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Etext transcribed by Dagny
CHARACTERS Gerard Saint Franquet Des Saugettes Plantaredi Tommy M Giclefort Mme Giclefort Manager (Godache) Waiter (Lamiche) Bellboy (Pointet) Usher Victor Bichon Micheline Dotty Summerson Maid (Sophy) Servants Tourists Tennis Players
Chatel-Sancy (Auvergne)
Country landscape—hills. To the left—exterior of the "Modern Hotel." Three windows—to the right: The tennis courts—tables, chairs, gazebo between the hotel and the tennis courts.
Before the curtain rises—the voices of tennis players: "Ready!" "Play!" "Your ball!" "Bravo!" "Your ball!" "Outside" "Oh damn—fifteen for us."
As the curtain rises, the Waiter is cleaning the table and dusting the chairs. The game continues in the tennis court. The Manager comes in from the hotel.
Manager (huffing and breathing hard, wiping his face)
Ahh! I'm just about dead. Hey, Lamiche, give me a hand.
Waiter
Yes, Mr Godache— Oh, it really is rather hot.
Manager
I'm sweating, my friend, I'm sweating. There is no other word.
Waiter
It's 96 in the shade.
Manager
What a summer. It's a killer. They ask when it will rain. I was
afraid of that, so I rushed to the station to be there on time.
Waiter
Didn't you have your watch?
Manager
Yes, only I didn't have the time. I have an excellent watch, only
it wanders occasionally.
Waiter
Oh—
Manager
It doesn't vary a half minute a day. But, sometimes, it stops for
an hour and then starts going again.
Waiter
That doesn't surprise me. I had a cousin like that. She had
palpitations, then one day she passed away.
Manager
She went well.
Waiter
Yes.
Manager
Just like my watch. Let's get going. (pushing him) Go, go.
(At this moment, the Maid appears in the window, holding out a
carpet. As the Manager goes in the hotel she accidentally drops the
rug and it lands on the Manager's head.)
Maid
Oh, pardon, sir.
Manager
Pay attention to what you're doing, Sophy. This is unacceptable.
Maid
It's the rug of Madame Plantaredi.
Manager
That doesn't make it any more agreeable to me. Suppose it fell on
a guest—
Maid
Oh, I would have paid attention.
Manager
A charming thing to say to me.
Mme Giclefort (rushing out of the hotel, to Giclefort who
follows her)
Come, Jewel, come—you have the folding chairs and umbrellas?
Giclefort
I've got everything. (to Manager) Hello, Mr Godache.
Mme Giclefort
Mr Godache won't have lunch with me at the hotel today.
Manager
Madame is unfaithful to us.
Mme Giclefort (simpering)
Oh—it's not me. When I commit an infidelity, it's with a man. But
still—as it is with me— (to Giclefort) Right, Benjamin?
Giclefort
Right, my dear.
Mme Giclefort
We will dine at la Rochemabelle.
Manager
Oh, oh— You will dine very badly.
Mme Giclefort
Yes—but there's a magnificent view.
Manager
Indeed. But it cannot be digested.
Giclefort
Happily, it won't stay longer.
Mme Giclefort
Oh! Oh! Charming— How witty he is! He talks like Courteline.
Manager
Then go, go to lunch at la Rochemabelle.
Giclefort
Indeed, yes—one time.
Manager
Funny idea— When here you can— But, you are on the pension
here—you are not a la carte.
Mme Giclefort
No, no!
Manager
Ah yes, oh—good! Then things will be all right. You know, I say
that one dines badly at la Rochemabelle. After all, what do I know?
Giclefort
And then, we are in good company—and one can eat only a little.
Manager
Yes—like two lovers.
Giclefort
Eh, yes.
Mme Giclefort
Oh—the fact is! I don't know what is going on with Mr Giclefort—
maybe it's the effect of the water here. Truly, there are moments.
(little amorous shiver) Ah—
Giclefort (with satisfaction)
I am in voice, yes, I am in voice.
Mme Giclefort (coughing, modest)
Hem!
Manager (to Giclefort)
What's all this?
Giclefort (to his wife)
Say, tell him a little bit about last night.
Mme Giclefort
Come! Come! You have no shame—at our age.
Giclefort
What's wrong with our age? We have seen sixty-six springtimes; but
it's still springtime.
Mme Giclefort (simpering)
Go on! Go on!
Giclefort
And when I am sixty-six—I'm only sixty-five, Mme Giclefort is the
elder. Me, I am the gigolo!
Mme Giclefort
Yes, well then, come Mr Gigolo. Do you have your shawl?
Giclefort
I have my shawl—yes—but I am a gigolo. (very proudly) I am the
gigolo.
(They leave by the right. Noise of brakes and bells in the
distance.)
Manager
Oh—the bus from the hotel! (calling) Lamiche, Pointet.
A Voice
Here!
Manager (to the Bellboy who appears)
The bus, my boy.
Bellboy
Yes, sir, I heard it.
Waiter (to Bellboy)
Come, Pointet.
(Waiter and Bellboy leave by the back.)
Des Saugettes (running in from the right, to the Manager)
Good day, sir. I ask your pardon. Madame Plantaredi sends me to
find a red silk scarf that she left in her room.
Manager
A silk?
Des Saugettes
Yes, you know, that she puts around her neck.
Manager
Yes— The Maid will know. (calling) Sophy.
Sophy (at the window)
Sir?
Manager
A silk scarf? Do you see a silk scarf?
Des Saugettes
Red?
Sophy
Red?
Des Saugettes
Yes.
Sophy
I am going to see.
Des Saugettes
If you please.
(Sophy disappears from the window.)
Des Saugettes (to Manager)
Thanks a lot.
Bichon (crossing the tennis net)
Sir.
Des Saugettes (astonished)
Me?
Bichon
Good day, sir.
Des Saugettes (still astonished)
Good day, miss.
Bichon (pointing to a ball outside the netting)
The ball, there!
Des Saugettes
Oh—pardon. (he gets it)
Bichon (taking the ball he hands to her)
If you please! Thanks.
Des Saugettes
Nothing at all. (to Manager) Who is that young girl?
Manager
She's a hooker!
Des Saugettes
Oh.
Manager
Sent by the government for the visit of the Shah of Persia.
Des Saugettes
Ah?
Sophy (returning to window)
Sir.
Manager and Des Saugettes What?
Sophy
You're sure it's red?
Des Saugettes
Scarlet—or burgundy.
Sophy
I'll look again.
Manager (seeing tourists arrive)
Excuse me, more guests arriving.
Des Saugettes
Go right ahead.
Bellboy
This way, ladies and gentlemen.
Manager
You wish room, ladies and gentlemen?
Several
If you please. Dumb question.
Manager (to one of his employees)
My register.
First Guest
I want a separate dressing room.
Manager
Surely. You will get 15 or 19. And do you want a large bed or two
beds?
Second Guest
Two! We are married.
Manager
Very well, very well. Number 14 for this gentleman and his wife.
And you, sir? A big bed or two beds?
Lady Guest
But I don't know sir.
Manager
Oh, excuse me, excuse me, I thought you were together.
Lady Guest
Huh?
Male Guest No, no! Not yet!
Lady Guest (scandalized)
What do you mean, not yet?
(Saint Franquet enters and a tennis ball strikes him in the back.
Bichon reappears in the back.)
Bichon
Did a ball fall here?
Saint Franquet
Exactly, Madame, on me.
Bichon
Oh, pardon, sir— Oh, Saint Franquet. (she comes around the net to
him)
Saint Franquet
Bichon! (aside) Oh, hell!
Bichon
It's terrible that one cannot stay in some hole in the wall
without meeting people one once knew—isn't it?
Saint Franquet
Just what I thought.
Bichon
It's not proper?
Saint Franquet
And—by what chance are you here?
Bichon
Oh, fine. I haven't told you, doll! It's true I have not seen you
since—
Saint Franquet
Doll?
Bichon
Why not?
Saint Franquet
Good, good, I don't mind.
Bichon
I am no longer with Boutinot.
Saint Franquet
What?
Bichon
I jilted him (pause) Cause he kicked me out.
Saint Franquet
No?
Bichon
Because of my hairdresser.
Saint Franquet
Oh!
Bichon
It wasn't my fault. He chose the hairdresser himself. The one who
dressed his mother.
Saint Franquet
Oh—well then!
Bichon
Well then indeed! That made it even worse. He couldn't stand it
that a hairdresser— He was very snobbish you know.
Female Tennis Player (appearing behind the net)
Well—Bichon?
Bichon
Right away! Right away! (the female Tennis Player disappears) (to
Saint Franquet) We'll see each other a little bit, right?
Saint Franquet
Certainly.
Bichon
Since we've found each other here— The two of us. Ah! Heaven does
funny things. I had a yen for you once, you know.
Saint Franquet
Can that be true?
Bichon (sitting on the bench)
When I think there was never anything between us—
Saint Franquet
Oh—you didn't want it.
Bichon
Why?
Saint Franquet
Boutinot was my friend.
Bichon
Well—he was mine, too.
Saint Franquet
It's true.
Bichon
You are the only one of his friends who didn't try.
Female Tennis Player (reappearing)
Well, Bichon—come on!
Bichon (rising)
Yes, yes, old girl, I'm coming. (to Saint Franquet) We are going
to straighten that out, now, aren't we? All my days are free.
Saint Franquet
And the nights.
Bichon
Oh— They are taken
Saint Franquet
Ah!
Bichon
Yes, I am attached to the Shah.
Saint Franquet
What do you mean by that?
Bichon
The Shah of Persia—! I am here for him! Yes, my dear! I seem like
nothing of the sort. Well, I am the favorite. For twenty-one days—
The time of the cure.
Saint Franquet
You don't say so.
Bichon
It's done the diplomatic way. The Consul spoke to Foreign Affairs
which spoke to the Interior, which, in turn, spoke to the Prefect—
near Maxims. And I was the one chosen from all the others, as the
youngest, the prettiest, and because I don't look like a whore.
Saint Franquet
My compliments.
Bichon (sitting down again)
So, you understand, naturally my nights. Oh— They are not merely
acts of being here—because the Shah, you know—phut! He does it like
a drunken lion brandishing a knife. But in bed—in love— Oh! No—
between us—indeed—no!
Saint Franquet
Aha!
Bichon
Oh! No, no, no more of the Shah, no more of the Shah.
Male Tennis Player (against the net)
Well Bichon— Are you playing or not?
Bichon (rising)
But, I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm talking with this gentleman. A
friend. (presenting the player to Saint Franquet) Another.
Saint Franquet (bowing)
Sir!
Bichon (to Saint Franquet)
Then—soon.
Saint Franquet
Certainly.
Bichon (returning to him)
Moreover, I won't be irritated by talking to you.
Saint Franquet
To talk with me.
Bichon
It's the same thing. I have to talk to you, because you can give
me some advice. It's about a thing proposed to me—a thing—important!
Saint Franquet (ruffling her)
Important.
Bichon
Don't joke—it is serious. They want me to go into the theater—
Saint Franquet
Aha!
Bichon
There, as you are a painter, it's the same as art. What should I
take up. Singing or dancing girl?
Saint Franquet
Is that so? No, but— You sing, too?
Bichon
Well-in my fashion?
Tennis Player Out of tune.
Bichon
"Out of tune."— There. The other one. He doesn't know how to
return a tennis ball and he mixes in like a judge. No—that is to say,
I sing well enough by myself— It's the accompaniment that puts me
out.
Saint Franquet
Aha.
Bichon
You understand. The orchestra plays one tune, I sing another—we
have to go together. Despite myself, I sing the same thing as the
orchestra.
Saint Franquet
Oh—the devil! This is serious.
Bichon
Yes— Oh! but the director said it wasn't important, since I have
very pretty legs.
Saint Franquet
Oh, then—
Female Tennis Player
Oh— Listen, Bichon, that's enough— It is boring.
Bichon
Coming, coming. (to Saint Franquet) See you again, Gerard. We will
see each other.
Saint Franquet
Yes, yes.
Bichon
That's agreed. Soon! (crossing the net) Who do I serve to?
Female Tennis Player
You receive, little one, you receive.
Bichon
Oh—fine.
(They disappear. Saint Franquet watches them and makes a little
pout of discontent.)
Usher
Here, the Manager, sir. (he disappears)
Manager (entering)
Excuse me, sir, but I had to take care of some guests who just
arrived. Doubtless you wish a room?
Saint Franquet
Indeed—soon.
Manager
Would you give me your name?
Saint Franquet
Gerard Saint Franquet.
Manager
Oh—for sure.
Saint Franquet
You know me?
Manager
Not at all, sir.
Saint Franquet
Oh—you spoke as if—"For sure."
Manager
I cannot doubt what you tell me.
Saint Franquet
Certainly.
Des Saugettes (out of breath, brandishing a scarf)
There it is, sir, I got it.
Saint Franquet
Oh—I thank you very much, for returning to tell me.
Des Saugettes
Oh—I didn't return. I just had to come this way. I beg your
pardon.
Saint Franquet
But go on. I would be desolated—
Des Saugettes
Good-day, sir. (he leaves by the right)
Saint Franquet
Communicative, that fellow.
Giclefort (rushes in, followed by his wife)
You wait for me, okay, you wait for me.
Mme Giclefort
Yes, go, sweety, go!
Giclefort (entering the hotel)
Right, right—
Manager
Already returning, Mme Giclefort?
Mme Giclefort
Don't speak to me about it. Mr Giclefort makes me despair. He's a
real greenhorn. Can you imagine that he let his belt out—pretending
it was hot? (to Saint Franquet) Yes, sir. Then, naturally he was taken
by these little cramps.
Manager
Oh!
Mme Giclefort (to Saint Franquet He has very delicate intestines. It's his weak side.
Saint Franquet
Oh, Truly, oh!
Mme Giclefort
Excuse me, but I prefer to go up, because when I am not there, he
makes everything a mess.
Saint Franquet
Oh.
Mme Giclefort (curtseying)
Excuse me. (she leaves)
Saint Franquet
That woman is communicative, too.
Manager
Yes, but in fact, since you are a Parisian, you must have heard of
her— It's the famous Stolzini.
Saint Franquet
The famous dancer—
Manager
Ah, yes sir, what a nice household—if monsieur knew—
Saint Franquet
Ah—her husband?
Manager
No—he's her lover.
Saint Franquet
Oh—
Manager
He's Mr Giclefort, the proprietor of the "Pretty Gardener."
Saint Franquet
Ah—
Manager
Would you like to see your rooms?
Saint Franquet
Yes—yes—I've been told you have fine ones.
Manager
Thank you.
Saint Franquet
By Mr Plantaredi and his wife.
Manager
But, they are here.
Saint Franquet
Are they? That's curious.
Manager
Would you like a room next to theirs?
Saint Franquet
That would be nice.
Manager
I won't give you the one next to Mme Plantaredi.
Saint Franquet
Why not?
Manager
Because it is much smaller.
Saint Franquet
I have a horror of large rooms.— Besides, it must be cheaper.
Manager
No—same price.
Saint Franquet
I'll take the one I prefer for the same price.
Manager
Then, I'll put you in number 13.
Saint Franquet
Fine! Fine.
(The Manager goes into the hotel. Plantaredi comes from the tennis
courts with a racket.)
Plantaredi
Ah—Saint Franquet
Saint Franquet (pretending astonishment)
For goodness sakes. If I had expected—
Plantaredi
What do you mean, if you had expected? You knew very well we were
going to be here.
Saint Franquet
Me? Not at all!
Plantaredi
What do you mean, not at all? I myself told you, when you asked me
where we were spending the summer.
Saint Franquet
I don't remember asking you—
Plantaredi
Come on, admit you came to find us—
Saint Franquet
Nothing of the sort!
Plantaredi
It would be nice.
Saint Franquet
I only came to get away—
Plantaredi
From what?
Saint Franquet
My nerves—I twitch at night, like I just got an electric shock.
Plantaredi
Then, you must leave immediately.
Saint Franquet
Why?
Plantaredi
The waters here are phosphorescent, radioactive, super exciting.
Saint Franquet
Bah! I'll stay out of the waters.
Plantaredi
Why tell me these stories? You are here for us.
Saint Franquet (with energy)
No.
Plantaredi
Yes! Only, you don't want to say it, because you are afraid my
wife might greet you coldly.
Saint Franquet
Me?
Plantaredi
I don't know why my wife has it in for you, my friend. But, she
can't stand having you around.
Saint Franquet
Really?
Plantaredi
What do you want? Still, my friend, you are clumsy. One would say
you didn't know women. To penetrate a household and show a preference
for the husband alienates the wife.— It's well known, each time you
visit, you say "I come to see your husband." That's nice for my wife.
Saint Franquet
I hadn't looked at it that way.
Plantaredi
Wait! Here she is, right now, you are going to see. You are going
to see her mind—
(Micheline comes in from the right, followed by Des Saugettes
loaded down with umbrellas, rackets, mantles, etc.)
Micheline
Do you have everything, Des Saugettes?
Des Saugettes
I believe, yes, I have everything.
Micheline
Well—the camera.
Des Saugettes
Oh, my God! The camera. I left the camera.
Micheline
You have only to bring that, and you forget the camera.
Des Saugettes
I am unforgivable. I don't know how I could— Oh—
Plantaredi
Go, go—now, fetch it.
Des Saugettes
Yes, yes. (he runs out)
Plantaredi
Scatterbrain! Go!
Saint Franquet
Dear Madame.
Micheline
Mr Saint Franquet, here!
Saint Franquet
Yes! Yes, Madame.
Micheline (icily)
Oh— Enchanted.
Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
Well—well— What did I tell you.— Her mind, eh?
Saint Franquet
But—no—I don't see.
Micheline (to Plantaredi)
What "her mind, eh?" What do you mean by that— "Her mind, eh?"
Plantaredi
Nothing, nothing. I told him that when you should see him, you
would show him your mind.
Micheline
Me?
Plantaredi
Yes, of course. And there it is. You can't stand the smell of him.
That's a clear fact. And now he knows.
Micheline (shrugging her shoulders)
I can't stand the smell of him! Oh, that's stupid, what you are
saying. I neither smell, nor not smell Mr Saint Franquet.
Saint Franquet
But evidently!
Des Saugettes (running in out of breath)
Here—here's—the camera.
Plantaredi
About time! You are winded?
Des Saugettes
No—oh, but give me your chair, you are burdened.
Saint Franquet
This isn't a man— It's a cloak room.
Plantaredi
Thanks. (letting Des Saugettes take everything) (to Saint
Franquet) Now—I am going to present a charming boy to you—Mr Des
Saugettes.
Des Saugettes (touched)
Oh, monsieur Plantaredi.
Saint Franquet
But, I've already had the pleasure of meeting him, just now.
Des Saugettes
Yes—sort of—
Saint Franquet
Running after a silk scarf, like a butterfly after a snare.
Plantaredi
Ah yes, my wife's scarf. But, that's not all. We've got to go in
and change clothes. My wife and I are sweating.
Micheline
What? Speak for yourself.
Plantaredi
Well—so be it. I am sweating and my wife is perspiring.
Micheline
Not at all. What an idea!
Plantaredi
What— There's nothing to be ashamed of— My little Saugettes.
Des Saugettes
Sir.
Plantaredi
You are going to come up with me and give me a rub down.
Des Saugettes
But, with pleasure, sir.
Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
You have no idea how agreeable this boy is! He gives me a rub down
every day.
Saint Franquet
Really?
Des Saugettes (flattered)
Oh, sir.
Plantaredi
And, he does a good job.
Des Saugettes
Oh, sir, truly!
Plantaredi
Yes, yes, no false modesty. Too bad he's well off. He'd make an
admirable masseur.
Des Saugettes (laughing modestly)
Oh, you flatter me, Mr. Plantaredi, you flatter me.
Plantaredi
I speak as I think. (to Saint Franquet) If you have aches, pains,
rheumatism, I recommend him to you.
Des Saugettes (very touched)
Oh, I am confused, really, I am confused.
Plantaredi
Give him a little massage.
Des Saugettes
With pleasure.
Saint Franquet
Very nice of you—but I don't have any rheumatism.
Des Saugettes
Oh—I regret—
Saint Franquet
Not me—but I'm touched all the same.
Plantaredi
Let's go. (to Micheline) And you, since you are not perspiring,
well, are you going to keep company with your friend Saint Franquet?
Micheline
Me? Me?— But—
Plantaredi
But yes, but yes. (to Saint Franquet) Well, do you believe me now
when I tell you she can't stand the smell of you? Do you believe it?
Micheline
Oh, please shut up—you are ridiculous.
Plantaredi
Oh—you'll have a hard time being sociable.
Micheline (between her teeth)
Imbecile!
Plantaredi
Yes, dear. (to Des Saugettes) Come, come, my appointed master. (he
pushes him into the hotel in front of him) Till later.
Saint Franquet (with feeling)
Oh thanks, thanks, for those words of love which you husband just
now uttered.
Micheline (dazed)
Huh! What? What words of love?
Saint Franquet
"You can't stand the smell of me."
Micheline
You find love in that?
Saint Franquet
Absolutely! For have I done anything to you? No— Then, why do you
detest me, unless you're afraid you will fall in love with me?
Micheline
Oh, for heaven's sake. Talk about fatuousness.
Saint Franquet
Fatuous, perhaps—but it is based on observation.
Micheline
First of all, sir—what did you come here for?
Saint Franquet
Why, the waters—for depression.
Micheline
Come on, come on, tell that to someone else. You decided it was
not enough to invade my domicile all winter, and to insinuate yourself
into the good graces of my husband, having profited to the extent of
implanting yourself in my house—in my household.
Saint Franquet
Oh— Oh.
Micheline
Let me speak! To the point where people began to gossip.
Saint Franquet
Why did these people mix in?
Micheline
— In what's none of their business! What? They have the right,
indeed. And now, you have the cheek to come here to chase me again, to
expose me—again—
Saint Franquet
But, not at all! I am a friend of your husband. I came to find
him, that's very natural.
Micheline
There! There! What I just told you. Those are your tactics!
(seeing the Gicleforts leave the hotel) And now, I beg you—in front
of people— It wouldn't be past you to cause me a scene in public.
Saint Franquet
What?
Micheline
Smile—come on, smile!
Saint Franquet (dazed)
Yes—yes!
(Both force smiles on their faces.)
Mme Giclefort (to Mr Giclefort)
Hurry! Come on, hurry! (They both sit on the bench and smile at
Saint Franquet and Micheline) Well—it's over. The impudent little
fellow has put on his belt.
Micheline and Saint Franquet Oh!— Oh?
Mme Giclefort
Sir— Madame— (she and her husband leave)
Micheline (returning to the war)
It really is your tactic. For many years you knew my husband, and
met him in your circle of acquaintances— And from when dates this
colossal tenderness—huh?
Saint Franquet
From when?
Micheline (rising)
Don't lie! The date—I can be precise—was the date of the day
after you first saw me with him.
Saint Franquet
Oh— And then? When would it be? When love dictated to me what you
call "this tactic."
Micheline
Finally! You admit it.
Saint Franquet (rising also)
Yes, I admit it. I admit it, now that what I wanted to happen has
happened. Your husband couldn't leave me alone until he introduced me
to you. And then, that was the completion of my wishes. I was happy I
could see you, live your life, breathe your air—you were there.
Micheline
You hear him! You hear him!
Saint Franquet
Why are you so sulky with me? Because I commit the crime of
looking for a way to be near you?— But, have I once asked anything of
you?
Micheline
No—but that will come.
Saint Franquet
Since I want to be your lover—
Micheline
You admit it, you admit it.
Saint Franquet
If one day, in a moment of weakness—you feel yourself
disposed—to me—
Micheline
And, if in a moment of weakness, I felt myself disposed to you—?
Saint Franquet
In moments like that, if it's not me, it's someone else— Let it
be me.
Micheline
So, so, it's out in the open. Well no, my friend, no—get it out
of your head—I'll never be your mistress.
Saint Franquet
I don't know why you say things like that to me.
Micheline (pronouncing each word)
I will not do it!
Saint Franquet
Well—that's good. That's fine. (Micheline sits on the bench, a
little time goes by) How badly you know me.
Micheline
Yes—pretty deception! It's for my husband's pretty eyes that you
surround him with your kindness. And his charms made you want him to
sit for his portrait.
Saint Franquet
You have no right to speak of that. You played that trick on me.
Micheline
You said you wanted to paint those features "which were most dear
to you." I naturally thought you meant his.
Saint Franquet
That was a crude little trick of yours. But he was still a little
part of you—so I made him as pretty as I could.
Micheline
He was very happy with it.
Saint Franquet
By God, he's never looked so good! Ah, why must I love you?
(forcefully) Oh yes, I love you!
Micheline
Not so loud! Not so loud!
Saint Franquet (choking)
Oh yes, I love you.
Micheline
But, what's wrong with you? I've never seen you in such a state.
Saint Franquet
It's the water. It's the water. I haven't yet drunk any, but never
mind, I feel regenerated already. It's the radioactivity. (rushing to
her) Ah, Micheline! Micheline!
Micheline
You leave me alone! You leave me alone!
Saint Franquet
No, no, Micheline.
Micheline (pushing him, her flower falls off)
Pay attention— You broke my flower.
Saint Franquet
What does it matter? Micheline!
Micheline
Everything! People are coming.
Saint Franquet (picking up the flower)
Oh.
Micheline
Smile! Smile! (she sits down)
Saint Franquet (sitting, too)
Yes, yes. (smiles all around)
Manager (melon in hand)
Then—off the right—and you will find the spring on the left.
Tourists/Guests Thanks. Thanks a lot.
(The Tourists, a bit astonished at the smiles of Micheline and
Saint Franquet, return the grimaces and leave.)
Manager
Ah—you have found Madame Plantaredi.
Saint Franquet (irritated)
Yes! Yes.
Micheline (choking)
What? (she gets up sharply, as does Saint Franquet)
Manager (confidentially)
I am going to get a new melon, this one is too ripe.
Saint Franquet
Oh—oh—good.
Manager (bowing)
Monsieur, Madame. (he goes out)
Micheline
Oh really, you are mad! Have you been confiding in this man?
Saint Franquet
Oh, me, not at all! He told me you were here, and all I said was,
"I'd be glad to see them."
Micheline
Now, who's going to believe that? Of the three hundred guests in
the hotel, he just up and said the Plantaredis are here—and he
doesn't know you from Adam.
Saint Franquet
It didn't happen that way at all.
Micheline (accompanying her words with nervous little taps
on the table in front of her)
Oh—no, of course it didn't happen that way! Did you plan to do
everything you could to compromise me?
Saint Franquet
Me? No!
Micheline
Yes, you.
Saint Franquet
She's worried.
Waiter (coming out of the hotel)
Did you want something, sir?
Saint Franquet (absently)
Worried. No, I didn't call you—it was the lady.
Waiter
What'll it be, mam?
Micheline
I want—I would like—
Saint Franquet
A Pina Colada—virgin.
Waiter
Yes, sir.
Micheline
What's a virgin?
Saint Franquet
No alcohol in it.
Micheline
What's that waiter going to think of me? You are completely crazy.
Saint Franquet
It doesn't matter to me what he thinks.
Micheline
But not to me! What am I? A woman who picks her nose? You have a
way of mixing in everything—
Saint Franquet
Oh—no, no. (passionately) Oh, if you knew.
Micheline
Oh—no, no—you're not going to start all over again, are you?
Anyway, give me my flower.
Saint Franquet
Your flower?
Micheline
Yes, my carnation.
Saint Franquet
You're not going to take it away from me? Are you?
Micheline
You are going to make me mad. (she tears the carnation from him)
Saint Franquet
Oh—you are cruel!
Micheline
Goodbye, dear sir.
Saint Franquet
I love you, Micheline.
Micheline
I forbid you to all me Micheline.
Saint Franquet
I love you, dear lady.
Micheline
Dear lady— Oh—you make me laugh.
Saint Franquet
That's it. Laugh! Laugh! When one laughs, one is half disarmed.
Micheline
But, you refuse to understand, my poor friend—I don't cheat on my
husband.
Saint Franquet
That's very funny.
Micheline
Not at all!
Saint Franquet
Well—all the same, if you change your mind, by chance— Let it be
with me!
Micheline (laughing)
No, really, you are laughable.
Saint Franquet
But damn it, you cannot love him.
Micheline
Who?
Saint Franquet
Your husband! Look at him. There he is in the window. He looks
radiant. Radiant! Yes, bonjour, bonjour— Have a nice rub down. Go on!
Micheline
Don't you mock him. I won't stand for it.
Saint Franquet
I am not mocking him. But, look at him—with that imbecile— How
can you love him? Has he got the figure of a lover?
Micheline
I thought it was you who loved him?
Saint Franquet
Certainly I love him. I love him like a friend—but not like a
lover.
Micheline
Oh no, no—and that's enough. (Plantaredi disappears from the
window) I warn you, if you start again, I'll call my husband.
Saint Franquet
If you think I'll give in to such threats— Call your husband. I
still love you. There will be a brouhaha. At least, we'll have a
situation.
Micheline
Oh—you defy me. Very well, it's you who asked for it. Antoine,
Antoine.
Saint Franquet (seizing her hand and pulling her to him)
Oh no, no—you are not going to do that.
Plantaredi (opening the window)
Did you call me, my dear?
Saint Franquet
No, no!
Plantaredi
Hey, that's nice. Hand in hand. You are doing it for me. Bravo!
Saint Franquet
Eh, yes, yes, yes. (to Micheline) Right?
Micheline
Right.
Saint Franquet
Madame Plantaredi loves me now.
Micheline
What?
Saint Franquet
No—I mean—from now on, hostilities have ceased.
Plantaredi
L'Entente Cordiale! Bravo. Hey, have you seen my shorts, I can't
find them?
Micheline
Wait, I'm coming up. (to Saint Franquet) With your permission.
Saint Franquet
I beg you.
Plantaredi
Was it difficult?
Saint Franquet
Oh!
Plantaredi
Don't repel her. It's all in knowing how to handler her.
Saint Franquet
Right.
Plantaredi
Excuse me. (he disappears inside)
Waiter (coming in with drinks)
The Pina Colada—virgin.
(Saint Franquet pays the Waiter. Dotty arrives, followed by Tommy.)
Dotty
Hurry up, Tommy. You're slow as a tortoise.
Tommy
It's because you walk so fast, Dotty.
Dotty (sees Saint Franquet and almost faints)
Oh— Shut up, Tommy!— Oh!
Tommy
What is it?
Dotty
Oh!
Saint Franquet (embarrassed)
Something must be wrong with me.
Dotty (going to him)
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Saint Franquet
Huh! Bonjour, Madame.
Dotty
No— Mademoiselle. Not married.
Saint Franquet (correcting)
Mademoiselle. Very pleased to meet you. (she shakes his hand and
won't let go) But, you must be making a mistake, Miss. I can't recall
ever meeting you before.
Dotty
Me either! I don't know you.
Saint Franquet (stunned)
Oh! Oh!
Dotty (presenting Tommy)
My fiancé.
Saint Franquet
Delighted.
Tommy (like a martyr)
Yes.
Dotty (to Tommy, while devouring Saint Franquet with her
eyes)
Oh! How lovely. Isn't he, Tommy?
Tommy (scandalized)
What do you mean, Dotty?
Dotty
Oh, shut up, Tommy! Oh, lovely! Lovely!
Saint Franquet (dazed)
I beg your pardon, but—I just go there and—
Dotty
Oh, pardon, pardon.
Saint Franquet
Certainly—certainly—very happy.
Tommy (champing at the bit)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Dotty (to Saint Franquet)
Are you staying for a while?
Saint Franquet
For a while—yes, yes.
Dotty
Oh—then, we'll go for walks together—you'll like that?
Saint Franquet
Huh? Oh! Certainly! Certainly Miss, Sir. (aside) It's got to be
the waters here— Oh. (he escapes to the hotel)
Dotty
Oh, Tommy! Tommy! The young man is living in the hotel with us.
Tommy
Yes—but who is he?
Dotty
I don't know. I don't know him. I love him. I love him.
Tommy
But, Dotty, I am your fiancé.
Dotty
Yes. But, you promised you would do everything I wanted.
Tommy
That's true, but—
Dotty
Well—go tell him! I love him and I want to marry him.
Tommy
You're asking me to—? What about me?
Dotty
You can marry someone else. I am going to marry him.
Tommy
Dotty! I love you.
Dotty
Poor Tommy. And I love him. Oh, what wretches we are!
Tommy
I'm going to go have my head examined.
Dotty
Why, Tommy?
Tommy
'Cause I'm going to kill myself.
Dotty
But, Tommy, I love you very much. Only not for marriage. So, tell
him I love him. I love him.
Tommy
Oh, oh! Never. Never. Better I kill him.
Dotty
Tommy, if you do that I will never marry you.
Tommy
And, if I don't do it?
Dotty
Then, I'll marry him.
Tommy (sitting down, head in hand)
Poor, poor Tommy.
Dotty (consoling him)
Don't cry, Tommy. Don't cry
(Bichon appears with two partners who go off.)
Bichon
That's that. See you soon for revenge.
Dotty (pointing to Bichon)
Oh look, look The little lady who ate near us in the restaurant.
Tommy
Yes.
Dotty
Oh, Miss—
Bichon
Me? Miss?
Dotty
Pardon—I wanted to ask you—I don't know how to say it—
Bichon
Go on, Miss. Go on.
Dotty
Are you a hooker?
Bichon (dazed)
What?
Dotty (in spite of signs from Tommy)
No, I mean—you are very—
Bichon (guardedly)
Yes, yes—I understand, I understand, Miss. Oh, but allow me—
Dotty
You're not angry?
Bichon
No! No!
Dotty
Then, you are a woman—for love?
Bichon (philosophically)
You might say that.
Dotty
And, all the men love you?
Bichon
There are not too many to complain of.
Dotty
Oh, tell me! Tell me! How do you do it?
Bichon
But, you are asking me to give you an education.
Dotty
Oh, tell me! Tell me! Yes, because I don't know. And I want to
know how to make all the men love me.
Bichon
Oh! Oh?
Dotty
Because I love one fellow so much.
Bichon (interested)
Really? Who's that?
Dotty
I don't know. I don't know him. It's a thunderbolt.
Bichon (to Tommy)
Oh, isn't she sweet?
Dotty
Yes—a thunderbolt.
Tommy (sadly)
Dotty!
Dotty
Let me alone, Tommy! (to Bichon) This is my fiancé.
Bichon
Oh! Oh! (Tommy rises) My congratulations, sir.
Tommy (miserable)
Thanks.
Dotty
Because my father raises more hogs than anyone in America.
Bichon
Oh! Oh!
Dotty
He's a millionaire.
Bichon
To make millions with pigs!
Dotty
So, what shall I do?
Bichon
Well—if you love him—you must tell him.
Dotty
I asked my fiancé and (indignantly) he wouldn't do it for me!
Tommy (furious)
Oh no!
(Saint Franquet enters. Dotty sees him.)
Dotty
Oh, dear me, here he is.
Bichon (laughing)
No! Hey, Gerard!
Saint Franquet (annoyed)
Oh, Bichon again. (aloud) What?
Dotty
Oh, no. Be quiet!
Bichon (to Saint Franquet)
Can you imagine, this lady—?
Dotty
Oh no, no, I'm going. Come, Tommy—
Tommy
Yes—I'm coming. I hate that guy—
(Dotty and Tommy leave.)
Bichon
Well, old friend, can you imagine? You have inspired a passion.
Saint Franquet
Me?
Bichon
Yes. The little lady. The thunderbolt! Daughter of a millionaire.
Wow, I adore you! This turns me on! (she hangs on his neck)
Saint Franquet (pushing her off)
Come, if someone saw you.
Bichon
Well— They would say you were getting on well.
Saint Franquet
Look—I'm very pleased to have found you again, but I'm here with
some people—people of the world.
Bichon
What, then? Am I not a woman of the world?
Saint Franquet
That's not what I mean. (seeing Plantaredi) Oh, hell! (to Bichon)
Go away! Go away. One of the people in question.
Bichon
Oh, that one—oh, my old friend.
Saint Franquet
What do you mean, "oh, my old friend"?
Bichon
Fine, perfect. (going) I haven't see you. I haven't seen you.
Saint Franquet (between his teeth)
What a tart!
Plantaredi (coming in)
Do you know that little woman there?
Saint Franquet
Me? Not at all. She was asking some information of me. The way to
the spring.
Plantaredi
What nonsense—the spring. She goes there twice a day. She wanted
to take a walk with you.
Saint Franquet
What do you want me to say? I don't know her.
Plantaredi
What a shame.
Saint Franquet
Why?
Plantaredi (checking to make sure his wife cannot hear him)
She pleases me a lot.
Saint Franquet
You are a serious man.
Plantaredi
Well, yes—serious. Serious in Paris— But here— Well, I fell a
little raunchy.
Saint Franquet
And your wife?
Plantaredi
She? Oh, she intimidates me.
Saint Franquet (enchanted)
Truly?
Plantaredi
Honest women leave me cold.
Saint Franquet
Get out!
Plantaredi
I don't know how to say it. She's like the institution of marriage
itself. It castrates me. One can say these things to a friend— She
doesn't like it very much.
Saint Franquet (delighted)
With you?
Plantaredi
Certainly with me. And not with anyone else, for sure.
Saint Franquet
Yes— That's what I meant to say—
Plantaredi
The truth is, we are not well suited temperamentally.
Saint Franquet
Yes, yes—
Plantaredi
I am so passionate and she's frigid. Well, I think I've come to a
turning point.
Saint Franquet
Yes—the coming of old age.
Plantaredi
Bah! I'm going to the spring.
Saint Franquet
To find the little woman?
Plantaredi
To drink my water. I'll be right back. If my wife comes, tell her.
Saint Franquet
Understood.
(Plantaredi leaves by the right. Bichon appears at the tennis nets.)
Bichon
Hep!
Saint Franquet
Huh! It's you again.
Bichon
Tel me—was it for this marriage you are making all that fuss?
Saint Franquet
What?
Bichon
Oh right, you know—do we have to repeat—because the wife— Aha.
(she wiggles)
Saint Franquet
What do you mean—the wife, aha? What do you mean?
Bichon
She's like the others, my dear, like the others.
Saint Franquet (furious)
Like the others! I forbid you to say that.
Des Saugettes (leaving)
I ask your pardon. I am going to get Mr Plantaredi's letters at
the post office.
Saint Franquet
Yes, go— That's fine. (to Bichon) What do you mean—"the wife,
aha?"
Bichon
Well, you have only to ask your friend.
Saint Franquet
What friend?
Bichon
The little gigolo—who's going to fetch the husband's letters. Oh,
oh, my poor little old friend.
Saint Franquet
What are you insinuating?
Bichon
Nothing, nothing. I was wrong to tell you. I see you are vexed.
Saint Franquet
Me? I was going to kiss you.
Bichon
Really? Just try it.
Saint Franquet
Just so! (embracing her with rage)
Bichon
Watch out—someone's coming.
Saint Franquet
Oh—someone's looking. Still, I'll kiss you, tousle you. (seeing
Micheline in the hotel door) Oh— Do you want to escape? Do you want
to get away?
Bichon
Oh—little one—it's not my fault. (she wiggles out to the right)
Saint Franquet
What a tart that woman is!
Micheline
Oh, my congratulations and my excuses for coming so inopportunely
to upset your amorous effusions.
Saint Franquet
It wasn't so bad.
Micheline (despite herself, a bit nervously)
A relative, no doubt.
Saint Franquet
Not at all. A coquette.
Micheline
At least you are frank.
Saint Franquet
Men are.
Micheline
What do you mean by that?
Saint Franquet
Men are frank, and women are not. They flaunt their virtue when
they don't like the man who is prattling of love to them, but they
know better than to talk that way to a gigolo who they prefer to flirt
with.
Micheline
Your remark is directed at me?
Saint Franquet
I didn't name anyone. You recognize yourself rather quickly.
Micheline
If it wasn't directed at me, your remark wouldn't make any sense,
therefore it is useless to play the Jesuit.
Saint Franquet
Then, you admit this little imbecile of a Des Saugettes—
Micheline
I admit nothing. Think what you like. I don't have to give an
account to you—
Saint Franquet (pacing up and down)
True. Very true! (stopping) I am not sorry to have figured you
out!
Micheline (also angry)
Good, good. (seeing Des Saugettes) Des Saugettes.
Saint Franquet (between his teeth)
The little puppet.
Des Saugettes
Here I am back.
Micheline (uneasily Yes, yes.
Saint Franquet (looking at Des Saugettes' buttonhole)
My word—he does have her flower.
Des Saugettes
Did you hear thunder? I believe we're in for it.
Saint Franquet
Yes—I think we're in for it, too.
Micheline
We'd better go in.
Des Saugettes
Willingly.
Saint Franquet
Ah—Mr Des Saugettes—pardon me.
Des Saugettes
Dear sir?
Saint Franquet
What is that flower you are wearing?
Des Saugettes
It's a carnation.
Saint Franquet (breathing hard imitating Des Saugettes)
It's a carnation. You are an idiot.
Des Saugettes
Huh?
Micheline (afraid of a scandal)
Mr Saint Franquet.
Saint Franquet
A carnation. I know enough about botany to recognize that.
Des Saugettes
But you asked me?
Saint Franquet
Yes. Well, sir, would you kindly withdraw this flower?
Des Saugettes
Huh?
Saint Franquet (drawing out his words)
Would you kindly withdraw this flower?
Des Saugettes
But—
Saint Franquet
Do you wish, sir, to withdraw this flower?
Micheline
I beg you, Mr Saint Franquet.
Saint Franquet
And I beg you, too, Madame. This is a matter between the gentleman
and myself.
Des Saugettes
Pardon, sir, I don't understand.
Saint Franquet
You haven't understood! It displeases me to see that flower in
your buttonhole. Take it out.
(Lightning flashes.)
Des Saugettes
Sir, I'm not accustomed to—
Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
But, you have gone mad.
Saint Franquet
Exactly. I've gone mad.
(Thunder.)
Saint Franquet (to Des Saugettes)
If, in two seconds, you have not removed that flower, I will pull
your ears off.
Des Saugettes (moving back a little)
Ah, but, sir—
Micheline
Mr Saint Franquet!
Des Saugettes
Sir, you must know—
Saint Franquet (jumping)
Sir, sir. What are you saying, "I must know." "You dare me." "I
must know." Do you hear that? I must know, I must know.
Micheline (overwhelmed)
Sir— Mr de Saint Franquet.
Saint Franquet
Do you intend to remove that flower?
Des Saugettes
No, but listen—
Saint Franquet
You don't wish to withdraw it? As you please.
(Saint Franquet strikes Des Saugettes.)
Des Saugettes (holding his cheeks)
Oh—but look here. I am going to take it away.
Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
You are insane! You are losing your mind. By what right do you—?
Saint Franquet
Pardon me, Madame, I am the sole judge of my actions.
Micheline
This is too much!
(Lightning.)
Plantaredi (arriving)
How's the Entente Cordiale going?
(Thunder.)
Micheline
Oh, you are here. You came just in time. This gentleman—
Des Saugettes
Yes—can you imagine—
Saint Franquet
Let me explain.
Micheline
No sir, please. My husband wants me to speak.
Plantaredi
What? What? At it again?
Des Saugettes (pointing to Saint Franquet)
Can you imagine? I didn't say anything—
Plantaredi
Shut up, Des Saugettes.
Micheline
You are my husband. It's up to you to make them respect me.
Plantaredi
What—someone dared to show you lack of respect?
Micheline
You know my flower, my carnation—my carnation—well, Des
Saugettes put it in his buttonhole.
Plantaredi (to Des Saugettes)
This is too much! Why? Why did you put this carnation in your
buttonhole?
Des Saugettes
Me?
Micheline
But he's not at fault! Leave this child alone.
Plantaredi (to Des Saugettes)
Oh—sorry.
Des Saugettes
No problem.
Plantaredi
But, then who? Who?
Micheline (pointing to Saint Franquet)
This gentleman—who has just made an unspeakable scene and just
struck Mr Saugettes.
Saint Franquet
Right!
Des Saugettes
Yes—I don't understand, I said nothing to him.
Plantaredi
Can't you keep out of this! Leave us alone, okay?
Des Saugettes
Oh!
Micheline
Well—what do you think?
Plantaredi
Well—what do you mean? It was bothersome for Des Saugettes—
Micheline
Eh! Des Saugettes has nothing to do with this. It's a question of
me! Of you!
Plantaredi
Of us?
Micheline
You find it natural for this gentleman to compromise me, making a
scandal over this flower—
Saint Franquet
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Micheline
Yes, sir, you asked me, and it's because I refused you—
Saint Franquet
When can I speak—?
Des Saugettes
And then, apropos of nothing, without reason, I received a blow.
Plantaredi
Will you leave us in peace! No one is paying attention to you
here.
Micheline
Oh, you admit that, you, you admit that?
Plantaredi
Not at all! (to Saint Franquet) My wife is right, sir. Can you
explain to me?
Saint Franquet
Right, right, it's very good. If you think it is all right for
this little gentleman to display in his buttonhole flowers people have
seen your wife wear.
Micheline
That is not your concern!
Plantaredi
Absolutely!
Saint Franquet
If you allow this gigolo to make you ridiculous—
All Three
Ridiculous!
Plantaredi
"Ridiculous." Are you insinuating that my wife—?
Saint Franquet
No, but—
Plantaredi
Then, why are you mixing in?
Saint Franquet
Oh—if you take that tone—
Plantaredi
I take whatever tone pleases me.
Saint Franquet
Do you speak to me like that! Sir, you don't know me. You will
have an affair with me.
Plantaredi
Useless to put on grand airs with me. Because I'm not a bully, do
you believe you can frighten me?
Micheline
Well, you see him, your friend, you see him! And you reproach me
for keeping him at a distance. You see, you can have confidence in
him.
Des Saugettes
Oh no, I will remember this. To think how I put myself out to be
nice to everyone— And because of a flower, I get hit in the face. Oh,
not at all— This can go on forever.
Plantaredi
Enough. Let's stop this. (to Saint Franquet) Tomorrow, sir, you
will receive my seconds.
Saint Franquet
Fine, sir, I am at your disposition.
Micheline (to Plantaredi)
My friend, my friend, you are not going to fight.
Manager (overwhelmed)
A fight. A fight in my hotel. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I beg you—
Plantaredi
Go take a walk.
Manager (submissively)
Yes. (to Saint Franquet) Sir, sir—for my hotel.
Saint Franquet
Go for your walk!
(The guests have come out to watch.)
Saint Franquet (to guests)
What do you want? Is this your affair?
Guests (disconcerted)
No—but—
Saint Franquet
Well, go eat! Go walk!
(The guests leave, grumbling.)
Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
Sir, your conduct is unworthy!
Plantaredi (to Micheline)
That's fine! That's fine. No more. (between his teeth) My God, how
stupid this is.
Micheline (low to Des Saugettes)
As for you, why did you have to put that flower in your
buttonhole?
Plantaredi
Yes. What did you do that for?
Des Saugettes
But, I didn't know, sir. It had fallen to the earth, and I didn't
want to step on it.
Micheline
You are a little beast! A little beast!
Des Saugettes
I— Oh!
(They go into the hotel, leaving Des Saugettes behind.)
Saint Franquet (pacing in rage)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Des Saugettes
Listen, sir, now we are alone—
Saint Franquet
Oh—you get to hell away from me or I'll break your face.
Des Saugettes (disconcerted)
Oh yes, sir, yes.
Saint Franquet
Tomorrow, my seconds.
Des Saugettes
As many as you like, sir, as many as you like. (going) Sacred name
of God!
Bichon (rushing in)
What has happened? A dispute?
Saint Franquet
Oh—you—go to the devil!
Bichon
Huh!
Saint Franquet
Oh—rather, no. Come here, I adore you— (he pulls her to him)
Bichon
Huh?
Saint Franquet
Indeed, you are a real woman, you are honest. You make love, but
you don't do it virtuously—you are honest.
Bichon
You are mad.
(Thunder.)
Saint Franquet
I love you, I adore you, I adore you. (embracing her with rage)
Bichon
Come on, come on, this is stupid, you are tickling me. Come on.
(Lightning.)
Saint Franquet
Never mind. You are honest. (repeated kisses)
(Violent thunder.)
Bichon
Come on—come on— (raining) Oh, fudge—it's raining.
Saint Franquet
I adore you.
(Tommy runs in, followed by Dotty, who is struck dumb watching
Saint Franquet cover Bichon with kisses.)
Tommy
Oh, look at him! Look at him!
Dotty
Oh! (emotionally) How he knows how to love.
Micheline (at the window)
Ah—your friend—look at him, your friend.
Plantaredi (at window)
Oh!
Saint Franquet
I adore you. I adore you.
Bichon (rising, pulling him to the hotel)
Fine—but it's raining too much, you can tell me upstairs.
Saint Franquet
Yes, I adore you. Certainly, I adore you.
Dotty
Oh—how lovely, how lovely.
(Giclefort and Mme Giclefort run in holding their heads under
Madame's skirt. Bichon returns.)
Bichon
Get a load of that. (indicating the Gicleforts) Paul and Virginia!
(Thunder. Lightning.)
CURTAIN
Saint Franquet's studio.
Before the curtain rises, you can hear Bichon singing, accompanied on the piano. Bichon is singing, skirts pulled up.
Bichon
Aha! Aha! Moya bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot.
Troumali, Troumala. Aya Koulami, Aya Koulami.
Ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki.
(traipsing to the right, then to the left)
Moya bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot.
Troumali, Troumala. Kakali, Kakala.
Zig, zig, zig, zig, ZIG!
(to her accompanist)
There, that's it. A good tempo after the second "aha." Then, I do
my little shiver and then speed up on "moya bot," okay.
Accompanist (unseen)
Uh— Aha!
Bichon
Okay! One more time, then we'll stop. (she comes in as if making
her entry)
En amoure, En alvadou si cousi cosa— voyalminett. Aya bougi.
Saint Franquet (in shirtsleeves surging like a waterspout)
Oh no, you can't be boring us with your song!
Bichon (jumping)
Boring.
Saint Franquet
Yes, boring. It's time. Is it going to go on forever—this
serenade?
Bichon
It's not a serenade. It's a chansonette.
Saint Franquet
It's idiotic, your song.
Bichon
I regret. Doubtless, my dear, you don't understand it.
Saint Franquet
You mean you do?
Bichon
In every respect. I wrote it.
Saint Franquet
Oh! Fine.
Bichon
It's an Apache song.
Saint Franquet
So, what does it mean, Aya koumali, ki, ki, ki?
Bichon
Firs of all "koulami."
Saint Franquet
Kohlami, if you like, I don't know the language ki, ki, ki.
Kabali, kabala.
Bichon (disdainfully)
Oh, evidently, it means nothing the way you say it. But, when you
put a little meaning, a little art— (she does)
Aya koulami, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, Troumali, troumala—kakali,
kakala— Like that— It changes everything.
Saint Franquet (ironically)
Oh yes, it changes completely.
Bichon
That is precisely the role of artists, to make clear to the public
things which are not.
Saint Franquet (to accompanist)
Still, don't you find this idiotic?
Des Saugettes (appearing from behind the piano)
Yes, yes. (he has a big grin in his face)
Bichon
I didn't ask your opinion.
Des Saugettes
It was Gerard who asked me.
Bichon
Naturally. It would have astonished me if you were not of his
opinion. You've licked his feet ever since he had that duel with you.
Des Saugettes
Me?
Bichon
Evidently, you are frightened.
Des Saugettes (laughing)
Oh, oh—I am frightened—
Bichon
And then, you mess me up with my song. Since you find it malicious
to discourage an artist in the act of creation—
Saint Franquet (imitating her)
"In the act of creation."
Bichon
First of all, why are you here, anyway? It's almost two. If you
don't go to the rehearsal, when will it be finished? Why aren't you
dressed?
Saint Franquet
Why— Because I find nothing to wear— With your customary order.
Bichon
You find nothing to wear?
Saint Franquet
Evidently. You've arranged things so there is no servant in the
house.
Bichon
Is that my fault? Victor asked to leave and Marie left without
asking.
Saint Franquet
Wonderful. Why did Marie leave without asking?
Bichon
Because it's her day off.
Saint Franquet
And why did Victor ask to leave?
Bichon
Because it wasn't his day off.
Saint Franquet
That's beautiful. Charming. No wonder I can find nothing.
Bichon
Oh, no, no, this eternal grump. What? What? What can't you find?
Saint Franquet
I can't find the clothes brush.
Bichon (shrugging her shoulders)
You can't find the clothes brush! You can't find the clothes
brush! Wonderful. It's in the kettle.
Saint Franquet
What do you say?
Des Saugettes (laughing)
It's in the kettle.
Bichon
Well, yes. It fell from my hands into the kettle. I didn't take it
out. It's probably still there.
Saint Franquet
Oh—no—
Bichon
If you had looked—
Saint Franquet
You expect me to look in the kettle for a clothes brush?
Bichon
Naturally. Since it is there.
Saint Franquet
I ask very little of you. To ruin my brush—
Bichon
You didn't want me to wet my arm to the elbow, just for a brush!
Saint Franquet
Disgusting!
Bichon
My God, you are complicated!
Saint Franquet
How am I going to brush with a soaked brush?
Bichon
Is that all? Take mine. And that's the end of that.
Saint Franquet
Where is yours?
Bichon
In my suitcase, where would you expect?
Saint Franquet
Would I know? Possibly in the foot bath.
Bichon
Oh—how witty. (to Des Saugettes) And, as for you, you'd better
shut up instead of taking Gerard's side.
Des Saugettes
I was of his opinion.
Bichon
The more reason for you to agree with me.
Des Saugettes
Oh—good—no, listen, since this makes Gerard upset—
Bichon
Oh, Gerard, always Gerard! I don't give a damn what upsets Gerard.
He won't do this concert if I don't. I have my professional
conscience. Go, go, my boy—get to work.
Des Saugettes (with a sigh)
Again.
Bichon (starts her song again in a rage, grumbling, bowing
to right and left as she enters)
It's true. Always Gerard. But, does Gerard know anything? And
then, I've had enough, every time I—
(The piano is playing and she begins to sing.)
Bichon
En Amoure, En Alvadou Si cousi, cosa voyalminett.
Aya bougi, leval troutrou
Gigouli pompan, aval trompet
Moravi Podi.
Atali popos.
Trin de al bou, si lim vabem
Roga bouf tane, mureiemir dalem!
Aha! Aha!
(Prolonged shivers.) Ah—
Refrain
Moya bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot.
Troumali, troumala.
Aya koulami aya koulami ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki!
Mayabot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, troumali, troumala.
(Saint Franquet enters, dressed in a jacket, singing with her.)
Both
Kakali, kabala. Zig, zig, zig, zig, zig!
Bichon
Idiot!
Saint Franquet
Oh, I know your song.
Bichon (letting her skirt fall)
Oh—then, you know it. Well? What do you want now/
Saint Franquet
The brush.
Bichon
The brush?
Saint Franquet
It wasn't in your suitcase.
Bichon
Impossible!
Saint Franquet
Why impossible?
Bichon
Because I put it there myself.
Des Saugettes
Listen, shall I go look?
Bichon
Yes, go, my friend—go—because of him.
Saint Franquet
Oh—if you think you're more thorough than I am.
Des Saugettes
Oh, I don't say that.
Bichon
Go anyway! Go.
Des Saugettes
Okay (he leaves)
Bichon
No, you know, you are incapable of living with an artist.
Saint Franquet (shrugging his shoulders)
Oh—an artist.
Bichon
Yes, an artist. You don't take me seriously. You correct
everything I say! In any case, I'm as much an artist as you. If you
find something petty, you do it.
Saint Franquet
Painting has nothing to do with being petty.
Bichon
Before, it wasn't so bad. You painted like everything else. Now,
it's little squares on top of each other.
Saint Franquet
Naturally. I am a parallelpipysdiste.
Bichon
That's not painting.
Saint Franquet
It's a school.
Bichon
Well—so much the better. In any case, you paint as you like, and
I don't criticize you. Well—do the same when I practice my art.
Saint Franquet
I preferred when you were a good girl, without pretensions, with
your hair brown—which you have now bleached.
Bichon
Only blondes succeed in musicals.
Saint Franquet
When you called yourself "Bichon," not Blanche de Jouy.
(contemptuously) Blanche de Jouy! What's this?
Bichon
What?
Saint Franquet (pulling the brush from the armchair)
Your brush.
Bichon
You found it?
Saint Franquet
Under the cushion!
Bichon
Well—you see—you have to look.
Saint Franquet
Oh—right.
Bichon
I told you I put it somewhere.
Saint Franquet (brushing his jacket)
Oh, yes. That's right. Ah, you're well organized.
Des Saugettes (returning)
Well, you know, I looked in the suitcase very carefully, and I
could not find the brush.
Saint Franquet
Yes, you might have looked there a long time.
Des Saugettes
You found it?
Saint Franquet
Naturally. In the armchair.
Des Saugettes (laughing)
In the armchair. Oh!
Bichon
Indeed, in the armchair. (to Saint Franquet) Now—what do you need
now?
Saint Franquet (looking on the table)
My ticket to the rehearsal. Where did you put it? It was on the
table.
Bichon (bored and resigned)
In the bathroom—on the mantle-piece.
Saint Franquet
Wasn't there, I looked.
Bichon
It must have fallen. I put it there myself.
Saint Franquet
Go look.
Bichon
Oh—not even capable of— (shoving Des Saugettes) Oh—let me be.
(she leaves)
Saint Franquet
Ah—this mess.
Des Saugettes
My poor friend, Women, eh?
Saint Franquet
Wonderful times, in the name of God.
Bichon (returning)
Well, I knew very well it was there.
Saint Franquet
You found the ticket?
Bichon
Naturally.
Saint Franquet
On the chimney?
Bichon
No—in it.
Saint Franquet
Oh—yes—I should have known.
Bichon
Yes-here!
Saint Franquet
What's this? Well, what is this?
Bichon
It's the ticket—I'm sorry, it's slightly damaged.
Saint Franquet
Yes—so I see.
Bichon (defensively)
It fell in the fireplace. It's still good.
Saint Franquet
You don't expect me to present this rubbish to the ticket office,
do you?
Bichon
Why not? You don't have to explain to them what happened.
Saint Franquet
And, if they ask?
Bichon
Well, then, tell them I did it! Don't make such a big scene about
everything! Here's your hat.
Saint Franquet
Well, put it there. I'll take it when I'm ready.
(Angrily, Bichon goes to put it on a chair and knocks over a
painting on an easel by accident as she returns.)
Bichon
Oh—shit—oh!
Saint Franquet
What? What this time?
Bichon
It's your nasty picture. You left it there, like that—it's not
dry— and naturally, when someone goes by—
(The picture is ruined.)
Saint Franquet (running to the picture)
My God! What have you done?
Bichon
Well, I had my hands full, and I didn't see it.
Saint Franquet
You have ruined my painting. Oh—this is nice. Name of God. This
is agreeable.
Bichon
My new corsage!
Saint Franquet
But, I don't care about your corsage. It can croak, your corsage.
My picture!
Bichon
I don't care about your picture! It can croak!
Saint Franquet
A painting which I just finished. Which I only had to sell.
Bichon
As for this mania of painting in oils—a substance which dries.
Saint Franquet
What do you expect me to paint in—vinegar?
Bichon
Oh, no! This is what it's like to have a painter for a lover.
Saint Franquet
Well, leave him—your painter—leave him. He won't keep you.
Des Saugettes
Children, children.
Saint Franquet
You—keep out of this!
Des Saugettes
Yes.
Bichon (throwing her corsage)
And go find me my—
Des Saugettes
Yes, I'll go look for it. (he leaves)
Bichon
If you think that I'll cling to you!
Saint Franquet
Well, then!
Bichon
Thank God, I wouldn't be tied down. And, I know more than one.
Saint Franquet
Well, take them—your more than one—take them.
Bichon
You don't have to say that to me twice.
Des Saugettes (returning)
Here it is.
Bichon
Thanks. (to Saint Franquet) You don't have to say it twice to me.
Saint Franquet
Fine
Des Saugettes
What's wrong?
Bichon (choked up)
I am going, Des Saugettes, I am going!
Des Saugettes
Children—please.
Bichon
No, no— Why continue a situation in which there is no love on
either side?
Des Saugettes
Oh, there is, there is.
Bichon
There is not. Why waste words? He doesn't love me, I don't love
him.
Des Saugettes
You do, you do.
Bichon
For a long time Gerard has spoken in eloquent silences—
(shrugging her shoulders, then to Saint Franquet) Say it's not so!
Des Saugettes
It isn't. It isn't.
Bichon
I'm not asking you! One isn't in the habit of calling on you in
such moments.
Saint Franquet
Oh, I beg you, tell him the details!
Bichon
Oh—no need. He can see us. He must stare! He ought to know that
if we are together, it's not precisely from a great love. As for me, I
was turned on because that little American girl went crazy about you.
Saint Franquet
Poor thing—
Bichon
You—from anger because your married woman sent you packing
because she preferred to sleep with Des Saugettes.
Saint Franquet
What?
Des Saugettes
Huh? Excuse me! Oh.
Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
First of all—you lie! Never did Des Saugettes do what you said
with her.
Des Saugettes (between them)
Absolutely never!
Bichon
Yes! (pushing Des Saugettes aside) Then, why did you wound him in
a duel?
Saint Franquet (pushing Des Saugettes out of the way)
Because I didn't know it.
Bichon (again pushing Des Saugettes)
Oh—to enter into relations.
Des Saugettes
In any case—never, absolutely never!
Bichon
Yes, you did, yes, you did!
Saint Franquet (to Des Saugettes)
You don't need to defend yourself, I know the person in question.
She's an honest woman.
Bichon (ironically)
Oh—yes.
Des Saugettes
But, absolutely!
Saint Franquet
And then, she's a woman of taste.
Des Saugettes
Absolutely. (then, correcting himself, offended) Oh, you say that,
you—
Saint Franquet (continuing)
Who doesn't give herself to the first imbecile who comes along.
Des Saugettes
Oh—what are you saying?
Saint Franquet
Oh—shut up! How could you attract an honest woman, the way you
behave?
Des Saugettes
If the discussion is going to take this turn, I'd better go.
Saint Franquet
Well—go. Who asked you to stay?
Des Saugettes
When you've finished, you can call me.
Saint Franquet
And, besides, you have a bad character—
Des Saugettes (going)
You're right, yes, I am very stupid. Ah—I'm very stupid. (he
leaves)
Saint Franquet
Ah—there, yes—have you seen—?
Bichon
Oh, it was a long while ago that I told you, when a friend
insinuates himself into a household.
Saint Franquet
Ah—yes— Oh—but!
(Long silence.)
Bichon (taking a step toward him)
Gerard.
Saint Franquet
What?
Bichon
Give me your hand.
Saint Franquet
What's the use?
Bichon
Yes. We are saying useless hurtful things to each other. It's
stupid! Go on! Give me your hand.
Saint Franquet
No.
Bichon
And let's separate!
Saint Franquet (giving her his hand with emotion)
Ah! Yes!
Bichon
Let's separate— But stylishly—like good friends! Like two beings
who loved each other well, who esteem each other, but who cannot stand
each other.
Saint Franquet
You're right. That's the best way.
Bichon (leaning against him)
And, besides, you know, I have no scruples. I have someone.
Saint Franquet (bowled over)
What?
Bichon
Yes, seat 49.
Saint Franquet
What do you mean, seat 49?
Bichon
A frequenter of my club. He didn't waste a minute. He sent me
flowers and burning letters.
Saint Franquet
On, my compliments. You've carefully kept this from me.
Bichon
A lover is like a husband; there are certain things you don't tell
him.
Saint Franquet
Betray his confidence.
Bichon
Oh! But I've never betrayed yours. I'm sentimental. Why, the other
day, chair 49 sent me this earring with a note that if I wanted the
mate, he would bring it to me.
Saint Franquet
The impudent!
Bichon
Possibly. But, you must admit, it was tempting. Well, I didn't
want him to. I sent word. There was no reply. As for the solitaire—
Saint Franquet
You sent it back.
Bichon (with dignity)
No. But I keep it in my purse. See what I did for you!
Saint Franquet
You're too good!
Bichon
That's the way I am.
Saint Franquet
Well—no more sacrifices for you. Go find chair 49. Go! Go!
Bichon
Oh—it's not difficult. One phone call and he'll be here.
Saint Franquet
Well, do it then. Don't put yourself out for me.
Bichon
No? Well, this won't take long. (she takes the receiver off the
hook)
Saint Franquet
You're going to call him from here?
Bichon
I don't need to tell him where I am. Shut up. I'm listening. Is
this chair 49? (simpering) It's Mlle de Jouy speaking.
Saint Franquet
What the hell.
Bichon
Yes. Don't trouble yourself. Come, right away. I'll be waiting at
27, Faubourg St. Honore. (pause) You're coming—good! (she hangs up)
Saint Franquet
Ah, this is outrageous. You are mad. You're bringing him to my
house!
Bichon
But he doesn't know it's your house.
Saint Franquet
That's all the same to me. You don't give a damn! I refuse to play
a ridiculous role.
Bichon
Anyway, you can leave before he gets here.
Saint Franquet
It's agreed, we'll separate. But my replacement isn't going to
make his scene on my furniture— Oh, no! (he grabs the receiver)
Bichon
What are you going to do?
Saint Franquet (waving paper)
Is this the number? (he dials)
Bichon (running to him)
Gerard! Gerard! Come on.
Saint Franquet
Let me alone!
Bichon
What you are doing is ridiculous, Gerard.
Saint Franquet
That's all right with me. Hello. (to Bichon) It's his wife?
Bichon
Gerard, will you stop?
Saint Franquet
Leave me alone! (into phone) No, I don't want to speak to you.
Oh—you are his wife? Well, tell your husband he's a rake.
Bichon (scandalized)
Oh!
Saint Franquet
And, that the lover of Mlle de Jouy says to kiss his ass. (pause)
What am I talking about? I'll tell you. Your husband is trying to make
it with Mlle de Jouy. (pause) How do I know? She told me! Yes, and
he's on his way here now.
Bichon
Oh, really, you've gone mad, haven't you?
Saint Franquet
My respects, ma'm. (pause) Where am I? At 27, Faubourg St. Honore.
(pause) Oh—yes, ma'm, we'll be waiting.
(Bichon tears the telephone from his hands.)
Bichon
You leave things alone!
Saint Franquet (furious, walking around her)
Ah, then, you, you are going to give me the pleasure of leaving,
and then I won't have to put up with you anymore.
Bichon
You lift your hand to me? (calling) Des Saugettes! Des Saugettes.
Help.
Saint Franquet
Have you finished screaming?
Des Saugettes (running in)
What's wrong?
Bichon
It's Gerard. Gerard's beating me.
Des Saugettes
Oh!
Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
I beat you? I beat you? No, little trouble-maker. (giving her
little taps on the fat of her arm) Do I look like a wife beater? Do I?
Speak— Is that the way I act?
Bichon
Oh—calm down, calm down!
Des Saugettes
Come on, come on!
Saint Franquet
Can you imagine? Madame allows herself to telephone from here, to
I don't know who—to chair 49, and gives him a rendezvous here, to
accord him her favors. (tapping her) I beat you! I beat you?
Bichon (crying)
Des Saugettes! Des Saugettes!
Des Saugettes
Look—come on, that's enough!
Saint Franquet
Leave me alone, you! (someone rings the doorbell) And now, go
answer that, since Madame has given the servants leave.
Des Saugettes (hesitating)
Yes—but don't beat her anymore.
Saint Franquet
I'm saving myself for chair 49. I'm going to give it to your chair
49.
Bichon
You will pay me for this, you know, you will pay me.
Saint Franquet
Yes. Fine. That's understood.
Bichon (folding her arms)
Go! Swine.
(Des Saugettes enters, with an enormous vase of flowers.)
Saint Franquet (to Des Saugettes)
What? What is this?
Des Saugettes
It's flowers.
Saint Franquet
Yes—from chair 49. Wait a bit, while I throw them out the window.
Des Saugettes
But, they're for you.
Saint Franquet
For me?
Bichon (bitterly)
There! Look at that! That's too much!
Saint Franquet
What can it mean—for me? Who sent them?
Des Saugettes
I don't know. They wouldn't say. But, it was for you.
Saint Franquet
No cards?
Des Saugettes
No cards.
Saint Franquet (pointing to console)
Put them there.
Des Saugettes
They are pretty flowers.
Bichon
Now that they are for you, you are not going to throw them out the
window, right? Say something!
Des Saugettes
Come on, come on. (to Saint Franquet) If you are going to the
rehearsal—
Saint Franquet
I am not going!
Bichon
Ah!
Saint Franquet
I am staying here. I'm waiting for him—chair 49.
Des Saugettes
Chair 49?
Saint Franquet
To kick his ass.
Bichon (with a smile of pity)
Imbecile!
Saint Franquet
Oh—go on, talk—you.
Bichon
Then, you think, really—he's going to come?
Saint Franquet
What?
Bichon
You think I'm naïve enough to telephone him in front of you. What,
am I stupid?
Saint Franquet
Come on, come on. Tell someone else!
Bichon
If you had looked closely! I had my hand on the receiver, and I
wasn't talking to anyone. To give you a lesson and enrage you.
Saint Franquet
Oh—you pretend to me now?
Bichon
The proof is, when you dialed the same number, you got a woman. A
poor creature you completely upset with your stupid maneuver.
Saint Franquet
You're right. I'll call back—
Bichon (excited)
Ah—no!
Saint Franquet
You see—you're pulling my leg.
Bichon
Fine! Fine! I make up stories and tell you!
Saint Franquet
If you think you are going to make me believe—
Bichon
Fine—stay—you will see.
Saint Franquet
Women are capable of such cynicism!
Bichon
That's fine. Stay, I tell you. You will get it.
Saint Franquet
I'll stay if I want to! I suppose I have to miss my rehearsal to
please you!
Bichon
Well, go.
Saint Franquet (gesticulating wildly while Bichon tries to
get by him)
Well, I'm going! If you believe I swallowed your little story with
the telephone. Oh, you thought to fool me, but I fooled you.
Bichon
Oh, fine.
Saint Franquet
You're not going to trick me. As for you, Des Saugettes, you have
nothing to do, so stop by the florist, and find out who sent me those
flowers.
Des Saugettes
Understood.
Bichon (to Saint Franquet)
Oh—that intrigue.
Saint Franquet
No, Madame, no. But I'd like to know. I don't want anyone to take
me for a coquette. Goodbye! (he leaves, slamming the door)
Des Saugettes
These flowers are so pretty.
Bichon
There, he's gone. Well, now, my little Des Saugettes, you are
going to please me by clearing out.
Des Saugettes
What?
Bichon
I'm waiting for someone, I don't need you.
Des Saugettes
You are waiting for someone?
Bichon
Yes.
Des Saugettes
Who? Who?
Bichon
I told you, someone—someone you don't know who's waiting for me,
and not for you.
Des Saugettes
Oh, my God. Chair 49.
Bichon
How clever you are!
Des Saugettes (indignant)
Oh, oh! Bichon! It's not possible. You just said yourself it
wasn't true. You only pretended to telephone.
Bichon
Poo!
Des Saugettes
Oh, why, why did you tell Gerard—?
Bichon
Why, so he'd go.
Des Saugettes
Bichon—I don't believe it, you wouldn't do that in front of him.
Bichon
I do everything in front of people. I don't like mysteries. And
then, the nice part is, they don't believe it.
Des Saugettes
You are cynical.
(The doorbell rings.)
Bichon
Well, here he is.
Des Saugettes
Oh, no. I prefer to go.
Bichon
Notice, that's all I ask of you. I'll go open the door and you
leave that way. Agreed?
Des Saugettes
Oh no, no—! And, this in front of me—to make me an accomplice.
Oh!
(Des Saugettes goes out by the left. Prolonged ringing.)
Bichon
Come in, monsieur, come in.
Plantaredi (all dolled up)
Oh, I am so happy. My little Jouy, my little Jouy.
Bichon
Come, come, sir, I beg you—
Plantaredi
Oh, when I think this is the little woman that I applaud twice a
week—and now, we are together—you and I.
Bichon
Yes.
Plantaredi
But, no boasting, my hand touches yours. Oh, when you telephoned
me just now, I was so happy—my wife came. I got rid of her.
Bichon
Oh, you are married?
Plantaredi
I am married, yes—but, let's not bother ourselves about that.
Oh—I rushed over here. I jumped in a cab. And, here I am. My little
Jouy— my little Jouy.
Voice of Des Saugettes Oh, it's disgusting, what you've done, sir. My friend's girlfriend.
Plantaredi (stunned)
What was that?
Bichon
Nothing! Nothing!
Voice of Des Saugettes
Go away, sir, go away!
Plantaredi
But, who is talking like that?
Bichon
It's— It's someone I was rehearsing with. He's repeating his
lines. Wait. (opening the door at the left) Leave, my friend, leave! I
told you I have no more need of you.
Voice of Des Saugettes
It's disgusting.
Bichon (kicking Des Saugettes)
Go! (Des Saugettes escapes) He's gone.
Plantaredi
It wasn't Dramen? It seems to me I recognized his voice.
Bichon
No, no—it was not Dramen.
Plantaredi
In any case, he's a good actor. Such conviction!
Bichon
Yes, he's a boy who will go far.
(At this moment, Des Saugettes' head appears over the short
curtain, trying to see what is going on. Bichon sees him, and makes a
threatening face. He disappears, and we hear the door close
violently.)
Plantaredi
Ah—there, he's just gone.
Bichon
Yes.
Plantaredi (amorous)
We are finally alone!
Bichon
Yes, yes.
Plantaredi
Ah—how happy I am.
Bichon (looking him over seriously)
It's curious. Your face is familiar. Surely, I've seen you in the
papers.
Plantaredi
Oh—not likely.
Bichon
Why?
Plantaredi
Because they never take my picture.
Bichon
Huh! That's funny. They put everybody in the papers these day.
Still, I've got your face in mind. You must be famous.
Plantaredi
I wish. But, no.
Bichon
Then, your only name is chair 49?
Plantaredi
Oh, no.
Bichon
Well?
Plantaredi (after hesitating)
Antoine.
Bichon
That's nice. Then what?
Plantaredi
Isn't that enough for you today?
Bichon
Oh no, no, I love to know who I am talking to. Come on, your name?
Plantaredi (after a new hesitation)
Mr Voltaire.
Bichon
Bah! Clearly you are someone well known.
Plantaredi
It's funny, for me too. I have the feeling this isn't the first
time I've seen you.
Bichon
Oh—well, in any case, we've never been together before! Because I
have a memory for such things.
Plantaredi
No, no. I don't pretend that! Wait! You don't have a sister who
you resemble, and who is—not in the theatre?
Bichon
Not in the theatre? It might have been me, before I went on stage.
Plantaredi
You resemble a little woman called Bichon.
Bichon
Bichon? But, I am Bichon!
Plantaredi
Bichon! You are Bichon. That's why you look like her. Do you
remember—Chatel-Saucy?
Bichon (non-plussed)
No—the gentleman whose wife—?
Plantaredi
Whose wife?
Bichon
Nothing! Oh, this is funny. And, you've made up—you know, you
look like someone.
Plantaredi
My wife insists I wear my hair this way.
Bichon
You look like Gerard de Saint Franquet.
Plantaredi
You know him?
Bichon
He's my lover.
Plantaredi (rising)
What?
Bichon
This is his flat—studio.
Plantaredi
How do I get out of here?
Bichon
Don't move. He's at the rehearsal of the Comedie Francaise. You
have plenty of time.
Plantaredi
But, that rehearsal— It's tomorrow.
Bichon
What? Are you sure?
Plantaredi
Absolutely. I am going. Faroudy is playing in Nantes. The
rehearsal was delayed.
Bichon
Oh, for God's sake! Then Gerard—?
Plantaredi
Oh, indeed, Gerard.
(At this moment, one hears the vestibule door shut.)
Bichon
Shit. It's him.
Plantaredi
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Bichon (opening the door to the room on the left)
Quick, this way! At the back door, turn right, and the door to the
right.
Plantaredi
Yes, yes, the door to the right. (he exits left)
Bichon (slightly troubled, to Saint Franquet)
What? It's you.
Saint Franquet (entering, crossly)
It's tomorrow.
(Saint Franquet takes his palettes and easels and starts
rearranging them. This hides him from view. At this instant Plantaredi
falls like a bomb into the studio.)
Bichon
Oh! (forgetting) Not that way! Not that way!
Plantaredi
Door to the right! Door to the right!
Bichon
No—to the left. To the left!
Saint Franquet (sorting his paints)
To the right? To the left? What?
Plantaredi and Bichon Oh!
Saint Franquet (seeing Plantaredi, who tries to hide his
face with his hat)
What do you want, sir?
Plantaredi
Here—I—I— You don't have a painting to sell?
Saint Franquet
Huh! But, it's Plantaredi.
Plantaredi (instinctively denying it)
No.
Saint Franquet
What do you mean, no?
Plantaredi
Yes!
Saint Franquet
Oh, no, it's not possible. Plantaredi here! It's Plantaredi. Oh,
my dear friend! (giving him his hand) How are you doing?
Plantaredi
Not bad, thanks.
Bichon (to herself)
This is working out better than I thought.
Saint Franquet
It's really nice to see you again. It was too stupid, our quarrel.
And, how's the wife?
Plantaredi
My—my wife? Yes, yes, she's fine.
Saint Franquet
I can't believe my eyes. Plantaredi—Bichon, this is Plantaredi.
Plantaredi, of whom I have spoken so often. I have never introduced
you— My good friend, Plantaredi, my dear friend, Mlle de Jouy.
(Plantaredi and Bichon bow, as if they had never met before. Then
it dawns on Saint Franquet and he looks at both.)
Saint Franquet
I am a fool. Oh.
Bichon
What?
Saint Franquet
Chair 49.
Bichon
Ridiculous.
Plantaredi
What?
Saint Franquet (between his teeth)
Oh! You are chair 49.
Bichon (quickly to Plantaredi)
Your ass! Watch your ass!
Plantaredi (instinctively putting his hat over his behind)
Huh?
Bichon
Watch out! He said he would beat it.
Plantaredi
Huh?
Saint Franquet (calming down)
No—no— Don't be afraid. I said that when the ass was anonymous.
But, now that I know to whom the ass has the honor to belong—it is
sacred to me. The ass of an old friend like you.
Plantaredi (breathing again)
Oh! Fine.
Saint Franquet
But, I am happy at the coincidence that gives me the pleasure of
meeting you again.
Plantaredi
A pleasure shared—indeed.
Saint Franquet (shaking hands)
Dear Plantaredi.
Plantaredi
Dear Saint Franquet.
Bichon (dazed)
I'm the one who is in shock.
Saint Franquet
So, you came here, my good Plantaredi, with the intention of
cuckolding me?
Plantaredi
Yes! (withdrawing) No!
Saint Franquet
Don't defend yourself. It's all part of life. Today you, tomorrow
me— Because there will always be men and women.
Plantaredi
Yes, but all the same, I had no idea you—didn't know you had a
lover.
Saint Franquet
Well, I don't.
Bichon
No!
Saint Franquet
You can give her the other earring.
Bichon
I told him everything.
Saint Franquet
You've fallen in luck. The place is empty. I give her to you.
Happy to do it.
Plantaredi
To me?
Bichon (vexed)
How dare you! "Happy to do it."
(Saint Franquet pushes Bichon toward Plantaredi.)
Bichon (pushing away)
I know how to give myself without any help from you.
Saint Franquet
Don't I know.
Bichon
To listen to you, one would think you were throwing me out.
Saint Franquet
No—not at all.
Bichon
I beg to tell you, sir, I am not a woman you can throw out. I do
the throwing.
Saint Franquet (conciliating)
Right! Right!
Bichon (half enraged, half laughing)
You are irritating me; stop!
Plantaredi
No, Saint Franquet, you're joking.
Saint Franquet
Not at all. I'm serious.
Plantaredi
Gerard!
Saint Franquet
You're dying for her.
Plantaredi
No, no.
Bichon
Oh, indeed. Keep talking, sweetheart.
Plantaredi
That's not what I mean. What I mean is— (he stops)
Saint Franquet
You've got to say something.
Plantaredi
You are putting me in a situation. Are you sincere?
Saint Franquet
Yes.
Plantaredi
Well, then. So be it!
Bichon
Oh—no!
Plantaredi
I am so—touched. Bichon.
Bichon (taking him in her arms)
Poor thing.
Saint Franquet
Let anyone say I am jealous! (doorbell rings) Someone's ringing.
Don't disturb yourselves. I'll get it. (he leaves)
Plantaredi
Then—we're together.
Bichon
It looks that way.
Plantaredi
I am very happy.
Bichon
Do you have the second earring?
Plantaredi
Yes.
Bichon
You want to give it to me, huh?
Plantaredi
You bet!
Saint Franquet (coming back)
Children.
Bichon
Eh!
Saint Franquet
I've got to get you out of here. Someone's coming.
Bichon
Who?
Saint Franquet
My sister.
Bichon
You don't have one.
Saint Franquet
That doesn't matter.
Bichon
Okay. We'll go in here.
(They go into a bedroom. After a moment, Dotty and Tommy come in.)
Saint Franquet
Mlle Dotty— Come in. Come in, please.
Dotty (followed by Tommy)
You are surprised! I took the chance. But, you recognized
me—which was sweet.
Saint Franquet
Miss, when one has once had the pleasure—
Dotty
I've always thought of you. Haven't I, Tommy?
Tommy (bitterly)
Yes!
Dotty
This is my fiancé.
Saint Franquet
Yes, I know.
Dotty
You recognize him? Good! (going to bedroom door) What's this?
Saint Franquet
No, Miss Dotty. That's my bedroom.
Dotty
Well—may I?
Saint Franquet
No, no— Don't go there, Miss. The room isn't made.
Dotty (going to the right)
And what's this?
Saint Franquet
Toilette.
Dotty
Is it made up?
Saint Franquet
Yes.
Dotty
Right. Tommy
Tommy
Dotty.
Dotty
Go in there.
Tommy
Why?
Dotty
Because I say so.
Tommy
Oh.
Dotty
I have no need of you. Go, go— (pushes him out)
Tommy
All right, Dotty. (he leaves, piteously)
Dotty
Terrible, that man. He always asks why. Why? Because I say so!
(changing tone) And now—for you— Did you receive my flowers?
Saint Franquet
What? That was you?
Dotty
It was.
Saint Franquet
Why?
Dotty
Mr Gerard. Do you want to marry me?
(Saint Franquet is stunned. He doesn't make any reply.)
Dotty
You don't want to? Don't I please you?
Saint Franquet
Yes, you please me.
Dotty
Oh—thanks.
Saint Franquet
I'm very flattered. I would even say very touched. But—I'd have
to think about it.
Dotty
Oh—I understand. Take all the time you want. (as if she was
giving him forever) I give you five minutes.
(Dotty goes towards his pictures with an air of giving him time to
think things over.)
Saint Franquet
But, you don't know me.
Dotty
We'll get to know each other. Is that your only objection?
Saint Franquet
You are very rich.
Dotty
Is that an objection?
Saint Franquet
Yes.
(There is a knocking on the toilette door.)
Tommy
You haven't forgotten me?
Dotty
No, wait, wait! Go away!
Tommy
Sorry!
(Tommy goes off.)
Saint Franquet
Yes—I'm will marry you.
Dotty
Then, everything is arranged!
Bichon (appearing at the door)
Hey, Gerard. Oh—excuse me! I forgot!
Dotty (not at all disconcerted)
Mademoiselle!
Bichon
Bonjour, Miss. Don't be disturbed. Don't be disturbed. (to
Plantaredi who cannot be seen) It's his sister!
Dotty (to Saint Franquet)
That's Miss Bichon, right?
Saint Franquet
Huh? Err—yes!
Dotty
Your mistress?
Saint Franquet
My—Mis—? No—no.
Dotty
Oh, you can say it. Very nice. Very chic.
Saint Franquet (flattered)
You think so?
Dotty
Yes. I congratulate you. When we are married you must kick her
out.
Saint Franquet
Oh! Oh!
Dotty
Yes—I prefer that.
Saint Franquet
Yes. I'll write to her.
Dotty
No hurry. This evening.
Saint Franquet
This evening. Yes.
Dotty (rising)
Goodbye.
Saint Franquet
Where are you going?
Dotty
Oh—we've said everything. I have errands to run. Do you love me?
Saint Franquet
Do—I love you!
Dotty
Well! I'm happy. Kiss me!
Saint Franquet
My dear fiancée. (they kiss)
Dotty
Oh—where is it?
Saint Franquet
You forgot something?
Dotty
Yes, my fiancé. Where did I put him?
Saint Franquet (pointing)
There.
Dotty (opening the door)
Come along, Tommy! It's over.
Tommy (coming back)
Not soon enough.
Dotty (to Saint Franquet)
If you need me, I'll be at the hotel Majestic. Goodbye, my love.
(she pulls Tommy out)
Saint Franquet (going back)
Now, let's deliver the others. (opens door) Oh!
Bichon's Voice What?
Saint Franquet
I didn't let you stay in my bedroom to do that!
Plantaredi's Voice But, since we were together.
Saint Franquet
Never mind.
Bichon (returning, adjusting her dress)
You've got to learn to knock before entering.
Saint Franquet
Enough of that!
Bichon
The things that concern you—with your sister.
Saint Franquet
It wasn't my sister.
Bichon (ironically)
Do you swear it?
Saint Franquet
It was my fiancée!
Bichon and Plantaredi Huh?
Saint Franquet
Yes, gang, that's how I am. They kick me out. I get married.
Bichon (nervous)
Well, I don't care. What do you want me to do?
Saint Franquet
I know you don't care. Which doesn't prevent me from marrying Miss
Dotty Summerson.
Plantaredi
The little American from Chatel-Saucy— My compliments. You won't
be sorry. She is charming.
Bichon (furious)
Who asked your advice?
Plantaredi
Huh? No—I said—
Bichon
Yes. Well, if you hurry you can still find her. You can go with
her.
Saint Franquet
No.
Bichon
If you're trying to upset me with your marriage! But, I don't give
a damn, you know, I don't give a damn.
Saint Franquet
That's exactly what I'm hoping.
Bichon
Still, if you just had a little heart. (tearfully) It's not right,
that the very moment I leave you, you go with another—
Saint Franquet
Come on, come on— Don't get excited.
Bichon
Zut! (pulling Plantaredi) Come on, you.
(Doorbell rings.)
Saint Franquet
Hush! Wait!
Bichon
Who cares?
Saint Franquet
No, no. Someone else may be coming to ask for my hand in marriage.
Don't budge.
(Saint Franquet goes out.)
Plantaredi
He is funny.
Bichon
You think you're going somewhere with me? Oh, no. One's enough.
Plantaredi
But, what have I done?
Bichon
I don't like tyrants.
(Saint Franquet returns.)
Saint Franquet
Hide one more time.
Bichon
What's going on today?
(Bichon and Plantaredi go into the bedroom. Saint Franquet goes out
and returns with Micheline who is carrying a night bag.)
Micheline
Thank God, I found you.
Saint Franquet
I beg you stay in here for a moment. (puts her in bathroom) I have
to get everybody out of here. I don't want anyone to see you.
Micheline
Be quick about it!
(She goes in. Saint Franquet locks the door, then opens the bedroom
door.)
Saint Franquet
You can come out.
Bichon
Well—finally.
Plantaredi
A woman, huh?
Bichon (to Plantaredi)
If you like, I'll go bring her to you.
Saint Franquet (to Plantaredi)
What do you care?
Plantaredi (slyly)
If Bichon doesn't return tonight you won't worry.
Saint Franquet
I'd worry if she did.
Bichon
Dirty bastard. Till tomorrow— For my things.
Saint Franquet
That's fine. Go, children.
(Plantaredi and Bichon leave.)
Saint Franquet (opening the door for Micheline)
You! You! In my apartment— But, what brought you?
Micheline (bluntly)
Six months ago, you said if you ever decide to cheat on your
husband let it be with me.
Saint Franquet
Yes, I remember.
Micheline
Well, my friend, the hour has struck. I've decided to cheat on my
husband. And here I am.
Saint Franquet (bowled over)
Is it possible?
Micheline
You are happy, thanks.
Saint Franquet
Yes, I am happy. I am very happy.
Micheline
Fine, I haven't waited less than you. Tomorrow, you will send your
servant to bring my things.
Saint Franquet
Your things?
Micheline
For tonight, I only brought an overnight bag. (she opens it up)
Let's see. My nightgown, my slippers—toothbrush—etc. Anything else I
think I can find here.
Saint Franquet
But, your things. Why your things?
Micheline
My husband is deceiving me. I can prove it. So, here I am. Take
me! I am yours.
Saint Franquet
Huh.
Micheline
I said, "Here I am. Take me, I am yours."
(He falls into a chair.)
Micheline
Is that all the effect this has on you?
Saint Franquet
Listen, Micheline, listen. I am happy. Supremely happy— But—
What proof do you have of his infidelity?
Micheline
Proof? I have ten. I have a hundred.
Saint Franquet
Ah!
Micheline
I got a telephone call this morning, from a man who warned my
husband to stay away from his girlfriend.
Saint Franquet (aside)
It was you? (aloud) Then what?
Micheline
Well, I had a flea in my ear. I decided to find out. I went
through his papers.
Saint Franquet
And?
Micheline
Letters. Lots of letters! (she pulls some out) He got this woman
pregnant.
Saint Franquet (astounded)
The bastard! (aside) I'll kill him.
Micheline
It's been going on a long time. And, I'm not going to cheat on him
in my turn? Oh—often. I want you to make me pregnant. (she falls into
his arms)
Saint Franquet
I haven't the right.
Micheline
Why not?
Saint Franquet
My conscience.
Micheline
You, have a conscience?
Saint Franquet
Yes, I do.
Micheline
Very well. Let's not talk any more. Today I know what your
protestations of love are worth. (disgusted) Decidedly, all men are
alike!
Saint Franquet
Look—you told me to forget you. That you would never cheat on
your husband.
Micheline
That's true.
Saint Franquet
Well, you didn't expect me to run after you all my life— Did you?
I was desolated—but today— Well, I'm getting married.
Micheline
Oh!
Saint Franquet
I'm sorry.
Micheline (repacking her bag)
You're quite right. Get married, I will find others. After all,
it's better to do it with others.
Saint Franquet
Others? Who?
Micheline
Who? You're not polite to ask.
Saint Franquet
Who? Who are you going to find?
Micheline
There are lots of men who want me. I have an embarrassment of
riches in that regard. Des Saugettes, for example.
Saint Franquet
Des Saugettes? He doesn't love you!
Micheline
Doesn't he? He's crazy about me! He'll do anything for me.
Saint Franquet (furious)
The pig!
Micheline
You're not jealous, are you?
Saint Franquet
I am not jealous! I am not jealous! But, that doesn't prevent me
from beating him up!
Micheline
Why?
Saint Franquet
Because I don't like to be ridiculous. When I think, you both plan
to deceive me.— That this little Jesuit has been playing a game with
em.— Ah, fine, I see him.
Des Saugettes (entering)
Ah, there you are— I've just been to the florist.
Saint Franquet (furious)
Do you want me to clean the wall with you?
Des Saugettes (stupefied)
But, my friend—! (seeing Madame Plantaredi) Ah, Madame
Plantaredi! (he goes toward her)
Saint Franquet (more fiercely)
Do you want me to clean the place up with you?
Des Saugettes
Yes, yes. (bowing) Goodbye, Madame Plantaredi.
Saint Franquet
My God!
Des Saugettes (fleeing)
Oh, but he's moon-sick.
(Des Saugettes flees.)
Micheline
What's wrong with you now?
Saint Franquet
Him! You!
Micheline
Because I'm going to go to bed with him?
Saint Franquet
Exactly.
Micheline
What do you care? You don't love me?
Saint Franquet
Maybe I don't love you any longer. But—at the moment—I love you.
(he pulls her violently against him)
Micheline (pushing away)
Let me go.
Saint Franquet
No—don't be frightened. Why did you resist me, when you did?
Micheline
Because I was an honest woman. Because I didn't cheat on my
husband.
Saint Franquet
Well, that was absurd—because you see—now you're going to do it.
Micheline
I wish I had known—but, (shrugging) I didn't.
Saint Franquet
Really? Truly? You don't know how happy that makes me.
Micheline
Why? I'm going to cheat on him—now—but with someone else.
Saint Franquet
We were made for each other.
Micheline (matter-of-factly)
It's too bad. But, you're saving yourself for your wife.
Saint Franquet
I would have loved you so much.
Micheline
Well—it's no use. I no longer have the right.
Saint Franquet
"Right"! A meaningless word when love speaks. When love commands!
(pulling her to him)
Micheline (breathlessly)
Are you sure you don't want to cheat on your wife?
CURTAIN
Saint Franquet's bedroom
Door to studio on right. At left, door to bathroom. Windows with curtains tightly drawn. Large bed center.
(Knocking on the right. No response.)
Des Saugettes (entering)
Gerard! Gerard! You still asleep?
(Saint Franquet snores. Des Saugettes has a bouquet of violets in
his hands.)
Des Saugettes
Snoring. Must be still asleep. When he doesn't wake up, he scolds
me 'cause I let him sleep. When I wake him up, he scolds me for not
letting him sleep. He is so nice!— I'll open the curtains. That way
the day will waken him, not me.
(Des Saugettes opens the curtain. No signs of life from Saint
Franquet. Des Saugettes coughs.)
Des Saugettes
Hmm! What am I going to do? I will wait till they wake by
themselves. Gerard was in a bad enough temper yesterday.
(Micheline opens her eyes.)
Micheline
Oh! Who opened the curtains?
Des Saugettes (suffocated)
Oh—Madame Plantaredi!
Micheline
Oh. (she hides under the covers)
Saint Franquet (waking)
Huh? What? What's wrong?
Des Saugettes
Oh, Gerard, Gerard!
Saint Franquet
Des Saugettes.
Des Saugettes
You didn't see—there—there in your bed—beside you.
Saint Franquet
What?
Des Saugettes
It's not Bichon! It's Madame Plantaredi!
Saint Franquet (jumping)
What do you say?
Des Saugettes
I assure you, it's she, I recognized her.
Saint Franquet
No, no, it's not true, you hear, it's not true.
Des Saugettes
I tell you, yes! You, you sleep! You don't know! You want to bet?
Saint Franquet
Even if you saw Madame Plantaredi, I repeat—it is not she!
Des Saugettes
Oh—I understand.
Saint Franquet
What do you mean you understand?
Des Saugettes
Nothing. Nothing.
Saint Franquet
Whoever saw such an idiot.
Des Saugettes
Oh—you are still in a bad mood.
Saint Franquet
But you put me there! What's this business of coming in without
knocking?
Des Saugettes
I did knock—but not too loud, for fear of waking you.
Saint Franquet
Did I tell you to come in?
Des Saugettes
No—you were asleep.
Saint Franquet
Then, all you had to do, was stay outside. What did you want
anyway?
Des Saugettes
To apologize for what I did yesterday.
Saint Franquet
What did you do anyway?
Des Saugettes
I have no idea. But you were mad at me, so I suppose I must have
done something.
Saint Franquet
No—no— It wasn't your fault— Oh, you make me mad!
Des Saugettes
Now what did I do?
Saint Franquet
Just get out, will you. I can't explain. It's not your fault, but
if you hang around much longer, I'm going to kill you.
Des Saugettes
I'm going. (aside) He's sweet.
(Des Saugettes leaves.)
Saint Franquet
He's gone.
Micheline
Much too soon! I thought you were going to keep him here the whole
day.
Saint Franquet
I beg your pardon.
Micheline
If you think I was comfortable there— (pointing to the blankets)
Saint Franquet
Poor Micheline.
Micheline (very dignified)
Please call me "Madame."
Saint Franquet (dazed)
Oh!
Micheline
A woman has her reputation to protect.— Really, what's he going
to think after this?
Saint Franquet
Nothing at all. What do you expect him to think?
Micheline
Surely, that we slept together.
Saint Franquet
Not at all. I told him that it wasn't you.
Micheline
But, he saw me.
Saint Franquet
Between my word and what he saw, he won't hesitate.— It's a
secret that will remain between us.
Micheline
A secret? What secret?
Saint Franquet
This night we spent together.
Micheline
But, we didn't spend the night together.
Saint Franquet (astounded at her audacity)
What?
Micheline
In any case, it doesn't please me to have spent the night with
you. There, that's clear. If you had had a little tact—!
Saint Franquet
Oh—I beg your pardon
Micheline
And, my dear sir, as you have very justly observed that we find
ourselves side by side—which is quite incorrect, I ask you to get up.
Saint Franquet
But, I don't want to get up.
Micheline
Good, good. Stay in bed!
Saint Franquet (satisfied)
Ah.
Micheline
You are in your own home. I have nothing to say. (rising) I have
to get up. I'll go to the couch.
Saint Franquet (holding her)
No—come here.
Micheline (going to the couch)
You're so gallant. It doesn't surprise me what you did.
Saint Franquet
What? What have I done?
Micheline (on the couch)
When I think, that, but for you. I—a model spouse, who never
deceived her husband during six wonderful years of marriage.— No, no.
You didn't act like an honest man.
Saint Franquet
That's too much! In what way? In what way?
Micheline
You took advantage of me!
Saint Franquet
How did I do that?
Micheline
You should have convinced me that this was not the right thing to
do.
Saint Franquet
You threatened to go to someone else.
Micheline
If you loved me—you should have told me to go, rather than agree
to be my avenger— And (sobbing) ruining me!
Saint Franquet
Speaking as a general proposition—saying that to a woman you love
is rather hard to do.
Micheline (getting back in bed)
At least you would have had a clean conscience, whereas, now you
have my sin on your soul.
Saint Franquet
What are you doing?
Micheline
What?
Saint Franquet
You're getting back in my bed.
Micheline (pushing him out)
Get out. This is not your place.
Saint Franquet
In my bed?
Micheline
In any bed where I am. I am not going to catch cold for you.
Saint Franquet
Good— Good.
(He goes to sit on the chaise lounge.)
Micheline
Oh—you're a nice one— What am I going to do here?
Saint Franquet
That I am asking myself! Because I submitted to your will, you
accuse me of a crime.
Micheline
Go ahead. Throw the first stone.
Saint Franquet
Ah, if I had known.
Micheline
Oh, get married, sir, get married. I don't prevent you.
Saint Franquet
Nice to say, after I sent a letter breaking off the engagement.
Micheline
When did you do that?
Saint Franquet
Last night, after we—in a gesture of heroic stupidity.
Micheline
I didn't ask you to do that. Don't pretend you mailed it—
Saint Franquet
No—but, I left it for my servant to do this morning.
Micheline (rising)
Well, ring for him. He can't have done it yet.
Saint Franquet
Yes— I'll do that.
Micheline
At least, you don't try to hide your eagerness to do so from me.
Saint Franquet
Damn it all—
Micheline
And, this is the man who said he wanted to marry me.
(She goes out left.)
Saint Franquet (rings bell)
Victor, come here.
Des Saugettes (enters)
Did you ring?
Saint Franquet
You again? Where's Victor?
Des Saugettes
He left, and asked me to stay till he got back.
Saint Franquet
Did he take the letter?
Des Saugettes
Yes, yes, take it easy. That's why he left.
Saint Franquet
Oh, God! Can you stop him?
Des Saugettes
Why?
Saint Franquet
Because, like a fool, I broke off my marriage.
Des Saugettes
What marriage? You are getting married?
Saint Franquet
Yes.
Des Saugettes
The, what is going to become of me?
Saint Franquet
Shut up! Who cares! Take a cab and find Victor.
Des Saugettes (ready for action)
Yes.
Saint Franquet
Run—
Des Saugettes
All right. (starts to rush out)
Saint Franquet
Stop!
Des Saugettes (screeches to a halt)
Why?
Saint Franquet
You'll never catch Victor. Go to the Majestic—to Miss Dotty
Summerson—
Des Saugettes
Dotty Summerson—Hotel Majestic.
Saint Franquet
Get going.
(Micheline comes in and collides with Des Saugettes, then runs out.)
Des Saugettes
I didn't see her. I didn't see her.
Saint Franquet
Are you going?
Des Saugettes
Yes— (turns back) Hotel?
Saint Franquet
Majestic—
(Des Saugettes disappears.)
Saint Franquet
This seems like a— (opens for Micheline) You were coming to say
something to me?
Micheline
It's not true! This seems like a—
Saint Franquet
Curious, I just said the same thing.
Micheline
Ah, you were saying— Charming! Just like your faucets— How come
you don't have any hot water?
Saint Franquet
Huh?
Micheline
You only get cold water.
Saint Franquet
I'll fix it.
Micheline
Then, fix it. You know better than I—
Saint Franquet
Just as soon as you asked.
(He goes out. She gets back in bed.)
Micheline
Well, I'm cured of adventures like these. (hearing voices) What's
that? There are people in the studio. But they come in and out like a
bazaar. (calling) Saint Franquet. (she hides in bed)
Saint Franquet's voice Right away.
Micheline
Come, come—oh—
(Bichon and Plantaredi come in, arm in arm.)
Bichon
Cookoo. Here we are. Gerard! He's not here!
Plantaredi
You believe it will please him, our visit? After all, it's not in
very good taste.
Bichon (embracing him)
Oh yes, oh yes— He's a pervert.
(The blanket that hides Micheline gives a little jump when
Plantaredi's voice is heard.)
Plantaredi
Then, you take it all on yourself?
Bichon
Of course. (calling) Gerard!
Saint Franquet's voice It's hot now. I'm coming.
Bichon
What did he say?
Saint Franquet (enters, thinking he is talking to Micheline)
There, there, my dear friend. (seeing Bichon and Plantaredi) Huh?
Bichon
What's wrong with him?
Saint Franquet
Son of a bitch! How did you get in?
Bichon
With my key.
Saint Franquet
What's wrong? What do you want?
Bichon
Why—to pay you a visit.
Saint Franquet
Ah—well—you know.
Bichon
What? It's not nice. Newly married couples visit their families.
Well—we consider you one of the family.
Saint Franquet (trying to push them off to the right)
Yes, that's nice of you. Come, this way, this way.
Bichon
But, it's very nice here. You don't have to have manners with us.
Plantaredi (sitting on the bed and taking Bichon on his
knees)
Oh, my dear friend—she is charming. Oh, you have taste.
Bichon (coyly)
Oh, sir!
Saint Franquet
Shut up, will you?
Plantaredi
Not at all. I'll speak out. (laughing) My poor wife thinks I am in
Chateaudun.
(Movement under the blankets.)
Saint Franquet
Look here, Plantaredi.
Plantaredi (still laughing)
When I came back yesterday, she was out. So I left a message that
I had to go to Chateaudun on business.
Saint Franquet (aside)
What an idiot.
Plantaredi
Say—you don't mind my using your telephone to call my wife—from
Chateaudun?
Micheline (sitting up in bed)
Oh—you want to telephone me from Chateaudun?
Bichon (frightened)
Ah!
Plantaredi
Son of a bitch! My wife.
(Plantaredi jumps like a rabbit.)
Saint Franquet
Calm down! Calm down!
Micheline
Leave me alone! (to Bichon) Oh! I congratulate you, Madame! You
have a nice job.
Bichon
What?
Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
And you, you didn't hesitate to put me in contact with
prostitutes.
Bichon (furious)
Prostitutes!
Saint Franquet (to Micheline)
Madame, I beg you—
Bichon
Prostitutes! Which of us looks more like a whore at the moment?
Micheline (indignant)
What do you say?
Bichon
Well, I'm all dressed, and I find you in a nightgown, in my
lover's bed—
Micheline
I am an honest woman—and if I am here—it's not for—not for what
you pretend to think.
Bichon
No—you're waiting to catch a streetcar.
Micheline
But, to avenge myself! To punish my husband for his
infidelities—of which you are the accomplice—to give him as good as
I got!
Bichon
Yes? Well, so much the worse for you!
Saint Franquet
Come on, Bichon—enough already. I beg you to shut up.
Bichon
Yes! Well, I beg you to speak differently to me. If you don't like
it, my lover is there to answer you.
Saint Franquet
Huh! What lover?
Bichon
Plantaredi!
Micheline
My husband.
Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
You've got a lot of nerve.
Micheline (crying)
Oh—that's all you care for me. That's all you care for me.
Saint Franquet (in despair)
But, what do you want me to do?
Micheline
Oh, I'm a retch, a wretch!
Saint Franquet
Come on, come on. (to Bichon) Are you happy with your work? I
thought you had some heart.
Bichon (softening, to Micheline)
Come, Madame—don't despair. I ask your pardon. I have been too
quick.
Micheline (crying)
Ah!
Bichon
Really—I was wrong. Now I understand, you evidently did this
after me—because I took your husband.
Micheline (still crying)
Ah!
Bichon
When things like this happen, we don't worry if the guy is married
or not. You just can't tell about a John. I suppose we should card
them—
Micheline
The wretch!
Bichon
Who? Your husband? No. He's just like all the rest. Only the wife
knows or doesn't know. The trouble is, you found out. (to Saint
Franquet) Oh, I bet it was you with your idiotic call yesterday.
Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
What? It was you!
Saint Franquet
Yes—
Bichon
Oh—how dumb you can be!
Micheline
Yes—he can be so dumb.
Saint Franquet
Evidently, this is going to be all my fault.
Bichon (to Micheline)
And, why all this? Why are you in bed and why did you—do all
that? To revenge yourself?
Micheline
Naturally.
Bichon
It's idiotic.
Micheline
Huh?
Bichon
How have you improved anything? Are you any less deceived today,
than you were yesterday? And, did you enjoy it with him? No!
Micheline
No!
Bichon
You see!
Saint Franquet (aside)
Now I understand!
Bichon
Oh—if I'd been there, I'd have warned you— Close your eyes to
his faults. Wait for the prodigal child to return. He will.
Micheline
Oh, thanks! Thanks, Madame, for these comforting words.
Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
I didn't know you had these talents.
Bichon
You never took the trouble to talk with me.
Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
There's a woman with a heart.
Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
But, it is my wife who is in your bed.
All Huh?
(Plantaredi goes towards his wife.)
Saint Franquet (interposing)
Plantaredi!
Plantaredi
Shut up!
Micheline
Right! It's my turn to speak.
Plantaredi
No—it's mine. What are you doing here, Madame?
Micheline
Exactly what you were doing last night—I don't know where—at
Chateaudun.
Plantaredi
What do you mean?
Micheline
I mean, you were with your mistress— And I, I was with my lover.
Plantaredi
Wretch.
Saint Franquet
It's not true. It's not true.
Bichon
But it's false.
Saint Franquet
Plantaredi, I swear to you.
Micheline
Evidently, that's Mr Saint Franquet's duty! But me, I affirm it!
And, besides, I think the situation is clear enough.
Plantaredi
Very well, Madame. I know what I have to do.
Micheline (rising)
I, too, sir. Fortunately, I have the proofs that will get me a
divorce.
Plantaredi
At your ease, Madame.
Micheline
Goodbye, sir.
Plantaredi
Goodbye.
Micheline (with a tender smile to Gerard)
Soon—Gerard.
(Micheline goes into the bathroom.)
Bichon
She's daft— She's gone completely daft.
Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
As for you, sir.
Saint Franquet
Fine—cut off further discussion, sir. I owe you satisfaction. I
am at your orders.
Plantaredi
Tomorrow—my seconds.
Saint Franquet
That will suffice.
Bichon
If you were not choked up, you would realize this was staged.
Plantaredi
What?
Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
Ah—shut up.
Bichon
No—I will speak. (to Plantaredi) A set up by your wife, who found
out what you did to her, and who decided to pay you back.
Plantaredi
Huh?
Bichon (pointing to Saint Franquet)
And, then, this other dummy—was forced—
Saint Franquet
What?
Bichon
Exactly! Forced to play the role she imposed on him.
Saint Franquet
It's false! It's false.
Bichon
It's false? The proof is (pointing to the bed and the chaise
lounge) two beds. Generally, when one give oneself to a man, one
doesn't start by making two beds.
Saint Franquet (while Plantaredi listens, stunned)
Oh! Oh! Pardon me!
Bichon
Shut your trap! (to Plantaredi) The real proof is the rage with
which they accuse themselves. If you were a psychologist—
Saint Franquet
Will you be finished soon, Bichon?
Bichon
I say you were not the lover of Madame Plantaredi.
Saint Franquet
Yes, I was.
Bichon
No—you weren't.
Saint Franquet
Yes, I was.
Plantaredi (bursting out)
Well, no. You weren't her lover.
Saint Franquet (overwhelmed)
What?
Plantaredi
I tell you, you were not!
Saint Franquet
Plantaredi!
Plantaredi (threatening)
If you don't be quiet! I can see perfectly clearly. It's clumsy.
You can fool me for a while, but not all the time. No—you were not
her lover.
Saint Franquet
All right. You win. I wasn't.
Plantaredi
Poor fellow.
Saint Franquet
Old friend.
Bichon (aside)
That took a lot of work.
Plantaredi
I can see it all. Coming to you, mad for revenge. You tried to
calm her down— What if she had gone to someone else?
Saint Franquet
I tremble to think of it.
Plantaredi (to Bichon)
You see.
Bichon
Married men are so gullible!
Plantaredi
But, why did she ask for a divorce?
Saint Franquet
It will pass.— But, what she doesn't forgive is your liaison.
Plantaredi
Liaison—? But, just a little folly that started yesterday.
Saint Franquet
She's got your letters.
Plantaredi
I don't have any letters—talk some sense into her. I still love
her. Excuse me, Bichon.
Saint Franquet
Go take a walk for a while—Bichon and I—
Plantaredi
Bichon?
Saint Franquet
Bichon has a great influence on her— Let her plead your case, and
you will be acquitted.
Plantaredi
My fate is in your hands. (he goes out)
Saint Franquet (opening door)
Come out, Madame, come.
Micheline's voice No, no. Hopeless. I don't want to see him.
Saint Franquet
But, he's gone.
Micheline (entering, dressed)
Oh! Where did he go?
Saint Franquet
Who knows? He might blow his brains out.
Bichon
Perhaps, throw himself in the river.
Micheline (very calm)
In this weather? No. He hates cold water. Worse luck.
Saint Franquet
What are you going to do?
Micheline
Divorce him. I intend to have my revenge.
Bichon
The best revenge is to send the letters back to the lady who wrote
them.
Micheline
No—
Bichon
Really, it would.
Micheline
I don't know, I—
Bichon
Does the woman have a husband?
Micheline
Yes.
Bichon
A husband who knows nothing?
Micheline
Exactly.
Bichon
How's he going to feel?
Micheline
I hadn't thought about that. (after a moment) You are a very chic
little woman.— Wait— (she goes out)
Saint Franquet
Where's she going?
Bichon
It worked. She's going to get rid of the letters.
Des Saugettes (comes in, breathless)
Here I am.
Saint Franquet
Ah—you. Did you get there ahead of Victor?
Des Saugettes
No—he got there before me.
Saint Franquet
I told you to take a cab.
Des Saugettes
I did—but I ran into a roadblock—for the President—of the
Republic.
Saint Franquet
Damn. Did you see Miss Summerson?
Des Saugettes
Yes. I saw her.
Saint Franquet
What did she say?
Des Saugettes
She said your letter was very funny.
Saint Franquet
Funny?
Des Saugettes
And that it was very silly. And she laughed like crazy.
Bichon
What's all this about? Your marriage is not going well?
Saint Franquet
I wrote her a letter, breaking it off—for reasons I will keep to
myself—
Bichon
Which can easily be figured out.
Saint Franquet
I tried to get it back, but this jerk got there too late.
Des Saugettes (indignant)
Jerk!
Micheline (coming with letters)
Here.
Des Saugettes (turning away)
Oh!
All
What?
Des Saugettes
I didn't see. I didn't see.
Micheline
You have convinced me. Here are the letters.
Saint Franquet
To avoid any temptation to change your mind, let's return them
immediately.— Des Saugettes.
Des Saugettes (turned away)
I see nothing. Nothing.
Saint Franquet (pulling him around)
You are going to do us a favor.
Des Saugettes
Me? With pleasure. Hello, Madame Plantaredi.
Micheline
Hell, Des Saugettes.
Des Saugettes (to Saint Franquet)
I believe I can now—
(Des Saugettes goes to Micheline and kisses her hand.)
Micheline (very much a woman of the world)
It's been so long since we've seen you.
Des Saugettes
And, Mr Plantaredi is well?
Micheline (drily)
As well as can be, thanks.
Des Saugettes
Oh—I've forgotten my taxi.
Saint Franquet
That's good. Take it to Madame— (to Micheline) Madame?
Micheline (scornfully)
Madame Chandail.
Des Saugettes
The address?
Micheline
19 Rue Castiglione.
Saint Franquet
That's a stone's throw. Go give this packet to her—if she is
alone.
Des Saugettes
Good. (starts to leave)
Saint Franquet
Wait! Tell her this is how an outraged spouse revenges herself.
Des Saugettes
And then?
Saint Franquet
Then, leave. Understand. Hurry!
Des Saugettes
Understood. Au revoir, Madame Plantaredi. (he goes)
Bichon
Feel better?
Micheline
I really don't know.
Saint Franquet
Tomorrow you will thank us.
Micheline
I hope so.
(Plantaredi comes in.)
Micheline
Oh—I will never forgive you.
Saint Franquet
Yes, she will. She's sent the letters back.
Bichon
I got her to do it.
Plantaredi
But, what letters?
Micheline
The letters from Madame Chandail.
Plantaredi
Son of a bitch! Are you all crazy?
All
What?
Plantaredi
Get them back! Get them back.
(Plantaredi goes to the window and opens it.)
Micheline (scared)
Don't do it, Antoine!
Bichon
He's going to kill himself. Help!
(Bichon grabs Plantaredi. The others help.)
Plantaredi
No—no. Get Des Saugettes.
Saint Franquet
He's long gone.
Plantaredi
You've ruined me. Those letters were not mine.
All
Huh?
Plantaredi
They belong to one of my clients.— Son of a bitch. I'll be
ruined. Sued for malpractice.
Micheline
How could I possibly know!
Plantaredi (lying down)
My career is ruined.
Micheline
It's not so serious.
Plantaredi
You've given the letters to the adverse party. Not serious!
(laughs wildly)
Micheline
It's not the number of letters that's important.
Plantaredi
No. Of course not. But—
Micheline (pulling a letter from her bosom)
This is the most compromising. "My sweetie, you've got me
pregnant."
Plantaredi
You've saved me.
Micheline (saintly demure)
I know.
Saint Franquet (to Madame Plantaredi)
You kept it!
Micheline
I'm a woman.
(A knock.)
Victor (enters)
Sir.
Saint Franquet
What is it?
Victor
Miss Summerson
Saint Franquet
Shit!
Dotty
Can I come in?
Saint Franquet
Certainly.
Dotty
Right. (to Tommy) Wait a minute, Tommy. Oh, you've got everybody
here.
(Victor leaves.)
Dotty
Oh—Mr and Mrs Chatel-Saucy.
Plantaredi
In effect.
Dotty (presenting herself)
Miss Summerson.
Plantaredi
We haven't forgotten.
Dotty
How nice. (to Bichon) Oh, Mademoiselle Bichon.
Bichon
Hello!
Dotty (holding Saint Franquet's hand)
Oh—idiot— What a letter you wrote me.
Saint Franquet
Oh—yes—the letter.
Dotty
Funny. What a mess you made.
Saint Franquet
Yes—I guess so.
Dotty
Sending me the letter for Mademoiselle Bichon. (giving it to him)
Saint Franquet (taking the letter to Bichon)
Here, this was for you.
Bichon (reads)
Oh— (laughing) You ass.
Dotty (to Bichon)
Not angry?
Bichon (philosophically)
No, it's life.
Des Saugettes (rushing in)
I did it.
Plantaredi
You sent the letters back?
Des Saugettes (triumphantly)
Yes!
Plantaredi
May the devil take you.
Des Saugettes
Thanks. (to Saint Franquet) Nabbed her just as she was coming out
of her house. It was strange— She gave me a kiss.
Des Saugettes
Why did she do that?
CURTAIN