Congreve's Comedy of Manners

Frank J. Morlock

EText by Dagny
  • BY WAY OF PREFACE
  • ACT I
  • ACT II
  • ACT III
  • ACT IV
  • ACT V
  • EText by Dagny
    This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
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    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

    By


    C 1982

    BY WAY OF PREFACE

    My intention in writing this play was to distill the essence of
    Congreve, to the extent of my ability, into one stageworthy play. Congreve wrote four comedies, The Way of The World being his acknowledged masterpiece. Love for Love is less brilliant but easier to perform, though it seldom is. His earlier plays, The Old Bachelor and the Double Dealer contain very good material but are rarely read let alone performed. Revival is unlikely. I had the idea of building a pastiche of all the comedies. My plan was to build on the general plot of Love for Love and weave characters and dialogue from the other plays into and around it. In the process some characters are blended with other characters, and acquire clever dialogue found elsewhere. The result is, hopefully, a lively play that will keep Congreve's best work before the public eye. But for a transitonal phrase or two, almost every line in this play is Congreve's. It stands to reason then, that whatever virtues it has are his, and whatever faults are mine. The play is not meant as an imitation or improvement of Congreve but rather a “good parts” version of his existing works. Frank Morlock


    Dramatis Personae:

    Men
    Foresight, an astrologer Sir Sampson Plyant, a crusty old man Valentine, his son, in love with Angelica Ben, his younger son, a naval officer Lord Froth, an exquisite gentleman Scandal, Valentine's friend Maskwell, a villain, secretary to Foresight Tattle, a beau valued for his secrecy

    Women
    Lady Foresight, an adulterous wife in love with Valentine Angelica, a spirited and affected young woman, niece to Foresight Mrs. Frail, sister to Foresight, a woman of the town Prue, Foresight's daughter by an earlier marriage Nurse Servant


    Time: London, circa 1699


    ACT I


    Scene I. A room in Foresight's house. The room is furnished with various astrological paraphernalia. Foresight, a fiftyish, pedantic man in a rather unstylish wig enters and addresses an old servant woman.

    Foresight
    What, are all the women in my family abroad? Is not my wife come home? Nor my sister, nor my daughter?

    Servant
    No, sir.

    Foresight
    What can be the meaning of it? Sure the moon is in all her fortitudes. Is my niece Angelica at home?

    Servant
    Yes, sir.

    Foresight
    I believe you lie, madame.

    Servant
    Sir?

    Foresight
    I say you lie. It is impossible that anything should be as I would have it; for I was born when the Crab was ascendant and all my affairs go backward.

    Servant
    I can't tell, indeed, sir.

    Foresight
    No, I know you can't, madame. But I can tell, and foretell, too.

    Servant
    Ha, ha, ha.

    Foresight
    What's the matter?

    Servant
    You have put on one stocking inside out.

    Foresight
    That may be a sign of very good luck. I have had several omens recently. I got out of bed backwards this morning—and without premeditation—pretty good that—but then a black cat crossed my path —bad that. Some bad, some good. (looking at his watch) Three o'clock. A very good hour for business.

    (Enter Angelica.)

    Angelica
    Is it not a good hour for pleasure too, Uncle Foresight? Pray lend me your coach, mine's out of order.

    Foresight
    What, would you be gadding about, too? Sure all these females are mad today. An evil portent. I remember a prophecy—it bodes of cuckoldom.

    Angelica
    But Uncle Foresight, I can neither make you a cuckold by going out, nor secure you from it by staying at home.

    Foresight
    Not so. While one woman is left in the house, the prophecy is not in full force—

    Angelica
    But my inclinations are in force; I have a mind to go out. If you won't lend me your coach, I'll take a hackney. Cast a horoscope and see who is in conjunction with your wife. You know my Aunt is a little retrograde in her nature. I'm afraid you are not the lord of the ascendant. Ha, ha, ha.

    Foresight
    You are a very pert jill flirt.

    Angelica (stifling her laughter)
    Uncle, don't be angry. If you are, I'll swear you are a nuisance to the neighborhood with your false prophecies, miraculous dreams, and idle divinations.

    Foresight
    Why, you malapert—

    Angelica
    Will you lend me your coach? Or I'll continue: Nay, I'll declare how you prophesized popery was coming. Indeed, Uncle, I'll indict you for a wizard.

    Foresight
    Was there ever such a provoking minx?

    Servant
    How she talks—

    Angelica
    Yes, and I can make oath of your unlawful midnight practices, you and old Nanny there.

    Servant
    Oh, Lord, I at midnight practices!

    Angelica
    Yes. I saw you two together through the keyhole one night, like Satan and the Witch of Endor pricking your thumbs to write poor innocents' names in blood.

    Foresight
    I defy you, hussy.

    Angelica
    I know something worse, if I would speak of it.

    Foresight
    I'll remember this; I'll be revenged on you, cockatrice; I'll hamper you. You have your fortune in your own hands, but—

    Angelica
    Will you? All shall out then. Look to it, Nanny. I can bear witness that you have a great unnatural teat under your left arm and he another, and that you suckle a young devil in the shape of a tabby cat, by turns—I can.

    Foresight
    A teat. A teat. I, an unnatural teat! Oh, false slanderous thing.

    Servant (pushing her bust out)
    Feel, feel here if I have anything but what is like any other Christian.

    Foresight
    I will have patience. It is in my stars that I should be thus tormented. This is the effect of the malicious conjunctions and oppositions in the third house of my nativity; there the curse of kindred was foretold. But I'll punish you. I'll have my doors locked up. Not one man, not one gallant shall enter my house. Consider that, hussy.

    Angelica
    Do, Uncle, do. Lock 'em up quickly before my Aunt comes home. You'll have a letter for alimony tomorrow morning. But let me begone first, and then let no man come near this house but he who converses with spirits and the celestial signs, the bull, and the ram, and the goat. Bless me! there are a great many horned beasts among the twelve signs. But patient cuckolds, they say, go to heaven.

    Foresight
    There's but one virgin among the twelve signs, spitfire, but one virgin.

    Angelica
    No doubt she had an astrologer husband. That is what makes my Aunt go abroad.

    Foresight
    How? How? Is that the reason? Come, you know something. Tell me, and I'll forgive you. Do, good Niece. Come, you shall have my coach and horses. Does my wife complain? I know women tell one another—she has a wanton eye and was born under Gemini, which may incline her to— incline; she has a mole upon her lip and a moist palm, and an open liberality on the mount of Venus—

    Angelica
    Ha, ha, ha.

    Foresight
    Don't perplex your poor Uncle. Tell me. Won't you speak?

    Angelica
    Goodbye, Uncle. Ha, ha, ha. I'll find out my Aunt and tell her she must not come home.

    (Enter Valentine, a magnificent Chevalier, who bows deeply to Angelica.)

    Angelica
    Ah, Valentine, you here?

    Foresight
    Ha, your gallant has arrived. We'll speak of this another time, Niece. Come, Nurse.

    (Foresight and Nurse go out.)

    Angelica
    Valentine, did you take exception last night? Oh, aye—and went away. Now I think on it, I am angry. No, now I think on it, I am pleased, for I believe I gave you some pain.

    Valentine
    Does that please you?

    Angelica
    Infinitely! I love to give pain.

    Valentine
    Do not affect cruelty. Your true nature is the power of pleasing.

    Angelica
    Oh, I ask your pardon for that. One's cruelty is one's power, and when one parts with one's cruelty, one parts with one's power and when one parts with that, I fancy one's old and ugly.

    Valentine
    To be sure, sacrifice your lover to your cruelty. But I'll tell you a secret: beauty is a lover's gift, it is a reflection of a lover's praise, not a woman's face.

    Angelica
    By which you prove that if I give up my lover, I give up my beauty? Vain man. You would never have loved me if I were not handsome. Why, one makes lovers as fast as one pleases and they live as long as one pleases, and they die as soon as one pleases, and if one pleases one makes more.

    Valentine
    Very pretty.

    Angelica
    I'd as soon owe my beauty to a lover as my wit to an echo.

    Valentine
    Ah, but you do.

    Angelica
    How so?

    Valentine
    To your lover, you owe the pleasure of hearing yourself praised, and to an echo, the pleasure of hearing yourself talk.

    Angelica
    Foh! I'm going out.

    Valentine
    I would beg a little private audience. You had the tyranny to deny me last night, though I came to impart a secret that concerned our love.

    Angelica
    You saw I was engaged.

    Valentine
    You had the leisure to entertain a herd of fools. How can you delight in such society?

    Angelica
    I please myself—besides I do it for my health.

    Valentine
    Your health!

    Angelica
    Yes. It prevents the vapors. If you persist in this offensive freedom, you'll displease me. I think I must resolve, after all, not to have you. We shan't agree.

    Valentine
    Not as regards medicinal matters.

    Angelica
    And yet, our distemper shall be the same, for we shall be sick of one another. I shan't endure to be reprimanded, nor instructed; 'tis so tedious to be told one's faults. I can't bear it. Well, I won't have you, Valentine. I'm resolved. (hesitating) I think— You may go. (bursts out laughing) Ha, ha, ha. (Valentine shows signs of being thoroughly vexed) (good-naturedly, almost mischievously) What would you give that you could help loving me?

    Valentine (furious)
    I would give something if you did not know I cannot help it!

    Angelica
    Come, don't look so grave then—it's a sure sign.

    Valentine
    A man may as soon make a friend with his wit or a fortune by his honesty as win a woman with sincerity!

    Angelica
    Sententious Valentine! Prithee, don't look so wise and violent—like Solomon at the dividing of the child.

    Valentine (controlling himself)
    You are a merry madame, but I would persuade you to be serious for a moment.

    Angelica
    What, with that face? No, if you keep your countenance it is impossible I should keep mine. (musing) Well, after all, there is something very moving in a lovesick face. Ha, ha, ha. Well, I won't laugh, it would be cruel—don't be peevish. Ah, now I'll be melancholy, as melancholy as, as a poet. (she assumes a very melancholy pose) Well, Val, if you ever would win me, woo me now. (Valentine remains furiously silent) Ah, if you are so tedious, fare you well— (starts to leave)

    Valentine
    Can you not find in the variety of your disposition even one moment?

    Angelica
    To hear you tell me that your father proposes to disinherit you?

    Valentine
    But, how came you to know of it?

    Angelica
    I will leave you to consider. When you have done thinking of that, think of me.

    (Angelica sails out, leaving Valentine perplexed and cursing under his breath.)

    Valentine (exploding)
    INCONSTANT CREATURE!

    (That stops Angelica and she returns.)

    Angelica
    You can't accuse me of inconstancy; I never told you that I love you.

    Valentine
    Then I accuse you of not telling me whether you do or not.

    Angelica
    I have never troubled myself to make up my mind on the question.

    Valentine
    Nor good nature enough to do so—

    Angelica
    What, are you setting up for good nature?

    Valentine
    As women do for virtue, for the affectation of it. (desperately) Why won't you hear me with patience?

    Angelica
    I'm tired of being pestered with flames and stuff. I think I shan't endure the sight of a fire this twelvemonth.

    Valentine
    Even fire cannot melt that cruel, frozen heart.

    Angelica
    God, how I hate your hideous fancy; if you must talk of love, for heaven's sake, do it with variety; don't always come like the devil wrapped up in flames. I'll not hear another sentence that begins: “I burn . . .”

    Valentine
    Tell me how you would be adored. I am very tractable.

    Angelica
    In silence.

    Valentine
    Humph, I thought so, that you might have all the talk to yourself—you had better let me speak, or I'll make villainous signs—

    Angelica
    What would you get by that? I won't understand signs.

    Valentine
    If I am to be tongue-tied, my actions will quicken your apprehensions and—egad—let me tell you my most prevailing argument is expressed in dumb show.

    Angelica
    Foh! An ape is a more troublesome thing than a parrot.

    Valentine
    There are few men but do more silly things than they say. Faith, I could be well pleased to drive a bargain in silence—it would save a man a world of swearing and lying. When wit and reason both have failed to move, Kind looks and actions from success do prove.

    Angelica
    Your father is coming, and I'm leaving.

    (Angelica exits; Sir Sampson Plyant, Valentine's father enters with Foresight.)

    Valentine
    Your blessing, sir.

    Sampson
    You've had it already today, sir. I think I sent it to you in a bill for four thousand pounds. If there was too much, refund the superfluity, dost hear, Boy?

    Valentine
    Superfluity! Sir, it will scarcely pay my debts.

    Sampson
    Indeed. Then you should have less of them.

    Valentine
    I hope you will not hold me to the hard conditions I agreed to—

    Sampson
    Here's a rogue, Brother Foresight, makes a bargain in the morning and would be released in the afternoon. Here's honesty; here's conscience.

    Valentine
    The bargain was made under duress.

    Sampson
    I shall hold you to it to the letter. Do you deny it?

    Valentine
    I don't deny it, Father.

    Sampson
    Dog, you'll be hanged. I shall live to see you go to Tyburn. Has he not a rogue's face? Speak, Brother, you understand physiognomy—a hanging look to me.

    Foresight (not unkindly)
    Humm—truly, I don't care to discourage a young man—he has madness in his face—but, I see no danger of hanging—

    Valentine (aside)
    Madness. There's a lucky thought. (aloud) Sir, this usage to your Son will drive me mad.

    Sampson
    Why, who are you, sir?

    Valentine
    Your Son, sir.

    Sampson
    That's more than I know, sir, and I believe not.

    Valentine
    Indeed. Then, I hope I am not.

    Sampson
    What, would you make your mother a whore! (to Foresight) Did you ever hear the like?

    Valentine
    I was merely offering an excuse for your barbarity.

    Sampson
    Excuse! Why, may I not do as I please? Did you come a volunteer into this world or did I press you into service, eh?

    Valentine
    I know no more why I came than you do. But I came with all the appetites and senses that you begot along with me.

    Sampson
    Oons, what had I to do to get children? He must have appetites! Why, you'd rather eat pheasant than mutton and drink wine rather than beer. And smell. I warrant he can smell and loves perfumes above a stench. Why, there it is. And music. Don't you love music, scoundrel?

    Valentine
    I'm told I have a good ear—

    Sampson
    A good ear! If this rogue were dissected, I'll warrant he has vessels of digestion large enough for a Cardinal. Oons, if I had that four thousand pounds again I would not give you one shilling. 'Sheart, you were always fond of wit. Now, let's see if you can live by your wit. Your brother will be in town today, then look to your covenant—you must renounce all title to your estate in his favor.

    Valentine
    I have agreed to it, Father. But I think it very harsh. Good day, sir.

    (Valentine bows and goes out.)

    Sampson
    No more to be said, Old Merlin, that's plain. Here it is. (brandishing a paper) I have it in my hand, Old Ptolemy. He thought if he danced until doomsday, I was to pay the piper. Well, here it is, under seal.

    Foresight
    What is it, anyway?

    Sampson
    In return for saving that spendthrift from prison for debt, I have made him agree to renounce his inheritance in favor of his brother Ben. Body oh me, I'm so glad to be revenged on this unnatural rogue.

    Foresight
    Let me see—so it is. When was this signed? You should have consulted me as to the time.

    Sampson
    No matter for the time. It's signed.

    Foresight
    But the time is all important.

    Sampson
    Brother Foresight, leave superstition. Pox on the time. There's no time like the present.

    Foresight
    You are very ignorant.

    Sampson
    If the sun shine by day and the stars by night—why, we shall know one another without the help of a candle—and that's all the stars are good for.

    Foresight
    How, how? Give me leave to contradict you. You are an ignorant agnostic and sceptic.

    Sampson
    Ignorant! Why, I have traveled the globe and seen the antipodes where the sun rises at midnight and sets at noon.

    Foresight
    But I can tell you that I have traveled in the celestial spheres, known the signs and the planets and their houses. Can judge of motions, direct and retrograde. Know whether life shall be long or short, happy or unhappy, if journeys shall be prosperous, undertakings successful, or stolen goods recovered. Furthermore, I know—

    Sampson
    And I know the length of the Emperor of China's foot! And I have made a cuckold of a king. Body oh me, the present Majesty of Bantam is the issue of these loins!

    Foresight
    I know when braggarts lie or speak the truth, even when they don't know it themselves.

    Sampson
    I have known an astrologer made a cuckold in the twinkling of a star; and seen a conjuror that could not keep the devil out of his wife's circle—ha, Old Wizard. Old Galileo.

    Foresight
    Do you mean my wife, Sir Sampson? By the body of the sun—

    Sampson
    By the horns of the moon, you would say, Brother Capricorn.

    Foresight
    Capricorn in your teeth, Liar. Take back your inheritance and put your son Ben back to sea. I'll wed my daughter Prue to an Egyptian mummy before she shall incorporate with the son of one who scoffs at science.

    Sampson
    Body oh me, I have gone too far. I must not provoke Copernicus too much. An Egyptian mummy is an illustrious creature, my trusty hieroglyphic, and may have significations about him. What, thou art not angry for a jest, my Good Kepler. I would Ben were an Egyptian mummy for your sake. I reverence the sun, the moon, and the stars with all my heart.

    Foresight
    Well, why didn't you say so?

    Sampson
    I love to jest. Now I think on it, I have the foot of an Egyptian mummy that I purloined from one of the pyramids when I was last in Egypt having an affair with the Pasha's wife. You shall have it.

    Foresight
    But, what do you know of my wife, Sir Sampson?

    Sampson
    Your wife is a constellation of virtues; she's the moon and you are the man in the moon. I was but in jest. (aside) A more shameless whore never lived.

    (Sir Sampson and Foresight exit. Enter Mrs. Frail and Lady Froth at another door.)

    Mrs. Frail
    Indeed, madame! Is it possible your ladyship was so much in love?

    Lady Froth
    I could not sleep; I did not sleep for three weeks together.

    Mrs. Frail
    Prodigious! I wonder, want of sleep and so much love, and so much wit, as your ladyship has did not turn your brain.

    Lady Froth
    Oh, my dear Frail, you must tease your friend. But really, I wonder too. But I had a way. For between you and I, I had whimsies and vapors but I gave them vent.

    Mrs. Frail
    How?

    Lady Froth
    Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?

    Mrs. Frail
    Write what?

    Lady Froth
    Songs, elegies, satires, panegyrics, lampoons, plays and heroic poems.

    Mrs. Frail
    Oh Lord, not I.

    Lady Froth
    Oh, inconsistent, in love and not write! If my lord and I had been both of your temper, we had not come together. Bless me, what a sad thing that would have been.

    Mrs. Frail
    Then neither of you would ever have met with your match.

    Lady Froth
    Very true. I think he wants nothing but a blue ribbon and a star to make him shine the very phosphorous of our hemisphere. Do you understand those hard words? If no, I'll explain them to you.

    Mrs. Frail.
    Yes, yes, I'm not so ignorant. (aside) At least I won't own it to be troubled with your instruction.

    Lady Froth
    But I'm amazed you don't write. How can your amant believe you love him?

    Mrs. Frail
    Oh, I have a way of showing him that leaves no doubt. But, Lady Froth, you must see my new dress. I had it brought from Paris.

    Lady Froth
    I shall be delighted. But, you really don't write?

    (They go out. Enter Lady Foresight at another door, followed by Maskwell. Lady Foresight is an aging, but still beautiful woman. At the moment she is in a rage. Maskwell is trying to placate her.)

    Lady Foresight
    I'll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful. Come, I know you are false.

    Maskwell
    I have been frail in your ladyship's service—

    Lady Foresight
    That I should trust a man who had betrayed his friend—

    Maskwell
    What friend have I betrayed or to whom?

    Lady Foresight
    Valentine—and to me. Can you deny it?

    Maskwell
    I do not.

    Lady Foresight
    And have you not wronged my husband? And in the highest manner—in his bed?

    Maskwell
    With your ladyship's help and assistance. I can't deny that either. Anything more, madame?

    Lady Foresight
    More! Have you not dishonored me?

    Maskwell
    No, that I deny; for I never told a soul. So that accusation is answered. On to the next, for I see you have more.

    Lady Foresight
    Insolent devil! Do you mock my passion? Have a care! One word to my husband and you are ruined.

    Maskwell
    Will you be in a temper, madame? I would not talk to be heard. I have been a very great rogue for your sake, and you reproach me with it; I am ready to be a rogue still to do you service. And you fling conscience and honor in my face. How am I to behave?

    Lady Foresight
    Impudent villain. Do you dare to say this to me?

    Maskwell (icily)
    Look you, madame, we are alone. Contain yourself and hear me. You know you loved Valentine when I first sighed for you—but you only favored my passion through revenge and policy.

    Lady Foresight
    Liar! Have I not met your love with passion?

    Maskwell
    Only to aid your revenge on Valentine. To entice me, that I might betray him to you.

    Lady Foresight
    Damnation! Do you provoke me again?

    Maskwell
    Nay, madame, I'm gone if you relapse. I say nothing but what you yourself have confessed to me. Why should you deny it? How can you?

    (Lady Foresight walks about in a fury, fanning herself.)

    Maskwell
    I am your slave—the slave of all your pleasures. I will prevent his marriage to Angelica.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, Maskwell, in vain do I disguise myself before you—you know me—to the very inmost windings of my soul.

    Maskwell
    Compose yourself. You shall possess and ruin him, too. Will that please you?

    Lady Foresight
    How, how? You dear, you precious villain, how? Let him once be mine and immediate ruin seize him the next!

    Maskwell
    His father has forced him to relinquish his inheritance.

    Lady Foresight
    But that will not prevent Angelica from marrying him. She is a romantic fool, but she has ample fortune in her own hands.

    Maskwell
    You have already been tampering with Lady Froth?

    Lady Foresight
    I have. She is ready for any impression I think fit.

    Maskwell
    She must be thoroughly persuaded that Valentine loves her.

    Lady Foresight
    She is so credulous and she likes him—likes any man—so well that she will believe it faster than I can persuade her. She will write an epic about it. But, what can we gain that way?

    Maskwell
    Time. Come, we must speak of this privately.

    (Exit Maskwell and Lady Foresight.)


    Scene II. The same, later that day.

    (Enter Foresight and Lady Foresight.)

    Foresight
    I confess I am troubled that you are so cold in his defense.

    Lady Foresight
    His defense! Bless me, would you have me defend an ill thing?

    Foresight
    You believe Lady Froth then?

    Lady Foresight
    I don't know. I find you are prepared to receive an ill impression of any opinion of mine that is not agreeable to your own. But, as I am like to be censured in the end, I do not believe it. Don't ask me my reasons, they are not fit to be told.

    Foresight
    Reasons that convince you, ought to convince me.

    Lady Foresight
    If I told you I saw it in the stars or in a dream, you would believe me.

    Foresight
    Did you?

    Lady Foresight
    I have better proof than that. (cagily) Don't press me.

    Foresight
    This Valentine, although he has forfeited his fortune, I have always regarded as a decent man, suitable for Angelica, if she would have him. But, I will not allow her to marry a libertine. Now, speak.

    Lady Foresight
    What ever it was, it's past. Rest satisfied.

    Foresight
    When you have told me, I will.

    Lady Foresight
    You won't.

    Foresight
    I will.

    Lady Foresight
    What if you can't?

    Foresight
    Then I must know. No more trifling.

    Lady Foresight
    Don't be in a passion. You shan't be angry.

    Foresight
    Well, well.

    Lady Foresight
    You will be calm. Indeed, it's nothing—but— (a pregnant pause)

    Foresight
    But what?

    Lady Foresight
    But, you must promise not to be angry. Valentine is very sorry. He swore he was sorry—and would not do it again.

    Foresight
    Sorry for what?

    Lady Foresight
    No great matter, only—well, I have your promise. Only Valentine had a mind to amuse himself with a little gallantry toward me.

    Foresight (angry)
    What?

    Mrs. Foresight
    I can't think he meant it seriously.

    Foresight
    By all the signs in the Zodiac!

    Lady Foresight
    Or maybe he thought he was not close enough kin to me—and had a mind to create a nearer relation of his own—a lover, you know. Well, but that's all. You see it was nothing. Now you have it. Nothing to take notice about.

    Foresight
    May the powers of hell smite him.

    Lady Foresight
    A little harmless mirth—only misplaced, that's all. It's over now. What if his hand did—

    Foresight
    Did—did what?

    Lady Foresight
    I'm sure he didn't mean to touch my breast. For my part, I have forgot it; I hope he can. I'm sure he has, for I have not heard from him for these two days.

    Foresight
    Two days! Is it so fresh? I'll have him beaten.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, for heaven's sake. You'll ruin me if you take such public notice of it.

    Foresight
    Before I've done, I will be satisfied. How long?

    Lady Foresight
    How long what?

    Foresight
    How long did he touch it?

    Lady Foresight
    Lord, I don't know. A minute, perhaps, before I freed myself.

    Foresight
    By all the stars in the firmament, I am provoked into a fermentation.

    Lady Foresight
    Have patience, let me alone to rattle him up.

    Foresight
    Give me leave to be angry. I'll rattle him up. I'll firk him with a certiorari.

    Lady Foresight
    You firk him—I'll firk him myself, be content.

    Foresight
    Content yourself! Passion is coming upon me by inflation. I cannot submit as formerly, therefore, give way.

    Lady Foresight
    What! Will you be pleased to retire and—

    Foresight
    No, I will not be pleased to retire. I am pleased to be angry, that's my pleasure at this time.

    Lady Foresight
    Why, who are you? What am I? Can't I govern you? What did I marry you for? Am I not absolute and uncontrollable? Is it fit that a woman of my spirit and conduct should be contradicted in a matter of this concern?

    Foresight
    It concerns me and only me. Besides, I am not to be governed at all times. When I am in tranquility, my lady shall command, but when I am provoked to fury, I cannot incorporate with patience and reason. I tell you Mars is in the ascendant; I am ready, I am ready! (brandishing his cane about like a weapon)

    Lady Foresight
    Hot-headed still! Remember, I have a bed-time lecture for you, you disobedient, headstrong brute.

    Foresight
    It's because I won't be a brute with horns that I am thus exasperated. I will protect my honor.

    Lady Foresight
    Your honor! You have none but what is in my keeping, and I can dispose of it when I please—therefore don't provoke me.

    (Angelica and Valentine approach.)

    Lady Foresight (to Valentine)
    Inhuman and treacherous—

    Foresight (finishing her sentence)
    —serpent.

    Angelica
    Bless me!

    Foresight
    Niece, Niece, come away. Go not near him; there's nothing but deceit in him.

    Lady Foresight
    Impudent creature!

    Valentine
    For heaven's sake, madame, to whom do you direct this language?

    Lady Foresight
    Have I behaved myself with all the decorum and nicety befitting the wife of a great astrologer? Have I preserved my honor, white and unsullied, for all these years—and lately even from my husband—to be thus insulted?

    Foresight
    She's been an invincible wife, even to me—

    Lady Foresight
    Have I, I say, preserved myself like a fair sheet of paper for you to make a blot upon?

    Foresight
    And she shall make a simile with any woman in England? Do you think that my niece is fit for nothing but a stalking horse while you take aim at my wife?

    Lady Foresight
    Take the child from his sight.

    Angelica
    He's innocent. I'm sure.

    Foresight
    Innocent! He cares nothing for you but for your fortune, and he's in love with my wife. If I should ever have horns, they will kill me; they would never come kindly. I should die of them like a child cutting his teeth. Come, come.

    (Foresight forcibly drags the protesting Angelica away.)

    Valentine
    I still don't understand.

    Lady Foresight
    You cannot dare deny it.

    Valentine
    I still don't know—

    Lady Foresight
    Fiddle, faddle, don't tell me of this and that. How could you think to make the—the daughter the means of procuring the mother?

    Valentine
    The daughter to procure the mother!

    Lady Foresight
    Though I'm not Angelica's real mother, I've practically been one to her—and that's near enough to make it incest.

    Valentine
    Incest.

    Lady Foresight
    Reflect on the horror of it. Consider what you would have to answer for, should you provoke me to weakness. I, I who have trod the road of virtue thus long and never made one trip, not one false step!

    Valentine
    Where am I? Is it day? Am I awake?

    Lady Foresight
    And nobody knows what may happen. I am sure I can resist the strongest temptation, but then there's no certainty in this life.

    Valentine
    Madame, pray give me leave to ask you one question.

    Lady Foresight
    Ask me the question. I swear I'll refuse it! Oh, you have brought all the blood into my face.

    Valentine
    Madame, hear me—

    Lady Foresight
    Hear you? No, no—I'll deny you first and hear you afterward.

    Valentine
    For heaven's sake, madame.

    Lady Foresight
    Bless me, how can you talk of heaven? Name it no more. Maybe you don't think it a sin, maybe it is not sin to them that don't think so. If I did not think it a sin, I—

    Valentine (dropping to his knees)
    Madame, on my knees—

    Lady Foresight
    No, no, rise up. I know love is powerful, and nobody can help his passion. It's not your fault. I swear it is a pity it should be a fault, but my honor, well, but your honor, too—but the sin—well, but—oh, Lord, someone's coming. I dare not stay. Strive against it, but don't be melancholy. But never think of marrying Angelica, for though I know you don't love her, yet it will make me jealous. I must fly.

    (Lady Foresight exits. Maskwell enters by another door.)

    Valentine (rising)
    Maskwell, welcome. The witch has raised the storm and her ministers have done their work; you see the vessels are parted.

    Maskwell
    I know it. I met Foresight towing away Angelica. Come, don't trouble yourself. I'll join you together or drown in the attempt.

    Valentine
    There's comfort in a hand stretched out to a drowning man.

    Maskwell
    Not drowning. Come, cheer up. Lady Foresight has given me a retaining fee. I am your greatest enemy and she does but journeyman's work under my supervision.

    Valentine
    How's this?

    Maskwell
    What do you think of my being employed in the execution of her plots? By heaven, it's true. I have undertaken to break the match and make your father disinherit you. Oh, she has opened her heart to me. I am to turn you grazing and marry Angelica myself.

    Valentine
    How I shall praise you. You have outwitted Woman.

    Maskwell
    She was very violent at first.

    Valentine
    A very fury; but I am afraid of her violence at last.

    Maskwell
    I know her temper. I pretended to be secretly in love with Angelica; that did my business and convinced Lady Foresight that I might be trusted.

    Valentine
    I am lucky in having you for a friend.

    Maskwell
    Though I say it myself, I am resourceful.

    CURTAIN


    A MIMED INTERLUDE

    Foresight and Mrs. Foresight vociferate with Angelica denouncing Valentine. Valentine succeeds
    in presenting his case to Angelica and convinces her that Mrs. Foresight was mistaken as to his intentions, and that he was only adressing her in the hopes of softening her so he could marry Angelica.

    Now, when Foresight and Mrs. Foresight renew the attack on Valentine, Angelica forcefully
    defends Valentine. Afraid that Angelica will marry Valentine despite her family's opposition, and fearing her game is backfiring Mrs. Foresight consults Maskwell.

    Maskwell, suggests that Angelica be conciliated, so that she will revert to her usual maddening
    behaviour; Mrs. Foresight and Maskwell convince Foresight to set a trap for Valentine. Foresight is difficult to convince but is finally persuaded by an omen. Foresight apologizes to Valentine although he is still suspicious that Valentine hankers after his wife.

    Angelica, no longer obliged to defend Valentine,is a bit suspicious and begins to revert to her
    capricious ways. Stunned, Valentine is ready to pull out his hair.

    SHORT CURTAIN


    ACT II


    Scene I. Same as Act I, later that day.

    (Enter Mrs. Frail, in a fury. She is followed by Lady Foresight.)

    Mrs. Frail
    What have you to do to watch me? S'life, I'll do what I please.

    Lady Foresight
    You will?

    Mrs. Frail
    Yes, a great piece of business about taking a turn in a coach with a friend.

    Lady Foresight
    Two or three turns, I'll take my oath.

    Mrs. Frail
    Well, what if I took twenty? Surely if you had done it, it had only been innocent recreation. Lord, where's the comfort in this life, if we can't have the happiness of conversing with whom we like?

    Lady Foresight
    But, can't you converse at home? I own it, I think there's no happiness like conversing with an agreeable man; I don't quarrel at that, and I'm sure your conversation was very innocent; but the place is public, and to be seen in a coach with a man is scandalous. What if anybody else had seen you as I did? It would not only reflect on you, Sister, but on me.

    Mrs. Frail
    Pooh! Why should it reflect upon you? I don't doubt but you have made yourself happy in a coach before now—

    Lady Foresight
    You forget yourself! I am your brother's wife!

    Mrs. Frail
    If I had gone to Chelsea or Knightsbridge with a man, something might have been said—

    Lady Foresight
    Why, was I ever in one of those places? What do you mean, Sister?

    Mrs. Frail
    Mean? Nothing, not I.

    Lady Foresight (furious)
    You have been at a worse place.

    Mrs. Frail
    I, at a worse place? And with a man?

    Lady Foresight
    I suppose you are not shameless enough to go alone to Black Peter's?

    Mrs. Frail
    Black Peter's? What's that?

    Lady Foresight
    Poor innocent! You don't know that there's a place called Black Peter's! You'd make an admirable actress, you can keep your face straight enough.

    Mrs. Frail
    I'll swear you've got a great deal of confidence and, to my mind, too much for the stage.

    Lady Foresight
    Very well, that will appear. You were never at Black Peter's?

    Mrs. Frail
    No.

    Lady Foresight
    You deny it, positively, to my face?

    Mrs. Frail
    Your face? What's your face?

    Lady Foresight
    No matter for that—it's as good as yours.

    Mrs. Frail
    But slightly more shopworn. But I do deny it, positively, to your face. There!

    Lady Foresight
    Do you so? But look here now. Where did you lose this garter? Oh, Sister, Sister.

    Mrs. Frail
    My garter!

    Lady Foresight
    It's yours. Look at it.

    Mrs. Frail
    Well, if it goes to that—where did you find it? Oh, Sister, Sister. Sister, every way.

    Lady Foresight (helplessly)
    Er—someone found it and gave it to me on your account.

    Mrs. Frail
    Pshaw! That won't pass. I have heard it said that in fencing one should take care not to expose oneself when making a thrust.

    Lady Foresight
    Very true. We are both wounded—so let us do what duellists often do— take care of one another and grow better friends than before.

    Mrs. Frail
    With all my heart. Ours are but slight wounds, and if we keep them well covered, not in the least dangerous.

    Lady Foresight
    Shh! Someone's coming.

    (Enter Lady Froth and Tattle at another door.)

    Lady Froth
    Then, you think that the episode between Susan, the dairy maid, and the coachman is not amiss.

    Tattle
    Incomparable, let me perish—but then, being an heroic poem, had you not better call him a charioteer?

    Lady Froth
    Oh, infinitely better; I'm extremely beholden to you for the hint. (declaiming) “For as the Sun shines every day, So of our coach man I may say—”

    Tattle
    Incomparable, egad—but I have one exception to make. Don't you think there should be marginal notes to the whole poem?

    Lady Froth
    I like that thought. You'd oblige me extremely to write notes to the whole poem—

    Tattle
    With all my heart and soul and, proud of the vast honor, let me perish.

    Lady Froth
    Ah, there's my dear Mrs. Frail; servant Lady Foresight.

    (Enter Lord Froth.)

    Lord Froth
    My dear, have you done? We were just laughing at my Lady Wishfort and Mr. Sneer.

    Lady Froth
    Oh, filthy Mr. Sneer—he spent two days trying to match the color of his coach with his complexion.

    Lord Froth
    Yet his Aunt is as fond of him as if she whelped him herself.

    Lady Foresight
    My Lady Toothless. She's a mortifying spectacle; she's always chewing cud like an old ewe.

    Mrs. Frail
    Then, there's that other great strapping friend of hers—Lady—I can't think of her name—the one that paints so exorbitantly.

    Tattle
    Paints d'ye say. Why, she lays it on with a trowel—let me perish.

    Lord Froth
    I made a song of her.

    Lady Froth
    Oh, let's hear it.

    Lord Froth
    Ancient Phyllis has young graces, 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one. Shall I tell you how? She herself makes her own faces, And each morning wears a new one. Where's the wonder now?

    (Everyone laughs and applauds, most notably, Lady Froth, who admires extravagantly everything her husband does.)

    Lady Froth
    Very pretty. My Lord, I have been telling Mrs. Frail how much I have been in love with you. Ha, ha, ha. Do you remember, my Lord? (squeezing him and giving him a fond look, sighing and then laughing)

    Lord Froth
    Pleasant creature! Perfectly well. Who could resist?

    Lady Froth
    Oh, that tongue, that dear deceitful tongue. Was ever anything so well bred as my Lord?

    Tattle
    Never anything but your ladyship, let me perish.

    Lady Froth
    Doesn't Mr. Tattle have a deal of wit?

    Lord Froth
    Oh, yes, madame.

    Tattle (protesting)
    Oh, heavens, madame.

    Lady Froth
    More wit than anybody.

    Tattle
    I'm everlastingly your humble servant.

    Lord Froth
    Don't you think us a happy couple?

    Mrs. Frail
    I think you the happiest couple in the world, for you're not only happy in one another when you are together, but happy in yourselves and by yourselves.

    Lady Froth (to Lady Foresight)
    I am sure Cousin Foresight makes you a good husband—

    Lady Foresight
    Foh—

    Tattle
    My Lord was telling me that Your Ladyship was composing an epic poem.

    Lady Froth
    Did my Lord tell you? It's true and the subject is my Lord's love to me. What do you think I call it. You won't guess. Spumoso.

    Mrs. Frail
    Spumoso?

    Lady Froth
    Italian for Froth.

    Lady Foresight
    Very apropos, ha, ha, ha.

    Lady Froth (to Tattle)
    You must be my confidant. Ha, ha, ha.

    (Enter Miss Prue, a pretty, well-developed girl of fifteen, but dressed as a child with pigtails and bows, etc.)

    Prue (excited)
    Mother, Mother, Mother, look you here!

    Lady Foresight
    Fie, fie, Miss Prue, how you bawl. Besides, I have told you, you must not call me Mother.

    Prue (puzzled)
    What must I call you then, Mama?

    Lady Foresight
    Laetitia. You must say Laetitia. As I am a person, I shall be fancied old indeed to have this great girl call me Mother. Well, but what are you so overjoyed at?

    Prue
    Look you here, Laetitia, then—what Lord Froth has given me. Here's a snuff box—how sweet it is. Lord Froth is all over sweet. His wig is sweet; his gloves are sweet; and his breath is pure sweet. He gave me this ring for a kiss—

    Lord Froth (not in the least embarrassed)
    Oh, fie, Miss, you must not kiss and tell.

    Prue
    Yes, I may tell my Mother—I mean Laetitia. And he says he'll give me something to make my smock smell sweet.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, fie, Miss, amongst your linen. You must never say smock.

    Prue
    Why, it's not bawdy, is it?

    Lord Froth
    You are too severe upon Miss. Her simplicity becomes her strangely. Don't let them persuade you out of your innocence.

    Lady Foresight
    I wish you don't persuade her out of her innocence. You damn toad.

    Lord Froth
    Who, I, madame? How can you have such a thought? You don't know me. I adore my wife and am as chaste as she.

    Lady Foresight (aside)
    Then she's lost.

    Lady Froth
    I trust my Lord as I do myself. A little innocent raillery.

    Lord Froth
    I swear I would not for the world—

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, hang you; who'd believe you? I know you, sir—

    Lord Froth
    How you love to jest, Cousin.

    Lady Froth
    Why did you have to see her before she was married. Now she'll never marry that uncouth sailor my husband proposes for her.

    Lord Froth
    Upon reputation—

    Lady Foresight
    If my husband found me with you, he'd swear I deliberately brought you acquainted.

    Lord Froth
    I assure you, madame—

    Lady Foresight
    But, then leaving you together, is just as bad. You're too sly a devil to miss such an opportunity. Well, I don't care. I won't have seen it. I wash my hands of it, I'm thoroughly innocent. You will have a lot to answer for if you do. Ladies, come to cards. (to Lady Froth) Aren't you afraid to leave your husband with such an innocent girl?

    Lady Froth
    Not I. I trust him as I do myself.

    Tattle
    I shall follow Your Ladyship.

    (Lady Foresight, Mrs. Frail, Lady Froth and Tattle exit.)

    Prue
    What makes Mother go away, my Lord? What does she mean, do you know?

    Lord Froth
    Yes, my dear, I think I can guess. But I'm damned if I've ever seen the like.

    Prue
    Come, must we not go, too?

    Lord Froth (hesitating, then deciding)
    No, no. She doesn't mean that.

    Prue
    No! What then? What shall you and I do together?

    Lord Froth
    I must make love to you, pretty miss: will you let me?

    Prue
    Yes, if you please.

    Lord Froth (aside)
    Frank at least. What kind of mother is this? Is it to make a fool of me, or does she do as she would be done by? I'll understand it that way.

    Prue
    Come, I long to have you begin. Must I make love, too? You must tell me how.

    Lord Froth
    You must let me speak, Miss. You must not speak first; I must ask you questions and you must answer.

    Prue
    What, is it like the catechism? Come then, ask me.

    Lord Froth
    Do you think you can love me?

    Prue
    Yes.

    Lord Froth
    Pooh, you must not say “yes” already. I shan't care a damn for you if you answer so readily.

    Prue (puzzled)
    What must I say, then?

    Lord Froth
    You must say “no” or “I believe not” or “I can't tell.”

    Prue
    What, must I tell you a lie, then?

    Lord Froth
    Yes, if you would be well bred. Besides, you are a woman and must never speak what you think. Your words must contradict your thoughts, but your actions may contradict your words. So, when I ask you if you love me, you must say no, but you must love me—or at least make me think you do. If I tell you that you are handsome, you must deny it and scorn flattery, yet think yourself more becoming than any other woman. If I ask you to kiss me, you must be angry, but you must not refuse me. If I ask you for more, you must be more angry, but more complying, and as soon as I make you say you'll scream if I don't stop—you must be sure to hold your tongue—

    Prue
    Oh, I like this rarely. And must you not lie, too?

    Lord Froth
    Hum—yes. But you must believe I speak the truth.

    Prue
    Oh, Gemini! Well, I always had a great mind to tell lies, but they frightened me and said it was a sin.

    Lord Froth
    Well, my pretty creature, will you make me happy by giving me a kiss?

    Prue
    No, indeed; I'm angry with you for asking.

    (Prue throws her arms around Lord Froth's neck and kisses him.)

    Lord Froth
    Hold, hold, that's pretty well. But, you shouldn't have given it to me, but rather, permitted me to steal it.

    Prue
    Well, let's try again.

    Lord Froth
    With all my heart. Now then, my little angel. (kissing her)

    Prue
    Pish.

    Lord Froth
    That's right, again, my charmer.

    Prue
    Now, I can't abide you.

    Lord Froth
    Admirable! You might have been born and bred in London. And won't you show me your bed chamber?

    Prue
    No, indeed. But, I'll run there and hide under the bedcover.

    Lord Froth
    I'll follow you.

    Prue
    Ah, but I'll hold the door with both hands and be angry; and you shall push me down before you come in.

    Lord Froth
    No, I'll come in first, and push you down afterwards.

    Prue
    Will you? Then, I'll be more angry and more willing.

    Lord Froth
    Then, I'll make you scream.

    Prue
    Oh, but you shan't, for I'll hold my tongue.

    Lord Froth
    Oh, my apt scholar.

    Prue
    Now, I'll run away.

    Lord Froth
    Now, I'll follow.

    (Exit Prue, followed with Lord Froth. Enter Tattle.)

    Tattle (musing)
    Ah, my dear Lady Froth. She's a most engaging creature, nearly as affected as I am—if only she were not so fond of that damned coxcombly Lord of hers. Now, what shall I say to her? Pox on it—none but dull rogues think—witty men like rich fellows are ready for all expenses. Here she comes. (walks about, singing) I'm sick with love, Prithee come cure me—

    (Enter Lady Froth.)

    Lady Froth
    Have you seen my Lord?

    Tattle
    Oh, my dear Lady Froth! 'Gad, I thank you.

    Lady Froth
    Oh, heavens, Mr. Tattle! What's the matter?

    Tattle
    The matter, madame? Why, nothing—nothing at all!

    Lady Froth
    Why did you call out upon me so loud?

    Tattle
    When?

    Lady Froth
    Just now. Why, don't you know it?

    Tattle
    Did I! Strange. See how love and murder will out.

    Lady Froth
    Do you talk of love? Oh, Parnassus, who would have thought Mr. Tattle could be in love? I thought you could have no mistress but the nine muses.

    Tattle
    No more have I. I adore them all in Your Ladyship. Deuce take me if I can tell whether I am happy or sad that Your Ladyship has made this discovery.

    Lady froth
    Oh, be merry, by all means. Ha, ha, ha.

    Tattle
    Oh, barbarous, to turn me to ridicule! Yet, ha, ha, ha. Deuce take me, I can't help laughing myself. Ha, ha, ha; yet, by heavens, I have a violent passion for Your Ladyship.

    Lady Froth
    Seriously, ha, ha, ha?

    Tattle
    Seriously, ha, ha, ha.

    Lady Froth
    What—ha, ha, ha d'ye think I laugh at? Ha, ha, ha.

    Tattle
    Me, ha, ha, ha.

    Lady Froth
    No, the deuce take me if I don't laugh at myself, for hang me if I have not a violent passion for Mr. Tattle, ha, ha, ha.

    Tattle
    Seriously?

    Lady Froth
    Seriously, ha, ha, ha.

    Tattle
    Let me perish, ha, ha, ha. Ah, my dear charming Lady Froth.

    Lady Froth
    Oh, my adored Mr. Tattle.

    (They embrace. While Lady Froth and Tattle embrace, enter Lord Froth and Miss Prue, hurriedly. The couples do not see each other. Lord Froth is hurriedly dressing, Prue is struggling with her clothes. Lady Froth and Tattle continue to embrace.)

    Lord Froth
    Pox take your old Nurse. Never was man so unkindly interrupted.

    (Lord Froth puts on his wig.)

    Miss Prue
    She'll tell my father. What shall I do? What lie can I tell?

    Lord Froth
    There's no occasion for a lie. I never could tell a lie to no purpose. Why, we have done nothing, have we, child? Therefore, say nothing, but deny everything. It's best I leave you. Come off as best you can.

    (Lord Froth pushes Prue back the way she came, straightens his wig, and advances in the direction of Tattle and Lady Froth.)

    Tattle
    Zoons, madame, there's my Lord.

    Lady Froth
    Take no notice. Now, cast off and meet me at the lower end of the room. Oh, here's my Lord, now you shall see me do it with him. (to Lord Froth) Shall you and I do our close dance to show Mr. Tattle? (not noticing her husband closely)

    Lord Froth (eager to escape)
    No, my dear, do it with him.

    Lady Froth
    I'll do it with him when you are out of the way.

    Tattle
    That's good. I can hardly hold laughing.

    Lord Froth
    Any other time, my dear.

    (Exit Lord Froth, not paying attention to his wife.)

    Lady Froth
    Shall we do it?

    Tattle
    With all my heart.

    CURTAIN


    ACT III


    Scene I. Same as Act I, the next morning.

    Servant
    Sir, my Lady is dressing.

    Ben
    Dressing! Then, my Aunt hasn't dined yet?

    Servant
    Your Aunt, sir?

    Ben
    My Aunt, yes, my Aunt, and Your Lady! How long have you lived with the lady, eh?

    Servant
    A week, sir. Longer than anybody else.

    Ben
    No doubt you know her if you see her.

    Servant
    I cannot safely swear to her face in the morning.

    Ben
    Well, try what you can. Search and tell her that Ben Plyant is in the house.

    Servant
    Yes, sir. Will you step this way, sir?

    Ben
    This creature knows less than a starling; I doubt it knows it's own name.

    (Exit Ben, following the Servant. Enter at another door: Angelica and Mrs. Foresight.)

    Angelica (in a pet)
    Sure, never anything was so unbred as that odious man!

    Lady Foresight
    You have a colour, what's the matter?

    Angelica
    That horrid fellow Petulant has provoked me into a flame. I have broken my fan. Is not all the powder out of my hair?

    Lady Foresight
    No. What has he done?

    Angelica
    He has done nothing; he has only contradicted everything that I said. Well, it is a lamentable thing, I swear, that one has not the liberty of choosing one's acquaintances as one does one's clothes.

    Lady Foresight
    Fools never wear out. If one could only give them to one's maid after a day or two.

    Angelica
    Better so, indeed.

    Lady Foresight
    If you would but admit Valentine as your gallant, you might easily discard Witwould and Petulant as your old smock. And, indeed, it is time, for the town has found it.

    Angelica
    The town has found it! What has the town found? That Valentine loves me is no secret.

    Lady Foresight
    You are nettled.

    Angelica
    You're mistaken. Ridiculous!

    Lady Foresight
    Indeed, my dear, you'll tear another fan if you don't mitigate those violent airs.

    Angelica
    Oh, silly! Ha, ha, ha. I could laugh immoderately. Poor Valentine. I swear I never commanded him to be so coy. If I had the vanity to think he would obey me, I would command him to show you more gallantry. But I despair to prevail, and so, let him have his own way. Ha, ha, ha. Pardon me, dear creature, I must laugh. Ha, ha, ha, though I grant you, it is a little barbarous, ha, ha, ha.

    Lady Foresight
    What a pity it is so much fine raillery and delivered with so significant gesture should be unhappily directed to miscarry.

    Angelica
    Ha? Dear creature, I ask your pardon. I swear I did not mind you.

    Lady Foresight
    Shall I tell him by telling you—?

    Angelica
    Oh dear, what? For it is the same thing if I hear it. Ha, ha, ha.

    Lady Foresight
    That I detest him, hate him, madame—

    Angelica
    Oh, madame, so do I. And yet the creature loves me, ha, ha, ha. How can one not laugh to think of it? I'll take my death I can't think what he sees in me. I'll swear you are handsomer, and within a year or two as young—and so much more experienced. If you could but stay for me, I should overtake you. Well, that thought makes me melancholic, now I'll be sad—

    Lady Foresight
    You are merry, Angelica. (aside) Your merry note may be changed sooner than you think. (aloud) From your example I learn that if we will be happy, we must find the means in ourselves, not in men. Men are always in extremes—while they dote, their jealousies are insupportable; and when they cease to love, they loathe.

    Angelica
    It's an unhappy circumstance that the man should so often outlive the lover. But, 'tis better to be deserted than never to have loved. For my part, my youth may waste, but it shall never rust.

    Lady Foresight
    Then it seems you dissemble an aversion to men?

    Angelica
    Certainly. To have greater freedom.

    Lady Foresight
    Are you a libertine?

    Angelica
    Be sincere. Acknowledge that your sentiments agree with mine.

    Lady Foresight
    Never.

    Angelica
    You hate men?

    Lady Foresight
    Heartily, inveterately.

    Angelica
    Your husband?

    Lady Foresight
    Most transcendentally, and though I say it, meritoriously.

    Angelica
    Give me your hand upon it.

    Lady Foresight
    There.

    Angelica
    I join with you. What I said was but to test you.

    Lady Foresight
    Is it possible? Do you hate those vipers, men?

    Angelica
    I have done hating them and am now come to despise them; the next thing I have to do is eternally to forget them.

    Lady Foresight
    There spoke the spirit of an amazon.

    Angelica
    And yet, I am thinking to carry my aversion further.

    Lady Foresight
    How?

    Angelica
    By marrying. If I could find one thoroughly sensible of ill usage, I think I should revenge myself that way.

    Lady Foresight
    Would you make him a cuckold?

    Angelica
    At the very least, I would make him think I would.

    Lady Foresight
    Why not do it?

    Angelica
    Well, I might. But if he should ever discover it, he would know the worst and be out of his pain.

    Lady Foresight
    Ingenious mischief. Would you were married to Valentine.

    Angelica
    Would I were.

    Lady Foresight
    You change color.

    Angelica
    Because I hate him.

    Lady Foresight
    Why so do I, but I can hear him named.

    Angelica
    I think you look a little pale.

    Lady Foresight
    Do I? I think I am a little sick on the sudden.

    Angelica
    What ails you?

    Lady Foresight
    My husband. Don't you see him? He's in the next room with Valentine.

    Angelica
    Ha, ha, ha. He comes opportunely for you.

    Lady Foresight
    For you he has bought Valentine.

    Foresight (coming forward)
    My dear.

    Lady Foresight
    My soul.

    Foresight
    You don't look well today, child.

    Lady Foresight
    Do you think so?

    Angelica
    He is the only man that does, madame.

    Lady Foresight
    The only man that would tell me so, at least. And the only man from whom I can hear it without mortification. (to Angelica) I shall leave you to your lover, for I know you are dying to see him. Don't deny it. But, your tune will soon change.

    Angelica
    Do you say so? Then, I'm resolved to enjoy it while it lasts. (declaiming) I alone that conquest prize When I insult a rival's eyes— If there's delight in love, 'Tis when I see, That heart which others bleed for, Bleed for me.

    Lady Foresight
    Come, Foresight, we must go.

    Foresight
    Mr. Valentine has waited this half hour for an opportunity to talk with you. Shall I tell him you are at leisure?

    Angelica
    No. What would the dear man have? Bid him come another day. Or send him hither. Just as you will. I think I'll see him, shall I? Yes, let the wretch come. (to Lady Foresight) Entertain Valentine, Aunt. You have the philosophy to undergo a fool—you are married and have learned patience.

    Lady Foresight
    I am obliged to you for making me your proxy in this affair, but I have business of my own.

    (Exit Lady Foresight and Foresight.)

    Valentine (coming forward)
    Do you lock yourself up from me to make my search more difficult? Or does it signify that the chase must end, for you can fly no more?

    Angelica
    Vanity! No. I'll fly and be followed till the last moment. To the very last, and afterwards.

    Valentine
    What after the last?

    Angelica
    I should think I was poor indeed if I were freed from the agreeable fatigues of solicitation. I hate a lover that dares to think he can draw a moment's breath but for my unparalleled bounty. There is not so impudent a thing in nature as the saucy look of an assured man confident of success. Ah, I'll never marry unless I am first made sure of my will and pleasure.

    Valentine
    Would you have them both now before marriage, or will you be content with the first now and stay for the other until after grace?

    Angelica
    Don't be impudent. Dear liberty, shall I give thee up? I can't do it. It is more than impossible. Positively Valentine, I'll lie abed in a morning as long as I please.

    Valentine
    Then I'll get up as early as I please.

    Angelica
    Get up when you will, idle creature. D'ye hear, I won't be called names after I'm married. Positively, I won't be called names.

    Valentine
    Names!

    Angelica
    Yes, such as wife, spouse, dear, joy, jewel, love, sweetheart and the rest of that nauseous cant! I shall never bear that. Good Valentine, don't let us be fond. Let us never visit together—nor go to a play together—let us be very distant and well bred. Let us be as well bred as if we had been married a great while, and as coy as if we were not married at all.

    Valentine
    Have you any conditions to offer. Thus far your demands are pretty reasonable.

    Angelica
    Trifles. Liberty to pay and receive visits to and from whom I please without interrogations or wry faces on your part; to wear what I please, to converse with no man friend of yours that I don't like, come to dinner when I like or not, if I don't like, and not to be obligated to give a reason. And lastly where ever I am, you shall always knock at the door before you come in. And no peeping. I will not be peeped at. These articles subscribed to, if I continue to endure you a little longer, I may, by degrees, dwindle into a wife.

    Valentine
    All I ask is that when you dwindle into a wife, I am not enlarged into a husband.

    Angelica
    Propose your utmost; speak and spare not.

    Valentine
    I thank you. First, you must admit no sworn confidant or intimate of your own sex; no she-friend to screen her affairs under your countenance, and tempt you to do the like. No decoy duck to wheedle you a fop or to go to the play in a mask.

    Angelica
    Detestable condition! I go to the play in a mask?

    Valentine
    Item I, Article: that you continue to like your own face as long as I shall, and that while it passes current with me, that you not endeavor to new coin it. To which end I prohibit all masks for the night made of oilskins, puppy water and I know not what. Item: when you shall be breeding—

    Angelica
    Oh, name it not.

    Valentine
    Which may be presumed as a blessing on our endeavours—

    Angelica
    Odious endeavour!

    Valentine
    There will be no straight lacing and squeezing till you mold my boy's head like a sausage loaf. These provisos admitted in other things I may prove a tractable and good-natured husband.

    Angelica
    Oh, horrid proviso. I hate your proviso.

    Valentine
    Shall I kiss your hand upon the contract?

    Angelica
    What must I do? Shall I have him? I think I must have him. Well then, I'll take my death, I'm in a horrid fright. I shall never say it. Well, I think I'll endure you.

    Valentine
    Speak in plain terms. Tell me, for I am sure you have a mind to me.

    Angelica
    Are you? I think I have—and you, horrid man, you look as if you thought so, too. Well, you ridiculous thing you, I'll have you— I won't be kissed, and I won't be thanked. Here, kiss my hand, though. (Valentine kisses her hand) So, hold your tongue now, don't say a word.

    Valentine
    I am all obedience. But I shall release you from your promise if I am not able to regain my inheritance.

    Angelica
    Never mind that. My fortune is large enough for two.

    Valentine
    I must have it, or I will never marry you.

    Angelica
    If you talk like this we shall quarrel.

    Valentine
    A man has his honor.

    Angelica
    Damn your honor. I will marry you immediately or not at all.

    Valentine
    We must wait. I have a plan.

    Angelica
    Never mind your plans. I will have you now.

    Valentine
    Be patient.

    Angelica
    No. If I must be patient, I take it back.

    Valentine
    But, Angelica—

    Angelica
    No.

    Valentine (furious)
    Be it so.

    (Valentine stalks off.)

    Angelica
    Foolish man. I will never marry him.

    (Enter Sir Sampson, Prue, and Mrs. Frail.)

    Sir Sampson
    What, is Valentine sneaked off and would not wait to see his brother? There's an unnatural whelp—there's an unnatural dog. What, you here, too, madame, and could not keep him? Madame, he is not worth your consideration.

    Angelica (controlling herself and engaging in duplicity)
    I'm pretty even with him, Sir Sampson, for if ever I could have liked anything about him, it would have been his money, but since that's gone, the bait's off and the naked hook appears.

    Sir Sampson
    Well said; you are a wiser woman than I thought you; most young women nowadays are to be tempted with a naked hook.

    Angelica (coyly)
    I'm for money with any man or for any man with money. I declare I had rather have you than your son.

    Sir Sampson
    Is that so? I'm glad to hear you say so. I was afraid you were in love with the reprobate and would marry him without a penny.

    Angelica
    Never! (suppressing tears)

    Sir Sampson (to himself)
    Wouldn't that be revenge, hey? Marry her myself. I'll think on it.

    (Enter Ben.)

    Ben
    Where's Father?

    Sampson
    Son, Ben! Bless the dear boy. You are heartily welcome.

    Ben
    Thank you, Father. I'm glad to see you again.

    Sir Sampson
    Kiss me, dear boy.

    Ben (freeing himself)
    Enough, Father, I'd rather kiss these gentlewomen.

    Sir Sampson
    And so you shall. Angelica, my son, Ben.

    Ben (kissing Angelica)
    If you please. Nay, ma'am, I'm not dropping anchor here. (kissing Frail) About ship, and you too, little cock boat.

    Prue
    Foh.

    Angelica
    Welcome ashore.

    Ben
    Thank you. Well, Father, how do all at home? How does Brother Dick and Brother Val?

    Sir Sampson
    Dick? Dick has been dead these two years. I wrote you when you were at Gibraltar.

    Ben
    That's true, I had forgotten. No wonder he didn't write. I have many questions to ask you.

    Sir Sampson
    I intend you shall marry, Ben.

    Ben
    I have no mind to marry. It's a dangerous voyage, d'ye see.

    Mrs. Frail
    That would be a pity, such a handsome young gentleman. (aside) And like to be so rich. Why should that little chit (indicating Prue) have him?

    Ben
    Handsome! (laughing) If you be for joking, I'll joke with you.

    Sir Sampson
    Ben's a wag.

    Ben
    A man that is married is chained to an oar all his life, and mayhap forced to tug a leaky vessel into the bargain.

    Sir Sampson (a little embarrassed)
    Ben's a wag—only he wants a little polishing.

    Mrs. Frail
    Say you so? Not at all, I like his humor. I should like such humor in a husband extremely—

    Ben
    And I should like such a handsome wench for a bedfellow; how say you, mistress, would you like to be going to sea? You're a tight vessel and well rigged—were you but as well manned.

    Angelica
    I swear Mr. Benjamin is an absolute sea-wit.

    Sir Sampson (growing more uncomfortable)
    Ben has parts, but as I said before, they want a little polishing: you must not take anything ill, madame.

    Mrs. Frail
    I'm not offended. But you should leave him alone with his mistress. (whispering to Ben) I should not doubt that I would be well manned if you were master of me.

    Sir Sampson
    You're right. Look you, Ben, this lady (presenting Prue) is to be your wife. Come, Miss, you must not be shamefaced. We'll leave you together.

    Prue
    I can't abide to be left alone. May my cousin stay with me?

    Sir Sampson
    No, no. Let's leave them.

    Ben
    Father, perhaps the young woman mayn't take a liking to me.

    Sir Sampson
    Don't worry. Come, we'll be gone.

    (Enter Foresight as Sir Sampson, Mrs. Frail and Angelica are leaving.)

    Foresight
    What, is he come? Are they together?

    Sir Sampson
    Yes, yes. What if he should not stop to say grace, old Foresight; but fall to without the help of a parson, ha? Odd, I could not be angry with him. It would but be like me. Ha, thou art melancholic old prognosticator. Come, come, cheer up, Old Stargazer.

    Foresight (serious)
    We'll have the wedding tomorrow morning.

    Sir Sampson
    With all my heart.

    Foresight
    At ten o'clock, punctually at ten.

    Sir Sampson
    To a minute, to a second. They shall be married to a minute, go to bed a minute, and—

    Mrs. Frail
    Manners!

    (They go out, Sir Sampson apologizing.)

    Ben
    Come, Miss, will you please to sit down? I'll hand you a chair.

    (Prue shakes her head.)

    Ben
    If you stand astern like that, we shall never grapple together.

    (Prue reluctantly sits.)

    Ben
    There. I'll sit near you.

    Prue (moving her chair back as he moves forward)
    I can hear you farther off; I ain't deaf.

    Ben
    I'll heave off to please you. (moves farther off) Look you, Miss, I am bound for the land of matrimony, a voyage that was none of my seeking, and mayhap, I may steer into your harbor.

    Prue
    Don't talk bawdy to me!

    Ben
    The short of the thing is, that if you like me, and I like you, we may chance to swing in a hammock together.

    Prue
    I don't know what to say to you, and I don't care to speak to you at all.

    Ben
    No? I'm sorry for that. But, why are you so scornful?

    Prue
    As long as one must not speak one's mind, one had best not speak at all, I think, and truly, I won't tell a lie, for that matter.

    Ben
    True. That's to look one way and now another. I'm not for keeping anything under hatches, so, if you be not willing, there's no harm done. Perhaps you're shamefaced; some maidens, though they love a man well enough, yet they won't tell him so to his face. If that's the case, silence gives consent.

    Prue
    I'll speak sooner than you should believe that, and though one should always lie to a man, I'll speak the truth; I don't care—let my father do what he will; I'm too big to be whipped. So, I'll tell you plainly, I don't like you, nor love you at all, nor ever will. So there's your answer for you—and don't trouble me no more, you ugly thing!

    Ben (angrily)
    Look you, you woman—I spoke you fair, d'ye see, and civil—as for your love and your liking, I don't value it more than a rope's end—in fact I like you as little as you do me. I tell you one thing, if you should give such words at sea, you'd have a cat o nine tails laid across your shoulders. Fleah! Who are you? You heard the other handsome woman speak civilly to me—whatever you think of yourself, God, I don't compare you to her more than a bottle of beer to a bottle of Port wine.

    Prue
    Well, and there's a handsome gentleman, and a fine gentleman, and a sweet gentleman that loves me, and I love him—and if he sees you speak to me any more, he'll thrash your jacket for you, he will, you great sea-calf.

    Ben
    He'll eat salt for his supper for all that. What does Father mean to leave me alone as soon as I come home with such a dowdy? Sea-calf! I ain't calf enough to lick your painted face—you cheese curd you! Marry you! Oons, I'll sooner marry a Lapland witch!

    Prue
    I won't be called names, nor I won't be abused—no, I won't. If I were a man (bursting into tears) you durst not talk this way to me—no you durst not, you stinking tar barrel.

    Ben
    Tar barrel? Oons, let your pet fop say that to me!

    Lady Foresight (entering)
    Bless me, what's the matter? What does she cry for? Mr. Benjamin, what have you done to her?

    Ben
    Let her cry. The more she cries, the less she'll—she's been gathering foul weather in her mouth, and now it rains out at her eyes.

    Lady Foresight
    Come, Miss, come along with me, and tell me what the brute did, poor child.

    Prue
    Oh, Mother—I mean Laetitia—it was so awful—


    Scene II. The same, early evening.

    (Enter Ben and Mrs. Frail, whispering.)

    Ben
    Father has nothing to do with me; why not tell him?

    Mrs. Frail
    My dear, we must keep it secret until your father settles the estate on you. He's a very passionate old man and very vengeful when thwarted. But you'll break my heart if you forsake me after all.

    Ben
    Break your heart! Why, I'd rather scuttle my ship. You don't think a sailor is false like a landsman?

    Mrs. Frail
    Will you always love me?

    Ben
    Once I love, I stick like pitch.

    (They go out, still whispering. Enter Valentine and Scandal in close conversation.)

    Valentine
    Do allow Tattle to be a wit that you may see a fool.

    Scandal
    That's hard. What would you bring me to?

    Valentine
    I have noise and merriment to keep Lady Foresight's head from working. Hell is not more busy than her brain, nor contains more devils.

    Scandal
    I thought your fear of her had been over. She has failed in her project to make Foresight prevent Angelica from marrying you.

    Valentine
    True. Thanks to Angelica's willfulness. But she will try again unless diverted. None but you and Maskwell are acquainted with her passion for me. Ever since I first refused her, she has never given over trying to ruin me with Foresight, yet she had managed things so subtly that they have born the face of kindness.

    Scandal
    Exquisite woman! Does she think you have no more sense than to ruin yourself with Angelica by sleeping with her aunt?

    Valentine
    Lord knows what her idea is. Jack Maskwell has promised me to watch her closely.

    Scandal
    So you have manned your guard posts—but I hope you have not set your weakest guard where the enemy is strongest.

    Valentine
    You suspect Maskwell?

    Scandal
    I cannot help it. I am a little superstitious about faces like that.

    Valentine
    He owes me a great deal. It is through me that he gained the position of Foresight's secretary. Foresight is very close to him.

    Scandal
    With Lady Foresight you mean?

    Valentine
    Lady Foresight!

    Scandal
    There is some secret between them you do not suspect—notwithstanding her passion for you.

    Valentine
    Pooh! Nothing in the world but his design to help me. He endeavors to be high in her esteem that he may assist me.

    Scandal
    I shall be glad to be mistaken. But Lady Foresight is handsome, cunning and naturally wanton. Maskwell is flesh and blood. Faith, I've a taste for her myself.

    Valentine
    I mean you shall indulge it. Make love to her.

    Scandal
    With all my heart. Only a man of my refined tastes can truly appreciate a woman like Lady Foresight. I'll to her immediately.

    Valentine
    You will oblige me immensely. Keep her busy.

    Scandal
    I'll go now.

    (Exit Scandal.)

    Valentine
    Godspeed.

    (Enter Maskwell.)

    Maskwell
    What will the wickedness of this world come to?

    Valentine
    How now, Jack? What so full of contemplation that you run over?

    Maskwell
    I'm glad you're come. I've just left Lady Foresight.

    Valentine
    And having trusted you with her secrets you are villainously bent on discovering them all to me, ha?

    Maskwell
    I'm afraid my weakness leans that way. But I don't know whether, in honor, I can discover them all.

    Valentine
    No tragic design upon my person, I hope?

    Maskwell
    No, a comical design upon mine!

    Valentine
    I'm struck mute. Explain.

    Maskwell
    We have been bargaining about the rate of your ruin—and whereas pleasure is generally paid with mischief, what mischief I do is to be paid with pleasure. In short, the price of your ruin is to be paid with the person of—

    Valentine
    Of Angelica. You forgot you told me before.

    Maskwell
    No, no—as an earnest of that bargain, I am to have full and fair possession of the person of Lady Foresight.

    Valentine
    Foh! You jest.

    Maskwell
    By this light, I am serious. Tomorrow evening at eight she will receive me in her chamber.

    Valentine
    Why, the woman is possessed!

    Maskwell
    Well, will you go in my stead?

    Valentine
    Into a hot furnace sooner!

    Maskwell
    I suspect she'll prove hot enough. But it would be more to our purpose for you to go, than for me.

    Valentine
    What d'ye mean?

    Maskwell
    Mean! Not to disappoint the lady, surely.

    Valentine
    But—

    Maskwell
    She will be in your power if you go. But someone comes and I dare not stay. We will talk of this later.

    (Exit Maskwell and enter Scandal.)

    Scandal
    Valentine, get out of the way. My Lady Foresight is coming, and I shall never succeed; but I made love a great while to no purpose.

    Valentine
    Why, what's the matter? She's convinced I don't love her.

    Scandal
    I can't get an answer from her that does not begin with her honor, or her virtue, or her religion or some such cant. Then, she has told me the whole history of Foresight's years of courtship.

    Valentine
    Did she not tell you at what a distance she keeps him? He has confessed to me, that but at certain times—that is, I suppose, when she thinks one of her lovers has made her pregnant—Foresight never has the privilege of a husband. I wonder he has not told you his grievances.

    Scandal
    Excessively foolish. But that which gives me most hopes of her is her telling me of the many temptations she has resisted.

    Valentine
    Now then you have her. Bragging to a man of temptations overcome is a woman's way of challenging a man to engage her more to the purpose. Here comes Foresight. I'm going.

    (Exit Valentine. Enter Foresight.)

    Foresight
    Ah, Mr. Scandal, there you are. My wife was looking for you.

    Scandal
    You are blessed with such a fine lady, sir.

    Foresight
    Quite so. Quite so. I tell you, Mr. Scandal, if it were not for one thing I would think myself the happiest man in the world.

    Scandal
    What can that be, sir?

    Foresight
    It is a grief to me that I have no son.

    Scandal
    That might easily be remedied. Lady Foresight is a fine buxom woman—

    Foresight
    Indeed she is, Mr. Scandal.

    Scandal
    And I should not take you to be so old—

    Foresight
    No, no. That's not it. No, no. That's not it.

    Scandal
    No? Then, what can the matter be?

    Foresight
    You'll scarcely believe me when I tell you. My lady is so nice—so nice—that I don't believe she would touch a man for the world—at least above once or twice a year.

    Scandal
    That is a lamentable story. My lady must be told of it. This is an injury to mankind and all posterity—

    Foresight
    Would to heaven you would, Mr. Scandal. You are mightily in her favor.

    Scandal
    We must have a son some way or other. I'll look to it.

    Foresight
    I shall be mightily indebted to you if you can inflict it.

    Scandal
    I shall get you a whole bevy of brats. Leave that to me.

    (Enter Lady Foresight.)

    Foresight
    Wife, wife—my Lady Foresight.

    Lady Foresight (busy with a letter)
    I'm busy. Truly, I wonder at your behaviour to me in company.

    Scandal
    Madame, if your ladyship pleases, I would talk with you privately.

    Foresight
    I wish you good success. I wish you good success.

    Scandal
    You are too kind, Mr. Foresight.

    Lady Foresight
    Husband, will you go for a nap? It's past noon. Mr. Scandal, your servant.

    Scandal
    You keep to a schedule, madame.

    Foresight
    My dear, lend me your looking-glass.

    Scandal
    Lend it to him, madame. (Lady Foresight gives her husband the looking- glass) My passion for you is grown so violent that I am no longer master of myself.

    Lady Foresight
    Was there ever such impudence, to make love to me before my husband's face? (aside) I like this mightily. (aloud) I swear I'll tell him.

    Scandal
    Do. I'll die a martyr to my love for you. But come a little farther this way, and I'll tell you how we may get him out of the way.

    (Scandal and Lady Foresight move off and whisper.)

    Foresight
    To her, Mr. Scandal, to her! Hmm, I'm a little pale.

    Lady Foresight
    Are you all right, husband?

    Foresight
    Hmm, I'm a little pale and my pulse is racing. (aside) I hope Mr. Scandal is doing his bit as he promised. Perhaps tonight. I feel a throbbing in my head just thinking about the joy of it.

    Scandal
    Your lady says your sleep has been unquiet of late.

    Foresight
    Very likely. Oh, my pulse is galloping.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, mighty restless, but I was afraid to tell him so. He has been subject to talking and starting.

    Scandal
    And did not used to be so?

    Lady Foresight
    Never, never, till the last three nights; I cannot say that he as once broken my rest since we have been married.

    Foresight
    I will take a nap. (aside) And have such dreams. Such lascivious dreams. To her, Mr. Scandal. To her.

    Scandal
    Do so, Mr. Foresight, and say your prayers. They may be blessed with fruition. You look better than you did.

    Foresight
    Do you think so?

    Scandal
    Yes, yes. It will be over in a short while. If you go to bed now (aside to Foresight) I believe I shall do your business for you with your lady.

    Foresight
    I hope so. (fervently) I hope so. (aside) Egad, I am faint and my pulse is racing with expectation. If only the Moon holds, and Venus is in conjunction—then it may go well.

    Scandal
    I hope Mars and Venus will be in conjunction while your wife and I are together.

    (Exit Foresight.)

    Lady Foresight
    Well, and what use do you hope to make of this business? You don't think you are ever likely to succeed in your design upon me?

    Scandal
    Faith, I do; I have a better opinion of you and myself than to despair.

    Lady Foresight
    Did you ever hear such a toad? Harkee, devil, do you think any woman honest?

    Scandal
    Yes, several very honest; they'll cheat at cards sometimes, but that's nothing.

    Lady Foresight
    Pshaw, but virtuous!

    Scandal
    There are some fools in the world; but most are ugly. You are too pretty to suffer from such a defect in character.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, monstrous! What of conscience and honor?

    Scandal
    Why, as for honor, you have secured that by marrying the noble Foresight, thus creating a perpetual opportunity for pleasure.

    Lady Foresight
    An opportunity for pleasure!

    Scandal
    Yes, a husband. That takes care of honor. I shall take care of conscience.

    Lady Foresight
    So, you think we are free to do as we please?

    Scandal
    I love to speak my mind.

    Lady Foresight
    Why, then, I'll speak my mind. As to this affair between you and me, I'll confess it does not displease me. Your person is well enough.

    Scandal
    I have no great opinion of myself, but I'm neither ugly nor a fool.

    Lady Foresight
    But you have a villainous character; you are a libertine in speech as well as practice.

    Scandal
    He that cries stop thief, is often the very thief himself.

    Lady Foresight
    It is more dangerous to talk of love to you than to grant another man the last favor.

    Scandal
    Do not believe it. The liberty I take with others never concerns myself. I am a juggler.

    Lady Foresight
    But such a universal juggler

    Scandal
    Faith, I'm sound.

    Lady Foresight
    I'll swear you're impudent.

    Scandal
    I'll swear you're handsome.

    Lady Foresight
    Pish, you'd tell me so, though you didn't believe it.

    Scandal
    And you'd think so, though I did not tell you so. And now, I think we know each other pretty well.

    Lady Foresight
    You had best go to bed and dream, too. Like my husband.

    Scandal
    Faith, I have a good, lively imagination and can dream much to the purpose if I set about it.

    Lady Foresight
    I swear, Mr. Scandal, you are very alluring and say many fine things. With blushes I must own it, you have shaken, as I may say, the very foundation of my honor.

    Scandal (aside)
    Egad, I'll endeavor to make it shake indeed, madame. (aloud) You do me an injury—

    Lady Foresight
    If I escape your blandishments, I shall be proud as long as I live.

    Scandal (aside)
    What care I how you value yourself? (aloud) And despise me.

    Lady Foresight
    Never. Gratitude forbid.

    Scandal
    Your charming tongue pursues the victory of your eyes—while at your feet, your poor adorer dies—

    Lady Foresight
    I am not safe if I stay here to hear this—

    Scandal
    Oh, do not go. Why are you so bewitching? (aside) She'd best snap soon. I'm almost at the end of my cant.

    Lady Foresight
    I protest you have given me a palpitation of the heart.

    Scandal
    I can't outlive this night without your favor.

    Lady Foresight
    Sir, you have conquered. What marble heart could fail to yield? I dare swear every circumstance of me trembles. I surrender myself to your uncontrollable embraces.

    CURTAIN


    ACT IV


    Scene I. Same as Act I, the next morning.

    (Foresight, Lady Foresight and Sir Sampson are talking. Enter Scandal.)

    Scandal
    Bad news, bad news.

    Sir Sampson
    What's the matter?

    Scandal
    Undoubtedly, Mr. Foresight knew all this and might have prevented it.

    Foresight
    'Tis no earthquake! I only prevent earthquakes.

    Scandal
    No, no.

    Sir Sampson
    Why, body o me, out with it.

    Scandal
    Your son, Valentine, has been taken very ill. It's his wits. He speaks little, yet says he has a world to say. He says he has secrets to impart. I suppose to you, Mr. Foresight, and to you, Sir Sampson, for he calls you both. I can get nothing out of him. He desires to see you today, but would not be disturbed at present because he has some business in a dream.

    Sir Sampson
    Hoity-toity, what have I to do with his dreams? Body of me, this is a trick to get out of his contract. His solemn contract. No doubt the devil will tell him in a dream not to part with his inheritance. But I'll bring a parson to tell him the devil's a liar. If that won't do, I'll bring a lawyer that shall out-lie the devil.

    Scandal
    He's stark mad.

    Sir Sampson
    Mad. Some say from the barbarous usage he has received at your hands, and at the hands of his mistress, Angelica.

    Foresight
    What, is he non compos mentis?

    Scandal
    Quite non compos, sir.

    Foresight
    Why, then all's obliterated, Sir Sampson. If he's non compos mentis his act and deed will be of no effect. It's no good in law. I told you to consult me as to the time; I saw madness in his face.

    Sir Sampson
    Oons, I won't believe it; let me see him, sir. Mad. I'll make him find his senses.

    Foresight
    Saw it in his face.

    Sir Sampson
    Damn your predictions!

    Foresight (offended)
    The marriage is off. Your son is no match for my daughter. I'm a lawyer, and I'll tell you—the only ones who make anything out of a lawsuit are the lawyers. Besides, I won't force my girl; Prue wanted none of Mr. Benjamin anyway.

    Sir Sampson
    I shall run mad myself.

    (Exit Sir Sampson in a fury.)

    Foresight
    Wherein was I mistaken, not to have foreseen this?

    Scandal (to Lady Foresight)
    Madame, you and I can tell him something else that he did not foresee.

    Lady Foresight
    What do you mean? I don't understand you.

    Scandal
    Hush—the pleasures of last night, my dear, too considerable to be forgot so soon.

    Lady Foresight
    Last night! Last night was the same as the night before, I think.

    Scandal
    S'death, do you make no difference between me and your husband?

    Lady Foresight
    Not much—he's superstitious and you are mad.

    Scandal
    You make me mad. You are not serious. Pray recollect yourself.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, yes. Now, I remember. You were very impertinent and impudent—and would have come to bed with me?

    Scandal
    And did not?

    Lady Foresight
    Did not? With what face can you ask that question?

    Scandal
    This I have heard before, but never quite believed. The world says you can quite forget the man you have lain with all night—and deny favors done with more impudence than you can grant them.

    Lady Foresight
    It's a damned lying world.

    Scandal
    Madame, I'm your humble servant and honor you.

    Foresight (to himself)
    It's a great consolation to have a particular friend like Mr. Scandal. He's still trying to move my wife. Would that he might succeed. She's so nice. So very nice.

    Scandal
    You look pretty well, Mr. Foresight. How did you rest last night?

    Foresight
    Truly, Mr. Scandal, I was so—so moved last night—with—with dreams and—visions—that I remember little.

    Scandal
    'Twas a very forgetting night.

    Foresight (aside to Scandal)
    I thank you for your endeavors.

    Scandal
    The pleasure was all mine. I doubt not but she'll be persuaded and you'll be a father of a bouncing boy. (aside) She may choose to forget—but I forgot to take precautions and, dame me, I've made more bastards than any three gallants in this town.

    Foresight
    Will you be pleased to try again?

    Scandal
    Faith, no. I've shot my bolt. If I did not succeed, I have no taste to do it over.

    (Enter Lord Froth.)

    Lord Froth
    Where is all the company?

    Foresight
    The company? I don't know but everything is topsy-turvy.

    Lord Froth
    What's the matter? Where's my wife?

    Foresight
    All turned topsy-turvy, sure as a gun.

    Lord Froth
    How do you mean? My wife?

    Foresight
    The strangest posture of affairs.

    Lord Froth
    What, my wife?

    Foresight
    No, no. I mean the family. Your lady's affairs may be in a very good posture. I saw her go in the garden—down by the bushes with Mr. Tattle.

    Lord Froth
    In the bushes with Mr. Tattle? How, where, what to do?

    Foresight
    I suppose they had been laying their heads together.

    Lord Froth
    How?

    Foresight
    About poetry, I suppose; making couplets.

    Lady Foresight
    Oh, here they come now.

    (Enter Lady Froth and Mr. Tattle.)

    Tattle
    My Lord, your humble servant. The finest day—

    Lady Froth
    My dear, Mr. Tattle and I have been star gazing, I don't know how long.

    Foresight
    Does it not tire your ladyship? Are you not weary of looking up?

    Lady Froth
    Oh, no. I love it violently—my dear, you're melancholy.

    Lord Froth
    No, my dear, I'm just awake.

    Lady Froth
    Sniff some of my hartshorn.

    Lord Froth
    I've some of my own, thank you, my dear.

    Lady Froth
    Well, Mr. Tattle, you understand astronomy like an almanac. Like a Greek.

    Tattle
    Not comparably to your ladyship.

    Lady Froth
    Shall you and I make an almanac together?

    Tattle
    With all my heart.

    (Exit Lady Froth and Tattle followed by a suspicious Lord Froth. Enter Angelica in excitement.)

    Angelica (agitated)
    What's the matter with Valentine? I have heard he's ill.

    Scandal
    No strange matter, madame; he's mad, that's all.

    Lady Foresight
    I suppose you have thought him so a great while?

    Angelica
    All women think their lovers mad. Their love is certain proof if it. (troubled) How d'ye mean mad?

    Scandal
    Why, faith, madame, he's mad for want of his wits. His head is as light as his pockets.

    Angelica
    If you speak the truth, your endeavoring at wit is very unseasonable.

    Scandal
    I had no idea his affliction would trouble you.

    Angelica
    You can't think me guilty of so much inhumanity as not to be concerned for a man I must own myself obliged to. May I see him?

    Scandal
    I'm afraid his physician is not willing you should see him yet.

    Angelica
    As you are his friend, I beseech you—

    Scandal
    Be not too much concerned, madame. I hope his condition is not desperate: an acknowledgement of love from you, perhaps, would work a cure.

    Angelica (aside)
    Is that how the land lies? (aloud) Acknowledgement of love! You mistake my compassion for a weakness I am a stranger to. If he can't be cured without my sucking the poison from the wound, I'm afraid he won't recover his senses until I lose mine.

    Scandal
    Won't you see him, then, if he desires it?

    Angelica
    What signifies a madman's desires? Besides, 'twould make me uneasy. If I don't see him, my concern for him will lessen. If I forget him, it's no more than he has done by himself.

    Scandal
    You were confessing just now an obligation to his love.

    Angelica
    But passions are unreasonable and involuntary; if he loves and it drives him mad, he can't help it—help it any more than I can help my want of inclination to stay here any longer.

    (Angelica flounces out.)

    Scandal (shaking his head)
    An admirable composition, this same womankind.

    Foresight
    What, is she gone?

    Scandal
    Why, she was never here nor anywhere else; and I don't know her if I see her, nor do you.

    Lady Foresight
    This is some trick of Valentine's. Angelica sees it, too. Go forward with the marriage.

    Foresight
    No, the marriage is definitely off. Prue doesn't like Mr. Ben and I won't force her.


    Scene II. The scene changes to Valentine's room. He lies disheveled on a couch.

    (Enter Angelica, escorted by Scandal.)

    Angelica
    Do you know me, Valentine?

    Valentine (starting up)
    Oh, very well.

    Angelica
    Who am I?

    Valentine
    You are woman. The reflection of heaven in a pond—he that leaps in you is—sunk. I know you; for I loved a woman—and I loved her so long that I found out what a woman is good for.

    Angelica
    What's that?

    Valentine
    Why, to keep a secret.

    Angelica
    Oh, Lord, stark mad.

    Valentine
    Oh, exceedingly good to keep a secret: for though she should tell, yet she is not to be believed.

    Scandal
    I'll leave you together.

    Angelica
    Oh, heavens, you won't leave me alone with a madman?

    Scandal
    No, madame, I only leave a madman to his remedy.

    Valentine
    Madame, you need not be very much afraid, for I fancy I begin to come to myself.

    (Exit Scandal.)

    Angelica (aside)
    I'll be hanged if I don't make you stark mad in good earnest before I'm through.

    Valentine
    You see what love brings us to. Now let us understand one another.

    Angelica
    Heaven knows I pity you. Could I have foreseen the effects, I would have tried to love you, but it's too late.

    Valentine
    What's too late? I am not mad.

    Angelica (aside)
    You shall be. (aloud) Is it a trick then?

    Valentine
    Yes, to deceive my father.

    Angelica
    And I thought your love to me had caused this delirium. (sadly) How disappointing. I nearly came to love you.

    Valentine
    Nearly! Oh, barbarous!

    (Scandal returns.)

    Angelica
    So, you did this not for love, but only for mercenary ends?

    Valentine
    Now you do me wrong.

    Angelica
    Perhaps you thought me mercenary. But how am I deluded by this interval of sense to reason with a madman.

    Valentine
    I am not mad.

    Angelica
    Oh, here's a reasonable creature. Scandal, acknowledge the trick; confess the madness is counterfeit.

    Scandal
    Counterfeit, Madame? I'll maintain him to be as absolutely and substantially mad as any Chemist, Lover or Poet in Europe.

    Valentine
    S'death, you lie. I am not mad.

    Angelica
    Ha, ha, ha, you see, he denies it.

    Scandal
    Did you ever know a madman who didn't?

    Valentine
    'Tis time to stop the jest.

    Scandal
    Why, yes, he has intervals. But see how wild he looks now.

    Valentine
    This farce is done. I will be mad no longer.

    Angelica
    Ha, ha, ha. Is he mad or not?

    Scandal
    Certainly, for he does not know his own mind for two minutes. Sir, your father is below and asks for you. That's why I returned. Will you be mad or not?

    Valentine
    Mad, of course. I will be mad to everybody but this lady.

    Scandal
    Just so. Shall I permit him to come up?

    Valentine
    Let him wait.

    Angelica
    Oh, by no means. I'm going.

    Valentine
    Will you leave me in this uncertainty?

    Angelica
    Would anyone but a madman complain of uncertainty? Uncertainty and Expectation are the joys of life. Security is a dull, insipid thing. I am not the fool you take me for; and you are mad and don't know it. Adieu.

    (Angelica exits.)

    Valentine
    From a riddle you can expect nothing but a riddle.

    Scandal
    I hear your father's step. Back to your couch.

    (Valentine leaps to the couch and disarranges his hair, looks wild.)

    Valentine
    Ha, what's that?

    (Enter Sir Sampson, somewhat timidly for him.)

    Scandal
    For heaven's sake, softly and gently; don't provoke him.

    Valentine
    Answer me; who is that?

    Sir Sampson
    Egad, does he not know me? I'll speak gently. Val, Val—do you know me, boy? What, not know your own father?

    Valentine
    It may be so. I had a father once. I did not know you—the world is full—there are people that we know and people that we don't know; and—and yet (softly) the sun shines on all alike. There are fathers that have many children, and children that have many fathers—strange —BUT I AM TRUTH AND COME TO GIVE THE WORLD THE LIE!

    Sir Sampson
    This is strange.

    Valentine
    Why do you wear black? Do you wear your conscience on your outside? Do you know me?

    Sir Sampson
    Yes.

    Valentine
    You lie, for I am truth. But, I'll tell you one thing; it's a question that would puzzle a mathematician—whether the Bible saves more souls in Westminster Abbey or damages more souls in Westminster Hall? For my part, I am truth and cannot tell. I have very few acquaintances.

    Sir Sampson
    He's babbling—does he have intervals?

    Scandal
    Very few.

    Valentine
    'Tis well. What o'clock is it? My father here? Your blessing, sir.

    Sir Sampson
    Bless thee, Val. How are you, boy?

    Valentine (jubilant)
    Pretty well, sir. Won't you please sit down?

    Sir Sampson
    I will. Come, boy, you shall sit down by me.

    Valentine
    That were disrespectful.

    Sir Sampson
    No, no. Come, sit thee down. Let me feel your pulse. Pretty well. I'm glad you are better, honest Val.

    Valentine
    Thank you, Dad.

    Sir Sampson
    Your hand does not shake. I believe you can write, Val, ha, boy? Can you write your name, Val? Come, show your father what you can do.

    (Valentine doesn't respond.)

    Sir Sampson
    Do you know this paper, Val? (showing a paper, but holding it beyond Valentine's reach)

    Valentine
    I can't tell. Let me see.

    Sir Sampson
    See it, boy? Why, you see it there. It's your own hand. Let me see, I can read it as plain as can be. Look you here: (reading) “The condition of this obligation—” And then, at the bottom: “As witness my hand, Valentine Plyant: in great letters. Why it's as plain as can be. I believe I can read it farther off yet.

    (Sir Sampson stretches his arm out as long as he can.)

    Valentine
    May I hold it, sir?

    Sir Sampson
    Hold it? Why, with all my heart? But, what need anybody to hold it? I'll put it in my pocket and then nobody need hold it. There Val, safe enough.

    Valentine
    What? Who are you?

    Sir Sampson
    Eh, don't you know me?

    Valentine
    Is my bad genius here again? No, it is a devil with an itching palm; and he's come to be scratched. My nails are not long enough. Let me have a pair of red hot tongs, then you shall see me lead the devil by the nose.

    Sir Sampson
    Lord, Lord. I'll not venture myself with a madman.

    Valentine
    Who's that talks out of his way? I am truth and can set him right. Harkee, friend, the straight road is the worst you can go. He that follows his nose, often will be led to a stink.

    Sir Sampson
    What the devil had I to do, ever to beget sons? Why did I ever marry?

    Valentine
    Because you were a monster, old boy. The two greatest monsters in the world are a man and a woman. What's thy opinion?

    Sir Sampson
    Why, my opinion is that these two joined together make yet a greater— a man and his wife.

    Valentine
    Ha, old true penny, do you say so? But, it's wonderful strange.

    Sir Sampson
    What is?

    Valentine
    That grey hairs should cover a green head and I make a fool of my father.

    (Enter Foresight.)

    Foresight
    What does he say? Has he uttered any prophecies or oracles?

    Sir Sampson
    A pox on your prognostications. Oons, that you could not foresee that the moon would predominate and my son run mad.

    Foresight
    But, I did, Brother, I did. Did I not say I saw madness in his face?

    (Exit Sir Sampson in a rage.)

    Sir Sampson
    You're a fool; he's a fool; we're all fools.

    Foresight
    It's really a pity that man is so ignorant.


    Scene III. Same as Act I.

    (Enter Benjamin and Mrs. Frail.)

    Ben
    All mad, I think—all the monsters of the deep are come ashore.

    Mrs. Frail
    Mr. Benjamin in a rage?

    Ben
    No, I'm pleased well enough now I have found you. I have weathered such a hurricane on your account.

    Mrs. Frail
    My account, what's the matter?

    Ben
    Why, Father found me squabbling with that chitty-faced thing he would have me marry. I told him in plain terms if I were minded to marry, I'd marry to please myself—not him. As to the young woman he provided for me, I think it more fitting she should be learning her copy book and making dirt pies than looking for a husband. I have another voyage to make.

    Mrs. Frail
    Do you intend to go to sea again?

    Ben.
    No, no—my mind runs on you—but I did not tell him so much. Then he told me the match was off anyway because brother Val is gone mad. I was sorry to hear Val is sick o the head, but it's an ill wind that blows no one any good, as the saying is.

    Mrs. Frail
    Then why are you so upset?

    Ben
    Because now Father will have me marry that flighty thing Angelica.

    Mrs. Frail
    Angelica?

    Ben
    She's a fine woman, but she flies too high for this poor sailor. I would not be led around by the nose like my brother Val. I told him I would not venture in that direction.

    Mrs. Frail
    Why, what happened then?

    Ben
    He became more angry than a Northwester. He said he'd marry her himself if I didn't.

    Mrs. Frail
    Sir Sampson marry Angelica?

    Ben
    I told him if he played the fool and married at these years there was more danger of his head aching than my heart. He hadn't a word to say but that he'd disinherit me if I didn't pay my addresses to Angelica.

    Mrs. Frail
    Well then, you must obey him.

    Ben
    Obey him? I want to marry you. Sure, you're mad, too.

    Mrs. Frail
    If you want to marry me, you must learn to do as I say—and in this case, obey your father.

    Ben
    I can't see why.

    Mrs. Frail
    Let me manage this. Have no fear, Angelica will reject you. She loves Valentine.

    Ben
    He's welcome to that one. But, around that woman—I—I'm tongue-tied, as it were—

    Mrs. Frail
    So much the better, you're sure to fail and that insures success.

    Ben
    Eh?

    (Enter Angelica, reading a book.)

    Mrs. Frail
    Oh, Ben. You are come at a critical moment. Here's Angelica. Pursue your point, now or never.

    Ben.
    I would gladly have been encouraged with a bottle or two—

    Mrs. Frail
    Foh, a drunken lover. There's no time for that.

    Ben
    But, I shall break my mind—that is, upon further acquaintance. (approaching Angelica, who continues reading) So, for the present, I'll take my leave. (Ben retreats) You'll make my excuse.

    Mrs. Frail
    What? You must not be daunted.

    Ben
    Daunted. No, no. If I set on it, I'll do it. But, for the present— till further acquaintance— (leaving)

    Mrs. Frail
    You'll never lose such a favorable opportunity if I can help it. I'll leave you together and lock the door.

    (Exit Mrs. Frail, locking the door.)

    Ben
    No, no. I've forgotten my gloves. (desperate) What d'ye do? Mrs. Frail, open the door. What a trick this is! Now she has seen me. (to Angelica, who ignores him) I made bold to pass through. (struggling with the door) I think this door's enchanted.

    Angelica (declaiming)
    Spare me, gentle boy, Press me no more For that slight toy—

    Ben
    Eh. Cousin, your servant.

    Angelica
    Mr. Benjamin

    Ben
    No offense, I hope.

    Angelica
    Have you any business with me?

    Ben
    Not at present. I made bold to come and see if you were disposed to walk this evening?

    Angelica
    A walk? What then?

    Ben
    Nothing—only for the walk's sake.

    Angelica
    I nauseate walking. It's a country diversion. I loathe the country.

    Ben
    Do you? Well, perhaps a play?

    Angelica
    I hate the town, too.

    Ben
    Hate them both. 'Tis like you may.

    Angelica
    Ha, ha, ha. Yes, 'tis like I may. You have nothing more to say to me?

    Ben
    Not at present.

    Angelica
    I have a little business, if you will excuse me.

    Ben
    When you are deposed, when you are deposed. Now's as well as another time; another time's as well as now. There's no haste. It will keep cold as they say. Cousin, your servant. I think this door is locked.

    Angelica
    You may go this way.

    (Angelica points to another door and Ben dashes for it.)

    Ben
    By your leave.

    Angelica
    Ha, ha, ha.

    (Angelica waits, then follows Ben out. After a pause, Lord Froth and Tattle enter.)

    Tattle
    Your Lordship is so merry.

    Froth
    Merry. O barbarous. I'd as soon you called me a fool.

    Tattle
    But your laughter is so becoming.

    Froth
    Ridiculous. I laugh at nobody's jest but my own, or a lady's—I assure you.

    Tattle
    Let me perish. Do I never say anything worthy of laughter?

    Froth
    Don't misapprehend me. I often smile at you. But there is nothing so unfashionable as to laugh—everybody can laugh—even a peasant. Now then, when I laugh, I always laugh alone.

    Tattle
    That's because you laugh at your own jests.

    Froth
    Your raillery provokes me to a smile.

    Tattle (looking in his mirror)
    Deuce take me, I have encouraged a pimple.

    Froth
    Then you must mortify him with a patch. My wife will supply you. I see her coming.

    (Enter Lady Froth.)

    Lady Froth
    Ah, Parnassus. Mr. Tattle, I have the most exquisite simile to show you.

    Tattle
    With all my heart.

    (Lady Froth exits with Mr. Tattle, leaving a vexed Lord Froth by himself.)

    Froth
    Is it come to this?

    (Enter Prue.)

    Prue
    Oh, Lord Froth, I'm glad you are here. I have been looking up and down for you like anything.

    Froth (coldly)
    Indeed, my dear.

    Prue
    Oh, I have wonderful news—wonderful news. I must not marry that sea porpoise, my father says so.

    Froth
    I'm glad you are so happy, child, to lose a husband.

    Prue
    But now I can marry you.

    Froth
    Who told you that, child?

    Prue
    Why you did—you said you loved me.

    Froth
    But that was yesterday, child. I slept a whole night and did not so much as dream of the matter. Besides I'm already married.

    Prue
    But can't you divorce her, or send her away?

    Froth
    No, no. (aside) Though if I did, it would not be for such a chit as this. (aloud) Divorce is too unfashionable. It's only for common people. Fie, you're a woman now and must think of a new man every evening. No, child, you would not have me—

    Prue
    No? But, I would, though—

    Froth
    You forget you're a woman and don't know your down mind. Better run play with your dolls, child.

    (Exit Froth.)

    Prue
    AWW. HOO, HOO, HOO.

    (Prue bawls and falls into a tantrum, jumps up and down, rolls on the floor and beats her heels.

    (Enter Foresight.)

    Foresight
    Mercy on us. What do these lunacies portend? Are you mad, child?

    Prue
    I WANT A HUSBAND.

    Foresight
    You just refused Mr. Benjamin?

    Prue
    I want a husband, not a sea monster. What, must I be a child forever and sleep with nurse? Indeed, I won't. I will have a man someway or other. Oh, when I think about a man, I feel hot and shivery inside— oh—

    Foresight
    This lunacy is catching. Hussy, you shall have the rod.

    Prue
    A fiddle for a rod. The only rod I want is a husband. If you don't get me one, I'll get one for myself. Mr. Maskwell says he loves me, and he's a handsome man.

    Foresight
    Did he so? Rogue. Nurse, Nurse!

    (Enter Nurse.)

    Nurse
    Yes, sir?

    Foresight
    Take Miss to her room and lock her up. And then, tell that villain Maskwell to make ready his accounts. He leaves this house tonight.

    (Nurse exits, wrestling with a screaming Prue.)

    Foresight
    All mad, all mad. Surely the nation is endangered. These portents can signify nothing less than a national catastrophe. Yes, it must be—the French will invade—I'd better warn the countryside.

    (Enter Sir Sampson and Angelica.)

    Sir Sampson
    Where is the Old Soothsayer? This uncle of mine elect? Aha, Old Copernicus, Uncle Foresight, wish me joy, double joy, both as uncle and astrologer. Here's a conjunction that was not foretold in all your zodiacs. You're an old fellow, Foresight, I mean Uncle Foresight—and yet you shall dance at my wedding. We'll have the music of the spheres for thee, Old Ptolemy, that we will.

    Foresight
    You are not married to my niece?

    Sir Sampson
    Not absolutely married, Uncle, but very near it, within a kiss, you see.

    Angelica
    Very true, indeed, Uncle. I hope you'll be my father and give me away.

    Sir Sampson
    That he shall, or I'll burn his globes and zodiacs. He shall be your father, and you shall make me a father, and I'll make you a mother.

    Foresight
    This is so surprising.

    Sir Sampson
    Surprising, Uncle? Not at all. It's a plot to undermine cold weather.

    (Enter Lady Foresight and Ben.)

    Lady Foresight
    I'm glad to hear there's so much fire in you, Sir Sampson.

    Ben
    I fear his fire's little better than tinder; it will only serve to light a candle for someone else.

    Sir Sampson (in a rage)
    Who gave you authority to speak in this case? To your element, fish— rule your own helm, don't direct me.

    Ben
    Take care of your own helm, or you won't keep her under sail for long.

    Sir Sampson
    You impudent tarpaulin. Do you bring your filthy forecastle jests upon your father?

    Lady Foresight
    Out upon it—at years of discretion and conduct yourself at this rate.

    Ben
    No offense, Aunt.

    Lady Foresight
    No offense? As I'm a person, I'm ashamed of you. Foh, how you stink of wine. Do you think my daughter will ever endure such a tankard? You're an absolute tankard.

    Ben
    Tankard? If you grudge me liquor, make up a bill. Give me more drink, and take my purse. (singing) Prithee, fill me the glass, He that whines for a lass, Is an ignorant ass. (stops singing) But if you would have me marry my cousin, say the word, and I'll do it. Ben will do it. That's the word. Ben will do it, that's my crest—my motto, I have forgot.

    Lady Foresight
    Ben is a little drunk from drinking your health, Angelica.

    Ben
    In vino veritas, Aunt. I have drunk your health today, Cousin. I am a tankard. But if you have a mind to be married, say the word, Ben will do it. If she has her maidenhead, let her look to it. Ben will do it. If she has not, let her cry out, at nine months' end: “Ben did it.”

    Angelica
    Your pardon, Aunt, I can stay no longer. Cousin Ben grows very powerful—egh, how he smells. I shall be overcome with the fumes if I stay.

    Lady Foresight
    Smells? He would poison an apothecary and his family. I don't know what to do with him. You are not fit to live in a Christian Commonwealth. Go to the Saracens, or the Tartars, or the Turks— beastly pagan.

    Ben
    Turks, no; no Turks, Aunt. Your Turks are infidels and believe not in the grape. My map says your Turk is not orthodox. It is a plain case, that Orthodox is a hard word, Aunt, and, hiccough, Greek for Claret. (sings) To drink is a Christian diversion, Unknown to the Turk or the Persian, Let Mohammedan fools Live by heathenish rules, But let British lads sing: “A health to the King!” Hurrah.

    Lady Foresight
    Go lie down and sleep, you sot, or as I'm a person, I'll have you beaten with broomsticks. Call up the wenches with broomsticks.

    Ben
    Ahoy. Wenches, where are the wenches?

    (Enter Scandal.)

    Lady Foresight
    Dear Mr. Scandal, get him away. I have an affair that invades me with some precipitation—

    Scandal
    Come, brave sailor. Will you go to a cock fight?

    Ben
    With a wench? Is she a shake-bag? Lead on, Macbeth, lead on. Ben will do it. (singing) Let Mohammedan fools Live by heathenish rules—


    Scene IV. Same as Act I, a little later.

    (Enter Foresight and Maskwell.)

    Foresight
    Have you deceived me, you villain, and betrayed all the kindnesses you have received at my hands by paying addresses to my daughter?

    Maskwell
    Only to serve your honor.

    Foresight
    To serve me? How?

    Maskwell
    I thought a certain person was too much in her good graces and sought to act as a counterweight to prevent her from committing some folly.

    Foresight
    Who? Who dared to address my daughter without my consent?

    Maskwell
    I am loathe to say. Friendship binds me to silence. But he aims there no longer—be at ease on that account.

    Foresight
    Be easy? Where does he aim now?

    Maskwell
    At your wife.

    Foresight
    What?

    Maskwell
    I am sorry I can't make you an answer, this is an occasion on which I would not willingly be silent—but—

    Foresight
    If he is your friend, what am I?

    Maskwell
    I am answered.

    Foresight
    What is the villain's purpose?

    Maskwell
    I should rather give you an opportunity to observe than to speak ill of him—you know I mean Valentine.

    Foresight
    Nobly spoken.

    Maskwell
    If you will follow me to my Lady's chamber—

    Foresight
    Hell, I will.

    Maskwell
    Duty to you makes me do a severe justice. When everything is ready, I shall call you.

    Foresight
    By all the stars, I am your friend forever.

    (Exit Foresight and Maskwell. Enter Scandal and Tattle, followed by Ben.)

    Ben
    Boys, boys, lads, where are you? Scandal, this is your trick—you're always spoiling company by leaving it.

    Scandal
    And you're always spoiling company by coming into it.

    Ben
    Pooh. Man, when I say you spoil company by leaving it, I mean you leave nobody for the company to laugh at. I think I was with you, ha?

    Tattle
    Most definitely.

    Ben
    Tell me more, Mr. Tattle, about my Aunt's reputation.

    Tattle
    More? Why I know nothing. Have I said anything about her reputation? Oh, fie.

    Scandal
    Mr. Tattle has a great reputation for secrecy.

    Tattle
    I thank heaven it has always been a part of my character to handle the reputation of others very tenderly.

    Scandal
    Such reputations as you have to deal with are in need of tender handling.

    Tattle
    How can you say that when you know not the persons of whom you speak?

    Scandal
    Not know them? Why, you never had to do with anybody that did not stink to all the town.

    Tattle
    As I hope to be saved, I never exposed a woman since I knew what a woman was. I never could meddle with a woman that had to do with anybody else.

    Ben
    How?

    Scandal
    Except her husband, Tattle.

    Tattle
    Oh, that.

    Scandal
    Yet, you were once fond of Mrs. Frail.

    Ben (aside)
    What's this?

    Tattle
    Till I found out her intrigue with Valentine. Oh, what have I said? My unlucky tongue.

    Scandal
    Ha, ha, ha.

    Ben
    Mrs. Frail?

    Scandal
    Yes, Mrs. Frail is a very fine woman. We all know her.

    Tattle
    Oh, that is not fair.

    Scandal
    What?

    Tattle
    To tell.

    Scandal
    To tell what? What do I know of Mrs. Frail? I don't know if she is a man or woman—except by her dress.

    Tattle
    No?

    Scandal
    No.

    Tattle
    She says otherwise.

    Scandal
    Impossible.

    Tattle
    Ask Valentine.

    Scandal
    Why, then I believe a woman only obliges a man that she may have the pleasure of telling herself.

    Tattle
    No doubt on it? Well, but has she done you wrong or not? You have had her?

    Scandal
    I have more honor than to tell first, but I have never contradicted a lady in my life.

    Ben
    Then you own it?

    Scandal
    I can't deny it if she says so.

    Ben
    Mayhap, I'll ask her.

    Scandal
    Barbarous. Ask a lady?

    Ben (aside)
    This is lucky. I was about to marry my brother's whore. Nay, everybody's whore.

    Scandal
    Come, let us go back to the company. Mum's the word as to all this. No harm done—all friends here.

    CURTAIN


    ACT V


    Scene I. Lady Foresight's Bed Chamber, a little later that evening.

    (Lady Foresight is pacing impatiently, playing with her fan. Enter Maskwell.)

    Lady Foresight
    You are late. I was accusing you of neglect.

    Maskwell
    Excess of joy has made me stupid.

    Lady Foresight
    You can excuse a fault too well, a ready answer shows you were prepared.

    Maskwell
    Guilt is at a loss; innocence never—

    Lady Foresight
    Not in love—love has no language to be heard—

    Maskwell
    Who would not lose speech to have your favors? (kisses her)

    Lady Foresight
    Let me lock the door first, so that it's safe.

    (Valentine steps from behind the curtains.)

    Valentine
    And may all treachery be thus discovered.

    Lady Foresight
    AHHH!

    Maskwell (running out)
    Fortunately, I have provided an escape for myself.

    Valentine
    Hold, madame, hold. You have no more holes to your burrow. I'll stand between you and this sally port.

    Lady Foresight
    Thunder will strike thee dead.

    Valentine
    Be patient.

    Lady Foresight
    Be damned.

    Valentine
    Consider, I have you on the hook.

    Lady Foresight
    I'll hold my death and die, but I'll be free.

    (Maskwell returns, leading in Angelica and Foresight.)

    Maskwell (whispering to Foresight)
    I have kept my word. He's here best discovered.

    (Maskwell leaves.)

    Maskwell
    I will not be seen in this.

    Foresight
    Hell and—she's in tears.

    Lady Foresight (low to Valentine)
    If I repent? You will not expose me?

    Valentine
    I will be your friend in every honest way.

    Lady Foresight (seeing her husband and Angelica, aside)
    Witnesses. Then all's my own. (aloud, dropping to her knees) Never, never—kill me—I'll die before I consent to such a sin—

    Valentine
    Ha.

    Lady Foresight
    Cruel man, I'll forgive all you've done. And I won't tell. Do not ravish me.

    Foresight
    Monster! Dog! I'm old, but by the stars, I'll fight.

    (Foresight rushes at Valentine with his cane. Angelica and Lady Foresight restrain him.)

    Angelica
    Hold, hold.

    Valentine
    Sorceress.

    Lady Foresight (to Foresight)
    Moderate your passion. He's mad, alas, he's mad.

    Foresight
    You excuse him?

    Lady Foresight
    Indeed, he is my Lord, and knows not what he does. See how wild he looks.

    Valentine
    By heaven, 'twere senseless not to be mad and see such witchcraft.

    Lady Foresight
    You hear him? He talks idly.

    Valentine
    Now, by my soul, I will not go till I have made known my wrongs—and yours—though she has the hosts of hell as her servants.

    Lady Foresight
    Alas, he raves. Talks poetry. For heaven's sake, husband, come away before he attempts some extravagance.

    Valentine
    Angelica, will you hear me?

    (Angelica turns her back on him and stalks out.)

    Valentine (to Foresight)
    Will you not hear me? Why, by heaven, she laughs, grins, points to your back; she forks out cuckoldom with her fingers—and you're not running horn mad after your future.

    (Lady Foresight turns and smiles at Valentine as she and Foresight leave.)

    Foresight
    He's mad, indeed. I'll send Maskwell to him.

    Lady Foresight
    I'll faint if I stay.


    Scene II. Same as Act I, later that night.

    (Ben enters and lies down on a couch out of sight. Enter Maskwell and Lady Foresight.)

    Maskwell
    Was it not lucky?

    Lady Foresight
    Lucky? It might have been my ruin.

    Maskwell
    But fortune is your own.

    Lady Foresight
    Not yet. The honey-tongued devil has somehow persuaded Angelica that it was all a mistake. How, I do not know.

    Maskwell
    They are coming now; best not be seen together.

    (Exit Lady Foresight.)

    Maskwell (aside)
    So it takes. Angelica believes Valentine because I told her the whole plot. Valentine trusts me absolutely now; so now is the time to line my own pockets.

    Valentine
    Ah, dear Maskwell. But for your good words, this lady would never have even spoken to me.

    Maskwell
    Despite what's happened, all can be saved yet.

    Angelica
    My uncle is being very troublesome. He will do everything he can to prevent the marriage and, while he cannot succeed, now that I have made up my mind, he can cause a lot of trouble.

    Maskwell
    It must be by elopement. It is vain to talk anymore.

    Angelica
    An elopement? How very common.

    Valentine
    He's right. I know no other way—if you have love enough to run this venture?

    Angelica
    Love enough? I don't know that—but I have obstinacy enough to oppose anything that resists my will though it were reason itself.

    Valentine (aside)
    Egad, frank at least.

    Maskwell
    I'll secure the proper papers and run the hazard with you.

    Angelica
    But how can we escape without suspicion?

    Maskwell
    Leave that to my care. The coach shall be got ready by your uncle's own order.

    Valentine
    How?

    Maskwell
    I will tell him the whole of the contrivance. That's my way.

    Valentine
    How will that help?

    Maskwell
    Why, I will tell my Lord I laid this plot with you on purpose to betray you—and that while she thinks she is marrying you, she will actually be marrying Sir Sampson.

    Valentine
    So?

    Maskwell
    So, while you're busy getting ready, Sir Sampson will whisk her away.

    Valentine
    I see. You'll tell him that.

    Maskwell
    Yes. Why, don't you think I mean to do so?

    Valentine
    No, no. I dare swear you will not. Excellent Maskwell, you were certainly meant to be a statesman—but you are too honest.

    Maskwell
    Well, get yourself ready. Go by the back stairs. We'll meet here in an hour.

    (Exit Valentine with a gesture of admiration for his friend. Ben's head appears over the top of the sofa and then disappears.

    Ben (aside)
    Do you say so?

    Maskwell
    Madame, will you be ready?

    Angelica
    For once in my life, I will be punctual.

    Maskwell
    Stay. Upon second thought, we had best meet in my chamber. It will be more convenient.

    Angelica
    I am guided by you, but Valentine will mistake.

    Maskwell
    No, I'll tell him straightaway.

    Angelica
    I will not fail.

    (Exit Angelica.)

    Maskwell
    'Tis no fault of mine. I have told them in plain terms how easy it is to cheat them; and if they will not hear the serpent's hiss, they must be stung, now to—

    (Ben rises up with a pistol in his hand.)

    Maskwell
    What the devil?

    Ben
    Ahoy there.

    Maskwell
    What do you mean by this rudeness?

    Ben
    D'ye see, I've been dozing her and heard all your plan. I understand your trick, my little shark.

    Maskwell
    Will you expose me?

    Ben
    No, I mean to profit by it.

    Maskwell
    What do you mean?

    Ben
    That you don't need to concern yourself with, little shark. If you'll just accompany me to a closet, I shall secure your cooperation.


    Scene The last. Same as Act I.

    Foresight, Mrs. Foresight, Lord Froth, Lady Froth are at cards.
    Tattle and Scandal are also present.

    (Enter Sir Sampson and Mrs. Frail.)

    Sir Sampson
    Brother, the most unlucky accident.

    Foresight
    What's the matter?

    Sir Sampson
    Oh, the two most unfortunate creatures.

    Lady Foresight
    Bless us, how so?

    Sir Sampson
    Mrs. Frail and I are— Oons, I can't speak it out.

    Mrs. Frail
    Married.

    Lady Foresight
    Married? How?

    Sir Sampson
    Ben did it. But this is the most cruel thing. To marry someone one does not know. Body o me if I ever was concerned like this in my life. It was a trick, I thought it was Angelica.

    Lady Foresight
    This is very unfortunate if you don't care for one another.

    Sir Sampson
    I never liked anybody less in my life. Poor woman. Gad, I'm sorry for her, too; for I have no reason to hate her neither; but I believe I shall lead her a damned sort of life.

    Lady Foresight
    He's better than no husband at all, I suppose. But mine's worth two on him.

    Mrs. Frail
    It's well it was no worse. It was Ben's idea. For my part, I always despised Sir Sampson of all things; nothing but his being my husband could make me like him less.

    Sir Sampson
    I thought as much. If only it could be kept secret.

    Scandal
    You'll agree very well in a little time; Custom will make it easy to you.

    Sir Sampson
    Easy! Damnation, I don't think I shall sleep tonight.

    Mrs. Frail
    Depend upon it, you shall not. What on your wedding night? You shall do your duty, Sir Sampson. We shall see if you are worthy of your name.

    (Sir Sampson looks frightened.)

    Sir Sampson
    Argh.

    Foresight
    But, how did this come about?

    Sir Sampson
    I designed to marry Angelica privately—and she planned to cheat me by marrying Valentine. But somehow Ben cheated us both, substituted himself for Valentine and this lady for Angelica.

    Lady Foresight
    Ben married to Angelica! Then I am revenged.

    Ben (haling in Angelica)
    Give us joy.

    Angelica
    You brute. Beastly creature. I won't be married to you.

    Ben
    Married and consummated. That's good in law.

    Angelica
    But I thought you were Valentine.

    Ben
    You were not so unkind but a few moments ago.

    Sir Sampson
    Dog—do you trick your father and your brother?

    Ben
    And did you not mean to trick me? First, you would have me marry that little chit? Then you would put Mrs. Frail upon me, who was Valentine's mistress for several years? Did you think this old sea dog was a complete fool? (to Angelica) You, my lady should be thankful you are married to a gentleman and not to Maskwell. You, Father, are married to a very worthy lady who desired to be nearer related to you. What, you would not have your son marry a whore? She planned to marry Valentine. Why fooling you all is easier than standing a night's watch. As for you, young Mistress Weathervane, you shan't lead me the dance you led my brother, for at the first sign, I'll put to sea—d'ye conceive me? And if you do not behave on the voyage, I'll drown you like a cat.

    Angelica
    Inhuman monster. (aside) I begin to like him immensely.

    Lady Foresight
    Then I am revenged. Maskwell dares not speak and Valentine is ruined.

    (Enter Valentine.)

    Valentine
    Brother, what have you done?

    Ben
    Only as you would have done by me.

    Valentine
    You'll answer for this.

    Ben
    Anytime. You know I am a better swordsman, Val. Better think twice.

    Valentine
    I'll pay you back.

    Sir Sampson
    Never mind, Val, what's done is done and cannot be undone. I'll be revenged on Ben, at least; I release you, Valentine, from your obligations. Come, comfort your father. Ben shall have none of my money.

    Valentine
    Sir, you oblige me much, and do a long way to reconciling myself to my loss of Angelica.

    Ben
    Forget her, Val. This jade wants a stronger hand than yours to control her. To love her is to be lost.

    Angelica
    Say you so, Porpoise? In a week, you shall be at my feet.

    Valentine
    It's true she has not been very kind.

    Lady Foresight (aside)
    Are they to be reconciled? Then, what of my revenge? (she tears her fan)

    Scandal
    From hence, let those be warned who mean to wed, lest mutual falsehood stain the marriage bed. For each deceiver to his cost my find that marriage frauds are often paid in kind.

    CURTAIN