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CHARACTERS, eleven men, one woman Sherlock Holmes Dr. Watson Police Commissioner Theodore Roosevelt, President of the Police Board Lincoln Steffens, a young reporter Professor Moriarity Mrs. Laura Avery Dr. Parkhurst, a reform minister Parker, a member of the Police Board Clubber Williams, a police Inspector Schmittberger, a police Inspector Police Chief Byrnes A Police Officer
Watson
We've been cooped up in this bloody hotel room for several weeks,
Holmes. Are you sure that Professor Moriarity is in New York?
Holmes
I'm positive he's here, Watson.
Watson
But why would he come to New York anyway?
Holmes
To keep out of my way.
Watson
Well, he's certainly gone to ground. Have you lost the scent?
Holmes (piqued)
It appears, Watson, we must simply await developments. Moriarity
will announce his presence in some spectacular way. The man cannot be
idle. Sooner or later he will pull off some criminal coup.
Watson
He seems to have managed to restrain his impulse so far.
Holmes
He's prudent. He's hoping I'll get tired and return to England. He
underestimates my patience and his own need for action.
Watson
Well, I propose an excursion tomorrow while we wait for the
Professor to give some evidence of his whereabouts.
Holmes
A capital idea, Watson. We may as well mix business with pleasure.
At least until we can profitably do business.
Watson
I think it most inconsiderate of Moriarity to come to New York and
then hide so cleverly.
Holmes
What better place than New York, Watson? The city is filled with
people of all kinds and the government is so corrupt that even the
police can be bought.
Watson
Yes, I've been reading about that. Well, there's a reform movement
afoot.
(A knock at the door. Holmes gets up and opens the door, admitting
Lincoln Steffens, a reporter.)
Steffens
Mr. Holmes, I presume?
Holmes
I am Sherlock Holmes and this is Dr. Watson.
Steffens
Of course. I should have recognized both of you instantly. I
follow your adventures very closely as reported by the good doctor.
Holmes
I have not the same pleasure of knowing you, sir.
Steffens
My name is Lincoln Steffens. I'm a reporter.
Holmes
With the Evening Post?
Steffens
That's right. How did you know?
Holmes
I've been reading your accounts of the reform of the Police. Quite
excellent work.
Watson
Indeed, I've read them too.
Steffens
Some people say it's muck raking. I appreciate your praise.
Holmes
Unfortunately, Mr. Steffens, I do not grant interviews to the
press.
Steffens
Ah, but you see, I am not seeking an interview, although I should
be glad enough to have one.
Holmes
Indeed, Then, of what service can I be to you?
Steffens
The President of the Police Board requested that I contact you.
Holmes
Mr. Roosevelt? But I am engaged in the most urgent business at the
moment.
Steffens
Are you pursuing Professor Moriarity?
Holmes
How could you know that?
Steffens
What else would bring Sherlock Holmes to New York City? We don't
have any master criminals.
Holmes
You are certainly a very clever and engaging young man. I venture
very few men in America have ever heard of Dr. Moriarity.
Steffens
The President of the Police Board has heard of him.
Holmes
This Theodore Roosevelt must be a remarkable man.
Steffens
He is, indeed. And, he is willing to offer you the assistance of
the NYPD in apprehending Moriarity, if you would assist him in a small
matter.
Holmes
I generally do not work well with the police, Mr. Steffens.
Steffens
Neither does the President of the Police Board, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes
I shall be delighted to meet the new President of the Police
Board, and be of what service I can. But, I must warn you, that it is
unlikely that I can devote much time to any other endeavour than the
pursuit of Moriarity.
Steffens
The President understands your position, Mr. Holmes. He is willing
to put his entire resources behind you, and to be of every assistance
he can in your great enterprise. It could save you a lot of time.
Holmes
Still, police methods—
Steffens
The NYPD may be corrupt, Mr. Holmes, but they are among the
world's finest.
Holmes
I mean no slight.
Steffens
Then, allow me to present Mr. Theodore Roosevelt, President of the
Police board. (going to the door and admitting T.R., who bustles in,
cigar in mouth, flashing his teeth) He asked me to make the
introduction.
T.R.
Holmes, Watson, welcome to New York. Good to see you, good to see
you. We must get down to business right away. You must solve this
mystery for us, Mr. Holmes. Meanwhile, I will undertake to put every
available man on the lookout for Moriarity, and furthermore—
Steffens (amused at the somewhat aghast expression on the
face of Holmes)
The President of the Police Board and the future President of
these United States, T.R.!
T.R.
Now stop that, Steffens. I've told you before, I won't have that,
even in jest.
Steffens
Certainly not, President Roosevelt. President Roosevelt has the
theory that he must do his present job with absolutely no thought of
the future.
T.R.
Without fear or favor. And stop calling me "President."
Steffens
I was referring to your position on the Police Board. Anyway, Mr.
Holmes, he fears that if he thinks about the future, he will beat
himself.
T.R.
Steffens is the most incorrigible, impudent fellow I've ever met—
which is why he's just about the best reporter that ever lived—saving
Jake Riis, of course. And he has the damndest ideas about human
nature, too. Would you believe it, Mr. Holmes, he convinced me to keep
the bag man for all the crooked cops on the take, because he says,
mind you, that he's an honest man?
Steffens
Schmittberger is honest. That's why Tammany trusted him with the
payoff money.
Holmes
Isn't this Schmittberger the one who testified at the Lexow
Commission and turned state's evidence?
T.R.
He's the man. And you know what, he really is honest. He never
kept a penny of that money for himself.
Holmes
Yes. And he kept very precise records of the officers he paid
money to.
Watson
You mean this Schmittberger is still on the force?
T.R.
And I mean to keep him there. I've put him in charge of reforming
the department. He knows who was on the take.
Watson
Well, it couldn't happen in England.
Steffens
It was the system that corrupted Schmittberger. He hated the
system, and now he'll be loyal to us.
T.R.
He can be depended upon to clean out the grafters and to close
down the saloons, the gambling dens, and the whore houses. I'd never
have thought of that, if it hadn't been for Steffens.
Holmes
I begin to have a high opinion of you, Mr. Steffens.
T.R.
It's really Schmittberger we've come to see you about, Mr. Holmes.
We think he's in great danger.
Steffens
He's received threatening letters.
Holmes
Surely, that's to be expected after his testimony implicating so
many of his fellow officers and Tammany Hall.
Steffens
These are different in tone.
T.R.
They've begun to worry him, and it's affecting his work. (giving
Holmes some letters)
Holmes
They appear to have been pasted together from newspaper print.
Steffens
As a matter of act, I think they're from the Evening Post. It
looks like our style to me. Unfortunately, we enjoy a wide readership.
Holmes
"Enjoy your sleep, Schmittberger. It may be your last. Did you hug
your kids tonight? It may be your last chance. Death is near. Obacht."
Obacht, what does that mean?
Steffens
It's German slang. It means watch out.
Holmes
You speak German, Mr. Steffens?
Steffens
Fluently. I was educated in Germany, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes
These letters offer little of real interest. The man who wrote
them has a gift for saying things that are disturbing and designed to
hurt the reader. Beyond that, I would think your best bet is to put on
a mail cover. Pure police work, that.
T.R.
Except, that the police cannot be trusted in this case. That is
why we came to you as soon as we found out you were in town.
Holmes
Do you have any individual suspects?
Steffens
Clubber Williams.
Holmes
And, who is Clubber Williams?
T.R.
He's a police inspector. He's famous for his brutality with a
nightstick. Hence the nickname Clubber.
Steffens
To be blunt about it, the man's a sadist.
Holmes
Any others?
Steffens
Well, the present Police Chief, James Byrnes.
Watson
Why, doesn't this Chief Byrnes enjoy a great reputation as a
detective?
Steffens
Almost equal to that of Sherlock Holmes. But he got it by
cheating.
Watson
Got what by cheating?
Steffens
His reputation for solving cases. You see, he lets the criminals
operate so long as they don't cause too much trouble. Say you had your
pocket picked, and you're an influential person. You go to Byrnes.
Byrnes says, "Don't tell anybody. I'll have your stuff back in a
week." And a week later you get your stolen goods back. You think
Byrnes is a master detective. But, what really happened. He calls in
the leading pickpockets and says he wants such and such an item back.
The pickpockets get together and find out who took it and tell him to
give it back.
Watson (naively)
Buy, why should they give it back?
Steffens
Because, if they don't, Byrnes will make it hot for all the
pickpockets in the city.
Holmes
The ancient Egyptians had a system like that. You could buy back
your stolen property.
T.R.
We haven't progressed much. Police protection should be available
to everyone. Not just to those citizens who have influence.
Holmes
Any other suspects?
Steffens
Tammany Hall, the saloonkeepers, the proprietors of the gambling
dens and the brothels—and last, but not least, the entire Police
Department.
Watson
Hmmph. No end of suspects.
T.R.
Mr. Holmes, if you would give me a description of Professor
Moriarity, I would circulate it immediately.
Holmes
That is perfectly useless.
T.R.
Why? Don't you know what he looks like?
Holmes
I know him very well. He is tall, thin, and emaciated-looking. I
can only say that you will never see him like that. He is a master of
disguise. Look for a short hunchback of decidedly stupid appearance
and you will have your Moriarity.
(Enter Inspector Schmittberger; a tall impressive looking officer.)
T.R.
Schmittberger, what are you doing here?
Schmittberger
They told me you were here, sir.
T.R.
What has happened? You look upset.
Schmittberger
A man on a bicycle fired two shots at me as I was leaving
O'Banion's saloon.
T.R.
Were you hit? Did you get him?
Schmittberger
No, sir, I wasn't hit. But, a bystander was killed. I didn't get
him. The killer got away.
Holmes
How do you know the assassin was after you?
Schmittberger
He yelled at me. He called me a dirty stool pigeon and then he
fired. This other poor chap was killed instead, poor devil.
T.R.
Did you get a look at him?
Schmittberger
Not a good one. He was around the corner almost immediately. I got
my gun out, and ran after him, but he was lost in the crowd.
Holmes
Do you have any idea who was trying to kill you?
Schmittberger
Some of the boys said they'd get me for turning state's evidence.
But, I told them to come ahead. Let them come at me, fair and square.
Even Clubber Williams is no match for me. I'll beat them all, and they
know it.
Holmes
Are you sure it wasn't one of the police?
Schmittberger
I'd recognize any man on the force. I've never seen that man
before. He was a total stranger.
T.R.
A killing for hire.
Holmes
Who was the man killed?
Schmittberger
A business man who frequents O'Banion's for lunch. I've seen him
there many times.
T.R.
It would appear he might have better chosen to dine elsewhere.
BLACKOUT
T.R.
No doubt, you find Mulberry Street a contrast with Scotland Yard,
Mr. Holmes.
Holmes
I seldom frequent the Yard.
(Roosevelt demolishes another memo, disposes of it rapidly, and
picks up another.)
T.R.
I hate paperwork.
Holmes
Yes, I've noticed.
(Enter Dr. Parkhurst, a small bearded clergyman, accompanied by
Steffens.)
Parkhurst
Steffens said I could see you, even though you were with someone,
Mr. Roosevelt.
T.R.
Ah, Dr. Parkhurst, you know you can see me any time. This is a
pleasure. Allow me to introduce you to Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.
You've heard of them, I am sure.
Parkhurst
Yes, indeed. Very glad to meet you, Mr. Holmes, and you, Dr.
Watson. We need a man like you in this city. Unfortunately, there are
few mysteries worthy of your famous abilities. All we need really is a
new broom—a man who will enforce the law.
Steffens
Dr. Parkhurst is the backbone of the reform movement.
Holmes
Indeed, I've heard of your exploits, Dr. Parkhurst. Is it not
unusual for a clergyman to take such a concern in the suppression of
crime?
Parkhurst
God announces his mission in strange ways, Mr. Holmes. It started
when I began a youth group in my church. Young men. After a while they
told me they were having a hard time living Christian lives because of
all the temptations they were exposed to. I said what temptations? And
they told me all about the saloons, and whorehouses, and the whole
lot. I was naïve. These places were illegal. I went to the police and
asked that these dens of iniquity be shut down. It took me quite a
while before I realized that these places enjoyed police protection,
and even longer before I realized that they enjoyed political
protection. So, I became a reformer.
T.R.
And a damn good one.
Steffens
They're complaining about your tactics.
Parkhurst
It's hard to please criminals. You can never treat them in a
manner that exactly suits their fancy.
T.R.
What brings you here?
Parkhurst
I've come on an unpleasant errand, Commissioner Roosevelt. I
regret to inform you that there is still a certain reluctance to
enforce the law despite the recent elections. Two saloons were open in
violation of the Sunday closing laws last night. And, there are many
bordellos that seem to be immune from all forms of attack. I was at
one last night.
Watson
Good heavens—certainly you, a clergyman, didn't go frequent a
place like that?
Parkhurst
Certainly, I did, Dr. Watson. How else am I to prove that it was
open?
Watson
But surely, your position would not allow you to—
Parkhurst
Duty is duty, Dr. Watson.
Holmes
Dr. Watson is thinking of— I quite see your point, Dr. Parkhurst.
But an Anglican minister—
Parkhurst
I am an Anglican minister—
Watson (shuttering and sitting down)
Are you, sir.
Parkhurst
If I rely on the reports of others, they say I am only listening
to unfounded gossip and rumor. So, I go myself. I make a very good
witness.
Holmes
Indeed, sir.
Watson
But, how do you prove that—that—prostitution was actually going
on, unless you—GOOD GOD!
Parkhurst
My methods are very thorough.
Steffens
You see, Dr. Watson, in America we pass laws in the confident hope
that the police will not enforce them. We are a very moral society. At
that rate, we can afford to be.
Parkhurst
When I demanded the saloons and bawdy houses be closed, Mr.
Holmes, the proprietors had the effrontery to say there was no need to
change the law, because the law prohibited their activities anyway.
When I demanded the law be enforced, they said it was impractical.
Criminals always have an answer.
Holmes
I have found that to be true myself.
Parkhurst
Now, we have replaced the Tammany politicians with a reform
administration. A new broom. We hope it will sweep cleaner than the
old broom. Here is a list of the places that I can prove were open in
violation of the laws. Good day, gentlemen.
T.R. (angrily)
Does he imply? Does he suggest—? Doesn't he understand that we're
on his side?
Steffens
He's only on God's side.
T.R.
Damned impractical reformers. I'm doing all I can. But the fact
is, it's hard to run against human nature.
Steffens
You see, Mr. Holmes, the honest working people of this city
believe in observing the Sabbath. Hence, they passed a law that on
Sunday, the saloons must close. But—
T.R.
But—as Sunday is their only day off, they want to have a drink or
two.
Holmes
Which they are unable to do if the law is enforced. I perfectly
understand. It's hard being moral and having a thirst, too.
T.R.
I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best.
(Enter Clubber Williams, a brutal looking man in the uniform of a
Police Inspector.)
Williams Well—it's twelve o'clock, and I'm on time. So get it over with, shall we? (seeing Steffens) You here, too? I should have expected it.
Steffens
I told you I'd stay here until you were forced out, Clubber.
Williams
Isn't it enough you plan to dismiss me? You want to humiliate me,
too—you buck-toothed devil. Enjoy your triumph. (grinding his teeth)
T.R.
I'll let that remark of yours pass—but only because you are under
great stress, Inspector Williams. I summoned you here because I have
to advise you that I have reviewed your record with the Police Force
and the accusations made against you by Inspector Schmittberger and
others. If you like, we can postpone this until I can speak
privately—
Williams
Let them stay, let them stay—
T.R.
Then, I must inform you, that I find the charges made against you
credible and well-substantiated. Therefore, I have determined as
President of the Police Board, that you must be dismissed from the
force. The dismissal is effective immediately.
Williams (tearing his medals off and grinding them under his
heel)
After twenty-five years of service. All for bravery. And, they
count for nothing.
T.R.
Your service record was taken into consideration. You will receive
your pension. If you like, I will explain my reasons in detail.
Williams
That will be unnecessary. It's all because of that hypocritical
Schmittberger. Good God, what fools we were to trust him—just because
he looked like a cop. He—you'll live to regret this. Mark my words—
Tammany Hall will come back to power in the next election. The people
will soon be sick of all you goody-goodies. (exit Williams in a rage)
Holmes
Well, we seem destined to witness high drama today.
Watson
Was his service record good?
Steffens
Oh, excellent. If you discount his corruption and brutality. He
earned the name Clubber by being the nastiest man on the force with a
nightstick. You would be amazed from a medical point of view, Dr.
Watson, what can be done to a man with a nightstick.
T.R.
In many ways, he was a good officer. His brutality was directed
against street toughs—men much worse than himself, vile street
criminals, who, unfortunately, only understand brutality. In Williams,
they met a man who spoke that language fluently.
Watson
Still, you can't condone—
T.R.
I would have condoned it, much as I dislike it. But, I will not
condone his corruption.
Steffens
To my mind, taking the money was the least of his faults. Taking
money from saloonkeepers to stay open on Sundays is regarded as white
graft—a harmless way of supplementing a police officer's low salary.
T.R.
He's rich.
(Enter Parker, a dapper well-dressed little man. Roosevelt bristles
immediately when Parker enters, like a horse in the presence of a
snake. Parker is not in the least impressed by Roosevelt. The dislike
is mutual, but somehow Parker always has the edge, and better control
of his temper.)
Parker
I see you've done in poor Williams.
T.R.
I told you what my intentions were, Parker.
Parker
You should have consulted the other members of the Police Board.
There are four of us, remember?
T.R.
I announced what I was going to do.
Parker
An announcement is not a consultation. Grant doesn't like it.
(exits, turning on his heel)
Holmes
Who is he?
T.R.
That was Parker. He is also a member of the Police board—and the
leader of the opposition to my policies.
Steffens
They don't like each other.
Holmes
An understatement.
T.R.
He thwarts me every way he can. And, by God, he is clever.
Watson
Does he work for Tammany?
Steffens
Oh, no—he just can't stand being less than first. Grant—you know
he's the son of our former President—almost always sides with Parker.
Watson
Is this Grant an important person?
Steffens
He's a nonentity. Really, Parker is the great obstructionist. I
told him privately what I thought of him. Enough to make most men
ashamed, or ready to fight. All Parker said was—"Well, that has the
virtue of being honest." I've never wanted to beat a man so much in
all my life. He's insupportable.
T.R.
We can't stand each other. It's my character to say exactly what's
on my mind. With Parker, I doubt if the left side of his brain would
tell the right side of his brain what it was doing, even under a
pledge of secrecy.
Steffens
He's devious and resourceful—and I can never figure out his
motives.
T.R.
Bother Parker. Would you care to go out with me tonight, Mr.
Holmes? I intend to see how the police are performing their patrol
duties.
Holmes
That might prove interesting.
T.R.
Meet me at my hotel at two A.M. Steffens will be there, too.
Watson
You can count on us.
BLACKOUT
Tavernkeeper's voice
Now, where is that damn cop? I suppose he's gone off to sleep in
the alley again!
(Enter T.R., Holmes, Watson, and Steffens.)
T.R. (overhearing the Tavernkeeper)
I'll fetch him for you!
(Suddenly, a woman screams from the alley. We see two men fighting.
Roosevelt, Holmes, and Watson rush in. Roosevelt grabs at a man with a
knife, who slips free and retreats into the alley and disappears.)
T.R.
The fellow is as slippery as an eel.
Holmes
He runs fast for a club foot.
Parkhurst
Don't pursue him, Mr. Holmes, these alleys are veritable
rookeries.
Watson
Why, it's Dr. Parkhurst!
T.R.
What are you doing here?
Parkhurst
Visiting a brothel.
Watson
By Jove!
Parkhurst
In the line of duty, you may rest assured. It is one of several
that still remain open.
T.R.
Where is it. I'll shut it down myself.
Parkhurst
It's over there. But we can discuss that later. First, we must
look to this lady. She was being attacked by that scoundrel when I
intervened.
Holmes
Are you all right, madam? Dr. Watson can attend you, if you are
hurt.
Mrs. Avery I am perfectly all right. Dr. Parkhurst came to my rescue just in time, or I should be dead.
Parkhurst
Why—it's Mrs. Avery. Laura—what are you doing here? In such a
neighborhood, and at such a time of night?
Mrs. Avery
I might ask you the same question, Dr. Parkhurst—but I am very
glad to see you.
T.R.
This is no place for a lady. Why did you come here?
Mrs. Avery
I was following my husband.
Parkhurst
Mrs. Avery is a parishioner of mine. She's married to a man—a
foreign gigolo by the name of Avery, and he has led her a very sad
life. He is both insanely jealous, and totally unfaithful himself.
Mrs. Avery (weeping)
I received a letter this morning advising me, in the friendliest
way, that my husband would be visiting Dolly Well's brothel tonight. I
thought, rather foolishly, to catch him in the act.
Watson
Poor woman!
Parkhurst
Married to a brute!
T.R.
The hound deserves a good thrashing! But, it was hardly a wise
decision.
Mrs. Avery
I shall be more prudent in the future.
Holmes
Did you recognize your attacker?
Mrs. Avery
No, no. It was some ruffian who thought to snatch my purse
or—or—
T.R.
The dog. If I catch him—
Mrs. Avery
It happened just after I dismissed my cab.
Watson
Doubtless, he thought you—
Mrs. Avery
That I was one of Dolly's girls— Oh, sir, I am mortally ashamed.
Watson
You see where imprudence can lead a woman. In the future, you must
consider the modesty of your sex.
Holmes
Strange, that he should have attacked you immediately after you
dismissed your cab—almost as if he were waiting—
T.R.
Probably some drunk who saw his chance.
Steffens
More likely, he was waiting for some man to be his victim, and
thought a woman presented less likelihood of resistance.
Holmes
Still—it's unusual. May I see the letter—
Mrs. Avery
What letter? Oh, that. I—uh—I no longer have it.
Holmes
Indeed?
Mrs. Avery
I tore it up after I read it. I was very upset.
Holmes
Of course. It was very lucky that Dr. Parkhurst was just coming
out of Dolly's place.
Parkhurst
I am glad I was able to be of some assistance, Laura. But I am
afraid he would have been too much for me, if it hadn't been for Mr.
Roosevelt—and you, too, gentlemen. If you will allow me, Laura, I
will accompany you home.
Mrs. Avery
I will be delighted. But my husband—
Parkhurst
I assure you, Laura, he wasn't there.
Mrs. Avery
Oh, why then, of course—
Parkhurst (leading Mrs. Avery off)
I'll see you in the morning, gentlemen, and give you my full
report.
(Exit Mrs. Avery and Dr. Parkhurst.)
T.R.
This is the strangest adventure I've ever had, gentlemen.
Watson
I see he meant what he said about personally investigating these
hell holes.
T.R.
He's absolutely fearless.
Steffens
Dr. Parkhurst will go anywhere vice is practiced. He knows himself
to be incorruptible and therefore he does things a more prudent man
wouldn't even consider doing. He cannot stand corruption. It makes him
mad.
Holmes
There's something more to this than—
(Before Holmes can finish this thought, he is interrupted by loud
singing from the brothel. Enter Clubber Williams and Parker, arm in
arm, bellowing out "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow." Parker and Williams
are happy and drunk. Roosevelt glares at them. When they see Roosevelt
and company, the singing stops abruptly.)
T.R.
This is hardly conduct becoming a member of the Police Board,
Parker. As for you, Williams, I would say it is in character.
Parker
I am simply trying to cheer up poor Clubber, on his retirement. A
little innocent amusement.
Steffens
In a whorehouse?
Parker
They have an excellent piano player, and the drinks are the best
in down. Honi soit qui mal y pense.
T.R.
You make me sick, Parker, you don't even have the decency to be
ashamed.
Parker
Well, you can take your revenge, if you like. If you publish this,
I shall have to resign.
T.R.
I have no intention of publishing this.
Parker (amused)
Really, why not?
T.R.
It's not my way.
Parker
I warn you, I would do it if I were in your shoes.
T.R.
I have no intention of publishing it.
Parker
Ah, but you will let your little reporter friend do it—a clever
way to keep your conscience clean.
Steffens
I have no such qualms.
T.R.
Steffens, I'll strangle you, if you dare to publish this.
Steffens
But, Mr. President—
T.R.
I won't hear of it.
Parker
You're a damn fool. But, thanks a lot. Shall we go, Clubber?
Evenin' gents.
Holmes
Before you go, Inspector Williams, I want to ask you some
questions.
Williams
And who the 'ell may you be? I saw you this morning, but we
weren't introduced.
T.R.
He's Sherlock Holmes—the English consulting detective.
Williams
And, what's he consulting about? How to fire me?
Holmes
I've been asked to look into the Schmittberger matter.
Williams
Oh, the stoolie.
Holmes
Are you aware there was an attempt on Schmittberger's life this
afternoon?
Williams
Was there? I hope they got him.
Holmes
No. Another man—a bystander was killed. You have a very clear
motive for making such an attempt.
Williams
As does everyone else on the force that trusted that Judas. Why
should I do it?— I have my pension and my—uh—savings. No need.
Parker
You don't have to answer any questions, Clubber.
Williams
What does it matter?— I have an alibi.
T.R.
An alibi? You weren't even told when the attack occurred.
Williams
You think it's a secret? Everybody on the force knows about it. It
occurred at two o'clock in front of O'Banion's saloon. Well, at that
time I was consulting with Commissioner Parker and Commissioner Grant
about my possible retirement. So forget that.
Holmes
Do you have any idea who might have done it?
Williams
Let me see. If I were investigating this case, I'd say the Police
Commissioner himself had a very good motive.
T.R.
What? How dare you?
Williams
Schmittberger is an embarrassment to you—alive. You've kept on a
man who is admittedly the bag man for Tammany. Dead—he's a hero and
you can blame Tammany.
Parker
Our dear President of the Board isn't smart enough to do that,
Clubber. No, that theory won't work. Now, I might do that—but I'm not
in Mr. Roosevelt's shoes so I have no motive.
T.R.
Don't waste time talking with these scoundrels, Mr. Holmes, they
will not provide you with any useful information.
Holmes
They may already have done so.
Watson
Even in this uncivilized part of the world, it is preposterous to
believe that a public official would kill a man simply to help is own
political cause.
Parker
It wouldn't be the first time. But, I think Steffens is behind it.
Steffens
What? You're insane.
Parker
It would sell some more newspapers. Evenin' gents.
(Exit Parker and Williams, laughing, into the alley. They begin to
sing.)
T.R.
Of all the effrontery.
Steffens
Let me print it, let me print it.
T.R.
No. Or I'm done with you.
(Suddenly the singing stops. Parker and Williams return.)
T.R. (not noticing Parker and Williams)
Well, gentlemen, shall we continue our rounds?
Holmes
Lead on—Mr. Parker, what's wrong?
Parker
There's a policeman in the alley—with his throat cut.
Williams
I know him, too. His name is O'Hara. His job is to act as a
bouncer at Dolly's and the saloon next door. He does a few rounds.
He's an old man and would never hurt a fly. They cut his throat from
ear to ear. (weeping, maudlin)
T.R.
Who would do such a thing?
Holmes
I can't prove it. But, I will venture a guess. The ruffian who was
waiting for Mrs. Avery.
T.R.
But, why?
Holmes
Now, that is the mystery.
BLACKOUT
T.R.
Ah, there you are, Holmes.
Holmes
Good morning, Mr. President.
T.R.
Excuse the disorder, I'm having a gymnasium installed in the next
room, but the workmen haven't quite finished yet.
Holmes (as T.R. continues from one gyration to another)
Quite impressive.
T.R.
Would you like to wrestle?
Holmes
Wrestle?
T.R.
We can have a tumble right now, if you like. I have some mats.
Holmes
No thank you, I abhor all forms of exercise.
T.R.
You don't say! But, I understood you are familiar with the
oriental martial arts.
Holmes
I have a slight acquaintance with jiu-jitsu and several other
martial arts, but only for professional reasons. I much prefer to
exercise my mind instead of my body.
T.R.
Is that so? (somewhat incredulous) Well, as you please. Perhaps
you, Dr. Watson?
Watson
Thank you, no, Mr. Roosevelt.
T.R.
Well, perhaps you box?
Watson
No, no. I mean, yes I do, but, no, I'd rather not.
T.R.
Well, I shall just have to hire a sparring partner, I suppose.
Watson (aside to Holmes)
Maybe if we could get him to lie down, the fever for exercise
would pass.
T.R.
Another murder was committed last night. Not far from here,
either. A very strange case.
Holmes
Indeed. What happened?
T.R.
Someone murdered an organ grinder here in Mulberry Street. Brutal
and senseless, and it's raising a lot of fuss here in Little Italy.
The old man was very popular.
Holmes
What was the motive?
T.R.
Robbery.
Holmes
I would hardy think an organ grinder would have much money.
T.R.
They don't. At least, this one didn't. They stole his organ and
his monkey.
Watson
But, that's the strangest thing I ever heard of. Is no one safe in
this barbaric country?
(Enter Dr. Parkhurst.)
Parkhurst
Ah, Mr. Roosevelt, Mr. Holmes. I am very glad to see you here.
T.R.
About that brothel—
Parkhurst
Never mind that.
T.R.
Why, but I've—
Parkhurst
Mrs. Avery has disappeared. I saw her home last night. This
morning, I called on the way here to see if she had recovered from her
fright. Her maid said that directly after I brought her home, she
changed clothes and went out again. She hasn't returned.
Holmes
You had better tell us all you know about Mrs. Avery.
Parkhurst
Really, I know very little. She joined my parish several months
ago and became a member of the choir. She is very wealthy and married
to a jealous Italian Prince or something.
T.R.
Married to an Italian. But, she uses an English name.
Parkhurst
He changed his name because it's difficult to pronounce. Anyway,
he used to make scenes and accused his wife of having affairs with
practically anyone she met. It was quite distressing. A madman,
without a doubt.
Holmes
Go on.
Parkhurst
Naturally, she separated from him.
Holmes
And?
Parkhurst
She became friends with Sidney Gray.
T.R.
Sidney Gray?
Parkhurst
Yes. Why—
T.R.
But, that is the name of the man who was killed in the attack on
Schmittberger!
Holmes
Now, I think we can begin to see to the bottom of this mystery.
T.R.
Do you? Well, I confess, I can't.
Holmes
And, how did Mrs. Avery's husband react to her friendship with
Sidney Gray?
Parkhurst
He caused a row—or I should say several rows. Very distasteful.
T.R.
And, I believe he even accused you of some involvement with his
wife, did he not?
Parkhurst (flabbergasted)
How did you know that? Yes, yes, he did.
Holmes
Tell me about Sidney Gray.
Parkhurst
He's a very well-to-do man. His family is socially quite
prominent, but in a very quiet way. He took a great interest in the
reform movement. It is a shame about his death—
Holmes
Sidney Gray was deliberately murdered.
T.R.
What? But, the bullet was intended for Schmittberger.
Holmes
Gray was the target of the attack, not Schmittberger.
T.R.
But, the threatening letters to Schmittberger?
Holmes
A ruse to divert suspicion from the person with a motive to attack
Sidney Gray.
Watson
But, who would want to attack Sidney Gray?
Holmes
Why, Mrs. Avery's husband—who else?
T.R.
I see, I see. A love triangle. Jealous Italian husband. She may
have been having an affair with Sidney Gray—
Parkhurst
I refuse to believe that. Sidney Gray was a man of high moral
character—and rather naïve.
Holmes
So much the worse for him. He probably refused to be blackmailed.
Parkhurst
Blackmailed?
Holmes
Yes, of course. Don't you see that this wealthy lady with a
jealous foreign husband is a kind of vaudeville routine? Mrs. Avery
and her husband have used this many times before, I have no doubt.
Parkhurst
If this is true—
Holmes
You've met her husband?
Parkhurst
Yes. Several times.
Holmes
He's a clubfoot, is he not?
Parkhurst
That's true, that's true! But, how—
Holmes
How do I know? Because this pair are famous. He goes by the name
Ricolletti. They've been active for some time on the continent. The
woman poses as a wealthy American heiress who is estranged from her
violent Italian husband. She joins a fashionable congregation. She's
Catholic, Jewish, Protestant, by turns. A whole Ecumenical conference.
After a short time, she allows herself to be compromised by some
wealthy church member—frequently the minister.
Parkhurst
What an escape I have had!
Holmes
The jealous husband appears and catches the guilty lovers in the
act. He threatens murder and exposure. This unsettles everyone.
Finally, the woman proposes to give the worthless Italian some money
to get rid of him. He's venal, and he agrees. Now, she proposes to pay
him from her own money. But, her money is all tied up in spendthrift
trusts. Could the lover advance the money himself?—she will pay him
back.
T.R.
And, of course, that's the last one sees of either the lady or her
husband.
Watson
How diabolical.
Parkhurst
The woman must be a viper. But, I can hardly believe that Laura—
Holmes
Believe me, Dr. Parkhurst, you've never met a woman in all your
excursions into the cribs of New York who is her equal in vice and
depravity.
T.R.
But, why was Gray killed?
Holmes
Gray is a wealthy man. I think we may assume that Mrs. Avery and
Ricolletti had a falling out.
T.R.
And—
Holmes
Mrs. Avery decided to marry Sidney Gray, and to cut Ricolletti
out. She may even have fallen in love.
Parkhurst
But, why has she disappeared?
Holmes
To avoid her husband. Ricolletti has already given signs that he
doesn't like her little trick.
T.R.
And, last night—the ruffian—
Holmes
Exactly. The ruffian was a clubfoot!
T.R.
Then, it was Ricolletti.
Parkhurst
But, if she was trying to escape him, why would she follow him?
Holmes
He was following her, not she him.
Parkhurst
Why would she seek refuge in a brothel?
Holmes
Well, according to the information I have about Ricolletti's wife,
that was where she began her career.
Parkhurst
Infamous! I trusted her. Excuse me, gentlemen, I am ill. (exits)
T.R.
I'll get every available policeman on the force looking for her.
Holmes
Do so—before she is killed as well. Ricolletti is both cunning
and ruthless.
Watson
I hate to say this, Holmes, but could Parkhurst be involved? It
was very singular his being in that part of town with Mrs. Avery last
night.
Holmes
The thought has crossed my mind.
(Enter Schmittberger.)
Schmittberger
Excuse me for interrupting Mr. Roosevelt, but there's been the
strangest murder not two blocks from here.
T.R.
Out with it, man!
Schmittberger
A woman living in one of the Italian tenements has just been
murdered by an organ grinder. She came to the window to listen to his
music, and he stabbed her with a stiletto.
Watson
And, last night, an organ grinder was killed—
T.R.
Did you catch the madman?
Schmittberger
No, sir. He escaped.
Holmes
I'll wager, Mr. Roosevelt, that the dead woman is Laura Avery, and
the organ itself belonged to the man killed last night.
Watson
But, what would Laura Avery be doing in a tenement?
Holmes
She probably thought it was safe to hide there. She speaks
Italian.
T.R.
But, her husband's Italian—
Holmes
I'm not so sure of that. Well, we'd better go see.
BLACKOUT
(Enter Holmes and Watson.)
Holmes
Come, Watson. I think we have tracked Ricolletti to his lair.—
Wait till I reconnoitre.
(Holmes steps stealthily forward, then encounters a figure. A
fierce struggle ensues.)
Watson (lighting a lamp)
Commission Roosevelt.
T.R.
Sherlock Holmes! Is it you, Holmes? Well, I'm damned if I didn't
take you for an Italian. What are you doing here?
Holmes
I might ask you the same question.
T.R.
I received a tip that a man resembling the supposed organ grinder
was seen hereabouts. When I saw you loitering, I thought—
Holmes
No apologies. I have tracked Ricolletti here.
T.R.
Then, we have him.
Holmes
I believe he is in this house.
T.R.
I have no warrant.
Holmes
You Americans always have so many procedural difficulties. Watson
and I will break in. You can say you observed us and followed us to
apprehend us in the act.
T.R.
Bully!
Holmes
Eh?
T.R.
Bully!— It's an expression. It means splendid. By the way, you
wrestle well for a man who abhors exercise.
Holmes
Thank you, very much. You do quite well, too. Shall we begin?
T.R.
After you, gentlemen.
BLACKOUT
Holmes
Moriarity!
Moriarity
None other! Do close the door, Holmes, there's a draft. Good to
see you again, Dr. Watson.
Watson
I am not aware that you and I have ever met, Professor Moriarity.
Moriarity
It does not surprise me, Dr. Watson, that you are unaware of it.
But, we have met, several times, in fact.
Holmes
I am very fortunate. I knew you were in New York. Through tracing
Ricolletti, I have happily killed two birds with one stone. Where is
Ricolletti?
Moriarity
He's gone where you will never find him. He's under MY protection
now.
Holmes
Your protection! You will soon be in jail, too.
Moriarity
On what charge?
Holmes
There are several charges pending against you in England.
Moriarity
Are there? I wired my solicitor this morning. None are pending.
Holmes
What abut the Linden affair?
Moriarity
During your absence, and mine, from England the witnesses met with
an unfortunate accident. Stung to death by a flight of killer bees.
(laughing) You have no proofs against me anymore, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes
You fiend!
Moriarity
I knew you would follow me from England, my dear Sherlock. And,
with you out of the way, I had this feeling that your case would
somehow collapse.
(Enter Roosevelt.)
T.R.
Hands up. I am the police. I saw a break-in occur here. You too,
Mr. Ricolletti. (brandishing a gun)
Moriarity
Ah, Commissioner Roosevelt, I presume? Professor Moriarity.
T.R.
Moriarity. Shall I arrest him, Holmes?
Holmes
Arrest him for aiding and abetting the escape of Ricolletti.
Misprision of a felony.
Moriarity
I have not aided Ricolletti in escaping. He came here and left
here of his own accord. There are several witnesses to that, who can
be produced, if necessary.
T.R.
If you are hiding a felon, I warn you—
Moriarity
I am not hiding him—and I gave him no money. I merely offered him
some advice. Besides, he was under no charges when he entered here.
His name has never been mentioned in the Press. If I am arrested, I
shall be released within hours—and I will sue you for false arrest.
My attorneys advise me that I cannot be charged.
Holmes
Is he correct, Mr. Roosevelt?
T.R.
I am afraid so, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes
Damn—what a fool I've been.
Moriarity
I assure you, I made it my business to enquire, Mr. Holmes. In
fact, I remained here merely from a longing to see you again, after
such a long time—and to advise you that I have taken an interest in
this matter. If you wish to charge me, I am at your disposal. My
attorney is in the next room. Mr. Williams—
(Enter Clubber Williams.)
Williams
At your service, Professor Moriarity.
T.R.
What!
Williams
As a retired police officer, I have opened my private practice.
T.R.
You're not licensed.
Williams
Yes, I am. I studied for the bar at nights, and passed a year ago.
Holmes
You win this round, Professor Moriarity. There will be others.
Moriarity
Of course there will. I promise you that. But, rest assured, you
would never have found me, if I had not decided to appear before you.
it may surprise you to know that until yesterday, I was lodged within
two doors of you.
Holmes
I will track you down, I will track you down!
Moriarity
I am above your petty persecutions, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. You may
seek me wherever you like.
Holmes
The duel will continue.
Williams
If you please, Professor, there's a point I would like to discuss
with you privately.
Moriarity
You will excuse us, Mr. Holmes.
Williams
The Professor is my first client, you see, and a most
distinguished one, so you see, I'm a little nervous, and I want to be
very correct.
(Williams opens a door for the Professor.)
Holmes
The duel will continue.
Moriarity
Certainly, Mr. Holmes, certainly. Till next we meet.
(Professor Moriarity and Williams exit.)
Holmes
Moriarity has made a fool of me, Watson.
T.R.
Clubber Williams is laughing at me, Mr. Holmes.
Watson (facing the audience as the light darkens)
Ricolletti was never found. Holmes eventually surmised that
Moriarity had done away with him in order to possess himself of the
blackmail hoard Ricolletti and his abominable wife had amassed. That
seemed to be the likeliest explanation, for neither Holmes nor
Roosevelt were able to find the least trace of him.
Holmes (facing the audience)
Watson, Watson, what a fool I've been. There was no Ricolletti.
Watson
No, Ricolletti?
T.R.
But, what do you mean?
Holmes
Ricolletti was Moriarity in disguise. A disguise so perfect that
no one, not even I, recognized him. He has slipped the noose again.
Watson
Moriarity vanished as he said he would—but Holmes was soon on
this track again. This time the trail led to Peking and the Boxer
Rebellion. As for Roosevelt, he went on to become Secretary of the
Navy, and then to pursue a distinguished career that led to triumph
after triumph. But to Sherlock Holmes, he will always be the Mulberry
Street Irregular.
CURTAIN