BOX AND COX

John Maddison Morton, Esq.


                          BOX AND COX
                               
                    A Romance of Real Life
                               
                          in One Act.
                               
                        
Box - Mr Buckstone Cox - Mr Harley Mrs. Bouncer - Mrs M'Namara *******************************

                               
                       Dramatis Personae
                               
                JOHN BOX, a Journeyman Printer
                               
                JAMES COX, a Journeyman Hatter
                               
                         MRS. BOUNCER.
                               

ACT I.

SCENE I - A Room, decently furnished. At C., a bed with
curtains closed, at L. C., a door, at L, 3d E., a door, at L.
S. E., a chest of drawers, at back, R., a window, at R. 3d.
E., a door, at R. S. E. , a fireplace with mantle-piece, table
and chairs, a few common ornaments on the chimney-piece. COX,
dressed with the exception of his coat, is looking at himself
in a small looking-glass, which is in his hand.
                      

Cox.  I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never
     have my hair cut again! (His hair is very short.)  I
     look as if I had just been cropped for the militia!
     And I was particularly emphatic in my instructions to
     the hair-dresser, only to cut the ends off.  He must
     have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind - I
     shan't meet anybody to care about so early.  Eight
     o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment to lose.  Fate
     has placed me with the most punctual, particular and
     peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny.
     (Knock at L. D.) Open locks, whoever knocks!
    

               Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L.

Mrs B.      Good morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept
     comfortably, Mr. Cox?
    
Cox.  I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to
     you, if you could accommodate me with a more
     protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one I have seems to
     me to have about a handful and a half of feathers at
     each end, and nothing whatever in the middle.
    
Mrs B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox.
    
Cox.  Thank you. Then, perhaps, you'll be good enough to
     hold this glass, while I finish my toilet.
    
Mrs B. Certainly. (Holding glass before COX, who ties his
     cravat.) Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut.
    
Cox.  Cut? It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind
     of you to mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of
     the absurdity of my personal appearance already. (Puts
     his coat on.) Now for my hat. (Puts on his hat, which
     comes over his eyes.) That's the effect of having
     one's hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before.
     Luckily I've got two or three more. (Goes in at L.,
     and returns with three hats of different shapes, and
     puts them on, one after the other - all of which are
     far too big for him.) This is pleasant! Never mind.
     This one appears to me to wobble about rather less than
     the others - (Puts on hat.) - and now I'm off! By the
     bye, Mrs Bouncer, I wish to call your attention a fact
     that has been evident to me for some time past - and
     that is, that my coals go remarkably fast -
    
Mrs B. Lor, Mr. Cox!
    
Cox.  It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer,
     but I've lately observed a gradual and steady increase
     of evaporation among my candles, wood, sugar and
     lucifer matches.
    
Mrs B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me!
    
Cox.  I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly
     to understand, that I don't believe it's the cat.
    
Mrs B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about,
     sir?
    
Cox.  Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as
     a dictionary?
    
Mrs B. No, sir.
    
Cox.  Then I'll lend you one - and if you turn to the letter
     G. you'll find "Grumble, verb neuter - to complain
     without a cause." Now that's not my case, Mrs. B., and
     now that we are upon the subject. I wish to know how
     it is that I frequently find my apartment full of
     smoke?
    
Mrs B. Why - I suppose the chimney -
    
Cox.  The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of
     tobacco smoke, Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, you're
     not guilty of cheroots or Cubas?
    
Mrs B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox.
    
Cox.  Nor partial to a pipe?
    
Mrs B. No, Sir.
    
Cox.  Then, how is that -
    
Mrs B. Why - I suppose - yes - that must be it -
    
Cox.  At present I am entirely of your opinion - because I
     haven't the most distant particle of an idea what you
     mean.
    
Mrs B. Why the gentleman who has got the attics, is hardly
     ever without a pipe in his mouth - and there he sits,
     with his feet upon the mantle-piece -
    
Cox.  The  mantle-piece!  That strikes me as  being  a
     considerable stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs.
     B., or the gentleman's legs. I presume you mean the
     fender or the hob.
    
Mrs B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well , there he sits
     for hours, and puffs away into the fire-place.
    
Cox.  Ah, then you mean to say, that this gentleman's smoke,
     instead of emulating the example of all other sorts of
     smoke, and going up the chimney, thinks proper to
     affect a singularity by taking the contrary direction?
    
Mrs B. Why -
    
Cox.  Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking of, is
     the same individual that I invariably meet coming up
     the stairs when I am going down, and going down the
     stairs when I am coming up!
    
Mrs B. Why - yes - I -
    
Cox.  From the appearance of his outward man, I should
  unhesitatingly set him down as a gentleman connected
  with the printing interest.
  
Mrs B. Yes, sir - and a very respectable young gentleman he
  is.
  
Cox.  Well, good morning, Mrs. Bouncer!
  
Mrs B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, sir?
  
Cox.  Yes - nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in
  future, Mrs. B - I'll do it myself. Don't forget the
  bolster!  (Going, stops.) A halfpenny worth of milk,
  Mrs. Bouncer - and be good enough to let it stand - I
  wish the cream to accumulate.
  
           Exit at L.C.
              
Mrs B. He's gone at last! I declare I was all in a tremble
  for fear Mr. Box would come in before Mr. Cox went out.
  Luckily, they've never met yet - and what's more,
  they're not likely to do so; for Mr. Box is had at work
  at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come home
  till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all
  day long, and doesn't come home till night; so that I'm
  getting double rent for my room, and neither of my
  lodgers is any the wiser for it. It was a capital idea
  of mine - that it was! But I haven't an instant to
  lose. First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things out of
  Mr. Box's way.  (She takes the three hats, COX's
  dressing gown and slippers, opens the door at L. and
  puts them in, then shuts the door and locks it.) Now,
  then, to put the key where Mr. Cox always finds it.
  [Puts the key on the ledge of the door, L..] I really
  must beg Mr. Box not to smoke so much.  I was so
  dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox
  spoke about it. Now, then, to make the bed - and don't
  let me forget that what's the head of the bed for Mr.
  Cox becomes the foot of the bed for Mr. Box - people's
  tastes do differ so. (Goes behind the curtains of the
  bed, and seems to be making it - then appears with a
  very thin bolster in her hand.) The idea of Mr. Cox
  presuming to complain of such a bolster as this!  (She
  disappears again, behind curtains.)
  
Box. (Without.)  Pooh - pooh! Why don't you keep your own
  side of the staircase, sir? (Enters at back, dressed
  as a Printer.  Puts his head out at door again,
  shouting.) It was as much your fault as mine , sir! I
  say, sir - it was as much your fault as mine, sir!
  
Mrs B.  (Emerging from behind the curtains of the bed.) Lor,
  Mr. Box! what is the matter?
  
Box.  Mind your own business, Bouncer!
  
Mrs B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in to be
  sure! I declare you're quite pale in the face!
  
Box.  What colour would you have a man to be, who has been
  setting up long leaders for a daily paper all night?
  
Mrs B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself.
  
Box. (Looking significantly at MRS. BOUNCER..) So it seems!
  Far be it from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements,
  but I think it right to acquaint you with my immediate
  intention of divesting myself of my garments, and going
  to bed.
  
Mrs B. Oh, Mr. Box. (Going.)
  
Box.  Stop!  Can you inform me who the individual is that I
  invariably encounter going down stairs when I'm coming
  up, and coming up stairs when I'm going down?
  
Mrs B.  (Confused.) Oh - yes - the gentleman in the attic,
  sir.
  
Box.  Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him,
  except his hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats -
  white hats and black hats - hats with broad brims, and
  hats with narrow brims, - hats with naps, and hats
  without naps - in short, I have come to the conclusion
  that  he  must be individually and professionally
  associated with the hatting interest.
  
Mrs B. Yes, sir.  And by the bye, Mr. Box, he begged me to
  request you, as a particular favour, that you would not
  smoke quite so much.
  
Box.  Does he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my
  compliments, that if he objects to the effluvia of
  tobacco, he had better domesticate himself in some
  adjoining parish.
  
Mrs B. Oh, Mr. Box! You surely wouldn't deprive me of a
  lodger?                (Pathetically.
  
Box.  It would come to precisely the same thing, Bouncer,
  because if I detect the slightest attempt to put my
  pipe out, I at once give you warning that I shall give
  you warning at once.
  
Mrs B. Well, Mr. Box - do you want anything more of me?
  
Box.  On the contrary - I've had quite enough of you!
  
Mrs B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder?
  
     Goes out at L.C.., slamming door after her.
              
Box.  It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to
  get rid of that venerable female! She knows I'm up all
  night, and yet she seems to set her face against my
  indulging in a horizontal position by day. Now, let me
  see - shall I take my nap before I swallow my
  breakfast, or shall I take my breakfast before I
  swallow my nap - I mean, shall I swallow my nap before
  - no - never mind!  I've got a rasher of bacon
  somewhere - (Feeling in his pockets.) - I've the most
  distinct and vivid recollection of having purchased a
  rasher of bacon - Oh, here it is  - (Produces it,
  wrapped in paper, and places it on table.) - and a
  penny roll.  The next thing is to light the fire.
  Where are my lucifers? (Looking on mantle-piece R.,
  and taking box, opens it.) Now, 'pon my life, this is
  too bad of Bouncer - this is, by several degrees, too
  bad!  I had a whole box full, three days ago, and now
  there's only one!  I'm perfectly aware that  she
  purloins my coals and my candles and my sugar - but I
  did think - oh, yes, I did think that my lucifers would
  be sacred!  (Takes candlestick off the mantle-piece,
  R., in which there is a very small end of candle -
  looks  at it.)  Now I should like to  ask  any
  unprejudiced person or persons their opinion touching
  this candle.  In the first place, a candle is an
  article that I don't require because I'm only at home
  in the day time - and I bought this candle on the first
  of May - Chimney-sweepers' Day - calculating that it
  would last me three months, and here's one week not
  half over, and the candle three parts gone!  (Lights
  the fire - takes down the gridiron, which is hanging
  over the fireplace, R.) Mrs. Bouncer has been using my
  gridiron!  The last article of consumption that I
  cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is
  powerfully impregnated with the odour of red herrings!
  (Places gridiron on fire, and then, with fork, lays
  rasher of bacon on the gridiron.) How sleepy I am, to
  be sure! I'd indulge myself with a nap, if there was
  anybody here to superintend the turning of my bacon.
  (Yawning again.) Perhaps it will turn itself. I must
  lie down - so, here goes. [Lies on the bed, closing
  the curtains round him - after a short pause -
  
         Enter COX, hurriedly, L.C..
              
Cox.  Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being
  eleven minutes and a half behind time, I was sneaking
  into the shop, in a state of considerable excitement,
  when my venerable employer, with a smile of extreme
  benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me - "Cox,
  I shan't want you to-day - you can have a holiday." -
  Thoughts of "Gravesend and back - fare, One Shilling,"
  instantly  suggested themselves, intermingled  with
  visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!" Then came the
  Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats - in short,
  I'm  quite bewildered!  However, I must have  my
  breakfast first - that'll give me time to reflect.
  I've bought a mutton chop, so I shan't want any dinner.
  (Puts chop on table.) Good gracious! I forgot the
  bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare!  Come
  that's lucky! Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa -
  (seeing the lucifer-box on table.) - who presumes to
  touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I left one
  in it - I'll take my oath I did. Hey dey! why, the
  fire is lighted! Where's the gridiron? On the fire, I
  declare! And what's that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is!
  Well, now, 'pon my life, there's a quiet coolness about
  Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing.  She
  takes my last lucifer - my coals, and my gridiron to
  cook her breakfast by! No, no - I can't stand this!
  Come out of that! (Pokes fork into bacon and puts it
  on a plate on the table, then places his chop on the
  gridiron, which he puts on the fire.) Now, then, for
  my breakfast things. (Taking key hung up, L. opens door
  L. and goes out, slamming the door after him, with a
  loud noise.)
  
Box.  (Suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains.)
  Come in! if it's you Mrs. Bouncer - you needn't be
  afraid. I wonder how long I've been asleep? (Suddenly
  recollecting.) Goodness gracious - my bacon!  (Leaps
  off bed and runs to fireplace.) Holloa! what's this?
  A chop!  Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's I'll be bound -
  she thought to cook her breakfast while I was asleep -
  with my coals, too - and my gridiron! Ha, ha!  But
  where's my bacon? (Seeing it on table.) Here it is.
  Well, 'pon my life, Bouncer's going it! And shall I
  curb my indignation? Shall I falter in my vengeance?
  No! (Digs the fork into the chop, opens window, throws
  chop out - shuts window again.) So much for Bouncer's
  breakfast, and now for my own! (With the fork he puts
  the bacon on the gridiron again.) I may as well lay my
  breakfast things. - (Goes to mantle piece at R., takes
  key out of one of the ornaments, opens door at R. and
  exit, slamming door after him.)
  
Cox.  (Putting his head in quickly at L.) Come in - come in!
  (Opens door L. C. Enters with a small tray on which
  are tea things, &c., which he places on drawers, L. and
  suddenly recollects.) Oh, goodness! my chop! (Running
  to fireplace.) Holloa - what's? The bacon again! Oh
  - pooh! Zounds - confound it - dash it - damn it - I
  can't stand this!  (Pokes fork into bacon, opens
  window, and flings it out, shuts window again, returns
  to drawers for tea things, and encounters BOX coming
  from his cupboard with his tea things - they walk down
  C. of stage together.) Who are you, sir?
  
Box.  If you come to that - who are you?
  
Cox.  What do you want here, sir?
  
Box.  If you come to that - what do you want?
  
Cox. (Aside.) It's the printer![Puts tea things on the draw
  ers.
  
Box. (Aside.) It's the hatter!  [Puts tea things on table.
  
Cox.  Go to your attic, sir -
  
Box.  My attic, sir? Your attic, sir!
  
Cox.  Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury, if you
  don't instantly leave my apartment.
  
Box.  Your apartment? You mean my apartment, you
  contemptible hatter, you.
  
Cox.  Your apartment?  Ha! ha! - come, I like that!  Look
  here, sir - (Produces a paper out of his pocket.) Mrs.
  Bouncer's receipt for the last week's rent, sir -
  
Box.  (Produces a paper, and holds it close to COX's face.)
  Ditto, sir!
  
Cox.  (Suddenly shouting.) Thieves!
  
Box.  Murder!
  
Both. Mrs. Bouncer! [Each runs to the door, L. C., calling.
  
       MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door L. C.
              
Mrs B. What is the matter? (COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by
  the arm, and drag her forward.)
  
Box.  Instantly remove that hatter!
  
Cox.  Immediately turn out that printer!
  
Mrs B. Well - but, gentlemen -
  
Cox.  Explain!        [Pulling her round to him.
  
Box.  Explain! (Pulling her round to him.) Whose room is
  this?
  
Cox.  Yes, woman - whose room is this?
  
Box.  Doesn't it belong to me?
  
Mrs B. No!
  
Cox.  There! You hear, sir - it belongs to me!
  
Mrs B. No - it belongs to both of you!     [Sobbing.
  
Both. Both of us?
  
Mrs B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry - but you see, this
  gentleman - (Pointing to BOX.) - only being at home in
  the day time, and that gentleman - (Pointing to COX.) -
  at night, I thought I might venture, until my little
  back second floor room was ready -
  
Both. (Eagerly.)  When will your little back second floor
  room be ready?
  
Mrs B. Why, to-morrow -
  
Cox.  I'll take it!
  
Box.  So will I!
  
Mrs B. Excuse me - but if you both take it, you may just as
  well stop where you are.
  
Both. True.
  
Cox.  I spoke first, sir-
  
Box.  With all my heart, sir. The little back second floor
  room is yours, sir - now, go -
  
Cox.  Go? Pooh - pooh!
  
Mrs B. Now, don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to
  be a partition here -
  
Both. Then, put it up!
  
Mrs B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this
  very day. Now do keep your tempers.
  
            Exit, L.
              
Cox.  What a disgusting position![Walking rapidly round stag
  e.
  
Box.  (Sitting down on chair, at one side of table, and
  following COX's movements.) Will you allow me to
  observe, if you have not had any exercise to-day, you'd
  better go out and take it.
  
Cox.  I shall do nothing of the sort, sir.[Seating himself at
  the table opposite BOX.
  
Box.  Very well, sir!
  
Cox.  Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent you from
  going out.
  
Box.  Don't flatter yourself, sir. (COX is about to break a
  piece of the roll off.) Holloa! that's my roll, sir -
  (Snatches it away - puts a pipe in his mouth, lights it
  with a piece of tinder - and puffs smoke across to
  COX.)
  
Cox.  Holloa! What are you about, sir?
  
Box.  What am I about? I'm about to smoke.
  
Cox.  Wheugh!   [Goes and opens window at BOX's back.
  
Box.  Hollo! (Turns round.) Put down that window, sir!
  
Cox.  Then put your pipe out, sir!
  
Box.  There!            [Puts pipe on table.
  
Cox.  There!   [Slams down window, and re-seats himself.
  
Box.  I shall retire to my pillow. (Goes up, takes off his
  jacket, then goes towards the bed, and sits down upon
  it, L. C.)
  
Cox.  (Jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down R. of BOX.)  I
  beg your pardon, sir - I cannot allow anyone to rumple
  my bed. (Both rising.)
  
Box.  Your bed? Hark ye, sir - can you fight?
  
Cox.  No, sir.
  
Box.  No? Then come on -
  
Cox.  Sit down, sir - or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!"
  
Box.  (Seats himself. COX does the same.) I say, sir -
  
Cox.  Well, sir?
  
Box.  Although we are doomed to share the same room for a few
  hours longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting
  each other's throats, sir.
  
Cox.  Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly
  object to.
  
Box.  And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir.
  
Cox.  Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir.
  
Box.  Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir.
  
Cox.  Entirely, sir.   [Gradually approaching chairs.
  
Box.  Very well, sir!
  
Cox.  Very well, sir! (Pause.)
  
Box.  Take a bit of roll, sir?
  
Cox.  Thank ye, sir. (Breaking a bit off. Pause.)
  
Box.  Do you sing, sir?
  
Cox.  I sometimes join in a chorus.
  
Box.  Then give us a chorus. (Pause.) Have you seen the
  Bosjemans, sir?
  
Cox.  No, sir - my wife wouldn't let me.
  
Box.  Your wife!
  
Cox.  That is - my intended wife.
  
Box.  Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you.
  (Shaking hands.)
  
Cox.  (With a deep sigh.) Thank ye. (Seeing BOX about to
  get up.) You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't
  come here.
  
Box.  Oh,  I  understand.  You've got  a  snug  little
  establishment of your own here - on the sly - cunning
  dog - (Nudging COX.)
  
Cox.  (Drawing himself up.) No such thing, sir - I repeat,
  sir - no such thing, sir, but my wife - I mean, my
  intended wife - happens to be the proprietor of a
  considerable number of bathing machines -
  
Box.  (Suddenly.) Ha! Where? (Grasping COX's arm.)
  
Cox.  At a favourite watering-place. How curious you are!
  
Box.  Not at all. Well?
  
Cox.  Consequently, in the bathing season - which luckily is
  rather a long one - we see but little of each other;
  but as that is now over, I am daily indulging in the
  expectation of being blessed with the sight of my
  beloved. (Very seriously.) Are you married?
  
Box.  Me? Why - not exactly!
  
Cox.  Ah - a happy bachelor!
  
Box.  Why - not precisely!
  
Cox.  Oh! a widower?
  
Box.  No - not absolutely!
  
Cox.  You'll excuse me, sir - but, at present I don't exactly
  understand how you can help being one of the three.
  
Box.  Not help it?
  
Cox.  No, sir - not you, nor any other man alive!
  
Box.  Ah that may be - but I'm not alive!
  
Cox. (Pushing back his chair.) You'll excuse me, sir - but I
  don't like joking upon such subjects.
  
Box.  But I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for
  the last three years!
  
Cox. (Shouting.) Will you be quiet, sir?
  
Box.  If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very
  large, numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate
  friends.
  
Cox.  My dear sir - my very dear sir - if there does exist
  any ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of
  committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet stop
  in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know it.
  
Box.  Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being
  frantically attached to your intended?
  
Cox.  Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware
  of one obstacle to doting upon her, and that is, that I
  can't abide her!
  
Box.  Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did.
  
Cox. (Eagerly.) I will! What was it?
  
Box.  Drown yourself!
  
Cox. (Shouting.) Will you be quiet, sir?
  
Box.  Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to
  captivate a affections of the still blooming, though
  somewhat middle-aged widow, at Ramsgate.
  
Cox. (Aside.) Singular enough! Just my case three months
  ago at Margate.
  
Box.  Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the
  determination of enlisting in the Blues, or Life
  Guards.
  
Cox. (Aside.) So did I. How very odd!
  
Box.  But they wouldn't have me - they actually had the
  effrontery to say that I was too short -
  
Cox. (Aside.) And I wasn't tall enough!
  
Box.  So I was obliged to content myself with a marching
  regiment - I enlisted!
  
Cox. (Aside.) So did I. Singular coincidence!
  
Box.  I'd no sooner done so, than I was sorry for it.
  
Cox. (Aside.) So was I.
  
Box.  My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge,
  on condition that I'd lead her to the alter.
  
Cox. (Aside.) Just my case!
  
Box.  I hesitated - at last I consented.
  
Cox. (Aside.) I consented at once!
  
Box.  Well, sir - the day fixed for the happy ceremony at
  length drew near - in fact, too near to be pleasant -
  so I suddenly discovered that I wasn't worthy to
  possess her, and I told her so - when, instead of being
  flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a
  tiger of the female gender - I rejoined - when suddenly
  something whizzed past me, within an inch of my ear,
  and shivered into a thousand fragments against the
  mantle-piece - it was the slop-basin.  I retaliated
  with a tea cup - we parted, and the next morning I was
  served with a notice of action for breach of promise.
  
Cox.  Well, sir?
  
Box.  Well, sir - ruin stared me in the face - the action
  proceeded against me with gigantic strides - I took a
  desperate resolution - I left my home early one
  morning, with one suit of clothes on my back, and
  another tied up in a bundle, under my arm - I arrived
  on the cliffs - opened my bundle - deposited the suit
  of clothes on the very verge of the precipice - took
  one look into the yawning gulph beneath me, and walked
  off in the opposite direction.
  
Cox.  Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception
  of your meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared
  - the suit of clothes was found -
  
Box.  Exactly - and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the
  waistcoat, or the pantaloons - I forget which - there
  was also found a piece of paper, with these affecting
  farewell words: "This is thy work, oh, Penelope Ann!"
  
Cox.  Penelope Ann! (Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and
  leads him slowly to front of stage.) Penelope Ann?
  
Box.  Penelope Ann!
  
Cox.  Originally widow of William Wiggins?
  
Box.  Widow of William Wiggins!
  
Cox.  Proprietor of bathing machines?
  
Box.  Proprietor of bathing machines!
  
Cox.  At Margate?
  
Box.  And Ramsgate!
  
Cox.  It must be she! And you, sir - you are Box - the
  lamented, long lost Box!
  
Box.  I am!
  
Cox.  And I was about to marry the interesting creature you
  so cruelly deceived.
  
Box.  Ha! then you are Cox?
  
Cox.  I am!
  
Box.  I heard of it. I congratulate you - I give you joy!
  And now, I think I'll go and take a stroll.  [Going.
  
Cox.  No, you don't! (Stopping him.) I'll not lose sight of
  you till I've restored you to the arms of your
  intended.
  
Box.  My intended? You mean your intended.
  
Cox.  No, sir - yours!
  
Box.  How can she be my intended, now that I'm drowned?
  
Cox.  You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you
  to Penelope Ann.
  
Box.  I've no wish to be introduced to your intended.
  
Cox.  My intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to
  her first!
  
Box.  What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you
  popped the question afterwards.
  
Cox.  Very well, sir!
  
Box.  Very well, sir!
  
Cox.  You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit
  me, then, to follow the generous impulse of my nature -
  I give her up to you.
  
Box.  Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world!
  (Going.) Good morning, sir!
  
Cox. (Seizing him.) Stop!
  
Box.  Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and
  assume the lion!
  
Cox.  Pooh! (Snapping his fingers close to BOX's face.)
  
Box.  An insult! to my very face - under my very nose!
  (Rubbing it.) You know the consequences, sir - instant
  satisfaction, sir!
  
Cox.  With all my heart, sir! (They go to the fire-place,
  R., and begin ringing bells violently, and pull down
  bell-pulls.)
  
Both. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer!
  
         MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C.
              
Mrs B. What is it, gentlemen?
  
Box.  Pistols for two!
  
Mrs B. Yes, sir.                 [Going.
  
Cox.  Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent
  woman, that you keep loaded fire-arms in the house?
  
Mrs B. Oh, no - they're not loaded
  
Cox.  Then produce the murderous weapons instantly!
  
        Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C.
              
Box.  I say, sir!
  
Cox.  Well, sir?
  
Box.  What's your opinion of duelling, sir?
  
Cox.  I think it's a barbarous practice, sir.
  
Box.  So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it
  when the pistols are not loaded.
  
Cox.  No: I dare say that does make a difference.
  
Box.  And yet, sir - on the other hand - doesn't it strike
  you as rather a waste of time, for two people to keep
  firing pistols at another, with nothing in 'em?
  
Cox.  No, sir - no more than any other harmless recreation.
  
Box.  Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann?
  
Cox.  Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her.
  You'll be happy with her.
  
Box.  Happy?  Me!  With the consciousness that I  have
  deprived you of such a treasure? No, no, Cox!
  
Cox.  Don't think of me, Box - I shall be sufficiently
  rewarded by the knowledge of my Box's happiness.
  
Box.  Don't be absurd, sir!
  
Cox.  Then don't you be ridiculous, sir!
  
Box.  I won't have her!
  
Cox.  I won't have her!
  
Box.  I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady - eh, Mr.
  Cox?
  
Cox.  That's fair enough Mr. Box.
  
Box.  Or, what say you to dice?
  
Cox.  With all my heart! Dice, by all means. [Eagerly.
  
Box. (Aside.)  That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a
  pair here yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have
  a throw for a trifle, and as he always throws sixes, I
  suspect they are good ones.[Goes to the cupboard at R.,
  and brings out the dice-box.
  
Cox. (Aside.) I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one
  pound, seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, to
  a very gentlemanly looking man, who had a most peculiar
  knack of throwing sixes; I suspected they were loaded,
  so I gave him another half-crown, and he gave me the
  dice.
  
Takes dice out of his pocket - uses lucifer box as substitute
      for dice-box, which is on table.
              
Box.  Now then, sir!
  
Cox.  I'm ready, sir!  (They seat themselves at opposite
  sides of the table.) Will you lead off, sir?
  
Box.  As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins
  Penelope Ann?
  
Cox.  Of course, sir.
  
Box.  Very well, sir!
  
Cox.  Very well, sir!
  
Box. (Rattling dice and throwing.) Sixes!
  
Cox.  That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. (Rattling dice -
  throws.) Sixes!
  
Box.  That's a pretty good one of yours, sir. (Throws.)
  Sixes!
  
Cox. (Throws.) Sixes!
  
Box.  Sixes!
  
Cox.  Sixes!
  
Box.  Sixes!
  
Cox.  Sixes!
  
Box.  Those are not bad dice of yours, sir.
  
Cox.  Yours seem pretty good ones, sir.
  
Box.  Suppose we change?
  
Cox.  Very well, sir.          [They change dice.
  
Box. (Throwing.) Sixes!
  
Cox.  Sixes!
  
Box.  Sixes!
  
Cox.  Sixes!
  
Box. (Flings down the dice.) Pooh! It's perfectly absurd,
  your going on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir!
  
Cox.  I shall go on till my luck changes, sir!
  
Box.  Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss
  for Penelope Ann?
  
Cox.  The very thing I was going to propose!
  
 They each turn aside and take out a handful of money.
              
Box. (Aside, examining money.) Where's my tossing shilling?
  Here it is!             [Selecting coin.
  
Cox. (Aside, examining money.) Where's my lucky sixpence?
  I've got it!
  
Box.  Now then, sir - heads win?
  
Cox.  Or tails lose - whichever you prefer.
  
Box.  It's the same to me, sir.
  
Cox.  Very well, sir. Heads, I win, - tails, you lose.
  
Box.  Yes - (Suddenly.) no. Heads win, sir.
  
Cox.  Very well - go on![They are standing opposite each oth
  er.
  
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
  
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
  
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
  
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
  
Box.  Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir?
  
Cox.  Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an
  occasional tail, sir?
  
Box. (Tossing.) Heads!
  
Cox. (Tossing.) Heads!
  
Box.  Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me - (Taking COX's
  sixpence.) Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir!
  
Cox. (Seizing BOX's shilling.) And your shilling has got two
  heads, sir!
  
Box.  Cheat!
  
Cox.  Swindler! [They are about to rush upon each other,
  then retreat to some distance, and commence sparring,
  and striking fiercely at one another.
  
         Enter MRS. BOUNCER L. H. C.
              
Box. & Cox. Is the little back second floor room ready?
  
Mrs B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I
  have bought you a letter - It came by the General Post
  yesterday. I'm sure I don't know how I forgot it, for
  I put it carefully in my pocket.
  
Cox.  And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since?
  
Mrs B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir. (Going.) By
  the bye, I paid twopence for it.
  
Cox.  Did you?  Then I do forgive you. (Exit MRS. BOUNCER.
  Looking  at  letter.)  "Margate."  The  post-mark
  decidedly says "Margate."
  
Box.  Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann.
  
Cox.  Then read it, sir. (Handing letter to BOX.)
  
Box.  Me, sir?
  
Cox.  Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a
  letter from your intended?
  
Box.  My intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you - C.O.X.
  
Cox.  Do you think that's a C.? It looks like a B.!
  
Box.  Nonsense! Fracture the seal!
  
Cox. (Opens letter - starts.) Goodness gracious!
  
Box. (Snatches letter - starts.) Gracious, goodness!
  
Cox. (Taking letter again.) "Margate - May the 4th. Sir, -
  I hasten to convey to you the intelligence of a
  melancholy accident, which has bereft you of your
  intended wife. He means your intended!
  
Box.  No, yours! However, it's perfectly immaterial - but
  she unquestionably was yours.
  
Cox.  How can that be? You proposed to her first!
  
Box.  Yes, but then you - now don't let us begin again - Go
  on.
  
Cox. (Resuming letter.) "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a
  short excursion in a sailing boat - a sudden and
  violent squall soon after took place, which it is
  supposed, upset her, as she was found, two days
  afterwards, keel upwards."
  
Box.  Poor woman!
  
Cox.  The boat, sir! (Reading.) "As her man of business, I
  immediately proceeded to examine her papers, amongst
  which I soon discovered her will; the following extract
  from which will, I have no doubt, be satisfactory to
  you.  'I hereby bequeath my entire property to my
  intended husband.'" Excellent, but unhappy creature!
  (Affected.)
  
Box.  Generous, ill-fated being! (Affected.)
  
Cox.  And to think that I tossed up for such a woman!
  
Box.  When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the
  hazard of a die!
  
Cox.  I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for
  your sympathy.
  
Box.  And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she
  had been your own intended!
  
Cox.  If she'd been my own intended? She was my own
  intended!
  
Box.  Your intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very
  properly observe just now, sir, that I proposed to her
  first?
  
Cox.  To which you very sensibly replied that you'd come to
  an untimely end.
  
Box.  I deny it!
  
Cox.  I say you have!
  
Box.  The fortune's mine!
  
Cox.  Mine!
  
Box.  I'll have it!
  
Cox.  So will I!
  
Box.  I'll go to law!
  
Cox.  So will I!
  
Box.  Stop - a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law
  about the property, suppose we divide it?
  
Cox.  Equally?
  
Box.  Equally. I'll take two thirds.
  
Cox.  That's fair enough - and I'll take three fourths.
  
Box.  That won't do. Half and half!
  
Cox.  Agreed! There's my hand upon it -
  
Box.  And mine. (About to shake hands - a Postman's knock
  heard at street door.)
  
Cox.  Holloa! Postman again!
  
Box.  Postman yesterday - postman today.
  
           Enter MRS. BOUNCER.
              
Mrs B. Another letter, Mr. Cox - twopence more!
  
Cox.  I forgive you again! (Taking letter.) Another trifle
  from Margate. (Opens the letter - starts.)  Goodness
  gracious!
  
Box. (Snatching letter - starts.) Gracious goodness!
  
Cox. (Snatching letter again - reads.) "Happy to inform you
  - false alarm"-
  
Box. (Overlooking.)  "Sudden squall - boat upset - Mrs.
  Wiggins your intended"-
  
Cox.  "Picked up by a steamboat"-
  
Box.  "Carried into Boulogne"-
  
Cox.  "Returned here this morning"-
  
Box.  "Will start by early train, to-morrow"-
  
Cox.  "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact."
  
     Both simultaneously pull out their watches.
              
Box.  Cox, I congratulate you -
  
Cox.  Box, I give you joy!
  
Box.  I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial
  Office will prevent my witnessing the truly happy
  meeting between you and your intended. Good morning![
  Going.
  
Cox. (Stopping him.) It's obviously for me to retire - Not
  for worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting
  between you and your intended. Good morning!
  
Box.  You'll excuse me, sir - but our last arrangement was,
  that she was your intended.
  
Cox.  No, yours!
  
Box.  Yours!
  
Together.                       Yours!
  [Ten o'clock strikes - noise of an omnibus.
  
Box.  Ha!  What's that?  A cab's drawn up at the door!
  (Running to the window.) No - it's a twopenny omnibus!
  
Cox. (Leaning over BOX's shoulder.) A lady's got out -
  
Box.  There's no mistaking that majestic person - it's
  Penelope Ann!
  
Cox.  Your intended!
  
Box.  Yours!
  
Cox.  Yours! (Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen.)
  
Box.  Hark - she's coming up stairs!
  
Cox.  Shut the door!
  
 They slam the door, and both lean up against it with their
              backs.
              
Mrs B. (Without, and knocking.) Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox!
  
Cox. (Shouting.) I've just stepped out!
  
Box.  So have I!
  
Mrs B. Mr. Cox.  (Pushing at the door - COX and BOX redouble
  their efforts to keep the door shut.) Open the door.
  It's only me - Mrs. Bouncer!
  
Cox.  Only you? Then where's the lady?
  
Mrs B. Gone!
  
Cox.  Upon your honour?
  
Box.  As a gentleman?
  
Mrs B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox.
  
Cox.  Give it to me!
  
Mrs B. Then open the door!
  
Cox.  Put it under!  (Letter is put under the door;  COX
  picks up the letter and opens it.) Goodness gracious!
  
Box. (Snatching letter.) Gracious goodness! (COX snatches
  the letter, and runs forward, followed by BOX.)
  
Cox. (Reading.) "Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candour"-
  
Box. (Looking over and reading.) "But being convinced that
  our feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate"-
  
Cox.  "I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union"-
  
Box.  "With Mr. Knox."
  
Cox.  Huzza!
  
Box.  Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha!
  
 Tosses letter in the air, and begins dancing. Cox does the
             same.
              
Mrs B.  (Putting her head in at door.) The little second
  floor back room is ready!
  
Cox.  I don't want it!
  
Box.  No more do I!
  
Cox.  What shall part us?
  
Box.  What shall tear us asunder?
  
Cox.  Box!
  
Box.  Cox! (About to embrace - BOX stops, seizes COX's hand,
  and looks eagerly in his face.) You'll excuse the
  apparent insanity of the remark, but the more I gaze on
  your features, the more I'm convinced that you're my
  long lost brother.
  
Cox.  The very observation I was going to make to you!
  
Box.  Ah - tell me - in mercy tell me - have you such a thing
  as a strawberry mark on your left arm?
  
Cox.  No!
  
Box.  Then it is he! [They rush into each other's arms.
  
Cox.  Of course we stop where we are!
  
Box.  Of course!
  
Cox.  For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to this
  house.
  
Box.  So am I - I begin to feel quite at home in it.
  
Cox.  Everything so clean and comfortable -
  
Box.  And I'm sure the mistress of it, from what I have seen
  of her, is very anxious to please.
  
Cox.  So she is - and I vote, Box, that we stick by her.
  
Box.  Agreed!  There's my hand upon it - join but your's -
  agree the house is big enough to hold us both.  Then
  Box -
  
Cox.  And Cox -
  
Both. Are satisfied!          [The Curtain falls.