BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME: Adapted from a story by Arlo Bates

By Frank J. Morlock

This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in 
print or other media may be made without the express consent of the 
Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about 
performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or 
audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee 
or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank 
Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or 
frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at 
http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
Etext by Dagny

CHARACTERS

Members of the Soldiers' Aid Society:
   Mrs. Cumings
   Mrs. Drew
   Mrs. Stern

Mattie Seaton, a young flirt

Non-speaking parts:
   Archie Lovell
   Nancy Turner
   Mary Foster
   Delia Burrage

Scene: A graveyard with a large gravestone, some time during the American Civil War. Soldiers and people cross the stage in mourning. It is a Sunday afternoon.

Three middle-aged women members of the Soldiers' Aid Society are looking at the newly erected gravestone of Archie Lovell.

Mrs. Cumings
Well, Old Lady Andrews did right nice by Archie. It's the fanciest tombstone in Cedarville.

Mrs. Stern
She was always an old fool about her nephew anyway.

Mrs. Drew
It's an awful shame his body was never found. Poor Archie's probably in some ditch. It makes me shiver.

Mrs. Cumings
I wonder why she went to Boston so sudden.

Mrs. Stern
It's none of your business, Nellie Cumings, nor mine neither. I expect she had some business.

Mrs. Drew
At least she's spared the spectacle of three girls puttin' on mournin' for Archie.

Mrs. Stern
For my part, I don't believe any one of the three was ever really engaged to Archie Lovell. He went round with all of them, of course, but that wasn't anything—with him!

Mrs. Drew
I expect it's very easy for a girl to put on mourning when a man's dead and she says she's been engaged to him!

Mrs. Stern
If any one of 'em had been engaged to Archie Lovell while he was alive she'd have bragged enough about it at the time.

Mrs. Cumings
A soldier can never tell these days who'll take it into her head to claim she was betrothed to him.

Mrs. Drew
The way things are going, the men are getting killed off so fast that the only satisfaction a girl can get anyway is to go into mourning for some of 'em, and I don't blame 'em if they do it!

Mrs. Stern
Let's hope they don't present the parish with a passel of brats.

Mrs. Drew
Sarah Stern! What a thing to say.

Mrs. Stern
Fiddlesticks. It won't be the first brat we've had since this war started.

Mrs. Drew
If it was one of the three, it was Delia Burrage. He used to go around with her all the time.

Mrs. Cumings
No more'n he did with Mattie Seaton. He used to see Mattie home from singing school that winter before he enlisted!

Mrs. Drew
Well, anyway, when Delia presented the flag to the militia before they marched off, he was with her all evening.

Mrs. Cumings
He used to go with Mattie a lot.

Mrs. Stern
He sent Mary Foster that wooden chair he carved.

Mrs. Cumings
Well, that was on a bet. That don't count. She told me so herself.

Mrs. Stern
I don't know how many girls Archie was engaged to—I dare say he didn't know himself—and for all I know, he may have been engaged to all three of these girls that are flying the black flag for him. But I can tell you the girl he really wanted to marry—and she isn't in black either.

Mrs. Cumings
Who is it?

Mrs. Drew
I don't know who there is that's any more likely to have been engaged to him than Mattie.

Mrs. Stern
He'd no more have married her than he would me.

Mrs. Drew
Who is it then?

Mrs. Stern
Nancy Turner.

Mrs. Cumings
She's a sly one—

Mrs. Drew
Look, here comes Delia.

(The three gossips draw back. Delia Burrage, decked out in her best crape, goes up to the tombstone and arranges some flowers. Everyone stares.)

Mrs. Cumings
Here comes Mary Foster.

(Mary, also carrying flowers sails up, and, not to be outdone, falls on her knees. Delia, not to be outshone, does so also. But Mary has gained the upper hand.)

Mrs. Stern
Now we'll have a show, here comes Mattie!

Mrs. Cumings. Trust Mattie Seaton for not letting anybody get ahead of her.

(Mattie approaches, flinging back her long veil to reveal her pretty face.)

Mattie (in a deliberately loud voice)
Oh, thank you so much for bringing flowers. Archie was so fond of them!

(Mattie moves behind the tombstone and places a wreath she is carrying over it. This leaves her standing with her two rivals kneeling.)

Mrs. Drew
Is she boss of that grave or not, I ask you?

Mrs. Cumings
If that ain't the beatinest.

Mrs. Stern
I wish Archie Lovell could see that. He'd be more than willing to get killed for a sight of his three widders and that Seaton girl comin' it so over the others.

Mrs. Drew
He'd think he was a Mormon or a Turk.

Mrs. Cumings
He'd see the fun of it. Poor Archie, he did love a joke.

Mattie (in a broken voice)
Thank you so much for your sympathy.

(Mattie, after kissing the top of the tombstone, exits dramatically in tears. Delia and Mary exchange a furious glance, but unable to think of a retort, get to their feet almost as one and beat a retreat in a different direction. The old gossips cannot restrain themselves and begin to laugh.)

Mrs. Drew
God forgive me, I can't help laughin'.

Mrs. Cumings
Well, where's Nancy Turner?

Mrs. Drew
She didn't feel well enough to come this afternoon.

Mrs. Stern
She's with Old Lady Andrews.

Mrs. Drew
Old Lady Andrews got home?

Mrs. Stern
Yes, this noon.

Mrs. Cumings
But, you said she'd gone to Boston.

Mrs. Stern
Nobody knew but me.

Mrs. Drew (soberly)
Did she bring home Archie's body?

Mrs. Stern
Yes, she did. She had a dreadful time finding out anything, but she has friends in Washington.

Mrs. Drew
Where was Archie buried?

Mrs. Tern He wasn't buried anywhere.

Mrs. Drew
Why not?

Mrs. Stern
'Cause he ain't dead.

Mrs. Cumings
Not dead!

Mrs. Stern
No, only taken prisoner. He was wounded and he's been in Andersonville.

Mrs. Drew
How is he now?

Mrs. Stern
Oh, he's all right now. And here he comes, to see his gravestone.

(A Union Lieutenant and a girl in crinoline come in, arm in arm.)

Mrs. Cumings
Why, it's Nancy Turner with him.

Mrs. Stern
No, it's Nancy Lovell. They were married in Boston.

(A crowd has gathered. Miss Burrage and Miss Foster try to hide, but Mattie Seaton daringly comes forward.)

Mattie
Why, Archie dear, we thought we had lost you forever. We all supposed you were dead, and here you are, only married. Let me congratulate you, though after being engaged to so many girls, it must seem queer to be married to only one. Nancy, to think you got him after all, just because you went ahead and caught him! I congratulate you with all my heart, only look out for him. He'll make love to any woman he sees. (she kisses the speechless Nancy) Come Delia, come Mary! There's nothing for us to do but to go home and take off our black. We may have better luck next time!

(Mattie sails out with Delia and Mary in tow.)

Mrs. Drew
Did you ever!

Mrs. Cumings
This is a scandal.

Mrs. Stern
Now that girl has grit!

CURTAIN