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Martial.
In the Life of Gines de Passamonte, alias Peter, (a Treatise which Cervantes mentions with great Encomiums) we have this second Adventure of his Puppetshew: 'Tis there recorded to have happen'd in the Town which liv'd in perpetual Broils with the braying Aldermen. In the following Piece I have related the Story in a Dramatic Way; I have too taken the Liberty to make it conformable to our own Customs, and made England the Scene of the Farce: But (knowing the Captiousness of Guilt) to prevent particular Persons from claiming general Satire, I have chose to place the Adventure in a fictitious Country Town, suppos'd to be remote from the great Scenes of Life. Whoever will be at the Pains to compare it with the Spanish, will find that (excepting these Particulars) I have, in every material Circumstance, faithfully follow'd the Original.
Miss Betty Broach, Jack Oaf, Will Gosling.
Gosl.
Miss Betty Broach is in all her Airs to-day.
Oaf.
And rot me, if I don't think her as well-drest and as well-bred
as any of our Aldermen's Wives! Now, Will Gosling, would not
you rather have her than any of them? Pox take me if I would not.
Gosl.
Miss Betty hath an Eye, that certain.
Oaf.
Kissing and Anger apart then, Miss Betty, I came hither
out of pure stark Love and Kindness to you and your Family.—Mr
Broach at present seems to be in a good thriving Way of Business.
Betty.
Bless us all, what's the Matter?—
Gosl.
Nay, there is no Harm done as yet.
Betty.
To be sure my Father hath been particularly oblig'd to Mr
Gosling, who will condescend to drink at our House, when his Uncle
Cackle keeps the Swan but down the next Street.
Gosl.
But after all, Miss Betty, how could Mr Broach be
so ill advis'd to let Master Peter and his Puppetshew into his
House.
Oaf.
It may seem a Trifle, Madam, but, rot me, if the Thing is not of
Consequence.—I know it will infallibly turn out to his Ruin.—Faith
and Troth I am serious about it.
Betty.
I don't understand you, Mr Oaf. The Shew is for the
Amusement and Entertainment of the Town, and in all Likelihood it will
rather promote Custom than lessen it.
Gosl.
How comes it to pass that he chuses our Town for his Shew?
Betty.
As he chuses any other, to get Money if he can.
Gosl.
You make slight of this Matter, Miss Betty, I perceive.
Oaf.
I must tell you then, Miss Betty, that I know something of
this Fellow. The Rascal is brib'd: Not that I think there is much in
that, provided it were in a right Cause; but the Dog is brib'd
against us. Brib'd to turn the whole Corporation of Goatham
into Ridicule! This is Matter of Fact, Miss Betty.—Now pray
do you consider what will be the Consequence of your Father's
harbouring the Rascal?
Gosl.
Nothing alive but Puppets would dare to be so insolent; for we
see all well-bred Men now-a-days pay the due Homage to Riches and
Power as they ought; and your Father, beyond Dispute, will be look'd
upon to be the Confederate of these impudent Creatures. Remember what
I tell you. I know he is brib'd, I know he is hir'd.
Betty.
And pray who hath hir'd him? Whenever People are ridiculous, you
need not purchase Laughers; besides, whenever ridiculous People grow
captious and peevish, it only makes the Laugh the stronger and more
general. For do what we will, if some Folks will have their Follies
and Absurdities, there are others who will have their Laugh. I
ask you, Sir, who hath hir'd him?
Oaf.
So, you vindicate him then, Madam;— if you knew who had hir'd
the Fellow, without doubt you would that Instant give him up. You
know, Miss Betty, the Townsmen of Assborough have, time
out of mind, had an old Grudge against our Town.—Now, who do you
think hath set him upon us?
Gosl.
If you suffer the Shew to be play'd, you may brew as good strong
Beer as you will—
Oaf.
And you yourself, in all your Airs, Miss Betty, may sit in
the Bar all day long to lure in Customers.—You will not draw one of
the Corporation into your House, that I can tell you.
Gosl.
Miss Betty is fond of a Puppetshew, to be sure that's the
Case.
Betty.
I own I am so fond of it, that I would not, because Fools are
captious, have the Town loose its Diversion.
Oaf.
To suffer Peter to come into the Town at all; was not
Usage that I expected from the Corporation. After the Theatrical
Entertainments I have writ, and I may say without Vanity, writ up to
their Tastes.—I think the Town ow'd me so much, as not to suffer any
Interlopers in a Dramatic Way.
Betty.
But, dear Mr Oaf, consider this is only a Puppetshew. Sure
you won't mention that and your own Works at the same Time.
Gosl.
Without doubt it would vex a Man.—If the Shew takes.—After
all, it would draw Custom to the House, and, tho' I like Betty
Broach, I would not have my Uncle entirely lose all his Business.
Jack Oaf, Will Gosling, Betty Broach, Mr Broach, Mrs Broach.
Mr Broach.I would have sworn, Gentlemen, that I had left you drinking a Bottle in the Dining-room with the Corporation.—But I might indeed have known you were not among them, they were all so wise and grave.
Mrs Broach.There are very few Jokes that they relish.—You, Gentlemen, have
the Wit just fitted for 'em,—and whenever you speak among
'em, I have observ'd you never want Laughers; now that is being
very obliging.
Betty.
To be sure Mr Oaf and Mr Gosling have been always
the favourite Wits of our top Men.
Gosl.
Jack Oaf indeed is so comically profane upon all
Occasions, that he makes them all titter and laugh 'till they are
ready to burst.
Oaf.
You must know, Mrs Broach, Will Gosling thinks he
hath the Crack on his Side for a bawdy Jest. But, for all that, for
your double Entendres, you know Mrs Broach, there are others
may have been as successful as he perhaps.
Gosl.
You know we promis'd to go back to 'em.
Oaf.
'Twas out of Friendship to you, Mr Broach, that we left
'em. We have been talking to Miss Betty upon the Subject
already.
Gosl.
This Puppetshew, Mr Broach, I'm afraid will break you.
Break him.—
Oaf.
Ay, break him, by Jupiter.
Gosl.
You are a Mad-man if you suffer it to be play'd in your House.
Oaf.
Is it pleasant, d'ye think, to have the whole Corporation upon
your Back?
Broach.
Now, to my thinking, the Magistrates seem'd fond of it.
Oaf.
Dear Broach, I beg your Pardon for that. 'Tis the way of
our Magistrates not to be what they seem, and give me leave to say, I
know 'em better than you. Why, dear Broach, you would
not have a Man of Consequence say a Thing and do it, or say the
Thing he thinks.—Tho' we are but a Country Corporation,—you must
allow us to know a little of the Way of the World.—One would have
thought, Broach, you too might have known a little of the Ways
and Manners of Men in Office.
Broach.
But what is there then in this Piece that can make it of such
dreadful Consequence.
Oaf.
Treason, for ought I know.—I don't know what we may not make of
it.
Gosl.
And if it is so, Mr Broach,—'tis not the Puppets you
will find that will be call'd to Account for it.
Oaf.
To be sure you must quit the Town.—I know it to be a heavy,
biting, stupid, malignant, Satyr upon the whole Corporation. I know
too the Fellow was set on by the Town of Assborough. If, after
this, you suffer it, Mr Broach, tho' hitherto I have always
thought well of you, I know what I shall think of the Matter.
Broach.
I know there are idle Reports about Master Peter and his
Shew.—But have you seen it, Mr Oaf? Have you read it, Mr
Gosling?
Oaf.
I cannot say that.
Gosl.
But we know enough of the Thing in general.
Oaf.
There are Things quoted.
Gosl.
Passages, very obnoxious Passages.
Broach.
Why then, Gentlemen, I must acquaint you that I have heard it
repeated; and I could find out none of those dreadful obnoxious
Passages. I heard nothing that possibly could give Offence.
Oaf.
As they are not levell'd at you, you might very easily overlook
them. Believe me, Mr Broach, the Fellow hath impos'd upon you.
Broach.
You must excuse me, Gentlemen, if I take upon me to believe my
own Ears in this Affair.
Gosl.
This will never do, Jack.
Oaf.
But it shall do, before I have done with it. I say it shall not
be play'd, and of that I'll bet you fifty Pounds, and I say done
first.
Gosl.
But you forget that we are engag'd in t'other Room.
Oaf.
If the Magistrates still stick out, we can set their Wives upon
'em at last, and then they must do it.—Broach, your
Servant.—When you have consider'd better of this Affair—
Gosl.
You will have Reason to thank us.
Broach, Mrs Broach, Betty.
Mrs Broach.But after all, Husband, you know our Aldermen are a captious sort of Gentry; if they but surmise any thing against a Man, they never fail of doing him all the real Mischief in their Power. I think, in Prudence, you should not venture to disoblige them.
Broach.
I know that they are the Spies and Buffoons of our Aldermen, and
that there lies their whole Merit and Interest; that they have a
noisy kind of Impertinence too, which Fools giggle and laugh at for
Wit. In short, they are the fulsome Flatterers of Knaves, and
(themselves included) the Admiration of Fools. 'Tis true, they have a
general Acquaintance, for every body, but Men of Sense and Honesty,
like 'em. Know 'em, Girl! Yes, Girl, I know 'em, and would trust 'em
with my Money sooner than my Conversation.
My Husband, I find, does know 'em—
Betty.
To a Hair.
Poor Master Peter little thinks how many formidable Enemies he hath already, who neither know him, or are known by him. But yonder he comes; he and you may have something to say to one another, so we'll leave you.
Broach.
A Bottle of neat — into the Dragon, presently. I hope,
Master Peter, the Room I have lett you is for your Purpose.
Peter.
Never was any thing more convenient, and every thing is ready
against the Evening. Your Town, Landlord, seems to be a pretty polite
kind of a Place.
Broach.
I am no Townsman born, Sir; a few Years ago only, I purchas'd my
Freedom; for 'tis reckon'd a very thriving Place for Public-houses.
As for what is reckon'd genteel, Master Peter, you would think
yourself in a great City. We have our Balls, our Assemblies, and now
and then our Plays too: We drink, we game, we whore, we run in Debt;
and in all Sorts of Extravagancies are perfectly in the Mode. But,
indeed, Sir, I must own, that we do abound in Knaves and Fools; our
leading Men have not Sense enough to be honest; and all I fear, is,
that they will want Parts to relish your Performance.
Broach.
As for that Matter, Sir, I should not question your Success,
provided there were no such things as Informers, Lyes, and Prejudice.
You have Enemies, Sir; particular Enemies I cannot call 'em neither,
but People who wish ill to every Creature but themselves. We have such
too about our topping Men, who are the only People apt to believe
'em, because they are flatter'd by 'em. I dare not explain myself
further. As I am at present a Townsman, you know, 'tis but Prudence
in me to keep my Tongue within my Teeth; I am afraid my good Wishes
for you, Sir, hath made me to say too much already.
Peter.
After the odd unaccountable things that have happen'd to me, I
can wonder at nothing. My Puppet-Shew, to be sure, hath one great
Sign of Merit, in its Time it hath suffer'd violent Persecution. My
little Actors have still the Wounds and Scars upon 'em that they
receiv'd by the Sword of Don Quixote. In my own Country I was
almost demolish'd by a Mad-man; but I cannot be in such Danger now,
for Fools are an innocent kind of People, and not so mischievous.
Broach.
By your way of thinking, Master Peter, 'tis a Sign you
have not liv'd long in our Town. Mischief is the only Spirit Fools
have; they look upon it too as the best and chief Privilege
of Power, which they every now and then take care to let their
Neighbours know, that I can tell you.
Peter.
But may not I know my Enemies? who are they, Mr Broach?
Broach.
Those who are afraid you have Merit; and if ever you make it
appear, you at once make all Fools your Enemies. It hath ever been so
in all Times, and all Countries. But 'tis high time to leave the
Assembly-Room; some Ladies, I see, are coming, and the Bottle, Master
Peter, stays for us. Over that, Conversation always grows more
free and easy.
Mrs Cackle, Lady Ninny, Lady Humdrum, Lady Bustle, Mrs Braywell, Mrs Pother, Mrs Cudden, Mrs Drone, Miss Slugg, Miss Drawle, Miss Noddipole. They enter two or three in a Party as in Conversation.
L. Ninny.Nay, dear Mrs Cackle—
Mrs Cackle.Pardon me, Lady Ninny, I know my Duty.
L. Humdrum.Because that Creature's Spouse was made a Knight before mine, she always takes occasion to go just before me in all public Places; not that I value Precedence a Rush, but one hates to see any body so perk'd up, and so fond of it; that's all.
As for that Matter, Lady Humdrum, to be sure there is no body carries a Title, and does it more Justice than your Ladyship. You have the Presence of a Lady. That, Madam, every body that sees your Ladyship must allow you.
L. Humdrum.You were always, Mrs Cudden, extremely civil. If People of Distinction knew how to behave themselves to one another as well, we should have less ill Blood among us, and there would not be so much Scandal stirring.
Mrs Braywell.To be sure, Madam, Scandal is grown so rise, that if one ever does an imprudent, indiscreet thing, our Neighbours buzz it about, before one can have an Opportunity to find a Friend to communicate it to ones-self. O, dear Lady Bustle, I beg ten thousand Pardons. Let me die, if I saw your Ladyship.
L. Bustle.But, dear Mrs Braywell, now—there is no occasion for all this Fluster. Really it is disagreeable to have a Title, it is so troublesome to one's Friends. Miss Harriet Noddipole! Come hither, Child. Don't you think, Mrs Drone, the Girl is very genteel To-night?
Mrs Drone.As for that Matter, Madam, I know Miss Harriet hath not a Scrap about her, but what is directly from London, and (as we all know) she oftener sets us the Fashion than any Girl in Town.
L. Humdrum.I thought, Child, you had drest your own Heads.
I vow 'tis mighty pretty.
L. Ninny.Charming!
Mrs Braywell.Delightful!
Mrs Cudden.Sure never was any thing half so agreeable. Is not this your own Handy-Work, Miss Harriet?
Harriet.
Excuse me, Madam, I leave Thimbles to Milliners. I hate, what
your good Huswives call Work. For those Creatures indeed who do not
know how to amuse themselves any other way, 'tis well enough. I can't
endure to be able, what they call to do any thing. Now there's Miss
Suky Slugg, yonder she comes with Mrs Pother and
Miss Charlotte Drawle.—Why, now that Girl is very awkward.
Every body may see she dresses her own Heads. Miss Suky, your
Servant.
One may know by Miss Harriet, that the Men are not come yet.
Charlotte.
Nay for that matter, Mrs Pother, I must own myself like
her; for whenever there are Men in the Room I hate to converse with
Women.
To be sure, Miss Charlotte, that is very natural at your Time of Life.
Suky.
But I wonder how any Girls can have that Assurance to own it.
Besides, forward Girls do not always make forward Men.
Beyond all Dispute, Madam, there was never so hard a Case as Lady
Bustle's last Night.—I am afraid it will be too much
Trouble to your Ladyship to tell your Game. She hath told it so
often, Madam.
None of these Apologies, I beg you. You must know then, Madam, I play'd without. I play'd in black—in Spades; ay, 'twas in Spades. I had five Matadores and two Kings. Now you know, Madam, if I had been Eldest Hand the Matter would have been out of Dispute. You was by, Mrs Cackle; pray, Madam, do you remember who Led? Twas—let me see—Sir Nathaniel Ninny. No! it could not be him, for he sate directly over against me. Now I remember it, 'twas Mr Braywell .—Mr Braywell—yes 'twas so, led a Diamond; I took it with my King which to my Sorrow was trumpt. My other King was call'd out of my Hand very unluckily the very next Card; that Sir Nathaniel took from me with his only Trump, for you must know all the rest now lay in a Hand. In short, Madam, they drew all the loose Cards out of my Hand 'till I had only the five Matadores. One sees, Madam, the thing is just possible to happen, and that's all.
Harriet.
Hath your Ladyship made your Party To-night?
We still want one, Child. But if Jack Oaf is not already engag'd, we may depend upon him. He and Will Gosling are always sure Men. But now I think on't, I won't play to Tonight.
Now I chose not to engage myself, for nothing upon Earth should keep me from the Puppet-Shew.
Mrs Cackle.Dear Madam, who ever thought of staying from it. The whole Town will be there To-night for certain.
L. Ninny.There is no body more fond of encouraging public Diversions than I am, I would not miss it for the World. Now, would you believe it, Madam, when I was in London—No— I am downright asham'd to tell you how much it cost me in Opera's—And I have no Ear for Music neither, nor do I understand one Word of Italian. I know it sounds odd to say it; but for all that, Madam, without any Affectation, I do think an Opera charming.
To them, Jack Oaf, Will Gosling. With several Men, who mingle in Conversation with the Ladies, whispering, playing at Cards, &c.
Mrs Cudden.Nay, for that Matter, Madam, I would not have you think I said any thing against against Miss Charlotte Drawle's Understanding. To be sure, that is what all the World must allow her, for there is no Woman alive knows Quadrille more thoroughly; and she almost always wins at it too.
Mrs Pother.Why, you don't think the Girl cheats.
Mrs Cudden.I don't say that.
Oaf.
And is your Ladyship really in earnest?
I tell you, Mr Oaf, I will not be of any Party at Cards To-night. For nothing shall keep me from the Shew.
Oaf.
Perhaps your Ladyship may like to see your Friends and Relations
turn'd into Ridicule.
Gosl.
Nay, for aught I know, Ladies, you may hear something of
yourselves too. Now, Madam, you know, let the Thing be how it will,
all Women have done something or other that they don't care the whole
Town should know.
To be sure 'tis disagreeable to be put in a Fluster.
Harriet.
But, dear Jack Oaf, now,—what signifies a Joke or two
upon the Aldermen, supposing the Puppets are so impertinent? Don't we,
who are their Wives and Daughters, love now and then to laugh at them
among ourselves.
I beg you, Miss Noddiple—don't be indiscreet, and quote any thing I may accidentally have said.
Mrs Pother.Nay, Miss Harriet Noddiple had better hold her Tongue upon this Subject, for to be sure no body hath talk'd freer of her Father and Uncles than she hath done.
L. Bustle.But, dear Mr Oaf, I am sure Sir Headstrong Bustle,
for that matter, is not afraid of
any thing a Puppet can say of him. It would be downright
ridiculous in us to keep from the Shew. Don't your Ladyship think so?
I am sure I have heard enough already of what Mankind says of my Spouse, to be concern'd at any thing the most audacious Puppet can say.
Mrs Cackle.Jack Oaf and Will Gosling, to divert themselves, had a mind to put us all in a Fuss; but it won't do.
Oaf.
If Alderman Braywell and Sir Headstrong Bustle
had not been called away from Dinner, I am positive, Will, we
should have carried our Point among the Corporation.
Gosl.
Pox take 'em—the Women, you see, Jack, will not bite.
Oaf.
Let us look out for Sir Headstrong and Alderman Braywell
. They are so fair a Hit upon so many Accounts, that you know they are
captious upon all Occasions. We must trump up some new Story—
Gosl.
And I'll vouch it. To be sure, Jack, you have a most
prevailing Turn that way. Let us about it this Moment.
Oaf.
There will be no Cards To-night, I see. —So we'll just make a
short Visit, and be with you again, Ladies, before before the Shew.
To them, enter Alderman Cackle, Sir Nathaniel Ninny, Sir Humphry Humdrum, Mr Cudden, Mr Drone, Mr Slugg, Mr Drawle, Mr Pother, Mr Noddipole.
Cudden.
Now is not this a fine Sight, Alderman Cackle?
Cackle.
What, to see our Wives squandering and gaming, and running us in
Debt! Neighbour Cudden!
Drone.
'Tis a Sight that I have been so long us'd to, that, for my part,
I cannot see where the Fineness of it lies.
Pother.
Sir Nathaniel here is a sort of a Gamester himself, and
goes halves with his Wife in ruining his Family.
Slugg.
They are gone (horridly out of Humour) to make a short
Visit.—They said they would be back time enough for the Shew.
Noddipole.
The Ladies are all a-gog for it.
Jack Oaf is in the wrong. Indeed he is. I thought Will Gosling too had a better Understanding. A Puppet-Shew is an innocent Thing.—Mr Drone, if I remember, you declar'd your Opinion very frankly upon this Point in t'other Room.
Drone.
To be sure, Sir Humphry, I am for it in the main. But for
all that, after what Jack Oaf and Will Gosling have said,
we must conclude that this Master Peter is a very suspicious
Person.
Noddipole.
After we have seen the Shew, Mr Drone, 'tis Time enough to
declare our Opinion.
That, indeed, Mr Noddipole, may be Time enough for us who are no Critics; but there is Oaf and Gosling now are so well acquainted with the Manner and Stile of our Writers, that they no sooner hear an Author's Name, but they decide upon the Performance.
Noddipole.
To be sure. For they can scarce be called Critics, who must hear
or read a Thing before they will venture to declare their Opinion.
Any body can do that.
Would Sir Headstrong and Mr Braywell had finish'd their Affairs! The Moment they come back, we'll adjourn to the Shew.
Sir N. Ninny.In the mean Time, Sir Humphry, suppose we join in the Dance. The Fiddles have struck up, and the Company, you see, are preparing to begin.
[A DANCE.]
Enter Sir Headstrong Bustle and Mr Braywell.
Sir H. Humdrum.I am sorry, Sir Headstrong, you were not here a little sooner.
Sir N. Ninny.Nay, for that Matter, we could have provided you too, Mr Alderman Braywell, with a Partner.
Enter Pickle. Giving about Bills. Trumpet and Drum without.
Pickle.
Just going to begin, Ladies. We are this Moment going to begin,
Gentlemen. Figures almost as large as the Life! They move, walk, and
speak as naturally and as well as any of us, Gentlemen. Walk in,
Ladies; walk in, Gentlemen, and take your Places.
And what is your Shew, I pray you, Sir? What is the Name of it?
Pickle.
It hath been the Wonder and Delight of all Europe, Ladies!
'Tis the celebrated Dramatic Entertainment, called Melisendra
.—Make room there—Make way for the Ladies—Pray don't stop up
the Way—Take Money there—I beg you, Gentlemen, make way for the
Ladies.
Oaf.
We have nothing for it but to send a Letter. I can disguise my
Hand. Pen, Ink and Paper here.
[Oaf writing, and repeating as he writes.]
Oaf.
At any rate, Sir, put a Stop to the Playing the Puppet-Shew.
Alderman Braywell is personally and most maliciously abus'd;
Sir Headstrong
Bustle is most inhumanly ridicul'd; nay, the whole
Corporation are no better treated. You will be made the common Jest of
Goatham, and if you do not put a Stop to it, the Town of
Assborough (for 'twas they set it a-foot) will have their Ends.
This, as a Friend, I thought fit to let you know.
Gosl.
This will do, Jack, I'm sure this must work.
The whole Corporation and their Wives, &c. To them enter Jack Oaf, Will Gosling, who place themselves among the Audience.
Sir N. Ninny.Come, the Prologue—the Prologue.
Never was any thing so audacious. —A Word more, Sirrah, shall lay you by the Heels. Hand it about among the Corporation, Sir Humphry .
Audience.
The Prologue, the Prologue.
I charge you, Fellow—not a Word more.
Oaf.
What's the Matter, Sir Nathaniel.
Look you there—
Oaf.
I was not to be believ'd.
To what End hath a Man Riches and Power, if he cannot crush the Wretches who have the Insolence to expose the Ways by which he got them! This is not to be borne!
To them Master Peter.
Peter.
I beg you, Gentlemen, let me know my Offence.
Braywell.
We know it, and that is sufficient for us to proceed upon. We are
not brought so low to suffer every paultry Fellow to vindicate
himself that we think fit to accuse.
Such Liberties are not to be taken. Call us to account for our Actions! Expose us to the Public!
I won't be talk'd of at all. Who shall dare to talk of their Betters?
Cudden.
You and your Puppets shall be taught better Manners, you
impertinent Fellow, you.
Peter.
See it, hear it, Gentlemen; you will then find I have been
injur'd, and that you have been impos'd upon.
Braywell.
Impos'd upon! how impudently the Fellow talks before us!
This is calling us downright Fools to our Faces! Were you ever impos'd upon, Sir Humphry?
Peter.
But I hope, Sirs, you will not disappoint the Audience: Consider,
Gentlemen, it will be a great Loss to me.
Cackle.
And so much the better.
Such audacious Wretches should starve, who, because they are poor, are so insolently honest in every thing they say, that a rich Man cannot enjoy his Property in quiet for 'em.
Braywell.
You shall not only dismiss the Audience, Fellow, but return the
Money.
Pother.
We must keep these Wretches down. 'Tis right to keep Mankind in
Dependance.
'Tis the Rascals who live by their Industry, who are so impertinent to us. We should suffer no body in Town to get Money but by our Licence, and then we should never be treated with Disrespect. So I tell you once again, it shall not be play'd.
L. Humdrum.Sir Headstrong is horridly provoking now to hinder us of our Diversion, don't you think so, Lady Ninny?
L. Ninny.Nay, I can't say but I should have lik'd to have heard it—yet, after all, who knows what an impertinent Fellow might have said of any of us? Not that I am afraid of any thing the Fellow can say of me.
Harriet.
But out of Curiosity one would hear a little Sample of it.
After all, Sir Headstrong, I cannot think the Fellow's Request so very unreasonable, to be heard first, and judg'd afterwards.
Drawle.
There is, without Doubt, a little too much Compliance in granting
it. Yet there have been Men in Authority who have allowed it. My
Memory, alack-a-day, is weak, and I cannot remember Precedents.
I have said it, Mr Drawle, and I never retract, The Thing shall not be play'd.
To be sure, Sir Headstrong, it can never be expected that one of your good Sense and Resolution should ever retract, or be convinc'd you have been in the Wrong—We only ask, that the Fellow may be allow'd to give some short Account of his Shew, or a Rehearsal of some of the Parts of it; there can be no Harm in that sure.
Cackle.
Why, we know very well what is in it, Sir Nathaniel.
And when a Man is determin'd what to do, what signifies hearing what a Man hath to say for himself?
L. Bustle.Do, dear Sir Headstrong, let us hear something of it.
Sir Headstrong.It looks so like Condescension—
L. Bustle.Not at all, Sir Headstrong; for, right or wrong, you may still abide by your Point.
Sir Headstrong.The Ladies have a Curiosity to hear some of your Impertinence—You can soon satisfy them.
Peter.
All I ask, is to show and prove myself inoffensive. What I
propos'd to represent, Ladies, was the celebrated Dramatic
Entertainment, called Melisendra; so often play'd in most of
the capital Cities of Europe.
Who is Melisendra? Who can he mean by Melisendra?
That may be—but for all that if my Name began with an M, as indeed it doth end with it; I should have a shrewd Suspicion it might mean somebody else.
Sir N. Ninny.Nay, he is very near me; for an N is the very next Letter that follows it. My Name is Ninny, you know.
L. Ninny.Dear Sir Nathaniel, don't interrupt the Fellow.
Peter.
There stands my Interpreter.—Begin, repeat, Pickle. We
are not permitted to draw the Curtain; suppose it drawn, and now say
away.
Pickle.
Pray, Gentlemen, have a little Patience; it will be impossible
else to go on. The first Figure, Gallants, we present you is Don
Gayferos, who is so unmindful of the beautiful Captive
Melisendra, that you see him playing at Tables. Charlemaigne
, the suppos'd Father of Melisendra, peeps out, chides, and
beats him for his Neglect of her. The Emperor, you see, is in a
Huff—
Now, mind, Ladies and Gentlemen, how he rates his suppos'd
Son-in-law Don Gayferos. Pray, Silence, Gentlemen.
Here's a Rascal now. Hold, you Dog. He might as well have call'd me by my Name. If I did get drunk, and lose my Money at Play, and I have not what you call reclaim'd my Wife, he means, redeem'd some of her Trinkets at the Pawnbrokers.—'Tis plain who you mean by your Don Gayferos. Are Family Secrets to be divulg'd, Rascal?
L. Ninny.How can you be so ridiculous, Sir Nathaniel? I beg you don't talk of me.
Sir N. Ninny.I was afraid he was going to say somewhat about—
L. Ninny.Hold your Tongue, I tell you.
Sir N. Ninny.Did you ever tell any body of this Secret before, my dear?
L. Ninny.No, 'tis you yourself have told every body of it now; you—
Sir N. Ninny.What?
L. Ninny.I was going to say, Fool. But you know, my dear, I have a great command of myself before Company. But, dear Sir Nathaniel, now don't interpret him—Let the Fellow go on.
To which his Servant says,
No, replies Don Gayferos.
Never was such audacious Impertinence! My Wife and I have our private Wars and Battles as other married Folks have, but what's that to any body else? My Lady and I brought in in a Puppet-Shew! this is intolerable. To be sure we shall hear something of you and Mrs Pother by and by—for I don't believe you have got the better of her yet.
Oaf.
This indeed was too plain, Sir Humphry, downright
scandalous! the Fellow should not be suffer'd.
Let us have no more of this Speech. You are very insolent, Fellow.
Gosling.
Pride, Avarice, Rapine, Vice! Are these Words fit to be mention'd
before the Magistrates of our Town? Every Child can tell who he
means.
He hath said his worst of me. I am above Calumny—so go on with your Impudence.
Pickle.
His Cousin Roldan now lends Don Gayferos his Sword
Durindana.
His Cousin Roldan! Roldan then ('tis a clear Point) must mean you, Mr Cudden, for you are my Cousin, you know, and to be sure there is some very malignant Reflection in this unintelligible Passage that he is afraid to explain, and we shall never find out.
Drawle.
'Tis manifest, Sir Nathaniel, that it is a most bitter
Inuendo—but indeed I cannot say at what or at whom it is
levell'd.
Peter.
Pray, Gentlemen, have Patience.—Hear it out, and you will find
you mistake the thing entirely.
Pickle.
Now the Scene changes to the Tower of Saragosa. Melisendra
appears at the Window in a Moorish Habit, expecting her Spouse
from Paris.
Paris. That now is at me.
Braywell.
No. 'Tis at me.
I won't have Paris mention'd.
Oaf.
Excuse me, Mr Alderman Braywell, notwithstanding what you
say of your Kinsman, the Thing is manifestly levell'd at Sir
Headstrong. And there was not so much Folly in the Affair
neither; for all the Town agrees that neither Mr Pother nor
Sir Headstrong are a Doit the poorer for all that bubbling
Affair.
Pother.
And why should we, I pray? for, you know, when one is to do the
Corporation Service, one may very freely make use of the Corporation's
Money.
Oaf.
Take my Advice; forbid the Play at once, and hear no more of it.
Peter.
Let him go on, I beg you—indeed, Gentlemen, you will find me
inoffensive.
Pickle.
A Moor steals softly behind Melisendra, and kisses
her. Then in an open Gallery appears the grave Moorish Monarch
Marsilius, King of Sansuena. Upon seeing his Kinsman and
Favourite so saucy, he sentences him arbitrarily and immediately to
be whipt through the public Streets, without Form or Process, or the
Shadow of legal Proceeding.
Legal Proceeding! I knew he would have t'other Slap at me. I don't see why I should be twitted in the Teeth upon this Score, for I am sure I am for legal Proceeding upon all Occasions, but when the Corporation's or my own Affairs require that it should be dispens'd withal. You were out, you see, Mr Oaf, the Moor Marsilius is meant at me. Beyond all Dispute, I am the Moor.
Oaf.
No doubt on't, tho' you are only a private Man, you are so
considerable a Member of the Corporation, that the Rascal would make
you as black as ever he could. As you say, Sir, the Moor Marsilius
must be you.
Gosl.
And to be sure every body knows who he means by his Kinsman and
Favourite who is so saucy.
Oaf.
Mr Pother is not so blind but he can see where it is
meant.
Gosl.
Nay, for that matter, Jack Oaf, by the Description, we
cannot say which of his Kinsmen or Favourites he means.—You cannot
positively say that he does mean Mr Pother.
Peter.
The guilty Person can frequently make Applications that no body
can make but himself. Upon my Word, Gentlemen, I am perfectly
astonish'd at your Observations. I hate private Slander. As for
general Satire; the Satirist is not to be accus'd of Calumny; he that
takes it to himself is the Proclaimer and Publisher of his own Folly
and Guilt. I protest, Gentlemen, you have told me several Things
that I did not know before. —Proceed, Pickle, proceed.
Pickle.
By this Time, you must know, Don Gayferos is arriv'd at
Saragosa; and there meeting accidentally with some of his own
Countrymen and Neighbours—
Drawle.
Hold, hold, Sir. My Ears very much deceiv'd me, or he mention'd
Neighbours.
Drone.
You were not mistaken, Mr Drawle, I heard it but too
plain.
Cackle.
Ay. There he is at us all. For you know all of us are Neighbours
to some body or other.
Drawle.
You are out, Mr Alderman Cackle. For he must mean, and can
only mean, my worthy Neighbour Sir Nathaniel Ninny and myself;
for we really are Neighbours, call one another Neighbours, and live
next Door to one another.
Cackle.
No such Matter, Mr Drawle. The Case is plain, he's at all
of us.
We'll have no more of this Impertinence.
Sir Headstrong.We'll hear no more on't, Neighbours —nothing can be more unguarded!
Braywell.
Return the Money, Rascal, and dismiss the Audience.
You are too hasty, Husband. Because you yourself know what you are,
you think
every body else knows it too.—Now that does not always follow.
Audience.
The Shew, the Shew.—Play away.
Mr Noddipole, I charge you, keep the Peace.
Broach.
Till now I never believ'd half that was said against them.
Indeed, Husband, I thought 'em only Fools.
Audience.
The Aldermen—Smoak the Aldermem —Huzza!
Pickle.
'Tis very hard, 'tis very unlucky. But you have had the
Satisfaction, Sir, to see the Fools expose themselves.
Peter.
There is nothing to be done here; they have the Power, and we
must submit—So to-morrow we'll leave the Town. This Adventure of
ours hath indeed answer'd the main End of a good Play. For