This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
Etext by Dagny
CHARACTERS THE KING QUEEN FLORA THE FAIRY TITANIA PRINCESS ROSEBUD ARDRAM ARDRAM’S MOTHER DOCTOR MAX ++++++++++++++++++++++++
QUEEN: Woe is me. I am childless. If only I had a child.
KING: A boy would be nice.
QUEEN: A girl would be better!
KING: We need an heir to the throne.
QUEEN: You men are all alike.
KING: Any child would be nice.
QUEEN: Well do something!
KING: I suppose we could keep trying.
QUEEN: Of, course that's just what you want. Try and try again. Men! Don't you know some doctor who could bring this about?
KING: We've tried all the doctors.
QUEEN: Well then, a magician?
KING: We've tried all the magicians.
QUEEN: Maybe not the good ones.
KING: Merlin, Faustus, the lot.
QUEEN: How about a fairy?
KING: Sorry. Don't know any! My great grand-father was the last mortal ever to see a fairy. No one has ever seen one since.
QUEEN: Humph! They probably don't exist anyway.
KING: Well, they say this palace was built by fairy hands.
QUEEN: You believe anything. Absolutely anything. If they existed, wouldn't they want to help me have a baby.
KING: Why? I don't really see the connection.
QUEEN: Oh, you are so stupid. KING: Possibly because I am King.
QUEEN: Shut up. Look, you are King, right?
KING: Absolutely. I'm an absolute monarch.
QUEEN: And I am Queen, right?
KING: Roger that.
QUEEN: And we have no child.
KING: Right. (aside) Actually I have a few dozen bastards here and there but they don't count and I must remember not to mention them to the Queen.
QUEEN: Well, if there were fairies, the fairies would naturally want to help the King and the Queen to be happy. Everybody knows that.
KING: Um.
QUEEN: What's the good of having fairies if they are no use to you when you need them? Answer me that!
KING: Um.
QUEEN: So there aren't any! So there!
KING: Well, if there are any, I could surely use some help. The people are restive. There may be a revolution.
QUEEN: Revolution! Pooh!
KING: Well, the people don't have any bread to eat.
QUEEN: Let them eat cake!
KING: That's a good idea.
QUEEN: I have many good ideas but you never pay any attention to them.
KING: Well, that one is a real crackerjack. I'm going to tell the Chancellor to suggest that the next time there's a bread riot .
QUEEN: Things are so simple really.
KING: I just don't want to have a revolution. I like being King.
QUEEN: And I like being Queen. What's a revolution, anyway?
KING: That's when the people depose the King and Queen.
QUEEN: I'd like to see them try that! Just you wait.
KING: Actually, my grandfather became King during a revolution.
QUEEN: How dreadful.
KING: Actually, it turned out well for me and my father, too .
QUEEN: I suppose from that narrow point of view. But I am a legitimist. Whatever that is.
KING: Now I think on it, it was the fairies helped him to the throne.
QUEEN: Humbug!
KING: They say some of the descendants of the old King are still living in the city.
QUEEN: A likely story.
KING: Protected by the fairies.
QUEEN: And the secret police?
KING: The secret police have never been able to find them—but they are sure those descendants are there.
QUEEN: I don't believe a word of it.
KING: If it weren't for the fairies, my secret police would have exterminated them by now. I've got a very nasty secret police.
QUEEN: But for the fairies! Fairies indeed! Tell the head of the secret police you are going to hang him if he doesn't find the descendants of the old King. You see how quick they find someone to exterminate.
KING: That's a thought. But if there really are fairies.
QUEEN: Fairies do not exist!
KING: There's no reasoning with you. I'm going to an important cabinet meeting.
QUEEN: They don't exist and that's my last word on the subject! Now what's the cabinet meeting about?
KING: Ah, now there you have me. I've forgotten. Oh, wait, I remember. It's about how to raise taxes to build a 400 room extension to the palace and new means of helping the poor.
QUEEN: Boring! Make it 500 rooms. And a new palace in the country.
KING: All right. Can I have a kiss before I go?
QUEEN: Don't touch me! (she pulls away and folds her arms over her breast)
KING: What did I do?
QUEEN: It's what you didn't do.
KING: What didn't I do?
QUEEN: You didn't make me have a baby and you can't touch me until you do.
KING: But, how can I—
QUEEN: You'll be late for your meeting. (imperiously) Go!
KING: Oh, very well.
QUEEN: And remember, 500 rooms. No make it six.
KING: All right. That will only require tripling the taxes. Back in a flash. (exit King)
QUEEN: Don't rush! (irritated, the Queen goes around kicking over chairs, knocking over flower posts, anything she can destroy in her anger; exhausted, she sits down, grabs some flowers and begins pulling them apart) There are no fairies! You hear? There are no fairies! (she tosses the flowers)
VOICE: (laughing) Yes, there are.
QUEEN: Who said that?
VOICE: Ha, ha, ha —
QUEEN: You'd better watch it. I am capable of having your head severed from your body in the mood I'm in. So be careful. I can be a real bitch when I'm mad.
VOICE: I believe you.
QUEEN: (starts looking for the owner of the voice) You're going to get it.
VOICE: So, you don't believe in fairies?
QUEEN: No. Where are you?
VOICE: Over here.
QUEEN: (peering into a rosebush) My goodness. You are a fairy . You're so small.
ROSEBUD: (suddenly appearing) I can be any size I please.
QUEEN: Goodness. A real fairy. My husband will never believe this.
QUEEN: My name's Rosina. (curtsies) Howdja do?
QUEEN (bowing graciously in return) Very pleased to meet you, Miss Rosina. Should I call you Miss? What's your title, anyway? Will you give me a baby?
ROSINA: Normally, we don't get mixed up in family planning.
QUEEN: Oh, but I am Queen.
ROSINA: But being Queen doesn't automatically mean you will have a baby.
QUEEN: But I'm a good Queen.
ROSINA: (astounded) You think so?
QUEEN: I know so. I have the most wonderful balls —
ROSINA: The most expensive, the most lavish ever seen.
QUEEN: You see! And all my people love me.
ROSINA: Do they? I have a different impression.
QUEEN: Oh, you can't be paying attention. Every report from the secret police emphasizes how attached the people are to me. They don't care much for my husband though. He lacks charm and charisma.
ROSINA: Hmmmm! Actually, considering the political conditions in the realm I think it would be a very good idea if there was an heir to the throne.
QUEEN: Then you'll grant my wish?
ROSINA: Yes.
QUEEN: So nice of you. I knew right away I could trust you.
ROSINA: You see there may be a revolution.
QUEEN: A revolution. Unthinkable! I won't allow it. I'm the only Queen these stupid people have got.
ROSINA: That's why it would be nice to have an alternative. (plucking a rosebud.) Now put this rosebud in your bed tonight, and in the morning you will have a beautiful little baby Princess.
QUEEN: Neat! I'll call her Rosebud.
ROSINA: Very original of you. But every night at sundown, the Princess will change back into a flower.
QUEEN: Now wait a minute.
ROSINA: Not to worry. At sunrise she will be human again.
QUEEN: A curious child. Is this going to go on forever?
ROSINA: Only until she marries the great grandson of the old King.
QUEEN: You mean the one my husband's grandfather deposed?
ROSINA: Exactly.
QUEEN: I'll have them married tomorrow.
ROSINA: Can't do that! He hasn't actually been born yet. Besides, he won't know he's of royal blood until Rosebud tells him.
QUEEN: And after they get married she'll be a Princess day and night?
ROSINA: Yes.
QUEEN: I don't see how she's ever going to find him. I shall certainly not allow my child to scour the world looking for him.
ROSINA: Fate is stronger than you are. You will see what you will see.
(Rosina disappears.)
QUEEN: Now where'd she go? What a strange and complicated story? Well, at least I'll have the baby I always wanted.
(Enter the King.)
KING: Well, that's all over. We've got our new palace. Our loyal subjects voted to triple their tax burden. The Royal Architect will be over to see you this afternoon.
QUEEN: Oh, I can't be bothered with that.
KING: Huh? I thought —
QUEEN: It doesn't interest me any more.
KING: Damn! But we just doubled the national debt!
QUEEN: Never mind. I'm going to have a baby.
KING: You mean you're pregnant? (gestures suggesting a fat tummy)
QUEEN: No, stupid! (showing the rosebud) In the morning this rosebud will turn into a baby.
KING: Stop kidding.
QUEEN: I'm not kidding. A fairy gave it to me.
KING: A fairy, eh? Did you fall asleep out here?
QUEEN: Are you suggesting I've been dreaming?
KING: Um, yes.
QUEEN: Well I've been wide awake. I met a fairy.
KING: There are no fairies.
QUEEN: There are so.
KING: You've been in the sun too long.
QUEEN: There are fairies.
KING: Maybe you ought to go lie down.
QUEEN: That's a good idea. Come with me.
KING: Huh?
QUEEN: We can—you know.
KING: I thought you weren't going to let me touch you until—?
QUEEN: But that's all arranged. I don't have it on my mind any more so—
KING: Then I can—?
QUEEN: Yes, you can—in fact I insist.
KING: Well I'll be damned. How did this come about?
QUEEN: (snuggling up to him) The fairies, I told you.
KING: But there are no fairies.
QUEEN: You just like to contradict me. If I weren't in such a good mood, I'd never let you touch me again ever. Now, repeat after me. There are fairies.
KING: There are fairies.
(The King and Queen kiss.)
BLACKOUT
The fairy Rosina leads in Princess Rosebud. The palace hasn't changed much except that there are revolutionary flags hanging, a few heads on pikes, and a large guillotine in the background.
ROSINA: Don't weep, Princess. Things will all come out right .
ROSEBUD: But my dear parents. The people want to cut off their heads.
ROSINA: They've escaped with the help of some friends of mine .
ROSEBUD: Oh, what a relief.
ROSINA: But they must learn to suffer. When they have learned their lesson they will come back again.
ROSEBUD: But what will become of me?
ROSINA: Don't worry you'll be safe enough. In the end the people who are now screaming for your head will cheer you on your wedding day.
ROSEBUD: That's interesting. I wonder who I'll marry.
ROSINA: Oh, you'll find out. Meanwhile, I must save you from the people, or they will certainly kill you.
(Peasants rush in with scythes, axes, etc. Rosina and Rosebud vanish in a puff of smoke.)
BLACKOUT
ARDRAM: Who are you?
ROSEBUD: I'm Princess Rosebud.
ARDRAM: How did you get in here?
ROSEBUD: I have no idea. Will you let me stay?
ARDRAM: (looking at her) Yes.
ROSEBUD: I'm afraid of the mob that broke into the palace.
ARDRAM: I, I won't let them harm you.
ROSEBUD: How can you protect me?
ARDRAM: I'm their leader!
ROSEBUD: You! (terrified she wants to flee, but she doesn't know where the door is)
ARDRAM: (going to her) Don't be afraid. We revolutionaries don't want to harm anyone. We just want justice.
ROSEBUD: But they're killing everybody.
ARDRAM: The people are a little too enthusiastic at the moment, but they'll calm down.
ROSEBUD: What will happen?
ARDRAM: The Constituent Assembly will establish a constitutional monarchy.
ROSEBUD: A constitutional monarchy! What's that?
ARDRAM: It's a kind of monarchy that isn't really a monarchy . So far, it's only existed in England.
ROSEBUD: But who will be King? Will you put my father back on the throne?
ARDRAM: Impossible. His tyrannies are too fresh in the minds of the people. The people will have to offer the crown to someone else?
ROSEBUD: Who?
ARDRAM: Don't know yet. We have to find someone.
ROSEBUD: Well, you're their leader. Perhaps they'll offer the throne to you?
ARDRAM: I don't think so. I'm not sure I approve of monarchy anyway. We need someone who will make sure the people have enough bread to eat.
ROSEBUD: My father says that's impossible.
ARDRAM: Your father, dear Princess, is an ass.
ROSEBUD: Don't you talk like that about my father!
ARDRAM: I don't have time to argue with you. I have to go to a Revolutionary meeting.
ROSEBUD: But—
ARDRAM: I really have to go. Things might really get out of hand if I don't. There are some crazies who want to establish a democracy.
ROSEBUD: Oh, dear. That must be prevented at all costs.
ARDRAM: And then there's the matter of dealing with the aristocrats.
ROSEBUD: Please look out for my parents.
ARDRAM: The best thing would be if no one found them right now. (starts to leave)
ROSEBUD: Young man!
ARDRAM: Yes?
ROSEBUD: What's your name?
ARDRAM: Ardram.
ROSEBUD: That's a nice name.
ARDRAM: What's yours?
ROSEBUD: Rosebud.
ARDRAM: That's a strange name for a Princess.
ROSEBUD: My mother calls me Rosie and my father calls me Buddy.
ARDRAM: I like Buddy. It's got a revolutionary sound to it. Look, whatever you do don't leave. I cannot protect you if you leave.
ROSEBUD: I'll be here, Ardram.
ARDRAM: See you later, Buddy.
(He goes out. Rosebud sits in his chair and starts reading a revolutionary pamphlet with surprise and attention.)
BLACKOUT
MOTHER: How's my son the Revolutionary?
ARDRAM: I'm good mother.
MOTHER: And the Revolution?
ARDRAM: Not so good. Aside from cutting off the heads of aristocrats no one is able to agree on anything.
MOTHER: The people need a leader.
ARDRAM: There's going to be a civil war.
MOTHER: No way.
ARDRAM: But—
MOTHER: A civil war is out of the question. We must find some one of royal blood to be a constitutional monarch.
ARDRAM: (laughing) How about the one who's protected by the fairies?
MOTHER: The ideal person.
ARDRAM: If only we could find him.
MOTHER: (looking around and finding a rose in Ardram's bed) Where did this come from?
ARDRAM: Beats me. (thinking) Maybe Buddy put it there.
MOTHER: Buddy! Who is Buddy?
ARDRAM: She's a young girl who showed up here this morning.
MOTHER: She showed up?
ARDRAM: That's the only way to describe it. I was sitting here working and there she was.
MOTHER: Buddy is an unusual name for a girl.
ARDRAM: Her real name is Rosie or something, but her friends call her Buddy.
MOTHER: (more and more uneasy) And you are her "friend"?
ARDRAM: I guess so.
MOTHER: Now I've always told you you mustn't get involved with some peasant girl.
ARDRAM: I'm not involved with her and she's not a peasant.
MOTHER: It leads to "complications". You mustn't—
ARDRAM: Wait a minute. Where is Buddy? I told her not to go out. It's dangerous and I may not be able to protect her.
MOTHER: You protect her! My God this is serious.
ARDRAM: Buddy! Buddy, where are you?
(Buddy, of course, having turned into a rose does not answer . Ardram suddenly becomes frantic. He looks all over the room and an adjoining room. He is staring wildly.)
ARDRAM: I've got to find her! Stay here, mother. (he rushes out screaming) Buddy! Buddy! Where are you?
MOTHER: Oh, dear, I'm afraid this may be serious. It's so unwise to form a misalliance.
BLACK OUT
(When the lights go up, it is early morning in Ardram's room. Ardram's mother is sleeping on a couch. Rosebud sits up in the bed. She looks around and sees Ardram's mother sleeping on the couch.)
ROSEBUD: Excuse me for waking you up. (she nudges Ardram's mother, who sits up) But, who are you?
MOTHER: Are you "Buddy"?
ROSEBUD: My father calls me that.
MOTHER: (looking at her critically) Well, you are not bad looking for some peasant slut. In fact, you have the bearing of a Princess.
ROSEBUD: I— (about to say "I am a Princess," she thinks better of it and bites her tongue)
MOTHER: Well, how much do you want to clear out?
ROSEBUD: What do you mean?
MOTHER: How much do you want to beat it and find some other man?
ROSEBUD: But—
ARDRAM: I suppose you may have some attachment for him. I must seem a little brutal. I am sure you mean well enough, but my son must not become involved with a wench like you.
ROSEBUD: A wench like me! I AM PRINCESS ROSEBUD!
MOTHER: You're Princess Rosebud?
ROSEBUD: Yes.
MOTHER: Well then, that's another matter. Why did you leave? Why did you run away?
ROSEBUD: I didn't run away.
MOTHER: He's been searching for you everywhere. He hasn't come home yet. You wicked girl, running around the streets all night.
ROSEBUD: I was not.
MOTHER: Then where did you go?
ROSEBUD: I can't explain very well. If I told you ,you wouldn't believe me.
MOTHER: I expect so. Look here: do you love my son?
ROSEBUD: I don't know. I just met him.
MOTHER: Well, it doesn't matter whether you love him or not. Will you marry him?
ROSEBUD: But he's a commoner. I suppose that's an advantage these days. Yes, I'll do it.
MOTHER: That's a good girl. I'm beginning to like you already .
ROSEBUD: But I don't think he likes me very much. After all, he's a Red Republican, a fanatic revolutionary, and all that. What would he want with a Princess? Besides I'm betrothed to the lost Prince of the Old Dynasty. That is, if he's ever found.
MOTHER: No problem. Ardram is the great grandson of King Ardram the Stupid, my ancestor. So if you marry him, he will regain the throne.
ROSEBUD: And my father and mother?
MOTHER: A comfortable exile is the best I can do for them. The people wouldn't tolerate them again.
BLACKOUT
QUEEN: Doctor Max, Doctor Max. What is going on in the city?
DOCTOR MAX: As I came through the streets, I noticed that there was a growing sentiment to reestablish the monarchy.
KING: It's about time.
QUEEN: I told you this revolution thing would never last.
KING: Far too long for my liking already. Here we are, hiding in Doctor Max's humble abode.
QUEEN: With no servants.
KING: And no hunting.
KING: It's very dreadful.
QUEEN: At last we will be able to return to our palace.
KING: What an example I am going to make of all those traitors.
DOCTOR MAX: I said there is sentiment to reestablish the monarchy, Sire. I didn't say there was any sentiment to put you back on the throne.
KING: Nonsense. I'm the only King they've got.
QUEEN: The people grow more ridiculous every day. Where else will they get a King?
MAX: They want to put your daughter on the throne!
QUEEN: Without our being dead? How dare they.
MAX: Listen.
SHOUTS: Long live Queen Rosebud the first. Where is the brat? We didn't kill her, did we?
QUEEN: Ah, my poor daughter, Indeed where is she? I haven't seen her since the day that mob invaded the palace.
MAX: She'll be easy to recognize.
KING: I'm not so sure of that. Princess Rosebud is protected by fairies.
DOCTOR MAX: Protected by fairies? I never saw one.
QUEEN: But I did.
DOCTOR MAX: Excuse me, Highness, dyspepsia.
QUEEN: (aside to King) I'd like to tell this little know it all Doctor off, in fact I'd like to have his head chopped off, the insolent little beast. To contradict me. Me, his Queen. But I don't dare. He might turn us over to the mob.
KING: I feel the same way, but in this case discretion is advisable.
ARDRAM'S VOICE: Good People. Elect Princess Rosebud as Queen .
KING: The seditious traitor.
QUEEN: Cut off his head!
DOCTOR MAX: That's Ardram, the student, who is the leader of the Constituent Assembly.
QUEEN: I always told you that founding the University was a mistake. But you wouldn't listen. Education breeds sedition, revolution, anarchy, I don't know what.
(Rosebud suddenly appears.)
ROSEBUD: Mama! Papa!
(Rosebud runs to embrace them.)
QUEEN: How did you get here? You weren't here a minute ago
ROSEBUD: I don't know. I've had so many adventures. I was so afraid the mob had killed you!
KING: They most certainly would have, had it not been for the kindness of Doctor Max who has hidden us. If I ever become King again, I'll show him all my gratitude.
QUEEN: And mine! But we were so worried about you.
KING: The people are offering to put you on the throne in place of us.
QUEEN: They are trying to use you.
KING: Especially this Ardram, this rabble rouser, this butcher.
ROSEBUD: I know all about that. My job is to marry the Lost Prince, and break the spell. Then I'll be a real Princess, not just a day time Princess.
QUEEN: When you marry him it will break the spell. But how to find him?
ROSEBUD: Piece of cake, I've already found him. Ardram is the lost prince.
KING: Ardram! Don't be ridiculous. He's just a rabblerousing demagogue.
QUEEN: An impossible alliance. You must be mistaken.
ROSEBUD: There's no mistake. His mother, who is a direct descendant of King Ardram the Stupid, told me so.
QUEEN: And what proof does she have?
ROSEBUD: She gave me the lost crown of King Ardram. See, here . (gives her father a crown)
KING: (examining it carefully)Well this looks like the real thing. It's very carefully described in the archives and there are pictures of it in several mosaics. Better marry this dude right away and break this enchantment.
ROSEBUD: Yes, but where is he?
DOCTOR MAX: He's coming down the street at the head of the mob.
ROSEBUD: Ardram, Ardram, I am here.
VOICES: Long live Queen Rosebud.
ROSEBUD: (opening the door) And King Ardram. If you make me Queen you must make him King. And we will both rule very wisely.
KING: What about us?
QUEEN: She never thinks of us.
KING: Just like kids nowadays.
ROSINA: (appearing) Well, are you sorry you lost your throne?
KING: Extremely.
QUEEN: Terribly.
ROSINA: If you are restored will you rule wisely?
KING AND QUEEN: Just as wisely as we did before.
ROSINA: And will you take care of your subjects?
KING AND QUEEN: Just as we did in the past.
ROSINA: Then you are incorrigible!
QUEEN: Absolutely. (to King) What's incorruptible mean?
ROSINA: You are not fit to rule.
KING: If I wasn't fit to rule, why did God make me a King?
ROSINA: You'll never learn.
QUEEN: The King is right.
KING: You see, she can't answer that one.
ROSINA: I had hoped to reform you.
KING: Reform me? That's pretty presumptuous.
QUEEN: Nonsense!
KING: Is that rabblerouser really a Prince?
ROSINA: Yes, he is.
KING: Well, I suppose he'll do for a son-in-law then. But we don't really want a Red in the family. We've got enough skeletons in the family closet.
QUEEN: Yes. Your father for example.
KING: Never mind my father.
QUEEN: He was mad.
KING: Forget about that.
ROSINA: I am the Queen of the Fairies and I have come to put things right. (she waves her wand and the crowd which was clamoring falls obediently silent) Now, Prince Ardram—
ARDRAM: Why do you call me Prince Ardram? I am citizen Ardram .
ROSINA: Princess Rosebud will explain.
ROSEBUD: You are the great grandson of King Ardram the Stupid .
ARDRAM: (to his Mother, who has just entered) Mother, is this true?
MOTHER: Perfectly true, my child. But I couldn't tell you until Queen Rosina gave me permission.
ROSINA: And I waited until now so that all these disorders could be calmed by your marriage to Princess Rosebud.
ROSEBUD AND ARDRAM: You want us to get married?
ROSINA: Your marriage will reunite the old monarchy with the new and calm the revolutionary fervors of the masses forever by creating a constitutional monarchy.
ARDRAM AND ROSEBUD: When must we marry?
ROSINA: Now.
(A wedding march suddenly breaks out.)
KING AND QUEEN: That's all very well, but what is to become of us?
QUEEN: Yes. What is to become of us?
ROSINA: You only care about yourselves and living a life of pleasure. You must go to France where the people are as fond of pleasure as you are. There you will be happy.
KING: That's ridiculous.
QUEEN: I agree. But, Paris is nice.
KING: (aside) The mamzelles are pretty.
VOICES: Long live King Ardram and Queen Rosebud!
(Ardram and Rosebud go out to the acclamation of the crowd.)
DOCTOR MAX: (To Rosina) A Question. What makes you think Rosebud and Ardram will make better monarchs than the present King and Queen?
ROSINA: Why they are young, idealistic and they mean well.
DOCTOR MAX: I'm old enough to remember when the King and the Queen, for that matter, were young, idealistic and meant well. And you see what happened.
ROSINA: (thinking about it) I see your point. But there's a difference. This is a fairy tale.
DOCTOR MAX: Ah! Say no more!
FINAL CURTAIN