The History Of Gog And Magog, The Champions of London

John Galt

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  • CHAPTER I. SOME ACCOUNT OF THE DOMINIONS AND CHARACTER OF HUMBUG THE GIANT.
  • CHAP. II. HOW HUMBUG THE GIANT FELL IN LOVE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS LONDONA.
  • CHAP. III. HOW GOG AND MAGOG RESOLVED TO AVENGE THE WRONGS OF THE PRINCESS LONDONA.
  • CHAP. IV. HOW GOG AND MAGOG WERE REPULSED BY THE GIANT HUMBUG, AND WHAT ENSUED.
  • CHAP. V. HOW GOG AND MAGOG PROCEEDED TO ATTACK THE CASTLE.
  • CHAP. VI. HOW GOG AND MAGOG MAGNANIMOUSLY DEVOTED THEIR LIVES AND PROPERTY FOR THE DELIVERANCE OF LONDONA.
  • CHAP. VII. HOW GOG AND MAGOG WERE EXCHANGED FOR THE PRINCESS LONDONA.
  • CHAP. VIII. HOW THE GIANT USED GOG AND MAGOG.
  • CHAP. IX. HOW THE PRINCESS LONDONA ADVANCED TO STORM THE CASTLE OF HUMBUG, AND HOW THE GIANT WAS SLAIN.
  • CHAP. X. HOW LONDONA REWARDED GOG AND MAGOG FOR THEIR NOBLE SELF DEVOTION IN HER CAUSE.
  • CHAP. XI. HOW THE PRINCESS RESOLVED TO BUILD A CITY, AND CALLED IT LONDON, AFTER HERSELF.
  • CHAP. XII. HOW THE COMMON COUNCIL RESOLVED TO ADDRESS THE PRINCESS, AND IN WHAT MANNER THE COURT OF ALDERMEN ORIGINATED.
  • CHAP. XIII. HOW THE PRINCESS LANDONA RECEIVED THE ALDERMEN, AND BESTOWED THE TITLE OF "MY LORD MAYOR;" WITH SOME CURIOUS FACTS RESPECTING THE ORIGIN OF NEWSPAPERS AND CLUB- ROOMS.
  • CHAP. XIV. HOW THE PRINCESS WAS SOUGHT IN MARRIAGE BY SEVERAL GREAT CHARACTERS; AND, HAVING, PREFERRED TOOLY, PRINCE OF SOUTHWARK, ABOVE ALL OTHERS, HOW LONDON- BRIDGE WAS BUILT TO FACILITATE THEIR UNION.
  • CHAP. XVI. HOW THE SON AND HEIR OF THE PRINCESS LONDONA WAS CALLED COCKNEY, AND WHY GOG AND MAGOG WERE NOT SPONSERS WHEN HE RECEIVED HIS NAME.
  • CHAP. XVII. HOW GOG AND MAGOG GREW OLD, AND DIED; AND HOW THEIR STATUES WERE PLACED IN GUILD-HALL.

  • CHAPTER I. SOME ACCOUNT OF THE DOMINIONS AND CHARACTER OF HUMBUG THE GIANT.


    MANY disputes have arisen among the
    learned respecting the origin of the city of
    London; and it has hitherto never been very
    satisfactorily explained, why the two
    colossal statues of Gog and Magog were
    placed in the Guild-hall of that famous
    capital. What has been denied to
    antiquarian research, has been happily
    revealed to me, for the express purpose of
    being related to the rising generation; in order that future ages may have no doubt
    regarding two points of knowledge, in which
    so much of the happiness and prosperity of the
    citizens of the British metropolis is so deeply
    involved.
    In a rude age, long before the Roman
    legions, under the command of Julius Caesar,
    invaded the island of Britain, it appears, by the
    most authentic written chronicles of the time,
    that a huge giant inhabited a strong and dismal
    castle, situated where the Guild-hall of London
    now stands ; and that he ruled all the adjacent
    country with an iron sceptre. His dominions
    extended from the banks of the pleasant Brent
    on the west, were bounded by the majestic
    tides of the Thames on the south, on the east
    they were watered by the meandering Lea, and
    extended so far to the north, as to comprehend
    the breezy hills of Hampstead and Highgate.
    He was, in a word, the greatest monarch in
    the county of Middlesex; and, there is even
    reason to believe, that his territories actually
    embraced the whole extent of the shire. But,
    in a matter of this sort, it is unnecessary to
    be more particular, especially as his throne
    and sovereignty were utterly abolished by
    the events which it is my happy duty, as a
    faithful historian, to relate.
    At the period alluded to, no part of the
    island of Britain might have presented such
    a scene of rural and pastoral beauty, as the
    dominions of the giant. The soil was
    surprisingly fertile, particularly in those
    parts which are now occupied by the
    numerous buildings of the city; indeed, the
    very name of Cornhill, which exists to this day,
    indicates the amazing fertility of the spot: so
    that, but for the tyrant of the neighbouring
    castle, it would, in all human probability,
    have been an earthly paradise. Alas! his
    ruthless sway rendered it a solitude,
    compared to what it now is.
    The name of this monstrous giant was
    Humbug, and his dispositions were not more
    merciless than his appearance was dreadful to
    behold. His hair and beard were of a coal-
    black colour; his eyes sparkled with
    malignant ferocity towards the whole race of
    mankind ; and his complexion was of that
    pallid hue, which denotes hardness of heart.
    He set no bounds to his inordinate desires,
    but seized everything that he coveted, in the
    most lawless manner ; and the malice of his
    vengeance was chiefly directed against the defenceless,
    which is always the case with persons of evil
    inclinations : and giants are remarkably liable
    to have inclinations of the worst kind.
    In this manner Humbug had lived, or, more
    property speaking, had domineered, to the
    great terror and dismay of the country, for
    upwards of fifty years. That he was, in
    consequence, cordially hated, need not be
    told ; but he had the folly to think he was
    capable of inspiring a beautiful young lady
    with sentiments of the tender passion : so
    much does self-love blind even giants to their
    defects, as well as the sons of men. For
    Humbug was at this time old and corpulent ;
    and the natural badness of his temper was
    aggravated by the gout, a disease which he had brought upon himself by the liberties which
    he took with fish, flesh, and fowl.





    CHAP. II. HOW HUMBUG THE GIANT FELL IN LOVE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS LONDONA.



    ONE fine summer's day, as Humbug
    was taking a stroll by himself, meditating on
    the benevolence of Nature, in raising so
    many nutricious herbs, to give beef, mutton,
    and venison their savoury juices, he
    happened to spy the charming Londona,
    walking alone on the margin of a purling
    brook, now known by the name of Fleet-
    ditch, and highly celebrated as such by
    Pope, that great poet ; but which was then a
    crystal rivulet, overshadowed with elder-trees and
    Willows.
    Greatly astonished at the splendor of her
    beauty, he thought proper to fall desperately
    in love with her ; not aware that she could
    never return his passion ; for she was the
    daughter of a king, whom he had himself
    dethroned and murdered, many years before
    ; and whose crown and dignity he had
    usurped in the most shameful manner.
    When he beheld Londona he did not know
    her name ; nor, indeed, was he acquainted
    that the daughter of his victim existed ; for,
    from the death of her royal father, that
    unfortunate princess had remained
    concealed in the cottage of an old woman
    called Mary Lebon, who lived at the bottom
    of the verdant rising ground, so well known to the metropolitan youth of both sexes by
    the name of Primrose-hill. It has been
    conjectured that the cottage of old Mary
    Lebon stood on the very spot where Chalk-
    farm public-house is now situated, --so
    renowned as the scene of duels, and other
    feats of heroism and gallantry.
    Having looked at the princess some time,
    and seeing her greatly agitated at the sight of
    him, which he supposed was owing to the
    soft impression his appearance made on her
    heart, he went towards her ; and, falling on
    his knees at her feet, declared his love with
    all the rhetoric of which he was
    master. Placing his hand on his breast, he
    assured her, with the sincerity of a giant, that
    the radiance of her eyes quite melted his
    heart ; and that, if she did not consent to
    become his bride, he would expire in agonies on the
    spot, and leave the recollection of his death
    as a ghost to upbraid her conscience.
    Londona, however, knew his character too
    well, to entertain the slightest sympathy for
    any such love as his ; and moreover,
    reflecting that he was the murderer of her
    father, she rejected his fond entreaties with
    the most dignified contempt.
    Her scorn, however, only served to
    inflame his passion ; and he became at last
    so rude and importunate, that she saw no
    other way of escaping the menaces of his
    affection, than by taking to her heels, and
    running off as fast as she could.
    Being nimbler than the giant, she would
    have certainly escaped ; but, unfortunately,
    in running up Holborn-hill, --which was
    then a smooth and verdant declivity, enamelled with daisies, --
    her foot slipped, and she tumbled down.
    Before she could recover herself, the giant
    came up; and, seizing her by the hair, carried
    her to his gloomy abode, and threw her into
    a dark dungeon, in the hope of thereby
    gaining her affections.


    CHAP. III. HOW GOG AND MAGOG RESOLVED TO AVENGE THE WRONGS OF THE PRINCESS LONDONA.



    AT the time that Humbug the giant
    committed this violent outrage on the
    Princess Londona, a miller, who lived on
    the identical spot where Westminster-hall now
    stands, had two sons, twins, called Gog and
    Magog. These young men were much
    renowned among persons of their own
    condition in life, for strength of body, and
    the generosity of their dispositions. They
    excelled all their companions in feats of
    vigour and manly dexterity : in short, there
    was not one in the whole district, subject to
    the tyrannical giant, who could compare
    with Gog and Magog, either in masculine stature, or the valiant virtues of
    frank and generous hearts.
    It happened that, on the very day on which
    the outrage was perpetrated, a fair was held
    on a green hill ; where, by-the-bye, Julius
    Caesar, many years afterwards, built the
    Tower : and that Gog and Magog were at
    the fair, enjoying the sports and pastimes,
    when the news arrived. Filled with noble
    indignation at this fresh instance of the
    giant's lawless tyranny, they loudly
    exclaimed to their companions, that it was
    disgraceful to endure any longer the
    arbitrary oppression of such a despot ;
    declaring, at the same time, that if they were
    well supported, they would not scruple to
    attempt the rescue of the unfortunate
    princess.
    Their known bravery, and the valour with
    which they expressed themselves, gave resolution and energy to all who heard
    them. The amusements of the fair were
    suspended; and the most prompt and
    decisive measures taken, on the instant, to
    attack the ferocious Humbug, in his gloomy
    fortress. Gog divided the young men, whom
    his eloquence had inspired, into different
    companies, and appointed captains to each :
    while Magog went with a detachment,
    breathing revenge, to provide weapons
    suitable to their warlike enterprise.
    It is, I presume, unnecessary to inform
    my attentive auditors, that, in the rude period
    in which this affair took place, fire-arms
    were totally unknown ; but, perhaps, it is not
    generally understood, that even swords were
    not then invented : at least, I have not found
    any such thing mentioned in the numerous volumes that have furnished me with the
    materials from which I have compiled this
    most authentic history. The fact seems to
    be, that the only warlike weapons then in
    use, were clubs and shields; but even with
    these the country lads, who were enjoying
    the diversions of the fair, were not provided;
    for I find it recorded, that Magog led his
    men to the banks of the Fleet rivulet, where
    they cut down the elder and willow-trees
    which, as I have already mentioned,
    overshadowed its limpid and purling waters,
    and converted the trunks and branches into
    hostile weapons. With these they returned
    to Gog ; and, having distributed the clubs
    thus procured, the whole body moved
    towards the giant's castle in battle array.



    CHAP. IV. HOW GOG AND MAGOG WERE REPULSED BY THE GIANT HUMBUG, AND WHAT ENSUED.



    THE warden of the castle being at his post,
    on the top of the highest tower, saw the
    army of Gog and Magog advancing over
    Cornhill, and instantly sounded an alarm.
    Humbug, with all his tyrannical qualities,
    was not deficient in personal courage ; but,
    as he was rather advanced in years,
    corpulent and afflicted with the gout, he
    could not move about with that celerity
    which he was wont to shew on the field of
    glory. However, he buckled on his armour
    as fast as he could ; and, heading his vassals,
    boldly issued from the castle-gate, with
    colours flying, and all the pride, pomp, and circumstance of
    glorious war, determined to conquer or die :
    at all events, to punish the insurgents with
    exemplary rigour.
    Gog and Magog not being then versed in
    the stratagems of war, were not prepared for
    those open and offensive proceedings. The
    result was, that the giant and his followers,
    experienced as they were in military
    enterprises, completely disconcerted them ;
    and, after a short conflict, in which no want
    of courage was shewn on the part of the
    champions of Londona, and their
    companions, the brave youths were obliged
    to make a precipitate retreat.
    Humbug, fatigued with his exertions in
    the field, was satisfied with this victory, and
    retired to his castle ; while the assailants fell
    back to the top of Ludgate-hill, and halted on a spot which was
    ever after deemed sacred, and is now
    occupied by the magnificent structure of St.
    Paul's Cathedral.
    Gog and Magog, conscious that their
    enterprise had been rashly undertaken, freely
    confessed this to their companions, but
    advised them not to consider the cause as
    hopeless ; on the contrary, to assure
    themselves, that, by properly using the
    instruction which they had received from
    adverse fortune, they would, in the end,
    attain that object they had all so much at
    heart.
    Greatly encouraged by these cheering
    assurances, the whole party resolved to
    prosecute the war with redoubled vigour ;
    and, in order to do so with the more effect, it
    was agreed that they should march back to
    the place where the fair had been held, and
    fortify the hill, as a place of refuge, from the
    vassals of the giant ; and as a depot for arms
    and provisions, which they perceived it
    became necessary to collect, in order to
    carry on the contest properly. Hence it is
    that this spot, now called the Tower of
    London, has, in all subsequent ages, been
    the grand magazine of the military stores of
    the British nation : a decided proof of' the
    discernment and military genius of Gog and
    Magog.



    CHAP. V. HOW GOG AND MAGOG PROCEEDED TO ATTACK THE CASTLE.



    WHEN the hill was fortified, by digging the
    ditch around it, which remains to this day,
    and the whole inclosed with a strong
    pallisade, which occupied the line of the
    present walls ; Gog and Magog invited
    every person, who had suffered by the
    tyranny of Humbug, or who resented his
    manifold aggressions, to take refuge within
    the inclosure : for, as it was resolved to
    wage war, until he was completely subdued,
    it was natural to expect he would wreak his
    vengeance on all who had suffered by him ;
    conscious as he was, that they must,
    therefore, be his enemies. In consequence of a proclamation to this
    effect, a great number of families, with their
    property, flocked into the fortress ; and the
    two champions, and their friends, having, in
    the mean time, improved their arms and
    discipline, marched out again to hazard
    another battle.
    The giant, awake to the increasing
    danger of his situation, was not, in the mean
    time, idle. He strengthened the walls of his
    castle, exercised his troops with the skill of
    an experienced general ; and, in the hope
    that Londona might be induced to mediate
    between him and the insurgents, he softened
    the rigours of her captivity. But she was not
    to be deceived, nor tempted, by this change.
    Her demeanour towards him remained
    unaltered ; and, when he sometimes stormed
    at her stubborn virtue she replied to his fury with
    silent scorn; as became her beauty, and
    illustrious birth; and answered his threats, by
    expressing her perfect persuasion that his
    downfall was at hand.
    On the morning of that day, the
    anniversary of which has ever since been
    consecrated to manly recreations by the
    inhabitants of the English capital, under the
    name of Easter Monday, Gog and Magog
    advanced towards the walls of the castle,
    which were thronged with formidable
    warriors, and bands of archers, stationed at
    the windows, and on the tops of all the
    towers. They halted in a field, through
    which a foot-path then ran, that, in process
    of time, has become the street of Cheapside ;
    and Gog, having a large horn suspended
    from his neck by a leathern thong, stepped out in front, and blew a loud
    blast, summoning the giant to a parley.
    Humbug regarded this as a mere bravado ;
    and, instead of answering, as, according to
    the laws of war, he was bound to do, he
    shook his spear at the youthful champion, as
    if he had been a country-gentleman, and
    Gog a schoolboy coming to break into his
    orchard.
    This convinced the army of Gog and
    Magog that it was unnecessary to treat with
    such a fierce and faithless tyrant; but that
    blows were the only terms in which they
    ought to address him. Accordingly, they
    marched bravely up to the castle ; and,
    getting close under the walls, the archers at
    the windows, and in the towers, could do
    them no offence. Humbug, who had not
    anticipated any such manoeuvre, was, for a moment, disconcerted ; but the evil genius,
    which constantly attended him, soon
    suggested an expedient worthy of his
    character. He ordered the beautiful Londona
    to be instantly brought forth, with a rope
    round her neck ; and, looking down from his
    lofty station over the castle-gate, he cried to
    Gog and Magog, that, if they did not
    immediately withdraw their troops, he
    would strangle the lady before their eyes.
    This singular and desperate stratagem had
    the effect intended. The generous Gog and
    Magog could not remain and see the lady
    perish ; and, therefore, they immediately
    drew off their men, and returned, extremely
    down-hearted at this second failure, to their
    fortress.



    CHAP. VI. HOW GOG AND MAGOG MAGNANIMOUSLY DEVOTED THEIR LIVES AND PROPERTY FOR THE DELIVERANCE OF LONDONA.



    HUMBUG having discovered, by the effect
    of this stratagem, that he had the means of
    controlling his enemies in his own power,
    no sooner saw the army of the champions at
    a convenient distance, than he sent out a
    herald, on a black charger, to demand, by
    sound of trumpet, as the price of Londona's
    life, that the brave twin-brothers should be
    delivered into his hands. This audacious
    proposal met with a suitable answer. The
    whole army, with one heart and voice,
    exclaimed, with indigtion [sic], that they
    never would be guilty of so great a crime ; that they knew her
    her life would not be one jot safer by
    sacrificing Gog and, Magog ; and that, if he
    ventured to hurt a hair of her head, they
    would cut him into as many pieces as there
    were hairs on his own.
    But Gog and Magog saw that they were
    never to expect a pardon for their rebellion ;
    and, therefore, thought the best thing they
    could do, would be to negociate with the
    giant, and offer themselves in exchange for
    the princess. They accordingly
    communicated this generous intention to
    their companions, by whom every argument
    that affection and reason could suggest was
    urged, in vain, to dissuade them from this
    self-immolation. They were, however, firm
    to their purpose ; and, having chosen a
    proper person to make the overture to the giant, they waited his
    return with undaunted serenity.
    Humbug having found, by this time, that
    it was hopeless to think Londona would ever
    consent to become his bride, was glad of an
    opportunity to get at once so well rid of her,
    and to obtain his two most formidable
    enemies into his hands. He therefore at once
    acquiesced in the proposal ; and the next
    morning was appointed to carry this treaty
    into effect. The place appointed for
    Londona to be delivered to the giant, and for
    Gog and Magog to surrender themselves,
    was on the top of Cornhill, where the Royal
    Exchange now stands. Whether the name
    took its rise from this transaction may be
    questioned ; but the spot is still held in great
    reverence by the citizens of London. It is
    not, however, any part of my task to settle differences of opinion, and
    I have only alluded to the circumstance, that
    some learned doctor, more conversant in
    matters of this sort, may investigate the
    business for the satisfaction of the members
    of the Antiquarian Society, as well as the
    Court of Aldermen, who are all lamentably
    ignorant of the illustrious fact, of which I
    have the felicity of being the first modern
    historian. What ancient authorities have
    said on the subject, falls not within the scope haveof the present narrative.



    CHAP. VII. HOW GOG AND MAGOG WERE EXCHANGED FOR THE PRINCESS LONDONA.



    THE lady was led to the spot veiled, and in
    tears, at the time appointed; and Gog and
    Magog, her gallant champions, stepped
    forward, at the same moment, with a manly
    air, and delivered themselves into the hands
    of the officers of their implacable enemy, by
    whom they were immediately conducted to
    the castle, in the hall of which Humbug was
    seated, at the upper end.
    It would require the pen, of a master to
    describe the interview. The giant looked at
    the two courageous youths with an aspect of
    mingled revenge and cruelty, and his huge bulk was terribly
    shaken with the conflict of violent passions.
    At one moment he seemed disposed to tear
    them in pieces, and give their limbs to his
    dogs ; at another he eyed them with an
    expression of abhorrence, as if he had a
    presentiment that they were destined to end
    his flagitious career. But, after debating
    within himself in what manner he might best
    glut his vengeance by their destruction, and
    spitting in their faces with perfect rage, he
    ordered them to be thrown into separate
    dungeons, to await his pleasure.
    Gog and Magog, as you have seen, being
    possessed of firm and undaunted minds,
    listened to the exasperated threats of the
    tyrant in the coolest manner ; and,
    warily casting their eyes round the hall, saw
    piles of clubs and shields in different places. Having been
    born twins, and resembling each other
    strongly in person and character, they
    happened also to think much alike ;
    accordingly, without communicating their
    thoughts to one another, they both resolved,
    at the same time, that, when they were next
    brought before the giant to take an
    opportunity of seizing some of the arms in
    the hall, and free themselves and their
    country from his oppression on the spot.
    In the mean time, Londona, who had been
    conducted by the friends of Gog and Magog
    to the fortress, was inconsolable at the idea
    of having caused the death of two such
    courageous young men ; for it was not
    doubted that Humbug had sacrificed them to
    his ungovernable vengeance. When she had awhile indulged her sorrow for
    their fate, she recollected that, being herself
    the daughter of a British king, she was
    qualified to lead armies to battle ; and that it
    more became her blood, and birth, to avenge
    the wrongs that had been done, than to
    bewail it with tears. She thereupon rose
    from the seat where she had sat weeping ;
    and, going out to the crowd of young men
    who were mourning the loss of their leaders,
    and repining at their own want of resolution,
    in permitting such a sacrifice to take place,
    addressed them in very lofty language, and
    rebuked them for thinking that she, the
    daughter of a royal line, would tamely allow
    the destroyer of her father, the usurper of her
    birthright, and the wasteful oppressor of
    their common country, to continue in the enjoyment of his
    crimes.
    The heroic sentiments of Londona met
    with lively sympathy in every bosom. Shouts
    of admiration and devotion answered her
    address, followed with cries of impatience to
    be led on to attack the tyrant in his strong-
    hold.



    CHAP. VIII. HOW THE GIANT USED GOG AND MAGOG.



    THE war, which I have thus described as
    commencing at Easter, had raged all the
    summer in the bosoms of the antagonists,
    and the autumn was by this time long over.
    In fact, it was the 9th of November when the
    exchange of Londona for Gog and Magog
    took place, a day annually commemorated
    by the Lord Mayor resigning the magisterial
    functions to his successor ; a ceremony
    instituted to keep up to all posterity the
    memory of the deliverance of LondonA.
    When Humbug had settled his scheme of
    torture, he seated himself at his supper-table,
    and ordered Gog and Magog to be brought before him. The
    prisoners, expecting to be put to death, had
    thought it unnecessary that morning to take
    any breakfast ; they were, therefore,
    exceedingly hungry. The giant knew this,
    and had directed his cook to prepare a
    sumptuous banquet, of the most savoury
    viands, that he might sharpen their appetite
    with the smell. Smarting with the pains of
    hunger, as Gog and Magog then were, they
    bore the tantalizing offers which Humbug
    made them, of dainty morcels on his fork,
    with as much apparent equanimity as their
    statues overlook the vanishing luxuries of
    the city-feast, which is annually held in the
    same place, to perpetuate a just abhorrence
    of the tyrant's method of torture.
    When the giant perceived that they were
    not to be moved by his insulting and refined cruelty, he grew exceedingly
    fierce ; and, bending forward, he grinned
    with vexation in their face. This was too
    much for their patience ; and they both
    simultaneously hit him such a blow in the
    mouth, with their fists, that it loosened
    several of his enormous teeth. The
    instantaneous pain of the blow stunned him
    for a moment, and he rose upon them like a
    tempest.
    One of his attendants, having observed the
    manner in which they had struck the giant,
    would have sacrificed them on the instant,
    but Humbug called to him to forbear, for
    they were his own prey, and he would give
    into fractions the audacious mortal that
    dared to interfere with his revenge.
    The prisoners, who had retreated to
    the bottom of the hall from the presence of the wrathful giant, saw no possibility of
    escape ; and the servants, whom the uproar
    had gathered round, stood so between them
    and the piles of clubs and shields, that they
    had no means of defence in their power.
    The giant came towards them, dilated with
    passion, and thundering vengeance ; but,
    just as he approached so near as to put forth
    his hand to seize Gog by the throat, Magog
    leapt forward, and gave him such a stamp
    with his heel on the gouty toe, that the
    monster roared out in an agony of pain, and
    the courageous youths again escaped from
    his clutches.



    CHAP. IX. HOW THE PRINCESS LONDONA ADVANCED TO STORM THE CASTLE OF HUMBUG, AND HOW THE GIANT WAS SLAIN.



    IN the meantime, the spirited Londona
    advanced towards the castle, and, the night
    being dark, she led her army close to the
    walls undiscovered ; when she paused for a
    moment, and listened to the noise which
    raged within ; for the outcry of the giant
    sounded loud and terrible, and she feared
    that he was then busy with the destruction of
    his victims.
    Without loss of time she therefore
    directed a number of her stoutest men to
    kneel down on all-fours, and the rest, to
    mount on their backs, and so to scale

    38.

    the walls, herself shewing them a most
    intrepid example. By this bold and skilful
    enterprise, she made herself mistress of the
    walls and towers before the warden had time
    to sound an alarm ; and when he had winded
    his horn, the vassals and retainers who were
    assembled in the hall, thought at first that he
    had only done so in consequence of the
    uproar between Humbug and the prisoners..
    This fortunate misconception of the
    signal on their part, enabled the courageous
    Princess to attack the inner wards before the
    household were aware of their danger :
    indeed, it was not until the noise of the
    assailants over-powered the groans and
    roaring vengeance of the giant, that those
    who were in the hall had the slightest notion
    of what was going forward. Humbug himself first observed the noise, and
    exclaimed, with a tremendous oath, that he
    would make dog's-meat of the rioters. But,
    in the same moment, a thundering peal was
    rattled on the folding doors of the hall ; and,
    the doors flying open, Londona entered,
    followed by a number of her troops. At the
    sight of her, the giant saw that he was
    undone ; and Gog and Magog, having
    obtained a club a-piece, levelled together
    such a blow on his forehead, that they laid
    him brainless at the feet of the Princess.



    CHAP. X. HOW LONDONA REWARDED GOG AND MAGOG FOR THEIR NOBLE SELF DEVOTION IN HER CAUSE.



    THE remorseless tyrant, who had so long
    oppressed the country, being thus laid low,
    his vassals and retainers surrendered at
    discretion, and the castle and territory were
    declared the conquest of the princess
    LondonA. After a day of danger and fatigue,
    there is nothing so comfortable as an
    excellent supper; and fortunately, the
    sumptuous banquet which Humbug had
    prepared for his own luxurious appetite,
    stood ready to regale the victors. The
    Princess accordingly taking the head of the
    table, and requesting Gog and Magog to
    place themselves on her right and left, she directed her most distinguished officers also
    to be seated ; and, cutting up a large venison
    pasty, she commenced the convivial
    operations of that ever-memorable evening.
    After supper, on the cloth being removed,
    and Non Nobis sung with great effect, she
    filled a bumper, and proposed as a toast--
    The health of Gog and Magog ; observing
    that, " but for their bold and masterly
    measures, she might still have been in the
    thraldom of her implacable enemy, and the
    whole country still groaning beneath the
    intolerable burthen of his oppression."
    Her speech was frequently interrupted by
    the most enthusiastic shouts of admiration,
    and the toast received with thunders of
    applause.
    When the acclamations had subsided,
    Gog arose ; and, in a speech replete with the noblest sentiments, returned thanks
    for the Honour that had been done to him
    and his brother ; declaring that, " while a
    drop of blood flowed in their veins, they
    would cheerfully shed it in defence of
    injured innocence ; that it was particularly
    gratifying to him, as well as his gallant
    relation, to meet such an assemblage of their
    countrymen on so interesting an occasion. "
    We feel," exclaimed the magnanimous Gog,
    "that we are, more than repaid for all our
    endeavours in the field of battle ; for all the
    dangers we have encountered ; and for all
    the insults that we have endured, - by these
    flattering testimonies of your approbation,
    than which nothing can be more gratifying
    to our hearts - and we are free to declare,
    and we do so with the utmost sincerity, that
    our feeble exertions would have been of no avail in the great
    struggle for all that was dear to us as men,
    had those exertions not been seconded by
    the heroic achievements of that
    incomparable Princess at the head of' the
    table - a Princess, whose wisdom in council
    is only surpassed by her abilities in the field
    ; and how much these excel those of every
    other lady, I need not point out to your
    judicious attention : for ye have witnessed
    with what intrepidity she advanced, with
    what resolution she persevered, until the
    enemy of social order, and the child and
    champion of anarchy and confusion, was
    laid prostrate at her feet. With your
    permission, after returning you my warmest
    thanks for the honour you have done to me
    and my gallant relative on the left of the
    chairwoman, I would therefore propose the
    health of the princess LondonA." It would be in vain for me even to attempt
    to describe the rapture with which this toast
    was received by the whole company.
    Suffice it to say, that there never was an
    evening spent with more convivial
    reciprocity, and that the form of
    proceedings, as to drinking healths and
    returning thanks, practised on that
    interesting occasion, has become a
    precedent which the citizens of London have
    never allowed to become obsolete when they
    entertain the illustrious or the renowned.



    CHAP. XI. HOW THE PRINCESS RESOLVED TO BUILD A CITY, AND CALLED IT LONDON, AFTER HERSELF.



    NEXT morning the Princess summoned a
    council of all her followers, the friends and
    companions of Gog and Magog ; and,
    having informed them, that being happily
    restored to the throne of her ancestors, with
    dominions extended by the overthrow of the
    giant Humbug, she was determined to build
    a capital city, and that she thought the
    families who had taken refuge within the
    fortress of her gallant deliverers, should
    remain on the spot, and become the first
    inhabitants.
    The proposal was received with great
    approbation and Gog and Magog advised the Princess to honour with particular
    privileges all the brave young men who had
    cooperated in the storming of the castle.
    This suggestion not only met the disposition
    of Londona, but of all present ; and she
    accordingly declared, that those who had
    united themselves to the enterprise of Gog
    and Magog, should be distinguished from
    the rest of the inhabitants as her special
    vassals; by which, in the process of time,
    they came to be known as the liverymen of
    LondonA. To these, as they were too
    numerous for purposes of business, she gave
    authority to elect a certain number of the
    most intelligent members of their body to
    form a council ; and out of this institution
    grew the now far-famed common council of
    London.
    When she had thus given a foundation and
    a constitution to the city, and called it London, after her own
    name ; as Rome, several ages later,
    was named from its founder Romulus ;
    the brother of Remus, who, as every
    classical scholar knows, were suckled
    by a wolf.



    CHAP. XII. HOW THE COMMON COUNCIL RESOLVED TO ADDRESS THE PRINCESS, AND IN WHAT MANNER THE COURT OF ALDERMEN ORIGINATED.



    THIS amiable and legitimate Princess being
    thus restored to the throne of her ancestors,
    the first instance of so joyful an event in the
    records of British history, - and her subjects
    being extremely anxious to obtain an heir to
    the throne, of the same illustrious race, it
    was suggested, in Common Council
    assembled, that a most dutiful and loyal
    address should be drawn up, and, presented
    to the Princess, imploring that her highness
    might be graciously pleased to take into her
    royal consideration the expediency of allying herself with some
    distinguished family, in order to secure, to
    her loving subjects and their posterity, the
    great blessings which they already
    experienced under her benign sway.
    In a matter of such grave importance, too
    much deliberation could not be employed ;
    and therefore it was moved, by Mr. Deputy
    Gog, that the different wards of the new city,
    which was daily increasing in population,
    should be required to select from among the
    eldest of the wisest of the housekeepers, in
    the respective wards, a fit person to advise
    and assist in drawing up the said dutiful and
    loyal address. His brother, Mr. Deputy
    Magog, seconded the motion ; which, after
    some judicious observations from Deputy
    Dixit, and a long irrelevant speech by Mr. Waffman, two persons who busied
    themselves very much on the subject of
    places and pensions in these remote days,
    was finally carried.
    The wards accordingly elected their
    respective elder-men; a title which, by those
    changes that living languages are subject to,
    has since been altered to that of aldermen.
    These representatives of the wards, or
    aldermen, as they are now called, having
    met as a committee, framed a very suitable
    address for the occasion ; which, being
    approved of by the Common Council, they
    were appointed to carry up the address ; and
    Gog and Magog having, in the meantime,
    been chosen sheriffs for the city and
    Middlesex, were directed to enquire when
    the address would be received. Hence arose
    the practice of the sheriffs, on all similar occasions, apprising the ruling
    sovereign of the city addresses, furnishing,
    at the same time, a copy, that the Court
    might have time to prepare a suitable
    answer.



    CHAP. XIII. HOW THE PRINCESS LANDONA RECEIVED THE ALDERMEN, AND BESTOWED THE TITLE OF "MY LORD MAYOR;" WITH SOME CURIOUS FACTS RESPECTING THE ORIGIN OF NEWSPAPERS AND CLUB- ROOMS.



    THE Princess, on being informed of the
    object of the address, the first from her new
    city, determined to receive the deputation
    seated upon her throne. Thus was a
    precedent established, by which, in time, the
    citizens of London became possessed of this
    enviable privilege, which they have ever
    since claimed, of addressing the sovereign
    on the throne ; and here, it should be
    remarked, that there was nothing, in the first
    instance, to justify the modern pretensions of the Common Council to
    the enjoyment of the same privilege :
    it being clear, from all the learned
    authorities which we have consulted, in
    drawing up this authentic history, that it was
    the aldermen, and not the Common Council,
    who obtained this distinguished honour.
    On the day appointed, the deputation ,
    with sheriffs Gog, and Magog, set out, in
    grand procession, for the royal palace at
    Tottenham Court. On their arrival, they
    were received with great state, and
    conducted, by the usher of the black rod,
    into the presence-chamber, where the
    Recorder of the city read the address with
    appropriate solemnity. At this period the
    office of recorder was a very important one ;
    for, as neither the Bell nor Lancasterian
    schools had then been established,

    54.

    none of the corporation could write, or even
    read. The title of the office expresses the
    duty which then attached to it, that of
    recording the transactions of the
    corporation.
    The Princess was deeply affected with this
    expression of the great interest which the
    citizens of her good city of London took in
    her happiness, and the stability of her throne
    ; and replied, with all that delicacy, grace,
    and dignity, which ever adorns persons of
    her high station.
    We should have been happy to have been
    able to favour our readers with a copy of the
    speech ; but, unfortunately, the folio of the
    record in which it was preserved, was
    destroyed in the fire of London ; a
    circumstance greatly to be regretted, as it
    has thrown a cloud of obscurity over this
    interesting part of the history of the metropolis of the
    British empire. We have, however, had the
    good fortune to obtain a very curious
    document, which was lately discovered on
    removing that part of the ancient wall of the
    city which formed the scite [sic] of Old
    Bedlam ; and which, on being, examined by
    a special committee of that learned body, the
    Antiquarian Society, appears to have been a
    manuscript newspaper of the time, entitled
    The Trumpeter, containing a programme of
    the whole ceremony. It is not legible
    throughout ; but enough remains, to enable
    us to ascertain, that it was on this occasion
    that the title and dignity of "MY LORD
    MAYOR," was given to the senior alderman:
    at least it is stated, in the leading paragraph
    of The Trumpeter, that the Princess
    honoured him with the title of My Lord Major,
    from the very circumstance of
    his being the senior; and few will dispute
    that mayor is not a corruption of that term.
    Every classical reader knows that Julius
    Caesar introduced into Rome the practice of
    circulating bulletins or commentaries, the
    newspapers of that day ; but, until the
    discovery of the Antiquarian Society, it was
    never even suspected, that he took the hint
    from the customs of this country, when he,
    as the Napoleon of his day, came hither, and
    overturned the ancient institutions of the
    country. Newspapers are evidently
    indigenous to London ; for in no part of the
    world have they grown to such perfection, or
    contributed in any similar degree, to the
    enlightening of mankind. This valuable
    relict, now in our possession, contains a
    notification that The Trumpeter
    would in future be regularly read at the sign
    of The Club, by a "learned clerk;" and we
    are of opinion, that this little circumstance
    explains how associations and meetings for
    hearing and canvassing the news of the day
    came to be called clubs ; the princpal [sic]
    place of resort for this purpose, in the time
    of the Princess Londona, having been the
    Club Tavern. We conjecture, that this was
    on the same scite [sic] where the Gun
    Tavern now stands, at Billingsgate, which is
    in the vicinity of the great military station of
    Gog and Magog, as described in our fourth
    chapter. The house having been rebuilt
    about the time of the invention of fire-arms,
    the sign was probably changed from the
    Club to the Gun. We are the more inclined
    to this opinion, from finding from the
    state papers that we have consulted,
    that at this era Cannon Street obtained its
    name, from the circumstance of the first
    piece of ordnance sent to the Tower having
    gone by that road.



    CHAP. XIV. HOW THE PRINCESS WAS SOUGHT IN MARRIAGE BY SEVERAL GREAT CHARACTERS; AND, HAVING, PREFERRED TOOLY, PRINCE OF SOUTHWARK, ABOVE ALL OTHERS, HOW LONDON- BRIDGE WAS BUILT TO FACILITATE THEIR UNION.



    THE readiness expressed by the Princess, in
    her answer to the city address, to comply
    with the request of the corporation, was
    soon rumoured abroad, and many illustrious
    suitors made proposals of marriage ; but
    none were encouraged, except TOOLY, the
    hereditary prince of Southwark, an ancient
    maritime state, on the south side of the
    Thames, which had already shewn much
    jealousy at the rising commerce
    and prosperity of the new city, and
    with which an alliance was the more
    desirable, as the Londoners were not yet in a
    condition to dispute with that people the
    sovereignty of the river.
    When all the preliminaries for the
    marriage were settled, as the union of the
    two people was the main object of the
    match, it was thought that the event could
    not be more appropriately celebrated than by
    the Formation of some public work, that
    should remain as a monument of the same to
    posterity. After many consultations held on
    the subject, it was at last determined that the
    best and most useful work to which the
    abilities and resources of the two states could be applied, was the
    construction of a bridge that should unite the
    new city with the territories of Southwark.
    This important measure being resolved
    on, Gog and Magog were
    instructed to have the same executed with all
    speed, that the bridge might be ready to be
    opened for the marriage
    procession.
    It was not then customary to have public
    works executed by contract ; and Gog and
    Magog, having no view to personal
    emolument, they proceeded with this
    undertaking in the most economical manner.
    A survey was taken of the standing timber
    on the domains of the deceased giant ; and
    the largest and best trees, for such an
    erection, were found on the ground now well known by the name of
    Woodstreet. Gog, gave directions to have
    them cut down ; while Magog, attended by
    several respectable citizens, was making
    provision for having them disposed in their
    proper places in the river by means of pile-
    drivers.
    One great difficulty, however, remained to
    be conquered, namely, the impediments
    which presented themselves to the removal
    of such heavy and unwieldy masses of
    timber. The sagacity of Gog, who was ever
    fruitful in expedients, supplied the remedy.
    He ordered the trunks of the trees to be
    rolled to the side of a small stream, which,
    in after ages, was known by the name of
    Walbrook ; but which, since the great fire in
    1666, has flowed in a subterranean channel ;
    and, although it passes in the immediate neighbourhood
    of the Mansion-house, is but little known to
    the public. Here, having dammed up the
    waters in their descent below Lawrence
    Pountney-hill, he launched the timber and
    so floated it down till it arrived at a fall of
    the current, where it was stopped by the
    broken nature of the channel. And having,
    by an ingenious contrivance, afterwards
    contrived to move it to the river on rollers,
    the place acquired the name of Budge Row,
    from the timber being moved or budged at
    that place ; every body being aware, that to
    budge, and to move, are words of equal
    import in the genuine language of this,
    enlightened and highly civilized nation.
    The timber for the bridge being thus conveyed to the Thames, Magog, with
    his party, placed it in its proper station : so
    that, in a wonderful short time, the first
    London-bridge was constructed. Several
    centuries after, when it stood in need of
    repair, this original structure was removed,
    and the present stone fabric, substituted in
    its place ; but some remains of the ancient
    edifice may still be seen at low water.
    As soon as the bridge was finished, a day
    was fixed for the opening of it ; and his
    serene highness, Prince Tooly, was
    conducted, with a goodly train of gentlemen,
    knights, and other persons of rank and
    quality, across the same, from his hereditary
    residence in Southwark to the mansion of
    Londona, where the marriage was celebrated with all the magnificence and splendour
    befitting the dignity of her high station, and
    her own renowned achievements.



    HOW THE PRINCESS LONDONA WAS
    DELIVERED OF A FINE BOY WITHIN THE
    SOUND OF BOW BELL, WHEN IT WAS
    FIRST RUNG.

    IN due course of time and Nature, the
    Princess Londona, to the inexpressible joy
    of her beloved husband, the renowned
    Tooly, hereditary prince of Southwark, and
    of their united and loyal people, was safely
    delivered of a son and heir. In order to give
    the greater eclat to this happy event, it had
    been previously determined that she should
    lie-in at the Guild-hall of the city ; and it so
    happened that, at the very hour when the
    little prince first saw the light, a fine bell had
    been hung on the bough of a stately tree, which
    then grew in Cheapside. This bell was
    called the Bell-of-the-bough, or Bough-bell ;
    but when, in afterages, a church was built
    near the spot, and dedicated to the Virgin
    Mary, the church was called St. Mary-le-
    Bough, and the orthography was, at the
    same time, altered ; such are the deplorable
    effects of the corruptions of time, and of
    Popish superstition. Indeed, but for our
    fortunate researches, undertaken with so
    much zeal, pursued with such ardour, and
    crowned with so much success, this
    interesting incident respecting the bell,
    would have silently perished in oblivion.
    Bough-bell, or as we must now spell it,
    in compliance with vulgar prejudices, Bow-
    bell, being rung for the first time when the
    prince was born, the royal infant was obliged to exert
    its little lungs to an inordinate degree before
    he could make himself heard by the
    midwife. But the mother, whose courage
    the pangs of birth could only struggle with,
    not subdue, was so delighted at the birth of a
    man-child, that she looked from behind the
    curtains of the bed, and declared, with an
    audible voice, to all the assembled gossips
    that from and after that day, every male born
    within the sound of the bell, should be pre-
    eminently distinguished over all her other
    subjects. The midwife, surprised at this
    supernatural exertion of strength, requested
    her royal highness to lie quiet, by which she
    was cut short in the declaration of her will
    and pleasure ; so that it was not known in
    what manner she intended to determine that
    such children should be so distinguished. But naturalists may suppose
    that it was owing to some metaphysical
    influence of this decree, that the youth of the
    city of London uniformly maintain extensive
    pretensions to distinction, without ever
    verifying the same, it being certain and
    unquestionable, that, if the Princess had
    been allowed to mention in what their
    superiority was to consist they would have
    proved themselves well able to assert it.
    For, of all the British youth, those of London
    are the most distinguished for their talkative
    capacity ; and it cannot be doubted that, with
    such powers to amuse, they are well
    calculated to play a distinguished part in
    every conversation.



    CHAP. XVI. HOW THE SON AND HEIR OF THE PRINCESS LONDONA WAS CALLED COCKNEY, AND WHY GOG AND MAGOG WERE NOT SPONSERS WHEN HE RECEIVED HIS NAME.


    IT is unnecessary to inform the young and
    courteous reader, that the Princess Londona
    was delivered of her son and heir long
    before the Christian era ; and that this alone
    was the cause why the royal infant was not
    baptized. Had he been baptized, Gog and
    Magog would no doubt have been the
    sponsers, considering the great esteem in
    which this sovereign lady ever held those
    two illustrious statesmen. But, although the
    son of Londona, by her spouse Tooly, the hereditary prince of
    Southwark, was not christened, yet he
    received a name with much solemnity and
    sumptuous banquetting ; which name,
    however, has been lost in his more
    characteristic surname.
    The reader, whom we must suppose well
    acquainted with history, cannot but, in the
    course of his reading, have remarked how
    many illustrious heroes derived their
    surnames from some personal peculiarity.
    There, was in England King, Edmund
    Ironside, so called on account of his great
    strength ; and Edward Long-shanks, who is
    more frequently mentioned in the chronicles
    by his surname than any other ; not to speak
    of Richard Coeur de Lion, or that fell and
    bloody other Richard, so well known by the
    nickname of Crook-back. In like manner,
    when the son of Londona grew towards manhood, it was
    observed that he was somewhat loosely
    jointed at the knees ; from which
    circumstance he came, in process of time, to
    be called KNOCK-KNEE ; and with that
    commendable loyalty which induces faithful
    and loving subjects to name their children
    after the reigning king or queen, the citizens
    of London, called so many of their sons after
    KNOCK-KNEE, that the term at last became
    the peculiar title of all native youth of
    London.
    On the honourable epithet of KNOCK-
    KNEE, time has not been more sparing than
    on that of BOUGH-BELL ; for, in the lapse
    of years, the N has been gradually omitted in
    the knock, and the K in the knee. Hence the
    vulgar term of Kocknee ; or, as it is usually
    written, Cockney, has been substituted. In
    what manner this happened is not easy, at
    this distance of time, to ascertain ; but we
    presume that it took place in consequence of
    the too-frequent negligence of transcribers.
    Every antiquary, however, must feel
    extremely delighted at the complete and
    clear manner in which we have thus traced
    the origin and history of a name so dear and
    venerated by all the youths born within the
    sound of Bow-bell.



    CHAP. XVII. HOW GOG AND MAGOG GREW OLD, AND DIED; AND HOW THEIR STATUES WERE PLACED IN GUILD-HALL.



    WHILE his highness, Prince Cockney, the
    son of Londona, was improving in
    knowledge and stature, and becoming in
    fact, an exceedingly spruce and chatty
    young gentleman, those two excellent and
    great men, Gog and Magog, were declining
    into the vale of years. But their assiduous
    labours for the good of the city, which owed
    its foundation to the valour and
    magnanimity of their youthful days, were
    none relaxed : nor were they merely
    restricted to public works. They deemed it
    no less their duty to rectify the abuses which had crept into the
    government of the country during the mal-
    administration of Humbug the giant, than to
    co-operate in measures which had for their
    object the formation of new institutions, for
    the benefit of the city of London. Thus
    affording an example to all future
    magistrates of the metropolis, not only to go
    hand-and-glove with the government, but to
    take care that no corruptions entered into
    their own department, nor that abuses should
    be suffered to remain, however respected by
    age or sanctioned by acquiescence.
    But, alas! short is the term of human life ;
    and the wise and good are no more
    respected by impartial Death than giants, or
    other bad and tyrannical characters : all must
    die; and it was ordained that Gog and
    Magog, though still in a green old age, should, on
    the same day, pay the debt of Nature.
    The circumstances attending the death of
    these illustrious twin-brothers, who in virtue,
    and all that dignifies human nature, so much
    excelled the Castor and Pollux of antiquity,
    have not been narrated. The corporation of
    London having, with that exquisite taste for
    which it is so justly celebrated, after a long
    debate in Guild-hall, determined that it was
    sufficient to record the date of the event. "It
    is enough," said an eloquent draper and
    citizen, on that mournful occasion, " to state,
    that on this day Gog and Magog died.
    Posterity, in deploring the calamity, will not
    suspend her weeping to enquire into the
    cause. It is enough for all the world, and
    particularly for the city of London, to know, that Gog and
    Magog were mortal, and are now no more.
    Gog and Magog are dead! The renowned,
    the munificent, the courageous, Gog, and
    Magog, are gone. But their spirit will never
    die : it will enter into the hearts of all good
    citizens. I feel it kindling already in my
    own, and stimulating me, by its immortal
    fires, to the imitation of their patriotic
    deeds."
    After this pathetic funeral oration, for
    such it may be justly called, although it
    contained no flattery, it was unanimously
    resolved, that the statues of these two
    famous champions should be placed in the
    Guild-hall, as a perpetual mark of the
    estimation in which they had been held by
    the city ; and the statues were placed there in
    due course of time accordingly, Thus
    did that excellent custom arise, of
    occasionally reverencing the services of the
    brave and wealthy, by erecting statues and
    monuments to their memory in the same
    place.
    Having now brought our learned and
    eventful history to a close, it is my humble
    duty to take leave of the reader with all
    becoming respect, and to assure him, that if
    he makes a proper use of the moral
    inculcated, I may, at some future time, relate
    the story of John Doe and Richard Roe ;
    who, though long posterior to Gog and
    Magog, are no less celebrated at
    Westminster than the champions of the
    Princess Londona are in London. And now,
    heartily wishing all manner of prosperity
    and renown to the citizens, common council,
    and aldermen, of the city, in the hope that
    they will continue to cherish, like Gog and Magog, an
    invincible animosity against giants, and
    oppressors of every description, nor ever
    permit any of the Humbug race to domineer
    again in their Guild-hall, we conclude, as in
    duty bound, with - GOD SAVE THE
    PRINCE REGENT.