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English Version by Frank J. Morlock C 1986
Etext by Dagny
Characters: English name Original French name Loveless Lisidor Gerald Geralde Dr. Bloodgood M. Mirobolan Augusta Feliante Olivia Alcine Lettice Dorine Martin Marin Peg Lise Scalpel Chirugien Big Tom Grand Simon Scratch Crispin Seven men, four women
The scene is London, around 1675.
The street before Bloodgood's surgery.
Martin
What, sir? You say you wish to remarry?
Loveless
Yes, yes,—I wish to remarry, and to better succeed, I have sent
my son to Oxford under the pretext of studying for his degree.
Martin
I understand perfectly. But, may one ask the name of your
bride-to-be?
Loveless
Certainly. It's Olivia.
Martin
What! The daughter of Dr. Bloodgood?
Loveless
The same.
Martin
You are joking, sir—this girl isn't yet eighteen, and would be
more suitable for your son than for you.
Loveless
I don't intend to let my son marry for three or four years.
Martin
But, sir, did you consider carefully what you are doing when you
got this idea to marry Olivia?
Loveless
Did I consider carefully? Yes, yes,—I gave it a lot of thought.
She's beautiful; she's intelligent; she's young; she's idealistic. In
fact, she has a lot of qualities that are simply not to be disparaged.
Martin
Well, these are beautiful traits to keep you from thinking—for to
be honest with you, none of these traits go with an old man.
Loveless
Huh? I am not that old!
Martin
Oh, yeah! If we were in those times when men lived seven or eight
hundred years—you'd only be an adolescent; but, in the times we live,
you're well along in your race.
Loveless
But, sixty years—
Martin
My word. Not to lie, I believe you have at least twelve or
fourteen more years, for I remember that the other day the good Mr.
Hurtle, drinking a cup of wine with you, said he was more than
sixty-six, and that you were in college when he was in first form, and
in a college play, he played cupid, and you played King Arthur.
Loveless
He doesn't know what he's talking about, he's one of those men who
like to pretend they're older than they are.
Martin
Leave the age business aside, for, as they say, it's only for the
grey hair. But, let us talk a little about your marriage. Do you
believe that Dr. Bloodgood and Augusta, his wife, will give you their
daughter—she being an only child? When one has only a daughter, and
marries her—it's in the hope she'll produce grandchildren. But, not
to sugar the pill, if you marry her, they run the risk of never having
that joy—at least without some assistance—you understand me.
Loveless
None of this is your affair—and I know what I am doing. When she
is my wife, we'll do what needs to be done.
Martin
My word, I doubt she ever will be your wife.
Loveless
Well, as for me, I am certain of it. Dr. Bloodgood is a man of his
word—he has given me his solemn promise that she will be mine.
Martin
Well, that's something. But, you know that Augusta is a
domineering woman—and, if I don't deceive myself, she has the look of
wearing the pants.
Loveless
I know she's a little proud. But the advantages I will bring her
daughter will soften her pride—and besides, a husband is always the
master of his wife.
Martin
Always! My word. I've seen many that don't live agreeably, and who
wish with all their heart that you speak true. But, here is Dr.
Bloodgood who is leaving his house.
(Enter Dr. Bloodgood from his house.)
Bloodgood
Ah, it's you, Mr. Loveless?
Loveless
At your service. I came to speak of this business.
Bloodgood
What business?
Loveless
Oh, the one that—you know about it—
Bloodgood
What?
Loveless
The business we spoke about together?
Bloodgood
When?
Loveless
Huh—several times.
Bloodgood
Where?
Loveless
Several places.
Bloodgood
I don't know what it is.
Loveless
About your daughter's marrying me.
Bloodgood
Oh, is that all? I thought you meant something else. About that?
You know I've given my word. You've only to choose the day. Rest at
ease. You are the master of that business.
Loveless
I'm obligated to you. But, have you taken the trouble to speak to
your better half?
Bloodgood
No, but I give you her consent. She's submissive to my will—and I
know how to deal with her if she makes any difficulty: I am a man who
knows how to inject a little reason into a woman.
Loveless
I don't doubt it.
Bloodgood
Actually, I'd like to see her puff up in front of me. If she
crossed me, I would make her see how stupid she is. But, thank heaven,
I don't have to trouble. In a word, my wife does everything that I
wish.
Loveless
Decide, if you please, which of us will speak of it first to her;
it's a propriety I ought to observe, for, as you know, the ladies are
jealous of their littler prerogatives.
Bloodgood
Willingly, and to get on with it, I am going to bring her here.
(Exit Dr. Bloodgood into the house.)
Loveless
Well, Martin? What do you say to that?
Martin
Everything's going fine, and I'm very easy because of your
father-in- law.
(Enter Dr. Bloodgood with Augusta.)
Bloodgood
Here's our good friend Mr. Loveless, wife.
Augusta
Ah, I am his servant, and delighted to see him.
Bloodgood (low to Loveless)
It will be more becoming if you speak first.
Loveless (low to Bloodgood)
You begin, then I'll follow up.
Bloodgood (low)
You can explain better than I.
Loveless
Not at all. Besides, reason dictates that you should open the
subject.
Bloodgood
It's up to you to take the first step.
Loveless
I've done it for you, and you ought to predispose her before I
speak to her.
Augusta
At least, tell me what you're squabbling over, and why you brought
me here.
Loveless
A mere bagatelle.
Bloodgood
Wife, it's our friend Mr. Loveless who asks for the hand of our
daughter in marriage.
Augusta
And, for whom?
Loveless
For me, madam, but under conditions which cannot be disagreeable
to you. Doubtless, at first blush, my age would give you some
repugnance to the idea—but, when you know, madam, that I will make
you a fine settlement on your daughter, and that I will take her
without a dowry —and that your husband has already given me his
word—I dare to hope you will be as kind.
Augusta
All these matters are very weighty—but your age, sir, does not
agree with my daughter's, and one often sees young women who make such
marriages fall into disorderly conduct. The caresses of an old man are
not meant for a young woman: in fact, they create an antipathy, and we
see even nature itself revolt. Thus, to avoid these possible disgraces
to my family, you will appreciate why I refuse to give my consent.
Loveless
But, your husband has given me his word.
Augusta
I believe it, but obviously he hasn't considered it carefully, for
if he had, he would be—doubtless—of my opinion.
Loveless
Sir, you know you promised me.
Augusta
I believe, as I said before, that he did promise Olivia to
you—but he can de-promise her to you—for believe me, it won't
happen.
Loveless
Sir, a man of honor ought to hold to his word. Didn't you promise
your daughter in marriage to me?
Bloodgood
Hey—all that is true—
Augusta
Well—if he promised her—I did not. And that's enough.
Bloodgood
Wife.
Augusta
Hey—my God, leave me alone. I know very well what I'm doing.
Bloodgood
But, it's necessary—to keep one's—
Augusta
It's necessary not to make such glib promises. One more time, it's
never going to happen. And, your arguments couldn't be worse than they
are. Goodbye, sir. Get it in your head that you will never marry my
daughter.
(Exit Augusta.)
Martin (to Bloodgood)
Sir?
Bloodgood
What do you want?
Martin
She's submissive to my will—and I know how to deal with her if
she makes any difficulty: I am a man who knows how to inject a little
sense into a woman. I'd like to see her puff up in front of me. If she
crosses me, I'd make her see how stupid she is. In a word, my wife
does everything I wish.
Bloodgood
You are an impertinent!
Loveless
Indeed, Martin's right. And, this is the speech you made to me
before we spoke to your wife.
Bloodgood
True, but, we must be patient. It's not necessary to get carried
away right from the start. Sometimes one ought to temporize. I
promised you — All right, leave it to me.
Martin
All right, leave it to him. He'll spoil everything. My word, you'd
better believe the words of the wife, and not those of this gentleman.
You can see quite clearly that she is the sole mistress and master.
Bloodgood
You don't know what you are saying.
Martin
No, but I know you will be furiously repulsed in any siege effort.
Tell me, if you please, who is the boss—you or your wife?
Bloodgood
I am.
Martin
Oh, yeah! In words, but not in deeds.
Bloodgood
You'll learn that I am master in fact, and in words, too. You are
a fool!
Martin
Ah, sir, I'm not going to dispute that quality with you.
Bloodgood
Shut up! (to Loveless) Sir, once more—enough— Goodbye.
(Exit Bloodgood into the house.)
Martin
Ho, devilishly well said. Sir, you ought no longer to hope to
marry Miss Olivia, because that opinionated and imperious mother will
never give her to you. As for the husband, he's a fine doctor, a good
astrologer, a great psychic—but he's not master in his own house. You
cannot build on his promises.
Loveless
But, don't I see Scratch?
Martin
Yes, sir. It's Scratch, all right.
(Enter Scratch.)
Scratch
Ah! Sir, your servant. Good day, Martin.
Martin
Good day.
Loveless
What brings you to town?
Scratch
Your son sent me by coach. I've only been in town a few hours.
Martin
By coach? You should have been sent on foot.
Loveless
Why did he send you?
Scratch
Sir, here's a letter that will tell you everything.
Loveless (reading)
Father—hmm— This isn't his style or handwriting. Are you making
fun of me?
Scratch
No, sir. I ask your pardon. You see, I lost his letter on the way.
So, I had a peasant who could write, make me another one. I know that
he was asking for money, and that he promised to be a good boy in the
future, and not to do it again. Read the rest of the letter.
Loveless
Huh— I'm satisfied with what I've read.
Martin
What, did you dictate to the peasant?
Scratch
Yeah, I did. What are you getting at?
Martin (ironically)
Nothing. But, it's well contrived, ho, ho.
Scratch
You know, you always talk big—but by God, remember—I'm smarter
than you.
Martin
Ho, ho—without a doubt.
Scratch
Damn! Would you like a punch? You will see—
Loveless
Will you both shut up!
Scratch
But, sir, he always pretends to know everything, and thinks no
one's as smart as he is.
Martin
Oh—I defer to you.
Loveless
One more time—shut up. But, Scratch, you say my son has spent all
his money after four months.
Scratch
Yes, sir. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't say it.
Loveless
It's gone awfully fast. But, go get some sleep. I will talk to you
about it later. I have some pressing business right now. Come on—
follow me, Martin.
(Exit Loveless and Martin.)
Scratch
Hola! He thinks he's the only one who knows anything. Damn, when
he takes up that grave attitude you'd think no one else in the world
was as wise as he. He acts like he knows more than anybody.— But,
let's go to Loveless's and get some money—of which my master has a
great need. The expenditures he makes each day! But, I see him coming.
It's not a good idea to tell him I lost his letter—he might abuse me.
(Enter Gerald.)
Gerald
Tell me, what are you doing here?
Scratch
Nothing, sir.
Gerald
What—two days after I left you, you haven't been to my father
yet?
Scratch
No, sir, but I met him in the street, and that did our business.
Gerald
How is that?
Scratch
I gave him your letter, and told him your need for money. And
that, briefly, is all that's happened.
Gerald
And, what did he say to you?
Scratch
Nothing, except to go home and that he would speak to me later. At
the moment, he has some business.
Gerald
Didn't he interrogate you about my behaviour?
Scratch
Very little, but I expect he soon will, and that is why I must
wait on him.
Gerald
Be careful what you say, at least.
Scratch
Hey, leave it to me. We are not so stupid as we are badly dressed.
He believes all my nonsense.
Gerald
Watch out for Martin at all times. As you know, he's got a big
mouth.
Scratch
I don't care about him! God, because he knows how to read and
write, he imagines that I am not as wise as he. I have a good idea to
give him a fat lip.
Gerald
He's with my father?
Scratch
Yes, and wants to argue already. But, we've struck back. Go—rely
on me. You know that I am not a mere talker—I get things done that
you want done. Where are you coming from?
Gerald
Olivia told me she has something she wants to tell me, and that I
would find her about this house.— But, I see her coming.
(Enter Olivia and Lettice from the house.)
Olivia
Gerald, you come too soon. I told you to come later. You're two
hours early.
Gerald
You're right, madam, but you know the impatience that routinely
torments lovers, and how they believe their pains are eased when they
can see the place where they will meet the person they love.
Olivia
Gerald, stop the flattery, because I cannot stay long with you. I
am going to pay a visit, and my mother will come to get me. You must
know something, though. Your father wants to marry me.
Gerald
My father?
Olivia
Yes, your father—and my father has promised me to him. But my
mother, you know, rules the roost, and has strongly rebuffed goodman
Loveless. Now, see the mess we are in: for when I told my mother the
love I had for you, and got her to be favorable to my wishes, you
father wouldn't consent. Without your father's agreement, we can hope
for nothing from my mother. Goodbye—I am afraid she's coming right
behind me.
(Exit Olivia and Lettice. Lettice and Scratch make exaggerated bows
to each other.)
Gerald
What should I do now, Scratch?
Scratch
What crazy logic made the old mercenary amorous at the age of
seventy- four? Without a doubt, that's why he sent us to Oxford. But,
we've got to prevent him from marrying. And that's done only with
money—and then, we'll cut him out of the game. Look at the old
gallowsbird: he needs girls of eighteen to cheer him up! He isn't
completely disgusting—he digests it well—he just needs a refill.
Gerald
But, what to do, Scratch?
Scratch
Try to speak to her alone—and that will resolve all your affairs.
She will give you—many possible ways.
Gerald
Come, I am going to write a letter that you will deliver to
Lettice when they come home.
Scratch
But, I ought to go to your father's house.
Gerald
I want you to deliver my letter before going there.
CURTAIN
A large room in Bloodgood's house. There are several doors. There is a large table used to conduct autopsies.
Bloodgood
Lettice, Lettice, hey! Lettice?
Lettice
Sir?
Bloodgood
Fix this room up properly. I'm going to have some doctors watch
the autopsy I will conduct on the corpse the public executioner is
sending me.
Lettice
But, sir, why choose this apartment? In the past, you did it in
the other house.
Bloodgood
True, but my wife wants me to use the house in the back so the
main house will be free. I find she has an excellent idea.
Lettice
Ah! I don't doubt it.
Bloodgood
Because, where we are, over here, the garden which separates these
two houses will hold down the noise the opinionated usually make on
such occasions. There's always somebody who doesn't agree with the
others, and who remembers an erroneous opinion—and makes more noise
than four people put together.
Lettice
True, sir, none of you doctors can agree—your science is very
uncertain, and you are the first to be deceived.
Bloodgood
Sometimes that happens, but it's not the fault of medicine itself.
Lettice
If it's not the fault of medicine, then, it's the fault of the
doctors.
Bloodgood
That may be true, Lettice, but that's none of your business.
Lettice
No, but I can speak my mind, and if it's not my business today, it
will be someday—in spite of me.
Bloodgood
Very good. But, let's change that subject, and think of receiving
the cadaver—which should be arriving very soon. Put it in the vault,
because I won't begin work until tomorrow. Now, I'm going to visit
three or four patients for whom I don't have much hope. (leaving)
Lettice
I will do all that you say.
Bloodgood (returning)
Lettice, if you wished to do all that I say, you could show a
little feeling for me, and not be angry.
Lettice
You shouldn't be having such thoughts with as nice a looking wife
as you have. It seems to me that it's unreasonable, and you ought to
be content with her.
Bloodgood
It's a strange diet that consists of only one food. In the end,
it's boring.
Lettice
If you wife had the same ideas, what would you say?
Bloodgood
Oh, it's not the same thing. The pride of a man is to cajole
several women, the virtue of a woman is to listen to no man except her
husband.
Lettice
I don't believe in men having more privileges than women—and what
men permit themselves to do, they dare not forbid their wives.
Bloodgood
The law intends that it be this way.
Lettice
In fact, it should be just the opposite. Those who made that law
were ignorant—for there are stupid lawyers, just as there are stupid
doctors. But, I see clearly—and will guard myself. Go see your
patients—and leave me alone!
Bloodgood
No goodbyes, Lettice?
(Exit Bloodgood.)
Lettice
No goodbyes, sir. See this little twerp! Just leave him alone, and
he'll do some beautiful things. It's a strange thing when these dogs
of men can't content themselves with their wives—they must have some
new toy.— If I am ever married, and my husband plays me such tricks—
what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.— We'll see! Ah,
Scratch, what do you want?
(Enter Scratch.)
Scratch
I was prowling around here to see if I could give you this letter.
I saw Dr. Bloodgood leave and I entered, as you see.
Lettice
Close that door, so we can speak securely. I am going to close
this one. Well—who sent this letter?
(They each go to a door and close it.)
Scratch
My master. He's becoming desperate because Olivia told him
something touching her marriage to his father, Mr. Loveless.
Lettice
We'll have to prevent that—for it shouldn't be.
Scratch
The devil you say. You'd lose more than one person. You'd lose the
advantage of having me for a husband—me—who loves you better than
fifty could do.
Lettice
You think that's such a great advantage?
Scratch
Undoubtedly. But, let's not speak of that anymore. The gentleman
likes the lady and the lady likes the gentleman. Tell me, what were
you doing here with Dr. Bloodgood?
Lettice
Getting ready for tomorrow's dissection of a hanged man. And,
because he's chosen this place to do it, he ordered me to spruce it
up. Now— it's necessary for your master to take special measures to
speak to Olivia. Since this place is going to be occupied, they won't
have much change to meet here, as they used to do. Give me the letter;
I will give it to Olivia and get a quick reply.
Scratch
Here—go quickly.
Bloodgood (knocking at the other door)
Hey, hey, Lettice—open up for me, I'm in a hurry.
Lettice
My God, what am I going to do? It's our master.
Scratch
Ah, dammit, I wish I were a long way from here.
Augusta (knocking at the other door)
Hey, Lettice—open for me.
Lettice
This is getting worse! That's our mistress.
Scratch
Ah—it's the devil!
Lettice
If she weren't here, I could put you in the vault.
Bloodgood
Come on, open for me, Lettice.
Lettice
I am lost.
Scratch
Me, too.
Lettice
Scratch, lie down in this table. I am going to say you are the
cadaver of the hanged man.
Scratch
But—
Lettice
Don't argue—do what I tell you.
(Scratch lies on the table and Lettice opens the door for Dr.
Bloodgood.)
Bloodgood (entering quickly)
You are waiting carefully on me! I forgot something around here,
and I have got to go find it quickly.
(Exit Bloodgood by a door near the one which Augusta is knocking
on. Lettice now opens for Augusta.)
Augusta
Where were you when I was calling you?
Lettice
I was busy receiving the cadaver—and I didn't hear you at first.
(Enter Dr. Bloodgood.)
Bloodgood
Wife—what are you doing here?
Augusta
I came to see if Lettice has got things ready as she was supposed
to.
Bloodgood
See you, see you.
(Exit Bloodgood.)
Augusta
Lettice, take care of everything here. As for me, I'm going—cause
I don't like to look at these things—they always give me gloomy
ideas.
(Exit Augusta.)
Lettice
Go, go, madam, I will do all that is necessary. (shutting and
locking both doors) Well, Scratch, my trick seems to have worked.
Scratch
Very well—and we got out of it cheaply—but, I must leave soon to
avoid new trouble. Perhaps, I could remain a little longer, usefully—
Bloodgood (returning)
Lettice, Lettice, open up. It's me.
Lettice
Ah,—get back in the same posture: it's our doctor.
Scratch (getting back)
Devil take him.
(Enter Bloodgood.)
Bloodgood
I think I've got a hangover today. I've forgotten half the things
I need. Certain pills I need. But, Lettice, what do I see here?
Lettice
It's the cadaver they just brought. It was already here when you
came before.
Bloodgood
Very good. But, how come he still has his clothes on?
Lettice
They said they'd come and get them later.
Bloodgood (examining the body)
Nothing missing. I am of the opinion that since the body is still
warm, maybe I ought to begin the dissection immediately. Go look for
my lancet and scalpel. They're high up in my cabinet.
Lettice
But, sir, you aren't prepared. It would be very difficult, and
besides, your patients are waiting for you.
Bloodgood
To wait two or three hours is no big thing.
Lettice
But, suppose they died?
Bloodgood
Not my fault. If they die in such a short time, my visit wouldn't
help them much.
Lettice
But, a timely remedy—
Bloodgood
Go and bring me a box of twine and staples; you'll find them with
my instruments. While he's still warm, I have a better chance of
finding the duct veins and the reservoirs which conduct the chlye to
the heart during fibrillation.
Lettice
But sir, you aren't going to take away my privilege to fix this
place the way I want. Come tomorrow, as you said.
Bloodgood
Either go, or I will go myself.
Lettice
I will go, if you insist.
(Exit Lettice.)
Bloodgood (looking at the cadaver and addressing it)
He doesn't look evil—yet, there's something about his face. Yes,
all the rules of craniotomy and physiognomy are false if this fellow
didn't deserve to be hanged. I'll incise him here (pointing) and open
him up; from his xyphoid cartilage right down to his pubis.
(listening) His heart's still beating. Ah, if I had some of my
colleagues here now. Particularly those who don't believe in the
circulation of the blood—would I ever show them!
(Enter Scalpel, a surgeon.)
Scalpel
Sir, sir, the squire is very bloated since yesterday. You ought to
see him soon.
Bloodgood
I will go soon—but, I haven't the leisure at present.
Scalpel
But, the illness presses, sir— It's necessary that you come now.
Bloodgood
I cannot—go, bleed him, and I will see him in a couple of hours.
Scalpel
Sir, I don't believe that bleeding will do him any good.
Bloodgood
Bleed him, I tell you. I know better what I'm doing.
Scalpel
But, sir—
Bloodgood
But—one more time: bleed him!
Scalpel
But, but, sir—
Bloodgood
See here! I intend that he be bled. What business have surgeons to
argue with doctors?
Scalpel
Sir, I won't bleed him any more. I believe another bleeding is
capable of causing his death.
Bloodgood
He's going to be bled whether you like it or not. I will get
someone else to do it, if necessary.
Scalpel
Do what you please, but I am not going to do it. Good day!
Bloodgood
Good day!
(Exit surgeon Scalpel to the street. Lettice returns from the
house.)
Lettice (having heard)
I don't know how to find your hiding place—and besides, madam has
told me you are wanted urgently at the Squire's.
Bloodgood
I'll have to put it off till tomorrow, Lettice. Put this cadaver
in the vault.
(Exit Bloodgood.)
Lettice (closing the door after him)
Go. I will manage everything.
Scratch (getting up)
Without amusing myself in a discussion any further, I am going to
leave immediately.
Lettice
Where do you intend to go?
Scratch
Devil knows! Where I intend to go? Let me out of here. What! You
coolly get the scalpel and other gimcracks to dissect me in small
pieces—and, you want me to stay! You're making fun of me.
Lettice
Understand, that when I left to find the equipment, I intended to
hide it where he'd never find it. And that's what I did.
Scratch
Ho, that's a good idea. At first I was astonished, me—your future
husband—that you had the sangfroid to see me cut up so barbarously.
Lettice
I would never have permitted it. But, pay attention to me. I am
going to try to give this letter to Olivia, and get a reply.
Scratch
I don't want to wait here—
Lettice
Why?
Scratch
The word lancet makes me tremble. I am going to wait in the
street— there I don't fear the doctor's scalpel. The fear I
experienced in this place is more than enough.
Lettice
Go, but don't be impatient.
Scratch
I'll wait forever—when I'm out of here. (as he is leaving,
someone knocks at the street door) Ah, the devil again! As soon as you
open it, I'm running out.
Lettice
Don't do it, you'll spoil everything. Lie down again, quickly.
Scratch
I won't do it—anything could happen. Suppose he had a scalpel in
his pocket?
Lettice
If I hadn't forgotten the key to the vault, I would put you there.
Scratch
Do what you want, but I'm not being put anywhere.
Lettice
Listen, I am going to get you a doctor's robe—you will say that,
having learned he was going to do a dissection, you decided to pay him
a visit. As for the cadaver, I will say I put it in the vault.
(More knocking. Lettice goes to a closet and returns with a robe.)
Scratch
Go, I prefer to be a doctor to a cadaver. But God, think how I am
dressed. At least in these clothes, I run no risk of being split open.
If I appear ignorant, there are plenty of other doctors who are more
so.
Lettice (returning)
Hurry—put it on so I can open the door.
Scratch
Here I am now.
(Lettice opens. Enter Peg.)
Peg
Is the doctor here?
Lettice
No.
Peg
There he is. Why do you hide him from me? Just let me say a couple
of words to him.
Scratch (gravely)
What do you want from me?
Peg
Sir, you know my mistress has lost a little dog that she loves to
distraction—and she's very upset and blames it all on me. They tell
me you're an astrologer as well as a doctor?
Scratch
I'm as wise in one as the other.
Peg
That's why I came—to beg you to give me some news of this little
dog.
Scratch
How long has it been lost?
Peg
Two days.
Scratch
At what time was it lost?
Peg
Eleven in the morning.
Scratch
What color is it?
Peg
Black and white.
Scratch (pondering)
That's all I need to know.
Peg (to Lettice)
Oh, the wonderful man—he's going to give us news of the little
dog.
Lettice
Without a doubt.
Scratch
Listen—two days, you say?
Peg
Yes, sir.
Scratch
At eleven o'clock.
Peg
Yes.
Scratch
Black and white?
Peg
Yes.
Scratch
Take some pills.
Peg
Some pills?
Scratch
Yes.
Peg
But will pills find the dog?
Scratch
Yes.
Peg
But, still—what kind of pills?
Scratch
Blue pills. The kind you see at the pharmacy.
Peg
But, sir—
Scratch
I haven't the time to explain. Do exactly as I say.
Peg
How many should I take?
Scratch
Three.
Peg (offering a silver coin)
That's enough. If I find my dog this way, I'm going to send you a
lot of customers.
Scratch
If you don't find it, it's not the fault of the pills.
Peg
I believe you. Goodbye, sir.
(Exit Peg.)
Scratch
Goodbye.
Lettice (after having reshut the door)
Well, Scratch, you've hardly put on your white coat when you get
your first patient and make your fee.
Scratch
The devil! I can see it's a fine profession. Without knowing what
I'm doing, I coin money—and without running the risk of playing
cadaver.
Lettice
I could hardly prevent myself from laughing at your prescription.
Blue pills for finding a lost dog.
Scratch
What the devil do you want me to prescribe—surgery? I can't read
or write and I know nothing of what she was interested in. The idea of
pills came to me, so I prescribed them. I'm taking off this costume,
so I can wait in the street, as I said.
(More knocking.)
Lettice
They're knocking. Put it back on.
Scratch
Again? I fear it may be the doctor.
Lettice
Who cares? We'll pull the wool over his eyes, too.
(Lettice opens the door. Enter Big Tom.)
Tom
Doctor Bloodgood is home?
Lettice
Why?
Tom
I wish to speak to him.
Lettice
About what?
Tom
Something concerning me.
Lettice
Who are you?
Tom
I am someone you don't know.
Lettice
I know that! Does Dr. Bloodgood know you?
Tom
No, nor I, him.
Scratch (gravely)
What do you wish?
Lettice
This gentleman wishes to speak to you.
Scratch
Let him come in, and be brief.
Tom (after several bows)
People say you're a very good doctor, and also know about
divination. So, you see, after I was told this, I decided to speak to
you about a little matter.
Scratch
Speak a little more concisely.
Tom
You see, I love a girl in our village, and there's a certain
character who visits her, too—I want to know if she loves me like she
says, and if I will marry her. For to tell you the truth, I am
doubtful.
Scratch
What's she like?
Tom
She's big, dark and pug nosed.
Scratch
Big, dark and pug nosed?
Tom
Yes, sir.
Scratch
Take some pills.
Tom
Some pills?
Scratch
Yes.
Tom
Some pills—
Scratch
Yes, some pills, green ones, that you can get at the pharmacy.
You'll have to take at least ten, on account of your size.
Tom
But, it seems to me that pills are good for illness, not for—
Scratch
Go, do what I tell you, and the pills will do the rest. It's a
science that few understand. If you were educated, and if you knew
Latin, I would explain such things to you.
Tom
Sir, I know Latin, because I'm a judge in our village.
Scratch
You know Latin?
Tom
Yes, sir.
Scratch
Well, so much the better for you. Some other time—now, do what I
tell you. Good day. I have other business.
Tom
Before going, I have to pay up.
Scratch
That's a good idea.
Tom (feeling in his pocket)
Some pills—
Scratch (taking him by the arm and escorting him out)
Yes, some pills, yes, some pills, quickly, quickly, and good day.
Tom
Here's a gold piece. If this works—
Scratch
I accept. That's enough for the advice I've given you.
Tom (aside)
These savants are always so brusque! (aloud) Good day, sir.
Scratch
Your servant.
(Exit Big Tom.)
Lettice (having closed the door)
A gold piece and a silver crown, in so little time! Well, you
ought to give me half, since I made you a doctor.
Scratch
Lettice, leave me alone. We will feed heartily together—but, for
now—
(More knocking.)
Lettice
Someone's knocking again— We're getting lots of experience—
Scratch
By God, I'm getting out of here. Ah, here's the devil again—
(Enter Dr. Bloodgood.)
Bloodgood
Lettice, have you been dreaming?
Lettice
Sir, I just put the cadaver in the vault, and here is one of your
colleagues who heard you were making a dissection, and is come to
watch you.
Bloodgood (after several bows)
Sir, although I haven't the honor of knowing you—you are always
welcome. But, I won't begin to work until tomorrow. If you wish to do
me a favor, you could give ear to a little speech I wish to rehearse,
—I believe it's a bit unusual.
Scratch
Ah, sir! I wouldn't miss it. The reputation of Dr. Bloodgood in
these matters—is, in fact, one—that—I wouldn't miss it.
Lettice
Sir, if you want me to fix up this room, then you must give me
freedom from all these interruptions.
Bloodgood
Later. Sir, I'd like to ask you some advice about a patient I'm
treating.
Scratch
Sir, you'll excuse me, if you please, I have some pressing
business.
Bloodgood
I will be brief. You know this patient had a quatrain
fever—tertian and continual—and now, we have broken that fever. But,
there remains a thing which worries me about him.— For, besides bad
insomnia, which tires him out, his sputum is extremely white—and, to
my way of thinking, a very bad sign, because as Hypocrites tells us,
"a pituita alba, acqua inter cutem supervenit"—. As you know it's
what the Greeks call "leucophlegmatia." If, according to Hypocrites,
this white sputum is a sign that hydropsy ought to follow—do you
think it necessary to prevent this by giving him a more powerful
dosage?
Scratch
You hardly need my advice. You are a man who—in fact, I can say
not a thing.
Bloodgood
No, speak frankly—I will be very pleased to know your opinion
about it.
Scratch
I am far from knowing very—
Bloodgood
As for me, I reason in this manner. I am not one of those
physicians who cherish their own opinion, and who, rather than give up
their opinion, let a patient die. Speak, I will listen to you.
Lettice (low to Scratch)
Say what you can. (aloud to Bloodgood) Sir, hurry up, I have a lot
to do.
Bloodgood
Lettice, another minute, please.
Scratch
Sir, in these cases—I don't know if—about that—
Bloodgood
Hmm?
Scratch
Some pills—
Bloodgood
To give him some pills would ruin his constitution, which is
already much altered by his other infirmities.
Scratch
I didn't say that. I said that some pills I took this morning
oblige me to leave you instantly.
Bloodgood
Oh, I don't want to contradict you. Lettice, conduct the doctor
where he needs to go. I am your servant.
(Exit Bloodgood into the house.)
Lettice
I am going to make haste to get a reply to this letter, and think,
so as to manage things so that when the real cadaver is brought in, no
one will notice the difference.
Scratch
And, I am going to wait for you elsewhere, without any more
discussion.
CURTAIN
The street before Bloodgood's surgery.
Scratch
Well, sir, what do you think of my adventure?
Gerald
I say they're unusual.
Scratch
Cadaver, doctor, cords, scalpels, gimcracks, pills—my God, it's
too much.
Gerald
True, it was a lot to put up with—but, you've got to go back
again.
Scratch
Me, sir?
Gerald
Yes, you yourself.
Scratch
By God, I don't want to go back for an autopsy, or to get beaten
up— You could go yourself.
Gerald
It's true that I could—but, I'm afraid if I do, I might ruin my
love affair. If Dr. Bloodgood sees me return, he won't fail to advise
my father of everything that's happened. As for you—you risk nothing,
because he doesn't know you.
Scratch
I hazard my back, my arms, my legs, my beautiful body. From the
way I heard Dr. Bloodgood speak of cords and scalpels, a doctor has no
more pity on a man than a lawyer.
Gerald
Still, it's necessary, my dear Scratch, to return one more time.
And, you may be certain, that when I can, I will remember your good
services and repay them.
Scratch
Ah, I don't doubt it—but, at least, tell me the reason I must
return.
Gerald
Here! Listen to this letter you brought me. (reading)
"I have many things to tell you, but I haven't the time to write
them. To achieve what we wish, it's necessary to employ several
stratagems. Send Scratch as soon as possible. I will make every effort
to give him a letter which will instruct you. If I can manage to talk
with you in person, believe that I will joyfully do so. Goodbye. Love
me as I love you, and rest assured that I will never marry anyone
else. Olivia." Well, you see, Scratch.
Scratch
Yeah, I see. I've got to go back. But, if Dr. Bloodgood, who has
seen me as both a cadaver and as a doctor, should recognize me—how do
I get out of it without a beating—hmm?
Gerald
That's certainly rather a poser.— But, my dear Scratch, you must
risk something for your master. Think, devise something so you run no
risk.
Scratch
Listen—get me a doctor's outfit. I'd rather appear before him in
that way than like a cadaver. For the rest, I'll get out of it the
best way I can. I was almost caught by the pills. I'll escape by some
other remedy.
Gerald
I'll go get the outfit you want. Now, go to my father's to get the
money he promised you. Quite possibly, we'll have real need of it.
Scratch
I'm going—but teach me a bit of Latin. How to say, "I am a
doctor."
Gerald
Sure. Medicus Sum
Scratch
Medicus Sum. Medicus Sum.
Gerald
Very good.
(Exit Gerald.)
Scratch
Enough! Goodbye. Go think about the costume, and I will go to your
father. Medicus Sum, Medicus Sum. What a nice thing to know Latin.
Have to repeat, so as not to forget. Medicus Sum, Medicus Sum. That's
it. Let's go see Mr. Loveless. But, I see him coming.
(Enter Loveless and Martin.)
Loveless
What are you doing in this place?
Scratch
Sir, I got bored at home and took a walk.
Loveless
Where is your master—tell me?
Scratch
What a fine question! He's at Oxford. Will you please give me the
money so I can go back?
Loveless
Oh, yeah—tell me—where does he lodge at Oxford?
Scratch
He lodges near the university.
Loveless
What's the name of the street?
Scratch
The street?
Loveless
Yes.
Scratch
Oh—the name—the name— You were there before me, you know it
well.
Loveless
But now?
Scratch
It escapes me. There are rascally names in that city which are
difficult to retain, and I don't know how to get them into my head.
And besides, I don't care. What's the good of fussing about these
bastards of names? He stays where he stays.
Martin
He's quite right.
Scratch
Damn—shut up—or, you will see. Now—
Loveless
Patience.
Scratch
What I don't like is for him to mess into something which is none
of his business.
Loveless
Shut up! What does your master do most of the time?
Scratch
He studies—he often dines with people who speak Latin like the
very devil. That I find funny—cause when they quarrel, it's as if
they were strangling, and the whites of their eyes show. Afterwards,
they calm down by each drinking five or six draughts.
Loveless
Not a bad story—but now, two or three persons have told me that
he is in this city, and that they have seen him.
Scratch
Whoever said that's a liar, and I will defy him before all of
England.
Loveless
We're not getting anywhere. Confess the truth. He's here?
Scratch
I don't confess anything, because it isn't true.
Loveless
Oh, I know everything. If you continue to pretend—
Scratch
You want me, then, to say something which isn't true?
Loveless
I've been lied to.
Scratch
Whatever you please, but it isn't true, it isn't.
Martin
Sir, leave this impudent fellow—he'll put you in an unreasoning
rage.
Scratch
Impertinent! Damn—you liar—I'm going to let you have a taste of
my knuckles.
(Martin and Scratch start to fight.)
Loveless (separating them with his cane)
Rogues, if you do not stop, I will give you a beating. Ah,
damn—it's too much. Scratch, if your master isn't in London, I order
you to go find him at Oxford, and tell him that when he lets me know
his address, I will send him money by a banker in that city.
Scratch
But, sir—
Loveless
Don't talk anymore—don't come near my house if you don't want to
get beat up.
Scratch
If you beat me, I don't know what I'll do.
Loveless
What will you do?
Scratch (shoving Martin)
I'll warm him up like the devil.
Loveless
Why did you do that to him?
Scratch
Hey, why do you plan to beat me?
Loveless
Because you're a cheat.
Scratch
Then, because he's a toady, and want to see me beaten.
Loveless (raising his cane)
I will teach you—
Scratch
Teach—and see if I don't teach you back—
Loveless
Ah, God, I cannot suffer anymore of this.
(Loveless attempts to beat Scratch with his cane. Scratch breaks
his head and causes Loveless to fall, then Scratch punches Martin and
Martin falls on the other side. Exit Scratch.)
Martin
Ah, the traitor. I believe he's crippled me with a single blow.
Loveless
Martin, come help me to get up.
Martin
Hey, sir, I need someone to help me up, meself.
Loveless (getting up, aided by Martin)
The rogue—he will pay.
Martin
When I catch up with him, then he'll repent.
Loveless
I've hurt my shoulder falling.
Martin
And me—I believe my jaw's broken.
Loveless
He gave us a furious blow.
Martin
With all his might.
Loveless
Patience.
Martin
It's necessary to have a rematch: me against him.
Loveless
Go see if Dr. Bloodgood is at home.
Martin
What, sir? You wish to speak to him again about your marriage,
after his wife has said "never" to your face?
Loveless
No matter. I wish to try again—tentatively.
Martin
Very good. That's to say, you want to be refused again. And, you
enjoy hearing them chant your praises—rubbing your fur the wrong way.
Loveless
I admit to you, frankly, that I expect a refusal. But, I want to
have the pleasure of telling Dr. Bloodgood that I will never think of
him except as a man who is led around by the nose like a fool. That
will console me.
Martin
But, what good will that do?
Loveless
Just do what I say—see if he is at home.
Martin (knocking at Bloodgood's door)
Hallo!
Lettice (opening the door)
Who is it?
Martin
Is Doctor Bloodgood here?
Lettice
No. Who wants him?
Loveless
Me, my dear.
Lettice
He isn't in. Do you wish to speak to madam? She's upstairs
sleeping. I will go wake her.
Loveless
Let her sleep. My dear child, if you could, by your good offices,
get her to consent to give me Olivia, I would—
Lettice
Give you Olivia in marriage? What the devil's got into you at your
age?
Loveless
Really, I would—
Lettice
My word, whatever you would do would be worthless. But, do you
have anything else to say to me? I am going back in the house.
Loveless
My dear, say to Dr. Bloodgood that his friend, Loveless, came to
see him—and that I pray he thinks about what he promised me. Good
day, child.
(Exit Loveless and Martin. Enter Scratch, as a doctor, from the
opposite direction.)
Scratch (talking to someone offstage)
At home, at home, I tell you. I will reply to you in good time.
Lettice (hearing this, awaits Scratch)
What's up, Scratch—and how'd you get rigged up like this?
Scratch
I saw two people who told me they were studying medicine and asked
me advice about the—the—transconfusion of the blood. They insisted I
speak. Almost had to be rude to get away from them.
Lettice
What did they tell you?
Scratch
How the devil do I know. Arteries—littoral blood—arterial— An
escalation where the blood comes in— Something about an anima—animal
who doesn't know any better. The bad blood flowing back. The good in
the veins of some other animal. Now, devil take them with all their
arguments.
Lettice
You ought to prescribe pills.
Scratch
I would have, with all my heart, but they each had fifty in their
pockets.
Lettice (laughing)
But, why are your like this?
Scratch
To have easier access to your home, and to—
(Enter Loveless and Martin.)
Loveless (returning)
My dear Lettice, I had forgotten to give you this ring, but I wish
to—
(Scratch turns aside.)
Martin
Sir, if I'm not deceived, that's Scratch, dressed as a doctor.
Loveless
What the devil are you doing here in that outfit?
Scratch (gravely)
What do you want from me? Have you some secret illness? Speak, in
the absence of Dr. Bloodgood, I can give you some good advice.
Loveless
No, rogue—we are not ill.
Scratch
Rogue!
Loveless
Yes, rogue.
Scratch
Non sum rogus. Medicus Sum. Medicus Sum.
Loveless
You—a doctor!
Scratch
Yes, doctor—and you are an impertinent. ABACA, LOSTVOI,
BARITONAVII, PORLUTOM, Transconfusion. If you were sane, I would speak
to you about transconfusion and arterial. But, I can see what your
problem is. Go— take some pills.
Loveless
If I take a stick, I'll give you a terrible beating.
Lettice
Sir, come in and wait for our master inside. Leave these
extravagants—.
Scratch (entering the house with Lettice)
You're right. That's a better idea.
(Exit Lettice and Scratch into the house.)
Martin
Sir, I question whether that's Scratch. 'Cause he speaks Latin.
Loveless
Rest assured, it's him—and I think there must be some trick up. I
want to go in and find out what it is. (knocking at the door)
(Enter Lettice.)
Lettice
What do you want, sir? Do you want to quarrel with that honest man
who is in our home?
Loveless
He's a cheating valet.
Lettice
That's untrue—he's one of our master's colleagues. And you have a
bad grace to speak of him in that way. I will complain about all of
this as soon as—
(Enter Dr. Bloodgood.)
Bloodgood (speaking offstage)
I tell you that this is not possible, and you entertain a wild
opinion—
Loveless
Sir—
Bloodgood
You'd have to think a long time to imagine a thing so far from
common sense.
Loveless
Sir, I wish—
Bloodgood
Without a doubt, that visionary idea comes from a man with a
fever—a very hot fever.
Lettice
What's the matter with you, sir, that you carry on this way with
yourself?
Bloodgood
Some people have an opinion about transfusion which is so absurd,
so—
Lettice
They're crazy—
Bloodgood
Without a doubt.
Loveless
They're not unreasonable, because it's been publicly condemned,
you know.
(Enter Peg.)
Peg (to Lettice)
Dr. Bloodgood's here?
Lettice
There he is. Just in time.
Bloodgood
What do you want?
Peg
I want you hanged! You prescribed pills that almost killed me.
Bloodgood
Me?
Peg
You, you. Deceivers like you. You prescribe things that are wrong
and not indicated. Go—take them, and see what happens to you. Pills
for finding a lost dog!
Bloodgood
You're mistaken, I've never seen you.
Peg
Never! Didn't I just give you a silver crown?
Bloodgood
You're crazy.
Peg
You're lying and—
(Enter Big Tom.)
Tom
Ah, if I meet this Dr. Bloodgood, I am going to expose his
racket—
Peg
Hold—there he is.
Tom
By God, sir, you must be a complete fool to prescribe pills to
find out if a woman likes you. And, I was fool enough to take them.
They almost sent me to the next world—and I haven't yet returned.
Bloodgood
You're both crazy to speak to me like that. I don't know you.
Tom
Didn't I just give you a golden crown?
Peg
He'll deny everything—just like he did with me.
Bloodgood
You should be put in Bedlam—both of you— You're mad.
Tom
Damn! You're lying—I am not crazy. Peace on this nonsense, or I
will give you a taste of my stick on your ears.
Peg
And I—I will pull out your hair.
Bloodgood
This is too much to bear. Lettice, go find a constable.
Tom
Let her go, let her go. I will wait for him.
Peg
And me, too.
Tom
You see how these doctors kill people—and they're always so
plausible. By Jove, I want my gold crown back.
Lettice
My word, if you don't be quiet, I am going for the constable.
Tom
That's what I want.
Peg
And that's what I'm waiting for.
(Enter Augusta and Scratch from the house.)
Scratch
But, madam—
Augusta
Once more, sir. I don't want my daughter speaking to men tete a
tete. If you wish to see my husband, you can return when he's at home.
Scratch
Madam, can you believe that—
Augusta
I know what I believe. Once again—you can't come in when my
husband is not home.
Peg (to Big Tom)
It seems to me that face strongly resembles that of the doctor who
prescribed pills for me.
Tom
By Jove, it's the doctor who tried to kill me. Ah, deceiver—you
will give me back my money.
Peg
Mine, too. (taking Scratch by the collar) Ah, rogue! I've got you
now.
Scratch
Non sum rogus. Medicus Sum.
Bloodgood
Good people, you shouldn't maltreat a doctor like that—at least
let him explain his reasons.
Loveless
He's the valet of my son.
Peg
He's the doctor who prescribed pills for us.
Tom
And who has given me an awful pain.
Loveless
Rogue! Reply to all these charges.
Scratch
Sir, I can't pretend anymore. Your son never left London, because
of the love he had for Miss Olivia Bloodgood. She loves him
passionately —and they love each other. And, they coerced me and
several other people to serve them in their intrigues.
Augusta
My daughter loves your master?
Scratch
Yes, madam, and powerfully.
Augusta
As for the son—perhaps—but, the father must never hope to marry
Olivia.
Tom
But, why did you tell us to take pills? How could that advance the
intrigues of your master?
Scratch
Those are matters which I will explain at another time.
Bloodgood
You see how you blamed me without cause? Be good enough to come
back another time and I promise to satisfy you in one way or another.
Peg
I agree. But, don't fail.
Tom
I agree, too. But, no more pills, if you please.
Bloodgood
No. Good day.
(Exit Big Tom and Peg.)
Loveless
You say your master is deeply in love with Olivia?
Scratch
Yes, sir. And a hundred times more than I told you.
Loveless
Well—in that case, I can see I'll have to let him marry her—
providing the mother and father consent also.
Bloodgood
For me—I wish it with all my heart—providing, of course, my wife
wishes it.
Augusta
I don't really know if I should—
Bloodgood
But, wifey—
Augusta
Since you beg me, I will agree.
Loveless
Where's your master now?
Scratch
I see him coming. Just in time.
(Enter Gerald.)
Loveless
Welcome, gentleman from Oxford.
Gerald (hurling himself at his father's knees)
Ah, daddy—I ask your forgiveness.
Bloodgood
Hey, my God—let's leave this discussion. Let's go inside and talk
it all over at leisure.
Augusta
Good idea. Come. Go in.
Bloodgood
Go in, Mr. Loveless. The honor is yours.
Loveless
As you please—let's go in.
Scratch
Martin.
Martin
What do you want?
Scratch
Since all I did was crowned with success, by Jove, I'm going in,
too.
They all enter the Doctor's house as
CURTAIN FALLS
FINIS