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© 2001 By F. J. Morlock
CHARACTERS Sganarelle (father of Lucinda) (Moliere) Lucinda Clitandre (lover to Lucinda) Lucrece (cousin of Sganarelle) Lisette (Lucinda's servant) Aminte (neighbor of Sganarelle) Mr. Guillame (a seller of tapestry) Mr. Josse Dr. Tomes Dr. Des Fernandes Dr. Macroton Dr. Bahays Mr. Filerin A Notary Champagne (Sganarelle's valet)
Comedy, Music, Ballet
COMEDY
Leave, leave our vain quarrel. Let's not dispute our talents one
after the other. And of a greater glory
Pride ourselves today Let's all three write in a
passion without equal To give pleasure to the greatest king in the
world.
ALL THREE TOGETHER
Let's all three unite in a passion without equal. To give
pleasure to the greatest king in the world.
COMEDY
From his deeds, greater than can be believed. He sometimes comes
to relax among us.
Is there greater glory?
Is there sweeter happiness?
ALL THREE TOGETHER
Let's all three unite in a passion without equal. To give
pleasure to the greatest king in the world.
SGANARELLE
Ah — what a strange thing life is and how I can indeed say with
that great philosopher of antiquity that he who has money has troubles
and that no misfortune ever comes without another! I had only one wife
— who died.
MR. GUILLAME
And how many do you want to have?
SGANARELLE
She died my friend. That loss is very painful to me, and I cannot
think back on it without weeping. I wasn't very satisfied with her
conduct — and we often quarrelled with each other, but still, death
puts all things to right. She's dead; I weep for her. If she were in
life, we would be quarrelling. Of all the children that heaven gave
me, it left me only one daughter, and that daughter is all my trouble
for I see her in the most somber melancholy in the world in a dreadful
sadness whose cause I don't even know and there seems no way of
extracting her from it. As for me, I'm losing my wits and I need good
advice on this matter.
(to Lucrece) You are my niece.
(to Aminte) You are my neighbor.
(to Mr. Guillame and Mr. Josse) And you, my pals,
and my friends — I beg you to advise me all that I must do.
MR. JOSSE
As for me, I hold that finery and fancy dress are the thing which
most rejoice girls — and if I were like you, I would buy for her,
from today a beautiful ornament of diamonds, rubies or emeralds.
MR. GUILLAME
And I, if I was in your place, I would purchase a beautiful
hanging tapestry of forest scenery or characters that I would put in
her room to rejuvenate her spirit and sight.
AMINTE
For myself, I wouldn't do much that way — and I would marry her
very quickly and the quickest way I could — with this person who you
got for her, they say, ask if there is time.
LUCRECE
And as for me, I hold that your daughter is not at all fit for
marriage. She has a very delicate complexion and not very healthy and
it would be a determination to send her soon to the other world by
exposing her, the way she is — to having children. The world is not
at all her thing — and I advise you to put her in a convent — where
she will find diversions more in accord with her humor —
SGANARELLE
All this advice is assuredly admirable but I hold them a little
biased and find that you advise me quite well for yourselves. You are
in the business, Mr. Josse, and your advice smells of a man who wants
to rid himself of his stock in trade.
You sell tapestries, Mr. Guillame and you have the look of having some hanging that inconveniences you. The one you love, dear cousin, is rumored to have some inclination to my daughter, and you wouldn't be annoyed to see her married to someone else. As for you, my dear niece, it's not my plan to marry my daughter with just anybody — and I have my reasons for that — but the advice you give me to make her a nun is from a woman who indeed might charitably wish to be my sole heir. So, gentlemen and ladies, although your advice may be the best in the world — you'll understand, if you please, why I am not following it.
(All leave except Sganarelle.)
SGANARELLE
So there go my fashionable advice givers.
(Lucinda enters.)
SGANARELLE
Ah, there's my daughter taking the air — she doesn't see me.
She's sighing — she's raising her eyes to heaven.
(to Lucinda) May God protect you! Hello, my
darling. Hey there! What is it? How are you doing — ? Alas, always
sad and melancholy like this — and you don't want to tell me what's
wrong — ? Come on — open your little heart to me. There, my poor
darling, to me. There, my poor darling tell, tell, all your little
thoughts — to your little papa — pretty. Courage! Do you want me to
kiss you? Come on!
(aside) I'm furious to see her in this mood —
(to Lucinda) But talk to me — do you want to make
me die of annoyance — can't I know where this great languor comes
from? Tell me the cause and I promise I will do everything for you —
yes, you only need to tell me the subject of your sadness; I assure
you here, and promise you, there is nothing I won't do to satisfy you
— it's only to be said — are you jealous of one of your companions
that you see better dressed than you? Is there some new material you
want to have a dress made out of? No. Is your room not fancy enough
and you want some closet — from the fair at Saint Laurent? That's not
it — do you want to learn something and you want me to give you a
teacher who will show you how to play the harpsichord? Nope. Are you
in love with someone and you'd like to get married?
(Lucinda makes an affirmative sign, Lisette enters)
LISETTE
Well, sir — you've just had a conversation with your daughter —
have you discovered this cause of this melancholy?
SGANARELLE
No — she's a slut who infuriates me.
LISETTE
Sir — let me do it — I'm going to sound her out a little.
SGANARELLE
It's not necessary — and since she wants to be in the mood, I'm
of the opinion to leave her there —
LISETTE
Let me do it, I tell you. Perhaps she'll disclose herself more
freely to me than to you. What! Madame — you don't tell us what's
wrong with you — and you want to afflict everyone this way — ? It
seems to me that one doesn't act the way you are doing — and that if
you have some reluctance to explain yourself to your father, you ought
not to have any to disclosing your feelings to me. Tell me — do you
want something from him? He's told us many times that he would spare
nothing to satisfy you. Aren't you given all the freedom you want?
And the gifts and the walls — don't they engage your soul's
attention? What! Have you received some insult from someone? When!
Don't you have some secret inclination that you want your father to
marry you to? Ah — I understand you, that's the thing! What the
Devil! Why so many names? Sir, the mystery is solved and —
SGANARELLE
Go ungrateful daughter — I don't want to speak to you anymore and
I leave you in your obstinacy —
LUCINDA
Father, since you really want me to tell you this thing —
SGANARELLE
Yes, I am losing the friendship that I had for you.
LISETTE
Sir, her sadness —
SGANARELLE
She's a slut who wants to make me die —
LUCINDA
Father, I really want —
SGANARELLE
This is the reward I get for raising you the way I have —
LISETTE
But, sir —
SGANARELLE
No — I'm against her in a terrible rage.
LUCINDA
But father —
SGANARELLE
I no longer have any tenderness for you.
LISETTE
But —
SGANARELLE
She's a bitch.
LUCINDA
But —
SGANARELLE
An ingrate.
LISETTE
But —
SGANARELLE
A slut who won't tell me what's the matter with her.
LISETTE
It's a husband she wants.
SGANARELLE
(pretending not to understand her) I abandon her —
LISETTE
A husband.
SGANARELLE
I detest her —
LISETTE
A husband.
SGANARELLE
And I renounce her as my daughter.
LISETTE
A husband.
SGANARELLE
Don't even talk to me about her anymore.
LISETTE
A husband.
SGANARELLE
Don't speak to me about her anymore. (he exits)
LISETTE
A husband, a husband, a husband.
LISETTE
They say truly there is no one more deaf than those who don't want
to hear.
LUCINDA
Alas, Lisette — I was wrong to hide my unhappiness — and I had
only to speak to have whatever I wanted from my father! You see him.
LISETTE
On my oath — he's a villainous man — and I admit to you it would
give me extreme pleasure to play him some trick — but why does it
come about, Madame, that up to now you've hidden your illness from me
—
LUCINDA
Alas! What would have been the use in discovering it to you
sooner? And wouldn't I have been better off hiding it all my life? Do
you think I have not foreseen all you see now, that I didn't probe to
the depths all my father's feelings — and that the refusal that he
gave to the one who asked for me through a friend, didn't choke every
sort of hope in my heart?
LISETTE
What! It's this stranger who asked for you.
LUCINDA
Perhaps it's not right for a girl to explain herself so freely,
but still I confess to you that if I were permitted to desire
something — this would be what I want. We've had no conversation
together — and his mouth has not declared the passion that he has for
me — but in all the places that he was able to see me — his looks
and his actions have always spoken so tenderly and the request he made
for me seemed to me that of such an honest man that my heart couldn't
prevent itself from being sensible of his ardor — and how the
hardness of my father has reduced all this tenderness.
LISETTE
Go — let me do it. Whatever complaint I may have about your
secrecy from me, I don't want to forego assisting you in your love
affair — and since you have enough courage —
LUCINDA
But what do you expect me to do against a father's authority — ?
And if he is inexorable to my prayers?
LISETTE
Go, go — it's not necessary to let oneself be led like a ninny so
long as honor isn't offended — one can free oneself a little from the
tyranny of a father. What's he pretend you are doing? Aren't you of an
age to be married? And does he think you're made of marble? Go, one
more thing — I want to serve your passion — from now on, I take on
myself the care of his interests and you will see I know some tricks
— but I see your father — let's go back in and allow me to act.
(The women leave Sganarelle)
SGANARELLE
Sometimes it's good not to seem to hear things one hears only too
well — and I've wisely been spared the declaration of a desire I am
not resolved to satisfy. Has there ever been seen a greater tyranny
than this custom they want to impose on fathers, nothing more
impertinent and more ridiculous than to amass wealth with great work
and to raise a daughter with great care and tenderness to be despoiled
of both by the hands of a man who pays us nothing? No, no — I mock
that custom and I intend to keep my wealth and my daughter for myself.
LISETTE
(running around the stage and pretending not to see Sganarelle)
Ah — misfortune, ah, disgrace! Ah, poor Mr. Sganarelle — where shall
I find you?
SGANARELLE
(aside) What's she saying?
LISETTE
(still running) Ah! Wretched father! What will you do when
you learn this news?
SGANARELLE
(aside) What can it be?
LISETTE
My poor mistress.
SGANARELLE
(aside) I am ruined.
LISETTE
Ah —
SGANARELLE
(running after Lisette) Lisette.
LISETTE
What misfortune!
SGANARELLE
Lisette.
LISETTE
What an accident.
SGANARELLE
Lisette.
LISETTE
What fatality.
SGANARELLE
Lisette.
LISETTE
(stopping) Ah! Sir!
SGANARELLE
What is it?
LISETTE
Sir.
SGANARELLE
What's wrong —
LISETTE
Your daughter —
SGANARELLE
Ah! Ah!
LISETTE
Sir, don't cry like that, for you'll make me laugh.
SGANARELLE
Speak quickly then.
LISETTE
Your daughter — completely taken by the words you said to her and
by the terrifying rage she saw you in against her and full of despair
— opened the window which looks on the river —
SGANARELLE
So!
LISETTE
Then, raising her eyes to heaven — "No," she said, "it is
impossible to live with the wrath of my father — and since he
renounces me as his daughter — I intend to die."
SGANARELLE
And she threw herself in?
LISETTE
No sir, she shut the window quietly, and went to put herself on
her bed. There she took to crying bitterly, and suddenly her face went
pale, her eyes turned, her heart failed her and she remained like that
in my arms.
SGANARELLE
Ah — my daughter!
LISETTE
By means of torturing her, I made her come to self, but this thing
takes her back moment by moment, and I think she won't last the day.
SGANARELLE
Champagne! Champagne! Champagne! Quickly, find me some doctors and
in quantity. Can't have too many in such a situation. Ah, my daughter,
my first daughter —
LISETTE
Sir, what do you intend to do with four doctors? Isn't one enough
to kill a person?
SGANARELLE
Be quiet. Four opinions are better than one.
LISETTE
Can't your daughter die without the help of these gentleman here?
SGANARELLE
Do doctors cause death?
LISETTE
Doubtless and I knew a man who could prove it with good reasons —
so you never had to say — such and such a person died of fever and
the flux in the breast, but "she died of four doctors and two
pharmacists".
SGANARELLE
Hush! Don't offend these gentlemen.
LISETTE
My word, sir, our cat survived a jump from the roof of a house to
a street, and it went 3 days without eating and it couldn't move foot
or paw — but it was really lucky there were no cat doctors, for her
affair would have been done — and they wouldn't have failed to purge
and bleed her.
SGANARELLE
Will you shut up? I tell you. But look what impudence! Here they
are.
LISETTE
Take care, you're really going to be edified. They're going to
tell you in Latin that your daughter is sick.
(Enter Doctors Tomes, Des Fernandes, Macroton and Bahays)
SGANARELLE
Well, gentlemen?
DOCTOR TOMES
We've seen the patient sufficiently and there is no doubt, she's
full of impurities.
DOCTOR TOMES
I mean that there are many impurities in her body — a number of
corrupted humors.
SGANARELLE
Ah. I understand you.
DOCTOR TOMES
But — we are going to consult together.
SGANARELLE
Come — get them chairs —
LISETTE
(to Dr. Tomes) Ah, sir, you are involved!
SGANARELLE
(to Lisette) How do you know this gentleman?
LISETTE
From having seen him the other day at the home of a good friend of
your niece's.
DOCTOR TOMES
How's her coachman doing?
LISETTE
Fine. He's dead.
DOCTOR TOMES
Dead?
LISETTE
Yes. DOCTOR TOMES
That cannot be.
LISETTE
I don't know if it can be — but I know quite well he's dead.
DOCTOR TOMES
He cannot be dead, I tell you.
LISETTE
And as for me, I tell you he's dead and buried.
DOCTOR TOMES
You are mistaken.
LISETTE
I saw the funeral.
DOCTOR TOMES
That is impossible. Hippocrates says that this sort of illness
doesn't terminate in less than 14 or more than 21 days — and he only
fell ill six days ago.
LISETTE
Hippocrates can say what he pleases — but her coachman is dead.
SGANARELLE
Peace — argumentation! Come one, let's get out of here.
Gentlemen, I beg you to consult in the best way. Although it is not
the custom to pay in advance — sometimes, for fear of forgetting —
and so it may be taken care of — here —(giving each money and
receiving from each a different gesture in return)
(The doctors sit down and cough)
DR. des FERNANDES
Paris is strangely large and it's necessary to make long treks
when business requires.
DOCTOR TOMES
I have to confess I have an admirable mule for that, and you'd
hardly believe the work I get out of him every day.
DR. des FERNANDES
I have a marvelous horse and he's a tireless animal.
DOCTOR TOMES
Do you know the road my mule took today? First, I went by the
Arsenal — from the Arsenal to the middle of Faubourg Saint Germain to
the end of the Marais — from the end of the Marais to Port Saint
Honore — from Port Saint Honore to Faubourg St. Jacques, from St.
Jacques to the Porte Richlieu, from the Porte Richlieu to here — and
from here, I've got to go again to the Place Royale.
DR. des FERNANDES
My horse has done all that today — and moreover I've been to Ruel
to see a patient.
DOCTOR TOMES
But by the way — what side are you taking in the quarrel between
the two doctors, Theoplurastus and Artemius? For it's an affair
dividing our whole association.
DR. des FERNANDES
As for me, I am for Artemius.
DOCTOR TOMES
And me too. It's not that his opinion, as has been seen, didn't
kill the patient — and that of Theoplurastus was not much better —
assuredly — but still, he was wrong in the circumstances — and he
ought not to be of an opinion different from his elder — what do you
say about it?
DR. des FERNANDES
Doubtless. One must always preserve the formalities whatever may
happen.
DOCTOR TOMES
As for me, I am devilishly strict, at least, so long as it's
between friends — and they brought us together one day — three of us
— with a doctor from elsewhere — for a consultation. But I stopped
the whole business and wouldn't endure anyone giving an opinion if
things weren't going to be in order — the people of the house did
what they could — and the illness pressed on — but I didn't want to
give up — and the patent died bravely during this argument.
DR. des FERNANDES
It's very well to teach people to live and show them how dumb they
are.
DOCTOR TOMES
A man dead is only a dead man and there are no consequences — but
a formality neglected brings a notable prejudice to medicine itself.
SGANARELLE
(entering) Gentlemen, my daughter's suffering is getting
worse — I beg you to tell me quickly what you have decided.
DOCTOR TOMES
Go ahead, sir —
DR. des FERNANDES
No, sir — speak, if you please.
DOCTOR TOMES
You are mocking —
DR. des FERNANDES
I shall not speak first.
DOCTOR TOMES
Sir.
DR. des FERNANDES
Sir.
SGANARELLE
Hey — merry gentlemen, leave all these ceremonies and think that
things are pressing.
(They all four speak at once)
DOCTOR TOMES
The illness of your daughter —
DR. des FERNANDES
The opinion of all these gentlemen together.
DR. MACROTON
After careful consultation —
DR. BAHAYS
To reason —
SGANARELLE
Hey, gentlemen, speak one after the other — mercy —
DOCTOR TOMES
Sir, we've considered your daughter's illness, and my opinion is
that it proceeds from a great heat in the blood — thus, I conclude to
bleed her as soon as you can.
DR. des FERNANDES
As for me, I say that her illness is a mixture of humors caused by
too much eating, so I conclude to give her an emetic.
DOCTOR TOMES
I contend that an emetic will kill her.
DR. des FERNANDES
And I that bleeding will kill her.
DOCTOR TOMES
Really, just to make yourself look clever.
DR. des FERNANDES
Yes, that's my opinion and I will lend you the crown in all types
of erudition.
DOCTOR TOMES
Do you recall the man you caused to croak a few days ago?
DR. des FERNANDES
Do you remember the lady you sent to the next world three days
ago?
DOCTOR TOMES
(to Sganarelle) I've told you my opinion.
DR. des FERNANDES
(to Sganarelle) I've told you my ideas.
DOCTOR TOMES
If you don't bleed your daughter right away, she's a dead person.
(he leaves)
DR. des FERNANDES
If you do bleed her, she won't live more than a quarter of an hour.
(he leaves)
SGANARELLE
Which of the two to believe? And what decision to take on such
opposed opinions. Gentlemen, I conjure you to decide me and tell me
without passion what you think is the most proper thing to treat my
daughter.
DR. MACROTON
Sir — in these matters, one must proceed, no — and with
circumspection, and do nothing, as they say — on the fly — the worst
fault one can do is to cause dangerous consequences, according to our
master Hippocrates.
DR. BAHAYS
It's true one must be careful what one does — for this is not
child's play here — and when one fails, it's not easy to repair the
fault and to reestablish what one has ruined, experiment cautiously —
that's what, it's a case of reasoning above all — of weighing things
carefully — of considering the temperament of people — of examining
the causes of the illness and of seeing the remedies one can bring to
it.
SGANARELLE
(aside) The one tortures it — and the other runs the post.
DR. MACROTON
Then, sir, to come to the point, I find that your daughter has a
chronic illness and that she can be at risk if she doesn't get help —
moreover, the symptoms that she has are indicative of a sooty and
corrosive vapor, which dot the membranes of her brain. Now this vapor,
that we call in Greek at-mos, is caused by putrid humors which are
tenacious and congultinuous and have their origin in the lower bowels.
DR. BAHAYS
And as these humors have been engendered over a long period of
time they've reheated themselves and have acquired this malignity
which steam towards the region of the brain.
DR. MACROTON
So, indeed, then to draw out, detach, remove, expel, evacuate, the
aforesaid humors — there must be a vigorous purgation — but before
going any further, I find it relevant and it wouldn't be inconvenient
to use small palatines remedies, meaning little soft enemas and
cleansing of julep and refreshing syrups that one can mix in her tea.
DR. BAHAYS
Then we will come to the purging — and the bleeding, which we
will repeat if need be.
DR. MACROTON
It's not that with all this your daughter may not die — but at
least you will have done something and have the consolation of knowing
that she died properly.
DR. BAHAYS
It's better to die according to the rules than to escape despite
the rules.
DR. MACROTON
We have told you our thoughts sincerely.
DR. BAHAYS
And we've spoken to you as we would speak to our own brother.
SGANARELLE
(to Macroton and stretching his words) I render you very humble.
Thanks. (to Dr. Bahays stammering) And you are infinitely obliged by
the trouble you have taken.
(the two doctors leave) Here I am now a little
more uncertain than I was before. The devil! A fantasy has come to me.
I have to go buy some snake oil and make her take it — snake oil is a
remedy which many people are very fond of. Hola!
(Scene is now street)
SGANARELLE
Hola! Sir — I beg you give me a bottle of your snake oil which I
will pay you for.
OPERATOR
(singing) Can all the gold of all the climbs that surround the
ocean ever pay for this important secret?
My remedy cures through its rare excellence — more ills than you can count in a year.
OPERATOR
The Itch
Scabs, scurvy
Fever
Plague
Gout, syphilis
Measles
and stooping Oh the tremendous power of snake oil.
SGANARELLE
Sir, I believe that all the gold in the world is not capable of
paying for your remedy — but still here's a 30 sous coin for you to
take if you please.
OPERATOR
(singing) Admire my snake oil and with the little I sell you
— — this treasure my hand dispenses to you — you can brave with
assurance all the ills which the wrath of heaven pours on us.
The Itch
Scabs, scurvy
Fever
Plague
Gout, syphilis
Measles
and stooping Oh the great power of snake oil.
DOCTOR FILERIN
Aren't you ashamed, gentlemen, to display so little prudence for
people of your age and for you to be quarrelling like young dolts.
Don't you see what evil these sorts of quarrels do us in the world?
And isn't it enough that scientists are aware of the contradictions
and dissensions that exist between our authorities and our ancient
masters, without revealing to people through our arguments and our
quarrels the bravado of our art. As for me, I don't understand at all
this master scheming of some of our folks and it is necessary to admit
that all these arguments have discredited us in a strange manner and
that if we aren't careful we are going to ruin ourselves.
I'm not speaking only for my interest, for thank God, I'm very well off — let it snow, let it pour, let it hail. Those who are dead are dead and I have somewhat to spend with the livery — but in the end all these disputes are not good for medicine.
Since heaven has graced us for many centuries people remain infatuated with us — let's not disabuse people with our extravagant cliques and let's profit by their stupidity as softly as we can.
We are not the only ones you know who try to prevail on human weakness. Most of the world studies that and each is forced to take men by their weakness to extract some profit. Flatterers, for example, seek to profit from the love men have to be praised by giving them all the vain flattering they wish and what they do is an act — which can be seen from their considerable fortunes. The alchemists try to profit from the passion for riches by promising mountains of gold to those who listen to them. And the tellers of horoscopes, by their deceitful predictions, profit from the vanity and ambition of credulous spirits. But the greatest weakness of men is the love they have for living and we profit from it, by our pompous bombast and know how to use to our advantage this veneration that the fear of death gives to our profession. Let us preserve the degree of esteem that their weakness places in us and be in concert around the patients to attribute to ourselves the happy outcome of the illness and to cast on nature the blunders of our art. Let's not, I say to you, stupidly destroy the fortunate bias by an error which gives bread to so many people.
DOCTOR TOMES
You are correct in all that you say — but there are heats of
blood which sometimes one is not the master.
DOCTOR FILERIN
Come then, gentlemen, put aside your rancor and let's reach your
settlement here.
DOCTOR des FERNANDES
I agree. Just let me give my emetic for the patient that needs it
and I will let him do whatever he wants to the first patient he's
involved with.
DOCTOR FILERIN
One couldn't speak more fairly and that's how to set things
straight.
DR. des FERNANDES
That's done.
DOCTOR FILERIN
Put it there — goodbye. Another time, show more prudence.
(Exit Filerin.)
LISETTE
(enters) What! There you are, gentlemen, and you are not
thinking of repairing the wrong done to medicine.
DOCTOR TOMES
What do you mean? What is it?
LISETTE
An insolent who had the effrontery to encroach on your profession
and without your orders has just killed a man by running him through
with a sword.
DOCTOR TOMES
Listen, you play the mocker but you'll fall into our hands some
day —
LISETTE
I'll let you kill me if ever I have recourse to you.
(The doctors leave)
CLITANDRE
(entering dressed like a doctor) Well, Lisette — do you like me
like this?
LISETTE
The best in the world and I've been waiting for you impatiently,
anyway, nature made me the most humane person in the world and I
cannot see two lovers sigh for each other without falling into a
charitable tenderness and an ardent desire to assuage the pain they
suffer. I intend at any price to extract Lucinda from the tyranny she
is under and to put her in your power — you pleased me from the first
and I know people and she cannot make a better choice.
Love risks extraordinary things and we have agreed together on a sort of stratagem which perhaps will succeed for us. All our measures have been taken already. The man we're dealing with is not the cleverest fellow in this world — and if this adventure fails us, we will find a thousand other ways — to arrive at our end. Wait for me there, alone, and I'll return to fetch you.
(Clitandre retires to the back of the stage)
LISETTE
Sir! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
SGANARELLE
What is it?
LISETTE
Rejoice!
SGANARELLE
About what?
LISETTE
Rejoice, I tell you.
SGANARELLE
Tell me what it is and then perhaps I'll rejoice.
LISETTE
No — I want you to rejoice beforehand — so you'll sing and
dance.
SGANARELLE
Over what?
LISETTE
On my word —
SGANARELLE
All right.
(he sings and dances) La, la, la — what the
devil!
LISETTE
Sir, your daughter is cured.
SGANARELLE
My daughter is cured!
LISETTE
Yes, I am bringing you a doctor, but a doctor of importance, who
makes marvelous cures and who mocks other doctors.
SGANARELLE
Where is he?
LISETTE
I'm going to bring him in.
(goes out)
SGANARELLE
We'll have to see if this one is better than the others.
LISETTE
(returning with Clitandre) Here he is.
SGANARELLE
Here's a doctor with a really fresh beard.
LISETTE
Science doesn't measure itself by the beard — and it's not by the
chin that he is skillful.
SGANARELLE
Sir, they tell me that you have admirable remedies to evacuate the
bowels.
CLITANDRE
Sir, my remedies are different from those of others. They have
emetics, bleedings, pills and enemas, but me, I cure with words, with
sounds, with letters — with talismans and with rings made under the
influence of constellations.
LISETTE
What did I tell you?
SGANARELLE
Here's a great man.
LISETTE
Sir, as your daughter is all dressed in a chair, I am going to
make her come here.
SGANARELLE
Yes, do that.
CLITANDRE
(taking Sganarelle's pulse) Your daughter is really sick.
SGANARELLE
You know that here?
CLITANDRE
Yes, from the sympathy there is between father and daughter.
LISETTE
(bringing Lucinda)
(to Clitandre) Here sir, there's a chair beside
her.
(to Sganarelle) Come, let's leave them together.
SGANARELLE
Why, I want to remain here.
LISETTE
You're looking? We have to separate. A doctor has a hundred things
to ask that it isn't right for a man to hear.
(Sganarelle and Lisette move away.)
CLITANDRE
(low to Lucinda) Ah, Madame, how great is the rapture in which I
find myself. And how little I know how to begin speaking to you! Up to
now I've spoken to you only with my eyes — I had, so it seemed to me,
a hundred things to say — and now that I have the liberty of speaking
to you in the manner I wish — I remain dumbfounded and the great joy
I am in chokes off my words.
LUCINDA
I can tell you the same thing and I feel, like you, emotions of
joy which prevent me from being able to speak.
CLITANDRE
Oh, Madame, I would be happy if it were true that you feel all
that I feel — and it was permitted for me to judge your soul by mine!
But Madame, may I at least believe that it is to you that I owe the
thought of this happy stratagem which gives me joy in your presence?
LUCINDA
If you don't owe me the idea, you are at least indebted to me for
having approved the proposition with great joy.
SGANARELLE
(to Lisette) It seems to me he's speaking awfully close to
her.
LISETTE
(to Sganarelle) That's so he can observe her physiognomy and all
the features of her face. CLITANDRE
(to Lucinda) Will you be constant, Madame, in all these
kindnesses you are showing me?
LUCINDA
But you — will you be firm in the decisions you've taken?
CLITANDRE
Ah, Madame, until death. I want nothing more than to be with you
— and I am going to make it appear in what you are going to see me
do.
SGANARELLE
(to Clitandre) Well — our patient? She seems to me a little
brighter.
CLITANDRE
It's that I've already employed on her one of those remedies that
my art shows me. As the mind has a great empire over the body — so
often illness proceeds from it — my habit is to run to cure the mind
before coming to the body — I have observed her looks, the features
of her face and the lines of both her hands and through the science
heaven has given me, I've recognized that it was the mind which made
her ill, and that all her illness comes only from a disordered
imagination, from a depraved desire of wanting to be married. As for
me, I see nothing more extravagant and more ridiculous than this wish
to be married.
SGANARELLE
(aside) Here's a clever man.
CLITANDRE
And I've had — and will have for it, for my entire life — a
terrible aversion to it.
SGANARELLE
(aside) Here's a great doctor.
CLITANDRE
But as one must flatter the imagination of patients, and what I've
seen in her of alienation of the mind, and even were there not some
peril in giving prompt aid — I've taken her through her weakness and
told her I've come to ask for her in marriage. Suddenly her face
changed — her complexion lit up — her eyes became animated and if
you like, for several days to confirm her in this error, you will see
it will extract her from where she is.
SGANARELLE
Yeah — I really want that.
CLITANDRE
Later, we will use other remedies to cure her entirely of this
fantasy.
SGANARELLE
Yes, that's the best thing in the world. Well! My daughter, here's
the gentleman who wants to marry you and I told him I really want
that.
LUCINDA
Alas — is it possible?
SGANARELLE
Yes.
LUCINDA
But in good faith?
SGANARELLE
Yes, yes.
LUCINDA
(to Clitandre) What — you feel like being my husband?
CLITANDRE
Yes, Madame.
LUCINDA
And my father consents to it?
SGANARELLE
Yes, my daughter.
LUCINDA
Ah, how happy I would be if that were true.
CLITANDRE
Don't doubt it, Madame. It's not from today that I love you and
that I am burning to see myself your husband. I came here only for
that — and if you want me to tell you exactly how things stand, this
outfit is only an invented pretext and I've only played doctor so as
to approach you and obtain what I wish.
LUCINDA
This gives me indeed tender proofs of love and I am as sensible of
it as I can be.
SGANARELLE
(aside) Oh — crazy woman — crazy woman — crazy woman.
LUCINDA
Father, do you really intend to give me this gentleman for a
spouse?
SGANARELLE
Yes, here — give me your hand. Give me yours a little to see.
CLITANDRE
But, sir.
SGANARELLE
(choking with laughter) No, no, it's to — to satisfy her
mind, shake! There that's done.
CLITANDRE
Accept as a proof of my faith this ring, I am giving you. (low to
Sganarelle) It's a special ring which cures wandering minds.
LUCINDA
Let's sign the contract so nothing is lacking.
CLITANDRE
Indeed, I really wish it, Madame. (low to Sganarelle) I'm going
to bring up the man who writes my prescriptions and make her think
he's a notary.
SGANARELLE
Very fine.
CLITANDRE
Hey — bring up the notary I brought with me.
LUCINDA
What! You brought a notary?
CLITANDRE
Yes, Madame.
LUCINDA
I am ravished.
SGANARELLE
Oh — madwoman — oh, madwoman!
(The Notary comes in.)
(Clitandre whispers to the Notary.)
SGANARELLE
(to the Notary) Yes, sir, it's necessary to draw up a
contract for these two persons here. Write!
(the Notary writes) Here — let the contract be
done. I give her 20,000 shillings in marriage. Write.
LUCINDA
I am much obliged to you, father.
NOTARY
There — it's done — you have only to sign.
SGANARELLE
Here's a contract soon constructed.
CLITANDRE
(to Sganarelle) At least.
SGANARELLE
Hey — no, I tell you.
(to Notary) Come give him the pen to sign.
(to Lucinda) Come on — sign, sign, sign — go,
go, I will sign soon enough, myself.
LUCINDA
No, no — I want to have the contract in my hands.
SGANARELLE
Well, here!
(after having signed) Are you satisfied?
LISETTE
More than you can imagine.
CLITANDRE
All the same, I not only took the precaution of bringing a notary
— I even brought singers and instruments to celebrate the wedding and
rejoice us — have them come — these are the folks I bring with me to
pacify troubled minds with their harmonizing.
(Comedy, Ballet and Music enter)
TOGETHER
Without us, all men would become unhealthy — and we — who are
their best doctors.
COMEDY
Do you want to chase off — with soft means
Vapors of the spleen who
Then forget Hippocrates
And come to us!
TOGETHER
Without us — all men would become unhealthy — and we — who are
their best doctors —
(While they play, Laughter and the Pleasures dance — Clitandre leads Lucinda off.)
SGANARELLE
Here's a pleasant way of curing! Where are the doctor and my
daughter?
LISETTE
They want to consummate the marriage.
SGANARELLE
What do you mean, the marriage?
LISETTE
My word, sir — the goose is cooked and what you thought was a
game remains a truth.
SGANARELLE
What the devil? (he wants to go after Clitandre and Lucinda but
the dancers hold him back) Let me go, let me go, I tell you! (the
dancers keep restraining him) Still? (they try to force Sganarelle to
dance) Plague on people!
C U R T A I N