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A roadway in a medieval setting. A monk with a sack enters and falls over a rock. Jurgen, a merchant in his early forties, enters from the opposite direction.
Monk
Owww!
Jurgen
Are you all right, brother?
Monk
May the devil who placed this cursed stone in my way kiss my arse!
Jurgen
Fie, brother! Has not the devil enough to bear as it is?
Monk
It hurt my big toe confoundedly. Damn the devil to Hell, I say.
Jurgen
It does not behoove God-fearing persons to speak so ill, and with
such disrespect of the divinely appointed Prince of Darkness. Consider
this monarch's industry! Day and night he toils at the task Heaven set
for him—placing temptations in our way, so that by avoiding them, we
may reach our salvation. And with such consummate skill and
professionalism. Why, but for him, you a monk, and I a pawnbroker—
would be penniless. And think of all the other professionals that would
starve—lawyers, pimps, prostitutes. Why our whole economy would be
disrupted.
Monk
Stuff and nonsense. Fuck the devil and all his works.
(Exit monk with his sack.)
Jurgen
No doubt your notions are pious—but mine are more practical.
(Enter an old monk of very kindly mien.)
Old Monk
Thank you, Jurgen, for your good words.
Jurgen
Who are you? And why do you thank me?
Old Monk
My name is no great matter. But you have a pure heart, Jurgen. May
your life be free from care.
Jurgen
I am already married.
Old Monk
What? How dreadful. Such a fine clever poet like you.
Jurgen
Haven't written a line—not one—since the honeymoon.
Old Monk
Ah, I suppose your wife's opinion about poetry does—
Jurgen
— Does not bear repetition, at least in polite company. I am sure
you are unaccustomed to such language.
Old Monk
I fear Dame Lisa does not understand you, Jurgen.
Jurgen (astounded)
Sir, how is it you read a man's most private thoughts?
Old Monk
It's a knack I have. Tsk, tsk. This is most deplorable. Most
deplorable. The first person to speak well of me in centuries—well,
well, say no more—such a person deserves a reward. Good day, Jurgen.
You will have your wish. And not just one.
(Exit Old Monk.)
Jurgen
Good day to you, sir. Nice, well-behaved gentleman, that.
(Enter a neighbor.)
Jurgen
Good day, neighbor.
Neighbor
Jurgen, Jurgen. Your wife has been carried off by a devil and
disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
Jurgen
Really? When?
Neighbor
Just now. This very moment.
Jurgen
Well, well. A wise man always speaks well of everyone. In a cloud
of smoke, you say?
Neighbor
The devil himself carried her off. Better come at once.
Jurgen
I suppose I should go to make sure. But I have confidence in Lisa.
She can take care of herself in any company. In a cloud of smoke. Fancy
that! Well, it will be quiet at home for a change. Though I may have to
cook my own supper, I fancy I shall digest it better.
Neighbor
Come along.
CURTAIN
In the Garden of Youth. A beautiful garden. Several young lovers in medieval dress. Dorothy la Desiree, a beautiful girl of sixteen, is wandering by herself and meets Jurgen, who enters dressed in a beautiful shirt.
Dorothy
Why have you come to this garden, stranger?
Jurgen
Well, because I am looking for my wife whom I suspect was carried
off by some poor devil.
Dorothy (archly)
You are glad to be rid of her, are you not?
Jurgen
I confess a certain—relief.
Dorothy
Then why are you here?
Jurgen
Because everyone said it was the manly thing to do, to try and find
her. I have always been too deferential to the opinion of mankind.
Dorothy
How did you get here?
Jurgen
You wouldn't believe me. You are a monstrously clever person.
Dorothy
Try me.
Jurgen
A centaur that I met on the road brought me. He gave me this shirt.
Dorothy
That's ridiculous. I don't believe you.
Jurgen
Perfectly all right. You'd be daft if you did. But are you not
Dorothy la Desiree—the only woman I ever loved?
Dorothy
Certainly, I am she. Count Emerrich's daughter.
Jurgen (bitterly)
And the wife of Hetman Michael.
Dorothy
That oaf! I would never marry him.
Jurgen: So you told me when I was young. But you married him all the same.
Dorothy
You're funny. Are you mad? Who are you, friend, that you have such
curious notions about me?
Jurgen
I will answer that question, even though you clearly know the
answer. I am Jurgen.
Dorothy
I know but one Jurgen—and he is much younger than you.
Jurgen
Ah, I understand. I have returned to my youth. I have heard of this
other Jurgen. A monstrously clever fellow—and he loved you.
Dorothy
No more than I love him. A whole summer I have loved him.
Jurgen
The poor devil loved you, too. I can testify to it. For a whole
summer and perhaps all of his life.
Dorothy
You talk in riddles, friend.
Jurgen
That is customary when age talks to youth. For I am a man of forty,
and you—you will be sixteen in two months—for it is August—the
August of a year I had not expected ever to see again.
Dorothy
You really are a strange fellow—but I like you. In fact, I liked
you instantly, as soon as you told me your name was Jurgen.
Jurgen
Well—and what can I do about it? Somehow, I—who am but the shadow
of what I was, walk with the love of my youth. In this same garden,
there was once a boy who loved a girl with such a love as it puzzles me
to think of now. And for a whole summer these two were as brave and
comely and clean a pair of sweethearts as the world has known.
Dorothy
Tell me about yourself, sir. For I love all tales of lovers.
Jurgen
Ah, dear child—if only I could. Who can tell the glory of a first
love—moonlight nights—unreasonable laughter—and the feeling that
suddenly you are—alive. A story not worth raking up at this late date.
Preposterous, really.
Dorothy
What happened then?
Jurgen
There was a difficulty. She was a count's daughter and he was the
son of a pawnbroker.
Dorothy (excited)
I know a case just like it. (curious) What happened?
Jurgen
Well—it seemed a transient discrepancy because our hero intended
to become an Emperor.
Dorothy
And then? And then?
Jurgen
Well—our hero had to go away for a while—and before long he
learned that his lady had married Hetman Michael.
Dorothy
Isn't that strange? There is a Hetman Michael that my family is
plaguing me to marry. But I won't. (thoughtfully) Anyway, go on.
Jurgen
There's nothing further to tell, really. The boy became a
pawnbroker and married a shrew—and suffered ever after until a devil
befriended him and carried off his wife.
Dorothy (disappointed)
So his life was ruined!
Jurgen
To be perfectly honest, no more than most. He met her again in her
married state and decided she was rather dull and stupid—yet—well—
he could not retain his composure in her presence.
Dorothy (interested)
So he still loved her!
Jurgen
My child, you are incurably romantic. He hated her—naturally.
Dorothy (bawling)
Oh—couldn't they have become lovers?
Jurgen
No, it did not work out. She took many lovers—and he, the legend
tells, had many affaires de coeur—but never did these two become
lovers.
Dorothy
What an awful, cynical, stupid story. I am going to leave you.
Jurgen (quickly)
No. Now that I have found you again it would not be possible to
lose you. Not so long as there is Justice upon Earth. Why, there is no
imaginable God who would permit a boy to be robbed of so noble a dream
twice.
Dorothy
You—upset me. It seems to me you are my Jurgen—yet you are not my
Jurgen.
Jurgen
But truly, I am Jurgen, and I have won back that first love whom
every man must lose no matter whom he marries. Had I known you awaited
me in this garden of youth—between dawn and sunrise—I would have had
the heart to live. Surely, you are a reparation. I will not let you
go— for you and you alone are my heart's desire.
Dorothy
Hands off, old lecher! I can't stand an old man!
(Jurgen is pushed off balance and she escapes.)
Jurgen
Well, I am answered—yet, I know it is not the final answer. Am I
so changed?
(Enter Old Monk.)
Old Monk
Good and evil keep exact accounts, and the face of every man is
their ledger.
Jurgen
What is Dorothy doing here?
Old Monk
Why, all women a man has ever loved live here—for very obvious
reasons.
Jurgen
That is a hard saying, friend. This is a world that never was. Was
Dorothy la Desiree an imaginary creature?
Old Man
Poet! Do you not know she was your masterpiece? Actually, she was a
shallow little bitch with passable looks and a bad temper—consider
what a goddess you made from such material.
Jurgen
Who can be proud of such folly? Yet—who can regret it? My heart
will keep the memory of that bliss until life ends.
Old Monk
There is something in that, Jurgen.
Jurgen
What is the good of revisiting one's youth if one is no longer
young?
Old Monk
Do you think that will help?
Jurgen
It can't hurt.
Old Monk
So be it. All who see you now will see you to be Jurgen as you were
twenty years ago. Only your mirror will tell you the truth.
Jurgen
How can I thank you?
Old Monk
It is my pleasure. I like experiments.
(The Old Monk exits.)
Jurgen
Well, it's certainly nice to be young again. Now, where did he go?
Oh, well. Hmm, my shadow certainly isn't that of a young man. Let's
hope no one notices. Look at these doomed people. There is my mother
Azra— she never had any confidence in me—the only woman, I suspect
who really understood me. She will die in ten years—and I won't learn
of it for several months. Ah, but these things are not yet—and
besides, these things are inevitable. Why think about it. Yet the
inevitability of all this is decidedly not fair. And there is Rainault
Vinsauf laughing. In six years he will have his throat cut like a pig
while held by three Burgundians. I wonder if he would laugh quite so
loudly now if he knew that. And I shall forget all about him, although
he is worth three of me. How can they laugh? Still, they may be wise in
not glooming over what is inevitable; and I certainly cannot go so far
as to say they are wrong—but still—at the same time—
(Enter Dorothy. She runs to him.)
Dorothy
There you are. I met the most horrible man.
Jurgen
My heart's desire, I am sad tonight, for I am thinking of what life
will do to us, and what offal the years will make of you and me.
Dorothy
Sweetheart, do we not know you are to be an Emperor and conquer the
Holy Land?
Jurgen
We are more now than we will ever be. Our splendor will be wasted.
And such wastage is not fair.
Dorothy
First, you will conquer France; then you will preach a Crusade and
lead an army against the infidels.
Jurgen
No, heart's desire—I shall be quite otherwise.
Dorothy
How proud I shall be of you.
Jurgen
You will not think of me at all.
Dorothy
Can you really think I care a damn for any man but you?
(Hetman Michael approaches.)
Dorothy
I have promised to dance with this old fart, and so I must. He must
be nearly thirty.
Jurgen
Now, by Heaven, wherever Hetman Michael does his dancing, it will
not be hereabouts.
Michael (very civilly)
I fear I must rob you of this fair lady, Master Jurgen.
Jurgen
The next dance is to be mine.
Michael (good-naturedly)
We must leave it to the lady.
Jurgen
Au contraire. Were I to do that my fate would be sealed. I am not
the same callow thing I was twenty years ago.
Michael (puzzled)
Your remarks, Master Jurgen, are somewhat strange.
Jurgen
But, I will tell you a stranger thing. There seem to be three of us
here, but actually there are four.
Michael
Four
Jurgen
The fourth is a goddess whom no prayers or sacrifice can placate.
Michael
You speak of death?
Jurgen
You have a jumping wit, Hetman. But hardly quick enough to outrun
the whim of the Goddess.
Michael
Ah, my young bantam—the Goddess and I are acquainted—I have
dispatched many stout warriors to serve her underground.
Jurgen
My notion is, Hetman, that the Goddess should not leave us
unescorted. One of us, as a gentleman, cannot fail to accompany her.
Michael
You are insane. But you extend an invitation I cannot possibly
refuse.
Jurgen
Hetman, I bear you no ill will. But it is highly necessary that you
die tonight in order that my soul not perish twenty years hence.
(They draw their swords and fight. Hetman is easily Jurgen's
master.)
Jurgen
This is highly annoying, Hetman. You are the better swordsman and
it is not fair.
Michael (disarming Jurgen)
So now, Master Jurgen—there is the end of your nonsense. But you
needn't wet your pants—I don't intend to kill you—it is not my custom
to kill children—and besides, I prefer to dance with this lady.
(Michael turns his back to Jurgen and offers Dorothy his arm.)
Jurgen
Not this I call insufferable! Did I come back to my youth only to
lost it again? This is unjust.
(Jurgen snatches a dagger and stabs Hetman Michael in the back.)
Michael
Oh, I am slain. (dies)
Dorothy
Oh, dear, dear. But I don't blame you—he was such an old fart and
he was going to carry me off. I'll bet he was over thirty. (thinking
seriously) But, what will become of you? They'll hang you for sure.
Jurgen
I will take my doom—and without whimpers, so that I get justice.
But I shall certainly insist upon Justice. The man was stronger than I
and wanted what I wanted. It wasn't fair. So—I have compromised with
necessity to get that which was requisite to me. I cry for Justice to
the power that gave him strength and gave me weakness—but gave us both
the same desires. (impressively) I have done what I have done.
Dorothy
Oh, my hero. You're so brave.
Jurgen (dragging the body and concealing it under a bench)
Rest here, brave sir, until they find you.
Jurgen
Come to me now, heart's desire. Here I sit, (Dorothy sits on his
lap) with my true love—upon the body of my enemy. Justice is
satisfied. Oh, that I could detain this moment! Could I but get into
words the softness of this girl's hair—for I shall forget all this
beauty—this bedrenching moonlight.
Dorothy
You shouldn't have done it. Even if he was an old fart—he wasn't
so bad.
Jurgen
Whatever the future holds for us—and whatever the happiness we two
may know—we shall find no moment happier than this.
Dorothy
Poor, dear, brave Jurgen. You did all this for me, But, what will
become of you?
Jurgen
Who knows? But I am wiser now than then. So I will not waste the
one real passion I have known—nor leave unfed the one desire of my
life— nor live to regret I did not avail myself of your love before it
was taken from me. Remove your clothes.
Dorothy
Here—over a dead body! Are you mad? What kind of a girl do you
think I am, anyway? And I thought I could trust you. Somebody may come
at any moment.
Jurgen
Then, we have no time to lose.
Dorothy
Let's go to my room.
(Jurgen and Dorothy hurry off, eager for the game; a bell tolls.)
CURTAIN
A cavern. Guenevere lies asleep under a canopy. Jurgen enters and doesn't see the enchanted Princess at first.
Jurgen
Well, well, it's true that enjoyment spoils things—but this is
unheard of. How did I get in this cave? One minute with Dorothy and the
next in the middle of nowhere. What's this? (seeing Guenevere) Well,
well, this lady has certainly been enchanted. Now, there are certain
orthodoxies to be observed in waking an enchanted Princess— and I may
consider myself at liberty to observe them since my wife is nowhere in
the neighborhood. Of that I am tolerably certain, for I hear no
talking. Therefore it is only fair to kiss this Princess. Justice
demands it.
(Without more ado Jurgen gives Guenevere a passionate kiss.)
Guenevere (returning the kiss)
I know you would come.
Jurgen
Did you? I didn't. But, (kissing her again) I am very glad I came.
Guenevere (disengaging after a while)
Time passes, we must fly.
Jurgen
Well, but is there not time for a little fun? For I would deal
fairly with you.
Guenevere
The others are waking, too. Life is very contagious.
Jurgen
Upon my word, this is a delightful place to be leaving.
Guenevere
I am Princess Guenevere—daughter of Gogyrvan, King of Gladthion
and the Red Islands.
Jurgen
I am the Duke of Logreus. (aside) It would be unjust for a
pawnbroker to rescue a Princess. At any rate, not if he would deal
fairly with her.
Guenevere
The troll King Thragnar is responsible for this enchantment.
Jurgen
That ugly fellow I saw as I entered?
Guenevere
We must make a sign of the Cross. He beholds and trembles.
Jurgen
I now regret that I flung away a cross in this neighborhood very
recently—I trust the action was understood. If Dorothy had not
insisted, I would never have thought of doing such a thing. I intended
no reflection upon anybody. I hear him coming this way—Thragnar will
be at hand presently.
Guenevere
Even so—he can do no harm unless we accept a gift from him.
Jurgen
Then, why worry?
Guenevere
The difficulty is that he will come in disguise.
Jurgen
Why, the solution is to accept gifts from no one.
Guenevere
How clever you are. Also, there is a sign by which you can know
him. If you deny what he says, he will always concede you are right.
Jurgen
What an inhuman trait! He ought to be very easy to distinguish.
(Enter a knight in black.)
Knight
Sir Knight, you must yield me that lady.
Jurgen
I would not go so far as to contradict you, but I think you are
mistaken.
(They fight and the black knight is easily killed.)
Jurgen
Do you think that this is Thragnar?
Guenevere
There is no possible way of telling. Yet, he offered nothing—and
you did not quite contradict him, so he didn't agree with you—so that
proves nothing—which is what I just said.
Jurgen
Let's have a look at him.
Guenevere
But that will prove nothing. He is always in disguise.
Jurgen
Such sartorial habits introduce an element of uncertainty. In
justice to ourselves we will just keep on the safe said. (running the
knight through again)
Guenevere
You think of everything. That's what I like about you.
Jurgen
Assuredly, a magic sword is a fine thing, and very necessary
equipment for a knight errant of my advanced age.
Guenevere
Do not talk that way. You are not so old. My husband-to-be, King
Arthur of the Britons is over ninety years old.
Jurgen
You are a Princess of both beauty and discrimination. What, after
all —is forty-two, if one is well preserved? Uncommonly intelligent
lass —reminds me a little of Dorothy. I like this Princess—in fact, I
adore this Princess.
(Enter a woman of about thirty-five carrying a vase.)
Lisa
Oh, my dear Jurgen—how fine you look. I have been with a dark
gentleman who is a great friend of yours. (softly) You must be very
tired, darling. You and the young lady must have a sip of this and then
I'll tell you what happened to me since I was carried off.
Jurgen
It's a long while since I saw you in such an amiable mood, Lisa, my
love.
Lisa (smiling)
I have learned to appreciate you since we separated.
Jurgen
No doubt it took the fiend himself that took you to bring about
that wonder! You see me with a woman and you haven't scratched either
of us. (astounded) Why, you haven't even raised your voice or let out
the teeniest little curse! Where is your jealousy now that there is
reason for it? No, this is a miracle beyond the power of any fiend.
Lisa
Ah, I've done a lot of thinking, Jurgen dear. It seems to me you
were right most of the time.
Guenevere
Did you note that? What woman ever admits that to her husband?
Surely, this is Thragnar in disguise.
Jurgen
In all events it is surely not the woman I married. Lisa—Lisa,
dear— I am through with you. You tire me. You talk too much—no woman
is your equal in volume or continuity of speech—but—you say nothing I
have not heard seven hundred and eighty times at least.
Lisa
You are perfectly right, my dear. But then I never pretended to be
as clever as you.
Guenevere
You see, you see! She cannot contradict you, as any woman would. It
is Thragnar.
Jurgen
Certainly, it is not a woman. (to Lisa) Spare me your beguilements.
Besides, I am in love with this Princess. I know what you would say—
spare me your recriminations. If you had stayed the merry girl I
married, I would love you still—but you elected to become a plain,
meddlesome and short-tempered old shrew.
Lisa
You are perfectly right—from your point of view. But, how could I
help getting older—and it made me so mad, you see.
Guenevere
Old hag! She must be at least thirty-five, if she's a day.
Jurgen
This is an astonishingly inadequate impersonation, Thragnar—as any
married man will tell you. Any remaining claims you have on me, I
regard as manifestly unfair. No alimony. I won't pay a cent. What's
more, I pledge my undying love to this lady—who is—and this will
break your heart—the fairest lady I have ever seen.
Guenevere (simpering)
And besides that, I'm young.
Lisa
You are right. I am entirely to blame. But you will never
understand the feelings of a wife. Here is our wedding ring then,
Jurgen. I give you back your freedom. And I pray that this Princess
will make you very happy, my dear. Happier than I made you. For surely
you deserve a Princess if any man ever did. (sobbing, she offers the
ring)
Jurgen
It is astounding that a demon of your renowned talents should prove
so incompetent an impersonator, Thragnar. It raises the staggering
proposition that most married women must go to Heaven—a thought not to
be entertained by any married man. I am sorry, I can't take the ring. I
am not accepting gifts from anyone today. But you understand, I trust,
that I am hopelessly enamoured of the Princess on account of her
matchless beauty?
Lisa
I cannot blame you, dear. She is the loveliest person I have ever
seen.
Jurgen
Hah, Thragnar! I have you now. A woman might just possibly admit
her own lack of beauty; but no woman that ever breathed would admit her
rival had a rag of good looks, no—not even if she looked like Queen
Helen herself.
(Jurgen runs Lisa through.)
Guenevere (jumping up and down, applauding)
Well done! Bravely done! Now the enchantment is dissolved forever.
(leaping on his neck) My clever hero. My matchless champion.
Jurgen (a little uneasy)
I wish there were some surer sign of that. Shouldn't there be a
clap of thunder or something—and other customary phenomena? Nothing is
changed except that the woman who was talking to me now lies at my
feet—in what must be admitted is a very untidy condition. It annoys me
that Thragnar omitted no detail—not even her crooked little finger.
Such painstaking attention to detail worries me, for you conceive,
Madame, I should not like to make an error in this matter.
Guenevere
You think too much, darling. Thragnar or not—in any event she was
a witch.
Jurgen
Well, in any event, I only tried to do Justice.
Guenevere
Think no more of it. Come, we must go to my father for your reward.
CURTAIN
Somewhere in the King's palace. Enter King Gogyrvan, Guenevere's father and Jurgen.
Gogyrvan
Demand of me what you will, Duke of Logreus—and it is yours for
the asking.
Jurgen
Sir, a service rendered so gladly should be its own reward.
Gogyrvan
I am quite of your opinion.
Jurgen
Therefore, restore to me Princess Guenevere in honorable
marriage—as I am but a poor forlorn widower. I love your daughter with
my whole heart.
Gogyrvan
What has the condition of your heart to do with such an
unreasonable request? My daughter is pledged to Arthur, King of the
Britons. If I were to break the promise, it would mean war—and thank
you—I don't care to fight with that formidable gentleman.
Jurgen (despondent)
Then I must lose Guenevere forever?
Gogyrvan
Did I say that? I merely said Guenevere must marry this Arthur. His
ambassadors, Merlin—a terrible magician—and a witch called the Lady
of the Lake will be here soon to fetch her. In two months. Meanwhile,
you two have youth—and love—for playthings.
Jurgen
Heartless old man—how can I be happy when I must lose her forever?
Gogyrvan
You say that because you think it is expected of you—and because
you had too much wine last night. Would I be insane enough to marry my
daughter to a mere duke? First, you would tire of her. Granted, she is
nice looking—because she takes after my side of the family—but,
between you and me—she's a terrible flirt and not terribly bright.
Second, if you disappoint me, and don't tire of her—she will presently
tire of you. Frankly, she's just like her mother—and I assure you, the
apple hasn't fallen far from the tree—she will always be making eyes
at some man or other.
Jurgen
I had noticed that trait already.
Gogyrvan
Good! You're not as besotted as I thought. This Arthur is going to
have his hands full. She'll be making it with every knight at his
roundtable. Not to mention the grooms.
Jurgen
That is a melancholy prospect.
Gogyrvan
Meanwhile, I do not deny your rights as the champion who rescued
her. No one—least of all me—will criticize you or her—if you make
the most of that turn.
Jurgen
You are a bit liberal in your attitudes towards these things.
Gogyrvan
If you get smart with me, sonny, I'll lock you both up in separate
dungeons till the wedding day. But it strikes me that you should be the
last to grumble.
Jurgen
But critical persons will say that you are taking small care of
your daughter's honor.
Gogyrvan
Well—as to that—though my daughter has always been a quiet little
minx—I never heard that Thragnar was anything of the sort.
Jurgen
Whatever are you hinting?
Gogyrvan
My dear duke. My daughter has been a captive, held in a cave by a
Troll King for several months—and things happen in dark places like
caves even when there is no Troll King present. My job is to marry my
daughter and to ask no unnecessary questions. I rejoice in her rescue.
Such discoveries as may be made by her husband are his concern—not
mine. And I trust her to prevent that sort of thing. Besides, a woman's
honor is concerned with one thing only—and it is a thing with which
the honor of a man is not concerned at all.
Jurgen
Your aphorisms are abominable.
Gogyrvan
Give thanks that you were born a man—and in all matters that
concern my daughter, I would have you lie like a gentleman.
Jurgen
Sir, you are a person of somewhat degraded ideals.
Gogyrvan
Remember, I regard my daughter with considerable affection—if you
should ever be tempted to become candid.
Jurgen (horrified)
But, with the Princess, sire, it is unthinkable that I should not
deal fairly. I would only do simple justice to her.
Gogyrvan
See that you do. And no—be off with you.
Jurgen
One question. Do you think this is reputable conduct in a King?
Gogyrvan
Hardly. It is philanthropy. Good day.
(Gogyrvan leaves.)
Jurgen
Well—I intend the girl no harm. Perhaps what is about to happen
will broaden her ideas—make her more sophisticated—it's been known to
make a woman more attractive. Yes, I shall deal fairly with her—but
let us have a little honest rapture and excitement over this highly
promising situation—is there no heart in this spry young body you have
regained?
BLACKOUT
(When the lights go up, Jurgen and Guenevere enter in whispered
conversation.)
Guenevere
I would never consider such a thing—and whatever must you think of
me to make such a proposal! (primly) Besides, I have no idea what you
are talking about.
Jurgen
It is a matter which can only be explained in private.
Guenevere
If I were to report your insolence to my father—
Jurgen
You would annoy him exceedingly—
Guenevere
He can be a mean old fart at times.
Jurgen
My love is worship and no less. And you have no faith in me!
Guenevere
Very well. I trust you.
Jurgen
Now, swear solemnly to trust me forever in everything.
Guenevere
Well, just this once. I swear. Shall I send for a priest?
Jurgen
My dear, there is no need to trouble a priest about our private
affairs.
Guenevere
Now I regret that I made so solemn an oath. Your trick was unfair!
Jurgen
Has anyone ever accused Jurgen of being unfair? That's my line.
Fear not. I will deal fairly with you.
Guenevere
Ah, but you know that you are doing wrong. (loosening her dress)
Jurgen (innocently, while assisting her expertly)
I, doing wrong! I, who am simply doing my best to entertain you.
Guenevere (still removing her clothing) You know very well what I mean!
Jurgen (still assisting expertly)
But, I protest—I have not the least notion. How can I know what
you mean, when you refuse to tell me what you mean? You should have
your seamstress make a little change here—it will make things easier.
Guenevere
How stupid of you it is to sit there grinning in a way that makes
me blush. It's because nobody ever told me about these things.
(Guenevere is now totally naked.)
Jurgen
Yet, I dare say Thragnar—the Troll King being very wise, must have
made zoology and biology much clearer—
Guenevere
Thragnar was a skilled enchanter, (demurely) and through the
potency of his abominable arts, I can remember nothing about Thragnar.
(wrapping herself expertly about Jurgen)
CURTAIN
Merlin's rooms at Gogyrvan's palace. Merlin is casting a spell when Jurgen enters.
Jurgen
You wished to see me, Merlin Ambrosius?
Merlin
The King is sending Guenevere to Arthur accompanied by one hundred
knights. As evidence of his deplorable sense of humor he has numbered
you among the knights.
Jurgen
That man is neglecting his duties as a father, and that is not
fair.
Merlin
Now it is rumored that you and the Princess are given to conversing
a great deal in private—and Arthur has never approved of—garrulity,
shall we say. For you to come with us to Camelot would be highly
inconvenient—and decidedly dangerous.
Jurgen
Not only that—it would ruin what would otherwise be a perfect
memory.
Merlin
You are well advised. Put Guenevere out of your head—for in your
heart, I think she never was. (showing a crystal ball) Look here.
Jurgen (peering in)
This is horribly embarrassing. I am not used to being seen in such
unclad condition or in such indecent postures.
Merlin
What you see, Duke Logreus, has been seen by me.
Jurgen
Well, if I did that sort of thing, I believe I would blush.
Merlin
Look again.
Jurgen (gasping)
Who's this fellow? How dare he touch the Princess in such an
indecent manner?
Merlin
He is called Lancelot du Lac.
Jurgen
I will challenge him this instant! Why, that two timing—
Merlin (cutting him off)
It has yet to happen—but it is inevitable.
Jurgen
Nothing! Suppose I kill him?
Merlin
You cannot. It is fate.
Jurgen
Well, well, I see the Princess will speedily console herself in my
absence. Hmm. She never did that with me. Does Arthur know this?
Merlin
He was forewarned—but it was useless. His doom was written before
he was born. What must happen will always happen. Foreknowledge is not
prevention.
Jurgen
Still—I shall find it hard to forget the Princess.
Merlin
If you would forget her—take this token to the Druid forest. There
you will meet a brown man who will put Guenevere out of your mind.
Jurgen
What one needs at a time like this is a kind friend. I'll do it.
CURTAIN
The Druid forest. Jurgen enters with the token Merlin gave him.
Jurgen
Brr! It will be amusing to see what comes of this business—not
that I believe for a moment in such nonsense. Still, it is unjust to
deny nonsense a fair trial.
(A brown man dressed in a monk's habit enters. He is playing on a
reed pipe.)
Jurgen (showing the token)
Praise be to you, Lord of the Two Truths. I have come to thee to
learn thy secret. I would know thee for what thou art.
Brown Man
I am everything that was and that is to be. No man has been able to
discover what I am. (examining the token) Merlin dared not to come
himself because Merlin is wise.
Jurgen
What are you about to show me?
Brown Man
The nothingness that is everything.
(Jurgen stares as if hypnotized, then struggles to free himself from
the trance.)
Jurgen (screaming)
It is not true. What you have shown me is nonsense. It is
sorcery—and abominable blasphemy. In a word, it is something I do not
choose to believe.
Brown man (smiling)
Even so, you do believe me.
Jurgen
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Brown Man
Merlin would have died without regret to see what I have shown you.
No other mortal has seen it.
Jurgen
Why, if there is a bit of truth in your silly puppetry, this world
is but a bubble—a bubble which contains the sun and the moon and the
blue stars—and still is but a bubble. I must cleanse my mind of this
foulness. You would have me believe that men, all men who have ever or
shall ever live, are of no importance. That even I am of no importance!
Brown Man
Wisdom like that vexes you—doesn't it?
Jurgen
Why, there would be no justice in such an arrangement. No justice
at all.
Brown Man
It vexes even me at times—but it is Koschei's will.
Jurgen
Who is Koschei?
Brown Man
He who made things as they are.
Jurgen
Never heard of him.
Brown Man
He never heard of you either.
Jurgen
It is too terrible to be believed.
Brown Man
How if I killed you now—I being what I am! Make answer, you who
chatter about Justice.
Jurgen
You can kill me—but it is beyond your power to make me believe
that I am unimportant. I will not believe in the insignificance if
Jurgen.
Brown Man
Fool! Have you not just seen what you never can forget?
Jurgen
I think, therefore—I am. I am—therefore I refuse to believe I
ever will not be. I am—if nothing else, a monstrous clever fellow—and
somehow I will contrive a trick to cheat oblivion when the need arises.
Of course, you may be right, and certainly, I cannot go so far as to
say you are wrong—but still—at the same time—
Brown Man
Before a fool's opinion of himself, even the gods are
powerless—and envious, too.
CURTAIN
Jurgen is at a window in the castle of King Gogyrvan. He is watching the departure of Guenevere.
Jurgen
Farewell, Queen of my heart.
(Trumpets sound. A beautiful woman approaches.)
Anaitis
Arthur will have a beautiful Queen.
Jurgen
Yes. He is greatly to be envied. But, why do you not ride with
them, as you were an ambassador like Merlin?
Anaitis
My part was ended when I introduced the young Queen to my nephew,
Lancelot du Lac.
Jurgen
Is it true you reared him at the bottom of a lake?
Anaitis
Yes, it is true.
Jurgen
A rather odd way to be reared, I should think. Must have been a
strange childhood.
Anaitis
He has grown to be an upstanding knight. He will do me great
credit. By now Guenevere agrees with me. And so, my part is done and I
am off.
Jurgen
Back to your lake?
Anaitis
No. I am off for Cockaigne.
Jurgen
And what is this Cockaigne?
Anaitis
It is an island where I rule.
Jurgen
I had always heard you referred to as the Lady of the Lake. I
always fancied you at the bottom of your pool. I didn't realize you
were a Queen, Madame.
Anaitis
Why, there are many things unknown to you in this uncertain world.
Man has nothing except his own body—and yet it is capable of much
curious pleasure.
Jurgen
I believe you speak wisely.
Anaitis
All in Cockaigne are wise; for that is our religion. But what are
you thinking, Duke of Logreus?
Jurgen
That your eyes are unlike the eyes of any other woman that I have
ever seen.
Anaitis
Why, then you must come with me to Cockaigne and see if you cannot
discover wherein lies that difference. For it is not a matter I would
care to leave unsettled.
Jurgen
Well, that seems only just to you. Yes, I certainly must deal
fairly with you.
(The scenery changes. Erotic sculptures descend and the window
disappears, to be replaced by torrid vistas of tropical skies.)
Jurgen
Now certainly, Queen Anaitis, you have an unusual taste in
sculpture. I think that fellow there is carrying things to extremes.
(pointing to a Hindu god in rapture)
Anaitis
Well, we have arrived safely.
Jurgen
It was curious.
Anaitis
What was?
Jurgen
The crew of your ship.
Anaitis
What of them?
Jurgen
I never saw any of them.
Anaitis
They are well disciplined mariners.
Jurgen
Not a one. I could hear them though. Sounded like bats chirping.
They are hardly common seamen.
Anaitis
They are outlanders and speak a language of their own.
Jurgen
Hum! Perhaps we should now turn to the pursuit of those curious
pleasures which you were telling of.
Anaitis
I am very willing—but there is a ceremony to perform.
Jurgen
What is this ceremony?
Anaitis
It is called the breaking of the veil.
Jurgen
I will taste any drink once.
(Anaitis claps her hands. A hooded man with a lance enters.)
Hooded Man
Behold the lance which must serve you in this adventure.
Jurgen (taking the lance)
I accept the adventure because I believe the weapon to be
trustworthy.
Hooded Man
So be it! But, as you are, so once was I.
Jurgen
I wonder what he means by that?
(Jurgen takes the lance and shakes it. The tip is red with blood.)
Jurgen
I am a man born of woman. Behold! I am found worthy to create that
which I may not comprehend.
Anaitis
May your strength be as the flame of the sun. (kneeling, she
touches the erect lance lovingly) By the power of the lifted lance.
Hooded Man
So be it.
Jurgen
I upraise you above all things.
Anaitis
When the lance is lifted, I speak with the tongue of every woman
and my eyes shine with the eyes of every woman, I who am daughter to
the sun.
Jurgen (muttering)
This is confusing. I thought she was a lake goddess or something.
Anaitis
I, who am all pleasure, all ruin, and a drunkenness of the
senses—I desire you.
Jurgen (holding the lance erect)
There comes no other god where I am. My will is justice.
Hooded Man
So be it! But, as you are, so once was I.
Jurgen (under his breath)
Now what does he mean anyway? (resting the tip of the lance in
Anaitis' hands) I am life and the giver of life. Open, therefore, the
way of creation. For that is the law. That is justice.
Anaitis
In Cockaigne there is no law save “Do that which seems good to
you.”
Hooded Man
The ceremony is ended.
(The Hooded Man turns on his heel and exits.)
Jurgen
I wish that fellow had stayed. I wanted to have a word with him.
Well, well, these mummeries are a little old fashioned. Still, woman
must be humored.
Anaitis
I am a mystery. A mystery of nature.
Jurgen
No matter what you are, my dear—I am sure that presently you will
tell me all about it. I know you will deal fairly with me.
Anaitis
I shall do what becomes me, Duke Jurgen.
Jurgen
Precisely, my dear. Be true to yourself whatever happens. Now, I
have noticed that every woman is most true to herself in the dark.
Anaitis (twining around him)
That, I'll prove.
QUICK BLACKOUT
(Cockaigne, the Palace of Anaitis. When the lights go up, Jurgen and
Anaitis enter in conversation.)
Jurgen
You mean to say that silly ceremony was a marriage ceremony?
Anaitis
Certainly, my dear. I am a very respectable woman.
Jurgen
Well, never did a monstrously clever fellow marry a high Queen with
less premeditation.
Anaitis (soothingly)
You were controlled by the finger of fate.
Jurgen
That makes one seem rather trivial.
Anaitis
By the long arm of coincidence, then.
Jurgen
That's more appropriate—more dignified—as if I were so small a
thing as a finger.
Anaitis
I never, in all my incarnations, had such a Prince Consort. You
talk so flippantly.
Jurgen
Nothing of the sort. Just because I am a little puzzled by your
erotic dances, your weird sex practices, your shocking caresses—which
I admit do you credit, nonetheless—and although I admire both your
inventiveness and your industry—
Anaitis
You don't love me at all—and you mock religion. It's very
disturbing.
Jurgen
But, darling—aren't you just the least, littlest, tiniest, very
smallest trifle—bigoted?
Anaitis
How dare you?
Jurgen
Just because I lack your ardor in celebrating certain tenets of
your religion—no one admires these ceremonials more than I do—but I
find the constant repetition of these ceremonials causing, shall we
say, a lack of firmness in my responses. In short, darling, that is all
there is to it.
Anaitis
Oh, never mind! I wish you would spend less time in the library and
more time with me, that's all.
Jurgen
The library is the only place where I can avoid your guests.
Anaitis
It is necessary for one in my position to entertain, more or less.
I can't close the door against my own relatives.
Jurgen
Such riffraff, though, my darling. I cannot congratulate you on
your kindred. I do not get on at all well with people who are part man,
part bull, or goat or what not. Priapos is the only fellow who comes
here looking like a complete human being—and I had rather he stayed
away, because even I am a bit envious of him.
Anaitis
And why, pray?
Jurgen
Well, while I go reasonable well equipped with Caliban, Priapos
carries a lance I frankly envy.
Anaitis
It is a showy weapon, certainly—but not much use in actual combat.
Jurgen
My darling! And how do you know?
Anaitis
Why, Jurgen—how do women always know these things? By intuition, I
suppose.
Jurgen
So! You admit you judge things by feeling them, rather than by
reason. So be it! But, to get back to the congenial task of criticizing
your kindred—your cousin Apis, for example is a good sort—but, say
what you will, it is ill-advised for him to go about with a bull's
head. It puts me out when I try to talk with him. So needlessly
conspicuous.
Anaitis
But, I really must invite him.
Jurgen
Even so, my dear, in issuing invitations a hostess may fairly
presuppose her guests will not make beasts of themselves. To come in
such a zoologically muddled condition shows a certain lack of respect
for you, my darling.
Anaitis
But, it's all in the family. Sometimes, I despair of your taking
your proper place in the social life of Cockaigne.
Jurgen
But they have no conversation. I am driven to the verge of virtue
by their imbecility. And as for your female relations—
Anaitis (instantly jealous)
Which of those sluts has been making up to you? Ishtar? Aphrodite?
Jurgen
Now, some of them are enticing enough.
Anaitis
I knew it! But you need not think you deluded me.
Jurgen
Be reasonable, darling. Cousin Io, for example, is incarnated as a
heifer, Venus as a swan, and Thouieris as a hippopotamus. How can you
reasonably be jealous of ladies with such taste in dress?
Anaitis
And I know perfectly well who it is! It is Diana, that Ephesian
hussy! Very well—very well, indeed. I shall have a plain word or two
with her at once. The sooner she gets herself and her big chest out of
my house, the better. I shall be quite frank with her. And, as for you,
Jurgen—
Jurgen
But, my dear Lisa—
Anaitis
Why do you call me Lisa? Lisa was never a name of mine in any of my
incarnations.
Jurgen
Slip of the tongue, my pet—an involuntary, but natural association
of ideas. As for Diana of the Ephesians—she reminds me of a pine cone
with that eruption of breasts all over her, I can assure you.
Anaitis
I'll just bet.
Jurgen
You have no cause to be jealous. Never was I interested in a woman
with more or less than two breasts in my life. In fact, I was always
more of a leg man. Anyway, you know my heart is ever faithful.
Anaitis
It is not your heart I am worrying over, Jurgen, for I believe you
have none.
Jurgen
Now, that's not fair.
Anaitis
You have quite succeeded in worrying me to distraction, if that is
any comfort to you. However, let us not talk of it. It is now
absolutely imperative that I go to Armenia to take part in the mourning
for Tammouz. People will not understand if I were absent from such an
important orgy.
Jurgen (giving her a husbandly kiss)
Be off and attend to your religious duties, my dear. I will stay
here in the library until you come back.
Anaitis
Double dealer! You're up to something.
Jurgen
My love, you appear positively unable to keep away from virtuous
persons. But why bother about them? Why tire yourself proselytizing?
You might be so much more agreeably employed. Tempting anchorites can
hardly be fun. Be tolerant of all things. In spite of all Heaven's
efforts, man's mingled nature is apt to develop a strain of
respectability.
Anaitis (going)
You just have no religious sense.
Jurgen
Enjoy the orgy.
(Anaitis leaves in a huff.)
Jurgen
Well, well, even the pleasures of Cockaigne do not entirely satisfy
me. No, it is something else I desire—and Anaitis does not quite
understand me. Her point of view is all very well—maybe death does end
all things; yet if the outcome proved otherwise, how much more pleasant
for all concerned to have established amicable relations with the
overlords of the second life by doing whatever they expect of one here.
And I do feel something is expected of me. Reason assures me that I am
indispensable to the universe; but with reason somehow does not travel
belief. I simply lack the credulity to be a free-thinking materialist.
To believe that we know nothing assuredly, and cannot ever know
anything with certainty—takes too much on faith. Therefore, I shall
see to it that Jurgen does nothing which he cannot more or less
plausibly excuse in the case of supernatural inquiries. That is far
safer and only just. Why is it, then, I am not content? It seems to me
there is some injustice being perpetrated on Jurgen, somewhere.
CURTAIN
Cockaigne, a few months later. Jurgen is talking to Anaitis.
Jurgen
And you say I have to leave?
Anaitis
The Master Philologist says so.
Jurgen
It seems as though I hardly got here.
Anaitis
I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen.
Jurgen
Well, well, beyond doubt the situation is awkward. I was content
enough in Cockaigne and it is unfair that I should be thus ousted. But,
where will I go?
Anaitis
Into whatever land you may elect, dear. That much I was able to
manage for you.
Jurgen
But I grow tired of all the countries I have ever seen. I have
visited nearly all lands known to man.
Anaitis
That, too, has been arranged. You can go instead into one of the
countries desired by men. Places never visited except in dreams.
Jurgen
How am I to choose without having seen them? It isn't fair.
Anaitis
Why, I will show them to you. (she holds a crystal ball for Jurgen)
It is Time's own glass which was left in my keeping when Time went to
sleep.
Jurgen (peering)
What place is this?
Anaitis
Atlantis. Now look again.
Jurgen
Humm. No different from Cockaigne, I'd say. Into no realm of
endless pleasure will I ever venture again. Glorified brothel, that.
I'd always expect to be raided by the police.
Anaitis
Here is Arcadia.
Jurgen
I don't relish living in the forest eating nuts.
Anaitis
Here is Leuke, where Queen Helen rules.
Jurgen
Well, it looks all right—if the local by-laws allow me a rational
amount of comfort.
Anaitis
Discomfort you would have in full measure. For the heart of no man
remains untroubled after he has once viewed Queen Helen and the
matchless beauty that is hers. I will not help you to go into Leuke,
for you would forget me once you have seen Queen Helen.
Jurgen
What nonsense you are talking, my darling. I'll wager she cannot
hold a candle to you.
Anaitis (sadly)
See for yourself!
Jurgen (peering in, slyly)
But, certainly this is not the Helen whose beauty launched a
thousand ships?
Anaitis
I assure you that it is—and it is she who rules Leuke—whither I
do not intend that you shall go.
Jurgen
But, darling, this is preposterous. The woman is nothing to look
twice at. To call her beautiful is exaggeration, and I must protest in
simple justice.
Anaitis (brightening)
Do you really think so?
Jurgen
Most assuredly, my love. Do you remember what Calpurnius Bassus
says about blondes?
Anaitis
No, I believe not. What did he say, dear?
Jurgen
I would spoil the splendid passage by quoting it inaccurately from
memory. But he was right. His opinion is mine in every particular. An
inferior kind of beauty. So, if Helen is the best Leuke can offer, I
had best go somewhere else.
Anaitis
Oh! I see, some other little slut has taken your fancy.
Jurgen
There was a bull dancer in Atlantis—a tasty morsel by the look of
her. Quite an acrobat, too. Now she might content me for a while. She
resembled you, dear—that's why I like her—very close resemblance,
except that she had a better figure. If I must part with you, I intend,
in common fairness to myself, to find a companion as like you as
possible. You understand, I can pretend it is you at first, then
gradually, imperceptibly you will fade from my memory without my
experiencing any intolerable anguish.
Anaitis
So, you're already hankering after those sluts! And you dare to say
they are better looking than I am! And you tell me so to my face!
Jurgen
There's no deceiving a woman's intuition. Yes, I love that little
dancer in Atlantis. Who can blame me? Such a gorgeous figure. Yes, I
elect to go to Atlantis.
Anaitis
Do you so! Do you so!
Jurgen
If not Atlantis, then Arcadia. There was a little shepherdess I saw
with a matchless bosom. Too good to be wasted on some filthy shepherd.
Anaitis
Where you go, my fine fellow, is a matter over which I have
control.
Jurgen
Then, do the fair thing and send me some place I'll be happy.
Anaitis
You are going to Leuke.
Jurgen
I absolutely refuse.
Anaitis
We'll see about that.
Jurgen
My love, do be reasonable! We both agreed Leuke was totally
unsuitable. Why, there are no attractive women there.
Anaitis
It is for that reason that I am sending you there. (she waves her
scepter and the scene changes) I, at least, will miss you. Farewell,
Jurgen.
(Anaitis disappears behind the scenery.)
Jurgen
Thank you, darling. I appreciate your kindness—and I foresaw it.
But, this little trick was for your own good—it would be painful if
you allowed your jealousy to overcome your better nature.
(Chloris, a pretty hamadryad comes up and stares at Jurgen.
Jurgen
So, this is Leuke. (to the hamadryad) How might I come into the
presence of Queen Helen.
Chloris
You may gaze at Queen Helen between the hours of four and six every
day at her palace at Pseudopolis. The public is welcome.
Jurgen
And is the Queen as fair as people report?
Chloris
Men say that she excels all other women immeasurably.
Jurgen
And what do women say?
Chloris
Women say that she excels all other women to the same degree that
her husband excels all other men.
Jurgen
Married? I was not told that. I suspect Anaitis may have seen a
little deeper into my character than I expected, the bitch.
Chloris
I, for one, see nothing remarkable in Queen Helen's looks. Frankly,
I think that a woman who has been so much talked about ought to be a
bit more careful in the way she dresses.
Jurgen
And, who is the lucky fellow to whom the Queen is married? Another
forgiving cuckold like Menaleus, I trust.
Chloris
Why, to shining Achilles, the son of Peleus.
Jurgen
You mean that big bruiser who killed Hector of Troy?
Chloris
The same.
Jurgen
I thought he himself was killed by Paris.
Chloris
So he was—but he caused so much of a fuss in Hades when he
recalled her beauty that he started on a second quest for Helen. Then
the gods gave Helen to Achilles because they said a man who has once
beheld Queen Helen will never regain contentment. Personally, I dislike
to think men are so foolish.
Jurgen
Men are not always rational—but then so many of their ancestresses
are feminine.
Chloris
But, an ancestress is always feminine. Why, whatever are you
talking about?
Jurgen
Why, Queen Helen.
Chloris
Quite so. Well, the gods desired tranquility, so they gave Helen to
Achilles just to cool him down. You know when he starts howling, it
frightens everyone. They also reasoned that Achilles, being such a
brave champion, would keep her away from other men and thus stop the
usual sort of trouble from starting all over again. The gods want no
more Trojan Wars. So Achilles got her—though for my part, I shall
never cease to wonder what he saw in her—no, not if I live to be a
thousand.
Jurgen
Thank you, very much for your information, young lady. I must
observe this monarch Achilles before the world is a day older. A King
is all very well—but no husband wears a crown that prevents the
affixation of other headgear. I'm sure he won't feel the decoration at
all.
(Exit Jurgen. Chloris watches him leave.)
Chloris
Such a nice young man—but he talks so funny. Well, maybe someday
I'll meet someone. It's no fun being a hamadryad and staying alone in
the woods taking care of an old tree. Why couldn't I have been born a
nymph? It isn't fair.
BLACKOUT
(The lights go up almost immediately. Jurgen returns, looking
dejected.)
Chloris
Hello. Back again, so soon?
Jurgen (mournfully)
Yes, back again.
Chloris
Did you see the Queen?
Jurgen
Not exactly. I saw Achilles. Quite a man, that Achilles. He bends
horseshoes with three fingers. Throws a spear right through an armored
chariot.
Chloris
And what have you to say about Queen Helen?
Jurgen
Why, there is nothing more to say of any woman when she has such a
husband. I admire Achilles, I envy Achilles—and in a word, I fear
Achilles. And it is not fair that he should be a better man than I—
but he is.
Chloris
But, is the Queen not the loveliest lady you have ever seen?
(Jurgen produces a mirror and motions Chloris to look.)
Chloris
Why, it is only a mirror. All I see is my face.
Jurgen
It is the answer to your question. Now, do you tell me your name,
my dear, so that I may know who, in reality, is the loveliest of all
the ladies that I have ever seen.
Chloris
My name is Chloris, the Hamadryad. And I look a fright today.
You're a strangely impudent fellow.
Jurgen
Doubtless. It is hereditary. I am King Jurgen of Eubonia.
Chloris
Why did you leave your kingdom?
Jurgen
Why, I had heard exaggerated reports about the beauty of Queen
Helen.
Chloris
Rumor, in such cases, is invariably untrustworthy. But, how does a
King come to be traveling without any retainers—or even a sword—
about him.
Jurgen
I am incognito—but I have a staff, my dear. I keep it concealed.
(opening his robe) It suffices me.
Chloris
Certainly, it is large enough, in all conscience. You call yourself
a King, but you carry the bludgeon of a highwayman, and I am afraid of
it.
Jurgen
Presently, you will not be afraid of me or my staff.
Chloris
I think I hear someone coming.
Jurgen
Do not fear—I have my staff.
Chloris
Ah, you have great faith in that staff of yours.
Jurgen
I fear no man when I brandish it.
Chloris
But, others fear you?
Jurgen
Possibly. For I am Jurgen, and I deal fairly with all women, and
raise my staff against none save in the way of kindness.
(Jurgen pulls her to him.)
BLACKOUT
(The lights go up. Chloris is weeping.)
Chloris
I think we should be married.
Jurgen
I already have two wives and it is only fair to confess it.
Chloris
But, you just got here today!
Jurgen
That is true.
Chloris
Then Jugatinus has not had time to marry you—and he would never
marry you to two wives.
Jurgen
No. Jugatinus, whoever he is, didn't marry me on either occasion.
Chloris
So there. That settles it. Now you see for yourself.
Jurgen
To be sure, that does put a different light on it.
Chloris
It makes all the difference in the world.
Jurgen
I would hardly go that far.
Chloris
Why, you talk as if everybody did not know that Jugatinus marries
people.
Jurgen
Be fair. I didn't say that.
Chloris
And as if everybody was not always married by Jugatinus.
Jurgen
Here in Leuke, but not outside of Leuke.
Chloris
But nobody leaves Leuke. I never heard such nonsense.
Jurgen
Still, the people of other countries do get married.
Chloris (patiently)
No, Jurgen. Jugatinus never leaves Leuke—so how can they?
Jurgen
Ah, but in Eubonia—
Chloris
Let's talk of something else. I do not blame you men of Eubonia—
because men are all such swine—so they can't help it. Still, women
ought to have the strength of character to keep out of such irregular
relationships. So, do not let us talk about these persons you are so
delicate as to describe as your wives. I appreciate your nobility, but
let's drop it.
Jurgen
Still, in the absence of Jugatinus, might not someone else—
Chloris
Nonsense. Nobody but Jugatinus can really marry people. And so, no
one else does.
Jurgen
What makes you so sure of that?
Chloris
Why, because nobody ever heard of such a thing.
Jurgen
That is an entire code of philosophy. Be that as it may. Let us, by
all means, go to Jugatinus and be married. I yearn for respectability.
CURTAIN
Jurgen is lead in under guard by some soldiers. The Priest
and the Queen of Philistia observe.)
Priest
Lead in the prisoner.
(Jurgen is brought forward.)
Priest
You are an obsolete illusion. Now that we of Philistia have
conquered Leuke, all such as you will be tossed in the ashcan of
history and myth.
Jurgen (stoutly)
I am no illusion. I am flesh and blood—and besides, I am the high
King of Eubonia. In disputing these facts you contest circumstances so
well known hereabouts as to rank among mathematical certainties—and
that makes you look foolish, as I tell you for your own good.
Priest (angrily)
We would have you know that we are not mathematicians—and we have
no King in Philistia—where all must do what is expected of them.
Jurgen
How, then, can you be the leaders of Philistia?
Priest
Why, it is expected that women and priests should behave
unaccountably. Therefore, all we who are women or priests, do what we
will—and the men obey us. And it is we, the priests of Philistia, who
do not think you can possibly have any flesh and blood under a shirt
which we recognize to be a conventional figure of speech.
Jurgen
It is the shirt of Nessus.
Priest
It does not stand to reason. And certainly you could not ever prove
such a thing by mathematics and to say so is nonsense.
Jurgen
But, I can prove it by mathematics. I can prove anything you
require, by whatever means you prefer—for the simple reason that I am
a monstrously clever fellow.
Queen (to the Priest)
I have studied mathematics. I will question this young man in
privacy. You may go.
Priest (leaving)
Hail Queen Dolores, Empress of Philistia and the adjacent isles.
(Priest and guards exit.)
Queen
Now, you who claim to be flesh and blood—and King of Eubonia,
too— what is this nonsense you were talking of proving by mathematics?
Jurgen
Well, but my mathematics are Praxagorean.
Queen
What! Do you mean Praxagoras of Cos?
Jurgen
As if anybody had ever heard of any other Praxagoras.
Queen
But he belonged the to medical school of the Dogmatici and was
particularly celebrated for his researches in anatomy. Was he a
mathematician?
Jurgen
The two are not incongruous, Madame—as I would be delighted to
demonstrate.
Queen
Oh, I think I have heard of this school—though I have never
studied it.
Jurgen
Our school postulates that mathematics is best inculcated by a
concrete example.
Queen
That sounds rather complicated.
Jurgen
It can lead to complications.
Queen
Come, then—sit next to me—and explain what you mean.
Jurgen
Why, Madame, by a concrete example, I mean one that is perceptible
to the senses, such as sight—and touch.
Queen
Oh, oh—now I perceive what you mean by a concrete example. And
grasping this—I understand that complications must arise from the
choice of a wrong example.
Jurgen
Well, then, Madame, it is first necessary to implant in you—by the
force of example—a lively sense of the whole science of Praxagorean
mathematics.
Queen
I perceive your point. Go on. I want a penetrating demonstration.
But, what is become of your concrete example?
Jurgen
It is ready for you, Madame.
Queen
Be prepared to reason deeply.
BLACKOUT
(When the lights go up, Jurgen is with the Queen, who is dressing.)
Queen
Certainly this Praxagorean system is fascinating. You must teach me
the higher branches. We can arrange some compromise with the priests—
that is always possible with the priests of Philistia. And, as for your
hamadryad—I will attend to her myself.
Jurgen
No, I am ready enough, in all conscience, to compromise elsewhere;
but to compromise with the forces of Philistia is the one thing I
cannot do.
Queen
Do you mean that, King of Eubonia?
Jurgen
I mean it as I mean nothing else. You Philistines are in many ways
an admirable people. In all ways you are formidable. So, I admire, I
dread, I avoid, and, at the very last pinch—I defy. For you are not my
people, and willy-nilly, my gorge rises against your laws as insane and
abhorrent. Mind you though, I assert nothing. I cannot go so far as to
say you are wrong—but still, at the same time! That is the way I feel
about it. So I, who compromise with everything else, can make no
compromise with Philistia.
Queen
What a pity! Very well, then.
(The Queen claps her hands. The Priest enters with several other
priests.)
Priests Hail, Dolores, Empress of Philistia.
Priest (to Jurgen)
You must be relegated to the limbo of your fathers—as was foretold
in the prophecies—in order that the prophecies may be fulfilled. Now,
it appears that the progenitors of this flesh and blood prisoner were
of a different faith than the Greeks who inhabit Leuke—and his fathers
foretold a limbo called Hell.
Jurgen (contemptuously)
It is little you know of the religions of Eubonia!
Priest
We have it written down in this great book—without blot or error.
Jurgen
Then, you will see that the King of Eubonia is the autocratic head
of the Church and can alter all prophecies at will. Learned Golwais
says so directly, and the judicious Stevegonius was forced to agree
with him.
Priest
Two notorious heretics. It was settled once and for all by the Diet
of Othmar.
Jurgen
Hmm. You haven't read them in the light of Vessler's commentaries.
And that is why you underrate Golwais and Stevegonius.
Priest
Vessler is a heretic.
Jurgen
What!
Priest
I tell you, I have been roused to indignation by his Historia de
bello Veneris.
Jurgen
You surprise me.
Priest
Shocked by his Pornoboscodidascolo.
Jurgen
I can hardly believe it, even so, you must grant—
Priest
And horrified by his Liber de immortalitate Mentulae.
Jurgen
Conceding that—still, at the same time—
Priest
And disgusted by his de Modo coeundi.
Jurgen
None the less—
Priest
And shuddered at his unspeakable Erotopaegnion!
Jurgen
Still—you cannot deny—
Priest
And have read the confutation of Golwais by Zanchius, Faventius and
Tomas Geaminus.
Jurgen
You are very exact, sir, but—
Priest
In short, I have read every book you can imagine.
Jurgen
Sir, I expose you. You are fabricating. You cite books which never
existed, by authors who never existed, to refute a book by an author I
myself fabricated. What do you say to that?
All Priests TO HELL WITH YOU!
Jurgen
And I thought you were polite, reasonable men.
(Enter Chloris, led by a guard.)
Chloris
Farewell, Jurgen. I care nothing of what these priests of Philistia
say about me. But woodsmen are felling my tree to make a bed for the
Queen of Philistia.
Jurgen (to the Queen)
Is this true?
(The Queen smiles and nods.)
Priest
It is what the Queen ordered the first thing this morning.
Jurgen
You women! What man would ever have thought of that!
Chloris
When my tree is felled, I must depart to Hades and I must taste of
Lethe and forget all I have loved.
Jurgen
You should give thanks to your forefathers that your fate is no
worse. I am to be banished to Hell—a barbaric place where people are
actually tortured for their sins. See the danger of having a morbid
ancestry. Dear girl, so long as you remember me—do so with charity.
Chloris
Jurgen, you were never unkind. I have loved you well.
Jurgen
And I you. Not with a heroic love, nor with madness and high
dreams— but with a love befitting my condition—a quiet, gentlemanly,
middle- aged love.
Chloris
Jurgen, you have loved me as much as you were able. No matter, you
are Jurgen, and I have loved you.
Priest
Lead them to their fates.
Queen
Reconsider, Jurgen.
Jurgen
Never!
Priest
To Hell with him!
CURTAIN
Hell. Several devils are torturing sinners. Enter Jurgen.
Devil
Now, who may you be that come to us still alive?
Jurgen
It would not be treating honestly with you to deny that I am the
Emperor Jurgen.
Devil
But, we are rather overrun with Emperors and politicians. Their
crimes are a great trouble to us. Were you a very wicked Prince?
Jurgen
Never since I became Emperor has one of my subjects uttered a
complaint against me.
Devil
Either you cut out their tongues or you scared the Hell out of
them, didn't you?
Second Devil
Your conscience then, does not demand that you be punished?
Jurgen
My conscience, gentlemen, is too well bred to insist on anything.
Devil (skeptically)
You don't even wish to be tortured?
Jurgen
Not at all. I had expected something of the sort— (brightly) But I
will not make a point of it. In fact, I shall be quite satisfied
without it.
Devil
Well, well, this is very fine. We like you. You must be the only
unpretentious person in Hell. You wouldn't believe the self-conceit of
most ghosts. Their demands are outrageous.
Jurgen
Really, I should hardly think that.
Devil
Why, we have to punish them until they are convinced that their
sufferings are just and adequate. You have no notion what elaborate
tortures some people insist on. Especially people with nice
consciences. It quite tires us out.
Second Devil
What's a poor devil to do?
Jurgen
Why is this place called the Hell of my fathers?
Devil
Because your fathers built it in dreams.
Jurgen
Whatever for?
Devil
Out of the ridiculous notion that whatever they did on earth was of
eternal importance. Pitiful self-conceit.
Jurgen
I quite agree. And all my forefathers are here, you say?
Devil
Only the ones with what is known as a conscience.
Jurgen
Then, I'm sure that I don't belong here.
Devil
Do you suppose you could persuade some of your relatives to go
elsewhere? They are really a terrible nuisance.
Jurgen
I will try to obtain justice for you. Dispensing justice is my
imperial duty. Let me talk to your leader.
Devil
Oh—you'll want to see Grandfather Satan.
Jurgen
I always prefer to deal directly with a principal.
(A devil passes by, beating an old man.)
Jurgen
Say, I know that old sinner from somewhere.
Devil
Him. He's the worst person here. There is absolutely no pleasing
that man!
Jurgen
Nobody knows that better than I. Good day, Father.
Coth
Eh? Who are you that bids me good day? It is a terrible day. Can't
you see that I'm suffering horribly, stupid?
Jurgen
Don't you know me, Dad?
Coth
How should I know you, when I never saw you before in my life? Is
this kid stupid or what?
(The Devil beats the old man as they go off.)
Jurgen
Humph.
(Enter Grandfather Satan.)
Devil
Here comes Grandfather Satan now. You can talk to him.
Jurgen
What is the meaning of this insane country? There is no sense in
it— and no fairness either.
Satan
Why, that is what I was telling my wife last night.
Jurgen
You have a wife, then? Why, that explains a lot. Either as a
Christian or as a married man, I should have known that was your due.
And how do you get on with her?
Satan
Pretty wall, but she does not understand me.
Jurgen
Et tu, Brute.
Satan
Are you making some derogatory remark?
Jurgen
No, no. Just pondering the fate of all poor devils.
Satan
You have a complaint, I take it—about the accommodations? Well, in
this hotel we don't take complaints. We can make it worse, but not
better.
Jurgen
It is not as it was rumored to be in my capital at Breschau.
Satan
And where is that?
Jurgen
In Noumaria, where I am Emperor. You know where that is?
Satan
Of course, I have studied geography. You have to know everything in
a job like this. And I've often heard of you—though never of your
being Emperor.
Jurgen
This place is simply not in touch with new ideas.
Satan
It's the war with Heaven. It takes up too much of my time. In any
event, what can I do for you, my distinguished guest?
Jurgen
I want to know how this hellish place was created.
Satan
It was done by Koschei—who makes things as they are—to humor the
pride of your forefathers.
Jurgen
I think he might properly have humbled their pride.
Satan
No, no. Koschei will do almost anything to humor pride, for it is
the one thing impossible to Koschei. And your forefathers were
exceedingly boastful of their sins.
Jurgen
I should think Koschei would be very proud—making everything.
Satan
But there is nothing else, you see. How then can Koschei be proud?
Jurgen
Ah, I see. It's like listening to one's own poems.
Satan
Exactly. Or directing one's own play.
Jurgen
Well, I am of the firm opinion Koschei should never have given in
to the impulse to make this place. However, since he did, you must
assist me to leave it.
Satan
Why is that?
Jurgen
Because I am the Emperor Jurgen, that's why—and a monstrously
clever fellow—and I don't care for this place.
Satan
I am sorry, but once you check in, you don't check out for a while.
Jurgen
How long must I stay?
Satan
I don't know. It depends entirely on what your father thinks about
it.
Jurgen
Why, in that case I may never leave. But what has he to do with it?
Satan
Since everything here is here because of his absurd notions of
guilt— as you so frequently have proved by logic. Everything. Even
you.
Jurgen
Hum! I shall have to have a word with the old gentleman.
Satan
Meanwhile, you are my guest. Would you care to see your room.
Delightful view of the inferno.
BLACKOUT
(When the lights go up, Jurgen and Coth are arguing.)
Coth
Now that I look at you, rascal, I can see very well that you are my
son. Small wonder I meet you here. And how is it that a worthless
creature like you became an Emperor?
Jurgen
Is this a place to talk about earthly dignities? I am surprised,
sir, that your mind still runs on empty vanities.
Coth
Don't be sassy with me, you whippersnapper. Anyway, there is no
justice in this place—and no way of getting justice.
Jurgen
But, Father, your crimes do not amount to very much.
Coth (raging)
Is that so? And what do you know? I killed eight men in cold blood.
Jurgen
But that was fifty years ago—and much more interesting things have
happened since.
Coth
I broke the Sabbath many times.
Jurgen
Pooh!
Coth
I spoke disrespectfully to my mother!
Jurgen
Pish!
Coth
I committed adultery.
Jurgen
Well, that, at least, is more interesting to talk of—how many
times?
Coth
Seven. Seven times.
Jurgen
Is that all?
Coth
That's what your mother said.
Jurgen
A very perspicacious question. But what does it matter if you did
all that and more?
Coth
Oh, go away. This is a torment beyond endurance to be plagued by
silly questions. I demand you lazy devils apply more fuel. These coals
are not hot enough.
Devil
We are doing the very best we can, Milord, but your tastes are very
difficult to satisfy.
Coth
All I want is a little service.
Devil
Fuel is in very short supply. There is a war on.
Jurgen
Dad, I think you should be less demanding. After a man has been
dead a little while, what does it matter what he did?
Coth
But, my conscience, my son—that is the point.
Jurgen
Why do you insist on restricting the conversation to matters I do
not understand? After all, we haven't seen each other in many years and
we might well talk a bit of pleasanter things. I appear to be here for
an indefinite stay, so we can talk of your guilt another time.
Coth (primly)
Your presence is a comfort to me that my sins do not justify.
Jurgen
Why, do you actually care about me, one way or the other?
Coth (weeping)
You were an idle, rebellious young wastrel, but I loved you as a
father must love his only son.
Jurgen
Hum. I never thought you did. And that may have had something to do
with my rebelliousness—though I don't mean to excuse myself.
Coth
Don't worry. I'll never forgive you for it, you no good. All you
ever had was excuses.
Jurgen
I wonder when you think I'll get out of here?
Coth
I have no idea.
Jurgen (coaxingly)
Yes, but what do you think?
Coth
You have a very uncivil habit of arguing with people.
Jurgen
Still, sir—
Coth
I have spoken to you about it many times—
Jurgen
That's true, but nonetheless—
Coth
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Jurgen
And I say, that—
Coth (shouting)
When I say that I have no opinion—
Jurgen (shouting)
But everyone has an opinion, Father.
Coth
How dare you speak to me in that tone of voice!
Jurgen
I am fully grown and speak as I please.
Coth
Lord, what a torment. Why, this is worse than Hell!
Jurgen
Here's a pretty Father. Having imagined me in this place, you might
at least imagine me out of it.
Coth
I can only think of your well merited affliction and of the host of
light women with whom you have sinned.
Jurgen
Host, you say? Well, that's something. (slyly) Surely, there are no
women here.
Coth
I think there are women here. It is reported that quite a number of
women have consciences. But the women are kept separate for good
reason. Your Mother would be meddling out of hand.
Jurgen (nettled)
Are you still finding fault with Mother?
Coth
She was, in many ways, an admirable woman, but she never understood
me.
Jurgen
That was probably true. I understand how that could be. But still,
I say this is nonsense about women being here.
Coth
It is not! How many times must I tell you that? And I want no more
of your impudence.
Jurgen
I wager they are all ugly.
Coth
They are not! Why do you keep contradicting me?
Jurgen
Because you don't know what you're talking about. How could there
be any women here? Is this a place for a lady? Besides, their flesh and
bones would be cinders.
Coth
There are any number of vampires and succubae here. And they do not
burn because the creatures are endowed with passions more hot than
fire.
Jurgen
Indeed! Well, I must stay away from them.
Coth
You lie! I think you are on your way to meet a vampire even now.
Jurgen
What—a hideous vampire?
Coth
No, a seductive, beautiful, deadly vampire.
Jurgen
She can't be beautiful. You can't think that!
Coth
How dare you tell me what I think and do not think! I do think she
is beautiful.
Jurgen
Well, I mean to have nothing to do with her.
Coth
I think you will. You will be up to your tricks with her
immediately. Aren't you an Emperor—and aren't you my son? Come, Mr.
Devil, beat me away—I can't bear to watch what is about to happen.
(The Devil beats Coth as they go off. Enter Florimel from the other
direction.)
Jurgen
A good morning to you, Madame, and whither are you going?
Florimel
Why, no place particular—this is my vacation—with none of my
ordinary annoyances to bother me.
Jurgen
And what could annoy so beautiful a vamp as you?
Florimel
Why, the trouble of seducing and murdering very naïve and likeable
young men.
Jurgen
But, how did you happen to become a vampire if the profession does
not pleas you? And what is your name, anyway?
Florimel
I'm Florimel. I used to be a flower girl. Florimel, the flower
girl. But one day I fell ill and died. It could happen to anyone.
Jurgen
But most women who die don't become vamps, do they?
Florimel
Oh, it was such bad luck. I have a stupid, thrifty sister. It was
all her fault and it isn't fair.
Jurgen
But, what happened?
Florimel
Oh, as my funeral was leaving the house, a cat jumped over my
coffin. It would have been perfectly all right in the end—they caught
the cat and were going to kill it. My sister wouldn't let them!
Jurgen
She must have loved the cat.
Florimel
Not a bit of it. Someone wanted to buy it because it was a good
mouser. She was simply too cheap to forego the money.
Jurgen
Typical family relationships.
Florimel
So, of course, I became a vampire.
Jurgen
Yes, I see it was inevitable. Still, it hardly seems fair. I pity
you, my dear.
Florimel (sobbing)
A nice girl like me. But, who are you?
Jurgen
I am Jurgen, Emperor of Noumaria, King of Eubonia, Prince of
Cockaigne, and Duke of Logreus. I am incognito at the moment, but
doubtless you've heard of me.
Florimel (patting her hair straight)
To be sure! Who would have expected to meet your Highness here?
Jurgen
One says “Majesty” to an Emperor. A detail, of course, but protocol
is protocol.
Florimel
Of course, Your Majesty—you will excuse my lack of breeding. I am
only a poor flower girl.
Jurgen (graciously)
Think nothing of it. I will see that your vacation passes
pleasantly. I intend to deal fairly with you. I must say, my father
imagines things very satisfactorily at times.
BLACKOUT
(When the lights go up, Jurgen is in conversation with a Devil.)
Devil
So, you have married a vampire?
Jurgen
Yes, but not for long. She is only on a two week vacation—and that
is as long as most good marriages last.
Devil
Why, we approve of marriage, Jurgen.
Jurgen
Approve of it?
Devil
Certainly. Is it not written: “It is better to marry than to burn”?
Marriage is a truly unique torture, most often self-inflicted—and
beyond anything we poor devils can manage.
Jurgen
I thought all marriages were made in Heaven.
Devil
In the past. But since the war broke out, we have taken the trade
away from the enemy. You may marry here as much as you like.
Jurgen
I shall marry in haste and repent at leisure. But, can one divorce
here?
Devil
Oh, no. That would be like a remission of punishment—something
that is never allowed. We trafficked in divorce for a while, but
practically everyone who obtained one promptly thanked Heaven—which
was not what we had in mind.
Jurgen
What do you do in Hell when there is no longer any putting up with
your wives?
Devil
We would prefer not to tell you, for it might get back to their
ears.
Jurgen
Hum! Hell is pretty much like any other place. I wonder if my first
wife, Dame Lisa, is hereabouts. I certainly wished her here often
enough.
Devil
Your wife was a shrew and the sort who believes whatever she does
is right?
Jurgen
Yes. That was kind of a mania with her.
Devil
Then, she can't possibly be here.
Jurgen
You tell me news which, if widely known, would lead many men into a
deliberate course of vicious living.
Devil
People are saved by Faith. And who has more faith in herself—in
her own infallibility—than a mean tempered wife?
Jurgen
You mean my Empress, the formidable tempered Dame Lisa, is in
heaven?
Devil
Where else? Plainly, your wife was the sort that can be tolerated
only by angels.
Jurgen
Humph! Well, I must do the manly thing and find her.
Devil
But, if you find her, what will you do then?
Jurgen
That I don't know. But I must search for her. Public opinion
insists it is my duty.
Devil
Well, if you must, then do so. But we are sorry to see such a
monstrously clever fellow going to such a benighted country ruled by an
Autocrat who was not duly elected by his people.
Jurgen
I never thought of God as being an elected post.
Devil
Unfortunately, neither did he.
CURTAIN
The Pearly Gates. The young Jurgen, a boy of about ten, sits at the gates as a door keeper. Jurgen enters.
Jurgen
A good day to you, my fine young fellow. What are you thinking of
so intently?
Young Jurgen
Sir, I was pitying the poor damned.
Jurgen
Why, you must be Origen.
Young Jurgen
No, my name is Jurgen.
Jurgen
Hum! You do look familiar. Very possibly you speak the truth.
Young Jurgen
I am Jurgen, son of Coth and Azra.
Jurgen
Ah, but so were the others.
Young Jurgen
I am Jurgen, the grandson of Steinvor—the one she loved above all
her other grandchildren. So, I abide forever in Heaven with all the
illusions of Steinvor. But, who are you, with the fine looking shirt?
Jurgen
I am Pope John the 20th, though I really ought not to tell you.
Young Jurgen
Let me look at the guest register. All Popes are admitted
immediately without inquiry into their private affairs—to avoid any
tincture of scandal. And we have twenty-three Pope Johns listed. Sure
enough, the mansion for Pope John the 20th is vacant. He seems to be
the only Pope not actually in Heaven.
Jurgen
Of course not. Can't you see I'm right here?
Young Jurgen (checking his computer)
None of the others in your series can place you. John the 19th says
he never heard of you.
Jurgen
How could he? He died before me. What a dolt I must have been at
your age.
Young Jurgen
And John the 21st says he thinks they lost count and there never
was a Pope John the 20th. You must be an imposter.
Jurgen
Child, can't you even do simple arithmetic? How could there be a
21st if there wasn't a 20th? And what becomes of the principle of papal
infallibility if there was a mistake like that?
Young Jurgen (fumbling with his computer)
But, still—
Jurgen
Either this John the 21st, who says there was no John the 20th, is
lying or he is telling the truth. If he is lying, don't believe him. If
he is telling the truth, then quite plainly there was never any Pope
John the 21st—and therefore, because I don't exist, neither does
he—which is nonsense.
Young Jurgen
Yes, sir, it all sounds very logical.
Jurgen
Even did we grant his insane contention that he is nobody, then in
accordance with the proposition that nobody lies in Heaven—nobody is
lying, so therefore, I must be speaking the truth, and you must believe
me. Q.E.D.
Young Jurgen
That makes a lot of sense. You reason exactly as I do.
Jurgen
Why, it's a mathematical certainty.
Young Jurgen
Well, I'm going to let you in.
Jurgen
Ah, if only Lisa could see me now. Is my Grandfather King Smoit
here?
Young Jurgen
No, no. My Grandmother never imagined that either her husband or
her lover would go to Heaven—so they didn't.
Jurgen
This is a circumstance which heartens me to hope one may find
Justice here. Yet, I'd best avoid Grandma—her illusion of me is pretty
far from reality.
CURTAIN
God's Throne. God is seated on high, surrounded by angels. Jurgen enters and stands, looking up.
Jurgen
I fear you—and, yes, I love you—and yet, I cannot believe. Why
could you not let me believe when so many others believed? Why could
you not let me have faith—for you gave me faith in nothing—not even
in nothingness? It's not fair.
God
I was never your God, Jurgen.
Jurgen
Once—very long ago. I had faith in you once.
God
No, that boy is here with me. And there is nothing of that boy in
Jurgen the man.
Jurgen
God of my Grandmother! God of my childhood. Why is it I am denied a
God? Why can I never find Justice?
God
Would you look for Justice in Heaven of all places?
Jurgen
No, I perceive it cannot be here.
God
You have looked to find your God without. Never even looking within
to see what is truly worshipped by the thoughts of Jurgen.
Jurgen
Ah, at least he is a monstrously clever fellow.
God
Doubtless, I do not meet many clever people here. Your god had
neither love nor hate—not even for his only worshipper.
Jurgen (after a moment)
That's true. But then, you are only the delusion of my Grandmother.
God
That also is true. She would be contented with no rational
explanation of things. She was a real skeptic. She refused to believe
in things as they are.
Jurgen
That's Granny, for sure.
God
For your Grandmother, things as they are were only temporary
afflictions. And so, she demanded to be taken to Heaven when she died.
Jurgen
Just like her. Don't spare the horses. And so she came here.
God
No, there was no such place. And she wouldn't be persuaded—so they
brought her to Koschei—and Koschei made Heaven for her, so that she
would leave him in peace: for your Grandmother is a very persistent and
garrulous woman. And so, Jurgen, Koschei created me at that time.
Jurgen
But, how did he do it? How could he juggle things around like that?
God
Don't ask me. I am but the illusion of an old woman and am totally
ignorant of celestial mechanics and all that.
Jurgen
All of this to please a woman who was not even faithful to her
husband!
God
Koschei will do almost anything to humor love—for love is
impossible to Koschei.
Jurgen
I thought pride was impossible to Koschei.
God
What is pride?
Jurgen
But, why is love impossible to Koschei?
God
How should I know? I am only the illusion of an adulterous old
woman.
Jurgen
Well, well. I certainly cannot presume to contradict you.
God
You have proven it often by logic.
Jurgen
Even now that we are face to face, I do not quite believe in you.
God
Who could expect a clever fellow who sees so clearly through the
illusions of an old woman to do that?
Jurgen
I am glad that things are arranged now so believers will not be
disappointed. It is only fair that the faith they had in you forced
even Koschei to be reasonable. And though I cannot quite believe in
you, I believe there was never any other deity who had such dear
worshippers—for you were loved by those whom I loved dearly very long
ago.
God
Who could have expected such a monstrously clever fellow to be so
mawkish about the illusions of an old woman?
Jurgen
Perhaps, everything is true, in a way, even though it isn't. Now
that wouldn't be a bad solution.
God (smiling and descending from his throne)
Well, I can't answer that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some
Heavenly business to attend to.
Jurgen
Oh, no ceremony, no ceremony.
(As soon as God exits, with his angels, Jurgen seats himself on
God's Throne.)
Jurgen
Well, you have been Duke, Prince, King, Emperor, and Pope. Do such
dignities content you? Not at all! What will you do now? Fretful
Jurgen, you who always complained because you had not your desire. What
now is your desire? This scepter and this throne avail me not. For I am
Jurgen who seeks he knows not what. For hereabouts are none of my
illusions—and I must now return to such illusions as are congenial.
After all—one must believe in something. All that I see here, I envy
and admire—but I don't believe a word of it. And therefore, with
nothing here will I be satisfied. I am going to see the manager!
CURTAIN
The backstage area filled with old props. There is a sign that says “Office of the Manager", beneath which Koschei sits puzzling out his accounts. Enter Jurgen.
Koschei
You find me busy with stellar accounts—which appear to be in a
fearful muddle, as usual. But, what can I do for you, Jurgen? For you,
my friend who spoke a kind word for things as they are?
Jurgen
I have been thinking, Prince—
Koschei
And, why do you call me a Prince?
Jurgen
I do not know, sir. But I suspect that my quest is ended and that
you are Koschei the Deathless.
Koschei
Something of the sort. My real name no man has ever heard, so we
need hardly mention it.
Jurgen
Precisely, Prince. But I have come to learn why you made things as
they.
Koschei
Why, how else could I make them? Could I make them as they are not?
Jurgen
But Justice, great Prince! Justice! It seems to me that things are
to quite fair.
Koschei
But, friend, I have nothing to do with Justice. On the contrary, I
am Koschei, who made things as they are.
Jurgen
Your reasoning, Prince, is unanswerable. I bow to it. I should have
foreseen.
Koschei
Certainly, a clever clap like you.
Jurgen
But, would you tell me then, what is this thing that I desire but
cannot find in any realm man has known or dared to imagine?
Koschei
I am not a psychiatrist, Jurgen. I am afraid I cannot answer your
question on the spur of the moment. The desires of man seem to be as
multitudinous as they are inconstant. In short, I haven't the foggiest.
Jurgen
You mean even you don't know what I want?
Koschei
No, not the least notion. If you don't know your own mind it is a
little thick for you to expect me to help out.
Jurgen
Still—
Koschei
I suspect if you get whatever it is you do want, you would be happy
with it. I more or less fix things that way. So, why worry about it?
Jurgen
But, haven't you been guiding my footsteps on my recent pilgrimage?
Koschei
Why, I do remember meeting you with great pleasure, but I must
confess I have had one or two other things to do. Don't look so
dejected. The universe is a big place.
Jurgen (petulantly)
You are trying to spare my feelings. You can't mean you don't know
and don't care about all I've been through!
Koschei
Something like that. But, do reflect: I wish I thought myself half
so important as you think you are.
Jurgen (to himself)
This Koschei is not particularly intelligent. But, why should I
expect Koschei to be intelligent?
Koschei
What are you muttering?
Jurgen
I was reflecting that it was not very intelligent of me to expect
you, great Prince Koschei, to care about poor me.
Koschei
Oh, I see. Very astute.
Jurgen (aside)
Or to expect Koschei to be clever. This goes far toward explaining
a lot of things. Cleverness is the most admirable trait—but cleverness
is never at the top and never has been.
Koschei
What's that?
Jurgen
I was saying that my wife is not a model of cleverness and her
society must be a burden to you by now.
Koschei
I am not accustomed to women. And I was willing to oblige a fellow
rebel.
Jurgen
But I, Prince, have always conformed to the custom.
Koschei
Your lips conformed, but all the while, you made verses. And poetry
is man's rebellion against what he is.
Jurgen
But, is it possible that Koschei, who made all things as they are,
is a rebel?
Koschei
Let us say it is possible.
Jurgen
Well, be that as it may—I am no longer sure—I wish to put this
delicately—that you obliged me by carrying off my wife.
Koschei
What! You want the plague of your life back again?
Jurgen
Well, I'm not absolutely sure. But, I'm rather used to her—to
having her about.
Koschei
Come, friend. You were a poet of some merit. The trouble was that
your wife did not understand you.
Jurgen
True, true. But it's not good for a man to live alone.
Koschei
I have the ideal wife for you.
(Koschei claps his hands. Guenevere enters.)
Jurgen
Guenevere. But even more beautiful than when I saw you last.
Koschei
She is Queen Guenevere, now. A bit more beautiful for having
suffered for love of Lancelot. There's nothing like the smell of
another man or woman to make her attractive. But she will be your wife,
if you will have her.
Jurgen
Do you remember me, Guenevere?
Guenevere
No.
Jurgen
Hum. It must be that I no longer look so young. We will pass over
the unflattering explanation that you have simply forgotten the
unforgettable Jurgen. (pause) It seems as though I never really loved
any other woman, save Guenevere, for again you made me think myself a
god. Queen Guenevere, when man recognized himself God's vicar on earth,
it was to protect and glorify you. Beautiful and frail, you were half
goddess and half child. I recognize the call of chivalry— and yet, I
am not longer sure I am God's vicar upon earth—and somehow, I suspect
God, if he had his druthers, would have selected a more competent
representative. I dare not love you—yet I cannot help it.
Guenevere
Of course you cannot help it—for I am Guenevere.
Jurgen
Madame and Queen. Once there was a man who worshipped all women.
They were to him of a sacred, sweet, intimidating beauty. Then was
shown to him a woman whom he once had loved—just as she was—not as he
believed her to be—the goddess was unveiled to display such mediocrity
that he wondered he once had loved her. Then he began to suspect that
all women are like their parents, no wiser, no more subtle, no more
immaculate than the mother who begot them. Madame and Queen, it is not
good for any man to suspect this.
Guenevere
Certainly it is not the conduct of a chivalrous man or a true poet.
Farewell to you then, Jurgen, for I am leaving you forever. It was said
that, in making me, God used both hands. Approaching me, men thought of
God. What I willed was neither right nor wrong: it was divine. And it
is I that am leaving you forever.
(Guenevere turns on her heel and leaves, affronted.)
Jurgen
It is a sorrowful thing that's happening.
Koschei (cheerfully)
Let's try again.
(Koschei claps his hands. Anaitis enters.)
Jurgen
Anaitis! I believe that I am actually blushing.
Anaitis
Come with me, Jurgen
Jurgen
Back to Cockaigne?
Anaitis
No. That is a small country cottage. You must see my palaces. In
Babylon I have a palace where many abide with cords about them and burn
incense while awaiting their fate. In Alexandria I have a palace
wherein it is always night—and there folk seek for monstrous pleasures
even at the price of instant death.
Koschei
She tempts rather nicely.
Jurgen
Sweetheart, your pictures are painted with the daydreams of
inexperience You forget you are talking to a widely married man. I
remember your ecstasies—but these things—these overmastering frenzies
you are talking about—I've never found the flesh whose touch roused
insanity.
Anaitis
Ah, Jurgen, and I thought you were a real man.
Jurgen
I think I lack the imagination. To pretend that what my body does
or endures is of importance seems rather silly nowadays. And so, love,
be off with you.
Anaitis
Farewell to you then, Jurgen, for it is I who am leaving you
forever. Live tepidly if you will. Henceforward you must—for I, and
only I can awaken the desire that consumes a man entire—and so wastes
nothing— even though I leave that favored man forever like burned
ashes. Join with the greybeards and the eunuchs, then—for I am leaving
you forever.
(Anaitis exits in a huff.)
Jurgen
It's a sorrowful thing that's happening—and a very unfair one to
boot. Farewell, Queen Anaitis.
Koschei
You really are hard to please. One last chance.
(Koschei claps. Enter Helen of Troy. Helen looks like Dorothy la
Desiree. Jurgen kneels and shields his face.)
Jurgen
Lady of my vision, now Troy's sons are all in Hades, fire has
consumed the walls of Troy—and the years have forgotten her golden
conquerors —and still, you bring woe on woe to hapless men. Now, you
are within arms reach—now, when I am no longer fit to mate with your
perfection. For we who are taxpayers, as well as immortal souls, must
live by politic evasions; we fall insensibly to common sense as to a
drug—and whatever is rebellious, and fine, and unreasonable—is dead
past resurrection. No man living who has reached my years is anything
but the lackey of prudence and half measures. (passionately) Yet, even
now, I love more than all this world. What more can an old poet say?
(dejectedly) For that reason, lady, I pray you begone—because your
loveliness is unendurable (in anguish) and a taunt past bearing. Upon
my tomb let it be carved, “Queen Helen ruled this man while he remained
worthy.” (pause) But that was long ago. (gathering courage) And so,
farewell to you, Queen Helen. Your beauty has been to me as a robber
that stripped my life of joy and sorrow. Because of you I have loved no
woman. And so, farewell to you, Queen Helen!
(Helen turns and leaves without a word.)
Jurgen
It is so unfair!
Koschei
Some people are rather hard to please.
Jurgen (recovering his aplomb)
In selecting a wife, sir, there are all sorts of considerations. I
do not prefer matrimony, you conceive—but in the presence of those
beauties, I twaddled like a schoolmaster. Decidedly, Lisa is right, I
am no poet. However, when I last saw her, she seemed somewhat less
outspoken.
Koschei
But, you conceive, she was under a very potent spell.
Jurgen
Prince, you produce the most charming of women—but forget you are
displaying them to a man of forty and something.
Koschei
Does that make so great a difference?
Jurgen
Oh, in so many ways. As one gets on, one handles one's sword less
creditably, and one does not carry so heavy a staff as one once
flourished. He no longer practices mathematics, and no longer reasons
deeply—in fact, it is a relief.
Koschei
I cannot believe that, with the flower of all womanhood before you,
you prefer your termagant wife.
Jurgen
I am, as usual, undecided. Couldn't you let me see her for a bit?
(Koschei claps. Lisa enters.)
Koschei
Very well, but I warn you, the charm has worn off.
Lisa
So, you bastard, you tried to get rid of me! Why didn't you just
have me murdered? Oh, no. Too easy. You had me carried off by a devil.
You'll pay for this.
Jurgen
I think I will take her back, Prince.
Koschei (horrified)
Think it over carefully. Don't forget the poet you might have
been—
Lisa (whirling on Koschei)
You, shut up!
Koschei
I beg your pardon.
Lisa
You heard what I said! Interfering in a family quarrel! Who do you
think you are, anyway?
Koschei
I am Koschei the Deathless.
Lisa
A likely story! As if I believe that. Now, Jurgen, don't just stand
there with your mouth open like a dead fish. Did you hear him call me a
termagant—now are you going to protect me from the insults this scum
hurls at me, or are you just going to stand there like the big coward I
know you are? I guess I know the answer to that! I have been patient
with you a long time, Jurgen—but how you can expect me to stay with
you, I don't know—you are enough to drive a person mad. So, you'd
better get home, right now. If you don't come—well, never come again,
that's all. There's plenty of men who find me very attractive. So
there!
(Lisa flounces out.)
Koschei
You had better stay here. You won't get any sleep if you go home.
Jurgen
No. I'd better be going. She'll only be worse if I don't make
things up with her. Thank you for the kind offer.
Koschei
I really find this hard to believe—and I made things as they are.
Jurgen
Well, if you were a married person, you might understand. She
really isn't too bad, and besides, practically every marriage is like
that.
Koschei
I really didn't give enough attention to marital relations when I
was making things as they are.
Jurgen (wryly)
I have often thought that.
Koschei
You might as profitably oppose a hurricane as a wife. Yet, you want
her back. Now I do not commend your wisdom—but your bravery I regard
as astounding.
Jurgen (modestly)
I often wonder at it myself.
Koschei
I manage affairs as best I can—but they get in a fearful muddle
sometimes, and while I am infallible—mistakes do occur. Next time, if
there is a next time, I will give more attention to details of this
nature.
Jurgen
Yes. It's details of this sort that muck up the whole scheme of
things.
Koschei
One thing, before you go.
Jurgen
What is that?
Koschei
I am going to change things.
Jurgen
Eh?
Koschei
None of the things you remember since you met that monk on the road
and put in a word for me, none of those things happened.
Jurgen
How can you manage that?
Koschei
That is my business. I am the author, so to speak, and I'm doing a
bit of editing. And so, farewell to you, poor Jurgen, to whom nothing
in particular has happened.
Jurgen
Is this Justice?
Koschei
No, but something infinitely more acceptable.
Jurgen
What's that?
Koschei
Peace of mind.
Jurgen
I think you are right. And so, I ask you but one more question.
What pleasure do you get out of all this?
Koschei
I contemplate the spectacle with the appropriate emotion—have no
fear. And so, goodbye.
(Enter Dorothy la Desiree as a Countess.)
Dorothy
May I speak to you a moment, Messire the pawnbroker?
Jurgen
Very willingly, Countess.
Dorothy
I though you might pass this way. You conceive it would not be
fitting for Hetman Michael's wife to enter your filthy shop.
Jurgen
Hum!
Dorothy
My husband's birthday approaches and I wish to buy him a gift
without troubling him for the money. How much, abominable usurer, can
you advance me for this necklace?
Jurgen
Forty English pounds.
Dorothy
But, that is not a fraction of its worth.
Jurgen
If you care to sell it outright?
Dorothy
Old monster! You know I cannot do that. I could not explain it.
Jurgen
I could make you an imitation, so that you could veil
any—sacrifices —that are made necessary by your affection.
Dorothy
I must have a hundred English pounds and not a penny less.
Jurgen
If Messire de Nerac could manage to visit me—I am sure we could
manage this business without any annoyance to Hetman Michael.
Dorothy
Nerac will come then. And you may give him the money precisely as
though it were for him.
Jurgen
Yes, I prefer that. An estimable young man. A pity his debts are so
large. He lost so heavily at dice with the Cardinal last night.
Dorothy
He has promised me that—I mean, Master Inquisitive, that I take a
considerable interest in that knight's welfare. He is a near cousin of
mine. And that is all I mean!
Jurgen
Precisely, Madame—he will come tomorrow at my shop. I shall always
be delighted to serve you. And I will deal fairly with you.
Dorothy (relieved)
That is all. I must get back. Merci.
(Dorothy leaves hurriedly.)
Jurgen
In effect, I am offering to pimp for her, because as she grows
older she will need more and more money to hold her lovers. She is
handsome still—but young men have no conscience about older
mistresses. Well, I'd better get home. Nothing whatever has happened.
(suddenly frightened) Good Lord, I promised Lisa to bring butter and
I've forgotten it. Am I in for it!
(Jurgen rushes off, greatly concerned.)
CURTAIN