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Juv. Sat. 1.
SIR,
While the Peace of Europe, and the Lives and Fortunes of so great a Part of Mankind, depend on Your Counsels, it may be thought an Offence against the publick Good to divert, by Trifles of this Nature, any of those Moments, which are so sacred to the Welfare of our Country.
But however ridicul'd or exploded the Muses may be, in an Age when
their greatest
Favourites are liable to the Censure and Correction of every Boy
or Idiot, who shall have it in his power to satisfy the Wantonness of
an evil Heart, at the Expence of the Reputation and Interest of the
best Poet, yet has this Science been esteemed, honoured, protected, and
often professed by the greatest Persons of Antiquity. Nations and the
Muses have generally enjoyed the same Protectors.
The Reason of this is obvious: As the best Poets have owed their Reward to the greatest Heroes and Statesmen of their Times, so those Heroes have owed to the Poet that Posthumous Reputation, which is generally the only Reward that attends the greatest Actions. By them the Great and Good blaze out to Posterity, and triumph over the little Malice and Envy which once pursued them.
Protect therefore, Sir, an Art from which You may promise Your self
such notable Advantages; when the little Artifices of Your Enemies,
which You have surmounted, shall
be forgotten, when Envy shall cease to misrepresent Your Actions,
and Ignorance to misapprehend them. The Muses shall remember their
Protector, and the wise Statesman the generous Patron, the stedfast
Friend, and the true Patriot; but above all that Humanity and Sweetness
of Temper, which shine thro' all your Actions, shall render the Name of
Sir Robert Walpole dear to his no longer ungrateful Country.
That Success may attend all Your Counsels; that You may continue to preserve us from our Enemies Abroad, and to triumph over Your Enemies at Home, is the sincere Wish of,
SIR, Your most obliged, Most obedient humble Servant, Henry Fielding.
Mrs. Modern at her Toilet: Lately attending.
Lud! this Creature is longer in sticking a Pin, than some People are in dressing a Head. Will you never have done fumbling?
Lately.
There, Maam, your Ladyship is drest.
Mrs. Modern.
Drest! ay, most frightfully drest, I am sure—If it were not too
late, I wou'd begin it all again. This Gown is wretchedly made, and
does not become me—when was Tricksy here?
Lately.
Yesterday, Maam, with her Bill.
Mrs. Modern.
How! her Bill already?
Lately.
She says, Maam, your Ladyship bid her bring it.
Mrs. Modern.
Ay, to be sure, she'll not fail to remember that.
Lately.
She says too, Maam, that she's in great Distress for her Money.
Lately.
What shall I do, Maam, when she comes again?
Mrs. Modern.
You must—you must send her away again, I think.
Lately.
Yes, Maam, but—
Mrs. Modern.
But—but what? don't trouble me with your Impertinence, I have
other things to think on—Bills! Bills! Bills! I wonder, in a
civiliz'd Nation, there are no Laws against Duns. [Knocking at the
Door.] Come in.
To them Footman.
Foot.
My Lady Ever-play, Madam, gives her humble Service to you,
and desires your Ladyship's Company To-morrow Se'nnight to make a
Party at Quadrille with my Lady Lose-all, and Mrs.
Banespouse.
Mrs. Modern.
Lately, bring the Quadrille Book hither, see
whether I am engag'd.
Lately.
Here it is, Maam.
Mrs. Modern.
Run over the Engagements.
Lately.
Monday, February 5. at Mrs. Squabble's; Tuesday, at
Mrs. Witless's; Wensday, at Lady Matadore's; Thursday
, at Mrs. Fiddle-Faddle's; Friday, at Mrs. Ruin's; Saturday
, at Lady Trifle's; Sunday, at Lady Barbara Pawnjewels.
Mrs. Modern.
What is the Wench doing?—see for how long I am engag'd—at
this rate you will not have done this Hour.
Lately.
Maam, your Ladyship is engag'd ev'ry Night till Thursday
three Weeks.
Mrs. Modern.
My Service to Lady Ever-play, I have Parties ev'ry Night
till Thursday three Weeks, and then I shall be very glad if she
will get two more at my House—and—Tom—take the Roll of
Visits, and go with my Chair to pay them, but remember not to call at
Mrs. Worthy's.
I intend to leave off her Acquaintance, for I never see any People of Fashion at her House; which, indeed, I do not wonder at, for the Wretch is hardly ever to be found without her Husband. And truly, I think, she is not fit Company for any other. Did you ever see any one dress like her, Lately?
Lately.
Oh, frightful! I have wonder'd how your Laship cou'd endure her
so long.
Mrs. Modern.
Why, she plays at Quadrille worse than she dresses, and
one wou'd endure a great deal in a Person who loses her Money.
Lately.
Nay, now I wonder that your Laship has left her off at all.
Mrs. Modern.
Truly, because she has left off Play; and now she rails at Cards
for the same Reason, as some Women do at Gallantry—from ill
Success.— Poor Creatures! how ignorant they are, that all their
railing is only a loud Proclamation, that they have lost their Money,
or a Lover!
Lately.
They may rail as long as they please, Maam, they will never be
able to expel those two Pleasures out of the World.
Mrs. Modern.
Ah, Lately! I hope, I shall be expell'd out of the World
first. Those Quadrille Rings of mine are worth more Money, than
four of the best Brilliants—There is more Conjuration in these dear
Circles; [Shews a Ring.] These Spades, Hearts, Clubs and
Diamonds. Heark, I hear my Husband coming, go you down Stairs.
[Exit Lately.] Husband, did I say? Sure, the Wretch, who sells his
Wife, deserves another Name; but I must be civil to him while I
despise him.
Mr. Modern, Mrs. Modern.
Mrs. Modern.
My Dear, Good-morrow.
Mr. Modern.
I hope, you slept well last Night, Madam; that is, I hope, you
had good Success at Cards.
Mrs. Modern.
Very indifferent. I had won a considerable Sum if it had not been
for a cursed Sans-prendre-vole, that swept the whole Table.
That Lady Weldon has such Luck, if I were superstitious, I
shou'd forswear playing with her—for I never play'd with her, but I
cheated, nor ever play'd with her, but I lost.
Mr. Modern.
Then without being very superstitious, I think, you may suspect
that she cheats too.
Mrs. Modern.
Did I not know the other Company; —for the very worst of
Quadrille is, one cannot cheat without a Partner. The Division of
a Booty gives one more Pain, than the winning it can Pleasure—I am
to make up Accounts to-morrow with Mrs. Sharpring—but where
to get the Money, I know not, unless you have it, Child.
Mr. Modern.
I have it! I wanted to borrow some of you; unless you can raise
me 500 Pounds by tomorrow Night, I shall be in a fair way to go to
Jail the next Morning.
Mrs. Modern.
If the whole Happiness of my Life depended on it, I cou'd not get
the tenth part.
Mr. Modern.
You do not manage Lord Richly right: Men will give any
thing to a Woman they are fond of.
Mrs. Modern.
But not to a Woman whom they were fond of—The Decay of Lord
Richly's Passion is too apparent for you not to have observ'd it.
He visits me seldom, and I am afraid, shou'd I ask a Favour of him,
it might break off our Acquaintance.
Mr. Modern.
Then, I see no reason for your Acquaintance; he dances no longer
at my House, if he will not pay the Musick—But hold, I have a
Thought
come into my Head, may oblige him to it, and make better Musick
for us than you imagine.
Mrs. Modern.
What is it?
Mr. Modern.
Suppose, I procur'd Witnesses of his Familiarity with you—I
shou'd recover swinging Damages.
Mrs. Modern.
But then my Reputation—
Mr. Modern.
Pooh, you will have enough to gild it; never fear your
Reputation, while you are rich— for Gold in this World covers as
many Sins, as Charity in the next. So that get a great deal, and give
away a little, and you secure your Happiness in both. Besides, in
this Case, all the Scandal falls on the Husband.
Mrs. Modern.
Oh no! I shall be no more visited— Farewel, dear Quadrille
; dear, dear, Sans-prendre-vole, and Matadores.
Mr. Modern.
You will be forc'd to quit these Pleasures otherwise, for your
Companions in 'em will quit you the very Moment they apprehend our
sinking Fortune. You will find that Wealth has a surer Interest to
introduce Roguery into Company, than Vertue to introduce Poverty.
Mrs. Modern.
You will never persuade me: my Reputation is dearer to me than my
Life.
Mr. Modern.
Very strange, that a Woman who made so little Scruple of
sacrificing the Substance of her Vertue, shou'd make so much of
parting with the Shadow of it.
Mrs. Modern.
'Tis the Shadow only that is valuable—Reputation is the Soul of
Vertue.
Mr. Modern.
So far indeed, that it survives long after the Body is dead. Tho'
to me, Vertue has appeared nothing more than a Sound, and Reputation
is its Echo. Is there not more Charm in the Chink of a thousand
Guineas, than in ten thousand Praises? But what need more Arguments,
as I have been contented to wear Horns for your Pleasure, it is but
reasonable, you shou'd let me show 'em for my Profit.
Mr. Modern.
Had I follow'd my own Inclinations, I had retir'd; and instead of
supporting these Extravagances by such Methods, had reduc'd my
Pleasures to my Fortune. 'Twas you, Madam, who by your unbridl'd
Pride, and Vanity run me into Debt, and then—I gave up your Person
to secure my own.
Mrs. Modern.
Ha! have I secur'd thy worthless Person at the Expence of mine?
no, Wretch, 'tis at the Price of thy Shame, I have purchas'd
Pleasures. Why, why do I say thy Shame? the mean, the groveling
Animal, whom any fear cou'd force to render up the Honour of his
Wife, must be above the fear of Shame. Did I not come unblemisht to
thee? Was not my Life unspotted as my Fame, 'till at thy base
Intreaties I gave up my Innocence?—Oh! that I had sooner seen thee
starve in Prison, which yet I will, ere thou shalt reap the Fruits of
my Misfortunes. No, I will publish thy Dishonour to the World.
Mr. Modern.
Nay, but, my Dear.
Mrs. Modern.
Despicable Monster!
Mr. Modern.
But, Child, hearken to Reason.
Mrs. Modern.
Never, never.
Mr. Modern.
I own my self in the wrong. I ask ten thousand Pardons. I will
submit to any Punishment.
Mrs. Modern.
To upbraid me with—
Mr. Modern.
My Dear, I am in the wrong, I say: I never will be guilty of the
like again.
Mrs. Modern.
Leave me a while, perhaps, I may come to my self.
Mr. Modern.
My Dear, I am obedient. Sure, the Grand Seignior has no Slave
equal to a contented Cuckold.
Mrs. Modern alone.
Mrs. Modern.
What shall I do? Money must be rais'd—but how? Is there on
Earth a Person that wou'd lend me twenty Guineas! I have lost
Gaywit's Heart too long to expect any thing there, nor wou'd my
Love ever suffer me to ask him. Ha! Bellamant, perhaps may do
it: he is generous, and I believe, he loves me. I will try him,
however—What wretched Shifts are they oblig'd to make use of, who
wou'd support the Appearance of a Fortune which they have not!
The Street before Lord Richly's Door.
Cap. Merit.
Cap. Merit.
That is the Door I must attack, and I have attackt a City with
less Reluctance. There is more Hardship in one Hour's base
Solicitation at a Levée, than in a whole Campaign.
Cap. Merit, Porter.
Cap. Merit.
Does my Lord Richly see Company this Morning?
Porter.
Sir, I cannot tell yet, whether he does or no.
Cap. Merit.
Nay, I have seen several Gentlemen go in.
Porter.
I know not whom you may see go in. I suppose, they have Business
with his Lordship. I hope, you will give my Lord leave to be at home
to whom he pleases.
Cap. Merit.
If Business be a Passport to his Lordship, I have Business with
him of Consequence.
Porter.
Sir, I shall tell him of it.
Cap. Merit.
Sir, I shall be oblig'd to you, to tell him now.
Porter.
I cannot carry any Message now, unless I knew you.
Cap. Merit.
Why, don't you know me? that my Name is Merit.
Cap. Merit, Cap. Bravemore, from the House.
Cap. Brave.
Merit, Good-morrow; what important Affair can have sent
you hither, whom I know to shun the Houses of the Great, as much as
Vertue does?
Cap. Merit.
Or as much as they do Poverty, for I have not been able to
advance farther than you see me. 'Sdeath, I have mounted a Breach
against an armed File of the Enemy, and yet a single Porter has
deny'd me Entrance at that Door. You, I see, have speeded better.
Cap. Brave.
Ha! ha! ha! thou errant Man of War—hark'ye, Friend, there is
but one Key to all the great Mens Houses in Town.
Cap. Merit.
Is it not enough to cringe to Pow'r, but we must do the same to
the Servants of Pow'r?
Cap. Brave.
Sir, the Servants of a great Man are all great Men. Wou'd you get
within their Doors, you must bow to the Porter, and Fee him too. Then
to go farther, you must pay your Devoirs to his Gentleman; and after
you have bowed for about half an Hour to his whole Family, at last you
may get a Bow from himself.
Cap. Merit.
Damnation! I'd sooner be a Galley-Slave; shall I, who have spent
my Youth and Health in my Country's Service, be forc'd by such mean
Vassalage to defend my old Age from Cold and Hunger, while ev'ry
painted Butterfly wantons in the Sunshine? [Col. Courtly crosses.]
'Sdeath, there's a Fellow now— that Fellow's Father was a Pimp; his
Mother, she turn'd Bawd; and his Sister, turn'd Whore; you see the
Consequence: How happy is that Country, where pimping and whoring are
esteemed publick Services, and where Grandeur, and the Gallows lie on
the same Road!
Cap. Merit.
There is a Company vacant in Colonel Favourite's Regiment,
which by his Lordship's Interest I hope to gain.
Cap. Brave.
But pray, by what do you hope to gain his Lordship's Interest?
Cap. Merit.
You know, Bravemore, I am little inclin'd to boasting; but
I think, my Services may speak something for me.
Cap. Brave.
Faith, I'm afraid you will find 'em dumb; or if they do speak, it
will be a Language understood by the Great. Suppose you apply to his
Nephew, Mr. Gaywit; His Interest with my Lord, may be of
service to you.
Cap. Merit.
I have often seen him at Mr. Bellamont's, and believe he
wou'd do any thing to serve me.
Cap. Brave.
But the Levee is begun by this: if you please, I'll introduce you
to't.
Cap. Merit.
What an abundance of poor Wretches go to the feeding the Vanity
of that Leviathan one great Rogue.
Lord Richly at his House.
L. Richly.
Ha! ha! ha—agreeable! Courtly, thou art the greatest
Droll upon Earth—you'll dine with me—Lord Lazy, will you
make me happy too?
L. Lazy.
I'll make my self so, my Lord.
L. Richly.
Mr. Woodall, your Servant, how long have you been in Town?
Woodall.
I cannot be particular, I carry no Almanack about me, my Lord, a
Week or a Fortnight perhaps, too much time to lose at this Season,
when a Man shou'd be driving the Foxes out of his Country.
Col. Courtly.
I hope, you have brought your Family to Town; a Parliament-man
shou'd always bring his Wife with him, that if he does not serve the
Publick, she may.
L. Richly.
Now I think Familiarity with the Wife of a Senator shou'd be made
a Breach of Privilege.
Woodall.
Ay, the Women wou'd thank us damnably for such a Vote—and the
Colonel here is a very likely Man to move it.
Col. Courtly.
Not I, for the Women then wou'd be as backward to be our Wives,
as the Tradesmen are now to be our Creditors.
Woodall.
To the fine Gentlemen of us, who lay out their small Fortunes in
Extravagance, and their slender Stock of Love on their Wenches. I
remember the time, when I was a young Fellow, that Men us'd to dress
like Men: But now I meet with nothing but a Parcel of Toupet Coxcombs,
who plaister up their Brains upon their Periwigs.
L. Richly.
I protest thou art an errant Wit, Woodall.
Col. Courtly.
Oh, he's one of the greatest Wits of his County.
Woodall.
I have one of the greatest Estates of my County, and by what I
can see, that entitles a Man to Wit here, as well as there.
Cap. Merit.
Methinks, this rough Spark is very free with his Lordship.
L. Richly.
I shall see him this Morning; you may depend on my speaking about
it. Captain Bravemore, I am glad to see you.
L. Richly.
Sir, I shall certainly do it.
Cap. Merit.
There being a Company vacant, my Lord—my Name is Merit.
L. Richly.
Mr. Merit, I shall be extremely glad to serve you. Sir
John, your most obedient humble Servant—Lazy,
what were you saying about Mr. Bellamant?
L. Lazy.
We were talking, my Lord, of his Affair, which was heard in our
House yesterday.
L. Richly.
I am sorry I was not there. It went against him, I think.
L. Lazy.
Yes, my Lord, and I am afraid it affects him deeply.
Col. Courtly.
Undone, Sir, quite undone.
L. Richly.
Upon my Soul, Mrs. Bellamant's a fine Woman.
Woodall.
Then I suppose, if her Husband's undone, you'll have her among
you.
L. Richly.
Woodall, thour't a Liquorish Dog. Thou woud'st have the
first Snap.
Woodall.
Not I, none of your Town Ladies for me; I always take leave of
Women from the time I come out of the Country till I go back agen.
L. Lazy.
Women! Pox on him! he means Foxes agen.
Col. Courtly.
He knows no difference.
Woodall.
Nor you either; but, hark'e, I fancy it is safer riding after the
one, than the other.
Col. Courtly.
Thy Ideas are as gross as thy Person.
L. Richly.
Hang him, sly Rogue—you never knew a Fox-hunter, that did not
love a Wench.
Woodall.
No, nor a Wench of any Sense that did not love a Fox-hunter.
L. Richly.
Modern, your Servant.
Mr. Modern.
I would presume only to remind your Lordship—
L. Richly.
Depend upon it, I will remember you— I hope, your Lady is well.
Mr. Modern.
Entirely at your Service, my Lord.
L. Richly.
I have a particular Affair to communicate to her, a Secret that I
cannot send by you; you know, all Secrets are not proper to trust a
Husband with.
Mr. Modern.
You do her too much Honour, my Lord; I believe you will find her
at Home any time to-day.
Mr. Modern.
Um—my Lord, as for my Wife, I believe, she is as good as most
Wives, I believe she is a vertuous Woman; that I think I may affirm of
her.
L. Richly.
That thou may'st, I dare swear; and that I as firmly believe as
thou dost thy self; and let me tell you, a vertuous Woman is no common
Jewel in this Age—but prithee, hast thou heard any thing of Mr.
Bellamant's Affairs?
Mr. Modern.
No more, than that he has lost his Cause, which he seem'd to
expect the other Night, when he was at my House.
L. Richly.
Then you are intimate.
Mr. Modern.
He visits my Wife pretty often, my Lord.
L. Richly.
Modern, you know I am your Friend— and now we are alone
let me advise you. Take care of Bellamant, take a particular
care of Bellamant— he is prudent enough in his Amours to pass
upon the World for a Constant Husband; but I know him— I know
him—he is a dangerous Man.
M. Modern.
My Lord, you surprize me so that—
L. Richly.
I know you will excuse this Freedom my Friendship takes; but
beware of Bellamant as you love your Honour.
Serv.
My Lord, the Coach is at the Door.
L. Richly.
My dear Modern, I see the great Surprize you are in: but
you'll excuse my Freedom.
Mr. Modern.
I am eternally oblig'd to your Lordship—
L. Richly.
Your humble Servant.
Mr. Modern.
I hope your Lordship will pardon my Freedom, if after all these
Obligations I beg leave once more to remind you.
L. Richly.
Depend upon it, I'll take care of you. What a World of poor
chimerical Devils does a Levee draw together? all gaping for Favours,
without the least Capacity of making a Return for them.
SCENE Mrs. Bellamant's House.
Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia.
Mrs. Bella.
Bid John put up the Coach. [To a Servant.] What
think you now, Emilia? has not this Morning's Ramble giv'n you
a Surfeit of the Town? After all the Nonsense and Ill-nature we have
heard to-day, wou'd it grieve one to part with the Place one is sure
to hear 'em over again in?
Emilia.
I am far from thinking any of its Pleasures worth too eager a
Wish—and the Woman who has with her, in the Country, the Man she
loves, must be a very ridiculous Creature to pine after the Town.
Mrs. Bella.
And yet, my Dear, I believe you know there are such ridiculous
Creatures.
Emilia.
I rather imagine, they retire with the Man they shou'd love, than
him they do: For a Heart that is passionately fond of the Pleasures
here, has rarely room for any other Fondness. The Town it self is the
Passion of the greater Part of our Sex; But such I can never allow a
just Notion of Love to— A Woman, that sincerely loves, can know no
Happiness without, nor Misery with her beloved Object.
Mrs. Bella.
You talk feelingly, I protest, I wish you don't leave your Heart
behind you—Come, confess; I hope, I have deserv'd rather to be
esteem'd your Confident than your Mother-in-Law.
Emilia.
Wou'd it be a Crime, if it were so? But if Love be a Crime, I am
sure you cannot upbraid me with it.
Emilia.
My Choice! Excellent! I carry his Picture in my Eyes, I suppose.
Mrs. Bella.
As sure as in your Heart, my Dear.
Emilia.
Nay, but dear Madam, tell me whom you guess.
Mrs. Bella.
Hush, here's Mr. Bellamant.
Enter Bellamant.
Mr. Bella.
So soon return'd, my Dear? Sure, you found no Body at Home.
Mrs. Bella.
Oh, my Dear! I have been in such an Assembly of Company, and so
pulled to pieces with Impertinence and Ill-nature—Welcome, Welcome!
the Country! for sure the World is so very bad, those Places are
best, where one has the least of it.
Mr. Bella.
What's the Matter?
Mrs. Bella.
In short, I have been downright affronted.
Mr. Bella.
Who durst affront you?
Mrs. Bella.
A Set of Women that dare do ev'ry thing, but what they shou'd
do—In the first Place, I was complimented with Prude, for not being
at the last Masquerade—with Dulness, for not entring into the Taste
of the Town in some of its Diversions— Then had my whole Dress run
over, and dislik'd; and to finish all, Mrs. Termagant told me I
lookt frightful.
Mr. Bella.
Not all the Paint in Italy can give her half your Beauty.
Mrs. Bella.
You are certainly the most complaisant Man in the World, and I
the only Wife who can retire Home, to be put in a good Humour. Most
Husbands are like a plain-dealing Looking-glass, which sullies all
the Compliments we have receiv'd abroad, by assuring us we do not
deserve 'em.
Mrs. Bella.
Your Father seems discompos'd—I wish there be no ill News in
his Letter.
Mr. Bella.
My Dear, I have a Favour to ask of you.
Mrs. Bella.
Say to command me.
Mr. Bella.
I gave you a Bank Note of a Hundred Yesterday, you must let me
have it agen.
Mrs. Bella.
I am the luckiest Creature in the World, that I did not pay away
some of it this Morning. Emilia, Child, come with me.
SIR,
If you have, or ever had any Value for me, send me a Hundred Pounds this Morning, or to make 'em more welcome than the last of Necessities can, bring them your self to—Yours—more than her own,
Hillaria Modern.
Why, what a Farce is human Life? How ridiculous is the Pursuit of our Desires, when the Enjoyment of 'em is sure to beget new ones?
Mr. Bellamant, Cap. Bellamant.
Cap. Bella.
Good-morrow, Sir.
Mr. Bella.
I suppose, Sir, by the Gaiety of your Dress, and your
Countenance, I may wish you Joy of something besides your Father's
Misfortunes.
Cap. Bella.
Wou'd you have me go into Mourning for your Losses, Sir?
Cap. Bella.
I am surpriz'd you shou'd call the Expences of a Gentleman,
Extravagance.
Mr. Bella.
I am sorry you think the Expences of a Fool, or Fop, the Expences
of a Gentleman: and that Race-Horses, Cards, Dice, Whores, and
Embroidery are necessary Ingredients in that amiable Composition.
Cap. Bella.
Faith, and they are so with most Gentlemen of my Acquaintance;
and give me leave to tell you, Sir, these are the Qualifications which
recommend a Man to the best Sort of People. Suppose, I had staid at
the University, and follow'd Greek and Latin, as you
advis'd me; What Acquaintance had I found at Court? What Bows had I
receiv'd at an Assembly, or the Opera?
Mr. Bella.
And will you please to tell me, Sir, what Advantage you have
receiv'd from these? Are you the wiser, or the richer? What are you?
Why, in your Opinion, better drest—Where else had been that smart
Toupet, that elegant Sword-knot, that Coat cover'd with Lace, and
then with Powder? That ever Heav'n shou'd make me Father to such a
drest up Daw! A Creature, who draws all his Vanity from the Gifts of
Tailors, and Periwig-Makers!
Cap. Bell.
Wou'd you not have your Son drest, Sir?
Mr. Bella.
Yes, and, if he can afford it, let him be sometimes fine; but let
him dress like a Man, not affect the Woman, in his Habit, or his
Gesture.
Cap. Bella.
If a Man will keep good Company, he must comply with the Fashion.
Mr. Bella.
I would no more comply with a ridiculous Fashion, than with a
vicious one; nor with that which makes a Man look like a Monkey, than
that which makes him act like any other Beast.
Mr. Bella.
I shall not give my self any farther Trouble with you: But since
all my Endeavours have prov'd ineffectual—leave you to the Bent of
your own Inclinations. But I must desire you to send me no more
Bills; I assure you, I shall not answer them— you must live on your
Commission—this last Misfortune has made it impossible that I shou'd
add one Farthing to your Income.
Cap. Bella.
I have an Affair in my View, which may add to it—Sir, I wish
you Good-morrow— when a Father and Son must not talk of
Money-Matters, I cannot see what they have to do together.
Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia.
Mrs. Bella.
Here is the Bill, my Dear.
Mr. Bella.
You shall be repaid in a Day or two.
Mrs. Bella.
I saw your Son part hastily from you, as I came in; I hope, you
have not been angry with him.
Mr. Bella.
Why will you ever intermeddle between us?
Mrs. Bella.
I hope you will pardon an Intercession, my Dear, for a
Son-in-Law; which I shou'd not be guilty of for a Son of my own.
Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia.
Mr. Gaywit.
Bellamant, Good-morrow—Ladies, your humble Servant.
Mr. Bella.
Servant, Mr. Gaywit. I thought your time had been so
employ'd, that you had forgot your Friends.
Mr. Gaywit.
I ought to excuse so long an Absence, but as Bellamant
knows that it must give my self the greatest Pain, he will impute it
to Business.
Mr. Bella.
Did I not also know, that two Days of thy Life were never giv'n
to Business yet?—
Mr. Bella.
You have been making Love to some new Mistress, I suppose.
Mr. Gaywit.
Fy, it is only Husbands make a Business of Love, to us 'tis but
an Amusement.
Mrs. Bella.
Very fine! and to my Face too!
Mr. Gaywit.
Mr. Bellamant, Madam, is so known an Exception to the
general Mode of Husbands, that what is thrown on them, cannot effect
one of so celebrated a Constancy.
Mrs. Bella.
That's a Virtue he may be celebrated for, without much Envy.
Mr. Gaywit.
He will be envy'd by all Men, for the Cause of that Constancy.
Were such Wives as Mrs. Bellamant less scarce, such Husbands as
my Friend wou'd be more common.
Emilia.
You are always throwing the Fault on us.
Mrs. Bella.
It is commonly in us, either in our Choice of our Husband, or our
Behaviour to them. No Woman, who married a Man of perfect Sense, was
ever unhappy, but from her own Folly. [Knock here.
Mr. Gaywit. [Looking out of the Window.]
Ha! a very worthy Uncle of mine, my Lord Richly.
Mr. Bella.
You'll excuse me, if I am not at Home.
Mr. Gaywit.
Fy! to deny your self to him, wou'd be unprecedented.
Mr. Bella.
I assure you, no—for I have often done it.
Mr. Gaywit.
Then, I believe, you are the only Man in Town that has. But it is
too late, I hear him on the Stairs.
Mrs. Bella.
Come, Emilia, we'll leave the Gentlemen to their
Entertainment; I have been surfeited with it already.
L. Richly, Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant.
L. Richly.
Dear Bellamant, I am your most obedient Servant. I am come
to ask you ten thousand Pardons,
that my Affairs prevented my Attendance the Day your Cause came
on. It might have been in my Power to have serv'd you beyond my single
Vote.
Mr. Bella.
I am oblig'd to your Lordship, but as I have great Reason to be
satisfied with the Justice of your honourable House—I am contented.
L. Richly.
I hope, the Loss was not considerable.
Mr. Bella.
I thought your Lordship had heard.
L. Richly.
I think, I was told twenty thousand Pound— but that's a Trifle,
a small Retrenchment in one's Expences—two or three dozen Suits the
less, and two or three dozen fewer Women in a Year, will soon
reimburse you.
Mr. Bella.
My Loss is not equal to what your Lordship intimates; nor can I
complain of a Fortune, still large enough to retire into the Country
with.
L. Richly.
Nay, dear Bellamant, we must not lose you so. Have you no
Friend that cou'd favour you with some comfortable snug Employment, of
a thousand or fifteen Hundred per Annum?
Mr. Gaywit.
Your Lordship is the properest Person in the World.
L. Richly.
Who I? I am sure, no Mortal wou'd do half so much to serve dear
Jack Bellamant as my self—but I have no Interest in the least.
Mr. Bella.
I am oblig'd to the good Offices of my Friend, but I assure your
Lordship I have no Intention that way. Besides, I have liv'd long
enough in the World, to see that Necessity is a bad a Recommendation
to Favours of that kind, which as seldom fall to those who really
want them, as to those who really deserve them.
L. Richly.
I can't help saying, those things are not easily obtained. I
heartily wish I could serve you in any thing—It gives me a great
deal of Uneasiness that my Power is not equal to my Desire.—Damn
it, I must turn this Discourse, or he'll never have done with it. Oh,
Bellamant! have you heard of the new Opera of Mr. Crambo?
L. Richly.
It will be call'd the Humours of Bedlam. I have read it,
and it is a most surprizing fine Performance. It has not one Syllable
of Sense in it from the first Page to the last.
Mr. Gaywit.
It must certainly take.
L. Richly.
Sir, it shall take, if I have Interest enough to support it. I
hate your dull Writers of the late Reigns. The Design of a Play is to
make you laugh; and who can laugh at Sense?
Mr. Gaywit.
I think, my Lord, we have improv'd on the Italians. They
wanted only Sense—We have neither Sense, nor Musick.
L. Richly.
I hate all Musick but a Jig.
Mr. Gaywit.
I don't think it wou'd be an ill Project, my Lord, to turn the
best of our Tragedies and Comedies into Operas.
L. Richly.
And, instead of a Company of Players, I wou'd have a Company of
Tumblers and Ballad-Singers.
Mr. Bella.
Why, Faith, I believe it will come to that soon, unless some
sturdy Critick should oppose it.
L. Richly.
No Critick shall oppose it. It wou'd be very fine, truly, if Men
of Quality were confin'd in their Taste; we should be rarely diverted,
if a Set of Pedants were to licence all our Diversions; the Stage
then wou'd be as dull as a Country Pulpit.
Mr. Gaywit.
And the Boxes in Drury-Lane, as empty as the Galleries in
St. James's.
Mr. Bella.
Like enough: for Religion and common Sense are in a fair way to
be banish'd out of the World together.
L. Richly.
Let 'em go, egad.
Mr. Bella.
This is, I believe, the only Age that has scorn'd a Pretence to
Religion.
L. Richly.
Then it is the only Age that hath scorn'd Hypocrisy.
Mr. Bella.
Rather, that Hypocrisy is the only Hypocrisy it wants. You shall
have a known Rascal set up for Honour—a Fool for Wit—and your
professed
dear bosom fawning Friend, who, tho' he wallow in Wealth, wou'd
refuse you ten Guineas to preserve you from Ruin, shall lose a hundred
times that Sum at Cards, to ruin your Wife.
L. Richly.
There dear Jack Bellamant is the happiest Man in the
World, by possessing a Wife whom a thousand times that Sum wou'd have
no effect on.
Mr. Bella.
I look upon my self equally happy, my Lord, in having no such
Friend as wou'd tempt her.
L. Richly.
That thou hast not, I dare swear. But I thank you for putting me
in mind of it. I must engage her in my Author's Cause, for I know her
Judgment has a great Sway.
Mr. Bella.
As our Stay will be so short in Town, she can do you no Service;
besides, I have heard her detest Partiality in those Affairs; you
wou'd never persuade her to give a Vote contrary to her Opinion.
L. Richly.
Detest Partiality! ha, ha, ha—I have heard a Lady declare for
doing Justice to a Play, and condemn it the very next Minute—Tho' I
knew she had neither seen, nor read it. Those things are entirely
guided by Favour.
Mr. Gaywit.
Nay, I see no reason to fix the Scandal on the Ladies; Party and
Prejudice have the same Dominion over us. Ask a Man's Character of one
of his Party, and you shall hear he is one of the worthiest,
honestest Fellows in Christendom; ask it of one of the opposite
Party, and you shall find him as worthless, good-for-nothing a Dog as
ever was hang'd.
Mr. Bella.
So that a Man must labour very hard to get a general good
Reputation, or a general bad one.
L. Richly.
Well, since you allow so much, you will give me leave to tempt
Mrs. Bellamant.
Mr. Bella.
With all my Heart, my Lord.
Mr. Gaywit.
Thou art a well-bred Husband, indeed, to give another leave to
tempt your Wife.
Mr. Bella.
I shou'd have been a very ill-bred one to have deny'd it. Who's
there?
Enter Servant.
L. Richly.
If I had said more, he had granted it, rather than have lost my
Favour. Poverty makes as many Cuckolds as it does Thieves.
Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant.
Mr. Gaywit.
I find, you are resolv'd to make your Wife share your
Misfortunes. It wou'd have been civil to have giv'n her the Choice of
not being at Home.
Mr. Bella.
I wanted to be alone with you—besides, Women have a Liberty of
sending away an impertinent Visitant which we have not.
Mr. Gaywit,
Ay, and a Way of entertaining Visitants too which we have not;
and he is a Visitant not easily sent away, I assure you. I have known
him receive very vigorous Rebuffs without retreating.
Mr. Bella.
You talk as if you suspected his making Love to my Wife.
Mr. Gaywit.
He does so to every Woman he sees; neither the strictest
Friendship profess'd to her Husband, nor the best Reputation on her
own side, can preserve any Woman he likes from his Attacks: for he is
arriv'd at a happy way of regarding all the rest of Mankind as his
Tenants, and thinks because he possesses more than they, he is
entitled to whatever they possess.
Mr. Bella.
Insolent Vanity! I wonder the Spirit of Mankind has not long
since crush'd the Tyranny of such Lordly Wolves; yet believe me,
Gaywit, there generally goes a great deal of Affectation to
compose this voluptuous Man. He oftner injures Women in their Fame,
than in their Persons. This Affectation of Variety discovers a sickly
Appetite; and many Mistresses, like many Dishes, are often sent away
untasted.
Mr. Bella.
Why ay, for we are come to an Age, wherein a Woman may live very
comfortably without it: as long as the Husband is content with his
Infamy, the Wife escapes hers.
Mr. Gaywit.
And I am mistaken, if many Husbands in this Town do not live very
comfortably by being content with their Infamy, nay, by being
Promoters of it. It is a modern Trade, unknown to our Ancestors, a
modern Bubble, which seems to be in a rising Condition at present.
Mr. Bella.
It is a Stock-jobbing Age, ev'ry thing has its Price; Marriage is
Traffick throughout; as most of us bargain to be Husbands, so some of
us bargain to be Cuckolds; and he wou'd be as much laught at, who
preferr'd his Love to his Interest, at this End of the Town, as he who
preferr'd his Honesty to his Interest at the other.
Mr. Gaywit.
You, Bellamant, have had Boldness enough, in Contradiction
to this general Opinion, to choose a Woman from her Sense and Virtues.
I wish it were in my Power to follow your Example— but—
Mr. Bella.
But the Opinion of the World, dear Boy—
Mr. Gaywit.
No, my good Forefathers have chosen a Wife for me. I am oblig'd
by the Settlement of Lord Richly's Estate to marry Lady
Charlotte.
Mr. Bella.
How!
Mr. Gaywit.
The Estate will descend to me so encumber'd, I assure you.
Mr. Bella.
I thought it had not been in Lord Richly's Power, to have
cut off the Entail.
Mr. Gaywit.
Not if I marry Lady Charlotte.
Mr. Bella.
I think you are happy in being engag'd to no more disagreeable
Woman.
Mr. Gaywit.
Lady Charlotte, is indeed pretty; but were she ev'ry thing
a Lover cou'd wish, or ev'n imagine—there is a Woman, my Friend—
Mr. Gaywit.
Did'st thou know how I love, you wou'd pity me: but didst thou
know whom, coud'st thou look upon her with Eyes like mine, cou'dst
thou behold Beauty, Wit, Sense, Good-nature, contending which shou'd
adorn her most?
Mr. Bella.
Poor Gaywit! thou art gone indeed.
Mr. Gaywit.
But I suppose, the Ladies have by this discharg'd their Visitant.
Now if you please, we will attend them.
Mr. Bella.
You will excuse me, if I leave you with 'em; which I will not do,
unless you promise I shall find you at my return.
Mr. Gaywit.
I intend to dedicate the Day to your Family; so dispose of me as
you please.
Mrs. Modern's House.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Modern.
Mrs. Modern.
I think, I ought to blame your Unkindness—I have not seen you
so long.
L. Richly.
Do you think a Week so long?
Mrs. Modern.
Once you wou'd have thought so.
L. Richly.
Why, truly, Hours in the Spring of Love are something shorter
than they are in the Winter.
Mrs. Modern.
Barbarous Man! do you insult me, after what I have done for you?
L. Richly.
I fancy, those Favours have been reciprocal.
Mrs. Modern.
Have I not giv'n you up my Virtue?
L. Richly.
And have I not paid for your Virtue, Madam? I am sure, I am 1500
Pounds out of Pocket, which in my Way of counting, is fourteen more
than any Woman's Virtue is worth; in short, our Amour is at an end,
for I am in pursuit of another Mistress.
Mrs. Modern.
Why do you come to torment me with her?
L. Richly.
Why, I wou'd have you act like other prudent Women in a lower
Station; when you can please no longer with your own Person, e'en do
it with other People's.
L. Richly.
You may rave, Madam, but if you will not do me a Favour, there
are wiser People enow who will—I fix'd on you out of a particular
Regard to you; for I think, when a Man is to lay out his Money, he is
always to do it with his Friends.
Mrs. Modern.
I'll bear it no longer.
L. Richly.
Pshaw!
L. Richly.
And, I think, I propose a very good Cure for 'em.
Mrs. Modern.
Lend me a hundred Guineas.
L. Richly.
I will do more.
Mrs. Modern.
Generous Creature!
L. Richly.
I'll give you—Twenty.
Mrs. Modern.
Do you jest with my Necessity?
L. Richly.
Lookee, Madam, if you will do a good-natur'd Thing for me, I will
oblige you in return as I promis'd you before, and I think that very
good Payment.
Mrs. Modern.
Pray, my Lord, use me with Decency at least.
L. Richly.
Why should we use more Decency to an old Acquaintance, than you
Ladies do to a new Lover, and have more Reason for so doing? You often
belye your Hearts, when you use us ill—In using you so, we follow
the Dictates of our Natures.
Enter a Servant, who delivers a Letter to Mrs. Modern.
Mrs. Modern.
Ha! it is Bellamant's Hand—and the Note that I
desir'd—This is lucky, indeed.
Lord Richly, Mr. Gaywit, Emilia, Lady Charlotte, Captain Bellamant, Mrs. Modern.
L. Richly.
So! here's an end of my Business for the present, I find.
Cap. Bella.
How can you be surpriz'd at one of no Taste, Lady Charlotte
?
Mrs. Modern.
I suppose, it was very full.
La. Charl.
Oh! ev'ry Body was there; all the World.
Mr. Gaywit.
How can that be, Lady Charlotte, when so considerable a
Part, as Mrs. Modern, was wanting?
Mrs. Modern.
Civil Creature! when will you say such a thing?
Cap. Bella.
When I am as dull, Madam.
L. Richly.
Very true! no one makes a Compliment, but those that want Wit for
Satyr.
Mr. Gaywit.
Right, my Lord. It is as great a Sign of want of Wit to say a
good-natur'd thing, as want of Sense to do one.
La. Charl.
Oh! I wou'd not say a good-natur'd thing for the World. Captain
Bellamant, did you ever hear me say a good-natur'd thing in your
Life?
Mr. Gaywit.
But I am afraid, Lady Charlotte, tho' Wit be a Sign of
Ill-nature, Ill-nature is not always a Sign of Wit.
La. Charl.
I'll give you leave to say any thing, after what I have said this
Morning—Oh! dear Modern, I wish, you had seen Emilia's
Dressing-box! such Japoning—he! he! he!—she hath varnished over
a Windmil ten several times, before she discover'd, she had placed the
wrong Side upwards.
Mrs. Modern.
I have had just such another Misfortune. I have laid out thirty
Pounds on a Chest, and now I dislike it of all things.
La. Charl.
Oh! my Dear, I do not like one thing in twenty that I do my self.
Emilia.
You are the only Person that dislikes, I dare say, Lady
Charlotte.
La Charl.
Oh, you flatt'ring Creature! I wish, you cou'd bring my Papa to
your Opinion. He
says, I throw away more Money in Work than in Play.
Mrs. Modern.
But you have not heard half my Misfortune; for when I sent my
Chest to be sold, what do you think I was offer'd for my thirty Pounds
worth of Work?
La. Charl.
I don't know, fifty Guineas perhaps.
Mrs. Modern.
Twenty Shillings, as I live.
La. Charl.
Oh! intolerable! Oh! insufferable!
Cap. Bella.
But are we to have no Hazard this Morning?
Mrs. Modern.
With all my Heart—Lord Richly, what say you?
L. Richly.
My Vote always goes with the Majority, Madam.
Mrs. Modern.
Come then, the Shrine is within, and you that will offer at it,
follow me.
Mr. Gaywit, Emilia.
Emilia.
Mr. Gaywit, are you no Gamester?
Mr. Gaywit.
No, Madam, when I play, 'tis the utmost Stretch of my
Complaisance.
Emilia.
I am glad, I can find one who is as great an Enemy to play as my
self; for I assure you, we are both of the same Opinion.
Mr. Gaywit.
I wish we were so in ev'ry thing.
Emilia.
Sir!
Mr. Gaywit.
I say, Madam, I wish all of my Opinions were as well seconded;
and yet, methinks, I wou'd not have your Thoughts the same with mine.
Emilia.
Why so, pray?
Mr. Gaywit.
Because you must have then many an unhappy Hour, which that you
may ever avoid, will be still my heartiest Pray'r.
Emilia.
I am oblig'd to you, Sir.
Mr. Gaywit.
Indeed, you are not. It is a self-interested Wish: for believe
me, to see the least Affliction attend you, wou'd give this Breast the
greatest Agony it is capable of feeling.
Mr. Gaywit.
Nor I—call it a just Admiration of the highest Worth, call it
the tenderest Friendship if you please; tho' much I fear it merits the
sweetest, softest Name that can be giv'n to any of our Passions. If
there be a Passion pure without Allay, as tender and soft, as violent
and strong, you cannot sure miscall it by that Name.
Emilia.
You grow now too philosophical for me to understand you: besides,
you wou'd, I am sure, be best understood ironically; for who can
believe any thing of Mr. Gaywit, when he hath asserted that he
is unhappy?
Mr. Gaywit.
Nay, I will leave my Case to your own Determination when you know
it. Suppose me oblig'd to marry the Woman I don't like, debarr'd for
ever from her I love, I dote on, the Delight of my Eyes, the Joy of my
Heart. Suppose me oblig'd to forsake her, and marry—another.
Emilia.
But I cannot suppose you oblig'd to that.
Mr. Gaywit.
Were it not an impertinent Trouble, I cou'd convince you.
Emilia.
I know not why I may not be excus'd a little Concern for one who
hath expressed so much for me.
Mr. Gaywit.
Then, Madam, the Settlement of my whole Fortune obliges me to
marry Lady Charlotte Gaywit.
Emilia.
How!—but suppose the Refusal were on Lady Charlotte's
Side.
Mr. Gaywit.
That is my only Hope.
Emilia.
And I can assure you, your Hope is not ill-grounded.
Mr. Gaywit.
I know, she hath express'd some dislike to me; but she is a Woman
of that sort, that it is as difficult to be certain of her Dislike, as
her Affection; and whom the Prospect of Grandeur wou'd easily make
obedient to her Father's Commands.
Mr. Gaywit.
And if you are sincere, I never knew Happiness till this dear
Moment.
Mr. Gaywit, Emilia, Lord Richly, Mrs. Modern, Lady Charlotte, Captain Bellamant.
Mrs. Modern.
Victoria, Victoria!
Cap. Bella.
Stript, by Jupiter!
La. Charl.
Eleven Mains together, Modern; you are a Devil.
Emilia.
What's the matter, Lady Charlotte?
La. Charl.
Oh, my Dear, you never saw the like— Modern has held in
nine thousand Mains in one Hand, and won all the World.
Mr. Gaywit.
She has always great Luck at Hazard.
L. Richly.
Surprizing to-day, upon my Word.
Mrs. Modern.
Surprizing to me; for it is the first Success I have had this
Month; and I am sure, my Quadrille makes ev'ry one a sufficient
Amends for my Hazard.
L. Richly.
You are one of those, whose winning no body ever heard of, or
whose losing no one ever saw.
C. Bella.
But you forget the Auction, Lady Charlotte.
La. Charl.
What have I to do at an Auction, that am ruin'd and undone?
Mr. Gaywit.
As much as many that are undone; bid out of whim, in order to
raise the Price, and ruin others. Or if the Hammer shou'd fall upon
you, before you expect it, take a sudden dislike to the Goods, or
dispute your own Words, and leave them upon the Hands of the Seller.
Mrs. Modern.
How polite is that now? Gaywit will grow shortly as
well-bred, as Madcap.
Cap. Bella.
We shall have him there too, and he is the life of an Auction.
Emilia.
Let us but just call then.
La. Charl.
That Caution is admirable from you, when you know I never stay
above six Minutes any where. Well, you never will reform.
L. Richly.
I desire, Charlotte, you wou'd be at Home by Four.
La. Charl.
I shall very easily, my Lord, for I have not above fourteen or
fifteen Places to call at—Come, dear Creature, let us go, for I have
more Business than half the World upon my Hands, and I must positively
call at the Auction.
Mr. Gaywit.
Where you have no Business, it seems.
La. Charl.
Impertinent! Modern, your Servant.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Modern.
L. Richly.
I only waited till you were alone, Madam—to renew my Business.
Mrs. Modern.
If you intend to renew your Impertinence, I wish you wou'd omit
both.
L. Richly.
So, I find I have my Work to do over again.
Mrs. Modern.
But if you please, my Lord, to truce with your Proposals, and let
Piquet be the Word.
L. Richly.
So, you have taken Money out of my Daughters Hands, to put it
into mine.
Mrs. Modern.
Be not confident—I have been too hard for you before now.
L. Richly.
Well, and without a Compliment, I know none whom I wou'd sooner
lose to than your self; for to any one who loves Play as well as you,
and plays as ill, the Money we lose, by a surprizing ill Fortune, is
only lent.
L. Richly.
I am better acquainted with your Sex. It is as impossible to
persuade a Woman that she plays ill, as that she looks ill. The one
may make her tear her Cards, and the other break her Looking-glass.
SCENE continues.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Modern.
Mrs. Modern.
Can you be so cruel?
L. Richly.
Ridiculous! you might as well ask me for my whole Estate; I am
sure, I wou'd as soon give it you.
Mrs. Modern.
An everlasting Curse attend the Cards! —to be repiqu'd from
forty, when I play'd but for five! my Lord, I believe you a Cheat.
L. Richly.
At your Service, Madam—when you have more Money, if you will
honour me with Notice, I will be ready to receive it.
Mrs. Modern.
Stay, my Lord—give me the twenty Guineas.
L. Richly.
On my Conditions.
Mrs. Modern.
Any Conditions.
L. Richly.
Then you must contrive some way or other, a Meeting between me
and Mrs. Bellamant, at your House.
Mrs. Modern.
Mrs. Bellamant!
L. Richly.
Why do you start at that Name?
Mrs. Modern.
She has the Reputation of the strictest Vertue of any Woman in
Town.
Mrs. Modern.
And what do you propose by meeting her here?
L. Richly.
I am too civil to tell you plainly what I propose; tho' by your
Question one wou'd imagine you expected it.
Mrs. Modern.
I expect any thing from you, rather than Civility, my Lord.
L. Richly.
Madam, it will be your own Fault, if I am not civil to you. Do
this for me, and I'll deny you nothing.
Mrs. Modern.
There is one thing, which tempts me more than your Gold, which is
the Expectation of seeing you desert her, as you have done me.
L. Richly.
Which is a Pleasure you'll certainly have; and the sooner you
compass my Wishes, the sooner you may triumph in your own: Nay, there
is a third Motive will charm thee, my dear Hillaria, more than
the other two. When I have laid this Passion, which hath abated that
for you, I may return to your Arms with all my former Fondness.
Mrs. Modern.
Excuse my Incredulity, my Lord; for tho' Love can change its
Object, it can never return to the same again.
L. Richly.
I may convince you of the contrary— but to our Business;
Fortune has declar'd on our Side already, by sending Bellamant
hither: cultivate an Acquaintance with him, and you cannot avoid
being acquainted with his Wife. She is the perfect Shadow of her
Husband; they are as inseparable, as Lady Coquette and her
Lapdog.
Mrs. Modern.
Yes, or as her Ladyship and her Impertinence; or her Lapdog and
his Smell. Well, it is to me surprizing, how Women of Fashion can
carry Husbands, Children, and Lapdogs about with 'em; three Things I
never cou'd be fond of.
Mrs. Modern.
It is an uncommon Bravery in you, to single out the Woman who is
reputed to be the fondest of her Husband.
L. Richly.
She that is fond of one Man, may be fond of another. Fondness, in
a Woman's Temper, like the Love of Play, may prefer one Man, and one
Game; but will incline her to try more, especially, when she expects
greater Profit, and there I am sure, I am superior to my Rival: If
Flattery will allure her, or Riches tempt her, she shall be mine; and
those are the two great Gates by which the Devil enters the Heart of
Womankind—Pshaw! He here!—
Lord Richly, Mr. Modern, Mrs. Modern.
Mr. Modern.
I am your Lordship's most obedient humble Servant.
L. Richly.
Have you seen this new Opera, Madam?
Mrs. Modern.
I have heard vast Commendations of it; but I cannot bear an
Opera, now poor La Dovi's gone.
L. Richly.
Nor I, after poor A la Fama.
Mrs. Modern.
Oh! Cara la Dovi! I protest, I have often resolv'd to
follow her into Italy.
L. Richly.
You will allow A la Fama's Voice, I hope.
Mrs. Modern.
But the Mien of La Dovi, then her Judgment in Singing; the
Moment she enter'd the Stage, I have wish'd my self all Eyes.
L. Richly.
And the Moment A la Fama sung, I have wish'd my self all
Ears.
Mr. Modern.
I find, I am no desir'd part of this Company. I hope, your
Lordship will pardon me; Business of the greatest Consequence
requiring my Attendance, prevents my waiting on your Lordship
according to my Desires.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Modern.
L. Richly.
This unseasonable Interruption has quite cut the Thread of my
Design. Pox on him, a Husband, like the Fool in a Play, is of no Use
but to cause Confusion.
Mrs. Modern.
You wou'd have an Opportunity at my House, and to procure it, I
must be acquainted with Mrs. Bellamant; now, there is a lucky
Accident which you are not appriz'd of—Mr. Bellamant is an
humble Servant of mine.
L. Richly.
That is lucky indeed; cou'd we give her a Cause of Suspicion that
way, it were a lively Prospect of my Success; as persuading a Thief
that his Companion is false, is the surest way to make him so.
Mrs. Modern.
A very pretty Comparison of your Lordship's between the two
States.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Madam, Mr. Bellamant desires to know, if your Ladyship is
at home.
Mrs. Modern.
I am. Bring him into the Dining-Room.
L. Richly.
Thou dear Creature, let me but succeed in this Affair, I'll give
thee Millions.
Mrs. Modern.
More Gold, and fewer Promises, my Lord.
L. Richly.
An hundred Guineas shall be the Price of our first Interview.
Mrs. Modern.
Be punctual, and be confident. Go out the back Way, that he may
not see you
L. Richly.
Adieu, my Machiavil.
Mrs. Bellamant's House.
Mrs. Bellamant, Mr. Gaywit, Emilia.
Mrs. Bella.
And so, Lady Willitt, after all her Protestations against
Matrimony, has at last generously bestowed her self on a young Fellow
with no Fortune, the famous Beau Smirk.
Mr. Gaywit.
To which all other Virtues shou'd be sacrific'd, as it is the
greatest; the Ladies are apt to value themselves on their Virtue, as a
rich Citizen does on his Purse; and I do not know which is of the
greatest Use to the Publick.
Mrs. Bella.
Nor I, which are the oftnest Bankrupts.
Mr. Gaywit.
And as, in the City, they suspect a Man who is oftentatious of
his Riches; so shou'd I the Woman, who makes the most Noise of her
Virtue.
Mrs. Bella.
We are all the least solicitous about Perfections, which we are
well assur'd of our possessing. Flattery is never so agreeable as to
our blind Side. Commend a Fool for his Wit, or a Knave for his
Honesty, and they will receive you into their Bosoms.
Emilia.
Nay, I have known a pretty Lady who was vain of nothing but her
false Locks; and have seen a Pair of squinting Eyes, that never smil'd
at a Compliment made to any other Feature.
Mr. Gaywit.
Yes, Madam, and I know a pretty Gentleman, who obliges me very
often with his illspelt Songs; and a very ugly Poet, who hath made me
a Present of his Picture.
Emilia.
Well, since you see it is so agreeable to flatter one's blind
Side, I think you have no Excuse to compliment on the other.
Mr. Gaywit.
Then I shall have a very good Excuse to make you no Compliment at
all. But this I assure you, Emilia, the first Imperfection I
discover, I will tell you of it with the utmost Sincerity.
Emilia.
And I assure you with the utmost Sincerity, I shall not thank you
for it.
Mrs. Bella.
Then without any Flattery, you are two of the most open
Plain-dealers I have met with.
Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia, Lady Charotte, Mr. Gaywit.
La. Charl.
Dear Mrs. Bellamant, make some Excuse for me; I see,
Emilia is going to chide me for staying so long. When, did she
know the Fatigue I had this Afternoon,—I was just going into my
Coach, when Lady Twitter came in, and forc'd me away to a
Fan-shop. Well, I have seen a Set of the prettiest Fans to-day. My
dear Creature, where did you get that Lace? I never saw any thing so
ravishing.
Emilia.
I cannot see any thing so extraordinary in it.
La. Charl.
It cou'd not cost less than ten Pound a Yard—Oh! Mr. Gaywit
, are you here?
Emilia.
He goes with us to the Play.
La. Charl.
Oh hateful! how can you bear him? I wou'd as soon to the Chappel
with Lady Prude: I saw the ridiculous Creature cry at a
Tragedy.
Mrs. Bella.
Do you think he need be asham'd of that, Lady Charlotte?
La. Charl.
I wou'd as soon laugh at a Comedy, or fall asleep at an Opera.
Mrs. Bella.
What is the Play to-night?
La. Charl.
I never know that. Miss Rattle and I saw four Acts the
other Night, and came away without knowing the Name. I think, one only
goes to see the Company, and there will be a great deal to-night; for
the Dutchess of Simpleton sent to me this Morning. Emilia
, you must go with me after the Play: I must make just fourteen Visits
between Nine and Ten: Yesterday, was the first Payment I have made
since I came to Town, and I was able to compass no more than three
and forty; tho' I only found my Lady Sober at Home, and she was
at Quadrille— Lud, Mrs. Bellamant, I think you have
left off play, which is to me surprizing, when you play'd so very
well.
Mrs. Bella.
And yet I believe, you hardly ever saw me win.
Mr. Gaywit.
Which you never fail of doing as often as you play.
La. Charl.
Do you hear him?
Emilia.
Oh! he sets up for a Plain-dealer, that is, one who shews his Wit
at the Expence of his Breeding.
La. Charl.
Yes, and at the Expence of his Truth.
Emilia.
Never mind him, Lady Charlotte, you will have the Town on
your Side.
Mr. Gaywit.
Yes, they will all speak for you that play against you.
La. Charl.
This is downright insupportable.
Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia, Mr. Gaywit, Lady Charlotte, Captain Bellamant.
La. Charl.
Oh! here's Captain Bellamant shall be my Voucher.
Cap. Bella.
That you may be assur'd of, Lady Charlotte, for I have so
implicit a Faith in your Ladyship, that I know you are in the right
before you speak.
La. Charl.
Mr. Gaywit does not allow me to play at Quadrille.
Cap. Bella.
He may as well deny that your Ladyship sees; besides, I do not
lay a great deal of Weight on his Judgment, whom I never saw play at
all.
La. Charl.
Oh, abominable! then he does not live at all. I wish my whole
Life was one Party at Quadrille.
Cap. Bella.
As a Spaniard's is a Game at Chess, egad.
Mrs. Bella.
I never intend to sacrifice my Time entirely to play, till I can
get no one to keep me Company for nothing.
Mr. Gaywit.
Right, Madam, I think the Votaries to Gaming, shou'd be such as
want Helps for Conversation: And none shou'd have always Cards in
their Hands, but those who have nothing but the Weather in their
Mouths.
La. Charl.
Intolerable! Mrs. Bellamant an Advocate against Play?—
Lord Richly, Mr. Gaywit, Captain Bellamant, Lady Charlotte, Emilia, Mrs. Bellamant.
L. Richly.
Who is an Advocate against Play?
La. Charl.
Mrs. Bellamant, my Lord.
L. Richly.
She is grown a perfect Deserter from the Beau Monde: She
has declar'd her self against Mr. Crambo too.
La. Charl.
Against dear Mr. Crambo?
Mrs. Bella.
I am only for indulging Reason in our Entertainments, my Lord. I
must own, when I see a polite Audience pleas'd at seeing Bedlam
on the Stage, I cannot forbear thinking them fit for no other Place.
L. Richly.
Now, I am never entertain'd better.
La. Charl.
Nor I. Oh dear Bedlam! I have gone there once a Week for a
long time. I am charm'd with those delightful Creatures, the Kings,
and the Queens.
Cap. Bella.
And your Ladyship has contributed abundance of Lovers, all Kings,
no doubt: for he that cou'd have the Boldness to attempt you, might
with much less Madness dream of a Throne.
La. Charl.
Well, I shou'd like to be a Queen. I fancy, 'tis very pretty to
be a Queen.
Cap. Bella.
Were I a King, Lady Charlotte, you shou'd have your Wish.
La. Charl.
Ay, but then, I must have you too— I wou'd not have an odious
filthy He-Creature for the World.
Mr. Gaywit.
Faith, you cannot easily find any, who is less of the
He-Creature.
Mr. Gaywit.
At least, you'll suffer me to put this Lady into it.
Cap. Bella.
And me to put your Ladyship in.
La. Charl.
Dear Mrs. Bellamant, your most obedient Servant.
L. Richly.
Shall I have the Honour, in the mean time, of entertaining you at
Piquet?
Mrs. Bella.
Your Lordship has such a vast Advantage over me—
L. Richly.
None in the least: but if you think so, Madam, I'll give you what
Points you please.
Mrs. Bella.
For one Party then, my Lord—Get Cards there—Your Lordship
will excuse me a Moment.
L. Richly.
Charming Woman!—and thou art mine, as surely as I wish
thee—Let me see—she goes into the Country in a Fortnight—Now, if
I compass my Affair in a Day or two, I shall be weary of her by that
time, and her Journey will be the most agreeable thing that can
happen.
Mr. Modern's House.
Mrs. Modern, Mr. Bellamant.
Mrs. Modern.
Is it not barbarous, nay, mean, to upbraid me with what nothing
but the last Necessity could have made me ask of you?
Mr. Bella.
You wrong me; I lament my own Necessities, not upbraid yours. My
Misfortune is too publick for you not to be acquainted with it; and
what restrains me from supporting the Pleasures of the best Wife in
the World, may, I think, justly excuse me from supporting those of a
Mistress.
Mrs. Modern.
Do you insult me with your Wife's Virtue? You! who have robb'd me
of mine?—yet Heaven will, I hope, forgive me this first Slip; and if
henceforth I ever listen to the Siren Perswasions of your false
ungrateful Sex, may I—
Mr. Bella.
But hear me, Madam.
Mrs. Modern.
Would I had never heard, nor seen, nor known you.
Mr. Bella.
If I alone have robb'd you of your Honour, it is you alone have
robb'd me of mine.
Mrs. Modern.
Your Honour! ridiculous! the Virtue of a Man!
Mr. Bella.
Madam, I say, my Honour; if to rob a Woman who brought me Beauty,
Fortune, Love and Virtue; if to hazard the making her miserable be no
Breach of Honour, Robbers and Murderers may be honourable Men: Yet,
this I have done, and this I do still for you.
Mrs. Modern.
We will not enter into a Detail, Mr. Bellamant, of what we
have done for one another; perhaps, the Balance may be on your Side:
If so, it must be still greater; for I have one Request which I must
not be denied.
Mr. Bella.
You know, if it be in my Power to grant, it is not in my Power to
deny you.
Mrs. Modern.
Then for the sake of my Reputation, and to prevent any Jealousy
in my Husband, bring me acquainted with Mrs. Bellamant.
Mr. Bella.
Ha!
Mrs. Modern.
By which means we shall have more frequent Opportunities
together.
Mr. Bella.
Of what use your Acquaintance can be, I know not.
Mrs. Modern.
Do you scruple it? This is too plain an Evidence of your Contempt
of me; you will not introduce a Woman of stain'd Virtue to your Wife:
Can you, who caused my Crime, be the first to contemn me for it?
Mr. Bella.
Since you impute my Caution to so wrong a Cause, I am willing to
prove your Error.
Mrs. Modern.
Let our Acquaintance begin this Night then, try if you cannot
bring her hither now.
Mrs. Modern.
I envy, not admire her for an Affection which any Woman might
preserve to you.
Mr. Bella.
I fly to execute your Commands.
Mrs. Modern.
Stay—I—
Mr. Bella.
Speak.
Mrs. Modern.
I must ask one last Favour of you— and yet I know not
how—tho' it be a Trifle, and I will repay it—only to lend me
another Hundred Guineas.
Mr. Bella.
Your Request, Madam, is always a Command. I shall think Time
flies with Wings of Lead till I return.
Mrs. Modern sola.
Mrs. Modern.
And I shall think you fly on golden Wings, my dear Gallant. Thou
Ass, to think that the Heart of a Woman is to be won by Gold, as well
as her Person; but thou wilt find, though a Woman often sells her
Person she always gives her Heart.
Mrs. Bellamant's House.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Bellamant, at Piquet.
L. Richly.
Six Parties successively! sure, Fortune will change soon, or I
shall believe she is not blind.
Mrs. Bella.
No, my Lord, you either play with too great Negligence, or with
such Ill-luck that I shall press my Victory no farther at present.
Besides I can't help thinking five Points place the Odds on my Side.
L. Richly.
Can you change this Note, Madam?
Mrs. Bella.
Let it alone, my Lord.
L. Richly.
Excuse me, Madam, if I am superstitiously observant to pay my
Losings, before I rise from the Table—Besides, Madam, it will give
me an infinite Pleasure to have the finest Woman in the World in my
Debt. Do but keep it till I have the Honour of seeing you again. Nay,
Madam, I must
insist on it, tho' I am forced to leave it in your Hands thus—
Mrs. Bellamant sola.
Mrs. Bella.
What can this mean!—I am confident too that he lost the last
Party designedly. I observed him fix his Eyes stedfastly on mine, aud
sigh, and seem careless of his Game—It must be so— he certainly
hath a Design on me. I will return him this Note immediately, and am
resolved never to see him more.
Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant.
Mrs. Bella.
My Dear! where have you been all Day? I have not had one Moment
of your Company since Dinner.
Mr. Bella.
I have been upon Business of very great Consequence, my Dear.
Mrs. Bella.
Is it fit for me to hear?
Mr. Bella.
No, my Dear, it would only make you uneasy.
Mrs. Bella.
Nay, then I must hear it, that I may share your Concern.
Mr. Bella.
Indeed, it would rather aggravate it: It is not in your Power to
assist me; for since you will know it, an Affair hath happen'd, which
makes it necessary for me to pay an Hundred Guineas this very
Evening.
Mrs. Bella.
Is that all?
Mr. Bella.
That indeed was once a Trifle—but now it makes me uneasy.
Mrs. Bella.
So it doth not me, because it is in my Power to supply you—Here
is a Note for that Sum; but I must be positively repaid within a Day
or two: It is only a Friend's Money trusted in my Hands.
Mrs. Bella.
Be assured, I desire no greater Blessing than the continual
Reflection of having pleased you.
Mr. Bella.
Are you engaged, my Love, this Evening?
Mrs. Bella.
Whatever Engagement I have, it is in your Power to break.
Mr. Bella.
If you have none, I will introduce you to a new Acquaintance: One
whom I believe you never visited, but must know by Sight—Mrs.
Modern.
Mrs. Bella.
It is equal to me in what Company I am, when with you. My Eyes
are so delighted with that principal Figure, that I have no Leisure to
contemplate the rest of the Piece. I'll wait on you immediately.
Mr. Bellamant solus.
Mr. Bella.
What a Wretch am I! Have I either Honour or Gratitude, and can I
injure such a Woman? How do I injure her! While she perceives no
Abatement in my Passion, she is not injured by its inward Decay: Nor
can I give her a secret Pain, while she hath no Suspicion of my secret
Pleasures. Have I not found too an equal Return of Passion in my
Mistress? Does she not sacrifice more for me than a Wife can? The
Gallant is, indeed, indebted for the Favours he receives: But the
Husband pays dearly for what he enjoys. I hope, however, this will be
the last hundred Pounds I shall be asked to lend. My Wife's having
this dear Note was as lucky as it was unexpected—Ha!—the same I
gave this Morning to Mrs. Modern; Amazement, what can this
mean?
Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant.
Mr. Bella.
My Dear, be not angry at my Curiosity, but pray tell me—how
came you by this?
Mr. Bella.
And I have as particular a Reason for asking it.
Mrs. Bella.
I beg you not to press me: perhaps you will oblige me to
sacrifice a Friend's Reputation.
Mr. Bella.
The Secret shall rest in my Bosom, I assure you.
Mrs. Bella.
But suppose, I should have promised not to suffer it from my own.
Mr. Bella.
A Husband's Command breaks any Promise.
Mrs. Bella.
I am surprized to see you so solicitous about a Trifle.
Mr. Bella.
I am rather surprized to find you so tenacious of one; besides be
assured, you cannot have half the Reason to suppress the Discovery, as
I to insist upon it.
Mrs. Bella.
What is your Reason?
Mr. Bella.
The very Difficulty you make in telling it.
Mrs. Bella.
Your Curiosity shall be satisfied then; but I beg you would defer
it now. I may get absolved from my Promise of Secrecy. I beg you would
not urge me to break my Trust.
Mr. Bella. [Aside.]
She certainly hath not discovered my Falshood, that were
impossible: besides I may satisfy my self immediately by Mrs. Modern
.
Mrs. Bella.
What makes you uneasy? I assure you, there is nothing in this
worth your knowing.
Mr. Bella.
I believe it, at least I shall give up my Curiosity to your
Desire.
Mrs. Bella.
I am ready to wait on you.
Mr. Bella.
I must make a short Visit first on what I told you, and will call
on you immediately.
Mrs. Bellamant sola.
Mrs. Bella.
What can have given him this Curiosity I know not, but should I
have discovered the
Truth, who can tell into what Suspicions it might have betrayed
him? His jealous Honour might have resolved on some fatal Return to
Lord Richly, had he taken it in the same way as I do; whereas
by keeping the Secret, I preserve him every way from Danger; for I my
self will secure his Honour without exposing his Person. I will my
self give Lord Richly his Discharge. How nearly have I been
unawares to the Brink of Ruin! for, surely, the lightest Suspicion of
a Husband is Ruin, indeed!
SCENE, Mrs. Modern's House.
Mr. Modern, Mrs. Modern.
Mr. Modern.
In short, Madam, you shall not drive a separate Trade at my
Expence. Your Person is mine, I bought it lawfully in the Church, and
unless I am to profit by the Disposal, I shall keep it all for my own
Use.
Mrs. Modern.
This Insolence is not to be borne.
Mr. Modern.
Have I not winked at all your Intrigues? Have I not pretended
Business, to leave you and your Gallants together? Have I not been the
most obsequious, observant—
Mrs. Modern.
Out with it, you know what you are.
Mr. Modern.
Do you upbraid me with your Vices, Madam?
Mrs. Modern.
My Vices—call it Obedience to a Husband's Will. Can you deny
that you have your self persuaded me to the Undertaking? Can you
forget
the Arguments you used to convince me that Virtue was the
lightest of Bubbles?
Mr. Modern.
I own it all; and had I felt the Sweets of your Pleasures, as at
first, I had never once upbraided you with them; but as I must more
than share the Dishonour, it is surely reasonable I should share the
Profit.
Mrs. Modern.
And have you not?
Mr. Modern.
What if I have—
Mrs. Modern.
Why do you complain then?
Mr. Modern.
Because I find those Effects no more. Your Cards run away with
the Lucre of your other Pleasures—and you lose to the Knaves of your
own Sex, what you get from the Fools of ours.
Mrs. Modern.
'Tis false, you know I seldom lose— Nor indeed can I
considerably; for I have not lately had it in my Power to stake high:
Lord Richly, who was the Fountain of our Wealth, hath long been
dry to me.
Mr. Modern.
I hope, Madam, this new Gallant will turn to a better Account.
Mrs. Modern.
Our Amour is yet too young to expect any Fruit from thence.
Mr. Modern.
As young as it is, I have Reason to believe it is grown to
Perfection. Whatever Fruits I may expect from him, it is not
impossible, from what hath already happened, but I may expect some
from you, and that is not golden Fruit. I am sure if Women sprung
from the Earth, as some Philosophers think, it was from the Clay of
Egypt, not the Sands of Peru. Serpents and Crocodiles are
the only Fruit they produce.
Mrs. Modern.
Very true, and a Wife contains the whole ten Plagues of her
Country.
Mrs. Modern.
That would have been only the Custom of the Country: You have
done more, you have sold her in England; in a Country, where
Women
are as backward to be sold to a Lover, as to refuse him; and
where Cuckold is almost the only Title of Honour that can't be bought.
Mr. Modern.
This ludicrous Behaviour, Madam, as ill becomes the present
Subject, as the entertaining new Gallants doth the Tenderness you this
Morning expressed for your Reputation. In short, it is impossible
that your Amours should be secret long; and however careless you have
been of me whilst I have had my Horns in my Pocket, I hope you'll take
care to gild them when I am to wear them in Publick.
Mrs. Modern.
What would you have me do?
Mr. Modern.
Suffer me to discover you together; by which means we may make
our Fortunes easy all at once. One good Discovery in
Westminster-Hall will be of greater Service than his utmost
Generosity— The Law will give you more in one Moment, than his Love
for many Years.
Mrs. Modern.
Don't think of it.
Mr. Modern.
Yes, and resolve it; unless you agree to this, Madam, you must
agree immediately to break up our House, and retire into the Country.
Mrs. Modern.
Racks and Tortures are in that Name.
Mr. Modern.
But many more are in that of a Prison; so you must resolve either
to quit the Town, or submit to my Reasons.
Mrs. Modern.
When Reputation is gone, all Places are alike: when I am despised
in it, I shall hate the Town as much as now I like it.
Mr. Modern.
There are other Places and other Towns; the whole World is the
House of the Rich, and they may live in what Apartment of it they
please.
Mrs. Modern.
I cannot resolve.
Mr. Modern.
But I can: if you will keep your Reputation, you shall carry it
into the Country, where it will be of Service—In Town it is of
none—or if it be, 'tis, like Clogs, only to those that walk on
Foot; and the one will no more recommend you in an Assembly, than the
other.
Mr. Modern.
Do you tax me with Want of Love for you? Have I not for your sake
stood the publick Mark of Infamy? Would you have had me poorly kept
you, and starv'd you?—No—I could not bear to see you want,
therefore have acted the Part I've done: And yet while I have wink'd
at the giving up your Virtue, have I not been the most industrious to
extol it every where?
Mrs. Modern.
So has Lord Richly, and so have all his Creatures, a
common Trick among you: to blazon out the Reputation of Women, whose
Virtue you have destroyed; and as industriously blacken them who have
withstood you. A Deceit so stale, that your Commendation wou'd fully a
Woman of Honour.
Mr. Modern.
I have no longer Time to reason with you; so I shall leave you to
consider on what I have said.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Modern.
L. Richly.
What Success, my Angel.
Mrs. Modern.
Hope all, my Lord, that Lovers wish or Husbands fear; she will be
here.
L. Richly.
When?
Mrs. Modern.
Now, to-night, instantly.
L. Richly.
Thou Glory of Intrigue, what Words shall thank thee?
Mrs. Modern.
No Words at all, my Lord, a Hundred Pounds must witness the first
Interview.
Mrs. Modern.
That you must not expect yet.
L. Richly.
By Heaven I do, I have more Reason to expect it than you imagine;
I have not been wanting to my Desires, since I left you. Fortune too
seems to have watched for me. I got her to Piquet, threw away
six Parties, and left her a Bank-Note of a Hundred for the Payment of
Six Pound.
Mrs. Modern.
And did she receive it?
L. Richly.
With the same Reluctancy that a Lawyer or Physician would a
double Fee, or a Court-Priest a Plurality.
Mrs. Modern.
Then there is Hope of Success, indeed.
L. Richly.
Hope, there is Certainty, the next Attack must carry her.
Mrs. Modern.
You have a hundred Friends in the Garrison, my Lord.
L. Richly.
And if some of them do not open the Gates for me, the Devil's in
it: I have succeeded often by leaving Money in a Lady's Hands; she
spends it, is unable to pay, and then I, by Virtue of my Mortgage,
immediately enter upon the Premises.
Mrs. Modern.
You are very generous, my Lord.
L. Richly.
My Money shall always be the humble Servant of my Pleasures; and
it is the Interest of Men of Fortune to keep up the Price of Beauty,
that they may have it more among themselves.
Mrs. Modern.
I am as much pleased, as surprized, at this your Prospect of
Success; and from this Day forward I will think with you, all Vertue
to be only Pride, Caprice, and the Fear of Shame.
L. Richly.
Vertue, like the Ghost in Hamlet, is here, there, every
where, and no where at all; its Appearance is as imaginary as that of
a Ghost; and they are much the same sort of People, who are in Love
with one, and afraid of the other. It is a Ghost which hath seldom
haunted me, but I have had the Power of laying it.
L. Richly.
And the dearest, I assure you, which is some Sacrifice to your
Vanity; and shortly I will make an Offering to your Revenge, the two
darling Passions of your Sex.
Mrs. Modern.
But how is it possible for me to leave you together, without the
most abrupt Rudeness?
L. Richly.
Never regard that; as my Success is sure, she will hereafter
thank you for a Rudeness so seasonable.
Mrs. Modern.
Mr. Bellamant too will be with her.
L. Richly.
He will be as agreeably entertained with you in the next Room,
and as he does not suspect the least Design in me, he will be
satisfied with my being in her Company.
Mrs. Modern.
Sure, you will not attempt his Wife while he is in the House.
L. Richly.
Pish! He is in that Dependence on my Interest, that, rather than
forfeit my Favour, he would be himself her Pander. I have made twenty
such Men subscribe themselves Cuckolds by the Prospect of one Place,
which not one of them ever had.
Mrs. Modern.
So that your Fools are not caught like the Fish in the Water by a
Bait, but like the Dog in the Water by a Shadow.
L. Richly.
Besides I may possibly find a Pretence of sending him away.
Mrs. Modern.
Go then to the Chocolate-House, and leave a Servant to bring you
word of their Arrival. It will be better you should come in to them
than they find you here.
L. Richly.
I will be guided by you in all things, and be assured the
Consummation of my Wishes shall be the Success of your own.
Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Modern.
Mrs. Modern.
Where's Mrs. Bellamant?
Mr. Bella.
She will be here immediately: But I chose a few Moments Privacy
with you, first to deliver you this, and next to ask you one Question,
which do not be startled at. Pray, how did you employ that Note you
received this Morning?
Mrs. Modern.
Nay, if you expect an Account of me, perhaps you will still do
so; so let me return you this.
Mr. Bella.
Do not so injuriously mistake me. Nothing but the most
extraordinary Reason could force me to ask you; know then that the
very Note you had of me this Morning, I received within this Hour
from my Wife.
Mrs. Modern.
Ha! ha! ha!
Mr. Bella.
Why do you laugh, Madam?
Mrs. Modern.
Out of Triumph, to see what empty Politicians Men are found, when
they oppose their weak Heads to ours! On my Conscience, a Parliament
of Women would be of very great Service to the Nation.
Mr. Bella.
Were all Ladies capable as Mrs. Modern, I should be very
ready to vote on their Side.
Mrs. Modern.
Nay, nay, Sir, you must not leave out your Wife, especially you
that have the best Wife in the World, ha, ha, ha.
Mr. Bella.
Forgive me, Madam, if I have been too partial to a Woman, whose
whole Business hath been to please me.
Mrs. Modern.
Oh! You have no Reason to be ashamed of your good Opinion; you
are not singular in it, I assure you; Mrs. Bellamant will have
more Votes than one.
Mr. Bella.
I am indifferent how many she has, since I am sure she will make
Interest but for one.
Mrs. Modern.
"It is the Curse of Fools to be secure, And that be
thine and Altamont's, ha, ha, ha.
Mrs. Modern.
Then to introduce my Explanation, the Note you lent me, I lost at
Piquet to Lord Richly.
Mr. Bella.
To Lord Richly!
Mrs. Modern.
Who perhaps might dispose of it to some who might lend it to
others, who might give it to those who might lose it to your Wife.
Mr. Bella.
I know not what to suppose.
Mrs. Modern.
Nor I; for sure one cannot suppose, especially since you have the
best Wife in the World; one cannot suppose, that it could be a Present
from Lord Richly to her self, that she received it, that in
Return she hath sent him an Assignation to meet her here.
Mr. Bella.
Suppose! Hell and Damnation, No.
Mrs. Modern.
But certainly, one could not affirm that this is Truth.
Mr. Bella.
Affirm!
Mrs. Modern.
And yet all this is true, as true as she is false. Nay, you shall
have an Instance! an immediate undeniable Instance. You shall see it
with your own Eyes, and hear it with your own Ears.
Mr. Bella.
Am I alive?
Mrs. Modern.
If all the Husbands of these best Wives in the World are dead, we
are a strange Nation of Ghosts. If you will be prudent, and be like
the rest of your Brethren, keep the Affair secret, I assure you I'll
never discover it.
Mr. Bella.
Secret! Yes, as inward Fire, till sure Destruction shall attend
its Blaze. But why do I rage? it is impossible; she must be innocent.
Mrs. Modern.
Then Lord Richly is still a greater Villain to belye that
Innocence to me: But give your self no Pain of Anxiety since you are
so shortly to be certain. Go fetch her hither, Lord Richly will
be here almost as soon as you; then feign some Excuse to leave the
Room, I will soon follow you, and convey you where you shall have an
Opportunity of being a Witness either to her Innocence or her Guilt.
Mrs. Modern.
To convince you That is all I desire, I am willing to leave the
Town and Reputation at once, and retire with you wherever you please.
Mr. Bella.
That must be the Subject of our future Thoughts. I can think of
nothing now but Satisfaction in this Affair.
Mrs. Modern, Lately.
Mrs. Modern.
Come hither, Lately, get me some Citron-Water. I am
horribly out of Order.
Lately.
Yes, Madam.
Mrs. Modern.
To be slighted in this manner: Insupportable! What is the Fool
doing.
Lately.
There is no Citron-Water left. Your Ladyship drank the last half
Pint this Morning.
Mrs. Modern.
Then bring the Cinnamon-Water, or the Surfeit-Water, or the
Aniseed-Water, or the Plague-Water, or any Water.
Lately.
Here, Madam.
Lately.
In my Opinion your Ladyship never looked better.
Mrs. Modern.
Go, you Flatterer; I look like my Lady Grim.
Lately.
Where are your Ladyship's little Eyes, your short Nose, your wan
Complexion, and your low Forehead?
Lately.
Then her left Hip is tucked up under her Arm, like the Hilt of a
Beau's Sword; and her disdainful Right is never seen, like its Blade.
Mrs. Modern.
Then she has two Legs, one of which seems to be the Dwarf of the
other, and are alike in nothing but their Crookedness.
Lately.
And yet she thinks herself a Beauty.
Mrs. Modern.
She is, indeed, the Perfection of Ugliness.
Lately.
And a Wit I warrant you.
Mrs. Modern.
No doubt she must be very quick-sighted, for her Eyes are almost
crept into her Brain.
Lately., Mrs. Modern.
He, he, he.
Mrs. Modern.
And yet the detestable Creature hath not had Sense enough, with
all her Deformity to preserve her Reputation.
Lately.
I never heard, I own, any thing against that.
Mrs. Modern.
You hear, you Fool, you Dunce, what should you hear? Have not all
the Town heard of a certain Colonel?
Lately.
Oh! Lud! What a Memory I have! Oh! yes, Madam, she has been quite
notorious. It is surprizing, a little Discretion should not preserve
her from such publick—
Mrs. Modern.
If she had my Discretion, or yours, Lately.
Lately.
Your Ladyship will make me proud, indeed, Madam.
Mrs. Modern.
I never could see any want of Sense in you, Lately. I
could not bear to have an insensible Creature about me. I know several
Women of Fashion I could not support for a tiring Woman. What think
you of Mrs. Charmer?
Lately.
Think of her! that were I a Man, she shou'd be the last Woman I
attacked. I think her an ugly,
ungenteel, squinting, flirting, impudent, odious, dirty Puss.
Mrs. Modern.
Upon my Word, Lately, you have a vast deal of Wit too.
Lately.
I am beholden for all my Wit, as well as my Clothes, to your
Ladyship. I wish, your Ladyship wore out as much Clothes as you do
Wit; I should soon grow rich.
Mrs. Modern.
You shall not complain of either. Oh! [Knocking.] They are
come, and I will receive them in another Room.
John, Lately.
John.
So, Mrs. Lately, you forget your old Acquaintance; but
Times are coming when I may be as good as another, and you may repent
your Inconstancy.
Lately.
Odious Fellow!
John.
I would have you to know, I look on my self to be as good as your
new Sweetheart, tho' he has more Lace on his Livery, and may be a Year
or two younger, and as good a Man I am too; and so you may tell him.
Why does not he stay at Home? What does he come into our Family for?
Lately.
Who gave you Authority to enquire, Sirrah?
John.
Marry, that did you, when you gave me a Promise to marry me;
well, I shall say no more; but Times are a coming, when you may wish
you had not forsaken me. I have a Secret.
Lately.
A Secret! Oh, let me hear it.
John.
No, no, Mistress, I shall keep my Secrets as well as you can
yours.
Lately.
Nay, now you are unkind; you know, tho' I suffer Tom Brisk
to visit me, you have my Heart still.
Lately.
The Devil, you are. Going to the Devil for me! what does the Fool
mean?
John.
Ay, I am to get a hundred Pounds that you may marry me.
Lately.
A hundred Pounds! and how are you to get a hundred Pounds, my
dear John?
John.
Only by a little Swearing.
Lately.
What are you to swear?
John.
Nay, if I tell you, it would be double Perjury; for I have sworn
already, I would not trust it with any Body.
Lately.
Oh! but you may trust me.
John.
And if you should trust some Body else.
Lately.
The Devil fetch me, if I do.
John.
Then my Master is to give me an hundred Pound to swear that he is
a Cuckold.
Lately.
What's this?
John.
Why, my Master has offered me an hundred Pound, if I discover my
Lady and Mr. Bellamant in a proper Manner; and let me but see
them together, I'll swear to the Manner, I warrant you.
Lately.
But can you do this with a safe Conscience?
John.
Conscience, pshaw; which would you choose, a Husband with a
hundred Pound, or a safe Conscience? Come give me a Dram out of your
Mistress's Closet; and there I'll tell you more.
Lately.
Come along with me.
SCENE changes to another Apartment.
Lord Richly, Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant, Mrs. Modern.
L. Richly.
Well, Madam, you have drawn a most delightful Sketch of Life.
Mrs. Modern.
Then it is still Life; for I dare swear there never were
such People breathing.
Mrs. Modern.
Indeed, I do not know what it may have been in the Plains of
Arcadia; but truly, in those of Great Britain, I believe
not.
L. Richly.
I must subscribe to that too.
Mrs. Bella.
Mr. Bellamant, what say you?
Mr. Bella.
Oh! my Dear, I am entirely of your Mind.
L. Richly.
This is a Miracle almost equal to the other, to see a Husband and
Wife of the same Opinion. I must be a Convert too; for it would be the
greatest Miracle of all to find Mrs. Bellamant in the wrong.
Mrs. Bella.
It would be a much greater to find want of Complaisance in Lord
Richly.
Mr. Bella. [Aside.]
Confusion!
Mrs. Modern.
Nay, Madam, this is hardly so; for I have heard his Lordship say
the same in your Absence.
L. Richly.
Dear Bellamant, I believe, I have had an Opportunity to
serve you this Afternoon. I have spoke to Lord Powerful, he
says, he is very willing to do for you. Sir Peter, they tell
me, is given over, and I fancy, you may find my Lord at Home now.
Mr. Bella.
I shall take another Opportunity, my Lord, a particular Affair
now preventing me.
L. Richly.
The Loss of an Hour hath been often the Loss of a Place; and
unless you have something of greater Consequence, I must advise you as
a Friend.
Mr. Bella.
I shall find a Method of thanking you.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Bellamant, Mrs. Modern.
L. Richly.
I wish you Success, you may command any thing in my Power to
forward it.
Mrs. Bella.
Mr. Bellamant is more indebted to your Lordship, than he
will be ever able to pay.
L. Richly.
Mr. Bellamant, Madam, has a Friend, who is able to pay
more Obligations than I can lay on him.
Mrs. Modern.
I am forc'd to be guilty of a great piece of Rudeness, by leaving
you one Moment.
L. Richly.
And I shall not be guilty of losing it.
Lord Richly, Mrs. Bellamant.
L. Richly.
And can you, Madam, think of retiring from the general Admiration
of Mankind?
Mrs. Bella.
With Pleasure, my Lord, to the particular Admiration of him who
is to me all Mankind.
L. Richly.
Is it possible any Man can be so happy?
Mrs. Bella.
I hope, my Lord, you think Mr. Bellamant so.
L. Richly.
If he be, I pity him much less for his Losses, than I envy him
the Love of her in whose Power it may be to redress them.
Mrs. Bella.
You surprize me, my Lord: In my Power!
L. Richly.
Yes, Madam; for whatever is in the Power of Man, is in yours: I
am sure, what little Assistance mine can give, is readily at your
Devotion. My Interest and Fortune are all in these dear Hands; in
short, Madam, I have languish'd a long Time for an Opportunity to tell
you, that I have the most violent Passion for you.
Mrs. Bella.
My Lord, I have been unwilling to understand you; but now your
Expression leaves me no other Doubt, but whether I hate or despise you
most.
Mrs. Bella.
Is this the Friendship you have profess'd to Mr. Bellamant
?
L. Richly.
I'll make his Fortune. Let this be an Instance of my future
Favours.
L. Richly.
I have gone too far to retreat, Madam; if I cannot be the Object
of your Love, let me be oblig'd to your Prudence. How many Families
are supported by this Method which you start at? Does not many a
Woman in this Town drive her Husband's Coach?
Mrs. Bella.
My Lord, this Insolence is intolerable, and from this Hour I
never will see your Face again.
Mr. Modern with Servants, Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Modern, Lord Richly, Mrs. Bellamant.
Mr. Modern.
Come out, Strumpet, show thy Face and thy Adulterer's before the
World; thou shalt be a severe Example of the Vengeance of an injur'd
Husband.
L. Richly.
I have no farther Business here at present; for I fear, more
Husbands have discover'd Injuries, than one.
Mr. Bella.
This was a Master-piece of my evil Genius.
Mrs. Modern.
Sir, this Insult upon my Reputation shall not go unreveng'd; I
have Relations, Brothers, who will defend their Sister's Fame from the
base Attacks of a perfidious Husband, from any Shame he would bring
on her Innocence.
Mrs. Modern.
Sir, you shall smart for the Falsehood of this Accusation.
Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant.
Mr. Bella. [After some Pause.]
When the Criminal turns his own Accuser, the merciful Judge
becomes his Advocate: Guilt is too plainly written in my Face to
admit of a Denial, and I stand prepar'd to receive what Sentence you
please.
Mrs. Bella.
As you are your own Accuser, be your own Judge; you can inflict
no Punishment on your self equal to what I feel.
Mr. Bella.
Death has no Terrors equal to that Thought. Ha! I have involv'd
thee too in my Ruin, and thou must be the wretched Partaker of my
Misfortunes.
Mrs Bella.
While I was assur'd of your Truth, I could have thought that
Happiness enough: yet, I have still this to comfort me, the same
Moment that has betray'd your Guilt, has discover'd my Innocence.
Mr. Bella.
Oh! thou ungrateful Fool, what Stores of Bliss hast thou in one
vicious Moment destroy'd! [To himself.] Oh! my Angel, how have
I requited all your Love and Goodness? For what have I forsaken thy
tender virtuous Passion?
Mrs. Bella.
For a new one. How could I be so easily deceiv'd? How could I
imagine there was such Truth in Man, in that inconstant fickle Sex,
who are
so prone to Change; that to indulge their Fondness for Variety,
they would grow weary of a Paradise to wander in a Desert?
Mr. Bella.
How weak is that Comparison to shew the Difference between thee,
and every other Woman!
Mrs. Bella.
I once had that Esteem of you; but hereafter, I shall think all
Men the same; and when I have wean'd my self of my Love for you, will
hate them all alike.
Mr. Bella.
Thy Sentence is too just. I own, I have deserv'd it, I never
merited so good a Wife. Heaven saw it had given too much, and thus has
taken the Blessing from me.
Mrs. Bella.
You will soon think otherwise. If Absence from me can bring you
to those Thoughts, I am resolv'd to favour them.
Mr. Bella.
Thou shalt enjoy thy Wish, we will part, part this Night, this
Hour. Yet, let me ask one Favour, the Ring which was a Witness of our
Meeting, let it be so of our Separation. Let me bear this as a
Memorial of our Love. This shall remind me of all the tender Moments
we have had together, and serve to aggravate my Sorrows: Henceforth,
I'll study only to be miserable; let Heaven make you happy, and curse
me as it pleases.
Mrs. Bella.
It cannot make me more wretched than you have made me.
Mr. Bella.
Yet, do believe me when I swear, I never injur'd you with any
other Woman. Nay, believe me when I swear how much soever I may have
deserv'd the Shame I suffer, I did not now deserve it.
Mrs. Bella.
And, must we part?
Mr. Bella.
Since it obliges you.
Mrs. Bella.
That I may have nothing to remember you by, take back this, and
this, and this, and all the thousand Embraces thou hast given
me—till I die in thy loved Arms—and thus we part for ever.
Mr. Bella.
Ha!
Mr. Bella.
Oh! let me press thee to my Heart; for every Moment that I hold
thee thus, gives Bliss beyond Expression, a Bliss no Vice can give.
Now Life appears desirable again. Yet shall I not see thee miserable?
Shall I not see my Children suffer for their Father's Crime?
Mrs. Bella.
Indulge no more uneasy Thoughts; Fortune may have Blessings yet
in store for us and them.
Mr. Bella.
Excellent Goodness! my future Days shall have no Wish, no Labour,
but for thy Happiness; and from this Hour, I'll never give thee Cause
of a Complaint.
SCENE Mr. Bellamant's House
Emilia speaking to a Servant, afterwards Lady Charlotte.
Emilia.
It is very strange you will not give me the Liberty of denying
myself; that you will force me to be at Home, whether I will or no.
Serv.
I had no such Order from your Ladyship.
Emilia.
Well, well, go wait upon her up. I am but in an ill Humour to
receive such a Visit; I must try to make it as short as I can.
La. Charl.
Emilia, Good-morrow: Am not I an early Creature? I have
been so frightned with some News I have heard—I am heartily
concern'd for
you, my Dear, I hope the Fright has not done you any Mischief.
Emilia.
I am infinitely oblig'd to you, Lady Charlotte.
La. Charl.
Oh! I could not stay one Moment; you see, I hurried into my Chair
to you half undrest; never was Creature in such a Pickle, so
frightful; Lud! I was oblig'd to draw all the Curtains round me.
Emilia.
I don't perceive you had any Reason for that, Lady Charlotte
.
La. Charl.
Why, did you ever see any thing so hideous, so odious as this
Gown? Well, Emilia, you certainly have the prettiest Fancy in
the World. I like what you have on now, better than Lady Pinup's
, tho' hers cost so much more. Some People have the strangest way of
laying out their Money. You remember our Engagement to-night.
Emilia.
You must excuse me; it will look very odd to see me abroad on
this Occasion.
La. Charl.
Not odd in the least. No Body minds these Things. There's no Rule
upon such Occasions. Sure, you don't intend to stay at Home, and
receive formal Visits.
Emilia.
No; but I intend to stay at Home, and receive no Visits.
La. Charl.
Why, Child, you will be laugh'd at by all the Town. There never
was such a Thing done in the World; staying at Home is quite left off
upon all Occasions; a Woman scarce stays at Home a Week for the Death
of a Husband. Dear Emilia, don't be so aukward: I can make no
Excuse for you; Lady Polite will never forgive you.
Emilia.
That I shall be sorry for: but I had rather not be forgiven by
her, than by my self.
Captain Bellamant, Lady Charlotte, Emilia.
Cap. Bella.
Sister, Good-morrow; Lady Charlotte abroad so early!
Cap. Bella.
You will never be able to hold it out till Night.
Emilia. [Aside.]
I am sure if she should take it in her Head to stay with me, I
shall not: And unless some dear Creature, like her self, should come
and take her away, I seem to be in Danger.
La. Charl. [To Bellamant after a Whisper.]
Don't tell me of what I said last Night. Last Night was last
Year; an Age ago: and I have the worst Memory in the World.
Cap. Bella.
You seem to want one, egad!
La. Charl.
Indeed, I do not. A Memory would be of no Use to me; for I was
never of the same Mind twice in my Life: and tho' I should remember
what I said at one Time, I should as certainly remember not to do it
at another.
Cap. Bella.
You dear agreeable Creature! Sure, never two People were so like
one another as you and I are. We think alike, we act alike, and some
People think, we are very much alike in the Face.
La. Charl.
Do you hear him, Emilia? He has made one of the most
shocking Compliments to me; I believe, I shall never be able to bear a
Looking-glass again.
Cap. Bella.
Faith, and if it was not for the Help of a Looking-glass, you
would be the most unhappy Creature in the World.
La. Charl.
Impertinent!
Cap. Bella.
For then you would be the only Person debarr'd from seeing the
finest Face in the World.
Emilia.
Very fine, indeed.
La. Charl.
Civil enough. I think, I begin to endure the Wretch again now.
Cap. Bella.
Keep but in that Mind half an Hour—
La. Charl.
Emilia, Good-morrow, you will excuse the Shortness of my
Visit.
Emilia.
No Apologies on that Account, Lady Charlotte.
Emilia alone.
Emilia.
So, I am once more left to my own Thoughts. Heaven knows, they
are like to afford me little Entertainment. Oh! Gaywit! too
much I sympathize with thy Uneasiness. Didst thou know the Pangs I
feel on thy Account, thy generous Heart would suffer more on mine.
Ha! my Words have rais'd a Spirit.
Emilia, Mr. Gaywit.
Mr. Gaywit.
I hope, Madam, you will excuse a Visit at so unseasonable an
Hour.
Emilia.
Had you come a little earlier, you had met a Mistress here.
Mr. Gaywit.
I met the Lady you mean, Madam, at the Door, and Captain
Bellamant with her.
Emilia.
You are the most Cavalier Lover I know, you are no more jealous
of a Rival with your Mistress, than the most polite Husband is of one
with his Wife.
Mr. Gaywit.
A Man should not be jealous of his Friend, Madam, and I believe,
Captain Bellamant will be such to me in the highest Manner. I
wish, I were so blest in another Heart, as he appears to be in Lady
Charlotte's. I wish, I were as certain of gaining the Woman I do
love, as of losing her I do not.
Emilia.
I suppose, if your Amour be of any Date, you can easily guess at
the Impressions you have made.
Mr. Gaywit.
No, nor can she guess at the Impression she has made on me; for
unless my Eyes have done it, I never acquainted her with my Passion.
Emilia.
And that your Eyes have done it, you may be assur'd, if you have
seen her often. The Love
that can be conceal'd, must be very cold indeed; but, methinks,
it is something particular in you to desire to conceal it.
Mr. Gaywit.
I have been always fearful to disclose a Passion, which I know
not whether it be in my Power to pursue. I would not even have given
her the Uneasiness to pity me, much less have tried to raise her
Love.
Emilia.
If you are so tender of her, take care you never let her suspect
so much Generosity. That may give her a secret Pang.
Mr. Gaywit.
Heaven forbid it should, one equal to those I feel; lest, while I
am endeavouring to make my Addresses practicable, she should
unadvisedly receive those of another.
Emilia.
If she can discover your Love as plain as I can, I think you may
be easy on that Account.
Mr. Gaywit.
He must dote like me who can conceive the Ecstasy these Words
have given.
Emilia. [Knocking.]
Come in.
Serv.
Your Honour's Servant, Sir, is below.
Mr. Gaywit.
I come to him—Madam, your most obedient Servant; I go on
Business which will by Noon give me the Satisfaction of thinking I
have preserv'd the best of Fathers to the best of Women.
Emilia.
I know, he means mine; but why do I mention that, when every
Action of his Life leaves me no other Doubt than whether it convinces
me more of his Love, or of his deserving mine.
Lord Richly's House.
Lord Richly, Servant.
L. Richly.
Desire Mr. Bellamant to walk in. What can the Meaning of
this Visit be? Perhaps, he comes to make me Proposals concerning his
Wife; but my Love shall not get so far the better of my Reason, as to
lead me to an extravagant Price; I'll not go above two Thousand,
that's positive.
Lord Richly, Mr. Bellamant.
L. Richly.
My dear Bellamant.
Mr. Bella.
My Lord, I have receiv'd an Obligation from you, which I thus
return.
Mr. Bella.
The Obligation indeed was to my Wife, nor hath she made you a
small Return; since it is to her Intreaty you owe your present Safety,
your Life.
L. Richly.
I am not appriz'd of the Danger; but would owe my Safety to no
one, sooner than to Mrs. Bellamant.
Mr. Bella.
Come, come, my Lord; this Prevarication is low and mean: You
know, you have us'd me basely, villanously; and under the Cover of
Acquaintance and Friendship have attempted to corrupt my Wife; for
which, but that I would not suffer the least Breath of Scandal to
sully her Reputation, I would exact such Vengeance on thee—
L. Richly.
Sir, I must acquaint you, that this is a Language I have not been
us'd to.
Mr. Bella.
No, the Language of Flatterers and hireling Sycophants has been
what you have dealt in— Wretches, whose Honour and Love are as venal
as their Praise. Such your Title might awe, or your Fortune bribe to
Silence; such you should have dealt with, and not have dared to injure
a Man of Honour.
L. Richly.
This is such Presumption—
Mr. Bella.
No, my Lord, yours was the Presumption, mine is only Justice,
nay, and mild too; unequal to your Crime which requires a Punishment
from my Hand, not from my Tongue.
L. Richly.
Do you consider who I am?
Mr. Bella.
Were you as high as Heraldy could lift you, you should not injure
me unpunish'd. Where Grandeur
can give Licence to Oppression, the People must be Slaves, let
them boast what Liberty they please.
L. Richly.
Sir, you shall hear of this.
Mr. Bella.
I shall be ready to justify my Words by any Action you dare
provoke me to: And be assur'd of this, if ever I discover any future
Attempts of yours to my Dishonour, your Life shall be its Sacrifice.
Hence forward, my Lord, let us behave, as if we had never known one
another.
Lord Richly, Mr. Gaywit.
Mr. Gaywit.
Your Lordship is contemplative.
L. Richly.
So, Nephew, by this early Visit, I suppose you had ill Luck last
Night; for where Fortune frowns on you, she always smiles on me, by
blessing me with your Company.
Mr. Gaywit.
I have long since put it out of the Power of Fortune to do me
either Favour or Injury. My Happiness is now in the Power of another
Mistress.
L. Richly.
And thou art too pretty a Fellow not to have that Mistress in
your Power.
Mr. Gaywit.
The Possession of her, and in her of all my Desires, depends on
your Consent.
L. Richly.
You know, Harry, you have my Consent to possess all the
Women in Town, except those few that I am particular with: Provided
you fall not foul on mine, you may board and plunder what Vessels you
please.
Mr. Gaywit.
This is a Vessel, my Lord, neither to be taken by force, nor
hired by Gold. I must buy her for Life, or not board at all.
Mr. Gaywit.
My Lord, I have had some Experience in Women, and I believe, that
I never could be weary of the Woman I now love.
L. Richly.
Let me tell you, I have had some Experience too, and I have been
weary of forty Women that I have lov'd.
Mr. Gaywit.
And, perhaps, in all that Variety, you may not have found one of
equal Excellence with her I mean.
L. Richly.
And pray, who is this Paragon you mean?
Mr. Gaywit.
Must I, my Lord, when I have painted the finest Woman in the
World, be oblig'd to write Miss Bellamant's Name to the
Picture?
L. Richly.
Miss Bellamant!
Mr. Gaywit.
Yes, Miss Bellamant.
L. Richly.
You know Mr. Bellamant's Losses; you know what happen'd
Yesterday, which may entirely finish his Ruin; and the Consequence of
his Ruin must be the Ruin of his Daughter; Which will certainly throw
her Vertue into your Power; for Poverty as surely brings a Woman to
Capitulation, as Scarcity of Provisions does a Garrison.
Mr. Gaywit.
I cannot take this Advice, my Lord: I would not take Advantage
from the Misfortunes of any; but surely, not of the Woman I love.
L. Richly.
Well, Sir, you shall ask me no more; for if my Consent to your
Ruin will oblige you, you have it.
Mr. Gaywit.
My Lord, I shall ever remember this Goodness, and will be ready
to sign any Instrument to secure a very large Fortune to Lady
Charlotte when you please.
Lord Richly solus.
L. Richly.
Now if he takes my Consent from my own Word, I may deny it
afterwards, so I gain the whole Estate for my Daughter, and bring an
entire Destruction upon Bellamant and his whole Family:
Charming Thought! that would be a Revenge, indeed; nay, it may
accomplish all my Wishes too; Mrs. Bellamant may be mine at
last.
Lord Richly, Mr. Modern.
Mr. Modern.
My Lord, I was honour'd with your Commands.
L. Richly.
I believe, I shall procure the Place for you, Sir.
Mr. Modern.
My Obligations to your Lordship are so infinite, that I must
always be your Slave.
L. Richly.
I am concern'd for your Misfortune, Mr. Modern.
Mr. Modern.
It is a common Misfortune, my Lord, to have a bad Wife. I am
something happier than my Brethren in the Discovery.
L. Richly.
That, indeed, may make you amends more ways than one. I cannot
dissuade you from the most rigorous Prosecution; for, tho' dear
Jack Bellamant be my particular Friend, yet in Cases of this
nature, even Friendship it self must be thrown up. Injuries of this
kind are not to be forgiven.
Mr. Modern.
Very true, my Lord; he has robb'd me of the Affections of a Wife,
whom I have lov'd as tenderly as my self: Forgive my Tears, my Lord—
I have lost all I held dear in this World.
L. Richly.
I pity you, indeed; but comfort your self with the Hopes of
Revenge.
Mr. Modern.
Alas! my Lord, what Revenge can equal the Dishonour he has
brought upon my Family? Think on that, my Lord; on the Dishonour I
must endure. I cannot name the Title they will give me.
Mr. Modern.
My Ease for ever lost, my Quiet gone, my Honour stain'd, my
Honour, my Lord. Oh! 'tis a tender Wound.
L. Richly.
Laws cannot be too rigorous against Offences of this Nature:
Juries cannot give too great Damages. To attempt the Wife of a
Friend—To what Wickedness will Men arrive?—Mr. Modern, I
own, I cannot blame you in pushing your Revenge to the utmost
Extremity.
Mr. Modern.
That I am resolv'd on. I have just receiv'd an Appointment from
your Lordship's Nephew, Mr. Gaywit; I suppose to give me some
Advice in the Affair.
L. Richly. [Aside.]
Ha! that must be to dissuade him from the Prosecution—Mr.
Modern, if you please, I'll set you down, I have some particular
Business with him: besides, if he knows any thing that can be of
Service to you, my Commands shall enforce the Discovery. Bid the
Coachman pull up.
Mr. Modern.
I am the most oblig'd of all your Lordship's Slaves.
Another Apartment.
Lady Charlotte, Captain Bellamant and Servant.
La. Charl.
My Lord gone out! then d'ye hear! I am at home to no Body.
Cap. Bella.
That's kind, indeed, Lady Charlotte, to let me have you
all to my self.
La. Charl.
You! you confident thing! how came you here? don't you remember,
I bad you not to follow me?
Cap. Bella.
Yes, but it's so long ago, that I'm surpriz'd you should remember
it.
La. Charl.
Indeed, Sir, I always remember to avoid what I don't like. I
suppose you don't know that I hate you of all things.
Cap. Bella.
Not I, upon my Soul! the Duce take me, if I did not think, you
had lik'd me, as well as I lik'd you, ha, ha.
Cap. Bella.
Pshaw! that's nothing; that will all go off; a Month's Marriage
takes off the Homeliness of a Husband's Face, as much as it does the
Beauty of a Wife's.
La. Charl.
And so you would insinuate that I might be your Wife? O horrible!
shocking Thought!
Cap. Bella.
Nay, Madam, I am as much frighten'd at the Thoughts of Marriage,
as you can be.
La. Charl.
Indeed, Sir, you need not be under any Apprehensions of that
kind, upon my Account.
Cap. Bella.
Indeed, but I am, Madam; for what an unconsolable Creature wou'd
you be, if I shou'd take it in my Head to marry any other Woman.
La. Charl.
Well, he has such an excessive Assurance that I am not really
sure, whether he is not agreeable. Let me die, if I am not under some
sort of Suspense about it—and yet I am n't neither—for to be sure
I don't like the thing—and yet methinks, I do too—and yet I do not
know what I should do with him neither—Hi! hi! hi! this is the
foolishest Circumstance that ever I knew in my Life.
Cap. Bella.
Very well! sure, Marriage begins to run in your Head at last;
Madam.
La. Charl.
A propos! do you know that t'other Day, Lady Betty
Shuttlecock and I laid down the prettiest Scheme of Matrimony,
that ever enter'd into the Taste of People of Condition.
Cap. Bella.
O! pray let's hear it.
La. Charl.
In the first place then, when ever she or I marry, I am resolv'd
positively to be Mistress of my self; I must have my House to my self,
my Coach to my self, my Servants to my self, my Table, Time, and
Company to my self; Nay, and sometimes when I have a mind to be out of
Humour, my Bed to my self.
Cap. Bella.
Right, Madam, for a Wife and a Husband always together, are, to
be sure, the flattest Company in the World.
Cap. Bella.
O charmingly charming! ha, ha, what a contemptible Creature is a
Woman, that never does any thing, without consulting her Husband?
La. Charl.
Nay, there you're mistaken again, Sir: For I would never do any
thing without consulting my Husband.
Cap. Bella.
How so, dear Madam?
La. Charl.
Because sometimes one may happen to be so low in Spirits, as not
to know one's own Mind; and then, you know, if a foolish Husband
should happen to say a Word on either Side, why one determines on the
contrary without any farther Trouble.
Cap. Bella.
Right, Madam, and a thousand to one, but the happy Rogue, your
Husband, might warm his indolent Inclinations too from the same Spirit
of Contradiction, ha, ha.
La. Charl.
Well, I am so passionately fond of my own Humour, That let me
die, if a Husband were to insist upon my never missing any one
Diversion this Town affords, I believe in my Conscience, I should go
twice a Day to Church, to avoid 'em.
Cap. Bella.
O fy! you could not be so unfashionable a Creature!
La. Charl.
Ay, but I would tho'. I do not care what I do, when I'm vext.
Cap. Bella.
Well! let me perish, this is a most delectable Scheme. Don't you
think, Madam, we shall be vastly happy?
La. Charl.
We, what we? pray, who do you mean, Sir?
Cap. Bella.
Why, Lady Betty Shuttlecock and I: Why you must know this
is the very Scheme she laid down to me last Night; which so vastly
charm'd
me, that we resolv'd to be married upon it to-morrow Morning.
La. Charl.
What do you mean?
Cap. Bella.
Only to take your Advice, Madam, by allowing my Wife all the
modish Privileges, that you seem so passionately fond of.
La. Charl.
Your Wife? why, who's to be your Wife, pray? you don't think of
me, I hope.
Cap. Bella.
One wou'd think, you thought I did: for you refuse me as odly, as
if I had ask'd you the Question: Not, but I suppose, you would have me
think now, you have refus'd me in earnest.
La. Charl.
Ha! ha! ha! that's well enough; why, sweet Sir, do you really
think I am not in Earnest?
Cap. Bella.
No faith, I can't think you're so silly, as to refuse me in
Earnest, when I only ask'd you in Jest. [Both.] Ha! ha! ha!
La. Charl.
Ridiculous!
Cap. Bella.
Delightful! well, after all, I am a strange Creature to be so
merry, when I am just going to be married.
La. Charl.
And had you ever the Assurance to think I would have you?
Cap. Bella.
Why, faith! I don't know, but I might, if I had ever made love to
you—Well, Lady Charlotte, your Servant. I suppose you'll come
and visit my Wife, as soon as ever she sees Company.
La. Charl.
What do you mean?
Cap. Bella.
Seriously what I say, Madam; I am just now going to my Lawyer to
sign my Marriage Articles with Lady Betty Shuttlecock.
La. Charl.
And are you going in Earnest?
Cap. Bella.
Positively. Seriously.
La. Charl.
Then I must take the Liberty to tell you, Sir, you are the
greatest Villain, that ever liv'd upon the Face of the Earth.
Cap. Bella.
Ha! what do I see? [She burst into Tears.] Is it possible!
O my dear! dear Lady Charlotte, can I believe my self the Cause
of these transporting Tears! O! till this Instant never did I taste of
Happiness.
Cap. Bella.
Hey day! what do you mean?
La. Charl.
That you are one of the silliest Animals, that ever open'd his
Lips to a Woman—Ha! ha! O I shall die! ha! ha!
Enter a Servant.
Serv.
Sir, here's a Letter for you.
Cap. Bella.
So, it's come in good time. If this does not give her a turn,
Egad, I shall have all my Plague to go over again—Lady Charlotte
, you'll give me leave.
La. Charl.
O Sir! Billet doux are exempt from Ceremony. Ha! ha!
Cap. Bella. [After reading to himself.]
Ha! ha! Well, my dear Lady Charlotte, I am vastly glad to see you are so easy; upon my Soul, I was afraid you was really in love with me; But since I need have no farther Apprehensions of it, I know you won't take it ill, if I obey the Summons of my Wife, that is to be— Lady Betty has sent for me—You'll excuse me if I am confin'd a Week or two, with my Wife for the present; When that's over, you and I will laugh and sing, and coquette as much as ever we did, and so dear Lady Charlotte, your humble Servant.
Enter Servant.
Desire Captain Bellamant to step back again.Serv.
He's just gone out, Madam.
La. Charl.
Then it's certainly true—get me a Chair this Moment—this
Instant—go, run, fly! I am in such a Hurry, I don't know what I do.
O hideous! I look horridly frightful—but I'll follow him just as I
am—I'll go to Lady Betty's—If I find him there, I shall
certainly faint. I must take a little Hartshorn with me.
Mrs. Modern.
Women commonly begin to be most punctual, when Men leave it off;
our Passions seldom reach their Meridian, before yours set.
Mr. Gaywit.
We can no more help the Decrease of our Passions, than you the
Increase of yours; and tho' like the Sun I was obliged to quit your
Hemisphere, I have left you a Moon to shine in it.
Mrs. Modern.
What do you mean?
Mr. Gaywit.
I suppose you are by this no Stranger to the Fondness of the
Gentleman I introduced to you; nor will you shortly be to his
Generosity. He is one who has more Money than Brains, and more
Generosity than Money.
Mrs. Modern.
Oh! Gaywit! I am undone: you will too soon know how; will
hear it perhaps with Pleasure, since it is too plain by betraying me
to your Friend; I have no longer any Share in your Love.
Mr. Gaywit.
Blame not my Inconstancy, but your own.
Mrs. Modern.
By all our Joys I never loved another.
Mr. Gaywit.
Nay, will you deny what Conviction has long since constrained you
to own? Will you deny your Favours to Lord Richly?
Mrs. Modern.
He had indeed my Person, but you alone my Heart.
Mr. Gaywit.
I always take a Woman's Person to be the strongest Assurance of
her Heart. I think, the Love of a Mistress who gives up her Person, is
no more to be doubted than the Love of a Friend who gives you his
Purse.
Mrs. Modern.
By Heavens, I hate and despise him equal with my Husband. And as
I was forced to marry the latter by the Commands of my Parents, so I
was given up to the former by the Intreaties of my Husband.
Mrs. Modern.
Hell and his blacker Soul both know the Truth of what I
say—That he betrayed me first, and has ever since been the Pander of
our Amour; to you my own Inclinations led me. Lord Richly has
paid for his Pleasures, to you they have still been free: He was my
Husband's Choice, but you alone were mine.
Mr. Gaywit.
And have you not complied with Bellamant too?
Mrs. Modern.
Oh! blame not my Necessities. He is indeed that generous Creature
you have spoke him.
Mr. Gaywit.
And have you not betrayed this generous Creature to a Wretch?
Mrs. Modern.
I see you know it all—By Heavens I have not: It was his own
Jealousy, not my Design; nay, he importuned me to have discovered Lord
Richly in the same manner; Oh, think not any Hopes could have
prevailed on me to blast my Fame. No Reward could make me amends for
that Loss. Thou shalt see by my Retirement I have a Soul too great to
encounter Shame.
Mr. Gaywit.
I will try to make that Retirement easy to you; and call me not
ungrateful for attempting to discomfit your Husband's Purpose, and
preserve my Friend.
Mrs. Modern.
I my self will preserve him; if my Husband pursues his
Intentions, my Woman will swear that the Servant own'd he was hired to
be a false Evidence against us.
Mr. Gaywit.
Then since the Story is already publick, forgive this last Blush
I am obliged to put you to.
Mrs. Modern.
What do you mean?
Mr. Gaywit.
These Witnesses must inform you.
Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant, Mrs. Modern, Emilia, Capt. Merit.
Mrs. Modern.
Distraction! Tortures!
Mr. Gaywit.
I have with Difficulty brought myself to give you this Shock;
which nothing but the Preservation
of the best of Friends could have extorted; and which you shall
be made amends for.
Mr. Bella.
Be not shocked, Madam; it shall be your Husband's Fault, if you
are farther uneasy on this Account.
Mr. Gaywit.
Come, Madam, you may your self reap a Benefit from what I have
done, since it may prevent your being exposed in another Place.
Mrs. Modern.
All Places to me are equal, except this.
Mr. Gaywit.
It is generous in you, Madam, to pity the Misfortunes of a Woman,
whose Faults are more her Husband's than her own.
Lord Richly, Mr. Modern, Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant, Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia.
L. Richly.
Mr. Gaywit, upon my Word, you have the most splendid Levée
I have seen.
Mr. Gaywit.
I am sorry, my Lord, you have increased it by one who should only
grace the Keeper of Newgate's Levée; a Fellow whose Company is
scandalous to your Lordship, as it is odious to us all.
Mr. Bella.
His Lordship is not the only Man who goes abroad with his
Cuckold.
L. Richly.
Methinks you have invited a Gentleman to a very scurvy
Entertainment.
Mr. Gaywit.
You'll know, my Lord very shortly, wherefore he was invited, and
how much you your self are obliged to his kind Endeavours; for would
his Wife have consented to his Intreaties, this pretended Discovery
had fallen on you, and you had supplied that Gentleman's Place.
L. Richly.
A Discovery fallen on me!
Cap. Merit.
Yes, my Lord, the whole Company are Witnesses to Mrs. Modern's
Confession of it; that he betrayed her to your Embraces with a Design
to discover you in them.
Mr. Modern.
My Lord, this is a base Design to ruin
the humblest of your Creatures in your Lordship's Favour.
L. Richly.
How it should have that Effect I know not; for I do not
understand a Word of what these Gentlemen mean.
Mr. Gaywit.
We shall convince your Lordship; in the mean time I must beg you
to leave this Apartment; you may prosecute what Revenge you please,
but at Law we shall dare to defy you. The Damages will not be very
great, which are given to a voluntary Cuckold.
Emilia.
Tho' I see not why; for it is surely as much a Robbery to take
away a Picture unpaid for, from the Painter who would sell it, as from
the Gentleman who would keep it.
Mr. Modern.
You may have your Jest, Madam, but I will be paid severely for
it; I shall have a Time of laughing in my Turn. My Lord, your most
obedient Servant.
Lord Richly, Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant, Captain Bellamant, Lady Charlotte, Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia.
Mr. Gaywit.
He will find his Mistake, and our Conquest soon enough; and now,
my Lord, I hope you will ratify that Consent you gave me this Morning,
and compleat my Happiness with this Lady.
L. Richly.
Truly, Nephew, you misunderstood me, if you imagined I promised
any such thing: However, tho' you know I might insist on my Brother's
Will; yet let Mr. Bellamant give his Daughter a Fortune equal
to yours, and I shall not oppose it; and till then I shall not
consent.
Mr. Gaywit.
Hah!
Cap. Bella.
I hope your Lordship has not determined to deny every Request;
and therefore I may hope your Blessing.
Cap. Bella.
Lady Charlotte, my Lord, has given me this Right. Your
Daughter—
L. Richly.
What of her?
L. Richly.
Your Wife!
Cap. Bella.
Nay, if you will not give me your Blessing, you may let it alone:
I would not kneel any longer to you, tho' you were the great Mogul.
L. Richly.
Very well! this is your doing, Mr. Bellamant, or rather my
own. Confusion! my Estate, my Title, and my Daughter, all contribute
to aggrandize the Man I must hate, because he knows I would have
wronged him! Well, Sirs! whatever Pleasures you may seem to take at
my several Disappointments, I shall take very little Trouble to be
revenged on any of you; being heartily convinced, that in a few Months
you will be so many mutual Plagues to one another.
Mr. Gaywit, Mr. Bellamant, Captain Bellamant, Lady Charlotte, Mrs. Bellamant, Emilia.
Mr. Bella.
Methinks, I might have been consulted on this Affair.
La. Charl.
We had no time for Consultation; our Amour has been of a very
short Date.
Capt. Bella.
All our Love is to come, Lady Charlotte.
La. Charl.
I expect a deal of Love after Marriage, for what I have bated you
before it.
Capt. Bella.
I never asked you the Question till I was sure of you.
La. Charl.
Then you knew my Mind better than myself; for I never resolved to
have you, till I had you.
Mr. Gaywit.
Now, my dear Emilia, there is no Bar in our way to
Happiness. Lady Charlotte has made my Lord's Consent
unnecessary too: Your Father has already blessed me with his, and it
is now in your Power to make me the happiest of Mankind.
Emilia.
I suppose, you follow my Brother's Method, and never ask till you
are sure of obtaining.
Mr. Bella.
Gaywit, my Obligations to you are beyond my Power of
repaying; and while I give you
what you ask, I am still heaping greater Favours on my self.
Mr. Gaywit.
Think not so, when you bestow on me more than any Man can merit.
Mr. Bella.
Then take the little all I have, and may you be as happy with
her, as I am in these Arms; [Embracing Mrs. Bellamant.] whence
the whole World should never estrange me more.
Mrs. Bella.
I am too happy in that Resolution.
Mr. Gaywit.
Lady Charlotte! I made a Promise this Day to your Father
in your Favour; which I am resolved to keep, tho' he hath broken his.
I know, your good Nature and good Sense will forgive a Fault which
Love has made me commit—Love, which directs our Inclinations in
spight of equal and superior Charms.
La. Charl.
No Excuses, dear Sir, my Inclinations were as whimsical as yours.
Capt. Bella.
You have fairly got the Start, Lady Charlotte.
Mr. Gaywit.
My Bellamant! my Friend! my Father! What a Transport do I
feel from the Prospect of adding to your future Happiness! Let us
henceforth be one Family, and have no other Contest but to outvy in
Love.
Mr. Bella.
My Son! Oh! What Happiness do I owe to thy Friendship, and may
the Example of my late Misfortune warn thee to fly all such
Encounters; and since we are setting out together in the Road to
Happiness, take this Truth from an experienced Traveller.