The Comical History of Doctor Faustus

Frank Morlock

  • Act I.
  • Act II.
  • Act III.
  • Act IV.
  • Act V.
  • Etext by Dagny
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                   THE COMICAL HISTORY OF DOCTOR FAUSTUS
                     Based on an anonymous French play
    CHARACTERS:
    
    Faustus
    The Devil
    The Devil's wife
    The Scullery Maid (Helen)
    The Waiting Maid
    The Student
    The Police Man
    The Devil's daughter
    
    Four men, four women
    
    
    
    TIME: The 15th Century
    

    Act I.

    Dr. Faustus is seated before his table in his study. Faustus is dressed in a long black robe inscribed with magic symbols. On his desk there is a toad sleeping in the midst of a heap of books, horns, alembics, parchments, and magic wands. Near the open window a kettle is boiling over a small lighted furnace. Stewing in the kettle are some toads, some rats, and a ragout of disgusting vegetation. It happens that tonight the only light is from the weak furnace.

    Faustus (wearily)
    I don't understand why I seem to get weaker with each passing day. I can hardly lift an arm or a leg. I can't run, I can't shout. I am only comfortable while I am seated. I wonder if it's because I'm more than a hundred years old? No! That can't possibly be it. A hundred years is a reasonable age. (pondering) A hundred years. Methuselah was a gay blade at that age. Why not Faustus? If I dye my hair a bit, I can at least be more presentable. But this stuff takes a long time to work. I didn't put enough toads in it. For a glossy black, which is what I need, there has to be plenty of toad. Come, let us see how my little brew is doing. (rising pitifully and waddling to the kettle) Ah, ah— what an effort! That's not to say I've become old so soon. To the contrary— (watching the kettle) There, there. The mixture is very black. (dipping in and putting some on his beard) Put a little on the end of my beard as a test. What, what? The color isn't taking. Bah! Everything's difficult as you get older. Never mind, probably just not enough toads. People believe in my magical powers and I can't even brew up a hair dye. What an Alchemist. So, so,—everything has to be done over again. (grabs the toad on his desk and drops it in the pot) Too bad, I liked that toad. Made a good pet. (stirring the kettle, then dipping in) Let's have another go at it. Damn! My beard is just as grey as before. The situation is clearly desperate. The Devil alone could restore my vigor and youth. Yes, the Devil alone. (laughing ironically) But behold, for the last eighty years I've told the world that the Devil is my particular friend, and that he obeys my every command. The whole gullible world believes me. Unfortunately, there's not a word of truth in it. If I'd spoken the truth—told everyone that my work was based on my knowledge of science—who would have believed me? What a shame, what a shame not to have the Devil at my beck and call.

    (Thunder, wind, lightning.)

    (The Devil enters.)

    Faustus
    But who is this who comes in by the window?

    Devil
    Dear Doctor Faustus, you wanted to see me?

    Faustus (alarmed)
    Who the Devil are you?

    Devil
    The Devil, who else?

    Faustus
    The Devil? Get out! (aside) I am very frightened. (aloud) You look frightful and you smell as if you'd been scorched.

    Devil (annoyed)
    A nice way you have of greeting me! You, a man who has pretended for nearly eighty years to be one of my intimates.

    Faustus
    You're some student joker bent on mocking me! Get out or I'll call the police.

    Devil
    At this hour the police are asleep, as good citizens should be. Don't be a child.

    Faustus
    Oh—at my age!

    Devil
    Exactly—at your age it's perfectly natural for you to be a child. But try, at least make an effort, to be a bit rational! You have lived your life as a sorcerer and boasted of being my dear friend. Now all your lies are about to become reality. Evasion and cowardice are unworthy of both of us. Don't spoil our relationship right from the start.

    Faustus
    What do you want from me?

    Devil
    A simple Yes or No answer to a question. NO evasions!

    Faustus
    Put your question

    Devil
    Do you want to be young again? Yes or No?

    Faustus
    I am trembling. Give me time to pull myself together.

    Devil
    I should be delighted to accommodate you, but I really haven't any time to lose. I came to Earth unbeknownst to my wife. You pick a fine time, I must say, to come to your crisis. So I came immediately, and I have hardly five minutes. Reply quickly. If it is Yes, I will return to Hell, ask my wife for permission to return, and I will be back immediately. It's Yes?

    Faustus
    Yeahhh—that is to say—

    Devil
    That is to say: Yes! We have a contract. Very well then, you will become young again. No more age, no more infirmities. You sell me your soul—but I don't get it for a hundred years.

    Faustus
    Only a hundred years?

    Devil
    That's a long time. Do you want to live forever? Come on, sign right here.

    Faustus (signing)
    What an adventure! What an adventure!

    Devil
    It's a great adventure! The best deal you ever made. You won't regret it a bit. Satisfaction guaranteed. Bye bye. Till we meet again. Arriverderci, a bientot.

    (Wind and thunder. The Devil leaves as precipitously as he came.)

    Faustus
    He's gone! What a funny Devil—who cannot do anything without his wife's permission. Is this the power which the whole world dreads? Bah! I was probably dreaming. I think my head is turning. Still, I feel younger by the minute. But who would believe the Devil could be so stupid? I hope I won't live to regret this. What an adventure!

    CURTAIN

    Act II.

    The Gates of Hell. The Devil is knocking at the gate.

    Devil (anguished)
    What's happened? Impossible to open. Hell and Damnation! My wife must have realized I was gone! Now she's shut the gate with a double lock! She's probably taking an evil pleasure in watching me freeze out here! (knocking again) It's me! (teeth chattering) I AM NOT USED TO THE COLD! I'm going to catch my death—a chest cold for sure. Earth is never warm enough. How humans stand that ice box I just don't know. No wonder they all wind up being damned. They probably do it just to escape the cold. At least we keep a good fire going down here, nobody has ever complained about that in my little hotel. (teeth chattering) IT'S ME! I love my wife with all my heart—but what a nasty disposition. (knocking again)

    Wife (from within)
    Who is it?

    Devil (coaxingly)
    It's mee.

    Wife (sweetly)
    What do you mean mee? That doesn't mean anything. (indignantly) Me, indeed!

    Devil
    It's me, your adored husband.

    Wife
    Adored—adored? Where have you been, you shameless old goat?

    Devil
    Shameless old goat! There isn't anyone in Hell more virtuous than I am!

    Wife
    You haven't answered my question—snake in the grass!

    Devil
    Snake! What a slander—just because once, in the Garden of Eden, I was obliged to assume that form you never let me forget it. That was years ago—

    Wife
    Stop prevaricating and tell me where you've been.

    Devil
    Quit simply, on Earth.

    Wife
    For how long have you been gone without my permission?

    Devil
    Only five minutes

    Wife
    Five minutes too long!

    Devil
    A most imperative matter—

    Wife
    I know your imperative matters! What was the pretty little sinner's name? I know your tricks. There's no one more clumsy than you. No wonder you lost the battle for Heaven. Even I can see through you.

    Devil
    If you say so! Please open for me. If you don't, I am going to faint.

    (The gate opens and the Devil's wife, a slatternly charwoman appears.)

    Wife
    All right. I'll let you in. But only because I would have to take care of you if you fall sick.

    Devil
    Ah, thanks, my sweet, adored help mate. (trying to embrace her)

    Wife
    Hands off! Don't come near me till you explain where you've been.

    Devil
    With an old gentleman.

    Wife
    That's no explanation. And no excuse.

    Devil
    Dearie, my clients are few and far between. We're living in an aggravating, atheistical age. No one even thinks of selling his soul to the Devil anymore. I need some human fuel for my fires. So when an opportunity came to ensnare an old impostor who has been pretending to be one of my company—

    Wife
    What's all this? Who is this impostor?

    Devil
    It's the famous Doctor Faustus.

    Wife
    Never heard of him.

    Devil
    What? He's an international celebrity.

    Wife
    I read all the gossip columns. If there was such a man I'd have heard of him. What does he do?

    Devil
    But—

    Wife
    Just tell me what he does—if he's so famous?

    Devil
    He's a magician. An alchemist.

    Wife
    Go ahead, try to fool me. You'll never pull the wool over my eyes with such nonsense.

    Devil
    You're not being fair!

    Wife
    Not being fair! That's what you think—you nasty old goat!

    Devil
    Now, just a minute!

    Wife
    When I think that you gave up a nice job as an angel in Heaven—and that from jealousy—

    Devil
    The pay wasn't that good, and it had no visibility!

    Wife
    —you preferred to be a fallen angel.

    Devil
    At least I have a leading role. It's my first starring role. The job has high visibility. It's got a future.

    Wife
    And me—I thought I'd lord it over all my friends, marrying the most feared creature in the world. And look what I got. (passionately) I wish I'd never married an imbecile like you.

    Devil (his feelings hurt, almost sobbing)
    Oh—

    Wife
    If mankind knew what you are really like, they'd be so scared, ha!

    Devil
    But they don't, so everything's all right.

    Wife
    But I know the truth, and I am the most unhappy woman in the world!

    Devil
    Listen, my sweet better half—

    Wife
    Your sweet better half is broken hearted.

    Devil
    Let's go in. There, that's better. What a nice warmth, here. Everything is going to be just fine. I love it here.

    Wife (sobbing)
    If you meant that, you wouldn't try to leave.

    Devil
    But I only leave on business—to scout some new recruits. How else can we keep the home fires burning?

    Wife
    She's probably very pretty—your recruit.

    Devil
    It's a man, I tell you.

    Wife
    What about Lucrezia Borgia?

    Devil
    What about her?

    Wife
    You really liked recruiting her, didn't you?

    Devil
    I had to spend a lot of time with her, I admit. But it was all business. Now, be a good girl and pack my trunk.

    Wife
    What—you intend to go again?

    Devil
    To bring back Doctor Faustus.

    Wife
    Since when can't they come alone? They have to be escorted?

    Devil
    What do you want? You have to observe the conventions with the rich and famous. I don't want a bad reputation, you know.

    Wife
    You're full of it!

    Devil
    I swear as I am a fallen angel that I am sincere.

    Wife
    A pretty fallen angel. Used horns, a goat's nose, an ass's ears, body as hairless as a chihuahua, and a threadbare shirt under his coat, and the tail of a sick lion. Ah, why do I waste my time worrying about your escapades? What old wife would want you. Truly, you haven't the least to recommend you in the way of looks.

    Devil (nettled)
    I beg to differ. I have the beauty of Satan.

    Wife
    Conceited ass! One more word and I won't pack your trunk—and what's more, I'll shut you outside in the cold! With a double lock!

    Devil
    I'll shut up, I'll shut up, I'll shut up.

    Wife
    Good. Shut up.

    Devil
    I am shut up.

    Wife
    Enough.

    Devil
    Agreed.

    Wife (exasperated)
    Then, shut up.

    Devil
    Right.

    Wife
    Stupid man.

    Devil
    Whatever you say.

    Wife
    Will you shut up?

    Devil
    Yes, to obey you.

    Wife
    Not a word.

    Devil
    Not a syllable.

    Wife
    Damn!

    Devil
    Damn, indeed. Double damn.

    Wife
    I'm having trouble making myself understood.

    Devil
    Oh, I understand you well enough.

    Wife
    Enough.

    Devil
    What were we talking about?

    Wife
    You infuriate me.

    Devil
    Me! I haven't said a word.

    Wife
    Don't open your mouth.

    Devil
    Right, I'll keep it closed.

    Wife
    CLOSE IT, BUT DON'T SAY IT!

    Devil
    Hmmm.

    Wife
    Ah, did you finally understand? Not a minute too soon. Wait while I get your trunk. But I warn you, if you don't bring back your celebrity—your famous Dr. Faustus in twenty-four hours, I am going to lock the door and let you croak of cold.

    (She goes in and shuts the gate in his face.)

    Devil
    Ah, what a situation! She wants me to bring him back in twenty-four hours—but the contract says he has a hundred years. What a fuss she'll put up if she finds out. I tremble just thinking about it. Better not tell her until after I'm well on my way. I'll write her a letter—but not before I get to Earth. Bah! It's no fun being the Devil. I really love my wife, and I never tire of saying so— But she complicates my life.

    (The Gates open and the Devil's daughter appears. A pretty little she devil of fifteen.)

    Daughter
    My Papa—my lovely, darling Papa.

    Devil
    Here's my little girl! My little biddy-bitch.

    Daughter
    My Papa, my darling little Papa. Mama told me you're going on a trip. Where are you going, my darling little Papa? Tell your daughter who loves you.

    Devil
    I'm going to Frankfurt, then to Mainz, then to Strasbourg.

    Daughter
    Are you going to bring back some presents for you know who?

    Devil (absently)
    Naturally, naturally.

    Daughter
    You could sound more enthusiastic than that!

    Devil (raising his voice)
    Naturally, naturally.

    Daughter (bursting into tears)
    How loud you shout. You seem so angry.

    Devil
    No, no—I'm not angry at all.

    Daughter (tapping her foot)
    Yes, you are angry. You are not nice to me.

    Devil
    Shut up. If your mother hears, I'll be in for another scene.

    Daughter (crying I'll shut up.

    Devil
    Enough

    Daughter
    All right.

    Devil
    Well, shut up then.

    Daughter
    Yes, Papa.

    Devil
    God, you can be so stupid—

    Daughter
    Agreed.

    Devil
    Are you going to shut up?

    Daughter
    Yes, to obey you.

    Devil
    Not another word.

    Daughter
    Not a syllable.

    Devil
    Damn!

    Daughter
    Double damn!

    Devil
    I'm having trouble making myself understood.

    Daughter
    Oh, I understand you perfectly.

    Devil
    Enough. You infuriate me.

    Daughter
    But, I didn't' say one word.

    Devil
    Don't open your mouth.

    Daughter
    All right—I'll shut up.

    Devil
    Shut it, but don't say it. Good. (silence) Now, tell me what you would like. (silence) Answer me. (silence) ANSWER ME!

    Daughter
    Hmmm.

    Devil
    I'm tired of all this. Now, what were we talking about? (silence) Why do you stay silent? (silence) TALK! (aside) I could easily strangle her!

    Daughter (in a monotone)
    I am being quiet to obey you.

    Devil
    Your mother will be coming back soon. I don't want any more of her scenes. I ask you politely—tell me what we were talking about. It's simple, and I don't see why you have to complicate things.

    Daughter
    Papa—let me hug you. (throwing herself on him, hugging him) Always hug your Daddy when you ask him to do something.

    Devil
    Easy, easy. You'll tear my shoulders off with your claws.

    Daughter
    You'll get me what I ask you to?

    Devil
    Yes, yes. You know I always do. I am a martyr to your affection. My back is all scratched up.

    Daughter
    I will let you go. But listen closely— (hurriedly) I want a pretty white gown with Hungarian stitching, and yellow and rose furbelows for when I get married.

    Devil (writing in a notebook)
    White gown. How do you spell furbelows? Never mind, I know.

    Daughter
    I want a silk dress—purple, with white bells on the sleeves for going to balls. I want a dress for wearing everyday—red with black braids and stripes—made of wool. I want feathers for my hats, slippers for my feet, stockings, corsets, and—unmentionables.

    Devil
    But—

    Daughter
    That's it for clothes. I want a crystal service from Bohemia and one of porcelain from Saxony. And a French one with country scenes.

    Devil
    I—

    Daughter
    That's it for china. I want two armchairs. Modern style with arms made to look like swans. I want a table and a sofa. You pick them out. I want a bed shaped like a dragon ship—

    Devil
    But—

    Daughter
    That's it for furniture. I want a lot of tasty sauces from Frankfurt, some sauerkraut from Strasbourg—because I love it! I want some pate and salad dressing. I want Munster cheese and some cordials.

    Devil
    I—

    Daughter
    That's it for food. I want a harp, a flute, and a hunting horn—to give concerts. I don't know how to play these instruments, but I intend to learn. I want a game of checkers and chess, I forgot to tell you that I also want an armoire with glass inlay—

    Devil
    I— (aside) This will take a century to fill. (aloud) You tire me out.

    Daughter
    Oh, don't refuse. It's so simple for you to get all that. Oh, Papa, I will hug you so, so tight! (hugging him again)

    (The Devil screams.)

    Devil
    Whoa! Whoa! I'll bring you everything you ask. Just let me go.

    Daughter (releasing him)
    I almost forgot something important. The most important thing, in fact. I want a husband.

    Devil
    A husband! You're too young.

    Daughter (crying)
    I want one.

    Devil
    But getting married is a serious business.

    Daughter
    I don't want to marry any of the fiends around here.

    Devil
    I know you're too good for them. But I've never even thought about it.

    Daughter
    I know you're returning with the famous Doctor Faustus, he's a celebrity—and you've made him young and good looking. I'll go ape over him. I am bored in Hell. Hell is only a rotisserie for unscrupulous persons. There's nothing to do here but attend barbecues. Bring this Doctor Faustus. Pull him along by his ears. I want him at all costs.

    Devil
    But—

    Daughter
    Don't interrupt me! If you can't pull him here by the ears—push him in front of you and kick him in the ass!

    Devil
    But—

    Daughter
    Don't interrupt me or I'll hug you.

    Devil
    Oh, all right. Just don't do that. Do you really want him so much?

    Daughter
    Oh, yes, oh, yes.

    Devil
    Then you shall have him. Did I ever prevent you from having something you wanted?

    Daughter
    Oh, Daddy, Daddy.

    (Enter the Devil's wife.)

    Wife (sourly)
    Your trunk is ready. Go to the Devil and good riddance.

    Devil
    Thanks with all my heart, sweetie.

    Daughter (kissing him)
    There. Don't forget the gifts.

    Devil
    Rest assured, baby, rest assured.

    Daughter
    Write it down so you won't forget.

    Devil
    I won't forget a thing! Goodbye, my adored spouse.

    Wife
    Goodbye, goodbye. I won't keep you.

    Devil
    Goodbye, my sweet daughter.

    Daughter
    Bye, Papa, bye. I won't keep you any longer. I can't wait for you to come back with all my presents—especially my husband.

    Wife
    Say what! You'd better remember to bring some gifts for me, too.

    Devil
    That goes without saying.

    Daughter
    See you soon, Papa.

    Wife
    Oh—no sentiment. It's not worth the trouble. (slamming the door in his face)

    CURTAIN

    Act III.

    The kitchen of an Inn in Germany. Faustus, young again, is pursuing Helen, a slatternly cook.

    Faustus
    Madame, you please me strangely.

    Helen (escaping him)
    Thank you. The Herr Doktor is very kind.

    Faustus (annoyed by her running away)
    Am I not a pleasing person?

    Helen
    My word—the Herr Doktor isn't hard to look at.

    Faustus
    Your words heat my blood. I am become lyrical:
        Was this the face that launched a thousand ships
        And toppled the topless towers of Ilium? Fair Helen, angel of sweetness, (kneeling) more beautiful than Venus, come live with me and be my love.

    Helen (suspicious, jealous)
    Who is this Venus?

    Faustus
    A goddess, dear angel.

    Helen (very suspicious)
    This goddess is a woman?

    Faustus
    No. (aside) I don't understand why I am never attracted to an educated woman. It's so hard to make love to a scullery maid. You have to explain the simplest things.

    Helen (puzzled)
    What is she then?

    Faustus
    I will explain to you in the quiet of my room. With silent gestures.

    Helen
    How are you going to explain to me if you are being quiet? (aside) These savants are fools. Why do they always love me? You'd think they'd want an educated woman as strange as they are. (notching up her stocking) What do they want from me?

    Faustus
    Dear angel, don't ask so many questions. You will know everything.

    (Enter Marguerite, the waitress.)

    Marguerite
    Three slices of veal and two slices of beef—from the students.

    Faustus
    Why won't they ever leave me alone?

    Marguerite
    And a dozen sauces—compliments of the students.

    Faustus (aside, ogling her)
    She doesn't look bad at all. (putting his arm around her) Marguerite, for me the happy life.

    Marguerite
    What! What? Does the Herr Doktor pinch my bottom? (slapping him and boxing his ear) How dare you?

    Faustus (aside)
    Such are the inconveniences of youth. The ladies never slapped me when I was old. Now, I get no respect.

    (Marguerite carries out the plates in a huff.)

    Helen
    The Herr Doktor loves cheap sluts from what I can see.

    Faustus
    Only to excite your jealousy, dear angel.

    Helen
    To excite the inclinations of the Herr Doktor!

    Faustus
    Don't scold me, sweet thing. Time passes so quickly that we must not wait. Be the companion of my life. Come into the ship of my love, fair Helena, and we will sail on the wine dark seas of happiness.

    Helen
    The way you talk! I'll never leave the country. I don't like to travel by boat. I get seasick.

    Faustus
    Your refusal agitates me unspeakably. Your refusal exasperates my love. You turn my head to your rightside. (throwing himself on her) I will rape you just as Paris did those many thousand years ago.

    Helen (braining Faustus with a skillet)
    Ah, Herr Doktor, leave my rightside and my backside alone. I hope I didn't hurt you.

    (Enter Marguerite.)

    Marguerite
    A slice of pork and two slices of goose—from the students.

    Faustus
    Why am I persecuted by those infernal students?

    Marguerite
    The Herr Doktor likes a dirty frying pan from what I see.

    Helen (angrily)
    A frying pan is better than a cheap dishcloth.

    Marguerite
    Each to his taste. A greasy old frying pan disgusts me.

    Helen
    And a filthy dishcloth disgusts me.

    Faustus
    Come—adorable nymphs. No need to fight over me. (to Marguerite, fondling her) There's something about you that interests me.

    Marguerite
    Just try it! I will throw your pork chops in your face!

    Faustus
    There, there—don't get so excited.

    Marguerite
    I am not that kind of girl. I am honest!

    Helen
    Honest. She steals money from all the customers.

    Marguerite
    And she—she earns money from the customers, if you conceive me. And, besides that she spits in the customers' soup.

    Helen
    Only if I don't like them. And as to earning money, you slut—

    Faustus
    How such distinguished ladies as yourselves can say such things—

    Marguerite
    I do my duty waiting tables, and I don't let the customers mess around with me—or come in my kitchen— (picking up some plates and leaving)

    Faustus
    This is a most regrettable incident.

    Helen
    You are not a serious person.

    Faustus
    It's because of my youth. I lead an agitated life. I am in the whirlwind of pleasures.

    Helen
    Bah! That's not me. I don't find this hot stove too much fun.

    Faustus (kneeling)
    It's but for you, dear friend, to give this furnace up, and come to perfumed halls. Just give ear to my ardent desires. I am burning for you.

    Helen (pushing her hair out of her eyes)
    As if I weren't hot enough with this stove!

    Faustus (pathetically)
    Understand me.

    Helen
    I understand that if the dishrag comes back you'll pinch her ass.

    Faustus
    But I'd rather pinch yours. Do you want money? I'll buy a little twenty room house for you—with lots and lots of stoves—and you can make as many dishes as you like.

    Helen
    I still have to work with an oven? It's hardly worth the trouble.

    Faustus
    It will be a life of moonlight and honey. A honeymoon, if I may invent such a word.

    Helen
    The moon, the moon. It's all moonshine.

    Faustus
    If you like, you can have a servant.

    Helen
    Naturally—moonshine.

    Faustus
    Your resistance is bursting my arteries, my veins, my tendons, my muscles, my stomach, my intestines, my lungs, my nose, my mouth, my ears—in short—all my organs internal and external! You must give up because of the extraordinary state you have put me in through your attractions. I resent your divine beauty, your matchless eyes, your ivory skin—

    (The Student puts his head in the door.)

    Student
    Pardon me, may I come in?

    Faustus (aside)
    Will they never leave me in peace?

    Student (aside)
    The famous doktor in luff with a scullery wench!

    Faustus
    What can I do for you my young friend? I tell you now, I am not taking any more apprentices, so don't waste your time asking. I know you'll tell me you'll work hard—and I believe you, although they all say that. And I know you'll say, that your respect for me is such that you wish to follow me, forever, as my disciple—

    Student
    I—

    Faustus
    Perfectly useless to plead with me.

    Student
    I—

    Faustus
    My heart is made of iron, young man.

    Student
    May I say I only want—

    Faustus
    Oh, I know you only want to sit at my feet—

    Student
    A head of cheese.

    Faustus
    What?

    Student
    I came to get a head of cheese.

    Faustus
    Why don't you ask the maid?

    Student
    Gretchen said she didn't dare come in the kitchen. She said: Go if you want to. Let him pinch your ass.

    Faustus
    My dear young friend, you don't imagine that I would take the same innocent freedom with you that I practice on the wenches?

    Student
    The whole world loves to joke, Herr Doktor. I don't know why the maid is so afraid of you. After all, you would be doing her ass an honor.

    Faustus
    Explain that to the cook. She knows ways to inflame me for her.

    Helen
    What do you want, Herr Doktor? I spend all my time over this blasted oven, and when you talk of burning desires, I hesitate.

    Faustus
    My young friend, witness the power of love. This sentiment exalts the human species. Me—the famous Doctor Faustus, here I am, trembling like a leaf before this wench who cannot make up her mind whether she prefers me or this old oven.

    (A bell sounds the curfew.)

    Student
    Quick—my head of cheese. The curfew is sounding. I will hardly have time to eat it before the watch is here to order the dining room closed for the night.

    (The Student runs out munching his head of cheese.)

    Faustus
    Yes or No, my beautiful angel. Will you spend the night with me tonight?

    Helen
    Well—

    Faustus
    Well—what?

    Helen
    I don't know how to tell the Herr Doktor—

    Faustus
    You're afraid of your virtue, perhaps?

    Helen
    My word, not at all!

    Faustus
    Ah, so much the better. I always dread that obstacle. Well—why this hesitation that roasts me over a slow fire?

    Helen
    It's just that—

    Faustus (dying with impatience)
    What is it?

    (A Policeman pokes his head in the door.)

    Policeman
    Excuse me, may I come in?

    Faustus (whining)
    Why won't they leave me alone?

    Policeman
    A man here! Helen, who is this man?

    Helen
    It's the famous Doktor Faustus.

    Policeman
    Helen, do you take me for a fool? If you think that I believe you, you must imagine you can make me believe anything. Would the famous Doktor Faustus be prostrating himself with a kitchen wench? You and I, me and you—we go together. And this gentleman here—cannot be a gentleman or he wouldn't be here. This is a skirt chaser who wants to take you from me. I am going to split his head open with my baton—because I am a man of honor.

    Helen
    Ohh, Maximilian— Don't make a scene!

    Policeman
    Yes, I am going to make a scene!

    Helen
    Maximilian, take it easy. The Herr Doktor is bigger than you are. Besides, he consorts with the devil. He will make a scene.

    Faustus (flexing his muscles)
    Exactly. I am big, too. I've been working out a lot, lately. I used to study too much.

    Policeman
    His arm is not longer or stronger than my nightstick. (threatening Faustus)

    Faustus
    Hey, there, my friend. Just watch what you're doing.

    (Faustus seizes the nightstick and takes it away from Maximilian.)

    Policeman (pulling)
    Release my weapon.

    Faustus
    Never in your life. I am going to make you eat it.

    Policeman
    Sir, you are a coward. You take advantage because I don't know how to use my stick properly.

    Faustus
    Your last hour has struck!

    Policeman
    I am going to scream for help.

    Helen
    Maximilian, don't make any noise. Your fellow police might hear you.

    Policeman
    But he's going to kill me!

    Helen
    Herr Doktor, have pity on my husband.

    Faustus
    What do I hear? Your husband? Is this wretch your husband?

    Helen
    That was what I didn't know how to tell you.

    Faustus
    Why, I have almost committed a sin!

    Policeman (kneeling)
    Sir, have pity on a policeman—incapable of any police brutality.

    Faustus
    Infamous coward. You lack honor and courage. The likes of you are charged with protecting the security of citizens!

    Policeman
    I'm peaceable by nature. I got my job through my uncle. I really didn't want to take it, but they forced me. I was just following orders.

    Faustus
    Ah, you are peaceable by nature. You tremble like jelly. Then I hesitate no longer. I have the power. Choose. Either prepare to die or resign your wife to me.

    Policeman
    I choose not to die. (aside) I thought he was going to give me a hard choice.

    Helen
    The great Doktor Faustus is right, Maximilian,—you are a coward. I must be strong for both of us.

    Policeman
    Yes, yes, be strong, be strong.

    Helen
    In prostituting myself to Doktor Faustus, I am only thinking of you.

    Policeman
    Divine goodness.

    Faustus
    Ah, dear angel, dear lady, I am going to show you the great life. Youth is wonderful. To have the most beautiful of women at your beck and call. (leading Helen off, aside) After I'm through with this one, I'll come back for Gretchen.

    (Exit Faustus and Helen.)

    Policeman (getting up and going to the door)
    They're gone. What a relief. I've never been so scared in my life. Danger has taught me to take a middle course. I almost wet my pants. This young Doktor Faustus is a roaring lion—and I am only a sheep. (opening the door and calling in a soft voice) Gretchen, Gretchen.

    (Marguerite comes in stealthily.)

    Marguerite
    Did you call me, Maximilian?

    Policeman
    Yes, my sweet. We've just had a piece of good luck.

    Marguerite
    What is it, Maximilian?

    Policeman
    I've just made a wonderful arrangement with the famous Doktor Faustus.

    Marguerite
    Ach?

    Policeman
    I gave him permission to relieve me of my wife. Now, you and I are no longer encumbered by her presence.

    Marguerite
    Ah, so much the better! At least you have no taste for a greasy frying pan.

    Policeman
    Everything happened in the most agreeable way. This Herr Doktor is really quite the gentleman. As a personal favor to me—

    Marguerite
    Quite the gentleman! Hah! He pinched my ass!

    Policeman
    Gretchen—what are you saying? I feel that I am about to roar like a like. Where's my nightstick—it seems he took it. But never mind. I am going to divide this famous Faustus into several parts. First, I'll knock him down, then after he begs for mercy, I'll—

    Marguerite
    Oh, Maximilian, don't make scenes!

    Policeman
    All right. For your sake. But I am really furious.

    Marguerite
    He's punished enough. Consider, he has to live with your wife. Come to my arms, Maximilian. You're so handsome in your uniform.

    Policeman (embracing her)
    Ah, I've been waiting for this for so long.

    CURTAIN

    Act IV.

     Faustus' study, as in the first act. Faustus is old again.

    Faustus
    It's really curious how time flies. To think that it's now over ninety years since I ravished Helen from her police office husband; that it's seventy years since I stole off with Gretchen, that it's fifty years since I took that little haberdasher's wife; that it's forty years since I ran off with the humpbacked lady who made winding sheets for the dead, and that it's nearly thirty years since I ran off with that stinking cowherd girl who lived nearby. Ah, what a fine life! But I have spent my best years. I have had splendid and distinguished amours almost without cease. Not to mention the honors I have won with my alchemy. (pause) Unfortunately, time goes by and I've gotten old again. Yet, I cling tenaciously to life. I still don't permit myself to have a white beard or white hair. I've got a new dye. This time I have the formula more exactly. Let's just dip our beard in the goo again—

    (Thunder and lightning. The Devil appears again.)

    Devil
    I salute you Herr Doktor Faustus.

    Faustus
    What? Why? Who gave you permission to enter in this way?

    Devil
    Don't you recognize me?

    Faustus
    What brings you here?

    Devil
    Behold this parchment, Faustus. It is signed in your blood, and under seal.

    Faustus
    So? It's only ninety years ago. Time passes quickly, no need to renew it yet.

    Devil
    That's not my opinion. A hundred years on Earth is a long time. Some poor Devil could catch his death of cold. I've waited on you. Why, do you never tire of living? What's wrong with you, man? And here I am, freezing. Your sun is a weak light compared to my furnace. I really don't know how you stand it. I offer you nice warm accommodations. Follow me. I must get home immediately—my wife is probably already in one of her states. We haven't a moment to lose.

    Faustus
    Tell me, dear friend, would you consider signing a contract—renewing the contract—for another hundred years. I promise to sin most abominably. I am sure I can damn myself more irredeemably—

    Devil
    Ah, dear Doktor, I cannot trick you! You've already lived two hundred years. Content yourself. Besides, how can life be so sweet in this cold climate that you always want to start over again?

    Faustus
    It's not that sweet—but one clings to it.

    Devil
    A contract is a contract. The farce is over.

    Faustus
    Don't you know that the customer is always right. Don't be inexorable.

    Devil
    I am only being just. Besides, although I'd like to accommodate you, I cannot be sure my wife will wait a moment longer. I hope you will be honorable enough to come with me willingly.

    Faustus
    Oh, very well. But I cannot recommend you to any of my friends after this. How do we get there?

    Devil
    Give me your hand.

    Faustus (giving him his hand)
    I say—your hand's awfully cold, dear fellow. Do you have a chill?

    Devil
    That's a mere detail. Don't worry. You will see Hell's charms. You will find many agreeable people there. And not a prude in the whole lot. Come on.

    (Thunder and lightning. Blackout as the Devil and Faustus disappear in smoke.)

    CURTAIN

    Act V.

    The scene is before the Gates of Hell. Enter the Devil and Faustus. Faustus is too hot, the Devil is feeling better for the first time.

    Devil
    Here we are. All we have to do is get in. (knocks—silence) Nobody answers. I know there's somebody home. That is not a good sign. (knocks again—silence) What a situation. What a situation.

    Faustus
    Perhaps, if nobody's home—we should go back to Earth.

    Devil (knocking)
    Not on your life! We'll just have to persist.

    Faustus
    You'll wear yourself out. Why go to so much trouble?

    Devil
    Damn. I hear a footstep.

    Faustus
    What a shame.

    Wife (sweetly)
    Who is there?

    Devil
    It's us.

    Wife
    Who is Us?

    Devil
    Doktor Faustus and your adored husband.

    (The door begins to open.)

    Wife (sticking her head out)
    What? Is this the hour you have chosen to return?

    Devil
    It's not so late.

    Wife
    Oh—don't talk! You were supposed to return in twenty-four hours and bring back a celebrity.

    Devil
    I explained in my letter. Here's the celebrity. The world famous Doktor Faustus.

    Wife
    What? You kept me waiting a hundred years to return with this old fart?

    Devil
    Patience, my dear spouse.

    Wife
    Patience! What do you think we can do with parchment skin like that? He won't keep the furnace lit for five minutes. Won't burn.

    Faustus
    This is outrageous! What a way for a man of my notoriety to be received.

    Devil
    Please, calm yourself, Doktor.

    Faustus
    It's all very well to be damned— But must one be insulted? It's not in the contract, sir.

    Devil
    Don't get upset, Doktor. My wife is a little lively, but at bottom she's an excellent person and you will be the best of friends in no time.

    Wife
    Not on your life. This old goat is disgusting.

    Faustus
    Why—why, (speechless) madam!

    Devil
    Don't pay any attention, dear Doktor. It's only a word.

    (A bony old maid suddenly comes in. It's the Devil's daughter.)

    Daughter
    My Daddy, my dearest Daddy. I've waited so long. Show me the presents you promised.

    Devil
    Who is this old fury?

    Wife
    Your daughter. Don't you recognize her, you imbecile?

    Devil
    How can I recognize her? She is unrecognizable. This is a mystery.

    Wife
    No mystery at all. She's more than a hundred years old.

    Devil
    Hell and damnation! I see it all now. My daughter has grown into an old woman.

    Daughter
    Oh, Papa, you are naughty, so naughty.

    Devil
    Why am I naughty?

    Daughter
    You are worse than that. You are diabolic.

    Faustus
    I'm sure they'd be surprised by these family horrors on Earth.

    Daughter (prancing with rage)
    Where is the handsome man I've been waiting to marry for a hundred years?

    Devil
    Here he is. The famous Doktor Faustus.

    Daughter
    For what do you take me? Do you think I want to marry this horrible old man?

    Faustus
    Pardon me, miss. You vex me a good deal. What's wrong with me?

    Daughter
    I have an unnatural father.

    Devil
    I am an unnatural father? When I bring a man of an age exactly suited to you?

    Daughter
    But I don't see him. It breaks my heart.

    Faustus
    Ah, this is a little too much, miss. Don't you think my heart is broken at the sight of you?

    Wife
    You have brought a man here who insults your child.

    Daughter
    Yes, a man who joins vulgarity to ugliness.

    Wife
    You are responsible for the misfortune of your own daughter. She's been torn with impatience for more than a century.

    Devil
    I signed a contract for a century. It's a standard form. It's in every contract. What am I to do? A contract has to be respected.

    Wife
    You don't know what you're talking about.

    Daughter (screaming)
    Because of a contract, I am a victim. A poor victim!

    Wife (shouting)
    Your father doesn't understand a thing. Come to the arms of your mother, my child.

    Faustus (mopping his brow)
    It's a real inferno here.

    Devil
    To whom are you talking, Doktor?

    Wife
    What are you two mumbling about?

    Faustus and the Devil We are not mumbling.

    Wife
    Ah, you add perjury to your other sins, eh? You who call yourself Doktor— Go to the circle reserved for sorcerers and other impostors.

    Faustus
    Ah, I commence to burn. I beg you, my dear demon, intercede for me with your wife.

    Devil
    Eh? What do you want me to do? She's the boss here.

    Faustus
    A little firmness perhaps?

    Devil
    A little firmness. It's easy to see you don't know anything. I'm only a poor Devil.

    CURTAIN