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Etext by Dagny
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LEANDRE
ISABELLE
CASSANDRE
VILLEBREQUIN
GILLES
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GILLES: It seems to me, Master, there were big doings in your neighborhood last night. The old geezers played all night; yesterday evening they were a curious sight.
LEANDRE: All these splendors are causing me a sorrowful sorrow; for finally, Mr. Cassandre and Mr. Villebrequin are two characters who have means.
GILLES: By Jove, I think they have means.
LEANDRE: Finally, the two of them are amorous of my charming Isabelle.
GILLES: Yes, my word, these old fools smell fresh meat, they want it.
LEANDRE: If you are not going to assuage my misfortune, you can count that you won't have Mr. Leandre for your master any more.
GILLES: Oh well, what's to be done?
LEANDRE: Got to put them in a funk, make them change their decision.
GILLES: Yes, we must separate them from this venereal fever which is torturing them.
LEANDRE: You put your nose on it exactly, that's where the prick is.
GILLES: I know quite well, too, where the prick is.
LEANDRE: Shut up! An honest man must never speak of his mistress.
GILLES: What I'm saying about her isn't to talk about her, but in the end a throat that's been cut and a deflowered girl, there's no remedy.
LEANDRE: That is true; but don't you know that there's always a way to rebuild a virgin, and that these old, old fogies are preventing me from getting in.
GILLES: By Jove, that girl there is less afraid of the entering than the leaving, that girl—there, she would like you always to stay in.
LEANDRE: You see quite well it's necessary to prevent these gentlemen from prowling around her,
GILLES: Oh,! in that case, our master, close your ass and open your ears.
LEANDRE: I consent to it, well?
GILLES: It's necessary for you to get rid of Mr. Cassandre and Mr. Villebrequin, right?
LEANDRE: No question. But how will you do it?
GILLES: By Jove, if necessary I will persuade them that an ass is a parakeet. Go, leave it to me to do, but I see Miz Isabelle coming.
LEANDRE: We mustn't tell her anything of our sham, she is so modest and natural.
GILLES: I will leave you two together, by Jove you've no need of me to tune yourselves up, meanwhile, I am going to take a good cleansing enema to my paunch.
(EXIT Gilles.)
ISABELLE: (entering) Ah, good day then, Leandre, why didn't you come to our place yesterday, as you usually do?
LEANDRE: Charming Isabelle, you were embarrassed, you had the old geezer, the curio.
ISABELLE: You know quite well there's always a place for you. You have something against me?
LEANDRE: Rather against God.
ISABELLE: (laughing) Ah, ah! and me, too.
LEANDRE: Charming Isabelle, you don't leave much to be desired. But Mr. Cassandre and Mr. Villebrequin are causing me pain, they ogle you; yet you do nothing to get out of it.
ISABELLE: That's what I was thinking on behalf of my dear lover.
LEANDRE: Gilles is preparing a sham.
ISABELLE: I will prepare a better one than he. My dear Leandre, let me do it. I see some one coming. Go away, withdraw.
LEANDRE: I've always done what you wanted. How lucky I am to love a person as honest as you, and who is up to snuff.
ISABELLE: Goodbye, my dear lover.
(EXIT Leandre, Enter Villebrequin.)
VILLEBREQUIN: I believe that there she is, this adorable Isabelle. Hello my beautiful lil' angel of Paradise.
ISABELLE: (taking him under chin) Your servant, Mr. Villebrequin.
VILLEBREQUIN: This girl ravishes me, she's modesty itself.
ISABELLE: Ah! Not at all, sir.
VILLEBREQUIN: Why, my beautiful child, I would really like you to come spend the day in my house, my wife's in the countryside.
ISABELLE: Sir, I never go to town.
VILLEBREQUIN: It's that I'm so afraid of catching cold; the colds are bad this year.
ISABELLE: If you'd like to come sup in my chamber I will have a salad.
VILLEBREQUIN: I'm all for that, my pretty.
ISABELLE: Isn't that better than spending your money the way you did yesterday?
VILLEBREQUIN: Yesterday, I made you see a curiosity, you will show me your little trick.
ISABELLE: You have only to speak. But, if you want to, you can loan me ten shillings to give you a supper.
VILLEBREQUIN: By Saint John, I didn't think of that; but ten shillings, that's a lot.
ISABELLE: Because I intend to make you a bargain, and after the meal comes the dance, moreover I have to pay my rent.
VILLEBREQUIN: Here, my pretty, I will eat less than a party.
ISABELLE: I will wait for you this evening at eight o'clock precisely; only knock at the door.
VILLEBREQUIN: Yes, my charmer, let me satisfy my impatience.
(EXIT Villebrequin.)
ISABELLE: (alone) Now there's one already fleeced and I intend to deserve the esteem of my dear Leandre, by getting rid of the other one. Good, I see he's coming here. (ENTER Cassandre) Hello my darling, my everything, I bet you were thinking of me.
CASSANDRE: You guessed it, my charmer. By the way, do you know I really wanted to dance very much myself yesterday, 'cause it cost me six sou for the hurdy-gurdy.
ISABELLE: I really believe it, but my dear Cassandre, I don't like to see you spend your money like that.
CASSANDRE: I don't like it much either; but you enchant me by speaking this speech, adorable little pretty-pretty, also I'll never do it again, but I wanted to divert you.
ISABELLE: It's not the blind that I love the best.
CASSANDRE: I believe it; let's go up to your place.
ISABELLE: Oh, for the moment I can't, but if you want to come this evening at eight o'clock, I will give you supper.
CASSANDRE: You will give me supper? You are adorable, never have I known anything so charming as you.
ISABELLE: Ah! as for me, I love you, although I've never loved anything and I don't know what it is to do so.
CASSANDRE: So much the better, my darling, I will show it to you. How full of happiness I am!
ISABELLE: In that case I can wait for you this evening at eight o'clock precisely. When it tolls at the little Convent, just rap at the gate.
CASSANDRE: I'd sooner lose my life, than lose such a lucky piece of luck.
ISABELLE: You really love me so much then?
CASSANDRE: I'm dying of love; see how I'm coughing.
ISABELLE: So that I don't have to do anything? For in the end if you come to our place it won't be for nothing.
CASSANDRE: I'm really counting on that.
ISABELLE: If that's the case, I can beg you to do me a pleasure.
CASSANDRE: Speak, pretty one, what can I do?
ISABELLE: My good friend, can you loan me thrity shillings?
CASSANDRE: But, do you know what thirty shillings are?
ISABELLE: Yes, my dear lover, it's because I know it that I am begging you to loan me them, I don't have enough to give you a supper.
CASSANDRE: As for me, I don't care to make a good buy; sobriety gives health, and health is the greatest of all goods. A salad, and let 'em love me, will satisfy me marvelously.
ISABELLE: Why, it's not so much for having supper; it's for having two chairs and a table.
CASSANDRE: We'll forego that; we'll eat on the bed.
ISABELLE: I have too much honor to receive you like that; I thought that you loved me; but you don't love me. I am very unhappy.
CASSANDRE: Well, my darling, I can't hold out any longer. Would you like fifteen?
ISABELLE: No, you don't love me. . . . . I am indeed mistaken .
CASSANDRE: In good faith, I can't give you more — think of it carefully.
ISABELLE: (weeping) No, hoo, hoo —
CASSANDRE: I'm going; I can't see you in this affliction.
ISABELLE: Hoo, hoo, hoo—
CASSANDRE: (returning) Would you take eighteen?
ISABELLE: No, I am really unhappy.
CASSANDRE: Come on, you've got to be reasonable as well, and diminish something on your side; I will place twenty and that's all I can do.
ISABELLE: And as for me, in good conscience, I cannot. They love you and this is what happens.
CASSANDRE: Why, also thirty!
ISABELLE: I'm not worth it, right. Hoo, hoo!
CASSANDRE: You're worth all you can be worth. But thirty shillings!
ISABELLE: There's only one word that will do: either you want it or you don't want it.
CASSANDRE: Judge by the excess of my love. Here.
ISABELLE: Why that's only fifteen.
CASSANDRE: I will give you the rest after supper.
ISABELLE: That being the case, it can't be done. What! You have esteem for me, and you are not proud of your Isabelle?
CASSANDRE: Here's the other fifteen.
ISABELLE: (laughing) Till this evening when eight o'clock strikes. I await you. Knock at the gate, and be very careful to be noticed. How happy I am to have a lover like Mr. Cassandre.
CASSANDRE: Till tonight, my pretty, I'll be careful not to miss it. Thirty shillings. What love makes you do! Thirty shillings, thirty shillings!
(EXIT Cassandre.)
ISABELLE: (alone) And from the two of them! My dear lover will no longer reproach me with not knowing how to earn my bread. For we have wherewithal to do it. But isn't that him I see coming?
LEANDRE: (entering) Well, my charmer, what have you done?
ISABELLE: I've earned thirty shillings.
LEANDRE: Now that's what they call knowing how to live.
ISABELLE: It's for our supper.
LEANDRE: There has to be a little order in all that one does, and you go to work too fast, I've already told you that.
ISABELLE: That's true, I get a bit carried away, but I will correct myself; I am doing it for the best.
LEANDRE: You are a bit too well known in the neighborhood; you must move.
ISABELLE: I will do all that you like, my dear lover; I shall have soon changed residence you know.
LEANDRE: I'll take care of everything since you have cash.
ISABELLE: Willingly. I will leave the neighborhood very soon if you find it agreeable, for I've given a rendezvous at eight o'clock to these two old geezers, and I would much prefer for them to find me out of the nest.
LEANDRE: That wouldn't be honest; they must find you at home, but don't open.
ISABELLE: Ah! my dear lover, I really think they can never open; don't be uneasy for you are a bit jealous, and quite assuredly you are very wrong.
LEANDRE: I am going to disguise myself; let me do it and we will see a fine sport.
ISABELLE: Ah! my dear lover, don't kill them.
LEANDRE: As for me, I am not killing anybody; but I intend to avenge myself for the insolence they've had in making dishonest proposals to you.
ISABELLE: I am going back to our place, and I will await you with an expectant expectation.
(EXIT Isabelle.)
VILLEBREQUIN: (entering) Now's the hour or I am much deceived .
CASSANDRE: (entering) When will it be a little sooner, impatience always gives pleasure to beautiful; people. Let's rap!
BOTH AT THE SAME TIME: Who goes there? It is I, charming Isabelle. Who you?
CASSANDRE, VILLEBREQUIN: You? You? Yes, I — Me!
CASSANDRE: Go, you are an old fool.
VILLEBREQUIN: Here's a handsome amorous gallant of seventy years.
CASSANDRE: That's not true; I'm only sixty-eight, come plum time. Aren't you older?
VILLEBREQUIN: I'm as old as I am, that's not your affair.
CASSANDRE: But what are you asking for at this gate?
VILLEBREQUIN: For that matter, what are you asking for?
CASSANDRE: I want you to get out of here.
VILLEBREQUIN: I'm not going, and I will kick you out.
CASSANDRE: You'll kick me out, old fool?
VILLEBREQUIN: We'll see about that, old run-down clock.
(ENTER LEANDRE AND GILLES dressed as an ARCHER, Police of the night watch.)
LEANDRE: What uproar is this that I hear down there?
CASSANDRE, VILLEBREQUIN: (at the same time) It's not me, it's this old fool. Sir, he's the one who is wrong. Sir, I will give you—
LEANDRE: Give it to me right away. (after having taken the money he says to GILLES) Sir, do your duty.
(Gilles leads them away.)
LEANDRE: (To Isabelle who is in her house) Come, miss, come down. We can now slave at our leisure, and enjoy the sweet fruit of our chaste loves.
GILLES: (releasing them in the wings) Go, gentlemen, make peace, believe me, I am going to drink to your health. Now that's what it is to dine abroad.
(Cassandre and Villebrequin are tied and bound face to face; they struggle, fall to the earth, and fight, soon up, soon down, and they go rolling out.
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CURTAIN