Etext by Dagny
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THE COMICAL HISTORY OF DOCTOR FAUSTUS Based on an anonymous French play
CHARACTERS: Faustus The Devil The Devil's wife The Scullery Maid (Helen) The Waiting Maid The Student The Police Man The Devil's daughter Four men, four women TIME: The 15th Century
Dr. Faustus is seated before his table in his study. Faustus is dressed in a long black robe inscribed with magic symbols. On his desk there is a toad sleeping in the midst of a heap of books, horns, alembics, parchments, and magic wands. Near the open window a kettle is boiling over a small lighted furnace. Stewing in the kettle are some toads, some rats, and a ragout of disgusting vegetation. It happens that tonight the only light is from the weak furnace.
Faustus (wearily)
I don't understand why I seem to get weaker with each passing day.
I can hardly lift an arm or a leg. I can't run, I can't shout. I am
only comfortable while I am seated. I wonder if it's because I'm more
than a hundred years old? No! That can't possibly be it. A hundred
years is a reasonable age. (pondering) A hundred years. Methuselah was
a gay blade at that age. Why not Faustus? If I dye my hair a bit, I
can at least be more presentable. But this stuff takes a long time to
work. I didn't put enough toads in it. For a glossy black, which is
what I need, there has to be plenty of toad. Come, let us see how my
little brew is doing. (rising pitifully and waddling to the kettle)
Ah, ah— what an effort! That's not to say I've become old so soon. To
the contrary— (watching the kettle) There, there. The mixture is very
black. (dipping in and putting some on his beard) Put a little on the
end of my beard as a test. What, what? The color isn't taking. Bah!
Everything's difficult as you get older. Never mind, probably just not
enough toads. People believe in my magical powers and I can't even
brew up a hair dye. What an Alchemist. So, so,—everything has to be
done over again. (grabs the toad on his desk and drops it in the pot)
Too bad, I liked that toad. Made a good pet. (stirring the kettle,
then dipping in) Let's have another go at it. Damn! My beard is just
as grey as before. The situation is clearly desperate. The Devil alone
could restore my vigor and youth. Yes, the Devil alone. (laughing
ironically) But behold, for the last eighty years I've told the world
that the Devil is my particular friend, and that he obeys my every
command. The whole gullible world believes me. Unfortunately, there's
not a word of truth in it. If I'd spoken the truth—told everyone that
my work was based on my knowledge of science—who would have believed
me? What a shame, what a shame not to have the Devil at my beck and
call.
(Thunder, wind, lightning.)
(The Devil enters.)
Faustus
But who is this who comes in by the window?
Devil
Dear Doctor Faustus, you wanted to see me?
Faustus (alarmed)
Who the Devil are you?
Devil
The Devil, who else?
Faustus
The Devil? Get out! (aside) I am very frightened. (aloud) You look
frightful and you smell as if you'd been scorched.
Devil (annoyed)
A nice way you have of greeting me! You, a man who has pretended
for nearly eighty years to be one of my intimates.
Faustus
You're some student joker bent on mocking me! Get out or I'll call
the police.
Devil
At this hour the police are asleep, as good citizens should be.
Don't be a child.
Faustus
Oh—at my age!
Devil
Exactly—at your age it's perfectly natural for you to be a child.
But try, at least make an effort, to be a bit rational! You have lived
your life as a sorcerer and boasted of being my dear friend. Now all
your lies are about to become reality. Evasion and cowardice are
unworthy of both of us. Don't spoil our relationship right from the
start.
Faustus
What do you want from me?
Devil
A simple Yes or No answer to a question. NO evasions!
Faustus
Put your question
Devil
Do you want to be young again? Yes or No?
Faustus
I am trembling. Give me time to pull myself together.
Devil
I should be delighted to accommodate you, but I really haven't any
time to lose. I came to Earth unbeknownst to my wife. You pick a fine
time, I must say, to come to your crisis. So I came immediately, and I
have hardly five minutes. Reply quickly. If it is Yes, I will return
to Hell, ask my wife for permission to return, and I will be back
immediately. It's Yes?
Faustus
Yeahhh—that is to say—
Devil
That is to say: Yes! We have a contract. Very well then, you will
become young again. No more age, no more infirmities. You sell me your
soul—but I don't get it for a hundred years.
Faustus
Only a hundred years?
Devil
That's a long time. Do you want to live forever? Come on, sign
right here.
Faustus (signing)
What an adventure! What an adventure!
Devil
It's a great adventure! The best deal you ever made. You won't
regret it a bit. Satisfaction guaranteed. Bye bye. Till we meet again.
Arriverderci, a bientot.
(Wind and thunder. The Devil leaves as precipitously as he came.)
Faustus
He's gone! What a funny Devil—who cannot do anything without his
wife's permission. Is this the power which the whole world dreads?
Bah! I was probably dreaming. I think my head is turning. Still, I
feel younger by the minute. But who would believe the Devil could be
so stupid? I hope I won't live to regret this. What an adventure!
CURTAIN
The Gates of Hell. The Devil is knocking at the gate.
Devil (anguished)
What's happened? Impossible to open. Hell and Damnation! My wife
must have realized I was gone! Now she's shut the gate with a double
lock! She's probably taking an evil pleasure in watching me freeze out
here! (knocking again) It's me! (teeth chattering) I AM NOT USED TO
THE COLD! I'm going to catch my death—a chest cold for sure. Earth is
never warm enough. How humans stand that ice box I just don't know. No
wonder they all wind up being damned. They probably do it just to
escape the cold. At least we keep a good fire going down here, nobody
has ever complained about that in my little hotel. (teeth chattering)
IT'S ME! I love my wife with all my heart—but what a nasty
disposition. (knocking again)
Wife (from within)
Who is it?
Devil (coaxingly)
It's mee.
Wife (sweetly)
What do you mean mee? That doesn't mean anything. (indignantly)
Me, indeed!
Devil
It's me, your adored husband.
Wife
Adored—adored? Where have you been, you shameless old goat?
Devil
Shameless old goat! There isn't anyone in Hell more virtuous than
I am!
Wife
You haven't answered my question—snake in the grass!
Devil
Snake! What a slander—just because once, in the Garden of Eden, I
was obliged to assume that form you never let me forget it. That was
years ago—
Wife
Stop prevaricating and tell me where you've been.
Devil
Quit simply, on Earth.
Wife
For how long have you been gone without my permission?
Devil
Only five minutes
Wife
Five minutes too long!
Devil
A most imperative matter—
Wife
I know your imperative matters! What was the pretty little
sinner's name? I know your tricks. There's no one more clumsy than
you. No wonder you lost the battle for Heaven. Even I can see through
you.
Devil
If you say so! Please open for me. If you don't, I am going to
faint.
(The gate opens and the Devil's wife, a slatternly charwoman
appears.)
Wife
All right. I'll let you in. But only because I would have to take
care of you if you fall sick.
Devil
Ah, thanks, my sweet, adored help mate. (trying to embrace her)
Wife
Hands off! Don't come near me till you explain where you've been.
Devil
With an old gentleman.
Wife
That's no explanation. And no excuse.
Devil
Dearie, my clients are few and far between. We're living in an
aggravating, atheistical age. No one even thinks of selling his soul
to the Devil anymore. I need some human fuel for my fires. So when an
opportunity came to ensnare an old impostor who has been pretending to
be one of my company—
Wife
What's all this? Who is this impostor?
Devil
It's the famous Doctor Faustus.
Wife
Never heard of him.
Devil
What? He's an international celebrity.
Wife
I read all the gossip columns. If there was such a man I'd have
heard of him. What does he do?
Devil
But—
Wife
Just tell me what he does—if he's so famous?
Devil
He's a magician. An alchemist.
Wife
Go ahead, try to fool me. You'll never pull the wool over my eyes
with such nonsense.
Devil
You're not being fair!
Wife
Not being fair! That's what you think—you nasty old goat!
Devil
Now, just a minute!
Wife
When I think that you gave up a nice job as an angel in
Heaven—and that from jealousy—
Devil
The pay wasn't that good, and it had no visibility!
Wife
—you preferred to be a fallen angel.
Devil
At least I have a leading role. It's my first starring role. The
job has high visibility. It's got a future.
Wife
And me—I thought I'd lord it over all my friends, marrying the
most feared creature in the world. And look what I got. (passionately)
I wish I'd never married an imbecile like you.
Devil (his feelings hurt, almost sobbing)
Oh—
Wife
If mankind knew what you are really like, they'd be so scared, ha!
Devil
But they don't, so everything's all right.
Wife
But I know the truth, and I am the most unhappy woman in the
world!
Devil
Listen, my sweet better half—
Wife
Your sweet better half is broken hearted.
Devil
Let's go in. There, that's better. What a nice warmth, here.
Everything is going to be just fine. I love it here.
Wife (sobbing)
If you meant that, you wouldn't try to leave.
Devil
But I only leave on business—to scout some new recruits. How else
can we keep the home fires burning?
Wife
She's probably very pretty—your recruit.
Devil
It's a man, I tell you.
Wife
What about Lucrezia Borgia?
Devil
What about her?
Wife
You really liked recruiting her, didn't you?
Devil
I had to spend a lot of time with her, I admit. But it was all
business. Now, be a good girl and pack my trunk.
Wife
What—you intend to go again?
Devil
To bring back Doctor Faustus.
Wife
Since when can't they come alone? They have to be escorted?
Devil
What do you want? You have to observe the conventions with the
rich and famous. I don't want a bad reputation, you know.
Wife
You're full of it!
Devil
I swear as I am a fallen angel that I am sincere.
Wife
A pretty fallen angel. Used horns, a goat's nose, an ass's ears,
body as hairless as a chihuahua, and a threadbare shirt under his
coat, and the tail of a sick lion. Ah, why do I waste my time worrying
about your escapades? What old wife would want you. Truly, you haven't
the least to recommend you in the way of looks.
Devil (nettled)
I beg to differ. I have the beauty of Satan.
Wife
Conceited ass! One more word and I won't pack your trunk—and
what's more, I'll shut you outside in the cold! With a double lock!
Devil
I'll shut up, I'll shut up, I'll shut up.
Wife
Good. Shut up.
Devil
I am shut up.
Wife
Enough.
Devil
Agreed.
Wife (exasperated)
Then, shut up.
Devil
Right.
Wife
Stupid man.
Devil
Whatever you say.
Wife
Will you shut up?
Devil
Yes, to obey you.
Wife
Not a word.
Devil
Not a syllable.
Wife
Damn!
Devil
Damn, indeed. Double damn.
Wife
I'm having trouble making myself understood.
Devil
Oh, I understand you well enough.
Wife
Enough.
Devil
What were we talking about?
Wife
You infuriate me.
Devil
Me! I haven't said a word.
Wife
Don't open your mouth.
Devil
Right, I'll keep it closed.
Wife
CLOSE IT, BUT DON'T SAY IT!
Devil
Hmmm.
Wife
Ah, did you finally understand? Not a minute too soon. Wait while
I get your trunk. But I warn you, if you don't bring back your
celebrity—your famous Dr. Faustus in twenty-four hours, I am going to
lock the door and let you croak of cold.
(She goes in and shuts the gate in his face.)
Devil
Ah, what a situation! She wants me to bring him back in
twenty-four hours—but the contract says he has a hundred years. What
a fuss she'll put up if she finds out. I tremble just thinking about
it. Better not tell her until after I'm well on my way. I'll write her
a letter—but not before I get to Earth. Bah! It's no fun being the
Devil. I really love my wife, and I never tire of saying so— But she
complicates my life.
(The Gates open and the Devil's daughter appears. A pretty little
she devil of fifteen.)
Daughter
My Papa—my lovely, darling Papa.
Devil
Here's my little girl! My little biddy-bitch.
Daughter
My Papa, my darling little Papa. Mama told me you're going on a
trip. Where are you going, my darling little Papa? Tell your daughter
who loves you.
Devil
I'm going to Frankfurt, then to Mainz, then to Strasbourg.
Daughter
Are you going to bring back some presents for you know who?
Devil (absently)
Naturally, naturally.
Daughter
You could sound more enthusiastic than that!
Devil (raising his voice)
Naturally, naturally.
Daughter (bursting into tears)
How loud you shout. You seem so angry.
Devil
No, no—I'm not angry at all.
Daughter (tapping her foot)
Yes, you are angry. You are not nice to me.
Devil
Shut up. If your mother hears, I'll be in for another scene.
Daughter (crying I'll shut up.
Devil
Enough
Daughter
All right.
Devil
Well, shut up then.
Daughter
Yes, Papa.
Devil
God, you can be so stupid—
Daughter
Agreed.
Devil
Are you going to shut up?
Daughter
Yes, to obey you.
Devil
Not another word.
Daughter
Not a syllable.
Devil
Damn!
Daughter
Double damn!
Devil
I'm having trouble making myself understood.
Daughter
Oh, I understand you perfectly.
Devil
Enough. You infuriate me.
Daughter
But, I didn't' say one word.
Devil
Don't open your mouth.
Daughter
All right—I'll shut up.
Devil
Shut it, but don't say it. Good. (silence) Now, tell me what you
would like. (silence) Answer me. (silence) ANSWER ME!
Daughter
Hmmm.
Devil
I'm tired of all this. Now, what were we talking about? (silence)
Why do you stay silent? (silence) TALK! (aside) I could easily
strangle her!
Daughter (in a monotone)
I am being quiet to obey you.
Devil
Your mother will be coming back soon. I don't want any more of her
scenes. I ask you politely—tell me what we were talking about. It's
simple, and I don't see why you have to complicate things.
Daughter
Papa—let me hug you. (throwing herself on him, hugging him)
Always hug your Daddy when you ask him to do something.
Devil
Easy, easy. You'll tear my shoulders off with your claws.
Daughter
You'll get me what I ask you to?
Devil
Yes, yes. You know I always do. I am a martyr to your affection.
My back is all scratched up.
Daughter
I will let you go. But listen closely— (hurriedly) I want a
pretty white gown with Hungarian stitching, and yellow and rose
furbelows for when I get married.
Devil (writing in a notebook)
White gown. How do you spell furbelows? Never mind, I know.
Daughter
I want a silk dress—purple, with white bells on the sleeves for
going to balls. I want a dress for wearing everyday—red with black
braids and stripes—made of wool. I want feathers for my hats,
slippers for my feet, stockings, corsets, and—unmentionables.
Devil
But—
Daughter
That's it for clothes. I want a crystal service from Bohemia and
one of porcelain from Saxony. And a French one with country scenes.
Devil
I—
Daughter
That's it for china. I want two armchairs. Modern style with arms
made to look like swans. I want a table and a sofa. You pick them out.
I want a bed shaped like a dragon ship—
Devil
But—
Daughter
That's it for furniture. I want a lot of tasty sauces from
Frankfurt, some sauerkraut from Strasbourg—because I love it! I want
some pate and salad dressing. I want Munster cheese and some cordials.
Devil
I—
Daughter
That's it for food. I want a harp, a flute, and a hunting horn—to
give concerts. I don't know how to play these instruments, but I
intend to learn. I want a game of checkers and chess, I forgot to tell
you that I also want an armoire with glass inlay—
Devil
I— (aside) This will take a century to fill. (aloud) You tire me
out.
Daughter
Oh, don't refuse. It's so simple for you to get all that. Oh,
Papa, I will hug you so, so tight! (hugging him again)
(The Devil screams.)
Devil
Whoa! Whoa! I'll bring you everything you ask. Just let me go.
Daughter (releasing him)
I almost forgot something important. The most important thing, in
fact. I want a husband.
Devil
A husband! You're too young.
Daughter (crying)
I want one.
Devil
But getting married is a serious business.
Daughter
I don't want to marry any of the fiends around here.
Devil
I know you're too good for them. But I've never even thought about
it.
Daughter
I know you're returning with the famous Doctor Faustus, he's a
celebrity—and you've made him young and good looking. I'll go ape
over him. I am bored in Hell. Hell is only a rotisserie for
unscrupulous persons. There's nothing to do here but attend barbecues.
Bring this Doctor Faustus. Pull him along by his ears. I want him at
all costs.
Devil
But—
Daughter
Don't interrupt me! If you can't pull him here by the ears—push
him in front of you and kick him in the ass!
Devil
But—
Daughter
Don't interrupt me or I'll hug you.
Devil
Oh, all right. Just don't do that. Do you really want him so much?
Daughter
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Devil
Then you shall have him. Did I ever prevent you from having
something you wanted?
Daughter
Oh, Daddy, Daddy.
(Enter the Devil's wife.)
Wife (sourly)
Your trunk is ready. Go to the Devil and good riddance.
Devil
Thanks with all my heart, sweetie.
Daughter (kissing him)
There. Don't forget the gifts.
Devil
Rest assured, baby, rest assured.
Daughter
Write it down so you won't forget.
Devil
I won't forget a thing! Goodbye, my adored spouse.
Wife
Goodbye, goodbye. I won't keep you.
Devil
Goodbye, my sweet daughter.
Daughter
Bye, Papa, bye. I won't keep you any longer. I can't wait for you
to come back with all my presents—especially my husband.
Wife
Say what! You'd better remember to bring some gifts for me, too.
Devil
That goes without saying.
Daughter
See you soon, Papa.
Wife
Oh—no sentiment. It's not worth the trouble. (slamming the door
in his face)
CURTAIN
The kitchen of an Inn in Germany. Faustus, young again, is pursuing Helen, a slatternly cook.
Faustus
Madame, you please me strangely.
Helen (escaping him)
Thank you. The Herr Doktor is very kind.
Faustus (annoyed by her running away)
Am I not a pleasing person?
Helen
My word—the Herr Doktor isn't hard to look at.
Faustus
Your words heat my blood. I am become lyrical:
Was this the face that launched a thousand ships
And toppled the topless towers of Ilium? Fair Helen, angel of
sweetness, (kneeling) more beautiful than Venus, come live with me and
be my love.
Helen (suspicious, jealous)
Who is this Venus?
Faustus
A goddess, dear angel.
Helen (very suspicious)
This goddess is a woman?
Faustus
No. (aside) I don't understand why I am never attracted to an
educated woman. It's so hard to make love to a scullery maid. You have
to explain the simplest things.
Helen (puzzled)
What is she then?
Faustus
I will explain to you in the quiet of my room. With silent
gestures.
Helen
How are you going to explain to me if you are being quiet? (aside)
These savants are fools. Why do they always love me? You'd think
they'd want an educated woman as strange as they are. (notching up her
stocking) What do they want from me?
Faustus
Dear angel, don't ask so many questions. You will know everything.
(Enter Marguerite, the waitress.)
Marguerite
Three slices of veal and two slices of beef—from the students.
Faustus
Why won't they ever leave me alone?
Marguerite
And a dozen sauces—compliments of the students.
Faustus (aside, ogling her)
She doesn't look bad at all. (putting his arm around her)
Marguerite, for me the happy life.
Marguerite
What! What? Does the Herr Doktor pinch my bottom? (slapping him
and boxing his ear) How dare you?
Faustus (aside)
Such are the inconveniences of youth. The ladies never slapped me
when I was old. Now, I get no respect.
(Marguerite carries out the plates in a huff.)
Helen
The Herr Doktor loves cheap sluts from what I can see.
Faustus
Only to excite your jealousy, dear angel.
Helen
To excite the inclinations of the Herr Doktor!
Faustus
Don't scold me, sweet thing. Time passes so quickly that we must
not wait. Be the companion of my life. Come into the ship of my love,
fair Helena, and we will sail on the wine dark seas of
happiness.
Helen
The way you talk! I'll never leave the country. I don't like to
travel by boat. I get seasick.
Faustus
Your refusal agitates me unspeakably. Your refusal exasperates my
love. You turn my head to your rightside. (throwing himself on her) I
will rape you just as Paris did those many thousand years ago.
Helen (braining Faustus with a skillet)
Ah, Herr Doktor, leave my rightside and my backside alone. I hope
I didn't hurt you.
(Enter Marguerite.)
Marguerite
A slice of pork and two slices of goose—from the students.
Faustus
Why am I persecuted by those infernal students?
Marguerite
The Herr Doktor likes a dirty frying pan from what I see.
Helen (angrily)
A frying pan is better than a cheap dishcloth.
Marguerite
Each to his taste. A greasy old frying pan disgusts me.
Helen
And a filthy dishcloth disgusts me.
Faustus
Come—adorable nymphs. No need to fight over me. (to Marguerite,
fondling her) There's something about you that interests me.
Marguerite
Just try it! I will throw your pork chops in your face!
Faustus
There, there—don't get so excited.
Marguerite
I am not that kind of girl. I am honest!
Helen
Honest. She steals money from all the customers.
Marguerite
And she—she earns money from the customers, if you conceive me.
And, besides that she spits in the customers' soup.
Helen
Only if I don't like them. And as to earning money, you slut—
Faustus
How such distinguished ladies as yourselves can say such things—
Marguerite
I do my duty waiting tables, and I don't let the customers mess
around with me—or come in my kitchen— (picking up some plates and
leaving)
Faustus
This is a most regrettable incident.
Helen
You are not a serious person.
Faustus
It's because of my youth. I lead an agitated life. I am in the
whirlwind of pleasures.
Helen
Bah! That's not me. I don't find this hot stove too much fun.
Faustus (kneeling)
It's but for you, dear friend, to give this furnace up, and come
to perfumed halls. Just give ear to my ardent desires. I am burning
for you.
Helen (pushing her hair out of her eyes)
As if I weren't hot enough with this stove!
Faustus (pathetically)
Understand me.
Helen
I understand that if the dishrag comes back you'll pinch her ass.
Faustus
But I'd rather pinch yours. Do you want money? I'll buy a little
twenty room house for you—with lots and lots of stoves—and you can
make as many dishes as you like.
Helen
I still have to work with an oven? It's hardly worth the trouble.
Faustus
It will be a life of moonlight and honey. A honeymoon, if I may
invent such a word.
Helen
The moon, the moon. It's all moonshine.
Faustus
If you like, you can have a servant.
Helen
Naturally—moonshine.
Faustus
Your resistance is bursting my arteries, my veins, my tendons, my
muscles, my stomach, my intestines, my lungs, my nose, my mouth, my
ears—in short—all my organs internal and external! You must give up
because of the extraordinary state you have put me in through your
attractions. I resent your divine beauty, your matchless eyes, your
ivory skin—
(The Student puts his head in the door.)
Student
Pardon me, may I come in?
Faustus (aside)
Will they never leave me in peace?
Student (aside)
The famous doktor in luff with a scullery wench!
Faustus
What can I do for you my young friend? I tell you now, I am not
taking any more apprentices, so don't waste your time asking. I know
you'll tell me you'll work hard—and I believe you, although they all
say that. And I know you'll say, that your respect for me is such that
you wish to follow me, forever, as my disciple—
Student
I—
Faustus
Perfectly useless to plead with me.
Student
I—
Faustus
My heart is made of iron, young man.
Student
May I say I only want—
Faustus
Oh, I know you only want to sit at my feet—
Student
A head of cheese.
Faustus
What?
Student
I came to get a head of cheese.
Faustus
Why don't you ask the maid?
Student
Gretchen said she didn't dare come in the kitchen. She said: Go if
you want to. Let him pinch your ass.
Faustus
My dear young friend, you don't imagine that I would take the same
innocent freedom with you that I practice on the wenches?
Student
The whole world loves to joke, Herr Doktor. I don't know why the
maid is so afraid of you. After all, you would be doing her ass an
honor.
Faustus
Explain that to the cook. She knows ways to inflame me for her.
Helen
What do you want, Herr Doktor? I spend all my time over this
blasted oven, and when you talk of burning desires, I hesitate.
Faustus
My young friend, witness the power of love. This sentiment exalts
the human species. Me—the famous Doctor Faustus, here I am, trembling
like a leaf before this wench who cannot make up her mind whether she
prefers me or this old oven.
(A bell sounds the curfew.)
Student
Quick—my head of cheese. The curfew is sounding. I will hardly
have time to eat it before the watch is here to order the dining room
closed for the night.
(The Student runs out munching his head of cheese.)
Faustus
Yes or No, my beautiful angel. Will you spend the night with me
tonight?
Helen
Well—
Faustus
Well—what?
Helen
I don't know how to tell the Herr Doktor—
Faustus
You're afraid of your virtue, perhaps?
Helen
My word, not at all!
Faustus
Ah, so much the better. I always dread that obstacle. Well—why
this hesitation that roasts me over a slow fire?
Helen
It's just that—
Faustus (dying with impatience)
What is it?
(A Policeman pokes his head in the door.)
Policeman
Excuse me, may I come in?
Faustus (whining)
Why won't they leave me alone?
Policeman
A man here! Helen, who is this man?
Helen
It's the famous Doktor Faustus.
Policeman
Helen, do you take me for a fool? If you think that I
believe you, you must imagine you can make me believe anything. Would
the famous Doktor Faustus be prostrating himself with a kitchen
wench? You and I, me and you—we go together. And this gentleman
here—cannot be a gentleman or he wouldn't be here. This is a skirt
chaser who wants to take you from me. I am going to split his head
open with my baton—because I am a man of honor.
Helen
Ohh, Maximilian— Don't make a scene!
Policeman
Yes, I am going to make a scene!
Helen
Maximilian, take it easy. The Herr Doktor is bigger than you are.
Besides, he consorts with the devil. He will make a scene.
Faustus (flexing his muscles)
Exactly. I am big, too. I've been working out a lot, lately. I
used to study too much.
Policeman
His arm is not longer or stronger than my nightstick. (threatening
Faustus)
Faustus
Hey, there, my friend. Just watch what you're doing.
(Faustus seizes the nightstick and takes it away from Maximilian.)
Policeman (pulling)
Release my weapon.
Faustus
Never in your life. I am going to make you eat it.
Policeman
Sir, you are a coward. You take advantage because I don't know how
to use my stick properly.
Faustus
Your last hour has struck!
Policeman
I am going to scream for help.
Helen
Maximilian, don't make any noise. Your fellow police might hear
you.
Policeman
But he's going to kill me!
Helen
Herr Doktor, have pity on my husband.
Faustus
What do I hear? Your husband? Is this wretch your husband?
Helen
That was what I didn't know how to tell you.
Faustus
Why, I have almost committed a sin!
Policeman (kneeling)
Sir, have pity on a policeman—incapable of any police brutality.
Faustus
Infamous coward. You lack honor and courage. The likes of you are
charged with protecting the security of citizens!
Policeman
I'm peaceable by nature. I got my job through my uncle. I really
didn't want to take it, but they forced me. I was just following
orders.
Faustus
Ah, you are peaceable by nature. You tremble like jelly. Then I
hesitate no longer. I have the power. Choose. Either prepare to die or
resign your wife to me.
Policeman
I choose not to die. (aside) I thought he was going to give me a
hard choice.
Helen
The great Doktor Faustus is right, Maximilian,—you are a coward.
I must be strong for both of us.
Policeman
Yes, yes, be strong, be strong.
Helen
In prostituting myself to Doktor Faustus, I am only thinking of
you.
Policeman
Divine goodness.
Faustus
Ah, dear angel, dear lady, I am going to show you the great life.
Youth is wonderful. To have the most beautiful of women at your beck
and call. (leading Helen off, aside) After I'm through with this one,
I'll come back for Gretchen.
(Exit Faustus and Helen.)
Policeman (getting up and going to the door)
They're gone. What a relief. I've never been so scared in my life.
Danger has taught me to take a middle course. I almost wet my pants.
This young Doktor Faustus is a roaring lion—and I am only a sheep.
(opening the door and calling in a soft voice) Gretchen, Gretchen.
(Marguerite comes in stealthily.)
Marguerite
Did you call me, Maximilian?
Policeman
Yes, my sweet. We've just had a piece of good luck.
Marguerite
What is it, Maximilian?
Policeman
I've just made a wonderful arrangement with the famous Doktor
Faustus.
Marguerite
Ach?
Policeman
I gave him permission to relieve me of my wife. Now, you and I are
no longer encumbered by her presence.
Marguerite
Ah, so much the better! At least you have no taste for a greasy
frying pan.
Policeman
Everything happened in the most agreeable way. This Herr Doktor is
really quite the gentleman. As a personal favor to me—
Marguerite
Quite the gentleman! Hah! He pinched my ass!
Policeman
Gretchen—what are you saying? I feel that I am about to roar like
a like. Where's my nightstick—it seems he took it. But never mind. I
am going to divide this famous Faustus into several parts. First, I'll
knock him down, then after he begs for mercy, I'll—
Marguerite
Oh, Maximilian, don't make scenes!
Policeman
All right. For your sake. But I am really furious.
Marguerite
He's punished enough. Consider, he has to live with your wife.
Come to my arms, Maximilian. You're so handsome in your uniform.
Policeman (embracing her)
Ah, I've been waiting for this for so long.
CURTAIN
Faustus' study, as in the first act. Faustus is old again.
Faustus
It's really curious how time flies. To think that it's now over
ninety years since I ravished Helen from her police office husband;
that it's seventy years since I stole off with Gretchen, that it's
fifty years since I took that little haberdasher's wife; that it's
forty years since I ran off with the humpbacked lady who made winding
sheets for the dead, and that it's nearly thirty years since I ran off
with that stinking cowherd girl who lived nearby. Ah, what a fine
life! But I have spent my best years. I have had splendid and
distinguished amours almost without cease. Not to mention the honors I
have won with my alchemy. (pause) Unfortunately, time goes by and I've
gotten old again. Yet, I cling tenaciously to life. I still don't
permit myself to have a white beard or white hair. I've got a new dye.
This time I have the formula more exactly. Let's just dip our beard in
the goo again—
(Thunder and lightning. The Devil appears again.)
Devil
I salute you Herr Doktor Faustus.
Faustus
What? Why? Who gave you permission to enter in this way?
Devil
Don't you recognize me?
Faustus
What brings you here?
Devil
Behold this parchment, Faustus. It is signed in your blood, and
under seal.
Faustus
So? It's only ninety years ago. Time passes quickly, no need to
renew it yet.
Devil
That's not my opinion. A hundred years on Earth is a long time.
Some poor Devil could catch his death of cold. I've waited on you.
Why, do you never tire of living? What's wrong with you, man? And here
I am, freezing. Your sun is a weak light compared to my furnace. I
really don't know how you stand it. I offer you nice warm
accommodations. Follow me. I must get home immediately—my wife is
probably already in one of her states. We haven't a moment to lose.
Faustus
Tell me, dear friend, would you consider signing a
contract—renewing the contract—for another hundred years. I promise
to sin most abominably. I am sure I can damn myself more
irredeemably—
Devil
Ah, dear Doktor, I cannot trick you! You've already lived two
hundred years. Content yourself. Besides, how can life be so sweet in
this cold climate that you always want to start over again?
Faustus
It's not that sweet—but one clings to it.
Devil
A contract is a contract. The farce is over.
Faustus
Don't you know that the customer is always right. Don't be
inexorable.
Devil
I am only being just. Besides, although I'd like to accommodate
you, I cannot be sure my wife will wait a moment longer. I hope you
will be honorable enough to come with me willingly.
Faustus
Oh, very well. But I cannot recommend you to any of my friends
after this. How do we get there?
Devil
Give me your hand.
Faustus (giving him his hand)
I say—your hand's awfully cold, dear fellow. Do you have a chill?
Devil
That's a mere detail. Don't worry. You will see Hell's charms. You
will find many agreeable people there. And not a prude in the whole
lot. Come on.
(Thunder and lightning. Blackout as the Devil and Faustus disappear
in smoke.)
CURTAIN
The scene is before the Gates of Hell. Enter the Devil and Faustus. Faustus is too hot, the Devil is feeling better for the first time.
Devil
Here we are. All we have to do is get in. (knocks—silence) Nobody
answers. I know there's somebody home. That is not a good sign.
(knocks again—silence) What a situation. What a situation.
Faustus
Perhaps, if nobody's home—we should go back to Earth.
Devil (knocking)
Not on your life! We'll just have to persist.
Faustus
You'll wear yourself out. Why go to so much trouble?
Devil
Damn. I hear a footstep.
Faustus
What a shame.
Wife (sweetly)
Who is there?
Devil
It's us.
Wife
Who is Us?
Devil
Doktor Faustus and your adored husband.
(The door begins to open.)
Wife (sticking her head out)
What? Is this the hour you have chosen to return?
Devil
It's not so late.
Wife
Oh—don't talk! You were supposed to return in twenty-four hours
and bring back a celebrity.
Devil
I explained in my letter. Here's the celebrity. The world famous
Doktor Faustus.
Wife
What? You kept me waiting a hundred years to return with this old
fart?
Devil
Patience, my dear spouse.
Wife
Patience! What do you think we can do with parchment skin like
that? He won't keep the furnace lit for five minutes. Won't burn.
Faustus
This is outrageous! What a way for a man of my notoriety to be
received.
Devil
Please, calm yourself, Doktor.
Faustus
It's all very well to be damned— But must one be insulted? It's
not in the contract, sir.
Devil
Don't get upset, Doktor. My wife is a little lively, but at bottom
she's an excellent person and you will be the best of friends in no
time.
Wife
Not on your life. This old goat is disgusting.
Faustus
Why—why, (speechless) madam!
Devil
Don't pay any attention, dear Doktor. It's only a word.
(A bony old maid suddenly comes in. It's the Devil's daughter.)
Daughter
My Daddy, my dearest Daddy. I've waited so long. Show me the
presents you promised.
Devil
Who is this old fury?
Wife
Your daughter. Don't you recognize her, you imbecile?
Devil
How can I recognize her? She is unrecognizable. This is a mystery.
Wife
No mystery at all. She's more than a hundred years old.
Devil
Hell and damnation! I see it all now. My daughter has grown into
an old woman.
Daughter
Oh, Papa, you are naughty, so naughty.
Devil
Why am I naughty?
Daughter
You are worse than that. You are diabolic.
Faustus
I'm sure they'd be surprised by these family horrors on Earth.
Daughter (prancing with rage)
Where is the handsome man I've been waiting to marry for a hundred
years?
Devil
Here he is. The famous Doktor Faustus.
Daughter
For what do you take me? Do you think I want to marry this
horrible old man?
Faustus
Pardon me, miss. You vex me a good deal. What's wrong with me?
Daughter
I have an unnatural father.
Devil
I am an unnatural father? When I bring a man of an age exactly
suited to you?
Daughter
But I don't see him. It breaks my heart.
Faustus
Ah, this is a little too much, miss. Don't you think my heart is
broken at the sight of you?
Wife
You have brought a man here who insults your child.
Daughter
Yes, a man who joins vulgarity to ugliness.
Wife
You are responsible for the misfortune of your own daughter. She's
been torn with impatience for more than a century.
Devil
I signed a contract for a century. It's a standard form. It's in
every contract. What am I to do? A contract has to be respected.
Wife
You don't know what you're talking about.
Daughter (screaming)
Because of a contract, I am a victim. A poor victim!
Wife (shouting)
Your father doesn't understand a thing. Come to the arms of your
mother, my child.
Faustus (mopping his brow)
It's a real inferno here.
Devil
To whom are you talking, Doktor?
Wife
What are you two mumbling about?
Faustus and the Devil We are not mumbling.
Wife
Ah, you add perjury to your other sins, eh? You who call yourself
Doktor— Go to the circle reserved for sorcerers and other impostors.
Faustus
Ah, I commence to burn. I beg you, my dear demon, intercede for me
with your wife.
Devil
Eh? What do you want me to do? She's the boss here.
Faustus
A little firmness perhaps?
Devil
A little firmness. It's easy to see you don't know anything. I'm
only a poor Devil.
CURTAIN