FEYDEAU'S I NEVER CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND

Translated and adapted by Frank J. Morlock

This page copyright © 2002 Blackmask Online.

http://www.blackmask.com

  • Act I
  • Act II
  • Act III

  • This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
    print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
    Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
    performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
    audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
    or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
    Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
    frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
    
    http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
    
    Etext transcribed by Dagny
    CHARACTERS
    
    Gerard Saint Franquet
    Des Saugettes
    Plantaredi
    Tommy
    M Giclefort
    Mme Giclefort
    Manager (Godache)
    Waiter (Lamiche)
    Bellboy (Pointet)
    Usher
    Victor
    Bichon
    Micheline
    Dotty Summerson
    Maid (Sophy)
    Servants
    Tourists
    Tennis Players
    

    Act I

    Chatel-Sancy (Auvergne)

    Country landscape—hills. To the left—exterior of the "Modern Hotel." Three windows—to the right: The tennis courts—tables, chairs, gazebo between the hotel and the tennis courts.

    Before the curtain rises—the voices of tennis players: "Ready!" "Play!" "Your ball!" "Bravo!" "Your ball!" "Outside" "Oh damn—fifteen for us."

    As the curtain rises, the Waiter is cleaning the table and dusting the chairs. The game continues in the tennis court. The Manager comes in from the hotel.

    Manager (huffing and breathing hard, wiping his face)
    Ahh! I'm just about dead. Hey, Lamiche, give me a hand.

    Waiter
    Yes, Mr Godache— Oh, it really is rather hot.

    Manager
    I'm sweating, my friend, I'm sweating. There is no other word.

    Waiter
    It's 96 in the shade.

    Manager
    What a summer. It's a killer. They ask when it will rain. I was afraid of that, so I rushed to the station to be there on time.

    Waiter
    Didn't you have your watch?

    Manager
    Yes, only I didn't have the time. I have an excellent watch, only it wanders occasionally.

    Waiter
    Oh—

    Manager
    It doesn't vary a half minute a day. But, sometimes, it stops for an hour and then starts going again.

    Waiter
    That doesn't surprise me. I had a cousin like that. She had palpitations, then one day she passed away.

    Manager
    She went well.

    Waiter
    Yes.

    Manager
    Just like my watch. Let's get going. (pushing him) Go, go.

    (At this moment, the Maid appears in the window, holding out a carpet. As the Manager goes in the hotel she accidentally drops the rug and it lands on the Manager's head.)

    Maid
    Oh, pardon, sir.

    Manager
    Pay attention to what you're doing, Sophy. This is unacceptable.

    Maid
    It's the rug of Madame Plantaredi.

    Manager
    That doesn't make it any more agreeable to me. Suppose it fell on a guest—

    Maid
    Oh, I would have paid attention.

    Manager
    A charming thing to say to me.

    Mme Giclefort (rushing out of the hotel, to Giclefort who follows her)
    Come, Jewel, come—you have the folding chairs and umbrellas?

    Giclefort
    I've got everything. (to Manager) Hello, Mr Godache.

    Mme Giclefort
    Mr Godache won't have lunch with me at the hotel today.

    Manager
    Madame is unfaithful to us.

    Mme Giclefort (simpering)
    Oh—it's not me. When I commit an infidelity, it's with a man. But still—as it is with me— (to Giclefort) Right, Benjamin?

    Giclefort
    Right, my dear.

    Mme Giclefort
    We will dine at la Rochemabelle.

    Manager
    Oh, oh— You will dine very badly.

    Mme Giclefort
    Yes—but there's a magnificent view.

    Manager
    Indeed. But it cannot be digested.

    Giclefort
    Happily, it won't stay longer.

    Mme Giclefort
    Oh! Oh! Charming— How witty he is! He talks like Courteline.

    Manager
    Then go, go to lunch at la Rochemabelle.

    Giclefort
    Indeed, yes—one time.

    Manager
    Funny idea— When here you can— But, you are on the pension here—you are not a la carte.

    Mme Giclefort
    No, no!

    Manager
    Ah yes, oh—good! Then things will be all right. You know, I say that one dines badly at la Rochemabelle. After all, what do I know?

    Giclefort
    And then, we are in good company—and one can eat only a little.

    Manager
    Yes—like two lovers.

    Giclefort
    Eh, yes.

    Mme Giclefort
    Oh—the fact is! I don't know what is going on with Mr Giclefort— maybe it's the effect of the water here. Truly, there are moments. (little amorous shiver) Ah—

    Giclefort (with satisfaction)
    I am in voice, yes, I am in voice.

    Mme Giclefort (coughing, modest)
    Hem!

    Manager (to Giclefort)
    What's all this?

    Giclefort (to his wife)
    Say, tell him a little bit about last night.

    Mme Giclefort
    Come! Come! You have no shame—at our age.

    Giclefort
    What's wrong with our age? We have seen sixty-six springtimes; but it's still springtime.

    Mme Giclefort (simpering)
    Go on! Go on!

    Giclefort
    And when I am sixty-six—I'm only sixty-five, Mme Giclefort is the elder. Me, I am the gigolo!

    Mme Giclefort
    Yes, well then, come Mr Gigolo. Do you have your shawl?

    Giclefort
    I have my shawl—yes—but I am a gigolo. (very proudly) I am the gigolo.

    (They leave by the right. Noise of brakes and bells in the distance.)

    Manager
    Oh—the bus from the hotel! (calling) Lamiche, Pointet.

    A Voice
    Here!

    Manager (to the Bellboy who appears)
    The bus, my boy.

    Bellboy
    Yes, sir, I heard it.

    Waiter (to Bellboy)
    Come, Pointet.

    (Waiter and Bellboy leave by the back.)

    Des Saugettes (running in from the right, to the Manager)
    Good day, sir. I ask your pardon. Madame Plantaredi sends me to find a red silk scarf that she left in her room.

    Manager
    A silk?

    Des Saugettes
    Yes, you know, that she puts around her neck.

    Manager
    Yes— The Maid will know. (calling) Sophy.

    Sophy (at the window)
    Sir?

    Manager
    A silk scarf? Do you see a silk scarf?

    Des Saugettes
    Red?

    Sophy
    Red?

    Des Saugettes
    Yes.

    Sophy
    I am going to see.

    Des Saugettes
    If you please.

    (Sophy disappears from the window.)

    Des Saugettes (to Manager)
    Thanks a lot.

    Bichon (crossing the tennis net)
    Sir.

    Des Saugettes (astonished)
    Me?

    Bichon
    Good day, sir.

    Des Saugettes (still astonished)
    Good day, miss.

    Bichon (pointing to a ball outside the netting)
    The ball, there!

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—pardon. (he gets it)

    Bichon (taking the ball he hands to her)
    If you please! Thanks.

    Des Saugettes
    Nothing at all. (to Manager) Who is that young girl?

    Manager
    She's a hooker!

    Des Saugettes
    Oh.

    Manager
    Sent by the government for the visit of the Shah of Persia.

    Des Saugettes
    Ah?

    Sophy (returning to window)
    Sir.

    Manager and Des Saugettes What?

    Sophy
    You're sure it's red?

    Des Saugettes
    Scarlet—or burgundy.

    Sophy
    I'll look again.

    Manager (seeing tourists arrive)
    Excuse me, more guests arriving.

    Des Saugettes
    Go right ahead.

    Bellboy
    This way, ladies and gentlemen.

    Manager
    You wish room, ladies and gentlemen?

    Several
    If you please. Dumb question.

    Manager (to one of his employees)
    My register.

    First Guest
    I want a separate dressing room.

    Manager
    Surely. You will get 15 or 19. And do you want a large bed or two beds?

    Second Guest
    Two! We are married.

    Manager
    Very well, very well. Number 14 for this gentleman and his wife. And you, sir? A big bed or two beds?

    Lady Guest
    But I don't know sir.

    Manager
    Oh, excuse me, excuse me, I thought you were together.

    Lady Guest
    Huh?

    Male Guest No, no! Not yet!

    Lady Guest (scandalized)
    What do you mean, not yet?

    (Saint Franquet enters and a tennis ball strikes him in the back. Bichon reappears in the back.)

    Bichon
    Did a ball fall here?

    Saint Franquet
    Exactly, Madame, on me.

    Bichon
    Oh, pardon, sir— Oh, Saint Franquet. (she comes around the net to him)

    Saint Franquet
    Bichon! (aside) Oh, hell!

    Bichon
    It's terrible that one cannot stay in some hole in the wall without meeting people one once knew—isn't it?

    Saint Franquet
    Just what I thought.

    Bichon
    It's not proper?

    Saint Franquet
    And—by what chance are you here?

    Bichon
    Oh, fine. I haven't told you, doll! It's true I have not seen you since—

    Saint Franquet
    Doll?

    Bichon
    Why not?

    Saint Franquet
    Good, good, I don't mind.

    Bichon
    I am no longer with Boutinot.

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Bichon
    I jilted him (pause) Cause he kicked me out.

    Saint Franquet
    No?

    Bichon
    Because of my hairdresser.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh!

    Bichon
    It wasn't my fault. He chose the hairdresser himself. The one who dressed his mother.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—well then!

    Bichon
    Well then indeed! That made it even worse. He couldn't stand it that a hairdresser— He was very snobbish you know.

    Female Tennis Player (appearing behind the net)
    Well—Bichon?

    Bichon
    Right away! Right away! (the female Tennis Player disappears) (to Saint Franquet) We'll see each other a little bit, right?

    Saint Franquet
    Certainly.

    Bichon
    Since we've found each other here— The two of us. Ah! Heaven does funny things. I had a yen for you once, you know.

    Saint Franquet
    Can that be true?

    Bichon (sitting on the bench)
    When I think there was never anything between us—

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—you didn't want it.

    Bichon
    Why?

    Saint Franquet
    Boutinot was my friend.

    Bichon
    Well—he was mine, too.

    Saint Franquet
    It's true.

    Bichon
    You are the only one of his friends who didn't try.

    Female Tennis Player (reappearing)
    Well, Bichon—come on!

    Bichon (rising)
    Yes, yes, old girl, I'm coming. (to Saint Franquet) We are going to straighten that out, now, aren't we? All my days are free.

    Saint Franquet
    And the nights.

    Bichon
    Oh— They are taken

    Saint Franquet
    Ah!

    Bichon
    Yes, I am attached to the Shah.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you mean by that?

    Bichon
    The Shah of Persia—! I am here for him! Yes, my dear! I seem like nothing of the sort. Well, I am the favorite. For twenty-one days— The time of the cure.

    Saint Franquet
    You don't say so.

    Bichon
    It's done the diplomatic way. The Consul spoke to Foreign Affairs which spoke to the Interior, which, in turn, spoke to the Prefect— near Maxims. And I was the one chosen from all the others, as the youngest, the prettiest, and because I don't look like a whore.

    Saint Franquet
    My compliments.

    Bichon (sitting down again)
    So, you understand, naturally my nights. Oh— They are not merely acts of being here—because the Shah, you know—phut! He does it like a drunken lion brandishing a knife. But in bed—in love— Oh! No— between us—indeed—no!

    Saint Franquet
    Aha!

    Bichon
    Oh! No, no, no more of the Shah, no more of the Shah.

    Male Tennis Player (against the net)
    Well Bichon— Are you playing or not?

    Bichon (rising)
    But, I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm talking with this gentleman. A friend. (presenting the player to Saint Franquet) Another.

    Saint Franquet (bowing)
    Sir!

    Bichon (to Saint Franquet)
    Then—soon.

    Saint Franquet
    Certainly.

    Bichon (returning to him)
    Moreover, I won't be irritated by talking to you.

    Saint Franquet
    To talk with me.

    Bichon
    It's the same thing. I have to talk to you, because you can give me some advice. It's about a thing proposed to me—a thing—important!

    Saint Franquet (ruffling her)
    Important.

    Bichon
    Don't joke—it is serious. They want me to go into the theater—

    Saint Franquet
    Aha!

    Bichon
    There, as you are a painter, it's the same as art. What should I take up. Singing or dancing girl?

    Saint Franquet
    Is that so? No, but— You sing, too?

    Bichon
    Well-in my fashion?

    Tennis Player Out of tune.

    Bichon
    "Out of tune."— There. The other one. He doesn't know how to return a tennis ball and he mixes in like a judge. No—that is to say, I sing well enough by myself— It's the accompaniment that puts me out.

    Saint Franquet
    Aha.

    Bichon
    You understand. The orchestra plays one tune, I sing another—we have to go together. Despite myself, I sing the same thing as the orchestra.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—the devil! This is serious.

    Bichon
    Yes— Oh! but the director said it wasn't important, since I have very pretty legs.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, then—

    Female Tennis Player
    Oh— Listen, Bichon, that's enough— It is boring.

    Bichon
    Coming, coming. (to Saint Franquet) See you again, Gerard. We will see each other.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, yes.

    Bichon
    That's agreed. Soon! (crossing the net) Who do I serve to?

    Female Tennis Player
    You receive, little one, you receive.

    Bichon
    Oh—fine.

    (They disappear. Saint Franquet watches them and makes a little pout of discontent.)

    Usher
    Here, the Manager, sir. (he disappears)

    Manager (entering)
    Excuse me, sir, but I had to take care of some guests who just arrived. Doubtless you wish a room?

    Saint Franquet
    Indeed—soon.

    Manager
    Would you give me your name?

    Saint Franquet
    Gerard Saint Franquet.

    Manager
    Oh—for sure.

    Saint Franquet
    You know me?

    Manager
    Not at all, sir.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—you spoke as if—"For sure."

    Manager
    I cannot doubt what you tell me.

    Saint Franquet
    Certainly.

    Des Saugettes (out of breath, brandishing a scarf)
    There it is, sir, I got it.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—I thank you very much, for returning to tell me.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—I didn't return. I just had to come this way. I beg your pardon.

    Saint Franquet
    But go on. I would be desolated—

    Des Saugettes
    Good-day, sir. (he leaves by the right)

    Saint Franquet
    Communicative, that fellow.

    Giclefort (rushes in, followed by his wife)
    You wait for me, okay, you wait for me.

    Mme Giclefort
    Yes, go, sweety, go!

    Giclefort (entering the hotel)
    Right, right—

    Manager
    Already returning, Mme Giclefort?

    Mme Giclefort
    Don't speak to me about it. Mr Giclefort makes me despair. He's a real greenhorn. Can you imagine that he let his belt out—pretending it was hot? (to Saint Franquet) Yes, sir. Then, naturally he was taken by these little cramps.

    Manager
    Oh!

    Mme Giclefort (to Saint Franquet He has very delicate intestines. It's his weak side.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, Truly, oh!

    Mme Giclefort
    Excuse me, but I prefer to go up, because when I am not there, he makes everything a mess.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh.

    Mme Giclefort (curtseying)
    Excuse me. (she leaves)

    Saint Franquet
    That woman is communicative, too.

    Manager
    Yes, but in fact, since you are a Parisian, you must have heard of her— It's the famous Stolzini.

    Saint Franquet
    The famous dancer—

    Manager
    Ah, yes sir, what a nice household—if monsieur knew—

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—her husband?

    Manager
    No—he's her lover.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—

    Manager
    He's Mr Giclefort, the proprietor of the "Pretty Gardener."

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—

    Manager
    Would you like to see your rooms?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—yes—I've been told you have fine ones.

    Manager
    Thank you.

    Saint Franquet
    By Mr Plantaredi and his wife.

    Manager
    But, they are here.

    Saint Franquet
    Are they? That's curious.

    Manager
    Would you like a room next to theirs?

    Saint Franquet
    That would be nice.

    Manager
    I won't give you the one next to Mme Plantaredi.

    Saint Franquet
    Why not?

    Manager
    Because it is much smaller.

    Saint Franquet
    I have a horror of large rooms.— Besides, it must be cheaper.

    Manager
    No—same price.

    Saint Franquet
    I'll take the one I prefer for the same price.

    Manager
    Then, I'll put you in number 13.

    Saint Franquet
    Fine! Fine.

    (The Manager goes into the hotel. Plantaredi comes from the tennis courts with a racket.)

    Plantaredi
    Ah—Saint Franquet

    Saint Franquet (pretending astonishment)
    For goodness sakes. If I had expected—

    Plantaredi
    What do you mean, if you had expected? You knew very well we were going to be here.

    Saint Franquet
    Me? Not at all!

    Plantaredi
    What do you mean, not at all? I myself told you, when you asked me where we were spending the summer.

    Saint Franquet
    I don't remember asking you—

    Plantaredi
    Come on, admit you came to find us—

    Saint Franquet
    Nothing of the sort!

    Plantaredi
    It would be nice.

    Saint Franquet
    I only came to get away—

    Plantaredi
    From what?

    Saint Franquet
    My nerves—I twitch at night, like I just got an electric shock.

    Plantaredi
    Then, you must leave immediately.

    Saint Franquet
    Why?

    Plantaredi
    The waters here are phosphorescent, radioactive, super exciting.

    Saint Franquet
    Bah! I'll stay out of the waters.

    Plantaredi
    Why tell me these stories? You are here for us.

    Saint Franquet (with energy)
    No.

    Plantaredi
    Yes! Only, you don't want to say it, because you are afraid my wife might greet you coldly.

    Saint Franquet
    Me?

    Plantaredi
    I don't know why my wife has it in for you, my friend. But, she can't stand having you around.

    Saint Franquet
    Really?

    Plantaredi
    What do you want? Still, my friend, you are clumsy. One would say you didn't know women. To penetrate a household and show a preference for the husband alienates the wife.— It's well known, each time you visit, you say "I come to see your husband." That's nice for my wife.

    Saint Franquet
    I hadn't looked at it that way.

    Plantaredi
    Wait! Here she is, right now, you are going to see. You are going to see her mind—

    (Micheline comes in from the right, followed by Des Saugettes loaded down with umbrellas, rackets, mantles, etc.)

    Micheline
    Do you have everything, Des Saugettes?

    Des Saugettes
    I believe, yes, I have everything.

    Micheline
    Well—the camera.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, my God! The camera. I left the camera.

    Micheline
    You have only to bring that, and you forget the camera.

    Des Saugettes
    I am unforgivable. I don't know how I could— Oh—

    Plantaredi
    Go, go—now, fetch it.

    Des Saugettes
    Yes, yes. (he runs out)

    Plantaredi
    Scatterbrain! Go!

    Saint Franquet
    Dear Madame.

    Micheline
    Mr Saint Franquet, here!

    Saint Franquet
    Yes! Yes, Madame.

    Micheline (icily)
    Oh— Enchanted.

    Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
    Well—well— What did I tell you.— Her mind, eh?

    Saint Franquet
    But—no—I don't see.

    Micheline (to Plantaredi)
    What "her mind, eh?" What do you mean by that— "Her mind, eh?"

    Plantaredi
    Nothing, nothing. I told him that when you should see him, you would show him your mind.

    Micheline
    Me?

    Plantaredi
    Yes, of course. And there it is. You can't stand the smell of him. That's a clear fact. And now he knows.

    Micheline (shrugging her shoulders)
    I can't stand the smell of him! Oh, that's stupid, what you are saying. I neither smell, nor not smell Mr Saint Franquet.

    Saint Franquet
    But evidently!

    Des Saugettes (running in out of breath)
    Here—here's—the camera.

    Plantaredi
    About time! You are winded?

    Des Saugettes
    No—oh, but give me your chair, you are burdened.

    Saint Franquet
    This isn't a man— It's a cloak room.

    Plantaredi
    Thanks. (letting Des Saugettes take everything) (to Saint Franquet) Now—I am going to present a charming boy to you—Mr Des Saugettes.

    Des Saugettes (touched)
    Oh, monsieur Plantaredi.

    Saint Franquet
    But, I've already had the pleasure of meeting him, just now.

    Des Saugettes
    Yes—sort of—

    Saint Franquet
    Running after a silk scarf, like a butterfly after a snare.

    Plantaredi
    Ah yes, my wife's scarf. But, that's not all. We've got to go in and change clothes. My wife and I are sweating.

    Micheline
    What? Speak for yourself.

    Plantaredi
    Well—so be it. I am sweating and my wife is perspiring.

    Micheline
    Not at all. What an idea!

    Plantaredi
    What— There's nothing to be ashamed of— My little Saugettes.

    Des Saugettes
    Sir.

    Plantaredi
    You are going to come up with me and give me a rub down.

    Des Saugettes
    But, with pleasure, sir.

    Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
    You have no idea how agreeable this boy is! He gives me a rub down every day.

    Saint Franquet
    Really?

    Des Saugettes (flattered)
    Oh, sir.

    Plantaredi
    And, he does a good job.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, sir, truly!

    Plantaredi
    Yes, yes, no false modesty. Too bad he's well off. He'd make an admirable masseur.

    Des Saugettes (laughing modestly)
    Oh, you flatter me, Mr. Plantaredi, you flatter me.

    Plantaredi
    I speak as I think. (to Saint Franquet) If you have aches, pains, rheumatism, I recommend him to you.

    Des Saugettes (very touched)
    Oh, I am confused, really, I am confused.

    Plantaredi
    Give him a little massage.

    Des Saugettes
    With pleasure.

    Saint Franquet
    Very nice of you—but I don't have any rheumatism.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—I regret—

    Saint Franquet
    Not me—but I'm touched all the same.

    Plantaredi
    Let's go. (to Micheline) And you, since you are not perspiring, well, are you going to keep company with your friend Saint Franquet?

    Micheline
    Me? Me?— But—

    Plantaredi
    But yes, but yes. (to Saint Franquet) Well, do you believe me now when I tell you she can't stand the smell of you? Do you believe it?

    Micheline
    Oh, please shut up—you are ridiculous.

    Plantaredi
    Oh—you'll have a hard time being sociable.

    Micheline (between her teeth)
    Imbecile!

    Plantaredi
    Yes, dear. (to Des Saugettes) Come, come, my appointed master. (he pushes him into the hotel in front of him) Till later.

    Saint Franquet (with feeling)
    Oh thanks, thanks, for those words of love which you husband just now uttered.

    Micheline (dazed)
    Huh! What? What words of love?

    Saint Franquet
    "You can't stand the smell of me."

    Micheline
    You find love in that?

    Saint Franquet
    Absolutely! For have I done anything to you? No— Then, why do you detest me, unless you're afraid you will fall in love with me?

    Micheline
    Oh, for heaven's sake. Talk about fatuousness.

    Saint Franquet
    Fatuous, perhaps—but it is based on observation.

    Micheline
    First of all, sir—what did you come here for?

    Saint Franquet
    Why, the waters—for depression.

    Micheline
    Come on, come on, tell that to someone else. You decided it was not enough to invade my domicile all winter, and to insinuate yourself into the good graces of my husband, having profited to the extent of implanting yourself in my house—in my household.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh— Oh.

    Micheline
    Let me speak! To the point where people began to gossip.

    Saint Franquet
    Why did these people mix in?

    Micheline
    — In what's none of their business! What? They have the right, indeed. And now, you have the cheek to come here to chase me again, to expose me—again—

    Saint Franquet
    But, not at all! I am a friend of your husband. I came to find him, that's very natural.

    Micheline
    There! There! What I just told you. Those are your tactics! (seeing the Gicleforts leave the hotel) And now, I beg you—in front of people— It wouldn't be past you to cause me a scene in public.

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Micheline
    Smile—come on, smile!

    Saint Franquet (dazed)
    Yes—yes!

    (Both force smiles on their faces.)

    Mme Giclefort (to Mr Giclefort)
    Hurry! Come on, hurry! (They both sit on the bench and smile at Saint Franquet and Micheline) Well—it's over. The impudent little fellow has put on his belt.

    Micheline and Saint Franquet Oh!— Oh?

    Mme Giclefort
    Sir— Madame— (she and her husband leave)

    Micheline (returning to the war)
    It really is your tactic. For many years you knew my husband, and met him in your circle of acquaintances— And from when dates this colossal tenderness—huh?

    Saint Franquet
    From when?

    Micheline (rising)
    Don't lie! The date—I can be precise—was the date of the day after you first saw me with him.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh— And then? When would it be? When love dictated to me what you call "this tactic."

    Micheline
    Finally! You admit it.

    Saint Franquet (rising also)
    Yes, I admit it. I admit it, now that what I wanted to happen has happened. Your husband couldn't leave me alone until he introduced me to you. And then, that was the completion of my wishes. I was happy I could see you, live your life, breathe your air—you were there.

    Micheline
    You hear him! You hear him!

    Saint Franquet
    Why are you so sulky with me? Because I commit the crime of looking for a way to be near you?— But, have I once asked anything of you?

    Micheline
    No—but that will come.

    Saint Franquet
    Since I want to be your lover—

    Micheline
    You admit it, you admit it.

    Saint Franquet
    If one day, in a moment of weakness—you feel yourself disposed—to me—

    Micheline
    And, if in a moment of weakness, I felt myself disposed to you—?

    Saint Franquet
    In moments like that, if it's not me, it's someone else— Let it be me.

    Micheline
    So, so, it's out in the open. Well no, my friend, no—get it out of your head—I'll never be your mistress.

    Saint Franquet
    I don't know why you say things like that to me.

    Micheline (pronouncing each word)
    I will not do it!

    Saint Franquet
    Well—that's good. That's fine. (Micheline sits on the bench, a little time goes by) How badly you know me.

    Micheline
    Yes—pretty deception! It's for my husband's pretty eyes that you surround him with your kindness. And his charms made you want him to sit for his portrait.

    Saint Franquet
    You have no right to speak of that. You played that trick on me.

    Micheline
    You said you wanted to paint those features "which were most dear to you." I naturally thought you meant his.

    Saint Franquet
    That was a crude little trick of yours. But he was still a little part of you—so I made him as pretty as I could.

    Micheline
    He was very happy with it.

    Saint Franquet
    By God, he's never looked so good! Ah, why must I love you? (forcefully) Oh yes, I love you!

    Micheline
    Not so loud! Not so loud!

    Saint Franquet (choking)
    Oh yes, I love you.

    Micheline
    But, what's wrong with you? I've never seen you in such a state.

    Saint Franquet
    It's the water. It's the water. I haven't yet drunk any, but never mind, I feel regenerated already. It's the radioactivity. (rushing to her) Ah, Micheline! Micheline!

    Micheline
    You leave me alone! You leave me alone!

    Saint Franquet
    No, no, Micheline.

    Micheline (pushing him, her flower falls off)
    Pay attention— You broke my flower.

    Saint Franquet
    What does it matter? Micheline!

    Micheline
    Everything! People are coming.

    Saint Franquet (picking up the flower)
    Oh.

    Micheline
    Smile! Smile! (she sits down)

    Saint Franquet (sitting, too)
    Yes, yes. (smiles all around)

    Manager (melon in hand)
    Then—off the right—and you will find the spring on the left.

    Tourists/Guests Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    (The Tourists, a bit astonished at the smiles of Micheline and Saint Franquet, return the grimaces and leave.)

    Manager
    Ah—you have found Madame Plantaredi.

    Saint Franquet (irritated)
    Yes! Yes.

    Micheline (choking)
    What? (she gets up sharply, as does Saint Franquet)

    Manager (confidentially)
    I am going to get a new melon, this one is too ripe.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—oh—good.

    Manager (bowing)
    Monsieur, Madame. (he goes out)

    Micheline
    Oh really, you are mad! Have you been confiding in this man?

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, me, not at all! He told me you were here, and all I said was, "I'd be glad to see them."

    Micheline
    Now, who's going to believe that? Of the three hundred guests in the hotel, he just up and said the Plantaredis are here—and he doesn't know you from Adam.

    Saint Franquet
    It didn't happen that way at all.

    Micheline (accompanying her words with nervous little taps on the table in front of her)
    Oh—no, of course it didn't happen that way! Did you plan to do everything you could to compromise me?

    Saint Franquet
    Me? No!

    Micheline
    Yes, you.

    Saint Franquet
    She's worried.

    Waiter (coming out of the hotel)
    Did you want something, sir?

    Saint Franquet (absently)
    Worried. No, I didn't call you—it was the lady.

    Waiter
    What'll it be, mam?

    Micheline
    I want—I would like—

    Saint Franquet
    A Pina Colada—virgin.

    Waiter
    Yes, sir.

    Micheline
    What's a virgin?

    Saint Franquet
    No alcohol in it.

    Micheline
    What's that waiter going to think of me? You are completely crazy.

    Saint Franquet
    It doesn't matter to me what he thinks.

    Micheline
    But not to me! What am I? A woman who picks her nose? You have a way of mixing in everything—

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—no, no. (passionately) Oh, if you knew.

    Micheline
    Oh—no, no—you're not going to start all over again, are you? Anyway, give me my flower.

    Saint Franquet
    Your flower?

    Micheline
    Yes, my carnation.

    Saint Franquet
    You're not going to take it away from me? Are you?

    Micheline
    You are going to make me mad. (she tears the carnation from him)

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—you are cruel!

    Micheline
    Goodbye, dear sir.

    Saint Franquet
    I love you, Micheline.

    Micheline
    I forbid you to all me Micheline.

    Saint Franquet
    I love you, dear lady.

    Micheline
    Dear lady— Oh—you make me laugh.

    Saint Franquet
    That's it. Laugh! Laugh! When one laughs, one is half disarmed.

    Micheline
    But, you refuse to understand, my poor friend—I don't cheat on my husband.

    Saint Franquet
    That's very funny.

    Micheline
    Not at all!

    Saint Franquet
    Well—all the same, if you change your mind, by chance— Let it be with me!

    Micheline (laughing)
    No, really, you are laughable.

    Saint Franquet
    But damn it, you cannot love him.

    Micheline
    Who?

    Saint Franquet
    Your husband! Look at him. There he is in the window. He looks radiant. Radiant! Yes, bonjour, bonjour— Have a nice rub down. Go on!

    Micheline
    Don't you mock him. I won't stand for it.

    Saint Franquet
    I am not mocking him. But, look at him—with that imbecile— How can you love him? Has he got the figure of a lover?

    Micheline
    I thought it was you who loved him?

    Saint Franquet
    Certainly I love him. I love him like a friend—but not like a lover.

    Micheline
    Oh no, no—and that's enough. (Plantaredi disappears from the window) I warn you, if you start again, I'll call my husband.

    Saint Franquet
    If you think I'll give in to such threats— Call your husband. I still love you. There will be a brouhaha. At least, we'll have a situation.

    Micheline
    Oh—you defy me. Very well, it's you who asked for it. Antoine, Antoine.

    Saint Franquet (seizing her hand and pulling her to him)
    Oh no, no—you are not going to do that.

    Plantaredi (opening the window)
    Did you call me, my dear?

    Saint Franquet
    No, no!

    Plantaredi
    Hey, that's nice. Hand in hand. You are doing it for me. Bravo!

    Saint Franquet
    Eh, yes, yes, yes. (to Micheline) Right?

    Micheline
    Right.

    Saint Franquet
    Madame Plantaredi loves me now.

    Micheline
    What?

    Saint Franquet
    No—I mean—from now on, hostilities have ceased.

    Plantaredi
    L'Entente Cordiale! Bravo. Hey, have you seen my shorts, I can't find them?

    Micheline
    Wait, I'm coming up. (to Saint Franquet) With your permission.

    Saint Franquet
    I beg you.

    Plantaredi
    Was it difficult?

    Saint Franquet
    Oh!

    Plantaredi
    Don't repel her. It's all in knowing how to handler her.

    Saint Franquet
    Right.

    Plantaredi
    Excuse me. (he disappears inside)

    Waiter (coming in with drinks)
    The Pina Colada—virgin.

    (Saint Franquet pays the Waiter. Dotty arrives, followed by Tommy.)

    Dotty
    Hurry up, Tommy. You're slow as a tortoise.

    Tommy
    It's because you walk so fast, Dotty.

    Dotty (sees Saint Franquet and almost faints)
    Oh— Shut up, Tommy!— Oh!

    Tommy
    What is it?

    Dotty
    Oh!

    Saint Franquet (embarrassed)
    Something must be wrong with me.

    Dotty (going to him)
    Bonjour, Monsieur.

    Saint Franquet
    Huh! Bonjour, Madame.

    Dotty
    No— Mademoiselle. Not married.

    Saint Franquet (correcting)
    Mademoiselle. Very pleased to meet you. (she shakes his hand and won't let go) But, you must be making a mistake, Miss. I can't recall ever meeting you before.

    Dotty
    Me either! I don't know you.

    Saint Franquet (stunned)
    Oh! Oh!

    Dotty (presenting Tommy)
    My fiancé.

    Saint Franquet
    Delighted.

    Tommy (like a martyr)
    Yes.

    Dotty (to Tommy, while devouring Saint Franquet with her eyes)
    Oh! How lovely. Isn't he, Tommy?

    Tommy (scandalized)
    What do you mean, Dotty?

    Dotty
    Oh, shut up, Tommy! Oh, lovely! Lovely!

    Saint Franquet (dazed)
    I beg your pardon, but—I just go there and—

    Dotty
    Oh, pardon, pardon.

    Saint Franquet
    Certainly—certainly—very happy.

    Tommy (champing at the bit)
    Oh! Oh! Oh!

    Dotty (to Saint Franquet)
    Are you staying for a while?

    Saint Franquet
    For a while—yes, yes.

    Dotty
    Oh—then, we'll go for walks together—you'll like that?

    Saint Franquet
    Huh? Oh! Certainly! Certainly Miss, Sir. (aside) It's got to be the waters here— Oh. (he escapes to the hotel)

    Dotty
    Oh, Tommy! Tommy! The young man is living in the hotel with us.

    Tommy
    Yes—but who is he?

    Dotty
    I don't know. I don't know him. I love him. I love him.

    Tommy
    But, Dotty, I am your fiancé.

    Dotty
    Yes. But, you promised you would do everything I wanted.

    Tommy
    That's true, but—

    Dotty
    Well—go tell him! I love him and I want to marry him.

    Tommy
    You're asking me to—? What about me?

    Dotty
    You can marry someone else. I am going to marry him.

    Tommy
    Dotty! I love you.

    Dotty
    Poor Tommy. And I love him. Oh, what wretches we are!

    Tommy
    I'm going to go have my head examined.

    Dotty
    Why, Tommy?

    Tommy
    'Cause I'm going to kill myself.

    Dotty
    But, Tommy, I love you very much. Only not for marriage. So, tell him I love him. I love him.

    Tommy
    Oh, oh! Never. Never. Better I kill him.

    Dotty
    Tommy, if you do that I will never marry you.

    Tommy
    And, if I don't do it?

    Dotty
    Then, I'll marry him.

    Tommy (sitting down, head in hand)
    Poor, poor Tommy.

    Dotty (consoling him)
    Don't cry, Tommy. Don't cry

    (Bichon appears with two partners who go off.)

    Bichon
    That's that. See you soon for revenge.

    Dotty (pointing to Bichon)
    Oh look, look The little lady who ate near us in the restaurant.

    Tommy
    Yes.

    Dotty
    Oh, Miss—

    Bichon
    Me? Miss?

    Dotty
    Pardon—I wanted to ask you—I don't know how to say it—

    Bichon
    Go on, Miss. Go on.

    Dotty
    Are you a hooker?

    Bichon (dazed)
    What?

    Dotty (in spite of signs from Tommy)
    No, I mean—you are very—

    Bichon (guardedly)
    Yes, yes—I understand, I understand, Miss. Oh, but allow me—

    Dotty
    You're not angry?

    Bichon
    No! No!

    Dotty
    Then, you are a woman—for love?

    Bichon (philosophically)
    You might say that.

    Dotty
    And, all the men love you?

    Bichon
    There are not too many to complain of.

    Dotty
    Oh, tell me! Tell me! How do you do it?

    Bichon
    But, you are asking me to give you an education.

    Dotty
    Oh, tell me! Tell me! Yes, because I don't know. And I want to know how to make all the men love me.

    Bichon
    Oh! Oh?

    Dotty
    Because I love one fellow so much.

    Bichon (interested)
    Really? Who's that?

    Dotty
    I don't know. I don't know him. It's a thunderbolt.

    Bichon (to Tommy)
    Oh, isn't she sweet?

    Dotty
    Yes—a thunderbolt.

    Tommy (sadly)
    Dotty!

    Dotty
    Let me alone, Tommy! (to Bichon) This is my fiancé.

    Bichon
    Oh! Oh! (Tommy rises) My congratulations, sir.

    Tommy (miserable)
    Thanks.

    Dotty
    Because my father raises more hogs than anyone in America.

    Bichon
    Oh! Oh!

    Dotty
    He's a millionaire.

    Bichon
    To make millions with pigs!

    Dotty
    So, what shall I do?

    Bichon
    Well—if you love him—you must tell him.

    Dotty
    I asked my fiancé and (indignantly) he wouldn't do it for me!

    Tommy (furious)
    Oh no!

    (Saint Franquet enters. Dotty sees him.)

    Dotty
    Oh, dear me, here he is.

    Bichon (laughing)
    No! Hey, Gerard!

    Saint Franquet (annoyed)
    Oh, Bichon again. (aloud) What?

    Dotty
    Oh, no. Be quiet!

    Bichon (to Saint Franquet)
    Can you imagine, this lady—?

    Dotty
    Oh no, no, I'm going. Come, Tommy—

    Tommy
    Yes—I'm coming. I hate that guy—

    (Dotty and Tommy leave.)

    Bichon
    Well, old friend, can you imagine? You have inspired a passion.

    Saint Franquet
    Me?

    Bichon
    Yes. The little lady. The thunderbolt! Daughter of a millionaire. Wow, I adore you! This turns me on! (she hangs on his neck)

    Saint Franquet (pushing her off)
    Come, if someone saw you.

    Bichon
    Well— They would say you were getting on well.

    Saint Franquet
    Look—I'm very pleased to have found you again, but I'm here with some people—people of the world.

    Bichon
    What, then? Am I not a woman of the world?

    Saint Franquet
    That's not what I mean. (seeing Plantaredi) Oh, hell! (to Bichon) Go away! Go away. One of the people in question.

    Bichon
    Oh, that one—oh, my old friend.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you mean, "oh, my old friend"?

    Bichon
    Fine, perfect. (going) I haven't see you. I haven't seen you.

    Saint Franquet (between his teeth)
    What a tart!

    Plantaredi (coming in)
    Do you know that little woman there?

    Saint Franquet
    Me? Not at all. She was asking some information of me. The way to the spring.

    Plantaredi
    What nonsense—the spring. She goes there twice a day. She wanted to take a walk with you.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you want me to say? I don't know her.

    Plantaredi
    What a shame.

    Saint Franquet
    Why?

    Plantaredi (checking to make sure his wife cannot hear him)
    She pleases me a lot.

    Saint Franquet
    You are a serious man.

    Plantaredi
    Well, yes—serious. Serious in Paris— But here— Well, I fell a little raunchy.

    Saint Franquet
    And your wife?

    Plantaredi
    She? Oh, she intimidates me.

    Saint Franquet (enchanted)
    Truly?

    Plantaredi
    Honest women leave me cold.

    Saint Franquet
    Get out!

    Plantaredi
    I don't know how to say it. She's like the institution of marriage itself. It castrates me. One can say these things to a friend— She doesn't like it very much.

    Saint Franquet (delighted)
    With you?

    Plantaredi
    Certainly with me. And not with anyone else, for sure.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes— That's what I meant to say—

    Plantaredi
    The truth is, we are not well suited temperamentally.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, yes—

    Plantaredi
    I am so passionate and she's frigid. Well, I think I've come to a turning point.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—the coming of old age.

    Plantaredi
    Bah! I'm going to the spring.

    Saint Franquet
    To find the little woman?

    Plantaredi
    To drink my water. I'll be right back. If my wife comes, tell her.

    Saint Franquet
    Understood.

    (Plantaredi leaves by the right. Bichon appears at the tennis nets.)

    Bichon
    Hep!

    Saint Franquet
    Huh! It's you again.

    Bichon
    Tel me—was it for this marriage you are making all that fuss?

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Bichon
    Oh right, you know—do we have to repeat—because the wife— Aha. (she wiggles)

    Saint Franquet
    What do you mean—the wife, aha? What do you mean?

    Bichon
    She's like the others, my dear, like the others.

    Saint Franquet (furious)
    Like the others! I forbid you to say that.

    Des Saugettes (leaving)
    I ask your pardon. I am going to get Mr Plantaredi's letters at the post office.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, go— That's fine. (to Bichon) What do you mean—"the wife, aha?"

    Bichon
    Well, you have only to ask your friend.

    Saint Franquet
    What friend?

    Bichon
    The little gigolo—who's going to fetch the husband's letters. Oh, oh, my poor little old friend.

    Saint Franquet
    What are you insinuating?

    Bichon
    Nothing, nothing. I was wrong to tell you. I see you are vexed.

    Saint Franquet
    Me? I was going to kiss you.

    Bichon
    Really? Just try it.

    Saint Franquet
    Just so! (embracing her with rage)

    Bichon
    Watch out—someone's coming.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—someone's looking. Still, I'll kiss you, tousle you. (seeing Micheline in the hotel door) Oh— Do you want to escape? Do you want to get away?

    Bichon
    Oh—little one—it's not my fault. (she wiggles out to the right)

    Saint Franquet
    What a tart that woman is!

    Micheline
    Oh, my congratulations and my excuses for coming so inopportunely to upset your amorous effusions.

    Saint Franquet
    It wasn't so bad.

    Micheline (despite herself, a bit nervously)
    A relative, no doubt.

    Saint Franquet
    Not at all. A coquette.

    Micheline
    At least you are frank.

    Saint Franquet
    Men are.

    Micheline
    What do you mean by that?

    Saint Franquet
    Men are frank, and women are not. They flaunt their virtue when they don't like the man who is prattling of love to them, but they know better than to talk that way to a gigolo who they prefer to flirt with.

    Micheline
    Your remark is directed at me?

    Saint Franquet
    I didn't name anyone. You recognize yourself rather quickly.

    Micheline
    If it wasn't directed at me, your remark wouldn't make any sense, therefore it is useless to play the Jesuit.

    Saint Franquet
    Then, you admit this little imbecile of a Des Saugettes—

    Micheline
    I admit nothing. Think what you like. I don't have to give an account to you—

    Saint Franquet (pacing up and down)
    True. Very true! (stopping) I am not sorry to have figured you out!

    Micheline (also angry)
    Good, good. (seeing Des Saugettes) Des Saugettes.

    Saint Franquet (between his teeth)
    The little puppet.

    Des Saugettes
    Here I am back.

    Micheline (uneasily Yes, yes.

    Saint Franquet (looking at Des Saugettes' buttonhole)
    My word—he does have her flower.

    Des Saugettes
    Did you hear thunder? I believe we're in for it.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—I think we're in for it, too.

    Micheline
    We'd better go in.

    Des Saugettes
    Willingly.

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—Mr Des Saugettes—pardon me.

    Des Saugettes
    Dear sir?

    Saint Franquet
    What is that flower you are wearing?

    Des Saugettes
    It's a carnation.

    Saint Franquet (breathing hard imitating Des Saugettes)
    It's a carnation. You are an idiot.

    Des Saugettes
    Huh?

    Micheline (afraid of a scandal)
    Mr Saint Franquet.

    Saint Franquet
    A carnation. I know enough about botany to recognize that.

    Des Saugettes
    But you asked me?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes. Well, sir, would you kindly withdraw this flower?

    Des Saugettes
    Huh?

    Saint Franquet (drawing out his words)
    Would you kindly withdraw this flower?

    Des Saugettes
    But—

    Saint Franquet
    Do you wish, sir, to withdraw this flower?

    Micheline
    I beg you, Mr Saint Franquet.

    Saint Franquet
    And I beg you, too, Madame. This is a matter between the gentleman and myself.

    Des Saugettes
    Pardon, sir, I don't understand.

    Saint Franquet
    You haven't understood! It displeases me to see that flower in your buttonhole. Take it out.

    (Lightning flashes.)

    Des Saugettes
    Sir, I'm not accustomed to—

    Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
    But, you have gone mad.

    Saint Franquet
    Exactly. I've gone mad.

    (Thunder.)

    Saint Franquet (to Des Saugettes)
    If, in two seconds, you have not removed that flower, I will pull your ears off.

    Des Saugettes (moving back a little)
    Ah, but, sir—

    Micheline
    Mr Saint Franquet!

    Des Saugettes
    Sir, you must know—

    Saint Franquet (jumping)
    Sir, sir. What are you saying, "I must know." "You dare me." "I must know." Do you hear that? I must know, I must know.

    Micheline (overwhelmed)
    Sir— Mr de Saint Franquet.

    Saint Franquet
    Do you intend to remove that flower?

    Des Saugettes
    No, but listen—

    Saint Franquet
    You don't wish to withdraw it? As you please.

    (Saint Franquet strikes Des Saugettes.)

    Des Saugettes (holding his cheeks)
    Oh—but look here. I am going to take it away.

    Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
    You are insane! You are losing your mind. By what right do you—?

    Saint Franquet
    Pardon me, Madame, I am the sole judge of my actions.

    Micheline
    This is too much!

    (Lightning.)

    Plantaredi (arriving)
    How's the Entente Cordiale going?

    (Thunder.)

    Micheline
    Oh, you are here. You came just in time. This gentleman—

    Des Saugettes
    Yes—can you imagine—

    Saint Franquet
    Let me explain.

    Micheline
    No sir, please. My husband wants me to speak.

    Plantaredi
    What? What? At it again?

    Des Saugettes (pointing to Saint Franquet)
    Can you imagine? I didn't say anything—

    Plantaredi
    Shut up, Des Saugettes.

    Micheline
    You are my husband. It's up to you to make them respect me.

    Plantaredi
    What—someone dared to show you lack of respect?

    Micheline
    You know my flower, my carnation—my carnation—well, Des Saugettes put it in his buttonhole.

    Plantaredi (to Des Saugettes)
    This is too much! Why? Why did you put this carnation in your buttonhole?

    Des Saugettes
    Me?

    Micheline
    But he's not at fault! Leave this child alone.

    Plantaredi (to Des Saugettes)
    Oh—sorry.

    Des Saugettes
    No problem.

    Plantaredi
    But, then who? Who?

    Micheline (pointing to Saint Franquet)
    This gentleman—who has just made an unspeakable scene and just struck Mr Saugettes.

    Saint Franquet
    Right!

    Des Saugettes
    Yes—I don't understand, I said nothing to him.

    Plantaredi
    Can't you keep out of this! Leave us alone, okay?

    Des Saugettes
    Oh!

    Micheline
    Well—what do you think?

    Plantaredi
    Well—what do you mean? It was bothersome for Des Saugettes—

    Micheline
    Eh! Des Saugettes has nothing to do with this. It's a question of me! Of you!

    Plantaredi
    Of us?

    Micheline
    You find it natural for this gentleman to compromise me, making a scandal over this flower—

    Saint Franquet
    Excuse me! Excuse me!

    Micheline
    Yes, sir, you asked me, and it's because I refused you—

    Saint Franquet
    When can I speak—?

    Des Saugettes
    And then, apropos of nothing, without reason, I received a blow.

    Plantaredi
    Will you leave us in peace! No one is paying attention to you here.

    Micheline
    Oh, you admit that, you, you admit that?

    Plantaredi
    Not at all! (to Saint Franquet) My wife is right, sir. Can you explain to me?

    Saint Franquet
    Right, right, it's very good. If you think it is all right for this little gentleman to display in his buttonhole flowers people have seen your wife wear.

    Micheline
    That is not your concern!

    Plantaredi
    Absolutely!

    Saint Franquet
    If you allow this gigolo to make you ridiculous—

    All Three
    Ridiculous!

    Plantaredi
    "Ridiculous." Are you insinuating that my wife—?

    Saint Franquet
    No, but—

    Plantaredi
    Then, why are you mixing in?

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—if you take that tone—

    Plantaredi
    I take whatever tone pleases me.

    Saint Franquet
    Do you speak to me like that! Sir, you don't know me. You will have an affair with me.

    Plantaredi
    Useless to put on grand airs with me. Because I'm not a bully, do you believe you can frighten me?

    Micheline
    Well, you see him, your friend, you see him! And you reproach me for keeping him at a distance. You see, you can have confidence in him.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh no, I will remember this. To think how I put myself out to be nice to everyone— And because of a flower, I get hit in the face. Oh, not at all— This can go on forever.

    Plantaredi
    Enough. Let's stop this. (to Saint Franquet) Tomorrow, sir, you will receive my seconds.

    Saint Franquet
    Fine, sir, I am at your disposition.

    Micheline (to Plantaredi)
    My friend, my friend, you are not going to fight.

    Manager (overwhelmed)
    A fight. A fight in my hotel. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I beg you—

    Plantaredi
    Go take a walk.

    Manager (submissively)
    Yes. (to Saint Franquet) Sir, sir—for my hotel.

    Saint Franquet
    Go for your walk!

    (The guests have come out to watch.)

    Saint Franquet (to guests)
    What do you want? Is this your affair?

    Guests (disconcerted)
    No—but—

    Saint Franquet
    Well, go eat! Go walk!

    (The guests leave, grumbling.)

    Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
    Sir, your conduct is unworthy!

    Plantaredi (to Micheline)
    That's fine! That's fine. No more. (between his teeth) My God, how stupid this is.

    Micheline (low to Des Saugettes)
    As for you, why did you have to put that flower in your buttonhole?

    Plantaredi
    Yes. What did you do that for?

    Des Saugettes
    But, I didn't know, sir. It had fallen to the earth, and I didn't want to step on it.

    Micheline
    You are a little beast! A little beast!

    Des Saugettes
    I— Oh!

    (They go into the hotel, leaving Des Saugettes behind.)

    Saint Franquet (pacing in rage)
    Oh! Oh! Oh!

    Des Saugettes
    Listen, sir, now we are alone—

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—you get to hell away from me or I'll break your face.

    Des Saugettes (disconcerted)
    Oh yes, sir, yes.

    Saint Franquet
    Tomorrow, my seconds.

    Des Saugettes
    As many as you like, sir, as many as you like. (going) Sacred name of God!

    Bichon (rushing in)
    What has happened? A dispute?

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—you—go to the devil!

    Bichon
    Huh!

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—rather, no. Come here, I adore you— (he pulls her to him)

    Bichon
    Huh?

    Saint Franquet
    Indeed, you are a real woman, you are honest. You make love, but you don't do it virtuously—you are honest.

    Bichon
    You are mad.

    (Thunder.)

    Saint Franquet
    I love you, I adore you, I adore you. (embracing her with rage)

    Bichon
    Come on, come on, this is stupid, you are tickling me. Come on.

    (Lightning.)

    Saint Franquet
    Never mind. You are honest. (repeated kisses)

    (Violent thunder.)

    Bichon
    Come on—come on— (raining) Oh, fudge—it's raining.

    Saint Franquet
    I adore you.

    (Tommy runs in, followed by Dotty, who is struck dumb watching Saint Franquet cover Bichon with kisses.)

    Tommy
    Oh, look at him! Look at him!

    Dotty
    Oh! (emotionally) How he knows how to love.

    Micheline (at the window)
    Ah—your friend—look at him, your friend.

    Plantaredi (at window)
    Oh!

    Saint Franquet
    I adore you. I adore you.

    Bichon (rising, pulling him to the hotel)
    Fine—but it's raining too much, you can tell me upstairs.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I adore you. Certainly, I adore you.

    Dotty
    Oh—how lovely, how lovely.

    (Giclefort and Mme Giclefort run in holding their heads under Madame's skirt. Bichon returns.)

    Bichon
    Get a load of that. (indicating the Gicleforts) Paul and Virginia!

    (Thunder. Lightning.)

    CURTAIN

    Act II

    Saint Franquet's studio.

    Before the curtain rises, you can hear Bichon singing, accompanied on the piano. Bichon is singing, skirts pulled up.

    Bichon
    Aha! Aha! Moya bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot.
    Troumali, Troumala. Aya Koulami, Aya Koulami.
    Ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki.
    (traipsing to the right, then to the left)
    Moya bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot.
    Troumali, Troumala. Kakali, Kakala.
    Zig, zig, zig, zig, ZIG!
    (to her accompanist)
    There, that's it. A good tempo after the second "aha." Then, I do my little shiver and then speed up on "moya bot," okay.

    Accompanist (unseen)
    Uh— Aha!

    Bichon
    Okay! One more time, then we'll stop. (she comes in as if making her entry)
    En amoure, En alvadou si cousi cosa— voyalminett. Aya bougi.

    Saint Franquet (in shirtsleeves surging like a waterspout)
    Oh no, you can't be boring us with your song!

    Bichon (jumping)
    Boring.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, boring. It's time. Is it going to go on forever—this serenade?

    Bichon
    It's not a serenade. It's a chansonette.

    Saint Franquet
    It's idiotic, your song.

    Bichon
    I regret. Doubtless, my dear, you don't understand it.

    Saint Franquet
    You mean you do?

    Bichon
    In every respect. I wrote it.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh! Fine.

    Bichon
    It's an Apache song.

    Saint Franquet
    So, what does it mean, Aya koumali, ki, ki, ki?

    Bichon
    Firs of all "koulami."

    Saint Franquet
    Kohlami, if you like, I don't know the language ki, ki, ki. Kabali, kabala.

    Bichon (disdainfully)
    Oh, evidently, it means nothing the way you say it. But, when you put a little meaning, a little art— (she does)
    Aya koulami, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, Troumali, troumala—kakali, kakala— Like that— It changes everything.

    Saint Franquet (ironically)
    Oh yes, it changes completely.

    Bichon
    That is precisely the role of artists, to make clear to the public things which are not.

    Saint Franquet (to accompanist)
    Still, don't you find this idiotic?

    Des Saugettes (appearing from behind the piano)
    Yes, yes. (he has a big grin in his face)

    Bichon
    I didn't ask your opinion.

    Des Saugettes
    It was Gerard who asked me.

    Bichon
    Naturally. It would have astonished me if you were not of his opinion. You've licked his feet ever since he had that duel with you.

    Des Saugettes
    Me?

    Bichon
    Evidently, you are frightened.

    Des Saugettes (laughing)
    Oh, oh—I am frightened—

    Bichon
    And then, you mess me up with my song. Since you find it malicious to discourage an artist in the act of creation—

    Saint Franquet (imitating her)
    "In the act of creation."

    Bichon
    First of all, why are you here, anyway? It's almost two. If you don't go to the rehearsal, when will it be finished? Why aren't you dressed?

    Saint Franquet
    Why— Because I find nothing to wear— With your customary order.

    Bichon
    You find nothing to wear?

    Saint Franquet
    Evidently. You've arranged things so there is no servant in the house.

    Bichon
    Is that my fault? Victor asked to leave and Marie left without asking.

    Saint Franquet
    Wonderful. Why did Marie leave without asking?

    Bichon
    Because it's her day off.

    Saint Franquet
    And why did Victor ask to leave?

    Bichon
    Because it wasn't his day off.

    Saint Franquet
    That's beautiful. Charming. No wonder I can find nothing.

    Bichon
    Oh, no, no, this eternal grump. What? What? What can't you find?

    Saint Franquet
    I can't find the clothes brush.

    Bichon (shrugging her shoulders)
    You can't find the clothes brush! You can't find the clothes brush! Wonderful. It's in the kettle.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you say?

    Des Saugettes (laughing)
    It's in the kettle.

    Bichon
    Well, yes. It fell from my hands into the kettle. I didn't take it out. It's probably still there.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—no—

    Bichon
    If you had looked—

    Saint Franquet
    You expect me to look in the kettle for a clothes brush?

    Bichon
    Naturally. Since it is there.

    Saint Franquet
    I ask very little of you. To ruin my brush—

    Bichon
    You didn't want me to wet my arm to the elbow, just for a brush!

    Saint Franquet
    Disgusting!

    Bichon
    My God, you are complicated!

    Saint Franquet
    How am I going to brush with a soaked brush?

    Bichon
    Is that all? Take mine. And that's the end of that.

    Saint Franquet
    Where is yours?

    Bichon
    In my suitcase, where would you expect?

    Saint Franquet
    Would I know? Possibly in the foot bath.

    Bichon
    Oh—how witty. (to Des Saugettes) And, as for you, you'd better shut up instead of taking Gerard's side.

    Des Saugettes
    I was of his opinion.

    Bichon
    The more reason for you to agree with me.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—good—no, listen, since this makes Gerard upset—

    Bichon
    Oh, Gerard, always Gerard! I don't give a damn what upsets Gerard. He won't do this concert if I don't. I have my professional conscience. Go, go, my boy—get to work.

    Des Saugettes (with a sigh)
    Again.

    Bichon (starts her song again in a rage, grumbling, bowing to right and left as she enters)
    It's true. Always Gerard. But, does Gerard know anything? And then, I've had enough, every time I—

    (The piano is playing and she begins to sing.)

    Bichon
    En Amoure, En Alvadou Si cousi, cosa voyalminett.
    Aya bougi, leval troutrou
    Gigouli pompan, aval trompet
    Moravi Podi.
    Atali popos.
    Trin de al bou, si lim vabem
    Roga bouf tane, mureiemir dalem!
    Aha! Aha!
    (Prolonged shivers.) Ah—

    Refrain
    Moya bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot.
    Troumali, troumala.
    Aya koulami aya koulami ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki, ki!
    Mayabot, bot, bot, bot, bot, bot, troumali, troumala.

    (Saint Franquet enters, dressed in a jacket, singing with her.)

    Both
    Kakali, kabala. Zig, zig, zig, zig, zig!

    Bichon
    Idiot!

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, I know your song.

    Bichon (letting her skirt fall)
    Oh—then, you know it. Well? What do you want now/

    Saint Franquet
    The brush.

    Bichon
    The brush?

    Saint Franquet
    It wasn't in your suitcase.

    Bichon
    Impossible!

    Saint Franquet
    Why impossible?

    Bichon
    Because I put it there myself.

    Des Saugettes
    Listen, shall I go look?

    Bichon
    Yes, go, my friend—go—because of him.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—if you think you're more thorough than I am.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, I don't say that.

    Bichon
    Go anyway! Go.

    Des Saugettes
    Okay (he leaves)

    Bichon
    No, you know, you are incapable of living with an artist.

    Saint Franquet (shrugging his shoulders)
    Oh—an artist.

    Bichon
    Yes, an artist. You don't take me seriously. You correct everything I say! In any case, I'm as much an artist as you. If you find something petty, you do it.

    Saint Franquet
    Painting has nothing to do with being petty.

    Bichon
    Before, it wasn't so bad. You painted like everything else. Now, it's little squares on top of each other.

    Saint Franquet
    Naturally. I am a parallelpipysdiste.

    Bichon
    That's not painting.

    Saint Franquet
    It's a school.

    Bichon
    Well—so much the better. In any case, you paint as you like, and I don't criticize you. Well—do the same when I practice my art.

    Saint Franquet
    I preferred when you were a good girl, without pretensions, with your hair brown—which you have now bleached.

    Bichon
    Only blondes succeed in musicals.

    Saint Franquet
    When you called yourself "Bichon," not Blanche de Jouy. (contemptuously) Blanche de Jouy! What's this?

    Bichon
    What?

    Saint Franquet (pulling the brush from the armchair)
    Your brush.

    Bichon
    You found it?

    Saint Franquet
    Under the cushion!

    Bichon
    Well—you see—you have to look.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—right.

    Bichon
    I told you I put it somewhere.

    Saint Franquet (brushing his jacket)
    Oh, yes. That's right. Ah, you're well organized.

    Des Saugettes (returning)
    Well, you know, I looked in the suitcase very carefully, and I could not find the brush.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, you might have looked there a long time.

    Des Saugettes
    You found it?

    Saint Franquet
    Naturally. In the armchair.

    Des Saugettes (laughing)
    In the armchair. Oh!

    Bichon
    Indeed, in the armchair. (to Saint Franquet) Now—what do you need now?

    Saint Franquet (looking on the table)
    My ticket to the rehearsal. Where did you put it? It was on the table.

    Bichon (bored and resigned)
    In the bathroom—on the mantle-piece.

    Saint Franquet
    Wasn't there, I looked.

    Bichon
    It must have fallen. I put it there myself.

    Saint Franquet
    Go look.

    Bichon
    Oh—not even capable of— (shoving Des Saugettes) Oh—let me be. (she leaves)

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—this mess.

    Des Saugettes
    My poor friend, Women, eh?

    Saint Franquet
    Wonderful times, in the name of God.

    Bichon (returning)
    Well, I knew very well it was there.

    Saint Franquet
    You found the ticket?

    Bichon
    Naturally.

    Saint Franquet
    On the chimney?

    Bichon
    No—in it.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—yes—I should have known.

    Bichon
    Yes-here!

    Saint Franquet
    What's this? Well, what is this?

    Bichon
    It's the ticket—I'm sorry, it's slightly damaged.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—so I see.

    Bichon (defensively)
    It fell in the fireplace. It's still good.

    Saint Franquet
    You don't expect me to present this rubbish to the ticket office, do you?

    Bichon
    Why not? You don't have to explain to them what happened.

    Saint Franquet
    And, if they ask?

    Bichon
    Well, then, tell them I did it! Don't make such a big scene about everything! Here's your hat.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, put it there. I'll take it when I'm ready.

    (Angrily, Bichon goes to put it on a chair and knocks over a painting on an easel by accident as she returns.)

    Bichon
    Oh—shit—oh!

    Saint Franquet
    What? What this time?

    Bichon
    It's your nasty picture. You left it there, like that—it's not dry— and naturally, when someone goes by—

    (The picture is ruined.)

    Saint Franquet (running to the picture)
    My God! What have you done?

    Bichon
    Well, I had my hands full, and I didn't see it.

    Saint Franquet
    You have ruined my painting. Oh—this is nice. Name of God. This is agreeable.

    Bichon
    My new corsage!

    Saint Franquet
    But, I don't care about your corsage. It can croak, your corsage. My picture!

    Bichon
    I don't care about your picture! It can croak!

    Saint Franquet
    A painting which I just finished. Which I only had to sell.

    Bichon
    As for this mania of painting in oils—a substance which dries.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you expect me to paint in—vinegar?

    Bichon
    Oh, no! This is what it's like to have a painter for a lover.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, leave him—your painter—leave him. He won't keep you.

    Des Saugettes
    Children, children.

    Saint Franquet
    You—keep out of this!

    Des Saugettes
    Yes.

    Bichon (throwing her corsage)
    And go find me my—

    Des Saugettes
    Yes, I'll go look for it. (he leaves)

    Bichon
    If you think that I'll cling to you!

    Saint Franquet
    Well, then!

    Bichon
    Thank God, I wouldn't be tied down. And, I know more than one.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, take them—your more than one—take them.

    Bichon
    You don't have to say that to me twice.

    Des Saugettes (returning)
    Here it is.

    Bichon
    Thanks. (to Saint Franquet) You don't have to say it twice to me.

    Saint Franquet
    Fine

    Des Saugettes
    What's wrong?

    Bichon (choked up)
    I am going, Des Saugettes, I am going!

    Des Saugettes
    Children—please.

    Bichon
    No, no— Why continue a situation in which there is no love on either side?

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, there is, there is.

    Bichon
    There is not. Why waste words? He doesn't love me, I don't love him.

    Des Saugettes
    You do, you do.

    Bichon
    For a long time Gerard has spoken in eloquent silences— (shrugging her shoulders, then to Saint Franquet) Say it's not so!

    Des Saugettes
    It isn't. It isn't.

    Bichon
    I'm not asking you! One isn't in the habit of calling on you in such moments.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, I beg you, tell him the details!

    Bichon
    Oh—no need. He can see us. He must stare! He ought to know that if we are together, it's not precisely from a great love. As for me, I was turned on because that little American girl went crazy about you.

    Saint Franquet
    Poor thing—

    Bichon
    You—from anger because your married woman sent you packing because she preferred to sleep with Des Saugettes.

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Des Saugettes
    Huh? Excuse me! Oh.

    Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
    First of all—you lie! Never did Des Saugettes do what you said with her.

    Des Saugettes (between them)
    Absolutely never!

    Bichon
    Yes! (pushing Des Saugettes aside) Then, why did you wound him in a duel?

    Saint Franquet (pushing Des Saugettes out of the way)
    Because I didn't know it.

    Bichon (again pushing Des Saugettes)
    Oh—to enter into relations.

    Des Saugettes
    In any case—never, absolutely never!

    Bichon
    Yes, you did, yes, you did!

    Saint Franquet (to Des Saugettes)
    You don't need to defend yourself, I know the person in question. She's an honest woman.

    Bichon (ironically)
    Oh—yes.

    Des Saugettes
    But, absolutely!

    Saint Franquet
    And then, she's a woman of taste.

    Des Saugettes
    Absolutely. (then, correcting himself, offended) Oh, you say that, you—

    Saint Franquet (continuing)
    Who doesn't give herself to the first imbecile who comes along.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—what are you saying?

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—shut up! How could you attract an honest woman, the way you behave?

    Des Saugettes
    If the discussion is going to take this turn, I'd better go.

    Saint Franquet
    Well—go. Who asked you to stay?

    Des Saugettes
    When you've finished, you can call me.

    Saint Franquet
    And, besides, you have a bad character—

    Des Saugettes (going)
    You're right, yes, I am very stupid. Ah—I'm very stupid. (he leaves)

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—there, yes—have you seen—?

    Bichon
    Oh, it was a long while ago that I told you, when a friend insinuates himself into a household.

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—yes— Oh—but!

    (Long silence.)

    Bichon (taking a step toward him)
    Gerard.

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Bichon
    Give me your hand.

    Saint Franquet
    What's the use?

    Bichon
    Yes. We are saying useless hurtful things to each other. It's stupid! Go on! Give me your hand.

    Saint Franquet
    No.

    Bichon
    And let's separate!

    Saint Franquet (giving her his hand with emotion)
    Ah! Yes!

    Bichon
    Let's separate— But stylishly—like good friends! Like two beings who loved each other well, who esteem each other, but who cannot stand each other.

    Saint Franquet
    You're right. That's the best way.

    Bichon (leaning against him)
    And, besides, you know, I have no scruples. I have someone.

    Saint Franquet (bowled over)
    What?

    Bichon
    Yes, seat 49.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you mean, seat 49?

    Bichon
    A frequenter of my club. He didn't waste a minute. He sent me flowers and burning letters.

    Saint Franquet
    On, my compliments. You've carefully kept this from me.

    Bichon
    A lover is like a husband; there are certain things you don't tell him.

    Saint Franquet
    Betray his confidence.

    Bichon
    Oh! But I've never betrayed yours. I'm sentimental. Why, the other day, chair 49 sent me this earring with a note that if I wanted the mate, he would bring it to me.

    Saint Franquet
    The impudent!

    Bichon
    Possibly. But, you must admit, it was tempting. Well, I didn't want him to. I sent word. There was no reply. As for the solitaire—

    Saint Franquet
    You sent it back.

    Bichon (with dignity)
    No. But I keep it in my purse. See what I did for you!

    Saint Franquet
    You're too good!

    Bichon
    That's the way I am.

    Saint Franquet
    Well—no more sacrifices for you. Go find chair 49. Go! Go!

    Bichon
    Oh—it's not difficult. One phone call and he'll be here.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, do it then. Don't put yourself out for me.

    Bichon
    No? Well, this won't take long. (she takes the receiver off the hook)

    Saint Franquet
    You're going to call him from here?

    Bichon
    I don't need to tell him where I am. Shut up. I'm listening. Is this chair 49? (simpering) It's Mlle de Jouy speaking.

    Saint Franquet
    What the hell.

    Bichon
    Yes. Don't trouble yourself. Come, right away. I'll be waiting at 27, Faubourg St. Honore. (pause) You're coming—good! (she hangs up)

    Saint Franquet
    Ah, this is outrageous. You are mad. You're bringing him to my house!

    Bichon
    But he doesn't know it's your house.

    Saint Franquet
    That's all the same to me. You don't give a damn! I refuse to play a ridiculous role.

    Bichon
    Anyway, you can leave before he gets here.

    Saint Franquet
    It's agreed, we'll separate. But my replacement isn't going to make his scene on my furniture— Oh, no! (he grabs the receiver)

    Bichon
    What are you going to do?

    Saint Franquet (waving paper)
    Is this the number? (he dials)

    Bichon (running to him)
    Gerard! Gerard! Come on.

    Saint Franquet
    Let me alone!

    Bichon
    What you are doing is ridiculous, Gerard.

    Saint Franquet
    That's all right with me. Hello. (to Bichon) It's his wife?

    Bichon
    Gerard, will you stop?

    Saint Franquet
    Leave me alone! (into phone) No, I don't want to speak to you. Oh—you are his wife? Well, tell your husband he's a rake.

    Bichon (scandalized)
    Oh!

    Saint Franquet
    And, that the lover of Mlle de Jouy says to kiss his ass. (pause) What am I talking about? I'll tell you. Your husband is trying to make it with Mlle de Jouy. (pause) How do I know? She told me! Yes, and he's on his way here now.

    Bichon
    Oh, really, you've gone mad, haven't you?

    Saint Franquet
    My respects, ma'm. (pause) Where am I? At 27, Faubourg St. Honore. (pause) Oh—yes, ma'm, we'll be waiting.

    (Bichon tears the telephone from his hands.)

    Bichon
    You leave things alone!

    Saint Franquet (furious, walking around her)
    Ah, then, you, you are going to give me the pleasure of leaving, and then I won't have to put up with you anymore.

    Bichon
    You lift your hand to me? (calling) Des Saugettes! Des Saugettes. Help.

    Saint Franquet
    Have you finished screaming?

    Des Saugettes (running in)
    What's wrong?

    Bichon
    It's Gerard. Gerard's beating me.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh!

    Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
    I beat you? I beat you? No, little trouble-maker. (giving her little taps on the fat of her arm) Do I look like a wife beater? Do I? Speak— Is that the way I act?

    Bichon
    Oh—calm down, calm down!

    Des Saugettes
    Come on, come on!

    Saint Franquet
    Can you imagine? Madame allows herself to telephone from here, to I don't know who—to chair 49, and gives him a rendezvous here, to accord him her favors. (tapping her) I beat you! I beat you?

    Bichon (crying)
    Des Saugettes! Des Saugettes!

    Des Saugettes
    Look—come on, that's enough!

    Saint Franquet
    Leave me alone, you! (someone rings the doorbell) And now, go answer that, since Madame has given the servants leave.

    Des Saugettes (hesitating)
    Yes—but don't beat her anymore.

    Saint Franquet
    I'm saving myself for chair 49. I'm going to give it to your chair 49.

    Bichon
    You will pay me for this, you know, you will pay me.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes. Fine. That's understood.

    Bichon (folding her arms)
    Go! Swine.

    (Des Saugettes enters, with an enormous vase of flowers.)

    Saint Franquet (to Des Saugettes)
    What? What is this?

    Des Saugettes
    It's flowers.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—from chair 49. Wait a bit, while I throw them out the window.

    Des Saugettes
    But, they're for you.

    Saint Franquet
    For me?

    Bichon (bitterly)
    There! Look at that! That's too much!

    Saint Franquet
    What can it mean—for me? Who sent them?

    Des Saugettes
    I don't know. They wouldn't say. But, it was for you.

    Saint Franquet
    No cards?

    Des Saugettes
    No cards.

    Saint Franquet (pointing to console)
    Put them there.

    Des Saugettes
    They are pretty flowers.

    Bichon
    Now that they are for you, you are not going to throw them out the window, right? Say something!

    Des Saugettes
    Come on, come on. (to Saint Franquet) If you are going to the rehearsal—

    Saint Franquet
    I am not going!

    Bichon
    Ah!

    Saint Franquet
    I am staying here. I'm waiting for him—chair 49.

    Des Saugettes
    Chair 49?

    Saint Franquet
    To kick his ass.

    Bichon (with a smile of pity)
    Imbecile!

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—go on, talk—you.

    Bichon
    Then, you think, really—he's going to come?

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Bichon
    You think I'm naïve enough to telephone him in front of you. What, am I stupid?

    Saint Franquet
    Come on, come on. Tell someone else!

    Bichon
    If you had looked closely! I had my hand on the receiver, and I wasn't talking to anyone. To give you a lesson and enrage you.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—you pretend to me now?

    Bichon
    The proof is, when you dialed the same number, you got a woman. A poor creature you completely upset with your stupid maneuver.

    Saint Franquet
    You're right. I'll call back—

    Bichon (excited)
    Ah—no!

    Saint Franquet
    You see—you're pulling my leg.

    Bichon
    Fine! Fine! I make up stories and tell you!

    Saint Franquet
    If you think you are going to make me believe—

    Bichon
    Fine—stay—you will see.

    Saint Franquet
    Women are capable of such cynicism!

    Bichon
    That's fine. Stay, I tell you. You will get it.

    Saint Franquet
    I'll stay if I want to! I suppose I have to miss my rehearsal to please you!

    Bichon
    Well, go.

    Saint Franquet (gesticulating wildly while Bichon tries to get by him)
    Well, I'm going! If you believe I swallowed your little story with the telephone. Oh, you thought to fool me, but I fooled you.

    Bichon
    Oh, fine.

    Saint Franquet
    You're not going to trick me. As for you, Des Saugettes, you have nothing to do, so stop by the florist, and find out who sent me those flowers.

    Des Saugettes
    Understood.

    Bichon (to Saint Franquet)
    Oh—that intrigue.

    Saint Franquet
    No, Madame, no. But I'd like to know. I don't want anyone to take me for a coquette. Goodbye! (he leaves, slamming the door)

    Des Saugettes
    These flowers are so pretty.

    Bichon
    There, he's gone. Well, now, my little Des Saugettes, you are going to please me by clearing out.

    Des Saugettes
    What?

    Bichon
    I'm waiting for someone, I don't need you.

    Des Saugettes
    You are waiting for someone?

    Bichon
    Yes.

    Des Saugettes
    Who? Who?

    Bichon
    I told you, someone—someone you don't know who's waiting for me, and not for you.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, my God. Chair 49.

    Bichon
    How clever you are!

    Des Saugettes (indignant)
    Oh, oh! Bichon! It's not possible. You just said yourself it wasn't true. You only pretended to telephone.

    Bichon
    Poo!

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, why, why did you tell Gerard—?

    Bichon
    Why, so he'd go.

    Des Saugettes
    Bichon—I don't believe it, you wouldn't do that in front of him.

    Bichon
    I do everything in front of people. I don't like mysteries. And then, the nice part is, they don't believe it.

    Des Saugettes
    You are cynical.

    (The doorbell rings.)

    Bichon
    Well, here he is.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, no. I prefer to go.

    Bichon
    Notice, that's all I ask of you. I'll go open the door and you leave that way. Agreed?

    Des Saugettes
    Oh no, no—! And, this in front of me—to make me an accomplice. Oh!

    (Des Saugettes goes out by the left. Prolonged ringing.)

    Bichon
    Come in, monsieur, come in.

    Plantaredi (all dolled up)
    Oh, I am so happy. My little Jouy, my little Jouy.

    Bichon
    Come, come, sir, I beg you—

    Plantaredi
    Oh, when I think this is the little woman that I applaud twice a week—and now, we are together—you and I.

    Bichon
    Yes.

    Plantaredi
    But, no boasting, my hand touches yours. Oh, when you telephoned me just now, I was so happy—my wife came. I got rid of her.

    Bichon
    Oh, you are married?

    Plantaredi
    I am married, yes—but, let's not bother ourselves about that. Oh—I rushed over here. I jumped in a cab. And, here I am. My little Jouy— my little Jouy.

    Voice of Des Saugettes Oh, it's disgusting, what you've done, sir. My friend's girlfriend.

    Plantaredi (stunned)
    What was that?

    Bichon
    Nothing! Nothing!

    Voice of Des Saugettes
    Go away, sir, go away!

    Plantaredi
    But, who is talking like that?

    Bichon
    It's— It's someone I was rehearsing with. He's repeating his lines. Wait. (opening the door at the left) Leave, my friend, leave! I told you I have no more need of you.

    Voice of Des Saugettes
    It's disgusting.

    Bichon (kicking Des Saugettes)
    Go! (Des Saugettes escapes) He's gone.

    Plantaredi
    It wasn't Dramen? It seems to me I recognized his voice.

    Bichon
    No, no—it was not Dramen.

    Plantaredi
    In any case, he's a good actor. Such conviction!

    Bichon
    Yes, he's a boy who will go far.

    (At this moment, Des Saugettes' head appears over the short curtain, trying to see what is going on. Bichon sees him, and makes a threatening face. He disappears, and we hear the door close violently.)

    Plantaredi
    Ah—there, he's just gone.

    Bichon
    Yes.

    Plantaredi (amorous)
    We are finally alone!

    Bichon
    Yes, yes.

    Plantaredi
    Ah—how happy I am.

    Bichon (looking him over seriously)
    It's curious. Your face is familiar. Surely, I've seen you in the papers.

    Plantaredi
    Oh—not likely.

    Bichon
    Why?

    Plantaredi
    Because they never take my picture.

    Bichon
    Huh! That's funny. They put everybody in the papers these day. Still, I've got your face in mind. You must be famous.

    Plantaredi
    I wish. But, no.

    Bichon
    Then, your only name is chair 49?

    Plantaredi
    Oh, no.

    Bichon
    Well?

    Plantaredi (after hesitating)
    Antoine.

    Bichon
    That's nice. Then what?

    Plantaredi
    Isn't that enough for you today?

    Bichon
    Oh no, no, I love to know who I am talking to. Come on, your name?

    Plantaredi (after a new hesitation)
    Mr Voltaire.

    Bichon
    Bah! Clearly you are someone well known.

    Plantaredi
    It's funny, for me too. I have the feeling this isn't the first time I've seen you.

    Bichon
    Oh—well, in any case, we've never been together before! Because I have a memory for such things.

    Plantaredi
    No, no. I don't pretend that! Wait! You don't have a sister who you resemble, and who is—not in the theatre?

    Bichon
    Not in the theatre? It might have been me, before I went on stage.

    Plantaredi
    You resemble a little woman called Bichon.

    Bichon
    Bichon? But, I am Bichon!

    Plantaredi
    Bichon! You are Bichon. That's why you look like her. Do you remember—Chatel-Saucy?

    Bichon (non-plussed)
    No—the gentleman whose wife—?

    Plantaredi
    Whose wife?

    Bichon
    Nothing! Oh, this is funny. And, you've made up—you know, you look like someone.

    Plantaredi
    My wife insists I wear my hair this way.

    Bichon
    You look like Gerard de Saint Franquet.

    Plantaredi
    You know him?

    Bichon
    He's my lover.

    Plantaredi (rising)
    What?

    Bichon
    This is his flat—studio.

    Plantaredi
    How do I get out of here?

    Bichon
    Don't move. He's at the rehearsal of the Comedie Francaise. You have plenty of time.

    Plantaredi
    But, that rehearsal— It's tomorrow.

    Bichon
    What? Are you sure?

    Plantaredi
    Absolutely. I am going. Faroudy is playing in Nantes. The rehearsal was delayed.

    Bichon
    Oh, for God's sake! Then Gerard—?

    Plantaredi
    Oh, indeed, Gerard.

    (At this moment, one hears the vestibule door shut.)

    Bichon
    Shit. It's him.

    Plantaredi
    Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

    Bichon (opening the door to the room on the left)
    Quick, this way! At the back door, turn right, and the door to the right.

    Plantaredi
    Yes, yes, the door to the right. (he exits left)

    Bichon (slightly troubled, to Saint Franquet)
    What? It's you.

    Saint Franquet (entering, crossly)
    It's tomorrow.

    (Saint Franquet takes his palettes and easels and starts rearranging them. This hides him from view. At this instant Plantaredi falls like a bomb into the studio.)

    Bichon
    Oh! (forgetting) Not that way! Not that way!

    Plantaredi
    Door to the right! Door to the right!

    Bichon
    No—to the left. To the left!

    Saint Franquet (sorting his paints)
    To the right? To the left? What?

    Plantaredi and Bichon Oh!

    Saint Franquet (seeing Plantaredi, who tries to hide his face with his hat)
    What do you want, sir?

    Plantaredi
    Here—I—I— You don't have a painting to sell?

    Saint Franquet
    Huh! But, it's Plantaredi.

    Plantaredi (instinctively denying it)
    No.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you mean, no?

    Plantaredi
    Yes!

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, no, it's not possible. Plantaredi here! It's Plantaredi. Oh, my dear friend! (giving him his hand) How are you doing?

    Plantaredi
    Not bad, thanks.

    Bichon (to herself)
    This is working out better than I thought.

    Saint Franquet
    It's really nice to see you again. It was too stupid, our quarrel. And, how's the wife?

    Plantaredi
    My—my wife? Yes, yes, she's fine.

    Saint Franquet
    I can't believe my eyes. Plantaredi—Bichon, this is Plantaredi. Plantaredi, of whom I have spoken so often. I have never introduced you— My good friend, Plantaredi, my dear friend, Mlle de Jouy.

    (Plantaredi and Bichon bow, as if they had never met before. Then it dawns on Saint Franquet and he looks at both.)

    Saint Franquet
    I am a fool. Oh.

    Bichon
    What?

    Saint Franquet
    Chair 49.

    Bichon
    Ridiculous.

    Plantaredi
    What?

    Saint Franquet (between his teeth)
    Oh! You are chair 49.

    Bichon (quickly to Plantaredi)
    Your ass! Watch your ass!

    Plantaredi (instinctively putting his hat over his behind)
    Huh?

    Bichon
    Watch out! He said he would beat it.

    Plantaredi
    Huh?

    Saint Franquet (calming down)
    No—no— Don't be afraid. I said that when the ass was anonymous. But, now that I know to whom the ass has the honor to belong—it is sacred to me. The ass of an old friend like you.

    Plantaredi (breathing again)
    Oh! Fine.

    Saint Franquet
    But, I am happy at the coincidence that gives me the pleasure of meeting you again.

    Plantaredi
    A pleasure shared—indeed.

    Saint Franquet (shaking hands)
    Dear Plantaredi.

    Plantaredi
    Dear Saint Franquet.

    Bichon (dazed)
    I'm the one who is in shock.

    Saint Franquet
    So, you came here, my good Plantaredi, with the intention of cuckolding me?

    Plantaredi
    Yes! (withdrawing) No!

    Saint Franquet
    Don't defend yourself. It's all part of life. Today you, tomorrow me— Because there will always be men and women.

    Plantaredi
    Yes, but all the same, I had no idea you—didn't know you had a lover.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, I don't.

    Bichon
    No!

    Saint Franquet
    You can give her the other earring.

    Bichon
    I told him everything.

    Saint Franquet
    You've fallen in luck. The place is empty. I give her to you. Happy to do it.

    Plantaredi
    To me?

    Bichon (vexed)
    How dare you! "Happy to do it."

    (Saint Franquet pushes Bichon toward Plantaredi.)

    Bichon (pushing away)
    I know how to give myself without any help from you.

    Saint Franquet
    Don't I know.

    Bichon
    To listen to you, one would think you were throwing me out.

    Saint Franquet
    No—not at all.

    Bichon
    I beg to tell you, sir, I am not a woman you can throw out. I do the throwing.

    Saint Franquet (conciliating)
    Right! Right!

    Bichon (half enraged, half laughing)
    You are irritating me; stop!

    Plantaredi
    No, Saint Franquet, you're joking.

    Saint Franquet
    Not at all. I'm serious.

    Plantaredi
    Gerard!

    Saint Franquet
    You're dying for her.

    Plantaredi
    No, no.

    Bichon
    Oh, indeed. Keep talking, sweetheart.

    Plantaredi
    That's not what I mean. What I mean is— (he stops)

    Saint Franquet
    You've got to say something.

    Plantaredi
    You are putting me in a situation. Are you sincere?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes.

    Plantaredi
    Well, then. So be it!

    Bichon
    Oh—no!

    Plantaredi
    I am so—touched. Bichon.

    Bichon (taking him in her arms)
    Poor thing.

    Saint Franquet
    Let anyone say I am jealous! (doorbell rings) Someone's ringing. Don't disturb yourselves. I'll get it. (he leaves)

    Plantaredi
    Then—we're together.

    Bichon
    It looks that way.

    Plantaredi
    I am very happy.

    Bichon
    Do you have the second earring?

    Plantaredi
    Yes.

    Bichon
    You want to give it to me, huh?

    Plantaredi
    You bet!

    Saint Franquet (coming back)
    Children.

    Bichon
    Eh!

    Saint Franquet
    I've got to get you out of here. Someone's coming.

    Bichon
    Who?

    Saint Franquet
    My sister.

    Bichon
    You don't have one.

    Saint Franquet
    That doesn't matter.

    Bichon
    Okay. We'll go in here.

    (They go into a bedroom. After a moment, Dotty and Tommy come in.)

    Saint Franquet
    Mlle Dotty— Come in. Come in, please.

    Dotty (followed by Tommy)
    You are surprised! I took the chance. But, you recognized me—which was sweet.

    Saint Franquet
    Miss, when one has once had the pleasure—

    Dotty
    I've always thought of you. Haven't I, Tommy?

    Tommy (bitterly)
    Yes!

    Dotty
    This is my fiancé.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I know.

    Dotty
    You recognize him? Good! (going to bedroom door) What's this?

    Saint Franquet
    No, Miss Dotty. That's my bedroom.

    Dotty
    Well—may I?

    Saint Franquet
    No, no— Don't go there, Miss. The room isn't made.

    Dotty (going to the right)
    And what's this?

    Saint Franquet
    Toilette.

    Dotty
    Is it made up?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes.

    Dotty
    Right. Tommy

    Tommy
    Dotty.

    Dotty
    Go in there.

    Tommy
    Why?

    Dotty
    Because I say so.

    Tommy
    Oh.

    Dotty
    I have no need of you. Go, go— (pushes him out)

    Tommy
    All right, Dotty. (he leaves, piteously)

    Dotty
    Terrible, that man. He always asks why. Why? Because I say so! (changing tone) And now—for you— Did you receive my flowers?

    Saint Franquet
    What? That was you?

    Dotty
    It was.

    Saint Franquet
    Why?

    Dotty
    Mr Gerard. Do you want to marry me?

    (Saint Franquet is stunned. He doesn't make any reply.)

    Dotty
    You don't want to? Don't I please you?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, you please me.

    Dotty
    Oh—thanks.

    Saint Franquet
    I'm very flattered. I would even say very touched. But—I'd have to think about it.

    Dotty
    Oh—I understand. Take all the time you want. (as if she was giving him forever) I give you five minutes.

    (Dotty goes towards his pictures with an air of giving him time to think things over.)

    Saint Franquet
    But, you don't know me.

    Dotty
    We'll get to know each other. Is that your only objection?

    Saint Franquet
    You are very rich.

    Dotty
    Is that an objection?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes.

    (There is a knocking on the toilette door.)

    Tommy
    You haven't forgotten me?

    Dotty
    No, wait, wait! Go away!

    Tommy
    Sorry!

    (Tommy goes off.)

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—I'm will marry you.

    Dotty
    Then, everything is arranged!

    Bichon (appearing at the door)
    Hey, Gerard. Oh—excuse me! I forgot!

    Dotty (not at all disconcerted)
    Mademoiselle!

    Bichon
    Bonjour, Miss. Don't be disturbed. Don't be disturbed. (to Plantaredi who cannot be seen) It's his sister!

    Dotty (to Saint Franquet)
    That's Miss Bichon, right?

    Saint Franquet
    Huh? Err—yes!

    Dotty
    Your mistress?

    Saint Franquet
    My—Mis—? No—no.

    Dotty
    Oh, you can say it. Very nice. Very chic.

    Saint Franquet (flattered)
    You think so?

    Dotty
    Yes. I congratulate you. When we are married you must kick her out.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh! Oh!

    Dotty
    Yes—I prefer that.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes. I'll write to her.

    Dotty
    No hurry. This evening.

    Saint Franquet
    This evening. Yes.

    Dotty (rising)
    Goodbye.

    Saint Franquet
    Where are you going?

    Dotty
    Oh—we've said everything. I have errands to run. Do you love me?

    Saint Franquet
    Do—I love you!

    Dotty
    Well! I'm happy. Kiss me!

    Saint Franquet
    My dear fiancée. (they kiss)

    Dotty
    Oh—where is it?

    Saint Franquet
    You forgot something?

    Dotty
    Yes, my fiancé. Where did I put him?

    Saint Franquet (pointing)
    There.

    Dotty (opening the door)
    Come along, Tommy! It's over.

    Tommy (coming back)
    Not soon enough.

    Dotty (to Saint Franquet)
    If you need me, I'll be at the hotel Majestic. Goodbye, my love. (she pulls Tommy out)

    Saint Franquet (going back)
    Now, let's deliver the others. (opens door) Oh!

    Bichon's Voice What?

    Saint Franquet
    I didn't let you stay in my bedroom to do that!

    Plantaredi's Voice But, since we were together.

    Saint Franquet
    Never mind.

    Bichon (returning, adjusting her dress)
    You've got to learn to knock before entering.

    Saint Franquet
    Enough of that!

    Bichon
    The things that concern you—with your sister.

    Saint Franquet
    It wasn't my sister.

    Bichon (ironically)
    Do you swear it?

    Saint Franquet
    It was my fiancée!

    Bichon and Plantaredi Huh?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, gang, that's how I am. They kick me out. I get married.

    Bichon (nervous)
    Well, I don't care. What do you want me to do?

    Saint Franquet
    I know you don't care. Which doesn't prevent me from marrying Miss Dotty Summerson.

    Plantaredi
    The little American from Chatel-Saucy— My compliments. You won't be sorry. She is charming.

    Bichon (furious)
    Who asked your advice?

    Plantaredi
    Huh? No—I said—

    Bichon
    Yes. Well, if you hurry you can still find her. You can go with her.

    Saint Franquet
    No.

    Bichon
    If you're trying to upset me with your marriage! But, I don't give a damn, you know, I don't give a damn.

    Saint Franquet
    That's exactly what I'm hoping.

    Bichon
    Still, if you just had a little heart. (tearfully) It's not right, that the very moment I leave you, you go with another—

    Saint Franquet
    Come on, come on— Don't get excited.

    Bichon
    Zut! (pulling Plantaredi) Come on, you.

    (Doorbell rings.)

    Saint Franquet
    Hush! Wait!

    Bichon
    Who cares?

    Saint Franquet
    No, no. Someone else may be coming to ask for my hand in marriage. Don't budge.

    (Saint Franquet goes out.)

    Plantaredi
    He is funny.

    Bichon
    You think you're going somewhere with me? Oh, no. One's enough.

    Plantaredi
    But, what have I done?

    Bichon
    I don't like tyrants.

    (Saint Franquet returns.)

    Saint Franquet
    Hide one more time.

    Bichon
    What's going on today?

    (Bichon and Plantaredi go into the bedroom. Saint Franquet goes out and returns with Micheline who is carrying a night bag.)

    Micheline
    Thank God, I found you.

    Saint Franquet
    I beg you stay in here for a moment. (puts her in bathroom) I have to get everybody out of here. I don't want anyone to see you.

    Micheline
    Be quick about it!

    (She goes in. Saint Franquet locks the door, then opens the bedroom door.)

    Saint Franquet
    You can come out.

    Bichon
    Well—finally.

    Plantaredi
    A woman, huh?

    Bichon (to Plantaredi)
    If you like, I'll go bring her to you.

    Saint Franquet (to Plantaredi)
    What do you care?

    Plantaredi (slyly)
    If Bichon doesn't return tonight you won't worry.

    Saint Franquet
    I'd worry if she did.

    Bichon
    Dirty bastard. Till tomorrow— For my things.

    Saint Franquet
    That's fine. Go, children.

    (Plantaredi and Bichon leave.)

    Saint Franquet (opening the door for Micheline)
    You! You! In my apartment— But, what brought you?

    Micheline (bluntly)
    Six months ago, you said if you ever decide to cheat on your husband let it be with me.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I remember.

    Micheline
    Well, my friend, the hour has struck. I've decided to cheat on my husband. And here I am.

    Saint Franquet (bowled over)
    Is it possible?

    Micheline
    You are happy, thanks.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I am happy. I am very happy.

    Micheline
    Fine, I haven't waited less than you. Tomorrow, you will send your servant to bring my things.

    Saint Franquet
    Your things?

    Micheline
    For tonight, I only brought an overnight bag. (she opens it up) Let's see. My nightgown, my slippers—toothbrush—etc. Anything else I think I can find here.

    Saint Franquet
    But, your things. Why your things?

    Micheline
    My husband is deceiving me. I can prove it. So, here I am. Take me! I am yours.

    Saint Franquet
    Huh.

    Micheline
    I said, "Here I am. Take me, I am yours."

    (He falls into a chair.)

    Micheline
    Is that all the effect this has on you?

    Saint Franquet
    Listen, Micheline, listen. I am happy. Supremely happy— But— What proof do you have of his infidelity?

    Micheline
    Proof? I have ten. I have a hundred.

    Saint Franquet
    Ah!

    Micheline
    I got a telephone call this morning, from a man who warned my husband to stay away from his girlfriend.

    Saint Franquet (aside)
    It was you? (aloud) Then what?

    Micheline
    Well, I had a flea in my ear. I decided to find out. I went through his papers.

    Saint Franquet
    And?

    Micheline
    Letters. Lots of letters! (she pulls some out) He got this woman pregnant.

    Saint Franquet (astounded)
    The bastard! (aside) I'll kill him.

    Micheline
    It's been going on a long time. And, I'm not going to cheat on him in my turn? Oh—often. I want you to make me pregnant. (she falls into his arms)

    Saint Franquet
    I haven't the right.

    Micheline
    Why not?

    Saint Franquet
    My conscience.

    Micheline
    You, have a conscience?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I do.

    Micheline
    Very well. Let's not talk any more. Today I know what your protestations of love are worth. (disgusted) Decidedly, all men are alike!

    Saint Franquet
    Look—you told me to forget you. That you would never cheat on your husband.

    Micheline
    That's true.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, you didn't expect me to run after you all my life— Did you? I was desolated—but today— Well, I'm getting married.

    Micheline
    Oh!

    Saint Franquet
    I'm sorry.

    Micheline (repacking her bag)
    You're quite right. Get married, I will find others. After all, it's better to do it with others.

    Saint Franquet
    Others? Who?

    Micheline
    Who? You're not polite to ask.

    Saint Franquet
    Who? Who are you going to find?

    Micheline
    There are lots of men who want me. I have an embarrassment of riches in that regard. Des Saugettes, for example.

    Saint Franquet
    Des Saugettes? He doesn't love you!

    Micheline
    Doesn't he? He's crazy about me! He'll do anything for me.

    Saint Franquet (furious)
    The pig!

    Micheline
    You're not jealous, are you?

    Saint Franquet
    I am not jealous! I am not jealous! But, that doesn't prevent me from beating him up!

    Micheline
    Why?

    Saint Franquet
    Because I don't like to be ridiculous. When I think, you both plan to deceive me.— That this little Jesuit has been playing a game with em.— Ah, fine, I see him.

    Des Saugettes (entering)
    Ah, there you are— I've just been to the florist.

    Saint Franquet (furious)
    Do you want me to clean the wall with you?

    Des Saugettes (stupefied)
    But, my friend—! (seeing Madame Plantaredi) Ah, Madame Plantaredi! (he goes toward her)

    Saint Franquet (more fiercely)
    Do you want me to clean the place up with you?

    Des Saugettes
    Yes, yes. (bowing) Goodbye, Madame Plantaredi.

    Saint Franquet
    My God!

    Des Saugettes (fleeing)
    Oh, but he's moon-sick.

    (Des Saugettes flees.)

    Micheline
    What's wrong with you now?

    Saint Franquet
    Him! You!

    Micheline
    Because I'm going to go to bed with him?

    Saint Franquet
    Exactly.

    Micheline
    What do you care? You don't love me?

    Saint Franquet
    Maybe I don't love you any longer. But—at the moment—I love you. (he pulls her violently against him)

    Micheline (pushing away)
    Let me go.

    Saint Franquet
    No—don't be frightened. Why did you resist me, when you did?

    Micheline
    Because I was an honest woman. Because I didn't cheat on my husband.

    Saint Franquet
    Well, that was absurd—because you see—now you're going to do it.

    Micheline
    I wish I had known—but, (shrugging) I didn't.

    Saint Franquet
    Really? Truly? You don't know how happy that makes me.

    Micheline
    Why? I'm going to cheat on him—now—but with someone else.

    Saint Franquet
    We were made for each other.

    Micheline (matter-of-factly)
    It's too bad. But, you're saving yourself for your wife.

    Saint Franquet
    I would have loved you so much.

    Micheline
    Well—it's no use. I no longer have the right.

    Saint Franquet
    "Right"! A meaningless word when love speaks. When love commands! (pulling her to him)

    Micheline (breathlessly)
    Are you sure you don't want to cheat on your wife?

    CURTAIN

    Act III

    Saint Franquet's bedroom

    Door to studio on right. At left, door to bathroom. Windows with curtains tightly drawn. Large bed center.

    (Knocking on the right. No response.)

    Des Saugettes (entering)
    Gerard! Gerard! You still asleep?

    (Saint Franquet snores. Des Saugettes has a bouquet of violets in his hands.)

    Des Saugettes
    Snoring. Must be still asleep. When he doesn't wake up, he scolds me 'cause I let him sleep. When I wake him up, he scolds me for not letting him sleep. He is so nice!— I'll open the curtains. That way the day will waken him, not me.

    (Des Saugettes opens the curtain. No signs of life from Saint Franquet. Des Saugettes coughs.)

    Des Saugettes
    Hmm! What am I going to do? I will wait till they wake by themselves. Gerard was in a bad enough temper yesterday.

    (Micheline opens her eyes.)

    Micheline
    Oh! Who opened the curtains?

    Des Saugettes (suffocated)
    Oh—Madame Plantaredi!

    Micheline
    Oh. (she hides under the covers)

    Saint Franquet (waking)
    Huh? What? What's wrong?

    Des Saugettes
    Oh, Gerard, Gerard!

    Saint Franquet
    Des Saugettes.

    Des Saugettes
    You didn't see—there—there in your bed—beside you.

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Des Saugettes
    It's not Bichon! It's Madame Plantaredi!

    Saint Franquet (jumping)
    What do you say?

    Des Saugettes
    I assure you, it's she, I recognized her.

    Saint Franquet
    No, no, it's not true, you hear, it's not true.

    Des Saugettes
    I tell you, yes! You, you sleep! You don't know! You want to bet?

    Saint Franquet
    Even if you saw Madame Plantaredi, I repeat—it is not she!

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—I understand.

    Saint Franquet
    What do you mean you understand?

    Des Saugettes
    Nothing. Nothing.

    Saint Franquet
    Whoever saw such an idiot.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—you are still in a bad mood.

    Saint Franquet
    But you put me there! What's this business of coming in without knocking?

    Des Saugettes
    I did knock—but not too loud, for fear of waking you.

    Saint Franquet
    Did I tell you to come in?

    Des Saugettes
    No—you were asleep.

    Saint Franquet
    Then, all you had to do, was stay outside. What did you want anyway?

    Des Saugettes
    To apologize for what I did yesterday.

    Saint Franquet
    What did you do anyway?

    Des Saugettes
    I have no idea. But you were mad at me, so I suppose I must have done something.

    Saint Franquet
    No—no— It wasn't your fault— Oh, you make me mad!

    Des Saugettes
    Now what did I do?

    Saint Franquet
    Just get out, will you. I can't explain. It's not your fault, but if you hang around much longer, I'm going to kill you.

    Des Saugettes
    I'm going. (aside) He's sweet.

    (Des Saugettes leaves.)

    Saint Franquet
    He's gone.

    Micheline
    Much too soon! I thought you were going to keep him here the whole day.

    Saint Franquet
    I beg your pardon.

    Micheline
    If you think I was comfortable there— (pointing to the blankets)

    Saint Franquet
    Poor Micheline.

    Micheline (very dignified)
    Please call me "Madame."

    Saint Franquet (dazed)
    Oh!

    Micheline
    A woman has her reputation to protect.— Really, what's he going to think after this?

    Saint Franquet
    Nothing at all. What do you expect him to think?

    Micheline
    Surely, that we slept together.

    Saint Franquet
    Not at all. I told him that it wasn't you.

    Micheline
    But, he saw me.

    Saint Franquet
    Between my word and what he saw, he won't hesitate.— It's a secret that will remain between us.

    Micheline
    A secret? What secret?

    Saint Franquet
    This night we spent together.

    Micheline
    But, we didn't spend the night together.

    Saint Franquet (astounded at her audacity)
    What?

    Micheline
    In any case, it doesn't please me to have spent the night with you. There, that's clear. If you had had a little tact—!

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—I beg your pardon

    Micheline
    And, my dear sir, as you have very justly observed that we find ourselves side by side—which is quite incorrect, I ask you to get up.

    Saint Franquet
    But, I don't want to get up.

    Micheline
    Good, good. Stay in bed!

    Saint Franquet (satisfied)
    Ah.

    Micheline
    You are in your own home. I have nothing to say. (rising) I have to get up. I'll go to the couch.

    Saint Franquet (holding her)
    No—come here.

    Micheline (going to the couch)
    You're so gallant. It doesn't surprise me what you did.

    Saint Franquet
    What? What have I done?

    Micheline (on the couch)
    When I think, that, but for you. I—a model spouse, who never deceived her husband during six wonderful years of marriage.— No, no. You didn't act like an honest man.

    Saint Franquet
    That's too much! In what way? In what way?

    Micheline
    You took advantage of me!

    Saint Franquet
    How did I do that?

    Micheline
    You should have convinced me that this was not the right thing to do.

    Saint Franquet
    You threatened to go to someone else.

    Micheline
    If you loved me—you should have told me to go, rather than agree to be my avenger— And (sobbing) ruining me!

    Saint Franquet
    Speaking as a general proposition—saying that to a woman you love is rather hard to do.

    Micheline (getting back in bed)
    At least you would have had a clean conscience, whereas, now you have my sin on your soul.

    Saint Franquet
    What are you doing?

    Micheline
    What?

    Saint Franquet
    You're getting back in my bed.

    Micheline (pushing him out)
    Get out. This is not your place.

    Saint Franquet
    In my bed?

    Micheline
    In any bed where I am. I am not going to catch cold for you.

    Saint Franquet
    Good— Good.

    (He goes to sit on the chaise lounge.)

    Micheline
    Oh—you're a nice one— What am I going to do here?

    Saint Franquet
    That I am asking myself! Because I submitted to your will, you accuse me of a crime.

    Micheline
    Go ahead. Throw the first stone.

    Saint Franquet
    Ah, if I had known.

    Micheline
    Oh, get married, sir, get married. I don't prevent you.

    Saint Franquet
    Nice to say, after I sent a letter breaking off the engagement.

    Micheline
    When did you do that?

    Saint Franquet
    Last night, after we—in a gesture of heroic stupidity.

    Micheline
    I didn't ask you to do that. Don't pretend you mailed it—

    Saint Franquet
    No—but, I left it for my servant to do this morning.

    Micheline (rising)
    Well, ring for him. He can't have done it yet.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes— I'll do that.

    Micheline
    At least, you don't try to hide your eagerness to do so from me.

    Saint Franquet
    Damn it all—

    Micheline
    And, this is the man who said he wanted to marry me.

    (She goes out left.)

    Saint Franquet (rings bell)
    Victor, come here.

    Des Saugettes (enters)
    Did you ring?

    Saint Franquet
    You again? Where's Victor?

    Des Saugettes
    He left, and asked me to stay till he got back.

    Saint Franquet
    Did he take the letter?

    Des Saugettes
    Yes, yes, take it easy. That's why he left.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh, God! Can you stop him?

    Des Saugettes
    Why?

    Saint Franquet
    Because, like a fool, I broke off my marriage.

    Des Saugettes
    What marriage? You are getting married?

    Saint Franquet
    Yes.

    Des Saugettes
    The, what is going to become of me?

    Saint Franquet
    Shut up! Who cares! Take a cab and find Victor.

    Des Saugettes (ready for action)
    Yes.

    Saint Franquet
    Run—

    Des Saugettes
    All right. (starts to rush out)

    Saint Franquet
    Stop!

    Des Saugettes (screeches to a halt)
    Why?

    Saint Franquet
    You'll never catch Victor. Go to the Majestic—to Miss Dotty Summerson—

    Des Saugettes
    Dotty Summerson—Hotel Majestic.

    Saint Franquet
    Get going.

    (Micheline comes in and collides with Des Saugettes, then runs out.)

    Des Saugettes
    I didn't see her. I didn't see her.

    Saint Franquet
    Are you going?

    Des Saugettes
    Yes— (turns back) Hotel?

    Saint Franquet
    Majestic—

    (Des Saugettes disappears.)

    Saint Franquet
    This seems like a— (opens for Micheline) You were coming to say something to me?

    Micheline
    It's not true! This seems like a—

    Saint Franquet
    Curious, I just said the same thing.

    Micheline
    Ah, you were saying— Charming! Just like your faucets— How come you don't have any hot water?

    Saint Franquet
    Huh?

    Micheline
    You only get cold water.

    Saint Franquet
    I'll fix it.

    Micheline
    Then, fix it. You know better than I—

    Saint Franquet
    Just as soon as you asked.

    (He goes out. She gets back in bed.)

    Micheline
    Well, I'm cured of adventures like these. (hearing voices) What's that? There are people in the studio. But they come in and out like a bazaar. (calling) Saint Franquet. (she hides in bed)

    Saint Franquet's voice Right away.

    Micheline
    Come, come—oh—

    (Bichon and Plantaredi come in, arm in arm.)

    Bichon
    Cookoo. Here we are. Gerard! He's not here!

    Plantaredi
    You believe it will please him, our visit? After all, it's not in very good taste.

    Bichon (embracing him)
    Oh yes, oh yes— He's a pervert.

    (The blanket that hides Micheline gives a little jump when Plantaredi's voice is heard.)

    Plantaredi
    Then, you take it all on yourself?

    Bichon
    Of course. (calling) Gerard!

    Saint Franquet's voice It's hot now. I'm coming.

    Bichon
    What did he say?

    Saint Franquet (enters, thinking he is talking to Micheline)
    There, there, my dear friend. (seeing Bichon and Plantaredi) Huh?

    Bichon
    What's wrong with him?

    Saint Franquet
    Son of a bitch! How did you get in?

    Bichon
    With my key.

    Saint Franquet
    What's wrong? What do you want?

    Bichon
    Why—to pay you a visit.

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—well—you know.

    Bichon
    What? It's not nice. Newly married couples visit their families. Well—we consider you one of the family.

    Saint Franquet (trying to push them off to the right)
    Yes, that's nice of you. Come, this way, this way.

    Bichon
    But, it's very nice here. You don't have to have manners with us.

    Plantaredi (sitting on the bed and taking Bichon on his knees)
    Oh, my dear friend—she is charming. Oh, you have taste.

    Bichon (coyly)
    Oh, sir!

    Saint Franquet
    Shut up, will you?

    Plantaredi
    Not at all. I'll speak out. (laughing) My poor wife thinks I am in Chateaudun.

    (Movement under the blankets.)

    Saint Franquet
    Look here, Plantaredi.

    Plantaredi (still laughing)
    When I came back yesterday, she was out. So I left a message that I had to go to Chateaudun on business.

    Saint Franquet (aside)
    What an idiot.

    Plantaredi
    Say—you don't mind my using your telephone to call my wife—from Chateaudun?

    Micheline (sitting up in bed)
    Oh—you want to telephone me from Chateaudun?

    Bichon (frightened)
    Ah!

    Plantaredi
    Son of a bitch! My wife.

    (Plantaredi jumps like a rabbit.)

    Saint Franquet
    Calm down! Calm down!

    Micheline
    Leave me alone! (to Bichon) Oh! I congratulate you, Madame! You have a nice job.

    Bichon
    What?

    Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
    And you, you didn't hesitate to put me in contact with prostitutes.

    Bichon (furious)
    Prostitutes!

    Saint Franquet (to Micheline)
    Madame, I beg you—

    Bichon
    Prostitutes! Which of us looks more like a whore at the moment?

    Micheline (indignant)
    What do you say?

    Bichon
    Well, I'm all dressed, and I find you in a nightgown, in my lover's bed—

    Micheline
    I am an honest woman—and if I am here—it's not for—not for what you pretend to think.

    Bichon
    No—you're waiting to catch a streetcar.

    Micheline
    But, to avenge myself! To punish my husband for his infidelities—of which you are the accomplice—to give him as good as I got!

    Bichon
    Yes? Well, so much the worse for you!

    Saint Franquet
    Come on, Bichon—enough already. I beg you to shut up.

    Bichon
    Yes! Well, I beg you to speak differently to me. If you don't like it, my lover is there to answer you.

    Saint Franquet
    Huh! What lover?

    Bichon
    Plantaredi!

    Micheline
    My husband.

    Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
    You've got a lot of nerve.

    Micheline (crying)
    Oh—that's all you care for me. That's all you care for me.

    Saint Franquet (in despair)
    But, what do you want me to do?

    Micheline
    Oh, I'm a retch, a wretch!

    Saint Franquet
    Come on, come on. (to Bichon) Are you happy with your work? I thought you had some heart.

    Bichon (softening, to Micheline)
    Come, Madame—don't despair. I ask your pardon. I have been too quick.

    Micheline (crying)
    Ah!

    Bichon
    Really—I was wrong. Now I understand, you evidently did this after me—because I took your husband.

    Micheline (still crying)
    Ah!

    Bichon
    When things like this happen, we don't worry if the guy is married or not. You just can't tell about a John. I suppose we should card them—

    Micheline
    The wretch!

    Bichon
    Who? Your husband? No. He's just like all the rest. Only the wife knows or doesn't know. The trouble is, you found out. (to Saint Franquet) Oh, I bet it was you with your idiotic call yesterday.

    Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
    What? It was you!

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—

    Bichon
    Oh—how dumb you can be!

    Micheline
    Yes—he can be so dumb.

    Saint Franquet
    Evidently, this is going to be all my fault.

    Bichon (to Micheline)
    And, why all this? Why are you in bed and why did you—do all that? To revenge yourself?

    Micheline
    Naturally.

    Bichon
    It's idiotic.

    Micheline
    Huh?

    Bichon
    How have you improved anything? Are you any less deceived today, than you were yesterday? And, did you enjoy it with him? No!

    Micheline
    No!

    Bichon
    You see!

    Saint Franquet (aside)
    Now I understand!

    Bichon
    Oh—if I'd been there, I'd have warned you— Close your eyes to his faults. Wait for the prodigal child to return. He will.

    Micheline
    Oh, thanks! Thanks, Madame, for these comforting words.

    Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
    I didn't know you had these talents.

    Bichon
    You never took the trouble to talk with me.

    Micheline (to Saint Franquet)
    There's a woman with a heart.

    Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
    But, it is my wife who is in your bed.

    All Huh?

    (Plantaredi goes towards his wife.)

    Saint Franquet (interposing)
    Plantaredi!

    Plantaredi
    Shut up!

    Micheline
    Right! It's my turn to speak.

    Plantaredi
    No—it's mine. What are you doing here, Madame?

    Micheline
    Exactly what you were doing last night—I don't know where—at Chateaudun.

    Plantaredi
    What do you mean?

    Micheline
    I mean, you were with your mistress— And I, I was with my lover.

    Plantaredi
    Wretch.

    Saint Franquet
    It's not true. It's not true.

    Bichon
    But it's false.

    Saint Franquet
    Plantaredi, I swear to you.

    Micheline
    Evidently, that's Mr Saint Franquet's duty! But me, I affirm it! And, besides, I think the situation is clear enough.

    Plantaredi
    Very well, Madame. I know what I have to do.

    Micheline (rising)
    I, too, sir. Fortunately, I have the proofs that will get me a divorce.

    Plantaredi
    At your ease, Madame.

    Micheline
    Goodbye, sir.

    Plantaredi
    Goodbye.

    Micheline (with a tender smile to Gerard)
    Soon—Gerard.

    (Micheline goes into the bathroom.)

    Bichon
    She's daft— She's gone completely daft.

    Plantaredi (to Saint Franquet)
    As for you, sir.

    Saint Franquet
    Fine—cut off further discussion, sir. I owe you satisfaction. I am at your orders.

    Plantaredi
    Tomorrow—my seconds.

    Saint Franquet
    That will suffice.

    Bichon
    If you were not choked up, you would realize this was staged.

    Plantaredi
    What?

    Saint Franquet (to Bichon)
    Ah—shut up.

    Bichon
    No—I will speak. (to Plantaredi) A set up by your wife, who found out what you did to her, and who decided to pay you back.

    Plantaredi
    Huh?

    Bichon (pointing to Saint Franquet)
    And, then, this other dummy—was forced—

    Saint Franquet
    What?

    Bichon
    Exactly! Forced to play the role she imposed on him.

    Saint Franquet
    It's false! It's false.

    Bichon
    It's false? The proof is (pointing to the bed and the chaise lounge) two beds. Generally, when one give oneself to a man, one doesn't start by making two beds.

    Saint Franquet (while Plantaredi listens, stunned)
    Oh! Oh! Pardon me!

    Bichon
    Shut your trap! (to Plantaredi) The real proof is the rage with which they accuse themselves. If you were a psychologist—

    Saint Franquet
    Will you be finished soon, Bichon?

    Bichon
    I say you were not the lover of Madame Plantaredi.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I was.

    Bichon
    No—you weren't.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, I was.

    Plantaredi (bursting out)
    Well, no. You weren't her lover.

    Saint Franquet (overwhelmed)
    What?

    Plantaredi
    I tell you, you were not!

    Saint Franquet
    Plantaredi!

    Plantaredi (threatening)
    If you don't be quiet! I can see perfectly clearly. It's clumsy. You can fool me for a while, but not all the time. No—you were not her lover.

    Saint Franquet
    All right. You win. I wasn't.

    Plantaredi
    Poor fellow.

    Saint Franquet
    Old friend.

    Bichon (aside)
    That took a lot of work.

    Plantaredi
    I can see it all. Coming to you, mad for revenge. You tried to calm her down— What if she had gone to someone else?

    Saint Franquet
    I tremble to think of it.

    Plantaredi (to Bichon)
    You see.

    Bichon
    Married men are so gullible!

    Plantaredi
    But, why did she ask for a divorce?

    Saint Franquet
    It will pass.— But, what she doesn't forgive is your liaison.

    Plantaredi
    Liaison—? But, just a little folly that started yesterday.

    Saint Franquet
    She's got your letters.

    Plantaredi
    I don't have any letters—talk some sense into her. I still love her. Excuse me, Bichon.

    Saint Franquet
    Go take a walk for a while—Bichon and I—

    Plantaredi
    Bichon?

    Saint Franquet
    Bichon has a great influence on her— Let her plead your case, and you will be acquitted.

    Plantaredi
    My fate is in your hands. (he goes out)

    Saint Franquet (opening door)
    Come out, Madame, come.

    Micheline's voice No, no. Hopeless. I don't want to see him.

    Saint Franquet
    But, he's gone.

    Micheline (entering, dressed)
    Oh! Where did he go?

    Saint Franquet
    Who knows? He might blow his brains out.

    Bichon
    Perhaps, throw himself in the river.

    Micheline (very calm)
    In this weather? No. He hates cold water. Worse luck.

    Saint Franquet
    What are you going to do?

    Micheline
    Divorce him. I intend to have my revenge.

    Bichon
    The best revenge is to send the letters back to the lady who wrote them.

    Micheline
    No—

    Bichon
    Really, it would.

    Micheline
    I don't know, I—

    Bichon
    Does the woman have a husband?

    Micheline
    Yes.

    Bichon
    A husband who knows nothing?

    Micheline
    Exactly.

    Bichon
    How's he going to feel?

    Micheline
    I hadn't thought about that. (after a moment) You are a very chic little woman.— Wait— (she goes out)

    Saint Franquet
    Where's she going?

    Bichon
    It worked. She's going to get rid of the letters.

    Des Saugettes (comes in, breathless)
    Here I am.

    Saint Franquet
    Ah—you. Did you get there ahead of Victor?

    Des Saugettes
    No—he got there before me.

    Saint Franquet
    I told you to take a cab.

    Des Saugettes
    I did—but I ran into a roadblock—for the President—of the Republic.

    Saint Franquet
    Damn. Did you see Miss Summerson?

    Des Saugettes
    Yes. I saw her.

    Saint Franquet
    What did she say?

    Des Saugettes
    She said your letter was very funny.

    Saint Franquet
    Funny?

    Des Saugettes
    And that it was very silly. And she laughed like crazy.

    Bichon
    What's all this about? Your marriage is not going well?

    Saint Franquet
    I wrote her a letter, breaking it off—for reasons I will keep to myself—

    Bichon
    Which can easily be figured out.

    Saint Franquet
    I tried to get it back, but this jerk got there too late.

    Des Saugettes (indignant)
    Jerk!

    Micheline (coming with letters)
    Here.

    Des Saugettes (turning away)
    Oh!

    All
    What?

    Des Saugettes
    I didn't see. I didn't see.

    Micheline
    You have convinced me. Here are the letters.

    Saint Franquet
    To avoid any temptation to change your mind, let's return them immediately.— Des Saugettes.

    Des Saugettes (turned away)
    I see nothing. Nothing.

    Saint Franquet (pulling him around)
    You are going to do us a favor.

    Des Saugettes
    Me? With pleasure. Hello, Madame Plantaredi.

    Micheline
    Hell, Des Saugettes.

    Des Saugettes (to Saint Franquet)
    I believe I can now—

    (Des Saugettes goes to Micheline and kisses her hand.)

    Micheline (very much a woman of the world)
    It's been so long since we've seen you.

    Des Saugettes
    And, Mr Plantaredi is well?

    Micheline (drily)
    As well as can be, thanks.

    Des Saugettes
    Oh—I've forgotten my taxi.

    Saint Franquet
    That's good. Take it to Madame— (to Micheline) Madame?

    Micheline (scornfully)
    Madame Chandail.

    Des Saugettes
    The address?

    Micheline
    19 Rue Castiglione.

    Saint Franquet
    That's a stone's throw. Go give this packet to her—if she is alone.

    Des Saugettes
    Good. (starts to leave)

    Saint Franquet
    Wait! Tell her this is how an outraged spouse revenges herself.

    Des Saugettes
    And then?

    Saint Franquet
    Then, leave. Understand. Hurry!

    Des Saugettes
    Understood. Au revoir, Madame Plantaredi. (he goes)

    Bichon
    Feel better?

    Micheline
    I really don't know.

    Saint Franquet
    Tomorrow you will thank us.

    Micheline
    I hope so.

    (Plantaredi comes in.)

    Micheline
    Oh—I will never forgive you.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes, she will. She's sent the letters back.

    Bichon
    I got her to do it.

    Plantaredi
    But, what letters?

    Micheline
    The letters from Madame Chandail.

    Plantaredi
    Son of a bitch! Are you all crazy?

    All
    What?

    Plantaredi
    Get them back! Get them back.

    (Plantaredi goes to the window and opens it.)

    Micheline (scared)
    Don't do it, Antoine!

    Bichon
    He's going to kill himself. Help!

    (Bichon grabs Plantaredi. The others help.)

    Plantaredi
    No—no. Get Des Saugettes.

    Saint Franquet
    He's long gone.

    Plantaredi
    You've ruined me. Those letters were not mine.

    All
    Huh?

    Plantaredi
    They belong to one of my clients.— Son of a bitch. I'll be ruined. Sued for malpractice.

    Micheline
    How could I possibly know!

    Plantaredi (lying down)
    My career is ruined.

    Micheline
    It's not so serious.

    Plantaredi
    You've given the letters to the adverse party. Not serious! (laughs wildly)

    Micheline
    It's not the number of letters that's important.

    Plantaredi
    No. Of course not. But—

    Micheline (pulling a letter from her bosom)
    This is the most compromising. "My sweetie, you've got me pregnant."

    Plantaredi
    You've saved me.

    Micheline (saintly demure)
    I know.

    Saint Franquet (to Madame Plantaredi)
    You kept it!

    Micheline
    I'm a woman.

    (A knock.)

    Victor (enters)
    Sir.

    Saint Franquet
    What is it?

    Victor
    Miss Summerson

    Saint Franquet
    Shit!

    Dotty
    Can I come in?

    Saint Franquet
    Certainly.

    Dotty
    Right. (to Tommy) Wait a minute, Tommy. Oh, you've got everybody here.

    (Victor leaves.)

    Dotty
    Oh—Mr and Mrs Chatel-Saucy.

    Plantaredi
    In effect.

    Dotty (presenting herself)
    Miss Summerson.

    Plantaredi
    We haven't forgotten.

    Dotty
    How nice. (to Bichon) Oh, Mademoiselle Bichon.

    Bichon
    Hello!

    Dotty (holding Saint Franquet's hand)
    Oh—idiot— What a letter you wrote me.

    Saint Franquet
    Oh—yes—the letter.

    Dotty
    Funny. What a mess you made.

    Saint Franquet
    Yes—I guess so.

    Dotty
    Sending me the letter for Mademoiselle Bichon. (giving it to him)

    Saint Franquet (taking the letter to Bichon)
    Here, this was for you.

    Bichon (reads)
    Oh— (laughing) You ass.

    Dotty (to Bichon)
    Not angry?

    Bichon (philosophically)
    No, it's life.

    Des Saugettes (rushing in)
    I did it.

    Plantaredi
    You sent the letters back?

    Des Saugettes (triumphantly)
    Yes!

    Plantaredi
    May the devil take you.

    Des Saugettes
    Thanks. (to Saint Franquet) Nabbed her just as she was coming out of her house. It was strange— She gave me a kiss.

    Des Saugettes
    Why did she do that?

    CURTAIN