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Etext by Dagny
CHARACTERS:
Virgie Goodrich, a Congressional Aide, good-looking, but rather
sexless in demeanor
Paul Horton, a distinguished, intellectual Congressman in his
mid-forties
Bill Walton, a Congressman of the poker-playing,
hail-fellow-well-met
variety in his mid-forties
Man, a bill collector
Arlene, Horton's ex-wife, extremely attractive with an insinuating
southern charm, in her mid-twenties
Vanessa Edmonds, a well-dressed, somewhat affected woman in her
late-twenties
Diane Brennan, Vanessa's protégé and side-kick, a little younger
than Vanessa, she tends to echo whatever Vanessa says
First Sheik, a non-speaking role*
Second Sheik, a non-speaking role*
* The parts of the Sheiks may be doubled since they only appear in burnooses and robes at the end.
The scene is Congressman Paul Horton's bachelor apartment. There is a piano and a couch. Several doors leading into the bedroom and other rooms in the apartment.
Virgie Goodrich is the Congressman's Aide and girl Friday (or as she would have it “person Friday"). Virgie is all business, dressed in a unisex style pant suit with a string necktie. She is a model of aggressive dressing. Virgie is talking to a fairly well-dressed man who has come to collect a bill.
Virgie
I tell you, you cannot see the Congressman right now. He's in a
conference and he won't be available for several hours.
Man (sitting down)
Then, I'll wait.
Virgie
Why don't you tell me what this is all about? I'm his Legislative
Aide and I can probably handle it.
Man
It's not the sort of thing—
Virgie
You may wind up cooling your heels a long time if you don't.
Man
I'm sure the Congressman will prefer that I not discuss it with
anyone but himself.
Virgie
You can leave your name and number with me. I'll have the
Congressman call you.
Man
No.
Virgie
I don't like the tone of this. If you refuse to discuss the matter
with me, I'll have to ask you to leave.
Man
The matter is personal.
Virgie
Either you explain it to me or you get out. If you don't get out,
I'll have the police throw you out.
Man
You really put me in an awkward situation. Here. (giving her some
papers) It's self-explanatory and you can see why I thought it best to
speak to the Congressman personally.
Virgie (gasping)
Oh, dear, this is too much.
Man
Will you pay it or not?
Virgie
This is more than I can manage. I'll speak to the Congressman.
(Enter Paul Horton from his study. Horton is a well-dressed
intellectual-looking man in his early forties.)
Paul
I'm Paul Horton. Can I help you? (to Virgie) I heard shouting. Is
something wrong?
Virgie (giving Paul the papers)
Here, take a look. Two thousand dollars this time.
Paul
Whew! (to the Man) I am going to pay you. (the doorbell rings) Go
get that, will you, Virgie?
(Exit Virgie.)
Man
I can wait.
Paul
Will you take a check?
Man
Certainly, Congressman.
Paul
I prefer to pay you in cash.
Man
I understand perfectly.
Paul
You'll have to wait a few minutes. I'm expecting some money
shortly.
Man
I can be very patient.
(Enter Bill Walton, also a Congressman, accompanied by Virgie.)
Walton
It's me, old buddy.
Paul
Have you done what I asked you?
Walton
Certainly. (giving Paul a packet of money) Two thousand dollars.
Sure you don't need more?
Paul
No, this is all. (counting it and giving it to the bill collector)
Take it.
Man
Thank you very much. Here's your receipt. (gives a receipt) Sorry
to trouble you Congressman.
(Exit the Man, winking at Virgie, who gives him a frigid look.)
Paul
I'll repay you by the end of the month.
Walton
I'm not in any hurry.
Paul
It doesn't inconvenience you? At least—
Walton
Not at all. I won it at poker from our beloved President.
Paul
You're always lucky.
Walton
Good thing I am. I don't know how I'd manage on a Congressman's
salary in this town if I weren't a good hand at poker.
Paul
The fact is—
Walton
Congressmen aren't paid enough.
Paul
Nobody makes enough. That's why misery is so widespread.
Virgie (seething and finally bursting out)
Do you know who this money is for, Mr. Walton?
Paul
Virgie, I wish you'd—uh—leave.
Virgie
I will not leave!
Paul
Then please shut up.
Virgie
I will not shut up!
Paul
I order you to shut up. There's no reason for you to tell Walton.
Virgie
You don't dare! (to Walton) Do you know for whom this money is?
Paul
Please, Virgie, please.
Walton
I really don't want to know. Paul asked me for a small loan, and
what he does with the money, after all, is—
Virgie
Just so you'll know where your money's going. It's for the
Congressman's wife—for his divorced, adulterous wife—who, since the
divorce, has settled down to a comfortable and secure existence as a
call girl.
Walton
For Arlene!
Virgie
Yes, sir, for Arlene! When she needs money—which is often—who do
you think she's cool enough to ask? It started two weeks after the
divorce. One fine morning, Paul got a letter. (to Paul) Don't deny it,
I've read it! (in a cloying tone) “Sweety, I'm in an awful scrape. It
would be so nice of you to send me five big ones.” And he did it! After
all she did to him. You understand he's got a taste for this woman.
Another time, it was a thousand, not five hundred. And I don't know how
many other times. All to help her avoid some well-deserved disaster.
And today, it's two thousand. (to Paul, who is still trying to shush
her) You are not going to intimidate me! I am not going to let you ruin
your career and simply hold my peace. When you got married, you were a
successful lawyer with plenty of money in the bank, and a career that
said you were headed for the Senate and maybe beyond. Now look at you!
You've surrendered your fortune and you can't live off your salary as a
Congressman. And why? Because you're a spendthrift? Hardly! For a
creature who deceived you, who made you a laughingstock, and who
totally disrupted your life! It's not just weakness, it's not just
submitting to blackmail, it's—it's stupidity! And now that I have done
my duty, I am going to get some work done.
(Virgie storms out with all flags flying.)
Paul
The only thing that prevents me from strangling her is that she is
absolutely right.
Walton
Is it really true, Paul?
Paul
I'm afraid so.
Walton
You've been giving Arlene money?
Paul
What else can I do?
Walton
Just refuse—and be firm about it. The divorce decree said no
alimony and there were no children. You don't owe her a thing.
Paul
Legally, no.
Walton
Morally, you intend to say? After the life she led you before you
divorced her? And if you had any obligation—any residual obligation,
the life she's been leading since your divorce certainly discharges you
of any obligation. She's practically—damn it, there's no blinking
it—she's a prostitute.
Paul
Please don't say that.
Walton
Facts are facts, man. Or is she threatening you, blackmailing you?
Paul
No.
Walton
Is she saying that if you don't give her money, she'll let the
world know she's your ex-wife, and a happy hooker to boot?
Paul
Arlene wouldn't do that. If there was even an implied threat, I
wouldn't have anything to do with her.
Walton
Then, why'd you do it? If you had refused the first time, she would
have sorted things out for herself, and wouldn't be bothering you any
more.
Paul
It was very difficult. She cried a lot.
Walton
She came here!
Paul
No—I begged her never to come here. She met me at the Smithsonian,
and we—
Walton
She cried at the Smithsonian?
Paul
No, in my car.
Walton
Never mind. This is getting out of hand.
Paul
I am well aware.
Walton
You realize how close you are to being appointed Secretary of
Defense? You realize what would happen if the President found out about
this? Or the Press? Or Southwick? He wants to be Secretary of Defense
so bad he'd feed his mother to the fish to get it. He'd think nothing
of dragging your name in the mud.
Paul
I realize, I realize. Still—it's finished. I told Arlene this was
the last time. That my position wouldn't permit me—She understood—and
after that I didn't hear from her for about six months.
Walton
Still, she ought to be over her trouble. I saw her
recently—driving a Mercedes.
Paul
So much the better.
Walton
She gave me a friendly nod. I think she was with some Arab—an
ambassador or something.
Paul
That must be rough!
Walton
Let's hope. Because she's not really a bad kid.
Paul
No, not at all. She deceived me—without any treachery,
naively—like a child that likes to rob the cookie jar. When I accused
her, she admitted it and asked to be forgiven. So I forgave her. Then,
the desire to play with the cookie jar came over her again. Just as
nonchalantly as before.
Walton
It was a mistake to have married her.
Paul
I came to that conclusion. She's the kind of woman who should never
marry. If she likes a man, she wants to go to bed with him. And she
likes everybody.
Walton
I know it's hard to dislike her. How did she take the divorce?
Paul
As gaily as she took our marriage—she attaches no special
importance to it. After the divorce she started working for an escort
service, and in a short time she found her vocation.
Walton
And, neither of you bear each other any grudge?
Paul
Look—my God. I know what I'm doing is not very smart, or wise, or
even moral—as morality is understood—but what is there to say?
Divorce ends the marriage—but not the fact you've been married. When
you've loved a woman, and lived with her for several years, it's naïve
to think you'll be happy by getting rid of her. Whether you like it or
not, you retain a certain feeling—just as you would for a pet—even
though it bites you. And if it begs prettily, and wags its tail you
give it some sugar.
Walton
Well, ah, Arlene was certainly good at wagging her tail. Ha! Ha!
(There is the noise of a bell ringing.)
Walton
Couldn't help that one, Paul. Forgive me.
Paul
It wasn't an apt comparison—my own fault.
(Enter Virgie.)
Virgie (upset)
Paul—
Paul
What is it, Virgie?
Virgie
She is here!
Paul
Who's here?
Virgie
She. Your wife!
Walton
What—Arlene?
Virgie
Your wife! She's arguing with a cabby—but she's coming here.
Paul
Here? But she promised me. What's she going to do? What has she
come for now?
Walton
She's come to beg for some sugar.
(Enter Arlene, a very good-looking woman dressed in the very latest
fashion.)
Arlene (kissing Paul)
Darling! It's me. How are you, honey?
Paul (obviously glad to see her in spite of his
apprehensions)
What a surprise!
Arlene
Yes, isn't it? (seeing Walton) What! Walton, I didn't see you.
(hugging him, too) This is like old times.
Walton (somewhat stiffly, but not unfriendly)
Good to see you, Arlene.
Virgie (under her breath, but seething with venom)
She'd embrace the whole world, the little bitch.
Arlene
My little Virgie, you look great. I am going to get you a present.
Virgie
You're too good.
(Virgie goes out, frostily.)
Arlene
You can't imagine how happy I am to see you. I said to
myself—perhaps he's still at his office.
Paul
I took leave.
Arlene
And you, too, Walton. I'm happy to see you again. I read in the
papers that you've been reelected. That really pleases me.
Walton
Thanks, Arlene.
Paul
You need to talk to me, Arlene?
Arlene
I have so many things to tell you. (to Walton, who looks as if he's
about to leave) But no, no, you're not in the way. You're a friend of
the family.
Walton
But—
Paul (desperately)
Stay a while. I beg you. (insistently) I beg you, don't go.
Arlene (oblivious to the desperation in Paul's voice)
I've never been in your new apartment. Wow—you've bought a piano!
Paul
Fifty bucks a month.
Arlene
That's not expensive. It gives the place a touch of class. Ah,
you've reupholstered the furniture. It really needed it. And then, you
have a new clock. (laughing) Did you inherit some money?
Paul
No, no. On the contrary, I'm economizing.
Arlene
Well, your affairs are going better, and that's important. (taking
his hands) I don't want you to be unhappy. That would make me very sad,
you know, Paul.
Paul
I'm not unhappy. But I'm very concerned—
Arlene
Concerned about what?
Paul
Money. Ask Walton. He's the one who loaned me the money so I could
pay your bill.
Arlene (puzzled)
What bill?
Paul (wondering how she could have forgotten)
The one I just paid for you. Two thousand dollars.
Arlene
Oh, now I remember.
Paul
The man came here to collect the money a little while ago. I paid
him in cash.
Arlene
That was sweet of you. You did well. You always treat me right.
Paul
So now, I owe Walton two thousand dollars.
Arlene
Rest assured, my little Walton, he's going to pay you.
Walton (astounded by her audacity)
I don't doubt it for a minute.
Paul
But, you see the fix I'm in—
Arlene
Don't be afraid, darling. I didn't come for money.
Paul (prematurely relieved)
Ah, you didn't come for money?
Arlene
That would be taking advantage, and you know I never take
advantage.
Paul
Oh, I can breathe again. That's nice. Isn't that nice, Walton?
Walton
Very nice.
Paul
You said just now that you had so many things—
Arlene
I'm getting to it. Kids, everything's in a mess for little old
Arlene right now. You know I've been friends with Paul Hassan?
Walton
The Savaki Ambassador? No, I didn't know.
Arlene
He was the Savaki Ambassador until about a month ago. Now he's
prime minister. We really had quite a thing going.
Paul
Very rich, I believe.
Arlene
Oh, you can't imagine. But, he has terrible taste—which I've tried
to improve. Well anyway, we had quite a thing together until about six
weeks ago. Then we had an unpleasant talk.
Paul
What was the little talk about?
Arlene
Stupid things. His Middle Eastern customs just are not civilized. I
had supper with a few friends and he wasn't invited. He got angry and
said some disagreeable things to me.
Paul
He got jealous.
Arlene
Oh, no. If I hadn't shown him the door, he would have walked out on
me anyway. The man is absolutely medieval.
Paul
Go on.
Arlene
So when Hassan left I found myself in a fix. He didn't leave me a
penny. I pawned my jewels, but the money didn't last long.
Walton
What! Attractive as you are, you haven't latched on to someone new
in six weeks?
Arlene (evasively)
Oh, I've had some dates. But no one serious has come along, and
there are certain things I just cannot allow myself to do. In short,
yesterday, after several reversals which wouldn't interest you, I had
to sell off everything.
Paul
You sold your furniture?
Arlene
All, honey, except my bed.
Paul (taking her hand)
My poor Arlene.
Arlene
Oh, I don't repent it. I don't care about furniture and I've wanted
to replace what I've had for some time.
Walton
You did the best thing.
Arlene
Only now, I have no place to live.
Paul
You haven't rented a place?
Arlene
Not yet. I've seen a very nice apartment for forty-one hundred a
month in Georgetown—
Walton
Forty-one hundred a month?
Arlene
It's a steal at the price. How much do you pay here?
Paul (rather ashamed)
Eighteen hundred.
Arlene
Well, that's all right for a man, even a Congressman. You don't
want the voters to think you live too well. But, for a woman, you
understand—. Anyway, I'm going to look around some more. I haven't
decided.
Walton
That's wise.
Paul (naively)
And while waiting, you plan to stay with one of your girl friends,
I suppose?
Arlene
Oh, Vanessa Hughes offered me her apartment for several days, but I
refused.
Paul
You should have accepted. You'd have been very happy with her.
Arlene (surprised)
You know Vanessa?
Paul
No, just an idea I had.
Arlene
It's perfectly conceivable you might. She goes everywhere. She's
living with an undersecretary or something who's madly in love with her
and is going to marry her—only he can't because he's already married
and his wife won't divorce him.
Paul
Oh, I see. We'll have to wait for the wedding bells.
Arlene
She's charming, Vanessa, charming. But I don't want to owe her
anything. I hate owing people anything. Then, I had another idea.
Paul (uneasily)
And that was?
Arlene
To stay with you for a while—until fortune turns my way again.
Paul (strangling)
With me?
Arlene
Naturally.
Paul
Here? You wish to take up residence here?
Arlene
Hell! You're my husband, after all, and nobody in the world can
criticize us.
Paul
But, for God's sake, I am no longer your husband.
Arlene (innocently)
But, you were once—
Paul
I was once, that's true. But I am no longer. You understand that?
We are DIVORCED—officially!
Arlene
So what? What does that mean?
Paul
So what! You take my breath away. Ask Walton what that means.
Walton
The law is very clear.
Arlene
I don't give a damn about the law.
Walton (aghast)
Oh!
Arlene
So—you won't have me?
Paul
I didn't say that! I tell you very gently that it's impossible for
me. Quite impossible to hide you here.
Arlene
I have no idea of hiding.
Paul
This house is peaceful. I lead a regular life. I have my bachelor
habits—most of them bad—and besides, I'm in line for a Cabinet
position.
Walton (low to Paul)
Don't give her any ammunition.
Paul
If somebody heard a story like this—there'd be a scandal and I
would be done for. You see how I trust you, I tell you everything.
Arlene
I wouldn't want to hurt your chances for anything, honey, but after
our divorce you've been involved with women who aren't half as good as
I am. So why?
Paul
I've never let any woman come here. Have I, Walton?
Walton
Not that I've heard of.
Arlene (bitterly disappointed, but not angry)
It's okay, honey, it's okay. I'm going.
(Arlene sits at the piano and plays the scales for a moment. Then
she plays La Vie en rose.)
Paul (to Walton)
Ah, great. That's all I needed. That was our song.
Walton
Be firm.
Paul
Do me justice, Arlene. Admit I've always been good to you. But this
time I cannot. I swear to you, I cannot.
Arlene
You've always been wonderful to me, Paul. That's why I'll never
forget you. I am not saying one word in reproach. You're acting
perfectly within your rights. I will go to a hotel. I only want to stay
here a short while to wait for my movers.
Paul
Movers?
Arlene
They're bringing my bed and clothes. I gave them your address. I
was a little too sure of you. Don't worry, they won't come in. I'll
tell Virgie to watch for them and I'll keep them from coming in.
Walton
My friend, I'm leaving. I have to meet with the President.
Paul
Speak to him about my business, will you?
(Arlene continues playing.)
Walton
That's why I came to see you.
Paul
And don't mention this.
Walton
Never fear.
Paul
I really should have had this appointment months ago.
Walton
I'm well aware of that.
Paul
Do you think I'll get the nomination?
Walton
I have reason to hope so.
Paul
It's my turn. I've earned it.
Walton
That's what's holding you back, you know. Bye, Arlene.
Arlene
Arriverderci, Walton.
Paul
You'll tell me the President's response?
Walton
As soon as I know it. He's cagey. (low) Don't weaken.
Paul
I am weak—that's true. But I am not an idiot.
Walton
Bye-bye, Arlene.
(Exit Walton.)
Arlene
Bye, honey.
(Arlene continues to play. After Walton leaves, Arlene suddenly
stops playing and puts her head in her hand.)
Arlene
I haven't a chance—that's for sure.
Paul
But if—You're not reasonable and you don't manage your life
properly.
Arlene (looking up)
You think so?
Paul
You need good advice.
Arlene
Give me some.
Paul
I've already given you plenty. I haven't got any more.
Arlene
You know, I've been looking forward to staying with you for several
days, looking forward to taking a rest. I've been embarrassed, been
kicked out, had all sorts of nasty things happen. It's no fun for a
woman. I said to myself: “He's alone, he's a bachelor, he lives like a
monk without any girl friend. How would I bother him? And in the end,
in spite of everything, he still cares for me. We remain friends.” I
guess I made a big mistake, that's all.
Paul
I've explained to you—
Arlene
That's all right. We won't speak about it any more. (begins to cry)
Paul (to himself)
No, no. It would be too much of a blunder this time. (to Arlene)
What's wrong?
Arlene
Nothing, really nothing.
Paul
Why do you cry?
Arlene
Don't pay any attention to it.
Paul
Look, don't put yourself in such a state. (wildly) You can stay a
few days in a hotel, an agreeable hotel. I'll pay. My God, it won't
kill you. If you need more money, I'll find some.
Arlene
Hotel rooms drive me to distraction. You know I've always been like
that. I have to have beautiful things around me. I'll cry all day.
Paul
Aw, honey.
Arlene
Just four blank walls.
Paul
It just isn't possible for you to be here. And besides, if I let
you stay, your little friends would be coming in and out at all hours—
Arlene
At first, no one will know I am here.
Paul
Oh.
Arlene
Except Vanessa, who is my best friend.
Paul
Already one too many.
Arlene
And then, I've told her not to come and see me unless she has
something very important to tell me.
Paul
And she knows who I am?
Arlene
Oh, no! Vanessa is my intimate friend, but she really knows nothing
about my life. I told her I was going to stay with a cousin. That's why
I didn't give her the phone number. I have more tact and discretion
than you think. (putting her handkerchief to her eyes) I always look
out for your interests.
Paul
Listen, Arlene, if you promise me—if you swear—
Arlene
I swear, darling.
Paul
If I was sure I wouldn't repent this—
Arlene
What must I swear?
Paul
I'll let you live here—and I'll give you some time—
Arlene
For me to get things together. Oh, it won't be long. Oh, I'm so
happy, my little sweetheart. How happy I am. (kissing him)
Paul
It's absolutely agreed that this is only for a few days.
Arlene
But, of course. I never take advantage, as you know very well.
Paul
I am going to sleep on the couch. You stay in my room.
Arlene
But, I don't want to push you out of your own room, honey.
Paul (horrified)
Then—
Arlene (laughing)
Don't be stupid.
Paul (shocked)
Oh—
Arlene
What's so strange about that?
Paul
You don't seem to understand that what you are proposing is
frightfully immoral?
Arlene
It's immoral?
Paul
Yes. Absolutely.
Arlene (childishly)
Why?
Paul
It would take too long to explain—and besides, I'm not sure that I
know myself.
Arlene
All right. If you don't want to, I won't insist. I will sleep on
the couch. But you know, I'm not an ingrate, and I don't take
advantage. I just want to show you how much I appreciate all the
sacrifices you make for me—and how much I still care for you.
Paul (uncomfortable)
No need to talk about all that.
Arlene
Yes, yes, there is. You are a nice guy. Do you know how few nice
guys there are left in the world? When I think, you let me get the
divorce—
Paul
For cruel and unusual treatment.
Arlene (laughing)
People would think you beat me. You might have trouble finding a
new wife.
Paul (dryly)
I'm in no hurry to remarry.
Arlene
Don't joke. You know there isn't one man in all the jet set I
travel in that's half as nice as you.
Paul
Really?
Arlene
Honest Injun. And that's always been my opinion—always, even when
I was stupid enough to cheat on you with that Senator. I didn't care
for him half as much as I did for you.
Paul
No use recalling all that. What's past is past.
Arlene
It's all so sad when you think about it. I was so stupid. I thought
I could have my cake and eat it too. I know better now. We were made
for each other in so many ways. Unfortunately, I have a silly nature
and never think about anything except the present. Why don't you marry
again?
Paul
Oh, nobody wants me.
Arlene
Nonsense! Virgie would marry you in an instant.
Paul
Virgie?
Arlene
Don't you know she's crazy about you?
Paul
Why, for heaven's sake!
Arlene
You mean, you don't know, you big goof, that she's in love with
you?
Paul
No. I guess not. She's very loyal. But I've never even thought of
Virgie that way.
Arlene
Well, she's thought of you. I'm almost jealous and I would be if
you liked her. Can't you see she's jealous of me?
Paul
Hmmm.
Arlene
Never mind Virgie. I will never forget how good you've been to me.
(suddenly sitting on his lap) I hope someday you will get in some
terrible trouble and I will be the only one who can save you. I won't
hesitate, honey. I'll come right away.
Paul
What am I doing? Where am I heading?
Arlene
What's wrong?
Paul
Nothing.
Arlene (caressingly)
Nothing?
Paul
Get up. I beg you, get up.
(Enter Virgie, who stands and stares at first.)
Virgie
Sir.
Paul (helplessly)
What?
Virgie
There are two movers with some luggage and a—a bed.
Arlene
Ah. I'll take care of that.
(Arlene gets up and goes out.)
Virgie
Sir.
Paul
What? What?
Virgie
What should I do about the movers?
Paul
Whatever Arlene says.
Virgie (exploding)
Wonderful. (going out after Arlene) That's too much!
Paul
What a fool I am! What a fool! Wonderful. I'm in a pretty pickle.
Let's see, let's see. Got to be calm. (practically dancing around) If
this goes on much longer, I'll marry her again. I can't send her away
now. I can't do it. I've got to find another way.
(Reenter Virgie.)
Virgie (holding out her hand)
Some money, please.
Paul
Why?
Virgie (icily)
For the movers.
Paul (giving her some money)
Here.
Virgie
What shall I tell the building manager?
Paul
Nothing—you understand? Nothing!
Virgie
Excuse me, Congressman. I must have some explanation about your
wife. The manager believes that you are a bachelor—and everybody has
seen a woman enter here. With a lot of luggage. It's already on it's
way to being a scandal. Several neighbors are watching from their
windows. What do I say? What answer to I give?
Paul
Tell them whatever you like. I really don't care.
Virgie
Oh—In that case, I don't either. I will say that you are divorced,
but that you are reconciling with your wife—who just happens to be a
call girl.
Paul
Virgie, I know you are furious with me, but please, don't make
things more difficult than they are. Say—never mind what—say she's my
cousin or my niece. Flew in from the coast.
Virgie
Who's just graduated from college.
Paul
That's the stuff.
Virgie
And has come to D.C. for a visit.
Paul
Exactly.
Virgie
They'll never believe it.
(Enter Arlene.)
Arlene
Virgie, they're waiting for you. Ah, Paul, I forgot. Can you give
me a twenty?
Paul
Why not? In for a nickel, in for a dime.
Arlene
To buy some flowers. Hurry up. (Paul gives her the money and she
gives it to Virgie) Virgie, would you go to a florist and buy us some
flowers?
Virgie (incensed)
Twenty dollars worth of flowers!
Arlene
Hurry up. And pay the movers on your way out, will you?
Paul
Go ahead.
(Virgie leaves, vowing who knows what kind of unspeakable vengeance
on Arlene.)
Arlene
Really, your place is a little sad.
Paul
I never noticed.
Arlene
Leave it to me to liven it up. You've got a couple of horrid vases
by the chimney—but with flowers they won't be too bad. Men. Take the
piano, for instance. It ought to be in the corner. You just don't know
how to decorate.
Paul
Move it if you like. (to himself) It's starting again. It's
happening all over again. She's taking over. (to Arlene) And the sofa?
You haven't said anything about the sofa.
Arlene
The sofa. No, it's not right either. I think I'll put it over
there. (pointing)
Paul
There! That's where the piano should be. And the piano is in the
place of the table. And the table in place of the armchair. Let's
change everything—everything!
Arlene
Oh yes, oh yes. Let's have some fun.
Paul
Put everything topsy turvy. Upset everything. Go on—don't
hesitate. You are in your role and I have no objections. Do what you
have to do!
(There is a noise of someone entering. Enter Vanessa Edmonds and
Diane Brennan, both very good-looking and fashionably dressed.)
Vanessa (hugging Arlene)
Ah, my dear. What a funny little apartment. The doorman tried to
stop us from coming in.
Diane
Yes, dear, he tried to stop us.
Arlene
What a surprise! You both look real nice.
Paul (to himself)
Now what's going to happen?
Arlene
In fact—(to Paul) Let me present Miss Vanessa Edmonds and Miss
Diane Brennan, two good friends of mine.
Vanessa (in stilted French)
Enchante, Monsieur.
Diane
Delighted. Arlene has spoken to us about you.
Paul (strangled)
Has she? How nice of her.
Vanessa
Often. We are close friends of your niece. We have no secrets from
one another.
Paul
Then you must have a lot to discuss. I ask your permission,
ladies—
Vanessa
Goodbye, sir. Au revoir. Very happy to have made your acquaintance.
Paul (leaving, muttering to himself)
Forward, march. Make a decision or all is lost forever.
Vanessa
Your uncle looks familiar.
Arlene
Really?
Diane
One of your clients, perhaps?
(Arlene looks vexed.)
Vanessa
Oh, no. I never forget a client. No. He looks so distinguished. I
think I've seen him or someone who looks like him on TV.
Arlene
Oh, everybody thinks they've seen uncle Paul somewhere.
Diane
He looks like a Congressman or Senator, that's what he looks like.
Arlene
Paul will be flattered.
Diane
I mean it.
Vanessa
Your uncle is kind of cute, honey, but that's not why we came.
Diane
We have some good news to bring you.
Arlene
Well?
Vanessa
We know a man who is crazy in love with you. I mean crazy in love!
Diane
Yes, honey. Crazy in love.
Arlene
Really. Who is he?
Vanessa
A very wealthy john.
Diane
A sheik.
Arlene
A sheik?
Vanessa
A sheik who is immensely wealthy, and who owns ever so many oil
wells.
Arlene
I've had enough of sheiks.
Vanessa
Not this one.
Diane
Kehadi.
Arlene
I seem to recall.
Vanessa
You ought to recall. I introduced him to you once.
Arlene
A little bit fat. Sleek like a greased pig?
Diane
He's charming.
Vanessa
He just may be the richest man in the world.
Arlene
And you say he's in love with me?
Diane
Exactly, darling.
Arlene
Why didn't he tell me himself?
Vanessa
He didn't dare. He's very timid—and besides, you were balling
Hassan at the time. So he went back to his home or somewhere to pine
for you.
Arlene
To his harem, I bet.
Diane
But in despair.
Arlene
And now he's back?
Vanessa
As soon as he heard you and Hassan had broken up, he came on his
personal jet. He flew in yesterday, tried to find you, but couldn't,
and came to me to find out what had become of you. In my place some
other woman would have told him that Hassan had kicked you out and
tried to take over this new little sheik for herself. But not me. I am
a good friend.
Diane
And me, too.
Arlene
I thank you both.
Vanessa
You'd really have to see what a state he was in, the poor dear man.
After I told him everything, he radiated, my dear, he simply radiated.
There isn't any other word for it. “Then she's free,” he cried. He had
such an ecstatic expression on his face, dear—like he died and went to
heaven. A real chump. But we shouldn't speak evil of chumps. Without
them, how could we live so well in this city?
Arlene
And so—
Vanessa
And so, he thinks only of you. He begged me to tell him where you
were living.
Arlene (uneasy)
I hope you didn't tell him.
Vanessa
Not at first—because you told me to be discreet. But he went
wild— actually started crying—real tears in his voice. In the end, I
did because I was sure I was doing you a good turn. He's giving me a
Jaguar, by the way, to thank me. He'll be here any minute.
Arlene
Here?
Vanessa
Of course here.
Arlene
I really can't receive him. I'm not in my own apartment.
Vanessa
The sheik is a man who is very well brought up.
Diana He can be presented anywhere.
Vanessa
Why, he goes to the White House.
Diana In short, you've got to—
Vanessa
If you don't, I may not get my Jaguar—
Diana He can be presented to your uncle, and more than once!
Arlene
But my uncle is not my uncle!
Vanessa
Oh!
Diane
That's the trouble?
Arlene
That's the trouble.
Vanessa
But he's a man you can wrap around your little finger. He's young,
he's rich, he's naïve—and he's fired up. For you. A naïve, rich man
who's willing to do anything for you. It's a dream come true. I've
never been able to find a john like that. When I do—
Diane
Me either.
Vanessa
Believe me, don't discourage him. I'm advising you as a friend.
(A noise is heard in the hallway.)
Diane
Maybe that's him now.
(Enter Walton, visibly surprised to see the three women together.)
Walton
Oh! Excuse me.
Arlene
Hello again, my dear little Walton.
Walton
I've got to speak to Paul. Is he still here?
Arlene
Of course, of course. Congressman Walton, two good friends of mine.
Vanessa
Oh, I know this gentleman. I saw him the other day in the House.
Walton
What day, Miss?
Vanessa
The day you were speaking on taxes. You were really giving it to
the opposition. Who was that man you were insulting?
Walton
I have forgotten. Probably a good friend.
Diane
You were really great.
Walton
Were you there, too, Miss?
Diana I sure was.
Walton
I wouldn't think a debate on taxes would interest such lovely
ladies.
Vanessa
Oh, we weren't there for the debate. We were showing some—friends
around town, and they wanted to see the Congress in action.
Diane
Goodbye, Mr. Walton.
Walton
Goodbye, Miss.
Vanessa (seductively)
Till we meet again, Mr. Walton.
Walton (troubled)
Till we meet again, Miss.
(Arlene takes her friends out. After a minute, Paul enters.)
Walton
What is going on here?
Paul
Ah, I need you, good buddy.
Walton
What?
Paul
I've done it—I really have done it this time.
Walton
You've done something stupid?
Paul
Arlene cried. And I felt something. I had this stupid feeling—this
stupid emotion of compassion. I'm letting her stay. Don't chastise me
for it. The mistake is made. The question is how to straighten things
out. Walton, think of something.
Walton
I really don't know. And I have to leave immediately.
Paul
You are leaving? You are abandoning me? Where are you going?
Walton
The President asked me to undertake a confidential mission for him.
Paul
Walton, I am going to find out if you are a true friend—
Walton
You doubt it?
Paul
Take me along.
Walton
I couldn't ask for anyone better.
Paul
Take me. It's the only way. As long as I stay in Washington, I'll
never free myself of her—I know it.
Walton
You're right.
Paul
I will leave Arlene with Virgie. I don't care so long as I am not
here.
Walton
I have to stop at my house to pack.
Paul
That will give me time to pack, too.
(Enter Arlene.)
Paul
Arlene.
Arlene
Honey.
Paul
Walton has just brought me some news that makes it necessary for me
to leave Washington for several weeks. I have to go immediately.
Arlene (taking his hands)
Not bad news, I hope?
Paul
No, on the contrary. Good.
Arlene
That's good, honey. You had me worried for a minute. Where are you
going?
Paul
Where are we going, Walton?
Walton
Oh, it's a secret. We're on a special mission.
Arlene
Hey—that's great. When will you be coming back?
Paul
I can't say. You can stay here as long as you like. I'll give
Virgie some money for you—which Walton will loan me.
Walton
Right, right—
Paul
I only ask that you don't break anything.
Arlene
I promise.
Paul
And no wild parties—okay?
Arlene
What kind of girl do you think I am, anyway? Really—I don't think
I'll be here very long. There's this gentleman who—
Paul
Hell! You shouldn't mention a thing like that to me. When you go—
simply notify Virgie. She'll let me know.
Arlene
Do you want me to call or write?
Paul
No use. I don't know where I'll be.
Walton (looking at his watch)
We've got to hurry.
Paul
Give me five minutes. (calling) Virgie!
(Enter Virgie.)
Virgie (frigidly)
Yes, Congressman.
Paul
Virgie, be a dear, pack my suitcase.
Virgie (astounded)
You're leaving?
Paul
Yes, I'm leaving with Congressman Walton on a hush-hush trip. Go
on, hurry up. Pack my suitcase, everything for a long trip.
Virgie (going out)
I am going, sir, I am going.
Paul
Walton, will you lend me—
Walton (pulling out a check and signing it)
Here. It's blank. Use it as you like.
Paul (giving it to Arlene)
Here, baby—(writing in a sum)
Arlene (kissing Paul)
Thanks, darling, thanks.
Paul
Do you have enough?
Arlene
This will be plenty. And I am going to economize.
Paul
Yes, be prudent. With your carefree disposition, all you need is a
little prudence to lead a happy life.
Arlene
My God! I've done so many stupid things.
Paul
True. But you had legitimate excuses. You have even more excuses
than you know. Now Arlene, we are going to separate, and it is very
likely we won't see each other for quite a long time.
Arlene
That will break my heart, you know, darling.
Paul
Mine also. But what do you want? You have your interests—and I
have mine. They are too different for us to see each other often. Think
of the future, my poor little Arlene. You won't always be young and
pretty. Make hay while the sun shines.
Arlene
Where am I going to find another guy like you? If I do, I'm going
to marry him.
(Virgie returns, carrying a suitcase and a briefcase.)
Paul
Everything's ready?
Virgie
Would you please check to see?
Paul
No, no. You always do it right, Virgie. It's fine, I know. Virgie—
while I'm gone—you look after madame.
Virgie (totally confused)
What? She's not going with you?
Paul
No remarks, please. Yes, my wife is staying here. And I want you to
obey her and look out for her. I'll write or call soon.
Arlene
Don't make such big eyes, Virgie.
Virgie (stalking out in a fury)
As the Congressman likes.
Walton
Have you got everything you need? Let's go.
Arlene
Here, Walton, before you go, I want to ask—
Walton
Ask what, Arlene?
Arlene
Did you see the President?
Walton
Yes, I just got back.
Arlene
Well? What did he say about Paul?
Walton
He said Paul is the most qualified candidate.
Arlene
Wow! Congratulations, honey.
Walton
Not so fast. There are other considerations besides ability.
Arlene
He'd better appoint Paul, or I am going to have some words with
him.
Walton
He's cagey, is our President. He hasn't made up his mind yet.
Wouldn't tell even me.
Arlene
Paul's going to get it. I know. I have this feeling.
Paul
Anyway, I've got to go. Let's see. My hat. An umbrella, just in
case. (noises at the door) Now, who can that be?
Arlene
It's probably a visitor for me.
(Enter Virgie.)
Virgie
Two gentlemen to see the lady. For you, Arlene.
Paul
You see, it's best that I go. We'll go down the back stairs.
(hugging Arlene) Goodbye, baby. (grabs his suitcase and briefcase)
Arlene
Goodbye, my darling—goodbye, Walton.
Paul
Au revoir, Virgie. I'll write soon. (to Walton) This time I'm going
to save myself.
(Exit Paul and Walton hurriedly.)
Virgie
And those gentlemen?
Arlene
Tell them to come in. I'm going to freshen up first.
(Exit Arlene.)
Virgie (sniffing)
Today, two. Tomorrow it will be four. (the phone rings, Virgie
answers) Congressman Horton's. What? No, the Congressman has no
statement to make about that rumor. What do you mean it's not a rumor?
The appointment is on its way to the Senate? (the phone rings) Just a
moment, sir. I have to get the other line. (putting the present caller
on hold) Congressman Horton's, can you hold? What? What? Yes, Mr.
President, I'll try to get him. (screaming) Paul, Paul, you stupid
son-of-a-bitch, you've just been appointed Secretary of Defense!
(Virgie runs to the door yelling. As she turns around she sees two
men have entered. They are dressed in white robes with Arabic
burnooses. They look puzzled. When Virgie sees them, she screams loud
and long. Arlene enters with her make-up only partly on.)
Arlene
Virgie, have you gone mad?
Virgie
Paul is Secretary of Defense, Paul is Secretary of Defense!
Arlene
Well, that's great. I told you I knew he was going to get it. Trust
my feelings. (to the Arabs) Excuse me, gentlemen. Be right back.
(Arlene goes out unconcernedly as the curtain falls. Virgie
continues to scream. The Arabs salaam.)
CURTAIN.