Every Man Out Of His Humour
Ben Johson
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THE STAGE. After the second sounding.
ACT I
ACT II
ACT III
ACT IV
ACT V
Prepared Down Under in Australia by:
Sue Asscher asschers@dingoblue.net.au
Amy E Zelmer a.zelmer@cqu.edu.au
TO THE NOBLEST NURSERIES OF HUMANITY AND LIBERTY IN
THE KINGDOM
THE INNS OF COURT
I UNDERSTAND you, Gentlemen, not your houses: and a worthy
succession of you, to all time, as being born the judges of these
studies. When I wrote this poem, I had friendship with divers in your
societies; who, as they were great names in learning, so they were no
less examples of living. Of them, and then, that I say no more, it
was not despised. Now that the printer, by a doubled charge, thinks
it worthy a longer life than commonly the air of such things doth
promise, I am careful to put it a servant to their pleasures, who are
the inheritors of the first favour born it. Yet, I command it lie not
in the way of your more noble and useful studies to the public: for
so I shall suffer for it. But when the gown and cap is off, and the
lord of liberty reigns, then, to take it in your hands, perhaps may
make some bencher, tincted with humanity, read and not repent him.
By your true honourer,
BEN JONSON.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ASPER, the Presenter.
MACILENTE.
PUNTARVOLO, — his Lady. — Waiting Gent. — Huntsman. — Servingmen. —
Dog and Cat.
CARLO BUFFONE.
FASTIDIOUS BRISK, — Cinedo, his Page.
DELIRO, FALLACE, — Fido, their Servant. — Musicians.
SAVIOLINA.
SORDIDO. — His Hind.
FUNGOSO. — Tailor, Haberdasher, Shoemaker
SOGLIARDO.
SHIFT. — Rustics.
NOTARY.
CLOVE, ORANGE. — A Groom. — Drawers. — Constable, and Officers.
GREX. — CORDATUS — MITIS.
THE CHARACTERS OF THE PERSONS
ASPER, he is of an ingenious and free spirit, eager and constant in
reproof, without fear controlling the world's abuses. One whom no
servile hope of gain, or frosty apprehension of danger, can make to be
a parasite, either to time, place, or opinion.
MACILENTE, a man well parted, a sufficient scholar, and travelled;
who, wanting that place in the world's account which he thinks his
merit capable of, falls into such an envious apoplexy, with which his
judgment is so dazzled and distasted, that he grows violently
impatient of any opposite happiness in another.
PUNTARVOLO, a vain-glorious knight, over-englishing his travels,
and wholly consecrated to singularity; the very Jacob's staff of
compliment; a sir that hath lived to see the revolution of time in
most of his apparel. Of presence good enough, but so palpably
affected to his own praise, that for want of flatterers he commends
himself, to the floutage of his own family. He deals upon returns, and
strange performances, resolving, in despite of public derision, to
stick to his own fashion, phrase, and gesture.
CARLO BUFFONE, a public, scurrilous, and profane jester, that more
swift than Circe, with absurd similes, will transform any person into
deformity. A good feast-hound or banquet-beagle, that will scent you
out a supper some three miles off, and swear to his patrons, damn him!
he came in oars, when he was but wafted over in a sculler. A slave
that hath an extraordinary gift in pleasing his palate, and will swill
up more sack at a sitting than would make all the guard a posset. His
religion is railing, and his discourse ribaldry.
FASTIDIOUS BRISK, a neat, spruce, affecting courtier, one that
wears clothes well, and in fashion; practiseth by his glass how to
salute; speaks good remnants, notwithstanding the base viol and
tobacco; swears tersely and with variety; cares not what lady's favour
he belies, or great man's familiarity: a good property to perfume the
boot of a coach. He will borrow another man's horse to praise, and
backs him as his own. Or, for a need, on foot can post himself into
credit with his merchant, only with the gingle of his spur, and the
jerk of his wand.
DELIRO, a good doting citizen, who, it is thought, might be of the
common-council for his wealth; a fellow sincerely besotted on his own
wife, and so wrapt with a conceit of her perfections, that he simply
holds himself unworthy of her. And, in that hood-wink'd humour, lives
more like a suitor than a husband; standing in as true dread of her
displeasure, as when he first made love to her. He doth sacrifice
two-pence in juniper to her every morning before she rises, and wakes
her with villainous-out-of-tune music, which she out of her contempt
(though not out of her judgment) is sure to dislike.
FALLACE, Deliro's wife, and idol; a proud mincing peat, and as
perverse as he is officious. She dotes as perfectly upon the
courtier, as her husband doth on her, and only wants the face to be
dishonest.
SAVIOLINA, a court-lady, whose weightiest praise is a light wit,
admired by herself, and one more, her servant Brisk.
SORDIDO, a wretched hob-nailed chuff, whose recreation is reading
of almanacks; and felicity, foul weather. One that never pray'd but
for a lean dearth, and ever wept in a fat harvest.
FUNGOSO, the son of Sordido, and a student; one that has revelled
in his time, and follows the fashion afar off, like a spy. He makes
it the whole bent of his endeavours to wring sufficient means from his
wretched father, to put him in the courtiers' cut; at which he
earnestly aims, but so unluckily, that he still lights short a suit.
SOGLIARDO, an essential clown, brother to Sordido, yet so enamoured
of the name of a gentleman, that he will have it, though he buys it.
He comes up every term to learn to take tobacco, and see new motions.
He is in his kingdom when in company where he may be well laughed at.
SHIFT, a thread-bare shark; one that never was a soldier, yet lives
upon lendings. His profession is skeldring and odling, his bank
Paul's, and his warehouse Picthatch. Takes up single testons upon
oaths, till doomsday. Falls under executions of three shillings, and
enters into five-groat bonds. He way-lays the reports of services,
and cons them without book, damning himself he came new from them,
when all the while he was taking the diet in the bawdy-house, or lay
pawned in his chamber for rent and victuals. He is of that admirable
and happy memory, that he will salute one for an old acquaintance that
he never saw in his life before. He usurps upon cheats, quarrels, and
robberies, which he never did, only to get him a name. His chief
exercises are, taking the whiff, squiring a cockatrice, and making
privy searches for imparters.
CLOVE and ORANGE, an inseparable case of coxcombs, city born; the
Gemini, or twins of foppery; that like a pair of wooden foils, are fit
for nothing but to be practised upon. Being well flattered they'll
lend money, and repent when they have done. Their glory is to invite
players, and make suppers. And in company of better rank, to avoid
the suspect of insufficiency, will inforce their ignorance most
desperately, to set upon the understanding of any thing. Orange is
the most humorous of the two, (whose small portion of juice being
squeezed out,) Clove serves to stick him with commendations.
CORDATUS, the author's friend; a man inly acquainted with the scope
and drift of his plot; of a discreet and understanding judgment; and
has the place of a moderator.
MITIS, is a person of no action, and therefore we afford him no
character.
ENTER CORDATUS, ASPER, AND MITIS.
COR. Nay, my dear Asper.
MIT. Stay your mind.
ASP. Away!
Who is so patient of this impious world,
That he can check his spirit, or rein his tongue?
Or who hath such a dead unfeeling sense,
That heaven's horrid thunders cannot wake?
To see the earth crack'd with the weight of sin,
Hell gaping under us, and o'er our heads
Black, ravenous ruin, with her sail-stretch'd wings,
Ready to sink us down, and cover us.
Who can behold such prodigies as these,
And have his lips seal'd up? Not I: my soul
Was never ground into such oily colours,
To flatter vice, and daub iniquity:
But, with an armed and resolved hand,
I'll strip the ragged follies of the time
Naked as at their birth —
COR. Be not too bold.
ASP. You trouble me — and with a whip of steel,
Print wounding lashes in their iron ribs.
I fear no mood stamp'd in a private brow,
When I am pleased t'unmask a public vice.
I fear no strumpet's drugs, nor ruffian's stab,
Should I detect their hateful luxuries:
No broker's usurer's, or lawyer's gripe,
Were I disposed to say, they are all corrupt.
I fear no courtier's frown, should I applaud
The easy flexure of his supple hams.
Tut, these are so innate and popular,
That drunken custom would not shame to laugh,
In scorn, at him, that should but dare to tax 'em:
And yet, not one of these, but knows his works,
Knows what damnation is, the devil, and hell;
Yet hourly they persist, grow rank in sin,
Puffing their souls away in perjurous air,
To cherish their extortion, pride, or lusts.
MIT. Forbear, good Asper; be not like your name.
ASP. O, but to such whose faces are all zeal,
And, with the words of Hercules, invade
Such crimes as these! that will not smell of sin,
But seem as they were made of sanctity!
Religion in their garments, and their hair
Cut shorter than their eye-brows! when the conscience
Is vaster than the ocean, and devours
More wretches than the counters.
MIT. Gentle Asper,
Contain our spirits in more stricter bounds,
And be not thus transported with the violence
Of your strong thoughts.
COX. Unless your breath had power,
To melt the world, and mould it new again,
It is in vain to spend it in these moods.
ASP. [TURNING TO THE STAGE.]
I not observed this thronged round till now !
Gracious and kind spectators, you are welcome;
Apollo and Muses feast your eyes
With graceful objects, and may our Minerva
Answer your hopes, unto their largest strain!
Yet here mistake me not, judicious friends;
I do not this, to beg your patience,
Or servilely to fawn on your applause,
Like some dry brain, despairing in his merit.
Let me be censured by the austerest brow,
Where I want art or judgment, tax me freely.
Let envious censors, with their broadest eyes,
Look through and through me, I pursue no favour;
Only vouchsafe me your attentions,
And I will give you music worth your ears.
O, how I hate the monstrousness of time,
Where every servile imitating spirit,
Plagued with an itching leprosy of wit,
In a mere halting fury, strives to fling
His ulcerous body in the Thespian spring,
And straight leaps forth a poet! but as lame
As Vulcan, or the founder of Cripplegate.
MIT. In faith this humour will come ill to some,
You will be thought to be too peremptory.
ASP. This humour? good! and why this humour, Mitis?
Nay, do not turn, but answer.
MIT. Answer, what?
ASP. I will not stir your patience, pardon me,
I urged it for some reasons, and the rather
To give these ignorant well-spoken days
Some taste of their abuse of this word humour.
COR. O, do not let your purpose fall, good Asper;
It cannot but arrive most acceptable,
Chiefly to such as have the happiness
Daily to see how the poor innocent word
Is rack'd and tortured.
MIT. Ay, I pray you proceed.
ASP. Ha, what? what is't?
COR. For the abuse of humour.
ASP. O, I crave pardon, I had lost my thoughts.
Why humour, as 'tis 'ens', we thus define it,
To be a quality of air, or water,
And in itself holds these two properties,
Moisture and fluxure: as, for demonstration,
Pour water on this floor, 'twill wet and run:
Likewise the air, forced through a horn or trumpet,
Flows instantly away, and leaves behind
A kind of dew; and hence we do conclude,
That whatsoe'er hath fluxure and humidity,
As wanting power to contain itself,
Is humour. So in every human body,
The choler, melancholy, phlegm, and blood,
By reason that they flow continually
In some one part, and are not continent,
Receive the name of humours. Now thus far
It may, by metaphor, apply itself
Unto the general disposition:
As when some one peculiar quality
Doth so possess a man, that it doth draw
All his affects, his spirits, and his powers,
In their confluctions, all to run one way,
This may be truly said to be a humour
But that a rook, by wearing a pyed feather,
The cable hat-band, or the three-piled ruff,
A yard of shoe-tye, or the Switzer's knot
On his French garters, should affect a humour!
O, it is more than most ridiculous.
COR. He speaks pure truth; now if an idiot
Have but an apish or fantastic strain,
It is his humour.
ASP. Well, I will scourge those apes,
And to these courteous eyes oppose a mirror,
As large as is the stage whereon we act;
Where they shall see the time's deformity
Anatomised in every nerve, and sinew,
With constant courage, and contempt of fear.
MIT. Asper, (I urge it as your friend,) take heed,
The days are dangerous, full of exception,
And men are grown impatient of reproof.
ASP. Ha, ha!
You might as well have told me, yond' is heaven,
This earth, these men, and all had moved alike. —
Do not I know the time's condition?
Yes, Mitis, and their souls; and who they be
That either will or can except against me.
None but a sort of fools, so sick in taste,
That they contemn all physic of the mind,
And like gall'd camels, kick at every touch.
Good men, and virtuous spirits, that loath their vices,
Will cherish my free labours, love my lines,
And with the fervour of their shining grace
Make my brain fruitful, to bring forth more objects,
Worthy their serious and intentive eyes.
But why enforce I this? as fainting? no.
If any here chance to behold himself,
Let him not dare to challenge me of wrong;
For, if he shame to have his follies known,
First he should shame to act 'em: my strict hand
Was made to seize on vice, and with a gripe
Squeeze out the humour of such spongy souls,
As lick up every idle vanity.
COR. Why, this is right furor poeticus!
Kind gentlemen, we hope your patience
Will yet conceive the best, or entertain
This supposition, that a madman speaks.
ASP. What, are you ready there? Mitis, sit down,
And my Cordatus. Sound ho! and begin.
I leave you two, as censors, to sit here:
Observe what I present, and liberally
Speak your opinions upon every scene,
As it shall pass the view of these spectators.
Nay, now y'are tedious, sirs; for shame begin.
And, Mitis, note me; if in all this front
You can espy a gallant of this mark,
Who, to be thought one of the judicious,
Sits with his arms thus wreath'd, his hat pull'd here,
Cries mew, and nods, then shakes his empty head,
Will shew more several motions in his face
Than the new London, Rome, or Niniveh,
And, now and then, breaks a dry biscuit jest,
Which, that it may more easily be chew'd,
He steeps in his own laughter.
COR. Why, will that
Make it be sooner swallowed?
ASP. O, assure you.
Or if it did not, yet as Horace sings,
Mean cates are welcome still to hungry guests.
COR. 'Tis true; but why should we observe them, Asper?
ASP. O, I would know 'em; for in such assemblies
They are more infectious than the pestilence:
And therefore I would give them pills to purge,
And make them fit for fair societies.
How monstrous and detested is't to see
A fellow that has neither art nor brain,
Sit like an Aristarchus, or start ass,
Taking men's lines with a tobacco face,
In snuff still spitting, using his wry'd looks,
In nature of a vice, to wrest and turn
The good aspect of those that shall sit near him,
From what they do behold! O, 'tis most vile.
MIT. Nay, Asper.
ASP. Peace, Mitis, I do know your thought;
You'll say, your guests here will except at this:
Pish! you are too timorous, and full of doubt.
Then he, a patient, shall reject all physic,
'Cause the physician tells him, you are sick:
Or, if I say, that he is vicious,
You will not hear of virtue. Come, you are fond.
Shall I be so extravagant, to think,
That happy judgments, and composed spirits,
Will challenge me for taxing such as these?
I am ashamed.
COR. Nay, but good, pardon us;
We must not bear this peremptory sail,
But use our best endeavours how to please.
ASP. Why, therein I commend your careful thoughts,
And I will mix with you in industry
To please: but whom? attentive auditors,
Such as will join their profit with their pleasure,
And come to feed their understanding parts:
For these I'll prodigally spread myself,
And speak away my spirit into air;
For these, I'll melt my brain into invention,
Coin new conceits, and hang my richest words
As polish'd jewels in their bounteous ears?
But stay, I lose myself, and wrong their patience:
If I dwell here, they'll not begin, I see.
Friends, sit you still, and entertain this troop
With some familiar and by-conference,
I'll hast them sound. Now, gentlemen, I go
To turn an actor, and a humorist,
Where, ere I do resume my present person,
We hope to make the circles of your eyes
Flow with distilled laughter: if we fail,
We must impute it to this only chance,
Art hath an enemy call'd ignorance.
[EXIT.
COR. How do you like his spirit, Mitis?
MIT. I should like it much better, if he were less
confident.
COR. Why, do you suspect his merit?
MIT. No; but I fear this will procure him much envy.
COR. O, that sets the stronger seal on his desert: if he
had no enemies,
I should esteem his fortunes most wretched at this instant.
MIT. You have seen his play, Cordatus: pray you, how is it?
COR. Faith, sir, I must refrain to judge; only this I can
say of it, 'tis
strange, and of a particular kind by itself, somewhat like 'Vetus
Comoedia'; a work that hath bounteously pleased me; how it will
answer the
general expectation, I know not.
MIT. Does he observe all the laws of comedy in it?
COR. What laws mean you?
MIT. Why, the equal division of it into acts and scenes,
according to the
Terentian manner; his true number of actors; the furnishing of the
scene
with Grex or Chorus, and that the whole argument fall within
compass of a
day's business.
COR. O no, these are too nice observations.
MIT. They are such as must be received, by your favour, or
it cannot be
authentic.
COR. Troth, I can discern no such necessity.
MIT. No!
COR. No, I assure you, signior. If those laws you speak of
had been
delivered us 'ab initio', and in their present virtue and
perfection, there
had been some reason of obeying their powers; but 'tis extant,
that that
which we call 'Comoedia', was at first nothing but a simple and
continued
song, sung by one only person, till Susario invented a second;
after him,
Epicharmus a third; Phormus and Chionides devised to have four
actors, with
a prologue and chorus; to which Cratinus, long after, added a
fifth and
sixth: Eupolis, more; Aristophanes, more than they; every man in
the
dignity of his spirit and judgment supplied something. And,
though that in
him this kind of poem appeared absolute, and fully perfect, yet
how is the
face of it changed since, in Menander, Philemon, Cecilius,
Plautus, and the
rest! who have utterly excluded the chorus, altered the property
of the
persons, their names, and natures, and augmented it with all
liberty,
according to the elegancy and disposition of those times wherein
they
wrote. I see not then, but we should enjoy the same license, or
free power
to illustrate and heighten our invention, as they did; and not be
tied to
those strict and regular forms which the niceness of a few, who
are nothing
but form, would thrust upon us.
MIT. Well, we will not dispute of this now; but what's his
scene?
COR. Marry, 'Insula Fortunata', sir.
MIT. O, the Fortunate Island: mass, he has bound himself
to a strict law
there.
COR. Why so?
MIT. He cannot lightly alter the scene, without crossing
the seas.
COR. He needs not, having a whole island to run through, I
think.
MIT. No! how comes it then, that in some one play we see
so many seas,
countries, and kingdoms, passed over with such admirable dexterity?
COR. O, that but shews how well the authors can travel in
their vocation,
and outrun the apprehension of their auditory. But, leaving this,
I would
they would begin at once: this protraction is able to sour the
best-settled patience in the theatre.
[THE THIRD SOUNDING.
MIT. They have answered your wish, sir; they sound.
COR. O, here comes the Prologue.
[ENTER PROLOGUE.
Now, sir, if you had staid a little longer, I meant to have spoke
your
prologue for you i'faith.
PROL. Marry, with all my heart, sir, you shall do it yet,
and I thank you.
[GOING.
COR. Nay, nay, stay, stay; hear you?
PROL. You could not have studied to have done me a greater
benefit at the
instant; for I protest to you, I am unperfect, and, had I spoke
it, I must
of necessity have been out.
COR. Why, but do you speak this seriously?
PROL. Seriously! ay, wit's my help, do I; and esteem
myself indebted to
your kindness for it.
COR. For what?
PROL. Why, for undertaking the prologue for me.
COR. How! did I undertake it for you?
PROL. Did you! I appeal to all these gentlemen, whether
you did or no.
Come, come, it pleases you to cast a strange look on't now; but
'twill not
serve.
COR. 'Fore me, but it must serve; and therefore speak your
prologue.
PROL. An I do, let me die poisoned with some venomous hiss,
and never live
to look as high as the two-penny room again.
[EXIT.
MIT. He has put you to it, sir.
COR. 'Sdeath, what a humorous fellow is this! Gentlemen,
good faith I can
speak no prologue, howsoever his weak wit has had the fortune to
make this
strong use of me here before you: but I protest —
[ENTER CARLO BUFFONE, FOLLOWED BY A BOY WITH WINE.
CAR. Come, come, leave these fustian protestations; away,
come, I cannot
abide these grey-headed ceremonies. Boy, fetch me a glass
quickly, I may
bid these gentlemen welcome; give them a health here. [EXIT BOY.]
I
mar'le whose wit it was to put a prologue in yond' sackbut's
mouth; they
might well think he'd be out of tune, and yet you'd play upon him
too.
COR. Hang him, dull block!
CAR. O, good words, good words; a well-timber'd fellow, he
would have made
a good column, an he had been thought on, when the house was a
building —
[RE-ENTER BOY WITH GLASSES..
O, art thou come? Well said; give me, boy; fill so! Here's a cup
of wine
sparkles like a diamond. Gentlewomen (I am sworn to put them in
first) and
gentlemen, around, in place of a bad prologue, I drink this good
draught to
your health here, Canary, the very elixir and spirit of wine.
[DRINKS.]
This is that our poet calls Castalian liquor, when he comes abroad
now and
then, once in a fortnight, and makes a good meal among players,
where he
has 'caninum appetitum'; marry, at home he keeps a good
philosophical diet,
beans and butter-milk; an honest pure rogue, he will take you off
three,
four, five of these, one after another, and look villainously when
he has
done, like a one-headed Cerberus. — He does not hear me, I hope.
— And
then, when his belly is well ballaced, and his brain rigged a
little, he
snails away withal, as though he would work wonders when he comes
home. He
has made a play here, and he calls it, 'Every Man out of his
Humour': but
an he get me out of the humour he has put me in, I'll trust none
of his
tribe again while I live. Gentles, all I can say for him is, you
are
welcome. I could wish my bottle here amongst you; but there's an
old rule,
No pledging your own health. Marry, if any here be thirsty for
it, their
best way (that I know) is, sit still, seal up their lips, and
drink so much
of the play in at their ears.
[EXIT.
MIT. What may this fellow be, Cordatus?
COR. Faith, if the time will suffer his description, I'll
give it you. He
is one, the author calls him Carlo Buffone, an impudent common
jester, a
violent railer, and an incomprehensible epicure; one whose company
is
desired of all men, but beloved of none; he will sooner lose his
soul than
a jest, and profane even the most holy things, to excite laughter:
no
honourable or reverend personage whatsoever can come within the
reach of
his eye, but is turned into all manner of variety, by his
adulterate
similes.
MIT. You paint forth a monster.
COR. He will prefer all countries before his native, and
thinks he can
never sufficiently, or with admiration enough, deliver his
affectionate
conceit of foreign atheistical policies. But stay —
[ENTER MACILENTE.
Observe these: he'll appear himself anon.
MIT. O, this is your envious man, Macilente, I think.
COR. The same, sir.
ENTER MACILENTE, WITH A BOOK.
MACI. "Viri est, fortunae caecitatem facile ferre."
'Tis true; but, Stoic, where, in the vast world,
Doth that man breathe, that can so much command
His blood and his affection? Well, I see
I strive in vain to cure my wounded soul;
For every cordial that my thoughts apply
Turns to a corsive and doth eat it farther.
There is no taste in this philosophy;
'Tis like a potion that a man should drink,
But turns his stomach with the sight of it.
I am no such pill'd Cynick to believe,
That beggary is the only happiness;
Or with a number of these patient fools,
To sing: "My mind to me a kingdom is,"
When the lank hungry belly barks for food,
I look into the world, and there I meet
With objects, that do strike my blood-shot eyes
Into my brain: where, when I view myself,
Having before observ'd this man is great,
Mighty and fear'd; that lov'd and highly favour'd:
A third thought wise and learn'd; a fourth rich,
And therefore honour'd; a fifth rarely featur'd;
A sixth admired for his nuptial fortunes:
When I see these, I say, and view myself,
I wish the organs of my sight were crack'd;
And that the engine of my grief could cast
Mine eyeballs, like two globes of wildfire, forth,
To melt this unproportion'd frame of nature.
Oh, they are thoughts that have transfix'd my heart,
And often, in the strength of apprehension,
Made my cold passion stand upon my face,
Like drops of dew on a stiff cake of ice.
COR. This alludes well to that of the poet,
"Invidus suspirat, gemit, incutitque dentes,
Sudat frigidus, intuens quod odit."
MIT. O, peace, you break the scene.
[ENTER SOGLIARDO AND CARLO BUFFONE.
MACI. Soft, who be these?
I'll lay me down awhile till they be past.
[LIES DOWN.
CAR. Signior, note this gallant, I pray you.
MIT. What is he?
CAR. A tame rook, you'll take him presently; list.
SOG. Nay, look you, Carlo; this is my humour now! I have
land and money,
my friends left me well, and I will be a gentleman whatsoever it
cost me.
CAR. A most gentlemanlike resolution.
SOG. Tut! an I take an humour of a thing once, I am like
your tailor's
needle, I go through: but, for my name, signior, how think you?
will it
not serve for a gentleman's name, when the signior is put to it,
ha?
CAR. Let me hear; how is it?
SOG. Signior Insulso Sogliardo: methinks it sounds well.
CAR. O excellent! tut! an all fitted to your name, you
might very well
stand for a gentleman: I know many Sogliardos gentlemen.
SOG. Why, and for my wealth I might be a justice of peace.
CAR. Ay, and a constable for your wit.
SOG. All this is my lordship you see here, and those farms
you came by.
CAR. Good steps to gentility too, marry: but, Sogliardo,
if you affect to
be a gentleman indeed, you must observe all the rare qualities,
humours,
and compliments of a gentleman.
SOG. I know it, signior, and if you please to instruct, I
am not too good
to learn, I'll assure you.
CAR. Enough, sir. — I'll make admirable use in the
projection of my
medicine upon this lump of copper here. [ASIDE] — I'll bethink
me for
you, sir.
SOG. Signior, I will both pay you, and pray you, and thank
you, and think
on you.
COR. Is this not purely good?
MACI. S'blood, why should such a prick-ear'd hind as this
Be rich, ha? a fool! such a transparent gull
That may be seen through! wherefore should he have land,
Houses, and lordships? O, I could eat my entrails,
And sink my soul into the earth with sorrow.
CAR. First, to be an accomplished gentleman, that is, a
gentleman of the
time, you must give over housekeeping in the country, and live
altogether
in the city amongst gallants: where, at your first appearance,
'twere good
you turn'd four or five hundred acres of your best land into two
or three
trunks of apparel — you may do it without going to a conjurer —
and be
sure you mix yourself still with such as flourish in the spring of
the
fashion, and are least popular; study their carriage and behaviour
in all;
learn to play at primero and passage, and ever (when you lose)
have two or
three peculiar oaths to swear by, that no man else swears: but,
above all,
protest in your play, and affirm, "Upon your credit, As you are a
true gentleman", at every cast; you may do it with a safe conscience, I
warrant you.
SOG. O admirable rare! he cannot choose but be a gentleman
that has these
excellent gifts: more, more, I beseech you.
CAR. You must endeavour to feed cleanly at your ordinary,
sit melancholy,
and pick your teeth when you cannot speak: and
when you come to plays, be humorous, look with a good starch'd
face, and
ruffle your brow like a new boot, laugh at nothing but your own
jests, or
else as the noblemen laugh. That's a special grace you must
observe.
SAG. I warrant you, sir.
CAR. Ay, and sit on the stage and flout, provided you have
a good suit.
SOG. O, I'll have a suit only for that, sir.
CAR. You must talk much of your kindred and allies.
SOG. Lies! no, signior, I shall not need to do so, I have
kindred in the
city to talk of: I have a niece is a merchant's wife; and a
nephew, my
brother Sordido's son, of the Inns of court.
CAR. O, but you must pretend alliance with courtiers and
great persons:
and ever when you are to dine or sup in any strange presence, hire
a fellow
with a great chain, (though it be copper, it's no matter,) to
bring you
letters, feign'd from such a nobleman, or such a knight, or such a
lady,
"To their worshipful, right rare, and nobly qualified friend and
kinsman,
signior Insulso Sogliardo": give yourself style enough. And
there, while
you intend circumstances of news, or enquiry of their health, or
so, one of
your familiars whom you must carry about you still, breaks it up,
as 'twere
in a jest, and reads it publicly at the table: at which you must
seem to
take as unpardonable offence, as if he had torn your mistress's
colours, or
breath'd upon her picture, and pursue it with that hot grace, as
if you
would advance a challenge upon it presently.
SOG. Stay, I do not like that humour of challenge, it may
be accepted; but
I'll tell you what's my humour now, I will do this: I will take
occasion
of sending one of my suits to the tailor's, to have the pocket
repaired, or
so; and there such a letter as you talk of, broke open and all
shall be
left; O, the tailor will presently give out what I am, upon the
reading of
it, worth twenty of your gallants.
CAR. But then you must put on an extreme face of
discontentment at your
man's negligence.
SOG. O, so I will, and beat him too: I'll have a man for
the purpose.
MAC. You may; you have land and crowns: O partial fate!
CAR. Mass, well remember'd, you must keep your men gallant
at the first,
fine pied liveries laid with good gold lace; there's no loss in
it, they
may rip it off and pawn it when they lack victuals.
SOG. By 'r Lady, that is chargeable, signior, 'twill bring
a man in debt.
CAR. Debt! why that's the more for your credit, sir: it's
an excellent
policy to owe much in these days, if you note it.
SOG. As how, good signior? I would fain be a politician.
CAR. O! look where you are indebted any great sum, your
creditor observes
you with no less regard, than if he were bound to you for some huge
benefit, and will quake to give you the least cause of offence,
lest he
lose his money. I assure you, in these
times, no man has his servant more obsequious and pliant, than
gentlemen
their creditors: to whom, if at any time you pay but a moiety, or
a fourth
part, it comes more acceptably than if you gave them a new-year's
gift.
SOG. I perceive you, sir: I will take up, and bring myself
in credit, sure.
CAR. Marry this, always beware you commerce not with
bankrupts, or poor
needy Ludgathians; they are impudent creatures, turbulent spirits,
they
care not what violent tragedies they stir, nor how they play fast
and loose
with a poor gentleman's fortunes, to get their own. Marry, these
rich
fellows that have the world, or the better part of it, sleeping in
their
counting-houses, they are ten times more placable, they; either
fear, hope,
or modesty, restrains them from offering any outrages: but this
is nothing
to your followers, you shall not run a penny more in arrearage for
them, an
you list, yourself.
SOG. No! how should I keep 'em then?
CAR. Keep 'em! 'sblood, let them keep themselves, they are
no sheep, are
they? what, you shall come in houses, where plate, apparel,
jewels, and
divers other pretty commodities lie negligently scattered, and I
would have
those Mercuries follow me, I trow, should remember they had not
their
fingers for nothing.
SOG. That's not so good, methinks.
CAR. Why, after you have kept them a fortnight, or so, and
shew'd them
enough to the world, you may turn them away, and keep no more but
a boy,
it's enough.
SOG. Nay, my humour is not for boys, I'll keep men, an I
keep any; and
I'll give coats, that's my humour: but I lack a cullisen.
CAR. Why, now you ride to the city, you may buy one; I'll
bring you where
you shall have your choice for money.
SOG. Can you, sir?
CAR. O, ay: you shall have one take measure of you, and
make you a coat
of arms to fit you, of what fashion you will.
SOG. By word of mouth, I thank you, signior; I'll be once a
little
prodigal in a humour, i'faith, and have a most prodigious coat.
MAC. Torment and death! break head and brain at once,
To be deliver'd of your fighting issue.
Who can endure to see blind Fortune dote thus?
To be enamour'd on this dusty turf,
This clod, a whoreson puck-fist! O G——!
I could run wild with grief now, to behold
The rankness of her bounties, that doth breed
Such bulrushes; these mushroom gentlemen,
That shoot up in a night to place and worship.
CAR. [SEEING MACILENTE.] Let him alone; some stray, some
stray.
SOG. Nay, I will examine him before I go, sure.
CAR. The lord of the soil has all wefts and strays here,
has he not?
SOG. Yes, sir.
CAR. Faith then I pity the poor fellow, he's fallen into a
fool's hands.
[ASIDE.
SOG. Sirrah, who gave you a commission to lie in my
lordship?
MAC. Your lordship!
SOG. How! my lordship? do you know me, sir?
MAC. I do know you, sir.
CAR. He answers him like an echo.
[ASIDE.
SOG. Why, Who am I, sir?
MAC. One of those that fortune favours.
CAR. The periphrasis of a fool. I'll observe this better.
[ASIDE.
SOG. That fortune favours! how mean you that, friend?
MAC. I mean simply: that you are one that lives not by your wits.
SOG. By my wits! no sir, I scorn to live by my wits, I. I
have better
means, I tell thee, than to take such base courses, as to live by
my wits.
What, dost thou think I live by my wits?
MAC. Methinks, jester, you should not relish this well.
CAR. Ha! does he know me?
MAC. Though yours be the worst use a man can put his wit to, of
thousands,
to prostitute it at every tavern and ordinary; yet, methinks, you
should
have turn'd your broadside at this, and have been ready with an
apology,
able to sink this hulk of ignorance into the bottom and depth of
his
contempt.
CAR. Oh, 'tis Macilente! Signior, you are well
encountered; how is it?
O, we must not regard what he says, man, a trout, a shallow fool,
he has no
more brain than a butterfly, a mere stuft suit; he looks like a
musty
bottle new wicker'd, his head's the cork, light, light! [ASIDE TO
MACILENTE.] — I am glad to see you so well return'd, signior.
MAC. You are! gramercy, good Janus.
SOG. Is he one of your acquaintance? I love him the better
for that.
CAR. Od's precious, come away, man, what do you mean? an
you knew him as
I do, you'd shun him as you would do the plague.
SOG. Why, sir?
CAR. O, he's a black fellow, take heed of him.
SOG. Is he a scholar, or a soldier?
CAR. Both, both; a lean mongrel, he looks as if he were
chop-fallen, with
barking at other men's good fortunes: 'ware how you offend him;
he carries
oil and fire in his pen, will scald where it drops: his spirit is
like
powder, quick, violent; he'll blow a man up with a jest: I fear
him worse
than a rotten wall does the cannon; shake an hour after at the
report.
Away, come not near him.
SOG. For God's sake let's be gone; an he be a scholar, you
know I cannot
abide him; I had as lieve see a cockatrice, specially as
cockatrices go now.
CAR. What, you'll stay, signior? this gentleman Sogliardo,
and I, are to visit the knight Puntarvolo, and from thence to the city;
we shall meet there.
[EXIT WITH SOGLIARDO.
MAC. Ay, when I cannot shun you, we will meet.
'Tis strange! of all the creatures I have seen,
I envy not this Buffone, for indeed
Neither his fortunes nor his parts deserve it:
But I do hate him, as I hate the devil,
Or that brass-visaged monster Barbarism.
O, 'tis an open-throated, black-mouth'd cur,
That bites at all, but eats on those that feed him.
A slave, that to your face will, serpent-like,
Creep on the ground, as he would eat the dust,
And to your back will turn the tail, and sting
More deadly than the scorpion: stay, who's this?
Now, for my soul, another minion
Of the old lady Chance's! I'll observe him.
[ENTER SORDIDO WITH AN ALMANACK IN HIS HAND.
SORD. O rare! good, good, good, good, good!
I thank my stars, I thank my stars for it.
MAC. Said I not true? doth not his passion speak
Out of my divination? O my senses,
Why lost you not your powers, and become
Dull'd, if not deaded, with this spectacle?
I know him, it is Sordido, the farmer,
A boor, and brother to that swine was here.
[ASIDE.
SORD. Excellent, excellent, excellent! as I would wish, as
I would wish.
MAC. See how the strumpet fortune tickles him,
And makes him swoon with laughter, O, O, O!
SORD. Ha, ha, ha! I will not sow my grounds this year.
Let me see, what
harvest shall we have? "June, July?"
MAC. What, is't a prognostication raps him so?
SORD. "The 20, 21, 22 days, rain and wind." O good, good!
"the 23, and
24, rain and some wind," good! "the 25, rain," good still! "26,
27, 28,
wind and some rain"; would it had been rain and some wind! well,
'tis
good, when it can be no better. "29, inclining to rain":
inclining to
rain! that's not so good now: "30, and 31, wind and no rain":
no rain!
'slid, stay: this is worse and worse: What says he of St.
Swithin's?
turn back, look, "saint Swithin's: no rain!"
MAC. O, here's a precious, dirty, damned rogue,
That fats himself with expectation
Of rotten weather, and unseason'd hours;
And he is rich for it, an elder brother!
His barns are full, his ricks and mows well trod,
His garners crack with store! O, 'tis well; ha, ha, ha!
A plague consume thee, and thy house!
SORD. O here, "St. Swithin's, the 15 day, variable weather,
for the most
part rain", good! "for the most part rain": why, it should rain
forty
days after, now, more or less, it was a rule held, afore I was
able to hold
a plough, and yet here are two days no rain; ha! it makes me
muse. We'll
see how the next month begins, if that be better. "August 1, 2,
3, and 4,
days, rainy and blustering:" this is well now: "5, 6, 7, 8, and
9, rainy,
with some thunder;" Ay marry, this is excellent; the other was
false
printed sure: "the 10 and 11, great store of rain"; O good, good,
good,
good, good! "the 12, 13, and 14 days, rain"; good still: "15,
and 16,
rain"; good still: "17 and 18, rain", good still: "19 and 20",
good
still, good still, good still, good still, good still! "21, some
rain";
some rain! well, we must be patient, and attend the heaven's
pleasure,
would it were more though: "the 22, 23, great tempests of rain,
thunder
and lightning".
O good again, past expectation good!
I thank my blessed angel; never, never
Laid I [a] penny better out than this,
To purchase this dear book: not dear for price,
And yet of me as dearly prized as life,
Since in it is contain'd the very life,
Blood, strength, and sinews, of my happiness.
Blest be the hour wherein I bought this book;
His studies happy that composed the book,
And the man fortunate that sold the book!
Sleep with this charm, and be as true to me,
As I am joy'd and confident in thee
[PUTS IT UP.
[ENTER A HIND, AND GIVES SORDIDO A PAPER TO READ.
MAC. Ha, ha, ha!
Is not this good? Is not pleasing this?
Ha, ha, ha! God pardon me! ha, ha!
Is't possible that such a spacious villain
Should live, and not be plagued? or lies be hid
Within the wrinkled bosom of the world,
Where Heaven cannot see him? S'blood! methinks
'Tis rare, and strange, that he should breathe and walk,
Feed with digestion, sleep, enjoy his health,
And, like a boisterous whale swallowing the poor,
Still swim in wealth and pleasure! is't not strange?
Unless his house and skin were thunder proof,
I wonder at it! Methinks, now, the hectic,
Gout, leprosy, or some such loath'd disease,
Might light upon him; of that fire from heaven
Might fall upon his barns; or mice and rats
Eat up his grain; or else that it might rot
Within the hoary ricks, even as it stands:
Methinks this might be well; and after all
The devil might come and fetch him. Ay, 'tis true!
Meantime he surfeits in prosperity,
And thou, in envy of him, gnaw'st thyself:
Peace, fool, get hence, and tell thy vexed spirit,
Wealth in this age will scarcely look on merit.
[RISES AND EXIT.
SORD. Who brought this same, sirrah?
HIND. Marry, sir, one of the justice's men; he says 'tis a
precept, and
all their hands be at it.
SORD. Ay, and the prints of them stick in my flesh,
Deeper than in their letters: they have sent me
Pills wrapt in paper here, that, should I take them,
Would poison all the sweetness of my book,
And turn my honey into hemlock juice.
But I am wiser than to serve their precepts,
Or follow their prescriptions. Here's a device,
To charge me bring my grain unto the markets:
Ay, much! when I have neither barn nor garner,
Nor earth to hid it in, I'll bring 't; till then,
Each corn I send shall be as big as Paul's.
O, but (say some) the poor are like to starve.
Why, let 'em starve, what's that to me? are bees
Bound to keep life in drones and idle moths? no:
Why such are these that term themselves the poor,
Only because they would be pitied,
But are indeed a sort of lazy beggars,
Licentious rogues, and sturdy vagabonds,
Bred by the sloth of a fat plenteous year,
Like snakes in heat of summer, out of dung;
And this is all that these cheap times are good for:
Whereas a wholesome and penurious dearth
Purges the soil of such vile excrements,
And kills the vipers up.
HIND. O, but master,
Take heed they hear you not.
SORD. Why so?
HIND. They will exclaim against you.
SORD. Ay, their exclaims
Move me as much, as thy breath moves a mountain.
Poor worms, they hiss at me, whilst I at home
Can be contented to applaud myself,
To sit and clap my hands, and laugh, and leap,
Knocking my head against my roof, with joy
To see how plump my bags are, and my barns.
Sirrah, go hie you home, and bid your fellows
Get all their flails ready again I come.
HIND. I will, sir.
[EXIT.
SORD. I'll instantly set all my hinds to thrashing
Of a whole rick of corn, which I will hide
Under the ground; and with the straw thereof
I'll stuff the outsides of my other mows:
That done, I'll have them empty all my garners,
And in the friendly earth bury my store,
That, when the searchers come, they may suppose
All's spent, and that my fortunes were belied.
And to lend more opinion to my want,
And stop that many-mouthed vulgar dog,
Which else would still be baying at my door,
Each market-day I will be seen to buy
Part of the purest wheat, as for my household;
Where when it comes, it shall increase my heaps:
'Twill yield me treble gain at this dear time,
Promised in this dear book: I have cast all.
Till then I will not sell an ear, I'll hang first.
O, I shall make my prices as I list;
My house and I can feed on peas and barley.
What though a world of wretches starve the while;
He that will thrive must think no courses vile.
[EXIT.
COR. Now, signior, how approve you this? have the
humourists exprest
themselves truly or no?
MIT. Yes, if it be well prosecuted, 'tis hitherto happy
enough: but
methinks Macilente went hence too soon; he might have been made to
stay,
and speak somewhat in reproof of Sordido's wretchedness now at the
last.
COR. O, no, that had been extremely improper; besides, he
had continued
the scene too long with him, as 'twas, being in no more action.
MIT. You may inforce the length as a necessary reason; but
for propriety,
the scene wou'd very well have borne it, in my judgment.
COR. O, worst of both; why, you mistake his humour utterly
then.
MIT. How do I mistake it? Is it not envy?
COR. Yes, but you must understand, signior, he envies him
not as he is a
villain, a wolf in the commonwealth, but as he is rich and
fortunate; for
the true condition of envy is, 'dolor alienae felicitatis', to
have our
eyes continually fixed upon another man's prosperity that is, his
chief
happiness, and to grieve at that. Whereas, if we make his
monstrous and
abhorr'd actions our object, the grief we take then comes nearer
the nature
of hate than envy, as being bred out of a kind of contempt and
loathing in
ourselves.
MIT. So you'll infer it had been hate, not envy in him, to
reprehend the
humour of Sordido?
COR. Right, for what a man truly envies in another, he
could always love
and cherish in himself; but no man truly reprehends in another,
what he
loves in himself; therefore reprehension is out of his hate. And
this
distinction hath he himself made in a speech there, if you marked
it, where
he says, "I envy not this Buffone, but I hate him." Why might he
not as
well have hated Sordido as him?
COR. No, sir, there was subject for his envy in Sordido,
his wealth: so
was there not in the other. He stood possest of no one eminent
gift, but a
most odious and fiend-like disposition, that would turn charity
itself into
hate, much more envy, for the present.
MIT. You have satisfied me, sir. O, here comes the fool,
and the jester
again, methinks.
COR. 'Twere pity they should be parted, sir.
MIT. What bright-shining gallant's that with them? the
knight they went to?
COR. No, sir, this is one monsieur Fastidious Brisk,
otherwise called the
fresh Frenchified courtier.
MIT. A humourist too?
COR. As humorous as quicksilver; do but observe him; the
scene is the
country still, remember.
ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK, CINEDO, CARLO BUFFONE, AND SOGLIARDO.
FAST. Cinedo, watch when the knight comes, and give us word.
CIN. I will, sir.
[EXIT.
FAST. How lik'st thou my boy, Carlo?
CAR. O, well, well. He looks like a colonel of the Pigmies
horse, or one
of these motions in a great antique clock; he would shew well upon
a
haberdasher's stall, at a corner shop, rarely.
FAST. 'Sheart, what a damn'd witty rogue's this! How he
confounds with
his similes!
CAR. Better with similes than smiles: and whither were you
riding now,
signior?
FAST. Who, I? What a silly jest's that! Whither should I
ride but to the
court?
CAR. O, pardon me, sir, twenty places more; your hot-house,
or your
whore-house —
FAST. By the virtue of my soul, this knight dwells in
Elysium here.
CAR. He's gone now, I thought he would fly out presently.
These be our
nimble-spirited catsos, that have their evasions at pleasure, will
run over
a bog like your wild Irish; no sooner started, but they'll leap
from one
thing to another, like a squirrel, heigh! dance and do tricks in
their
discourse, from fire to water, from water to air, from air to
earth, as if
their tongues did but e'en lick the four elements over, and away.
FAST. Sirrah, Carlo, thou never saw'st my gray hobby yet,
didst thou?
CAR. No; have you such a one?
FAST. The best in Europe, my good villain, thou'lt say when
thou seest him.
CAR. But when shall I see him?
FAST. There was a nobleman in the court offered me a
hundred pound for
him, by this light: a fine little fiery slave, he runs like a —
oh,
excellent, excellent! — with the very sound of the spur.
CAR. How! the sound of the spur?
FAST. O, it's your only humour now extant, sir; a good
gingle, a good gingle.
CAR. S'blood! you shall see him turn morrice-dancer, he
has got him
bells, a good suit, and a hobby-horse.
SIG. Signior, now you talk of a hobby-horse, I know where one is
will not
be given for a brace of angels.
FAST. How is that, sir?
SOG. Marry, sir, I am telling this gentleman of a
hobby-horse; it was my
father's indeed, and though I say it —
CAR. That should not say it — on, on.
SOG. He did dance in it, with as good humour and as good
regard as any man
of his degree whatsoever, being no gentleman: I have danc'd in it
myself
too.
CAR. Not since the humour of gentility was upon you, did
you?
SOG. Yes, once; marry, that was but to shew what a
gentleman might do in a
humour.
CAR. O, very good.
MIT. Why, this fellow's discourse were nothing but for the
word humour.
COR. O bear with him; an he should lack matter and words
too, 'twere pitiful.
SOG. Nay, look you, sir, there's ne'er a gentleman in the
country has the
like humours, for the hobby-horse, as I have; I have the method
for the
threading of the needle and all, the —
CAR. How, the method?
SOG. Ay, the leigerity for that, and the whighhie, and the
daggers in the
nose, and the travels of the egg from finger to finger, and all
the humours
incident to the quality. The horse hangs at home in my parlour.
I'll keep
it for a monument as long as I live, sure.
CAR. Do so; and when you die, 'twill be an excellent trophy
to hang over
your tomb.
SOG. Mass, and I'll have a tomb, now I think on't; 'tis but
so much charges.
CAR. Best build it in your lifetime then, your heirs may
hap to forget it
else.
SOG. Nay, I mean so, I'll not trust to them.
CAR. No, for heirs and executors are grown damnable
careless, 'specially
since the ghosts of testators left walking. — How like you him,
signior?
FAST. 'Fore heavens, his humour arrides me exceedingly.
CAR. Arrides you!
FAST. Ay, pleases me: a pox on't! I am so haunted at the
court, and at
my lodging, with your refined choice spirits, that it makes me
clean of
another garb, another sheaf, I know not how! I cannot frame me to
your
harsh vulgar phrase, 'tis against my genius.
Sog. Signior Carlo!
[TAKES HIM ASIDE.
COR. This is right to that of Horace, "Dum vitant stulti
vitia, in
contraria currunt"; so this gallant labouring to avoid popularity,
falls
into a habit of affectation, ten thousand times hatefuller than
the former.
CAR. [POINTING TO FASTIDIOUS.] Who, he? a gull, a fool,
no salt in him
i' the earth, man; he looks like a fresh salmon kept in a tub;
he'll be
spent shortly. His brain's lighter than his feather already, and
his
tongue more subject to lye, than that is to wag; he sleeps with a
musk-cat
every night, and walks all day hang'd in pomander chains for
penance; he
has his skin tann'd in civet, to make his complexion strong, and
the
sweetness of his youth lasting in the sense of his sweet lady; a
good empty
puff, he loves you well, signior.
SOG. There shall be no love lost, sir, I'll assure you.
FAST. [ADVANCING TO THEM.] Nay, Carlo, I am not happy in
thy love, I see:
pray thee suffer me to enjoy thy company a little, sweet mischief:
by this
air, I shall envy this gentleman's place in thy affections, if you
be thus
private, i'faith.
ENTER CINEDO.
How now! Is the knight arrived?
CIN. No, sir, but 'tis guess'd he will arrive presently, by his
fore-runners.
FAST. His hounds! by Minerva, an excellent figure; a good
boy.
CAR. You should give him a French crown for it; the boy
would find two
better figures in that, and a good figure of your bounty beside.
FAST. Tut, the boy wants no crowns.
CAR. No crown; speak in the singular number, and we'll
believe you.
FAST. Nay, thou are so capriciously conceited now. Sirrah
damnation, I
have heard this knight Puntarvolo reported to be a gentleman of
exceeding
good humour, thou know'st him; prithee, how is his disposition? I
never
was so favoured of my stars, as to see him yet. Boy, do you look
to the
hobby?
CIN. Ay, sir, the groom has set him up.
[AS CINEDO IS GOING OUT, SOGLIARDO TAKES HIM ASIDE.
FAST. 'Tis well: I rid out of my way of intent to visit
him, and take
knowledge of his — Nay, good Wickedness, his humour, his humour.
CAR. Why, he loves dogs, and hawks, and his wife well; he
has a good
riding face, and he can sit a great horse; he will taint a staff
well at
tile; when he is mounted he looks like the sign of the George,
that's all I
know; save, that instead of a dragon, he will brandish against a
tree, and
break his sword as confidently upon the knotty bark, as the other
did upon
the scales of the beast.
FAST. O, but this is nothing to that's delivered of him.
They say he has
dialogues and discourses between his horse, himself, and his dog;
and that
he will court his own lady, as she were a stranger never
encounter'd before.
CAR. Ay, that he will, and make fresh love to her every
morning; this
gentleman has been a spectator of it, Signior Insulso.
SOG. I am resolute to keep a page. — Say you, sir?
[LEAPS FROM WHISPERING WITH CINEDO.
CAR. You have seen Signior Puntarvolo accost his lady?
SOG. O, ay, sir.
FAST. And how is the manner of it, prithee, good signior?
SOG. Faith, sir, in very good sort; he has his humours for
it, sir;
at first, (suppose he were now to come from riding or hunting, or
so,) he
has his trumpet to sound, and then the waiting-gentlewoman she
looks out,
and then he speaks, and then she speaks, — very pretty, i'faith,
gentlemen.
FAST. Why, but do you remember no particulars, signior?
SOG. O, yes, sir, first, the gentlewoman, she looks out at
the window.
CAR. After the trumpet has summon'd a parle, not before?
SOG. No, sir, not before; and then says he, — ha, ha, ha,
ha!
CAR. What says he? be not rapt so.
SOG. Says he, — ha, ha, ha, ha!
FAST. Nay, speak, speak.
SOG. Ha, ha, ha! — says he, God save you, says he; — ha,
ha!
CAR. Was this the ridiculous motive to all this passion?
SOG. Nay, that that comes after is, — ha, ha, ha, ha!
CAR. Doubtless he apprehends more than he utters, this
fellow; or else —
[A CRY OF HOUNDS WITHIN.
SOG. List, list, they are come from hunting; stand by,
close under this
terras, and you shall see it done better than I can show it.
CAR. So it had need, 'twill scarce poise the observation
else.
SOG. Faith, I remember all, but the manner of it is quite
out of my head.
FAST. O, withdraw, withdraw, it cannot be but a most
pleasing object.
[THEY STAND ASIDE.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FOLLOWED BY HIS HUNTSMAN LEADING A GREYHOUND.
PUNT. Forester, give wind to thy horn. — Enough; by this
the sound hath
touch'd the ears of the inclos'd: depart, leave the dog, and take
with
thee what thou has deserved, the horn and thanks.
[EXIT HUNTSMAN.
CAR. Ay, marry, there is some taste in this.
FAST. Is't not good?
SOG. Ah, peace; now above, now above!
[A WAITING-GENTLEWOMAN APPEARS AT THE WINDOW.
PUNT. Stay; mine eye hath, on the instant, through the
bounty of the
window, received the form of a nymph. I will step forward three
paces; of
the which, I will barely retire one; and, after some little
flexure of the
knee, with an erected grace salute her; one, two, and three!
Sweet lady,
God save you!
GENT. [ABOVE.] No, forsooth; I am but the waiting-gentlewoman.
CAR. He knew that before.
PUNT. Pardon me: 'humanum est errare'.
CAR. He learn'd that of his chaplain.
PUNT. To the perfection of compliment (which is the dial of
the thought,
and guided by the sun of your beauties,) are required these three
specials;
the gnomon, the puntilios, and the superficies: the superficies
is that we
call place; the puntilios, circumstance; and the gnomon, ceremony;
in
either of which, for a stranger to err, 'tis easy and facile; and
such am I.
CAR. True, not knowing her horizon, he must needs err;
which I fear he
knows too well.
PUNT. What call you the lord of the castle, sweet face?
GENT. [ABOVE.] The lord of the castle is a knight, sir; signior
Puntarvolo.
PUNT. Puntarvolo! O —
CAR. Now must he ruminate.
FAST. Does the wench know him all this while, then?
CAR. O, do you know me, man? why, therein lies the syrup
of the jest;
it's a project, a designment of his own, a thing studied, and
rehearst as
ordinarily at his coming from hawking or hunting, as a jig after a
play.
SOG. Ay, e'en like your jig, sir.
PUNT. 'Tis a most sumptuous and stately edifice! Of what
years is the
knight, fair damsel?
GENT. Faith, much about your years, sir.
PUNT. What complexion, or what stature bears he?
GENT. Of your stature, and very near upon your complexion.
PUNT. Mine is melancholy, —
CAR. So is the dog's, just.
PUNT. And doth argue constancy, chiefly in love. What are
his endowments?
is he courteous?
GENT. O, the most courteous knight in Christian land, sir.
PUNT. Is he magnanimous?
GENT. As the skin between your brows, sir.
PUNT. Is he bountiful?
CAR. 'Slud, he takes an inventory of his own good parts.
GENT. Bountiful! ay, sir, I would you should know it; the poor
are served
at his gate, early and late, sir.
PUNT. Is he learned?
GENT. O, ay, sir, he can speak the French and Italian.
PUNT. Then he has travelled?
GENT. Ay, forsooth, he hath been beyond seas once or twice.
CAR. As far as Paris, to fetch over a fashion, and come
back again.
PUNT. Is he religious?
GENT. Religious! I know not what you call religious, but he goes
to
church, I am sure.
FAST. 'Slid, methinks these answers should offend him.
CAR. Tut, no; he knows they are excellent, and to her
capacity that speaks
them.
PUNT. Would I might but see his face!
CAR. She should let down a glass from the window at that
word, and request
him to look in't.
PUNT. Doubtless the gentleman is most exact, and absolutely
qualified;
doth the castle contain him?
GENT. No, sir, he is from home, but his lady is within.
PUNT. His lady! what, is she fair, splendidious, and
amiable?
GENT. O, Lord, sir.
PUNT. Prithee, dear nymph, intreat her beauties to shine on
this side of
the building.
[EXIT WAITING-GENTLEWOMAN FROM THE WINDOW.
CAR. That he may erect a new dial of compliment, with his
gnomons and his
puntilios.
FAST. Nay, thou art such another cynic now, a man had need
walk uprightly
before thee.
CAR. Heart, can any man walk more upright than he does?
Look, look; as if
he went in a frame, or had a suit of wainscot on: and the dog
watching
him, lest he should leap out on't.
FAST. O, villain!
CAR. Well, an e'er I meet him in the city, I'll have him
jointed, I'll
pawn him in Eastcheap, among the butchers, else.
FAST. Peace; who be these, Carlo?
ENTER SORDIDO AND FUNGOSO.
SORD. Yonder's your godfather; do your duty to him, son.
SOG. This, sir? a poor elder brother of mine, sir, a
yeoman, may dispend
some seven or eight hundred a year; that's his son, my nephew,
there.
PUNT. You are not ill come, neighbour Sordido, though I
have not yet said,
well-come; what, my godson is grown a great proficient by this.
SORD. I hope he will grow great one day, sir.
FAST. What does he study? the law?
SOG. Ay, sir, he is a gentleman, though his father be but a
yeoman.
CAR. What call you your nephew, signior?
SOG. Marry, his name is Fungoso.
CAR. Fungoso! O, he look'd somewhat like a sponge in that
pink'd yellow
doublet, methought; well, make much of him; I see he was never
born to ride
upon a mule.
GENT. [REAPPEARS AT THE WINDOW.] My lady will come presently,
sir.
SOG. O, now, now!
PUNT. Stand by, retire yourselves a space; nay, pray you,
forget not the
use of your hat; the air is piercing.
[SORDIDO AND FUNGOSO WITHDRAW.
FAST. What! will not their presence prevail against the
current of his
humour?
CAR. O, no; it's a mere flood, a torrent carries all afore
it.
[LADY PUNTARVOLO APPEARS AT THE WINDOW.
PUNT. What more than heavenly pulchritude is this.
What magazine, or treasury of bliss?
Dazzle, you organs to my optic sense,
To view a creature of such eminence:
O, I am planet-struck, and in yon sphere
A brighter star than Venus doth appear!
FAST. How! in verse!
CAR. An extacy, an extacy, man.
LADY P. [ABOVE] is your desire to speak with me, sir knight?
CAR. He will tell you that anon; neither his brain nor his
body are yet
moulded for an answer.
PUNT. Most debonair, and luculent lady, I decline me as low
as the basis
of your altitude.
COR. He makes congies to his wife in geometrical
proportions.
MIT. Is it possible there should be any such humorist?
COR. Very easily possible, sir, you see there is.
PUNT. I have scarce collected my spirits, but lately
scattered in the
administration of your form; to which, if the bounties of your
mind be any
way responsible, I doubt not but my desires shall find a smooth
and secure
passage. I am a poor knight-errant, lady, that hunting in the
adjacent
forest, was, by adventure, in the pursuit of a hart, brought to
this place;
which hart, dear madam, escaped by enchantment: the evening
approaching
myself and servant wearied, my suit is, to enter your fair castle
and
refresh me.
LADY. Sir knight, albeit it be not usual with me, chiefly
in the absence
of a husband, to admit any entrance to strangers, yet in the true
regard of
those innated virtues, and fair parts, which so strive to express
themselves, in you; I am resolved to entertain you to the best of
my
unworthy power; which I acknowledge to be nothing, valued with
what so
worthy a person may deserve. Please you but stay while I descend.
[EXIT FROM THE WINDOW.
PUNT. Most admired lady, you astonish me.
[WALKS ASIDE WITH SORDIDO AND HIS SON.
CAR. What! with speaking a speech of your own penning?
FAST. Nay, look: prithee, peace.
CAR. Pox on't! I am impatient of such foppery.
FAST. O let us hear the rest.
CAR. What! a tedious chapter of courtship, after sir
Lancelot and queen
Guenever? Away! I marle in what dull cold nook he found this
lady out;
that, being a woman, she was blest with no more copy of wit but to
serve
his humour thus. 'Slud, I think he feeds her with porridge, I:
she could
never have such a thick brain else.
SOG. Why, is porridge so hurtful, signior?
CAR. O, nothing under heaven more prejudicial to those
ascending subtle
powers, or doth sooner abate that which we call 'acumen ingenii',
than your
gross fare: Why, I'll make you an instance; your city-wives, but
observe
'em, you have not more perfect true fools in the world bred than
they are
generally; and yet you see, by the fineness and delicacy of their
diet,
diving into the fat capons, drinking your rich wines, feeding on
larks,
sparrows, potato-pies, and such good unctuous meats, how their
wits are
refined and rarified; and sometimes a very quintessence of conceit
flows
from them, able to drown a weak apprehension.
ENTER LADY PUNTARVOLO AND HER WAITING-WOMAN.
FAST. Peace, here comes the lady..
LADY. Gad's me, here's company! turn in again.
[EXIT WITH HER WOMAN.
FAST. 'Slight, our presence has cut off the convoy of the
jest.
CAR. All the better, I am glad on't; for the issue was very
perspicuous.
Come let's discover, and salute the knight.
[THEY COME FORWARD.
PUNT. Stay; who be these that address themselves towards
us? What Carlo!
Now by the sincerity of my soul, welcome; welcome, gentlemen: and
how dost
thou, thou 'Grand Scourge', or 'Second Untruss of the time'?
CAR. Faith, spending my metal in this reeling world (here
and there), as
the sway of my affection carries me, and perhaps stumble upon a
yeoman-feuterer, as I do now; or one of fortune's mules, laden with
treasure, and an empty cloak-bag, following him, gaping when a gab
will
untie.
PUNT. Peace, you bandog, peace! What brisk Nymphadoro is
that in the
white virgin-boot there?
CAR. Marry, sir, one that I must interest you to take a
very particular
knowledge of, and with more than ordinary respect; monsieur
Fastidious.
PUNT. Sir, I could wish, that for the time of your
vouchsafed abiding
here, and more real entertainment, this is my house stood on the
Muses
hill, and these my orchards were those of the Hesperides.
FAST. I possess as much in your wish, sir, as if I were
made lord of the
Indies; and I pray you believe it.
CAR. I have a better opinion of his faith, than to think it
will be so
corrupted.
SOG. Come, brother, I'll bring you acquainted with
gentlemen, and good
fellows, such as shall do you more grace than —
SORD. Brother, I hunger not for such acquaintance: Do you
take heed, lest —
[CARLO COMES TOWARD THEM.
SOG. Husht! My brother, sir, for want of education, sir,
somewhat nodding
to the boor, the clown; but I request you in private, sir.
FUNG. [LOOKING AT FASTIDIOUS BRISK.] By heaven, it is a
very fine suit of
clothes.
[ASIDE.
COR. Do you observe that signior? There's another humour
has new-crack'd
the shell.
MIT. What! he is enamour'd of the fashion, is he?
COR. O, you forestall the jest.
FUNG. I marle what it might stand him in.
[ASIDE.
SOG. Nephew!
FUNG. 'Fore me, it's an excellent suit, and as neatly
becomes him.
[ASIDE.] — What said you, uncle?
SOG. When saw you my niece?
FUNG. Marry, yesternight I supp'd there. — That kind of
boot does very
rare too.
[ASIDE.
SOG. And what news hear you?
FUNG. The gilt spur and all! Would I were hang'd, but 'tis
exceeding
good. [ASIDE.] — Say you, uncle?
SOG. Your mind is carried away with somewhat else: I ask
what news you hear?
FUNG. Troth, we hear none. — In good faith [LOOKING AT
FASTIDIOUS BRISK]
I was never so pleased with a fashion, days of my life. O an I
might have
but my wish, I'd ask no more of heaven now, but such a suit, such
a hat,
such a band, such a doublet, such a hose, such a boot, and such a
—
[ASIDE.
SOG. They say, there's a new motion of the city of Nineveh,
with Jonas and
the whale, to be seen at Fleet-bridge. You can tell, cousin?
FUNG. Here's such a world of questions with him now! —
Yes, I think there
be such a thing, I saw the picture. — Would he would once be
satisfied!
Let me see, the doublet, say fifty shillings the doublet, and
between three
or four pound the hose; then boots, hat, and band: some ten or
eleven
pound will do it all, and suit me for the heavens!
[ASIDE.
SOG. I'll see all those devices an I come to London once.
FUNG. Ods 'slid, an I could compass it, 'twere rare
[ASIDE.] — Hark you,
uncle.
SOG. What says my nephew?
FUNG. Faith, uncle, I would have desired you to have made a
motion for me
to my father, in a thing that — Walk aside, and I'll tell you,
sir; no
more but this: there's a parcel of law books (some twenty pounds
worth)
that lie in a place for a little more than half the money they
cost; and I
think, for some twelve pound, or twenty mark, I could go near to
redeem
them; there's Plowden, Dyar, Brooke, and Fitz-Herbert, divers such
as I
must have ere long; and you know, I were as good save five or six
pound, as
not, uncle. I pray you, move it for me.
SOG. That I will: when would you have me do it? presently?
FUNG. O, ay, I pray you, good uncle: [SOGLIARDO TAKES
SORDIDO ASIDE.] —
send me good luck, Lord, an't be thy will, prosper it! O my
stars, now,
now, if it take now, I am made for ever.
FAST. Shall I tell you, sir? by this air, I am the most
beholden to that
lord, of any gentleman living; he does use me the most honourably,
and with
the greatest respect, more indeed than can be utter'd with any
opinion of
truth.
PUNT. Then have you the count Gratiato?
FAST. As true noble a gentleman too as any breathes; I am
exceedingly
endear'd to his love: By this hand, I protest to you, signior, I
speak it
not gloriously, nor out of affectation, but there's he and the
count
Frugale, signior Illustre, signior Luculento, and a sort of 'em,
that when
I am at court, they do share me amongst them; happy is he can
enjoy me most
private. I do wish myself sometime an ubiquitary for their love,
in good
faith.
CAR. There's ne'er a one of them but might lie a week on
the rack, ere
they could bring forth his name; and yet he pours them out as
familiarly,
as if he had seen them stand by the fire in the presence, or ta'en
tobacco
with them over the stage, in the lord's room.
PUNT. Then you must of necessity know our court-star there,
that planet of
wit, madona Saviolina?
FAST. O Lord, sir, my mistress.
PUNT. Is she your mistress?
FAST. Faith, here be some slight favours of hers, sir, that
do speak it,
she is; as this scarf, sir, or this ribbon in my ear, or so; this
feather
grew in her sweet fan sometimes, though now it be my poor fortune
to wear
it, as you see, sir: slight, slight, a foolish toy.
PUNT. Well, she is the lady of a most exalted and ingenious
spirit.
FAST. Did you ever hear any woman speak like her? or
enriched with a more
plentiful discourse?
CAR. O villainous! nothing but sound, sound, a mere echo;
she speaks as
she goes tired, in cobweb-lawn, light, thin; good enough to catch
flies
withal.
PUNT. O manage your affections.
FAST. Well, if thou be'st not plagued for this blasphemy
one day —
PUNT. Come, regard not a jester: It is in the power of my
purse to make
him speak well or ill of me.
FAST. Sir, I affirm it to you upon my credit and judgment,
she has the
most harmonious and musical strain of wit that ever tempted a true
ear; and
yet to see! — a rude tongue would profane heaven, if it could.
PUNT. I am not ignorant of it, sir.
FAST. Oh, it flows from her like nectar, and she doth give
it that sweet
quick grace, and exornation in the composure that by this good
air, as I am
an honest man, would I might never stir, sir, but — she does
observe as
pure a phrase, and use as choice figures in her ordinary
conferences, as
any be in the 'Arcadia'.
CAR. Or rather in Green's works, whence she may steal with
more security.
SORD. Well, if ten pound will fetch 'em, you shall have it;
but I'll part
with no more.
FUNG. I'll try what that will do, if you please.
SORD. Do so; and when you have them, study hard.
FUNG. Yes, sir. An I could study to get forty shillings
more now! Well,
I will put myself into the fashion, as far as this will go,
presently.
SORD. I wonder it rains not: the almanack says, we should
have a store of
rain to-day.
[ASIDE.
PUNT. Why, sir, to-morrow I will associate you to court
myself, and from
thence to the city about a business, a project I have; I will
expose it to
you sir; Carlo, I am sure has heard of it.
CAR. What's that, sir?
PUNT. I do intend, this year of jubilee coming on, to
travel: and because
I will not altogether go upon expense, I am determined to put
forth some
five thousand pound, to be paid me five for one, upon the return
of myself,
my wife, and my dog from the Turk's court in Constantinople. If
all or
either of us miscarry in the journey, 'tis gone: if we be
successful, why,
there will be five and twenty thousand pound to entertain time
withal.
Nay, go not, neighbour Sordido; stay to-night, and help to make
our society
the fuller. Gentlemen, frolic: Carlo! what! dull now?
CAR. I was thinking on your project, sir, an you call it
so. Is this the
dog goes with you?
PUNT. This is the dog, sir.
CAR. He does not go barefoot, does he?
PUNT. Away, you traitor, away!
CAR. Nay, afore God, I speak simply; he may prick his foot
with a thorn,
and be as much as the whole venture is worth. Besides, for a dog
that
never travell'd before, it's a huge journey to Constantinople.
I'll tell
you now, an he were mine, I'd have some present conference with a
physician, what antidotes were good to give him, preservatives
against
poison; for assure you, if once your money be out, there'll be
divers
attempts made against the life of the poor animal.
PUNT. Thou art still dangerous.
FAST. Is signior Deliro's wife your kinswoman?
SOG. Ay, sir, she is my niece, my brother's daughter here,
and my nephew's
sister.
SORD. Do you know her, sir?
FAST. O Lord, sir! signior Deliro, her husband, is my
merchant.
FUNG. Ay, I have seen this gentleman there often.
FAST. I cry you mercy, sir; let me crave your name, pray
you.
FUNG. Fungoso, sir.
FAST. Good signior Fungoso, I shall request to know you
better, sir.
FUNG. I am her brother, sir.
FAST. In fair time, sir.
PUNT. Come, gentlemen, I will be your conduct.
FAST. Nay, pray you sir; we shall meet at signior Deliro's
often.
SOG. You shall have me at the herald's office, sir, for
some week or so at
my first coming up. Come, Carlo.
[EXEUNT.
MIT. Methinks, Cordatus, he dwelt somewhat too long on this
scene; it hung
in the hand.
COR. I see not where he could have insisted less, and to
have made the
humours perspicuous enough.
MIT. True, as his subject lies; but he might have altered
the shape of his
argument, and explicated them better in single scenes.
COR. That had been single indeed. Why, be they not the
same persons in
this, as they would have been in those? and is it not an object
of more
state, to behold the scene full, and relieved with variety of
speakers to
the end, than to see a vast empty stage, and the actors come in
one by one,
as if they were dropt down with a feather into the eye of the
spectators?
MIT. Nay, you are better traded with these things than I,
and therefore
I'll subscribe to your judgment; marry, you shall give me leave to
make
objections.
COR. O, what else? it is the special intent of the author
you should do
so; for thereby others, that are present, may as well be
satisfied, who
haply would object the same you would do.
MIT. So, sir; but when appears Macilente again?
COR. Marry, he stays but till our silence give him leave:
here he comes,
and with him signior Deliro, a merchant at whose house he is come
to
sojourn: make your own observation now, only transfer your
thoughts to the
city, with the scene: where suppose they speak.
ENTER DELIRO, MACILENTE, AND FIDO WITH FLOWERS AND PERFUMES.
DELI. I'll tell you by and by, sir, —
Welcome good Macilente, to my house,
To sojourn even for ever; if my best
in cates, and every sort of good entreaty,
May move you stay with me.
[HE CENSETH: THE BOY STREWS FLOWERS.
MACI. I thank you, sir. —
And yet the muffled Fates, had it pleased them,
Might have supplied me from their own full store.
Without this word, 'I thank you', to a fool.
I see no reason why that dog call'd Chance,
Should fawn upon this fellow more than me;
I am a man, and I have limbs, flesh, blood,
Bones, sinews, and a soul, as well as he:
My parts are every way as good as his;
If I said better, why, I did not lie.
Nath'less, his wealth, but nodding on my wants,
Must make me bow, and cry, 'I thank you, sir'.
[ASIDE.
DELI. Dispatch! take heed your mistress see you not.
FIDO. I warrant you, sir, I'll steal by her softly.
[EXIT.
DELI. Nay, gentle friend, be merry; raise your looks
Out of your bosom: I protest, by heaven,
You are the man most welcome in the world.
MACI. I thank you, sir. — I know my cue, I think.
[ASIDE.
RE-ENTER FIDO, WITH MORE PERFUMES AND FLOWERS.
FIDO. Where will you have them burn, sir?
DELI. Here, good Fido.
What, she did not see thee?
FIDO. No, sir.
DELI. That is well
Strew, strew, good Fido, the freshest flowers; so!
MACI. What means this, signior Deliro? all this censing?
DELI. Cast in more frankincense, yet more; well said. —
O Macilente, I have such a wife!
So passing fair! so passing-fair-unkind!
But of such worth, and right to be unkind,
Since no man can be worthy of her kindness —
MACI. What, can there not?
DELI. No, that is as sure as death,
No man alive. I do not say, is not,
But cannot possibly be worth her kindness,
Nay, it is certain, let me do her right.
How, said I? do her right! as though I could,
As though this dull, gross tongue of mine could utter
The rare, the true, the pure, the infinite rights.
That sit, as high as I can look, within her!
MACI. This is such dotage as was never heard.
DELI. Well, this must needs be granted.
MACI. Granted, quoth you?
DELI. Nay, Macilente, do not so discredit
The goodness of your judgment to deny it.
For I do speak the very least of her:
And I would crave, and beg no more of Heaven,
For all my fortunes here, but to be able
To utter first in fit terms, what she is,
And then the true joys I conceive in her.
MACI. Is't possible she should deserve so well,
As you pretend?
DELI. Ay, and she knows so well
Her own deserts, that, when I strive t'enjoy them,
She weighs the things I do, with what she merits;
And, seeing my worth out-weigh'd so in her graces,
She is so solemn, so precise, so froward,
That no observance I can do to her
Can make her kind to me: if she find fault,
I mend that fault; and then she says, I faulted,
That I did mend it. Now, good friend, advise me,
How I may temper this strange spleen in her.
MACI. You are too amorous, too obsequious,
And make her too assured she may command you.
When women doubt most of their husbands' loves,
They are most loving. Husbands must take heed
They give no gluts of kindness to their wives,
But use them like their horses; whom they feed
But half a peck at once; and keep them so
Still with an appetite to that they give them.
He that desires to have a loving wife,
Must bridle all the show of that desire:
Be kind, not amorous; nor bewraying kindness,
As if love wrought it, but considerate duty.
Offer no love rites, but let wives still seek them,
For when they come unsought, they seldom like them.
DELI. Believe me, Macilente, this is gospel.
O, that a man were his own man so much,
To rule himself thus. I will strive, i'faith,
To be more strange and careless; yet I hope
I have now taken such a perfect course,
To make her kind to me, and live contented,
That I shall find my kindness well return'd,
And have no need to fight with my affections.
She late hath found much fault with every room
Within my house; one was too big, she said,
Another was not furnish'd to her mind,
And so through all; all which, now, I have alter'd.
Then here, she hath a place, on my back-side,
Wherein she loves to walk; and that, she said,
Had some ill smells about it: now, this walk
Have I before she knows it, thus perfumed
With herbs, and flowers; and laid in divers places,
As 'twere on altars consecrate to her,
Perfumed gloves, and delicate chains of amber,
To keep the air in awe of her sweet nostrils:
This have I done, and this I think will please her.
Behold, she comes.
ENTER FALLACE.
FAL. Here's a sweet stink indeed!
What, shall I ever be thus crost and plagued,
And sick of husband? O, my head doth ache,
As it would cleave asunder, with these savours!
All my rooms alter'd, and but one poor walk
That I delighted in, and that is made
So fulsome with perfumes, that I am fear'd,
My brain doth sweat so, I have caught the plague!
DELI. Why, gentle wife, is now thy walk too sweet?
Thou said'st of late, it had sour airs about it,
And found'st much fault that I did not correct it.
FAL. Why, an I did find fault, sir?
DELI. Nay, dear wife,
I know thou hast said thou has loved perfumes,
No woman better.
FAL. Ay, long since, perhaps;
But now that sense is alter'd: you would have me,
Like to a puddle, or a standing pool,
To have no motion nor no spirit within me.
No. I am like a pure and sprightly river,
That moves for ever, and yet still the same;
Or fire, that burns much wood, yet still one flame.
DELI. But yesterday, I saw thee at our garden,
Smelling on roses, and on purple flowers;
And since, I hope, the humour of thy sense
Is nothing changed.
FAL. Why, those were growing flowers,
And these within my walk are cut and strewed.
DELI. But yet they have one scent.
FAL. Ay! have they so?
In your gross judgment. If you make no difference
Betwixt the scent of growing flowers and cut ones,
You have a sense to taste lamp oil, i'faith:
And with such judgment have you changed the chambers,
Leaving no room, that I can joy to be in,
In all your house; and now my walk, and all,
You smoke me from, as if I were a fox,
And long, belike, to drive me quite away:
Well, walk you there, and I'll walk where I list.
DELI. What shall I do? O, I shall never please her.
MACI. Out on thee, dotard! what star ruled his birth,
That brought him such a Star? blind Fortune still
Bestows her gifts on such as cannot use them:
How long shall I live, ere I be so happy
To have a wife of this exceeding form?
[ASIDE.
DELI. Away with 'em! would I had broke a joint
When I devised this, that should so dislike her.
Away, bear all away.
[EXIT FIDO, WITH FLOWERS, ETC.
FAL. Ay, do; for fear
Aught that is there should like her. O, this man,
How cunningly he can conceal himself,
As though he loved, nay, honour'd and ador'd! —
DELI. Why, my sweet heart?
FAL. Sweet heart! O, better still!
And asking, why? wherefore? and looking strangely,
As if he were as white as innocence!
Alas, you're simple, you: you cannot change,
Look pale at pleasure, and then red with wonder;
No, no, not you! 'tis pity o' your naturals.
I did but cast an amorous eye, e'en now,
Upon a pair of gloves that somewhat liked me,
And straight he noted it, and gave command
All should be ta'en away.
DELI. Be they my bane then!
What, sirrah, Fido, bring in those gloves again
You took from hence.
FAL. 'Sbody, sir, but do not:
Bring in no gloves to spite me; if you do —
DELI. Ay me, most wretched; how am I misconstrued!
MACI. O, how she tempts my heart-strings with her eye,
To knit them to her beauties, or to break!
What mov'd the heavens, that they could not make
Me such a woman! but a man, a beast,
That hath no bliss like others? Would to heaven,
In wreak of my misfortunes, I were turn'd
To some fair water-nymph, that set upon
The deepest whirl-pit of the rav'nous seas,
My adamantine eyes might headlong hale
This iron world to me, and drown it all.
[ASIDE.
COR. Behold, behold, the translated gallant.
MIT. O, he is welcome.
ENTER FUNGOSO, APPARELLED LIKE FASTIDIOUS BRISK.
FUNG. Save you, brother and sister; save you, sir! I have
commendations
for you out o' the country. I wonder they take no knowledge of my
suit:
[ASIDE.] — Mine uncle Sogliardo is in town. Sister methinks you
are
melancholy; why are you so sad? I think you took me for Master
Fastidious
Brisk, sister, did you not?
FAL. Why should I take you for him?
FUNG. Nay, nothing. — I was lately in Master Fastidious's
company, and
methinks we are very like.
DELI. You have a fair suit, brother, 'give you joy on't.
FUNG. Faith, good enough to ride in, brother; I made it to
ride in.
FAL. O, now I see the cause of his idle demand was his new
suit.
DELI. Pray you, good brother, try if you can change her
mood.
FUNG. I warrant you, let me alone: I'll put her out of her
dumps.
Sister, how like you my suit!
FAL. O, you are a gallant in print now, brother.
FUNG. Faith, how like you the fashion? it is the last
edition, I assure you.
FAL. I cannot but like it to the desert.
FUNG. Troth, sister, I was fain to borrow these spurs, I
have left my gown
in the gage for them, pray you lend me an angel.
FAL. Now, beshrew my heart then.
FUNG. Good truth, I'll pay you again at my next exhibition.
I had but
bare ten pound of my father, and it would not reach to put me
wholly into
the fashion.
FAL. I care not.
FUNG. I had spurs of mine own before, but they were not
ginglers.
Monsieur Fastidious will be here anon, sister.
FAL. You jest!
FUNG. Never lend me penny more while you live then; and
that I'd be loth
to say, in truth.
FAL. When did you see him?
FUNG. Yesterday; I came acquainted with him at Sir
Puntarvolo's: nay,
sweet sister.
MACI. I fain would know of heaven now, why yond fool
Should wear a suit of satin? he? that rook,
That painted jay, with such a deal of outside:
What is his inside, trow? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Good heavens, give me patience, patience, patience.
A number of these popinjays there are,
Whom, if a man confer, and but examine
Their inward merit, with such men as want;
Lord, lord, what things they are!
[ASIDE.
FAL. [GIVES HIM MONEY.] Come, when will you pay me again,
now?
FUNG. O lord, sister!
MACI. Here comes another.
ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK, IN A NEW SUIT.
FAST. Save you, signior Deliro! How dost thou, sweet lady?
let me kiss thee.
FUNG. How! a new suit? ah me!
DELI. And how does master Fastidious Brisk?
FAST. Faith, live in court, signior Deliro; in grace, I
thank God, both of
the noble masculine and feminine. I muse speak with you in
private by and
by.
DELI. When you please, sir.
FAL. Why look you so pale, brother?
FUNG. 'Slid, all this money is cast away now.
MACI. Ay, there's a newer edition come forth.
FUNG. 'Tis but my hard fortune! well, I'll have my suit
changed. I'll go
fetch my tailor presently but first, I'll devise a letter to my
father.
Have you any pen and ink, sister?
FAL. What would you do withal?
FUNG. I would use it. 'Slight, an it had come but four
days sooner, the
fashion.
[EXIT.
FAST. There was a countess gave me her hand to kiss to-day,
i' the
presence: did me more good by that light than — and yesternight
sent her
coach twice to my lodging, to intreat me accompany her, and my
sweet
mistress, with some two or three nameless ladies more: O, I have
been
graced by them beyond all aim of affection: this is her garter my
dagger
hangs in: and they do so commend and approve my apparel, with my
judicious
wearing of it, it's above wonder.
FAL. Indeed, sir, 'tis a most excellent suit, and you do
wear it as
extraordinary.
FAST. Why, I'll tell you now, in good faith, and by this
chair, which, by
the grace of God, I intend presently to sit in, I had three suits
in one
year made three great ladies in love with me: I had other three,
undid
three gentlemen in imitation: and other three gat three other
gentlemen
widows of three thousand pound a year.
DELI. Is't possible?
FAST. O, believe it, sir; your good face is the witch, and
your apparel
the spells, that bring all the pleasures of the world into their
circle.
FAL. Ah, the sweet grace of a courtier!
MACI. Well, would my father had left me but a good face for
my portion
yet! though I had shared the unfortunate with that goes with it,
I had not
cared; I might have passed for somewhat in the world then.
FAST. Why, assure you, signior, rich apparel has strange
virtues: it
makes him that hath it without means, esteemed for an excellent
wit: he
that enjoys it with means, puts the world in remembrance of his
means: it
helps the deformities of nature, and gives lustre to her beauties;
makes
continual holiday where it shines; sets the wits of ladies at
work, that
otherwise would be idle; furnisheth your two-shilling ordinary;
takes
possession of your stage at your new play; and enricheth your
oars, as
scorning to go with your scull.
MACI. Pray you, sir, add this; it gives respect to your
fools, makes many
thieves, as many strumpets, and no fewer bankrupts.
FAL. Out, out! unworthy to speak where he breatheth.
FAST. What's he, signior?
DELI. A friend of mine, sir.
FAST. By heaven I wonder at you citizens, what kind of
creatures you are!
DELI. Why, sir?
FAST. That you can consort yourselves with such poor
seam-rent fellows.
FAL. He says true.
DELI. Sir, I will assure you, however you esteem of him,
he's a man worthy
of regard.
FAST. Why, what has he in him of such virtue to be
regarded, ha?
DELI. Marry, he is a scholar, sir.
FAST. Nothing else!
DELI. And he is well travell'd.
FAST. He should get him clothes; I would cherish those good
parts of
travel in him, and prefer him to some nobleman of good place.
DELI. Sir, such a benefit should bine me to you for ever,
in my friend's
right; and I doubt not, but his desert shall more than answer my
praise.
FAST. Why, an he had good clothes, I'd carry him to court
with me to-morrow.
DELI. He shall not want for those, sir, if gold and the
whole city will
furnish him.
FAST. You say well, sir: faith, signior Deliro, I am come
to have you
play the alchemist with me, and change the species of my land into
that
metal you talk of.
DELI. With all my heart, sir; what sum will serve you?
FAST. Faith, some three or four hundred.
DELI. Troth, sir, I have promised to meet a gentleman this
morning in
Paul's, but upon my return I'll dispatch you.
FAST. I'll accompany you thither.
DELI. As you please, sir; but I go not thither directly.
FAST. 'Tis no matter, I have no other designment in hand,
and therefore as
good go along.
DELI. I were as good have a quartain fever follow me now,
for I shall
ne'er be rid of him. Bring me a cloak there, one. Still, upon
his grace
at court, I am sure to be visited; I was a beast to give him any
hope.
Well, would I were in, that I am out with him once, and — Come,
signior
Macilente, I must confer with you, as we go. Nay, dear wife, I
beseech
thee, forsake these moods: look not like winter thus. Here, take
my keys,
open my counting-houses, spread all my wealth before thee, choose
any
object that delights thee: if thou wilt eat the spirit of gold,
and drink
dissolved pearl in wine, 'tis for thee.
FAL. So, sir!
DELI. Nay, my sweet wife.
FAL. Good lord, how you are perfumed in your terms and all!
pray you
leave us.
DELI. Come, gentlemen.
FAST. Adieu, sweet lady.
[EXEUNT ALL BUT FALLACE.
FAL. Ay, ay! let thy words ever sound in mine ears, and
thy graces
disperse contentment through all my senses! O, how happy is that
lady
above other ladies, that enjoys so absolute a gentleman to her
servant! "A
countess gives him her hand to kiss": ah, foolish countess! he's
a man
worthy, if a woman may speak of a man's worth, to kiss the lips of
an
empress.
RE-ENTER FUNGOSO, WITH HIS TAILOR.
FUNG. What's master Fastidious gone, sister?
FAL. Ay, brother. — He has a face like a cherubin!
[ASIDE.
FUNG. 'Ods me, what luck's this? I have fetch'd my tailor
and all: which
way went he, sister, can you tell?
FAL. Not I, in good faith — and he has a body like an
angel!
[ASIDE.
FUNG. How long is't since he went?
FAL. Why, but e'en now; did you not meet him? — and a
tongue able to
ravish any woman in the earth.
[ASIDE.
FUNG. O, for God's sake — I'll please you for your pains,
[TO HIS
TAILOR.] — But e'en now, say you? Come, good sir: 'slid, I had
forgot it
too: if any body ask for mine uncle Sogliardo, they shall have
him at the
herald's office yonder, by Paul's
[EXIT WITH HIS TAILOR.
FAL. Well, I will not altogether despair: I have heard of
a citizen's
wife has been beloved of a courtier; and why not I? heigh, ho!
well, I
will into my private chamber, lock the door to me, and think over
all his
good parts one after another.
[EXIT.
MIT. Well, I doubt, this last scene will endure some
grievous torture.
COR. How? you fear 'twill be rack'd by some hard
construction?
MIT. Do not you?
COR. No, in good faith: unless mine eyes could light me
beyond sense. I
see no reason why this should be more liable to the rack than the
rest:
you'll say, perhaps, the city will not take it well that the
merchant is
made here to doat so perfectly upon his wife; and she again to be
so
'Fastidiously' affected as she is.
MIT. You have utter'd my thought, sir, indeed.
COR. Why, by that proportion, the court might as well take
offence at him
we call the courtier, and with much more pretext, by how much the
place
transcends, and goes before in dignity and virtue: but can you
imagine
that any noble or true spirit in court, whose sinewy and altogether
unaffected graces, very worthily express him a courtier, will make
any
exception at the opening of such as empty trunk as this Brisk is?
or think
his own worth impeached, by beholding his motley inside?
MIT. No, sir, I do not.
COR. No more, assure you, will any grave, wise citizen, or
modest matron,
take the object of this folly in Deliro and his wife; but rather
apply it
as the foil to their own virtues. For that were to affirm, that a
man
writing of Nero, should mean all emperors; or speaking of
Machiavel,
comprehend all statesmen; or in our Sordido, all farmers; and so
of the
rest: than which nothing can be uttered more malicious or absurd.
Indeed
there are a sort of these narrow-eyed decypherers, I confess, that
will
extort strange and abstruse meanings out of any subject, be it
never so
conspicuous and innocently delivered. But to such, where'er they
sit
concealed, let them know, the author defies them and their
writing-tables;
and hopes no sound or safe judgment will infect itself with their
contagious comments, who, indeed, come here only to pervert and
poison the
sense of what they hear, and for nought else.
ENTER CAVALIER SHIFT, WITH TWO SI-QUISSES (BILLS) IN HIS HAND.
MIT. Stay, what new mute is this, that walks so
suspiciously?
COR. O, marry, this is one, for whose better illustration,
we must desire
you to presuppose the stage, the middle aisle in Paul's, and that,
the west
end of it.
MIT. So, sir, and what follows?
COR. Faith, a whole volume of humour, and worthy the
unclasping.
MIT. As how? What name do you give him first?
COR. He hath shift of names, sir: some call him
Apple-John, some signior
Whiffe; marry, his main standing name is cavalier Shirt: the rest
are but
as clean shirts to his natures.
MIT. And what makes he in Paul's now?
COR. Troth, as you see, for the advancement of a 'si quis',
or two;
wherein he has so varied himself, that if any of 'em take, he may
hull up
and down in the humorous world a little longer.
MIT. It seems then he bears a very changing sail?
COR. O, as the wind, sir: here comes more.
SHIFT. [COMING FORWARD.] This is rare, I have set up my
bills without
discovery.
[ENTER ORANGE.
ORANGE. What, signior Whiffe! what fortune has brought you
into these
west parts?
SHIFT. Troth, signior, nothing but your rheum; I have been
taking an ounce
of tobacco hard by here, with a gentleman, and I am come to spit
private in
Paul's. 'Save you, sir.
ORANGE. Adieu, good signior Whiffe.
[PASSES ONWARD.
[ENTER CLOVE.
CLOVE. Master Apple-John! you are well met; when shall we
sup together,
and laugh, and be fat with those good wenches, ha?
SHIFT. Faith, sir, I must now leave you, upon a few humours
and occasions;
but when you please, sir.
[EXIT.
CLOVE. Farewell, sweet Apple-John! I wonder there are no
more store of
gallants here.
MIT. What be these two, signior?
COR. Marry, a couple, sir, that are mere strangers to the
whole scope of
our play; only come to walk a turn or two in this scene of Paul's,
by
chance.
ORANGE. Save you, good master Clove!
CLOVE. Sweet master Orange.
MIT. How! Clove and Orange?
COR. Ay, and they are well met, for 'tis as dry an Orange
as ever grew:
nothing but salutation, and "O lord, sir!" and "It pleases you to
say so,
sir!" one that can laugh at a jest for company with a most
plausible and
extemporal grade; and some hour after in private ask you what it
was. The
other monsieur, Clove, is a more spiced youth; he will sit you a
whole
afternoon sometimes in a bookseller's shop, reading the Greek,
Italian, and
Spanish, when he understands not a word of either; if he had the
tongues to
his suits, he were an excellent linguist.
CLOVE. Do you hear this reported for certainty?
ORANGE. O lord, sir.
[ENTER PUNTARVOLO AND CARLO, FOLLOWED BY TWO SERVING-MEN, ONE
LEADING A
DOG, THE OTHER BEARING A BAG.
PUNT. Sirrah, take my cloak; and you, sir knave, follow me
closer. If
thou losest my dog, thou shalt die a dog's death; I will hang thee.
CAR. Tut, fear him not, he's a good lean slave; he loves a
dog well, I
warrant him; I see by his looks, I: — Mass, he's somewhat like
him. 'Slud
[TO THE SERVANT.] poison him, make him away with a crooked pin, or
somewhat, man; thou may'st have more security of thy life; and —
So sir;
what! you have not put out your whole venture yet, have you?
PUNT. No, I do want yet some fifteen or sixteen hundred
pounds; but my
lady, my wife, is 'Out of her Humour', she does not now go.
CAR. No! how then?
PUNT. Marry, I am now enforced to give it out, upon the
return of myself,
my dog, and my cat.
CAR. Your cat! where is she?
PUNT. My squire has her there, in the bag; sirrah, look to
her. How
lik'st thou my change, Carlo?
CAR. Oh, for the better, sir; your cat has nine lives, and
your wife has
but one.
PUNT. Besides, she will never be sea-sick, which will save
me so much in
conserves. When saw you signior Sogliardo?
CAR. I came from him but now; he is at the herald's office
yonder; he
requested me to go afore, and take up a man or two for him in
Paul's,
against his cognisance was ready.
PUNT. What, has he purchased arms, then?
CAR. Ay, and rare ones too; of as many colours as e'er you
saw any fool's
coat in your life. I'll go look among yond' bills, an I can fit
him with
legs to his arms.
PUNT. With legs to his arms! Good! I will go with you,
sir.
[THEY GO TO READ THE BILLS.
ENTER FASTIDIOUS, DELIRO, AND MACILENTE.
FAST. Come, let's walk in Mediterraneo: I assure you, sir,
I am not the
least respected among ladies; but let that pass: do you know how
to go
into the presence, sir?
MACI. Why, on my feet, sir.
FAST. No, on your head, sir; for 'tis that must bear you
out, I assure
you; as thus, sir. You must first have an especial care so to
wear your
hat, that it oppress not confusedly this your predominant, or
foretop;
because, when you come at the presence-door, you may with once or
twice
stroking up your forehead, thus, enter with your predominant
perfect; that
is, standing up stiff.
MACI. As if one were frighted?
FAST. Ay, sir.
MACI. Which, indeed, a true fear of your mistress should
do, rather than
gum-water, or whites of eggs; is't not so, sir?
FAST. An ingenious observation. Give me leave to crave
your name, sir?
DELI. His name is Macilente, sir.
FAST. Good signior Macilente, if this gentleman, signior
Deliro, furnish
you, as he says he will, with clothes, I will bring you, to-morrow
by this
time, into the presence of the most divine and acute lady in
court; you
shall see sweet silent rhetorick, and dumb eloquence speaking in
her eye,
but when she speaks herself, such an anatomy of wit, so sinewised
and
arterised, that 'tis the goodliest model of pleasure that ever was
to
behold. Oh! she strikes the world into admiration of her; O, O,
O! I
cannot express them, believe me.
MACI. O, your only admiration is your silence, sir.
PUNT. 'Fore God, Carlo, this is good! let's read them
again.
[READS THE BILL.
"If there be any lady or gentlewoman of good carriage that is
desirous to
entertain to her private uses, a young, straight, and upright
gentleman, of
the age of five or six and twenty at the most; who can serve in
the nature
of a gentleman-usher, and hath little legs of purpose, and a black
satin
suit of his own, to go before her in; which suit, for the more
sweetening,
now lies in lavender; and can hide his face with her fan, if need
require;
or sit in the cold at the stair foot for her, as well as another
gentleman:
let her subscribe her name and place, and diligent respect shall
be given."
PUNT. This is above measure excellent, ha!
CAR. No, this, this! here's a fine slave.
[READS.
"If this city, or the suburbs of the same, do afford any young
gentleman of
the first, second, or third head, more or less, whose friends are
but
lately deceased, and whose lands are but new come into his hands,
that, to
be as exactly qualified as the best of our ordinary gallants are,
is
affected to entertain the most gentleman-like use of tobacco; as
first, to
give it the most exquisite perfume; then, to know all the delicate
sweet
forms for the assumption of it; as also the rare corollary and
practice of
the Cuban ebolition, euripus and whiff, which he shall receive or
take in
here at London, and evaporate at Uxbridge, or farther, if it
please him.
If there be any such generous spirit, that is truly enamoured of
these good
faculties; may it please him, but by a note of his hand to specify
the
place or ordinary where he uses to eat and lie; and most sweet
attendance,
with tobacco and pipes of the best sort, shall be ministered.
'Stet,
quaeso, candide Lector.'"
PUNT. Why, this is without parallel, this.
CAR. Well, I'll mark this fellow for Sogliardo's use
presently.
PUNT. Or rather, Sogliardo, for his use.
CAR. Faith, either of them will serve, they are both good
properties:
I'll design the other a place too, that we may see him.
PUNT. No better place than the Mitre, that we may be
spectators with you,
Carlo. Soft, behold who enters here:
ENTER SOGLIARDO.
Signior Sogliardo! save you.
SOG. Save you, good sir Puntarvolo; your dog's in health,
sir, I see: How
now, Carlo?
CAR. We have ta'en simple pains, to choose you out
followers here.
[SHOWS HIM THE BILLS.
PUNT. Come hither, signior.
CLOVE. Monsieur Orange, yon gallants observe us; prithee
let's talk
fustian a little, and gull them; make them believe we are great
scholars.
ORANGE. O lord, sir!
CLOVE. Nay, prithee let us, believe me, — you have an
excellent habit in
discourse.
ORANGE. It pleases you to say so, sir.
CLOVE. By this church, you have, la; nay, come, begin —
Aristotle, in his
daemonologia, approves Scaliger for the best navigator in his
time; and in
his hypercritics, he reports him to be Heautontimorumenos: — you
understand the Greek, sir?
ORANGE. O, good sir!
MACI. For society's sake he does. O, here be a couple of
fine tame parrots!
CLOVE. Now, sir, whereas the ingenuity of the time and the
soul's
synderisis are but embrions in nature, added to the panch of
Esquiline, and
the inter-vallum of the zodiac, besides the ecliptic line being
optic, and
not mental, but by the contemplative and theoric part thereof, doth
demonstrate to us the vegetable circumference, and the ventosity
of the
tropics, and whereas our intellectual, or mincing capreal
(according to the
metaphysicks) as you may read in Plato's Histriomastix — You
conceive me
sir?
ORANGE. O lord, sir!
CLOVE. Then coming to the pretty animal, as reason long
since is fled to
animals, you know, or indeed for the more modelising, or
enamelling, or
rather diamondising of your subject, you shall perceive the
hypothesis, or
galaxia, (whereof the meteors long since had their initial
inceptions and
notions,) to be merely Pythagorical, mathematical, and
aristocratical —
For, look you, sir, there is ever a kind of concinnity and species
— Let
us turn to our former discourse, for they mark us not.
FAST. Mass, yonder's the knight Puntarvolo.
DELI. And my cousin Sogliardo, methinks.
MACI. Ay, and his familiar that haunts him, the devil with
the shining face.
DELI. Let 'em alone, observe 'em not.
[SOGLIARDO, PUNTARVOLO, AND CARLO, WALK TOGETHER.
SOG. Nay, I will have him, I am resolute for that. By this
parchment,
gentlemen, I have been so toiled among the harrots yonder, you
will not
believe! they do speak in the strangest language, and give a man
the
hardest terms for his money, that ever you knew.
CAR. But have you arms, have you arms?
SOG. I'faith, I thank them; I can write myself gentleman
now; here's my
patent, it cost me thirty pound, by this breath.
PUNT. A very fair coat, well charged, and full of armory.
SOG. Nay, it has as much variety of colours in it, as you
have seen a coat
have; how like you the crest, sir?
PUNT. I understand it not well, what is't?
SOG. Marry, sir, it is your boar without a head, rampant.
A boar without
a head, that's very rare!
CAR. Ay, and rampant too! troth, I commend the herald's
wit, he has
decyphered him well: a swine without a head, without brain, wit,
anything
indeed, ramping to gentility. You can blazon the rest, signior,
can you
not?
SOG. O, ay, I have it in writing here of purpose; it cost
me two shilling
the tricking.
CAR. Let's hear, let's hear.
PUNT. It is the most vile, foolish, absurd, palpable, and
ridiculous
escutcheon that ever this eye survised. — Save you, good monsieur
Fastidious.
[THEY SALUTE AS THEY MEET IN THE WALK.
COR. Silence, good knight; on, on.
SOG. [READS.] "Gyrony of eight pieces; azure and gules;
between three
plates, a chevron engrailed checquy, or, vert, and ermins; on a
chief
argent, between two ann'lets sable, a boar's head, proper."
CAR. How's that! on a chief argent?
SOG. [READS.] "On a chief argent, a boar's head proper,
between two
ann'lets sable."
CAR. 'Slud, it's a hog's cheek and puddings in a pewter
field, this.
[HERE THEY SHIFT. FASTIDIOUS MIXES WITH PUNTARVOLO; CARLO AND
SOGLIARDO;
DELIRO AND MACILENTE; CLOVE AND ORANGE; FOUR COUPLE.
SOG. How like you them, signior?
PUNT. Let the word be, 'Not without mustard': your crest is
very rare, sir.
CAR. A frying-pan to the crest, had had no fellow.
FAST. Intreat your poor friend to walk off a little,
signior, I will
salute the knight.
CAR. Come, lap it up, lap it up.
FAST. You are right well encounter'd, sir; how does your
fair dog?
PUNT. In reasonable state, sir; what citizen is that you
were consorted
with? A merchant of any worth?
FAST. 'Tis signior Deliro, sir.
PUNT. Is it he? — Save you, sir!
[THEY SALUTE.
DELI. Good sir Puntarvolo!
MACI. O what copy of fool would this place minister, to one
endued with
patience to observe it!
CAR. Nay, look you, sir, now you are a gentleman, you must
carry a more
exalted presence, change your mood and habit to a more austere
form; be
exceeding proud, stand upon your gentility, and scorn every man;
speak
nothing humbly, never discourse under a nobleman, though you never
saw him
but riding to the star-chamber, it's all one. Love no man: trust
no man:
speak ill of no man to his face; nor well of any man behind his
back.
Salute fairly on the front, and wish them hanged upon the turn.
Spread
yourself upon his bosom publicly, whose heart you would eat in
private.
These be principles, think on them; I'll come to you again
presently.
[EXIT.
PUNT. [TO HIS SERVANT.] Sirrah, keep close; yet not so
close: thy breath
will thaw my ruff.
SOG. O, good cousin, I am a little busy, how does my niece?
I am to walk
with a knight, here.
ENTER FUNGOSO WITH HIS TAILOR.
FUNG. O, he is here; look you, sir, that's the gentleman.
TAI. What, he in the blush-coloured satin?
FUNG. Ay, he, sir; though his suit blush, he blushes not,
look you, that's
the suit, sir: I would have mine such a suit without difference,
such
stuff, such a wing, such a sleeve, such a skirt, belly and all;
therefore,
pray you observe it. Have you a pair of tables?
FAST. Why, do you see, sir, they say I am fantastical; why,
true, I know
it, and I pursue my humour still, in contempt of this censorious
age.
'Slight, an a man should do nothing but what a sort of stale
judgments
about him this town will approve in him, he were a sweet ass: I'd
beg him,
i'faith. I ne'er knew any more find fault with a fashion, than
they that
knew not how to put themselves into it. For mine own part, so I
please
mine own appetite, I am careless what the fusty world speaks of
me. Puh!
FUNG. Do you mark, how it hangs at the knee there?
TAI. I warrant you, sir.
FUNG. For God's sake do, not all; do you see the collar,
sir?
TAI. Fear nothing, it shall not differ in a stitch, sir.
FUNG. Pray heaven it do not! you'll make these linings
serve, and help me
to a chapman for the outside, will you?
TAI. I'll do my best, sir: you'll put it off presently.
FUNG. Ay, go with me to my chamber you shall have it — but
make haste of
it, for the love of a customer; for I'll sit in my old suit, or
else lie a
bed, and read the 'Arcadia' till you have done.
[EXIT WITH HIS TAILOR.
RE-ENTER CARLO.
CAR. O, if ever you were struck with a jest, gallants, now,
now, now, I do
usher the most strange piece of military profession that ever was
discovered in 'Insula Paulina'.
FAST. Where? where?
PUNT. What is he for a creature?
CAR. A pimp, a pimp, that I have observed yonder, the
rarest superficies
of a humour; he comes every morning to empty his lungs in Paul's
here; and
offers up some five or six hecatombs of faces and sighs, and away
again.
Here he comes; nay, walk, walk, be not seen to note him, and we
shall have
excellent sport.
ENTER SHIFT; AND WALKS BY, USING ACTION TO HIS RAPIER.
PUNT. 'Slid, he vented a sigh e'en now, I thought he would
have blown up
the church.
CAR. O, you shall have him give a number of those false
fires ere he depart.
FAST. See, now he is expostulating with his rapier: look,
look!
CAR. Did you ever in your days observe better passion over
a hilt?
PUNT. Except it were in the person of a cutlet's boy, or
that the fellow
were nothing but vapour, I should think it impossible.
CAR. See again, he claps his sword o' the head, as who
should say, well,
go to.
FAST. O violence! I wonder the blade can contain itself,
being so provoked.
CAR. "With that the moody squire thumpt his breast,
And rear'd his eyen to heaven for revenge."
SOG. Troth, an you be good gentlemen, let's make them
friends, and take up
the matter between his rapier and him.
CAR. Nay, if you intend that, you must lay down the matter;
for this
rapier, it seems, is in the nature of a hanger-on, and the good
gentleman
would happily be rid of him.
FAST. By my faith, and 'tis to be suspected; I'll ask him.
MACI. O, here's rich stuff! for life's sake, let us go:
A man would wish himself a senseless pillar,
Rather than view these monstrous prodigies:
"Nil habet infelix paupertas durius in se,
Quam quod ridiculos homines facit —"
[EXIT WITH DELIRO.
FAST. Signior.
SHIFT. At your service.
FAST. Will you sell your rapier?
CAR. He is turn'd wild upon the question; he looks as he
had seen a serjeant.
SHIFT. Sell my rapier! now fate bless me!
PUNT. Amen.
SHIFT. You ask'd me if I would sell my rapier, sir?
FAST. I did indeed.
SHIFT. Now, lord have mercy upon me!
PUNT. Amen, I say still.
SHIFT. 'Slid, sir, what should you behold in my face, sir,
that should
move you, as they say, sir, to ask me, sir, if I would sell my
rapier?
FAST. Nay, let me pray you sir, be not moved: I protest, I
would rather
have been silent, than any way offensive, had I known your nature.
SHIFT. Sell my rapier? 'ods lid! — Nay, sir, for mine own
part, as I am
a man that has serv'd in causes, or so, so I am not apt to injure
any
gentleman in the degree of falling foul, but — sell my rapier! I
will
tell you, sir, I have served with this foolish rapier, where some
of us
dare not appear in haste; I name no man; but let that pass. Sell
my
rapier! — death to my lungs! This rapier, sir, has travell'd by
my side,
sir, the best part of France, and the Low Country: I have seen
Flushing,
Brill, and the Hague, with this rapier, sir, in my Lord of
Leicester's
time; and by God's will, he that should offer to disrapier me now,
I would
— Look you, sir, you presume to be a gentleman of sort, and so
likewise
your friends here; if you have any disposition to travel for the
sight of
service, or so, one, two, or all of you, I can lend you letters to
divers
officers and commanders in the Low Countries, that shall for my
cause do
you all the good offices, that shall pertain or belong to
gentleman of your
—— [LOWERING HIS VOICE.] Please you to shew the bounty of your
mind,
sir, to impart some ten groats, or half a crown to our use, till
our
ability be of growth to return it, and we shall think oneself ——
'Sblood!
sell my rapier!
SOG. I pray you, what said he, signior? he's a proper man.
FAST. Marry, he tells me, if I please to shew the bounty of
my mind, to
impart some ten groats to his use, or so —
PUNT. Break his head, and give it him.
CAR. I thought he had been playing o' the Jew's trump, I.
SHIFT. My rapier! no, sir; my rapier is my guard, my
defence, my revenue,
my honour; — if you cannot impart, be secret, I beseech you —
and I will
maintain it, where there is a grain of dust, or a drop of water.
[SIGHS.]
Hard is the choice when the valiant must eat their arms, or clem.
Sell my
rapier! no, my dear, I will not be divorced from thee, yet; I
have ever
found thee true as steel, and — You cannot impart, sir? — Save
you,
gentlemen; — nevertheless, if you have a fancy to it, sir —
FAST. Prithee away: Is signior Deliro departed?
CAR. Have you seen a pimp outface his own wants better?
SOG. I commend him that can dissemble them so well.
PUNT. True, and having no better a cloak for it than he has
neither.
FAST. Od's precious, what mischievous luck is this! adieu,
gentlemen.
PUNT. Whither in such haste, monsieur Fastidious?
FAST. After my merchant, signior Deliro, sir.
[EXIT.
CAR. O hinder him not, he may hap lose his title; a good
flounder, i'faith.
[ORANGE AND CLOVE CALL SHIFT ASIDE.
CAR. How! signior Whiffe?
ORANGE. What was the difference between that gallant that's
gone and you, sir?
SHIFT. No difference; he would have given me five pound for
my rapier, and
I refused it; that's all.
CLOVE. O, was it no otherwise? we thought you had been
upon some terms.
SHIFT. No other than you saw, sir.
CLOVE. Adieu, good master Apple-John.
[EXIT WITH ORANGE.
CAR. How! Whiffe, and Apple-John too? Heart, what will
you say if this
be the appendix or label to both you indentures?
PUNT. It may be.
CAR. Resolve us of it, Janus, thou that look'st every way;
or thou,
Hercules, that has travelled all countries.
PUNT. Nay, Carlo, spend not time in invocations now, 'tis
late.
CAR. Signior, here's a gentleman desirous of your name, sir.
SHIFT. Sir, my name is cavalier Shift: I am known
sufficiently in this
walk, sir.
CAR. Shift! I heard your name varied even now, as I take
it.
SHIFT. True, sir, it pleases the world, as I am her
excellent tobacconist,
to give me the style of signior Whiffe; as I am a poor esquire
about the
town here, they call me master Apple-John. Variety of good names
does
well, sir.
CAR. Ay, and good parts, to make those good names; out of
which I imagine
yon bills to be yours.
SHIFT. Sir, if I should deny the manuscripts, I were worthy
to be banish'd
the middle aisle for ever.
CAR. I take your word, sir: this gentleman has subscribed
to them, and is
most desirous to become your pupil. Marry, you must use
expedition.
Signior Insulso Sogliardo, this is the professor.
SOG. In good time, sir: nay, good sir, house your head; do
you profess
these sleights in tobacco?
SHIFT. I do more than profess, sir, and, if you please to
be a
practitioner, I will undertake in one fortnight to bring you, that
you
shall take it plausibly in any ordinary, theatre, or the
Tilt-yard, if need
be, in the most popular assembly that is.
PUNT. But you cannot bring him to the whiffe so soon?
SHIFT. Yes, as soon, sir; he shall receive the first,
second, and third
whiffe, if it please him, and, upon the receipt, take his horse,
drink his
three cups of canary, and expose one at Hounslow, a second at
Stains, and a
third at Bagshot.
CAR. Baw-waw!
SOG. You will not serve me, sir, will you? I'll give you
more than
countenance.
SHIFT. Pardon me, sir, I do scorn to serve any man.
CAR. Who! he serve? 'sblood, he keeps high men, and low
men, he! he has
a fair living at Fullam.
SHIFT. But in the nature of a fellow, I'll be your
follower, if you please.
SOG. Sir, you shall stay, and dine with me, and if we can
agree, we'll not
part in haste: I am very bountiful to men of quality. Where
shall we go,
signior?
PUNT. Your Mitre is your best house.
SHIFT. I can make this dog take as many whiffes as I list,
and he shall
retain, or effume them, at my pleasure.
PUNT. By your patience, follow me, fellows.
SOG. Sir Puntarvolo!
PUNT. Pardon me, my dog shall not eat in his company for a
million.
[EXIT WITH HIS SERVANTS.
CAR. Nay, be not you amazed, signior Whiffe, whatever that
stiff-necked
gentleman says.
SOG. No, for you do not know the humour of the dog, as we
do: Where shall
we dine, Carlo? I would fain go to one of these ordinaries, now I
am a
gentleman.
CAR. So you may; were you never at any yet?
SOG. No, faith; but they say there resorts your most choice
gallants.
CAR. True, and the fashion is, when any stranger comes in
amongst 'em,
they all stand up and stare at him, as he were some unknown beast,
brought
out of Africk; but that will be helped with a good adventurous
face. You
must be impudent enough, sit down, and use no respect: when
anything's
propounded above your capacity smile at it, make two or three
faces, and
'tis excellent; they'll think you have travell'd; though you
argue, a whole
day, in silence thus, and discourse in nothing but laughter,
'twill pass.
Only, now and then, give fire, discharge a good full oath, and
offer a
great wager; 'twill be admirable.
SOG. I warrant you, I am resolute; come, good signior,
there's a poor
French crown for your ordinary.
SHIFT. It comes well, for I had not so much as the least
portcullis of
coin before.
MIT. I travail with another objection, signior, which I
fear will be
enforced against the author, ere I can be deliver'd of it.
COR. What's that sir?
MIT. That the argument of his comedy might have been of
some other nature,
as of a duke to be in love with a countess, and that countess to
be in love
with the duke's son, and the son to love the lady's waiting maid;
some such
cross wooing, with a clown to their servingman, better than to be
thus
near, and familiarly allied to the time.
COR. You say well, but I would fain hear one of these
autumn-judgments
define once, "Quid sit comoedia?" if he cannot, let him content
himself
with Cicero's definition, till he have strength to propose to
himself a
better, who would have a comedy to be 'imitatio vitae, speculum
consuetudinis, imago veritatis'; a thing throughout pleasant and
ridiculous, and accommodated to the correction of manners: if the
maker
have fail'd in any particle of this, they may worthily tax him;
but if not,
why — be you, that are for them, silent, as I will be for him;
and give
way to the actors.
ENTER SORDIDO, WITH A HALTER ABOUT HIS NECK.
SORD. Nay, God's precious, if the weather and season be so
respectless,
that beggars shall live as well as their betters; and that my
hunger and
thirst for riches shall not make them hunger and thirst with
poverty; that
my sleep shall be broken, and their hearts not broken; that my
coffers
shall be full, and yet care; their's empty, and yet merry; — 'tis
time
that a cross should bear flesh and blood, since flesh and blood
cannot bear
this cross.
MIT. What, will he hang himself?
COR. Faith, ay; it seems his prognostication has not kept
touch with him,
and that makes him despair.
MIT. Beshrew me, he will be 'out of his humour' then indeed.
SORD. Tut, these star-monger knaves, who would trust them?
One says dark
and rainy, when 'tis as clear as chrystal; another says,
tempestuous blasts
and storms, and 'twas as calm as a milk-bowl; here be sweet
rascals for a
man to credit his whole fortunes with! You sky-staring coxcombs
you, you
fat-brains, out upon you; you are good for nothing but to sweat
night-caps,
and make rug-gowns dear! you learned men, and have not a legion
of devils
'a votre service! a votre service!' by heaven, I think I shall
die a
better scholar than they: but soft —
ENTER A HIND, WITH A LETTER.
How now, sirrah?
HIND. Here's a letter come from your son, sir.
SORD. From my son, sir! what would my son, sir? some good
news, no doubt.
[READS.
"Sweet and dear father, desiring you first to send me your
blessing, which
is more worth to me than gold or silver, I desire you likewise to
be
advertised, that this Shrove-tide, contrary to custom, we use
always to
have revels; which is indeed dancing, and makes an excellent shew
in truth;
especially if we gentlemen be well attired, which our seniors
note, and
think the better of our fathers, the better we are maintained, and
that
they shall know if they come up, and have anything to do in the
law;
therefore, good father, these are, for your own sake as well as
mine, to
re-desire you, that you let me not want that which is fit for the
setting
up of our name, in the honourable volume of gentility, that I may
say to
our calumniators, with Tully, 'Ego sum ortus domus meae, tu
occasus tuae.'
And thus, not doubting of your fatherly benevolence, I humbly ask
your
blessing, and pray God to bless you.
Yours, if his own," [FUNGOSO.]
How's this! "Yours, if his own!" Is he not my son, except he be
his own
son? belike this is some new kind of subscription the gallants
use. Well!
wherefore dost thou stay, knave? away; go.
[EXIT HIND.]
Here's a letter, indeed! revels? and benevolence? is this a
weather to
send benevolence? or is this a season to revel in? 'Slid, the
devil and
all takes part to vex me, I think! this letter would never have
come now
else, now, now, when the sun shines, and the air thus clear.
Soul! If
this hold, se shall shortly have an excellent crop of corn spring
out of
the high ways: the streets and houses of the town will be hid
with the
rankness of the fruits, that grow there in spite of good
husbandry. Go to,
I'll prevent the sight of it, come as quickly as it can, I will
prevent the
sight of it. I have this remedy, heaven.
[CLAMBERS UP, AND SUSPENDS THE HALTER TO A TREE.]
Stay; I'll try the pain thus a little. O, nothing, nothing. Well
now!
shall my son gain a benevolence by my death? or anybody be the
better for
my gold, or so forth? no; alive I kept it from them, and dead, my
ghost
shall walk about it, and preserve it. My son and daughter shall
starve ere
they touch it; I have hid it as deep as hell from the sight of
heaven, and
to it I go now.
[FLINGS HIMSELF OFF.
ENTER FIVE OR SIX RUSTICS, ONE AFTER ANOTHER.
1 RUST. Ah me, what pitiful sight is this! help, help, help!
2 RUST. How now! what's the matter?
1 RUST. O, here's a man has hang'd himself, help to get him again.
2 RUST. Hang'd himself! 'Slid, carry him afore a justice, 'tis
chance-medley, o' my word.
3 RUST. How now, what's here to do?
4 RUST. How comes this?
2 RUST. One has executed himself, contrary to order of law, and
by my
consent he shall answer it.
[THEY CUT HIM DOWN.
5 RUST. Would he were in case to answer it!
1 RUST. Stand by, he recovers, give him breath.
SORD. Oh!
5 RUST. Mass, 'twas well you went the footway, neighbour.
1 RUST. Ay, an I had not cut the halter —
SORD. How! cut the halter! ah me, I am undone, I am
undone!
2 RUST. Marry, if you had not been undone, you had been hang'd.
I can
tell you.
SORD. You thread-bare, horse-bread-eating rascals, if you
would needs have
been meddling, could you not have untied it, but you must cut it;
and in
the midst too! ah me!
1 RUST. Out on me, 'tis the caterpillar Sordido! how curst are
the poor,
that the viper was blest with this good fortune!
2 RUST. Nay, how accurst art thou, that art cause to the curse of
the poor?
3 RUST. Ay, and to save so wretched a caitiff?
4 RUST. Curst be thy fingers that loos'd him!
2 RUST. Some desperate fury possess thee, that thou may'st hang
thyself too!
5 RUST. Never may'st thou be saved, that saved so damn'd a
monster!
SORD. What curses breathe these men! how have my deeds
Made my looks differ from another man's,
That they should thus detest and loath my life!
Out on my wretched humour! it is that
Makes me thus monstrous in true humane eyes.
Pardon me, gentle friends, I'll make fair 'mends
For my foul errors past, and twenty-fold
Restore to all men, what with wrong I robb'd them:
My barns and garners shall stand open still
To all the poor that come, and my best grain
Be made alms-bread, to feed half-famish'd mouths.
Though hitherto amongst you I have lived,
Like an unsavoury muck-hill to myself,
Yet now my gather'd heaps being spread abroad,
Shall turn to better and more fruitful uses.
Bless then this man, curse him no more for the saving
My life and soul together. O how deeply
The bitter curses of the poor do pierce!
I am by wonder changed; come in with me
And witness my repentance: now I prove,
No life is blest, that is not graced with love.
[EXIT.
2 RUST. O miracle! see when a man has grace!
3 RUST. Had it not been pity so good a man should have been cast
away?
2 RUST. Well, I'll get our clerk put his conversion in the 'Acts
and
Monuments'.
4 RUST. Do, for I warrant him he's a martyr.
2 RUST. O God, how he wept, if you mark'd it! did you see how
the tears
trill'd?
5 RUST. Yes, believe me, like master vicar's bowls upon the
green, for all
the world.
3 RUST. O neighbour, God's blessing o' your heart, neighbour,
'twas a good
grateful deed.
[EXEUNT.
COR. How now, Mitis! what's that you consider so seriously?
MIT. Troth, that which doth essentially please me, the
warping condition
of this green and soggy multitude; but in good faith, signior,
your author
hath largely outstript my expectation in this scene, I will
liberally
confess it. For when I saw Sordido so desperately intended, I
thought I
had had a hand of him, then.
COR. What! you supposed he should have hung himself indeed?
MIT. I did, and had framed my objection to it ready, which
may yet be
very fitly urged, and with some necessity; for though his purposed
violence
lost the effect, and extended not to death, yet the intent and
horror of
the object was more than the nature of a comedy will in any sort
admit.
COR. Ay! what think you of Plautus, in his comedy called
'Cistellaria'?
there, where he brings in Alcesimarchus with a drum sword ready to
kill
himself, and as he is e'en fixing his breast upon it, to be
restrained from
his resolved outrage, by Silenium and the bawd? Is not his
authority of
power to give our scene approbation?
MIT. Sir, I have this only evasion left me, to say, I think
it be so
indeed; your memory is happier than mine: but I wonder, what
engine he
will use to bring the rest out of their humours!
COR. That will appear anon, never pre-occupy your
imagination withal. Let
your mind keep company with the scene still, which now removes
itself from
the country to the court. Here comes Macilente, and signior Brisk
freshly
suited; lose not yourself, for now the epitasis, or busy part of
our
subject, is an act.
ENTER MACILENTE, FASTIDIOUS, BOTH IN A NEW SUIT, AND CINEDO, WITH
TOBACCO.
FAST. Well, now signior Macilente, you are not only welcome
to the court,
but also to my mistress's withdrawing chamber — Boy, get me some
tobacco.
I'll but go in, and shew I am here, and come to you presently, sir.
[EXIT.
MACI. What's that he said? by heaven, I mark'd him not:
My thoughts and I were of another world.
I was admiring mine own outside here,
To think what privilege and palm it bears
Here, in the court! be a man ne'er so vile,
In wit, in judgment, manners, or what else;
If he can purchase but a silken cover,
He shall not only pass, but pass regarded:
Whereas, let him be poor, and meanly clad,
Though ne'er so richly parted, you shall have
A fellow that knows nothing but his beef,
Or how to rince his clammy guts in beer,
Will take him by the shoulders, or the throat,
And kick him down the stairs. Such is the state
Of virtue in bad clothes! — ha, ha, ha, ha!
That raiment should be in such high request!
How long should I be, ere I should put off
To the lord chancellor's tomb, or the shrives' poste?
By heav'n, I think, a thousand, thousand year.
His gravity, his wisdom, and his faith
To my dread sovereign, graces that survive him,
These I could well endure to reverence,
But not his tomb; no more than I'd commend
The chapel organ for the gilt without,
Or this base-viol, for the varnish'd face.
RE-ENTER FASTIDIOUS.
FAST. I fear I have made you stay somewhat long, sir; but
is my tobacco
ready, boy?
CIN. Ay, sir.
FAST. Give me; my mistress is upon coming, you shall see
her presently,
sir. [PUFFS.] You'll say you never accosted a more piercing wit.
— This
tobacco is not dried, boy, or else the pipe is defective. — Oh,
your wits
of Italy are nothing comparable to her: her brain's a very quiver
of
jests, and she does dart them abroad with that sweet, loose, and
judicial
aim, that you would — here she comes, sir.
[SAVIOLINA LOOKS IN, AND DRAWS BACK AGAIN.
MACI. 'Twas time, his invention had been bogged else.
SAV. [WITHIN.] Give me my fan there.
MACI. How now, monsieur Brisk?
FAST. A kind of affectionate reverence strikes me with a
cold shivering,
methinks.
MACI. I like such tempers well, as stand before their
mistresses with fear
and trembling; and before their Maker, like impudent mountains!
FAST. By this hand, I'd spend twenty pound my vaulting
horse stood here
now, she might see do but one trick.
MACI. Why, does she love activity?
CIN. Or, if you had but your long stockings on, to be dancing a
galliard
as she comes by.
FAST. Ay, either. O, these stirring humours make ladies
mad with desire;
she comes. My good genius embolden me: boy, the pipe quickly.
ENTER SAVIOLINA.
MACI. What! will he give her music?
FAST. A second good morrow to my fair mistress.
SAV. Fair servant, I'll thank you a day hence, when the
date of your
salutation comes forth.
FAST. How like you that answer? is't not admirable?
MACI. I were a simple courtier, if I could not admire
trifles, sir.
FAST. [TALKS AND TAKES TOBACCO BETWEEN THE BREAKS.] Troth,
sweet lady, I
shall [PUFFS] — be prepared to give you thanks for those thanks,
and —
study more officious, and obsequious regards — to your fair
beauties. —
Mend the pipe, boy.
MACI. I never knew tobacco taken as a parenthesis before.
FAST. 'Fore God, sweet lady, believe it, I do honour the
meanest rush in
this chamber for your love.
SAV. Ay, you need not tell me that, sir; I do think you do
prize a rush
before my love.
MACI. Is this the wonder of nations!
FAST. O, by this air, pardon me, I said 'for' your love, by
this light:
but it is the accustomed sharpness of your ingenuity, sweet
mistress, to
[TAKES DOWNTHE VIOL, AND PLAYS] — mass, your viol's new strung,
methinks.
MACI. Ingenuity! I see his ignorance will not suffer him
to slander her,
which he had done notably, if he had said wit for ingenuity, as he
meant it.
FAST. By the soul of music, lady — HUM, HUM.
SAV. Would we might hear it once.
FAST. I do more adore and admire your — HUM, HUM —
predominant
perfections, than — HUM, HUM — ever I shall have power and
faculty to
express — HUM.
SAV. Upon the viol de gambo, you mean?
FAST. It's miserably out of tune, by this hand.
SAV. Nay, rather by the fingers.
MACI. It makes good harmony with her wit.
FAST. Sweet lady, tune it. [SAVIOLINA TUNES THE VIOL.] —
Boy, some tobacco.
MACI. Tobacco again! he does court his mistress with very
exceeding good
changes.
FAST. Signior Macilente, you take none, sir?
MACI. No, unless I had a mistress, signior, it were a great
indecorum for
me to take tobacco.
FAST. How like you her wit?
[TALKS AND TAKES TOBACCO BETWEEN AGAIN.
MACI. Her ingenuity is excellent, sir.
FAST. You see the subject of her sweet fingers there — Oh,
she tickles it
so, that — She makes it laugh most divinely; — I'll tell you a
good jest
now, and yourself shall say it's a good one: I have wished myself
to be
that instrument, I think, a thousand times, and not so few, by
heaven! —
MACI. Not unlike, sir; but how? to be cased up and hung by
on the wall?
FAST. O, no, sir, to be in use, I assure you; as your
judicious eyes may
testify. —
SAV. Here, servant, if you will play, come.
FAST. Instantly, sweet lady. — In good faith, here's most
divine tobacco!
SAV. Nay, I cannot stay to dance after your pipe.
FAST. Good! Nay, dear lady, stay; by this sweet smoke, I
think your wit
be all fire. —
MACI. And he's the salamander belongs to it.
SAV. Is your tobacco perfumed, servant, that you swear by
the sweet smoke?
FAST. Still more excellent! Before heaven, and these
bright lights, I
think — you are made of ingenuity, I —
MACI. True, as your discourse is. O abominable!
FAST. Will your ladyship take any?
SAV. O peace, I pray you; I love not the breath of a
woodcock's head.
FAST. Meaning my head, lady?
SAV. Not altogether so, sir; but, as it were fatal to their
follies that
think to grace themselves with taking tobacco, when they want
better
entertainment, you see your pipe bears the true form of a
woodcock's head.
FAST. O admirable simile!
AV. 'Tis best leaving of you in admiration, sir.
[EXIT.
MACI. Are these the admired lady-wits, that having so good
a plain song,
can run no better division upon it? All her jests are of the
stamp March
was fifteen years ago. Is this the comet, monsieur Fastidious,
that your
gallants wonder at so?
FAST. Heart of a gentleman, to neglect me afore the
presence thus! Sweet
sir, I beseech you be silent in my disgrace. By the muses, I was
never in
so vile a humour in my life, and her wit was at the flood too!
Report it
not for a million, good sir: let me be so far endeared to your
love.
[EXEUNT.
MIT. What follows next, signior Cordatus? this gallant's
humour is almost
spent; methinks it ebbs apace, with this contrary breath of his
mistress.
COR. O, but it will flow again for all this, till there
come a general
drought of humour among our actors, and then I fear not but his
will fall
as low as any. See who presents himself here!
MIT. What, in the old case?
COR. Ay, faith, which makes it the more pitiful; you
understand where the
scene is?
ENTER FUNGOSO, FALLACE FOLLOWING HIM.
FAL. Why are you so melancholy, brother?
FUNG. I am not melancholy, I thank you, sister.
FAL. Why are you not merry then? there are but two of us
in all the
world, and if we should not be comforts one to another, God help
us!
FUNG. Faith, I cannot tell, sister; but if a man had any
true melancholy
in him, it would make him melancholy to see his yeomanly father
cut his
neighbours' throats, to make his son a gentleman; and yet, when he
has cut
them, he will see his son's throat cut too, ere he make him a true
gentleman indeed, before death cut his own throat. I must be the
first
head of our house, and yet he will not give me the head till I be
made so.
Is any man termed a gentleman, that is not always in the fashion?
I would
know but that.
FAL. If you be melancholy for that, brother, I think I have
as much cause
to be melancholy as any one: for I'll be sworn, I live as little
in the
fashion as any woman in London. By the faith of a gentlewoman,
beast that
I am to say it! I have not one friend in the world besides my
husband.
When saw you master Fastidious Brisk, brother?
FUNG. But a while since, sister, I think: I know not well
in truth. By
this hand I could fight with all my heart, methinks.
FAL. Nay, good brother, be not resolute.
FUNG. I sent him a letter, and he writes me no answer
neither.
FAL. Oh, sweet Fastidious Brisk! O fine courtier! thou
are he makest me
sigh, and say, how blessed is that woman that hath a courtier to
her
husband, and how miserable a dame she is, that hath neither
husband, nor
friend in the court! O sweet Fastidious! O fine courtier! How
comely he
bows him in his court'sy! how full he hits a woman between the
lips when
he kisses! how upright he sits at the table! how daintily he
carves! how
sweetly he talks, and tells news of this lord and of that lady!
how
cleanly he wipes his spoon at every spoonful of any whitemeat he
eats! and
what a neat case of pick-tooths he carries about him still! O
sweet
Fastidious! O fine courtier!
ENTER DELIRO AT A DISTANCE, WITH MUSICIANS.
DELI. See, yonder she is, gentlemen. Now, as ever you'll
bear the name of
musicians, touch your instruments sweetly; she has a delicate ear,
I tell
you: play not a false note, I beseech you.
MUSI. Fear not, signior Deliro.
DELI. O, begin, begin, some sprightly thing: lord, how my
imagination
labours with the success of it! [THEY STRIKE UP A LIVELY TUNE.]
Well
said, good i'faith! Heaven grant it please her. I'll not be
seen, for
then she'll be sure to dislike it.
FAL. Hey — da! this is excellent! I'll lay my life this
is my husband's
dotage. I thought so; nay, never play bo-peep with me; I know you
do
nothing but study how to anger me, sir.
DELI. [COMING FORWARD.] Anger thee, sweet wife! why,
didst thou not send
for musicians at supper last night thyself?
FAL. To supper, sir! now, come up to supper, I beseech
you: as though
there were no difference between supper-time, when folks should be
merry,
and this time when they should be melancholy. I would never take
upon me
to take a wife, if I had no more judgment to please her.
DELI. Be pleased, sweet wife, and they shall have done; and
would to fate
my life were done, if I can never please thee!
[EXEUNT MUSICIANS.
ENTER MACILENTE.
MACI. Save you lady; where is master Deliro?
DELI. Here, master Macilente: you are welcome from court,
sir; no doubt
you have been graced exceedingly of master Brisk's mistress, and
the rest
of the ladies for his sake.
MACI. Alas, the poor fantastic! he's scarce known
To any lady there; and those that know him,
Know him the simplest man of all they know:
Deride, and play upon his amorous humours,
Though he but apishly doth imitate
The gallant'st courtiers, kissing ladies' pumps,
Holding the cloth for them, praising their wits,
And servilely observing every one
May do them pleasure: fearful to be seen
With any man, though he be ne'er so worthy,
That's not in grace with some that are the greatest.
Thus courtiers do, and these he counterfeits,
But sets no such a sightly carriage
Upon their vanities, as they themselves;
And therefore they despise him: for indeed
He's like the zany to a tumbler,
That tries tricks after him, to make men laugh.
FAL. Here's an unthankful spiteful wretch! the good
gentleman vouchsafed
to make him his companion, because my husband put him into a few
rags, and
now see how the unrude rascal backbites him!
[ASIDE.
DELI. Is he no more graced amongst them then, say you?
MACI. Faith, like a pawn at chess: fills up a room, that's
all.
FAL. O monster of men! can the earth bear such an envious
caitiff?
[ASIDE.
DELI. Well, I repent me I ever credited him so much: but
now I see what
he is, and that his masking vizor is off, I'll forbear him no
longer. All
his lands are mortgaged to me, and forfeited; besides, I have
bonds of his
in my hand, for the receipt of now fifty pounds now a hundred, now
two
hundred; still, as he has had a fan but wagged at him, he would be
in a new
suit. Well, I'll salute him by a serjeant, the next time I see him
i'faith, I'll suit him.
MACI. Why, you may soon see him sir, for he is to meet
signior Puntarvolo
at a notary's by the Exchange, presently; where he meant to take
up, upon
return.
FAL. Now, out upon thee, Judas! canst thou not be content
to backbite thy
friend, but thou must betray him! Wilt thou seek the undoing of
any man?
and of such a man too? and will you, sir, get your living by the
counsel
of traitors?
DELI. Dear wife, have patience.
FAL. The house will fall, the ground will open and swallow
us: I'll not
bide here for all the gold and silver in heaven.
[EXIT WITH FUNGOSO.
DELI. O, good Macilente, let's follow and appease her, or
the peace of my
life is at an end.
[EXIT.
MACI. Now pease, and not peace, feed that life, whose head
hangs so
heavily over a woman's manger!
[EXIT.
ENTER FALLACE AND FUNGOSO RUNNING; SHE CLAPS TO THE DOOR.
FAL. Help me, brother! Ods body, an you come here I'll do
myself a mischief.
DELI. [WITHIN.] Nay, hear me, sweet wife; unless thou wilt
have me go, I
will not go.
FAL. Tut, you shall never have that vantage of me, to say,
you are undone
by me. I'll not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's
four
angels, I'll give you towards your suit: for the love of gentry,
and as
ever you came of Christian creature, make haste to the water side,
(you
know where master Fastidious uses to land,) and give him warning
of my
husband's malicious intent; and tell him of that lean rascal's
treachery.
O heavens, how my flesh rises at him! Nay, sweet brother, make
haste: you
may say, I would have writ to him, but that the necessity of the
time would
not permit. He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me:
and
commend me to him, good brother; say, I sent you.
[EXIT.
FUNG. Let me see, these four angels, and then forty
shillings more I can
borrow on my gown in Fetter Lane. — Well, I will go presently,
say on my
suit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into credit
with my
tailor for the rest.
[EXIT.
ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.
DELI. O, on my soul you wrong her, Macilente. Though she
be froward, yet
I know she is honest.
MACI. Well, then have I no judgment. Would any woman, but
one that were
wild in her affections, have broke out into that immodest and
violent
passion against her husband? or is't possible —
DELI. If you love me, forbear; all the arguments i' the
world shall never
wrest my heart to believe it.
[EXEUNT.
COR. How like you the deciphering of his dotage?
MIT. O, strangely: an of the other's envy too, that
labours so seriously
to set debate betwixt a man and his wife. Stay, here comes the
knight
adventurer.
COR. Ay, and his scrivener with him.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, NOTARY, AND SERVANTS WITH THE DOG AND CAT.
PUNT. I wonder monsieur Fastidious comes not! But, notary,
if thou please
to draw the indentures the while, I will give thee thy
instructions.
NOT. With all my heart, sir; and I'll fall in hand with
them presently.
PUNT. Well then, first the sum is to be understood.
NOT. [WRITES.] Good, sir.
PUNT. Next, our several appellations, and character of my
dog and cat,
must be known. Shew him the cat, sirrah.
NOT. So, sir.
PUNT. Then, that the intended bound is the Turk's court in
Constantinople;
the time limited for our return, a year; and that if either of us
miscarry,
the whole venture is lost. These are general, conceiv'st thou?
or if
either of us turn Turk.
NOT. Ay, sir.
PUNT. Now, for particulars: that I may make my travels by
sea or land, to
my best liking; and that hiring a coach for myself, it shall be
lawful for
my dog or cat, or both, to ride with me in the said coach.
NOT. Very good, sir.
PUNT. That I may choose to give my dog or cat, fish, for
fear of bones; or
any other nutriment that, by the judgment of the most authentical
physicians where I travel, shall be thought dangerous.
NOT. Well, sir.
PUNT. That, after the receipt of his money, he shall
neither, in his own
person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means, as
magic,
witchcraft, or other such exotic arts, attempt, practise, or
complot any
thing to the prejudice of me, my dog, or my cat: neither shall I
use the
help of any such sorceries or enchantments, as unctions to make
our skins
impenetrable, or to travel invisible by virtue of a powder, or a
ring, or
to hang any three-forked charm about my dog's neck, secretly
conveyed into
his collar; (understand you?) but that all be performed sincerely,
without
fraud or imposture.
NOT. So, sir.
PUNT. That, for testimony of the performance, myself am to
bring thence a
Turk's mustachio, my dog a Grecian hare's lips, and my cat the
train or
tail of a Thracian rat.
NOT. [WRITES.] 'Tis done, sir.
PUNT. 'Tis said, sir; not done, sir. But forward; that,
upon my return,
and landing on the Tower-wharf, with the aforesaid testimony, I am
to
receive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums put
forth.
NOT. Well, sir.
PUNT. Provided, that if before our departure, or setting
forth, either
myself or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual
event, so
that the whole course of the adventure be hindered thereby, that
then he is
to return, and I am to receive the prenominated proportion upon
fair and
equal terms.
NOT. Very good, sir; is this all?
PUNT. It is all, sir; and dispatch them, good notary.
NOT. As fast as is possible, sir.
[EXIT.
ENTER CARLO.
PUNT. O Carlo! welcome: saw you monsieur Brisk?
CAR. Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?
PUNT. Ay, and I muse he should be so tardy; he is to take
an hundred
pounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.
CAR. Is his hour past?
PUNT. Not yet, but it comes on apace.
CAR. Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all
the
commandments, than his hour; upon my life, in such a case trust
him.
PUNT. Methinks, Carlo, you look very smooth, ha!
CAR. Why, I came but now from a hot-house; I must needs
look smooth.
PUNT. From a hot-house!
CAR. Ay, do you make a wonder on't? why, it is your only
physic. Let a
man sweat once a week in a hot-house, and be well rubb'd, and
froted, with
a good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er have the
pox.
PUNT. What, the French pox?
CAR. The French pox! out pox: we have them in as good a
form as they,
man; what?
PUNT. Let me perish, but thou art a salt one! was your
new-created
gallant there with you, Sogliardo?
CAR. O porpoise! hang him, no: he's a leiger at Horn's
ordinary, yonder;
his villainous Ganymede and he have been droning a tobacco-pipe
there ever
since yesterday noon.
PUNT. Who? signior Tripartite, that would give my dog the
whiffe?
CAR. Ay, he. They have hired a chamber and all, private,
to practise in,
for the making of the patoun, the receipt reciprocal, and a number
of other
mysteries not yet extant. I brought some dozen or twenty gallants
this
morning to view them, as you'd do a piece of perspective, in at a
key-hole;
and there we might see Sogliardo sit in a chair, holding his snout
up like
a sow under an apple-tree, while the other open'd his nostrils
with a
poking-stick, to give the smoke a more free delivery. They had
spit some
three or fourscore ounces between 'em, afore we came away.
PUNT. How! spit three or fourscore ounces?
CAR. Ay, and preserv'd it in porrengers, as a barber does
his blood, when
he opens a vein.
PUNT. Out, pagan! how dost thou open the vein of thy
friend?
CAR. Friend! is there any such foolish thing in the world,
ha? 'slid I
never relished it yet.
PUNT. Thy humour is the more dangerous.
CAR. No, not a whit, signior. Tut, a man must keep time in
all; I can oil
my tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good sleek
forehead; 'twill
take away all soil of suspicion, and that's enough: what Lynceus
can see
my heart? Pish, the title of a friend! it's a vain, idle thing,
only
venerable among fools; you shall not have one that has any opinion
of wit
affect it.
ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.
DELI. Save you, good sir Puntarvolo.
PUNT. Signior Deliro! welcome.
DELI. Pray you, sir, did you see master Fastidious Brisk?
I heard he was
to meet your worship here.
PUNT. You heard no figment, sir; I do expect him at every
pulse of my watch.
DELI. In good time, sir.
CAR. There's a fellow now looks like one of the patricians
of Sparta;
marry, his wit's after ten i' the hundred: a good bloodhound, a
close-mouthed dog, he follows the scent well; marry, he's at fault
now,
methinks.
PUNT. I should wonder at that creature is free from the
danger of thy tongue.
CAR. O, I cannot abide these limbs of satin, or rather
Satan indeed, that
will walk, like the children of darkness, all day in a melancholy
shop,
with their pockets full of blanks, ready to swallow up as many poor
unthrifts as come within the verge.
PUNT. So! and what hast thou for him that is with him, now?
CAR. O, d—n me! immortality! I'll not meddle with him;
the pure element
of fire, all spirit, extraction.
PUNT. How, Carlo! ha, what is he, man?
CAR. A scholar, Macilente; do you not know him? a rank,
raw-boned
anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged musket, no man dares
encounter
him: that's his rest there.
PUNT. His rest! why, has he a forked head?
CAR. Pardon me, that's to be suspended; you are too quick,
too apprehensive.
DELI. Troth, now I think on't, I'll defer it till some
other time.
MACI. Not by any means, signior, you shall not lose this
opportunity, he
will be here presently now.
DELI. Yes, faith, Macilente, 'tis best. For, look you,
sir, I shall so
exceedingly offend my wife in't, that —
MACI. Your wife! now for shame lose these thoughts, and
become the master
of your own spirits. Should I, if I had a wife, suffer myself to
be thus
passionately carried to and fro with the stream of her humour, and
neglect
my deepest affairs, to serve her affections? 'Slight, I would
geld myself
first.
DELI. O, but signior, had you such a wife as mine is, you
would —
MACI. Such a wife! Now hate me, sir, if ever I discern'd
any wonder in
your wife yet, with all the speculation I have: I have seen some
that have
been thought fairer than she, in my time; and I have seen those,
have not
been altogether so tall, esteem'd properer women; and I have seen
less
noses grow upon sweeter faces, that have done very well too, in my
judgment. But in good faith, signior, for all this, the
gentlewoman is a
good, pretty, proud, hard-favour'd thing, marry not so peerlessly
to be
doted upon, I must confess: nay, be not angry.
DELI. Well, sir, however you please to forget yourself, I
have not
deserv'd to be thus played upon; but henceforth, pray you forbear
my house,
for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath, at my
table, that
shall thus jade me for my courtesies.
MACI. Nay, then, signior, let me tell you, your wife is no
proper woman,
and by my life, I suspect her honesty, that's more, which you may
likewise
suspect, if you please, do you see? I'll urge you to nothing
against your
appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.
DELI. Good sir.
[EXIT.
MACI. Good, sir! now horn upon horn pursue thee, thou
blind, egregious
dotard!
CAR. O, you shall hear him speak like envy. — Signior
Macilente, you saw
monsieur Brisk lately: I heard you were with him at court.
MACI. Ay, Buffone, I was with him.
CAR. And how is he respected there? I know you'll deal
ingenuously with
us; is he made much of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?
MACI. Faith, ay; his civet and his casting-glass
Have helpt him to a place amongst the rest:
And there, his seniors give him good slight looks,
After their garb, smile, and salute in French
With some new compliment.
CAR. What, is this all?
MACI. Why say, that they should shew the frothy fool
Such grace as they pretend comes from the heart,
He had a mighty windfall out of doubt!
Why, all their graces are not to do grace
To virtue or desert; but to ride both
With their gilt spurs quite breathless, from themselves.
'Tis now esteem'd precisianism in wit,
And a disease in nature, to be kind
Toward desert, to love or seek good names.
Who feeds with a good name? who thrives with loving?
Who can provide feast for his own desires,
With serving others? — ha, ha, ha!
'Tis folly, by our wisest worldlings proved,
If not to gain by love, to be beloved.
CAR. How like you him? is't not a good spiteful slave, ha?
PUNT. Shrewd, shrewd.
CAR. D—n me! I could eat his flesh now; divine sweet
villain!
MACI. Nay, prithee leave: What's he there?
CAR. Who? this in the starched beard? it's the dull stiff
knight
Puntarvolo, man; he's to travel now presently: he has a good
knotty wit;
marry, he carries little on't out of the land with him.
MACI. How then?
CAR. He puts it forth in venture, as he does his money upon
the return of
a dog and cat.
MACI. Is this he?
CAR. Ay, this is he; a good tough gentleman: he looks like
a shield of
brawn at Shrove-tide, out of date, and ready to take his leave; or
a dry
pole of ling upon Easter-eve, that has furnish'd the table all
Lent, as he
has done the city this last vacation.
MACI. Come, you'll never leave your stabbing similes: I
shall have you
aiming at me with 'em by and by; but —
CAR. O, renounce me then! pure, honest, good devil, I love
thee above the
love of women: I could e'en melt in admiration of thee, now. Ods
so, look
here, man; Sir Dagonet and his squire!
ENTER SOGLIARDO AND SHIFT.
SOG. Save you, my dear gallantos: nay, come, approach,
good cavalier:
prithee, sweet knight, know this gentleman, he's one that it
pleases me to
use as my good friend and companion; and therefore do him good
offices: I
beseech you, gentles, know him, I know him all over.
PUNT. Sir, for signior Sogliardo's sake, let it suffice, I
know you.
SOG. Why, as I am a gentleman, I thank you, knight, and it
shall suffice.
Hark you, sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute
a piece
of flesh as any in the world.
PUNT. Indeed, sir!
SOG. Upon my gentility, sir: Carlo, a word with you; do
you see that same
fellow, there?
CAR. What, cavalier Shirt?
SOG. O, you know him; cry you mercy: before me, I think
him the tallest
man living within the walls of Europe.
CAR. The walls of Europe! take heed what you say, signior,
Europe's a
huge thing within the walls.
SOG. 'Tut, an 'twere as huge again, I'd justify what I
speak. 'Slid, he
swagger'd even now in a place where we were — I never saw a man
do it more
resolute.
CAR. Nay, indeed, swaggering is a good argument of
resolution. Do you
hear this, signior?
MACI. Ay, to my grief. O, that such muddy flags,
For every drunken flourish should achieve
The name of manhood, whilst true perfect valour,
Hating to shew itself, goes by despised!
Heart! I do know now, in a fair just cause,
I dare do more than he, a thousand times;
Why should not they take knowledge of this, ha!
And give my worth allowance before his?
Because I cannot swagger. — Now, the pox
Light on your Pickt-hatch prowess!
SOG. Why, I tell you, sir; he has been the only 'Bid-stand'
that ever kept
New-market, Salisbury-plain, Hockley i' the Hole, Gadshill, and
all the
high places of any request: he has had his mares and his
geldings, he,
have been worth forty, threescore, a hundred pound a horse, would
ha'
sprung you over the hedge and ditch like your greyhound: he has
done five
hundred robberies in his time, more or less, I assure you.
PUNT. What, and scaped?
SOG. Scaped! i'faith, ay: he has broken the gaol when he
has been in
irons and irons; and been out and in again; and out, and in; forty
times,
and not so few, he.
MACI. A fit trumpet, to proclaim such a person.
CAR. But can this be possible?
SHIFT. Pardon me, my dear Orestes; causes have their
quiddits, and 'tis
ill jesting with bell-ropes.
CAR. How! Pylades and Orestes?
SOG. Ay, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes: how like
you the conceit?
CAR. O, 'tis an old stale interlude device; no, I'll give
you names
myself, look you; he shall be your Judas, and you shall be his
elder-tree
to hang on.
MACI. Nay, rather let him be captain Pod, and this his
motion: for he
does nothing but shew him.
CAR. Excellent: or thus; you shall be Holden, and he your
camel.
SHIFT. You do not mean to ride, gentlemen?
PUNT. Faith, let me end it for you, gallants: you shall be
his
Countenance, and he your Resolution.
SOG. Troth, that's pretty: how say you, cavalier, shall it
be so?
CAR. Ay, ay, most voices.
SHIFT. Faith, I am easily yielding to any good impressions.
SOG. Then give hands, good Resolution.
CAR. Mass, he cannot say, good Countenance, now, properly,
to him again.
PUNT. Yes, by an irony.
MACI. O, sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as he
is, be
altogether grim and unpleasant.
ENTER FASTIDIOUS BRISK.
FAST. Good hours make music with your mirth, gentlemen, and
keep time to
your humours! — How now, Carlo?
PUNT. Monsieur Brisk? many a long look have I extended for
you, sir.
FAST. Good faith, I must crave pardon: I was invited this
morning, ere I
was out of my bed, by a bevy of ladies, to a banquet: whence it
was almost
one of Hercules's labours for me to come away,
but that the respect of my promise did so prevail with me. I know
they'll
take it very ill, especially one, that gave me this bracelet of
her hair
but over night, and this pearl another gave me from her forehead,
marry she
— what! are the writings ready?
PUNT. I will send my man to know. Sirrah, go you to the
notary's, and
learn if he be ready: leave the dog, sir.
[EXIT SERVANT.
FAST. And how does my rare qualified friend, Sogliardo?
Oh, signior
Macilente! by these eyes, I saw you not; I had saluted you sooner
else, o'
my troth. I hope, sir, I may presume upon you, that you will not
divulge
my late check, or disgrace, indeed, sir.
MACI. You may, sir.
CAR. He knows some notorious jest by this gull, that he
hath him so
obsequious.
SOG. Monsieur Fastidious, do you see this fellow there?
does he not look
like a clown? would you think there were any thing in him?
FAST. Any thing in him! beshrew me, ay; the fellow hath a
good ingenious
face.
SOG. By this element he is as ingenious a tall man as ever
swagger'd about
London: he, and I, call Countenance and Resolution; but his name
is
cavalier Shift.
PUNT. Cavalier, you knew signior Clog, that was hang'd for
the robbery at
Harrow on the hill?
SOG. Knew him, sir! why, 'twas he gave all the directions
for the action.
PUNT. How! was it your project, sir?
SHIFT. Pardon me, Countenance, you do me some wrong to make
occasions
public, which I imparted to you in private.
SOG. God's will! here are none but friends, Resolution.
SHIFT. That's all one; things of consequence must have
their respects;
where, how, and to whom. — Yes, sir, he shewed himself a true
Clog in the
coherence of that affair, sir; for, if he had managed matters as
they were
corroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or
fifty score
of pounds, sir; and he himself might have lived, in despight of
fates, to
have fed on woodcocks, with the rest: but it was his heavy
fortune to
sink, poor Clog! and therefore talk no more of him.
PUNT. Why, had he more aiders then?
SOG. O lord, sir! ay, there were some present there, that
were the Nine
Worthies to him, i'faith.
SHIFT. Ay, sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient
conference: but, for
mine own part, I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and
profess a
living out of my other qualities.
SOG. Nay, he has left all now, I assure you, and is able to
live like a
gentleman, by his qualities. By this dog, he has the most rare
gift in
tobacco that ever you knew.
CAR. He keeps more ado with this monster, than ever Banks
did with his
horse, or the fellow with the elephant.
MACI. He will hang out his picture shortly, in a cloth, you
shall see.
SOG. O, he does manage a quarrel the best that ever you
saw, for terms and
circumstances.
FAST. Good faith, signior, now you speak of a quarrel, I'll
acquaint you
with a difference that happened between a gallant and myself; sir
Puntarvolo, you know him if I should name him signior Luculento.
PUNT. Luculento! what inauspicious chance interposed
itself to your two
loves?
FAST. Faith, sir, the same that sundered Agamemnon and
great Thetis' son;
but let the cause escape, sir: he sent me a challenge, mixt with
some few
braves, which I restored, and in fine we met. Now, indeed, sir, I
must
tell you, he did offer at first very desperately, but without
judgment:
for, look you, sir, I cast myself into this figure; now he comes
violently
on, and withal advancing his rapier to strike, I thought to have
took his
arm, for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure
he could
not recover his guard. Sir, I mist my purpose in his arm, rash'd
his
doublet-sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his
hair. He
again lights me here, — I had on a gold cable hatband, then new
come up,
which I wore about a murey French hat I had, — cuts my hatband,
and yet it
was massy goldsmith's work, cuts my brims, which by good fortune,
being
thick embroidered with gold twist and spangles, disappointed the
force of
the blow: nevertheless, it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away
six purls
of an Italian cut-work band I wore, cost me three pound in the
Exchange but
three days before.
PUNT. This was a strange encounter.
FAST. Nay, you shall hear, sir: with this we both fell
out, and breath'd.
Now, upon the second sign of his assault, I betook me to the
former manner
of my defence; he, on the other side, abandon'd his body to the
same danger
as before, and follows me still with blows: but I being loth to
take the
deadly advantage that lay before me of his left side, made a kind
of
stramazoun, ran him up to the hilts through the doublet, through
the shirt,
and yet miss'd the skin. He, making a reverse blow, — falls upon
my
emboss'd girdle, I had thrown off the hangers a little before —
strikes
off a skirt of a thick-laced satin doublet I had, lined with four
taffatas,
cuts off two panes embroidered with pearl, rends through the
drawings-out
of tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.
CAR. I wonder he speaks not of his wrought shirt.
FAST. Here, in the opinion of mutual damage, we paused;
but, ere I
proceed, I must tell you, signior, that, in this last encounter,
not having
leisure to put off my silver spurs, one of the rowels catch'd hold
of the
ruffle of my boot, and, being Spanish leather, and subject to tear,
overthrows me, rends me two pair of silk stockings, that I put
on, being
somewhat a raw morning, a peach colour and another, and strikes me
some
half inch deep into the side of the calf: he, seeing the blood
come,
presently takes horse, and away: I, having bound up my wound with
a piece
of my wrought shirt —
CAR. O! comes it in there?
FAST. Rid after him, and, lighting at the court gate both
together,
embraced, and march'dhand in hand up into the presence. Was not
this
business well carried?
MACI. Well! yes, and by this we can guess what apparel the
gentleman wore.
PUNT. 'Fore valour, it was a designment begun with much
resolution,
maintain'd with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. —
RE-ENTER SERVANT.
How now, what says the notary?
SERV. He says, he is ready, sir; he stays but your worship's
pleasure.
PUNT. Come, we will go to him, monsieur. Gentlemen, shall
we entreat you
to be witnesses?
SOG. You shall entreat me, sir. — Come, Resolution.
SHIFT. I follow you, good Countenance.
CAR. Come, signior, come, come.
[EXEUNT ALL BUT MACILENTE.
MACI. O, that there should be fortune
To clothe these men, so naked in desert!
And that the just storm of a wretched life
Beats them not ragged for their wretched souls,
And, since as fruitless, even as black, as coals!
[EXIT.
MIT. Why, but signior, how comes it that Fungoso appeared
not with his
sister's intelligence to Brisk?
COR. Marry, long of the evil angels that she gave him, who
have indeed
tempted the good simple youth to follow the tail of the fashion,
and
neglect the imposition of his friends. Behold, here he comes, very
worshipfully attended, and with good variety.
ENTER FUNGOSO IN A NEW SUIT, FOLLOWED BY HIS TAILOR, SHOEMAKER, AND
HABERDASHER.
FUNG. Gramercy, good shoemaker, I'll put to strings myself..
[EXIT SHOEMAKER.] — Now, sir, let me see, what must you have for
this hat?
HABE. Here's the bill, sir.
FUNG. How does it become me, well?
TAI. Excellent, sir, as ever you had any hat in your life.
FUNG. Nay, you'll say so all.
HABE. In faith, sir, the hat's as good as any man in this town
can serve
you, and will maintain fashion as long; never trust me for a groat
else.
FUNG. Does it apply well to my suit?
TAI. Exceeding well, sir.
FUNG. How lik'st thou my suit, haberdasher?
HABE. By my troth, sir, 'tis very rarely well made; I never saw a
suit sit
better, I can tell on.
TAI. Nay, we have no art to please our friends, we!
FUNG. Here, haberdasher, tell this same.
[GIVES HIM MONEY.
HABE. Good faith, sir, it makes you have an excellent body.
FUNG. Nay, believe me, I think I have as good a body in
clothes as another.
TAI. You lack points to bring your apparel together, sir.
FUNG. I'll have points anon. How now! Is't right?
HABE. Faith, sir, 'tis too little' but upon farther hopes — Good
morrow
to you, sir.
[EXIT.
FUNG. Farewell, good haberdasher. Well now, master Snip,
let me see your
bill.
MIT. Me thinks he discharges his followers too thick.
COR. O, therein he saucily imitates some great man. I
warrant you, though
he turns off them, he keeps this tailor, in place of a page, to
follow him
still.
FUNG. This bill is very reasonable, in faith: hark you,
master Snip —
Troth, sir, I am not altogether so well furnished at this present,
as I
could wish I were; but — if you'll do me the favour to take part
in hand,
you shall have all I have, by this hand.
TAI. Sir —
FUNG. And but give me credit for the rest, till the
beginning of the next
term.
TAI. O lord, sir —
FUNG. 'Fore God, and by this light, I'll pay you to the
utmost, and
acknowledge myself very deeply engaged to you by the courtesy.
TAI. Why, how much have you there, sir?
FUNG. Marry, I have here four angels, and fifteen shillings
of white
money: it's all I have, as I hope to be blest
TAI. You will not fail me at the next term with the rest?
FUNG. No, an I do, pray heaven I be hang'd. Let me never
breathe again
upon this mortal stage, as the philosopher calls it! By this air,
and as I
am a gentleman, I'll hold.
COR. He were an iron-hearted fellow, in my judgment, that
would not credit
him upon this volley of oaths.
TAI. Well, sir, I'll not stick with any gentleman for a trifle:
you know
what 'tis remains?
FUNG. Ay, sir, and I give you thanks in good faith. O
fate, how happy I
am made in this good fortune! Well, now I'll go seek out monsieur
Brisk.
'Ods so, I have forgot riband for my shoes, and points. 'Slid,
what luck's
this! how shall I do? Master Snip, pray let me reduct some two
or three
shillings for points and ribands: as I am an honest man, I have
utterly
disfurnished myself, in the default of memory; pray let me be
beholding to
you; it shall come home in the bill, believe me.
TAI. Faith, sir, I can hardly depart with ready money; but I'll
take up,
and send you some by my boy presently. What coloured riband would
you have?
FUNG. What you shall think meet in your judgment, sir, to
my suit.
TAI. Well, I'll send you some presently.
FUNG. And points too, sir?
TAI. And points too, sir.
FUNG. Good lord, how shall I study to deserve this kindness
of you sir!
Pray let your youth make haste, for I should have done a business
an hour
since, that I doubt I shall come too late.
[EXIT TAILOR.]
Now, in good faith, I am exceeding proud of my suit.
COR. Do you observe the plunges that this poor gallant is
put to, signior,
to purchase the fashion?
MIT. Ay, and to be still a fashion behind with the world,
that's the sport.
COR. Stay: O, here they come from seal'd and deliver'd.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK IN A NEW SUIT, AND SERVANTS
WITH THE DOG.
PUNT. Well, now my whole venture is forth, I will resolve
to depart shortly.
FAST. Faith, sir Puntarvolo, go to the court, and take
leave of the ladies
first.
PUNT. I care not, if it be this afternoon's labour. Where
is Carlo?
FAST. Here he comes.
ENTER CARLO, SOGLIARDO, SHIFT, AND MACILENTE.
CAR. Faith, gallants, I am persuading this gentleman
[POINTS TO SOGLIARDO]
to turn courtier. He is a man of fair revenue, and his estate
will bear
the charge well. Besides, for his other gifts of the mind, or so,
why they
are as nature lent him them, pure, simple, without any artificial
drug or
mixture of these two threadbare beggarly qualities, learning and
knowledge,
and therefore the more accommodate and genuine. Now, for the life
itself —
FAST. O, the most celestial, and full of wonder and
delight, that can be
imagined, signior, beyond thought and apprehension of pleasure! A
man
lives there in that divine rapture, that he will think himself i'
the ninth
heaven for the time, and lose all sense of mortality whatsoever,
when he
shall behold such glorious, and almost immortal beauties; hear such
angelical and harmonious voices, discourse with such flowing and
ambrosial
spirits, whose wits are as sudden as lightning, and humorous as
nectar; oh,
it makes a man all quintessence and flame, and lifts him up, in a
moment,
to the very crystal crown of the sky, where, hovering in the
strength of
his imagination, he shall behold all the delights of the
Hesperides, the
Insulae Fortunatae, Adonis' Gardens, Tempe, or what else, confined
within
the amplest verge of poesy, to be mere umbrae, and imperfect
figures,
conferred with the most essential felicity of your court.
MACI. Well, this ecomium was not extemporal, it came too
perfectly off.
CAR. Besides, sir, you shall never need to go to a
hot-house, you shall
sweat there with courting your mistress, or losing your money at
primero,
as well as in all the stoves in Sweden. Marry, this, sir, you
must ever be
sure to carry a good strong perfume about you, that your
mistress's dog may
smell you out amongst the rest; and, in making love to her, never
fear to
be out; for you may have a pipe of tobacco, or a bass viol shall
hang o'
the wall, of purpose, will put you in presently. The tricks your
Resolution has taught you in tobacco, the whiffe, and those
sleights, will
stand you in very good ornament there.
FAST. Ay, to some, perhaps; but, an he should come to my
mistress with
tobacco (this gentleman knows) she'd reply upon him, i'faith. O,
by this
bright sun, she has the most acute, ready, and facetious wit that
— tut,
there's no spirit able to stand her. You can report it, signior,
you have
seen her.
PUNT. Then can he report no less, out of his judgment, I
assure him.
MACI. Troth, I like her well enough, but she's too
self-conceited, methinks.
FAST. Ay, indeed, she's a little too self-conceited; an
'twere not for
that humour, she were the most-to-be-admired lady in the world.
PUNT. Indeed, it is a humour that takes from her other
excellences.
MACI. Why, it may easily be made to forsake her, in my
thought.
FAST. Easily, sir! then are all impossibilities easy.
MACI. You conclude too quick upon me, signior. What will
you say, if I
make it so perspicuously appear now, that yourself shall confess
nothing
more possible?
FAST. Marry, I will say, I will both applaud and admire you
for it.
PUNT. And I will second him in the admiration.
MACI. Why, I'll show you, gentlemen. — Carlo, come hither.
[MACI., CAR., PUNT., AND FAST. WHISPER TOGETHER.
SOG. Good faith, I have a great humour to the court. What
thinks my
Resolution? shall I adventure?
SHIFT. Troth, Countenance, as you please; the place is a
place of good
reputation and capacity.
SOG. O, my tricks in tobacco, as Carlo says, will show
excellent there.
SHIFT. Why, you may go with these gentlemen now, and see
fashions; and
after, as you shall see correspondence.
SOG. You say true. You will go with me, Resolution?
SHIFT. I will meet you, Countenance, about three or four
o'clock; but, to
say to go with you, I cannot; for, as I am Apple-John, I am to go
before
the cockatrice you saw this morning, and therefore pray, present me
excused, good Countenance.
SOG. Farewell, good Resolution, but fail not to meet.
SHIFT. As I live.
[EXIT.
PUNT. Admirably excellent!
MACI. If you can but persuade Sogliardo to court, there's
all now.
CAR. O, let me alone, that's my task.
[GOES TO SOGLIARDO.
FAST. Now, by wit, Macilente, it's above measure excellent;
'twill be the
only court-exploit that ever proved courtier ingenious.
PUNT. Upon my soul, it puts the lady quite out of her
humour, and we shall
laugh with judgment.
CAR. Come, the gentleman was of himself resolved to go with
you, afore I
moved it.
MACI. Why, then, gallants, you two and Carlo go afore to
prepare the jest;
Sogliardo and I will come some while after you.
CAR. Pardon me, I am not for the court.
PUNT. That's true; Carlo comes not at court, indeed. Well,
you shall
leave it to the faculty of monsieur Brisk, and myself; upon our
lives, we
will manage it happily. Carlo shall bespeak supper at the Mitre,
against
we come back: where we will meet and dimple our cheeks with
laughter at
the success.
CAR. Ay, but will you promise to come?
PUNT. Myself shall undertake for them; he that fails, let
his reputation
lie under the lash of thy tongue.
CAR. Ods so, look who comes here!
ENTER FUNGOSO.
SOG. What, nephew!
FUNG. Uncle, God save you; did you see a gentleman, one
monsieur Brisk, a
courtier? he goes in such a suit as I do.
SOG. Here is the gentleman, nephew, but not in such a suit.
FUNG. Another suit!
SOG. How now, nephew?
FAST. Would you speak with me, sir?
CAR. Ay, when he has recovered himself, poor Poll!
PUNT. Some rosa-solis.
MACI. How now, signior?
FUNG. I am not well, sir.
MACI. Why, this it is to dog the fashion.
CAR. Nay, come, gentlemen, remember your affairs; his
disease is nothing
but the flux of apparel.
PUNT. Sirs, return to the lodging, keep the cat safe; I'll
be the dog's
guardian myself.
[EXEUNT SERVANTS.
SOG. Nephew, will you go to court with us? these gentlemen
and I are for
the court; nay, be not so melancholy.
FUNG. 'Slid, I think no man in Christendom has that
rascally fortune that
I have.
MACI. Faith, you suit is well enough, signior.
FUNG. Nay, not for that, I protest; but I had an errand to
monsieur
Fastidious, and I have forgot it.
MACI. Why, go along to court with us, and remember it;
come, gentlemen,
you three take one boat, and Sogliardo and I will take another; we
shall be
there instantly.
FAST. Content: good sir, vouchsafe us your pleasance.
PUNT. Farewell, Carlo: remember.
CAR. I warrant you: would I had one of Kemp's shoes to
throw after you.
PUNT. Good fortune will close the eyes of our jest, fear
not; and we shall
frolick.
[EXEUNT.
MIT. This Macilente, signior, begins to be more sociable on
a sudden,
methinks, than he was before: there's some portent in it, I
believe.
COR. O, he's a fellow of a strange nature. Now does he, in
this calm of
his humour, plot, and store up a world of malicious thoughts in
his brain,
till he is so full with them, that you shall see the very torrent
of his
envy break forth like a land-flood: and, against the course of
all their
affections, oppose itself so violently, that you will almost have
wonder to
think, how 'tis possible the current of their dispositions shall
receive so
quick and strong an alteration.
MIT. Ay, marry, sir, this is that, on which my expectation
has dwelt all
this while; for I must tell you, signior, though I was loth to
interrupt
the scene, yet I made it a question in mine own private discourse,
how he
should properly call it "Every Man out of his Humour", when I saw
all his
actors so strongly pursue, and continue their humours?
COR. Why, therein his art appears most full of lustre, and
approacheth
nearest the life; especially when in the flame and height of their
humours,
they are laid flat, it fills the eye better, and with more
contentment.
How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud exalted tree kept
and cut
down by degrees, when it might be fell'd in a moment! and to set
the axe
to it before it came to that pride and fulness, were, as not to
have it
grow.
MIT. Well, I shall long till I see this fall, you talk of.
COR. To help your longing, signior, let your imagination be
swifter than a
pair of oars: and by this, suppose Puntarvolo, Brisk, Fungoso,
and the
dog, arrived at the court-gate, and going up to the great chamber.
Macilente and Sogliardo, we'll leave them on the water, till
possibility
and natural means may land them. Here come the gallants, now
prepare your
expectations.
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, WITH HIS DOG, FOLLOWED BY FASTIDIOUS
BRISK AND FUNGOSO.
PUNT. Come, gentles, Signior, you are sufficiently
instructed.
FAST. Who, I, sir?
PUNT. No, this gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to
bestow my dog;
he is no competent attendant for the presence.
FAST. Mass, that's true, indeed, knight; you must not carry
him into the
presence.
PUNT. I know it, and I, like a dull beast, forgot to bring
one of my
cormorants to attend me.
FAST. Why, you were best leave him at the porter's lodge.
PUNT. Not so; his worth is too well known amongst them, to
be forth-coming.
FAST. 'Slight, how will you do then?
PUNT. I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his
quality, if I will
have him to be safe. And see! here comes one that will carry
coals, ergo,
will hold my dog.
ENTER A GROOM, WITH A BASKET.
My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this dog to thy
prudent care?
GROOM. You may, if you please, sir.
PUNT. Pray thee let me find thee here at my return; it
shall not be long,
till I will ease thee of thy employment, and please thee. Forth,
gentles.
FAST. Why, but will you leave him with so slight command,
and infuse no
more charge upon the fellow?
PUNT. Charge! no; there were no policy in that; that were
to let him know
the value of the gem he holds, and so to tempt frail nature
against her
disposition. No, pray thee let thy honesty be sweet, as it shall
be short.
GROOM. Yes, sir.
PUNT. But hark you, gallants, and chiefly monsieur Brisk:
when we come in
eye-shot, or presence of this lady, let not other matters carry us
from our
project; but, if we can, single her forth to some place —
FAST. I warrant you.
PUNT. And be not too sudden, but let the device induce
itself with good
circumstance. On.
FUNG. Is this the way? good truth, here be fine hangings.
[EXEUNT PUNT., FAST., AND FUNGOSO.
GROOM. Honesty! sweet, and short! Marry, it shall, sir, doubt
you not;
for even at this instant if one would give me twenty pounds, I
would not
deliver him; there's for the sweet: but now, if any man come
offer me but
two-pence, he shall have him; there's for the short now. 'Slid,
what a mad
humorous gentleman is this to leave his dog with me! I could run
away with
him now, an he were worth any thing.
ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.
MACI. Come on, signior, now prepare to court this
all-witted lady, most
naturally, and like yourself.
SOG. Faith, an you say the word, I'll begin to her in
tobacco.
MACI. O, fie on't! no; you shall begin with, "How does my
sweet lady",
or, "Why are you so melancholy, madam?" though she be very merry,
it's all
one. Be sure to kiss your hand often enough; pray for her health,
and tell
her, how "More than most fair she is". Screw your face at one
side thus,
and protest: let her fleer, and look askance, and hide her teeth
with her
fan, when she laughs a fit, to bring her into more matter, that's
nothing:
you must talk forward, (though it be without sense, so it be
without
blushing,) 'tis most court-like and well.
SOG. But shall I not use tobacco at all?
MACI. O, by no means; 'twill but make your breath
suspected, and that you
use it only to confound the rankness of that.
SOG. Nay, I'll be advised, sir, by my friends.
MACI. Od's my life, see where sir Puntarvolo's dog is.
GROOM. I would the gentleman would return for his follower here,
I'll
leave him to his fortunes else.
MACI. 'Twere the only true jest in the world to poison him
now; ha! by
this hand I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow.
[ASIDE.]
Signior Sogliardo, walk aside, and think upon some device to
entertain the
lady with.
SOG. So I do, sir.
[WALKS OFF IN A MEDITATING POSTURE.
MACI. How now, mine honest friend! whose dog-keeper art
thou?
GROOM. Dog-keeper, sir! I hope I scorn that, i'faith.
MACI. Why, dost thou not keep a dog?
GROOM. Sir, now I do, and now I do not: [THROWS OFF THE DOG.] I
think
this be sweet and short. Make me his dog-keeper!
[EXIT.
MACI. This is excellent, above expectation! nay, stay,
sir; [SEIZING THE
DOG.] you'd be travelling; but I'll give you a dram shall shorten
your
voyage, here. [GIVES HIM POISON.] So, sir, I'll be bold to take
my leave
of you. Now to the Turk's court in the devil's name, for you
shall never
go o' God's name. [KICKS HIM OUT.] — Sogliardo, come.
SOG. I have it i'faith now, will sting it.
MACI. Take heed you leese it not signior, ere you come
there; preserve it.
[EXEUNT.
COR. How like you this first exploit of his?
MIT. O, a piece of true envy; but I expect the issue of the
other device.
COR. Here they come will make it appear.
ENTER SAVIOLINA, PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK, AND FUNGOSO.
SAV. Why, I thought, sir Puntarvolo, you had been gone your
voyage?
PUNT. Dear and most amiable lady, your divine beauties do
bind me to those
offices, that I cannot depart when I would.
SAV. 'Tis most court-like spoken, sir; but how might we do
to have a sight
of your dog and cat?
FAST. His dog is in the court, lady.
SAV. And not your cat? how dare you trust her behind you,
sir.
PUNT. Troth, madam, she hath sore eyes, and she doth keep
her chamber;
marry, I have left her under sufficient guard there are two of my
followers
to attend her.
SAV. I'll give you some water for her eyes. When do you
go, sir?
PUNT. Certes, sweet lady, I know not.
FAST. He doth stay the rather, madam, to present your acute
judgment with
so courtly and well parted a gentleman as yet your ladyship hath
never seen.
SAV. What is he, gentle monsieur Brisk? not that gentleman?
[POINTS TO FUNGOSO.
FAST. No, lady, this is a kinsman to justice Silence.
PUNT. Pray, sir, give me leave to report him. He's a
gentleman, lady, of
that rare and admirable faculty, as, I protest, I know not his
like in
Europe; he is exceedingly valiant, an excellent scholar, and so
exactly
travelled, that he is able, in discourse, to deliver you a model
of any
prince's court in the world; speaks the languages with that purity
of
phrase, and facility of accent, that it breeds astonishment; his
wit, the
most exuberant, and, above wonder, pleasant, of all that ever
entered the
concave of this ear.
FAST. 'Tis most true, lady; marry, he is no such excellent
proper man.
PUNT. His travels have changed his complexion, madam.
SAV. O, sir Puntarvolo, you must think every man was not
born to have my
servant Brisk's feature.
PUNT. But that which transcends all, lady; he doth so
peerlessly imitate
any manner of person for gesture, action, passion, or whatever —
FAST. Ay, especially a rustic or a clown, madam, that it is
not possible
for the sharpest-sighted wit in the world to discern any sparks of
the
gentleman in him, when he does it.
SAV. O, monsieur Brisk, be not so tyrannous to confine all
wits within the
compass of your own; not find the sparks of a gentleman in him, if
he be a
gentleman!
FUNG. No, in truth, sweet lady, I believe you cannot.
SAV. Do you believe so? why, I can find sparks of a
gentleman in you, sir.
PUNT. Ay, he is a gentleman, madam, and a reveller.
FUNG. Indeed, I think I have seen your ladyship at our
revels.
SAV. Like enough, sir; but would I might see this wonder
you talk of; may
one have a sight of him for any reasonable sum?
PUNT. Yes, madam, he will arrive presently.
SAV. What, and shall we see him clown it?
FAST. I'faith, sweet lady, that you shall; see, here he
comes.
ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.
PUNT. This is he! pray observe him, lady.
SAV. Beshrew me, he clowns it properly indeed.
PUNT. Nay, mark his courtship.
SOG. How does my sweet lady? hot and moist? beautiful and
lusty? ha!
SAV. Beautiful, an it please you, sir, but not lusty.
SOG. O ho, lady, it pleases you to say so, in truth: And
how does my
sweet lady? in health? 'Bonaroba, quaeso, que novelles? que
novelles?'
sweet creature!
SAV. O excellent! why, gallants, is this he that cannot be
deciphered?
they were very blear-witted, i'faith, that could not discern the
gentleman
in him.
PUNT. But you do, in earnest, lady?
SAV. Do I sir! why, if you had any true court-judgment in
the carriage of
his eye, and that inward power that forms his countenance, you
might
perceive his counterfeiting as clear as the noon-day; alas — nay,
if you
would have tried my wit, indeed, you should never have told me he
was a
gentleman, but presented him for a true clown indeed; and then
have seen if
I could have deciphered him.
FAST. 'Fore God, her ladyship says true, knight: but does
he not affect
the clown most naturally, mistress?
PUNT. O, she cannot but affirm that, out of the bounty of
her judgment.
SAV. Nay, out of doubt he does well, for a gentleman to
imitate: but I
warrant you, he becomes his natural carriage of the gentleman,
much better
than his clownery.
FAST. 'Tis strange, in truth, her ladyship should see so
far into him!
PUNT. Ay, is it not?
SAV. Faith, as easily as may be; not decipher him, quoth
you!
FUNG. Good sadness, I wonder at it
MACI. Why, has she deciphered him, gentlemen?
PUNT. O, most miraculously, and beyond admiration.
MACI. Is it possible?
FAST. She hath gather'd most infallible signs of the
gentleman in him,
that's certain.
SAV. Why, gallants, let me laugh at you a little: was this
your device,
to try my judgment in a gentleman?
MACI. Nay, lady, do not scorn us, though you have this gift
of perspicacy
above others. What if he should be no gentleman now, but a clown
indeed,
lady?
PUNT. How think you of that? would not your ladyship be
Out of your Humour?
FAST. O, but she knows it is not so.
SAV. What if he were not a man, ye may as well say? Nay,
if your worships
could gull me so, indeed, you were wiser than you are taken for.
MACI. In good faith, lady, he is a very perfect clown, both
by father and
mother; that I'll assure you.
SAV. O, sir, you are very pleasurable.
MACI. Nay, do but look on his hand, and that shall resolve
you; look you,
lady, what a palm here is.
SOG. Tut, that was with holding the plough.
MACI. The plough! did you discern any such thing in him,
madam?
FAST. Faith no, she saw the gentleman as bright as
noon-day, she; she
deciphered him at first.
MACI. Troth, I am sorry your ladyship's sight should be so
suddenly struck.
SAV. O, you are goodly beagles!
FAST. What, is she gone?
SOG. Nay, stay, sweet lady: 'que novelles? que novelles?'
SAV. Out, you fool, you!
[EXIT IN ANGER.
FUNG. She's Out of her Humour, i'faith.
FAST. Nay, let's follow it while 'tis hot, gentlemen.
PUNT. Come, on mine honour we shall make her blush in the
presence; my
spleen is great with laughter.
MACI. Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life, I
believe, sir.
[ASIDE.] — Come, signior, your looks are too dejected, methinks;
why mix
you not mirth with the rest?
FUNG. Od's will, this suit frets me at the soul. I'll have
it alter'd
to-morrow, sure.
ENTER SHIFT.
SHIFT. I am come to the court, to meet with my Countenance,
Sogliardo;
poor men must be glad of such countenance, when they can get no
better.
Well, need may insult upon a man, but it shall never make him
despair of
consequence. The world will say, 'tis base: tush, base! 'tis
base to
live under the earth, not base to live above it by any means.
ENTER FASTIDIOUS, PUNTARVOLO, SOGLIARDO, FUNGOSO, AND MACILENTE.
FAST. The poor lady is most miserably out of her humour,
i'faith.
PUNT. There was never so witty a jest broken, at the tilt
of all the court
wits christen'd.
MACI. O, this applause taints it foully.
SOG. I think I did my part in courting. — O, Resolution!
PUNT. Ay me, my dog!
MACI. Where is he?
FAST. 'Sprecious, go seek for the fellow, good signior
[EXIT FUNGOSO.
PUNT. Here, here I left him.
MACI. Why, none was here when we came in now, but cavalier
Shirt; enquire
of him.
FAST. Did you see sir Puntarvolo's dog here, cavalier,
since you came?
SHIFT. His dog, sir! he may look his dog, sir; I saw none
of his dog, sir.
MACI. Upon my life, he has stolen your dog, sir, and been
hired to it by
some that have ventured with you; you may guess by his peremptory
answers.
PUNT. Not unlike; for he hath been a notorious thief by his
own
confession. Sirrah, where is my dog?
SHIFT. Charge me with your dog, sir! I have none of your
dog, sir.
PUNT. Villain, thou liest.
SHIFT. Lie, sir! s'blood, — you are but a man, sir.
PUNT. Rogue and thief, restore him.
SOG. Take heed, sir Puntarvolo, what you do; he'll bear no
coals, I can
tell you, o' my word.
MACI. This is rare.
SOG. It's marle he stabs you not: By this light, he hath
stabbed forty,
for forty times less matter, I can tell you of my knowledge.
PUNT. I will make thee stoop, thou abject.
SOG. Make him stoop, sir! Gentlemen, pacify him, or he'll
be kill'd.
MACI. Is he so tall a man?
SOG. Tall a man! if you love his life, stand betwixt them.
Make him stoop!
PUNT. My dog, villain, or I will hang thee; thou hast
confest robberies,
and other felonious acts, to this gentleman, thy Countenance —
SOG. I'll bear no witness.
PUNT. And without my dog, I will hang thee, for them.
[SHIFT KNEELS.
SOG. What! kneel to thine enemies!
SHIFT. Pardon me, good sir; God is my witness, I never did
robbery in all
my life.
RE-ENTER FUNGOSO.
FUNG. O, sir Puntarvolo, your dog lies giving up the ghost
in the wood-yard.
MACI. Heart, is he not dead yet!
[ASIDE.
PUNT. O, my dog, born to disastrous fortune! pray you
conduct me, sir.
[EXIT WITH FUNGOSO.
SOG. How! did you never do any robbery in your life?
MACI. O, this is good! so he swore, sir.
SOG. Ay, I heard him: and did you swear true, sir?
SHIFT. Ay, as I hope to be forgiven, sir, I never robbed
any man; I never
stood by the highwayside, sir, but only said so, because I would
get myself
a name, and be counted a tall man.
SOG. Now out, base viliaco! thou my Resolution! I thy
Countenance! By
this light, gentlemen, he hath confest to me the most inexorable
company of
robberies, and damn'd himself that he did 'em: you never heard
the like.
Out, scoundrel, out! follow me no more, I command thee; out of my
sight,
go, hence, speak not; I will not hear thee: away, camouccio!
[EXIT SHIFT.
MACI. O, how I do feed upon this now, and fat myself! here
were a couple
unexpectedly dishumour'd. Well, by this time, I hope, sir
Puntarvolo and
his dog are both out of humour to travel. [ASIDE.] — Nay,
gentlemen, why
do you not seek out the knight, and comfort him? our supper at
the Mitre
must of necessity hold to-night, if you love your reputations.
FAST. 'Fore God, I am so melancholy for his dog's disaster
— but I'll go.
SOG. Faith, and I may go too, but I know I shall be so
melancholy.
MACI. Tush, melancholy! you must forget that now, and
remember you lie at
the mercy of a fury: Carlo will rack your sinews asunder, and
rail you to
dust, if you come not.
[EXEUNT.
MIT. O, then their fear of Carlo, belike, makes them hold
their meeting.
COR. Ay, here he comes; conceive him but to be enter'd the
Mitre, and 'tis
enough.
ENTER CARLO.
CAR. Holla! where be these shot-sharks?
ENTER DRAWER.
DRAW. By and by; you are welcome, good master Buffone.
CAR. Where's George? call me George hither, quickly.
DRAW. What wine please you have, sir? I'll draw you that's neat,
master
Buffone.
CAR. Away, neophite, do as I bid thee, bring my dear George
to me: —
ENTER GEORGE.
Mass, here he comes.
GEORGE. Welcome, master Carlo.
CAR. What, is supper ready, George?
GEORGE. Ay, sir, almost: Will you have the cloth laid, master
Carlo?
CAR. O, what else? Are none of the gallants come yet?
GEORGE. None yet, sir.
CAR. Stay, take me with you, George; let me have a good fat
loin of pork
laid to the fire, presently.
GEORGE. It shall, sir.
CAR. And withal, hear you, draw me the biggest shaft you
have out of the
butt you wot of; away, you know my meaning, George; quick!
GEORGE. Done, sir.
[EXIT.
CAR. I never hungered so much for anything in my life, as I
do to know our
gallants' success at court; now is that lean, bald-rib Macilente,
that salt
villain, plotting some mischievous device, and lies a soaking in
their
frothy humours like a dry crust, till he has drunk 'em all up:
Could the
pummice but hold up his eyes at other men's happiness, in any
reasonable
proportion, 'slid, the slave were to be loved next heaven, above
honour,
wealth, rich fare, apparel, wenches, all the delights of the belly
and the
groin, whatever.
RE-ENTER GEORGE WITH TWO JUGS OF WINE.
GEORGE. Here, master Carlo.
CAR. Is it right, boy?
GEORGE. Ay, sir, I assure you 'tis right.
CAR. Well said, my dear George, depart: [EXIT GEORGE.] —
Come, my small
gimblet, you in the false scabbard, away, so! [PUTS FORTH THE
DRAWER, AND
SHUTS THE DOOR.] Now to you, sir Burgomaster, let's taste of your
bounty.
MIT. What, will he deal upon such quantities of wine, alone?
COR. You will perceive that, sir.
CAR. [DRINKS.] Ay, marry, sir, here's purity; O, George —
I could bite
off his nose for this now, sweet rogue, he has drawn nectar, the
very soul
of the grape! I'll wash my temples with some on't presently, and
drink
some half a score draughts; 'twill heat the brain, kindle my
imagination, I
shall talk nothing but crackers and fire-works to-night. So, sir!
please
you to be here, sir, and I here: so.
[SETS THE TWO CUPS ASUNDER, DRINKS WITH THE ONE, AND PLEDGES WITH
THE
OTHER, SPEAKING FOR EACH OF THE CUPS, AND DRINKING ALTERNATELY.
COR. This is worth the observation, signior.
CAR. 1 CUP. Now, sir, here's to you; and I present you
with so much of my
love.
2 CUP. I take it kindly from you, sir. [DRINKS], and will return
you the
like proportion; but withal, sir, remembering the merry night we
had at the
countess's, you know where, sir.
1 CUP. By heaven, you put me in mind now of a very necessary
office, which
I will propose in your pledge, sir; the health of that honourable
countess,
and the sweet lady that sat by her, sir.
2 CUP. I do vail to it with reverence [DRINKS]. And now,
signior, with
these ladies, I'll be bold to mix the health of your divine
mistress.
1 CUP. Do you know her, sir?
2 CUP. O lord, sir, ay; and in the respectful memory and mention
of her, I
could wish this wine were the most precious drug in the world.
1 CUP. Good faith, sir, you do honour me in't exceedingly.
[DRINKS.]
MIT. Whom should he personate in this, signior?
COR. Faith, I know not, sir; observe, observe him.
2 CUP. If it were the basest filth, or mud that runs in the
channel, I am
bound to pledge it respectively, sir. [DRINKS.] And now, sir,
here is a
replenish'd bowl, which I will reciprocally turn upon you, to the
health of
the count Frugale.
1 CUP. The count Frugale's health, sir? I'll pledge it on my
knees, by
this light.
[KNEELS.
2 CUP. Nay, do me right, sir.
1 CUP. So I do, in faith.
2 CUP. Good faith you do not; mine was fuller.
1 CUP. Why, believe me, it was not.
2 CUP. Believe me it was; and you do lie.
1 CUP. Lie, sir!
2 CUP. Ay, sir.
1 CUP. 'Swounds! you rascal!
2 CUP. O, come, stab if you have a mind to it.
1 CUP. Stab! dost thou think I dare not?
CAR. [SPEAKS IN HIS OWN PERSON.] Nay, I beseech you,
gentlemen, what
means this? nay, look, for shame respect your reputations.
[OVERTURNS WINE, POT, CUPS, AND ALL.
ENTER MACILENTE.
MACI. Why, how now, Carlo! what humour's this?
CAR. O, my good mischief! art thou come? where are the
rest, where are
the rest?
MACI. Faith, three of our ordnance are burst.
CAR. Burst! how comes that?
MACI. Faith, overcharged, overcharged.
CAR. But did not the train hold?
MACI. O, yes, and the poor lady is irrecoverably blown up.
CAR. Why, but which of the munition is miscarried, ha?
MACI. Imprimis, sir Puntarvolo; next, the Countenance and
Resolution.
CAR. How, how, for the love of wit?
MACI. Troth, the Resolution is proved recreant; the
Countenance hath
changed his copy; and the passionate knight is shedding funeral
tears over
his departed dog.
CAR. What! is his dog dead?
MACI. Poison'd, 'tis thought; marry, how, or by whom,
that's left for some
cunning woman here o' the Bank-side to resolve. For my part, I
know
nothing more than that we are like to have an exceeding melancholy
supper
of it.
CAR. 'Slife, and I had purposed to be extraordinarily
merry, I had drunk
off a good preparative of old sack here; but will they come, will
they come?
MACI. They will assuredly come; marry, Carlo, as thou
lov'st me, run over
'em all freely to-night, and especially the knight; spare no
sulphurous
jest that may come out of that sweaty forge of thine; but ply them
with all
manner of shot, minion, saker, culverin, or anything, what thou
wilt.
CAR. I warrant thee, my dear case of petrionels; so I stand
not in dread
of thee, but that thou'lt second me.
MACI. Why, my good German tapster, I will.
CAR. What George! Lomtero, Lomtero, etc.
[SINGS AND DANCES.
RE-ENTER GEORGE.
GEORGE. Did you call, master Carlo?
CAR. More nectar, George: Lomtero, etc.
GEORGE. Your meat's ready, sir, an your company were come.
CAR. Is the loin pork enough?
GEORGE. Ay, sir, it is enough.
[EXIT.
MACI. Pork! heart, what dost thou with such a greasy dish?
I think thou
dost varnish thy face with the fat on't, it looks so like a
glue-pot.
CAR. True, my raw-boned rogue, and if thou wouldst farce
thy lean ribs
with it too, they would not, like ragged laths, rub out so many
doublets as
they do; but thou know'st not a good dish, thou. O, it's the only
nourishing meat in the world. No marvel though that saucy,
stubborn
generation, the Jews, were forbidden it; for what would they have
done,
well pamper'd with fat pork, that durst murmur at their Maker out
of
garlick and onions? 'Slight! fed with it, the whoreson
strummel-patch'd,
goggle-eyed grumble-dories, would have gigantomachised —
RE-ENTER GEORGE WITH WINE.
Well said, my sweet George, fill, fill.
MIT. This savours too much of profanation.
COR. O — — Servetur ad imum,
Qualis ab incoepto processerit, et sibi constet.
"The necessity of his vein compels a toleration, for; bar this,
and dash
him out of humour before his time."
CAR. "'Tis an axiom in natural philosophy, what comes
nearest the nature
of that it feeds, converts quicker to nourishment, and doth sooner
essentiate." Now nothing in flesh and entrails assimilates or
resembles
man more than a hog or swine.
[DRINKS.
MACI. True; and he, to requite their courtesy, oftentimes
doffeth his own
nature, and puts on theirs; as when he becomes as churlish as a
hog, or as
drunk as a sow; but to your conclusion.
[DRINKS.
CAR. Marry, I say, nothing resembling man more than a
swine, it follows,
nothing can be more nourishing; for indeed (but that it abhors
from our
nice nature) if we fed upon one another, we should shoot up a
great deal
faster, and thrive much better; I refer me to your usurous
cannibals, or
such like; but since it is so contrary, pork, pork, is your only
feed.
MACI. I take it, your devil be of the same diet; he would
never have
desired to have been incorporated into swine else. — O, here
comes the
melancholy mess; upon 'em, Carlo, charge, charge!
ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK, SOGLIARDO, AND FUNGOSO.
CAR. 'Fore God, sir Puntarvolo, I am sorry for your
heaviness: body o'
me, a shrew'd mischance! why, had you no unicorn's horn, nor
bezoar's
stone about you, ha?
PUNT. Sir, I would request you be silent.
MACI. Nay, to him again.
CAR. Take comfort, good knight, if your cat have recovered
her catarrh,
fear nothing; your dog's mischance may be holpen.
FAST. Say how, sweet Carlo; for, so God mend me, the poor
knight's moans
draw me into fellowship of his misfortunes. But be not
discouraged, good
sir Puntarvolo, I am content your adventure shall be performed
upon your
cat.
MACI. I believe you, musk-cod, I believe you; for rather
than thou
would'st make present repayment, thou would'st take it upon his
own bare
return from Calais
[ASIDE.
CAR. Nay, 'slife, he'd be content, so he were well rid out
of his company,
to pay him five for one, at his next meeting him in Paul's.
[ASIDE TO
MACILENTE.] — But for your dog, sir Puntarvolo, if he be not
out-right
dead, there is a friend of mine, a quack-salver, shall put life in
him
again, that's certain.
FUNG. O, no, that comes too late.
MACI. 'Sprecious! knight, will you suffer this?
PUNT. Drawer, get me a candle and hard wax presently.
[EXIT GEORGE.
SOG. Ay, and bring up supper; for I am so melancholy.
CAR. O, signior, where's your Resolution?
SOG. Resolution! hang him, rascal: O, Carlo, if you love
me, do not
mention him.
CAR. Why, how so?
SOG. O, the arrantest crocodile that ever Christian was
acquainted with.
By my gentry, I shall think the worse of tobacco while I live, for
his
sake: I did think him to be as tall a man —
MACI. Nay, Buffone, the knight, the knight
[ASIDE TO CARLO.
CAR. 'Slud, he looks like an image carved out of box, full
of knots; his
face is, for all the world, like a Dutch purse, with the mouth
downward,
his beard the tassels; and he walks — let me see — as melancholy
as one
o' the master's side in the Counter. — Do you hear, sir
Puntarvolo?
PUNT. Sir, I do entreat you, no more, but enjoin you to
silence, as you
affect your peace.
CAR. Nay, but dear knight, understand here are none but
friends, and such
as wish you well, I would have you do this now; flay me your dog
presently
(but in any case keep the head) and stuff his skin well with
straw, as you
see these dead monsters at Bartholomew fair.
PUNT. I shall be sudden, I tell you.
CAR. O, if you like not that, sir, get me somewhat a less
dog, and clap
into the skin; here's a slave about the town here, a Jew, one
Yohan: or a
fellow that makes perukes will glue it on artificially, it shall
never be
discern'd; besides, 'twill be so much the warmer for the hound to
travel
in, you know.
MACI. Sir Puntarvolo, death, can you be so patient!
CAR. Or thus, sir; you may have, as you come through
Germany, a familiar
for little or nothing, shall turn itself into the shape of your
dog, or any
thing, what you will, for certain hours — [PUNTARVOLO STRIKES
HIM] — Ods
my life, knight, what do you mean? you'll offer no violence, will
you?
hold, hold!
RE-ENTER GEORGE, WITH WAX, AND A LIGHTED CANDLE.
PUNT. 'Sdeath, you slave, you ban-dog, you!
CAR. As you love wit, stay the enraged knight, gentlemen.
PUNT. By my knighthood, he that stirs in his rescue, dies.
— Drawer, begone!
[EXIT GEORGE.
CAR. Murder, murder, murder!
PUNT. Ay, are you howling, you wolf? — Gentlemen, as you
tender your
lives, suffer no man to enter till my revenge be perfect. Sirrah,
Buffone,
lie down; make no exclamations, but down; down, you cur, or I will
make thy
blood flow on my rapier hilts.
CAR. Sweet knight, hold in thy fury, and 'fore heaven I'll
honour thee
more than the Turk does Mahomet.
PUNT. Down, I say! [CARLO LIES DOWN.] — Who's there?
[KNOCKING WITHIN.
CONS. [WITHIN.] Here's the constable, open the doors.
CAR. Good Macilente —
PUNT. Open no door; if the Adalantado of Spain were here he
should not
enter: one help me with the light, gentlemen; you knock in vain,
sir
officer.
CAR. 'Et tu, Brute!'
PUNT. Sirrah, close your lips, or I will drop it in thine
eyes, by heaven.
CAR. O! O!
CONS. [WITHIN] Open the door, or I will break it open.
MACI. Nay, good constable, have patience a little; you
shall come in
presently; we have almost done.
[PUNTARVOLO SEALS UP CARLO'S LIPS.
PUNT. So, now, are you Out of your Humour, sir? Shift,
gentlemen
[THEY ALL DRAW, AND RUN OUT, EXCEPT FUNGOSO, WHO CONCEALS HIMSELF
BENEATH
THE TABLE.
ENTER CONSTABLE AND OFFICERS, AND SEIZE FASTIDIOUS AS HE IS
RUSHING BY.
CONS. Lay hold upon this gallant, and pursue the rest.
FAST. Lay hold on me, sir, for what?
CONS. Marry, for your riot here, sir, with the rest of your
companions.
FAST. My riot! master constable, take heed what you do.
Carlo, did I
offer any violence?
CONS. O, sir, you see he is not in case to answer you, and that
makes you
so peremptory.
RE-ENTER GEORGE AND DRAWER.
FAST. Peremptory! 'Slife, I appeal to the drawers, if I
did him any hard
measure.
GEORGE. They are all gone, there's none of them will be laid any
hold on.
CONS. Well, sir, you are like to answer till the rest can be
found out.
FAST. 'Slid, I appeal to George here.
CONS. Tut, George was not here: away with him to the Counter,
sirs. —
Come, sir, you were best get yourself drest somewhere.
[EXEUNT CONST. AND OFFICERS, WITH FAST. AND CAR.
GEORGE. Good lord, that master Carlo could not take heed, and
knowing what
a gentleman the knight is, if he be angry.
DRAWER. A pox on 'em, they have left all the meat on our hands;
would they
were choaked with it for me!
RE-ENTER MACILENTE.
MACI. What, are they gone, sirs?
GEORGE. O, here's master Macilente.
MACI. [POINTING TO FUNGOSO.] Sirrah, George, do you see
that concealment
there, that napkin under the table?
GEORGE. 'Ods so, signior Fungoso!
MACI. He's good pawn for the reckoning; be sure you keep
him here, and let
him not go away till I come again, though he offer to discharge
all; I'll
return presently.
GEORGE. Sirrah, we have a pawn for the reckoning.
DRAW. What, of Macilente?
GEORGE. No; look under the table.
FUNG. [CREEPING OUT.] I hope all be quiet now; if I can
get but forth of
this street, I care not: masters, I pray you tell me, is the
constable
gone?
GEORGE. What, master Fungoso!
FUNG. Was't not a good device this same of me, sirs?
GEORGE. Yes, faith; have you been here all this while?
FUNG. O lord, ay; good sir, look an the coast be clear, I'd
fain be going.
GEORGE. All's clear, sir, but the reckoning; and that you must
clear and
pay before you go, I assure you.
FUNG. I pay! 'Slight, I eat not a bit since I came into
the house, yet.
DRAW. Why, you may when you please, 'tis all ready below that was
bespoken.
FUNG. Bespoken! not by me, I hope?
GEORGE. By you, sir! I know not that; but 'twas for you and your
company,
I am sure.
FUNG. My company! 'Slid, I was an invited guest, so I was.
DRAW. Faith we have nothing to do with that, sir: they are all
gone but
you, and we must be answered; that's the short and the long on't.
FUNG. Nay, if you will grow to extremities, my masters,
then would this
pot, cup, and all were in my belly, if I have a cross about me.
GEORGE. What, and have such apparel! do not say so, signior; that
mightily discredits your clothes.
FUNG. As I am an honest man, my tailor had all my money
this morning, and
yet I must be fain to alter my suit too. Good sirs, let me go,
'tis Friday
night, and in good truth I have no stomach in the world to eat any
thing.
DRAW. That's no matter, so you pay, sir.
FUNG. 'Slight, with what conscience can you ask me to pay
that I never
drank for?
GEORGE. Yes, sir, I did see you drink once.
FUNG. By this cup, which is silver, but you did not; you do
me infinite
wrong: I looked in the pot once, indeed, but I did not drink.
DRAW. Well, sir, if you can satisfy our master, it shall be all
one to us.
WITHIN. George!
GEORGE. By and by.
[EXEUNT.
COR. Lose not yourself now, signior
ENTER MACILENTE AND DELIRO.
MACI. Tut, sir, you did bear too hard a conceit of me in
that; but I will
not make my love to you most transparent, in spite of any dust of
suspicion
that may be raised to cloud it; and henceforth, since I see it is
so
against your humour, I will never labour to persuade you.
DELI. Why, I thank you, signior; but what is that you tell
me may concern
my peace so much?
MACI. Faith, sir, 'tist hus. Your wife's brother, signior
Fungoso, being
at supper to-night at a tavern, with a sort of gallants, there
happened
some division amongst them, and he is left in pawn for the
reckoning. Now,
if ever you look that time shall present you with an happy
occasion to do
your wife some gracious and acceptable service, take hold of this
opportunity, and presently go and redeem him; for, being her
brother, and
his credit so amply engaged as now it is, when she shall hear, (as
he cannot himself, but he must out of extremity report it,) that you
came, and offered y
ourself so kindly, and with that respect of his reputation; why,
the
benefit cannot but make her dote, and grow mad of your affections.
DELI. Now, by heaven, Macilente, I acknowledge myself
exceedingly indebted
to you, by this kind tender of your love; and I am sorry to
remember that I
was ever so rude, to neglect a friend of your importance. — Bring
me shoes
and a cloak here. — I was going to bed, if you had not come.
What tavern
is it?
MACI. The Mitre, sir.
DELI. O! Why, Fido! my shoes. — Good faith, it cannot
but please her
exceedingly.
ENTER FALLACE.
FAL. Come, I marle what piece of night-work you have in
hand now, that you
call for a cloak, and your shoes: What, is this your pander?
DELI. O, sweet wife, speak lower, I would not he should
hear thee for a
world —
FAL. Hang him, rascal, I cannot abide him for his
treachery, with his wild
quick-set beard there. Whither go you now with him?
DELI. No, whither with him, dear wife; I go alone to a
place, from whence
I will return instantly. — Good Macilente, acquaint not her with
it by any
means, it may come so much the more accepted; frame some other
answer. —
I'll come back immediately.
[EXIT.
FAL. Nay, an I be not worthy to know whither you go, stay
till I take
knowledge of your coming back.
MACI. Hear you, mistress Deliro.
FAL. So, sir, and what say you?
MACI. Faith, lady, my intents will not deserve this slight
respect, when
you shall know them.
FAL. Your intents! why, what may your intents be, for
God's sake?
MACI. Troth, the time allows no circumstance, lady,
therefore know this
was but a device to remove your husband hence, and bestow him
securely,
whilst, with more conveniency, I might report to you a misfortune
that hath
happened to monsieur Brisk — Nay, comfort, sweet lady. This
night, being
at supper, a sort of young gallants committed a riot, for the
which he only
is apprehended and carried to the Counter, where, if your husband,
and
other creditors, should but have knowledge of him, the poor
gentleman were
undone for ever.
FAL. Ah me! that he were.
MACI. Now, therefore, if you can think upon any present
means for his
delivery, do not foreslow it. A bribe to the officer that
committed him
will do it.
FAL. O lord, sir! he shall not want for a bribe; pray you,
will you
commend me to him, and say I'll visit him presently.
MACI. No, lady, I shall do you better service, in
protracting your
husband's return, that you may go with more safety.
FAL. Good truth, so you may; farewell, good sir. [EXIT
MACI.] — Lord,
how a woman may be mistaken in a man! I would have sworn upon all
the
Testaments in the world he had not loved master Brisk. Bring me
my keys
there, maid. Alas, good gentleman, if all I have in this earthly
world
will pleasure him, it shall be at his service.
[EXIT.
MIT. How Macilente sweats in this business, if you mark him!
COR. Ay, you shall see the true picture of spite, anon:
here comes the
pawn and his redeemer.
ENTER DELIRO, FUNGOSO, AND GEORGE.
DELI. Come, brother, be not discouraged for this, man; what!
FUNG. No, truly, I am not discouraged; but I protest to
you, brother, I
have done imitating any more gallants either in purse or apparel,
but as
shall become a gentleman, for good carriage, or so.
DELI. You say well. — This is all in the bill here, is it
not?
GEORGE. Ay, sir.
DELI. There's your money, tell it: and, brother, I am glad
I met with so
good occasion to shew my love to you.
FUNG. I will study to deserve it in good truth an I live.
DELI. What, is it right?
GEORGE. Ay, sir, and I thank you.
FUNG. Let me have a capon's leg saved, now the reckoning is
paid.
GEORGE. You shall, sir
[EXIT.
ENTER MACILENTE.
MACI. Where's signior Deliro?
DELI. Here, Macilente.
MACI. Hark you, sir, have you dispatch'd this same?
DELI. Ay, marry have I.
MACI. Well then, I can tell you news; Brisk is in the
Counter.
DELI. In the Counter!
MACI. 'Tis true, sir, committed for the stir here to-night.
Now would I
have you send your brother home afore him, with the report of this
your
kindness done him, to his sister, which will so pleasingly possess
her, and
out of his mouth too, that in the meantime you may clap your
action on
Brisk, and your wife, being in so happy a mood, cannot entertain
it ill, by
any means.
DELI. 'Tis very true, she cannot, indeed, I think.
MACI. Think! why 'tis past thought; you shall never meet
the like
opportunity, I assure you.
DELI. I will do it. — Brother, pray you go home afore
(this gentleman and
I have some private business), and tell my sweet wife I'll come
presently.
FUNG. I will, brother.
MACI. And, signior, acquaint your sister, how liberally,
and out of his
bounty, your brother has used you (do you see?), made you a man of
good
reckoning; redeem'd that you never were possest of, credit; gave
you as
gentlemanlike terms as might be; found no fault with your coming
behind the
fashion; nor nothing.
FUNG. Nay, I am out of those humours now.
MACI. Well, if you be out, keep your distance, and be not
made a shot-clog
any more. — Come, signior, let's make haste.
[EXEUNT.
ENTER FALLACE AND FASTIDIOUS BRISK.
FAL. O, master Fastidious, what pity is it to see so sweet
a man as you
are, in so sour a place!
[KISSES HIM.
COR. As upon her lips, does she mean?
MIT. O, this is to be imagined the Counter, belike.
FAST. Troth, fair lady, 'tis first the pleasure of the
fates, and next of
the constable, to have it so: but I am patient, and indeed
comforted the
more in your kind visit.
FAL. Nay, you shall be comforted in me more than this, if
you please, sir.
I sent you word by my brother, sir, that my husband laid to 'rest
you this
morning; I know now whether you received it or no.
FAST. No, believe it, sweet creature, your brother gave me
no such
intelligence.
FAL. O, the lord!
FAST. But has your husband any such purpose?
FAL. O, sweet master Brisk, yes: and therefore be
presently discharged,
for if he come with his actions upon you, Lord deliver you! you
are in for
one half-a-score year; he kept a poor man in Ludgate once twelve
year for
sixteen shillings. Where's your keeper? for love's sake call
him, let him
take a bribe, and despatch you. Lord, how my heart trembles!
here are no
spies, are there?
FAST. No, sweet mistress. Why are you in this passion?
FAL. O lord, master Fastidious, if you knew how I took up
my husband
to-day, when he said he would arrest you; and how I railed at him
that
persuaded him to it, the scholar there (who, on my conscience,
loves you
now), and what care I took to send you intelligence by my brother;
and how
I gave him four sovereigns for his pains: and now, how I came
running out
hither without man or boy with me, so soon as I heard on't; you'd
say I
were in a passion indeed. Your keeper, for God's sake! O, master
Brisk,
as 'tis in 'Euphues', 'Hard is the choice, when one is compelled
either by
silence to die with grief, or by speaking to live with shame'.
FAST. Fair lady, I conceive you, and may this kiss assure
you, that where
adversity hath, as it were, contracted, prosperity shall not —
Od's me!
your husband.
ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.
FAL. O me!
DELI. Ay! Is it thus?
MACI. Why, how now, signior Deliro! has the wolf seen you,
ha? Hath
Gorgon's head made marble of you?
DELI. Some planet strike me dead!
MACI. Why, look you, sir, I told you, you might have
suspected this long
afore, had you pleased, and have saved this labour of admiration
now, and
passion, and such extremities as this frail lump of flesh is
subject unto.
Nay, why do you not doat now, signior? methinks you should say it
were
some enchantment, 'deceptio visus', or so, ha! If you could
persuade
yourself it were a dream now, 'twere excellent: faith, try what
you can
do, signior: it may be your imagination will be brought to it in
time;
there's nothing impossible.
FAL. Sweet husband!
DELI. Out, lascivious strumpet!
[EXIT.
MACI. What! did you see how ill that stale vein became him
afore, of
'sweet wife', and 'dear heart'; and are you fallen just into the
same now,
with 'sweet husband'! Away, follow him, go, keep state: what!
remember
you are a woman, turn impudent; give him not the head, though you
give him
the horns. Away. And yet, methinks, you should take your leave
of 'enfant
perdu' here, your forlorn hope. [EXIT FAL.] — How now, monsieur
Brisk?
what! Friday night, and in affliction too, and yet your
pulpamenta, your
delicate morsels! I perceive the affection of ladies and
gentlewomen
pursues you wheresoever you go, monsieur.
FAST. Now, in good faith, and as I am gentle, there could
not have come a
thing in this world to have distracted me more, than the wrinkled
fortunes
of this poor dame.
MACI. O yes, sir; I can tell you a think will distract you
much better,
believe it: Signior Deliro has entered three actions against you,
three
actions, monsieur! marry, one of them (I'll put you in comfort)
is but
three thousand, and the other two, some five thousand pound
together:
trifles, trifles.
FAST. O, I am undone.
MACI. Nay, not altogether so, sir; the knight must have his
hundred pound
repaid, that will help too; and then six score pounds for a
diamond, you
know where. These be things will weigh, monsieur, they will weigh.
FAST. O heaven!
MACI. What! do you sigh? this is to 'kiss the hand of a
countess', to
'have her coach sent for you', to 'hang poniards in ladies'
garters', to
'wear bracelets of their hair', and for every one of these great
favours to
'give some slight jewel of five hundred crowns, or so'; why, 'tis
nothing.
Now, monsieur, you see the plague that treads on the heels o' your
foppery:
well, go your ways in, remove yourself to the two-penny ward
quickly, to
save charges, and there set up your rest to spend sir Puntarvolo's
hundred
pound for him. Away, good pomander, go!
[EXIT FASTIDIOUS.
Why here's a change! now is my soul at peace:
I am as empty of all envy now,
As they of merit to be envied at.
My humour, like a flame, no longer lasts
Than it hath stuff to feed it; and their folly
Being now raked up in their repentant ashes,
Affords no ampler subject to my spleen.
I am so far from malicing their states,
That I begin to pity them. It grieves me
To think they have a being. I could wish
They might turn wise upon it, and be saved now,
So heaven were pleased; but let them vanish, vapours! —
Gentlemen, how like you it? has't not been tedious?
COR. Nay, we have done censuring now.
MIT. Yes, faith.
MACI. How so?
COR. Marry, because we'll imitate your actors, and be out
of our humours.
Besides, here are those round about you of more ability in censure
than we,
whose judgments can give it a more satisfying allowance; we'll
refer you to
them.
[EXEUNT CORDATUS AND MITIS.
MACI. [COMING FORWARD.] Ay, is it even so? — Well,
gentlemen, I should
have gone in, and return'd to you as I was Asper at the first; but
by
reason the shift would have been somewhat long, and we are loth to
draw
your patience farther, we'll entreat you to imagine it. And now,
that you
may see I will be out of humour for company, I stand wholly to
your kind
approbation, and indeed am nothing so peremptory as I was in the
beginning:
marry, I will not do as Plautus in his 'Amphytrio', for all this,
'summi
Jovis causa plaudite'; beg a plaudite for God's sake; but if you,
out of
the bounty of your good-liking, will bestow it, why, you may in
time make
lean Macilente as fat as sir John Falstaff.
[EXIT.
AT THE PRESENTATION BEFORE QUEEN ELIZABETH
BY MACILENTE.
Never till now did object greet mine eyes
With any light content: but in her graces
All my malicious powers have lost their stings.
Envy is fled from my soul at sight of her,
And she hath chased all black thoughts from my bosom,
Like as the sun doth darkness from the world,
My stream of humour is run out of me,
And as our city's torrent, bent t'infect
The hallow'd bowels of the silver Thames,
Is check'd by strength and clearness of the river,
Till it hath spent itself even at the shore;
So in the ample and unmeasured flood
Of her perfections, are my passions drown'd;
And I have now a spirit as sweet and clear
As the more rarefied and subtle air: —
With which, and with a heart as pure as fire,
Yet humble as the earth, do I implore
[KNEELS.
O heaven, that She, whose presence hath effected
This change in me, may suffer most late change
In her admired and happy government:
May still this Island be call'd Fortunate,
And rugged Treason tremble at the sound,
When Fame shall speak it with an emphasis.
Let foreign polity be dull as lead,
And pale Invasion come with half a heart,
When he but looks upon her blessed soil.
The throat of War be stopt within her land,
And turtle-footed Peace dance fairy rings
About her court; where never may there come
Suspect or danger, but all trust and safety.
Let Flattery be dumb, and Envy blind
In her dread presence; Death himself admire her;
And may her virtues make him to forget
The use of his inevitable hand.
Fly from her, Age; sleep, Time, before her throne;
Our strongest wall falls down, when she is gone.
ABATE, cast down, subdue
ABHORRING, repugnant (to), at variance
ABJECT, base, degraded thing, outcast
ABRASE, smooth, blank
ABSOLUTE(LY), faultless(ly)
ABSTRACTED, abstract, abstruse
ABUSE, deceive, insult, dishonour, make ill use of
ACATER, caterer
ACATES, cates
ACCEPTIVE, willing, ready to accept, receive
ACCOMMODATE, fit, befitting. (The word was a fashionable one and
used on
all occasions. See "Henry IV.," pt. 2, iii.4)
ACCOST, draw near, approach
ACKNOWN, confessedly acquainted with
ACME, full maturity
ADALANTADO, lord deputy or governor of a Spanish province
ADJECTION, addition
ADMIRATION, astonishment
ADMIRE, wonder, wonder at
ADROP, philosopher's stone, or substance from which obtained
ADSCRIVE, subscribe
ADULTERATE, spurious, counterfeit
ADVANCE, life
ADVERTISE, inform, give intelligence
ADVERTISED, "be —," be it known to you
ADVERTISEMENT, intelligence
ADVISE, consider, bethink oneself, deliberate
ADVISED, informed, aware; "are you —?" have you found that out?
AFFECT, love, like; aim at; move
AFFECTED, disposed; beloved
AFFECTIONATE, obstinate; prejudiced
AFFECTS, affections
AFFRONT, "give the — ," face
AFFY, have confidence in; betroth
AFTER, after the manner of
AGAIN, AGAINST, in anticipation of
AGGRAVATE, increase, magnify, enlarge upon
AGNOMINATION. See Paranomasie
AIERY, nest, brood
AIM, guess
ALL HID, children's cry at hide-and-seek
ALL-TO, completely, entirely ("all-to-be-laden")
ALLOWANCE, approbation, recognition
ALMA-CANTARAS (astron.), parallels of altitude
ALMAIN, name of a dance
ALMUTEN, planet of chief influence in the horoscope
ALONE, unequalled, without peer
ALUDELS, subliming pots
AMAZED, confused, perplexed
AMBER, AMBRE, ambergris
AMBREE, MARY, a woman noted for her valour at the siege of Ghent,
1458
AMES-ACE, lowest throw at dice
AMPHIBOLIES, ambiguities
AMUSED, bewildered, amazed
AN, if
ANATOMY, skeleton, or dissected body
ANDIRONS, fire-dogs
ANGEL, gold coin worth 10s., stamped with the figure of the
archangel Michael
ANNESH CLEARE, spring known as Agnes le Clare
ANSWER, return hit in fencing
ANTIC, ANTIQUE, clown, buffoon
ANTIC, like a buffoon
ANTIPERISTASIS, an opposition which enhances the quality it opposes
APOZEM, decoction
AFFERIL, peril
APPLE-JOHN, APPLE-SQUIRE, pimp, pander
APPLY, attach
APPREHEND, take into custody
APPREHENSIVE, quick of perception; able to perceive and appreciate
APPROVE, prove, confirm
APT, suit, adapt; train, prepare; dispose, incline
APT(LY), suitable(y), opportune(ly)
APTITUDE, suitableness
ARBOR, "make the —," cut up the game (Gifford)
ARCHES, Court of Arches
ARCHIE, Archibald Armstrong, jester to James I. and Charles I.
ARGAILE, argol, crust or sediment in wine casks
ARGENT-VIVE, quicksilver
ARGUMENT, plot of a drama; theme, subject; matter in question;
token, proof
ARRIDE, please
ARSEDINE, mixture of copper and zinc, used as an imitation of
gold-leaf
ARTHUR, PRINCE, reference to an archery show by a society who
assumed arms,
etc., of Arthur's knights
ARTICLE, item
ARTIFICIALLY, artfully
ASCENSION, evaporation, distillation
ASPIRE, try to reach, obtain, long for
ASSALTO (Ital.), assault
ASSAY, draw a knife along the belly of the deer, a ceremony of the
hunting-field
ASSOIL, solve
ASSURE, secure possession or reversion of
ATHANOR, a digesting furnace, calculated to keep up a constant heat
ATONE, reconcile
ATTACH, attack, seize
AUDACIOUS, having spirit and confidence
AUTHENTIC(AL), of authority, authorised, trustworthy, genuine
AVISEMENT, reflection, consideration
AVOID, begone! get rid of
AWAY WITH, endure
AZOCH, Mercurius Philosophorum
BABION, baboon
BABY, doll
BACK-SIDE, back premises
BAFFLE, treat with contempt
BAGATINE, Italian coin, worth about the third of a farthing
BALARD, horse of magic powers known to old romance
BALDRICK, belt worn across the breast to support bugle, etc.
BALE (of dice), pair
BALK, overlook, pass by, avoid
BALLACE, ballast
BALLOO, game at ball
BALNEUM (BAIN MARIE), a vessel for holding hot water in which
other vessels
are stood for heating
BANBURY, "brother of __," Puritan
BANDOG, dog tied or chained up
BANE, woe, ruin
BANQUET, a light repast; dessert
BARB, to clip gold
BARBEL, fresh-water fish
BARE, meer; bareheaded; it was "a particular mark of state and
grandeur for
the coachman to be uncovered" (Gifford)
BARLEY-GREAK, game somewhat similar to base
BASE, game of prisoner's base
BASES, richly embroidered skirt reaching to the knees, or lower
BASILISK, fabulous reptile, believed to slay with its eye
BASKET, used for the broken provision collected for prisoners
BASON, basons, etc., were beaten by the attendant mob when bad
characters
were "carted"
BATE, be reduced; abate, reduce
BATOON, baton, stick
BATTEN, feed, grow fat
BAWSON, badger
BEADSMAN, PRAYER-MAN, one engaged to pray for another
BEAGLE, small hound; fig. spy
BEAR IN HAND, keep in suspense, deceive with false hopes
BEARWARD, bear leader
BEDPHERE See Phere
BEDSTAFF, (?) wooden pin in the side of the bedstead for
supporting the
bedclothes (Johnson); one of the sticks of "laths"; a stick used
in making
a bed
BEETLE, heavy mallet
BEG, "I'd — him," the custody of minors and idiots was begged for;
likewise property fallen forfeit to the Crown ("your house had
been begged")
BELL-MAN, night watchman
BENJAMIN, an aromatic gum
BERLINA, pillory
BESCUMBER, defile
BESLAVE, beslabber
BESOGNO, beggar
BESPAWLE, bespatter
BETHLEHEM GABOR, Transylvanian hero, proclaimed King of Hungary
BEVER, drinking
BEVIS, SIR, knight of romance whose horse was equally celebrated
BEWAY, reveal, make known
BEZANT, heraldic term: small gold circle
BEZOAR'S STONE, a remedy known by this name was a supposed
antidote to poison
BID-STAND, highwayman
BIGGIN, cap, similar to that worn by the Beguines; nightcap
BILIVE (belive), with haste
BILE, nothing, empty talk
BILL, kind of pike
BILLET, wood cut for fuel, stick
BIRDING, thieving
BLACK SANCTUS, burlesque hymn, any unholy riot
BLANK, originally a small French coin
BLANK, white
BLANKET, toss in a blanket
BLAZE, outburst of violence
BLAZE, (her.) blazon; publish abroad
BLAZON, armorial bearings; fig. all that pertains to good birth
and breeding
BLIN, "withouten —," without ceasing
BLOW, puff up
BLUE, colour of servants' livery, hence "— order," "— waiters"
BLUSHET, blushing one
BOB, jest, taunt
BOB, beat, thump
BODGE, measure
BODKIN, dagger, or other short, pointed weapon; long pin with
which the
women fastened up their hair
BOLT, roll (of material)
BOLT, dislodge, rout out; sift (boulting-tub)
BOLT'S-HEAD, long, straight-necked vessel for distillation.
BOMBARD SLOPS, padded, puffed-out breeches
BONA ROBA, "good, wholesome, plum-cheeked wench" (Johnson) — not
always
used in compliment
BONNY-CLABBER, sour butter-milk
BOOKHOLDER, prompter
BOOT, "to —," into the bargain; "no —," of no avail
BORACHIO, bottle made of skin
BORDELLO, brothel
BORNE IT, conducted, carried it through
BOTTLE (of han), bundle, truss
BOTTOM, skein or ball of thread; vessel
BOURD, jest
BOVOLI, snails or cockles dressed in the Italian manner (Gifford)
BOW-POT, flower vase or pot
BOYE, "terrible —," "angry —," roystering young bucks. (See
Nares)
BRABBLES (BRABBLESH), brawls
BRACH, bitch
BRADAMANTE, a heroine in 'Orlando Furioso'
BRADLEY, ARTHUR OF, a lively character commemorated in ballads
BRAKE, frame for confining a norse's feet while being shod, or
strong curb
or bridle; trap
BRANCHED, with "detached sleeve ornaments, projecting from the
shoulders of
the gown" (Gifford)
BRANDISH, flourish of weapon
BRASH, brace
BRAVE, bravado, braggart speech
BRAVE (adv.), gaily, finely (apparelled)
BRAVERIES, gallants
BRAVERY, extravagant gaiety of apparel
BRAVO, bravado, swaggerer
BRAZEN-HEAD, speaking head made by Roger Bacon
BREATHE, pause for relaxation; exercise
BREATH UPON, speak dispraisingly of
BREND, burn
BRIDE-ALE, wedding feast
BRIEF, abstract; (mus.) breve
BRISK, smartly dressed
BRIZE, breese, gadfly
BROAD-SEAL, state seal
BROCK, badger (term of contempt)
BROKE, transact business as a broker
BROOK, endure, put up with
BROUGHTON, HUGH, an English divine and Hebrew scholar
BRUIT, rumour
BUCK, wash
BUCKLE, bend
BUFF, leather made of buffalo skin, used for military and
serjeants' coats,
etc.
BUFO, black tincture
BUGLE, long-shaped bead
BULLED, (?) boiled, swelled
BULLIONS, trunk hose
BULLY, term of familiar endearment
BUNGY, Friar Bungay, who had a familiar in the shape of a dog
BURDEN, refrain, chorus
BURGONET, closely-fitting helmet with visor
BURGULLION, braggadocio
BURN, mark wooden measures (" —ing of cans")
BURROUGH, pledge, security
BUSKIN, half-boot, foot gear reaching high up the leg
BUTT-SHAFT, barbless arrow for shooting at butts
BUTTER, NATHANIEL. ("Staple of News"), a compiler of general
news. (See
Cunningham)
BUTTERY-HATCH, half-door shutting off the buttery, where
provisions and
liquors were stored
BUY, "he bought me," formerly the guardianship of wards could be
bought
BUZ, exclamation to enjoin silence
BUZZARD, simpleton
BY AND BY, at once
BY(E), "on the __," incidentally, as of minor or secondary
importance; at
the side
BY-CHOP, by-blow, bastard
CADUCEUS, Mercury's wand
CALIVER, light kind of musket
CALLET, woman of ill repute
CALLOT, coif worn on the wigs of our judges or serjeants-at-law
(Gifford)
CALVERED, crimped, or sliced and pickled. (See Nares)
CAMOUCCIO, wretch, knave
CAMUSED, flat
CAN, knows
CANDLE-RENT, rent from house property
CANDLE-WASTER, one who studies late
CANTER, sturdy beggar
CAP OF MAINTENCE, an insignia of dignity, a cap of state borne
before kings
at their coronation; also an heraldic term
CAPABLE, able to comprehend, fit to receive instruction, impression
CAPANEUS, one of the "Seven against Thebes"
CARACT, carat, unit of weight for precious stones, etc.; value,
worth
CARANZA, Spanish author of a book on duelling
CARCANET, jewelled ornament for the neck
CARE, take care; object
CAROSH, coach, carriage
CARPET, table-cover
CARRIAGE, bearing, behaviour
CARWHITCHET, quip, pun
CASAMATE, casemate, fortress
CASE, a pair
CASE, "in —," in condition
CASSOCK, soldier's loose overcoat
CAST, flight of hawks, couple
CAST, throw dice; vomit; forecast, calculate
CAST, cashiered
CASTING-GLASS, bottle for sprinkling perfume
CASTRIL, kestrel, falcon
CAT, structure used in sieges
CATAMITE, old form of "ganymede"
CATASTROPHE, conclusion
CATCHPOLE, sheriff's officer
CATES, dainties, provisions
CATSO, rogue, cheat
CAUTELOUS, crafty, artful
CENSURE, criticism; sentence
CENSURE, criticise; pass sentence, doom
CERUSE, cosmetic containing white lead
CESS, assess
CHANGE, "hunt —," follow a fresh scent
CHAPMAN, retail dealer
CHARACTER, handwriting
CHARGE, expense
CHARM, subdue with magic, lay a spell on, silence
CHARMING, exercising magic power
CHARTEL, challenge
CHEAP, bargain, market
CHEAR, CHEER, comfort, encouragement; food, entertainment
CHECK AT, aim reproof at
CHEQUIN, gold Italian coin
CHEVEIL, from kidskin, which is elastic and pliable
CHIAUS, Turkish envoy; used for a cheat, swindler
CHILDERMASS DAY, Innocents' Day
CHOKE-BAIL, action which does not allow of bail
CHRYSOPOEIA, alchemy
CHRYSOSPERM, ways of producing gold
CIBATION, adding fresh substances to supply the waste of
evaporation
CIMICI, bugs
CINOPER, cinnabar
CIOPPINI, chopine, lady's high shoe
CIRCLING BOY, "a species of roarer; one who in some way drew a man
into a
snare, to cheat or rob him" (Nares)
CIRCUMSTANCE, circumlocution, beating about the bush; ceremony,
everything
pertaining to a certain condition; detail, particular
CITRONISE, turn citron colour
CITTERN, kind of guitar
CITY-WIRES, woman of fashion, who made use of wires for hair and
dress
CIVIL, legal
CLAP, clack, chatter
CLAPPER-DUDGEON, downright beggar
CLAPS HIS DISH, a clap, or clack, dish (dish with a movable lid)
was
carried by beggars and lepers to show that the vessel was empty,
and to
give sound of their approach
CLARIDIANA, heroine of an old romance
CLARISSIMO, Venetian noble
CLEM, starve
CLICKET, latch
CLIM O' THE CLOUGHS, etc., wordy heroes of romance
CLIMATE, country
CLOSE, secret, private; secretive
CLOSENESS, secrecy
CLOTH, arras, hangings
CLOUT, mark shot at, bull's eye
CLOWN, countryman, clodhopper
COACH-LEAVES, folding blinds
COALS, "bear no —," submit to no affront
COAT-ARMOUR, coat of arms
COAT-CARD, court-card
COB-HERRING, HERRING-COB, a young herring
COB-SWAN, male swan
COCK-A-HOOP, denoting unstinted jollity; thought to be derived
from turning
on the tap that all might drink to the full of the flowing liquor
COCKATRICE, reptile supposed to be produced from a cock's egg and
to kill
by its eye — used as a term of reproach for a woman
COCK-BRAINED, giddy, wild
COCKER, pamper
COCKSCOMB, fool's cap
COCKSTONE, stone said to be found in a cock's gizzard, and to
possess
particular virtues
CODLING, softening by boiling
COFFIN, raised crust of a pie
COG, cheat, wheedle
COIL, turmoil, confusion, ado
COKELY, master of a puppet-show (Whalley)
COKES, fool, gull
COLD-CONCEITED, having cold opinion of, coldly affected towards
COLE-HARBOUR, a retreat for people of all sorts
COLLECTION, composure; deduction
COLLOP, small slice, piece of flesh
COLLY, blacken
COLOUR, pretext
COLOURS, "fear no —," no enemy (quibble)
COLSTAFF, cowlstaff, pole for carrying a cowl=tub
COME ABOUT, charge, turn round
COMFORTABLE BREAD, spiced gingerbread
COMING, forward, ready to respond, complaisant
COMMENT, commentary; "sometime it is taken for a lie or fayned
tale"
(Bullokar, 1616)
COMMODITY, "current for —," allusion to practice of
money-lenders, who
forced the borrower to take part of the loan in the shape of
worthless
goods on which the latter had to make money if he could
COMMUNICATE, share
COMPASS, "in —," within the range, sphere
COMPLEMENT, completion, completement; anything required for the
perfecting
or carrying out of a person or affair; accomplishment
COMPLEXION, natural disposition, constitution
COMPLIMENT, See Complement
COMPLIMENTARIES, masters of accomplishments
COMPOSITION, constitution; agreement, contract
COMPOSURE, composition
COMPTER, COUNTER, debtors' prison
CONCEALMENT, a certain amount of church property had been retained
at the
dissolution of the monasteries; Elizabeth sent commissioners to
search it
out, and the courtiers begged for it
CONCEIT, idea, fancy, witty invention, conception, opinion
CONCEIT, apprehend
CONCEITED, fancifully, ingeniously devised or conceived; possessed
of
intelligence, witty, ingenious (hence well conceited, etc.);
disposed to
joke; of opinion, possessed of an idea
CONCEIVE, understand
CONCENT, harmony, agreement
CONCLUDE, infer, prove
CONCOCT, assimilate, digest
CONDEN'T, probably conducted
CONDUCT, escort, conductor
CONEY-CATCH, cheat
CONFECT, sweetmeat
CONFER, compare
CONGIES, bows
CONNIVE, give a look, wink, of secret intelligence
CONSORT, company, concert
CONSTANCY, fidelity, ardour, persistence
CONSTANT, confirmed, persistent, faithful
CONSTANTLY, firmly, persistently
CONTEND, strive
CONTINENT, holding together
CONTROL (the point), bear or beat down
CONVENT, assembly, meeting
CONVERT, turn (oneself)
CONVEY, transmit from one to another
CONVINCE, evince, prove; overcome, overpower; convict
COP, head, top; tuft on head of birds; "a cop" may have reference
to one or
other meaning; Gifford and others interpret as "conical,
terminating in a
point"
COPE-MAN, chapman
COPESMATE, companion
CORV (Lat. Copia), abundance, copiousness
CORN ("powder - "), grain
COROLLARY, finishing part or touch
CORSIVE, corrosive
CORTINE, curtain, (arch.) wall between two towers, etc.
CORYAT, famous for his travels, published as 'Coryat's Crudities'
COSSET, pet lamb, pet
COSTARD, head
COSTARD-MONGER, apple-seller, coster-monger
COSTS, ribs
COTE, hut
COTHURNAL, from "cothurnus," a particular boot worn by actors in
Greek tragedy
COTQUEAN, hussy
COUNSEL, secret
COUNTENANCE, means necessary for support; credit, standing
COUNTER. See Compter
COUNTER, pieces of metal or ivory for calculating at play
COUNTER, "hunt —," follow scent in reverse direction
COUNTERFEIT, false coin
COUNTERPANE, one part or counterpart of a deed or indenture
COUNTERPOINT, opposite, contrary point
COURT-DISH, a kind of drinking-cup (Halliwell); N.E.D. quotes from
Bp.
Goodman's 'Court of James I.: "The king...caused his carver to cut
him out
a court-dish, that is, something of every dish, which he sent him
as part
of his reversion," but this does not sound like short allowance or
small
receptacle
COURT-DOR, fool
COURTEAU, curtal, small horse with docked tail
COURTSHIP, courtliness
COVETISE, avarice
COWSHARD, cow dung
COXCOMB, fool's cap, fool
COY, shrink; disdain
COYSTREL, low varlet
COZEN, cheat
CRACK, lively young rogue, wag
CRACK, crack up, boast; come to grief
CRAMBE, game of crambo, in which the players find rhymes for a
given word
CRANCH, craunch
CRANTON, spider-like; also fairy appellation for a fly (Gifford,
who refers
to lines in Drayton's "Nimphidia")
CRIMP, game at cards
CRINCLE, draw back, turn aside
CRISPED, with curled or waved hair
CROP, gather, reap
CROPSHIRE, a kind of herring. (See N.E.D.)
CROSS, any piece of money, many coins being stamped with a cross
CROSS AND FILE, heads and tails
CROSSLET, crucible
CROWD, fiddle
CRUDITIES, undigested matter
CRUMP, curl up
CRUSADO, Portuguese gold coin, marked with a cross
CRY ("he that cried Italian):, "speak in a musical cadence,"
intone, or
declaim(?); cry up
CUCKING-STOOL, used for the ducking of scolds, etc.
CUCURBITE, a gourd-shaped vessel used for distillation
CUERPO, "in —," in undress
CULLICE, broth
CULLION, base fellow, coward
CULLISEN, badge worn on their arm by servants
CULVERIN, kind of cannon
CUNNING, skill
CUNNING, skilful
CUNNING-MAN, fortune-teller
CURE, care for
CURIOUS(LY), scrupulous, particular; elaborate, elegant(ly),
dainty(ly)
(hence "in curious")
CURST, shrewish, mischievous
CURTAL, dog with docked tail, of inferior sort
CUSTARD, "quaking —," " — politic," reference to a large custard
which
formed part of a city feast and afforded huge entertainment, for
the fool
jumped into it, and other like tricks were played. (See "All's
Well, etc."
ii. 5, 40)
CUTWORK, embroidery, open-work
CYPRES (CYPRUS) (quibble), cypress (or cyprus) being a transparent
material, and when black used for mourning
DAGGER (" — frumety"), name of tavern
DARGISON, apparently some person known in ballad or tale
DAUPHIN MY BOY, refrain of old comic song
DAW, daunt
DEAD LIFT, desperate emergency
DEAR, applied to that which in any way touches us nearly
DECLINE, turn off from; turn away, aside
DEFALK, deduct, abate
DEFEND, forbid
DEGENEROUS, degenerate
DEGREES, steps
DELATE, accuse
DEMI-CULVERIN, cannon carrying a ball of about ten pounds
DENIER, the smallest possible coin, being the twelfth part of a sou
DEPART, part with
DEPENDANCE, ground of quarrel in duello language
DESERT, reward
DESIGNMENT, design
DESPERATE, rash, reckless
DETECT, allow to be detected, betray, inform against
DETERMINE, terminate
DETRACT, draw back, refuse
DEVICE, masque, show; a thing moved by wires, etc., puppet
DEVISE, exact in every particular
DEVISED, invented
DIAPASM, powdered aromatic herbs, made into balls of perfumed
paste. (See
Pomander)
DIBBLE, (?) moustache (N.E.D.); (?) dagger (Cunningham)
DIFFUSED, disordered, scattered, irregular
DIGHT, dressed
DILDO, refrain of popular songs; vague term of low meaning
DIMBLE, dingle, ravine
DIMENSUM, stated allowance
DISBASE, debase
DISCERN, distinguish, show a difference between
DISCHARGE, settle for
DISCIPLINE, reformation; ecclesiastical system
DISCLAIM, renounce all part in
DISCOURSE, process of reasoning, reasoning faculty
DISCOURTSHIP, discourtesy
DISCOVER, betray, reveal; display
DISFAVOUR, disfigure
DISPARGEMENT, legal term supplied to the unfitness in any way of a
marriage
arranged for in the case of wards
DISPENSE WITH, grant dispensation for
DISPLAY, extend
DIS'PLE, discipline, teach by the whip
DISPOSED, inclined to merriment
DISPOSURE, disposal
DISPRISE, depreciate
DISPUNCT, not punctilious
DISQUISITION, search
DISSOLVED, enervated by grief
DISTANCE, (?) proper measure
DISTASTE, offence, cause of offence
DISTASTE, render distasteful
DISTEMPERED, upset, out of humour
DIVISION (mus.), variation, modulation
DOG-BOLT, term of contempt
DOLE, given in dole, charity
DOLE OF FACES, distribution of grimaces
DOOM, verdict, sentence
DOP, dip, low bow
DOR, beetle, buzzing insect, drone, idler
DOR, (?) buzz; "give the —," make a fool of
DOSSER, pannier, basket
DOTES, endowments, qualities
DOTTEREL, plover; gull, fool
DOUBLE, behave deceitfully
DOXY, wench, mistress
DRACHM, Greek silver coin
DRESS, groom, curry
DRESSING, coiffure
DRIFT, intention
DRYFOOT, track by mere scent of foot
DUCKING, punishment for minor offences
DUILL, grieve
DUMPS, melancholy, originally a mournful melody
DURINDANA, Orlando's sword
DWINDLE, shrink away, be overawed
EAN, yean, bring forth young
EASINESS, readiness
EBOLITION, ebullition
EDGE, sword
EECH, eke
EGREGIOUS, eminently excellent
EKE, also, moreover
E-LA, highest note in the scale
EGGS ON THE SPIT, important business on hand
ELF-LOCK, tangled hair, supposed to be the work of elves
EMMET, ant
ENGAGE, involve
ENGHLE. See Ingle
ENGHLE, cajole; fondle
ENGIN(E), device, contrivance; agent; ingenuity, wit
ENGINER, engineer, deviser, plotter
ENGINOUS, crafty, full of devices; witty, ingenious
ENGROSS, monopolise
ENS, an existing thing, a substance
ENSIGNS, tokens, wounds
ENSURE, assure
ENTERTAIN, take into service
ENTREAT, plead
ENTREATY, entertainment
ENTRY, place where a deer has lately passed
ENVOY, denouement, conclusion
ENVY, spite, calumny, dislike, odium
EPHEMERIDES, calendars
EQUAL, just, impartial
ERECTION, elevation in esteem
ERINGO, candied root of the sea-holly, formerly used as a
sweetmeat and
aphrodisiac
ERRANT, arrant
ESSENTIATE, become assimilated
ESTIMATION, esteem
ESTRICH, ostrich
ETHNIC, heathen
EURIPUS, flux and reflux
EVEN, just equable
EVENT, fate, issue
EVENT(ED), issue(d)
EVERT, overturn
EXACUATE, sharpen
EXAMPLESS, without example or parallel
EXCALIBUR, King Arthur's sword
EXEMPLIFY, make an example of
EXEMPT, separate, exclude
EXEQUIES, obsequies
EXHALE, drag out
EXHIBITION, allowance for keep, pocket-money
EXORBITANT, exceeding limits of propriety or law, inordinate
EXORNATION, ornament
EXPECT, wait
EXPLATE, terminate
EXPLICATE, explain, unfold
EXTEMPORAL, extempore, unpremediated
EXTRACTION, essence
EXTRAORDINARY, employed for a special or temporary purpose
EXTRUDE, expel
EYE, "in —," in view
EYEBRIGHT, (?) a malt liquor in which the herb of this name was
infused, or
a person who sold the same (Gifford)
EYE-TINGE, least shade or gleam
FACE, appearance
FACES ABOUT, military word of command
FACINOROUS, extremely wicked
FACKINGS, faith
FACT, deed, act, crime
FACTIOUS, seditious, belonging to a party, given to party feeling
FAECES, dregs
FAGIOLI, French beans
FAIN, forced, necessitated
FAITHFUL, believing
FALL, ruff or band turned back on the shoulders; or, veil
FALSIFY, feign (fencing term)
FAME, report
FAMILIAR, attendant spirit
FANTASTICAL, capricious, whimsical
FARCE, stuff
FAR-FET. See Fet
FARTHINGAL, hooped petticoat
FAUCET, tapster
FAULT, lack; loss, break in line of scent; "for —," in default of
FAUTOR, partisan
FAYLES, old table game similar to backgammon
FEAR(ED), affright(ed)
FEAT, activity, operation; deed, action
FEAT, elegant, trim
FEE, "in —" by feudal obligation
FEIZE, beat, belabour
FELLOW, term of contempt
FENNEL, emblem of flattery
FERE, companion, fellow
FERN-SEED, supposed to have power of rendering invisible
FET, fetched
FETCH, trick
FEUTERER (Fr. vautrier), dog-keeper
FEWMETS, dung
FICO, fig
FIGGUM, (?) jugglery
FIGMENT, fiction, invention
FIRK, frisk, move suddenly, or in jerks; "— up," stir up, rouse;
"firks
mad," suddenly behaves like a madman
FIT, pay one out, punish
FITNESS, readiness
FITTON (FITTEN), lie, invention
FIVE-AND-FIFTY, "highest number to stand on at primero" (Gifford)
FLAG, to fly low and waveringly
FLAGON CHAIN, for hanging a smelling-bottle (Fr. flacon) round the
neck
(?). (See N.E.D.)
FLAP-DRAGON, game similar to snap-dragon
FLASKET, some kind of basket
FLAW, sudden gust or squall of wind
FLAWN, custard
FLEA, catch fleas
FLEER, sneer, laugh derisively
FLESH, feed a hawk or dog with flesh to incite it to the chase;
initiate in
blood-shed; satiate
FLICKER-MOUSE, bat
FLIGHT, light arrow
FLITTER-MOUSE, bat
FLOUT, mock, speak and act contemptuously
FLOWERS, pulverised substance
FLY, familiar spirit
FOIL, weapon used in fencing; that which sets anything off to
advantage
FOIST, cut-purse, sharper
FOND(LY), foolish(ly)
FOOT-CLOTH, housings of ornamental cloth which hung down on either
side a
horse to the ground
FOOTING, foothold; footstep; dancing
FOPPERY, foolery
FOR, "— failing," for fear of failing
FORBEAR, bear with; abstain from
FORCE, "hunt at —," run the game down with dogs
FOREHEAD, modesty; face, assurance, effrontery
FORESLOW, delay
FORESPEAK, bewitch; foretell
FORETOP, front lock of hair which fashion required to be worn
upright
FORGED, fabricated
FORM, state formally
FORMAL, shapely; normal; conventional
FORTHCOMING, produced when required
FOUNDER, disable with over-riding
FOURM, form, lair
FOX, sword
FRAIL, rush basket in which figs or raisins were packed
FRAMFULL, peevish, sour-tempered
FRAPLER, blusterer, wrangler
FRAYING, "a stag is said to fray his head when he rubs it against
a tree
to...cause the outward coat of the new horns to fall off" (Gifford)
FREIGHT (of the gazetti), burden (of the newspapers)
FREQUENT, full
FRICACE, rubbing
FRICATRICE, woman of low character
FRIPPERY, old clothes shop
FROCK, smock-frock
FROLICS, (?) humorous verses circulated at least (N.E.D.);
couplets wrapped
round sweetmeats (Cunningham)
FRONTLESS, shameless
FROTED, rubbed
FRUMETY, hulled wheat boiled in milk and spiced
FRUMP, flout, sneer
FUCUS, dye
FUGEAND, (?) figment: flighty, restless (N.E.D.)
FULLAM, false dice
FULMART, polecat
FULSOME, foul, offensive
FURIBUND, raging, furious
GALLEY-FOIST, city-barge, used on Lord Mayor's Day, when he was
sworn into
his office at Westminster (Whalley)
GALLIARD, lively dance in triple time
GAPE, be eager after
GARAGANTUA, Rabelais' giant
GARB, sheaf (Fr. Gerbe); manner, fashion, behaviour
BARD, guard, trimming, gold or silver lace, or other ornament
GARDED, faced or trimmed
GARNISH, fee
GAVEL-KIND, name of a land-tenure existing chiefly in Kent; from
16th
century often used to denote custom of dividing a deceased man's
property
equally among his sons (N.E.D.)
GAZETTE, small Venetian coin worth about three-farthings
GEANCE, jaunt, errand
GEAR (GEER), stuff, matter, affair
GELID, frozen
GEMONIES, steps from which the bodies of criminals were thrown
into the river
GENERAL, free, affable
GENIUS, attendant spirit
GENTRY, gentlemen; manners characteristic of gentry, good breeding
GIB-CAT, tom-cat
GIGANTOMACHIZE, start a giants' war
GIGLOT, wanton
GIMBLET, gimlet
GING, gang
GLASS ("taking in of shadows, etc."), crystal or beryl
GLEEK, card game played by three; party of three, trio; side glance
GLICK (GLEEK), jest, gibe
GLIDDER, glaze
GLORIOUSLY, of vain glory
GODWIT, bird of the snipe family
GOLD-END-MAN, a buyer of broken gold and silver
GOLL, hand
GONFALIONIER, standard-bearer, chief magistrate, etc.
GOOD, sound in credit
GOOD-Year, good luck
GOOSE-TURD, colour of. (See Turd)
GORCROW, carrion crow
GORGET, neck armour
GOSSIP, godfather
GOWKED, from "gowk," to stand staring and gaping like a fool
GRANNAM, grandam
GRASS, (?) grease, fat
GRATEFUL, agreeable, welcome
GRATIFY, give thanks to
GRATITUDE, gratuity
GRATULATE, welcome, congratulate
GRAVITY, dignity
GRAY, badger
GRICE, cub
GRIEF, grievance
GRIPE, vulture, griffin
GRIPE'S EGG, vessel in shape of
GROAT, fourpence
GROGRAN, coarse stuff made of silk and mohair, or of coarse silk
GROOM-PORTER, officer in the royal household
GROPE, handle, probe
GROUND, pit (hence "grounded judgments")
GUARD, caution, heed
GUARDANT, heraldic term: turning the head only
GUILDER, Dutch coin worth about 4d.
GULES, gullet, throat; heraldic term for red
GULL, simpleton, dupe
GUST, taste
HAB NAB, by, on, chance
HABERGEON, coat of mail
HAGGARD, wild female hawk; hence coy, wild
HALBERD, combination of lance and battle-axe
HALL, "a —!" a cry to clear the room for the dancers
HANDSEL, first money taken
HANGER, loop or strap on a sword-belt from which the sword was
suspended
HAP, fortune, luck
HAPPILY, haply
HAPPINESS, appropriateness, fitness
HAPPY, rich
HARBOUR, track, trace (an animal) to its shelter
HARD-FAVOURED, harsh-featured
HARPOCRATES, Horus the child, son of Osiris, figured with a finger
pointing
to his mouth, indicative of silence
HARRINGTON, a patent was granted to Lord H. for the coinage of
tokens (q.v.)
HARROT, herald
HARRY NICHOLAS, founder of a community called the "Family of Love"
HAY, net for catching rabbits, etc.
HAY! (Ital. hai!), you have it (a fencing term)
HAY IN HIS HORN, ill-tempered person
HAZARD, game at dice; that which is staked
HEAD, "first —," young deer with antlers first sprouting; fig. a
newly-ennobled man
HEADBOROUGH, constable
HEARKEN AFTER, inquire; "hearken out," find, search out
HEARTEN, encourage
HEAVEN AND HELL ("Alchemist"), names of taverns
HECTIC, fever
HEDGE IN, include
HELM, upper part of a retort
HER'NSEW, hernshaw, heron
HIERONIMO (JERONIMO), hero of Kyd's "Spanish Tragedy"
HOBBY, nag
HOBBY-HORSE, imitation horse of some light material, fastened
round the
waist of the morrice-dancer, who imitated the movements of a
skittish horse
HODDY-DODDY, fool
HOIDEN, hoyden, formerly applied to both sexes (ancient term for
leveret?
Gifford)
HOLLAND, name of two famous chemists
HONE AND HONERO, wailing expressions of lament or discontent
HOOD-WIND'D, blindfolded
HORARY, hourly
HORN-MAD, stark mad (quibble)
HORN-THUMB, cut-purses were in the habit of wearing a horn shield
on the thumb
HORSE-BREAD-EATING, horses were often fed on coarse bread
HORSE-COURSES, horse-dealer
HOSPITAL, Christ's Hospital
HOWLEGLAS, Eulenspiegel, the hero of a popular German tale which
related
his buffooneries and knavish tricks
HUFF, hectoring, arrogance
HUFF IT, swagger
HUISHER (Fr. huissier), usher
HUM, beer and spirits mixed together
HUMANITIAN, humanist, scholar
HUMOROUS, capricious, moody, out of humour; moist
HUMOUR, a word used in and out of season in the time of
Shakespeare and Ben
Jonson, and ridiculed by both
HUMOURS, manners
HUMPHREY, DUKE, those who were dinnerless spent the dinner-hour in
a part
of St. Paul's where stood a monument said to be that of the
duke's; hence
"dine with Duke Humphrey," to go hungry
HURTLESS, harmless
IDLE, useless, unprofitable
ILL-AFFECTED, ill-disposed
ILL-HABITED, unhealthy
ILLUSTRATE, illuminate
IMBIBITION, saturation, steeping
IMBROCATA, fencing term: a thrust in tierce
IMPAIR, impairment
IMPART, give money
IMPARTER, any one ready to be cheated and to part with his money
IMPEACH, damage
IMPERTINENCIES, irrelevancies
IMPERTINENT(LY), irrelevant(ly), without reason or purpose
IMPOSITION, duty imposed by
IMPOTENTLY, beyond power of control
IMPRESS, money in advance
IMPULSION, incitement
IN AND IN, a game played by two or three persons with four dice
INCENSE, incite, stir up
INCERATION, act of covering with wax; or reducing a substance to
softness
of wax
INCH, "to their —es," according to their stature, capabilities
INCH-PIN, sweet-bread
INCONVENIENCE, inconsistency, absurdity
INCONY, delicate, rare (used as a term of affection)
INCUBEE, incubus
INCUBUS, evil spirit that oppresses us in sleep, nightmare
INCURIOUS, unfastidious, uncritical
INDENT, enter into engagement
INDIFFERENT, tolerable, passable
INDIGESTED, shapeless, chaotic
INDUCE, introduce
INDUE, supply
INEXORABLE, relentless
INFANTED, born, produced
INFLAME, augment charge
INGENIOUS, used indiscriminantly for ingenuous; intelligent,
talented
INGENUITY, ingenuousness
INGENUOUS, generous
INGINE. See Engin
INGINER, engineer. (See Enginer)
INGLE, OR ENGHLE, bosom friend, intimate, minion
INHABITABLE, uninhabitable
INJURY, insult, affront
IN-MATE, resident, indwelling
INNATE, natural
INNOCENT, simpleton
INQUEST, jury, or other official body of inquiry
INQUISITION, inquiry
INSTANT, immediate
INSTRUMENT, legal document
INSURE, assure
INTEGRATE, complete, perfect
INTELLIGENCE, secret information, news
INTEND, note carefully, attend, give ear to, be occupied with
INTENDMENT, intention
INTENT, intention, wish
INTENTION, concentration of attention or gaze
INTENTIVE, attentive
INTERESSED, implicated
INTRUDE, bring in forcibly or without leave
INVINCIBLY, invisibly
INWARD, intimate
IRPE (uncertain), "a fantastic grimace, or contortion of the body:
(Gifford)
JACE, Jack o' the clock, automaton figure that strikes the hour;
Jack-a-lent, puppet thrown at in Lent
JACK, key of a virginal
JACOB'S STAFF, an instrument for taking altitudes and distances
JADE, befool
JEALOUSY, JEALOUS, suspicion, suspicious
JERKING, lashing
JEW'S TRUMP, Jew's harp
JIG, merry ballad or tune; a fanciful dialogue or light comic act
introduced at the end or during an interlude of a play
JOINED (JOINT)-STOOL, folding stool
JOLL, jowl
JOLTHEAD, blockhead
JUMP, agree, tally
JUST YEAR, no one was capable of the consulship until he was
forty-three
KELL, cocoon
KELLY, an alchemist
KEMB, comb
KEMIA, vessel for distillation
KIBE, chap, sore
KILDERKIN, small barrel
KILL, kiln
KIND, nature; species; "do one's —," act according to one's nature
KIRTLE, woman's gown of jacket and petticoat
KISS OR DRINK AFORE ME, "this is a familiar expression, employed
when what
the speaker is just about to say is anticipated by another"
(Gifford)
KIT, fiddle
KNACK, snap, click
KNIPPER-DOLING, a well-known Anabaptist
KNITTING CUP, marriage cup
KNOCKING, striking, weighty
KNOT, company, band; a sandpiper or robin snipe (Tringa canulus);
flower-bed laid out in fanciful design
KURSINED, KYRSIN, christened
LABOURED, wrought with labour and care
LADE, load(ed)
LADING, load
LAID, plotted
LANCE-KNIGHT (Lanzknecht), a German mercenary foot-soldier
LAP, fold
LAR, household god
LARD, garnish
LARGE, abundant
LARUM, alarum, call to arms
LATTICE, tavern windows were furnished with lattices of various
colours
LAUNDER, to wash gold in aqua regia, so as imperceptibly to
extract some of it.
LAVE, ladle, bale
LAW, "give —," give a start (term of chase)
LAXATIVE, loose
LAY ABOARD, run alongside generally with intent to board
LEAGUER, siege, or camp of besieging army
LEASING, lying
LEAVE, leave off, desist
LEER, leering or "empty, hence, perhaps leer horse without a
rider; leer is
an adjective meaning uncontrolled, hence 'leer drunkards'"
(Halliwell);
according to Nares, a leer (empty) horse meant also a led horse;
leeward,
left
LEESE, lose
LEGS, "make —," do obeisance
LEIGEP, resident representative
LEIGERITY, legerdemain
LEMMA, subject proposed, or title of the epigram
LENTER, slower
LET, hinder
LET, hindrance
LEVEL COIL, a rough game...in which one hunted another from his
seat.
Hence used for any noisy riot (Halliwell)
LEWD, ignorant
LEYSTALLS, receptacles of filth
LIBERAL, ample
LIEGER, ledger, register
LIFT(ING), steal(ing)
LIGHT, alight
LIGHTLY, commonly, usually, often
LIKE, please
LIKELY, agreeable, pleasing
LIME-HOUND, leash-, blood-hound
LIMMER, vile, worthless
LIN, leave off
Line, "by —," by rule
LINSTOCK, staff to stick in the ground, with forked head to hold a
lighted
match for firing cannon
LIQUID, clear
LIST, listen, hard; like, please
LIVERY, legal term, delivery of the possession, etc.
LOGGET, small log, stick
LOOSE, solution; upshot, issue; release of an arrow
LOSE, give over, desist from; waste
LOUTING, bowing, cringing
LUCULENT, bright of beauty
LUDGATHIANS, dealers on Ludgate Hill
LURCH, rob, cheat
LUTE, to close a vessel with some kind of cement
MACK, unmeaning expletive
MADGE_HOWLET or own, barn-owl
MAIM, hurt, injury
MAIN, chief concern (used as a quibble on heraldic term for "hand")
MAINPRISE, becoming surety for a prisoner so as to procure his
release
MAINTENANCE, giving aid, or abetting
MAKE, mate
MAKE, MADE, acquaint with business, prepare(d), instruct(ed)
MALLANDERS, disease of horses
MALT HORSE, dray horse
MAMMET, puppet
MAMMOTHREPT, spoiled child
MANAGE, control (term used for breaking-in horses); handling,
administration
MANGO, slave-dealer
MANGONISE, polish up for sale
MANIPLES, bundles, handfuls
MANKIND, masculine, like a virago
MANEIND, humanity
MAPLE FACE, spotted face (N.E.D.)
MARCH PANE, a confection of almonds, sugar, etc.
MARK, "fly to the —," "generally said of a goshawk when, having
'put in' a
covey of partridges, she takes stand, making the spot where they
disappeared from view until the falconer arrives to put them out
to her"
(Harting, Bibl. Accip. Gloss. 226)
MARLE, marvel
MARROW-BONE MAN, one often on his knees for prayer
MARRY! exclamation derived from the Virgin's name
MARRY GIP, "probably originated from By Mary Gipcy = St. Mary of
Egypt,
(N.E.D.)
MARTAGAN, Turk's cap lily
MARYHINCHCO, stringhalt
MASORETH, Masora, correct form of the scriptural text according to
Hebrew
tradition
Mass, abb. for master
MAUND, beg
MAUTHER, girl, maid
MEAN, moderation
MEASURE, dance, more especially a stately one
MEAT, "carry — in one's mouth," be a source of money or
entertainment
MEATH, metheglin
MECHANICAL, belonging to mechanics, mean, vulgar
MEDITERRANEO, middle aisle of St. Paul's, a general resort for
business and
amusement
MEET WITH, even with
MELICOTTON, a late kind of peach
MENSTRUE, solvent
MERCAT, market
MERD, excrement
MERE, undiluted; absolute, unmitigated
MESS, party of four
METHEGLIN, fermented liquor, of which one ingredient was honey
METOPOSCOPY, study of physiognomy
MIDDLING GOSSIP, go-between
MIGNIARD, dainty, delicate
MILE-END, training-ground of the city
MINE-MEN, sappers
MINION, form of cannon
MINSITIVE, (?) mincing, affected (N.E.D.)
MISCELLANY MADAM, "a female trader in miscellaneous articles; a
dealer in
trinkets or ornaments of various kinds, such as kept shops in the
New
Exchange" (Nares)
MISCELLINE, mixed grain; medley
MISCONCEIT, misconception
MISPRISE, MISPRISION, mistake, misunderstanding
MISTAKE AWAY, carry away as if by mistake
MITHRIDATE, an antidote against poison
MOCCINIGO, small Venetian coin, worth about ninepence
MODERN, in the mode; ordinary, common-place
MOMENT, force or influence of value
MONTANTO, upward stroke
MONTH'S MIND, violent desire
MOORISH, like a moor or waste
MORGLAY, sword of Bevis of Southampton
MORRICe-DANCE, dance on May Day, etc., in which certain personages
were
represented
MORTALITY, death
MORT-MAL, old score, gangrene
MOSCADINO, confection flavoured with musk
MOTHER, Hysterica passio
MOTION, proposal, request; puppet, puppet-show; "one of the small
figures
on the face of a large clock which was moved by the vibration of
the
pendulum" (Whalley)
MOTION, suggest, propose
MOTLEY, parti-coloured dress of a fool; hence used to signify
pertaining
to, or like, a fool
MOTTE, motto
MOURNIVAL, set of four aces or court cards in a hand; a quartette
MOW, setord hay or sheaves of grain
MUCH! expressive of irony and incredulity
MUCKINDER, handkerchief
MULE, "born to ride on —," judges or serjeants-at-law formerly
rode on
mules when going in state to Westminster (Whally)
MULLETS, small pincers
MUM-CHANCE, game of chance, played in silence
MUN, must
MUREY, dark crimson red
MUSCOVY-GLASS, mica
MUSE, wonder
MUSICAL, in harmony
MUSS, mouse; scramble
MYROBOLANE, foreign conserve, "a dried plum, brought from the
Indies"
MYSTERY, art, trade, profession.
NAIL, "to the —" (ad unguem), to perfection, to the very utmost
NATIVE, natural
NEAT, cattle
NEAT, smartly apparelled; unmixed; dainty
NEATLY, neatly finished
NEATNESS, elegance
NEIS, nose, scent
NEUF (NEAF, NEIF), fist
NEUFT, newt
NIAISE, foolish, inexperienced person
NICE, fastidious, trivial, finical, scrupulous
NICENESS, fastidiousness
NICK, exact amount; right moment; "set in the —" meaning uncertain
NICE, suit, fit' hit, seize the right moment, etc., exactly hit
on, hit off
NOBLE, gold coin worth 6s.8d.
NOCENT, harmful
NIL, not will
NOISE, company of musicians
NOMENTACK, an Indian chief from Virginia
NONES, nonce
NOTABLE, egregious
NOTE, sign, token
NOUGHT, "be —," go to the devil, be hanged, etc.
NOWT-HEAD, blockhead
NUMBER, rhythm
NUPSON, oaf, simpleton
OADE, wood
OBARNI, preparation of mead
OBJECT, oppose; expose; interpose
OBLATRANT, barking, railing
OBNOXIOUS, liable, exposed; offensive
OBSERVANCE, homage, devoted service
OBSERVANT, attentive, obsequious
OBSERVE, show deference, respect
OBSERVER, one who shows deference, or waits upon another
OBSTANCY, legal phrase, "juridical opposition"
OBSTREPEROUS, clamorous, vociferous
OBSTUPEFACT, stupefied
ODLING, (?) "must have some relation to tricking and cheating"
(Nares)
OMINOUS, deadly, fatal
ONCE, at once; for good and all; used also for additional emphasis
ONLY, pre-eminent, special
OPEN, make public; expound
OPPILATION, obstruction
OPPONE, oppose
OPPOSITE, antagonist
OFFPRESS, suppress
ORIGINOUS, native
ORT, remnant, scrap
OUT, "to be —." to have forgotten one's part; not at one with
each other
OUTCRY, sale by auction
OUTREGUIDANCE, arrogance, presumption
OUTSPEAK, speak more than
OVERPARTED, given too difficult a part to play
OWLSPIEGEL. See Howleglass
OYEZ! (O YES!), hear ye! call of the public crier when about to
make a
proclamation
PACKING PENNY, "give a —," dismiss, send packing
PAD, highway
PAD-HORSE, road-horse
PAINED (PANED) SLOPS, full breeches made of strips of different
colour and
material
PAINFUL, diligent, painstaking
PAINT, blush
PALINODE, ode of recantation
PALL, weaken, dim, make stale
PALM, triumph
PAN, skirt of dress or coat
PANNEL, pad, or rough kind of saddle
PANNIER-ALLY, inhabited by tripe-sellers
PANNIER-MAN, hawker; a man employed about the inns of court to
bring in
provisions, set the table, etc.
PANTOFLE, indoor shoe, slipper
PARAMENTOS, fine trappings
PARANOMASIE, a play upon words
PARANTORY, (?) peremptory
PARCEL, particle, fragment (used contemptuously); article
PARCEL, part, partly
PARCEL-POET, poetaster
PARERGA, subordinate matters
PARGET, to paint or plaster the face
PARLE, parley
PARLOUS, clever, shrewd
PART, apportion
PARTAKE, participate in
PARTED, endowed, talented
PARTICULAR, individual person
PARTIZAN, kind of halberd
PARTRICH, partridge
PARTS, qualities endowments
PASH, dash, smash
PASS, care, trouble oneself
PASSADO, fending term: a thrust
PASSAGE, game at dice
PASSINGLY, exceedingly
PASSION, effect caused by external agency
PASSION, "in —," in so melancholy a tone, so pathetically
PATOUN, (?) Fr. Paton, pellet of dough; perhaps the "moulding of
the
tobacco...for the pipe" (Gifford); (?) variant of Petun, South
American
name of tobacco
PATRICO, the recorder, priest, orator of strolling beggars or
gipsies
PATTEN, shoe with wooden sole; "go —," keep step with, accompany
PAUCA VERBA, few words
PAVIN, a stately dance
PEACE, "with my master's —," by leave, favour
PECULIAR, individual, single
PEDANT, teacher of the languages
PEEL, baker's shovel
PEEP, speak in a small or shrill voice
PEEVISH(LY), foolish(ly), capricious(ly); childish(ly)
PELICAN, a retort fitted with tube or tubes, for continuous
distillation
PENCIL, small tuft of hair
PERDUE, soldier accustomed to hazardous service
PEREMPTORY, resolute, bold; imperious; thorough, utter,
absolute(ly)
PERIMETER, circumference of a figure
PERIOD, limit, end
PERK, perk up
PERPETUANA, "this seems to be that glossy kind of stuff now called
everlasting, and anciently worn by serjeants and other city
officers"
(Gifford)
PERSPICIL, optic glass
PERSTRINGE, criticise, censure
PERSUADE, inculcate, commend
PERSWAY, mitigate
PERTINACY, pertinacity
PESTLING, pounding, pulverising, like a pestle
PETASUS, broad-brimmed hat or winged cap worn by Mercury
PETITIONARY, supplicatory
PETRONEL, a kind of carbine or light gas carried by horsemen
PETULANT, pert, insolent
PHERE. See Fere
PHLEGMA, watery distilled liquor (old chem. "water")
PHRENETIC, madman
PICARDIL, still upright collar fastened on to the coat (Whalley)
PICT-HATCH, disreputable quarter of London
PIECE, person, used for woman or girl; a gold coin worth in
Jonson's time
20s. or 22s.
PIECES OF EIGHT, Spanish coin: piastre equal to eight reals
PIED, variegated
PIE-POUDRES (Fr. pied-poudreux, dusty-foot), court held at fairs to
administer justice to itinerant vendors and buyers
PILCHER, term of contempt; one who wore a buff or leather jerkin,
as did
the serjeants of the counter; a pilferer
PILED, pilled, peeled, bald
PILL'D, polled, fleeced
PIMLICO, "sometimes spoken of as a person — perhaps master of a
house
famous for a particular ale" (Gifford)
PINE, afflict, distress
PINK, stab with a weapon; pierce or cut in scallops for ornament
PINNACE, a go-between in infamous sense
PISMIRE, ant
PISTOLET, gold coin, worth about 6s.
PITCH, height of a bird of prey's flight
PLAGUE, punishment, torment
PLAIN, lament
PLAIN SONG, simple melody
PLAISE, plaice
PLANET, "struck with a —," planets were supposed to have powers of
blasting or exercising secret influences
PLAUSIBLE, pleasing
PLAUSIBLY, approvingly
PLOT, plan
PLY, apply oneself to
POESIE, posy, motto inside a ring
POINT IN HIS DEVICE, exact in every particular
POINTE, tabbed laces or cords for fastening the breeches to the
doublet
POINT-TRUSSER, one who trussed (tied) his master's points (q.v.)
POISE, weigh, balance
POKING-STICK, stick used for setting the plaits of ruffs
POLITIC, politician
POLITIC, judicious, prudent, political
POLITICIAN, plotter, intriguer
POLL, strip, plunder, gain by extortion
POMMANDER, ball of perfume, worn or hung about the person to
prevent
infection, or for foppery
POMMADO, vaulting on a horse without the aid of stirrups
PONTIC, sour
POPULAR, vulgar, of the populace
POPULOUS, numerous
PORT, gate; print of a deer's foot
PORT, transport
PORTAGUE, Portuguese gold coin, worth over £3 or f4
PORTCULLIS, "— of coin," some old coins have a portcullis stamped
on their
reverse (Whalley)
PORTENT, marvel, prodigy; sinister omen
PORTENTOUS, prophesying evil, threatening
PORTER, references appear "to allude to Parsons, the king's
porter, who
was... near seven feet high" (Whalley)
POSSESS, inform, acquaint
POST AND PAIR, a game at cards
POSY, motto. (See Poesie)
POTCH, poach
POULT-FOOT, club-foot
POUNCE, claw, talon
PRACTICE, intrigue, concerted plot
PRACTISE, plot, conspire
PRAGMATIC, an expert, agent
PRAGMATIC, officious, conceited, meddling
PRECEDENT, record of proceedings
PRECEPT, warrant, summons
PRECISIAN(ISM), Puritan(ism), preciseness
PREFER, recomment
PRESENCE, presence chamber
PRESENT(LY), immediate(ly), without delay; at the present time;
actually
PRESS, force into service
PREST, ready
PRETEND, assert, allege
PREVENT, anticipate
PRICE, worth, excellence
PRICK, point, dot used in the writing of Hebrew and other languages
PRICK, prick out, mark off, select; trace, track; "— away," make
off with
speed
PRIMERO, game of cards
PRINCOX, pert boy
PRINT, "in —," to the letter, exactly
PRISTINATE, former
PRIVATE, private interests
PRIVATE, privy, intimate
PROCLIVE, prone to
PRODIGIOUS, monstrous, unnatural
PRODIGY, monster
PRODUCED, prolonged
PROFESS, pretend
PROJECTION, the throwing of the "powder of projection" into the
crucible to
turn the melted metal into gold or silver
PROLATE, pronounce drawlingly
PROPER, of good appearance, handsome; own, particular
PROPERTIES, state necessaries
PROPERTY, duty; tool
PRORUMPED, burst out
PROTEST, vow, proclaim (an affected word of that time); formally
declare
non-payment, etc., of bill of exchange; fig. failure of personal
credit,
etc.
PROVANT, soldier's allowance — hence, of common make
PROVIDE, foresee
PROVIDENCE, foresight, prudence
PUBLICATION, making a thing public of common property (N.E.D.)
PUCKFIST, puff-ball; insipid, insignificant, boasting fellow
PUFF-WING, shoulder puff
PUISNE, judge of inferior rank, a junior
PULCHRITUDE, beauty
PUMP, shoe
PUNGENT, piercing
PUNTO, point, hit
PURCEPT, precept, warrant
PURE, fine, capital, excellent
PURELY, perfectly, utterly
PURL, pleat or fold of a ruff
PURSE-NET, net of which the mouth is drawn together with a string
PURSUIVANT, state messenger who summoned the persecuted
seminaries; warrant
officer
PURSY, PURSINESS, shortwinded(ness)
PUT, make a push, exert yourself (N.E.D.)
PUT OFF, excuse, shift
PUT ON, incite, encourage; proceed with, take in hand, try
QUACKSALVER, quack
QUAINT, elegant, elaborated, ingenious, clever
QUAR, quarry
QUARRIED, seized, or fed upon, as prey
QUEAN, hussy, jade
QUEASY, hazardous, delicate
QUELL, kill, destroy
QUEST, request; inquiry
QUESTION, decision by force of arms
QUESTMAN, one appointed to make official inquiry
QUIB, QUIBLIN, quibble, quip
QUICK, the living
QUIDDIT, quiddity, legal subtlety
QUIRK, clever turn or trick
QUIT, requite, repay; acquit, absolve; rid; forsake, leave
QUITTER-BONE, disease of horses
QUODLING, codling
QUOIT, throw like a quoit, chuck
QUOTE, take note, observe, write down
RACK, neck of mutton or pork (Halliwell)
RAKE UP, cover over
RAMP, rear, as a lion, etc.
RAPT, carry away
RAPT, enraptured
RASCAL, young or inferior deer
RASH, strike with a glancing oblique blow, as a boar with its tusk
RATSEY, GOMALIEL, a famous highwayman
RAVEN, devour
REACH, understand
REAL, regal
REBATU, ruff, turned-down collar
RECTOR, RECTRESS, director, governor
REDARGUE, confute
REDUCE, bring back
REED, rede, counsel, advice
REEL, run riot
REFEL, refute
REFORMADOES, disgraced or disbanded soldiers
REGIMENT, government
REGRESSION, return
REGULAR ("Tale of a Tub"), regular noun (quibble) (N.E.D.)
RELIGION, "make — of," make a point of, scruple of
RELISH, savour
REMNANT, scrap of quotation
REMORA, species of fish
RENDER, depict, exhibit, show
REPAIR, reinstate
REPETITION, recital, narration
REREMOUSE, bat
RESIANT, resident
RESIDENCE, sediment
RESOLUTION, judgment, decision
RESOLVE, inform; assure; prepare, make up one's mind; dissolve;
come to a
decision, be convinced; relax, set at ease
RESPECTIVE, worthy of respect; regardful, discriminative
RESPECTIVELY, with reverence
RESPECTLESS, regardless
RESPIRE, exhale; inhale
RESPONSIBLE, correspondent
REST, musket-rest
REST, "set up one's —," venture one's all, one's last stake (from
game of
primero)
REST, arrest
RESTIVE, RESTY, dull, inactive
RETCHLESS(NESS), reckless(ness)
RETIRE, cause to retire
RETRICATO, fencing term
RETRIEVE, rediscovery of game once sprung
RETURNS, ventures sent abroad, for the safe return of which so
much money
is received
REVERBERATE, dissolve or blend by reflected heat
REVERSE, REVERSO, back-handed thrust, etc., in fencing
REVISE, reconsider a sentence
RHEUM, spleen, caprice
RIBIBE, abusive term for an old woman
RID, destroy, do away with
RIFLING, raffling, dicing
RING, "cracked within the —," coins so cracked were unfit for
currency
RISSE, risen, rose
RIVELLED, wrinkled
ROARER, swaggerer
ROCHET, fish of the gurnet kind
ROCK, distaff
RODOMONTADO, braggadocio
ROGUE, vagrant, vagabond
RONDEL, "a round mark in the score of a public-house" (Nares);
roundel
ROOK, sharper; fool, dupe
ROSAKER, similar to ratsbane
ROSA-SOLIS, a spiced spirituous liquor
ROSES, rosettes
ROUND, "gentlemen of the —," officers of inferior rank
ROUND TRUNKS, trunk hose, short loose breeches reaching almost or
quite to
the knees
ROUSE, carouse, bumper
ROVER, arrow used for shooting at a random mark at uncertain
distance
ROWLY-POWLY, roly-poly
RUDE, RUDENESS, unpolished, rough(ness), coarse(ness)
RUFFLE, flaunt, swagger
RUG, coarse frieze
RUG-GOWNS, gown made of rug
RUSH, reference to rushes with which the floors were then strewn
RUSHER, one who strewed the floor with rushes
RUSSET, homespun cloth of neutral or reddish-brown colour
SACK, loose, flowing gown
SADLY, seriously, with gravity
SAD(NESS), sober, serious(ness)
SAFFI, bailiffs
ST. THOMAS A WATERINGS, place in Surrey where criminals were
executed
SAKER, small piece of ordnance
SALT, leap
SALT, lascivious
SAMPSUCHINE, sweet marjoram
SARABAND, a slow dance
SATURNALS, began December 17
SAUCINESS, presumption, insolence
SAUCY, bold, impudent, wanton
SAUNA (Lat.), a gesture of contempt
SAVOUR, perceive; gratify, please; to partake of the nature
SAY, sample
SAY, assay, try
SCALD, word of contempt, implying dirt and disease
SCALLION, shalot, small onion
SCANDERBAG, "name which the Turks (in allusion to Alexander the
Great) gave
to the brave Castriot, chief of Albania, with whom they had
continual wars.
His romantic life had just been translated" (Gifford)
SCAPE, escape
SCARAB, beetle
SCARTOCCIO, fold of paper, cover, cartouch, cartridge
SCONCE, head
SCOPE, aim
SCOT AND LOT, tax, contribution (formerly a parish assessment)
SCOTOMY, dizziness in the head
SCOUR, purge
SCOURSE, deal, swap
SCRATCHES, disease of horses
SCROYLE, mean, rascally fellow
SCRUPLE, doubt
SEAL, put hand to the giving up of property or rights
SEALED, stamped as genuine
SEAM-RENT, ragged
SEAMING LACES, insertion or edging
SEAR UP, close by searing, burning
SEARCED, sifted
SECRETARY, able to keep a secret
SECULAR, worldly, ordinary, commonplace
SECURE, confident
SEELIE, happy, blest
SEISIN, legal term: possession
SELLARY, lewd person
SEMBLABLY, similarly
SEMINARY, a Romish priest educated in a foreign seminary
SENSELESS, insensible, without sense or feeling
SENSIBLY, perceptibly
SENSIVE, sensitive
SENSUAL, pertaining to the physical or material
SERENE, harmful dew of evening
SERICON, red tincture
SERVANT, lover
SERVICES, doughty deeds of arms
SESTERCE, Roman copper coin
SET, stake, wager
SET UP, drill
SETS, deep plaits of the ruff
SEWER, officer who served up the feast, and brought water for the
hands of
the guests
SHAPE, a suit by way of disguise
SHIFT, fraud, dodge
SHIFTER, cheat
SHITTLE, shuttle; "shittle-cock," shuttlecock
SHOT, tavern reckoning
SHOT-CLOG, one only tolerated because he paid the shot (reckoning)
for the rest
SHOT-FREE, scot-free, not having to pay
SHOVE-GROAT, low kind of gambling amusement, perhaps somewhat of
the nature
of pitch and toss
SHOT-SHARKS, drawers
SHREWD, mischievous, malicious, curst
SHREWDLY, keenly, in a high degree
SHRIVE, sheriff; posts were set up before his door for
proclamations, or to
indicate his residence
SHROVING, Shrovetide, season of merriment
SIGILLA, seal, mark
SILENCED BRETHERN, MINISTERS, those of the Church or
Nonconformists who had
been silenced, deprived, etc.
SILLY, simple, harmless
SIMPLE, silly, witless; plain, true
SIMPLES, herbs
SINGLE, term of chase, signifying when the hunted stag is
separated from
the herd, or forced to break covert
SINGLE, weak, silly
SINGLE-MONEY, small change
SINGULAR, unique, supreme
SI-QUIS, bill, advertisement
SKELDRING, getting money under false pretences; swindlilng
SKILL, "it — a not," matters not
SEINK(ER), pour, draw(er), tapster
SKIRT, tail
SLEEK, smooth
SLICE, fire shovel or pan (dial.)
SLICK, sleek, smooth
'SLID, 'SLIGHT, 'SPRECIOUS, irreverent oaths
SLIGHT, sleight, cunning, cleverness; trick
SLIP, counterfeit coin, bastard
SLIPPERY, polished and shining
SLOPS, large loose breeches
SLOT, print of a stag's foot
SLUR, put a slur on; chear (by sliding a die in some way)
SMELT, gull, simpleton
SNORLE, "perhaps snarl as Puppy is addressed" (Cunningham)
SNOTTERIE, filth
SNUFF, anger, resentment; "take in —," take offence at
SNUFFERS, small open silver dishes for holding snuff, or
receptacle for
placing snuffers in (Halliwell)
SOCK, shoe worn by comic actors
SOD, seethe
SOGGY, soaked, sodden
SOIL, "take —," said of a hunted stag when he takes to the water
for safety
SOL, sou
SOLDADOES, soldiers
SOLICIT, rouse, excite to action
SOOTH, flattery, cajolery
SOOTHE, flatter, humour
SOPHISTICATE, adulterate
SORT, company, party; rank, degree
SORT, suit, fit; select
SOUSE, ear
SOUSED ("Devil is an Ass"), fol. read "sou't," which Dyce
interprets as "a
variety of the spelling of 'shu'd': to shu is to scare a bird
away." (See
his Webster, p. 350)
SOWTER, cobbler
SPAGYRICA, chemistry according to the teachings of Paracelsus
SPAR, bar
SPEAK, make known, proclaim
SPECULATION, power of sight
SPED, to have fared well, prospered
SPEECE, species
SPIGHT, anger, rancour
SPINNER, spider
SPINSTRY, lewd person
SPITTLE, hospital, lazar-house
SPLEEN, considered the seat of the emotions
SPLEEN, caprice, humour, mood
SPRUNT, spruce
SPURGE, foam
SPUR-RYAL, gold coin worth 15s.
SQUIRE, square, measure; "by the —," exactly.
STAGGERING, wavering, hesitating
STAIN, disparagement, disgrace
STALE, decoy, or cover, stalking-horse
STALE, make cheap, common
STALE, approach stealthily or under cover
STALL, forestall
STANDARD, suit
STAPLE, market emporium
STARK, downright
STARTING-HOLES, loopholes of escape
STATE, dignity; canopied chair of state; estate
STATUMINATE, support vines by poles or stakes; used by Pliny
(Gifford)
STAY, gag
STAY, await; detain
STICKLER, second or umpire
STIGMATISE, mark, brand
STILL, continual(ly), constant(ly)
STINKARD, stinking fellow
STINT, stop
STIPTIC, astringent
STOCCATA, thrust in fencing
STOCK-FISH, salted and dried fish
STOMACH, pride, valour
STOMACH, resent
STOOP, swoop down as a hawk
STOP, fill, stuff
STOPPLE, stopper
STOTE, stoat, weasel
STOUP, stoop, swoop=bow
STRAIGHT, straightway
STRAMAZOUN (Ital. stramazzone), a down blow, as opposed to the
thrust
STRANGE, like a stranger, unfamiliar
STRANGENESS, distance of behaviour
STREIGHTS, OR BERMUDAS, labyrinth of alleys and courts in the
Strand
STRIGONIUM, Grau in Hungary, taken from the Turks in 1597
STRIKE, balance (accounts)
STRINGHALT, disease of horses
STROKER, smoother, flatterer
STROOK, p.p. of "strike"
STRUMMEL-PATCHED, strummed is glossed in dialect dicts. as "a
long, loose
and dishevelled head of hair"
STUDIES, studious efforts
STYLE, title; pointed instrument used for writing on wax tablets
SUBTLE, fine, delicate, thin; smooth, soft
SUBTLETY (SUBTILITY), subtle device
SUBURB, connected with loose living
SUCCUBAE, demons in form of women
SUCK, extract money from
SUFFERANCE, suffering
SUMMED, term of falconry: with full-grown plumage
SUPER-NEGULUM, topers turned the cup bottom up when it was empty
SUPERSTITIOUS, over-scrupulous
SUPPLE, to make pliant
SURBATE, make sore with walking
SURCEASE, cease
SUR-REVERENCE, save your reverence
SURVISE, peruse
SUSCITABILITY, excitability
SUSPECT, suspicion
SUSPEND, suspect
SUSPENDED, held over for the present
SUTLER, victualler
SWAD, clown, boor
SWATH BANDS, swaddling clothes
SWINGE, beat
TABERD, emblazoned mantle or tunic worn by knights and heralds
TABLE(S), "pair of —," tablets, note-book
TABOR, small drum
TABRET, tabor
TAFFETA, silk; "tuft-taffeta," a more costly silken fabric
TAINT, "— a staff," break a lance at tilting in an unscientific or
dishonourable manner
TAKE IN, capture, subdue
TAKE ME WITH YOU, let me understand you
TAKE UP, obtain on credit, borrow
TALENT, sum or weight of Greek currency
TALL, stout, brave
TANKARD-BEARERS, men employed to fetch water from the conduits
TARLETON, celebrated comedian and jester
TARTAROUS, like a Tartar
TAVERN-TOKEN, "to swallow a —," get drunk
TELL, count
TELL-TROTH, truth-teller
TEMPER, modify, soften
TENDER, show regard, care for cherish; manifest
TENT, "take —," take heed
TERSE, swept and polished
TERTIA, "that portion of an army levied out of one particular
district or
division of a country" (Gifford)
TESTON, tester, coin worth 6d.
THIRDBOROUGH, constable
THREAD, quality
THREAVES, droves
THREE-FARTHINGS, piece of silver current under Elizabeth
THREE-PILED, of finest quality, exaggerated
THRIFTILY, carefully
THRUMS, ends of the weaver's warp; coarse yarn made from
THUMB-RING, familiar spirits were supposed capable of being
carried about
in various ornaments or parts of dress
TIBICINE, player on the tibia, or pipe
TICK-TACK, game similar to backgammon
TIGHTLY, promptly
TIM, (?) expressive of a climax of nonentity
TIMELESS, untimely, unseasonable
TINCTURE, an essential or spiritual principle supposed by
alchemists to be
transfusible into material things; an imparted characteristic or
tendency
TINK, tinkle
TIPPET, "turn —," change behaviour or way of life
TIPSTAFF, staff tipped with metal
TIRE, head-dress
TIRE, feed ravenously, like a bird of prey
TITILLATION, that which tickles the senses, as a perfume
TOD, fox
TOILED, worn out, harassed
TOKEN, piece of base metal used in place of very small coin, when
this was
scarce
TONNELS, nostrils
TOP, "parish —," large top kept in villages for amusement and
exercise in
frosty weather when people were out of work
TOTER, tooter, player on a wind instrument
TOUSE, pull, read
TOWARD, docile, apt; on the way to; as regards; present, at hand
TOY, whim; trick; term of contempt
TRACT, attraction
TRAIN, allure, entice
TRANSITORY, transmittable
TRANSLATE, transform
TRAY-TRIP, game at dice (success depended on throwing a three)
(Nares)
TREACHOUR (TRECHER), traitor
TREEN, wooden
TRENCHER, serving-man who carved or served food
TRENDLE-TAIL, trundle-tail, curly-tailed
TRICK (TRICKING), term of heraldry: to draw outline of coat of
arms, etc.,
without blazoning
TRIG, a spruce, dandified man
TRILL, trickle
TRILLIBUB, tripe, any worthless, trifling thing
TRIPOLY, "come from —," able to perform feats of agility, a "jest
nominal," depending on the first part of the word (Gifford)
TRITE, worn, shabby
TRIVIA, three-faced goddess (Hecate)
TROJAN, familiar term for an equal or inferior; thief
TROLL, sing loudly
TROMP, trump, deceive
TROPE, figure of speech
TROW, think, believe, wonder
TROWLE, troll
TROWSES, breeches, drawers
TRUCHMAN, interpreter
TRUNDLE, JOHN, well-known printer
TRUNDLE, roll, go rolling along
TRUNDLING CHEATS, term among gipsies and beggars for carts or
coaches (Gifford)
TRUNK, speaking-tube
TRUSS, tie the tagged laces that fastened the breeches to the
doublet
TUBICINE, trumpeter
TUCKET (Ital. toccato), introductory flourish on the trumpet
TUITION, guardianship
TUMBLE, a particular kind of dog so called from the mode of his
hunting
TUMBREL-SLOP, loose, baggy breeches
TURD, excrement
TUSK, gnash the teeth (Century Dict.)
TWIRE, peep, twinkle
TWOPENNY ROOM, gallery
TYRING-HOUSE, attiring-room
ULENSPIEGEL. See Howleglass
UMBRATILE, like or pertaining to a shadow
UMBRE, brown dye
UNBATED, unabated
UNBORED, (?) excessively bored
UNCARNATE, not fleshly, or of flesh
UNCOUTH, strange, unusual
UNDERTAKER, "one who undertook by his influence in the House of
Commons to
carry things agreeably to his Majesty's wishes" (Whalley); one who
becomes
surety for
UNEQUAL, unjust
UNEXCEPTED, no objection taken at
UNFEARED, unaffrighted
UNHAPPILY, unfortunately
UNICORN'S HORN, supposed antidote to poison
UNKIND(LY), unnatural(ly)
UNMANNED, untamed (term in falconry)
UNQUIT, undischarged
UNREADY, undressed
UNRUDE, rude to an extreme
UNSEASONED, unseasonable, unripe
UNSEELED, a hawk's eyes were "seeled" by sewing the eyelids
together with
fine thread
UNTIMELY, unseasonably
UNVALUABLE, invaluable
UPBRAID, make a matter of reproach
UPSEE, heavy kind of Dutch beer (Halliwell); "— Dutch," in the
Dutch fashion
UPTAILS ALL, refrain of a popular song
URGE, allege as accomplice, instigator
URSHIN, URCHIN, hedgehog
USE, interest on money; part of sermon dealing with the practical
application of doctrine
USE, be in the habit of, accustomed to; put out to interest
USQUEBAUGH, whisky
USURE, usury
UTTER, put in circulation, make to pass current; put forth for sale
VAIL, bow, do homage
VAILS, tips, gratuities
VALL. See Vail
VALLIES (Fr. valise), portmanteau, bag
VAPOUR(S) (n. and v.), used affectedly, like "humour," in many
senses,
often very vaguely and freely ridiculed by Jonson; humour,
disposition,
whims, brag(ging), hector(ing), etc.
VARLET, bailiff, or serjeant-at-mace
VAUT, vault
VEER (naut.), pay out
VEGETAL, vegetable; person full of life and vigour
VELLUTE, velvet
VELVET CUSTARD. Cf. "Taming of the Shrew," iv. 3, 82, "custard
coffin,"
coffin being the raised crust over a pie
VENT, vend, sell; give outlet to; scent snuff up
VENUE, bout (fencing term)
VERDUGO (Span.), hangman, executioner
VERGE, "in the —," within a certain distance of the court
VEX, agitate, torment
VICE, the buffoon of old moralities; some kind of machinery for
moving a
puppet (Gifford)
VIE AND REVIE, to hazard a certain sum, and to cover it with a
larger one.
VINCENT AGAINST YORK, two heralds-at-arms
VINDICATE, avenge
VIRGE, wand, rod
VIRGINAL, old form of piano
VIRTUE, valour
VIVELY, in lifelike manner, livelily
VIZARD, mask
VOGUE, rumour, gossip
VOICE, vote
VOID, leave, quit
VOLARY, cage, aviary
VOLLEY, "at —," "o' the volee," at random (from a term of tennis)
VORLOFFE, furlough
WADLOE, keeper of the Devil Tavern, where Jonson and his friends
met in the
'Apollo' room (Whalley)
WAIGHTS, waits, night musicians, "band of musical watchmen"
(Webster), or
old form of "hautboys"
WANNION, "vengeance," "plague" (Nares)
WARD, a famous pirate
WARD, guard in fencing
WATCHET, pale, sky blue
WEAL, welfare
WEED, garment
WEFT, waif
WEIGHTS, "to the gold —," to every minute particular
WELKIN, sky
WELL-SPOKEN, of fair speech
WELL-TORNED, turned and polished, as on a wheel
WELT, hem, border of fur
WHER, whether
WHETSTONE, GEORGE, an author who lived 1544(?) to 1587(?)
WHIFF, a smoke, or drink; "taking the —," inhaling the tobacco
smoke or
some such accomplishment
WHIGH-HIES, neighings, whinnyings
WHIMSY, whim, "humour"
WHINILING, (?) whining, weakly
WHIT, (?) a mere jot
WHITEMEAT, food made of milk or eggs
WICKED, bad, clumsy
WICKER, pliant, agile
WILDING, esp. fruit of wild apple or crab tree (Webster)
WINE, "I have the — for you," Prov.: I have the perquisites (of
the
office) which you are to share (Cunningham)
WINNY, "same as old word 'wonne', to stay, etc." (Whalley)
WISE-WOMAN, fortune-teller
WISH, recommend
WISS (WUSSE), "I —," certainly, of a truth
WITHHOUT, beyond
WITTY, cunning, ingenious, clever
WOOD, collection, lot
WOODCOCK, term of contempt
WOOLSACK ("— pies"), name of tavern
WORT, unfermented beer
WOUNDY, great, extreme
WREAK, revenge
WROUGHT, wrought upon
WUSSE, interjection. (See Wiss)
YEANLING, lamb, kid
ZANY, an inferior clown, who attended upon the chief fool and
mimicked his
tricks