Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories

Cal Stewart

This page copyright © 2001 Blackmask Online.

http://www.blackmask.com

  • Preface
  • Life Sketch of Author
  • My Old Yaller Almanac
  • Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York
  • Uncle Josh in Society
  • Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry
  • Uncle Josh in a Museum
  • Uncle Josh in Wall Street
  • Uncle Josh and the Fire Department
  • Uncle Josh in an Auction Room
  • Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus
  • Uncle Josh in a Department Store
  • Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York
  • Uncle Josh on a Street Car
  • My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots
  • Uncle Josh in Police Court
  • Uncle Josh at Coney Island
  • Uncle Josh at the Opera
  • Uncle Josh at Delmonico's
  • It is Fall
  • Si Pettingill's Brooms
  • Uncle Josh Plays Golf
  • Jim Lawson's Hogs
  • Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent
  • A Meeting of the Annanias Club
  • Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade
  • A Meeting of the School Directors
  • The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre
  • Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting
  • The Unveiling of the Organ
  • Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball
  • The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad
  • Uncle Josh on a Bicycle
  • A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church
  • Reminiscence of My Railroad Days
  • Uncle Josh at a Circus
  • Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him
  • Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death
  • Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston
  • Who Marched in Sixty-One

  • Scanned by Charles Keller

    Preface


    To the Reader.

    The one particular object in writing this
    book is to furnish you with an occasional
    laugh, and the writer with an occasional
    dollar. If you get the laugh you have your
    equivalent, and the writer has his.

    In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a
    purely imaginary character, yet one true to
    life. A character chuck full of sunshine and
    rural simplicity. Take him as you find him,
    and in his experiences you will observe there
    is a bright side to everything.

    Sincerely Yours
    Cal Stewart


    Life Sketch of Author



    THE author was born in Virginia, on a little
    patch of land, so poor we had to fertilize it
    to make brick. Our family, while having cast
    their fortunes with the South, was not a family
    ruined by the war; we did not have
    anything when the war commenced, and
    so we held our own. I secured a common
    school education, and at the age of
    twelve I left home, or rather home left me
    --things just petered out. I was slush cook
    on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a
    stave and heading camp in the knobs of
    Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped
    lay the track of the M. K. T. R. R., and
    was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made
    my first appearance on the stage at the National
    Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have
    since then chopped cord wood, worked in a
    coal mine, made cross ties (and walked
    them), worked on a farm, taught a district
    school (made love to the big girls), run a
    threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine
    and ran the engine. Have been a
    freight and passenger brakeman, fired and
    ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor
    and check clerk in a freight house;
    worked on the section; have been a shot gun
    messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company.
    Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce
    comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions;
    have been with good shows, bad
    shows, medicine shows, and worse, and
    some shows where we had landlords singing
    in the chorus. Have played variety houses
    and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box
    car one night, and a swell hotel the next;
    have been a traveling salesman (could spin
    as many yarns as any of them). For the past
    four years have made the Uncle Josh stories
    for the talking machine. The Lord only
    knows what next!



    My Old Yaller Almanac


    Hangin' on the
    Kitchen Wall

    I'M sort of fond of readin' one
    thing and another,

    So I've read promiscus like
    whatever cum my way,

    And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween
    me and mother,

    'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round
    a rainy day.

     Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt
    no end of books,

     Some made fer useful readin' and some jist
    made fer looks;

     But of all the different books I've read,
    thar's none comes up at all

     To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
    the Kitchen Wall.

     I've always liked amusement, of the good
    and wholesome kind,

     It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the
    mind;

     So, often of an evening, when the farm
    chores all were done,

     I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh
    how I liked the fun;

     And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they
    showed at our Town Hall,

     A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all.

     Wall I went down to see 'em, but their
    jokes, I knowed 'em all,

     Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac,
    Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.


     Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and
    a lot of us old codgers,

     Used to meet down at the grocery store,
    what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.

     There we'd set and argufy most every market
    day,

     Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass
    the time away;

     And many a knotty problem has put us on
    our mettle,

     Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve
    and settle;

     Then after they had said their say, who
    thought they knowed it all,

     I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got

     From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
    the Kitchen Wall.


     It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old
    fashioned yeller book,

     And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've
    took;

     Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through
    its pages,

     Seein' of the different things that's happened
    in all ages.

     One time I wuz elected a Justice of the
    Peace,

     To make out legal documents, a mortgage
    or a lease,

     Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I
    knowed them all,

     Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac,
    Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.


    So now I've bin to New York, and all your
    sights I've seen,

     I s'pose that to you city folks I must look
    most awful green,

     Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I
    walked round the town,

     Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't
    Mr. Hiram Brown.


     I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung
    onto the straps,

     When we flew around the corners, sat on
    other peoples' laps,

     Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all,

     Read about your city in My Old Yaller
    Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.



    Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York



    WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up
    that I'd cum down to New York, and so a
    short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered
    in and produce sold I calculated as how
    it would be a good time to come down
    here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed
    or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin
    here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled
    'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore
    they buncoed me. I spose as how there are
    a good many of them thar bunco fellers
    around New York, but I tell you them thar
    street keer conductors take mighty good
    care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of
    them keers, had my pockit book right in my
    hand, I alowed no feller would pick my
    pockits and git it long as I had it in my
    hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when
    the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller
    he jest kept his eye on me, and every
    little bit he'd put his head in the door and
    say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from
    what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along
    in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here,
    and along in the night some time I felt a feller
    rummagin' around under my bed, and I
    looked out jest in time to see him goin' away
    with my boots, wall I knowed the way that
    train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with
    them without breakin' his durned neck, but
    in about half an hour he brot them back,
    guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort
    of glad he took em cause he hed em all
    shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall
    when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles
    commenced. I wuz so crouded up like,
    durned if I could git my clothes on, and when
    I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on
    hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled
    up in that little fish net along side of the
    bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a
    bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill
    a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right
    boot on my left foot and the left one on the
    right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed
    up I didn't know which way the train wuz a
    runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof
    of the bed over me, and then sot down right
    suddin like to think it over when some feller
    cum along and stepped right squar on my
    bunion and I let out a war whoop you could
    a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along
    cum that durned porter and told me I wuz
    a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I
    started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause
    I sot a right smart store by that button, thar
    warns another one like it in Punkin Centre,
    and I thought it would be kind of doubtful
    if they'd have any like it in New York, wall
    I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to
    git it out with my jack knife, when along
    came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed
    in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted,
    and I told him I didn't want anything perticler,
    then he told me to quit ringin' the
    bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see
    no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on
    and went into a room whar they had a row
    of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could
    pump water in the durned thing it run out
    of a little hole in the bottom of the trough
    so I jest had to grab a handful and then
    pump some more. Wall after that things
    went along purty well fer a right smart while,
    then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and
    felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin'
    slower and slower 'till it stopped at every
    house and when it cum to a double house it
    stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat
    and I put my head out of the window to look
    at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and
    I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor
    made me buy another one. I hed to
    buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled
    him, he don't know a durned thing about it
    and when he finds it out he's goin to be the
    maddest conductor on that railroad, I got a
    round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on
    his durned old road. When I got off the
    ferry boat down here I commenced to think
    I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what
    ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers
    down thar with buggies and kerridges
    and one thing and another, and jest the minnit
    they seen me they all commenced to holler--
    handsome--handsome. I didn't know
    I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller
    tried to git my carpet bag and another tried
    to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to
    stand back or durned if I wouldn't take a
    wrestle out of one or two of them, then I
    asked one of 'em if he could haul me up to
    the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never
    heered a feller stutter like that feller did in
    all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said
    wall how much air you a goin' to charge me,
    and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I
    sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't
    stop to talk about it any more cause I'd
    kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out
    and when we stopped we wuz away up at the
    other end of the town whar thar warn't many
    houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the
    Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s-
    n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out
    at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed,
    b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't
    s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough.
    Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but
    I got here at last.



    Uncle Josh in Society



    WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here
    to New York that I wuz a goin to flop right
    into the middle of high toned society, but
    I guess that's jist about what I done. You
    see I had an old friend a livin' down here
    named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to
    see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we
    wuz boys together down home at Punkin
    Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time.
    Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in
    the city almanac, and he showed me whar
    Henry lived, away up on a street called
    avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's
    house it jist about took my breath away, I
    wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a
    good deal bigger'n the court house at
    Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know
    whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered
    up my courage, and I went up and
    rang some new fangled door bell, when a
    feller with knee britches on cum out and
    wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see.
    Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a
    minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a
    picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally
    I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins,
    if it wuz the same Henry I used to know
    down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess
    Henry he must a heered me talkin', cause
    he jist cum out and grabbed me by both
    hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how
    do you do, cum right in." Wall he took
    me into the house and introduced me to
    more wimmin folks than I ever seen before
    in all my life at one time. I guess they were
    havin' some kind of society doins at Henry's
    house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear
    Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet
    you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak about
    you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to
    blushin' so it cum pretty near settin' my hair
    on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad
    to know you, you kind-er put me in mind of
    old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy,
    she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons
    that I kin remember on. Wall Henry
    took me off into a room by myself, and when
    I got on my store clothes and my new calf
    skin boots, I tell you I looked about as
    scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had
    a dance, I think they called it a cowtillion,
    and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I
    jist hopped out on the floor, balanced to
    partners, swung on the corners, and cut up
    more capers than any young feller thar, it
    jist looked as if all the ladies wanted to dance
    with me. One lady wanted to know if I
    danced the german, but I told her I only
    danced in English.

    Wall after that we had something to eat
    in the dinin' room, and I hadn't any more'n
    got sot down and got to eatin right good,
    when that durn fool with the knee britches
    on insulted me, he handed me a little wash
    bowl with a towel round it, and I told him
    he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause
    I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it
    hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a
    wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of
    furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef
    all over mud, and another what they called
    a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made
    out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall
    that was mighty good eatin', though it took a
    lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then
    they handed me somethin' what they called
    ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of
    casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and
    tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got
    inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I
    wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I
    guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.


    Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry



    I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with
    the dogondest lookin' critter I calculate I
    ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin
    around purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts
    of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses
    and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust
    time I'd ever seen a critter with his head
    and tail on the same end. You see I
    sed to a feller, now whar abouts in New
    York do you folks git your washin' done;
    when I left hum to come down here I lowed
    I had enuff with me to do me, but I've
    stayed here a little longer than I calculated
    to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty
    soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river.

    Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and
    he told me thar wuz a place round the corner
    whar a feller done all the washin', so I
    went round, and there was a sine on the
    winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon,
    or jump up and hop, or some other kind of
    a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of
    figers on the winder that I couldn't make
    head nor tail on; it jist looked to me like a
    chicken with mud on its feet had walked
    over that winder.

    Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my
    washin' done, and gosh all spruce gum, thar
    was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze,
    he jist looked fer all the world like a picter
    on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz
    sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to
    myself--I don't spose this durned critter can
    talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here,
    I might as well find out. So I told him I'd
    like to git him to do some washin' fer me,
    and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish
    lingo, sounded to me like cider runnin'
    out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong
    oowong fang kai moi oo ung we, velly good
    washee. Wall I understood the last of it
    and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv
    him my clothes and he giv me a little yeller
    ticket that he painted with a brush what he
    had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the
    holler in a log, that no livin' mortal man could
    read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell
    into the ink bottle and then crawled over the
    paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman
    what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and
    I sed to him--mister, what in thunder is this
    here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort
    of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your
    clothes thar to have them washed you git
    one of them tickets, and then you have a
    chance to draw a prize of some kind." So
    I sed--wall now I want to know, how much
    is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I
    spose bout ten cents," and I told him if he
    wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav
    it, I didn't want to get tangled up in any
    lotery gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced
    scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took
    the ticket, and in a couple of days I went
    round to git my washin', and that pig tailed
    heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd
    lost that lotery ticket. So I sed--now look
    here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round
    and git me my collars and ciffs and other
    clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I
    don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by
    chowder. Wall that critter he commenced
    hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz
    saw could turn, and all I could make out
    wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung
    yong wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as
    plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle
    me outen my clothes, so I made a grab
    fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a
    rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top,
    and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and
    you couldn't hav told which one of us the
    pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove
    and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr.
    Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got
    out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one
    hand and about five yards of that pig tail in
    tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin'
    thar yellin'--ung wa moo ye song ki le yung
    noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee.
    I had quite a time with that heathen critter.



    Uncle Josh in a Museum



    WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin'
    along down the street when I cum to a theater
    or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got
    to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar
    it sed it only cost ten cents to go in, and
    I alowed I might as well go in and see
    it. Wall I don't spose I'd bin in thar
    over five minutes afore I made myself
    the laffin' stock of every one in thar. I
    noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots
    blacked, and thar was a durned little pick
    pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't
    want to see him git robbed, so I went right
    up to him and I sed--look out mister, you
    air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that
    durned cuss never sed a word and every
    body commenced to laff, and I looked round
    to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't
    no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax
    figger. I never felt so durned foolish since
    the day I popped the question to Samantha.
    Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and
    thar wuz a feller what they called the human
    pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of
    needles and pins and looked like a hedge
    hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a
    quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and
    sed, "everybody over to this end of the
    hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of
    them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a
    feller what had more picters painted on him
    than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist
    got to lookin' at him when that feller what
    had charge sed, "right this way everybody,"
    and we all went into whar they wuz havin'
    the theater doins', and I got sot down and a
    feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't
    heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I
    kin remember it wuz this way--

     Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year,
         And I cum within one of not bein' here,
     The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember,
         It happened some time 'bout last December.
              Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
                   ri too ra loo la ri do.

     The load was composed of both girls and boys,
         All tryin' to outdo the other in noise.
     And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather
         Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together.
              Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
                   ri too ra loo ri li do.


    Wall, they had a parrit in that place and
    the way he sputtered and jabbered and
    talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself.
    Wall, I bought one of them birds from
    a feller one time--he said it wuz a good
    talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it
    about three months, and it never sed a
    durned word. I put in most of my spare
    time tryin' to git it to say "Uncle Josh," but
    the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got
    mad at him one day and throwed him out in
    the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left
    him thar. Wall, when I went out the next
    mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half
    of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of
    'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned
    parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the
    barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin',
    and every time he'd hit him he'd say, "Now
    you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say
    Uncle Josh."



    Uncle Josh in Wall Street



    I USED to read in our town paper down home
    at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street
    and them bulls and bears, and one thing and
    another, so I jist sed to myself--now
    Joshua, when you git down to New York
    City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall,
    when I got to New York, I got a feller to
    show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned
    if I know why they call it Wall street;
    it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked
    up and down it bout an hour and a half,
    and I couldn't find any stock exchange
    or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I
    couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep
    nor a calf, or anything else that looked like
    stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--
    Mister, whar do they keep the menagery
    down here. He sed "what menagery?"
    I sed the place whar they've got all
    them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked
    at me as though he thought I wuz crazy,
    and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum
    along with me, guess I can show you what
    you want to see." Wall I went along with
    him, and he took me up to some public institushun,
    near as I could make out it wuz a
    loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a
    room about two akers and a half squar, and
    thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest
    men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The
    minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz
    all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got
    out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin'
    on the top of a table with a lot of papers in
    his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche
    injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to
    git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em--
    Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that
    feller up thar on the table? And he sed,
    "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of
    wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from
    him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I
    knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos
    nobody but a crazy man would ever think
    he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his
    coat and pants pockits. Wall when they
    wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt
    mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a
    feller standin' on the front steps; he had a
    sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent
    of the institushun; he talked purty
    sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does
    the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust
    one went about twenty-five years ago." I
    sed to him--is that my car over thar? He
    sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car
    company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow.
    He says "you'd better not, thar's bin
    a good many cars missed around here
    lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is
    thar anything round here any fresher than
    you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench
    you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they
    painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I
    got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right.



    Uncle Josh and the Fire Department



    ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter
    home. Wall after I'd got it all writ, I sed to
    the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts
    in New York do you keep the post offis? And
    he sed, "what do you want with the post
    offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter
    home to mother and Samantha Ann, and
    I'd like to go to the post offis and mail
    it. And he told me "you don't have to
    go to the post offis, do you see that little
    box on the post thar on the corner?" I
    alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You
    jist go out thar and put your letter in that
    box, and it will go right to the post offis."
    I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy.
    Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal
    of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when
    I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put
    my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks
    and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed--
    "pull on the hook twice and turn the knob,"
    or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly
    make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook
    'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I
    couldn't git the durned thing open, then I
    turned on the knob two or three times, and
    that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the
    hook and turned on the knob at the same
    time, and jist then I think all the fire bells
    in New York commenced to ringin' all to
    onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the
    fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook
    and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to
    whar I stood, and they had a big sody water
    bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted
    sody water all over me. Wall one of them
    fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in
    picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers,
    he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he
    sed "what are you tryin' to do with that
    box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter
    home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed
    "why you durned old green horn, you've
    called out the hull fire department of New
    York City." Wall I guess you could have
    knocked me down with a feather. I sed--
    wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of
    fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will
    it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over
    on thother corner, now you let this box
    alone." Wall they all drove away, and I
    went over to the other box, but I didn't
    know whether to touch it or not, I didn't
    know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater
    if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a
    standin' thar a feller cum along and looked
    all round, and when he thot thar wan't any
    body watchin' him, he opened that box and
    commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd
    heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis
    robbers, when I wuz post master down home
    at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right
    thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and
    flopped him right down on the side walk,
    and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES!
    and every other thing I could think of, and
    a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a
    runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are
    you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him
    I'd caught him right in the act of robbin'
    the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I
    arrested him. Wall they all commenced a
    laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of
    the post masters of New York City.

    I lost mother's letter and she never did git it.



    Uncle Josh in an Auction Room



    I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at
    one time and another, so the last day I wuz
    thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin'
    ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go
    out and buy somethin' to remember New York by.

    Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the
    street when I cum to a place whar they wuz
    auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped
    to see what they had to sell. Wall that place
    wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys.
    I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz
    five hundred years old, and it belonged at
    one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth,
    or some of them old rascals; durned
    if I believe anybody could read it.

    Wall I commenced a biddin' on different
    things, but it jist looked as though everybody
    had more money than I did, and they
    sort of out-bid me; but finally they put up
    an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I
    wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought
    as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall
    I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz
    knocked down to me fer three dollars and
    fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to
    git my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh
    it was gone. So I went up to the feller what
    wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look
    here mister, will you jist wait a minnit with
    your "goin' at thirty make it thirty-five,
    once, twice, three times a goin'", and he
    sed "wall now what's the matter with you?"
    And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh;
    when I cum in here I had a pockit book in
    my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost
    it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say
    to the feller what found it that I'll give five
    dollars fer it; another feller sed "make it
    ten," another sed "give you twenty," and
    another sed "go you twenty-five."

    Durned if I know which one of 'em got
    it; when I left they wuz still a biddin' on it.

    ----
    Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't
    use, so he gives it to you.
                                   --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus



    I WUZ always sort of fond of ridin', so I
    guess while I wuz down in New York I rode on
    about everything they've got to ride on thar.
    I wuz on hoss cars and hot air cars, and
    them sky light elevated roads. Wall, I
    had jist about cum to the conclushun that
    every street in New York had a different
    kind of a street car on it, but I found one
    that didn't have care of any kind, I think
    they call it Avenoo Five. Wall, I wuz a
    standin' thar one day a watchin' the people
    and things go by, when all to onct along cum
    the durndest lookin' contraption I calculate
    I ever seen in my life. It wuz a sort of a
    wagon, kind of a cross between a band wagon
    and a hay rack, and it had a pair of stairs
    what commenced at the hind end and rambled
    around all over the wagon. I sed to a
    gentleman standin' thar: "Mr. in the name
    of all that's good and bad, what do you call
    that thing?" He sed: "Wall, sir, that's a
    Fifth Avenoo 'bus." I sed: "Wall, now,
    I want to know, kin I ride on it?" And he
    sed: "You kin if you've got a nickel."
    Wall, I got in and sot down, and I jist about
    busted my buttins a laffin' at things what
    happened in that 'bus. Thar wuz a young
    lady cum in and sot down, and she had a
    little valise in her hand, 'bout a foot squar.
    Wall, she opened the valise and took out a
    purse and shet the valise, then she opened
    the purse and took out a dime, and shet the
    purse, opened the valise and put in the
    purse, and shet the valise, then she handed
    the dime to a feller sottin' out on the front
    of the 'bus, and he give her a nickel back.
    Then she opened the valise and took out the
    purse, shet the valise and opened the purse
    and put in the nickel and shet the purse,
    opened the valise and put in the purse and
    shet the valise, then sed, "Stop the bus,
    please." Wall, I had to snicker right out,
    though I done my best not to, but I jist
    couldn't help it. I didn't have any small
    change so I handed the feller a five-dollar
    bill. Wall, that feller jist sot and looked at
    it fer a spell, then he sed "whoa!" stopped
    the hosses, cum round to the hind end of
    the 'bus and he sed: "Who give me that
    five-dollar bill?" I sed: "I did, and it
    was a good one, too." He sed: "Wall,
    you cum out here, I want to see you."
    Wall, I didn't know what he wanted, but I
    jist made up my mind if he indulged in any
    foolishness with me I'd flop him in about a
    minnit. Wall, I got out thar, and he sed:
    "Now look here, honest injun, did you give
    me that five-dollar bill?" I sed: "Yes,
    sir, that's jist what I done," and he sed,
    "Wall, now, which one of the hosses do you
    want?" Gosh, I don't believe I'd gin him
    five dollars fer the whole durned outfit.
    ----

    Ambition--Somethin' that has made one man a
    senator, and another man a convict.
                                   --Punkin Centre Philosophy



    Uncle Josh in a Department Store



    ONE day while I wuz in New York I sed to a
    feller, now whar kin I find one of them
    stores whar they hav purty near everything
    to sell what thar is on earth, and he sed "I
    guess you mean a department store, don't you?"
    I sed, wall I don't know bout that; they
    may sell departments at one of them stores,
    but what I want to git is some muzlin
    and some caliker. Wall he showed me
    which way to go, and I started out, and
    wuz walkin' along down the street lookin'
    at things, when some feller throwed
    a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk. Wall
    now I don't think much of a man what
    throws a bananer peelin' on the sidewalk,
    and I don't think much of a bananer
    what throws a man on the sidewalk,
    neether. Wall, by chowder, my foot hit
    that bananer peelin' and I went up in the
    air, and cum down ker-plunk, and fer about
    a minnit I seen all the stars what stronomy
    tells about, and some that haint been discovered
    yit. Wall jist as I wuz pickin' myself
    up a little boy cum runnin' cross the street
    and he sed "Oh mister, won't you please do
    that agin, my mother didn't see you do it."
    Wall I wish I could a got my hands on that
    little rascal fer about a minnit, and his
    mother would a seen me do it.

    I found one of them stores finally, and I
    got on the inside and told a feller what I
    wanted, and he sent me over to a red-headed
    girl, and she sent me over to a bald-headed
    feller; she sed he didn't have anythin' to do
    only walk the floor and answer questions.
    Wall I went up to him and I sed, mister I'm
    sort of a stranger round here, wish you'd
    show me round 'til I do a little bargainin'.
    And he sed "Oh you git out, you've got hay
    seed in your hair." Wall I jist looked at
    that bald head of hisn, and I sed, wall now,
    you haint got any hay seed in YOUR hair, hav
    you? Everybody commenced a laffin', and he
    got purty riled, so he sed, smart like, "jist
    step this way, please." Wall he showed me
    round and I bought what I wanted, and
    when I cum to pay the feller what I had to
    pay, it didn't look as though I wuz a goin'
    to git any of my money back. I handed him
    a ten dollar bill, and he jist took it and put it
    in a little baskit and hitched it onto a wire,
    and the durned thing commenced runnin'
    all over the store. Wall now you can jist
    bet your boots I lit out right after it; I chased
    it up one side and down the other, I knocked
    down five or six wimmin clerks, and I upset
    five or six bargain counters; I took a wrastle
    out of that bald-headed feller, and jist then
    some one commenced to holler "CASH" and
    I sed yep, that's what I'm after. Wall I
    chased that durned little baskit round 'til I
    got up to it, and when I did I was right thar
    whar I started from. Gee whiz, I never felt
    more foolish in all my life.
    ----

    Prosperity--Consists principally of contentment; for
    the man who is contented is prosperous, in his own way
    of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different
    opinion.
                                   --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Uncle Josh's Comments on the Signs Seen in New York



    I SEEN a good many funny things when I wuz
    in New York, but I think some of the sines what
    they've got on some of the bildins' are 'bout as
    funny as anything I ever seen in my life.

    I wuz walkin' down the street one day
    and I seen a sine, it sed "Quick Lunch."
    Wall, I felt a little hungry, so I went into
    the resturant or bordin' house, or whatever
    they call it, and they had some sines hangin'
    on the walls in thar that jist about made me
    laff all over. I noticed one sine sed "Put
    your trust in the Lord," and right under it
    wuz another sine what sed "Try our mince
    pies." Wall, I tried one of them, and I
    want to tell you right now, if you eat many
    of them mince pies you want to put your
    trust in the Lord.

    Wall, I got out of thar, and I walked
    along fer quite a spell, and finally I cum to
    a store what had a lot of red, white and blue,
    and yeller and purple lights in the winder.
    Wall, I stopped to look at it, cos it wuz a
    purty thing, and they had a sine in that winder
    that jist tickled me, it sed, "Frog in
    your throat 10C." I wouldn't put one of
    them critters in my throat fer ten dollars.

    Wall, jist a little further up the street I
    seen another sine what sed "Boots blacked
    on the inside." Now, any feller what gits
    his boots blacked on the inside ain't got
    much respect fer his socks. I git mine
    blacked on the outside. Then I cum to a
    sine what had a lot of 'lectric lights shinin'
    on it, and I could read it jist as plain as day;
    so I happened to turn round and when I
    looked at that sine agin, it wa'nt the same
    sine at all, and jist then it changed right in
    front of my very eyes, and I cum to the conclooshun
    that some feller on the inside wuz
    a turnin' on it jist to have fun with folks, so
    I cum away; but I had a mighty good laff
    or two watchin' other folks git fooled, cos it
    would turn fust one way and then the t'other,
    and 'fore you could make up your mind
    what it wuz, the durned thing wouldn't be
    that at all.

    A little further up the street I seen a sine
    what sed, "This is the door." Now, any
    durned fool could see it wuz a door. And
    then I seen another sine what sed "Walk
    in." Wall, now, I wunder how in thunder
    they thought a feller wuz a goin' to cum in,
    on hoss back, or on a bisickle, or how. And
    then I seen another sine, it wuz in a winder
    and had a lot of tools around it, and the sine
    sed, "Cast iron sinks." Wall, now, any
    durned fool what don't know that cast iron
    sinks, ought to have some one feel his head
    and find out what ails him.



    Uncle Josh on a Street Car



    NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar
    inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller
    what ever broke out of a New England smoke house.
    I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on
    them street cars what they got thar. Wall I
    wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin'
    after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz
    a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines,
    and every durned thing with red wheels on
    it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half
    after a feller one day to tell him the water
    what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin'
    out, and when I caught up to him I found
    out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart.

    Wall I got on one of them street cars one
    day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar
    wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had
    to hang onto one of them little harness straps
    along side of the car. So I got holt of a
    strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor
    sed "old man, you'r goin' to be in
    the road thar, you'd better move up a little
    further, wall I moved up a little ways and I
    stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he
    got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you
    see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess
    I kin, but you brought them feet in here,
    and I've got to step some whar." Wall
    every one begin to laff, and the conductor
    sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble,
    you'll have to move for'ard again," and
    I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid
    him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as
    well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty
    much all the time I wuz in thar.

    Wall I got onto another car, and I got
    sot down, and I never laffed so much in all
    my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz
    a little slim lady, and right along side of her
    wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as
    though the little slim lady wuz a gittin'
    more'n about two cents and a half worth of
    room, so finally she turned round to the
    fleshy lady and sed, "they ought to charge
    by weight on this line," and the big lady sed
    "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer
    you." Gosh I had to snicker right out loud.

    Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside
    of the big lady, and three ladys got onto the
    car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer
    'em to sot down, and so the big lady sed--
    "little boy, you'd oughter git up and let one
    of them ladys sot down," and the little boy
    sed, "you git up and they can all sot down."
    Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin'
    right out.

    Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady
    and the had the purtiest little baby I calculate
    I'd ever seen in all my born days, I
    wanted to be sociable with the little feller
    so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and
    sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just
    looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber,"
    wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you
    could have knocked me down with a feather,
    I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't
    know the little thing was rubber.

    Wall I noticed up in one end of the car
    thar wuz a little round masheen, and the
    conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and
    every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that
    clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed
    out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins
    and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion
    it showed how much the conductor
    wuz in and the company wuz out.

    Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the
    front end of the car, and he wuz a purty
    nice sort of a feller, he showed me how
    every thing worked and told me all about it,
    wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister,
    hope I'll see you agin some time, and he
    sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these
    days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run
    across me if I seen him a comin'.



    My Fust Pair of Copper Toed Boots



    THAR'S a feelin' of pleasure, mixed in with some pain,

    That over my memory scoots,

    When I think of my boyhood days once again

    And my fust pair of copper toed boots.

    How our folks stood around when I fust tried them on,

    And bravely marched out on the floor,

    And father remarked "thar a mighty good fit

    And the best to be had at the store."

    That night, I remember, I took them to bed,

    With the rest of us little galoots,

    And among other things in my prars which I sed

    Wuz a reference to copper toed boots.

    And then in the mornin' the fust one on hand

    Wuz me and my new acquisition,

    And thar wuzn't a spot in the house that I missed,

    From the garret clar down to the kitchen.

    Then with feelin's expandin', and huntin' fer room,

    I concluded I'd help do the chores;

    Fer I felt as though somethin' wuz goin' to bust

    If I didn't git right out of doors.

    But those boots they were new, and the ice it wuz slick,

    And I couldn't get one way or tother,

    And I jist had to stand right there in one spot

    And holler like thunder fer mother.

    But trouble's a blessing sometimes in disguise

    Fer I larned right thar on the spot,

    That the best sort of knowledge to hav in this world

    Is that by experience taught.

    So though many years have since passed away,

    And I've ventured on various routes,

    I'm still tryin' things jist as risky today

    As my fust pair of copper toed boots.



    Uncle Josh in Police Court



    I NEVER wuz in a town in my life what had as
    many cort houses in it as New York has got.
    It jist seemed to me like every judge in New
    York had a cort house of his own, and
    most of them cort houses seemed to be
    along side of some markit house. Thar
    wuz the Jefferson Markit Cort, and the Essicks
    Markit Cort, and several other corts
    and markits, and markits and corts, I can't
    remember now. Wall, I used to be Jestice
    of the Peece down home at Punkin Center,
    and I wuz a little anxious to see how they
    handled law and jestice in New York City,
    so one mornin' I went down to one of them
    cort houses, and thar wuz more different
    kinds of people in thar than I ever seen
    afore. Thar wuz all kinds of nationalitys--
    Norweegans, Germans, Sweeds, Hebrews,
    and Skandynavians, Irish and colored folks,
    old and young, dirty and clean, good, bad
    and worse. The Judge, he wuz a sottin' up
    on the bench, and a sayin,: "Ten days;
    ten dollars; Geery society; foundlin' asylum;
    case dismissed; bring in the next prisoner,"
    and the Lord only knows what else.
    Wall, some of the cases they tried in that
    cort house made me snicker right out loud.
    They brought in a little Irish feller, and the
    Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?"
    And the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your
    honor, my name is McGiness, Patrick
    McGiness." And the Judge sed: "Mr.
    McGiness, what is your occupation?" And
    the little Irish feller sed: "Judge, your
    honor, I am a sailor." The Judge sed:
    "Mr. McGiness, you don't look to me as
    though you ever saw a ship in all your life."
    And the little Irish feller sed: "Wall
    Judge, your honor, if I never saw a ship in
    me life, do you think I cum over from Ireland
    in a wagon?" The Judge sed: "Case
    dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner."

    Wall, the next prisoner what they brought
    in had sort of an impediment in his talk, and
    the way he stuttered jist beat all. The
    Judge sed: "Prisoner, what is your name?"
    And the prisoner sed: "Jd-Jd-J-J-Judge,
    yr-yr-yo-yo-your h-h-h-hon-hon-honor, m-mm-my-my
    n-n-na-na-name is-is-is----." The
    Judge sed: "Never mind, that will do.
    Officer, what is this prisoner charged with?"
    And the officer sed: "Judge, your honor,
    the way he talks sounds to me like he might
    be charged with sody water." Gosh, I got to laffin'
    so I had to git right out of the cort house.

    It sort of made me think of a law soot we
    had down hum when Jim Lawson wuz Jestice
    of the Peece. You see it wuz like this:
    One spring Si Pettingill wuz goin' out to
    Mizoori to be gone 'bout a year, and he'd
    sold off 'bout all his things 'cept one cow,
    and he didn't want to part with the cow,
    'cause she wuz a mighty good milker, so he
    struck a bargin with Lige Willet. Lige wuz
    to keep the cow, paster and feed her, and
    generally take keer on her fer the milk she
    giv. Wall, finally Si cum hum, and he went
    to Lige's place one day and sed: "Wall,
    Lige, I've cum over to git my cow." And
    Lige sed: "Cum after your cow? Wall,
    if you've got any cow round here I'll be
    durned if I know it." Si sed: "Wall,
    Lige, I left my cow with you." And Lige
    sed: "Wall, that's a year ago, and she's et
    her head off two or three times since then."
    So Si sed: "Wall, Lige, you've had her
    milk fer her keep." And Lige sed: "Milk
    be durned, she went dry three weeks after
    you left, and she ain't give any milk since,
    and near as I can figger it out, seems to me
    as how I've pestered her and fed her all this
    time, she's my cow." Si sed: "No, Lige,
    that wa'nt the bargin." But Lige sed:
    "Bargin or no bargin, I've got her, and
    seein' as how posession is 'bout nine points
    in the law, I'm goin' to keep her."

    So they went to law about it, and all
    Punkin Centre turned out to heer the trial.
    Wall, after Jim Lawson had heered both
    sides of the case, he sed: "The Cort is
    compelled, from the evidence sot forth in
    this case, to find for the plaintiff, the aforesaid
    Silas Pettingill, as agin' the defendant,
    the aforesaid Elijah Willet. We find from
    the evidence sot forth that the cow critter in
    question is a valuable critter, and wuth more
    'n a year's paster and keep, and, tharfore, it
    is the verdict of this cort that the aforesaid
    defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow
    two weeks longer, and then she is hisn."



    Uncle Josh at Coney Island



    I'D heerd tell a whole lot at various times
    'bout that place what they call Coney Iland,
    and while I wuz down In New York, I jist made
    up my mind I wuz a goin' to see it, so one
    day I got on one of them keers what
    goes across the Brooklyn bridge, and I started
    out for Coney Iland. Settin' right along
    side of me in the keer wuz an old lady, and
    she seemed sort of figity 'bout somethin' or
    other, and finaly she sed to me "mister, do
    these cars stop when we git on the other side
    of the bridge?" I sed, wall now if they
    don't you'll git the durndest bump you ever
    got in your life.

    Wall we got on the other side, and I got
    on one of them tra-la-lu cars what goes down
    to Coney Iland. I give the car feller a dollar,
    and he put it in his pockit jist the same
    as if it belonged to him. Wall, when I wuz
    gittin' purty near thar I sed, Mister, don't I
    git any change? He sed, "didn't you see that
    sign on the car?" I sed, no sir. Wall he
    sez "you better go out and look at it."

    Wall I went out and looked at it, and
    that settled it. It sed "This car goes to
    Coney Iland without change." Guess it did;
    I'll be durned if I got any.

    Wall we got down thar, and I must say
    of all the pandemonium and hubbub I ever
    heered in my life, Coney Iland beats it all.
    Bout the fust thing I seen thar wuz a place
    what they called "Shoot the Shoots." It
    looked like a big hoss troff stood on end,
    one end in a duck pond and tother end up
    in the air, and they would haul a boat up to
    the top and all git in and then cum scootin'
    down the hoss troff into the pond. Wall I
    alowed that ud be right smart fun, so I got
    into one of the boats along with a lot of other
    folks I never seed afore and don't keer if I
    never see agin. They yanked us up to the
    top of that troff and then turned us loose,
    and I jist felt as though the whole earth had
    run off and left us. We went down that troff
    lickety split, and a woman what wuz settin'
    alongside of me, got skeered and grabbed
    me round the neck; and I sed, you let go of
    me you brazen female critter. But she jist
    hung on and hollered to beat thunder, and
    everybody wuz a yellin' all to onct, and that
    durned boat wuz a goin' faster'n greased
    lightnin' and I had one hand on my pockit
    book and tother on my hat, and we went
    kerslap dab into that duck pond, and the
    durned boat upsot and we went into the
    water, and that durned female critter hung
    onto me and hollered "save me, I'm jist a
    drownin'." Wall the water wasn't very deep
    and I jist started to wade out when along
    cum another boat and run over us, and
    under we went ker-souse. Wall I managed
    to get out to the bank, and that female
    woman sed I was a base vilian to not rescue
    a lady from a watery grave. And I jist told
    her if she had kept her mouth shet she
    wouldn't hav swallered so much of the pond.

    Wall they had one place what they called
    the Middle Way Plesumps, and another place
    what they called The Streets of Caro, and they
    had a lot of shows a goin' on along thar.
    Wall I went into one of 'em and sot down,
    and I guess if they hadn't of shet up the show
    I'd a bin sottin' thar yet. I purty near
    busted my buttins a laffin'. They had a lot
    of gals a dancin' some kind of a dance; I
    don't know what they called it, but it sooted
    me fust rate. When I got home, the more
    I thought about it the more I made up my
    mind I'd learn that dance. Wall I went out
    in the corn field whar none of the neighbors
    could see me, and I'll be durned if I
    didn't knock down about four akers of corn,
    but I never got that dance right. I wuz the
    talk of the whole community; mother didn't
    speak to me fer about a week, and Aunt
    Nancy Smith sed I wuz a burnin' shame
    and a disgrace to the village, but I notice
    Nancy has asked me a good many questions
    about jist how it was, and I wouldn't wonder
    if we didn't find Nancy out in the cornfield
    one of these days.



    Uncle Josh at the Opera



    WALL, I sed to mother when I left hum, now
    mother, when I git down to New York City I'm
    goin' to see a regular first-class theater.
    We never had many theater doin's down our way.
    Wall, thar wuz a theater troop cum to Punkin
    Centre along last summer, but we
    couldn't let 'em hav the Opery House to
    show in 'cause it wuz summer time and the
    Opery House wuz full of hay, and we couldn't
    let 'em hav it 'cause we hadn't any place
    to put the hay. An then about a year and a
    half ago thar wuz a troop cum along that
    wuz somethin' about Uncle Tom's home;
    they left a good many of their things behind
    'em when they went away. Ezra Hoskins
    he got one of the mules, and he tried to
    hitch it up one day; Doctor says he thinks
    Ezra will be around in about six weeks. I
    traded one of the dogs to Ruben Hendricks
    fer a shot gun; Rube cum over t'other day,
    borrowed the gun and shot the dog.

    Wall, I got into one of your theaters
    here, got sot down and wuz lookin' at it;
    and it wuz a mighty fine lookin' pictur with
    a lot of lights shinin' on it, and I wuz enjoyin'
    it fust rate, when a lot of fellers cum out
    with horns and fiddles, and they all started
    in to fiddlin' and tootin', end all to once they
    pulled the theatre up, and thar wuz a lot of
    folks having a regular family quarrel. I
    knowed that wasn't any of my business, and
    I sort of felt uneasy like; but none of the
    rest of the folks seemed to mind it any, so I
    calculated I'd see how it cum out, though my
    hands sort of itched to get hold of one feller,
    'cause I could see if he would jest go 'way
    and tend to his own business thar wouldn't
    be any quarrel. Wall, jest then a young feller
    handed me a piece of paper what told all
    about the theater doin's, and I got to lookin'
    at that and I noticed on it whar it sed thar
    wuz five years took place 'tween the fust
    part and the second part. I knowed durned
    well I wouldn't have time to wait and see
    the second part, so I got up and went out.
    Wall, them theater doin's jest put me in
    mind of somethin' what happened down
    hum on the last day of school. You see the
    school teacher got all the big boys and the
    big girls, and the boys they read essays and
    the girls recited poetry. One of the Skinner
    girls recited a piece that sooted me fust rate.
    Neer as I kin remember it went somethin'
    like this:

     How nice to hear the bumble-bee
         When you go out a fishin',
     But if you happen to sot down on him,
         He'll spoil your disposition.


    I liked that; thar wuz somethin' so
    touchin' about it. Then the school teacher
    he got all the girls in the 'stronomy class and
    he dressed them up to represent the different
    kinds of planits. He had one girl to represent
    the sun--she wuz red-headed; and another
    one to represent the moon, and another
    one fer Mars, and another one fer Jerupetir,
    and it looked mighty fine, and everythin'
    wuz a gettin' along fust rate 'til old Jim
    Lawson 'lowed he could make an improvement
    on it; so he went out and got a colord
    girl, and he wanted to sot her between the
    sun and the moon and make an eklips. And
    as usual he busted up the whole doin's.



    Uncle Josh at Delmonico's



    I USED to hear the summer boarders tell
    a whole lot about a place here in New York
    kept by Mr. Delmonico. Thar's
    bin about ten thousand summer
    boarders down to Punkin Centre
    one time and another, and I guess I've
    carried the bundles and stood the grumblin'
    from about all of them; and when anyone of
    'em would find fault with anythin' I used to
    ast him whar he boarded at in New York,
    and they all told me at Mr. Delmonico's; so
    I'd cum to the conclusion that Mr. Delmonico
    must hav a right smart purty good sized
    tavern; and I sed to mother--now mother,
    when I git down to New York that's whar
    I'm goin' to board, at Mr. Delmonico's.

    Wall, I got a feller to show me whar it
    wuz, and when I got on the inside I don't
    s'pose I wuz ever more sot back in all my
    life; guess you could have knocked my eyes
    off with a club; they stuck out like bumps
    on a log. Wall sir, they had flowers and
    birds everywhere, and trees a settin' in wash
    tubs, didn't look to me as though they would
    stand much of a gale; and about a hundred
    and fifty patent wind mills runnin' all to
    onct, and out in the woods somewhar they
    had a band a-playin'. I couldn't see 'em
    but I could hear 'em; guess some of 'em
    wuz a havin' a dance to settle down their
    dinner; I couldn't tell whether it was a society
    festival or a camp meetin' at feedin'
    time. Wall, one feller cum up to me and
    commenced talkin' some furrin language I
    didn't understand, somethin' about bon-sour,
    mon-sour. I jist made up my mind he wuz
    one of them bunco fellers, and I wouldn't
    talk to him. Then another feller cum up
    right smart like and wanted to know if I'd
    hav my dinner table de hotel or all over a
    card, and I told him if it wuz all the same to
    him he could bring me my dinner on a plate.
    Wall, he handed me a programme of the
    dinner and I et about half way down it and
    drank a bottle of cider pop what he give me,
    and it got into my head, and I never felt so
    durn good in all my life. I got to singin'
    and I danced Old Dan Tucker right thar in
    the dinin' room, and I took a wrestle out of
    Mr. bon-sour mon-sour; and jist when I got
    to enjoyin' myself right good, they called in
    alot of constables, and it cost me sixteen
    dollars and forty-five cents, and then they
    took me out ridin' in a little blue wagon
    with a bell on it, and they kept ringin' the
    bell every foot of the way to let folks know
    I wuz one of Mr. Delmonico's boarders.



    It is Fall



    THE days are gettin' shorter, and
    the summer birds are leaving,

    The wind sighs in the tree tops,
    as though all nature was grieving;

    The leaves they drop in showers, there's a
    blue haze over all,

    And a feller is reminded that once again it's
    Fall.


    It is a glorious season, the crops most gathered
    in,

    The wheat is in the granary and the oats are
    in the bin;

    A feller jest feels splendid, right in harmony
    with all,

    The old cider mill a-humin', 'gosh, I know
    it's Fall.


    I hear the Bob White whistlin' down by the
    water mill,

    While dressed in gorgeous colors is each
    valley, knoll and hill;

    The cows they are a-lowing, as they slowly
    wander home,

    And the hives are just a-bustin' with the
    honey in the comb.


    Soon be time for huskin' parties, or an apple
    paring bee,

    And the signs of peace and plenty are just
    splendid for to see;

    The flowers they are drooping, soon there
    won't be none at all,

    Old Jack Frost has nipped them, and by that
    I know it's Fall.


    The muskrat has built himself a house down
    by the old mill pond,

    The squirrels are laying up their store from
    the chestnut trees beyond;

    While walking through the orchard I can
    hear the ripe fruit fall;

    There's an air of quiet comfort that only
    comes with Fall.


    The wind is cool and bracing, and it makes
    you feel first-rate,

    And there's work to keep you going from
    early until late;

    So you feel like giving praises unto Him
    who doeth all,

    Nature heaps her blessings on you at this
    season, and it's Fall.


    The nights are getting frosty and the fire
    feels pretty good,

    I like to see the flames creep up among the
    burning wood;

    Away across the hilltops I can hear the hoot
    owl call,

    He is looking for his supper, I guess he
    knows its Fall.


    And though the year is getting old and the
    trees will soon be bare,

    There's a satisfactory feeling of enough and
    some to spare;

    For there's still some poor and needy who
    for our help do call,

    So we'll share with them our blessings and
    be thankful that it's Fall.



    Si Pettingill's Brooms



    WALL, one day jist shortly after sap season
    wuz over, we wuz all sottin' round Ezra Hoskins's
    store, talkin' on things in general, when up
    drove Si Pettingill with a load of brooms.
    Wall, we all took a long breath, and got
    ready to see some as tall bargainin' as wuz
    ever done in Punkin Centre. 'Cause Si, he
    could see a bargain through a six-inch plank
    on a dark night, and Ezra could hear a dollar
    bill rattle in a bag of feathers a mile off,
    and we all felt mighty sartin suthin' wuz a
    goin' to happen. Wall, Si, he sort er stood
    'round, didn't say much, and Ezra got most
    uncommonly busy--he had more business
    than a town marshal on circus day.

    Wall, after he had sold Aunt Nancy
    Smith three yards of caliker, and Ruben
    Hendricks a jack-knife, and swapped Jim
    Lawson a plug of tobacker fer a muskrat
    hide, he sed: "How's things over your
    way, Si?" Si remarked: "things wuz
    'bout as usual, only the water had bin most
    uncommon high, White Fork had busted
    loose and overflowed everything, Sprosby's
    mill wuz washed out, and Lige Willits's
    paster wuz all under water, which made it
    purty hard on the cows, and Lige had to
    strain the milk two or three times to git the
    minnews out of it. Whitaker's young 'uns
    wuz all havin' measles to onct, and thar wuz
    a revival goin' on at the Red Top Baptist
    church, and most every one had got religion,
    and things wuz a runnin' 'long 'bout
    as usual."

    Deacon Witherspoon sed: "Did you
    git religion, Si?" Si sed: "No, Deacon;
    I got baptized, but it didn't take--calculated
    I might as well have it done while thar wuz
    plenty of water."

    "Thought I'd cum over today, Ezra;
    I've got some brooms I'd like to sell ye."
    Ezra sed: "Bring 'em in, Si, spring house
    cleanin' is comin' on and I'll most likely
    need right smart of brooms, so jist bring 'em
    in." Si sed: "Wall, Ezra, don't see as
    thar's any need to crowd the mourners, can't
    we dicker on it a little bit; I want cash fer
    these brooms, Ezra, I don't want any store
    trade fer 'em." Ezra sed: "Wall, I don't
    know 'bout that, Si; seems to me that's a
    gray hoss of another color, I always gin ye
    store trade fer your eggs, don't I?" Si sed:
    "Y-a-s--, and that's a gray hoss of another
    color; ye never seen a hen lay brooms, did
    ye? Brooms is sort of article of commerce,
    Ezra, and I want cash fer 'em." Wall,
    Ezra, he looked 'round the store and thot
    fer a spell, and then he sed: "Tell ye what
    I'll do, Si; I'll gin ye half cash and the other
    half trade, how'll that be?" Si sed:
    "Guess that'll be all right, Ezra. Whar
    will I put the brooms?" Ezra sed: "Put
    them in the back end of the store, Si, and
    stack 'em up good; I hadn't got much room,
    and I've got a lot of things comin' in from
    Boston and New York." Wall, after Si had
    the brooms all in, he sed: "Wall, thar they
    be, five dozen on 'em." Ezra sed: "Sure
    thar's five dozen?" Si sed: "Yas; counted
    'em on the wagon, counted 'em off agin,
    and counted 'em when I made 'em." So
    Ezra sed: "Wall, here's your money; now
    what do you want in trade?" Si looked
    'round fer a spell and sed: "I don't know,
    Ezra; don't see anything any of our folks
    pertickerly stand in need on. If it's all the
    same to you, Ezra, I'll take BROOMS?"

    Wall, Jim Lawson fell off'n a wash-tub
    and Ruben Hendricks cut his thumb with
    his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon
    sed: "No, Si, that baptizin' didn't
    take. And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say.

    ----

    Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we
    would do if we wuz in the other feller's place.
                                     --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Uncle Josh Plays Golf



    WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me,
    Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and play a
    game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind
    the woodshed whar mother couldn't
    see us and them durned boys dressed
    your uncle up in the dogondest suit of
    clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a
    pair of socks that had more different colors
    in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like
    a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider,
    and a-goin' across the medder our turkey
    gobbler took after me and I had an awful
    time with that fool bird. I calculate as how
    I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving
    time.

    Wall, the boys took me into the paster,
    and they had it all dug up into what they
    called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer
    full of little Injun war clubs. They called
    one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a
    lot of other fool names I never heerd afore,
    and can't remember now. Then they
    brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big
    as a hen's egg, and they stuck it up on a
    little hunk of mud. Then they told me to
    take one of them thar war clubs and stand
    alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall, I jist
    peeled off my coat and got a good holt on
    that war club and I jist whaled away at that
    durned little ball, and by gum I missed it,
    and the boys all commenced to holler "foozle."

    Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled
    away at it again, and I hit it right whar I
    missed it the fust time, and I whirled round
    and sot down so durned hard I sot four back
    teeth to akin, and I pawed round in the air
    and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit
    myself on the shin and on the pet corn at the
    same time, and them durned boys wuz jist a-
    rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin'
    like Injuns. Wall, I begun to git madder
    'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that
    durned little ball way over into the next
    county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit
    on my hands and got a good holt on that
    war club and I whaled away at that little ball
    agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it
    clar over into Deacon Witherspoon's paster,
    and hit his old muley cow, and she got
    skeered and run away, jumped the fence
    and went down the road, and the durned
    fool never stopped a-runnin' 'til she went
    slap dab into Ezra Hoskins' grocery store,
    upsot four gallons of apple butter into a keg
    of soft soap, and sot one foot into a tub
    of mackral, and t'other foot into a box of
    winder glass, and knocked over Jim Lawson
    who wuz sottin' on a cracker barrel, and
    broke his durned old wooden leg, and then
    she went right out through the winder and
    skeered Si Pettingill's hosses that wuz a
    standin' thar, and they run away and smashed
    his wagon into kindlin' wood' and Silas has
    sued me fer damages, and mother won't
    speak to me, and Jim he wants me to buy
    him a new wooden leg, and the neighbors
    all say as how I ought to be put away some
    place fer safe keepin', and Aunt Nancy
    Smith got so excited she lost her glass eye
    and didn't find it for three or four days, and
    when she did git it the boys wuz a-playin'
    marbles with it and it wuz all full of gaps,
    and Jim Lawson he trimmed it up on the
    grindstane and it don't fit Nancy any more,
    and she has to sort of put it in with cotton
    round it to bold it, and the cotton works
    out at the corners and skeers the children
    and every time I see Nancy that durned eye
    seems to look at me sort of reproachful like,
    and all I know about playin' golf is, the feller
    what knocks the ball so durned far you
    can't find it or whar it does the most damage,
    wins the game.



    Jim Lawson's Hogs



    WHEN it cum to raisin' hogs, I don't s'pose
    thar wuz ever enybody in Punkin Centre that had
    quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall
    Jim had a right likely bunch of shoats, but
    somehow or other he couldn't git 'em fat,
    it jist seemed like the more he fed 'em the
    poorer they got, and Jim he wuz jist about
    worried clar down to a shadder. He kept
    givin' them hogs medecin' and feedin' of
    'em everything he could think on, but it
    wan't no use; every day or so one of 'em
    would lay down and die. All the neighbors
    would cum and lean over the fence, and
    talk to Jim, and give him advice, but somehow
    them hogs jist kept on a-dyin', and nobody
    could see what wuz alin' of 'em, 'til
    one day Jim cum over to Ezra Hoskins's
    store, and he looked as tickled as though
    he'd found a dollar, and he sed: "I want
    you all to cum over to my place; I've found
    out what's alin' them hogs." Deacon
    Witherspoon sed: "Wall, what is it,
    Jim?" and Jim sed: "Wall, you see the
    ground over in my hog lot is purty soft, and
    when it rains it gits right smart muddy, and
    the mud gits on them hogs' tails, and that
    mud it gits more mud, and finally they git
    so much mud on their tails that it draws
    their skin so tight that they can't shet their
    eyes, and them hogs air jist a-dyin' fer the
    want of sleep."

    Wall, the followin' winter Jim had his
    hogs all fat and ready fer markit, and he jist
    conclooded he'd drive 'em to Concord.
    Wall, he started out, and when he'd drov
    'em two whole days he met old Jabez Whitaker.
    Jabe sed: "Whar you goin' with your hogs, Jim?"
    Jim sed: "Goin' to Concord, Jabez." Jabez sed
    "Wall, now, I want to know. That's what cums
    from not readin' the papers. Why, Jim,
    they've got more hogs up Concord way than
    they know what to do with. Lige Willit
    took his hogs up thar, and Eben Sprosby
    took his'n, and Concord's jist chuck full of
    hogs, and so consequintly the markit's away
    down in Concord. But the paper sez it's
    good in Manchester, and you'd make money,
    Jim, by goin' thar." So Jim shifted his
    chew of terbacker over to the northeast, and
    sed: "Wall, boys, I calculate we'll hav to
    go to Manchester, so jist head the hogs off
    and turn them round." Wall, they druv
    them hogs 'bout three days towards Manchester,
    and jist 'bout when they wuz gittin'
    thar, along cum Caleb Skinner, and he sed:
    "Wall, thunder and fish-hooks, whar be you
    a-goin', Jim." And Jim sed: "As near
    as he could figure it out from his present
    bearin's, he wuz most likely goin' to
    Manchester." And Caleb sed: "What fer?"
    Jim sed: "Didn't know exactly what all
    he wuz goin' fer, but if he ever got thar,
    he'd most likely sell his hogs." And Caleb
    sed: "Wall, your goin' to the wrong town.
    Manchester has got a quarantine agin' any
    more hogs comin' in, 'cos what hogs they is
    thar has all got colery, and you'd better go
    to Concord. Besides the paper says markit
    is purty well up in Concord." Wall, Jim
    sed a good many things that wouldn't sound
    good at a prayer meetin', and then he sed:
    "Wall, boys, gess we'll start back fer
    Concord, so turn round." Wall, they went
    along 'bout two days, and them poor hogs
    couldn't stand it no longer 'cos they wuz
    jist clean tuckered out, so Jim had to sell
    'em to Josiah Martin fer what he could git,
    'cos it wuz jist right at Josiah's place whar
    the hogs gin out, and thar wan't no way of
    moovin' them from thar fer some time to
    cum.

    Wall, along 'bout two weeks after that
    we wuz all over to Ezra Hoskins's store,
    and some one sed: "Jim, you didn't do
    very well with your hogs this year, did you?"
    And Jim sed: "Oh, I don't know; that's
    jist owin' to how you look at it. I never
    caught up to that blamed markit, but I had
    the society of the hogs fer two weeks."



    Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent



    WALL I s'pose I git buncode offener than any
    feller what ever lived in Punkin Centre. A
    short time ago we wanted to build a new town
    hall, and calculated we'd have a brick
    building; and some one sed, "Wall now, if
    you'll jist wait 'til Josh Weathersby makes
    another trip or two down to New York
    thar'll be gold bricks enuff a-layin' 'round
    Punkin Centre to build a new town hall."

    Wall, one day last summer I wuz a sottin'
    out on my back porch, when along cum one
    of them thar lightning rod agents. Wall,
    he jist cum right up and commenced a-talkin'
    at me jist as if he'd bin the town marshal
    or a tax assessor, or like he'd known me all
    his life. He sed, "My dear sir, I am astonished
    at you. I've looked over your entire
    premises and I find you haven't got a lightning
    rod on any buildin' that you possess.
    Why, my dear sir, don't you know you are
    flyin' right in the face of Providence? Don't
    you know that lightning may strike at any
    time and demolish everything within the
    sound of my voice? Don't you know you
    are criminally negligent? Why, my dear
    sir, I am astonished to think that a man of
    your jedgment and good common sense
    should allow yourself to----" Wall, about
    that time I'd got my breath and wits at the
    same time, and I sed, "Now hold on, gosh
    durn ye, what hav ye got to sell anyhow?"
    Wall, he told me he had some lightnin' rods,
    and he brought out a little masheen and told
    me to take hold of the handles and he'd
    show me what a powerful thing 'lectricity
    wuz. Wall, I took hold of them handles and
    he turned on a crank, and that durned masheen
    jist made me dance all over the porch,
    and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz, I felt as
    though I'd fell in a yeller jacket's nest, and
    about four thousand of 'em wuz a stingin'
    me all to onct. Wall, I told him I guessed
    he could put up a lightning rod or two, seein'
    as how I didn't hav any. Wall, he went
    to work and I went over to Ezra Hoskins',
    and when I got back home my place wuz a
    sight to behold; it looked like a harrer
    turned upside down. Thar wuz seven
    lightning rods on the barn, one on the hen
    house, one on the corn crib, one on the
    smoke house, two on the granery, three on
    the kitchen, six on my house, and one on the
    crab apple tree, and when I got thar that
    durned fool had the old muley cow cornered
    up a-tryin' to put a lightnin' rod on her.
    Wall, I paid him fer what he had done, and
    thanked the Lord he hadn't done any more.
    Wall, he got me to sine a paper what sed he
    had done a good job, and he sed he had to
    show that to the company.

    Wall, about a week after that we had a
    thunder storm, and I think the lightnin'
    struck everything on the place except the
    spring wagon and old muley cow, and they
    didn't have any lightnin' rod on 'em. Wall
    I thought I wuz a-gittin' off mighty lucky
    til next day, when along cum a feller with
    that paper what I had sined, and durned if
    it wan't a note fer six hundred dollars, and
    by gosh if I didn't hav to pay it!

    Buncode agin, by chowder!

    ----

    Energy--There is a lot of energy in this life that
    wasted. I notis that the man who has a good strong
    pipe most usually rides in front.
                                     --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    A Meeting of the Annanias Club



    WALL, sometimes a lot of us old codgers used
    to git down to Ezra Hoskins' grossery store
    and we'd sot 'round and chaw terbacker and
    whittle sticks and eat crackers and cheese
    and proons and anything Ezra happened to
    have layin' 'round loos, and then we'd git
    to spinnin' yarns that would jist about put
    Annanias and Safiry right out of business if
    they wuz here now. Wall, one afternoon
    we wuz all settin' 'round spinnin' yarns
    when Deacon Witherspoon sed that eckos
    wuz mighty peculiar things, cos down whar
    he wuz born and raised thar wuz a passell of
    hills cum together and you couldn't git out
    thar and talk louder 'n a whisper on account
    of the ecko. But one day a summer boarder
    what wuz thar remarked as how he wasn't
    afraid to talk right out in meetin' in front of
    any old lot of hills what wuz ever created;
    so he went out and hollered jist as loud as he
    could holler, and he started a ecko a-goin'
    and it flew up agin one hill and bounced off
    onto another one and gittin' bigger and
    louder all the time 'til it got back whar it
    started from and hit a stone quarry and
    knocked off a piece of stone and hit that feller
    in the head, and he didn't cum too fer
    over three hours. Wall, we thought that
    wuz purty good fer a Deacon. Wall, none
    of us sed anything fer a right smart spell
    and then Si Pettingill remarked "he didn't
    know anything about eckos, but he calculated
    he'd seen some mighty peculiar things;
    sed he guessed he'd seen it rain 'bout as
    hard as anybody ever seen it rain."
    Someone sed, "Wall, Si, how hard did
    you ever see it rain?" and he sed, "Wall
    one day last summer down our way it
    got to rainin' and it rained so hard that
    the drops jist rubbed together comin'
    down, which made them so allfired hot that
    they turned into steam; why, it rained
    so gosh dinged hard, thar wuz a cider
    bar'l layin' out in the yard that had both
    heads out'n it and the bung hole up; wall, it
    rained so hard into that bung hole that the
    water couldn't run out of both ends of the
    bar'l fast enough, and it swelled up and
    busted." Wall, we all took a fresh chew of
    terbacker and nudged each other; and Ezra
    Hoskins sed he didn't remember as how
    he'd ever seen it rain quite so hard as that,
    but he'd seen some mighty dry weather; he
    sed one time when he wuz out in Kansas it
    got so tarnation dry that fish a-swimmin' up
    the river left a cloud of dust behind them.
    And hot, too; why, it got so allfired hot that
    one day he tied his mule to a pen of popcorn
    out behind the barn, and it got so hot that
    the corn got to poppin' and flyin' 'round
    that old mule's ears and he thought it wuz
    snow and laid down and froze to death.
    Wall, about that time old Jim Lawson
    commenced to show signs of uneasiness, and
    someone sed, "What is it, Jim?" and Jim
    remarked, as he shifted his terbacker and cut
    a sliver off from his wooden leg, "I wuz
    a-thinkin' about a cold spell we had one
    winter when we wuz a-livin' down Nantucket
    way. It wuz hog killin' time, if I remember
    right; anyhow, we had a kittle of
    bilin' water sottin' on the fire, and we sot it
    out doors to cool off a little, and that water
    froze so durned quick that the ice wuz hot."

    Ezra sed, "Guess its 'bout shettin' up
    time."



    Jim Lawson's Hoss Trade



    SPEAKIN' of hoss tradin', now Jim Lawson was
    calculated to be about the best hoss trader in
    Punkin Centre. Yes, Jim he could sot up on a
    fence, chew terbacker, whittle a stick, and
    jist about swap ye outen your eye-teeth, if
    you'd listen to him.

    Yas, Jim wuz some punkins on a swap;
    Jim 'd swap anything he had fer anything
    he didn't want, jist to be swappin'.

    Wall, a gypsy cum along one day and
    tackled Jim fer a swap; and about that time
    Jim he'd got hold of a critter that had more
    cussedness in him to the squar inch than any
    critter we'd ever sot eyes on, 'cept a cirkus
    mule that Ezra Hoskins owned.

    Wall, the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine
    lookin' critter, and we all calculated that
    Jim had right smart of a bargain, 'til one day
    Jim went to ride him, 'n he found out if he
    fetched the peskey critter on the sides he'd
    squat right down. Wall, Jim knowed if he
    didn't git rid of that hoss, his reputation as a
    hoss trader wuz forever gone; so he went
    over in t'other township to see old Deacon
    Witherspoon. You see the Deacon he wuz
    mighty fond of goin' a-huntin', and as he
    had rheumatiz purty bad it wuz sort of hard
    fer him to git 'round, so he had to do his
    huntin' on hoss back. Wall, Jim didn't say
    much to fuss, just kinder hinted around that
    huntin' was a-goin' to be mighty good this
    fall, cos he'd seen one or two flocks of
    partridges over back of Sprosby's medder, and
    some right smart of quail over by Buttermilk
    ford, and finally he sed: "Deacon, I've got
    a hoss you ought to hev; he's a setter."
    Wall, you could hav knocked the Deacon's
    eyes off with a club, they stuck out like
    bumps on a log, and he sed, "Why, Jim, I
    never heered tell of sech a thing in all my
    life; the idea of a horse being a setter!"
    Jim sed, "Yes, Deacon, he's bin trained to
    set for all kinds of game. I calculated as
    how I'd git a shotgun this fall and do right
    smart of hunting." So the Deacon sed,
    "Wall, now, I want to know; bring him
    over, Jim, I'd like to see him."

    Wall, Jim took the hoss over, and all
    Punkin Centre jest sort of held its breath to
    see how it would cum out.

    Jim and the Deacon went a-hunting, and
    as they wuz a-ridin' along through the timber
    down by Ruben Hendrick's paster, Jim
    keepin' his eyes peeled and not sayin' much,
    when all to onct he seen a rabbit settin' in a
    brush heap, and he jist tetched the old hoss
    on the sides and he squatted right down.
    The Deacon sed, "Why, what's the matter
    of your hoss, Jim, look what he be a
    doin'." Jim sed, "'Sh, Deacon, don't you
    see that rabbit over thar in the brush heap?
    the old hoss is a-settin' of him." Deacon
    sed, "Wall, now that's the most remarkable
    thing I ever seen in my life; how'd you like
    to trade, Jim?" Jim sed, "Wall, Deacon,
    I hadn't calculated on disposin' of the hoss,
    but I ain't much of a hand at huntin', and
    seein' as how it's you, if you want him I'll
    trade you, Deacon, fifty dollars to boot."

    Wall, the Deacon had a mighty fine animal,
    but he sed, "I'll trade you, Jim."
    They traded hosses, and when they wuz a-
    comin' home they had to ford the crick what
    runs back of Punkin Centre, and when the
    old hoss wuz a-wadin' through the water,
    Deacon went to pull his feet up to keep
    them from gettin' wet, and he tetched the
    old boss on the sides and he squatted right
    down in the crick. Deacon sed, "Now look
    a-here, Jim, what's the matter with this ungodly
    brute, he ain't a-settin' now be he?"
    Jim sed, "Yes he is, Deacon, he sees fish in
    the water; tell you he's trained to set fer
    suckers same as fer rabbits, Deacon; oh, he's
    had a thorough eddication."

    ----

    Paradox--I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to
    me like a tramp who once told me how to be successful
    in life.
                                   --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    A Meeting of the School Directors



    WE had bin havin' a good deal of argufyin'
    about the school house. You see it had got to
    be a sort of a tumble-down ram-shackle sort
    of an affair, and when it wuz bad weather we
    couldn't have school in it, 'cause you might
    jist as well be a sittin' under a siv when it
    rained as to be a settin' in that school house.
    Wall, it wuz a-cummin' along the fall term,
    and we wanted our boys and girls to git all
    the schoolin' an' eddication what they could;
    so we called a meetin' of the school directors
    to devise ways and means of buildin' a new
    school-house without stoppin' school. Wall,
    we all met down at the school-house; thar
    wuz Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins,
    Ruben Hendricks, Si Pettingill, old Jim
    Lawson and me. Before we commenced
    debatin' and argufyin' on the matter, Si
    Pettingill alowed he'd sing a song. Wall, he
    got up and sang the durndest old-fashioned
    song I calculate I ever heered in my life;
    went somethin' like this:

     Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride,
                                       oohoo--oohoo.
     Oh a frog went a courtin' and he did ride,
     With a sword and a pistol by his side,
                                       oohoo--oohoo.
     He rode till he came to the mouse's door,
                                       oohoo--oohoo,
     He rode till he came to the mouse's door,
     And there he knelt upon the floor,
                                       oohoo--oohoo.
     He took Miss Mousey on his knee,
                                       oohoo--oohoo.
     He took Miss Mousey on his knee,
     Said he, Missy Mouse will you marry me?
                                       oohoo--oohoo.


    Wall, we headed Si off right thar; I guess
    if we hadn't he'd bin singin' about that frog
    and the mouse yet. Wall, jist then old Jim
    Lawson he sed, "I make a moshen;" and
    Deacon Witherspoon, he wuz chairman,
    and he sed, "Now look here, young feller,
    don't you make any moshens at me or durned
    if I don't git down thar and flop you in about
    a minnit. You take your feet off'n that
    desk and that corncob pipe out'n your
    mouth, and conduct yourself with dignity
    and decorum, and address the chairman of
    this yere meetin' in a manner benttin' to his
    station." Wall, Jim he got right smart riled
    over the matter, and he sed, "Wall, you
    gosh durned old gospel pirate, I want you to
    understand that I'm a member of this body,
    a citizen, a taxpayer and a honorably
    discharged servant of the government, and I
    make a moshen that we build a new school-
    house out of the bricks of the old school-
    house, and I do further offer an amendment
    to the original moshen, that we don't tear
    down the old schoolhouse until the new one
    is built."

    Wall, Deacon Witherspoon sed, "The
    gentleman is out of order;" and Jim sed, "I
    ain't so durned much out of order but that I
    kin trim you in about two shakes of a dead
    sheep's tail." Wall, before we knowed it,
    them two old cusses wuz at it. The Deacon
    he grabbed Jim and Jim he grabbed the
    Deacon, and when we got 'em separated the
    Deacon he wuz stuck fast 'tween a desk and
    the woodbox, and Jim had his wooden leg
    through a knot hole in the floor and couldn't
    get it out, and they've both gone to law
    about it. Jim says he's goin' to git out a
    writ of corpus cristy fer the Deacon, and
    the Deacon says he's goin' to prosecute Jim
    for bigamy and arson and have him read out
    of the church.

    Wall, we've got the same old schoolhouse.

    ----

    Justice--Those who hanker fer it would be
    generally better off if they didn't git it.
                                     --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    The Weekly Paper at Punkin Centre



    WALL, t'other day, down in New York, I wuz
    a-walkin' along on that street what they call
    the broad way, when I cum to the Herald squar
    noospaper buildin', and it wuz all winders and
    masheenery. Wall, I wuz jist flobgasted; I
    jist stood thar lookin' at it. On the front thar
    wuz a bell and a couple of fellers standin'
    along side of it with slege hammers in their
    hands, and every onct in a while they would
    go to poundin' on that bell, and folks 'd
    stand 'round and watch 'em do it; they reminded
    me of a couple of fellers splittin'
    rales. And all 'round the edge of the buildin'
    they had hoot owls sottin', with electric
    lites in their ize, and thar wuz no end to the
    masheenery in that buildin'. If anyone hed
    ever told me thar wuz that much masheenery
    in the whole world durned if I'd a-beleeved
    them; biggest masheen I'd ever seen
    before wuz Si Pettingill's new thrashin'
    masheen. Wall, I jist stood thar a-watchin'
    them printin' presses a-runnin'; paper goin'
    in to one end and cumin' out at t'other all
    printed and full of picters and folded up
    ready to sell; it jist beat all the way they done
    it. Wall, we never had but one paper down
    home at Punkin Centre; we called it "The
    Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle;" old Jim
    Lawson he wuz editor of it. You see Jim
    he wuz sort of a triflin' no 'count old cuss,
    so to keep him out of mischief we made him
    editor. Wall, Jim he had his place up over
    Ezra Hoskins' grossery store. He never got
    any money for the noospaper--always got
    paid in produce, and Ezra's store wuz a
    mighty good place fer him to take in his
    subskriptions. Wall, things went along
    pretty smooth fer quite a spell 'til one day a
    feller he cum in and give Jim a keg of hard
    cider fer a year's subskription to the noospaper,
    and we all calculated right then that
    somethin' wuz a-goin' to happen; and sure
    enough it did. You see 'bout that time Jim
    had got two advertisements; one wuz fer
    Ruben Jackson's resterant and the other wuz
    the time table of the Punkin Centre and Paw
    Paw Valley Railroad. Wall, Jim he got to
    drinkin' the hard cider and settin' type at
    the same time, and when the paper cum out
    on Thursday it wuz wuth goin' miles to see.
    Neer as I kin remember it sed that: "Ruben
    Jackson's resterant would leave the depo
    every mornin' at eight o'clock fer beefstake
    and mutton stews, and would change cars at
    White River Junkshen for mins and punkin
    pise, and cottage puddin' would be a flag
    stashen fer coffy and do nuts like mother
    used to make, and the train wouldn't run on
    Sundays cos the stashun agint what done the
    cookin' would have to run en extra on that
    day over the chicken and ham sandwitch divishion."

    I believe that wuz the last issu of the
    Punkin Centre Weakly Bugle.

    ----

    Enthusiasm--Sometimes inspired, sometimes acquired,
    sometimes the result of immediate surroundings,
    and sometimes the result of hard cider.
                                   --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Uncle Josh at a Camp Meeting



    WALL, we've jist bin havin' a camp meeting
    at Punkin Centre. Yes, fer several days we
    wuz purty busy bakin' and cookin and makin'
    preparations fer the camp meetin', and
    some of the committee alowed we ought to
    have lemonade fer the Sunday school
    children. Wall, as we wanted to git it jist
    as cheap as possible, we damed up the crick
    what runs back of the camp meeting
    grounds, and put in ten pounds of brown
    sugar and half a dozen lemons, and let the
    Sunday school children drink right out of
    the crick, free of charge. Wall, we had
    right smart difficulty in gittin' a pulpit fixed
    up fer the ministers, but finally we sawed
    down a hemlock tree and used the stump
    fer a pulpit. Wall, some of the sarmons
    preached at that camp meetin' beat anything
    I ever heered in my life afore. You see we'd
    bin havin' a good many argyments 'bout
    corporations, monopolies and trusts, and one
    minister got up and sed, "Ah, my dear beloved
    brethren and sisters, we should not be
    too severe on the monopolists. If we read
    the scripters closely we observe our forefathers
    wuz all monopolists. Adam and Eve
    had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden,
    and would have had it 'til this day, no doubt,
    had not Mother Eve got squeezed in the
    apple market. Yea, verily, Lot's wife had
    a corner on the salt market. And while
    Pharoe's daughter was not in the milk business,
    yet we observe she took a great proffit
    out of the water; yea, verrily." Most on us
    cum to the conclusion he wuz ridin' on a
    free pass.

    Samantha Hoskins concluded she would
    have to sing her favorit hymn; it went something
    like this:

     "Oh you need not cum in the mornin',
         And neither in the heat of the day;
     But cum along in the evenin', Lord,
         And wash my sins away.

    Chorus--
     Standin' on the walls of Zion,
         Lookin' at my ship cum a sailln' ov{er};
     Standin' on the walls of Zion,
         To see my ship cum in."


    Jist about that time Ruben Hendricks
    skeered a skunk out of a holler log. Si
    Pettingill stirred up a hornet's nest, Deacon
    Witherspoon sot down in a huckleberry pie
    and Aunt Nancy Smith got a spider on her,
    and she started in to yellin' and jumpin' like
    she had a fit, and two dogs got to fitin', and
    old Jim Lawson he tried to git 'em apart and
    he stumped 'round and got his old wooden
    leg into a post hole and fell down, and the
    dogs got on top of him, and you couldn't tell
    which wuz Jim nor which wuz dog; and
    durned if it didn't bust up the camp meetin'.



    The Unveiling of the Organ



     IT wuz down in Punkin Centre,
         I believe in eighty-nine,
     We had some doin's at the meetin' house,
         That we thought wuz purty fine;

     It wuz a great occasion,
         The choir, led by Sister Morgan,
     Had called us thar to witness
         The unveilin' of the organ.

     In order fer to git it
         We'd bin savin' here and there,
     Lookin' forward to the time
         When we'd have music fer to spare,
     And as the time it had arrived,
         And the organ had cum, too,
     We had all of us assembled thar
         To hear what the thing could do.

     Wall, it wuz a gorgeous instrument,
         In a handsome walnut case,
     And thar wuz expectation
         Pictured out on every face;
     Then when Deacon Witherspoon
         Had led us all in prayer,
     The congregation all stood up
         And Old Hundred rent the air.

     Jist then the doin's took a turn,
         Though I'm ashamed to say it,
     We found that old Jim Lawson
         Wuz the only one could play it;
     But Jim, the poor old feller,
         Had one besettin' sin,
     A fondness fer hard cider
         Which he'd bin indulgin' in.

     But he sot down at that organ,
         Planked his feet upon the pedals,
     And he showed us he could play it
         Though he hadn't any medals;
     He dwelt upon the treble
         And he flirted with the base,
     He almost made that organ
         Jump right out of its case.

     Wall, the cider got in old Jim's head
         And in his fingers, too,
     So he played some dancin' music
         And old Yankee Doodle Doo;
     He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon
         And scared poor Sister Morgan,
     And jist busted up the meetin'
         At the unveilin' of the organ.



    Uncle Josh Plays a Game of Base Ball



    I HAD heered a whole lot 'bout them games of
    foot ball they have in New York, so while I
    was thar I jist cum to the conclusion I'd see
    a game of it, so went out to one of their city
    pasters to see a game of foot ball. Wall now
    I must say I didn't see much ball playin' of
    any kind. All I got to see wuz about fifty
    or sixty ambulances, and I think about that
    many surgons and phisicians. Wall, from
    what I could see of the game I calculate
    they needed all of them. I saw one feller
    and 'bout fifty others had him down, and it
    jist looked as though they wuz all trying to
    get a kick at him. They had a half back
    and a quarter back; I suppose when they got
    through with that feller he wuz a hump
    back. Anyhow, if that's what they call foot
    ball playin', your Uncle Josh don't want any
    foot ball in his'n.

    I never played but one game of ball in
    my life that I kin remember on, and don't
    believe that I ever will forgit that. You see it
    wuz along in the spring time of the yeer, and
    the weather wuz purty warm and sunshiny,
    and the boys sed to me, "Uncle, we'd like
    to have you help us play a game of base
    ball." I sed, "Boys, I'm gittin' a little too
    old fer those kinds of passtimes, but I'll help
    you play one game, I'll be durned if I
    don't." Wall, we got out in the paster and
    wuz gittin' ready to play; we got the bases
    and bats put around in thar places, and a
    buckit of drinkin' water up in the fence
    corner, whar we could get a drink when we
    wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers,
    but we had thirty or forty hogs, and they
    wuz the best rooters you ever seen; jist then
    I happened to look around and thar wuz the
    biggest billy goat I ever saw in all my life.
    You ought to seen the boys a-gittin' out of
    the paster; I would hav got out too, but I
    got stuck in the fence. Wall, you ought to
    hav seen that billy goat a-gittin' me through
    the fence. He didn't git me all the way
    through, cos I wuz half way through when
    he got thar; but he got the last half through.
    I didn't make any home run, but I wuz the
    only feller what had a score of the game; I
    couldn't see the score, but I had it. Every
    time I'd go to sot down I knowed jist exactly
    how the game stood.

    They hav a good many new fangled
    games now, but when they git anything that
    can beet a game of base ball with a billy goat
    fer a battery, durned if I don't want to see it.



    The Punkin Centre and Paw Paw Valley Railroad



    WONDERS will never cease--we've got a railroad
    in Punkin Centre now; oh, we're gittin' to be
    right smart cityfied. I guess that's about
    the crookedest railroad that ever wuz bilt.
    I think that railroad runs across itself in one
    or two places; it runs past one station three
    times. It's so durned crooked they hav to
    burn crooked wood in the ingine. Wall,
    the fust ingine they had on the Punkin
    Centre wuz a wonderful piece of masheenery.
    It had a five-foot boiler and a seven-foot
    whissel, and every time they blowed the
    whissel the durned old ingine would stop.

    Wall, we've got the railroad, and we're
    mighty proud of it; but we had an awful
    time a-gittin' it through. You see, most
    everybody give the right of way 'cept Ezra
    Hoskins, and he didn't like to see it go
    through his medder field, and it seemed as
    though they'd hav to go 'round fer quite a
    ways, and maybe they wouldn't cum to Punkin
    Centre at all. Wall, one mornin' Ezra
    saw a lot of fellers down in the medder most
    uncommonly busy like; so he went down to
    them and he sed, "Wat be you a-doin' down
    here?" And they sed, "Wall, Mr. Hoskins,
    we're surveyin' fer the railroad." And Ezra
    sed, "So we're goin' to hav a railroad, be
    we? Is it goin' right through here?" And
    they sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, that's whar it's
    a-goin', right through here." Ezra sed,
    "Wall, I s'pose you'll have a right smart of
    ploughin' and diggin', and you'll jist about
    plow up my medder field, won't ye?" They
    sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we'll hav to do
    some gradin'." Ezra sed, "Wall, now, let
    me see, is it a-goin' jist the way you've got
    that instrument p'inted?" They sed, "Yes,
    sir, jist thar." And Ezra sed, "Wall, near
    as I kin calculate from that, I should jedge
    it wuz a-goin' right through my barn."
    They sed, "Yes, Mr. Hoskins, we're sorry,
    but the railroad is a-goin' right through your
    barn."

    Wall, Ezra didn't say much fer quite a
    spell, and we all expected thar would be
    trouble; but finally he sed, "Wall, I s'pose
    the community of Punkin Centre needs a
    railroad and I hadn't oughter offer any objections
    to its goin' through, but I'm goin'
    to tell ye one thing right now, afore you go
    any further. When you git it bilt and a-runnin',
    you've got to git a man to cum down
    here and take keer on it, cos it's a-cumin'
    along hayin' and harvestin' time, and I'll be
    too durned busy to run down here and open
    and shet them barn doors every time one of
    your pesky old trains wants to go through."

    ----

    Love--An indescribable longing, something that existed
    since Mother Eve was in the apple trust, and will
    exist until the end of time. Somethin' that no man has
    ever yet defined or ever will define. A somethin' that
    is past all description. Which will make a hired man
    fergit to do the chores, and will make an old man act
    boyish, and will make a woman show herself to be
    stronger than the strongest man. Gosh durn it, an
    indescribable somethin' that has never yet bin described.
                                   --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Uncle Josh on a Bicycle



    A LONG last summer Ruben Hoskins, that is Ezra
    Hoskins' boy, he cum home from college and
    bro't one of them new fangled bisickle masheens
    hum with him, and I think ever since
    that time the whole town of Punkin Centre
    has got the bisickle fever. Old Deacon
    Witherspoon he's bin a-ridin' a bisickle to
    Sunday school, and Jim Lawson he couldn't
    ride one of them 'cause he's got a wooden
    leg; but he jist calculated if he could git it
    hitched up to the mowin' masheen, he could
    cut more hay with it than any man in Punkin
    Centre. Somebody sed Si Pettingill wuz
    tryin' to pick apples with a bisickle.

    Wall, all our boys and girls are ridin'
    bisickles now, and nothin' would do but I
    must learn how to ride one of them. Wall,
    I didn't think very favorably on it, but in
    order to keep peace in the family I told them
    I would learn. Wall, gee whilikee, by gum.
    I wish you had bin thar when I commenced.
    I took that masheen by the horns and I led
    it out into the middle of the road, and I
    got on it sort of unconcerned like, and
    then I got off sort of unconcerned like.
    Wall, I sot down a minnit to think it
    over, and then the trouble commenced.
    I got on that durned masheen and it
    jumped up in the front and kicked up behind,
    and bucked up in the middle, and
    shied and balked and jumped sideways,
    and carried on worse 'n a couple of steers
    the fust time they're yoked. Wall, I managed
    to hang on fer a spell, and then I went
    up in the air and cum down all over that bisickle.
    I fell on top of it and under it and
    on both sides of it; I fell in front of the
    front wheel and behind the hind wheel at
    the same time. Durned if I know how I
    done it but I did. I run my foot through
    the spokes, and put about a hundred and
    fifty punctures in a hedge fence, and skeered
    a hoss and buggy clar off the highway. I
    done more different kinds of tumblin' than
    any cirkus performer I ever seen in my life,
    and I made more revolutions in a fifteen-foot
    circle than any buzz-saw that ever wuz invented.
    Wall, I lost the lamp, I lost the
    clamp, I lost my patience, I lost my temper,
    I lost my self-respect, my last suspender button
    and my standin' in the community. I
    broke the handle bars, I broke the sprockets,
    I broke the ten commandments, I broke
    my New Year's pledge and the law agin loud
    and abusive language, and Jim Lawson got
    so excited he run his wooden leg through a
    knot-hole in the porch and couldn't git it
    out agin. Wall, I'm through with it; once
    is enough fer me. You kin all ride your
    durned old bisickles that want to, but fer my
    part I'd jist as soon stand up and walk as to
    sit down and walk. No more bisickles fer
    your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it, and
    your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how
    he do.

    ----

    Notoriety--A next door neighbor to glory, but another
    way of gittin' it. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    A Baptizin' at the Hickory Corners Church



    A LONG about two summers ago we had a baptizin'
    at the Hickory Corners Church, and before the
    baptizin' we had preachin', and before the preachin'
    we had Sunday school. Wall now, some of them
    questions and answers in that Sunday school jist
    made me snicker right out loud. You see, old
    Deacon Witherspoon wuz a-teachin' the
    Sunday school class, and he sed, "Now let
    me see what little boy can tell me who slew
    the Philistines and whar at?" Wall, no one
    sed anything fer about a minnit, then a little
    red-headed feller down at the foot of the
    class sed, "Commodore Dewey, at Manila."
    The Deacon sed, "No, Henry, it wasn't
    Commodore Dewey what slew the Philistines,
    it wuz Sampson." Another little feller
    sed, "No, Deacon, I think you've sort of
    got it mixed up; he wasn't there; Schley is
    the feller what done the job, at Santiague."
    The Deacon sed, "Now, boys, you've bin
    readin' too much about them war doin's in
    the papers. Now what little boy can tell
    me what is the first commandment?" And
    Ezra Hoskins' boy sed, "Remember the
    main." Gosh, I had to go right out of the
    meetin' house, whar I could have a good
    laugh. Wall, I wouldn't have bin down
    thar in the fust place, or the second place,
    fer that matter, if it hadn't bin fer old Jim
    Lawson. You see, Jim he's a peculiar old
    critter. He's got one eye out; lost it lookin'
    fer a pension, I believe. Wall, Jim he cum
    over to my house and he sed, "Josh, let's
    you and me go down to the baptizin'." I
    sed, "What do you want to go down thar
    fer, Jim; you can't git any pension thar, kin
    ye?" Jim sed, "Wall, you see, Josh, thar
    wuz a pedler left some hymn books at my
    house, and I want to go down thar and see
    if I can't sell 'em." Wall, we hadn't bin
    thar more 'n a minnit when Jim he told the
    minister he had the hymn books to sell, and
    the minister sed he'd tell the congregation
    all about it. Then Jim he sot right down in
    the meetin' house and went to sleep; and
    then he went to snorin'; you could hear him
    clar across a forty acre lot. I wouldn't
    a-keered a gosh durn, but he woke me up
    Wall, about the time the minister wuz a-gittin'
    through with his sermon, he sed, "Now
    all members of the congregation having
    babies here to-day and wantin' of them baptized
    after the sermon is over, bring them
    up to the pulpit and I will baptize them."
    Wall, Jim he woke up about that time, and
    be thought the minister wuz a-talkin' about
    his hymn books; so he stood up and sed,
    "Now all you folks what ain't got any I'll
    let ye have 'em, twenty-five cents apiece."

    ----

    Religion--Any one man's opinion, but consists
    mainly of doing right. --Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Reminiscence of My Railroad Days



    Dedicated to Engineer John Hoolihan, Pittsburg and
    Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburg, Pa.

     WALL, John, I read your poetry,
         And laughed till I nearly cried,
     Seein' how you became an engineer,
         And got on the right hand side.
     It made me think of the days gone by,
         When I wuz one of you fellers, too,
     What used to run an old machine,
         And go tootin' the country through.
     But the engine that I had then, John,
         Wuz far from a "Nancy Hanks;"
     She wuz old and worn and loggy,
         And jist chuck full of pranks;
     And she wuz wonderfully got up, John,
         Full of bolts and valves and knobs,
     And the boiler wouldn't hold water;
         Gosh, it wouldn't hold cobs.

     But I wuz younger then, John,
         And I didn't care a cuss;
     So I'd pull the throttle open
         And jist let her wheeze and fuss.
     The road that I wuz a-runnin' on
         Wuz out in the woolly west;
     Two streaks of rust and the right of way
         Wuz puttin' it at its best.
     So we sort of plugged along, John.
         And didn't put on any frills,
     Never thought of doin' anything
         But doublin' all the hills.
     I tell you those were rocky times,
         And we hadn't no air brake;
     And fifteen miles an hour, John,
         Wuz durn good time to make.

     And thar wuz as good a lot of boys
         As you could meet with anywhere;
     Rough and ready open up,
         And always on the square.
     And I'd like to see them all again,
         And grasp each honest hand;
     But some of them, like me, have quit,
         Some have gone to another land.
     I have changed somewhat since then, John,
         Jist a little more steady grown;
     But I often think of my railroad days
         As the happiest ones I've known.
     And, John, I often watch the train.
         As they go whizzing by;
     As I think of Bill, or Jim, or Jack,
         Thar's a tear comes in my eye.

     Perhaps you'd like to know, John,
         Just why I quit the rail,
     And as some feller one time sed,
         "Thereby hangs a tale."
     I wuz goin' along one night, John,
         At a purty lively rate,
     The old machine a-doin' her best,
         And me forty minutes late,
     When all at once there came a crash,
         I felt the old track yield,
     And fireman, machine and I
         Went into a farmer's field.
     There's little more to say, John,
         They laid me up for repairs,
     But my fireman, poor fellow,
         Hadn't time to say his prayers.

     So now you have my story, John;
         Still, you don't know how it feels
     To know you've got to plug around
         On a couple of flat wheels.
     But it doesn't bother me, John,
         Gosh, not fer a minnit;
     I'm as happy as the day is long,
         And feel jist strictly in it.
     But sometimes I like to meet the boys,
         And talk them days all over,
     And I feel as gay and chipper
         As a calf in a field of clover
     But the happiest days I've known, John,
         The ones that to me see best,
     Wuz when I run an old machine
         Way out in the woolly west.

    ----

    Glory--Gittin' killed and not gittin' paid fer it.
                                      Punkin Centre Philosophy.



    Uncle Josh at a Circus



    WALL, 'long last year, 'bout harvest time, thar
    wuz a cirkus cum to Punkin Centre, and I think
    the whole population turned out to see it. They
    cum paradin' into town, the bands a-playin'
    and banners flying, and animals pokin' their
    heads out of the cages, and all sorts of jim
    cracks. Deacon Witherspoon sed they wuz a sinful
    lot of men and wimmin, and no one aughter go and
    see them, but seein' as how they wuz thar, he
    alowed he'd take the children and let them
    see the lions and tigers and things. Si Pettingill
    remarked, "Guess the Deacon won't put blinders
    on himself when he gits thar." We noticed afterwards
    that the Deacon had a front seat whar he could see
    and hear purty well.

    Wall, I sed to Ezra Hoskins, "Let's you
    and me go down to the cirkus," and Ezra
    sed, "All right, Joshua." So we got on our
    store clothes, our new boots, and put some
    money in our pockits, and went down to the
    cirkus. Wall, I never seen any one in my
    life cut up more fool capers than Ezra did.
    We got in whar the animals wuz, and Ezra
    he walked around the elefant three or four
    times, and then he sed, "By gum, Josh,
    that's a durned handy critter--he's got two
    tails, and he's eatin' with one and keepin'
    the flies off with t'other." Durned old fool!
    Wall, we went on a little ways further, and
    all to onct Ezra he sed, "Geewhiz, Josh,
    thar's Steve Jenkins over thar in one of
    them cages." I sed, "Cum along you silly
    fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins." Ezra sed,
    "Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve
    Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty
    near raised Steve." Wall, we went over to
    the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin'
    only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted
    to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked
    like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of
    pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's
    family a long ways back.

    Wall then we went into whar they wuz
    havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two
    old codgers jist about busted our buttins
    a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut
    up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot
    down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith;
    and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks.
    She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted
    critter," and that clown he jist up and yelled
    to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in
    him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy
    she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall,
    they brought a trick mule into the ring, and
    the ring master sed he'd give any one five
    dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben
    Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with
    four legs what had hair on. So he got into
    the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben
    and chased him 'round that ring so fast
    Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other
    side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to
    git out of thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss
    back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy
    Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter to cum
    out thar without clothes enough on her to
    dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed
    that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all
    alowed it, whatever he meant. And then
    that silly old clown he told the ring master
    that his uncle committed sooiside different
    than any man what ever committed sooiside;
    and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did
    your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly
    old clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his
    ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang
    an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a
    long time; went something like this:

     From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles,
         From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles,
     From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown
              to Widdletown,
     Take it all together and its fifteen miles.


    He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen.
    Wall, I noticed a feller a rummagin' 'round
    among the benches as though he might
    a-lost somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister,
    did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?"
    He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if
    you find it I'll give you two dollars." Wall,
    I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them
    cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin'
    I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit
    and give it to him; and the durned fool
    didn't know but what it wuz the same one
    that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of
    his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell
    you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin
    Centre.



    Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him



    I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to
    go home, that all you folks would be down
    here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now,
    that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it
    ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now;
    I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I
    kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks
    have made it purty warm fer me since I've
    bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed
    it 'bout as much as you have.

    I'd like to have you all cum down to
    Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this
    summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do.
    Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine,
    huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other
    things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in
    my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a
    flyin' squirrel.

    I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm
    last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I
    sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer
    me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it
    so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of
    it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I
    sent him out in the garden to plant some
    pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist
    seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss
    sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters
    right alongside of each other, and the
    unyuns got into the pertaters' eyes and they
    couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun
    down home onct in a while. I calculate
    I've got the funnyest lot of chickens you
    ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens
    and they lay an egg every day; but they
    don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes
    every one of them is roosters. I had one
    old hen, she went into the woodshed and sot
    down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had
    another one sottin' on a door knob, tryin' to
    hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't.
    While she wuz a-sottin' there along cum a
    rooster, and he sed, "We're having a little
    party down behind the barn; will you dance
    with me this set?" and she sed, "No, sir,
    I'm engaged to his nobs for this set." Gosh,
    I wuz afraid to go out in the barnyard one
    while, cos one day when I wuz out thar I
    heerd a hen say to a rooster, "Thar's that
    old gray-headed cuss we've bin a-layin' fer."

    Guess that's my train; s'pose I'll have to
    be a-goin'; good-bye; cum down and see
    me some time if you kin, ev'ry one of ye;
    cum down about apple-butter time and jist
    butt in--good bye.



    Yosemite Jim, or a Tale of the Great White Death



     YOSEMITE JIM wuz the name he had,
         And he came from no one knowed whar;
     Quiet, easy goin' sort of a cuss,
         And wuz reckoned on the squar'.
     Ridin' a route for the Wells Fargo folks
         May have made him stern and grim;
     But thar wasn't a man that crossed the divide
         But 'ud swar by Yosemite Jim.

     He wa'n't one of the regular sort
         What you'd meet thar any day,
     But as near as the camp could figure it out,
         In a show down he'd likely stay.
     A shambling, awkward figure,
         Rawboned, tall and slim,
     And his schaps and togs in general
         Jist looked like they'd fell on him.

     I wuz somewhat of a tenderfoot then,
         Hadn't jist got the lay of the land;
     Thar wuz a good many things in them thar parts
         As I couldn't quite understand.
     But I took a likin' to Yosemite Jim,
         Wuz with him on my very first trick;
     And from that time on I stuck to him
         Like a kitten to a good warm brick.

     Our headquarters then wuz the valley camp,
         It wuz down by the redwood way,
      With Chaparel across the spur,
         'Bout fifty miles away.
     Wall, what I'm goin' to tell you, pard,
         Happened thar whar the trail runs into the sky;
     And if it hadn't a-bin fer Yosemite Jim,
         Wall, I'd be countin' my chips on high.

     The galoot that wuz punchin' the broncos fer me
         Wuz a greaser from down Monterey;
     And Jim used to say, "Keep your eye on him, pard,
         I don't think he's cum fer to stay;
     His eyes are too shifty and yeller,
         And his face is sullen and hard;
     And 'taint that so much as a feelin' I have;
         Anyhow, keep your eye on him, pard."

     One day when the mercury wuz way out of sight,
         And the frost it wuz on every nail,
     With jist the mail sack and specie box,
         The greaser and I hit the trail.
     We picked two passengers up at Big Pine,
         And while the broncos were changed that day
     I noticed them havin' a sneakin' chat
         With the greaser from down Monterey.

     Did you ever hear tell of the Great White Death,
         That creeps down the mountain side,
     Leavin' behind it a ghastly track
         Whar those who have met it died?
     Wall, pard, as true as I'm a-livin',
         No man wants to see it twice;
     White and grim as a funeral shroud,
         A mass of mist and ice.

     Wall, we hadn't got far from the Big Pine relay
         When my hair it commenced to rise,
     For I saw across by the Lone Bear spur
         A cloud of most monstrous size.
     And the greaser acted sort of peculiar,
         And the broncos commenced to neigh;
     Wall, some thoughts went through my mind jist then
         I won't forgit till my dyin' day.

     In less time than it takes to tell it,
         We were into the Great White Death,
     With its millions of frozen snowflakes
         A-takin' away our breath.
     And jist then somethin' happened, pard,
         The greaser from down Monterey
     Tried to sneak off with the specie box,
         Along with the passengers from Big Pine relay.

     All at once a figure on hossback
         Cum a-whoopin' it down the trail,
     And bullets from out of a Winchester
         Commenced to fly like hail.
     The greaser and them two passengers
         Cashed in their chips to him,
     Fer the feller what wuz doin' the shootin'
         Wuz my friend, Yosemite Jim.

     Wall, we planted them thar together,
         When the cloud had passed away;
     And all they've got fer a tombstone
         Is the mountains, dull and gray.
     So, pard, let's take one together,
         And I'll drink a toast to him,
     Fer though he wuz rough and ready,
         He'd a heart, YOSEMITE JIM.


    The Great White Death, so named by the Indians,
    occurs in the higher altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra
    Nevada Mountains. It is almost indescribable. It might
    properly be termed a frozen fog. It has the effect of
    bringing on acute congestion of the lungs, from which
    few rarely recover. Viewed at a distance it is a magnificent
    sight, each and every particle of the frozen moisture
    being a miniature prism, which reflects the sun's rays in
    a manner once seen never to be forgotten.--By CAL.
    STEWART, formerly Overland Messenger for the Wells-
    Fargo Express Company.



    Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston



    FER a long time I had my mind made up to go
    down to Boston, so a short time ago, as I had
    all my crops and produce mostly sold, I alowed
    it would be a good time to go down thar, and
    I sed to mother, "I'll start early in
    the mornin' and take a load of produce with
    me, and that will sort of pay expenses of the
    trip."

    Wall, I got into Boston next mornin'
    bright and early, 'bout time they had their
    breakfast, and I looked 'round fer a spell;
    then finally I picked out a right likely lookin'
    store, and jist conclooded I'd sell my load
    of produce thar. Wall, I went in and I met
    a feller 'nd I sed, "Good mornin', be you
    the storekeeper?" And he sed, "No, sir,
    I'm only one of the clerks." So I sed,
    "Wall, be the storekeeper to hum?" And
    he sed, "Yes, sir, would you like to see
    him?" And I told him as how I would, and
    he turned 'round and commenced to hollerin'
    "FRONT," and a boy cum up what had
    more brass buttins on him than a whole
    regiment of soljers. I thought that wuz a
    durned funny name fer a boy--front--and
    that clerk feller he wuz about the most
    importent thing I'd seen in Boston so far, less
    maybe it wuz the Bunker Hill monument
    that I druv past cummin' to town. He had
    on a biled collar that sort of put me in mind
    of the whitewashed fence 'round the fair
    grounds down hum. I'll bet if he'd ever
    sneeze it would cut his ears off.

    Wall, anyhow, he sed to that front boy,
    "Show the gentleman to the proprietor's
    offis." Wall, I went along with that boy,
    and presently we cum to a place in one corner
    of that store; it wuz made out of iron
    and had bars in front of the winders, and
    looked like the county jale. The front boy
    p'inted to a man and sed, "Go in," and I
    sed, "I gessed I wouldn't go in thar, cos I
    hadn't done anything to be locked up fer."
    And that front boy commenced to laffin' tho'
    durned if I could see what he wuz a-laffin'
    about, and the storekeeper he opened the
    door and cum out, and he sed, "Good mornin',
    what can I do fer you?" I sed, "Be
    you the storekeeper?" and he sed he wuz.
    So I sed, "Do you want to buy any pertaters?"
    And he sed, "No, sir, we don't buy
    pertaters here; this a dry goods store." So
    I sed, "Wall, don't want any cabbage, do
    ye?" And he sed, "No, sir, this is a dry
    goods store." So I sed, "Wall, now, I
    want to know; do you need any onions?"
    And by chowder, he got madder 'n a wet
    hen. He sed, "Now look a-heer, I want
    you to understand onct fer all, this is a dry
    goods store, and we don't buy anything but
    dry goods and don't sell anything but dry
    goods; do you understand me now? DRY
    GOODS." And I sed, "Yes, gess I understand
    you; you don't need to git so tarnaly
    riled about the matter; neer as I can figure
    it out you jist buy dry goods and sell 'em."
    And he sed, "Yes, sir, only dry goods."
    So I sed, "Do you want to buy some mighty
    good dried apples?"

    Wall, that front boy got to laffin, and a
    lot of wimmin clerks giggled right out, and
    the storekeeper he commenced a-laffin',
    too, and fer about a minnit I thought they'd
    all went crazy to onct. Wall, he told a feller
    to show me whar I could sell my produce, and I
    disposed of it at a good bargain.

    I like them Boston folks, they try to
    make you feel to hum, and enjoy yourself
    and be soshable, and I wuz chuck full of
    soshability, too; I wuz goin' up one street
    and down t'other, jist a-gettin' soshability at
    ten cents a soshable.

    Wall, I gess I seen about everything wuth
    seein' in Boston, and I wuz a-standin' along-
    side of one of their old churches, a-lookin' at
    the semetry, and I gess thar wuz folks in
    thar burried nigh unto three hundred years.
    And I wuz jist a-thinkin' what they'd say if
    they could wake up and see Boston now,
    when I noticed a row of little toomstones,
    and one of them it sed, "Hester Brown, beloved
    wife of James Brown," and on another
    it sed, "Prudence Brown, beloved wife of
    James Brown," and on another it sed,
    "Thankful Brown, beloved wife of James
    Brown." Wall, I couldn't jist make out
    what she had to be thankful about, but I sed,
    "Jimmy, you had a right lively time while
    you wuz in Boston, didn't you?" Then I
    seen another toomstone and on it it sed,
    "Matilda Brown, beloved wife of James
    Brown," and another one what sed,

    "Sara Ann Brown, beloved wife of James
    Brown," and over in a little corner, all to
    itself, I seen a toomstone, and on it it sed,
    "James Brown, At Rest."



    Who Marched in Sixty-One



    CAL STEWART, New York, Memorial Day, 1903.

     I'VE jist bin down at the corner, mother,
         To see the boys in line,
     Dressed up in their bran' new uniforms,
         I tell you they looked fine.
     And as they marched past whar I stood,
         To the rattle of the drum,
     It made me think of those other boys
         Who marched in sixty-one.

     The old flag wuz proudly wavin', mother,
         Jist as it did one day
     When you stood thar to say good-bye,
         And watch me march away.
     So I stood thar and watched them
         Till the parade wuz nearly done,
     But thar wasn't many thar to-day
         Who marched in sixty-one.

     And thar wuz my old Captain
         And the Colonel side by side,
     And as they both saluted me
         I jist sot down and cried.
     And I thought about some other boys
         Whose work has long bin done;
     Soon thar won't be any left at all
         Who marched in sixty one.

     I heered the band play Dixie,
         And my old heart swelled with pride,
     A-thinkin' of the boys in gray
         Who marched on the other side.
     And when my time it comes, mother,
         The Lord's will it be done,
     I hope he'll take me to the boys
         Who marched in sixty-one.