover that dares to think he can
draw a moment's breath but for my unparalleled bounty. There is not so
impudent a thing in nature as the saucy look of an assured man
confident of success. Ah, I'll never marry unless I am first made sure
of my will and pleasure.
Valentine
Would you have them both now before marriage, or will you be
content with the first now and stay for the other until after grace?
Angelica
Don't be impudent. Dear liberty, shall I give thee up? I can't do
it. It is more than impossible. Positively Valentine, I'll lie abed in
a morning as long as I please.
Valentine
Then I'll get up as early as I please.
Angelica
Get up when you will, idle creature. D'ye hear, I won't be called
names after I'm married. Positively, I won't be called names.
Valentine
Names!
Angelica
Yes, such as wife, spouse, dear, joy, jewel, love, sweetheart and
the rest of that nauseous cant! I shall never bear that. Good
Valentine, don't let us be fond. Let us never visit together—nor go to
a play together—let us be very distant and well bred. Let us be as
well bred as if we had been married a great while, and as coy as if we
were not married at all.
Valentine
Have you any conditions to offer. Thus far your demands are pretty
reasonable.
Angelica
Trifles. Liberty to pay and receive visits to and from whom I
please without interrogations or wry faces on your part; to wear what I
please, to converse with no man friend of yours that I don't like, come
to dinner when I like or not, if I don't like, and not to be obligated
to give a reason. And lastly where ever I am, you shall always knock at
the door before you come in. And no peeping. I will not be peeped at.
These articles subscribed to, if I continue to endure you a little
longer, I may, by degrees, dwindle into a wife.
Valentine
All I ask is that when you dwindle into a wife, I am not enlarged
into a husband.
Angelica
Propose your utmost; speak and spare not.
Valentine
I thank you. First, you must admit no sworn confidant or intimate
of your own sex; no she-friend to screen her affairs under your
countenance, and tempt you to do the like. No decoy duck to wheedle you
a fop or to go to the play in a mask.
Angelica
Detestable condition! I go to the play in a mask?
Valentine
Item I, Article: that you continue to like your own face as long as
I shall, and that while it passes current with me, that you not
endeavor to new coin it. To which end I prohibit all masks for the
night made of oilskins, puppy water and I know not what. Item: when you
shall be breeding—
Angelica
Oh, name it not.
Valentine
Which may be presumed as a blessing on our endeavours—
Angelica
Odious endeavour!
Valentine
There will be no straight lacing and squeezing till you mold my
boy's head like a sausage loaf. These provisos admitted in other things
I may prove a tractable and good-natured husband.
Angelica
Oh, horrid proviso. I hate your proviso.
Valentine
Shall I kiss your hand upon the contract?
Angelica
What must I do? Shall I have him? I think I must have him. Well
then, I'll take my death, I'm in a horrid fright. I shall never say it.
Well, I think I'll endure you.
Valentine
Speak in plain terms. Tell me, for I am sure you have a mind to me.
Angelica
Are you? I think I have—and you, horrid man, you look as if you
thought so, too. Well, you ridiculous thing you, I'll have you— I
won't be kissed, and I won't be thanked. Here, kiss my hand, though.
(Valentine kisses her hand) So, hold your tongue now, don't say a word.
Valentine
I am all obedience. But I shall release you from your promise if I
am not able to regain my inheritance.
Angelica
Never mind that. My fortune is large enough for two.
Valentine
I must have it, or I will never marry you.
Angelica
If you talk like this we shall quarrel.
Valentine
A man has his honor.
Angelica
Damn your honor. I will marry you immediately or not at all.
Valentine
We must wait. I have a plan.
Angelica
Never mind your plans. I will have you now.
Valentine
Be patient.
Angelica
No. If I must be patient, I take it back.
Valentine
But, Angelica—
Angelica
No.
Valentine (furious)
Be it so.
(Valentine stalks off.)
Angelica
Foolish man. I will never marry him.
(Enter Sir Sampson, Prue, and Mrs. Frail.)
Sir Sampson
What, is Valentine sneaked off and would not wait to see his
brother? There's an unnatural whelp—there's an unnatural dog. What,
you here, too, madame, and could not keep him? Madame, he is not worth
your consideration.
Angelica (controlling herself and engaging in duplicity)
I'm pretty even with him, Sir Sampson, for if ever I could have
liked anything about him, it would have been his money, but since
that's gone, the bait's off and the naked hook appears.
Sir Sampson
Well said; you are a wiser woman than I thought you; most young
women nowadays are to be tempted with a naked hook.
Angelica (coyly)
I'm for money with any man or for any man with money. I declare I
had rather have you than your son.
Sir Sampson
Is that so? I'm glad to hear you say so. I was afraid you were in
love with the reprobate and would marry him without a penny.
Angelica
Never! (suppressing tears)
Sir Sampson (to himself)
Wouldn't that be revenge, hey? Marry her myself. I'll think on it.
(Enter Ben.)
Ben
Where's Father?
Sampson
Son, Ben! Bless the dear boy. You are heartily welcome.
Ben
Thank you, Father. I'm glad to see you again.
Sir Sampson
Kiss me, dear boy.
Ben (freeing himself)
Enough, Father, I'd rather kiss these gentlewomen.
Sir Sampson
And so you shall. Angelica, my son, Ben.
Ben (kissing Angelica)
If you please. Nay, ma'am, I'm not dropping anchor here. (kissing
Frail) About ship, and you too, little cock boat.
Prue
Foh.
Angelica
Welcome ashore.
Ben
Thank you. Well, Father, how do all at home? How does Brother Dick
and Brother Val?
Sir Sampson
Dick? Dick has been dead these two years. I wrote you when you were
at Gibraltar.
Ben
That's true, I had forgotten. No wonder he didn't write. I have
many questions to ask you.
Sir Sampson
I intend you shall marry, Ben.
Ben
I have no mind to marry. It's a dangerous voyage, d'ye see.
Mrs. Frail
That would be a pity, such a handsome young gentleman. (aside) And
like to be so rich. Why should that little chit (indicating Prue) have
him?
Ben
Handsome! (laughing) If you be for joking, I'll joke with you.
Sir Sampson
Ben's a wag.
Ben
A man that is married is chained to an oar all his life, and mayhap
forced to tug a leaky vessel into the bargain.
Sir Sampson (a little embarrassed)
Ben's a wag—only he wants a little polishing.
Mrs. Frail
Say you so? Not at all, I like his humor. I should like such humor
in a husband extremely—
Ben
And I should like such a handsome wench for a bedfellow; how say
you, mistress, would you like to be going to sea? You're a tight vessel
and well rigged—were you but as well manned.
Angelica
I swear Mr. Benjamin is an absolute sea-wit.
Sir Sampson (growing more uncomfortable)
Ben has parts, but as I said before, they want a little polishing:
you must not take anything ill, madame.
Mrs. Frail
I'm not offended. But you should leave him alone with his mistress.
(whispering to Ben) I should not doubt that I would be well manned if
you were master of me.
Sir Sampson
You're right. Look you, Ben, this lady (presenting Prue) is to be
your wife. Come, Miss, you must not be shamefaced. We'll leave you
together.
Prue
I can't abide to be left alone. May my cousin stay with me?
Sir Sampson
No, no. Let's leave them.
Ben
Father, perhaps the young woman mayn't take a liking to me.
Sir Sampson
Don't worry. Come, we'll be gone.
(Enter Foresight as Sir Sampson, Mrs. Frail and Angelica are leaving.)
Foresight
What, is he come? Are they together?
Sir Sampson
Yes, yes. What if he should not stop to say grace, old Foresight;
but fall to without the help of a parson, ha? Odd, I could not be angry
with him. It would but be like me. Ha, thou art melancholic old
prognosticator. Come, come, cheer up, Old Stargazer.
Foresight (serious)
We'll have the wedding tomorrow morning.
Sir Sampson
With all my heart.
Foresight
At ten o'clock, punctually at ten.
Sir Sampson
To a minute, to a second. They shall be married to a minute, go to
bed a minute, and—
Mrs. Frail
Manners!
(They go out, Sir Sampson apologizing.)
Ben
Come, Miss, will you please to sit down? I'll hand you a chair.
(Prue shakes her head.)
Ben
If you stand astern like that, we shall never grapple together.
(Prue reluctantly sits.)
Ben
There. I'll sit near you.
Prue (moving her chair back as he moves forward)
I can hear you farther off; I ain't deaf.
Ben
I'll heave off to please you. (moves farther off) Look you, Miss, I
am bound for the land of matrimony, a voyage that was none of my
seeking, and mayhap, I may steer into your harbor.
Prue
Don't talk bawdy to me!
Ben
The short of the thing is, that if you like me, and I like you, we
may chance to swing in a hammock together.
Prue
I don't know what to say to you, and I don't care to speak to you
at all.
Ben
No? I'm sorry for that. But, why are you so scornful?
Prue
As long as one must not speak one's mind, one had best not speak at
all, I think, and truly, I won't tell a lie, for that matter.
Ben
True. That's to look one way and now another. I'm not for keeping
anything under hatches, so, if you be not willing, there's no harm
done. Perhaps you're shamefaced; some maidens, though they love a man
well enough, yet they won't tell him so to his face. If that's the
case, silence gives consent.
Prue
I'll speak sooner than you should believe that, and though one
should always lie to a man, I'll speak the truth; I don't care—let my
father do what he will; I'm too big to be whipped. So, I'll tell you
plainly, I don't like you, nor love you at all, nor ever will. So
there's your answer for you—and don't trouble me no more, you ugly
thing!
Ben (angrily)
Look you, you woman—I spoke you fair, d'ye see, and civil—as for
your love and your liking, I don't value it more than a rope's end—in
fact I like you as little as you do me. I tell you one thing, if you
should give such words at sea, you'd have a cat o nine tails laid
across your shoulders. Fleah! Who are you? You heard the other handsome
woman speak civilly to me—whatever you think of yourself, God, I don't
compare you to her more than a bottle of beer to a bottle of Port wine.
Prue
Well, and there's a handsome gentleman, and a fine gentleman, and a
sweet gentleman that loves me, and I love him—and if he sees you speak
to me any more, he'll thrash your jacket for you, he will, you great
sea-calf.
Ben
He'll eat salt for his supper for all that. What does Father mean
to leave me alone as soon as I come home with such a dowdy? Sea-calf! I
ain't calf enough to lick your painted face—you cheese curd you! Marry
you! Oons, I'll sooner marry a Lapland witch!
Prue
I won't be called names, nor I won't be abused—no, I won't. If I
were a man (bursting into tears) you durst not talk this way to me—no
you durst not, you stinking tar barrel.
Ben
Tar barrel? Oons, let your pet fop say that to me!
Lady Foresight (entering)
Bless me, what's the matter? What does she cry for? Mr. Benjamin,
what have you done to her?
Ben
Let her cry. The more she cries, the less she'll—she's been
gathering foul weather in her mouth, and now it rains out at her eyes.
Lady Foresight
Come, Miss, come along with me, and tell me what the brute did,
poor child.
Prue
Oh, Mother—I mean Laetitia—it was so awful—
(Enter Ben and Mrs. Frail, whispering.)
Ben
Father has nothing to do with me; why not tell him?
Mrs. Frail
My dear, we must keep it secret until your father settles the
estate on you. He's a very passionate old man and very vengeful when
thwarted. But you'll break my heart if you forsake me after all.
Ben
Break your heart! Why, I'd rather scuttle my ship. You don't think
a sailor is false like a landsman?
Mrs. Frail
Will you always love me?
Ben
Once I love, I stick like pitch.
(They go out, still whispering. Enter Valentine and Scandal in close conversation.)
Valentine
Do allow Tattle to be a wit that you may see a fool.
Scandal
That's hard. What would you bring me to?
Valentine
I have noise and merriment to keep Lady Foresight's head from
working. Hell is not more busy than her brain, nor contains more
devils.
Scandal
I thought your fear of her had been over. She has failed in her
project to make Foresight prevent Angelica from marrying you.
Valentine
True. Thanks to Angelica's willfulness. But she will try again
unless diverted. None but you and Maskwell are acquainted with her
passion for me. Ever since I first refused her, she has never given
over trying to ruin me with Foresight, yet she had managed things so
subtly that they have born the face of kindness.
Scandal
Exquisite woman! Does she think you have no more sense than to ruin
yourself with Angelica by sleeping with her aunt?
Valentine
Lord knows what her idea is. Jack Maskwell has promised me to watch
her closely.
Scandal
So you have manned your guard posts—but I hope you have not set
your weakest guard where the enemy is strongest.
Valentine
You suspect Maskwell?
Scandal
I cannot help it. I am a little superstitious about faces like
that.
Valentine
He owes me a great deal. It is through me that he gained the
position of Foresight's secretary. Foresight is very close to him.
Scandal
With Lady Foresight you mean?
Valentine
Lady Foresight!
Scandal
There is some secret between them you do not
suspect—notwithstanding her passion for you.
Valentine
Pooh! Nothing in the world but his design to help me. He endeavors
to be high in her esteem that he may assist me.
Scandal
I shall be glad to be mistaken. But Lady Foresight is handsome,
cunning and naturally wanton. Maskwell is flesh and blood. Faith, I've
a taste for her myself.
Valentine
I mean you shall indulge it. Make love to her.
Scandal
With all my heart. Only a man of my refined tastes can truly
appreciate a woman like Lady Foresight. I'll to her immediately.
Valentine
You will oblige me immensely. Keep her busy.
Scandal
I'll go now.
(Exit Scandal.)
Valentine
Godspeed.
(Enter Maskwell.)
Maskwell
What will the wickedness of this world come to?
Valentine
How now, Jack? What so full of contemplation that you run over?
Maskwell
I'm glad you're come. I've just left Lady Foresight.
Valentine
And having trusted you with her secrets you are villainously bent
on discovering them all to me, ha?
Maskwell
I'm afraid my weakness leans that way. But I don't know whether, in
honor, I can discover them all.
Valentine
No tragic design upon my person, I hope?
Maskwell
No, a comical design upon mine!
Valentine
I'm struck mute. Explain.
Maskwell
We have been bargaining about the rate of your ruin—and whereas
pleasure is generally paid with mischief, what mischief I do is to be
paid with pleasure. In short, the price of your ruin is to be paid with
the person of—
Valentine
Of Angelica. You forgot you told me before.
Maskwell
No, no—as an earnest of that bargain, I am to have full and fair
possession of the person of Lady Foresight.
Valentine
Foh! You jest.
Maskwell
By this light, I am serious. Tomorrow evening at eight she will
receive me in her chamber.
Valentine
Why, the woman is possessed!
Maskwell
Well, will you go in my stead?
Valentine
Into a hot furnace sooner!
Maskwell
I suspect she'll prove hot enough. But it would be more to our
purpose for you to go, than for me.
Valentine
What d'ye mean?
Maskwell
Mean! Not to disappoint the lady, surely.
Valentine
But—
Maskwell
She will be in your power if you go. But someone comes and I dare
not stay. We will talk of this later.
(Exit Maskwell and enter Scandal.)
Scandal
Valentine, get out of the way. My Lady Foresight is coming, and I
shall never succeed; but I made love a great while to no purpose.
Valentine
Why, what's the matter? She's convinced I don't love her.
Scandal
I can't get an answer from her that does not begin with her honor,
or her virtue, or her religion or some such cant. Then, she has told me
the whole history of Foresight's years of courtship.
Valentine
Did she not tell you at what a distance she keeps him? He has
confessed to me, that but at certain times—that is, I suppose, when
she thinks one of her lovers has made her pregnant—Foresight never has
the privilege of a husband. I wonder he has not told you his
grievances.
Scandal
Excessively foolish. But that which gives me most hopes of her is
her telling me of the many temptations she has resisted.
Valentine
Now then you have her. Bragging to a man of temptations overcome is
a woman's way of challenging a man to engage her more to the purpose.
Here comes Foresight. I'm going.
(Exit Valentine. Enter Foresight.)
Foresight
Ah, Mr. Scandal, there you are. My wife was looking for you.
Scandal
You are blessed with such a fine lady, sir.
Foresight
Quite so. Quite so. I tell you, Mr. Scandal, if it were not for one
thing I would think myself the happiest man in the world.
Scandal
What can that be, sir?
Foresight
It is a grief to me that I have no son.
Scandal
That might easily be remedied. Lady Foresight is a fine buxom
woman—
Foresight
Indeed she is, Mr. Scandal.
Scandal
And I should not take you to be so old—
Foresight
No, no. That's not it. No, no. That's not it.
Scandal
No? Then, what can the matter be?
Foresight
You'll scarcely believe me when I tell you. My lady is so nice—so
nice—that I don't believe she would touch a man for the world—at
least above once or twice a year.
Scandal
That is a lamentable story. My lady must be told of it. This is an
injury to mankind and all posterity—
Foresight
Would to heaven you would, Mr. Scandal. You are mightily in her
favor.
Scandal
We must have a son some way or other. I'll look to it.
Foresight
I shall be mightily indebted to you if you can inflict it.
Scandal
I shall get you a whole bevy of brats. Leave that to me.
(Enter Lady Foresight.)
Foresight
Wife, wife—my Lady Foresight.
Lady Foresight (busy with a letter)
I'm busy. Truly, I wonder at your behaviour to me in company.
Scandal
Madame, if your ladyship pleases, I would talk with you privately.
Foresight
I wish you good success. I wish you good success.
Scandal
You are too kind, Mr. Foresight.
Lady Foresight
Husband, will you go for a nap? It's past noon. Mr. Scandal, your
servant.
Scandal
You keep to a schedule, madame.
Foresight
My dear, lend me your looking-glass.
Scandal
Lend it to him, madame. (Lady Foresight gives her husband the
looking- glass) My passion for you is grown so violent that I am no
longer master of myself.
Lady Foresight
Was there ever such impudence, to make love to me before my
husband's face? (aside) I like this mightily. (aloud) I swear I'll tell
him.
Scandal
Do. I'll die a martyr to my love for you. But come a little farther
this way, and I'll tell you how we may get him out of the way.
(Scandal and Lady Foresight move off and whisper.)
Foresight
To her, Mr. Scandal, to her! Hmm, I'm a little pale.
Lady Foresight
Are you all right, husband?
Foresight
Hmm, I'm a little pale and my pulse is racing. (aside) I hope Mr.
Scandal is doing his bit as he promised. Perhaps tonight. I feel a
throbbing in my head just thinking about the joy of it.
Scandal
Your lady says your sleep has been unquiet of late.
Foresight
Very likely. Oh, my pulse is galloping.
Lady Foresight
Oh, mighty restless, but I was afraid to tell him so. He has been
subject to talking and starting.
Scandal
And did not used to be so?
Lady Foresight
Never, never, till the last three nights; I cannot say that he as
once broken my rest since we have been married.
Foresight
I will take a nap. (aside) And have such dreams. Such lascivious
dreams. To her, Mr. Scandal. To her.
Scandal
Do so, Mr. Foresight, and say your prayers. They may be blessed
with fruition. You look better than you did.
Foresight
Do you think so?
Scandal
Yes, yes. It will be over in a short while. If you go to bed now
(aside to Foresight) I believe I shall do your business for you with
your lady.
Foresight
I hope so. (fervently) I hope so. (aside) Egad, I am faint and my
pulse is racing with expectation. If only the Moon holds, and Venus is
in conjunction—then it may go well.
Scandal
I hope Mars and Venus will be in conjunction while your wife and I
are together.
(Exit Foresight.)
Lady Foresight
Well, and what use do you hope to make of this business? You don't
think you are ever likely to succeed in your design upon me?
Scandal
Faith, I do; I have a better opinion of you and myself than to
despair.
Lady Foresight
Did you ever hear such a toad? Harkee, devil, do you think any
woman honest?
Scandal
Yes, several very honest; they'll cheat at cards sometimes, but
that's nothing.
Lady Foresight
Pshaw, but virtuous!
Scandal
There are some fools in the world; but most are ugly. You are too
pretty to suffer from such a defect in character.
Lady Foresight
Oh, monstrous! What of conscience and honor?
Scandal
Why, as for honor, you have secured that by marrying the noble
Foresight, thus creating a perpetual opportunity for pleasure.
Lady Foresight
An opportunity for pleasure!
Scandal
Yes, a husband. That takes care of honor. I shall take care of
conscience.
Lady Foresight
So, you think we are free to do as we please?
Scandal
I love to speak my mind.
Lady Foresight
Why, then, I'll speak my mind. As to this affair between you and
me, I'll confess it does not displease me. Your person is well enough.
Scandal
I have no great opinion of myself, but I'm neither ugly nor a fool.
Lady Foresight
But you have a villainous character; you are a libertine in speech
as well as practice.
Scandal
He that cries stop thief, is often the very thief himself.
Lady Foresight
It is more dangerous to talk of love to you than to grant another
man the last favor.
Scandal
Do not believe it. The liberty I take with others never concerns
myself. I am a juggler.
Lady Foresight
But such a universal juggler
Scandal
Faith, I'm sound.
Lady Foresight
I'll swear you're impudent.
Scandal
I'll swear you're handsome.
Lady Foresight
Pish, you'd tell me so, though you didn't believe it.
Scandal
And you'd think so, though I did not tell you so. And now, I think
we know each other pretty well.
Lady Foresight
You had best go to bed and dream, too. Like my husband.
Scandal
Faith, I have a good, lively imagination and can dream much to the
purpose if I set about it.
Lady Foresight
I swear, Mr. Scandal, you are very alluring and say many fine
things. With blushes I must own it, you have shaken, as I may say, the
very foundation of my honor.
Scandal (aside)
Egad, I'll endeavor to make it shake indeed, madame. (aloud) You do
me an injury—
Lady Foresight
If I escape your blandishments, I shall be proud as long as I live.
Scandal (aside)
What care I how you value yourself? (aloud) And despise me.
Lady Foresight
Never. Gratitude forbid.
Scandal
Your charming tongue pursues the victory of your eyes—while at
your feet, your poor adorer dies—
Lady Foresight
I am not safe if I stay here to hear this—
Scandal
Oh, do not go. Why are you so bewitching? (aside) She'd best snap
soon. I'm almost at the end of my cant.
Lady Foresight
I protest you have given me a palpitation of the heart.
Scandal
I can't outlive this night without your favor.
Lady Foresight
Sir, you have conquered. What marble heart could fail to yield? I
dare swear every circumstance of me trembles. I surrender myself to
your uncontrollable embraces.
CURTAIN
(Foresight, Lady Foresight and Sir Sampson are talking. Enter Scandal.)
Scandal
Bad news, bad news.
Sir Sampson
What's the matter?
Scandal
Undoubtedly, Mr. Foresight knew all this and might have prevented
it.
Foresight
'Tis no earthquake! I only prevent earthquakes.
Scandal
No, no.
Sir Sampson
Why, body o me, out with it.
Scandal
Your son, Valentine, has been taken very ill. It's his wits. He
speaks little, yet says he has a world to say. He says he has secrets
to impart. I suppose to you, Mr. Foresight, and to you, Sir Sampson,
for he calls you both. I can get nothing out of him. He desires to see
you today, but would not be disturbed at present because he has some
business in a dream.
Sir Sampson
Hoity-toity, what have I to do with his dreams? Body of me, this is
a trick to get out of his contract. His solemn contract. No doubt the
devil will tell him in a dream not to part with his inheritance. But
I'll bring a parson to tell him the devil's a liar. If that won't do,
I'll bring a lawyer that shall out-lie the devil.
Scandal
He's stark mad.
Sir Sampson
Mad. Some say from the barbarous usage he has received at your
hands, and at the hands of his mistress, Angelica.
Foresight
What, is he non compos mentis?
Scandal
Quite non compos, sir.
Foresight
Why, then all's obliterated, Sir Sampson. If he's non compos mentis
his act and deed will be of no effect. It's no good in law. I told you
to consult me as to the time; I saw madness in his face.
Sir Sampson
Oons, I won't believe it; let me see him, sir. Mad. I'll make him
find his senses.
Foresight
Saw it in his face.
Sir Sampson
Damn your predictions!
Foresight (offended)
The marriage is off. Your son is no match for my daughter. I'm a
lawyer, and I'll tell you—the only ones who make anything out of a
lawsuit are the lawyers. Besides, I won't force my girl; Prue wanted
none of Mr. Benjamin anyway.
Sir Sampson
I shall run mad myself.
(Exit Sir Sampson in a fury.)
Foresight
Wherein was I mistaken, not to have foreseen this?
Scandal (to Lady Foresight)
Madame, you and I can tell him something else that he did not
foresee.
Lady Foresight
What do you mean? I don't understand you.
Scandal
Hush—the pleasures of last night, my dear, too considerable to be
forgot so soon.
Lady Foresight
Last night! Last night was the same as the night before, I think.
Scandal
S'death, do you make no difference between me and your husband?
Lady Foresight
Not much—he's superstitious and you are mad.
Scandal
You make me mad. You are not serious. Pray recollect yourself.
Lady Foresight
Oh, yes. Now, I remember. You were very impertinent and
impudent—and would have come to bed with me?
Scandal
And did not?
Lady Foresight
Did not? With what face can you ask that question?
Scandal
This I have heard before, but never quite believed. The world says
you can quite forget the man you have lain with all night—and deny
favors done with more impudence than you can grant them.
Lady Foresight
It's a damned lying world.
Scandal
Madame, I'm your humble servant and honor you.
Foresight (to himself)
It's a great consolation to have a particular friend like Mr.
Scandal. He's still trying to move my wife. Would that he might
succeed. She's so nice. So very nice.
Scandal
You look pretty well, Mr. Foresight. How did you rest last night?
Foresight
Truly, Mr. Scandal, I was so—so moved last night—with—with
dreams and—visions—that I remember little.
Scandal
'Twas a very forgetting night.
Foresight (aside to Scandal)
I thank you for your endeavors.
Scandal
The pleasure was all mine. I doubt not but she'll be persuaded and
you'll be a father of a bouncing boy. (aside) She may choose to
forget—but I forgot to take precautions and, dame me, I've made more
bastards than any three gallants in this town.
Foresight
Will you be pleased to try again?
Scandal
Faith, no. I've shot my bolt. If I did not succeed, I have no taste
to do it over.
(Enter Lord Froth.)
Lord Froth
Where is all the company?
Foresight
The company? I don't know but everything is topsy-turvy.
Lord Froth
What's the matter? Where's my wife?
Foresight
All turned topsy-turvy, sure as a gun.
Lord Froth
How do you mean? My wife?
Foresight
The strangest posture of affairs.
Lord Froth
What, my wife?
Foresight
No, no. I mean the family. Your lady's affairs may be in a very
good posture. I saw her go in the garden—down by the bushes with Mr.
Tattle.
Lord Froth
In the bushes with Mr. Tattle? How, where, what to do?
Foresight
I suppose they had been laying their heads together.
Lord Froth
How?
Foresight
About poetry, I suppose; making couplets.
Lady Foresight
Oh, here they come now.
(Enter Lady Froth and Mr. Tattle.)
Tattle
My Lord, your humble servant. The finest day—
Lady Froth
My dear, Mr. Tattle and I have been star gazing, I don't know how
long.
Foresight
Does it not tire your ladyship? Are you not weary of looking up?
Lady Froth
Oh, no. I love it violently—my dear, you're melancholy.
Lord Froth
No, my dear, I'm just awake.
Lady Froth
Sniff some of my hartshorn.
Lord Froth
I've some of my own, thank you, my dear.
Lady Froth
Well, Mr. Tattle, you understand astronomy like an almanac. Like a
Greek.
Tattle
Not comparably to your ladyship.
Lady Froth
Shall you and I make an almanac together?
Tattle
With all my heart.
(Exit Lady Froth and Tattle followed by a suspicious Lord Froth. Enter Angelica in excitement.)
Angelica (agitated)
What's the matter with Valentine? I have heard he's ill.
Scandal
No strange matter, madame; he's mad, that's all.
Lady Foresight
I suppose you have thought him so a great while?
Angelica
All women think their lovers mad. Their love is certain proof if
it. (troubled) How d'ye mean mad?
Scandal
Why, faith, madame, he's mad for want of his wits. His head is as
light as his pockets.
Angelica
If you speak the truth, your endeavoring at wit is very
unseasonable.
Scandal
I had no idea his affliction would trouble you.
Angelica
You can't think me guilty of so much inhumanity as not to be
concerned for a man I must own myself obliged to. May I see him?
Scandal
I'm afraid his physician is not willing you should see him yet.
Angelica
As you are his friend, I beseech you—
Scandal
Be not too much concerned, madame. I hope his condition is not
desperate: an acknowledgement of love from you, perhaps, would work a
cure.
Angelica (aside)
Is that how the land lies? (aloud) Acknowledgement of love! You
mistake my compassion for a weakness I am a stranger to. If he can't be
cured without my sucking the poison from the wound, I'm afraid he won't
recover his senses until I lose mine.
Scandal
Won't you see him, then, if he desires it?
Angelica
What signifies a madman's desires? Besides, 'twould make me uneasy.
If I don't see him, my concern for him will lessen. If I forget him,
it's no more than he has done by himself.
Scandal
You were confessing just now an obligation to his love.
Angelica
But passions are unreasonable and involuntary; if he loves and it
drives him mad, he can't help it—help it any more than I can help my
want of inclination to stay here any longer.
(Angelica flounces out.)
Scandal (shaking his head)
An admirable composition, this same womankind.
Foresight
What, is she gone?
Scandal
Why, she was never here nor anywhere else; and I don't know her if
I see her, nor do you.
Lady Foresight
This is some trick of Valentine's. Angelica sees it, too. Go
forward with the marriage.
Foresight
No, the marriage is definitely off. Prue doesn't like Mr. Ben and I
won't force her.
(Enter Angelica, escorted by Scandal.)
Angelica
Do you know me, Valentine?
Valentine (starting up)
Oh, very well.
Angelica
Who am I?
Valentine
You are woman. The reflection of heaven in a pond—he that leaps in
you is—sunk. I know you; for I loved a woman—and I loved her so long
that I found out what a woman is good for.
Angelica
What's that?
Valentine
Why, to keep a secret.
Angelica
Oh, Lord, stark mad.
Valentine
Oh, exceedingly good to keep a secret: for though she should tell,
yet she is not to be believed.
Scandal
I'll leave you together.
Angelica
Oh, heavens, you won't leave me alone with a madman?
Scandal
No, madame, I only leave a madman to his remedy.
Valentine
Madame, you need not be very much afraid, for I fancy I begin to
come to myself.
(Exit Scandal.)
Angelica (aside)
I'll be hanged if I don't make you stark mad in good earnest before
I'm through.
Valentine
You see what love brings us to. Now let us understand one another.
Angelica
Heaven knows I pity you. Could I have foreseen the effects, I would
have tried to love you, but it's too late.
Valentine
What's too late? I am not mad.
Angelica (aside)
You shall be. (aloud) Is it a trick then?
Valentine
Yes, to deceive my father.
Angelica
And I thought your love to me had caused this delirium. (sadly) How
disappointing. I nearly came to love you.
Valentine
Nearly! Oh, barbarous!
(Scandal returns.)
Angelica
So, you did this not for love, but only for mercenary ends?
Valentine
Now you do me wrong.
Angelica
Perhaps you thought me mercenary. But how am I deluded by this
interval of sense to reason with a madman.
Valentine
I am not mad.
Angelica
Oh, here's a reasonable creature. Scandal, acknowledge the trick;
confess the madness is counterfeit.
Scandal
Counterfeit, Madame? I'll maintain him to be as absolutely and
substantially mad as any Chemist, Lover or Poet in Europe.
Valentine
S'death, you lie. I am not mad.
Angelica
Ha, ha, ha, you see, he denies it.
Scandal
Did you ever know a madman who didn't?
Valentine
'Tis time to stop the jest.
Scandal
Why, yes, he has intervals. But see how wild he looks now.
Valentine
This farce is done. I will be mad no longer.
Angelica
Ha, ha, ha. Is he mad or not?
Scandal
Certainly, for he does not know his own mind for two minutes. Sir,
your father is below and asks for you. That's why I returned. Will you
be mad or not?
Valentine
Mad, of course. I will be mad to everybody but this lady.
Scandal
Just so. Shall I permit him to come up?
Valentine
Let him wait.
Angelica
Oh, by no means. I'm going.
Valentine
Will you leave me in this uncertainty?
Angelica
Would anyone but a madman complain of uncertainty? Uncertainty and
Expectation are the joys of life. Security is a dull, insipid thing. I
am not the fool you take me for; and you are mad and don't know it.
Adieu.
(Angelica exits.)
Valentine
From a riddle you can expect nothing but a riddle.
Scandal
I hear your father's step. Back to your couch.
(Valentine leaps to the couch and disarranges his hair, looks wild.)
Valentine
Ha, what's that?
(Enter Sir Sampson, somewhat timidly for him.)
Scandal
For heaven's sake, softly and gently; don't provoke him.
Valentine
Answer me; who is that?
Sir Sampson
Egad, does he not know me? I'll speak gently. Val, Val—do you know
me, boy? What, not know your own father?
Valentine
It may be so. I had a father once. I did not know you—the world is
full—there are people that we know and people that we don't know;
and—and yet (softly) the sun shines on all alike. There are fathers
that have many children, and children that have many fathers—strange
—BUT I AM TRUTH AND COME TO GIVE THE WORLD THE LIE!
Sir Sampson
This is strange.
Valentine
Why do you wear black? Do you wear your conscience on your outside?
Do you know me?
Sir Sampson
Yes.
Valentine
You lie, for I am truth. But, I'll tell you one thing; it's a
question that would puzzle a mathematician—whether the Bible saves
more souls in Westminster Abbey or damages more souls in Westminster
Hall? For my part, I am truth and cannot tell. I have very few
acquaintances.
Sir Sampson
He's babbling—does he have intervals?
Scandal
Very few.
Valentine
'Tis well. What o'clock is it? My father here? Your blessing, sir.
Sir Sampson
Bless thee, Val. How are you, boy?
Valentine (jubilant)
Pretty well, sir. Won't you please sit down?
Sir Sampson
I will. Come, boy, you shall sit down by me.
Valentine
That were disrespectful.
Sir Sampson
No, no. Come, sit thee down. Let me feel your pulse. Pretty well.
I'm glad you are better, honest Val.
Valentine
Thank you, Dad.
Sir Sampson
Your hand does not shake. I believe you can write, Val, ha, boy?
Can you write your name, Val? Come, show your father what you can do.
(Valentine doesn't respond.)
Sir Sampson
Do you know this paper, Val? (showing a paper, but holding it
beyond Valentine's reach)
Valentine
I can't tell. Let me see.
Sir Sampson
See it, boy? Why, you see it there. It's your own hand. Let me see,
I can read it as plain as can be. Look you here: (reading) “The
condition of this obligation—” And then, at the bottom: “As witness my
hand, Valentine Plyant: in great letters. Why it's as plain as can be.
I believe I can read it farther off yet.
(Sir Sampson stretches his arm out as long as he can.)
Valentine
May I hold it, sir?
Sir Sampson
Hold it? Why, with all my heart? But, what need anybody to hold it?
I'll put it in my pocket and then nobody need hold it. There Val, safe
enough.
Valentine
What? Who are you?
Sir Sampson
Eh, don't you know me?
Valentine
Is my bad genius here again? No, it is a devil with an itching
palm; and he's come to be scratched. My nails are not long enough. Let
me have a pair of red hot tongs, then you shall see me lead the devil
by the nose.
Sir Sampson
Lord, Lord. I'll not venture myself with a madman.
Valentine
Who's that talks out of his way? I am truth and can set him right.
Harkee, friend, the straight road is the worst you can go. He that
follows his nose, often will be led to a stink.
Sir Sampson
What the devil had I to do, ever to beget sons? Why did I ever
marry?
Valentine
Because you were a monster, old boy. The two greatest monsters in
the world are a man and a woman. What's thy opinion?
Sir Sampson
Why, my opinion is that these two joined together make yet a
greater— a man and his wife.
Valentine
Ha, old true penny, do you say so? But, it's wonderful strange.
Sir Sampson
What is?
Valentine
That grey hairs should cover a green head and I make a fool of my
father.
(Enter Foresight.)
Foresight
What does he say? Has he uttered any prophecies or oracles?
Sir Sampson
A pox on your prognostications. Oons, that you could not foresee
that the moon would predominate and my son run mad.
Foresight
But, I did, Brother, I did. Did I not say I saw madness in his
face?
(Exit Sir Sampson in a rage.)
Sir Sampson
You're a fool; he's a fool; we're all fools.
Foresight
It's really a pity that man is so ignorant.
(Enter Benjamin and Mrs. Frail.)
Ben
All mad, I think—all the monsters of the deep are come ashore.
Mrs. Frail
Mr. Benjamin in a rage?
Ben
No, I'm pleased well enough now I have found you. I have weathered
such a hurricane on your account.
Mrs. Frail
My account, what's the matter?
Ben
Why, Father found me squabbling with that chitty-faced thing he
would have me marry. I told him in plain terms if I were minded to
marry, I'd marry to please myself—not him. As to the young woman he
provided for me, I think it more fitting she should be learning her
copy book and making dirt pies than looking for a husband. I have
another voyage to make.
Mrs. Frail
Do you intend to go to sea again?
Ben.
No, no—my mind runs on you—but I did not tell him so much. Then
he told me the match was off anyway because brother Val is gone mad. I
was sorry to hear Val is sick o the head, but it's an ill wind that
blows no one any good, as the saying is.
Mrs. Frail
Then why are you so upset?
Ben
Because now Father will have me marry that flighty thing Angelica.
Mrs. Frail
Angelica?
Ben
She's a fine woman, but she flies too high for this poor sailor. I
would not be led around by the nose like my brother Val. I told him I
would not venture in that direction.
Mrs. Frail
Why, what happened then?
Ben
He became more angry than a Northwester. He said he'd marry her
himself if I didn't.
Mrs. Frail
Sir Sampson marry Angelica?
Ben
I told him if he played the fool and married at these years there
was more danger of his head aching than my heart. He hadn't a word to
say but that he'd disinherit me if I didn't pay my addresses to
Angelica.
Mrs. Frail
Well then, you must obey him.
Ben
Obey him? I want to marry you. Sure, you're mad, too.
Mrs. Frail
If you want to marry me, you must learn to do as I say—and in this
case, obey your father.
Ben
I can't see why.
Mrs. Frail
Let me manage this. Have no fear, Angelica will reject you. She
loves Valentine.
Ben
He's welcome to that one. But, around that woman—I—I'm
tongue-tied, as it were—
Mrs. Frail
So much the better, you're sure to fail and that insures success.
Ben
Eh?
(Enter Angelica, reading a book.)
Mrs. Frail
Oh, Ben. You are come at a critical moment. Here's Angelica. Pursue
your point, now or never.
Ben.
I would gladly have been encouraged with a bottle or two—
Mrs. Frail
Foh, a drunken lover. There's no time for that.
Ben
But, I shall break my mind—that is, upon further acquaintance.
(approaching Angelica, who continues reading) So, for the present, I'll
take my leave. (Ben retreats) You'll make my excuse.
Mrs. Frail
What? You must not be daunted.
Ben
Daunted. No, no. If I set on it, I'll do it. But, for the present—
till further acquaintance— (leaving)
Mrs. Frail
You'll never lose such a favorable opportunity if I can help it.
I'll leave you together and lock the door.
(Exit Mrs. Frail, locking the door.)
Ben
No, no. I've forgotten my gloves. (desperate) What d'ye do? Mrs.
Frail, open the door. What a trick this is! Now she has seen me. (to
Angelica, who ignores him) I made bold to pass through. (struggling
with the door) I think this door's enchanted.
Angelica (declaiming)
Spare me, gentle boy, Press me no more For that slight toy—
Ben
Eh. Cousin, your servant.
Angelica
Mr. Benjamin
Ben
No offense, I hope.
Angelica
Have you any business with me?
Ben
Not at present. I made bold to come and see if you were disposed to
walk this evening?
Angelica
A walk? What then?
Ben
Nothing—only for the walk's sake.
Angelica
I nauseate walking. It's a country diversion. I loathe the country.
Ben
Do you? Well, perhaps a play?
Angelica
I hate the town, too.
Ben
Hate them both. 'Tis like you may.
Angelica
Ha, ha, ha. Yes, 'tis like I may. You have nothing more to say to
me?
Ben
Not at present.
Angelica
I have a little business, if you will excuse me.
Ben
When you are deposed, when you are deposed. Now's as well as
another time; another time's as well as now. There's no haste. It will
keep cold as they say. Cousin, your servant. I think this door is
locked.
Angelica
You may go this way.
(Angelica points to another door and Ben dashes for it.)
Ben
By your leave.
Angelica
Ha, ha, ha.
(Angelica waits, then follows Ben out. After a pause, Lord Froth and Tattle enter.)
Tattle
Your Lordship is so merry.
Froth
Merry. O barbarous. I'd as soon you called me a fool.
Tattle
But your laughter is so becoming.
Froth
Ridiculous. I laugh at nobody's jest but my own, or a lady's—I
assure you.
Tattle
Let me perish. Do I never say anything worthy of laughter?
Froth
Don't misapprehend me. I often smile at you. But there is nothing
so unfashionable as to laugh—everybody can laugh—even a peasant. Now
then, when I laugh, I always laugh alone.
Tattle
That's because you laugh at your own jests.
Froth
Your raillery provokes me to a smile.
Tattle (looking in his mirror)
Deuce take me, I have encouraged a pimple.
Froth
Then you must mortify him with a patch. My wife will supply you. I
see her coming.
(Enter Lady Froth.)
Lady Froth
Ah, Parnassus. Mr. Tattle, I have the most exquisite simile to show
you.
Tattle
With all my heart.
(Lady Froth exits with Mr. Tattle, leaving a vexed Lord Froth by himself.)
Froth
Is it come to this?
(Enter Prue.)
Prue
Oh, Lord Froth, I'm glad you are here. I have been looking up and
down for you like anything.
Froth (coldly)
Indeed, my dear.
Prue
Oh, I have wonderful news—wonderful news. I must not marry that
sea porpoise, my father says so.
Froth
I'm glad you are so happy, child, to lose a husband.
Prue
But now I can marry you.
Froth
Who told you that, child?
Prue
Why you did—you said you loved me.
Froth
But that was yesterday, child. I slept a whole night and did not so
much as dream of the matter. Besides I'm already married.
Prue
But can't you divorce her, or send her away?
Froth
No, no. (aside) Though if I did, it would not be for such a chit as
this. (aloud) Divorce is too unfashionable. It's only for common
people. Fie, you're a woman now and must think of a new man every
evening. No, child, you would not have me—
Prue
No? But, I would, though—
Froth
You forget you're a woman and don't know your down mind. Better run
play with your dolls, child.
(Exit Froth.)
Prue
AWW. HOO, HOO, HOO.
(Prue bawls and falls into a tantrum, jumps up and down, rolls on the floor and beats her heels.
(Enter Foresight.)
Foresight
Mercy on us. What do these lunacies portend? Are you mad, child?
Prue
I WANT A HUSBAND.
Foresight
You just refused Mr. Benjamin?
Prue
I want a husband, not a sea monster. What, must I be a child
forever and sleep with nurse? Indeed, I won't. I will have a man
someway or other. Oh, when I think about a man, I feel hot and shivery
inside— oh—
Foresight
This lunacy is catching. Hussy, you shall have the rod.
Prue
A fiddle for a rod. The only rod I want is a husband. If you don't
get me one, I'll get one for myself. Mr. Maskwell says he loves me, and
he's a handsome man.
Foresight
Did he so? Rogue. Nurse, Nurse!
(Enter Nurse.)
Nurse
Yes, sir?
Foresight
Take Miss to her room and lock her up. And then, tell that villain
Maskwell to make ready his accounts. He leaves this house tonight.
(Nurse exits, wrestling with a screaming Prue.)
Foresight
All mad, all mad. Surely the nation is endangered. These portents
can signify nothing less than a national catastrophe. Yes, it must
be—the French will invade—I'd better warn the countryside.
(Enter Sir Sampson and Angelica.)
Sir Sampson
Where is the Old Soothsayer? This uncle of mine elect? Aha, Old
Copernicus, Uncle Foresight, wish me joy, double joy, both as uncle and
astrologer. Here's a conjunction that was not foretold in all your
zodiacs. You're an old fellow, Foresight, I mean Uncle Foresight—and
yet you shall dance at my wedding. We'll have the music of the spheres
for thee, Old Ptolemy, that we will.
Foresight
You are not married to my niece?
Sir Sampson
Not absolutely married, Uncle, but very near it, within a kiss, you
see.
Angelica
Very true, indeed, Uncle. I hope you'll be my father and give me
away.
Sir Sampson
That he shall, or I'll burn his globes and zodiacs. He shall be
your father, and you shall make me a father, and I'll make you a
mother.
Foresight
This is so surprising.
Sir Sampson
Surprising, Uncle? Not at all. It's a plot to undermine cold
weather.
(Enter Lady Foresight and Ben.)
Lady Foresight
I'm glad to hear there's so much fire in you, Sir Sampson.
Ben
I fear his fire's little better than tinder; it will only serve to
light a candle for someone else.
Sir Sampson (in a rage)
Who gave you authority to speak in this case? To your element,
fish— rule your own helm, don't direct me.
Ben
Take care of your own helm, or you won't keep her under sail for
long.
Sir Sampson
You impudent tarpaulin. Do you bring your filthy forecastle jests
upon your father?
Lady Foresight
Out upon it—at years of discretion and conduct yourself at this
rate.
Ben
No offense, Aunt.
Lady Foresight
No offense? As I'm a person, I'm ashamed of you. Foh, how you stink
of wine. Do you think my daughter will ever endure such a tankard?
You're an absolute tankard.
Ben
Tankard? If you grudge me liquor, make up a bill. Give me more
drink, and take my purse. (singing) Prithee, fill me the glass, He that
whines for a lass, Is an ignorant ass. (stops singing) But if you would
have me marry my cousin, say the word, and I'll do it. Ben will do it.
That's the word. Ben will do it, that's my crest—my motto, I have
forgot.
Lady Foresight
Ben is a little drunk from drinking your health, Angelica.
Ben
In vino veritas, Aunt. I have drunk your health today, Cousin. I am
a tankard. But if you have a mind to be married, say the word, Ben will
do it. If she has her maidenhead, let her look to it. Ben will do it.
If she has not, let her cry out, at nine months' end: “Ben did it.”
Angelica
Your pardon, Aunt, I can stay no longer. Cousin Ben grows very
powerful—egh, how he smells. I shall be overcome with the fumes if I
stay.
Lady Foresight
Smells? He would poison an apothecary and his family. I don't know
what to do with him. You are not fit to live in a Christian
Commonwealth. Go to the Saracens, or the Tartars, or the Turks—
beastly pagan.
Ben
Turks, no; no Turks, Aunt. Your Turks are infidels and believe not
in the grape. My map says your Turk is not orthodox. It is a plain
case, that Orthodox is a hard word, Aunt, and, hiccough, Greek for
Claret. (sings) To drink is a Christian diversion, Unknown to the Turk
or the Persian, Let Mohammedan fools Live by heathenish rules, But let
British lads sing: “A health to the King!” Hurrah.
Lady Foresight
Go lie down and sleep, you sot, or as I'm a person, I'll have you
beaten with broomsticks. Call up the wenches with broomsticks.
Ben
Ahoy. Wenches, where are the wenches?
(Enter Scandal.)
Lady Foresight
Dear Mr. Scandal, get him away. I have an affair that invades me
with some precipitation—
Scandal
Come, brave sailor. Will you go to a cock fight?
Ben
With a wench? Is she a shake-bag? Lead on, Macbeth, lead on. Ben
will do it. (singing) Let Mohammedan fools Live by heathenish rules—
(Enter Foresight and Maskwell.)
Foresight
Have you deceived me, you villain, and betrayed all the kindnesses
you have received at my hands by paying addresses to my daughter?
Maskwell
Only to serve your honor.
Foresight
To serve me? How?
Maskwell
I thought a certain person was too much in her good graces and
sought to act as a counterweight to prevent her from committing some
folly.
Foresight
Who? Who dared to address my daughter without my consent?
Maskwell
I am loathe to say. Friendship binds me to silence. But he aims
there no longer—be at ease on that account.
Foresight
Be easy? Where does he aim now?
Maskwell
At your wife.
Foresight
What?
Maskwell
I am sorry I can't make you an answer, this is an occasion on which
I would not willingly be silent—but—
Foresight
If he is your friend, what am I?
Maskwell
I am answered.
Foresight
What is the villain's purpose?
Maskwell
I should rather give you an opportunity to observe than to speak
ill of him—you know I mean Valentine.
Foresight
Nobly spoken.
Maskwell
If you will follow me to my Lady's chamber—
Foresight
Hell, I will.
Maskwell
Duty to you makes me do a severe justice. When everything is ready,
I shall call you.
Foresight
By all the stars, I am your friend forever.
(Exit Foresight and Maskwell. Enter Scandal and Tattle, followed by Ben.)
Ben
Boys, boys, lads, where are you? Scandal, this is your
trick—you're always spoiling company by leaving it.
Scandal
And you're always spoiling company by coming into it.
Ben
Pooh. Man, when I say you spoil company by leaving it, I mean you
leave nobody for the company to laugh at. I think I was with you, ha?
Tattle
Most definitely.
Ben
Tell me more, Mr. Tattle, about my Aunt's reputation.
Tattle
More? Why I know nothing. Have I said anything about her
reputation? Oh, fie.
Scandal
Mr. Tattle has a great reputation for secrecy.
Tattle
I thank heaven it has always been a part of my character to handle
the reputation of others very tenderly.
Scandal
Such reputations as you have to deal with are in need of tender
handling.
Tattle
How can you say that when you know not the persons of whom you
speak?
Scandal
Not know them? Why, you never had to do with anybody that did not
stink to all the town.
Tattle
As I hope to be saved, I never exposed a woman since I knew what a
woman was. I never could meddle with a woman that had to do with
anybody else.
Ben
How?
Scandal
Except her husband, Tattle.
Tattle
Oh, that.
Scandal
Yet, you were once fond of Mrs. Frail.
Ben (aside)
What's this?
Tattle
Till I found out her intrigue with Valentine. Oh, what have I said?
My unlucky tongue.
Scandal
Ha, ha, ha.
Ben
Mrs. Frail?
Scandal
Yes, Mrs. Frail is a very fine woman. We all know her.
Tattle
Oh, that is not fair.
Scandal
What?
Tattle
To tell.
Scandal
To tell what? What do I know of Mrs. Frail? I don't know if she is
a man or woman—except by her dress.
Tattle
No?
Scandal
No.
Tattle
She says otherwise.
Scandal
Impossible.
Tattle
Ask Valentine.
Scandal
Why, then I believe a woman only obliges a man that she may have
the pleasure of telling herself.
Tattle
No doubt on it? Well, but has she done you wrong or not? You have
had her?
Scandal
I have more honor than to tell first, but I have never contradicted
a lady in my life.
Ben
Then you own it?
Scandal
I can't deny it if she says so.
Ben
Mayhap, I'll ask her.
Scandal
Barbarous. Ask a lady?
Ben (aside)
This is lucky. I was about to marry my brother's whore. Nay,
everybody's whore.
Scandal
Come, let us go back to the company. Mum's the word as to all this.
No harm done—all friends here.
CURTAIN
(Lady Foresight is pacing impatiently, playing with her fan. Enter Maskwell.)
Lady Foresight
You are late. I was accusing you of neglect.
Maskwell
Excess of joy has made me stupid.
Lady Foresight
You can excuse a fault too well, a ready answer shows you were
prepared.
Maskwell
Guilt is at a loss; innocence never—
Lady Foresight
Not in love—love has no language to be heard—
Maskwell
Who would not lose speech to have your favors? (kisses her)
Lady Foresight
Let me lock the door first, so that it's safe.
(Valentine steps from behind the curtains.)
Valentine
And may all treachery be thus discovered.
Lady Foresight
AHHH!
Maskwell (running out)
Fortunately, I have provided an escape for myself.
Valentine
Hold, madame, hold. You have no more holes to your burrow. I'll
stand between you and this sally port.
Lady Foresight
Thunder will strike thee dead.
Valentine
Be patient.
Lady Foresight
Be damned.
Valentine
Consider, I have you on the hook.
Lady Foresight
I'll hold my death and die, but I'll be free.
(Maskwell returns, leading in Angelica and Foresight.)
Maskwell (whispering to Foresight)
I have kept my word. He's here best discovered.
(Maskwell leaves.)
Maskwell
I will not be seen in this.
Foresight
Hell and—she's in tears.
Lady Foresight (low to Valentine)
If I repent? You will not expose me?
Valentine
I will be your friend in every honest way.
Lady Foresight (seeing her husband and Angelica, aside)
Witnesses. Then all's my own. (aloud, dropping to her knees) Never,
never—kill me—I'll die before I consent to such a sin—
Valentine
Ha.
Lady Foresight
Cruel man, I'll forgive all you've done. And I won't tell. Do not
ravish me.
Foresight
Monster! Dog! I'm old, but by the stars, I'll fight.
(Foresight rushes at Valentine with his cane. Angelica and Lady Foresight restrain him.)
Angelica
Hold, hold.
Valentine
Sorceress.
Lady Foresight (to Foresight)
Moderate your passion. He's mad, alas, he's mad.
Foresight
You excuse him?
Lady Foresight
Indeed, he is my Lord, and knows not what he does. See how wild he
looks.
Valentine
By heaven, 'twere senseless not to be mad and see such witchcraft.
Lady Foresight
You hear him? He talks idly.
Valentine
Now, by my soul, I will not go till I have made known my
wrongs—and yours—though she has the hosts of hell as her servants.
Lady Foresight
Alas, he raves. Talks poetry. For heaven's sake, husband, come away
before he attempts some extravagance.
Valentine
Angelica, will you hear me?
(Angelica turns her back on him and stalks out.)
Valentine (to Foresight)
Will you not hear me? Why, by heaven, she laughs, grins, points to
your back; she forks out cuckoldom with her fingers—and you're not
running horn mad after your future.
(Lady Foresight turns and smiles at Valentine as she and Foresight leave.)
Foresight
He's mad, indeed. I'll send Maskwell to him.
Lady Foresight
I'll faint if I stay.
(Ben enters and lies down on a couch out of sight. Enter Maskwell and Lady Foresight.)
Maskwell
Was it not lucky?
Lady Foresight
Lucky? It might have been my ruin.
Maskwell
But fortune is your own.
Lady Foresight
Not yet. The honey-tongued devil has somehow persuaded Angelica
that it was all a mistake. How, I do not know.
Maskwell
They are coming now; best not be seen together.
(Exit Lady Foresight.)
Maskwell (aside)
So it takes. Angelica believes Valentine because I told her the
whole plot. Valentine trusts me absolutely now; so now is the time to
line my own pockets.
Valentine
Ah, dear Maskwell. But for your good words, this lady would never
have even spoken to me.
Maskwell
Despite what's happened, all can be saved yet.
Angelica
My uncle is being very troublesome. He will do everything he can to
prevent the marriage and, while he cannot succeed, now that I have made
up my mind, he can cause a lot of trouble.
Maskwell
It must be by elopement. It is vain to talk anymore.
Angelica
An elopement? How very common.
Valentine
He's right. I know no other way—if you have love enough to run
this venture?
Angelica
Love enough? I don't know that—but I have obstinacy enough to
oppose anything that resists my will though it were reason itself.
Valentine (aside)
Egad, frank at least.
Maskwell
I'll secure the proper papers and run the hazard with you.
Angelica
But how can we escape without suspicion?
Maskwell
Leave that to my care. The coach shall be got ready by your uncle's
own order.
Valentine
How?
Maskwell
I will tell him the whole of the contrivance. That's my way.
Valentine
How will that help?
Maskwell
Why, I will tell my Lord I laid this plot with you on purpose to
betray you—and that while she thinks she is marrying you, she will
actually be marrying Sir Sampson.
Valentine
So?
Maskwell
So, while you're busy getting ready, Sir Sampson will whisk her
away.
Valentine
I see. You'll tell him that.
Maskwell
Yes. Why, don't you think I mean to do so?
Valentine
No, no. I dare swear you will not. Excellent Maskwell, you were
certainly meant to be a statesman—but you are too honest.
Maskwell
Well, get yourself ready. Go by the back stairs. We'll meet here in
an hour.
(Exit Valentine with a gesture of admiration for his friend. Ben's head appears over the top of the sofa and then disappears.
Ben (aside)
Do you say so?
Maskwell
Madame, will you be ready?
Angelica
For once in my life, I will be punctual.
Maskwell
Stay. Upon second thought, we had best meet in my chamber. It will
be more convenient.
Angelica
I am guided by you, but Valentine will mistake.
Maskwell
No, I'll tell him straightaway.
Angelica
I will not fail.
(Exit Angelica.)
Maskwell
'Tis no fault of mine. I have told them in plain terms how easy it
is to cheat them; and if they will not hear the serpent's hiss, they
must be stung, now to—
(Ben rises up with a pistol in his hand.)
Maskwell
What the devil?
Ben
Ahoy there.
Maskwell
What do you mean by this rudeness?
Ben
D'ye see, I've been dozing her and heard all your plan. I
understand your trick, my little shark.
Maskwell
Will you expose me?
Ben
No, I mean to profit by it.
Maskwell
What do you mean?
Ben
That you don't need to concern yourself with, little shark. If
you'll just accompany me to a closet, I shall secure your cooperation.
Foresight, Mrs. Foresight, Lord Froth, Lady Froth are at cards.
Tattle and Scandal are also present.
(Enter Sir Sampson and Mrs. Frail.)
Sir Sampson
Brother, the most unlucky accident.
Foresight
What's the matter?
Sir Sampson
Oh, the two most unfortunate creatures.
Lady Foresight
Bless us, how so?
Sir Sampson
Mrs. Frail and I are— Oons, I can't speak it out.
Mrs. Frail
Married.
Lady Foresight
Married? How?
Sir Sampson
Ben did it. But this is the most cruel thing. To marry someone one
does not know. Body o me if I ever was concerned like this in my life.
It was a trick, I thought it was Angelica.
Lady Foresight
This is very unfortunate if you don't care for one another.
Sir Sampson
I never liked anybody less in my life. Poor woman. Gad, I'm sorry
for her, too; for I have no reason to hate her neither; but I believe I
shall lead her a damned sort of life.
Lady Foresight
He's better than no husband at all, I suppose. But mine's worth two
on him.
Mrs. Frail
It's well it was no worse. It was Ben's idea. For my part, I always
despised Sir Sampson of all things; nothing but his being my husband
could make me like him less.
Sir Sampson
I thought as much. If only it could be kept secret.
Scandal
You'll agree very well in a little time; Custom will make it easy
to you.
Sir Sampson
Easy! Damnation, I don't think I shall sleep tonight.
Mrs. Frail
Depend upon it, you shall not. What on your wedding night? You
shall do your duty, Sir Sampson. We shall see if you are worthy of your
name.
(Sir Sampson looks frightened.)
Sir Sampson
Argh.
Foresight
But, how did this come about?
Sir Sampson
I designed to marry Angelica privately—and she planned to cheat me
by marrying Valentine. But somehow Ben cheated us both, substituted
himself for Valentine and this lady for Angelica.
Lady Foresight
Ben married to Angelica! Then I am revenged.
Ben (haling in Angelica)
Give us joy.
Angelica
You brute. Beastly creature. I won't be married to you.
Ben
Married and consummated. That's good in law.
Angelica
But I thought you were Valentine.
Ben
You were not so unkind but a few moments ago.
Sir Sampson
Dog—do you trick your father and your brother?
Ben
And did you not mean to trick me? First, you would have me marry
that little chit? Then you would put Mrs. Frail upon me, who was
Valentine's mistress for several years? Did you think this old sea dog
was a complete fool? (to Angelica) You, my lady should be thankful you
are married to a gentleman and not to Maskwell. You, Father, are
married to a very worthy lady who desired to be nearer related to you.
What, you would not have your son marry a whore? She planned to marry
Valentine. Why fooling you all is easier than standing a night's watch.
As for you, young Mistress Weathervane, you shan't lead me the dance
you led my brother, for at the first sign, I'll put to sea—d'ye
conceive me? And if you do not behave on the voyage, I'll drown you
like a cat.
Angelica
Inhuman monster. (aside) I begin to like him immensely.
Lady Foresight
Then I am revenged. Maskwell dares not speak and Valentine is
ruined.
(Enter Valentine.)
Valentine
Brother, what have you done?
Ben
Only as you would have done by me.
Valentine
You'll answer for this.
Ben
Anytime. You know I am a better swordsman, Val. Better think twice.
Valentine
I'll pay you back.
Sir Sampson
Never mind, Val, what's done is done and cannot be undone. I'll be
revenged on Ben, at least; I release you, Valentine, from your
obligations. Come, comfort your father. Ben shall have none of my
money.
Valentine
Sir, you oblige me much, and do a long way to reconciling myself to
my loss of Angelica.
Ben
Forget her, Val. This jade wants a stronger hand than yours to
control her. To love her is to be lost.
Angelica
Say you so, Porpoise? In a week, you shall be at my feet.
Valentine
It's true she has not been very kind.
Lady Foresight (aside)
Are they to be reconciled? Then, what of my revenge? (she tears her
fan)
Scandal
From hence, let those be warned who mean to wed, lest mutual
falsehood stain the marriage bed. For each deceiver to his cost my find
that marriage frauds are often paid in kind.
CURTAIN