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MADAM,
If Addresses of this Nature (notwithstanding the base Purposes to which they have been perverted) were originally intended to express the Gratitude of the Author for some Favour receiv'd, or to celebrate the Merit of some particular Friend; I think you have a very just Title to this.
Dedications, and indeed most Panegyricks, have been generally confined to Persons in high Life; not that good Qualities are so; but as the Praise which most Authors bestow comes not from the Heart, nor is the Effect of their Gratitude for past Favours, but of their Necessity of future, it is not so much their Business to inquire who best deserves Praise, as who can best pay for it. And thus we often see an Epistle crammed with such gross, false, and absurd Flattery, as the Poet ought to be asham'd of writing, and the Patron of accepting.
But while I hold the Pen, it will be a Maxim with me, that Vice can never be too great to be lashed, nor Virtue too obscure to be commended; in other Words, that Satire can never rise too high, nor Panegyrick stoop too low.
It is your Misfortune to bring the greatest Genius for acting on the Stage, at a time when the Factions and Divisions among the Players have conspired with the Folly, Injustice, and Barbarity of the Town, to finish the Ruin of the Stage, and sacrifice our own native Entertainments to a wanton affected Fondness for foreign Musick; and when our Nobility seem eagerly to rival each other, in distinguishing themselves in favour of Italian Theatres, and in neglect of our own.
However, the few who have yet so much English Taste and Good-nature left, as sometimes to visit that Stage where you exert your great Abilities, never fail to receive you with the Approbation you deserve; nay, you extort, by the Force of your Merit, the Applause of those who are languishing for the Return of Cuzzoni.
And here I cannot help reflecting with some Pleasure, that the Town, that Part of it, at least, which is not quite Italianized, have one Obligation to me, who made the first Discovery of your great Capacity, and brought you earlier forward on the Theatre, than the Ignorance of some and the Envy of others would have otherwise permitted. I shall not here dwell on any thing so well known as your Theatrical Merit, which one of the finest Judges and the greatest Man of his Age hath acknowledg'd to exceed in Humour that of any of your Predecessors in his Time.
But as great a Favourite as you at present are with the Audience, you would be much more so, were they acquainted with your private Character; cou'd they see you laying out great part of the Profits which arise to you from entertaining them so well, in the Support of an aged Father; did they see you who can charm them on the Stage with personating the foolish and vitious Characters of your Sex, acting in real Life the Part of the best Wife, the best Daughter, the best Sister, and the best Friend.
The Part you have maintain'd in the present Dispute between the Players and the Patentees, is so full of Honour, that had it been in higher Life, it would have given you the Reputation of the greatest Heroine of the Age. You looked on the Cases of Mr. Highmore and Mrs. Wilks with Compassion, nor could any Promises or Views of Interest sway you to desert them; nor have you scrupled any Fatigue (particularly the Part which at so short a warning you undertook in this Farce) to support the Cause of those whom you imagin'd injur'd and distress'd; and for this you have been so far from endeavouring to exact an exorbitant Reward from Persons little able to afford it, that I have known you offer to act for nothing, rather than the Patentees should be injur'd by the Dismission of the Audience.
In short, if Honour, Good-nature, Gratitude, and good Sense, join'd with the most entertaining Humour, wherever they are found, are Titles to publick Esteem, I think you may be sure of it; at least, I am sure they will always recommend you to the sincere Friendship of,
Madam, Your most obliged humble Servant, Henry Fielding.
Goodall, | Mr. Jones. | Valentine, | Mr. Stoppelaer. | Lord Pride, | Mr. Hewson. | Lord Puff, | Mr. Charles Jones. | Colonel Bluff, | Mr. Mecklin. | Oldcastle, | Mr. Norris. | Rakeit, | Mr. Mullart. | Marquis, | Mademoiselle Grognet. | Slap, | Mr. Topham. | Trick, | Mr. Hallam. | Security, | Mr. Giles.
WOMEN. | Mrs. Highman, | Mrs. Mullart . | Charlotte, | Miss Atherton. | Lettice, | Mrs. Clive. | Ladies, Constable, Servants, &c. |
SCENE, Covent-Garden.
Oh! Mrs. Lettice; is it you? I am extremely glad to see you; you are the very Person I would meet.
Let.
I am much at your Service, Madam.
Mrs. High.
Oh! Madam; I know very well that; and at every one's Service, I
dare swear, that will pay you for it: But all the Service, Madam, that
I have for you, is to carry a Message to your Master—I desire,
Madam, that you would tell him from me, that he is a very
great Villain, and that I intreat him never more to come near my
Doors, for, if I find him within 'em, I will turn my Niece out of
them.
Lett.
Truly, Madam, you must send this by another Messenger; but, pray,
what has my Master done, to deserve it shou'd be sent at all?
Mrs. High.
He has done nothing yet, I believe; I thank Heaven, and my own
Prudence; but I know what he wou'd do.
Lett.
He wou'd do nothing but what becomes a Gentleman, I am confident.
Mrs. High.
Oh! I dare swear, Madam, debauching a young Lady, is acting like
a very fine Gentleman; but I shall keep my Niece out of the Hands of
such fine Gentlemen.
Lett.
You wrong my Master, Madam, cruelly; I know his Designs on your
Niece are honourable.
Mrs. High.
You know!
Lett.
Yes, Madam, no one knows my Master's Heart better than I do: I am
sure, were his Designs otherwise, I would not be accessary to 'em; I
love your Niece too much, Madam, to carry on an Amour in which she
shou'd be a Loser: But as I know that my Master is heartily in Love
with her, and that she is heartily in Love with my Master; and as I am
certain they will be a very happy Couple, I will not leave one Stone
unturn'd, to bring them together.
Mrs. High.
Rare Impudence! Hussy, I have another Match for her, she shall
marry Mr. Oldcastle.
Lett.
Oh then! I find it is you that have a dishonourable Design on
your Niece!
Mrs. High.
How, Sauciness!
Lett.
Yes, Madam, marrying a young Lady, who is in Love with a young
Fellow, to an old one whom she hates, is the surest way to bring about
I know what, that can possibly be taken.
Lett.
'Tis pity you had not come a little sooner, Madam; your good Aunt
is but just gone, and has left positive Orders that you should make
more frequent Visits at our House.
Charl.
Indeed!
Lett.
Yes, Madam; for she has forbid my Master ever visiting at yours,
and I know it will be impossible for you to live without seeing him.
Charl.
I assure you! do you think me so fond then?
Lett.
Do I! I know you are; you love nothing else, think of nothing
else all Day; and, if you will confess the Truth, I dare lay a Wager
that you dream of nothing else all Night.
Charl.
Then to shew you, Madam, how well you know me —the Devil take
me—if you are not in the right.
Lett.
Ah! Madam, to a Woman practis'd in Love, like me, there is no
Occasion for Confession; for my part, I don't want Words to assure me
of what the Eyes tell me. Oh! if the Lovers wou'd but consult the Eyes
of their Mistresses, we shou'd not have such Sighing, Languishing, and
Despairing as we have.
Lett.
It's very lucky that you do meet her here, for her House is
forbidden Ground, you have seen your last of that, Mrs. Highman
swears.
Val.
Ha! not go where my dear Charlotte is? What Danger cou'd
deter me? What Difficulty prevent me? Not Cannon, nor Plagues, nor all
the most frightful Forms of Death, should keep me from her Arms.
Charl.
Nay, by what I can find, you are not to put your Valour to any
Proof; the Danger is to be mine, I am to be turn'd out of Doors, if
ever you are seen in them again.
Val.
The Apprehensions of your Danger wou'd, indeed, put it to the
severest Proof: but why will my dearest Charlotte continue in
the House of one who threatens to turn her out of it? Why will she not
know another Home, one, where she would find a Protector from every
kind of Danger?
Charl.
How can you pretend to love me, Valentine, and ask me that
in our present desperate Circumstances?
Lett.
Nay, nay, don't accuse him wrongfully: I won't indeed insist,
that he gives you any great Instance of his Prudence by it; but I'll
swear, it is a very strong one of his Love, and such an Instance, as
when a Man has once shewn, no Woman of any Honesty, or Honour, or
Gratitude, can refuse him any longer For my part, if I had ever found
a Lover who had not wicked mercenary Views upon my Fortune, I should
have married him, whatever he had been.
Charl.
Thy Fortune!
Lett.
My Fortune! Yes, Madam, my Fortune; I was worth Fifty Six Pounds
before I put into the Lottery; what it will be now, I can't tell; but,
you know, some body must get the great Lot, and why not I?
Val.
Oh, Charlotte! wou'd you had the same Sentiments with me!
for, by Heavens! I apprehend no Danger but that of
losing you; and, believe me, Love will sufficiently reward us for
all the Hazards we run on his account.
AIR III. Fanny blooming Fair, &c.
Let bold Ambition lie
Within the Warrior's Mind;
False Honours let him buy,
With Slaughter of Mankind:
To Crowns a doubtful Right,
Lay thousands in their Grave:
While wretched Armies fight
Which Master shall enslave. Love took my Heart with Storm,
Let him there rule alone,
In Charlotte's charming Form,
Still sitting on his Throne:
How will my Soul rejoice,
At his Commands to fly,
If spoken in that Voice,
Or look'd from that dear Eye!
To Universal Sway
Love's Title is the best;
Well, shall we him obey,
Who makes his Subjects blest?
If Heaven for Human Good
Did Empire first design,
Love must be understood
To rule by Right Divine Lett.
Hist! hist! get you both about your Business; Mr. Oldcastle
is just turn'd the Corner, and if he shou'd see you together, you are
undone. [Exit Valentine and Charlotte.] Now will I banter this
old Coxcomb severely; for I think it is a most impertinent thing in
these old Fumblers, to interpose in young People's Sport.
Lett.
Mr. Oldcastle, your very humble Servant.
Old.
Your humble Servant, Madam: I ask your Pardon, but I profess I
have not the Honour of knowing you.
Lett.
Men of your Figure, Sir, are known by more than they are
themselves able to remember; I am a poor Handmaid of a young Lady of
your Acquaintance, Miss Charlotte Highman.
Old.
Oh! your very humble Servant, Madam. I hope your Lady is well?
Lett.
Hum! so, so: She sent me, Sir, of a small Message to you.
Old.
I am the happiest Man in the World.
Lett.
To desire a particular Favour of you.
Old.
She honours me with her Commands.
Old.
What! what!
Lett.
She is a very well-bred, civil, good-natur'd Lady, and does not
care to send a rude Message; therefore only bids me tell you, she
hates you, scorns you, detests you more than any Creature upon the
Earth; that if you are resolv'd to marry, she wou'd recommend to you a
certain excellent Dry Nurse, who might possibly be brought by your
Money to do any thing, but go to Bed with you; and lastly, she bids me
tell you, in this cold Weather, never to go to Bed without a good warm
Posset, and never to lie without, at least, a pair of Flannel Shirts.
Old.
Hold your impertinent, saucy Tongue!
Lett.
Nay, Sir, don't be angry with me, I only deliver my Message; and
that too, in as civil and concise a manner as possible.
Old.
Your Mistress is a pert young Hussy, and I shall tell her Mother
of her.
Lett.
That will never do; you had better trust to her own Good-nature;
'tis I am your Friend, and if we can get over three little Obstacles,
I don't despair of marrying you to her, yet.
Old.
What are those Obstacles?
Lett.
Why, Sir, there is in the first Place, your great Age; you are at
least some Sixty-Six.
Old.
It's a Lye; I want several—Months of it.
Lett.
If you did not, I think we may get over this: one Half of your
Fortune makes a very sufficient Amends for your Age.
Old.
We shan't fall out about that.
Lett.
Well, Sir; then there is, in the second Place, your terrible,
ungenteel Air: This is a grand Obstacle with her who is dotingly fond
of every thing that is fine and foppish; and yet I think we may get
over this too, by the other Half of your Fortune. —And now there
remains but one, which, if you can find any thing to set aside, I
believe I may promise you, you shall
have her; and that is, Sir, that horrible Face of yours, which it
is impossible for any one to see without being frighten'd.
Old.
Ye impudent Baggage! I'll tell your Mistress, I'll have you
turn'd off.
Lett.
That will be well repaying me indeed, for all the Services I have
done you.
Old.
Services!
Lett.
Services! yes, Sir, Services, and to let you see I think you fit
for a Husband, I'll have you my self. ! Who can be more proper for a
Husband, than a Man of your Age and Taste? for I think you cou'd not
have the Conscience to live above a Year or a Year and half at most:
And I think a good plentiful Jointure wou'd make amends for ones
enduring you as long as that; provided we live in separate parts of
the House, and one had a good handsom Groom of the Chambers to attend
one.
AIR IV. Hark, hark, the Cock crows.
When a Lover like you,
Does a Woman pursue,
She must have little Wit in her Brain, Sir;
If for better and worse,
She takes not the Purse,
Alas, with her sighing poor Swain, Sir;
Tho' hugg'd to her Wishes,
Amidst empty Dishes,
Much Hunger her Stomach may prove, Sir;
But a Pocket of Gold,
As full as 'twill hold,
Will still find her Food for her Love, Sir. Old.
You are an impertinent impudent Baggage! and I have a mind to—I
am out of Breath with Passion; and I shall not recover it this half
Hour.
Rak.
Your Servant, Mrs. Lettice; what, have you and the great
Squire Oldcastle been entertaining one another with?
Lett.
With his Passion for your young Mistress, or rather her Passion
for him. I have been bantering him 'till he is in such a Rage that I
actually doubt whether he will not beat her or no.
Rak.
Will you never leave off your Frolicks; since we must pay for
them. You have put him out of Humour; now will he go and put my Lady
out of Humour; and then we may be all beaten for aught I know.
Lett.
Well, Sirrah! And do you think I had not rather twenty such as
you shou'd be beaten to Death, than my Master shou'd be robb'd of his
Mistress?
Rak.
Your humble Servant, Madam, you need not take any great Pains to
convince me of your Fondness for your Master. I believe he has more
Mistresses than what are in our House: But hang it, I am too polite to
be Jealous, and if he has done me the favour with you: why perhaps, I
may return it one Day with some Body else. I am not the first
Gentleman of the party-colour'd Regiment, who has been even with his
Master.
AIR V. As down in a Meadow, &c.
See John and his Master as together they pass,
Or see them admiring themselves in the Glass:
Each cocks fierce his Hat, each struts and looks big,
Both have Lace on their Coat, and a Bag to their Wig,
Both swear, and both rattle, both game, and both drink,
When neither can write, or can read, or e'er think.
Say then where the Difference lies if you can,
Faith! Widows you'd give it on the side of the Man. Rak.
But, my dear Lettice, I do not approve this Match in our
Families.
Lett.
Why so?
Rak.
You know how desperate his Circumstances are, and she has no
Fortune.
Lett.
She hath indeed no Fortune of her own; but her Aunt Highman
is very rich.
Rak.
She will be little the better for't.
Lett.
Then there's the Chance of both her Brother's Death; besides an
Uncle in Yorkshire, who hath but five Children only, one of
which hath never had the Small-pox: nay, there are not above 16 or 17
between her and an Irish Barony.
Rak.
Ay, this Lady wou'd make a fine Fortune, after two or three good
Plagues. In short, I find there is but little hopes on our side, and
if there be no more on yours—
Lett.
Oh, yes, there are hopes enough on ours. There is hopes of my
young Master's growing better, for I am sure there is no possibility
of his growing worse. Hopes of my old Master's staying abroad. Hopes
of his being drown'd if he attempts coming Home. Hopes of the Stars
falling.—
Rak.
Dear Mrs. Lettice, do not jest with such serious things,
as Hunger and Thirst. Do you seriously think that all your Master's
Entertainments are at an end?
Lett.
So far from it, that he is this Day to give a grand Entertainment
to your Mistress, and about a Dozen more Gentlemen and Ladies.
Rak.
My Chops begin to water. I find your Master is a very honest
Fellow, and it is possible may hold cut two or three Weeks longer.
Lett.
You are mistaken, Sir, there will be no Danger of his giving any
more entertainments; for there is a certain Gentleman call'd an
Upholsterer, who, the moment that the Company
is gone, is to make his Entrance into the House, and carry every
thing out on't.
Rak.
A very good way, faith, of furnishing a House to receive a Wife
in; your Master has set me a very good Pattern against you and I
marry, Mrs. Lettice.
Lett.
Sauce-box! Do you think I'll have you?
Rak.
Unless I can provide better for my self.
Lett.
Well, that I am fond of thee I am certain, and what I am fond of
I can't imagine; unless it be thy invincible Impudence.
Rak.
Why, faith, I think I have the Impudence of a Gentleman, and
there is nothing better to succeed with the Ladies.
AIR VI. [RAK.]
When Modesty sues for a Favour,
What answers the Politick Lass? Lett.
That she mightily likes his Behaviour,
And thinks in her Heart he's an Ass;
And thinks in her Heart he's an Ass. Rak.
But when bolder Impudence rushes,
And manfully seizes her Charms? Lett.
Lard you're rude, Sir, she cries, then she blushes,
And folds the brisk Youth in her Arms.
And folds, &c.
[Exeunt.
Trick.
Yes, Sir, you will please to cast it up your self, and I believe
our Accounts will correspond
Val.
I'll take your Word for it, Sir; and if you please to let me have
500 more, I shall owe you 1000.
Trick.
Sir, the Money was none of my own, I had it from another; and it
must be paid, Sir, he hath called it in.
Val.
He may call as long as he pleases, but 'till I call it in, it
will signify not much. Sir, I have thought of an Expedient, if the
Money you lent me was another's, and he be impatient for it; you may
pay him off: Lay me down the other 500, and take the whole Debt upon
your self.
Trick.
I am quite out of Cash, Sir, or you know you might command me;
and therefore I hope you will not put off the Payment any longer.
Val.
I am extremely busy to Day, and beg you would call another time.
Trick.
I have called so often that I am quite weary of calling; and if I
am not paid within these three Days, I shall send a Lawyer for my
Money—and so your Servant.
Trusty.
I went to the Jeweller's with the Ring which your Honour told me
cost an Hundred Pound, but he refus'd to give me any more than 50 for
it, so I e'en took that.
Val.
Very well!
Trusty.
As for the old Silver Bowl which your Father valu'd at Fourscore
Pounds, Mr. Whiting said, there was so much reckon'd for the
Fashion; and that it was so old and
ungenteel, that he offer'd me but 20: But I knew your Honour
wanted Money, and so I took it.
Val.
Very well.
Trusty.
The Gold repeating Watch I carried to the Maker, and told him he
had received 50 odd Guineas for it, two Years ago: but he said it was
much the worse for wearing; and that the Nobility and Gentry run so
much into Pixchbeck, that he had not dispos'd of two Gold
Watches this Month. However he said he would give half; and I thought
that better than nothing, so I let him have it.
Val.
Very well.
Trusty.
But this was nothing to that Rogue in Monmouth-Street, who
offer'd me but 16l. for the two Suits of fine Clothes, that I dare
swear stood your Honour in above a 100 l. flew into a great Passion
with him, and have brought them back again.
Val.
You shou'd have taken the Money.
Trusty.
One piece of surprising good Fortune was the saving of your
Medals, which as I was just going to dispose of, a Gentleman whisper'd
in my Ear, that a certain Knight that wou'd be in Town in a Fortnight,
wou'd give six times as much for them.
Val.
A Fortnight! what of a Fortnight? a Fortnight's an Age. I would
not give a Shilling for the Reversion of an Estate so long to come.
Here give me what Money you have brought, and go and dispose of the
rest immediately.
Trusty.
But, Sir, I wish your Honour would consider: for my part I dread
my old Master's coming home, and yet if he does not, what you will do
any longer, Heaven knows.
Val.
Don't trouble thy self about that; but go execute my Commands.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Sir, a Gentleman in Mourning desires to see you.
Val.
Shew him in. [Exit Servant.] Wou'd my dear Charlotte
were here.
Slap.
I believe you do not, Sir; I ask pardon, but I have a small Writ
against you.
Val.
A Writ against me!
Slap.
Don't be uneasy, Sir; it is only for a trifle, Sir; about 200 l.
Val.
What must I do, Sir!
Slap.
Oh, Sir! whatever you please, only pay the Money, or give Bail,
which you please.
Val.
I can do neither of them this Instant, and I expect Company every
Moment. I suppose, Sir, you'll take my Word till To-morrow Morning?
Slap.
Oh, yes, Sir; with all my Heart. If you will be so good as to
step to my House hard by, you shall be extremely well us'd, and I'll
take your Word.
Val.
Your House! 'Sdeath you Rascal!
Slap.
Nay, Sir, 'tis in vain to bully.
Val.
Nay, then!—who's there—my Servants. [Enter Servants.]
here kick this Fellow down Stairs.
Slap.
This is a Resene, remember that—a Rescue, Sir, I'll have my
Lord Chief Justice's Warrant.
Val.
By none but you, my Love; I have no Wounds but those you can
cure.
Charl.
Heaven be prais'd! But what was the Occasion of this Bustle?
Val.
Nothing, my Dear, but a Couple of Fencing-Masters— I happen'd
to turn about, and one of them cut me on the Back, that's all.
Charl.
You see the Dangers I run on your Account, should my Aunt know of
my being here, I shall be undone for ever. Nay, and what the rest of
the Company will think when they see me here before them, I dread to
imagine.
Val.
You know you have it in your Power to silence the Tongues of the
World whenever you please: And Oh Charlotte! I wish you would
this Day consent to make, this House your reputable Home.
Charl.
Press me not, Valentine: for whatever be the Consequence,
if you should, I feel, I cannot deny you.
Val.
If you can place any Confidence in Vows, I know not how to bind
my self faster to you, than I have done already; but you have a
better, which is in your own Merit. Believe me, Charlotte, Men
are more constant than you imagine. He that marries for Money, is
constant to the Love of his Wife's Money. He that marries for Beauty,
is commonly constant while that Beauty lasts, and a Love that's fix'd
on Merit as mine, will be constant while that endures.
Charl.
Well, we must all run a Risque, believe me; as to the point of
Fortune, it is the least of my Thoughts. A Woman, who can carry her
Prudence so far as that, cheats you when she pretends to Love. Love
reigns alone in every Breast it inhabits, and in my Opinion makes us
amends for the Absence of Madam Prudence, and all her Train.
Val.
Thou dearest Girl, this Night shall make me thine.
Valentine and Company, seated as after Dinner.
Call in the Dancers. I hope, Ladies, your Good-nature will make you as kind to this part of the Entertainment as it hath to the other.
Marg.
Je vous felicite de votre Gout ravissant, Monsieur Valentine
, mais allons! Dancons nous mesmes.
Val.
My Father arriv'd, say you?
Let.
Yes, Sir, and will be here instantly.
Val.
Death and Hell! what shall I do, Lettice! I must trust to
the Contrivance of thy Brain, or I am undone.
Lett.
Well, I will do the best I can for you; in the mean time be not
chagrin, enjoy your Friends, and take no Notice of it. I will lie
perdue for him, and meet him at the Door. Be sure to keep close
Garrison, and after I am gone out, open the Doors to none.
Val.
Send thee good Luck, my best Wench. Come, Gentlemen and Ladies,
what say you, are you for Cards or Hazard?
All.
Hazard, Hazard.
Marg.
Hazard! ma voix est tousjours pour Hazard!
Goodall, Lettice, and Servant with a Portmantua.
Good.
This cursed Stage-Coach from Portsmouth hath fatigu'd me
more than my Voyage from the Cape of Good hope:
but Heav'n be prais'd, I am once more arriv'd within sight of my
own Doors. I cannot help thinking how pleas'd my Son will be to see me
returned a full Year sooner than my Intention.
Lett.
He would be much more pleased to hear you were at the Cape of
Good-hope yet.
Lett.
I believe he is half dead already; but now for you my good
Master. [Aside.] Bless me, what do I see? An Apparition?
Good.
Lettice!
Lett.
Is it my dear Master Goodall returned, or is it the Devil
in his Shape? Is it you, Sir, is it positively you your self?
Good.
Even so. How do you do, Lettice?
Lett.
Much at your Honour's Service. I am heartily glad to see your
Honour in such good Health. Why, the Air of the Indies hath
agreed vastly with you. Indeed, Sir, you ought to have stay'd a little
longer there for the sake of your Health— and our Quiet.
Lett.
I'll answer for him, he hath put your Affairs into a Condition
that will surprise you, take my Word for it.
Good.
I warrant you, he is every Day in the Alley. Stocks have gone
just as I imagined, and if he followed my Advice he must have amassed
a vast Sum of Money.
Lett.
Not a Farthing, Sir.
Good.
How, how, how!
Lett.
Sir, he hath paid it out as fast as it came in.
Good.
How!
Lett.
Put it out I mean, Sir, to Interest, to Interest, Sir; why, our
House hath been a perfect Fair ever since you went, People coming for
Money every Hour of the Day.
Good.
That's very well done, and I long to see my dear Boy [To
Lettice.] knock at the Door.
Lett.
Your Servant, Mr. Security—Here's a Rogue of a Usurer,
who hath found a very proper time to ask for his Money in.
Sec.
Do you know, Mrs. Lettice, that I am weary of following
your Master Day after Day in this manner, without finding him, and
that, if he does not pay me To-day, I shall sue out an Execution
directly. A thousand Pounds are a Sum—
Good.
What, what, what's this I hear?
Let.
I'll explain it to you by and by, Sir.
Good.
Does my Son owe you a thousand Pounds?
Sec.
Your Son, Sir!
Good.
Yes, Sir, this Woman's young Master, who lives at that House, Mr.
Valentine Goodall is my Son.
Sec.
Yes, Sir, he does, and I am very glad you are returned to pay it
me.
Good.
There go two Words tho' to that Bargain.
Lett.
I believe, Sir, you will do it with a great deal of Joy, when you
know that his owing this Money, is purely an Effect of his good
Conduct.
Good.
Good Conduct! Owing Money good Conduct?
Lett.
Yes, Sir, he hath bought a House of the Price of two thousand
Pounds, which every one says is worth more than four, and this he
could not have done without borrowing this thousand Pound. I am sure,
Sir, I and he, and Trusty ran all over the Town to get the
Money, that he might not lose so good a Bargain. I believe there will
not go many Words to the Payment on't now.
Lett.
In what part of the Town?
Good.
Yes, there are, you know, some Quarters better than others—as
for example, this here—
Lett.
Well, and it is in this that it stands.
Good.
What, not the great House yonder, is it?
Lett.
No, no, no, do you see that House yonder— where the Windows
seem to have been just cleaned.
Good.
Yes.
Lett.
It is not that—and a little beyond, you see another very large
House higher than any other in the Square.
Good.
I do.
Lett.
But it is not that.—Take particular Notice of the House
opposite to it, a very handsom House, is it not?
Good.
Yes, indeed is it.
Lett.
That is not the House—but you may see one with great Gates
before it, almost opposite to another that fronts a Street, at the End
of which stands the House which your Son hath bought.
Good.
There is no good House in that Street, as I remember, but Mrs.
Highman's.
Lett.
That's the very House.
Good.
That is a very good Bargain, indeed; but how comes a Woman in her
Circumstances to sell her House?
Let.
It is impossible, Sir, to account for Peoples Actions; besides,
she is out of her Senses.
Good.
Out of her Senses!
Lett.
Yes, Sir, her Family hath taken out a Commission of Lunacy
against her, and her Son, who is a most abandon'd Prodigal, hath sold
all she had for half its Value.
Good.
Son! why, she was not marry'd when I went away.
Lett.
No, Sir; but to the great Surprize of every one, and to the great
Scandal of all our Sex, there appeared all of a sudden a very lusty
young Fellow, of the Age of Three and
Twenty, whom she owned to have been her Son, and that his Father
was a Grenadier in the first Regiment of Guards.
Good.
Oh, monstrous!
Lett.
Ah, Sir! if every Child in this City knew his own Father; if
Children were to inherit only the Estates of those who begot them, it
would cause a great Confusion in Inheritances.
AIR X. Pierot's Dance.
Were all Womens Secrets known,
Did each Father know his own,
Many a Son now bred to Trade,
Then had shin'd in rich Brocade;
Many Cits
Had been Wits,
In Estate, tho' not in Sense;
Many Beaux,
Birth-Day Clothes,
Had not worn at Cits Expence:
For did our Women wise, indeed,
Contrive no way to mend the Breed,
Our Sparks such pretty Masters grow,
So spruce, so taper, and so low;
From Britons tall,
Our Heroes shall
Be Lilliputians all. Good.
Well, but I stand here talking too long; knock at the Door.
Lett.
What shall I do?
Lett.
No, Sir, but—
Good.
But! but what? Hath any one robbed me in my Absence?
Lett.
No, Sir; not absolutely robbed you, Sir.—What shall I say?—
Good.
Explain yourself, speak.
Lett.
Oh, Sir! I can withhold my Tears no longer.— Enter not, I
beseech you, Sir, your House, Sir; your dear House, that you, and I,
and my poor young Master lov'd so much, within these six Months.
Good.
What of my House, within these six Months?
Lett.
Hath been haunted, Sir, with the most terrible Apparitions that
were ever heard or beheld! you'd think the Devil himself had taken
Possession of it: Nay, I believe he hath too; all the wild Noises in
the Universe, the squeaking of Pigs, the grinding of Knives, the
whetting of Saws, the whistling of Winds, the roaring of Seas, the
hooting of Owls, the howling of Wolves, the braying of Asses, the
squalling of Children, and the scolding of Wives, all put together,
make not so hideous a Consort. This I my self have heard; nay, and I
have seen such Sights! one with about twenty Heads, and a hundred
Eyes, and Mouths, and Noses in each.
Good.
Heyday! the Wench is mad. Stand from before the Door! I'll see
whether the Devil can keep me out from my own House. Haunted
indeed!—
Lett.
Sir, I have a Friendship for you, and you shall not go.
Lett.
No, Sir, not till the Devil is driven out on't; there are two
Priests at work upon him now. Hark, I think the Devils are dancing.
Nay, Sir, you may listen your self, and get in too, if you can.
Lett.
I have nothing but his monstrous Superstition to rely on.
Lett.
Why, Sir, I am surpriz'd you shou'd think I wou'd impose upon
you. I assure you, your House is haunted by a whole Legion of Devils.
Your whole Family hath been driven out of it; and this was one Reason
why your Son bought Madam Highman's House, not being able to
live any longer in this.
Good.
I am in a cold Sweat! What, my Son left this House!
Lett.
Oh! Sir, I am sure, had you known the Terrors we underwent for a
whole Fortnight, especially poor I, Sir, who lay every Night
frightned, with the Sight of the most monstrous large things, fearing
every Minute what they would do to me—
Good.
Can all this be true, or are you imposing on me? I have indeed
heard of such things as Apparitions, on just Causes, and believe in
them; but why they shou'd haunt my House, I can't imagine.
Lett.
Why, Sir, they tell me, before you bought the House, there was a
Murder committed in it.
Good.
I must inquire into all these things. But, in the mean time, I
must send this Portmanteau to my Son's new House.
Lett.
No, Sir, that's a little improper at present.
Good.
What, is that House haunted! Hath the Devil taken Possession of
that House too?
Lett.
No, Sir, but Madam Highman hath not yet quitted Possession
of it. I told you before, Sir, that she was out of her Senses; and if
any one does but mention the Sale of her House to her, it throws her
into the most violent Convulsions.
Lett.
I wish, Sir, for a Day or two—
Good.
You throw me out of all manner of Patience. I am resolv'd I will
go thither this Instant.
Lett.
Here she is herself; but, pray remember the Condition she is in,
and don't do any thing to chagrin her.
Lettice, Goodall, Mrs. Highman.
Mrs. High.
What do I see! Mr. Goodall return'd?
Lett.
Yes, Madam, it is him; but alas! he's not himself— he's
distracted; his Losses in his Voyage have turn'd his Brain, and he is
become a downright Lunatick.
Mrs. High.
I am heartily concern'd for his Misfortune. Poor Gentleman!
Lett.
If he shou'd speak to you by chance, have no Regard to what he
says; we are going to shut him up in a Mad-house, with all Expedition.
Mrs. High. [Aside.]
He hath a strange wand'ring in his Countenance.
Good. [Aside.]
How miserably she is alter'd! She hath a terrible Look with her
Eyes.
Mrs. High.
Mr. Goodall, your very humble Servant. I am glad to see
you return'd, tho' I am sorry for your Misfortune.
Good.
I must have Patience, and trust in Heaven, and in the Power of
the Priests, who are now endeavouring to lay these wicked Spirits,
with which my House is haunted.
Mrs. High.
His House haunted! poor Man! but I must not contradict him, that
wou'd make him worse.
Good.
In the mean time, Mrs. Highman, I shou'd be oblig'd to
you, if you wou'd let me order my Portmanteau to your House.
Mrs. High.
My House is at your Service, and I desire you wou'd use it in the
same manner as your own.
Lett.
She hath some lucid Intervals, Sir, but her Fit will soon return.
Good.
I am extremely sorry for your Misfortune, Mrs. Highman,
which indeed, had I not been so well assur'd of, I cou'd not have
believ'd: But I have known some in your way, who, during the Intervals
of their Fits, have talked very reasonably; therefore give me leave to
ask you the Cause of your Phrensy; for I much question, whether this
Commission of Lunacy that has been taken out against you, be not
without sufficient Proof.
Mrs. High.
A Commission of Lunacy against me! me!
Good.
Lettice, I see she is worse than I imagin'd.
Mrs. High.
However, if you are not more mischievous than you at present
seem, I think it is wrong in them to confine you in a Madhouse.
Good.
Confine me! Ha, ha, ha! This is turning the Tables upon me,
indeed! But, Mrs. Highman, I wou'd not have you be uneasy that
your House is sold; at least, it is better for you that my Son hath
bought it, than another; for you shall have an Apartment in it still,
in the same manner as if it was still your own, and you were in your
Senses.
Mrs. High.
What's all this? As if I was still in my Senses! Let me tell you,
Mr. Goodall, you are a poor distracted Wretch, and ought to
have an Apartment in a dark Room, and clean Straw.
Good.
Since you come to that, Madam, I shall shew you the nearest way
out of Doors; and I give you warning to take away your things, for I
shall fill all the Rooms with Goods within these few Days.
Lettice, Goodall, Mrs. Highman, Slap, Constable, and Assistants.
Slap.
That's the Door, Mr. Constable.
Lett.
What's to be done now, I wonder?
Good.
Who are you, Sir, in the Devil's Name? And what do you want in
that House?
Slap.
Sir, I have a Prisoner there, and I have my Lord-Chief-Justice's
Warrant against him.
Good.
For what Sum, Sir? Are you a Justice of Peace?
Slap.
I am one of his Majesty's Officers, Sir; and this Day I arrested
one Mr. Valentine Goodall, who lives in this House, for Two
Hundred Pounds; his Servants have rescu'd him, and I have a Judge's
Warrant for the Rescue.
Good.
What do I hear? But harkee, Friend, that House that you are going
to break open is haunted; and there is no one in it, but a couple of
Priests who are laying the Devil.
Slap.
I warrant you, I lay the Devil better than all the Priests in
Europe. Come, Mr. Constable, do your Office, I have no time
to lose: Sir, I have several other Writs to execute before Night.
Lett.
I have defended my Pass as long as I can, and now I think it is
no Cowardice to steal off.
Slap.
Sir, we have Authority for what we do.
Col.
Damn your Authority, Sir! if you don't go about your Business, I
shall show you my Authority, and send you all to the Devil.
Slap.
It is he! I have a Warrant against him too: I wish it was in my
Pocket.
Const.
Mr. Slap, shall we knock him down?
Slap.
Sir, I desire you wou'd give us leave to enter the House and
seize our Prisoner.
Mons.
Que veut due cette Bruit quelle vilain Anglois! quelle pouscon
ventre bleu! allons! Monsieur le Colonel! allons! frappons!
Slap.
If you oppose us any longer, I shall proceed to Force.
Col.
If you love Force, I'll shew you the way, you Dogs.
Col.
Hold, Sir, you must not enter here.
Good.
Not enter into my own House, Sir?
Col.
No, sir, if it be yours, you must not come within it.
Mons.
Il ne faut pas entrer icy.
Good.
Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with the Master of the House.
Col.
Sir, the Master of the House desires to speak with no such
Fellows as you are; you are not fit Company for any of the Gentlemen
in this House.
Good.
Sir, the Master of this House is my Son.
Col.
Sir, your most obedient humble Servant; I am overjoy'd to see you
return'd; give me leave, Sir, to introduce you to this Gentleman:
Monsieur le Marquis Quelque Chose, le Perre de Monsieur Valentine.
Mons.
Ah, Monsieur que je suis ravi de vous voir.
Good.
Gentlemen, your most obedient humble Servant.
Col.
Give me leave to tell you, Sir, you have the Honour of being
Father to one of the finest Gentlemen of the Age: a Man so
accomplish'd, so well bred, and so generous; that I believe he never
wou'd part with a Guest, while he had a Shilling in his Pocket, nor
indeed while he cou'd borrow one.
Good.
I believe it indeed, Sir, therefore you can't wonder if I am
impatient to see him.
Col.
Be not in such haste, dear Sir; I want to talk with you about
your Affairs; I hope you have had good Success in the snares;
have cheated the Company handsomly; and made an immense Fortune.
Good.
I have no Reason to complain.
Good.
Pray, Gentlemen, let me see this Miracle of a Son of mine.
Col.
That you shou'd, Sir, long ago, but really, Sir, the House is a
little out of order at present, there is but one Room furnish'd in it;
and that is so full of Company, that I am afraid there wou'd be a
small deficiency of Chairs. You can't imagine, Sir, how opportune you
are come; there was not any one thing left in the House to raise any
Money upon.
Good.
What, all my Pictures gone?
Col.
He sold them first; Sir, he was oblig'd to sell them for the
delicacy of his Taste: He certainly is the modestest young Fellow in
the World, and has complain'd to me a hundred times of the indecent
Liberty Painters take in exposing the Breasts and Limbs of Women; you
had indeed, Sir, a very scandalous Collection, and he was never easy
while they were in the House.
Col.
I told you, Sir, he was one of the modestest young Fellows in
England.
Good.
You may very well be asham'd; but come, let me see the inside of
my House; let me see that both sides of my Walls are standing.
Good.
Oh, Sir! I am their very humble Servant; I am infinitely oblig'd
to all the Persons of Fashion, that they will so generously condescend
to eat a poor Citizen out of House and Home.
Col.
Harkye, Val, shall we toss this old Fellow in a Blanket?
Val.
Sir, I trust in your Good-nature and Forgiveness; and will wait
on you in.
Good.
Oh, that ever I shou'd live to see this Day!
Mons.
Pardie voila Homme extraordinaire.
Lord Pride, Lord Puff, &c.
L. Pride.
I told you, my Lord, it would never hold long; when once the
Chariot disappear'd, I thought the Master wou'd soon follow.
L. Puff.
I help'd him on with a small List, the other Day, at Piquet.
L. Pride.
Did you do any thing considerable?
L. Puff.
A mere Trifle, my Lord: It wou'd not have been worth mentioning,
if it had been of any other; but I fansy, in his present
Circumstances, it cut pretty deep.
L. Pride.
Damn me! there's a Pleasure in ruining these little mechanical
Rascals, when they presume to rival the extravagant Expences of us Men
of Quality.
That ever such Plebeian Scoundrels, who are oblig'd to pay their Debts, shou'd presume to engage with us Men of Quality, who are not!
Goodall, Valentine, Charlotte, Colonel, Monsieur, Lord Pride, Lord Puff, &c.
Val.
Gentlemen, and Ladies, my Father being just arriv'd from the
Indies, desires to make one of this good Company.
Good.
My good Lords (that I may affront none, by calling him beneath
his Title) I am highly sensible of the great Honour you do my Self,
and my Son, by filling my poor House with your noble Persons, and your
noble Persons with my poor Wine and Provisions. I dare swear you have
been all highly instrumental in the Extravagancies of my Son; for
which I am very much oblig'd to you, and humbly hope that I shall
never see him, or any of your Faces again.
L. Pride.
Brother Puff, what does the Fellow mean?
L. Puff.
Curse me, if I know.
Good.
I am very glad that my Son hath ruin'd himself in so good a
Company; that when I disinherit him, he can't fail of being provided
for. I promise my self that your Interest will help him to Places and
Preferments in abundance.
L. Pride.
Sir, any thing in my Power, he may always command.
L. Puff.
Or mine.
L. Pride.
But let me whisper a Word in your Ear.—Your Son is a very
extravagant Fellow.
Good.
That's very true, Sir; but I hope that you will consider that you
have assisted him in it; and therefore will help his Necessities with
a Brace of Thousands.
L. Pride.
I don't understand you, Sir.
Good.
Why then, Sir, that you may understand me, I must tell you in
plain Words, that he owes his Ruin to entertaining such fine Gentlemen
as your self.
L. Pride.
Me, Sir! Rat me! I would have you know, I think I do you too much
Honour in entering into your Doors: But I am glad you have taught me
at what distance to keep
such Mechanicks for the future: Come, Puff, let's to the
Opera. I see, if a Man hath not good Blood in his Veins, Riches won't
teach him to behave like a Gentleman.
L. Puff.
Cannille!
1 Lady.
My Lord Pride, and my Lord Puff, gone! Come, my
Dear, the Assembly is broke up; let us make haste away, or we shall be
too late for any other.
2 Lady.
With all my Heart, for I am heartily sick of this.
3 Lady.
Come, come, come; away, away!
Col.
Sir, you are a Scrub; and if I had not a Friendship for your Son;
I'd shew you how you ought to treat People of Fashion.
Good.
Why don't you follow your Companions, Sir?
Val.
Ah! Sir, I am so sensible of what I have done, that I could fly
into a Desart from the Apprehensions of your just Wrath; nay, I will,
unless you can forgive me.
Good.
Who are you, Madam, that stay behind the rest of your Company?
There is no more Mischief to be done here, so there is no more
Business for a fine Lady.
Charl.
Sir, I stay to intreat you to forgive your poor unhappy Son, who
will otherwise sink under the weight of your Displeasure.
Good.
Ah, Madam, if that be all the Business, you may leave this House
as soon as you please; for him I am determin'd to turn directly out
on't.
Charl.
Then, Sir, I am determin'd to go with him. Be comforted,
Valentine, I have some Fortune which my Aunt cannot prevent me
from, and it will make us happy, for a while at least; and I prefer a
Year, a Month, a Day, with the Man I love, to a whole stupid Age
without him.
AIR XI. The Lass of Patie's Mill.
Thus when the Tempest high,
Roars dreadful from above,
The Constant Turtles fly
Together to the Grove:
Each spreads its tender Wings,
And hovers o'er its Mate;
They kiss, they cooe, and sing,
And love, in spite of Fate.
AIR XII.
My tender Heart me long beguil'd,
I now first my Passions prov'd;
Had Fortune on you ever smil'd,
I'd known not how I lov'd.
Base Passions, like base Metals, cold,
With true may seem the same;
But wou'd you know true Love and Gold,
Still try them in the Flame.
Goodall, Valentine, Charlotte, Oldcastle, Mrs. Highman.
Old.
Here, Madam, now you may trust your own Eyes, if you won't
believe mine.
Mrs. High.
What do I see? My Niece in the very Arms of her Betrayer, and his
Father an Abettor of the Injustice!— Sir, give me leave to tell you,
your Madness is a poor Excuse for this Behaviour.
Good.
Madam, I ask your Pardon for what I said to you today. I was was
impos'd on by a vile Wretch, who, I dare swear, misrepresented each of
us to the other. I assure you, I am not mad, nor do I believe you so.
Mrs. High.
Thou vile Wretch! thou Dishonour of thy Family! How dost thou
dare to appear before my Face?
Charl.
Madam, I have done nothing to be asham'd of; and I dare appear
before any one's Face.
Mrs High.
She was, before your Son had accomplish'd his base Designs on
her.
Charl.
Madam, you injure him; his Designs on me have been still
honourable, nor hath he said any thing which the most virtuous Ears
might not have heard.
Val.
To-morrow shall silence your Suspicions on that Head.
Mrs. High.
What, Mr. Goodall, do you forgive your Son's Extravagance?
Good.
Is this Lady your Heiress?
Mrs. High.
I once intended her so.
Good.
Why then, Madam, I like her generous Passion for my Son so much,
that if you will give her a Fortune equal to what I shall settle on
him, I shall not prevent their Happiness.
Mr. High.
Won't you? And I see she is so intirely his, in her Heart, that
since he hath not dared to think dishonourably of her, I shall do all
in my Power to make it a Bargain.
Val.
Eternal Blessings on you both! Now, my Charlotte, I am
bless'd indeed.
Old.
And pray, Madam, what's to become of me?
Mrs. High.
That, Sir, I cannot possibly tell; you know I was your Friend;
but my Niece thought fit to dispose of herself another way.
Old.
Your Niece has behav'd like a—Bodikins! I am in a Passion; and
for her sake, I'll never make Love to any Woman again, I am resolv'd.
Good.
I hope, Valentine, you will make the only Return in your
Power to my paternal Tenderness in forgiving you; and let the Misery
you so narrowly escap'd, from your former Extravagancies, be a Warning
to you for the future.
Val.
Sir, was my Gratitude to your great Goodness insufficient to
reclaim me, I am in no danger of engaging in any Vice, whereby this
Lady might be a Sufferer.