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SCENE the Court of King Arthur, and a Plain thereabouts.
SCENE, The Palace.
Flourish.
Tom Thumb, to them with Officers, Prisoners, and Attendants.
King.
Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my Arms,
What Gratitude can thank away the Debt,
Your Valour lays upon me. Queen.
— Oh! ye Gods!
[Aside.
Thumb.
When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough,
I've done my Duty, and I've done no more. Queen.
Was ever such a Godlike Creature seen!
[Aside.
King.
Thy Modesty's a
Candle to thy Merit,
It shines itself, and shews thy Merit too.
But say, my Boy, where did'st thou leave the Giants? Thumb.
My Liege, without the Castle Gates they stand,
The Castle Gates too low for their Admittance. King.
What look they like? Thumb.
Like Nothing but Themselves. Queen.
And sure thou art like nothing but thy Self. King.
Enough! the vast Idea fills my Soul.
[Aside.
I see them, yes, I see them now before me.
The monst'rous, ugly, barb'rous Sons of Whores.
But, Ha! what Form Majestick strikes our Eyes?
So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn
By all the Gods in Council: So fair she is,
That surely at her Birth the Council paus'd,
And then at length cry'd out, This is a Woman! Thumb.
Then were the Gods mistaken.—She is not
A Woman, but a Giantess—whom we
With much ado, have made a shift to hawl
Within the Town: for she is by a Foot,
Shorter than all her Subject Giants were. Glum.
We yesterday were both a Queen and Wife,
One hundred thousand Giants own'd our Sway,
Twenty whereof were married to our self. Queen.
Oh! happy State of Giantism—where Husbands
Like Mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forc'd
To be content, nay, happy thought with one. Glum.
But then to lose them all in one black Day,
That the same Sun, which rising, saw me wife
To Twenty Giants, setting, should behold
Me widow'd of them all.— My worn out Heart,
That Ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy Lading,
My Soul, will quickly sink. Queen.
—Madam, believe,
I view your Sorrows with a Woman's Eye;
But learn to bear them with what Strength you may,
To-morrow we will have our Grenadiers
Drawn out before you, and you then shall chose
What Husbands you think fit. Glum.
— Madam, I am
Your most obedient, and most humble Servant. King.
Think, mighty Princess, think this Court your own,
Nor think the Landlord me, this House my Inn;
Call for whate'er you will, you'll Nothing pay.
I feel a sudden Pain within my Breast,
Nor know I whether it arise from Love,
Or only the Wind-Cholick. Time must shew.
Oh Thumb! What do we to thy Valour owe?
Ask some Reward, great as we can bestow. Thumb.
I ask not Kingdoms, I can conquer those,
I ask not Money, Money I've enough;
For what I've done, and what I mean to do,
For Giants slain, and Giants yet unborn,
Which I will slay—if this be call'd a Debt,
Take my Receipt in full—I ask but this,
To Sun my self in Huncamunca's Eyes. King.
Prodigious bold Request.
[Aside.
Queen.
— Be still my Soul.
[Aside.
Thumb.
My Heart is at the Threshold of your Mouth,
And waits its answer there—Oh! do not frown,
I've try'd, to Reason's Tune, to tune my Soul,
But Love did overwind and crack the String.
Tho' Jove in Thunder had cry'd out, You Shan't,
I should have lov'd her still—for oh strange fate,
Then when I lov'd her least, I lov'd her most. King.
It is resolv'd—the Princess is your own. Thumb.
Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy, Thumb! Queen.
Consider, Sir, reward your Soldiers Merit,
But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. King.
Tom Thumb! Odzooks, my wide extended Realm
Knows not a Name so glorious as Tom Thumb.
Let Macedonia, Alexander boast,
Let Rome her Cæsar's and her Scipio's show,
Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers
,
Ireland her O's , her Mac's let Scotland
boast,
Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. Queen.
Tho' greater yet his boasted Merit was,
He shall not have my Daughter, that is Pos'. King.
Ha! sayst thou Dollalolla? Queen.
—I say he shan't. King.
Then by our Royal Self we swear you lye: Queen.
Who but a Dog, who but a Dog,
Would use me as thou dost. Me, who have lain
These twenty Years so loving by thy Side.
But I will be reveng'd. I'll hang my self,
Then tremble all who did this Match persuade,
For riding on a Cat, from high I'll fall,
And squirt down Royal Vengeance on you all. Food.
Her Majesty the Queen is in a Passion. King.
Be she, or be she not—I'll to the Girl
And pave thy Way, oh Thumb—Now, by our self,
We were indeed a pretty King of Clouts,
To truckle to her Will—For when by Force
Or Art the Wife her Husband over-reaches,
Give him the Peticoat, and her the Breeches. Thumb.
Whisper, ye Winds, that Huncamunca's mine;
Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine!
The dreadful Bus'ness of the War is o'er,
And Beauty, heav'nly Beauty! crowns my Toils,
I've thrown the bloody Garment now aside,
And Hymeneal Sweets invite my Bride.
So when some Chimney-Sweeper, all the Day,
Hath through dark Paths pursu'd the sooty Way,
At Night, to wash his Hands and Face he flies,
And in his t'other Shirt with his Brickdusta lies.
Grizzle solus.
Queen sola.
SCENE The Street.
The Princess Huncamunca's Apartment.
Cleora sings.
Hunc.
Cease, my Mustacha, on thy Duty cease.
The Zephyr, when in flowry Vales it plays,
Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's Breath.
The Dove is not so gentle to its Mate. Must.
The Dove is every bit as proper for a Husband —Alas! Madam,
there's not a Beau about the Court looks so little like a Man—He is
a perfect Butterfly, a Thing without Substance, and almost without
Shadow too.
Hunc.
This Rudeness is unseasonable, desist;
Or, I shall think this Railing comes from Love.
Tom Thumb's a Creature of that charming Form,
That no one can abuse, unless they love him. Must.
Madam, the King.
King Huncamunca.
King.
Let all but Huncamunca leave the Room.
[Ex. Cleora, and
Mustacha.
Daughter, I have observ'd of late some Grief,
Unusual in your Countenance—your Eyes,
That, like two open Windows, us'd to shew
The lovely Beauty of the Rooms within,
Have now two Blinds before them—What is the Cause?
Say, have you not enough of Meat and Drink?
We've giv'n strict Orders not to have you stinted. Hunc.
Alas! my Lord, I value not my self,
That once I eat two Fowls and half a Pig;
Small is that Praise; but oh! a Maid may want,
What she can neither eat nor drink. King.
What's that? Hunc.
O spare my Blushes; but I mean a Husband. King.
If that be all, I have provided one,
A Husband great in Arms, whose warlike Sword
Streams with the yellow Blood of slaughter'd Giants.
Whose Name in Terrâ Incognitâ is known,
Whose Valour, Wisdom, Virtue make a Noise,
Great as the Kettle-Drums of twenty Armies. Hunc.
Whom does my Royal Father mean? King.
Tom Thumb. Hunc.
Is it possible? King.
Ha! the Window-Blinds are gone,
A Country Dance of Joy is in your Face,
Your Eyes spit Fire, your Cheeks grow red as Beef. Hunc.
O, there's a Magick-musick in that Sound,
Enough to turn me into Beef indeed.
Yes, I will own, since licens'd by your Word,
I'll own Tom Thumb the Cause of all my Grief.
For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my Sheets. King.
Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender Sheets no more,
A Husband thou shalt have to mumble now. Hunc.
Oh! happy Sound! henceforth, let no one tell,
That Huncamunca shall lead Apes in Hell.
Oh! I am over-joy'd! King.
I see thou art.
Joy lightens in thy Eyes, and thunders from thy Brows;
Transports, like Lightning, dart along thy Soul,
As Small-shot thro' a Hedge.
Hunc.
Oh! say not small. King.
This happy News shall on our Tongue ride Post,
Our self will bear the happy News to Thumb.
Yet think not, Daughter, that your powerful Charms
Must still detain the Hero from his Arms;
Various his Duty, various his Delight;
Now is his Turn to kiss, and now to fight;
And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,
When with excessive thund'ring tir'd above,
Comes down to Earth, and takes a Bit—and then,
Flies to his Trade of Thund'ring, back again.
Noodle, and then Grizzle.
Nood.
Sure Nature means to break her solid Chain,
Or else unfix the World, and in a Rage,
To hurl it from its Axle-tree and Hinges;
All things are so confus'd, the King's in Love,
The Queen is drunk, the Princess married is. Griz.
Oh! Noodle, hast thou Huncamunca seen? Nood.
I've seen a Thousand Sights this day, where none
Are by the wonderful Bitch herself outdone,
The King, the Queen, and all the Court are Sights. Griz.
D—n your Delay, you Trifler, are you drunk, ha?
I will not hear one Word but Huncamunca. Nood.
By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. Griz.
My Huncamunca. Nood.
Your Huncamunca.
Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every Man's Huncamunca.
Griz.
If this be true all Womankind are damn'd: Nood.
If it be not, may I be so my self. Griz.
See where she comes! I'll not believe a Word
Against that Face, upon whose ample Brow,
Sits Innocence with Majesty Enthron'd.
Grizzle, Huncamunca.
Griz.
Where has my Huncamunca been? See here
The Licence in my Hand! Hunc.
Alas! Tom Thumb. Griz.
Why dost thou mention him? Hunc.
Ah! me Tom Thumb. Griz.
What means my lovely Huncamunca? Hunc.
Hum! Griz.
Oh! Speak. Hunc.
Hum! Griz.
Ha! your every Word is Hum.
You force me still to answer you Tom Thumb.
Tom Thumb, I'm on the Rack, I'm in a Flame,
Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, you love the Name;
So pleasing is that Sound, that were you dumb
You still would find a Voice to cry Tom Thumb. Hunc.
Oh! Be not hasty to proclaim my Doom,
My ample Heart for more than one has Room,
A Maid like me, Heaven form'd at least for two,
I married him, and now I'll marry you. Griz.
Ha! dost thou own thy Falshood to my Face?
Think'st thou that I will share thy Husband's place,
Since to that Office one cannot suffice,
And since you scorn to dine one single Dish on,
Go, get your Husband put into Commission,
Commissioners to discharge, (ye Gods) it fine is,
The duty of a Husband to your Highness;
Yet think not long, I will my Rival bear,
Or unreveng'd the slighted Willow wear;
The gloomy, brooding Tempest now confin'd,
Within the hollow Caverns of my Mind.
In dreadful Whirl, shall rowl along the Coasts,
Shall thin the Land of all the Men it boasts,
And cram up ev'ry Chink of Hell with Ghosts.
So have I seen, in some dark Winter's Day,
A sudden Storm rush down the Sky's High-Way,
Sweep thro' the Streets with terrible ding dong,
Gush thro' the Spouts, and wash whole Crowds along.
The crowded Shops, the thronging Vermin skreen,
Together cram the Dirty and the Clean,
And not one Shoe-Boy in the Street is seen. Hunc.
Oh! fatal Rashness should his Fury slay,
My hapless Bridegroom on his Wedding Day;
I, who this Morn, of two chose which to wed,
May go again this Night alone to Bed;
So have I seen some wild unsettled Fool,
Who had her Choice of this, and that Joint Stool;
To give the Preference to either, loath
And fondly coveting to sit on both:
While the two Stools her Sitting Part confound,
Between 'em both fall Squat upon the Ground.
The End of the Second ACT.
SCENE King Arthur's Palace.
Ghost solus.
King, and Ghost.
King.
What Noise is this?—What Villain dares,
At this dread Hour, with Feet and Voice prophane,
Disturb our Royal Walls? Ghost.
One who defies
Thy empty Power to hurt him; one who dares
Walk in thy Bed-Chamber. King.
Presumptuous Slave!
Thou diest: Ghost.
Threaten others with that Word,
I am a Ghost, and am already dead. King.
Ye Stars! 'tis well; were thy last Hour to come,
This Moment had been it; yet by thy Shrowd
I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a Bladder,
'Till thou dost groan thy Nothingness away.
[Ghost retires.
Thou fly'st! 'Tis well.
I thought what was the Courage of a Ghost!
Yet, dare not, on thy Life—Why say I that,
Since Life thou hast not?—Dare not walk again,
Within these Walls, on pain of the Red-Sea.
For, if henceforth I ever find thee here,
As sure, sure as a Gun, I'll have thee laid— Ghost.
Were the Red-Sea, a Sea of Holland's Gin,
The Liquor (when alive) whose very Smell
I did detest, did loath—yet for the Sake
Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein. King.
Ha! said you? Ghost.
Yes, my Liege, I said Tom Thumb,
Whose Father's Ghost I am—once not unknown
To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true,
The dearest Friend, when dead, we all forget. King.
'Tis he, it is the honest Gaffer Thumb.
Oh! let me press thee in my eager Arms,
Thou best of Ghosts! Thou something more than Ghost! Ghost.
Would I were Something more, that we again
Might feel each other in the warm Embrace.
But now I have th' Advantage of my King,
For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me. King.
But say, thou dearest Air, Oh! say, what Dread,
Important Business sends thee back to Earth? Ghost.
Oh! then prepare to hear—which, but to hear,
Is full enough to send thy Spirit hence.
Thy Subjects up in Arms, by Grizzle led,
Will, ere the rosy finger'd Morn shall ope
The Shutters of the Sky, before the Gate
Of this thy Royal Palace, swarming spread:
So have I seen the Bees in Clusters swarm,
So have I seen the Stars in frosty Nights,
So have I seen the Sand in windy Days,
So have I seen the Ghosts on Pluto's Shore,
So have I seen the Flowers in Spring arise,
So have I seen the Leaves in Autumn fall,
So have I seen the Fruits in Summer smile,
So have I seen the Snow in Winter frown. King.
D—n all thou'st seen!—Dost thou, beneath the Shape
Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me,
With Similies to keep me on the Rack?
Hence—or by all the Torments of thy Hell,
I'll run thee thro' the Body, tho' thou'st none. Ghost.
Arthur, beware; I must this Moment hence,
Not frighted by your Voice, but by the Cocks;
Arthur beware, beware, beware, beware!
Strive to avert thy yet impending Fate;
For if thou'rt kill'd To-day,
To-morrow all thy Care will come too late.
King solus.
King.
Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus!
And whilst thou tellest me what's like my Fate,
Oh, teach me how I may avert it too!
Curst be the Man who first a Simile made!
Curst, ev'ry Bard who writes!—So have I seen
Those whose Comparisons are just and true,
And those who liken things not like at all.
The Devil is happy, that the whole Creation
Can furnish out no Simile to his Fortune.
a Plain.
Lord Grizzle, Foodle, and Rebels.
Grizzle.
Thus far our Arms with Victory are crown'd;
For tho' we have not fought, yet we have found
No Enemy to fight withal. Foodle.
Yet I,
Methinks, would willingly avoid this Day,
This First of April, to engage our Foes. Griz.
This Day, of all the Days of th' Year, I'd choose,
For on this Day my Grandmother was born.
Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April Fool;
Will teach his Wit an Errand it ne'er knew,
And send it Post to the Elysian Shades. Food.
I'm glad to find our Army is so stout,
Nor does it move my Wonder less than Joy. Griz.
What Friends we have, and how we came so strong,
I'll softly tell you as we march along.
Thunder and Lightning.
Tom Thumb, Glumdalca cum suis.
Thumb.
Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a Day like this?
The unborn Thunder rumbles o'er our Heads,
As if the Gods meant to unhinge the World;
And Heaven and Earth in wild Confusion hurl;
Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring Ball. Merl.
Tom Thumb! Thumb.
What Voice is this I hear? Merl.
Tom Thumb! Thumb.
Again it calls. Merl.
Tom Thumb! Glum.
It calls again. Thumb.
Appear, whoe'er thou art, I fear thee not. Merl.
Thou hast no Cause to fear, I am thy Friend,
Merlin by Name, a Conjuror by Trade,
And to my Art thou dost thy Being owe. Thumb.
How! Merl.
Hear then the mystick Getting of Tom Thumb.
His Father was a Ploughman plain,
His Mother milk'd the Cow;
And yet the way to get a Son,
This Couple knew not how.
Until such time the good old Man
To learned Merlin goes,
And there to him, in great Distress,
In secret manner shows;
How in his Heart he wish'd to have
A Child, in time to come,
To be his Heir, tho' it might be
No biger than his Thumb:
Of which old Merlin was foretold,
That he his Wish should have;
And so a Son of Stature small,
The Charmer to him gave.
Thou'st heard the past, look up and see the future. Thumb.
Lost in Amazement's Gulph, my Senses sink;
See there, Glumdalca, see another Me! Glum.
O Sight of Horror! see, you are devour'd
By the expanded Jaws of a red Cow. Merl.
Let not these Sights deter thy noble Mind,
For lo! a Sight more glorious courts thy Eyes;
See from a far a Theatre arise;
There, Ages yet unborn, shall Tribute pay
To the Heroick Actions of this Day:
Then Buskin Tragedy at length shall choose
Thy Name the best Supporter of her Muse. Thumb.
Enough, let every warlike Musick sound,
We fall contented, if we fall renown'd.
Lord Grizzle, Foodle, Rebels, on one Side. Tom Thumb, Glumdalca, on the other.
Food.
At length the Enemy advances nigh,
I hear them with my Ear, and see them with my Eye. Griz.
Draw all your Swords, for Liberty we fight,
And Liberty the Mustard is of Life. Thumb.
Are you the Man whom Men fam'd Grizzle name? Griz.
Are you the much more fam'd Tom Thumb? Thumb.
The same. Griz.
Come on, our Worth upon our selves we'll prove,
For Liberty I fight. Thumb.
And I for Love.
[A bloody Engagement
between the two Armies here, Drums beating, Trumpets sounding, Thunder
and Lightning.—They fight off and on several times. Some fall.
Grizzle and Glumdalca remain.
Glum.
Turn, Coward, turn, nor from a Woman fly. Griz.
Away—thou art too ignoble for my Arm. Glum.
Have at thy Heart. Griz.
Nay then, I thrust at thine. Glum.
You push too well, you've run me thro' the Guts,
And I am dead. Griz.
Then there's an End of One. Thumb.
When thou art dead, then there's an End of Two,
Villain. Griz.
Tom Thumb! Thumb.
Rebel! Griz.
Tom Thumb! Thumb.
Hell! Griz.
Huncamunca! Thumb.
Thou hast it there. Griz.
Too sure I feel it. Thumb.
To Hell then, like a Rebel as you are,
And give my Service to the Rebels there. Griz.
Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy
Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd, I'll send
My Ghost to fetch her to the other World;
It shall but bait at Heaven, and then return.
But, ha! I feel Death rumbling in my Brains,
Some kinder Spright knocks softly at my Soul.
And gently whispers it to haste away:
I come, I come, most willingly I come.
So; when some City Wife, for Country Air,
To Hampstead, or to Highgate does repair;
Her, to make haste, her Husband does implore,
And cries, My Dear, the Coach is at the Door.
With equal Wish, desirous to be gone,
She gets into the Coach, and then she cries—Drive on!
Thumb.
With those last Words he vomited his Soul,
Which, like whipt Cream, the Devil will swallow down.
Bear off the Body, and cut off the Head,
Which I will to the King in Triumph lug;
Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to Breakfast.
King, Queen, Huncamunca, and Courtiers.
King.
Open the Prisons, set the Wretched free,
And bid our Treasurer disburse six Pounds
To pay their Debts.—Let no one weep To-day.
Come, Dollallolla; Curse that odious Name!
It is so long, it asks an Hour to speak it.
By Heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll,
Or any other civil Monosyllable
That will not tire my Tongue.—Come, sit thee down,
Here seated, let us view the Dancer's Sports;
Bid 'em advance. This is the Wedding-Day
Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb;
Tom Thum! who wins two Victories To-day,
And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's Head.
A Dance here.
Nood.
Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible, Oh! Oh!
Deaf be my Ears, for ever blind, my Eyes!
Dumb be my Tongue! Feet lame! All Senses lost!
Howl Wolves, grunt Bears, hiss Snakes, shriek all ye Ghosts!
King.
What does the Blockhead mean? Nood.
I mean, my Liege
Only to grace my Tale with decent Horror;
Whilst from my Garret, twice two Stories high,
I look'd abroad into the Streets below;
I saw Tom Thumb attended by the Mob,
Twice Twenty Shoe-Boys, twice two Dozen Links,
Chairmen and Porters, Hackney-Coachmen, Whores;
Aloft he bore the grizly Head of Grizzle;
When of a sudden thro' the Streets there came
A Cow, of larger than the usual Size,
And in a Moment—guess, Oh! guess the rest!
And in a Moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb. King.
Shut up again the Prisons, bid my Treasurer
Not give three Farthings out—hang all the Culprits,
Guilty or not—no matter—Ravish Virgins,
Go bid the Schoolmasters whip all their Boys;
Let Lawyers, Parsons, and Physicians loose,
To rob, impose on, and to kill the World. Nood.
Her Majesty the Queen is in a Swoon. Queen.
Not so much in a Swoon, but I have still
Strength to reward the Messenger of ill News.
[Kills Noodle.
Nood.
Oh! I am slain. Cle.
My Lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so.
[Kills the Queen.
Hunc.
My Mamma kill'd! vile Murtheress, beware.
[Kills Cleora.
Dood.
This for an old Grudge, to thy Heart.
[Kills Huncamunca.
Must.
And this
I drive to thine, Oh Doodle! for a new one.
[Kills Doodle.
King.
Ha! Murtheress vile, take that
[Kills Must.
And take thou this.
[Kills himself, and
falls.
So when the Child whom Nurse from Danger guards,
Sends Jack for Mustard with a Pack of Cards;
Kings, Queens and Knaves throw one another down,
'Till the whole Pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown;
So all our Pack upon the Floor is cast,
And all I boast is—that I fall the last.
[Dies.