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VIOLENT ATTACHMENTS or A PEEP INTO THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY
A Short Comedy By Frank J. Morlock C 1984 Note: This play was inspired by an anonymous 18th century novel.
Etext by Dagny
(Enter Lady Easy and her coachman, John. Lady Easy is very
distraught.)
Lady Easy
Oh John, John, I shall expire!
John
Yes, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
Can the fool do nothing but repeat what I say? Well, this confirms
me in the fatality of dreams. But, we must submit to fate. Well, don't
just stand there like a bumpkin. See if you can rectify what's amiss,
John.
John
The coach can be fixed, but it will be impossible to set things to
right in less than three hours, m'am.
Lady Easy
Oh, but do try to hurry. I am on the most important journey of my
life, John, and this horrible accident may prevent me from meeting my
fate in Hertford, John. Think of that, John.
John
Very somber, your ladyship, very somber.
Lady Easy
But I must patiently submit to my fate. I am deservedly punished,
for I might have avoided this ghastly accident by attending to what my
dream predicted. (declaiming)
Heaven made us agents free to good or ill,
And forced it not, though He foresaw it all.
Freedom was first bestowed on human race,
And prescience only held the second place,
If He could make such agents wholly free,
I'll not dispute—
John
Hem, if it please your ladyship, I couldn't help it, 'pon honor,
madam, I couldn't and as for disputing with your ladyship, I hope—
Lady Easy
You misapprehend me, John, it was not with you that I was
disputing—
John (looking around in bewilderment)
As you please, my lady, but—
Lady Easy (irritated)
I was quoting Dryden.
John
Yes, your ladyship. (after a pregnant pause) I think, your
ladyship, we are in luck—we cannot be far from Lady Pam's.
Lady Easy (back to her quoting)
I'll write whatever time shall bring to pass
With pens of adamant on plates of brass.
John
M'lady?
Lady Easy (noticing him)
Eh? What would you have, John?
John
We cannot be far from Lady Pam's.
Lady Easy
But, we are totally unacquainted, John. Still, I have longed to
meet her—I've been told we resemble each other very much. And she's a
distant relation, or something, so, perhaps, it would not be too much
of an imposition, if—Yet, I would not deviate one iota from the strict
rules of polite fashion, despite my distress—so, I think it better—
(Enter Lord Fawn.)
Lord Fawn
Good afternoon, your ladyship. (bowing) Perhaps I may be of some
assistance. I saw the condition of your coach. As mine is in good
repair, may I offer to accompany you wherever you like.
Lady Easy
You are far too gracious. If you could give me a lift to Lady
Pam's, which is not too far from here, I should be eternally grateful.
Lord Fawn
Lady Pam? Why, we are on the edge of her estate. Indeed, I was
going thither myself, to pay her my respects, as I am an ardent admirer
of hers, though she treats me despicably—If I am not mistaken, that is
she approaching—
Lady Easy
What a stroke of luck.
Lord Fawn
Wonderful, madam. Here comes the dear creature now.
Lady Easy
Why, you must be Lord Fawn?
Lord Fawn
I confess it, madam. And, by your looks—your resemblance to Lady,
Pam—you must be Lady Easy.
Lady Easy
You've hit it.
(Enter Lady Pam. She has a dog and a monkey with her.)
Pam Lord Fawn, your servant.
Lord Fawn (simpering)
Lady Pam, may I present someone most desirous of making your
acquaintance—the adorable Lady Easy.
(Lady Pam and Lady Easy bow to each other and then hurl themselves
into a furious embrace.)
Pam
My dear, I am superlatively happy in this favor. You'll pardon me,
my lord, but Lady Easy's goodness in this visit is so immense, that I
positively believe I shall not be able to speak a syllable for a month.
Lady Easy
Dear Lady Pam, this happiness is entirely on my side; such a
celestial accident—if an accident of the same kind was always
productive of such a felicity, I should entreat my stars to permit my
coach to break down every day of my life.
Lord Fawn
But, ladies—
Lady Easy
Excuse me, my lord, I must entreat you to grant me permission to
intrude so far on your lordship's patience as not to lay myself under
the odium of impoliteness by a remissness in returning a suitable
thanks to dear Lady Pam. But I am in such a flutter that I positively
conceive that I labor under the same predicament as your ladyship, for
I really do not believe I shall be able to utter a single sentence till
the sun has made another revolution; but beg your ladyship's fertile
imagination will form the finest turned sentence that ever fancy
wore—and—oh, I am speechless—
Lord fawn But, ladies—
Pam
My lord, your pardon, I would wait upon your lordship immediately,
but dear Lady Easy is so ravishingly kind; so immensely polite, so
enchantingly condescending, so, so, so—Excuse me, my lord, I really
have not the power of speech. (aside to Lord Fawn) I don't like her
very much—
Lord Fawn
Dear ladies, if I might—
Pam
In good time, my lord, but politeness in excess is a debt which
demands instantaneous payment, and I am very punctual in keeping up my
credit in decorum, therefore, dear Lady Easy—bless me, how infertile
my tongue is today—I have not a thought worthy of such excellence, nor
an expression to convey my sense of your goodness. I'm stupid,
absolutely dumb.
Lord Fawn (bowing)
Ladies, I humbly take my leave. I'll look to the coach. Come, John.
John
Yes, your lordship.
Lady Easy (curtly to Lord Fawn)
My lord, your most obedient—(effusively to Lady Pam) Dear Lady
Pam, you've got a most enchanting monkey. (brusquely to Lord Fawn) I
humbly thank your lordship for—(about to expire, to Lady Pam) What's
your monkey's name, my dear? (to Lord Fawn) —all your lordship's
unparalleled favors. (turning her back on him to look at Lady Pam)
Pam
His name's Jacko, my dear. (indifferently) Adieu, my lord. (to Lady
Easy) He's a diverting creature. (to Lord Fawn) I hope your lordship
will let me see you again very speedily. (to Lady Easy and the monkey)
Poor Jacko, poor Jacky, Jacky.
Lord Fawn
I'll do myself the pleasure of waiting upon your ladyship very
soon. In the meantime, ladies, I kiss your hands. (bowing and leaving)
(aside) I've never been so insulted in my life.
(Exit Lord Fawn and John.)
Lady Easy
My lord. What a silly man. Indeed, your monkey is so ravishingly
pretty, I could kiss him. But, pray, what's that lord?
Pam
A suitor of mine, my dear.
Lady Easy
You couldn't intend to marry a man so lacking in ton?
Pam
Heavens, no. I'd rather marry Jacko.
Lady Easy
Indeed, I prefer him myself. But, my dear, are you fond of poetry?
Pam
I'm fond of painting, my dear.
Lady Easy
It's all the same—they both delineate the affections of the soul.
Celestial! So you love painting!
Pam
Oh, immensely!
Lady My dear Lady Pam, how happy we shall be in the congeniality of our ideas. Sir Francis once wrote to me that “I had no occasion to speak, for my eyes glanced my meaning.” He even said I could “speak a look.” But we were not destined for each other; I was cruel, extremely cruel; were you ever cruel, my dear?
Pam
My dear Lady Easy, can you entertain so mean a thought of my
education as to think me capable of being otherwise? No, my dear, I
delight in cruelty. It's the very food of my soul. Did you know I was
very near losing my life once, attempting to mortify Miss Manly?
Lady Easy
How, my dear?
Pam
I'll tell you, my dear. Miss Manly was fond of hunting and had a
white riding habit in which she was greatly admired. I had a much more
elegant habit and was destined to eclipse her had not my horse thrown
me. The wretch enjoyed my fall with the greatest satisfaction. But it
was the vexation that nearly put an end to my life. But, thanks to
youth and pride, I recovered and am, if possible, more cruel than ever.
(Enter John.)
John
We've set matters right at last, m'am.
Lady Easy
I'll tell you what I've been thinking, John. As the accident was
poetical,—you for the future shall be called Phaeton.
John
Whatever your ladyship pleases.
Lady Easy
John, could you fancy the horses had fiery manes?
John,
Yes, if I saw them on fire.
Pam
Pshaw, the fellow's stupid.
Lady Easy (angrily)
Go to the coach and wait for orders.
John
Yes, m'am. (exit)
Lady Easy
I think, Lady Pam, I was not misinformed, we are really very much
alike; indeed, you have a trifling advantage over me with respect to
beauty. (she takes out a mirror and looks at herself with great
satisfaction, arranging a patch and a curl)
Pam
Dear Lady Easy, do not sacrifice your merit to your politeness—nor
give another that which is so justly your own due. (primping) I am
tolerable. But it was given to you, my dear, to be irresistible.
Lady Easy
Excuse me, my dear, you have the power to make your lovers slide.
Pam
Slide! Slide! (offended) You mean they slip away?
Lady Easy
Oh, no.
Beauty like ice our footsteps does betray,
Who can tread sure on the smooth slippery way.
Pam (mollified)
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, in that sense.
Lady Easy
You've got a pretty dog there, my dear.
Pam
Yes, my dear. Beauties are universally allowed him. He's been more
caressed and courted by my lovers than even a statesman's pimp.
Lady Easy
He's an engaging creature.
Pam
Oh, he really has some sentiment.
Lady Easy
Indeed!
Pam
I'll assure you, some of his notions are very delicate. Why, he
quite stopped Lord Moral, who passes for a wit, but who in reality is
no better than a fool, from arguing with his usual impertinence that
one half of the paintings bought for originals are only vile copies. My
dear Guido began to yelp and bark in such a manner that he absolutely
stopped my gentleman's insolent volubility—which together with my
contemptuous attitude obliged him to retire in confusion.
Lady Easy
Sensible creature! You surely have a great value for him.
Pam
Oh! My love for him is inconceivable. He's the dearest, sweetest,
loveliest little puppy. (she squeezes him and the dog yelps)
Lady Easy
But, what is that strange ribbon?
Pam
Oh, my dear, Guido's a knight. It is but a short time since I had
him installed with great pomp in our large hall—oh, you must see our
large hall, you'll die—and let me tell you, he bore his investiture
with becoming decency.
Lady Easy
Pray, of what order is he knight?
Pam
Oh, my dear, the order of the painted gallery. But, would you like
to hear his ancestry?
Lady Easy
My dear, you will oblige me infinitely.
Pam
Guido is descended from a family as ancient and renowned as any the
four-footed race can boast of. He is a direct descendant of Towzer, a
large bull dog belonging to Cardinal Wolsey when he was only a butcher.
You smile, my dear. Perhaps you think it impossible for a butcher to
become a minister of state?
Lady Easy
Excuse me, Lady Pam. I had no such thought, I assure you. Indeed, I
have observed some ministers of state have turned butchers of late
years.
Pam
To proceed. Towzer fell passionately in love with Miss Sleek, a
bitch belonging to Henry the Eighth.
Lady Easy
He had so many bitches.
Pam
Their nuptials—for they were regularly married—were productive of
a fine puppy named Sly. From Sly a train of statesmen regularly
succeeded until the days of Oliver Cromwell. One of Sly's successors
named Scarem belonged to Cromwell himself, and barked so loudly in the
cause of liberty that any person who dared even mutter a syllable in
favor of prerogative in his presence was sure to lose a piece of his
leg.
Lady Easy
Wonderful.
Pam
And more wonderful, Scarem begot Supple, who gave himself up to the
intrigues of court, and it is from one of Supple's private amours that
my dear Guido is descended. He's the sweetest and best-tempered puppy
existing. (squeezing him) Yeowww!!! He bit me!
(Lady Pam faints.)
Lady Easy (thundering)
John! John! John! Oh, where is the fool?
(Enter John hurriedly.)
Lady Easy
Where have you been, John, all this time?
John
Nowhere, my lady.
Lady Easy
You must prepare a horse with all possible speed.
John (leaving)
Yes, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
Why, the fellow's stupid. Would you go without your message? You
must be as expeditious as possible. Hurry!
John (leaving)
Yes, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
Wait! You see poor Lady Pam is almost expiring. Let me see, what
was I going to say? Oh, yes, be as quick as possible.
John
Yes, your ladyship. I will go immediately.
Lady Easy
Where is the fool hurrying? Stay and take your message with you. I
did not tell you what to go for, did I?
John
No, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
No? Then, where would the simpleton be running? You must saddle a
horse, I tell you—and when that is done—mount it, do you hear me?
John
Yes, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
Then, don't stand kicking your legs about and biting the corner of
your hat in that manner, but mind what I say to you; when you have
mounted the horse—for you must make an expedition—for the lady is
positively dying—and don't founder in the mud.
John
No, your ladyship. There is no danger of that. The roads are not
muddy.
Lady Easy
Incorrigible animal, be silent! The roads are not muddy? What
incorrigible and ridiculous ideas the fool has. The roads are always
muddy. But mind, you must make all the haste you can to London, and do
you mind me.
John (frustrated)
Yes, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
A fiddlestick cannot hold your tongue. Take notice of what I say.
When you get to London, you must tell Clytemnestra—
John
I don't know any such gentleman, your ladyship.
Lady Easy
Egregious blockhead, be silent. “I don't know any such gentleman.”
Truly. Why, stupidity itself realized it's no gentleman, but my waiting
maid, Molly, under her poetic name. You must tell her to look in
Cyclops's eyes and send me a small thumb vial which she'll find
there—for nothing else will be efficacious toward the recovery of this
lady.
John
Yes, m'am. Who is Cyclops?
Lady Easy
Who is Cyclops? Fool! Cyclops is my dressing table.
John
To be sure, m'am.
(Exit John.)
Pam (groaning)
Ohh!
Lady Easy
Will you live, dear Lady Pam?
Pam (getting up with assistance)
Yes, I believe so. Yes, I will live.
Lady Easy (clapping her hands and jumping up and down)
How wonderful! How celestial! Lady Pam will live.
Pam (fanning herself)
I think I am myself, again. But, I am so impolite. I've totally
forgotten to ask you the reason for your journey, and whither you are
bent.
Lady Easy
You must know, my dear, that I'm a very odd creature, immensely
whimsical. (confidentially) I love dearly to pry into futurity.
Pam
Aren't you scared?
Lady Easy
I'm absolutely frightened to death of almost everything I discover.
Terrible!
Pam
Terrible.
Lady Easy
If I could make things happen according to my wish I should be the
happiest creature existing; but when I want a thing to happen one way,
I find a prediction informing me it shall happen another. Which you
know, my dear, is enough to give one the spleen.
Pam
When I have a great inclination to do what I should not, I never
once consult the stars, for fear they should forbid me.
Lady Easy
What a charming thing it would be if one could always enjoy one's
wishes, and follow one's inclinations and yet never suffer for it.
Pam
My dear, it is totally impossible for a pretty woman to do wrong. A
woman has only to fancy she is right in order to be so. All the men
allow it, and they are held to be very wise.
Lady Easy
My dear, I shall adopt your maxims. They seem so replete with
conveniences.
Since angels feel, whose strength was more than mine,
T'would show more grace, my frailty to confine—
Well, to get back to my journey, one day I found a paper in Cyclops's eyes. Cyclops, my dear, is my name for my bureau.
Pam
Very poetic.
Lady Easy
I think so, too. We are so like-minded. Well, the paper must have
got there miraculously, for I always keep it locked and my woman, to
whom I have given the poetical name Clytemnestra—
Pam
Divine inspiration—
Lady Easy
—swore that she knew nothing of it.
Pam
What a mystery! What did it say?
Lady Easy
It said, “Celinda,” that's my poetical name, “will be unfortunate
in her nuptials, unless she married Torrismond—the only man on earth
destined to make her happy. He will be, tomorrow, in the bulwark of the
head of a beast framed for swiftness between the two horns.”
Pam
This is immense.
Lady Easy
Now, my dear, this prophecy being to me totally unintelligible
rendered me almost distracted. I read it backwards and forwards, and
every way, but I could make nothing of it. Then, John told me he had a
relation who was a fortune teller. My coachman is of gypsy stock. Had I
not gone to see him, I should never have resolved the matter.
Pam
Then, he was able to explain it?
Lady Easy
Easily. The place signified in the prophecy is the castle of
Hertford. The Saxon word from which Hertford derives its name means
“hart” or hare, a beast famed for its swiftness. The bulwark of the
head is the castle because the town is shaped like a capital Y. The
name Torrismond is probably the adopted or poetical name of the person
meant.
Pam
So easily explained. This fellow must be a prodigious fortune
teller.
Lady Easy
Oh, my dear, he is the best I ever met. For, though he had told my
fortune twenty times over, he never told me the same thing twice.
Anyway, I immediately ordered my coach and was posting thither when I
met this accident which has been the cause of procuring me your
agreeable company.
Pam
And, if you should meet the person named in the prophecy, would you
marry him, my dear?
Lady Easy
Oh, yes—we must submit to fate you know, Lady Pam. But as I shall
be sure of him—for he can no more act against the will of his stars
than myself, I shall use him immoderately ill. For I think it the most
delightful amusement to use a lover that dotes upon one to
distraction—like a dog. Believe me, dear Lady Pam, I've occasioned the
death of four hopeful young men already.
Pam
How unfortunate I have been to have had only one lover die upon my
account. Indeed, his death gave me a great deal of uneasiness, for he
hanged himself. If he had been killed in a duel or shot himself through
the head, I should not have cared. But to have a lover hang himself,
like a common criminal, frets one because it's vulgar. He was not
thinking of ME when he did that! But, how did yours die?
Lady Easy
Why, I played off two of them with so much spirit against each
other that, mad with jealousy, they fought a duel and both died of
their wounds. But not before the most tender expressions of love were
sent me from their death beds. A third fairly fretted to death, and the
other shot himself through the head after I vexed him by sleeping with
his brother. (sighing) If I could but kill a dozen, I should be
supremely happy.
Pam
My dear, you are already on the road to happiness. I envy your
triumphs. Suppose, my dear, we profess a violent attachment to each
other?
Lady Easy
That will render my life a continual scene of ecstasy, my dear. I'm
fond to excess of violent attachments. Let us be eternal and
unchangeable friends from this moment. One fate, one fame, one faith,
shall both attend my life's companion, and my bosom friend.
(They embrace.)
Pam
We shall share everything.
Lady Easy
Tastes.
Pam
Clothes.
Lady Easy
Books.
Pam
Paintings.
Lady Easy
Lovers.
Pam
Ecstasy.
Lady Easy
Look, my dear, here comes that odious Lord Fawn.
Pam
Faugh, I can't stand him. Now, my dear Lady Easy, as you were
pleased to doubt my disposition to cruelty—though I do dote upon his
lordship—you shall see me treat him in as cavalier a manner as any
woman in the British Dominions—nay, the entire continent—if you will
just hide behind that bush and listen.
(Lady Easy smiles and steps behind a tree. Lord Fawn enters.)
Lord Fawn
Dear Lady Pam—
Pam
Dear Lord Fawn.
Lord Fawn
When I first saw you, madam, you are aware I did not court you
after the vulgar mode of the uneducated by proposing marriage. No, I
thought you handsome enough to be a mistress and offered you a genteel
settlement to surrender upon honorable terms, for as I hope to be
cuckolded by a Prince of the Blood, I did not imagine you were so well
off. But, since I find you are not under necessity of playing a fair
game, and treating upon honorable terms, I must edge in and hang out
the matrimonial flag.
Pam
My lord, you are extremely well-bred, and I should certainly have
accepted your charming offer, but I feared you would have tyrannized
over me. But, you know, if we marry, it is your place to submit.
Lord Fawn
Doubtless. A woman's powers, like her charms, should be unbounded.
Pam
And yet, some men are such brutes that they use their mistresses
like slaves and treat their wives in such an egregious manner that some
silly people would be inclined to think it was the duty of a wife to be
obedient.
Lord Fawn
They must be silly people indeed who could think such a thing.
However, you'll find me a ver obedient husband.
Pam
Well, my lord, you know certain wit said:
—horses and asses, we're allowed to try and sound suspected
vessels ere we buy, women a random choice, untried we take, we
dream in courtship, and in wedlock wake, then, not till then,
the veil's removed, and the woman glares in open day.
Thus, if all these sarcastical strokes are true, my lord, I hope we have the same right to try your sex beforehand.
Lord Fawn (leering and trying to kiss her)
By all means, dear madam.
Pam (breaking away)
Then, I'll exact proof of your obedience. Have you ever heard of
Sebastiano Conco?
Lord Fawn
No, madam, I cannot say I have, or at least my memory betrays me.
Pam
Dear me, why he was born at Gaella in the year 1676, and died in
1764.
Lord Fawn
Very possible, madam, but I cannot say I recollect anything of the
affair.
Pam
Well, that's amazing. He was a celebrated painter.
Lord Fawn
Indeed. I can't deny it, madam.
Pam
He studied under Luca Giordano. Now, you must know that a certain
painter in the city of Rome has a certain painting of Sebastiano's. The
subject is a silly boy killing a butterfly. Now, as I shall never be
happy until I am possessed of that inimitable composition, I must
insist that, ere Hymen unite us, you make a journey to Rome, discover
the painter, and purchase the piece at whatever price is affixed to it.
Lord Fawn
Consider, dear Lady Pam, what cruelty it will be to banish me so
long from your delightful presence. Let us first be joined in
matrimony, and. then, we can go in search of this—masterpiece,
together.
Pam
Clever fox. Nay, my lord. Stand to your promise, either drop the
negotiation, or stand to the conditions prescribed. Besides, the
journey will improve your taste infinitely, which, I assure you, will
not be your least recommendation in my favor.
Lord Fawn
Damnation! I shall set off in the morning, Lady Pam.
Pam
You may kiss my hand before you go.
Lord Fawn
Infinite thanks, dear lady. (kissing her hand, he bows and leaves)
Curses! Now, how shall I avoid this nuisance?
Pam
Well, how did you like that little farce, my dear?
Lady Easy
Infinitely. It will teach him how to be a devoted husband.
Pam
You are perfectly right, my dear. The creatures should be taught
their duty.
Lady Easy
Certainly, my dear. We were born for prerogative and pleasure
only— two principles the female sex obey, the love of pleasure and the
love of sway. But, do you really love this male thing, my dear?
Pam
Oh, yes. I love him because all my friends have spoken against him,
and done all in their power to prevent his visits. But, I'll do what I
please, even if I suffer for it. Obstinacy is a delicious thing for a
woman of spirit. The only way to make me do a thing is to persuade me
not to do it.
Lady Easy
That, my dear, is a piece of finesse by which I was very near
suffering. My uncle knew my disposition well, and artfully persuaded me
not to marry a man I never intended to have. I was on the point of
marrying the hideous creature when, by luck, I discovered my uncle's
treachery and avoided the impending ruin.
Pam
What a dreadful escape.
Lady Easy (screaming)
Aiee!!!
Pam
What ails you, my dear?
Lady Easy
I shall miss my meeting with Torrismond. My life is ruined.
Pam
But, your coach is repaired, is it not?
Lady Easy
But when you fainted, I had John saddle a horse and ride to London
to get you a cordial. He won't be back for hours. Oh, my unlucky stars!
Pam
But, you must use my coach, my dear.
Lady Easy
You are the most considerate creature.
Pam
Come, we'll see to it immediately.
(Pam and Lady Easy exit. A moment later, John enters furtively from
the opposite direction.)
John
Saddle a horse and go to London, indeed! Tell Clytemnestra to look
in Cyclops eye—my black arse! So, what must I tell her? I have it—the
horse fell in the mud and refused to go further. She'll call me stupid
and say she told me so. And that will be the end of that. The woman's a
fool. Clytemnestra, or Molly, as she is known to the rest of mankind,
has more sense than my lady, and she can't read or write.
'Tis strange that man will always quit
The very thing for which he's fit.
His Grace is in 'Change—alley great,
While barbers regulate the State.
And some are so extremely wise,
They'd rule the rulers of the skies,
Though mortals seize the immortal rod,
And criticize the works of God,
A certain self sufficient spark.
Parading o'er a rural park,
Viewed nature's charms with scornful eye,
And could in each a defect espy.
Puffed with importance, “Had,” said he,
“The Universe been made by me,
Without a fault this world had rose,
No crimes, no murders, frauds, or woes,
The sun had given continual light.
But, now all things confused are found,
The noble pumpkin on the ground,
Mean acorns on that lofty tree,
These blunders had been changed by me.
Pumpkins to oaks had owed their birth,
And acorns spread from humble earth,”
He said, and crept beneath the shade,
To slumber on the verdant glade.
The branches shook as winds arose,
An acorn fell and hit his nose.
Conceited fool! Had things been made
According to the schemes you've laid,
Then, had your stupid head been crushed,
Your whim's destroyed and nonsense hushed.
Well, if all goes well, my silly mistress is riding for a fall in Hertford. Torrismond, ha, ha, ha.
Lord Fawn (entering furtively)
Hsstt!
John (startled)
Who's that?
Lord Fawn
Honest John, it's me, Lord Fawn.
John
You quite frightened me, sir.
Lord Fawn
My apologies. I need your help, John.
John
If I can, your lordship.
Lord Fawn
My mistress, Lady Pam, has sent me on the most silly wild goose
chase that ever fair lady appointed a faithful, gullible knight. And I
am determined to be revenged on her.
John
Yes, your lordship.
Lord Fawn
And, moreover, I suspect your mistress instigated Lady Pam to do
it.
John
Not altogether unlikely, my lord. My mistress is terribly
malicious.
Lord Fawn
Lady Pam insists I am to go to Rome to find a picture by Sebastiano
Conco and bring it to her. Now, is that not absurd?
John
Rome is a long way off, sir.
Lord Fawn
Quite. But you must help me.
John, But, how am I do to that, sir?
Lord Fawn
If I am not much mistaken in physiognomy, you, sir, are
unmistakably an Italian?
John
Sir, I am a true born Englishman. By the Holy Virgin, I—
Lord Fawn
By the Holy Virgin, I have you—no Englishman would swear so. You
are no John, you are a Giovanni, or I lose my wager.
John, Please, sir, do not tell my mistress. She would turn me out, sure. She hates Italians.
Lord Fawn
Piano, piano, good Giovanni. I mean you no harm. Indeed, I will pay
you well for assisting me.
John (excitedly)
Grazie, grazie. But, how am I to help you?
Lord Fawn
You must not think me such a fool as to contemplate going to Italy
to find this silly painting. Now, I never knew an Italian, but he had
some relative who could sing or paint. Have you such a relative,
Giovanni?
John
Certo, certo. My brother Carlo.
Lord Fawn
Good, good. And could he paint a Sebastiano?
John (regaining his composure)
Certainly, my lord. He could paint a Michelangelo or a Da Vinci.
He's a wonderful forger.
Lord Fawn
Friend of my youth—let us become better acquainted. Now, what I
need is a Sebastiano—the subject: a boy killing a butterfly.
(They exit in deep conversation and the lights BLACKOUT.)
(When the lights go up, Lady Easy and Lady Pam enter, hugging each
other.)
Lady Easy
Dear, Auristella, for that the poetical name I have, after mature
deliberation fixed upon you, congratulate me, sing twenty Io paeans for
me; I have seen the dear, predestinated, angelic man. Oh—he's all that
painting can express, or youthful poets fancy when they love.
Pam
Is he so adorable, my dear? But, who is he?
Lady Easy
Upon my reputation, you'll never guess. I never saw him before, nor
you neither, I believe. He's an Italian Count on his travels. His
family owns half of Italy, I believe.
Pam
This is simply immense.
Lady Easy
My dear, I'm rapt, I'm in Elysium. I'm as happy as a seraph—but I
may yet be happier—enchanting thought.
Pam
But, proceed regularly, and tell me the beginning, middle, and the
end of things, in order.
Lady Easy
After I went off in your coach, I arrived at Hertford. And sure
enough, the town is in the form of a capital Y. The castle is right in
the middle. Upon enquiry, I found the castle turned into a boarding
school. The master—
Pam
—is Torrismond?
Lady Easy
Heavens no, my dear. The master is an old gentleman who has the
gout, very bad. The schoolmaster received me while he was teaching and
paid an equal attention to me and his scholars. (imitating him)
Madam, your servant.
The regimen of verbs may be divided into three classes.
Pray, madam, be seated.
The first class is that of verbs personal.
What may have procured the honor of your visit, madam?
You blockhead, keep your tongue silent and mind me!
Pam
Ha, ha, ha.
Lady Easy
My Torrismond at this moment entered, and was called to by name by
one of the boys. He bowed to me. (sighing) He makes a sweet bow—and
has a more agreeable smile than any man in Europe. I shall be a happy
creature, for I'm sure of him and, you know, the stars must be obeyed.
Pam
Oh, to be as lucky as you. How I envy you.
Lady Easy
He has in infinity of wit. My heart palpitated the whole time.
Pam
But, were you cruel?
Lady Easy
It will be time enough to be cruel after we're married. The
inimitable creature has written poetry to me—and so soon. Ah, Italians
are so wonderful. Suppose, my dear, upon Lord Fawn's return you marry
him and we four will form a coterie of our own. I love coteries dearly.
I wish there were a thousand in England. I'd do nothing but travel
round the country and visit them all.
Pam
But, how on earth did an Italian Count find himself in Hertford
Castle?
Lady Easy
It's the most immense story: Torrismond came to fulfill a vow and a
prophecy.
Pam
Amazing. Immense. Come to the house, my dear, you must tell me all.
Absolutely all.
(Lady Easy and Lady Pam leave, still deeply engaged in conversation.
After a moment, enter John and the Count from another direction.)
Count
Well, brother Giovanni, the train has happily taken, and I am in a
fair way to blow up the outworks, and hope soon to be in possession of
the town.
John
Did I not tell you it would take, Carlo? This English woman is a
complete fool. Pazzo!
Count
She really is a very agreeable woman in person, and would be every
way charming if she could contrive to lose her affectation. But, that's
not necessary at present, or even desirable. It's not my business to
fall in love.
John
Brother, if you should ever fall in love with that woman, I would
cut your heart out.
Count
Hey, Giovanni, do you want her for yourself?
John (crossing himself)
Never! But ever since I joined her service, she has lorded it over
me in such a way that I will never forgive her, and must be revenged
upon her.
Count
If I am not mistaken, I shall have a considerable deal of trouble
with this fantastical lady yet. But if I get her, matrimony will soothe
all sores. It was a stroke of genius to insert that prophecy into her
bureau.
John
Into Cyclops's eye.
Count
What?
John
She calls her bureau Cyclops because it has only one drawer.
Count
The woman's as superstitious as a village witch.
John
It was my idea, brother.
Count
Agreed. You are the genius of this little comedy, Giovanni.
John
When she has married you, I can't wait to mortify her by telling
her she has married the brother of a coachman.
Count
Even if you tell her, she'll never believe it.
John
Trust me, I'll make her believe it. But, tell me again how you met.
I must hear all the details.
Count
Simple enough. I awaited my lady at Hertford Castle, which as you
know is a boarding school run by our uncle. There I encountered an
unexpected obstacle. The old dog pretended to have what the devil
himself would never have suspected him of assuming, a conscience. He
undertook to prove that I was going contrary to the strictest rules of
propriety. But ,I had that about me, Jack, that was too much for him. I
clapped ten pounds into his hands and he sagaciously found that my
conduct was exactly consonant to the rules of grammar and the syllogism
of logic. Is not money wonderful, brother? I instructed the boys to
call me Torrismond. After the lady had arrived, and been with the
gentlemen ten minutes, I entered the school as if accidentally. One of
the boys called out—Torrismond. It struck her. She was scarlet up to
the neck. The pretty creature was ingenuously engaged in telling a
hundred and fifty lies to get a sight of my sweet person.
John
Ha, ha. And this great lady calls me stupid.
Count
And as you will have a finger in the pie, pray to what saint you
please, for the success of your brother, Torrismond, Count of Monte
Verde.
John
As I hope to cuckold you with my mistress.
Count
But, I insist you wait until we are married.
John
But, of course.
Count
You were always after any wench I had run to ground, Jack.
John
You prefer the chase, I excel at the repast. At spitting the game,
as it were.
Count
Oh, never mind! You may do with her as she will let you—once we
are married and I have her portion nicely in my hands. Adultery will
make a fine excuse for divorce. She is much more ridiculous than I
could have conceived. I shall hate her abominably—but it doesn't
matter. You know that to hate a wife is fashionable.
John
And, for the wife to take the footman privately to bed is—if not
fashionable, at least common. Am I with you, brother?
Count
Damnation!
John
But come, I had forgotten, you must paint a picture for Lord Fawn.
Count
I no longer paint; I am a count now, and counts do not paint.
John
Your share will be a hundred pounds.
Count
In the other hand, even a nobleman should not throw away money.
BLACKOUT
John
To be blasted in all our projects when they were about to take so
fairly!
Count
Unquestionably, there is no justice in the universe. Who could have
expected that she would fall a victim to the small pox, the very day
before our wedding. Could she but have waited till we were married, I
should not have cared. I was summoned last night. I had hopes she
wanted to die a married woman. However, I was too sanguine in my
expectations. She nearly killed me with scraps of execrable verse in
praise of resignation. She told me she was going to express her
gratitude for my continued attachment to her person. My heart beat an
alarm of joy.
John
Perhaps she will leave you a legacy.
Count
I fancied that, too. I whined a bit to put her in the temper to
improve upon her intentions. I put my handkerchief to my eye and “wiped
away the tear I did not shed.”
John
Did she do it, did she?
Count
I was horribly taken in. She made me executor and sole copyright
holder of her execrable, nonsensical and happily unpublished poetic
drivel.
John
Fool! Why didn't you—? She's growing worse and worse. If she
doesn't recover, you must transfer your affection to Lady Pam. I fancy
she had a mind to you.
Count
One will do as well as the other. They are both equally ridiculous.
John
If she lives, her face will be scarified.
Count
I'm glad on it. It will give me an opportunity to pretend my
passion is more than skin deep.
John
I think I should be happy for you to change her for Lady Pam.
Count
The deuce take the small pox. I wish she were dead or well.
John
Lady Pam is with her now. If you wait here you may have a chance to
speak with her. Lose no opportunity.
Count
Rely on me, brother.
John
I hear her. I will leave you to better opportunity.
(Exit John.)
Count (alone)
Florio, a coxcomb of distinguished note,
Proud of the glitter of a laced coat,
Thought all embellishments of mind were low,
And much beneath the notice of a beau.
Oh, at a ball, to bear the belle away,
To be the sovereign arbiter at tea (tay),
These were concerns of most prodigious weight,
Enough to sink a minister of state.
He'd tell a lady, like a useful friend,
How a boiled lapdog might complexions mend,
Or give the greatest brilliancy to sight,
What made hands the most delicate white.
Long Florio roved about from Miss to Miss,
But never tasted one substantial bliss.
No single woman had sufficient charms
To captivate him to her lovely arms.
He thought each hair upon his head a dart,
And that each hair deserved a woman's heart.
Soft! She comes.
(Enter Lady Pam.)
Pam
Musing, poor forlorn man? Is the disorder of my friend a great
affliction to your lordship?
Count
So much that I cannot explain it. Everything must affect a lover
which endangers the life of a beloved mistress.
Pam
I dare say, my lord, you will be inconsolable for the loss of her
beauty.
Count
Indeed, madam, you wrong me in your opinion. I should never pay
adoration to beauty alone. There are other charms much more attractive
to me. Alas, if beauty was my sole consideration, there are some who
could inspire a much stronger passion than Lady Easy.
Pam (smiling)
Indeed, my lord. Why, I always took Lady Easy to be the handsomest
woman in the kingdom.
Count
Then, your ladyship never viewed yourself in a proper light.
Pam
My lord, you grow rude. A compliment to me is an affront to my sick
friend. Besides, you are insincere. You don't really think I am so
handsome as Lady Easy.
Count
Your glass must convince you that I speak according to my
conscience in giving you preference.
Pam
I have been reflecting on your pretended disregard for beauty. I
find it not only unnatural, but impossible. I am certain you dissemble
in compliment to my sick friend.
Count
'Pon honor, m'am, I vow—
Pam
Stop! Do not vow. Lady Easy is shockingly scarified. The most
advisable thing is to break off the whole affair.
Count
Madam! My honor—
Pam
No, don't protest. I know it is impossible for any man to fall in
love with the mind unless he has a fancy to a beautiful face attached
to it. Since I'm convinced you fell in love with my friend for her
beauty, and that beauty is no more, it is a duty incumbent on the
friendship I profess to her to prevent the match. For, if you had made
her any promise, you high-minded man, your honor may prompt you to keep
it. Yet, that coolness of behavior which necessarily follows distress,
will make her forever miserable. Decidedly, she had better remain
single, or at least, marry one who had never seen her during the
meridian of her charms.
Count
Madam, I'm speechless, I—
Pam
Oh, it's unnecessary to speak. I know your mind. If I deprive you
of what you once thought was a blessing, it is only proper I should
make you some recompense.
Count
I don't know what to say.
Pam
You hoped to marry a beautiful woman. Because of me, you lose her.
Command me, then—to the extent of my power.
Count
The only recompense you could make me, for depriving me of your
friend, would be—to bless me with yourself.
Pam
That would be impossible! Well, I can refuse you nothing, poor
thing.
Count
Allow me to retire to procure the license.
(The Count kisses Lady Pam's hand and exits. Pam, alone, fidgets
about, then sits at the writing table.)
Pam (writing)
Dear Celinda, As your loss of beauty would undoubtedly have
occasioned the loss of your betrothed's affections—that is, my dear,
if you had married the count—I, out of the violence of my affection
for you, and in the extremity of my attachment—have married him
myself. That your delicate nerves might not suffer a shock by the
coldness in my lord's behavior which the want of your charms would
necessarily cause. Therefore, I hope you will consider this sacrifice
on my part in its proper light—and believe I am, with as violent an
attachment as ever, Your sincere friend, Auristella.
(Lady Pam leaves the letter on the writing desk and exits. After a
moment, John enters. He reads the letter.)
John
Money has the power above
The stars and fate to manage love.
Those arrows, learned poets hold,
That never fail—are tipped with gold.
Now I think that Lord Fawn will be best advised to marry Lady Easy. But first, I must extract the money for the Sebastiano.
BLACKOUT
John
Well, I had much fancied myself to be Lady Easy's brother-in-law.
But, as I am not related to Lord Fawn that is impossible.
Count
Lady Pam resents you as much as Lady Easy would have, I'm sure.
John
No, I think Lady Easy would not have born it so well.
Count
Well, we are well come off. I am rich enough, so that I can pay my
creditors.
John
Have you seen your wife lately?
Count
She hasn't spoken to me since she learned you were my brother.
John
I believe she has renewed her attachment to Lady Easy, I mean Lady
Fawn.
Count
Yes. I believe that lady has no great use for her husband either.
John
Lord Fawn treats her with great politeness.
Count
She knew he was marrying her for her money; she has no right to
complain.
John
I've heard she sighs for you on occasion.
Count
Sometimes, I wish—but, let that pass.
(Enter Lord Fawn.)
Fawn
My dear Count. (bowing)
Count
My dear Lord Fawn. (bowing lower)
Fawn
Well, my lord, how do you like matrimony?
Count
Oh! Excellently well. When all other amusements grow stale and
insipid, I can always find an inexhaustible fund of entertainment in
tormenting my wife. But, how does your lordship pass your time?
Fawn
Oh, in much the same manner. Lady Fawn and myself, every day, enjoy
the sublime satisfaction of mortifying each other to the utmost extent
of our considerable abilities.
Count
Damn it—my wife should have belonged to you, and yours to me.
Fawn
I must confess I fancied Lady Pam to the very utmost of the ton. I
believe I could actually have fallen in love with her, if I had been
given to that failing.
Count
And, I confess I had a small weakness for Lady Easy, before her
bout of small pox. Indeed, I don't care, but what—even though her
beauty— Well, I say no more.
Fawn
Her beauty is much restored.
Count
Indeed?
Fawn
Unfortunately, her temper—
Count
That was never very good, yet—
Fawn
Since we have fallen out with our wives, they have fallen in again.
Count
Yes, they have renewed their violent attachment. (pause, musing) As
we are in the zenith of fashion, my lord, suppose we strike a coup
d'eclat.
Fawn
How, my lord?
Count
I'll tell you. We'll dice for 'em. Winner take both.
Fawn
In so doing, we shall play contrary to the practice of gamesters.
For we shall both play with a desire to lose.
Count (producing dice)
Be that as it will, my lord. We shall be diverted. And, such a bet,
you know, will be quite the thing. Will you throw, my lord?
Fawn
With the greatest pleasure. (throws)
Count
Ah—sixes. (throws) Snake eyes. Lady Pam is yours. (aside) How
convenient are loaded dice.
Fawn
Dear, dear. I am so heartily sick of one wife, I fear two will be
too much for me. Take your revenge, sir, please.
Count
But I will not dice for both.
Fawn
For mine only, then.
Count
Very well, but I had rather you keep 'em both. (throws)
Fawn
Sixes. (throws) Snake eyes. Lady Fawn is yours. (aside) Thank
heavens I switched the dice.
John (clapping his hands)
Wonderful, my lords. This is in the very height of the ton.
Fawn
This is an affair of honor. The ladies must be informed
immediately.
John
Allow me to have that privilege. I yearn to see Lady Fawn's face.
(Exit John. Enter Lady Fawn and Lady Pam.)
Pam
We overheard everything.
Lady Fawn
Nothing could be more agreeable.
Pam
This affair is polite in the highest degree.
Lady Fawn
This will render us a coterie and afford us the opportunity of
enjoying variety.
Pam
Oh, I am so glad we have renewed our violent attachment to each
other.
Lady Fawn
We are ready to comply immediately with the decrees of fate.
(Lady Fawn grasps the Count. Lady Pam pinches Lord Fawn.)
Lord Fawn (aghast)
Would I were so ready!
Lady Pam Should you need assistance, we know where to procure the aid of a vigorous footman.
(Enter John.)
John
Did you call, my lady?
CURTAIN
John
The proverb holds:
That to be wise and love,
Is hardly granted to the gods above.
We ask your applause.